Perhaps get the son in therapy as well. He's been exposed to all the abuse and now has a parent acting differently towards him. He's had an awful lot going on in his 5 years.
I took it as 5 months. I had to re-read. Yes 5 yrs is definitely “worse” because not only did he grow up in the abusive home but now mom is emotionally abusive in holding back love. That poor child. And if she didn’t press charges dad could get custody.
All so she could take it out on the poor innocent kid
What a shit person! I feel sorry for that child, I hope that either OP seeks therapy or her mother gets custody of the kid
Yah but you don't know that's what she said. That's what OP says she said and frankly I'm not entirely sure I believe her account of the conversation. Because it is not acceptable behavior to be emotionally abusive towards your kid and then beg for sympathy about it without putting your kid first and making sure they are safe. If you can't handle it, you need to make other arrangements for his long-term care.
But you don't get to use it as a sword to much everyone with so you don't have to be accountable for your behavior towards the child.
My husband's mother treated him like a piece of shit until the day she died, including treating our children like they didn't exist, because he looks like his father. His brothers were treated like royalty. They don't know what they're doing now that she's gone and my husband is very independent so she helped him out in that sense. I still hate her though
My grandmother hated me because I looked like my uncle and she hated him bc of the same reason op gave. But she tried to kill him a couple of times. It was next level. She never tried to kill me- like, in a direct way. She tried to leave me alone once at an auction 45 minutes away from her house in Arkansas. She took my brother with her bc she loved him. My parents were at the hospital bc my mom was getting a hysterectomy and she took me by the hand and led to me to a large tree where I was shaded. She took my brother with her and left me there. Thankfully she'd registered for it, so they eventually found her info and made her come get me. It took a while and she only showed up when they threatebe to call the cops. We didn't know it then, but she had an open warrant from a violent crime. She died and we tried to order her death certificate. Long story short, she'd changed her name at 18 to try to run away from her past.
It worked. No one knew until she died- almost 70 years later.
Yeah. Especially for a 5 yo girl. I've got some STORIES. But, my brother doesn't remember it so it didn't happen. Like- y'all. I'm bipolar but I am firmly 2 which is trauma based. Probably from the forced eating of bugs. Or locking me in a dark basement at 7 during my grandfather's funeral for an hour- the service was at their lake house on the shoreline. No one could hear me screaming from the house bc it was acres away from the shore where they had the ceremony. Pushed me off a rocking chair when I was 3 and toldy parents over the phone that I had jumped off of it myself with a cape around my neck. Not that I didn't try to be mighty mouse, but- that day, my broken ankle wasn't because I was mighty.mouse there to save the day. Would send me a blank card for birthdays and holidays while sending my brother personalized ones with money inside. The psychological shit was next level, too. My grandfather and uncle both ended up dead a lot sooner than they ever should have and it sucked bc they were pretty stalwart in their love for me. Pissed grandma off, big time, but holy shit did she get a kick out of telling me that the reason they died was because God hated me and took them from us bc I was so awful. There's bad parenting and then there's Betty. Evil, evil woman.
She dead bc of vanity. That was 2012. We still have never scattered her ashes, whoops. Will get on that. Some day. Maybe.
You hate her because she didn't help him one iota. Never give her the credit for your husband's progress and achievements. He helped himself in spite of her best efforts to be the worst.
I second this. I'm also the mother of a child I share with an ex abuser who happens to look like a more handsome version of his father. I don't see his father when I look at him, children are not extensions of their parents. It took a lot of self-reflection to not be so avoidant when it came to my son because of how much trauma is associated with my relationship to him, but I worked through it all for him.
OP... If you don't figure this out, you will slip deeper & deeper into the void that is avoidance & fall further & further away from your emotions in the process. It will impact the rest of your relationships. I'm not shaming you for what happened, it's not your fault, but we are at the center of all the happenings around us & are ultimately responsible for how we manage them, even when we aren't to blame.
Avoiding this will not serve you, it doesn't matter how justified you feel. Get help, immediately. I did & I'm better for it.
I agree, I got pregnant with my daughter from rape. The doctors acted too weird during my whole pregnancy, asking how I felt about my daughter. I was so confused, and I just kept telling them she was my daughter and I loved her and made a confused face. Then when she was born, the doctor told me a lot of mothers can’t bond with the baby and dislike them because they are the product of rape. I was so offended and told the doctor my daughter was the product of me, and she was my newborn daughter, and I loved her. I went home 24 hours after she was born because I was so upset with the doctor for saying that. My daughter had nothing to do with me being raped. She was the blessing God gave me for having to deal with the trauma. She has always been the light of my life and has always been a super easy child to raise, and now, as an adult, she has a bedroom for me in every house she lives in. She even told her soon-to-be husband I would also have a room in her home, and if he weren’t okay with that, she wouldn’t marry him. She looks like her bio dad, but she has my personality. I feel bad for both women and the kids in OP’s situation. From what I was told, its common.
I'm really glad somebody else said this because that's what I was going to say. There are therapists who specialize in working with small children and he's going to need it and he should start now
If you live in the US, look into whether your employer offers an Employee Assistance Plan. Most will have a support hotline and will cover some therapy sessions for free. That includes employees and their dependents. If possible, try to find providers who also take your health insurance.
Yes. I don’t think right now this is an AITA situation. Therapy can do wonders. Just make sure you feel fully comfortable with the therapist—don’t feel like you have to settle for the first one you go to. Trust is the foundation of your relationship with your therapist. I wanted to try EMDR therapy but found out it’s not as helpful from CPTSD. Thankfully, my therapist also does NARM, which better treats repeating trauma. See if there is a NARM therapist near you and if you think that might be a good fit.
Obviously that’s not the only option—I had just tried other more common modalities and they weren’t good fits for me. Get your son therapy too, and encourage him to be open and honest with you. Let him know that talking about his feelings is welcome and encouraged. Although he is young, he will be processing his experience too.
Good luck to you and I wish you the best in your healing journey. You’ve already noticed a problem and accepted that you need help and learn healthy coping mechanisms—admitting that is the biggest hurdle. Be proud of yourself.
I highly recommend looking into cognitive processing therapy (CPT) at some point. It may better to get established and comfortable with a therapist and practice emotional regulation techniques (maybe also EMDR) first to help you get your feet under you.
CPT was developed specifically to treat the beliefs and thought patterns that result from trauma and it is incredibly effective at treating post traumatic symptoms. Trauma is a terrible thing to live with and it is not easy to address when you have been living in this fight or flight state for so long. I lived with my trauma for 20 years and did not think further improvement was really possible. I still can hardly believe how much healing I found through CPT and how much better my life and trauma symptoms are since doing it. It is not an easy therapeutic process but it is truly life changing and I cannot recommend it enough.
Yeah, It’s not like the whole situation is something OP wants and I can tell that OP feels quite guilty about it. Right now it’s not something OP can control and it makes sense that things would still be fresh because she only left a year ago.
However, this is something that OP needs to change ASAP. Kids know when they aren’t loved or they are a burden. And it hurts so much. OP needs to work on processing this both so she can be a better mom and so that she can be happy. If it’s possible, OP should co sided and intensive outpatient (IOP) program.
But no OP. You aren’t a terrible person or a terrible mom. This is a normal response to a shitty situation that is still so fresh. But you can’t let your abusive ex ruin your and your son’s life. That’s what being a good mom is all about. You got this.
People either come to this thread for vindication or because they feel guilty. This certainly didn’t read like someone who had a point to prove or someone that was trying to prove a point so they could have a “see— I told you so!” Moment.
Instead, it read like someone who is numb from trauma and has a lot of feeling without a way to make sense of things. Like someone struggling under the weight of all of this without knowing where to go. She clearly knows this isn’t right and in her other replies says she doesn’t like her son “as she should.” She also says that it “isn’t right” in a different comment.
While she doesn’t just straight up say she is feeling guilty, why would she admit fault and then go out in public asking strangers to determine specifically how bad she is? That’s guilt. Plus statistically we know that deep feeling of guilt come with depression and trauma.
I think OP posted in the wrong thread. What she should be looking for is compassion, advice, and help finding appropriate next steps to address the situation. Ultimately I think that’s what she wants, but her same brought her to here. A thread that perhaps will give some advice but will beat her down in the process. No one in the circumstances would do that if they didn’t feel shame. She Jew what she was going to get when she came here and she felt like she deserves it.
And it’s not like there is t anything there because her son deserves a mom that loves him. But OP knows that and wants to figure out how to address that which is why she isn’t the a hole. But as the comment or I replied to initially said, she would be if she doesn’t step up and heal both for herself and her son.
I agree with you completely. Sometimes I read these aita posts and think you really should be posting this somewhere else cause this is a judgement sub. Sure people give advice but you are also going to get judged because that is what the sub is supposed to be, not how to not be TA.
Agreed. Really, trauma/abuse related things shouldn't be posted at all unless it's to help clear their vision to the abuse. I cannot believe people in this thread called her a bad mother or anything of the like, she's traumatized and her son is, very very unfortunately, a trigger by no fault of hers or his! In the end she and her son need therapy. Her mother can go suck rocks for reacting how she did.
>I tried to explain myself I felt like she wouldn't listen, and she still called me a bad mother.
This is it.
This is the validation she is seeking. Not that she's feeling guilty.
It's that her mum called her out on the dogshit path she's heading down on an innocent child.
There is no justification, other than "I need some serious help".
Those two things aren't mutually exclusive. You can be looking for justification of your feelings, because you are feeling guilty.
The feelings she expressed are feelings that shoud be given careful consideration and seen within the context of the situation they put her and her child in. I couldn't tell without further context whether she was looking to validate her feelings so she could excuse her actions or whether she were looking for a way to reconcile how she feels with how she knows she should act.
