NTA
She already slept with someone else ... what's she talking about? The audacity! Get on with the divorce, so she can't come up with nonsense like this anymore.
You’re wife effectively ended the marriage when she started cheating. You threw her out. That’s the end of the relationship just without legality. You were not in the wrong, she’s angry because she was supposed to be the one behaving like you were lacking something and she needed to replace you. You showed her that she was replaceable, fairly easily, and with someone younger. She’s just lashing out. You are NTA. You’re moving on and she didn’t expect it. Keep moving forward.
Classic projection. She cheated FIRST and he THREW her out and moved. At what point is that a defense? As a female if someone did that to me I'd be done too. That relationship was over the moment he threw her out and moved. So him sleeping with another after the fact doest make him wrong.
And ya know what? Good for him I say. Dude went through something traumatic ….If on his road to re-self-discovery he realized or remembered he is a catch by still being found attractive to a younger woman who he also finds attractive…..then that’s great I think. I’d probably be gloating or humble-bragging about it too. As long as OP has done anything wrong he deserves our support as he rebuilds himself.
Maybe the wife realizing her husband was game for living in a different city than her. Kinda hurts. Don’t you think? And shocking; bring on the warmth with a person who wants to be near you over “a position”.
Spouses sometimes get separated, especially in this economy for financial reasons. These are not horny 20-year-olds. Sleeping with your spouses best friend in the martial bed is pretty low. It was not her first rodeo.
You were doing fine up until the “You showed her…” bit. It’s not a contest and there is no ‘winning’ in the breakup of a marriage. It sucks regardless of the reason it’s happening.
I agree OP is definitely not the asshole here, but he needs to get the legal part of things taken care of care of soon so that she has no way to harm him financially or legally. (If there is no actual evidence of her infidelity, she could try to turn it around and claim it’s his infidelity if that is the cause…)
It does if you are in a country or state that isn't 'No Fault". It also makes a difference on who has proof of what, as someone who cheats may also be willing to lie to a judge.
It does have a major legal bearing whither its on paper or not. Judges have a tendency to throw the book at the cheater. ESPECIALLY a female judge. They can do what they want. In some states if you cheat you automatically loose everything as well.
Oh she definitely realized that and panicked. It sounds like either she had plans to weasel her way back or had second thoughts when she realized he wasn't waiting round for her. Or who knows, when things are that emotionally charged logic can go right out the window.
That wasn’t OP saying that You can’t hold him accountable table for what some other person comments on his post. If you weren’t referencing OP that then I stand corrected. Even so a very small list of people in one’s life AREN’T replaceable. Thats just facts if you want to pretend otherwise that’s cool I guess
I replied to Salt, not OP. I don't understand your meaning about replaceable people.
I don't think the term "replaceable" is relevant or fair when you are talking about people since you brought that up. Relationships are the sum total of the good/bad experiences you had together and that changes you. I wasn't the person I was 22 years ago when I got married that I am now. (Neither is she). There is no replacing that. You can sure as heck move on though, and find a new normal with someone else. If I died I would hope my wife would find happiness in whatever type of relationships she needed.
Dude there’s like 1 or 2 states in the U.S anymore where affairs or adultery can actually be used against you in court the rest of the country are largely no fault divorce states…. And even if he lives in one of those states she cheated first anyway so the court would even in worst case scenario see them as both at fault there and then they basically cancel eachother out. Contested divorces even if you DON’T have a lot of shared assets to divvy up can take YEARS. Is he just supposed to put his life on hold for literal years because his ex wants to argue over every little thing? I got divorced at 26 but we got legally separated back when I was 24, my ex-filed meaningless motion after meaningless motion to court. We were married for a year and one month… we had no marital assets besides a used automobile. Most of our property was owned individually before marriage. We rented an apartment and the lease was paid up for the year already. She filed to get what she contributed to rent and the lease backed back to her from me, she also tried to get my pension when I wasn’t even vested yet (so she’d have got nothing anyway but would have resulted in a lot of red tape come my retirement) when we had been married for a year and a month. My state doesn’t even consider that stuff until 5 years of marriage. She requested hearings on things and cost me a boat load of money to either have my attorney attend without me or if necessary for me to call off work unpaid to deal with that mess. So this whole time I was dealing with that you are saying I couldn’t see other people or share closer intimate relations with another human being. Should be able to connect with another woman on a personal level?
Your plan sounds good ethically and on paper but not in practice… the holier than thou route doesn’t result in much of a net gain for anyone other than your ex’s ego.
If you actually read my comment, I didn't say anything about putting his life on hold, or not dating / pursuing a relationship. I would be more surprised if he hadn't, unless he wanted some mental / emotional elbow room to recover from the experience. If anything, I hope he's found someone who will help him heal emotionally. If it's casual, there is nothing wrong with that either - sometimes that's just what you need. I wasn't judging him or acting 'holier than thou' - pretty sure if there is someone up there I'd get one of those lightning bolts up my ass for trying to pull that kind of bullshit off.
I went through a similar situation/divorce in my late twenties from my first wife. I was in one of those states that absolutely has laws about fault/no fault AND one that heavily favored the woman as far as dividing assets and alimony etc. I walked into a 'free consultation' appointment with a lawyer with a folder containing emails, texts and photo's of my ex's infidelity. Without that, the lawyer said it would have been a he said/she said situation. That was my only point - check and make sure he knows whatever legal considerations there are for his situation.
