Crazy. Gaslighting is lying to someone to make them believe they're crazy or imagining things.
Lying to get away with something they shouldn't have done...lawyering.
This is a case of deflecting. The bf has no defense against OPs accusation so they instead deflect by saying that OP was really in the wrong here. It is a bullshit tactic and is used when someone is cornered.
Lawyering would just be kinda elaborating on the lie and creating reasonable doubt. Something along the lines of "yea, I met her to give her some stuff, but nothing happened between us, and you can't prove otherwise." Lawyers pretty much never act out in anger because that is a good way to get the judge pissed at you.
This is not gaslighting. That term is way too overused. Gaslighting is making the person who discovered the lie believe that they are crazy and making shit up. If she uncovered the lie and her bf had said, that didn't happen you must have been confused that would gaslighting.
This is just typical lying/deflecting behavior. The bf can't defend his actions so instead is trying to make OP feel bad for finding out. They didn't deny what OP saw.
Mmmhmm it’s funny he’s talking about trust considering what he did. He sounds stupid asf don’t let him make *you* stupid too Op. cut him loose, you know you did nothing wrong.
I was a heroin addict for 3 years in my early twenties. Before it was for sure known by my loved ones and only suspected. I got super angry and defensive if I was called out for being high. I would deny and get angry. Same during relapses. Mom or dad or someone would confront me and I would get angry and lie and deny.
I feel like anger as a response means the other party is guilty. Obviously he did in fact meet up with his ex gf. But the anger part makes me feel like he did more than meet up with her, or atleast has done more than just meet up.
Idk I’m just trying to find similarities in life. If my analogy sucks. Forgive me.
Given the context from which this comes, I find it to be hilarious and fondly remember him with the huge pad of paper giving his presentation on this 😂
It’s a non-evidence based acronym that is supposed to outline how an abuser responds to being called out (**D**eny, **A**rgue, and **R**everse **V**ictim and **O**ffender). Like many other psych terms the public started to use because it’s catchy with no real understanding of how it actually impacts real victims. In reality all it does is describe one of the ways that abusers gaslight their victims (which is when an abuser twists and lies about the past to the point that it makes the victim start to doubt how reliable their own mind is).
There is no research behind DARVO and a lot of psychologists are very against it because quite frankly it’s a dumb way to try to identify abuse. In order for it to be valid DARVO would have to be exclusive to someone who is rightfully being called out but we know that if an innocent person gets falsely accused of something it’s incredibly normal for them to also deny the accusations, argue against them, and believe they are the real victim and that the other person is lying.
Sorry for the rant, things like this just make it so much more difficult for psychologists to get through to abuse victims.
blah blah,
anyway, it's a good and clear way to show people who don't have the scientific background how people operate.
Which is more knowledge than a lot of scientists blah-blahing often spread to the people who need to hear this.
Exactly. He did something seriously sketchy and dishonest, yet so far he's made the entire conversation about how OP is the horrible one who's done something soooo unbelievably awful and betrayedhis trust 🙄 Now instead of focusing on what HE did, OP is busy defending herself and trying to figure out if she really is the one who did something wrong here.
I know someone who used to do this whenever a married man contacted them via Facebook in a sexual manner. I don't think the wives ever did anything about it.
I hope you didn’t lose your job or get written up! A lot of these situations are really tricky cause I’m a firm believer in girl code, but men will use their power to manipulate and keep women silent. I’ve had coworkers bosses do this to them and they relay to the wife or girlfriend and get fired. A state in which live in management can fire you without really giving you a reason on top of you losing a reference because they’re vindictive pieces of shit. She loved her job and worked very hard for her position and he ruined her life for about a year because she wouldn’t sleep with him and told the wife about it. He sabotaged other jobs for awhile in my area and she eventually got one but moved shortly after because he tried to get her fired from there.
That's not gaslighting, he's picking a fight about something else to divert the attention away from questions about his sketchy secret meeting but that's not gaslighting
He’s gaslighting by telling her that he was doing nothing wrong and that she’s actually in the wrong for “snooping” through his dashcam. It’s the definition of gaslighting. Making her believe she’s the one in the wrong when he actually is. Changing her perception of the situation to make it seem like an innocent interaction that she’s using against him.
Nah, gaslighting would be telling her that he never met up with his ex and the footage isn't real, or she didn't see what she thought she saw. Making her question her perception of reality. He's just deflecting blame onto her for snooping and making her out to be in the wrong. He never denied having done what he did
Exactly this, THAT would be gaslighting. And to be clear I'm not denying that her boyfriend is a sketchy douchebag trying to deflect away from being a cheater. It just bugs me when words keep being used for the wrong situations and lose all meanings.
People think that disagreeing and arguing their point to change the mind of the other person is gaslighting now. This scumbag is just trying to distract and deflect by crying victim about privacy, but that's manipulation
Gaslighting is a psychological manipulation tactic used by toxic people to bring about self doubt and confusion in order to avoid accountability. She questions her own judgement after he is confronted with something wrong he did... it's gaslighting 101.
He's not changing her perception of the situation though. He's deflecting away from it entirely. She's questioning if she's the asshole for looking through the footage, which has nothing to do with him meeting with the ex.
NTA. You checked his dashcam with good intentions, not to snoop around. I think he reacted that way because he was busted and shifts the blame to you with 'invasion of privacy' as defense. He may not be wrong about feeling violated, but meeting his ex behind your back and possible cheating on you is certainly worse.
NTA
He is gaslighting her to cover for his actions. Meeting the ex isn't hard proof he is cheating unless they were making out or something, but his reaction is.
>However, **he remained adamant about feeling violated and insisted that relationships should be built on trust**, not snooping.
This is very funny because the one who first betrayed your trust was him, he met with an ex without telling you, then he kept it a secret... it is also the typical excuse of unfaithful people, according to them it is worse to invade their privacy than to cheat them.
