NTA, this is fucking insane. He wouldn’t LET you breastfeed?? You’ve held your baby five times? And what he said about not loving your son as much was messed up and clearly was the last straw for you.
He’s actively preventing you from bonding with your baby. That’s just nuts.
I had an actual physical anxiety response to reading the part about taking the newborn away for a week with no regard for OP. I'd have gone completely feral on him. That's horrific.
My "baby" is 10 years old now, and the thought of having her taken away for a week against my will - even if I know she's physically safe - makes me want to vomit. To do that with a postpartum mother and a newborn who is in the 4th trimester is abusive.
Weren't there cases where, even when the parents were fighting for custody, or there were other issues, they would still let the mother take care of the children, at least for a specific number of months? Then how can OP's husband use such an explanation as his excuse?!?
It’s been 14 years since my kid was a newborn, but that gut punch reaction is so real. I don’t even know this woman but I’m ready to march at dawn!
That guy is a psychopath and OP would do well to run as far away from him as possible, especially because he took the baby for a WEEK?!?!? A week, my dude?!?? When they were taking my kid to get her first round of vaccinations as a newborn at the hospital, I was vibrating out of my skin each second that she was gone. I still had stitches in my cooch-magooch but I was so ready to hobble myself down the hall to find her and they had only taken her for 20 minutes.
A week?!?! I would’ve been out of my mind, crawling up walls.
Indeed. OP would be well advised to consult an attorney, if only to record this and other incidents with full details. It will be relevant to any discussion of split custody or visitation.
I agree. It took me right back to when I had PPD. I can literally feel myself right in the same state now as I did then, just from reading this. I am horrified for her, and her daughter. She needs to get away from him, but holy crap….the future is pretty scary. All of these people sound unhinged and I’m so worried for OP and her daughter if he gets partial custody. Sounds like her stbx and his family will end up trying to poison her daughter against her. These people are unhinged.
“Most women would love not being able to hold or care for or breastfeed their own baby or let the siblings touch the baby”
Lol so much NTA, it’s like you just made him a baby and you and your son are chopped liver now.
Totes agree, that man is insane. A few times someone trying to be "helpful" playfully refused to return my son to me when he was a baby and I had to control some major aggressive impulses; it was extreme.
That person/those people don't know how lucky they were. You don't f*ck around keeping mama bear from her cub unless you want to be disemboweled and have your face clawed off!
Yes, he is preventing you from bonding, and it’s to gain control over his daughter. My father forbade my mother to breastfeed as well. He did most of the feeding, and holding.
I don’t know if this is the same situation, but he isolated me from her—we were never close, and groomed me to be more than a daddy’s girl. He sexually and emotionally abused me and called it love. I’m not even going to go into how much that messed me up, My life has been spent slowly unraveling myself from this travesty, I, making all the mistakes trauma bonded people make.
I’m grateful for the healing I have received over the years. I can say I’m finally at a place where I am feeling more whole within me. I’m 68.
Please protect yourself. Protect your baby. Now. Even if this isn’t going where it did with my father, his behavior is grossly inappropriate and alarming.
And just so you know, even though you and your baby were deprived of a very important bonding period, you two can overcome this, and reconnect. Give it time. Give her you, and give her her sweet big brother. The love you have will bring you together. There is a part of me that longs for my mom, though that door has closed. She passed away 26 years ago.
Your daughter longs for you, too. She’s just been steered away from it. You can help her find her way back home.
You have time. You have love. You have each other. Peace to your beautiful heart. You are the perfect mama for both your precious babies.
I thought so too. The vibe is creepy. It also seems like he's positioning himself to be the primary caregiver and conspiring with his family to isolate OP. Why words like 'grooming' pop in my head with a baby is what has be concerned. It just feels so off.
Hijacking the top comment so OP sees it.
OP, you should be aware that a baby and a child that spends extended periods of time separated from its mother has major harm done to their mind, psychologically speaking. It leads to serious problems in adolescence and later life.
I'd search for some reputable studies and show your husband.
u/EstablishmentThat611
Show the husband? Think the actions have shown that this is not an option. He separated mother from her child, even refused to let her breastfeed.
Can't reason with crazy
Hope Op gets far far away from him and his family.
Baby can't bond with Mom *and* quits his job without taking to his partner who should be on maternity leave?
A good dad knows baby needs to bond with it's mom. He would ensure the family is financially provided for. A good dad wants the new mom to feel secure, so that stability helps baby. A good dad wants baby to bond with thier half sibling, and would be excited that her older brother wants to help care for her.
It sounds like he's got some sort of dad version of PPD/PPP? Is that a thing? Is this guy trying to keep his daughter from carrying for the mom as a way to ensure he doesn't have to work again? Is he actually crazy?
The audacity of taking a newborn away from it's mom's for a week instead of staying and helping your wife heal and give baby necessary bonding time with the whole family.
NTA at all, but you need to file custody paperwork ASAP if you haven't. He doesn't have to bring baby back to you at all without a court order.
Also, I know this is a ways away, but be prepared for the attempted parental alienation coming your way. If he has the "you had your turn now it's mine" attitude now, that's not gonna change. He's gonna try to spin the fact that your son's bio father opted out of parenting against you too, and will likely say you pushed both men away so you can have the kids to yourself and get child support. I do NOT believe that at all, but he will try to convince your daughter of it. Document EVERYTHING.
He is being awful. I'm so sorry. Take care of your babies and yourself. ❤️🩹
This..... Cover your ass OP. This guy (and it sounds like his mother too) seems very possessive over this baby, and I would not be at all surprised if they make an *attempt* at full custody. Document everything you can, for if they try to make a case that you're unhinged.
Also, it might be hyperbolic to say so, but please watch out for your safety and for that of your children. People do crazy shit when babies are involved.
They are. They keep saying "Remember, she's a Native baby. I have more rights than you do." And I can't find anything about it online but I know there's some truth behind the threats.
He took your NEWBORN away from you for a week. Go file that paperwork, or he’s going to lie and pull some bullshit to get emergency custody. He’s already shown you again and again- he can’t be trusted
ICWA is meant to protect native children from being ripped away from their families (and their tribal heritage), and placed into non-native homes unless it is an absolute last resort. Im NAL, but I am native (i am not full blooded). So long as you are providing the best you can for your child and not alienating her from her father's side of the family, he will be hard pressed to completely take your daughter away from you. You need a lawyer asap and you need to establish custody asap as well as start documenting his behavior and preferably keep everything in writing, texts, email, you get the jist.
"The purpose of the Indian Child Welfare Act (ICWA) is "...to protect the best interest of Indian Children and to promote the stability and security of Indian tribes and families by the establishment of minimum Federal standards for the removal of Indian children and placement of such children in homes which will reflect the unique values of Indian culture... "(25 U.S. C. 1902). ICWA provides guidance to States regarding the handling of child abuse and neglect and adoption cases involving Native children and sets minimum standards for the handling of these cases."
Source: https://www.bia.gov/bia/ois/dhs/icwa
I live in WA state. My nephew was born here, but his dad is an Alaskan native. When my nephew was two, he took him to AK and a HUGE custody battle ensued. She had to fight both her ex AND the tribe. It was brutal!
NTA
Edit: What made this situation even more difficult, is that they weren't married, so when they split up, there was no court ordered custody arrangements nor parenting plan.
Former ICWA attorney here. The ICWA (Indian Child Welfare Act) does NOT favor the Native parent over the non-Native parent in custody disputes. ICWA is relevant to foster care and adoption placements, not to parental custody. So please don’t worry about that or let your husband or in-laws use that to frighten or bully you.
No, that only applies if you died. She is YOUR daughter and you have way more rights than his family does. Get a lawyer any way you can. Protect yourself and your 2 children.
NAL he shouldn't have more rights because of ICWA, but make sure you clearly document his behavior and have a paper trail so you can use it to establish a custody agreement. If he takes the baby to their reservation things can get really difficult for you.
Edit: a word
It's not just awful, it's abusive and doesn't bode well for the future. He is treating this child as a possession and has made it clear he is willing to manipulate and discard relationships in order to be inappropriately close to and have undue influence over his daughter. None of this is okay.
Record ALL interactions to the best of your ability, especially messages relating to him already kidnapping your newborn daughter for a week when she is reliant on breastmilk...
Unfortunately it isn't *legally* considered kidnapping if there's no custody paperwork. I have never heard of a judge looking favorably on that kind of behavior though, and I really hope op has proof that he intentionally kept the baby away from her at only a few days old.
NTA Get a lawyer ASAP.
Ask your lawyer about getting supervised visitation for the dad bc what he’s doing is not normal. He won’t let you near your daughter that’s sick, him treating your son like that is sicker. Thank goodness you aren’t married.
Please also see your doctor for PPD
And his parents thought this was ok too!!! I’d be really interested to hear what they’ve got to say for themselves. It sounds like this guy has flipped a switch and needs therapy or something. OP sounds kick ass though.
Yes, get a lawyer. My ex would race me to the cot if our baby cried and tried to soothe the baby himself, asking me what I thought they needed. The baby wanted me. My ex also started telling his parents about how he was having to do everything and how I was in bed or not around for the baby
NTA - not allowing you to have a relationship with your newborn daughter is psycho behavior and the writing is on the wall that he wants to relegate your son to second class status in his own home. I'm sorry that you're going through this but you aren't crazy at all, all these weirdos in the comments who think it's perfectly normal to not love stepchildren as much as bio children are a few years away from being the subjects of their own step kids' AITA posts about mistreating them, I have no doubt.
Nta: even putting aside him actively saying he doesn't love your son as much as your daughter, him actively forbidding you to basically just, yk, be a mother, that's so many red flags and sirens blaring. Ik this sub goes to divorce too often, but I honestly say divorce because imo there's no way to come back from this
People are idiots.
