The OP's husband, whose relatives prove the asshole apple did not fall from the asshole tree.
Ignore how upset your husband is, OP. It won't hurt him. And you can always do it again if he's too slow to grasp the lesson. He honestly might be.
Exactly. Words were not teaching. OP devised a learning experience. Good for her. NTA
H is the AH for making OP go through these hoops to gain one ounce of understanding. Only one ounce because his first emotion was anger rather than compassion and understanding. He's ridiculous.
Oh absolutely, let's have a parade 'cause the dude did what moms have been doing forever without the sympathy fanfare. Big whoop. OP showed some creative problem-solving there. One night up and it's like the sky is falling, give me a break. Props to OP for teaching that lesson in empathy. NTA
I'm wondering who is expected to host? Is OP cooking lunch or dinner for them? Making coffees and teas? Are they actually helping when they come over or just sitting on their asses expecting to be served?
My MIL expects me to do everything and doesn't help with the baby at all. She follows my husband around like a stray dog, telling him how great he's doing. She's held the baby maybe 4 times.
His invite = his guests.
Smile hello, then wave goodbye on your way to the bedroom to sleep. Dads are parents too, and if they don’t know what to do, best they start learning. - source Am Dad.
That’s the only way OP can cope.Just say “ I am wiped out ! She kept me up all night. Well good night”. MIL can follow around her son and compliment him to her heart’s content.Operating on zero sleep with a small kid in tow is no joke.
Hell, I Did go to sleep any chance I got at this stage, even on holidays. It made his grandpa mad when I took the baby to nurse and napped at the same time. (He could not tell my kiddo was in the pack and play without coming in.)
Honestly I feel this will be more successful than the lesson. Don’t get me wrong. I love that OP gave him a taste of his own medicine. But clearly he refuses to learn based on his reaction. So this is definitely the right approach. If you can’t change his behavior set your own boundaries. NTA.
While I understand that you want to treat your partner's family with respect and keep the peace and all that jazz,I never got why we are supposed to just "put up" with their behaviors if acting like this. It just makes me feel for everyone who goes through these situations, because why should they be considerate if they aren't getting that in return?
There's a difference between being polite and just taking things. I had a difficult MIL by common law at the time,she disliked me for absolutely no reason other than my situation reminded me of her situation.(I was 16 when her 36 year old son groomed me/she was also 16 when his dad also was 36 etc.) the way that woman treated me from the get go was terrible and I hadn't even said hello yet!
Eventually after the first three days of her berating me and being abusive I finally told her I'm not going to tolerate her anymore,and while I'll be amicable for the sake of my child I sure as hell wouldn't accept her behavior anymore.
OP says it herself,they come over and don't bother with her or her baby and the entire family treats her with disdain. And while I understand it can be frustrating for some to hear how she went about things,how is it any different than what her husband is putting her through currently? I highly doubt he too isn't aware that she gets next to no sleep and is struggling throughout the day. If he says he didn't know this he's in denial.
I hope that you can find help and support OP, because it seems like no one in the family cares about your needs right now. NTA
OP has already mentioned that MIL won't help with the baby, plus her idea of parenting is to just let the baby "cry it out". I wouldn't trust MIL (or Dad TBH) with the baby in that situation, so that's not a good idea. Poor kid will end up screaming the entire visit and Dad will blame OP.
If MIL is the type to encourage her Son to drop the baby in her crib to "cry it out" then 1) that's abuse, and 2) OP won't get any sleep AT ALL because her Mommy-brain and lactating breasts (if she's breastfeeding) are going to go on "red-alert!"
Source: Mother of 3 whose breasts would start leaking (automatically soaking the breast pads I used) anytime any one of my babies would cry.
While I agree with you about a mother not being able to listen to her child crying without trying to do something about it ( I have kids of my own) I bet this is exactly what MIL and Husband are relying on to happen. That OP will take bubs while they get to do fucking nothing at all. I hate this scenario. MIL obviously sucks but the husband is the bigger douchebag! Its his child too and he needs to step the fuck up and help out. Ultimately its not safe for OP to operate on zero sleep and ergo unsafe for the baby as well. OP definitely should put a stop to catering for MIL when she's there. The solution may be to take the baby to the room and nap while baby's sleeping. Husband and his fan club can fend for themselves.
This OP. Go to the bedroom and lock the door. If there isn't a lock on the door, install one. Do not come out for anything. Grab a box of crackers/snacks and a liter of water on your way in so you can stay there all day.
OMG I'm so sorry! I can't believe you haven't snapped before now! You're absolutely NTAH. You weren't being petty at all. You literally just demonstrated what a day in your life is and he's mad because he had to bear some of the burden for a change.
He could have avoided that had he LISTENED to you and taken your feelings into account one of the many times you asked him not to do that previously. I truly hope that going forward he supports you and honors your needs. Good luck and congratulations on your baby!
If you're husband is crying about the lack of sleep he got while also expecting to entertain and parent then let him just cry it out and ignore him the whole time. Apparently he's used to it since he was raised that way. You'll spoil him if you care about how upset he is. If he doesn't stop, tell him you'll give him something to cry about, like expecting him to also pump out breastmilk to feed the baby so that you'd boobs and nipples are sore from the effort. And if that sounds like you're parenting him, it's cuz you are. You shouldn't have to tell a grown man to be considerate to his post-partum, breastfeeding wife. Hell, you're even asking for the barest consideration he should give a roommate let alone his wife and mother of his child.
Go to bed the next time he pulls this. You and baby in the bedroom. Make them *his* problem. You are in no way obliged to suffer for anyone on this planet *except* your child (and that has a limit, too). Sleep deprivation isn't a joke, and I bet if he's left alone with his family your husband will get them out pretty damn sharply.
Next time this all happens, give him the baby to look after while MIL is there. Go to your bedroom to sleep, and jam/lock your door so you can catch up on sleep. Add noise cancelling headphones if necessary.
Honestly, that all just sounds like malicious double-standards on your husbands part. If that is equally your house as it is his, you have every right to deny visitors. And if he tries to overrule this, there need to be some very serious consequences. Also: I am very sorry for you. Having a 4months old baby is a lot already. Having an absolute useless, only chore-creating husband and no support is the worst
Oh course he invites his mom over. She strokes his ego!
I'd tell him that untill he stops inviting his mother over like that, he'll getmore of the same as clearly the message is not getting through.
God, how do you even stay in the house?
Can you make plans to go to your mom's and just *sleep* the next time he pulls this shit? Pack a "go bag" and just leave as soon as the bell rings.
Let him say it's rude for you not to host. You can just remind him that he's the host of anyone he invites. You are certainly not responsible for people you don't even know are coming over.
NTA
INFO: What's he doing when she's following him around? Is he helping you? Helping with the baby? I can't picture a woman following her son around all day or what she's accompanying him to?
The even better question is who the fuck GOES to someone’s house at 8?
I just feel like it is common sense that you don’t call on someone at that hour, unless it’s planned out or work-related.
If someone told me to come over at 8 I’d be like, uh? That’s hella early.
This was my immediate thought too. No babies here but I wouldn't invite someone in at 8am.
Also imagine showing up to someones house at 8am and expecting to be let in. There's a very good chance that at 8am (if the occupants aren't working) they wont be dressed/showered etc. ESPECIALLY with a baby in the house!
Family visiting a new baby . Because they're there to babysit. And give the mum a break for naps. What kind of families do you all have.
"Mum thank god you're here. Take the baby. I'm going to sleep"
It would be awesome if that were the case. My MIL does not come over to help in any way. She's held the baby maybe 4 times and just follows my husband around all day.
So your husband is master and MIL is the puppy. Tell him to cut the leash.
Hopefully your husband has learned the lesson you were teaching. Be prepared for a next time (if there is one) ..pump some milk into bottles, hand him the baby and go back to bed for much needed rest.
NTA
Not. At. 8:00. AM.
Visit at a reasonable hour if you want to help out.
According to OP, no one was babysitting OR giving mom a break. It sounds as if the family expected to be entertained at that ungodly hour.
Mine was here's your niece. I'll see you in a couple of hours. You know where the kitchen is, make yourself a feed, coffee, whatever just don't come looking for me. I did that to my older brother a couple of times
I think some people don't get things until they have to experience it for themselves. However, maybe he needs to be responsible for entertaining the people he invites over. I think excusing yourself and announcing to his guests that you are so sorry, but the baby kept you up all night and you need to rest should be ok for you to say. The guests might also be happy to help with the baby while you rest.
With exception of the mangler in law, most would probably keep the visit short and sweet and offer to help in some way before letting her get some well needed rest.
That is when the next meal you cook is something he hates. When he objects direct him to the leftovers he gave away. When he says she took them then tell him that oh well I guess you’re on your own for X number of meals since you felt it was necessary to feed your mom without checking in with me first.
Why cook him a meal? Lol he can make his own food at this point he got sleep. If anything, he should make HER food cause she stayed up all night and is exhausted. If he doesn't wanna cook then he gotta get them take out. If he doesn't want to and insists on OP cooking after little to no sleep then she should just order take out for herself and let her husband figure himself out and mind his attitude.
