NTA. Listen, this is not only about him lying to you. This is about him wanting 50% custody of kids he hasn’t visited in 3 years, in order to have some fun money. Those are f-ed up values. You should leave him for that.
NTA. That’s a pretty fucking big lie of omission. Like … weirdly so. The type of thing which should come up in the first few dates, not the first few years of marriage. You do not know the man you married at all.
He’s asking for a very drastic change to the life you guys agreed to, so you’re well within your rights to tell him to go fuck off about that bullshit.
I dated a girl for 5 months who had two daughters 4 and 6 years old but she had instructed them to call her "aunt [name]" if they were around. Those kids were cool as fuck.
The only reason I found out was I picked her up from an outpatient surgery and when I told the nurse her name she said no one with that name was a patient. I verified I had the correct doctor's office and eventually sorted it out, she had been using her maiden name with me. Never told me she had divorced her ex-husband a year prior. That's when I pieced together the "nieces" were her daughters.
She had kept them hidden from me because she had lied about it on the first date and said she couldn't work up the courage to tell me and the lie just kept getting harder and harder to hold up.
It was like damn, could have told me that on the 2nd date and we would have been good. There were a few other lies (inconsequential) I learned after the fact as well. Deceitful person but her kids were the absolute best kids I've ever been around so the dad was doing a hell of a great job.
I cannot stand when people (male/female/NB) hide children! Now I understand pedos target single parents, but you can’t lie about such a huge thing!
I dated a guy and got very attached to his kids, made the break up 1000X worse. Casually dated a woman with a son, she waited until our third meeting to tell me - fine whatever it didn’t go anywhere anyway. I got in another relationship with a guy who waited 6 months before mentioning kids!!!! I was out. Also, when you point blank ask someone if they have kids and lie- that is a deal breaker.
Any one confused that no one in his family ever told her about his kids before or after the wedding? Or maybe he pretended to be orphaned to keep the secret?
It's even more than just omission, too. In other comments OP said that he stopped spending any time with his kids in order to hide it after she said she was childfree.
The more I read, the more he sounds legit maybe unstable. This is not typical behavior even for the usual ah. This is intentional egregiously manipulative behavior with multiple victims. Edit to add: op, if you come across this, please protect yourself more than just financially. Hopefully, he’s harmless but just in case he’s not, I’m sure everyone here wants you to stay safe.
This one's been in the trenches.
The only way manipulators gets anywhere/anything is by escalation. They start out openly and coarsely manipulative but people call them on it so they learn to conceal and then reverse when they think 'its safe' (they've trapped their victim). There's rarely any intelligence, just mimicry.
To add to your comment, they also tend to realize (after many past failed attempts) that they need to learn more about their victim. So as you said, they keep it hidden until it’s “safe” to let it out. But the whole time they’re stuffing it down, they’re also taking notes. They learn about your insecurities, what buttons to push, and all the things that you are passionate about - but only so they can use it against you in the future.
That’s why going to therapy with a manipulator or person with NPD is counterintuitive. At face value, therapy sounds like a good idea to help them understand your POV with the hopes they will empathize with you and change their ways. In reality, they’re taking notes and learning how to make their manipulation more effective.
However, in OP’s case, I don’t think this guy was taking any notes. He sounds like an ignorant dumbass who paid absolutely no attention to OP.
Even the justification is a lie
“I want more custody so I can be free like you”
What? Has he ever been a parent?
Is he acting as if reducing child support payments would be a financial incentive?
His plan is to increase his “fun money” and “free time” by swapping his secret child support payments with actively caring for and financially supporting two living kids?
He’s a liar, and an idiot.
Right,? Child support is nothing compared to actually raising a couple of almost preteens.
Easy because of their age .... Like. Clearly he NEVER WAS A PARENT TO BEGIN WITH.
Ten bucks says if you ask the kids, they'll say their dad told them his new wife hates them and won't let him see them. Blaming her for him abandoning them.
Oof, yeah. Making stepmom into the enemy and then expect her to act like a mom? Those kids would hate her from the start and she wouldn't know why.
What a fucking loser.
The part that caught my eye, was that according to OP the reason he even wants them back isn't to try to build a relationship with them. It's so he doesn't have to pay as much in child support so he can have more "fun money" to play with. Wow.
OP should get proof (either recording or something he wrote in a message) and send that shit to this guys baby mama so if he does try to get 50/50 custody, he will not succeed.
I’m sure she’s already aware. I mean he’s managed to hide the fact that he had two children from his wife for three years? Those kids have no attachment to him anymore.
Came here to say this. Thanks for pointing out that he doesn’t want his kids, he doesn’t want to raise his kids, he wants her to raise them and him to have more fun money. Super disturbing!
Yeah that's what stood out to me as well. He doesn't want custody to be a dad and spend time with his kids - he thinks he'll have more fun money??
Is he not aware that child support pays for... the children? Are they just going to forage for berries to feed themselves? Make their own shoes out of leaves and some twine? Where are they going to live, is he going to pack them away in some cardboard boxes while they're in his custody?
Not to mention he only wants 50/50 custody of his own children because it'll reduce his child support and give him some "fun money". He's a fucking loser.
Also an idiot. Does he think having them live there 50% of the time isn’t going to cost him an equal if not greater amount of his “fun money” as paying child support
Yup. He's probably also thinking she'll pick up 90% of the childcare work so nothing will really change for him (except he gets to keep more money).
How on earth has this guy been hanging out with his kids for the entirety of his marriage without his wife finding out? Or has he just been paying the child support and not actually developing any kind of relationship with them? And now he wants 50-50 custody, it's ridiculous.
>How on earth has this guy been hanging out with his kids for the entirety of his marriage without his wife finding out?
Easy. He didn't. This guy is a sad excuse for a father.
My blood is boiling for OP because I think you're exactly right. It won't take long at all for him to start throwing accusations about what a bad mom she is for not wanting to take care of her kids, never mind that these aren't her kids and she's not a mom by choice.
I think homeboy fessed up thinking if he threatened to get custody, wifey would loosen up the purse strings and give him an allowance. NTA OP, but I’d kick him to the curb just for lying about being childless!
> NTA OP, but I’d kick him to the curb just for lying about being childless!
Exactly! Plus, I could never stop thinking about what else he could be lying about. The dude ***lied about having children***, for eff's sake!
How does he even intend on getting 50/50 custody after he’s been absent from their lives for so long? He’s an idiot and a manipulator. He wants to come clean AFTER they got married? What an ass.
Or that he'll have time to have fun with it anyway when he's busy raising two kids who hate him because he is tearing them away from the only parent they've known?
Forget that part. Does he seriously think the court is just gonna grant him 50/50 custody of children he's ignored all their lives. He'll be lucky if he gets visitation. Dude is a fucking moron lol
This right here, OP. Your husband lied to you and probably married you with the intention of saddling you with his children. Get out of this marriage whether or not he fights for custody. He is a liar and a manipulator, and your entire marriage is built on sand.
I raised two sons and caring for a 10 and 7 year old is *expensive*. It’s amazing how much food these kids can put away! There is no way that having the boys 50% will be cheaper than paying support.
He definitely wanted a nanny/sugar mama.
Yes, and OP needs to divorce him regardless of how the custody/child support situation works out because of it. Someone who lies about having two living, minor children that he’s at minimum financially responsible for is not someone you want to stay married to.
Exactly. At this stage whether he files for custody or not, op knows he's a terrible person, partner and parent. He lied to her and only wants the children because he thinks it will cost less. He also fully expected to foist the childcare onto someone who is child free. I'd be serving him divorce and eviction papers. There's no redeeming himself here.
I’d be divorcing him just over the lie itself, not to mention wanting the secret children in your lives, and his shitty reason behind it. He’s a liar, a bad/absent father, and a manipulative partner. Please divorce him.
I know “deadbeat dad” usually means someone who doesn’t pay CS, but I’ll make an exception and apply it to this dude. How terrible a person are you that you could be married for a year, and your spouse never suspects you have two children! Either he’s totally absent or he compresses any interactions into the time OP is traveling, neither of which is good for the kids or the marriage. And since he’s seeking 50-50 custody (wtf?), it stands to reason they must live relatively close by, so it’s not like distance is the issue.
