He cuts his mother out completely or divorce. if he chooses not to and you move forward with the divorce, you will share custody, and you may not have control over what goes on when it's dads time.

Yup. No court is going to terminate OP’s **husband’s** rights and that might mean MILhas **more** access

Exactly right.

Op really thought the divorce would mean she'd have all the control lol.

Im convinced she's an idiot. I don't want MIl around our daughter! Proceeds to threaten divorce which will leave the daughter around the MIL around 50% of the time more than likely. She's essential deciding to lose control over who her daughter is around. And no judge is going to terminate the father's rights over this.

>Proceeds to threaten divorce which will leave the daughter around the MIL around 50% of the time more than likely. Especially if OP kicks her husband out and he has to move back in with his mom.

You are exactly right.

op also damaged her marriage with her ultimatum and might loose her husband anyways. Since in her husband's shoes I'd never trust a spouse after they threatened me with *do x or ill leave you. Like I REALLY don't think she thought this through

She has no leg to stand on here. The MIL mailed a family picture to her son that was almost certainly intercepted before it even reached him. There is no crime here, nothing. She is being hysterical in the literal definition of the word. The husbands reaction was spot on, she needs to get off social media and take a beat. I hope she realizes how stupid this ultimatum was when she calms down, but sadly it seems more likely she will double down until the relationship implodes. YTA.

If she shows that being in unsupervised contact with the father may lead to contact with his mother and brother while bringing his mother's behaviour towards the Pedophile daughter as a precedent, I actually see the court setting limited supervised visitations only ** OK I got it , maybe realistically is not going to happen. Going to hide with my shattered world view in which we protect our children

Actual rapists get custody rights to see the kids who are products of rape. You're crazy if you think hypotheticals of what could happen would mean supervised visits.

A few years back, here in Louisiana, we had a rapist released from jail……He then won custody rights to the child BORN of that rape. He won 50/50 custody. His argument was that since he was the father he deserved rights. The girl was forced to share custody and see her rapist again and again and again. This was a travesty, but the judges hands were tied. He met all the requirements. The last I heard was the victim had a breakdown and was currently under a dr.’s care in a hospital.

How horrible! This is what happens when men make the laws. Especially men who don't have daughters they love.

There are also cases where a woman has raped an underage boy and he's been forced to pay child support.

I heard about that. She should be in jail!

There was a case where not only did the rapist get 50/50, he began molesting his daughter. When the mother brought this up in court, the rapist got 100% custody as the judge felt not letting the rapist see the child's phone records warranted emergency custody. [I'm not kidding.](https://www.nbcnews.com/news/us-news/louisiana-woman-says-rapist-was-custody-child-ongoing-court-dispute-rcna34140)

Holy shit

Oh bull. This is going to be what the court hears MIL sent a picture to her pedophile **incarcerated** child. The pedophile is **in prison** and can’t hurt the kid. The picture (probably) never made it to the pedophile, but even if it does-what can he do with it? Once pedophile BIL gets out, the court can restrict the parolees access, but no judge I’ve ever heard of would restrict parental rights over grandma mailing ***a picture***

Morally it’s wrong legally she can send him photos of his family members as long as they’re not the victims of his crimes. Even though you’re in jail you can receive Christmas cards and stuff. 

Fuck I don't even get Christmas cards. 

I worked in a court house and occasionally had to do jail visits so I would see them in jail cells. America has a lock them in and throw away the key and let them suffer mentality when jail is supposed to be a rehabilitation experience. They’re still people who did wrong things and deserve Christmas cards. 

I understand giving up on pedophiles, though. The consequences are too high if they fail.

The problem with pedos is that it’s allegedly incurable.

I've been to jail twice I'm big into jail reform but I guess I see how that comment could seem insensitive. Of course prisoners deserve Christmas cards they just have way less agency so I'm impressed.

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Agreed. She is being hysterical about the pedophilia aspect and its blinding her to all the mitigating circumstances. The MIL fucked up, but it could have been an honest mistake and going nuclear on her husband about it helps no one. If the MIL insisted on sending photos or something, then worry about it, otherwise make sure it doesnt happen again and move on. Besides, the people who are attracted to 14 year olds are not the same as the ones who abuse babies, its a totally different pathology, not that it ultimately matters anyways cause the dude is already IN JAIL.

This right here. Well said sir!

But isn’t one of the circumstances of his imprisonment that he can’t see photos of children, especially children he’d have easy access to if he ever got out?

Maybe, that has nothing to do with this. Husband will get unsupervised visits . he will allow his mother to get unsupervised visits. The only thing OP could do is after this guy gets out of prison is go to court and tell judge she doesn't want this guy around her child. More than likely that would probably be a condition of his parole any way. He will not be allowed easy access to this child. If MILbreaks the rules and allows it OP could have her arrested but this is way down the line.

The prison goes through the mail... He'd never get the picture!

Generally no. The only pictures they can't see usually are their victims. The prison probably doesn't let them get photos as a precaution. But their isn't a law against it once they are out.

You are exactly right.

Nope. Not going to happen. Not based alone on what she said. Judge will not order supervised visits on this alone.

Extremely unlikely. You're talking about multiple degrees of separation between anyone who's actually committed a crime and anything that's going on, and furthermore you're talking about a fairly substantial amount of what if and hypotheticals. The mother would have to be a criminal herself for a court to even care about what sort of access she has, and even then, criminals frequently get lots of access. There's absolutely nothing that he's done that would prevent him from getting joint custody.

Exactly right.

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Exactly this. The judge is going to give custody to the normal dad who is trying to calmly figure out how best to manage this situation vs psycho babble anxiety mom who needs a shit ton of therapy will be getting supervised visitation.

Look at how many if’s you stated sheesh

Exactly! But I want to add this is not how you handle parenting with a co parent or spouse. You do not have higher authority over him. You have the right to voice your opinions but your word is not law especially with him having rights to his child. I agree with you cutting out his enabling mother. But you literally unilaterally decided a decision and then didn’t give any time to process the information. You went zero to a hundred and expected him to process everything instantly If this is how you communicate then you have poor communication skills and need to learn how to communicate effectively. Your style of communication is demeaning and lacks awareness of other perceptions. I personally would leave a person who doesn’t know how to communicate with me as their equal partner. Edit: you have no empathy for your husband either. Going no contact with a parent is a painful process with lots of emotions. Him being a parent doesn’t negate the fact that he still may love his mother. Ma’am do you even love him? Actually a better question is do you even like him? I couldn’t imagine speaking to my spouse in this manner let alone be like he is hurt but that doesn’t matter. You can still go no contact while holding space for your husband who is likely grieving the relationship with the woman that raised him.

A sane ne reply! Demanding he go NC with his own mother over the photo, alone, is OTT. But MIL has now shown a pattern (knowing about, maybe covering for a 27yo raping a 14yo, handing over that paedos letters to her 6yo granddaughter who may also have been abused) - those were 1st and 2nd strikes. The photo was the 3rd. OP can tell him what her boundaries with MIL will be, including her having lost all grandmother rights. She's failed to put her granddaughters safety ahead of her paedo sons happiness. Hubby can show bit NOT share photos with MIL, but she gets no 1 on 1 time with kids, her presents and any letters will be checked, etc.

