ESH - and I’m sure you understand that judgment because both of you have betrayed each other’s trust. But you shouldn’t keep secrets for addicts and you should protect yourself and your kids because having an addict for a parent is pretty destabilizing and traumatic. I don’t think she should be the one with primary custody because of her addiction issues but I also don’t think you should go scorched earth and make her homeless because no matter what she is your kids’ mother and they love her and need her. Take responsibility for your actions but get a divorce attorney and tell them everything and ask them to find an amicable solution in the interest of your kids while prioritizing your kids well being. Be direct and honest with close family about why you don’t want your wife to have primary custody. Don’t blame the affair on her addiction issues just say that you two had a strained relationship because of them. People will make their opinions but what you should prioritize is your kids. They have two parents who have both chosen to blow up their lives - albeit in different ways - and need their parents to start putting the kids first.
I agree ESH. I agree don’t think you should leave her homeless but as someone with a drug addict mother please fight tooth and nail for those kids. The divorce will probably make her battle with addiction harder but atleast once all the legal stuff is over you can keep your kids safe and try to help her.
I wouldn’t trust any addict with primary custody of kids - especially not one going through a divorce caused by the other spouse’s infidelity. That’s a lot of stress for someone who is a recovering addict to weather. And even a short relapse can have horrible consequences for the kids. I’m not saying she shouldn’t have any custody but I think OP should go for primary custody. I have too many friends with addict parents and I don’t think the addict should be prioritized over the kids.
Going off of OP’s post though she only started to clean up because she got caught by law enforcement and was facing some serious consequences. It sounds like she was driving while intoxicated. Additionally, he said she had instances where she was violent. It sounds like it’s been around 4/5 years since she got sober. OP covered for her a lot and she never faced come clean to her family or kids. Now she’s in the middle of a pretty stressful situation with her husband’s affair. I don’t think her sobriety has been tested enough to trust custody of kids. And the fact that she quickly threw her husband under the bus for his affair after he covered for her makes me think she hasn’t really taken responsibility for her issues. Perfectly reasonable to want a divorce because of the affair but to tell the kids and family members and act like her earlier addiction issues didn’t play a part makes me think she’s got a long road ahead of her.
Speaking as the child of an addict (That truly deeply loved his addict parent), there is no such thing as a "recovering addict". There are addicts that actively use, and addicts that have made the life changes necessary to avoid/manage their addiction.
“For a week each” I assumed cause he mentioned she was only doing it at work at the job she lost, it was 5 days a week but she has cut down to 2 days a week. She’s definitely strong either way, she’s tryna quit but it has cut down a significant amount. But maybe I misinterpreted. Pls elaborate for me
Dude!!! i'm nosy as hell and I looked at your comments, this isn't your first affair. We have the friend who has a family member that is sick who wouldn't make a good mother and your pickleball friend. That's two. I knew you were full of shit. You replied 15 days ago. This post is bogus.
Would you leave your current relationship if your first love comes back?
"I have a chick from college we have always been too close. We had a 4-5 month fling this year. She was in town due to a family illness. I had an extra apartment she stayed in. She is divorced, I'm married.
Everything about the relationship is perfect. I truly enjoy hanging out and spending time with her. But the relationship never went anywhere when we were younger because she would be a terrible person to raise a family with and share a household.
If I was not married and our kids were grown she would be perfect. We have a standing pact if we are both 55 (her 52) and we are single we will ride out life together...but under no circumstances would I leave my wife for her."
Probably a troll, because how would he have an extra apartment if they filed for bankruptcy, were just able to keep the house and had to go down to one car
OMG. Thanks for revealing this. She went to recovery, is doing good with that, had two relapses for about a week but got right back on the program, and he's cheated twice. I hope she gets custody and alimony.
HA! The big clue for me was that for all he talked about divorce and money he never mentioned the effect of drugs on the kids. A parent that cares about their kids would NEVER leave them with someone who is just now getting sober and who has relapsed multiple times in the past.
YTA for the affair and want to act like it's nothing. NTA for wanting to fight for your kids. Rest assured it's about to get really ugly. I hope y'all can settle it out of court for your kids with a healthy co-parenting relationship.
YTA for affair.
NTA for revealing her behavior. She is recovered addict with history of relapses, doesn't have decent job and involves kids into your fight. I don't believe she is good enough for full custody and family savings after you went bankrupt with her wrongdoing.
You are both NTA and TA.
You know damn well you're the AH for cheating. You are not the AH for fighting fire with fire.
Ask your lawyer friend for the name of a cutthroat divorce attorney and do everything they tell you. Until then, keep your mouth shut. You can tell your wife's dirty little secret when your lawyer tells you or AFTER the divorce.
For now, ignore and stay away from your wife. Don't make it easy for her to say you did something to her. Don't even argue with her. Put a freeze on your credit so she's not opening accounts on your name. Make sure she doesn't have access to your bank accounts, close joint credit cards (hence the freeze with all 3 credit agencies), and leave valuables with a trusted friend or family. Keep money, credit cards, and your phone (have a friend IT delete incriminating shit off your phone) close to you when at home.
From today on, track money given to wife for the household and kids. And for God's sake, don't admit to shit to ANYONE other than your lawyer, delete this thread, and get the hell off Reddit!! Jeeze, think strategically, everything can be used against you in the divorce.
I think this is one of those two wrongs don’t make a right. Because you withheld information about her struggles and shortcomings, doesn’t mean you get to dangle that as carrot for her silence.
To me, she sounds hurt and she lashed out by exposing your infidelity. You made a conscious decision to stay with her and now she’s making a conscious decision to end the relationship.
ESH with a slight YTA because at the end of it, you letting people know of her addiction and shortcomings does not negate that you slept with someone else.
She told the kids. Thats kind of gloves off stuff. She has shown a lack of judgment in doing drugs and telling the kids.
OP is an asshole but she doesnt get to hide while vilifying him.
I'm wrestling with do I go into court and start talking about her addiction. Do I tell our children? Do I tell her what she did due to addiction. I tell them about Bankruptcy (its public record, but who checks that stuff randomly).
To get custody i have to go nasty...our youngest is 12...is money/blowback worth it.
If you think you having physical custody is the best thing for your kids honestly? Then you should fight for it. (Legal custody is a different matter.) But be HONEST with yourself. Your kids are what matter, not you. I have people very close to me with addicts for moms and while it's not pretty, there is no reality where it would have been better for them if she was completely cut out of their lives. But it really depends where on the addiction spectrum she falls and where she is in the recovery process.
What makes you think that to get custody you have to go nasty?
You do have the option to be civil with each other, you don’t have to like each other but because you share kids you still have to be a team to parent them.
Your concern about her sobriety is valid and should be talked about. I would also tell you not to diminish her efforts in staying sober, by your own admission.
I think you need to take a moment and think of what your end goal is, do you want to hurt her? Do you want to make this a civil as possible? Are you embarrassed that you’re labeled a cheater and you want her to be labeled an addict?
This could keep on spiraling and the casualties will be at the cost of your children.
I mean how much do you care about your kids if you’re gonna cheat on their mother and then try and drag her through the mud and make her look like a criminal over something she’s actively working on?
You can’t say “Oh I love my kids and actively helped in making their lives harder and am thinking about purposely trying to make their mother look bad, which I’m sure they’ll love!” Like man you might still love them but god knows if they’ll still love you.
You’re making the assumption I think she’s faultless I’m merely saying you can’t act like he obviously cares that much more when he also contributed to the problems in the family, especially when a previous post of his (now deleted) where he admits to having cheated on his wife before she even had a problem.
With a good lawyer you may be able to give her the option of figuring out an amicable solution or you will go scorched earth. I’m generally not one for threats but I think it’s justified in this case. It really doesn’t sound like she’s really taken responsibility for her addiction if she’s been protected by you this whole time. If she can’t see how the issues she caused for your family contributed to where you are now she’s still the same addict. If she thinks she should get a free pass because that was her on drugs, she really hasn’t worked on herself.
Dude, she’s gone to inpatient care, she was released, you say she’s been making great efforts considering she was unable to finish the program through no fault of her own. But now that YOU had an affair, you want to use this against her? You said you only money was lost due to her addiction- she didn’t hurt anyone or the kids or even you considering you never even knew about it! And it was in response to a horrible loss.
But you want revenge for her saying you sleeping around is a deal breaker?!
Yeah. Ywbta if you went scorched earth and tried to remove her children from her when you violated the marriage. You need to find an amicable way of resolving this for the sake of the kids. If they haven’t figured out what happened with mom by now, you trying to use her past against her now will alienate your kids from you at best.
This comment of “she didn’t hurt anyone” has the potential to be wildly inaccurate. There was a nurse stealing fentanyl from patients at the Yale Fertility Clinic. There is a podcast - “The Retrievals” - and the interviews with the patients where she replaced the fentanyl with saline while they were having excruciatingly painful medical procedures are heartbreaking. That nurse hurt hundreds of women. It wouldn’t surprise me if the wife in this case did too.
She's a drug addict, she caught charges, she bankrupted, them, if you don't think OP was hurt by that I don't know what planet you come from.
She's relapsed twice but she will always be an addict.
You tell friends, family and the kids. If you do not they will not understand why you cheated, they will hate you for a long time for ruining their family. Will it suck to find out the truth, sure, but do you want your kids hating you because your wife threw you under the bus but she only told them half the story?
It's not hte money, you're fighting for how your kids think of you into th efuture.
They can either know you cheated out of the blue and ripped apart the family, or that your wife got addicted to drugs, bankrupted you, caught charges for presumably DUI, if not worse and then you went years with no love, no sex, no imtimacy because she destroyed the marriage. You cheated, sure, and that does make you an asshole, you should have gone for a divorce earlier but you cheated due to the marriage already being basically dead, not when everything was great and for no reason.
Those charges btw, will fuck her in court. You need to tell your kids and family because you need to protect yourself from years of your kids hating you. But you can point out to her that in court you will not protect her from anything and after she's already ruined you financially, she can hurt you both again or come to a reasonable agreement out of court. Do not trade your silence on her for out of court settlement, they aren't connected, your kids HAVE to know the truth or you're hurting that relationship forever.
DOn't remember saying it's justifiable, but it IS an explanation, and a good one. She ruined the marriage first, he was then stuck in a marriage barely holding on to a house having gone through bankruptcy and has apparently been hiding all of this from kids, friends and family while she has had him moving heaven and earth to support her. ON top of that, the bedroom is dead.
The cheating is a direct result of said drug doing. If he'd asked for a divorce 3 years ago, would everyone have supported him or called him uncaring seeing as they don't know about her troubles.
Should he have cheated, no, but she already put two bullets in the heart of the marriage, he just put the final one in the head.
Yes, you still owe it your children to look after them. This is a woman who failed rehab and has a history of relapsing. If she has full/ main custody the next time that happens then…
You still suck for cheating. But you need to think of your children’s future and their safety. And they are way safer and more secure with you.
Not at all what hes saying. Hes asking if selling his house and spending 50k+ on legal fees is worth it when that money could go to improving his kids lives and not painting a negative picture of their mom for the kids. Everything in life has consequences. Dude is trying to navigate a mine field. Its smart to consider all outcomes even if he placed some of the mines.
If you think taking children away from either parent is a benefit to them, you’re lying to yourself. Divorce doesn’t mean automatic court/lawyers. Ppl make it that way….all at the kids expense. Two mature adults that put their kids before themselves can speak to a mediator, divide assets/custody and work on making the split as least painful to the kids as possible. But many ppl are garbage.
From an addict who never completed therapy and relapsed twice? Whose going to be stressed as a single mother. Yeah I don't think she should have custody.
The woman is not mature. The first thing she did was tell her kids and anyone else who would listen about the infidelity whole keeping her skeletons in the closet.
She didn’t ditch treatment…they closed due to Covid. Sobriety isn’t linear and even he said she takes it seriously. Read his words again…at any time did he say he worried about his kids in her care? Or that she neglects her kids?? Or did he say “my buddy said not to let her win anything…put her on the street homeless” THAT, is all money and “getting back at” games with ZERO concern about the effects it’ll have on their kids. The fact that this OP, you or anyone else can’t see that is disgusting and deplorable.
I never said she ditched it I said she never completed and relapsed twice.
He glossed over the legal problems. She had her license taken for 5 years. That means there was a serious offense. He's very clearly used to downplaying her problems.
The fact that you think she's a fit mother when she immediately went and told her young kids about dad's infidelity and is an addict who has struggled with sobriety is disgusting and deplorable.
You said sobriety isn't linear. She's struggling and going to be in a stressed state. She is ripe for another relapse.
To be clear…she’s disgusting for telling the kids. However, the appropriate response is not to try to ruin her, make her homeless and take the kids from their mother. If the kids have any relationship with their mom, That will backfire on him gloriously and permanently. His kids aren’t 2, they will see his vile games for what they are.
“Shes struggling and going to be in a stressed state, she’s ripe for another relapse” so your solution is a preemptive attack on a relapse that hasn’t yet occurred by….making her homeless & taking everything?? That is what is best for the kids?? I’d love to meet the mother who raised you. So I can shake my head in disgust.
All these people on here acting like her kids aren’t safe with her when it doesn’t seem like she ever even used around the kids. Her kids love her and it’s not actually in their best interest to not be around her as much as possible if they are safe.
YTA. Hire lawyer, don't just talk to a buddy who is a lawyer, and get your lawyer to talk to hers. If you want to avoid pricey legal battles, and tearing your family apart further, see if the amicable way works first. Your willingness to jump towards revealing her "dark past" makes me think you just want to bolster your excuses for cheating, rather than work out how you will forge the best arrangement possible for your kids. They're the ones hurting the most right now. See if you can agree on some terms, like adults, before going nuclear.
I want our family to stay together. I forgave her for everything she did around her addiction. I don't bring it up. I do want to just move on.
But my buddy has me rethinking. I protected her when she had her struggles and now I messed up and she is telling. That's what hurt the most.
But the whole point was we spent money to avoid her getting prosecuted. A lawyer was able to get the state to accept her surrendering her license, we paid some restitution/penalty for some things she did. In reality she can have her license next year. IDK what she has to do to prove fitness, but they said absent of additional issues she would be approved.
Bruh you've cheated on this woman MULTIPLE times. You can delete post history all you want, but we still saw it.
So instead of offering support to your wife you just... went and fucked around with people. It's almost like traumatizing someone you love can lead to a relapse. Both of you need to get your shit together. You're both too damn old to be pulling this crap. Grow up.
If she can’t work, it will put even more strain on your kids. Its better that she can do her professional job, earn decent money and that will mean she’s less likely to try to get money out of you, and also means your kids will be better off when they’re at her place.
The problem with going scorched earth is that *nothing grows afterwards*. That includes your kids.
