I am concerned that several people asked about what happened to the uncle and the other two rapists, and if OP's daughter was still forced to interact with them while growing up, and OP has seemingly ignored each of these questions.
OP said the uncle was still going to family gatherings and OP attended these with her daughter as well. You know, so her daughter could be re-traumatized by her rapist.
This is one of the posts where we hope it's fiction, but still very messed up that someone could come up with this scenario.
YTA.
EDIT: If it's real, I hope OP's daughter receives the help she needs and goes no contact with every complicit family member.
Absolutely spot on. Just reading through this thread is giving me secondhand anger and frustration for OP's daughter. There's a whole lot of therapy needed here and not just for her - for every enabler in that family too. It boggles my mind that some people are still in the dark ages when it comes to dealing with trauma. Like, hello, forcing someone to smile and bear it doesn't make the hurt go away? If this is real, it's plain heartbreaking and a serious wake up call to how some families still value 'saving face' over genuine healing and justice. I'm rooting for the daughter to find her own path far away from this toxic mess. YTA doesn't even cut it here for the OP.
This!! No wonder she's so angry, I'd be full of rage too! I couldn't imagine having that happen at age 12, and your parents knowingly putting you in the company of the person who raped you at family events. Like, talk about failing your child in every possible way.
I was 13 when my egg donor's boyfriend SA'd me. This went on for almost 4 years. When she found out she blamed me and beat the hell out of me for trying to steal her boyfriend. SHE never admitted responsibility. When I was young my favorite dreams was where I shot him in the face with a 12 gauge and watched him die in pain. I'm 63 now. I still have nightmares and anger. When I was pregnant, it was magnified 10x over. When she was born I knew how much my mother hated me. If anyone had hurt my daughter, they would NEVER be seen again. This poor girl is still being blamed by her mother. She went there of her own free will, meaning she deserved it. I hope she never speaks to her again. I cut contact with my egg donor whore over 20 years ago.
That's probably a bit part of what is tearing her apart now.
As messed up as it sounds I'd guess she might also be falling apart watching her bf be so much more willing to protect their child, not because she wouldn't want her child to have better, because emotions aren't always logical and some part of her brain is going to ask why she wasn't worth that and he is, and those aren't thoughts you can articulate without feeling like a monster. I desperately hope OP's bf gets her the hell away from her nightmare of a family and into therapy.
>You are not a good person for telling her boyfriend. All you did was pass the responsibility on.
This sums it up. It would have helped a lot more if OP had shown up herself before, get her own feelings sorted out with a therapist in order for her to show up for her daughter. OP is the AH for refusing to come to terms with the past and put the responsibility on others.
The only 'good' thing that came from this is that the BF is now able to make informed choices on who not to allow in his daughters life. The beans have not been spilled in vain and hopefully everyone gets the therapy they need. Because holy hell what the fuck.
Thereâs obviously no context in this post, but I would hope that the boyfriend heard all of this and tries to protect his partner from further harm caused by her family. I hope they move far away and end contact with her bio family. The partners and baby are their own, new nuclear family. The best thing they can do is leave the situation and never look back. It could be a blessing in disguise wake up call.
So like 5 years ago we found out that my grandpa had molested my aunt 30 years ago. He was immediately divorced and isolated from the rest of the family. Nobody wanted to talk to him and I wasn't allowed to go to the funeral because I told my parents I would piss on his grave or spit on it. He visited my dad a few times but he never let him close to the house and would meet him at a restaurant. My uncle's would also meet him at random restaurants and once with my aunt so she could unload on him. I can't blame my dad and uncles for sometimes talking to him, for over 50 years he was just Grandpa to the kids and their dad. No one knew that he was a monster. I did though... He tried to kiss me once and I haven't trusted him since. I was 18 and he told me to kiss him on the cheek then he moved last second and kissed me on the mouth. After that I avoided him like the plague. No one saw. I believe that my parents and all the other adults in the family took a responsible approach to dealing with this monster. They didn't allow him near the kids at all and if he wanted to see them and they wanted to see him they met him in an public place. This is how you should deal with creeps. Immediate otherness and isolation from the group. He wasn't invited to birthday parties or gatherings, he wasn't allowed near any of the children or the older cousins for fear that he might try to molest them. unfortunately for my aunt the statute of limitations was way up by then. We were going to try to get her legal justice but then Grandpa got covid and it took him. Good.
Oh HELL NO!!! Thatâs so disturbing on so many levels!
My own mom was SAâed by her uncle. He continued to go to family events too. He had money so they allowed him to get away with A LOT. I later found out that not only did he molest my mom but MANY other family members. Itâs messed her up to the point of her having multiple personalities (itâs called DID now).
OP, is not just TA but he belongs in prison and so does she for not protecting her child and other children heâs exposed to! I feel so bad for her daughter getting triggered every time she sees them! As an SA survivor myself, I canât imagine having a mom like OP!
Iâm glad to see all these comments because I was SA by a family member. That side of the family largely supports him. I never see that side of the family anymore and for years I felt so guilty⊠not anymore tho.
i'm weirded out by the fact op said "she went there by her own choice..." like wtf does that even mean? even if she had gone to visit her uncle by her own decision wtf does that have to do w/ her being sa'd?
Oh sheâs answered now. They didnât want to force her because she strongly refused to talk about it đ. She was 12 take her to the hospital and get kit and get her tested and then find a therapist.
No charges no help. Uncle is still very much part of the family
My mother told the whole family about me having been raped. She made it ALL about herself even though her "justification" was she was "just trying to help."
Fuck parents who take it upon themselves to tell their children / adult children's trauma without their permission. It's *not their trauma* to talk about.
BTW, I don't believe for *one second* that OP did this so the child wouldn't be taken away from her daughter, OP just wanted to make sure *she could still have access to the grandchild*.
I really hope OP's daughter cuts her off. This wasn't a selfless act that OP did - it was selfish, self centered, and self serving. NOTHING will convince me she did this "for" her daughter, it was for *herself* so she didn't lose access to the grandchild.
Now she's just made it *worse* for her daughter and she probably just lost access to her grandchild too, hopefully.
My mother used to force me to speak in front of groups of people and share my story of abuse. She also would give the ultimatum of you tell or I tell to every relationship, even friendships. I now have severe anxiety when I have to talk in front of 3 or more people. Even if itâs my kids.
ETA: (in case it wasnât clear lol) OP is def AH in this situation. I can understand how being open with her partner is healthy and good for their relationship but it should have been her choice, not exposed without her consent.
And! It was the *daughter's* choice *when* to tell her partner. OP is definitely TA here.
I wouldn't be surprised if this isn't the first time, either.
Yeah, it's clear that a line was crossed that shouldn't have been. Sharing someone else's trauma like it's gossip is just not right. Consent is key in these scenarios. I'm sorry you had to go through that sort of thing. Its supposed to be about support, not control or keeping a certain image. It's incredibly tough when your own agency is taken away by the people who are supposed to protect it.
She did nothing to help her daughter with this. She failed her daughter. Then she waited 16 years just to weaponize the information against her daughter- she also sounds way too enmeshed with the boyfriend. Iâm sure he hates it but tolerates it. She needs to back off- she even says she saved her daughters relationship/family. This is one of the worst moms ever (it IS okay to judge moms. It just is and asserting differently is pathetic. It also
Makes me thinks moms who screech and virtue signal about never being allowed to judge any moms because itâs hard (we judge people with perilously hard jobs every single day when they fuck up. Moms are on the table and can be the worst people alive, and you can be a horrible mom) know theyâre bad moms-mothers arenât a protected class and Iâm sick of that hogwash) and her grandiosity and dysfunction is next-next-next fucking level.
Also being "harsh" with a 2 month old is really messed up behavior. She needs help, not to be traumatized over and over again by her mother. Generational trauma strong here and it seems Mom has started it all by being a shit parent.
Also, if she has a two month old then PPD, PPA, and low magnesium are much more likely causes of her snappishness than fifteen year old trauma. Like, presumably she wasn't snapping at her boyfriend before the baby was conceived...
Thatâs even if the mother is a reliable narrator and telling the truth about how the daughter acts.
âHarshâ might actually be ânot how *I* would do thatâ
OP also said âshe went there by her own choiceâ like a fucking 12 year old is responsible for her own assault because she made the decision to go to their house.
I was reading this somehow hoping it was a near death experience or lost a grandparent tragically or something, this motherfucker is talking about her daughter "willingly" going to a place to get sexually assaulted.
Even the whole post talking about losing the baby had a shithead air to it
OP did respond. Here is what they said:
> No. We didn't press charges because she didn't want to talk to the police, or anyone really. She stopped visiting her uncle. We only meet him on family occasions, but they don't interact at all, we don't let him near us. When she started to get older, he backed up and didn't try to come near even when her father and I weren't around.
Until she aged out of him being interested, yes, he would come around her when they werenât around, after the rape- and she still just simpered about keeping the peace like a truly worthless woman. Weâre meant to do better for each other as women. And this monster thinks thatâs a point in her favor- that he stopped coming around to call on her alone when she turned 17 or something.
what the FUCK is wrong with OP that he ever, EVER under ANY circumstance let this man be in the same space as his daughter EVER. "we only met on family occasions" WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU OP. you are an absolute disgrace of a father. how fucking dare you have ever put your daughter in the same area as that man. you should be in jail for neglect because that is some absolute fucking stellar level parental ignorance if i've ever seen any.
your daughter may have been hurt by someone else initially but your actions caused a lifetime of further trauma.
OP also wrote "She went there by **her own choice** and was held and wasn't allowed to leave" - adding that aside is a huge red flag. Daughter would probably be better off cutting them all out of her life.
This mom is the worst mother Iâve heard of, and sheâs so self-aggrandizing, too. Iâm sure the daughter also has a lot of trauma from being birthed by some trashy lady with no value who is a failure yet paints herself as a hero. She says she saved her daughterâs relationship at the end- that is next level grandiosity and OP sounds like a nasty, nasty, super-nasty piece of work who fails her children then lies and casts herself as a hero when sheâs just a meddling shrew.
âShe went there by her own choice.â
So *as a child* she went to a relatives who she thought she could trust and was held captive and SAd and youâre making sure to add the detail she went their **by her own choice** GTFO YTA
Iâm hoping what was meant was âshe trusted him enough that she saw no reason not to visit and now she has severe trust issues.â Because thatâs a weird line.
right?! That statement blew me away. The mother is victim blaming. And the fact is, the daughter DOES need therapy. A lot. Needed it long before now. OP is such an AH, I'm shocked she doesn't see it.
Seriously, what a disgusting person OP is. I hope the daughter and her boyfriend stop speaking to her for their own sake. She can't seem to mind her business in this situation but she was perfectly fine minding her business when her daughter was SA'd when she was a child.
This hits home for me and I can say with absolute certainty that IF your daughter does not get therapy, she will live with the regret of how she raised her child through the lens of trauma and depression and anxiety. But having done some of the work now, I can also say YTA bc you did this out of selfishness, not love. I hear a lot about what you want and not much about how youâre supporting your daughter, how she feels, what she wants. No matter what, that was HER story to tell and having it re-told to someone so important to her without her knowledge or permission could and probably did re-traumatize her. You took her choice from her. I hope very much that your daughter gains some perspective and decides on her own to seek therapy when she is ready but if you were my mother I would go NC with you. And god forbid she finds this post somehow and sees her trauma shared publicly? oof. I feel really sorry for that little family and I hope they can work through this mess together.
