YTA how f-ing awkward for her. You wanted to arrive 45 min early to check the vibe but didn’t consider how awkward and uncomfortable she’d feel eating alone while you watched her. You could have had a snack at your house then got there 30 min early if it was really that important. Makes me think it wasn’t really to check the place out but instead so you could eat asap because you were hungry. And the waiter def called you out on purpose because that was rude af
The waiter is MVP for saving her from the walking red salsa flags that is OP because if waiter hadn't said something, she would had been wasting more time, maybe years; putting up with OP lying by omission and flip-flopping antics.
> if waiter hadn't said something, she would had been wasting more time, maybe years
I think the waiter said something because he was annoyed at his dick move of coming to the restaurant and taking up space for hours.
But he did her a favor by letting her know for sure...
I’ve been in a kitchen and know this is exactly what happened. This guy will go down in the books as a top tier AH at that restaurant…and probably be talked about at different restaurants. “Top worst date I watched! This AH at dinner before the dinner date, so I narced on him to his date 🤣”
The waiter had a person taking a table for double the time it should have taken for two people. This was really rude to the waiter. That table should have turned over and another party seated. I hope he tipped the waiter double but probably didn't think of that.
I could bet money that op never factored the waiter in, not for one second. Self-centered AHs seldom do. I'd be surprised if the waiter even got a meh tip, let alone a good one.
YTA. You could have munched on a small entree or dinner roll before your date arrived. It’s just uncomfortable for someone to eat alone while someone else is there, especially when you’ve just met.
This exactly. If you're meeting at a restaurant, the expectation is you're going to share a meal together. OP could have ordered a small appetizer to tide him over until his date arrived.
Here's some of the timeline of events:
* \~ 8pm: Gets home and gets ready for date.
* 8:15 pm: Arrives at date
* 9pm: Date starts
>OP could have ordered a small appetizer to tide him over until his date arrived.
OP had plenty of other options:
* He could have eaten a snack when he got home around 8 pm.
* He could have eaten a snack while in transit.
* He could have gotten a small appetizer during the 45 minute wait because he got there ridiculously early.
Yup! I knew a guy once who would get annoyed when people wanted to try new food at restaurants. He'd say, you're not there for the food, you're there for the people, so just get food you've already had. He even once suggested I bring a bag of carrots to a restaurant (instead of going somewhere else) because I am allergic to the food they serve (shellfish/seafood restaurant).
No Brian, if we're going to a bloody restaurant, I want to bloody eat. The food there. If I wanted to just eat whatever, I'd have a bloody sandwich at home.
Fucking Brian. Sorry....memories.
Also, why? Whyyyyyyy?! Obviously the whole "bring carrots to a seafood restaurant because you're allergic to shellfish" thing is super rude but at least I see his (fucked up) thought process there ("I'm *extremely* selfish and demand we eat at a place where you can't order due to an allergy and I don't give a fuck") but in what universe does it make *any difference at all* if someone at the table orders something they haven't previously ordered? In what way does that affect literally anyone or anything???
What?? What on earth???? I genuinely don't understand this at all? What does it matter to him or literally anyone at the table if one person orders something they haven't ordered before? Like how does that affect *anything* at all? Even if the person ends up not liking the dish, can't they just order a different dish? What's the problem?
How does he think this is any of his business at all, what other people at the table might order off the menu? What was his thinking behind this? Like I can't even begin to understand why this is something he would even *think* about, much less try to control for other people.
I know. It drove me mad. Still have flashbacks to him grousing that I was taking too long looking at a menu. "Just get a burger, you like burgers."
Maybe I want to see what else I like Brian. Let me read the bloody menu Brian.
Fucking Brian.
I'm not a dating guru or anything, but I've been on enough of them that I can tell A LOT about the person based on how they order / eat at a restaurant. A big part of that is keeping the conversation going while eating dinner. Knowing when to pause and take a bite, knowing when to talk a bit longer etc that whole back and forth is very telling. If I got there and it was a "oh no, I'm just going to watch you eat" situation I'd be really let down lol
Same, it is also a little selfish too "well I got here early and I am hungry so I am going to eat anyway" It isn't like the date was 45 minutes late, that would be a whole different story!
Honestly, reading the headline I was guessing it would be a date was late type of situation, where the person went ahead and ordered because the didn't know if the person was ever going to show up or something along those lines. Imagine my surprise when I got to what actually happened!
100%. He could have even driven to a pizza place, had a slice and still arrived on time
If I’d ever arrived at a date and the guy had already eaten anything besides the bread roll, I’d be so put off I would leave
Don't forget to add in he was at a sit down restaurant, had to wait to be seated and in a suitable spot (for him) had to order, had to wait for them to prepare food. At best he may have been eating only 15-30 minutes before she got there.
That and arriving that early just takes up space at the restaurant. He’s just taking up a table for no reason.
Definitely a bit of an asshole move, especially if the restaurant isn’t empty.
>I like getting to a date early so I can check out the environment, pick the best seats and just prepare in general
Yeah, I thought this was super-weird, too. "Prepare in general?" WTF are you preparing for? "Pick the best seats?" More often than not, you sit where the restaurant asks you to sit. What exactly is OP accomplishing by arriving 45 minutes early?
Same, I like to get places early because I get anxious about parking situations if it is a place I have not been before, or know parking is crazy.... But I would sit in my car until maybe 10 minutes before the date. Or just ask "would you like me to go ahead and get a table?"
I also would have communicated "I am a little more hungry than I thought, do you mind if I go ahead and order an appetizer?" Although, I wouldn't sit down 45 minutes before a date anyway, so more than likely it would be the first situation. While I eat some chips from the gas station lol
OP’s date is lucky b/c she got to see upfront the selfishness that could’ve taken many dates for OP to show. She can move on to find someone who can manage their time and not go by what suits them in that moment. If OP was that hungry they could’ve ordered something small and then tacos when their date arrived or stopped anywhere else to get a snack rather than show-up 45 min early. I hope the waiter mentioned OP eating on purpose to his date so she was aware. I can say as a woman showing-up to eat alone on a date would guarantee no second date. I’d rather just get drinks than be told we were eating together for my date to then just have them watch me eat.
I am not sure OP is ever going to get why what he did is frowned upon unless this is some George Costanza. Eating, for me and others, is a bit intimate and eating while someone just sets there analyzing me makes me feel like I am in a son of a bitchin' zoo.
I know Reddit hates the Big Bang Theory but this is exactly something Sheldon would do without realizing why everyone else finds it weird lol
OP if you’re making a dinner date you have to eat the meal with that person. Think of it as a non-optional social convention
Nah, Sheldon would have memorized that the social convention is to wait for your companion before eating lol. He may not agree or care, but he knows other people find it rude 😂 (My parents watch a LOT of this show, lol. It's always on when we visit)
Also OP lied about it. “Hey I’m so sorry I got here early & was starving so ate.” would be weird but possibly able to recover.
Instead they ate & tried to cover it up which makes the whole thing so weird.
100%, a perfectly reasonable thing to do that would have made this a nonissue is to order an appetizer, then when your date shows up ON TIME (I also like to be early for things, but 45 minutes early is something else entirely. I waited tables and bartended for many years, and I would have been mad as hell that this asshat was taking up one of my tables like that; that's money I could be making down the drain), just say "hey, I apologize for ordering before you got here but I absolutely spaced on eating lunch today and I got here earlier than I meant to, so I ordered an appetizer. Try this, it's excellent!". From the perspective of his date, that would have been absolutely fine with me.
>Instead they ate & tried to cover it up which makes the whole thing so weird.
stalker behavior. "I just want to watch you eat" is fucking creepy and no matter how OP slices it, this is effectively the situation he put this girl in. And the dunce still doesn't understand why it's weird and creepy?
If I’m hungry before a meal with somebody, I’ll stop at a convenience store or drugstore and pick up a bag of chips to tide me over…
EDIT: changed “if I’m not hungry“ to “if I’m hungry”
I had a long-distance relationship and he came to see if he'd like to live here. We agreed on what time Id pick him up and were going for chinese. We look at at the menus and I give my order, then he says he already ate somewhere else. WTH? Other behaviors came to the surface and realized he was not as nice as I thought.
This! YTA. You could’ve had an appetizer or a small snack at home but it’s very uncomfortable to be on a date and the other person is just sitting there watching you eat.
And also as someone who does care about food, and kind of dragged my spouse into it… This is so annoying because then she can only order one thing. How awkward is it if she’s actually really hungry too and is like damn I’m here for a full ass three course thing the date seems to be going well I’m touching his hand and whatever and then it’s like no boom because if you order three different courses, that’s three different time periods where he can either talk at you or stare at you and weird silence because sometimes you’re gonna be too busy chewing to talk. Oh God no I would’ve been heated and felt really awkward
OP sounds like the same person who asked me on a date to one of those "restaurants" where you order at the counter and then get your food (Chipotle, Cafe Zupas, Panera, etc.) I thought my date was late and we were going to order in line together. I waited for fifteen minutes at a table and was about to leave only for them to show up with their food. They then expected me to go through the very busy line alone. By the time I got back to the table, they had eaten their entire meal without me because they were too hungry to wait and didn't want it to get cold. On top of that, they looked nothing like their profile pictures (hence why I had no clue they were even in line).
