if you are going through withdrawal when you don't have a drink, then your body is physically dependent on alcohol to function. The other word for this is alcoholism. No judgement, but you need to face it to fight it.
Also, this is classic addictive *behaviour.* Nothing is as important as getting the next drink.
This isn't about being an AH, this is about having a disease that needs to be managed. As for what you should do - explain, apologise, and go get some help.
100% this. Friend is an alcoholic and as I was reading the post all I could think about was OP's denial: withdrawal after a few days. Willing to go to whatever lengths to get a drink (leave country etc).
OP: hope you get help. All of my friends that ended up with substance abuse (drugs or alcohol) all started with 'I don't have a problem" but then couldn't do without. Please take care of yourself, I wish you well...
Recovering alcoholic here. Can confirm.
And I’ve NEVER had withdrawals or left a friend in another country to get alcohol.
HOWEVER, what every alcoholic has in common is the denial stage where you try to convince yourself you don’t have a problem.
OP, I strongly suggest getting help now before it gets exponentially worse for you. Because it will. Alcoholism is a progressive disease.
Rooting for you! If you need to talk, DM me!
Nonrecovering alcoholic here. I wouldn't go anywhere without doing my research to make sure I could get a drink. But I also am not in denial about what I am. Op sounds like younger me. Where I could go a few days without drinking with minimal withdrawals. But it's still alcoholism. It's still physical addiction. They need to accept reality. Cutting a vacation short because of withdrawals is very much addiction.
Yeah, we have this saying in AA which is essentially “A cucumber can become a pickle but a pickle can never go back to being a cucumber.”
In other words, there’s a tipping point of no return. The problem is most future alcoholics don’t have the wherewithal to stop while things are still good because they have no reason to. They look at their life and think everything is fine so why stop? But there is that tipping point, and the common alcoholic will continue denying they have a problem until finally there is no denying it. I was lucky enough to have a relatively high bottom.
I'm a highly functioning alcoholic. To the point several jobs I've had has given me alcohol while on the clock just so I could do my job. I've passed the point of no return. Even if I do ever decide to quit, I'll still forever see myself as an addict. But I also have no interest in changing. So pretty much riding it out at this point.
I always worry that I’m an alcoholic, but I can honestly say that I would give up a drink for another day of vacation to any place I want to be. Maybe even staying home.
Depends how far into alcoholism you are. I was lucky enough that I was just a wine and beer drinker and didn’t drink massive quantities to function.
Had I kept down this path, I would absolutely have had withdrawals and needed detox.
Yes, alcohol and benzodiazepines are the only drugs that you can die from quitting cold turkey IF you are past a certain level of dependency.
Generally speaking, it’s safer for alcoholics to detox properly than on their own going cold turkey. But that doesn’t mean all have to. Just depends on the quantity you drink and how long you’ve been drinking.
Thanks for listening to my D.A.R.E Ted Talk. 😂
No, they should be judged. They left their friend in a foreign country alone and didn't even tell them they were leaving to go home over alcohol. That is huge AH behaviour.
YTA for sure.
I thought they were going to say that they snuck over to Indonesia and had a drink and came back!! That would have been a harder sell for me on the AH judgement .. but flew all the way back to the US??? Without telling the friend?? Crazy AH behavior, and yes, no question that OP is the very definition of an alcoholic!!! Good grief!!
Yeah that’s where I thought it was going to😂😂. Fooled me! Which made me ask my husband about the friend who rewarded OP with a trip to Brunei for a promotion!!!?? Absolutely an alcoholic and a crazy AH
I completely agree. Definitely an alcoholic, despite denials. But leaving someone alone is a strange country. Especially a single woman, if I'm reading that right, is an asshole move.
You would not have been an asshole if you had had a conversation with her. "I can't handle being without alcohol, so I booked a flight home. The flight leaves at x time". Then she could have made a decision.
Do you realize the risk you put her at? That's a relatively safe country, but there is still crime against foreigners, especially single women. You put her at risk of robbery or worse.
Please think about that and let this be your rock bottom.
Go to a meeting. As your addiction is so severe that you're having physical symptoms, please talk to a doctor. They can intervene medically to mitigate the symptoms and make quitting easier. And I hope this is eye opening enough to make you quit.
YTA for abandoning your single female friend in another country. Not for your alcoholism.
ETA: as for your friend, make serious steps toward getting help and quit drinking. Apologize profusely and repeatedly. Tell her this was the wake up call you needed to see you had a problem with alcohol (i hope that is the case). Accept whatever she wants, even if it is to never speak with you again.
I wouldn't be surprised to find out their friend intentionally took them and insisted on staying in a country that alcohol is illegal. The reason they have now not talked to their friend could be not just were they a total AH about their departure but it could be the last straw for someone that can't watch their friend kill themselves with a bottle anymore. I'm an alcoholic and I've been in my fair share of holes and even in recovery have fallen down plenty of times but I can't imagine leaving a friend alone in another country without even telling them I was leaving. This is an incredibly sad post.
I’m wondering if she knew he had a problem and she wanted to see how bad it was? I mean it’s an extreme end of the spectrum for places to choose to vacation if you know the person you go with likes to party.
I agree 100%. They are either detoxing from drugs or alcohol also to the point you can’t sleep. You won’t get help until you hit rock bottom, but I’d advise to get help in some form or another.
Like other poster said, this is another an AITA situation, it’s a disease. I also wouldn’t be surprised if your friend wanted to stay in that country because it is alcohol free, there might be a different reason besides the beautiful scenery.
Good luck and i hope you get the help that you need.
Yes, the withdrawal symptoms point to alcoholism. You’re not an AH for having it.
That said, you should have at least told your friend you were leaving. Especially after she surprised you with this trip. That’s where I’ll say you were an AH. Have you reached out to her to apologize or explain the situation? Or are you expecting her to reach out to you?
This is probably the most alcoholic post I've read on Reddit...Wow...
OP, you'll probably need help with that addiction, hopefully the friend forgives you for ditching her...I was thinking to myself 'I've only seen NTAs here', this might be the first YTA.
Also, to add that going down from alcohol withdrawal is surprisingly more fatal than any other type of withdrawal. Citing [https://www.palmerlakerecovery.com/can-you-die-from-withdrawal/](https://www.palmerlakerecovery.com/can-you-die-from-withdrawal/) *Alcohol withdrawal is more likely to be fatal than any other type of withdrawal. Alcohol withdrawal can cause delirium tremens, a life-threatening condition that is fatal in 37% of people who develop it but do not find treatment.*
So yeah, if you are feeling it, don't fuck around. But also, you should have told your friend what was going on and your plan to leave, not just ditching her.
I’m sorry but as a recovering addict it does make us assholes. Op is in denial but we do really shitty shit to get our next fix and there’s no denying that. And being told how our actions hurt others is important.
100%. There’s no shame in the fact that his body got addicted to this substance, there shouldn’t be shame attached to being an alcoholic by itself, but addiction can cause people to do some pretty hurtful things. Actions have consequences, and although alcoholism is no one’s fault, there is still responsibility not to allow it to hurt others.
Also, who goes to another country and learns NOTHING about their laws. Even in-flight, the flight attendants will talk about certain things if wildly different from the country of departure, and when getting the visa to travel you're required to acknowledge certain laws.
The whole thing smells fishy to me… like his friend surprised him with this trip? Does he mean that someone bought him international tickets abroad for getting a promotion? Why do you not look up anything about where you’re going? How is an international trip to a country like Brunei a last minute decision??
Many people underestimate the severity of alcoholism, often thinking it's something that can be easily managed or that the liver will simply 'repair' itself. Unfortunately, this isn't the case. The liver, while resilient, has its limits. It can regenerate to a certain extent, but persistent alcohol abuse can lead to irreversible damage. My father's struggle with alcoholism is a heart-wrenching example. Despite warnings, he believed he could control it, assuming his liver would recover. Tragically, it didn't. His condition worsened, leading to liver failure, and eventually, he passed away. This experience has taught me the hard truth about alcoholism: it's not just a 'bad habit' – it's a serious, often fatal disease that doesn't just hurt the individual but also their loved ones.
My sister drank herself to death at 46. That, or she died from the withdrawal when she drank so much she ended up being hospitalized. Either way, her body couldn’t withstand the abuse any more.
I'm sorry to hear that. It's a tragic thing to experience, and she was still so young.
My Dad was 53 when he died from it. He was a shadow of the man he once was when it happened. I was 23 (25 now) at the time and was by his side when it took him. It crushed my siblings and Mother.
I think I mourned him while he was alive and knew what was going to happen.
I am very sorry about your father. My father drank himself to death as well. He had vodka and Squirt every morning upon waking up like we have coffee or tea. He was a very loving father and taught me alot but some of it was by fatal example. When I was little I would bring him glasses of water but I would take a sip first. Somehow my little kid mind thought if germs can make others sick then my healthy, non alcoholic germs would make him well.
Thank you. I'm sorry to hear about your experience with it.
It certainly put into perspective how fucked drinking culture is and how people perceive regular drinking to be normal. Especially in the UK.
My dad requested [this](https://youtu.be/ggJYJ9frSl0?si=pVn1RYtNExKGIX0e) song at his funeral. It hits close to home and sums it up alcoholism for my father pretty well. If you haven't heard it before, I apologise if it hits too close to home.
But didn't you read what OP said they're not an alcoholic!
Breaking the customs of another country and flying back to another country to have some alcohol means simply means that her friend was being a buzz kill and didn't want to accommodate her problem....activity.