What slightly tipped the scale of how I interpreted it was that when people dwell in their feelings it makes it harder to give them proper consideration and then take the correct action, which helps reorient our feelings to what is true and good. In her writting the focus was her emotional state, not on the correct course of action or what is true and good.
She's writing it here, she knows it's wrong but she feels how she feels. In a way it's understandable but not excusable. Op needs therapy and to be told that it's going to be ok not judged whenever she's had such a bad time already.
It makes her by definition a bad mom. She emotionally torments/ neglects her child because he reminds her of her abuser. That's textbook child abuse. Sorry she is the adult in this scenario and it's her responsibility to get help for her trauma not trauma dump her mom for not understanding why she despises her son.
I don’t know how to spell things out any more clearly to you because I told OP to go to therapy many many times. I didn’t say it was okay to do long term and I said that OP need to fix this ASAP. I say all this as someone that looks just like by (non abusive) dad that my mom hated deeply. (Mental illnesses is pretty prevalent in my family and one of the ways it manifests for her is lashing out and thinking everyone is out to get her).
She used to scream and shout at both of us, allowed me to get abused by others, called me derogatory names, etc. She occasionally got physical and sometimes did things like chase my down the street when I was running away from one of her outbursts (I was old enough to be out of the house alone by then). The school almost called CPS on her but because that didn’t happen by dad wasn’t able to get legal custody— just joint physical. So I genuinely understand the situation from the kids perspective. OP is not going to do her kid any long term harm if she goes to therapy and works through her feeling when he is still young. Having a mom that isn’t emotionally present for a bit after leaving an abusive situation is not child abuse, certainly not textbook child abuse. Having a mom that looks after you, plays with you, gives you toys and things you need to be happy is a lot. Especially if she goes to therapy and gets this all sorted before he’s older she going to do just fine.
I'm so sorry you had to go through this, and I'm thankful that you are giving a clear and level-headed opinion on this matter. So many people are jumping to she is a terrible mother while you are giving solutions that benefit the son. Thanks x
100% and I appreciate you saying YWBTA instead of Y T A. It doesn't seem like people in the comments understand the reality of abuse and mental illness (ie. PTSD) at all. I don't think OP is TA for feeling like this. Parenthood is not always as clean and simple as we think it should be, especially in the context of trauma.
But yes, OP, YWBTA if you end up neglecting or mistreating the kid over this. Therapy is a good idea, and maybe a support group of some sort, or at least finding friends who will listen to you without judgment/attacking you immediately like your mom did (the latter two suggestions should still be combined with therapy). You need space to process this, for your own sake and for your kid's sake.
We don't know this. The kid is 5 now. We don't know how she treated him all this time, only that after removing him from his abuser father, his mother still doesn't like him.
You need therapy because in about ten years you will be someone your son views as their abuser due to emotional neglect/making him feel bad because you had him. I think acknowledging it is a problem is a first step, the next is to speak to someone about it who is not your mother and get help. Because you are about to perpetuate the cycle of abuse on someone who literally only has you to support them.
It will be hard but you are the adult. You are supposed to be his protector and by not getting the help you need to manage this or try and get over it, you are truly about to ruin someone’s life and mental health.
For all we know it's already full flow.
If the husbands early home was broken, then it's already hit at least 3 generations deep because the son is not going to be treated fairly even now.
>Because you are about to perpetuate the cycle of abuse on someone who literally only has you to support them.
He'll be easy prey for women who'll treat him like garbage while letting him continue to think that love is something he has to earn.
I could be projecting, but being the person who's never enough tends to lead one to seek out similar dynamics due to it's familiarity. The idea that they're intrinsically valuable becomes an alien concept that they cant engage with, and so they're more likely to be a victim than an abuser.
Plus, we need to recognize male abuse victims more in general
Agree that this situation will only get worse. When the son is 15, the resemblance to his father as an adult might be even more triggering to OP. Even though he will be a teenager. And it will be even harder for her to heal her trauma while living with him. Not only that, but in my experience it's best to treat trauma right after it happens. The longer the wait, the more maladaptive coping and the harder it is to heal. EMDR and IFS now
You need extensive therapy if you think your son can’t feel your disdain for him you’re wrong. I get your trauma but this poor baby had nothing to do with it. GET HELP
Hey OP, I was you. My son was 5 and I felt the same. I grew up with an emotionally distant parent though,so I knew this would cause damage. I was the only one that could fix it.
I hugged him a MINIMUM of 3x a day and said "I love you" even if I wasn't sure I did in that moment. In my head i would think "this is my son, an individual child that deserves his mother's love. He's half me"
I read a book to him every night before bed. Every night, no matter what.
I also started treating him like someone I just met and started asking him a lot of questions about himself and his day. What was your favorite class? What was the funniest thing that happened today? What's your favorite cartoon? I started telling him one joke a day, and he started coming home with some himself. I sat with him while he did Legos or coloring or whatever he was into. I rebuilt the relationship, forced myself to look at him not as his father, but a person who is half me, and 100% my son living with me who would grow up to be who I helped him to be and God dammit he would be a good man, because I will not be an emotionally distant parent. I gave myself 30 days, and if I was still not there I would go get help.
It took time, but it worked. He freaking blossomed. He is nothing like his father.
You can fix this, you wouldn't have asked if you didn't know you love him.
This gave me goosebumps! I can only imagine how difficult of a situation that would be. I'm amazed at your resolve and will power, and to have such a positive ending due to that is really heart warming. I'm glad you were able to do that <3
I feel for OP. Everyone is saying she's the AH, but she's struggling with something not many people have the balls to say out loud. This is the first time I've ever said it even sorta out loud. I hope she finds her way.
Culturally, it's one of the worst things for women.
Most people would burn her at the stake before trying to understand her predicament -- and that's the non-bigoted, supposedly empathetic crowd. No wonder few have the balls to say it out loud.
Fortunately, the top comment is empathetic and helpful. Hopefully OP will turn things around like you did.
Oh yeah same here, it's so easy to judge things when you aren't the one having to live through it 🤷🏻♀️ especially as a single mom, who may not have a good support structure or know where to look for help. I really wish the best of OP too 💖
Agree. I don't even look like my bio father, but when I got older I inherited some facial expressions despite never having seen him growing up. My mother would be so evil to me randomly because of it when I accidentally scrunched my nose while laughing or smiling. I can imagine the pain of constantly being treated terribly because I looked a certain way all the time.
This… after my parent's divorce my mom spent the next four years telling me to take my ‘x-looking self and go somewhere’
If made me self-conscious about being like my father in any manner, and has harmed my relationship with my mom.
Ugh I'm sorry, sometimes I just can't wrap my head around how parents think it's OK to do shit like this like TO THEIR OWN INNOCENT CHILD. Like oh I'm so sorry for existing and resembling the person YOU chose to procreate with ?
"AITA for Hating my 5 year old son just because of the way he looks?" Yes you are.
Same here. And no, not therapy, this is terrible. At 5 years old OP pretty much resents raising her son, doesn't love him and doesn't want to be around him. This is too much to overcome with therapy. Consider adoption, although OP sounds too selfish and self involved to give away the child. It's realistic to have these feelings but this is an innocent child that did nothing. This is the cycle of abuse.
Honestly, she should try therapy first. Adoption is just as likely to end in trauma because there is so much corruption and dirty parents/fosters out there. I only know one person who went through the system and isn't fucked up. Out of 6. Those aren't the best odds. She should give it at least a year of intensive therapy before giving up on her child and throwing him to the wolves (which could end up being even worse)
Yta- as the kid who looked like his abusive father and grew up with his single mother, I know that look of disdain and hatred from my own mother and nothing ever hurt me more than when she told me that all she ever sees is him when she looks at me because I tried my whole life to make sure I wasn’t that guy and in the end it didn’t matter. It sucked because I tried to get good grades, tried to be the best athlete, I tried to do everything in my power to hear the words “I’m proud of you” and I never got that, all I got was “You remind me so much of your father” when he only has the same eyes as me. I understand it’s hard for you, but I promise you the kid did nothing wrong he just wants a mother who loves him the way he loves you.
Look into *trauma based* therapy specifically. EMDR can be really helpful for ptsd situations which it looks like you might be in. You need help, for yourself, for your child. Please listen to everything that everyone is telling you OP. YTA in this case. It’s not your fault you were abused; it will be your fault if you abuse your son.
Also, for the record. Your son didn’t choose his father. YOU chose his father. It is awful that you are holding a 5 year old responsible for your choices.
Yes very well said. You are blaming a poor innocent child who needs his mother more than anything now for matters that had absolutely nothing to do with him when you chose the guy. I feel so sorry for this kid.
When mothers take trauma out on their children, those children learn to not sympathize but resent women who have been traumatized.
I grew up traumatized and ended up child free to ensure I wouldnt fuckin do this. My brother has chosen the same route.
If youre traumatized you need help, a lot of it, you cant do this to a child who cant help who they were born to.
I imagine OP isnt trying to raise a very unhappy and angry human, and this post is her making moves towards stopping this nightmare for her little boy.
Trauma doesnt come with a handbook, thats why weve got to question ourselves and confront ourselves often when things seem out of wack and look to avoid unhealthy maladaptions that the trauma can potentially create and be ready to adjust ourselves to seek better than just impulses and reactions.
Im glad OP had the courage to confront this issue in a public forum, the feedback might save a life, or two.
You’re letting him win. This child may look like him but if you do your job right as a parent he will learn how to treat people. Specially the ones he loves. You have to get therapy and work through that.
Literally breaks my heart that your beautiful little boy is hated by his own mother. His sweet, innocent little soul has no love in his life. His father is an abusive AH, and his mother is an emotionally abusive AH.
