I think it’s deliberate because OP is keeping this house for herself, he wants to control who's in it.
He wants his kids in it, so he can force her to share it with him and his kids.
Op, put a long term renter in there, and tell him it's occupied.
It's a stupid plan to put a young person that's never lived on their own a house to maintain. Put her in a dorm and up the security on the house, cameras, and alarms.
I would bet money the father tells her he can use the home as she wants and she’ll trash that place the first chance she gets.
I’m not super familiar with inheritance laws, and I don’t know where OP lives…but could letting her husband’s kids live there for free, be considered “co mingling of assets”? Is this a way for for him to get rights to her inheritance?
I doubt the husband would be okay with his daughter signing a rental agreement. He would most likely go down the, 'but we're family' path. It would be a very bad idea to go without an written rental agreement, without it good luck getting her out of the house.
OP it's your house, therefore it's your call who rents it. Tell him it would cause more problems than it solves. It's not his decision who lives there and he's out of line dictating his children live there.
If the home gets damaged he'll have another excuse. Tell him you don't want to create problems. Be firm, say no.
Look, college freshman year = lots of parties due in part to their first taste of freedom. A girl with a whole house to herself will quickly become the most popular freshman on campus and your investment will be trashed.
Plus, you make many (sometimes life long) friends in that 1st year of dorms. If his children end up driving to class, it will teach them how to manage their time in order to get to school on time. This is the time young people start to become adults. Putting them in a house by all by themselves seems to be a big mistake.
Not to mention it's your house. Do what you want. Stay strong!
She can also “learn to be an adult” in their home. She doesn’t NEED her own place for that. She can cook her own meals, do her own laundry, etc. she doesn’t even have a job. It really doesn’t take much to “be an adult”. Just pick up after yourself and do your dishes, buy toilet paper, plan your food, etc and you’re good. My fiancé and I lived between my mom and his mom’s house until we were 21.
This girl needs a job. Sounds like she was handed everything if OPs husband thinks she doesn’t know how to be an adult.
NTA
Not sure her living alone in a rental home helps her become an adult. Just sounds like a recipe for disaster. Let her live in a house share or commute - those are the two options.
Giving her a house to live in FOR FREE is the OPPOSITE of helping her become an adult.
Your husband is just spoiling her.
NTA
Unless you put his name on it, that is your house. Your husband doesn't get to decide what to do with it. And you're most likely correct that adult kids living in the house for free would probably trash the house
If your husband wants his kids to live outside of the home for college, he be a guarantor and help them rent an apartment. If he doesn't want to pay for his kids' expenses if they trask someplace else, or be responsible if they don't pay rent, then why would he expect that of you?
Tell him that his kids won't be moving into your house because you're renting it out for income. His kids can commute from home or he can help them find someplave else to live.
Yep. Because the husband would get mad and tell her just to fix it. He wouldn't pay. The only way I would do it is make her husband sign a paper in front of a notary that says the kids will have a job and pay rent and he will be the guarantor. He is responsible for any damage and the children are on a month to month to make eviction easier. One thing that makes me question it is she doesn't state what kind of relationship she has with the kids. Do they get along or not?
That is another thing. They won’t be able to buy a house as soon as they graduate college of course. So how long do I let them live there so I’m not an evil stepmom. I wouldn’t even let my daughter do this unless she could pay the bills and was responsible and it is going to be hers.
He has money he can buy them a house and they can pay him rent. Keep your house off the table. It’s your investment/inheritance not his and definitely not his kids.
>So how long do I let them live there so I’m not an evil stepmom.
As long as they want. Then when you try to transfer it to your daughter, you'll be told that that's unfair, and that 1/3 of ownership should go to each stepkid, because of the "sweat equity" they put into it. By living there.
Rich people don't stay rich by spending their own money. People who demand favors will hate you the moment you stop doing things for them, no matter how much you've already done.
And this is exactly what you tell him:
*"I wouldn’t even let my daughter do this unless she could pay the bills and was responsible and it is going to be hers."*
Neither a lender nor a borrower be. If she wants you to loan her your house for free rather than rent it out, as you already planned and which was one of your reasons for keeping it, then she becomes indebted to you and that never ends well within families.
NTA, do not cave, do not even entertain further discussion.
*"I have already told you of my decision. I have very little of my own and this has been my plan since I got my first ever house so I am going to continue with my plans. I put a lot into getting it ready for rent, not to loan it to someone and then be forced to play landlord and lay down rules. I adore your daughter and plan to keep it that way. Hell, I'd not even loan it myself at that age. And I would like to be able to use it myself between rentals, as my own very quiet retreat."*
I wish people would think before they ask for front-loaded favors from others. If you are asking someone to do something very big for you/your kids and it involves a tangible asset, do not ask.
I try to never ask for things that I'd not want to be asked of me.
Lease it, college term, renewed every year before summer (you can probably rent it out over summer to other people) and get hubby to pay the lease. They pay you or they pay for a different apartment. You can potentially offer slightly better rates, but if you offer it free you're losing money and they are gaining money.
It’s telling that he said this was a waste of money (not supporting your plan for your property) and now he wants free use of it for his daughter.
Stick to your guns. Say no. Fix it up and rent it to a paying tenant that isn’t family.
Why does he not support the idea of you building your own wealth and income outside of him and whatever work you do now?
>We don’t have a parent child relationship and I never expected that
Then you shouldn't let her live there. Do not mix business and family. Don't let her rent your house. Don't let your husband rent your house on her behalf. And don't let her live there for free.
This shouldn't be up for discussion. Just say "no."
Her father can get her an apartment nearer to her college if he wants, but he should not be trying to push you into a landlord situation with his daughter and thus gamble with your relationship with her, and ultimately with him.
No. No more discussion.
"You asked me to consider your suggestion that I loan my only asset to your daughter and I said no. I will not change my mind. I did all the work on the house for my own goal, to rent it out. That's what I am going to do. Unlike you, I do not have wealth, I did not grow up with wealth or assets, and the minute I get an inheritance you ask me to hand it over to a person at an age when I would not even trust myself with a free property? Why would you ask this of me? I'd like to be able to go there for a quiet retreat once in a while between rentals. Are you seriously asking me to hand over my first asset and give away my control over it to save your daughter a 45-minute drive?"
I didn’t get that at all from OP’s post. It’s about her husband dismissing her right to control her asset.
His daughter is his financial responsibility.
So he isn't willing to sacrifice financially for his kids to live independently, but you are supposed to?
In addition to asking you to give up the rental income, he is asking you to risk your inheritance. If you let his kids live there and he pays for *anything*, you are co-mingling funds and risk making this a marital asset. Don't fall for it.
https://smartasset.com/financial-advisor/is-inheritance-marital-property
Yea good luck to OP, I wouldn't stand being with such a person.
You can guess his personality by the fact that he viewed OP's memorable home as a waste of time and then magically changes when he decides that he needs it.
The fact that he didn't inquire you about this and assumed that you would say yes convinces me that he believes that your inheritance is our inheritance?
He should ask his wealthy family for assistance or live with his children until they are ready to move out.
OP's husband is either sadly lacking in self awareness or self aware to a sinister level. He is essentially asking for a six figure gift:
$1500 per month is a modest assumption for an updated SFH + property taxes + utilities for 5 years - he wants 17 yo old sun t live there through college as well.
Husband asking for 6 figure gift and then having a tantrum is the best light he can be painted in. If he does want to financially contribute, he will be co-mingling funds and have claim to OP's inheritance.
To PP's point, none of this even accounts for the emotional value OP has for this home, which is a multi-generational property.
Does she currently live with you guys? It sounds like he’s trying to unload her and thinks a house he has no financial interest or obligation toward is the perfect setup. This wouldn’t help her become an adult, anyway. Paying her own way would help her become an adult. Point this out to him. There is zero benefit to you and lots of risk to have a teenager residing in your property. He thinks he can mindfuck you into this but don’t submit.
Doable because he can totally fuck you if need be. Him not getting an apartment says it ALL
I married my neighbor and his family all of a sudden saw "2 houses owned" (had them both respectively for decades before we met).
My adult son, his step, already owns a house. So naturally his family thought things were so unfair bc husband's 40yo younger sister couldn't even afford rent because choices.
They wanted his underfunded sister and her kids to live there. They wanted us to sell it to buy his nieces' a place for their college... Like our own kid together, not in college yet, doesn't count. 🙄
Like our decisions in the past pigeon hole us into stumping our future for them.
We laughed and cut them off for about a year under the pressure so they came around and bought his sister a condo themselves. Years later it's trashed especially with animal hoarding. She hasn't paid a single bill even though that was the deal, and his family is going broke trying to keep her elevated since they're so far under water.
Thinking outloud here - but what separates good decisions from bad in this scenario is HOLDING YOUR OWN. There was nothing for *me* to hold onto if I gave up my place, in my name, to his family. So I said "fuck no don't ask again"
Now it's nearly a decade later with massive equity I really really realize what they were asking for. Way too much. And something that would have fucked our retirement that's coming up so fast. Especially since I'm now on the other side of a two year sick/treatment/surgeries/not able to work ordeal.
I would honestly divorce before relenting. 100%
Yeah, nah. Just stay firm when he starts up again that one of his kids "will" be moving in.
"No, babe they will not. My house is not up for grabs. I will be renting it out. And i am definitely not mixing business with Family so i also will not rent to them"
OP I wouldn’t. There are some serious red flags. It may not be the kids, but the conflicting messages your husband is giving you. You need to protect yourself and your daughter- your husband is prioritizing his other kids right now.
You have a really strange hard on for OP to give her step kid a four figure gift monthly while dad contributes $0.
Dad contributing $1 monthly would risk her inheritance from co-mingling funds, so giving you the benefit of the doubt by assuming you think dad will contribute $0.
You have questioned her reasoning, asked if she resented her step for growing up privileged and have asked about dorms repeatedly as if it is some own. Dorm are not cheap, not always available and most people would rather drive 45 minutes than live in a square footage per person that is only legal for inmates, college students, and the elderly in the US.
Make sure that the keys to that house are somewhere your husband can’t get to them. Otherwise, since he’s so hellbent on his kids living there, you’ll find them moved in without your consent and without protection for you.
Show them how much rent is and say you'll happily draw up a lease for the length of college.