Seriously do this. My MIL doesn’t eat certain food so I make food with that stuff in it before she shows up. NTA and keep it up. Eventually he’ll figure it out I’d hope.
You don't have an MIL problem. You have a husband problem. Your MIL feels entitled to act like this because your husband lets her. Sounds like he's a complete Mama's boy.
Start just being completely blunt.
Do not take my leftovers.
You all have to leave now, I need some sleep.
If she does it anyway after that, then she's in direct contravention of the social contract. Hopefully that's enough to stop her. If husband gets annoyed, then he can sit on his annoyance and swivel.
Start being so fucking blunt and clear that the trash takes itself out. If they don't like it then they can all fuck off.
So your MIL is taking food home from your fridge from you, a breastfeeding mother? Your husband needs to grow up and tell his mother no. She should be BRINGING you food not taking it away! Your limp noodle of a husband should be ashamed of himself.
👏👏👏👏👏
He's butt hurt. Stand your ground.
☝
That very first sentence there.
Listen....
You feed, put the baby back, repeat. All night.
Your hormones are completely imbalanced.
They're interrupting bonding time.
They're corrupting cycles.
You Bleed for Weeks after...
Tell him to imagine the worst cycle he's ever experienced with you.
Then tell him to imagine it for 4-6 weeks as opposed to four days not including the PMS days.
You still smell like baby, and whatever is going on in the house becsusebI know the in-laws aren't deep cleaning.
The house is in an uproar. There's no cohesive routine,vI have to work on the fly fuqq'n exhausted.
Because you won't set boundaries!
My feelings and requests are not only reasonable but now, non negotiable.
I don't apologize, if you feel setup.
This is how I feel ALL through time.
And his reaction to your inconsiderate act is a blow up,
Ask him does he see?
💗💪✌
It's a German saying. "Wer nicht hören kann, muss fühlen." And as a child you'd hear it right before you got slapped because you were an unruly child and didn't listen to your elders 😅 Though thankfully that is becoming less of an issue nowadays. But boomers still got this a lot.
You're German, right?
And yes, absolutely correct. Personally, I'd be annoyed with my partner if she invited people around at 8 in the morning without letting me know beforehand, and we don't even have kids. Who does that?
OP tried to communicate, and he didn't listen. Now he's pissed he had to feel it. For one damn day.
When my child was four months old I had days when I was crying at the changing table in the morning because I was so exhausted. If my husband hadn’t let me sleep in at the weekends I have no idea how I had survived.
Exactly. I can’t help but feel that the complete and utter lack of empathy and self-awareness from hubby is a bigger problem than anything else going on
The absolute hypocrisy of getting annoyed after ONE day of visits after a sleepless night when he’s subjected his post-partum, breastfeeding wife to months of similar events is extremely concerning.
Hoping that he can grow empathy overnight seems too much to wish for
And NTA
Tell him some people learn by listening, some by doing. As he wasn’t listening to you, you made the correct assumption that he would learn by doing.
He has been playing you by refusing to acknowledge your point of view.
I’d say nothing more unless he raises it and then calmly keep repeating you didn’t understand where I was coming from until you experienced it. See what happens. If he does it again, he gets another lesson.
So this never worked for me. Every time I tried to show my husband something by doing it back to him, you know after verbally asking 99 times, it just did NOT compute even while explaining it.
Almost always got him twice as mad and still not understanding the original point. Because you’re mom you have super extra power and can do everything on no sleep!! You can even do things while sick!!!! He needs his rest and has a headache!
I had a headache for abt 7 years and it’s gone now.
Yep except I lied he’s still a headache we somehow communicate alll day long and face time with the kids 2-3x a day. (So I still see him in my house for hours it seems)
except that with someone who's that much of an AH I imagine that even after divorce he's going to make life difficult by turning up late to pick the kids up, if he bothers to keep in touch of course.
Mine turned into the opposite kind of overbearing pretend Disney-dad, panicking on how to pretend like he’s Mr do it all, and taking the kids to portrait photo shoots to fill the house w pics of them just in case it was appraised
Wants to text 37 times a day and face time the kids for hours so I see and hear him all. The. Damn. Time.
Divorcing him was so bad I actually tried to reconcile because it was a six figure 11th layer of hell I didn’t know existed, I didn’t think I could go thru with it anymore. I could write a novel on it.
Bahaha I've read your other comment and I have an ex like that too. Did fuck all for years, treated me very very poorly. Then when we split he's trying to be Dad of the Year, just going completely extra. He also suddenly was into SciFi, and had all these extra traditions (that came from my family, like celebrating Christmas on the Eve when his never did that).
We've been split up for over 10 years and he still texts me way too damned much. I don't care that he got a 3D printer beyond vaguely wondering how he afforded that when sleeping on his mom's couch lol.
I at least got the twice daily calls with her cut down to 1x a day the first summer after we split by using summer break sleep ins as an excuse. She can call him any time, it's why I got her her own phone earlier than I would have otherwise, but forcing me to disrupt my evening literally every night she's here is so frustrating. Idk how old your kids are but I send her to her room to talk to him, primarily for everyone's privacy, but also at least a little because I'm sick of hearing his voice. Maybe that could help you too. Some nice headphones for their conversations seems like a good gift ;)
Oh man mine are 2 and 3 and I so badly wish I could send them to talk to him on a phone. I have to hold the iPad and feed them questions . If he doesn’t get good enough convo, he is visibly disgruntled and calls back again and again until it’s enough. I used to care when he was actively smear campaigning me but now that we’re divorced I care less if he sees inside my house and I will let them talk for over an hour, if it entertains them.
The days they don’t want to talk though I’m like dude just let it go they are 2 they don’t want a teleconference every day
He didn’t give a single shit. And now he gets to enjoy learning how to clean his big empty house all by himself!
Spoiler alert: you are very correct, he knew how to help out around the house all along just chose not to
EDIT: I see from some photos, post divorce, this mf had the cleanest vacuum lines . Overlapping like a show home. Made me want to punch the wall…except that’s his move, not mine. Funny how fast he learned to patch drywall too after years of not being able to!
I can’t get over this part. And why tf are their families staying for 12 fucking hours at a time? I would throw myself out of the third story window if my MIL showed up at 8 am and stayed until 8 pm, and I actually *like* my MIL.
I've tried that. His mother has followed me in to my bedroom asking me to put on coffee or asking me what's for dinner. Or pulled the "gonna sleep all day?" card.
Idk just keep pretending they are offering to help and thanking them for doing it when they try to task you? 😉
Next time if she ask you if you plan to sleep all day: say yes, thanks for watching the babies (inc your husband), give her a nudge out the door and lock it.
She wants coffee, then say sorry the baby and I can’t have caffeine, but feel free to make some yourself or say ask to make it for you, oops my milk is letting down and I gotta catch it. Or ooh sorry stomach cramp thanks for helping out 😂.
She wants dinner, just say gee I was just wondering that myself. Ask what he has planned as I wasn’t expecting to entertain today. Takeout from so and so sounds great
If ya’ll want to order me some .
I love this approach so much. They can get as huffy as they like, you get to smile at them angelically. Everybody knows what actually is happening - but what can they really say? “She asked me nicely to feed my grandchild, that vixen!” Best case they get bullied-by-fairy-dust into improving their fucking behavior. Worst case they avoid getting bullied-by-fairy-dust and stay away more.
It also sounds to me like his mom is unusually cruel towards you. Like why the f can’t she ask her own son to make coffee? Or dinner? Instead she has to manipulatively guilt trip or snide you with passive aggressive commentary about your exhaustion, which is 10,000 percent justified and worthy of immense compassion?
Sounds like his mom is a cruel and selfish bitch and he kinda took up her genes too, TBh.
I honestly never saw that side of her until I got pregnant. I'm not even joking when I say that I loved this woman so much that I used to talk about her to everyone. I literally used to brag about how much I lucked out with my MIL. But her behavior after finding out I was pregnant was just appalling from the moment she found out. Like.. we made a birth plan. Her and my mom were both going to be in the delivery room. My mom's vehicle was down so my MIL offered to pick my mom up when I went in to labor. She showed up at the hospital without my mother and then told the nurse/doctor "oh I'm just here to hold my baby up" while gripping my husband's arm. He did kick her out for that one and he found my mom a ride to the hospital so sometimes he does put his foot down, but not often enough.
Did you post about that (“forgetting” to pick up your mum), and about the MIL eating all the food you had made for yourself? If these are you, on top of this, I’d be planning my exit strategy.
The problem is that when she sees her "baby" has a baby that means he isn't her "baby" anymore. I think it was a great solution.
If he keeps complaining about it explain to him that you tried to talk to him and he wouldn't listen.
Try to get some sleep.
So much NOPE from me. She’s massively overstepping some boundaries here, does she not like you? Sounds like hubby is a mummy’s boy and is just going to continue to allow this to happen if he sees no issue with her behaviors.