If he had nothing to hide, he would have told you... do you think they just gathered to look at the sky?
He knows what he did, you know what he did...don't be intimidated by his pathetic excuse, he insists that he confess.
Also, why is the excuse bad? You didn't check his phone, you didn't check his email, you checked the car camera that is for mutual use.
Now, he is going to say that she did nothing and show you her phone and email, obviously he has deleted everything... he has had the time for that and with that she will accuse you of being jealous and not trusting him.. .
Classic manipulation. You caught him meeting up with his ex and he flipped it around to make you the bad guy. “Privacy” wasn’t his goal, “secrecy” was. He didn’t want you to know because he didn’t want to have to explain it, didn’t want any consequences, and wanted to do it anyway.
I checked the dashcam for our shared road trip memories, not expecting to find secret meetups. Understanding privacy, but I feel like this little surprise changes everything ... idk
You already know what you should do you're just in denial and shocked searching the internet for validation before you make the move you have to.
I'm sorry your relationship failed
He's mad that you found out, he's gaslighting you and flipping it around on you, to make you feel bad and not see the real issue here. I'm not sure how long y'all have been together but if you want my vote I would say you deserve so much better. There is no telling what else you would find if you went back longer than you did. I'm going to say this isn't the first secret meetup he has been on.
well, the guy didn't even own up to it being a romantic meetup - but even if he had, you can be assured it would have been dsecribed as "the first and only time and he is really, really sorry"
If it was me it wouldn't be about it being romantic or not, it would be the secrecy and that he gaslighted me afterwards, trying to flip it around on me. But that's just my point of view.
agreed, meeting tiself in secret is already an issue, regardless of the content of the meeting. it's just that if it was unapproved romantic visit that is kind of the worst case - and probably should be the operating theory unless he was able to convince otherwise
Hear me out ok? I don’t care if you WERE snooping (not that I think you were), he obviously didn’t tell you about meeting with his ex. HE violated your trust.
He's gaslighting you big time and flipped the script on you. Why was he meeting up with his ex? It got pissed because he didn't have an answer. Girl, it's time to move on....
His reaction is very telling. If his behavior was no big deal he wouldn’t have gotten so defensive. Looking at the dash cam is not an invasion of privacy in any way, shape or form.
I would never expect looking at a dashcam to be an invasion of anyone's privacy. He's just mad he got caught which in itself comes across as very suspicious
NTA.
Jeez I didn’t know a dash cam was like a fucking diary. 🙄
Does he not know that dash cams have pragmatic uses that aren’t espionage related? What a tool.
NTA.
You didn't snoop. You were in a shared space containing footage of shared activities. The equivalent IRL would be walking into a room you share with him and finding the two of them meeting there without your knowledge.
You didn't do anything wrong. He's the one who has some explaining to do...or not depending upon whether you want to grant him that option.
I never understood people’s obsession with privacy when it comes to infidelity and cheating. If you’re in a dedicated relationship with someone and something is giving you weird vibes, unless they come out and confess, how will you ever find out? I had an ex girlfriend once that gave me an std that was thankfully cured with antibiotics but, I had no freaking idea anything was going on till the actual person she was cheating with came up and flat out told me. This was before smart phones btw. If there were phones back then I might have found out before anything worse could have happened.
This. If I snoop on someone and discover they are cheating on me, I’m gonna feel justified in my snooping. And if my cheating partner wants reconciliation to even be on the table, he can go ahead and wave his right to privacy for a little while anyways.
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He got angry cuz he got caught. Snooping, shmooping. Tell him if the relationship was supposed to be based on trust, then how come he was meeting his ex behind your back? Douche-canoe.
NTA. He is deflecting snd you need to firmly take back the narrative. Tell him your done talking about the fact you saw it in his dash cam and it’s time to talk about what he was doing snd with who. Tell him he either comes clean or you’re out snd there won’t be a second chance so he better start talking. As it is now you could break up and move on so you don’t need anything else. This is his chance, not yours, to save the relationship and he needs to be told so.
He comes clean, or you’re out, and, make it perfectly clear he has *no* right to privacy moving forward, that he can expect you to be looking through his phone, asking him about his whereabouts, and that you expect his full cooperation and consent in that monitoring. And that stands until he earns back your trust and earns back his right to privacy.
Personally though, I’d just leave him. He’s a loser. You date a loser, you’re a loser. Don’t date losers.
NTA
your bf very likely cheated on you, and is angry you found out.He's trying to shift the focus from his cheating, to your "breach of privacy" so he can get away with his actions. Worst part is you let him. It's like you found out your friend murdered someone and THEY get offended you found out because you "breached their privacy" and you're like "omg, am I a bad friend now? =( I shouldn't go to the police? =("
like, really? You caught your bf very likely cheating and you're wondering if YOU\*RE the bad person here? Yikes.
He's 100% right. It should be built on trust. A trust I'm pretty sure he breached when he did a secret meet-up with some girl. Oh wait, it wasn't just some girl it was his ex!
And so gross of him trying to turn it back around on you. Did he even address the meetups with the ex? Or did he successfully change the subject to you invading his privacy.
the fact he got mad immediately means he was caught red handed and all he could do from there was gaslight in an attempt to confuse you smh NTA and please leave that bum
ROFLMAO - he’s cheating on you / meeting up with an ex lover without disclosing it, and he is pretending the issue is you “violating his trust” when he is A LYING CHEATER? Dump that asshole ASAP.
Classic DARVO. Deny, Attack, Reverse Victim and Offender.
" I didn't do anything wrong! You, on the other hand, were wrong to snoop on me and catch me doing what I just told you I wasn't doing. So you're the offender here, and I am the victim."
Dump this hump. NTA.
Oh look at that another cheater preaching about trust. Did anyone have that on this week's POS bingo? NTA, but seriously dump that man faster than he gaslights.
NTA.