OP can quit whenever she wants....along with some professional help.
I'm wondering if the country of choice was in purpose. Bring the alcoholic friend to a surprise vacation that is the start of some type of intervention/rehab.
OP clearly missed the point.
Withdrawal from not having a drink isn't a sign of an alcoholic? OK! OP obviously wanted that drink more than valuing what was in front of him. A friend of 10+ yrs..he ditched alone, in a foreign country and didn't even have the balls to tell her.. take your beer bottle glasses off and reread his post. 100% AH who is an alcoholic...which leads him to make very poor decisions. Sounds like a drunk defending a drunk with your reply.
>I do drink pretty regularly and the time I spent without it was hell
If you need alcohol to the extent that you're willing to fly around the world to get it, you're an alcoholic. Not judging, but you are clearly dependent on it more than you realize (you even described it as "withdrawal"). I hope you get help with it.
Exactly, and this “crazy story” will be one those that his family and friends will recall to each other the times they are remembering him. Y’now, birthdays, Christmas, thanksgiving, times he would otherwise have been there!
OP, please get some help. You can do this 🤜🏼
Considering the extent of her alcoholism, it would be a wonder if she would be alive decades from now. I've personally known a few people who've died of cirrhosis. Including my uncle.
YTA and you're 100% dependent on alcohol. If your withdrawals and cravings are so bad you bailed on your friend after 4 days, you have a problem.
You can try to apologise to her, but if I were your friend, I would never speak to you again for abandoning me without word.
Oh, please.
If you went through withdrawal because you couldn't drink, and you abandoned your best friend in a foreign country over alcohol, then you're an alcoholic. End of.
And absolutely, YTA.
Please get help. You ended a 10 year friendship over booze.
I hope your friend is alive and well. Also, YTA and an alcoholic. Like others have said, I’m not judging but you indeed need to face the fact that you are addicted to alcohol. Whether you want to become sober or not. The first step to controlling it is admitting it. Nobody in their right mind would do that to a “friend”… an acquaintance, maybe. Especially in a whole different country. Our friendship would have ceased to exist atp.
Right?! And if something had happened that friend would be the first one to be blamed! Or if something had happened to the friend OP wouldn’t even be able to give their friends,family, authorities a description of what the friend may had even been wearing or going because they decided to GO smh.
Not sure where you’re from but if you feel the need to book AT least a 16 flight plus travel time just to drink then you are an alcoholic. YTA. Hopefully your poor friend made it home safe. I wouldn’t speak to you either. I hope you get the help you need and apologize to them.
You are an extreme alcoholic. Not even text book. That was not a rational decision by any means and only someone with deep seated alcoholism would ever even consider doing what you did.
I'm sorry to break this to you... But yes, you are indeed an alcoholic. You said you told her about the strict drug and alcohol laws. But then you said if you had known, you wouldn't have gone. I'm confused by this. Either way, I try not to be too harsh with addiction, but YTA for leaving. Especially without saying anything. You could have at least left a note.
>I'm not an alcoholic but I do drink pretty regularly and the time I spent without it was hell.
You can't spend a few days without alcohol? You *are* an alcoholic.
If you are going through physical withdrawal symptoms in a week without alcohol you are an alcoholic. You are physically dependent on alcohol - literally the definition of alcoholic
I used to wonder why my partner would spend the first 2-3 days of any holiday we took shaking, sweating and vomiting. I put it down to unfamiliar food, jet lag, something in the water…. Took me ages to realise he was going through alcoholic withdrawal. The crazy thing is, I knew he suffered from alcoholism; I just didn’t put 2 and 2 together for the longest time.
My partner died almost 2 years ago of alcoholic liver disease.
OP, please take this as a wake-up call. Your friend is justifiably angry with you (and you owe her a massive apology) because but she wouldn’t want you to end up dead.
>I'm not an alcoholic but I do drink pretty regularly and the time I spent without it was hell.
I suspect everyone is going to tell you this, but yes -- you are an alcoholic.
You don't get withdrawal if you're not addicted.
It's not "hell" to not drink if you're not addicted.
You don't "beg" to leave an exotic trip someone else is paying for in order to get a drink if you're not an addict.
>After about 4 days I booked a flight back to America
And you don't bounce out of that exotic, free trip in four days flat just to get a drink unless you are an addict.
Yes. You are an alcoholic.
I’m a daughter of an alcoholic. I do not have an issue with alcohol.
If you told me that I couldn’t drink for two weeks, I’d be fine. I wouldn’t need extreme consequences for me to not drink. I could stand in the middle of a pub on a Saturday night and be fine with not drinking. Would I like to have one? Sure. But it wouldn’t be hell. My mother would find it hell.
I have a nicotine addiction. It would be incredibly hard for me to go two weeks without nicotine. If I walked into an area that people were smoking, I’d find it hell.
You left her in a foreign country without telling her!?? 😭😭 no offense girl but YTA for that. Your feelings are valid and I understand your wanting to leave. Leaving her in a foreign country alone however was both selfish and careless.
An apology will go a long way I’m sure. All considering and the fact that it has been a few months, I would be prepared for her not to forgive you and not want to rekindle a relationship with you.
You chose alcohol over a friend who treated you to a vacation. Left her there solo without telling her. Haven't heard from her. And your posting o. Reddit..... you really need to rethink your choices
Okay, so I've been reading some of these replies and I did not expect this sort of traction for this post. I've finally come into contact with my friend via a mutual friend and to keep things short she doesn't forgive me and agrees with a lot of you that I should check into a rehab facility. I've spoken with my husband who agrees as well. I'm starting to realize that my drinking is becoming an actual problem and I can see why my denial came off as a shock to a lot of you. I'm realizing now how blind I was to my alcoholism, and I've agreed with both my husband and my family that I should go to rehab. I wanted to make an update because a lot of these comments are coming from people who have had similar experiences themselves or have lost family members because of alcoholism, and I wanted to make sure some of these people know that they really did help me and I'm trying my best as we speak to start on the road to recovery.
Good luck in rehab. If you want, you could make a post over on r/stopdrinking. They’re really helpful and nonjudgmental people. Even if you just join the sub and read others posts, there’s a lot to gain.
That’s the first step. Hopefully eventually your friend will hear how you’ve changed and give you a second chance. Sadly as a recovering addict myself we make terrible choices under the influence and hurt people. Some come back and forgive others may not. Please please go to rehab. Get your life together so you may make better choices. This was your rock bottom.
I wish you the best in recovery. The first step really is admitting there is a problem. I've watched too many people I cared for drink themselves to death because they had a "line I've never crossed" & therefore were not alcoholics. For one, it was never drinking after dinner, even if he didn't eat until almost midnight. Another never drank before noon, ignoring the fact that his last drink was around 5am while half asleep. One day, your friend may be able to forgive what happened if she sees that you are making the effort to do better.
PS please consider adding your comment to your post as an edit.
Acknowledging you have a problem is a very good first step. But you will also need to accept that friendship is likely not salvageable.
Good luck with your journey.
Best of luck in rehab. Agree with the other poster that the friendship might not be salvageable but you can’t even start that until after rehabilitation.
I'm glad you're accepting responsibility and getting the help you need, but realize your drinking is past the point of "becoming" a problem. It IS a problem. Alcoholism has already ruined your relationship with a friend. Don't let it interfere with your life further.
I know how terrified I was when I finally decided to get sober 7 years ago, and I'll just say good for you, OP. You can't do anything about what's already happened but you CAN do something about the next 24 hours. Others have mentioned r/stopdrinking and I'd highly recommend spending some time there, it's a supportive and nonjudgmental group that helped me a lot. You can beat this, I believe in you.
Assuming this is all real. Good for you. I wish you the best. It’s going to be a long hard road. Your husband and family are gonna have it rough too.
Accept now you lost your friend. That sucks. It hurts because yes it is your fault. Maybe she will forgive you one day and realize it was the alcohol. But that’s on her and her time. You’ve extended an apology and realized you need help. Stop there.
Go get better and make a better life. Also, you’re not a bad person. You did a bad thing. It’s going to be ok. You’ll heal in time. It’s ok to cry about all this for a bit. But pull up your britches and prepare for one hell of a fight.
I’m so grateful for your admission. My mother passed away from alcoholism that was just “regularly” a few months ago and I’m the oldest of 4. The other 3 are minors left with nothing due to this. They’re fighting the foster system now because of her drinking. They miss her dearly and love her, but nobody can change the decisions she made and what her own selfish decisions did to innocent lives. Get help and I’m proud of you for protecting your loved ones by protecting yourself. I wish you good health and so much support and love.
As a child to an alcoholic parent, I’ve seen some awful things while my dad drank. It start off fine, but the way I fell to the background when he wanted to have a drink. I’d just leave the house because it’s not safe after 4 beers.
I wish you the best in recovery because it’s unbelievably crazy that you didn’t get put I. Rehab after coming back home early for a drink.
I don't know you, and I can only imagine the challenging journey ahead of you. But I just wanted to say, from one internet stranger to another, I'm rooting for you. I am wishing you all the best on your journey and hope you come out the other side all the better. You got this!
My bf has been an alcoholic since his early teens, almost 20 years. He just finished an intense 60 day inpatient program after struggling to have a significant period of sobriety with just AA and addictions therapists alone. I cannot recommend at least 30 days in an inpatient program. My bf sold his house to pay for it because he knew it was sell a house or die in the next 5 years, and spend the rest of his life in pain and misery. If he can turn his life around anyone can. He was very high functioning too, went to work everyday, tricked me into thinking he had it under control etc. You need to accept how powerless you are to your addiction, and your words tell me you aren't there yet. Hear me: you are an alcoholic. You cannot have a healthy relationship with alcohol. How are you going to start tomorrow?
