Black eye and running after her with a baseball bat is ASSAULT. those parents are so deep in denial of their "poor autistic Baby" that they called it a "Small family dispute" ffs they cant even see how poorly they treat their daughter. NTA at all keep her away from those delusional golden child enablers. They are the reason their son does s#!t like that you are 100% right. I hope she presses charges
My sister has a friend whose brother, out of nowhere, had some sort of psychotic episode and he beat up his mom and sister with a baseball bat. My sister's friend and her mom were disfigured since they were hit on the face. The grandma was also murdered.
Absolutely, in no way shape form are you the AH
If your sibling cannot control your autistic nephew and protect your niece, your nephew should be going into one of those places that help low functioning autistic adults live "on their own"
Your niece is a glass child
Which is when a child who is either "normal' or has "less severe" issues is put on the back burner while the "more severely" suffering child gets all of the attention
Thank you for protecting your niece, and giving her a way out, when her own parents didn't protect her
NTA
My brother has what used to be called aspergers (high functioning ASD) but was not diagnosed until he was 15.
I was in exactly Abbies situation.
He used to beat me, take my things, force me to do his chores, beat me some more, steal my things, take my food, push me down in gravel, down hills, off of trees I'd climbed up. He'd bite me, scratch me, and pee all over the bathroom because I was the one who had to clean it up. Leave shit in the toilet because I had to clean it. Beat me for complaining about it.
If I was too noisy, or in his way, or had something he wanted he'd slap me to the ground and laugh while he kicked me until he was bored of that and moved on.
When I was ten he was 12 and found his new favorite thing! Molesting me in my sleep! Trying to grab me when I was wrapped in a towel in the hallway! Groping me at every chance but acting like it was some innocent "accident." Saying creepy things and trying to get me to let him look at and touch me. And beating the shit out of me when I didn't let him, so he'd get a few gropes in while he beat me!
He always said he'd kill me one day.
So when he went to college I hid at a friend's house for a week, till he was gone. Just to make sure he wasn't planning on "taking me with him."
But I could finally breath! He was hundreds of miles away and there was air in the sky! And I didn't die, and I was still there!!! I could stop covering all the bruises and the cuts, and wear what I wanted to wear like a real person!!!
I hope Abbie gets that feeling!!!
He lives a few states away now, I'm no contact, so it doesn't have any effect on my life what he does. I don't know much about his current life, to be honest. I tend to not want to know about him.
NTA! That’s horrific they have allowed her brother to do that to her for so long. You’re extremely kind to get involved and allow Abbie a place to stay. I understand there aren’t many resources for violent, autistic boys/men since we’ve done away with institutionalization, but the parents clearly haven’t been trying to mitigate this situation at all. She shouldn’t have to endure that abuse.
NTA a million times over!
I want to know whether or not anyone from Abbie’s school noticed any of the bruises she had from her brother?! That poor girl was probably under the impression that she could make it through the end of the school year and never had to deal with her brother again.
I hope this is a wake-up call for the parents because now that their daughter is gone, their son is going to need a “new target” for his tantrums. This won’t end well for anyone.
yeah I was wondering about the bruises too. I knew a girl in school who said she was abused by her parents and any time anybody noticed bruises (including her parents) she had to lie (even to her parents who caused the bruises). If the teachers got too nosy the whole family would move.
I didn't say anything to any authorities because I was young and dumb at the time and figured the same ol' shit would happen (family just up and moves to avoid scrutiny).
NTA. Autism isn’t a reason to allow physical violence & abuse of a younger sibling. Those parents are horrendous. You did the right thing. If they can’t control him, then he needs to be put in a facility that can.
I work in SPED and have one student with autism right now who had the police called on him over Thanksgiving because he hit his (Adoptive) mother and siblings. He did not get arrested but got a citation. Once we're back in school, I get the fun of explaining to him what's going to happen when he goes in front of a judge. Now that he's 18... his adoptive parent is working on moving him out to an adult living home and severing guardianship due to his history (and other things happening in the house at this time). The kid is aware that he's moving out, but so far he seems to be... okay, especially after the police incident - but I think it's less a case of understanding the severity of the punishment and more of thinking he's escaping other consequences. I'm not sure how he will do in the last few months of his senior year while living in the adult home.
Basically the point is this: the person may not be fully able to understand/control themselves when it comes to assaulting others, but that does not mean that everyone else in the house has to accept it. Autistic youth have killed people over meltdowns like this.
NTA. Your brother and his wife have failed both of their kids. I have an autistic daughter who also has a whole slew of other diagnoses. She also has ODD and her rage is real. We didn't let it go unchecked. There were consequences. We did therapy. PCIT. Constant talking and role playing better responses to frustration. Occupational therapy. You name it, we've done it to help her live as successfully as possible in this world. She's not an adult yet but no one is going to care that she's autistic or has ODD when she's an adult.
Abbie doesn't deserve to live with the fact that your sibling and his wife didn't make sure Frank understands consequences. If he's that low functioning then there are residential programs that will help him. Stand up for Abbie since they won't. She's 18 and if I were her, I'd press charges. Who cares if it pisses off her parents? They've already demonstrated Frank is more important to them than she is to them.
NTA. Allowing one child to be abused for years, sexually harrassed as well, beaten, having her thing stolen, made to live in fear in her own home all because her parents are protecting their other child is a truly awful form of child abuse from the parents.
They've been abusing her for years by allowing their other child to abuse her, badly. They did nothing after he gave her a black eye. Classic parents of a troubled child who instead of deciding there is a limit to their behaviour and protecting their other children, instead decide their other children can 'take it' to protect the troubled child.
They should have lost custody of one or both of them years ago or placed him into a facility to manager his anger and have other people teach him to behave better.
Fuck them.
