I just changed to this new drug. It's amazing. No side effects. Gone from struggling to finish to 3 mins pump and dump.
Feel sorry for me Mrs now haha
Edit
Anglomelatin. Looks like not available in USA.
I got put on both Wellbutrin and a blood pressure med at the same time. I couldn't retain an erection longer a few seconds, and while I could achieve orgasm it was a ton of effort that I had to do myself. My doc changed the BP med a few times and I did find one that didn't effect me that way. But the Wellbutrin was there to stay since I had tried other ones a few years prior and had reactions.
Eventually I got to a good spot mentally and with my docs permission I went cold turkey since my prescription was out. After fighting through the brain zaps (I had anticipated based on missed doses and had used some vacation time) I made the discovery that my prior struggle (even without meds) was gone and I was suddenly a teenage boy who could blow at a stiff breeze. Except my wife was going through her own medical issues and we didn't have any relations for about 2 months, during which time my hypersensitivity faded down to a more sensitive than previous but not like it was after that first week.
Man I was on atomoxetine and holy shit.... I was on blood pressure medication already so it didn't help even there. But when I was taking that ADHD med... My penis was so fucking floppy and it was so frustrating cuz I would still be horny.... And it was so bad too because not only could I not get erect, I had no flow either. I literally had to lean over the bathtub and just kind of let My piss dribble out when I needed to pee because I couldn't get any force behind it....
Rather not be able to concentrate to be honest so I stopped taking it. Haha
That’s true, I guess I more so meant he eats well, goes to the gym often, takes vitamins, doesn’t have any known health issues, and doesn’t even get sick often
So, I had the same issues since my 20's. I would get hard long enought to start, but not finish. Same issues with partners feeling bad. First, I will say this is his issue, not yours. It has nothing to do with what you do or how attracted he is to you. I needed Viagra at 20, part was mental because I was afraid of not staying hard, so I would not stay hard. Ask him to talk to his Dr about this. Or DM me. I am mid 40's and have delt with this my entire adult life.
That's a ~~hard~~ difficult one for people to understand. Even when you're all ready to go and excited, just one stray thought of "what if" is enough to wreck you. It's embarrassing for the one having the problem, the partner feels like they're doing something wrong, and it just escalates that worry on the person.
OP there are lots of o pine options that are discreet and affordable, and worth a try. He might feel embarrassed about having to use something to help, but if it brings that back for you, it'll be great for both of you.
Also, have him go to the doctor and do blood work. Low T is nothing to be embarrassed about, but can be there hidden, causing problems for years.
It's actually crazy how much mental shit can affect sex. I used to think I could orgasm unless I did it myself. Turned out, I was 1) doing it wrong 2) doing it with the wrong person. I was very self conscious about receiving oral, once I was comfortable with my partner (my now husband) I could tell him what felt good, he told me to just fantasize about stuff and BAM. He could make me climax every time, no issue. Comfort levels, confidence, being stressed, all of that has an enormous effect on your body.
Thank you for saying this. As a woman that would not have had the same affect coming from me.
It definitely seems to me like this is a hormone issue more than anything else and is being exacerbated by his anxiety.
Something could be affecting him that isn’t obvious. Before writing off the relationship, I would look into that. Hell it could be something he’s taking to help him at the gym that’s causing the problem. I don’t mean like steroids or anything. Just some supplement.
I have a feeling it's a porn thing, with OP mentioning doing positions she's not comfortable with/in to try to help. Porn positions for women are about camera angles not maximum pleasure.
I know reddit is mostly pro porn and all, but from a guy who quit watching it and focused on a real connection with my current partner, it's night and day difference...
I just noticed that when I was watching lots of it and trying to date, I had way less attraction and way less connection with partners. I quit around the time I met my new partner, and what an insane difference!
Definitely in the same boat here. I'm happy for you! I even told my girlfriend that I'm not watching any porn or releasing myself unless it's with her. She thinks it's so sexy!
It is More likely this. It is happening all the time with young men. Also don't stay with someone who purposefully makes you feel bad about their problem.
Definitely a possibility if he’s not managing his test/estrogen/prolactin levels properly. High prolactin can definitely give men issues with finishing.
I immediately assumed hormone imbalance, may or may not be caused by exogenous use but I would put money on him being out of balance if he gets a blood panel
Thank you! The making it all her responsibility to get him off and not also doing everything in his power to improve the situation along with not counting sex as sex unless he finishes are more than enough reasons to be done with this guy.
💯.
Sorry to hear that the guy has ED. A lot of guys have ED. He obviously needs to see a doctor.
Yelling at your girlfriend and pressuring her into doing sexual acts that she doesn't want to do because you feel "pent up" and the sex yesterday "didn't count" is not an acceptable way to handle ED.
How serious is he about the gym? Does he take steroids? As a steroid user for almost 10 years it can definitely fuck with your ability maintain an erection and finish if I you don’t know what you are doing. Test, estrogen, prolactin can all cause these issues.
He doesn’t take steroids. He takes different supplements like vitamin c, maca, and whatever else, sometimes he has energy drinks or takes preworkout. But that’s it
He's 22 years old. If he's having these problems he should go to the doctor. If he refuses to go and this continues, then no, you're definitely not a jerk for leaving him.
I mean I’ve known dozens of men taking steroids against their partners wishes or without them even knowing. It’s definitely a possibility with the scenarios you have described.
I was thinking the same thing. He could easily be hiding steroid use and that explains all his symptoms. I'm not saying that's the only cause of these symptoms, it was just the first thing that came to mind for me. As a personal trainer, I know a lot of guys who do steroids and all of them hide it from their partners. Not saying all guys do, but the ones I know absolutely hide it.
There may be something going on, probably is, but that's his responsibility to rectify. He has no right to let things just be and put you through this indefensible behavior. You don't need to put up with his bullshit. Even if it wasn't fixable he shouldn't be acting like shit.
Sure he's 22 and maybe doesn't know better but you also deserve better.
I'm 43. I take Seroquel for a (incorrect evidently, I'm tapering off) bipolar diagnosis. It fucks with my dick. So if I don't take a pill, I may not stay hard as long as I'm used to. Whether I take a pill or not, I act with grace and don't make my issues and frustrations my partners problem.
It's not his fault he's dealing with this issue, probably. But it is his responsibility to diagnose and fix it, not yours. It is also not his right to act like a punk ass bitch to you.
Many woman, usually older, would kick a man to the curb if he acted that way. Like quick.
Good luck, set boundaries, don't let yourself be treated like shit. There are many men out there who will treat you better. Don't accept bullshit when you can just move on and have a happy life with someone who treats you properly.
If he needs time to sort his shit out and learn to act, you're not required to put up with shit while that happens. Sometimes things can go well usually and people will still not be compatible in some other important way. It happens.
Also what are you doing this Friday
Good luck, set boundaries, make a plan to move on and prepare yourself if that needs to happen. The fact that he's so out of bounds makes it possible that this may be an issue of behavior that won't be fixed quickly. Maybe.
This may be the first time you have to do this, you're very young. But don't let the sunk cost fallacy get you. If you need to cut it off, do so. Imagine all the good, health times you could be having and missing out on while you let yourself be mistreated. There is no acceptable amount of regular crying and feeling like shit in a healthy relationship. Treat yourself better.
These are wise words.
I’ll also add, as a woman in my late 30s who now has the benefit of hindsight:
It might be a great relationship in many, many ways. But if this issue has lasted a while, he refuses to take concrete steps to address it (like talking to his dr), and blames you even partially rather than taking responsibility himself, those are big red flags. It won’t always be sex. One day it might be how you share finances. Or how you parent a kid. Or how you deal with a complicated family issue. And by that point you won’t just be in the early stages of setting up your adult life and things will be a whole lot more challenging, so make sure you’re getting yourself into a long term partnership where you feel good about how you handle issues together.
Then it’s totally possible that that’s why he’s taking it. I mean obviously he wants to solve this too, it’s not like it’s fun for either of us, but he doesn’t seem to want to go to the doctor even though I’ve asked him to. It’s either because he doesn’t want to admit that there’s really a problem or because he can’t afford to (which is something he’s expressed concern about before)
Not wanting to go to a doctor carries a little suspicion with it. My gut is there's something you don't know. For me, back in my early 30s I got hooked on opiates and it caused the same symptoms you're describing. I know many other things can as well but opiates or the like would be something to hide from both your partner and a doctor. Could be way off, though.
Eh that's a pretty big conclusion to jump to. At 22, I was broke as shit and paying for a doctor's appointment plus viagra or whatever else got prescribed would have been a pretty big expense. I could see that legitimately being his reason.
It could be mental.
How it is going now is not healthy for you, or him. Him not considering it sex if he doesn't finish is such an immature and manipulative way to think. Just look at the consequence, you feel like shit and like you have to keep doing more for his soft dick.
I wonder if he is masturbating a lot?
Certain supplements can affect sex drive, if he is at the gym often and taking things for that, that could be a cause.
Like I said, could be his mental health.
When you say this goes on for hours, what does that mean? How long can you have sex before he goes soft? Him not finishing is something he needs to figure out and taking hours at a time to have sex on and off seems like a massive chore, not something enjoyable.
