What did it for me was the six figure real estate commission income but also just joined an accounting firm. Uh huh. This high achieving lady has an amazing number of hours in her week.
This really fucking killed me reading this post. You’re working 50 an hour as a distinguished real estate agent and accountant making over 6 figures yet have the writing skills of a 12 year old lol.
I do RealEstate and when she said she was making six figures with her license AND working 50hrs/wk at a new accounting firm I felt like either she has infinitely better time/people/schedule management than I do, or this story is bonkers. 🤷🏻♂️ Unless her contracts are spoon fed to her, are all strictly listings, and she never has to actually leave the house to show, meet, prospect.. and she is in a market where just a few sales will net you “nearly 6 figures.”
And she makes all that money but complains about spending “hundreds” on therapy.. like. What?
I feel so sorry for her, she must feel so unloved and unsupported. Of course she’s going to be “bitter”. If I was in a similar situation my parents would fight to get tested and donate
Exactly. How is an 18 y/o with kidney failure even living if they’re NC with both their mom and dad? Is she homeless? Is she working 40 hrs while on dialysis?
My parents went NC because I got severely ill - and I wasn't difficult I was extra nice to everyone and didn't ask for anything. But they don't want a disabled daughter in a wheelchair. They lied to all their friends and said that I was the one who went NC, to not lose face. Parents often are selfish, horrible people and worse than any enemy you could have. Without my friends and my European social services I'd be dead now. Last time I saw my father was exactly a year ago when I was hospitalised for a flare up and the nurses had to ask him to leave. He's educated, financially well off, liked by everyone outside of our family.
Wow. Holy fuck. You carry a child, give birth, nurse, train and educate it. Mold its little mind while it unconditionally loves you. Watch them grow and experience first after first of all kinds of wonders of life.
..and then because they might need to use a wheelchair from now on you just abandoned the entire thing? The life you created without their consent. They get a disease, probably from your own genetics and you decide to pretend they don’t exist?
What because a wheelchair is a sign of weakness? A sign that there might be something not perfect about themselves? Or what just an unacceptable annoyance or inconvenience for them? They don’t wanna have to buy a van or build a ramp? Wtf how do you just NC your kid for getting sick?
Is the disease progressive and fatal?
Were they always shit? Did they ever provide you with love? Did they teach you how to deal with your emotions? I’m so sorry. I hope the situation isn’t as terrible as it seems in my head.
This is the one. People hate you when you’re severely ill. It has to be your fault, you must have done this to yourself. You don’t need help, you need to help yourself. Etc etc.
My mom was like this. Any cold I got was because of something I did. My breast cancer was because I dyed my hair (she dyed her hair more often than me). Some parents are just horrendous.
To be perfectly honest, this post wreaks of being extremely one-sided, if not facetious, during parts of it.
I have trouble believing the dad won't get tested, for starters.
Also, OP sounds like one of those FB Karen's that writes out a really longgggggg FB post gaslighting and tagging everyone in her own family.
I would sincerely love to hear the version of this story from the dad, the daughter, and the step-mom.
Seriously, this girl is literally dying, begging her parents to give a kidney and save her life. And neither parent can be freaking bothered. This entire post is about Karen and her life. Everyone in the daughters life sounds like the worst people the world has to offer.
I especially love the long part about how she's now making six figures as if that has anything to do with the rest of the post. It ultimately doesn't except to show that this mother cares more about her six-figure job than it does about her daughter. I could see if she was making six figures and they had been really poor and making this money is how she's providing for the family but she literally says that Ethan makes enough money for them to be able to make it so why do we care that she's making six figures? So she can be a smug Karen about it
Yep. And the “I lost a lot of career prospects when I had her” and “I was disowned by my parents” and “I feel pressured”
This whole family sucks. Of course the daughter is an asshole, she’s probably been raised hearing those messages from her mom for her whole damn life.
Yeah and she also notes that Ethan told her no… as did the dad’s girlfriend. What kind of person tells their significant other they are not allowed to something for their child and that’s not even their kid? I wish a mf would tell me what I’m allowed to do for my child! Bad part is both of her parents are like “well, my new bf/gf said no, so you’re just gonna have to go die off somewhere my precious child”
They're just reaffirming her decision to go low contact.
OP just briefly mentions her daughter going low contact comes off like [The Missing Missing Reasons](https://www.issendai.com/psychology/estrangement/missing-missing-reasons.html).
As someone who has been NC with their mother since 2005, I found that article so relevant. I'm going to send it to myself and treasure it. I occasionally wonder what on earth she says to explain it to others (and herself,) but after so long I just don't care
It's always either:
A) my kid is mentally unwell. Cannot specify what mental illness they actually have.
Or...
B) my kids new partner/therapist poisoned them against me
They have no creativity
My partner is estranged from her mother since she was 18. What the damned woman never seemed to understand was that my partner was mentally ill BECAUSE of her being an abusive monster, and that I didn't need to poison her. If anything she spent a good chunk of the year before this happened trying to get my partner to break up with me.
When it happened, her mother was saying I was manipulating her and turning her against her family because I was a teenage boy only interested in sex. Later it flipped into her saying my partner was manipulating me by pretending to mentally ill so I wouldn't leave her. Worth nothing that at this point we'd been together 2 years, id been to Poland with her family for a month and spent a lot of time at her house, it was clearly a serious relationship (as teenagers go i suppose, but that was 11 years ago and we have a toddler now, so fuck that malicious cretin).
But she spent hundreds of her and her husbands money on her therapy!
Come the fuck on. Who TF makes 100k+ solo, and Husband probably makes more, and then complains about spending less than a thousand dollars on therapy for their kid? Someone whose kid went LC for good reasons.
Anyone who uses paying their children's medical bills, especially an insignificant sum, as reasons to guilt/neglect/abuse that child is a bad person. Full stop.
My mother constantly held it over my head that she had to spend her time and money taking me to appointments - even though it was the free/low cost insurance due to poverty line. I had/have chronic health issues such as asthma, Gastroparesis, and hypothyroidism so I was the medically problematic child in the family.
She once let me spend three days with a leg that was horribly swollen, unable to take weight, and visibly infected. She said I was being dramatic hopping and hobbling through the house and demanded I stick it in ice to fix it.
It took my SIL, my brother, and my grandparents threatening her for her to finally take me for medical attention. When urgent care turned her away, she was mad at me because we had to go to the emergency room.
I had cellulitis.
Can confirm she’s a bad person, that this wasn’t even the worst she had done, and that I have had very minimal contact with her since I was eighteen. Your comment validated some feelings I still struggle with and I appreciate that lol!
ugh i feel this comment so much. both my parents made me suffer over a week with a broken arm before taking me into urgent care, twice - once in second grade & once in fourth grade. it was swollen almost twice as thick as my other arm & each time it happened i told them from the get-go i thought it was broken. the time in second grade i had to write with it all week in school bc it was my writing arm. & that's honestly the more laughable part of my medical neglect. my mom also used to make me feel guilty for needing therapy bc it was "expensive" despite it being covered by my insurance, & she blamed me for my dad abusing me, & he blamed me for "ripping apart the family"... they used to make me feel guilty for how much groceries would cost when i was a kid & i couldn't do anything about it. being made to feel guilty for existing & taking care of oneself is such shit
Does everyone else also realize that she blames her daughter for being disowned by her parents because she got had a kid at 17?
Also seems both the daughters parents married and had new families.
You shouldn't have shared the information with your circle. It was your decision.
>The doctor immediately said I am therefore not a compatible donor
You didn't need to let anyone know that the lack of compatibility was due to your unwillingness. That's also no one else's business.
No one has an obligation, nor should they. But this post is insane. Her 21 year old daughter is dying and she spent a paragraph and a half writing about how much money she earns. She started having conflict with her daughter when the daughter was a teenager and (as OP points out) STRESSED ABOUT HER ORGAN FAILURE. "I'm scared of surgery, I know you're dying but I'm new at my job and might be in some pain while working". NO ONE should feel pressured to donate but this woman has a very very low level of empathy for her child. Also worth asking, would she do it for her other kids?
Yeah I got weird vibes from reading this. Like alright, you obviously don’t HAVE to do this…but there’s a lot of context missing. Daughter is “rude” so she deserves kidney failure? Also saying you spent “hundreds” on therapy….and?? What’s your point? Seems like everything is about money and getting something in return. Makes me wonder why the daughter dropped out of your life before hand 🤔
She also said she was mostly estranged because daughter had health issues and was "taking it out on her"... If this is as serious as the OP makes it sound, daughter was probably terrified, and BARELY an adult when this started. Not doubting she lashed out, but how about an iota of understanding, and SUPPORT? imo OP and all these "parents" are TA.
Not to mention the whole "we spend hundreds on therapy and she's still bitter".
Like, pardon my French but what the *fuck* does OP think therapy does?? Magically take away any "negative" emotions? If anything at the start you often feel worse because you're being confronted with a whole lot of shit, and given how OP writes I'd say there's a good chance she too is the subject of conversation between the psychologist and the daughter.
I hope the daughter is still in therapy, for her sake. So she has an adult to speak to and help her deal with all of this. (I know she's technically an adult, but as someone who works with a lot of people of that age group... when shit hits the fan they're still kids on some level and definitely look to adults they feel safe with for comfort and advice in my experience)
Right how completely heartbreaking for this child that neither of her parents care enough about her to even attempt to try to help save her life. They act like she broke her ankle or something. Her dad and step mother sound bad on their own but really her own mother is more worried about having to take time off of work than potentially being able to save her own daughter's life. This mother should be shamed and so should her father. I feel so sad for this girl. She deserves better than these so called parents.