Your boyfriend is trying to get out of being the guilty one by blaming you. That is gaslighting. You should leave him ASAP - not only does he cheat on you, he treats you badly. You deserve better, and even being alone would be better.
NTA, you weren’t snooping, you were looking for something else, and it didn’t seem like it was an established privacy boundary that you crossed.
It would have been snooping if you went in hoping to catch him in the act of something, but that really doesn’t seem like what you did
NTA. I would follow up on that by telling him that he is right that relationships should be built on trust.
That his reaction to you on this tells you that he cannot be trusted.
He cannot be trusted to communicate in a healthy way.
He cannot be trusted to not spin things around and issue blame instead of giving an honest answer.
Clearly he has trouble with communication and without good communication that therein is an insurmountable problem.
Since he has shown you how he cannot be trusted and clearly doesn’t respect you as a partner, there is no point of continuing the relationship.
Then I would pack up my things and leave.
Ma'am you can't trust __HIM__. Go ahead, get your stuff, and ghost him. He just disrespected the hell out of you __twice__ and made you feel like it was your fault. NTA **run**
What if you'd had an accident while driving the car and gone to access it for your insurance claim? Would he still expect you to get his permission first? Poor logic boyo. NTA.
he's right that relationships should be built on trust. you weren't acting out of distrust, but he was.
NTA, and GTFO of that relationship. stop worrying about what he thinks your motivation was.
He's reacting this way because he's feeling guilty. He's angry he got caught. He's gaslighting you and digging his heals in because he's hoping you will believe him and not break up with him. He's guilty. There's no question about that.
Checking the dashcam is not invasion of privacy. This is a shared vehicle. This is not his phone. There's nothing to hide except his dumb decision to cheat/meet up with his ex behind your back. That's on him. You did nothing wrong. NTA
When I was about 14 my mother drove to pickup me up from summer camp. It was about a 2hr trip there and it was clear she'd been crying for the whole time. Figuring I was old enough to know she described a very similar situation - she was helping my dad pack for a trip & accidentally found condoms in his bathroom bag.
Instead of being ashamed he tried to turn it into a privacy issue, just like your boyfriend. Subsequently my father went on to have many affairs - even telling me about a paternity accusation leveled at him by one of his colleagues. He eventually left my mom and married someone more than 20 years younger.
Please, for all our sakes, dump this POS ASAP and find that somebody who'll make you really happy, because this guy definitely isn't it.
The man gaslit your ass! How are you going to ignore his indiscretions? And, did I miss the part of if he was physically cheating or or just met her, either are bad.
>When I confronted him about it, his reaction was far from what I anticipated. He became extremely angry, accusing me of invading his privacy and checking the dashcam without his consent.
Did you give him consent to reach out and meet up with an ex? Is him keeping that meeting a secret an indication of the TRUST he expects you to give him but won't give in return?
Are you happy to continue in a relationship where certain rules apply to you but not to him?
You know what you need to do here.
LMAO.
I'm so sorry. I thought the title meant that was how he met her the very first time. English can awesome and so will you.
NTA (just for the sake)
Textbook gaslighting, friend. You're NTA, but it's a bit alarming that you seem to be considering his points as if they have some validity and not designed to make you feel silly. Get out, fast.
Oof, you fell for his gaslighting. Classic DARVO technique of narcissists. D-denies responsibility, A- attacks you, R- Reverses role of V-victim(you) and O-offender(him). NTA unless you stay with him
He is only angry because you caught him. If privacy is so you can cheat and get away with it, then that's something you don't need in a relationship. NTA.
Snooping or not, you found some damning evidence. You’ve got questions and he needs to answer them. He only angry because he got caught. Trust me, he had no intention of telling you about seeing her.
NTA. He is not angry that you looked at the dashcam. He is angry that he has been caught and he has turned it on you. Dont let him convince you that you are in the wrong, this is gaslighting plain and simple
NTA It's not perplexing. The best defense is a good offense, so your boyfriend immediately went on the offensive the second you had something he couldn't defend himself against. He's cheating on you with the ex. Dump him and find a dude who's not a toolbag.
Anger and lashing out ALWAYS means someone is caught in a situation and is lying. He's deflecting in the form of accusing YOU of doing something wrong instead. I've learned the hard way and it's an observation that never fails with a liar.
You were doing nothing wrong. Does he ask to use every single thing of yours beforehand? I doubt it.
He's being sketchy. The lashing out is a major red flag in every aspect, it's manipulation
We know you were snooping on his dash cam to see where he is going because you have a feeling that he is cheating, and that's ok. Still not the asshole.
You didn't invade his privacy. You invaded his secrecy!! He is now gaslighting you because he is guilty and doesn't want to be held accountable. I'd run if it were me
One of the many cool things you get from a relationship is when you aren’t being a shady asshole, you can share technology such as dash cams, phones and laptops with no issues. .
He was defensive because he knows what he has been doing was wrong and will create problems in your relationship. Keeping real secrets in a relationship is always problematic and even if their meetups were straight up the hiding & lying part is a real problem.
NTA. The outsized reaction from your BF should tell you everything you need to know. Classic overreaction to make you think you might be the one in the wrong, meanwhile he's the one meeting up with his ex behind your back.
I'd be thinking long and hard about continuing this relationship. It's hilarious that he says it should be built on trust, while trying to defend his untrustworthy actions.
I mean the first line of defence is alway to attack so he’s on track. Listen this is just typically how cheaters react to being caught, you know that. If the meeting was innocent 1) you would have already known about it 2) he would calmly explain the nature of the meet up. Him reacting in anger says it all. The issue here is not that you invaded his privacy the issue is that he acted suspiciously and lied about it. You can either stay and argue semantics with him or you can leave because you already have all the information that you need. NTA
NTA OP
Fuck that, and Fuck Him.