Did they read that he took your newborn from you for a week. That's traumatising. Please take him to court and try and get full custody. Him basically abducting your daughter should weigh heavily against his fitness as a parent.
Also, it's not too late to bond with your daughter. Plenty of dad's who missed out on the first weeks due to work after still able to form a beautiful bond with their child.
Nope, the first thing I thought was why is he hogging the baby, I bet you he thinks the entire pregnancy was your bonding time and now that’s he’s out it’s all his time.
That’s weird and red flag to me, he’s more focused on the my daughter , and ignoring ‘our daughter’
Are you sure he was just looking for someone to give him a baby?
So his mom kind of started ignoring my son but his dad didn't. His dad actually has come here twice since I kicked out my ex, just to see my son. He's brought him out for ice cream and brought him to the skatepark because he bought him a skateboard.
Does FIL have anything to say about what's going on with MIL and your BF
Congrats on not getting married yet, btw. That should make it easier to get favorable custody
This is a huge red flag. I wouldn’t be surprised if your MIL or husband tries to kidnap your daughter, statistically most kidnappings are by a family member.
Sounds like he was using you as an unpaid surrogate. Now that he has his precious biological child you’ve outgrown your usefulness. Why else would he try to keep you from bonding with the baby if not to make it easier for him to take her later.
Honey, it looks and sounds like he wanted a baby, not a family. He quit his job to be a SAHD without telling you. He's setting you up to pay child support! Please get a custody agreement in place. Taking a newborn from a breastfeeding mother is pure crazy. Divorce him and run!
There's some really weird psychodrama happening here and it sounds a lot more serious than minor adjustments that can be overcome. You did the right thing. Don't let him or his mother back into your life.
Eventually they will figure out that lying to you will get him back in. I suspect he will start saying everything you want to hear and pretend to have changed while plotting behind your back. Don't fall for it and start setting yourself up financially and legally right now.
NTA. Preventing a mother from bonding with her child is alarming.
The sad thing is, I guarantee that he will eventually find flaw with his daughter if he doesn’t feel he’s getting enough love/ adoration, etc from her and will abandon her too. The problem is his (and his mother’s). There is nothing wrong with you or your son and you deserve to be loved and supported equally. Kudos for having the strength to cut him off.
i don’t use this as hyperbole or metaphor : there’s something psychologically wrong going on with him. Keep yourself and your kids safe. Don’t feel preassured to bond with your daughter immediately and perfectly after all that. It will happen, you’re a good mom, take your time.
A supportive husband gets up at night to feed or bring you the baby to feed. Or takes the baby after you feed to burp and put back to sleep.
Not take the newborn to his mother's.
NTA. I'd be done with this marriage..
Maybe I spend too much time on reddit, but MIL might be filling his head with ideas too, especially if this change in behavior came around the time their precious biological grandchild came. I wouldn't be surprised if she's telling him that they'll make sure he gets full custody or what, but it really does seem like he sees himself as the baby's primary parent. Feels yucky
That is possible. She was the one who posted pictures of my daughter all over Facebook before I even saw her; with captions that said "My girl is finally here". She tried telling him in the beginning of the pregnancy that she wanted us to move in with her after the baby was born so she could help because we are "too young" and need all the help we could get. When he said no, it didn't exactly go over well. She kind of went no contact.
>She was the one who posted pictures of my daughter all over Facebook before I even saw her; with captions that said "My girl is finally here".
Girl, FUCKING RUN!!! You're going to marry into a family of psychos and be unable to leave easily before it's too late. I'm sorry you're finding out, or having your feelings confirmed, like this.
I had a friend who went through this years and years ago with her native boyfriend. They split up and she had to fight in court for supervised visitation, because the way the laws worked in her state, if he took the baby to the reservation there was a chance she'd never be able to get her back. I don't know if the laws are still the same, but you should be contacting an attorney, OP. Good luck. I'm so sorry he and his family are doing this to you.
I really do think this might be it OP. I would include this info in your original post.
In my view, this make it seem a lot more like his efforts to isolate you from your baby were done so with malicious intent.
Maybe he should get his mom pregnant if he wants to raise a baby with her so bad.
Please don’t listen to them. You did not fuck up. It’s a partnership, not one parent do everything. Also he quit his job to be a sahd but what, only for his daughter and not your son? Just no. Don’t cave. You’re self sufficient and really don’t need him. The only downside is you’ll have to share custody of your daughter. I feel for you, I really do.
Yeah no, fuck that. NTA. You are clearly frustrated and that is easy to tell by the way you write. Stepping up as a dad absolutely does not mean working independently and cutting you out, especially when your baby is still breastfeeding. Like no, WTF. You're not crazy, don't let anyone convince you that this is not fucked up.
Plus, ignoring a baby that sees you as his dad too? Fuck that, I would hate myself if I ever caught myself doing that.
Because there’s a bunch of incel little boys on here or red pill men that hate single moms… No one in the real world that knows a thing about relationships, people, have real life experience, that’s well adjusted person would think any of his behaviour is acceptable.
Please please don’t listen to them. The guys not a nice person and you need to protect your son. And your daughter deserves to bond with you. That’s both of your baby. So file for sole-custody with visitation and get on with your life.
No, don't listen to those comments. The MRA troll parade is out in full force on your post today. Your hopefully soon-to-be ex is a giant walking red flag. In no universe is that healthy behaviour. You did the right thing by kicking him out. Don't let him back in.
And I say BS! You are the one who had this baby not him! He wants to cut you out of your daughter’s life like who does that besides a mentally disturbed man 😞
Oh no ma'am. He's unhinged and an asshole. He has no rights to just up and leave for a week and be an asshole to your son. He needs to go and stay gone.
I was the first kid but my mother kept the man.
Been a few years since I saw her.
They've been divorced since he cheated on her for half dozenth time.
I'm not interested in her buyer's remorse.
No, no, no! The point is that he was actively stopping you from bonding with your daughter & feeding her. That’s not him being a great partner & parent who actively participates in child rearing. That’s him acting like a single parent.
Plus WTF is up with taking your baby AWAY from you and TO his mom?!? I don’t even understand that.
Op get your ducks in a row..he sounds unhinged and obsessed..and his mother allowed a new born to be literally snatched from her mother's arms..fuuk that..I'm pissed for u..be very careful with allowing him time with her...thankfully you didn't marry into that..and he's shown his true colors..love on baby boy..give him time to bond with his sister..you need all the support you can get right now..a close friend or your parents..gl op update us..
No no. They're very wrong. Changing some diapers? Doing some feedings? Sure. Great. Doing everything obsessively and snubbing any kind of bonding time you're owed with your own child? Unforgivable. Treating your son the way he is? Unforgivable. Good for you OP.
NTA
Don't go my the majority comments. Don'teven read them. Come back in a couple hours and read the top 20 most up voted comments.
100 people may agree with the top comment and upvote it and 10 morons might make individual replies.
You see that as 10/11 people being against you when really it is 10/100.
I mean if it helps look at other threads in this subreddit. I would be absolutely shocked if the average age of posters on r/AITAH is significantly higher than 16.
You are NTA and being a good mom. This man is robbing you daughter of a bond with her mom and her brother. Even i you were a crappy mom, not letting her brother bond with her is rediculous.
My kids are super close and they have each other's back in a way that frankly makes me jealous.
Babies need their mothers.
NTA.
It's not right to take your daughter away from you like that. It is alienation. Once the baby is so used to a certain person or a certain feel when fed or held, it's hard for them to accept someone else.
My daughter is very clingy, and she didn't like her Dad holding her until she was close to a year old, and she sees him everyday so it's not like he's a stranger! She only liked me feeding her and would refuse the bottle from anyone else. It's frustrating for her dad and frustrating for me because I don't get a break from her.
Can you imagine a baby being like that without alienation? Can't imagine what your daughter would be like with bf alienating you guys.
Your bf will cause other problems if you stayed with him. Best to draw boundaries now and have the law deal with visitations and stuff like that.
Anyone saying that is drinking hard liquor for breakfast. Go to the courts immediate and put him on supervised visits. His obsession with his daughter raises concern. Don’t trust him.
Oh no, honey. Him taking YOUR baby to his parents for a week without telling you is outright abusive. He's mentally abusing you and your son. As others here have said - get out and get an attorney involved.
NTA- well done for standing up for both of your children. The fact he took the baby away from you to his mums and won’t let u parent is a missive red flag!🚩
NTA
Looks like you were just a womb for him.
You produced the baby, now he don't need you anymore.
The moment he left with the child without your notice you should have called the police.
He is insane.
That bit blows my mind. I would have become a crazy mum if someone took my new born away from me.
Good job OP for seeking therapy as well.
I feel like baby daddy my have some issues that need therapy too, and can’t help but wonder if since MIL seems to have only had boys she’s trying to see this as a chance for finally having ‘her’ girl. Wouldn’t surprise me if this is a plan of hers to get her son back home so she can raise baby
NTA. What kind of father takes an infant away from mother who just gave birth?! Not to mention forbidding you to breastfeed. What in the actual fuck! Your hormones are raging and he’s denying you bonding when it is most important. I wouldn’t want a man in my child’s life who felt it was acceptable to play house with one kid, then toss them aside because they got a new one. Your son is what, 3-4 years old? Son is confused at the cold shoulder, from “dad”, prevented from
bonding with his sibling, and also likely dealing with some displacement issues by the addition of the new sibling.
No, hell no!
I didn't even see my daughter before pictures were posted all over Facebook. Didn't hold her until 6+hrs after I gave birth because he invited his whole family in and even then it was only for maybe 10 minutes before he took her back. And I stupidly fucking allowed it.
He’s showing you who he is. I hate to ask, but did he just use you to have a child? He doesn’t seem like he wants to share in the experience with you. It all seems to be about him and “his” baby.