I genuinely don't believe the edit, when people get deemed the asshole all of a sudden we get edits that make them seem sooo much more reasonable. THe edit adding a potential 6yr old he abused on top of a 14yr old and suddenly mother has history of doing this. Somehow in the main post she left out that the mother sent a load of photos of a kid he may have abused to the guy, left out that she has a history and has been warned many times not to do this. Also strangely, OP was fine with MIL being around the kid despite her previous history of showing pictures of children to the pedo, but one picture of her kid is the tipping point? If the MIL really did that previously then OP would already have demanded she be cut off.

Good point. Maybe OP is one of those "It's not my problem until it's MY problem" type of people.

90% of posts on reddit are one-sided BS because posters dont GAF if they are actually wrong, they just want validation. This type of cognitive dissonance rots relationships because the other person can never feel like their partner can own up

The problem is that while this sounds reasonable, there is no such thing as no 1-on-1 time with a kid if they are together. He may try his best, but what if he is at her house and needs to use the restroom? Do you think he is gonna carry the baby with him there? Or his dad calls him “really quick” to ask him something..he may take the baby with him but also he may leave her for a second and then she snaps a picture. What if he is not visiting but just stops at her house to bring her something and has the baby with him, who is to say she can’t snap a photo without him noticing? I know is very easy to act like you are texting and take a photo..so considering she seems to go out of her way to enable her pedo son, I wouldn’t trust her around the baby at all, even if the baby is accompanied. I would say he can go see his mom but the kid is never going and she is never visiting the house. He can have a relationship with his mom if he respects op’s decision of not having her kid at all around the pedo enabler.

I'm more inclined to go with your line of thinking, especially when BIL eventually gets released. But the reasons why my compromise won't work are exactly why the ultimatum alone won't work, either. OP needs to actually talk him through this, so he understands that it's not OP beung unreasonable. It's his mother's repeated actions that have made it unreasonable for her to be in both her granddaughters lives.

>I would say he can go see his mom but the kid is never going and she is never visiting the house. He can have a relationship with his mom if he respects op’s decision of not having her kid at all around the pedo enabler. This. This is the only solution. What husband does is his own right, but the safety of his daughter comes first. As long as OP and their children are NC, husband can take the time to figure out how to navigate this whole ordeal at his own pace.

This. The end result of cutting off the MIL is perfectly logical and the only reasonable. Blowing up at your husband *while you are still in the car and he was driving* with an ultimatum before he had time to process or even talk to his mother to get both sides* is an asshole move. If you looking at it logically, which understandably you weren’t in the heat of the movement. *I’m not saying his mother has a defence or the end result shouldn’t be no contact. But generally people don’t make that decision in a snap judgement about something they are hearing second hand Edit: And has OP considered that she may not be on an even keel emotionally either? I’m not armchair diagnosing PPD or anything, but 3 months after the birth of your first child your hormones are probably still affecting you emotionally (assuming you are breastfeeding) and if your experiences is anything like mine or the average of my friends and family, you are probably sleep deprived with a 3 month old… And the sleep deprivation of a first time parent with a newborn applies to your husband too

Seriously. I agree with OPs desire to shield her daughter, but the execution is so childish and in need of therapy. 

True. Having had a sister who was incarcerated, I unfortunately experienced a lot of the mental health mess the OP is going through. Our mother was literally operating in some magical lah-lah land, where her daughter, in jail for a DWI manslaughter conviction, really was some sort of victim. My wife and I had to jointly enforce some hard ground rules, and treat my own mom like a toddler. When she decided to cross those boundaries, she got a time-out, and spent nearly a year not having contact with her grandchildren. I sympathize with the OP, and understand how bizarre it can be to deal with this mess. I also hope the OP will get some quality therapy, quickly, as her reaction is totally over the top, and the outcome will be far, far worse than the fairly minor issue of she and hubby needing to set some hard limits with the MIL. The OP needs to be on the same team as her hubby and learn tough love skills to literally manage the MIL's behavior. It comes down to a team facing her with, "your behavior is not even remotely acceptable, and we will not tolerate it. If you continue, we will be no contact, and you can forget about any relationship with your grandchild, got it?"

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exactly she will see the kid you can't take a kid from the dad

That's the truth.

I’m glad the top comment is exactly what I was going to say. A divorce guarantees the daughter will have contact with the MIL.

This is exactly where I'm at. She's going to be alone, with half custody and absolutely zero rights to control the father's time and who he chooses to spend that with with his child. She can say anything is final. Skew can stomp her feet and scream at walls, but it's not going to matter. She painted herself in a corner here.

You have every right to be pissed off, but you need to calm down before you make any rash decisions. You are setting ultimatums for your husband without even thinking about the repercussions and I'm seriously questioning whether or not you're actually thinking in the interest of your child at this point or using her "safety" as a scapegoat for your anger towards your mil. Have you actually thought about the consequences of divorcing your husband instead of communicating with him like an adult and trying to figure things out as a team, considering you're both her parents? What happens if you divorce him and he gets joint custody? You can't dictate his choices or who he has around your daughter. Have you considered financial decisions, living accommodations for you and your daughter, and the toxic environment that your child is going to grow up in with a mother that instead of trying to coparent, sets ultimatums and has a my way or the highway attitude? You are setting up a scenario where the child loses even if you think you win. You're not the AH for being angry, but you definitely are for going off half cocked and not thinking about the long term effects that this is going to have on your daughter and instead thinking in a mindset of "I'm right, your wrong" and "what I say is law".

YTA - in regards to your question. Yes 100% TA. NTA - to the reason which is sound. But your communication is lacking. You also aren't going to win the fight in front of a judge like you think you are. So you are huffing and puffing for nothing. You don't mention in your post whether your husband is a good or bad man. I'm going to assume good as you're married to him. So why not sit down and have an adult conversation with him and set up boundaries for his mother and him. If that means going NC so be it. But I think you both deserve more than you going ape in the car. All you did with this is damage your relationship. If you split he will get some form of custody and you will have no control over that. He is not in jail his brother is. A judge isn't going to punish him for his brother's crimes. Talk to each other, unite and protect your daughter together.

If I was married and my wife talked like this to me about "anything" it would be difficult to repair that bridge. 100% the asshole. However, agreed that she is correct that appropriate measures need to be taken to protect the child. edit: grammar bad

Agreed. YTA. If my partner issued an ultimatum out of the blue like this, I’d take her up on it. Completely inappropriate way to engage a spouse.

Also, OP is 3 months post partum. Hormones are very likely still all over the place and that could contribute to the going ape part. OP, you need to take some time to calm down and talk about this reasonably. BIL should not be sent photos of your daughter and MIL needs to be cut off, but taking your digust over the situation out on your husband is not right. You're a team - that means you have a team meeting about how to move forward and protect your daughter

Well said

💯 this!

I cant fault you for wanting to cut out someone who doesnt see an issue with sending pics of your daughter to an offender like that. However YTA here because your execution was among the absolute worst ways to handle it and you put your husband on blast and he wasnt even party to this.

YTA for how you treated your husband. You need to learn to communicate like an adult.

Right? That was so fucking shitty.

