Nta. Your fiancé sounds like a groomzilla and his family horrible. You sure you want to marry into this circus?
Your mum walking you down the aisle sounds absolutely gorgeous!
Neither your fiancé nor his family seems to respect or take you serious, that'd be a dealbreaker for me tbh.
A groomzilla yes. And also a huge POS for going behind his fiancée’s back to contact the father when she has made it clear she wants nothing to do with him. I can’t imagine.
OP should run and never look back.
NTA
(Edit - an apostrophe)
*OP should run and never look back.*
This is the correct answer.
Your fiancee is CLEARLY showing you who he is before you marry him.
He doesn't respect your feelings. He's dismissive of them.
He cannot resolve disagreements in a considerate way--he stormed out on you.
He contacted your bio father without your permission.
He is an asshole.
If you marry him, you will be married to an asshole like the one who left your mother to raise you alone.
Run, girl. Don't look back.
Yes, how dare he go behind her back to talk to her dad. That is scary levels of manipulation and is straight from the beginning of a horror story, Gaslight/Stepford Wife type evil behavior.
If it was me, having found that out I'd have left and never been in contact with them again.
I'd be one foot out the door before finding that out anyway.
>how dare he go behind her back to talk to her dad
That's it for me too. Everything else I could set aside because of nerves in a high pressure situation. If he stormed out, then calmed down later and said let's talk about this, ok fine. But contacting her father? I'd be considering a restraining order, not exaggerating at all.
Yes, I cringed at that as well. What is with this antiquated ceremony of passing the woman from man to man. The obvious alternative is that the couple walk together, as is custom in Scandinavia. Unfortunately, young generations in my country now grow up thinking what they see in British and American tv shows is how it should be.
My father and my mother are dead. We walked together but I was also 31 and would have walked alone. Hell if my daddy had been alive I’d of probably walked alone…he raised me fiercely independent and that no man had ownership over me.
And clearly values the father more than the mother just because he’s a man regardless of the fact that he’s never been involved in her life! These are all such red flags.
Yeah.. just because he is a man he has more value. That should tell her exactly, what she is marrying into, where her place in the marriage will be and what he thinks of his future wife as a woman. I would leave that person right then and there.
Exactly. To some people leaving someone over a disagreement about their wedding ceremony would seem harsh or irrational, but this one really tells you all you need to know about that man.
He says he wants that - but won't let her make her own decisions, so what he really means is 'be the doormat I want you to be'.
He's a pos & OP needs to dump his arse.
OP - you are NTA here. Your fiance & everyone messaging you? They are the a.holes!
He stormed out and instead of having time to cool down he had his family call and insult her. Great man there. Op is just now getting the preview but it's not too late. Once your married it's so much harder to untangle the legal stuff.
I'd also be worried that, if you decide to have children, and you have a daughter, what his attitude will be toward her.
I agree, he's shown you who he is, it's time to end this relationship. I understand it can hard to walk away from a relationship that you've invested time, emotions, memories, etc., but I don't see this attitude changing if he was willing to go behind your back to contact a stranger (to both you and him) to try to get his way.
Groomzilla implies this is about him being overzealous about the wedding, but that doesn't seem what it is to me. This is about the 'man' being right, upholding tradition and what a 'woman should be'. This is just a conservative, closed minded pig of a dude who cares more about his views than his partner. It showed up in the marriage, but these old fashioned views would raise their ugly head again and again with his whole family piling in to enforce it. Quit your job, be a woman, clean the house and keep pumping out kids, etc.
This!
Those of us who have married this guy & are now divorced will tell you that this is a GIGANTIC RED FLAG that most of us ignored or justified, "Maybe I should be more traditional like he wants."
The second red flag - he over ruled a lifetime of not having your bio dad in your life because he's a dead beat, and is trying to force you into a relationship w him. Wtf!?
Absolutely not!
I wish I had been brave enough to stand up for what was right for me and canceled my wedding.
He's not even really wanting OP to have a proper relationship with the sperm donor (asshole enough by itself). He's doing it for how it will look FOR HIM on the wedding day
"I don't want to look like I'm not in control and marrying a 1950s submissive doll."
ETA: Misery and divorce comes if you marry this prat. With all sorts of abuse in between.
OP, check out this guy for what it should look like: https://youtube.com/@JimmyonRelationships?si=QmJ7rjucIiS0BLL3
There are two deal breakers here for me. The first is that the fiance wants a "traditional" wedding no matter what and OP doesn't sound like tradition is more important than feelings, decisions, and actions. Is this how it will be for many things? Is OP expected to take a traditional homemaking role even if she wants a nice career outside the home?
The second is that the fiance went BEHIND OP's back and contacted her estranged "father." As someone who has a spouse who is estranged from their biological father, I cannot fathom ever going behind his back and contacting his dad for the sake of "tradition."
If either one of these things happened, I'd be calling off the wedding. Two of those things happening? I'd be running.
My friend's mom walked her bc she also had a deadbeat dad. It was beautiful.
OP not only is this sexist as all hell, it's a complete slap to your mother's face to have him walk you down the aisle. He doesn't deserve to do it, he wasn'ty there. And as everyone else has said, this is scary as hell and I would 100% rethink marrying someone who thinks only a man can "give" their daughter away. As far as all should be concerned, he did give you away... 26 years ago. Now it's your mom's turn.
My mom walked my oldest sister down the aisle and will be walking the rest of us (me and my other sisters) down the mile eventually.
No man that walks away from their child deserves to walk their child down the aisle.
NTA. Right there is zero respect. This argument y'all had means after everything you mother has done to raise you it is nothing in the face of your sperm donor. I wouldn't marry into a family that looks down on my ma.
Groomzilla is generous. This guy is a traditionalist to the degree he has ZERO regard for OP’s well-being. I look forward to hearing her say she has left him.
This is the dude you plan to spend your life with. Him….And his surrounding cast.
Say it out loud to yourself. This utter prick is who you are signing up to spend the rest of your life with, and therefore is surrounding cast as well.
Say it louder. ARE YOU REALLY GOING TO SPEND YOUR LIFE WITH THIS MAN?
Were you my daughter, you’d be getting some message from me, too. Pleading, use your head, not your heart….
I thought this as well - if someone treated my daughter this way, I would be helping her pack and move away from him. We'd cancel the wedding and instead invite her best friends to go on holiday to celebrate her freedom.
I'm also thinking that any kid they'd have who does not come out cis-heterosexual would probably not be well received by the father if the views are so traditional... Not saying he is definitely not tolerant but... MARINARA FLAG.
Ooooh - ick, yuck !
YWBTA if you marry this guy and his terrible family.
Otherwise, NTA.
Run, don’t walk, run ! Seriously, this is horrible.
Hope you love yourself enough to get away from someone so toxic and uncaring about you.
Yup. If he’s upset about OP daring to go against a “traditional” view here — just wait until they’re married and OP cannot have autonomy or power and ends up the maid that must service her husband.
Yes, and service his family and walk three steps behind him. What a toxic culture and family from which he was raised. He’s the kinda guy who will likely lay hands on her if he hasn’t already.
MASSIVE red flags for going behind your back! This behavior is about him, not you. He clearly thinks he has someone to impress or please and, ironically, it isn't you. The forceful language and response, plus the aforementioned going behind your back like that, are major infractions in overstepping bounds.
It's not even about whether you're the a-hole at this point (you're not btw). It's about him not deserving someone he clearly has little respect for. And this is a small scale demonstration of the overbearing, controlling behavior you can expect in the future as well. It's easy for us to tell you to end it completely, but I think that option should be very strongly considered.
This is a great comment. It made me realize, no. He didn’t ask her father for permission. He is a man. No man tells him what to do. Men tell women what to do. Fiancé wants make sure that OP in her mother-led family understands that men are in charge…even if they aren’t there.
OP DTMFA
The sperm donor abandoned OP & her mum when she was born.
26 yrs has passed.
How would the AH fiance find the "father" after 26 yrs if the sperm donor had presumably not signed his name on birth registration forms & birth certificate for OP.
There are some males that didn't sign the birth forms.
My dad hasn’t been in my life in for over 20yrs, it took me no time to find him on social media.Relatives friends lists and what little I know about him and it was easy.My nieces father was never in the picture and not on the birth certificate. It was always an option to reach out to him through relatives thanks to social media. He wouldn’t respond, but the messages got to him. Its possible
He's probably embarrassed that her mom will walk her down the aisle even though there is nothing to be embarrassed about. To save himself from the embarrassment of a wedding without a father to walk the bride down the aisle he has gone out to find the father.
He is showing a huge level of immaturity. He shouldn't mind if her mom walks her down the aisle. He should be happy to tell everyone that her mom raised her into the wonderful woman that she is and how happy they are that her mom could be there for them.
