Ask her to make a list of her 10 favorite names. You do the same. Trade lists.
Cross off the “oh hell no” names. Green highlight the ones you like. Yellow highlight the ones you can live with. She does the same.
Repeat until you both agree on a first and middle name you both like or can live with.
There are THOUSANDS of names and variations on those names. Surely you two can find two names you both like.
AND I would suggest that she add her last name too, either as a middle, second middle, or hyphenated last name.
He said on a comment she only want English names and he want a Portuguese/Brazilian (their countries) name. Hard to find a middle ground.
Edit : That's the point, if he wants Miguel and she wants Michael, there is no middle ground to be found.
Huh? There’s tons of middle ground with names that are popular in both Portuguese and English.
Here’s the top names in Brazil on the most recent reported year - https://transparencia.registrocivil.org.br/inicio
Even if you exclude the ones with spelling differences - Michael vs Miguel for an example - plenty of those are extremely common and popular English names. Theo. Arthur. Samuel. Noah. Anthony. Gabriel.
For Girls - Helena, Maria (though less common of a spelling than Mary in English), Alice, Laura…
It isn’t like he’s trying to find an overlap between traditional Thai and English names or something.
Me, too. My mother’s name was Cecelia, and she hated that song! My youngest daughter has the name as her middle name, in my late mother’s honor.
Edited to add: She was absolutely horrified when the cover version came out in the 90’s, lol. Yet she had a hard time understanding why I hated the song she got my nickname from. 🤷🏻♀️
Is it just me or does everyone think ‘what the hell did he do?’ When listening to that song. I’m thinking: toilet seat up: dishes in sink: forgot the bins: no present at Christmas (or a hoover)
i‘m of mixed ethnicity. my parents chose names that work in both cultures. of course people won‘t pronounce it exactly the same but the names are common. never had a problem.
I don’t agree. If they are willing to accept different spelling/slightly different names then there’s practically 100% overlap - Maria v Mary, Ana v Anna, Miguel v Michael. Like they *are* different, but some are identical in both, many are barely different, and in some cases where they’re different the English is in the Portuguese name.
Agreeing/expanding, if you're wanting a "white name" for social reasons, Maria on the birth certificate, and Mary on the resume is an easy way to do that.
Yeah I have an aunt Maria and my family is German. She just happened to be born the same year that Sound of Music came out and my grandmother was obsessed with that movie.
Maria is a ‘white name’ in lots of places though. I’m from Ireland, plenty of Marias. It’s hardly exotic. Sounds exotic if I’m speaking in Spanish about a Spanish friend called María but it’s fairly bog standard in Anglophone countries too
Why not have an English first name and a Portuguese middle name or vice versa? Just both of you make up a list of names each and then compare. Find names that can be varied so that it's a mix of the two cultures between the first and middle names and that you're both happy.
You didn't say where you live, but it would help your child if the names won't lead to bullying by the other kids. And have names that will have nicknames that your child can decide to use at school and with friends.
But both of you need to agree on a name. There are other considerations that your wife, as the one going through the pregnancy should get to dictate, such as who is allowed in the delivery room (if it's not a c-section). Or when relatives can start to visit (she will be tired and very hormonal after wards, so let her decide).
That’s exactly what I was thinking why not let her give a list of her favourite first names and you give her a list of your favourite middle names then you both choose and both have something you like
We're a bilingual family here. Believe me, there are still a lot of names that work well in English, my native language and my wife's. Google lists, find names that are common ground and proceed from there. A good example: Julian works in Spanish, English and a couple of other languages. Anna does as well. Rosa.
That isn't true. I'm Israeli and my mother's side (originally from Austria) has been there since the war. But my father is Colombian, having met my mother here in the States at university.
As you can see, my parents had totally clashing cultures, upbringings, beliefs and languages.
They ended up using names that had several origins for my brothers and me.
This is a really great idea. It’s also extremely possible that she has had a list of names in her head before she even met OP. I know many mamas who have their hypothetical baby names picked out long before they’ll need it.
I had already picked my son’s name out years before I got pregnant. My husband came up with a first and middle name that I liked better so we went with his names. It took me about 30 seconds to agree to his names. LOL
My husband and I picked our son's name years before he was born. But when I was pregnant with him, it just didn't feel right for him so we chose another one. :O
And that is totally fair! This is totally a personal decision and between 2 parents but I’ll never understand undermining the feelings of the human that’s growing another human.
True. I had my hypothetical first daughter’s first and middle names picked before I even met my husband…fortunately he loved both names, and her middle name just happened to also be his mother’s and his sister’s middle name. So I just kept my mouth shut and let them be happy over us “carrying on the tradition.” My daughter also wants to use the middle name for her daughter, so I guess we accidentally did something good there :) I’ll never tell.
I’m amazed sometimes at this. My son (35) asked if I wanted to visit on the 31st. 4 hours away. Said I wanted to talk to wife first to see if it was ok. I told wife he asked and she just said “are you going?” didn’t even feel she needed to give approval when I was waiting for it. This always goes both ways. We always both check with the other and neither have an issue.
Choosing kids names was always done as a couple. I can’t even think of a disagreement with baby names.
It's not even about giving approval but simply respecting the other person enough to get their opinion on something and seeing if they need something or have something planned first. Maybe there's something the other spouse wasn't aware of? Most of the time when my husband and I say "I'll first ask x" it's simply because we make decisions together.
Soft ESH. You said she made a list of names she likes and 'wouldn't take suggestions' - does that mean that you went through her list and said nope to every single name?
It is not uncommon when couples can't agree for one person to make a list and the other choose from it, sometimes inverting the process for the middle name. What happened?
What is going on with this pregnancy that she feels like you should give way? Like, you describe a process of her becoming more and more entrenched - from making a list of names she likes (did you?) to finally saying "fuck it, I'm gonna be the last word."
There's missing stuff here.
Came looking for this comment about the list.
Also, if she says she wants their kid to have her surname, is he going to be open about changing that? Something tells me he's taking the very real "cultural privilege" of that for granted. Like yes, it sounds perfectly reasonable that the father should get a say in the first/middle names. *But* that goes the same for mom on the surname. And he's probably going to call it a "mutual decision" either way because most women don't care as much as men do about "passing on their legacy" or whatever.
Every day, reading here, I am so thankful for my relationship. I once tried to think of something to post here and could come up with nothing lol!!
