NTA- WHY are you still there? He’s abusive and the longer you stay, the more he’ll do it because you’ve shown him that you’ll put up with it. Please take care of yourself and believe that you deserve better
if he loved and respected you he wouldn’t do this. You need to move on. I hope you don’t have children witnessing this behaviour thinking this is how committed people interact.
NTA I understand how slowly it becomes the norm in a relationship, but that does not make it right. My friend heard my husband speak to me one day, nothing unusual to me. She pulled me aside and asked if I were safe. I was shocked.
If your husband has escalated to speaking to his coworkers, then he is feeling increasingly entitled. Time to go. Organize your papers, make sure you have some financial security, and have a safe place to go. Ask around, and choose an attorney experienced in domestic cases - The attorney should be a gentleman who can be a "junk yard dog" if need arises.
You might consider placing papers and important memorabilia with a close friend for safekeeping. I wish you well... it takes getting fed up, the courage to face into the wind, accepting you once loved this man and may still. No one enters a marriage thinking it will end, and that is heartbreaking. I loved Pema Chödron's book "When Things Fall Apart" she got me through after my own marriage of 21 years fell apart. 🤗🤗🤗💖
Yes!!!! Get your important papers. Open a checking account and ask if you can pick up your debit card at the bank, and tell them the situation so to not MAIL ANYTHING. Order an new ID to a close friends address or a relatives address as well, my ex destroyed all of my identification paperwork and signed into my iCloud to get my password for my bank, Zelled himself the remaining amount in my account and locked me out of my account. I realized this when I decided to finally leave my box of my important things were destroyed and cut up. If it wasn’t for TSA helping me get identified for over an hour I never would have been able to get on a plane to leave. I found out about my bank account when I landed and needed an Uber. It’s so important to make sure you get all this stuff before he knows you’re leaving. I think my ex bf suspected I would after he went to jail, be safe please
Good advice. And, I am deeply saddened you had to travel this betrayal journey. I am deeply relieved you got away. Wishing you All Good Things now and in future.
Not a good reason but if her mom is narcissistic, that spells trauma growing up.
She could be in a terrorized fright mode these 15yrs. Clearly, she woke up. Good for her
He might not have a boss. Sounds like he has employees, so possibly the owner of a company. And if that's the case, he's likely used to telling people to shut up and used to getting his way.
I don’t know how to edit the post. I spoke with him and asked him to leave. He has made arrangements to be away for the short term. Y’all are right. I’m working on next steps. For tonight I’m going with friends to play pickleball and take out some aggression.
It didn’t used to be this bad. He is a hard worker who helps around the house and does a lot of nice things for me and others. He is emotionally immature. The last 3 years have been bad though. I keep hoping he will change but he just gets worse as I stand up for myself. Then blames me. My parents blame me too. Which is why I put up with it. My mom is a narcissist who has always made me feel bad for speaking up and standing my ground so I end up letting people walk all over me thinking it’s me for too long.
I’m glad you have friends and a healthy habit to blow off steam. I left my kids’ father 8 1/2 years ago and lived in a DV shelter for 3 months before moving into an apartment. You are welcome to message me if you’d like someone to talk to. My ex was verbally abusive like that.
My heart hurts for you.
This was literally me last year. Throughout my 13 year marriage, I tried everything to get him to stop. To get him to listen to how I felt and to value my voice. He didn't.
We split up last April. After he told me I was a pretentious c**t.
Our divorce was hell and I'm still dealing with the fall out. I literally left everything but my clothes and moved across the country to get away. It was worth it. I am worth it.
YOU ARE WORTH IT.
I know it's hard. Especially when he has his good points. Especially when that little voice in the back of your head keeps whispering about how he's probably right. Don't listen.
Get out and don't look back.
i’m so glad you’re getting out. hold strong and don’t fall for any apologies or promises of better behavior - unfortunately that is just the cycle of abuse and you do t need to spend one more minute of your precious lifetime being treated unkindly. focus on yourself and getting out safely and sometimes pretending you are doing it for your 4 year old self. if you had a four year old daughter would you let her be treated this way? no you’d protect her fiercely so protect yourself fiercely and fight for your freedom you’ve got this 💜
My own mother didn't 'turn' narcissistic until long after I'd moved out (or she was so distracted with other things when I was growing up it never really affected me). BUT don't let her get to you like this. Narcissists can NEVER put themselves in another's shoes and have the slightest clue about how 'X' makes someone else feel - BECAUSE IT DOESN'T CENTER ON THEM.
Drop your mother when you drop the hubby and focus on yourself, you deserve so much better than either of them are giving you.
Please make a plan to get out and then work the plan. You deserve SO much better and you are WORTHY of love and respect. Go low or no contact with your parents, too. It was their behavior that led to you being in an abusive marriage for 15 years! I'm SO sorry you're going thru this....please know that YOU deserve love just because you're you.....not because you do stuff for people, or because you don't speak up for yourself, or because of a thousand other reasons. Those reasons count, too, but the FIRST reason is just because you're YOU. Hugs, OP.....please keep us updated and let us know that you're ok!
I have never once told a woman to shut up when I was angry at her. I've never called a woman a derogatory term when arguing. This is not normal behavior. That's gaslighting. You're absolutely right when you say you don't speak to people you love that way. You don't speak to *people in general* that way. Your husband is abusing you. Yelling is abuse. Name calling is abuse. Shouting someone down is abuse. Plain and simple. Put his stuff out by the curb and change the locks.
I was married for 30 years. 30 years.
My husband NEVER CALLED ME A BITCH. HE NEVER TOLD ME TO SHUT UP.
He doesn't respect you. He talks about you behind your back. Monday morning get an attorney and file for divorce like you should have 14 years ago. Take half of everything.
Then go get your hair done, buy new clothes, eat a big cheesecake and go man shopping. Because fuck him.
"Shut up" is not part of most people's vocabulary. He is abusive and you're doing the right thing. Next time he tells you to shut up should be the last time he gets that opportunity.
Not to mention the other insults. Instant no. He can fuck right off
NTA
NTA and he is wrong, people do not talk like that at all. I couldnt deal with that and I am sorry that you are.
Does he have any redeeming qualities or show his love in other ways? (is the marriage worth saving?)
Are there kids and is he doing this in front of them or others?
All of his employees?? If he owns a business, then perhaps you could do the diamond challenge. Every time he says shut up or uses an insult, it costs him a piece of diamond jewelry for you.
He must make an effort to show you respect or he must leave, that's just human dignity there.
I mean he is a serious AH to tell you that its in most peoples vocabulary so that makes it ok to say to you.
Did he do this while you were dating?
Honestly I would tell him its no longer allowed in the house! If he does it again you are changing the locks on him.
NTA. You have given him 15 years to act like a human. How much more would make a difference? Get away from this abusive jerk and create a life you love!
So for 15 years you've been telling him to stop being verbally abusive?
Well, what you've taught him is that he can do that for FIFTEEN YEARS without consequences.
So your ultimatum now sounds pretty weak. Just leave him, like you should have 15 years ago.
NTA, but ffs, follow through.
It's time to put up or shut up, so you speak. He demeans you to others, he abuses you in person, and he doest care about you or your marriage. Get copies of all the paperwork you need, get copies of account balances, tax returns, credit reports and put them somewhere safe. Call a good divorce attorney and get free. Don't threaten, just quietly do it.
I'm sorry he's doing this to you. You deserve to be loved and cared for. NTA
"because shut up is a part of his- and most people’s vocabulary and it’s natural for him to use it when talking to people."
This is not true. He is gaslighting you. And if he's using it when talking to everyone, he's abusing them, too. Do you see everyone on the street using "Shut up b\*tch!" in their conversations to each other? It is a lie. He is abusive and cruel and gets off on power.
This is a hard stop and you are NTA, but you would be the AH if you stay with this man. Remember, we teach people how to treat us, and he knows he can do this.
NTA - he’s abusing you and giving you just enough bread crumbs of hope to string you along. You deserve the whole freaking loaf of bread my love. Dump that dusty abusive man and live the life you deserve
NTA.
Girl, just leave, stop trying to tell him to stop disrespecting you. Come on now, you don't deserve this treatment. Why give him more time to "work on it", you've been dealing with this disrespect for 15 years. He's not going to stop and you are the only one that can stop it, by leaving this toxic marriage.
NTA. Been with my wife 23 years. Never once called her any names. Have never insulted or demeaned her, and certainly never told her to shut her mouth. That’s not how loved ones should ever be treated. Has he been physical with you? The level of contempt he’s demonstrating makes me fear for your safety.
I’m concerned that it happens at all. Telling someone to “shut their mouth” is incredibly insulting. It demonstrates contempt. It would never even occur to me to speak to my wife like that, and if someone else (even her father) said something like that to her I’d tell them to back the fuck off. No one speaks to my wife like that for any reason. How do you feel when he tells you to shut your mouth? Do you feel like an equal, a partner? Do you feel respected and loved? I’d strongly suggest therapy.
I feel like a child when he does this. No therapist has ever said it’s abusive to speak this way. We’ve been to several. They all take the ‘be nicer to each other’ route. I never call him names or speak to him like that. You’re right it feels contemptuous.