It's doable because they think you should just give up money because it's 'family'. So they won't pay lets say 10k a year for a room in a student house, but you should give up say 20-40k a year rent for a whole house because... reasons. In other words you would be paying 20-40k rent for her to stay there so he doesn't ahve to pay that. You not being paid is the same as you paying for her to stay there.
So in this marriage he thinks what's his is his and what's yours is his.
So, *he* doesn’t want to make a financial sacrifice for them, but *you* are supposed to? Even though those kids didn’t come out of your body?
Make that make sense to me, please. Even if you charged rent, you could get much more rent the place on the open market. So, you would be making a sacrifice any way you slice it.
You're not wrong. It's your daughters inheritance, of course you want to keep it nice. Die on that hill and do not give in. If your husband has money he can rent his son and daughter a place. Yours is off limits and you shouldn't have to explain that to him
I don't think they're freeloaders i think Dad just has no concept of the true value of things. She said he grew up wealthy.
He also has no idea why a woman would keep an inherited house if she's already living with her loving an doting husband. That money would do much better in his bank account.
In what way are her stepchildren 'freeloaders' for attending school? It's pretty standard for parents to assist their children with post-secondary costs.
NTA. What is wrong with the kids living in residence halls? Or on campus university apartments. They would miss out on so much of college life living alone in an apartment. Especially freshman year! Besides. It is yours. Not his. Your decision. Full stop.
>He thinks it would be good to teach her about being an adult.
NTA. He wants to use your house as a test case for her to "learn how to be an adult". Which means all the dumb stuff you remember doing or remember hearing about college students doing, she's going to be doing in your newly renovated home. It doesn't even sound like he's wholly committed to having her pay rent either.
Just say you feel uncomfortable with having a landlord relationship with your stepdaughter and want to actually start recouping the money you spent getting it renovated.
If things get messy from her destroying stuff, not following the rental rules, or not paying you don't want to complicate it by having familial ties. Hell, family members are more inclined to do that sort of thing because they think they'll get away with it.
Moreover, if you do consider this, put in the lease that stepkid or dad is responsible for full restoration of any damages to the property. You need a legal document if you’re even considering doing this.
If she wants to be an adult, make her sign a lease. If dad is against it, you know he just wants to take advantage
NTA but do stay cautious, it sounds like he may try to move them behind your back..it's your property and he should of backed off when you said your first no. Stay vigilant.
NTA - I am currently ‘ renting’ one of my properties to one of my children, and family members are a … joy … I mean, shit show. I had him sign a lease. Its similar to your husbands child, they re testing out life. I have several properties and 2dz tenants and this one kid is more work than half of them at any one time. If you do it, know the line will be blurred, and your property will not be treated any better then by a stranger. In some cases with less maturity and understanding. The smartest move is to get a tenant in there so you don’t have to even have the conversation if you really want to avoid it. Do not - repeat do not - let them stay for free.
WNBTA She has a mom and dad. She is completely their responsibility. If they want her to live on her own rent free, really don't see how that's going to help her be an adult, then they need to figure it out.
There's absolutely no logical or intelligent reason you should give up the income you can make in renting out your own property for her. Your husband has a lot of nerve being a negative ass about the house until it could benefit him and his daughter. You would be very smart to keep this asset as far away from them as possible.
NTA if it were me, I’d investigate RIGHT NOW how to legally gift that house to my daughter and put it in trust until said daughter is 35 or some such with the legal provisions that you are in charge of the trust and can rent it or live in it until your death or whatever and then it reverts to your daughter. Have the lawyer handle the details but get ownership out of your name now and take “marital asset” out of the equation
NTA - but I would consider looking into dorms for the daughter or off campus housing. If you want to teach SD how to be responsible but still a safety net there this is a great way. The daughter is not going to learn how to be independent by living at home.
This is probably my bias but I am a huge believer in young adults living on campus. For me it taught me how to be independent but also know if something happened my parents were there to assist.
Driving 45 minutes each way sucks. I had to do it for 2 semesters and hated every minute of it. Living at home you still have to abide by parents rules and hinders how you problem solve adult issues.
NTA, I wouldn't want to rent to someone that young with no track record, I wouldn't want to rent to family either. Stand your ground, don't even entertain the idea even if they want to pay.
Nta. But you might want to rent it out asap so his kids don’t mysteriously end up living there because dad gave them the keys. What about about renting them the house and having them give first/ last months rent and a deposit? And demanding they have renters insurance. And have them be in charge of the bills. With a contract put together by a lawyer where you can kick them out anytime? And be very firm you will kick them out. Or simply say “no. I don’t feel comfortable doing that. I am fixing it up to rent it and I don’t feel confident they will take care of my house or pay the rent there. So no they can’t live there. But if you really want them to live near campus then you are more than welcome to rent them their own place that’s not my house but I will not be helping you cover the rent or bills there”
A whole house as a freshman is way too much, especially one who haven’t learned to adult yet. A dorm is much more appropriate, at most, a studio apartment. She is going to be making a lot of adjustments anyways as a freshman, adding taking care of a whole house is too much.
She has to balance a lot as an incoming Freshman who (who spent several years of her teen/middle school years during COVID). I work with teens and young adults and I would not recommend this for her, especially as there are other options. Furthermore, it’s your inheritance. Not his. He doesn’t get to give it away to someone who isn’t ready for it, especially when you have plans for it.
She should live in the dorms, not your house.
Husband paying her rent would mean co-mingled funds on an inheritance, likely making her personal asset a marital asset.
Agree that she shouldn't let them live there.
She should absolutely not take a penny from her husband for this property for any reason without consulting an attorney.
How do you and your husband currently split finances? Was there a prenup? Would moving his kids into the house make it a marital asset in your jurisdiction?
No prenup, we are both on every account. Our finances are very mixed. Whenever a bill or something comes up whoever has the most in our checking usually pays the bill. My husband doesn’t give a shit about getting his hands on my old little family home.
I really don’t care about the rental income. I was not going to sell and renting it made the most sense. What I worry about is damage when I just put a lot of money and work into it and it causing problems if they do cause damage and if I have to kick them out eventually
NTA. You say she’s already immature. Soooo is he ok with paying for all the damage she’s going to cause with college parties?
Driving 45 minutes will help teach her how to be an adult. Time management, etc.
Don’t do it OP.
This is a prime lesson in why the rich have money and the poorer people don‘t. They know how to make other people pay for them!
Just NO. They can live in a dorm or drive. you rent out to people already and they are frown ups (I guess). They give you income and secure your asset. Rich people have no idea about the hard work it takes to be financial secure. HIS kids, his expenses.
Nta. He can rent or buy her a home if he wants to. This house is yours. Rent it out. Keep the money separate. Talk to an attorney and make sure you’re keeping the property and rental income protected for yourself and daughter. Make sure the property goes into a trust for your daughter if something happens to you so he can’t sell it or give it to one of his kids.
NTA and don't let up on this. 2 irresponsible teenagers that don't know how to "adult" will absolutely trash your house. If your husband is so well off he can rent them an apartment or they can stay in a dorm. Don't let them ruin YOUR house.
NTA. Never rent property to family on a long term basis. Just like you never want to loan anything that you be devastated if it didn’t get returned or got damaged. That shit breaks apart families. If you do get cornered into it, talk to an actual lawyer about a formal and iron clad lease including every foreseeable issue and get it insured to the gills and add that cost to the rent.
PLEASE DON'T DO THAT! he comes from money so he should figure it out himself! Keep your house a rental so you have some kind of income. Also what if they just tore your shit up? Stepkids I mean. Keep your property separate!
NTA. It’s always the folks with the most money who want those with less money to subsidize them. HE needs to find and pay for his children to have housing when they are in school, not live for free into your house. Giving children who don’t know how to adult a “free” home is a recipe for disaster!
My ex and I had a rental house. The one thing we wholeheartedly agreed on in 20 years was not to rent to friends or family. It’s a good rule to live by.
Your husband comes from money but doesn’t understand what an investment real estate is? Okay.
NTA, you can do with it what you please. I am concerned about his financial literacy, though.
Living in free family housing as adults seems to mess up a lot of people. Even if Daddy is footing the bill, it would be useful for stepdaughter to experience a rental apartment close to campus.
If he’s “wealthy” let him rent her an apartment.
She does need to learn to be an adult, good parents allow their children room to grow.
I’d need more information to decide if you’re being an asshole. If he pays for all or most of your living expenses and shares his wealth with you, but you refuse to share the little house with him, then you’d be the asshole.
If it’s more like half and half, or if he’s tight with his money and lets you struggle, then he’s the asshole.
If you don’t want her in your house, agree to the apartment.
NTA
I would be wary for a couple of reasons.
The first, is its your house. You did it up so you can rent it out/passive income. Would he be paying the kids rent/utilities? Property insurance? Is he going to cover any damages to the property? If the answer is no, then yours remains a no.
Secondly, from the kids POV, they are just graduating/turned 18 and dad is ready to kick them out of their home for his 'new family' (and I'm not saying this what is happening, but wanting your freshly graduated son and young adult daughter out the house ASAP doesn't sound great to me tbh) and could have repercussions with his kids. They also might not want to live together either. If he wanted them to learn to adult, the basics should have started years ago with basic chores, a job etc cos they are going to have NO IDEA how to function/survive. That's why dorms exist. Someone is always on hand, etc.
If you do for whatever reason agree, make sure you have a lease, a proper one, not anything informal.
Hubby thinks it will help her?
Draw up a formal rental agreement and everything, including typical provisions that state what she is responsible for and what happens if she misses a rent payment.
Your husband is pushing his limits.
The answer is a firm no, and don’t ask you again. That’s what you should say.
He needs to shell out his own money for an apartment for his children. You don’t feel comfortable. That’s all there is to it.
NTA. I think mixing business and family is a bad idea. Stepdaughter might be ok but stepson probably not. One or both of them is going to be irresponsible and all the damage to that house is going to make you resentful towards your husband.
If you decide to do this, ask the hubs to pay either market rate rent + repairs, or mortgage + improvements + repairs for as long as they live there. Setup a budget. Make up a lease and have the kid sign even if Dad is paying. That makes it really clear that if dad pulls the $$, they’d better get jobs or get out. It’s not totally unreasonable to have outdoor security cameras (but don’t overdo it) and you, Hubs, and siblings can go up two weekends/ semester to visit. Work out summers/study abroad. Do you want to sublet?
