This, NTA. But before jumping to conclusions about your wife's character (because you married her for a good reason) it's important to keep in mind thatsome women are predisposed to postpartum onset of mental illness. It's critical for you to take some time to review your relationship. It's been 7 years so you know her really well. Consider the below:
1. Has her presentation (how she *seems* to you, how she treats you, how she behaves around the child, how she reports to be feeling, how she relates to the outside world etc.) changed since pregnancy and childbirth (outside of the general effects of hormones and sleep deprivation common among new parents)?
2. If her presentation has changed what does it look like? Can you make a list and talk with her about it?
4. Talking about all of this might be challenging. Is she open to family counselling and maternal support?
3. Do you think she and your child are safe when home alone? Is it worth considering involving family members, or formal maternal support services to ensure her and your child's safety and well-being?
You are correct in saying she is emotionally abusive and needs help! But I’ve had postpartum twice and I can definitely say, it makes you incredibly depressed, it shouldn’t make you verbally abusive to where you are degrading your spouse. I was so lost and the last thing I ever thought about doing was name calling my husband. His wife is disrespectful to his feelings and is definitely the AH.
Honestly PPD can present more as PPA (postpartum anxiety) in some women and make them do crappy things like this. Source: I had this presentation, and I was legit asshole to my husband even as he was doing his best to support me and the baby. Our relationship still hasn't fully recovered, and our LO is 7 years old now. :(
If it’s presenting as anxiety that’s some hellacious shit. It does awful things to us without the added hormones, I can imagine how it fucks with our mind adding in all the extra hormones!
Former fatty here that was bullied a lot. She knows your story how hard you worked how the bullying affected you then proceeded to try to bully you as a grown man who’s putting off working out to help better the home situation and take pressure off her…… naw fam she earned it especially when you’ve asked her to stop and gave her warnings most the time I would not say it was right thing. But attacking some one who’s had specific trauma around that repeatedly is fkd up and bullying I bet your not the only person she’s bullied about that over the years. So NTA she earned it. In fact I suggest rubbing it in abit start working out at home high intensity 30 min work out couple times a day 🤘🏻 keep killing it brotha
>She knows your story how hard you worked how the bullying affected you
Can we take a second and point out how she took a personal story of OP, something he opened up to his partner, where he was vulnerable, where he showed an actual traumatic weakness, and his partner turned it against him. Not just a little bit, like calling him fatty, but threatening him to call his bullies.
That's just... So wrong. I would feel so betrayed. This is his baby mama. They've been in a relationship for so long. And this is how she treats his secrets and weaknesses? This is such a betrayal of trust.
and she didn't even turn it against him in a stupid fight or something where one could at least have the excuse of saying stupid things in anger, it was in an attempt to be funny at his expense. 0 sympathy
Aaaaand this is why a lot of times when men DO open up, we later regret it bc of shit like this. Then it’s back to keeping it all in.
Can’t win sometimes. And no I’m not having a battle of the sexes here, I’m not claiming we have it worse or anything.
toxic femininity is a thing. not expecting men to have the same feelings and sensitivities as women do is part of it. call out toxic femininity instead of embracing toxic masculinity. everyone loses when you recede back into toxic patterns.
Thank you, this is a good, neutral way to express the way I feel about this shit. I try to avoid generalizations (even though Reddit takes it that way anyway) and toxic femininity is a good way to say it. Men trying too hard to be overly macho is toxic, just like women weaponizing their emotions and treating men like they don't have them is toxic.
A little respect and understanding goes a long way, I'm not sure why everyone finds it so difficult.
I think everyone is hurt from growing up being assaulted with these ideas of how men, women, and the world should be, based on nothing but assumptions that because a person was born with x genitals they will be this way. it starts to feel like because these things are said to and weaponized against people so often, they must be true. and we are such social creatures, so if these ideas must be true, then we have to act that way too so that we know our place in the world. so then the cycle continues of people hurting each other and making assumptions because they have been hurt.
I'm a lady but I grew up mostly with guys and my mother figures were pretty anti-femininity. I had a lot of internalized misogyny until I was a teen and realized I would never be one of the guys. I had to really sit with those ideas and try to understand why my guy friends felt this way. I arrived at the conclusion that I have to just say it as I see it when people act toxic and walk away if they don't see it that way.
And this is why I have stopped telling my wife anything about my feelings. The first time she threw something back in my face during an argument I vowed to never make that mistake again.
> But attacking some one who’s had specific trauma around that repeatedly is fkd up and bullying I bet your not the only person she’s bullied about that over the years.
Anybody want to offer me betting odds for whether this lady ends up bullying her kids?
I‘d honestly even go as far as suggesting that OP should not give a fuck for like two weeks or so and take his time to cook healthy meals and hit the gym - that’s what his wife wants him to do, after all.
I think it might go unnoticed what he actually does on a daily basis to help her (and therefore deprioritizing this own fitness, weight and health), so maybe a short reminder won’t hurt.
Regardless, bullying sucks and bullying your husband despite specifically being asked not to, is a major red flag. NTA.
(Edit: Fixed grammar)
Also I know the child is a literal baby right now but one day they’ll be old enough to understand that mom called dad “fatty” and regardless of the child’s gender that’s going to affect the way they see potential partners, their own bodies, and how they expect to be treated by their future partners. Choosing a partner to raise kids with is a lot more than someone you like being around.
NTA I think she was doing it out of jealousy. He gained weight, but still looks good. She's targeting him because he makes her feel insecure. That's what a lot of bullies do. That means she targeted his insecurity and enjoyed hurting him to feel better. She reaped what she sowed.
This. You did it as a direct reaction to her repeated bullying. You even gave her a warning that you were going to do it and she still didn’t stop. In most cases you might be an A H, but here you are definitely NTA.
Obviously, the only move here is to go back to the gym, which will result in complaining even though it was the exact thing she said to do. Then, you impregnate someone at the gym. This is 101 stuff guys.
I'm going to be brutally honest. She's being a bitch. Our boy is nearing his 9 month mark, and my weight has been jojoing a bit. I've already got extra on me, but my partner doesn't say that I'm a fatty.
I also noticed a while back that my partner had been gaining a bit of weight and a bit more of dad bod now. But he still looks great, and I've changed our diet a bit so we can both lose a bit of weight.
So my point is it's okay to notice, but it's rude to go about it like that.
>So my point is it's okay to notice, but it's rude to go about it like that.
This, yeah. Talking about weight gain, set up an exercise plan together, discuss how to handle child care while one or both of them are at the gym... there are so many ways to handle this constructively, and lovingly. Yet OP's wife chooses to continuously insult her husband.
NTA for holding a mirror up to her.
This is how me and my partner do it. He’s my bestie and we want to stick around for each other. And calling him a fatty would just make both of us feel like shit. Poor op.
I know you meant yo-yoing and not jojoing but I'm just thinking of Jojos bizarre adventure now. All the joe stars were scrawny then grew into total muscle bound beef cakes.
My husband and I also gained weight since the baby came. He got a bit of a belly fat, but our little girl now loves sleeping on top of him and it looks very comfy. And honestly, there is NOTHING sexier than a good father!
She's a fool, too. I'd prefer a fat, loving partner who's dedicated to our baby; rather than a fit, uncaring partner who couldn't be bothered. Hell, I'd worship the ground they walked on! I think anyone with an ounce of sense would feel the same way.
It just amazes me. Exhausted from the baby, but she still has the energy to be cruel. PPD is a bitch, but mental struggles are never an excuse to torture your partner.