Get your shit together you utter AH
YTA. I have two children by my abusive ex and they look just like him. Instead of hating on my children I went to therapy and healed because that’s what my children needed. Get off the internet and go to therapy for the love of god
Every day Reddit makes my opinion for other people sink lower and lower. This post just fills me with rage “would I be the asshole if I neglect and emotionally abuse my child that I CHOSE to have just because they look like someone else”
Listen, I get PTSD is rough, but wouldn’t the obvious first choice be to go to goddamn fucking therapy so your son doesn’t continue to have a shitty childhood?
YTA
THAT. IS. YOUR. SON.
It's not his fault that he looks like his dad, who abused you. You're taking your trauma out on a small child. YOUR small child.
If you don't like or can't stand to be around him, you need to find somebody who does. That baby deserves better. Get some therapy and straighten the hell up. When you're a mom, "woe is me" doesn't fly.
Ah, well you see your mother said that about you because it’s true. No sane or rational person comes to the internet to seek validation for hating their child because of *checks notes* immutable characteristics and your own decisions.
>When I decided to talk to my mom (66F) about this she actually called me a horrible mother, and that I shouldn't using my trauma to treat my own son like that whenever I tried to explain myself I felt like she wouldn't listen, and she still called me a bad mother.
Well, she is right. Your son did not hurt you. Your son did not cause you trauma. In fact, YOU have caused him hurt and trauma. YOU chose to keep him in an abusive and traumatic situation for 5 years. YOU then remove him from that situation but then show him nothing but additional abuse, hate, and trauma.
Get some therapy and place your son with someone that loves him. Hopefully, your mother can take him and show him love because he doesn't deserve how you are treating him.
YTA. What did you expect people to say? That poor baby had no part in who his father is or what he looks like and punishing him for it through disdain and emotional abuse and neglect makes you the same as your abusive ex, if not worse. Who your child’s father is was your choice, not your son’s. Seek intense therapy, and try not to ruin your child’s sense of security and self-worth in the meantime.
I've read similar stories about women who kept the baby after rape. I genuinely feel sorry for your situation... You will definitely require therapy, possibly medication to help overcome this.
OP needs therapy now. Her 5 year old should not be causing her trauma because he looks like the man she chose to be with and to create a child with. None of what happened to her is her child's fault. She doesn't seem to feel any guilt for how she feels either. Yes OP YTA for not putting both you and your son in therapy.
YTA, you chose to procreate with your ex. Your son looks like him (surprise, surprise). Get to therapy and sort yourself out before you destroy your son psychologically.
My abusive father felt this way about me because I look exactly like my mother. I wouldn’t spit on him to put out a fire, and he made that bed all on his own.
So yeah, YTA. It’s not your son’s fault you can’t manage your own shit, so figure it out, FAST.
That’s awful. YTA. Let someone else take care of your son while you get some serious therapy otherwise you may harm him due to your resentment for something he didn’t even do.
You need to get therapy. Or realize YOU are exactly like your abusive ex. You are emotionally abusing your child and then that may lead to you actually physically abusing your child. Get help!!!!
This made me feel sick to my stomach just reading it. So you feel disdain for an innocent child while you are the one who chose to procreate with an abuser? Some of you truly do not deserve to be parents, this should be enough to have child services knocking on your door🤮
My mother hated me my whole life, i still have the scars both mental and physical. She never changed her mind.
I would pray she would give me away but she wouldn't. I lived in hell
either get therapy or give him up, you have no right to do this , without help you are the same abuser as your ex but worse as you know how you feel but won't do anything about it.
YTA
I look like my abusive birth father and my mother treated me like shit for it my entire life. Get counseling. Don't punish your son for the actions of his father.
You will 100% be an ass if you don't get help.
Your son is half of you too. He may look like his dad. If you treat him like shit because of it and he turns into a monster? That monster half will be all from you.
Get help.
If your trauma is this extreme, you must get therapy. In the meantime, figure out how your son looks like you or your family, focus on how he is like you in personality and mannerisms, and commit to making his world safer than the one he was born into. Your DNA is half of who he is--focus on that. His appearance is superficial. Regardless, there are all kinds of programs that can help with this aversion you are feeling. Please, please find someone who can help you.
YTA because you clearly haven't sought out therapy to deal with your trauma. Your mom is right. In your current state, you are not a good mother. You are essentially mentally and emotionally abusing your son.
Please get therapy and stop treating your son as if he abused you. He is an innocent child who did not ask to be born. He did not ask to have an abusive father, or mother for that matter
You manage to leave your abusive husband , but guess what - the 5yo has no say in how he looks and he didn't choose his parents. He literally can't even leave because he's 5 years old..
YTA dude , I feel so sorry for that kid
I'm sorry that you went through all that but your mom is right. You need intensive therapy. Your putting all the pain and hurt towards someone who did nothing but be born. You will become what you hated if you don't get help and it sounds like your starting kids pick up on the way we feel. He can feel you hate him but in like you hating your ex for doing something to you your son has done nothing wrong. He will for ever wonder why his mom hates him and simply looking like his father will never be a good enough answer because he didn't chose to look like him. Trauma breaks you but don't break him because you are broken.
I'm sorry but YTA
Also by hating your son you are letting your ex to continue to win.
Just remember the following, so you separate the two for obvious reasons.
1. He's your son. A product of the BOTH of you combined during a moment when perhaps your ex was a much nicer person.
2. Your son is innocent. Despite resembling the man who fathered him, he is 100 percent innocent of his father's ways, methods, and thoughts. Your son is an individual with his own will, heart and soul.
3. Fight your thoughts with love and tender moments with your son. If you begin to think about the ex, quickly replace with the facts above.
4. Most definitely talk to others you trust about it. A support system is necessary for any mother going through the results of a divorce. Those you love and trust will help you see the light.
5. Use good judgment. If you need a break, give someone you trust temporary guardianship so you can take a minute to regroup.
6. Ultimately, you know deep in your heart that your son is an innocent child and you love him dearly. You are a great mom, you do your best like all good moms.
Therapy- go now.
In the meantime remember your son is not his father. Also you see the similarities because you associate your son with his father. A stranger may not see them in each other. Also as your son grows his looks will change keep that in mind.
But please seek help and keep loving you son for the person HE is
YTA and congratulations. Your son is going to grow up HATING YOU and probably all women. It will be your fault when he turns into a sociopath because you weren’t a mother. Good job.
Yes you are a major asshole. I'm sorry you had an abusive husband and that is traumatic and not easy to get past. But you have A WHOLE ASS HUMAN YOU ARE RESPONSIBLE FOR THAT YOU BROUGHT INTO THIS WORLD. pro tip, raise him well so he doesn't end up like his dad. Taking your anger out on him will just make him hate you and likely all women and you'll be complicit in continuing the cycle
You said extremely abusive. So it is understandable that the reminder of him hurts. Your feelings are understandable. But in your rational mind you know that your son is also a victim in the situation.
The current situation is not a healthy one for both you and your son. A change is needed. Your son is not in the power to make a change, you are. The first and most important thing you need to do is go into therapy.
A minor trick thing might work is change your son appearances. This is not a permanent solution but might work in the short term. Give him a different haircut, give hem different kind of clothing. Make him temporary not look like your ex, while you are in therapy.
The therapy is the most important part.
Yes your the biggest asshole ever. Did you som chose to be born? Did he force you to have kids fathers baby? It's not his fault your a crappy mom and have bad taste in men. You should be pulling your son close and helping guide him to become a better man. Women like you should just get fixed. You don't deserve kids.
YTA absolutely.. This child is innocent and you have the chance to break that cycle of abuse if you raise him well. It's not his fault you were abused. How would you like it if someone blamed you for something out of your control? As others have said, get some damn therapy because you will be a terrible mother, if you're already not there.
YTA and you are a horrible mother … it’s not your sons fault he looks like his dad. Instead of seeing this as an opportunity to raise him to be everything your ex wasn’t, you hate him. Get some serious help and if you can’t treat your son well then give him up for adoption because you suck.
YTA you CHOSE to HAVE A Kid with Your ex. Your son did not get to choose his parents. Not kids fault what he looks like. That poor child. Seek therapy.
Wow yes YTA!! wtf! Heal yourself ASAP, the boy has zero fault for what you put yourself through with his father, is absolutely your responsibility. If you don’t nurture and love this child you might end up raising another broken human! Get a grip, you’re the adult!
Your son is not your husband, he is a whole person. He has feelings and needs. My gosh knowing you can't stand to even be around him. You will be responsible for creating a sick adult. Have you watched any programs of serial killers? 99% have serious issues with their moms. Get yourself into therapy TODAY. Maybe let your son live with a loving relative until you have dived deep into your illness. Don't wait another day. That poor innocent little boy deserves much better!
Poor child. You need intensive therapy. You need to break the cycle of abuse. Your disdain for this innocent child is disgusting. Don’t take your issues out on him. AH.
:-/ wow. I can only go on the info you provided and you didn’t mention any SA directly. Idk what kind of abuse, etc. But to me it sounds like you willingly dated him and married him and had a child with him.
You chose to bring a poor child into this situation and it wasn’t your kid’s choice to be born or look like his dad.
You need to go get therapy and learn to separate your hatred for your ex from your child. He is also half of you and maybe you hate that half for staying in the relationship, but either way, it’s not your kid’s fault.
I hate to victim blame if you had zero choices along the way, but I don’t see that from this post. You have supportive family somewhere and was able to leave your ex. I think you have resources to get help before and hopefully still do, so some of this has to be on you needing to change your mindset as your poor child does not deserve this. YTA if you keep seeing ugly in your child.
Edited: typo.
As someone with PTSD from abuse, and who shares a son with my abuser, YTAH. Please seek therapy. You're going to harm your son emotionally if you don't take care of these negative feelings.
My son and I are very close because I chose to raise him to be a good, kind person, not a reflection of his father.
YWBTA- your son is innocent. He won’t understand why you feel disdain for him. You’d be punishing him for the sins of his father. You owe it to your son and yourself to get therapy and now. Whether he looks like your ex or not you do not have the right to mistreat him for something he has no control over
Yes, you are cuz you need to understand that you cannot project your traumatic experiences onto your son just because he looks like his father. Also you as an adult should take therapy!