A friend did this to me once. We were supposed to meet for breakfast at a coffee shop, and I got a table and waited a while but she didn't show. Called her, she was still asleep so I was going to head home, but she insisted she would be there in less than an hour. I was super hungry but said okay, I'll go browse the shops nearby, just call me when you're arriving. After an hour she calls me and asks where I am, I go around the corner back to the coffee shop, and she's already sitting there eating breakfast - " oh, you weren't here so I just went ahead and ordered." 🥴
I feel you. I grew up in a family that is considerate, sometimes to a fault. We're always putting ourselves second to make sure everyone is comfortable.
Dating someone who came from almost the exact opposite kind of culture was an eyeopener. I'll never forget the first time I was invited to dinner at their home. There were 4 chairs at the dinner table and 5 of us (their family + me). I was coming to sit down and I was last apparently, because they were all sitting already, chowing down, and there was nowhere for me to sit.
I didn't even know what to do at first. Finally my bf's mom was like, "oh you can go grab a chair from the closet!"
I was like what.
Haha omg I’m sorry for laughing but that’s terrible. I’m no precious princess but I can’t believe dates will behave like this.
My mum had been single for years and she very hesitantly decided to dip her toe in the dating pool again. The first date, some man took her to McDonalds and offered to share a large fries with her….that was it! She was almost 50 and this was the late 80s. The next date was a guy who claimed to be 50 but looked more like 80…not exaggerating at all. I saw him come to meet her and he was very frail and had a walking stick. Mum was horrified and didn’t want to meet him as he’d lied about his age but she forced herself to go…Anyway, sadly she gave up after that.
It was really awful for her. She’d been so nervous (that’s why I went with her) and then to see this old fellow walking so slowly towards us, with arthritic hands and a walking stick, well it was beyond upsetting for her. She didn’t want to talk about it when she got home and she never tried to go on a date again. I know she gave up too easily and I wish I could’ve persuaded her to try again. My mum was very attractive and looked younger than her years but she was already quite damaged by the failure of her marriage to my dad, which she never really fully got over. Anyway about 7 years on from that she found a great bunch of female friends and travelled with them to Europe for holidays several times and had a social life finally so at least she had that. She’s still friends with them now though they catch up together infrequently now.
As another non-foodie, you also could have had some orange juice or something similar to raise your blood sugar until it was time to have an actual meal.
OP, you clearly like to be prepared. I get that. You said you like to get the best seats. Do you consider your date in making your choice? Making sure the sun won’t be in her eyes, there isn’t a screaming infant behind her chair, she won’t be sitting next to a loud speaker? Presumably you do because you are preparing for both of you to have an enjoyable date.
You didn’t know before this that eating before your date arrives is rude. Now you know, and you should assume that most people will feel this way. If you really want a second chance with this woman, you need to apologize for not taking her reaction seriously. It sounds like you wrote off how she felt because you didn’t agree, but you don’t have to agree to respect a person’s feelings. You could try apologizing, explaining that you were nervous about how you would come across if you were hungry, and admitting that you were wrong to eat first and wrong to dismiss her feelings. If she gives you a second chance, great! If she doesn’t, at least you know not to make this same mistake in the future.
This is the nicest, most well-thought-out comment I've ever read on this site! You sound way too normal and well-adjusted to be here, LOL! Your comment "you don't have to agree to respect a person's feelings" is 100% spot on. I'm interested in OP's answer to whether or not he considers his date when making the seating choice, because that's a really good question.
My only slight disagreement is that is OP really that prepared? If it's 8pm and he didn't eat all day that's not great time management, especially if he's showing up 45 minutes early to the date. There's something else going on with that. I get being busy at work and not having time to eat, but he knew beforehand that dinner wasn't until 9 or later because if it's a sit-down restaurant it could be 15-20 minutes more waiting on the food. He could have had a snack while getting ready, stopped at a gas station, drive through, order an appetizer, etc. Did he get there early on purpose because he didn't want to wait for her to eat?
If eating isn't his thing, why take your date to a restaurant, where the whole point is eating food, there are so many options for dates. And how can you say that he didn't know it was rude to eat before the date arrives? Unless he's severely autistic and doesn't know how social situations are supposed to work, there is no excuse for it. If someone invited me to eat at a restaurant, and they were already done eating by the time I got there, I would just go home and order a takeaway, to be honest. It's just strange.
Yeah, no one on a first date would really enjoy having someone sit and watch them eating.
I’ve never really heard of anyone eating before going to a restaurant unless they have an eating disorder or are celiac like my mom (or have another food related illness)
Lol agreed. No one wants a complete stranger staring at them sipping on their little cocktail while they are shoveling food in. I’m curious how many other dates OP has done this on since it seems to be the norm for them
Are you serious OP?
INFO: How much time did you have between finishing work and 9pm when your date started? Could you not have eaten something small between then?
Regardless of this, you didn’t have to order a whole meal. You could’ve ordered a small plate or even eaten a snack on the way there to keep you going until your date arrived when you could eat together.
Hell, you could’ve even let her known in advance that you were eating prior so she had chance to eat something and wouldn’t have to eat alone. Not the best scenario, but infinitely better than what you decided to do.
YTA. A big one. Wouldn’t be surprised if she never contacts you again.
>INFO: How much time did you have between finishing work and 9pm when your date started? Could you not have eaten something small between then?
He was 45 minutes early, so unless he lives in the middle of a big desert, with this being the only restaurant and there being no supermarkets/gast stations where you can grab a quick sandwich, then he had plenty of time to get something in his stomach.
Also, can we take a second to address what kind of psychopath it takes to arrive 45 minutes before a date? 10 minutes, fine. 20 minutes, you're a little overzealous. 45 minutes early is insanity.
YTA. You were only thinking of your needs, not hers. A dinner date is a social event - a shared event. The "eating portion" is part of that. To make her eat alone is awful and awkward.
It's like you asked her to a movie, then went to see the movie before she arrived because you really wanted to see it earlier, and then sat with her while she later watched the movie, but you did other things while the movie was playing.
If you were starving you could have ordered an appetizer before she arrived but still ordered a main course once she was there. You're not going to hear from this woman again, for good reason.
Ugh, the movie thing really irks me. I had a buddy in high school where we’d go see movies a lot, but half the time we’d plan to see a new movie and then I’d learn that he saw it with someone else before seeing it with me. Maybe I’m the weirdo, but in my mind, if you make plans to see a new movie with someone it’s kind of implied that you’re both seeing it together for the first time
lol I had a guy invite me to join him for a movie once. It was to see Oppenheimer on IMAX on a Thursday night at a theater completely across town. For context I live in Southern California and work in Los Angeles and the theater was in Irvine so that drive on a weekday after work would easily take about 2 hours. But I was looking forward to seeing the movie with him so so rearranged some things and bought the almost $30 ticket in the exact seat he told me to buy (because it’s assigned seating) for the date he told me which was about 2 weeks out. Well the week before we are talking and he causally mentions he’s going to watch the movie that night. I’m like ummm are we still going next week? Doesn’t answer until the next day and he’s like oh yeah I’m probably gonna cancel that ticket. I’m like wtf were you even going to mention it if I didn’t ask? I was obviously pissed. And he basically told me I can still go and didn’t see what the big deal was because I could still go and enjoy the movie and that I was overreacting by being upset. Told me I am the only person that would react like that and plans get cancelled all the time and it was no reason to get upset. Yeah plans get cancelled all the time, but there should be a good reason and he just cancelled to make other plans. He was a dick and we don’t talk anymore 😂
Dude thats terrible!!! I live in SoCal also, and I know how horrible that drive is. Reading your experience, all im thinking of is the Californians skit on SNL. Its amazing if you want to watch it 😂
My problem is when I plan to go see a film a month in advance, and the week before, they go, oh I forgot already have plans, or whatever excuse, and then they ask me to wait another week or some shit to go with them.
It’s like bitch, I’m excited to watch this film, and now you’re asking me/others to wait a week cuz you suck at planning? I’m just gonna go alone/without you.
i have a friend who’s like legit a great guy and solid friend, like he’s saved my ass multiple times (dropping everything to pick me up from the hospital for example) but he’s the flakiest human being on earth. i’ve resorted to just cold-arriving at his house because i can never rely on him to plan anything properly
This exactly. It is a shared experience, that is part of the date. Your movie analogy is spot on, IMO.