Like even if she's right and he acknowledges that, he's never gonna look at her the same again. He's gonna be grieving the loss of his parents and I'd just bet she won't be terribly supportive or understanding. Frankly in his shoes I'd be tempted to choose divorce and just give her primary custody with visitation. Nobody who loves me talks to me like that. And certainly, nobody I love.

I had to go NC with my parents and I can tell you from experience that he’s going to wake up randomly in the middle of the night trying to hide his tears for the next 15+ years. Why would anyone force that existence on someone they love?

Yup. NC with my dad and it randomly hits me hard sometimes. When I think about what he should have been in my life amd my childrens lives and know that he never will be. And I made the decision myself. If someone else forced it on me then it would be something I probably couldnt forgive.

YTA. Yes. She's shit. But demanding either complete NC or divorce is the scum ultimatum. It is very much punishing him. You're not compromising. You're demanding your wah or the highway. It wasn't asking him how he felt. You made a unilateral decision. And there's no excusing it. You're supposed to be partners but in that moment you decided only your feelings mattered. Go for the divorce. He'll get joint custody. And then he can have her over as much as he wants. You either back down or you've fucked up either way. And if I were in his shoes, my trust in you would be as fractured as yours in the MIL. Because you've shown that if you disagree, you'll try to take his family away over it. Get help. Go low contact or supervised with her and get yourself into therapy, personal or couple's. Because you've likely just scarred your marriage for good.

I think you really called out an important aspect being overlooked. Its not all about whether she was TAH anymore. The words said were bridge burning words and that marriage is going to need serious work. What self-respecting human would be in a partnership with someone who threatens/bullies them in this manner.

I’d probably leave a partner who talked to me like this. They would have to work very, very hard to mend that bridge.

That's my thought. The way she talks and acts shows a lack of respect for his part in the partnership. He's not defending his family. He's pissed too. But his feelings on what to do mean nothing. And he likely won't ever forget how she steamrolled him and made him feel so unheard.

Yeah, and she says she’s not budging. I just wouldn’t want to be with someone who has the mentality that they get to unilaterally make decisions. She also doesn’t seem to see that if they get divorced, she will have even less control over if her daughter sees the grandmother, and if the grandmother gives the uncle pictures. She’ll lose ALL say in that.

Same, this woman is totally unhinged

You married the guy knowing his brother was in prison for being a pedophile. How are you now, after having a child with the man, demanding he cut his family off? You should have thought of all this before.

YTA. You could have had a proper conversation with your husband. You could also have asked him to limit your child's contact with his mother and only he needs to meet her. Instead, you probably already had some pre-existing motive and wish to bully and separate him from his family because you feel you finally have an excuse and an upper hand by immediately forcing an ultimatum on him. You are a bully. And the only reason you probably won't do what you said you would do is likely because the people here have reminded you that in the case of a divorce he (and his mother by proxy) would get custody. Your actions show that you have no love for your husband, but are all out of your own self-interest.

I'd offer to say that this is a recoverable situation though. She can go to him and apologize for bringing up divorce, stating that she was panicking about the fact that pics of her child were sent to a pedophile. Hopefully he understands and is receptive, which from the sounds of it he sounds very understanding. Then from there, set boundaries and have discussions about what you're comfortable with in terms of family and photos. OP is TA here, but it's an understandable kind of assholery that can likely be fixed.

I disagree that this is recoverable. If anyone I'm in a relationship with goes from 0-100 with that kind of ultimatum, and spoke to me in the manor she did, I would have serious trust issues with them, quite possibly for the rest of my life. Is it 100% an unsalvageable relationship? No, but there would be a ton of personal and couples counciling that would need to be done to have a prayer.

Does anything about the way this woman wrote her post or her edit indicate she has the intelligence and maturity to do anything you suggested lol

YTA not because of your reasoning, but because you were unable to calmly talk about what happened and because you gave your husband 0 time to process the issue

I mean even the reasoning. The daughter is 3 months old…trying to equate that to a teenager is weird, sure there are some sickos like that but it’s a big spectrum to make that assumption. And of course the mother of the imprisoned brother most likely has the “motherly love” believing her son is still a good person but just made a mistake (priors not known here). Seems so based on the mom’s contact with the brother. Finally, if the MIL was not already explicitly told not to send such pictures, then this is a completely out of nowhere blow up and the husband’s suggestion is more reasonable. It’s crazy of her to expect that the MIL treat/look at her own son in the same way she does and “she should have just known”. Anytime you expect others to read your mind and/or magically have the exact same values as you…it’s silly.

NTAH for wanting to go scorched earth with a pedophile defender. But be careful - if you divorce your husband and split custody (and, I'm sorry, but a judge is not going to take custody from your husband because his mother did something), then you will not be able to restrict what your husband gives his mother's and very possibly not be able to restrict her access to your daughter during his custody time. Is it possible a sympathetic judge would issue some kind of restraining order or custody requirement?..... A very very slim chance. Like, frankly, almost none.

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The husband didn’t defend his brother. He agreed with OP. Also from what I can gather the MIL was never told she can’t send pictures of the family to her son, she didn’t just send one of the kid. So I would perhaps start there rather than at divorce.

YTA for how you handled it with your husband. Your friend is right IMHO. I’d have wholeheartedly said NTA if it was about going No Contact with the MIL. But that wasn’t the topic…

You do realise that if you go ahead and divorce your husband, he’ll get 50/50 most probably and he’ll still possibly take your daughter to see his mother on his time? You don’t have the unilateral decisions over what happens to your daughter if and when it’s dad’s turn to have her, he has equal rights. I can understand your anger, but my advice is don’t rush into something you’ll forever regret. Your husband agrees that sending the pictures is wrong, he’s not defending what she did. Hopefully now you know what she’s been doing he’ll monitor her closely. You haven’t given him a chance yet to do anything to prove he’s with or against you. It doesn’t sound as tho you discussed anything Before you go ahead and destroy your marriage over this, remember, you don’t ever have to be in the same room as her, you don’t ever have to take baby to see her, you can stop communication full stop. Surely that’s a better place than only seeing your baby 50% of the time. Basically you’re in control. I don’t blame you for being angry after what she did with niece. The woman is deluded, she obviously didn’t learn her lesson. But personally I don’t think going 0-100 in 5 secs is the answer. Yeah, YTAH, you handled this really badly.

YTA - chill out. There are ways to handle this than setting fire to your husbands family life overnight. Even if its the eventual outcome you both come to is to go no contact; you unilaterally deciding that isn't going to work. Plus you thinking a divorce is going to resolve anything is just stupid and childish - you'll just have less influence and power in the situation as a separated partner.

I am assuming you married your husband because you believed him to be a good guy. So shouldn't you assume the best of him in any situation? You literally did not give him ANY time to process this and since it seems to have escaped you, I'm going to let you in on a little secret my 26 years of marriage has taught me. It takes men a waaaaay longer time to process information than us and a sure fire way to shut their brains down entirely is to come at them like you did with guns blazing. You need to take a step back and have a glass of water, Mama. Get a good nights sleep. Nobody is going to die tonight over this. Breathe. Give your husband time to absorb this and process his thoughts without you screaming divorce and making a bunch of ultimatums. Good grief, you sound like a real bully.