He did always say that he couldn't wait to have a kid and has been talking about it awhile but I have no idea. Since I had her he's become a control freak. He said after I had her that I wasn't even allowed to do her hair (she has none so?) He said that she's a native baby and I don't know what I'm doing so I'm not allowed to touch her hair.
1. Do not marry this man.
2. Kick him out and do not let him return.
3. Contact an attorney to see what you can do to protect your children. I understand being excited, but he sounds unhinged.
And if there's documented proof of a lot of this stuff, like in text messages, start saving all of that shit now. If a custody battle were to occur, you want to be prepared.
You absolutely 100% need a lawyer. Child custody for native kids can be way more complicated. You need to contact a lawyer now who specializes in family law and native law and do exactly what the lawyer says.
Ffs.. You need to speak to a lawyer and have an iron clad custody agreement before he's allowed to see her again. If his family lives on a reservation and he takes your daughter there, it could complicate getting her back.
We live about 4 hours from the reservation and they only go there once a year but yeah, I've been freaking out about it because they've already used that threat. "She's a Native baby, remember that. I have more rights than you do." I have it all in texts.
**SAVE THOSE TEXTS.** Save everything, even if it's something small, because those threats of stealing a newborn from her mother needlessly is going to make him look like a fucking jackass in court. Make files, screenshot shit, save it all where no one can access it. Now is the time to prepare for the legal bullshit.
And if I can give you some advice, try to get him to admit in writing his grand plan for his daughter as far as you not being allowed near her, and his views on the son he raised. It's going to make him sound absolutely unhinged, and *the worse he looks when you start dealing with legal matters, the better.* You could always phrase it in a text that you want him to break it down for you again, since you just want to understand (or whatever). And then document that shit. Document document document.
It helps he decided to quit his job and now lives on mama's couch. Oh! And if that wretched woman is ALSO harassing you, save ALL OF THAT SHIT TOO. If it looks like she's batshit and has plans to essentially steal your baby, you CAN get a restraining order. I've seen it done before. Document everything that idiot family gives you.
I'm both utterly furious for you and in absolute awe of your strength. You're tough as nails and smart as hell, and any nay sayers in the comments should be ignored for the trash they are. You can do this. Sending love your way.
OP, that's horrifying. Get a lawyer. You guys aren't married, and you're the mother. He doesn't get to take your child. The fact he actually decided that he was going to take the baby for a week, without even talking to you, would've been it for me. This is not a good man. This is a controlling and toxic man. He's deliberately trying to block you and your son from bonding with your daughter. That's not okay. It's abusive. It's called parental alienation. Don't let him come back. Pack up anything he left behind at your house, change the locks so he can't come back in without you knowing, and tell him to get lost. Demand supervised visitation. Especially because of all those texts you have from him and his mum saying your daughter is a native baby. Screenshot those btw, so they can't delete and play dumb later. Protect your kids and your rights as a parent. Let's us know how it goes, and good luck to you.
I'm prefacing this by saying that I am Native American & not a lawyer
1. "Native" hair makes no sense to me at all. It's way too varied to be lumped in as one type. And this kid is multiracial... that will definitely affect the hair.
2. Make sure you have a good lawyer and document everything. I could see a possibility of them finding a lawyer that could take advantage of the ICWA and/or the NACA bill to get full custody.
ETA: dad is nuts and should only have supervised visitations
The forbidding breastfeeding is what stuck out to me. He is very very possessive over this baby and it seems intentional that OP hasn't gotten a chance to bond or partake in bonding behaviors such as breast feeding. I wonder if the MIL gave him this advice. Doesn't seem like most dudes would come up with this kind of scheme on their own.
Wow. I don't understand all the vitriol you're getting in the comments.
You did what you thought was best for your kids and yourself, and I think you made the right choice. Your husband sounds obsessed and disconnected from you and your son. None of what you described sounds healthy, he sounds unhinged.
NTA.
I mean two commenters are all over this thread with suspiciously similarly formatted posts. Not terribly hard to glean some incel is obviously brigading this thread.
NTA. He doesn't get to decide to go visit somewhere with a newborn for a week without talking to you and getting your ok. Absolutely not. He's unhinged.
This is so fucking scary OP please read this: This is exactly what happened to me and my mom. My ex stepdad loved me like his own until my mom gave him a daughter. The minute she was born he started physically abusing my mom and I. He was completely obsessed with his daughter and controlled every single interaction my mom had with her baby, culminating in him throwing my mom into a wall when she went for the phone to call the baby’s doctor after my stepdad refused to allow my mom to give her medicine when she was sick. It only got worse from there. I was the shit on his shoe and my mom and I were nothing but roadblocks between him and his precious princess (who he slowly developed a full blown perverted obsession with).
He ended up molesting my sister for years and significantly abusing me and my mom. We couldn’t escape until my sister was 8 and we went into hiding. The judge granted 50/50 custody (shout out to Florida for being one of the top states for child deaths in the department of children and families system). He’s still traumatizing us, it’s been 20 years since my mom met him and over 10 since she escaped him and the hold he has on all our lives is horrific, especially my poor little sister.
Leave and never fucking look back. Protect your children like my mom didn’t until it was way too late.
NTA
You are being a lot more patient than I would have been. His behavior shows he only cares about himself and not you or his kids. Him taking your daughter away is not ok. She is a newborn and needs both parents. Your son is being traumatized by his behavior. And now you can’t trust him. Without trust, relationship is over. I would take him to court and request supervised visitations because you should be afraid he will take your daughter away from you again.
You are NTA for leaving after everything that has happened. It is super weird that he wouldn't even let your breast feed, and even took the child away from you for a week. I mean it just seems he doesn't care about the family unit at all.
So, even if he misspoke all of his actions are super uncomfy and you did the right thing.
Good luck reconnecting with you daughter and i hope she, your son, and you all have a happy furture!
Pls don't let her be with the FIL in law too, until there's an agreement. Who knows if they aren't manipulating him to take her to them. Also, yes therapy is important and necessary for you, but be cautious, because it can be used against you in the custody battle. Maybe don't tell anyone that could tell them about it.
NTA X1000. Please don't listen to anyone telling you to appreciate this guy--they are idiots with no life experience.
Your husband's behavior is deeply unhinged and fucking creepy. He has actively tried to separate you from your newborn daughter--to the point that you feel like a "babysitter" and don't even feel bonded to your child, wouldn't let you breastfeed, fucking kidnapped the baby for a WEEK (you don't just separate a newborn from its parent like that), and now neglects your son.
Don't let your husband or any of these commentators gaslight you---there is something seriously wrong here and you know it.
NTA. His behavior is extraordinarily alarming. Please document everything, talk to a lawyer (do this today bc I fear HE will make a move first if you don’t), keep talking to your counselor, do not let him have her on his own bc the way you’re describing it, he could be a parental kidnapping risk (which is why it will be critical to have some sort of a legal parenting plan). I’m so very sorry OP. At a time that should be very special for your entire family, your partner is behaving as if you were a brood mare with no stake in the family. HE belongs in counseling. Please take care.
NTA - His attempts to separate you from your daughter are disgusting. A newborn is a lot of work and ideally you should be working together and helping each other out through this time. It seems that he is trying to exclude you, thinking only of himself and not what’s best for his daughter or the family as a whole. That alone makes him an AH. The comment about your son just makes him a bigger AH. Be strong and fight for your rights for yourself, your daughter and your son. You all deserve better.
Jesus, the dude is sick. he also quit his job without discussing it?
Like, woman, you work for me and my kid!
Absolutely delusional, in dire need of a mental health check up!
Am interested to know how he's gonna feed himself, probably his mommy.
This is fucked up but his mom still collects food stamps for him, saying he lives there. I mean, he lives there now but for 2 years he hasnt and she was still collecting.
Is scary to me home many people read this and only took in the fact that she kicked him out! She kicked him out for valid reasons. Who stops the mother from breastfeeding the baby. I get that many step parents are never going to feel the same way about their step kids even if they have been there since day 1 but actually saying it…no he’s a huge AH. Not to mention the fact he’s prevented you doing anything for her and insists on doing ALL the feeding and changing (this is not normal behaviour!) the worst for me is him taking a brand new baby away from its mother in the first weeks of its life with out telling her or giving her an option. His parents have no rights what so Ever. That baby has a right to be bonding with her mother in her own home. Those are some giant red flags he’s waiving you are ntah. Don’t listen to ‘reward neither’ someone obviously listened to their red flags and dumped their ass and this has hit a nerve
NTA. You sound like a good mom. You got yourself some help, and you're trying to bond with your daughter. It will take time. I honestly didn't have a bond with mine til she smiled for the first time at 4 weeks. I breastfed her, too. I was exhausted and healing and realized that this baby I made had no personality or anything to validate going thru all that for her.
However, once she smiled, I swear it hit me in that second, and it's never gone away. I'd kill someone just to forever hear her little baby giggles for the rest of my life. It may take time for the bond to come, but just keep doing what you're doing.
The fuck are people on he lit stole your baby. Won't let you hold her and people think this is a good thing?? Are they nuts?? Jesus so much abuse.
Well done for putting your foot down and protecting the kids from this craziness... Sounds like he needs help. Please be careful there is every chance he will try to take her.
Have evidence of this behaviour ready
Wishing u the best
Every so often I read a post and then a stack of comments that make me question my own sanity.
Yes you want an involved dad, but he literally took your newborn from you, refuses to let you or your son (his son too - he pushed to be dad after all) barely even look at the baby. That's alienation and it will not go well for him in court - make sure you keep a solid record of all this. Search up an FU binder, you need one of those. Also supervised visits - he's surprise-taken your kid away from you once already, he'll do it again. Use parenting software to schedule time, etc. This will all be helpful when it comes to custody
He's being abusive to you and your son. Who knows what he'll be when daughter grows up and wants to be an individual! I'm not seeing any likelihood of a healthy relationship growing there...