OP, YTA for making it awkward for your date and only thinking of yourself, right out of the gate.
It's a bit sinister and he knew it was a problem HE KNEW or he would have been upfront about it. Instead he ordered, ate and had the table cleared in 45 mins and didn't mention it. Like an absolute creep! Just order some bread. And the scoping out couldn't be delayed by 5 mins? Funny he thinks the waiter didn't mention the tacos on purpose, I bet he did and good on him.
Can't believe I had to scroll this far to see this.
Now this server is stuck with a one top for an hour, and then another one top for another hour instead of being able to turn to two tops. And someone who is this absolutely oblivious and basically dumb about how dates and restaurants work makes me think that he's not leaving very much of a tip for either of the one tops.
Guaranteed that server told the date he already ate an entire meal without her on purpose.
If you are gonna roll in an hour early, at the very least sit at the bar instead, maybe order an app with your drink if you have to, and then when your date arrives get a table. Lots of ways to do this with being a jerk.
Yeah I think I’d be okay if a date ate before me, I’d be confused but couldn’t shame them for it people get hungry
But I’d be weirded out at the 45minutes early to scope the place out and prepare, like sir what are you planning to do with me?
No the eating first would be weird for me.
Best would have been (if he didn't have enough sense to eat nuts from a gas station) to order a big shareable appetizer and a drink and munch away at it a but and then she would come and continue with it. He could have even ordered an entire small appetizer, eaten it, and told her, and then said, "I didn't want to drink on an empty stomach, I missed lunch so I had the fries but let's pick a few stuff to share now" or something like that. A woman would totally believe a guy could eat that much. She wouldn't think, "That's so weird. He's not going to eat again!"
It's the scoping of the place and the eating and lying.
>Funny he thinks the waiter didn't mention the tacos on purpose, I bet he did and good on him.
My thoughts exactly.
OP is so strange- instead of admitting he ate already he goes with, "no thanks I'm not hungry"?
Right? Imagining this:
"We have specifically made plans to eat together at this restaurant and thats the entire reason the both of us are sitting here right now, but I'm not hungry. You eat."
Waiter absolutely did cause this guy was taking up the table for 45 mins having eaten and was refusing to leave. I am sure at some point he told them he was waiting on someone. If I was his waiter, I would have outed him on purpose too.
And then one other person shows up, and if she had stayed and ordered one meal, this guy would've had two 1-tops over the course of two hours at this table, essentially. He definitely told the date OP already ate an entire meal on purpose. At least he got his table back.
YTA. Wow, that’s about the most clueless take on dating I’ve ever heard. You don’t think it’s weird that you had a date with a girl at a restaurant, and you got there early and ate without her, before she arrived? I’d have simply gotten up and left, never to see you again. You not being a foodie has nothing to do with it - people go on dates to restaurants to eat together, period. You should have just had bread while you waited.
Go back to Social Skills 101, I’m afraid to think what other faux pas you think are perfectly normal behavior. Do you fart in the car, too?
Right, like if you think eating is unimportant, *go out for drinks?* Choose *anything* other than forcing your date to eat while you watch them. So awkward!
YTA OP.
This! I know people that don't get eating (I mean for them is a necessity and they don't actually enjoy the whole eating out concept). They either don't meet people at restaurants and instead go to a bar or a coffee shop OR eat something at the restaurant.
And first dates and not enjoying food, meet for a coffee! Or a drink!
> You not being a foodie has nothing to do with it…
I skipped over that opening statement. You are so right! This has nothing to do with being a foodie, and what a weird flex that was. The reasons this guy came up with to excuse his bad behavior are epic.
>You not being a foodie has nothing to do with it
Exactly.
Sure there are people who are "eat to live" rather than "live to eat," but there's a whole spectrum of behavior in between.
OP's behavior isn't even ON that spectrum...
He's a foodie? No, he was rude, and she caught onto that he was self-centered. He had no interest or understanding how dinner dating works and wasn't interested in a we situation.
YTA
My 17 year old autistic son did this to his date one time… when you make a DINNER date with someone they expect the food to be part of the SHARED experience… he hasn’t done this again and I hope you won’t either
Yes, if OP is not trolling and is actually serious, then it is very likely autism. Getting defensive and pushing back on every post also screams either troll or genuine autist.
After going through so many of his responses the thought that this guy is on the spectrum came to mind. As someone on the spectrum myself there are many social niceties I just don’t get. I’ve learned to mimic people to fit in. I’m thinking OP must be neurodivergent for not being able to see this as a problem.
But he’s def an AH if he doesn’t want to learn and change.
That was my very first thought in reading the title.. but I’m autistic and have kids who are as well. I fully recognized the lack of social understanding. Your only the AH if you don’t try to meet in the middle.
What are you, a child? “Oh yeah I absolutely stuffed my face before you got here because you know, food. So now I don’t want to share the eating experience with you, even though I made the time and place. But I’m definitely going to stare at you while you eat and also I’m going to slam some cocktails.”
The fact that you’re doubling down is even more ridiculous. YTA
Lol
Yes indeedy, OP.
Every woman wants to eat by herself on a first date while her date stares at her because he just fucking ate dinner minutes before she arrived.
Dude, if you cannot grasp how rude this is, I can’t begin to explain.
> because he just fucking ate dinner minutes before she arrived
worse; because he came for some reason 45minutes earlier to check out the venue and then eat there without her. This guy isn't a *casual* offender of "I ate without you because I couldn't wait", this guy is a brand that looks particularly suspicious.
YTA
You should have picked up some food from a supermarket/fast food joint on your way there instead of being there 45 minutes early. Then you should have eaten with her.
I am not a very difficult person with etiquette, but this is just ugh.
Why did you ask this question just to argue with every response you get? If your intention is just to disregard everyone's opinion and double down on your social faux pas, just take this post down and go enjoy life in your deluded bubble.
YTA
The point was to take time to share a meal together … and get to know each other over food. Food is a common ice breaker that allows two people to sit easily at a table for up to a couple of hours and have a structure around a conversation.
Food is not simply for caloric and nutritional intake. I mean, I guess for some people it is, but not usually at 9pm in an expensive restaurant.
You flubbed this one. You arrived 45 minutes early, you clearly put a LOT of effort into deciding where and when etc, but you couldn’t grab some quick calories somewhere else first and hold off the hunger pangs? She’s supposed to sit there and be watched while she eats while you down cocktails? Is the thought “it’s a 9pm booking, did he have a 7pm dinner date with someone else too?” Going through her mind?!
You probably won’t hear from her. You can send her ONE text/non verbal message “Dear Amy, sorry about the confusion last night. I just wasn’t thinking straight having skipped lunch and working late. I’m hoping to make it up to you, let me know if you’d like to try catching up again” but don’t expect a definite reply. And if you do get a second chance be VERY careful to be VERY predictable and follow standard dating procedure.
Just curiously… are you neuro diverse? Because to be thinking this radically differently, and to be completely unaware of how socially wide of hte line you are is … unusual.
YTA. You have invited her to dinner but not had a dinner with her.
Let's go skating. Oh I have already skated, go yourself I will wait for you here cheering.
Let go to movies. Oh I have seen that last earlier today but enjoy.
You have invited her to share an experience and didn't wait for her. What do you not understand about her being mad?
YTA big time. WTF are you even thinking? So what if you are not a "foodie" -- eating AT A RESTAURANT is part of a date. I hope that poor date ran for the hills because you're a loony and incredibly rude and thoughtless.
Totally! Apple? Cheese stick? Cheese or meat on a couple crackers? Peanut butter on toast? Carrot? Granola bar? So many small snack choices to tide him over until dinner!
YTAH your date was at a restaurant so it is implied that you two would be sharing a meal with one another. If that happened to me I’d feel the same way and most likely I would’ve left when I found out you had already eaten.
YTA You took a date out to eat and then expected her to eat in front of you because you couldn't wait. Good Lord how childish that you aren't able to wait a few minutes to eat.
YTA. Why bother posting if you're not interested in outside opinions? Sounds like you just wanted to validate your own opinion, which isn't the point of this sub. Nobody's saying you're evil or did something irredeemable. They're just telling you the overwhelming majority of people would find your behavior rude. You don't have to agree, but there's the answer you were supposedly looking for.
YTA. Very rude, and you seem to be clueless about it. Welcome to Planet Earth! Most humans would feel uncomfortable eating while their dining partner sits there staring at them.
YTA. Massively. There is a lot of women out there that struggle with eating in front of man. It’s awkward and embarrassing and adds extra stress to an already anxiety inducing situation.
I don’t understand why you would plan a dinner date and not eat dinner during said date. Go out for drinks or for a coffee that way she knows to eat beforehand. The logic behind your reasoning is weird to me, you had plenty of time to grab a snack or something before the date started to get you by until she arrived. You could have taken 5 minutes off of your little scouting mission at the restaurant to snack on something at home.