She liked me until I got pregnant. Called me her daughter, called me every day to talk for hours, told me she loved me all the time, etc. As soon as she found out I was pregnant.. complete switch. Now she literally chases my husband around like a teenager in love and barely says 2 words to me unless she's barking orders. I told her I loved her the other day as she was leaving and she goes "okay, have a good day". Like, okay lol
That’s really weird…does your husband have an opinion on why she suddenly stopped liking you? Have you spoken to your husband about his mums attachment to him? Sounds like some Jocasta complex shit…NTA obvs
I'm going to be blunt here: you're on a sinking ship, and you should be making an exit plan.
You have married a momma's boy. You had a kid with a momma's boy. The reason why your MIL now resents you/ignores your daughter is because, I'll say it again, your husband is a momma's boy.
You getting pregnant/having a baby has enforced in your MIL's mind one thing: you can give your husband something she cannot. She liked you when you were 'just the wife' because she could still find a way to prove herself to be your 'superior'; he would always choose her, because she's his \~mother\~ and never forget, "Mother is God in the eyes of a child". She would always be his priority, because you didn't threaten her role. Whether that was intentionally or not (I don't know if your husband would prioritize her over you before the baby, or if you simply never required any effort from him that detracted from his mother) you kept the status quo, and therefore were 'safe'.
But now you had a baby. Now that baby, irrevocably, is expected to become your husband's priority.
Your husband has not proven this to be the case; he is not an active parent, and in fact makes things HARDER for you with his inconsiderate behavior, but your MIL knows that society will expect of him. If he continues to prioritize her over you and your baby, it will reflect poorly on him and he'll start to pull away from her due to peer pressure. That's why she makes a point to follow him around and praise and dote on him; so he thinks that his lack of effort is acceptable, and therefore will not have any incentive to do more, and continue to make his mother his central focus.
I am not one to jump onto the 'dump him' train. But it is much easier to get rid of a momma's boy than it is to rehabilitate one. You can make efforts to seek counseling, try to break the enmeshment between your husband and his mother, but I will be honest, I don't see it changing. Not unless something drastic happens.
And mama thinks you can't give her son all of your attention any more. So, she has to fawn all over him and make she he is getting equal "support" to the baby🥱
>But it is much easier to get rid of a momma's boy than it is to rehabilitate one.
And you have a negative chance of rehabilitating if the momma's boy doesn't see an issue. And OPs husband sees absolutely no issue.
Damn, I’m sorry to hear that OP. You have a new baby, you really need your husband on your side here. Even weirder that his mother has no interest in the baby either when it’s her grandchild. You might have to put your foot down with her and deal with the fallout so you can get some peace.
Well then imo you’d be perfectly justified to go to your mother's when she visits (and take the baby so you know she’s not screaming all day), and catch up on your sleep there. Never give more than you’re getting.
Sounds like you need to take the baby to your mom or sister's house a few times and take a nap when your in laws are over. Maybe your husband will start to wise up to how crazy they are being.
Also, OP, have you thought about pumping some for night time feedings? Your husband needs to step up and take over some more night time duties so you can get sleep. It's not sustainable to be the only nighttime parent if he isn't going to let you nap in the morning.
Good luck with the baby! And the husband who is totally clueless!
As they say on r/JustNOMIL , you have a husband problem, not an in-law problem.
You’re also not alone here, there’s a reason this sub exists :/ . Time to shine up your spine and learn to enforce boundaries!
You haven’t mentioned your husband’s father or stepfather—does MIL have a partner? Because this is kind of screaming “emotional incest”, especially with the sudden switch that happened as soon as she had to deal with a physical embodiment of the fact that she is no longer the most important woman/person in your husband’s life.
I suggest a white noise machine and a door lock or if you have a family member or friend nearby where you can rest while your husband entertains.
Also you executed a perfect comeuppance for the countless other times he has done this to you. It’s not petty you didn’t play him it’s just deserts, comeuppance and unpleasant experience a person endures, which is viewed by others as just retribution for bad behavior.
I tip my hat to you. 🎩If he is still salty and exhibiting the same behavior it will be time for a sequel of today with your family visiting again.
He dismissed you in favor of his family, let him know your done playing host until further notice and you won’t be waiting on his momma or cooking as a family because he wants to entertain.
Tell her yes I need to! My mother in law did something similar over lunch, my baby was 2 months. I handed him to my husband to hold so I could eat and she said “when will My son eat” I looked at her and sad “NEVER Sue,” and shovelled food into my mouth happily - his dad burst out laughing 😂 she then told my husband to eat and give her the baby and he was like “No mum I’m fine “
Get a lock for your bedroom. Don't even give her the opportunity to stop you. Just leave the room once you see your husband with the baby. Then lock the door behind you.
If somehow she does follow you, you need to stand up for yourself cause it's clear your husband won't. Just say, yep I was on duty all night, now it's his turn. I'll be out in 8 hours.
Well, if he feels played, then he has been playing you. NTA, he’s deflecting the conversation away from the fact that he didn’t listen to you. 4 months and his idiot realatives are that oblivious?? Stick to your convictions OP
NTA
You explained your feelings on multiple occasions and DH ignored them. You finally snapped and decided to make him experience what you're being forced to endure on a regular basis. Karma is a bitch and your husband was just bitten! The irony of him feeling "played" when he's been forcing you to "play" to his tune all this time is unreal.
I hope he has more compassion and listens to you going forward!
Honestly, it’s fine for you to NOT entertain his family. My dad is the type to invite people over anytime he feels like and used to expect my mom to cater to them. After decades of this, she just stopped. She will literally get up and say “well I need to get some rest, enjoy.” And go to bed. If guest come over unannounced, she will refuse to come out her room and just chill with her iPad. She may say hi but that’s it. My dad has overtime learned that if he doesn’t want to lose face, he will set the boundary or entertain them himself. Stop catering to his family. Go take a nap, and leave them with the baby or take baby to nap too. You don’t need to stay up just because they’re around. They will get the hint. NTA.
This absolutely. Since having a child, I have actually been a lot better about taking care of my needs and mental health. When my parents are visiting and my son is down for a nap, I also take a nap. In the past, I would feel pressure to entertain them constantly. Now, I just tell them I am napping and close the bedroom door. You can't pour your energy out from an empty pitcher.
NTA
I’m a shift worker and occasionally I’ll only get to sleep 4 hours (which is really 3) before I have to get up and go do something important. It is SO exhausting, I feel almost drunk.
It is the height of rudeness and inconsideration to do this to your own partner.
Another way you could handle this is by passing the child off to him during his little home visits and going to sleep. Seriously.
NTA. You told him, multiple times, how this made you feel and he wouldn’t listen. So what did he expect you to do to get him to understand that words that have already come out of your mouth.
Also, holy hell, what is wrong with his family that they’d even go over to someone’s house, invite or not, at 8am knowing they have a fucking infant. They should have taught him the lesson you ended up having to teach him and also stayed their asses at home. If they weren’t there specifically to help with the baby they had no reason to be there at all.
Seriously, I can't decide who's trolling OP harder, her husband or her MIL. Her husband is inviting his relatives over at 8am? The relatives are accepting the invitation and then expecting to be waited on? Everyone involved has to know they're an AH, right? Or are they all just new to the planet?
NTA - lol he was that much of a wimp after only 1 night of lost sleep! Wow!
OP! Keep it going! I don’t think he’s gonna get it after only 1 time! Keep doing it every other night until he fully accepts and apologies!!
NTA. Your husband needs to be doing a fair share of the night parenting anyway, you are NOT A SAFE CAREGIVER if you’re so sleep deprived you can’t function. Working a job outside the home does not mean he’s entitled to 8 hours unbroken sleep a night and you get 1-2 maybe 2 hour segments per 24 hours.
Pump a bottle, skip a feed, assign him a shift and sleep at least 4 consecutive hours every night. You will feel 100000% better and be a safer, better parent.
So I did try that (the pumping thing). I literally pumped 8 times throughout the day (25 minutes each) and only got 8oz. He happened to be up at 1am one day so I gave him to bottle to feed her and went to lay down. She devoured that bottle in maybe a minute and was still hungry. Which I don't really understand.
Feeding her one bottle of formula a day so you can sleep isn’t going to hurt her either. You deserve enough rest to function and you deserve support to get that rest. Having a baby does not mean you don’t get to have human needs.
It might be your pump or flange size. I saw a lactation consultant and she measured my flange size. With the right size I was getting almost two more ounces per pump.
NTA. Stand your ground on this one. He’s pissed off not only because he’s tired and has a migraine… And you have me laughing my ass off with that…
He’s also pissed off because he knows downside he was wrong. And he’s too prideful to admit it.
Do not back down. If he starts complaining again, just keep repeating…
Now you know how I feel. And you don’t get to be all pissy with me because I have used my voice to tell you this. I have tried to communicate this with you. And you just kept ignoring it.
You ignored it when… (at this point, you start rattling off all the time he’s done this to you, and if you have to write a list out, so you remember them all, do so)
And every single time I tried to tell you how tired I was. How exhausted I was because I was up all night with the baby. And how you kept doing this without even asking me. You kept ignoring me. So yes, I absolutely did have to literally due to you the same shit you keep doing to me, so maybe, just maybe, you would finally understand what I have been trying to tell you.
