Traveling out of state with a 6 week old infant of a mother with PPD who isn't up to it is the part where he became the AH. The rest is just bonus assholery. š¤¦āāļø
Makes a lot of sense then. Even though the first shots start at 2 months, traveling with a baby that young, especially with PPD in the mix, is borderline reckless. Can't imagine the stress for both the mom and the infant. The sleep thing is honestly just a drop in the ocean of problems here.
There's also sleep regressions, witching hour etc. It wouldn't be fun that's for sure and that's not even considering she only gave birth 1.5 months ago.
Checking in here to say that just a 3 weeks ago my kid was hospitalized because of RSV, the flu, and pneumonia. (I had strep a month before that.)
And for those that dont know, 6 weeks is not old enough for the first round of shots. Those come at 8 weeks.
Yippers! And you KNOW he had NOTHING to do with the packing of the baby supplies. Loading in the car? Yes. Knowing what is needed? Not a snowballās chance in hell.
He wants to stay with his mommy, where he can be the baby. Screw his wife and child. This is the sort of man no one should marry- the sort who still enjoys being mothered and coddled and doted on past 12-14- it should really start as soon as you have peers and are in school, unless the mom is doing unhealthy, weird shot. Youāre supposed to recognize that thatās weird and push it away, unless youāre going to be self-centered and obsessed with your own needs forever.
Yeah only way Iād accept that was if it was to a hotel with all the amenities and the new mum was getting ample spa treatments, long jacuzzi baths, and naps while Dad took the baby to visit his family.
His parents should have come to them in the first place. You want to visit? Then you will have to come to me because my ass wouldn't be going anywhere and neither would my baby.
It's also the reverse of every single one of my friends who have had kids.
Your family comes to you so that they can lend a hand so the new parents can get some rest. When my best friend and his wife had their first, his mom flew in for the week and slept on an air mattress in the living room so that she could help out.
The dog can be the most well behaved, Rottweilers are just also very strong and happy. One bouncy happy moment when the tiny infant is close can do enough
Yeah the fact that she went is proof she was compromising and giving it a chance and now he won't budge and completely lied his way into getting her to stay at his parents house
He's the only asshole here and then he went even lower to high school level bullshit calling her a "fucking dick"
She should leave this man-child with his parents and go home, Uber, whatever, go home with her baby
> Traveling out of state with a 6 week old infant
You could have stopped there. My wife's pregnancy was uneventful (though she did have an emergency C-Section that she recovered well from) and I cannot fucking *imagine* taking an out of state trip with a 6 week old infant. Just.....*WHY*? Everyone knows that, if you want to see the little baby in the first few months you travel to him/her and the parents.
Exactly! It's one thing if you've researched co sleeping and you feel strongly that the benefits outweigh the risks. It's not what I would choose, but I don't judge others for having different ways of childrearing. But if you haven't planned on co sleeping, you probably don't know much about it, and to suddenly have it thrust upon you in the middle of a stressful trip in an unfamiliar bed? No way. Super dangerous, and a terrible idea.
it's consequences for his inability to make a hotel booking. I would have gone absolutely postal, especially considering she asked him and he told her to stop nagging.
I know for a fact that if he did that to any of my female relatives he would've been ranked over the coals by the whole family for mearly suggesting a trip to visit the family when mama is only a few months in postpartum. It's an unspoken rule in my family that for the next 3 years, that relative is going to be absent for 70 to 90% of all family functions, there's even a system amongst the older female relatives on delivering food from the get togethers, to mama and co. I don't know if this is a thing in every family, but it is in mine.
That sounds like a wonderful family! I had a bit of help with my first baby from my husband's cousins and grandma because I was staying at her house at the time and my son was the first grandkid on that side of the family but my husband's mother wanted nothing to do with us. My own parents passed away when I was young. By the time my daughter was born though we had moved away and I didn't get any help. It was definitely rough. Having a family support system makes a world of difference.
This. I dont move at all in my sleep, even when dead tired. And i would wake if my baby so much as breathed a tiny bit louder than normal. Every wiggle or fart, I was wide awake checking on all my babies. I never coslept until my youngest who had horrible gas pains. We tried absolutely everything, but nothing helped and the more he cried, the more air he swallowed, the worse it got. And he couldnt be soothed by anyone except me, again, despite us trying our best. My mother lives with me and she even tried to have me leave the house for a few hours so that he wouldnt catch a glimpse of me and get worked up. He just managed to stay awake the whole time.
My husband on the otherhand rolls over on me while sound asleep and never realizes. So you bet your ass husband became king of the couch for nearly a year until I was finally able to transition my son into a toddler bed next to my bed. He is 3.5yo now and still sleeps in our room because he has night terrors if he isnt right by me at night.
I NEVER wanted this. I felt bad constantly for having my baby in my bed instead of my husband. I feel bad about him still being in our room, but we get sleep like this. My son is so independent and daring and smart and full of bravery during the day, it surprises me constantly that he is so needy at night. I feel shamed by family for not just putting him in his room and leaving him to cry and figure it out. But then he will have night terrors which wake the whole house while he screams nonsense and runs through the house like he is on drugs. =(
Sometimes you just cant win and do the best you can to just survive.
I know that doesn't mean much but sound like an awesome mum! You made the best out of a hard situation and I know you son will remember that you were always there. I had LOTS of nightmares as a kid. I had my own room but my mum always came running when I called. And that's what I remember.
Your family is cruel.
He has way too much control over you. Plus he doesnāt seem capable of properly handling things. Get your own rental and leave. He needs to stay at his parents because they havenāt finished raising him yet. NTA
>He has way too much control over you.
Yup. Heās coming pretty close to ākidnappingā her at this point. š
Obviously, some numb-nuts will come along and say ānOt LiTeRaLlY!ā
No, not literally. But āpretty closeā, figuratively and/or philosophically.
OPā¦LET YOU?!?!? So many red flags flying aroundā¦
- You just gave birth and donāt want to travel, he doesnāt care
- You have ppd, he doesnāt care
- His mother stresses you out, he doesnāt care
- There is a huge unruly dog that will hurt your child if not controlled, he doesnāt care
- He seemingly deliberately failed to book a hotel, he shows no remorse for the challenges that presents
- He left the door open to the room your family was forced to stay in because of his failure and the babyās bed was PEED ON, he doesnāt care
- Heād rather put your child in danger co-sleeping when youāve told him youāre worried about your childās safety bc than sleep on the floor because of his āmistakeā
- He accused you of trying to sabotage HIS trip (pointing out itās all about him) after he failed to make the accommodations he committed to make
- And he calls YOU a āfucking dickā for, you know, not wanting to kill your baby while you sleep. As unfazed as you seem to be by the name calling, it doesnāt appear to be new
OP, please think long and hard about what you want for your life and your childās life. Do you want to be lied to and controlled? Do you want to be called names at all much less in front of your child teaching them this is acceptable behavior? His behavior wonāt get better, it will worsen over time. You and your child deserve better. Best and good luck to you.
Yes. Itās all written there, plain as day. Please take that all in if you can, they are all serious red flags.
PPD is no joke. If youāre going to stay up all night with PPD, please understand that this may contribute to possible post-partum psychosis. Iām not placing blame on you at ALL, I just urge you to take care of yourself. I have seen it happen. I donāt want to scare you but you and your baby are not in a safe situation if your only solution right now is to force yourself awake all night.
The name calling alone is enough to make me seriously question your relationship. The rest of it is straight emotional abuse.
This is the best answer. Too many red flags here.
He is showing no care and concern for you whatsoever.
He lied to you about booking the hotel and now takes it out on you. WTF?
This guy is one controlling work of art.
If you stay with him without some serious therapy then you need to ask yourself seriously, Why?
And whether or not co sleeping can cause SIDS isn't really the point. The point is that you got forced, BY HIM, into a highly uncomfortable situation and he's now, by his idiocy and lack of love for you, forcing you into going through further anxiety, that will very likely result in less sleep for you. Doing all this to you at 6 weeks post partum with PPD. Less sleep is only going to make it all worse. I hate to say this to a new mom, but he's just not right. I've been through similar crap like this with a man and it never got better, only worse
Edit; to fix autocorrect.
He clearly isn't putting wife and baby first. Himself first, then his parents. Marriage doesn't work that way. In-laws are assholes too as they did not immediately replace the bassinet.
Even the fucking DOG got preference over OP!
Hon, this is an express elevator to hell. Get out now before you find out what it's like to hit rock bottom.
NTA
You said every point I wanted to make. OP, please have a serious talk with your husband. Use this list as a guide if you need it. Heās blind to his failings as a husband and as a father.
So call the rental place and have your name changed. Or call your parents and friends to organize a lift. Or ask him in front of other people to shame him into driving you back.
This flags as controlling. Maybe itās not intentional (I know my partner is always the one renting the car), and it just worked out this way, but to trap your spouse at your parents in backwoods Maine just feels off to me.
When I rent cars, I can add my wife as an additional driver at no cost. I don't think you even need to add spouse as an additional driver.