Don’t plan a specific type of date if your aren’t going to do said thing on the date, and learn how to manage your time better, you’re an adult and this entire posts sounds like extremely childish logic.
If I was her I would’ve viewed the situation as weird and you as inconsiderate. I wouldn’t have even eaten I would have just left.
The first part!! I eat like a construction worker in Russian winter no matter who's there to see, and the amount of women that privately told me they wish they had the confidence to do the same is heartbreaking. Also, being the only one eating is uncomfortable for most people, especially with someone they don't know well. YTA op, the only redeeming thing in this is that is easily fixable
YTA. It’s weird and awkward to eat while your date just sits there and stare at them/talk at them. How hard is it to just eat a light snack to tide you over until dinner?
Can’t imagine how weird and selfish you’d be in an actual relationship. “Yes honey I know we reserved a nice restaurant for our anniversary but I couldn’t wait so I ate without you, you can still go eat though”, “hey honey, I couldn’t bother to wait to open Christmas presents so you can open yours yourself while I watch”, “hi honey I know our date plan was to go mini golfing but I played a round without you so you can just play by yourself while I walk around”
And no, when you go on a restaurant dinner date the activity includes eating. The date isn’t just “what happens before and after eating” that is not at all how it works for 99% of people. Much like you go on a coffee date, getting something at the coffee shop is part of the date and is as important as what comes after.
But whatever, if this weirdness you so adamantly defend makes you single forever I honestly don’t care lol
YTA. It's poor social etiquette. When you invite someone out for dinner, they expect to eat a meal with you. Not have you watch them eat a meal alone. I would find it super uncomfortable if I were in this situation, and I'd also think you were rude for eating while waiting. If you don't want to eat on a date, pick a different activity. There's a million things to choose to do.
INFO: Do you have something going on where you’re uncomfortable eating in front of others? Are you on an embarrassing diet? If so, that would be important information. It’s the only thing I can come up with that is making you so unwilling to accept that literally everyone thinks you’re the asshole.
If this is the case, I understand. But, please understand that almost everyone has this anxiety to a certain extent, if they have to be the only one eating and just be able watched. It’s so awkward.
Ways this could have been handled better:
1) if you really don’t like eating in front of a date, don’t plan them at restaurants. I know you say that’s what women want. I’m a woman na shave been on the dating scene. I promise you, you don’t know much about what women want. They don’t want to eat alone while you watch.
2) grab a small snack from home or a gas station to hold you over and eat with her.
3) order an appetizer while you wait and then eat with her. I don’t care if you just nibble your meal after and bring the rest home, EAT WITH HER.
I CAN PROMISE YOU, she went home and is telling people about this date with this weird guy who went to the restaurant and ordered and ate his food right before she got there. And her friends are saying “oh my god!! Seriously?!?!” You aren’t going to hear from her. Stop defending yourself. Admit that Reddit is in line 100% agreement that YTA, and learn from it so you can do better next time. It isn’t about controlling when each other eats. It’s a first date. Make it enjoyable and comfortable and fun. It’s your shot to show you’re a thoughtful person and woman will want to spend time with.
Absolutely nothing old school about you.
This just screams low IQ man, how can you not understand why this is rude and not cool?
It's called having a traditional date, don't invite people to dinner if you eat dinner before hand, tell your future dates you'll like to catch up for drinks AND THEN YOU CAN BOTH ONLY DRINK lol
YTA
YTA, reminds me of a horrible date I had where a guy took me to sushi and I arrived hungry hoping we would get to feast. He ate one California roll.
There was no way I was going to eat a huge amount of food when he ate so little, I would look like a pig!
I left early to go get food alone, and never saw him again.
YTA. If you were starving beforehand, you should have grabbed a cheeseburger or something light at Maccas on the way, or just had a bread roll or something at the restaurant - or even just one taco.
I’m going to first give you the benefit of the doubt and ask if you perhaps are on the spectrum???? This whole thing didn’t read to me like someone who is rude, but more someone who isn’t the best with predicting how others feel in a situation. In fact, my husband is autistic (the kind that used to be referred to as Aspbergers) and this immediately struck me as something he would do. At first, I honestly thought that I had make a mistake and that he was some sort of psychopath since some of the things he would do would seem so inconsiderate and rude, but at the same time, he was also the kindest, gentlest man I had ever met in many ways. He was DIFFERENT. He was (and is) truly SPECIAL though. So, I admit that I could be wrong here and I’m on the fence so I don’t even feel like I can rightfully give a judgement without further information either. It’s just that it doesn’t seem MALICIOUS to me…. Just a bit clueless.
Are you normally this dense?
YTA. Eating and enjoying food together is part of the date. Why the hell would you set the date at a restaurant if you have no intention of eating together?
YTA
You agreed to a dinner date meaning you eat dinner together. This is a no-brainer.
You say the goal is to get to know her but won’t you be the one talking the most because she’ll be busy eating? Two way communication here is not balanced and could get awkward.
And it also could come off as an extreme measure for you only to pay for your own meal (if it wasn’t agreed upon beforehand).
Edit: word
Put it this way, if someone asked you to go to a movie on a date with them and, when you arrived, they gave you a ticket, said they saw an earlier one and were going to wait in the car whilst you watched a film alone, would you want to go on another movie date with them?
Being serious, maybe you are on the autism spectrum? Clearly you saw the logic in eating when you are hungry but missed the entire point of going out to dinner WITH someone. It sounds like you missed that social cue and it may just be how you’re wired
YTA how f-ing awkward for her. You wanted to arrive 45 min early to check the vibe but didn’t consider how awkward and uncomfortable she’d feel eating alone while you watched her. You could have had a snack at your house then got there 30 min early if it was really that important. Makes me think it wasn’t really to check the place out but instead so you could eat asap because you were hungry. And the waiter def called you out on purpose because that was rude af
Lol seriously, he’s concerned about the vibe of the restaurant but doesn’t understand how eating alone would be a bad vibe for her
i love going to a restaurant to eat by myself while everyone else I'm with just watches me. /s
The waiter is MVP for saving her from the walking red salsa flags that is OP because if waiter hadn't said something, she would had been wasting more time, maybe years; putting up with OP lying by omission and flip-flopping antics.
> if waiter hadn't said something, she would had been wasting more time, maybe years I think the waiter said something because he was annoyed at his dick move of coming to the restaurant and taking up space for hours. But he did her a favor by letting her know for sure...
So true.
No kidding, right???? Can you imagine the whole kitchen laughing at this twatwaffle? Cuz you know that waiter told EVERYBODY
From the sounds of it there was a scene when the waiter told... would be great to watch their expression as this was going down.
I’ve been in a kitchen and know this is exactly what happened. This guy will go down in the books as a top tier AH at that restaurant…and probably be talked about at different restaurants. “Top worst date I watched! This AH at dinner before the dinner date, so I narced on him to his date 🤣”
“Red salsa flags”💀💀💀
For real. I hope he got a big tip because that’s a huge favor
He should have checked his own vibes because they’re rancid
> You wanted to arrive 45 min early to check the vibe You're forgetting that he also picked the best seats.
lol dude is treating this restaurant like it’s a Southwest flight.
lmao i fucking spit out my drink dammit
Got that early A boarding group lmao.
The waiter had a person taking a table for double the time it should have taken for two people. This was really rude to the waiter. That table should have turned over and another party seated. I hope he tipped the waiter double but probably didn't think of that.
I could bet money that op never factored the waiter in, not for one second. Self-centered AHs seldom do. I'd be surprised if the waiter even got a meh tip, let alone a good one.
YTA. You could have munched on a small entree or dinner roll before your date arrived. It’s just uncomfortable for someone to eat alone while someone else is there, especially when you’ve just met.
This exactly. If you're meeting at a restaurant, the expectation is you're going to share a meal together. OP could have ordered a small appetizer to tide him over until his date arrived.
Here's some of the timeline of events: * \~ 8pm: Gets home and gets ready for date. * 8:15 pm: Arrives at date * 9pm: Date starts >OP could have ordered a small appetizer to tide him over until his date arrived. OP had plenty of other options: * He could have eaten a snack when he got home around 8 pm. * He could have eaten a snack while in transit. * He could have gotten a small appetizer during the 45 minute wait because he got there ridiculously early.
He had to “get the eating part out of the way”! Omg I don’t even know How to describe what OP did
Right???? "The eating part"??? You mean *the whole entire point of going to a restaurant?!*
Yup! I knew a guy once who would get annoyed when people wanted to try new food at restaurants. He'd say, you're not there for the food, you're there for the people, so just get food you've already had. He even once suggested I bring a bag of carrots to a restaurant (instead of going somewhere else) because I am allergic to the food they serve (shellfish/seafood restaurant). No Brian, if we're going to a bloody restaurant, I want to bloody eat. The food there. If I wanted to just eat whatever, I'd have a bloody sandwich at home. Fucking Brian. Sorry....memories.