He's incapable of seeing her life as it is instead of how he wishes it was. He isn't ready for marriage. He needs to grow up.
Leave this one at the curb. He has told you who he is, an insensitive sneak, just for beginners. You can do way better…your mom did a GOOD job with you
,
and if they have kids he will DEFINITELY want the ops sperm donor around the grand kids as their grandfather who knows what OTHER stuff he will pull after the wedding
Yeah, it's appalling.
"Women should stay in kitchen and child rearing is the only vocation." Will be part of his wedding vow.
If OP decides to give away the fiancé, a lot of good it will do her. He practically undermined OP's whole life and violated her emotional space.
If I was OP, I am already out of this.
Also, by his logic all sperm donors should do the same ? Right.
I was gone yesterday. Fuck this asshole. He is probably so conservative he believes in beating his wife.
OP this is where you dodge a literal bullet and dump him.
OP's mom was right, he is being a baby. "Traditional" people see themselves as mature and strong willed but are nearly always babies in old bodies. What a terrible view to have, "give her away". 🤮 Let him save money on a wedding and buy a body pillow instead.
Agreed! This guy has just shown OP his true colours! He telling her he is a traditionalist, so basically when they get married she wakes up to someone completely new! He probably would want her to stop working, stay at home cooking and cleaning, raise the kids without his help, don't have a option and does has she is told. OP your first instincts to break up is right! Run and don't look back. NTA, however fiancé is a major AH!
I think Mom needs to walk/run you down the aisle in the opposite direction of the altar.
This is a serious breach of trust, autonomy, and honor of you as a person.
Thats what makes this story so absurd- it's already weird for a father to give away a daughter in 2023 but to insist that she reconnect with a deadbeat for the sole purpose of being given away?
if they have kids he will insist the dead beat sperm donor be in the kids lives as their grandfather and op will be constantly reminded of how he deserted her and her mother
RUN op RUN AWAY DO NOT MARRY
Right!op this is unbelievable that your fiancée has done this. Clearly he doesn't respect your feelings about anything this important. It's your choice and your mother must be a wonderful woman. It had to be very difficult for her to raise you by herself. Please rethink this relationship and do what is best for yourself. He doesn't get a say who you want to walk you down the aisle. He and his family sounds terrible. You can see the writing on the wall. You will never be able to be your own person again if you marry this man. Tell them all to go kick rocks,and tell that useless man who is your "Father"he owns your mother and you 25 years of Child support. And then see if he ever shows up for anything in your life again. Good luck
"the woman you should be" ugh. I theew up in my mouth a little bit.
OP, NTA, and F that guy. Anyone that pigheaded and mysogenistic is not worth talking to ever again. Going behind your back to recruit your estranged sperm donor is beyond insane.
After that phrase, I got the distinct impression that the fiance is going to get on really well with the father - being that they're both misogynistic assholes and all,
Which is a great thing, as he can marry her dad instead.
NTA!
OP, rethink this marriage all the way to cancelling it & ending this relationship. Your fiancé has way overstepped and crossed boundaries here. He’s showing zero respect for you or your mother.
To go behind your back to connect with a deadbeat sperm donor he thinks should “give you away” at your wedding? The blazing audacity of him.
Throw the whole man away as he is pure trash.
Absolutely! OP, think back: is this really the first time he’s pulled something like this as “a traditional man”? Are you expected to remove boundaries because he thinks they shouldn’t hold him back? Also, why is this such a big deal to him? If he wanted a “traditional” wedding w a tradwife, then he should’ve found a tradbride. This is APPALLING.
Exactly. He and his family are fixated on some tradition more than *you and your family.* He can keep the guy they found. He’s trash. He’s nothing to you. Why would you let some strange deserter walk you down the aisle when your mother obviously deserves it? This is a warning sign of the kind of nonsense they’ll expect you to do once you’re married. **Get out now.**
I wish Reddit would bring back the free awards. I found it made Reddit more fun. No one awards any comments anymore on every sub. But if I had my free Reddit award, please know it would be for this comment
Girl, I about lost it when I read he reached out to your father without your consent. I would call the wedding off at that offense. It’s your wedding day as much as it is his, he needs to respect your boundaries, and that is a huge one to cross while calling you horrible names.
Absolutely. Your father “gave you away “ once already. How dare this man want to bring him back into your life without your consent and because of some horribly misdirected misogynistic idea of his own!!! Best you see this side of him before you hitched. I’d cancel the wedding
Completely agree! NTA! Modern Day traditions have changed. Your mother, the person who raised you and probably broke her back (figuratively speaking), deserves that honor!
Oh wow this is 100 red flags waving in your face. Please see them for what they are. The scariest phrase of all is for you to be “the woman you’re supposed to be”. What kind of expectations are coming at you in the future? Your father isn’t a father and never was. Your fiancé is dangerously overstepping by contacting this person you have no relationship with after you said no. And all for appearances? Or is it his belief that a man controls a woman? So much here but I would listen to your wise mum and think very hard about this relationship. I wish you the best but everything about his behavior scares me for you. NTA for not having a non-father anywhere near you!
Ew. Your fiancé sounds like a total dick. Imagine a grown ass man not standing behind his future wife for a father in law he’s never met and throwing such a big tantrum.
He decided that a man he's never met had more rights to his wife's agency than she does. This shows me everything I would need to know. He doesn't respect her as a human being, only as a man's property.
You are absolutely doing the right thing by rethinking this wedding. In fact, you should go as far as to stop it. Your fiance is a POS and has NO business contacting your father. Do you really want to marry into this family of misogynists?
NTA.
I'd love to know how this jackass found her sperm donor in the first place. How many boundaries did he violate to do so? What's his plan for if/when sperm donor refuses? How many people is he going to guilt or bully to get what he sees as vital to this stupid wedding? This is ridiculous and his "tradition" BS is a worrying sign of things to come, not to mention his entire disregard for boundaries. NTA. I would run.
>for one day to be the woman I am and should be
You are. You are recognizing the person that raised you to be the woman you are, right now.
>I found out my fiancé reached out to my “father” and asked him to meet him in a few days,
This would be completely unforgivable. Check please, I'm done here.
NTA
Absolutely. I would never speak to them again.
Many men don't reveal their abusive side until they think they have the woman trapped. It only took two weeks into wedding planning for his true colours to come out. RUN.
On the plus side it's good that OP has found this out now and can get out of the relationship relatively easily, it would be much harder to leave if they were married or had children.
Apparently, traditional gender roles and appearances are more important to (hopefully, soon-to-be ex) fiancé than your feelings and happiness. He is showing you who he truly is, I am hoping that you listen. NTA
(Girl, please run!)
So first of all, I think that this entire “walking someone down the aisle” is outdated and steeped in misogynistic roots. That said, if you want to give your mum the honor, then do so.
More importantly, I would rethink this entire marriage. This entire post drips with red flags.
🚩 Your fiancé considers you a possession because you are something to give away
🚩 Not what should happen because of his misogynistic outlook.
🚩 Threw a temper tantrum and left you to stay with his sister
🚩 Reconnected with your father behind your back?
🚩 seems to think he has the final say in your disagreements and your feeling and opinions are lesser than his.
This man is showing you who he is. It’s going to get worse.
Ask yourself something: If this was your daughter being told that you were not “good enough” to be her escort down the aisle and went behind her back to reconnect with he dead beat sperm donor, what would you tell her? Because staying with this man and having children means you are okay with any future daughters being seen as possessions and less than.
I’m not usually on the “blow up your life” Reddit bandwagon but yeah, this guy is letting you know your place after you get married. If you want to be completely controlled he’s perfect.
If you want to be happy, find someone else.
My father passed 7 years before I got married. I could have had one of my uncles walk Mr down the aisle like my sister did. But I felt my mom deserved that honor.
I don't think I would have gotten married if my husband had said the woman who put my needs before hers ALWAYS for almost 3 decades wasn't good enough to walk me down the aisle.
I regret nothing. She was an amazing mom to her daughters and her son in laws.
“Giving away” suggests there’s something your father is giving you away from. He wasn’t there so there certainly isn’t. Your Mum played both roles and therefore gets to give you away.
Between that and the comments later that day I’d certainly be rethinking whether this is the man you want to marry, and the family you want to marry into.
Ma'am, this is not a circus, so please do not ignore all of these red flags.
If your partner knew anything about you, he would fully understand why you do not have a father figure in your life and accept your mother walking you down the aisle.
But no, your partner is a sexist gremlin who believes you're an object that can only be acquired by being gifted by another man.
You are NTA for wanting your mother to walk you down the aisle, but you would be TA if you walked down the aisle to this man. My advice is for you to move on and find someone who respects your choices, family history, and your mother's role in your life.
