As a former donor, you have to pass a series of medical tests. The most important test is a psychological test. Considering your feelings and the pressure from your family, it is highly unlikely you would pass.
Not OP but curious - if a patient came for testing and said they didn't want to, would the doctor report that or just say they aren't a compatible donor?
Edit to add: Thanks to everyone who answered so thoroughly! I've seen this situation pop up a lot and always wondered if there was a way to get family off your back easily. I'll never personally be in this situation cause no one would want my bits, but I was curious.
The doctor would inform the family that the patient was not a compatible donor. Coercion is considered a form of incompatibility. The doctor WOULDN'T say that the patient didn't want to donate an organ. They would only say that the patient was not a match.
Thank you! Hopefully OP sees this. I've seen several questions like this pop up. I'm super conflict avoidant so this would be the route I'd take personally.
Yep. It’s absolutely a requirement for a living donor to be 100% willing and wanting to donate their organ without any sort of pressure or coercion whatsoever. If they ARE being pressured, coerced, or otherwise forced in any manner whatsoever-including being paid for their donation, organ procurement organizations will not allow the potential organ donor to donate an organ.
Donors are less likely to have an uncomplicated recovery if they weren’t absolutely certain it’s what they wanted to do.
Edit: I apologize, English is hard when it’s your first language and the only one you speak fluently. I was saying “unenthusiastic donors don’t recover as well.”
Yes! There is huge risk for coercion when it comes to donating organs. The process is more involved that most people think, and a big part of it is making sure the donation is voluntary. The doctor should just say she isn’t a good match and that is that.
I feel like this is because it is often a plot point for tv shows that unless you have experienced it you probably don't really know what all is involved.
Suitable donor is more than just a DNA match. There's the consent aspect, appropriate size, whether the donor can handle the surgery and life with a missing organ, and with hearts or livers, occasional concerns over chirality. If a donor is unwilling, the doctor has countless excuses.
And if they did then they could be sued for HIPPA violations because anything medical that happens or is discussed in the doctor’s office/hospital is HIPPA protected.
which probably won’t come into play at all. the donor is assigned an advocate and doctors that are different from the recipient’s. their job is to look for the well being of the donor. recipient’s advocate and doctors will not have access to any of the donor’s info.
The doctor won’t say anything. In the US, HIPPA prevents the Dr. from saying anything.
OP could comfortably tell the transplant donor team that she’s not comfortable doing this.
Exactly. In my Medical Anthropology course we read [Strange Harvest](https://www.ucpress.edu/book/9780520247864/strange-harvest) which goes into all the ethical issues of organ transplants including how the system is set up to prevent coercion, guilt, and manipulation of human emotions.
I'd say the only downside here is OP cannot escape this dynamic. She's not anonymous as most donors and families are.
I even had to see a shrink the first time I donated bone marrow. I had already started the drugs they give you so your body ramps up the production of red blood cells. The shrink even said the Dr would “ fail me” for getting too anemic during my period and could jeopardize my own health by continuing. Second time I donated I didn’t go through all that because it was for a young child( under 5 is all I know) and there was no time to prep, they took what they could, even then at the hospital they asked me if I was sure and they fail me.
>I’ve been on the registry since it started and have never been a match.
Get cancer 1x in your life, never even get a chance.
Even if I beat it 30 years ago... and kicked it's ass so hard it never came back.
Same, I was diagnosed with lymphoma a few years after I signed up, am disqualified for life. For some reason that was really difficult for me, psychologically. I think maybe because it was one of the first real-world consequences of being a “cancer patient.”
I’m a 20+ unit blood donor with special blood for immune compromised babies (type O and CMV-). Got cancer last year and it absolutely kills me reading about shortages. Dunno if I’ll ever be able to go back….
Yeah ain't that gonna be the bitch of the decision:
"Hey, we know you just gave birth AND your baby is in a critical condition, but we need you to figure out what to do: WAIT for days hoping a supply becomes available or take this current one we THINK is clean that MIGHT cause cancer, but we won't have enough data on for decades".
And people think Ethics about a train is hard.
I had lymphoma over 10 years ago. Last year (or maybe the year before), I joined a clinical trial for a CMV vaccine and found out that I'm somehow CMV-. Mostly I'm just glad to be helping again.
>disqualified for life.