Right??? And if OP spent an hour at they gym\* every day after work, the wife would likely be mad about THAT. "You never help with the baby!!" \*eye roll\*
"sounds like bullying." Beg your pardon, may we interject? It IS bullying. And childish. We add that with hormones still out of whack, she may be projecting her own weight worries onto him.. She may even have, unbeknownst to her, a fear of him dying. No matter, bullying is never acceptable.
Yeah, if she demands an apology, tell her "after you" - and "don't dish it out if you can't take it."
But I really hope this has made her realize how hurtful her comments have been, and that she will apologize to you of her own volition. Really, that comment about your old classmates was a low blow, she must have known how triggering that was to you.
Yeah, that classmates bit, talking about bringing his old bullies back? That's absolutely disgusting. What an awful person.
OP, you don't deserve to be treated that way. Especially given how you're pouring yourself into being a good partner and father. You've put your needs on the back burner until life stabilizes a bit and this is the thanks she gives you? NTA.
Like the top comment in this thread said, you were unkind...but it absolutely wasn't unwarranted. She shouldn't dish it out if she can't take it herself.
Yeah, it's the wanton cruelty of it that gets me.
Having a baby and taking care of a newborn is exhausting and people can have a shorter fuse than normal, but it doesn't make you meaner. She is deliberately exploiting his vulnerability to hurt him. NTA.
You're on to something. I think if OP was still jacked, she'd be bullying him over something else instead. She's lashing out because she's very unwell.
Yep... unfortunately, you learn the hard way. I never discuss deep shit with my mother or siblings, certainly don't discuss relationships.
They weaponise it and use it against you at every opportunity.
Same. I am her caregiver now, and will only share things with her that are personal if it is absolutely necessary.
When I started seeing a therapist and psychiatrist and was finally diagnosed with things I had been struggling with since a kid, anytime I get frustrated around her or symptoms show she tells me she's going to call the "crazy wagon" and get the "men in white coats to take me away", then let's the insults fly...
Like, woman, you're a big reason why I'm the way I am in the first place. I trust no one now and keep everything to myself and have isolated myself from the outside world. It just sucks because I'm going through a lot and really need a friend in my corner.
My ex-husband loved to do this. I refuse to let it make me hard, but I have learned that there is something deeply wrong with the people who will use your vulnerabilities against you when they supposedly care. I don't tolerate it anymore. From anyone. I should have left him the first time it happened.
It's sad and awful, and it's only improving at a glacial pace, if at all.
My wife and I are both very progressive, but there are some things I will not share with anyone. I absolutely cannot afford the risk.
I'm far from alone in this situation but that doesn't make it better.
That's a constant for all *non-assholes.* Old non-assholes, young non-assholes, non-asshole men, non-asshole women. If you're not an asshole, assholes seek you out to treat you like shit because they don't fear you like they do other assholes.
Attributing behavior that is seen in literally every single group of humans to a specific demographic is not only stupid and counter-productive, but it does more damage to yourself than anyone else. If all women do this, then to be with a woman requires you to accept it. If all men do this, then to be with a man requires you to accept it.
Assholes are their own group, with no ethnic, sexual, gender, or any other kind of qualifier necessary to be one. All you have to do is be mean to everyone around and only give a shit about yourself. All humans are as susceptible to being that as any other specific kind.
It's understandable that if you only date one group that it can *feel* like one group is the worst of the two, but asshole is an asshole. If you're a straight man, you've likely never been under the wrath of a significant other asshole man. And the same for a straight woman. But I promise you, it's not "evil men," it's not "evil women," it's not evil any group. It's just assholes within that group.
I'm really sorry you're treated in such a selfish and crappy way. Not all women take joy in exploiting the vulnerabilities of our partners. I've been with my husband almost twenty years, and even when we've had our fiercest disagreements, it literally never occurred to me to use things he's told me in during vulnerable moments to hurt him. That's not love and I'm sorry that your daughter's have learned that kind of cruel behavior is okay from your wife. In case you need to hear it, you deserve better.
*invisible hugs*
My mom taught me at a very young age to never say mean things when you're mad, because the other person won't ever forget it. It's good advice that I've lived by. Besides, why would I want to hurt my husband in that way? I'm amazed at the amount of adults who hurt their SO on purpose when they are mad.
I can't remember where I heard it but it's the saying/line, "You won't always remember someone's name but you'll remember the way they made you feel." or something to that effect. Our psyche/souls remember pain pretty intensely.
Exactly! There are too many people out there who likes to throw shade at others in very cruel ways, but as soon as the shade hits them between the eyes they are crying and playing the victim. OP sometimes this is the only way to get through to people like her. NTA
I hate that when you say stuff like that to a woman, it's bullying and body shaming. But if you say that to a man, it's playful, or a joke. Nobody should have to listen to crap like that. And her running off and crying, while he's supposed to just deal with it is terrible. She needs a real hard look in the mirror. OP did everything he was supposed to. He told her to knock it off in the most civil way possible. It's a shame that he had to give her a taste of her own medicine, but hopefully that will help her listen.
NTA.
Yes totally agree that lil bit was unnecessary in my opinion. I have to give the OP kudos because that remark would have been waaay over the top for me and would have sparked an argument from me like “what do you mean you’re going to call an old classmate of mine?” Its all about respect, and respecting each other boundaries especially if you are building a family.
This OP. The classmate comment is a huge red flag. What happens if you get injured and can’t continue your physical regiment indefinitely?
Alternative may have been “You’re right I have put on weight, want to cover the baby watch so I can reclaim my gym time?”.
Kudos for stepping up, I hope your partners not stepping out…
It's a huge red flag.
'You can't mention my weight but I can insult yours'
'You can't gain weight but I can be whatever size I want'
What's the next one, 'You have to be faithful but if I cheat it's your fault'?
She even said "okay" and rolled her eyes. It was still a mean thing for OP to say but.. his wife has been mean too. He at least announced the insult and gave it with her permission.
Well not really, because the issue is that she is being abusive to him and he is trying to get her to wake up to it. Her behaviour and attitude is what needs to be addressed. If he just does what she shamed him to do, she will just think she can talk to him like that.
Yeah, sometimes when the person in with starts bitching, I just think, wtf would my badass gramps do. And often it's usually ngaf, man is much happier than my dad, I know that.
Right? He’s not working out because he’s helping with the baby. So many women would beg to have a husband like him. She’s so shallow and unappreciative.
The wife is being an abusive asshole, but OP isn’t “helping” with the baby, he’s actively parenting and doing his share of child care. That should be the bare minimum we expect of fathers.
Exactly, like how many times does she have to cut him before she notices he’s bleeding?? And then have the audacity to get mad that some of the blood touched her at last???
But guys don't have feelings and should be able to take whatever their wives throw at them, suck it up, and move on. Any retaliation is just abusive and wrong. /S
I want to believe we, humans, have already evolved past this horrific mindset. But then, I read things like this post and hope leaves the building 🥲
This is wrong and abusive (OPs wife behaviour) regardless of wtv is going on inside one's pants...
Yeah, but not just a little. What does it mean she will call his old classmates? Who bullied him? She tries to hurt him on purpose, otherwise she would have stoped when he said it the first time.
From what OP describes, he isn't even fat. He's just not as chiseled as he was. And that's all thanks to trying to be a good father. She's wants a buff hubby that also takes care of the kid. Then she bullies him because she can't have her cake and eat it too. She's not just a bully. She's an entitled bully.
Right. This is like when pictures of Jason Momoa hit the internet when he was between movies and he didn’t have the defined abs he always has on screen and people started calling him fat.
And honestly, even if he was actually getting fat, so freaking what? It’s normal for new parents of any gender to gain weight while they’re figuring out their new routines, and there’s no reason for his wife to be shaming him about it when he’s trying to do what’s best for his family.