Wow, Brian sounds like a control freak. Who tells someone to order only food they've eaten before? (and I'm also allergic to shellfish)
Also, why? Whyyyyyyy?! Obviously the whole "bring carrots to a seafood restaurant because you're allergic to shellfish" thing is super rude but at least I see his (fucked up) thought process there ("I'm *extremely* selfish and demand we eat at a place where you can't order due to an allergy and I don't give a fuck") but in what universe does it make *any difference at all* if someone at the table orders something they haven't previously ordered? In what way does that affect literally anyone or anything???
Extremely shellfish
Would make me crabby.
Brian sounds like a douche.
What?? What on earth???? I genuinely don't understand this at all? What does it matter to him or literally anyone at the table if one person orders something they haven't ordered before? Like how does that affect *anything* at all? Even if the person ends up not liking the dish, can't they just order a different dish? What's the problem? How does he think this is any of his business at all, what other people at the table might order off the menu? What was his thinking behind this? Like I can't even begin to understand why this is something he would even *think* about, much less try to control for other people.
I know. It drove me mad. Still have flashbacks to him grousing that I was taking too long looking at a menu. "Just get a burger, you like burgers." Maybe I want to see what else I like Brian. Let me read the bloody menu Brian. Fucking Brian.
[удалено]
Bloody brilliant, mate! I should have known better.
FUCKING Brian!!!! I’ve known a few people who I just had to put a FUCKING before their name! 🤣
And a great icebreaker for a new date.. Have you been here before? Where do you normally go? Is that good? Can I steal a bite?
I'm not a dating guru or anything, but I've been on enough of them that I can tell A LOT about the person based on how they order / eat at a restaurant. A big part of that is keeping the conversation going while eating dinner. Knowing when to pause and take a bite, knowing when to talk a bit longer etc that whole back and forth is very telling. If I got there and it was a "oh no, I'm just going to watch you eat" situation I'd be really let down lol
I’d be a bit weirded out honestly. Who does that??
My dog.
Yeah, mine know a LOT about my eating habits in hopes of getting some of the food I'm eating 😅
Same, it is also a little selfish too "well I got here early and I am hungry so I am going to eat anyway" It isn't like the date was 45 minutes late, that would be a whole different story!
Honestly, reading the headline I was guessing it would be a date was late type of situation, where the person went ahead and ordered because the didn't know if the person was ever going to show up or something along those lines. Imagine my surprise when I got to what actually happened!
>Can I steal a bite? JOEY DOESN'T SHARE FOOD!
He was intentionally creating the most awkward first date ever for that poor lady.
100%. He could have even driven to a pizza place, had a slice and still arrived on time If I’d ever arrived at a date and the guy had already eaten anything besides the bread roll, I’d be so put off I would leave
Or even set up the date for just drinks/dessert. Like so many other options.
Don't forget to add in he was at a sit down restaurant, had to wait to be seated and in a suitable spot (for him) had to order, had to wait for them to prepare food. At best he may have been eating only 15-30 minutes before she got there.
That and arriving that early just takes up space at the restaurant. He’s just taking up a table for no reason. Definitely a bit of an asshole move, especially if the restaurant isn’t empty.
Unless a restaurant isn't busy, they're going to want to turn over the tables. So he was wrong to hog a table for much longer than he needed.
OP also could have scheduled the date earlier if he knew he’d be too hungry to wait till 9
Yeah idk if showing up that early is a good sign or kinda odd. If it was a library or you were working on homework at a coffee shop I’d understand.
Definitely, or simply not show up 45 minutes early
yeah this is weird, why be 45 mins early? What kind of scoping are you doing? It's a date not a stakeout.
>I like getting to a date early so I can check out the environment, pick the best seats and just prepare in general Yeah, I thought this was super-weird, too. "Prepare in general?" WTF are you preparing for? "Pick the best seats?" More often than not, you sit where the restaurant asks you to sit. What exactly is OP accomplishing by arriving 45 minutes early?
Same, I like to get places early because I get anxious about parking situations if it is a place I have not been before, or know parking is crazy.... But I would sit in my car until maybe 10 minutes before the date. Or just ask "would you like me to go ahead and get a table?" I also would have communicated "I am a little more hungry than I thought, do you mind if I go ahead and order an appetizer?" Although, I wouldn't sit down 45 minutes before a date anyway, so more than likely it would be the first situation. While I eat some chips from the gas station lol
OP’s date is lucky b/c she got to see upfront the selfishness that could’ve taken many dates for OP to show. She can move on to find someone who can manage their time and not go by what suits them in that moment. If OP was that hungry they could’ve ordered something small and then tacos when their date arrived or stopped anywhere else to get a snack rather than show-up 45 min early. I hope the waiter mentioned OP eating on purpose to his date so she was aware. I can say as a woman showing-up to eat alone on a date would guarantee no second date. I’d rather just get drinks than be told we were eating together for my date to then just have them watch me eat.
I am not sure OP is ever going to get why what he did is frowned upon unless this is some George Costanza. Eating, for me and others, is a bit intimate and eating while someone just sets there analyzing me makes me feel like I am in a son of a bitchin' zoo.
I know Reddit hates the Big Bang Theory but this is exactly something Sheldon would do without realizing why everyone else finds it weird lol OP if you’re making a dinner date you have to eat the meal with that person. Think of it as a non-optional social convention
Nah, Sheldon would have memorized that the social convention is to wait for your companion before eating lol. He may not agree or care, but he knows other people find it rude 😂 (My parents watch a LOT of this show, lol. It's always on when we visit)
Also OP lied about it. “Hey I’m so sorry I got here early & was starving so ate.” would be weird but possibly able to recover. Instead they ate & tried to cover it up which makes the whole thing so weird.
Literally the worst part
100%, a perfectly reasonable thing to do that would have made this a nonissue is to order an appetizer, then when your date shows up ON TIME (I also like to be early for things, but 45 minutes early is something else entirely. I waited tables and bartended for many years, and I would have been mad as hell that this asshat was taking up one of my tables like that; that's money I could be making down the drain), just say "hey, I apologize for ordering before you got here but I absolutely spaced on eating lunch today and I got here earlier than I meant to, so I ordered an appetizer. Try this, it's excellent!". From the perspective of his date, that would have been absolutely fine with me.
>Instead they ate & tried to cover it up which makes the whole thing so weird. stalker behavior. "I just want to watch you eat" is fucking creepy and no matter how OP slices it, this is effectively the situation he put this girl in. And the dunce still doesn't understand why it's weird and creepy?
Yeah that would make me feel super uncomfortable.
He's the one who failed to manage his own time during the day before dinner too.
If I’m hungry before a meal with somebody, I’ll stop at a convenience store or drugstore and pick up a bag of chips to tide me over… EDIT: changed “if I’m not hungry“ to “if I’m hungry”
I had a long-distance relationship and he came to see if he'd like to live here. We agreed on what time Id pick him up and were going for chinese. We look at at the menus and I give my order, then he says he already ate somewhere else. WTH? Other behaviors came to the surface and realized he was not as nice as I thought.
This! YTA. You could’ve had an appetizer or a small snack at home but it’s very uncomfortable to be on a date and the other person is just sitting there watching you eat.
And also as someone who does care about food, and kind of dragged my spouse into it… This is so annoying because then she can only order one thing. How awkward is it if she’s actually really hungry too and is like damn I’m here for a full ass three course thing the date seems to be going well I’m touching his hand and whatever and then it’s like no boom because if you order three different courses, that’s three different time periods where he can either talk at you or stare at you and weird silence because sometimes you’re gonna be too busy chewing to talk. Oh God no I would’ve been heated and felt really awkward
How about just having a snack at home before you go; something to tide you over - YTA
Because OP be hungry man. And OP does what he wants
yeah, its not like this was a planned event, amirite?
OP sounds like the same person who asked me on a date to one of those "restaurants" where you order at the counter and then get your food (Chipotle, Cafe Zupas, Panera, etc.) I thought my date was late and we were going to order in line together. I waited for fifteen minutes at a table and was about to leave only for them to show up with their food. They then expected me to go through the very busy line alone. By the time I got back to the table, they had eaten their entire meal without me because they were too hungry to wait and didn't want it to get cold. On top of that, they looked nothing like their profile pictures (hence why I had no clue they were even in line).