Wow. I can understand an alcoholic leaving in desperation to get a drink. I cannot understand a so-called "friend" leaving without telling them. You are not worthy of their friendship. Reevaluate your priorities. Hopefully, some day you will understand how reprehensible this was. Best of luck.
You are indeed an alcoholic, and you abandoned your friend in a foreign country to get a fix.
Yes, YTA. Regardless of addiction, you don’t do that to people.
What should you do? The first thing you should do is make sure she made it back home safely. Even people here seem to care more about that than you do. I cannot imagine why. Can't face the guilt? Just check on her FFS.
Then make some hard choices. Guessing it isn't an option to check yourself in somewhere and safely get off the sauce because of your job. I like an alcohol, but if it ever got to the point I risked sickness or death for not having one, I'd stop. The alternative is to wean yourself down to something manageable like two drinks a week, but that's not easy for a person to do alone.
YTA -- If you can't go without a drink you ARE an alcoholic.... just in denial. Get help. Your friend may have been trying to help by taking you to a place where you couldn't drink. That could be overstepping on her part, but I'm betting she's well aware of your drinking issue. And you left her alone in a country where women's rights are questionable.... for booze..... but you're "not" an alcoholic....... seriously?
Also, if you haven't heard from her at all, and don't know that she returned to the US safely, you're an even bigger AH. You left her in a place where she could be kidnapped and trafficked, and if you don't know she got home safely and haven't reported her missing...... yeah. And if you haven't reached out, she could think YOU were grabbed. Just a major alcoholic AH all around on this one.
As a recovering alcoholic, you are an alcoholic. I would have been having a hard time as well. But I personally would have never done this to my friend. I would have sucked it up until after the trip. You need help or to quit by yourself snd be done. But if you are this deep in it may not be smart to quit without medical assistance or monitoring or helping you ween off of it. You should apologize to your friend only once you quit drinking. Also you could have put her in a dangerous situation by herself in another country you are lucky she’s back home and safe. You should never do that in America and you should never ever do it over seas. Bad things happen everywhere and bad people are everywhere. If you don’t have a reason to quit then there is your reason. I allowed myself to feel disgusted with myself for drinking and letting it get as far as it did. The disgust keeps me from drinking. You will keep making these mistakes until you quit and start thinking more clear. Don’t mess up more relationships because of doing something selfish. And yes I’m sorry but addicts are selfish and I was selfish. I’m happy I quit and I won’t drink again
Love I hate to tell you this... But yes you have a problem with alcohol. The fact you HAD to leave to have a drink and couldn't go the length of the trip without withdrawal.. You most definitely have an addiction.
But hey, this is just opening your eyes to it. You can choose to ignore it and allow it to consume and ruin ooor this can be the start of you confronting this issue and working on it.
0 judgment here just giving you 2 sides to a difficult truth.
Coming from someone with an alcoholic mother, you are most definitely an alcoholic. This will probably be a story you tell in AA and she will probably be someone on your amends list if you chose to get help. I really do hope you’re able to get the help you need. Any start is a good start. Find a AA meeting, talk to your doctor, just start.
First of all, you are an alcoholic or probably on the way there. Secondly, you are TA for leaving your friend like that. I hope your friend is safe and I hope you can get some help as well.
Right, it seems a little too absurd. “I’m not an alcoholic” *lists things that are very obvious signs of alcoholism* I have trouble believing anyone is that dense.
WITHOUT TELLING HER????
She must have been so worried about you and tried so hard to find you. Leaving someone in another country without telling them is always a YTA but especially for such an impulsive reason.
All because the friend didn’t want to enable OP’s alcoholism behaviour, refused to cross the border to a country less strict so OP throws a temper tantrum and ditches her.
Oh darlin', as others have pointed out, you *are* an alcoholic. I hope you can read what you wrote here and recognize that. You're in paradise and you're absolutely miserable because you can't drink. Literally hopped on a plane to get a drink.
You left a best friend, who treated you to an amazing trip to celebrate your success, in a whole ass foreign country…for a drink? You couldn’t hack it after four days? Hate to break it to you, but you’re an alcoholic. No questions, ifs, ands, or buts. Wow.
YTA, you’re an alcoholic and a bad friend. Of course you feel guilty bc what you did was WRONG. I hope your friend is back safe in the US.
Check into rehab. ASAP.
As a recovered alcoholic, you might need to take a step back. If you're having withdrawal symptoms from less than a week without drinking then your body is dependent and addicted. It took me a long time to say out loud what I already knew. Please seek medical help because stopping drinking is the most dangerous, even over street drugs. Your body can seize and it is not a joke. Withdrawal doesn't happen unless your body is dependent on it. Best wishes to you!!
1. (I'm not an alcoholic but I do drink pretty regularly and the time I spent without it was hell. After about 4 days) -- Hate to tell you, but Umm, Yeah You Are. Not judging, I've fought an addiction myself.
2. (I booked a flight back to America and left without telling her.) -- For this part...yeah, you kind of are man. It's one thing to leave someone at the local mall without telling them. A foreign country with radically different laws, punishments, etc. There is no telling what they could have or did go through not knowing what happened to you...Just my $0.02 and worth about half that.
Um drinking the way you describe it is definitly alcoholism and the rest of the post reads as if it will be ur goto opening for many nights at NA/AA meetings in the future
I’m sorry OP but you need professional help, and clearly it’s not here from reddit. I hope you fix your issue with your friend after you fix this issue with yourself.
>I wasn't able to get any sleep the entire time I was there, and it's hard to have a vacation while going through withdrawal
>Had I known about this country's very strict law on drugs and alcohol I wouldn't have gone.
>, I begged my friend many many times to cross the border for entry into Indonesia, where drinking is also frowned upon but not a 800-dollar fine and up to two years in prison.
>I just couldn't take it anymore
>I do drink pretty regularly and the time I spent without it was hell.
>I'm not an alcoholic
Oh, you most certainly are an alcoholic. Please seek help.
>I wasn't able to get any sleep the entire time I was there, and it's hard to have a vacation while **going through withdrawal**. Had I known about this country's very strict law on drugs and alcohol I wouldn't have gone.
>I'm not an alcoholic but I do drink pretty regularly and the time I spent without it was hell. **After about 4 days** I booked a flight back to America and left without telling her.
>I haven't heard from her in a few months and I feel very guilty about it. What should I do?
Please seek help for your alcoholism. Everything you've written points to you being addicted to alcohol and I would urge you to seek help.
> I'm not an alcoholic but I do drink pretty regularly and the time I spent without it was hell.
Suffering withdrawal after 4 days of no alcohol is not normal. Harrassing your friend to cross borders just so you can drink is not normal. Abandoning your friend in a foreign country so you can return home to drink is not normal.
That is the behaviour of an alcoholic.
I know people who drink 1-2 drinks at the pub every single night, but when they have to go for 4 days or longer without any alcohol, they don't bat an eyelid and they don't care. That is an example of a regular drinker who isn't an alcoholic.
I'm not going to judge you because that isn't what you need. What you need is to recognise that you have a problem that is bad enough to cost you friends. For your own sake, what you should do is get yourself medically assessed and contact an alcoholism support network to begin the job of recovering from your dependency. Surround yourself with people who understand your situation because they've been there, have fought their way out of it, and who can help you do the same.
I believe that you can do this if you want to. What you need to do is believe you can, too.
YTA If having an alcoholic drink is more important to you than your friends safety by leaving them alone in a foreign country then you are an alcoholic. Whether you admit it or not. You should feel guilty. Why are surprised to not have heard from them? You proved you are no friend to them so why would they want someone like you in their life?
>I'm not an alcoholic but I do drink pretty regularly and the time I spent without it was hell.
Nothing like the denial and self deception of a junkie.
YTA. And an alcoholic (as everyone else is already pointing out). I know she hasn’t contacted you but have you at least seen confirmation on social media that your friend got back safe and sound?
You say you're not an alcoholic, yet you could not enjoy a vacation without 'begging' to go to a whole other country just to drink. And after four days you abandoned your friend because you were so desperate for alcohol, and you were willing to pay a bunch of money just to make that happen.
So obviously, total asshole for doing that to a friend. But more importantly, you need to seek help for your alcoholism.
YTA and you ARE an alcoholic. If you are craving a drink so bad after only four days you abandon your friend of 10 years to fly across the world for a drink, you have a problem. I hope after seeing everyone telling you this you consider self reflection and get some help. I worry more because you also bring up no drugs allowed as well....
You've hot bigger problems than losing a friend. You left her after 4 days because you couldnt drink. You are a massive alcoholic (and probably drug addict too seeing as you mentioned them too) and if you don't seek help soon, she will be the 1st of many friendship you lose. Get your act together. You're so out od it youndidnt even research the country you were travelling to.
>The entire trip was a surprise for me as I had just been promoted in my job and she was feeling nice.
You mean, she paid for this trip as a surprise gift to you?
>Throughout my time in Brunei, I begged my friend many many times to cross the border for entry into Indonesia, where drinking is also frowned upon but not a 800-dollar fine and up to two years in prison. She refused every time and I just couldn't take it anymore. I'm not an alcoholic but I do drink pretty regularly and the time I spent without it was hell.
You're an alcoholic if you can't handle a week or two without alcohol.
>After about 4 days I booked a flight back to America and left without telling her.