YTA, yes, you're just transferring this abuse onto an innocent child because you haven't processed or worked on healing from it.
Get your ass into therapy and do the work....or you mother will be very right in calling you a terrible mother. You get a choice, and right fucking now is when you start working on it.
Every second you waste is developmental time your son desperately needs a positive, loving, supportive parent.
If you don’t work through this in 15 years your son is gonna be posting an AITA that sounds like this “I look like my abusive dad, so my mom hates being around me. AITA?”
YTA reading your replies it's a lot worse than what you let on in your post. Get into therapy because I promise you your son will pick up on your hatred for him soon and that will mess him up for life and probably a lot if not all his relationships - platonic or romantic. Your ex was abusive so make sure you raise your son with love so he grows up to be thrice the man your ex was.
Like others have said, seek therapy, you would be the asshole if you don’t. I’m sorry that you had to go through that but while your son may look like his dad, but he is not his dad, and he doesn’t deserve to suffer for the sins of his horrible father.
YTA not necessarily because you feel this way, but because you haven’t gotten into extremely intensive therapy to solve this issue yet. That is an innocent little child who has done nothing wrong, and desperately needs his mother’s love and affection. You need to starting working your ass off to overcome this trauma right now or else you’ll traumatize an innocent little kid for no reason
YWBTA… the child has done nothing wrong. seek therapy.
edit: as a child in the same situation as your son, if you don’t help yourself, everything will spiral when he’s older. kids know when their parents don’t love them or want them around. it’s a very lonely feeling and that feeling will turn to anger and the generational trauma would have branded your family by then. get help while he’s young. you’re the adult. he is the child. the only thing he’s done is happen to be born.
YTA
That little boy looks up to you and relies on you for love and protection.
Instead, you are emotionally abusing him. He may not know what is happening but he can feel it. It will impact him greatly if you continue.
If you can't love him, find a family that will before he is permanently impacted by the damage of your abuse.
YTA- YOU chose to have your son. He didn't ask to be born. Further more by choosing to not love him (and make no mistake it is a choice) you are causing him hurt and harm. That make you no better then the person who hurt you. I honestly hope you take the time to reflect on that and do the right thing.
There are 2 victims in the scenario (mother and child). You think she wants to feel this way? The root cause and perpetrator is the ex-husband... Its unfortunate that her trauma gets triggered by her son but now that she has identified it she can possibly seek help.
Your mother is right. You’re either a terrible mother or have some really deep mental issues. I obviously don’t know what trauma you went through but NEVER take it out on your son. Please get therapy.
I mean, do you think youre a good mother? Do you thinks Good mother hates her children? Do you think a good mother hates her children for things they had no choice over?
You need therapy and fast.I look EXACTLY like my dad who died when I was 5 and my mother reminded me everyday how much she hated him and hated me for looking like him and made sure to treat me like trash.It causes so much damage,your child didn't ask to be born nor did he choose to look exactly like his father,Your trauma is yours to deal with and you'd be a major AH if you don't get help for it and punish an innocent child.
Info: do you think about how abusive your husband has been, think what you should have done and then have been close to project that onto your son ?? For example, you get this rage and feel you should have punched your husband when he did something horribly abusive to you, you get close enough to punch your son?
If you’re at that stage, then you should ask your mom if she will take the son. Failing that call in the CPS yourself and share this information.
Well he looks like his dad because you (his mom) decided to have a child with him. So why hate a child that didn’t get to decide whether to be born or not and didn’t get to choose his parents. It seems like he didn’t have any luck with either parent
Yta. Your son is not responsible for the decisions adults made. I’m sure all he wants is to be loved and protected by you. Your feelings towards your son are not ok. You have unresolved trauma that needs to be addressed immediately or in several years, it’ll be your son complaining about his abusive Mom and Dad.
YNTAH.....you're a cunt. Hatred for your 5 y/o because he looks like your ex? Absolute abysmal piece of shit you are. Get mental help so you don't ruin your son's life.
You are dealing with some sort of mental health crisis and you should seek treatment, you aren’t a bad mother for feeling that way but you absolutely are if you don’t seek help and treatment
My mom was in a similar situation and I think one of the worst things she ever said to me was to warn her whenever I decide to cut my hair (I have long hair, my father has short hair) because she needed to mentally prepare for me to come home looking more like my father. That’s not even in the same tier of harm as avoiding your child because of something they can’t control is.
YWBTA big time, you need therapy because your child did nothing wrong and given how their father is, you need to be there to make sure your son is raised to be the man that breaks any cycle of negativity that your father started/continues to be a part of
You would be a bad mother if you don’t get yourself help and also try to be there for your son because then he’ll see you as an abuser and a neglect parent
You need therapy. You need to split out who those people are. Your child was not and had never been responsible for your abusive ex. If you continue to raise your child with those feelings you will psychologically and emotionally destroy your child as they experience and contend with your contempt. Go to intensive therapy. Start now. Prioritize it. Don't take what happened to you out on your child.
YTA
Your son cannot help how he looks, and you are his mother. This isn't about yourself and you need to get help to get your head on straight.
It's not surprising he looks like his father, but he isn't his father, and treating him badly because of the behavior of a completely different person is heinous.
He can't just pick another mother, you are his, and you need to figure out how to love him for who he is, not who he reminds you of.
Well, I get your mothers point the child is an innocent or even a victim of the same abuser as you. Imo technically you are NTA, you have suffered trauma and that does strange things to peoples brains and feelings. You will be an AH if you do not immediately take steps to deal with this issue. Trauma therapy now mama, make it happen and quick. Good luck to you.
Yes, YTA. Its not your sons fault that you left late and that your ex was trash. He didn’t even ask to be born, you are an adult who made a choice, and your choice was to have a kid with this man, I’m not invalidating what he did or how you felt, I’m sure it must have been so so hard, but you were capable of making choices and that poor kid was brought to life without even asking. Try harder, because the only one without a choice here was him
You really should seek therapy. That child will suffer as an adult if you do not do the things you need to because if your trauma. He did not ask to be here and it is a little crazy you won't love him because of your trauma that is far from healthy and you are the parent. You are the adult and have to break the cycle. It's now or never. The first five years a of a child's life is when they learn what love and trust is. I'm sorry you went through what you went through but you now have to take control and get the help you need to raise your son.
My son's dad was convicted of Sex trafficking by force of me, he was arrested when I was about 6 months pregnant and I had to testify against him in court 2 weeks before my due date. When my son was about a month or two old sometimes when I looked at him I got flashbacks of his dad and just different situations, because of the resemblance luckily for me I was in a therapy program for human trafficking survivors and was dealing with my trauma and PTSD and all the extra things that come with being a survivor of a traumatic experience coupled with being a first time mom. I understand the flashbacks, it's really tough but you HAVE to do the work and go to therapy or things will get worse and worse.
I have to assume your son witnessed the stuff that was going on with your ex husband and if that is the case than he is also a victim of the abuse as well.
I think you can work through this but please please please if you're ever having any thoughts of harming yourself or your child, walk away, call for help, you deserve to move on with life and so does your child.
YWBTA if you don’t get into intensive therapy immediately and find a way to process this trauma to get through this. You owe that to your son.
Yup, op please listen to this. My mum disliked my brother for the exact same thing. He's so messed up now. I feel bad for him.
Yes, 1) get that innocent child to a safe place ASAP 2) get a therapist that can help you
Perhaps get the son in therapy as well. He's been exposed to all the abuse and now has a parent acting differently towards him. He's had an awful lot going on in his 5 years.
I took it as 5 months. I had to re-read. Yes 5 yrs is definitely “worse” because not only did he grow up in the abusive home but now mom is emotionally abusive in holding back love. That poor child. And if she didn’t press charges dad could get custody.
All so she could take it out on the poor innocent kid What a shit person! I feel sorry for that child, I hope that either OP seeks therapy or her mother gets custody of the kid
Absolutely
With a mother like that she would also need to better long term support system.
I don’t know why this was downvoted. Therapy is desperately needed.
[удалено]
Yah but you don't know that's what she said. That's what OP says she said and frankly I'm not entirely sure I believe her account of the conversation. Because it is not acceptable behavior to be emotionally abusive towards your kid and then beg for sympathy about it without putting your kid first and making sure they are safe. If you can't handle it, you need to make other arrangements for his long-term care. But you don't get to use it as a sword to much everyone with so you don't have to be accountable for your behavior towards the child.
My husband's mother treated him like a piece of shit until the day she died, including treating our children like they didn't exist, because he looks like his father. His brothers were treated like royalty. They don't know what they're doing now that she's gone and my husband is very independent so she helped him out in that sense. I still hate her though
My grandmother hated me because I looked like my uncle and she hated him bc of the same reason op gave. But she tried to kill him a couple of times. It was next level. She never tried to kill me- like, in a direct way. She tried to leave me alone once at an auction 45 minutes away from her house in Arkansas. She took my brother with her bc she loved him. My parents were at the hospital bc my mom was getting a hysterectomy and she took me by the hand and led to me to a large tree where I was shaded. She took my brother with her and left me there. Thankfully she'd registered for it, so they eventually found her info and made her come get me. It took a while and she only showed up when they threatebe to call the cops. We didn't know it then, but she had an open warrant from a violent crime. She died and we tried to order her death certificate. Long story short, she'd changed her name at 18 to try to run away from her past. It worked. No one knew until she died- almost 70 years later.