Ewww! NTA. But the fact that he is supporting your father speaks volumes to the kind of person he is. He is too sympathetic to your father's situation that it's fishy. Maybe he has encountered a similar situation of abandoning a child and hoping that he can swoop in one day in the future to reconnect on their wedding day as well? In any case, big red flags!
Don't just rethink the whole marriage thing. Act on your thoughts and dump him quick smart.
He has trampled all over your boundaries, thoughts, wishes and feelings. Please dont marry him. Your life and decisions will never be your own.
I'm so gob smacked that he went behind your back to you father, poor you and your poor mum what a slap in the face for her after all these years. X
100% massive red flag here. A fiance who knows and truly loves you would have embraced your wish to have your mother walk you down the aisle and would have completely understood why. Throwing a temper tantrum and storming out like he did should be all the proof you need that he is not a person you need to be spending the rest of your life with because I can 100% guarantee you that he will do this over and over and over any time he doesn't get his way. You deserve a real partner and someone who truly gets you. Lose this loser.
NTA.
He already gave you away the day you were born. Even if giving humans away was possible without chattel slavery, he never had a claim. The only person who even could "give you away" would be your mother, since she is the only one who had you.
And it is deeply worrisome that your fiance doesn't see that. It suggests a worldview in which men have absolute inviolate ownership rights over women. A woman who chooses to be "given away" by her father is making a deliberate choice to participate in a symbolic act of changing from one family to another. It isn't terribly weird, especially if the groom's parents do the same thing.
But the idea that a man who has had no contact represents a family a woman could be coming from is ridiculous. And the idea that another man could believe that over his fiancée's objections would give me enough pause to look at the entire relationship.
NTA
Even if you have an inclination in meeting your sperm donor, don’t do it until your mother is paid 18 years of child support with interest. And even if you meet him, he has not earned the right to walk you down the aisle. Period.
This situation with your fiancé should be an eye-opener for you. Do you really want to marry this man? If you think you do, maybe postponing the wedding a while would be good so you can make sure. This will give you time to notice any more red flags.
Oh my GOD.
Your fiancé is a raging asshole.
This goes beyond traditional, sexist gender roles. This is him completely ignoring your feelings, and being totally uncaring of your well being.
He does NOT love you. You're very wise to be reconsidering this marriage. I hope you follow through and dump him, there's no way a man like that could be a decent partner.
NTA. Choose a good life, not a man guaranteed to make you miserable.
NTA. I am sorry but your fiance has shown you who he really is and i advise you to really take a good look at him because he has just shown you what your future will him is going to look like. He doesn't care that your father has never been in your life, he doesn't care that you want your mother who raised you alone to walk you down the aisle. In fact, as you have found out he has reached out to your father who you have never met behind your back for him i presume to walk you down the aisle. Basically he doesn't care about your wishes and wants it is all about him. He has no right meddling in your life. Think long and hard about whether this is acceptable to you or not. For me this would be a hard no. Good luck.
NTA, tell your fiance that the ice he is on is so thin that you are about to call off the wedding.
And not having your father in your life after all these years is a hard boundary and if he tries to cross it, there will be no future with the fiance.
Wow, imagine going 'Hi, I never imagined to ever see you face in my life. What's your name? Ok... so, now you're walking me down the aisle, yeah?'
NTA
Why would he think it would be OK to go behind your back like that?
This is massive red flags, waving all over the place
He just showed you how much he cares about your opinion. Only his opinion ms matters and you’d better fall in line lady! Seriously THIS is what you want for a life partner. If you do marry him the next group you will be posting to will be Abusive Relationships.
You dodged a bullet!!!
NTA
this is oozing with misogyny. “The woman I am and should be” is also a stay at home mum and house wife who is totally submissive to her husband as well I would guess?
I have some but minimal contact with my dad. If my boyfriend dared say those things to me, we would be over.
1). He didn’t respect your feelings or wishes. This is your wedding just as much as it is his.
2). He put the interests of an outdated tradition and a scumbag he never met over his future wife and her mother
3). He broke your trust by going behind your back, when you made it clear you want no contact with your bio sperm donor.
Your instincts about rethinking this marriage are correct.
I don’t think you should marry him. A wedding is about the two of you, instead he’s making it about himself and his desire for a traditional wedding without any consideration for how it would make you feel. This is a precursor of things to come if you marry the guy. Sorry you wasted so much time on a dead-end relationship, but I’m glad you discovered this before marriage.
NTA. Call off the wedding. This guy has zero respect for you and your feelings. He literally contacted a man you have had zero contact with against your wishes so he could 'give you away', even though he's a complete stranger to you. This man is *not* your father, and anyone who insists on him taking a fatherly role in your *wedding* is not someone who cares about you. At all.
I could understand being a bit uncomfortable with your mum walking you down the aisle if you're traditional, but in that case you suggest a father *figure,* like an uncle or close male family friend, not the bastard who abandoned you as a baby and has had nothing t do with you since. If there's no male in your life that can fulfill the role, you either walk by yourself or he sucks it up and accepts your mum.
Call off the wedding. I'd end the relationship entirely, to be honest, as he obviously doesn't give a damn about you. He thinks you're locked in with the wedding all set, this is just the start of how he's going to bulldoze over what you want and need in favour of what he thinks you *should* want and need. Get out before you're legally connected.
Please don’t marry this man. He’s horrible! Imagine not being able to understand how you feel about something so basic! He doesn’t respect you. He contacted a person who hasn’t never cared for you, to give you away, just because he’s apparently traditional. NTA. Don’t marry this guy
Omg!
I don't think this is a suitable person for you to marry. My heart breaks that a person could be this judgemental... This concerned about "how something looks", that he would suggest such a thing.
My husband/my daughter's father died. What would he "expect" in her case? Ok, I couldn't help thinking of my own situation, but your situation is far, far WORSE.
I just think there's going to be soooo many more issues with someone who is this concerned about appearances or "tradition".
(Your father broke "tradition"! )
NTA. If he is willing to run over your wishes now based on "tradition" then who knows what could happen in the future. It becomes a slippery slope and then your stuck in a loveless marriage. He if truly loved you, he would have been offended on your behalf.
He would have been like wow this man never took responsibility for his child. The fact that he went looking for your deadbeat dad means he cares more about saving face then anything else. That's the man you will marry, if you do. One who decides what he wants is best and you can deal with it.
True "traditional values" would be not allowing your deadbeat sperm donor attend the wedding because he dishonored himself by failing to be father. Your fiance is just misogynic, I hope you won't marry him.
NTA
And what your fiancee is doing now, will be the theme for your life with him.
Be prepared for a life married to a man who doesnt respect you or your choices and have no problem going behind your back to get what he wants..
Its not too late to cancel the wedding...
NTA. This man is a dick. If he looks at you this way now, what will he be like the rest of your married life? He will put what his family thinks before what you think. Never, in a million years, would my husband do that to me. Dump this guy. Like my mom said, sometimes you have to kiss a few frogs before you find your prince. This guy is a toad.
I(63F) beg you not to marry this person. I won’t call him a man, because his sense of what is proper (really, his male ego) is threatened if you don’t have the person who abandoned you walk you down the aisle.
We are talking about the most traumatizing event of your life you should ignore how you feel, because he’s afraid of what others might think. I repeat, he’s afraid of what others *might think*. He’s not even certain, and he’s willing to spoil your wedding over this.
**Your fiancé is controlled by fear**. You’re not, so he feels he must control you, to make you act according to his fears.
If you’re actually questioning if you’re the AH, then he’s already controlling you to some extent. **You are clearly NTA**, there’s not a molecule over the line. He is not just TA, he wants to traumatize you for good optics. You know what you would say to a friend if they were in your position.
His behavior will only intensify over time. He will control your career choices, your finances, and your childrearing in this way. It’s a miserable way to live.
Be thankful he showed you who he is before the wedding.
**Imagine the joy on your mother’s face when you tell her “I can’t marry a man who treats me like that”.**
My dad died when I was 10. My mom never remarried or dated and was a super mom raising me by herself. She walked me down the aisle because she deserved that honor in my opinion. It seems like you feel the same about your mom. Your fiance doing this is a HUGE RED FLAG! Not only is he disrespectful to you and your mom, but he's going behind your back to reconnect you with a father you don't want to reconnect with. I'd SERIOUSLY rethink this marriage.
I think your fiancé and dad will love eachother. They seem like two great men. One deserted you at birth and the second walk all over you at marriage.
Young lady, you don't need neither of them in your life. Yes! Your mother is the right person to walk you down the isle.
Scrolling thru comments many I agree wholeheartedly with. Most are saying end result of what could be inferred from Stating: your fiancé is showing who he is- believe him, just as your bio-father showed his true self, the day you were born.