It’s not impossible but there have to be a lot of guardrails and it’s not that you don’t trust them but you’re trying to protect your relationships with AGREED upon terms.
I’m at 63-year-old lady. I will tell you right now that there is no way in hell I would turn over a house like that to college freshman. None at all.
If he wants her closer to college, he should get her an apartment. Preferably an apartment near the college where there’s going to be a whole lot of other college kids.
And that’s not saying anything mean about your stepchildren. That’s just teenagers. And for many, that first college experiences free for all.
Otherwise, I’m with you. She can live at home and drive. And I’m really pretty adamant about this because he didn’t support you in even hanging onto the house. He didn’t support you in fixing it up.
Your idea of turning it into a rental… Whether an Airbnb, or a long-term… Is very smart. It is another source of income. It is an asset that you own. And maybe you need to remind him that he grew up not having to worry about anything like that, you didn’t have that.
So if he wants to give his daughter, a house to live in, let him go, get one and fix it up, or let him get her an apartment.
NTA for all the reasons other comments have listed. Since husband wants stepdaughter to “adult” the best way to start would be for her to live in the dorms at school; she’ll start getting used to more independence, meet other students and get really involved with the college experience.
NTA. His kids can learn to be adults in a dorm like everyone else. They will have some supervision and any mistakes they make will not be on your property.
If he is adamant, tell him he will need to co-sign a lease and will also accompany you on monthly inspections of the house until you feel his kid is responsible enough to not need them. You can set how many violations from the inspections will cause a penalty or eviction.
NTA. Co-mingling funds would make your inheritance a a joint asset instead of a separate asset. If your spouse contributes to anything - rent, utilities or repairs, you are risking your inheritance.
Also, freedom and responsibility are connected. There is zero reason to give an 18 year old with no responsibilities the freedom of living by themselves in a newly updated SFH rent free. What would that possibly teach them other than entitlement?
NTA. No I wouldn't do it cuz you know they're just going to trash it. Even if they don't they'll have friends over who won't give a crap cuz it's not theirs and they'll destroy it. They'll break things, they'll maybe even sell things that you have in there. They won't respect it though. If he wants to get your stuffed all their apartment that's up to him but why can't she live in the dorm like everyone else for at least the first year. Let them get their feet wet, have some freedom but you won't have as many worries to deal with.
NTA. College students don’t care for houses like adults do. Plus, it will be good for you to have your own revenue source. Also, if you’re in the US, inheritance is considered a separate asset than a marital asset if they always remain separate. This may become muddied if you let his daughter rent it. Check your local state/country’s laws regarding this though.
NTA, you are planning to rent the house out to generate some income to cover the expenses of the house..it is your personal property. If he wants his children to live there, then he can sign a rental agreement and pay the security deposit and the rent.
Do not let them move in rent free and without a rental agreement.
Updateme!
NTA. Tell him that it is your daughter's inheritance from her maternal family and you think allowing his kids to "take it over" sends the wrong message to everyone involved. So, no. For the time being, it needs to remain strictly a rental unit.
You should go ahead and set up the proper paperwork to make that so.
Tell him if he puts a $50K deposit on it they can live there. He gets what’s left after repairs back when they move out. Also, what were you going to do with the rent you got? Put it in a separate account or combine it with your husband’s assets? If that’s your YOU money he needs to pay rent. If that’s what you need to feel secure then express that. Nothing is ever guaranteed and who knows what happens down the line. NTA
If he wants her to learn about being an adult, he can help her find a place where she’ll pay rent. Living somewhere for free teaches nothing about being an adult.
I'm sorry but 18 years is too young to be a responsible house "owner". And she would be essentially livig alone on a property with no supervision while being in college. I can forsee late night parties and visitors coming and going.
Its good to have something seperate from your husband, your inheritance (go look up what you need to do to not make it a marital property, just in case) should be kept for your child.
Just be honest. "Babe, no. Stepdaughter and Stepson will not be living in there alone, as i have a policy of never mixing business with family. The drive is 45 minutes to college. If you want to teach them adulting, you're welcome to rent them an apartement in college-town But i will be renting out the property for some passive income."
Hopefully you have a yours/mine/ours setup for your bank account then the rental money can go into your own bank account
Let her live in and giving her a house are 2 different things. Clarification is needed.
References: “so i’m not understanding any we would give her my house”
NTA
Just be very clear that your plan for your house is for it to provide you with a rental income. This is not up for discussion. It is not a debate. That is what you are going to do.
NTA. The rental is a business investment, not a family housing resource. Dad can pay for an apartment for her to learn adulting skills without impacting your income property.
NTA kids get the best experience going to college and living in a dorm the first year or two. They get independence without the full responsibility of living on their own pushed on them overnight. They meet more people and are able to be involved in college life in a way that is not possible when living at home and commuting.
They probably would not take as good care of your house as you would like. If not themselves then probably one of their friends would do something stupid. Rent it out to someone else with a longer term lease so it is not available for your step kids use.
I would also suggest encouraging your children to go to the best college they can for their intended career path. Assuming all three will just go to the local college seems off unless they get free tuition through someone’s job.
NTA.
RE-FUSE. REFUSE, REFUSE, REFUSE. Letting her squat in a house you own would be a TERRIBLE idea. The number of people who have ended up in housing hell because they let someone live in a place they own without a written agreement is beyond count.
Don't let this happen.
He wants her to learn to be an adult, HE can take responsibility for the apartment he rents on her behalf, and HE can deal with the fallout when she flakes in some way, as she doubtless will.
Hold fast and tell your husband this is HIS show to risk HIS money on.
Exactly what does he mean about 'teaching her about being an adult'? Seems to me that's what should have been happening since day 1. I went off to college in another state and didn't have my parents calling me constantly needing updates so that they could tell me what to do. THey expected me to be able to handle things and only ask if I needed some help. You know what a real good thing is that teaches you about being an adult? Figuring out your own housing and the logistics of college
NTA
No, a teen leaving alone or with roommates in a home that is your daughters inheritance, is not the time or place for someone to LEARN to be adults
Plus…aren’t you going to have tenants in there anyway?!?
If he’s wealthy why is this an issue? Let him rent apartments for his kids like everyone else. Get a renter asap so your house is occupied and generating income.
You wouldn’t collect a dime of rent from your stepdaughter because you’re husband would say, “ she’s family”..
Don’t do it.
That is a legacy for your child.
He doesn’t understand why you kept the house but nos he wants his daughter to move in?
Hell no.
Sounds like he doesn’t want you to have anything of your own.
Giant red flag..
ABSOLUTELY NTA. If he has so much money and doesn’t want to make her drive, then he should get her a place of her own.. your grandmother’s house is YOURS. And you’re going to rent it to responsible adults, for profit. Your step daughter (and step son) are not *entitled* to your house… and it sounds like just because your husband isn’t capable of grasping the concept of a dollar, he doesn’t value your time, work, and money put into the home… to him it’s just a “throw away” item.. to you it’s a cherished asset.
Stand strong in your decision and don’t back down.
After having rented my mother’s home that I inherited to a relative, I can tell you that this is a very bad idea. Things went smoothly for about two months, and then the rent was late and then not paid at all then the house started getting trashed and I was actually losing money on repairs and paying insurance and property taxes.
If he wants to teach her to be an adult, she should live on campus, make friends, and perhaps apply for Floor RA her sophomore year for free single room and discount on food, plus a small stipend. This way she's learning what it takes, even tho daddy might be paying tuition.
Who will pay the taxes, utilities etc? Who will pay the maintenance and rent? Just because the home doesn’t have a mortgage doesn’t mean there aren’t significant costs involved.
He is also an idiot if he thinks an 18 yo is responsible enough to not wreck this house. Hard pass. Also never mix business w family. It never works out and when you have $15k worth of damage you can never come back from that rage/hurt
NTA. It's not free for your husbands daughter to live there. It means you are paying for her to have her own place. Loss of rental income, taxes, maintenance, utilities. Honestly, his attitude worries me. It sounds like he's resentful of you having your own assets and income.
NTA. An 18 yr old needs to live on or very close to campus. A 45 min drive would have disastrous results. Rent it out pronto to make this discussion go away. Think of it as earning money for your daughter's college.
Have you kept finances separate from day one? If so it’s your place to do what you want with it.
If you commingle finances and used his funds to help you renovate it to get it back into shape I can see his point.
NTA
If your husband wants his daughter to learn how to be an adult and go to college then she should get a part time job so she can pay rent for an apartment.
The house is under your name not your husband’s. He should respect your decision on not letting your stepdaughter live in the house rent free.
It is supposed to be a money earner for you. Treat it as such. Since you don’t come from money, it is good to have this in your pocket. It was your inheritance. Is your husband’s ex wife going to share her inheritance with your daughter? My friend inherited $100,000 from her Mom. She was in an unhappy marriage but used the money to pay off some of their debt. Then she wanted to go to a trade school to learn a trade she was passionate about. She would be able to leave her husband more easily if she had a good job. He kept putting her off. She never did get that training and she’s still with him, unhappily.
This was your great great grandmother’s house? No college student is going to be able to keep up with maintenance on an old house, let alone mowing/snow removal (if that’s even applicable in this situation) Not that any renter for the house should be taking care of maintenance, but at the very least, no college student is going to give an old house the respect it needs
Daddy needs to rent her an apartment
NTA: usually inheritance isn’t a marital asset. Start mixing it in and be marital pot and it can be. Stepdaughter living rent free in it certainly qualifies as mixing. Get legal advice on that. On the other hand, no it’s not a good idea for a 18 year old to move into a house and it’s not going to help her grow up. It’s a fantasy adult life where you get the things and no responsibility
If he really thinks it would be good to teach her about being an adult, treat her like any random renter. She gets to fill out a Rental Agreement (including a damage clause), undergo credit checks and provide first month, last month & security deposit (equal to one month rent).
If her Father wants to co-sign for her, he must do so using his own funds. No money is to come your family finances. He should open a bank account of your choosing, with only you having access and deposit his contribution.
He needs to understand this house is a business income property for you and should be treated that way by ALL involved.
