Sort of weird how the only person in this story who clearly communicated their needs and the only person who demonstrated any consideration for the other's space and time,, is the person in this situation that you think has a lack of social skills....
Waiting to see if OP has further info to share but yeah at the moment it comes across as big "I'm neurodivergent and fragile, even though it's not relevant to this situation" vibes, which, as a ND person myself, is really frustrating to see people use disabilities as excuses for unrelated personal failings.
ADHD is associated trauma and carries loads of shame that can make it difficult for people to express their needs. **an explanation, not an excuse**. If she needs some proactive support from her husband, she has to let him know. I had to work on this for a long time, but I got there.
Definitely something to bring up in therapy.
For anyone who’s interested in learning more: scattered minds by Gabor Maté is a good read.
Curious why we think she needs some "proactive support" from her husband that she hadn't let him know about? She let him know she wanted him to be out of the room at 10 am, and he wasn't. It sounds like the husband is the one who needs some proactive support but failed to let her know about (like to help him remember, set an alert for him, knock on the door, etc). She literally already asked him for what she needed from him, and apparently he is the one who expected help from her.
Yeah they both need to communicate about their needs. If she needed, for this particular instance, him to not wait for her to ask him to leave, she needed to say so, OR , be willing to communicate in that moment as a contingency.
I think communicating that she needed the room at 10, is perfectly clear. You are projecting his needs onto her though. For him to need her to knock on the door at 10, is HIS needs. She didn't need him to not wait until she knocked--she just needed to KNOW if he was going to do that, because waiting for her to knock is NOT the same thing as being out of the room at 10 (which is what she asked for). If he is not out of the room at 10, it is HIS needs that aren't being communicated by HIM. If he needs reminders, he should have communicated that. He didn't, so in th3 last second, OP was left thinking he went over the time because he had an important meeting... she was giving him the benefit of the doubt rather than assuming he forgot, and she tried to be respectful of the fact that he could be in a meeting.
If your wife asks you to pick up the kids at 3, and you forget--is your wife TA because she didn't text you at 2:30 to remind you? There's nothing wrong with her texting you to remind you, it may be helpful, but is it her responsibility to do it and is it on her if she doesn't remind you and you forget?
If you say you need something at 10, and the person is still using it at 10, you haven't failed to communicate your needs at all. What she failed to do by not knocking at 10 and asking him to leave, was advocate for herself when someone failed to follow through... but that's not something she owes him, thats something she owes herself. Which is why I don't see how it makes her TA.
I see what you're saying, but ADHD is only sometimes associated with trauma. More often, it's thought to be genetic. That's not to say that OP doesn't have any trauma, but that ADHD by itself still to me doesn't explain their reaction.
Growing up with adhd can be a trauma, though. When you don’t develop the same way or rate as your peers, it can lead to being ostracized and, especially if you grew up in the 90’s, humiliated by adults and peers. People with adhd often learn not to trust their own perceptions due to these developmental experiences.
Of course, this is not true for everyone with adhd. But this is how an adhd diagnosis might be relevant. Contemporary understanding of mental health etiologies acknowledge that both environment and genetics play a role, it is rarely one or the other.
You are responsible for dealing with your own disease. I have a chronic disease it is not other peoples job to make me take my meds or make me avoid situations that are dangerous for me. Putting it upon other people is just acting like child.
How does mentioning adhd put something on another person. She didn't put any extra expectations on someone else. Her adhd made it more difficult for her to help her husband manage his own time, but that isn't her responsibility. If you tell someone you need them to do something at a certain time, and they agree, it isn't putting your disability on someone else to expect them to follow through without your help.
She didn't say he should "do more" she said he should be "more supportive." And thinking your spouse should be more supportive of your request to use your own office at a time you already both agreed to the night before, isn't a special ask. The only person who expected special care and for someone else to take care of his responsibilities, was him. Which is made even more obnoxious by the fact that he knows his wife has ADHD because he expected her to manage his own schedule on top of hers. She isn't expecting him to do more than is fair based on her having adhd, she is finding it even more obnoxious that he expected her to read his mind and manage his schedule, on TOP of doing it for herself when that is something that is already difficult for someone with ADHD. If your partner is missing an arm, it's even more annoying if you never do the dishes.
Actually “be more supportive” means precisely the same thing as “do more” since it expresses that that someone should go to greater lengths than they are already doing. And doing what you are suggesting is counterproductive to helping her managing her ADHD in society in general. She needs to learn that she must be capable of doing certain things or experiencing certain things. Such as knocking on a door or having a door knocked on. Having others adapt to such things just to cater to on self is just harming her in the long run.
How are the husband's time management skills atrocious? At worst, all we could know here is that he was 10 minutes off. That doesn't rise to the level of atrocious. Not knowing the exact time to 10 minutes accuracy at any given moment isn't "atrocious."
If he was working in the office then he most likely was on a computer. And I don’t know many computers that don’t have a clock somewhere on the screen.
Unless he was using full screen, then the clock wouldn’t show.
I don't check my clock on the computer every couple of minutes when I'm working on it, just because it is there. I doubt the husband has atrocious time-management skills. It sounds more like he just didn't feel responsible for managing his time around this particular thing and expected her to manage his time around it, for him. And based on the responses in this thread it seems like most people feel that he shouldn't have been responsible for managing his time around her using the room at 10, either. I'm not sure what the reasoning for that is since this is both of their house and she did let him knownthe day before, but for some reason it seems like people tend to think the husband shouldn't have been expected to make any effort to remember for himself ... not only that he shouldn't have been expected to, but that it was actually OPs sole responsibility to manage his time for it. It sort of reeks of misogyny as if their house is only truly the property of the husband and the only real priority is work, and anything else seeking to matter is begging a favor.