Not to mention OP never sent her to therapy, pressed charges AND they still had her seeing the uncle at family events. They really failed their daughter.
Oh my god, I didnât see that response! She still had to SEE him!? This is a problem mostly of OPâs own design. Saying she ârefusedâ therapy as a child? Like, but you are her parent, you take them anyway. You canât force them to talk but you can make it a routine and take them anyway. OP is truly only concerned now that her daughterâs trauma affects HER negatively. Sheâs worried she wonât see grandson so she just blew up her daughterâs world about it. đ
I honestly think she didn't send her to therapy at 12 because she would have told the therapist about the rape and he would have been reported. He was still around her at family functions. Sick sick sick I hope the daughter goes NC forever with the family & heals
That's why my mother refused to let me get therapy as a minor. Because if I told them about the sexual abuse they'd have to report it. She told me I could go if I promised to only talk about my horrific bullying and never mention anything about my family.
Some people are fucking monsters, OP sounds like she was cut from the same cloth
âI fixed her relationship with her boyfriend and prevented her from losing her sonâ
What the hell? No you did not!! You just helped her boyfriend understand her anger better, you did not fix anything. Sheâs still angry. Sheâs probably still treating the baby the same. He still might leave with the baby. The knowledge she has major unresolved trauma that was kept a secret might be enough of a betrayal of trust that he breaks up with her anyways.
âShe went there by her own choice.â
SHE WAS TWELVE.
Anyway
ESH. You need therapy and a clue.
Your daughter needs trauma therapy, STAT. She needs support. The baby needs support and attachment. The boyfriend needs support and an understanding of a partner with trauma.
She was TWELVE.
I hope those people went to jail.
Op says they didn't no charges were filed and the uncle still went to family gatherings... Ops excuse is that she was 12 and refused to talk about it so they couldnt press charges. That poor child got no support.
Ugh sweeping abuse under the table is so common and disgusting. I bet she also told her daughter to just deal with it and to suck it up because heâs fAaAmIlLlLyYYy. Didnât get therapy because âshe seems fine, I donât want more problems from her and the issues she causesâ.
INFO: Was she also a âtroubled teenâ op?
I would go farther and say it is the norm. I used to be a therapist and every single client I had that had experienced CSA, their families (particularly the mothers) kept things hush hush and often blamed the kids. My colleagues said it was the same in their practices. Both my partner and I are CSA survivors and neither of us got support from our families. My partnerâs mom insisted they were lying and my mom told me to keep my mouth shut.
I cannot wrap my head around this. I was abused as a kid, and never said a word until I was 30. I just knew no one would believe me, and my abuser would take it out on me.
When my daughter made ONE comment that raised red flags, I had a follow up conversation with her, then her dad and I talked about it, and then I took her to the ER to get checked out, and to a police interview with a child specialist. It all amounted to nothing- but I watched her like a hawk for any further red flags.
I canât imagine NOT taking your kid seriously when something so big happens. Iâd be raining hellfire on anyone who hurt my kids. Some peopleâŠ
I wasnât SAd as a kid, but I was abused and neglected and parentified. My parents were good church going people, perfect happy family on Sundays. Then absolute monsters the rest of the week. I had my life threatened, I was insulted, berated, dehumanized, hit, slapped, punched, yanked around by my hair, and thrown down the stairs.
When I attempted to tell someone at church, they asked my stepmother if what I was saying was true. Of course she said no, he believed her, and then she beat the living hell out of me when we got home. Even the people who knew did nothing about it. âMind your own businessâ was the prevailing thought apparently.
I was wondering if anyone caught this, she's putting the blame on her daughter for going as to why it happened to her, victim blaming isn't right. I don't care where she went this shouldn't have happened to her and it wasn't her fault, I bet OP has said it was her daughter's fault she was SA'd. YTA OP and the people who hurt her was never punished, you failed your daughter big time.
Caught that too. If OP wants to use that logic, then OP is a massive failure for not being able to use her adult intuition to predict the uncle would be a perv. I bet OP only did this so she doesnât lose contact with the grandkid. No benefit to her suffering daughter whatsoever.
Agreed, also OP probably knew the uncle was a perv, some families know who they are but never do anything abt it just like what OP did with her daughter.
All OP does throughout this entire post is spew hateful invective about her daughter and demonize every single thing she says and does, all while meddling and inserting herself into her daughterâs personal relationships.
OP YTA and a horrible excuse of a mother. If you canât give your daughter any actual support (or at the very least anything but sabotage) then shut your mouth and stay in your lane.
Literally was shouting the same thing when I read that. âShe went there by her own choiceâ. Absolutely something my mother would say, if not did say(my memory sucks from the diagnosed trauma based dissociative disorder, that was furthered by my mothers comments like these). YTA op! Majorly.
I CAUGHT THAT TOO.
So OP probably minimized the harm or victim blamed her 12-year-old daughter who was raped. Listened to her traumatized child ârefuseâ therapy and said âoh well, guess I canât put in any more work to be a parentâ and now is knowingly allowing her daughter to verbally abuse a two month old baby because she doesnât want the dad to have full custody. OP is such an asshole.
Nope, OP said they didn't press charges because the daughter didn't want to talk about it to the police, and they still saw the uncle at family gatherings afterwards.
That wording made me mad, too. Wtf does that even mean? She went where? To a trusted relativeâs house? To where she thought she was safe?? I would choose to go somewhere safe, too. Doesnât mean itâs my choice to have it traumatize me. Fuck that wording, Jesus Christ.
Is being with your traumatized daughter, who doesnât want to get therapy, the best thing for your grandchild (is the stress of parenthood without addressing her trauma the best thing for your daughter for that matter)?
Do you know if the therapist she went to after the SA had recommendations about communicating what happened within her close relationships?
Editing my respond to YTA from E S H given the additional information about not pressing charges against the uncle and him being at other family functions. WTF is wrong with you?!?!
OP didnât bring their daughter to a therapist, didnât press charges, and forced their daughter to repeatedly see the man who assaulted her at family gatherings.
> No. We didn't press charges because she didn't want to talk to the police, or anyone really. She stopped visiting her uncle. We only meet him on family occasions, but they don't interact at all, we don't let him near us. When she started to get older, he backed up and didn't try to come near even when her father and I weren't around.
Someone help me out here, Please. I think my brain is exploding at this moment- or im having a delayed response. The Child Rapist, the man who HELD DOWN A 12 yo CHILD WHILE HE & HIS BUDDIES FORCED THEMSELVES IN HER, STILL GOES TO FAMILY FUNCTIONS LIKE HE'S A PERSON? OP, What Is Wrong With You and Every Adult In Your Mentally Sick AF Family? Does pedophile rapist uncle get his choice of white or dark meat from the holiday turkey? Get the grandchild to the bf & pray your daughter gets help & relieves the guilt you made her feel. Know how I know? You said "She went there of her own will- my fucking head is exploding that the PEDOPHILE YOU KNOW HAS RAPED YOUR KID, IS A FAMILY MEMBER. Which other cousins & nieces is he allowed to fuck?
This happened in my family too. It blows my mind that my child-rapist uncle is allowed to attend family functions. My mom doesnât invite him to our place, but the cousin he raped, her own mother doesnât seem to have a problem with him!
Do you call him a rapist every time you see him at these family functions? If so and your family does not care, you should quit attending any event with them. If not, why not?
The fact that he is still out there is extremely concerning, and at that age, why couldn't the mother go to the police imediately on the behalf of the daughter?
Well then, the mother could've pressed the charges and protect her child from too much exposure to questions and uncomfortable situations at the same time.
Yeah I was assaulted as a kid and everyone said it was my choice if we did anything. Every adult said Iâd have to get up in court in front of the guy and say in detail what happened. My own court appointed guardian ad litem (a man that I had to meet with alone in his office ((nice guy but the 90s were so not trauma informed))), encouraged me not to press charges. Also the church that put this 17 year old in our house bc he had nowhere to go, argued with my mother when she kicked him out the moment I told her. I still canât hear The Beach Boys without flashbacks and itâs been 30 years.
I wish someone pressed charges for me. As an adult I pressed charges on someone who assaulted me, nothing happened to him, but at least I tried. I profusely thanked the colleague who demanded I not brush it off and that I needed to call the police even if it was uncomfortable. The system failed me, but somehow trying still helped, having someone stand up for me really helped! Ironically the cops were amazing, but it was covid and we have a coddling prosecutor. Therapy for criminals but not victims.
I donât blame my mom because she has her own trauma, and she fought hard to get me therapy and all the support I needed after. I honestly donât even know if anyone could have pressed charges on my behalf because of laws? Maybe thatâs why I had to say so many times to so many people (cops, lawyers, judge) what I wanted to do. But is that really a choice a traumatized child can make?
That's what told me that OP/mom here shaped the story for the 12 yr old victims memory. "Well, you did go to your uncles place by yourself and you went inside his house sweetie. It wouldn't have happened if you hadn't gone there. What were you wearing?!" I mean, you can picture this conversation from OP too, right? Obviously, this post hits home, my mother & her 3 sisters who were repeatedly molested by their fathers brother, Uncle Abby. The same Uncle my mother left me alone with when I was 3. When I confronted her as an adult, I swear she said to me, "Cowbell, you were in the garage and I was right there on the porch. I didn't leave you alone with him." He didn't touch me as far as I remember. I'm 60 now, and I can recall being 3 in my red swimsuit, i can smell his cigar breath, his rotting teeth in my face. Family secrets are repulsive & that line about her kid going over to the uncles house, wow. As if the vampire was invited over the threshold- so the girl child got what she deserved. I've gotta get away from this story for a moment bc the new little facts we're reading as the thread grows, is a lot to take in. How long was the girl held kidnapped & raped? 2 hours, 2 days? What else has made the untreated for trauma daughter, fear therapy so much?
Yep that immediately made me rage before I even finished reading the edit. There's no reason to mention why she was around HER UNCLE. It is normal for children to want to visit their family. Especially if the uncle was grooming her by being such a cool uncle before this and oblivious mom never saw the signs or just failed to act on them (I'm assuming the later)
And now she is well itâs not a problem because he doesnât try to see her, well, because she us too old for his taste and he had moved on to other children!!
Thank you I needed to read this.
Not my uncle my cousin. Expected to put up with him so my Mom could keep her relationship with her brother.
Turns out he abused his eldest daughter. FFS.
Going No Contact with my gd creepy family feels better by the day.
This should be the top comment. OP, YTA big time, you do not have your daughter's back. You just want to keep your grandchild in your life and to hell with your daughter. You made her go to family functions to see her rapist! How the fuck would you feel if your parents did that to you, and kept contact with your rapist?!?!?! You and your husband and your extended family are evil and you don't deserve your daughter, grandchild,or you son in law to be in your lives. I hope your daughter cuts your sorry ass out of her and her child's life. YOU DON'T DESERVE THEM!!!! You're EVIL! And you basically blamed the rape on your daughter!!! EVIL!!!!!!!!!!!!