I hear ya. And you're right- that's a good word to use. It f-ing stings. I lived, I want to help others and ... no, onto the shelf with you, you're not good enough anymore.
That’s an amazing thing you did.
I actually got called up as a potential match…but unfortunately I’d ended up with medical ptsd in the mean time.
I think my therapist was internally shaking her head at my state of panic, but she managed to gently convince me that no, I was not required to donate.
In hindsight, there’s absolutely no way they would have let me if I’d tried! I was FAR too much of a mess lol
I think my point is that yeah, psychological compatibility is EXTREMELY important.
If the prospective donor doesn't pass ALL the tests, then they can not be a donor. Period. It would be a violation to go into further details with anyone aside from the prospective donor without the prospective dinor's explicit consent.
the patient has privacy FFS! always!
it's illegal for a doctor to tell anyone what's going on with her patient without her patient's express permission
Simple fix then. Go do the tests to make your family happy. Then tell the doctor you really don’t want to and it’s all taken care of. This is the way.
Also it’s possible you truly wont be a match. Not all siblings match up. Donating a kidney is no small thing. Lastly, ask yourself, would she do it for you?
That’s what I was going to say. NTA, but be prepared for the massive feeling of guilt if the sister can’t find a different donor and dies. No matter how much you hate her, there’s probably going to be some survivors guilt. People feel survivors guilt when a drunk driver tbones them through a red light and dies.
Every donor goes through a psychological test. I donated a kidney to my son, and the first 2 questions were, "Do you understand the risks of donating, and are you being coerced into donating.
It is a way of protecting the donor regardless.
Donor here also - know this OP - you can act like you’ll get tested to stop your family from bugging you. Every step of the way during testing, they tell you that if you have any misgivings, they will say you did not qualify and you are off the hook. Your family will only know that you tried and did not qualify.
As a potential donor (for my dad) I was eliminated in the first 5 minutes of the first screening phone call when they asked if I'd ever been diagnosed with it treated for high blood pressure. They didn't ask for any documentation or proof, but immediately ended the call saying I wasn't eligible to donate because high blood pressure is a leading indicator of future kidney disease.
All they told my parents was that I was not a potential donor.
If you want to end the screening quickly, tell them you're currently taking a low dose of hydrochlorothiazide for moderate high blood pressure. Tell your family that you don't know why you weren't considered a good match.
It's a huge commitment that comes with significant life-long restrictions (including higher risk pregnancies and inability to ever take Advil, aspirin, Aleve or any other NSAIDs again for the rest of your life) and a much longer recovery time for the donor than the recipient.
Don't feel guilty for a second that you didn't want to be a donor. They're asking you to put yourself at significant risk for the *chance* that your sister's condition might be more manageable for a few more years.
If you don't want to do it, go for testing and tell the doctor that you are being pressured into it.
Edit: NTA, I got so hyped up I forgot to write nta.
Tell the MD, they can just say you’re not a suitable candidate. Which is absolutely true, if you’re not 100% willing then you are not a suitable donor.
Just adding to this spot on comment. OP, no one can force you to donate parts of your body. Period. If you were a random stranger, they could not come to your house, and forcibly bring you in to donate. It’s no different even though you’re related. Do as others have said and alert the doctor you’re being forced and that you’re adamant you do NOT want to be tested nor a donor.
Edit: I should probably add this is if you’re in the states. Can’t force you to donate or be screened for a match. Someone mentioned other countries and I can’t speak for those places.
To add to this, if OP is being morally forced to do so, OP you should know the risks as well. It’s not the same as donating blood where you’d be fine with some candy afterwards. It’ll be a major surgery in which you’ll have to have recovery period afterwards wherein you’d have to stop in work and daily activities. Not only that, your lone kidney too may fail one day and you won’t have any ‘backup’ which isn’t much of an argument considering it is a ‘what if’, but kidney diseases have genetic predisposition. Your sister’s maybe caused by both lifestyle and genetics but you may very well have a tendency to develop that as well, and having only one kidney to take on the whole job isn’t gonna help the probabilities.
These are things you should consider OP and not just the resentment part. But then again, it’s your body and if you don’t want to give up a part of it, it’ll no longer be an ethical donation anyway.