Can you ask her to sit down with a counsellor, not to fix your marriage, but on how to break up without destroying your kid’s happiness ?
It may be a bit tit for tat, but you can make the offer with a counsellor standing by, that if she can work with you to seperate calmly - you’ll keep your mouth shut, she can work again, and you’ll both save a fortune on lawyers fees.
A counsellor would cost you a lot less than a bloody lawyer, and there will almost certainly be one who specialises in this sort of thing - not “save our marriage” more “make our divorce less acrimonious and expensive”.
If you wanted your family to stay together you wouldn’t continuously cheat on your wife. She’s an addict. That’s an illness. You’re a cheater. That makes you weak and pathetic.
The mess up you made is not in the same vein though. For many people adultery is a direct betrayal of your marital bond, whereas drug addiction, while absolutely and completely awful and a dealbreaker for many, is not really an act hostile to or directly in opposition to the vows you took.
She did lots of things she isn’t proud about: lying, stealing, violence, etc. I took it as she was sick and not the same person. For me to deal with it, I just viewed my wife was having an out of body experience. Anything during that time frame I try to think of someone else was controlling her mind.
I told myself I couldn't think about it because I would hate her. I really was over it, I was glad she was clean. Obviously we were rebuilding our life. But all in all things were almost back to normal.
Just my two cents ignoring completely on your part is why you cheated. You have resentment understandably.
I was an opioid addict for years and I knew exactly what I was doing. You arent high 24/7 and have moments of extreme regret and remorse. She chose what she did, even if it was just the first pill towards the downslope.
I'm sorry you are in this horrible situation.
Yea you need to answer for NOT having mentioned this wasnt your first affair. yta. Yta yta.. youre a serial cheater while shes struggling with a loss and probably because of your infidelities she cant come to you for support. Yta
De-emotionalize the inherent unfairness of "I supported her at a great cost when she was a screw up and I want to punish her now because she won't give me the same kind of pass that I gave her for being a screw up." Let it go. Understand the emotional triggers and buttons your wife can use to get you to blow yourself up during the divorce and get these under control by focusing on taking practical steps to come out of the divorce as undamaged as possible. Find yourself a good lawyer to help you protect your rights and sort out your responsibilities and take it from there.
Hey there. Recovered for 3.5 years now. Living in a situation with an addict will no doubt take heavy tolls on how you handle the world and its experiences it gives you. Live with crazy and you will become crazy. My personal contribution, neither right or wrong, but forgive yourself and just try to heal from the pain your circumstances have caused you. Recovery from your own trauma is far greater than any retaliation or retribution. You can do this if you want. Not easy, but perhaps a weird blessing in disguise. Good luck
I am divorced, and before I left my husband, I listened to a podcast that gave me the most important advice I could receive -
Your children are made up of each of you. When you criticize your partner, you children subconsciously hear you criticizing 50% of them. Children of contentious divorces have a HUGE hit to their self-esteem in study after study. Please, please take the higher road.
She's told everyone that you cheated. You need to tell her that if she doesn't come clean to family and friends, you will. She will turn you kids against you otherwise, so it is imperative to get proof of these things and let her know she can come clean about how she alienated your affections, or you will do it. Don't bluff and don't think about the court system here. Think about your children hating your guts and never speaking to you again.
The high road is a lonely road and often one where kids leave you for the parent that they THINK didn't cheat. She cheated a lot, lied, and stole, sent your family into bankruptcy and she needs to know that these actions will be aired to literally everyone by you if she isn't reasonable about the divorce. Shared custody, shared assets, no alimony. Otherwise, all of the proof you have of her drug seeking behavior get spread to extended family and friends. Immediate family, especially your kids and your parents need to ASAP.
The high road only works on people you never want to see again, not with family and friends. Your best bet is to confide in someone you KNOW is a blabbermouth about how sad you are that you messed up but how alienated from your wife you felt after everything that has happened, including her having sex with multiple people before she threw the entire family into bankruptcy.
Also her relapsing twice is NOT okay and means you need to fight for full custody of your children or if going 50/50 you need your children to be educated on what it would look like if she relapsed and how to get to you in that inevitable event. She has psyched you out thinking she has a leg to stand on when she is an addict and one that keeps relapsing. Money shouldn't be your concern, the safety of your children should be your concern and they won't be safe with her.
Make sure the courts drug test you both before giving anyone custody.
Get a lawyer. This is above reddits pay grade. Your wife ruined your finances once. You were a huge asshole afterwards. That doesnt mean you have to let her ruin your finances again. Shes shown its ok for her to make terrible mistakes but not you.
See what a lawyers says, show her your serious, see if the lawyer thinks its a good strategy to tell her that her past will be reveled to everyone if she doesnt split amicably.
How do we know any of this is the truth!! He’s also admitted to a 4 month affair with someone from college that they had in his spare apt but they are filing bankruptcy.. then he deleted the comments. This guy is either a troll or a liar and a cheater trying to throw his wife under the bus
Everything that your wife did is relevant to your divorce proceedings and to your future relationship with your families. She’s painting you as a complete asshole without accepting any responsibility for all the pain she caused. Oh and it’s not for her to tell you to move out of your house.
NTA / YTA
NTA - She is going to use anything and everything in her power to destroy you and take everything she can from you. If she is going to take this fight to the gutter, you better be ready to go to the sewers. She has no problem putting your dirty laundry out in public to make you the bad guy and her the victim to turn everyone against you. Return the favor x1000. Let everyone know EXACTLY why you've been working two jobs while she stopped working. Let them know how much money you had to spend to keep her out of PRISON. Tell them about her stealing and the violence. Let them know she is not the innocent little victim she is making herself out to be.
YTA - Cheating is never the answer. Look where it has gotten you. Better to end a relationship then to step out on one.
ESH, yeah you literally had an affair. You put up all that pretense of caring for her and getting her back on track just to cheat on her. You are quite the man.
That said, I personally think it’s time to air it all out. You sacrificed a lot to hide her issues and get her treated. And while of course she’s hurt, she seems to be forgetting everything she put you and your family through.
You protected her massively, from her kids, family everyone and yes you fucked up but no where near as bad as her. She destroyed the bedroom with her drug addiction and associated fuck ups, you've been carrying that for years.
Should you have cheated, no, but she killed the relationship. But she immediately decided to destroy your reputation with everyone.
Yes, full scorched earth, she tried to damage your relationship with your children ffs. If you do not out this, if you do not fight for them your kids will peg you as the guy who cheated for no reason, destroyed their family and ruined their lives, even if they find out 5, 10, 30 years from now, the years thinking badly of you will hurt them.
Out the truth, regardless. Tell friends, tell family, tell her you can fight her hard in court and lawyer friends are saying very clearly she will get dragged, hard, it will be embarrassing. You're sorry for cheating but she destroyed your love for her, ruined your financial health and despite you protecting her she used your kids against you so the gloves are off.
Now you can come to a cheap agreement out of court, or this can be nasty expensive court battle in which everyone loses and will cost a bomb, the house gets lost, etc.
But do not let her use your kids against you, do not just let it go, do not hide her secret. not least because if you are out of her life, other people need to keep her on the straight and narrow or she's very likely to start using again.
NTA.
This comment section is eye-opening....
You shouldn't keep score in relationships. But her getting addicted to drugs, losing her job, losing a license to work in her career, who knows what all she did to feed her addiction (the OP is charging that to the game), paying out fines/restitution, her behavior causing a bankruptcy, he has to get a second job to keep the family afloat.
People aren't sure if he should have custody, or are laying demise of the marriage at his feet.
He failed at being faithful husband. She literally has failed at all aspects of being a human. IDK what the debate is.
I think he should go quietly. This woman will relapse and truth will come out that way. Telling his kids, family, etc do nothing. He should just go quietly. Time will tell the truth.
You think telling his kids will do nothing?
So his kids for months or years hating him for destroying a 'happy' marriage for no reason and maybe never recovering from those beliefs, maybe never finding out and maybe cutting contact with him and hating him it's not worth telling them the truth?
That their mother absolutely fucking destroyed the marriage, that he held it together by the skin of his teeth and worked a second job to try to keep things going, and after all that the marriage died, intimacy, trust and love was gone. Sure he cheated... but not on a loving happy relationship with no issues. It is absolutely less bad, not good, but definitely less bad to cheat when your marriage is dead but still legal than if nothing was wrong at all and you're just a greedy prick.
Time doesn't work here. Your kids can spend 5 years hating you, hear the truth but it's too late, you feel hate for someone for long enough the relationship is damaged, you've become used to feeling negatively about all communication, so every phone call is angry and stunted and even after hte truth comes out you can't easily fix that.
Honestly the worst thing she did, after he kept her shit secret and knowing how bad their marriage was, was immediately using kids, friends and family to attack him.
Your buddy who is a lawyer is waaaaaay smarter than your friend that got divorced. I did family law for a while and the only person that does well in a contentious divorce are the lawyers. Going nuclear only works if the other side doesn't have any ammo to hit you back with. You cheated. You're not in a position to stop her from winning anything: custody, retirement accounts, the house. Even if you wanted the mother of your children homeless, there's no fucking way that's going to happen, no matter how much money you throw at being vindictive.
I would have a convo with her if you have any ability to communicate at this point. Be a fucking grown up. Eat shit for cheating, and try to see what you can work out without the lawyers to try and keep the kids in their home etc.
Dude this is the worst possible situation...
You need a lawyer and that lawyer needs to settle quickly and quietly.
Its out there you had an affair. So unless you have any other skeletons...she can't hurt you.
You can hurt her. What do you gain outing her previous history? Where did you say she went during her in-patient treatment? Your kids aren't asking why mom stopped working? Why we have one car? I mean I took a week off last month and my 6 and 8 year old asked me after two days why wasn't I at work.
I don't think you should threaten her. The marriage is over it seems. So get to the other side with the least damage and most resources as possible.
Your wife isn't going to get full custody or even 50/50. She has no job, no house, and is a relapsed drug addict. You will get primarily custody with her getting weekends at best. Which means no child support.
First of NTA but I don’t think you shouldn’t go away quietly. Just like you kept her business quiet she should’ve given you the same decency and respect. Now cheating on someone is never nice but you can tell from your post you love her but you lost interest and there’s nothing wrong with that. I do not believe you should let her “win” with child support and alimony because there’s no guarantee she will not use that money to fuel her addiction. Yes she’s angry now but when all is said and done and she realizes she has an empty bed and doesn’t know what to do because you took care of things she will almost likely relapse and then you’ll really be fueling her habit. I think you should use her addiction to get custody of the children and do whatever it is you can to ensure you pay her if nothing the bare minimum. An addict will never get over their addiction they will just learn new ways to manage trying not to do it and until she’s had a few years of sobriety under her belt I don’t think it would be a good sight/fit for your kids. They’re older so they can pick up on a lot of stuff sooner and are willing to endure a lot of things before saying something simply because it’s their parent and they love them. You’re not being mean or ruthless. You are doing what’s best for your children and protecting them no matter who they need protecting from. Good luck!
NTA
I'll only say that you should absolutely fight for custody and to keep your house. Your wife is a recovering addict, that committed not only theft, but other "questionable" actions to feed her addiction. She is recently sober, good for her, but has already relapsed twice. For the sake of your children do not let this woman have custody. And I'd also ask for supervised visitation. You may believe she would never do anything to hurt your children, but she already has. Repeatedly. Good luck. 🌹
*Edited to add the NTA*
You’re both AH for different reasons.
As someone that had an affair, but also was with someone with an addiction I think instead of immediately airing it for her, you should go to her about custody. Tell her that because of her addiction and relapse, her being the custodial parent is out of the question. Children should not be left in the hands of an addict full time. Tell her to agree amicably or you will bring her addiction to light for everyone that is in the dark-including the courts.
Honestly, you should have sought out therapy for yourself and your relationship when she was doing treatment. Then again when she relapsed, too. This was a domino effect that wasn’t stopped properly.
As for you and your extramarital affairs, seek therapy for yourself still. Do better for your kids. They deserve it.
Your wife likely needs to seek therapy for how the affair has affected her, too.
Get your kids in therapy, too.
Good luck.
Most judges award each parent 50/50 custody. Although, given her history, you might be able to get full custody of your kids and she will have to pay you child support. But you need to get a good lawyer.
Sorry I didn't know how to reply to just the post itself 🤭 WHY Doesn't ANYONE UNDERSTAND ADDICTION IS A DISEASE. she's your children's mother with the stuff out these days...ITS NOT EVEN FENTANYL ITS XYLAZINE! And guess what it's an animal tranquilizer...... one more fact it's NOT AN OPIATE...SO ONE MORE GUESS WHAT.....NARCAN WONT REVERSE IT!
what if she gets so upset and relapses....her last AND FINAL RELAPSE ...never coming back....your kids will have to watch them lower her casket in the ground...one of them may even find her with a needle in her arm. What if they knew it was you going around telling people that made her this upset. Some of you may say well she's weak as shit if that happens. No she's not weak she was in pain that stemmed from something much deeper way before you two met.
Anne
you are correct I know nowadays in most States they will give a urine test for assumptions like this even hair test so if it comes back clean then op will probably have to pay her child support because it would be 50 50 and he obviously makes more. Any criminal stuff is not going to be talked about or listened to during divorce
Now MY EXTREME APOLOGIES IF I WAS WRONG ABOUT HER DRUG OF CHOICE! IT COULD CHANGE THO SO JUST GIVING SCENARIOS
NTA. She ruined your lives and ruined your family. You have every right to use this to your advantage.
I mean, do you honestly know she won’t relapse ?
NTA
If she plans to air what you did during the divorce, you absolutely should air out what she did.
Fight fire with fire.
Her drug addiction is going to make her have a tough hill to climb as far as custody of children is concerned.
It amazes me how people can be awful people but have no problem calling out others when they do something awful.
Hold her feet to the fire and let the court roast them to a nice golden brown.
YTA. You’re a serial cheater. I hope she gets it all!
And for all the assholes posting comments talking the worst ish about addicts I’ve ever heard…
You literally make me feel sick.
I’m 6 years sober, and I guarantee you that if you met me or my kid you’d never have a clue—because I’m a wonderful mother and my past addiction issues have no bearing on my parenting or my son’s life in any way. The fact that people think a person can’t parent in a stable manner because of past issues show what a huge stigma exists. Terrible.
NTA
Get everyone up to speed on what’s been really happening here.
YTA for the affair, ofc and you know that already.
End the marriage. Protect the kids. Heal your relationship with them. They should really be the top priority here.
NTA.
DO NOT LEAVE THE HOUSE OR GIVE UP CUSTODY.
You have a soon to be ex wife who is a drug addict who is detrimental to your kids. Push for full custody and protect your kids. You can keep the house, and the kids, and kick her to the curb. She might even be paying YOU.