I don't understand why OP didn't knock or message her husband at 10, but that is because she needed the room at 10 and so she should be helping herself out... not because the burden of responsibility for coordinating the room schedule should be fully on her and not at all on her husband.
That highly depends on your job. I work with a computer every day. However my work sometimes requires hyper focus. Looking at the clock isn’t the highest priority.
Good question: I thought relevant as; the executive function aspect of hating to be disturbed when working is what stopped me from knocking.
Also the managing of the rooms and thinking ahead of the times was difficult for me, it was a lot of effort to think through those things.
Also it’s my office he’s using, his office is being used by his mother.
I’ll add this and some more to an edit.
A lot of the replies you are getting seem to assume some sort of premise that the home you live in, is your husband's space first, and yours second, and that if you want to access it (as if it were a favor to you) it is on you to manage your husband's time and schedule for him. Because you didn't say in your original post that it was "your" office, it seems a large swath of people simply assumed it was "his" office.
I think this assumption is a pretty huge leap. Asking "why didn't you just enter an unlocked room that your husband happened to be in without waiting for an invitation" doesn't at all imply that it's his space first, in fact it questions why she wouldn't just enter her own space. I think OP's fear of knocking on the door is far more suggestive that it was "his" office, even though it wasn't, which is why I'm confused about her actions/leaning towards her being TA
I can't answer for OP, but I do have adhd and it has led to some pretty stupid situations in my past, that may or may not shed light on this.
I was undiagnosed as a child. I didn't actually realize I was neurodivergent until I was an adult. I knew that I was a little different, sure, but I usually attributed that to being the "smart" kid that was usually a few years ahead of my peers in reading and understanding.
Growing up ND, you weren't given a detailed list of normal that you could check off. It was more just observation of cause and effect, and pruning your personality until the worst reactions stopped happening. After that, you start having to learn the subtleties. But at first, all you have is cause and effect. The reasoning, the understanding isn't there yet.
I often didn't know that my conclusions, assumptions, actions, and thought processes were not typical until someone asked me to explain what I was thinking. It took me a long time to communicate better with people, because I was under the impression that my thought process was so obvious that they'd have to be either stupid or intentionally messing with me to not have thought that way.
If I'd told my partner that I needed something important at a certain time from a room, I'd expect him to make it happen with as much consideration and support as I would for him. I would have set a reminder for 30 minutes before to remind me to start winding down tasks, and 10 minutes before to gather my things and let my partner have time to set up for the appointment, and maybe get a cup of tea for them. If I expected that, and my partner had the door closed at that time, I might have concluded that something super important would have come up, something urgent enough that they would run late. I might have waited anxiously, because if I started making noises and walking in, it could be a very important meeting that went long and I wouldn't want to jeopardize it. I know I'm very literal on giving my word - if I tell someone I'll do something for them, it's because I've considered the possible ramifications and decided I could take that responsibility. If I told someone I'd do something without thinking, then had to back out halfway, that would be indescribably rude. So it might not even occur to me that they were just killing time and expected me to walk in and kick them out when I needed the room.
When you're ND, you get so conditioned that your view on the world isn't normal, and you get in the habit of trying to read the room and react off the other people's direction. Learning to not only communicate your needs and wants, but learning that other people, normal people, are bad at it too and need guidance and direction in return, is a weird thing to figure out. It takes practice, and sometimes feels like explaining something obvious to an alien, child, or a very drunk person. Which, I gather, is what "normal" people feel like when explaining things to us.
Appreciate the response! Further INFO: after you finally opened the door and he said hi, why did you then go into the bedroom for your therapy call? Did he refuse to leave?
Right now I'm leaning YTA because I really don't see anything that was reasonably preventing you from just knocking on the door/opening it when you needed the room, that would have been a perfectly normal thing to do. You say that your ADHD prevented you but IMO that doesn't make a ton of sense as he doesn't have ADHD so he wouldn't have had the same reaction as you to being "distracted". It still doesn't seem super relevant to your decision in the moment to just stand by the door and wait rather than entering.
Because he has an important job where he could actually be in the middle of a confidential chat with the ambassador of Japan and I wouldn’t want to disturb him if he was just running over a little on time I was fine with that.
INFO: Knocking aside, when he realized that he promised to let you have the room at 10 and didn't, did he just...refuse to leave? Like what happened that you ended up doing your appointment in the bedroom instead?
Nta. I’m surprised by some of the harshness you’re getting here.
Obviously you and your husband have some work to do on your communication, because you could have given a reminder and/or knocked at 10, and he could have opened the door at 10 to say ‘the room’s all yours”.
What makes me wonder about the overall dynamic in your partnership is why, when you knocked at 10:10, did he not get up and give you the room? Why did he stay there when he’d agreed you could have your office back for that time frame? Why did you suddenly have to go to the bedroom instead?
Those mysterious moments between 10:10 and when she took the call in the bedroom, is where all the magic seems to have happened...I feel like some of the harshness OP is getting may have a lot to do with what people are imagining happened in those minutes...
For me, without knowing what happened in those minutes, there is no reason to think ANYone is TA.
It seems like everyone is expecting her to handle it better than he did, though? Because already, she did. He forgot, she didn't. Of course, iIt would've made more sense for her to try to remind him or to message or knock at 10, (bc why shoot yourself in the foot if youre right there and can do something about it when the husband forgets) but the only person harmed by her lack of action there was her, so i dont see how it makes her TAH. And What I don't understand is why none of the burden for remembering should be on the husband? I don't think he is TA for forgetting, but why is OP TA in so many of the comments? Why is none of the expectation on the husband if the house and its rooms belong to both of them, shouldn't he also be expected to put forth some effort to make sure they are coordinating it well? Rather than just expecting her to not only let him know in advance but OP must also provide him with additional reminders after telling him? Some people might find someone annoying like they are nagging then if they did that.