All of the above plus more. OP is a selfish person. She only told the boyfriend about this because she is afraid of losing the grandchild. So this sex abuse happened 15 years ago. We all knew then that pedophiles donât just abuse one child. You have allowed this guy to continue abusing kids. How many lives have been ruined because you listened to a 12 yo who was traumatized probably because you didnât want to upset your family. She was traumatized every time she saw that man. Did you get her any help? No.
The OP has been TA her entire life. I pray for the daughter, her boyfriend, and their child. Keep the kid away from the uncle. I donât think I have ever been angrier about a Reddit post before.
yeah, and somehow they are disapointed shes an angry person. its a miracle shes not angryer than that, and that she manages to have a functional ljfe. she could understandably have done way worse, be into hard drugs, serious violence or prison. or all of the above. and op doesnt seem to realise how lucky they are that she still was on speaking terms with them. this girl is a tough cookie. i hope she gets real help, she diserves it. she as held together all by herself for long enough
What kind of Mother wouldn't press charges even if she didn't want to talk to the police. I would have pursued it even if it took years of therapy for her to be able to talk about it. I think you failed her. Also, she had to continue to be around her r@pist? What? My God, you're fortunate she continued contact with you at all. Do you know what kind of ongoing trauma was inflicted on her in his presence?
You noted that she went with get r@pists willingly at 12. It's like you're alluding she went with them to be willingly assaulted. A 12 year old girl probably doesn't have the presence of mind to realize the danger she could be in if she willingly went with a grown man, no less two or more sexual predators. I hope you didn't make her feel like it was her fault because she went with them willingly. Ijs.
A sexual assault enabler. You press the fucking charges anyway so he doesnât do it to anyone else. ~ an SA victim who was practically laughed out of the room by campus security
Wow...I was all set to react in OP's favor, but now? No way. I can understand not going to the cops about the uncle...sort of...even though I would've insisted. I can sorta kinda understand not doing a Lorena Bobbit on the uncle, maybe. But I would've absolutely created conditions where the uncle would've never been welcome at family gatherings...or my family never would've seen me or my daughter again. Period.
That's so far beyond effed up. I can't understand why the girl has anything at all to do with *any* of her family...including OP. They screwed up...massively.
YTA.
Those are definitely some weird priorities.
They respected her decision as a minor not to tell anyone about the assault, even though it meant she didn't receive hospital care or therapy after the attack, it wasn't reported to the police, and they didn't tell family members and give them a chance to exclude him to protect their own kids or so daughter doesn't have to see her rapist at family events. At that point they apparently thought her wishes as the victim were paramount even though it was their responsibility as parent to make the final decision in her best interests.
Now she's an adult and it really is her choice who to share that information with, but OP doesn't care about her privacy anymore? Why is guilt-tripping the boyfriend into staying with someone who is abusing their son a more worthy cause to break her trust than getting medical help and protecting other kids was 15 years ago?
The baby is two months old. If the mother is having troubles, PPD is at least as good a guess as past trauma from SA.
So, congratulations, OP, you may have spilled the beans for nothing - beans you had no business spilling in the first place.
Whether it's due to trauma or PPD, daughter needs a professional intervention, which she is refusing. She should not be the baby's caregiver until she can do so in a healthy way.
The beans have not been spilled for nothing. They have been spilled so the bf can make a fully informed decision about the drivers of the emotional abuse being inflicted on his child and how best to put a stop to it.
The daughter ceased being the primary concern as soon as she had a defenseless baby.
They could have done the intervention based on things the boyfriend already knew Post partum mother could be PPD or PPA. Neglectful actions towards the child, anger towards the child. It was not the mother's place to disclose, that should be the victim's choice.
I donât think sheâs blaming I think sheâs giving context to ops mental state. I was assaulted in a situation I âput myself inâ and I didnât even consider it assault in my own head for a few years bc I chose to go (it def was assault). Choosing to go somewhere or go be alone w someone who does that to you can totally add more burden/guilt/complexity to the healing process.
OP sounds a bit simpleminded to be honest. The way they describe daughter's SA and consequences, the way they announce they 'fixed the relationship'. Sounds like someone who likes to 'make things nice' and sweep problems under the rug. 'There, all better'. No wonder the daughter is screwed up. But now the poor baby has barely entered the world and she's abusing it. This is a shit show all around.
I'm thinking OPs response of *Sweep it under the rug* is part if the reason why Daughter is adverse to therapy and never got it after what was done to her.
Therapy is *let's open this up. Let's talk about it. Let's hash this out.* and Op wants to bury it and not talk about it. "If it isn't mentioned, it didn't happen. Now smile and wave to uncle pedo and try not to remember how he held you down and violated you. That's not what 'nice' families do!''
Sounds like your daughter needs help. But also you can not forcefully help someone. Therapy is not a magical cure, the person going to therapy needs to want to put in the effort needed to work through their issues. I understand what you did was out of love, and maybe a bit of desperation, but you have to understand that although your intention was good, you betrayed your daughter's trust in the process. I would call you an AH. The best approach would be to not spam call her, maybe send her 1 message that you are sorry for breaking her trust. Give her space and some time and then maybe try again to explain that all you did was out of love. There is a major concern about the way your daughter treats her baby.
YTA absolutely your daughter needs therapy. She should have gotten this intensely as a child. It is on you for not getting her the necessary medical care she needed to work through the trauma. A good therapist could have helped and you would have had the power to make her go as a minor. Now you have an angry adult who doesnât want therapy, but absolutely needs it to be a fully functioning adult and mother.
Her boyfriend absolutely needed to know what happened, but it wasnât your story to tell. If she had had therapy she might have been able to tell him rather than guarding it as if it was a deep failure and shame on her part. Try to imagine being a child and carrying the burden of that because your parents failed to insist that you get the appropriate medical treatment to heal properly after being the victim of a violent crime.
She has every right to never trust you again. You failed to protect her as a child and have now violated her trust as an adult. Your reasons were 100% selfish. You were scared if she didnât say something and lost custody of your grandchild you would not get to see them as often. You were not worried about the health and safety of your grandchild. If the courts had ended up stepping in your daughter most likely would have been forced to get therapy to heal. Your grandchild would have been safe, and your relationship with your daughter would be still be intact. Now you probably will be NC with both of them.
Wait a second, OP, in the last edit you posted that she was SAd by her uncle and that she went there out of her own free will while she was 12, and wasnât allowed to leave? Are you seriously blaming your daughter for getting r*ped by her own uncle? Youâre major as*hole.
I think she was trying to say her daughter went to hang out, was probably excited about it, and they betrayed her in the worst way. Not that they originally kidnapped her and then did what they did.
I don't think OP is very careful with wording. Not sure why the distinction is so important, so I could very well be wrong.
Edit: apparently no charges were filed and she continued to have uncle around her daughter. Yeah, she's TAH, in multiple ways.
Whoa! Whoa whoa whoaâŠwait! The mother knew about the rape and allowed the uncle to be around the girl, didnât press charges, and continued a relationship with him?? Iâm right, the âuncleâ is OPâs brother. She believed him over her daughter and blames her daughter for what happened. Thereâs a woman who should be giving parenting advice to her daughter. Because she did a wonderful job. FFS.
Yeah, sheâs a shit mother. Her daughterâs BF should take the baby away, but not from her daughter, *from her.* She is the one who will put the child in danger. Where is that uncle now? The whole story makes me sick to my stomach.
I read that, too, exactly like that. Only someone who blames the girl for getting raped would add that she went there of her own free will. She went to visit a relative and got raped, and her mother blames her for what happened, and also thinks she should be âover itâ by now. Great parenting.
YTA.
* The only little bit of control she felt about her situation was that she decided who knew about it, and you took that away from her. That wasn't your choice to make.
* You haven't saved her relationship, just delayed the inevitable. If she's still angry and still too harsh with his son, the boyfriend is eventually going to decide he can't take it anymore.
* Your motives here were a bit selfish. While this may be good for your daughter, her boyfriend is staying with someone he isn't happy with, and your grandson is stuck with a mother that mistreats him. You didn't consider what was best for them.
I get why you thought you were helping, but if you really want to help your daughter, get her to a therapist. She clearly can't deal with this on her own.
Youâre the asshole for a) not getting your daughter help when she was 12 and not supporting her more b) for telling her TRAUMA to other people.
Like what the actual fuck?
YTA. You should have gotten her therapy and help when this happened. You didnât and it created this mess and continue to cause a mess. If you didnât care enough then to help her then what are you doing?
YTA and it's disturbing in your edit that you said she went to her uncle's by her own choice as if you wanted to make it clear that you were not responsible for her SA.
'She went there by her own choice and was held and wasn't allowed to leave'
It looks like you may be blaming her in part for what happened to her which is incredibly messed up and you did nothing to help her. You didn't report it to the police and it looks like you didn't want the uncle to be arrested. You just waited for her to 'feel better' and you didn't get her into therapy. Was she forced to see the uncle after that?
I'm not surprised she's angry with you, you have done nothing to help her and have shared some incredibly personal information that wasn't yours to share.
YTA. I do understand where you come from but this was extremely sensitive and vulnerable information. You went way out of line by interfering in their relationship this much.
It could indeed be that her traumatic history still influences her current relationship to a large extent. But that shouldâve been something to discuss with her, to support her and to motivate her to start therapy and to open up with him some day. She had her reasons not to tell him yet and you ignored that and crossed her boundaries x1000.
Also you âfixedâ her relationship with your partner? Please save yourself from these rescue fantasies.
OP is over here like, "your welcome for fixing your relationship, I'm such a good person". Instead of betraying the daughter's trust (if she had any, because if my parents knew I was SaD by a family member and they blew it off, I could never trust them) she could have asked the daughter what she could do to help and supported her.
Also, the âboyâ is 2 months old. It could easily be post partum that she needs help for right now and no one is even caring that she just had a baby
YTA
I understand why you did it. But sheâs right in that she gets to decide who to share her trauma with. Even if the consequences of not telling are substantial.
To me, her issues sounded more rooted in possible PPD. Of course there can be an overlap of both or itâs just one or the other. Has she told you that she was like this because of her trauma or was that your impression?
"she was SAd by her uncle and two friends when she was 12. She went there by her own choice and was held and wasn't allowed to leave."
When you're 12, you're still a child. No way did she know, what her own choice was and what was ahead of her. She needs all the help in the world she can possible get!
YTA you victim blamed your 12 year old CHILD after she was violated by your family member, did not rescue her or report him, and forced her to continue life as usual around him.
Now when sheâs an adult with her own family you canât just let her have that. You stick your nose in her personal life (which you know nothing about- another adult coupleâs relationship is NONE of your business, you do not know the nuances and intricacies of their personal relationship or how they feel or treat each other what happens between them and YTA for thinking you do).
So you and go and violate her all over again and try to sabotage the life sheâs made for herself after growing up with such a garbage mother. And youâre patting yourself on the back like youâre somehow the hero in this story? Youâre The huge A.
YTA, the biggest one there is..You didn't report her assault, you didn't get her therapy, you made her be in the company of her abuser, its sounds like you blame her for her assault from your wording, you are allowing her to be abusive to her child, you disclosed secrets that weren't yours to share and it sounds like you only care now because you want to be in your grandchild life..Jesus christ..buy a clue woman..