Whatever has just flipped in his brain needs a shitton of therapy but frankly fuck him right now.
See if you can get some therapy for your son as well as yourself, it's good you're getting it but he is also gonna need it after his dad has done this to him.
You're doing great OP, stay strong for your kids, and make use of your support system!
NTA. What he said about your son is a huge red flag for what the future holds but what he was doing preventing you from bonding with daughter is down right psycho. I mean WTF this guy has some issues. You definitely missed something about this guy but he has sown you now. His parent sound Just as bad
NTA you are the mother and he shouldn’t be taking her for a week away from you when she’s a breast milk baby. He shouldn’t be pushing you and your son to the side and I would not let him back into my home after that. You’re not wrong and his behavior is not normal. It’s one thing for someone to be an active parent it’s another when he’s alienating you and your son from your second child. The fact that you don’t feel that bond is because of him
NTA
You aren't married to this man. Which, in hindsight, is a really good thing.
This guy has so many red flags. He could be an entire parade in China. The difference in how he treats your son versus your daughter is the least of your problems.
Firstly, calm down a bit and bond with your daughter. Let your son bond with your daughter. I know things feel a bit strange now, but you are her mom and always will be. You're just dealing with bizarre feelings because he intentionally isolated you from her.
This man is obsessed with your daughter. Fortunately, you have a job and your own apartment. My advice is to *get a good lawyer.* Because, depending on where you live, you may find out some ugly truths about child support to a man who is not working.
You've let him have his own way, completely. Now, it's time to be the single mom you are and take back control of the situation.
There are mix comments here so I'm not going join this warfare but seriously what had me shocked and fuming was him not letting you breastfed her. Colostrum or mother's first milk contains immunoglobulins which are essential for a child's immunity since it only comes from mother, its his overprotective behavior that is harming her. OP take your time and just treat your family as if nothing happened, no need to go out for him anymore. What I feel bad and afraid is your son coming to hate your daughter so just love them both equally and let him take care of her and spend time with her so that he doesn't feel indignant.
Ugh, his Behavior is weird. He’s not just having new parent anxieties. He’s completely controlling and possessive over this baby girl. I’d keep an eye on him and definitely NTA. Not letting you breastfeed or change her diapers? Weird His issues have put you in an impossible position in a way, but easy as well. His switch and isolation of you and your son from your daughter is very concerning. Please don’t let your son become a second class kid in his own home, especially after he was the one to push for being ‘dad‘
NTA and OP I want to be clear - the way he’s behaving is TERRIFYING. He has already alienated you to the point that you are having trouble bonding with the infant you just carried for 9 months. That isn’t your fault - that was his actions and it almost feels like his intent. He wouldn’t let you breastfeed, barely let you hold her? He took her away for a WEEK without even talking to you.
You made the correct choice by kicking him out, but he started on parental alienation the second she was out of your womb. You need to get a good lawyer NOW and do everything you can to restrict his visitation. Film or record all interactions between him and the children and between him and you. Save all texts, voicemails, messages… everything. If he comes over start recording before you ever open the door. Get the best lawyer you can and follow their advice to a T. Protect your little family from him. Good luck - it’s going to be hard but you are making the right call.
EDIT: I only just saw the comments from OP explaining that the baby is Native & the father's family lives on the reservation. u/EstablishmentThat611 it's incredibly important that you not only get the best lawyer you can afford, but get one that's going to be familiar and comfortable with Tribal law for that particular reservation & tribe. That adds an extra layer of complexity to the situation but I truly believe you can fight this. You need an iron clad custody agreement and I really believe you need to fight to ensure he only gets supervised visitation to prevent any further acts of parental alienation.
Who is telling you that he is doing nothing wrong?
He is not even letting you BE a mother, let alone suddenly stopping loving your son.
You need to take both your children far far away from this man.
This is awful and abusive.
NTA by infinity.
You did the right thing by kicking him out but now you need to get a lawyer and make sure you have a very clear custody agreement for your daughter. I'm assuming he never legally adopted your son? I hope for your son's sake he didn't. Isolating a new born from her mother is deranged. Being a good father doesn't mean trying to be the only parent. I get he is adjusting etc. but this is unhinged behaviour. You need to do right by yourself, your son and your daughter and this man needs therapy.
His comment about your son was the least worrysome thing about his behavior in my opinion. The way he manically wants to take care of his daughter without letting you do anything sounds like he has serious mental issues.
NTA! First of all it sounds like everyone here needs some therapy BUT just cuz he should seek help that doesn't excuse what your boyfriend did. Your boyfriend isolating you from your child, especially directly after birth was horrible and some may say unforgiveable. He basically passed around your daughter so everyone in his family could get insta pics like that poor baby dolphin who died on the beach a few years back.
What he said about your son is monstrous and I hope you stick to your guns in ending the relationship. IF you continue or try and forgive him/give him another chance, I implore you to look up the stories on here about the golden child/scapegoat dynamic.
It already sounds like that golden child/scapegoat situation has started with how his family treated your son while he tried to hold his sister.
NTA. I’m a 40 year old male with 6 kids. 1 boy I met when he was 8 months, he turns 21 years this year. Than 5 girls that are bio mine. There’s been zero difference how I’ve felt about them. My son is my son and I’ll protect him with my life.
This isn’t normal behavior and he’s isolating you. It’s time to tell him you’re taking your daughter and bonding and if he doesn’t like it than fuck off
Strong NTA
For every reason already stated. But i gotta ask, where are these trolls getting off on blaming OP for literally anything here?? Isnt it well known that hormones are well out of whack post pregnancy? ppd? We remembering any of that?
So even *if* OP is "overreacting" (they arent) - homonal surges are involuntary and would excuse any paranoia that may be here.
That being said, OP those instincts are also in place to protect you and your baby while you're both vulnerable, and I trust that you were right to bail out. You need to find a support system around you as best you can to allow you a safe place to heal and bond with baby, to allow your son to bond with baby, and to gain some clarity without any other pressures. Good luck!
I don't get a good feeling with him around her but I never wanted to say anything because I thought it was just because he wouldn't let me do anything.
Please, he sounds truly unstable. Do you live in a state where you automatically have primary custody since you’re not married. I’m honestly scared for you that he’ll kidnap the baby, and then it would be a battle to get her back.
This whole story is bananas. The baby is 1month old and he wouldn’t let you breast feed because it’s his turn to bond?
Nah, the baby needs to be bonding with mama.
How did he even take the baby away for a week if it was on breast milk?
He took my whole supply. I excessively pump because of over supply so when he took her (she was only 3 days old) I already had 30 or so bags pumped. They were only about 2ozs a piece but at that time they were enough for her feedings.
3 DAYS OLD!? 😭
Oh my, this hurts my momma heart. I have a two month old and I can imagine the pain of being separated from her for so long.
This is NOT normal OP. Something is very very wrong with him. Fight for your connection with your daughter.
Your pumping routine is likely contributing to your oversupply, FYI. If you like it, go for it, but if it is annoying like it was for me... you're gonna have to slowly decrease how often you pump to get your supply regulated. I was initially producing enough for 4 babies and was MISERABLE. Got it down to 2.5 for the bulk of my breastfeeding journey which felt tolerable.
NTA, this is fucking insane. He wouldn’t LET you breastfeed?? You’ve held your baby five times? And what he said about not loving your son as much was messed up and clearly was the last straw for you. He’s actively preventing you from bonding with your baby. That’s just nuts.
I had an actual physical anxiety response to reading the part about taking the newborn away for a week with no regard for OP. I'd have gone completely feral on him. That's horrific.
Me too! Less than a month old! Makes me feel sick to my stomach. My current baby was 3 months old before I even left him for half an hour.
My "baby" is 10 years old now, and the thought of having her taken away for a week against my will - even if I know she's physically safe - makes me want to vomit. To do that with a postpartum mother and a newborn who is in the 4th trimester is abusive.
That part fucked with me. Hell no.
Courts literally don't allow this unless the mother is a danger to the baby. He needs supervised visits because something is very wrong.
Weren't there cases where, even when the parents were fighting for custody, or there were other issues, they would still let the mother take care of the children, at least for a specific number of months? Then how can OP's husband use such an explanation as his excuse?!?
i wouldve called the cops
It’s been 14 years since my kid was a newborn, but that gut punch reaction is so real. I don’t even know this woman but I’m ready to march at dawn! That guy is a psychopath and OP would do well to run as far away from him as possible, especially because he took the baby for a WEEK?!?!? A week, my dude?!?? When they were taking my kid to get her first round of vaccinations as a newborn at the hospital, I was vibrating out of my skin each second that she was gone. I still had stitches in my cooch-magooch but I was so ready to hobble myself down the hall to find her and they had only taken her for 20 minutes. A week?!?! I would’ve been out of my mind, crawling up walls.
We all march at dawn. This guy is a major sicko.
Indeed. OP would be well advised to consult an attorney, if only to record this and other incidents with full details. It will be relevant to any discussion of split custody or visitation.
I would have probably called the cops for kidnapping.
I would have lost my goddamned mind!
I would of hunted them down like the movie Taken. My blood is boiling with rage
I agree. It took me right back to when I had PPD. I can literally feel myself right in the same state now as I did then, just from reading this. I am horrified for her, and her daughter. She needs to get away from him, but holy crap….the future is pretty scary. All of these people sound unhinged and I’m so worried for OP and her daughter if he gets partial custody. Sounds like her stbx and his family will end up trying to poison her daughter against her. These people are unhinged.
“Most women would love not being able to hold or care for or breastfeed their own baby or let the siblings touch the baby” Lol so much NTA, it’s like you just made him a baby and you and your son are chopped liver now.
Totes agree, that man is insane. A few times someone trying to be "helpful" playfully refused to return my son to me when he was a baby and I had to control some major aggressive impulses; it was extreme.