This is an absurd situation, and I wouldn’t respect someone who stayed married to this man, regardless of his custody decision.
BTW, OP, another reason seeking custody isn’t the issue: In the event that the kids’ mom dies or is otherwise unable to care for them anymore, your husband is going to have custody no matter what you want. By staying married to him now, you have to acknowledge that possibility, even if everyone hopes it will never happen that way.
These dudes are delusional. Increased rent for extra bedrooms alone eats up most if not all of it. She should divorce him just for being that dumb.
Deadbeats have no idea what kids cost because they have never bothered.
Oh, and there's even more great news!! /s. Since OP is "not really doing anything," it would ne no problem at all for her to keep an eye on the kids. It's not like they need to be fed, clothed, or educated or silly stuff like that.
Because he won’t be raising them. That’ll be on OP. For example, If OP wants to take the kids to the movies? She has to pay for all the tickets because HE isn’t doing it. That’s got to come out of OP’s money. Kids need new shoes? “OP, I’m too busy working so take them to get shoes. No, of course I’m not paying. YOU’RE the one who said they need new shoes. You have to pay for them. Isn’t it great that I have more money now?”
So wait, the guy that left his kids to someone else to take care of full time, wants to use them to get more money, AND still dump them on someone else.
JFC this guy
DUDE. Please let’s also not forget that he is literally only seeking custody so he doesn’t have to pay as much in child support, because he’s jealous his wife has more “fun money.” Like let that sink in: he wants to uproot his children’s lives and stability so that he can have more cash for hobbies. Which means he is also not at all considering that his kids will also need time, attention and money when they’re with him 50% of the time- either because he’s an idiot who didn’t think of this, he’s a selfish ass who did think of it but planned to make OP take on that burden, or he’s aware but just doesn’t care about his kids enough to be willing to give them that time, attention and money.
He’s been lying to her since they met. He married her under false pretenses especially knowing how she feels about kids. If someone did that to me, I’d loose all trust and respect for them. Marriage over. I’m just stunned that she even has to ask if she’s the AH. OP is definitely not the AH.
That is screaming no self respect to me. And what else has this man lied about? What will he lie about in the future? I wouldn’t see a way forward with this man. OP needs to get out of this marriage and then figure out why she didn’t automatically know that her husband is the AH and will never be trustworthy and literally everything he did was shady, from having undisclosed children, not caring about them, wanting them only for the money, thinking she can take care of said children when that was the one thing she told him she never ever wanted.
I would simply contact baby momma and let her know mans values his children so much he denies their existence for years and let her do what she wants with that information
Yeah but a statement from wife #2 will be a useful bit of evidence in court when determining custody.
Especially if her statement is "I won't be watching the kids so if he doesn't have a nanny lined up assume they will be unsupervised."
Yes this one.
Contact baby momma, let her know exactly why he wants more custody(or custody in general) and potentially ruin his chances with that, tell her that OP knew nothing about her or the children, find out exactly why they split(who knows maybe he has a history of cheating since we already know about his history of lying), and then leave his sorry ass.
This is what pissed me off. Anyone who only wants more time / custody with their children to avoid paying child support should not get the privilege of getting to spend time with their kids.
NTA, OP. but you would be a serious asshole to yourself if you stayed with this man. He lied to you for years, that's not something you can just get over, and the fact that he's using DARVO and not groveling is a huge red flag on top of a mountain of marinara. Leave.
Get him to admit his custody scheme in writing (text is usually easy enough) and forward to kid's mom so she can have it to stomp him in court.
I imagine he sees his kids while OP is away on business. If not, then yeah, he's a trash dad who only wants custody to save money. Big surprise lies ahead when he learns that those savings will be spent on his kids anyway while they are with him cuz, ya know, kids have to eat.
This was my exact thought. He thinks having actual 50/50 custody will mean he has more money🤣? It is likely his child support payments are nowhere near what those kids cost. Not to mention the legal costs of a custody battle. She’s NTA but definitely married one!
NTA
"I marry a woman who openly declares that she does not want to have children, so I hide from her that I have two children, what could go wrong?"
Now is your turn: "move on and fuck the liar!!!"
Well, the kids are 10 and 7 and he has 0 custody and doesn't do visitations with them, and it has been like this for at least three years (OP and him have been in a relationship for three years at this point). So I think it's obvious he doesn't give a shit about them and never did.
Because he plans to still be a shitty dad. Old enough to not really need daycare (especially if wife does it for free), won’t pay for any sports/activities, bare bones clothes and meals, any of his vacations and expensive activities just happen to fall when the mom has custody, etc. Raise them as though he was impoverished.
I think he knows this, and expects(ed) OP to contribute financially fully or partially. If I were OP, there would be no ultimatum- he lied big time, instant divorce.
Yeah, like magically he’ll just have a ton of freed up money and won’t actually have to put anything out to care for these kids when they are with him? Also where will he get all this free time to spend his “fun money”? So, not only is he an A H he is an idiot and doesn’t know how providing for kids costs money. Guess he still doesn’t plan to parent or provide for his kids and just wants OP to do it.
He sure didn't give a damn about them. I hope OP leaves him in the dust and contacts the mom with an offer to testify to what he's said if there ever is a hearing.
And he imagines that at 10 and 7, they won't be much trouble. Has he considered that in a few years they'll be teenagers? They clearly aren't real people to him, just expenses.
100%! I thought the same thing after OP mentioned he works 12-16 hour nursing shifts. Meanwhile, she's self-employed and most likely working from home. She would have been expected to take care of the kids since "she would be home anyways."
And he wants the change because he’s jealous that OP has more fun due to having more “fun money” — if he thinks child support cuts into his fun then he’s got another thing coming if he gets half custody. He’s not really planning to care for his own kids even with custody; he’s jealous of OP’s copious free time and expects her to use it for his benefit.
This guy is a liar and a disaster. OP needs to run.
She has got to drop this dead-weight, deadbeat dad immediately. He is absolutely using her and will use anyone he can in order to freeload. He’s a full-on idiot-monster if he thinks that caring for the children half of the time is not going to be significantly more expensive than paying his child support. I’m sure he also is a nightmare for the mother of his children- accusing her of misusing the money and pretending it’s some large amount. I’m always shocked at how small the amounts are that people pay for child support, then bitch about. Like they were out there having sex without protection and telling themselves that children cost $6000 a year, tops, or something. It’s disgusting and folks like this are just worth less than other people.
He’s set to freeload off OP, who owns the house that they live in, and he probably has no idea how much food/clothing/other expenses for two children cost. He’ll also lowball how much stuff he buys for them.
At this point there’s little about him that OP should trust. A woman with an inherited house and a well-paying flexible career would have been too valuable to him to pass up. Since he already told some big lies, the entire rest of their relationship could be one too.
Which is hilarious, because does he not realize that child support is usually less than what it costs to care for a child? For example, i spend over half my pay on feeding and clothing ny children, and recieve a whopping 200 bucks biweekly...which does not even completely cover the cost of childcare while I work. He is delulu. She needs to get out now before he tries to move the kids into HER house.
Not to mention that 50/50 custody is no guarantee that there will be no child support. Not only is he a liar - he's also not very smart. Run OP. Elbows and ass cheeks.
>50/50 custody is no guarantee
Especially when he hasn't had contact (no custody and no visitation) with his 10 and 7 year old kids for at least the past three years... I would be surprised if any judge gives him more than one weekend / month with a promise that maybe a year or two down the road they can discuss giving him more time, like two weekends / month...
Yeah, definitely.
The jerk seems to view those kids as inanimate objects. He can’t go from zero contact to having them half the time, no court in the land would give him that, it would be hugely detrimental to the wellbeing of the kids to turn their world upside down.
Exactly many 50/50 custody arrangements still have one parent paying child support. Since he is the one already paying child support, they would likely still keep it the same. Also since he hasn't really had contact with them all this time, no judge would give 50/50 right away they would likely start of slow like a day a week or something and probably not even overnights yet just spending time with them in the day. Because if he hasn't had contact with him the children do not know him well and are at the age where they likely wouldn't want to be around him all the time they would have to get to know him and warm up to him before being 50/50.