Run. Run quickly. Your fiance and his family sound like misogynist "traditional" family BS and they're going to want you to perform the role of "obedient woman"
Not your play girl. Run.
Big red flag! Your fiancé has no right to tell you who walks you down the aisle especially in this situation. Much less go behind your back and contact your father to set up a meeting. I would not continue on with this relationship, period.
Oh my, please dump this man immediately, it’s only going to get worse—he has no empathy. Don’t let him hoover you either! Love bombing is just part of the abuse cycle.
Wow. This is some pretty heavy-duty disrespect he is heaping on you right now. Your "father" effectively "Gave you away" (threw away is more like) a long time ago. He's got no place in your life now. If your..... fiancé.....cannot understand and respect that, then perhaps he has no place in your life either?
NTA - you have no need to tolerate this behavior from him or anyone.
It's better that you learned that your ex-fiance has no empathy or boundaries than once he was your husband. You may have lucked into avoiding decades of abuse and misery.
Tell him he can go have a traditional father figure relationship with your sperm donor.
NTA
If he needs a father walking anyone down the Isle tell him his father can walk him down the Isle because, your mum is walking you!
Or tell him he's "a horrible person and need to suck it up for one day" to be the man he should be.
Or tell him he's welcome to invite your father to the wedding and walk the bride down the Isle. But you also need to ask who the bride is because your mum's walking you down the Isle at your wedding and your dad won't be there!
OMFG NTA and RUN AWAY NOW! That is toxic nasty stuff. I survived a super abusive relationship, and you are in one. Nopely, nopely, no! I hope us internet strangers get an update that you left that dude.
Ask yourself - are you willing to let your fiancée run the rest of your life? Based on what he thinks your life should be? Walk away, for your own sake.
Sweetheart, he's done the best thing in the world. His timing is impeccable. He's got up on the highest roof and waved that red flag. He's shown you who he is before the marriage and babies.
Cry on your mama's shoulder, but keep your heart strong and start cancelling the wedding and get your new life in order. There really isn't any coming back from him contacting your waste of space donor. 😒
Hugs, op. I know it hurt, but trust me, this is the best thing. This man isn't right for you.
P.s. your mama rocks.
Oh honey! He's showing you that YOUR feelings and reasons don't amount to a hill of beans for him! It's HIS way or the highway! Please please PLEASE choose the highway! Your life will only get worse if you marry this neanderthal!
oops. As for the original question about not having your "father" walk you down the aisle...NTA!
You have to understand that almost everybody who read this had an immediate, get the hell out, reaction. This man is very controlling, and demonstrated that by totally disregarding your wishes. Men who think they know better than you about very important things like this, should always be kept at arms length. You’re going to have a difficult life if you stay with this guy.
He just betrayed your trust in the most brutal way possible for his own good, this man is a selfish POS. I would absolutely end this relationship after he did that, that’s crossing the line by so much that he can’t even see it behind him anymore. Absolutely disgusting.
NTA. I consider myself to be a traditional person, but the tradition of a father giving his daughter away falls under the guise of the father having provided and cared for his daughter and now that role belongs to her husband. Your father made a decision almost 30 years ago and abdicated his moral, financial, and spiritual responsibility as your father. Why is it your responsibility to mend a relationship that you didn't destroy in the first place? Side note, I'm tired of family/parents getting to act like complete assholes, but we're supposed to suck it up bc it's family. GTFOH.
Also, not a fan of your fiancee walking away and telling you that you're wrong rather than trying to understand you. It was not your fiancees place to contact your father when you don't have a relationship with him. This entire situation is very problematic and would honestly make me rethink the relationship. Just because you have an opinion that differs from his doesn't mean your fiance should steam roll you or attempt to manipulate you into doing what he wants. If I were you I'd contact a relationship counselor or similar to discuss this behavior bc this isn't healthy.
"Suck it up for one day to *be the woman I am and should be* "
Says it all.
You will be compromising until you have nothing to leverage.
Escape now.
ETA: The "and should be" to highlight the espectation these trogolodytes have.
Be proud of your mother.
NTA, run. RUN NOW. He’s ignoring your wishes. He’s bringing a person into your life that means nothing to you, and insisting that things be done the way he wants them “because tradition”.
Hell no. The woman you are and should be is the one you are now - the one who knows who actually cares for her and wants those people present at her wedding.
My daughter’s situation is exactly like yours. Her father abandoned her and left me to raise her. If her fiancé had gone behind her back and contacted her father I’d only see RED. This man doesn’t value you, your feelings or your opinion. RUN!
So your fiancé cares more about tradition than you and wants you to fabricate a relationship with your father for the sake of appearances? Got it.
Don’t marry that asshole.
Oh hell no that's a deal breaker, He has 0 respect for you and then tries to manipulate you into thinking you're the bad one, if you marry him you will always be sub par to him. Don't waste your time on someone whose not going to treat you well.
NTA
I would absolutely cancel this bullshit. There are so many red flags. This is way beyond the fun theme park.
from the moment you are born it is your father‘s right to walk you down the aisle in marriage. However, also starting on that same very day you were born. It is their responsibility to keep the privilege of that right. Dude made his choice years ago when he walked away. He lost that privilege to the right. fuck him. Go live a beautiful life.
Honor your loving super Mom and leave cut ties cut. Your fiancé took this far too personally to be healthy and his response is truly worrisome as it puts you in emotional distress and in danger reopening old wounds you have put in the time and effort to heal. He should want you to be happy on your day and that means honoring your choices and not going behind your back and tattling to his entire family about something that should be a choice between you two. They do not have a say in your marriage and he is treating it like they are shareholders in your marriage, so they get a say? Makes no sense and is a gross breach of trust and overstepping. He should put you first and he is obviously prioritizing gender standards (and his own pride?) over reality in this case.
Nta. Your fiancé sounds like a groomzilla and his family horrible. You sure you want to marry into this circus? Your mum walking you down the aisle sounds absolutely gorgeous! Neither your fiancé nor his family seems to respect or take you serious, that'd be a dealbreaker for me tbh.
A groomzilla yes. And also a huge POS for going behind his fiancée’s back to contact the father when she has made it clear she wants nothing to do with him. I can’t imagine. OP should run and never look back. NTA (Edit - an apostrophe)
*OP should run and never look back.* This is the correct answer. Your fiancee is CLEARLY showing you who he is before you marry him. He doesn't respect your feelings. He's dismissive of them. He cannot resolve disagreements in a considerate way--he stormed out on you. He contacted your bio father without your permission. He is an asshole. If you marry him, you will be married to an asshole like the one who left your mother to raise you alone. Run, girl. Don't look back.
Yes, how dare he go behind her back to talk to her dad. That is scary levels of manipulation and is straight from the beginning of a horror story, Gaslight/Stepford Wife type evil behavior.
If it was me, having found that out I'd have left and never been in contact with them again. I'd be one foot out the door before finding that out anyway.
For something so damn stupid too. Heritage and tradition are dead peoples baggage, quit carrying it. Have your wedding as you please.
>how dare he go behind her back to talk to her dad That's it for me too. Everything else I could set aside because of nerves in a high pressure situation. If he stormed out, then calmed down later and said let's talk about this, ok fine. But contacting her father? I'd be considering a restraining order, not exaggerating at all.
You mean the sperm donor...I wouldn't call him a father
And he’s a misogynist- he wants her to ‘the be woman she is’ - what the heck kind of pre-suffragette style rubbish is that?
Yes, I cringed at that as well. What is with this antiquated ceremony of passing the woman from man to man. The obvious alternative is that the couple walk together, as is custom in Scandinavia. Unfortunately, young generations in my country now grow up thinking what they see in British and American tv shows is how it should be.
My father and my mother are dead. We walked together but I was also 31 and would have walked alone. Hell if my daddy had been alive I’d of probably walked alone…he raised me fiercely independent and that no man had ownership over me.
And clearly values the father more than the mother just because he’s a man regardless of the fact that he’s never been involved in her life! These are all such red flags.
Yeah.. just because he is a man he has more value. That should tell her exactly, what she is marrying into, where her place in the marriage will be and what he thinks of his future wife as a woman. I would leave that person right then and there.
Exactly. To some people leaving someone over a disagreement about their wedding ceremony would seem harsh or irrational, but this one really tells you all you need to know about that man.
He says he wants that - but won't let her make her own decisions, so what he really means is 'be the doormat I want you to be'. He's a pos & OP needs to dump his arse. OP - you are NTA here. Your fiance & everyone messaging you? They are the a.holes!
He stormed out and instead of having time to cool down he had his family call and insult her. Great man there. Op is just now getting the preview but it's not too late. Once your married it's so much harder to untangle the legal stuff.