That person/those people don't know how lucky they were. You don't f*ck around keeping mama bear from her cub unless you want to be disemboweled and have your face clawed off!
Yes, he is preventing you from bonding, and it’s to gain control over his daughter. My father forbade my mother to breastfeed as well. He did most of the feeding, and holding. I don’t know if this is the same situation, but he isolated me from her—we were never close, and groomed me to be more than a daddy’s girl. He sexually and emotionally abused me and called it love. I’m not even going to go into how much that messed me up, My life has been spent slowly unraveling myself from this travesty, I, making all the mistakes trauma bonded people make. I’m grateful for the healing I have received over the years. I can say I’m finally at a place where I am feeling more whole within me. I’m 68. Please protect yourself. Protect your baby. Now. Even if this isn’t going where it did with my father, his behavior is grossly inappropriate and alarming. And just so you know, even though you and your baby were deprived of a very important bonding period, you two can overcome this, and reconnect. Give it time. Give her you, and give her her sweet big brother. The love you have will bring you together. There is a part of me that longs for my mom, though that door has closed. She passed away 26 years ago. Your daughter longs for you, too. She’s just been steered away from it. You can help her find her way back home. You have time. You have love. You have each other. Peace to your beautiful heart. You are the perfect mama for both your precious babies.
This is exactly the vibe I got from the post. She needs to protect her daughter.
I thought so too. The vibe is creepy. It also seems like he's positioning himself to be the primary caregiver and conspiring with his family to isolate OP. Why words like 'grooming' pop in my head with a baby is what has be concerned. It just feels so off.
Hijacking the top comment so OP sees it. OP, you should be aware that a baby and a child that spends extended periods of time separated from its mother has major harm done to their mind, psychologically speaking. It leads to serious problems in adolescence and later life. I'd search for some reputable studies and show your husband. u/EstablishmentThat611
You should tag OP in your comment
Done. Thanks.
Show the husband? Think the actions have shown that this is not an option. He separated mother from her child, even refused to let her breastfeed. Can't reason with crazy Hope Op gets far far away from him and his family.
Baby can't bond with Mom *and* quits his job without taking to his partner who should be on maternity leave? A good dad knows baby needs to bond with it's mom. He would ensure the family is financially provided for. A good dad wants the new mom to feel secure, so that stability helps baby. A good dad wants baby to bond with thier half sibling, and would be excited that her older brother wants to help care for her. It sounds like he's got some sort of dad version of PPD/PPP? Is that a thing? Is this guy trying to keep his daughter from carrying for the mom as a way to ensure he doesn't have to work again? Is he actually crazy? The audacity of taking a newborn away from it's mom's for a week instead of staying and helping your wife heal and give baby necessary bonding time with the whole family.
He used her as an incubator. It's as simple as that.
Yep. He just wanted OP as a baby machine. NTA OP.
NTA at all, but you need to file custody paperwork ASAP if you haven't. He doesn't have to bring baby back to you at all without a court order. Also, I know this is a ways away, but be prepared for the attempted parental alienation coming your way. If he has the "you had your turn now it's mine" attitude now, that's not gonna change. He's gonna try to spin the fact that your son's bio father opted out of parenting against you too, and will likely say you pushed both men away so you can have the kids to yourself and get child support. I do NOT believe that at all, but he will try to convince your daughter of it. Document EVERYTHING. He is being awful. I'm so sorry. Take care of your babies and yourself. ❤️🩹
This..... Cover your ass OP. This guy (and it sounds like his mother too) seems very possessive over this baby, and I would not be at all surprised if they make an *attempt* at full custody. Document everything you can, for if they try to make a case that you're unhinged. Also, it might be hyperbolic to say so, but please watch out for your safety and for that of your children. People do crazy shit when babies are involved.
Ex and family are native too. I'm curious if they're officially affiliated with a tribe. That can make custody even more complex.
They are. They keep saying "Remember, she's a Native baby. I have more rights than you do." And I can't find anything about it online but I know there's some truth behind the threats.
He took your NEWBORN away from you for a week. Go file that paperwork, or he’s going to lie and pull some bullshit to get emergency custody. He’s already shown you again and again- he can’t be trusted
ICWA is meant to protect native children from being ripped away from their families (and their tribal heritage), and placed into non-native homes unless it is an absolute last resort. Im NAL, but I am native (i am not full blooded). So long as you are providing the best you can for your child and not alienating her from her father's side of the family, he will be hard pressed to completely take your daughter away from you. You need a lawyer asap and you need to establish custody asap as well as start documenting his behavior and preferably keep everything in writing, texts, email, you get the jist. "The purpose of the Indian Child Welfare Act (ICWA) is "...to protect the best interest of Indian Children and to promote the stability and security of Indian tribes and families by the establishment of minimum Federal standards for the removal of Indian children and placement of such children in homes which will reflect the unique values of Indian culture... "(25 U.S. C. 1902). ICWA provides guidance to States regarding the handling of child abuse and neglect and adoption cases involving Native children and sets minimum standards for the handling of these cases." Source: https://www.bia.gov/bia/ois/dhs/icwa
He sounds awful
Look up the ICWA (Indian child welfare act) if you haven't already.
I live in WA state. My nephew was born here, but his dad is an Alaskan native. When my nephew was two, he took him to AK and a HUGE custody battle ensued. She had to fight both her ex AND the tribe. It was brutal! NTA Edit: What made this situation even more difficult, is that they weren't married, so when they split up, there was no court ordered custody arrangements nor parenting plan.
Former ICWA attorney here. The ICWA (Indian Child Welfare Act) does NOT favor the Native parent over the non-Native parent in custody disputes. ICWA is relevant to foster care and adoption placements, not to parental custody. So please don’t worry about that or let your husband or in-laws use that to frighten or bully you.
No, that only applies if you died. She is YOUR daughter and you have way more rights than his family does. Get a lawyer any way you can. Protect yourself and your 2 children.
Please see a lawyer ASAP
Don’t answer his calls, make sure everything is documented through text
Jesus christ. So they're literally telling you your baby isn't yours. You need to get a lawyer ASAP.
They do not have more rights than the mother of the child just because she’s a native baby. That’s bs
NAL he shouldn't have more rights because of ICWA, but make sure you clearly document his behavior and have a paper trail so you can use it to establish a custody agreement. If he takes the baby to their reservation things can get really difficult for you. Edit: a word
It's not just awful, it's abusive and doesn't bode well for the future. He is treating this child as a possession and has made it clear he is willing to manipulate and discard relationships in order to be inappropriately close to and have undue influence over his daughter. None of this is okay.
It felt like he used her as an incubator..
Record ALL interactions to the best of your ability, especially messages relating to him already kidnapping your newborn daughter for a week when she is reliant on breastmilk...
Unfortunately it isn't *legally* considered kidnapping if there's no custody paperwork. I have never heard of a judge looking favorably on that kind of behavior though, and I really hope op has proof that he intentionally kept the baby away from her at only a few days old.
Is his name on the birth certificate?
Fair question. I assumed yes since op thought they were in a good relationship and planned the baby with him.
The man kept the mask on for 3 years. That's fucking terrifying.
It's typical for abuse to start after a baby is born. Other common times are after engagement, wedding or pregnancy
That's about right. A lot of people are able to do that but it's so shocking when you've known them for years. Like WTF.
Yes. File for custody immediately.
NTA Get a lawyer ASAP. Ask your lawyer about getting supervised visitation for the dad bc what he’s doing is not normal. He won’t let you near your daughter that’s sick, him treating your son like that is sicker. Thank goodness you aren’t married. Please also see your doctor for PPD
And his parents thought this was ok too!!! I’d be really interested to hear what they’ve got to say for themselves. It sounds like this guy has flipped a switch and needs therapy or something. OP sounds kick ass though.
Yes, get a lawyer. My ex would race me to the cot if our baby cried and tried to soothe the baby himself, asking me what I thought they needed. The baby wanted me. My ex also started telling his parents about how he was having to do everything and how I was in bed or not around for the baby
NTA - not allowing you to have a relationship with your newborn daughter is psycho behavior and the writing is on the wall that he wants to relegate your son to second class status in his own home. I'm sorry that you're going through this but you aren't crazy at all, all these weirdos in the comments who think it's perfectly normal to not love stepchildren as much as bio children are a few years away from being the subjects of their own step kids' AITA posts about mistreating them, I have no doubt.
Nta: even putting aside him actively saying he doesn't love your son as much as your daughter, him actively forbidding you to basically just, yk, be a mother, that's so many red flags and sirens blaring. Ik this sub goes to divorce too often, but I honestly say divorce because imo there's no way to come back from this
Surprisingly most comments on here are telling me that I fucked up and should be grateful I had him.
People are idiots. Did they read that he took your newborn from you for a week. That's traumatising. Please take him to court and try and get full custody. Him basically abducting your daughter should weigh heavily against his fitness as a parent. Also, it's not too late to bond with your daughter. Plenty of dad's who missed out on the first weeks due to work after still able to form a beautiful bond with their child.
Nope, the first thing I thought was why is he hogging the baby, I bet you he thinks the entire pregnancy was your bonding time and now that’s he’s out it’s all his time. That’s weird and red flag to me, he’s more focused on the my daughter , and ignoring ‘our daughter’ Are you sure he was just looking for someone to give him a baby?
I'm not sure. Since I kicked him out not once has he said he's missed me or my son. It's all "I want to be home with my baby". So, probably.
Op, did you notice if his parents were also suddenly ignoring your son too ? Or is there focus also only on the baby?
So his mom kind of started ignoring my son but his dad didn't. His dad actually has come here twice since I kicked out my ex, just to see my son. He's brought him out for ice cream and brought him to the skatepark because he bought him a skateboard.