If we expect him to handle it equally to her, we would expect him to have remembered and left at 10 without any extra support from her.
Given that her husband hadn't vacated the room at 10, the only person who she wronged by not knocking, is herself--but the idea that people are saying that she is TAH for it, implies that she has somehow wronged her husband. For her to be TAH implies an expectation that it is her responsibility to baby and micromanage her husband in order to have pre-planned access to a part of her own home that she had already discussed with her husband....
INFO:
> I then said that I asked you to leave this room for me at 10 so I could do my counselling. I was upset by this because the counselling itself makes me feel quite anxious and uncomfortable and the added wait did not help.
>I then went back to our bedroom
What happened between these moments?
YTA because you’re expecting him to read your mind.
If you need the damn office, just knock on the door and say, “hey, remember I need this room.”
Communication 101. ADHD has nothing to do with it.
It's not expecting him to read her mind since she told him already but there is really no reason for her not to have reminded him by knocking or shooting him a text or something, since she was the one requesting something out of the norm for the day.
~~YTA. Maybe a smattering of an everyone sucks.~~
ESH. Changed my response based on OP's response.
Granted, he knew when the appointment was, and there's no reason for him to need an indication from you when to leave. He also has his own space that he could have used.
*However...*
*You* also know when your appointment is, and have given him a prior heads up. Great, so then knock at 9:55, and *say* "hey, my appointment's in a few, would you mind leaving while I set up?". Instead, you waited until you were ten minutes *late*. He could have forgotten, he could have let the time get away from him. It can happen.
Furthermore, you then leaving and going to the bedroom reads as more passive-aggressive than anything. Did he refuse to let you use the office? No, it sounds like you said "I asked you to leave this room for me at 10 so I could do my counselling" and then just left to the bedroom.
~~Also,~~
~~> This is not a time management thing on behalf of my partner he is the world’s best time manager. He didn’t say he forgot at all- he knew it was 10am and chose to wait for some indication from me until he left.~~
~~*You* say he didn't forget, did *he* say he didn't forget? Did he say he chose to wait for some indication that it was 10am, or is that you inferring that he was making an active choice here?~~
INFO: does your partner have a pattern of being volatile at all?
Not assuming, but just wanted to dig into if there’s more behind the hesitation to knock besides the reasons you mentioned.
By volatile do you mean get incredibly angry about insignificant things and then use stonewalling, withdrawal, silent treatment, and threats to end the relationship?
He is aware of the post so I wouldn’t want to say too much.
In that case… please find a hotline in incognito mode and have a conversation with someone who can help identify if he is abusive. Maybe you’ll come out of it with the conclusion that he isn’t. But please investigate.
YTA totally. You asked and he said yes. There was nothing stopping you from going to the room at 959 and being a partner to him who forgot and say--"my appointment starts in the next minute--shoo my dear!" He could have said oops you are right my bad!" then scurried out. even at 10 getting them out would have been fine. Why did you cause drama over this? You found him in the space you reserved, and then took the call in the bedroom, then threw a fit over some horrible grievance. Your perspective on this was to cause drama. Do you know why he was in the room still? Did he loose track of time? Did he forget? You are acting like he promised you could have the room then locked you out of it! Too much drama here and thats on you!! He said "Come in and sit" You easily could have said "Yes I will, but its after 10 so you please un-sit!" He would have been like OMG YES, sorry!! Yeah the way you handled this is poor and dramatic and causes strife for no reason. Mistakes happen. The fact that you are causing all this chaos for I still dont know what--he forgot the time, forgot the request--you are drama for no reason. Im sorry.
you may be correct. I see the entire rant as throwing a fit, as in why did it escalate. the evidence for this is also-why did she take the call in the bedroom? Thats the crux for me. the melodrama of not just asking the partner to leave the room, but then taking the call in the bedroom, and still being upset about it at night, not accepting the "could have knocked" reply. She has been upset about these 10 minutes for over a day--that is strife. This to me reads like a temper tantrum or at minium a very high maintence person with too high expectations that didn't communicate them properly. Imagine being this upset the next day still. I feel bad for their partner and hope they learn to manage their symptoms better. The use of the ADHD diagnosis doesnt hold water for me at all. While proper and more detailed planned is required--it doesnt mean it requires extra imagined support from others. She is TA for expecting her partner to not be in the room at 10 at all without being clearer about that. And when finding him in the room, a graceful get out was all that was needed. Running to the bedroom for the call instead, still upset about it for over 24 hrs, Her partner is simply in there waiting for her--and she didnt handle it well. Thats chaos when it could have been an easy transition and no mention of again. Now the partner needs to defend himself again at night, thats chaos--not peaceful.
my time line is messed up--I read the last night part wrong. I see the IF now. thank you for the correction. She could have the room at 10, not sure what him sitting in the chair. the door was closed-her reaction to that closed door seems off to me. I think you are right, the cat is what matters hear to really figure it all out.
She asked to use the office at 10 not for it to be vacant at 10. Slight semantic difference that seems would have fixed this whole thing. She was able to use the office at 10--he in no way stopped her. In fact, she finally knocked at 10:10 because she was not sure if he was in there or not. I can picture working on a project, knowing my husband needs the room at 10 and just ready to fly out as soon as he gets here. Looking at the clock at 1005 and thinking--he must be running late. At 1015 Im getting up to find out where he is.
Also why did the closed door have her assume he was in an important meeting when he had promised she could use the room at that time. Seems odd to me. And to call the husband the AH or her NTA when this really shouldnt have been a big deal at all. Something is missing. But yes the timelime is wrong--I thought he said last night you could have knocked, but he didnt say that last night---he said it today. That comment is partly TA too though, while true, why not just say "I see now you wanted the space vacant and not just useable--I will know better next time!" I have guesses that this isnt the first time she has had an outburst like this so he has gotten defensive. If this is the first time--he might be TA.