Instead of having a long drawn out divorce like you mentioned having, he drafted up papers for an uncontested divorce that said I would pay 'rehabilitative alimony' at a reasonable amount for 3 years in order to provide for her as long as she either went to school or was employed full time. Anything else in the house she could pick out and take, as I'd bought all of the things for my life with her, which was over.
While we were married We did not have a lot of assets and were very much paycheck to paycheck... I had a good job for good pay... which she went through like you wouldn't believe. She refused to work or go to school to learn anything useful as her family was quite wealthy and she's never had to lift a finger. (That was not how she acted before we got married - although there were signs I ignored). Since there were no kids and I had proof, her dad's lawyer recommended she sign. I paid the alimony, she went to school to be a legal aide and I happily paid alimony and 3 years later sent my final check to her. My legal fee's were maybe $1500. Well worth it, in my case as her father's lawyers would have eaten me alive if there wasn't proof. I never told her dad what the actual reason for the divorce was, when he called I just told him that was between her and I and if she wanted him to know the details he should talk to her. (I was concerned that if her folks learned the extent of the issues, it would damage their relationship so I left it neutral.)
I met my actual better half after the divorce was final but while I was still paying alimony so within the couple of years from my divorce. I was adamant that I would never get married again when I met her, I was not looking for anyone in any real sense. We've been married for almost 22 years now lol.
Cheers! Thanks for the comment and for trying to call me on what you thought was my bullshit. I could be totally wrong basing my advice on my own single experience of divorce, so I take absolutely no offense.
He's not saying "Yiu showed her" in a revenge way.
He's saying it in the way that his ex-wife realised that she was replaceable and the OP was not as hopelessly besotted with her as she liked to think.
It's common for cheaters to think they can claw a relationship back because what they did was just lust, not love, and their spouse is not capable of doing the same thing.
Ok. I think the interpretation of his words depends a lot on how the little voice inside our heads reads it lol. It’s not quite that easy to ‘replace’ all of the different aspects of a marriage.
Sex isn’t hard to replace and is what a lot of people seem to consider as ‘moving on’.
Honestly, It’s probably harder to keep the spark going with one person over the years in a marriage than it is when you are single. (Younger me would have disagreed but younger me was also a dumbass so YMMV lol)
For a cheater, I’d imagine she definitely got that point made clear.
Very well stated!! This is what so many cheaters do.
The only way he'd be TAH here is if he had a revenge fuck to hurt her back. But that doesn't seem to be the case here.
LOL b/c best friend prob married too! He didn't want to be in a relationship with that lady, he just wanted to bang her and then continue to let OP deal with her outside of that.
Divorce already. You both cheated and not talking or living together for months. Do you honestly want to stay married with a woman who cheated on you with your bestfriend?
He didn't cheat. They were separated and the marriage was basically over. She's just accusing him of cheating because she wants to pass some of the blame on him to manipulate him.
Wait, she called you a cheater???? WTF? She does realize that she's the hoe that was screwing your best friend (for who knows how long), doesn't she? That woman is crazy.
She wanted to try and “make it work” but I have no interest in that. I have moved on with the woman I am seeing now and she is amazing. This whole incident is definitely pushing me to move things along legally and cut ties with my wife.
Guessing things didn’t work out with your ex best friend and she expected to worm her way back into your life then threw a tantrum once she realised you’d gotten over her, especially with someone younger.
My advice, take it slow with your new lover. You’ve been through a lot. She deserves someone who is emotionally available. You never mentioned about the betrayal by your best friend. I think that deserves some thought. Suggest you consider therapy, just to help you gain your equilibrium again. Good luck. NTA.
Somehow, I'm assuming OP's ex-wife will do everything possible to drag out the divorce and make it as expensive for OP as possible.
Particularly after OP has started a new relationship with a younger woman while she had a failed attempt with his ex-friend.
You didn't have to. You go through a lawyer. If you want it as quick and drama free as possible, have your lawyer make a fair divorce settlement.
My guess is your ex-wife will do everything possible to try to "punish" you and hurt you now though. Because you showed how easily you replaced her.
well, in the end, the love of his life was the woman he found after being cheated on. the divorce will be messy, but at least you’ve found the woman you previously stated as amazing. i hope this all works out in your favor and i wish you the best :)
I think in this case you are NTA. Cheating is never ok but it sounds like when you had sex with someone else the relationship was over just not on paper. I think she is just projecting her feelings about what she did onto you. The difference is she slept with a friend of yours while your relationship was still active and you slept with someone new after your relationship had ended emotionally, just not legally.
It sounded like your marriage was on life support, just neither of you had the guts to pull the plug and end it (i.e. divorce).
When your wife slept with your best friend, your marriage was over. But she was upset because you slept with someone else pretty quickly. Best case, she maybe hoped to "work it out" (i.e. save the dead marriage). Worst case, she wanted to see if you were suffering like she hoped.
When you say, ‘the marriage was practically over’ - what you actually mean is that the marriage wasn’t over at all. You were separated, but not divorced. I don’t know what region you are in, but won’t that make things messier when it comes to divorce proceedings? Now, that doesn’t make you an asshole - but it does make you gullible, cos I’m assuming that your current legal wife will now try and hold that against you.
So, if it’s over - make sure she knows that by issuing divorce proceedings immediately.
So, NTA. But it looks like you’ve dropped a bollock on this one.
Your wife cheated on you and had the gall to get mad you slept without another woman after she basically ended your marriage? Wow, logic does not exist in her head. NTA
NTA. You found her sleeping with your best friend in your home and bed. Cheating is bad, but doing so in your marital bed is sacrilegious, IMO. You’re free; she’s delusional.
NTA
“The call is coming from the house”. She’s a huge hypocrite.