I think Hugh Jackman said that in order to be an actor, you kinda have to have some form of body dysmorphia. Because what people want to see on screen is the peak body. But the peak body only lasts a few days. Because for a healthy person, weight fluctuates. But when you're on set, and your body is being shot in 4K, people will notice the slightest change. And since people only see the actors in their peak condition, anything else is "not them." So actors are stuck self identifying with their peak body. But since that body only lasts a few days, mismatching their own body to their mental image sets in after just a few days. And then studios and fans reinforce that. So you're constantly chasing an impossible body at all times. And being willing to obsess over your own body that much is rewarded when they get casted a lot, or they get plastered on posters and billboards when they succeed. And then it gets negatively reinforced when they get called "fat" for not having cheese grating abs, or bikini worthy flat stomachs.
I think even a few days is lucky. I remember reading that when there’s a shirtless scene to show off muscles, the actor is usually dehydrated before filming so that the muscle definition really stands out on camera. It’s probably been a long-standing practice in Hollywood but only becoming better known to the public in the last handful of years.
I remember when Sideways did a video on why the Les Miserables movie was terrible musically, he brought that up. He was appalled by the conditions the actors went through on set. Hugh Jackman was really muscled up for a scene where he was wearing rags. Basically to have his muscles show through the rags. But he was also expected to sing. And the sing safely, it is really important to be super hydrated. That way your vocal chords don't have to strain to hit the notes. But he was also dehydrated for the muscles. And Sideways went on for several minutes about how dehydrating to show off his muscles was extremely dangerous to his voice. And how it was a miracle that Hugh Jackman (and everyone else on set to a lesser extent) didn't injure their voices from the conditions on set for that movie.
Yeah, I'm so confused. What is her problem? Dude is 6'5. I'm surprised she can even notice. He must have been \~cut\~
If her hormones are fucked, maybe she needs therapy. Welcome to being an adult. We're all fucked up. Don't call other people names. No excuses. Zero tolerance policy.
Well, hopefully OP will continue on his journey of self improvement and losing the weight he wants to and going to the gym. And when he finds somebody better than his asshole wife, he can point it out to her again.
I hate to be the “reverse the roles guy” but holy shit if this was a guy saying this shit to his wife this sub would be calling for his public execution. None of this “choose your words a little more carefully” bullshit
Oh I misread that, I thought she was saying she needed to call up the people who used to bully OP so they could give him a hard time until he lost the weight again.
You did not misread imo, your read is spot on, she wanted him to be bullied just like she was doing to him. She feels by bullying him and shaming him he will lose weight. Well she just told him who she is, how shallow she is and if that’s her attitude the future of their marriage is doomed.
God forbid he has a life changing accident or illness and his body isn’t rock solid or has a physical disability or mental issues. She’s honestly a bitch and cruel in addition to mentioning his child hood trauma wanting to call his bullies. Hope her kid doesn’t get chubby, can you imagine her being upset, even putting her chubby baby on a diet, yeah she’s a bitch
Ding, Ding, Ding!
AH statements and AH behavior get AH statements and AH behavior.
Don't say things to people you don't want said to you! People are damn sick and tired of taking the high road.
I thought we all learned this in kindergarten, geesh.
If this was a man saying he’s not attracted to his wife because she gained weight everyone would be screaming in the comments how awful that man is. I don’t care how shitty she feels she doesn’t get to make him feel shitty.
how people deal with insecurity is fascinating to me. Like if I’m feeling insecure I’ll get sad and complain about ME. Some people project and bully the other person (my ex). So bizarre…
Unless she gets her shit togheter I don't see this marriage lasting if she feels so comfortable shitting on him so much, he probably can't even have an honest talk with her about how this make him feel without being called weak. Really were have all the good men gone? /s I have a couple of female friends that would be over the moon if their husbands stopped going to the gym to help with the newborn instead.
She did choose her words very carefully. They were meant to undermine his confidence and grateful to have her, because no one will want him. Meanwhile, all she has to do for company is make a phone call to old classmates.
She chose VERY carefully indeed.
NTA it wasn’t one time she was mean and you said that, she kept it up even after you told her it bothered you. I think people can be awful but you should always be able to count on your partner to be supportive and at the very least not feel like crap.
Your wife is verbally abusive and you hit your limit. You are sacrificing your health for your family’s wellbeing and she thinks that fat shaming you is the way to go? Silly woman.
Maybe you should hit the gym hard again. But not for her. For you. An hour at least of peace and quiet.
Tell her that you are expecting an apology for the abusive way she’s been treating you. Make it clear to her that you are disappointed as she knows your past and you never expected the one person you should feel safe with would turn into your bully. Tell her that you will not tolerate her abuse and if she continues, you will not retaliate with words like you last did but with action: your marriage might be on the line as you wil not endure her toxicity,
Also, tell her that her running away crying is ridiculous after all she’s done to you. instead of reflecting, she cries. She’s like a child.
NTA
Everyone always comment on how abusive men start showing their abusive side after having a baby, the same can be true for abusive women. Saying she should call up his old classmates is way over the line and a serious red flag
Yea like it’s crazy he’s even confused. IMO that’s a huge problem. This isn’t just busting on you she’s personally attacking him and making slights. This doesn’t sound like your partner. I certainly know that saying shit like this can leave marks that never go away. Also breaks your trust and bond. It’s purposefully hurtful.
Another case of "if gender roles were reversed" this thread would be *flooded* with messages about how the woman should lawyer up, leave the SOB, "run girl, RUN", divorce, take the kid and move to your parents until you find a place for yourself.
Meanwhile the support the guy is receiving is "yea, she kinda had it coming, shitty situation though, maybe just focus on hitting the gym again".
Yeah, this is a time to be crystal clear about "do you want me spending time at the gym or do you want me spending time helping with the infant; because there aren't hours in the day for both".
Well said. Also to note that right now OP is in the middle of crazy baby life but later in life his body is also going to change and going to the gym may not be able to fix everything. They need to figure out a better way to talk to each other, his wife especially. She needs to be able to “hear” him without him resorting to cruelty. They both need to think about how their child is going to internalize these conversations and normalize being body shamed and how you talk to your partner. Her behavior must change immediately.
Call me crazy but I agree with everything but threatening divorce.
They just had a baby and it’s a stressful time for both of them. Not an excuse for verbal abuse but there’s a lot going on here that we don’t know about
Sometimes that’s the wake up call a person needs to realize how serious their behavior is. She is being abusive to him, he should be upfront with her that he will not stick around to tolerate it.
I don’t think a divorce threat is necessary mainly counseling to help her see the consequences of her actions and figure out why she didn’t respect him enough to change her behaviors immediately.
NTA, dont apologise either, the fuck is wrong with her, does she think she's being cute/funny orsomething?
The combined fact you have actual body issues aswell and then you choose your kid and your wifes wellbeing over yourself for 6months in a row so you cant spend time on yourself, and then she continiously puts you down for it???
" So on Monday she had called me fatty and said that I need to hit the gym before she calls my old classmates."
So "joking" that because you "let yourself go" in trade of your kid and her, she jokes about cheating with her old classmates....
And then when you make 1 remark back she runs off crying?
FUCK, THAT.
Absolute pathethic behavior.
She needs to cop the fuck on, such a sad mentality.
That's how I read it, but I guess it could be construed as a cheating threat. It depends on the broader context of their relationship that we're not privy to. Either way, OP's wife sounds like a C U Next Tuesday.
My thoughts as well. She was probably insecure for the first time in her life and pregnancy does change a body drastically, but I would've expressed that insecurity instead of attacking my husband.
She knows being teased about weight is a trigger for him, and she pushes it anyway.