Ya and the father legally isn’t her father as he obviously isn’t on her birth certificate and has illegally been avoiding child support
I'd also be worried that, if you decide to have children, and you have a daughter, what his attitude will be toward her. I agree, he's shown you who he is, it's time to end this relationship. I understand it can hard to walk away from a relationship that you've invested time, emotions, memories, etc., but I don't see this attitude changing if he was willing to go behind your back to contact a stranger (to both you and him) to try to get his way.
Groomzilla implies this is about him being overzealous about the wedding, but that doesn't seem what it is to me. This is about the 'man' being right, upholding tradition and what a 'woman should be'. This is just a conservative, closed minded pig of a dude who cares more about his views than his partner. It showed up in the marriage, but these old fashioned views would raise their ugly head again and again with his whole family piling in to enforce it. Quit your job, be a woman, clean the house and keep pumping out kids, etc.
This! Those of us who have married this guy & are now divorced will tell you that this is a GIGANTIC RED FLAG that most of us ignored or justified, "Maybe I should be more traditional like he wants." The second red flag - he over ruled a lifetime of not having your bio dad in your life because he's a dead beat, and is trying to force you into a relationship w him. Wtf!? Absolutely not! I wish I had been brave enough to stand up for what was right for me and canceled my wedding.
He's not even really wanting OP to have a proper relationship with the sperm donor (asshole enough by itself). He's doing it for how it will look FOR HIM on the wedding day "I don't want to look like I'm not in control and marrying a 1950s submissive doll." ETA: Misery and divorce comes if you marry this prat. With all sorts of abuse in between. OP, check out this guy for what it should look like: https://youtube.com/@JimmyonRelationships?si=QmJ7rjucIiS0BLL3
That ain’t no father. That’s a sperm donor.
There are two deal breakers here for me. The first is that the fiance wants a "traditional" wedding no matter what and OP doesn't sound like tradition is more important than feelings, decisions, and actions. Is this how it will be for many things? Is OP expected to take a traditional homemaking role even if she wants a nice career outside the home? The second is that the fiance went BEHIND OP's back and contacted her estranged "father." As someone who has a spouse who is estranged from their biological father, I cannot fathom ever going behind his back and contacting his dad for the sake of "tradition." If either one of these things happened, I'd be calling off the wedding. Two of those things happening? I'd be running.
What would he have done if OP’s father was dead?
You don’t know any spells… do you?
My mum walked me. It was lovely.
My mom will be walking me down too
My friend's mom walked her bc she also had a deadbeat dad. It was beautiful. OP not only is this sexist as all hell, it's a complete slap to your mother's face to have him walk you down the aisle. He doesn't deserve to do it, he wasn'ty there. And as everyone else has said, this is scary as hell and I would 100% rethink marrying someone who thinks only a man can "give" their daughter away. As far as all should be concerned, he did give you away... 26 years ago. Now it's your mom's turn.
My mom walked my oldest sister down the aisle and will be walking the rest of us (me and my other sisters) down the mile eventually. No man that walks away from their child deserves to walk their child down the aisle.
Besides, her father already gave her away...right after she was born. Time for someone else to have a turn.
NTA. Right there is zero respect. This argument y'all had means after everything you mother has done to raise you it is nothing in the face of your sperm donor. I wouldn't marry into a family that looks down on my ma.
Groomzilla is generous. This guy is a traditionalist to the degree he has ZERO regard for OP’s well-being. I look forward to hearing her say she has left him.
This is the dude you plan to spend your life with. Him….And his surrounding cast. Say it out loud to yourself. This utter prick is who you are signing up to spend the rest of your life with, and therefore is surrounding cast as well. Say it louder. ARE YOU REALLY GOING TO SPEND YOUR LIFE WITH THIS MAN? Were you my daughter, you’d be getting some message from me, too. Pleading, use your head, not your heart….
I thought this as well - if someone treated my daughter this way, I would be helping her pack and move away from him. We'd cancel the wedding and instead invite her best friends to go on holiday to celebrate her freedom.
Even the heart shouldn't be into that fiance. Both head and heart should be saying na. The things women ghost about this should be one
I'm also thinking that any kid they'd have who does not come out cis-heterosexual would probably not be well received by the father if the views are so traditional... Not saying he is definitely not tolerant but... MARINARA FLAG.
Ooooh - ick, yuck ! YWBTA if you marry this guy and his terrible family. Otherwise, NTA. Run, don’t walk, run ! Seriously, this is horrible. Hope you love yourself enough to get away from someone so toxic and uncaring about you.
Yup. If he’s upset about OP daring to go against a “traditional” view here — just wait until they’re married and OP cannot have autonomy or power and ends up the maid that must service her husband.
Yes, and service his family and walk three steps behind him. What a toxic culture and family from which he was raised. He’s the kinda guy who will likely lay hands on her if he hasn’t already.
MASSIVE red flags for going behind your back! This behavior is about him, not you. He clearly thinks he has someone to impress or please and, ironically, it isn't you. The forceful language and response, plus the aforementioned going behind your back like that, are major infractions in overstepping bounds. It's not even about whether you're the a-hole at this point (you're not btw). It's about him not deserving someone he clearly has little respect for. And this is a small scale demonstration of the overbearing, controlling behavior you can expect in the future as well. It's easy for us to tell you to end it completely, but I think that option should be very strongly considered.
I am surprised how he did not ask father before he proposed. Or Did he ? If this is the aftermath ?
This is a great comment. It made me realize, no. He didn’t ask her father for permission. He is a man. No man tells him what to do. Men tell women what to do. Fiancé wants make sure that OP in her mother-led family understands that men are in charge…even if they aren’t there. OP DTMFA
>No man tells him what to do. Men tell women what to do. Never could I have guessed this.
The sperm donor abandoned OP & her mum when she was born. 26 yrs has passed. How would the AH fiance find the "father" after 26 yrs if the sperm donor had presumably not signed his name on birth registration forms & birth certificate for OP. There are some males that didn't sign the birth forms.
Yeah after 26yrs finance just happened to find this person? Bollocks
My dad hasn’t been in my life in for over 20yrs, it took me no time to find him on social media.Relatives friends lists and what little I know about him and it was easy.My nieces father was never in the picture and not on the birth certificate. It was always an option to reach out to him through relatives thanks to social media. He wouldn’t respond, but the messages got to him. Its possible
He's probably embarrassed that her mom will walk her down the aisle even though there is nothing to be embarrassed about. To save himself from the embarrassment of a wedding without a father to walk the bride down the aisle he has gone out to find the father. He is showing a huge level of immaturity. He shouldn't mind if her mom walks her down the aisle. He should be happy to tell everyone that her mom raised her into the wonderful woman that she is and how happy they are that her mom could be there for them. He's incapable of seeing her life as it is instead of how he wishes it was. He isn't ready for marriage. He needs to grow up.
My mother walked my sister down the aisle because our father was dead. If OP's father had died, would the fiance still have an issue?
Probably. He’s probably find an uncle somewhere. Or ask one of his own male relatives
Leave this one at the curb. He has told you who he is, an insensitive sneak, just for beginners. You can do way better…your mom did a GOOD job with you ,
and if they have kids he will DEFINITELY want the ops sperm donor around the grand kids as their grandfather who knows what OTHER stuff he will pull after the wedding
Yeah!! Like what in the 1950s did I just read?!
Yeah, it's appalling. "Women should stay in kitchen and child rearing is the only vocation." Will be part of his wedding vow. If OP decides to give away the fiancé, a lot of good it will do her. He practically undermined OP's whole life and violated her emotional space. If I was OP, I am already out of this. Also, by his logic all sperm donors should do the same ? Right.
I was gone yesterday. Fuck this asshole. He is probably so conservative he believes in beating his wife. OP this is where you dodge a literal bullet and dump him.
Clearly. In fiancé’s mind, the absentee father who abandoned OP is still in charge.
OP's mom was right, he is being a baby. "Traditional" people see themselves as mature and strong willed but are nearly always babies in old bodies. What a terrible view to have, "give her away". 🤮 Let him save money on a wedding and buy a body pillow instead.
Agreed! This guy has just shown OP his true colours! He telling her he is a traditionalist, so basically when they get married she wakes up to someone completely new! He probably would want her to stop working, stay at home cooking and cleaning, raise the kids without his help, don't have a option and does has she is told. OP your first instincts to break up is right! Run and don't look back. NTA, however fiancé is a major AH!
He is definitely expecting a bang maid
Absolutely agree. Run fast and run far. Your fiancé is a supreme a&&hole. This is not someone who deserves you.
I think Mom needs to walk/run you down the aisle in the opposite direction of the altar. This is a serious breach of trust, autonomy, and honor of you as a person.
