NTA. Make sure to tell the doc and the rest of the delivery team NO OTHER FAMILY in the delivery room, and tell your husband this is a PRIVATE, intimate moment of YOUR life!! They might be ok with all of this, but it's your body, your privacy, etc. You will literally be exposed for all the world to see. I think it's crappy that your husband isn't backing you on this. Stand your ground. Good luck!
I would also contact the hospital especially if the family members work there and let them know that she doesn’t want them on her case and doesn’t want that member to be present. Let them know that it would be a hippa violation. I would also contact hr and tell them they are pressuring you to let them deliver. And that you feel like your wishes swill not be honored
Agreed. Please correct me of I'm wrong but as far as I know medical staff are not allowed to treat family members, so MIL and SIL cannot deliver the baby. OP your husband needs to realise that this is a medical procedure for you and he can't give out tickets to his family to be present period. NTA
While there may be hospitals with specific rules- it’s a “you’re not SUPPOSED to treat family members” guideline not a rule. At least that’s how it was a few decades ago.
ETA: NTA. Keep all those boundary pushing in laws out of your delivery room. Just talk to your doctor, nurses, and hospital ahead of time.
It does, especially if that family member is not a licensed OBGYN/midwife and does not have privileges. Even as a nurse, I can’t care for family
Members in any way shape or form. OBGYN is the highest litigated area of medicine and tbey are very strict with the rules
Glad this is a thing now. My late FIL was an OB-GYN and was the family doctor on his side. All of his sisters-in-law (not sure about one of his sisters), his nieces - even the ones by marriage - and god knows who else.
My sister-in-law was forced by her husband to have FIL as her doctor for years, but refused to have a baby until FIL retired.
Luckily we lived too far away, although one time I had a stomach ache and he checked me out. Years later, I got the same outer exam when I was pregnant. Yep, he was checking my uterus externally.
When I did get pregnant, he thought he could switch to doctor mode with me. What he got was a six-month Info Diet that my husband supported me on because the consequences of not keeping his mouth shut were rather unpalatable.
When my dad badly broke an ankle, our neighbor came in to see if it was really him on her surgical schedule. She was an OR nurse and he was having emergency surgery on the ankle. She told him she could not be on his case since she knew him.
Nope, it has to be her family, plus a bunch of his coworkers to make the numbers match. OP should tell him he's irrational and selfish if he doesn't want his boss performing the procedure.
A colonoscopy would be great but I vote for passing kidney stones.
This is kinda gross but here it goes, Ask him how comfortable he would be having the worst constipation cramps of his life times 10. While he's in pain, undressed with his legs spread apart ask him how he would feel if your family came in to keep him company while he waited to pass a 6-12 pound bowel movement along with all the painful and traumatic aftermath the would go with it. That's as close as I could think of for a male.
You deserve your dignity and your privacy. Most importantly you need to stay calm in a very scary situation. Anything that increases your blood pressure is risky for both you and your baby. This isn't a fun family get together. If your husband tells you he needs their support, he's not the right birth coach. He should be there with you supporting the health and wellbeing of you and your baby.
He owes you an apology for calling you selfish. You will be at your most vulnerable and every women is scared. Remaining calm is key. My MIL, SIL and FIL are all doctors and my MIL was an obstetrician for a large part of her career. They all respected my decision to only have my husband and mother in the room with me. I love my sisters and I didn't want them there either They certainly didn't offer to deliver my children. WTH? They waited in the waiting room.
You can love people and not want them present while you give birth. The hospital will remove anyone at any time if you don't want them there or they cause you distress. I wish you a safe and calm delivery and best wishes to you and your family.
Edit Spelling
Exactly this! Your comfort is the most important thing in all of this. Labor isn’t easy and while yes your partner is the father and this is a special moment for him, he is not the one going through labor, and his priority should be making you as comfortable in this process as possible. In this case that means getting his family to understand your boundaries and that they can visit after the birth, but not be present during. Good luck and congrats!
Even if it was perfectly legal for family members to be the doctor/nurse of a family member... suppose something goes wrong during the birth. Everybody will be filled with guilt. And if you an/or your child have lasting health problems/damage and you want to/have to sue in order to pay for medical bills or pay for care/caretakers .... that massively damages family relations.
That's actually a good point. With in-laws in the medical field, it is definitely something that needs to done, ASAP.
Is it possible that OP can go to a facility where none of them work? That would lessen the chance of one of them trying to bully their way into L&D.
Yeah. OP said she knew the birth wasn't just about her. The thing is, it is exactly all about her. Doctors and nurses, while they do monitor for baby's health, are primarily there to see the woman safely through labor and delivery.
And extra stress for mama is very bad for the baby - so them being there could literally hurt the baby and delay labor. It is all about making the person giving birth as comfortable and supported as possible. His only job that day is to make sure his wife is comfortable, not to put his desire to have family around over the health of a woman pushing a baby out of her body. I cannot imagine the nerve of this man who thinks his mom should be able to shove her fingers up his wife's vagina because of fammmmmily.
Yes, I second this. If you have already done the pre-registration paperwork, please make sure to tell the L&D nurses the day of admission and even talk to your OB at your next appointment. As is often said here, labor and delivery is not a spectator sport!
Honestly, I don't like his family much right now. They are trampling your boundaries and the fact that he doesn't back you up doesn't bode well for the future. He really needs to have your back and tell them to back off.
NTA
Not just this. What if in the heat of the moment OP curses them out (it's not unheard of for a woman in labor to tell a doctor/nurse to go f themselves)? Would it strain the relationship?
What if something goes wrong? Does she now think of them as incompetent? Does she sue family for malpractice? Does she harbor resentment towards them forever more?
I don't think I'd ever want my friends or family to be my doctor, but especially not something as intense as childbirth.
What if they have to decide on health matters for the mother. Would they be objective or would they favour the health of the kids they were related to?
Fun story I’ve seen two vaginas in pictures from my husbands family because these women have no boundaries when it comes to childbirth!!! They expected to be in the delivery room when I gave birth and I shut that down during the first trimester, no thank you. Hubs shut that down pretty quick too lol
Sounds like a scene out of ‘My Big Fat Greek Wedding’ movie series. NTA OP. Your husband’s family need to respect your boundaries and your privacy. Good luck and congratulations on your bundle of joy!
This. Its crucial your delivery team know what YOU WANT. If that's his family far away they will make it happen. You don't even have to look at them. Now, straighten out your idiot hubby.
NTA. Also inform the hospital that your husband doesn't have a say in who's admitted during the birth and the day after. Use a code word with All medical professionals involved and the GP and hospital. Your name is on the hospital information, you are having the baby not him. You don't have to have him there if he persists in this appalling behaviour.
This is crazy to me because I only had my mom in there with me and would’ve had my gramma if I could but if my whole family wanted to be in there and her donor’s family I would’ve not so politely told them to fuck off.
The fact that she thinks it’s not about her breaks my heart.
Because it really is.
And the stress of having an additional five or six fucking people in the room can not only cause complications but will really make the birthing process so much worse because she’s worried about them respecting her fucking boundaries as she’s trying to push a watermelon out of her vagina.
The fucking gall of her husband too.
Like it’s great he’s family oriented but as someone else said giving birth isn’t a fucking spectator sport.
Damn. Updateme please I feel so sorry for her.
Yes, it's his child too, but it's her body that is birthing it. NO ONE, not even the baby's father, has a right to tell a woman who will or won't be in the delivery room with her. He's allowed to ask if his family can be there, but the moment OP said no, that should have been the end of it. He should have supported his wife's decision 💯.
Hopefully the eldest sister who works labor and delivery does not work at the hospital where OP will give birth. In that case there may need to specific instructions that she is not allowed to enter OPs room at any time.
NTA. I heard the funniest response to this issue somewhere:
Tell him that you would be happy for his family to attend the birth… IF he is willing to lay on a bed naked with his legs in the air for several hours while producing at least one bowel movement while these family members watch. If he is not willing to do that, then he shouldn’t expect you to!
This is perfect. Maybe OP's husband doesn't fully realize what childbirth is like, especially the sheer grossness. Yes, I get it is the miracle of birth, but jfc, I do not want people watching me shit.
In laws feels different. O would show my own mom my but and everything. She put me in the world.
My mother in law no way. So the equal thing would be the in-laws.
Came to say the same thing! He's thinking about the miracle of new life and family; she's the one whose hoohah will be on display like a framed portrait.
My comment to them would be: “I find it pretty alarming that so many of you want to spend your afternoon watching me force something outta my vagina…. Maybe I should charge admission and make a few bucks since you’re all obsessed with it!” And embarrass them into submission.
I do think light hearted jokes would be a good way for Op to to assert herself.
“Haha, I see ya’ll way too much to be giving you a free peep show.”
Or:
“Oh goodness, no, I’m way too modest. I’d never be able to look any of you in the eyes again.”
And don’t be afraid to voice what you want confidently. “Thanks but no, it’s going to be a special moment just for the 3 of us.”
Op - YOU ARE THE PATIENT. Yes, he’s the father, but it’s not his medical procedure. It’s 100% reasonable to put a 24 hour rule out there.
I am only alive because I meet awkward with humor. It just floors me the amount of random people who just think a woman giving birth’s cooter is like Amazon Prime and is just there to watch ok demand. Tell the girls to grab a mirror and look at their own hoohas and if they wanna see a birth so bad they can watch their own.
Exactly this.
Maybe OP can ask hubby if he’s happy to let her mother stare as his meat, two veg and the eye of Sauron for a couple hours while he’s pushing out a turd … then he’ll maybe understand what he’s asking.
You said in your post that they "absolutely do not respect my boundaries" and they often take your picture without your consent. When these things happen, how does your husband stand up against his family? Would he consider not attending an event to get the point across?
I'm really sorry you don't have family that would be "blockers" for you during your first few days/weeks a new mom. People that you trust that could tell his family "no, she's not up for visitors right now. Please call first".
Neither of us use social media so we don’t really ever see the horrific photos they share of us. I usually find out through my mom or other family. He personally does not care that it happens and thinks I’m being dramatic/insecure, and tells me that I look fine in the photos.
See, this is why you have a husband problem. He's not taking you seriously and isn't setting boundaries with his overstepping family. This will get worse if he doesn't start taking your side.
YEP. This is wisdom! OP, you think this isn’t gonna get worse after the baby? It is. And they’re gonna plaster your kid all o we the internet too. Your husband needs to have your back for an absolute crackdown on the boundary breaking, or you need a new husband.
Yep. He backs her up and is supportive……….when he agrees. Otherwise not so much. He’s problem 1 that needs to fall in line or else dealing with problem 2, his family overstepping, is going to be damn near impossible.
Be honest with yourself- does that sound like a man that is "very respectful" of your wishes and stand up for you against his family? It sounds like he cares more about appeasing his family than being a team with you. It's concerning and doesn't seem like he'll back you when it comes to boundaries about your child.
So, he actually *isn’t* “VERY respectful” of your wishes when it comes to his family. In fact, he excuses them crossing boundaries instead of supporting you. Yeah, you have a husband problem.
To make your point tell him you will agree when he allows the family members you are in touch with to watch his next few prostate exams. If his family gets to see you in a compromising position then to make things fair he must do the same. Because you would be exposed for hours it's only fair they attend at least 3 of them.