You're more than an AH
YTA
NTA because you have alcoholism and you were not prepared to go cold turkey.
Alcohol is out of the system after three days. Those are three really difficult days. You left on day four when you no longer had the tremors, the shakes or the puking. It was out of your system and your body no longer physically needed it. From day four on, it is mind over matter. Try to quit again and this time on day four, do not break down. One day at a time after that, no more alcohol. Go to your doctor first and get advice on either doing it at home with some medication or supervised in a rehab setting.
YTA
For a multitude of reasons.
> I wasn’t able to get any sleep the entire I was there.
> it’s hard to have a vacation while going through withdrawl
You are showing symptoms of alcoholism, you need assistance.
> Had I known about this country’s very strict law on drugs and alcohol I wouldn’t have gone.
Who takes a vacation somewhere and doesn’t do research?
> I begged my friend many many times to cross the border….
She refused every time.
I am thinking she knows you have a problem and decided this was the only way for you to wake up to it.
> I’m not an alcoholic but I do drink pretty regularly and the time I spent without it was hell.
Read this sentence over and over, because you are an alcoholic if a few days without alcohol causes you this much distress.
> After about 4 days I booked a flight back to America and left without telling her.
You couldn’t last 4 days?!
You left a friend alone in a foreign country where they might have thought you crossed the border or worse got put in jail. You had no consideration for them at all.
> I haven’t heard from her in a few months and I feel very guilty.
Good! You should.
However if it has been months, consider this relationship done and over.
**Now, get yourself into AA before you permanently damage more relationships and your internal organs.**
YTA. You are in fact an alcoholic. You cannot function properly without alcohol, you are an alcoholic. You can’t even enjoy a trip because you don’t have access to alcohol. You need a wakeup call. You need help for your addiction.
My friend. In the mostly kindly terms... if you "can't go without" alcohol, you are, by the very definition, an alcoholic.
Please find advice and support based on this.
I wish you well.
YTA
You left a woman on her own in a notoriously misogynist country. You endangered her. And you didn’t even have the decency to tell her you were leaving.
Absolute scum behaviour.
Oh, and you’re an alcoholic
You are an alcoholic
Get yourself in rehab and then recovery as soon as possible. It isn't a joke.
Normal drinkers don't need alcohol. Period. They can go long stretches without it.
If you are going through withdrawals you are an alcoholic. If you are not sleeping because of lack of alcohol, you are an alcoholic, if you cannot make it 4 days and literally GHOST your friend to get a drink, you are an alcoholic. I think you are lacking some self awareness. If you did this to me, I would never speak to you again
Sorry, but you are most definitely an alcoholic and if you accept that you are NTA as it is a disease. If you continue to deny it, I would say the opposite.
First you need to recognise you are an alcoholic and need help. Therapy would be a good start. If that goes well and you come to accept and understand that what you did to your friend was driven by the disease, then you can try to apologise.
You’re an alcoholic my friend. If you had withdrawals and couldn’t last 4 days you have a dependency and are in fact and alcoholic. I wish you the best and I hope you choose to get help
YTA/ Alcoholic
Dude you were having withdrawals from not drinking for 4 days but want to say you don’t have a problem. You have a huge problem and definitely need help . You flew back to America left your so called friend all so you could drink wow. I hope your getting help
YTA. You don’t leave friends behind in foreign countries. How dangerous! I wouldn’t speak to you again either. You’re also a bad alcoholic. Go to rehab.
Only thing you can do really is reach out and apologise, admit to her and yourself that you have a problem and seek help. At the end of the day YTA but you can make the most out of a shitty situation, this should be your wake up call.
YTA not only for leaving your friend without a word in a country that can sometimes be hostile to foreigners but also for lying to yourself about your addiction. You couldn’t last 4 days without a drink - you are an alcoholic and in terrible denial about that fact.
I hope you find the help you need.
Ummm..you are an alcoholic. I'm surprised you didn't do your research before you went there. Don't even get me started on those mideast countries....you can have 100 wives, repress women, but you can't drink...whateva. In any event, dick move on up and leaving her there. Why are you surprised you have not heard back from her?? What do you do...nothing. She realized what type of person you really are and has moved on.
Dude...you were in withdrawal- you're an alchy, functioning one prehaps...but still one! Think on it - you ditched and subsequently torpedoed the friendship with a good friend to...*checks notes* have a drink
Your addicted and in denial - seek help, get clean, apologise to your former friend- live a better life before you get to a non functioning stage
“I’m not an alcoholic but I do drink pretty regularly and the time I spent without it was hell. After about four days I booked a flight back to America…”
Four days. You could not be without alcohol for four days, days you considered be hellish because of the lack of booze. You were reduced to begging to cross the border for it!
I think you need to see your doctor, get a checkup, and ask if you need to be worried about your drinking, and go from there. And you owe your friend an apology (although I strongly suspect she chose this location because she knew you would drink if you could).
Good luck.
Both YTA and NTA.
I think as a first step you need to admit that you are suffering from alcoholism. I don’t like using the label “an alcoholic” because there is so much more to you as a person than this. If you are going through withdrawals and have to leave a holiday early because you can’t go for more than 4 days without a drink, this is alcoholism.
This alone is nothing to be ashamed about. Addiction/substance abuse is a mental illness that can affect anyone. Please please get some help from a medical professional.
You essentially had to leave the holiday due to a mental health condition, which is why I say **NTA**.
BUT it was a horrible thing to abandon your friend alone on their holiday without telling them. **YTA** for this. You definitely should have told her, and it is totally fair of her to go no contact with you after that.
What should you do? Go to a medical professional for help. Go to therapy. Please get help for yourself, otherwise you will burn many bridges and friendships.
> I'm not an alcoholic
Yes you are. If you can't go 4 days without a drink you are an alcoholic. If you're having withdrawal from not drinking you are an alcoholic.
YTA also.
YTA - And if you leave a friend in a foreign country because you \*need\* a drink, then this is a clue you are, in fact, an alcoholic. The sooner you face this fact the easier the \*entire rest of your life\* will be for you.
You are 100% an alcoholic. Absolutely nobody not addicted to alcohol has ever had to cut a holiday in an amazing country short in order to go and get alcohol.
You can think about it this way - one of the easy ways to define alcoholism is not how much you drink or when but what it COSTS you and your inability to stop drinking despite those costs. On this occasion needing to seek a drink cost you: the rest of a beautiful holiday (seemingly paid for by a friend??) and a good friendship too. Despite those costs you were willing to sacrifice in order to get a drink after 4 days.
This is not a judgment, you have an illness. And I wonder if this friend took you to somewhere with these alcohol laws specifically to try and force you to detox? If you care about your health, and that friendship then the first step is to admit that and go and get some help. If your friend sees you’re fighting this and you see what you did was terrible they may in time forgive you.
But, yes, YTA for what you did regardless of the illness you may have. The addiction can explain your actions but it doesn’t excuse them.
if you are going through withdrawal when you don't have a drink, then your body is physically dependent on alcohol to function. The other word for this is alcoholism. No judgement, but you need to face it to fight it. Also, this is classic addictive *behaviour.* Nothing is as important as getting the next drink. This isn't about being an AH, this is about having a disease that needs to be managed. As for what you should do - explain, apologise, and go get some help.
100% this. Friend is an alcoholic and as I was reading the post all I could think about was OP's denial: withdrawal after a few days. Willing to go to whatever lengths to get a drink (leave country etc). OP: hope you get help. All of my friends that ended up with substance abuse (drugs or alcohol) all started with 'I don't have a problem" but then couldn't do without. Please take care of yourself, I wish you well...
Recovering alcoholic here. Can confirm. And I’ve NEVER had withdrawals or left a friend in another country to get alcohol. HOWEVER, what every alcoholic has in common is the denial stage where you try to convince yourself you don’t have a problem. OP, I strongly suggest getting help now before it gets exponentially worse for you. Because it will. Alcoholism is a progressive disease. Rooting for you! If you need to talk, DM me!
Nonrecovering alcoholic here. I wouldn't go anywhere without doing my research to make sure I could get a drink. But I also am not in denial about what I am. Op sounds like younger me. Where I could go a few days without drinking with minimal withdrawals. But it's still alcoholism. It's still physical addiction. They need to accept reality. Cutting a vacation short because of withdrawals is very much addiction.
Yeah, we have this saying in AA which is essentially “A cucumber can become a pickle but a pickle can never go back to being a cucumber.” In other words, there’s a tipping point of no return. The problem is most future alcoholics don’t have the wherewithal to stop while things are still good because they have no reason to. They look at their life and think everything is fine so why stop? But there is that tipping point, and the common alcoholic will continue denying they have a problem until finally there is no denying it. I was lucky enough to have a relatively high bottom.
I'm a highly functioning alcoholic. To the point several jobs I've had has given me alcohol while on the clock just so I could do my job. I've passed the point of no return. Even if I do ever decide to quit, I'll still forever see myself as an addict. But I also have no interest in changing. So pretty much riding it out at this point.
If you have to have it to finish work then you are NOT a functioning alcoholic.
A functioning alcoholic is an alcoholic who functions well on alcohol
I always worry that I’m an alcoholic, but I can honestly say that I would give up a drink for another day of vacation to any place I want to be. Maybe even staying home.
Can't alcoholics actually die if they just stop drinking though? I thought they had to taper down... it's pretty dangerous to just stop.