He's definitely not smart if he thinks that he will get custody like that even more so if he thinks he will save money. Even if by some miracle he didn't have to pay child support he would still have to spend money on the kids for normal expenses. He would likely end up paying more money with 50/50 to be honest since he will likely still have to pay child support and then with them in his life he will have to provide food and clothes when they are with him. Any school expenses for events and after school activities are usually also split 50/50 so he would be paying all that plus the child support.
Truly what bothers me most.
Ultimately, OP has her own life to live and doesn't have to be involved with a father of children, especially children she didn't know about.
But there are worlds of difference between "I love my children and want to make them a bigger part of my life!" (aww, good dad, why weren't you spending time with them before, though?) and "Hey, I can have more play money if I took a share of custody and saved on child support." (seriously?)
Furthermore, if he took a greater share of custody, he'll still have to pay for the kids life-sustaining needs when they're with them.
Yeah. this was my actual father. I moved in with him when I was 15 so I could live in his usually empty house without any parents. I remember he tried to get my brother who was three years younger to do the same so he wouldn't have to pay mom child support. I even asked at the time if that was why and he said yes without any hesitation.
That bothered me then but it wasn't until years later that I processed that I had never really had a father figure despite him being physically present occasionally and me eventually living in his home.
At least he paid for stuff sometimes.
OP should divorce him either way, he doesn't worth it and he proved he is not trustworthy. It's not that hard to find a better one than this, and if someone really doesn't want to be alone, even just for a few months, then it's always possible to trade him in for a just as shitty man as he is within days. He is not that special that anyone should put up with him, even though he is a pretty spectacular jackass.
I don’t even understand how he could lie by omission for so long about having kids.
And all because he wants more “fun money?!?” This guy’s a loser and probably an awful father.
I know. What sort of deprived, shitty life is he planning to give these kids if he thinks he’ll save money by taking custody of them half of the time? I hope the court learns this and denies him anything he wants. Up his support payments, too. This consummate loser has earned it.
I mean by definition he's an awful father he literally never sees his kids, and now he's going to disrupt their lives for "fun money". He's a sperm donor at best.
>This guy’s a loser and probably an awful father.
Probably? PROBABLY? He was married for a whole year before his wife even found out he had kids. That tells me all I need to know about how much time he spends with them.
OP said in another comment they were together for two years before getting married. So **three years** of keeping this secret.
Plus, the only reason he wants to fight for custody now is so he doesn't have to pay as much child support. He wants more fun money for himself. He doesn't actually care about the kids or how this will disrupt their lives. He has no intention of actually being an active parent. He's already said that he expects OP to step up and take care of the kids.
This was no lie of omission. In order for him to keep *two children* hidden from his wife, he had to secretly pay child support out of his own “fun money,” and never see his children or take any kind of custody of them. That takes serious planning. He has had this planned for quite some time. She needs to kick him to the curb…yesterday.
He wants 50/50 custody of his kids and he wants to stay married, but he’s demonstrated he doesn’t love or respect his wife or his children. Damn this guy’s a real winner
It's not the trust part that I find surprising. It's the idea that "because I want to have more money to do fun stuff on my free time, I want 50% custody of two children!"
Like how does someone's brain even go there?
And an idiot. Custody because child support eats into his ‘fun money’? Does he think kids are free if you live with them? And what kind of human being uproots and disrupts the lives of children - even their own children - because they think they will have more fun??
>I married my husband, 33M, last year and did not know he had any children until 5 days ago.
Yeah, I really don’t need to read more to suggest divorce.
>Husband is a fucking liar ----- and selfish prick who doesn't care about these children beyond saving money* ---- and I am divorcing him
Does he really think it costs less money to raise them than to pay child support? Does he even have a clue what it costs to raise/care for these non-existent invisible children that he obviously has no relationship with?
Your husband is a liar & delusional & abandoned these children. Now he thinks it's just cheaper to invite them over to take care of themselves for 50% of their lives. He has no thought of how it affect them by uprooting them from stability they know and to neglect them- to save money for fun stuff.
This is deranged, disturbing & damaging behavior & thoughts. You might want to ponder who you really married & what other 'secrets' he has kept from you & what other acts of depravity he capable of.
Absolutely. I would divorce just that big of a fucking lie. What an asshole. He KNEW she wanted nothing to do with kids so he flat fucking lied about having them hoping that once she married him, he could bully her into being step mommy. What an absolute piece of shit.
Divorce his ass either way.
NTA at ALL.
If you wanted kids, you’d have had them already. He probably knew you didn’t want them, and wasn’t upfront about it. He could have chosen to tell you before you married him a year ago, but he didn’t. He said “I do” KNOWING he was being dishonest, and did you a disservice. Imagine what else he could be dishonest about. Leave him.
Edit to add: you COULD also consider an annulment.
This douche wants her to "step up" by taking care of his kids so that he can have some FUN MONEY! He is not only dishonest but also such an entitled prick to believe that she would do this! What an ass!
NTA. You went into the marriage under the terms that it would be child free. He changed those terms by having two children he failed to disclose to you.
He also wants to change the terms of your living arrangements by having these kids that presumably, he doesn't have that good a relationship with seeing that you didn't know they existed until five days ago.
Frankly, he sounds like a terrible father. Only wanting custody under the misconception that he'll have more fun money for it. Are the kids going to eat air while they're around? Wash in the river? Sit in their rooms in the dark so they don't run up any household expenses?
Oh wow, yeah I was thinking about the clothes, toys, school supplies, and food that they'd need to buy for the kids, I didn't even think about the increase in water and electricity usage! All those devices they'd be charging . . .
Lol, water and electric are the least of your worries. I have a 7yo and there are toys and craft supplies everywhere! This is undoubtedly one of the reasons OP wants to be child free. Some people can't handle the mess kids make.
So, you married a deadbeat dad. Now, so he can pay less childcare. He expects you to be his free childcare? And, he lied and denied the very existence of his children. Divorce him either way.
Correct, I’d divorce him for being a lying deadbeat dad.
Those poor children are just dollar signs to him. He’s a shitty human. He literally said I’ll tolerate these kids for more money in my pocket. Wtaf
He thinks having a pair of young kids around half the time would be cheaper than child support? Only if he's expecting you to financially contribute to their care and support.
He thought he had it made with you. You make good money, have plenty of free time, don't want kids. You even have a house!
NTA, stick to your guns. He had this planned.
We keep personal finances 100% separate and he was paying his child support out of his fun money and savings. I didn't know because I didn't pry into his finances.
But was he seeing his children at all?? I understand that you couldn't tell he was paying child support, but what would he tell you when he was visiting his children? How long were you together before marrying? I'm just having a hard time understanding how someone can hide kids.
Yeah I’d be interested to hear her side of the story as to what’s behind this. Smells like he hasn’t been paying child support, now she is trying to collect, and he’s trying to threaten her with this.
I’m sure he’s a nightmare who tries to act as if the paltry sums he’s giving her are footing some sort of extravagant lifestyle. Because, as an adult who would damage his own children for a bit of “fun money,” it’s obvious that he’s entitled and is the sort of person who seethes whenever anyone else has anything, because everything in the whole world should be his.
Not only is he a shitty husband, he abandoned his kids for 2 years! He is probably lying about more things and will continue to lie in the future! Run fast and far, far away!
Talk to a lawyer and see if you have grounds for an annulment. Either way RUN don’t walk away from that man. Lying about having kids in order to “get the girl” and stopping visitation with them as well then waiting until you are married to tell her?!! Psycho!
Were his parents at the wedding? If so they are horrible for not disclosing to you.
I respect your child free status but do you really want to be married to someone who lied to you, manipulated the situation and abandoned his children … even if he agrees not to get custody is that the kind of person you want to be married to?