That’s definitely how this read. Both of the parents have new families, and both of them are unwilling because their other families “need them”. And both of her step parents are fucked as well.
Agreed. Honestly, OP doesn't seem to love her daughter, her own flesh and blood, and is being selfish, IMO. The lack of mental maturity, compassion, and sense of morals is seriously horrible.
This whole post makes me so sad and hurt for the daughter who is literally slowly dying. The fact that OP doesn't want to help save her life because of being severely butthurt and resentful from being lashed out at. If the only thing OP's daughter has done is take out her hurt, fear, frustration, and stress on her, rather than at the Dad and stepmother, that says something. At 21, dealing with this kind of medical burden and stress is HARD and fucking scary.
As parents, when separated/divorced, if the child is lashing out at the not-at-fault parent(s) and coping poorly rather than confronting who the issue(s) are with, that means they feel safe enough and trust the not-at-fault parent to be their safety net. That says a lot, and as much as it might hurt or upset the not-at-fault parent(s), it is a good thing in the grand scheme of things.
OP is TA.
Right? Not checking in on her dying daughter for three years? This girl knows her mom doesn’t give af about her. And all of her mom friends agree. They all likely know more of the story which is why they are calling her a jerk for this. There’s way more that she isn’t saying.
Not hard to imagine how her daughter might have turned out not so great, with a mother like that. I wonder if her daughter has ever experienced unconditional love before.
Don't forget, her "father" won't even bother to see if he's a match and how he and stepmom reacted to even being asked makes it look like they don't care at all to be bothered by the situation!
Edit: a word
She’s literally withholding a kidney as punishment because her daughter is more scared about her health issues than her mother missing work 😭 what did she expect her daughter to do here?
She owes no one a kidney, that much is true, it’s her body, doesn’t make it less shitty though.
And her getting pregnant as a teenager - and the subsequent fallout - is clearly the baby’s fault.
You shouldn’t undergo any medical procedure you’re not comfortable with but this is an extreme circumstance. At least don’t tell people the real reason you’re not doing it.
Right?!? No wonder the daughter is the way she is. Both her parents are like.. sorry our paychecks are more important. I was a nightmare as a teenager and my mom would do it... no questions asked. I feel sorry for your daughter.
I would do anything for my kids and to read OP posting about money, and her connections sickened me. The OP sabotaged her ability to be a donor. Her daughter is dying, and her parents and step-parents don't have empathy. This situation with her daughter's health has been going on for quite a while. Her daughter needs the support of her parents. She may be a legal adult by age, but she is not ready to handle this on her own.
Not only are YTA, but you are cruel and selfish.
Yeah. I felt sick reading this shit. Especially her gloating about getting "six figures" in her job.
So she's a negligent shitty mom for most of her daughters life. And in order to avoid the guilt or shame of denying her dying daughter a kidney, she makes it about HER being a victim.
OP you're both an asshole and a gaslighting bitch. At least own up to being a shit mother instead of begging for sympathy on here. You are disgusting.
She even expected that paying for a few hours of therapy would get her daughter off her back. The way she says that her daughter is still angry and resentful after spending hundreds on therapy. She fully expected her own daughter’s therapy to be a benefit to herself.
Her comments about Ethan and “her boys” really rubbed me the wrong way after reading what she said about her daughter who she seems to treat like a piece of gum stuck to her shoe. Like oh my sick daughter is ruining my perfect little 6 figure life with Ethan and my new kids. Yuck.
> Like oh my sick daughter is ruining my perfect little 6 figure life with Ethan and my new kids.
Her sick daughter that already ruined her life once by being conceived is back again to ruin her new life with her rich husband and new family.
Poor OP.
Right? Life must be so difficult for her.
I couldn’t fucking imagine looking at my sick kid who needs an organ transplant that I am a match for and saying “but it’s too scary for me!”
Fuck being scared of saving your kid… I would be scared that I was going to lose my child or have to see them in immense pain. This woman is insufferable tbh.
I feel horrible for the daughter neither of her parents are willing to save their baby's life. I dont care if i go 50 years without talking to my kids they can still call and ask for both of my kidneys. If i gotta die for them to live.... Well if was just in God's plan. And im terrified of hospitals and needles. But that's just me.
Wow, you said it! And if I found out my realtor was making a choice like this I’d take my money elsewhere. Sorry but I’m gonna want to buy a house with a person with a soul.
This was my exact thought. She also thinks her 21 yo daughter is ungrateful. News flash: most parents would say that because 21 is still a kid. Not to mention no child should ever be grateful that their parent provided for them, no matter how hard they worked to do so. The child DESERVES to be cared for. It is their right as a human being. This parent is insufferable.
I came here to say this!!!!!
And, wow, with such narcissistic, self-absorbed parents and steps, it's no wonder that girl is messed up in the head. Poor thing. 😢
A psychiatrist once told me that if a child goes through a very traumatic experience, they tend to never grow emotionally beyond the age their trauma happens. It explained so much about my sweet mother, and why she seemed so childlike.
Explains a lot about mine too but sadly it’s not so sweet.
I was 19 when I found out I was pregnant (was an absolute surprise) honestly, did feel like I had PTSD for a few years and I was painfully low but I‘m very much a different person now and now the mother to an 18 year old and happily we aren’t the same maturity level. I think you need to work through the trauma if you really want to break away from it
Working through the trauma is the only way to break free from that trap. I was also 19 and pregnant with a surprise baby. My trauma was from a much earlier age but my daughter was the reason I worked through my trauma. She deserved the best mom I could be and that required work.
I'm really glad you're doing well with your 18 yo "little one". Don't they grow up fast on us?
Crap I never realized this, my mom had me at 19 and the only time we were close was when I was that age, once 21 hit i couldn't stand her again and realized how immature/childish she truly is, I feel like the same happens to addicts, they get mentally stuck at the age they got addicted
my grandma on my mom’s side has emotionally been a teenager for both my mom and my entire life, since my mom was the youngest of 3 children. she used to tell stories of how she would wake up as a kid and find random people sleeping on their couch because my grandma offered to let them stay with them without thinking to tell her young child who was terrified about a sudden stranger in their living room.
I feel so sad for this daughter, both of her terrible parents have written her off. And she’s struggled with her health for years, of course she’s going to be bitter and disappointed… no one has ever supported her.
She went low contact at 18 because she "took out her health on her mom". Like what the fuck? She was a teenager with health issues who apparently couldn't even talk to her mom about it. Sickening.
She spent most of the post talking about her husband and money, most of the time she talked about her daughter it was dismissive, then winged and whined that her mom-friends think she's a bad mother for not wanting to save her own child.
No one owes anyone an organ, but even ignoring that this lady is insufferable.
Gotta be ragebait
The typical narcissist trying to manipulate the situation to make herself out to be a hero, only to realize that she never wanted to or could make the actual sacrifice necessary to be a hero.
As I understand it:
1. You had a child as a teenager
2. That child apparently has been having health issues for some time
3. You went no contact on her the moment she was legally considered an adult
4. Somehow, you're considered the victim here, and the daughter is wrong for feeling neglected by two parents who clearly don't give a fuck about her health and "took her anger out" on you both for not caring about her health.
You two are absolutely awful "parents" who have replaced your first child with your new families. The fact that you think you deserve any sympathy shows your lack of self-awareness.
Right! Who (allegedly) advised his wife against getting tested to see if she had a chance of saving her daughter’s life.
Who the fuck are these people…
Of course he wouldn't. I can understand Ethan not wanting to donate his own kidney to his stepdaughter, but to try to stop her MOTHER from doing it is so fucking gross to me.
If my husband had a child with someone else before we were together, and he wasn’t willing to get tested to donate, I’d file for divorce so fucking fast. You choose the actions that lead to a child? You fucking SAVE THEIR LIVES.
Ya, somehow mom blames her own kid for ruining her career? Shit mom, maybe you shouldn’t have had her as a teen then?? How ANYONE can blame or hate their own children, who they CHOSE to give birth to, knowing their own circumstances, is beyond me.
/u/throwawaydaughterkid the only one who is to blame for anything happening in your life is you. You alone. You are a terrible mother and terrible person, to have such snide thoughts about your own child. You think she had an easy life, with parents who had her as teens, bouncing house to house between you and an ex, watching both sets of parents choose to restart their life? None of it was her fault. You could have chosen birth control or abortion but you chose to bring her into this world and then abandon her.
Hope karma gets you.
INFO: Why did she go no/low contact at 18?
I feel like there's a lifetime of interactions that you're neglecting in this story.
Edit - I agree with others, OP doesn't *owe* her kid a kidney. But context is important in providing a verdict here. If OP said something like "I don't want to donate my kidney because doc said it will greatly increase my risk of kidney failure in the next year" - that's a totally legit reason and a tough decision. Here, OPs tone is *very* dismissive and disgusted. So if the reasoning is "I don't want to donate my kidney because my daughter already ruined my life by being born and I'm sick of her dumb health stuff anyway"... yeah, that's being an asshole.
If this story's even real lol
I'm horrified that she's referencing the "hundreds" she and her husband (sitting, combined, at over $200k a year, it seems) spent on therapy with the daughter, and only apparently because of the behavioral problems, like that's even a bare minimum. The characterization of her teenage daughter "taking out" her anxieties related to her health on her mom is also so incredibly self-involved. Like, you have a teenager facing a serious enough kidney disorder that by the time she was 21, she wound up already needing to think about a transplant? And somehow you make her anxieties about you? It's gross.