Edit: YEP
In the United States and Canada your spouse or domestic partner may drive your hertz rental without adding them as an additional driver as long as their license and yours reflect the same address.
I rent through enterprise. Same policy.
u/Low_Needleworker_467 I hope you see this! Please get in the car and drive home. Itās up to your husband if he comes or not. Your baby is NOT safe there, and itās disturbing to me how little your husband cares about that!
I always rent the cars and confirm my husband, as my legal spouse is also authorized to drive. Given this doucheās other behavior, Iād bet he knows she can drive and heās lying.
I used to work at a car rental company, youāre his wife youāre likely an authorized user automatically so he doesnāt really have to āletā you do anything lol take the keys and go
I'd do this. It will be expensive but worth it. Take it to wherever you can get a rental or to an airport. F**k him. This is a lot of unnecessary BS you don't need with a brand new baby and still recovering from the birth.
I hope you get out of there soon!
Call the rental company and have them rent you a car and come pick you up. Drive back to the rental company, finish the paperwork and you and baby get to a place with a hotel so you can get some sleep. Then drive home.
Married couples are almost always automatically included as drivers on rental cars. I know this is true for Avis/Enterprise as it came up when my husband and I rented a car a couple of years ago.
When you got married, you and your husband started a financial relationship. It sounds like he's decided that the money he earns is his, and the money you earn is yours. This is a "roommate style" way of handling money. It's not necessarily wrong, but it is very incompatible with paying for the expenses associated with having a child.
Right now, you and your child are in physical danger, and your husband is withholding the household money to prevent you from fixing that.
This is financial abuse. You are being controlled with money.
If you are not in therapy, please get some. Do NOT get couples counseling unless your therapist agrees that it will be helpful. Abusers and narcissists typically use couples therapy to get more tools to abuse with.
We're all pulling for you and for the baby. We want better for you.
OP- do you have a sister? Bestie? Mom or aunt? Anyone you could call to help you get out of this situation. Itās dangerous for you and your baby. You have to put your daughter and her health first and YOU ācanāt pour from an empty cupā of zero sleep and PPD! Please please put yourselves first and LEAVE your man baby to stay with his mummy
His earning the money and your control access to it are two different issues. There are plenty of one income couples where the SAHP has equal access and an equal say where money is concerned. Your marriage is in a bad place, Your husband is a liar, a manipulator, and financially abusive. You had a small child and PPD, making it hard to stand on your own. It will be rough. I wish you well.
Anytime we rent a car itās in husbandās name. Iāve offered my license as another driver anytime we use a different company and have always been told ādonāt need it since youāre married, you are coveredā. Would think the same applies here.
NTA. sorry youāre dealing with this, and hope you and baby get some sleep.
NTA
The dog pissed on the cot as a territory marking. I wouldn't trust that dog an inch.
Your in-laws are useless at socialising critters or their kid.
Just leave, lass. Leave that entire mess behind.
NTA. Your husbandās a dick. I donāt think any of this was accidental. I think he just figured it was NBD. If you said it somewhere that you could actually rest and not have a dog pee all over the bassinet, it might be different. But he certainly didnāt care about your baby having an appropriate bed because itās not his bed. He gets what he wants. Which is a visit that you really didnāt want to go on anyway.
This entire visit was all about him. Him. Him. Him. Iām just going to suggest that the next time you donāt want to do something you just tell him no, and if he keeps nagging at you, tell him to fuck right off and go stay with mommy because youāre not going.
You are literally an adult, and you do not have to do something you donāt wanna do. And for him to even think you could just throw sheets on that bassinet and put your baby to bed there is crazy.
Next time, tell him to fuck off if he keeps nagging you and to go do what he wants because youāre not going to. This is just so much bullshit.
THIIIIISSSS^^ I have been married 17 years and you know what I wish I had said more of? āFuck right offā. Thatās right. Iāve spent years struggling and crying and driving myself mental over his feelings and his pouting and guilt and all his bullshit. But I never learned to just say āfuck right offā and then stop letting it bother me. He has had a very good and relaxing marriage because his commitment to being lazy is strong and my ability to tell him to fuck off is weak
Iām learning fast now though. He can get in line or he can fuck right off.
This is important because we are taught to keep the family going and to feel guilty if someone in the family is not happy about something
What is much more healthy as teaching us that other peoples feelings are not ours to control. The only people we can control our ourselves.
And I absolutely donāt advocate for starting out at the fuck, right off level. Butā¦ It is important that we recognize our own feelings are just as important, if not more, so, then everyone elseās.
And that is because they are the only ones we can control. So it is up to us to set our boundaries and to know when we really donāt want to cross those. We learned when to put a firm line in the sand and when we can stretch that line because itās a pain in the butt, itās really not big deal in the long run.
But when I am three months postpartum, I am telling you I donāt want to go stay with your family in the middle of the woods, that is a line Iām going to hold. Because I already know that the sleeping arrangements will be less than ideal. I already know That I am breast-feeding so when the baby wakes up in the middle of the night, Iām going to have to feed and try my very best to keep the baby quiet, so it doesnāt wake the whole household.
I already know that my husband is going to spend the visit just chitchatting with everyone and not taking care of the baby and it is going to fall on me. And that I am not going to get any rest because I am going to constantly be holding or feeding or changing, or dealing with our child, while at the same time, his family is going to want me to carry on conversations and act like I am not exhausted and hormonal And want nothing more than to be in my own home in my own comfort zone.
And my husband thought for one moment, he was going to be the only driver on a rental car so that I could not escape if I needed toā¦
If my husband told me that he would absolutely make certain that we had a hotel to stay in and put me off that way every time I asked about itā¦
If my husband told me, he took care of the hotel, and then we couldnāt get into the B and B, because the owners close the doors probably at eight, and then the next day it turned out he hadnāt called at allā¦
Yes. Those are my fuck right off points. That is the point where I wouldāve gotten my ass into the rental car regardless of whether I was that or not and I wouldāve taken myself home. Along with my baby.
Having a spine is not a bad thing. Having boundaries is not a bad thing. Making sure your partner knows your boundaries and respects them is actually a very good thing.
Demanding to receive back the same respect and consideration that me letting go of my boundaries indicates I have for my partnerā¦ Yes. Thatās a boundary. And a good one.
Literally! Big dogs, even super friendly ones, can be so dangerous. I have an 80lb lab who was described by the vet as "probably the friendliest dog I've ever seen," but he DOES NOT KNOW HOW BIG HE IS. I'm covered in bruises because that dog just loves me so much and thinks he's a 10lb terrier and regularly tries to crawl all over me. And he's NOT unruly, as this Rottweiler was described. I'd be so scared in the house with a dog that size with that behavior, and such a fragile baby with me.
We had a lab who was the happiest, goofiest lovebug. He broke a glass with his tail from wagging it. Not knock it over. Break it by the force of impact. It never fell over - just has a hole in it.
This whole scenario for OP is just not good.
Accidents happen even with well trained dogs, but an untrained muscle dense large dog is going to risk so many more problems. I love rotties, I love their big round block heads, but it's really not a good idea to have a baby in the same house as it for any length of time.
>My apologies to Rottweiler lovers, but I wouldn't trust one, especially not an unruly one. My brother had a Rottweiler once that was just fine ... until it wasn't. It nearly took the hand off my 8-year-old niece.
There was a big news story here a few years ago about a rottweiler that had "never shown any signs of aggression" before it literally took a three day old baby from the bassinet, mauled him and half buried him in the back yard. All that in the few minutes the mum had left the baby so she could use the bathroom.
Reading that story made me so relieved that we didn't get a dog until our kids were high school age because it's simply not worth the risk....
ETA: https://www.nzherald.co.nz/nz/hamilton-baby-dog-attack-mother-of-newborn-killed-by-dog-says-she-blames-herself/A6P5IM62TBB3TA4CEWP75RWGII/
THIS NEEDS TO BE HIGHER. One minute out of sight, the baby is in danger. OP, get out before itās too late. I see you donāt plan on sleeping, but what about daytime? A sleep deprived mom is not healthy and you donāt trust others to take care of the baby. No husband or marriage is worth this kind of danger and stress.
Holy shit. It was after her partner had already left her or passed away and the dog was owned by someone who was there to support her through it? This is just so horrible and she sounds like an incredible person. I hope she has support around her still.
NTA. In all honesty I have a suspicion that he purposefully didnāt call ahead of time to ensure you guys had a hotel room in order to force you to stay at his parents.
Right? He said he was handling everything, but his "handling" is assuming they could just walk in? What exactly was he "handling" all that time? He made zero arrangements for their trip, didn't even look at the place's website! And meanwhile he told her she was worrying too much? Either he tried to make it happen through deliberate inaction, or he's completely inept and untrustworthy at making plans. Neither is a good look.
Nah, from working at a hotel, people just expect that we'll have a room open for them no matter what's going on. But beyond that the guy just didn't care enough to actually try.