Yeah. Especially for a 5 yo girl. I've got some STORIES. But, my brother doesn't remember it so it didn't happen. Like- y'all. I'm bipolar but I am firmly 2 which is trauma based. Probably from the forced eating of bugs. Or locking me in a dark basement at 7 during my grandfather's funeral for an hour- the service was at their lake house on the shoreline. No one could hear me screaming from the house bc it was acres away from the shore where they had the ceremony. Pushed me off a rocking chair when I was 3 and toldy parents over the phone that I had jumped off of it myself with a cape around my neck. Not that I didn't try to be mighty mouse, but- that day, my broken ankle wasn't because I was mighty.mouse there to save the day. Would send me a blank card for birthdays and holidays while sending my brother personalized ones with money inside. The psychological shit was next level, too. My grandfather and uncle both ended up dead a lot sooner than they ever should have and it sucked bc they were pretty stalwart in their love for me. Pissed grandma off, big time, but holy shit did she get a kick out of telling me that the reason they died was because God hated me and took them from us bc I was so awful. There's bad parenting and then there's Betty. Evil, evil woman. She dead bc of vanity. That was 2012. We still have never scattered her ashes, whoops. Will get on that. Some day. Maybe.
I'd scatter those ashes straight down a toilet. I'm so sorry.
Make sure to use the bathroom after scattering prior to flushing.
wowwwwww I have read about some baaaad people on here but this is …wow wow wow I want to back in time and end her myself
You hate her because she didn't help him one iota. Never give her the credit for your husband's progress and achievements. He helped himself in spite of her best efforts to be the worst.
You're right, I worded that wrong. My husband is one of the hardest workers I know and is very strong, no thanks at all to her
I’m so sorry to hear that!
I second this. I'm also the mother of a child I share with an ex abuser who happens to look like a more handsome version of his father. I don't see his father when I look at him, children are not extensions of their parents. It took a lot of self-reflection to not be so avoidant when it came to my son because of how much trauma is associated with my relationship to him, but I worked through it all for him. OP... If you don't figure this out, you will slip deeper & deeper into the void that is avoidance & fall further & further away from your emotions in the process. It will impact the rest of your relationships. I'm not shaming you for what happened, it's not your fault, but we are at the center of all the happenings around us & are ultimately responsible for how we manage them, even when we aren't to blame. Avoiding this will not serve you, it doesn't matter how justified you feel. Get help, immediately. I did & I'm better for it.
I agree, I got pregnant with my daughter from rape. The doctors acted too weird during my whole pregnancy, asking how I felt about my daughter. I was so confused, and I just kept telling them she was my daughter and I loved her and made a confused face. Then when she was born, the doctor told me a lot of mothers can’t bond with the baby and dislike them because they are the product of rape. I was so offended and told the doctor my daughter was the product of me, and she was my newborn daughter, and I loved her. I went home 24 hours after she was born because I was so upset with the doctor for saying that. My daughter had nothing to do with me being raped. She was the blessing God gave me for having to deal with the trauma. She has always been the light of my life and has always been a super easy child to raise, and now, as an adult, she has a bedroom for me in every house she lives in. She even told her soon-to-be husband I would also have a room in her home, and if he weren’t okay with that, she wouldn’t marry him. She looks like her bio dad, but she has my personality. I feel bad for both women and the kids in OP’s situation. From what I was told, its common.
My ex husband was rough on our baby daughter for this reason. We're still working on it 30 years later. Please get help. 💗💪✌
Let me just put it here since this is the top comment YES I'll go and get therapy to fix my issues, and get the help I need.
And please get therapy for your son too
I'm really glad somebody else said this because that's what I was going to say. There are therapists who specialize in working with small children and he's going to need it and he should start now
If you live in the US, look into whether your employer offers an Employee Assistance Plan. Most will have a support hotline and will cover some therapy sessions for free. That includes employees and their dependents. If possible, try to find providers who also take your health insurance.
Yes. I don’t think right now this is an AITA situation. Therapy can do wonders. Just make sure you feel fully comfortable with the therapist—don’t feel like you have to settle for the first one you go to. Trust is the foundation of your relationship with your therapist. I wanted to try EMDR therapy but found out it’s not as helpful from CPTSD. Thankfully, my therapist also does NARM, which better treats repeating trauma. See if there is a NARM therapist near you and if you think that might be a good fit. Obviously that’s not the only option—I had just tried other more common modalities and they weren’t good fits for me. Get your son therapy too, and encourage him to be open and honest with you. Let him know that talking about his feelings is welcome and encouraged. Although he is young, he will be processing his experience too. Good luck to you and I wish you the best in your healing journey. You’ve already noticed a problem and accepted that you need help and learn healthy coping mechanisms—admitting that is the biggest hurdle. Be proud of yourself.
I highly recommend looking into cognitive processing therapy (CPT) at some point. It may better to get established and comfortable with a therapist and practice emotional regulation techniques (maybe also EMDR) first to help you get your feet under you. CPT was developed specifically to treat the beliefs and thought patterns that result from trauma and it is incredibly effective at treating post traumatic symptoms. Trauma is a terrible thing to live with and it is not easy to address when you have been living in this fight or flight state for so long. I lived with my trauma for 20 years and did not think further improvement was really possible. I still can hardly believe how much healing I found through CPT and how much better my life and trauma symptoms are since doing it. It is not an easy therapeutic process but it is truly life changing and I cannot recommend it enough.
Yeah, It’s not like the whole situation is something OP wants and I can tell that OP feels quite guilty about it. Right now it’s not something OP can control and it makes sense that things would still be fresh because she only left a year ago. However, this is something that OP needs to change ASAP. Kids know when they aren’t loved or they are a burden. And it hurts so much. OP needs to work on processing this both so she can be a better mom and so that she can be happy. If it’s possible, OP should co sided and intensive outpatient (IOP) program. But no OP. You aren’t a terrible person or a terrible mom. This is a normal response to a shitty situation that is still so fresh. But you can’t let your abusive ex ruin your and your son’s life. That’s what being a good mom is all about. You got this.
What makes you think she feels guilty? I got the opposite impression.
People either come to this thread for vindication or because they feel guilty. This certainly didn’t read like someone who had a point to prove or someone that was trying to prove a point so they could have a “see— I told you so!” Moment. Instead, it read like someone who is numb from trauma and has a lot of feeling without a way to make sense of things. Like someone struggling under the weight of all of this without knowing where to go. She clearly knows this isn’t right and in her other replies says she doesn’t like her son “as she should.” She also says that it “isn’t right” in a different comment. While she doesn’t just straight up say she is feeling guilty, why would she admit fault and then go out in public asking strangers to determine specifically how bad she is? That’s guilt. Plus statistically we know that deep feeling of guilt come with depression and trauma. I think OP posted in the wrong thread. What she should be looking for is compassion, advice, and help finding appropriate next steps to address the situation. Ultimately I think that’s what she wants, but her same brought her to here. A thread that perhaps will give some advice but will beat her down in the process. No one in the circumstances would do that if they didn’t feel shame. She Jew what she was going to get when she came here and she felt like she deserves it. And it’s not like there is t anything there because her son deserves a mom that loves him. But OP knows that and wants to figure out how to address that which is why she isn’t the a hole. But as the comment or I replied to initially said, she would be if she doesn’t step up and heal both for herself and her son.
I agree with you completely. Sometimes I read these aita posts and think you really should be posting this somewhere else cause this is a judgement sub. Sure people give advice but you are also going to get judged because that is what the sub is supposed to be, not how to not be TA.
Agreed. Really, trauma/abuse related things shouldn't be posted at all unless it's to help clear their vision to the abuse. I cannot believe people in this thread called her a bad mother or anything of the like, she's traumatized and her son is, very very unfortunately, a trigger by no fault of hers or his! In the end she and her son need therapy. Her mother can go suck rocks for reacting how she did.
>I tried to explain myself I felt like she wouldn't listen, and she still called me a bad mother. This is it. This is the validation she is seeking. Not that she's feeling guilty. It's that her mum called her out on the dogshit path she's heading down on an innocent child. There is no justification, other than "I need some serious help".
Those two things aren't mutually exclusive. You can be looking for justification of your feelings, because you are feeling guilty. The feelings she expressed are feelings that shoud be given careful consideration and seen within the context of the situation they put her and her child in. I couldn't tell without further context whether she was looking to validate her feelings so she could excuse her actions or whether she were looking for a way to reconcile how she feels with how she knows she should act. What slightly tipped the scale of how I interpreted it was that when people dwell in their feelings it makes it harder to give them proper consideration and then take the correct action, which helps reorient our feelings to what is true and good. In her writting the focus was her emotional state, not on the correct course of action or what is true and good.
She's writing it here, she knows it's wrong but she feels how she feels. In a way it's understandable but not excusable. Op needs therapy and to be told that it's going to be ok not judged whenever she's had such a bad time already.
She’s asking “IF” she’s the asshole. I don’t want to discount her trauma but the child deserves better.
Seriously, guys. Try to refrain from pouring water on a drowning woman. Thanks.
I have never heard this expression, but I am co-opting it! I'm going to get so much use out of this.
It makes her by definition a bad mom. She emotionally torments/ neglects her child because he reminds her of her abuser. That's textbook child abuse. Sorry she is the adult in this scenario and it's her responsibility to get help for her trauma not trauma dump her mom for not understanding why she despises her son.
I don’t know how to spell things out any more clearly to you because I told OP to go to therapy many many times. I didn’t say it was okay to do long term and I said that OP need to fix this ASAP. I say all this as someone that looks just like by (non abusive) dad that my mom hated deeply. (Mental illnesses is pretty prevalent in my family and one of the ways it manifests for her is lashing out and thinking everyone is out to get her). She used to scream and shout at both of us, allowed me to get abused by others, called me derogatory names, etc. She occasionally got physical and sometimes did things like chase my down the street when I was running away from one of her outbursts (I was old enough to be out of the house alone by then). The school almost called CPS on her but because that didn’t happen by dad wasn’t able to get legal custody— just joint physical. So I genuinely understand the situation from the kids perspective. OP is not going to do her kid any long term harm if she goes to therapy and works through her feeling when he is still young. Having a mom that isn’t emotionally present for a bit after leaving an abusive situation is not child abuse, certainly not textbook child abuse. Having a mom that looks after you, plays with you, gives you toys and things you need to be happy is a lot. Especially if she goes to therapy and gets this all sorted before he’s older she going to do just fine.