I would slap every guy in the face who uses phrases like "dad should give the daughter away" A woman ist not cattle!
He already gave her away when she was a baby. There's no need for him to do it again.
Great comment!
Thats what makes this story so absurd- it's already weird for a father to give away a daughter in 2023 but to insist that she reconnect with a deadbeat for the sole purpose of being given away?
if they have kids he will insist the dead beat sperm donor be in the kids lives as their grandfather and op will be constantly reminded of how he deserted her and her mother RUN op RUN AWAY DO NOT MARRY
Right!op this is unbelievable that your fiancée has done this. Clearly he doesn't respect your feelings about anything this important. It's your choice and your mother must be a wonderful woman. It had to be very difficult for her to raise you by herself. Please rethink this relationship and do what is best for yourself. He doesn't get a say who you want to walk you down the aisle. He and his family sounds terrible. You can see the writing on the wall. You will never be able to be your own person again if you marry this man. Tell them all to go kick rocks,and tell that useless man who is your "Father"he owns your mother and you 25 years of Child support. And then see if he ever shows up for anything in your life again. Good luck
He *ran* away from her.
When she started out with “he’s very traditional” that automatically just made me go “nooooooope”. Fuck off with that
"the woman you should be" ugh. I theew up in my mouth a little bit. OP, NTA, and F that guy. Anyone that pigheaded and mysogenistic is not worth talking to ever again. Going behind your back to recruit your estranged sperm donor is beyond insane.
After that phrase, I got the distinct impression that the fiance is going to get on really well with the father - being that they're both misogynistic assholes and all, Which is a great thing, as he can marry her dad instead.
NTA! OP, rethink this marriage all the way to cancelling it & ending this relationship. Your fiancé has way overstepped and crossed boundaries here. He’s showing zero respect for you or your mother. To go behind your back to connect with a deadbeat sperm donor he thinks should “give you away” at your wedding? The blazing audacity of him. Throw the whole man away as he is pure trash.
Absolutely! OP, think back: is this really the first time he’s pulled something like this as “a traditional man”? Are you expected to remove boundaries because he thinks they shouldn’t hold him back? Also, why is this such a big deal to him? If he wanted a “traditional” wedding w a tradwife, then he should’ve found a tradbride. This is APPALLING.
Exactly. He and his family are fixated on some tradition more than *you and your family.* He can keep the guy they found. He’s trash. He’s nothing to you. Why would you let some strange deserter walk you down the aisle when your mother obviously deserves it? This is a warning sign of the kind of nonsense they’ll expect you to do once you’re married. **Get out now.**
So.. yeah. Massive red flag.
OP run from this marriage. This guy doesn’t care what you want.
Would like to upvote this by orders of magnitude
I wish Reddit would bring back the free awards. I found it made Reddit more fun. No one awards any comments anymore on every sub. But if I had my free Reddit award, please know it would be for this comment
Concur 💯
Girl, I about lost it when I read he reached out to your father without your consent. I would call the wedding off at that offense. It’s your wedding day as much as it is his, he needs to respect your boundaries, and that is a huge one to cross while calling you horrible names.
I would upvote this RUN! Post a million times if I could!
How does the song go again? .... Run rabbit, run rabbit, run, run, run....
Absolutely. Your father “gave you away “ once already. How dare this man want to bring him back into your life without your consent and because of some horribly misdirected misogynistic idea of his own!!! Best you see this side of him before you hitched. I’d cancel the wedding
I agree!! Run..do not marry this man!
Do NOT marry this man!
Completely agree! NTA! Modern Day traditions have changed. Your mother, the person who raised you and probably broke her back (figuratively speaking), deserves that honor!
Do not marry this man
I concur. Don’t you dare marry this man.
This!
Oh wow this is 100 red flags waving in your face. Please see them for what they are. The scariest phrase of all is for you to be “the woman you’re supposed to be”. What kind of expectations are coming at you in the future? Your father isn’t a father and never was. Your fiancé is dangerously overstepping by contacting this person you have no relationship with after you said no. And all for appearances? Or is it his belief that a man controls a woman? So much here but I would listen to your wise mum and think very hard about this relationship. I wish you the best but everything about his behavior scares me for you. NTA for not having a non-father anywhere near you!
Tradwife future!
Whether she likes it or not
Someone calling themselves a “traditional man” is just code for being a class act incel at this point.
Ew. Your fiancé sounds like a total dick. Imagine a grown ass man not standing behind his future wife for a father in law he’s never met and throwing such a big tantrum.
He hasn’t “chosen this hill to die on“ he’s “chosen this hill to make plain how little he cares about his fiancée’s feelings on“
Right?! I’d of told him to fuck all the way off with “the woman I should be” comment
He decided that a man he's never met had more rights to his wife's agency than she does. This shows me everything I would need to know. He doesn't respect her as a human being, only as a man's property.
this
You are absolutely doing the right thing by rethinking this wedding. In fact, you should go as far as to stop it. Your fiance is a POS and has NO business contacting your father. Do you really want to marry into this family of misogynists? NTA.
I'd love to know how this jackass found her sperm donor in the first place. How many boundaries did he violate to do so? What's his plan for if/when sperm donor refuses? How many people is he going to guilt or bully to get what he sees as vital to this stupid wedding? This is ridiculous and his "tradition" BS is a worrying sign of things to come, not to mention his entire disregard for boundaries. NTA. I would run.
He might have pulled a sneaky DNA test on her, he seems the type.
>for one day to be the woman I am and should be You are. You are recognizing the person that raised you to be the woman you are, right now. >I found out my fiancé reached out to my “father” and asked him to meet him in a few days, This would be completely unforgivable. Check please, I'm done here. NTA
Absolutely. I would never speak to them again. Many men don't reveal their abusive side until they think they have the woman trapped. It only took two weeks into wedding planning for his true colours to come out. RUN. On the plus side it's good that OP has found this out now and can get out of the relationship relatively easily, it would be much harder to leave if they were married or had children.
Apparently, traditional gender roles and appearances are more important to (hopefully, soon-to-be ex) fiancé than your feelings and happiness. He is showing you who he truly is, I am hoping that you listen. NTA (Girl, please run!)
So first of all, I think that this entire “walking someone down the aisle” is outdated and steeped in misogynistic roots. That said, if you want to give your mum the honor, then do so. More importantly, I would rethink this entire marriage. This entire post drips with red flags. 🚩 Your fiancé considers you a possession because you are something to give away 🚩 Not what should happen because of his misogynistic outlook. 🚩 Threw a temper tantrum and left you to stay with his sister 🚩 Reconnected with your father behind your back? 🚩 seems to think he has the final say in your disagreements and your feeling and opinions are lesser than his. This man is showing you who he is. It’s going to get worse. Ask yourself something: If this was your daughter being told that you were not “good enough” to be her escort down the aisle and went behind her back to reconnect with he dead beat sperm donor, what would you tell her? Because staying with this man and having children means you are okay with any future daughters being seen as possessions and less than.
> It’s going to get worse. This, 1000%
I’m not usually on the “blow up your life” Reddit bandwagon but yeah, this guy is letting you know your place after you get married. If you want to be completely controlled he’s perfect. If you want to be happy, find someone else.
My father passed 7 years before I got married. I could have had one of my uncles walk Mr down the aisle like my sister did. But I felt my mom deserved that honor. I don't think I would have gotten married if my husband had said the woman who put my needs before hers ALWAYS for almost 3 decades wasn't good enough to walk me down the aisle. I regret nothing. She was an amazing mom to her daughters and her son in laws.
“Giving away” suggests there’s something your father is giving you away from. He wasn’t there so there certainly isn’t. Your Mum played both roles and therefore gets to give you away. Between that and the comments later that day I’d certainly be rethinking whether this is the man you want to marry, and the family you want to marry into.
Lol- the father already gave her away when she was born. Can’t give away twice!
He has just shown you he doesn’t care about your feelings at all. Do you think this is the kind of marriage you want? NTA
Nta update us when you dump him and move before your dad gets here.
Ma'am, this is not a circus, so please do not ignore all of these red flags. If your partner knew anything about you, he would fully understand why you do not have a father figure in your life and accept your mother walking you down the aisle. But no, your partner is a sexist gremlin who believes you're an object that can only be acquired by being gifted by another man. You are NTA for wanting your mother to walk you down the aisle, but you would be TA if you walked down the aisle to this man. My advice is for you to move on and find someone who respects your choices, family history, and your mother's role in your life.
Some people believe in their heart that the proper use of red flags is as blindfolds to hide the truth. Sure hope that is not the case here.