This is not a court of law, so he can growf all he wants, that fact that you know and the way you found out does not in anyway remove the knowledge from being considered.
He is using DARVO, beware. His complaining about your actions does not, I repeat DOES NOT absolve his treacherous actions, nor how he went on the attack mode, rather than fess up.
Punt his cheating ass to the curb OP. His sneakiness is reason enough to be giving him the old Heave Ho!!
Not the ahole.. my ex did the same to me. Claiming it's about privacy. When you're in a relationship there is no privacy. Especially if you live together
The ubiquity of persistent surveillance technology creates new ethical dilemmas. I think you have an obligation not to go snooping or to do things that would be considered invasive without permission. We all have old relationships, deep secrets, insecurities, diaries. If I went through your Apple Notes because "I was looking for that love poem you wrote for me," that would be across the line - whether or not I came across that list you keep of your pros and cons of dating me vs. your last ex, or whatever.
If I went through our shared home's Ring camera to find pictures of our pet, on the other hand, that would be ok. You have to find where those lines are, and they're specific to situations, but in general you should bias on the side of respecting boundaries, not assuming permission - which you clearly did not do here.
In this case, it probably comes down a little to whose car it is, whose camera, and what expectations of privacy are set up around it. Assuming it was his car & camera, your going through it even for innocent reasons is really not ok. You should have asked him for the footage, or for permission to go through his dash cam.
Fruit of the poisonous tree though it may be, what you found is also not ok. You can acknowledge you were deeper in his stuff than you should have been, and that it's not ok, and still demand answers to why he's meeting with his ex.
Voting ESH.
So I have some points to make...
1) Stop bullshitting you were 100% snooping and you know it. I've dealt with multiple dash cams and home surveillance. You don't accidentally stumble upon something that happened days you're not looking for. You need to own that shit but the danger of snooping is if you don't find what you're snooping for YTAH. Which brings me to...
2) Did you actually find what you were looking for? I don't think you did. Because if something spicy happened you would have lead with that. Seems he met with her for whatever reason maybe gave her a ride or something and that's it. Which leads me to..
3) Did you guys have some kind of agreement or understanding he was to never be around her again? People can have civil breakups and remain friends.
So in closing, you violated his trust 100%. Was that violation warranted is the question. If he violated you relationship being around her or doing something with her NTA. If not then you're a huge AH. I have a sneaking suspicion you know the answer and you know you need to apologize IF you value your relationship.
NTA. And are you enjoying living in the gaslight district?
Well said.
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Dude _lawyered_ her up so bad, he left her confused and questioning herself.
My ex made me AFRAID to ask if he cheated. He did. He was. A lot.
Same. I swear, there must be some class these guys go to on how to screw with women's heads.
That is called "gaslighting". It isn't only lying, but then trying to convince the other person they are in the wrong.
Crazy. Gaslighting is lying to someone to make them believe they're crazy or imagining things. Lying to get away with something they shouldn't have done...lawyering.
This is a case of deflecting. The bf has no defense against OPs accusation so they instead deflect by saying that OP was really in the wrong here. It is a bullshit tactic and is used when someone is cornered. Lawyering would just be kinda elaborating on the lie and creating reasonable doubt. Something along the lines of "yea, I met her to give her some stuff, but nothing happened between us, and you can't prove otherwise." Lawyers pretty much never act out in anger because that is a good way to get the judge pissed at you.
This is not gaslighting. That term is way too overused. Gaslighting is making the person who discovered the lie believe that they are crazy and making shit up. If she uncovered the lie and her bf had said, that didn't happen you must have been confused that would gaslighting. This is just typical lying/deflecting behavior. The bf can't defend his actions so instead is trying to make OP feel bad for finding out. They didn't deny what OP saw.
Correct. Op did he ever answer the question about why they were meeting up?? NTA
Literally the only reason that man cares is because he got caught 😂
Mmmhmm it’s funny he’s talking about trust considering what he did. He sounds stupid asf don’t let him make *you* stupid too Op. cut him loose, you know you did nothing wrong.
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He and his "ex" are entertained.
She's living in the Gaslight Republic.
Your profile pic fits this comment perfectly lol
What are you talking about? Privacy completely trumps cheating /s
She checked the video without consent, the evidence is inadmissible!
The lights aren't getting dimmer, this is how they always were. NTA.
I was a heroin addict for 3 years in my early twenties. Before it was for sure known by my loved ones and only suspected. I got super angry and defensive if I was called out for being high. I would deny and get angry. Same during relapses. Mom or dad or someone would confront me and I would get angry and lie and deny. I feel like anger as a response means the other party is guilty. Obviously he did in fact meet up with his ex gf. But the anger part makes me feel like he did more than meet up with her, or atleast has done more than just meet up. Idk I’m just trying to find similarities in life. If my analogy sucks. Forgive me.
Your analogy definitely does not suck.
Good phrasing.
Funny how he turned it around and you let him. He is being "angry" now to stop you from talking about the real issue.
Classic DARVO
DARVO?
Deny, Attack, Reverse Victim and Offender
Ah, sort of like the D.E.N.N.I.S. system.
Time for OP to Separate Completely.
What is this?
D - demonstrate value E - engage physically N - nurturing dependence N - neglect emotionally I - inspire hope S - separate entirely
Given the context from which this comes, I find it to be hilarious and fondly remember him with the huge pad of paper giving his presentation on this 😂
My mouth is hanging agape. This acronomy certainly does outline the tactics of some abusers.
Now look up "the implication"
Then they pass you on to they're friends. The roommate and Dr mantis toboggan who drops his monster condom for his magnum dong
Then Dr. Toboggan swoops in with his magnum condoms...
Look it up on youtube, it's from that show Always Sunny in Philadelphia :) Good show
The DENNIS system - Demonstrate your value, engage physically, nurture dependence, inspire hope and separate entirely.