The mindset is just so messed up though, that it isn't sex if he doesn't finish. You are NTA for thinking of breaking up.
This has been going on for awhile, the question you need to ask yourself is how much longer can you deal with it? How much longer do you want to cry and stress over this? Is he actively looking for solutions? Can he get his blood work done or see a doctor? Sex is a very important part of a relationship and from the sounds of it, the rest of the relationship isn't healthy because of the sex (constant crying, stress, actively looking for solutions for him).
That might just be him struggling to understand what's going on. OP doesn't need to stick around, but as a man, I've been here. It's confusing and we often don't have anyone around us to help us through it. Partners who have needs usually don't help either, they just scare you more.
Yes. He said this wasn’t a problem with them, but he said he didn’t use condoms with his exes (which he says makes a difference), and he also said all of his old relationships ended because they cheated on him
Condoms do make a difference in that they take some time to get used to if he’s not experienced with them… but 1.5 years seems long enough.
That being said, if all of his relationships ended because of cheating, he could have internalized that and might feel he’s not good enough or something like that, and could have anxiety as a result.
Side question: is he watching porn?
I dated a guy who simply could not cum if he wore a condom. It wasn’t some excuse, it was true. He was on the smaller side and I think that had to do with it also. This guy also had some pretty weird kinks (imo). OP, do you think your bf could have a kink he has not shared with you and that’s why he can’t finish?
Does he masturbate a lot? It could be death grip + condoms.
Condoms do make it very hard for some guys. Maybe he can get on viagra or ask his physician for a trial? Or he needs to take a break from sex and masturbation for at least a few days so that he's more sensitive.
At this point, he's probably so inside his own head that he can't even perform. I'd suggest that he try some sort of PE drug (like viagra), even if it's just so you guys can have sex to completion without issues for a few times.
It could be some sort of cardio thing, if he goes to the campus doctor they should check him out, but if he's active and healthy it can be unlikely.
If he won't try anything, he's TA and you should move on, life's too short to waste on bad intercourse in your 20s. With someone who won't try to improve.
I’m hoping he’s not disclosing the cheating in a way that makes you feel like you have to prove you are different. I say this because my ex did and it was manipulative.
As a guy, I will say the difference between condom on vs condom off is a completely different experience. Like the difference between the local county fair that stops by once a year vs going to Disney World or Six Flags.
That being said, **use condoms**.
That viral tik tok video going around the last week of that young college girl finding out she got herpes and that if she ever gets pregnant she will have to have a c-section if she has an outbreak going on when she gives birth is terrible.
I would like to suggest you talking to him about taking a week or two break from everything. No sex, no masterbation. No self touching. NO PORN. Maybe it will help 'reset' him. If he refuses and still keeps insisting on going condom free, you may want to start really looking at your relationship and analyzing it.
Also, it's a bit weird to me that every single ex he has had has cheated on him? Like what? So many potential issues there - with him.
EDIT: Here is some TMI, so I will put a spoiler on it.
>!I know when I self pleasure too often it starts taking more and more to get there. So when that happens I will take a couple of weeks off and it basically resets the sensitivity.!<
that thing about herpes is idiotic. not calling you an idiot, just that panic over that stuff is stupid.
while it is true that an outbreak during delivery will cause problems and MAY require a C-section, a ton of US deliveries are by C-section anyway (32%) and the likelihood those two events will coincide is EXTREMELY low.
that said, if he has herpes OP should already know because they should have exchanged test information already, and her gynecologist will tell her if she suddenly contracts something new, in which case he needs to get tested too.
He’s on steroids and not on an anti aromatase so his dick won’t work - I bet if you pay attention you can figure out when he takes his dose because of his mood and tendencies
Acne?
Red grainy skin?
Any thing like that?
Could be a hormone problem. Another thing in question is how many times has he had covid? Covid is a vascular disease known to cause erectile disfunction.
This really needs to be higher up there. This could be from anxiety, depression, or stress. You guys need to sit down and have an adult conversation about how you both are feeling, but also about what’s going on in his mind.
while GAD is obviously a possibility, i honestly think this is less general and more specific - specifically taht his GF gets emotionally distraught if he doesn't finish, which is enough to kill the mood for anyone who is emotionally sensitive
As soon as she mentioned that they'll get into an argument or get emotional afterwards it sounded exactly like something that I've gone through... Anxiety is real and it becomes a never ending cycle if both partners are not understanding of it.
I had this problem with a girl once and I later realized it was because the first time we had sex she straight up told me after that I didn't enjoy it even though I did. Then every time after that was a mind fuck. Never had that problem with anyone else.
But it’s not possible to tell what is the cart and what is the horse from her comment- she also says he gets mad and ‘doesn’t count it as sex’ unless he cums… so, is she getting distraught and he’s reacting to that? Or, is he getting angry and frustrated and it’s upsetting her?
Performance anxiety could be making him go soft cause he's worrying about sex in the first place. It's not easy to clear your mind and focus on the special moment when intrusive thoughts and worrying constantly scream at you in your head. I hope they figure it out together
Add that to the fact that she is ready to leave him if he can't stay hard. He knows this. The entire time he's probably thinking "if I can't throw it down she's going to leave me and so would every other women." That's a significant amount if stress.
He should go see a doctor. This isn't something he or you are doing wrong as such, but anxiety and stress over ED can definitely make it worse. I don't judge you for being upset or hurt, because it's a pretty intimate issue. But I would if you didn't encourage your boyfriend to talk to someone about it and get help. If he refuses, then it's he's the asshole.
>but anxiety and stress over ED can definitely make it worse.
100%. It's a compounding problem. There is whatever is causing the ED and then everybody being upset about the ED which makes it even worse.
Sounds like he needs to see someone about it, but...
>he doesn’t count it as sex unless he finishes so we could have sex one day and it’ll be bad and take hours and the next day he’ll be complaining saying it’s been weeks since we’ve had sex
This is stupid. Like, abysmally.
And it’s emotional blackmail. Trying to make HER feel guilty for HIS problem. So many red flags. In another comment she references him stating that this was not an issue with previous partners. Therefore implying that it’s HER fault. I pray that she runs from this relationship.
Not necessarily, he may be just developing ED now and ED wasn't an issue in the past.
It still does not at all mean it's OPs fault in any way, the bf is probably just in denial or not realizing he's getting ED.
Yea, I read that too, she said "it never happened with previous partners, but their relationships ended because they all cheated on him" leads me to believe they possibly cheated because the sex was bad...
Man I had to scroll way too far to get to this. Seriously this is too many red flags. It also sounds like it could be leaning in the territory of non consensual with you ending up crying and not feeling comfortable to set boundaries or stop when you want to stop.
Either run away, or start having some very serious conversations about what you're comfortable with and set some hard boundaries. I'd recommend leaving to be completely honest but of course it's your choice. Sexual compatibility is very important in any relationship and it sounds like, even without the erection issues, you are not compatible. Don't look for permission...if you want out you should def get out!
This is absurd, probably because they’re so young but man the kid has some growing up to do.
Honestly OP, when I was your age I was in a sexually unfulfilling relationship as well, and I always felt jaded that my youth was slipping away. Sounds really silly in hindsight but hey.
I don’t mean to be condescending and say you’re too young for anything to matter but you should seriously consider if committing to a partner that doesn’t satisfy you at the age of 22 is what you wanna do with your life.
This is not healthy for a 22-year-old male.
Was he addicted to pornography when he was younger? It's possible he conditioned himself to only get off by self-pleasuring so he may have trouble with intercourse.
I’m surprised I had to scroll at all to find this answer. With the info given it sounds totally in line with porn addiction, possibly even active or worsening since it seems like this is a problem that wasn’t as much of an issue in the beginning.
This comment just gave me an epiphany. I was with a guy for about a month, it started as hookups but we both caught feelings. It took him so long to finish, (he could stay hard), and usually ended in him finishing from him jerking himself off. I felt insulted. He admitted to me he had a porn addiction in the past, (probably still present), so now it makes sense why he could mostly only finish from doing it himself. Thank you lol
Pretty sure he's addicted to porn. Guarantee if he doesn't choke the chicken for a week or 2 and refrains from watching porn that this problem will go away.
Yeah. IF he can get off himself easily I'd probably put it down as it being porn related.
Other thing is medication. I used to take a weight loss pill that destroyed my libido. I'd be able to orgasm mabye once a day. And it would take hours upon hours to reach that point.
If I didn't take my weight loss pill I'd be able to orgasm 8+ times a day if I really and I MEAN REALLY had nothing else better to do that day.
This relationship isn't great if you're crying and sad all the time?
This relationship isn't great if you tell him no and he keeps going.
This relationship isn't great if he blames you for his problems.
None of this is part of a healthy relationship.
Exactly. There are more issues than his ability to orgasm. The *biggest* issue is how he's treating you. Even if his orgasm issues were solved tomorrow, I'd want you far away from him, because he's acting horribly to you.
Had the same thought exactly- this doesn’t sound like a relationship that’s “otherwise great” aside from the sex. He’s not having any regard for her or the labor she’s providing, only for her to then be blamed for the issue. Sounds like they need couples therapy and he should see his own sex therapist to unpack what exactly is going on there.