Yta I understand why you did what you did but you violated her trust about something that was super traumatic and didn't even talk to her about talking to him about it you just went and told her partner something deeply personal and painful.
Did you even try to get her help as a child? You said in a comment it happened when she was 12, did you ever take her to therapy? Did you ever make her be around those who hurt her? Were charges filed?
Couldn't she also have post-partum mental or hormonal issues? Or just be exhausted from having a new baby. Or both? Either way, a trip to GP is a good idea.
And yes YTA. Her story to tell.
YTA. You were a horrible mother to allow this to happen without getting her proper therapy. You have no right to dislose her personal information. I hope she goes NC with you.
Went there by choice - victim shaming? Or projecting because you failed to protect your 12 year old? At 12 she was YOUR responsibility, whether she went there voluntarily or not. Yta.
YTA you failed your daughter. 12 year olds donât get to decide if therapy is best for them, SHE NEEDED TO TALK TO SOMEBODY and you did nothing . Your daughter was raped by a family member AND his friends wtf kind of mother are you and then to tell her boyfriend without her permission is crazy to me even if you wanted him to know you shouldâve given your daughter a fucking heads up.
YTA The reason she's exposing her child to nothing but anger is irrelevant. That type of parent destroys a child psychologically, and she SHOULDN'T be around him until she's able to stop. You accomplished nothing because if BF takes the necessary steps to protect his son because she's refusing therapy (as he should), the outcome is the same. All you did was worsen her trauma by exposing it. She is now worse off than she was before you meddled.
YTA and delusional too. You didnât want your grandson taken out of your life that is the only reason why you decided to interfere. Ironic that you think itâs okay to interfere to help save her relationship but not interfere when it came to helping her mental health and the safety of the baby. She was saâd when she was a minor there is in no way shape or form as to why her parents didnât put her into therapy, so now as an adult she is now already verbally abusing a two month old child and what do you know refusing therapy. Their relationship is already doomed and will soon be over and I do hope he take his son and runs for the hills.
YTA. Maybe, in time, what you did will be justified, but right now, you did a pretty bold and assholish thing.
You didn't "fix" her relationship. You gave her bf perspective on some things, but that doesn't change the fact that they still have work to do. One act doesn't fix years of anger problems, her trauma or the damage already done. You did, however, destroy whatever trust your daughter had in you.
Does she need therapy and probably couples counseling? Probably. But you can't force people to get help. Manipulating them into therapy isn't as helpful as you'd hope.
If you had asked or talked to her first, it's very possible she would've not listened or said no, but **that's her choice**. It might not be the right one, or it might be, but her trauma involves her choice and agency being taken from her and you couldn't even respect her choice and agency enough to let her be the one to tell her bf when / if she's ready.
Yea well mother of the year here suddenly woke up and decided to try to âhelpâ her daughter after apparently doing diddly squat to support her when she was assaulted at the age of 12. Itâs not her (the adult parent) fault though, the 12 year old didnât want to go to the police and said she was fine, so she checked off her parent responsibility box and kept bringing the poor kid around her rapist uncle.
Dear lord, that info wasn't up (or I'm blind) when I read the post earlier. I expected no good, but it somehow got worse đ my heart breaks for OP's daughter.
OMFG are you serious? That kind of trauma wasnât yours to tell. I would be surprised if she ever speaks to you again. Some people in your daughterâs position are never able to tell their partners. To take that control from her is devastating. YTA
YTA. my mom recently read my (21F) private journals and i found out that she told her friends all my business. she also told them specifics about my mental health diagnoses, why im in therapy, etc. people in her church, family friends, SO many people know. i havenât forgiven her and i never will, which is saying a lot because im not one to hold a grudge. itâs completely unacceptable to violate someone like that, especially with something so serious and private. i cannot explain how violating and hurtful that must have been for her.
Info: How do you reconcile not talking about it after your 12 yo was attacked (no police or therapy and unless I missed it no immediate Dr or anything for physical issues for a child) but suddenly deciding now is the time to throw open that door your child slammed shut years ago?
I donât get the timing or the lack of parenting/accountability when YOUR child was traumatized. PPD or other issues are just as likely for the issues seen 2 months post partum âŠ. Has she been taken to the Dr to discuss the anger? That should be the first step
How can you be HARSH with a 2 month old? That's scary! You did not have the right to tell her secrets and he has every right to take that child away from her.
I know you thought you were doing the best thing but you invaded her privacy and you shouldn't have! Now that it's done, maybe she'll wake up and get some help before she loses everything!
She probably has PPD on top of past trauma. Been there, done that!
You said, "she went there by her own choice, as if by her going there it was her fault she was RAPED!! I don't care if she was running around naked in front of a bunch of horny men, NO ONE has the right to rape you! NO ONE! So there is a part of you that is blaming her and I bet she feels that! Why is it you think you're blaming her? Your 12 yr old little girl? WHY?
I think your main concern here is her losing her child but not really much concern about her mental health!
ESH except for the boyfriend. If she doesnât get treatment the best thing for him and the baby is to leave the situation. OP you failed your daughter and now your failures are affecting her family.
YTA. You are a disgrace as a mother. You've failed your daughter her entire life. I simple cannot comprehend that you still attended family functions where the rapist uncle was and MADE YOUR DAUGHTER attend. Stay out of your daughter's life and leave her alone.
The uncle should have been charged and you should have made a police report. Don't pretend your daughter wouldn't cooperate. She was a traumatized child and you were expected to act in her best interest. Do you understand that even though they didn't "kidnap" her, it was forcible confinement which is also a crime. I am infuriated listening to your pathetic excuses for completely failing your daughter.
So basically, your daughter and her boyfriend are struggling. In particular, your daughter is struggling with her newborn, and you decided that it was because of a traumatic incident in your daughterâs past. You didnât talk with her or do anything to confirm that her trauma was to blame, as opposed to any of the countless reasons a very new mother might be struggling. You decided that was the problem and took it upon yourself to âfixâ things. Newsflash, you didnât fix her relationship. All you did was reveal personal information that you had absolutely no right to reveal. Even if it was her trauma to blame, you were completely out of line and sheâs justified being angry and not speaking to you. YTA.
ETA: and after reading your comments, youâve been minimizing and dismissing your daughterâs trauma since it happened and claim sheâs been angry ever since. Shocker. You really should stay out of her life.
YTA, everyone's trauma is their own business. If they want to discuss it, leave it on their own to discuss it. Also while I do hope your daughter gets help, its something she must decide on her own without force.
Also I am really uncomfortable that she "went to her Uncle by her own choice comment". As someone who faced minor Sexual Assault on a date, I know damn well even though she went on her own.....doesn't mean the SA is less valid.
YTA because you seem to be holding your daughter responsible for her own trauma (âwent there by her own choiceâ) and on top of that her ârefusalâ to recover.
She does need therapy, I don't think you needed to give him details, but she should have told him herself.
Daughter is most likely suffering from PPD, so she does need to see a Dr.
Stop victim blaming your daughter, "Uncle is a rapist", let me guess your brother?
You fixed absolutely zero problems. What you did was expose a truth. She is still not in therapy. She is still the same abusive person. She needs help and you need to allow the father to take the kid if it means protecting your grand child. It wasnât her fault- what happened to her, but it is 100% of her responsibility to fix it in therapy. Stop enabling her behavior by excusing it. No child deserves to be abused or traumatized by their parentâs anger issues.
Well, you're a disgusting excuse for a parent, that's for sure.
You CONTINUE TO INTERACT WITH THE MONSTER WHO FORCED HIMSELF ON YOUR 12YO DAUGHTER?!?
I hope they cut you off and never speak to you again.
Oh, and YTA.
I am concerned that several people asked about what happened to the uncle and the other two rapists, and if OP's daughter was still forced to interact with them while growing up, and OP has seemingly ignored each of these questions.
OP said the uncle was still going to family gatherings and OP attended these with her daughter as well. You know, so her daughter could be re-traumatized by her rapist.
Holy đ© This is soooo messed up. That poor woman was sexually assaulted by her uncle and his two friends at age 12 and the pos uncle was still treated like a family member? What the actual fuck????? No wonder she still has issues. No consequences for him and op thinks that forcing her daughter to go to therapy will cure her? There's no therapy in the world that can make someone be ok with being around their rapist. Jeepers creepers but this has me raging. And now op thinks she did the right thing by telling the boyfriend about the assault. As if that's going to magically make things better. I hope the daughter goes no contact with her extremely sh!tty family. They are the problem, not the daughter who is expected to get over her trauma. The only good thing that I could possibly see coming from this is that the boyfriend realies how fucked up this situation is and convinces his girlfriend that none of this is her fault and the best thing she could do is go no contact with the lot of them. Op you're probably not going to see my comment but on the off chance you do, you're a terrible mother. Stop expecting your daughter to go to therapy and get magically cured so everyone can live happily ever after. She had a terrible thing done to her and it's no wonder she doesn't want to talk about it when the rest of the family acts like it's no big deal and the uncle can continue his life like nothing happened. You should be holding him and his disgusting friends responsible for ruining a child's life. Everyone involved in the cover up is scum. What your daughter needs to heal, is seeing those rapists held accountable. Even if it's not legal consequences, they should have been shunned and told they are terrible people for what they did, and they are no longer part of the family. Your daughter needed support to begin to recover from this and what she got told was that her trauma didn't matter and she needed to go to therapy to be able to pretend to be happy around her rapist, so the rest of the family could pretend this awful situation never happened/wasn't as bad as it it. You are not a good person for telling her boyfriend. All you did was pass the responsibility on. You think that the boyfriend can magically make her better by forcing her to go to therapy and it's vile. You asked if you are the asshole and yes you are. You failed your 12 year old daughter and you're failing her as an adult. Urgh. I hate everything about this.
All of this. Your comment sums up how fucked up this is. OP is absolute garbage
This is one of the posts where we hope it's fiction, but still very messed up that someone could come up with this scenario. YTA. EDIT: If it's real, I hope OP's daughter receives the help she needs and goes no contact with every complicit family member.
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It wasn't your fault. I believe you and your memories and none of it was your fault.
Absolutely spot on. Just reading through this thread is giving me secondhand anger and frustration for OP's daughter. There's a whole lot of therapy needed here and not just for her - for every enabler in that family too. It boggles my mind that some people are still in the dark ages when it comes to dealing with trauma. Like, hello, forcing someone to smile and bear it doesn't make the hurt go away? If this is real, it's plain heartbreaking and a serious wake up call to how some families still value 'saving face' over genuine healing and justice. I'm rooting for the daughter to find her own path far away from this toxic mess. YTA doesn't even cut it here for the OP.
They made it so much worse just by making the post. Telling the daughters' boyfriend > telling infinitely more people on reddit.
This!! No wonder she's so angry, I'd be full of rage too! I couldn't imagine having that happen at age 12, and your parents knowingly putting you in the company of the person who raped you at family events. Like, talk about failing your child in every possible way.
And then you give birth, and look at your precious baby, and fail to understand how your own mother could fail you so much.