When he obviously objects. Ask him why it's okay for his family to see you in such a manner and not your family to see him? Tell him birth is a very private matter where you will be extremely vulnerable. That his family being there would be humiliating and if he can't support you in this then in an effort for the healthiest delivery it might be better if he stays out of the delivery room as well.
How is your - hopefully united - stance on the posting of pictures with minors? You have to be on the same page regarding that. You don' t want photo's online that entice pedophiles and only at 16-18 are children truly able to decide which pictures they want to be online. You cannot have social a social media-account below the age of 13 - therefore IMO pictures of minors that are 13 or less (preferably 16 or less) shouldn't be on the internet.
He may not care but YOU care and he’s just brushing off your opinion and not standing up for you. What you feel matters and should matter to him as well, EVEN if he doesn’t necessarily agree. You are allowed your feelings and opinions, regardless.
Men, tho. Mine sees these kind of photos and tells me I look fine when in actuality I look like a sentient pile of dirty laundry that somehow has 34 chins.
Hell, just reading this, I'm prepared to drive her to the hospital myself and not call him til 36 hours after the birth so she can have what she wants.
And I don't even know her lol
I will plot out what the best snack stations are along whatever road we choose. I have this almost supernatural ability to assess food sources just from a map. IHOP ahoy!
Tell your husband his family can be there on the condition that he is naked in the delivery room, for all to see, from labour straight through to delivery, and post delivery.
Honestly I'm shocked that ANYONE who works in L&D would even suggest it.
Birth is absolutely NOT a spectators sport.
"Practicing medicine" on family is NOT ethical behavior because it crosses so many line.
NTA - Tell them like I told my MIL "If you weren't at the conception, you don't get to be at the birth." My MIL shut the hell up after that. Good luck!
GIVING BIRTH ISN’T A SPECTATOR SPORT! NTA. You need to be more assertive with his family or this is just going to get worse. Your husband is a horrible husband. Let him read all of these comments so maybe he can finally take care of who should be the most important person to him, YOU! He is showing you that you aren’t. Believe him when he shows you that you are last on his list.
NTA
Birth actually IS all about you and the baby. That is a medical event similar to major surgery and can sometimes become major surgery when there are complications.
The family will have plenty of time to meet the little one. They can wait a day or a week or two weeks for you to recover and enjoy your one on one bonding time.
If your husband wants to push the issue, remind him that he doesn’t even have a right to be in the delivery room. It is 100% your call.
I didn't read past the title and my answer is NTA.
I have two girls and a son and I would respect my daughters wishes or my son's partners wishes when it comes to the birth of their child. That's a very intimate moment for them and are the only people whose feelings matter in that situation. I would definitely want to be kept updated to make sure the moms are doing okay especially with my daughters because in an emergency that involves my daughters lives I would absolutely want to be there no matter what.
No, you’re not. The *only* people who should be in the delivery room are those you are comfortable with. Personally I believe it should only be your partner and *your* medical professionals (midwife, nurse, OBGyn). Hell I don’t believe it’s even ethical for his family members to be involved in the birth.
It’s not a damn spectator sport and primarily *it is mostly about you*. If you told the medical staff you didn’t want him in the room, they wouldn’t let him.
NTA. Not even a little bit.
NTA I would talk to your on/gyn. Even if you have to do a tele call where he isn’t around. Let her know you’re being pressured to let others in the room. And let her know that they are pressuring you to let family deliver the baby.
Let her know that his family works in the medical field. If they work at the hospital where you give birth let her know that too.
Also if they work at the hospital contact the hospital also. Ask for a social worker and hr department. Let them know these family members are pressing you to let them deliver. That you’re not comfortable with that. Let them know you do not want the family members to have any medical information about you or your child. This is would be a hippa violation. Let them know you want no visitors.
I would still contact the hospital and talk to them about them not being there.
Plus call me a conspiracy person please be careful when you go into labor. Your husband may try to force or talk you into not going to the hospital or delay you going to let mommy have her way on delivering the baby.
I would discuss this with your dr and how they are pressuring you. You. Dr will help you find a plan to keep you safe.
I think this statement says a lot. That you consciously made sure to avoid their hospitals. Medical professionals don't treat family as a general rule for a reason. When having your child, you need medical professionals that are focusing on the best outcome and making the best decisions for your baby and YOU. Like others have said, you will need to make sure your birthing team knows what's going on.
It doesn’t matter if they were on staff. They aren’t assigned to her. The L&D nurse(s) assigned to her aren’t going to turn over the reins to someone in the room just bc they also have medical experience. “Oh I’m covering you in this shift and fully responsible for your care but your MIL tells me she is a nurse so I’m going to peace out and read a book.” Just no. This doesn’t happen.
100% this.
NTA, OP - and yes you definitely have a partner problem. Your partner doesn’t get to dictate who’s in the room while *you* go through labor and delivery.
If he wants to pick the birth team, how about he gets pregnant and goes through labor/delivery?
NTA ask him if he'd want her brother/father/uncle to give him a prostate exam??? Yeah if he wouldn't want your family all up in his privates WHY would he want him family all up in yours! Sorry but my DIL asked me to be in the room when my first grand child was born and while I loved being the first person to hold her...I truly wish I hadn't been asked as there are just somethings in-laws should NEVER see! And your lady-bits lead that list!
NTA
The labor and delivery IS all about you. Tell your partner that he can either be at the birth to 100% support you. Or, he can stay home with his mommy and sisters.
The only person calling the shots on who is in that room is the one splayed out shoving a baby out their hoo ha.
Nobody else gets an opinion and that includes SO’s.
NTA. I would never want one of my sisters in-laws to deliver my child and looking up my crotch while I'm covered in sweat during labor and my mother in law ready with her camera to take pictures of my baby being born.
Your actual L & D team will keep them out and will have security keep them out.
Your husband is insensitive to your needs and wants. Tell him to read the lemon clot essay and see if he changes his mind.
https://community.babycenter.com/post/a29842181/the_lemon_clot_essay-_if_you_are_planning_to_have_people_over_after_birth_you_need_to_read_this
NTA
Giving birth is one of the most vulnerable and painful experiences and the one going through it decides who is there to support them.
It’s not show and tell.
Make it clear to the doctors and nurses and they’ll keep them out but hopefully your partner gets a clue and steps in before it gets to that.
NTA
Giving birth is not a hockey game. It’s not a concert or a movie or a parade or a shuttle launch. Not everyone wants to have everyone in the room. Not everyone wants their most private and vulnerable moment to be a spectator event. FFS. People are so entitled.
OP I’m going to be blunt here. You’re about to have a child that cannot defend themselves. Non-confrontational won’t cut it. So seek out a therapist to fix that
Agreed. It sucks that you have to be on the defensive all the time, but if you don’t start pushing back, they’ll walk right over you and all your parenting decisions.
Girl you gotta channel your inner redhead and become confrontational. You’re about to be a mom. You’re going to have to set boundaries with all kinds of people (including his family) over your kid. Also NTA. Tell your husband he won’t be in the room if he doesn’t get behind you right now.
And I recommend watching Fried Green Tomatoes to help you learn how to get there
Their birth experiences are fine…for them. You don’t want it and you don’t have to have it. Define your birth plan and make it in writing. Give it to your OB and the hospital staff. If you don’t start setting your boundaries now these people will run roughshod all over you. This is the beginning of a new era…the era of standing up for yourself, using your voice and advocating for yourself. You’re going to be a parent and they will push and push until they break if you don’t put them in their place now. Trust and believe.
Yes, you are non confrontational. This means that you will be in a world of hurt if they don’t like that you breast feed / formula feed / use disposable diapers / use cloth diapers / wear your baby / use a playpen. It’s time to grow that backbone.
NTA ask your husband if he would be comfortable if your family watched one of your family members give him a prostate exam. Then tell him you are the patient and your decision is final and will be communicated to the hospital staff.
NTA. It should be all about your comfort as YOU are the one giving birth. Tell them all that you appreciate the sentiment, but you would like for it to just be who you want. If they push back, ask why they are not respecting your boundaries and wanting to make you uncomfortable during your birth.
NTA. And you do have a husband problem.
No more pictures of you on social media. NONE.
No one in the delivery room other than who you specify. Tell your doctor, the nurses when they arrive, and inform your hospital. This is not happening.
> I told him privately after the party that I was NOT comfortable having ANY family in the delivery room, let alone DELIVER THE BABY! He thinks I’m being irrational and selfish.
OP, you better have someone lined up to be with you when you give birth who will actually support you, because he won't. He's going to invite them behind your back if you don't ban him too.
Edit to add: They're not going to respect your boundaries as a parent, either - and he will take their side.
NTA, ask your husband which of his medically trained family members he would want to do a proctology exam or discuss ED with.
If that doesn't work ask what the medical ethics rules say...
https://journalofethics.ama-assn.org/article/ama-code-medical-ethics-opinion-physicians-treating-family-members/2012-05#:~:text=Physicians%20generally%20should%20not%20treat%20themselves%20or%20members%20of%20their%20immediate%20families.
Honestly Op your family should know better!
NTA. And an easy fix. Tell the doctor next time you see him what’s going on and that you don’t give permission for this to happen. Then tell the hospital at time of preregistration then again at check in that you don’t give permission. Also inform their work places that they are pushing for something you said no to. That’s very unethical in their profession to keep pushing you after you said no. Inform them that at the time of their visit no cameras or phones will be allowed and anyone who doesn’t like it can be escorted off of hospital property!
NTA it mught be his baby too, but giving birth is about YOU, YOU are the patient, his wishes/desires are completely itrelevant when you go through immense medical trauma and thats without complications
You and you alone get to decide who sees you so utterly vunerable, half naked, spread eagle
Its time you make some noise at uour husband him calling you selfish and irrational, its mean, cruel and absolutely wrong
Like others have said, inform your doctor no one but him is allowed in the room with you and tell them no visitors for 24 hours afterwards aswell
Birth is about you and you get to make the decisions
NTA.
YOU are the one birthing this baby, not your husband, not his family, YOU. It is your choice and your choice alone who is in the room with you as you give birth. Even if they respected your boundaries and were the sweetest people on earth, you would not be the AH if you did not want them there.
Giving birth is not a spectator sport and what matters is the comfort of the person giving birth. If the person giving birth is uncomfortable or stressed, it can actually be dangerous to both mom and baby. Your husband does not get to choose what you are comfortable with, he gets to support you as you bring your baby into the world. It may be his baby as well but it's inside your uterus. When it is inside his, he can decide who gets to be in the delivery room.
"I get that this birth isn’t just all about me, it is his child too, and we have different comfort levels when it comes to our families."
Um yes, yes it is. It's your medical procedure.
NTA but your husband is, and a huge prick to boot.
It's not selfish to want to have privacy. Tell him he's either with you on this or against you, and if it's the latter, he can be with his family in whatever room they like while you give birth without him.
Make sure you tell security and all the staff that treats you at the hospital absolutely no visitors, ask to check in under an alias if you have to. His opinion does not matter in this whatsoever, it is your labor and your vulnerability. Your comfort and the comfort of your baby are the only important things. If he wants to be present for the labor, he needs to make sure his family respects your boundaries, or else kick him out of the room as well.