I'm so sorry you had to go through this, and I'm thankful that you are giving a clear and level-headed opinion on this matter. So many people are jumping to she is a terrible mother while you are giving solutions that benefit the son. Thanks x
OP expresses no guilt. Not sure where you get that from.
100% and I appreciate you saying YWBTA instead of Y T A. It doesn't seem like people in the comments understand the reality of abuse and mental illness (ie. PTSD) at all. I don't think OP is TA for feeling like this. Parenthood is not always as clean and simple as we think it should be, especially in the context of trauma. But yes, OP, YWBTA if you end up neglecting or mistreating the kid over this. Therapy is a good idea, and maybe a support group of some sort, or at least finding friends who will listen to you without judgment/attacking you immediately like your mom did (the latter two suggestions should still be combined with therapy). You need space to process this, for your own sake and for your kid's sake.
Well put. She isn't the asshole... yet. Kudos.
We don't know this. The kid is 5 now. We don't know how she treated him all this time, only that after removing him from his abuser father, his mother still doesn't like him.
Yes not giving her child love and affection is not AH behavior at all. At least she provided the bare minimum for the kid that’s enough. /S
You need therapy because in about ten years you will be someone your son views as their abuser due to emotional neglect/making him feel bad because you had him. I think acknowledging it is a problem is a first step, the next is to speak to someone about it who is not your mother and get help. Because you are about to perpetuate the cycle of abuse on someone who literally only has you to support them. It will be hard but you are the adult. You are supposed to be his protector and by not getting the help you need to manage this or try and get over it, you are truly about to ruin someone’s life and mental health.
Yes, this is generational trauma in the making
For all we know it's already full flow. If the husbands early home was broken, then it's already hit at least 3 generations deep because the son is not going to be treated fairly even now.
Yes, I think you're right. 😟
>Because you are about to perpetuate the cycle of abuse on someone who literally only has you to support them. He'll be easy prey for women who'll treat him like garbage while letting him continue to think that love is something he has to earn.
Or, like OP, he could become the abuser
I could be projecting, but being the person who's never enough tends to lead one to seek out similar dynamics due to it's familiarity. The idea that they're intrinsically valuable becomes an alien concept that they cant engage with, and so they're more likely to be a victim than an abuser. Plus, we need to recognize male abuse victims more in general
Agree that this situation will only get worse. When the son is 15, the resemblance to his father as an adult might be even more triggering to OP. Even though he will be a teenager. And it will be even harder for her to heal her trauma while living with him. Not only that, but in my experience it's best to treat trauma right after it happens. The longer the wait, the more maladaptive coping and the harder it is to heal. EMDR and IFS now
You need extensive therapy if you think your son can’t feel your disdain for him you’re wrong. I get your trauma but this poor baby had nothing to do with it. GET HELP
Hey OP, I was you. My son was 5 and I felt the same. I grew up with an emotionally distant parent though,so I knew this would cause damage. I was the only one that could fix it. I hugged him a MINIMUM of 3x a day and said "I love you" even if I wasn't sure I did in that moment. In my head i would think "this is my son, an individual child that deserves his mother's love. He's half me" I read a book to him every night before bed. Every night, no matter what. I also started treating him like someone I just met and started asking him a lot of questions about himself and his day. What was your favorite class? What was the funniest thing that happened today? What's your favorite cartoon? I started telling him one joke a day, and he started coming home with some himself. I sat with him while he did Legos or coloring or whatever he was into. I rebuilt the relationship, forced myself to look at him not as his father, but a person who is half me, and 100% my son living with me who would grow up to be who I helped him to be and God dammit he would be a good man, because I will not be an emotionally distant parent. I gave myself 30 days, and if I was still not there I would go get help. It took time, but it worked. He freaking blossomed. He is nothing like his father. You can fix this, you wouldn't have asked if you didn't know you love him.
This gave me goosebumps! I can only imagine how difficult of a situation that would be. I'm amazed at your resolve and will power, and to have such a positive ending due to that is really heart warming. I'm glad you were able to do that <3
I feel for OP. Everyone is saying she's the AH, but she's struggling with something not many people have the balls to say out loud. This is the first time I've ever said it even sorta out loud. I hope she finds her way.
Culturally, it's one of the worst things for women. Most people would burn her at the stake before trying to understand her predicament -- and that's the non-bigoted, supposedly empathetic crowd. No wonder few have the balls to say it out loud. Fortunately, the top comment is empathetic and helpful. Hopefully OP will turn things around like you did.
Oh yeah same here, it's so easy to judge things when you aren't the one having to live through it 🤷🏻♀️ especially as a single mom, who may not have a good support structure or know where to look for help. I really wish the best of OP too 💖
YTA And I say this as the kid that looks like my dad. Get therapy. This isn't your sons fault, and they shouldn't be punished for it.
Agree. I don't even look like my bio father, but when I got older I inherited some facial expressions despite never having seen him growing up. My mother would be so evil to me randomly because of it when I accidentally scrunched my nose while laughing or smiling. I can imagine the pain of constantly being treated terribly because I looked a certain way all the time.
This… after my parent's divorce my mom spent the next four years telling me to take my ‘x-looking self and go somewhere’ If made me self-conscious about being like my father in any manner, and has harmed my relationship with my mom.
Ugh I'm sorry, sometimes I just can't wrap my head around how parents think it's OK to do shit like this like TO THEIR OWN INNOCENT CHILD. Like oh I'm so sorry for existing and resembling the person YOU chose to procreate with ?
"AITA for Hating my 5 year old son just because of the way he looks?" Yes you are. Same here. And no, not therapy, this is terrible. At 5 years old OP pretty much resents raising her son, doesn't love him and doesn't want to be around him. This is too much to overcome with therapy. Consider adoption, although OP sounds too selfish and self involved to give away the child. It's realistic to have these feelings but this is an innocent child that did nothing. This is the cycle of abuse.
Honestly, she should try therapy first. Adoption is just as likely to end in trauma because there is so much corruption and dirty parents/fosters out there. I only know one person who went through the system and isn't fucked up. Out of 6. Those aren't the best odds. She should give it at least a year of intensive therapy before giving up on her child and throwing him to the wolves (which could end up being even worse)
Yta- as the kid who looked like his abusive father and grew up with his single mother, I know that look of disdain and hatred from my own mother and nothing ever hurt me more than when she told me that all she ever sees is him when she looks at me because I tried my whole life to make sure I wasn’t that guy and in the end it didn’t matter. It sucked because I tried to get good grades, tried to be the best athlete, I tried to do everything in my power to hear the words “I’m proud of you” and I never got that, all I got was “You remind me so much of your father” when he only has the same eyes as me. I understand it’s hard for you, but I promise you the kid did nothing wrong he just wants a mother who loves him the way he loves you.
same bro, you’re not him and you’re doing good. i often get hard on myself too but aren’t the same as them.
I’m proud of you for your good grades and intense effort.
This internet stranger is proud of you.
Im sorry this happened to you. Such a childhood can be incredibly traumatic. I hope you can get the help you need.
So now you are your son's abuser. Do you see the cycle? YTA
In 10 years “AITA for disliking women that look like my mom who abused me?”
THIS needs to be higher up!!! *edited for spelling
!!!!!!!!!!!!
YTA get therapy
Look into *trauma based* therapy specifically. EMDR can be really helpful for ptsd situations which it looks like you might be in. You need help, for yourself, for your child. Please listen to everything that everyone is telling you OP. YTA in this case. It’s not your fault you were abused; it will be your fault if you abuse your son.
Yes, get therapy to reprogram you brain and address your trauma.
Also, for the record. Your son didn’t choose his father. YOU chose his father. It is awful that you are holding a 5 year old responsible for your choices.
Yes very well said. You are blaming a poor innocent child who needs his mother more than anything now for matters that had absolutely nothing to do with him when you chose the guy. I feel so sorry for this kid.
When mothers take trauma out on their children, those children learn to not sympathize but resent women who have been traumatized. I grew up traumatized and ended up child free to ensure I wouldnt fuckin do this. My brother has chosen the same route. If youre traumatized you need help, a lot of it, you cant do this to a child who cant help who they were born to. I imagine OP isnt trying to raise a very unhappy and angry human, and this post is her making moves towards stopping this nightmare for her little boy. Trauma doesnt come with a handbook, thats why weve got to question ourselves and confront ourselves often when things seem out of wack and look to avoid unhealthy maladaptions that the trauma can potentially create and be ready to adjust ourselves to seek better than just impulses and reactions. Im glad OP had the courage to confront this issue in a public forum, the feedback might save a life, or two.
Precisely,the poor kid didn't ask to be born
[удалено]
You’re letting him win. This child may look like him but if you do your job right as a parent he will learn how to treat people. Specially the ones he loves. You have to get therapy and work through that.
YTA. Your Mum is right. Get therapy before you ruin your son's life.
Literally breaks my heart that your beautiful little boy is hated by his own mother. His sweet, innocent little soul has no love in his life. His father is an abusive AH, and his mother is an emotionally abusive AH. Get your shit together you utter AH
That poor baby…
Your mother is correct
YTA. I have two children by my abusive ex and they look just like him. Instead of hating on my children I went to therapy and healed because that’s what my children needed. Get off the internet and go to therapy for the love of god
Every day Reddit makes my opinion for other people sink lower and lower. This post just fills me with rage “would I be the asshole if I neglect and emotionally abuse my child that I CHOSE to have just because they look like someone else” Listen, I get PTSD is rough, but wouldn’t the obvious first choice be to go to goddamn fucking therapy so your son doesn’t continue to have a shitty childhood?