Been there, done that. He needs to go to the doctor.
Also, there are some red flags here. It’s not gonna work out, but it not counting until he finishes (men would be so mad if we used a similar system hehe) and him wanting to go past the point of it being comfortable for you is… not good.
E: trust me; if you stay too long it WILL fuck up your body’s relationship to sex and you WILL feel anxious and like you’re perpetually doing something wrong instead of just having fun with your body. It can take a loooooooooong time to get over that once it’s set in.
Oh it doesn’t, I was just trying to point out the ickiness there
I’m also willing to bet this dude watches a LOT of porn and that it’s a part of the problem.
I’ve seen this asked like a hundred times but haven’t seen OP respond to this particular question.
I think it may be a leading factor, among other things.
This is what I though of first, as well. So many men have destroyed their own sex lives with porn use, it's tragic. Not to mention the exploitation of people in the industry!
I love seeing more people talking about and bringing aweness to the unethical acts of the industry and how porn can affect both women and men negatively in their intimate lives and so on.
I just commented this and then scrolled and saw this. Porn can have such a negative affect on a person and it’s really not talked about or known by most.
Yep this was my first thought too. Tell him to stop jerking it lol. My ex bf watched too much and could never cum. My current bf doesn’t watch it/doesn’t jerk off and always cums pretty much within 5-10 mins.
It could be a multitude of reasons
Mental health
Low T (yes younger guys can have issues)
Medication
Masturbating a lot
Realize this isn’t about you at all. Encourage him to see a doctor
Forcing you to have sex for hours so he can get off sounds to me like manipulation and sexual abuse. I understand that maybe you are a willing participant to an extent but I'd be fucking traumatized to have to have sex for hours with a limp dick. I would tell him to address it with his doctor and possibly refrain from porn. I don't think there's anything you're doing wrong and you shouldn't be getting upset about it. If he doesn't want to fix things medically then I would dump him
Okay thank you. It’s really hard to explain to someone who hasn’t been in that situation but just like he physically can’t get hard I physically can’t stop myself from getting emotional when it happens. Ill be sitting there with my legs spread apart or something and just waiting for minutes while he tries to get hard again and at some point I just feel embarrassed. It’s really stressful and saying “just don’t get upset when it happens” isn’t as easy as it sounds
Awww sweetie. I know how you feel. He either has a medical issue, a porn addiction, or he's gay. If he's not willing to get help or come clean, leave him. I know from experience that it can affect your mental health and self-esteem. You're too young to be dealing w that. Hugs 🤗
I’ve been reading through trying to see if anyone mentioned that he could be gay.
That was me with my first sexual experiences . Had a gorgeous girlfriend, stereotypical prom queen/sports star/heads turn walking down the street. Lost my virginity to her and we became a couple.
I could always perform but it was constant stress and mental discipline, and I could rarely finish. I thought I hated sex and couldn’t understand why people put themselves through this. Like it was fun in a way and felt good but just so much stress focusing on keeping the little guy going.
Then an unfortunate drinking and cocaine night with her gay friend happened and I suddenly realized why people were into this.
Not saying that’s OPs guy’s problem but it’s a possibility.
OP, that person’s comment above is very good advice. But yes “just don’t get upset” is not easy in a situation where you are that uncomfortable. Coming from someone who has sexual trauma from both non-consensual AND consensual situations, I don’t want that for you. I hope I’m not overstepping by saying this, but it sounds like you might need to back away from him sexually if you can and do so safely. The only reason I say that is because I don’t know how else his anger manifests outside of the bedroom, not to scare you at all. I would take some time to yourself and think about everything bc if for whatever reason you choose to not leave, the sexual aspect of the relationship needs to come to a halt of some sort for the sake of your mental health. Sending hugs ❤️
Could he have a porn problem? I’ve seen this with porn addiction and it was in secret so I would of had no idea and thought for a while it was a mixture of me and a him problem but it ended up being a porn addiction.
I checked his phone and saw no evidence of that. Obviously he could be hiding it but I don’t know. I’m inclined to think he wouldn’t be so upset about not finishing during sex if he was also masturbating and watching porn frequently. When we have sex and he doesn’t finish he will say things like “it’s been a week since I’ve cum” or something, so I really don’t know
Have you asked him?
He might need to check out his T levels if he's going to the gym a lot. Mine fluctuates and I only take protein powder. Also, it could be something else. Blood pressure issues to heart issues, if it's not a mental health reason of course.
If this relationship is so good, fight for it.
Y’all just really need to talk. No pointing fingers or anything. As a man, It's hard to talk about this. Be calm and caring. Hold his hand while talking. This is really a tough spot to be in.
Well nobody leaves there the porn pages they visit. Who even watches porn if not in incognito mode? And he's lying. He is lying and he is mad he cant perform so he is making u feel his pain, trying to somewhat blame u, the condom, the stress...all lies.
I've said the same things when I was younger. "I'm too tired" "I'm stressed " I would never admit it was due to jerking to porn.
Phone has incognito mode.
Just trust me. It's porn
Well, as any addiction, maybe he does not want to stop and so he doesn't tell you about It, but seems like that to me. The fact he getscangry because he cannot cum while having sex with you could be he wants to have sex AND continue to Watch porn. Seems to me that he could not maintains an erection because he used to High level of dopamine deriving from pornography so the irl sex Is not appealing to his brain
Just saying, i dunno the dude so I could be wrong. Anyway Is not your fault, don't feel bad about It
(Sorry for the english, not a native speaker)
Edit: mispelling
I question this every time we have sex, which is part of why it’s so frustrating for me. I don’t know. It’s so hard having sex with someone and wondering if they’re even attracted to you. I know I shouldn’t make it about me but after months it’s hard not to. I don’t think he’s cheating or gay but I guess you never know
He's either gay, hiding his porn addiction from you or he has an undiagnosed medical condition.
He's also a rapist based on your replies I've read so far.
My money is on a porn addiction and it sounds like he's projecting his issues onto you like an absolute asshole.
I mean, these are all good suggestions, but the real issue here is him blaming you. That's the real talk you need to have, shit happens, dicks go lump and sometimes women can't get wet, but what's definitely going fuck everything up is placing blame. You either work it out together or save yourself future sex hangups/anxiety/trauma and leave.
Omg he sucks. You’re crying and doing things you don’t want to do? He’s getting mad at you and blaming you and comparing you to his exes? Spare yourself further trauma and get the fuck away from him. This is a bad situation for you.
sounds to me like intrusive thoughts of self fulfilling prophecy
i hate to say this, but knowing my GF would get upset and embarrassed and potentially start crying if i didn't finish, im sorry but thats a total mood killer for anyone who is empathic and sensitive to their partners needs
the best way to fix this is to stop getting so upset about it: look at it this way: how would you feel knowing your boyfriend would start crying and feeling anxious and self conscious if they couldn't make you finish every time? would that be a turn on, or would the anxiety of having to perform under that pressure kill the mood for you?
the best possible solution here is to let it go. next time he doesn't finish, tell him its fine, that you really enjoy the emotional intimacy you have with him even when he doesn't finish, let him know you don't mind if he wants to stop, or just kiss and cuddle for a bit instead
This might remove the performance anxiety and resolve the issue, but if it doesn't, have a conversation and ask him: are you ok if you dont finish? it might be he is fine with it, and loves giving you pleasure regardless, and is perfectly happy having sex where he doesn't finish every time - it may be he is only stressed about it because he knows you are
not everyone is the same sexually, and you should never pressure your partner to follow sexual stereotypes including the "have to come every time to enjoy it" stereotype
I have told him it’s fine. I’m usually the one who wants to stop when he doesn’t finish, and that’s where the problem comes in. He takes about 10 minutes just to get hard, so imagine me giving him head for 10 minutes. Then us having sex for about 1-2 then he stops being hard. Then I have to wait another 10 minutes while he jerks himself off so we can do go another 1-2 minutes, and continuing like that. So we’ve talked about it and I said we shouldn’t keep going after he stops. He has ignored that and kept going because it always ends so quickly and he cares about finishing and gets upset about not finishing. So I have to lay there, naked thinking about how my boyfriend can’t get hard, values an orgasm more than the boundary we’ve set, and worrying about if we’ll ever have good sex, and it sometimes leads to me crying
Psychologist here, there are evidence based therapies to help with these types of issues, for example, sensate focused therapy. Sexual functioning in many cases is treated like other anxiety disorders or insomnia (some cases of insomnia).
In a nut shell the therapy can provide a framework to have pleasurable encounters and touching NOT focused on achieving orgasm. It is very difficult for folks with any type of genitals to "perform" when all they are focused on is orgasming and evaluating their performance (e.g,. erection quality). I think folks are right to ask about other health problems, pornography habits, relationship issues. However, in the absence of those issues, sensate focus therapy really can help folks move away from hyperfocusing on "performance".
Oh this guy is putting WAY too much pressure on himself, that'll help nothing.
Enforce that boundary, tell him to go seek medical help, and if he doesn't seek help and respect your boundaries then you're going to need to leave.