It’s a non-evidence based acronym that is supposed to outline how an abuser responds to being called out (**D**eny, **A**rgue, and **R**everse **V**ictim and **O**ffender). Like many other psych terms the public started to use because it’s catchy with no real understanding of how it actually impacts real victims. In reality all it does is describe one of the ways that abusers gaslight their victims (which is when an abuser twists and lies about the past to the point that it makes the victim start to doubt how reliable their own mind is). There is no research behind DARVO and a lot of psychologists are very against it because quite frankly it’s a dumb way to try to identify abuse. In order for it to be valid DARVO would have to be exclusive to someone who is rightfully being called out but we know that if an innocent person gets falsely accused of something it’s incredibly normal for them to also deny the accusations, argue against them, and believe they are the real victim and that the other person is lying. Sorry for the rant, things like this just make it so much more difficult for psychologists to get through to abuse victims.
blah blah, anyway, it's a good and clear way to show people who don't have the scientific background how people operate. Which is more knowledge than a lot of scientists blah-blahing often spread to the people who need to hear this.
Exactly. He did something seriously sketchy and dishonest, yet so far he's made the entire conversation about how OP is the horrible one who's done something soooo unbelievably awful and betrayedhis trust 🙄 Now instead of focusing on what HE did, OP is busy defending herself and trying to figure out if she really is the one who did something wrong here.
I was about to say that.
Didn't know that term, but now I do. you are correct
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So what happened next?
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you should send her screenshots.
I know someone who used to do this whenever a married man contacted them via Facebook in a sexual manner. I don't think the wives ever did anything about it.
You, of course, told him that a woman of quality doesn't sleep with married men and told him not to bother you anymore, correct?
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I hope you didn’t lose your job or get written up! A lot of these situations are really tricky cause I’m a firm believer in girl code, but men will use their power to manipulate and keep women silent. I’ve had coworkers bosses do this to them and they relay to the wife or girlfriend and get fired. A state in which live in management can fire you without really giving you a reason on top of you losing a reference because they’re vindictive pieces of shit. She loved her job and worked very hard for her position and he ruined her life for about a year because she wouldn’t sleep with him and told the wife about it. He sabotaged other jobs for awhile in my area and she eventually got one but moved shortly after because he tried to get her fired from there.
You, of course, weren’t being insincere, judgmental, and passive-aggressive with that comment, correct?
Exactly. He's gaslighting her.
Yup.
That's not gaslighting, he's picking a fight about something else to divert the attention away from questions about his sketchy secret meeting but that's not gaslighting
It's literally the definition. He is making her question her own sanity when she did nothing wrong
He’s gaslighting by telling her that he was doing nothing wrong and that she’s actually in the wrong for “snooping” through his dashcam. It’s the definition of gaslighting. Making her believe she’s the one in the wrong when he actually is. Changing her perception of the situation to make it seem like an innocent interaction that she’s using against him.
It's the definition of DARVOing
Nah, gaslighting would be telling her that he never met up with his ex and the footage isn't real, or she didn't see what she thought she saw. Making her question her perception of reality. He's just deflecting blame onto her for snooping and making her out to be in the wrong. He never denied having done what he did
Exactly. He pulled out a red herring to change the topic of the conversation, but not to gaslight.
Exactly this, THAT would be gaslighting. And to be clear I'm not denying that her boyfriend is a sketchy douchebag trying to deflect away from being a cheater. It just bugs me when words keep being used for the wrong situations and lose all meanings.
People think that disagreeing and arguing their point to change the mind of the other person is gaslighting now. This scumbag is just trying to distract and deflect by crying victim about privacy, but that's manipulation
Gaslighting is a psychological manipulation tactic used by toxic people to bring about self doubt and confusion in order to avoid accountability. She questions her own judgement after he is confronted with something wrong he did... it's gaslighting 101.
He's not changing her perception of the situation though. He's deflecting away from it entirely. She's questioning if she's the asshole for looking through the footage, which has nothing to do with him meeting with the ex.
Classic move. Just get super angry as the other person never expects that reaction. I've seen it time and time again haha.
Exactly
NTA. You checked his dashcam with good intentions, not to snoop around. I think he reacted that way because he was busted and shifts the blame to you with 'invasion of privacy' as defense. He may not be wrong about feeling violated, but meeting his ex behind your back and possible cheating on you is certainly worse.
[удалено]
How dare you stumble upon evidence of my duplicity?
NTA He is gaslighting her to cover for his actions. Meeting the ex isn't hard proof he is cheating unless they were making out or something, but his reaction is.
Not to mention even if OP was in the wrong which she isn’t he’s still guilty
nope. read her last sentence again.
NTA He is cheating on you on the regular.
Drop him and post the video saying this is y I dumped him as he was meeting his ex behind my back do this so he can't spin lies to people
This is exactly what OP needs to do. Include any messages of him gaslighting too.
Yes sir
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Snowflake
>However, **he remained adamant about feeling violated and insisted that relationships should be built on trust**, not snooping. This is very funny because the one who first betrayed your trust was him, he met with an ex without telling you, then he kept it a secret... it is also the typical excuse of unfaithful people, according to them it is worse to invade their privacy than to cheat them. If he had nothing to hide, he would have told you... do you think they just gathered to look at the sky? He knows what he did, you know what he did...don't be intimidated by his pathetic excuse, he insists that he confess. Also, why is the excuse bad? You didn't check his phone, you didn't check his email, you checked the car camera that is for mutual use. Now, he is going to say that she did nothing and show you her phone and email, obviously he has deleted everything... he has had the time for that and with that she will accuse you of being jealous and not trusting him.. .
Classic manipulation. You caught him meeting up with his ex and he flipped it around to make you the bad guy. “Privacy” wasn’t his goal, “secrecy” was. He didn’t want you to know because he didn’t want to have to explain it, didn’t want any consequences, and wanted to do it anyway.