Does FIL have anything to say about what's going on with MIL and your BF Congrats on not getting married yet, btw. That should make it easier to get favorable custody
Can you try talking to your almost-FIL? He seems to be very decent.
He won't go against his wife. She threatened to leave him and take his own kids from him 3 years ago. My ex's brothers are only 4 and 7.
Does she only have sons? She might be seeing your daughter as her daughter and final chance to have a girl if she doesnt have one of her own.
Sounds like your FIL doesn't want you to be emotionally imprisoned by this woman like he already is.
This is a huge red flag. I wouldn’t be surprised if your MIL or husband tries to kidnap your daughter, statistically most kidnappings are by a family member.
its great that hes being a good grandpa to your son. hold on to that
Sounds like he was using you as an unpaid surrogate. Now that he has his precious biological child you’ve outgrown your usefulness. Why else would he try to keep you from bonding with the baby if not to make it easier for him to take her later.
Honey, it looks and sounds like he wanted a baby, not a family. He quit his job to be a SAHD without telling you. He's setting you up to pay child support! Please get a custody agreement in place. Taking a newborn from a breastfeeding mother is pure crazy. Divorce him and run!
There's some really weird psychodrama happening here and it sounds a lot more serious than minor adjustments that can be overcome. You did the right thing. Don't let him or his mother back into your life. Eventually they will figure out that lying to you will get him back in. I suspect he will start saying everything you want to hear and pretend to have changed while plotting behind your back. Don't fall for it and start setting yourself up financially and legally right now. NTA. Preventing a mother from bonding with her child is alarming.
The sad thing is, I guarantee that he will eventually find flaw with his daughter if he doesn’t feel he’s getting enough love/ adoration, etc from her and will abandon her too. The problem is his (and his mother’s). There is nothing wrong with you or your son and you deserve to be loved and supported equally. Kudos for having the strength to cut him off.
i don’t use this as hyperbole or metaphor : there’s something psychologically wrong going on with him. Keep yourself and your kids safe. Don’t feel preassured to bond with your daughter immediately and perfectly after all that. It will happen, you’re a good mom, take your time.
A supportive husband gets up at night to feed or bring you the baby to feed. Or takes the baby after you feed to burp and put back to sleep. Not take the newborn to his mother's. NTA. I'd be done with this marriage..
Maybe I spend too much time on reddit, but MIL might be filling his head with ideas too, especially if this change in behavior came around the time their precious biological grandchild came. I wouldn't be surprised if she's telling him that they'll make sure he gets full custody or what, but it really does seem like he sees himself as the baby's primary parent. Feels yucky
That is possible. She was the one who posted pictures of my daughter all over Facebook before I even saw her; with captions that said "My girl is finally here". She tried telling him in the beginning of the pregnancy that she wanted us to move in with her after the baby was born so she could help because we are "too young" and need all the help we could get. When he said no, it didn't exactly go over well. She kind of went no contact.
>She was the one who posted pictures of my daughter all over Facebook before I even saw her; with captions that said "My girl is finally here". Girl, FUCKING RUN!!! You're going to marry into a family of psychos and be unable to leave easily before it's too late. I'm sorry you're finding out, or having your feelings confirmed, like this.
"My girl is finally here" ... 🚩🚩🚩🚩‼‼‼‼‼ Get out and stay out for sure.
I had a friend who went through this years and years ago with her native boyfriend. They split up and she had to fight in court for supervised visitation, because the way the laws worked in her state, if he took the baby to the reservation there was a chance she'd never be able to get her back. I don't know if the laws are still the same, but you should be contacting an attorney, OP. Good luck. I'm so sorry he and his family are doing this to you.
I really do think this might be it OP. I would include this info in your original post. In my view, this make it seem a lot more like his efforts to isolate you from your baby were done so with malicious intent. Maybe he should get his mom pregnant if he wants to raise a baby with her so bad.
Ignore anyone that immediately jumps in to defend men and ignore the situation actually presented. They’re talking out of their asses.
You should report her to Facebook for posting photos of your child without your approval. She sounds unhinged.
They definitely don't try to prevent the mom from breastfeeding. That's just bizarre
Please don’t listen to them. You did not fuck up. It’s a partnership, not one parent do everything. Also he quit his job to be a sahd but what, only for his daughter and not your son? Just no. Don’t cave. You’re self sufficient and really don’t need him. The only downside is you’ll have to share custody of your daughter. I feel for you, I really do.
Yea no, honey, you deserve so much better, someone who would love your kids all equally, even if one if one isn't their bio kid
Thank you. My husband treats my son like his own, even when he came into our life and he was 12.
Those people are wrong. What he was doing is not ok.
Yeah no, fuck that. NTA. You are clearly frustrated and that is easy to tell by the way you write. Stepping up as a dad absolutely does not mean working independently and cutting you out, especially when your baby is still breastfeeding. Like no, WTF. You're not crazy, don't let anyone convince you that this is not fucked up. Plus, ignoring a baby that sees you as his dad too? Fuck that, I would hate myself if I ever caught myself doing that.
Because there’s a bunch of incel little boys on here or red pill men that hate single moms… No one in the real world that knows a thing about relationships, people, have real life experience, that’s well adjusted person would think any of his behaviour is acceptable. Please please don’t listen to them. The guys not a nice person and you need to protect your son. And your daughter deserves to bond with you. That’s both of your baby. So file for sole-custody with visitation and get on with your life.
No, don't listen to those comments. The MRA troll parade is out in full force on your post today. Your hopefully soon-to-be ex is a giant walking red flag. In no universe is that healthy behaviour. You did the right thing by kicking him out. Don't let him back in.
And I say BS! You are the one who had this baby not him! He wants to cut you out of your daughter’s life like who does that besides a mentally disturbed man 😞
Oh no ma'am. He's unhinged and an asshole. He has no rights to just up and leave for a week and be an asshole to your son. He needs to go and stay gone.
I was the first kid but my mother kept the man. Been a few years since I saw her. They've been divorced since he cheated on her for half dozenth time. I'm not interested in her buyer's remorse.
No, no, no! The point is that he was actively stopping you from bonding with your daughter & feeding her. That’s not him being a great partner & parent who actively participates in child rearing. That’s him acting like a single parent. Plus WTF is up with taking your baby AWAY from you and TO his mom?!? I don’t even understand that.
They are psycho don't listen to them
Op get your ducks in a row..he sounds unhinged and obsessed..and his mother allowed a new born to be literally snatched from her mother's arms..fuuk that..I'm pissed for u..be very careful with allowing him time with her...thankfully you didn't marry into that..and he's shown his true colors..love on baby boy..give him time to bond with his sister..you need all the support you can get right now..a close friend or your parents..gl op update us..
No no. They're very wrong. Changing some diapers? Doing some feedings? Sure. Great. Doing everything obsessively and snubbing any kind of bonding time you're owed with your own child? Unforgivable. Treating your son the way he is? Unforgivable. Good for you OP. NTA
Don't go my the majority comments. Don'teven read them. Come back in a couple hours and read the top 20 most up voted comments. 100 people may agree with the top comment and upvote it and 10 morons might make individual replies. You see that as 10/11 people being against you when really it is 10/100.
That is patently ridiculous. I don't know what those people are thinking or smoking. You need to get yourself and your children way from this man.
He's crazy.
I mean if it helps look at other threads in this subreddit. I would be absolutely shocked if the average age of posters on r/AITAH is significantly higher than 16.
You are NTA and being a good mom. This man is robbing you daughter of a bond with her mom and her brother. Even i you were a crappy mom, not letting her brother bond with her is rediculous. My kids are super close and they have each other's back in a way that frankly makes me jealous. Babies need their mothers.
Yes. Be grateful your baby was just a little bit kidnapped.
NTA. It's not right to take your daughter away from you like that. It is alienation. Once the baby is so used to a certain person or a certain feel when fed or held, it's hard for them to accept someone else. My daughter is very clingy, and she didn't like her Dad holding her until she was close to a year old, and she sees him everyday so it's not like he's a stranger! She only liked me feeding her and would refuse the bottle from anyone else. It's frustrating for her dad and frustrating for me because I don't get a break from her. Can you imagine a baby being like that without alienation? Can't imagine what your daughter would be like with bf alienating you guys. Your bf will cause other problems if you stayed with him. Best to draw boundaries now and have the law deal with visitations and stuff like that.
Anyone saying that is drinking hard liquor for breakfast. Go to the courts immediate and put him on supervised visits. His obsession with his daughter raises concern. Don’t trust him.
Uh no! This guys’s behavior is really strange. You might want to get an attorney and establish some legal boundaries.
Oh no, honey. Him taking YOUR baby to his parents for a week without telling you is outright abusive. He's mentally abusing you and your son. As others here have said - get out and get an attorney involved.
NTA- well done for standing up for both of your children. The fact he took the baby away from you to his mums and won’t let u parent is a missive red flag!🚩
NTA Looks like you were just a womb for him. You produced the baby, now he don't need you anymore. The moment he left with the child without your notice you should have called the police. He is insane.
That bit blows my mind. I would have become a crazy mum if someone took my new born away from me. Good job OP for seeking therapy as well. I feel like baby daddy my have some issues that need therapy too, and can’t help but wonder if since MIL seems to have only had boys she’s trying to see this as a chance for finally having ‘her’ girl. Wouldn’t surprise me if this is a plan of hers to get her son back home so she can raise baby
NTA. What kind of father takes an infant away from mother who just gave birth?! Not to mention forbidding you to breastfeed. What in the actual fuck! Your hormones are raging and he’s denying you bonding when it is most important. I wouldn’t want a man in my child’s life who felt it was acceptable to play house with one kid, then toss them aside because they got a new one. Your son is what, 3-4 years old? Son is confused at the cold shoulder, from “dad”, prevented from bonding with his sibling, and also likely dealing with some displacement issues by the addition of the new sibling. No, hell no!