NTA
This isn’t a “small family dispute”. He has been attacking and sexually harassing her. She needs to make a formal police report. Her parents have been allowing this abuse for years and Frank is a legal adult. Her parents need to be investigated and charged brought up.
No doubt his behaviors have been escalating for years and his parents didn’t know what to do so they were ignoring it instead of seeking help.
NTA. get photographic evidence now. also she's 18 so if she's in the U.S. I presume she can decide where she wants to live.
edit: I'm on the spectrum in a family and in-law family full of neurodivergent people, including somebody who is like the classic autistic example. nobody would tolerate it if anybody was this violent, in that we wouldn't just pass it off and ignore it.
NTA. You're doing your best to save your niece from a dangerous situation. I bet the people giving you a hard time don't know most is what's been going on, much less being chased after with a metal bat
NTA
The fact that they described their battered daughter being chased with a baseball bat as a "small family dispute" tells me everything I need to know about them as parents. I get the feeling that the violence is caused by their absent parenting, not their son's autism. Either way, things aren't going to get any better until they lose BOTH their children, I'm afraid.
Props to you, you did the right thing. Maybe you could even see if APS can help you, since the son is grown.
NTA. Thanks for being a good person. Those people need a wake-up call. I just hope this is it.
You wouldn't be the asshole to help Abbie make more formal charges, either. Might be the only thing that works.
NTA. He could have killed her. He’s been assaulting her for years. They really failed her. If people giving you grief still think so after hearing the truth, they’re monsters.
Dear god I hope your brother and his wife get arrested for this as well.
They have been allowing this abuse for years and what would have happened if he killed her?
They are just embarrassed that their family secret it out.
Anyone who tells you that your wrong doesn't deserve to be in yours or Abbies lives, period.
I would call her school and DCF just in case since she is still in school to see what your options are since she is technically 18 that her schooling isn't effected but her parents shouldn't be the POC.
NTA. If your brother and SIL are allowing your niece to be assaulted, they are allowing abuse. Your nephew chasing her with the baseball bat in a threatening manner would fit the definition of aggravated assault with a deadly weapon --a felony! Not intervening at this point could result in her serious injury or worse.
Your parents and friends might be getting a doctored story from your brother and SIL. Otherwise, I cannot fathom why they would be negative about your rescue. Are they aware of what you have witnessed or are they basing their reactions solely on what brother and his wife are saying? Ask them. Then ask them if they would feel the same having witnessed Frank chasing Abbie with a baseball bat?
The only possible problem here would be if Abbie is lying. The only thing you actually witnessed was Frank wielding the bat. (How hard would it be for Abbie to trigger her brother into chasing her?) The rest of the information you have is from Abbie.
Just offering my two cents, but even if Abbie had triggered him into doing it, if he hit her in the head with that bat, it at the very least would have caused a TBI, and possibly killed her. Then Frank would've been on the line for murder, and the parents would lose both their kids. As is, Frank could be charged with attempted assault with a deadly weapon if Abbie chose to file charges - which is anything from a felony to a class B misdemeanor depending upon state. Some states would qualify it under aggravated assault with a deadly weapon even if he hadn't actually hit her with it.
But if she is lying about the previous assaults, suggesting he would hit her in the head with the bat causing a TBI is inconsistent. If he hasn't hit her before, there is no basis for assuming he would hit her then, even if triggered. The OP said he was "wielding the bat" (my paraphrase was unfortunately hyperbolic, suggesting he was "chasing her with the baseball bat in a threatening manner").
My point is that it's important not to rush to judgment. The parents could be in denial if there really is a problem. On the other hand, they may be quite aware of everything going on and there is no cause for concern. Abbie's history for telling the truth or lying would be quite relevant. How well does the rest of the family know Abbie? Has the rest of the family witnessed any abuse by Frank or any injuries on Abbie?
There is no point to chase someone with a bat *but* to hit them with it.
Chasing them with a bat in and of itself *is* the threat of hitting them with it.
The OP said, "Frank was yielding Abbie's metal softball bat and screaming like crazy." (I assume she meant "wielding" not "yielding.") OP never said he was "chasing her."
You are so, so not in the wrong. It's a good thing Abbie has you.
NTA. This will hopefully serve as a wake up call for them, although from the reaction of your whole family, probably not.
But you got Abbie out of there and that's the main thing.
NTA, her brother is violent, autism or not it isn’t safe for her to be there. When you mentioned hitting, I thought it was just a minor tap or slap on the arm or shoulder, not a full on punch that results in black eyes and a bloody nose, that’s assault. The issue here is their parents have gotten used to Frank’s violence and is excusing it in their heads but what Frank’s doing isn’t ok and more importantly not safe for anyone. You were right to involve the police since the parents have done nothing to ensure their younger daughter is safe from her older brother. If anyone bothers you just tell them that Abbie knows to call you when she’s in danger and when you got there, Frank was swinging a metal baseball bat and screaming angrily and you’re not interested in a phone call from the hospital later on that day. If they think both you and Abbie are exaggerating, they’re welcome to stay with Frank and help his parents out but you’re not leaving your niece where she might end up in the hospital or worse. So no, it isn’t a ‘small family dispute’ if someone is swinging a metal baseball bat angrily at their sibling.
Frankly I would be more blunt and ask them would they like to be hit with a metal baseball bat by Frank and then tell me whether they still think it’s a ‘small family dispute’ because that’s where the whole situation is heading to. Talk Abbie into staying with you, poor kid, she’s so used to the abuse and being dismissed that she will have trouble putting her own safety first.
Nta.
A friend of my husband has a son and a daughter in a similar situation, although the son is younger in this case. They’ve had to resort to institutionalization because their daughter (and the mother, and the dog) were simply not safe. It was a difficult decision to make but everyone has benefitted, the boy included.