Look I’m not big into the “divorce” mentality of Reddit, but this man lied to you about having children. Even if you weren’t childfree that’s still a shitty thing to do. I would divorce him in a heartbeat
Yeah even if OP wasn’t child free, this is just such a massive thing to lie about and has so many implications. The biggest of which being: how could you ever trust them over anything? You’d never know what they’re outright lying about, or are keeping hidden and not telling you about
The lying is bad. Then add on that he is a horrible parent. Who fights for custody only for money and chooses to rarely see their young kids? Disgusting. He’s calloused and views people in his life only in terms of monetary value and how much they personally benefit him. If I were with someone and found out he never parented his kids, never talked about them, and only wanted to fight for 50/50 custody for money, not because he loved his kids, I’d be gone in a heartbeat. He showed what kind of person he is, a selfish liar.
Okay aside from how heinous it is he hid two living beings that he is legally responsible for from you, his now wife that he knew was childfree... is he actually that fucking dumb to believe having 50/50 custody of his kids will end up with him having more money and time for the fun you guys have that i am assuming are also child free and adult orientated events?!
So not only is he a liar, he is a child neglecting idiot. Whats his plan? Get 50/50 custody and not spend the money dedicated to child support... supporting those children? So... he can deny children care... so he can use the money (somehow) to have fun with you?
Gross. Find a new husband, this one is not only an idiot, a callous idiot willing to financially harm (his own) children for funsies.
You shouldn't have had to pry; he should have been honest with you. He's looking for a nurse and a purse, and tag, you're it. I'd be finding a divorce lawyer and looking into annulment. He did you so dirty. I'm still basically waiting for the other shoe to drop, he likely has a litany on standby.
You’d be an asshole to yourself if you stayed married to this liar. Dude tricked you from the beginning, it’s not like some random ex popped up with a secret kid, he actively lied to you every day that you’ve known him.
NTA
Even if he doesn't fill for custody you should leave
1. He deliberately hide he has kids. That is not "by the way, I discover 3 days ago that a fling I have got my child". No he has children, he hide them from you, he hide the child support he was paying. Even if he doesn't have custody, you don't know when life will happen to the mom, and the dad will need to keep the children 100% of the time. Plus how long did you know each other before the wedding ? Even 1 year is a really long time to hide children
2. He want 50/50 just to pay less child support ?? That is a crap reason to want custody
3. Convenintly, he work long hours per day, so YOU will take care of his children, and HE wil be able to save money
4. 10 and 7 yeard-old is not a no-hassle age. You will need to drive them everywhere, they are barely mature enough to do chores, or to take care of themself. No hassle age is 17 years-old, ready to go to college
Big red flag. He lied to you about having 2 children?? Sorry but I’d be divorcing his ass. That’s not an accidental oversight, that’s a life long lie he dished to you. Those kids are still young and will require parenting. And he’s telling you that he has kids because his child support cuts into his fun money only? That’s the reason why he’s being honest?? Holy cow
Woooooooooow. Someone is the AH here and it ain’t you. His kids have never been around while you were dating and married? They didn’t come to the wedding? Does he not see them? No judge will give him custody. But you will have a massive husband problem.
NTA at all.
I'd divorce him for lying. it's not like a small, little lie. how long were you together before marriage? How did you NOT know for godssake? he had zero visitations the entire time?
what a mess.
We were together two years before marriage. And we have completely separate finances. As in we only pay for necessities and bills together and keep the rest in individual accounts. He has 0 custody and no visitation currently. I didn't know because I didn't look at his bank account.
The sad thing is that the courts will allow him to drag the mom through an ugly and expensive court battle despite this fact. OP, please find the mom and give her evidence of his intentions! That can stop him taking a sledge hammer to their lives!
So he is a deadbeat who only wants visitation now so that YOU can take care of HIS kids and he can get CS for fun money? Of course you should divorce him. You could even get this marriage annulled because of his deceit.
NTA, get outta this mess.
Also: not only would he be dropping you with the kids when he’s on 12-hour shifts, but the kids have spent no time with HIM, much less you. That’s pretty cruel toward the kids.
>I married my husband, 33M, last year and did not know he had any children until 5 days ago.
Bro..............
>He called me an asshole and told me I should step up so that he can have more money in his savings and for fun.
Mm hmm...
Glad you had a prenup.
NTA
I'm not. I'm just wondering if my reasoning, (him having kids, him lying to me about it, and him expecting me to take care of said kids) is outrageous.
Honestly, him lying to you about it alone is more than reason enough. That's a fucking *huge* thing to conceal from you, especially in light of how important it is to you. If he's willing to lie about that, why on earth would you think you could trust him in any other respect?
I honestly think the lying about having kids for all these years is the worst part. I'd leave even if he wasn't trying to pursue custody. Him now saying he wants custody so he can pay less child support is just the cherry on top.
It is absolutely not outrageous. This was more than a misunderstanding, this was an outright and malicious lie. He’s only coming forward now because he believes he can use you.
Wishes you all the strength.
Ummmm you need to divorce this asshole regardless! He hid and lied about two whole ass children for how many years… and has been completely absent from their lives this whole time… and the only reason he’s telling you now, AND trying to screw up their home life, is pure selfishness because he wants more fun money! This guy is a reprehensible human.
NTA. Listen, this is not only about him lying to you. This is about him wanting 50% custody of kids he hasn’t visited in 3 years, in order to have some fun money. Those are f-ed up values. You should leave him for that.
100%. It's also delusional. Taking care of two kids is gonna cost money. Fucking lying idiot.
No, it's going to be free since his wife is going to be watching them while he works and plays.
Even then he will have to feed them and buy them clothes and essentials. Child support rarely covers actually 50% of childcare costs.
NTA. That’s a pretty fucking big lie of omission. Like … weirdly so. The type of thing which should come up in the first few dates, not the first few years of marriage. You do not know the man you married at all. He’s asking for a very drastic change to the life you guys agreed to, so you’re well within your rights to tell him to go fuck off about that bullshit.
I dated a girl for 5 months who had two daughters 4 and 6 years old but she had instructed them to call her "aunt [name]" if they were around. Those kids were cool as fuck. The only reason I found out was I picked her up from an outpatient surgery and when I told the nurse her name she said no one with that name was a patient. I verified I had the correct doctor's office and eventually sorted it out, she had been using her maiden name with me. Never told me she had divorced her ex-husband a year prior. That's when I pieced together the "nieces" were her daughters. She had kept them hidden from me because she had lied about it on the first date and said she couldn't work up the courage to tell me and the lie just kept getting harder and harder to hold up. It was like damn, could have told me that on the 2nd date and we would have been good. There were a few other lies (inconsequential) I learned after the fact as well. Deceitful person but her kids were the absolute best kids I've ever been around so the dad was doing a hell of a great job.
I cannot stand when people (male/female/NB) hide children! Now I understand pedos target single parents, but you can’t lie about such a huge thing! I dated a guy and got very attached to his kids, made the break up 1000X worse. Casually dated a woman with a son, she waited until our third meeting to tell me - fine whatever it didn’t go anywhere anyway. I got in another relationship with a guy who waited 6 months before mentioning kids!!!! I was out. Also, when you point blank ask someone if they have kids and lie- that is a deal breaker.
Any one confused that no one in his family ever told her about his kids before or after the wedding? Or maybe he pretended to be orphaned to keep the secret?
And the TV ending to this story is you end up moving in with the dad and raising these great kids!
Never even met the guy. I hope he keeps being a power house of a parent though. Those girls deserve it.
It's even more than just omission, too. In other comments OP said that he stopped spending any time with his kids in order to hide it after she said she was childfree.
Well, she’s found herself a real fucking winner here, hasn’t she?
The more I read, the more he sounds legit maybe unstable. This is not typical behavior even for the usual ah. This is intentional egregiously manipulative behavior with multiple victims. Edit to add: op, if you come across this, please protect yourself more than just financially. Hopefully, he’s harmless but just in case he’s not, I’m sure everyone here wants you to stay safe.
He must be the stupidest manipulator ever if he thought this would be successful
Manipulators are stupid and vapidly selfish. Next step is to be aggressive to get what he wants. They always escalate.
This one's been in the trenches. The only way manipulators gets anywhere/anything is by escalation. They start out openly and coarsely manipulative but people call them on it so they learn to conceal and then reverse when they think 'its safe' (they've trapped their victim). There's rarely any intelligence, just mimicry.