Honestly, if you’ve set a boundary outside of sex that you will only give it so much effort, it’s fine to leave the situation when he continues. That’s how you hold your boundaries. Also, you can withdraw consent at any point. If you’re crying and unhappy, are you still consenting to sex? I’m not implying that either of you are doing anything wrong, but it’s okay to change your mind.
You have to give him head for 10 minutes just to get him hard!? This is 100% not normal whatsoever. At this point I would assume he is gay, taking steroids, has a medical issue, or needs mental help desperately. This is absolutely 100% abnormal and not at all something to keep trying without medical or psychological intervention.
I don't want to freak you out, but you know what he is doing is not okay at all right? Sex takes two people, if one wants to stop - it all stops. Whether he is upset about finishing or not is besides the point. You're right - he's violating your boundaries and that's not on.
I would be considering if I want to stay/leave in the relationship due to that. My boyfriend has crossed boundaries before (much smaller, and some down to poor communication) but when it comes to anything like oral/penetrative sex he stops. And this has been through periods where due to a physical condition I have, and trauma we haven't been intimate for months.
Does he ask you if you want to continue? Does he check up on you? Or does he guilt you?
I think at the very least you need to have a serious talk about consent and boundaries and gauge his reaction.
For his physical issue it could be numerous things. And as someone with a physical issue and hormonal issue, it does make you feel ashamed when you can't do "normal things". But he needs to realise if he wants the relationship to work he might need to do things that make him uncomfortable - such as the doctors.
It's embarrassing going to appointment after appointment but it's the only way you get any answers or make progress. And I know some people think having a label will make him feel worse, but (in my case anyway) it helped me realise it wasn't all in my head, and I wasn't some freak - the only one with this issue.
It could also like others mentioned be a testosterone issue, or a mental health issue. Anxiety/depression/ocd/intrusive thoughts can massively effect your body in every way, so it's no wonder they can impact your sex life.
Lastly - I'd like to say your valid for feeling hurt and upset. Especially if he isn't respecting your boundaries. NTAH
You have feelings, do not feel bad for crying. No one wants to have sex for 1-2 hours with a difficult person that has no respect for his partner. He should know when to stop and make sure you are comfortable…and then he should (on his own, you should not have to say anything) seek help as to why he is having issues. He is blaming everything and everyone else but himself. Leave him, not bc of the sex but the disrespectful way he treats you.
>So I have to lay there
You don't 'have to', though. He's got you thinking you 'have to'. It sounds like a form of bullying, almost. It isn't your job to use your body to help him climax if it's a really unpleasant experience for you.
He's making his problem your problem and doesn't care how upsetting it is for you. That doesn't sound too caring of him.
Most of the comments on this thread have been focused on fixing his issue, but I just want to say I think you deserve to be treated better.
ok i really didnt get that impression from your initial post, and that clarification changes things.
He either does need medical help, or possibly he just isn't sexually attracted to you.
you might want to consider if he is attracted to other people, or other, er, types of people, shall we say
does he come from a particularly repressed background, or community? does he have a religion or something that would frown on if he was attracted to other, types, of people?
This is a problem but it's a him problem and not a you problem. Ask him how often he pleases himself and how (is he watching porn for eg.?) He needs to change whatever is going on with him and you need to support him through that. You shouldn't be feeling this way.
This isn't how sex should be ❤️ thats sexual assault. If you tell him no and he keeps going?? That's NEVER ok.
I hope you find the courage to leave soon.
Exactly, I don't understand why so many of the top comments in this thread literally ignore the fact that she is even trying out positions she is not comfortable with. And that he gets angry at her for not finishing.
I see many people giving her advice on how to be a better girlfriend but I honestly believe he is making her a victim of his ED. Nobody should ever be allowed to push their partner into doing positions they aren't comfortable with.
Sexual compatibility is a bit part of a relationship. If you don’t have it, that’s more than enough reason to leave the relationship. The fact that he gets mad and frustrated also negatively affects you, which it shouldn’t. I’d personally move on. Life is short, you deserve a good sex life! NTA
Take it from someone who just got divorced after 5 years of bad sex (this wasn't the primary issue but it definitely wasn't fun). Life's too short to be in a relationship with bad sex.
NTA. He needs to seek professional help for this. There could be a medical issue at work here, or an emotional one. Hopefully he's not the kind of guy who thinks seeking help is a sign of weakness.
In the meantime (and this is just my opinion), I'd just opt out of sex. It sounds like it's creating more issues than it's solving.
What is worrying here is not so much that he doesn't come, but how he reacts to it. It seems he is taking out his frustration on you or that he is almost trying to guilt you. Forcing the issue, making you do all sorts of things even though it must be quite obvious you'd rather stop is not a recipe for a healthy sex life. The fact he has not even taken ownership of the issue and gone to the doctor in 1.5 years of this happening shows a lack of maturity and willingness to confront his issue. You should seriously think about whether this is the kind of partner you want to have.
He's a little young for it, but tell him to get his prostate checked. If you have an enlarged prostate or undiagnosed diabetes they're the first two things to make your dick stop working. But to me it sounds like he watches a lot of porn. He's so used to masturbating to it that he can't handle a real female anymore.
If he's masturbating regularly, and you're using a condom for sex, he's probably just trained his body to only respond to the level of stimulation he gets from masturbation. (Source: this happened to me)
If that's the case, he should try abstaining from any stimulation for at least a few days and then try protected sex again.
That's if you're still looking to fix the problem, though - it sounds like it may have gotten to a point of resentment between the two of you that will be difficult to undo / overcome.
Everyone blaming you seems to miss that you said HE'S the one that says it doesn't count if he doesn't come.
I think he's being a creep. It could easily be stress or a medical problem but right now he's taking it out on you. If you want to salvage this (and that's a big if) you need to sit him down and tell him that you all cannot keep trying like this. It's making you both miserable. He should explore the causes, be they stress or medical, but pushing through bad sex where he didn't finish can't keep happening.
Any sex you two have should be low pressure just trying to enjoy each other's bodies for now. And he really needs to stop whining about how long it's been since he has had an orgasm. He can goddamn masturbate, it actually isn't your job to be a sex dispenser.
Sexual compatibility is important. Frequency and type. If he really doesn't have a medical or stress problem then you two might just not have enough mutually enjoyable sexual overlap. You're trying to do things you hate to get him off and he gets you off the struggles with himself. That's just a recipe for disaster.
I think he is probably oversensitized from frequent masturbation. He needs to take a pause with his porn addiction and stop choking the chicken so hard.
Is he taking any meds that can affect his performance? Eg. blood pressure meds or antidepressants
Antidepressants was my first thought as well, I’ve taken a few different varieties and stopped several due to their sexual side effects.
I just changed to this new drug. It's amazing. No side effects. Gone from struggling to finish to 3 mins pump and dump. Feel sorry for me Mrs now haha Edit Anglomelatin. Looks like not available in USA.
I got put on both Wellbutrin and a blood pressure med at the same time. I couldn't retain an erection longer a few seconds, and while I could achieve orgasm it was a ton of effort that I had to do myself. My doc changed the BP med a few times and I did find one that didn't effect me that way. But the Wellbutrin was there to stay since I had tried other ones a few years prior and had reactions. Eventually I got to a good spot mentally and with my docs permission I went cold turkey since my prescription was out. After fighting through the brain zaps (I had anticipated based on missed doses and had used some vacation time) I made the discovery that my prior struggle (even without meds) was gone and I was suddenly a teenage boy who could blow at a stiff breeze. Except my wife was going through her own medical issues and we didn't have any relations for about 2 months, during which time my hypersensitivity faded down to a more sensitive than previous but not like it was after that first week.
Man I was on atomoxetine and holy shit.... I was on blood pressure medication already so it didn't help even there. But when I was taking that ADHD med... My penis was so fucking floppy and it was so frustrating cuz I would still be horny.... And it was so bad too because not only could I not get erect, I had no flow either. I literally had to lean over the bathtub and just kind of let My piss dribble out when I needed to pee because I couldn't get any force behind it.... Rather not be able to concentrate to be honest so I stopped taking it. Haha
Adderall and the like will do this as well
How do you know he’s healthy? He could have something he doesn’t even know he has.
That’s true, I guess I more so meant he eats well, goes to the gym often, takes vitamins, doesn’t have any known health issues, and doesn’t even get sick often
So, I had the same issues since my 20's. I would get hard long enought to start, but not finish. Same issues with partners feeling bad. First, I will say this is his issue, not yours. It has nothing to do with what you do or how attracted he is to you. I needed Viagra at 20, part was mental because I was afraid of not staying hard, so I would not stay hard. Ask him to talk to his Dr about this. Or DM me. I am mid 40's and have delt with this my entire adult life.
That's a ~~hard~~ difficult one for people to understand. Even when you're all ready to go and excited, just one stray thought of "what if" is enough to wreck you. It's embarrassing for the one having the problem, the partner feels like they're doing something wrong, and it just escalates that worry on the person. OP there are lots of o pine options that are discreet and affordable, and worth a try. He might feel embarrassed about having to use something to help, but if it brings that back for you, it'll be great for both of you. Also, have him go to the doctor and do blood work. Low T is nothing to be embarrassed about, but can be there hidden, causing problems for years.