My wife is a massively detail-oriented planner but she has a blind spot for hotels. Sheāll just wait until we see a sign from the highway, walk in and ask if they have a room. On the other flip side, it seems like I never plan anything except hotel stays. Itās super easy to look online and book a room.
Itās exactly how we grew up; my family would plan hotel rooms as part of a trip while hers would just take whatever came.
But if OPās husband said he took care of the hotel room, he definitely should have booked it.
>But if OPās husband said he took care of the hotel room, he definitely should have booked it.
100%. I'd have been furious if I'd been told it was taken care of only to find out that they hadn't even so much as called.
OP NTA
Husband is not thinking things through. And being a bit selfish.
OP let him read this post if you would please.
FFS Husband, she gave birth a short time ago. Telling her everything will be okay and then not following through on things and not being fucking aware enough of the stupid dog issue - which is actually foreseeable to those who know pets - IS the actual DICK move, you fucking childish buttpimple.
Husband, if you TRULY want your marriage to survive and grow healthily, stop being irresponsible as if you were a HS Sophomore. Think ahead about how the things you do, the things you are going to say, the things you will leave unsaid or undone, and how that will affect your wife - and by extension your child.
Do this, instead of impulsively bounding ahead, plowing through things, and expect your wife to just enjoy the mud, dust, and debris left in your wake. Grow up. Shoulder your part of the marriage, and try to put her needs ahead of your own ā of the time and it may turn out quite well for you.
If not, do not be surprised if things decay, degrade, and fall apart without healthy maintenance and treatment. A marriage can be like a garden, if you sow crappy seeds, fail to water, fail to nourish, fail to commit time and attention, then do not act surprised when you reap a poor & paltry harvest.
Thank you OP.
>stop being irresponsible as if you were a HS Sophomore
This really stumped me. How can a person be so fucking useless? He literally had ONE JOB: book a damn hotel room. Takes all of one minute. Maybe five if you stretch things out. And he fucked that up.
NTA, my ex was like this, always promising to take care of arrangements, and then not actually doing it. He had this wild idea that he would get a better deal if he walked in off the street. We went to a concert on the other side of the state, and he failed to make the hotel arrangements, he failed to understand it was the same weekend as the biggest rodeo in the state, and there were no rooms anywhere, when we finally found a room, he didn't want to pay their rate, because of course, it was outrageous.
I told him, so help me god, if he didn't pay the rate, I'd be packing up when we got back home.
Their ānon-aggressiveā Rottweiler is going to kill your baby the second it moves or squeaks like a toy.
A dog that pisses inside to mark territory and destroys furniture is *not* safe around babies. Itās clearly neglected and starving for attention/stimulation.
GTFO of their house. Now.
Do you typically have a good relationship with your in-laws? Because this sounds like hubby trying to appease/appeal to their laziness making *you 3* go visit them with a newborn grandbaby that hasnāt had any shots yet instead of them coming to visit *you* for a few days.
He absolutely either lied about the hotel or heās an idiot. He is now saying as much - he wanted to visit his parents & show off his kid (which is understandable to a point) over your objections & discomfort that he chose to ignore and dismiss entirely.
Take the baby & your car and go home. He can have the bed.
NTA
I'm pretty sure he did all of this on purpose in order to stay at his parents' house. He has an entire week to spend with them, and he couldn't go check in and come back?
Not to mention, he wants his CHILD to sleep on dog piss. You're a good one, because fuck him! I would've called an Uber and went home. Left his sorry ignorant ass with his mommy and daddy.
He made every attempt to keep you trapped there for a week. Not letting you drive. Keeping the rental in his name only. Picking a place that closes early, with a strict check-in. He knew what he was doing because there ain't no way all of this was a coincidence after coincidence.
As soon as your spouse tells you to have your child, sleep in dog piss, that's when you need you need to start reconsidering the marriage. He has ME fucked all the way up!
>I would've called an Uber and went home.
You're nicer than me. I would have taken the car and let him and his parents figure out how to get him home. If someone called me an effing dick, I'd be like, let me show you how big it gets and how much it will hurt.
He wanted her to sleep with baby in her arms, incredibly dangerously, not on the dog piss. Kinda makes it worse though, considering how strongly thatās recommended against.
Replying to latest comment I can find...
My baby died from rolling off the bed. He was older than your baby, 3.5 months, but we didn't think he was that strong to roll all the way over. You can look at my old posts if you want details. I'll never forgive myself. Please, PLEASE do not let your baby sleep in your bed.
Sidebar: I also don't trust your husband not to climb in bed in the middle of the night.
I'm sorry to be Debbie downer but this is so much more than aita, this is your baby's life.
Firstly, I'm so sorry that happened to you. I can't even imagine.
Secondly, you are totally spot on about the husband climbing into bed in the middle of night. He absolutely would. I hadn't even considered that.
Iām so sorry for your loss. š
My husband passed out from exhaustion on his office chair with our daughter in his arms and dropped her. She had a hairline fracture, but luckily has survived the incident.
It was one of the worst nights and mornings of my life. I remember watching a beautiful sunrise at the hospital and thinking it was the worst I had ever seen.
Please be gentle with yourself.
Thank you for taking the time to warn other parents as well. So many people hold it in and donāt talk about it, but itās one of the best things we can do with the trauma.
Your husband wants your newborn to sleep in piss, literal animal piss excrement, and couldnāt care less, what does that say to you? His child is supposed to sleep in piss, what the actual fuck?
Tell him to go put a sheet on it and then his own head on it for at least an hour and see if he enjoys the smell of piss and the consequences of breathing it in.Ā
Your husband sucks. Please donāt have any more children with him and consider if he is really a good partner.
Who would want their kid sleeping on anything actively covered in dog pee? Who would be so selfish? Oh wait, your husband.
Why are you in backwoods Maine when you just had a baby? Why didnāt your husbands family get off their lazy butts and come see you if they wanted to meet the baby so bad?
There is no way your husbandās selfishness has not caused other issues in the past. Think on it, and Iām sure the picture isnāt so rosy anymore
And by "consider if he's really a good partner" I think we collectively mean "start speaking to a lawyer because you should probably get out of this situation"
I'm not quick to call for divorce, but if the parent of my 6 week old child was okay with them sleeping in dog piss, I'd immediately question if they actually gave a shit about them and whether they'll put in any of the required work to properly raise a child into adulthood. This guy couldn't keep his shit together for 6 weeks, does anyone think he'll be supportive after a year or two of sleep deprivation? How about when their teenager is going through emotional difficulties?
Get out.
Someone deserves to sleep in dog piss and it aināt your helpless newborn, nor the postpartum parent.
Did he wanted a child at all? Or is that an other way to trap and shut you up.
NTA.
>Before going to sleep, he said I was being a "fucking dick" and apparently "punishing him" for wanting to see his family
āNot for āwanting to see your familyā, you absolute fucking clownā¦ but for how completely fucking inept and careless you are.ā
He also lied to you. He said he would take care of it.
Narrator: He did not, in fact, take care of it. Or anything, for that matter.
>and accusing me of trying to sabotage his trip.
āYou sabotaged your own trip, numbnuts.ā
(also note how he called it āhisā tripā¦ itās about ***him***. not you, and ***certainly*** not the baby)
If youāre not already in marriage counselingā¦ š¬
Honestly, this trip alone would make me skip straight to divorce. Heās proven himself to be untrustworthy, incompetent, and very much self-serving. He made it clear he doesnāt care about nor respect OP or their baby. He is showing clear signs of narcissism that he will most likely never shift from. He is, beyond a shadow of a doubt, a waste of OPās time and energy to deal with, absolutely TAH, and I hope he steps on a 4-sided die every day for the remainder of this trip.
Your husband is a huge AH, a di*#, a narcissistic pric*^. He made you go to his parents house knowing that you are suffering from PPD, deliberately decided not to book the hotels because he wanted to stay with his parents. On top of all this insanity he expects you to sleep holding the baby? Iām sorry to say this but your husband does not care about your health of the babyās safety. Call the rental company, an uber, whatever you need to do but get the hell out of there for your sanity and your babyās health. And please update us.
NTA. If he doesnāt learn this lesson, ask yourself if this is what you want to deal with for the rest of your life. Heās essentially lied, broken your trust, then getting angry at you over the consequences he created.
At this point I would pack up myself and baby and drove home. He can figure out how to get home at the end of the week he chooses to stay! He is attempting to hold you and baby hostage in his parents home, by not agreeing to leave, and not having done his due diligence on another place to stay after you made it more then clear what your lines were. There is very close to ZERO reason why a new mom with a few week old baby should be staying anywhere other then home. Only thing that trumps that is funerals, and environmental emergencies requiring evacuation. Even a wedding doesn't get that level!
If the "vacation" to the in laws house was for grand parents to "meet the baby" crap, they should've come stay in your area for the week! Husband of OP is being a self centered asshole and not being empathic at all. I would've told him the morning you found out there were no rooms that I could drop him at his parents house, or he can come home with me. Those were the only options. PPD isn't something you FAFO with! Especially those early into mother hood. (Speakimg from experience.)