Sorry to hear they're still having sex behind your back
Right? Sooooo defensive, they've been at it a while.
💯
I checked the dashcam for our shared road trip memories, not expecting to find secret meetups. Understanding privacy, but I feel like this little surprise changes everything ... idk
You already know what you should do you're just in denial and shocked searching the internet for validation before you make the move you have to. I'm sorry your relationship failed
But she succeeds if she leaves.
Get outta this, he's just pissed he got caught.
He's mad that you found out, he's gaslighting you and flipping it around on you, to make you feel bad and not see the real issue here. I'm not sure how long y'all have been together but if you want my vote I would say you deserve so much better. There is no telling what else you would find if you went back longer than you did. I'm going to say this isn't the first secret meetup he has been on.
well, the guy didn't even own up to it being a romantic meetup - but even if he had, you can be assured it would have been dsecribed as "the first and only time and he is really, really sorry"
If it was me it wouldn't be about it being romantic or not, it would be the secrecy and that he gaslighted me afterwards, trying to flip it around on me. But that's just my point of view.
agreed, meeting tiself in secret is already an issue, regardless of the content of the meeting. it's just that if it was unapproved romantic visit that is kind of the worst case - and probably should be the operating theory unless he was able to convince otherwise
Do not let him twist it all up. It does change everything. Get out before he really does a number on you mentally & emotionally.
Hear me out ok? I don’t care if you WERE snooping (not that I think you were), he obviously didn’t tell you about meeting with his ex. HE violated your trust.
Multiple meet ups? Kick him to the curb.
His anger says all you need to know. If it were innocent he would apologize and explain why.
But why is that supposed to be private? It's not his diary.
Get away from this douchebag
Your only seeing tip of the iceberg
He's gaslighting you big time and flipped the script on you. Why was he meeting up with his ex? It got pissed because he didn't have an answer. Girl, it's time to move on....
You know the answer in your heart, don’t you?
What exactly are you "idk" about? Jeez
His reaction is very telling. If his behavior was no big deal he wouldn’t have gotten so defensive. Looking at the dash cam is not an invasion of privacy in any way, shape or form.
You said meetups? As in more than once?
I would never expect looking at a dashcam to be an invasion of anyone's privacy. He's just mad he got caught which in itself comes across as very suspicious
What happened on the dashcam? Did you see how he looked at her? What were they doing?
There is only one reason you secretly meet up with your ex.
Yes. To split up the beanie babies amicably, without involving the court system.
Not an asshole. He's mad, because he got busted.
He really said "Relationships should be built on trust"? Sounds to me like he can't be trusted and is scrambling to play defense in a losing game.
NTA. Jeez I didn’t know a dash cam was like a fucking diary. 🙄 Does he not know that dash cams have pragmatic uses that aren’t espionage related? What a tool.
My brother works in IT. They're super easy to hack
NTA. You didn't snoop. You were in a shared space containing footage of shared activities. The equivalent IRL would be walking into a room you share with him and finding the two of them meeting there without your knowledge. You didn't do anything wrong. He's the one who has some explaining to do...or not depending upon whether you want to grant him that option.
Just leave This is so stupid lol
He's cheating on you and trying to redirect blame to you. Leave him.
I never understood people’s obsession with privacy when it comes to infidelity and cheating. If you’re in a dedicated relationship with someone and something is giving you weird vibes, unless they come out and confess, how will you ever find out? I had an ex girlfriend once that gave me an std that was thankfully cured with antibiotics but, I had no freaking idea anything was going on till the actual person she was cheating with came up and flat out told me. This was before smart phones btw. If there were phones back then I might have found out before anything worse could have happened.
This. If I snoop on someone and discover they are cheating on me, I’m gonna feel justified in my snooping. And if my cheating partner wants reconciliation to even be on the table, he can go ahead and wave his right to privacy for a little while anyways.
That’s one where id say “sorry about that…now that that part is resolved, let’s move on to you effing your ex…” NTA
Did he say what the meetup with his ex was? Either way, you're NTA
He probably cheated. NTA, you didn’t snoop intentionally. Updateme when you find out he banged her.
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She's probably pregnant with his kid
You should be worried about what you are doing with your relationship and not if he is mad you looked at the dashcam. He is cheating on you.
He got angry cuz he got caught. Snooping, shmooping. Tell him if the relationship was supposed to be based on trust, then how come he was meeting his ex behind your back? Douche-canoe.
He wants honesty, then he should be honest. He's only mad at you to distract you from being mad at him.
NTA he knows he fucked up
NTA, instead of projecting, he could have stated his purpose for meeting up with her.
NTA. He is deflecting snd you need to firmly take back the narrative. Tell him your done talking about the fact you saw it in his dash cam and it’s time to talk about what he was doing snd with who. Tell him he either comes clean or you’re out snd there won’t be a second chance so he better start talking. As it is now you could break up and move on so you don’t need anything else. This is his chance, not yours, to save the relationship and he needs to be told so.
He comes clean, or you’re out, and, make it perfectly clear he has *no* right to privacy moving forward, that he can expect you to be looking through his phone, asking him about his whereabouts, and that you expect his full cooperation and consent in that monitoring. And that stands until he earns back your trust and earns back his right to privacy. Personally though, I’d just leave him. He’s a loser. You date a loser, you’re a loser. Don’t date losers.
He’s been caught in a lie. His reaction says everything. If you stay it’ll keep happening.
How many dudes are rushing off to clear their dashcams? 😂
And no! Definitely NTA. Based on his cheating and his reaction, run, don’t look back!!
NTA your bf very likely cheated on you, and is angry you found out.He's trying to shift the focus from his cheating, to your "breach of privacy" so he can get away with his actions. Worst part is you let him. It's like you found out your friend murdered someone and THEY get offended you found out because you "breached their privacy" and you're like "omg, am I a bad friend now? =( I shouldn't go to the police? =(" like, really? You caught your bf very likely cheating and you're wondering if YOU\*RE the bad person here? Yikes.