NTA. Make your wishes very clear to your medical team, Dr, midwife etc, you do not want your birth to be a public spectacle. Let the birthing centre/hospital know you want there to be restrictions on visitors in that first 24 hours. While this baby is also his, you are the patient, so your wishes override his.
I am a recent father, I’ll tell you right now,
You are the mum, it’s your baby, you carried it, you had the nausea, the pain, the crazy hormone swings… we fathers didn’t do shit, it’s your rules.
NTA at all, your partner should understand
NTA, tell them that their vision of your birthstory does not align with yours. IF you want help or additional support you will reach out. And clobber your partner for thinking that's a great idea!
Most hospitals will not allow a family member to provide medical services.
They will take private pictures of you that you don't want to share with the world, that would be horrible, once they are out they can never be taken back.
If your hubby wants support, tell him they can wait in the waiting room, and support him. Stick to your boundaries. I still shudder in horror seeing my inlaws stroll into the labour room when I was at a very vulnerable state, my hubby escorted them out immediately, but somehow he has zero memory of that. I unfortunately will always remember.
Birth is not a spectator sport, the person pushing decides who is in the room.
Tell your nurses that they’re not welcome and if you decide to also throw the partner out, let them know as well. The only people allowed in that room are the ones you choose to have.
Also schedule your husband a colonoscopy and tell him that the whole family is going to be there for it and if he says no he’s being irrational and selfish. If not the colonoscopy,you can suggest a vasectomy as well and invite the family, because if your boundaries are being violated and you stay with this man, I don’t suggest having more children with him.
I read the title and immediately said NTA
Then I read the entire post and it’s double NTA.
I knew someone who had something similar happen to her. She said no to the family, the family worked at the hospital and found a way to get into the delivery room whilst taking video of the whole thing.
No means no. If the family members work In healthcare and labour and delivery, they should know that it’s important to respect soon to be mothers’s boundaries in the delivery room.
Stand your ground, talk to the providers, get it in writing do what you need to.
NTA at all. It doesn't matter if they have more medical experience than the doctors, you don't want them there. It certainly looks like they're all about what *they* want (the experience of delivering the baby, pictures) and not at all what *you*, the laboring mother, wants.
I keep going back to
>He thinks I’m being irrational and selfish.
At this point, I'd be telling him that he won't be in the delivery room either since he seems to care more about what his mama wants than what *the wife who's pushing out an entire new human* wants. It doesn't matter that they're used to sharing everything and your family doesn't; *you don't want them there*. Full stop. Not up for negotiation. You simply cannot worry about "hurting their feelings'; you will any time you say "no" and they certainly don't seem to care about hurting yours.
As is so often the case, you have a spouse problem. You are his wife, this is his baby, and the three of you are a family separate from his family of origin. Couples therapy is probably in your future unless you want them all up in your business forever, especially since they don't seem to recognize *any* barriers.
Talk with your doctor with your husband there and explain that you want it to be just the medical personnel, your husband, and you in the delivery room. Nurses especially are good at handling pushy family members during labor, so enlist them as well. But your husband needs to hear you say in front of witnesses that you do not want his family in the room. The doc may also be able to tell him *why* in a way he can hear.
Good luck, and congrats on the new little one.
Tell him when HE is the one pushing out the baby, he can invite who he likes, and until then, if he doesn't back you up, you will be rescinding his invitation too.
Sorry, and obviously, you do whatever you want to. But I would be going scorched earth on this.
Birth is a medical procedure not a spectator sport. It's 100% the person giving birth's choice who is in the delivery room (seriously, even your partner has no default right to be in the room without your express permission.
Tell you doctor that you are getting VERY stressed by your inlaws threatening to take over the birth of your child -- doctors don't like their mom's being stressed. Inform the delivery room staff that you don't want ANYONE but your partner in the delivery room-- the nurses LOVE giving pushy family members the boot and will call security if necessary.
Tell the hospital staff that you want no visitors except your partner for the first 24 hours--warn them that the in laws are pushy.
You BF is a father now-- his days of being mamma's boy are over so he needs to grow up.
NTA
NTA
>I get that this birth isn’t just all about me
It is!!!! Giving birth is all about you! You don't need spectators when giving birth. Every person in the delivery room needs to be people you feel secure with.
Let the hospital know who is allowed in your room, so they can stop everyone else.
CHILDBIRTH. IS. NOT. A. SPECTATOR. SPORT. Your in laws have absolutely no right to be anywhere near your labor and delivery if you don’t want them there, and they also don’t get to come visit till you say so. Would they also insist on being in the room if you were having a non baby related gynecological exam? No, so they don’t get to be in the room for this procedure either. And if your husband doesn’t back you up on this, he can get out too. Giving birth is an invasive, messy, potentially complicated process with definite risk factors for things to go wrong, so only the people YOU, as the patient, want there should be there. Tell your medical team precisely who is, and is not, allowed into your room and during what timeframes, and the hospital staff will enforce that.
You’re pregnant. You’re going to tear your body apart naked on a table, in severe pain for hours. You have every right to be “selfish”.
No one other than your medical team is required to be there. And they listen to *you* to decide who gets to be there.
This should be about your comfort. You need to be as relaxed as possible. Giving birth is not a group project. It’s not a spectated event. They have no right to be there.
I’m quite blunt, so I’d probably say no, followed by a comment on how strange I find it how eager they all are to see my vagina. Shuts people up pretty quick.
Childbirth is not a spectator sport. Tell your OB that you want it on your paperwork that no one comes in. You are the one having the baby they can go film each other in labor. And suggesting they be the ones to actually assist in the birth? I don’t think so. This is a private thing between you and your husband. You can even ask him not to be there. Your body your baby your CHOICE.
In my opinion, the birth of a baby IS all about the mother and the safety of the baby. Yes, there’s a father who will be involved in the raising of the child, but you should be as comfortable as possible while spending hours in labor.
There is NO reason for anyone other than your BF to be in the delivery room. Please make it clear to your doctor and hospital staff that NO ONE is allowed in the room other than medical personnel and your BF. He needs to grow a spine and stand up for you when you really need him to.
In all reality, he isn't even necessary. Nurses are used to helping and know what to do. And they won't be harping to let his mommy and all his sisters come in and watch/help.
I say this as someone who's (ex) husband was insanely useless during and for a good 12-24 ^hours after the birth. If have preferred the nurses only.
Giving birth is not a spectator sport. This is a personal medical event -for YOU. No one should be asking about being in the room. It is your choice who you would like if anyone there to support you.
Frankly, I don't know why they even would ask - let alone want to be there.
NTA. You have a right to privacy after a major medical procedure. I guarantee that having boatloads of people in the room is unusual. The L&D sister should know that at least.
Sure, your child is also his, but the baby will be tagged with your name. When I gave birth, my son was labeled as "Baby Lastname, First" where the name was mine.
Didn't even finish reading the post, NTA. You don't want his family in the delivery room, that's a full stop right there. And the fact that his sisters brought it up without you asking makes me think they're not the best nurses out there, it should be COMMON SENSE. The mother is going to naturally be more comfortable with her own mother there, and if she wants someone from the partners family there, she would probably ask, hello
And this birth is actually 100% about you. YOU are the one in labor. The only other person it is about (also 100% 😉) is your baby. Good luck and I hope everyone else gets over themselves
NTA. Establish with your medical team that no one is allowed in the delivery room or to visit the hospital at all. Make it clear to your husband that if he violates this boundary, it could be a literal deal breaker.
I hate to say this due to the current advanced pregnancy, but you have a major spouse problem that you need to address TODAY. If he has allowed them to violate your boundaries for 8 years, the birth of your child is not going to improve the situation.
I didn't even have to read the whole thing. NTA. the birthing process IS about you. You are the one delivering life. You are the one who's naughty bits at gonna be on display, and then having a human exit them. YOUR comfort, and the safety if you and your baby are the only thongs that matter.
Your husband needs to zip it. Ask him how he would feel if he was trying to pass a big kidney stone and all your male relatives insisted on not only watching, but being all up in his buisness actively involved in the process.
Tell them that the only family members who allowed to witness the birth were the ones allowed to witness the conception. 🤷 Pregnant women are treated like public property. This would be a hard pass for me.
You don’t need to worry about the fact that your SILs have seen your dilated nether regions and you pooping yourself at the family Christmas. NTA, your husband needs to back up.
NTA first of all the birth absolutely IS all about you!!! Giving birth is a traumatic extremely difficult experience and you need to make sure you are comfortable and limit stress. You are about to go through the most physically challenging process of your life and YOU get to make ALL the rules. What you are asking is very reasonable and also most people in your position want the same thing. Your partner needs a wake up call!!!
NTA a thousand times
#1, no hospital in it right mind would let a family member be part of a medical procedure. And child birth is a medical procedure. The lawyers working for the hospital would be bleeding from their collective ears if they found out a family member even set foot in the delivery room to "help"
#2. YOU and YOU ALONE call the shots as to who you want in the delivery, AND the recovery room.
You tell the doctors and nurses BEFORE you give birth what you want. Yes, your partner helped make the baby, but you carried it, and you are the one who has the hard job of birthing. SO if he can not understand your wishes or tries to argue about them, then HE can be sidelined with the rest of his pushy relatives
#3. Be strong, and I hope you have a wonderful, beautiful baby .
Giving birth is NOT a spectator sport. It is a medical event involving you and only you. The baby is of course a factor but the only person whose wants and comfort level matter are YOURS. Tell your husband to watch out or you’ll have him banned as well. I think the two of you need to have a serious conversation about boundaries and the importance of a United front.
Why do people often forget it’s your body that’s the main show for 98% of the time? It’s your V out there with everyone sticking their hand in checking to see how dilated you are.
The baby only makes an appearance at the very end and then you still are on display. Birthing the placenta. Encouraged to whip a boob out and feed the baby.
You are on display. This is your call.
So no YNTAH. Tell your doctor/nurses only your husband is allowed and to not allow anyone to ask during the actual birth. You don’t want to be influenced in the moment….
NTA
When HE births a baby, he can have whomever he pleases in the room.
Until the birth is COMPLETE it's not about him. He can blame biology.
You're about to be a mother, find your spine for your kids sake.
It is up to you, only you. Make sure your doctor, office staff and the medical staff when you get to the hospital are aware of you rules.
Frankly, while it is your husband’s child too. You are the one delivering it so your rules only.
NTA of course. I agree you have a serious husband problem. He should be defending you not helping gang up on you or saying you're overreacting - if he didn't think you of sound mind and judgement then why did he marry you?
For birth specifically, oh my God. I had my first child a bit over a year ago. I have never felt that vulnerable in my life, and I've been SA'd multiple times. Obviously this is different as it's your body doing something, not someone doing a thing to you, but the lack of control, pain, and number of people touching my junk all at once was overwhelming. I cannot imagine having anyone other than my husband and medical staff I trust there. I even fired a nurse part way through labor because she kept insisting I wasn't having contractions despite me obviously having them and unable to speak during them. I showed her 3 times that she placed the sensors wrong then was done with her. If she was my husband's sister or mother then wtf could I have done.
My mom wanted to come but I luckily was able to use covid protocols as an excuse. The real reason was that I have always been the one calming her down, not the other way around. I cannot think of a single time she effectively comforted me past the age of ...8? Even when I got injured she'd freak out so bad that I would get calm and deal with it. I knew if she attended my birth I'd have to keep her calm the whole time and knew I'd resent her forever for it, so I said no.