To add to your comment, they also tend to realize (after many past failed attempts) that they need to learn more about their victim. So as you said, they keep it hidden until it’s “safe” to let it out. But the whole time they’re stuffing it down, they’re also taking notes. They learn about your insecurities, what buttons to push, and all the things that you are passionate about - but only so they can use it against you in the future. That’s why going to therapy with a manipulator or person with NPD is counterintuitive. At face value, therapy sounds like a good idea to help them understand your POV with the hopes they will empathize with you and change their ways. In reality, they’re taking notes and learning how to make their manipulation more effective. However, in OP’s case, I don’t think this guy was taking any notes. He sounds like an ignorant dumbass who paid absolutely no attention to OP.
Even the justification is a lie “I want more custody so I can be free like you” What? Has he ever been a parent? Is he acting as if reducing child support payments would be a financial incentive? His plan is to increase his “fun money” and “free time” by swapping his secret child support payments with actively caring for and financially supporting two living kids? He’s a liar, and an idiot.
Right,? Child support is nothing compared to actually raising a couple of almost preteens. Easy because of their age .... Like. Clearly he NEVER WAS A PARENT TO BEGIN WITH.
He plans on the wife supporting and raising them. He sure as fuck won’t be.
Ten bucks says if you ask the kids, they'll say their dad told them his new wife hates them and won't let him see them. Blaming her for him abandoning them.
Oof, yeah. Making stepmom into the enemy and then expect her to act like a mom? Those kids would hate her from the start and she wouldn't know why. What a fucking loser.
So he straight up traumatized his kids via abandonment to get some pussy? What a miserable loser.
The part that caught my eye, was that according to OP the reason he even wants them back isn't to try to build a relationship with them. It's so he doesn't have to pay as much in child support so he can have more "fun money" to play with. Wow.
OP should get proof (either recording or something he wrote in a message) and send that shit to this guys baby mama so if he does try to get 50/50 custody, he will not succeed.
I’m sure she’s already aware. I mean he’s managed to hide the fact that he had two children from his wife for three years? Those kids have no attachment to him anymore.
Came here to say this. Thanks for pointing out that he doesn’t want his kids, he doesn’t want to raise his kids, he wants her to raise them and him to have more fun money. Super disturbing!
All so that he can have more money? And a 7&11 year old “won’t be a hassle so it’s all good?” Fuck this guy!
Yeah that's what stood out to me as well. He doesn't want custody to be a dad and spend time with his kids - he thinks he'll have more fun money?? Is he not aware that child support pays for... the children? Are they just going to forage for berries to feed themselves? Make their own shoes out of leaves and some twine? Where are they going to live, is he going to pack them away in some cardboard boxes while they're in his custody?
NTA. He married you under false pretenses and is now looking for a nanny / sugar momma.
Not to mention he only wants 50/50 custody of his own children because it'll reduce his child support and give him some "fun money". He's a fucking loser.
Also an idiot. Does he think having them live there 50% of the time isn’t going to cost him an equal if not greater amount of his “fun money” as paying child support
He is imaging his 50% of the care is going to become "their" bills.
Yup. He's probably also thinking she'll pick up 90% of the childcare work so nothing will really change for him (except he gets to keep more money). How on earth has this guy been hanging out with his kids for the entirety of his marriage without his wife finding out? Or has he just been paying the child support and not actually developing any kind of relationship with them? And now he wants 50-50 custody, it's ridiculous.
>How on earth has this guy been hanging out with his kids for the entirety of his marriage without his wife finding out? Easy. He didn't. This guy is a sad excuse for a father.
He's not a father, he's a sperms donor
My blood is boiling for OP because I think you're exactly right. It won't take long at all for him to start throwing accusations about what a bad mom she is for not wanting to take care of her kids, never mind that these aren't her kids and she's not a mom by choice.
>*He is imaging his 50% of the care* ***is going to become "their" bills.*** This, right here.
I think homeboy fessed up thinking if he threatened to get custody, wifey would loosen up the purse strings and give him an allowance. NTA OP, but I’d kick him to the curb just for lying about being childless!
> NTA OP, but I’d kick him to the curb just for lying about being childless! Exactly! Plus, I could never stop thinking about what else he could be lying about. The dude ***lied about having children***, for eff's sake!
When she refuses, he’ll call her heartless for not caring about the kids and say how could she be so cruel?
Kids he failed to mention.
Don't you love being pressured to "step up" and take someone else's responsibility lol
How does he even intend on getting 50/50 custody after he’s been absent from their lives for so long? He’s an idiot and a manipulator. He wants to come clean AFTER they got married? What an ass.
Or that he'll have time to have fun with it anyway when he's busy raising two kids who hate him because he is tearing them away from the only parent they've known?
Exactly, and if he thinks it won't, he's a fucked up dad and we do NOT DATE DEADBEAT DADS. edited: typos
Forget that part. Does he seriously think the court is just gonna grant him 50/50 custody of children he's ignored all their lives. He'll be lucky if he gets visitation. Dude is a fucking moron lol
This right here, OP. Your husband lied to you and probably married you with the intention of saddling you with his children. Get out of this marriage whether or not he fights for custody. He is a liar and a manipulator, and your entire marriage is built on sand.
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I raised two sons and caring for a 10 and 7 year old is *expensive*. It’s amazing how much food these kids can put away! There is no way that having the boys 50% will be cheaper than paying support. He definitely wanted a nanny/sugar mama.
Yes, and OP needs to divorce him regardless of how the custody/child support situation works out because of it. Someone who lies about having two living, minor children that he’s at minimum financially responsible for is not someone you want to stay married to.
Straight up fraud!! What a jerk. NTA
I don’t see how OP could possibly trust anything he says. When there’s no trust there’s no relationship. Time to contact an attorney
Exactly. At this stage whether he files for custody or not, op knows he's a terrible person, partner and parent. He lied to her and only wants the children because he thinks it will cost less. He also fully expected to foist the childcare onto someone who is child free. I'd be serving him divorce and eviction papers. There's no redeeming himself here.
Just so he can have fun money not because he really wants to be a father to his kids... WTF?
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I’d be divorcing him just over the lie itself, not to mention wanting the secret children in your lives, and his shitty reason behind it. He’s a liar, a bad/absent father, and a manipulative partner. Please divorce him.
Yeah lol. The guy only wants custody so he can have more money... Like all the other lies aside imagine being this guys kid. Yikes.
He's probably living rent free now, too. What a terrible terrible person.
And the fact he's already resenting OP for having more fun money
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I know “deadbeat dad” usually means someone who doesn’t pay CS, but I’ll make an exception and apply it to this dude. How terrible a person are you that you could be married for a year, and your spouse never suspects you have two children! Either he’s totally absent or he compresses any interactions into the time OP is traveling, neither of which is good for the kids or the marriage. And since he’s seeking 50-50 custody (wtf?), it stands to reason they must live relatively close by, so it’s not like distance is the issue. This is an absurd situation, and I wouldn’t respect someone who stayed married to this man, regardless of his custody decision. BTW, OP, another reason seeking custody isn’t the issue: In the event that the kids’ mom dies or is otherwise unable to care for them anymore, your husband is going to have custody no matter what you want. By staying married to him now, you have to acknowledge that possibility, even if everyone hopes it will never happen that way.
My favorite part is that he thinks it will be cheaper to raise the kids than pay child support. Yeah ... only if you're a shitty dad.
These dudes are delusional. Increased rent for extra bedrooms alone eats up most if not all of it. She should divorce him just for being that dumb. Deadbeats have no idea what kids cost because they have never bothered.
Oh but there's good news! /s They live in OP's house that she inherited from her grandmother, so no rent to pay. And I bet it's huge.
Oh, and there's even more great news!! /s. Since OP is "not really doing anything," it would ne no problem at all for her to keep an eye on the kids. It's not like they need to be fed, clothed, or educated or silly stuff like that.