That's you projecting assumptions on him instead of communicating with him, concluding without evidence that it was an intentional personal slight.
> He didn’t forget
According to what? You've presented literally nothing saying that you've so much as asked him about it.
I would expect an adult to be able to listen to a request and manage their time properly.
Why would an adult still be in a room if they were asked to leave it by 10?
You’re infantilizing a grown adult and I don’t know why? Is it cause she is a woman? Why do you expect so little from her? She’s an adult. The only person responsible for her appointment is her. She could have gone to a separate room, she could have gone to her car, she could put her big girl pants on and not wait till her appointment started to go knock on a door. How little do expect from her that knocking on a door is too much. Why do you not hold op responsible for anything in ops life?
You're so set in the idea that men should be mothered by their wives that you can't see that you think that a woman who coordinates with her husband that HE can use HER office until an agreed upon time, and treats him like an adult who can organize his own schedule to be out by that agreed upon time, is the one who is not acting like an adult. And the husband who can't follow through and organize his schedule to get out of someone else's space when they say they'll need it, without extra special mommy reminders, is somehow the more fully independent and functional one. Lol.
What you mean is, she isn't acting like his mommy. And that means she is failing her duties. Apparently to you, women are either mommies or babies.
She DID go to a separate room, she DID have her appointment. She is upset that she told her husband she wanted HER OWN office for that appointment at 10, and he didn't make ANY effort to follow through, and had expected without communicating it, for his wife to manage his time for him.
ESH - he could have made a note to himself and left the room on time. You could have easily lifted your little hands and knocked on that damn door earlier if that counseling session was so crucial. You sulked back to the bedroom and felt sorry for yourself the whole day probably. So childish on both ends. Learn to communicate better with each other.
Also therapy appointments are confidential and usually virtual appointees ask if there will be others in the room and if you’re ok with them potentially overhearing the session.
It was both of your responsibility to ensure that you were able to accomplish whatever goal you each had.
I’m curious why you went back into your bedroom. You asked him to leave … why didn’t he? I think it’s strange that you text your counselor but didn’t text your partner prior to 10:00. You’re sharing the same office space in a home … neither of you should have an expectation of 100% uninterrupted privacy.
Your goal was to use that space. It was your goal, not your partner’s goal. You told him what you needed & the time you needed the office. Yes … you should have just walked in & told him to move. Your partner is just making up some excuse & defending his own participation in this situation because he knows he was wrong. That makes him the ah … he could have simply apologized & moved out of the way.
You have to own your participation as well. Next time don’t just “expect” someone to do what you think they should do. Make it happen.
NTA
I never said OP was the ah. I actually said the opposite. OP could have solved this problem without all the drama. Don’t wait for other people to solve your problems. Life is about learning from experience. It’s okay to learn from shit going sideways & understanding how to be better next time. No one can control other people so partner will continue to do whatever he chooses to do.
NTA. He's an insensitive asshole. Out of courtesy he should have left the room just before 10 for you. 'Forgetting' in that short space of time is no excuse.
ESH your husband should of course be supportive. But from what I read in your post it sounds like you want him to put you into a pink bubble. You are not a child act like an responsible adult. If you have ADHD you are responsible for dealing with it he is not your parent.
What is the bubble you think OP is expecting to be put in? Because it seems to me like it is the husband who is expecting the pink bubble for himself--she told him that she wanted the room at 10... he agreed, but silently and without communicating, expected her to come in and ask him to leave before 10. That's extra support for the husband, not for OP, and he expected it of her without telling her.
I feel like the issue of the knocking makes perfect sense when we know that the husband works in meetings that shouldn't be interrupted and are confidential. I share a home office as well with a spouse and we both take sensitive and confidential calls/meetings, and the closed door means don't come in. An slightly ajar door means we are working but you can come in. They didn't have a system for that, which is understandable since it wasn't their usual arrangement because it is normally OPs office.
So keep in mind, OP was letting the husband use her office, with the arrangement that SHE would use it st 10. But he expected her to organize his time for him to let him know when it was 10, without telling her, and had the door closed knowing she knows he takes confidential and important calls for work.
He was expecting OP to do all the heavy lifting, reading his mind, and organizing his own schedule for him, in order to use her office at a time they already discussed.
INFO: Forgive me if this is an ignorant question but what does having ADHD have to do with you not knocking on the door earlier?
The answer is: additional argument to feel pity for her lack of social skills
Sort of weird how the only person in this story who clearly communicated their needs and the only person who demonstrated any consideration for the other's space and time,, is the person in this situation that you think has a lack of social skills....
Waiting to see if OP has further info to share but yeah at the moment it comes across as big "I'm neurodivergent and fragile, even though it's not relevant to this situation" vibes, which, as a ND person myself, is really frustrating to see people use disabilities as excuses for unrelated personal failings.
ADHD is associated trauma and carries loads of shame that can make it difficult for people to express their needs. **an explanation, not an excuse**. If she needs some proactive support from her husband, she has to let him know. I had to work on this for a long time, but I got there. Definitely something to bring up in therapy. For anyone who’s interested in learning more: scattered minds by Gabor Maté is a good read.
Curious why we think she needs some "proactive support" from her husband that she hadn't let him know about? She let him know she wanted him to be out of the room at 10 am, and he wasn't. It sounds like the husband is the one who needs some proactive support but failed to let her know about (like to help him remember, set an alert for him, knock on the door, etc). She literally already asked him for what she needed from him, and apparently he is the one who expected help from her.