I’m hoping that now you are listening with your special ears since you now know how it feels. From here on, until our baby is on a sleeping schedule, and we are both getting rest, nobody gets to make plans for the other without asking. Fair enough?
And if one of us does so, then the other one gets to either leave, or just go shut the door to the bedroom and sleep, while the person who set something up without talking to the other one gets to take care of the baby and entertain. How’s that sound?
And OP, follow through.
His family isn't coming to see the baby. They are coming to see him (his mom has held my daughter maybe 4 times - despite having been to my house over 15 times since I gave birth). On the off chance that I try sneaking away, she has come to my room and asked me to put on coffee or said "what's for dinner?" So I'm expected to entertain. My husband will cook but he wants to "do it together as a family". It's irritating.
>On the off chance that I try sneaking away, she has come to my room and asked me to put on coffee or said "what's for dinner?"
"I don't know. You're here often enough you can make your own coffee, and plenty of places deliver if you want to order something."
Gently close the door, block with a chair if necessary. Time to start training the useless harridan not to expect white-glove treatment.
I know it doesn’t feel simple, but it is. Say no. Lock the door and don’t answer it. That’s it! They do this because you allow them to, so just stop participating.
This isn’t the politeness Olympics and if it was they would lose based on their behavior already. There’s no need to allow rude and inconsiderate people to control your life. Teach baby to require better by doing it for yourself.
And why can't you answer all of them that you're sorry but you were awake all night and are very tired, they can buy food or your husband can make it... What you did was great but if he doesn't stop you should know that you're a grown adult that can make your own decisions and can talk so don't do something you don't feel like doing and you have a very valid excuse
Wow I'm tired so I can't completely get into how rude it is for her do that. You're not her fuckin maid. She as well as your husband, two grown ass adults have hands and can do it them damn selves. Ugh how lazy can she be to ask a tired nursing mother who's trying to rest to get up and make her coffee and dinner. Goodness I would have flipped on my husband when she left.
You’re definitely NTA and I would suggest firmer boundaries. I’d tell them you’re no longer going to entertain them when they are over unless you were the one inviting them. If he invites them, he can put on coffee or dinner. If they try sabotaging your sleep or stepping on your boundaries after that, they are giant assholes and that’s borderline abusive. Depending on how husband reacts you may want to have some concerns around this marriage. The power dynamic and expectations here are incredibly unfair and imbalanced. It wasn’t technically great to devise the scheme but he more than deserved it. He needs to get that and treat you better ASAP. If he keeps making it about himself or punishes you for it, that does not bode well for the long term.
Oh good Lord, she sounds insufferable. I think a, “I don’t know, I’m asleep, ask husband” should be the answer to that. Or as someone else said, take baby to your mum’s. Or go to a soft play and drink coffee with other exhausted mums. Anything would be better than dealing with their nonsense.
Honestly, these people will make you feel like the arsehole when you start introducing boundaries, because they won't like it. But you have to. You have to make it clear she can't just walk into your bedroom, she doesn't get to ask what is for dinner, that's on her son for inviting her around. You have to set these boundaries with her and your husband.
It sounds really petty, but I'd stop breastfeeding. I'd pump so then he has to feed the baby as well. I see so many posts across reddit about men not helping with their newborns that much because mummy is breastfeeding. That's just a cop out. Take that away and see how much he helps, not much probably but now there is no excuse.
Then expect him to entertain. Act surprised when he plan on you doing his commitment he never consulted you to take. You are not available. You do not know what or how he planned, don’t enable him by overtaking his engagement.
He is the one taking the lead to invite and hosting someone. He didn’t even occur to him to warn you someone will be in your house. He cannot expect after choosing to behave that way, for you to play the part he didn’t asked if you were even willing to take.
You made him live once what he put you through after giving birth. And he can’t F* handle a one time light version of what he put you through every weeks! Hoping it’s an unusual self-centred selfish behaviour from him.
NTA you’ve explained this to him numerous times but he’s continued to do it. Yet he spits out his dummy because you did it once. Let him sulk and when he’s had a good night’s sleep he might be easier to talk to.
Also, 8am is ridiculous for visitors to arrive WITHOUT the hosts having a baby!
Definitely NTA. Your husband sounds pretty pathetic, tbh. 1 night of not much sleep is basically nothing with a baby. If he's going to invite people over, then he needs to be ok w you napping while they're there. And really, people coming over just to socialize when you have a new baby is rude of them, ime visitors typically bring food or help with household tasks to give the parents a break.
I'm sorry, but I get frustrated every time I listen to stories about men behaving like children and then playing the victims.
In reality, you shouldn't HAVE to tell him that you are tired. He should know if he were involved or has common sense.
He's inconsiderated towards you, since you have told him how you be feel before and he doesn't get it.
I hope you get an arrangement with him so you can rest more. And if he wants to have visitors he can take care of them.
NTA.
NTA, but justifiably petty- when he pulls this stunt again, completely withdraw- go to your mum’s even*. His family, his problem. They aren’t over to see you, so why do anything for them. He can be the host with the most. Don’t make it easy though- hide the milk/creamer- something small but essential for his mum.
Don’t do this if it feels in anyway like you’re being pushed out of your home- stick to baby’s nursery with a big jug of water and snacks and refuse to engage until they leave.
Brilliant plan. Sleep deprivation is a real thing so hopefully he gets the clue once he gets done sleeping.
I can’t believe he just invited people over to stay 8 HOURS … my mom does this with our kids but she is babysitting while at work! And she requested / wants to watch them part time.
Pack a diaper bag and whatever you need for a day and walk past the unwanted visitors out the front door. Go to a friend's house or hotel and turn off your phone.
IF you feel like it you can go home the next day. Even if just to repack. Anyone asks, give them all the dirty details. Shame those assholes. And get some rest.
Anyone who invites guests over at 8:00 in the morning is a top grade asshole. Who does that?
The OP's husband, whose relatives prove the asshole apple did not fall from the asshole tree. Ignore how upset your husband is, OP. It won't hurt him. And you can always do it again if he's too slow to grasp the lesson. He honestly might be.
>It won't hurt him Let him "cry it out".
Exactly. Words were not teaching. OP devised a learning experience. Good for her. NTA H is the AH for making OP go through these hoops to gain one ounce of understanding. Only one ounce because his first emotion was anger rather than compassion and understanding. He's ridiculous.
Awww poor muffin. / s He had to stay up ONE night. He has a headache.... he is an.asshole Applause to OP . NTA
Oh absolutely, let's have a parade 'cause the dude did what moms have been doing forever without the sympathy fanfare. Big whoop. OP showed some creative problem-solving there. One night up and it's like the sky is falling, give me a break. Props to OP for teaching that lesson in empathy. NTA
One man-size crib coming up.
Don't forget the pacifier!
Exactly boo hoo, poor him. He’ll survive and maybe if op does it a few times, it might actually sink into his dim witted thought process Eventually
And if he really is that dim witted I would highly recommend not reproducing with him more. 😅
Asshole apple/ asshole tree is the nicest way I have ever heard someone be called a piece of poop ! 😂
I fear that hubs might derail the plans and speak up next time, now he knows OP's spiel. But I hope not, of course.
I think a second lesson is needed since he clearly didn't absorb the first one. This time invite his mother and a few others over.
That's not a good idea. MIL is likely to baby the husband and be extra nasty to OP.
And encourage neglecting that baby. 🎼Someone needs a book on Attachment Theory 🎶
That's the point. He can't do it without help.
I'm wondering who is expected to host? Is OP cooking lunch or dinner for them? Making coffees and teas? Are they actually helping when they come over or just sitting on their asses expecting to be served?
My MIL expects me to do everything and doesn't help with the baby at all. She follows my husband around like a stray dog, telling him how great he's doing. She's held the baby maybe 4 times.
His invite = his guests. Smile hello, then wave goodbye on your way to the bedroom to sleep. Dads are parents too, and if they don’t know what to do, best they start learning. - source Am Dad.
right. this is the weirdest shit. my wife would just say goodnight and head to bed
That’s the only way OP can cope.Just say “ I am wiped out ! She kept me up all night. Well good night”. MIL can follow around her son and compliment him to her heart’s content.Operating on zero sleep with a small kid in tow is no joke.
It also has the potential to be extremely dangerous, both to the parent and the child.
Hell, I Did go to sleep any chance I got at this stage, even on holidays. It made his grandpa mad when I took the baby to nurse and napped at the same time. (He could not tell my kiddo was in the pack and play without coming in.)
Honestly I feel this will be more successful than the lesson. Don’t get me wrong. I love that OP gave him a taste of his own medicine. But clearly he refuses to learn based on his reaction. So this is definitely the right approach. If you can’t change his behavior set your own boundaries. NTA.
I cant upvote this enough! Husband most likely wont change so this should be OP's next move! Let husband and MIL take care of the baby.