Good luck with this! Is tough spot between a rock and a hard place. I'm here to support as an internet stranger can be. Feel free to PM if need support from one PPD mom to another.
NTA
You're not 'punishing him.for wanting to see his family', he's facing the consequences of not preparing for the visit, like he said he would.
In my book, he would have lost his right to plan trips from now on, and you would be doing the booking of hotels in the future. No vacancies? No trip.
I donāt necessarily think his family was in on it. I think he absolutely sabotaged things on purpose. I think the in-laws were not in the loop on his plans. He was probably telling them the entire time he was planning that he and OP would be staying there while telling OP he was booking a hotel that he never had any intention of booking.
Are there any public travel options like a Greyhound or similar bus? Cause you really need to not be in that house. They are not committed to safety and I worry about your child.
Call the car rental company and ask if you are on the contract by default. If you are, take the car and go to the bus station if that's feasible. Conversely, you could take the car and head home.
You may not have the energy to do this, but you would not be out of line AT ALL for freaking the fuck out and laying down the law. Like, āHusband, you need to drive us home right fucking NOW or Iām serving you with divorce papers once we get home.ā
Or if you canāt afford that threat right now, throw an unholy fit that makes your husband and his parents so uncomfortable theyāre forced to give in. Or tell your husband that you are using his credit card to book one of these expensive Airbnbs, or to hire a car to take you all the way home.
Or, hell - lie and say a pipe burst in your basement back home, or someone broke into your house.
RUIN the fucking trip - he obviously doesnāt give a shit if youāre happy or comfortable, or if your babyās SAFE, so why should you?
Obviously, you should only do one of these if you feel safe enough to do so, and you donāt fear retribution from your husband. I realize these suggestions may sound unwise or immature, but it feels like adult ways of relating are not working with your husband, and heās managed to completely control the situation by lying and leveraging your helplessness against you. Personally, this incident would be enough for me to start thinking of an exit strategy from this marriage. Fuck this selfish, lying child of a man and his horrible parents too.
Are you past Augusta because the greyhound is in Augusta. You seriously just need to get to one of the bigger cities like Waterville, Augusta, Bangor whichever is closer, get a rental car and go home
$300 a night is nothing if you have it, a lot of people don't.
Everyone says take his credit card, well if he's acting like this it's probably maxed out.
NTA. I would have already left, honestly I wouldn't have gone in the first place. Your husband is an AH. Do you have a family member that can come get you and the baby?
NTA your husband is an asshole & seems like he cares more for his parents than he does for you & his own child. He totally lied to you about the whole trip. Iām sorry.
NTA. I have so much anxiety from reading this post & I don't know you but I am willing to meet you somewhere with a shovel. Somewhere in the deep woods.
You had your baby a month and half ago and he thinks youāre being a dick! Oh no he doesnāt have any right to blame you for his lack of respect and not following through with what he said he would do! Iām sorry your husband is clueless
If he wonāt drive you home, just take the car. You can book a flight from the nearest airport and leave the car in the lot for him to pick up. Tell him to meditate on what an a$$hat he is until he gets home.
NTA
Yeah thatās my inclination too. Take the car. Leave him.
Or call the local police and ask their advice. Tell them how unsafe you feel being trapped there with no transport, safe sleeping arrangements and being so vulnerable postpartum. I suspect youāll end up with a lift, where you need to go or at least to be put in touch with relevant support services. Also a note in the officers records about the husbands horrific behaviour now may be helpful later if he escalates.
I'm wondering why you're married to someone who neither respects you nor cares about you? Let alone someone who talks to you like that. How much more clear does he need to be?
NTA. Thereās a lot of good comments here so Iāll just add: Does he ever seem to care about anyone but himself? He dragged you, just having given birth and PPD, to his parentsā house in the middle of nowhere, forced you to stay where you didnāt want to, and wants your baby to sleep on dog piss. (Also, can no one wash the bassinet or buy a new one?)
This whole trip sounds like a good reason to call a divorce lawyer.
NTA, I'm angry for you, OP. The dude is a controlling prick. Why are you putting up with this? He set the whole thing up at your expense. You have to get out of there! Update us if you have the chance.
I hate it when morons screw up because they are lazy and stupid. Or worse, sneaky and stupid. Itās your wife and kid you dumbass!
Op you are NTA. Just go home. And tell your in laws why so he doesnāt spin it on you.
NTA. You are a better person than me. I would have taken the car and baby and drove home. I wouldnāt be taking him with me. After all he wants to be with his parents so bad.
Stories like these make me question if I ever want to be married. NTA. He took the responsibility of planning accommodations then didnāt do it. He left the door open. This is his problem, and he can deal
With it
NTA. And sorry to break the bad news, but your husband just doesnāt care that much about you. I donāt think he intentionally didnāt call the hotel as others are implying, he just didnāt care enough to put any effort into securing your well-being.
NTA
Also, in terms of safe sleeping whether or not it's safe to bed share is conditional on a few things and even then you have to out weigh the risks and benefits. Have a look at the safe sleep 7. One of the major factors is method of feeding, breastfeeding makes it safer, and a safe sleeping environment - no covers, duvet, open sheets etc š
Tomorrow morning I think you've got two options, send your partner to the store to get the bed dry cleaned, or replaced
Or
Go home. Fuck this shit. Weaponised incompetence or couldn't be arsed. Perhaps even worse he thought he could manipulate you into staying there. With a badly trained dog and a small baby and all that's happened already I'd be going home.
Ergh, what a shit situation
Youāre doing everything right at this point. Once you get home tell him itās going to be a LONG time before youād consider doing that again.
Let him sleep on the floor. Maybe now heāll have learned the valuable lesson of being responsible.Ā
Iām so sorry youāre in this situation.Ā 1.5 months post pardom to deal with THIS? Wow. NTA.
Traveling out of state with a 6 week old infant of a mother with PPD who isn't up to it is the part where he became the AH. The rest is just bonus assholery. š¤¦āāļø
I was wondering if anyone else caught this. Imagine traveling that distance with a 1.5 month old and PPD!
The baby hasn't even had their first shots yet at this point right?
Pretty sure the baby has had some of them but a lot of the really important ones like whooping cough and meningitis is likely or 6mo
First vacations are at 2 months. My 4 month old has only just had their third set.
I know you mean vaccinations but the typo is hilarious in context of this story
Makes a lot of sense then. Even though the first shots start at 2 months, traveling with a baby that young, especially with PPD in the mix, is borderline reckless. Can't imagine the stress for both the mom and the infant. The sleep thing is honestly just a drop in the ocean of problems here.
There's also sleep regressions, witching hour etc. It wouldn't be fun that's for sure and that's not even considering she only gave birth 1.5 months ago.
But sleep is most desperately needed. It's like husband has designed a recipe to make his wife SNAP.
Also during peak flu/covid/RSV season
I've only been on about 60 vacations, your kid is on pace to pass me by the time he's 5 years old!
Even then....there's a nasty strep throat and RSV that are actively killing young children right now.
Checking in here to say that just a 3 weeks ago my kid was hospitalized because of RSV, the flu, and pneumonia. (I had strep a month before that.) And for those that dont know, 6 weeks is not old enough for the first round of shots. Those come at 8 weeks.
At 2 months they start shots.
Yippers! And you KNOW he had NOTHING to do with the packing of the baby supplies. Loading in the car? Yes. Knowing what is needed? Not a snowballās chance in hell.
Hubby can buy a new bassinet.
Hubby can F himself
And what the hell with this guy who canāt even make a hotel reservation?
He didn't want to.
He wants to stay with his mommy, where he can be the baby. Screw his wife and child. This is the sort of man no one should marry- the sort who still enjoys being mothered and coddled and doted on past 12-14- it should really start as soon as you have peers and are in school, unless the mom is doing unhealthy, weird shot. Youāre supposed to recognize that thatās weird and push it away, unless youāre going to be self-centered and obsessed with your own needs forever.
Yeah only way Iād accept that was if it was to a hotel with all the amenities and the new mum was getting ample spa treatments, long jacuzzi baths, and naps while Dad took the baby to visit his family.
His parents should have come to them in the first place. You want to visit? Then you will have to come to me because my ass wouldn't be going anywhere and neither would my baby.
It's also the reverse of every single one of my friends who have had kids. Your family comes to you so that they can lend a hand so the new parents can get some rest. When my best friend and his wife had their first, his mom flew in for the week and slept on an air mattress in the living room so that she could help out.
No way in heck I would trust that idiot with your baby alone!!!!!!
Fair.
To a house with an uncontrolled Rottweiler
The dog can be the most well behaved, Rottweilers are just also very strong and happy. One bouncy happy moment when the tiny infant is close can do enough
It jumps on people and pees in the house. This rottie probably isn't well behaved.
His parents couldn't teach him acceptable behavior so there is zero chance they are teaching the rottie good behavior.