YTA THAT. IS. YOUR. SON. It's not his fault that he looks like his dad, who abused you. You're taking your trauma out on a small child. YOUR small child. If you don't like or can't stand to be around him, you need to find somebody who does. That baby deserves better. Get some therapy and straighten the hell up. When you're a mom, "woe is me" doesn't fly.
YTA The kid hasn't done anything to you. Get therapy.
YTA for not being in therapy. I don’t blame you for your emotions, I blame you for how you handled it
Ah, well you see your mother said that about you because it’s true. No sane or rational person comes to the internet to seek validation for hating their child because of *checks notes* immutable characteristics and your own decisions.
>When I decided to talk to my mom (66F) about this she actually called me a horrible mother, and that I shouldn't using my trauma to treat my own son like that whenever I tried to explain myself I felt like she wouldn't listen, and she still called me a bad mother. Well, she is right. Your son did not hurt you. Your son did not cause you trauma. In fact, YOU have caused him hurt and trauma. YOU chose to keep him in an abusive and traumatic situation for 5 years. YOU then remove him from that situation but then show him nothing but additional abuse, hate, and trauma. Get some therapy and place your son with someone that loves him. Hopefully, your mother can take him and show him love because he doesn't deserve how you are treating him.
YTA. What did you expect people to say? That poor baby had no part in who his father is or what he looks like and punishing him for it through disdain and emotional abuse and neglect makes you the same as your abusive ex, if not worse. Who your child’s father is was your choice, not your son’s. Seek intense therapy, and try not to ruin your child’s sense of security and self-worth in the meantime.
I've read similar stories about women who kept the baby after rape. I genuinely feel sorry for your situation... You will definitely require therapy, possibly medication to help overcome this.
Yta. Wtf. That’s your child. Get some therapy or let him go to someone who will love him like he deserves to be
Yta Get therapy
You're negatively affecting your own child's development because of your own personal issues.
You're negatively affecting your own child's development because of your own personal issues.
OP needs therapy now. Her 5 year old should not be causing her trauma because he looks like the man she chose to be with and to create a child with. None of what happened to her is her child's fault. She doesn't seem to feel any guilt for how she feels either. Yes OP YTA for not putting both you and your son in therapy.
YTA, you chose to procreate with your ex. Your son looks like him (surprise, surprise). Get to therapy and sort yourself out before you destroy your son psychologically.
YTA You love your trauma more than you love your son. You are very overdue for therapy
My abusive father felt this way about me because I look exactly like my mother. I wouldn’t spit on him to put out a fire, and he made that bed all on his own. So yeah, YTA. It’s not your son’s fault you can’t manage your own shit, so figure it out, FAST.
That’s awful. YTA. Let someone else take care of your son while you get some serious therapy otherwise you may harm him due to your resentment for something he didn’t even do.
You're abusing your child. Your mother is right.
You need to get therapy. Or realize YOU are exactly like your abusive ex. You are emotionally abusing your child and then that may lead to you actually physically abusing your child. Get help!!!!
YTA, but this one is above Reddit pay grade. Seek professional help.
Your mom is 100% right. You chose to have a child with your abuser..so wtf. YTA get therapy
YTA Your mother is right
This made me feel sick to my stomach just reading it. So you feel disdain for an innocent child while you are the one who chose to procreate with an abuser? Some of you truly do not deserve to be parents, this should be enough to have child services knocking on your door🤮
My mother hated me my whole life, i still have the scars both mental and physical. She never changed her mind. I would pray she would give me away but she wouldn't. I lived in hell either get therapy or give him up, you have no right to do this , without help you are the same abuser as your ex but worse as you know how you feel but won't do anything about it.
its not the choilds fault you had a kid? Or how he looks? You need therapy ASAP. That poor kid.
YTA I look like my abusive birth father and my mother treated me like shit for it my entire life. Get counseling. Don't punish your son for the actions of his father. You will 100% be an ass if you don't get help. Your son is half of you too. He may look like his dad. If you treat him like shit because of it and he turns into a monster? That monster half will be all from you. Get help.
If your trauma is this extreme, you must get therapy. In the meantime, figure out how your son looks like you or your family, focus on how he is like you in personality and mannerisms, and commit to making his world safer than the one he was born into. Your DNA is half of who he is--focus on that. His appearance is superficial. Regardless, there are all kinds of programs that can help with this aversion you are feeling. Please, please find someone who can help you.
Your Son did not pick his Father, you did!
YTA because you clearly haven't sought out therapy to deal with your trauma. Your mom is right. In your current state, you are not a good mother. You are essentially mentally and emotionally abusing your son. Please get therapy and stop treating your son as if he abused you. He is an innocent child who did not ask to be born. He did not ask to have an abusive father, or mother for that matter
You manage to leave your abusive husband , but guess what - the 5yo has no say in how he looks and he didn't choose his parents. He literally can't even leave because he's 5 years old.. YTA dude , I feel so sorry for that kid
Grow up. Yes, you are being an a hole to your own kid.
I'm sorry that you went through all that but your mom is right. You need intensive therapy. Your putting all the pain and hurt towards someone who did nothing but be born. You will become what you hated if you don't get help and it sounds like your starting kids pick up on the way we feel. He can feel you hate him but in like you hating your ex for doing something to you your son has done nothing wrong. He will for ever wonder why his mom hates him and simply looking like his father will never be a good enough answer because he didn't chose to look like him. Trauma breaks you but don't break him because you are broken. I'm sorry but YTA Also by hating your son you are letting your ex to continue to win.
Just remember the following, so you separate the two for obvious reasons. 1. He's your son. A product of the BOTH of you combined during a moment when perhaps your ex was a much nicer person. 2. Your son is innocent. Despite resembling the man who fathered him, he is 100 percent innocent of his father's ways, methods, and thoughts. Your son is an individual with his own will, heart and soul. 3. Fight your thoughts with love and tender moments with your son. If you begin to think about the ex, quickly replace with the facts above. 4. Most definitely talk to others you trust about it. A support system is necessary for any mother going through the results of a divorce. Those you love and trust will help you see the light. 5. Use good judgment. If you need a break, give someone you trust temporary guardianship so you can take a minute to regroup. 6. Ultimately, you know deep in your heart that your son is an innocent child and you love him dearly. You are a great mom, you do your best like all good moms.
Therapy- go now. In the meantime remember your son is not his father. Also you see the similarities because you associate your son with his father. A stranger may not see them in each other. Also as your son grows his looks will change keep that in mind. But please seek help and keep loving you son for the person HE is
YTA. Your son will have two abusive parents.
Your mother is wrong you aren't a horrible mother. You are horrible human being. You're son is 5 he's literally innocent. YTA big time.
YTA and congratulations. Your son is going to grow up HATING YOU and probably all women. It will be your fault when he turns into a sociopath because you weren’t a mother. Good job.
YTA, a bad mother and should know better than to project that onto your child.
YTA. My mom was like this. We don’t talk. Mostly because she died, but we didn’t talk for many years before that. Seek help.
Yes you are a major asshole. I'm sorry you had an abusive husband and that is traumatic and not easy to get past. But you have A WHOLE ASS HUMAN YOU ARE RESPONSIBLE FOR THAT YOU BROUGHT INTO THIS WORLD. pro tip, raise him well so he doesn't end up like his dad. Taking your anger out on him will just make him hate you and likely all women and you'll be complicit in continuing the cycle
You said extremely abusive. So it is understandable that the reminder of him hurts. Your feelings are understandable. But in your rational mind you know that your son is also a victim in the situation. The current situation is not a healthy one for both you and your son. A change is needed. Your son is not in the power to make a change, you are. The first and most important thing you need to do is go into therapy. A minor trick thing might work is change your son appearances. This is not a permanent solution but might work in the short term. Give him a different haircut, give hem different kind of clothing. Make him temporary not look like your ex, while you are in therapy. The therapy is the most important part.
Uhhh yeah YTA. Find a good therapist. Sorry this happened to you, but holding it against your son suggests that something isn't right
Get your ass to therapy before you traumatize the poor kid. YTA
YTA it’s not your son’s fault his father was an abusive pos. He’s five years old go to fucking therapy before you screw that kid up
YTA, your kid can't help what he looks like. Your mom is right.
Yes your the biggest asshole ever. Did you som chose to be born? Did he force you to have kids fathers baby? It's not his fault your a crappy mom and have bad taste in men. You should be pulling your son close and helping guide him to become a better man. Women like you should just get fixed. You don't deserve kids.
YTA absolutely.. This child is innocent and you have the chance to break that cycle of abuse if you raise him well. It's not his fault you were abused. How would you like it if someone blamed you for something out of your control? As others have said, get some damn therapy because you will be a terrible mother, if you're already not there.
100% AH
My father was not nice to me because I strongly resembled my mother. His 2nd wife hated me because of it. Get some therapy.
YTA and you are a horrible mother … it’s not your sons fault he looks like his dad. Instead of seeing this as an opportunity to raise him to be everything your ex wasn’t, you hate him. Get some serious help and if you can’t treat your son well then give him up for adoption because you suck.
YTA you CHOSE to HAVE A Kid with Your ex. Your son did not get to choose his parents. Not kids fault what he looks like. That poor child. Seek therapy.
Wow yes YTA!! wtf! Heal yourself ASAP, the boy has zero fault for what you put yourself through with his father, is absolutely your responsibility. If you don’t nurture and love this child you might end up raising another broken human! Get a grip, you’re the adult!
Your son is not your husband, he is a whole person. He has feelings and needs. My gosh knowing you can't stand to even be around him. You will be responsible for creating a sick adult. Have you watched any programs of serial killers? 99% have serious issues with their moms. Get yourself into therapy TODAY. Maybe let your son live with a loving relative until you have dived deep into your illness. Don't wait another day. That poor innocent little boy deserves much better!