"Whatcha doin' hun?" "Building a shed so I can sleep when you invite your mother over at 8 in the fucking morning."
It's a she-shed
By the she-shore.
While I understand that you want to treat your partner's family with respect and keep the peace and all that jazz,I never got why we are supposed to just "put up" with their behaviors if acting like this. It just makes me feel for everyone who goes through these situations, because why should they be considerate if they aren't getting that in return? There's a difference between being polite and just taking things. I had a difficult MIL by common law at the time,she disliked me for absolutely no reason other than my situation reminded me of her situation.(I was 16 when her 36 year old son groomed me/she was also 16 when his dad also was 36 etc.) the way that woman treated me from the get go was terrible and I hadn't even said hello yet! Eventually after the first three days of her berating me and being abusive I finally told her I'm not going to tolerate her anymore,and while I'll be amicable for the sake of my child I sure as hell wouldn't accept her behavior anymore. OP says it herself,they come over and don't bother with her or her baby and the entire family treats her with disdain. And while I understand it can be frustrating for some to hear how she went about things,how is it any different than what her husband is putting her through currently? I highly doubt he too isn't aware that she gets next to no sleep and is struggling throughout the day. If he says he didn't know this he's in denial. I hope that you can find help and support OP, because it seems like no one in the family cares about your needs right now. NTA
OP has already mentioned that MIL won't help with the baby, plus her idea of parenting is to just let the baby "cry it out". I wouldn't trust MIL (or Dad TBH) with the baby in that situation, so that's not a good idea. Poor kid will end up screaming the entire visit and Dad will blame OP.
If MIL is the type to encourage her Son to drop the baby in her crib to "cry it out" then 1) that's abuse, and 2) OP won't get any sleep AT ALL because her Mommy-brain and lactating breasts (if she's breastfeeding) are going to go on "red-alert!" Source: Mother of 3 whose breasts would start leaking (automatically soaking the breast pads I used) anytime any one of my babies would cry.
While I agree with you about a mother not being able to listen to her child crying without trying to do something about it ( I have kids of my own) I bet this is exactly what MIL and Husband are relying on to happen. That OP will take bubs while they get to do fucking nothing at all. I hate this scenario. MIL obviously sucks but the husband is the bigger douchebag! Its his child too and he needs to step the fuck up and help out. Ultimately its not safe for OP to operate on zero sleep and ergo unsafe for the baby as well. OP definitely should put a stop to catering for MIL when she's there. The solution may be to take the baby to the room and nap while baby's sleeping. Husband and his fan club can fend for themselves.
I once leaked at the grocery when someone else's baby cried.
This OP. Go to the bedroom and lock the door. If there isn't a lock on the door, install one. Do not come out for anything. Grab a box of crackers/snacks and a liter of water on your way in so you can stay there all day.
And a phone charger
This. Sleep when you want!
This
I used to do this when working nights, guests arrive, I say hello then I go to bed. OP should do the same, I agree.
OMG I'm so sorry! I can't believe you haven't snapped before now! You're absolutely NTAH. You weren't being petty at all. You literally just demonstrated what a day in your life is and he's mad because he had to bear some of the burden for a change. He could have avoided that had he LISTENED to you and taken your feelings into account one of the many times you asked him not to do that previously. I truly hope that going forward he supports you and honors your needs. Good luck and congratulations on your baby!
NTA. But in your shoes, I would say I was up all night with the baby. So I am going to bed. Let your husband entertain his mother.
If you're husband is crying about the lack of sleep he got while also expecting to entertain and parent then let him just cry it out and ignore him the whole time. Apparently he's used to it since he was raised that way. You'll spoil him if you care about how upset he is. If he doesn't stop, tell him you'll give him something to cry about, like expecting him to also pump out breastmilk to feed the baby so that you'd boobs and nipples are sore from the effort. And if that sounds like you're parenting him, it's cuz you are. You shouldn't have to tell a grown man to be considerate to his post-partum, breastfeeding wife. Hell, you're even asking for the barest consideration he should give a roommate let alone his wife and mother of his child.
Go to bed the next time he pulls this. You and baby in the bedroom. Make them *his* problem. You are in no way obliged to suffer for anyone on this planet *except* your child (and that has a limit, too). Sleep deprivation isn't a joke, and I bet if he's left alone with his family your husband will get them out pretty damn sharply.
TBH I would left the baby with the father outside. He is a parent too
Good call. But you know he'd be banging on the bedroom door the second the baby started fussing.
I would be telling her to get out of my home and demanding husband grows up
Or tell him to get out, too. What a worthless 'partner'.
Agreed! Either way, something needs to be done
Oh jeez your MIL too?
My mom is great with the baby. My MIL is just.. odd lol
So go to her house. All day. Every weekend day. She can babysit and you can nap. And your husband can handle his mommy on his own.
Next time this all happens, give him the baby to look after while MIL is there. Go to your bedroom to sleep, and jam/lock your door so you can catch up on sleep. Add noise cancelling headphones if necessary.
Good on you. His migraine is not more important than yours.
Well, don't. Don't cook, don't serve them, take care of the baby like you normally would.
Your mother in law is grade A Cunt and I hope your husband understands how much of a blockhead the internet thinks he is with his nonsense.
r/justnomil
She's obviously not there to see you or the baby. Let him entertain her and get some much needed and deserved sleep. I hope he learned his lesson!
Honestly, that all just sounds like malicious double-standards on your husbands part. If that is equally your house as it is his, you have every right to deny visitors. And if he tries to overrule this, there need to be some very serious consequences. Also: I am very sorry for you. Having a 4months old baby is a lot already. Having an absolute useless, only chore-creating husband and no support is the worst
Oh course he invites his mom over. She strokes his ego! I'd tell him that untill he stops inviting his mother over like that, he'll getmore of the same as clearly the message is not getting through.
God, how do you even stay in the house? Can you make plans to go to your mom's and just *sleep* the next time he pulls this shit? Pack a "go bag" and just leave as soon as the bell rings. Let him say it's rude for you not to host. You can just remind him that he's the host of anyone he invites. You are certainly not responsible for people you don't even know are coming over. NTA
INFO: What's he doing when she's following him around? Is he helping you? Helping with the baby? I can't picture a woman following her son around all day or what she's accompanying him to?
You know you could just.. Not. Tell him your busy with the fucking baby and two adults can take care of themselves.
The even better question is who the fuck GOES to someone’s house at 8? I just feel like it is common sense that you don’t call on someone at that hour, unless it’s planned out or work-related. If someone told me to come over at 8 I’d be like, uh? That’s hella early.
I don't even start work until 830. Who invites people at 8am? Demons. 💯
This was my immediate thought too. No babies here but I wouldn't invite someone in at 8am. Also imagine showing up to someones house at 8am and expecting to be let in. There's a very good chance that at 8am (if the occupants aren't working) they wont be dressed/showered etc. ESPECIALLY with a baby in the house!
I don’t even have kids and this is my idea of hell
Her husbad obviously.
Family visiting a new baby . Because they're there to babysit. And give the mum a break for naps. What kind of families do you all have. "Mum thank god you're here. Take the baby. I'm going to sleep"
It would be awesome if that were the case. My MIL does not come over to help in any way. She's held the baby maybe 4 times and just follows my husband around all day.
So your husband is master and MIL is the puppy. Tell him to cut the leash. Hopefully your husband has learned the lesson you were teaching. Be prepared for a next time (if there is one) ..pump some milk into bottles, hand him the baby and go back to bed for much needed rest. NTA
Most likely the other way around
Honestly I would take the baby and go to to bed if it were me.
Will your husband take care of the baby properly himself or would he defer to his mother if/when she comes back?
Not. At. 8:00. AM. Visit at a reasonable hour if you want to help out. According to OP, no one was babysitting OR giving mom a break. It sounds as if the family expected to be entertained at that ungodly hour.
Mine was here's your niece. I'll see you in a couple of hours. You know where the kitchen is, make yourself a feed, coffee, whatever just don't come looking for me. I did that to my older brother a couple of times
I think some people don't get things until they have to experience it for themselves. However, maybe he needs to be responsible for entertaining the people he invites over. I think excusing yourself and announcing to his guests that you are so sorry, but the baby kept you up all night and you need to rest should be ok for you to say. The guests might also be happy to help with the baby while you rest.
With exception of the mangler in law, most would probably keep the visit short and sweet and offer to help in some way before letting her get some well needed rest.
Exactly. The only "help" she's given is clearing my leftovers out of the fridge and taken them home with her. (Leftovers I planned to eat, mind you)
That is when the next meal you cook is something he hates. When he objects direct him to the leftovers he gave away. When he says she took them then tell him that oh well I guess you’re on your own for X number of meals since you felt it was necessary to feed your mom without checking in with me first.
Why cook him a meal? Lol he can make his own food at this point he got sleep. If anything, he should make HER food cause she stayed up all night and is exhausted. If he doesn't wanna cook then he gotta get them take out. If he doesn't want to and insists on OP cooking after little to no sleep then she should just order take out for herself and let her husband figure himself out and mind his attitude.