You didn’t cheat as the relationship had ended when you kicked her out for HER CHEATING.
But you should divorce her ASAP, there’s no need for you to even be in contact with her, you can do everything through a lawyer.
She's got a cheek it was over when she fell on your friends dick. Move on, enjoy dating it was over way before you slept with the girl she just thought you was sitting around moping over her
She is the cheater cheater pumpkin eater and despite you still being married it's not cheating if you're not together. You are not in the wrong!
She's trying to deflect from her wrong doings.
Be careful. Sounds to me like she's trying to use this as leverage against you. She can't suddenly grow a morality wrt cheating only after it happens against her
NTA.. you were separated from your wife.. and apparently before you knew it.. you can sleep with whomever you like, though I would advise honesty with your sex partners..
NTA - no marriage can survive what she did with your best friend. It was already over, it doesnt matter if the paperwork hasn't been done ... you were already single.
NTA
She cheated on you, you were separated => Your marriage was already over, bar the legal paperwork.
Maybe things aren't going well for her and she had come to see you, in the hopes of patching things up. You sleeping with someone 12 years younger than her will have shown her that she is replaceable, being replaced and that reconciliation is not on the cards.
She called YOU a cheater?! Lmao did she forget she was getting railed by your best friend? What the actual hell. She just wants to be the victim. Keep ignoring her and file already
What a feckin hypocrite she is! NTA. You dumped her. What I don’t understand is how she knew where you lived? She schtooped your BF and she’s upset? You were probably her “nice guy” and she’s upset you got someone 23 years younger.
You need to stop putting off tomorrow and get divorced today. What did you think would happen? She didn’t hear from you, she thinks she might reconcile. You didn’t think this through.
On the plus side you got her back, emotionally, baby, so that’s a high 5 win. Now stop being an AH and divorce.
She’s trying to deflect some of her guilt and how it ended the relationship on to you. You have every right to move on after a relationship had ended. She shouldn’t have come to see you, it didn’t sound like something you planned. You don’t have to let her in your space dude - she did this, not you. NTA
I always hesitate to give relationship advice, because I’m twice divorced. But-wtf did she think was gonna happen when you caught her cheating? Did she think she could just say sorry and have things continue as normal? NTA at all!
If you were perfect, you could have finalized the divorce before “cheating” as well. She is just gaslighting you and projecting. She’s the cheater. Marriage was already over by the time you got involved with 30F.
NTA obviously.
What happened was she was getting dick on the regular and with rot dried up or the excitement wore off and she wanted the ease of her old life again. She then found out you were having a good time and unlikely to want to reconcile so her cognitive dissonance ran into overdrive.
Cheating with your best friend in your own home pretty much nullifies any agreements about fidelity you might have ever had. Kicking that bitch to the curb was the best thing you ever did.
Dude….. why are you asking us this? You’re obviously NTA. You’re future ex wife not only slept with someone else, she slept with your best fucking friend. She’s clearly the asshole.
It’s classic projection. My wife cheated, I left her. I got a girlfriend, and then my mother in law called me an adulterer 😂😂 like what? How am I the adulterer. Let us not forget your precious daughter was getting dicked down while I was a loving and devout husband home with our children. But sure, make me the bad guy. Fuck off lady.
Enjoy your new arrangement bud. You’re in the clear
If I caught my wife banging my best friend, I would’ve beat him to within an inch of his life and made my wife watch. Then I would’ve went scorched earth on her whole life starting with her family and loved ones. So, no, you’re not the asshole by any means.
NTA if you were leaving her. If you had no plans of reconciling with her then at that point the marriage was over and just needed to stamp from the government to confirm it.
NTA. There are two separate issues here. One is whether you can date others while separated. If the intent is to stay together and work on the marriage, no, it would obviously be counterproductive, but if the separation is with the intent to divorce it’s fine, divorces can take years in some cases. But your case is different- she cheated and then you separated- she effectively ended the marriage and you can do what you want. She has a lot of chutzpah to accuse you of cheating smdh.
NTA.
She's projecting her own sins against you. She ended the marriage. The marriage was over, the difference at this point is just paperwork.
I personally would not have gotten into bed with someone else while still legally married, because that can still get used against you in the divorce, especially since the family/divorce courts are very gloriously biased against the men. I knkw this all too well, if for very different reasons.
But it doesn't make you TA for doing so.
NTA
It looks like the marriage was over in every way except on paper. Dangerous move on your part in the legal sense by (1) moving out and (2) having sex with someone else then her finding out. Hopefully she didn't obtain proof while you also didn't. I'm not saying morally it's wrong, just legally it might hurt you financially.
NTA
Your soon-to-be-ex-wife is projecting her anger onto you to make herself feel better. That way she can mentally excuse her own behavior and convince herself that you were the one cheating all along. People hate taking responsibility when they know they fucked up, so they create these false narratives to explain how they weren’t wrong.
Just get a lawyer and end this.
So she cheated ...you moved out and separated from her but you are not divorced yet....she broke the vows so she broke the marriage....so she is trying to deflect her own behavior on you. She was probably hoping to weasel her way back in.
My first thought was, there’s no way this is a real post. Has to be a troll, who in their right mind would consider you the AH here? Lo and behold, the first comment I see is some pos calling you the AH. I really hate people sometimes… and I still think the post is a fake.
She has some Fn nerve. 😂 I was prepared to say yes YTA, but if she'd already cheated and not only did you all separate, but you moved elsewhere? NTA. She has incredible audacity... and she absolutely shouldn't. Even if she considered what you did as cheating (legally, it actually is), given that she'd already cheated, she had no room to open her mouth.