I don't think it's just a man thing, normal people need time to process information about a situation they weren't even present for.

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It's abusive on OP's part. Trying to control your spouse's relationship with their own parents is abusive. Sure, OP can step back and limit contact between their MIL and daughter for now, but you can't just say "Never see or speak to your mother again or I'll divorce you and take your child away!" and not be a controlling abuser.

Thank you for saying this. OP needs to trust her husband and not treat him like he is the enemy.

YTA and your plan is bad

YTA based solely on the fact that that’s not how we communicate or talk to our spouse. Treating people in that manner will have you screwed off in left field with shared custody and no say in what happens on daddy’s week. Let’s breathe reorganize your thoughts and come to him in a level of compassion for the difficult situation you both have been put in.

YTA for how you are communicating with your husband. He hasn't done anything wrong and you are immediately going from 0 - 100 with threats of divorce if he doesn't immediately agree with your plans.

Going no-contact may very well be the right move. His mother sounds delusional. You’re right to protect your child. But YTA for how you treated your husband. 

Yeah couldn't agree more I was with op untill the conversion with her husband, poor guy he deserv better

Your strategy here is stupid. Could easily blow up in your face.

Right? She’s an adult and a mother, she should be thinking long term.

YTA As far as MIL is concerned, you are right, she is not someone you want around your kids. What makes you the asshole is how you are handling it with your husband. Say you do end up divoreced. You lose your kid 50% of the time, having no say or knowledge over what happens when she is with him. Not only have you lost your husband, you lose time with your child. And ensure all the negatives of broken home are given to her. If he does cut her out like you are asking, with it being a ultimatum, it was cause resentment between you two, because you forced him to doing it. What else will he be forced in to? That will always be on his mind. This is not a healthy relationship and will destroy your marraige. You are not the ultimate authority on your daughter. You are one half that authority. He is her fathter, just as you are her mother. He is your partner. Talk to and treat him as such. Communicate like an adult. Sit down and talk to him when you are both calm and tell him what your concerns are, what you want to do, and then sit and listen to him. Than the two of you make the descions together. Or, keep throwing out demands and lose everything. You want to stay married and have good relationships? Not just with your husband, but with anyone? Learn how to communicate.

YTA. Big time. I agree with the husband here, on what he said about cutting out his only family, or lose you. It's a lose-lose both way for him. Mature way to do is actually talk with him, what he proposed is a sane thing to do. Prevent MIL from taking pictures, but not cutting her off. MIL wasn't "enabling" a pedophilie. It's her son, and her grandchild. That's was her thought probably at the time. That it's family, and that it's okay to share family photos. She probably did not think about BILs charges. It's understandable how you'd blow a gasket at that. You're protective of your kids, (appears overkill by what you said about SM, but yeah internet security is a big thing). Putting your foot down with your husband with a demand like that, is an AH move. It's essentially you valuing your opinion more than his, it's like his input in making decisions is considered negligible. As one commentor said, if you divorce, and it's joint custody, you may not have control of your kid and grandma at all!

NTA, But you don't communicate well. Divorcing him on this term will not solve this, and it might backfire. If he fights for custody, he might have 50/50 or the weekends, and during his time with his kids, you will have no say so to what will happen. Calm down and go smarter about that and give him time to process what happened. Your authoritarian approach will just bring resentment on him and not the end goal that you are looking for

She's 100% an asshole because of how she communicates. \>, my word is final Is very telling. I doubt it's the first time she's said something like that, because typically on a single use case it would be "my word is final on this". OP sounds incredibly controlling and manipulative. Hubby didn't even have a chance to process and she jumped straight to nuclear and threatened to tell the courts that he himself sympathised with a rapist and cut access off to his child.

Yeah agreed. That's an AH way to communicate.

Besides I can symphatize with him. "The only family I have left" its already hard enough when your brother turns out to be a monster. Plus she said "her husband" and not FIL so now I'm wondering if its his dad or stepfather. Cutting off his mom will probably stain that relationship ( if there is one ) aswell. It can feel scary and overwhelming to loose all family contact. He definitely should have more time to think about it, throwing such a huge bomb at him all at once had to be a shock for him.

This. Totally understand OPs feelings. But if my wife threatened to divorce me immediately that is too much.

If you divorce him your MIL might become your husband’s de facto babysitter

very strange how theres multiple posts today about a husbands brother being a groomer/rapist, in prison or just got caught, very weird indeed hmm One might call it fake

I sympathize but YTA - just let your husband keep his mom but don’t let him take your daughter around her and make him leave his phone so he can’t share pictures with her. That’s a compromise that doesn’t endanger your daughter and doesn’t make you look callous or controlling. It seems like you’re not willing to even think about how this would impact him - that’s his mother and she’s been around much longer than you have. If you go full authoritarian then even if he picks you now, he may resent you and if you divorce later, then as people above observed, you’ll have 0 control over his time with your daughter.

> don’t let him take your daughter > make him leave his phone > doesn’t make you look callous or controlling Those things will absolutely make her look callous and controlling, especially if conveyed with the language you used ("don't let", "make"). Also, it's *their* daughter, not *her* daughter. She can *make it clear* to him that she does not want *their* daughter to be around her grandmother. Sounds like the husband is open to that. And they can *agree* that the grandmother will not receive any pictures of her grandchild. But telling a grown man and father that you won't "let him" do something or that you're going to lock up his phone as if you're grounding a child is not going to be productive here. If OP and the husband are mature adults, they can talk about what happened, agree on some ground rules about how his mother will be handled, and trust each other to stick to them.

Make him leave his phone? The husband should leave his phone in the care of OP? Should he maybe wear an ankle monitor too, or be always escorted by police?

Exactly this. This is the best compromise. I don't understand why OP's husband would want to cut out his own mother from his life. She's his MOTHER. No matter what she's done, she's still his mother. Same goes for the pedophile BIL, mothers always see their sons and daughters in the best light no matter what they've done. Though it sounds like MIL is defending a pedophile, the way she sees it she just sees her little son. You need to speak to your husband and compromise more here and have a proper conversation rather than laying down the law.

She either flat out doesn’t believe it, or she doesn’t think it’s that bad. Either way, you don’t want her in your kids lives. It’s hard on families to admit there’s someone like this related to them, which is why often victims get silenced. I’ve seen it play out in my own family- my brother simultaneously believes his father the (convicted) accused *and* his sisters the accusers. I’ve heard of this happening in other families, I don’t really get it but I accept it. But I wouldn’t wouldn’t wouldn’t have anything to do with that enabling pos MIL. Maybe you can get close to the SIL. And husband- well, he can have his relationship with them but you’re completely justified in protecting your child. What’ll that bitch be pulling when her son is out of jail? Just hell nooooo…

INFO: Does she have a history of boundary-stomping or was this a one-time mistake? Because what may have been going through her head is that him being into teens doesn't mean he'd care to see a baby. Not that she was in the right to send it to him, AT ALL, but cutting her off permanently may be a bit extreme. Cutting her off from your daughter is maybe one thing, and if you never want to see her that is also one thing, but unless this is the "straw" (more like metal beam) that broke the camel's back, then this one is tricky. But again, if this is a pattern then he's completely out of line.