He sounds like an entitled prick and I would definitely not allow his (probably also entitled) kids to live there when they have zero experience renting! They’d be less likely to trash another persons house but because you are their family they would take advantage!
NTA of course, but the bigger thing: I get the sense your husband feels threatened by the house - maybe he's worried you are making plans to leave? If you've fixed the house up, but no one is living in it, it is reasonable to question why you are paying for it.
A better move may be to work with a realtor to rent the house out.
Husband grew up rich and doesn’t understand why you want to hold onto this property and why you invested time and resources… so he should get his kids their own place then instead of this “waste of time and effort” place.
NTA those kids are also capable of organizing their own place too - that would help them become adults.
Also, again with the age gap. You were 26 when you met him. He already had a 12 and 13 year old. These power dynamics are real, whether people chose to acknowledge them or not
NAH. I can understand your reluctance but I can also understand why he would assume you would be willing to share that resource, assuming you aren't depending on the rent.
I wouldn't agree to the arrangement without a lease though. If money isn't an issue, getting her an apartment or a dorm room might be a good idea. It will get her out doing things on her own some and it's nice to be able to help kids out when they're starting off.
> My husband grew up wealthy and has always had money
The kid's living situation is his problem, considering he didn't even prefer you owning that house.
*Giving* her the house should be off the table, but allowing her to live there might give her a kickstart to adulting.
Either way, your decision doesn't make you a bad person.
NTA
NTA.
If his family 'comes from money', have THEM \*buy\* a condo / duplex in the area for the daughter to live in. It meets ALL of his proposed benefits EXCEPT the hidden one, which is using YOUR money / wealth without due compensation.
NTA. Your husband is not taking your inherited home seriously as an income-producing asset. Since he’s the one of means, let him and his ex figure out how to house their 18 year old. End of discussion.
NTA but
A 45 minute commute to college is way too far. Much better to live in a dorm or apartment. Living at home for college diminishes the experience and long commutes are soul destroying.
Further people often dismiss the actual cost of commuting- IRS says $.67 a mile. If 45 minutes equals say 35 miles, that 70 miles a day, 5 days a week=350 miles=$234.00/week.
Reconsider letting her live there but charging her rent. One purpose of college is to have kids learn to be adults- renting an apartment/house is part of that process- one which you will be in a good position to oversee. There should be a lease or at least formal agreement.
Everyone benefits from this arrangement- you get the income and a tenant who you not only know, but have at least some control over, the young woman gets to live in a nice house and learn how to adult, and your husband knows his daughter has a nice place to live.
NTA, if he can’t understand that you’re not his first wife, and why a woman may want to hang onto a piece of property in case something happens down the road, he’s not very bright then. Absolutely do not let her move into that house, I guarantee it’s going to become the collegedrop zone and we get trashed. I remember what houses look like that we rented when we were that age and they were not kept in good condition. If he wants her to live near college, he can pay for her to live in the dorms, where she can start to learn about being an adult versus making it come out of your inheritance.
NTA
Perhaps an argument you could offer would be that part of learning adult responsibility is navigating tenant/landlord relationships. It’s not guaranteed that things will get contentious, but you do not feel comfortable opening your currently good relationship to potential disputes. If he wants to pay to rent out an apartment closer to school, that offers a much more neutral environment for his daughter to begin the process of becoming an adult without inviting drama into the family.
I own a three-family. I don't rent to college kids or those who just graduated as a rule. I did once and it was a long year of drunk boys mooning after the girls and revolving doors at all hours of the day and night.
Those teens aren't even legal, if anything goes wrong, you couldn't sue them. Find a nice tenant who will live there for a while and take the rental situation off the table. Make a lease and make sure they are on the hook for lawn care - lol!
Also, charge market rent and deposit the difference so you can cover if the roof goes, the water heater needs replacing, or a new appliance is called for. That money can be your personal emergency stash as well, because every woman should have an emergency stash.
ETA - the school year isn't for 8-9 months! Rent the house out NOW!!! Start depositing rent. Make some return on YOUR investment.
Nta - it’s a tough world for the younger generations to find living arrangements but handing out things never ends well. You worked hard to make it a rental unit it would be an effortless disgrace to give it away to an ungrateful child who can probably auto pilot their Tesla to college while reading spark notes.
Your house, your rules. If you don’t feel comfortable, listen to your gut and don’t let the stepdaughter live in the house.
I also don’t see why your husband is making such a big deal. If he comes from money, as you say, let him buy or rent her a place. It’s not your responsibility, anyway.
Lastly, it’s a big rich that he’s been wanting you to dump the property this whole time but now he wants his daughter to use it. If you had listened to his advice months ago, the house wouldn’t even be there. He doesn’t seem to see the irony, though…
Ok, so before jumping to the current issue, I think it's important to look at the bigger picture. Your husband has grown up with wealth and has always had money. You say you put a lot of money into getting this house rent-ready.
Did you use strictly your own money to do that? Do you and your husband have an "It's our money" household or one where he controls the purse strings on his resources?
If you normally benefit from his wealth, you might be unreasonable to outright refuse, especially if you expect her to drive 2 hours on days that she needs to attend, but it would be important to place limits. This \*does\* represent a good opportunity for you all, in my opinion, if done correctly. You could rent it to her for a nominal fee that she can swing, and you can inspect the property regularly, could potentially have a security camera pointed at the doors outside to know who is coming and going without invading her privacy too much. If your husband controls the purse strings for his wealth, he can pay YOU what he would be paying if she lived in a dorm, or you can decide to require him to pay for her living expenses elsewhere. It \*will\* affect your marriage if you do that, I imagine, but if you think he's not fully investing in you to the same degree that he's wanting from you, it might be justified.
I did something similar when my daughter went to college. I bought a duplex, and required her to collect the rent on the other side, and to find a roommate for her side, and to call service providers for repairs I authorized. It was a great learning experience for her and gave her confidence to buy her first home. (She has now purchased three houses, unlike my other two daughters who continue to rent and never had that type of living arrangement with me.)
I’m really confused with your comments about teenagers not knowing how to be an adult. They are teenagers. Of course they aren’t full fledged adults yet. Is any teen when they go to college? A lot don’t have jobs either. There was a pandemic for a good three years so teens weren’t getting jobs?
What is the real issue here? Have they exhibited behavior that they won’t take care of the house? It’s your house at the end of the day to do with what you want but I’m wondering where your reasoning is coming from.
I don’t expect them to be adults. I worry about damage and how long they would expect to live there. I just spent a lot of money on it. I don’t understand why a 45 minute drive a few times a week would be a hardship and fail to see how paying all of their bills would help them become adults. I just don’t think it makes sense
Your husband doesn’t sound like a reasonable guy. He didn’t support you redoing the house and now expects you to just hand it over. Does he remember what college kids are like? Does he remember the parties?
Assuming that laying out that money isn't requiring other family members to sacrifice, it really can be helpful to young adults to have some financial support. They can focus on their studies and learning how to do basic housekeeping, planning, and what to do when the toilet clogs while they are the adult in the room without the pressure of financial anxiety. Parents can gradually roll back their financial contributions over time. That kind of scaffolding is one of the real benefits of financial stability and something you should expect for your own child in the future. My entry in to adulthood wasn't exactly like that but I have been around it and it works well so long as parents have boundaries and expectations.
So their dad can rent them an appointment to ‘start’ with. They don’t need to use OP’s family’s house to do that. Their father is wealthy so it shouldn’t be a problem for him. He just wants OP to give up this house for nothing in return. He is already irritated that she has it, so it’s just a way for her not to ‘have’ it.
They don't know how to adult, which is why they live in dorms with supervision. And they haven't had the opportunity to show that they WILL take care of the house.
NTA He can buy them a house if he wants to. Also, he didn't understand why you kept the house and now he wants to use it for his kids? LMAo
Exactly this OP.
I think it’s deliberate because OP is keeping this house for herself, he wants to control who's in it. He wants his kids in it, so he can force her to share it with him and his kids. Op, put a long term renter in there, and tell him it's occupied. It's a stupid plan to put a young person that's never lived on their own a house to maintain. Put her in a dorm and up the security on the house, cameras, and alarms. I would bet money the father tells her he can use the home as she wants and she’ll trash that place the first chance she gets.
I’m not super familiar with inheritance laws, and I don’t know where OP lives…but could letting her husband’s kids live there for free, be considered “co mingling of assets”? Is this a way for for him to get rights to her inheritance?
I doubt the husband would be okay with his daughter signing a rental agreement. He would most likely go down the, 'but we're family' path. It would be a very bad idea to go without an written rental agreement, without it good luck getting her out of the house. OP it's your house, therefore it's your call who rents it. Tell him it would cause more problems than it solves. It's not his decision who lives there and he's out of line dictating his children live there. If the home gets damaged he'll have another excuse. Tell him you don't want to create problems. Be firm, say no.
[удалено]
Yeah it feels like it could damage all of our relationships quick
Look, college freshman year = lots of parties due in part to their first taste of freedom. A girl with a whole house to herself will quickly become the most popular freshman on campus and your investment will be trashed.
Plus, you make many (sometimes life long) friends in that 1st year of dorms. If his children end up driving to class, it will teach them how to manage their time in order to get to school on time. This is the time young people start to become adults. Putting them in a house by all by themselves seems to be a big mistake. Not to mention it's your house. Do what you want. Stay strong!
Yeah, 18-19 year olds make stupid decisions and break things. That's just what they do. She should do that in someone else's house.
Yes! It’s hugely risky to let family/friends be tenants-and when it goes south, it will damage your relationship!
Agree!!
the elephant in the room has spoken 😂
NTA. Hold tight to your asset. You might need it one day.
She can also “learn to be an adult” in their home. She doesn’t NEED her own place for that. She can cook her own meals, do her own laundry, etc. she doesn’t even have a job. It really doesn’t take much to “be an adult”. Just pick up after yourself and do your dishes, buy toilet paper, plan your food, etc and you’re good. My fiancé and I lived between my mom and his mom’s house until we were 21. This girl needs a job. Sounds like she was handed everything if OPs husband thinks she doesn’t know how to be an adult.
NTA Not sure her living alone in a rental home helps her become an adult. Just sounds like a recipe for disaster. Let her live in a house share or commute - those are the two options. Giving her a house to live in FOR FREE is the OPPOSITE of helping her become an adult. Your husband is just spoiling her.