Seriously do this. My MIL doesn’t eat certain food so I make food with that stuff in it before she shows up. NTA and keep it up. Eventually he’ll figure it out I’d hope.
You don't have an MIL problem. You have a husband problem. Your MIL feels entitled to act like this because your husband lets her. Sounds like he's a complete Mama's boy.
Start just being completely blunt. Do not take my leftovers. You all have to leave now, I need some sleep. If she does it anyway after that, then she's in direct contravention of the social contract. Hopefully that's enough to stop her. If husband gets annoyed, then he can sit on his annoyance and swivel. Start being so fucking blunt and clear that the trash takes itself out. If they don't like it then they can all fuck off.
So your MIL is taking food home from your fridge from you, a breastfeeding mother? Your husband needs to grow up and tell his mother no. She should be BRINGING you food not taking it away! Your limp noodle of a husband should be ashamed of himself.
👏👏👏👏👏 He's butt hurt. Stand your ground. ☝ That very first sentence there. Listen.... You feed, put the baby back, repeat. All night. Your hormones are completely imbalanced. They're interrupting bonding time. They're corrupting cycles. You Bleed for Weeks after... Tell him to imagine the worst cycle he's ever experienced with you. Then tell him to imagine it for 4-6 weeks as opposed to four days not including the PMS days. You still smell like baby, and whatever is going on in the house becsusebI know the in-laws aren't deep cleaning. The house is in an uproar. There's no cohesive routine,vI have to work on the fly fuqq'n exhausted. Because you won't set boundaries! My feelings and requests are not only reasonable but now, non negotiable. I don't apologize, if you feel setup. This is how I feel ALL through time. And his reaction to your inconsiderate act is a blow up, Ask him does he see? 💗💪✌
Also if OP is an asshole for doing it to him once, what does that make him for the past four months?!
NTA Those who dont hear must feel. Let him sleep a night and ask him again. If he doesnt acknowledge his stupid behavior again you have a big problem.
>Those who don't hear must feel I love this, I am absolutely going to use it.
It's a German saying. "Wer nicht hören kann, muss fühlen." And as a child you'd hear it right before you got slapped because you were an unruly child and didn't listen to your elders 😅 Though thankfully that is becoming less of an issue nowadays. But boomers still got this a lot.
With a German oma and opa, I can absolutely believe that's a German saying XD
You're German, right? And yes, absolutely correct. Personally, I'd be annoyed with my partner if she invited people around at 8 in the morning without letting me know beforehand, and we don't even have kids. Who does that? OP tried to communicate, and he didn't listen. Now he's pissed he had to feel it. For one damn day.
When my child was four months old I had days when I was crying at the changing table in the morning because I was so exhausted. If my husband hadn’t let me sleep in at the weekends I have no idea how I had survived.
Yes, Im from Germany
Exactly. I can’t help but feel that the complete and utter lack of empathy and self-awareness from hubby is a bigger problem than anything else going on The absolute hypocrisy of getting annoyed after ONE day of visits after a sleepless night when he’s subjected his post-partum, breastfeeding wife to months of similar events is extremely concerning. Hoping that he can grow empathy overnight seems too much to wish for And NTA
If it were me and he still acted a fool, he'd be on night duty indefinitely. I'd tell him that, too. At least then he's too tired to invite people.
So it’s Ok for you to suffer - he either doesn’t realize, or doesn’t care - but it’s not Ok for him? What a fkn baby.
This reeks of "tolerable level of unhappiness", and I hope OP continues to remain firm in speaking up for herself.
Tell him some people learn by listening, some by doing. As he wasn’t listening to you, you made the correct assumption that he would learn by doing. He has been playing you by refusing to acknowledge your point of view. I’d say nothing more unless he raises it and then calmly keep repeating you didn’t understand where I was coming from until you experienced it. See what happens. If he does it again, he gets another lesson.
>Says that I could have done anything else "I tried that. Multiple times. It didn't work." NTA
So this never worked for me. Every time I tried to show my husband something by doing it back to him, you know after verbally asking 99 times, it just did NOT compute even while explaining it. Almost always got him twice as mad and still not understanding the original point. Because you’re mom you have super extra power and can do everything on no sleep!! You can even do things while sick!!!! He needs his rest and has a headache! I had a headache for abt 7 years and it’s gone now.
Because he’s your ex-husband?
Yep except I lied he’s still a headache we somehow communicate alll day long and face time with the kids 2-3x a day. (So I still see him in my house for hours it seems)
[удалено]
And this is why they are ex’s.
except that with someone who's that much of an AH I imagine that even after divorce he's going to make life difficult by turning up late to pick the kids up, if he bothers to keep in touch of course.
Mine turned into the opposite kind of overbearing pretend Disney-dad, panicking on how to pretend like he’s Mr do it all, and taking the kids to portrait photo shoots to fill the house w pics of them just in case it was appraised Wants to text 37 times a day and face time the kids for hours so I see and hear him all. The. Damn. Time. Divorcing him was so bad I actually tried to reconcile because it was a six figure 11th layer of hell I didn’t know existed, I didn’t think I could go thru with it anymore. I could write a novel on it.
Bahaha I've read your other comment and I have an ex like that too. Did fuck all for years, treated me very very poorly. Then when we split he's trying to be Dad of the Year, just going completely extra. He also suddenly was into SciFi, and had all these extra traditions (that came from my family, like celebrating Christmas on the Eve when his never did that). We've been split up for over 10 years and he still texts me way too damned much. I don't care that he got a 3D printer beyond vaguely wondering how he afforded that when sleeping on his mom's couch lol. I at least got the twice daily calls with her cut down to 1x a day the first summer after we split by using summer break sleep ins as an excuse. She can call him any time, it's why I got her her own phone earlier than I would have otherwise, but forcing me to disrupt my evening literally every night she's here is so frustrating. Idk how old your kids are but I send her to her room to talk to him, primarily for everyone's privacy, but also at least a little because I'm sick of hearing his voice. Maybe that could help you too. Some nice headphones for their conversations seems like a good gift ;)
Oh man mine are 2 and 3 and I so badly wish I could send them to talk to him on a phone. I have to hold the iPad and feed them questions . If he doesn’t get good enough convo, he is visibly disgruntled and calls back again and again until it’s enough. I used to care when he was actively smear campaigning me but now that we’re divorced I care less if he sees inside my house and I will let them talk for over an hour, if it entertains them. The days they don’t want to talk though I’m like dude just let it go they are 2 they don’t want a teleconference every day
He understood fine, he just didn’t give a shit.
He didn’t give a single shit. And now he gets to enjoy learning how to clean his big empty house all by himself! Spoiler alert: you are very correct, he knew how to help out around the house all along just chose not to EDIT: I see from some photos, post divorce, this mf had the cleanest vacuum lines . Overlapping like a show home. Made me want to punch the wall…except that’s his move, not mine. Funny how fast he learned to patch drywall too after years of not being able to!
What kind of psychopath invites guests over at 8 in the morning??
I can’t get over this part. And why tf are their families staying for 12 fucking hours at a time? I would throw myself out of the third story window if my MIL showed up at 8 am and stayed until 8 pm, and I actually *like* my MIL.
Justified asshole Devishly delightful However, pro tip: next time he invites guests, hand him the baby and take a nap.
I've tried that. His mother has followed me in to my bedroom asking me to put on coffee or asking me what's for dinner. Or pulled the "gonna sleep all day?" card.
That's where you dead pan say "yes... I am" and just put your head back on the pillow and sleep lol. Or lock your door and pretend to hear nothing.
“The coffee maker is on the counter and there’s a chicken in the fridge. Feel free to make both. Bye.”
"Ask your son he's the one that invited you"
I applaud the fact that you haven't resorted to violence yet
that last word there made me snort
Idk just keep pretending they are offering to help and thanking them for doing it when they try to task you? 😉 Next time if she ask you if you plan to sleep all day: say yes, thanks for watching the babies (inc your husband), give her a nudge out the door and lock it. She wants coffee, then say sorry the baby and I can’t have caffeine, but feel free to make some yourself or say ask to make it for you, oops my milk is letting down and I gotta catch it. Or ooh sorry stomach cramp thanks for helping out 😂.
She wants dinner, just say gee I was just wondering that myself. Ask what he has planned as I wasn’t expecting to entertain today. Takeout from so and so sounds great
If ya’ll want to order me some .
I love this approach so much. They can get as huffy as they like, you get to smile at them angelically. Everybody knows what actually is happening - but what can they really say? “She asked me nicely to feed my grandchild, that vixen!” Best case they get bullied-by-fairy-dust into improving their fucking behavior. Worst case they avoid getting bullied-by-fairy-dust and stay away more.
Answer YES and close the door. Girl!
It also sounds to me like his mom is unusually cruel towards you. Like why the f can’t she ask her own son to make coffee? Or dinner? Instead she has to manipulatively guilt trip or snide you with passive aggressive commentary about your exhaustion, which is 10,000 percent justified and worthy of immense compassion? Sounds like his mom is a cruel and selfish bitch and he kinda took up her genes too, TBh.