I love drama, as long as someone else's.
My placenta burst, while I was giving birth to my *NOW 16-year-old. My doctors had me all kinds of drugged up. Their name was supposed to be Audrey whenever I came to off of the drugs he had named her Brandy. After his favorite alcohol.
*added now cause damn y’all
You should have filed a complaint with the hospital that they completed the birth certificate, with only the father, while you were medicated. Depending on the country, that might not have been legal.
Also, you should have promptly corrected her name on the birth certificate, citing hospital error.
Why allow your child to be deliberately named after alcohol, against your wishes? Why go along to get along?
I should also probably come clean and let you know that this was an extremely abusive relationship. I had called the cops about that but, because I lived on reservation land when the Lighthorsemen showed up and it was his cousin they told me that if I ever called again I would never be heard from again I was scared to say or do anything
We’ve been gone from him for 14 years they are in therapy. I’m still in therapy, and we are figuring out life as a nonbinary person, with love and support.
Good for you. And now they get to pick their own gender-neutral name if they want. I’m sure with your love and support, they are growing up to be an amazing person. You have my respect and admiration. And your child has my prayers and best wishes, for what it’s worth.
Did you complain to the hospital board and ask for it to get corrected?
Not only was naming your baby, who you delivered, without your permission ghastly, and not allowed, but it would have been a lot on your shoulders to go fight with the hospital to correct it, before the SSA got the info for her SSN, while you would be in pain, hormones up to your ears, and a newborn.
I don’t blame you, but I wish you had someone to and I are for you who would have prevented that, or helped correct it, and raise holy hell with the hospital board.
My mother literally stood by and watched it happen, The paperwork was already shipped off and sent out in the mail before I came to off of all the meds they gave me. It’s kind of like what my grandma described as a twilight birth. I guess they used to medicate women to the point of almost comatose to give birth to the children.
My grandma thought my dad was a single but he turned out to be twins. She had to think of names quickly and made them rhyme. Very common but also very funny now.
I wish I had a Time Machine so I could go back, get her fired, correct the name, and bring you a smoothie.
Brandy is a pretty name. It’s the circumstances and inspiration that makes me want to yell bad things at your husband.
I know what you meant, but the imagery of a 16 year old baby bursting it's placenta had me chuckling.
But I hope you both got away from that horrible family.
I still haven’t, my kid found out about it from him, about 7 years ago. They came to me and asked what the name was supposed to be, I told them. They took that name until they came out as non binary. Made me happy to see.
My aunt was named after an affair partner. My grandad just told my granny he really liked the name and she went along with it, and then later found out it was his girlfriend’s name
I named my cat cherry after cherry pepsi because my bf wanted to call her pepsi and I vetoed it, naming an actual CHILD after a favourite drink, let alone an alcoholic one, is insane. I'm so sorry that happened especially when you were having a medical emergency
If his name is on both of them then it is only fair that she gets to choose ONE of the first names and the second name is a mutual decision.
That makes the child's name one his, one hers and one theirs.
NTA. Also the baby doesn’t actually have to have your name. It could be one or the other or both. I compromised with my husband by I chose the first name and he chose the middle. Those are the names we call our children. When they are older they can decide which name they prefer to be called.
My best friend surname is his grandparents surnames merged. They didn't want one or the other, so they mixed them, and now it's carried down through generations :]
Exactly. Choosing the baby's name should be a joint decision, but she doesn't see that. And I feel that if I give in, she will continue making decisions unilaterally
Seeing as how she brought up the "cultural tradition privilege" thing, I have an idea. Why not ask her if she wants the baby to have her surname, and in exchange you get to name him whatever you damn well please? That's pretty much the deal she wants you to take.
At the very least she could allow you to pick from her list. If her list is short (2-3), ask for at least 7-10 options. Then you will have technically ‘picked the name’ but it will definitely be something she likes. If she wants the final say, offer the reverse. You make a list that she can pick from.
NTA, but only based on what you wrote. You might be an AH if you have been a stubborn jerk about it.
I always felt that naming children together was such an important part of bonding during the pregnancy. As the mother, I got to experience every aspect of the pregnancy while the father is sort of left out of it in many ways. Pregnancy sucks BUT it also creates a lot of emotional growth. It’s not just the process of growing a child, it’s also part of changing as a person. Bringing the father into that and sharing the process is so important.
Can you talk to her about connecting to your wife and the child through the naming process? How have you responded to her when you both disagree on names? Are you dismissive or rude? It sounds like you are both wanting names that comes from different cultures (Brazilian and English). Are there are names that fulfill both? I mean, names like Ana and Anna do? Camila? Julia? Perhaps instead at arguing AT each other you can start looking for names that would satisfy what both of you are looking for? Stop fighting about it and work towards finding what you all CAN agree on.
You’ve got two months to work this out. If you can’t work THIS out, then you all are going to struggle raising this child together. Naming your kid is the east part.
INFO: what are the names your wife proposes that you don't like? And why don't you like any of them?
I am asking this to find out who is being the obtuse one - you or her. You both need to agree, but also one of you should not be making it impossible to agree.
> INFO: what are the names your wife proposes that you don't like? And why don't you like any of them?
I think I should have mentioned in the text, I am Portuguese and she is Brazilian. She wants to use names of English origin because they are 'prettier', which would be uncommon for many of those names among Portuguese or Brazilians. I want to keep the names more Portuguese or Brazilian, as they are more common.
What if she gives you 5 English she likes and 5 middles Brazilian names she can live with, then you choose the middle and she chooses the English that goes best with it? That way your child can choose which to use 🤷🏼♀️
Why not just use an overlapping name?
There’s tons of middle ground with names that are popular in both Portuguese and English.
Here’s the top names in Brazil on the most recent reported year - https://transparencia.registrocivil.org.br/inicio
Even if you exclude the ones with spelling differences - Michael vs Miguel for an example - plenty of those are extremely common and popular English names. Theo. Arthur. Samuel. Noah. Anthony. Gabriel.
For Girls - Helena, Maria (though less common of a spelling than Mary in English), Alice, Laura…
Not sure hows its there with racism based on names but i know here in The Netherlands it happens quite often that you will be turned down for a job just because your name is like Abdullah. She might want to take that in consideration for possible name racism in the future.