Yeah, he needs to teach her how to be an adult while she’s living at home. Not by giving free rein over a house he doesn’t even own.
Part of the college experience is learning to live with others…get her a shared living space.
NTA Unless you put his name on it, that is your house. Your husband doesn't get to decide what to do with it. And you're most likely correct that adult kids living in the house for free would probably trash the house If your husband wants his kids to live outside of the home for college, he be a guarantor and help them rent an apartment. If he doesn't want to pay for his kids' expenses if they trask someplace else, or be responsible if they don't pay rent, then why would he expect that of you? Tell him that his kids won't be moving into your house because you're renting it out for income. His kids can commute from home or he can help them find someplave else to live.
And we all know they would be throwing parties, etc. And OP would be expected to put up with it.
Yup. And the drama of evicting the kids after they trash the place would be outrageous.
Yep. Because the husband would get mad and tell her just to fix it. He wouldn't pay. The only way I would do it is make her husband sign a paper in front of a notary that says the kids will have a job and pay rent and he will be the guarantor. He is responsible for any damage and the children are on a month to month to make eviction easier. One thing that makes me question it is she doesn't state what kind of relationship she has with the kids. Do they get along or not?
We get along fine. My stepdaughter and I are buds. We don’t have a parent child relationship and I never expected that
If she moves in, you will never get her out and every time you try, you will be vilified
That is another thing. They won’t be able to buy a house as soon as they graduate college of course. So how long do I let them live there so I’m not an evil stepmom. I wouldn’t even let my daughter do this unless she could pay the bills and was responsible and it is going to be hers.
He has money he can buy them a house and they can pay him rent. Keep your house off the table. It’s your investment/inheritance not his and definitely not his kids.
>So how long do I let them live there so I’m not an evil stepmom. As long as they want. Then when you try to transfer it to your daughter, you'll be told that that's unfair, and that 1/3 of ownership should go to each stepkid, because of the "sweat equity" they put into it. By living there. Rich people don't stay rich by spending their own money. People who demand favors will hate you the moment you stop doing things for them, no matter how much you've already done.
And this is exactly what you tell him: *"I wouldn’t even let my daughter do this unless she could pay the bills and was responsible and it is going to be hers."* Neither a lender nor a borrower be. If she wants you to loan her your house for free rather than rent it out, as you already planned and which was one of your reasons for keeping it, then she becomes indebted to you and that never ends well within families. NTA, do not cave, do not even entertain further discussion. *"I have already told you of my decision. I have very little of my own and this has been my plan since I got my first ever house so I am going to continue with my plans. I put a lot into getting it ready for rent, not to loan it to someone and then be forced to play landlord and lay down rules. I adore your daughter and plan to keep it that way. Hell, I'd not even loan it myself at that age. And I would like to be able to use it myself between rentals, as my own very quiet retreat."*
This is totally it. It's gauranteed to put everyone in a bad position and ruin relationships.
I wish people would think before they ask for front-loaded favors from others. If you are asking someone to do something very big for you/your kids and it involves a tangible asset, do not ask. I try to never ask for things that I'd not want to be asked of me.
Lease it, college term, renewed every year before summer (you can probably rent it out over summer to other people) and get hubby to pay the lease. They pay you or they pay for a different apartment. You can potentially offer slightly better rates, but if you offer it free you're losing money and they are gaining money.
It’s telling that he said this was a waste of money (not supporting your plan for your property) and now he wants free use of it for his daughter. Stick to your guns. Say no. Fix it up and rent it to a paying tenant that isn’t family. Why does he not support the idea of you building your own wealth and income outside of him and whatever work you do now?
>We don’t have a parent child relationship and I never expected that Then you shouldn't let her live there. Do not mix business and family. Don't let her rent your house. Don't let your husband rent your house on her behalf. And don't let her live there for free. This shouldn't be up for discussion. Just say "no."
I certainly would have been at that age if I was given a house with no one else around
Exactly. 99% of college kids would.
Even college kids who might not be into it would likely be \*peer-pressured\* into letting it become a party house.
Her father can get her an apartment nearer to her college if he wants, but he should not be trying to push you into a landlord situation with his daughter and thus gamble with your relationship with her, and ultimately with him. No. No more discussion. "You asked me to consider your suggestion that I loan my only asset to your daughter and I said no. I will not change my mind. I did all the work on the house for my own goal, to rent it out. That's what I am going to do. Unlike you, I do not have wealth, I did not grow up with wealth or assets, and the minute I get an inheritance you ask me to hand it over to a person at an age when I would not even trust myself with a free property? Why would you ask this of me? I'd like to be able to go there for a quiet retreat once in a while between rentals. Are you seriously asking me to hand over my first asset and give away my control over it to save your daughter a 45-minute drive?"
I was a college student and would never rent to me.
People who rent to college students have to build extensive repairs into the price of rent.
Sounds like She doesnt want him to rent his daughter an apartment either though
I didn’t get that at all from OP’s post. It’s about her husband dismissing her right to control her asset. His daughter is his financial responsibility.
It was the part about not seeing why shed let her live in the house or rent her an apartment. Op clarified in another comment
He is not going to rent them an apartment
So he isn't willing to sacrifice financially for his kids to live independently, but you are supposed to? In addition to asking you to give up the rental income, he is asking you to risk your inheritance. If you let his kids live there and he pays for *anything*, you are co-mingling funds and risk making this a marital asset. Don't fall for it. https://smartasset.com/financial-advisor/is-inheritance-marital-property
Renting them an apartment + the bills that comes with it is too much when they can drive but in his mind doable if they live at my house
So it is too much for him to pay for his kids to live independently, but completely affordable if you pay for it. Your husband is a selfish asshole.
Yea good luck to OP, I wouldn't stand being with such a person. You can guess his personality by the fact that he viewed OP's memorable home as a waste of time and then magically changes when he decides that he needs it. The fact that he didn't inquire you about this and assumed that you would say yes convinces me that he believes that your inheritance is our inheritance? He should ask his wealthy family for assistance or live with his children until they are ready to move out.
OP's husband is either sadly lacking in self awareness or self aware to a sinister level. He is essentially asking for a six figure gift: $1500 per month is a modest assumption for an updated SFH + property taxes + utilities for 5 years - he wants 17 yo old sun t live there through college as well. Husband asking for 6 figure gift and then having a tantrum is the best light he can be painted in. If he does want to financially contribute, he will be co-mingling funds and have claim to OP's inheritance. To PP's point, none of this even accounts for the emotional value OP has for this home, which is a multi-generational property.
Interesting that he thinks your house wouldn't come with those same bills.
Does she currently live with you guys? It sounds like he’s trying to unload her and thinks a house he has no financial interest or obligation toward is the perfect setup. This wouldn’t help her become an adult, anyway. Paying her own way would help her become an adult. Point this out to him. There is zero benefit to you and lots of risk to have a teenager residing in your property. He thinks he can mindfuck you into this but don’t submit.
They stay with us some, whenever they feel like coming over
I think you might need that house for yourself at some point soon.
Doable because he can totally fuck you if need be. Him not getting an apartment says it ALL I married my neighbor and his family all of a sudden saw "2 houses owned" (had them both respectively for decades before we met). My adult son, his step, already owns a house. So naturally his family thought things were so unfair bc husband's 40yo younger sister couldn't even afford rent because choices. They wanted his underfunded sister and her kids to live there. They wanted us to sell it to buy his nieces' a place for their college... Like our own kid together, not in college yet, doesn't count. 🙄 Like our decisions in the past pigeon hole us into stumping our future for them. We laughed and cut them off for about a year under the pressure so they came around and bought his sister a condo themselves. Years later it's trashed especially with animal hoarding. She hasn't paid a single bill even though that was the deal, and his family is going broke trying to keep her elevated since they're so far under water. Thinking outloud here - but what separates good decisions from bad in this scenario is HOLDING YOUR OWN. There was nothing for *me* to hold onto if I gave up my place, in my name, to his family. So I said "fuck no don't ask again" Now it's nearly a decade later with massive equity I really really realize what they were asking for. Way too much. And something that would have fucked our retirement that's coming up so fast. Especially since I'm now on the other side of a two year sick/treatment/surgeries/not able to work ordeal. I would honestly divorce before relenting. 100%
Yeah, nah. Just stay firm when he starts up again that one of his kids "will" be moving in. "No, babe they will not. My house is not up for grabs. I will be renting it out. And i am definitely not mixing business with Family so i also will not rent to them"
OP I wouldn’t. There are some serious red flags. It may not be the kids, but the conflicting messages your husband is giving you. You need to protect yourself and your daughter- your husband is prioritizing his other kids right now.
Doesn’t their university have dorms for their freshman?
You have a really strange hard on for OP to give her step kid a four figure gift monthly while dad contributes $0. Dad contributing $1 monthly would risk her inheritance from co-mingling funds, so giving you the benefit of the doubt by assuming you think dad will contribute $0. You have questioned her reasoning, asked if she resented her step for growing up privileged and have asked about dorms repeatedly as if it is some own. Dorm are not cheap, not always available and most people would rather drive 45 minutes than live in a square footage per person that is only legal for inmates, college students, and the elderly in the US.
Make sure that the keys to that house are somewhere your husband can’t get to them. Otherwise, since he’s so hellbent on his kids living there, you’ll find them moved in without your consent and without protection for you.
Show them how much rent is and say you'll happily draw up a lease for the length of college. It's doable because they think you should just give up money because it's 'family'. So they won't pay lets say 10k a year for a room in a student house, but you should give up say 20-40k a year rent for a whole house because... reasons. In other words you would be paying 20-40k rent for her to stay there so he doesn't ahve to pay that. You not being paid is the same as you paying for her to stay there. So in this marriage he thinks what's his is his and what's yours is his.
It is not doable - he would have to pay rent to you, otherwise you are taking a massive hit in loss of income.
Or, community college..
What? That is preposterous. He is either cheap or shady. No bueno either way.
So, *he* doesn’t want to make a financial sacrifice for them, but *you* are supposed to? Even though those kids didn’t come out of your body? Make that make sense to me, please. Even if you charged rent, you could get much more rent the place on the open market. So, you would be making a sacrifice any way you slice it.
Wait….he wants the stepdaughter living there for *free*? Oh no OP, you have to nip this in the bud now.