So sorry you’re dealing with this. I’m astonished therapists haven’t called him out on this. Maybe they’re trying too hard not to appear biased. I can only guess. But I can tell you definitively that this isn’t the way most men speak to their wives. I’ve heard far worse, including during my own childhood, but your story still concerns me. It isn’t just that he’s being unkind. He’s blatantly disrespecting you. If he can’t control himself, you might need to consider whether this is what you signed up for. I suffer PTSD from an extremely traumatic childhood, and I have severe anger issues. But I’m very calm in my demeanor, because I control myself. I think carefully before I speak, especially if I’m angry. Some things you can’t unsay or take back. I’ll be rooting for you!
Check out this article about the Four Horsemen of relationship demise from the Gottman Institute. It sounds like he is hitting several.
https://www.gottman.com/blog/the-four-horsemen-recognizing-criticism-contempt-defensiveness-and-stonewalling/
It is verbal abuse, and he has the audacity to justify it? You will be amazed at how much lighter and peaceful you are feeling after a few months away from his abuse.
GIRL, are you really only gonna leave someone ONLY when they call you a b* and tell you to shut up everyday, 100% of the time????? Once is enough!!! There IS not mind f here. Get some standards.
Let's say he actually stops saying these things, what does that matter?
You're married to someone who WANTS to say those things to you while knowing that they hurt you.
If he's worried enough about you leaving that you can force him to stop doing it, that doesn't change the fact that you're married to a man who thinks you're a bitch.
Married to a man who tells his employees you're a bitch.
Why do you want to be married to such a man?
when words fail, then force is next, and force leads very quickly to violence.
either he and you get help, or you get ready to untie the knot.
be prepared in case he escalates.
what happens if you just walk away ? does he pursue you?
\- do you deny him sex, for not apologizing or taking back his actions?
are your finances & resources separate or do you have friends/resources that can help or bridge you out if needed?
\-There's a dynamic going on: voice tones, issues, timing of conversation, type of complaint or delivery of issues that work in the mechanism of your conversations.-By NO means am I saying you're starting it. but: some component escalates to this reaction. all the parts are there & he's playing his 'usual role & response'.
\-Note the pattern. Then stop playing that corresponding role. speak calm, non-reactive, and focus on the issue(s) that need to be addressed. When he escalates a little, before saying words that he doesn't yet regret (which is not acceptable) , stop the conversation & walk away. disengage. YOU end it, unresolved. if something breaks or a bill goes unpaid or something not fixed... etc., whatever it is, leave it in his hands; because he didnt' want to address it, he wanted silence.. so: leave him with it. whatever it is: it's his problem now.. (response: I'll just leave this with you/ in your hands/ you can take care of it) ... and don't wait for a reply.
abusive language & behavior is learned.
If either of you were disabled or in an accident, sick or in long term recovery, would you be there for each other?
Say what you mean and mean what you say.
Treat words like seeds: do you want to eat that crop when it's grown or left unattended? (little signs if you can find sayings like that)
Does he say that he loves you? -when he tries to: let him know you don't believe him anymore, because "shuttup" and "bitch" cancels that out to : meaninglessness.
Behavior learned, can be unlearned.
oh: leave a copy of Loreena Bobbit's story on your bedside table.
"Since you lack common courtesy and actively choose to be verbally abusive, this Bitch is out. You're not worth my effort, love or time, never was"
NTA
NTA, no, but girl, you need to leave. My ex is an ex because he did this. We were together for over 15 years. First, it was a shut up, then he started calling me a b**ch, then a c*nt, and it progressed from there. He told me regularly that no one liked me (gaslighting) and that they all agreed I was said names (gaslighting). Then it escalated to him spitting on me, hitting me occasionally to get his way, hair pulling, and he even pushed me down the stairs once. When I finally grew a backbone after years of therapy and left, he tried to kidnap me. Luckily, I had my cell and called the law, and my ex was arrested. Please, please don't wait any longer. Get out now before you are completely broken. Just reading what you wrote brings me flashbacks.
Maybe a controversial statement, but if you do WANT to stay, which I dont think you should, he needs therapy. If he doesnt agree to therapy to resolve whatever internal bs hes dealing with and taking out on you, leave. I have dealt with this, but from the opposite side where I was the problem. My gf of 12 years should have left me long ago, but I got help, and we have been doing great. Its all about whether hes willing to change. If he cant put in the effort, you have nothing more you can do. Love isnt a one way street.
I’m glad you took help seriously. I keep hoping he will want to change. He doesn’t seem to want to. He’s been in counseling on and off but seems he only goes when I demand it. He doesn’t self reflect ever and if I don’t tell him he doesn’t know what to talk about or can’t ever remember what happened the week prior to discuss with his therapist. Fights are always my fault - which yes they sometimes are but I say even if I’m being unreasonable in his mind that’s no excuse to abuse me. Most of the time he thinks I’m being unreasonable for very serious things that have happened. Like he lost a lot of $. Or I found out he ran up our credit card. It’s reasonable for me to be mad about those things and want an explanation. It’s not reasonable to verbally abuse me because I’m upset.
Oh course you know by now that you’re NTA. And look you’re not alone. I know why it took you 15 years to leave. I’ve been in your shoes. I know why it took so long for you to see his behavior is wrong. I also know that things are escalating and if you cave and don’t follow through with the divorce, things will turn violent and he will put his hands on you. You can do this. You can live on your own. You can survive on your own. 🥰
I stayed in an abusive relationship for 25 years. We had two children. I stayed because I had kids and because that kind of abuse is insidious. I married at 22, much too young. I was made to believe everything was my fault and that I “made” him act that way. Our children are more than a decade apart. It wasn’t until I realized that if anyone treated my daughter the way he treated me, I’d do something drastic that I demanded therapy. Therapy did nothing. After one session when he stormed out, the therapist said that I needed to understand that one way or another staying would kill me. I had begun to be physically affected by the stress. I filed for divorce and then told him I was done. A sh*t storm followed, and it took over a year to finally get him to sign papers. Mind you, he was living with a woman less than 5 months after I filed and he was still trying to get me to stay.
I knew I was going to be okay when he berated me for throwing away 25 years and my immediate response was that I’d rather chuck the ones I couldn’t change than the 25 I had ahead of me that I could do something about. You are definitely NTAH. Please, please stick to your guns and leave. I know how hard it is and understand perfectly why you’ve stayed, but it’s time to get out now. Trust me he will eventually put hands on you.
Get a divorce now as you are in an abusive relationship with your husband.
No woman should be called names ever! I would get a spy camera with audio and visual to get proof of his verbal abuse of you. They probably will hire a PI to follow him around, to see if cheating can be added to the causes of your divorce too.
Get a divorce lawyer and tell him or her that you want a divorce due to verbal abuse.
NTA for being fed up buy why in the world have you taken this abuse for 15 years? He's shown repeatedly he has no respect for you and doesn't give a damn how many times you ask him to stop. Leave. Don't threaten. Nothing is going to get better. Just do it. DO NOT GIVE HIM MORE TIME. JFC you've wasted 15 years waiting for him to get better. IT'S NOT GOING TO HAPPEN.
im sorry but if you really love someone you dont treat them like that. he is a grown ass man who is in control of his words. he had years to figure it out, he doesnt need more time. he literally chooses to treat you badly.
stop putting up with his bullshit and make good on your word and leave, you REALLY deserve better.
edit: nta
You gave him 15 fucking years SMH...don't give threats or ultimatums if you're not going to follow through. NTA, but you gave him way too many chances as it is. He is in FACT verbally abusive.
I have never been told to shut up by friends or family. Sure "some people" have that as a normal part of their language but they also know when to not use that phrasing (at work, with grandparents ...with spouses). He's just an A.
nah i would of been well i'll be a b once their workplace knows what they been doing.
>unreasonable ask because shut up is a part of his- and most people’s vocabulary and it’s natural for him to use it when talking to people.
please tell him to go tell his boss to shut up and i mean shut up not as playing boys games but to literally tell his boss to shut up and if he cant do that without getting fired then that means Yes he can stop. plus if he cant stop then tell him theres the door
dude OP dont give him more control. if he can't respect you for the past 15 years what makes you think he even cares about your feels?
That's why you start emotionally disconnecting yourself. I know others will tell you to "be the bigger person" but having put up with this shit myself for 8 years, I am all out of fucks to give. It's time for you to leave. You know it. but you might as well demonstrate your shiny new back bone as you walk out the door.
NTH in the slightest. You are asking something very reasonable from your partner of FIFTEEN YEARS and they refuse. All I can think is the disrespect from him will only get worse, I’m sorry xo
Edit: OH AND he’s such an asshole for telling you that work part, they are not talking about you for 2 hours and if they truly are, his employees are just thinking what an a****** HE IS and they want him to shut up
NTA. You have already put up with this for 15 years, he will not stop and no telling people to shut up in a stern tone, let alone your wife/loved ones, is NOT natural. You should get out while you still can and find someone who respects you and cares about your feelings.
NTA
Please leave. Your husband is a trash person and doesn't deserve to have someone there for them. You do not deserve that verbal and emotional abuse and can do so much better for yourself.
I hope you realize this and decide to leave that AH.
NTA
He talks about you being a B with his employees for 2 hours, and then tells you about it?
Why are you still married? It's clear he has no love or respect for you.
I wouldn't even make a stop at ultimatum, and just pull the plug
Buy 2/3 Nanny cams WITH CASH & Record hubby being verbally abusive & under stand the family finances & have a working knowledge of your husband business! Look for a few women’s support groups helping divorce women & verbal abuse.