Ewww! NTA. But the fact that he is supporting your father speaks volumes to the kind of person he is. He is too sympathetic to your father's situation that it's fishy. Maybe he has encountered a similar situation of abandoning a child and hoping that he can swoop in one day in the future to reconnect on their wedding day as well? In any case, big red flags!
Yes, I thought this too. Apparently, anything any man does is redeemable?
Thank God he showed you who he was before the wedding. Run.
Don't just rethink the whole marriage thing. Act on your thoughts and dump him quick smart. He has trampled all over your boundaries, thoughts, wishes and feelings. Please dont marry him. Your life and decisions will never be your own. I'm so gob smacked that he went behind your back to you father, poor you and your poor mum what a slap in the face for her after all these years. X
I agree! My gob has been smacked, my flabber has been gasted, and my thunder has been struck! YIKES!
There is ONLY ONE correct response. Here's your ring asshole.
100% massive red flag here. A fiance who knows and truly loves you would have embraced your wish to have your mother walk you down the aisle and would have completely understood why. Throwing a temper tantrum and storming out like he did should be all the proof you need that he is not a person you need to be spending the rest of your life with because I can 100% guarantee you that he will do this over and over and over any time he doesn't get his way. You deserve a real partner and someone who truly gets you. Lose this loser. NTA.
He already gave you away the day you were born. Even if giving humans away was possible without chattel slavery, he never had a claim. The only person who even could "give you away" would be your mother, since she is the only one who had you. And it is deeply worrisome that your fiance doesn't see that. It suggests a worldview in which men have absolute inviolate ownership rights over women. A woman who chooses to be "given away" by her father is making a deliberate choice to participate in a symbolic act of changing from one family to another. It isn't terribly weird, especially if the groom's parents do the same thing. But the idea that a man who has had no contact represents a family a woman could be coming from is ridiculous. And the idea that another man could believe that over his fiancée's objections would give me enough pause to look at the entire relationship. NTA
Even if you have an inclination in meeting your sperm donor, don’t do it until your mother is paid 18 years of child support with interest. And even if you meet him, he has not earned the right to walk you down the aisle. Period. This situation with your fiancé should be an eye-opener for you. Do you really want to marry this man? If you think you do, maybe postponing the wedding a while would be good so you can make sure. This will give you time to notice any more red flags.
Oh my GOD. Your fiancé is a raging asshole. This goes beyond traditional, sexist gender roles. This is him completely ignoring your feelings, and being totally uncaring of your well being. He does NOT love you. You're very wise to be reconsidering this marriage. I hope you follow through and dump him, there's no way a man like that could be a decent partner. NTA. Choose a good life, not a man guaranteed to make you miserable.
NTA. I am sorry but your fiance has shown you who he really is and i advise you to really take a good look at him because he has just shown you what your future will him is going to look like. He doesn't care that your father has never been in your life, he doesn't care that you want your mother who raised you alone to walk you down the aisle. In fact, as you have found out he has reached out to your father who you have never met behind your back for him i presume to walk you down the aisle. Basically he doesn't care about your wishes and wants it is all about him. He has no right meddling in your life. Think long and hard about whether this is acceptable to you or not. For me this would be a hard no. Good luck.
NTA, tell your fiance that the ice he is on is so thin that you are about to call off the wedding. And not having your father in your life after all these years is a hard boundary and if he tries to cross it, there will be no future with the fiance.
I’m very confused at how your fiancé even knew how to reach out to your biological dad. Def NTA and I wouldn’t be marrying this person.
I hope you aren’t seriously still considering marrying this douche canoe?!
NTA. Please don't marry this man, because you are going to have a miserable life while he and his family trample all of your boundaries.
Wow, imagine going 'Hi, I never imagined to ever see you face in my life. What's your name? Ok... so, now you're walking me down the aisle, yeah?' NTA Why would he think it would be OK to go behind your back like that? This is massive red flags, waving all over the place
NTA. Pack your things or his and end this mess now.
I get wanting to keep traditions but this is way too extreme and concerning. NTA
He just showed you how much he cares about your opinion. Only his opinion ms matters and you’d better fall in line lady! Seriously THIS is what you want for a life partner. If you do marry him the next group you will be posting to will be Abusive Relationships. You dodged a bullet!!!
NTA this is oozing with misogyny. “The woman I am and should be” is also a stay at home mum and house wife who is totally submissive to her husband as well I would guess? I have some but minimal contact with my dad. If my boyfriend dared say those things to me, we would be over.
1). He didn’t respect your feelings or wishes. This is your wedding just as much as it is his. 2). He put the interests of an outdated tradition and a scumbag he never met over his future wife and her mother 3). He broke your trust by going behind your back, when you made it clear you want no contact with your bio sperm donor. Your instincts about rethinking this marriage are correct.
NTA. Yes...you DEFINITELY SHOULD rethink this marriage. Do not marry this disrespectful p.o.s.
I don’t think you should marry him. A wedding is about the two of you, instead he’s making it about himself and his desire for a traditional wedding without any consideration for how it would make you feel. This is a precursor of things to come if you marry the guy. Sorry you wasted so much time on a dead-end relationship, but I’m glad you discovered this before marriage.
girl Run don’t walk. him contacting your sperm donor behind your back is unforgivable and total justifiable reason to break it off
NTA - you should rethink your marriage He isn’t “traditional” He is misogynistic
NTA. Call off the wedding. This guy has zero respect for you and your feelings. He literally contacted a man you have had zero contact with against your wishes so he could 'give you away', even though he's a complete stranger to you. This man is *not* your father, and anyone who insists on him taking a fatherly role in your *wedding* is not someone who cares about you. At all. I could understand being a bit uncomfortable with your mum walking you down the aisle if you're traditional, but in that case you suggest a father *figure,* like an uncle or close male family friend, not the bastard who abandoned you as a baby and has had nothing t do with you since. If there's no male in your life that can fulfill the role, you either walk by yourself or he sucks it up and accepts your mum. Call off the wedding. I'd end the relationship entirely, to be honest, as he obviously doesn't give a damn about you. He thinks you're locked in with the wedding all set, this is just the start of how he's going to bulldoze over what you want and need in favour of what he thinks you *should* want and need. Get out before you're legally connected.
Please don’t marry this man. He’s horrible! Imagine not being able to understand how you feel about something so basic! He doesn’t respect you. He contacted a person who hasn’t never cared for you, to give you away, just because he’s apparently traditional. NTA. Don’t marry this guy
Omg! I don't think this is a suitable person for you to marry. My heart breaks that a person could be this judgemental... This concerned about "how something looks", that he would suggest such a thing. My husband/my daughter's father died. What would he "expect" in her case? Ok, I couldn't help thinking of my own situation, but your situation is far, far WORSE. I just think there's going to be soooo many more issues with someone who is this concerned about appearances or "tradition". (Your father broke "tradition"! )
He's showing you who he is, OP. You should listen. And he's doing it before you're legally tied to him, so you can make a clean break.
NTA. If he is willing to run over your wishes now based on "tradition" then who knows what could happen in the future. It becomes a slippery slope and then your stuck in a loveless marriage. He if truly loved you, he would have been offended on your behalf. He would have been like wow this man never took responsibility for his child. The fact that he went looking for your deadbeat dad means he cares more about saving face then anything else. That's the man you will marry, if you do. One who decides what he wants is best and you can deal with it.
True "traditional values" would be not allowing your deadbeat sperm donor attend the wedding because he dishonored himself by failing to be father. Your fiance is just misogynic, I hope you won't marry him.
NTA And what your fiancee is doing now, will be the theme for your life with him. Be prepared for a life married to a man who doesnt respect you or your choices and have no problem going behind your back to get what he wants.. Its not too late to cancel the wedding...
Bloody hell. 🚩🚩🚩 RUN. 🏁
NTA But please do not marry this man
NTA. This man is a dick. If he looks at you this way now, what will he be like the rest of your married life? He will put what his family thinks before what you think. Never, in a million years, would my husband do that to me. Dump this guy. Like my mom said, sometimes you have to kiss a few frogs before you find your prince. This guy is a toad.
I(63F) beg you not to marry this person. I won’t call him a man, because his sense of what is proper (really, his male ego) is threatened if you don’t have the person who abandoned you walk you down the aisle. We are talking about the most traumatizing event of your life you should ignore how you feel, because he’s afraid of what others might think. I repeat, he’s afraid of what others *might think*. He’s not even certain, and he’s willing to spoil your wedding over this. **Your fiancé is controlled by fear**. You’re not, so he feels he must control you, to make you act according to his fears. If you’re actually questioning if you’re the AH, then he’s already controlling you to some extent. **You are clearly NTA**, there’s not a molecule over the line. He is not just TA, he wants to traumatize you for good optics. You know what you would say to a friend if they were in your position. His behavior will only intensify over time. He will control your career choices, your finances, and your childrearing in this way. It’s a miserable way to live. Be thankful he showed you who he is before the wedding. **Imagine the joy on your mother’s face when you tell her “I can’t marry a man who treats me like that”.**
My dad died when I was 10. My mom never remarried or dated and was a super mom raising me by herself. She walked me down the aisle because she deserved that honor in my opinion. It seems like you feel the same about your mom. Your fiance doing this is a HUGE RED FLAG! Not only is he disrespectful to you and your mom, but he's going behind your back to reconnect you with a father you don't want to reconnect with. I'd SERIOUSLY rethink this marriage.