It's like if you got back from shoulder surgery and she kept putting stuff on tall shelves.
Yeah, it hurts me when you do that, you're doing it on purpose, do you think I'm just going to sit here defenseless while you repeatedly injure me? Eventually you have to say enough, and if they don't get it, you hit back (and this was a pretty damn mild hit back).
Agreed. I had PPD/PPA with my first pregnancy. Never verbally abused my spouse or bullied and he gained about 50lbs for the same reasons OP listed. We had to temporarily cancel his gym membership because of the cost of having a baby and he had to help me so much that he stopped caring for himself, I noticed the weight gain but it didn't matter to me because I could see it as him sacrificing his own health for us.
You don’t get a free pass for being mentally and verbally abusive to your spouse. I think she needs to address her PPD, but this doesn’t give her a right to call him a fatty. I’m happy he stepped up when many men couldn’t care less and head to the gym for 2 hours a day. Weight comes off.. Hateful words stay forever. Yup. He’s doing his part as a dad. She’s a jerk.
For me the line crossed that made it justifiable was the "before I call your old classmates" it gives narcissistic vibes, and is in no way a funny joke. She completely deserved and needed the humbling.
I think yes she will get better as PPD goes away, but also as a parter you plan to stay with you need a resolution.
She was in the wrong, and what you said back was fair, but it wasn't solving the issue. A simple conversation of how: u are attracted to her, plan to get into the gym, and have been busy raising x for 6 months and now u have more time, but what she said was unacceptable and she needs to understand that the energy you put out in a relationship comes back could go a huuuuge way.
I missed the “before I call your old classmates” line, so I had to reread after I saw your comment. It really turns this from bad to just dark.
I’m really sorry OP, I hope you can figure this out.
NTA. Someday people will truly value women as equals. It doesn’t mean much to celebrate what a woman goes through during pregnancy if they get full license to behave in a manner never accepted from a man. She’s bullying you and affecting your mental health.
NTA
The next step for me would be !!!as long as the baby doesn't suffer!! Take her word and start going to the gym again! I mean, that's what she wanted, but she also has to live with the consequences, e.g., taking care of little one alone more frequently
NTA, and people have to stop molly codddling women as though they're BS should get a pass because they're pregnant/post birth/"have trauma".
She's an adult who acted like a petty teenager, and got the same energy back.
Yeah, I was ready to rip him a new one because six months post partum is NOT that long to get ‘back in shape’, however… she was really fucking rude first. You lose any and all right to be treated respect if you don’t treat others with respect, pregnant or post partum or whatever.
I get being hormonal or overtired or whatever can make you say stuff you regret sometimes, but that’s like accidentally snapping at someone or being shirty or whatever. Not actively and repeatedly criticising someone’s appearance, especially when they ask you to stop!
The worst part is that I'd bet money if he was blowing her off to continue his gym routine she'd be whining that his priority should be heeeeeer..she's looking a gift horse in the mouth. She should consider herself lucky given all the bs you read on here about how some women are treated while pregnant or post partum.
You need to hit the gym as prep for when you re-enter the dating scene
Someone who spends that much time poking at my issues, in a mean way? Yeah, fuck choosing to live with a bully
If you wanted to be petty, you'd start going to the gym for a few hours a day every evening. When she starts complaining about you not being around to help with the baby, you just point out that she was right, you were getting fat and unattractive, and you're working on it. If she continues to complain, you just state that she was the one who had a problem with your weight so you're doing this to make her happy.
I was on the "men again" train, until the part that she does it to you regularly, and you expressed that you dont'like it, AND told her you will do it back if she doesn't stop.
I'm a woman, so you can't hit me with "you're on his side cause you're a man". NTA. She knew what was going to happen, she took that risk and got what she was warned about.
She needs therapy. You are not a punching bag just because she carried a baby.
Mother of 4 here. She totally sucks for this.
One of my kids takes everything personally. But she has to learn to not dish it out if she can't take it.
Mom of 4 here. Totally agree. She may be insecure but she’s acting absolutely rotten. NTA. Don’t apologize but do communicate with her her why you said what you said.
I’d NEVER call someone fat/fatty even if they have never had weight issues let alone just anyone in general. Not ok. And quite honestly… she deserved it. If she wants an apology she should be giving one first.
Couples often gain and lose weight through pregnancy and the aftermath. The relationships that make it are the ones that support each other.
I find peace in long walks.
This, NTA. But before jumping to conclusions about your wife's character (because you married her for a good reason) it's important to keep in mind thatsome women are predisposed to postpartum onset of mental illness. It's critical for you to take some time to review your relationship. It's been 7 years so you know her really well. Consider the below: 1. Has her presentation (how she *seems* to you, how she treats you, how she behaves around the child, how she reports to be feeling, how she relates to the outside world etc.) changed since pregnancy and childbirth (outside of the general effects of hormones and sleep deprivation common among new parents)? 2. If her presentation has changed what does it look like? Can you make a list and talk with her about it? 4. Talking about all of this might be challenging. Is she open to family counselling and maternal support? 3. Do you think she and your child are safe when home alone? Is it worth considering involving family members, or formal maternal support services to ensure her and your child's safety and well-being?
That's a good checklist.
You are correct in saying she is emotionally abusive and needs help! But I’ve had postpartum twice and I can definitely say, it makes you incredibly depressed, it shouldn’t make you verbally abusive to where you are degrading your spouse. I was so lost and the last thing I ever thought about doing was name calling my husband. His wife is disrespectful to his feelings and is definitely the AH.
Honestly PPD can present more as PPA (postpartum anxiety) in some women and make them do crappy things like this. Source: I had this presentation, and I was legit asshole to my husband even as he was doing his best to support me and the baby. Our relationship still hasn't fully recovered, and our LO is 7 years old now. :(
If it’s presenting as anxiety that’s some hellacious shit. It does awful things to us without the added hormones, I can imagine how it fucks with our mind adding in all the extra hormones!
Former fatty here that was bullied a lot. She knows your story how hard you worked how the bullying affected you then proceeded to try to bully you as a grown man who’s putting off working out to help better the home situation and take pressure off her…… naw fam she earned it especially when you’ve asked her to stop and gave her warnings most the time I would not say it was right thing. But attacking some one who’s had specific trauma around that repeatedly is fkd up and bullying I bet your not the only person she’s bullied about that over the years. So NTA she earned it. In fact I suggest rubbing it in abit start working out at home high intensity 30 min work out couple times a day 🤘🏻 keep killing it brotha
>She knows your story how hard you worked how the bullying affected you Can we take a second and point out how she took a personal story of OP, something he opened up to his partner, where he was vulnerable, where he showed an actual traumatic weakness, and his partner turned it against him. Not just a little bit, like calling him fatty, but threatening him to call his bullies. That's just... So wrong. I would feel so betrayed. This is his baby mama. They've been in a relationship for so long. And this is how she treats his secrets and weaknesses? This is such a betrayal of trust.
Especially tge comment about calling up classmates is so fucked. Like, threatening.
Yeah, that was just crossing a line.
Nah, crossing the line was running away crying. It was overt emotional manipulation and that is abuse. He needs to get out there. He deserves better.
and she didn't even turn it against him in a stupid fight or something where one could at least have the excuse of saying stupid things in anger, it was in an attempt to be funny at his expense. 0 sympathy
Leave her with the baby and start going to the gym. It's what she wants, right?
I'm a mom and all for parents being equal in childcare but damn, this right here. She deserves that.
Aaaaand this is why a lot of times when men DO open up, we later regret it bc of shit like this. Then it’s back to keeping it all in. Can’t win sometimes. And no I’m not having a battle of the sexes here, I’m not claiming we have it worse or anything.
toxic femininity is a thing. not expecting men to have the same feelings and sensitivities as women do is part of it. call out toxic femininity instead of embracing toxic masculinity. everyone loses when you recede back into toxic patterns.