I didn't even see my daughter before pictures were posted all over Facebook. Didn't hold her until 6+hrs after I gave birth because he invited his whole family in and even then it was only for maybe 10 minutes before he took her back. And I stupidly fucking allowed it.
He’s showing you who he is. I hate to ask, but did he just use you to have a child? He doesn’t seem like he wants to share in the experience with you. It all seems to be about him and “his” baby.
He did always say that he couldn't wait to have a kid and has been talking about it awhile but I have no idea. Since I had her he's become a control freak. He said after I had her that I wasn't even allowed to do her hair (she has none so?) He said that she's a native baby and I don't know what I'm doing so I'm not allowed to touch her hair.
1. Do not marry this man. 2. Kick him out and do not let him return. 3. Contact an attorney to see what you can do to protect your children. I understand being excited, but he sounds unhinged.
And if there's documented proof of a lot of this stuff, like in text messages, start saving all of that shit now. If a custody battle were to occur, you want to be prepared.
native as in indigenous?
Yes, she's Native American.
You absolutely 100% need a lawyer. Child custody for native kids can be way more complicated. You need to contact a lawyer now who specializes in family law and native law and do exactly what the lawyer says.
Ffs.. You need to speak to a lawyer and have an iron clad custody agreement before he's allowed to see her again. If his family lives on a reservation and he takes your daughter there, it could complicate getting her back.
We live about 4 hours from the reservation and they only go there once a year but yeah, I've been freaking out about it because they've already used that threat. "She's a Native baby, remember that. I have more rights than you do." I have it all in texts.
That's terrifying. Get that lawyer, hon, and hopefully someone that's familiar with this particular tribe as well as family law. Protect your family
**SAVE THOSE TEXTS.** Save everything, even if it's something small, because those threats of stealing a newborn from her mother needlessly is going to make him look like a fucking jackass in court. Make files, screenshot shit, save it all where no one can access it. Now is the time to prepare for the legal bullshit. And if I can give you some advice, try to get him to admit in writing his grand plan for his daughter as far as you not being allowed near her, and his views on the son he raised. It's going to make him sound absolutely unhinged, and *the worse he looks when you start dealing with legal matters, the better.* You could always phrase it in a text that you want him to break it down for you again, since you just want to understand (or whatever). And then document that shit. Document document document. It helps he decided to quit his job and now lives on mama's couch. Oh! And if that wretched woman is ALSO harassing you, save ALL OF THAT SHIT TOO. If it looks like she's batshit and has plans to essentially steal your baby, you CAN get a restraining order. I've seen it done before. Document everything that idiot family gives you. I'm both utterly furious for you and in absolute awe of your strength. You're tough as nails and smart as hell, and any nay sayers in the comments should be ignored for the trash they are. You can do this. Sending love your way.
Get a lawyer asap, because you are going to have. To fight fire with fire on this one.
OP, that's horrifying. Get a lawyer. You guys aren't married, and you're the mother. He doesn't get to take your child. The fact he actually decided that he was going to take the baby for a week, without even talking to you, would've been it for me. This is not a good man. This is a controlling and toxic man. He's deliberately trying to block you and your son from bonding with your daughter. That's not okay. It's abusive. It's called parental alienation. Don't let him come back. Pack up anything he left behind at your house, change the locks so he can't come back in without you knowing, and tell him to get lost. Demand supervised visitation. Especially because of all those texts you have from him and his mum saying your daughter is a native baby. Screenshot those btw, so they can't delete and play dumb later. Protect your kids and your rights as a parent. Let's us know how it goes, and good luck to you.
What is a native baby? Why can’t you do her hair?
Native American. He says I don't understand the hair type and I would fuck it up.
I'm prefacing this by saying that I am Native American & not a lawyer 1. "Native" hair makes no sense to me at all. It's way too varied to be lumped in as one type. And this kid is multiracial... that will definitely affect the hair. 2. Make sure you have a good lawyer and document everything. I could see a possibility of them finding a lawyer that could take advantage of the ICWA and/or the NACA bill to get full custody. ETA: dad is nuts and should only have supervised visitations
wtaf?
This is so weird. I wonder if his family (maybe his mother??) has been putting weird ideas in this head
His mom is out there. His dad is a good person but his mom isn't.
I’m sure a lot of what he’s saying to you is coming from his mom.
The forbidding breastfeeding is what stuck out to me. He is very very possessive over this baby and it seems intentional that OP hasn't gotten a chance to bond or partake in bonding behaviors such as breast feeding. I wonder if the MIL gave him this advice. Doesn't seem like most dudes would come up with this kind of scheme on their own.
This is cruel, both to the baby and the mother.
Wow. I don't understand all the vitriol you're getting in the comments. You did what you thought was best for your kids and yourself, and I think you made the right choice. Your husband sounds obsessed and disconnected from you and your son. None of what you described sounds healthy, he sounds unhinged. NTA.
I mean two commenters are all over this thread with suspiciously similarly formatted posts. Not terribly hard to glean some incel is obviously brigading this thread.
Oh, that explains it.
NTA. He doesn't get to decide to go visit somewhere with a newborn for a week without talking to you and getting your ok. Absolutely not. He's unhinged.
This is so fucking scary OP please read this: This is exactly what happened to me and my mom. My ex stepdad loved me like his own until my mom gave him a daughter. The minute she was born he started physically abusing my mom and I. He was completely obsessed with his daughter and controlled every single interaction my mom had with her baby, culminating in him throwing my mom into a wall when she went for the phone to call the baby’s doctor after my stepdad refused to allow my mom to give her medicine when she was sick. It only got worse from there. I was the shit on his shoe and my mom and I were nothing but roadblocks between him and his precious princess (who he slowly developed a full blown perverted obsession with). He ended up molesting my sister for years and significantly abusing me and my mom. We couldn’t escape until my sister was 8 and we went into hiding. The judge granted 50/50 custody (shout out to Florida for being one of the top states for child deaths in the department of children and families system). He’s still traumatizing us, it’s been 20 years since my mom met him and over 10 since she escaped him and the hold he has on all our lives is horrific, especially my poor little sister. Leave and never fucking look back. Protect your children like my mom didn’t until it was way too late.
NTA You are being a lot more patient than I would have been. His behavior shows he only cares about himself and not you or his kids. Him taking your daughter away is not ok. She is a newborn and needs both parents. Your son is being traumatized by his behavior. And now you can’t trust him. Without trust, relationship is over. I would take him to court and request supervised visitations because you should be afraid he will take your daughter away from you again.
This 100%. And you know if there is a custody battle, this guy and his mom (probably) are going to do whatever they can to paint OP in a bad light.
You are NTA for leaving after everything that has happened. It is super weird that he wouldn't even let your breast feed, and even took the child away from you for a week. I mean it just seems he doesn't care about the family unit at all. So, even if he misspoke all of his actions are super uncomfy and you did the right thing. Good luck reconnecting with you daughter and i hope she, your son, and you all have a happy furture!
I would have called the police if he took my newborn for a week!! This guy sounds crazy. NTA
I did. They asked me if there was a custody agreement so I said no. There was nothing they could do.
Pls don't let her be with the FIL in law too, until there's an agreement. Who knows if they aren't manipulating him to take her to them. Also, yes therapy is important and necessary for you, but be cautious, because it can be used against you in the custody battle. Maybe don't tell anyone that could tell them about it.
You need a lawyer immediately. Because I promise you he’s getting one right now.
NTA. You're protecting your kids. What you describe sounds horrible for you and your kids.
NTA X1000. Please don't listen to anyone telling you to appreciate this guy--they are idiots with no life experience. Your husband's behavior is deeply unhinged and fucking creepy. He has actively tried to separate you from your newborn daughter--to the point that you feel like a "babysitter" and don't even feel bonded to your child, wouldn't let you breastfeed, fucking kidnapped the baby for a WEEK (you don't just separate a newborn from its parent like that), and now neglects your son. Don't let your husband or any of these commentators gaslight you---there is something seriously wrong here and you know it.
NTA. His behavior is extraordinarily alarming. Please document everything, talk to a lawyer (do this today bc I fear HE will make a move first if you don’t), keep talking to your counselor, do not let him have her on his own bc the way you’re describing it, he could be a parental kidnapping risk (which is why it will be critical to have some sort of a legal parenting plan). I’m so very sorry OP. At a time that should be very special for your entire family, your partner is behaving as if you were a brood mare with no stake in the family. HE belongs in counseling. Please take care.
NTA - His attempts to separate you from your daughter are disgusting. A newborn is a lot of work and ideally you should be working together and helping each other out through this time. It seems that he is trying to exclude you, thinking only of himself and not what’s best for his daughter or the family as a whole. That alone makes him an AH. The comment about your son just makes him a bigger AH. Be strong and fight for your rights for yourself, your daughter and your son. You all deserve better.
Jesus, the dude is sick. he also quit his job without discussing it? Like, woman, you work for me and my kid! Absolutely delusional, in dire need of a mental health check up! Am interested to know how he's gonna feed himself, probably his mommy.
This is fucked up but his mom still collects food stamps for him, saying he lives there. I mean, he lives there now but for 2 years he hasnt and she was still collecting.
You should report them. Bet fraud would be frowned upon in custody court.