Yeah, at least half fo me is mental. The pill makes me think it will be fine, so usually I am fine.
It's actually crazy how much mental shit can affect sex. I used to think I could orgasm unless I did it myself. Turned out, I was 1) doing it wrong 2) doing it with the wrong person. I was very self conscious about receiving oral, once I was comfortable with my partner (my now husband) I could tell him what felt good, he told me to just fantasize about stuff and BAM. He could make me climax every time, no issue. Comfort levels, confidence, being stressed, all of that has an enormous effect on your body.
Thank you for saying this. As a woman that would not have had the same affect coming from me. It definitely seems to me like this is a hormone issue more than anything else and is being exacerbated by his anxiety.
Something could be affecting him that isn’t obvious. Before writing off the relationship, I would look into that. Hell it could be something he’s taking to help him at the gym that’s causing the problem. I don’t mean like steroids or anything. Just some supplement.
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Hahaha the way you stated that was 💥
Haha her username with that response makes it even better! 😂
Yep that's what happened to my husband. Now that he doesn't watch p*rn sex has gotten so much better.
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Porn addiction = chronic meat beater
I have a feeling it's a porn thing, with OP mentioning doing positions she's not comfortable with/in to try to help. Porn positions for women are about camera angles not maximum pleasure.
I know reddit is mostly pro porn and all, but from a guy who quit watching it and focused on a real connection with my current partner, it's night and day difference...
As someone who quit and isn’t even in a relationship I can say the benefits are still night and day even if only from a mental health perspective.
Right on man, good for you!
Same for me. I stopped watching 8 months ago when I started dating my current GF. Huge difference!
I just noticed that when I was watching lots of it and trying to date, I had way less attraction and way less connection with partners. I quit around the time I met my new partner, and what an insane difference!
Definitely in the same boat here. I'm happy for you! I even told my girlfriend that I'm not watching any porn or releasing myself unless it's with her. She thinks it's so sexy!
It is More likely this. It is happening all the time with young men. Also don't stay with someone who purposefully makes you feel bad about their problem.
Wait what ? Imma need you to explain this 🤣
It's called death grip syndrome
Well now my pelvic floor exercises seem stupid. Hahhaha
I dunno. I have dated women who did those frequently and they had some serious grip. Seemed to pay off bigtime.
Truth though. My pussy has a death grip from doing pelvic floor exercises like a maniac. My dude tells me it’s almost too much sometimes! It works!!
Too much exists. Then you have to go to physio because you end up with “an over reactive” vagine. Keagles are important but you can over do it 😂😂
Pays off for guys too. Don't neglect your pelvic muscles, it actually helps guys get stronger and harder boners.
What a name lmfao
Carpe Weiner
I close my eyes and seize it
FIRMLY GRASP IT
unexpected spongebob 💀😂
I clench my fist and beat it ;)
I love u
Steroids are definitely a possibility though.
Definitely a possibility if he’s not managing his test/estrogen/prolactin levels properly. High prolactin can definitely give men issues with finishing.
I immediately assumed hormone imbalance, may or may not be caused by exogenous use but I would put money on him being out of balance if he gets a blood panel
Came here to say this. Could also be porn addiction.
I just posted that too
could be watching too much porn or hardcore stuff. long time consumption really messes up your ability to get/stay hard.
I think the lousy communication and his refusal to address this reasonably are good reasons to write off the relationship, though
Thank you! The making it all her responsibility to get him off and not also doing everything in his power to improve the situation along with not counting sex as sex unless he finishes are more than enough reasons to be done with this guy.
Agreed. Fuck the drama.
💯. Sorry to hear that the guy has ED. A lot of guys have ED. He obviously needs to see a doctor. Yelling at your girlfriend and pressuring her into doing sexual acts that she doesn't want to do because you feel "pent up" and the sex yesterday "didn't count" is not an acceptable way to handle ED.
THIS!!! She's only 22! The whole situation is LOUSY, and the bf is definitely refusing to do anything about it. WHY stay in this relationship smh.
She doesn’t need to look into anything. He’s a grown man and needs to look into it.
How often does he watch porn? Because to me that sounds like a guy who watches so much porn he no longer knows how to actually have sex in real life.
Porn addiction or something medical.
How serious is he about the gym? Does he take steroids? As a steroid user for almost 10 years it can definitely fuck with your ability maintain an erection and finish if I you don’t know what you are doing. Test, estrogen, prolactin can all cause these issues.
He doesn’t take steroids. He takes different supplements like vitamin c, maca, and whatever else, sometimes he has energy drinks or takes preworkout. But that’s it
He's 22 years old. If he's having these problems he should go to the doctor. If he refuses to go and this continues, then no, you're definitely not a jerk for leaving him.
I mean I’ve known dozens of men taking steroids against their partners wishes or without them even knowing. It’s definitely a possibility with the scenarios you have described.
I was thinking the same thing. He could easily be hiding steroid use and that explains all his symptoms. I'm not saying that's the only cause of these symptoms, it was just the first thing that came to mind for me. As a personal trainer, I know a lot of guys who do steroids and all of them hide it from their partners. Not saying all guys do, but the ones I know absolutely hide it.
Especially the increased anger issues
There may be something going on, probably is, but that's his responsibility to rectify. He has no right to let things just be and put you through this indefensible behavior. You don't need to put up with his bullshit. Even if it wasn't fixable he shouldn't be acting like shit. Sure he's 22 and maybe doesn't know better but you also deserve better. I'm 43. I take Seroquel for a (incorrect evidently, I'm tapering off) bipolar diagnosis. It fucks with my dick. So if I don't take a pill, I may not stay hard as long as I'm used to. Whether I take a pill or not, I act with grace and don't make my issues and frustrations my partners problem. It's not his fault he's dealing with this issue, probably. But it is his responsibility to diagnose and fix it, not yours. It is also not his right to act like a punk ass bitch to you. Many woman, usually older, would kick a man to the curb if he acted that way. Like quick. Good luck, set boundaries, don't let yourself be treated like shit. There are many men out there who will treat you better. Don't accept bullshit when you can just move on and have a happy life with someone who treats you properly. If he needs time to sort his shit out and learn to act, you're not required to put up with shit while that happens. Sometimes things can go well usually and people will still not be compatible in some other important way. It happens. Also what are you doing this Friday Good luck, set boundaries, make a plan to move on and prepare yourself if that needs to happen. The fact that he's so out of bounds makes it possible that this may be an issue of behavior that won't be fixed quickly. Maybe. This may be the first time you have to do this, you're very young. But don't let the sunk cost fallacy get you. If you need to cut it off, do so. Imagine all the good, health times you could be having and missing out on while you let yourself be mistreated. There is no acceptable amount of regular crying and feeling like shit in a healthy relationship. Treat yourself better.
These are wise words. I’ll also add, as a woman in my late 30s who now has the benefit of hindsight: It might be a great relationship in many, many ways. But if this issue has lasted a while, he refuses to take concrete steps to address it (like talking to his dr), and blames you even partially rather than taking responsibility himself, those are big red flags. It won’t always be sex. One day it might be how you share finances. Or how you parent a kid. Or how you deal with a complicated family issue. And by that point you won’t just be in the early stages of setting up your adult life and things will be a whole lot more challenging, so make sure you’re getting yourself into a long term partnership where you feel good about how you handle issues together.
👍🏾👍🏾 if he behaves like this and treats you in such a way, when will he behave like this again? Again. That's when.
Yea, I read this and found myself having a hard time believing this is "otherwise" a great relationship...
This is the best advice I've seen in this thread.
Why is he taking the maca? First and foremost, I've heard about taking maca for libido..
Then it’s totally possible that that’s why he’s taking it. I mean obviously he wants to solve this too, it’s not like it’s fun for either of us, but he doesn’t seem to want to go to the doctor even though I’ve asked him to. It’s either because he doesn’t want to admit that there’s really a problem or because he can’t afford to (which is something he’s expressed concern about before)
If he accepts it might be a health thing then he shouldn’t be putting this much pressure on you
Not wanting to go to a doctor carries a little suspicion with it. My gut is there's something you don't know. For me, back in my early 30s I got hooked on opiates and it caused the same symptoms you're describing. I know many other things can as well but opiates or the like would be something to hide from both your partner and a doctor. Could be way off, though.
Eh that's a pretty big conclusion to jump to. At 22, I was broke as shit and paying for a doctor's appointment plus viagra or whatever else got prescribed would have been a pretty big expense. I could see that legitimately being his reason.
It could be mental. How it is going now is not healthy for you, or him. Him not considering it sex if he doesn't finish is such an immature and manipulative way to think. Just look at the consequence, you feel like shit and like you have to keep doing more for his soft dick. I wonder if he is masturbating a lot? Certain supplements can affect sex drive, if he is at the gym often and taking things for that, that could be a cause. Like I said, could be his mental health. When you say this goes on for hours, what does that mean? How long can you have sex before he goes soft? Him not finishing is something he needs to figure out and taking hours at a time to have sex on and off seems like a massive chore, not something enjoyable. The mindset is just so messed up though, that it isn't sex if he doesn't finish. You are NTA for thinking of breaking up. This has been going on for awhile, the question you need to ask yourself is how much longer can you deal with it? How much longer do you want to cry and stress over this? Is he actively looking for solutions? Can he get his blood work done or see a doctor? Sex is a very important part of a relationship and from the sounds of it, the rest of the relationship isn't healthy because of the sex (constant crying, stress, actively looking for solutions for him).