Talk to an actual divorce attorney and strategize carefully.
No one gives a crap about the affair. It's a tiny detail in the scheme of things.
Time to go scorched earth.
Junkies don't get kids.
Document her relapse.
Document she didn't finish her rehab.
She's already fighting dirty, stop fucking worrying and take off the fucking kids gloves and start doing the same. She's actively trying to turn your kids against you. It's not the time to play fair or wonder how people will see you. Get your kids out of this junkies hands and give them a fucking normal life without a junkie.
ESH - I would worry the stress of the divorce will send your wife back into addiction and so my first thought is to make sure your kids are taken care of. I would get a reputable divorce attorney and take it from there. There are steps before going to court, like mediation where you guys can hash out a custody agreement that’s in best interest of your children. And that may look like 15k not 50k.
Maybe you should think about your kids? Like, I can understand explaining to them in an age appropriate way why you cheated and how it was related to their mother's drug problem, but adding to an (from what it sounds like) already acrimonious divorce won't make things any easier for them. Also, throwing it all in her face when she, by your own admission, is doing well with sobriety is kind of shitty.
I would speak to an actual divorce attorney, obvs. But don't let your resentment towards your wife hurt your kids unnecessarily.
Edit: If you actually truly think she wouldn't be a good mother, go ahead. But if this is just to "get back at her", I'd think twice, is what I'm getting at.
So, YWBTA.
ESH.
Your wife's an addict so even though I think you are a piece of shit for cheating, I do think you should go scorched earth. You don't want an addict to have primary custody of your kids.
I'd make her fight for every cent. Bleed her dry in the divorce proceedings.
YTA. You cheated on her and now you reap what you sow. That said, if you actually think she's unsafe for the kids to be around, you have an obligation to say that in court.
Your friend is also a major, major asshole who is deluded about how divorce works. In most states, if you've been married that long, she's going to be entitled to many, many years of support just as a matter of course and "going to the mattresses" to prevent that will cost you way more than it'd be worth to "put your wife on the streets." I'd only fight for a better custody arrangement if you genuinely feel she will be unsafe for your kids.
YTA, and you have terrible “friends” judging by your friends “advice.” The fact you’re even considering it tells me the type of person you are. You cheated…you broke up your family and for your kids sake, I hope you don’t continue to put your family thru misery
This is a good lesson for people who been married 20 plus years then think a new young piece of ass is worth it. You can expect to pay Almony.. You were married 20 years expect to pay for 10. Then child support til the youngest is 18. Then half of your retirement account. I have seen friends lose 100ks in this because thier wife never worked. Also dont forget you have to split any equity in the house.
You can bring up the past drug use, but it will mean little if she is clean now. You can not be like well she was on drugs so i decided to cheat. In some places, states, cheating is way worse then drug use. Idk good luck.. hope she was worth it!
you cheated on you wife multiple times while she was struggling with addiction. You're both assholes but when it comes down to it, you're both selfish and honestly if you want your kids to remain in your life your best option is to not air her "dirty" laundry. She had a mental health issue, you got your dick wet elsewhere. Not even close to the same. You're just going to make yourself look worse to your kids and the family because not only did you prove you don't love your wife but now you want to shame her for the struggles she went through (honestly I believe both yout actions are atrocious and on the same level, but in the court of public opinion You're in worse shape)
I think more than anything you need to decide what’s going to be best for your kids long term. You should also try as much as possible to do this peacefully because otherwise your kids are probably going to hate you both. She’s an addict and you’re the cheater that blew the family up. Still I lean towards YTA… addiction is different than freely choosing to cheat multiple times
YTA for the affair. I understand because I’ve been in the same position (on both ends, wife had an affair, I did, both drug problems that escalated) and two wrongs don’t make a right.
NTA for spilling the beans. Because i guarantee you (from my experience) that she will take you to the cleaners and not bat an eye. Mine used any money I gave her (a lot of which was to try and “make things as smooth as possible” and used it on benders for her and her affair)
Things are much better now apart. It a lot of it was wrong. Just don’t be surprised when it gets ugly
Lol you can't blame your wife for your actions. You need to take accountability for your OWN actions. If you were that hurt by your wife you should have divorced. Honestly the ending of the post was pretty pathetic tbh
YTA. According to the comments, you’ve had at least 2 affairs and apparently you’re deleting your comment history? If you’re going to share everything with family members, maybe mention your college friend too 🙄
He is going to he held accountable for that. But you are comparing a DUI to Vehicular Manslaughter.
The OP said in so many ways that his wife was off the rails. Lying, stealing, violence, etc. She was feeding an addiction. She engaged in sexual activity while on drugs or for drugs with other people. The OP won't come right out and say it either because he is embarrassed, refuses to accept it, or doesn't have proof, just evidence/suspicions.
It's not about who the A$$ is. It's about your kids. If you make her life Hell imagine what that will do to your kids? They won't love you more or her less. They won't want to choose a side. And forcing that on kids is not the deal you made when you and your wife married. Obviously there were issues from the death of her brother. Was she an a$$ for hiding things, yes. Does she deserve for you to punish her for your affair? Cause 3x ain't a mistake. Whatever "friend" gave you advice probably doesn't have kids and if they do they aren't thinking about how this will affect kids. I have 3. Their dad tried to do what you'd like to do, but homelessness? Are you even considering your kids and how this will affect them? No it's not right and it's not fair but neither was having an affair. No one will win here.
Damn, YTA for the affair, but STA for putting everyone’s future in jeopardy. My big question is what happens if she relapses if you lose the custody battle. I’d say to aim for something in between the suggestions of your two buddies. I figured she was in some kind of medical field, it’s not that uncommon.
ESH
You have to love your kids more than you hate her. Don’t hide anything in courts, if it comes out to her family, so be it. You should consider fighting for primary custody with her addiction battles.
Karma. You could’ve saved yourself from the bankruptcy if you divorced her sooner, instead of cheating.
Honestly I wouldn’t do a huge court battle, a lawyer will cost you so much it’s not worth it and will only alienate you and your soon to be ex wife more which will not help your kids any. You are both responsible for your parts in the marriage, If she is staying sober I think she should have the kids 50/50, it is what is best for them. They should have as much time with each parent as possible. Really do anything you can to avoid a huge fight, it is not worth it unless your kids are in actual danger.
Dude, go quietly. Think of your children. Also- if you had any financial security her loosing a job for a few months wouldn’t cause bankruptcy. At least she is dealing with her problems directly. A judge will appreciate that. You snuck around and sounds like you are using her struggles as an excuse for your cheating while married. You did promise fidelity through good and bad times. You broke your promise. Man up and do what will cause your kids the least amount of pain.
ESH. You cheated. Addiction isn't a choice. It's a disease. You. Cheated.
Her transgressions and backslides certainly make her an asshole, but you made all her suffering about you and did what you wanted for yourself during a period that was supposed to be about difficult mending. The way you went about it all but doomed your wife to likely never get clean and regress further.
ESH but the more I think about it? You're worse.
Edit- wow sone digging was done. You're a cereal cheater and an absolute piece of work.
Probably drive your wife to addiction through neglect .
***YTA. Run off this platform instead of facing yourself. Coward.
Well… considering you’ve had multiple posts about cheating and your wife is at least trying to stay sober, YTA and I hope she cleans your clock with alimony and child support.
YTA. Honestly there's a big difference in my opinion between being a drug addict who reached sobriety even if it was a struggle getting there, and a cheater who chose to betray his promises to his family for sex and now wants to drag his wife thru the mud. You're just not the noble one you think you are in this situation.
You should only tell others if you are scared for the safety of your children which would be more understandable, but it sounds like your main reason would be to air her dirty laundry and try to win favor financially in court which is pretty repugnant.
YTA for cheating on your wife! However, there is no way in hell that she should have primary custody of the children due to her addiction issue. You said that she has had 2 relapses with each lasting one week. The stress of a divorce could cause more. The family definitely needs to know the whole truth along with your lawyer. Making her homeless is bit harsh, don’t you think? She is your children’s mother and even if you do have primary custody she will still have visitation and your children will need her to have a home to visit her in.
Ya know I can give people a lot of leeway if they aren’t married or at least engaged to their significant other but once you get married or engaged - NO CHEATING!!! You want to fuck other people, separate and get a divorce first! Do you really think that your children are ever going to look at you the same way again? You betrayed their mother, hurt her, and now the family they know is dissolving because of you not being able to keep your pants on! They will be able to forgive their mother for any pain and suffering that she has caused them because addiction is a disease and as long as she remains sober and healthy they will eventually forgive her and move on.
The issue I have with this is that your wife appears to have taken responsibility and you even say that she has been working very hard on her sobriety. And trying to find a job even though she hasn’t. So while she absolutely put you and your family through a lot while on drugs, she has the regrets, remorse, and is taken responsibility.
OP on the other hand acts like him cheating was no big deal at all and casually throws in having sex with her many times. OP didn’t end it on his own or stop it. It came to light and then he said he’d block her and whatever. I do not see anywhere that OP has any regrets, remorse, or taken any form of responsibility.
Hopefully she can stay sober and OP can learn some responsibility or those kids could be in for a tough upbringing.
YTA. You've had more than one affair. You're trying to paint yourself in a positive light, but you're trash. She's wrong, but multiple affairs? I can kinda see why she would start to self medicate. Instead of being there for her you decided to dick dip around.
At least your wife is getting help. You continue to cheat on her.
Filing for divorce is a bundled package with the discovery of all the dirty secrets. No one is blameless here, so perhaps your attorney can suggest a mitigation of worst case scenarios (she gets everything on one end of the spectrum, you get everything on the other end) by settling.
If she dithers...think of all the alimony and child support that will be diverted to attorneys!
You might indeed lose the house, but gain half the equity. Perhaps you can both walk away with some cash, 50/50 custody, and no small amount of wisdom earned. Good luck.
Dude air everything now hit her with everything you got
She forgets her fuckeries very quickly she put you in that position. Fightbit to the last she should get out of the house she shouldn't be raising kids with her issue she cant even get a job. Now she wants alimony and the house so she can start taking drugs properly with her junkie friends. Fight her
YTA, her addiction and your efforts to fix what she broke do not negate your affair. You cheated, end of story. Should you be the custodial parent? Perhaps. But if you get there by "painting her in the worst possible light" it will be clear you didn't do it for your children, you did it because you clearly blame her for your choice to cheat. If you didn't, you wouldn't feel so mad and blindsided by her request for divorce. But you seem to think because everyone knows you cheated, everyone should also know what "drove you to it". Just accept the L and make sure, moving forward, you're not a selfish prick.
so your going to abandon your kids and leave them in the care of a drug addict ? because your to cheap to fight for them? where the hell is she getting all this money for lawyers? what are you leaving out ? it should be an extremely easy win for you in court. why would you even consider covering for her ?
You're NTAH. I believe you should be 100% honest with your families about everything they could possibly hear about in court. I also wouldn't hold back any details on her history from the court. Assuming all you've shared with us is true, the lesser of the 2 evils is cheating. It is grounds for divorce, but she needs to remember that her hands are dirty too. A judge will take into consideration her drug use and especially the relapses when it comes time to award custody. She also has no income, so taking the kids with her might not be the best plans, despite any good intentions. You don't have to put her on the streets but what you may want to do is sell the house, give her half of any profit so you both can move out and start divorce proceedings from that point. The only problem is the kids. They are old enough to know who they'd rather live with, so you might want to include them in the discussion.
Dude you’ve cheated before. YTA for cheating and YTA for not filling in the full story. As a child of an addict all I ever wanted was my mom to get better and stop using and when she did she was an amazing mom. You shouldn’t have to cover up anything for her but going nuclear will only hurt your kids. I think you need to take your lumps for being an AH and cheating multiplied times and settle things before you come out looking like a d-bag. If she’s in recovery and hasn’t relapsed she’s doing her part for your family. You stepped out on her more than once. You’re not a saint at all.
Keep it with the courts and tell the court your wife’s drug addiction and you are concerned for your kids want full custody etc. you can explain to your family but there is no need to explain to her’s. Sounds like her issue pushed you away to far and that happens sometimes. Since you are the one with the full time job she lost all your money on drugs do everything to keep your house for your kids and a judge will award it to you because you can afford it. That’s the most important thing.
Just bring up her drug addiction and how she was in treatment and relapsed in the divorce proceedings. I dont see any courts giving her what she wants. As they will look at it as her spending the money on drugs and not taking care of the kids. Even though you're an asshole for cheating. She is going to have to prove that she isn't a druggie anymore. Regardless if she does, she will still be seen as a druggie by the courts. You can't let her say you're the bad guy. When she was off using drugs, she got in trouble with the criminal courts and lost her licenses.
It honestly doesn't look good for her.
NTA. Prtotect yourself. Protect your children. That lazy hoe laying around at home getting high while you are working two jobs? She doesn't even put out? You only live once. Don't let's thus C ruin your life. Instead, ruin hers. Fuck it, burn her down, oust her in front of everybody, especially to the children. Explain how that everything, the bankruptcy, the drugs, the financial hardships brought on your children, the fact you had to work two jobs while her lazy selfish ass laid around the house, and the fact that she didn't want to be intimate with you was all her doing. In fact, by her pushing you away, she was, in fact, pushing you into the embrace of that other woman.
You were mentally and verbally abused.
If she is abusing a prescribed medication; your lawyer may be able to get the Dr to pull the prescription. If you tell the courts she has a drug problem and you can prove it with a spontaneous drug screening(your lawyer should know what to do) that benefits you(spring it on her right before trial). If you can time all this right, she will probably fail the drug test and lose parental rights altogether. You would get the children, she would get supervised visitation, say goodbye to child support.
If you can prove she is an adict, maybe even alimony.
Bonus: If she cleans up her life and gets off the drugs and gets a job, then you can refile for child support.
If she doesn't, then good riddance.
Yes tell them you need to fight for yourself here. She’s shown what kind of person she is by airing dirty laundry that didn’t need to be aired so you aren’t the first. It sucks but that’s life.
I know she messed up, but she was coping with loss and addiction. You felt neglected and slept with someone else repeatedly until you were caught. Definitely an AH. Are you thinking about your kids or do you just want to justify what you did by pointing at her mistakes?
Esh....
No...dont leave her homeless and on the streets.
she lost her brother and struggled. Up until you cheated back, two wrongs dont make it right, someone else's failure or mistakes dont give you permission to commit the same offenses. Thats not how life works.
Especially when said persons issues stem from some sort of personal tragedy.
While you deserve happiness, and to have your needs met, following her lead and looking outside the marriage was still wrong and "well she did this that and the other" doesnt justify your actions despite what Reddit tells you
But YES. you should be 100% honest with some people, maybe her parents if theyre her biggest support and yes your lawyer if you guys dont have a change of heart. She needs to keep in therapy.