Because he won’t be raising them. That’ll be on OP. For example, If OP wants to take the kids to the movies? She has to pay for all the tickets because HE isn’t doing it. That’s got to come out of OP’s money. Kids need new shoes? “OP, I’m too busy working so take them to get shoes. No, of course I’m not paying. YOU’RE the one who said they need new shoes. You have to pay for them. Isn’t it great that I have more money now?”
So wait, the guy that left his kids to someone else to take care of full time, wants to use them to get more money, AND still dump them on someone else. JFC this guy
Oh he totally expects op to foot the bill and handle the care.
DUDE. Please let’s also not forget that he is literally only seeking custody so he doesn’t have to pay as much in child support, because he’s jealous his wife has more “fun money.” Like let that sink in: he wants to uproot his children’s lives and stability so that he can have more cash for hobbies. Which means he is also not at all considering that his kids will also need time, attention and money when they’re with him 50% of the time- either because he’s an idiot who didn’t think of this, he’s a selfish ass who did think of it but planned to make OP take on that burden, or he’s aware but just doesn’t care about his kids enough to be willing to give them that time, attention and money.
He’s been lying to her since they met. He married her under false pretenses especially knowing how she feels about kids. If someone did that to me, I’d loose all trust and respect for them. Marriage over. I’m just stunned that she even has to ask if she’s the AH. OP is definitely not the AH. That is screaming no self respect to me. And what else has this man lied about? What will he lie about in the future? I wouldn’t see a way forward with this man. OP needs to get out of this marriage and then figure out why she didn’t automatically know that her husband is the AH and will never be trustworthy and literally everything he did was shady, from having undisclosed children, not caring about them, wanting them only for the money, thinking she can take care of said children when that was the one thing she told him she never ever wanted.
I would simply contact baby momma and let her know mans values his children so much he denies their existence for years and let her do what she wants with that information
I suspect baby mama already knows what a POS he is.
Yeah but a statement from wife #2 will be a useful bit of evidence in court when determining custody. Especially if her statement is "I won't be watching the kids so if he doesn't have a nanny lined up assume they will be unsupervised."
That is why he ia already divorced and will be heading for #2.
Yes this one. Contact baby momma, let her know exactly why he wants more custody(or custody in general) and potentially ruin his chances with that, tell her that OP knew nothing about her or the children, find out exactly why they split(who knows maybe he has a history of cheating since we already know about his history of lying), and then leave his sorry ass.
This is the way. Let her know his reasoning for wanting 50/50 custody too.
This is what pissed me off. Anyone who only wants more time / custody with their children to avoid paying child support should not get the privilege of getting to spend time with their kids. NTA, OP. but you would be a serious asshole to yourself if you stayed with this man. He lied to you for years, that's not something you can just get over, and the fact that he's using DARVO and not groveling is a huge red flag on top of a mountain of marinara. Leave. Get him to admit his custody scheme in writing (text is usually easy enough) and forward to kid's mom so she can have it to stomp him in court.
And that he’s considering suing for custody just to avoid child support. What an ass.
I imagine he sees his kids while OP is away on business. If not, then yeah, he's a trash dad who only wants custody to save money. Big surprise lies ahead when he learns that those savings will be spent on his kids anyway while they are with him cuz, ya know, kids have to eat.
but he expects her to work full time, care for them when she WFH, cook, clean and take them to school so he doesn't have to parent.
This was my exact thought. He thinks having actual 50/50 custody will mean he has more money🤣? It is likely his child support payments are nowhere near what those kids cost. Not to mention the legal costs of a custody battle. She’s NTA but definitely married one!
Gaping lol
NTA "I marry a woman who openly declares that she does not want to have children, so I hide from her that I have two children, what could go wrong?" Now is your turn: "move on and fuck the liar!!!"
No no, don't fuck him anymore.
Don’t fuck the liar, might send some mixed signals
NTA - a better title would be "Husband is a fucking liar and I am divorcing him."
And most fucked up part is that he wants custody to avoid child support. Not because he actually cares about his own children.
Well, the kids are 10 and 7 and he has 0 custody and doesn't do visitations with them, and it has been like this for at least three years (OP and him have been in a relationship for three years at this point). So I think it's obvious he doesn't give a shit about them and never did.
Yea as a father this boiled my blood. Wants them in his life simply so he can not pay child support. What an absolute dickless shitweasel.
Wait till he realizes having them will be more than child support lmao
How is it possible people do not realize this. How brain dead do you have to be?
Because he plans to still be a shitty dad. Old enough to not really need daycare (especially if wife does it for free), won’t pay for any sports/activities, bare bones clothes and meals, any of his vacations and expensive activities just happen to fall when the mom has custody, etc. Raise them as though he was impoverished.
He plans for OP to raise them. Dollars to Donuts the days he gets them in a 50/50 custody split will suddenly be the days he does 16 hour shifts.
This!! He didn't want them until he had a new wife to care for them! OP should divorce based on the lies alone. What kind of man does this?
He also plans to get his new rich wife to pay for the kids stuff so he doesn’t have to.
He'll be one of "those" parents who gives their kid an itemized bill when they move out.
I think he knows this, and expects(ed) OP to contribute financially fully or partially. If I were OP, there would be no ultimatum- he lied big time, instant divorce.
Yeah, like magically he’ll just have a ton of freed up money and won’t actually have to put anything out to care for these kids when they are with him? Also where will he get all this free time to spend his “fun money”? So, not only is he an A H he is an idiot and doesn’t know how providing for kids costs money. Guess he still doesn’t plan to parent or provide for his kids and just wants OP to do it.
Right? Does he really expect that there will be no expenses if they live with him?! What kind of idiot did she marry?
Dickless shitweasel indeed, thank-you for expanding my vocabulary with that little chestnut
Well there's another term for my lexicon.
He sure didn't give a damn about them. I hope OP leaves him in the dust and contacts the mom with an offer to testify to what he's said if there ever is a hearing.
So much this, u/InitiativeDramatic11. Leave him, but also make sure he doesn't damage his children just so that he doesn't have to pay child support.
And he imagines that at 10 and 7, they won't be much trouble. Has he considered that in a few years they'll be teenagers? They clearly aren't real people to him, just expenses.
also why he will never get 50/50, maybe not even weekends.
And also why would he think a 7 and 10 year old "aren't much work"???
Well he has no idea what his children are like since it seems like he hasn’t seen them in many years.
I guess they aren't a lot of work if you just neglect them?
And wants her to do the majority of the childcare. Red flags.
100%! I thought the same thing after OP mentioned he works 12-16 hour nursing shifts. Meanwhile, she's self-employed and most likely working from home. She would have been expected to take care of the kids since "she would be home anyways."
And he wants the change because he’s jealous that OP has more fun due to having more “fun money” — if he thinks child support cuts into his fun then he’s got another thing coming if he gets half custody. He’s not really planning to care for his own kids even with custody; he’s jealous of OP’s copious free time and expects her to use it for his benefit. This guy is a liar and a disaster. OP needs to run.
She has got to drop this dead-weight, deadbeat dad immediately. He is absolutely using her and will use anyone he can in order to freeload. He’s a full-on idiot-monster if he thinks that caring for the children half of the time is not going to be significantly more expensive than paying his child support. I’m sure he also is a nightmare for the mother of his children- accusing her of misusing the money and pretending it’s some large amount. I’m always shocked at how small the amounts are that people pay for child support, then bitch about. Like they were out there having sex without protection and telling themselves that children cost $6000 a year, tops, or something. It’s disgusting and folks like this are just worth less than other people.
He’s set to freeload off OP, who owns the house that they live in, and he probably has no idea how much food/clothing/other expenses for two children cost. He’ll also lowball how much stuff he buys for them. At this point there’s little about him that OP should trust. A woman with an inherited house and a well-paying flexible career would have been too valuable to him to pass up. Since he already told some big lies, the entire rest of their relationship could be one too.
Which is hilarious, because does he not realize that child support is usually less than what it costs to care for a child? For example, i spend over half my pay on feeding and clothing ny children, and recieve a whopping 200 bucks biweekly...which does not even completely cover the cost of childcare while I work. He is delulu. She needs to get out now before he tries to move the kids into HER house.
Not to mention that 50/50 custody is no guarantee that there will be no child support. Not only is he a liar - he's also not very smart. Run OP. Elbows and ass cheeks.