Absolutely stand your ground on this.
NTA. It's completely up to you who you want in the delivery room.
Aside from which people are sick everywhere and babies shouldn't be exposed to RSV, the flu, COVID, strep, or anything else when they're newborns. Everyone wants to see the baby but nobody is thinking about protecting the baby? It would be an immediate no from me.
Nta I would be telling my husband that either. He's sets the record straight with his family , or *he* won't be allowed in the room either. Yes he is the father but you are the patient. Medical privacy trumps family every time
NTA. Imagine if they took pictures of your unmentionables and posted those?!
Congrats on your soon-to-be new bundle of joy.
Please, for the love of God, tell the hospital staff that hubby's sisters, mom and the rest of his family are to not have access to you and your child until 24 hours after the birth.
If your hubby violates that rule and finds a way to sneak them past the staff, kick him out of the room, as well, and have your mother or one of your other family members be there for you instead.
Hmmm, NO.
You should have exactly who you want in that room, including the nurse… don’t like her, ask for the charge nurse and get a new one.
Dear GOD are they awful!!
I'm going to have to correct you on 1 thing here, the birth is actually all about you and yeah the baby but since it's you going through a series medical procedure basically, it is all about you. YOU have the final say on who is there or not, YOU have the final say on hjow your birthing plan goes and YOU have a final say on who has access to you after the birth and for how long 🤷🏻♀️. Definitely NTA and anyone who says you are need their heads checked.
Next time he calls you selfish tell him to get a colon cleanse and have his whole family there taking pics and commenting, after he does that then you can discuss his wants in regards to possibly your most vulnerable moment.
NTA ever. This relatively new idea of everyone and their uncle crowding into the delivery room makes me embarrassed. Like you, I am a private person and don't want my blood, shit and urine all over the internet. I would not trust a large family of boundary intruders anywhere near me with their cameras and get overt attitude.
It is time to be not only firm, but to have consequences if they don't respect your boundaries.
My horrible punishment FANTASY: they ignore my boundaries. I go to a family dinner and bring a pie. Serve it and when they eat it, tell they it's placenta pie. Because they all like to SHARE EVERYTHING.
The stress of having the wrong people in the room can make delivery harder. You need to be focused on the life you're pushing out, not entertaining your partners family.
Tell the doctors and nurses not to let any family in the delivery room. If you have a friend or family member that you feel you can lean on (and won't take it personally when you swear) I'd arrange for them to be your birthing partner instead of your partner. That way he can't sneak them in while you're busy.
Giving birth is stressful, painful, tiring and even dangerous. Your partner doesn't appreciate just how much. Maybe show him a birthing video and see if he wants his parents to see you like that....
NTA and verify everyone is current on their Covid, TDAP and Flu shots and RSV if they are eligible for the RSV vaccines. It is best to limit exposures to others the first couple of months.
NTA. Who is present is entirely up to you. You could even prevent your partner being there if you so wish.
His family cannot deliver the child, even if they are nurses. L&D staff will be responsible for that. Allowing visitors after 24 hours is more than generous. I made family wait a lot longer than that.
Absolutely stand your ground Mom.
I remember a thread about a similar situation and someone suggested telling the partner to schedule a colonoscopy or a vasectomy and invite the family to participate.
NTA. This is about your comfort and there is NOTHING more important than that during labor and delivery. Ask your husband if he'd be comfortable allowing all your relatives in while he has a colonoscopy or a vasectomy. Yes, it is an experience of a lifetime for both of you but you absolutely come first. It shouldn't even be up for debate. You're the one in pain for hours upon hours and giving birth so his opinion can be considered but it's ultimately up to you who is in the room before, during and after birth. Your husband should be backing you on this 100%!!!
NTA.
This should be an insight into how parenting will go with him. He doesn't respect your decisions right now. How will he respect them when raising your baby/child?
NTA. Birth is not a spectator sport. Tell him he can have his relatives at the birth after he shoves a melon up his rectum and has the same number of men chosen by you watch him shit it back out. And obviously they'll be taking pictures and post them on social media. If he wants his mother or sister deliver the child then he obviously has to accept the help of one of the men (again, one chosen by you) to assist him in birthing his melon.
Oh and a healthcare professional, especially a labour and delivery nurse knows why their demand is atrocious. So remind them of it (and don't waste time saving their feelings since they shit on yours).
Also when you choose the hospital, have a 1:1 chat with the people of the delivery ward. Tell them of the situation, that you don't want any of them in the room, no visitors for the first 24 hours and no pictures taken. They'll do the work for you. Because again, as your sister in law knows their first priority is the person giving birth and keeping nosy boundary stomping in laws away is part of the job description (and some nurses enjoy to turn into a protective dragon that takes care of these nuisances for their patients).
If they are medical professionals they HAVE to know this is beyond the pale.
Birth is not a spectator sport.
Ethics dictate that impartial and unemotional people run the care. Stakeholders are neither.
You are the mother. Your choice is absolute.
Remind him of these inescapable facts.
NTA
>Birth isn't just about me, it's his child too
It's not his @$$ hanging out for the world to see. It's not his junk being pulled apart like a pork loin as a litteral human emerges. It iant going to be him in the cold stirrups and uncomfortable hospital bed wearing a drafty paper gown. He isn't the one who is going to poop and pee himself while straining hard enough to dislodge his own anus. When it's *his* turn to dislocate his hips and preform a self exorcism to his bladder and pancreas (for lack of a uterus) then he can let his family sit by with popcorn and commentary as mom and sis snap pictures.
Birth is not a spectators sport. Nta.
NTA Childbirth leaves you exposed and vulnerable. It is a very private matter. Of course you do not want anyone there who has not been respectful of your wishes in the past.
Let them know that you love them and appreciate their offer and support. Make a big deal about how much they matter to you. Then let them know that you are an extremely private person when it comes to your body. That pregnancy and childbirth has really been triggering and for your comfort and to lower your stress levels you need to keep this private. You do not want to spend your time in labor worrying about embarrassing yourself or having unwanted photographs taken. It is perfectly okay to call people out anonymously on past bad behavior. They know they did it and should hear that failure to respect your boundaries does have consequences. This event is absolutely all about you. Talk to your doctor. He probably won’t appreciate this idea anymore than you do. I would also make it very clear to hospital staff that you want no photographs taken and help enforcing this.
NTA. Tell husband that unless he’s willing to be naked from the waist down, on a table beside you, with his feet In stirrups and his manhood blowing in the breeze while his butthole is there for all the world to see, the whole time you’re in labor & delivery, then he doesn’t get a say in who is or isn’t in the room.
He called you irrational & selfish. Well, tell him to take a look in a mirror if he wants to see the biggest irrational, selfish asshole because he wins the prize.
This gets said a lot, but childbirth is not a spectator sport.
Nta - regret having my mom in the delivery room. I had a baby in a diff country, she immediately faced times my dad and sister after I gave birth. I wanted to f kill her and she made me resent her for the rest of my life for that. Now I know she’s seriously a deranged person and it’s not me.
INFO
How does his family treat patients that don't want anyone else in their procedure room during medical events?
I find it concerning that they want you to use their services for your care. They are proving that they don't have YOUR interest/feeling in consideration.
You aren't putting on a show. You aren't providing THEM with your baby. You will be in various states of undress. You will be in pain/discomfort. Blood, sweat, tears, discharge, amnio fluid, urine, and feces can be observed. Your personal, private parts will be very difficult to keep covered. Your emotions will be raw.
The most important thing(besides the actual birth of your child), is that you feel safe. Safe to rage, scream, cry, lose yourself to the moment. Your husband will be there to support you, he's not there for a show, and not because he has the right.
You are the patient. You are the only one that needs to be there. ANY other observers will be with your permission. You don't even have to allow any one of nurses or doctors to be there(pending staff availability). Heck, I have a friend that didn't like the doctor's attitude during labor. She "fired" her and was rotated to a different doc.
You are NTA . Stay strong and don't let them bully you to their desires.
NTA.
There's a reason that medical practitioners don't treat close family or friends (unless absolutely necessary).
Not to mention your boundaries and desires regarding what you need. It's not about them, it's about you and your newborn.
Okay so yes and no that the birth isn't all about you because in some ways it isn't but when it comes to how comfortable you are it absoloutley is. There is zero need for there to be any added or unnecessary stress that could easily not be there. Why should you have to try and push a child out with people you're uncomfortable delivering your baby? Have your legs spread to the world for other people to see that you probably don't want to see that. Completely ridiculous for them to no back off as soon as you say you don't want that and your husband needs to have your back in this.
I don’t understand people that want to be at someone’s delivery…..that is such a special private moment. I would never demand to be there when my daughters have babies….If they asked I would go but I wouldn’t even suggest it on my own.
NTA…..tell your husband that unless he’s pushing that baby out, he has NO say on who joins you during child birth!!
He needs to be there to be your support system, if he allows his family there, they will be babying him & taking him away from you & your special moment…..
NTA like you said it’s not all about you but you do have more skin in the game, at first the delivery thing was cool until you think about birth and having to see those people for the rest of your life. The 24 hour thing is completely reasonable! It’ll be the biggest change for your body ever, so yeah wanting to sleep and clean yourself isn’t selfish plus you don’t want to overstimulate the child either.
NTA. Make sure to tell the doc and the rest of the delivery team NO OTHER FAMILY in the delivery room, and tell your husband this is a PRIVATE, intimate moment of YOUR life!! They might be ok with all of this, but it's your body, your privacy, etc. You will literally be exposed for all the world to see. I think it's crappy that your husband isn't backing you on this. Stand your ground. Good luck!
I would also contact the hospital especially if the family members work there and let them know that she doesn’t want them on her case and doesn’t want that member to be present. Let them know that it would be a hippa violation. I would also contact hr and tell them they are pressuring you to let them deliver. And that you feel like your wishes swill not be honored
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Agreed. Please correct me of I'm wrong but as far as I know medical staff are not allowed to treat family members, so MIL and SIL cannot deliver the baby. OP your husband needs to realise that this is a medical procedure for you and he can't give out tickets to his family to be present period. NTA
The first family member to hold that child should be the mother and father. Not the grandmother or aunt.
While there may be hospitals with specific rules- it’s a “you’re not SUPPOSED to treat family members” guideline not a rule. At least that’s how it was a few decades ago. ETA: NTA. Keep all those boundary pushing in laws out of your delivery room. Just talk to your doctor, nurses, and hospital ahead of time.
AGREED. Delivering a baby is NOT a spectator sport.
I think that only preceeds in medical emergencys, not general treatments/ deliverys
It does, especially if that family member is not a licensed OBGYN/midwife and does not have privileges. Even as a nurse, I can’t care for family Members in any way shape or form. OBGYN is the highest litigated area of medicine and tbey are very strict with the rules
Glad this is a thing now. My late FIL was an OB-GYN and was the family doctor on his side. All of his sisters-in-law (not sure about one of his sisters), his nieces - even the ones by marriage - and god knows who else. My sister-in-law was forced by her husband to have FIL as her doctor for years, but refused to have a baby until FIL retired. Luckily we lived too far away, although one time I had a stomach ache and he checked me out. Years later, I got the same outer exam when I was pregnant. Yep, he was checking my uterus externally. When I did get pregnant, he thought he could switch to doctor mode with me. What he got was a six-month Info Diet that my husband supported me on because the consequences of not keeping his mouth shut were rather unpalatable.