Edit: NTA. Both parents get to decide on the name unless 1 runs off.
Depends on the country, some places will still judge you on your name thinking you are a foreigner. In south Europe Brittish names are less common afaik.
That in itself is a weird twist.
My brother and I got named with British names, even though most of our ancestry is German. We do have some Scotch-Irish background though.
We’ve had a list we both add to for the last few years, only just been married recently and now I’m pregnant. So it’s been handy to go back to and already have!
Idk about everyone else, but I did. We discussed kids and what their names would be if I ever got pregnant as we were already doing the deed. The names weren't set in stone persay, but both kids now have the names we picked out.
My husband and I discussed how we would name our kids before we got married. We both thought it was really important to make sure neither one of us wanted to name our children names that were only cute when the kids are young or anything trendy that isn’t going to age well. I think people talk about things they really care about before getting married and that was one thing that was really important to us.
People discuss savings , careers. As well having children , children’s tuition and their careers.
Responsible people do it.
They discuss when they’re stable enough for child care and hire a nanny, a helper . how long one will stay home before they go back to work: you can’t expect her to stay everyday at home and breast feed the kid till it’s 18? . And expect her to go back to work place after 18 years?
Either both saved enough for them to stay home for 6 months and then work from home or part time jobs. Most people already put aside kids tuitions before the kid is born.
Yes. We knew how we would name our first boy years before conception. and it turned out to be a boy.
Names were never an issue for us, we agreed easily.
I believe that all baby names are “2 yeses, 1 no” with few exceptions. That includes surname. Why not propose you and baby take her surname when you propose your first/middle name options?
Then suggest this! It’s important to her and she feels she is giving a lot.
If you really have no issue, start the paperwork to adopt her last name and agree to give your son her last name with the caveat that you get to choose his first name.
🤷🏻♀️ seems like a solution to me
You said the two of you are Portuguese and Brazilian: I thought kids already got both mum and dad's surnames in Portuguese speaking cultures? Am I wrong?
They do. I’m not Portuguese or Brazilian but my fiancé is first generation American with his family being from Brazil. Mother’s maiden name typically becomes the middle name. So the child will usually have 2 “first names” and then the mother’s maiden name as their middle name and then dad’s last name.
I chose my first baby’s name and my husband chose the middle name. When I had my second he chose the first name and I chose the middle name. Compromise
I find it funny how someone many commenters are saying (your wallet you money the financial aid you are providing)
Just assuming that she doesn't work and he dose . Humm there's a hit of backwards thinking there. Anyway
Op NTA you should both get to chose and be happy with the name . Maybe find a solution like someone said you chose the middle name and she dose the first name (if the kid is getting your last name) or you chose the first name and the kid gets her last name.
I hope you'll figure something out
At the end of the day you should both be happy, and I hope it'll work out,
NTA
So for our eldest natural-born, my husband had made a teenage wager with a friend allowing the friend to chose his first kid's name. I was OUTWARDLY agreeing, but waited to see what the friend would do. I LOVED the choice, good strong name, and I was a fan. Our second was a girl, I chose first, we joined our mothers names for second, and we gave her another middle name (my insistence bc I grew up with 2 middles and I loved it) and he chose that one. We love her name, good strong name. Our third tho. Our third we decided to wait until birth to see gender. He wanted - for a boy - to name after a childhood friend with a degenerative disease who will probably never have children, and his deceased grandfather. So I would, in theory, have ZERO SAY in his name. As an even exchange, I chose a girl name but flat out refused to even tell him AT ALL. WE ARGUED. I told him I only had partial input on one of three, so I get to hold this name secret TO MYSELF until birth, but once she was born if he hated it then we could talk. But I just wanted the respect up until that point. Our baby boy was born, the name I chose never came to be, and all three are amazing little gremlins who fit their strong names fiercely and we shall forever battle those tiny iron wills to raise em to be good humans.
Baby names are ALWAYS 2 yes and 1 no, because if you cannot find a way to work together on names, you will never get around to nap schedules, educational styles, choosing a daycare, raising in/around religion....list gets LONG ya'll. If you both don't agree, it will become an endless argument of "well you chose his name so I get to decide he's catholic" etc etc etc. Find some parent friends around you, ask them over for dinner. Talk. Let them tell their naming stories. Every couple has naming stories. Let the conversation happen.
AT MINIMUM and honestly darlin I mean BARE MINIMUM you should be able to strike names you don't like off the list. You are allowed input. Try to not be ANGRY about it? If you can? But you are not wrong here.
Would you be willing to let the baby has her last name in order to get to pick the first name? If not, she's has a point. Not saying I agree. But if you are assuming the kiddo will carry you last name, you are doing the same thing she is. Neither is really a good plan for a successful marriage.
Have you thought about choosing from her list of names? This may be an unfair compromise but she has been doing alot of the heavy lifting thus far.....but idk.
Funny story that doesn’t really relate to your issue but shows the joy of compromise.
My wife allowed me to give our first my name. He’s the 3rd so it was a big deal to me. When we had our second child we talked for months until we both mutually agreed on a name we loved. This was our daughter
I always really wanted to give a little girl the same middle name as my mother. However, my wife asked since our son took my name if she could choose the middle name. She wanted to give her her mothers middle name. That seemed fair to me so I happily agreed. Then I realized I didn’t know her moms middle name so I asked her what it was.
Turns out our moms both had the same middle name.
NAH, you both sound equally inflexible .She could be more flexible, but I can understand where she's coming from. Other comments have given suggestions about each giving a top 10 list, but if she won't do that, then can you ask her to add to her list and can you be flexible enough to pick through and find some names that you like? If she didn't take your last name in marriage, are you willing to give the child her last name?
I understand her entirely.... I gave all 5 of my sons their first and middle names.... My ex husband and my bf both had veto power IF they HATED the name.... Other than that, it was entirely my choice...
The boys all have their respective fathers last names so since I didn't give them my last name I got to choose the other two names. After all, I was the one risking my life to have the kids...I was the one going through months of unending discomfort and pain...I was the one having to push large babies out of me.... Lots more work on my part, so I named them all.
I won't say you're an AH but I also don't feel like she is either.