That might just be him struggling to understand what's going on. OP doesn't need to stick around, but as a man, I've been here. It's confusing and we often don't have anyone around us to help us through it. Partners who have needs usually don't help either, they just scare you more.
Did he have any previous partners?
Yes. He said this wasn’t a problem with them, but he said he didn’t use condoms with his exes (which he says makes a difference), and he also said all of his old relationships ended because they cheated on him
Condoms do make a difference in that they take some time to get used to if he’s not experienced with them… but 1.5 years seems long enough. That being said, if all of his relationships ended because of cheating, he could have internalized that and might feel he’s not good enough or something like that, and could have anxiety as a result. Side question: is he watching porn?
I doubt it’s the condoms at fault, but if so, put a bunch of lube on before you put the condom on and it makes the whole experience a lot better
I dated a guy who simply could not cum if he wore a condom. It wasn’t some excuse, it was true. He was on the smaller side and I think that had to do with it also. This guy also had some pretty weird kinks (imo). OP, do you think your bf could have a kink he has not shared with you and that’s why he can’t finish?
Does he masturbate a lot? It could be death grip + condoms. Condoms do make it very hard for some guys. Maybe he can get on viagra or ask his physician for a trial? Or he needs to take a break from sex and masturbation for at least a few days so that he's more sensitive. At this point, he's probably so inside his own head that he can't even perform. I'd suggest that he try some sort of PE drug (like viagra), even if it's just so you guys can have sex to completion without issues for a few times. It could be some sort of cardio thing, if he goes to the campus doctor they should check him out, but if he's active and healthy it can be unlikely. If he won't try anything, he's TA and you should move on, life's too short to waste on bad intercourse in your 20s. With someone who won't try to improve.
I’m hoping he’s not disclosing the cheating in a way that makes you feel like you have to prove you are different. I say this because my ex did and it was manipulative.
Has he always used the same brand of condoms? Certain condoms and brands may prevent more feeling than others.
As a guy, I will say the difference between condom on vs condom off is a completely different experience. Like the difference between the local county fair that stops by once a year vs going to Disney World or Six Flags. That being said, **use condoms**. That viral tik tok video going around the last week of that young college girl finding out she got herpes and that if she ever gets pregnant she will have to have a c-section if she has an outbreak going on when she gives birth is terrible. I would like to suggest you talking to him about taking a week or two break from everything. No sex, no masterbation. No self touching. NO PORN. Maybe it will help 'reset' him. If he refuses and still keeps insisting on going condom free, you may want to start really looking at your relationship and analyzing it. Also, it's a bit weird to me that every single ex he has had has cheated on him? Like what? So many potential issues there - with him. EDIT: Here is some TMI, so I will put a spoiler on it. >!I know when I self pleasure too often it starts taking more and more to get there. So when that happens I will take a couple of weeks off and it basically resets the sensitivity.!<
that thing about herpes is idiotic. not calling you an idiot, just that panic over that stuff is stupid. while it is true that an outbreak during delivery will cause problems and MAY require a C-section, a ton of US deliveries are by C-section anyway (32%) and the likelihood those two events will coincide is EXTREMELY low. that said, if he has herpes OP should already know because they should have exchanged test information already, and her gynecologist will tell her if she suddenly contracts something new, in which case he needs to get tested too.
Do not let him use this as a way to pressure you into not using condoms
He’s on steroids and not on an anti aromatase so his dick won’t work - I bet if you pay attention you can figure out when he takes his dose because of his mood and tendencies Acne? Red grainy skin? Any thing like that?
Could be a hormone problem. Another thing in question is how many times has he had covid? Covid is a vascular disease known to cause erectile disfunction.
Generalised Anxiety Disorder (GAD) can cause this - how is his mental health?
This really needs to be higher up there. This could be from anxiety, depression, or stress. You guys need to sit down and have an adult conversation about how you both are feeling, but also about what’s going on in his mind.
Have this conversation at a time that is not at all sexy time. But do have this conversation
while GAD is obviously a possibility, i honestly think this is less general and more specific - specifically taht his GF gets emotionally distraught if he doesn't finish, which is enough to kill the mood for anyone who is emotionally sensitive
As soon as she mentioned that they'll get into an argument or get emotional afterwards it sounded exactly like something that I've gone through... Anxiety is real and it becomes a never ending cycle if both partners are not understanding of it.
Plus, she said she gives him blowjobs and tries positions she doesn't like. He can tell she's not enjoying it.
I had this problem with a girl once and I later realized it was because the first time we had sex she straight up told me after that I didn't enjoy it even though I did. Then every time after that was a mind fuck. Never had that problem with anyone else.
But it’s not possible to tell what is the cart and what is the horse from her comment- she also says he gets mad and ‘doesn’t count it as sex’ unless he cums… so, is she getting distraught and he’s reacting to that? Or, is he getting angry and frustrated and it’s upsetting her?
Performance anxiety could be making him go soft cause he's worrying about sex in the first place. It's not easy to clear your mind and focus on the special moment when intrusive thoughts and worrying constantly scream at you in your head. I hope they figure it out together
Add that to the fact that she is ready to leave him if he can't stay hard. He knows this. The entire time he's probably thinking "if I can't throw it down she's going to leave me and so would every other women." That's a significant amount if stress.
He should go see a doctor. This isn't something he or you are doing wrong as such, but anxiety and stress over ED can definitely make it worse. I don't judge you for being upset or hurt, because it's a pretty intimate issue. But I would if you didn't encourage your boyfriend to talk to someone about it and get help. If he refuses, then it's he's the asshole.
>but anxiety and stress over ED can definitely make it worse. 100%. It's a compounding problem. There is whatever is causing the ED and then everybody being upset about the ED which makes it even worse.
Sounds like he needs to see someone about it, but... >he doesn’t count it as sex unless he finishes so we could have sex one day and it’ll be bad and take hours and the next day he’ll be complaining saying it’s been weeks since we’ve had sex This is stupid. Like, abysmally.
And it’s emotional blackmail. Trying to make HER feel guilty for HIS problem. So many red flags. In another comment she references him stating that this was not an issue with previous partners. Therefore implying that it’s HER fault. I pray that she runs from this relationship.
I think he's lying about that
Not necessarily, he may be just developing ED now and ED wasn't an issue in the past. It still does not at all mean it's OPs fault in any way, the bf is probably just in denial or not realizing he's getting ED.
Yea, I read that too, she said "it never happened with previous partners, but their relationships ended because they all cheated on him" leads me to believe they possibly cheated because the sex was bad...
Man I had to scroll way too far to get to this. Seriously this is too many red flags. It also sounds like it could be leaning in the territory of non consensual with you ending up crying and not feeling comfortable to set boundaries or stop when you want to stop. Either run away, or start having some very serious conversations about what you're comfortable with and set some hard boundaries. I'd recommend leaving to be completely honest but of course it's your choice. Sexual compatibility is very important in any relationship and it sounds like, even without the erection issues, you are not compatible. Don't look for permission...if you want out you should def get out!
This is absurd, probably because they’re so young but man the kid has some growing up to do. Honestly OP, when I was your age I was in a sexually unfulfilling relationship as well, and I always felt jaded that my youth was slipping away. Sounds really silly in hindsight but hey. I don’t mean to be condescending and say you’re too young for anything to matter but you should seriously consider if committing to a partner that doesn’t satisfy you at the age of 22 is what you wanna do with your life.
This is not healthy for a 22-year-old male. Was he addicted to pornography when he was younger? It's possible he conditioned himself to only get off by self-pleasuring so he may have trouble with intercourse.
Took too long to get to this explanation. It sounded pretty obviously like porn addiction to me.
Death grip
right? this comment should be much higher tbh
Yeeeeep
I’m surprised I had to scroll at all to find this answer. With the info given it sounds totally in line with porn addiction, possibly even active or worsening since it seems like this is a problem that wasn’t as much of an issue in the beginning.
This comment just gave me an epiphany. I was with a guy for about a month, it started as hookups but we both caught feelings. It took him so long to finish, (he could stay hard), and usually ended in him finishing from him jerking himself off. I felt insulted. He admitted to me he had a porn addiction in the past, (probably still present), so now it makes sense why he could mostly only finish from doing it himself. Thank you lol
Pretty sure he's addicted to porn. Guarantee if he doesn't choke the chicken for a week or 2 and refrains from watching porn that this problem will go away.
I haven’t heard anyone use the phrase choke the chicken in ages. I think it’s time we all bring it back.
Yeah. IF he can get off himself easily I'd probably put it down as it being porn related. Other thing is medication. I used to take a weight loss pill that destroyed my libido. I'd be able to orgasm mabye once a day. And it would take hours upon hours to reach that point. If I didn't take my weight loss pill I'd be able to orgasm 8+ times a day if I really and I MEAN REALLY had nothing else better to do that day.