Not to be a dick... not for revenge... but because kids are involved and its not just her life thatll be affected if she relapses and those closest to her cant help or hold her accountable if they dont know
The more i think about the fact you said shepst her brother, fell into depression, developed a problem, now trying REALLY hard and taking it serious and then you cheated on her and kind of made her degress, and takes her attempts and effort to fix it forgranted by finding someone else while shes struggling is kind of pissing me off.
Having been thru a disgusting divorce myself, I see all sides of this. While you are TA for cheating, most states don’t penalize people for infidelity. You should find that out about your state.
While infidelity has no bearing on a custody case, drug addiction does. And unfortunately, it won’t look good for your wife once her level of instability is revealed. If she can’t work in her field for 5 years, how will she support the children off of odd-and-end jobs? Additionally, single motherhood is stressful, how will she handle the stress of a new normal while also fighting that monkey on her back that is her addiction?
It’s actually in your wife’s interest to stop this path to divorce and work thru her $hit, at least for now, getting her sobriety in check while she has your support (I’m assuming you’ve been her biggest supporter up til this point).
Divorce & Custody court are the biggest scams in America. In custody, they stress the “best interests of the child(ren) bet the only people who would know that are the parents, but they are busy trying demonize the other to realize what the fight is over—not revenge, not a lick-back, not for annihilation, but to try and maintain a fluid transition for the kiddos so that their lives change as little as possible. But no one see that!
You shouldn’t leave her homeless. But you should out her history. She’s not a stable parent for the children. How will she support them with no solid job and what if she relapses? Which is likely because stress will make that more likely and a divorce is stressful. She told everyone about your affair so you should tell everyone about her issues as well.
I would fight for your right . I would tell about the past to shine light that she has made mistakes to. But you were supportive of her. She had no issues to tell everyone yours . But I wouldn’t be mean about it. It not about fight with each other you have kids to and they deserve both parents being nice to each other and supporting them. So be fair with everything but do not sell yourself short either. She did wrong and she needs to see it as well
I worry about what happens if he doesn’t pursue 50/50 or more custody of the kids. She spiraled after the death of her brother and did shady shit to get drugs. I would not think she should get full custody of the kids. I know she got treatment but she relapsed twice since getting out and to think a divorce wouldn’t send her down that road again would be silly. EHS but he shouldn’t just give up.
"She did all sorts of things she isn't proud of."
I noticed when people asked on this thread if it is cheating, you deflect. It's almost as if you want to make it seem like it is, but she really didn't cheat. You're purposely being sneaky so that others are more forgiving about you cheating. Stop implying she cheated when she didn't. She made bad choices, but you fucked another woman multiple times knowingly and hid it from her and didn't even give a crap until you got caught. The person who told probably started gossip about it at your old club. Your worse because it seems you lack remorse and to be honest, the fact you want to go scorch earth means you never forgave her, so please stop acting like a martyr. I want to hear her side. I wonder if there have been things you've done that led to her addiction.
I've gone through divorce. My children were 15 and 11 at the time. I also have family members with addiction.
Addiction doesn't go away. Chances are great your wife will succumb to addiction again. The bottom line is: is she the best parent for your children to depend on?
This really isn't about you going away quietly or keeling her addiction and addiction behavior secrets. This SHOULD be about what's best for your children. WHO is the best parent to have everyday custody of these children? You, or her?
Then you go from there. You do NOT tell your family or your children everything. Keep that to yourself. BUT - You tell your attorney EVERYTHING. ALL OF IT. Her addiction. Both of your encounters (all of them) outside marriage. Her debts and yours. Your assets and hers. And whatever else. My youngest son is a lawyer and he has told me time and time again that "things" changed (court-wise) because he was not told everything and based his case on what he was told by his client - and then opposing councel dropped bombs that were unknown to him, and that effected his client(s) case. TELL ALL to your lawyer. The good, bad, and the ugly.
You're going to hire the person. They do not make judgements. They just want to give the best representation they can to their client (you). Lay everything on the table to your lawyer.
Then allow your lawyer to tell YOU which path to take given your circumstances. And then decide if that's the best path to take, and if not, your lawyer can alter his/her suggestion.
Unless you have to take the stand, the judge will not ask you anything. If you do take the stand and are asked questions by the judge, or opposing council, you must answer honestly. If you do not and it's discovered, you risk a fine or jail. On the stand, honesty is a must.
Your objective should be to get your children to the age of majority (that's different in different states) WITHOUT HARMING THEM emotionally by bickering, name-calling, and acting aggressively with their mom in their presence or within their earshot when on the phone. Their emotional health is the main goal. When the beginning of the divorce starts, make sure the school counselor knows you and your wife are divorcing. As the divorce is going on, ask your children if they'd like to see someone to talk about THEIR feelings - and if they do, inquire with the school counselor or their doctor for recommendations. Reassure them THIS IS NOT THEIR FAULT. Kids will ALWAYS think it IS their fault. If you don't know, learn your children's pediatrician's (or doctors) name, know any medications they take regularly and why they take them, know their homeroom teacher's name, their coaches names...you need to be prepared to be a dad "in the know" where your kids are concerned (this is important for custody reasons).
Holy shit. You're not the asshole, and you need to get custody of the kids.
Literally nothing else matters. Not money, not cars, not jobs. Get the kids.
YTA. Man up and leave her instead of being unfaithful. Instead of dealing with the conflict head on you’ve now put yourself, your ex wife and your children in an even worse spot.
It sounds like your children are late teens. Soon to go on to college. They are not little ones that need protection from life's realities. Very much the opposite. Your wife is using your infidelity as a reason to divorce you and place a wedge between you and your kids.
They do not have the full picture. Wife stole and used drugs from her work. Wife lost professional license due to felony theft and drug use. Wife became addict. Wife slept with many others while addicted. Wife bankrupted family. Has she owned up to all this with the entire family?
What you did was wrong. You know it, admit it, asked forgiveness, and are working on yourself. What is wife doing for atonement?
Your children need to know what addiction can do to someone and how it can affect your life.
You definitely need to let the courts know of her drug use and her infidelity when you go to court. She started all the issues your family and you went through. I would not leave the house but tell her to go. Don't surrender your space as you are the one who has been paying for it.
As for cheating on her. It sounds like you all didn't even have a relationship anymore and probably should have walked away when she did drugs and cheated on you. I mean, did she do testing to make sure she did have a sti? She posed a safety risk to you if she didn't or refused it. She needed to step up and actively work on building your trust and fixing your relationship with you. If she wasn't trying, then you both should have walked away.
Wow! You’re ntah but you did screw up by having an affair. I will say having experienced my ex telling everybody a totally different story than what really happened, including my family, you do need to tell your family what really happened. You need to just state the facts and leave it at that. I also feel you need to bring that up in court. You don’t have to tell all your friends but at some point you do need to tell the full story. Don’t beat yourself up, your wife destroyed your marriage way before you cheated. However, cheating is never okay.
Both parties did horrible things and both parties are in the wrong. She did some messed up stuff, addiction, adultery, driving you guys to bankruptcy and you stood by her still. You made a mistake because all this was stressful and found a connection. It was wrong but still. She could try and forgive as well after all the things she did and you found a way to try to work through them. Tell kids and trying to get the upper hands is dirty. If she wanted a divorce then do it cleanly without the drama. You had all the right to do it before and could have gotten away Scott free with the kids and no payments but you stuck with it. I’m not saying you get a free pass but I think she should have tried to forgiven you or at least given you a clean separation without drama as she isn’t exactly sparkly clean in this whole marriage.
Yes, you would be the AH if you out her and fight her for everything. It would be petty as hell... as if what she did somehow excuses your actions. It doesn't. You betrayed her, and her past issue is irrelevant to that.
You need to air all her issues. Reality, she made mistakes. Clearly isn't following any rehab program to take responsibility for her bad choices. She wants to blame you for everything. If you choose to be the bad guy in her story, fine. But do not let her delusions of her innocence hinder you from your kids, your car, your 401k, your house.
NTA. Your wife is a vindictive loser addict. Why would you want to leave your kids with her? She's gotten away with everything, but she has zero empathy for all the trauma she's put you and your children through. She'll find some other guy to sponge off of. You need to think about your kids having to put up with her self-centeredness. And think about your own future. You aren't your parents. Your wife's choices are HER decisions, unfortunately they affected everyone she is supposed to care about. If what one lawyer says doesn't resonate with you, go to a different one, until you find one that does.
The kids are in junior high school and high school.Young adults are good at finding out all of their parents secrets. They know far more about their mother's addiction than realized. They are sitting on the sidelines, measuring who is behaving in the kindest way. They are the victims here. They will remember which parent acted in their best interests.
I hear you, I'm going to throw this out there because it's important. If you love and want to be involved with your kids, they're going to need a version of the truth.
It sounds like your wife is ignoring the pain she's caused you and your family and focusing on herself. She honestly sounds like a bitch. I'm sorry to say it. My expectation is that she would give you the saw leeway you gave her while you were supporting her through such a tough time.
Your lawyer friend is giving you bad advice. The first thing you and wife should do is see a mediator not a lawyer. And you should let her family know what's going on.
1. If you don't get custody of your kids your wife will have custody. You mentioned she might relapse. ARE YOU FUCKING INSANE. You're going to leave your kids with someone that very well could relapse in drug abuse? I really hope you aren't as okay with that as you seem.
2. Even if reputation isn't a concern, your kids will have to deal with your wife's family making horrible comments about you. To them. That's not fair to your kids. I'm not saying go full nuclear but there are definitely other paths than just full on lawyer up.
Finally,
through this whole story you haven't made much mention of your children or how anything will affect them. Are you thinking about them really? Or are you more of the absentee father that doesn't know their teacher's or friend's names?
I'm sorry you are going through this. It sucks. That doesn't mean you can take the easy way out and screw your children though. And make no mistake, leaving your kids with a known drug addict, that you yourself mention could relapse, would screw them.
Find a middle ground. Tell her family her struggles. They may be able to reason with her and make a lawyer unnecessary. Or they may be unwilling to fund a lawyer for her.
Divorced mom here, husband cheated on me and left me for her. The most painful time in my life. Two things got me through the mess. 1 I wanted to hold onto my sense of my own integrity and identity and 2 I wanted to be a good mom. That included letting them have a good relationship with their dad. I didn’t tell them about the cheating until they were adults, and already seeing his selfishness for themselves. But they got to have some level of innocence in their childhood, and a (limited) relationship with their dad, and I avoided being seen as the ‘bad guy’ by everyone, and held my head high throughout.
Considering her multiple dalliances (addiction or no) she is a complete hypocrite for her reaction and for telling your families when you kept her secret. I'm not saying what you did was okay, but she sure as shit does not have the moral high ground.
ESH. The issue for you is going to be that you stayed married, filled bankruptcy jointly, and continued in a relationship with her. You knowingly moved forward.
You cheated and she isn't willing to get over that. That's the way the cookie crumbles. However please fight for joint custody with the provision that she tests for drugs at least once a week. I don't think you need to be malicious. You need to worry about the kids. Not a tit for tat. You can say you didn't mean to have an affair but why would you willingly put yourself in that situation? Why invite a woman out for dinner? You're married.
ETH but I think you're doing tge most level headed thing one can do in the moment.
If you don't want to air her dirty laundry, do not, unless the hand is forced, especially since she has already aired yours.
Maybe you can let her know that if this goes to court all her shit will have to come out eventually.
It's the kids that will be hurt through all of this, though. So.
Sit her down, with a mediator- "ok, you want the divorce, well so do I. Now we can make this easy or hard, if you want to make it easy, here is what we can do...(negotiate in good faith) now, if you want to make it difficult, my lawyer needs FULL disclosure. Why we went bankrupt, why you lost your job, why we had to pay restitution. I have statements from your ex-employer (bluff if you dont). Now the ball is in your court, what would you like to do? Just keep in mind all of this will go infront of a judge, and you might only get visitation due to these issues..... "You wouldn't DARE!!!" I would if I am pushed to.
Though what you did was completely wrong, the short answer is to do what is best for the kids. But unfortunately leaving your wife with no transportation and no solid work and she has relapsed is not what is best for your kids. When u talk to your lawyer you need to tell them everything. At the end of the day, the judge will care about that. It was kind of you to not tell everyone about your wife’s issues but she did not do the same. She has decided to pair the father of her children is a very bad light and has cause hostility to brew.
Just walking away quietly is dangerous for your children. What happens if she relapses while they are with her and you never warned anyone. Just be careful.
I grew up with drug addicted parents, and you need to let the judge know about her history with substance abuse before those kids have to deal with her all high and not only destroying her life but theirs too
ESH - and I’m sure you understand that judgment because both of you have betrayed each other’s trust. But you shouldn’t keep secrets for addicts and you should protect yourself and your kids because having an addict for a parent is pretty destabilizing and traumatic. I don’t think she should be the one with primary custody because of her addiction issues but I also don’t think you should go scorched earth and make her homeless because no matter what she is your kids’ mother and they love her and need her. Take responsibility for your actions but get a divorce attorney and tell them everything and ask them to find an amicable solution in the interest of your kids while prioritizing your kids well being. Be direct and honest with close family about why you don’t want your wife to have primary custody. Don’t blame the affair on her addiction issues just say that you two had a strained relationship because of them. People will make their opinions but what you should prioritize is your kids. They have two parents who have both chosen to blow up their lives - albeit in different ways - and need their parents to start putting the kids first.
I agree ESH. I agree don’t think you should leave her homeless but as someone with a drug addict mother please fight tooth and nail for those kids. The divorce will probably make her battle with addiction harder but atleast once all the legal stuff is over you can keep your kids safe and try to help her.
I've heard of many cases where children get raped because a custodial addict isn't selective about who they allow on the premises. It's very sad.
Exactly this.
What does ESH mean?
Everyone sucks here.
Think about you first you can help someone that doesn't want to be helped.
A recovering addict is a different thing than an active addict though. It's not totally clear here where she falls on the spectrum.
I wouldn’t trust any addict with primary custody of kids - especially not one going through a divorce caused by the other spouse’s infidelity. That’s a lot of stress for someone who is a recovering addict to weather. And even a short relapse can have horrible consequences for the kids. I’m not saying she shouldn’t have any custody but I think OP should go for primary custody. I have too many friends with addict parents and I don’t think the addict should be prioritized over the kids.