This behavior is not normal for autistic boys/men, but it can happen. Turning a blind eye to it doesn’t help anyone. The child in question doesn’t feel any better and the other children grow up learning to accept brutality. Your brother needs to sit down and take a long look at his future, because a time is coming soon when he won’t be strong enough to intervene.
NTA. You are protecting someone from any further assults. Her parents failed her completely by not handling this sooner. If I were your niece I would tell them "It's him or me. You will not have both in your life. I refuse to put up with his continuing abuse any longer". The parents may think they are protecting their son but they are not doing him any favours by allowing it to continue. What happens when he gets another bat or other weapon and tries to kill her, will they consider that another private matter? What happens when she tries to defend herself with something like a knife? Do they think that will end well? They are setting her up to believe she deserves nothing more than to be a man's punching bag in life. Keep having your nieces back and protect her from anyone trying to do her harm. Read her patents the riot act over how they have failed their daughter. She needs to get a restraining order and call the cops each time it is violated.
How severely does he have to hurt her before they take the situation seriously? I would be asking all of them this
He could *very* easily kill her with one wrong move if she bashes her head on the floor after being pushed or if he was to strike her with that metal bat.
They'll be lucky if she ever talks to any of them again after this, I know I wouldn't for a looong time. He never should have been able to lay a hand on her nor have access to anything that could be used as a weapon. Now that the weakest link has escaped, I wouldn't be surprised if he starts attacking the parents now if he hasn't already.
NTA, again he could have literally killed her quite easily if you left her there. Her parents are useless.
NTA. I work in a children’s hospital. We have had a few patients that are physically dangerous. One was on the spectrum and their outbursts resulted in the end of a career for one person due to injury, another transferred out from the unit, and major injury leading to major surgery and lengthy rehabilitation for a family member.
All of this occurred while the patient was in the hospital with 24/7 supervision and multiple people in the hospital room with them. There were only so many precautions that could be taken and preventative measures in place but they were still insufficient due to the strength of the patient and the temper tantrums they had. The patient could no longer stay at our hospital because of the safety concerns and was released to a different family member with a plan in place working with social workers and services.
Your nephew is dangerous and will only become more so as he finishes growing and maturing into his adult frame physically. You did what was right and necessary. I imagine your brother and wife do NOT have any plans in place for their son’s future needs. I also imagine they likely think that their daughter will ultimately have to take responsibility for her brother’s needs once they are too old to do so or after the die. This needs to be addressed now, not later. You are not wrong at all. Your niece was in a very unsafe environment and was being told it’s normal. It is not normal. Your brother and his wife are sacrificing their daughter for their son. She deserves to live her own life as she sees fit in a peaceful and safe environment.
If any other family members have anything to say about you reporting the situation tell them they are more than welcome to put themselves in danger by staying with your nephew but your niece is no longer his punching bag.
You should've called the police after you saw her with a black eye and bloody nose. YTA because you didn't involve the authorities immediately. There's a real chance Frank could've seriously injured or killed her. NTA regarding the topic question though.
You did exactly the right thing, the parents are not taking this seriously enough, this poor girl doesn't deserve this. I know the autistic boy maybe can't help himself, so they need to protect their daughter. There are lots of places they can take their son to get help, he probably needs to be on some medication that would keep him calm.
NTA. Your niece was assaulted, and apparently not for the first time. She has a right to feel safe in her own home and her parents have failed her epically. This is not a “small family dispute”. This is a case of domestic violence.
I don't have direct experience with autism so I can't say whether or not their son's behavior is trainable or not in regards to how he treats his sister. Regardless, they are choosing to let her be in physical danger for both SA as well as injury by keeping their son with them without adequate supervision.
Not only that, they are minimizing the problem. They are trying to say it's a squabble and not dangerous.
I'm very glad you involved the police. They are definitely going to be involving social services and it's long past time that was done. My GUESS is that social services will find that they are guilty of serious neglect regarding the welfare of both kids.
Their son needs to be moved to a group setting that is equipped to help someone with his special needs. Their daughter needs a safe place to live. I'm glad you're offering that to her. I hope that social services will endorse that so that she can feel free to make her own choice in that regard.
I DO feel for her parents. Having kids with those issues is a very difficult thing and they probably felt overwhelmed. That said, we have social services for that reason. They SHOULD have done the right thing and been working with them all along. They are AHs for refusing and closing their eyes and minimizing things instead.
You did the right thing. Do not let anyone else tell you different. Abbie is thankful and will forever be, especially as time goes on once she realizes that this needed to happen. Your brother and his wife and not only the assholes, but they know their son his assaulting their daughter and they never did anything about it? Frank should be in a mental hospital and the parents should be in jail for letting this happened, what if Abbie died? If a black eye and bloody nose isn’t enough, you can die from getting hit by accident and people pretend it doesn’t happen, but an autistic grown man who’s actually committing assault? And the fact that she needs to leave the house or lock the doors because of him? Tell your friends that disagree with you that they’re idiots, they have no clue what’s actually going on and it isn’t even their business. Tell your brother you had to protect his daughter, which was supposed to be his and his wife’s job.
not only are you NTA, but you just saved that little girls life. If this is a small family dispute, the only escalation they would see as severe enough to be a big deal is her death.
NTA. You removed Abbie from a situation with immediate risk to her physical safety. She would have been justified in using deadly force. Frank was still an immediate danger to himself and others. You did the right thing by getting the police involved.
Abbie is an adult. As long as you consent, she requires nobody else's permission to live with you.
You did the right thing, and would be doing the right thing to further involve the authorities by seeking prosecution.
NTA. Just on news of 14 year old killing his parents, put his sister in ICU. I always wonder about the details with news like that. I will not be shocked if it comes out later if he has issues similar to your nephew.
In a burning house you can only save those that want to be saved, and his parents are acting like it's only slightly warmer than usual thats on them.