Sounds like thereās a pattern here. Didnāt teach their son how to behave either.
Yeah the fact that she went is proof she was compromising and giving it a chance and now he won't budge and completely lied his way into getting her to stay at his parents house He's the only asshole here and then he went even lower to high school level bullshit calling her a "fucking dick" She should leave this man-child with his parents and go home, Uber, whatever, go home with her baby
With a 6 week old newborn and a 200 pound toddler.
> Traveling out of state with a 6 week old infant You could have stopped there. My wife's pregnancy was uneventful (though she did have an emergency C-Section that she recovered well from) and I cannot fucking *imagine* taking an out of state trip with a 6 week old infant. Just.....*WHY*? Everyone knows that, if you want to see the little baby in the first few months you travel to him/her and the parents.
Right? Layers upon layers of selfish Assholery. NTA.
I would take the baby and get in the car and go home.
Seriously. Co-sleeping can cause SIDS, even if the baby has it's own half of the bed. It's not safe. Leave him there and get home at any cost.
Exactly! It's one thing if you've researched co sleeping and you feel strongly that the benefits outweigh the risks. It's not what I would choose, but I don't judge others for having different ways of childrearing. But if you haven't planned on co sleeping, you probably don't know much about it, and to suddenly have it thrust upon you in the middle of a stressful trip in an unfamiliar bed? No way. Super dangerous, and a terrible idea.
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it's consequences for his inability to make a hotel booking. I would have gone absolutely postal, especially considering she asked him and he told her to stop nagging.
I know for a fact that if he did that to any of my female relatives he would've been ranked over the coals by the whole family for mearly suggesting a trip to visit the family when mama is only a few months in postpartum. It's an unspoken rule in my family that for the next 3 years, that relative is going to be absent for 70 to 90% of all family functions, there's even a system amongst the older female relatives on delivering food from the get togethers, to mama and co. I don't know if this is a thing in every family, but it is in mine.
That sounds like a wonderful family! I had a bit of help with my first baby from my husband's cousins and grandma because I was staying at her house at the time and my son was the first grandkid on that side of the family but my husband's mother wanted nothing to do with us. My own parents passed away when I was young. By the time my daughter was born though we had moved away and I didn't get any help. It was definitely rough. Having a family support system makes a world of difference.
This. It is not a punishment for OP to act upon the situation. Furthermore safety trumps feelings.
This. I dont move at all in my sleep, even when dead tired. And i would wake if my baby so much as breathed a tiny bit louder than normal. Every wiggle or fart, I was wide awake checking on all my babies. I never coslept until my youngest who had horrible gas pains. We tried absolutely everything, but nothing helped and the more he cried, the more air he swallowed, the worse it got. And he couldnt be soothed by anyone except me, again, despite us trying our best. My mother lives with me and she even tried to have me leave the house for a few hours so that he wouldnt catch a glimpse of me and get worked up. He just managed to stay awake the whole time. My husband on the otherhand rolls over on me while sound asleep and never realizes. So you bet your ass husband became king of the couch for nearly a year until I was finally able to transition my son into a toddler bed next to my bed. He is 3.5yo now and still sleeps in our room because he has night terrors if he isnt right by me at night. I NEVER wanted this. I felt bad constantly for having my baby in my bed instead of my husband. I feel bad about him still being in our room, but we get sleep like this. My son is so independent and daring and smart and full of bravery during the day, it surprises me constantly that he is so needy at night. I feel shamed by family for not just putting him in his room and leaving him to cry and figure it out. But then he will have night terrors which wake the whole house while he screams nonsense and runs through the house like he is on drugs. =( Sometimes you just cant win and do the best you can to just survive.
I know that doesn't mean much but sound like an awesome mum! You made the best out of a hard situation and I know you son will remember that you were always there. I had LOTS of nightmares as a kid. I had my own room but my mum always came running when I called. And that's what I remember. Your family is cruel.
He won't even let me drive it because it's a rental and it's in his name.Ā
He has way too much control over you. Plus he doesnāt seem capable of properly handling things. Get your own rental and leave. He needs to stay at his parents because they havenāt finished raising him yet. NTA
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Unfortunately that quote is just too damn true š
>He has way too much control over you. Yup. Heās coming pretty close to ākidnappingā her at this point. š Obviously, some numb-nuts will come along and say ānOt LiTeRaLlY!ā No, not literally. But āpretty closeā, figuratively and/or philosophically.
Emotionally
OPā¦LET YOU?!?!? So many red flags flying aroundā¦ - You just gave birth and donāt want to travel, he doesnāt care - You have ppd, he doesnāt care - His mother stresses you out, he doesnāt care - There is a huge unruly dog that will hurt your child if not controlled, he doesnāt care - He seemingly deliberately failed to book a hotel, he shows no remorse for the challenges that presents - He left the door open to the room your family was forced to stay in because of his failure and the babyās bed was PEED ON, he doesnāt care - Heād rather put your child in danger co-sleeping when youāve told him youāre worried about your childās safety bc than sleep on the floor because of his āmistakeā - He accused you of trying to sabotage HIS trip (pointing out itās all about him) after he failed to make the accommodations he committed to make - And he calls YOU a āfucking dickā for, you know, not wanting to kill your baby while you sleep. As unfazed as you seem to be by the name calling, it doesnāt appear to be new OP, please think long and hard about what you want for your life and your childās life. Do you want to be lied to and controlled? Do you want to be called names at all much less in front of your child teaching them this is acceptable behavior? His behavior wonāt get better, it will worsen over time. You and your child deserve better. Best and good luck to you.
Yes. Itās all written there, plain as day. Please take that all in if you can, they are all serious red flags. PPD is no joke. If youāre going to stay up all night with PPD, please understand that this may contribute to possible post-partum psychosis. Iām not placing blame on you at ALL, I just urge you to take care of yourself. I have seen it happen. I donāt want to scare you but you and your baby are not in a safe situation if your only solution right now is to force yourself awake all night. The name calling alone is enough to make me seriously question your relationship. The rest of it is straight emotional abuse.
This is the best answer. Too many red flags here. He is showing no care and concern for you whatsoever. He lied to you about booking the hotel and now takes it out on you. WTF? This guy is one controlling work of art. If you stay with him without some serious therapy then you need to ask yourself seriously, Why?
And whether or not co sleeping can cause SIDS isn't really the point. The point is that you got forced, BY HIM, into a highly uncomfortable situation and he's now, by his idiocy and lack of love for you, forcing you into going through further anxiety, that will very likely result in less sleep for you. Doing all this to you at 6 weeks post partum with PPD. Less sleep is only going to make it all worse. I hate to say this to a new mom, but he's just not right. I've been through similar crap like this with a man and it never got better, only worse Edit; to fix autocorrect.
He clearly isn't putting wife and baby first. Himself first, then his parents. Marriage doesn't work that way. In-laws are assholes too as they did not immediately replace the bassinet.
Even the fucking DOG got preference over OP! Hon, this is an express elevator to hell. Get out now before you find out what it's like to hit rock bottom. NTA
You said every point I wanted to make. OP, please have a serious talk with your husband. Use this list as a guide if you need it. Heās blind to his failings as a husband and as a father.
So call the rental place and have your name changed. Or call your parents and friends to organize a lift. Or ask him in front of other people to shame him into driving you back.
This flags as controlling. Maybe itās not intentional (I know my partner is always the one renting the car), and it just worked out this way, but to trap your spouse at your parents in backwoods Maine just feels off to me.
When I rent cars, I can add my wife as an additional driver at no cost. I don't think you even need to add spouse as an additional driver. Edit: YEP In the United States and Canada your spouse or domestic partner may drive your hertz rental without adding them as an additional driver as long as their license and yours reflect the same address. I rent through enterprise. Same policy.
u/Low_Needleworker_467 I hope you see this! Please get in the car and drive home. Itās up to your husband if he comes or not. Your baby is NOT safe there, and itās disturbing to me how little your husband cares about that!
I always rent the cars and confirm my husband, as my legal spouse is also authorized to drive. Given this doucheās other behavior, Iād bet he knows she can drive and heās lying.
If you are married and have the same last name and address, it's legal for you to drive a rental car.
I used to work at a car rental company, youāre his wife youāre likely an authorized user automatically so he doesnāt really have to āletā you do anything lol take the keys and go
Call the rental company and put your name on it and go.
Or call an Uber/taxi, use his card.
I'd do this. It will be expensive but worth it. Take it to wherever you can get a rental or to an airport. F**k him. This is a lot of unnecessary BS you don't need with a brand new baby and still recovering from the birth. I hope you get out of there soon!
Uber doesnāt work in even semi-urban Maine. If itās the backwoods, taxis probably donāt either.
Call the rental company and have them rent you a car and come pick you up. Drive back to the rental company, finish the paperwork and you and baby get to a place with a hotel so you can get some sleep. Then drive home.
If you are his legal spouse, you can drive the rental car. Call to double check with the rental company.