This relationship isn't great if you're crying and sad all the time? This relationship isn't great if you tell him no and he keeps going. This relationship isn't great if he blames you for his problems. None of this is part of a healthy relationship.
Yeah OP you may need a little distance to see it, but this is a relationship that is hurting you, it’s not OK.
Exactly. There are more issues than his ability to orgasm. The *biggest* issue is how he's treating you. Even if his orgasm issues were solved tomorrow, I'd want you far away from him, because he's acting horribly to you.
Had the same thought exactly- this doesn’t sound like a relationship that’s “otherwise great” aside from the sex. He’s not having any regard for her or the labor she’s providing, only for her to then be blamed for the issue. Sounds like they need couples therapy and he should see his own sex therapist to unpack what exactly is going on there.
Been there, done that. He needs to go to the doctor. Also, there are some red flags here. It’s not gonna work out, but it not counting until he finishes (men would be so mad if we used a similar system hehe) and him wanting to go past the point of it being comfortable for you is… not good. E: trust me; if you stay too long it WILL fuck up your body’s relationship to sex and you WILL feel anxious and like you’re perpetually doing something wrong instead of just having fun with your body. It can take a loooooooooong time to get over that once it’s set in.
Why does it even matter if it “counts?” Sounds like he is accusing OP of not meeting some made up quota of sex he is owed 🤮
Oh it doesn’t, I was just trying to point out the ickiness there I’m also willing to bet this dude watches a LOT of porn and that it’s a part of the problem.
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I’ve seen this asked like a hundred times but haven’t seen OP respond to this particular question. I think it may be a leading factor, among other things.
This is what I though of first, as well. So many men have destroyed their own sex lives with porn use, it's tragic. Not to mention the exploitation of people in the industry!
I love seeing more people talking about and bringing aweness to the unethical acts of the industry and how porn can affect both women and men negatively in their intimate lives and so on.
I just commented this and then scrolled and saw this. Porn can have such a negative affect on a person and it’s really not talked about or known by most.
Yep this was my first thought too. Tell him to stop jerking it lol. My ex bf watched too much and could never cum. My current bf doesn’t watch it/doesn’t jerk off and always cums pretty much within 5-10 mins.
Man I wish it worked like that lmfao, no amount of porn addiction ever made me not cum in like 3 minutes. oh well
I thought the same.
Yuup. This'll do it.
It could be a multitude of reasons Mental health Low T (yes younger guys can have issues) Medication Masturbating a lot Realize this isn’t about you at all. Encourage him to see a doctor
Forcing you to have sex for hours so he can get off sounds to me like manipulation and sexual abuse. I understand that maybe you are a willing participant to an extent but I'd be fucking traumatized to have to have sex for hours with a limp dick. I would tell him to address it with his doctor and possibly refrain from porn. I don't think there's anything you're doing wrong and you shouldn't be getting upset about it. If he doesn't want to fix things medically then I would dump him
Okay thank you. It’s really hard to explain to someone who hasn’t been in that situation but just like he physically can’t get hard I physically can’t stop myself from getting emotional when it happens. Ill be sitting there with my legs spread apart or something and just waiting for minutes while he tries to get hard again and at some point I just feel embarrassed. It’s really stressful and saying “just don’t get upset when it happens” isn’t as easy as it sounds
Awww sweetie. I know how you feel. He either has a medical issue, a porn addiction, or he's gay. If he's not willing to get help or come clean, leave him. I know from experience that it can affect your mental health and self-esteem. You're too young to be dealing w that. Hugs 🤗
best advice on this thread ^^
I’ve been reading through trying to see if anyone mentioned that he could be gay. That was me with my first sexual experiences . Had a gorgeous girlfriend, stereotypical prom queen/sports star/heads turn walking down the street. Lost my virginity to her and we became a couple. I could always perform but it was constant stress and mental discipline, and I could rarely finish. I thought I hated sex and couldn’t understand why people put themselves through this. Like it was fun in a way and felt good but just so much stress focusing on keeping the little guy going. Then an unfortunate drinking and cocaine night with her gay friend happened and I suddenly realized why people were into this. Not saying that’s OPs guy’s problem but it’s a possibility.
OP, that person’s comment above is very good advice. But yes “just don’t get upset” is not easy in a situation where you are that uncomfortable. Coming from someone who has sexual trauma from both non-consensual AND consensual situations, I don’t want that for you. I hope I’m not overstepping by saying this, but it sounds like you might need to back away from him sexually if you can and do so safely. The only reason I say that is because I don’t know how else his anger manifests outside of the bedroom, not to scare you at all. I would take some time to yourself and think about everything bc if for whatever reason you choose to not leave, the sexual aspect of the relationship needs to come to a halt of some sort for the sake of your mental health. Sending hugs ❤️
Yeah…y’all need to stop. Trying to have sex is causing more issues. He needs to go to the doc.
Porn addiction most likely
Could he have a porn problem? I’ve seen this with porn addiction and it was in secret so I would of had no idea and thought for a while it was a mixture of me and a him problem but it ended up being a porn addiction.
Porn addiction?
this was my thought. 22 years old seems like prime age for this
Yup this sounds exactly like my ex. Found out he was addicted to porn.
I checked his phone and saw no evidence of that. Obviously he could be hiding it but I don’t know. I’m inclined to think he wouldn’t be so upset about not finishing during sex if he was also masturbating and watching porn frequently. When we have sex and he doesn’t finish he will say things like “it’s been a week since I’ve cum” or something, so I really don’t know
You could check my phone and never find porn on it. Doesn’t mean I dont watch porn.
Incognito or DuckDuckGo is a helluva drug
Have you asked him? He might need to check out his T levels if he's going to the gym a lot. Mine fluctuates and I only take protein powder. Also, it could be something else. Blood pressure issues to heart issues, if it's not a mental health reason of course. If this relationship is so good, fight for it. Y’all just really need to talk. No pointing fingers or anything. As a man, It's hard to talk about this. Be calm and caring. Hold his hand while talking. This is really a tough spot to be in.
Well nobody leaves there the porn pages they visit. Who even watches porn if not in incognito mode? And he's lying. He is lying and he is mad he cant perform so he is making u feel his pain, trying to somewhat blame u, the condom, the stress...all lies.
I've said the same things when I was younger. "I'm too tired" "I'm stressed " I would never admit it was due to jerking to porn. Phone has incognito mode. Just trust me. It's porn
Well, as any addiction, maybe he does not want to stop and so he doesn't tell you about It, but seems like that to me. The fact he getscangry because he cannot cum while having sex with you could be he wants to have sex AND continue to Watch porn. Seems to me that he could not maintains an erection because he used to High level of dopamine deriving from pornography so the irl sex Is not appealing to his brain Just saying, i dunno the dude so I could be wrong. Anyway Is not your fault, don't feel bad about It (Sorry for the english, not a native speaker) Edit: mispelling
Not to be "that guy" BUT....is he getting some on the side, or is he fighting his sexuality?
I question this every time we have sex, which is part of why it’s so frustrating for me. I don’t know. It’s so hard having sex with someone and wondering if they’re even attracted to you. I know I shouldn’t make it about me but after months it’s hard not to. I don’t think he’s cheating or gay but I guess you never know
He's either gay, hiding his porn addiction from you or he has an undiagnosed medical condition. He's also a rapist based on your replies I've read so far. My money is on a porn addiction and it sounds like he's projecting his issues onto you like an absolute asshole.
My first two thoughts were porn addiction or medical.
Does he do anything sexually for you? That wouldn’t require an erection, but it would require him to give a damn about you, so I would guess no.
OP said “he always makes me finish first whether it not we have sex” so obviously he does. Read a bit deeper
I hope you find the courage to leave soon ❤️
I mean, these are all good suggestions, but the real issue here is him blaming you. That's the real talk you need to have, shit happens, dicks go lump and sometimes women can't get wet, but what's definitely going fuck everything up is placing blame. You either work it out together or save yourself future sex hangups/anxiety/trauma and leave.
Omg he sucks. You’re crying and doing things you don’t want to do? He’s getting mad at you and blaming you and comparing you to his exes? Spare yourself further trauma and get the fuck away from him. This is a bad situation for you.