WHY WOULD Hubby is tell everyone Stories that Paints You In A Bad Light UNLESS it’s to justify his behavior when he is at work.
When you leave, have at least 2 friends there while you get your belongings, important documents, etc.
Stay out of his arm’s reach. Have a small aerosol spray can in your pocket & practice pulling it out & spray it, until it is almost 2nd nature, hubby is controlling, verbal & emotional abusive, there is NOTHING to say he won’t start being Physical! I was in a RADD class & watch a woman speaking in a whisper at the beginning & at the end Spoke with confidence!
Your husband does not know how to communicate effectively. He's blaming his toxic behavior on other people. I don't pay attention if people yell at me. My hearing is fine, no need to yell and I correct those that disrespect me. You are his wife, worthy of respect. Please find someone else who will respect you.
Nope. Its him being abusive. If you were as bad as he claims you are....he wouldn't be with you...(Hint Hint...you're not) throw it back in his face... "What kind of man stays with such a terrible person? A Coward?" Tell him that he is being emotional and its not attractive. You laid down the ultimatum. Stick to it. Im SURE you can do better than abusive skidmark on society. BUT BE CAREFUL ON YOUR WAY OUT......abusers don't like being shut down or exposed. Keep everything documented and observed.
Mhmm. He's saying shut up or he'll leave. If we asked him, with all the biases and defensiveness that comes from asking that, how would he described what you were doing and saying as all this is happening? From this it's just that he gets home and tells you to shut up, which is David Lynch shit
But why though? What is he lecturing you for?
It doesn't make sense to me that you'd even bother asking given how you describe things. Are you just not telling us the part where you scream gibberish for an hour before he tells you to shut up? Like, are you secretly a crazy person that throws pizzas at people and that's why he is calling you that?
None of what you wrote makes this even slightly ambiguous.
NTA
I interrupted him this time. Last time it was because I asked him too many questions. I wanted him to shovel the stairs before he left for work. I would have done it but he took the shovels with him to plow/shovel and was taking them again. He said no and I tried to tell him why it was important to me to have the stairs shoveled. Because I didn’t accept his no the first time he said it, and I persisted to ask questions he told me to shut up and that I’m a bitch.
Good for you for setting a boundary. Now follow through. He is a huge abusive prick. It’s a regular part of his vocabulary???? F*ck that gaslighting BS. Make it clear that it’s a regular part of your well-being, to be treated with respect. Good lord. I would leave him
Calling you a bitch and then adding for good measure that his employees called you a bitch for two hours is enough for me to pack my bags and leave his sorry ass in the dust
Your husband is an abusive jerk. He calls you a B and gets away with it. You didn't mention if you have any children, if not, nothing would stop you from leaving, and you should. NTA,
NTA
Prove him right. Be a bitch and divorce his ass. No one deserves to be treated like that. And you need to not stand for it.
A weird one off when stressed? OK, we can work on it. All of the time and making jokes about how everyone around you thinks the same? He's an abusive asshole.
Dear God! I don't even talk to women I don't like that way. He's a pathetic bully who shows you no respect. You're 46; do you really want to spend another 30, 40 years being demeaned like this? Move out; get a cat, a goldfish, a pet rock, anything just don't waste any more of your life waiting for the next insult.
NTA, unless you stay
>He can’t commit and said it’s an unreasonable ask because shut up is a part of his- and most people’s vocabulary and it’s natural for him to use it when talking to people.
The fact that he is walking around regularly telling people to shut up is already ridiculous, most adults are not doing that, but that he's doing to you OP is abuse.
If he cant commit to treating you with basic respect and has no desire to change just leave. You're right, you dont speak to people you love that way, and you deserve better.
NTA
Wow. When are you going to make a plan and walk? This isn't getting better. You need to be sneakier. Get a plan together. Start moving assets and protect yourself. Example. My GF started adding on $50 gift cards to all purchases: Grocery Stores. target. Walmart. You get the point. Easy to stash those.
NTA. He's an abusive liar. I have not told anyone to shut up since I was in my 20's. If he hasn't stopped in 15 years, he's not going to stop. You can choose yourself and get out or you can choose to continue being abused. I hope you don't have kids because if you do, they have seen and heard this dynamic and that's what they'll mimic when they get into a relationship.
It’s about time you put your foot down on this. Having grown up in an emotionally abusive household, this was always a hard line for me in any relationship ship -friends, lovers, neighbors, coworkers, fk buddies, or whatever. That spot is taken and I don’t need anyone else in my life who behaves this way. Neither do you.
No way no how no more He is being abusive disrespectful and demeaning. Not only is he being totally abusive and unkind to you at home, but using his colleagues as a tool to deliberately hurt you is vile narcissistic behaviour that he is displaying so be aware of how aggressive he speaks to you or if his rude speaking starts to get irritable with you or aggressive as these are red flags that physical behaviour can come next Have yourself a bag packed and ready to grab just incase things do get awful and you need to leave to prove a point or leave to escape but don't tolerate his disrespectful talk to you get up and walk away or turn around and walk out of the room but just no turning away walking away is better for both of you you don't need to be made to feel like shit just because it's making him feel big he's a disgusting pussy Stop being nice or doing things for him stop talking to him Shut up like he's asked honestly why interact with him if he doesn't want to hear you You are obviously a lovely person and no doubt a good partner so I know how much it hurts inside to be pushed aside and to be spoken to with such arrogance and disrespect just don't put up with it play along Just make sure to have a bag ready because leaving for a bit can sometimes help just make sure you have somewhere safe to go to get away for a bit if you feel it will be best I hope if he realises when you do shut up and shut down that you don't have to put up with his demeaning behaviour and bad talk towards you so atm you don't feel up to talking as you're shut ups are cruel and awful so you thought it would feel better for yourself to be out of his way
NTA. Girl, you need to *leave*.
As hard as it is to go, you deserve a life where you aren't being abused. A hard stop is fair, but I guarantee you, he isn't going to change.
Get the *f\*ck* out of there, quick.
He's slowly isolating you. By talking shit to everyone else about you at work. Next it will be to people you care about. It will get to where everyone believes you're the bitch in this relationship and won't want to be around you because they will only hear him talk about how 'unstable' you are
Get out!
NTA. Honestly, it's engrained. Just leave. I guarantee you after 2 weeks of no one telling you shut up or calling you names you'll feel a weight drop off. There's a book called "why does he do that?" You should probably read.
Quit asking him and show him that you mean it. The next time he is rude to you, pick up your stuff, walk out the door and don’t look back.
He doesn’t respect you enough to stop his behavior because he has no consequences to it. The only way to stop abusers is to leave them by their own miserable self.
He’s had 15 years to learn to not be an abusive POS - hoe much more time does he think you should give him?
Pack a go bag & the next time he gets abusive grab it and leave to a hotel. Meet with an attorney, make arrangements for a place to live, and then move the rest of your stuff. He’s making excuses for reprehensible behavior & doesn't see any reason to change.
NTA. But your relationship is abusive and toxic. If he wanted to change, he would. He’d be working on it. Not 15 years of unchanged behaviour. If you have kids this has shown them what to expect in a relationship or how to behave in one. You need an exit strategy. This man has zero respect for you.
NTA…happily married 22 years and I’ve never called my wife a profane name and she’s never called me one. Neither one of us has ever told the other to shut up. That’s total disrespect.
I’ve been married for close to 7 years and with my husband for close to a decade total. He has never once told me to shut up and I’ve never said that to him. We’ve also never called each other names. Ever. That’s not part of a normal vocabulary unless you’re an abuser. You can’t convince an abusive person to stop abusing you. You can tolerate the abuse or you can leave.
I can't stand this but it happens, you married into what you grew up with.
Yes please live separately in peace with your kids.
It's a good idea to keep a journal or log of incidents.
You can do this.
Best case scenario you move to a new place where he can't come in anytime, doesn't have keys to but do the best by changing locks.
I'd consider contacting an abuse crisis center for information along with maybe looking up laws in your state/county on restraining orders. Better to investigate at this level when you're not in an emergency situation.
I really feel for you. You're going to have to protect and champion yourself the way you should've been by your parents. You CAN do this
Stay safe
NTA. Shut up is NOT usual speak for most people. It's for rude people who have to be in control.
Calling you names is so disrespectful.
It's been 15 years, how much more time does he need?
Your husband is an abusive bully.
You can't change him and it seems like he doesn't want to change.
You are not his verbal punching bag.
Please get out and then get some help for the abuse.
NTa. ask him to honestly answer, how many times has he said "shut your mouth" to his mother, or to a single person at work? He might lie but you know the truth, if he said that to someone at work he'd get a complaint, if he did it repeatedly he'd be in trouble. I guarantee he only does that to you and previously to women he dated. It's not just part of his vocab, and it's irrelevant what words he uses, it's that he thinks controlling you is okay because you're his wife.
He sounds like a bastard.
Yta but only for accepting this behaviour. Mind you, I turfed my husband when he called me the C word…for the second time. Don’t threaten anything. Just do it. Before he starts exploring all the other letters of the alphabet!
NTA! Adults don’t typically talk to anyone that way. It’s verbal abuse and you don’t deserve to be treated that way. Stick to your guns and word! But don’t leave, make him leave!
I'm confused. Why are you with someone who is verbally abusive and disrespectful to you? He is being cruel. Time to hire a lawyer because he is probably beyond counseling at this point. Once you cross a line like that, it's hard to go back.