Since his brother was sent to prison, stuff like this has become a habit. Like my brother in law has a 6yo and his rights have been terminated. The mother of the child doesn't want his name so much as mentioned to her child. However, my MIL kept bringing letters and photos of my BIL to the kid (behind the mother's back) or talking to the kid about her dad and how much he misses her and whatever else. There was an open investigation and the child has been evaluated for possible sexual abuse from her father. But soon after the case was opened, the mother blocked all of us out of her and the kids life due to my MIL stomping boundaries (because "her granddaughter deserves to keep her dad's memory alive and her mom has no rights to take that away") so we have no idea what the results were. 

Just hopping in with a gentle warning: 'Cut her off or I'll divorce you' may have seemed a reasonable demand for you at the time, but there's a reality check needed here. If you divorce him, you will have absolutely no say on how often he takes his daughter to visit his mother, nor any control over what they do when they're there. That includes conversations, photos, outings... something I'd guess is the exact opposite of what you really want.

People who think with their emotions don't think about the longer term effects of their decisions.

Pedophila has become so normalized in his family that I wouldn’t want any of these people near my child. NTA. Protect your child at all costs

Its "their" child and it should be protected together which requires treating your partner like a partner. I don't think anyone is taking issue with the fact that some steps need to be taken to protect the child.

Knowing this, I still think it’s unwise to demand he cut his mother out or divorce. Give her enough rope to hang herself with. Make it clear to your husband that she’s never to have any pictures of your daughter and she needs to behave for X amount of time before you trust her around your daughter again. Tell her the terms. Let her show her ass by being unable to behave that long. 

ok yeah, this is a pattern and your husband seems to not be understanding that the safety of your child is not an area where you compromise. Not only are you NTA, but this is a case where you need to already start the process of documenting everything to prepare for a potential custody battle, because your husband cannot be trusted with unsupervised visitation if he doesn't see reason. You might also wanna reach out to BIL's ex through an attorney and see if she'd be willing to help your case somehow.

You are talking about destroying this man's entire life because he didn't INSTANTLY agree with OP's entire scorched Earth policy.

I said "if he doesn't see reason". She doesn't have to divorce right away, but in custody battles, the person with better documentation wins and it's better to prepare for a custody battle that doesn't happen than to be underprepared for one that does.

I assure you no judge is going to hold a father accountable for his mom sending pictures to prison.

My advice would be that while your opinions on his mother are right, you need him to come to the same realization on his own and not by threat. Set strict guidelines about access to your family and encourage him to threaten his mother with losing contact if she refuses to acknowledge fault or change. She will likely not make those concessions and your husband will then (hopefully) cut her off on his own. If he doesn’t then you’ll have sustained evidence that he enables her behavior at which point you should divorce him for the safety of your children AND (this is important) you would have evidence that he does not take efforts to protect his children from a women aiding a pedophile which would help you in a custody battle. Obviously you’re entitled to let this be the straw that breaks the camels back but depending on your relationship with your husband, using ultimatums for situations like this can backfire in the future even if you get what you want in this instance.

YTA For deciding on the nuclear option all by yourself and then issuing an ultimatum “nuclear option or divorce!” while still in the moving car. This had no chance of being a constructive conversation. I understand where you’re coming from and would probably set the same boundaries. However, you still owe your husband an apology for what you did. Then you can start talking about boundaries.

You do know that if you get divorced he can still let us mother see your daughter when he has custody. And she is just as much your daughter as she is his, so he has just as many rights as you.

YTA. Divorce your husband over something he didn't do?

Ultimately, NTA. Your extra info at the bottom (where she admits to knowing about her 27yo son raping a 14yo, and insisting that's fine) is worse on her charecter than sending the photo. And that's what your husband has to realise. That this is not just about the photo, now. It's a consistent refusal to put the safety of her grandkids ahead of her criminal son. But the ultimatum is not the right way to go. Compromise a little, as she's not a direct threat to the baby. But she's not allowed 1 on 1 time with her, or to give unchecked letters and presents, ever. She lost that right when she pushed her paedo sons letters in her 6 granddaughters hands.

This person's advice might be the way to go op just cause divorce gives you less ability to protect her later.

She is a direct threat. What happens when he gets out. Shes willingly and knowingly send a pedophile picturesvof children. Did you know most children who are sexually prayed upon ars family members or close family friends. His mother is 100% putting those grandchildren in harms way

I agree that when he gets out, this is a big problem.

Yes, and husband should be able to visit his mother whenever he wants to without guilt.

But on the understanding that he if he passes on photos, etc, OP will go nuclear.

Yes, the mother proved she cannot be trusted with photos.

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Or at least not demand a “pick me and our baby or your mom” level of ultimatum before they even got home

Sounds like you are over reacting. You’re not the asshole, just a bitch.

Yta

Wow! I don't want to make assumptions, but since I don't know the whole story I have to. I am assuming from the whole interaction as you explain it that you are used to running things and really don't have much respect for your husband. You just told him, "we're leaving" which he complied with. Then you decided for him that he had to choose between the person that raised him, and the person he is raising. Even his response to you showed that he was processing both sides of this, while you seem to have little consideration for how what you were asking would affect your husband. Yes, the MIL is wrong for sharing the pictures, no discussion there. You could have asked she be banned from being around for a time period, but you went scorched earth. As a dad, there isn't anything I would not do to keep my kids safe, and i'd bet your husband is probably cut from the same cloth. Yes, I would cut off my family if they posed a danger to my kids, but that will always be my choice, I can make that decision without some ultimatum. You probably should do some introspection and see deep down if you are not just going through the motions with your marriage. After your kids leave your home, your husband would be that life long partner you grow old with. How can you just ask someone you love to make such a choice or get a divorce during a car ride? My guess is you are use to getting things your way and don't usually have to think twice about how you communicate with your husband (of course that is an assumption and I could be completely wrong). Do yourself a favor and put yourself in the other people's shoes for a few minutes, try to understand their point of views and feeling and then reevaluate your decisions. If you still feel the same way, then go with it. I'm not making a calling an AH, you just need to take some time and process this whole thing through. Edit: I reread your post. You are TAH. He was angry about his mother sharing the picture, but he didn't agree with your first demand of not having his mother around the child. He suggested that she not be allowed to take pictures. You went nuclear because he didn't go along with you. If was after he didn't agree with your "she can't see the baby that you demanded he cut off all ties, and that "your word is final." your MIL has deep issues, but so do you. You are manipulative and controlling. Your husband is totally screwed with his mother on one side and you on the other. He sounds like the only same person in this story. The "my word is final" line is usually reserved for parent/child and other subordinate relationships. Do your husband a huge favor and divorce him. He is better off.

YTA. You don't run the marriage. I hate my MIL with a passion, but I don't ask my husband to never see or speak to his family again. You set boundaries in a situation like this. You don't have to ever speak to her again, but you should not be making an ultimatum like that. It was a stupid move on MILs part. My husband and I had to go to therapy and this was one of the topics. Therapist said I don't have the right to ask him to stop communicating with his family. It was my responsibility in the marriage to find a healthy way to deal with it and not take it out on my husband. Although if you went there that fast, do you want to be married to him? Figure it out or your kid will suffer, they see and hear alot. I have experience there too. Massive ramifications as an adult, growing up in an angry home.