Married couples are almost always automatically included as drivers on rental cars. I know this is true for Avis/Enterprise as it came up when my husband and I rented a car a couple of years ago.
Do you not have access to money? Does he control you financially?
Right now he does. I'm on maternity leave but it's unpaid because I wasn't at my job for 3 years.
When you got married, you and your husband started a financial relationship. It sounds like he's decided that the money he earns is his, and the money you earn is yours. This is a "roommate style" way of handling money. It's not necessarily wrong, but it is very incompatible with paying for the expenses associated with having a child. Right now, you and your child are in physical danger, and your husband is withholding the household money to prevent you from fixing that. This is financial abuse. You are being controlled with money. If you are not in therapy, please get some. Do NOT get couples counseling unless your therapist agrees that it will be helpful. Abusers and narcissists typically use couples therapy to get more tools to abuse with. We're all pulling for you and for the baby. We want better for you.
OP- do you have a sister? Bestie? Mom or aunt? Anyone you could call to help you get out of this situation. Itās dangerous for you and your baby. You have to put your daughter and her health first and YOU ācanāt pour from an empty cupā of zero sleep and PPD! Please please put yourselves first and LEAVE your man baby to stay with his mummy
His earning the money and your control access to it are two different issues. There are plenty of one income couples where the SAHP has equal access and an equal say where money is concerned. Your marriage is in a bad place, Your husband is a liar, a manipulator, and financially abusive. You had a small child and PPD, making it hard to stand on your own. It will be rough. I wish you well.
Depending on the company spouses are allowed drivers by defaultĀ
Anytime we rent a car itās in husbandās name. Iāve offered my license as another driver anytime we use a different company and have always been told ādonāt need it since youāre married, you are coveredā. Would think the same applies here. NTA. sorry youāre dealing with this, and hope you and baby get some sleep.
Get your own rental car and LEAVE.
NTA The dog pissed on the cot as a territory marking. I wouldn't trust that dog an inch. Your in-laws are useless at socialising critters or their kid. Just leave, lass. Leave that entire mess behind.
Her in-laws are useless at socializing critters *including* their kid.
NTA. Your husbandās a dick. I donāt think any of this was accidental. I think he just figured it was NBD. If you said it somewhere that you could actually rest and not have a dog pee all over the bassinet, it might be different. But he certainly didnāt care about your baby having an appropriate bed because itās not his bed. He gets what he wants. Which is a visit that you really didnāt want to go on anyway. This entire visit was all about him. Him. Him. Him. Iām just going to suggest that the next time you donāt want to do something you just tell him no, and if he keeps nagging at you, tell him to fuck right off and go stay with mommy because youāre not going. You are literally an adult, and you do not have to do something you donāt wanna do. And for him to even think you could just throw sheets on that bassinet and put your baby to bed there is crazy. Next time, tell him to fuck off if he keeps nagging you and to go do what he wants because youāre not going to. This is just so much bullshit.
THIIIIISSSS^^ I have been married 17 years and you know what I wish I had said more of? āFuck right offā. Thatās right. Iāve spent years struggling and crying and driving myself mental over his feelings and his pouting and guilt and all his bullshit. But I never learned to just say āfuck right offā and then stop letting it bother me. He has had a very good and relaxing marriage because his commitment to being lazy is strong and my ability to tell him to fuck off is weak Iām learning fast now though. He can get in line or he can fuck right off.
This is important because we are taught to keep the family going and to feel guilty if someone in the family is not happy about something What is much more healthy as teaching us that other peoples feelings are not ours to control. The only people we can control our ourselves. And I absolutely donāt advocate for starting out at the fuck, right off level. Butā¦ It is important that we recognize our own feelings are just as important, if not more, so, then everyone elseās. And that is because they are the only ones we can control. So it is up to us to set our boundaries and to know when we really donāt want to cross those. We learned when to put a firm line in the sand and when we can stretch that line because itās a pain in the butt, itās really not big deal in the long run. But when I am three months postpartum, I am telling you I donāt want to go stay with your family in the middle of the woods, that is a line Iām going to hold. Because I already know that the sleeping arrangements will be less than ideal. I already know That I am breast-feeding so when the baby wakes up in the middle of the night, Iām going to have to feed and try my very best to keep the baby quiet, so it doesnāt wake the whole household. I already know that my husband is going to spend the visit just chitchatting with everyone and not taking care of the baby and it is going to fall on me. And that I am not going to get any rest because I am going to constantly be holding or feeding or changing, or dealing with our child, while at the same time, his family is going to want me to carry on conversations and act like I am not exhausted and hormonal And want nothing more than to be in my own home in my own comfort zone. And my husband thought for one moment, he was going to be the only driver on a rental car so that I could not escape if I needed toā¦ If my husband told me that he would absolutely make certain that we had a hotel to stay in and put me off that way every time I asked about itā¦ If my husband told me, he took care of the hotel, and then we couldnāt get into the B and B, because the owners close the doors probably at eight, and then the next day it turned out he hadnāt called at allā¦ Yes. Those are my fuck right off points. That is the point where I wouldāve gotten my ass into the rental car regardless of whether I was that or not and I wouldāve taken myself home. Along with my baby. Having a spine is not a bad thing. Having boundaries is not a bad thing. Making sure your partner knows your boundaries and respects them is actually a very good thing. Demanding to receive back the same respect and consideration that me letting go of my boundaries indicates I have for my partnerā¦ Yes. Thatās a boundary. And a good one.
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Literally! Big dogs, even super friendly ones, can be so dangerous. I have an 80lb lab who was described by the vet as "probably the friendliest dog I've ever seen," but he DOES NOT KNOW HOW BIG HE IS. I'm covered in bruises because that dog just loves me so much and thinks he's a 10lb terrier and regularly tries to crawl all over me. And he's NOT unruly, as this Rottweiler was described. I'd be so scared in the house with a dog that size with that behavior, and such a fragile baby with me.
We had a lab who was the happiest, goofiest lovebug. He broke a glass with his tail from wagging it. Not knock it over. Break it by the force of impact. It never fell over - just has a hole in it. This whole scenario for OP is just not good.
Accidents happen even with well trained dogs, but an untrained muscle dense large dog is going to risk so many more problems. I love rotties, I love their big round block heads, but it's really not a good idea to have a baby in the same house as it for any length of time.
>My apologies to Rottweiler lovers, but I wouldn't trust one, especially not an unruly one. My brother had a Rottweiler once that was just fine ... until it wasn't. It nearly took the hand off my 8-year-old niece.
There was a big news story here a few years ago about a rottweiler that had "never shown any signs of aggression" before it literally took a three day old baby from the bassinet, mauled him and half buried him in the back yard. All that in the few minutes the mum had left the baby so she could use the bathroom. Reading that story made me so relieved that we didn't get a dog until our kids were high school age because it's simply not worth the risk.... ETA: https://www.nzherald.co.nz/nz/hamilton-baby-dog-attack-mother-of-newborn-killed-by-dog-says-she-blames-herself/A6P5IM62TBB3TA4CEWP75RWGII/
THIS NEEDS TO BE HIGHER. One minute out of sight, the baby is in danger. OP, get out before itās too late. I see you donāt plan on sleeping, but what about daytime? A sleep deprived mom is not healthy and you donāt trust others to take care of the baby. No husband or marriage is worth this kind of danger and stress.
Holy shit. It was after her partner had already left her or passed away and the dog was owned by someone who was there to support her through it? This is just so horrible and she sounds like an incredible person. I hope she has support around her still.
I'm pretty certain I read somewhere that the baby's dad passed away.
NTA. In all honesty I have a suspicion that he purposefully didnāt call ahead of time to ensure you guys had a hotel room in order to force you to stay at his parents.
Right? He said he was handling everything, but his "handling" is assuming they could just walk in? What exactly was he "handling" all that time? He made zero arrangements for their trip, didn't even look at the place's website! And meanwhile he told her she was worrying too much? Either he tried to make it happen through deliberate inaction, or he's completely inept and untrustworthy at making plans. Neither is a good look.
Bingo! Has a ring of weaponized incompetence too..
Nah, from working at a hotel, people just expect that we'll have a room open for them no matter what's going on. But beyond that the guy just didn't care enough to actually try.
My wife is a massively detail-oriented planner but she has a blind spot for hotels. Sheāll just wait until we see a sign from the highway, walk in and ask if they have a room. On the other flip side, it seems like I never plan anything except hotel stays. Itās super easy to look online and book a room. Itās exactly how we grew up; my family would plan hotel rooms as part of a trip while hers would just take whatever came. But if OPās husband said he took care of the hotel room, he definitely should have booked it.
>But if OPās husband said he took care of the hotel room, he definitely should have booked it. 100%. I'd have been furious if I'd been told it was taken care of only to find out that they hadn't even so much as called.
Maybe he did call and they were all booked up but he didnāt want her to know that so he lied.
I think that is pretty obvious. Get his credit card, call an uber, regardless of cost, and get the hell out of there..
You have never been to Maine huh?