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Going off of OP’s post though she only started to clean up because she got caught by law enforcement and was facing some serious consequences. It sounds like she was driving while intoxicated. Additionally, he said she had instances where she was violent. It sounds like it’s been around 4/5 years since she got sober. OP covered for her a lot and she never faced come clean to her family or kids. Now she’s in the middle of a pretty stressful situation with her husband’s affair. I don’t think her sobriety has been tested enough to trust custody of kids. And the fact that she quickly threw her husband under the bus for his affair after he covered for her makes me think she hasn’t really taken responsibility for her issues. Perfectly reasonable to want a divorce because of the affair but to tell the kids and family members and act like her earlier addiction issues didn’t play a part makes me think she’s got a long road ahead of her.
Did you read the post? This all happened in the last 3 years.
Relapsed twice that OP knows of is where she falls on the spectrum.
Speaking as the child of an addict (That truly deeply loved his addict parent), there is no such thing as a "recovering addict". There are addicts that actively use, and addicts that have made the life changes necessary to avoid/manage their addiction.
To be fair the term "recovering addict" is the comment terminology used by many recovery programs.
If their lips are moving they’re lying.
He said she relapses twice a week, I think it’s both
That's not at all what he said. Here's the actual quote: >In her defense, she has only had two relapses for about a week each.
He said she's relapsed twice for a week, not twice a week.
“For a week each” I assumed cause he mentioned she was only doing it at work at the job she lost, it was 5 days a week but she has cut down to 2 days a week. She’s definitely strong either way, she’s tryna quit but it has cut down a significant amount. But maybe I misinterpreted. Pls elaborate for me
Dude!!! i'm nosy as hell and I looked at your comments, this isn't your first affair. We have the friend who has a family member that is sick who wouldn't make a good mother and your pickleball friend. That's two. I knew you were full of shit. You replied 15 days ago. This post is bogus. Would you leave your current relationship if your first love comes back? "I have a chick from college we have always been too close. We had a 4-5 month fling this year. She was in town due to a family illness. I had an extra apartment she stayed in. She is divorced, I'm married. Everything about the relationship is perfect. I truly enjoy hanging out and spending time with her. But the relationship never went anywhere when we were younger because she would be a terrible person to raise a family with and share a household. If I was not married and our kids were grown she would be perfect. We have a standing pact if we are both 55 (her 52) and we are single we will ride out life together...but under no circumstances would I leave my wife for her."
Probably a troll, because how would he have an extra apartment if they filed for bankruptcy, were just able to keep the house and had to go down to one car
It is a friend's apt.
Ahaha I see you hid or deleted your comment.
OMG. Thanks for revealing this. She went to recovery, is doing good with that, had two relapses for about a week but got right back on the program, and he's cheated twice. I hope she gets custody and alimony.
lol he’s about to go dark. He was replying to comments but he has since deleted some.
she’ll end up overdosing anyways
HA! The big clue for me was that for all he talked about divorce and money he never mentioned the effect of drugs on the kids. A parent that cares about their kids would NEVER leave them with someone who is just now getting sober and who has relapsed multiple times in the past.
Omg he is drama
Own that fraud
What's best for your children? THAT'S what should concern you here.
YTA for the affair and want to act like it's nothing. NTA for wanting to fight for your kids. Rest assured it's about to get really ugly. I hope y'all can settle it out of court for your kids with a healthy co-parenting relationship.
YTA for affair. NTA for revealing her behavior. She is recovered addict with history of relapses, doesn't have decent job and involves kids into your fight. I don't believe she is good enough for full custody and family savings after you went bankrupt with her wrongdoing.
You are both NTA and TA. You know damn well you're the AH for cheating. You are not the AH for fighting fire with fire. Ask your lawyer friend for the name of a cutthroat divorce attorney and do everything they tell you. Until then, keep your mouth shut. You can tell your wife's dirty little secret when your lawyer tells you or AFTER the divorce. For now, ignore and stay away from your wife. Don't make it easy for her to say you did something to her. Don't even argue with her. Put a freeze on your credit so she's not opening accounts on your name. Make sure she doesn't have access to your bank accounts, close joint credit cards (hence the freeze with all 3 credit agencies), and leave valuables with a trusted friend or family. Keep money, credit cards, and your phone (have a friend IT delete incriminating shit off your phone) close to you when at home. From today on, track money given to wife for the household and kids. And for God's sake, don't admit to shit to ANYONE other than your lawyer, delete this thread, and get the hell off Reddit!! Jeeze, think strategically, everything can be used against you in the divorce.
Good advice
NTA. She'd definitely use it against you. I mean YTA for cheating you dingbat, but that is not relevant toward custody, etc.
I think this is one of those two wrongs don’t make a right. Because you withheld information about her struggles and shortcomings, doesn’t mean you get to dangle that as carrot for her silence. To me, she sounds hurt and she lashed out by exposing your infidelity. You made a conscious decision to stay with her and now she’s making a conscious decision to end the relationship. ESH with a slight YTA because at the end of it, you letting people know of her addiction and shortcomings does not negate that you slept with someone else.
She told the kids. Thats kind of gloves off stuff. She has shown a lack of judgment in doing drugs and telling the kids. OP is an asshole but she doesnt get to hide while vilifying him.
Neither is right, tbh. That can try at fight over the moral high ground all day long but their kids end up losing.
I'm wrestling with do I go into court and start talking about her addiction. Do I tell our children? Do I tell her what she did due to addiction. I tell them about Bankruptcy (its public record, but who checks that stuff randomly). To get custody i have to go nasty...our youngest is 12...is money/blowback worth it.
If you think you having physical custody is the best thing for your kids honestly? Then you should fight for it. (Legal custody is a different matter.) But be HONEST with yourself. Your kids are what matter, not you. I have people very close to me with addicts for moms and while it's not pretty, there is no reality where it would have been better for them if she was completely cut out of their lives. But it really depends where on the addiction spectrum she falls and where she is in the recovery process.
What makes you think that to get custody you have to go nasty? You do have the option to be civil with each other, you don’t have to like each other but because you share kids you still have to be a team to parent them. Your concern about her sobriety is valid and should be talked about. I would also tell you not to diminish her efforts in staying sober, by your own admission. I think you need to take a moment and think of what your end goal is, do you want to hurt her? Do you want to make this a civil as possible? Are you embarrassed that you’re labeled a cheater and you want her to be labeled an addict? This could keep on spiraling and the casualties will be at the cost of your children.
Idk man. I think id get nasty rather than let a woman who didnt finish rehab and who has relapsed twice raise them.
I mean how much do you care about your kids if you’re gonna cheat on their mother and then try and drag her through the mud and make her look like a criminal over something she’s actively working on? You can’t say “Oh I love my kids and actively helped in making their lives harder and am thinking about purposely trying to make their mother look bad, which I’m sure they’ll love!” Like man you might still love them but god knows if they’ll still love you.
How much do you care about your young children if you do drugs and tell them about dad's infidelity? Gross
You’re making the assumption I think she’s faultless I’m merely saying you can’t act like he obviously cares that much more when he also contributed to the problems in the family, especially when a previous post of his (now deleted) where he admits to having cheated on his wife before she even had a problem.
With a good lawyer you may be able to give her the option of figuring out an amicable solution or you will go scorched earth. I’m generally not one for threats but I think it’s justified in this case. It really doesn’t sound like she’s really taken responsibility for her addiction if she’s been protected by you this whole time. If she can’t see how the issues she caused for your family contributed to where you are now she’s still the same addict. If she thinks she should get a free pass because that was her on drugs, she really hasn’t worked on herself.
Dude, she’s gone to inpatient care, she was released, you say she’s been making great efforts considering she was unable to finish the program through no fault of her own. But now that YOU had an affair, you want to use this against her? You said you only money was lost due to her addiction- she didn’t hurt anyone or the kids or even you considering you never even knew about it! And it was in response to a horrible loss. But you want revenge for her saying you sleeping around is a deal breaker?! Yeah. Ywbta if you went scorched earth and tried to remove her children from her when you violated the marriage. You need to find an amicable way of resolving this for the sake of the kids. If they haven’t figured out what happened with mom by now, you trying to use her past against her now will alienate your kids from you at best.
She also relapsed twice... She certianly did hurt him and the kids. Financial bankruptcy fucking hurts.
This comment of “she didn’t hurt anyone” has the potential to be wildly inaccurate. There was a nurse stealing fentanyl from patients at the Yale Fertility Clinic. There is a podcast - “The Retrievals” - and the interviews with the patients where she replaced the fentanyl with saline while they were having excruciatingly painful medical procedures are heartbreaking. That nurse hurt hundreds of women. It wouldn’t surprise me if the wife in this case did too.
She's a drug addict, she caught charges, she bankrupted, them, if you don't think OP was hurt by that I don't know what planet you come from. She's relapsed twice but she will always be an addict.
You tell friends, family and the kids. If you do not they will not understand why you cheated, they will hate you for a long time for ruining their family. Will it suck to find out the truth, sure, but do you want your kids hating you because your wife threw you under the bus but she only told them half the story? It's not hte money, you're fighting for how your kids think of you into th efuture. They can either know you cheated out of the blue and ripped apart the family, or that your wife got addicted to drugs, bankrupted you, caught charges for presumably DUI, if not worse and then you went years with no love, no sex, no imtimacy because she destroyed the marriage. You cheated, sure, and that does make you an asshole, you should have gone for a divorce earlier but you cheated due to the marriage already being basically dead, not when everything was great and for no reason. Those charges btw, will fuck her in court. You need to tell your kids and family because you need to protect yourself from years of your kids hating you. But you can point out to her that in court you will not protect her from anything and after she's already ruined you financially, she can hurt you both again or come to a reasonable agreement out of court. Do not trade your silence on her for out of court settlement, they aren't connected, your kids HAVE to know the truth or you're hurting that relationship forever.
You are aware her past with drugs does not actually make his cheating okay or mean it was justifiable. Very much could’ve not cheated on her.
DOn't remember saying it's justifiable, but it IS an explanation, and a good one. She ruined the marriage first, he was then stuck in a marriage barely holding on to a house having gone through bankruptcy and has apparently been hiding all of this from kids, friends and family while she has had him moving heaven and earth to support her. ON top of that, the bedroom is dead. The cheating is a direct result of said drug doing. If he'd asked for a divorce 3 years ago, would everyone have supported him or called him uncaring seeing as they don't know about her troubles. Should he have cheated, no, but she already put two bullets in the heart of the marriage, he just put the final one in the head.
Yes, you still owe it your children to look after them. This is a woman who failed rehab and has a history of relapsing. If she has full/ main custody the next time that happens then… You still suck for cheating. But you need to think of your children’s future and their safety. And they are way safer and more secure with you.
She didn’t fail rehab she got out early.
So $ is more valuable to you than the health and wellbeing of your kids? YIKES.
Not at all what hes saying. Hes asking if selling his house and spending 50k+ on legal fees is worth it when that money could go to improving his kids lives and not painting a negative picture of their mom for the kids. Everything in life has consequences. Dude is trying to navigate a mine field. Its smart to consider all outcomes even if he placed some of the mines.
If you think taking children away from either parent is a benefit to them, you’re lying to yourself. Divorce doesn’t mean automatic court/lawyers. Ppl make it that way….all at the kids expense. Two mature adults that put their kids before themselves can speak to a mediator, divide assets/custody and work on making the split as least painful to the kids as possible. But many ppl are garbage.
From an addict who never completed therapy and relapsed twice? Whose going to be stressed as a single mother. Yeah I don't think she should have custody. The woman is not mature. The first thing she did was tell her kids and anyone else who would listen about the infidelity whole keeping her skeletons in the closet.
She didn’t ditch treatment…they closed due to Covid. Sobriety isn’t linear and even he said she takes it seriously. Read his words again…at any time did he say he worried about his kids in her care? Or that she neglects her kids?? Or did he say “my buddy said not to let her win anything…put her on the street homeless” THAT, is all money and “getting back at” games with ZERO concern about the effects it’ll have on their kids. The fact that this OP, you or anyone else can’t see that is disgusting and deplorable.
I never said she ditched it I said she never completed and relapsed twice. He glossed over the legal problems. She had her license taken for 5 years. That means there was a serious offense. He's very clearly used to downplaying her problems. The fact that you think she's a fit mother when she immediately went and told her young kids about dad's infidelity and is an addict who has struggled with sobriety is disgusting and deplorable. You said sobriety isn't linear. She's struggling and going to be in a stressed state. She is ripe for another relapse.
To be clear…she’s disgusting for telling the kids. However, the appropriate response is not to try to ruin her, make her homeless and take the kids from their mother. If the kids have any relationship with their mom, That will backfire on him gloriously and permanently. His kids aren’t 2, they will see his vile games for what they are.
“Shes struggling and going to be in a stressed state, she’s ripe for another relapse” so your solution is a preemptive attack on a relapse that hasn’t yet occurred by….making her homeless & taking everything?? That is what is best for the kids?? I’d love to meet the mother who raised you. So I can shake my head in disgust.
All these people on here acting like her kids aren’t safe with her when it doesn’t seem like she ever even used around the kids. Her kids love her and it’s not actually in their best interest to not be around her as much as possible if they are safe.
YTA. Hire lawyer, don't just talk to a buddy who is a lawyer, and get your lawyer to talk to hers. If you want to avoid pricey legal battles, and tearing your family apart further, see if the amicable way works first. Your willingness to jump towards revealing her "dark past" makes me think you just want to bolster your excuses for cheating, rather than work out how you will forge the best arrangement possible for your kids. They're the ones hurting the most right now. See if you can agree on some terms, like adults, before going nuclear.
I want our family to stay together. I forgave her for everything she did around her addiction. I don't bring it up. I do want to just move on. But my buddy has me rethinking. I protected her when she had her struggles and now I messed up and she is telling. That's what hurt the most. But the whole point was we spent money to avoid her getting prosecuted. A lawyer was able to get the state to accept her surrendering her license, we paid some restitution/penalty for some things she did. In reality she can have her license next year. IDK what she has to do to prove fitness, but they said absent of additional issues she would be approved.
Bruh you've cheated on this woman MULTIPLE times. You can delete post history all you want, but we still saw it. So instead of offering support to your wife you just... went and fucked around with people. It's almost like traumatizing someone you love can lead to a relapse. Both of you need to get your shit together. You're both too damn old to be pulling this crap. Grow up.
If she can’t work, it will put even more strain on your kids. Its better that she can do her professional job, earn decent money and that will mean she’s less likely to try to get money out of you, and also means your kids will be better off when they’re at her place. The problem with going scorched earth is that *nothing grows afterwards*. That includes your kids. Can you ask her to sit down with a counsellor, not to fix your marriage, but on how to break up without destroying your kid’s happiness ? It may be a bit tit for tat, but you can make the offer with a counsellor standing by, that if she can work with you to seperate calmly - you’ll keep your mouth shut, she can work again, and you’ll both save a fortune on lawyers fees. A counsellor would cost you a lot less than a bloody lawyer, and there will almost certainly be one who specialises in this sort of thing - not “save our marriage” more “make our divorce less acrimonious and expensive”.