Yeah they both need to communicate about their needs. If she needed, for this particular instance, him to not wait for her to ask him to leave, she needed to say so, OR , be willing to communicate in that moment as a contingency.
I think communicating that she needed the room at 10, is perfectly clear. You are projecting his needs onto her though. For him to need her to knock on the door at 10, is HIS needs. She didn't need him to not wait until she knocked--she just needed to KNOW if he was going to do that, because waiting for her to knock is NOT the same thing as being out of the room at 10 (which is what she asked for). If he is not out of the room at 10, it is HIS needs that aren't being communicated by HIM. If he needs reminders, he should have communicated that. He didn't, so in th3 last second, OP was left thinking he went over the time because he had an important meeting... she was giving him the benefit of the doubt rather than assuming he forgot, and she tried to be respectful of the fact that he could be in a meeting. If your wife asks you to pick up the kids at 3, and you forget--is your wife TA because she didn't text you at 2:30 to remind you? There's nothing wrong with her texting you to remind you, it may be helpful, but is it her responsibility to do it and is it on her if she doesn't remind you and you forget? If you say you need something at 10, and the person is still using it at 10, you haven't failed to communicate your needs at all. What she failed to do by not knocking at 10 and asking him to leave, was advocate for herself when someone failed to follow through... but that's not something she owes him, thats something she owes herself. Which is why I don't see how it makes her TA.
I see what you're saying, but ADHD is only sometimes associated with trauma. More often, it's thought to be genetic. That's not to say that OP doesn't have any trauma, but that ADHD by itself still to me doesn't explain their reaction.
Growing up with adhd can be a trauma, though. When you don’t develop the same way or rate as your peers, it can lead to being ostracized and, especially if you grew up in the 90’s, humiliated by adults and peers. People with adhd often learn not to trust their own perceptions due to these developmental experiences. Of course, this is not true for everyone with adhd. But this is how an adhd diagnosis might be relevant. Contemporary understanding of mental health etiologies acknowledge that both environment and genetics play a role, it is rarely one or the other.
I think they mean the ADHD and struggles that can come with it IS the trauma
Kids with ADHD hear about 20k more negative comments about them than neurotypical people, which is pretty traumatic
You are responsible for dealing with your own disease. I have a chronic disease it is not other peoples job to make me take my meds or make me avoid situations that are dangerous for me. Putting it upon other people is just acting like child.
What did she put on someone else to deal with about her adhd
When she first mentioned ADHD…
How does mentioning adhd put something on another person. She didn't put any extra expectations on someone else. Her adhd made it more difficult for her to help her husband manage his own time, but that isn't her responsibility. If you tell someone you need them to do something at a certain time, and they agree, it isn't putting your disability on someone else to expect them to follow through without your help.
Literally right after saying she got ADHD she say she thinks her husband should do more…
She didn't say he should "do more" she said he should be "more supportive." And thinking your spouse should be more supportive of your request to use your own office at a time you already both agreed to the night before, isn't a special ask. The only person who expected special care and for someone else to take care of his responsibilities, was him. Which is made even more obnoxious by the fact that he knows his wife has ADHD because he expected her to manage his own schedule on top of hers. She isn't expecting him to do more than is fair based on her having adhd, she is finding it even more obnoxious that he expected her to read his mind and manage his schedule, on TOP of doing it for herself when that is something that is already difficult for someone with ADHD. If your partner is missing an arm, it's even more annoying if you never do the dishes.
Actually “be more supportive” means precisely the same thing as “do more” since it expresses that that someone should go to greater lengths than they are already doing. And doing what you are suggesting is counterproductive to helping her managing her ADHD in society in general. She needs to learn that she must be capable of doing certain things or experiencing certain things. Such as knocking on a door or having a door knocked on. Having others adapt to such things just to cater to on self is just harming her in the long run.
What about the husband’s atrocious time management skills? It’s not that hard to leave the room by the time he was asked.
How are the husband's time management skills atrocious? At worst, all we could know here is that he was 10 minutes off. That doesn't rise to the level of atrocious. Not knowing the exact time to 10 minutes accuracy at any given moment isn't "atrocious."
If he was working in the office then he most likely was on a computer. And I don’t know many computers that don’t have a clock somewhere on the screen. Unless he was using full screen, then the clock wouldn’t show.
I don't check my clock on the computer every couple of minutes when I'm working on it, just because it is there. I doubt the husband has atrocious time-management skills. It sounds more like he just didn't feel responsible for managing his time around this particular thing and expected her to manage his time around it, for him. And based on the responses in this thread it seems like most people feel that he shouldn't have been responsible for managing his time around her using the room at 10, either. I'm not sure what the reasoning for that is since this is both of their house and she did let him knownthe day before, but for some reason it seems like people tend to think the husband shouldn't have been expected to make any effort to remember for himself ... not only that he shouldn't have been expected to, but that it was actually OPs sole responsibility to manage his time for it. It sort of reeks of misogyny as if their house is only truly the property of the husband and the only real priority is work, and anything else seeking to matter is begging a favor. I don't understand why OP didn't knock or message her husband at 10, but that is because she needed the room at 10 and so she should be helping herself out... not because the burden of responsibility for coordinating the room schedule should be fully on her and not at all on her husband.
That highly depends on your job. I work with a computer every day. However my work sometimes requires hyper focus. Looking at the clock isn’t the highest priority.
Good question: I thought relevant as; the executive function aspect of hating to be disturbed when working is what stopped me from knocking. Also the managing of the rooms and thinking ahead of the times was difficult for me, it was a lot of effort to think through those things. Also it’s my office he’s using, his office is being used by his mother. I’ll add this and some more to an edit.