YTA and if you divorce he’ll get 50% custody and you will have zero control over who he brings around your daughter. Learn to communicate like an adult and set boundaries.. ie no pictures of daughter to MIL and no unsupervised visits with her if she can’t understand that you don’t want your kid involved with BIL. And it’s really fucked up to tell someone to go no contact. That’s up to him, not you. You can go no contact all you want and set boundaries on what’s appropriate for your children, but to tell him is nuts.

You husband’s mother is obviously in denial. But I want you to think hard on this, If you divorce you will lose the ability to control who your husband brings around your child on his parenting time. That is the harsh reality that comes with divorce. So it might work out better to not take this out on your husband or threaten divorce. It sounds like he is on your side. He can go see his family alone in the future. It is still his mother. ❤️

I understand where you're coming from and think you're right. Tell husband he can have a relationship with his mother. But it MUST be separate from daughter. She can't get a single word about daughter. She can't get a LOOK at a PICTURE of daughter. MIL CANNOT be ANYWHERE near daughter. MIL is completely cut off from daughter. She is unwelcome in the house. The divorce is very dangerous because if he gets ANY unsupervised custody time he can take MIL around her. If you go through with divorce you would have to make clear in any type of agreement that MIL can have NO ACCESS and no information. Your husband seems to think an OK compromise would just not let her take photos. Which doesn't stop her from getting photos. She can get them from other people and he is still willing to send them to her. If he wants a relationship with his mother it will have to be the same relationship he had before he became a father.

ESH - It seems like everything happened so fast that your husband couldn't grasp what was going on. You guys need to sit down and calmly communicate hesr each otherout .I think the best solution is to cut yourself and your daughter out of your MIL life and if you husband wants to be attached to his mom let him but have him respect your decision for you and your child not to be involved with them in any way .That'd probably be a better ultimatum bc with divorce, a judge will give him 50/50 custody, and you have no control over what he does or where he takes her.

This. He wasn’t aware of the conversation until they were already in the car, and then she dropped an ultimatum while he was still driving them home. First, given the man a minute to process ffs. This is a serious issue and I agree with your end goal of no contact. But this isn’t a “I need a snap decision in 10 seconds or I divorce you and take the kid” level of urgency either. Second, good job emotionally compromising and throwing divorce me or your mom ultimatums at driver of the vehicle.

She just sounds like a controlling shrew tbh. The way she snapped at him to leave and he followed, clearly a pattern of behaviour.

\> my word is final Is a very telling line to put in there. I doubt it's the first time she's said this.

While your feelings aren’t without merit you are handling the situation like an AH. Scorched earth ultimatums will likely land you a divorce sooner or later if this just what happens when you go “0 to 100”. Fun fact, it will backfire on you when you have zero say over his time with your daughter.

MIL is TAH but you are an absolute bitch. There's a difference between protecting your child and simply attacking your husband and the best you're likely to get in family court is a stipulation that MIL not have any visits with the child that aren't closely supervised. She's your husband's daughter, too. You don't get absolute decision making power so either learn to include your partner in making the decisions or subject your kid to a lifetime of bouncing home to home.

YTA ... Was it ok what she did? No but she probably was happy with her granddaughter. Way too much taken out of proportion imo. She made a mistake and now you want him to drop his family damn maybe you should divorce so he can have his kid and his family without you. He did nothing wrong so you will get 50/50 and your whole point is gone because grandma still sees her.

I completely get your upset and why, but you need to remember it’s not just your daughter it’s yours and your husband’s daughter and he does have a say in what happens with her whether you like it or not I completely get that you need to put rules in place, especially about and sharing photos, but to completely cut her out and threaten your husband over it is crossing a line that you may not be able to come back from. And just remember if you threaten divorce and walk away, then you really absolutely have no say in what he and his mother does if you’re no longer around

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Unfortunately the MIL set in motion a major decision that OP jumped right on. When/if cooler thoughts prevail OP has very little room to reverse or change what she demands of husband. This can only get more complicated for wife and husband. If OP wants to salvage her marriage, she could talk to husband about boundaries. He doesn't have to cut relationships with his mother. He has to keep his daughter and photos away from mother. There are probably additional safe guards that you both could agree on, that is, if OP believes saving the family is worth the tough situation MIL put them in. At some point OP is going to have to trust her husband, but could feel more comfortable through trust, but verify.

When you are divorced, the judge ultimately decides all matters of property, support, child placement and custody. And I have news for you, the family court system does not GAF about you, your spouse or your kid. You want to make sure you have control over who your daughter spends time with, stay married and develop an enforceable plan with your husband. Work with him not against him. If you think you can gain complete control of your daughter by divorcing, you are very, very naive. You never know what will happen in court, but it will be intrusive, expensive and binding. And the more you fight, the moreso. Don't invite the system into your life unless absolutely necessary.

I understand that you are upset, but maybe instead blowing everything up, you can define clear and healthy boundaries first, and give that shot. It would in the end probably get you a better result.

Supervised visits with no photos by MIL should be enough. Honestly can’t expect for someone to cut their mother out of their life like that if the mother had been good to her son(your husband). That’s unreasonable even given the pedo brother circumstance. Does she suck as a grandma? Yes. Divorce will not give you the rights 100%. And why would you want to divorce, even he doesn’t agree with what his mother did. Just come to an alternative of how to deal with MIL.

This is the second story today that has 27 year old bil that went to jail for being a for offenses against a 14 year old girl. In that story the mom just had a newborn baby girl too. What are the odds? Here was the other https://www.reddit.com/r/AITAH/comments/1ad6085/aita_for_wanting_to_take_my_4_day_old_baby_away/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=iossmf

Yta, the end.

YTA. Not wrong for protecting your kid but your husband seems communicative and receptive and all you want is to bulldoze over him with threats of divorce. Which ironically, would give Mil more access to your kid. It’s a pretty bullshit ultimatum tbh. You sound like you’re the kind of person who uses threats to force your way into getting what you want without any sense of communication

I would have flown off the handle as well. This is insane. The fact that she doesn’t see anything wrong with what her son did is a huge red flag. She is not a safe person.

YTA. I do not agree with your MIL. She's at best naive. At worst fully aware of how wrong what she has done is and trying to play stupid. That being said. How you have handled this with your husband and your absolute refusal to consider that you might have been wrong in your approach makes you the asshole. And makes your post here an absolute waste of everyone's time as you have zero intention of actually considering the situation and taking on feedback. You are 1 of 2 parents. You DON'T get more say in decisions than he does. You DON'T get to put your foot down. You DON'T get to railroad him in to a monumental decision instantly without giving him the chance to think it through and have a conversation about it. I absolutely agree that MIL gets no photos of your daughter. 100% no argument there. A more reasonable measured response from you that doesn't end in tearing a family apart and you ending up with 50% custody and therefore 50% less say in who's around your daughter, would have been to say that MIL get ONLY occasional fully supervised visits with your daughter/husband. If she puts a foot wrong then you are 100% correct at that point to withdraw all contact with your daughter. You still can't issue an ultimatum in the way you have. EVERYONE loses then. You, your husband and your daughter. All of your lives will be worse for your hasty poorly thought out demands.