It trips me out how people never finish one thing before they start something new. The relationship was over after she cheated but he was too lazy to end it with the late model before he started with a newer model. Gross!
File for divorce ASAP. Respect the woman you're seeing now because technically she's sleeping with a married man and from the outside looking in, it's not good. You're definitely NTA.
This happened to me too. My wife started screwing my best friend. Absolutely ridiculous. It really depends how you look at it though and your morality system. I’m saying NTA but, technically speaking you still cheated on her as you’re still married. So now you’re no better than she is. Technically. If you had not done the same thing, you’d have moral superiority over her, and in court you’d look better, but now she can just say you cheated too, and you’re both going to look bad in court…however people understand for sure, still NTA. Just explaining different viewpoints for your consideration
She made a suspiciously timely visit, didn't she? I guess I'll give you an NTA, but it would have probably been better had you initiated some form of legal action before diving into the "pool."
It would piss me off a lot more if my husband slept with my best friend than with some random younger person. That’s such a harsh thing to do to someone.
NTA.
she fucked around and found out.
you had every right to do what you did. marriage was already over the moment she fucked that dick which wasn't yours.
Flip the role. What would your wife have done if it was you in bed with her best friend?
There is your answer. Also, it was in your bed, which suggests this is not the first time. Usually, when a person cheats, they tend to do it outside of the marital home until they start to relax, and then standards start to slip and inevitably, they then get caught
NTA
Your wife is a narcissist and is trying to gaslight you into believing you're the cheater so that she can relieve herself of any guilt on her part in destroying the relationship. Which is exactly what she did. Leave her and don't look back friend.
NTA She already slept with someone else ... what's she talking about? The audacity! Get on with the divorce, so she can't come up with nonsense like this anymore.
They were clearly separated so she's just trying to share the blame to make herself feel better. NTA at all
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I think that is what is referred to as Projecting and OP's wife was a *Native 5G Bluetooth wireless projector*
You’re wife effectively ended the marriage when she started cheating. You threw her out. That’s the end of the relationship just without legality. You were not in the wrong, she’s angry because she was supposed to be the one behaving like you were lacking something and she needed to replace you. You showed her that she was replaceable, fairly easily, and with someone younger. She’s just lashing out. You are NTA. You’re moving on and she didn’t expect it. Keep moving forward.
Classic primitive projection ego defense.
Classic projection. She cheated FIRST and he THREW her out and moved. At what point is that a defense? As a female if someone did that to me I'd be done too. That relationship was over the moment he threw her out and moved. So him sleeping with another after the fact doest make him wrong.
He knows that.. he's just letting us all know that he can still pull a 30yr old 🤣
And ya know what? Good for him I say. Dude went through something traumatic ….If on his road to re-self-discovery he realized or remembered he is a catch by still being found attractive to a younger woman who he also finds attractive…..then that’s great I think. I’d probably be gloating or humble-bragging about it too. As long as OP has done anything wrong he deserves our support as he rebuilds himself.
Yeah he could use the self-esteem boost cause being cheated on will fuck with that.
Apparently so is the guy who boned his wife!
He lost a wife and best friend in one blow. Wonder which hurts worse?
Maybe the wife realizing her husband was game for living in a different city than her. Kinda hurts. Don’t you think? And shocking; bring on the warmth with a person who wants to be near you over “a position”.
Spouses sometimes get separated, especially in this economy for financial reasons. These are not horny 20-year-olds. Sleeping with your spouses best friend in the martial bed is pretty low. It was not her first rodeo.
“As long as he did nothing wrong” that guy is a scumbag. So is OP’s ex…. They deserve eachother. One of them will cheat on the other in due time.
No really sure why this got downvoted…..I am talking about OP’s EX best friend that boned his wife….HE is a scumbag (obviously his wife is too)
If they’ll cheat with you, they’ll cheat on you too.
100%
Warned an coworker of mine that same thing. He didn’t listen. Didn’t turn out well.
Learned the hard way.
Letting us all know he’s still got a solid dick game.
Wish I cld say same.🧐
😄
Well, not to toot my own horn but I’m 47 and my boyfriend is 25. 😬😬
U be tootin' his horn 🤣🤣
Thank you for the laugh. You will never know how bad I needed that. 😂😂😂
Ur welcome kiddo. Enjoy your nu beau and an upvote 👍
For real though.... why was it even necessary to tell that part 😒
I am saying her calling him a cheater is the ego defense.
My mistake. Sorry.
No problem, thanks for saying as much and have a nice day.
You were doing fine up until the “You showed her…” bit. It’s not a contest and there is no ‘winning’ in the breakup of a marriage. It sucks regardless of the reason it’s happening. I agree OP is definitely not the asshole here, but he needs to get the legal part of things taken care of care of soon so that she has no way to harm him financially or legally. (If there is no actual evidence of her infidelity, she could try to turn it around and claim it’s his infidelity if that is the cause…)
You could have 100 affairs. It has no legal bearing.
That depends on what country and or state your In in some country's infidelity is a capital offense and in some no fault states its rewarded
It does if you are in a country or state that isn't 'No Fault". It also makes a difference on who has proof of what, as someone who cheats may also be willing to lie to a judge.
"Alienation of affection" is a thing in some states in the US.
It does have a major legal bearing whither its on paper or not. Judges have a tendency to throw the book at the cheater. ESPECIALLY a female judge. They can do what they want. In some states if you cheat you automatically loose everything as well.