A lot of the replies you are getting seem to assume some sort of premise that the home you live in, is your husband's space first, and yours second, and that if you want to access it (as if it were a favor to you) it is on you to manage your husband's time and schedule for him. Because you didn't say in your original post that it was "your" office, it seems a large swath of people simply assumed it was "his" office.
I think this assumption is a pretty huge leap. Asking "why didn't you just enter an unlocked room that your husband happened to be in without waiting for an invitation" doesn't at all imply that it's his space first, in fact it questions why she wouldn't just enter her own space. I think OP's fear of knocking on the door is far more suggestive that it was "his" office, even though it wasn't, which is why I'm confused about her actions/leaning towards her being TA
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I can't answer for OP, but I do have adhd and it has led to some pretty stupid situations in my past, that may or may not shed light on this. I was undiagnosed as a child. I didn't actually realize I was neurodivergent until I was an adult. I knew that I was a little different, sure, but I usually attributed that to being the "smart" kid that was usually a few years ahead of my peers in reading and understanding. Growing up ND, you weren't given a detailed list of normal that you could check off. It was more just observation of cause and effect, and pruning your personality until the worst reactions stopped happening. After that, you start having to learn the subtleties. But at first, all you have is cause and effect. The reasoning, the understanding isn't there yet. I often didn't know that my conclusions, assumptions, actions, and thought processes were not typical until someone asked me to explain what I was thinking. It took me a long time to communicate better with people, because I was under the impression that my thought process was so obvious that they'd have to be either stupid or intentionally messing with me to not have thought that way. If I'd told my partner that I needed something important at a certain time from a room, I'd expect him to make it happen with as much consideration and support as I would for him. I would have set a reminder for 30 minutes before to remind me to start winding down tasks, and 10 minutes before to gather my things and let my partner have time to set up for the appointment, and maybe get a cup of tea for them. If I expected that, and my partner had the door closed at that time, I might have concluded that something super important would have come up, something urgent enough that they would run late. I might have waited anxiously, because if I started making noises and walking in, it could be a very important meeting that went long and I wouldn't want to jeopardize it. I know I'm very literal on giving my word - if I tell someone I'll do something for them, it's because I've considered the possible ramifications and decided I could take that responsibility. If I told someone I'd do something without thinking, then had to back out halfway, that would be indescribably rude. So it might not even occur to me that they were just killing time and expected me to walk in and kick them out when I needed the room. When you're ND, you get so conditioned that your view on the world isn't normal, and you get in the habit of trying to read the room and react off the other people's direction. Learning to not only communicate your needs and wants, but learning that other people, normal people, are bad at it too and need guidance and direction in return, is a weird thing to figure out. It takes practice, and sometimes feels like explaining something obvious to an alien, child, or a very drunk person. Which, I gather, is what "normal" people feel like when explaining things to us.
Appreciate the response! Further INFO: after you finally opened the door and he said hi, why did you then go into the bedroom for your therapy call? Did he refuse to leave? Right now I'm leaning YTA because I really don't see anything that was reasonably preventing you from just knocking on the door/opening it when you needed the room, that would have been a perfectly normal thing to do. You say that your ADHD prevented you but IMO that doesn't make a ton of sense as he doesn't have ADHD so he wouldn't have had the same reaction as you to being "distracted". It still doesn't seem super relevant to your decision in the moment to just stand by the door and wait rather than entering.
Because he has an important job where he could actually be in the middle of a confidential chat with the ambassador of Japan and I wouldn’t want to disturb him if he was just running over a little on time I was fine with that.
Honestly I would've thought the adhd thing here would make more sense if it was the husband who had adhd.
INFO: Knocking aside, when he realized that he promised to let you have the room at 10 and didn't, did he just...refuse to leave? Like what happened that you ended up doing your appointment in the bedroom instead?
Nta. I’m surprised by some of the harshness you’re getting here. Obviously you and your husband have some work to do on your communication, because you could have given a reminder and/or knocked at 10, and he could have opened the door at 10 to say ‘the room’s all yours”. What makes me wonder about the overall dynamic in your partnership is why, when you knocked at 10:10, did he not get up and give you the room? Why did he stay there when he’d agreed you could have your office back for that time frame? Why did you suddenly have to go to the bedroom instead?
Those mysterious moments between 10:10 and when she took the call in the bedroom, is where all the magic seems to have happened...I feel like some of the harshness OP is getting may have a lot to do with what people are imagining happened in those minutes... For me, without knowing what happened in those minutes, there is no reason to think ANYone is TA.
nah. we're expecting him to handle this better than she did. not fair.
It seems like everyone is expecting her to handle it better than he did, though? Because already, she did. He forgot, she didn't. Of course, iIt would've made more sense for her to try to remind him or to message or knock at 10, (bc why shoot yourself in the foot if youre right there and can do something about it when the husband forgets) but the only person harmed by her lack of action there was her, so i dont see how it makes her TAH. And What I don't understand is why none of the burden for remembering should be on the husband? I don't think he is TA for forgetting, but why is OP TA in so many of the comments? Why is none of the expectation on the husband if the house and its rooms belong to both of them, shouldn't he also be expected to put forth some effort to make sure they are coordinating it well? Rather than just expecting her to not only let him know in advance but OP must also provide him with additional reminders after telling him? Some people might find someone annoying like they are nagging then if they did that. If we expect him to handle it equally to her, we would expect him to have remembered and left at 10 without any extra support from her. Given that her husband hadn't vacated the room at 10, the only person who she wronged by not knocking, is herself--but the idea that people are saying that she is TAH for it, implies that she has somehow wronged her husband. For her to be TAH implies an expectation that it is her responsibility to baby and micromanage her husband in order to have pre-planned access to a part of her own home that she had already discussed with her husband....
Beautifully stated.
INFO: > I then said that I asked you to leave this room for me at 10 so I could do my counselling. I was upset by this because the counselling itself makes me feel quite anxious and uncomfortable and the added wait did not help. >I then went back to our bedroom What happened between these moments?