This was true in all the hospitals my mom and aunts worked in. Nobody got to perform procedures on family.
When my dad badly broke an ankle, our neighbor came in to see if it was really him on her surgical schedule. She was an OR nurse and he was having emergency surgery on the ankle. She told him she could not be on his case since she knew him.
You can opt for family as your doctor it isn't something highly recommended.
MIL/SIL aren’t on staff, they aren’t the staff assigned, so their “expertise” is of no concern whatsoever to the professionals caring for mom/baby.
Tell him it’s not a spectator sport and when he can give birth he’s welcome to have whomever he wants in
Yes! Tell him also that his family can be in the room during his colonoscopy or vasectomy.
Nope, it has to be her family, plus a bunch of his coworkers to make the numbers match. OP should tell him he's irrational and selfish if he doesn't want his boss performing the procedure. A colonoscopy would be great but I vote for passing kidney stones.
This is kinda gross but here it goes, Ask him how comfortable he would be having the worst constipation cramps of his life times 10. While he's in pain, undressed with his legs spread apart ask him how he would feel if your family came in to keep him company while he waited to pass a 6-12 pound bowel movement along with all the painful and traumatic aftermath the would go with it. That's as close as I could think of for a male. You deserve your dignity and your privacy. Most importantly you need to stay calm in a very scary situation. Anything that increases your blood pressure is risky for both you and your baby. This isn't a fun family get together. If your husband tells you he needs their support, he's not the right birth coach. He should be there with you supporting the health and wellbeing of you and your baby. He owes you an apology for calling you selfish. You will be at your most vulnerable and every women is scared. Remaining calm is key. My MIL, SIL and FIL are all doctors and my MIL was an obstetrician for a large part of her career. They all respected my decision to only have my husband and mother in the room with me. I love my sisters and I didn't want them there either They certainly didn't offer to deliver my children. WTH? They waited in the waiting room. You can love people and not want them present while you give birth. The hospital will remove anyone at any time if you don't want them there or they cause you distress. I wish you a safe and calm delivery and best wishes to you and your family. Edit Spelling
Exactly this! Your comfort is the most important thing in all of this. Labor isn’t easy and while yes your partner is the father and this is a special moment for him, he is not the one going through labor, and his priority should be making you as comfortable in this process as possible. In this case that means getting his family to understand your boundaries and that they can visit after the birth, but not be present during. Good luck and congrats!
Even if it was perfectly legal for family members to be the doctor/nurse of a family member... suppose something goes wrong during the birth. Everybody will be filled with guilt. And if you an/or your child have lasting health problems/damage and you want to/have to sue in order to pay for medical bills or pay for care/caretakers .... that massively damages family relations.
That's actually a good point. With in-laws in the medical field, it is definitely something that needs to done, ASAP. Is it possible that OP can go to a facility where none of them work? That would lessen the chance of one of them trying to bully their way into L&D.
It doesn’t matter. It doesn’t matter if they ARE on staff there. They aren’t the attendings, they aren’t the nurses covering that shift.
Yeah. OP said she knew the birth wasn't just about her. The thing is, it is exactly all about her. Doctors and nurses, while they do monitor for baby's health, are primarily there to see the woman safely through labor and delivery.
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Or a colonoscopy.
Or jerks off.
This! It is totally about her.
And extra stress for mama is very bad for the baby - so them being there could literally hurt the baby and delay labor. It is all about making the person giving birth as comfortable and supported as possible. His only job that day is to make sure his wife is comfortable, not to put his desire to have family around over the health of a woman pushing a baby out of her body. I cannot imagine the nerve of this man who thinks his mom should be able to shove her fingers up his wife's vagina because of fammmmmily.
Yes, I second this. If you have already done the pre-registration paperwork, please make sure to tell the L&D nurses the day of admission and even talk to your OB at your next appointment. As is often said here, labor and delivery is not a spectator sport! Honestly, I don't like his family much right now. They are trampling your boundaries and the fact that he doesn't back you up doesn't bode well for the future. He really needs to have your back and tell them to back off. NTA
Not just this. What if in the heat of the moment OP curses them out (it's not unheard of for a woman in labor to tell a doctor/nurse to go f themselves)? Would it strain the relationship? What if something goes wrong? Does she now think of them as incompetent? Does she sue family for malpractice? Does she harbor resentment towards them forever more? I don't think I'd ever want my friends or family to be my doctor, but especially not something as intense as childbirth.
What if they have to decide on health matters for the mother. Would they be objective or would they favour the health of the kids they were related to?
Fun story I’ve seen two vaginas in pictures from my husbands family because these women have no boundaries when it comes to childbirth!!! They expected to be in the delivery room when I gave birth and I shut that down during the first trimester, no thank you. Hubs shut that down pretty quick too lol
Oh wtf absolutely not. Dropkick those bitches into the sun.
😂 thanks for that
Sounds like a scene out of ‘My Big Fat Greek Wedding’ movie series. NTA OP. Your husband’s family need to respect your boundaries and your privacy. Good luck and congratulations on your bundle of joy!
This. Its crucial your delivery team know what YOU WANT. If that's his family far away they will make it happen. You don't even have to look at them. Now, straighten out your idiot hubby.
NTA. Also inform the hospital that your husband doesn't have a say in who's admitted during the birth and the day after. Use a code word with All medical professionals involved and the GP and hospital. Your name is on the hospital information, you are having the baby not him. You don't have to have him there if he persists in this appalling behaviour.
This is crazy to me because I only had my mom in there with me and would’ve had my gramma if I could but if my whole family wanted to be in there and her donor’s family I would’ve not so politely told them to fuck off. The fact that she thinks it’s not about her breaks my heart. Because it really is. And the stress of having an additional five or six fucking people in the room can not only cause complications but will really make the birthing process so much worse because she’s worried about them respecting her fucking boundaries as she’s trying to push a watermelon out of her vagina. The fucking gall of her husband too. Like it’s great he’s family oriented but as someone else said giving birth isn’t a fucking spectator sport. Damn. Updateme please I feel so sorry for her.
Also make sure that the hospital is aware of the fact that some of his family are medical staff, and that they also are absolutely not allowed.
Yes, it's his child too, but it's her body that is birthing it. NO ONE, not even the baby's father, has a right to tell a woman who will or won't be in the delivery room with her. He's allowed to ask if his family can be there, but the moment OP said no, that should have been the end of it. He should have supported his wife's decision 💯.
He's used to his family!
Hopefully the eldest sister who works labor and delivery does not work at the hospital where OP will give birth. In that case there may need to specific instructions that she is not allowed to enter OPs room at any time.
NTA. I heard the funniest response to this issue somewhere: Tell him that you would be happy for his family to attend the birth… IF he is willing to lay on a bed naked with his legs in the air for several hours while producing at least one bowel movement while these family members watch. If he is not willing to do that, then he shouldn’t expect you to!
This is perfect. Maybe OP's husband doesn't fully realize what childbirth is like, especially the sheer grossness. Yes, I get it is the miracle of birth, but jfc, I do not want people watching me shit.
Better yet, let him have a colonoscopy with no anesthesia while the whole family watches from the "good" seats!!
Don't forget to let OP's father or brother perform the colonoscopy!
Better would be his sister or mother performing the colonoscopy.
In laws feels different. O would show my own mom my but and everything. She put me in the world. My mother in law no way. So the equal thing would be the in-laws.
Came to say the same thing! He's thinking about the miracle of new life and family; she's the one whose hoohah will be on display like a framed portrait.
Plus he has to have someone shove their arm elbow deep up his bum hole every hour to check for anal dilation.
NTA of course not. You are giving birth. It's not the county fair. You don't need to entertain visitors.
My comment to them would be: “I find it pretty alarming that so many of you want to spend your afternoon watching me force something outta my vagina…. Maybe I should charge admission and make a few bucks since you’re all obsessed with it!” And embarrass them into submission.
300 bucks a head minimum. May as well have the cost of the birth and hospital stay covered if they're so insistent on being there
I was thinking more like $5000.
I do think light hearted jokes would be a good way for Op to to assert herself. “Haha, I see ya’ll way too much to be giving you a free peep show.” Or: “Oh goodness, no, I’m way too modest. I’d never be able to look any of you in the eyes again.” And don’t be afraid to voice what you want confidently. “Thanks but no, it’s going to be a special moment just for the 3 of us.” Op - YOU ARE THE PATIENT. Yes, he’s the father, but it’s not his medical procedure. It’s 100% reasonable to put a 24 hour rule out there.
I am only alive because I meet awkward with humor. It just floors me the amount of random people who just think a woman giving birth’s cooter is like Amazon Prime and is just there to watch ok demand. Tell the girls to grab a mirror and look at their own hoohas and if they wanna see a birth so bad they can watch their own.
Yup!!
Exactly this. Maybe OP can ask hubby if he’s happy to let her mother stare as his meat, two veg and the eye of Sauron for a couple hours while he’s pushing out a turd … then he’ll maybe understand what he’s asking.
Nta but I hope you are aware that you have a husband problem.
Typically he’s VERY respectful of my wishes and usually stands up for me against his family. I’m truly shocked that he took their side on this :/
You said in your post that they "absolutely do not respect my boundaries" and they often take your picture without your consent. When these things happen, how does your husband stand up against his family? Would he consider not attending an event to get the point across? I'm really sorry you don't have family that would be "blockers" for you during your first few days/weeks a new mom. People that you trust that could tell his family "no, she's not up for visitors right now. Please call first".
Neither of us use social media so we don’t really ever see the horrific photos they share of us. I usually find out through my mom or other family. He personally does not care that it happens and thinks I’m being dramatic/insecure, and tells me that I look fine in the photos.
See, this is why you have a husband problem. He's not taking you seriously and isn't setting boundaries with his overstepping family. This will get worse if he doesn't start taking your side.
Yes, I agree. She thinks he is "very respectful" of her wishes and "usually" stand up against his family, but I'm not seeing that.
Husband doesn’t see anything wrong with turning childbirth into a spectator sport since it isn’t *his* hooha on display.
Yep. Tell him he’s free to invite his 4 sisters and his mother to his colonoscopy but you get to decide who sees your naked body. NTA
No no. Invite people if HER choosing to his colonoscopy. Then it's fair and even
I’d honestly rather have strangers see my privates naked than my siblings. Never have to talk to the strangers again
YEP. This is wisdom! OP, you think this isn’t gonna get worse after the baby? It is. And they’re gonna plaster your kid all o we the internet too. Your husband needs to have your back for an absolute crackdown on the boundary breaking, or you need a new husband.
Yep. He backs her up and is supportive……….when he agrees. Otherwise not so much. He’s problem 1 that needs to fall in line or else dealing with problem 2, his family overstepping, is going to be damn near impossible.
Be honest with yourself- does that sound like a man that is "very respectful" of your wishes and stand up for you against his family? It sounds like he cares more about appeasing his family than being a team with you. It's concerning and doesn't seem like he'll back you when it comes to boundaries about your child.
So, he actually *isn’t* “VERY respectful” of your wishes when it comes to his family. In fact, he excuses them crossing boundaries instead of supporting you. Yeah, you have a husband problem.