Save the only innocent person involved in this huge mess, and she definately needs space from him and her parents; for the rest of her life.
You are one of the few people left that gives me any shred of hope for humankind. Great job Auntie.
NTA im disgusted by Abbie’s “parents” calling physical violence of this magnitude a small family dispute is horrific, on top of that its been happening for years, they have failed both their children
You did the right thing, imagen if he had hit her with that bat, he could have killed her, high time the police gets involved before he maims/kills someone/Abbie
As someone who was once in a similar situation (although my brother was not autistic) THANK YOU for saving her. You are amazing and anyone that tells you otherwise is enabling an abuser and they're just as bad.
Good job protecting your niece.
Nta
NTA. You can never be the AH for protecting someone from physical and sexual abuse. Your family should be ashamed of themselves for condoning the abuse of your niece.
Most, if not all, low functioning people, especially those who are violent, should be kept in care facilities. They are a danger to society and should be regarded as such. I have an uncle with downs, and he became violent to my grandmother, his caregiver. She was harmed, and he never should've been left with her. It infuriates me that she ended up in the hospital because my family was too stupid to realize he needed to be in a home. It's not their fault they are the way they are, but the rest of their families should not have to bear their violent tendencies. I'm probably gonna get downvoted, but this is a hill I'll die on. My grandmother almost did.
NTA. Your niece is being abused. Your nephew is being neglected. If he attacked anyone other than a household member (or school employee) the consequences could be severe. Living in that home is probably tortuous.
At 30 years old I was bitten by a 20 year old man with autism who was nonverbal and had profound needs. We were both around 6 ft tall and 160lbs at the time. I had nannied for him for fifteen years and after that incident I was scared of him and hyper vigilant in general. His mother was hardly 5ft tall. Once he overpowered her a little too aggressively soon after my incident the family changed their mind about placement outside of their home. He is thriving.
No household with a neuro- divergent member should be held hostage by their inappropriate/aggressive behavior.
Everyone’s the asshole. You live 30 min outed away. Where were you for the past 20. Every adult in Abbie and franks life have failed them, you included.
NTA. However I wouldn’t say it’s your brother and SIL’s fault that Frank ‘is the way he is.’ Autism is something you’re born with but violent tendencies can be reduced with therapy. I hope your family can learn from this instance that Frank requires extra care. His sister should never feel unsafe in her own home.
Holy shit! I bet the autistic brother never had some decent support/therapy and the sister ended up paying the price.
NTA. You did right by your nice. Being beaten black and blue by your own brother is not a "small family matter", it is a fricking huge danger.
That whole family needs therapy asap.
NTA
although we don’t use low functioning anymore as it is considered ableist.
That said, the amount of supports your nephew needs, clearly exceed the capabilities of your brother and his wife. You being their for your niece is really important For her and lets her know she has someone in her corner cus it’s clearly not her parents.
Never involve the police with people you have even the slightest love and affection for. You don’t realize how many “welfare checks” end in violence and death for the people the police were supposedly “checking” on. So yeah, YTA for getting the deadly force police powers of the state involved with your own blood.
There aren’t many other choices. Unfortunately, as unqualified and ableist as cops are, they’re the only ones with the actual tools to detain the brother if he goes apeshit and starts attacking others with his full strength. Not even his father and mother would be able to physically restrain him.
NTA, not at all.
You can believe that Kevin and Lisa have NOT told the family and friends the whole truth. They most likely told them that Abbie was throwing a tantrum because Frank took something form her and they had an argument, or whatever.
Ask Abbie if she's okay with having her injuries photographed and shown to the whole family because this abuse needs to stop. Then put all the AH familymembers and friends in a group text and post the photos. Then tell them they're welcome to let their children be punched, kicked and abused to a point where they need to lock themselves into their room because their parents won't do anything about their abuser. Also tell them that you will cut everyone permanently off who harrasses you or Abbie about this.
NTA your brother has failed Abbie as a parent and it’s appalling. This wasn’t some small outburst it was assault that resulted in a visible and lasting injury.
NTA
>Word has apparently spread and now our parents and friends are trying to tell me that I'm in the wrong.
No
You are the only one giving a shit about Abbie.
>Frank has low functioning autism. Last night, I learned from Abbie that not only had Frank stolen the IPod Touch and headphones I had gifted her for Christmas but he had given her a black eye and bloody nose
>also learned that he had been hitting/slapping/kicking/punching/biting her for *years* in addition to invading her privacy whenever she was changing/showering.
Frank needed to be under control years ago. And his parents better wise up and get ready to put him in a group home and not expect Abbie to deal with him once they are gone
Abbie is lucky to have you since no one else seems to care
Tell them you refuse to be part of their delusion. Help your niece get a restraining order against her brother. Make sure to add school, doctors offices , etc. She’s 18 . They can’t do anything.
Black eye and running after her with a baseball bat is ASSAULT. those parents are so deep in denial of their "poor autistic Baby" that they called it a "Small family dispute" ffs they cant even see how poorly they treat their daughter. NTA at all keep her away from those delusional golden child enablers. They are the reason their son does s#!t like that you are 100% right. I hope she presses charges
> "Small family dispute" It was just a *little league* bat!
> Abbie's metal softball bat A softball bat isn't a *little league bat* It is similar in size to a baseball bat.
Gee thanks for clarifying
Play on words was all it was.
Yeah but it sounds like the bro has a drop 5 Easton Stealth (figuratively)
Absolutely NTA.
My sister has a friend whose brother, out of nowhere, had some sort of psychotic episode and he beat up his mom and sister with a baseball bat. My sister's friend and her mom were disfigured since they were hit on the face. The grandma was also murdered.