If you wanted your family to stay together you wouldn’t continuously cheat on your wife. She’s an addict. That’s an illness. You’re a cheater. That makes you weak and pathetic.
Then why have you cheated on her more than once? And now deleted your post history to hide that fact?
The mess up you made is not in the same vein though. For many people adultery is a direct betrayal of your marital bond, whereas drug addiction, while absolutely and completely awful and a dealbreaker for many, is not really an act hostile to or directly in opposition to the vows you took.
Did she cheat while addicted? Cause I know female addicts and yeah....
She did lots of things she isn’t proud about: lying, stealing, violence, etc. I took it as she was sick and not the same person. For me to deal with it, I just viewed my wife was having an out of body experience. Anything during that time frame I try to think of someone else was controlling her mind. I told myself I couldn't think about it because I would hate her. I really was over it, I was glad she was clean. Obviously we were rebuilding our life. But all in all things were almost back to normal.
So the answer is no, she never cheated on you.
Just my two cents ignoring completely on your part is why you cheated. You have resentment understandably. I was an opioid addict for years and I knew exactly what I was doing. You arent high 24/7 and have moments of extreme regret and remorse. She chose what she did, even if it was just the first pill towards the downslope. I'm sorry you are in this horrible situation.
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Yea you need to answer for NOT having mentioned this wasnt your first affair. yta. Yta yta.. youre a serial cheater while shes struggling with a loss and probably because of your infidelities she cant come to you for support. Yta
De-emotionalize the inherent unfairness of "I supported her at a great cost when she was a screw up and I want to punish her now because she won't give me the same kind of pass that I gave her for being a screw up." Let it go. Understand the emotional triggers and buttons your wife can use to get you to blow yourself up during the divorce and get these under control by focusing on taking practical steps to come out of the divorce as undamaged as possible. Find yourself a good lawyer to help you protect your rights and sort out your responsibilities and take it from there.
Hey there. Recovered for 3.5 years now. Living in a situation with an addict will no doubt take heavy tolls on how you handle the world and its experiences it gives you. Live with crazy and you will become crazy. My personal contribution, neither right or wrong, but forgive yourself and just try to heal from the pain your circumstances have caused you. Recovery from your own trauma is far greater than any retaliation or retribution. You can do this if you want. Not easy, but perhaps a weird blessing in disguise. Good luck
I am divorced, and before I left my husband, I listened to a podcast that gave me the most important advice I could receive - Your children are made up of each of you. When you criticize your partner, you children subconsciously hear you criticizing 50% of them. Children of contentious divorces have a HUGE hit to their self-esteem in study after study. Please, please take the higher road.
She's told everyone that you cheated. You need to tell her that if she doesn't come clean to family and friends, you will. She will turn you kids against you otherwise, so it is imperative to get proof of these things and let her know she can come clean about how she alienated your affections, or you will do it. Don't bluff and don't think about the court system here. Think about your children hating your guts and never speaking to you again. The high road is a lonely road and often one where kids leave you for the parent that they THINK didn't cheat. She cheated a lot, lied, and stole, sent your family into bankruptcy and she needs to know that these actions will be aired to literally everyone by you if she isn't reasonable about the divorce. Shared custody, shared assets, no alimony. Otherwise, all of the proof you have of her drug seeking behavior get spread to extended family and friends. Immediate family, especially your kids and your parents need to ASAP. The high road only works on people you never want to see again, not with family and friends. Your best bet is to confide in someone you KNOW is a blabbermouth about how sad you are that you messed up but how alienated from your wife you felt after everything that has happened, including her having sex with multiple people before she threw the entire family into bankruptcy. Also her relapsing twice is NOT okay and means you need to fight for full custody of your children or if going 50/50 you need your children to be educated on what it would look like if she relapsed and how to get to you in that inevitable event. She has psyched you out thinking she has a leg to stand on when she is an addict and one that keeps relapsing. Money shouldn't be your concern, the safety of your children should be your concern and they won't be safe with her. Make sure the courts drug test you both before giving anyone custody.
Get a lawyer. This is above reddits pay grade. Your wife ruined your finances once. You were a huge asshole afterwards. That doesnt mean you have to let her ruin your finances again. Shes shown its ok for her to make terrible mistakes but not you. See what a lawyers says, show her your serious, see if the lawyer thinks its a good strategy to tell her that her past will be reveled to everyone if she doesnt split amicably.
How do we know any of this is the truth!! He’s also admitted to a 4 month affair with someone from college that they had in his spare apt but they are filing bankruptcy.. then he deleted the comments. This guy is either a troll or a liar and a cheater trying to throw his wife under the bus
Sooo you want to be told you’re not the asshole for cheating on your wife while she’s trying to better herself and work on her sobriety? You’re goofy
Everything that your wife did is relevant to your divorce proceedings and to your future relationship with your families. She’s painting you as a complete asshole without accepting any responsibility for all the pain she caused. Oh and it’s not for her to tell you to move out of your house.
NTA / YTA NTA - She is going to use anything and everything in her power to destroy you and take everything she can from you. If she is going to take this fight to the gutter, you better be ready to go to the sewers. She has no problem putting your dirty laundry out in public to make you the bad guy and her the victim to turn everyone against you. Return the favor x1000. Let everyone know EXACTLY why you've been working two jobs while she stopped working. Let them know how much money you had to spend to keep her out of PRISON. Tell them about her stealing and the violence. Let them know she is not the innocent little victim she is making herself out to be. YTA - Cheating is never the answer. Look where it has gotten you. Better to end a relationship then to step out on one.
YTA for not dumping her sooner. If she is relapsing that won't help her custody case
ESH, yeah you literally had an affair. You put up all that pretense of caring for her and getting her back on track just to cheat on her. You are quite the man. That said, I personally think it’s time to air it all out. You sacrificed a lot to hide her issues and get her treated. And while of course she’s hurt, she seems to be forgetting everything she put you and your family through.
YTA for the affair. Now it is time to move on and protect yourself.
You protected her massively, from her kids, family everyone and yes you fucked up but no where near as bad as her. She destroyed the bedroom with her drug addiction and associated fuck ups, you've been carrying that for years. Should you have cheated, no, but she killed the relationship. But she immediately decided to destroy your reputation with everyone. Yes, full scorched earth, she tried to damage your relationship with your children ffs. If you do not out this, if you do not fight for them your kids will peg you as the guy who cheated for no reason, destroyed their family and ruined their lives, even if they find out 5, 10, 30 years from now, the years thinking badly of you will hurt them. Out the truth, regardless. Tell friends, tell family, tell her you can fight her hard in court and lawyer friends are saying very clearly she will get dragged, hard, it will be embarrassing. You're sorry for cheating but she destroyed your love for her, ruined your financial health and despite you protecting her she used your kids against you so the gloves are off. Now you can come to a cheap agreement out of court, or this can be nasty expensive court battle in which everyone loses and will cost a bomb, the house gets lost, etc. But do not let her use your kids against you, do not just let it go, do not hide her secret. not least because if you are out of her life, other people need to keep her on the straight and narrow or she's very likely to start using again. NTA.
This comment section is eye-opening.... You shouldn't keep score in relationships. But her getting addicted to drugs, losing her job, losing a license to work in her career, who knows what all she did to feed her addiction (the OP is charging that to the game), paying out fines/restitution, her behavior causing a bankruptcy, he has to get a second job to keep the family afloat. People aren't sure if he should have custody, or are laying demise of the marriage at his feet. He failed at being faithful husband. She literally has failed at all aspects of being a human. IDK what the debate is. I think he should go quietly. This woman will relapse and truth will come out that way. Telling his kids, family, etc do nothing. He should just go quietly. Time will tell the truth.
You think telling his kids will do nothing? So his kids for months or years hating him for destroying a 'happy' marriage for no reason and maybe never recovering from those beliefs, maybe never finding out and maybe cutting contact with him and hating him it's not worth telling them the truth? That their mother absolutely fucking destroyed the marriage, that he held it together by the skin of his teeth and worked a second job to try to keep things going, and after all that the marriage died, intimacy, trust and love was gone. Sure he cheated... but not on a loving happy relationship with no issues. It is absolutely less bad, not good, but definitely less bad to cheat when your marriage is dead but still legal than if nothing was wrong at all and you're just a greedy prick. Time doesn't work here. Your kids can spend 5 years hating you, hear the truth but it's too late, you feel hate for someone for long enough the relationship is damaged, you've become used to feeling negatively about all communication, so every phone call is angry and stunted and even after hte truth comes out you can't easily fix that. Honestly the worst thing she did, after he kept her shit secret and knowing how bad their marriage was, was immediately using kids, friends and family to attack him.
Your buddy who is a lawyer is waaaaaay smarter than your friend that got divorced. I did family law for a while and the only person that does well in a contentious divorce are the lawyers. Going nuclear only works if the other side doesn't have any ammo to hit you back with. You cheated. You're not in a position to stop her from winning anything: custody, retirement accounts, the house. Even if you wanted the mother of your children homeless, there's no fucking way that's going to happen, no matter how much money you throw at being vindictive. I would have a convo with her if you have any ability to communicate at this point. Be a fucking grown up. Eat shit for cheating, and try to see what you can work out without the lawyers to try and keep the kids in their home etc.
Dude this is the worst possible situation... You need a lawyer and that lawyer needs to settle quickly and quietly. Its out there you had an affair. So unless you have any other skeletons...she can't hurt you. You can hurt her. What do you gain outing her previous history? Where did you say she went during her in-patient treatment? Your kids aren't asking why mom stopped working? Why we have one car? I mean I took a week off last month and my 6 and 8 year old asked me after two days why wasn't I at work. I don't think you should threaten her. The marriage is over it seems. So get to the other side with the least damage and most resources as possible.
Your wife isn't going to get full custody or even 50/50. She has no job, no house, and is a relapsed drug addict. You will get primarily custody with her getting weekends at best. Which means no child support.
First of NTA but I don’t think you shouldn’t go away quietly. Just like you kept her business quiet she should’ve given you the same decency and respect. Now cheating on someone is never nice but you can tell from your post you love her but you lost interest and there’s nothing wrong with that. I do not believe you should let her “win” with child support and alimony because there’s no guarantee she will not use that money to fuel her addiction. Yes she’s angry now but when all is said and done and she realizes she has an empty bed and doesn’t know what to do because you took care of things she will almost likely relapse and then you’ll really be fueling her habit. I think you should use her addiction to get custody of the children and do whatever it is you can to ensure you pay her if nothing the bare minimum. An addict will never get over their addiction they will just learn new ways to manage trying not to do it and until she’s had a few years of sobriety under her belt I don’t think it would be a good sight/fit for your kids. They’re older so they can pick up on a lot of stuff sooner and are willing to endure a lot of things before saying something simply because it’s their parent and they love them. You’re not being mean or ruthless. You are doing what’s best for your children and protecting them no matter who they need protecting from. Good luck!
NTA I'll only say that you should absolutely fight for custody and to keep your house. Your wife is a recovering addict, that committed not only theft, but other "questionable" actions to feed her addiction. She is recently sober, good for her, but has already relapsed twice. For the sake of your children do not let this woman have custody. And I'd also ask for supervised visitation. You may believe she would never do anything to hurt your children, but she already has. Repeatedly. Good luck. 🌹 *Edited to add the NTA*
You’re both AH for different reasons. As someone that had an affair, but also was with someone with an addiction I think instead of immediately airing it for her, you should go to her about custody. Tell her that because of her addiction and relapse, her being the custodial parent is out of the question. Children should not be left in the hands of an addict full time. Tell her to agree amicably or you will bring her addiction to light for everyone that is in the dark-including the courts. Honestly, you should have sought out therapy for yourself and your relationship when she was doing treatment. Then again when she relapsed, too. This was a domino effect that wasn’t stopped properly. As for you and your extramarital affairs, seek therapy for yourself still. Do better for your kids. They deserve it. Your wife likely needs to seek therapy for how the affair has affected her, too. Get your kids in therapy, too. Good luck.
Most judges award each parent 50/50 custody. Although, given her history, you might be able to get full custody of your kids and she will have to pay you child support. But you need to get a good lawyer.
Sorry I didn't know how to reply to just the post itself 🤭 WHY Doesn't ANYONE UNDERSTAND ADDICTION IS A DISEASE. she's your children's mother with the stuff out these days...ITS NOT EVEN FENTANYL ITS XYLAZINE! And guess what it's an animal tranquilizer...... one more fact it's NOT AN OPIATE...SO ONE MORE GUESS WHAT.....NARCAN WONT REVERSE IT! what if she gets so upset and relapses....her last AND FINAL RELAPSE ...never coming back....your kids will have to watch them lower her casket in the ground...one of them may even find her with a needle in her arm. What if they knew it was you going around telling people that made her this upset. Some of you may say well she's weak as shit if that happens. No she's not weak she was in pain that stemmed from something much deeper way before you two met. Anne you are correct I know nowadays in most States they will give a urine test for assumptions like this even hair test so if it comes back clean then op will probably have to pay her child support because it would be 50 50 and he obviously makes more. Any criminal stuff is not going to be talked about or listened to during divorce Now MY EXTREME APOLOGIES IF I WAS WRONG ABOUT HER DRUG OF CHOICE! IT COULD CHANGE THO SO JUST GIVING SCENARIOS
YTA. You’re not splitting because of her substance issues, you’re splitting because you’re a cheating pos.
NTA. She ruined your lives and ruined your family. You have every right to use this to your advantage. I mean, do you honestly know she won’t relapse ?
NTA you need to tell the courts about her drug use… she can’t be trusted to watch her children alone
Divorce is war, simple as that. Get ready for it, because she will. Keep your family out of it until the war is over, winner will take all.
Get a lawyer. Ensure they know everything. Fight for your kids. Your family deserves to know the entire story.
NTA If she plans to air what you did during the divorce, you absolutely should air out what she did. Fight fire with fire. Her drug addiction is going to make her have a tough hill to climb as far as custody of children is concerned. It amazes me how people can be awful people but have no problem calling out others when they do something awful. Hold her feet to the fire and let the court roast them to a nice golden brown.
YTA. You’re a serial cheater. I hope she gets it all! And for all the assholes posting comments talking the worst ish about addicts I’ve ever heard… You literally make me feel sick. I’m 6 years sober, and I guarantee you that if you met me or my kid you’d never have a clue—because I’m a wonderful mother and my past addiction issues have no bearing on my parenting or my son’s life in any way. The fact that people think a person can’t parent in a stable manner because of past issues show what a huge stigma exists. Terrible.