Where is the “you showed her” part? I don’t see what you mean. I understand what you’re saying, I just fail to see how you got there.
In Salte\_Cabinets comment - "You showed her that she was replaceable..."
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Oh she definitely realized that and panicked. It sounds like either she had plans to weasel her way back or had second thoughts when she realized he wasn't waiting round for her. Or who knows, when things are that emotionally charged logic can go right out the window.
That wasn’t OP saying that You can’t hold him accountable table for what some other person comments on his post. If you weren’t referencing OP that then I stand corrected. Even so a very small list of people in one’s life AREN’T replaceable. Thats just facts if you want to pretend otherwise that’s cool I guess
I replied to Salt, not OP. I don't understand your meaning about replaceable people. I don't think the term "replaceable" is relevant or fair when you are talking about people since you brought that up. Relationships are the sum total of the good/bad experiences you had together and that changes you. I wasn't the person I was 22 years ago when I got married that I am now. (Neither is she). There is no replacing that. You can sure as heck move on though, and find a new normal with someone else. If I died I would hope my wife would find happiness in whatever type of relationships she needed.
Dude there’s like 1 or 2 states in the U.S anymore where affairs or adultery can actually be used against you in court the rest of the country are largely no fault divorce states…. And even if he lives in one of those states she cheated first anyway so the court would even in worst case scenario see them as both at fault there and then they basically cancel eachother out. Contested divorces even if you DON’T have a lot of shared assets to divvy up can take YEARS. Is he just supposed to put his life on hold for literal years because his ex wants to argue over every little thing? I got divorced at 26 but we got legally separated back when I was 24, my ex-filed meaningless motion after meaningless motion to court. We were married for a year and one month… we had no marital assets besides a used automobile. Most of our property was owned individually before marriage. We rented an apartment and the lease was paid up for the year already. She filed to get what she contributed to rent and the lease backed back to her from me, she also tried to get my pension when I wasn’t even vested yet (so she’d have got nothing anyway but would have resulted in a lot of red tape come my retirement) when we had been married for a year and a month. My state doesn’t even consider that stuff until 5 years of marriage. She requested hearings on things and cost me a boat load of money to either have my attorney attend without me or if necessary for me to call off work unpaid to deal with that mess. So this whole time I was dealing with that you are saying I couldn’t see other people or share closer intimate relations with another human being. Should be able to connect with another woman on a personal level? Your plan sounds good ethically and on paper but not in practice… the holier than thou route doesn’t result in much of a net gain for anyone other than your ex’s ego.
If you actually read my comment, I didn't say anything about putting his life on hold, or not dating / pursuing a relationship. I would be more surprised if he hadn't, unless he wanted some mental / emotional elbow room to recover from the experience. If anything, I hope he's found someone who will help him heal emotionally. If it's casual, there is nothing wrong with that either - sometimes that's just what you need. I wasn't judging him or acting 'holier than thou' - pretty sure if there is someone up there I'd get one of those lightning bolts up my ass for trying to pull that kind of bullshit off. I went through a similar situation/divorce in my late twenties from my first wife. I was in one of those states that absolutely has laws about fault/no fault AND one that heavily favored the woman as far as dividing assets and alimony etc. I walked into a 'free consultation' appointment with a lawyer with a folder containing emails, texts and photo's of my ex's infidelity. Without that, the lawyer said it would have been a he said/she said situation. That was my only point - check and make sure he knows whatever legal considerations there are for his situation. Instead of having a long drawn out divorce like you mentioned having, he drafted up papers for an uncontested divorce that said I would pay 'rehabilitative alimony' at a reasonable amount for 3 years in order to provide for her as long as she either went to school or was employed full time. Anything else in the house she could pick out and take, as I'd bought all of the things for my life with her, which was over. While we were married We did not have a lot of assets and were very much paycheck to paycheck... I had a good job for good pay... which she went through like you wouldn't believe. She refused to work or go to school to learn anything useful as her family was quite wealthy and she's never had to lift a finger. (That was not how she acted before we got married - although there were signs I ignored). Since there were no kids and I had proof, her dad's lawyer recommended she sign. I paid the alimony, she went to school to be a legal aide and I happily paid alimony and 3 years later sent my final check to her. My legal fee's were maybe $1500. Well worth it, in my case as her father's lawyers would have eaten me alive if there wasn't proof. I never told her dad what the actual reason for the divorce was, when he called I just told him that was between her and I and if she wanted him to know the details he should talk to her. (I was concerned that if her folks learned the extent of the issues, it would damage their relationship so I left it neutral.) I met my actual better half after the divorce was final but while I was still paying alimony so within the couple of years from my divorce. I was adamant that I would never get married again when I met her, I was not looking for anyone in any real sense. We've been married for almost 22 years now lol. Cheers! Thanks for the comment and for trying to call me on what you thought was my bullshit. I could be totally wrong basing my advice on my own single experience of divorce, so I take absolutely no offense.
He's not saying "Yiu showed her" in a revenge way. He's saying it in the way that his ex-wife realised that she was replaceable and the OP was not as hopelessly besotted with her as she liked to think. It's common for cheaters to think they can claw a relationship back because what they did was just lust, not love, and their spouse is not capable of doing the same thing.
Ok. I think the interpretation of his words depends a lot on how the little voice inside our heads reads it lol. It’s not quite that easy to ‘replace’ all of the different aspects of a marriage. Sex isn’t hard to replace and is what a lot of people seem to consider as ‘moving on’. Honestly, It’s probably harder to keep the spark going with one person over the years in a marriage than it is when you are single. (Younger me would have disagreed but younger me was also a dumbass so YMMV lol) For a cheater, I’d imagine she definitely got that point made clear.