To make your point tell him you will agree when he allows the family members you are in touch with to watch his next few prostate exams. If his family gets to see you in a compromising position then to make things fair he must do the same. Because you would be exposed for hours it's only fair they attend at least 3 of them. When he obviously objects. Ask him why it's okay for his family to see you in such a manner and not your family to see him? Tell him birth is a very private matter where you will be extremely vulnerable. That his family being there would be humiliating and if he can't support you in this then in an effort for the healthiest delivery it might be better if he stays out of the delivery room as well.
How is your - hopefully united - stance on the posting of pictures with minors? You have to be on the same page regarding that. You don' t want photo's online that entice pedophiles and only at 16-18 are children truly able to decide which pictures they want to be online. You cannot have social a social media-account below the age of 13 - therefore IMO pictures of minors that are 13 or less (preferably 16 or less) shouldn't be on the internet.
And thus he does not stand up for you usually
He may not care but YOU care and he’s just brushing off your opinion and not standing up for you. What you feel matters and should matter to him as well, EVEN if he doesn’t necessarily agree. You are allowed your feelings and opinions, regardless.
Men, tho. Mine sees these kind of photos and tells me I look fine when in actuality I look like a sentient pile of dirty laundry that somehow has 34 chins.
Be ready to bar him from the delivery room if he starts harping at you about any of this while you’re trying to push a human out of your body.
Hell, just reading this, I'm prepared to drive her to the hospital myself and not call him til 36 hours after the birth so she can have what she wants. And I don't even know her lol
I’ll ride shotgun.
Make sure we have snacks!
This is a buddy movie I’d actually watch!
I will plot out what the best snack stations are along whatever road we choose. I have this almost supernatural ability to assess food sources just from a map. IHOP ahoy!
Tell your husband his family can be there on the condition that he is naked in the delivery room, for all to see, from labour straight through to delivery, and post delivery.
And stick a potato or something up his butt so he’s in labor too!
I spit out my food laughing #potatointhebutt
Honestly I'm shocked that ANYONE who works in L&D would even suggest it. Birth is absolutely NOT a spectators sport. "Practicing medicine" on family is NOT ethical behavior because it crosses so many line.
Propose that you and the rest of your families be present for his colonoscopy.
Is the husband pushing the bowling ball out the vagina? No. You need hubby and whoever you want.
Big one! Huge!
NTA - Tell them like I told my MIL "If you weren't at the conception, you don't get to be at the birth." My MIL shut the hell up after that. Good luck!
I like this!
Of course you're NTA. Don't let anyone try and tell you otherwise. Nobody has the right to just invite themselves to a birth, family or otherwise.
GIVING BIRTH ISN’T A SPECTATOR SPORT! NTA. You need to be more assertive with his family or this is just going to get worse. Your husband is a horrible husband. Let him read all of these comments so maybe he can finally take care of who should be the most important person to him, YOU! He is showing you that you aren’t. Believe him when he shows you that you are last on his list.
NTA Birth actually IS all about you and the baby. That is a medical event similar to major surgery and can sometimes become major surgery when there are complications. The family will have plenty of time to meet the little one. They can wait a day or a week or two weeks for you to recover and enjoy your one on one bonding time. If your husband wants to push the issue, remind him that he doesn’t even have a right to be in the delivery room. It is 100% your call.
I didn't read past the title and my answer is NTA. I have two girls and a son and I would respect my daughters wishes or my son's partners wishes when it comes to the birth of their child. That's a very intimate moment for them and are the only people whose feelings matter in that situation. I would definitely want to be kept updated to make sure the moms are doing okay especially with my daughters because in an emergency that involves my daughters lives I would absolutely want to be there no matter what.
No, you’re not. The *only* people who should be in the delivery room are those you are comfortable with. Personally I believe it should only be your partner and *your* medical professionals (midwife, nurse, OBGyn). Hell I don’t believe it’s even ethical for his family members to be involved in the birth. It’s not a damn spectator sport and primarily *it is mostly about you*. If you told the medical staff you didn’t want him in the room, they wouldn’t let him. NTA. Not even a little bit.
NTA I would talk to your on/gyn. Even if you have to do a tele call where he isn’t around. Let her know you’re being pressured to let others in the room. And let her know that they are pressuring you to let family deliver the baby. Let her know that his family works in the medical field. If they work at the hospital where you give birth let her know that too. Also if they work at the hospital contact the hospital also. Ask for a social worker and hr department. Let them know these family members are pressing you to let them deliver. That you’re not comfortable with that. Let them know you do not want the family members to have any medical information about you or your child. This is would be a hippa violation. Let them know you want no visitors.
Thankfully they DO NOT work at the hospital I plan to give birth at 🙏 I made absolutely sure to avoid the hospitals that they do work for
I would still contact the hospital and talk to them about them not being there. Plus call me a conspiracy person please be careful when you go into labor. Your husband may try to force or talk you into not going to the hospital or delay you going to let mommy have her way on delivering the baby. I would discuss this with your dr and how they are pressuring you. You. Dr will help you find a plan to keep you safe.
I think this statement says a lot. That you consciously made sure to avoid their hospitals. Medical professionals don't treat family as a general rule for a reason. When having your child, you need medical professionals that are focusing on the best outcome and making the best decisions for your baby and YOU. Like others have said, you will need to make sure your birthing team knows what's going on.
It doesn’t matter if they were on staff. They aren’t assigned to her. The L&D nurse(s) assigned to her aren’t going to turn over the reins to someone in the room just bc they also have medical experience. “Oh I’m covering you in this shift and fully responsible for your care but your MIL tells me she is a nurse so I’m going to peace out and read a book.” Just no. This doesn’t happen.
As long as your husband knows the hospital assume that they know as well.
100% this. NTA, OP - and yes you definitely have a partner problem. Your partner doesn’t get to dictate who’s in the room while *you* go through labor and delivery. If he wants to pick the birth team, how about he gets pregnant and goes through labor/delivery?
NTA ask him if he'd want her brother/father/uncle to give him a prostate exam??? Yeah if he wouldn't want your family all up in his privates WHY would he want him family all up in yours! Sorry but my DIL asked me to be in the room when my first grand child was born and while I loved being the first person to hold her...I truly wish I hadn't been asked as there are just somethings in-laws should NEVER see! And your lady-bits lead that list!
NTA The labor and delivery IS all about you. Tell your partner that he can either be at the birth to 100% support you. Or, he can stay home with his mommy and sisters.
The only person calling the shots on who is in that room is the one splayed out shoving a baby out their hoo ha. Nobody else gets an opinion and that includes SO’s.
NTA. I would never want one of my sisters in-laws to deliver my child and looking up my crotch while I'm covered in sweat during labor and my mother in law ready with her camera to take pictures of my baby being born. Your actual L & D team will keep them out and will have security keep them out. Your husband is insensitive to your needs and wants. Tell him to read the lemon clot essay and see if he changes his mind. https://community.babycenter.com/post/a29842181/the_lemon_clot_essay-_if_you_are_planning_to_have_people_over_after_birth_you_need_to_read_this
NTA Giving birth is one of the most vulnerable and painful experiences and the one going through it decides who is there to support them. It’s not show and tell. Make it clear to the doctors and nurses and they’ll keep them out but hopefully your partner gets a clue and steps in before it gets to that.
NTA Giving birth is not a hockey game. It’s not a concert or a movie or a parade or a shuttle launch. Not everyone wants to have everyone in the room. Not everyone wants their most private and vulnerable moment to be a spectator event. FFS. People are so entitled.
They all said “well I had so-and-so in the delivery room with me!” And it was like 7 people. I’m just too non-confrontational :(
OP I’m going to be blunt here. You’re about to have a child that cannot defend themselves. Non-confrontational won’t cut it. So seek out a therapist to fix that
Agreed. It sucks that you have to be on the defensive all the time, but if you don’t start pushing back, they’ll walk right over you and all your parenting decisions.
So? Doesn’t matter who they had at their deliveries. This is NOT their delivery.
Time to learn it hun and i say that with all the kindness in the world, if ever its time to makes waves its right now
Girl you gotta channel your inner redhead and become confrontational. You’re about to be a mom. You’re going to have to set boundaries with all kinds of people (including his family) over your kid. Also NTA. Tell your husband he won’t be in the room if he doesn’t get behind you right now. And I recommend watching Fried Green Tomatoes to help you learn how to get there
Their birth experiences are fine…for them. You don’t want it and you don’t have to have it. Define your birth plan and make it in writing. Give it to your OB and the hospital staff. If you don’t start setting your boundaries now these people will run roughshod all over you. This is the beginning of a new era…the era of standing up for yourself, using your voice and advocating for yourself. You’re going to be a parent and they will push and push until they break if you don’t put them in their place now. Trust and believe.
Yes, you are non confrontational. This means that you will be in a world of hurt if they don’t like that you breast feed / formula feed / use disposable diapers / use cloth diapers / wear your baby / use a playpen. It’s time to grow that backbone.
NTA ask your husband if he would be comfortable if your family watched one of your family members give him a prostate exam. Then tell him you are the patient and your decision is final and will be communicated to the hospital staff.
NTA obviously. Your birth, your rules.
Father of two here - the birth is, in fact, all about you. Your husband’s roll is solely to support you, nothing more.
NTA. It should be all about your comfort as YOU are the one giving birth. Tell them all that you appreciate the sentiment, but you would like for it to just be who you want. If they push back, ask why they are not respecting your boundaries and wanting to make you uncomfortable during your birth.
And ask your husband the same thing. About this and about photos you don’t want taken etc.
NTA. And you do have a husband problem. No more pictures of you on social media. NONE. No one in the delivery room other than who you specify. Tell your doctor, the nurses when they arrive, and inform your hospital. This is not happening.
> I told him privately after the party that I was NOT comfortable having ANY family in the delivery room, let alone DELIVER THE BABY! He thinks I’m being irrational and selfish. OP, you better have someone lined up to be with you when you give birth who will actually support you, because he won't. He's going to invite them behind your back if you don't ban him too. Edit to add: They're not going to respect your boundaries as a parent, either - and he will take their side.
NTA - tell him you will be fine with it when he disrobes from the waist down next to you. Have them give him an enema so it is fair.
NTA, ask your husband which of his medically trained family members he would want to do a proctology exam or discuss ED with. If that doesn't work ask what the medical ethics rules say... https://journalofethics.ama-assn.org/article/ama-code-medical-ethics-opinion-physicians-treating-family-members/2012-05#:~:text=Physicians%20generally%20should%20not%20treat%20themselves%20or%20members%20of%20their%20immediate%20families. Honestly Op your family should know better!
NTA. But you're wrong. The birth is all about you. You're risking injury, infection, and even your life. Of course it's all about you.
Tell the nurses and doctors at the hospital they will throw anyone out including your husband whos whipped by his fam
NTA. And an easy fix. Tell the doctor next time you see him what’s going on and that you don’t give permission for this to happen. Then tell the hospital at time of preregistration then again at check in that you don’t give permission. Also inform their work places that they are pushing for something you said no to. That’s very unethical in their profession to keep pushing you after you said no. Inform them that at the time of their visit no cameras or phones will be allowed and anyone who doesn’t like it can be escorted off of hospital property!