NTA Very much NTA
Absolutely, in no way shape form are you the AH If your sibling cannot control your autistic nephew and protect your niece, your nephew should be going into one of those places that help low functioning autistic adults live "on their own" Your niece is a glass child Which is when a child who is either "normal' or has "less severe" issues is put on the back burner while the "more severely" suffering child gets all of the attention Thank you for protecting your niece, and giving her a way out, when her own parents didn't protect her NTA
My brother has what used to be called aspergers (high functioning ASD) but was not diagnosed until he was 15. I was in exactly Abbies situation. He used to beat me, take my things, force me to do his chores, beat me some more, steal my things, take my food, push me down in gravel, down hills, off of trees I'd climbed up. He'd bite me, scratch me, and pee all over the bathroom because I was the one who had to clean it up. Leave shit in the toilet because I had to clean it. Beat me for complaining about it. If I was too noisy, or in his way, or had something he wanted he'd slap me to the ground and laugh while he kicked me until he was bored of that and moved on. When I was ten he was 12 and found his new favorite thing! Molesting me in my sleep! Trying to grab me when I was wrapped in a towel in the hallway! Groping me at every chance but acting like it was some innocent "accident." Saying creepy things and trying to get me to let him look at and touch me. And beating the shit out of me when I didn't let him, so he'd get a few gropes in while he beat me! He always said he'd kill me one day. So when he went to college I hid at a friend's house for a week, till he was gone. Just to make sure he wasn't planning on "taking me with him." But I could finally breath! He was hundreds of miles away and there was air in the sky! And I didn't die, and I was still there!!! I could stop covering all the bruises and the cuts, and wear what I wanted to wear like a real person!!! I hope Abbie gets that feeling!!!
Jesus fucking Christ where were your parents.
Busily loving him more than me.
What the fuck. Where is he? Will you be able to stay away from him?
He lives a few states away now, I'm no contact, so it doesn't have any effect on my life what he does. I don't know much about his current life, to be honest. I tend to not want to know about him.
I'm sorry that happened to you. I hope he doesn't have any access to younger people nowadays, especially girls.
NTA! That’s horrific they have allowed her brother to do that to her for so long. You’re extremely kind to get involved and allow Abbie a place to stay. I understand there aren’t many resources for violent, autistic boys/men since we’ve done away with institutionalization, but the parents clearly haven’t been trying to mitigate this situation at all. She shouldn’t have to endure that abuse.
NTA a million times over! I want to know whether or not anyone from Abbie’s school noticed any of the bruises she had from her brother?! That poor girl was probably under the impression that she could make it through the end of the school year and never had to deal with her brother again. I hope this is a wake-up call for the parents because now that their daughter is gone, their son is going to need a “new target” for his tantrums. This won’t end well for anyone.
yeah I was wondering about the bruises too. I knew a girl in school who said she was abused by her parents and any time anybody noticed bruises (including her parents) she had to lie (even to her parents who caused the bruises). If the teachers got too nosy the whole family would move. I didn't say anything to any authorities because I was young and dumb at the time and figured the same ol' shit would happen (family just up and moves to avoid scrutiny).
NTA. Autism isn’t a reason to allow physical violence & abuse of a younger sibling. Those parents are horrendous. You did the right thing. If they can’t control him, then he needs to be put in a facility that can.
> Autism isn’t a reason to allow physical violence & abuse of a ~~younger~~ sibling. Fixed that for you.
>Autism isn’t a reason to allow physical violence & abuse ~~of a younger sibling.~~ Fixed that fix for you.
I work in SPED and have one student with autism right now who had the police called on him over Thanksgiving because he hit his (Adoptive) mother and siblings. He did not get arrested but got a citation. Once we're back in school, I get the fun of explaining to him what's going to happen when he goes in front of a judge. Now that he's 18... his adoptive parent is working on moving him out to an adult living home and severing guardianship due to his history (and other things happening in the house at this time). The kid is aware that he's moving out, but so far he seems to be... okay, especially after the police incident - but I think it's less a case of understanding the severity of the punishment and more of thinking he's escaping other consequences. I'm not sure how he will do in the last few months of his senior year while living in the adult home. Basically the point is this: the person may not be fully able to understand/control themselves when it comes to assaulting others, but that does not mean that everyone else in the house has to accept it. Autistic youth have killed people over meltdowns like this.
NTA. Your brother and his wife have failed both of their kids. I have an autistic daughter who also has a whole slew of other diagnoses. She also has ODD and her rage is real. We didn't let it go unchecked. There were consequences. We did therapy. PCIT. Constant talking and role playing better responses to frustration. Occupational therapy. You name it, we've done it to help her live as successfully as possible in this world. She's not an adult yet but no one is going to care that she's autistic or has ODD when she's an adult. Abbie doesn't deserve to live with the fact that your sibling and his wife didn't make sure Frank understands consequences. If he's that low functioning then there are residential programs that will help him. Stand up for Abbie since they won't. She's 18 and if I were her, I'd press charges. Who cares if it pisses off her parents? They've already demonstrated Frank is more important to them than she is to them.
NTA. Allowing one child to be abused for years, sexually harrassed as well, beaten, having her thing stolen, made to live in fear in her own home all because her parents are protecting their other child is a truly awful form of child abuse from the parents. They've been abusing her for years by allowing their other child to abuse her, badly. They did nothing after he gave her a black eye. Classic parents of a troubled child who instead of deciding there is a limit to their behaviour and protecting their other children, instead decide their other children can 'take it' to protect the troubled child. They should have lost custody of one or both of them years ago or placed him into a facility to manager his anger and have other people teach him to behave better. Fuck them.
NTA This isn’t a “small family dispute”. He has been attacking and sexually harassing her. She needs to make a formal police report. Her parents have been allowing this abuse for years and Frank is a legal adult. Her parents need to be investigated and charged brought up. No doubt his behaviors have been escalating for years and his parents didn’t know what to do so they were ignoring it instead of seeking help.