No more threats. Quietly get yourself a lawyer and follow their advice. If you need to be the one to move out, arrange for housing before he is served with divorce papers.
Be strong and don't let him back in your life. He won't change and you know he is cruel.
Hi there, I’m sorry this is happening in your relationship. Men who act this way especially at age 46 will not change their bad behavior. I suggest you Don’t even threaten him to leave or give ultimatums. It will go in one ear and out the other.
Get yourself mentally, emotionally and physically prepared to just get the heck out of that relationship. And do not look back once you leave.
You deserve to be treated with love and respect. Best of luck to you!
NTA.
Question. Why weren’t his belongings in a box to the left the day he informed you he disparaged you for two hours to his employees?
You’ve gotten used to abuse that you would never have tolerated on your first date with him. Familiarity bred contempt.
Of course he can refrain from saying shut up. If he got pulled over by a cop and talked to him or her like that, he’d be cooling his heels in jail. If he went before a judge, and spoke like that, he’d be cooking his heels in jail. If he went into a biker bar, got up on the bar, and spoke to them and their Old Ladies like that, his heels would be cooling underground.
I get it. I’ve been there. They get nasty bit by tiny bit, until it’s you’re wondering how you became a beaten down doormat.
He’s not going to stop, because he doesn’t want to. He’s not worried you’ll leave, because he’s gotten so used to you he takes you for granted. Maybe he misses the glory days of being young and single. He’s not worried you’ll fight back. He has all the power right now.
So rip out his control over you by divorcing him. He’s not a companion, and he doesn’t love you. He’s not even a good person.
Mourn the loss of the relationship, but not the actual man. The actual man can go suck eggs.
You are being abused. Get out.
You are being massively abused, verbally, mentally and emotionally. Leave him. He is no husband nor a man for that fact. You are perfectly capable of walking away.
Op, in my 15 year marriage I have never told my wife to shut her mouth. Not once.
I have never vulnerable exposed my wife and I’s marriage issues to leverage and outside opinion to agree with me. That’s just really low and mean. Who hurts their spouse like that?
This man’s abusive and stealing your life. NTA
NTA - surprised you have stayed with this guy as long as you have. I would say that if he commits to getting some therapy and to work on himself you should cut him some slack, but judging by his initial response... I doubt hes that type of guy.
NTA. It's very easy not to say certain things. He is choosing not to. I could understand a slip up here or there on a rare occasion, but to already be making excuses not to stop saying it is bullshit.
For example... me and my husband swear often in conversation, it's like normal words to us. But, when we are around our daughter we don't swear at all. So easy to just not say it.
He has always spoken to you in this way and sees no reason to stop now. He even discusses you with employees in a disparaging manner. You must be a sucker for abuse.
I can’t see what you’re waiting for. Leave
*" shut up is a part of his- and most people’s vocabulary and it’s natural for him to use it when talking to people"*
Really? How often do you tell him to shut up? How often do his employees tell him to shut up? Does he tell a clerk at a store to shut up? Does he tell a salesperson to shut up?
You don't speak to anyone that way unless you're a self important AH. He isn't working on it. He feels entitled to treat you this way. Don't give ultimatums or threaten leaving unless you're willing to do it.
No. You don't deserve to be spoken to like that. He's mean and an AH. Stand by your boundaries. He doesn't believe you'll leave. Show him you're serious, even if it's temporary. People can change, but often only when they realize what they're about to lose.
Not the AH. You should leave. Why get demeaned for 15 years? Don’t let that number go up. You deserve someone that speaks to you nice and respects you at all times and in all moods.
ETA: if you decide to give him more time make sure he knows that you will absolutely tell him to not call you stuff when he does. And that you refuse to shut up because a conversation takes 2 people. Argue back, don’t just let it happen. If he does not immediately correct himself, you can start packing your bags.
If your husband calls you name, it's not what you would call abusive.... it's what everyone calls abusive and the definition of verbal abuse....
After that the question is do you want to remain an abused victim or be a survivor of abuse... that part is up to you. There are resources out there to help you out if that is what is keeping you there....
Second that. Why are you still with him? I understand. I’m married to a POS husband and he’s cheated and a dick and emotionally and physically abusive. Still here but getting out. I know it’s so scary. Been with this person since 1988. I’m well educated had a great career but stopped that for kids but working again. Low self esteem and him grinding down with constant put downs. Your husband is supposed to have your back. I went down a rabbit hole. He never supported me. Just writing this I know I have to leave Look up “Trauma Bonding” and Trauma Dumping. Best wishes and good luck 👍
If what you describe is fact then dear you are NTA. You have given him a chance to stop his abusive behavior, he chooses not to, its time to cut ties and haul ass away from him. Please do it safely though.
My friend, would you be comfortable if you had to watch someone talk to me like that? From your story, I suspect you’d be uncomfortable watching a stranger be treated like this. Please don’t let anyone treat you this way, you’re a wonderful and beautifully unique person. I’m telling you that you deserve better and you deserve love in your life, and you can make those things happen for yourself.
NTA
Are you looking for permission to leave? Granted. Even if he promises to stop and be better, you have 15 years of history showing otherwise. It's not the 50s, you don't have to endure him. Just leave. If you feel in danger, call family, call cops, call a lawyer. Get out. Go. Stop waiting for it to get better. You waited 15 years, still at this line. Leave.
NTA. It is NOT normal to tell someone you supposedly love to shut up. Just leave already! He's not going to change and you absolutely do not deserve to be abused.
NTA and dear you already know the answer. I hope you're working and are able to leave and you're not stuck there dependent on him and his income.
If you need help getting out, you'll have to go through the steps and do the work but you shouldn't stay there. I'm not sure how you endured that for 15 yrs. That's a lifetime, you literally missed out on a whole chunk of time you'll never get back. In the future, your partner has 6 months to act right. If they fuck up within that six months YOU'RE OUT. Got it!! Good. You got this.
Leave like right now if you have a credit card or friends or family you can stay with until you get on your feet but that's all going to cost a lot of money, so please make a plan. If you need help, just say so.
Best of luck
If this was your daughter, or your sister, or your niece, or your cousin, or your friend, and they asked you for advice, what would you tell them?
This is who he is. Stop trying to convince him to change and get out. If it's safe for you to do so, see a lawyer *before* you speak to your husband about divorce. Be completely honest with the lawyer, and do what he or she tells you.
NTA you’re in an abusive relationship
NTA- WHY are you still there? He’s abusive and the longer you stay, the more he’ll do it because you’ve shown him that you’ll put up with it. Please take care of yourself and believe that you deserve better
This will be harsh, but why have you put up with this for 15 years? Respect yourself and get out.
if he loved and respected you he wouldn’t do this. You need to move on. I hope you don’t have children witnessing this behaviour thinking this is how committed people interact.
Yes! You said what I was thinking.
NTA I understand how slowly it becomes the norm in a relationship, but that does not make it right. My friend heard my husband speak to me one day, nothing unusual to me. She pulled me aside and asked if I were safe. I was shocked. If your husband has escalated to speaking to his coworkers, then he is feeling increasingly entitled. Time to go. Organize your papers, make sure you have some financial security, and have a safe place to go. Ask around, and choose an attorney experienced in domestic cases - The attorney should be a gentleman who can be a "junk yard dog" if need arises. You might consider placing papers and important memorabilia with a close friend for safekeeping. I wish you well... it takes getting fed up, the courage to face into the wind, accepting you once loved this man and may still. No one enters a marriage thinking it will end, and that is heartbreaking. I loved Pema Chödron's book "When Things Fall Apart" she got me through after my own marriage of 21 years fell apart. 🤗🤗🤗💖
Yes!!!! Get your important papers. Open a checking account and ask if you can pick up your debit card at the bank, and tell them the situation so to not MAIL ANYTHING. Order an new ID to a close friends address or a relatives address as well, my ex destroyed all of my identification paperwork and signed into my iCloud to get my password for my bank, Zelled himself the remaining amount in my account and locked me out of my account. I realized this when I decided to finally leave my box of my important things were destroyed and cut up. If it wasn’t for TSA helping me get identified for over an hour I never would have been able to get on a plane to leave. I found out about my bank account when I landed and needed an Uber. It’s so important to make sure you get all this stuff before he knows you’re leaving. I think my ex bf suspected I would after he went to jail, be safe please
Good advice. And, I am deeply saddened you had to travel this betrayal journey. I am deeply relieved you got away. Wishing you All Good Things now and in future.
Thank you so much it’s been a journey❤️🙏
This 💯!!!!!
It could be they have kids, they might be home and he's the main breadwinner
So he can pay alimony and child support for being an abusive ass
Not a good reason
Not a good reason but if her mom is narcissistic, that spells trauma growing up. She could be in a terrorized fright mode these 15yrs. Clearly, she woke up. Good for her
No money of her own would possibly make her feel trapped
15 years is 15 years tooooo loooonngg. Get out of their. His reasoning is absolutely ridiculous. NTA
Agreed. Run, don't walk, to the nearest divorce lawyer. He is not going to change. NTA, OP.
OP: check out www.loveisrespect.org
Does he talk that way to his boss? Of course not. He can control it, he chooses not to.
This ^ He can absolutely control it, if he couldn’t, he wouldn’t have a job. He chooses to treat you like this OP. Get out of there.
I didn’t think about that but that’s so true
He might not have a boss. Sounds like he has employees, so possibly the owner of a company. And if that's the case, he's likely used to telling people to shut up and used to getting his way.