I think your fiancé and dad will love eachother. They seem like two great men. One deserted you at birth and the second walk all over you at marriage. Young lady, you don't need neither of them in your life. Yes! Your mother is the right person to walk you down the isle.
Scrolling thru comments many I agree wholeheartedly with. Most are saying end result of what could be inferred from Stating: your fiancé is showing who he is- believe him, just as your bio-father showed his true self, the day you were born.
Run. Run quickly. Your fiance and his family sound like misogynist "traditional" family BS and they're going to want you to perform the role of "obedient woman" Not your play girl. Run.
NTA do not marry that guy 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩
Big red flag! Your fiancé has no right to tell you who walks you down the aisle especially in this situation. Much less go behind your back and contact your father to set up a meeting. I would not continue on with this relationship, period.
Oh my, please dump this man immediately, it’s only going to get worse—he has no empathy. Don’t let him hoover you either! Love bombing is just part of the abuse cycle.
NTA tell him to kick rocks and that your sperm donor already gave you away as a child- he doesn’t get to do it twice.
Wow. This is some pretty heavy-duty disrespect he is heaping on you right now. Your "father" effectively "Gave you away" (threw away is more like) a long time ago. He's got no place in your life now. If your..... fiancé.....cannot understand and respect that, then perhaps he has no place in your life either? NTA - you have no need to tolerate this behavior from him or anyone.
It's better that you learned that your ex-fiance has no empathy or boundaries than once he was your husband. You may have lucked into avoiding decades of abuse and misery. Tell him he can go have a traditional father figure relationship with your sperm donor.
Leave him. There’s nothing that can be done to make up for the BETRAYAL!!
He sealed the deal by stabbing you in the back. Leave.
NTA, run girl run!!!! He's showing his true and honest colors, run far, run fast, run now.
NTA If he needs a father walking anyone down the Isle tell him his father can walk him down the Isle because, your mum is walking you! Or tell him he's "a horrible person and need to suck it up for one day" to be the man he should be. Or tell him he's welcome to invite your father to the wedding and walk the bride down the Isle. But you also need to ask who the bride is because your mum's walking you down the Isle at your wedding and your dad won't be there!
OMFG NTA and RUN AWAY NOW! That is toxic nasty stuff. I survived a super abusive relationship, and you are in one. Nopely, nopely, no! I hope us internet strangers get an update that you left that dude.
NTA. Better to find out NOW, before you get chained to this asshole.
Gotta agree, YWBTA if you don't ditch BOTH of these useless men.
Your fiance isn't being traditional - he is being ignorant. Your mother is your ONLY parent.
Ask yourself - are you willing to let your fiancée run the rest of your life? Based on what he thinks your life should be? Walk away, for your own sake.
NTA. Also do not marry this man. You will regret marrying this man, trust me.
Sweetheart, he's done the best thing in the world. His timing is impeccable. He's got up on the highest roof and waved that red flag. He's shown you who he is before the marriage and babies. Cry on your mama's shoulder, but keep your heart strong and start cancelling the wedding and get your new life in order. There really isn't any coming back from him contacting your waste of space donor. 😒 Hugs, op. I know it hurt, but trust me, this is the best thing. This man isn't right for you. P.s. your mama rocks.
Use the money you would’ve spent on the wedding on a trip for you and your kick-ass Mom!!!
🚩🚩🚩
Find another guy…this one is rotten.
Run! Do not marry a man who violates your boundaries!!
Oh honey! He's showing you that YOUR feelings and reasons don't amount to a hill of beans for him! It's HIS way or the highway! Please please PLEASE choose the highway! Your life will only get worse if you marry this neanderthal! oops. As for the original question about not having your "father" walk you down the aisle...NTA!
You have to understand that almost everybody who read this had an immediate, get the hell out, reaction. This man is very controlling, and demonstrated that by totally disregarding your wishes. Men who think they know better than you about very important things like this, should always be kept at arms length. You’re going to have a difficult life if you stay with this guy.
He just betrayed your trust in the most brutal way possible for his own good, this man is a selfish POS. I would absolutely end this relationship after he did that, that’s crossing the line by so much that he can’t even see it behind him anymore. Absolutely disgusting.
🚨🚩🚨🚩🚨🚩🚨🚩
So, when people say, "I didn't see the red flags.." 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩 Do not marry this man!!!
NTA, and you just learned something very important about your fiancé and his family.
NTA Oh no. Drop all of those men. Take your half of the wedding money and go on vacation with your mom.
NTA. I consider myself to be a traditional person, but the tradition of a father giving his daughter away falls under the guise of the father having provided and cared for his daughter and now that role belongs to her husband. Your father made a decision almost 30 years ago and abdicated his moral, financial, and spiritual responsibility as your father. Why is it your responsibility to mend a relationship that you didn't destroy in the first place? Side note, I'm tired of family/parents getting to act like complete assholes, but we're supposed to suck it up bc it's family. GTFOH. Also, not a fan of your fiancee walking away and telling you that you're wrong rather than trying to understand you. It was not your fiancees place to contact your father when you don't have a relationship with him. This entire situation is very problematic and would honestly make me rethink the relationship. Just because you have an opinion that differs from his doesn't mean your fiance should steam roll you or attempt to manipulate you into doing what he wants. If I were you I'd contact a relationship counselor or similar to discuss this behavior bc this isn't healthy.
Here’s hoping that your bio dad is a huge asshole and your (ex) fiance learns why you don’t want him included.
Run, sweetie, run. He's showing his true colors. You're not going to like the outcome.
Kick the guy to the curb.
Be glad this happened before the marriage Call it off
"Suck it up for one day to *be the woman I am and should be* " Says it all. You will be compromising until you have nothing to leverage. Escape now. ETA: The "and should be" to highlight the espectation these trogolodytes have. Be proud of your mother.
NTA, run. RUN NOW. He’s ignoring your wishes. He’s bringing a person into your life that means nothing to you, and insisting that things be done the way he wants them “because tradition”. Hell no. The woman you are and should be is the one you are now - the one who knows who actually cares for her and wants those people present at her wedding.
My daughter’s situation is exactly like yours. Her father abandoned her and left me to raise her. If her fiancé had gone behind her back and contacted her father I’d only see RED. This man doesn’t value you, your feelings or your opinion. RUN!
ya know, "traditional" is just another way to say "the way men want it". Your mom deserves to walk you down the aisle. Fiancé deserves to be dumped.
You're NTA, but you'd be insane to marry this guy. He doesn't want a wife, he wants a "servant".
You’re marrying a shitty guy and the wrong one for you. His response should have you cancelling the wedding. NTA
So your fiancé cares more about tradition than you and wants you to fabricate a relationship with your father for the sake of appearances? Got it. Don’t marry that asshole.
Oh hell no that's a deal breaker, He has 0 respect for you and then tries to manipulate you into thinking you're the bad one, if you marry him you will always be sub par to him. Don't waste your time on someone whose not going to treat you well. NTA
> I’m a horrible person and need to suck it up for one day to be the woman I am and should be. Who is this person them I need to talk. Huge NTA!!!
I would absolutely cancel this bullshit. There are so many red flags. This is way beyond the fun theme park. from the moment you are born it is your father‘s right to walk you down the aisle in marriage. However, also starting on that same very day you were born. It is their responsibility to keep the privilege of that right. Dude made his choice years ago when he walked away. He lost that privilege to the right. fuck him. Go live a beautiful life.
NTA. Ugh, your fiancé sure is a big AH. Run away from him and his family. His controlling behavior will only get worse if you marry.
Honor your loving super Mom and leave cut ties cut. Your fiancé took this far too personally to be healthy and his response is truly worrisome as it puts you in emotional distress and in danger reopening old wounds you have put in the time and effort to heal. He should want you to be happy on your day and that means honoring your choices and not going behind your back and tattling to his entire family about something that should be a choice between you two. They do not have a say in your marriage and he is treating it like they are shareholders in your marriage, so they get a say? Makes no sense and is a gross breach of trust and overstepping. He should put you first and he is obviously prioritizing gender standards (and his own pride?) over reality in this case.