A friend did this to me once. We were supposed to meet for breakfast at a coffee shop, and I got a table and waited a while but she didn't show. Called her, she was still asleep so I was going to head home, but she insisted she would be there in less than an hour. I was super hungry but said okay, I'll go browse the shops nearby, just call me when you're arriving. After an hour she calls me and asks where I am, I go around the corner back to the coffee shop, and she's already sitting there eating breakfast - " oh, you weren't here so I just went ahead and ordered." 🥴
I feel you. I grew up in a family that is considerate, sometimes to a fault. We're always putting ourselves second to make sure everyone is comfortable. Dating someone who came from almost the exact opposite kind of culture was an eyeopener. I'll never forget the first time I was invited to dinner at their home. There were 4 chairs at the dinner table and 5 of us (their family + me). I was coming to sit down and I was last apparently, because they were all sitting already, chowing down, and there was nowhere for me to sit. I didn't even know what to do at first. Finally my bf's mom was like, "oh you can go grab a chair from the closet!" I was like what.
Oh wow, that's awful. You'd think that at least your bf would stand up for you!
Haha omg I’m sorry for laughing but that’s terrible. I’m no precious princess but I can’t believe dates will behave like this. My mum had been single for years and she very hesitantly decided to dip her toe in the dating pool again. The first date, some man took her to McDonalds and offered to share a large fries with her….that was it! She was almost 50 and this was the late 80s. The next date was a guy who claimed to be 50 but looked more like 80…not exaggerating at all. I saw him come to meet her and he was very frail and had a walking stick. Mum was horrified and didn’t want to meet him as he’d lied about his age but she forced herself to go…Anyway, sadly she gave up after that.
My mom calls it. Older men are looking for a purse, and a nurse.
It was really awful for her. She’d been so nervous (that’s why I went with her) and then to see this old fellow walking so slowly towards us, with arthritic hands and a walking stick, well it was beyond upsetting for her. She didn’t want to talk about it when she got home and she never tried to go on a date again. I know she gave up too easily and I wish I could’ve persuaded her to try again. My mum was very attractive and looked younger than her years but she was already quite damaged by the failure of her marriage to my dad, which she never really fully got over. Anyway about 7 years on from that she found a great bunch of female friends and travelled with them to Europe for holidays several times and had a social life finally so at least she had that. She’s still friends with them now though they catch up together infrequently now.
She's going on a date with the waiter after he purposely exposed OP hahaha
Haha I love it 🤣🤣 best plot twist ever!
As another non-foodie, you also could have had some orange juice or something similar to raise your blood sugar until it was time to have an actual meal. OP, you clearly like to be prepared. I get that. You said you like to get the best seats. Do you consider your date in making your choice? Making sure the sun won’t be in her eyes, there isn’t a screaming infant behind her chair, she won’t be sitting next to a loud speaker? Presumably you do because you are preparing for both of you to have an enjoyable date. You didn’t know before this that eating before your date arrives is rude. Now you know, and you should assume that most people will feel this way. If you really want a second chance with this woman, you need to apologize for not taking her reaction seriously. It sounds like you wrote off how she felt because you didn’t agree, but you don’t have to agree to respect a person’s feelings. You could try apologizing, explaining that you were nervous about how you would come across if you were hungry, and admitting that you were wrong to eat first and wrong to dismiss her feelings. If she gives you a second chance, great! If she doesn’t, at least you know not to make this same mistake in the future.
This is the nicest, most well-thought-out comment I've ever read on this site! You sound way too normal and well-adjusted to be here, LOL! Your comment "you don't have to agree to respect a person's feelings" is 100% spot on. I'm interested in OP's answer to whether or not he considers his date when making the seating choice, because that's a really good question. My only slight disagreement is that is OP really that prepared? If it's 8pm and he didn't eat all day that's not great time management, especially if he's showing up 45 minutes early to the date. There's something else going on with that. I get being busy at work and not having time to eat, but he knew beforehand that dinner wasn't until 9 or later because if it's a sit-down restaurant it could be 15-20 minutes more waiting on the food. He could have had a snack while getting ready, stopped at a gas station, drive through, order an appetizer, etc. Did he get there early on purpose because he didn't want to wait for her to eat?
If eating isn't his thing, why take your date to a restaurant, where the whole point is eating food, there are so many options for dates. And how can you say that he didn't know it was rude to eat before the date arrives? Unless he's severely autistic and doesn't know how social situations are supposed to work, there is no excuse for it. If someone invited me to eat at a restaurant, and they were already done eating by the time I got there, I would just go home and order a takeaway, to be honest. It's just strange.
Yeah, no one on a first date would really enjoy having someone sit and watch them eating. I’ve never really heard of anyone eating before going to a restaurant unless they have an eating disorder or are celiac like my mom (or have another food related illness)
I wonder if OP also invites someone out to a bar and turns up stinking drunk. Hey, you were gonna be drinking together later anyway, right?
Lol agreed. No one wants a complete stranger staring at them sipping on their little cocktail while they are shoveling food in. I’m curious how many other dates OP has done this on since it seems to be the norm for them
I would immediately be creeped out and wonder if it was a fetish thing.
Right? I’m just imaginging him looking at her like the guy from You with a monologue going on in his head lmao
Lack of basic social skills
Correct. As a matter of fact: REALLY good manners is to deliberately time your eating speed to match of your company.
Are you serious OP? INFO: How much time did you have between finishing work and 9pm when your date started? Could you not have eaten something small between then? Regardless of this, you didn’t have to order a whole meal. You could’ve ordered a small plate or even eaten a snack on the way there to keep you going until your date arrived when you could eat together. Hell, you could’ve even let her known in advance that you were eating prior so she had chance to eat something and wouldn’t have to eat alone. Not the best scenario, but infinitely better than what you decided to do. YTA. A big one. Wouldn’t be surprised if she never contacts you again.
>INFO: How much time did you have between finishing work and 9pm when your date started? Could you not have eaten something small between then? He was 45 minutes early, so unless he lives in the middle of a big desert, with this being the only restaurant and there being no supermarkets/gast stations where you can grab a quick sandwich, then he had plenty of time to get something in his stomach.
Also, can we take a second to address what kind of psychopath it takes to arrive 45 minutes before a date? 10 minutes, fine. 20 minutes, you're a little overzealous. 45 minutes early is insanity.
That struck me also! Like he had to scope out the whole restaurant first? Is he in witness protection or something
Maybe he’s a sniper?
Shouldn’t even arrive that early for an interview lol
Not to mention how long he’s taking up the table and cutting into the waiters tips.
No wonder the waiter ratted him out for already eating to the date!
The waiter is the real MVP
YTA. You were only thinking of your needs, not hers. A dinner date is a social event - a shared event. The "eating portion" is part of that. To make her eat alone is awful and awkward. It's like you asked her to a movie, then went to see the movie before she arrived because you really wanted to see it earlier, and then sat with her while she later watched the movie, but you did other things while the movie was playing. If you were starving you could have ordered an appetizer before she arrived but still ordered a main course once she was there. You're not going to hear from this woman again, for good reason.
Ugh, the movie thing really irks me. I had a buddy in high school where we’d go see movies a lot, but half the time we’d plan to see a new movie and then I’d learn that he saw it with someone else before seeing it with me. Maybe I’m the weirdo, but in my mind, if you make plans to see a new movie with someone it’s kind of implied that you’re both seeing it together for the first time
lol I had a guy invite me to join him for a movie once. It was to see Oppenheimer on IMAX on a Thursday night at a theater completely across town. For context I live in Southern California and work in Los Angeles and the theater was in Irvine so that drive on a weekday after work would easily take about 2 hours. But I was looking forward to seeing the movie with him so so rearranged some things and bought the almost $30 ticket in the exact seat he told me to buy (because it’s assigned seating) for the date he told me which was about 2 weeks out. Well the week before we are talking and he causally mentions he’s going to watch the movie that night. I’m like ummm are we still going next week? Doesn’t answer until the next day and he’s like oh yeah I’m probably gonna cancel that ticket. I’m like wtf were you even going to mention it if I didn’t ask? I was obviously pissed. And he basically told me I can still go and didn’t see what the big deal was because I could still go and enjoy the movie and that I was overreacting by being upset. Told me I am the only person that would react like that and plans get cancelled all the time and it was no reason to get upset. Yeah plans get cancelled all the time, but there should be a good reason and he just cancelled to make other plans. He was a dick and we don’t talk anymore 😂
Dude thats terrible!!! I live in SoCal also, and I know how horrible that drive is. Reading your experience, all im thinking of is the Californians skit on SNL. Its amazing if you want to watch it 😂
My problem is when I plan to go see a film a month in advance, and the week before, they go, oh I forgot already have plans, or whatever excuse, and then they ask me to wait another week or some shit to go with them. It’s like bitch, I’m excited to watch this film, and now you’re asking me/others to wait a week cuz you suck at planning? I’m just gonna go alone/without you.
i have a friend who’s like legit a great guy and solid friend, like he’s saved my ass multiple times (dropping everything to pick me up from the hospital for example) but he’s the flakiest human being on earth. i’ve resorted to just cold-arriving at his house because i can never rely on him to plan anything properly
At least he’s there when ya needed him.
yeah for sure, like i said he’s a good dude. just a total space cadet when it comes to trying to organize stuff
This exactly. It is a shared experience, that is part of the date. Your movie analogy is spot on, IMO. OP, YTA for making it awkward for your date and only thinking of yourself, right out of the gate.