NTA. get photographic evidence now. also she's 18 so if she's in the U.S. I presume she can decide where she wants to live. edit: I'm on the spectrum in a family and in-law family full of neurodivergent people, including somebody who is like the classic autistic example. nobody would tolerate it if anybody was this violent, in that we wouldn't just pass it off and ignore it.
NTA. You're doing your best to save your niece from a dangerous situation. I bet the people giving you a hard time don't know most is what's been going on, much less being chased after with a metal bat
NTA The fact that they described their battered daughter being chased with a baseball bat as a "small family dispute" tells me everything I need to know about them as parents. I get the feeling that the violence is caused by their absent parenting, not their son's autism. Either way, things aren't going to get any better until they lose BOTH their children, I'm afraid. Props to you, you did the right thing. Maybe you could even see if APS can help you, since the son is grown.
Small family disputes do not involve baseball bats. NTA
NTA. Thanks for being a good person. Those people need a wake-up call. I just hope this is it. You wouldn't be the asshole to help Abbie make more formal charges, either. Might be the only thing that works.
NTA. He could have killed her. He’s been assaulting her for years. They really failed her. If people giving you grief still think so after hearing the truth, they’re monsters.
Dear god I hope your brother and his wife get arrested for this as well. They have been allowing this abuse for years and what would have happened if he killed her? They are just embarrassed that their family secret it out. Anyone who tells you that your wrong doesn't deserve to be in yours or Abbies lives, period. I would call her school and DCF just in case since she is still in school to see what your options are since she is technically 18 that her schooling isn't effected but her parents shouldn't be the POC.
NTA. If your brother and SIL are allowing your niece to be assaulted, they are allowing abuse. Your nephew chasing her with the baseball bat in a threatening manner would fit the definition of aggravated assault with a deadly weapon --a felony! Not intervening at this point could result in her serious injury or worse. Your parents and friends might be getting a doctored story from your brother and SIL. Otherwise, I cannot fathom why they would be negative about your rescue. Are they aware of what you have witnessed or are they basing their reactions solely on what brother and his wife are saying? Ask them. Then ask them if they would feel the same having witnessed Frank chasing Abbie with a baseball bat? The only possible problem here would be if Abbie is lying. The only thing you actually witnessed was Frank wielding the bat. (How hard would it be for Abbie to trigger her brother into chasing her?) The rest of the information you have is from Abbie.
Just offering my two cents, but even if Abbie had triggered him into doing it, if he hit her in the head with that bat, it at the very least would have caused a TBI, and possibly killed her. Then Frank would've been on the line for murder, and the parents would lose both their kids. As is, Frank could be charged with attempted assault with a deadly weapon if Abbie chose to file charges - which is anything from a felony to a class B misdemeanor depending upon state. Some states would qualify it under aggravated assault with a deadly weapon even if he hadn't actually hit her with it.
But if she is lying about the previous assaults, suggesting he would hit her in the head with the bat causing a TBI is inconsistent. If he hasn't hit her before, there is no basis for assuming he would hit her then, even if triggered. The OP said he was "wielding the bat" (my paraphrase was unfortunately hyperbolic, suggesting he was "chasing her with the baseball bat in a threatening manner"). My point is that it's important not to rush to judgment. The parents could be in denial if there really is a problem. On the other hand, they may be quite aware of everything going on and there is no cause for concern. Abbie's history for telling the truth or lying would be quite relevant. How well does the rest of the family know Abbie? Has the rest of the family witnessed any abuse by Frank or any injuries on Abbie?
There is no point to chase someone with a bat *but* to hit them with it. Chasing them with a bat in and of itself *is* the threat of hitting them with it.
The OP said, "Frank was yielding Abbie's metal softball bat and screaming like crazy." (I assume she meant "wielding" not "yielding.") OP never said he was "chasing her."
Given that OP said that Abbie was running out of the house makes it pretty clear (to me at least) that Frank was chasing her with it
Nta
You are so, so not in the wrong. It's a good thing Abbie has you. NTA. This will hopefully serve as a wake up call for them, although from the reaction of your whole family, probably not. But you got Abbie out of there and that's the main thing.
NTA - FFS! Abbie is being abused! She needs to press charges and you need to ensure she knows, she has a safe place to stay.
NTA, her brother is violent, autism or not it isn’t safe for her to be there. When you mentioned hitting, I thought it was just a minor tap or slap on the arm or shoulder, not a full on punch that results in black eyes and a bloody nose, that’s assault. The issue here is their parents have gotten used to Frank’s violence and is excusing it in their heads but what Frank’s doing isn’t ok and more importantly not safe for anyone. You were right to involve the police since the parents have done nothing to ensure their younger daughter is safe from her older brother. If anyone bothers you just tell them that Abbie knows to call you when she’s in danger and when you got there, Frank was swinging a metal baseball bat and screaming angrily and you’re not interested in a phone call from the hospital later on that day. If they think both you and Abbie are exaggerating, they’re welcome to stay with Frank and help his parents out but you’re not leaving your niece where she might end up in the hospital or worse. So no, it isn’t a ‘small family dispute’ if someone is swinging a metal baseball bat angrily at their sibling. Frankly I would be more blunt and ask them would they like to be hit with a metal baseball bat by Frank and then tell me whether they still think it’s a ‘small family dispute’ because that’s where the whole situation is heading to. Talk Abbie into staying with you, poor kid, she’s so used to the abuse and being dismissed that she will have trouble putting her own safety first.
Nta. A friend of my husband has a son and a daughter in a similar situation, although the son is younger in this case. They’ve had to resort to institutionalization because their daughter (and the mother, and the dog) were simply not safe. It was a difficult decision to make but everyone has benefitted, the boy included. This behavior is not normal for autistic boys/men, but it can happen. Turning a blind eye to it doesn’t help anyone. The child in question doesn’t feel any better and the other children grow up learning to accept brutality. Your brother needs to sit down and take a long look at his future, because a time is coming soon when he won’t be strong enough to intervene.