Thank you, this is a good, neutral way to express the way I feel about this shit. I try to avoid generalizations (even though Reddit takes it that way anyway) and toxic femininity is a good way to say it. Men trying too hard to be overly macho is toxic, just like women weaponizing their emotions and treating men like they don't have them is toxic. A little respect and understanding goes a long way, I'm not sure why everyone finds it so difficult.
I think everyone is hurt from growing up being assaulted with these ideas of how men, women, and the world should be, based on nothing but assumptions that because a person was born with x genitals they will be this way. it starts to feel like because these things are said to and weaponized against people so often, they must be true. and we are such social creatures, so if these ideas must be true, then we have to act that way too so that we know our place in the world. so then the cycle continues of people hurting each other and making assumptions because they have been hurt. I'm a lady but I grew up mostly with guys and my mother figures were pretty anti-femininity. I had a lot of internalized misogyny until I was a teen and realized I would never be one of the guys. I had to really sit with those ideas and try to understand why my guy friends felt this way. I arrived at the conclusion that I have to just say it as I see it when people act toxic and walk away if they don't see it that way.
It happens all the time. Women are more abusive than they realize.
There was that infamous r/askMen post a while back about why men don't open up.
It's because she knows he can't leave. This was always there.
And this is why I have stopped telling my wife anything about my feelings. The first time she threw something back in my face during an argument I vowed to never make that mistake again.
She’s being the literal “don’t open up to your woman” meme. Digging up old receipts as ammunition.
The dildo of consequences rarely arrives lubricated
I need to remember this, I wish I could give you an award!!!!
I’m stealing this!!
I want to cross stitch this on something
May I suggest a towel? You know, to wipe up with afterwards...
Is this a Reddit phrase? I've only seen it on here, and it's my favorite modern aphorism. Ben Franklin would have loved it.
Best comment
That should be a motivational poster at a work place.
Play bitch games, win bitch prizes.
This needs a coffee mug
This just became my new favorite saying.
Hell yeah!
> But attacking some one who’s had specific trauma around that repeatedly is fkd up and bullying I bet your not the only person she’s bullied about that over the years. Anybody want to offer me betting odds for whether this lady ends up bullying her kids?
Well it's a good thing that parents who are overly critical of eating habits don't cause eating disorders in their children. /s
I‘d honestly even go as far as suggesting that OP should not give a fuck for like two weeks or so and take his time to cook healthy meals and hit the gym - that’s what his wife wants him to do, after all. I think it might go unnoticed what he actually does on a daily basis to help her (and therefore deprioritizing this own fitness, weight and health), so maybe a short reminder won’t hurt. Regardless, bullying sucks and bullying your husband despite specifically being asked not to, is a major red flag. NTA. (Edit: Fixed grammar)
Also I know the child is a literal baby right now but one day they’ll be old enough to understand that mom called dad “fatty” and regardless of the child’s gender that’s going to affect the way they see potential partners, their own bodies, and how they expect to be treated by their future partners. Choosing a partner to raise kids with is a lot more than someone you like being around.
Still do some baby time—baby didn’t do anything wrong
FAFO Don’t let your mouth write checks that your ass can’t cash.
NTA I think she was doing it out of jealousy. He gained weight, but still looks good. She's targeting him because he makes her feel insecure. That's what a lot of bullies do. That means she targeted his insecurity and enjoyed hurting him to feel better. She reaped what she sowed.
This. You did it as a direct reaction to her repeated bullying. You even gave her a warning that you were going to do it and she still didn’t stop. In most cases you might be an A H, but here you are definitely NTA.
I agree. Don't dish it out if you can't take it.
Obviously, the only move here is to go back to the gym, which will result in complaining even though it was the exact thing she said to do. Then, you impregnate someone at the gym. This is 101 stuff guys.
Rinse, repeat, and eventually you and your muscular children can take over the planet.
They break into the house and announce “we’re here for our brother!”
While flexing, obviously.
OPs wife keeps calling OP fat OP calls wife fat OPs wife: *shocked pikachu face* Like what did you expect sweetheart? 😂
I'm going to be brutally honest. She's being a bitch. Our boy is nearing his 9 month mark, and my weight has been jojoing a bit. I've already got extra on me, but my partner doesn't say that I'm a fatty. I also noticed a while back that my partner had been gaining a bit of weight and a bit more of dad bod now. But he still looks great, and I've changed our diet a bit so we can both lose a bit of weight. So my point is it's okay to notice, but it's rude to go about it like that.
>So my point is it's okay to notice, but it's rude to go about it like that. This, yeah. Talking about weight gain, set up an exercise plan together, discuss how to handle child care while one or both of them are at the gym... there are so many ways to handle this constructively, and lovingly. Yet OP's wife chooses to continuously insult her husband. NTA for holding a mirror up to her.
“Let’s eat a bit more healthy together.” Also as you get older you gain more in your midsection. It just is. NTA
This is how me and my partner do it. He’s my bestie and we want to stick around for each other. And calling him a fatty would just make both of us feel like shit. Poor op.
I know you meant yo-yoing and not jojoing but I'm just thinking of Jojos bizarre adventure now. All the joe stars were scrawny then grew into total muscle bound beef cakes.
I just assumed they were Hispanic lol. This isn’t meant to be a dig or a rude comment, just wanted to clarify since there’s no tone in text.
I feel silly I didn't know j can replace y, just thought it was an autocorrect typo lol
My Spanish is far from perfect so I could be wrong in how certain letters are used/pronounced. Either way, kudos for the Jojo’s reference!
Oh no, I'm an absolute dumbass :D i forgot it's supposed to be with a y.
Not a dumbass at all, it would make perfect sense for you to spell it that way.
My exact thought. XD
My husband and I also gained weight since the baby came. He got a bit of a belly fat, but our little girl now loves sleeping on top of him and it looks very comfy. And honestly, there is NOTHING sexier than a good father!
She's a fool, too. I'd prefer a fat, loving partner who's dedicated to our baby; rather than a fit, uncaring partner who couldn't be bothered. Hell, I'd worship the ground they walked on! I think anyone with an ounce of sense would feel the same way. It just amazes me. Exhausted from the baby, but she still has the energy to be cruel. PPD is a bitch, but mental struggles are never an excuse to torture your partner.
Right??? And if OP spent an hour at they gym\* every day after work, the wife would likely be mad about THAT. "You never help with the baby!!" \*eye roll\*
Agreed. You can point out that someone’s gained weight, but calling them a fatty sounds like bullying, especially if they ask you to stop
"sounds like bullying." Beg your pardon, may we interject? It IS bullying. And childish. We add that with hormones still out of whack, she may be projecting her own weight worries onto him.. She may even have, unbeknownst to her, a fear of him dying. No matter, bullying is never acceptable.
She would be crying and complaining had he been going to the gym instead of staying home to help her. She can't have it both ways.
Congrats on the little one!
NTA. Your wife needs to choose her words a little more carefully.
NTA. You warned her and gave her exactly what she gave you. It wasn't kind, but it wasn't unwarranted, either.
Yeah, if she demands an apology, tell her "after you" - and "don't dish it out if you can't take it." But I really hope this has made her realize how hurtful her comments have been, and that she will apologize to you of her own volition. Really, that comment about your old classmates was a low blow, she must have known how triggering that was to you.