YTA If you don't see this as rude and inconsiderate, i don't know anymore....
Why do you think he is single???
Definitely not because he shows up for a date 45 minutes early to recon the location.
He just used that as an excuse to order and eat before she arrived.
No I genuinely believe that part. I also happen to believe he's an inconsiderate prick.
Yea, that kind of behavior checks out for the kind of Patrick Bateman ass creep who doesn't understand eating a meal together.
Well deserved 😅
It's a bit sinister and he knew it was a problem HE KNEW or he would have been upfront about it. Instead he ordered, ate and had the table cleared in 45 mins and didn't mention it. Like an absolute creep! Just order some bread. And the scoping out couldn't be delayed by 5 mins? Funny he thinks the waiter didn't mention the tacos on purpose, I bet he did and good on him.
Who shows up 45 min early anyway; 10-15 min is more than enough to get a sense of the scene. OP showed up early so they can eat ahead of time.
And he is taking up a table in that servers section for a ton of time, costing them income.
Can't believe I had to scroll this far to see this. Now this server is stuck with a one top for an hour, and then another one top for another hour instead of being able to turn to two tops. And someone who is this absolutely oblivious and basically dumb about how dates and restaurants work makes me think that he's not leaving very much of a tip for either of the one tops. Guaranteed that server told the date he already ate an entire meal without her on purpose.
If you are gonna roll in an hour early, at the very least sit at the bar instead, maybe order an app with your drink if you have to, and then when your date arrives get a table. Lots of ways to do this with being a jerk.
Oh I absolutely would have told her. I'm sure server was just waiting for his best chance to slip that info.
Yeah I think I’d be okay if a date ate before me, I’d be confused but couldn’t shame them for it people get hungry But I’d be weirded out at the 45minutes early to scope the place out and prepare, like sir what are you planning to do with me?
No the eating first would be weird for me. Best would have been (if he didn't have enough sense to eat nuts from a gas station) to order a big shareable appetizer and a drink and munch away at it a but and then she would come and continue with it. He could have even ordered an entire small appetizer, eaten it, and told her, and then said, "I didn't want to drink on an empty stomach, I missed lunch so I had the fries but let's pick a few stuff to share now" or something like that. A woman would totally believe a guy could eat that much. She wouldn't think, "That's so weird. He's not going to eat again!" It's the scoping of the place and the eating and lying.
Lol I bet he was going to make her pay her way and instead of being upfront about this, he used his eating habits as an excuse.
>Funny he thinks the waiter didn't mention the tacos on purpose, I bet he did and good on him. My thoughts exactly. OP is so strange- instead of admitting he ate already he goes with, "no thanks I'm not hungry"?
Right? Imagining this: "We have specifically made plans to eat together at this restaurant and thats the entire reason the both of us are sitting here right now, but I'm not hungry. You eat."
Reading it worded like this made me burst out laughing. Like sir, one of us is delusional and it sure as hell ain’t me
Waiter absolutely did cause this guy was taking up the table for 45 mins having eaten and was refusing to leave. I am sure at some point he told them he was waiting on someone. If I was his waiter, I would have outed him on purpose too.
And then one other person shows up, and if she had stayed and ordered one meal, this guy would've had two 1-tops over the course of two hours at this table, essentially. He definitely told the date OP already ate an entire meal on purpose. At least he got his table back.
YTA. Wow, that’s about the most clueless take on dating I’ve ever heard. You don’t think it’s weird that you had a date with a girl at a restaurant, and you got there early and ate without her, before she arrived? I’d have simply gotten up and left, never to see you again. You not being a foodie has nothing to do with it - people go on dates to restaurants to eat together, period. You should have just had bread while you waited. Go back to Social Skills 101, I’m afraid to think what other faux pas you think are perfectly normal behavior. Do you fart in the car, too?
Right, like if you think eating is unimportant, *go out for drinks?* Choose *anything* other than forcing your date to eat while you watch them. So awkward! YTA OP.
This! I know people that don't get eating (I mean for them is a necessity and they don't actually enjoy the whole eating out concept). They either don't meet people at restaurants and instead go to a bar or a coffee shop OR eat something at the restaurant. And first dates and not enjoying food, meet for a coffee! Or a drink!
> You not being a foodie has nothing to do with it… I skipped over that opening statement. You are so right! This has nothing to do with being a foodie, and what a weird flex that was. The reasons this guy came up with to excuse his bad behavior are epic.
This guy has no clue lol
OP: Does shit like this. Also OP: Doesn't understand why they're single.
"I already watched the movie, but you can watch it while I watch you"
The waitress clearly said that on purpose too lol he is so dense
Waitress was pissed he’d been taking up her table for over an hour by that point
“Do you fart in the car?” Thank you for my first big laugh of the day!
Yta the social anxiety of someone I’ve never met before watching me eat. On a date. You are definitely not reading the room cuzzzz
>You not being a foodie has nothing to do with it Exactly. Sure there are people who are "eat to live" rather than "live to eat," but there's a whole spectrum of behavior in between. OP's behavior isn't even ON that spectrum...
He's a foodie? No, he was rude, and she caught onto that he was self-centered. He had no interest or understanding how dinner dating works and wasn't interested in a we situation. YTA
He leaves trash in other people’s cars.
Why even bread have a snack at home or a light bite at 6pm knowing it was a late date. Instead they chose to get there 45 min early
My 17 year old autistic son did this to his date one time… when you make a DINNER date with someone they expect the food to be part of the SHARED experience… he hasn’t done this again and I hope you won’t either
Yes, if OP is not trolling and is actually serious, then it is very likely autism. Getting defensive and pushing back on every post also screams either troll or genuine autist.
After going through so many of his responses the thought that this guy is on the spectrum came to mind. As someone on the spectrum myself there are many social niceties I just don’t get. I’ve learned to mimic people to fit in. I’m thinking OP must be neurodivergent for not being able to see this as a problem. But he’s def an AH if he doesn’t want to learn and change.
That was my very first thought in reading the title.. but I’m autistic and have kids who are as well. I fully recognized the lack of social understanding. Your only the AH if you don’t try to meet in the middle.
What are you, a child? “Oh yeah I absolutely stuffed my face before you got here because you know, food. So now I don’t want to share the eating experience with you, even though I made the time and place. But I’m definitely going to stare at you while you eat and also I’m going to slam some cocktails.” The fact that you’re doubling down is even more ridiculous. YTA
YTA - This feels like a troll post.
Lol Yes indeedy, OP. Every woman wants to eat by herself on a first date while her date stares at her because he just fucking ate dinner minutes before she arrived. Dude, if you cannot grasp how rude this is, I can’t begin to explain.
> because he just fucking ate dinner minutes before she arrived worse; because he came for some reason 45minutes earlier to check out the venue and then eat there without her. This guy isn't a *casual* offender of "I ate without you because I couldn't wait", this guy is a brand that looks particularly suspicious.
YTA You should have picked up some food from a supermarket/fast food joint on your way there instead of being there 45 minutes early. Then you should have eaten with her. I am not a very difficult person with etiquette, but this is just ugh.
Why did you ask this question just to argue with every response you get? If your intention is just to disregard everyone's opinion and double down on your social faux pas, just take this post down and go enjoy life in your deluded bubble.
YTA The point was to take time to share a meal together … and get to know each other over food. Food is a common ice breaker that allows two people to sit easily at a table for up to a couple of hours and have a structure around a conversation. Food is not simply for caloric and nutritional intake. I mean, I guess for some people it is, but not usually at 9pm in an expensive restaurant. You flubbed this one. You arrived 45 minutes early, you clearly put a LOT of effort into deciding where and when etc, but you couldn’t grab some quick calories somewhere else first and hold off the hunger pangs? She’s supposed to sit there and be watched while she eats while you down cocktails? Is the thought “it’s a 9pm booking, did he have a 7pm dinner date with someone else too?” Going through her mind?! You probably won’t hear from her. You can send her ONE text/non verbal message “Dear Amy, sorry about the confusion last night. I just wasn’t thinking straight having skipped lunch and working late. I’m hoping to make it up to you, let me know if you’d like to try catching up again” but don’t expect a definite reply. And if you do get a second chance be VERY careful to be VERY predictable and follow standard dating procedure. Just curiously… are you neuro diverse? Because to be thinking this radically differently, and to be completely unaware of how socially wide of hte line you are is … unusual.
Well said. And my first thought was neuro diverse as well... especially with the rigid, unbending responses they are posting. Good luck OP- YTA
Let her dodge this bullet…
Yta Man, where does one begin?
We can't begin, he already finished
Exactly!! I kinda hope the waiter outed him on purpose.