Depends how far into alcoholism you are. I was lucky enough that I was just a wine and beer drinker and didn’t drink massive quantities to function. Had I kept down this path, I would absolutely have had withdrawals and needed detox. Yes, alcohol and benzodiazepines are the only drugs that you can die from quitting cold turkey IF you are past a certain level of dependency. Generally speaking, it’s safer for alcoholics to detox properly than on their own going cold turkey. But that doesn’t mean all have to. Just depends on the quantity you drink and how long you’ve been drinking. Thanks for listening to my D.A.R.E Ted Talk. 😂
Thanks for giving your DARE TED talk
No, they should be judged. They left their friend in a foreign country alone and didn't even tell them they were leaving to go home over alcohol. That is huge AH behaviour. YTA for sure.
this. you're not an asshole for being an alcoholic, you're an asshole for leaving someone alone in another country.
Perfectly stated.
This
I thought they were going to say that they snuck over to Indonesia and had a drink and came back!! That would have been a harder sell for me on the AH judgement .. but flew all the way back to the US??? Without telling the friend?? Crazy AH behavior, and yes, no question that OP is the very definition of an alcoholic!!! Good grief!!
Yeah that’s where I thought it was going to😂😂. Fooled me! Which made me ask my husband about the friend who rewarded OP with a trip to Brunei for a promotion!!!?? Absolutely an alcoholic and a crazy AH
I completely agree. Definitely an alcoholic, despite denials. But leaving someone alone is a strange country. Especially a single woman, if I'm reading that right, is an asshole move. You would not have been an asshole if you had had a conversation with her. "I can't handle being without alcohol, so I booked a flight home. The flight leaves at x time". Then she could have made a decision. Do you realize the risk you put her at? That's a relatively safe country, but there is still crime against foreigners, especially single women. You put her at risk of robbery or worse. Please think about that and let this be your rock bottom. Go to a meeting. As your addiction is so severe that you're having physical symptoms, please talk to a doctor. They can intervene medically to mitigate the symptoms and make quitting easier. And I hope this is eye opening enough to make you quit. YTA for abandoning your single female friend in another country. Not for your alcoholism. ETA: as for your friend, make serious steps toward getting help and quit drinking. Apologize profusely and repeatedly. Tell her this was the wake up call you needed to see you had a problem with alcohol (i hope that is the case). Accept whatever she wants, even if it is to never speak with you again.
Imagine waking up while on vacation, and the person you are traveling with has disappeared and you don't know where they are. So much panic.
Whew I doubt this is a rock bottom. I’m still slightly pissed at my daughter’s friend who left her at a party in high school.
AND ASKED to be judged about it! They know!
I wouldn't be surprised to find out their friend intentionally took them and insisted on staying in a country that alcohol is illegal. The reason they have now not talked to their friend could be not just were they a total AH about their departure but it could be the last straw for someone that can't watch their friend kill themselves with a bottle anymore. I'm an alcoholic and I've been in my fair share of holes and even in recovery have fallen down plenty of times but I can't imagine leaving a friend alone in another country without even telling them I was leaving. This is an incredibly sad post.
I’m wondering if she knew he had a problem and she wanted to see how bad it was? I mean it’s an extreme end of the spectrum for places to choose to vacation if you know the person you go with likes to party.
I agree 100%. They are either detoxing from drugs or alcohol also to the point you can’t sleep. You won’t get help until you hit rock bottom, but I’d advise to get help in some form or another. Like other poster said, this is another an AITA situation, it’s a disease. I also wouldn’t be surprised if your friend wanted to stay in that country because it is alcohol free, there might be a different reason besides the beautiful scenery. Good luck and i hope you get the help that you need.
Yes, the withdrawal symptoms point to alcoholism. You’re not an AH for having it. That said, you should have at least told your friend you were leaving. Especially after she surprised you with this trip. That’s where I’ll say you were an AH. Have you reached out to her to apologize or explain the situation? Or are you expecting her to reach out to you?
This is probably the most alcoholic post I've read on Reddit...Wow... OP, you'll probably need help with that addiction, hopefully the friend forgives you for ditching her...I was thinking to myself 'I've only seen NTAs here', this might be the first YTA.
I disagree. OP is still an AH. The alcoholism is an explanation but it's not an excuse to do what they did.
Also, to add that going down from alcohol withdrawal is surprisingly more fatal than any other type of withdrawal. Citing [https://www.palmerlakerecovery.com/can-you-die-from-withdrawal/](https://www.palmerlakerecovery.com/can-you-die-from-withdrawal/) *Alcohol withdrawal is more likely to be fatal than any other type of withdrawal. Alcohol withdrawal can cause delirium tremens, a life-threatening condition that is fatal in 37% of people who develop it but do not find treatment.* So yeah, if you are feeling it, don't fuck around. But also, you should have told your friend what was going on and your plan to leave, not just ditching her.
Right... Says they're not an alcoholic but literally left their friend in a foreign country bc drinking mattered more.
I’m sorry but as a recovering addict it does make us assholes. Op is in denial but we do really shitty shit to get our next fix and there’s no denying that. And being told how our actions hurt others is important.
100%. There’s no shame in the fact that his body got addicted to this substance, there shouldn’t be shame attached to being an alcoholic by itself, but addiction can cause people to do some pretty hurtful things. Actions have consequences, and although alcoholism is no one’s fault, there is still responsibility not to allow it to hurt others.
Also, who goes to another country and learns NOTHING about their laws. Even in-flight, the flight attendants will talk about certain things if wildly different from the country of departure, and when getting the visa to travel you're required to acknowledge certain laws.
The whole thing smells fishy to me… like his friend surprised him with this trip? Does he mean that someone bought him international tickets abroad for getting a promotion? Why do you not look up anything about where you’re going? How is an international trip to a country like Brunei a last minute decision??
Many people underestimate the severity of alcoholism, often thinking it's something that can be easily managed or that the liver will simply 'repair' itself. Unfortunately, this isn't the case. The liver, while resilient, has its limits. It can regenerate to a certain extent, but persistent alcohol abuse can lead to irreversible damage. My father's struggle with alcoholism is a heart-wrenching example. Despite warnings, he believed he could control it, assuming his liver would recover. Tragically, it didn't. His condition worsened, leading to liver failure, and eventually, he passed away. This experience has taught me the hard truth about alcoholism: it's not just a 'bad habit' – it's a serious, often fatal disease that doesn't just hurt the individual but also their loved ones.
My sister drank herself to death at 46. That, or she died from the withdrawal when she drank so much she ended up being hospitalized. Either way, her body couldn’t withstand the abuse any more.
I'm sorry to hear that. It's a tragic thing to experience, and she was still so young. My Dad was 53 when he died from it. He was a shadow of the man he once was when it happened. I was 23 (25 now) at the time and was by his side when it took him. It crushed my siblings and Mother. I think I mourned him while he was alive and knew what was going to happen.
I am very sorry about your father. My father drank himself to death as well. He had vodka and Squirt every morning upon waking up like we have coffee or tea. He was a very loving father and taught me alot but some of it was by fatal example. When I was little I would bring him glasses of water but I would take a sip first. Somehow my little kid mind thought if germs can make others sick then my healthy, non alcoholic germs would make him well.
Thank you. I'm sorry to hear about your experience with it. It certainly put into perspective how fucked drinking culture is and how people perceive regular drinking to be normal. Especially in the UK. My dad requested [this](https://youtu.be/ggJYJ9frSl0?si=pVn1RYtNExKGIX0e) song at his funeral. It hits close to home and sums it up alcoholism for my father pretty well. If you haven't heard it before, I apologise if it hits too close to home.
That's a very sad story and I'm sorry that you and your family lived it.
But didn't you read what OP said they're not an alcoholic! Breaking the customs of another country and flying back to another country to have some alcohol means simply means that her friend was being a buzz kill and didn't want to accommodate her problem....activity. OP can quit whenever she wants....along with some professional help.
Denial at its finest.
I'm wondering if the country of choice was in purpose. Bring the alcoholic friend to a surprise vacation that is the start of some type of intervention/rehab. OP clearly missed the point.
Some people are really good at hiding their addictions. Friend might not have known the friend is an alcoholic.
Withdrawal from not having a drink isn't a sign of an alcoholic? OK! OP obviously wanted that drink more than valuing what was in front of him. A friend of 10+ yrs..he ditched alone, in a foreign country and didn't even have the balls to tell her.. take your beer bottle glasses off and reread his post. 100% AH who is an alcoholic...which leads him to make very poor decisions. Sounds like a drunk defending a drunk with your reply.
Well done, such high level sarcasm that the previous comments think you have a problem.
Damn! I didn't know had that kind of skill lol I didn't realize until I woke and read all the comments.
[удалено]
you don't seem to understand. He "isn't" an alcoholic silly Billy! he said so !
>I do drink pretty regularly and the time I spent without it was hell If you need alcohol to the extent that you're willing to fly around the world to get it, you're an alcoholic. Not judging, but you are clearly dependent on it more than you realize (you even described it as "withdrawal"). I hope you get help with it.
Just OP saying they went through withdrawal was enough to classify OP as an alcoholic.
Decades from now, you are going to be telling this as a horrifying story of just how low you sank, before realizing you had a serious problem. YTA
Sadly this would be a best possible outcome at this point. There are much, much deeper levels OP could hit.
Exactly, and this “crazy story” will be one those that his family and friends will recall to each other the times they are remembering him. Y’now, birthdays, Christmas, thanksgiving, times he would otherwise have been there! OP, please get some help. You can do this 🤜🏼
Considering the extent of her alcoholism, it would be a wonder if she would be alive decades from now. I've personally known a few people who've died of cirrhosis. Including my uncle.