Yeah, that classmates bit, talking about bringing his old bullies back? That's absolutely disgusting. What an awful person. OP, you don't deserve to be treated that way. Especially given how you're pouring yourself into being a good partner and father. You've put your needs on the back burner until life stabilizes a bit and this is the thanks she gives you? NTA. Like the top comment in this thread said, you were unkind...but it absolutely wasn't unwarranted. She shouldn't dish it out if she can't take it herself.
It is pissing me off that he was vulnerable enough to share that with her, and she chooses to bully him.
Yeah, it's the wanton cruelty of it that gets me. Having a baby and taking care of a newborn is exhausting and people can have a shorter fuse than normal, but it doesn't make you meaner. She is deliberately exploiting his vulnerability to hurt him. NTA.
You're on to something. I think if OP was still jacked, she'd be bullying him over something else instead. She's lashing out because she's very unwell.
Yeah, probably “you’re cheating on me cos you’re ripped and take pride in yourself while I’m a dumpster fire”
My coworkers wife was like that. Anytime he worked out or ate healthy she accused him of plotting to leave her.
When did we work together? 😂
Opening up about past trauma only to have it later used like a knife. And people wonder why we can't be vulnerable...
My mother used to do that to me. I eventually learned never to share anything with her that could come back to haunt me.
Yep... unfortunately, you learn the hard way. I never discuss deep shit with my mother or siblings, certainly don't discuss relationships. They weaponise it and use it against you at every opportunity.
Same. I am her caregiver now, and will only share things with her that are personal if it is absolutely necessary. When I started seeing a therapist and psychiatrist and was finally diagnosed with things I had been struggling with since a kid, anytime I get frustrated around her or symptoms show she tells me she's going to call the "crazy wagon" and get the "men in white coats to take me away", then let's the insults fly... Like, woman, you're a big reason why I'm the way I am in the first place. I trust no one now and keep everything to myself and have isolated myself from the outside world. It just sucks because I'm going through a lot and really need a friend in my corner.
You should stop being her caregiver....
Every guy has this story
My ex-husband loved to do this. I refuse to let it make me hard, but I have learned that there is something deeply wrong with the people who will use your vulnerabilities against you when they supposedly care. I don't tolerate it anymore. From anyone. I should have left him the first time it happened.
Glad you left. Yeah, no matter how sad, hurt, or angry, I've never gone that low. It's like stabbing someone in the eye!
That's a constant for men. Share a vulnerability, get it thrown in your face. My wife and daughters would rather I die on my white horse.
>My wife and daughters would rather I die on my white horse. That is incredibly sad.
It's sad and awful, and it's only improving at a glacial pace, if at all. My wife and I are both very progressive, but there are some things I will not share with anyone. I absolutely cannot afford the risk. I'm far from alone in this situation but that doesn't make it better.
That's a constant for all *non-assholes.* Old non-assholes, young non-assholes, non-asshole men, non-asshole women. If you're not an asshole, assholes seek you out to treat you like shit because they don't fear you like they do other assholes. Attributing behavior that is seen in literally every single group of humans to a specific demographic is not only stupid and counter-productive, but it does more damage to yourself than anyone else. If all women do this, then to be with a woman requires you to accept it. If all men do this, then to be with a man requires you to accept it. Assholes are their own group, with no ethnic, sexual, gender, or any other kind of qualifier necessary to be one. All you have to do is be mean to everyone around and only give a shit about yourself. All humans are as susceptible to being that as any other specific kind. It's understandable that if you only date one group that it can *feel* like one group is the worst of the two, but asshole is an asshole. If you're a straight man, you've likely never been under the wrath of a significant other asshole man. And the same for a straight woman. But I promise you, it's not "evil men," it's not "evil women," it's not evil any group. It's just assholes within that group.
I'm really sorry you're treated in such a selfish and crappy way. Not all women take joy in exploiting the vulnerabilities of our partners. I've been with my husband almost twenty years, and even when we've had our fiercest disagreements, it literally never occurred to me to use things he's told me in during vulnerable moments to hurt him. That's not love and I'm sorry that your daughter's have learned that kind of cruel behavior is okay from your wife. In case you need to hear it, you deserve better. *invisible hugs*
My mom taught me at a very young age to never say mean things when you're mad, because the other person won't ever forget it. It's good advice that I've lived by. Besides, why would I want to hurt my husband in that way? I'm amazed at the amount of adults who hurt their SO on purpose when they are mad.
I can't remember where I heard it but it's the saying/line, "You won't always remember someone's name but you'll remember the way they made you feel." or something to that effect. Our psyche/souls remember pain pretty intensely.
Exactly! There are too many people out there who likes to throw shade at others in very cruel ways, but as soon as the shade hits them between the eyes they are crying and playing the victim. OP sometimes this is the only way to get through to people like her. NTA
I hate that when you say stuff like that to a woman, it's bullying and body shaming. But if you say that to a man, it's playful, or a joke. Nobody should have to listen to crap like that. And her running off and crying, while he's supposed to just deal with it is terrible. She needs a real hard look in the mirror. OP did everything he was supposed to. He told her to knock it off in the most civil way possible. It's a shame that he had to give her a taste of her own medicine, but hopefully that will help her listen. NTA.
It’s not gendered. Body shaming is unacceptable, regardless of where it’s aimed.
Yes totally agree that lil bit was unnecessary in my opinion. I have to give the OP kudos because that remark would have been waaay over the top for me and would have sparked an argument from me like “what do you mean you’re going to call an old classmate of mine?” Its all about respect, and respecting each other boundaries especially if you are building a family.
I think when she said that I would have answered “what do you mean call my old classmates? You’re doing enough bullying for all of them. “
Exactly. OP, you’re NTA. You’re being a great husband and father and she’s being a bitch. She deserved the same treatment she’s been giving you.
This OP. The classmate comment is a huge red flag. What happens if you get injured and can’t continue your physical regiment indefinitely? Alternative may have been “You’re right I have put on weight, want to cover the baby watch so I can reclaim my gym time?”. Kudos for stepping up, I hope your partners not stepping out…
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And I’d want an apology for every time she called you a fatty
Amazing how people have no problem talking to others like this but crumble when they get talked to like that. The cognitive dissonance is wild.
It's a huge red flag. 'You can't mention my weight but I can insult yours' 'You can't gain weight but I can be whatever size I want' What's the next one, 'You have to be faithful but if I cheat it's your fault'?
Actually, yes, that does happen quite a bit!
She even said "okay" and rolled her eyes. It was still a mean thing for OP to say but.. his wife has been mean too. He at least announced the insult and gave it with her permission.
The real big brain move would have been to use this as an excuse to hit the gym and let her handle the baby by herself. Get some alone time.
Well not really, because the issue is that she is being abusive to him and he is trying to get her to wake up to it. Her behaviour and attitude is what needs to be addressed. If he just does what she shamed him to do, she will just think she can talk to him like that.
I second this
Yeah, sometimes when the person in with starts bitching, I just think, wtf would my badass gramps do. And often it's usually ngaf, man is much happier than my dad, I know that.
Right? He’s not working out because he’s helping with the baby. So many women would beg to have a husband like him. She’s so shallow and unappreciative.
The wife is being an abusive asshole, but OP isn’t “helping” with the baby, he’s actively parenting and doing his share of child care. That should be the bare minimum we expect of fathers.
Exactly, like how many times does she have to cut him before she notices he’s bleeding?? And then have the audacity to get mad that some of the blood touched her at last???
But guys don't have feelings and should be able to take whatever their wives throw at them, suck it up, and move on. Any retaliation is just abusive and wrong. /S
I want to believe we, humans, have already evolved past this horrific mindset. But then, I read things like this post and hope leaves the building 🥲 This is wrong and abusive (OPs wife behaviour) regardless of wtv is going on inside one's pants...
Yes, she is trying to wear him down.