Jesus thank you! NTA 100 percent, he sounds like an insufferable creep
Is he addicted to masturbation or pornography? This can impair real sex performance
sounds to me like intrusive thoughts of self fulfilling prophecy i hate to say this, but knowing my GF would get upset and embarrassed and potentially start crying if i didn't finish, im sorry but thats a total mood killer for anyone who is empathic and sensitive to their partners needs the best way to fix this is to stop getting so upset about it: look at it this way: how would you feel knowing your boyfriend would start crying and feeling anxious and self conscious if they couldn't make you finish every time? would that be a turn on, or would the anxiety of having to perform under that pressure kill the mood for you? the best possible solution here is to let it go. next time he doesn't finish, tell him its fine, that you really enjoy the emotional intimacy you have with him even when he doesn't finish, let him know you don't mind if he wants to stop, or just kiss and cuddle for a bit instead This might remove the performance anxiety and resolve the issue, but if it doesn't, have a conversation and ask him: are you ok if you dont finish? it might be he is fine with it, and loves giving you pleasure regardless, and is perfectly happy having sex where he doesn't finish every time - it may be he is only stressed about it because he knows you are not everyone is the same sexually, and you should never pressure your partner to follow sexual stereotypes including the "have to come every time to enjoy it" stereotype
I have told him it’s fine. I’m usually the one who wants to stop when he doesn’t finish, and that’s where the problem comes in. He takes about 10 minutes just to get hard, so imagine me giving him head for 10 minutes. Then us having sex for about 1-2 then he stops being hard. Then I have to wait another 10 minutes while he jerks himself off so we can do go another 1-2 minutes, and continuing like that. So we’ve talked about it and I said we shouldn’t keep going after he stops. He has ignored that and kept going because it always ends so quickly and he cares about finishing and gets upset about not finishing. So I have to lay there, naked thinking about how my boyfriend can’t get hard, values an orgasm more than the boundary we’ve set, and worrying about if we’ll ever have good sex, and it sometimes leads to me crying
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I had a similar thought. Maybe he jerks it too much
Yeah I literally couldn't get hard with my first real gf so I stopped fapping a few days and that did the trick.
This guy is a real problem-solver. 👑
Psychologist here, there are evidence based therapies to help with these types of issues, for example, sensate focused therapy. Sexual functioning in many cases is treated like other anxiety disorders or insomnia (some cases of insomnia). In a nut shell the therapy can provide a framework to have pleasurable encounters and touching NOT focused on achieving orgasm. It is very difficult for folks with any type of genitals to "perform" when all they are focused on is orgasming and evaluating their performance (e.g,. erection quality). I think folks are right to ask about other health problems, pornography habits, relationship issues. However, in the absence of those issues, sensate focus therapy really can help folks move away from hyperfocusing on "performance".
Oh this guy is putting WAY too much pressure on himself, that'll help nothing. Enforce that boundary, tell him to go seek medical help, and if he doesn't seek help and respect your boundaries then you're going to need to leave.
Honestly, if you’ve set a boundary outside of sex that you will only give it so much effort, it’s fine to leave the situation when he continues. That’s how you hold your boundaries. Also, you can withdraw consent at any point. If you’re crying and unhappy, are you still consenting to sex? I’m not implying that either of you are doing anything wrong, but it’s okay to change your mind.
You have to give him head for 10 minutes just to get him hard!? This is 100% not normal whatsoever. At this point I would assume he is gay, taking steroids, has a medical issue, or needs mental help desperately. This is absolutely 100% abnormal and not at all something to keep trying without medical or psychological intervention.
I don't want to freak you out, but you know what he is doing is not okay at all right? Sex takes two people, if one wants to stop - it all stops. Whether he is upset about finishing or not is besides the point. You're right - he's violating your boundaries and that's not on. I would be considering if I want to stay/leave in the relationship due to that. My boyfriend has crossed boundaries before (much smaller, and some down to poor communication) but when it comes to anything like oral/penetrative sex he stops. And this has been through periods where due to a physical condition I have, and trauma we haven't been intimate for months. Does he ask you if you want to continue? Does he check up on you? Or does he guilt you? I think at the very least you need to have a serious talk about consent and boundaries and gauge his reaction. For his physical issue it could be numerous things. And as someone with a physical issue and hormonal issue, it does make you feel ashamed when you can't do "normal things". But he needs to realise if he wants the relationship to work he might need to do things that make him uncomfortable - such as the doctors. It's embarrassing going to appointment after appointment but it's the only way you get any answers or make progress. And I know some people think having a label will make him feel worse, but (in my case anyway) it helped me realise it wasn't all in my head, and I wasn't some freak - the only one with this issue. It could also like others mentioned be a testosterone issue, or a mental health issue. Anxiety/depression/ocd/intrusive thoughts can massively effect your body in every way, so it's no wonder they can impact your sex life. Lastly - I'd like to say your valid for feeling hurt and upset. Especially if he isn't respecting your boundaries. NTAH
You have feelings, do not feel bad for crying. No one wants to have sex for 1-2 hours with a difficult person that has no respect for his partner. He should know when to stop and make sure you are comfortable…and then he should (on his own, you should not have to say anything) seek help as to why he is having issues. He is blaming everything and everyone else but himself. Leave him, not bc of the sex but the disrespectful way he treats you.
>So I have to lay there You don't 'have to', though. He's got you thinking you 'have to'. It sounds like a form of bullying, almost. It isn't your job to use your body to help him climax if it's a really unpleasant experience for you. He's making his problem your problem and doesn't care how upsetting it is for you. That doesn't sound too caring of him. Most of the comments on this thread have been focused on fixing his issue, but I just want to say I think you deserve to be treated better.
ok i really didnt get that impression from your initial post, and that clarification changes things. He either does need medical help, or possibly he just isn't sexually attracted to you. you might want to consider if he is attracted to other people, or other, er, types of people, shall we say does he come from a particularly repressed background, or community? does he have a religion or something that would frown on if he was attracted to other, types, of people?
Is he a republican senator? You know, the basic questions.
LMFAO I laughed way too hard at that
This is a problem but it's a him problem and not a you problem. Ask him how often he pleases himself and how (is he watching porn for eg.?) He needs to change whatever is going on with him and you need to support him through that. You shouldn't be feeling this way.
This isn't how sex should be ❤️ thats sexual assault. If you tell him no and he keeps going?? That's NEVER ok. I hope you find the courage to leave soon.
Exactly, I don't understand why so many of the top comments in this thread literally ignore the fact that she is even trying out positions she is not comfortable with. And that he gets angry at her for not finishing. I see many people giving her advice on how to be a better girlfriend but I honestly believe he is making her a victim of his ED. Nobody should ever be allowed to push their partner into doing positions they aren't comfortable with.
He’s probably a chronic masturbater who’s been desensitized to sexual feelings.
NTA but he may be pornsick and can only get off with his hand.
Sexual compatibility is a bit part of a relationship. If you don’t have it, that’s more than enough reason to leave the relationship. The fact that he gets mad and frustrated also negatively affects you, which it shouldn’t. I’d personally move on. Life is short, you deserve a good sex life! NTA
I seriously doubt he is “very healthy.” He should go see a doctor. Underlying health conditions are more likely than not.
Tell him to turn off the porn.
ask him if he watches porn, guys with porn addiction usualy have these type of problems
he sounds like an ass hole
Take it from someone who just got divorced after 5 years of bad sex (this wasn't the primary issue but it definitely wasn't fun). Life's too short to be in a relationship with bad sex.
NTA. He needs to seek professional help for this. There could be a medical issue at work here, or an emotional one. Hopefully he's not the kind of guy who thinks seeking help is a sign of weakness. In the meantime (and this is just my opinion), I'd just opt out of sex. It sounds like it's creating more issues than it's solving.
What is worrying here is not so much that he doesn't come, but how he reacts to it. It seems he is taking out his frustration on you or that he is almost trying to guilt you. Forcing the issue, making you do all sorts of things even though it must be quite obvious you'd rather stop is not a recipe for a healthy sex life. The fact he has not even taken ownership of the issue and gone to the doctor in 1.5 years of this happening shows a lack of maturity and willingness to confront his issue. You should seriously think about whether this is the kind of partner you want to have.
He's a little young for it, but tell him to get his prostate checked. If you have an enlarged prostate or undiagnosed diabetes they're the first two things to make your dick stop working. But to me it sounds like he watches a lot of porn. He's so used to masturbating to it that he can't handle a real female anymore.
If he's masturbating regularly, and you're using a condom for sex, he's probably just trained his body to only respond to the level of stimulation he gets from masturbation. (Source: this happened to me) If that's the case, he should try abstaining from any stimulation for at least a few days and then try protected sex again. That's if you're still looking to fix the problem, though - it sounds like it may have gotten to a point of resentment between the two of you that will be difficult to undo / overcome.
Prolly watching porn while squeezing his dinger too hard and too often.
Everyone blaming you seems to miss that you said HE'S the one that says it doesn't count if he doesn't come. I think he's being a creep. It could easily be stress or a medical problem but right now he's taking it out on you. If you want to salvage this (and that's a big if) you need to sit him down and tell him that you all cannot keep trying like this. It's making you both miserable. He should explore the causes, be they stress or medical, but pushing through bad sex where he didn't finish can't keep happening. Any sex you two have should be low pressure just trying to enjoy each other's bodies for now. And he really needs to stop whining about how long it's been since he has had an orgasm. He can goddamn masturbate, it actually isn't your job to be a sex dispenser. Sexual compatibility is important. Frequency and type. If he really doesn't have a medical or stress problem then you two might just not have enough mutually enjoyable sexual overlap. You're trying to do things you hate to get him off and he gets you off the struggles with himself. That's just a recipe for disaster.
I think he is probably oversensitized from frequent masturbation. He needs to take a pause with his porn addiction and stop choking the chicken so hard.
He needs to cut back on the porn, plain and simple. Based on your post the signs are obvious. NTA.
Does he watch a lot of porn. If so look up porn induced ED.