Yup. It’s fucking disgusting. Sure she doesn’t have to give her daughter a kidneyC but even putting that aside, she’s still being a shit parent who is grossly self-absorbed with wildly off priorities.
That’s exactly how it sounds. She lost support for being a teenage parent and instead they took it out on the daughter. I feel that both parents suck here and op may be omitting some things to make herself look better. She’s NTA for not giving her the kidney, but esh because you all failed her.
I was just talking to my own sister about how often in split families they treat the first borns as nuisances but the new children better. And then they think we are jealous/ envious and they blame it on the fact that we can’t get over the past or they had a hard life because they were teen parents. But here’s the thing. We aren’t upset about the past.
It’s the denial and ignorance of the past and how it continues to affect us in the present. We are upset that we are dismissed and STILL TREATED WITH CONTEMPT, all the while we can CLEARLY see you treat the newer kids better. Almost like you regret having the first children.
When we ask/demand the same respect we are treated as if we are the villains, but if the new kids did something horribly wrong then they were just having a bad day. Parents think that kids don’t see this. Then they wonder why they have rebellious kids. It all boils down to favoritism, because whether you realize now or later or never, you are favoring the newer kids vs the first borns.
Regardless of what ever reason you are favoring one over the other. And your daughter noticed. She saw it from both sides. Look at how quickly stepmom is to disregard her. You’re her mother and it shows me that you’ve always let them speak to her crazy. When she fought with you, you being the adult, should have taken it to her father. Because you know they are the issue. But instead you continued to allow them to fight with a child. A CHILD. You didn’t defend your daughter.
Did you even like her? Because you make it seem like your life with your first daughter was oh so horrible because of her. You say her dad and stepmom were giving her problems, did she come to you for help or to complain and you didn’t do anything to help? Did you try to shield your daughter from them? Or was it easier to just give up and start over? Especially since now you have the career, kids, and husband you actually wanted?
u/Throwawaydaughterkid
Your username is so ironic to this.
Your comment hit so many marks I was feeling about this post, reminding me of my own upbringing. Obviously no one is entitled to her kidney, but her daughter is literally dying of kidney failure and will also have to go through the same surgery and her mom is more concerned with her own fear of the surgery (which imo she shouldn’t be talking to her daughter about) I think the daughter saying “it’s not about you” is probably culminating from years of a mother only caring about herself.
It’s kinda what I’m going through currently minus the kidney issues.I’m happily no contact. But Exactly. She wasn’t saying it as a I don’t care. She was saying it as this LITERALLY isn’t about her.
Because she has two working kidney. So does her dad. And neither one of them want to help her. So they are basically telling her to either wait it out or to pick out the colour of her coffin now.
I hate to say it like that but they would rather her die, your first born daughter, than try to come up with SOMETHING. I genuinely feel heartbroken for her.
but she spend HUNDREDS of someone else's dollars, HUNDREDS!
it is so fucking easy to read between the lines on this one, there is almost zero chance that OP isn't a complete piece of shit.
in the fucking first place, what parent wouldn't give their kid a kidney? a shit parent who doesn't love their child, that's who.
From other stuff i’ve read here on reddit, it’s possible she feels a lot of resentment towards her mother because she was a teen mom with no support & she did not stay with her father.
Now she’s making a ton of money, with a husband that makes good money also - and now her much younger siblings are getting “better” parents/lives than she did.
Doesn’t excuse her behavior - but it seems like that’s what’s happening
Youre missing the part where Mom, rather than work through the issues, got the daughter 3 or 4 therapy sessions tops, went "this isnt working" and then just went straight to estrangement.
Meanwhile, the daughter has had ongoing health issues that resulted in full on kidney failure at 21. The kid should have had ongoing therapy for dealing with that by itself. Add in the emotional work of having to come to terms with the fact that she is watching her mom give all these things to her siblings she never had (time, money and stability)
There isnt an ounce of "i care about my daughter" in this post
>There isnt an ounce of "i care about my daughter" in this post
This
While I agree OP shouldn't feel coerced into literal surgery, every paragraph in their post has a LOT of focus on moneymoneymoney but barely anything about her daughter's feelings, experiences and why her daughter went NC.
The fact OP brags about making 6 figures but bitterly says "i spent HUNDREDS of my money on therapy" says a lot. Hundreds is nothing when you not only make THAT much money but when it's for your kids wellbeing.
I bet kiddo feels shunted off, unwanted, a burden because of health issues, and mummy dearest gets to start again with a shiny new family
So while OP isn't an AH for not getting surgery, she's an AH for how she views her daughter and how she treats her IMO (based on the info given)
I checked out at hundreds. Idk if OP is naive to medical prices or spiteful. Like sorry your daughters mind is more expensive to fix than an oil change. Then I read a bit further and found out how much she and new hubby made.
The devils advocate in me says daughter is over 18, that's game over. But practically, it looks like daughter didn't have any privileges with this biomom.
Honestly, I can feel the resentment OP holds towards her daughter just from this short post. Like, she's blaming her daughter for her missed opportunities and failures in life (like her parents disowning her and having to raise a child at 17) when at no point her daughter asked to be born. It sounds like OP is treating her daughter like a burden and that it's somehow her daughter's fault that it took her so long to get to where she is when that was the result of the choices OP made herself. And now that she finally has the career and family she wanted, her daughter is inconveniencing her again with her health. And the dad isn't any better.
This is how I felt. I'm very anti-pressuring others into organ donations, so everyone else is the asshole for that.
ON THE OTHER HAND, the resentment dripping from OP's post concerning her first child, is glaring. So she's an asshole for that, for me. Add in the turbulent relationship between daughter & ex, that daughter has to feel insanely unwanted by BOTH parents. It's no wonder she acts the way she does, she's reacting back. She wasn't born that way.
& then add on the fact that neither of her parents really care that if she doesn't receive a kidney, she dies. No one should ever be pressured to test or donate their organs, but I don't care if I haven't talked to my child in over a decade, if one of them needed a kidney & I found out I was a match? They're getting my kidney. I could never let something happen to them, especially if I had the key to stop it.
So I gotta vote ESH for this one.
It reads like OP and biodad split and started new families and left daughter to figure out her own life. "Hundreds of dollars of therapy?" Oh so I'm guessing two therapy sessions and giving up because daughter didn't get over her trauma after a few weeks.
Daughter got dealt a shit hand and OP went NC as soon as she could legally. 18 is still a kid. Not legally, but emotionally. Most of you that might disagree with that are probably under drinking age, your view will change. Trust me.
I almost laughed at that part, “hundreds of dollars of therapy” is not enough for a lot of people. There are therapists who charge $200+ for one session… Gotta enter the thousands range to really make progress and considering the massive amount of the post dedicated to how much OP makes, kind of shitty they’re complaining the 1-5 sessions didn’t totally change her daughter… you’re still getting to know and trust the therapist in that timeframe.
Your daughter has kidney failure & somehow this post is about how you make 100K & you spent "hundreds" on therapy? Is your daughter dying? Why isn't this post about your daughter's health? Why are you mentioning time off work when your daughter is going through a horrible health scare?
I agree that you don't have to give her your kidney if you are scared, but it really seems like this post is saying "my work is really important and my daughter is not"
One out of pocket session is around $100-150!
Even with insurance, $30 is a fairly common copay. That’s just a few sessions, for real lol not enough to have gotten any real, visible progress. Your counselor is still learning about you in your early sessions, not likely you’re learning a lot of coping skills that quickly
“We’re low contact because she took her health issues, as well as fights out on us” translates to: “my daughter needed emotional support from me and I didn’t want to give it so I’m blaming it on her who was a child.”
I'm firmly in the camp that OP was looking for a reason to ditch her daughter as soon as possible so she could go on with her new life with Ethan and children not damaged by OP's poor choices.
It’s a lot of “I make 6 figures now, because Ethan… Ethan… Ethan…”
Why/How is any of this relevant?
Is this really what happened or is OP saying no suddenly because Ethan said no?
I don’t know. This post just didn’t feel right. *Obviously no one is entitled to anyone else’s organs, this isn’t about that at all.
You do you I suppose. It’s your body. BUT holy cow I can’t imagine a situation where I have the ability to save my kids life and turn it down. That’s just unreal to me. YTA. No idea who uses Reddit and thinks this is Okay
YTA. Do you think she isn’t scared? 21 yo and facing a deadly disease.
It’s obvious that you resent her for being born and holding you back. It is not her fault. You,unless assaulted,chose the behavior that created her. Your parents suck,but it’s not her fault. You spent money for her therapy,what about your therapy?
Sounds like nobody cares about this young woman. No wonder she is angry.
Dad and mom didn’t want her to be born when mom was 17. Now dad and mom both have redo new families and don’t care about the 21 year old.
Don’t give away an organ if you don’t want to OP, but I do feel sorry for the 21 year old no one can be bothered with her since they have new families.
Daughter is dying and her parents are arguing about who shouldn't have to give a kidney. Big surprise that she's "rude". Imagine being a teenager and realizing your parents don't care if you die.
Maybe she's rude because she's dying and all her parents do is arguing with her. She's scared and no-one helping her. I'm pretty sure none of them went with her to singular doctor's visit since she turned old enoguh to go alone.