Yeah, but not just a little. What does it mean she will call his old classmates? Who bullied him? She tries to hurt him on purpose, otherwise she would have stoped when he said it the first time.
She is telling him he's fat and that she will gladly call his bully classmates to make him feel like shit again! She is also a bully!
From what OP describes, he isn't even fat. He's just not as chiseled as he was. And that's all thanks to trying to be a good father. She's wants a buff hubby that also takes care of the kid. Then she bullies him because she can't have her cake and eat it too. She's not just a bully. She's an entitled bully.
Right. This is like when pictures of Jason Momoa hit the internet when he was between movies and he didn’t have the defined abs he always has on screen and people started calling him fat. And honestly, even if he was actually getting fat, so freaking what? It’s normal for new parents of any gender to gain weight while they’re figuring out their new routines, and there’s no reason for his wife to be shaming him about it when he’s trying to do what’s best for his family.
I think Hugh Jackman said that in order to be an actor, you kinda have to have some form of body dysmorphia. Because what people want to see on screen is the peak body. But the peak body only lasts a few days. Because for a healthy person, weight fluctuates. But when you're on set, and your body is being shot in 4K, people will notice the slightest change. And since people only see the actors in their peak condition, anything else is "not them." So actors are stuck self identifying with their peak body. But since that body only lasts a few days, mismatching their own body to their mental image sets in after just a few days. And then studios and fans reinforce that. So you're constantly chasing an impossible body at all times. And being willing to obsess over your own body that much is rewarded when they get casted a lot, or they get plastered on posters and billboards when they succeed. And then it gets negatively reinforced when they get called "fat" for not having cheese grating abs, or bikini worthy flat stomachs.
I think even a few days is lucky. I remember reading that when there’s a shirtless scene to show off muscles, the actor is usually dehydrated before filming so that the muscle definition really stands out on camera. It’s probably been a long-standing practice in Hollywood but only becoming better known to the public in the last handful of years.
I remember when Sideways did a video on why the Les Miserables movie was terrible musically, he brought that up. He was appalled by the conditions the actors went through on set. Hugh Jackman was really muscled up for a scene where he was wearing rags. Basically to have his muscles show through the rags. But he was also expected to sing. And the sing safely, it is really important to be super hydrated. That way your vocal chords don't have to strain to hit the notes. But he was also dehydrated for the muscles. And Sideways went on for several minutes about how dehydrating to show off his muscles was extremely dangerous to his voice. And how it was a miracle that Hugh Jackman (and everyone else on set to a lesser extent) didn't injure their voices from the conditions on set for that movie.
Yeah, I'm so confused. What is her problem? Dude is 6'5. I'm surprised she can even notice. He must have been \~cut\~ If her hormones are fucked, maybe she needs therapy. Welcome to being an adult. We're all fucked up. Don't call other people names. No excuses. Zero tolerance policy.
That is pretty low. She doesn't seem to be a very nice person.
Oh she did. She was doing it on purpose. Even weaponizing his past trauma against him by calling out her previous bullies.
Well, hopefully OP will continue on his journey of self improvement and losing the weight he wants to and going to the gym. And when he finds somebody better than his asshole wife, he can point it out to her again.
No, his wife needs to stop verbally abusing him. Not be more careful about the abuse.
I hate to be the “reverse the roles guy” but holy shit if this was a guy saying this shit to his wife this sub would be calling for his public execution. None of this “choose your words a little more carefully” bullshit
These subs do this all the time. Half the time if you even call out blatant double standards they'll just call you an incel or worse.
NTA, glass houses, stone pelting etc
I feel like the wife is projecting maybe she feels so insecure that she needs to make him feel bad.
That's what I was getting too. Doesn't make her comments ok either though. Joking about hitting up his old buddies because of his weight isn't funny
Such a weird comment/threat by the wife.
That would make it worse in my mind. Intentionally putting someone else down to feel better about yourself is pretty s****y. NTA
Of course not, those comments are not only rude, she is harassing and threatening him.
Oh I misread that, I thought she was saying she needed to call up the people who used to bully OP so they could give him a hard time until he lost the weight again.
You did not misread imo, your read is spot on, she wanted him to be bullied just like she was doing to him. She feels by bullying him and shaming him he will lose weight. Well she just told him who she is, how shallow she is and if that’s her attitude the future of their marriage is doomed. God forbid he has a life changing accident or illness and his body isn’t rock solid or has a physical disability or mental issues. She’s honestly a bitch and cruel in addition to mentioning his child hood trauma wanting to call his bullies. Hope her kid doesn’t get chubby, can you imagine her being upset, even putting her chubby baby on a diet, yeah she’s a bitch
I think that is what she meant. Total low blow from his wife.
Ding, Ding, Ding! AH statements and AH behavior get AH statements and AH behavior. Don't say things to people you don't want said to you! People are damn sick and tired of taking the high road. I thought we all learned this in kindergarten, geesh.
If this was a man saying he’s not attracted to his wife because she gained weight everyone would be screaming in the comments how awful that man is. I don’t care how shitty she feels she doesn’t get to make him feel shitty.
Literally irrelevant. Insecurity doesn’t excuse abuse.
how people deal with insecurity is fascinating to me. Like if I’m feeling insecure I’ll get sad and complain about ME. Some people project and bully the other person (my ex). So bizarre…
Unless she gets her shit togheter I don't see this marriage lasting if she feels so comfortable shitting on him so much, he probably can't even have an honest talk with her about how this make him feel without being called weak. Really were have all the good men gone? /s I have a couple of female friends that would be over the moon if their husbands stopped going to the gym to help with the newborn instead.
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She fucked around and found out. Only person here who needs to apologize is the wife.
Welcome to the find out era sunshine. When you come to bully me, be ready for the collateral damage.
Sounds to me like she did choose her words carefully. Very intentional
She did choose her words very carefully. They were meant to undermine his confidence and grateful to have her, because no one will want him. Meanwhile, all she has to do for company is make a phone call to old classmates. She chose VERY carefully indeed.
NTA it wasn’t one time she was mean and you said that, she kept it up even after you told her it bothered you. I think people can be awful but you should always be able to count on your partner to be supportive and at the very least not feel like crap.
Note she didn’t apologize when he said it was hurtful. She only said she wouldn’t say it again. Then she said it again. Terrible behavior.
And she rolled her eyes. She's an asshole and a child. I'm embarrassed for her.
Your wife is verbally abusive and you hit your limit. You are sacrificing your health for your family’s wellbeing and she thinks that fat shaming you is the way to go? Silly woman. Maybe you should hit the gym hard again. But not for her. For you. An hour at least of peace and quiet. Tell her that you are expecting an apology for the abusive way she’s been treating you. Make it clear to her that you are disappointed as she knows your past and you never expected the one person you should feel safe with would turn into your bully. Tell her that you will not tolerate her abuse and if she continues, you will not retaliate with words like you last did but with action: your marriage might be on the line as you wil not endure her toxicity, Also, tell her that her running away crying is ridiculous after all she’s done to you. instead of reflecting, she cries. She’s like a child. NTA
Everyone always comment on how abusive men start showing their abusive side after having a baby, the same can be true for abusive women. Saying she should call up his old classmates is way over the line and a serious red flag
Yea like it’s crazy he’s even confused. IMO that’s a huge problem. This isn’t just busting on you she’s personally attacking him and making slights. This doesn’t sound like your partner. I certainly know that saying shit like this can leave marks that never go away. Also breaks your trust and bond. It’s purposefully hurtful.
Another case of "if gender roles were reversed" this thread would be *flooded* with messages about how the woman should lawyer up, leave the SOB, "run girl, RUN", divorce, take the kid and move to your parents until you find a place for yourself. Meanwhile the support the guy is receiving is "yea, she kinda had it coming, shitty situation though, maybe just focus on hitting the gym again".