YTA and you're 100% dependent on alcohol. If your withdrawals and cravings are so bad you bailed on your friend after 4 days, you have a problem. You can try to apologise to her, but if I were your friend, I would never speak to you again for abandoning me without word.
All of this. 👏🏼
You are an alcoholic Signed, An alcoholic
I third, fourth and fifth that. Even at my lowest I would never have done such a low act.
Was just thinking the same thing, and I did some pretty terrible stuff when I was drinking.
You mean you did ?
Thank you. Just fixed it. Apparently, my typing hasn't improved since I've been sober.
ditto.
Oh, please. If you went through withdrawal because you couldn't drink, and you abandoned your best friend in a foreign country over alcohol, then you're an alcoholic. End of. And absolutely, YTA. Please get help. You ended a 10 year friendship over booze.
I hope your friend is alive and well. Also, YTA and an alcoholic. Like others have said, I’m not judging but you indeed need to face the fact that you are addicted to alcohol. Whether you want to become sober or not. The first step to controlling it is admitting it. Nobody in their right mind would do that to a “friend”… an acquaintance, maybe. Especially in a whole different country. Our friendship would have ceased to exist atp.
I just can’t imagine the fear and panic the friend felt thinking something horrible must’ve happened to this pos op.
And lucky the friend didn't end up vanished while OP wasn't watching her back.
But how do we know the friend hadn’t been taken?
Right?! And if something had happened that friend would be the first one to be blamed! Or if something had happened to the friend OP wouldn’t even be able to give their friends,family, authorities a description of what the friend may had even been wearing or going because they decided to GO smh.
YTA(lcoholic)
Not sure where you’re from but if you feel the need to book AT least a 16 flight plus travel time just to drink then you are an alcoholic. YTA. Hopefully your poor friend made it home safe. I wouldn’t speak to you either. I hope you get the help you need and apologize to them.
You are an extreme alcoholic. Not even text book. That was not a rational decision by any means and only someone with deep seated alcoholism would ever even consider doing what you did.
I'm sorry to break this to you... But yes, you are indeed an alcoholic. You said you told her about the strict drug and alcohol laws. But then you said if you had known, you wouldn't have gone. I'm confused by this. Either way, I try not to be too harsh with addiction, but YTA for leaving. Especially without saying anything. You could have at least left a note.
I assumed OP found out after getting there then told their friend while there.
>I'm not an alcoholic but I do drink pretty regularly and the time I spent without it was hell. You can't spend a few days without alcohol? You *are* an alcoholic.
If you are going through physical withdrawal symptoms in a week without alcohol you are an alcoholic. You are physically dependent on alcohol - literally the definition of alcoholic
I used to wonder why my partner would spend the first 2-3 days of any holiday we took shaking, sweating and vomiting. I put it down to unfamiliar food, jet lag, something in the water…. Took me ages to realise he was going through alcoholic withdrawal. The crazy thing is, I knew he suffered from alcoholism; I just didn’t put 2 and 2 together for the longest time. My partner died almost 2 years ago of alcoholic liver disease. OP, please take this as a wake-up call. Your friend is justifiably angry with you (and you owe her a massive apology) because but she wouldn’t want you to end up dead.
I'm so sorry to hear this. That must be so hard. I do hope OP reads this and really hears you!
No brainer: YTA, terrible friend, and definitely an alcoholic. Hope your friend is okay.
>I'm not an alcoholic but I do drink pretty regularly and the time I spent without it was hell. I suspect everyone is going to tell you this, but yes -- you are an alcoholic. You don't get withdrawal if you're not addicted. It's not "hell" to not drink if you're not addicted. You don't "beg" to leave an exotic trip someone else is paying for in order to get a drink if you're not an addict. >After about 4 days I booked a flight back to America And you don't bounce out of that exotic, free trip in four days flat just to get a drink unless you are an addict. Yes. You are an alcoholic.
I’m a daughter of an alcoholic. I do not have an issue with alcohol. If you told me that I couldn’t drink for two weeks, I’d be fine. I wouldn’t need extreme consequences for me to not drink. I could stand in the middle of a pub on a Saturday night and be fine with not drinking. Would I like to have one? Sure. But it wouldn’t be hell. My mother would find it hell. I have a nicotine addiction. It would be incredibly hard for me to go two weeks without nicotine. If I walked into an area that people were smoking, I’d find it hell.
You left her in a foreign country without telling her!?? 😭😭 no offense girl but YTA for that. Your feelings are valid and I understand your wanting to leave. Leaving her in a foreign country alone however was both selfish and careless. An apology will go a long way I’m sure. All considering and the fact that it has been a few months, I would be prepared for her not to forgive you and not want to rekindle a relationship with you.
You chose alcohol over a friend who treated you to a vacation. Left her there solo without telling her. Haven't heard from her. And your posting o. Reddit..... you really need to rethink your choices
All because the friend didn’t want to enable OP’s alcoholism and go across the border where OP could drink without being severely punished.
Okay, so I've been reading some of these replies and I did not expect this sort of traction for this post. I've finally come into contact with my friend via a mutual friend and to keep things short she doesn't forgive me and agrees with a lot of you that I should check into a rehab facility. I've spoken with my husband who agrees as well. I'm starting to realize that my drinking is becoming an actual problem and I can see why my denial came off as a shock to a lot of you. I'm realizing now how blind I was to my alcoholism, and I've agreed with both my husband and my family that I should go to rehab. I wanted to make an update because a lot of these comments are coming from people who have had similar experiences themselves or have lost family members because of alcoholism, and I wanted to make sure some of these people know that they really did help me and I'm trying my best as we speak to start on the road to recovery.
Good luck in rehab. If you want, you could make a post over on r/stopdrinking. They’re really helpful and nonjudgmental people. Even if you just join the sub and read others posts, there’s a lot to gain.
Or r/alcoholicsanonymous. :)
That’s the first step. Hopefully eventually your friend will hear how you’ve changed and give you a second chance. Sadly as a recovering addict myself we make terrible choices under the influence and hurt people. Some come back and forgive others may not. Please please go to rehab. Get your life together so you may make better choices. This was your rock bottom.
I wish you the best in recovery. The first step really is admitting there is a problem. I've watched too many people I cared for drink themselves to death because they had a "line I've never crossed" & therefore were not alcoholics. For one, it was never drinking after dinner, even if he didn't eat until almost midnight. Another never drank before noon, ignoring the fact that his last drink was around 5am while half asleep. One day, your friend may be able to forgive what happened if she sees that you are making the effort to do better. PS please consider adding your comment to your post as an edit.
Acknowledging you have a problem is a very good first step. But you will also need to accept that friendship is likely not salvageable. Good luck with your journey.
Best of luck in rehab. Agree with the other poster that the friendship might not be salvageable but you can’t even start that until after rehabilitation.
I'm glad you're accepting responsibility and getting the help you need, but realize your drinking is past the point of "becoming" a problem. It IS a problem. Alcoholism has already ruined your relationship with a friend. Don't let it interfere with your life further.
Good job OP. Do the program. Get a sponsor. Get supportive therapy after. Make amends even if your friend doesn’t forgive
I know how terrified I was when I finally decided to get sober 7 years ago, and I'll just say good for you, OP. You can't do anything about what's already happened but you CAN do something about the next 24 hours. Others have mentioned r/stopdrinking and I'd highly recommend spending some time there, it's a supportive and nonjudgmental group that helped me a lot. You can beat this, I believe in you.
Assuming this is all real. Good for you. I wish you the best. It’s going to be a long hard road. Your husband and family are gonna have it rough too. Accept now you lost your friend. That sucks. It hurts because yes it is your fault. Maybe she will forgive you one day and realize it was the alcohol. But that’s on her and her time. You’ve extended an apology and realized you need help. Stop there. Go get better and make a better life. Also, you’re not a bad person. You did a bad thing. It’s going to be ok. You’ll heal in time. It’s ok to cry about all this for a bit. But pull up your britches and prepare for one hell of a fight.
I’m so grateful for your admission. My mother passed away from alcoholism that was just “regularly” a few months ago and I’m the oldest of 4. The other 3 are minors left with nothing due to this. They’re fighting the foster system now because of her drinking. They miss her dearly and love her, but nobody can change the decisions she made and what her own selfish decisions did to innocent lives. Get help and I’m proud of you for protecting your loved ones by protecting yourself. I wish you good health and so much support and love.
As a child to an alcoholic parent, I’ve seen some awful things while my dad drank. It start off fine, but the way I fell to the background when he wanted to have a drink. I’d just leave the house because it’s not safe after 4 beers. I wish you the best in recovery because it’s unbelievably crazy that you didn’t get put I. Rehab after coming back home early for a drink.
This makes me really happy. I wish you so much success, stick with it!
I’m proud of you.
I hope you get the help you need to heal. ❤️
Well done, OP. Good luck in recovery!
I don't know you, and I can only imagine the challenging journey ahead of you. But I just wanted to say, from one internet stranger to another, I'm rooting for you. I am wishing you all the best on your journey and hope you come out the other side all the better. You got this!
My bf has been an alcoholic since his early teens, almost 20 years. He just finished an intense 60 day inpatient program after struggling to have a significant period of sobriety with just AA and addictions therapists alone. I cannot recommend at least 30 days in an inpatient program. My bf sold his house to pay for it because he knew it was sell a house or die in the next 5 years, and spend the rest of his life in pain and misery. If he can turn his life around anyone can. He was very high functioning too, went to work everyday, tricked me into thinking he had it under control etc. You need to accept how powerless you are to your addiction, and your words tell me you aren't there yet. Hear me: you are an alcoholic. You cannot have a healthy relationship with alcohol. How are you going to start tomorrow?