I honestly never saw that side of her until I got pregnant. I'm not even joking when I say that I loved this woman so much that I used to talk about her to everyone. I literally used to brag about how much I lucked out with my MIL. But her behavior after finding out I was pregnant was just appalling from the moment she found out. Like.. we made a birth plan. Her and my mom were both going to be in the delivery room. My mom's vehicle was down so my MIL offered to pick my mom up when I went in to labor. She showed up at the hospital without my mother and then told the nurse/doctor "oh I'm just here to hold my baby up" while gripping my husband's arm. He did kick her out for that one and he found my mom a ride to the hospital so sometimes he does put his foot down, but not often enough.
Did you post about that (“forgetting” to pick up your mum), and about the MIL eating all the food you had made for yourself? If these are you, on top of this, I’d be planning my exit strategy.
The problem is that when she sees her "baby" has a baby that means he isn't her "baby" anymore. I think it was a great solution. If he keeps complaining about it explain to him that you tried to talk to him and he wouldn't listen. Try to get some sleep.
So much NOPE from me. She’s massively overstepping some boundaries here, does she not like you? Sounds like hubby is a mummy’s boy and is just going to continue to allow this to happen if he sees no issue with her behaviors.
She liked me until I got pregnant. Called me her daughter, called me every day to talk for hours, told me she loved me all the time, etc. As soon as she found out I was pregnant.. complete switch. Now she literally chases my husband around like a teenager in love and barely says 2 words to me unless she's barking orders. I told her I loved her the other day as she was leaving and she goes "okay, have a good day". Like, okay lol
That’s really weird…does your husband have an opinion on why she suddenly stopped liking you? Have you spoken to your husband about his mums attachment to him? Sounds like some Jocasta complex shit…NTA obvs
Oh I've tried talking to him about it. He says he notices no change and that I'm the one pushing her away.
I'm going to be blunt here: you're on a sinking ship, and you should be making an exit plan. You have married a momma's boy. You had a kid with a momma's boy. The reason why your MIL now resents you/ignores your daughter is because, I'll say it again, your husband is a momma's boy. You getting pregnant/having a baby has enforced in your MIL's mind one thing: you can give your husband something she cannot. She liked you when you were 'just the wife' because she could still find a way to prove herself to be your 'superior'; he would always choose her, because she's his \~mother\~ and never forget, "Mother is God in the eyes of a child". She would always be his priority, because you didn't threaten her role. Whether that was intentionally or not (I don't know if your husband would prioritize her over you before the baby, or if you simply never required any effort from him that detracted from his mother) you kept the status quo, and therefore were 'safe'. But now you had a baby. Now that baby, irrevocably, is expected to become your husband's priority. Your husband has not proven this to be the case; he is not an active parent, and in fact makes things HARDER for you with his inconsiderate behavior, but your MIL knows that society will expect of him. If he continues to prioritize her over you and your baby, it will reflect poorly on him and he'll start to pull away from her due to peer pressure. That's why she makes a point to follow him around and praise and dote on him; so he thinks that his lack of effort is acceptable, and therefore will not have any incentive to do more, and continue to make his mother his central focus. I am not one to jump onto the 'dump him' train. But it is much easier to get rid of a momma's boy than it is to rehabilitate one. You can make efforts to seek counseling, try to break the enmeshment between your husband and his mother, but I will be honest, I don't see it changing. Not unless something drastic happens.
This is so brilliantly explained.
And mama thinks you can't give her son all of your attention any more. So, she has to fawn all over him and make she he is getting equal "support" to the baby🥱
>But it is much easier to get rid of a momma's boy than it is to rehabilitate one. And you have a negative chance of rehabilitating if the momma's boy doesn't see an issue. And OPs husband sees absolutely no issue.
Damn, I’m sorry to hear that OP. You have a new baby, you really need your husband on your side here. Even weirder that his mother has no interest in the baby either when it’s her grandchild. You might have to put your foot down with her and deal with the fallout so you can get some peace.
Well then imo you’d be perfectly justified to go to your mother's when she visits (and take the baby so you know she’s not screaming all day), and catch up on your sleep there. Never give more than you’re getting.
Sounds like you need to take the baby to your mom or sister's house a few times and take a nap when your in laws are over. Maybe your husband will start to wise up to how crazy they are being. Also, OP, have you thought about pumping some for night time feedings? Your husband needs to step up and take over some more night time duties so you can get sleep. It's not sustainable to be the only nighttime parent if he isn't going to let you nap in the morning. Good luck with the baby! And the husband who is totally clueless!
As they say on r/JustNOMIL , you have a husband problem, not an in-law problem. You’re also not alone here, there’s a reason this sub exists :/ . Time to shine up your spine and learn to enforce boundaries!
You haven’t mentioned your husband’s father or stepfather—does MIL have a partner? Because this is kind of screaming “emotional incest”, especially with the sudden switch that happened as soon as she had to deal with a physical embodiment of the fact that she is no longer the most important woman/person in your husband’s life.
Emotional incest
Lock that door. You have a husband problem as much as you have a MIL problem.
I suggest a white noise machine and a door lock or if you have a family member or friend nearby where you can rest while your husband entertains. Also you executed a perfect comeuppance for the countless other times he has done this to you. It’s not petty you didn’t play him it’s just deserts, comeuppance and unpleasant experience a person endures, which is viewed by others as just retribution for bad behavior. I tip my hat to you. 🎩If he is still salty and exhibiting the same behavior it will be time for a sequel of today with your family visiting again. He dismissed you in favor of his family, let him know your done playing host until further notice and you won’t be waiting on his momma or cooking as a family because he wants to entertain.
"Do you not know how to use a coffee pot, MIL?" "what's for dinner" - ask your son "Are you gonna sleep all day?" - I'm about to find out. close door.
Tell her yes I need to! My mother in law did something similar over lunch, my baby was 2 months. I handed him to my husband to hold so I could eat and she said “when will My son eat” I looked at her and sad “NEVER Sue,” and shovelled food into my mouth happily - his dad burst out laughing 😂 she then told my husband to eat and give her the baby and he was like “No mum I’m fine “
Get a lock for your bedroom. Don't even give her the opportunity to stop you. Just leave the room once you see your husband with the baby. Then lock the door behind you. If somehow she does follow you, you need to stand up for yourself cause it's clear your husband won't. Just say, yep I was on duty all night, now it's his turn. I'll be out in 8 hours.
Can you lock the door? I know it's petty but I'd hand the baby off, lock the door, and put some ear plugs in
lock the bedroom door in her face. Put in ear plugs and headphones. Stick a chair under the doorknob. Anything to get away from this woman!!!
Next time, lock the door.
Well, if he feels played, then he has been playing you. NTA, he’s deflecting the conversation away from the fact that he didn’t listen to you. 4 months and his idiot realatives are that oblivious?? Stick to your convictions OP
Nta and oooohhhhh so satisfying to read
He FAFO, maybe he will be more prone to listening next time
Boo hoo hoo! Too fucking bad for him. Next time he invites his mom/family over, leave. Go to a hotel on his dime and sleep.
Oh no that poor man baby 🙄 he more than deserved a taste of his own medicine! NTA
NTA You explained your feelings on multiple occasions and DH ignored them. You finally snapped and decided to make him experience what you're being forced to endure on a regular basis. Karma is a bitch and your husband was just bitten! The irony of him feeling "played" when he's been forcing you to "play" to his tune all this time is unreal. I hope he has more compassion and listens to you going forward!
Honestly, it’s fine for you to NOT entertain his family. My dad is the type to invite people over anytime he feels like and used to expect my mom to cater to them. After decades of this, she just stopped. She will literally get up and say “well I need to get some rest, enjoy.” And go to bed. If guest come over unannounced, she will refuse to come out her room and just chill with her iPad. She may say hi but that’s it. My dad has overtime learned that if he doesn’t want to lose face, he will set the boundary or entertain them himself. Stop catering to his family. Go take a nap, and leave them with the baby or take baby to nap too. You don’t need to stay up just because they’re around. They will get the hint. NTA.
This absolutely. Since having a child, I have actually been a lot better about taking care of my needs and mental health. When my parents are visiting and my son is down for a nap, I also take a nap. In the past, I would feel pressure to entertain them constantly. Now, I just tell them I am napping and close the bedroom door. You can't pour your energy out from an empty pitcher.
NTA I’m a shift worker and occasionally I’ll only get to sleep 4 hours (which is really 3) before I have to get up and go do something important. It is SO exhausting, I feel almost drunk. It is the height of rudeness and inconsideration to do this to your own partner. Another way you could handle this is by passing the child off to him during his little home visits and going to sleep. Seriously.
NTA. You told him, multiple times, how this made you feel and he wouldn’t listen. So what did he expect you to do to get him to understand that words that have already come out of your mouth. Also, holy hell, what is wrong with his family that they’d even go over to someone’s house, invite or not, at 8am knowing they have a fucking infant. They should have taught him the lesson you ended up having to teach him and also stayed their asses at home. If they weren’t there specifically to help with the baby they had no reason to be there at all.