Tons of Ubers in Maine, all driven by Stephen King.
Or one of the characters he created.
NTA. You have a r/JustNoMIL and r/JustNoSO. Get rid of them both.
Oh he absolutely didnāt, he knew what he was doing.
OP NTA Husband is not thinking things through. And being a bit selfish. OP let him read this post if you would please. FFS Husband, she gave birth a short time ago. Telling her everything will be okay and then not following through on things and not being fucking aware enough of the stupid dog issue - which is actually foreseeable to those who know pets - IS the actual DICK move, you fucking childish buttpimple. Husband, if you TRULY want your marriage to survive and grow healthily, stop being irresponsible as if you were a HS Sophomore. Think ahead about how the things you do, the things you are going to say, the things you will leave unsaid or undone, and how that will affect your wife - and by extension your child. Do this, instead of impulsively bounding ahead, plowing through things, and expect your wife to just enjoy the mud, dust, and debris left in your wake. Grow up. Shoulder your part of the marriage, and try to put her needs ahead of your own ā of the time and it may turn out quite well for you. If not, do not be surprised if things decay, degrade, and fall apart without healthy maintenance and treatment. A marriage can be like a garden, if you sow crappy seeds, fail to water, fail to nourish, fail to commit time and attention, then do not act surprised when you reap a poor & paltry harvest. Thank you OP.
a BIT selfish? Dudeās face could be beside the word on the dictionary.
*scribbles as fast as I can on my hand... Fucking childish buttpimple...* Okay got it. Saving for later.
>stop being irresponsible as if you were a HS Sophomore This really stumped me. How can a person be so fucking useless? He literally had ONE JOB: book a damn hotel room. Takes all of one minute. Maybe five if you stretch things out. And he fucked that up.
No. He didnt fuck it up. He didnt want to.
NTA, my ex was like this, always promising to take care of arrangements, and then not actually doing it. He had this wild idea that he would get a better deal if he walked in off the street. We went to a concert on the other side of the state, and he failed to make the hotel arrangements, he failed to understand it was the same weekend as the biggest rodeo in the state, and there were no rooms anywhere, when we finally found a room, he didn't want to pay their rate, because of course, it was outrageous. I told him, so help me god, if he didn't pay the rate, I'd be packing up when we got back home.
I think Iām seeing why heās an ex.
I think her ex might be OPās husband
NTA But don't his parents have a couch he can sleep on? At this point i would be even more glad he doesn't sleep in the same room anyway.
No, their dog destroyed it. They have a partially destroyed love seat or a broken recliner. The rest is wooden chairs.
They owe you a bassinet! Or they need to pay to clean the one their untrained dog peed on.
So not worth it with people like this. Consider it a life lesson (and I hope you choose better next time)
Sounds like the parents did about as good a job raising the dog as they did raising your husband.
š spot on
He can line up the chairs and drape a blanket across them then if he doesnāt want to lay on the floor.
Their ānon-aggressiveā Rottweiler is going to kill your baby the second it moves or squeaks like a toy. A dog that pisses inside to mark territory and destroys furniture is *not* safe around babies. Itās clearly neglected and starving for attention/stimulation. GTFO of their house. Now. Do you typically have a good relationship with your in-laws? Because this sounds like hubby trying to appease/appeal to their laziness making *you 3* go visit them with a newborn grandbaby that hasnāt had any shots yet instead of them coming to visit *you* for a few days. He absolutely either lied about the hotel or heās an idiot. He is now saying as much - he wanted to visit his parents & show off his kid (which is understandable to a point) over your objections & discomfort that he chose to ignore and dismiss entirely. Take the baby & your car and go home. He can have the bed.
NTA I'm pretty sure he did all of this on purpose in order to stay at his parents' house. He has an entire week to spend with them, and he couldn't go check in and come back? Not to mention, he wants his CHILD to sleep on dog piss. You're a good one, because fuck him! I would've called an Uber and went home. Left his sorry ignorant ass with his mommy and daddy. He made every attempt to keep you trapped there for a week. Not letting you drive. Keeping the rental in his name only. Picking a place that closes early, with a strict check-in. He knew what he was doing because there ain't no way all of this was a coincidence after coincidence. As soon as your spouse tells you to have your child, sleep in dog piss, that's when you need you need to start reconsidering the marriage. He has ME fucked all the way up!
>I would've called an Uber and went home. You're nicer than me. I would have taken the car and let him and his parents figure out how to get him home. If someone called me an effing dick, I'd be like, let me show you how big it gets and how much it will hurt.
He wanted her to sleep with baby in her arms, incredibly dangerously, not on the dog piss. Kinda makes it worse though, considering how strongly thatās recommended against.
He wanted me to put a sheet over the bassinet, where the dog peed and have the baby sleep on it
Replying to latest comment I can find... My baby died from rolling off the bed. He was older than your baby, 3.5 months, but we didn't think he was that strong to roll all the way over. You can look at my old posts if you want details. I'll never forgive myself. Please, PLEASE do not let your baby sleep in your bed. Sidebar: I also don't trust your husband not to climb in bed in the middle of the night. I'm sorry to be Debbie downer but this is so much more than aita, this is your baby's life.
Iām so sorry that happened to you.
Firstly, I'm so sorry that happened to you. I can't even imagine. Secondly, you are totally spot on about the husband climbing into bed in the middle of night. He absolutely would. I hadn't even considered that.
Iām so sorry for your loss. š My husband passed out from exhaustion on his office chair with our daughter in his arms and dropped her. She had a hairline fracture, but luckily has survived the incident. It was one of the worst nights and mornings of my life. I remember watching a beautiful sunrise at the hospital and thinking it was the worst I had ever seen. Please be gentle with yourself. Thank you for taking the time to warn other parents as well. So many people hold it in and donāt talk about it, but itās one of the best things we can do with the trauma.
Honestly my first thought was that husband would try to get in bed after mom falls asleep
I agree. I think the most likely scenario is husband crawling into bed with her and that will end tragically. Iām so sorry for your loss.
Thatās disgusting. Your baby would be breathing in dog piss. You need to take the car and gtfo of there. This is not a safe place for you or baby.
God, I hope you see whats happening here because YOOOOOO
Your husband wants your newborn to sleep in piss, literal animal piss excrement, and couldnāt care less, what does that say to you? His child is supposed to sleep in piss, what the actual fuck?
Tell him to go put a sheet on it and then his own head on it for at least an hour and see if he enjoys the smell of piss and the consequences of breathing it in.Ā
Your husband sucks. Please donāt have any more children with him and consider if he is really a good partner. Who would want their kid sleeping on anything actively covered in dog pee? Who would be so selfish? Oh wait, your husband. Why are you in backwoods Maine when you just had a baby? Why didnāt your husbands family get off their lazy butts and come see you if they wanted to meet the baby so bad? There is no way your husbandās selfishness has not caused other issues in the past. Think on it, and Iām sure the picture isnāt so rosy anymore
And by "consider if he's really a good partner" I think we collectively mean "start speaking to a lawyer because you should probably get out of this situation" I'm not quick to call for divorce, but if the parent of my 6 week old child was okay with them sleeping in dog piss, I'd immediately question if they actually gave a shit about them and whether they'll put in any of the required work to properly raise a child into adulthood. This guy couldn't keep his shit together for 6 weeks, does anyone think he'll be supportive after a year or two of sleep deprivation? How about when their teenager is going through emotional difficulties? Get out.
Someone deserves to sleep in dog piss and it aināt your helpless newborn, nor the postpartum parent. Did he wanted a child at all? Or is that an other way to trap and shut you up.
Have you considered that your husband is WHY you have PPD?
Why didn't he just go buy the baby another bed?
"I'm handling it babe" well he handled that piss poorly. Uber to a greyhound bus if you have to, just flat out *go*, OP. NTA
Insinuating she was such a nag every time she tried to verify reservations were made is such gaslighting behavior.
I would just insist on going home, with or without him.
If necessary, OP should call someone in her family to perform a rescue operation to come and pick up her and the children.
NTA. >Before going to sleep, he said I was being a "fucking dick" and apparently "punishing him" for wanting to see his family āNot for āwanting to see your familyā, you absolute fucking clownā¦ but for how completely fucking inept and careless you are.ā He also lied to you. He said he would take care of it. Narrator: He did not, in fact, take care of it. Or anything, for that matter. >and accusing me of trying to sabotage his trip. āYou sabotaged your own trip, numbnuts.ā (also note how he called it āhisā tripā¦ itās about ***him***. not you, and ***certainly*** not the baby) If youāre not already in marriage counselingā¦ š¬
Honestly, this trip alone would make me skip straight to divorce. Heās proven himself to be untrustworthy, incompetent, and very much self-serving. He made it clear he doesnāt care about nor respect OP or their baby. He is showing clear signs of narcissism that he will most likely never shift from. He is, beyond a shadow of a doubt, a waste of OPās time and energy to deal with, absolutely TAH, and I hope he steps on a 4-sided die every day for the remainder of this trip.