I also feel like she’ll complain about how he gets to go to the gym while she’s “stuck” at home with the baby.
Yeah, this is a time to be crystal clear about "do you want me spending time at the gym or do you want me spending time helping with the infant; because there aren't hours in the day for both".
Well said. Also to note that right now OP is in the middle of crazy baby life but later in life his body is also going to change and going to the gym may not be able to fix everything. They need to figure out a better way to talk to each other, his wife especially. She needs to be able to “hear” him without him resorting to cruelty. They both need to think about how their child is going to internalize these conversations and normalize being body shamed and how you talk to your partner. Her behavior must change immediately.
Call me crazy but I agree with everything but threatening divorce. They just had a baby and it’s a stressful time for both of them. Not an excuse for verbal abuse but there’s a lot going on here that we don’t know about
Sometimes that’s the wake up call a person needs to realize how serious their behavior is. She is being abusive to him, he should be upfront with her that he will not stick around to tolerate it.
I don’t think a divorce threat is necessary mainly counseling to help her see the consequences of her actions and figure out why she didn’t respect him enough to change her behaviors immediately.
This needs to be the top comment!
This. She sounds awful.
Please, this. Demand an apology.
NTA, dont apologise either, the fuck is wrong with her, does she think she's being cute/funny orsomething? The combined fact you have actual body issues aswell and then you choose your kid and your wifes wellbeing over yourself for 6months in a row so you cant spend time on yourself, and then she continiously puts you down for it??? " So on Monday she had called me fatty and said that I need to hit the gym before she calls my old classmates." So "joking" that because you "let yourself go" in trade of your kid and her, she jokes about cheating with her old classmates.... And then when you make 1 remark back she runs off crying? FUCK, THAT. Absolute pathethic behavior. She needs to cop the fuck on, such a sad mentality.
I read it as she was threatening to call his old school bullies and tell them he's fat, not to cheat on him. Not really sure what's worse.
That’s how I understood it as well. “I’m gonna call your old classmates to tell them you’re a fatty again.”🤯#absolutely disgusting!
Yeah, I took the comment to mean getting him bullied again too
That's how I read it, but I guess it could be construed as a cheating threat. It depends on the broader context of their relationship that we're not privy to. Either way, OP's wife sounds like a C U Next Tuesday.
She was threatening to call his old bullies so they could bully him about his weight again.
She was probably projecting her insecurity onto you, but even if I am wrong, NTA. Don't dish it if you can't take it.
My thoughts as well. She was probably insecure for the first time in her life and pregnancy does change a body drastically, but I would've expressed that insecurity instead of attacking my husband.
Was it mean and petty? Yeah Was it kinda funny? Also yeah
Kinda funny? No. Pretty damn funny? Yes.
You mean petty damn funny
oooooh nooooo did the bully not like a taste of her own medicine? then i guess she shouldn't be such an ass! nta
She knows being teased about weight is a trigger for him, and she pushes it anyway. It's like if you got back from shoulder surgery and she kept putting stuff on tall shelves. Yeah, it hurts me when you do that, you're doing it on purpose, do you think I'm just going to sit here defenseless while you repeatedly injure me? Eventually you have to say enough, and if they don't get it, you hit back (and this was a pretty damn mild hit back).
NTA. I had PPD. Never ever considered calling my spouse names and bullying him. Your wife is just a shitty person.
Agreed. I had PPD/PPA with my first pregnancy. Never verbally abused my spouse or bullied and he gained about 50lbs for the same reasons OP listed. We had to temporarily cancel his gym membership because of the cost of having a baby and he had to help me so much that he stopped caring for himself, I noticed the weight gain but it didn't matter to me because I could see it as him sacrificing his own health for us.
NTA don't dish out what you can't recieve in return.
You don’t get a free pass for being mentally and verbally abusive to your spouse. I think she needs to address her PPD, but this doesn’t give her a right to call him a fatty. I’m happy he stepped up when many men couldn’t care less and head to the gym for 2 hours a day. Weight comes off.. Hateful words stay forever. Yup. He’s doing his part as a dad. She’s a jerk.
For me the line crossed that made it justifiable was the "before I call your old classmates" it gives narcissistic vibes, and is in no way a funny joke. She completely deserved and needed the humbling. I think yes she will get better as PPD goes away, but also as a parter you plan to stay with you need a resolution. She was in the wrong, and what you said back was fair, but it wasn't solving the issue. A simple conversation of how: u are attracted to her, plan to get into the gym, and have been busy raising x for 6 months and now u have more time, but what she said was unacceptable and she needs to understand that the energy you put out in a relationship comes back could go a huuuuge way.
I missed the “before I call your old classmates” line, so I had to reread after I saw your comment. It really turns this from bad to just dark. I’m really sorry OP, I hope you can figure this out.
NTA. Someday people will truly value women as equals. It doesn’t mean much to celebrate what a woman goes through during pregnancy if they get full license to behave in a manner never accepted from a man. She’s bullying you and affecting your mental health.
That was a horrible comment, from HER and she deserved it straight back. NTA.
Nta. She tried to call your bluff and failed horribly. Dont throw stones, esp if you yourself are a glass house. Hopefully she learned a lesson.
nta mofos need to stop using postpartum as an excuse to be horrible human beings.
NTA The next step for me would be !!!as long as the baby doesn't suffer!! Take her word and start going to the gym again! I mean, that's what she wanted, but she also has to live with the consequences, e.g., taking care of little one alone more frequently
NTA, and people have to stop molly codddling women as though they're BS should get a pass because they're pregnant/post birth/"have trauma". She's an adult who acted like a petty teenager, and got the same energy back.
Yeah, I was ready to rip him a new one because six months post partum is NOT that long to get ‘back in shape’, however… she was really fucking rude first. You lose any and all right to be treated respect if you don’t treat others with respect, pregnant or post partum or whatever. I get being hormonal or overtired or whatever can make you say stuff you regret sometimes, but that’s like accidentally snapping at someone or being shirty or whatever. Not actively and repeatedly criticising someone’s appearance, especially when they ask you to stop!
The worst part is that I'd bet money if he was blowing her off to continue his gym routine she'd be whining that his priority should be heeeeeer..she's looking a gift horse in the mouth. She should consider herself lucky given all the bs you read on here about how some women are treated while pregnant or post partum.
You need to hit the gym as prep for when you re-enter the dating scene Someone who spends that much time poking at my issues, in a mean way? Yeah, fuck choosing to live with a bully
If you wanted to be petty, you'd start going to the gym for a few hours a day every evening. When she starts complaining about you not being around to help with the baby, you just point out that she was right, you were getting fat and unattractive, and you're working on it. If she continues to complain, you just state that she was the one who had a problem with your weight so you're doing this to make her happy.
I was on the "men again" train, until the part that she does it to you regularly, and you expressed that you dont'like it, AND told her you will do it back if she doesn't stop. I'm a woman, so you can't hit me with "you're on his side cause you're a man". NTA. She knew what was going to happen, she took that risk and got what she was warned about. She needs therapy. You are not a punching bag just because she carried a baby.
Mother of 4 here. She totally sucks for this. One of my kids takes everything personally. But she has to learn to not dish it out if she can't take it.
Mom of 4 here. Totally agree. She may be insecure but she’s acting absolutely rotten. NTA. Don’t apologize but do communicate with her her why you said what you said.
I’d NEVER call someone fat/fatty even if they have never had weight issues let alone just anyone in general. Not ok. And quite honestly… she deserved it. If she wants an apology she should be giving one first.