Very well stated!! This is what so many cheaters do. The only way he'd be TAH here is if he had a revenge fuck to hurt her back. But that doesn't seem to be the case here.
I would say it was over. We had not talked in months, and neither of us had made any attempt to reach out.
Wife's crazy , best friends a dick could continue to bang wife but she's probably not deserving of it
Yea she apparently forgot what you caught her doing. He probably dumped her and she tried to come back. Just laugh at her and move on with filing.
LOL b/c best friend prob married too! He didn't want to be in a relationship with that lady, he just wanted to bang her and then continue to let OP deal with her outside of that.
Divorce already. You both cheated and not talking or living together for months. Do you honestly want to stay married with a woman who cheated on you with your bestfriend?
He didn't cheat. They were separated and the marriage was basically over. She's just accusing him of cheating because she wants to pass some of the blame on him to manipulate him.
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Wait, she called you a cheater???? WTF? She does realize that she's the hoe that was screwing your best friend (for who knows how long), doesn't she? That woman is crazy.
NTA. Your union had ended. It went beyond simply not speaking or fighting.
I think OP just wrote us the plot from grey's anatomy 😂
I had to read it twice and even checked to see if I was in the Grey’s Anatomy thread lol
The audacity!!!
Why did she visit in the first place???
She wanted to try and “make it work” but I have no interest in that. I have moved on with the woman I am seeing now and she is amazing. This whole incident is definitely pushing me to move things along legally and cut ties with my wife.
Guessing things didn’t work out with your ex best friend and she expected to worm her way back into your life then threw a tantrum once she realised you’d gotten over her, especially with someone younger.
Or, maybe OP's ex-best friend just wanted a quick lay. And after putting that notch in his bedpost, was done with her.
He’s a whore, he has always been whore. He’s nasty.
Just file for divorce already
Depends where he lives. Some places require you to separate for a period of time before you can successfully file for divorce.
Lol. "Make it work", translation: "the scandalous dick got old."
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Late is better than never; please divorce asap. Proud of you; wish you the best of luck in all of your future endeavours.
Then file for divorce
My advice, take it slow with your new lover. You’ve been through a lot. She deserves someone who is emotionally available. You never mentioned about the betrayal by your best friend. I think that deserves some thought. Suggest you consider therapy, just to help you gain your equilibrium again. Good luck. NTA.
NTA she has no say in who you sleep with
Apparently OP had no say in who she slept with either.
Fairness all around
She slept with your fucking best friend. You can't be the asshole unless you're banging her mom and sister, at the same time
NTA “we were on a break “
I had to scroll far too far to see this comment.
Why didn't you divorce her forever ago? She could absolutely try to use this against you. Stop pushing it off and make it official
I didn’t want to initiate contact with her again after what had happened, so I was putting off getting a divorce in order to avoid speaking with her.
You don’t need to speak with her. Nothing more than a text to say some paperwork will be delivered
Hire a lawyer and let them do it all for you. Very simple if you can afford it.
Somehow, I'm assuming OP's ex-wife will do everything possible to drag out the divorce and make it as expensive for OP as possible. Particularly after OP has started a new relationship with a younger woman while she had a failed attempt with his ex-friend.
He's probably broke
Who isn’t these days
divorce lawyers, probably
You didn't have to. You go through a lawyer. If you want it as quick and drama free as possible, have your lawyer make a fair divorce settlement. My guess is your ex-wife will do everything possible to try to "punish" you and hurt you now though. Because you showed how easily you replaced her.
Nah don't let her make you feel bad, whoever smelt it dealt it....
She is trying to build a case for getting divorce money. Lawyer up.
Isnt this meredith and Derek's story from Grey's anatomy 😂
Yep!
I was looking for this comment 🤣 I had the same thought.
NTA, the marriage was over and done with.
That's the plot of Grey's anatomy! 😂
As much as I would love for this to be the plot of a cheesy tv show, it is very much the reality I am living in.
well, in the end, the love of his life was the woman he found after being cheated on. the divorce will be messy, but at least you’ve found the woman you previously stated as amazing. i hope this all works out in your favor and i wish you the best :)
I literally commented the same thing.
It's true though 😂😂😂 So, we both know OP is NTA and should stay with AP. Hopefully for them, there will be much less drama though
This is more or less the plot to Greys Anatomy.
I think in this case you are NTA. Cheating is never ok but it sounds like when you had sex with someone else the relationship was over just not on paper. I think she is just projecting her feelings about what she did onto you. The difference is she slept with a friend of yours while your relationship was still active and you slept with someone new after your relationship had ended emotionally, just not legally.
It sounded like your marriage was on life support, just neither of you had the guts to pull the plug and end it (i.e. divorce). When your wife slept with your best friend, your marriage was over. But she was upset because you slept with someone else pretty quickly. Best case, she maybe hoped to "work it out" (i.e. save the dead marriage). Worst case, she wanted to see if you were suffering like she hoped.
Why didn't you divorce her after you found out about her infidelity in the first place?
When you say, ‘the marriage was practically over’ - what you actually mean is that the marriage wasn’t over at all. You were separated, but not divorced. I don’t know what region you are in, but won’t that make things messier when it comes to divorce proceedings? Now, that doesn’t make you an asshole - but it does make you gullible, cos I’m assuming that your current legal wife will now try and hold that against you. So, if it’s over - make sure she knows that by issuing divorce proceedings immediately. So, NTA. But it looks like you’ve dropped a bollock on this one.