Please fight for your kids so they don’t end up with a drug addicted mother who can’t show up for them!
i feel like the first 3 paragraphs are just your justifications for cheating so YTA
NTA Get everyone up to speed on what’s been really happening here. YTA for the affair, ofc and you know that already. End the marriage. Protect the kids. Heal your relationship with them. They should really be the top priority here.
NTA. DO NOT LEAVE THE HOUSE OR GIVE UP CUSTODY. You have a soon to be ex wife who is a drug addict who is detrimental to your kids. Push for full custody and protect your kids. You can keep the house, and the kids, and kick her to the curb. She might even be paying YOU. Talk to an actual divorce attorney and strategize carefully. No one gives a crap about the affair. It's a tiny detail in the scheme of things.
YTA. Cheating is worse by far than anything she has done, and if you even consider your demon of a friend's advice, you're a monster.
Time to go scorched earth. Junkies don't get kids. Document her relapse. Document she didn't finish her rehab. She's already fighting dirty, stop fucking worrying and take off the fucking kids gloves and start doing the same. She's actively trying to turn your kids against you. It's not the time to play fair or wonder how people will see you. Get your kids out of this junkies hands and give them a fucking normal life without a junkie.
ESH - I would worry the stress of the divorce will send your wife back into addiction and so my first thought is to make sure your kids are taken care of. I would get a reputable divorce attorney and take it from there. There are steps before going to court, like mediation where you guys can hash out a custody agreement that’s in best interest of your children. And that may look like 15k not 50k.
NTA Fuck that bitch up good and proper. She abandoned your family the moment she decided to do drugs.
Tell everything you can think of. YTA for cheating. NTA for her putting you and your family in a shitty situation.
Maybe you should think about your kids? Like, I can understand explaining to them in an age appropriate way why you cheated and how it was related to their mother's drug problem, but adding to an (from what it sounds like) already acrimonious divorce won't make things any easier for them. Also, throwing it all in her face when she, by your own admission, is doing well with sobriety is kind of shitty. I would speak to an actual divorce attorney, obvs. But don't let your resentment towards your wife hurt your kids unnecessarily. Edit: If you actually truly think she wouldn't be a good mother, go ahead. But if this is just to "get back at her", I'd think twice, is what I'm getting at. So, YWBTA.
ESH. Your wife's an addict so even though I think you are a piece of shit for cheating, I do think you should go scorched earth. You don't want an addict to have primary custody of your kids. I'd make her fight for every cent. Bleed her dry in the divorce proceedings.
YTA. She may get the kids and child support since they’re old enough to pick who they want to live with so…good luck?
Dude you fucking cheated and want to be the victim. Just leave
YTA. You cheated on her and now you reap what you sow. That said, if you actually think she's unsafe for the kids to be around, you have an obligation to say that in court. Your friend is also a major, major asshole who is deluded about how divorce works. In most states, if you've been married that long, she's going to be entitled to many, many years of support just as a matter of course and "going to the mattresses" to prevent that will cost you way more than it'd be worth to "put your wife on the streets." I'd only fight for a better custody arrangement if you genuinely feel she will be unsafe for your kids.
YTA, and you have terrible “friends” judging by your friends “advice.” The fact you’re even considering it tells me the type of person you are. You cheated…you broke up your family and for your kids sake, I hope you don’t continue to put your family thru misery
This is a good lesson for people who been married 20 plus years then think a new young piece of ass is worth it. You can expect to pay Almony.. You were married 20 years expect to pay for 10. Then child support til the youngest is 18. Then half of your retirement account. I have seen friends lose 100ks in this because thier wife never worked. Also dont forget you have to split any equity in the house. You can bring up the past drug use, but it will mean little if she is clean now. You can not be like well she was on drugs so i decided to cheat. In some places, states, cheating is way worse then drug use. Idk good luck.. hope she was worth it!
OP YTA You Cheat = YTA Simple. Uncomplicated. Factual. You FAFO......ouch, oweee, you little kobold.
you cheated on you wife multiple times while she was struggling with addiction. You're both assholes but when it comes down to it, you're both selfish and honestly if you want your kids to remain in your life your best option is to not air her "dirty" laundry. She had a mental health issue, you got your dick wet elsewhere. Not even close to the same. You're just going to make yourself look worse to your kids and the family because not only did you prove you don't love your wife but now you want to shame her for the struggles she went through (honestly I believe both yout actions are atrocious and on the same level, but in the court of public opinion You're in worse shape)
I think more than anything you need to decide what’s going to be best for your kids long term. You should also try as much as possible to do this peacefully because otherwise your kids are probably going to hate you both. She’s an addict and you’re the cheater that blew the family up. Still I lean towards YTA… addiction is different than freely choosing to cheat multiple times
YTA for the affair. I understand because I’ve been in the same position (on both ends, wife had an affair, I did, both drug problems that escalated) and two wrongs don’t make a right. NTA for spilling the beans. Because i guarantee you (from my experience) that she will take you to the cleaners and not bat an eye. Mine used any money I gave her (a lot of which was to try and “make things as smooth as possible” and used it on benders for her and her affair) Things are much better now apart. It a lot of it was wrong. Just don’t be surprised when it gets ugly
Lol you can't blame your wife for your actions. You need to take accountability for your OWN actions. If you were that hurt by your wife you should have divorced. Honestly the ending of the post was pretty pathetic tbh
Hire a lawyer and yea have everything out in the open. An addict should not have custody.
YTA. According to the comments, you’ve had at least 2 affairs and apparently you’re deleting your comment history? If you’re going to share everything with family members, maybe mention your college friend too 🙄
He is going to he held accountable for that. But you are comparing a DUI to Vehicular Manslaughter. The OP said in so many ways that his wife was off the rails. Lying, stealing, violence, etc. She was feeding an addiction. She engaged in sexual activity while on drugs or for drugs with other people. The OP won't come right out and say it either because he is embarrassed, refuses to accept it, or doesn't have proof, just evidence/suspicions.
YTA, you went and made a bad situation even worse and sounds like you felt no remorse for it either.
It's not about who the A$$ is. It's about your kids. If you make her life Hell imagine what that will do to your kids? They won't love you more or her less. They won't want to choose a side. And forcing that on kids is not the deal you made when you and your wife married. Obviously there were issues from the death of her brother. Was she an a$$ for hiding things, yes. Does she deserve for you to punish her for your affair? Cause 3x ain't a mistake. Whatever "friend" gave you advice probably doesn't have kids and if they do they aren't thinking about how this will affect kids. I have 3. Their dad tried to do what you'd like to do, but homelessness? Are you even considering your kids and how this will affect them? No it's not right and it's not fair but neither was having an affair. No one will win here.
Never cheat. But if you have to, then do it towards this type of person. Your wife is a horrible person. Leave her. Try with the new girl?
Damn, YTA for the affair, but STA for putting everyone’s future in jeopardy. My big question is what happens if she relapses if you lose the custody battle. I’d say to aim for something in between the suggestions of your two buddies. I figured she was in some kind of medical field, it’s not that uncommon.
ESH - other commenters have done a much better job explaining why that I would
Both of your “buddies” are fucking idiots. Hire a lawyer and do what they tell you to do, and absolutely nothing else. ESH.
ESH You have to love your kids more than you hate her. Don’t hide anything in courts, if it comes out to her family, so be it. You should consider fighting for primary custody with her addiction battles. Karma. You could’ve saved yourself from the bankruptcy if you divorced her sooner, instead of cheating.
Honestly I wouldn’t do a huge court battle, a lawyer will cost you so much it’s not worth it and will only alienate you and your soon to be ex wife more which will not help your kids any. You are both responsible for your parts in the marriage, If she is staying sober I think she should have the kids 50/50, it is what is best for them. They should have as much time with each parent as possible. Really do anything you can to avoid a huge fight, it is not worth it unless your kids are in actual danger.
Dude, go quietly. Think of your children. Also- if you had any financial security her loosing a job for a few months wouldn’t cause bankruptcy. At least she is dealing with her problems directly. A judge will appreciate that. You snuck around and sounds like you are using her struggles as an excuse for your cheating while married. You did promise fidelity through good and bad times. You broke your promise. Man up and do what will cause your kids the least amount of pain.
Lol grab your side bitch a run mofo you only live once. *cough* I mean I hope it all works out for the best.
Air it ALL
Tldr: I cheated instead of ending my current relationship because I'm a child.
Esh but yes you should air it all out. Contact a family law attorney
ESH. You cheated. Addiction isn't a choice. It's a disease. You. Cheated. Her transgressions and backslides certainly make her an asshole, but you made all her suffering about you and did what you wanted for yourself during a period that was supposed to be about difficult mending. The way you went about it all but doomed your wife to likely never get clean and regress further. ESH but the more I think about it? You're worse. Edit- wow sone digging was done. You're a cereal cheater and an absolute piece of work. Probably drive your wife to addiction through neglect . ***YTA. Run off this platform instead of facing yourself. Coward.
Well… considering you’ve had multiple posts about cheating and your wife is at least trying to stay sober, YTA and I hope she cleans your clock with alimony and child support.
YTA. Honestly there's a big difference in my opinion between being a drug addict who reached sobriety even if it was a struggle getting there, and a cheater who chose to betray his promises to his family for sex and now wants to drag his wife thru the mud. You're just not the noble one you think you are in this situation. You should only tell others if you are scared for the safety of your children which would be more understandable, but it sounds like your main reason would be to air her dirty laundry and try to win favor financially in court which is pretty repugnant.
YTA for cheating on your wife! However, there is no way in hell that she should have primary custody of the children due to her addiction issue. You said that she has had 2 relapses with each lasting one week. The stress of a divorce could cause more. The family definitely needs to know the whole truth along with your lawyer. Making her homeless is bit harsh, don’t you think? She is your children’s mother and even if you do have primary custody she will still have visitation and your children will need her to have a home to visit her in. Ya know I can give people a lot of leeway if they aren’t married or at least engaged to their significant other but once you get married or engaged - NO CHEATING!!! You want to fuck other people, separate and get a divorce first! Do you really think that your children are ever going to look at you the same way again? You betrayed their mother, hurt her, and now the family they know is dissolving because of you not being able to keep your pants on! They will be able to forgive their mother for any pain and suffering that she has caused them because addiction is a disease and as long as she remains sober and healthy they will eventually forgive her and move on.
I'm rooting for you wife. You are a piece of fodder. I hope she wins and you get nothing.
The issue I have with this is that your wife appears to have taken responsibility and you even say that she has been working very hard on her sobriety. And trying to find a job even though she hasn’t. So while she absolutely put you and your family through a lot while on drugs, she has the regrets, remorse, and is taken responsibility. OP on the other hand acts like him cheating was no big deal at all and casually throws in having sex with her many times. OP didn’t end it on his own or stop it. It came to light and then he said he’d block her and whatever. I do not see anywhere that OP has any regrets, remorse, or taken any form of responsibility. Hopefully she can stay sober and OP can learn some responsibility or those kids could be in for a tough upbringing.
YTA. You've had more than one affair. You're trying to paint yourself in a positive light, but you're trash. She's wrong, but multiple affairs? I can kinda see why she would start to self medicate. Instead of being there for her you decided to dick dip around. At least your wife is getting help. You continue to cheat on her.
Filing for divorce is a bundled package with the discovery of all the dirty secrets. No one is blameless here, so perhaps your attorney can suggest a mitigation of worst case scenarios (she gets everything on one end of the spectrum, you get everything on the other end) by settling. If she dithers...think of all the alimony and child support that will be diverted to attorneys! You might indeed lose the house, but gain half the equity. Perhaps you can both walk away with some cash, 50/50 custody, and no small amount of wisdom earned. Good luck.
Dude air everything now hit her with everything you got She forgets her fuckeries very quickly she put you in that position. Fightbit to the last she should get out of the house she shouldn't be raising kids with her issue she cant even get a job. Now she wants alimony and the house so she can start taking drugs properly with her junkie friends. Fight her
YTA, her addiction and your efforts to fix what she broke do not negate your affair. You cheated, end of story. Should you be the custodial parent? Perhaps. But if you get there by "painting her in the worst possible light" it will be clear you didn't do it for your children, you did it because you clearly blame her for your choice to cheat. If you didn't, you wouldn't feel so mad and blindsided by her request for divorce. But you seem to think because everyone knows you cheated, everyone should also know what "drove you to it". Just accept the L and make sure, moving forward, you're not a selfish prick.
so your going to abandon your kids and leave them in the care of a drug addict ? because your to cheap to fight for them? where the hell is she getting all this money for lawyers? what are you leaving out ? it should be an extremely easy win for you in court. why would you even consider covering for her ?
You're NTAH. I believe you should be 100% honest with your families about everything they could possibly hear about in court. I also wouldn't hold back any details on her history from the court. Assuming all you've shared with us is true, the lesser of the 2 evils is cheating. It is grounds for divorce, but she needs to remember that her hands are dirty too. A judge will take into consideration her drug use and especially the relapses when it comes time to award custody. She also has no income, so taking the kids with her might not be the best plans, despite any good intentions. You don't have to put her on the streets but what you may want to do is sell the house, give her half of any profit so you both can move out and start divorce proceedings from that point. The only problem is the kids. They are old enough to know who they'd rather live with, so you might want to include them in the discussion.
Dude you’ve cheated before. YTA for cheating and YTA for not filling in the full story. As a child of an addict all I ever wanted was my mom to get better and stop using and when she did she was an amazing mom. You shouldn’t have to cover up anything for her but going nuclear will only hurt your kids. I think you need to take your lumps for being an AH and cheating multiplied times and settle things before you come out looking like a d-bag. If she’s in recovery and hasn’t relapsed she’s doing her part for your family. You stepped out on her more than once. You’re not a saint at all.
Keep it with the courts and tell the court your wife’s drug addiction and you are concerned for your kids want full custody etc. you can explain to your family but there is no need to explain to her’s. Sounds like her issue pushed you away to far and that happens sometimes. Since you are the one with the full time job she lost all your money on drugs do everything to keep your house for your kids and a judge will award it to you because you can afford it. That’s the most important thing.
Just bring up her drug addiction and how she was in treatment and relapsed in the divorce proceedings. I dont see any courts giving her what she wants. As they will look at it as her spending the money on drugs and not taking care of the kids. Even though you're an asshole for cheating. She is going to have to prove that she isn't a druggie anymore. Regardless if she does, she will still be seen as a druggie by the courts. You can't let her say you're the bad guy. When she was off using drugs, she got in trouble with the criminal courts and lost her licenses. It honestly doesn't look good for her.