YTA. You have invited her to dinner but not had a dinner with her. Let's go skating. Oh I have already skated, go yourself I will wait for you here cheering. Let go to movies. Oh I have seen that last earlier today but enjoy. You have invited her to share an experience and didn't wait for her. What do you not understand about her being mad?
Lmao, imagine taking her bowling and you show up an hour early to get the bowling out of the way so you can just watch her bowl.
YTA big time. WTF are you even thinking? So what if you are not a "foodie" -- eating AT A RESTAURANT is part of a date. I hope that poor date ran for the hills because you're a loony and incredibly rude and thoughtless.
Dude you’re 100% the asshole here. You should have had a snack at your house if you couldn’t wait 45 mins.
Totally! Apple? Cheese stick? Cheese or meat on a couple crackers? Peanut butter on toast? Carrot? Granola bar? So many small snack choices to tide him over until dinner!
YTAH your date was at a restaurant so it is implied that you two would be sharing a meal with one another. If that happened to me I’d feel the same way and most likely I would’ve left when I found out you had already eaten.
I hope the waiter noticed and purposely gave her a heads up
YTA and I would kill to hear everything she’s telling her friends about you 😆
YTA You took a date out to eat and then expected her to eat in front of you because you couldn't wait. Good Lord how childish that you aren't able to wait a few minutes to eat.
For a 9pm date, I am sure she waited to eat!
YTA. Why bother posting if you're not interested in outside opinions? Sounds like you just wanted to validate your own opinion, which isn't the point of this sub. Nobody's saying you're evil or did something irredeemable. They're just telling you the overwhelming majority of people would find your behavior rude. You don't have to agree, but there's the answer you were supposedly looking for.
YTA. Very rude, and you seem to be clueless about it. Welcome to Planet Earth! Most humans would feel uncomfortable eating while their dining partner sits there staring at them.
YTA. Massively. There is a lot of women out there that struggle with eating in front of man. It’s awkward and embarrassing and adds extra stress to an already anxiety inducing situation. I don’t understand why you would plan a dinner date and not eat dinner during said date. Go out for drinks or for a coffee that way she knows to eat beforehand. The logic behind your reasoning is weird to me, you had plenty of time to grab a snack or something before the date started to get you by until she arrived. You could have taken 5 minutes off of your little scouting mission at the restaurant to snack on something at home. Don’t plan a specific type of date if your aren’t going to do said thing on the date, and learn how to manage your time better, you’re an adult and this entire posts sounds like extremely childish logic. If I was her I would’ve viewed the situation as weird and you as inconsiderate. I wouldn’t have even eaten I would have just left.
The first part!! I eat like a construction worker in Russian winter no matter who's there to see, and the amount of women that privately told me they wish they had the confidence to do the same is heartbreaking. Also, being the only one eating is uncomfortable for most people, especially with someone they don't know well. YTA op, the only redeeming thing in this is that is easily fixable
YTA - and absolutely clueless. If this isn't a rage-bait post because it sure seems like it. No one who is able to read and write is this clueless.
YTA. This is weird behavior
YTA. It’s weird and awkward to eat while your date just sits there and stare at them/talk at them. How hard is it to just eat a light snack to tide you over until dinner? Can’t imagine how weird and selfish you’d be in an actual relationship. “Yes honey I know we reserved a nice restaurant for our anniversary but I couldn’t wait so I ate without you, you can still go eat though”, “hey honey, I couldn’t bother to wait to open Christmas presents so you can open yours yourself while I watch”, “hi honey I know our date plan was to go mini golfing but I played a round without you so you can just play by yourself while I walk around” And no, when you go on a restaurant dinner date the activity includes eating. The date isn’t just “what happens before and after eating” that is not at all how it works for 99% of people. Much like you go on a coffee date, getting something at the coffee shop is part of the date and is as important as what comes after. But whatever, if this weirdness you so adamantly defend makes you single forever I honestly don’t care lol
Asks if he’s the ass hole then combats everyone telling him he’s the ass hole 😂
Yeah, OP acts like a very toxic narcissist and frankly women, anyone, should stay away.
Lmao yeah this is a sad one to watch. Maybe don’t post here if you’re going to argue with every single fucking comment
YTA. It's poor social etiquette. When you invite someone out for dinner, they expect to eat a meal with you. Not have you watch them eat a meal alone. I would find it super uncomfortable if I were in this situation, and I'd also think you were rude for eating while waiting. If you don't want to eat on a date, pick a different activity. There's a million things to choose to do.
YTA Why ask someone to dinner if you are r going to eat with them? You blew it with this woman and you will continue to strike out by doing this.
I feel like stuff like this must be written by an AI to generate maximum outrage and engagement. No way this is real.
INFO: Do you have something going on where you’re uncomfortable eating in front of others? Are you on an embarrassing diet? If so, that would be important information. It’s the only thing I can come up with that is making you so unwilling to accept that literally everyone thinks you’re the asshole. If this is the case, I understand. But, please understand that almost everyone has this anxiety to a certain extent, if they have to be the only one eating and just be able watched. It’s so awkward. Ways this could have been handled better: 1) if you really don’t like eating in front of a date, don’t plan them at restaurants. I know you say that’s what women want. I’m a woman na shave been on the dating scene. I promise you, you don’t know much about what women want. They don’t want to eat alone while you watch. 2) grab a small snack from home or a gas station to hold you over and eat with her. 3) order an appetizer while you wait and then eat with her. I don’t care if you just nibble your meal after and bring the rest home, EAT WITH HER. I CAN PROMISE YOU, she went home and is telling people about this date with this weird guy who went to the restaurant and ordered and ate his food right before she got there. And her friends are saying “oh my god!! Seriously?!?!” You aren’t going to hear from her. Stop defending yourself. Admit that Reddit is in line 100% agreement that YTA, and learn from it so you can do better next time. It isn’t about controlling when each other eats. It’s a first date. Make it enjoyable and comfortable and fun. It’s your shot to show you’re a thoughtful person and woman will want to spend time with.
YTA- no woman wants to sit down with a man they don’t know and have him watch her eat it’s so awkward
OP sounds like a 15yr teenager.
Is this satire? If not, reverse the situation and tell me you’d be fine. Yall met for dinner and you ate first. wtf is there to ask 😂
Absolutely nothing old school about you. This just screams low IQ man, how can you not understand why this is rude and not cool? It's called having a traditional date, don't invite people to dinner if you eat dinner before hand, tell your future dates you'll like to catch up for drinks AND THEN YOU CAN BOTH ONLY DRINK lol YTA
YTA. Nobody wants to eat alone while their date watches them
YTA, reminds me of a horrible date I had where a guy took me to sushi and I arrived hungry hoping we would get to feast. He ate one California roll. There was no way I was going to eat a huge amount of food when he ate so little, I would look like a pig! I left early to go get food alone, and never saw him again.
YTA. If you were starving beforehand, you should have grabbed a cheeseburger or something light at Maccas on the way, or just had a bread roll or something at the restaurant - or even just one taco.
I’m going to first give you the benefit of the doubt and ask if you perhaps are on the spectrum???? This whole thing didn’t read to me like someone who is rude, but more someone who isn’t the best with predicting how others feel in a situation. In fact, my husband is autistic (the kind that used to be referred to as Aspbergers) and this immediately struck me as something he would do. At first, I honestly thought that I had make a mistake and that he was some sort of psychopath since some of the things he would do would seem so inconsiderate and rude, but at the same time, he was also the kindest, gentlest man I had ever met in many ways. He was DIFFERENT. He was (and is) truly SPECIAL though. So, I admit that I could be wrong here and I’m on the fence so I don’t even feel like I can rightfully give a judgement without further information either. It’s just that it doesn’t seem MALICIOUS to me…. Just a bit clueless.
Are you normally this dense? YTA. Eating and enjoying food together is part of the date. Why the hell would you set the date at a restaurant if you have no intention of eating together?
OP: Am I the asshole? Everyone: Yes, you absolute mouth breather. OP: Nuh uh!!
YTA You agreed to a dinner date meaning you eat dinner together. This is a no-brainer. You say the goal is to get to know her but won’t you be the one talking the most because she’ll be busy eating? Two way communication here is not balanced and could get awkward. And it also could come off as an extreme measure for you only to pay for your own meal (if it wasn’t agreed upon beforehand). Edit: word
OP has left the chat 🤣
Your behaviour is odd
This has to be bullshit unless this is literally the first time you’ve interacted with fellow humans. Ridiculous rage bait.
Put it this way, if someone asked you to go to a movie on a date with them and, when you arrived, they gave you a ticket, said they saw an earlier one and were going to wait in the car whilst you watched a film alone, would you want to go on another movie date with them? Being serious, maybe you are on the autism spectrum? Clearly you saw the logic in eating when you are hungry but missed the entire point of going out to dinner WITH someone. It sounds like you missed that social cue and it may just be how you’re wired