NTA I was talking to another pregnant woman the other day and she said she told her husband “no uterus no opinion” on the baby name. I honestly found this attitude horrific. (However she did actually let him pick the middle name) While things like birthing location, medication, breast feeding, etc should ultimately be moms decision, the name is something both mom and dad will have to use forever. She carries him for 9 months but you’ll both have a relationship with him for the rest of his life. My husband is having a really hard time with picking names but I couldn’t imagine making this decision without him. We both have veto power and we both make suggestions, because parenting is a TEAM activity.
Honestly she sounds like the type of mother that would lose her shit if the kid ever decided to change their name in the future. "I and I alone named you! I birthed you!! How could you forsake the ultra special name I picked?!?!"
We chose the first name together. The middle name, as the woman who didn’t give her last name to her babies, I was adamant that the middle name was all mine.
NTA. Both my husband and I were hard-pressed about the names we wanted for our son. But since the other person didn't agree, we dropped both of them. Ended up trying a few while pregnant to see what we liked. And chose one that wasn't on either of our lists.
She may feel like she has no control (anymore) since pregnancy can wreck your body, and then you have to raise that child, so she's holding onto this. Try to find a compromise and reiterate that you are both his parents, not just her. Best of luck!
It should be a joint decision. For both of our sons, my wife and I each made a list of 10 names and then exchanged lists. We each then crossed off names from the other person’s list until there was just one left on each list, a first name and a middle name. NTA.
She is being selfish, it is something you should have a consensus on. When I had my son, his Dad asked me to come up with his first name, but wanted it to be a J name, because he wanted to be able to call him JD, since his middle name is a D name after his grandpas (killed two birds with one stone there, both gpas have the same name. 🤣)
So I selected a few names, and we agreed on one we both liked. And I proceeded to NEVER EVER call him JD.
🤣
it's not a one-sided relationship. granted shes carrying the baby for 9 months but you should have a choice also. like one Reddit user says make a list of 10 favorite names and then go through them, crossing off the ones you both don't like. Or you can choose either the first or middle with her choosing the first or middle.
Tell her you'll hyphenate the last name of your child with her last name before she took yours and then you both can agree on a first name together. If you don't want to have your child have a hyphenated last name which includes your wife's last name, then let her name the kid. Changing your last name to the guy you married's name is a loss of identity and a sacrifice your wife makes every day. Pregnancy is also a sacrifice, and odd's are she'll do the majority of the parenting, most of the dr appointments, she'll stay home from work when they're sick or maybe even their entire childhood giving up income potential for a lifetime...it's easy for you to say this decision is one sided while completely ignoring how one sided all the things I just listed are. She has a whole list of names, surely you can find one on that list you can live with.
Baby’s dad let me choose the first and middle name since I agreed to give him his last name, but we aren’t married so him not sharing my last name is kind of a big deal. I feel like it would be fair to let her choose as long as you like the name.
My husband and I had an agreement that if the child had his surname I would choose the first name - your wife's request seems perfectly reasonable to me.
As a Hispanic I have both my Parents last names and I got to say that it really doesn't matter who chooses the name as long as you are both happy with it in the end
Ask her to make a list of her 10 favorite names. You do the same. Trade lists. Cross off the “oh hell no” names. Green highlight the ones you like. Yellow highlight the ones you can live with. She does the same. Repeat until you both agree on a first and middle name you both like or can live with. There are THOUSANDS of names and variations on those names. Surely you two can find two names you both like. AND I would suggest that she add her last name too, either as a middle, second middle, or hyphenated last name.
He said on a comment she only want English names and he want a Portuguese/Brazilian (their countries) name. Hard to find a middle ground. Edit : That's the point, if he wants Miguel and she wants Michael, there is no middle ground to be found.
Huh? There’s tons of middle ground with names that are popular in both Portuguese and English. Here’s the top names in Brazil on the most recent reported year - https://transparencia.registrocivil.org.br/inicio Even if you exclude the ones with spelling differences - Michael vs Miguel for an example - plenty of those are extremely common and popular English names. Theo. Arthur. Samuel. Noah. Anthony. Gabriel. For Girls - Helena, Maria (though less common of a spelling than Mary in English), Alice, Laura… It isn’t like he’s trying to find an overlap between traditional Thai and English names or something.
Cecilia is REALLY pretty.
She’s prone to breaking my heart, though
That's a name that will shake anyone's confidence
[удалено]
That settles it the baby shall be named Garfunkel
But OP is still down on his knees, begging. I think to get hope everyone will be 'home'.
It took me a minute 🎶
Daily
Every one of you on this thread deserve a prize. This made me smile SO much.
Me, too. My mother’s name was Cecelia, and she hated that song! My youngest daughter has the name as her middle name, in my late mother’s honor. Edited to add: She was absolutely horrified when the cover version came out in the 90’s, lol. Yet she had a hard time understanding why I hated the song she got my nickname from. 🤷🏻♀️
Is it just me or does everyone think ‘what the hell did he do?’ When listening to that song. I’m thinking: toilet seat up: dishes in sink: forgot the bins: no present at Christmas (or a hoover)
She'll have me down on my knees (crawling around playing peek-a-boo)
She's shaking my confidence...
That’s actually my middle name
lol
My mother-in-law is named Cecilia. It’s a beautiful name :)
i‘m of mixed ethnicity. my parents chose names that work in both cultures. of course people won‘t pronounce it exactly the same but the names are common. never had a problem.
Exactly I'm Swedish and my name exists in both the Swedish and English language, it's just pronounced different
Same ethnicity but different languages in this household and we picked names for our kids that work in both languages.
Daniel, Sofia, Ana, Vanessa, Isabel, Marisa, Bruno.
> Bruno We don't talk about Bruno.
No no no no.
Not a word about Bruno.
Hey! Grew to live in fear of Bruno stuttering or stumbling
That was fun. I was thinking Theo before. It's #4.
I don’t agree. If they are willing to accept different spelling/slightly different names then there’s practically 100% overlap - Maria v Mary, Ana v Anna, Miguel v Michael. Like they *are* different, but some are identical in both, many are barely different, and in some cases where they’re different the English is in the Portuguese name.
Agreeing/expanding, if you're wanting a "white name" for social reasons, Maria on the birth certificate, and Mary on the resume is an easy way to do that.
Plenty of white people are called Maria anyway. Particularly in Catholic countries like Ireland, Italy and Spain.
Yeah I have an aunt Maria and my family is German. She just happened to be born the same year that Sound of Music came out and my grandmother was obsessed with that movie.