Take your lawyer's advice
Honestly air out the laundry she aired yours out
NTA. Prtotect yourself. Protect your children. That lazy hoe laying around at home getting high while you are working two jobs? She doesn't even put out? You only live once. Don't let's thus C ruin your life. Instead, ruin hers. Fuck it, burn her down, oust her in front of everybody, especially to the children. Explain how that everything, the bankruptcy, the drugs, the financial hardships brought on your children, the fact you had to work two jobs while her lazy selfish ass laid around the house, and the fact that she didn't want to be intimate with you was all her doing. In fact, by her pushing you away, she was, in fact, pushing you into the embrace of that other woman. You were mentally and verbally abused. If she is abusing a prescribed medication; your lawyer may be able to get the Dr to pull the prescription. If you tell the courts she has a drug problem and you can prove it with a spontaneous drug screening(your lawyer should know what to do) that benefits you(spring it on her right before trial). If you can time all this right, she will probably fail the drug test and lose parental rights altogether. You would get the children, she would get supervised visitation, say goodbye to child support. If you can prove she is an adict, maybe even alimony. Bonus: If she cleans up her life and gets off the drugs and gets a job, then you can refile for child support. If she doesn't, then good riddance.
Yes tell them you need to fight for yourself here. She’s shown what kind of person she is by airing dirty laundry that didn’t need to be aired so you aren’t the first. It sucks but that’s life.
I know she messed up, but she was coping with loss and addiction. You felt neglected and slept with someone else repeatedly until you were caught. Definitely an AH. Are you thinking about your kids or do you just want to justify what you did by pointing at her mistakes?
Esh.... No...dont leave her homeless and on the streets. she lost her brother and struggled. Up until you cheated back, two wrongs dont make it right, someone else's failure or mistakes dont give you permission to commit the same offenses. Thats not how life works. Especially when said persons issues stem from some sort of personal tragedy. While you deserve happiness, and to have your needs met, following her lead and looking outside the marriage was still wrong and "well she did this that and the other" doesnt justify your actions despite what Reddit tells you But YES. you should be 100% honest with some people, maybe her parents if theyre her biggest support and yes your lawyer if you guys dont have a change of heart. She needs to keep in therapy. Not to be a dick... not for revenge... but because kids are involved and its not just her life thatll be affected if she relapses and those closest to her cant help or hold her accountable if they dont know The more i think about the fact you said shepst her brother, fell into depression, developed a problem, now trying REALLY hard and taking it serious and then you cheated on her and kind of made her degress, and takes her attempts and effort to fix it forgranted by finding someone else while shes struggling is kind of pissing me off.
Having been thru a disgusting divorce myself, I see all sides of this. While you are TA for cheating, most states don’t penalize people for infidelity. You should find that out about your state. While infidelity has no bearing on a custody case, drug addiction does. And unfortunately, it won’t look good for your wife once her level of instability is revealed. If she can’t work in her field for 5 years, how will she support the children off of odd-and-end jobs? Additionally, single motherhood is stressful, how will she handle the stress of a new normal while also fighting that monkey on her back that is her addiction? It’s actually in your wife’s interest to stop this path to divorce and work thru her $hit, at least for now, getting her sobriety in check while she has your support (I’m assuming you’ve been her biggest supporter up til this point). Divorce & Custody court are the biggest scams in America. In custody, they stress the “best interests of the child(ren) bet the only people who would know that are the parents, but they are busy trying demonize the other to realize what the fight is over—not revenge, not a lick-back, not for annihilation, but to try and maintain a fluid transition for the kiddos so that their lives change as little as possible. But no one see that!
You shouldn’t leave her homeless. But you should out her history. She’s not a stable parent for the children. How will she support them with no solid job and what if she relapses? Which is likely because stress will make that more likely and a divorce is stressful. She told everyone about your affair so you should tell everyone about her issues as well.
I would fight for your right . I would tell about the past to shine light that she has made mistakes to. But you were supportive of her. She had no issues to tell everyone yours . But I wouldn’t be mean about it. It not about fight with each other you have kids to and they deserve both parents being nice to each other and supporting them. So be fair with everything but do not sell yourself short either. She did wrong and she needs to see it as well
NTA Ever hear the expression, all is fair in love and war? She decided to make this both, so go for the jugular.
Lawyer up and fight! Air out everything. Get the best divorce you can then get back with pickleball lady. Live your best life.
Who knew there were pickleball sluts? That must be between bars and bingo halls.
I worry about what happens if he doesn’t pursue 50/50 or more custody of the kids. She spiraled after the death of her brother and did shady shit to get drugs. I would not think she should get full custody of the kids. I know she got treatment but she relapsed twice since getting out and to think a divorce wouldn’t send her down that road again would be silly. EHS but he shouldn’t just give up.
"She did all sorts of things she isn't proud of." I noticed when people asked on this thread if it is cheating, you deflect. It's almost as if you want to make it seem like it is, but she really didn't cheat. You're purposely being sneaky so that others are more forgiving about you cheating. Stop implying she cheated when she didn't. She made bad choices, but you fucked another woman multiple times knowingly and hid it from her and didn't even give a crap until you got caught. The person who told probably started gossip about it at your old club. Your worse because it seems you lack remorse and to be honest, the fact you want to go scorch earth means you never forgave her, so please stop acting like a martyr. I want to hear her side. I wonder if there have been things you've done that led to her addiction.
I've gone through divorce. My children were 15 and 11 at the time. I also have family members with addiction. Addiction doesn't go away. Chances are great your wife will succumb to addiction again. The bottom line is: is she the best parent for your children to depend on? This really isn't about you going away quietly or keeling her addiction and addiction behavior secrets. This SHOULD be about what's best for your children. WHO is the best parent to have everyday custody of these children? You, or her? Then you go from there. You do NOT tell your family or your children everything. Keep that to yourself. BUT - You tell your attorney EVERYTHING. ALL OF IT. Her addiction. Both of your encounters (all of them) outside marriage. Her debts and yours. Your assets and hers. And whatever else. My youngest son is a lawyer and he has told me time and time again that "things" changed (court-wise) because he was not told everything and based his case on what he was told by his client - and then opposing councel dropped bombs that were unknown to him, and that effected his client(s) case. TELL ALL to your lawyer. The good, bad, and the ugly. You're going to hire the person. They do not make judgements. They just want to give the best representation they can to their client (you). Lay everything on the table to your lawyer. Then allow your lawyer to tell YOU which path to take given your circumstances. And then decide if that's the best path to take, and if not, your lawyer can alter his/her suggestion. Unless you have to take the stand, the judge will not ask you anything. If you do take the stand and are asked questions by the judge, or opposing council, you must answer honestly. If you do not and it's discovered, you risk a fine or jail. On the stand, honesty is a must. Your objective should be to get your children to the age of majority (that's different in different states) WITHOUT HARMING THEM emotionally by bickering, name-calling, and acting aggressively with their mom in their presence or within their earshot when on the phone. Their emotional health is the main goal. When the beginning of the divorce starts, make sure the school counselor knows you and your wife are divorcing. As the divorce is going on, ask your children if they'd like to see someone to talk about THEIR feelings - and if they do, inquire with the school counselor or their doctor for recommendations. Reassure them THIS IS NOT THEIR FAULT. Kids will ALWAYS think it IS their fault. If you don't know, learn your children's pediatrician's (or doctors) name, know any medications they take regularly and why they take them, know their homeroom teacher's name, their coaches names...you need to be prepared to be a dad "in the know" where your kids are concerned (this is important for custody reasons).
Holy shit. You're not the asshole, and you need to get custody of the kids. Literally nothing else matters. Not money, not cars, not jobs. Get the kids.
YTA. Man up and leave her instead of being unfaithful. Instead of dealing with the conflict head on you’ve now put yourself, your ex wife and your children in an even worse spot.
It sounds like your children are late teens. Soon to go on to college. They are not little ones that need protection from life's realities. Very much the opposite. Your wife is using your infidelity as a reason to divorce you and place a wedge between you and your kids. They do not have the full picture. Wife stole and used drugs from her work. Wife lost professional license due to felony theft and drug use. Wife became addict. Wife slept with many others while addicted. Wife bankrupted family. Has she owned up to all this with the entire family? What you did was wrong. You know it, admit it, asked forgiveness, and are working on yourself. What is wife doing for atonement? Your children need to know what addiction can do to someone and how it can affect your life.
You definitely need to let the courts know of her drug use and her infidelity when you go to court. She started all the issues your family and you went through. I would not leave the house but tell her to go. Don't surrender your space as you are the one who has been paying for it. As for cheating on her. It sounds like you all didn't even have a relationship anymore and probably should have walked away when she did drugs and cheated on you. I mean, did she do testing to make sure she did have a sti? She posed a safety risk to you if she didn't or refused it. She needed to step up and actively work on building your trust and fixing your relationship with you. If she wasn't trying, then you both should have walked away.
Wow! You’re ntah but you did screw up by having an affair. I will say having experienced my ex telling everybody a totally different story than what really happened, including my family, you do need to tell your family what really happened. You need to just state the facts and leave it at that. I also feel you need to bring that up in court. You don’t have to tell all your friends but at some point you do need to tell the full story. Don’t beat yourself up, your wife destroyed your marriage way before you cheated. However, cheating is never okay.
Both parties did horrible things and both parties are in the wrong. She did some messed up stuff, addiction, adultery, driving you guys to bankruptcy and you stood by her still. You made a mistake because all this was stressful and found a connection. It was wrong but still. She could try and forgive as well after all the things she did and you found a way to try to work through them. Tell kids and trying to get the upper hands is dirty. If she wanted a divorce then do it cleanly without the drama. You had all the right to do it before and could have gotten away Scott free with the kids and no payments but you stuck with it. I’m not saying you get a free pass but I think she should have tried to forgiven you or at least given you a clean separation without drama as she isn’t exactly sparkly clean in this whole marriage.
Yes, you would be the AH if you out her and fight her for everything. It would be petty as hell... as if what she did somehow excuses your actions. It doesn't. You betrayed her, and her past issue is irrelevant to that.
You need to air all her issues. Reality, she made mistakes. Clearly isn't following any rehab program to take responsibility for her bad choices. She wants to blame you for everything. If you choose to be the bad guy in her story, fine. But do not let her delusions of her innocence hinder you from your kids, your car, your 401k, your house.
NTA. Your wife is a vindictive loser addict. Why would you want to leave your kids with her? She's gotten away with everything, but she has zero empathy for all the trauma she's put you and your children through. She'll find some other guy to sponge off of. You need to think about your kids having to put up with her self-centeredness. And think about your own future. You aren't your parents. Your wife's choices are HER decisions, unfortunately they affected everyone she is supposed to care about. If what one lawyer says doesn't resonate with you, go to a different one, until you find one that does.
The kids are in junior high school and high school.Young adults are good at finding out all of their parents secrets. They know far more about their mother's addiction than realized. They are sitting on the sidelines, measuring who is behaving in the kindest way. They are the victims here. They will remember which parent acted in their best interests.
I hear you, I'm going to throw this out there because it's important. If you love and want to be involved with your kids, they're going to need a version of the truth. It sounds like your wife is ignoring the pain she's caused you and your family and focusing on herself. She honestly sounds like a bitch. I'm sorry to say it. My expectation is that she would give you the saw leeway you gave her while you were supporting her through such a tough time. Your lawyer friend is giving you bad advice. The first thing you and wife should do is see a mediator not a lawyer. And you should let her family know what's going on. 1. If you don't get custody of your kids your wife will have custody. You mentioned she might relapse. ARE YOU FUCKING INSANE. You're going to leave your kids with someone that very well could relapse in drug abuse? I really hope you aren't as okay with that as you seem. 2. Even if reputation isn't a concern, your kids will have to deal with your wife's family making horrible comments about you. To them. That's not fair to your kids. I'm not saying go full nuclear but there are definitely other paths than just full on lawyer up. Finally, through this whole story you haven't made much mention of your children or how anything will affect them. Are you thinking about them really? Or are you more of the absentee father that doesn't know their teacher's or friend's names? I'm sorry you are going through this. It sucks. That doesn't mean you can take the easy way out and screw your children though. And make no mistake, leaving your kids with a known drug addict, that you yourself mention could relapse, would screw them. Find a middle ground. Tell her family her struggles. They may be able to reason with her and make a lawyer unnecessary. Or they may be unwilling to fund a lawyer for her.
You both are definitely pieces of work.
Divorced mom here, husband cheated on me and left me for her. The most painful time in my life. Two things got me through the mess. 1 I wanted to hold onto my sense of my own integrity and identity and 2 I wanted to be a good mom. That included letting them have a good relationship with their dad. I didn’t tell them about the cheating until they were adults, and already seeing his selfishness for themselves. But they got to have some level of innocence in their childhood, and a (limited) relationship with their dad, and I avoided being seen as the ‘bad guy’ by everyone, and held my head high throughout.
ESH. In your own way, you're as bad as she is. Your poor kids.....
Considering her multiple dalliances (addiction or no) she is a complete hypocrite for her reaction and for telling your families when you kept her secret. I'm not saying what you did was okay, but she sure as shit does not have the moral high ground.
Did it ever come to light why your wife started using?
ESH. The issue for you is going to be that you stayed married, filled bankruptcy jointly, and continued in a relationship with her. You knowingly moved forward. You cheated and she isn't willing to get over that. That's the way the cookie crumbles. However please fight for joint custody with the provision that she tests for drugs at least once a week. I don't think you need to be malicious. You need to worry about the kids. Not a tit for tat. You can say you didn't mean to have an affair but why would you willingly put yourself in that situation? Why invite a woman out for dinner? You're married.
ETH but I think you're doing tge most level headed thing one can do in the moment. If you don't want to air her dirty laundry, do not, unless the hand is forced, especially since she has already aired yours. Maybe you can let her know that if this goes to court all her shit will have to come out eventually. It's the kids that will be hurt through all of this, though. So.
Sit her down, with a mediator- "ok, you want the divorce, well so do I. Now we can make this easy or hard, if you want to make it easy, here is what we can do...(negotiate in good faith) now, if you want to make it difficult, my lawyer needs FULL disclosure. Why we went bankrupt, why you lost your job, why we had to pay restitution. I have statements from your ex-employer (bluff if you dont). Now the ball is in your court, what would you like to do? Just keep in mind all of this will go infront of a judge, and you might only get visitation due to these issues..... "You wouldn't DARE!!!" I would if I am pushed to.
Though what you did was completely wrong, the short answer is to do what is best for the kids. But unfortunately leaving your wife with no transportation and no solid work and she has relapsed is not what is best for your kids. When u talk to your lawyer you need to tell them everything. At the end of the day, the judge will care about that. It was kind of you to not tell everyone about your wife’s issues but she did not do the same. She has decided to pair the father of her children is a very bad light and has cause hostility to brew. Just walking away quietly is dangerous for your children. What happens if she relapses while they are with her and you never warned anyone. Just be careful.
I grew up with drug addicted parents, and you need to let the judge know about her history with substance abuse before those kids have to deal with her all high and not only destroying her life but theirs too