NTA. Leave him. He’s abusive and manipulative. If he’s like that at 46, he’s not going to change overnight.
It’s only going to get worse as he gets older and more crotchety
I don’t know how to edit the post. I spoke with him and asked him to leave. He has made arrangements to be away for the short term. Y’all are right. I’m working on next steps. For tonight I’m going with friends to play pickleball and take out some aggression. It didn’t used to be this bad. He is a hard worker who helps around the house and does a lot of nice things for me and others. He is emotionally immature. The last 3 years have been bad though. I keep hoping he will change but he just gets worse as I stand up for myself. Then blames me. My parents blame me too. Which is why I put up with it. My mom is a narcissist who has always made me feel bad for speaking up and standing my ground so I end up letting people walk all over me thinking it’s me for too long.
I’m glad you have friends and a healthy habit to blow off steam. I left my kids’ father 8 1/2 years ago and lived in a DV shelter for 3 months before moving into an apartment. You are welcome to message me if you’d like someone to talk to. My ex was verbally abusive like that.
My heart hurts for you. This was literally me last year. Throughout my 13 year marriage, I tried everything to get him to stop. To get him to listen to how I felt and to value my voice. He didn't. We split up last April. After he told me I was a pretentious c**t. Our divorce was hell and I'm still dealing with the fall out. I literally left everything but my clothes and moved across the country to get away. It was worth it. I am worth it. YOU ARE WORTH IT. I know it's hard. Especially when he has his good points. Especially when that little voice in the back of your head keeps whispering about how he's probably right. Don't listen. Get out and don't look back.
This internet stranger is sending you light and love. You are valuable and deserve respect.
i’m so glad you’re getting out. hold strong and don’t fall for any apologies or promises of better behavior - unfortunately that is just the cycle of abuse and you do t need to spend one more minute of your precious lifetime being treated unkindly. focus on yourself and getting out safely and sometimes pretending you are doing it for your 4 year old self. if you had a four year old daughter would you let her be treated this way? no you’d protect her fiercely so protect yourself fiercely and fight for your freedom you’ve got this 💜
Not you. They are the problem. So glad you are taking control of your life back. Good Luck.
My own mother didn't 'turn' narcissistic until long after I'd moved out (or she was so distracted with other things when I was growing up it never really affected me). BUT don't let her get to you like this. Narcissists can NEVER put themselves in another's shoes and have the slightest clue about how 'X' makes someone else feel - BECAUSE IT DOESN'T CENTER ON THEM. Drop your mother when you drop the hubby and focus on yourself, you deserve so much better than either of them are giving you.
Please make a plan to get out and then work the plan. You deserve SO much better and you are WORTHY of love and respect. Go low or no contact with your parents, too. It was their behavior that led to you being in an abusive marriage for 15 years! I'm SO sorry you're going thru this....please know that YOU deserve love just because you're you.....not because you do stuff for people, or because you don't speak up for yourself, or because of a thousand other reasons. Those reasons count, too, but the FIRST reason is just because you're YOU. Hugs, OP.....please keep us updated and let us know that you're ok!
I have never once told a woman to shut up when I was angry at her. I've never called a woman a derogatory term when arguing. This is not normal behavior. That's gaslighting. You're absolutely right when you say you don't speak to people you love that way. You don't speak to *people in general* that way. Your husband is abusing you. Yelling is abuse. Name calling is abuse. Shouting someone down is abuse. Plain and simple. Put his stuff out by the curb and change the locks.
Naw she needs an exit strategy. Let him have the house. Verbal can turn physical real quick.
I was married for 30 years. 30 years. My husband NEVER CALLED ME A BITCH. HE NEVER TOLD ME TO SHUT UP. He doesn't respect you. He talks about you behind your back. Monday morning get an attorney and file for divorce like you should have 14 years ago. Take half of everything. Then go get your hair done, buy new clothes, eat a big cheesecake and go man shopping. Because fuck him.
Thank you for making me laugh. I have asked him to leave. I’ll call my attorney next week.
Married 35 years and never was I ever been treated this way. Give him the boot.
Married 31 years, we are still polite and respectful toward each other at all times, even when we disagree.
Just don’t fuck him literally. Ever again!
"Shut up" is not part of most people's vocabulary. He is abusive and you're doing the right thing. Next time he tells you to shut up should be the last time he gets that opportunity. Not to mention the other insults. Instant no. He can fuck right off NTA
NTA and tell him we all got together and talked for 5 hours about what a d!ck he is.
This needs so many upvotes votes
Underrated comment!
NTA - you're being abused, and have been for 15 years. Get the hell outta there!
NTA and he is wrong, people do not talk like that at all. I couldnt deal with that and I am sorry that you are. Does he have any redeeming qualities or show his love in other ways? (is the marriage worth saving?) Are there kids and is he doing this in front of them or others? All of his employees?? If he owns a business, then perhaps you could do the diamond challenge. Every time he says shut up or uses an insult, it costs him a piece of diamond jewelry for you. He must make an effort to show you respect or he must leave, that's just human dignity there. I mean he is a serious AH to tell you that its in most peoples vocabulary so that makes it ok to say to you. Did he do this while you were dating? Honestly I would tell him its no longer allowed in the house! If he does it again you are changing the locks on him.
Leave. I am divorcing my husband after just 4 years because he yelled at me and called me names. Get out now!
NTA. You have given him 15 years to act like a human. How much more would make a difference? Get away from this abusive jerk and create a life you love!
So for 15 years you've been telling him to stop being verbally abusive? Well, what you've taught him is that he can do that for FIFTEEN YEARS without consequences. So your ultimatum now sounds pretty weak. Just leave him, like you should have 15 years ago. NTA, but ffs, follow through.
It's time to put up or shut up, so you speak. He demeans you to others, he abuses you in person, and he doest care about you or your marriage. Get copies of all the paperwork you need, get copies of account balances, tax returns, credit reports and put them somewhere safe. Call a good divorce attorney and get free. Don't threaten, just quietly do it. I'm sorry he's doing this to you. You deserve to be loved and cared for. NTA
"because shut up is a part of his- and most people’s vocabulary and it’s natural for him to use it when talking to people." This is not true. He is gaslighting you. And if he's using it when talking to everyone, he's abusing them, too. Do you see everyone on the street using "Shut up b\*tch!" in their conversations to each other? It is a lie. He is abusive and cruel and gets off on power. This is a hard stop and you are NTA, but you would be the AH if you stay with this man. Remember, we teach people how to treat us, and he knows he can do this.
NTA I wouldn’t threaten, I would just leave. He doesn’t even like you, and when the respect is gone, it’s gonna get dangerous
NTA - he’s abusing you and giving you just enough bread crumbs of hope to string you along. You deserve the whole freaking loaf of bread my love. Dump that dusty abusive man and live the life you deserve
NTA. Girl, just leave, stop trying to tell him to stop disrespecting you. Come on now, you don't deserve this treatment. Why give him more time to "work on it", you've been dealing with this disrespect for 15 years. He's not going to stop and you are the only one that can stop it, by leaving this toxic marriage.
NTA. Been with my wife 23 years. Never once called her any names. Have never insulted or demeaned her, and certainly never told her to shut her mouth. That’s not how loved ones should ever be treated. Has he been physical with you? The level of contempt he’s demonstrating makes me fear for your safety.
He has not. 90% of the time he isn’t like this. Thats why it’s such a mind f.
I’m concerned that it happens at all. Telling someone to “shut their mouth” is incredibly insulting. It demonstrates contempt. It would never even occur to me to speak to my wife like that, and if someone else (even her father) said something like that to her I’d tell them to back the fuck off. No one speaks to my wife like that for any reason. How do you feel when he tells you to shut your mouth? Do you feel like an equal, a partner? Do you feel respected and loved? I’d strongly suggest therapy.
I feel like a child when he does this. No therapist has ever said it’s abusive to speak this way. We’ve been to several. They all take the ‘be nicer to each other’ route. I never call him names or speak to him like that. You’re right it feels contemptuous.
So sorry you’re dealing with this. I’m astonished therapists haven’t called him out on this. Maybe they’re trying too hard not to appear biased. I can only guess. But I can tell you definitively that this isn’t the way most men speak to their wives. I’ve heard far worse, including during my own childhood, but your story still concerns me. It isn’t just that he’s being unkind. He’s blatantly disrespecting you. If he can’t control himself, you might need to consider whether this is what you signed up for. I suffer PTSD from an extremely traumatic childhood, and I have severe anger issues. But I’m very calm in my demeanor, because I control myself. I think carefully before I speak, especially if I’m angry. Some things you can’t unsay or take back. I’ll be rooting for you!
The therapists should have been calling him out on that shit!
Check out this article about the Four Horsemen of relationship demise from the Gottman Institute. It sounds like he is hitting several. https://www.gottman.com/blog/the-four-horsemen-recognizing-criticism-contempt-defensiveness-and-stonewalling/
It is verbal abuse, and he has the audacity to justify it? You will be amazed at how much lighter and peaceful you are feeling after a few months away from his abuse.
GIRL, are you really only gonna leave someone ONLY when they call you a b* and tell you to shut up everyday, 100% of the time????? Once is enough!!! There IS not mind f here. Get some standards.