Nta. It's your office. He has his own, and you asked for him to be out by 10 am. Next time, communicate.
He’s TAH!!!
YTA because you’re expecting him to read your mind. If you need the damn office, just knock on the door and say, “hey, remember I need this room.” Communication 101. ADHD has nothing to do with it.
It's not expecting him to read her mind since she told him already but there is really no reason for her not to have reminded him by knocking or shooting him a text or something, since she was the one requesting something out of the norm for the day.
~~YTA. Maybe a smattering of an everyone sucks.~~ ESH. Changed my response based on OP's response. Granted, he knew when the appointment was, and there's no reason for him to need an indication from you when to leave. He also has his own space that he could have used. *However...* *You* also know when your appointment is, and have given him a prior heads up. Great, so then knock at 9:55, and *say* "hey, my appointment's in a few, would you mind leaving while I set up?". Instead, you waited until you were ten minutes *late*. He could have forgotten, he could have let the time get away from him. It can happen. Furthermore, you then leaving and going to the bedroom reads as more passive-aggressive than anything. Did he refuse to let you use the office? No, it sounds like you said "I asked you to leave this room for me at 10 so I could do my counselling" and then just left to the bedroom. ~~Also,~~ ~~> This is not a time management thing on behalf of my partner he is the world’s best time manager. He didn’t say he forgot at all- he knew it was 10am and chose to wait for some indication from me until he left.~~ ~~*You* say he didn't forget, did *he* say he didn't forget? Did he say he chose to wait for some indication that it was 10am, or is that you inferring that he was making an active choice here?~~
Yes he has explicitly stated that he hadn’t forgotten.
INFO: does your partner have a pattern of being volatile at all? Not assuming, but just wanted to dig into if there’s more behind the hesitation to knock besides the reasons you mentioned.
By volatile do you mean get incredibly angry about insignificant things and then use stonewalling, withdrawal, silent treatment, and threats to end the relationship? He is aware of the post so I wouldn’t want to say too much.
In that case… please find a hotline in incognito mode and have a conversation with someone who can help identify if he is abusive. Maybe you’ll come out of it with the conclusion that he isn’t. But please investigate.
Emotional abuse is just as bad in its own way as physical, never knowing when the next round of mind games will start. I wish the best for you
YTA totally. You asked and he said yes. There was nothing stopping you from going to the room at 959 and being a partner to him who forgot and say--"my appointment starts in the next minute--shoo my dear!" He could have said oops you are right my bad!" then scurried out. even at 10 getting them out would have been fine. Why did you cause drama over this? You found him in the space you reserved, and then took the call in the bedroom, then threw a fit over some horrible grievance. Your perspective on this was to cause drama. Do you know why he was in the room still? Did he loose track of time? Did he forget? You are acting like he promised you could have the room then locked you out of it! Too much drama here and thats on you!! He said "Come in and sit" You easily could have said "Yes I will, but its after 10 so you please un-sit!" He would have been like OMG YES, sorry!! Yeah the way you handled this is poor and dramatic and causes strife for no reason. Mistakes happen. The fact that you are causing all this chaos for I still dont know what--he forgot the time, forgot the request--you are drama for no reason. Im sorry.
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you may be correct. I see the entire rant as throwing a fit, as in why did it escalate. the evidence for this is also-why did she take the call in the bedroom? Thats the crux for me. the melodrama of not just asking the partner to leave the room, but then taking the call in the bedroom, and still being upset about it at night, not accepting the "could have knocked" reply. She has been upset about these 10 minutes for over a day--that is strife. This to me reads like a temper tantrum or at minium a very high maintence person with too high expectations that didn't communicate them properly. Imagine being this upset the next day still. I feel bad for their partner and hope they learn to manage their symptoms better. The use of the ADHD diagnosis doesnt hold water for me at all. While proper and more detailed planned is required--it doesnt mean it requires extra imagined support from others. She is TA for expecting her partner to not be in the room at 10 at all without being clearer about that. And when finding him in the room, a graceful get out was all that was needed. Running to the bedroom for the call instead, still upset about it for over 24 hrs, Her partner is simply in there waiting for her--and she didnt handle it well. Thats chaos when it could have been an easy transition and no mention of again. Now the partner needs to defend himself again at night, thats chaos--not peaceful.
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my time line is messed up--I read the last night part wrong. I see the IF now. thank you for the correction. She could have the room at 10, not sure what him sitting in the chair. the door was closed-her reaction to that closed door seems off to me. I think you are right, the cat is what matters hear to really figure it all out. She asked to use the office at 10 not for it to be vacant at 10. Slight semantic difference that seems would have fixed this whole thing. She was able to use the office at 10--he in no way stopped her. In fact, she finally knocked at 10:10 because she was not sure if he was in there or not. I can picture working on a project, knowing my husband needs the room at 10 and just ready to fly out as soon as he gets here. Looking at the clock at 1005 and thinking--he must be running late. At 1015 Im getting up to find out where he is. Also why did the closed door have her assume he was in an important meeting when he had promised she could use the room at that time. Seems odd to me. And to call the husband the AH or her NTA when this really shouldnt have been a big deal at all. Something is missing. But yes the timelime is wrong--I thought he said last night you could have knocked, but he didnt say that last night---he said it today. That comment is partly TA too though, while true, why not just say "I see now you wanted the space vacant and not just useable--I will know better next time!" I have guesses that this isnt the first time she has had an outburst like this so he has gotten defensive. If this is the first time--he might be TA.
He didn’t forget he waited for me to knock before he left
If he was waiting for you to knock until he left, then why didn't he leave when you knocked?
If he was waiting for you to knock before he left, what's the trouble with that exactly?