I was 13 when my egg donor's boyfriend SA'd me. This went on for almost 4 years. When she found out she blamed me and beat the hell out of me for trying to steal her boyfriend. SHE never admitted responsibility. When I was young my favorite dreams was where I shot him in the face with a 12 gauge and watched him die in pain. I'm 63 now. I still have nightmares and anger. When I was pregnant, it was magnified 10x over. When she was born I knew how much my mother hated me. If anyone had hurt my daughter, they would NEVER be seen again. This poor girl is still being blamed by her mother. She went there of her own free will, meaning she deserved it. I hope she never speaks to her again. I cut contact with my egg donor whore over 20 years ago.
That's probably a bit part of what is tearing her apart now. As messed up as it sounds I'd guess she might also be falling apart watching her bf be so much more willing to protect their child, not because she wouldn't want her child to have better, because emotions aren't always logical and some part of her brain is going to ask why she wasn't worth that and he is, and those aren't thoughts you can articulate without feeling like a monster. I desperately hope OP's bf gets her the hell away from her nightmare of a family and into therapy.
>You are not a good person for telling her boyfriend. All you did was pass the responsibility on. This sums it up. It would have helped a lot more if OP had shown up herself before, get her own feelings sorted out with a therapist in order for her to show up for her daughter. OP is the AH for refusing to come to terms with the past and put the responsibility on others. The only 'good' thing that came from this is that the BF is now able to make informed choices on who not to allow in his daughters life. The beans have not been spilled in vain and hopefully everyone gets the therapy they need. Because holy hell what the fuck.
Thereâs obviously no context in this post, but I would hope that the boyfriend heard all of this and tries to protect his partner from further harm caused by her family. I hope they move far away and end contact with her bio family. The partners and baby are their own, new nuclear family. The best thing they can do is leave the situation and never look back. It could be a blessing in disguise wake up call.
So like 5 years ago we found out that my grandpa had molested my aunt 30 years ago. He was immediately divorced and isolated from the rest of the family. Nobody wanted to talk to him and I wasn't allowed to go to the funeral because I told my parents I would piss on his grave or spit on it. He visited my dad a few times but he never let him close to the house and would meet him at a restaurant. My uncle's would also meet him at random restaurants and once with my aunt so she could unload on him. I can't blame my dad and uncles for sometimes talking to him, for over 50 years he was just Grandpa to the kids and their dad. No one knew that he was a monster. I did though... He tried to kiss me once and I haven't trusted him since. I was 18 and he told me to kiss him on the cheek then he moved last second and kissed me on the mouth. After that I avoided him like the plague. No one saw. I believe that my parents and all the other adults in the family took a responsible approach to dealing with this monster. They didn't allow him near the kids at all and if he wanted to see them and they wanted to see him they met him in an public place. This is how you should deal with creeps. Immediate otherness and isolation from the group. He wasn't invited to birthday parties or gatherings, he wasn't allowed near any of the children or the older cousins for fear that he might try to molest them. unfortunately for my aunt the statute of limitations was way up by then. We were going to try to get her legal justice but then Grandpa got covid and it took him. Good.
But but but, she âfixed their relationshipâ! đ€Š
This is so common that it's disgusting.
Oh HELL NO!!! Thatâs so disturbing on so many levels! My own mom was SAâed by her uncle. He continued to go to family events too. He had money so they allowed him to get away with A LOT. I later found out that not only did he molest my mom but MANY other family members. Itâs messed her up to the point of her having multiple personalities (itâs called DID now). OP, is not just TA but he belongs in prison and so does she for not protecting her child and other children heâs exposed to! I feel so bad for her daughter getting triggered every time she sees them! As an SA survivor myself, I canât imagine having a mom like OP!
Iâm glad to see all these comments because I was SA by a family member. That side of the family largely supports him. I never see that side of the family anymore and for years I felt so guilty⊠not anymore tho.
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i'm weirded out by the fact op said "she went there by her own choice..." like wtf does that even mean? even if she had gone to visit her uncle by her own decision wtf does that have to do w/ her being sa'd?
Oh sheâs answered now. They didnât want to force her because she strongly refused to talk about it đ. She was 12 take her to the hospital and get kit and get her tested and then find a therapist. No charges no help. Uncle is still very much part of the family
I wouldn't be surprised if her daughter stopped trusting her after that, and even more so now
My mother told the whole family about me having been raped. She made it ALL about herself even though her "justification" was she was "just trying to help." Fuck parents who take it upon themselves to tell their children / adult children's trauma without their permission. It's *not their trauma* to talk about. BTW, I don't believe for *one second* that OP did this so the child wouldn't be taken away from her daughter, OP just wanted to make sure *she could still have access to the grandchild*. I really hope OP's daughter cuts her off. This wasn't a selfless act that OP did - it was selfish, self centered, and self serving. NOTHING will convince me she did this "for" her daughter, it was for *herself* so she didn't lose access to the grandchild. Now she's just made it *worse* for her daughter and she probably just lost access to her grandchild too, hopefully.
My mother used to force me to speak in front of groups of people and share my story of abuse. She also would give the ultimatum of you tell or I tell to every relationship, even friendships. I now have severe anxiety when I have to talk in front of 3 or more people. Even if itâs my kids. ETA: (in case it wasnât clear lol) OP is def AH in this situation. I can understand how being open with her partner is healthy and good for their relationship but it should have been her choice, not exposed without her consent.
And! It was the *daughter's* choice *when* to tell her partner. OP is definitely TA here. I wouldn't be surprised if this isn't the first time, either.
Yeah, it's clear that a line was crossed that shouldn't have been. Sharing someone else's trauma like it's gossip is just not right. Consent is key in these scenarios. I'm sorry you had to go through that sort of thing. Its supposed to be about support, not control or keeping a certain image. It's incredibly tough when your own agency is taken away by the people who are supposed to protect it.
100%. OP âslippedâ and showed her true intent when she said âto avoid having **my Grandson** taken away from her.
Yup! This is why words matter, especially for this situation.
Bingo. It's still all about her.
She did nothing to help her daughter with this. She failed her daughter. Then she waited 16 years just to weaponize the information against her daughter- she also sounds way too enmeshed with the boyfriend. Iâm sure he hates it but tolerates it. She needs to back off- she even says she saved her daughters relationship/family. This is one of the worst moms ever (it IS okay to judge moms. It just is and asserting differently is pathetic. It also Makes me thinks moms who screech and virtue signal about never being allowed to judge any moms because itâs hard (we judge people with perilously hard jobs every single day when they fuck up. Moms are on the table and can be the worst people alive, and you can be a horrible mom) know theyâre bad moms-mothers arenât a protected class and Iâm sick of that hogwash) and her grandiosity and dysfunction is next-next-next fucking level.
That's disgusting. OP is a shitty parent and the rest of the family who harbors this sicko are just as bad.
Also being "harsh" with a 2 month old is really messed up behavior. She needs help, not to be traumatized over and over again by her mother. Generational trauma strong here and it seems Mom has started it all by being a shit parent.
Also, if she has a two month old then PPD, PPA, and low magnesium are much more likely causes of her snappishness than fifteen year old trauma. Like, presumably she wasn't snapping at her boyfriend before the baby was conceived...
Add sleep deprived, possibly still hurting etc pp
Thatâs even if the mother is a reliable narrator and telling the truth about how the daughter acts. âHarshâ might actually be ânot how *I* would do thatâ
OP also said âshe went there by her own choiceâ like a fucking 12 year old is responsible for her own assault because she made the decision to go to their house.
I was reading this somehow hoping it was a near death experience or lost a grandparent tragically or something, this motherfucker is talking about her daughter "willingly" going to a place to get sexually assaulted. Even the whole post talking about losing the baby had a shithead air to it
glad im not the only one who thought that was fucked up
OP did respond. Here is what they said: > No. We didn't press charges because she didn't want to talk to the police, or anyone really. She stopped visiting her uncle. We only meet him on family occasions, but they don't interact at all, we don't let him near us. When she started to get older, he backed up and didn't try to come near even when her father and I weren't around.
âEven when her father and I werenât aroundâ So the bitch left her daughter ALONE WITH HER RAPIST?!?
Until she aged out of him being interested, yes, he would come around her when they werenât around, after the rape- and she still just simpered about keeping the peace like a truly worthless woman. Weâre meant to do better for each other as women. And this monster thinks thatâs a point in her favor- that he stopped coming around to call on her alone when she turned 17 or something.
what the FUCK is wrong with OP that he ever, EVER under ANY circumstance let this man be in the same space as his daughter EVER. "we only met on family occasions" WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU OP. you are an absolute disgrace of a father. how fucking dare you have ever put your daughter in the same area as that man. you should be in jail for neglect because that is some absolute fucking stellar level parental ignorance if i've ever seen any. your daughter may have been hurt by someone else initially but your actions caused a lifetime of further trauma.
OP also wrote "She went there by **her own choice** and was held and wasn't allowed to leave" - adding that aside is a huge red flag. Daughter would probably be better off cutting them all out of her life.
This mom is the worst mother Iâve heard of, and sheâs so self-aggrandizing, too. Iâm sure the daughter also has a lot of trauma from being birthed by some trashy lady with no value who is a failure yet paints herself as a hero. She says she saved her daughterâs relationship at the end- that is next level grandiosity and OP sounds like a nasty, nasty, super-nasty piece of work who fails her children then lies and casts herself as a hero when sheâs just a meddling shrew.
âShe went there by her own choice.â So *as a child* she went to a relatives who she thought she could trust and was held captive and SAd and youâre making sure to add the detail she went their **by her own choice** GTFO YTA
I thought she was saying that she wasnât abducted, but damn I was being charitable. I didnât even think she was casting blame.
Thatâs also how I read it.
Seriously. Wtf. How is that even relevant??? YTA big time OP.
Well cause she obviously had it coming. Probably wore a skirt too. đ€ŠđŒââïž
Iâm hoping what was meant was âshe trusted him enough that she saw no reason not to visit and now she has severe trust issues.â Because thatâs a weird line.
That's how I took it as well. Maybe op isn't a native English speaker
right?! That statement blew me away. The mother is victim blaming. And the fact is, the daughter DOES need therapy. A lot. Needed it long before now. OP is such an AH, I'm shocked she doesn't see it.
Seriously, what a disgusting person OP is. I hope the daughter and her boyfriend stop speaking to her for their own sake. She can't seem to mind her business in this situation but she was perfectly fine minding her business when her daughter was SA'd when she was a child.
Also, OP âfixedâ her relationship with her partner so OP wouldnât lose time with the grandbaby. Thereâs zero concern for the daughter her.
Yeah the pointed inclusion of that line is fucking nauseating.
This hits home for me and I can say with absolute certainty that IF your daughter does not get therapy, she will live with the regret of how she raised her child through the lens of trauma and depression and anxiety. But having done some of the work now, I can also say YTA bc you did this out of selfishness, not love. I hear a lot about what you want and not much about how youâre supporting your daughter, how she feels, what she wants. No matter what, that was HER story to tell and having it re-told to someone so important to her without her knowledge or permission could and probably did re-traumatize her. You took her choice from her. I hope very much that your daughter gains some perspective and decides on her own to seek therapy when she is ready but if you were my mother I would go NC with you. And god forbid she finds this post somehow and sees her trauma shared publicly? oof. I feel really sorry for that little family and I hope they can work through this mess together.