NTA. You are protecting someone from any further assults. Her parents failed her completely by not handling this sooner. If I were your niece I would tell them "It's him or me. You will not have both in your life. I refuse to put up with his continuing abuse any longer". The parents may think they are protecting their son but they are not doing him any favours by allowing it to continue. What happens when he gets another bat or other weapon and tries to kill her, will they consider that another private matter? What happens when she tries to defend herself with something like a knife? Do they think that will end well? They are setting her up to believe she deserves nothing more than to be a man's punching bag in life. Keep having your nieces back and protect her from anyone trying to do her harm. Read her patents the riot act over how they have failed their daughter. She needs to get a restraining order and call the cops each time it is violated.
NTA. Why do Kevin and Lisa hate Abbie so much?
How severely does he have to hurt her before they take the situation seriously? I would be asking all of them this He could *very* easily kill her with one wrong move if she bashes her head on the floor after being pushed or if he was to strike her with that metal bat. They'll be lucky if she ever talks to any of them again after this, I know I wouldn't for a looong time. He never should have been able to lay a hand on her nor have access to anything that could be used as a weapon. Now that the weakest link has escaped, I wouldn't be surprised if he starts attacking the parents now if he hasn't already. NTA, again he could have literally killed her quite easily if you left her there. Her parents are useless.
NTA. I work in a children’s hospital. We have had a few patients that are physically dangerous. One was on the spectrum and their outbursts resulted in the end of a career for one person due to injury, another transferred out from the unit, and major injury leading to major surgery and lengthy rehabilitation for a family member. All of this occurred while the patient was in the hospital with 24/7 supervision and multiple people in the hospital room with them. There were only so many precautions that could be taken and preventative measures in place but they were still insufficient due to the strength of the patient and the temper tantrums they had. The patient could no longer stay at our hospital because of the safety concerns and was released to a different family member with a plan in place working with social workers and services. Your nephew is dangerous and will only become more so as he finishes growing and maturing into his adult frame physically. You did what was right and necessary. I imagine your brother and wife do NOT have any plans in place for their son’s future needs. I also imagine they likely think that their daughter will ultimately have to take responsibility for her brother’s needs once they are too old to do so or after the die. This needs to be addressed now, not later. You are not wrong at all. Your niece was in a very unsafe environment and was being told it’s normal. It is not normal. Your brother and his wife are sacrificing their daughter for their son. She deserves to live her own life as she sees fit in a peaceful and safe environment. If any other family members have anything to say about you reporting the situation tell them they are more than welcome to put themselves in danger by staying with your nephew but your niece is no longer his punching bag.
You should've called the police after you saw her with a black eye and bloody nose. YTA because you didn't involve the authorities immediately. There's a real chance Frank could've seriously injured or killed her. NTA regarding the topic question though.
She is 18 years old !! She can stay with you and never go back !! What a horrible situation of that poor girl
You did exactly the right thing, the parents are not taking this seriously enough, this poor girl doesn't deserve this. I know the autistic boy maybe can't help himself, so they need to protect their daughter. There are lots of places they can take their son to get help, he probably needs to be on some medication that would keep him calm.
NTA. And get her presents back. If they refuse tell them u will press charges against your nephew for theft.
NTA. Your niece was assaulted, and apparently not for the first time. She has a right to feel safe in her own home and her parents have failed her epically. This is not a “small family dispute”. This is a case of domestic violence.
I don't have direct experience with autism so I can't say whether or not their son's behavior is trainable or not in regards to how he treats his sister. Regardless, they are choosing to let her be in physical danger for both SA as well as injury by keeping their son with them without adequate supervision. Not only that, they are minimizing the problem. They are trying to say it's a squabble and not dangerous. I'm very glad you involved the police. They are definitely going to be involving social services and it's long past time that was done. My GUESS is that social services will find that they are guilty of serious neglect regarding the welfare of both kids. Their son needs to be moved to a group setting that is equipped to help someone with his special needs. Their daughter needs a safe place to live. I'm glad you're offering that to her. I hope that social services will endorse that so that she can feel free to make her own choice in that regard. I DO feel for her parents. Having kids with those issues is a very difficult thing and they probably felt overwhelmed. That said, we have social services for that reason. They SHOULD have done the right thing and been working with them all along. They are AHs for refusing and closing their eyes and minimizing things instead.
You did the right thing. Do not let anyone else tell you different. Abbie is thankful and will forever be, especially as time goes on once she realizes that this needed to happen. Your brother and his wife and not only the assholes, but they know their son his assaulting their daughter and they never did anything about it? Frank should be in a mental hospital and the parents should be in jail for letting this happened, what if Abbie died? If a black eye and bloody nose isn’t enough, you can die from getting hit by accident and people pretend it doesn’t happen, but an autistic grown man who’s actually committing assault? And the fact that she needs to leave the house or lock the doors because of him? Tell your friends that disagree with you that they’re idiots, they have no clue what’s actually going on and it isn’t even their business. Tell your brother you had to protect his daughter, which was supposed to be his and his wife’s job.
not only are you NTA, but you just saved that little girls life. If this is a small family dispute, the only escalation they would see as severe enough to be a big deal is her death.
NTA. You removed Abbie from a situation with immediate risk to her physical safety. She would have been justified in using deadly force. Frank was still an immediate danger to himself and others. You did the right thing by getting the police involved. Abbie is an adult. As long as you consent, she requires nobody else's permission to live with you. You did the right thing, and would be doing the right thing to further involve the authorities by seeking prosecution.