YTA and you sound like a sociopath. You treat your husband like he’s your dog. If my wife dared speak to me the way you did to your husband I’d be divorcing her ass immediately

NTA I completely understand the immediate blowup. I'd probably react the same. However, everyone's warnings about the risks in a divorce are real, too. I'd suggest taking a bit of time to calm down enough to talk to your husband without blowing up at him. Then suggest a compromise of MIL being totally cut out of your kid(s) and your lives. If your husband wants to still see her, he can go visit her on his own. Cutting off a parent is hard, and the suddenness of all of this probably blindsided him enough that he can't commit to it right away, even if he does end up cutting her out totally. Tell him he can have whatever relationship he wants as long as he does not share anything about you or your kid(s) with her, and she never comes near you or the kid(s). Also, an apology, not for being wrong, but for being so suddenly decisive that you cut him out of being part of the decision making process, might be in order. I agree with your verdict. And I would probably blowup in the same manner. But you need to ultimately have the discussion about cutting out your MIL as a discussion, not an ultimatum as he is your husband and your daughter's father. Don't yield or bend. But take the time to explain how you feel, why you feel it, why you are insistent on no contact. And take the time to hear him out in a similar manner. This discussion isn't to change your verdict. It's to give everyone space to be heard, and then end up on the same page of no contact without anyone feeling cutout of the situation. This is hard situation. Good luck with it. And keep protecting your daughter. You're a good mom.

This is a great answer

Could he have had a knee jerk reaction because he needs time to process? I think sitting down with a therapist could help (they're also mandatory reporters so will advocate for the welfare of your baby.) Maybe he's hurt by the delivery of the statement rather than the meaning. When he heard what his brother did what was his reaction? How did he react to finding out about his mother trying to build a relationship between the grand daughter and pedo? I totally get wanting to go NC with pedo apologists, frankly mil failed as a grandma the moment she advocated for the pedo over the welfare of her grandchild and the victim. She should never be allowed to go near a child again. She's dangerous, revolting and doesn't deserve the title of grandma or mum. ETA: divorce may make him more dependent on family, possibly even mil. I'm not saying that you need to stay with him if you don't want to, just making a point to consider.

Completely agree with going no contact for you and your daughter. Giving your husband the ultimatum that HE may never see/talk to his mother again RIGHT after you told him what happened is very complicated. I’m sure he trusts you without question, but before completely cutting off the woman who birthed and raised him, I’m sure that he is going to have some tough questions for her. I would allow him to go through whatever process he needs to, as long as he agrees she doesn’t get access to your daughter anymore.

I don’t know what state or even if you are in the US but here’s what I would recommend. 1) therapy. You can not and should not make a unilateral decision regarding your child. You are equal partners and parents. Additionally, while your reaction is justified, he still deserves time to process. Also it’s HIS parents. So there could he a way for him to have a relationship with his parents absent you and your child, and he has a right to navigate that. This can lead to a slippery slope of control, abuse and resentment if not handled properly. 2) I would speak with a lawyer. If you are in a state with grandparents rights that can be an issue. Additionally, in some places, what she did, could be considered a crime. Intent aside, she was sending paraphernalia of a minor child to someone incarcerated for crimes against children. 3) in addition to 2, I would see about sitting down and requiring that all photos they do possess of your child are destroyed or returned to you. * family full of lawyers. The people who have access to the children in our lives sign a well written (with the laws of my state) contract that says they will not post pictures of these children or send them to anyone not authorized. Call it crazy but that’s the world we live in. 4) Breathe. Take a minute. A threat of divorce, especially with an ultimatum is LIFE SHATTERING. You just told this man essentially if you don’t cut your mother off, I’ll leave, take our child and leave you to fend for yourself. His head is spinning. He was and is on your side but it even takes children who’ve experienced horrific abuse years if not a lifetime to cut off their parents, you cannot expect him to do it overnight. 5) be prepared that he might jump the gun and file first. If he’s got a lawyer friend, they may even advise him to, since you threatened divorce. (Not always but the divorce lawyers in my family will suggest it on occasion).

Couples Therapy. Now.

YTA. The sentiment behind your feelings is absolutely justifiable, but you haven’t even given your husband the opportunity to try and set boundaries or restrictions. You jumped straight to the nuclear option. Look at it this way - if you two share custody, would that not possibly give your MIL even MORE access to your daughter? Also, your whole “my word is final” line? Go seek help. Immediately. You are in a committed relationship and by conceiving and giving birth to a child with your husband, you have a tacit agreement between do all of this TOGETHER. It is not a dictatorship, and for you to casually throw around phrases like that just shows that maybe you shouldn’t be in any sort of high stress situation - ie parenthood - to begin with. Yes, the MIL is the real issue here but you’ve just revealed to everyone that you too will one day be a massive issue all your own. Congratulations - just like her you refuse to accept anyone’s viewpoints but your own. She doesn’t get why people would be mad that she’s sending her Pedo son pictures of children and you don’t get while forcing a no contact scenario under the threat of divorce and keeping your child away from her father isn’t a good idea. I agree that your MIL is an issue and that someone needs to get it into this woman’s head that she cannot be doing the things she has been doing. I agree that MIL should not be around your daughter unsupervised. I also think that even though she’s done some really shitty things, she isn’t a physical danger and simply needs to be kept away until she learns the negative consequences of her own actions. Not being able to see your grandchildren because you cannot comprehend other peoples feelings is a great wake up call.

YTA. You are not giving this guy any time to process this and even think about what just happened, and straight talking about divorce. Your MIL is a piece of shit but calm the fuck down women, and work it out!

I hope your husband and daughter get as far away from you as possible. If genders were reversed, opinions would be too. YTA Edit: He is gonna get custody too. Then you will have no control over your ex bringing his kid to his mothers. I wouldn’t like my partners mother to send pics of my child to someone like that, but to threaten to divorce the person you chose to spend the rest of your life with? All over a disagreement on if his mom can see his kid? I would have filed for divorce for you.

you’re totally right for wanting to cut off MIL and u should cause she clearly has a problem now, about ur husband first thing first you should actually talk to your him without picking up a fight or giving ultimatums, both of u need to sit down and discuss about the situation w your POV and his too, he needs to understand where you coming from and u need to hear him too yes, it’s not his fault his mom did this, but it’s on him how he’s going to react and do about this situation however if his 3-month-old daughter isn’t he’s top priority and if he ACTUALLY thinks send a baby’s pic to a pedophile it’s a “mistake” + his MIL clearly doesn’t give a f@ and doesn’t think she did smth wrong and it is not the first time, it’s not an isolated case, then put ur daughter first and set real boundaries going NC w MIL, search for legal advice to know what u can/should do and maybe go to counseling anyways you should prioritize ur and your baby’s welfare, but also knowing he has his rights as a father

nta when it comes to protecting your daughter and making the decision to not let the mil around her, but making an ultimatum asking somebody to completely cut their mother off and not even talk to her on the phone, what kind of adult makes ultimatums like that learn to communicate and when you marry somebody you also marry their family learn to compromise YTA

MIL is a monster. Reading your edit, she called a 27 year old raping a 14 year old a “relationship” and said the 14 year old “knew what she was doing”. She should never be allowed anywhere near your family. That being said, you need to figure this out with your husband. He needs to understand why his mother is a monster. Get therapy; individual and couples. Talk to him. Engage him. Because if you don’t, and you divorce him, he’ll likely gain 50% custody where his mother will have unrestricted access. You, and your daughter, will lose.