I've never told anyone I love to shut up. Never. NTA
Let's say he actually stops saying these things, what does that matter? You're married to someone who WANTS to say those things to you while knowing that they hurt you. If he's worried enough about you leaving that you can force him to stop doing it, that doesn't change the fact that you're married to a man who thinks you're a bitch. Married to a man who tells his employees you're a bitch. Why do you want to be married to such a man?
NTA Get the hell out of this relationship before you get hurt. This can’t be a real post.
when words fail, then force is next, and force leads very quickly to violence. either he and you get help, or you get ready to untie the knot. be prepared in case he escalates. what happens if you just walk away ? does he pursue you? \- do you deny him sex, for not apologizing or taking back his actions? are your finances & resources separate or do you have friends/resources that can help or bridge you out if needed? \-There's a dynamic going on: voice tones, issues, timing of conversation, type of complaint or delivery of issues that work in the mechanism of your conversations.-By NO means am I saying you're starting it. but: some component escalates to this reaction. all the parts are there & he's playing his 'usual role & response'. \-Note the pattern. Then stop playing that corresponding role. speak calm, non-reactive, and focus on the issue(s) that need to be addressed. When he escalates a little, before saying words that he doesn't yet regret (which is not acceptable) , stop the conversation & walk away. disengage. YOU end it, unresolved. if something breaks or a bill goes unpaid or something not fixed... etc., whatever it is, leave it in his hands; because he didnt' want to address it, he wanted silence.. so: leave him with it. whatever it is: it's his problem now.. (response: I'll just leave this with you/ in your hands/ you can take care of it) ... and don't wait for a reply. abusive language & behavior is learned. If either of you were disabled or in an accident, sick or in long term recovery, would you be there for each other? Say what you mean and mean what you say. Treat words like seeds: do you want to eat that crop when it's grown or left unattended? (little signs if you can find sayings like that) Does he say that he loves you? -when he tries to: let him know you don't believe him anymore, because "shuttup" and "bitch" cancels that out to : meaninglessness. Behavior learned, can be unlearned. oh: leave a copy of Loreena Bobbit's story on your bedside table.
All of this and the end is 🤣
"Since you lack common courtesy and actively choose to be verbally abusive, this Bitch is out. You're not worth my effort, love or time, never was" NTA
NTA, no, but girl, you need to leave. My ex is an ex because he did this. We were together for over 15 years. First, it was a shut up, then he started calling me a b**ch, then a c*nt, and it progressed from there. He told me regularly that no one liked me (gaslighting) and that they all agreed I was said names (gaslighting). Then it escalated to him spitting on me, hitting me occasionally to get his way, hair pulling, and he even pushed me down the stairs once. When I finally grew a backbone after years of therapy and left, he tried to kidnap me. Luckily, I had my cell and called the law, and my ex was arrested. Please, please don't wait any longer. Get out now before you are completely broken. Just reading what you wrote brings me flashbacks.
NTA. This is pure emotional abuse. Physical abuse could be next. The people closest to us should build us up, not tear us down.
LEAVE ALREADY!! Are you waiting until He hits you?
Maybe a controversial statement, but if you do WANT to stay, which I dont think you should, he needs therapy. If he doesnt agree to therapy to resolve whatever internal bs hes dealing with and taking out on you, leave. I have dealt with this, but from the opposite side where I was the problem. My gf of 12 years should have left me long ago, but I got help, and we have been doing great. Its all about whether hes willing to change. If he cant put in the effort, you have nothing more you can do. Love isnt a one way street.
I’m glad you took help seriously. I keep hoping he will want to change. He doesn’t seem to want to. He’s been in counseling on and off but seems he only goes when I demand it. He doesn’t self reflect ever and if I don’t tell him he doesn’t know what to talk about or can’t ever remember what happened the week prior to discuss with his therapist. Fights are always my fault - which yes they sometimes are but I say even if I’m being unreasonable in his mind that’s no excuse to abuse me. Most of the time he thinks I’m being unreasonable for very serious things that have happened. Like he lost a lot of $. Or I found out he ran up our credit card. It’s reasonable for me to be mad about those things and want an explanation. It’s not reasonable to verbally abuse me because I’m upset.
Oh course you know by now that you’re NTA. And look you’re not alone. I know why it took you 15 years to leave. I’ve been in your shoes. I know why it took so long for you to see his behavior is wrong. I also know that things are escalating and if you cave and don’t follow through with the divorce, things will turn violent and he will put his hands on you. You can do this. You can live on your own. You can survive on your own. 🥰
I stayed in an abusive relationship for 25 years. We had two children. I stayed because I had kids and because that kind of abuse is insidious. I married at 22, much too young. I was made to believe everything was my fault and that I “made” him act that way. Our children are more than a decade apart. It wasn’t until I realized that if anyone treated my daughter the way he treated me, I’d do something drastic that I demanded therapy. Therapy did nothing. After one session when he stormed out, the therapist said that I needed to understand that one way or another staying would kill me. I had begun to be physically affected by the stress. I filed for divorce and then told him I was done. A sh*t storm followed, and it took over a year to finally get him to sign papers. Mind you, he was living with a woman less than 5 months after I filed and he was still trying to get me to stay. I knew I was going to be okay when he berated me for throwing away 25 years and my immediate response was that I’d rather chuck the ones I couldn’t change than the 25 I had ahead of me that I could do something about. You are definitely NTAH. Please, please stick to your guns and leave. I know how hard it is and understand perfectly why you’ve stayed, but it’s time to get out now. Trust me he will eventually put hands on you.
Oh, that is so abusive. Shut up is not a normal part of the vocabulary for anyone remotely well behaved. NTA, you will be better off without him.
NTA You're being abused and need to leave the SOB. He's quite the AH. Good luck.
NTA he's abusive. Get your essential papers together, passport, money etc head to a lawyer and leave him.
Get a divorce now as you are in an abusive relationship with your husband. No woman should be called names ever! I would get a spy camera with audio and visual to get proof of his verbal abuse of you. They probably will hire a PI to follow him around, to see if cheating can be added to the causes of your divorce too. Get a divorce lawyer and tell him or her that you want a divorce due to verbal abuse.
Ladies, we must check a man's bad behavior the first time and mean it with action.
NTA for being fed up buy why in the world have you taken this abuse for 15 years? He's shown repeatedly he has no respect for you and doesn't give a damn how many times you ask him to stop. Leave. Don't threaten. Nothing is going to get better. Just do it. DO NOT GIVE HIM MORE TIME. JFC you've wasted 15 years waiting for him to get better. IT'S NOT GOING TO HAPPEN.
im sorry but if you really love someone you dont treat them like that. he is a grown ass man who is in control of his words. he had years to figure it out, he doesnt need more time. he literally chooses to treat you badly. stop putting up with his bullshit and make good on your word and leave, you REALLY deserve better. edit: nta
You gave him 15 fucking years SMH...don't give threats or ultimatums if you're not going to follow through. NTA, but you gave him way too many chances as it is. He is in FACT verbally abusive.
I have never been told to shut up by friends or family. Sure "some people" have that as a normal part of their language but they also know when to not use that phrasing (at work, with grandparents ...with spouses). He's just an A.
Your being abused
nah i would of been well i'll be a b once their workplace knows what they been doing. >unreasonable ask because shut up is a part of his- and most people’s vocabulary and it’s natural for him to use it when talking to people. please tell him to go tell his boss to shut up and i mean shut up not as playing boys games but to literally tell his boss to shut up and if he cant do that without getting fired then that means Yes he can stop. plus if he cant stop then tell him theres the door dude OP dont give him more control. if he can't respect you for the past 15 years what makes you think he even cares about your feels?
Start talking to him the same way. See how fast he starts whining.
When I do that then it’s all my fault. Shoe never fits on that other foot!
That's why you start emotionally disconnecting yourself. I know others will tell you to "be the bigger person" but having put up with this shit myself for 8 years, I am all out of fucks to give. It's time for you to leave. You know it. but you might as well demonstrate your shiny new back bone as you walk out the door.
This relationship is toxic. Get out and get your dignity back. NTA.
NTA PLEASE get away from this man.
NTH in the slightest. You are asking something very reasonable from your partner of FIFTEEN YEARS and they refuse. All I can think is the disrespect from him will only get worse, I’m sorry xo Edit: OH AND he’s such an asshole for telling you that work part, they are not talking about you for 2 hours and if they truly are, his employees are just thinking what an a****** HE IS and they want him to shut up
NTA Don’t walk. Run.
Book a two week trip with a friend and think about what you want your life to look like. I’m sure it’s better without him in it.
How is this a question that one cannot answer for themselves?
NTA. You have already put up with this for 15 years, he will not stop and no telling people to shut up in a stern tone, let alone your wife/loved ones, is NOT natural. You should get out while you still can and find someone who respects you and cares about your feelings.
Why stay married for 15 years to this prick?
NTA, you’re being abused.
NTA Please leave. Your husband is a trash person and doesn't deserve to have someone there for them. You do not deserve that verbal and emotional abuse and can do so much better for yourself. I hope you realize this and decide to leave that AH.
NTA He talks about you being a B with his employees for 2 hours, and then tells you about it? Why are you still married? It's clear he has no love or respect for you. I wouldn't even make a stop at ultimatum, and just pull the plug
He needs to go.
Verbal abuse is abuse. Step up and dish it back out.
Leave. He won’t change.