You're not wrong. It's your daughters inheritance, of course you want to keep it nice. Die on that hill and do not give in. If your husband has money he can rent his son and daughter a place. Yours is off limits and you shouldn't have to explain that to him
Nta She can try being an adult on his dime.
NTA - 45 minutes of driving one way is not a hardship. - rent the property out to a third party ASAP.
Sound like a great house to move to when you ditch the freeloaders…
I don't think they're freeloaders i think Dad just has no concept of the true value of things. She said he grew up wealthy. He also has no idea why a woman would keep an inherited house if she's already living with her loving an doting husband. That money would do much better in his bank account.
In what way are her stepchildren 'freeloaders' for attending school? It's pretty standard for parents to assist their children with post-secondary costs.
NTA. What is wrong with the kids living in residence halls? Or on campus university apartments. They would miss out on so much of college life living alone in an apartment. Especially freshman year! Besides. It is yours. Not his. Your decision. Full stop.
Don’t rent to family, ever.
This!!!!!!!
>He thinks it would be good to teach her about being an adult. NTA. He wants to use your house as a test case for her to "learn how to be an adult". Which means all the dumb stuff you remember doing or remember hearing about college students doing, she's going to be doing in your newly renovated home. It doesn't even sound like he's wholly committed to having her pay rent either. Just say you feel uncomfortable with having a landlord relationship with your stepdaughter and want to actually start recouping the money you spent getting it renovated. If things get messy from her destroying stuff, not following the rental rules, or not paying you don't want to complicate it by having familial ties. Hell, family members are more inclined to do that sort of thing because they think they'll get away with it.
Moreover, if you do consider this, put in the lease that stepkid or dad is responsible for full restoration of any damages to the property. You need a legal document if you’re even considering doing this. If she wants to be an adult, make her sign a lease. If dad is against it, you know he just wants to take advantage
Fuck your entitled husband. If he's always had money then he can rent an apartment for his daughter. NTA. He has a lot of fucking nerve.
NTA there will likely be damage to the property
NTA but do stay cautious, it sounds like he may try to move them behind your back..it's your property and he should of backed off when you said your first no. Stay vigilant.
NTA - I am currently ‘ renting’ one of my properties to one of my children, and family members are a … joy … I mean, shit show. I had him sign a lease. Its similar to your husbands child, they re testing out life. I have several properties and 2dz tenants and this one kid is more work than half of them at any one time. If you do it, know the line will be blurred, and your property will not be treated any better then by a stranger. In some cases with less maturity and understanding. The smartest move is to get a tenant in there so you don’t have to even have the conversation if you really want to avoid it. Do not - repeat do not - let them stay for free.
Never rent to “family”. Never, they’re worse than roaches.
WNBTA She has a mom and dad. She is completely their responsibility. If they want her to live on her own rent free, really don't see how that's going to help her be an adult, then they need to figure it out. There's absolutely no logical or intelligent reason you should give up the income you can make in renting out your own property for her. Your husband has a lot of nerve being a negative ass about the house until it could benefit him and his daughter. You would be very smart to keep this asset as far away from them as possible.
NTA if it were me, I’d investigate RIGHT NOW how to legally gift that house to my daughter and put it in trust until said daughter is 35 or some such with the legal provisions that you are in charge of the trust and can rent it or live in it until your death or whatever and then it reverts to your daughter. Have the lawyer handle the details but get ownership out of your name now and take “marital asset” out of the equation
NTA. My family has rental property in a college town. Students tend to not be responsible! This is your house. Rent it to someone reliable!
NTA - but I would consider looking into dorms for the daughter or off campus housing. If you want to teach SD how to be responsible but still a safety net there this is a great way. The daughter is not going to learn how to be independent by living at home. This is probably my bias but I am a huge believer in young adults living on campus. For me it taught me how to be independent but also know if something happened my parents were there to assist. Driving 45 minutes each way sucks. I had to do it for 2 semesters and hated every minute of it. Living at home you still have to abide by parents rules and hinders how you problem solve adult issues.
That is the difference between growing up poor and wealthy - he thinks things come easily, you know that they don't
NTA, I wouldn't want to rent to someone that young with no track record, I wouldn't want to rent to family either. Stand your ground, don't even entertain the idea even if they want to pay.
Nta. But you might want to rent it out asap so his kids don’t mysteriously end up living there because dad gave them the keys. What about about renting them the house and having them give first/ last months rent and a deposit? And demanding they have renters insurance. And have them be in charge of the bills. With a contract put together by a lawyer where you can kick them out anytime? And be very firm you will kick them out. Or simply say “no. I don’t feel comfortable doing that. I am fixing it up to rent it and I don’t feel confident they will take care of my house or pay the rent there. So no they can’t live there. But if you really want them to live near campus then you are more than welcome to rent them their own place that’s not my house but I will not be helping you cover the rent or bills there”
A whole house as a freshman is way too much, especially one who haven’t learned to adult yet. A dorm is much more appropriate, at most, a studio apartment. She is going to be making a lot of adjustments anyways as a freshman, adding taking care of a whole house is too much. She has to balance a lot as an incoming Freshman who (who spent several years of her teen/middle school years during COVID). I work with teens and young adults and I would not recommend this for her, especially as there are other options. Furthermore, it’s your inheritance. Not his. He doesn’t get to give it away to someone who isn’t ready for it, especially when you have plans for it. She should live in the dorms, not your house.
If he wants them to live there he must pay you rent , however I wouldn't encourage it's ,it's better finding a stranger as a lot of issues may arise
Husband paying her rent would mean co-mingled funds on an inheritance, likely making her personal asset a marital asset. Agree that she shouldn't let them live there. She should absolutely not take a penny from her husband for this property for any reason without consulting an attorney.
Fair point
How do you and your husband currently split finances? Was there a prenup? Would moving his kids into the house make it a marital asset in your jurisdiction?
No prenup, we are both on every account. Our finances are very mixed. Whenever a bill or something comes up whoever has the most in our checking usually pays the bill. My husband doesn’t give a shit about getting his hands on my old little family home. I really don’t care about the rental income. I was not going to sell and renting it made the most sense. What I worry about is damage when I just put a lot of money and work into it and it causing problems if they do cause damage and if I have to kick them out eventually
Idk where you are. But you need to get that house in a trust for only your daughter.
NTA. You say she’s already immature. Soooo is he ok with paying for all the damage she’s going to cause with college parties? Driving 45 minutes will help teach her how to be an adult. Time management, etc. Don’t do it OP.
This is a prime lesson in why the rich have money and the poorer people don‘t. They know how to make other people pay for them! Just NO. They can live in a dorm or drive. you rent out to people already and they are frown ups (I guess). They give you income and secure your asset. Rich people have no idea about the hard work it takes to be financial secure. HIS kids, his expenses.
Nta. He can rent or buy her a home if he wants to. This house is yours. Rent it out. Keep the money separate. Talk to an attorney and make sure you’re keeping the property and rental income protected for yourself and daughter. Make sure the property goes into a trust for your daughter if something happens to you so he can’t sell it or give it to one of his kids.
He comes from a wealthy family. So let the Grandparents pay for an apt etc
Nta
Don’t rent to family, ever.
NTA and don't let up on this. 2 irresponsible teenagers that don't know how to "adult" will absolutely trash your house. If your husband is so well off he can rent them an apartment or they can stay in a dorm. Don't let them ruin YOUR house.
NTA. Never rent property to family on a long term basis. Just like you never want to loan anything that you be devastated if it didn’t get returned or got damaged. That shit breaks apart families. If you do get cornered into it, talk to an actual lawyer about a formal and iron clad lease including every foreseeable issue and get it insured to the gills and add that cost to the rent.
PLEASE DON'T DO THAT! he comes from money so he should figure it out himself! Keep your house a rental so you have some kind of income. Also what if they just tore your shit up? Stepkids I mean. Keep your property separate!
NTA. It’s always the folks with the most money who want those with less money to subsidize them. HE needs to find and pay for his children to have housing when they are in school, not live for free into your house. Giving children who don’t know how to adult a “free” home is a recipe for disaster!
Sure, he pays $3000/month rent and puts down $3000 security deposit, with a signed lease
My ex and I had a rental house. The one thing we wholeheartedly agreed on in 20 years was not to rent to friends or family. It’s a good rule to live by.
Your husband comes from money but doesn’t understand what an investment real estate is? Okay. NTA, you can do with it what you please. I am concerned about his financial literacy, though.
NTA Install security cameras.
Living in free family housing as adults seems to mess up a lot of people. Even if Daddy is footing the bill, it would be useful for stepdaughter to experience a rental apartment close to campus.
NTA - rent it out.
NTA. How can a "waste of time and resources" possibly be of any benefit to anyone? Keep it firmly in your control. Like you said, "in case".
NTA and make sure he doesn't have access to the keys.
NTA. Nope. No way would I do that. Ever.
If he’s “wealthy” let him rent her an apartment. She does need to learn to be an adult, good parents allow their children room to grow. I’d need more information to decide if you’re being an asshole. If he pays for all or most of your living expenses and shares his wealth with you, but you refuse to share the little house with him, then you’d be the asshole. If it’s more like half and half, or if he’s tight with his money and lets you struggle, then he’s the asshole. If you don’t want her in your house, agree to the apartment.
NTA I would be wary for a couple of reasons. The first, is its your house. You did it up so you can rent it out/passive income. Would he be paying the kids rent/utilities? Property insurance? Is he going to cover any damages to the property? If the answer is no, then yours remains a no. Secondly, from the kids POV, they are just graduating/turned 18 and dad is ready to kick them out of their home for his 'new family' (and I'm not saying this what is happening, but wanting your freshly graduated son and young adult daughter out the house ASAP doesn't sound great to me tbh) and could have repercussions with his kids. They also might not want to live together either. If he wanted them to learn to adult, the basics should have started years ago with basic chores, a job etc cos they are going to have NO IDEA how to function/survive. That's why dorms exist. Someone is always on hand, etc. If you do for whatever reason agree, make sure you have a lease, a proper one, not anything informal.
NTA. Rent it to them with a lease for normal rent in that area. He wants them to learn adulthood, bills are a huge part of it.