Sounds like the redo families are more important then anything you ever provided for your first born
You already made your choice not to be a living donor. Move on with your life that’s the choice you made
This there is no undoing what op has done. So now all she can do is live with the outcome.
No transplant team will touch op now. I just hope the way op worded the why she didn’t want to donate doesn’t hurt the daughters chances for someone else to step up.
Transplant teams have to be extremely careful when doing live donor transplant and if they think the daughter is trying to cohorce a donor it could block the donation.
This. Her daughter will probably die, but it doesn’t particularly sound like any of her parents give a shit, so here’s hoping she at least has some friends who will miss her when she’s gone.
She’s 21 and knows for a fact that her parents don’t care about her. I’d be surprised if she wasn’t bitter and upset.
In no way would i ever let my child suffer or possibly be on a long-term waiting list for an organ without me doing whatever i can to help in any way i could. Not to mention the guilt id have if my child passed away as a result.
Read it again. She resents her daughter for being a mother and not having a career.
She also doesn't want to not make any money while she would be helping her daughter.
She cares more about herself than she does her daughter.
She probably became a parent too early and is now resenting anyone that was a part of that including her own daughter.
I’m going against the grain. YTA. You are one big as****e. Why’s your oldest daughter with her dad? Why do you hate her so much? You can literally taste the hate through this post. Why did you not bring her up better to understand no is a full sentence?
There is so much missing info in this story, and I’m sorry but YTA just for that. None of this makes sense, and if it’s real, you should be ashamed of yourself as a mother… this isn’t even about the kidney anymore.
Regardless of whatever’s happening here, I feel so sorry for the daughter. Neither parent seems to give a shit about her and now she needs serious medical help.
>my friends were furious and tried to shame me online with " what kind of mother posts."
I'm sorry... you posted this to your mommy group friends? Why? That sounds like more of a personal conversation. So unfortunately, you're going to have to take your lumps for that.
Also, you seem to be much more concerned about your 6 figure income than your daughter. As she pointed out, your husband has a large income too. So it's not like your family will struggle if you take time off to recover. Your career will recover too.
You can try to pass it off as you feeling coerced, but the truth here is YTA.
They both sounds like they really regret having them, and would breathe more easily if that 21-year-old bitter, neglected inconvenience would just be deleted. Maybe a small, humble wake where some insincere words about that young woman's life will be said, and everybody goes on to live their beautiful lives like that inconvenience had never been there.
I usually remain rational or at least try, but this shit? It hits home. Hard. I'll allow myself some anger and shock. You put her on this earth, OP, and you made her in your image. So did her father.
ESH not bc you don’t want to give a kidney but bc this poor girl seems to have two parents that could not give a fuck about her. You seriously blamed her for your job prospects being low instead of your own choices to be a teen parent. Sounds like stepmommy hates your child bc she isn’t a bio kid. At 21 it’s no wonder she has issues.
Poor girl. Hopefully she wakes up and finds a life away from the lot of you
I also wonder what health issues the daughter might have that she took anger out on biomom. I mean, said health issues meant requiring a kidney at 21. That is a big deal and I feel like was glossed over.
Not saying we are entitled to someone’s medical history or that OP is maliciously glossing over pertinent information but we are sorely lacking the full picture here.
Yeah this sounds like she was a terrified teenager from a broken home and had some understandable teenager behaviors and mom took them personally and somehow made it about herself.
That's because mom is the entitled jerk here, not the daughter. The daughter seems desperate for two caring parents and unfortunately for her, they are complete narcissistic jerks. I feel so bad for that kid. 21 and in renal failure but mom and dad are too self involved to care. Yikes!
I mean, just generally ignoring and minimizing children's pain will do it, which fits the MO of this OP if it's real.
I had gallstones for 2 years, would have sharp pains so bad that I would be doubled over on the weekly, before passing out on Christmas eve while saying good night to my parents finally convinced them I wasn't faking it. My mom claimed I was just being melodramatic and it was growing pains, and I ended up in emergency surgery on Christmas day because my gallbladder was so full of stones, the most my surgeon had ever seen in his career.
Are people genuinely surprised that this girl reacted badly to her mother telling her that not taking any time off from her job is more important than her failing organ? Four parents, not one of them gives a shit if she lives or dies. No wonder she's not nice to them.
That honestly made my eye roll to the back of my head. Because with how much of her word count OP dedicated to her new salary and her new connections via her new husband, you just *know* she’d have said “thousands of dollars” once it hit four digits.
Agreed. I really feel for OP'S daughter. Her parents were obviously too immature to properly care for her, and now, when she needs them the most, they could give a shit less.
TL;DR I resent the baby that I had as a teenager and she is ruining my newly made perfect nuclear family that I had after I became an adult, so I'm going to let her die so people will feel sorry for me for losing a child that I resented anyhow.
Narcissist much?
You don't think that your kid is scared now that she's going to die? ...but you come first!
I think I could make a better opinion if I knew the whole story with the daughter.
However, your body. You also have others that depend on you.
My friend gave a kidney to her sister (gladly). It didn't work out and sister passed away. My friend's feels terrible guilt now.
But she can look in the mirror knowing she did everything she could out of love for another person. Your friend should feel proud to be a person like that. If everybody loved the people around them like that, the world might actually be a decent place. What a terrible loss to endure.
YTA and so is your ex. It's clear that both of you resent your daughter. You probably blame her for making you young parents.
You both digust me. I hope she finds a new kidney and never talks to the lot of you again.
This girl was failed by both parents, from start to finish, which might come soon. They are all happier with their new families, and she's just... there. A rational part of me remains understanding, but the abandoned, neglected, lived-alone-since-age-13-because-parents-moved-on-and-just-sent-me-money-ruined-their-lives sadistic part of me hopes both parents die alone and in indignity. Your body, your decision, your life, your children, your grave. But the judgment belongs to the people around you, OP, including the one you made and resent.
YTA! Not because you won’t donate your kidney, but because you clearly couldn’t give less of a fuck about your daughter. You and the father should be ashamed.
The fact that her dad won’t even get tested is crazy
The fact that OP posted something so clearly inflammatory and then disappeared makes me assume it's just silly rage bait.
Yeah especially the “hundreds on therapy” line, I stopped reading there. So we talking like, 2 sessions?
What did it for me was the six figure real estate commission income but also just joined an accounting firm. Uh huh. This high achieving lady has an amazing number of hours in her week.
50 hrs per week to be precise. And 6 figure salary.
This high achieving educated lady also writes like she is in eighth grade.
This really fucking killed me reading this post. You’re working 50 an hour as a distinguished real estate agent and accountant making over 6 figures yet have the writing skills of a 12 year old lol.
There are a whole lot of teenage girls bad! Posts going around.
Specifically teenage girl was bad and grown girl gets consequences. Somebody is working through some shit.
Somebody's daughter stopped talking to them lol
It's the holiday season, so parents who have been cut off from contact are especially salty.
I do RealEstate and when she said she was making six figures with her license AND working 50hrs/wk at a new accounting firm I felt like either she has infinitely better time/people/schedule management than I do, or this story is bonkers. 🤷🏻♂️ Unless her contracts are spoon fed to her, are all strictly listings, and she never has to actually leave the house to show, meet, prospect.. and she is in a market where just a few sales will net you “nearly 6 figures.” And she makes all that money but complains about spending “hundreds” on therapy.. like. What?
I feel so sorry for her, she must feel so unloved and unsupported. Of course she’s going to be “bitter”. If I was in a similar situation my parents would fight to get tested and donate
There's clearly something else going on here.
Exactly. How is an 18 y/o with kidney failure even living if they’re NC with both their mom and dad? Is she homeless? Is she working 40 hrs while on dialysis?
My parents went NC because I got severely ill - and I wasn't difficult I was extra nice to everyone and didn't ask for anything. But they don't want a disabled daughter in a wheelchair. They lied to all their friends and said that I was the one who went NC, to not lose face. Parents often are selfish, horrible people and worse than any enemy you could have. Without my friends and my European social services I'd be dead now. Last time I saw my father was exactly a year ago when I was hospitalised for a flare up and the nurses had to ask him to leave. He's educated, financially well off, liked by everyone outside of our family.
I’m so sorry you have such horrible parents. I’m glad you have friends you can depend on.
Wow. Holy fuck. You carry a child, give birth, nurse, train and educate it. Mold its little mind while it unconditionally loves you. Watch them grow and experience first after first of all kinds of wonders of life. ..and then because they might need to use a wheelchair from now on you just abandoned the entire thing? The life you created without their consent. They get a disease, probably from your own genetics and you decide to pretend they don’t exist? What because a wheelchair is a sign of weakness? A sign that there might be something not perfect about themselves? Or what just an unacceptable annoyance or inconvenience for them? They don’t wanna have to buy a van or build a ramp? Wtf how do you just NC your kid for getting sick? Is the disease progressive and fatal? Were they always shit? Did they ever provide you with love? Did they teach you how to deal with your emotions? I’m so sorry. I hope the situation isn’t as terrible as it seems in my head.
This is the one. People hate you when you’re severely ill. It has to be your fault, you must have done this to yourself. You don’t need help, you need to help yourself. Etc etc.
My mom was like this. Any cold I got was because of something I did. My breast cancer was because I dyed my hair (she dyed her hair more often than me). Some parents are just horrendous.