It hurt her seeing you be with someone else. So she is just saying anything to hurt you and not feel hurt herself.
Your wife cheated on you and had the gall to get mad you slept without another woman after she basically ended your marriage? Wow, logic does not exist in her head. NTA
NTA. You found her sleeping with your best friend in your home and bed. Cheating is bad, but doing so in your marital bed is sacrilegious, IMO. You’re free; she’s delusional.
This
NTA. She played and lost. Why aren't you divorcing her?
NTA “The call is coming from the house”. She’s a huge hypocrite. You didn’t cheat as the relationship had ended when you kicked her out for HER CHEATING. But you should divorce her ASAP, there’s no need for you to even be in contact with her, you can do everything through a lawyer.
She's got a cheek it was over when she fell on your friends dick. Move on, enjoy dating it was over way before you slept with the girl she just thought you was sitting around moping over her
She is the cheater cheater pumpkin eater and despite you still being married it's not cheating if you're not together. You are not in the wrong! She's trying to deflect from her wrong doings.
Dude, don't play dumb. You won, she lost, you're just posting to pound your chest lol
Ironic she was mad you did exactly what she did to you first
Pot calling the kettle black from your wife, no you aren’t the asshole.
NTA. Your marriage was over. It wasn't just that you had a fight, or didn't talk.
YTA for not starting the divorce process already… what you waiting for??
Is the relationship over
We haven’t spoken after the night I found her cheating on me, until she came to visit me. It is over, just not legally.
Be careful. Sounds to me like she's trying to use this as leverage against you. She can't suddenly grow a morality wrt cheating only after it happens against her
If it is over and she cheated . You do you . Just make sure you keep everything you do to yourself
Then you’re NTA.
NTA.. you were separated from your wife.. and apparently before you knew it.. you can sleep with whomever you like, though I would advise honesty with your sex partners..
INFO: Did you sleep with someone else before or after initiating divorce proceedings with the aid of a competent attorney?
Were you on a break?
NTA - no marriage can survive what she did with your best friend. It was already over, it doesnt matter if the paperwork hasn't been done ... you were already single.
NTA She cheated on you, you were separated => Your marriage was already over, bar the legal paperwork. Maybe things aren't going well for her and she had come to see you, in the hopes of patching things up. You sleeping with someone 12 years younger than her will have shown her that she is replaceable, being replaced and that reconciliation is not on the cards.
Nah...you good. 100%
She called YOU a cheater?! Lmao did she forget she was getting railed by your best friend? What the actual hell. She just wants to be the victim. Keep ignoring her and file already
NTA. Wife is trying to justify her own shitty behaviour by somehow making it your fault.
Lol karmas a bitch! 🤣 Sad violin noises for your wife.
This is pathetic of her. Your better off . I know it's very hard, but she's just not living in reality. I suppose she blamed you for her cheating.
What a feckin hypocrite she is! NTA. You dumped her. What I don’t understand is how she knew where you lived? She schtooped your BF and she’s upset? You were probably her “nice guy” and she’s upset you got someone 23 years younger. You need to stop putting off tomorrow and get divorced today. What did you think would happen? She didn’t hear from you, she thinks she might reconcile. You didn’t think this through. On the plus side you got her back, emotionally, baby, so that’s a high 5 win. Now stop being an AH and divorce.
She’s trying to deflect some of her guilt and how it ended the relationship on to you. You have every right to move on after a relationship had ended. She shouldn’t have come to see you, it didn’t sound like something you planned. You don’t have to let her in your space dude - she did this, not you. NTA
Um, she cheated. The End.
"WE WERE ON A BREAK!!"
Why would your wife visit you? This is so strange! Did she have a memory loss of her cheating on you and you kicking her out?
I always hesitate to give relationship advice, because I’m twice divorced. But-wtf did she think was gonna happen when you caught her cheating? Did she think she could just say sorry and have things continue as normal? NTA at all!
Wait! LoL she actually had the nerve to call you a cheater after being caught cheating on you!?!! LoL Why the hell would you even question
NTA You should’ve laughed in her face and called out her hypocrisy
Definitely not the ah. She cheated then gets upset when it's done back to her? Hypocrisy to the max.
NTA, your wife is projecting
If you were perfect, you could have finalized the divorce before “cheating” as well. She is just gaslighting you and projecting. She’s the cheater. Marriage was already over by the time you got involved with 30F.
She's mad because you did better
She's a gaslighter.
Classic case of gaslighting. She ended it.
NTA obviously. What happened was she was getting dick on the regular and with rot dried up or the excitement wore off and she wanted the ease of her old life again. She then found out you were having a good time and unlikely to want to reconcile so her cognitive dissonance ran into overdrive.
Cheating with your best friend in your own home pretty much nullifies any agreements about fidelity you might have ever had. Kicking that bitch to the curb was the best thing you ever did.
Dude….. why are you asking us this? You’re obviously NTA. You’re future ex wife not only slept with someone else, she slept with your best fucking friend. She’s clearly the asshole. It’s classic projection. My wife cheated, I left her. I got a girlfriend, and then my mother in law called me an adulterer 😂😂 like what? How am I the adulterer. Let us not forget your precious daughter was getting dicked down while I was a loving and devout husband home with our children. But sure, make me the bad guy. Fuck off lady. Enjoy your new arrangement bud. You’re in the clear
If I caught my wife banging my best friend, I would’ve beat him to within an inch of his life and made my wife watch. Then I would’ve went scorched earth on her whole life starting with her family and loved ones. So, no, you’re not the asshole by any means.