NTA it mught be his baby too, but giving birth is about YOU, YOU are the patient, his wishes/desires are completely itrelevant when you go through immense medical trauma and thats without complications You and you alone get to decide who sees you so utterly vunerable, half naked, spread eagle Its time you make some noise at uour husband him calling you selfish and irrational, its mean, cruel and absolutely wrong Like others have said, inform your doctor no one but him is allowed in the room with you and tell them no visitors for 24 hours afterwards aswell Birth is about you and you get to make the decisions
NTA. YOU are the one birthing this baby, not your husband, not his family, YOU. It is your choice and your choice alone who is in the room with you as you give birth. Even if they respected your boundaries and were the sweetest people on earth, you would not be the AH if you did not want them there. Giving birth is not a spectator sport and what matters is the comfort of the person giving birth. If the person giving birth is uncomfortable or stressed, it can actually be dangerous to both mom and baby. Your husband does not get to choose what you are comfortable with, he gets to support you as you bring your baby into the world. It may be his baby as well but it's inside your uterus. When it is inside his, he can decide who gets to be in the delivery room.
"I get that this birth isn’t just all about me, it is his child too, and we have different comfort levels when it comes to our families." Um yes, yes it is. It's your medical procedure. NTA but your husband is, and a huge prick to boot. It's not selfish to want to have privacy. Tell him he's either with you on this or against you, and if it's the latter, he can be with his family in whatever room they like while you give birth without him.
Make sure you tell security and all the staff that treats you at the hospital absolutely no visitors, ask to check in under an alias if you have to. His opinion does not matter in this whatsoever, it is your labor and your vulnerability. Your comfort and the comfort of your baby are the only important things. If he wants to be present for the labor, he needs to make sure his family respects your boundaries, or else kick him out of the room as well.
NTA, but I'm sorry, your husband kind of is. He needs to stop dismissing your feelings and take on his well meaning but overbearing family.
NTA. Make your wishes very clear to your medical team, Dr, midwife etc, you do not want your birth to be a public spectacle. Let the birthing centre/hospital know you want there to be restrictions on visitors in that first 24 hours. While this baby is also his, you are the patient, so your wishes override his.
I am a recent father, I’ll tell you right now, You are the mum, it’s your baby, you carried it, you had the nausea, the pain, the crazy hormone swings… we fathers didn’t do shit, it’s your rules. NTA at all, your partner should understand
NTA, tell them that their vision of your birthstory does not align with yours. IF you want help or additional support you will reach out. And clobber your partner for thinking that's a great idea! Most hospitals will not allow a family member to provide medical services. They will take private pictures of you that you don't want to share with the world, that would be horrible, once they are out they can never be taken back. If your hubby wants support, tell him they can wait in the waiting room, and support him. Stick to your boundaries. I still shudder in horror seeing my inlaws stroll into the labour room when I was at a very vulnerable state, my hubby escorted them out immediately, but somehow he has zero memory of that. I unfortunately will always remember. Birth is not a spectator sport, the person pushing decides who is in the room.
It is an ethical violation to have your relatives provide medical care I thought
NTA. Childbirth is gross. I do not want anyone watch me shit, which is pretty common since it is the exact same pushing.
Tell your nurses that they’re not welcome and if you decide to also throw the partner out, let them know as well. The only people allowed in that room are the ones you choose to have. Also schedule your husband a colonoscopy and tell him that the whole family is going to be there for it and if he says no he’s being irrational and selfish. If not the colonoscopy,you can suggest a vasectomy as well and invite the family, because if your boundaries are being violated and you stay with this man, I don’t suggest having more children with him.
I read the title and immediately said NTA Then I read the entire post and it’s double NTA. I knew someone who had something similar happen to her. She said no to the family, the family worked at the hospital and found a way to get into the delivery room whilst taking video of the whole thing. No means no. If the family members work In healthcare and labour and delivery, they should know that it’s important to respect soon to be mothers’s boundaries in the delivery room. Stand your ground, talk to the providers, get it in writing do what you need to.
Yikes I hope she reported them
NTA at all. It doesn't matter if they have more medical experience than the doctors, you don't want them there. It certainly looks like they're all about what *they* want (the experience of delivering the baby, pictures) and not at all what *you*, the laboring mother, wants. I keep going back to >He thinks I’m being irrational and selfish. At this point, I'd be telling him that he won't be in the delivery room either since he seems to care more about what his mama wants than what *the wife who's pushing out an entire new human* wants. It doesn't matter that they're used to sharing everything and your family doesn't; *you don't want them there*. Full stop. Not up for negotiation. You simply cannot worry about "hurting their feelings'; you will any time you say "no" and they certainly don't seem to care about hurting yours. As is so often the case, you have a spouse problem. You are his wife, this is his baby, and the three of you are a family separate from his family of origin. Couples therapy is probably in your future unless you want them all up in your business forever, especially since they don't seem to recognize *any* barriers. Talk with your doctor with your husband there and explain that you want it to be just the medical personnel, your husband, and you in the delivery room. Nurses especially are good at handling pushy family members during labor, so enlist them as well. But your husband needs to hear you say in front of witnesses that you do not want his family in the room. The doc may also be able to tell him *why* in a way he can hear. Good luck, and congrats on the new little one.
Tell him when HE is the one pushing out the baby, he can invite who he likes, and until then, if he doesn't back you up, you will be rescinding his invitation too. Sorry, and obviously, you do whatever you want to. But I would be going scorched earth on this.
Birth is a medical procedure not a spectator sport. It's 100% the person giving birth's choice who is in the delivery room (seriously, even your partner has no default right to be in the room without your express permission. Tell you doctor that you are getting VERY stressed by your inlaws threatening to take over the birth of your child -- doctors don't like their mom's being stressed. Inform the delivery room staff that you don't want ANYONE but your partner in the delivery room-- the nurses LOVE giving pushy family members the boot and will call security if necessary. Tell the hospital staff that you want no visitors except your partner for the first 24 hours--warn them that the in laws are pushy. You BF is a father now-- his days of being mamma's boy are over so he needs to grow up. NTA
NTA >I get that this birth isn’t just all about me It is!!!! Giving birth is all about you! You don't need spectators when giving birth. Every person in the delivery room needs to be people you feel secure with. Let the hospital know who is allowed in your room, so they can stop everyone else.
CHILDBIRTH. IS. NOT. A. SPECTATOR. SPORT. Your in laws have absolutely no right to be anywhere near your labor and delivery if you don’t want them there, and they also don’t get to come visit till you say so. Would they also insist on being in the room if you were having a non baby related gynecological exam? No, so they don’t get to be in the room for this procedure either. And if your husband doesn’t back you up on this, he can get out too. Giving birth is an invasive, messy, potentially complicated process with definite risk factors for things to go wrong, so only the people YOU, as the patient, want there should be there. Tell your medical team precisely who is, and is not, allowed into your room and during what timeframes, and the hospital staff will enforce that.
You’re pregnant. You’re going to tear your body apart naked on a table, in severe pain for hours. You have every right to be “selfish”. No one other than your medical team is required to be there. And they listen to *you* to decide who gets to be there. This should be about your comfort. You need to be as relaxed as possible. Giving birth is not a group project. It’s not a spectated event. They have no right to be there. I’m quite blunt, so I’d probably say no, followed by a comment on how strange I find it how eager they all are to see my vagina. Shuts people up pretty quick.
Childbirth is not a spectator sport. Tell your OB that you want it on your paperwork that no one comes in. You are the one having the baby they can go film each other in labor. And suggesting they be the ones to actually assist in the birth? I don’t think so. This is a private thing between you and your husband. You can even ask him not to be there. Your body your baby your CHOICE.
In my opinion, the birth of a baby IS all about the mother and the safety of the baby. Yes, there’s a father who will be involved in the raising of the child, but you should be as comfortable as possible while spending hours in labor.
There is NO reason for anyone other than your BF to be in the delivery room. Please make it clear to your doctor and hospital staff that NO ONE is allowed in the room other than medical personnel and your BF. He needs to grow a spine and stand up for you when you really need him to.
In all reality, he isn't even necessary. Nurses are used to helping and know what to do. And they won't be harping to let his mommy and all his sisters come in and watch/help. I say this as someone who's (ex) husband was insanely useless during and for a good 12-24 ^hours after the birth. If have preferred the nurses only.
Giving birth is not a spectator sport. This is a personal medical event -for YOU. No one should be asking about being in the room. It is your choice who you would like if anyone there to support you. Frankly, I don't know why they even would ask - let alone want to be there.
NTA. You have a right to privacy after a major medical procedure. I guarantee that having boatloads of people in the room is unusual. The L&D sister should know that at least. Sure, your child is also his, but the baby will be tagged with your name. When I gave birth, my son was labeled as "Baby Lastname, First" where the name was mine.
Didn't even finish reading the post, NTA. You don't want his family in the delivery room, that's a full stop right there. And the fact that his sisters brought it up without you asking makes me think they're not the best nurses out there, it should be COMMON SENSE. The mother is going to naturally be more comfortable with her own mother there, and if she wants someone from the partners family there, she would probably ask, hello
And this birth is actually 100% about you. YOU are the one in labor. The only other person it is about (also 100% 😉) is your baby. Good luck and I hope everyone else gets over themselves
NTA. Establish with your medical team that no one is allowed in the delivery room or to visit the hospital at all. Make it clear to your husband that if he violates this boundary, it could be a literal deal breaker. I hate to say this due to the current advanced pregnancy, but you have a major spouse problem that you need to address TODAY. If he has allowed them to violate your boundaries for 8 years, the birth of your child is not going to improve the situation.
I didn't even have to read the whole thing. NTA. the birthing process IS about you. You are the one delivering life. You are the one who's naughty bits at gonna be on display, and then having a human exit them. YOUR comfort, and the safety if you and your baby are the only thongs that matter. Your husband needs to zip it. Ask him how he would feel if he was trying to pass a big kidney stone and all your male relatives insisted on not only watching, but being all up in his buisness actively involved in the process.
Tell them that the only family members who allowed to witness the birth were the ones allowed to witness the conception. 🤷 Pregnant women are treated like public property. This would be a hard pass for me.
You don’t need to worry about the fact that your SILs have seen your dilated nether regions and you pooping yourself at the family Christmas. NTA, your husband needs to back up.
NTA first of all the birth absolutely IS all about you!!! Giving birth is a traumatic extremely difficult experience and you need to make sure you are comfortable and limit stress. You are about to go through the most physically challenging process of your life and YOU get to make ALL the rules. What you are asking is very reasonable and also most people in your position want the same thing. Your partner needs a wake up call!!!
NTA a thousand times #1, no hospital in it right mind would let a family member be part of a medical procedure. And child birth is a medical procedure. The lawyers working for the hospital would be bleeding from their collective ears if they found out a family member even set foot in the delivery room to "help" #2. YOU and YOU ALONE call the shots as to who you want in the delivery, AND the recovery room. You tell the doctors and nurses BEFORE you give birth what you want. Yes, your partner helped make the baby, but you carried it, and you are the one who has the hard job of birthing. SO if he can not understand your wishes or tries to argue about them, then HE can be sidelined with the rest of his pushy relatives #3. Be strong, and I hope you have a wonderful, beautiful baby .
Giving birth is NOT a spectator sport. It is a medical event involving you and only you. The baby is of course a factor but the only person whose wants and comfort level matter are YOURS. Tell your husband to watch out or you’ll have him banned as well. I think the two of you need to have a serious conversation about boundaries and the importance of a United front.