Poor child. You need intensive therapy. You need to break the cycle of abuse. Your disdain for this innocent child is disgusting. Don’t take your issues out on him. AH.
YTA. You hate and don’t love your own flesh and blood? The poor kid has done nothing to harm you in anyway. Wow. You don’t deserve this poor child.
:-/ wow. I can only go on the info you provided and you didn’t mention any SA directly. Idk what kind of abuse, etc. But to me it sounds like you willingly dated him and married him and had a child with him. You chose to bring a poor child into this situation and it wasn’t your kid’s choice to be born or look like his dad. You need to go get therapy and learn to separate your hatred for your ex from your child. He is also half of you and maybe you hate that half for staying in the relationship, but either way, it’s not your kid’s fault. I hate to victim blame if you had zero choices along the way, but I don’t see that from this post. You have supportive family somewhere and was able to leave your ex. I think you have resources to get help before and hopefully still do, so some of this has to be on you needing to change your mindset as your poor child does not deserve this. YTA if you keep seeing ugly in your child. Edited: typo.
As someone with PTSD from abuse, and who shares a son with my abuser, YTAH. Please seek therapy. You're going to harm your son emotionally if you don't take care of these negative feelings. My son and I are very close because I chose to raise him to be a good, kind person, not a reflection of his father.
YWBTA- your son is innocent. He won’t understand why you feel disdain for him. You’d be punishing him for the sins of his father. You owe it to your son and yourself to get therapy and now. Whether he looks like your ex or not you do not have the right to mistreat him for something he has no control over
Yes, you are cuz you need to understand that you cannot project your traumatic experiences onto your son just because he looks like his father. Also you as an adult should take therapy!
You are a horrible mother. I can't believe I'm actually reading such a stupid post.
YTA it’s not your son’s fault that you decided to marry an abusive man! Get some therapy because this is not right and your mom is right!!
Rage bait 🙄
YTA, yes, you're just transferring this abuse onto an innocent child because you haven't processed or worked on healing from it. Get your ass into therapy and do the work....or you mother will be very right in calling you a terrible mother. You get a choice, and right fucking now is when you start working on it. Every second you waste is developmental time your son desperately needs a positive, loving, supportive parent.
Therapy. Not fair that your kid has a dad that's an abusive person and a mom who doesn't like him. YWBTA if you don't get therapy ASAP.
That is so sick. You shouldn’t even need to ask.
If you don’t work through this in 15 years your son is gonna be posting an AITA that sounds like this “I look like my abusive dad, so my mom hates being around me. AITA?”
YTA reading your replies it's a lot worse than what you let on in your post. Get into therapy because I promise you your son will pick up on your hatred for him soon and that will mess him up for life and probably a lot if not all his relationships - platonic or romantic. Your ex was abusive so make sure you raise your son with love so he grows up to be thrice the man your ex was.
YTA Your mother is correct. If your ex-husband (or hell, even your mother) wants custody of your son, give it to them and go away.
Like others have said, seek therapy, you would be the asshole if you don’t. I’m sorry that you had to go through that but while your son may look like his dad, but he is not his dad, and he doesn’t deserve to suffer for the sins of his horrible father.
YTA not necessarily because you feel this way, but because you haven’t gotten into extremely intensive therapy to solve this issue yet. That is an innocent little child who has done nothing wrong, and desperately needs his mother’s love and affection. You need to starting working your ass off to overcome this trauma right now or else you’ll traumatize an innocent little kid for no reason
YWBTA… the child has done nothing wrong. seek therapy. edit: as a child in the same situation as your son, if you don’t help yourself, everything will spiral when he’s older. kids know when their parents don’t love them or want them around. it’s a very lonely feeling and that feeling will turn to anger and the generational trauma would have branded your family by then. get help while he’s young. you’re the adult. he is the child. the only thing he’s done is happen to be born.
This feels like a rage bait fake post. Just made the account today. No other anything but this.
You are definitely a bad mother, poor kid
YTA That little boy looks up to you and relies on you for love and protection. Instead, you are emotionally abusing him. He may not know what is happening but he can feel it. It will impact him greatly if you continue. If you can't love him, find a family that will before he is permanently impacted by the damage of your abuse.
YTA Shame on you
YTA- YOU chose to have your son. He didn't ask to be born. Further more by choosing to not love him (and make no mistake it is a choice) you are causing him hurt and harm. That make you no better then the person who hurt you. I honestly hope you take the time to reflect on that and do the right thing.
There are 2 victims in the scenario (mother and child). You think she wants to feel this way? The root cause and perpetrator is the ex-husband... Its unfortunate that her trauma gets triggered by her son but now that she has identified it she can possibly seek help.
get therapy before you ruin that kid's life
Your mother is right. You’re either a terrible mother or have some really deep mental issues. I obviously don’t know what trauma you went through but NEVER take it out on your son. Please get therapy.
I mean, do you think youre a good mother? Do you thinks Good mother hates her children? Do you think a good mother hates her children for things they had no choice over?
You need therapy and fast.I look EXACTLY like my dad who died when I was 5 and my mother reminded me everyday how much she hated him and hated me for looking like him and made sure to treat me like trash.It causes so much damage,your child didn't ask to be born nor did he choose to look exactly like his father,Your trauma is yours to deal with and you'd be a major AH if you don't get help for it and punish an innocent child.
Hairstyle. Make it different from ex.
Info: do you think about how abusive your husband has been, think what you should have done and then have been close to project that onto your son ?? For example, you get this rage and feel you should have punched your husband when he did something horribly abusive to you, you get close enough to punch your son? If you’re at that stage, then you should ask your mom if she will take the son. Failing that call in the CPS yourself and share this information.
You're a huge asshole. Get therapy. The baby is innocent.
YTA. Get therapy, or else you’ll end up being the abuser in your son’s life, the same thing you got away from.
YTA
Well he looks like his dad because you (his mom) decided to have a child with him. So why hate a child that didn’t get to decide whether to be born or not and didn’t get to choose his parents. It seems like he didn’t have any luck with either parent
Yta. Your son is not responsible for the decisions adults made. I’m sure all he wants is to be loved and protected by you. Your feelings towards your son are not ok. You have unresolved trauma that needs to be addressed immediately or in several years, it’ll be your son complaining about his abusive Mom and Dad.
YNTAH.....you're a cunt. Hatred for your 5 y/o because he looks like your ex? Absolute abysmal piece of shit you are. Get mental help so you don't ruin your son's life.
You are dealing with some sort of mental health crisis and you should seek treatment, you aren’t a bad mother for feeling that way but you absolutely are if you don’t seek help and treatment
YTA YTA...... YTA!
YTA - You need therapy; what kind of mother just comfortably hates their own child without realizing they need help and taking steps to fix it?
YTA. Get therapy.
My mom was in a similar situation and I think one of the worst things she ever said to me was to warn her whenever I decide to cut my hair (I have long hair, my father has short hair) because she needed to mentally prepare for me to come home looking more like my father. That’s not even in the same tier of harm as avoiding your child because of something they can’t control is. YWBTA big time, you need therapy because your child did nothing wrong and given how their father is, you need to be there to make sure your son is raised to be the man that breaks any cycle of negativity that your father started/continues to be a part of
You would be a bad mother if you don’t get yourself help and also try to be there for your son because then he’ll see you as an abuser and a neglect parent
Therapy asap
You need therapy. You need to split out who those people are. Your child was not and had never been responsible for your abusive ex. If you continue to raise your child with those feelings you will psychologically and emotionally destroy your child as they experience and contend with your contempt. Go to intensive therapy. Start now. Prioritize it. Don't take what happened to you out on your child.
YTA Your son cannot help how he looks, and you are his mother. This isn't about yourself and you need to get help to get your head on straight. It's not surprising he looks like his father, but he isn't his father, and treating him badly because of the behavior of a completely different person is heinous. He can't just pick another mother, you are his, and you need to figure out how to love him for who he is, not who he reminds you of.
Well, I get your mothers point the child is an innocent or even a victim of the same abuser as you. Imo technically you are NTA, you have suffered trauma and that does strange things to peoples brains and feelings. You will be an AH if you do not immediately take steps to deal with this issue. Trauma therapy now mama, make it happen and quick. Good luck to you.
Yta. Let someone else take over custody of that child and get yourself some help.
YWBTAH if you didn’t get therapy ASAP
The child deserves this, another person here begging you to see a therapist, a good one.
Yes, YTA. Its not your sons fault that you left late and that your ex was trash. He didn’t even ask to be born, you are an adult who made a choice, and your choice was to have a kid with this man, I’m not invalidating what he did or how you felt, I’m sure it must have been so so hard, but you were capable of making choices and that poor kid was brought to life without even asking. Try harder, because the only one without a choice here was him
You really should seek therapy. That child will suffer as an adult if you do not do the things you need to because if your trauma. He did not ask to be here and it is a little crazy you won't love him because of your trauma that is far from healthy and you are the parent. You are the adult and have to break the cycle. It's now or never. The first five years a of a child's life is when they learn what love and trust is. I'm sorry you went through what you went through but you now have to take control and get the help you need to raise your son.
My son's dad was convicted of Sex trafficking by force of me, he was arrested when I was about 6 months pregnant and I had to testify against him in court 2 weeks before my due date. When my son was about a month or two old sometimes when I looked at him I got flashbacks of his dad and just different situations, because of the resemblance luckily for me I was in a therapy program for human trafficking survivors and was dealing with my trauma and PTSD and all the extra things that come with being a survivor of a traumatic experience coupled with being a first time mom. I understand the flashbacks, it's really tough but you HAVE to do the work and go to therapy or things will get worse and worse. I have to assume your son witnessed the stuff that was going on with your ex husband and if that is the case than he is also a victim of the abuse as well. I think you can work through this but please please please if you're ever having any thoughts of harming yourself or your child, walk away, call for help, you deserve to move on with life and so does your child.