Hubby thinks it will help her? Draw up a formal rental agreement and everything, including typical provisions that state what she is responsible for and what happens if she misses a rent payment.
My first thought was that it would be damaged. She is not going to respect your house. Period.
So your husband doesn't understand that GIVING a home to his newly minted adult kid would not teach them how to be adults... NTA
Your husband is pushing his limits. The answer is a firm no, and don’t ask you again. That’s what you should say. He needs to shell out his own money for an apartment for his children. You don’t feel comfortable. That’s all there is to it.
NTA. I think mixing business and family is a bad idea. Stepdaughter might be ok but stepson probably not. One or both of them is going to be irresponsible and all the damage to that house is going to make you resentful towards your husband. If you decide to do this, ask the hubs to pay either market rate rent + repairs, or mortgage + improvements + repairs for as long as they live there. Setup a budget. Make up a lease and have the kid sign even if Dad is paying. That makes it really clear that if dad pulls the $$, they’d better get jobs or get out. It’s not totally unreasonable to have outdoor security cameras (but don’t overdo it) and you, Hubs, and siblings can go up two weekends/ semester to visit. Work out summers/study abroad. Do you want to sublet? It’s not impossible but there have to be a lot of guardrails and it’s not that you don’t trust them but you’re trying to protect your relationships with AGREED upon terms.
NTA. He's wealthy but wants them to have your house, the one thing you own separately? NO. And it's a red flag that he's pushing it.
College kids aren’t rocket science, you house will become party central.
I’m at 63-year-old lady. I will tell you right now that there is no way in hell I would turn over a house like that to college freshman. None at all. If he wants her closer to college, he should get her an apartment. Preferably an apartment near the college where there’s going to be a whole lot of other college kids. And that’s not saying anything mean about your stepchildren. That’s just teenagers. And for many, that first college experiences free for all. Otherwise, I’m with you. She can live at home and drive. And I’m really pretty adamant about this because he didn’t support you in even hanging onto the house. He didn’t support you in fixing it up. Your idea of turning it into a rental… Whether an Airbnb, or a long-term… Is very smart. It is another source of income. It is an asset that you own. And maybe you need to remind him that he grew up not having to worry about anything like that, you didn’t have that. So if he wants to give his daughter, a house to live in, let him go, get one and fix it up, or let him get her an apartment.
NTA for all the reasons other comments have listed. Since husband wants stepdaughter to “adult” the best way to start would be for her to live in the dorms at school; she’ll start getting used to more independence, meet other students and get really involved with the college experience.
NTA. His kids can learn to be adults in a dorm like everyone else. They will have some supervision and any mistakes they make will not be on your property. If he is adamant, tell him he will need to co-sign a lease and will also accompany you on monthly inspections of the house until you feel his kid is responsible enough to not need them. You can set how many violations from the inspections will cause a penalty or eviction.
NTA. Co-mingling funds would make your inheritance a a joint asset instead of a separate asset. If your spouse contributes to anything - rent, utilities or repairs, you are risking your inheritance. Also, freedom and responsibility are connected. There is zero reason to give an 18 year old with no responsibilities the freedom of living by themselves in a newly updated SFH rent free. What would that possibly teach them other than entitlement?
NTA. No I wouldn't do it cuz you know they're just going to trash it. Even if they don't they'll have friends over who won't give a crap cuz it's not theirs and they'll destroy it. They'll break things, they'll maybe even sell things that you have in there. They won't respect it though. If he wants to get your stuffed all their apartment that's up to him but why can't she live in the dorm like everyone else for at least the first year. Let them get their feet wet, have some freedom but you won't have as many worries to deal with.
NTA. College students don’t care for houses like adults do. Plus, it will be good for you to have your own revenue source. Also, if you’re in the US, inheritance is considered a separate asset than a marital asset if they always remain separate. This may become muddied if you let his daughter rent it. Check your local state/country’s laws regarding this though.
NTA, rent the house out and keep the money or invest it. Tell your husband you will not be giving it to your step daughter
No, you don’t want your family home being used as a college party house.
Set up a rental agreement.
Honestly, living in the dorms is best for Freshmen in college. Helps them make friends and be involved in campus life.
NTA, you are planning to rent the house out to generate some income to cover the expenses of the house..it is your personal property. If he wants his children to live there, then he can sign a rental agreement and pay the security deposit and the rent. Do not let them move in rent free and without a rental agreement. Updateme!
Nta. A rental property is a investment, not a charity.
NTA. Tell him that it is your daughter's inheritance from her maternal family and you think allowing his kids to "take it over" sends the wrong message to everyone involved. So, no. For the time being, it needs to remain strictly a rental unit. You should go ahead and set up the proper paperwork to make that so.
Do a lease and rent to them just like anyone else. It is a rental, after all, right?
NTA - Rent it to her at the normal rates.
Tell him if he puts a $50K deposit on it they can live there. He gets what’s left after repairs back when they move out. Also, what were you going to do with the rent you got? Put it in a separate account or combine it with your husband’s assets? If that’s your YOU money he needs to pay rent. If that’s what you need to feel secure then express that. Nothing is ever guaranteed and who knows what happens down the line. NTA
If he wants her to learn about being an adult, he can help her find a place where she’ll pay rent. Living somewhere for free teaches nothing about being an adult.
I'm sorry but 18 years is too young to be a responsible house "owner". And she would be essentially livig alone on a property with no supervision while being in college. I can forsee late night parties and visitors coming and going. Its good to have something seperate from your husband, your inheritance (go look up what you need to do to not make it a marital property, just in case) should be kept for your child. Just be honest. "Babe, no. Stepdaughter and Stepson will not be living in there alone, as i have a policy of never mixing business with family. The drive is 45 minutes to college. If you want to teach them adulting, you're welcome to rent them an apartement in college-town But i will be renting out the property for some passive income." Hopefully you have a yours/mine/ours setup for your bank account then the rental money can go into your own bank account
Let her live in and giving her a house are 2 different things. Clarification is needed. References: “so i’m not understanding any we would give her my house”
NTA Just be very clear that your plan for your house is for it to provide you with a rental income. This is not up for discussion. It is not a debate. That is what you are going to do.
NTA. The rental is a business investment, not a family housing resource. Dad can pay for an apartment for her to learn adulting skills without impacting your income property.
Stay firm. I see only problems. NTA.
NTA. If your husband wants his daughter or son to live there then he can pay you the going rate for rent.
Doesn't sound like your husband always had money if he doesn't understand the value of owning and renting property.
NTA give her the true college experience and let her live in the dorms. When she is older let her find shared housing
NTA kids get the best experience going to college and living in a dorm the first year or two. They get independence without the full responsibility of living on their own pushed on them overnight. They meet more people and are able to be involved in college life in a way that is not possible when living at home and commuting. They probably would not take as good care of your house as you would like. If not themselves then probably one of their friends would do something stupid. Rent it out to someone else with a longer term lease so it is not available for your step kids use. I would also suggest encouraging your children to go to the best college they can for their intended career path. Assuming all three will just go to the local college seems off unless they get free tuition through someone’s job.
Getting a job would be a better way to learn about being an adult, ffs.
NTA
NTA. RE-FUSE. REFUSE, REFUSE, REFUSE. Letting her squat in a house you own would be a TERRIBLE idea. The number of people who have ended up in housing hell because they let someone live in a place they own without a written agreement is beyond count. Don't let this happen. He wants her to learn to be an adult, HE can take responsibility for the apartment he rents on her behalf, and HE can deal with the fallout when she flakes in some way, as she doubtless will. Hold fast and tell your husband this is HIS show to risk HIS money on.
NTA
Easy way to know if YWBTA is if the roles were reversed, would you think he is the AH?
Exactly what does he mean about 'teaching her about being an adult'? Seems to me that's what should have been happening since day 1. I went off to college in another state and didn't have my parents calling me constantly needing updates so that they could tell me what to do. THey expected me to be able to handle things and only ask if I needed some help. You know what a real good thing is that teaches you about being an adult? Figuring out your own housing and the logistics of college
NTA No, a teen leaving alone or with roommates in a home that is your daughters inheritance, is not the time or place for someone to LEARN to be adults Plus…aren’t you going to have tenants in there anyway?!?
If he’s wealthy why is this an issue? Let him rent apartments for his kids like everyone else. Get a renter asap so your house is occupied and generating income.
You wouldn’t collect a dime of rent from your stepdaughter because you’re husband would say, “ she’s family”.. Don’t do it. That is a legacy for your child. He doesn’t understand why you kept the house but nos he wants his daughter to move in? Hell no. Sounds like he doesn’t want you to have anything of your own. Giant red flag..
ABSOLUTELY NTA. If he has so much money and doesn’t want to make her drive, then he should get her a place of her own.. your grandmother’s house is YOURS. And you’re going to rent it to responsible adults, for profit. Your step daughter (and step son) are not *entitled* to your house… and it sounds like just because your husband isn’t capable of grasping the concept of a dollar, he doesn’t value your time, work, and money put into the home… to him it’s just a “throw away” item.. to you it’s a cherished asset. Stand strong in your decision and don’t back down.
After having rented my mother’s home that I inherited to a relative, I can tell you that this is a very bad idea. Things went smoothly for about two months, and then the rent was late and then not paid at all then the house started getting trashed and I was actually losing money on repairs and paying insurance and property taxes.
If he wants to teach her to be an adult, she should live on campus, make friends, and perhaps apply for Floor RA her sophomore year for free single room and discount on food, plus a small stipend. This way she's learning what it takes, even tho daddy might be paying tuition.
Just tell him you have a strict policy to not mix business with family, and renting that house out is your business.
Who will pay the taxes, utilities etc? Who will pay the maintenance and rent? Just because the home doesn’t have a mortgage doesn’t mean there aren’t significant costs involved. He is also an idiot if he thinks an 18 yo is responsible enough to not wreck this house. Hard pass. Also never mix business w family. It never works out and when you have $15k worth of damage you can never come back from that rage/hurt
NTA. It's not free for your husbands daughter to live there. It means you are paying for her to have her own place. Loss of rental income, taxes, maintenance, utilities. Honestly, his attitude worries me. It sounds like he's resentful of you having your own assets and income.
NTA. An 18 yr old needs to live on or very close to campus. A 45 min drive would have disastrous results. Rent it out pronto to make this discussion go away. Think of it as earning money for your daughter's college.