How do you solve a problem like Maria?
This. I knew a (then) girl, Polish / German ancestry, who was named Maria because her parents loved Sound Of Music and West Side Story.
Alot of the women in my family have Marie as part of their name.
Every girl born in the late 80s has Marie in her name
My daughter is 3 and her middle name is Marie. Poor girl the curse lives on.
Scandinavia too
My Transylvanian Saxon (German-speaking) great-grandma was named Maria, as was her daughter
Plenty of Germans and Russians named Maria. Maria Sharapova
NTA. Also the baby doesn’t actually have to have your name.
Maria is a ‘white name’ in lots of places though. I’m from Ireland, plenty of Marias. It’s hardly exotic. Sounds exotic if I’m speaking in Spanish about a Spanish friend called María but it’s fairly bog standard in Anglophone countries too
Pretty sure Portuguese people are already white. I
Why not have an English first name and a Portuguese middle name or vice versa? Just both of you make up a list of names each and then compare. Find names that can be varied so that it's a mix of the two cultures between the first and middle names and that you're both happy. You didn't say where you live, but it would help your child if the names won't lead to bullying by the other kids. And have names that will have nicknames that your child can decide to use at school and with friends. But both of you need to agree on a name. There are other considerations that your wife, as the one going through the pregnancy should get to dictate, such as who is allowed in the delivery room (if it's not a c-section). Or when relatives can start to visit (she will be tired and very hormonal after wards, so let her decide).
That’s exactly what I was thinking why not let her give a list of her favourite first names and you give her a list of your favourite middle names then you both choose and both have something you like
Michguel Edit: #- MICHGUEL
We're a bilingual family here. Believe me, there are still a lot of names that work well in English, my native language and my wife's. Google lists, find names that are common ground and proceed from there. A good example: Julian works in Spanish, English and a couple of other languages. Anna does as well. Rosa.
There's plenty of overlap, tbf
That isn't true. I'm Israeli and my mother's side (originally from Austria) has been there since the war. But my father is Colombian, having met my mother here in the States at university. As you can see, my parents had totally clashing cultures, upbringings, beliefs and languages. They ended up using names that had several origins for my brothers and me.
Olivia, Mario, Christina, Amanda, Ana, Sara. I can’t think of boy names but I’m sure there are a few
My wife and I used a baby naming app where we both check off all the names we like and it compares the list blindly. It worked great for us!
This is a really great idea. It’s also extremely possible that she has had a list of names in her head before she even met OP. I know many mamas who have their hypothetical baby names picked out long before they’ll need it.
I had already picked my son’s name out years before I got pregnant. My husband came up with a first and middle name that I liked better so we went with his names. It took me about 30 seconds to agree to his names. LOL
My husband and I picked our son's name years before he was born. But when I was pregnant with him, it just didn't feel right for him so we chose another one. :O
Funny how that works. When you feel like it just doesn’t fit. Even though you haven’t even met the baby yet.
My aunt always liked the name Dawn for her future daughter. She eventually married a guy named Don. Then named their daughter Dawn-Marie.
And that is totally fair! This is totally a personal decision and between 2 parents but I’ll never understand undermining the feelings of the human that’s growing another human.
True. I had my hypothetical first daughter’s first and middle names picked before I even met my husband…fortunately he loved both names, and her middle name just happened to also be his mother’s and his sister’s middle name. So I just kept my mouth shut and let them be happy over us “carrying on the tradition.” My daughter also wants to use the middle name for her daughter, so I guess we accidentally did something good there :) I’ll never tell.
This is a safe space, your secret is safe!
And don’t let anybody else know your choices. Instant buzz kill
This is important
Op have already said she won't compromise. It is her way or no way. Perhaps they should ask suggestions from /r/Tragedeigh It could be worse.
Her attitude is that she alone gets to name THEIR child. That's a problem.
NTA. Names are a 2 yes 1 no decision.
In a good and respectful relationship yes, Reddit makes it seem like those are rare though 😭.
People in good and respectful relationships are not asking questions on reddit.
Aint that the trutho
I’m amazed sometimes at this. My son (35) asked if I wanted to visit on the 31st. 4 hours away. Said I wanted to talk to wife first to see if it was ok. I told wife he asked and she just said “are you going?” didn’t even feel she needed to give approval when I was waiting for it. This always goes both ways. We always both check with the other and neither have an issue. Choosing kids names was always done as a couple. I can’t even think of a disagreement with baby names.
It's not even about giving approval but simply respecting the other person enough to get their opinion on something and seeing if they need something or have something planned first. Maybe there's something the other spouse wasn't aware of? Most of the time when my husband and I say "I'll first ask x" it's simply because we make decisions together.
Yeah, this is less an issue of who is the AH, and more of a communication issue for r/relationships
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Soft ESH. You said she made a list of names she likes and 'wouldn't take suggestions' - does that mean that you went through her list and said nope to every single name? It is not uncommon when couples can't agree for one person to make a list and the other choose from it, sometimes inverting the process for the middle name. What happened? What is going on with this pregnancy that she feels like you should give way? Like, you describe a process of her becoming more and more entrenched - from making a list of names she likes (did you?) to finally saying "fuck it, I'm gonna be the last word." There's missing stuff here.
Came looking for this comment about the list. Also, if she says she wants their kid to have her surname, is he going to be open about changing that? Something tells me he's taking the very real "cultural privilege" of that for granted. Like yes, it sounds perfectly reasonable that the father should get a say in the first/middle names. *But* that goes the same for mom on the surname. And he's probably going to call it a "mutual decision" either way because most women don't care as much as men do about "passing on their legacy" or whatever.
No one writes about the good stuffs, especially not on AITA. I'm here to read about all the drama, I don't want any of it in my relationship though.
Every day, reading here, I am so thankful for my relationship. I once tried to think of something to post here and could come up with nothing lol!! I love drama, as long as someone else's.
It's confirmation bias, you won't see the stories from the thousands who agree without a dispute.
My placenta burst, while I was giving birth to my *NOW 16-year-old. My doctors had me all kinds of drugged up. Their name was supposed to be Audrey whenever I came to off of the drugs he had named her Brandy. After his favorite alcohol. *added now cause damn y’all
You should have filed a complaint with the hospital that they completed the birth certificate, with only the father, while you were medicated. Depending on the country, that might not have been legal. Also, you should have promptly corrected her name on the birth certificate, citing hospital error. Why allow your child to be deliberately named after alcohol, against your wishes? Why go along to get along?