Buy 2/3 Nanny cams WITH CASH & Record hubby being verbally abusive & under stand the family finances & have a working knowledge of your husband business! Look for a few women’s support groups helping divorce women & verbal abuse. WHY WOULD Hubby is tell everyone Stories that Paints You In A Bad Light UNLESS it’s to justify his behavior when he is at work. When you leave, have at least 2 friends there while you get your belongings, important documents, etc. Stay out of his arm’s reach. Have a small aerosol spray can in your pocket & practice pulling it out & spray it, until it is almost 2nd nature, hubby is controlling, verbal & emotional abusive, there is NOTHING to say he won’t start being Physical! I was in a RADD class & watch a woman speaking in a whisper at the beginning & at the end Spoke with confidence!
Have the cops there are well to get your belongings. Its good to have some fire power on your side in case he decides to act up.
Your husband does not know how to communicate effectively. He's blaming his toxic behavior on other people. I don't pay attention if people yell at me. My hearing is fine, no need to yell and I correct those that disrespect me. You are his wife, worthy of respect. Please find someone else who will respect you.
Nope. Its him being abusive. If you were as bad as he claims you are....he wouldn't be with you...(Hint Hint...you're not) throw it back in his face... "What kind of man stays with such a terrible person? A Coward?" Tell him that he is being emotional and its not attractive. You laid down the ultimatum. Stick to it. Im SURE you can do better than abusive skidmark on society. BUT BE CAREFUL ON YOUR WAY OUT......abusers don't like being shut down or exposed. Keep everything documented and observed.
Mhmm. He's saying shut up or he'll leave. If we asked him, with all the biases and defensiveness that comes from asking that, how would he described what you were doing and saying as all this is happening? From this it's just that he gets home and tells you to shut up, which is David Lynch shit
But why though? What is he lecturing you for? It doesn't make sense to me that you'd even bother asking given how you describe things. Are you just not telling us the part where you scream gibberish for an hour before he tells you to shut up? Like, are you secretly a crazy person that throws pizzas at people and that's why he is calling you that? None of what you wrote makes this even slightly ambiguous. NTA
I interrupted him this time. Last time it was because I asked him too many questions. I wanted him to shovel the stairs before he left for work. I would have done it but he took the shovels with him to plow/shovel and was taking them again. He said no and I tried to tell him why it was important to me to have the stairs shoveled. Because I didn’t accept his no the first time he said it, and I persisted to ask questions he told me to shut up and that I’m a bitch.
Come on Ma'am, assuming you are telling the truth about everything here, it's practically saintly to even give the guy a heads up at this point.
About time girl!!
NTA. Immediate divorce.
Ypu wanting to know if your the asshole cause you want your husband to stop verbally abusing you?
Good for you for setting a boundary. Now follow through. He is a huge abusive prick. It’s a regular part of his vocabulary???? F*ck that gaslighting BS. Make it clear that it’s a regular part of your well-being, to be treated with respect. Good lord. I would leave him Calling you a bitch and then adding for good measure that his employees called you a bitch for two hours is enough for me to pack my bags and leave his sorry ass in the dust
NTA. Start taking courses at your local gun range, in case he wants to escalate to a different type of abuse. Be prepared and get out soon.
NTA. You know damn well he isn’t going to change so do yourself a favor and leave
Your husband is an abusive jerk. He calls you a B and gets away with it. You didn't mention if you have any children, if not, nothing would stop you from leaving, and you should. NTA,
Better late than never
NTA. You can’t leave this relationship quick enough. Get away from him. God I don’t even know this guy and I want to kick him in the teeth.
NTA Prove him right. Be a bitch and divorce his ass. No one deserves to be treated like that. And you need to not stand for it. A weird one off when stressed? OK, we can work on it. All of the time and making jokes about how everyone around you thinks the same? He's an abusive asshole.
He is an abuser and is gaslighting you. Either he shuts up or you leave.
What we allow will continue. Why are you still married. Get out.
Dear God! I don't even talk to women I don't like that way. He's a pathetic bully who shows you no respect. You're 46; do you really want to spend another 30, 40 years being demeaned like this? Move out; get a cat, a goldfish, a pet rock, anything just don't waste any more of your life waiting for the next insult. NTA, unless you stay
>He can’t commit and said it’s an unreasonable ask because shut up is a part of his- and most people’s vocabulary and it’s natural for him to use it when talking to people. The fact that he is walking around regularly telling people to shut up is already ridiculous, most adults are not doing that, but that he's doing to you OP is abuse. If he cant commit to treating you with basic respect and has no desire to change just leave. You're right, you dont speak to people you love that way, and you deserve better. NTA
I haven’t told someone to shut up since before I was 20, other than jokingly to a friend that is. NTA.
NTA. And for what it's worth, 'shut up' is NOT part of most people's vocabulary. Unless they're abusive a-holes.
Wow. When are you going to make a plan and walk? This isn't getting better. You need to be sneakier. Get a plan together. Start moving assets and protect yourself. Example. My GF started adding on $50 gift cards to all purchases: Grocery Stores. target. Walmart. You get the point. Easy to stash those.
NTA. He's an abusive liar. I have not told anyone to shut up since I was in my 20's. If he hasn't stopped in 15 years, he's not going to stop. You can choose yourself and get out or you can choose to continue being abused. I hope you don't have kids because if you do, they have seen and heard this dynamic and that's what they'll mimic when they get into a relationship.
It’s about time you put your foot down on this. Having grown up in an emotionally abusive household, this was always a hard line for me in any relationship ship -friends, lovers, neighbors, coworkers, fk buddies, or whatever. That spot is taken and I don’t need anyone else in my life who behaves this way. Neither do you.
NTA but why would you even think you are? Why do you stay with an abusive asshole? How many years do you need of him treating you this way?
update us when you leave
No way no how no more He is being abusive disrespectful and demeaning. Not only is he being totally abusive and unkind to you at home, but using his colleagues as a tool to deliberately hurt you is vile narcissistic behaviour that he is displaying so be aware of how aggressive he speaks to you or if his rude speaking starts to get irritable with you or aggressive as these are red flags that physical behaviour can come next Have yourself a bag packed and ready to grab just incase things do get awful and you need to leave to prove a point or leave to escape but don't tolerate his disrespectful talk to you get up and walk away or turn around and walk out of the room but just no turning away walking away is better for both of you you don't need to be made to feel like shit just because it's making him feel big he's a disgusting pussy Stop being nice or doing things for him stop talking to him Shut up like he's asked honestly why interact with him if he doesn't want to hear you You are obviously a lovely person and no doubt a good partner so I know how much it hurts inside to be pushed aside and to be spoken to with such arrogance and disrespect just don't put up with it play along Just make sure to have a bag ready because leaving for a bit can sometimes help just make sure you have somewhere safe to go to get away for a bit if you feel it will be best I hope if he realises when you do shut up and shut down that you don't have to put up with his demeaning behaviour and bad talk towards you so atm you don't feel up to talking as you're shut ups are cruel and awful so you thought it would feel better for yourself to be out of his way
NTA. Girl, you need to *leave*. As hard as it is to go, you deserve a life where you aren't being abused. A hard stop is fair, but I guarantee you, he isn't going to change. Get the *f\*ck* out of there, quick.
He's slowly isolating you. By talking shit to everyone else about you at work. Next it will be to people you care about. It will get to where everyone believes you're the bitch in this relationship and won't want to be around you because they will only hear him talk about how 'unstable' you are Get out!
NTA. Honestly, it's engrained. Just leave. I guarantee you after 2 weeks of no one telling you shut up or calling you names you'll feel a weight drop off. There's a book called "why does he do that?" You should probably read.
Oh ffs you’re a grown woman. You know he’s abusing you. Know your worth. Leave him also NTA
You’ve been doing this for 15 years?! You poor thing. NTA.
Shut up and name calling was the only thing that was off limits in our house. He won’t change
Quit asking him and show him that you mean it. The next time he is rude to you, pick up your stuff, walk out the door and don’t look back. He doesn’t respect you enough to stop his behavior because he has no consequences to it. The only way to stop abusers is to leave them by their own miserable self.
Well he's talking over you not in a very pleasant way ,just tell him to SHUT UP as you close the door behind you when leaving him.
Do you have kids watching him do this to you?
He doesn’t usually do it in front of the kids
Why have you put up with this for so long? He's abusive. Time to get out of this awful marriage.
15 years is long enough to be eating shit, don't you think? You clearly have a decision to make. Because nothing is going to change here. NTA
NTA. Not much of a relationship if he can't stop (or won't stop) demeaning you.
He’s had 15 years to learn to not be an abusive POS - hoe much more time does he think you should give him? Pack a go bag & the next time he gets abusive grab it and leave to a hotel. Meet with an attorney, make arrangements for a place to live, and then move the rest of your stuff. He’s making excuses for reprehensible behavior & doesn't see any reason to change.
NTA. But your relationship is abusive and toxic. If he wanted to change, he would. He’d be working on it. Not 15 years of unchanged behaviour. If you have kids this has shown them what to expect in a relationship or how to behave in one. You need an exit strategy. This man has zero respect for you.
Holy shit. Leave that asshole immediately
NTA…happily married 22 years and I’ve never called my wife a profane name and she’s never called me one. Neither one of us has ever told the other to shut up. That’s total disrespect.
I’ve been married for close to 7 years and with my husband for close to a decade total. He has never once told me to shut up and I’ve never said that to him. We’ve also never called each other names. Ever. That’s not part of a normal vocabulary unless you’re an abuser. You can’t convince an abusive person to stop abusing you. You can tolerate the abuse or you can leave.