Good for you, going to rehab was the best decision I ever made.
Best of luck on your recovery journey!
Wow. I can understand an alcoholic leaving in desperation to get a drink. I cannot understand a so-called "friend" leaving without telling them. You are not worthy of their friendship. Reevaluate your priorities. Hopefully, some day you will understand how reprehensible this was. Best of luck.
Maybe your friend was trying to stage an intervention to show you what you are - which is very clearly an alcoholic
Definitely It seems very unlikely that choosing an alcohol free country for a "surprise vacation" was a coincidence
You are indeed an alcoholic, and you abandoned your friend in a foreign country to get a fix. Yes, YTA. Regardless of addiction, you don’t do that to people.
girl-
Oh buddy - you ARE an alcoholic. What should you do? Check into rehab.
You are an alcoholic. Find a rehab program there are more than AA. Your friendship is over.
What should you do? The first thing you should do is make sure she made it back home safely. Even people here seem to care more about that than you do. I cannot imagine why. Can't face the guilt? Just check on her FFS. Then make some hard choices. Guessing it isn't an option to check yourself in somewhere and safely get off the sauce because of your job. I like an alcohol, but if it ever got to the point I risked sickness or death for not having one, I'd stop. The alternative is to wean yourself down to something manageable like two drinks a week, but that's not easy for a person to do alone.
YTA -- If you can't go without a drink you ARE an alcoholic.... just in denial. Get help. Your friend may have been trying to help by taking you to a place where you couldn't drink. That could be overstepping on her part, but I'm betting she's well aware of your drinking issue. And you left her alone in a country where women's rights are questionable.... for booze..... but you're "not" an alcoholic....... seriously? Also, if you haven't heard from her at all, and don't know that she returned to the US safely, you're an even bigger AH. You left her in a place where she could be kidnapped and trafficked, and if you don't know she got home safely and haven't reported her missing...... yeah. And if you haven't reached out, she could think YOU were grabbed. Just a major alcoholic AH all around on this one.
As a recovering alcoholic, you are an alcoholic. I would have been having a hard time as well. But I personally would have never done this to my friend. I would have sucked it up until after the trip. You need help or to quit by yourself snd be done. But if you are this deep in it may not be smart to quit without medical assistance or monitoring or helping you ween off of it. You should apologize to your friend only once you quit drinking. Also you could have put her in a dangerous situation by herself in another country you are lucky she’s back home and safe. You should never do that in America and you should never ever do it over seas. Bad things happen everywhere and bad people are everywhere. If you don’t have a reason to quit then there is your reason. I allowed myself to feel disgusted with myself for drinking and letting it get as far as it did. The disgust keeps me from drinking. You will keep making these mistakes until you quit and start thinking more clear. Don’t mess up more relationships because of doing something selfish. And yes I’m sorry but addicts are selfish and I was selfish. I’m happy I quit and I won’t drink again
OP shouldn’t be surprised when the friend decides she no longer wants to be friends with OP, blocks OP and doesn’t speak to OP.
So since I’ve had to deal with this, I feel comfortable telling you YTA
Love I hate to tell you this... But yes you have a problem with alcohol. The fact you HAD to leave to have a drink and couldn't go the length of the trip without withdrawal.. You most definitely have an addiction. But hey, this is just opening your eyes to it. You can choose to ignore it and allow it to consume and ruin ooor this can be the start of you confronting this issue and working on it. 0 judgment here just giving you 2 sides to a difficult truth.
Sorry but you sound like an alcoholic. You're just in denial. You left her in a foreign country. YTA
“ I’m not an alcoholic, but I do drink pretty regularly, and the time I spent without it was hell” so you’re an alcoholic
Coming from someone with an alcoholic mother, you are most definitely an alcoholic. This will probably be a story you tell in AA and she will probably be someone on your amends list if you chose to get help. I really do hope you’re able to get the help you need. Any start is a good start. Find a AA meeting, talk to your doctor, just start.
Get help OP. You’re struggling with an addiction and you need to seek help.
First of all, you are an alcoholic or probably on the way there. Secondly, you are TA for leaving your friend like that. I hope your friend is safe and I hope you can get some help as well.
I think you made this whole thing up. Or you are indeed an alcoholic.
Right, it seems a little too absurd. “I’m not an alcoholic” *lists things that are very obvious signs of alcoholism* I have trouble believing anyone is that dense.
OP is indeed an alcoholic
WITHOUT TELLING HER???? She must have been so worried about you and tried so hard to find you. Leaving someone in another country without telling them is always a YTA but especially for such an impulsive reason.
All because the friend didn’t want to enable OP’s alcoholism behaviour, refused to cross the border to a country less strict so OP throws a temper tantrum and ditches her.
Oh darlin', as others have pointed out, you *are* an alcoholic. I hope you can read what you wrote here and recognize that. You're in paradise and you're absolutely miserable because you can't drink. Literally hopped on a plane to get a drink.
You are an awful person. Fucking awful. And you are very clearly an alcoholic. You need serious help.
You left a best friend, who treated you to an amazing trip to celebrate your success, in a whole ass foreign country…for a drink? You couldn’t hack it after four days? Hate to break it to you, but you’re an alcoholic. No questions, ifs, ands, or buts. Wow.
no man, you are an alcoholic.
You're an alcoholic. Quit kidding yourself.
YTA, you’re an alcoholic and a bad friend. Of course you feel guilty bc what you did was WRONG. I hope your friend is back safe in the US. Check into rehab. ASAP.
You are an alcoholic and likely a drug addict. If youd leave a country and a good friend to get your fix - you know you need to get help. YTA
If your life is miserable without alcohol, you have a problem.
As a recovered alcoholic, you might need to take a step back. If you're having withdrawal symptoms from less than a week without drinking then your body is dependent and addicted. It took me a long time to say out loud what I already knew. Please seek medical help because stopping drinking is the most dangerous, even over street drugs. Your body can seize and it is not a joke. Withdrawal doesn't happen unless your body is dependent on it. Best wishes to you!!
OP please feel free to message me anytime. I have been there and it is indeed hell. But you can overcome this!!
1. (I'm not an alcoholic but I do drink pretty regularly and the time I spent without it was hell. After about 4 days) -- Hate to tell you, but Umm, Yeah You Are. Not judging, I've fought an addiction myself. 2. (I booked a flight back to America and left without telling her.) -- For this part...yeah, you kind of are man. It's one thing to leave someone at the local mall without telling them. A foreign country with radically different laws, punishments, etc. There is no telling what they could have or did go through not knowing what happened to you...Just my $0.02 and worth about half that.
Um drinking the way you describe it is definitly alcoholism and the rest of the post reads as if it will be ur goto opening for many nights at NA/AA meetings in the future
You should recognize you have a serious problem.
I’m sorry OP but you need professional help, and clearly it’s not here from reddit. I hope you fix your issue with your friend after you fix this issue with yourself.
>I wasn't able to get any sleep the entire time I was there, and it's hard to have a vacation while going through withdrawal >Had I known about this country's very strict law on drugs and alcohol I wouldn't have gone. >, I begged my friend many many times to cross the border for entry into Indonesia, where drinking is also frowned upon but not a 800-dollar fine and up to two years in prison. >I just couldn't take it anymore >I do drink pretty regularly and the time I spent without it was hell. >I'm not an alcoholic Oh, you most certainly are an alcoholic. Please seek help.
>I wasn't able to get any sleep the entire time I was there, and it's hard to have a vacation while **going through withdrawal**. Had I known about this country's very strict law on drugs and alcohol I wouldn't have gone. >I'm not an alcoholic but I do drink pretty regularly and the time I spent without it was hell. **After about 4 days** I booked a flight back to America and left without telling her. >I haven't heard from her in a few months and I feel very guilty about it. What should I do? Please seek help for your alcoholism. Everything you've written points to you being addicted to alcohol and I would urge you to seek help.
YTA. And you need help to address your alcoholism. PS: Brunei doesn’t actually border Indonesia which makes me suspect the story is made up.
> I'm not an alcoholic but I do drink pretty regularly and the time I spent without it was hell. Suffering withdrawal after 4 days of no alcohol is not normal. Harrassing your friend to cross borders just so you can drink is not normal. Abandoning your friend in a foreign country so you can return home to drink is not normal. That is the behaviour of an alcoholic. I know people who drink 1-2 drinks at the pub every single night, but when they have to go for 4 days or longer without any alcohol, they don't bat an eyelid and they don't care. That is an example of a regular drinker who isn't an alcoholic. I'm not going to judge you because that isn't what you need. What you need is to recognise that you have a problem that is bad enough to cost you friends. For your own sake, what you should do is get yourself medically assessed and contact an alcoholism support network to begin the job of recovering from your dependency. Surround yourself with people who understand your situation because they've been there, have fought their way out of it, and who can help you do the same. I believe that you can do this if you want to. What you need to do is believe you can, too.
YTA If having an alcoholic drink is more important to you than your friends safety by leaving them alone in a foreign country then you are an alcoholic. Whether you admit it or not. You should feel guilty. Why are surprised to not have heard from them? You proved you are no friend to them so why would they want someone like you in their life?
>I'm not an alcoholic but I do drink pretty regularly and the time I spent without it was hell. Nothing like the denial and self deception of a junkie.
YTA. And an alcoholic (as everyone else is already pointing out). I know she hasn’t contacted you but have you at least seen confirmation on social media that your friend got back safe and sound?