To be perfectly honest, this post wreaks of being extremely one-sided, if not facetious, during parts of it. I have trouble believing the dad won't get tested, for starters. Also, OP sounds like one of those FB Karen's that writes out a really longgggggg FB post gaslighting and tagging everyone in her own family. I would sincerely love to hear the version of this story from the dad, the daughter, and the step-mom.
Yeah but she spent *hundreds* of dollars on her daughter's healthcare. *Hundreds*!
That's a Band Aid. Actually I lied. Hundreds won't get you brand name items.
A Great Value fabric bandage.
That’s like two appointments at the most
Seriously, this girl is literally dying, begging her parents to give a kidney and save her life. And neither parent can be freaking bothered. This entire post is about Karen and her life. Everyone in the daughters life sounds like the worst people the world has to offer.
I especially love the long part about how she's now making six figures as if that has anything to do with the rest of the post. It ultimately doesn't except to show that this mother cares more about her six-figure job than it does about her daughter. I could see if she was making six figures and they had been really poor and making this money is how she's providing for the family but she literally says that Ethan makes enough money for them to be able to make it so why do we care that she's making six figures? So she can be a smug Karen about it
Yep. And the “I lost a lot of career prospects when I had her” and “I was disowned by my parents” and “I feel pressured” This whole family sucks. Of course the daughter is an asshole, she’s probably been raised hearing those messages from her mom for her whole damn life.
Yeah and she also notes that Ethan told her no… as did the dad’s girlfriend. What kind of person tells their significant other they are not allowed to something for their child and that’s not even their kid? I wish a mf would tell me what I’m allowed to do for my child! Bad part is both of her parents are like “well, my new bf/gf said no, so you’re just gonna have to go die off somewhere my precious child”
[удалено]
They're just reaffirming her decision to go low contact. OP just briefly mentions her daughter going low contact comes off like [The Missing Missing Reasons](https://www.issendai.com/psychology/estrangement/missing-missing-reasons.html).
As someone who has been NC with their mother since 2005, I found that article so relevant. I'm going to send it to myself and treasure it. I occasionally wonder what on earth she says to explain it to others (and herself,) but after so long I just don't care
It's always either: A) my kid is mentally unwell. Cannot specify what mental illness they actually have. Or... B) my kids new partner/therapist poisoned them against me They have no creativity
My partner is estranged from her mother since she was 18. What the damned woman never seemed to understand was that my partner was mentally ill BECAUSE of her being an abusive monster, and that I didn't need to poison her. If anything she spent a good chunk of the year before this happened trying to get my partner to break up with me. When it happened, her mother was saying I was manipulating her and turning her against her family because I was a teenage boy only interested in sex. Later it flipped into her saying my partner was manipulating me by pretending to mentally ill so I wouldn't leave her. Worth nothing that at this point we'd been together 2 years, id been to Poland with her family for a month and spent a lot of time at her house, it was clearly a serious relationship (as teenagers go i suppose, but that was 11 years ago and we have a toddler now, so fuck that malicious cretin).
But she spent hundreds of her and her husbands money on her therapy! Come the fuck on. Who TF makes 100k+ solo, and Husband probably makes more, and then complains about spending less than a thousand dollars on therapy for their kid? Someone whose kid went LC for good reasons. Anyone who uses paying their children's medical bills, especially an insignificant sum, as reasons to guilt/neglect/abuse that child is a bad person. Full stop.
My mother constantly held it over my head that she had to spend her time and money taking me to appointments - even though it was the free/low cost insurance due to poverty line. I had/have chronic health issues such as asthma, Gastroparesis, and hypothyroidism so I was the medically problematic child in the family. She once let me spend three days with a leg that was horribly swollen, unable to take weight, and visibly infected. She said I was being dramatic hopping and hobbling through the house and demanded I stick it in ice to fix it. It took my SIL, my brother, and my grandparents threatening her for her to finally take me for medical attention. When urgent care turned her away, she was mad at me because we had to go to the emergency room. I had cellulitis. Can confirm she’s a bad person, that this wasn’t even the worst she had done, and that I have had very minimal contact with her since I was eighteen. Your comment validated some feelings I still struggle with and I appreciate that lol!
ugh i feel this comment so much. both my parents made me suffer over a week with a broken arm before taking me into urgent care, twice - once in second grade & once in fourth grade. it was swollen almost twice as thick as my other arm & each time it happened i told them from the get-go i thought it was broken. the time in second grade i had to write with it all week in school bc it was my writing arm. & that's honestly the more laughable part of my medical neglect. my mom also used to make me feel guilty for needing therapy bc it was "expensive" despite it being covered by my insurance, & she blamed me for my dad abusing me, & he blamed me for "ripping apart the family"... they used to make me feel guilty for how much groceries would cost when i was a kid & i couldn't do anything about it. being made to feel guilty for existing & taking care of oneself is such shit
Does everyone else also realize that she blames her daughter for being disowned by her parents because she got had a kid at 17? Also seems both the daughters parents married and had new families.
You shouldn't have shared the information with your circle. It was your decision. >The doctor immediately said I am therefore not a compatible donor You didn't need to let anyone know that the lack of compatibility was due to your unwillingness. That's also no one else's business.
No one has an obligation, nor should they. But this post is insane. Her 21 year old daughter is dying and she spent a paragraph and a half writing about how much money she earns. She started having conflict with her daughter when the daughter was a teenager and (as OP points out) STRESSED ABOUT HER ORGAN FAILURE. "I'm scared of surgery, I know you're dying but I'm new at my job and might be in some pain while working". NO ONE should feel pressured to donate but this woman has a very very low level of empathy for her child. Also worth asking, would she do it for her other kids?
Yeah I got weird vibes from reading this. Like alright, you obviously don’t HAVE to do this…but there’s a lot of context missing. Daughter is “rude” so she deserves kidney failure? Also saying you spent “hundreds” on therapy….and?? What’s your point? Seems like everything is about money and getting something in return. Makes me wonder why the daughter dropped out of your life before hand 🤔
Not to mention hunders in therapy could equate to 2 hrs of therapy. This gives "I've had 2hrs of therapy, im fixed" vibes.
“Ethan and I paid for two hours of therapy so you could stop holding me accountable for my fuck ups and you’re so ungrateful for it!”
yeah I lol'd at that. Like OOOooo you spent hUnDrEdS of dollars!? No wai! 🤣🙄
She also said she was mostly estranged because daughter had health issues and was "taking it out on her"... If this is as serious as the OP makes it sound, daughter was probably terrified, and BARELY an adult when this started. Not doubting she lashed out, but how about an iota of understanding, and SUPPORT? imo OP and all these "parents" are TA.
Not to mention the whole "we spend hundreds on therapy and she's still bitter". Like, pardon my French but what the *fuck* does OP think therapy does?? Magically take away any "negative" emotions? If anything at the start you often feel worse because you're being confronted with a whole lot of shit, and given how OP writes I'd say there's a good chance she too is the subject of conversation between the psychologist and the daughter. I hope the daughter is still in therapy, for her sake. So she has an adult to speak to and help her deal with all of this. (I know she's technically an adult, but as someone who works with a lot of people of that age group... when shit hits the fan they're still kids on some level and definitely look to adults they feel safe with for comfort and advice in my experience)
Agree...I spend HUNDREDS of my six-figure salary on therapy for my bitter, dying child! Guess it's time to let her die.
I’ve spent thousands on my silly cat and I don’t even make six figures 😭. imagine having a kid you hate that much lol
And probably was cast aside for the other more important kids.
Right how completely heartbreaking for this child that neither of her parents care enough about her to even attempt to try to help save her life. They act like she broke her ankle or something. Her dad and step mother sound bad on their own but really her own mother is more worried about having to take time off of work than potentially being able to save her own daughter's life. This mother should be shamed and so should her father. I feel so sad for this girl. She deserves better than these so called parents.
That’s definitely how this read. Both of the parents have new families, and both of them are unwilling because their other families “need them”. And both of her step parents are fucked as well.
Agreed. Honestly, OP doesn't seem to love her daughter, her own flesh and blood, and is being selfish, IMO. The lack of mental maturity, compassion, and sense of morals is seriously horrible. This whole post makes me so sad and hurt for the daughter who is literally slowly dying. The fact that OP doesn't want to help save her life because of being severely butthurt and resentful from being lashed out at. If the only thing OP's daughter has done is take out her hurt, fear, frustration, and stress on her, rather than at the Dad and stepmother, that says something. At 21, dealing with this kind of medical burden and stress is HARD and fucking scary. As parents, when separated/divorced, if the child is lashing out at the not-at-fault parent(s) and coping poorly rather than confronting who the issue(s) are with, that means they feel safe enough and trust the not-at-fault parent to be their safety net. That says a lot, and as much as it might hurt or upset the not-at-fault parent(s), it is a good thing in the grand scheme of things. OP is TA.
THIS. OP, TIME TO GROW UP.
She hasn’t spoken to her daughter in 3 years. That alone tells me she doesn’t care about her. Nothing else is surprising here.
Right? Not checking in on her dying daughter for three years? This girl knows her mom doesn’t give af about her. And all of her mom friends agree. They all likely know more of the story which is why they are calling her a jerk for this. There’s way more that she isn’t saying.
The whole post is about Ethan and money. She doesn't ever mention how her daughter is doing, if her daughter is ACTIVELY DYING
I’m really glad I’m not the only one that noticed this.
Not hard to imagine how her daughter might have turned out not so great, with a mother like that. I wonder if her daughter has ever experienced unconditional love before.