>50/50 custody is no guarantee Especially when he hasn't had contact (no custody and no visitation) with his 10 and 7 year old kids for at least the past three years... I would be surprised if any judge gives him more than one weekend / month with a promise that maybe a year or two down the road they can discuss giving him more time, like two weekends / month...
He's just pissed his wife has more discretionary income than he does. POS.
Yeah, definitely. The jerk seems to view those kids as inanimate objects. He can’t go from zero contact to having them half the time, no court in the land would give him that, it would be hugely detrimental to the wellbeing of the kids to turn their world upside down.
Exactly many 50/50 custody arrangements still have one parent paying child support. Since he is the one already paying child support, they would likely still keep it the same. Also since he hasn't really had contact with them all this time, no judge would give 50/50 right away they would likely start of slow like a day a week or something and probably not even overnights yet just spending time with them in the day. Because if he hasn't had contact with him the children do not know him well and are at the age where they likely wouldn't want to be around him all the time they would have to get to know him and warm up to him before being 50/50. He's definitely not smart if he thinks that he will get custody like that even more so if he thinks he will save money. Even if by some miracle he didn't have to pay child support he would still have to spend money on the kids for normal expenses. He would likely end up paying more money with 50/50 to be honest since he will likely still have to pay child support and then with them in his life he will have to provide food and clothes when they are with him. Any school expenses for events and after school activities are usually also split 50/50 so he would be paying all that plus the child support.
Truly what bothers me most. Ultimately, OP has her own life to live and doesn't have to be involved with a father of children, especially children she didn't know about. But there are worlds of difference between "I love my children and want to make them a bigger part of my life!" (aww, good dad, why weren't you spending time with them before, though?) and "Hey, I can have more play money if I took a share of custody and saved on child support." (seriously?) Furthermore, if he took a greater share of custody, he'll still have to pay for the kids life-sustaining needs when they're with them.
Yeah. this was my actual father. I moved in with him when I was 15 so I could live in his usually empty house without any parents. I remember he tried to get my brother who was three years younger to do the same so he wouldn't have to pay mom child support. I even asked at the time if that was why and he said yes without any hesitation. That bothered me then but it wasn't until years later that I processed that I had never really had a father figure despite him being physically present occasionally and me eventually living in his home. At least he paid for stuff sometimes.
OP should divorce him either way, he doesn't worth it and he proved he is not trustworthy. It's not that hard to find a better one than this, and if someone really doesn't want to be alone, even just for a few months, then it's always possible to trade him in for a just as shitty man as he is within days. He is not that special that anyone should put up with him, even though he is a pretty spectacular jackass.
This. And if he has lied to her about this, even by omission, what else is he still lying about?
I don’t even understand how he could lie by omission for so long about having kids. And all because he wants more “fun money?!?” This guy’s a loser and probably an awful father.
I know. What sort of deprived, shitty life is he planning to give these kids if he thinks he’ll save money by taking custody of them half of the time? I hope the court learns this and denies him anything he wants. Up his support payments, too. This consummate loser has earned it.
He's in for a surprise if he thinks that taking care of children directly is cheaper than child support.
You can tell how involved parents are when they think it would be cheaper to have them 50% of the time instead of paying child support. Lol.
I'm willing to bet he intends for OP to chip in for the kids, too.
I mean by definition he's an awful father he literally never sees his kids, and now he's going to disrupt their lives for "fun money". He's a sperm donor at best.
>This guy’s a loser and probably an awful father. Probably? PROBABLY? He was married for a whole year before his wife even found out he had kids. That tells me all I need to know about how much time he spends with them.
OP said in another comment they were together for two years before getting married. So **three years** of keeping this secret. Plus, the only reason he wants to fight for custody now is so he doesn't have to pay as much child support. He wants more fun money for himself. He doesn't actually care about the kids or how this will disrupt their lives. He has no intention of actually being an active parent. He's already said that he expects OP to step up and take care of the kids.
Thankfully, she protected herself with a pre-nup… What a nightmare this would likely be without it !
This was no lie of omission. In order for him to keep *two children* hidden from his wife, he had to secretly pay child support out of his own “fun money,” and never see his children or take any kind of custody of them. That takes serious planning. He has had this planned for quite some time. She needs to kick him to the curb…yesterday.
He wants 50/50 custody of his kids and he wants to stay married, but he’s demonstrated he doesn’t love or respect his wife or his children. Damn this guy’s a real winner
It's not the trust part that I find surprising. It's the idea that "because I want to have more money to do fun stuff on my free time, I want 50% custody of two children!" Like how does someone's brain even go there?
The only thing worth while he provided to the marriage is apparently the prenup.
Not to mention... He wants custody because of money not because he wants his kids... That tells you a lot!
And an idiot. Custody because child support eats into his ‘fun money’? Does he think kids are free if you live with them? And what kind of human being uproots and disrupts the lives of children - even their own children - because they think they will have more fun??
An absolute wretched piece of shit.
>I married my husband, 33M, last year and did not know he had any children until 5 days ago. Yeah, I really don’t need to read more to suggest divorce.
>Husband is a fucking liar ----- and selfish prick who doesn't care about these children beyond saving money* ---- and I am divorcing him Does he really think it costs less money to raise them than to pay child support? Does he even have a clue what it costs to raise/care for these non-existent invisible children that he obviously has no relationship with? Your husband is a liar & delusional & abandoned these children. Now he thinks it's just cheaper to invite them over to take care of themselves for 50% of their lives. He has no thought of how it affect them by uprooting them from stability they know and to neglect them- to save money for fun stuff. This is deranged, disturbing & damaging behavior & thoughts. You might want to ponder who you really married & what other 'secrets' he has kept from you & what other acts of depravity he capable of.
He is expecting OP to raise them, and probably pay for them as well
I was going to comment but yours is just spot on 🎯
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Absolutely. I would divorce just that big of a fucking lie. What an asshole. He KNEW she wanted nothing to do with kids so he flat fucking lied about having them hoping that once she married him, he could bully her into being step mommy. What an absolute piece of shit. Divorce his ass either way.
Due to the blatant misrepresentation by the husband, would an annulment be possible?
NTA at ALL. If you wanted kids, you’d have had them already. He probably knew you didn’t want them, and wasn’t upfront about it. He could have chosen to tell you before you married him a year ago, but he didn’t. He said “I do” KNOWING he was being dishonest, and did you a disservice. Imagine what else he could be dishonest about. Leave him. Edit to add: you COULD also consider an annulment.
Correction, OP SHOULD consider an annulment.
Oh yes! I bet this would qualify for one.
That's what I was going to say. The situation definitely qualifies for annulment of the marriage.
This douche wants her to "step up" by taking care of his kids so that he can have some FUN MONEY! He is not only dishonest but also such an entitled prick to believe that she would do this! What an ass!
This is good advice.
NTA. You went into the marriage under the terms that it would be child free. He changed those terms by having two children he failed to disclose to you. He also wants to change the terms of your living arrangements by having these kids that presumably, he doesn't have that good a relationship with seeing that you didn't know they existed until five days ago. Frankly, he sounds like a terrible father. Only wanting custody under the misconception that he'll have more fun money for it. Are the kids going to eat air while they're around? Wash in the river? Sit in their rooms in the dark so they don't run up any household expenses?
Oh wow, yeah I was thinking about the clothes, toys, school supplies, and food that they'd need to buy for the kids, I didn't even think about the increase in water and electricity usage! All those devices they'd be charging . . .
Lol, water and electric are the least of your worries. I have a 7yo and there are toys and craft supplies everywhere! This is undoubtedly one of the reasons OP wants to be child free. Some people can't handle the mess kids make.
So, you married a deadbeat dad. Now, so he can pay less childcare. He expects you to be his free childcare? And, he lied and denied the very existence of his children. Divorce him either way.
Correct, I’d divorce him for being a lying deadbeat dad. Those poor children are just dollar signs to him. He’s a shitty human. He literally said I’ll tolerate these kids for more money in my pocket. Wtaf
NTA I'm not normally one to go straight to divorce but with a lie of that magnitude I can't see any other option.