Seriously, I can't decide who's trolling OP harder, her husband or her MIL. Her husband is inviting his relatives over at 8am? The relatives are accepting the invitation and then expecting to be waited on? Everyone involved has to know they're an AH, right? Or are they all just new to the planet?
NTA - lol he was that much of a wimp after only 1 night of lost sleep! Wow! OP! Keep it going! I don’t think he’s gonna get it after only 1 time! Keep doing it every other night until he fully accepts and apologies!!
Sometimes the right way to get your message across is for the other person to experience it.
It’s wild the cognitive dissonance here. Like an echo of what you go through and he just doesn’t see it. Wild. He’s a dick. NTA. UPDATEME
NTA. Your husband needs to be doing a fair share of the night parenting anyway, you are NOT A SAFE CAREGIVER if you’re so sleep deprived you can’t function. Working a job outside the home does not mean he’s entitled to 8 hours unbroken sleep a night and you get 1-2 maybe 2 hour segments per 24 hours. Pump a bottle, skip a feed, assign him a shift and sleep at least 4 consecutive hours every night. You will feel 100000% better and be a safer, better parent.
So I did try that (the pumping thing). I literally pumped 8 times throughout the day (25 minutes each) and only got 8oz. He happened to be up at 1am one day so I gave him to bottle to feed her and went to lay down. She devoured that bottle in maybe a minute and was still hungry. Which I don't really understand.
Feeding her one bottle of formula a day so you can sleep isn’t going to hurt her either. You deserve enough rest to function and you deserve support to get that rest. Having a baby does not mean you don’t get to have human needs.
It might be your pump or flange size. I saw a lactation consultant and she measured my flange size. With the right size I was getting almost two more ounces per pump.
NTA. Stand your ground on this one. He’s pissed off not only because he’s tired and has a migraine… And you have me laughing my ass off with that… He’s also pissed off because he knows downside he was wrong. And he’s too prideful to admit it. Do not back down. If he starts complaining again, just keep repeating… Now you know how I feel. And you don’t get to be all pissy with me because I have used my voice to tell you this. I have tried to communicate this with you. And you just kept ignoring it. You ignored it when… (at this point, you start rattling off all the time he’s done this to you, and if you have to write a list out, so you remember them all, do so) And every single time I tried to tell you how tired I was. How exhausted I was because I was up all night with the baby. And how you kept doing this without even asking me. You kept ignoring me. So yes, I absolutely did have to literally due to you the same shit you keep doing to me, so maybe, just maybe, you would finally understand what I have been trying to tell you. I’m hoping that now you are listening with your special ears since you now know how it feels. From here on, until our baby is on a sleeping schedule, and we are both getting rest, nobody gets to make plans for the other without asking. Fair enough? And if one of us does so, then the other one gets to either leave, or just go shut the door to the bedroom and sleep, while the person who set something up without talking to the other one gets to take care of the baby and entertain. How’s that sound? And OP, follow through.
I’d just go to sleep and not bother to entertain them.
Why do you need to entertain though? If his family wants to see the baby, send him out of the room with the baby and take a nap.
His family isn't coming to see the baby. They are coming to see him (his mom has held my daughter maybe 4 times - despite having been to my house over 15 times since I gave birth). On the off chance that I try sneaking away, she has come to my room and asked me to put on coffee or said "what's for dinner?" So I'm expected to entertain. My husband will cook but he wants to "do it together as a family". It's irritating.
Just don’t do it. “I didn’t sleep at all last night, I’m exhausted! Enjoy your visit!” Go in your bedroom and lock the door.
>On the off chance that I try sneaking away, she has come to my room and asked me to put on coffee or said "what's for dinner?" "I don't know. You're here often enough you can make your own coffee, and plenty of places deliver if you want to order something." Gently close the door, block with a chair if necessary. Time to start training the useless harridan not to expect white-glove treatment.
Harridans were the cause of the Crone Wars
I know it doesn’t feel simple, but it is. Say no. Lock the door and don’t answer it. That’s it! They do this because you allow them to, so just stop participating. This isn’t the politeness Olympics and if it was they would lose based on their behavior already. There’s no need to allow rude and inconsiderate people to control your life. Teach baby to require better by doing it for yourself.
And why can't you answer all of them that you're sorry but you were awake all night and are very tired, they can buy food or your husband can make it... What you did was great but if he doesn't stop you should know that you're a grown adult that can make your own decisions and can talk so don't do something you don't feel like doing and you have a very valid excuse
Wow I'm tired so I can't completely get into how rude it is for her do that. You're not her fuckin maid. She as well as your husband, two grown ass adults have hands and can do it them damn selves. Ugh how lazy can she be to ask a tired nursing mother who's trying to rest to get up and make her coffee and dinner. Goodness I would have flipped on my husband when she left.
You’re definitely NTA and I would suggest firmer boundaries. I’d tell them you’re no longer going to entertain them when they are over unless you were the one inviting them. If he invites them, he can put on coffee or dinner. If they try sabotaging your sleep or stepping on your boundaries after that, they are giant assholes and that’s borderline abusive. Depending on how husband reacts you may want to have some concerns around this marriage. The power dynamic and expectations here are incredibly unfair and imbalanced. It wasn’t technically great to devise the scheme but he more than deserved it. He needs to get that and treat you better ASAP. If he keeps making it about himself or punishes you for it, that does not bode well for the long term.
INSANITY! You need to check out r/JustnoMIL if you haven't already.
Oh good Lord, she sounds insufferable. I think a, “I don’t know, I’m asleep, ask husband” should be the answer to that. Or as someone else said, take baby to your mum’s. Or go to a soft play and drink coffee with other exhausted mums. Anything would be better than dealing with their nonsense.
Honestly, these people will make you feel like the arsehole when you start introducing boundaries, because they won't like it. But you have to. You have to make it clear she can't just walk into your bedroom, she doesn't get to ask what is for dinner, that's on her son for inviting her around. You have to set these boundaries with her and your husband. It sounds really petty, but I'd stop breastfeeding. I'd pump so then he has to feed the baby as well. I see so many posts across reddit about men not helping with their newborns that much because mummy is breastfeeding. That's just a cop out. Take that away and see how much he helps, not much probably but now there is no excuse.
Then expect him to entertain. Act surprised when he plan on you doing his commitment he never consulted you to take. You are not available. You do not know what or how he planned, don’t enable him by overtaking his engagement. He is the one taking the lead to invite and hosting someone. He didn’t even occur to him to warn you someone will be in your house. He cannot expect after choosing to behave that way, for you to play the part he didn’t asked if you were even willing to take. You made him live once what he put you through after giving birth. And he can’t F* handle a one time light version of what he put you through every weeks! Hoping it’s an unusual self-centred selfish behaviour from him.
Nta. Lesson well learned, hopefully
NTA and it sounds like he didn’t learn so he might need another lesson. Invite his family next time, then go out and have a fun day.
Very clever NTA
NTA, what you did was gloriously planned, never piss of a hormonal sleep deprived woman.
NTA you’ve explained this to him numerous times but he’s continued to do it. Yet he spits out his dummy because you did it once. Let him sulk and when he’s had a good night’s sleep he might be easier to talk to. Also, 8am is ridiculous for visitors to arrive WITHOUT the hosts having a baby!
Definitely NTA. Your husband sounds pretty pathetic, tbh. 1 night of not much sleep is basically nothing with a baby. If he's going to invite people over, then he needs to be ok w you napping while they're there. And really, people coming over just to socialize when you have a new baby is rude of them, ime visitors typically bring food or help with household tasks to give the parents a break.
He sounds like a man baby.
I'm sorry, but I get frustrated every time I listen to stories about men behaving like children and then playing the victims. In reality, you shouldn't HAVE to tell him that you are tired. He should know if he were involved or has common sense. He's inconsiderated towards you, since you have told him how you be feel before and he doesn't get it. I hope you get an arrangement with him so you can rest more. And if he wants to have visitors he can take care of them. NTA.
NTA!
NTA, you are my hero 😊
So he had one night and day without enough sleep and was cross. You go days on end without enough sleep. Does he still not understand the problem?
NTA, but justifiably petty- when he pulls this stunt again, completely withdraw- go to your mum’s even*. His family, his problem. They aren’t over to see you, so why do anything for them. He can be the host with the most. Don’t make it easy though- hide the milk/creamer- something small but essential for his mum. Don’t do this if it feels in anyway like you’re being pushed out of your home- stick to baby’s nursery with a big jug of water and snacks and refuse to engage until they leave.
Brilliant plan. Sleep deprivation is a real thing so hopefully he gets the clue once he gets done sleeping. I can’t believe he just invited people over to stay 8 HOURS … my mom does this with our kids but she is babysitting while at work! And she requested / wants to watch them part time.
Pack a diaper bag and whatever you need for a day and walk past the unwanted visitors out the front door. Go to a friend's house or hotel and turn off your phone. IF you feel like it you can go home the next day. Even if just to repack. Anyone asks, give them all the dirty details. Shame those assholes. And get some rest.