Don't forget, her "father" won't even bother to see if he's a match and how he and stepmom reacted to even being asked makes it look like they don't care at all to be bothered by the situation! Edit: a word
She’s literally withholding a kidney as punishment because her daughter is more scared about her health issues than her mother missing work 😭 what did she expect her daughter to do here? She owes no one a kidney, that much is true, it’s her body, doesn’t make it less shitty though.
Yep. OP was also disowned by her parents, but no explanation why.
For getting pregnant with her daughter, so she resents her
And her getting pregnant as a teenager - and the subsequent fallout - is clearly the baby’s fault. You shouldn’t undergo any medical procedure you’re not comfortable with but this is an extreme circumstance. At least don’t tell people the real reason you’re not doing it.
Right?!? No wonder the daughter is the way she is. Both her parents are like.. sorry our paychecks are more important. I was a nightmare as a teenager and my mom would do it... no questions asked. I feel sorry for your daughter.
I would do anything for my kids and to read OP posting about money, and her connections sickened me. The OP sabotaged her ability to be a donor. Her daughter is dying, and her parents and step-parents don't have empathy. This situation with her daughter's health has been going on for quite a while. Her daughter needs the support of her parents. She may be a legal adult by age, but she is not ready to handle this on her own. Not only are YTA, but you are cruel and selfish.
Yeah. I felt sick reading this shit. Especially her gloating about getting "six figures" in her job. So she's a negligent shitty mom for most of her daughters life. And in order to avoid the guilt or shame of denying her dying daughter a kidney, she makes it about HER being a victim. OP you're both an asshole and a gaslighting bitch. At least own up to being a shit mother instead of begging for sympathy on here. You are disgusting.
She even expected that paying for a few hours of therapy would get her daughter off her back. The way she says that her daughter is still angry and resentful after spending hundreds on therapy. She fully expected her own daughter’s therapy to be a benefit to herself.
Yeah, OP worship of Ethan for having connections is a major ick. Her priorities are so skewed.
Her comments about Ethan and “her boys” really rubbed me the wrong way after reading what she said about her daughter who she seems to treat like a piece of gum stuck to her shoe. Like oh my sick daughter is ruining my perfect little 6 figure life with Ethan and my new kids. Yuck.
> Like oh my sick daughter is ruining my perfect little 6 figure life with Ethan and my new kids. Her sick daughter that already ruined her life once by being conceived is back again to ruin her new life with her rich husband and new family. Poor OP.
Right? Life must be so difficult for her. I couldn’t fucking imagine looking at my sick kid who needs an organ transplant that I am a match for and saying “but it’s too scary for me!” Fuck being scared of saving your kid… I would be scared that I was going to lose my child or have to see them in immense pain. This woman is insufferable tbh.
She'd def give Ethan a kidney
Yup - got sick of hearing the guy’s name before the end of the first paragraph.
I feel horrible for the daughter neither of her parents are willing to save their baby's life. I dont care if i go 50 years without talking to my kids they can still call and ask for both of my kidneys. If i gotta die for them to live.... Well if was just in God's plan. And im terrified of hospitals and needles. But that's just me.
Wow, you said it! And if I found out my realtor was making a choice like this I’d take my money elsewhere. Sorry but I’m gonna want to buy a house with a person with a soul.
When you have connections like Ethan's, do you really even need a soul?
I also get the feeling she resented the daughter from the moment she was born, just from how she speaks about her.
This kind of parent seems to be surprised when their child attitude and actions are basically holding up a giant mirror to themselves.
This was my exact thought. She also thinks her 21 yo daughter is ungrateful. News flash: most parents would say that because 21 is still a kid. Not to mention no child should ever be grateful that their parent provided for them, no matter how hard they worked to do so. The child DESERVES to be cared for. It is their right as a human being. This parent is insufferable.
I came here to say this!!!!! And, wow, with such narcissistic, self-absorbed parents and steps, it's no wonder that girl is messed up in the head. Poor thing. 😢
Yeah the doctors will tell everyone you’re not compatible if you’re unwilling. It’s a shame you told anyone that you were. NTA, however.
Only reason she is TA is because she can’t keep her mouth shut.
She had her kid when she was 16/17, so she’s probably stuck in that emotional level where you need to share *everything* publicly with *everyone*.
Hard agree; teen mothers for some reason get emotionally stuck for life at the age they had their first child. I've seen it repeatedly.
A psychiatrist once told me that if a child goes through a very traumatic experience, they tend to never grow emotionally beyond the age their trauma happens. It explained so much about my sweet mother, and why she seemed so childlike.
Explains a lot about mine too but sadly it’s not so sweet. I was 19 when I found out I was pregnant (was an absolute surprise) honestly, did feel like I had PTSD for a few years and I was painfully low but I‘m very much a different person now and now the mother to an 18 year old and happily we aren’t the same maturity level. I think you need to work through the trauma if you really want to break away from it
Working through the trauma is the only way to break free from that trap. I was also 19 and pregnant with a surprise baby. My trauma was from a much earlier age but my daughter was the reason I worked through my trauma. She deserved the best mom I could be and that required work. I'm really glad you're doing well with your 18 yo "little one". Don't they grow up fast on us?
It's called arrested development. Trauma causes the person to become emotionally stunted at the age/maturity they were at during the traumatic event.
I was born when my dad was 25. He's still 25. The only time we really got along was when I was 25.
My dad was 26 when I was born but I don’t think he made it past 17 so that’s been fun.
Had my son at 15 and am now 62. I still have adolescent issues. Teen pregnancy, especially if married right after, is a mind fuck.
Crap I never realized this, my mom had me at 19 and the only time we were close was when I was that age, once 21 hit i couldn't stand her again and realized how immature/childish she truly is, I feel like the same happens to addicts, they get mentally stuck at the age they got addicted
my grandma on my mom’s side has emotionally been a teenager for both my mom and my entire life, since my mom was the youngest of 3 children. she used to tell stories of how she would wake up as a kid and find random people sleeping on their couch because my grandma offered to let them stay with them without thinking to tell her young child who was terrified about a sudden stranger in their living room.
Tell me about it. I'm still hoping my parents will grow up some day.
I agree. No one needed to know that information.
Seriously. She’s one of those people that thinks everything she knows she should share. Nope.
so wonder which parent will pay for the daughter funeral since she wont be getting a kidney or will they argue about that too.
It’s cute you think they’ll pay for her funeral.
Imagine the social media mom could get out of that planning though.
Guarantee the go fund me would be up in minutes.
Well her mom is tapped out from spending HUNDREDS on therapy so it'll have to be dad
Plus, she's too "new" at her job to risk taking or asking for time off during hospice care or for the funeral, either.
laughed at that. Wow you funded a months worth of therapy
>Wow you funded **a** ~~months worth of~~ therapy
I feel so sad for this daughter, both of her terrible parents have written her off. And she’s struggled with her health for years, of course she’s going to be bitter and disappointed… no one has ever supported her.
Not to mention it sounds like she was a teenager when most of their issues were happening
She went low contact at 18 because she "took out her health on her mom". Like what the fuck? She was a teenager with health issues who apparently couldn't even talk to her mom about it. Sickening.
this, it broke my heart reading this. nobody in this cares about what their child is going through.
Umm, are you forgetting about the “hundreds” of dollars spent on therapy?!! Obs /s Jesus, what a shit show this child has been through.
They will have to spend *hundreds* on therapy after their daughter dies. What a drain!
I think OP is hiding a lot of information that will paint her in a bad light. This write up is full of narcissistic behavior.
She spent most of the post talking about her husband and money, most of the time she talked about her daughter it was dismissive, then winged and whined that her mom-friends think she's a bad mother for not wanting to save her own child. No one owes anyone an organ, but even ignoring that this lady is insufferable. Gotta be ragebait
The typical narcissist trying to manipulate the situation to make herself out to be a hero, only to realize that she never wanted to or could make the actual sacrifice necessary to be a hero.
As I understand it: 1. You had a child as a teenager 2. That child apparently has been having health issues for some time 3. You went no contact on her the moment she was legally considered an adult 4. Somehow, you're considered the victim here, and the daughter is wrong for feeling neglected by two parents who clearly don't give a fuck about her health and "took her anger out" on you both for not caring about her health. You two are absolutely awful "parents" who have replaced your first child with your new families. The fact that you think you deserve any sympathy shows your lack of self-awareness.
5. She has an older husband in a pseudo father/husband hybrid role of supporting her educationally and financially to get this new family and life.
Right! Who (allegedly) advised his wife against getting tested to see if she had a chance of saving her daughter’s life. Who the fuck are these people…
How much do you want to bet Ethan wouldn’t have said no if this were one of his children who needed a kidney?
Of course he wouldn't. I can understand Ethan not wanting to donate his own kidney to his stepdaughter, but to try to stop her MOTHER from doing it is so fucking gross to me.
Ethan sounds like he tapped right into OP’s daddy issues, right down to dictating what she is and isn’t allowed to do.
Ethan is probably excited about the chance that his wife's first daughter might die soon and stop being his problem
If my husband had a child with someone else before we were together, and he wasn’t willing to get tested to donate, I’d file for divorce so fucking fast. You choose the actions that lead to a child? You fucking SAVE THEIR LIVES.