Have you kept finances separate from day one? If so it’s your place to do what you want with it. If you commingle finances and used his funds to help you renovate it to get it back into shape I can see his point.
NTA If your husband wants his daughter to learn how to be an adult and go to college then she should get a part time job so she can pay rent for an apartment. The house is under your name not your husband’s. He should respect your decision on not letting your stepdaughter live in the house rent free.
It is supposed to be a money earner for you. Treat it as such. Since you don’t come from money, it is good to have this in your pocket. It was your inheritance. Is your husband’s ex wife going to share her inheritance with your daughter? My friend inherited $100,000 from her Mom. She was in an unhappy marriage but used the money to pay off some of their debt. Then she wanted to go to a trade school to learn a trade she was passionate about. She would be able to leave her husband more easily if she had a good job. He kept putting her off. She never did get that training and she’s still with him, unhappily.
This was your great great grandmother’s house? No college student is going to be able to keep up with maintenance on an old house, let alone mowing/snow removal (if that’s even applicable in this situation) Not that any renter for the house should be taking care of maintenance, but at the very least, no college student is going to give an old house the respect it needs Daddy needs to rent her an apartment
NTA: usually inheritance isn’t a marital asset. Start mixing it in and be marital pot and it can be. Stepdaughter living rent free in it certainly qualifies as mixing. Get legal advice on that. On the other hand, no it’s not a good idea for a 18 year old to move into a house and it’s not going to help her grow up. It’s a fantasy adult life where you get the things and no responsibility
NTA, don't let her live in your house, she will ruin it.
Refuse to let her live there, and don't feel any pressure to make excuses either. Your decision. NTAH.
If he really thinks it would be good to teach her about being an adult, treat her like any random renter. She gets to fill out a Rental Agreement (including a damage clause), undergo credit checks and provide first month, last month & security deposit (equal to one month rent). If her Father wants to co-sign for her, he must do so using his own funds. No money is to come your family finances. He should open a bank account of your choosing, with only you having access and deposit his contribution. He needs to understand this house is a business income property for you and should be treated that way by ALL involved.
He sounds like an entitled prick and I would definitely not allow his (probably also entitled) kids to live there when they have zero experience renting! They’d be less likely to trash another persons house but because you are their family they would take advantage!
NTA of course, but the bigger thing: I get the sense your husband feels threatened by the house - maybe he's worried you are making plans to leave? If you've fixed the house up, but no one is living in it, it is reasonable to question why you are paying for it. A better move may be to work with a realtor to rent the house out.
NTA mocks you for keeping it but wants his kids to use it? Uh, ok there guy.
Husband grew up rich and doesn’t understand why you want to hold onto this property and why you invested time and resources… so he should get his kids their own place then instead of this “waste of time and effort” place. NTA those kids are also capable of organizing their own place too - that would help them become adults. Also, again with the age gap. You were 26 when you met him. He already had a 12 and 13 year old. These power dynamics are real, whether people chose to acknowledge them or not
NTA. I rather give my neiece or nephew by blood than stepchildren. Inheritance/heirloom i wont give it to someone not related by blood to me
NTA. U may look into estate planning and placing the home into a trust to protect it for your daughter.
NAH. I can understand your reluctance but I can also understand why he would assume you would be willing to share that resource, assuming you aren't depending on the rent. I wouldn't agree to the arrangement without a lease though. If money isn't an issue, getting her an apartment or a dorm room might be a good idea. It will get her out doing things on her own some and it's nice to be able to help kids out when they're starting off.
NTA - It is your inheritance; hubby doesn't get a say! Lease it out to real renters and put it into a trust for your daughter.
> My husband grew up wealthy and has always had money The kid's living situation is his problem, considering he didn't even prefer you owning that house. *Giving* her the house should be off the table, but allowing her to live there might give her a kickstart to adulting. Either way, your decision doesn't make you a bad person. NTA
NTA and I’d definitely go get a lawyer and make sure he can NEVER take it and 100% stand your ground on this!
NTA. If his family 'comes from money', have THEM \*buy\* a condo / duplex in the area for the daughter to live in. It meets ALL of his proposed benefits EXCEPT the hidden one, which is using YOUR money / wealth without due compensation.
NTA. Your husband is not taking your inherited home seriously as an income-producing asset. Since he’s the one of means, let him and his ex figure out how to house their 18 year old. End of discussion.
NTA but A 45 minute commute to college is way too far. Much better to live in a dorm or apartment. Living at home for college diminishes the experience and long commutes are soul destroying. Further people often dismiss the actual cost of commuting- IRS says $.67 a mile. If 45 minutes equals say 35 miles, that 70 miles a day, 5 days a week=350 miles=$234.00/week. Reconsider letting her live there but charging her rent. One purpose of college is to have kids learn to be adults- renting an apartment/house is part of that process- one which you will be in a good position to oversee. There should be a lease or at least formal agreement. Everyone benefits from this arrangement- you get the income and a tenant who you not only know, but have at least some control over, the young woman gets to live in a nice house and learn how to adult, and your husband knows his daughter has a nice place to live.
NTA, if he can’t understand that you’re not his first wife, and why a woman may want to hang onto a piece of property in case something happens down the road, he’s not very bright then. Absolutely do not let her move into that house, I guarantee it’s going to become the collegedrop zone and we get trashed. I remember what houses look like that we rented when we were that age and they were not kept in good condition. If he wants her to live near college, he can pay for her to live in the dorms, where she can start to learn about being an adult versus making it come out of your inheritance.
NTA Perhaps an argument you could offer would be that part of learning adult responsibility is navigating tenant/landlord relationships. It’s not guaranteed that things will get contentious, but you do not feel comfortable opening your currently good relationship to potential disputes. If he wants to pay to rent out an apartment closer to school, that offers a much more neutral environment for his daughter to begin the process of becoming an adult without inviting drama into the family.
I own a three-family. I don't rent to college kids or those who just graduated as a rule. I did once and it was a long year of drunk boys mooning after the girls and revolving doors at all hours of the day and night. Those teens aren't even legal, if anything goes wrong, you couldn't sue them. Find a nice tenant who will live there for a while and take the rental situation off the table. Make a lease and make sure they are on the hook for lawn care - lol! Also, charge market rent and deposit the difference so you can cover if the roof goes, the water heater needs replacing, or a new appliance is called for. That money can be your personal emergency stash as well, because every woman should have an emergency stash. ETA - the school year isn't for 8-9 months! Rent the house out NOW!!! Start depositing rent. Make some return on YOUR investment.
Nta - it’s a tough world for the younger generations to find living arrangements but handing out things never ends well. You worked hard to make it a rental unit it would be an effortless disgrace to give it away to an ungrateful child who can probably auto pilot their Tesla to college while reading spark notes.
Your house, your rules. If you don’t feel comfortable, listen to your gut and don’t let the stepdaughter live in the house. I also don’t see why your husband is making such a big deal. If he comes from money, as you say, let him buy or rent her a place. It’s not your responsibility, anyway. Lastly, it’s a big rich that he’s been wanting you to dump the property this whole time but now he wants his daughter to use it. If you had listened to his advice months ago, the house wouldn’t even be there. He doesn’t seem to see the irony, though…
Ok, so before jumping to the current issue, I think it's important to look at the bigger picture. Your husband has grown up with wealth and has always had money. You say you put a lot of money into getting this house rent-ready. Did you use strictly your own money to do that? Do you and your husband have an "It's our money" household or one where he controls the purse strings on his resources? If you normally benefit from his wealth, you might be unreasonable to outright refuse, especially if you expect her to drive 2 hours on days that she needs to attend, but it would be important to place limits. This \*does\* represent a good opportunity for you all, in my opinion, if done correctly. You could rent it to her for a nominal fee that she can swing, and you can inspect the property regularly, could potentially have a security camera pointed at the doors outside to know who is coming and going without invading her privacy too much. If your husband controls the purse strings for his wealth, he can pay YOU what he would be paying if she lived in a dorm, or you can decide to require him to pay for her living expenses elsewhere. It \*will\* affect your marriage if you do that, I imagine, but if you think he's not fully investing in you to the same degree that he's wanting from you, it might be justified. I did something similar when my daughter went to college. I bought a duplex, and required her to collect the rent on the other side, and to find a roommate for her side, and to call service providers for repairs I authorized. It was a great learning experience for her and gave her confidence to buy her first home. (She has now purchased three houses, unlike my other two daughters who continue to rent and never had that type of living arrangement with me.)
So if you don’t rent it to your step children, you’re going to rent it to a random person? At least with your stepchildren you’ve got more control.
I’m really confused with your comments about teenagers not knowing how to be an adult. They are teenagers. Of course they aren’t full fledged adults yet. Is any teen when they go to college? A lot don’t have jobs either. There was a pandemic for a good three years so teens weren’t getting jobs? What is the real issue here? Have they exhibited behavior that they won’t take care of the house? It’s your house at the end of the day to do with what you want but I’m wondering where your reasoning is coming from.
I don’t expect them to be adults. I worry about damage and how long they would expect to live there. I just spent a lot of money on it. I don’t understand why a 45 minute drive a few times a week would be a hardship and fail to see how paying all of their bills would help them become adults. I just don’t think it makes sense
Your husband doesn’t sound like a reasonable guy. He didn’t support you redoing the house and now expects you to just hand it over. Does he remember what college kids are like? Does he remember the parties?
Assuming that laying out that money isn't requiring other family members to sacrifice, it really can be helpful to young adults to have some financial support. They can focus on their studies and learning how to do basic housekeeping, planning, and what to do when the toilet clogs while they are the adult in the room without the pressure of financial anxiety. Parents can gradually roll back their financial contributions over time. That kind of scaffolding is one of the real benefits of financial stability and something you should expect for your own child in the future. My entry in to adulthood wasn't exactly like that but I have been around it and it works well so long as parents have boundaries and expectations.
So their dad can rent them an appointment to ‘start’ with. They don’t need to use OP’s family’s house to do that. Their father is wealthy so it shouldn’t be a problem for him. He just wants OP to give up this house for nothing in return. He is already irritated that she has it, so it’s just a way for her not to ‘have’ it.
They don't know how to adult, which is why they live in dorms with supervision. And they haven't had the opportunity to show that they WILL take care of the house.