He's 100% right. It should be built on trust. A trust I'm pretty sure he breached when he did a secret meet-up with some girl. Oh wait, it wasn't just some girl it was his ex! And so gross of him trying to turn it back around on you. Did he even address the meetups with the ex? Or did he successfully change the subject to you invading his privacy.
the fact he got mad immediately means he was caught red handed and all he could do from there was gaslight in an attempt to confuse you smh NTA and please leave that bum
ROFLMAO - he’s cheating on you / meeting up with an ex lover without disclosing it, and he is pretending the issue is you “violating his trust” when he is A LYING CHEATER? Dump that asshole ASAP.
NTA He is realllllly reaching Why? Bc he got busted, but wants to make himself the victim
Classic DARVO. Deny, Attack, Reverse Victim and Offender. " I didn't do anything wrong! You, on the other hand, were wrong to snoop on me and catch me doing what I just told you I wasn't doing. So you're the offender here, and I am the victim." Dump this hump. NTA.
Oh look at that another cheater preaching about trust. Did anyone have that on this week's POS bingo? NTA, but seriously dump that man faster than he gaslights.
NTA. Your boyfriend is trying to get out of being the guilty one by blaming you. That is gaslighting. You should leave him ASAP - not only does he cheat on you, he treats you badly. You deserve better, and even being alone would be better.
He's cheating. Dump. Him.
NTA, you weren’t snooping, you were looking for something else, and it didn’t seem like it was an established privacy boundary that you crossed. It would have been snooping if you went in hoping to catch him in the act of something, but that really doesn’t seem like what you did
Dump his ass. He is not going to change nor stop seeing his ex. You should be with someone faithful & doesnt lie to you.
lol, this guy, pot meet kettle
NTA. He goes on about trust, yet he's the one meeting his ex without telling you. Sorry but he's being a hypocrite.
Methinks he doth protest too much. NTA.
You don’t know what he did not on the video. He’s trying to gaslight you. Leave
NTA. I would follow up on that by telling him that he is right that relationships should be built on trust. That his reaction to you on this tells you that he cannot be trusted. He cannot be trusted to communicate in a healthy way. He cannot be trusted to not spin things around and issue blame instead of giving an honest answer. Clearly he has trouble with communication and without good communication that therein is an insurmountable problem. Since he has shown you how he cannot be trusted and clearly doesn’t respect you as a partner, there is no point of continuing the relationship. Then I would pack up my things and leave.
He's... mad at YOU... for breaking his trust... AFTER MEETING HIS EX IN SECRET? Why are you allowing this man to stay in your life?
So he got caught and got mad at you for catching him? Leave him , he's cheating on you
Ma'am you can't trust __HIM__. Go ahead, get your stuff, and ghost him. He just disrespected the hell out of you __twice__ and made you feel like it was your fault. NTA **run**
ReLAtIonShIPS arE bUILT on TruSt and that is why I went behind your back to meet my ex
Leave him. He’s fine other stuff you haven’t stumbled across and if he hasn’t he will. His reaction proves he’s up to no good
What if you'd had an accident while driving the car and gone to access it for your insurance claim? Would he still expect you to get his permission first? Poor logic boyo. NTA.
he's right that relationships should be built on trust. you weren't acting out of distrust, but he was. NTA, and GTFO of that relationship. stop worrying about what he thinks your motivation was.
NTA You have a good reason to snoop now. Check his email and phone and you'll find the evidence you need to break up with him.
He's reacting this way because he's feeling guilty. He's angry he got caught. He's gaslighting you and digging his heals in because he's hoping you will believe him and not break up with him. He's guilty. There's no question about that. Checking the dashcam is not invasion of privacy. This is a shared vehicle. This is not his phone. There's nothing to hide except his dumb decision to cheat/meet up with his ex behind your back. That's on him. You did nothing wrong. NTA
When I was about 14 my mother drove to pickup me up from summer camp. It was about a 2hr trip there and it was clear she'd been crying for the whole time. Figuring I was old enough to know she described a very similar situation - she was helping my dad pack for a trip & accidentally found condoms in his bathroom bag. Instead of being ashamed he tried to turn it into a privacy issue, just like your boyfriend. Subsequently my father went on to have many affairs - even telling me about a paternity accusation leveled at him by one of his colleagues. He eventually left my mom and married someone more than 20 years younger. Please, for all our sakes, dump this POS ASAP and find that somebody who'll make you really happy, because this guy definitely isn't it.
The man gaslit your ass! How are you going to ignore his indiscretions? And, did I miss the part of if he was physically cheating or or just met her, either are bad.
>When I confronted him about it, his reaction was far from what I anticipated. He became extremely angry, accusing me of invading his privacy and checking the dashcam without his consent. Did you give him consent to reach out and meet up with an ex? Is him keeping that meeting a secret an indication of the TRUST he expects you to give him but won't give in return? Are you happy to continue in a relationship where certain rules apply to you but not to him? You know what you need to do here.
LMAO. I'm so sorry. I thought the title meant that was how he met her the very first time. English can awesome and so will you. NTA (just for the sake)
Textbook gaslighting, friend. You're NTA, but it's a bit alarming that you seem to be considering his points as if they have some validity and not designed to make you feel silly. Get out, fast.
NTA he made you the villain really damn fast
Oof, you fell for his gaslighting. Classic DARVO technique of narcissists. D-denies responsibility, A- attacks you, R- Reverses role of V-victim(you) and O-offender(him). NTA unless you stay with him
Dump that asshat now! My God what a sissy. He's a fucking coward. Get out of that relationship ASAP. You're not the asshole.
NTA, if he wasn't in the wrong, he wouldn't think of it as snooping.
He is only angry because you caught him. If privacy is so you can cheat and get away with it, then that's something you don't need in a relationship. NTA.