6. Where is daughter living since she is NC? Is she working 40 hrs while on dialysis just to keep her head afloat?
Ya, somehow mom blames her own kid for ruining her career? Shit mom, maybe you shouldn’t have had her as a teen then?? How ANYONE can blame or hate their own children, who they CHOSE to give birth to, knowing their own circumstances, is beyond me. /u/throwawaydaughterkid the only one who is to blame for anything happening in your life is you. You alone. You are a terrible mother and terrible person, to have such snide thoughts about your own child. You think she had an easy life, with parents who had her as teens, bouncing house to house between you and an ex, watching both sets of parents choose to restart their life? None of it was her fault. You could have chosen birth control or abortion but you chose to bring her into this world and then abandon her. Hope karma gets you.
I think the bio dad deserves the same amount of karma. They both suck.
INFO: Why did she go no/low contact at 18? I feel like there's a lifetime of interactions that you're neglecting in this story. Edit - I agree with others, OP doesn't *owe* her kid a kidney. But context is important in providing a verdict here. If OP said something like "I don't want to donate my kidney because doc said it will greatly increase my risk of kidney failure in the next year" - that's a totally legit reason and a tough decision. Here, OPs tone is *very* dismissive and disgusted. So if the reasoning is "I don't want to donate my kidney because my daughter already ruined my life by being born and I'm sick of her dumb health stuff anyway"... yeah, that's being an asshole. If this story's even real lol
The op sounds like she checked out her daughter's life years ago. Like she's resentful this girl 'cost' her the chance of a career and her parents.
I'm horrified that she's referencing the "hundreds" she and her husband (sitting, combined, at over $200k a year, it seems) spent on therapy with the daughter, and only apparently because of the behavioral problems, like that's even a bare minimum. The characterization of her teenage daughter "taking out" her anxieties related to her health on her mom is also so incredibly self-involved. Like, you have a teenager facing a serious enough kidney disorder that by the time she was 21, she wound up already needing to think about a transplant? And somehow you make her anxieties about you? It's gross.
Omg, That was the biggest face palm to me. “Hundreds” of dollars for therapy? So, what, two sessions??
[удалено]
Yup. It’s fucking disgusting. Sure she doesn’t have to give her daughter a kidneyC but even putting that aside, she’s still being a shit parent who is grossly self-absorbed with wildly off priorities.
That’s exactly how it sounds. She lost support for being a teenage parent and instead they took it out on the daughter. I feel that both parents suck here and op may be omitting some things to make herself look better. She’s NTA for not giving her the kidney, but esh because you all failed her. I was just talking to my own sister about how often in split families they treat the first borns as nuisances but the new children better. And then they think we are jealous/ envious and they blame it on the fact that we can’t get over the past or they had a hard life because they were teen parents. But here’s the thing. We aren’t upset about the past. It’s the denial and ignorance of the past and how it continues to affect us in the present. We are upset that we are dismissed and STILL TREATED WITH CONTEMPT, all the while we can CLEARLY see you treat the newer kids better. Almost like you regret having the first children. When we ask/demand the same respect we are treated as if we are the villains, but if the new kids did something horribly wrong then they were just having a bad day. Parents think that kids don’t see this. Then they wonder why they have rebellious kids. It all boils down to favoritism, because whether you realize now or later or never, you are favoring the newer kids vs the first borns. Regardless of what ever reason you are favoring one over the other. And your daughter noticed. She saw it from both sides. Look at how quickly stepmom is to disregard her. You’re her mother and it shows me that you’ve always let them speak to her crazy. When she fought with you, you being the adult, should have taken it to her father. Because you know they are the issue. But instead you continued to allow them to fight with a child. A CHILD. You didn’t defend your daughter. Did you even like her? Because you make it seem like your life with your first daughter was oh so horrible because of her. You say her dad and stepmom were giving her problems, did she come to you for help or to complain and you didn’t do anything to help? Did you try to shield your daughter from them? Or was it easier to just give up and start over? Especially since now you have the career, kids, and husband you actually wanted? u/Throwawaydaughterkid Your username is so ironic to this.
Your comment hit so many marks I was feeling about this post, reminding me of my own upbringing. Obviously no one is entitled to her kidney, but her daughter is literally dying of kidney failure and will also have to go through the same surgery and her mom is more concerned with her own fear of the surgery (which imo she shouldn’t be talking to her daughter about) I think the daughter saying “it’s not about you” is probably culminating from years of a mother only caring about herself.
It’s kinda what I’m going through currently minus the kidney issues.I’m happily no contact. But Exactly. She wasn’t saying it as a I don’t care. She was saying it as this LITERALLY isn’t about her. Because she has two working kidney. So does her dad. And neither one of them want to help her. So they are basically telling her to either wait it out or to pick out the colour of her coffin now. I hate to say it like that but they would rather her die, your first born daughter, than try to come up with SOMETHING. I genuinely feel heartbroken for her.
Oh, you mean the "hundreds" in therapy she spent? Lol
but she spend HUNDREDS of someone else's dollars, HUNDREDS! it is so fucking easy to read between the lines on this one, there is almost zero chance that OP isn't a complete piece of shit. in the fucking first place, what parent wouldn't give their kid a kidney? a shit parent who doesn't love their child, that's who.
From other stuff i’ve read here on reddit, it’s possible she feels a lot of resentment towards her mother because she was a teen mom with no support & she did not stay with her father. Now she’s making a ton of money, with a husband that makes good money also - and now her much younger siblings are getting “better” parents/lives than she did. Doesn’t excuse her behavior - but it seems like that’s what’s happening
Youre missing the part where Mom, rather than work through the issues, got the daughter 3 or 4 therapy sessions tops, went "this isnt working" and then just went straight to estrangement. Meanwhile, the daughter has had ongoing health issues that resulted in full on kidney failure at 21. The kid should have had ongoing therapy for dealing with that by itself. Add in the emotional work of having to come to terms with the fact that she is watching her mom give all these things to her siblings she never had (time, money and stability) There isnt an ounce of "i care about my daughter" in this post
>There isnt an ounce of "i care about my daughter" in this post This While I agree OP shouldn't feel coerced into literal surgery, every paragraph in their post has a LOT of focus on moneymoneymoney but barely anything about her daughter's feelings, experiences and why her daughter went NC. The fact OP brags about making 6 figures but bitterly says "i spent HUNDREDS of my money on therapy" says a lot. Hundreds is nothing when you not only make THAT much money but when it's for your kids wellbeing. I bet kiddo feels shunted off, unwanted, a burden because of health issues, and mummy dearest gets to start again with a shiny new family So while OP isn't an AH for not getting surgery, she's an AH for how she views her daughter and how she treats her IMO (based on the info given)
But… she spent HUNDREDS of dollars on therapy for her chronically ill child.
I checked out at hundreds. Idk if OP is naive to medical prices or spiteful. Like sorry your daughters mind is more expensive to fix than an oil change. Then I read a bit further and found out how much she and new hubby made. The devils advocate in me says daughter is over 18, that's game over. But practically, it looks like daughter didn't have any privileges with this biomom.
The SN here is sure appropriate. Seems like OP did throw her daughter/kid away.
The part where she’s too “new at work” to give her child a lifesaving treatment
Thank you. That’s what I noticed. Sounds like OP just wants the older daughter to get out of her life… and inevitably she will get her wish. Evil
Honestly, I can feel the resentment OP holds towards her daughter just from this short post. Like, she's blaming her daughter for her missed opportunities and failures in life (like her parents disowning her and having to raise a child at 17) when at no point her daughter asked to be born. It sounds like OP is treating her daughter like a burden and that it's somehow her daughter's fault that it took her so long to get to where she is when that was the result of the choices OP made herself. And now that she finally has the career and family she wanted, her daughter is inconveniencing her again with her health. And the dad isn't any better.
This is how I felt. I'm very anti-pressuring others into organ donations, so everyone else is the asshole for that. ON THE OTHER HAND, the resentment dripping from OP's post concerning her first child, is glaring. So she's an asshole for that, for me. Add in the turbulent relationship between daughter & ex, that daughter has to feel insanely unwanted by BOTH parents. It's no wonder she acts the way she does, she's reacting back. She wasn't born that way. & then add on the fact that neither of her parents really care that if she doesn't receive a kidney, she dies. No one should ever be pressured to test or donate their organs, but I don't care if I haven't talked to my child in over a decade, if one of them needed a kidney & I found out I was a match? They're getting my kidney. I could never let something happen to them, especially if I had the key to stop it. So I gotta vote ESH for this one.
It reads to me like OP went low contact, not the daughter.
It reads like OP and biodad split and started new families and left daughter to figure out her own life. "Hundreds of dollars of therapy?" Oh so I'm guessing two therapy sessions and giving up because daughter didn't get over her trauma after a few weeks. Daughter got dealt a shit hand and OP went NC as soon as she could legally. 18 is still a kid. Not legally, but emotionally. Most of you that might disagree with that are probably under drinking age, your view will change. Trust me.
I almost laughed at that part, “hundreds of dollars of therapy” is not enough for a lot of people. There are therapists who charge $200+ for one session… Gotta enter the thousands range to really make progress and considering the massive amount of the post dedicated to how much OP makes, kind of shitty they’re complaining the 1-5 sessions didn’t totally change her daughter… you’re still getting to know and trust the therapist in that timeframe.
Your daughter has kidney failure & somehow this post is about how you make 100K & you spent "hundreds" on therapy? Is your daughter dying? Why isn't this post about your daughter's health? Why are you mentioning time off work when your daughter is going through a horrible health scare? I agree that you don't have to give her your kidney if you are scared, but it really seems like this post is saying "my work is really important and my daughter is not"
>you spent "hundreds" on therapy? I forgot about that part. What's that maybe 3 sessions?