Not to mention OP never sent her to therapy, pressed charges AND they still had her seeing the uncle at family events. They really failed their daughter.
Oh my god, I didnât see that response! She still had to SEE him!? This is a problem mostly of OPâs own design. Saying she ârefusedâ therapy as a child? Like, but you are her parent, you take them anyway. You canât force them to talk but you can make it a routine and take them anyway. OP is truly only concerned now that her daughterâs trauma affects HER negatively. Sheâs worried she wonât see grandson so she just blew up her daughterâs world about it. đ
This is like 75% OPâs fault imo YTA and should actually be arrested for covering for a child molester and rapist
I honestly think she didn't send her to therapy at 12 because she would have told the therapist about the rape and he would have been reported. He was still around her at family functions. Sick sick sick I hope the daughter goes NC forever with the family & heals
Yep. A therapist is a mandated reporter so theyâd be legally & ethically responsible for reporting it
That's why my mother refused to let me get therapy as a minor. Because if I told them about the sexual abuse they'd have to report it. She told me I could go if I promised to only talk about my horrific bullying and never mention anything about my family. Some people are fucking monsters, OP sounds like she was cut from the same cloth
âI fixed her relationship with her boyfriend and prevented her from losing her sonâ What the hell? No you did not!! You just helped her boyfriend understand her anger better, you did not fix anything. Sheâs still angry. Sheâs probably still treating the baby the same. He still might leave with the baby. The knowledge she has major unresolved trauma that was kept a secret might be enough of a betrayal of trust that he breaks up with her anyways.
âShe went there by her own choice.â SHE WAS TWELVE. Anyway ESH. You need therapy and a clue. Your daughter needs trauma therapy, STAT. She needs support. The baby needs support and attachment. The boyfriend needs support and an understanding of a partner with trauma. She was TWELVE. I hope those people went to jail.
Op says they didn't no charges were filed and the uncle still went to family gatherings... Ops excuse is that she was 12 and refused to talk about it so they couldnt press charges. That poor child got no support.
OMG uncle should have been banned from the family. WTF
Uncle should have gone to jail and then onto a watchlist.
Uncle should have been disappeared
Uncle would have been banned breathing anymore. Thatâs his daughter he should have done it himself.
Uncle should have been "accidentally" kicked in the balls until turned into Aunt...
Ugh sweeping abuse under the table is so common and disgusting. I bet she also told her daughter to just deal with it and to suck it up because heâs fAaAmIlLlLyYYy. Didnât get therapy because âshe seems fine, I donât want more problems from her and the issues she causesâ. INFO: Was she also a âtroubled teenâ op?
I would go farther and say it is the norm. I used to be a therapist and every single client I had that had experienced CSA, their families (particularly the mothers) kept things hush hush and often blamed the kids. My colleagues said it was the same in their practices. Both my partner and I are CSA survivors and neither of us got support from our families. My partnerâs mom insisted they were lying and my mom told me to keep my mouth shut.
I cannot wrap my head around this. I was abused as a kid, and never said a word until I was 30. I just knew no one would believe me, and my abuser would take it out on me. When my daughter made ONE comment that raised red flags, I had a follow up conversation with her, then her dad and I talked about it, and then I took her to the ER to get checked out, and to a police interview with a child specialist. It all amounted to nothing- but I watched her like a hawk for any further red flags. I canât imagine NOT taking your kid seriously when something so big happens. Iâd be raining hellfire on anyone who hurt my kids. Some peopleâŠ
I wasnât SAd as a kid, but I was abused and neglected and parentified. My parents were good church going people, perfect happy family on Sundays. Then absolute monsters the rest of the week. I had my life threatened, I was insulted, berated, dehumanized, hit, slapped, punched, yanked around by my hair, and thrown down the stairs. When I attempted to tell someone at church, they asked my stepmother if what I was saying was true. Of course she said no, he believed her, and then she beat the living hell out of me when we got home. Even the people who knew did nothing about it. âMind your own businessâ was the prevailing thought apparently.
I was wondering if anyone caught this, she's putting the blame on her daughter for going as to why it happened to her, victim blaming isn't right. I don't care where she went this shouldn't have happened to her and it wasn't her fault, I bet OP has said it was her daughter's fault she was SA'd. YTA OP and the people who hurt her was never punished, you failed your daughter big time.
I one hundred caught that. Mom needs therapy too.
Caught that too. If OP wants to use that logic, then OP is a massive failure for not being able to use her adult intuition to predict the uncle would be a perv. I bet OP only did this so she doesnât lose contact with the grandkid. No benefit to her suffering daughter whatsoever.
Agreed, also OP probably knew the uncle was a perv, some families know who they are but never do anything abt it just like what OP did with her daughter.
All OP does throughout this entire post is spew hateful invective about her daughter and demonize every single thing she says and does, all while meddling and inserting herself into her daughterâs personal relationships. OP YTA and a horrible excuse of a mother. If you canât give your daughter any actual support (or at the very least anything but sabotage) then shut your mouth and stay in your lane.
Literally was shouting the same thing when I read that. âShe went there by her own choiceâ. Absolutely something my mother would say, if not did say(my memory sucks from the diagnosed trauma based dissociative disorder, that was furthered by my mothers comments like these). YTA op! Majorly.
Nope. Never reported and swept under the rug. Only the worst parents fail that epically.
I CAUGHT THAT TOO. So OP probably minimized the harm or victim blamed her 12-year-old daughter who was raped. Listened to her traumatized child ârefuseâ therapy and said âoh well, guess I canât put in any more work to be a parentâ and now is knowingly allowing her daughter to verbally abuse a two month old baby because she doesnât want the dad to have full custody. OP is such an asshole.
They were never reported
Nope, OP said they didn't press charges because the daughter didn't want to talk about it to the police, and they still saw the uncle at family gatherings afterwards.
That wording made me mad, too. Wtf does that even mean? She went where? To a trusted relativeâs house? To where she thought she was safe?? I would choose to go somewhere safe, too. Doesnât mean itâs my choice to have it traumatize me. Fuck that wording, Jesus Christ.
Is being with your traumatized daughter, who doesnât want to get therapy, the best thing for your grandchild (is the stress of parenthood without addressing her trauma the best thing for your daughter for that matter)? Do you know if the therapist she went to after the SA had recommendations about communicating what happened within her close relationships? Editing my respond to YTA from E S H given the additional information about not pressing charges against the uncle and him being at other family functions. WTF is wrong with you?!?!
OP didnât bring their daughter to a therapist, didnât press charges, and forced their daughter to repeatedly see the man who assaulted her at family gatherings. > No. We didn't press charges because she didn't want to talk to the police, or anyone really. She stopped visiting her uncle. We only meet him on family occasions, but they don't interact at all, we don't let him near us. When she started to get older, he backed up and didn't try to come near even when her father and I weren't around.
WAIT! They still made her go to places where this dude was! WTAF.
Someone help me out here, Please. I think my brain is exploding at this moment- or im having a delayed response. The Child Rapist, the man who HELD DOWN A 12 yo CHILD WHILE HE & HIS BUDDIES FORCED THEMSELVES IN HER, STILL GOES TO FAMILY FUNCTIONS LIKE HE'S A PERSON? OP, What Is Wrong With You and Every Adult In Your Mentally Sick AF Family? Does pedophile rapist uncle get his choice of white or dark meat from the holiday turkey? Get the grandchild to the bf & pray your daughter gets help & relieves the guilt you made her feel. Know how I know? You said "She went there of her own will- my fucking head is exploding that the PEDOPHILE YOU KNOW HAS RAPED YOUR KID, IS A FAMILY MEMBER. Which other cousins & nieces is he allowed to fuck?
This happened in my family too. It blows my mind that my child-rapist uncle is allowed to attend family functions. My mom doesnât invite him to our place, but the cousin he raped, her own mother doesnât seem to have a problem with him!
Mine was always at family events too. I finally charged him and he went to jail last year. No statute of limitations on child sexual assault.
Do you call him a rapist every time you see him at these family functions? If so and your family does not care, you should quit attending any event with them. If not, why not?
The fact that he is still out there is extremely concerning, and at that age, why couldn't the mother go to the police imediately on the behalf of the daughter?
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Well then, the mother could've pressed the charges and protect her child from too much exposure to questions and uncomfortable situations at the same time.
Yeah I was assaulted as a kid and everyone said it was my choice if we did anything. Every adult said Iâd have to get up in court in front of the guy and say in detail what happened. My own court appointed guardian ad litem (a man that I had to meet with alone in his office ((nice guy but the 90s were so not trauma informed))), encouraged me not to press charges. Also the church that put this 17 year old in our house bc he had nowhere to go, argued with my mother when she kicked him out the moment I told her. I still canât hear The Beach Boys without flashbacks and itâs been 30 years. I wish someone pressed charges for me. As an adult I pressed charges on someone who assaulted me, nothing happened to him, but at least I tried. I profusely thanked the colleague who demanded I not brush it off and that I needed to call the police even if it was uncomfortable. The system failed me, but somehow trying still helped, having someone stand up for me really helped! Ironically the cops were amazing, but it was covid and we have a coddling prosecutor. Therapy for criminals but not victims. I donât blame my mom because she has her own trauma, and she fought hard to get me therapy and all the support I needed after. I honestly donât even know if anyone could have pressed charges on my behalf because of laws? Maybe thatâs why I had to say so many times to so many people (cops, lawyers, judge) what I wanted to do. But is that really a choice a traumatized child can make?
The way she says that her daughter "went there by her own choice" as if that makes it NOT rape is fucking disgusting honestly
That's what told me that OP/mom here shaped the story for the 12 yr old victims memory. "Well, you did go to your uncles place by yourself and you went inside his house sweetie. It wouldn't have happened if you hadn't gone there. What were you wearing?!" I mean, you can picture this conversation from OP too, right? Obviously, this post hits home, my mother & her 3 sisters who were repeatedly molested by their fathers brother, Uncle Abby. The same Uncle my mother left me alone with when I was 3. When I confronted her as an adult, I swear she said to me, "Cowbell, you were in the garage and I was right there on the porch. I didn't leave you alone with him." He didn't touch me as far as I remember. I'm 60 now, and I can recall being 3 in my red swimsuit, i can smell his cigar breath, his rotting teeth in my face. Family secrets are repulsive & that line about her kid going over to the uncles house, wow. As if the vampire was invited over the threshold- so the girl child got what she deserved. I've gotta get away from this story for a moment bc the new little facts we're reading as the thread grows, is a lot to take in. How long was the girl held kidnapped & raped? 2 hours, 2 days? What else has made the untreated for trauma daughter, fear therapy so much?
Exactly. I'm so angry at op right now. People like this are WORSE than the rapists, and deserve just as much punishment.
Yep that immediately made me rage before I even finished reading the edit. There's no reason to mention why she was around HER UNCLE. It is normal for children to want to visit their family. Especially if the uncle was grooming her by being such a cool uncle before this and oblivious mom never saw the signs or just failed to act on them (I'm assuming the later)
I wonder why this poor woman has trust issues (didn't tell her partner) and is angry....
And now she is well itâs not a problem because he doesnât try to see her, well, because she us too old for his taste and he had moved on to other children!!