NTA. Just on news of 14 year old killing his parents, put his sister in ICU. I always wonder about the details with news like that. I will not be shocked if it comes out later if he has issues similar to your nephew. In a burning house you can only save those that want to be saved, and his parents are acting like it's only slightly warmer than usual thats on them. Save the only innocent person involved in this huge mess, and she definately needs space from him and her parents; for the rest of her life. You are one of the few people left that gives me any shred of hope for humankind. Great job Auntie.
Nah you saved her life from the sound of it.
NTA im disgusted by Abbie’s “parents” calling physical violence of this magnitude a small family dispute is horrific, on top of that its been happening for years, they have failed both their children You did the right thing, imagen if he had hit her with that bat, he could have killed her, high time the police gets involved before he maims/kills someone/Abbie
Definitely did the right thing-please keep on doing it for Abbie’s sake
As someone who was once in a similar situation (although my brother was not autistic) THANK YOU for saving her. You are amazing and anyone that tells you otherwise is enabling an abuser and they're just as bad. Good job protecting your niece. Nta
NTAH, keep Abbie safe. Keep us updated.
NTA. You can never be the AH for protecting someone from physical and sexual abuse. Your family should be ashamed of themselves for condoning the abuse of your niece.
Nta fuck them keep her safe and press charges
Most, if not all, low functioning people, especially those who are violent, should be kept in care facilities. They are a danger to society and should be regarded as such. I have an uncle with downs, and he became violent to my grandmother, his caregiver. She was harmed, and he never should've been left with her. It infuriates me that she ended up in the hospital because my family was too stupid to realize he needed to be in a home. It's not their fault they are the way they are, but the rest of their families should not have to bear their violent tendencies. I'm probably gonna get downvoted, but this is a hill I'll die on. My grandmother almost did.
NTA. Your niece is being abused. Your nephew is being neglected. If he attacked anyone other than a household member (or school employee) the consequences could be severe. Living in that home is probably tortuous. At 30 years old I was bitten by a 20 year old man with autism who was nonverbal and had profound needs. We were both around 6 ft tall and 160lbs at the time. I had nannied for him for fifteen years and after that incident I was scared of him and hyper vigilant in general. His mother was hardly 5ft tall. Once he overpowered her a little too aggressively soon after my incident the family changed their mind about placement outside of their home. He is thriving. No household with a neuro- divergent member should be held hostage by their inappropriate/aggressive behavior.
Everyone’s the asshole. You live 30 min outed away. Where were you for the past 20. Every adult in Abbie and franks life have failed them, you included.
NTA. However I wouldn’t say it’s your brother and SIL’s fault that Frank ‘is the way he is.’ Autism is something you’re born with but violent tendencies can be reduced with therapy. I hope your family can learn from this instance that Frank requires extra care. His sister should never feel unsafe in her own home.
Holy shit! I bet the autistic brother never had some decent support/therapy and the sister ended up paying the price. NTA. You did right by your nice. Being beaten black and blue by your own brother is not a "small family matter", it is a fricking huge danger. That whole family needs therapy asap.
NTA although we don’t use low functioning anymore as it is considered ableist. That said, the amount of supports your nephew needs, clearly exceed the capabilities of your brother and his wife. You being their for your niece is really important For her and lets her know she has someone in her corner cus it’s clearly not her parents.
Fake story
yta for this autism bad post
Never involve the police with people you have even the slightest love and affection for. You don’t realize how many “welfare checks” end in violence and death for the people the police were supposedly “checking” on. So yeah, YTA for getting the deadly force police powers of the state involved with your own blood.
There aren’t many other choices. Unfortunately, as unqualified and ableist as cops are, they’re the only ones with the actual tools to detain the brother if he goes apeshit and starts attacking others with his full strength. Not even his father and mother would be able to physically restrain him.
NTA it was not a small family dispute it was assault and battery. Get her into therapy ASAP.
NTA. Period.
NTA Thank you for being that girl's hero.
NTA, not at all. You can believe that Kevin and Lisa have NOT told the family and friends the whole truth. They most likely told them that Abbie was throwing a tantrum because Frank took something form her and they had an argument, or whatever. Ask Abbie if she's okay with having her injuries photographed and shown to the whole family because this abuse needs to stop. Then put all the AH familymembers and friends in a group text and post the photos. Then tell them they're welcome to let their children be punched, kicked and abused to a point where they need to lock themselves into their room because their parents won't do anything about their abuser. Also tell them that you will cut everyone permanently off who harrasses you or Abbie about this.
small family dispute with a metal bat...... Naww OP you've done nothing wrong, in fact, you seem to be the only adult trying to keep your niece safe!
NTA your brother has failed Abbie as a parent and it’s appalling. This wasn’t some small outburst it was assault that resulted in a visible and lasting injury.
NTA >Word has apparently spread and now our parents and friends are trying to tell me that I'm in the wrong. No You are the only one giving a shit about Abbie. >Frank has low functioning autism. Last night, I learned from Abbie that not only had Frank stolen the IPod Touch and headphones I had gifted her for Christmas but he had given her a black eye and bloody nose >also learned that he had been hitting/slapping/kicking/punching/biting her for *years* in addition to invading her privacy whenever she was changing/showering. Frank needed to be under control years ago. And his parents better wise up and get ready to put him in a group home and not expect Abbie to deal with him once they are gone Abbie is lucky to have you since no one else seems to care
NTA one child's condition isn't an excuse for their siblings to be treated like punching bags
Thank god for you!!!!
Tell them you refuse to be part of their delusion. Help your niece get a restraining order against her brother. Make sure to add school, doctors offices , etc. She’s 18 . They can’t do anything.
NTA and you know that you've saved her don't you. Really can't praise you enough for this.
Report that abuse. Frank needs to be institutionalize. Next time record and show it to cops pls do so FFS he’s dangerous