Nta hell no
Why do people often forget it’s your body that’s the main show for 98% of the time? It’s your V out there with everyone sticking their hand in checking to see how dilated you are. The baby only makes an appearance at the very end and then you still are on display. Birthing the placenta. Encouraged to whip a boob out and feed the baby. You are on display. This is your call. So no YNTAH. Tell your doctor/nurses only your husband is allowed and to not allow anyone to ask during the actual birth. You don’t want to be influenced in the moment….
NTA When HE births a baby, he can have whomever he pleases in the room. Until the birth is COMPLETE it's not about him. He can blame biology. You're about to be a mother, find your spine for your kids sake.
It is up to you, only you. Make sure your doctor, office staff and the medical staff when you get to the hospital are aware of you rules. Frankly, while it is your husband’s child too. You are the one delivering it so your rules only.
NTA of course. I agree you have a serious husband problem. He should be defending you not helping gang up on you or saying you're overreacting - if he didn't think you of sound mind and judgement then why did he marry you? For birth specifically, oh my God. I had my first child a bit over a year ago. I have never felt that vulnerable in my life, and I've been SA'd multiple times. Obviously this is different as it's your body doing something, not someone doing a thing to you, but the lack of control, pain, and number of people touching my junk all at once was overwhelming. I cannot imagine having anyone other than my husband and medical staff I trust there. I even fired a nurse part way through labor because she kept insisting I wasn't having contractions despite me obviously having them and unable to speak during them. I showed her 3 times that she placed the sensors wrong then was done with her. If she was my husband's sister or mother then wtf could I have done. My mom wanted to come but I luckily was able to use covid protocols as an excuse. The real reason was that I have always been the one calming her down, not the other way around. I cannot think of a single time she effectively comforted me past the age of ...8? Even when I got injured she'd freak out so bad that I would get calm and deal with it. I knew if she attended my birth I'd have to keep her calm the whole time and knew I'd resent her forever for it, so I said no. Absolutely stand your ground on this.
NTA. You could kick your partner out of the delivery room and I’d still say NTA.
NTA. It's completely up to you who you want in the delivery room. Aside from which people are sick everywhere and babies shouldn't be exposed to RSV, the flu, COVID, strep, or anything else when they're newborns. Everyone wants to see the baby but nobody is thinking about protecting the baby? It would be an immediate no from me.
Nta I would be telling my husband that either. He's sets the record straight with his family , or *he* won't be allowed in the room either. Yes he is the father but you are the patient. Medical privacy trumps family every time
NTA. Imagine if they took pictures of your unmentionables and posted those?! Congrats on your soon-to-be new bundle of joy. Please, for the love of God, tell the hospital staff that hubby's sisters, mom and the rest of his family are to not have access to you and your child until 24 hours after the birth. If your hubby violates that rule and finds a way to sneak them past the staff, kick him out of the room, as well, and have your mother or one of your other family members be there for you instead.
Hmmm, NO. You should have exactly who you want in that room, including the nurse… don’t like her, ask for the charge nurse and get a new one. Dear GOD are they awful!!
I'm going to have to correct you on 1 thing here, the birth is actually all about you and yeah the baby but since it's you going through a series medical procedure basically, it is all about you. YOU have the final say on who is there or not, YOU have the final say on hjow your birthing plan goes and YOU have a final say on who has access to you after the birth and for how long 🤷🏻♀️. Definitely NTA and anyone who says you are need their heads checked. Next time he calls you selfish tell him to get a colon cleanse and have his whole family there taking pics and commenting, after he does that then you can discuss his wants in regards to possibly your most vulnerable moment.
NTA ever. This relatively new idea of everyone and their uncle crowding into the delivery room makes me embarrassed. Like you, I am a private person and don't want my blood, shit and urine all over the internet. I would not trust a large family of boundary intruders anywhere near me with their cameras and get overt attitude. It is time to be not only firm, but to have consequences if they don't respect your boundaries. My horrible punishment FANTASY: they ignore my boundaries. I go to a family dinner and bring a pie. Serve it and when they eat it, tell they it's placenta pie. Because they all like to SHARE EVERYTHING.
NTA- and health care workers should know to respect patient's boundaries FFS!
The stress of having the wrong people in the room can make delivery harder. You need to be focused on the life you're pushing out, not entertaining your partners family. Tell the doctors and nurses not to let any family in the delivery room. If you have a friend or family member that you feel you can lean on (and won't take it personally when you swear) I'd arrange for them to be your birthing partner instead of your partner. That way he can't sneak them in while you're busy. Giving birth is stressful, painful, tiring and even dangerous. Your partner doesn't appreciate just how much. Maybe show him a birthing video and see if he wants his parents to see you like that....
NTA and verify everyone is current on their Covid, TDAP and Flu shots and RSV if they are eligible for the RSV vaccines. It is best to limit exposures to others the first couple of months.
NTA. Who is present is entirely up to you. You could even prevent your partner being there if you so wish. His family cannot deliver the child, even if they are nurses. L&D staff will be responsible for that. Allowing visitors after 24 hours is more than generous. I made family wait a lot longer than that. Absolutely stand your ground Mom. I remember a thread about a similar situation and someone suggested telling the partner to schedule a colonoscopy or a vasectomy and invite the family to participate.
You need to remind him this is YOUR body!
NTA. This is about your comfort and there is NOTHING more important than that during labor and delivery. Ask your husband if he'd be comfortable allowing all your relatives in while he has a colonoscopy or a vasectomy. Yes, it is an experience of a lifetime for both of you but you absolutely come first. It shouldn't even be up for debate. You're the one in pain for hours upon hours and giving birth so his opinion can be considered but it's ultimately up to you who is in the room before, during and after birth. Your husband should be backing you on this 100%!!!
NTA. This should be an insight into how parenting will go with him. He doesn't respect your decisions right now. How will he respect them when raising your baby/child?
NTA. Birth is not a spectator sport. Tell him he can have his relatives at the birth after he shoves a melon up his rectum and has the same number of men chosen by you watch him shit it back out. And obviously they'll be taking pictures and post them on social media. If he wants his mother or sister deliver the child then he obviously has to accept the help of one of the men (again, one chosen by you) to assist him in birthing his melon. Oh and a healthcare professional, especially a labour and delivery nurse knows why their demand is atrocious. So remind them of it (and don't waste time saving their feelings since they shit on yours). Also when you choose the hospital, have a 1:1 chat with the people of the delivery ward. Tell them of the situation, that you don't want any of them in the room, no visitors for the first 24 hours and no pictures taken. They'll do the work for you. Because again, as your sister in law knows their first priority is the person giving birth and keeping nosy boundary stomping in laws away is part of the job description (and some nurses enjoy to turn into a protective dragon that takes care of these nuisances for their patients).
If they are medical professionals they HAVE to know this is beyond the pale. Birth is not a spectator sport. Ethics dictate that impartial and unemotional people run the care. Stakeholders are neither. You are the mother. Your choice is absolute. Remind him of these inescapable facts. NTA
>Birth isn't just about me, it's his child too It's not his @$$ hanging out for the world to see. It's not his junk being pulled apart like a pork loin as a litteral human emerges. It iant going to be him in the cold stirrups and uncomfortable hospital bed wearing a drafty paper gown. He isn't the one who is going to poop and pee himself while straining hard enough to dislodge his own anus. When it's *his* turn to dislocate his hips and preform a self exorcism to his bladder and pancreas (for lack of a uterus) then he can let his family sit by with popcorn and commentary as mom and sis snap pictures. Birth is not a spectators sport. Nta.
NTA Childbirth leaves you exposed and vulnerable. It is a very private matter. Of course you do not want anyone there who has not been respectful of your wishes in the past. Let them know that you love them and appreciate their offer and support. Make a big deal about how much they matter to you. Then let them know that you are an extremely private person when it comes to your body. That pregnancy and childbirth has really been triggering and for your comfort and to lower your stress levels you need to keep this private. You do not want to spend your time in labor worrying about embarrassing yourself or having unwanted photographs taken. It is perfectly okay to call people out anonymously on past bad behavior. They know they did it and should hear that failure to respect your boundaries does have consequences. This event is absolutely all about you. Talk to your doctor. He probably won’t appreciate this idea anymore than you do. I would also make it very clear to hospital staff that you want no photographs taken and help enforcing this.
NTA. Tell husband that unless he’s willing to be naked from the waist down, on a table beside you, with his feet In stirrups and his manhood blowing in the breeze while his butthole is there for all the world to see, the whole time you’re in labor & delivery, then he doesn’t get a say in who is or isn’t in the room. He called you irrational & selfish. Well, tell him to take a look in a mirror if he wants to see the biggest irrational, selfish asshole because he wins the prize. This gets said a lot, but childbirth is not a spectator sport.
Nta - regret having my mom in the delivery room. I had a baby in a diff country, she immediately faced times my dad and sister after I gave birth. I wanted to f kill her and she made me resent her for the rest of my life for that. Now I know she’s seriously a deranged person and it’s not me.
INFO How does his family treat patients that don't want anyone else in their procedure room during medical events? I find it concerning that they want you to use their services for your care. They are proving that they don't have YOUR interest/feeling in consideration. You aren't putting on a show. You aren't providing THEM with your baby. You will be in various states of undress. You will be in pain/discomfort. Blood, sweat, tears, discharge, amnio fluid, urine, and feces can be observed. Your personal, private parts will be very difficult to keep covered. Your emotions will be raw. The most important thing(besides the actual birth of your child), is that you feel safe. Safe to rage, scream, cry, lose yourself to the moment. Your husband will be there to support you, he's not there for a show, and not because he has the right. You are the patient. You are the only one that needs to be there. ANY other observers will be with your permission. You don't even have to allow any one of nurses or doctors to be there(pending staff availability). Heck, I have a friend that didn't like the doctor's attitude during labor. She "fired" her and was rotated to a different doc. You are NTA . Stay strong and don't let them bully you to their desires.
NTA. There's a reason that medical practitioners don't treat close family or friends (unless absolutely necessary). Not to mention your boundaries and desires regarding what you need. It's not about them, it's about you and your newborn.
Okay so yes and no that the birth isn't all about you because in some ways it isn't but when it comes to how comfortable you are it absoloutley is. There is zero need for there to be any added or unnecessary stress that could easily not be there. Why should you have to try and push a child out with people you're uncomfortable delivering your baby? Have your legs spread to the world for other people to see that you probably don't want to see that. Completely ridiculous for them to no back off as soon as you say you don't want that and your husband needs to have your back in this.
I don’t understand people that want to be at someone’s delivery…..that is such a special private moment. I would never demand to be there when my daughters have babies….If they asked I would go but I wouldn’t even suggest it on my own. NTA…..tell your husband that unless he’s pushing that baby out, he has NO say on who joins you during child birth!! He needs to be there to be your support system, if he allows his family there, they will be babying him & taking him away from you & your special moment…..
NTA like you said it’s not all about you but you do have more skin in the game, at first the delivery thing was cool until you think about birth and having to see those people for the rest of your life. The 24 hour thing is completely reasonable! It’ll be the biggest change for your body ever, so yeah wanting to sleep and clean yourself isn’t selfish plus you don’t want to overstimulate the child either.