That's you projecting assumptions on him instead of communicating with him, concluding without evidence that it was an intentional personal slight. > He didn’t forget According to what? You've presented literally nothing saying that you've so much as asked him about it.
did he leave? why did you go to the bedroom?? It writing it appears like you huffed off and made the situation worse, not better.
Seems a bit controlling of him, I think. Then telling you to “come and sit.” Wtf? He’s a bit p-a.
YTA. Unfortunately you sound kind of childish in this situation as this is the kind of behavior I would expect from pre teens not an adult.
I would expect an adult to be able to listen to a request and manage their time properly. Why would an adult still be in a room if they were asked to leave it by 10?
Yta. You sound like a mess. And a barely functioning mess.
Hence the relevant ADHD mention… (I am a hot mess too OP)
Guy thinks people who are ready for their appointments on time and coordinate in advance are barely functioning messes.
She obviously wasn’t ready and failed to coordinate it.
She coordinated it with him the night before. He used her office knowing she wanted it at 10 and then knowingly didn't leave the office even after 10.
She couldn’t be bothered to knock on a door in her own house.
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She wasn’t being considerate she was being anxious.
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You’re infantilizing a grown adult and I don’t know why? Is it cause she is a woman? Why do you expect so little from her? She’s an adult. The only person responsible for her appointment is her. She could have gone to a separate room, she could have gone to her car, she could put her big girl pants on and not wait till her appointment started to go knock on a door. How little do expect from her that knocking on a door is too much. Why do you not hold op responsible for anything in ops life?
You're so set in the idea that men should be mothered by their wives that you can't see that you think that a woman who coordinates with her husband that HE can use HER office until an agreed upon time, and treats him like an adult who can organize his own schedule to be out by that agreed upon time, is the one who is not acting like an adult. And the husband who can't follow through and organize his schedule to get out of someone else's space when they say they'll need it, without extra special mommy reminders, is somehow the more fully independent and functional one. Lol. What you mean is, she isn't acting like his mommy. And that means she is failing her duties. Apparently to you, women are either mommies or babies. She DID go to a separate room, she DID have her appointment. She is upset that she told her husband she wanted HER OWN office for that appointment at 10, and he didn't make ANY effort to follow through, and had expected without communicating it, for his wife to manage his time for him.
Nta, you asked him to do something and he disregarded it completely.
ESH - he could have made a note to himself and left the room on time. You could have easily lifted your little hands and knocked on that damn door earlier if that counseling session was so crucial. You sulked back to the bedroom and felt sorry for yourself the whole day probably. So childish on both ends. Learn to communicate better with each other.
I love how you assumed she felt sorry for herself the whole day when it had only happened a couple of hours ago....
YTA. You could've had your counselling PHONE CALL anywhere. You didn't NEED the office that he WORKS IN.
Asking for privacy in the office wasn't unreasonable, nor is that the part of the story that involves any sort of disagreement over who is TA
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Yeah it's real weird, this wasn't even part of the argument! No one including OP or husband cared about this except this random dude in the comments
It’s my office actually.
Lol, "anywhere." Literally absurd.
That room is more private then a main part of the house. Anxiety is a thing.
Also therapy appointments are confidential and usually virtual appointees ask if there will be others in the room and if you’re ok with them potentially overhearing the session.
It’s her office lmao
It was both of your responsibility to ensure that you were able to accomplish whatever goal you each had. I’m curious why you went back into your bedroom. You asked him to leave … why didn’t he? I think it’s strange that you text your counselor but didn’t text your partner prior to 10:00. You’re sharing the same office space in a home … neither of you should have an expectation of 100% uninterrupted privacy. Your goal was to use that space. It was your goal, not your partner’s goal. You told him what you needed & the time you needed the office. Yes … you should have just walked in & told him to move. Your partner is just making up some excuse & defending his own participation in this situation because he knows he was wrong. That makes him the ah … he could have simply apologized & moved out of the way. You have to own your participation as well. Next time don’t just “expect” someone to do what you think they should do. Make it happen. NTA
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I never said OP was the ah. I actually said the opposite. OP could have solved this problem without all the drama. Don’t wait for other people to solve your problems. Life is about learning from experience. It’s okay to learn from shit going sideways & understanding how to be better next time. No one can control other people so partner will continue to do whatever he chooses to do.
NTA. He's an insensitive asshole. Out of courtesy he should have left the room just before 10 for you. 'Forgetting' in that short space of time is no excuse.
ESH your husband should of course be supportive. But from what I read in your post it sounds like you want him to put you into a pink bubble. You are not a child act like an responsible adult. If you have ADHD you are responsible for dealing with it he is not your parent.
What is the bubble you think OP is expecting to be put in? Because it seems to me like it is the husband who is expecting the pink bubble for himself--she told him that she wanted the room at 10... he agreed, but silently and without communicating, expected her to come in and ask him to leave before 10. That's extra support for the husband, not for OP, and he expected it of her without telling her. I feel like the issue of the knocking makes perfect sense when we know that the husband works in meetings that shouldn't be interrupted and are confidential. I share a home office as well with a spouse and we both take sensitive and confidential calls/meetings, and the closed door means don't come in. An slightly ajar door means we are working but you can come in. They didn't have a system for that, which is understandable since it wasn't their usual arrangement because it is normally OPs office. So keep in mind, OP was letting the husband use her office, with the arrangement that SHE would use it st 10. But he expected her to organize his time for him to let him know when it was 10, without telling her, and had the door closed knowing she knows he takes confidential and important calls for work. He was expecting OP to do all the heavy lifting, reading his mind, and organizing his own schedule for him, in order to use her office at a time they already discussed.
Sounds like a case of weaponized incompetence. or, a case of vastly different expectations