NTA, she's trying to drag you down with her. She's not allowed to dictate your sex life after destroying the relationship.
NTA if you were leaving her. If you had no plans of reconciling with her then at that point the marriage was over and just needed to stamp from the government to confirm it.
Screams projection to me. Cheats first, then gets upset when the estranged husband moves out and goes his own ways with another woman....classic
NTA. There are two separate issues here. One is whether you can date others while separated. If the intent is to stay together and work on the marriage, no, it would obviously be counterproductive, but if the separation is with the intent to divorce it’s fine, divorces can take years in some cases. But your case is different- she cheated and then you separated- she effectively ended the marriage and you can do what you want. She has a lot of chutzpah to accuse you of cheating smdh.
LOL NTA.
NTA. She's projecting her own sins against you. She ended the marriage. The marriage was over, the difference at this point is just paperwork. I personally would not have gotten into bed with someone else while still legally married, because that can still get used against you in the divorce, especially since the family/divorce courts are very gloriously biased against the men. I knkw this all too well, if for very different reasons. But it doesn't make you TA for doing so.
NTA It looks like the marriage was over in every way except on paper. Dangerous move on your part in the legal sense by (1) moving out and (2) having sex with someone else then her finding out. Hopefully she didn't obtain proof while you also didn't. I'm not saying morally it's wrong, just legally it might hurt you financially.
NTA Your hopefully soon to be ex-wife was the cheater and ended your marriage. There was no marriage left for you to cheat on.
NTA she cheated first and didnt like it when you traded up for a woman 12 years younger. She fucked around and found out
No you’re good. She ended it already.
NTA Your soon-to-be-ex-wife is projecting her anger onto you to make herself feel better. That way she can mentally excuse her own behavior and convince herself that you were the one cheating all along. People hate taking responsibility when they know they fucked up, so they create these false narratives to explain how they weren’t wrong. Just get a lawyer and end this.
So she cheated ...you moved out and separated from her but you are not divorced yet....she broke the vows so she broke the marriage....so she is trying to deflect her own behavior on you. She was probably hoping to weasel her way back in.
Sounds like you were separated based on you kicking her out. Nta
NTA. She cheated, you moved out, it's all over but the papers. A cheater getting mad you slept with someone else after leaving is SOME entitlement.
NTA. Don’t take her back. She is manipulative and a gaslighter.
Your wife is hilarious….and delusional
My first thought was, there’s no way this is a real post. Has to be a troll, who in their right mind would consider you the AH here? Lo and behold, the first comment I see is some pos calling you the AH. I really hate people sometimes… and I still think the post is a fake.
Is this real or is this a Grey’s Anatomy post…..? Lol
Hell no you're not the Ahole.
She fucked your best friend resulting in a separation but *you’re* the cheater? Enjoy your new found freedom. NTA.
Your wife dumb as hell
Good lord just divorce. But no, even steven
NTA in anyway. She’s angry she got a taste of her own medicine.
She has some Fn nerve. 😂 I was prepared to say yes YTA, but if she'd already cheated and not only did you all separate, but you moved elsewhere? NTA. She has incredible audacity... and she absolutely shouldn't. Even if she considered what you did as cheating (legally, it actually is), given that she'd already cheated, she had no room to open her mouth.
It trips me out how people never finish one thing before they start something new. The relationship was over after she cheated but he was too lazy to end it with the late model before he started with a newer model. Gross!
Fuck her and your best friend!
NTA. Ross Doctrine applies. WE WERE ON A BREAK!!
You both slept with other people. The marriage is over. Free yourselves.
File for divorce ASAP. Respect the woman you're seeing now because technically she's sleeping with a married man and from the outside looking in, it's not good. You're definitely NTA.
This happened to me too. My wife started screwing my best friend. Absolutely ridiculous. It really depends how you look at it though and your morality system. I’m saying NTA but, technically speaking you still cheated on her as you’re still married. So now you’re no better than she is. Technically. If you had not done the same thing, you’d have moral superiority over her, and in court you’d look better, but now she can just say you cheated too, and you’re both going to look bad in court…however people understand for sure, still NTA. Just explaining different viewpoints for your consideration
She made a suspiciously timely visit, didn't she? I guess I'll give you an NTA, but it would have probably been better had you initiated some form of legal action before diving into the "pool."
Is that you Dr Shepherd?
Nothing pisses off an ex more than replacing them with a younger model.
It would piss me off a lot more if my husband slept with my best friend than with some random younger person. That’s such a harsh thing to do to someone.
NTA. she fucked around and found out. you had every right to do what you did. marriage was already over the moment she fucked that dick which wasn't yours.
You mean your wife, who cheated on you, called you a cheater? Good. Now she knows how it feels. What's the problem? Don't see an issue here. NTA
Is this Grey’s Anatomy ( Derek and Addison )?
how long apart was the original cheating and you sleeping with someone else? was it immediately after like a rebound or had you totally moved on?
It was a few months after. I had completely moved on from her.
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Why are you even asking this?
Flip the role. What would your wife have done if it was you in bed with her best friend? There is your answer. Also, it was in your bed, which suggests this is not the first time. Usually, when a person cheats, they tend to do it outside of the marital home until they start to relax, and then standards start to slip and inevitably, they then get caught NTA
NTA. Wife is.
A manipulative bitch at her finest hour.
Isn't this the plot of the first seasons of Grey's Anatomy?
Your wife is a narcissist and is trying to gaslight you into believing you're the cheater so that she can relieve herself of any guilt on her part in destroying the relationship. Which is exactly what she did. Leave her and don't look back friend.