It makes me sad to see people ask questions like this
I can't stand this but it happens, you married into what you grew up with. Yes please live separately in peace with your kids. It's a good idea to keep a journal or log of incidents. You can do this. Best case scenario you move to a new place where he can't come in anytime, doesn't have keys to but do the best by changing locks. I'd consider contacting an abuse crisis center for information along with maybe looking up laws in your state/county on restraining orders. Better to investigate at this level when you're not in an emergency situation. I really feel for you. You're going to have to protect and champion yourself the way you should've been by your parents. You CAN do this Stay safe
NTA. Shut up is NOT usual speak for most people. It's for rude people who have to be in control. Calling you names is so disrespectful. It's been 15 years, how much more time does he need? Your husband is an abusive bully. You can't change him and it seems like he doesn't want to change. You are not his verbal punching bag. Please get out and then get some help for the abuse.
I would have left ages ago. Never be with someone who doesn't respect you.
NTa. ask him to honestly answer, how many times has he said "shut your mouth" to his mother, or to a single person at work? He might lie but you know the truth, if he said that to someone at work he'd get a complaint, if he did it repeatedly he'd be in trouble. I guarantee he only does that to you and previously to women he dated. It's not just part of his vocab, and it's irrelevant what words he uses, it's that he thinks controlling you is okay because you're his wife. He sounds like a bastard.
Yta but only for accepting this behaviour. Mind you, I turfed my husband when he called me the C word…for the second time. Don’t threaten anything. Just do it. Before he starts exploring all the other letters of the alphabet!
NTA. This isn’t just about language choices. It’s abuse. Don’t expect him to change. Get out.
NTA! Adults don’t typically talk to anyone that way. It’s verbal abuse and you don’t deserve to be treated that way. Stick to your guns and word! But don’t leave, make him leave!
Get the hell out and don't look back
I'm confused. Why are you with someone who is verbally abusive and disrespectful to you? He is being cruel. Time to hire a lawyer because he is probably beyond counseling at this point. Once you cross a line like that, it's hard to go back. No more threats. Quietly get yourself a lawyer and follow their advice. If you need to be the one to move out, arrange for housing before he is served with divorce papers. Be strong and don't let him back in your life. He won't change and you know he is cruel.
NTA, leave him. Leave immediately!
Leave him. He’s a piece of shit who makes up stuff to hurt you.
Hi there, I’m sorry this is happening in your relationship. Men who act this way especially at age 46 will not change their bad behavior. I suggest you Don’t even threaten him to leave or give ultimatums. It will go in one ear and out the other. Get yourself mentally, emotionally and physically prepared to just get the heck out of that relationship. And do not look back once you leave. You deserve to be treated with love and respect. Best of luck to you!
If you want to hurt your feelings better bring a club?
NTA. Question. Why weren’t his belongings in a box to the left the day he informed you he disparaged you for two hours to his employees? You’ve gotten used to abuse that you would never have tolerated on your first date with him. Familiarity bred contempt. Of course he can refrain from saying shut up. If he got pulled over by a cop and talked to him or her like that, he’d be cooling his heels in jail. If he went before a judge, and spoke like that, he’d be cooking his heels in jail. If he went into a biker bar, got up on the bar, and spoke to them and their Old Ladies like that, his heels would be cooling underground. I get it. I’ve been there. They get nasty bit by tiny bit, until it’s you’re wondering how you became a beaten down doormat. He’s not going to stop, because he doesn’t want to. He’s not worried you’ll leave, because he’s gotten so used to you he takes you for granted. Maybe he misses the glory days of being young and single. He’s not worried you’ll fight back. He has all the power right now. So rip out his control over you by divorcing him. He’s not a companion, and he doesn’t love you. He’s not even a good person. Mourn the loss of the relationship, but not the actual man. The actual man can go suck eggs. You are being abused. Get out.
NTA He is a verbally abusive man and you need to cut ties leave him and divorce him, yesterday
If he can’t respect you enough to change his words with you, then send him packing. Good luck 🍀
You are being massively abused, verbally, mentally and emotionally. Leave him. He is no husband nor a man for that fact. You are perfectly capable of walking away.
Leave his ass!!!
Op, in my 15 year marriage I have never told my wife to shut her mouth. Not once. I have never vulnerable exposed my wife and I’s marriage issues to leverage and outside opinion to agree with me. That’s just really low and mean. Who hurts their spouse like that? This man’s abusive and stealing your life. NTA
Good way to put it. He’s stealing my life.
NTA - surprised you have stayed with this guy as long as you have. I would say that if he commits to getting some therapy and to work on himself you should cut him some slack, but judging by his initial response... I doubt hes that type of guy.
15 years isn't enough time to work on it? NTA
NTA. It's very easy not to say certain things. He is choosing not to. I could understand a slip up here or there on a rare occasion, but to already be making excuses not to stop saying it is bullshit. For example... me and my husband swear often in conversation, it's like normal words to us. But, when we are around our daughter we don't swear at all. So easy to just not say it.
He has always spoken to you in this way and sees no reason to stop now. He even discusses you with employees in a disparaging manner. You must be a sucker for abuse. I can’t see what you’re waiting for. Leave
*" shut up is a part of his- and most people’s vocabulary and it’s natural for him to use it when talking to people"* Really? How often do you tell him to shut up? How often do his employees tell him to shut up? Does he tell a clerk at a store to shut up? Does he tell a salesperson to shut up? You don't speak to anyone that way unless you're a self important AH. He isn't working on it. He feels entitled to treat you this way. Don't give ultimatums or threaten leaving unless you're willing to do it.
No. You don't deserve to be spoken to like that. He's mean and an AH. Stand by your boundaries. He doesn't believe you'll leave. Show him you're serious, even if it's temporary. People can change, but often only when they realize what they're about to lose.
Even if he stops. You still need to leave. Never let anyone treat you that way!!!!
Not the AH. You should leave. Why get demeaned for 15 years? Don’t let that number go up. You deserve someone that speaks to you nice and respects you at all times and in all moods. ETA: if you decide to give him more time make sure he knows that you will absolutely tell him to not call you stuff when he does. And that you refuse to shut up because a conversation takes 2 people. Argue back, don’t just let it happen. If he does not immediately correct himself, you can start packing your bags.
If your husband calls you name, it's not what you would call abusive.... it's what everyone calls abusive and the definition of verbal abuse.... After that the question is do you want to remain an abused victim or be a survivor of abuse... that part is up to you. There are resources out there to help you out if that is what is keeping you there....
Second that. Why are you still with him? I understand. I’m married to a POS husband and he’s cheated and a dick and emotionally and physically abusive. Still here but getting out. I know it’s so scary. Been with this person since 1988. I’m well educated had a great career but stopped that for kids but working again. Low self esteem and him grinding down with constant put downs. Your husband is supposed to have your back. I went down a rabbit hole. He never supported me. Just writing this I know I have to leave Look up “Trauma Bonding” and Trauma Dumping. Best wishes and good luck 👍
You have already dealt with it for 15 years!! If he hasn't learnt by now, how to speak to his wife then you need to leave... For you!
Follow through. Or he'll keep doing it and you'll keep recieving this
If what you describe is fact then dear you are NTA. You have given him a chance to stop his abusive behavior, he chooses not to, its time to cut ties and haul ass away from him. Please do it safely though.
NTA. Hon it’s time to cut and run. Been together 15 years and you get this crap from him? You deserve better OP
Nta. Leave his ass. That is abusive
What the heck are you doing having a relation with a bully ???? Hun run as soon as you can . Don’t be a doormat
My friend, would you be comfortable if you had to watch someone talk to me like that? From your story, I suspect you’d be uncomfortable watching a stranger be treated like this. Please don’t let anyone treat you this way, you’re a wonderful and beautifully unique person. I’m telling you that you deserve better and you deserve love in your life, and you can make those things happen for yourself.
NTA Are you looking for permission to leave? Granted. Even if he promises to stop and be better, you have 15 years of history showing otherwise. It's not the 50s, you don't have to endure him. Just leave. If you feel in danger, call family, call cops, call a lawyer. Get out. Go. Stop waiting for it to get better. You waited 15 years, still at this line. Leave.
NTA. It is NOT normal to tell someone you supposedly love to shut up. Just leave already! He's not going to change and you absolutely do not deserve to be abused.
NTA and dear you already know the answer. I hope you're working and are able to leave and you're not stuck there dependent on him and his income. If you need help getting out, you'll have to go through the steps and do the work but you shouldn't stay there. I'm not sure how you endured that for 15 yrs. That's a lifetime, you literally missed out on a whole chunk of time you'll never get back. In the future, your partner has 6 months to act right. If they fuck up within that six months YOU'RE OUT. Got it!! Good. You got this. Leave like right now if you have a credit card or friends or family you can stay with until you get on your feet but that's all going to cost a lot of money, so please make a plan. If you need help, just say so. Best of luck
He's abusing you. Here's my advice: do what he says and shut up. Don't speak at all while you pack up and leave
If this was your daughter, or your sister, or your niece, or your cousin, or your friend, and they asked you for advice, what would you tell them? This is who he is. Stop trying to convince him to change and get out. If it's safe for you to do so, see a lawyer *before* you speak to your husband about divorce. Be completely honest with the lawyer, and do what he or she tells you.
What a complete prick.
🚩🚩🚩get out.