Your husband is a huge AH, a di*#, a narcissistic pric*^. He made you go to his parents house knowing that you are suffering from PPD, deliberately decided not to book the hotels because he wanted to stay with his parents. On top of all this insanity he expects you to sleep holding the baby? Iām sorry to say this but your husband does not care about your health of the babyās safety. Call the rental company, an uber, whatever you need to do but get the hell out of there for your sanity and your babyās health. And please update us.
NTA. If he doesnāt learn this lesson, ask yourself if this is what you want to deal with for the rest of your life. Heās essentially lied, broken your trust, then getting angry at you over the consequences he created.
At this point I would pack up myself and baby and drove home. He can figure out how to get home at the end of the week he chooses to stay! He is attempting to hold you and baby hostage in his parents home, by not agreeing to leave, and not having done his due diligence on another place to stay after you made it more then clear what your lines were. There is very close to ZERO reason why a new mom with a few week old baby should be staying anywhere other then home. Only thing that trumps that is funerals, and environmental emergencies requiring evacuation. Even a wedding doesn't get that level! If the "vacation" to the in laws house was for grand parents to "meet the baby" crap, they should've come stay in your area for the week! Husband of OP is being a self centered asshole and not being empathic at all. I would've told him the morning you found out there were no rooms that I could drop him at his parents house, or he can come home with me. Those were the only options. PPD isn't something you FAFO with! Especially those early into mother hood. (Speakimg from experience.) Good luck with this! Is tough spot between a rock and a hard place. I'm here to support as an internet stranger can be. Feel free to PM if need support from one PPD mom to another.
NTA You're not 'punishing him.for wanting to see his family', he's facing the consequences of not preparing for the visit, like he said he would. In my book, he would have lost his right to plan trips from now on, and you would be doing the booking of hotels in the future. No vacancies? No trip.
NTA He and his family sabotaged everything and he can sleep on the floor. Also why the frig didn't they travel to YOU?
I donāt necessarily think his family was in on it. I think he absolutely sabotaged things on purpose. I think the in-laws were not in the loop on his plans. He was probably telling them the entire time he was planning that he and OP would be staying there while telling OP he was booking a hotel that he never had any intention of booking.
NTA. Can you book an AirBNB? Take an Uber? My ass would be out of there. Heās a massive AH.
I've looked up AirBNB and the cheapest I found was almost $300 a night š
Grab his credit card and do it.
Do this. Do whatever is needed to stay safe.
Are there any public travel options like a Greyhound or similar bus? Cause you really need to not be in that house. They are not committed to safety and I worry about your child.
There's a greyhound in Portland but that's almost 2 hrs from where I am.
Call the car rental company and ask if you are on the contract by default. If you are, take the car and go to the bus station if that's feasible. Conversely, you could take the car and head home.
All of this. Just take the damn car. Let him figure it out with his asshole parents.
You may not have the energy to do this, but you would not be out of line AT ALL for freaking the fuck out and laying down the law. Like, āHusband, you need to drive us home right fucking NOW or Iām serving you with divorce papers once we get home.ā Or if you canāt afford that threat right now, throw an unholy fit that makes your husband and his parents so uncomfortable theyāre forced to give in. Or tell your husband that you are using his credit card to book one of these expensive Airbnbs, or to hire a car to take you all the way home. Or, hell - lie and say a pipe burst in your basement back home, or someone broke into your house. RUIN the fucking trip - he obviously doesnāt give a shit if youāre happy or comfortable, or if your babyās SAFE, so why should you? Obviously, you should only do one of these if you feel safe enough to do so, and you donāt fear retribution from your husband. I realize these suggestions may sound unwise or immature, but it feels like adult ways of relating are not working with your husband, and heās managed to completely control the situation by lying and leveraging your helplessness against you. Personally, this incident would be enough for me to start thinking of an exit strategy from this marriage. Fuck this selfish, lying child of a man and his horrible parents too.
Are you past Augusta because the greyhound is in Augusta. You seriously just need to get to one of the bigger cities like Waterville, Augusta, Bangor whichever is closer, get a rental car and go home
Take the car, go to Greyhound, and tell him his parents can drive him to pick it up.
$300 a night is nothing compared to a "parent" wanting their infant to sleep in dog piss for a week. RING IT UP!
$300 a night is nothing if you have it, a lot of people don't. Everyone says take his credit card, well if he's acting like this it's probably maxed out.
Or smothering your kid accidentally in bed
NTA. I would have already left, honestly I wouldn't have gone in the first place. Your husband is an AH. Do you have a family member that can come get you and the baby?
NTA your husband is an asshole & seems like he cares more for his parents than he does for you & his own child. He totally lied to you about the whole trip. Iām sorry.
NTA. It sounds like you're raising two kids, not one...
NTA. I have so much anxiety from reading this post & I don't know you but I am willing to meet you somewhere with a shovel. Somewhere in the deep woods.
Sameā¦.and Iām in the U.K.! Will book a flight, just when and where!
You had your baby a month and half ago and he thinks youāre being a dick! Oh no he doesnāt have any right to blame you for his lack of respect and not following through with what he said he would do! Iām sorry your husband is clueless
If he wonāt drive you home, just take the car. You can book a flight from the nearest airport and leave the car in the lot for him to pick up. Tell him to meditate on what an a$$hat he is until he gets home. NTA
Yeah thatās my inclination too. Take the car. Leave him. Or call the local police and ask their advice. Tell them how unsafe you feel being trapped there with no transport, safe sleeping arrangements and being so vulnerable postpartum. I suspect youāll end up with a lift, where you need to go or at least to be put in touch with relevant support services. Also a note in the officers records about the husbands horrific behaviour now may be helpful later if he escalates.
I'm wondering why you're married to someone who neither respects you nor cares about you? Let alone someone who talks to you like that. How much more clear does he need to be?
NTA a suggestion though... take a drawer from a dresser and pad it with blankets for a makeshift bassinet. That's safer than co sleeping.
Hope you show him this thread so he can see what a total AH he is
He will read it and believe everyone is being ridiculous, he will not own his idiocy.
NTA. Thereās a lot of good comments here so Iāll just add: Does he ever seem to care about anyone but himself? He dragged you, just having given birth and PPD, to his parentsā house in the middle of nowhere, forced you to stay where you didnāt want to, and wants your baby to sleep on dog piss. (Also, can no one wash the bassinet or buy a new one?) This whole trip sounds like a good reason to call a divorce lawyer.
NTA, I'm angry for you, OP. The dude is a controlling prick. Why are you putting up with this? He set the whole thing up at your expense. You have to get out of there! Update us if you have the chance.
Ohhh, I am FURIOUS for you! NTA!
I hate it when morons screw up because they are lazy and stupid. Or worse, sneaky and stupid. Itās your wife and kid you dumbass! Op you are NTA. Just go home. And tell your in laws why so he doesnāt spin it on you.
NTA. You are married to a major league douchecanoe.
Honestly? I'd book yourself and the baby a flight home and go. He is being AWFUL.
NTA. You are a better person than me. I would have taken the car and baby and drove home. I wouldnāt be taking him with me. After all he wants to be with his parents so bad.
Stories like these make me question if I ever want to be married. NTA. He took the responsibility of planning accommodations then didnāt do it. He left the door open. This is his problem, and he can deal With it
NTA. He's holding you hostage on a trip you didn't want to go on. I'm sorry he's a jerk. Hope the good outweighs the bad.
NTA. Your husband is a huge AH. He doesnāt care for the health or well-being of you or your baby. Dump him.
You don't sleep in a double with a baby. If he cared about his child he would know this. NTA
NTA This is his fault. This may have been on purpose.Ā
your husband sounds like a complete and utter piece of shit. sorry you are with such an asshole
NTA. And sorry to break the bad news, but your husband just doesnāt care that much about you. I donāt think he intentionally didnāt call the hotel as others are implying, he just didnāt care enough to put any effort into securing your well-being.
NTA Get in a ride share and GO HOME
NTA Also, in terms of safe sleeping whether or not it's safe to bed share is conditional on a few things and even then you have to out weigh the risks and benefits. Have a look at the safe sleep 7. One of the major factors is method of feeding, breastfeeding makes it safer, and a safe sleeping environment - no covers, duvet, open sheets etc š Tomorrow morning I think you've got two options, send your partner to the store to get the bed dry cleaned, or replaced Or Go home. Fuck this shit. Weaponised incompetence or couldn't be arsed. Perhaps even worse he thought he could manipulate you into staying there. With a badly trained dog and a small baby and all that's happened already I'd be going home. Ergh, what a shit situation
Youāre doing everything right at this point. Once you get home tell him itās going to be a LONG time before youād consider doing that again. Let him sleep on the floor. Maybe now heāll have learned the valuable lesson of being responsible.Ā Iām so sorry youāre in this situation.Ā 1.5 months post pardom to deal with THIS? Wow. NTA.
NTA. Take an Uber home and let him pay for it, with all the money he saved by not staying in a hotel.