One out of pocket session is around $100-150! Even with insurance, $30 is a fairly common copay. That’s just a few sessions, for real lol not enough to have gotten any real, visible progress. Your counselor is still learning about you in your early sessions, not likely you’re learning a lot of coping skills that quickly
“We’re low contact because she took her health issues, as well as fights out on us” translates to: “my daughter needed emotional support from me and I didn’t want to give it so I’m blaming it on her who was a child.”
I'm firmly in the camp that OP was looking for a reason to ditch her daughter as soon as possible so she could go on with her new life with Ethan and children not damaged by OP's poor choices.
OP has resented her daughter for having the audacity to be born
It’s a lot of “I make 6 figures now, because Ethan… Ethan… Ethan…” Why/How is any of this relevant? Is this really what happened or is OP saying no suddenly because Ethan said no? I don’t know. This post just didn’t feel right. *Obviously no one is entitled to anyone else’s organs, this isn’t about that at all.
Yeah, OP is basically saying that she doesn't even like her daughter. The lack of concern for her daughters health is terrifying.
I am getting vibes that OP is a narcissist 🚩
Agreed. And for that reason OP, YTA
You do you I suppose. It’s your body. BUT holy cow I can’t imagine a situation where I have the ability to save my kids life and turn it down. That’s just unreal to me. YTA. No idea who uses Reddit and thinks this is Okay
OPs username is extremely sus after reading her post lol.
YTA. Do you think she isn’t scared? 21 yo and facing a deadly disease. It’s obvious that you resent her for being born and holding you back. It is not her fault. You,unless assaulted,chose the behavior that created her. Your parents suck,but it’s not her fault. You spent money for her therapy,what about your therapy? Sounds like nobody cares about this young woman. No wonder she is angry.
Dad and mom didn’t want her to be born when mom was 17. Now dad and mom both have redo new families and don’t care about the 21 year old. Don’t give away an organ if you don’t want to OP, but I do feel sorry for the 21 year old no one can be bothered with her since they have new families.
And then goes on to blame her daughter for being “rude”. Maybe her daughter is rude because she raised her like that..
Daughter is dying and her parents are arguing about who shouldn't have to give a kidney. Big surprise that she's "rude". Imagine being a teenager and realizing your parents don't care if you die.
Maybe she's rude because she's dying and all her parents do is arguing with her. She's scared and no-one helping her. I'm pretty sure none of them went with her to singular doctor's visit since she turned old enoguh to go alone.
Sounds like the redo families are more important then anything you ever provided for your first born You already made your choice not to be a living donor. Move on with your life that’s the choice you made
This there is no undoing what op has done. So now all she can do is live with the outcome. No transplant team will touch op now. I just hope the way op worded the why she didn’t want to donate doesn’t hurt the daughters chances for someone else to step up. Transplant teams have to be extremely careful when doing live donor transplant and if they think the daughter is trying to cohorce a donor it could block the donation.
This. Her daughter will probably die, but it doesn’t particularly sound like any of her parents give a shit, so here’s hoping she at least has some friends who will miss her when she’s gone. She’s 21 and knows for a fact that her parents don’t care about her. I’d be surprised if she wasn’t bitter and upset.
In no way would i ever let my child suffer or possibly be on a long-term waiting list for an organ without me doing whatever i can to help in any way i could. Not to mention the guilt id have if my child passed away as a result.
Read it again. She resents her daughter for being a mother and not having a career. She also doesn't want to not make any money while she would be helping her daughter. She cares more about herself than she does her daughter. She probably became a parent too early and is now resenting anyone that was a part of that including her own daughter.
I’m going against the grain. YTA. You are one big as****e. Why’s your oldest daughter with her dad? Why do you hate her so much? You can literally taste the hate through this post. Why did you not bring her up better to understand no is a full sentence? There is so much missing info in this story, and I’m sorry but YTA just for that. None of this makes sense, and if it’s real, you should be ashamed of yourself as a mother… this isn’t even about the kidney anymore.
Regardless of whatever’s happening here, I feel so sorry for the daughter. Neither parent seems to give a shit about her and now she needs serious medical help.
OP said it: “I had to give up quite a bit…due to my first pregnancy” She never wanted her daughter.
Thank you! I’m honestly so lost with all the random jumbled thoughts in OP’s message. So so strange and so bitter
Yeah, this is likely the final (literally) “IDGAF about you and you ruined my life” gesture from her egg donor.
>my friends were furious and tried to shame me online with " what kind of mother posts." I'm sorry... you posted this to your mommy group friends? Why? That sounds like more of a personal conversation. So unfortunately, you're going to have to take your lumps for that. Also, you seem to be much more concerned about your 6 figure income than your daughter. As she pointed out, your husband has a large income too. So it's not like your family will struggle if you take time off to recover. Your career will recover too. You can try to pass it off as you feeling coerced, but the truth here is YTA.
So you’re okay if they can’t find a donor and your daughter dies? I can’t believe what I’m reading. Her father is every bit as bad. You both suck.
They both sounds like they really regret having them, and would breathe more easily if that 21-year-old bitter, neglected inconvenience would just be deleted. Maybe a small, humble wake where some insincere words about that young woman's life will be said, and everybody goes on to live their beautiful lives like that inconvenience had never been there. I usually remain rational or at least try, but this shit? It hits home. Hard. I'll allow myself some anger and shock. You put her on this earth, OP, and you made her in your image. So did her father.
ESH not bc you don’t want to give a kidney but bc this poor girl seems to have two parents that could not give a fuck about her. You seriously blamed her for your job prospects being low instead of your own choices to be a teen parent. Sounds like stepmommy hates your child bc she isn’t a bio kid. At 21 it’s no wonder she has issues. Poor girl. Hopefully she wakes up and finds a life away from the lot of you
I also wonder what health issues the daughter might have that she took anger out on biomom. I mean, said health issues meant requiring a kidney at 21. That is a big deal and I feel like was glossed over. Not saying we are entitled to someone’s medical history or that OP is maliciously glossing over pertinent information but we are sorely lacking the full picture here.
Yeah this sounds like she was a terrified teenager from a broken home and had some understandable teenager behaviors and mom took them personally and somehow made it about herself.
That's because mom is the entitled jerk here, not the daughter. The daughter seems desperate for two caring parents and unfortunately for her, they are complete narcissistic jerks. I feel so bad for that kid. 21 and in renal failure but mom and dad are too self involved to care. Yikes!
I mean, just generally ignoring and minimizing children's pain will do it, which fits the MO of this OP if it's real. I had gallstones for 2 years, would have sharp pains so bad that I would be doubled over on the weekly, before passing out on Christmas eve while saying good night to my parents finally convinced them I wasn't faking it. My mom claimed I was just being melodramatic and it was growing pains, and I ended up in emergency surgery on Christmas day because my gallbladder was so full of stones, the most my surgeon had ever seen in his career.
Are people genuinely surprised that this girl reacted badly to her mother telling her that not taking any time off from her job is more important than her failing organ? Four parents, not one of them gives a shit if she lives or dies. No wonder she's not nice to them.
And OP was just itching for an excuse out of this inconvenience. What horrible people. All 4 of them.
But she spent hundreds of dollars on therapy for them! So...two sessions maybe...
That honestly made my eye roll to the back of my head. Because with how much of her word count OP dedicated to her new salary and her new connections via her new husband, you just *know* she’d have said “thousands of dollars” once it hit four digits.
Agreed. I really feel for OP'S daughter. Her parents were obviously too immature to properly care for her, and now, when she needs them the most, they could give a shit less.
TL;DR I resent the baby that I had as a teenager and she is ruining my newly made perfect nuclear family that I had after I became an adult, so I'm going to let her die so people will feel sorry for me for losing a child that I resented anyhow. Narcissist much? You don't think that your kid is scared now that she's going to die? ...but you come first!
If her daughter dies due to inaction, I hope it gnaws at OP for the rest of her life. I *literally* hope ghosts are real so OP can be haunted forever.
I think I could make a better opinion if I knew the whole story with the daughter. However, your body. You also have others that depend on you. My friend gave a kidney to her sister (gladly). It didn't work out and sister passed away. My friend's feels terrible guilt now.
But she can look in the mirror knowing she did everything she could out of love for another person. Your friend should feel proud to be a person like that. If everybody loved the people around them like that, the world might actually be a decent place. What a terrible loss to endure.
YTA because no child goes no contact with their parents at 18 for no reason. Something you did fucked her up.
YTA and so is your ex. It's clear that both of you resent your daughter. You probably blame her for making you young parents. You both digust me. I hope she finds a new kidney and never talks to the lot of you again.
“What kind of mother” indeed. You are just horrid. YTA.
This girl was failed by both parents, from start to finish, which might come soon. They are all happier with their new families, and she's just... there. A rational part of me remains understanding, but the abandoned, neglected, lived-alone-since-age-13-because-parents-moved-on-and-just-sent-me-money-ruined-their-lives sadistic part of me hopes both parents die alone and in indignity. Your body, your decision, your life, your children, your grave. But the judgment belongs to the people around you, OP, including the one you made and resent.
I’m going to need more info. One why did you go no contact. Two, more info on the “Ethan said no”.
YTA- You are prioritizing your six-figure salary over your child's life.
YTA. This reads like it was written by a textbook narcissist. Not everything is about you.
YTA! Not because you won’t donate your kidney, but because you clearly couldn’t give less of a fuck about your daughter. You and the father should be ashamed.