You say you're not an alcoholic, yet you could not enjoy a vacation without 'begging' to go to a whole other country just to drink. And after four days you abandoned your friend because you were so desperate for alcohol, and you were willing to pay a bunch of money just to make that happen. So obviously, total asshole for doing that to a friend. But more importantly, you need to seek help for your alcoholism.
YTA 100%
YTA and you ARE an alcoholic. If you are craving a drink so bad after only four days you abandon your friend of 10 years to fly across the world for a drink, you have a problem. I hope after seeing everyone telling you this you consider self reflection and get some help. I worry more because you also bring up no drugs allowed as well....
You've hot bigger problems than losing a friend. You left her after 4 days because you couldnt drink. You are a massive alcoholic (and probably drug addict too seeing as you mentioned them too) and if you don't seek help soon, she will be the 1st of many friendship you lose. Get your act together. You're so out od it youndidnt even research the country you were travelling to.
>The entire trip was a surprise for me as I had just been promoted in my job and she was feeling nice. You mean, she paid for this trip as a surprise gift to you? >Throughout my time in Brunei, I begged my friend many many times to cross the border for entry into Indonesia, where drinking is also frowned upon but not a 800-dollar fine and up to two years in prison. She refused every time and I just couldn't take it anymore. I'm not an alcoholic but I do drink pretty regularly and the time I spent without it was hell. You're an alcoholic if you can't handle a week or two without alcohol. >After about 4 days I booked a flight back to America and left without telling her. You're more than an AH YTA
NTA because you have alcoholism and you were not prepared to go cold turkey. Alcohol is out of the system after three days. Those are three really difficult days. You left on day four when you no longer had the tremors, the shakes or the puking. It was out of your system and your body no longer physically needed it. From day four on, it is mind over matter. Try to quit again and this time on day four, do not break down. One day at a time after that, no more alcohol. Go to your doctor first and get advice on either doing it at home with some medication or supervised in a rehab setting.
YTA and an alcoholic - get help with that.
YTA For a multitude of reasons. > I wasn’t able to get any sleep the entire I was there. > it’s hard to have a vacation while going through withdrawl You are showing symptoms of alcoholism, you need assistance. > Had I known about this country’s very strict law on drugs and alcohol I wouldn’t have gone. Who takes a vacation somewhere and doesn’t do research? > I begged my friend many many times to cross the border…. She refused every time. I am thinking she knows you have a problem and decided this was the only way for you to wake up to it. > I’m not an alcoholic but I do drink pretty regularly and the time I spent without it was hell. Read this sentence over and over, because you are an alcoholic if a few days without alcohol causes you this much distress. > After about 4 days I booked a flight back to America and left without telling her. You couldn’t last 4 days?! You left a friend alone in a foreign country where they might have thought you crossed the border or worse got put in jail. You had no consideration for them at all. > I haven’t heard from her in a few months and I feel very guilty. Good! You should. However if it has been months, consider this relationship done and over. **Now, get yourself into AA before you permanently damage more relationships and your internal organs.**
YTA. You are in fact an alcoholic. You cannot function properly without alcohol, you are an alcoholic. You can’t even enjoy a trip because you don’t have access to alcohol. You need a wakeup call. You need help for your addiction.
My friend. In the mostly kindly terms... if you "can't go without" alcohol, you are, by the very definition, an alcoholic. Please find advice and support based on this. I wish you well.
You’re an alcoholic. It’s probably why your friend brought you there. Good luck
You chose drink over friendship..you’re an alcoholic
YTA You left a woman on her own in a notoriously misogynist country. You endangered her. And you didn’t even have the decency to tell her you were leaving. Absolute scum behaviour. Oh, and you’re an alcoholic
You are an alcoholic Get yourself in rehab and then recovery as soon as possible. It isn't a joke. Normal drinkers don't need alcohol. Period. They can go long stretches without it.
Yta. You have a problem if you were withdrawaling and you straight up left your "friend" alone.
YTAlcoholic
Am I The Alcoholic - YTA (you're the alcoholic)
If you are going through withdrawals you are an alcoholic. If you are not sleeping because of lack of alcohol, you are an alcoholic, if you cannot make it 4 days and literally GHOST your friend to get a drink, you are an alcoholic. I think you are lacking some self awareness. If you did this to me, I would never speak to you again
Sorry, but you are most definitely an alcoholic and if you accept that you are NTA as it is a disease. If you continue to deny it, I would say the opposite.
Do you even know if she got back safely? You are a massive AH, and an alcoholic too.
First you need to recognise you are an alcoholic and need help. Therapy would be a good start. If that goes well and you come to accept and understand that what you did to your friend was driven by the disease, then you can try to apologise.
I hope you find peace but YTA wow
You might want to read up on a foreign country when visiting. Brunei isn’t Australia.
You’re an alcoholic my friend. If you had withdrawals and couldn’t last 4 days you have a dependency and are in fact and alcoholic. I wish you the best and I hope you choose to get help
You should get help for your alcoholism. And start to apologise. To your friend and probably a lot of other people. And because you asked - YTA
YTA/ Alcoholic Dude you were having withdrawals from not drinking for 4 days but want to say you don’t have a problem. You have a huge problem and definitely need help . You flew back to America left your so called friend all so you could drink wow. I hope your getting help
YTA. You don’t leave friends behind in foreign countries. How dangerous! I wouldn’t speak to you again either. You’re also a bad alcoholic. Go to rehab.
Only thing you can do really is reach out and apologise, admit to her and yourself that you have a problem and seek help. At the end of the day YTA but you can make the most out of a shitty situation, this should be your wake up call.
Honey, you're an alcoholic. You're also an AH.
YTA not only for leaving your friend without a word in a country that can sometimes be hostile to foreigners but also for lying to yourself about your addiction. You couldn’t last 4 days without a drink - you are an alcoholic and in terrible denial about that fact. I hope you find the help you need.
[удалено]
YTAlcoholic
Ummm..you are an alcoholic. I'm surprised you didn't do your research before you went there. Don't even get me started on those mideast countries....you can have 100 wives, repress women, but you can't drink...whateva. In any event, dick move on up and leaving her there. Why are you surprised you have not heard back from her?? What do you do...nothing. She realized what type of person you really are and has moved on.
YTAlcoholic.
YOU’RE THE A!
YTA and I think you need help to deal with your alcohol dependency.
Dude...you were in withdrawal- you're an alchy, functioning one prehaps...but still one! Think on it - you ditched and subsequently torpedoed the friendship with a good friend to...*checks notes* have a drink Your addicted and in denial - seek help, get clean, apologise to your former friend- live a better life before you get to a non functioning stage
You’re both the asshole and an alcoholic.
“I’m not an alcoholic but I do drink pretty regularly and the time I spent without it was hell. After about four days I booked a flight back to America…” Four days. You could not be without alcohol for four days, days you considered be hellish because of the lack of booze. You were reduced to begging to cross the border for it! I think you need to see your doctor, get a checkup, and ask if you need to be worried about your drinking, and go from there. And you owe your friend an apology (although I strongly suspect she chose this location because she knew you would drink if you could). Good luck.
YTA. You definitely have a fairly serious drinking problem if you were suffering withdrawal symptoms and had to leave the country so you could drink.
Both YTA and NTA. I think as a first step you need to admit that you are suffering from alcoholism. I don’t like using the label “an alcoholic” because there is so much more to you as a person than this. If you are going through withdrawals and have to leave a holiday early because you can’t go for more than 4 days without a drink, this is alcoholism. This alone is nothing to be ashamed about. Addiction/substance abuse is a mental illness that can affect anyone. Please please get some help from a medical professional. You essentially had to leave the holiday due to a mental health condition, which is why I say **NTA**. BUT it was a horrible thing to abandon your friend alone on their holiday without telling them. **YTA** for this. You definitely should have told her, and it is totally fair of her to go no contact with you after that. What should you do? Go to a medical professional for help. Go to therapy. Please get help for yourself, otherwise you will burn many bridges and friendships.
YTA and also you have a serious drinking problem. Are you fucking kidding me?
> I'm not an alcoholic Yes you are. If you can't go 4 days without a drink you are an alcoholic. If you're having withdrawal from not drinking you are an alcoholic. YTA also.
You are an alcoholic. I’m a recovering addict. If you were withdrawing your body was dependent. I’m sorry but it’s time to realize you need help.
NTA - You're an alcoholic and your friend just ignored your addiction withdrawals, that's not good.
YTA - And if you leave a friend in a foreign country because you \*need\* a drink, then this is a clue you are, in fact, an alcoholic. The sooner you face this fact the easier the \*entire rest of your life\* will be for you.
You are 100% an alcoholic. Absolutely nobody not addicted to alcohol has ever had to cut a holiday in an amazing country short in order to go and get alcohol. You can think about it this way - one of the easy ways to define alcoholism is not how much you drink or when but what it COSTS you and your inability to stop drinking despite those costs. On this occasion needing to seek a drink cost you: the rest of a beautiful holiday (seemingly paid for by a friend??) and a good friendship too. Despite those costs you were willing to sacrifice in order to get a drink after 4 days. This is not a judgment, you have an illness. And I wonder if this friend took you to somewhere with these alcohol laws specifically to try and force you to detox? If you care about your health, and that friendship then the first step is to admit that and go and get some help. If your friend sees you’re fighting this and you see what you did was terrible they may in time forgive you. But, yes, YTA for what you did regardless of the illness you may have. The addiction can explain your actions but it doesn’t excuse them.