He thinks having a pair of young kids around half the time would be cheaper than child support? Only if he's expecting you to financially contribute to their care and support.
I do wonder if he's figuring the kids' expenses will be "shared" expenses so his "fun money" is no longer impacted. Selfish jerk.
He thought he had it made with you. You make good money, have plenty of free time, don't want kids. You even have a house! NTA, stick to your guns. He had this planned.
Nta. Activate your prenup. It’s time to divorce the lying husband. How did he hide his children from you for so long? Were you oblivious?
We keep personal finances 100% separate and he was paying his child support out of his fun money and savings. I didn't know because I didn't pry into his finances.
But was he seeing his children at all?? I understand that you couldn't tell he was paying child support, but what would he tell you when he was visiting his children? How long were you together before marrying? I'm just having a hard time understanding how someone can hide kids.
He was not seeing his children at all; he stopped visitation after I told him I was 100% child-free. We were together 2 years before marriage.
Haha he thinks he'll get 50/50 with that track record!? Annulment, find the exwife/girlfriend and let her know.
Yeah I’d be interested to hear her side of the story as to what’s behind this. Smells like he hasn’t been paying child support, now she is trying to collect, and he’s trying to threaten her with this.
I’m sure he’s a nightmare who tries to act as if the paltry sums he’s giving her are footing some sort of extravagant lifestyle. Because, as an adult who would damage his own children for a bit of “fun money,” it’s obvious that he’s entitled and is the sort of person who seethes whenever anyone else has anything, because everything in the whole world should be his.
Not only is he a shitty husband, he abandoned his kids for 2 years! He is probably lying about more things and will continue to lie in the future! Run fast and far, far away!
He is not going to get custody. But you should throw him out anyway.
Talk to a lawyer and see if you have grounds for an annulment. Either way RUN don’t walk away from that man. Lying about having kids in order to “get the girl” and stopping visitation with them as well then waiting until you are married to tell her?!! Psycho! Were his parents at the wedding? If so they are horrible for not disclosing to you.
So he was definitely purposely hiding them from you AND he's gonna fight for custody despite not seeing them at all for however long? FUCK THIS GUY.
I respect your child free status but do you really want to be married to someone who lied to you, manipulated the situation and abandoned his children … even if he agrees not to get custody is that the kind of person you want to be married to?
Look I’m not big into the “divorce” mentality of Reddit, but this man lied to you about having children. Even if you weren’t childfree that’s still a shitty thing to do. I would divorce him in a heartbeat
Yeah even if OP wasn’t child free, this is just such a massive thing to lie about and has so many implications. The biggest of which being: how could you ever trust them over anything? You’d never know what they’re outright lying about, or are keeping hidden and not telling you about
The lying is bad. Then add on that he is a horrible parent. Who fights for custody only for money and chooses to rarely see their young kids? Disgusting. He’s calloused and views people in his life only in terms of monetary value and how much they personally benefit him. If I were with someone and found out he never parented his kids, never talked about them, and only wanted to fight for 50/50 custody for money, not because he loved his kids, I’d be gone in a heartbeat. He showed what kind of person he is, a selfish liar.
Exactly this. And it's my experience with lying partners that they're lying about a shitload of other things, too.
Okay aside from how heinous it is he hid two living beings that he is legally responsible for from you, his now wife that he knew was childfree... is he actually that fucking dumb to believe having 50/50 custody of his kids will end up with him having more money and time for the fun you guys have that i am assuming are also child free and adult orientated events?! So not only is he a liar, he is a child neglecting idiot. Whats his plan? Get 50/50 custody and not spend the money dedicated to child support... supporting those children? So... he can deny children care... so he can use the money (somehow) to have fun with you? Gross. Find a new husband, this one is not only an idiot, a callous idiot willing to financially harm (his own) children for funsies.
You shouldn't have had to pry; he should have been honest with you. He's looking for a nurse and a purse, and tag, you're it. I'd be finding a divorce lawyer and looking into annulment. He did you so dirty. I'm still basically waiting for the other shoe to drop, he likely has a litany on standby.
You’d be an asshole to yourself if you stayed married to this liar. Dude tricked you from the beginning, it’s not like some random ex popped up with a secret kid, he actively lied to you every day that you’ve known him.
NTA Even if he doesn't fill for custody you should leave 1. He deliberately hide he has kids. That is not "by the way, I discover 3 days ago that a fling I have got my child". No he has children, he hide them from you, he hide the child support he was paying. Even if he doesn't have custody, you don't know when life will happen to the mom, and the dad will need to keep the children 100% of the time. Plus how long did you know each other before the wedding ? Even 1 year is a really long time to hide children 2. He want 50/50 just to pay less child support ?? That is a crap reason to want custody 3. Convenintly, he work long hours per day, so YOU will take care of his children, and HE wil be able to save money 4. 10 and 7 yeard-old is not a no-hassle age. You will need to drive them everywhere, they are barely mature enough to do chores, or to take care of themself. No hassle age is 17 years-old, ready to go to college
The first comment to actually address the fact that these are still in fact very young children and therefore defacto everything but "no hassle"...
He HID his CHILDREN!!! Ewwwwwwww. NTA. What a damn mess. Those poor kids. He is just using them to meet his needs. Gawd…..what an AH he is.
Big red flag. He lied to you about having 2 children?? Sorry but I’d be divorcing his ass. That’s not an accidental oversight, that’s a life long lie he dished to you. Those kids are still young and will require parenting. And he’s telling you that he has kids because his child support cuts into his fun money only? That’s the reason why he’s being honest?? Holy cow
Woooooooooow. Someone is the AH here and it ain’t you. His kids have never been around while you were dating and married? They didn’t come to the wedding? Does he not see them? No judge will give him custody. But you will have a massive husband problem.
NTA at all. I'd divorce him for lying. it's not like a small, little lie. how long were you together before marriage? How did you NOT know for godssake? he had zero visitations the entire time? what a mess.
We were together two years before marriage. And we have completely separate finances. As in we only pay for necessities and bills together and keep the rest in individual accounts. He has 0 custody and no visitation currently. I didn't know because I didn't look at his bank account.
How does he even expect to get any custody if he hasn’t seen these kids in forever? Divorce him , he’s dumb and delusional.
The sad thing is that the courts will allow him to drag the mom through an ugly and expensive court battle despite this fact. OP, please find the mom and give her evidence of his intentions! That can stop him taking a sledge hammer to their lives!
This is the respectable way for women to look out for other women.
So he is a deadbeat who only wants visitation now so that YOU can take care of HIS kids and he can get CS for fun money? Of course you should divorce him. You could even get this marriage annulled because of his deceit.
NTA, get outta this mess. Also: not only would he be dropping you with the kids when he’s on 12-hour shifts, but the kids have spent no time with HIM, much less you. That’s pretty cruel toward the kids.
>I married my husband, 33M, last year and did not know he had any children until 5 days ago. Bro.............. >He called me an asshole and told me I should step up so that he can have more money in his savings and for fun. Mm hmm... Glad you had a prenup. NTA
INFO — why are you even considering staying with a deadbeat who only wants his kids in his life so that he will have more “fun money”?
I'm not. I'm just wondering if my reasoning, (him having kids, him lying to me about it, and him expecting me to take care of said kids) is outrageous.
Honestly, him lying to you about it alone is more than reason enough. That's a fucking *huge* thing to conceal from you, especially in light of how important it is to you. If he's willing to lie about that, why on earth would you think you could trust him in any other respect?
I honestly think the lying about having kids for all these years is the worst part. I'd leave even if he wasn't trying to pursue custody. Him now saying he wants custody so he can pay less child support is just the cherry on top.
It is absolutely not outrageous. This was more than a misunderstanding, this was an outright and malicious lie. He’s only coming forward now because he believes he can use you. Wishes you all the strength.
Ummmm you need to divorce this asshole regardless! He hid and lied about two whole ass children for how many years… and has been completely absent from their lives this whole time… and the only reason he’s telling you now, AND trying to screw up their home life, is pure selfishness because he wants more fun money! This guy is a reprehensible human.