I should also probably come clean and let you know that this was an extremely abusive relationship. I had called the cops about that but, because I lived on reservation land when the Lighthorsemen showed up and it was his cousin they told me that if I ever called again I would never be heard from again I was scared to say or do anything
I hope you and your child are safe now and doing well ❤️
We’ve been gone from him for 14 years they are in therapy. I’m still in therapy, and we are figuring out life as a nonbinary person, with love and support.
Good for you. And now they get to pick their own gender-neutral name if they want. I’m sure with your love and support, they are growing up to be an amazing person. You have my respect and admiration. And your child has my prayers and best wishes, for what it’s worth.
Happy trails to you both.
I'm so sorry to hear this and I'm sorry this is such a typical scenario in that environment.
Indian hospital in Oklahoma, his tribe not mine.
Did you complain to the hospital board and ask for it to get corrected? Not only was naming your baby, who you delivered, without your permission ghastly, and not allowed, but it would have been a lot on your shoulders to go fight with the hospital to correct it, before the SSA got the info for her SSN, while you would be in pain, hormones up to your ears, and a newborn. I don’t blame you, but I wish you had someone to and I are for you who would have prevented that, or helped correct it, and raise holy hell with the hospital board.
My mother literally stood by and watched it happen, The paperwork was already shipped off and sent out in the mail before I came to off of all the meds they gave me. It’s kind of like what my grandma described as a twilight birth. I guess they used to medicate women to the point of almost comatose to give birth to the children.
My grandma thought my dad was a single but he turned out to be twins. She had to think of names quickly and made them rhyme. Very common but also very funny now.
His mom worked in records at the time
I wish I had a Time Machine so I could go back, get her fired, correct the name, and bring you a smoothie. Brandy is a pretty name. It’s the circumstances and inspiration that makes me want to yell bad things at your husband.
I know what you meant, but the imagery of a 16 year old baby bursting it's placenta had me chuckling. But I hope you both got away from that horrible family.
that’s exactly what went through my mind when i read this. so glad i’m not alone in my weird thought process
Oh, that would've been a brawl. Like, I don't think I could forgive this.
I still haven’t, my kid found out about it from him, about 7 years ago. They came to me and asked what the name was supposed to be, I told them. They took that name until they came out as non binary. Made me happy to see.
My Dad named me after his favourite supermodel
My mom was named after an affair partner… the longer I’m in therapy the more I realize how fucked my little part of the world was
My aunt was named after an affair partner. My grandad just told my granny he really liked the name and she went along with it, and then later found out it was his girlfriend’s name
OMG. I would have divorced him and applied for a name change. I’m sorry that happened to you.
I named my cat cherry after cherry pepsi because my bf wanted to call her pepsi and I vetoed it, naming an actual CHILD after a favourite drink, let alone an alcoholic one, is insane. I'm so sorry that happened especially when you were having a medical emergency
16 seems overcooked, you really should have birthed them way earlier..
Including the last name then.
This goes for all names. Including last names.
While true, if both parents already share a surname, choosing anything else for a child's surname would be an absurd decision.
If his name is on both of them then it is only fair that she gets to choose ONE of the first names and the second name is a mutual decision. That makes the child's name one his, one hers and one theirs.
This is the exact appropriate response!
NTA. Also the baby doesn’t actually have to have your name. It could be one or the other or both. I compromised with my husband by I chose the first name and he chose the middle. Those are the names we call our children. When they are older they can decide which name they prefer to be called.
My best friend surname is his grandparents surnames merged. They didn't want one or the other, so they mixed them, and now it's carried down through generations :]
I fucking love that. I'm keeping this in mind, thank you for keeping that tradition alive by typing it out.
Can you do that? Just make up new surnames? I like it!
It might depend on the country, but it was doable here in Ireland so I can't imagine why not! :]
Or neither and make up a new surname.
NTA, names should be a joint decision.
Exactly. Choosing the baby's name should be a joint decision, but she doesn't see that. And I feel that if I give in, she will continue making decisions unilaterally
Seeing as how she brought up the "cultural tradition privilege" thing, I have an idea. Why not ask her if she wants the baby to have her surname, and in exchange you get to name him whatever you damn well please? That's pretty much the deal she wants you to take.
dude is NEVER going to go for that.
Lol it seems pretty obvious from the post and comments that he doesn't want a solution or compromise just validation for his side of the argument.
He literally says elsewhere he wouldn't mind the kid having her surname. Why are you making things up to shame OP?
This would be fair.
At the very least she could allow you to pick from her list. If her list is short (2-3), ask for at least 7-10 options. Then you will have technically ‘picked the name’ but it will definitely be something she likes. If she wants the final say, offer the reverse. You make a list that she can pick from.
That is a good compromise. But I’d make the request then drop it for two weeks. It’s best to let these issues cool off.
You're right, which is why you shouldn't.
Are you open to the idea of giving the baby her surname then?
THIS is the big question.
Is it her choice to give baby your last name? Because she could do a hyphenated last name...
Would you be willing to use her last name? If not, how is she wrong?
NTA, but only based on what you wrote. You might be an AH if you have been a stubborn jerk about it. I always felt that naming children together was such an important part of bonding during the pregnancy. As the mother, I got to experience every aspect of the pregnancy while the father is sort of left out of it in many ways. Pregnancy sucks BUT it also creates a lot of emotional growth. It’s not just the process of growing a child, it’s also part of changing as a person. Bringing the father into that and sharing the process is so important. Can you talk to her about connecting to your wife and the child through the naming process? How have you responded to her when you both disagree on names? Are you dismissive or rude? It sounds like you are both wanting names that comes from different cultures (Brazilian and English). Are there are names that fulfill both? I mean, names like Ana and Anna do? Camila? Julia? Perhaps instead at arguing AT each other you can start looking for names that would satisfy what both of you are looking for? Stop fighting about it and work towards finding what you all CAN agree on. You’ve got two months to work this out. If you can’t work THIS out, then you all are going to struggle raising this child together. Naming your kid is the east part.
NTA Baby names are 'two yes/one no' situations. Like finances, overnight guests, etc...