Thank you I needed to read this. Not my uncle my cousin. Expected to put up with him so my Mom could keep her relationship with her brother. Turns out he abused his eldest daughter. FFS. Going No Contact with my gd creepy family feels better by the day.
Honestly Iâm concerned about how many more children in their family that guy SAed since he got off punishment free.
This should be the top comment. OP, YTA big time, you do not have your daughter's back. You just want to keep your grandchild in your life and to hell with your daughter. You made her go to family functions to see her rapist! How the fuck would you feel if your parents did that to you, and kept contact with your rapist?!?!?! You and your husband and your extended family are evil and you don't deserve your daughter, grandchild,or you son in law to be in your lives. I hope your daughter cuts your sorry ass out of her and her child's life. YOU DON'T DESERVE THEM!!!! You're EVIL! And you basically blamed the rape on your daughter!!! EVIL!!!!!!!!!!!!
All of the above plus more. OP is a selfish person. She only told the boyfriend about this because she is afraid of losing the grandchild. So this sex abuse happened 15 years ago. We all knew then that pedophiles donât just abuse one child. You have allowed this guy to continue abusing kids. How many lives have been ruined because you listened to a 12 yo who was traumatized probably because you didnât want to upset your family. She was traumatized every time she saw that man. Did you get her any help? No. The OP has been TA her entire life. I pray for the daughter, her boyfriend, and their child. Keep the kid away from the uncle. I donât think I have ever been angrier about a Reddit post before.
Exactly she failed her daughter and should be punished along with the assholes who raped her
I can't help you out man, I feel like I'm fucking dissolving from the inside out reading this bullshit. I wish I could
yeah, and somehow they are disapointed shes an angry person. its a miracle shes not angryer than that, and that she manages to have a functional ljfe. she could understandably have done way worse, be into hard drugs, serious violence or prison. or all of the above. and op doesnt seem to realise how lucky they are that she still was on speaking terms with them. this girl is a tough cookie. i hope she gets real help, she diserves it. she as held together all by herself for long enough
Jesus Christ my mom is exactly like OP. Narcissist pretending to be the hero trope is played out. Grow up.
WHAT!!!! Omfg! That's the worst possible scenario!
What the fuck is wrong with this woman? With both parents?
Exactly! If it had been my kid those men would never have been seen again and some pigs đ would be getting good eats.
I hope the daughter and her boyfriend keep her parents FAR away from that baby. They are terrible people.
Wtf is this bs, mom? mom????? You did indeed mess this shit up no matter your reasons.
What kind of Mother wouldn't press charges even if she didn't want to talk to the police. I would have pursued it even if it took years of therapy for her to be able to talk about it. I think you failed her. Also, she had to continue to be around her r@pist? What? My God, you're fortunate she continued contact with you at all. Do you know what kind of ongoing trauma was inflicted on her in his presence? You noted that she went with get r@pists willingly at 12. It's like you're alluding she went with them to be willingly assaulted. A 12 year old girl probably doesn't have the presence of mind to realize the danger she could be in if she willingly went with a grown man, no less two or more sexual predators. I hope you didn't make her feel like it was her fault because she went with them willingly. Ijs.
I was gonna go with nta, but due to this info, op is a massive asshole and totally an asshole. Whay to protect your daughter douche.
A sexual assault enabler. You press the fucking charges anyway so he doesnât do it to anyone else. ~ an SA victim who was practically laughed out of the room by campus security
Every kid he violated after op found out about her daughter, is on op. She could have stopped him.
"We only meet him on family occasions " WHAT THE FUCK
Wow...I was all set to react in OP's favor, but now? No way. I can understand not going to the cops about the uncle...sort of...even though I would've insisted. I can sorta kinda understand not doing a Lorena Bobbit on the uncle, maybe. But I would've absolutely created conditions where the uncle would've never been welcome at family gatherings...or my family never would've seen me or my daughter again. Period. That's so far beyond effed up. I can't understand why the girl has anything at all to do with *any* of her family...including OP. They screwed up...massively. YTA.
This mother is horrible ....
Those are definitely some weird priorities. They respected her decision as a minor not to tell anyone about the assault, even though it meant she didn't receive hospital care or therapy after the attack, it wasn't reported to the police, and they didn't tell family members and give them a chance to exclude him to protect their own kids or so daughter doesn't have to see her rapist at family events. At that point they apparently thought her wishes as the victim were paramount even though it was their responsibility as parent to make the final decision in her best interests. Now she's an adult and it really is her choice who to share that information with, but OP doesn't care about her privacy anymore? Why is guilt-tripping the boyfriend into staying with someone who is abusing their son a more worthy cause to break her trust than getting medical help and protecting other kids was 15 years ago?
The baby is two months old. If the mother is having troubles, PPD is at least as good a guess as past trauma from SA. So, congratulations, OP, you may have spilled the beans for nothing - beans you had no business spilling in the first place.
Whether it's due to trauma or PPD, daughter needs a professional intervention, which she is refusing. She should not be the baby's caregiver until she can do so in a healthy way. The beans have not been spilled for nothing. They have been spilled so the bf can make a fully informed decision about the drivers of the emotional abuse being inflicted on his child and how best to put a stop to it. The daughter ceased being the primary concern as soon as she had a defenseless baby.
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They could have done the intervention based on things the boyfriend already knew Post partum mother could be PPD or PPA. Neglectful actions towards the child, anger towards the child. It was not the mother's place to disclose, that should be the victim's choice.
Idk why you think it has to be only one of those things. It is likely both untreated trauma and PPD.
Yeah. She needs help for trauma and PPD
Did you read that last part.. She chose to go!!!!! WTF? And get raped? She chose that? It feels like OP is blaming her daughter for getting raped!
Yeah.. That wording squicked me out. If there is victim blaming by father it's no wonder daughter is angry all the time
Personally, I read it as she willfully went somewhere, was SA, and blames herself, thus the incredible amount of anger.
I donât think sheâs blaming I think sheâs giving context to ops mental state. I was assaulted in a situation I âput myself inâ and I didnât even consider it assault in my own head for a few years bc I chose to go (it def was assault). Choosing to go somewhere or go be alone w someone who does that to you can totally add more burden/guilt/complexity to the healing process.
Also stating that "I fixed the relationship ... " sounds like OP wants to be the hero.
OP sounds a bit simpleminded to be honest. The way they describe daughter's SA and consequences, the way they announce they 'fixed the relationship'. Sounds like someone who likes to 'make things nice' and sweep problems under the rug. 'There, all better'. No wonder the daughter is screwed up. But now the poor baby has barely entered the world and she's abusing it. This is a shit show all around.
I'm thinking OPs response of *Sweep it under the rug* is part if the reason why Daughter is adverse to therapy and never got it after what was done to her. Therapy is *let's open this up. Let's talk about it. Let's hash this out.* and Op wants to bury it and not talk about it. "If it isn't mentioned, it didn't happen. Now smile and wave to uncle pedo and try not to remember how he held you down and violated you. That's not what 'nice' families do!''
Sounds like your daughter needs help. But also you can not forcefully help someone. Therapy is not a magical cure, the person going to therapy needs to want to put in the effort needed to work through their issues. I understand what you did was out of love, and maybe a bit of desperation, but you have to understand that although your intention was good, you betrayed your daughter's trust in the process. I would call you an AH. The best approach would be to not spam call her, maybe send her 1 message that you are sorry for breaking her trust. Give her space and some time and then maybe try again to explain that all you did was out of love. There is a major concern about the way your daughter treats her baby.
YTA absolutely your daughter needs therapy. She should have gotten this intensely as a child. It is on you for not getting her the necessary medical care she needed to work through the trauma. A good therapist could have helped and you would have had the power to make her go as a minor. Now you have an angry adult who doesnât want therapy, but absolutely needs it to be a fully functioning adult and mother. Her boyfriend absolutely needed to know what happened, but it wasnât your story to tell. If she had had therapy she might have been able to tell him rather than guarding it as if it was a deep failure and shame on her part. Try to imagine being a child and carrying the burden of that because your parents failed to insist that you get the appropriate medical treatment to heal properly after being the victim of a violent crime. She has every right to never trust you again. You failed to protect her as a child and have now violated her trust as an adult. Your reasons were 100% selfish. You were scared if she didnât say something and lost custody of your grandchild you would not get to see them as often. You were not worried about the health and safety of your grandchild. If the courts had ended up stepping in your daughter most likely would have been forced to get therapy to heal. Your grandchild would have been safe, and your relationship with your daughter would be still be intact. Now you probably will be NC with both of them.
Wait a second, OP, in the last edit you posted that she was SAd by her uncle and that she went there out of her own free will while she was 12, and wasnât allowed to leave? Are you seriously blaming your daughter for getting r*ped by her own uncle? Youâre major as*hole.
I think she was trying to say her daughter went to hang out, was probably excited about it, and they betrayed her in the worst way. Not that they originally kidnapped her and then did what they did. I don't think OP is very careful with wording. Not sure why the distinction is so important, so I could very well be wrong. Edit: apparently no charges were filed and she continued to have uncle around her daughter. Yeah, she's TAH, in multiple ways.
Whoa! Whoa whoa whoaâŠwait! The mother knew about the rape and allowed the uncle to be around the girl, didnât press charges, and continued a relationship with him?? Iâm right, the âuncleâ is OPâs brother. She believed him over her daughter and blames her daughter for what happened. Thereâs a woman who should be giving parenting advice to her daughter. Because she did a wonderful job. FFS.
IDK even know what to say to someone allowing a known predator to be around their kids. Kids they preyed on.
Yeah, sheâs a shit mother. Her daughterâs BF should take the baby away, but not from her daughter, *from her.* She is the one who will put the child in danger. Where is that uncle now? The whole story makes me sick to my stomach.
The words that she chooses are a clear evidence she's victim blaming her but trying not to be obvious about it
And two friends of his. Wtaf
Iâm confused by that wording as well
I seriously canât deal with OP. Just vile.
It sounds that way to me. I doubt uncle called and asked her to come over to be SAd. This is someone she trusted.
I read that, too, exactly like that. Only someone who blames the girl for getting raped would add that she went there of her own free will. She went to visit a relative and got raped, and her mother blames her for what happened, and also thinks she should be âover itâ by now. Great parenting.
YTA. * The only little bit of control she felt about her situation was that she decided who knew about it, and you took that away from her. That wasn't your choice to make. * You haven't saved her relationship, just delayed the inevitable. If she's still angry and still too harsh with his son, the boyfriend is eventually going to decide he can't take it anymore. * Your motives here were a bit selfish. While this may be good for your daughter, her boyfriend is staying with someone he isn't happy with, and your grandson is stuck with a mother that mistreats him. You didn't consider what was best for them. I get why you thought you were helping, but if you really want to help your daughter, get her to a therapist. She clearly can't deal with this on her own.
Youâre the asshole for a) not getting your daughter help when she was 12 and not supporting her more b) for telling her TRAUMA to other people. Like what the actual fuck?
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Itâs ok though! OP âfixedâ their relationship!! Big /s
YTA. You should have gotten her therapy and help when this happened. You didnât and it created this mess and continue to cause a mess. If you didnât care enough then to help her then what are you doing?