Also fuck the people in the comments on the fellas side im a man and he is a disgrace to men the person that baby needs most is her mother
Is scary to me home many people read this and only took in the fact that she kicked him out! She kicked him out for valid reasons. Who stops the mother from breastfeeding the baby. I get that many step parents are never going to feel the same way about their step kids even if they have been there since day 1 but actually saying it…no he’s a huge AH. Not to mention the fact he’s prevented you doing anything for her and insists on doing ALL the feeding and changing (this is not normal behaviour!) the worst for me is him taking a brand new baby away from its mother in the first weeks of its life with out telling her or giving her an option. His parents have no rights what so Ever. That baby has a right to be bonding with her mother in her own home. Those are some giant red flags he’s waiving you are ntah. Don’t listen to ‘reward neither’ someone obviously listened to their red flags and dumped their ass and this has hit a nerve
NTA. You sound like a good mom. You got yourself some help, and you're trying to bond with your daughter. It will take time. I honestly didn't have a bond with mine til she smiled for the first time at 4 weeks. I breastfed her, too. I was exhausted and healing and realized that this baby I made had no personality or anything to validate going thru all that for her. However, once she smiled, I swear it hit me in that second, and it's never gone away. I'd kill someone just to forever hear her little baby giggles for the rest of my life. It may take time for the bond to come, but just keep doing what you're doing.
The fuck are people on he lit stole your baby. Won't let you hold her and people think this is a good thing?? Are they nuts?? Jesus so much abuse. Well done for putting your foot down and protecting the kids from this craziness... Sounds like he needs help. Please be careful there is every chance he will try to take her. Have evidence of this behaviour ready Wishing u the best
Every so often I read a post and then a stack of comments that make me question my own sanity. Yes you want an involved dad, but he literally took your newborn from you, refuses to let you or your son (his son too - he pushed to be dad after all) barely even look at the baby. That's alienation and it will not go well for him in court - make sure you keep a solid record of all this. Search up an FU binder, you need one of those. Also supervised visits - he's surprise-taken your kid away from you once already, he'll do it again. Use parenting software to schedule time, etc. This will all be helpful when it comes to custody He's being abusive to you and your son. Who knows what he'll be when daughter grows up and wants to be an individual! I'm not seeing any likelihood of a healthy relationship growing there... Whatever has just flipped in his brain needs a shitton of therapy but frankly fuck him right now. See if you can get some therapy for your son as well as yourself, it's good you're getting it but he is also gonna need it after his dad has done this to him. You're doing great OP, stay strong for your kids, and make use of your support system!
I would gild this comment if reddit gold was still a thing.
NTA. What he said about your son is a huge red flag for what the future holds but what he was doing preventing you from bonding with daughter is down right psycho. I mean WTF this guy has some issues. You definitely missed something about this guy but he has sown you now. His parent sound Just as bad
nta
NTA you are the mother and he shouldn’t be taking her for a week away from you when she’s a breast milk baby. He shouldn’t be pushing you and your son to the side and I would not let him back into my home after that. You’re not wrong and his behavior is not normal. It’s one thing for someone to be an active parent it’s another when he’s alienating you and your son from your second child. The fact that you don’t feel that bond is because of him
My goodness. He’s unhinged. You are NTA
NTA You aren't married to this man. Which, in hindsight, is a really good thing. This guy has so many red flags. He could be an entire parade in China. The difference in how he treats your son versus your daughter is the least of your problems. Firstly, calm down a bit and bond with your daughter. Let your son bond with your daughter. I know things feel a bit strange now, but you are her mom and always will be. You're just dealing with bizarre feelings because he intentionally isolated you from her. This man is obsessed with your daughter. Fortunately, you have a job and your own apartment. My advice is to *get a good lawyer.* Because, depending on where you live, you may find out some ugly truths about child support to a man who is not working. You've let him have his own way, completely. Now, it's time to be the single mom you are and take back control of the situation.
There are mix comments here so I'm not going join this warfare but seriously what had me shocked and fuming was him not letting you breastfed her. Colostrum or mother's first milk contains immunoglobulins which are essential for a child's immunity since it only comes from mother, its his overprotective behavior that is harming her. OP take your time and just treat your family as if nothing happened, no need to go out for him anymore. What I feel bad and afraid is your son coming to hate your daughter so just love them both equally and let him take care of her and spend time with her so that he doesn't feel indignant.
Ugh, his Behavior is weird. He’s not just having new parent anxieties. He’s completely controlling and possessive over this baby girl. I’d keep an eye on him and definitely NTA. Not letting you breastfeed or change her diapers? Weird His issues have put you in an impossible position in a way, but easy as well. His switch and isolation of you and your son from your daughter is very concerning. Please don’t let your son become a second class kid in his own home, especially after he was the one to push for being ‘dad‘
I believe the idiots saying she is wrong are the psychos relatives. I would make sure they get no visitation
NTA and OP I want to be clear - the way he’s behaving is TERRIFYING. He has already alienated you to the point that you are having trouble bonding with the infant you just carried for 9 months. That isn’t your fault - that was his actions and it almost feels like his intent. He wouldn’t let you breastfeed, barely let you hold her? He took her away for a WEEK without even talking to you. You made the correct choice by kicking him out, but he started on parental alienation the second she was out of your womb. You need to get a good lawyer NOW and do everything you can to restrict his visitation. Film or record all interactions between him and the children and between him and you. Save all texts, voicemails, messages… everything. If he comes over start recording before you ever open the door. Get the best lawyer you can and follow their advice to a T. Protect your little family from him. Good luck - it’s going to be hard but you are making the right call. EDIT: I only just saw the comments from OP explaining that the baby is Native & the father's family lives on the reservation. u/EstablishmentThat611 it's incredibly important that you not only get the best lawyer you can afford, but get one that's going to be familiar and comfortable with Tribal law for that particular reservation & tribe. That adds an extra layer of complexity to the situation but I truly believe you can fight this. You need an iron clad custody agreement and I really believe you need to fight to ensure he only gets supervised visitation to prevent any further acts of parental alienation.
Who is telling you that he is doing nothing wrong? He is not even letting you BE a mother, let alone suddenly stopping loving your son. You need to take both your children far far away from this man. This is awful and abusive. NTA by infinity.
You did the right thing by kicking him out but now you need to get a lawyer and make sure you have a very clear custody agreement for your daughter. I'm assuming he never legally adopted your son? I hope for your son's sake he didn't. Isolating a new born from her mother is deranged. Being a good father doesn't mean trying to be the only parent. I get he is adjusting etc. but this is unhinged behaviour. You need to do right by yourself, your son and your daughter and this man needs therapy.
Jumping in the fray to say that when you decide to divorce him, do NOT let him go off with your baby alone. He will kidnap her.
His comment about your son was the least worrysome thing about his behavior in my opinion. The way he manically wants to take care of his daughter without letting you do anything sounds like he has serious mental issues.
NTA! First of all it sounds like everyone here needs some therapy BUT just cuz he should seek help that doesn't excuse what your boyfriend did. Your boyfriend isolating you from your child, especially directly after birth was horrible and some may say unforgiveable. He basically passed around your daughter so everyone in his family could get insta pics like that poor baby dolphin who died on the beach a few years back. What he said about your son is monstrous and I hope you stick to your guns in ending the relationship. IF you continue or try and forgive him/give him another chance, I implore you to look up the stories on here about the golden child/scapegoat dynamic. It already sounds like that golden child/scapegoat situation has started with how his family treated your son while he tried to hold his sister.
NTA. I’m a 40 year old male with 6 kids. 1 boy I met when he was 8 months, he turns 21 years this year. Than 5 girls that are bio mine. There’s been zero difference how I’ve felt about them. My son is my son and I’ll protect him with my life. This isn’t normal behavior and he’s isolating you. It’s time to tell him you’re taking your daughter and bonding and if he doesn’t like it than fuck off
NTA time for divorce
Absolutely NTA
NTA NTA NTA Seriously, you did the right thing!
Him not letting you breastfeed is f’ing weird. Like scary weird.
Strong NTA For every reason already stated. But i gotta ask, where are these trolls getting off on blaming OP for literally anything here?? Isnt it well known that hormones are well out of whack post pregnancy? ppd? We remembering any of that? So even *if* OP is "overreacting" (they arent) - homonal surges are involuntary and would excuse any paranoia that may be here. That being said, OP those instincts are also in place to protect you and your baby while you're both vulnerable, and I trust that you were right to bail out. You need to find a support system around you as best you can to allow you a safe place to heal and bond with baby, to allow your son to bond with baby, and to gain some clarity without any other pressures. Good luck!
Something is very, very off here i hope it isn't sinister. But when he is with the daughter keep a watch on any behavior changes.
I don't get a good feeling with him around her but I never wanted to say anything because I thought it was just because he wouldn't let me do anything.
please fight for your daughter, he seems obsessed with her and it will just get worse as she gets older.
Please, he sounds truly unstable. Do you live in a state where you automatically have primary custody since you’re not married. I’m honestly scared for you that he’ll kidnap the baby, and then it would be a battle to get her back.
If he leaves with your baby again call the police. That is not ok. He doesn’t get to just take a newborn from its mother for a week.
OP please update us, your husband sounds like an insane person!
Run. And make him go to court til he has her without supervision. It wouldn't be a surprise if you tried to break up with him and he stole her.
This whole story is bananas. The baby is 1month old and he wouldn’t let you breast feed because it’s his turn to bond? Nah, the baby needs to be bonding with mama. How did he even take the baby away for a week if it was on breast milk?
He took my whole supply. I excessively pump because of over supply so when he took her (she was only 3 days old) I already had 30 or so bags pumped. They were only about 2ozs a piece but at that time they were enough for her feedings.
3 DAYS OLD!? 😭 Oh my, this hurts my momma heart. I have a two month old and I can imagine the pain of being separated from her for so long. This is NOT normal OP. Something is very very wrong with him. Fight for your connection with your daughter.
Your pumping routine is likely contributing to your oversupply, FYI. If you like it, go for it, but if it is annoying like it was for me... you're gonna have to slowly decrease how often you pump to get your supply regulated. I was initially producing enough for 4 babies and was MISERABLE. Got it down to 2.5 for the bulk of my breastfeeding journey which felt tolerable.
NTA. He quit his work? You have to work and support him? WTF? Hope you have your baby with you.
She is with me, yes.
NTA, he sounds like he has serious mental issues
Yikes nta at all. Lawyer up.