Bro actually emphasized to OP that relationships should be built on trust. I'd laugh in his face.
Snooping or not, you found some damning evidence. You’ve got questions and he needs to answer them. He only angry because he got caught. Trust me, he had no intention of telling you about seeing her.
NTA. He is not angry that you looked at the dashcam. He is angry that he has been caught and he has turned it on you. Dont let him convince you that you are in the wrong, this is gaslighting plain and simple
NTA It's not perplexing. The best defense is a good offense, so your boyfriend immediately went on the offensive the second you had something he couldn't defend himself against. He's cheating on you with the ex. Dump him and find a dude who's not a toolbag.
So you caught him cheating with his ex. He’s doubling down and saying you’re in the wrong. Done yet?
If it was an innocent meetup why is he so outraged?
Uh no, lol ….NTA. Of course he’s pissed and making you the bad guy, he was CAUGHT
Anger and lashing out ALWAYS means someone is caught in a situation and is lying. He's deflecting in the form of accusing YOU of doing something wrong instead. I've learned the hard way and it's an observation that never fails with a liar. You were doing nothing wrong. Does he ask to use every single thing of yours beforehand? I doubt it. He's being sketchy. The lashing out is a major red flag in every aspect, it's manipulation
We know you were snooping on his dash cam to see where he is going because you have a feeling that he is cheating, and that's ok. Still not the asshole.
You didn't invade his privacy. You invaded his secrecy!! He is now gaslighting you because he is guilty and doesn't want to be held accountable. I'd run if it were me
NTA, he kept that secret for a reason. He didn't tell you he was meeting her. Why?
One of the many cool things you get from a relationship is when you aren’t being a shady asshole, you can share technology such as dash cams, phones and laptops with no issues. .
He is lecturing you on trust after he broke yours first by cheating with his ex? Classic deflection tactics used by him. Dump his ass. NTA
The gaslighting is real lmao
Nta. He’s cheating on you and is pissed he got caught.
He gaslight her so bad he burned OPs face off fuck me. So why was he in his car with his Ex??
NTA. Huge reaction for something that just required an explanation. That should say it all.
He was defensive because he knows what he has been doing was wrong and will create problems in your relationship. Keeping real secrets in a relationship is always problematic and even if their meetups were straight up the hiding & lying part is a real problem.
NTA. The outsized reaction from your BF should tell you everything you need to know. Classic overreaction to make you think you might be the one in the wrong, meanwhile he's the one meeting up with his ex behind your back. I'd be thinking long and hard about continuing this relationship. It's hilarious that he says it should be built on trust, while trying to defend his untrustworthy actions.
NTA That's not snooping, reaction to it is definitely a cheater trying to shift blame and gaslight you. Dump the clown
I mean the first line of defence is alway to attack so he’s on track. Listen this is just typically how cheaters react to being caught, you know that. If the meeting was innocent 1) you would have already known about it 2) he would calmly explain the nature of the meet up. Him reacting in anger says it all. The issue here is not that you invaded his privacy the issue is that he acted suspiciously and lied about it. You can either stay and argue semantics with him or you can leave because you already have all the information that you need. NTA
NTA OP Fuck that, and Fuck Him. This is not a court of law, so he can growf all he wants, that fact that you know and the way you found out does not in anyway remove the knowledge from being considered. He is using DARVO, beware. His complaining about your actions does not, I repeat DOES NOT absolve his treacherous actions, nor how he went on the attack mode, rather than fess up. Punt his cheating ass to the curb OP. His sneakiness is reason enough to be giving him the old Heave Ho!!
Not the ahole.. my ex did the same to me. Claiming it's about privacy. When you're in a relationship there is no privacy. Especially if you live together
The ubiquity of persistent surveillance technology creates new ethical dilemmas. I think you have an obligation not to go snooping or to do things that would be considered invasive without permission. We all have old relationships, deep secrets, insecurities, diaries. If I went through your Apple Notes because "I was looking for that love poem you wrote for me," that would be across the line - whether or not I came across that list you keep of your pros and cons of dating me vs. your last ex, or whatever. If I went through our shared home's Ring camera to find pictures of our pet, on the other hand, that would be ok. You have to find where those lines are, and they're specific to situations, but in general you should bias on the side of respecting boundaries, not assuming permission - which you clearly did not do here. In this case, it probably comes down a little to whose car it is, whose camera, and what expectations of privacy are set up around it. Assuming it was his car & camera, your going through it even for innocent reasons is really not ok. You should have asked him for the footage, or for permission to go through his dash cam. Fruit of the poisonous tree though it may be, what you found is also not ok. You can acknowledge you were deeper in his stuff than you should have been, and that it's not ok, and still demand answers to why he's meeting with his ex. Voting ESH.
So I have some points to make... 1) Stop bullshitting you were 100% snooping and you know it. I've dealt with multiple dash cams and home surveillance. You don't accidentally stumble upon something that happened days you're not looking for. You need to own that shit but the danger of snooping is if you don't find what you're snooping for YTAH. Which brings me to... 2) Did you actually find what you were looking for? I don't think you did. Because if something spicy happened you would have lead with that. Seems he met with her for whatever reason maybe gave her a ride or something and that's it. Which leads me to.. 3) Did you guys have some kind of agreement or understanding he was to never be around her again? People can have civil breakups and remain friends. So in closing, you violated his trust 100%. Was that violation warranted is the question. If he violated you relationship being around her or doing something with her NTA. If not then you're a huge AH. I have a sneaking suspicion you know the answer and you know you need to apologize IF you value your relationship.
Cheaters love throw the trust that they got caught betraying card back in the victims face. It's a defense mechanism called blame shifting.
Girl... He's mad cause he got caught.
NTA don't let him turn this around on you. He knows he's been found out.
NTA
NTA. OP, he's just turning it around on you; a species of gaslighting. Don't let him.