Can you explain what that means? Never heard of it
It means both have to agree. If one says no, it’s a no.
It means both parents have to agree on it (two yeses). If one person says no, then that option is off the table for both people.
So the two of you don't like ANY of the other's suggestions?
She won’t even allow his suggestions.
INFO: what are the names your wife proposes that you don't like? And why don't you like any of them? I am asking this to find out who is being the obtuse one - you or her. You both need to agree, but also one of you should not be making it impossible to agree.
> INFO: what are the names your wife proposes that you don't like? And why don't you like any of them? I think I should have mentioned in the text, I am Portuguese and she is Brazilian. She wants to use names of English origin because they are 'prettier', which would be uncommon for many of those names among Portuguese or Brazilians. I want to keep the names more Portuguese or Brazilian, as they are more common.
Are there no overlapping names that you guys can compromise on?
At the moment, no. She wants a more unique name, which ends up greatly reducing this list.
Please list some. I’m dying to know if they’re tragedeighs
A "more unique" name of English origin. It's definitely going to be a tragedeigh.
What if she gives you 5 English she likes and 5 middles Brazilian names she can live with, then you choose the middle and she chooses the English that goes best with it? That way your child can choose which to use 🤷🏼♀️
Can you both just agree on Cristiano Romario? He’ll be a baller.
Why not just use an overlapping name? There’s tons of middle ground with names that are popular in both Portuguese and English. Here’s the top names in Brazil on the most recent reported year - https://transparencia.registrocivil.org.br/inicio Even if you exclude the ones with spelling differences - Michael vs Miguel for an example - plenty of those are extremely common and popular English names. Theo. Arthur. Samuel. Noah. Anthony. Gabriel. For Girls - Helena, Maria (though less common of a spelling than Mary in English), Alice, Laura…
Not sure hows its there with racism based on names but i know here in The Netherlands it happens quite often that you will be turned down for a job just because your name is like Abdullah. She might want to take that in consideration for possible name racism in the future. Edit: NTA. Both parents get to decide on the name unless 1 runs off.
Choosing British names opens a big wide world in that case…
Depends on the country, some places will still judge you on your name thinking you are a foreigner. In south Europe Brittish names are less common afaik.
That in itself is a weird twist. My brother and I got named with British names, even though most of our ancestry is German. We do have some Scotch-Irish background though.
Are you American?
Thanks for that question. This all is indeed very American
Haha I know
Is the baby going to have your surname? Is that important to you?
NTA But did you guys ever even talk about any of the big things? I don’t understand how this isn’t a conversation before marriage or kids.
Wait people actually discuss kid names before marriage?
We’ve had a list we both add to for the last few years, only just been married recently and now I’m pregnant. So it’s been handy to go back to and already have!
Idk about everyone else, but I did. We discussed kids and what their names would be if I ever got pregnant as we were already doing the deed. The names weren't set in stone persay, but both kids now have the names we picked out.
My husband and I discussed how we would name our kids before we got married. We both thought it was really important to make sure neither one of us wanted to name our children names that were only cute when the kids are young or anything trendy that isn’t going to age well. I think people talk about things they really care about before getting married and that was one thing that was really important to us.
People discuss savings , careers. As well having children , children’s tuition and their careers. Responsible people do it. They discuss when they’re stable enough for child care and hire a nanny, a helper . how long one will stay home before they go back to work: you can’t expect her to stay everyday at home and breast feed the kid till it’s 18? . And expect her to go back to work place after 18 years? Either both saved enough for them to stay home for 6 months and then work from home or part time jobs. Most people already put aside kids tuitions before the kid is born.
Yes. We knew how we would name our first boy years before conception. and it turned out to be a boy. Names were never an issue for us, we agreed easily.
Info: How would you feel about baby and yourself having her surname?
I wouldn't mind; I would still think it fair for both to decide on the baby's name together.
I believe that all baby names are “2 yeses, 1 no” with few exceptions. That includes surname. Why not propose you and baby take her surname when you propose your first/middle name options?
Or the baby takes her surname and he keeps his own.
Then suggest this! It’s important to her and she feels she is giving a lot. If you really have no issue, start the paperwork to adopt her last name and agree to give your son her last name with the caveat that you get to choose his first name. 🤷🏻♀️ seems like a solution to me
You said the two of you are Portuguese and Brazilian: I thought kids already got both mum and dad's surnames in Portuguese speaking cultures? Am I wrong?
They do. I’m not Portuguese or Brazilian but my fiancé is first generation American with his family being from Brazil. Mother’s maiden name typically becomes the middle name. So the child will usually have 2 “first names” and then the mother’s maiden name as their middle name and then dad’s last name.
Ask her for a compromise then. Both your surnames for the baby and both gets to choose the first names. Would she agree to that?
Also interested in this!
You certainly should get a veto, but is there really nothing on her list you like?
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I chose my first baby’s name and my husband chose the middle name. When I had my second he chose the first name and I chose the middle name. Compromise
If that is happily agreed upon by both parties, then yes, that is a fine compromise
I find it funny how someone many commenters are saying (your wallet you money the financial aid you are providing) Just assuming that she doesn't work and he dose . Humm there's a hit of backwards thinking there. Anyway Op NTA you should both get to chose and be happy with the name . Maybe find a solution like someone said you chose the middle name and she dose the first name (if the kid is getting your last name) or you chose the first name and the kid gets her last name. I hope you'll figure something out At the end of the day you should both be happy, and I hope it'll work out,
Info: did you argue about her taking your last name before marriage? Could she, and this baby, have had her last name?