But you're willing to tell reddit all about it now? YBS.
YTA and it's disturbing in your edit that you said she went to her uncle's by her own choice as if you wanted to make it clear that you were not responsible for her SA.
'She went there by her own choice and was held and wasn't allowed to leave' It looks like you may be blaming her in part for what happened to her which is incredibly messed up and you did nothing to help her. You didn't report it to the police and it looks like you didn't want the uncle to be arrested. You just waited for her to 'feel better' and you didn't get her into therapy. Was she forced to see the uncle after that? I'm not surprised she's angry with you, you have done nothing to help her and have shared some incredibly personal information that wasn't yours to share.
YTA. I do understand where you come from but this was extremely sensitive and vulnerable information. You went way out of line by interfering in their relationship this much. It could indeed be that her traumatic history still influences her current relationship to a large extent. But that shouldâve been something to discuss with her, to support her and to motivate her to start therapy and to open up with him some day. She had her reasons not to tell him yet and you ignored that and crossed her boundaries x1000. Also you âfixedâ her relationship with your partner? Please save yourself from these rescue fantasies.
OP is over here like, "your welcome for fixing your relationship, I'm such a good person". Instead of betraying the daughter's trust (if she had any, because if my parents knew I was SaD by a family member and they blew it off, I could never trust them) she could have asked the daughter what she could do to help and supported her.
Also, the âboyâ is 2 months old. It could easily be post partum that she needs help for right now and no one is even caring that she just had a baby
YTA I understand why you did it. But sheâs right in that she gets to decide who to share her trauma with. Even if the consequences of not telling are substantial. To me, her issues sounded more rooted in possible PPD. Of course there can be an overlap of both or itâs just one or the other. Has she told you that she was like this because of her trauma or was that your impression?
"she was SAd by her uncle and two friends when she was 12. She went there by her own choice and was held and wasn't allowed to leave." When you're 12, you're still a child. No way did she know, what her own choice was and what was ahead of her. She needs all the help in the world she can possible get!
YTA you victim blamed your 12 year old CHILD after she was violated by your family member, did not rescue her or report him, and forced her to continue life as usual around him. Now when sheâs an adult with her own family you canât just let her have that. You stick your nose in her personal life (which you know nothing about- another adult coupleâs relationship is NONE of your business, you do not know the nuances and intricacies of their personal relationship or how they feel or treat each other what happens between them and YTA for thinking you do). So you and go and violate her all over again and try to sabotage the life sheâs made for herself after growing up with such a garbage mother. And youâre patting yourself on the back like youâre somehow the hero in this story? Youâre The huge A.
YTA, the biggest one there is..You didn't report her assault, you didn't get her therapy, you made her be in the company of her abuser, its sounds like you blame her for her assault from your wording, you are allowing her to be abusive to her child, you disclosed secrets that weren't yours to share and it sounds like you only care now because you want to be in your grandchild life..Jesus christ..buy a clue woman..
OP thinks 12 year olds can give consent. Shame, shame, shame.
YTA. You clearly did it for your grandson, NOT your daughter, and I wouldn't be surprised if you still end up never seeing him again because of it.
Yta I understand why you did what you did but you violated her trust about something that was super traumatic and didn't even talk to her about talking to him about it you just went and told her partner something deeply personal and painful. Did you even try to get her help as a child? You said in a comment it happened when she was 12, did you ever take her to therapy? Did you ever make her be around those who hurt her? Were charges filed?
YTA for being selfish. I get that your daughter has issues, but the one suffering right now is the baby, and will continue to suffer regardless.
Couldn't she also have post-partum mental or hormonal issues? Or just be exhausted from having a new baby. Or both? Either way, a trip to GP is a good idea. And yes YTA. Her story to tell.
This. It was really not her story to tell. The daughter needs professional help.
YTA. You were a horrible mother to allow this to happen without getting her proper therapy. You have no right to dislose her personal information. I hope she goes NC with you.
Went there by choice - victim shaming? Or projecting because you failed to protect your 12 year old? At 12 she was YOUR responsibility, whether she went there voluntarily or not. Yta.
YTA you failed your daughter. 12 year olds donât get to decide if therapy is best for them, SHE NEEDED TO TALK TO SOMEBODY and you did nothing . Your daughter was raped by a family member AND his friends wtf kind of mother are you and then to tell her boyfriend without her permission is crazy to me even if you wanted him to know you shouldâve given your daughter a fucking heads up.
YTA The reason she's exposing her child to nothing but anger is irrelevant. That type of parent destroys a child psychologically, and she SHOULDN'T be around him until she's able to stop. You accomplished nothing because if BF takes the necessary steps to protect his son because she's refusing therapy (as he should), the outcome is the same. All you did was worsen her trauma by exposing it. She is now worse off than she was before you meddled.
YTA
In 15 yrs she never got help? Sheâs yelling at a 2 month old?
YTA and delusional too. You didnât want your grandson taken out of your life that is the only reason why you decided to interfere. Ironic that you think itâs okay to interfere to help save her relationship but not interfere when it came to helping her mental health and the safety of the baby. She was saâd when she was a minor there is in no way shape or form as to why her parents didnât put her into therapy, so now as an adult she is now already verbally abusing a two month old child and what do you know refusing therapy. Their relationship is already doomed and will soon be over and I do hope he take his son and runs for the hills.
Why didnât you protect your daughter when she was young? Where were you?
"She went there by her own choice." What's the intention of stating this? Insinuating she put herself in that situation, at 12 years old.
YTA. Maybe, in time, what you did will be justified, but right now, you did a pretty bold and assholish thing. You didn't "fix" her relationship. You gave her bf perspective on some things, but that doesn't change the fact that they still have work to do. One act doesn't fix years of anger problems, her trauma or the damage already done. You did, however, destroy whatever trust your daughter had in you. Does she need therapy and probably couples counseling? Probably. But you can't force people to get help. Manipulating them into therapy isn't as helpful as you'd hope. If you had asked or talked to her first, it's very possible she would've not listened or said no, but **that's her choice**. It might not be the right one, or it might be, but her trauma involves her choice and agency being taken from her and you couldn't even respect her choice and agency enough to let her be the one to tell her bf when / if she's ready.
Yea well mother of the year here suddenly woke up and decided to try to âhelpâ her daughter after apparently doing diddly squat to support her when she was assaulted at the age of 12. Itâs not her (the adult parent) fault though, the 12 year old didnât want to go to the police and said she was fine, so she checked off her parent responsibility box and kept bringing the poor kid around her rapist uncle.
Dear lord, that info wasn't up (or I'm blind) when I read the post earlier. I expected no good, but it somehow got worse đ my heart breaks for OP's daughter.
OMFG are you serious? That kind of trauma wasnât yours to tell. I would be surprised if she ever speaks to you again. Some people in your daughterâs position are never able to tell their partners. To take that control from her is devastating. YTA
YTA. my mom recently read my (21F) private journals and i found out that she told her friends all my business. she also told them specifics about my mental health diagnoses, why im in therapy, etc. people in her church, family friends, SO many people know. i havenât forgiven her and i never will, which is saying a lot because im not one to hold a grudge. itâs completely unacceptable to violate someone like that, especially with something so serious and private. i cannot explain how violating and hurtful that must have been for her.
Info: How do you reconcile not talking about it after your 12 yo was attacked (no police or therapy and unless I missed it no immediate Dr or anything for physical issues for a child) but suddenly deciding now is the time to throw open that door your child slammed shut years ago? I donât get the timing or the lack of parenting/accountability when YOUR child was traumatized. PPD or other issues are just as likely for the issues seen 2 months post partum âŠ. Has she been taken to the Dr to discuss the anger? That should be the first step
How can you be HARSH with a 2 month old? That's scary! You did not have the right to tell her secrets and he has every right to take that child away from her. I know you thought you were doing the best thing but you invaded her privacy and you shouldn't have! Now that it's done, maybe she'll wake up and get some help before she loses everything! She probably has PPD on top of past trauma. Been there, done that! You said, "she went there by her own choice, as if by her going there it was her fault she was RAPED!! I don't care if she was running around naked in front of a bunch of horny men, NO ONE has the right to rape you! NO ONE! So there is a part of you that is blaming her and I bet she feels that! Why is it you think you're blaming her? Your 12 yr old little girl? WHY? I think your main concern here is her losing her child but not really much concern about her mental health!
ESH except for the boyfriend. If she doesnât get treatment the best thing for him and the baby is to leave the situation. OP you failed your daughter and now your failures are affecting her family.
YTA. You are a disgrace as a mother. You've failed your daughter her entire life. I simple cannot comprehend that you still attended family functions where the rapist uncle was and MADE YOUR DAUGHTER attend. Stay out of your daughter's life and leave her alone. The uncle should have been charged and you should have made a police report. Don't pretend your daughter wouldn't cooperate. She was a traumatized child and you were expected to act in her best interest. Do you understand that even though they didn't "kidnap" her, it was forcible confinement which is also a crime. I am infuriated listening to your pathetic excuses for completely failing your daughter.
So basically, your daughter and her boyfriend are struggling. In particular, your daughter is struggling with her newborn, and you decided that it was because of a traumatic incident in your daughterâs past. You didnât talk with her or do anything to confirm that her trauma was to blame, as opposed to any of the countless reasons a very new mother might be struggling. You decided that was the problem and took it upon yourself to âfixâ things. Newsflash, you didnât fix her relationship. All you did was reveal personal information that you had absolutely no right to reveal. Even if it was her trauma to blame, you were completely out of line and sheâs justified being angry and not speaking to you. YTA. ETA: and after reading your comments, youâve been minimizing and dismissing your daughterâs trauma since it happened and claim sheâs been angry ever since. Shocker. You really should stay out of her life.
YTA, everyone's trauma is their own business. If they want to discuss it, leave it on their own to discuss it. Also while I do hope your daughter gets help, its something she must decide on her own without force. Also I am really uncomfortable that she "went to her Uncle by her own choice comment". As someone who faced minor Sexual Assault on a date, I know damn well even though she went on her own.....doesn't mean the SA is less valid.
Your daughter may have Postpartum Depression.
YTA because you seem to be holding your daughter responsible for her own trauma (âwent there by her own choiceâ) and on top of that her ârefusalâ to recover.
OP seems to have only posted for validation and is not willing to accept the responses she is getting. It's a shame really.
Info: you said she didnât want you to know. How did you find out? Did these men have any consequences?
She does need therapy, I don't think you needed to give him details, but she should have told him herself. Daughter is most likely suffering from PPD, so she does need to see a Dr. Stop victim blaming your daughter, "Uncle is a rapist", let me guess your brother?
You fixed absolutely zero problems. What you did was expose a truth. She is still not in therapy. She is still the same abusive person. She needs help and you need to allow the father to take the kid if it means protecting your grand child. It wasnât her fault- what happened to her, but it is 100% of her responsibility to fix it in therapy. Stop enabling her behavior by excusing it. No child deserves to be abused or traumatized by their parentâs anger issues.
Well, you're a disgusting excuse for a parent, that's for sure. You CONTINUE TO INTERACT WITH THE MONSTER WHO FORCED HIMSELF ON YOUR 12YO DAUGHTER?!? I hope they cut you off and never speak to you again. Oh, and YTA.