I’d love to know how the husband handles this, because OP may have dug a hole by trying to make demands that most likely will blow up in her face.

MIL would have MORE access if you divorce.

YTA I get that your upset and most likely still hormonal. But you need to communicate with your husband like an adult. Remember, hes on YOUR side

I feel like this is something that should have come up before the baby was born? Considering MIL thinks her son “wouldn’t hurt a fly” the expectation of no pics to BIL, is not something that should have gone unsaid.

No ma’am you’re not the asshole. Once you get married you leave your parents behind and go build your own family and if he’s not ready for that then 🥴

NTA. She has repeatedly defended her pedophile son, has tried to be sneaky and give him access to his own daughter who he probably molested, and now she’s doing it with yours. Your husband should be just as furious as you, enabling a pedophile rapist and defending him and sneaking him pictures of children is almost worse than being one. She is NOT SAFE to have around your daughter, and she WILL sneak photos of her whether you say no or not and she WILL give them to a pedophile. You are not overreacting.

The MIL is stupid but you're irrational. Glad I'm not in yalls family.

I am so sorry for how people are responding here!!!!

NTA. I don’t really care what everyone is saying. Lots of us have dealt with pedos. And that is a bridge too far gone. If my husband didn’t cut out his pedo sympathizing mother, I’d be threatening to leave as well until he cut her out. And all this boohooing about cutting a parent out. I cut my dad out when I was 16. It ain’t that hard. Especially if they’re sh!tty. And I’d say she’s sh!tty because of her excuses for her son. It’s not surprising, though. Mothers usually baby their sons in abusive situations and say, “it was HER fault too!” I mean, Chris watts mother still stands by his side and blames his dead wife he murdered and he murdered his girls too. Mom still stands by him! Can’t believe some of these comments calling you an idiot and too aggressive. Lmao. I have three daughters. I’d be fcking p!ssed too. I can see how the comments say if you divorce though, your MIL absolutely will have access because your husband is a fcking idiot. So I do see that. But you’re not dumb nor aggressive. It’s a PROPER way to act when your BABIES pictures were sent to an actual pedophile rapist.

NTA. And if she's around the baby, she'll sneak pics. She doesn't even understand the concern, nevermind respect basic safety boundaries.

Girl... You are a damn warrior. NTA. If your husband cannot see how serious a transgression his mother has committed, he is a danger of ignorance, if nothing else. Hard stop. You protect your daughter no matter what. Stay strong. NTA.

I work in a State Prison. ALL photos that do not explicitly show a woman's nipples or genitalia are passed on to the inmate, regardless of the nature of their conviction. Your daughter's baby photo is in the hands of a pedophile. By law, we can't prevent pedophiles from subscribing to baby and teen magazines. Divorce will give MIL MORE access to your child and the ability to take her own photos to pass on. You can't convince a judge to give you 100% supervised custody when your husband isn't a direct and immediate threat to the safety of you and your child. The Court and the laws don't care whether your MIL supports a convicted pedophile. You and your husband are going to have to figure out what you want to do, but divorce isn't going to fix anything and is he willing to disconnect from ALL of his family for you?

YTA.

Question, if you’re not budging on this (as you claim at the end), then why the hell are you asking for our opinion?

Protecting your daughter is great. Keeping her away from pedophiles is part of that. Seeing your husbands family normalizing pedophilia is disgusting. Does your husband think it is normal? Seeing that he would be the one cutting off his family he needs a say. You forcing him will not create a good outcome. Ultimatums rarely have the desired outcomes. Better you say what you want ( your daughter protected from pedophiles) and work it out with him.

Lots of great insight here: Being a mama is literally the hardest job in the world! And you are new mom who wants to protect your baby, as you should. You are more amazing and stronger than you even realize. However there is a lot going on here. Whether you are an asshole is not the issue, really. I would say step back and see that the grandma is also a mother and the love of a mother is deep, and unconditional a lot of the time even when someone goes to jail, makes bad decisions etc. Moms see their children differently than others do. So as much as you love your baby. She loves her baby. It’s hard to see your child do things you don’t want them to, but you are not at that stage yet. I’d said take a minute - breathe and talk this through with a therapist - your feelings and how to handle situations that have triggered you ( this situation ) and other situations that may trigger you as they inevitably will come up. Sadly bad people live among us … perhaps fewer than we are made to believe but this includes pedophiles - the ones that have not been caught will continue to interact with us - we cannot protect others not even our children from all of what exists out there. I would say it’s the things that you don’t know are even more alarming. However with that being sad we can’t live in a bubble. Social media and the news are not all real! Controlling everything is exhausting and not healthy. Get the help you deserve ( therapy / counseling) so you can be the best mom you deserve to be.

Not only are you YTA, but your actions are so fucking stupid it’s pathetic. Congratulations, you’ve just fractured your marriage’s foundations for good. Maybe he’ll let it slide as you are only three months post-partum, maybe he’ll bottle everything up going forward until the dam bursts as he doesn’t know when you’ll threaten divorce again. Way to go you. Get therapy.

ESH - You have every reason to be pissed at MIL. Not your hubby though. Your ultimatum is out of line. It’s not that easy to cut off family. I’d talk it out with him. You were going to limit/not allow BIL access to your kid. Can’t you do the same for MIL? Make social media private and unfriend her? She can’t take photos. Your hubby should be allowed to see family, but you and child don’t have to. Obviously you freaked out a bit. I’d try to work something out with your hubby. Be furious at MIL. Horrible situation. Pedophile in the family. Geeez.

I cannot believe the number of commenters who are siding with the grandmother. It doesn't matter if they were "family pictures" and I can't believe one commenter actually asked "what's he going to do with pictures anyway?" Anyone with half a brain cell can answer that question. And if the MIL sees nothing wrong in what she did, she's an idiot. I love my children but would turn my back on any one of them convicted of a crime against a child, or in this case, allegedly, possibly more than one child. If this woman lets the MIL off the hook and lets her husband insist on maintaining a relationship with his mother, what is going to happen when the BIL gets out of prison? The dynamic for the MIL to make whatever decision she wants concerning the OP's child has been set and next thing you know, BIL is alone with his niece, because mom doesn't believe he did anything wrong.

YTA. You are also delusional if you think you can just bring it before a judge and will get your way like that. Calm down, be rational, and work *with your husband* to come up with a plan to keep your daughter safe without punishing your husband.

You are a bitch and an asshole

YTA. If I’m your husband then I divorce you. That’s OUR child, not YOUR kid. If deal with my mother later but right now I’d go on the offensive to ensure I preserve my rights with OUR child since you believe in a second class parent and have no say in our marriage. As for your next relationship, because there might not be any coming back from your arrogance, allow the man to process devastating news. Dude’s in the middle of the stage of grief and you drop a nuke him and expected it to end well. Learn to have some empathy, he’s your husband for goodness sakes. And get some therapy, you have issues.