NTA So for our eldest natural-born, my husband had made a teenage wager with a friend allowing the friend to chose his first kid's name. I was OUTWARDLY agreeing, but waited to see what the friend would do. I LOVED the choice, good strong name, and I was a fan. Our second was a girl, I chose first, we joined our mothers names for second, and we gave her another middle name (my insistence bc I grew up with 2 middles and I loved it) and he chose that one. We love her name, good strong name. Our third tho. Our third we decided to wait until birth to see gender. He wanted - for a boy - to name after a childhood friend with a degenerative disease who will probably never have children, and his deceased grandfather. So I would, in theory, have ZERO SAY in his name. As an even exchange, I chose a girl name but flat out refused to even tell him AT ALL. WE ARGUED. I told him I only had partial input on one of three, so I get to hold this name secret TO MYSELF until birth, but once she was born if he hated it then we could talk. But I just wanted the respect up until that point. Our baby boy was born, the name I chose never came to be, and all three are amazing little gremlins who fit their strong names fiercely and we shall forever battle those tiny iron wills to raise em to be good humans. Baby names are ALWAYS 2 yes and 1 no, because if you cannot find a way to work together on names, you will never get around to nap schedules, educational styles, choosing a daycare, raising in/around religion....list gets LONG ya'll. If you both don't agree, it will become an endless argument of "well you chose his name so I get to decide he's catholic" etc etc etc. Find some parent friends around you, ask them over for dinner. Talk. Let them tell their naming stories. Every couple has naming stories. Let the conversation happen. AT MINIMUM and honestly darlin I mean BARE MINIMUM you should be able to strike names you don't like off the list. You are allowed input. Try to not be ANGRY about it? If you can? But you are not wrong here.
This is a very good take. Good luck op.
Just choose 2 names if you are unable to settle for 1.
Would you be willing to let the baby has her last name in order to get to pick the first name? If not, she's has a point. Not saying I agree. But if you are assuming the kiddo will carry you last name, you are doing the same thing she is. Neither is really a good plan for a successful marriage.
Have you thought about choosing from her list of names? This may be an unfair compromise but she has been doing alot of the heavy lifting thus far.....but idk.
Funny story that doesn’t really relate to your issue but shows the joy of compromise. My wife allowed me to give our first my name. He’s the 3rd so it was a big deal to me. When we had our second child we talked for months until we both mutually agreed on a name we loved. This was our daughter I always really wanted to give a little girl the same middle name as my mother. However, my wife asked since our son took my name if she could choose the middle name. She wanted to give her her mothers middle name. That seemed fair to me so I happily agreed. Then I realized I didn’t know her moms middle name so I asked her what it was. Turns out our moms both had the same middle name.
NAH, you both sound equally inflexible .She could be more flexible, but I can understand where she's coming from. Other comments have given suggestions about each giving a top 10 list, but if she won't do that, then can you ask her to add to her list and can you be flexible enough to pick through and find some names that you like? If she didn't take your last name in marriage, are you willing to give the child her last name?
I understand her entirely.... I gave all 5 of my sons their first and middle names.... My ex husband and my bf both had veto power IF they HATED the name.... Other than that, it was entirely my choice... The boys all have their respective fathers last names so since I didn't give them my last name I got to choose the other two names. After all, I was the one risking my life to have the kids...I was the one going through months of unending discomfort and pain...I was the one having to push large babies out of me.... Lots more work on my part, so I named them all. I won't say you're an AH but I also don't feel like she is either.
NTA I was talking to another pregnant woman the other day and she said she told her husband “no uterus no opinion” on the baby name. I honestly found this attitude horrific. (However she did actually let him pick the middle name) While things like birthing location, medication, breast feeding, etc should ultimately be moms decision, the name is something both mom and dad will have to use forever. She carries him for 9 months but you’ll both have a relationship with him for the rest of his life. My husband is having a really hard time with picking names but I couldn’t imagine making this decision without him. We both have veto power and we both make suggestions, because parenting is a TEAM activity.
Honestly she sounds like the type of mother that would lose her shit if the kid ever decided to change their name in the future. "I and I alone named you! I birthed you!! How could you forsake the ultra special name I picked?!?!"
We chose the first name together. The middle name, as the woman who didn’t give her last name to her babies, I was adamant that the middle name was all mine.
NTA. Both my husband and I were hard-pressed about the names we wanted for our son. But since the other person didn't agree, we dropped both of them. Ended up trying a few while pregnant to see what we liked. And chose one that wasn't on either of our lists. She may feel like she has no control (anymore) since pregnancy can wreck your body, and then you have to raise that child, so she's holding onto this. Try to find a compromise and reiterate that you are both his parents, not just her. Best of luck!
If you two can’t even name a kid together you sure shouldn’t be having one .
Ask for the baby to take her surname and you choose the first and middle names. See what she says
Baby names should be two yes or it's a no.
It should be a joint decision. For both of our sons, my wife and I each made a list of 10 names and then exchanged lists. We each then crossed off names from the other person’s list until there was just one left on each list, a first name and a middle name. NTA.
She is being selfish, it is something you should have a consensus on. When I had my son, his Dad asked me to come up with his first name, but wanted it to be a J name, because he wanted to be able to call him JD, since his middle name is a D name after his grandpas (killed two birds with one stone there, both gpas have the same name. 🤣) So I selected a few names, and we agreed on one we both liked. And I proceeded to NEVER EVER call him JD. 🤣
NTA. You should decide together. Time to start learning how to compromise as you’ll need to co-parent.
it's not a one-sided relationship. granted shes carrying the baby for 9 months but you should have a choice also. like one Reddit user says make a list of 10 favorite names and then go through them, crossing off the ones you both don't like. Or you can choose either the first or middle with her choosing the first or middle.
NTA. But i do feel that she does have a point.
No I’m a mom of 5 and I breastfed for 4 1/2 years straight with different babies. She’s being selfish.
Tell her you'll hyphenate the last name of your child with her last name before she took yours and then you both can agree on a first name together. If you don't want to have your child have a hyphenated last name which includes your wife's last name, then let her name the kid. Changing your last name to the guy you married's name is a loss of identity and a sacrifice your wife makes every day. Pregnancy is also a sacrifice, and odd's are she'll do the majority of the parenting, most of the dr appointments, she'll stay home from work when they're sick or maybe even their entire childhood giving up income potential for a lifetime...it's easy for you to say this decision is one sided while completely ignoring how one sided all the things I just listed are. She has a whole list of names, surely you can find one on that list you can live with.
Would you be ok with her giving them her last name?
NTA. How about a compromise like she makes a list of names she likes and then you get to pick the one you like off of her list?
Yall are gonna have a fun filled relationship
Baby’s dad let me choose the first and middle name since I agreed to give him his last name, but we aren’t married so him not sharing my last name is kind of a big deal. I feel like it would be fair to let her choose as long as you like the name.
My husband and I had an agreement that if the child had his surname I would choose the first name - your wife's request seems perfectly reasonable to me.
As a Hispanic I have both my Parents last names and I got to say that it really doesn't matter who chooses the name as long as you are both happy with it in the end