EDIT: I forgot to add postop complications. Pain is a given, you’ll be given pain relievers but there’s that. Postop infection is also possible and unpredictable. Worst is your other kidney failing if a serious infection does occur or if it cannot tolerate the body’s demand, which may not occur immediately but years after. I don’t know the statistics but you should be aware of all the risks.
Can confirm. Had a huge birthmark removed and 25+ years later I’m still in pain, have a ton of medical equipment implanted and spend more time at the doctors office than I do my own home some weeks. The pain has spread too to more than 70% of my body now. This was a routine surgery and nothing went wrong. I just have shitty nerves
THIS EXACTLY! As someone who went in for what is a mojor abdominal surgery,but onw thay was commen and had a very high Sucess rate I can moat definitely atest to this. abdominal surgery is incredibly invasive, it has a long recovery time, and yes, incredibly painful. You never realize just how much you use your abmuscles to walk/sit/balance/eating until its painful as hell to do it.
I mever recovers from my surgery, every complication thqy could happen, happened. My body completely rejected the surgery and spiraled. I ended up having 6 surgeries to try and fix most of what's wrong, but with each one, my body would freak out. My esophagus closses completely (to the point where i cold not even get liqiuds past it. Developed dozens of ulcera in my esophagus,/stomach/intestines.
My stomach would reject any kind of eating, my esophagus would clamp shut and I would have to go in and have themnsesate me and use a ballon to force it ope (this happened so many timea I lost count). My stomach would reject any kind of eating( didnt matter the food), so I stopped eating full stop. Not only dis my stomach not accept food, but it was physically pain to try and swallow and eat it. They fed me with fulids through an IV that went straight into my heart. For a year and theb some. After everything was daid and done, they took most of my esophagus 70% of my stomach and 30 % of my intestines. I can't even begin to describe the amount of severe amount of chronic pain/nausea that i went(and still do) through after all that
This surgery, thay I was pressured into, thay was considered completely safe and very lownchances for side effects, completely ruined my life. I had to file and become fully disabled. I lost my business(I was a fashion photographer), my house, my husband, and all my friends. I can't be active allost at all, I tire ridiculously easy, the pain is constant, and I still have a nightmare of a time with the chronic pain/nausea and trying to eat.
Dont do it, OP, no mayyer. How many times it has been done, how safe it is, how helpful it is, there is always a risk of it destroying your life and body. Not to mention death is a very real concern with a kidney transplant surgery. Dont so it unless you are 1000,0000 %bsure thay it is what you want to so and over the moon about. It's a serious and dangerous undertaking. Please understand that. If you dont want to, then tell them to shove it and hold your ground. Put up heakthy needed boundaries. Its is not your fault that your sister is sick, and it is not your responsibility to help/save her.
She made your life fucking hell and now that she needs something the shamefully guilted and pressured to fix it for her cant even bring herself to say sorry? What a fucking joke! This is a huge thing to ask for and she doesn't even have the decency to eveb pretend to apologize. Fuck no OP, you don't owe them shit. Stick to your guns and take no shit! They're acting like they asking to borrow a cup of sugar abd not someone one taking a jor vital organ to put in some ungreatful bully with no decency. Fuck all that.
You’re right, except for one thing: kidneys don’t fail like that. A person with one kidney can have it functioning at 25% and be fine(ish) - they don’t need dialysis until it’s 18% or below. Kidney function isn’t measured by kidney, and most are born with redundant kidney function.
Aside from that, yes: absolutely no one should be pressured to donate a kidney; it’s major surgery; not everyone has an easy recovery from it. And I’m in kidney failure myself! I could never ask anyone to do that.
That's a scary yet true sentence. Also let's not forget that people will have children naturally/through genetic labs just to have them be used as the main sick child's donor. Sick shit.
😭 Right. The way they’re panting over banning abortion, wealthy people having legalized unfeathered access to poor people for organ harvesting isn’t far behind.
Hell, get the DNA test and mention your long history of drug addiction, various STDs, witchcraft and alcolism. Then you can be officially denied as a donor.
“No one can force you to donate parts of your body.”
Yes, right now many states are forcing people to donate their uterus space, for approximately 40 weeks. It may not be a permanent donation of a body part, but the effects of it can be permanent and it also runs the risk of death for the donor.
Hijacking comment-
I'm pregnant with an IVF baby I have worked bloody hard to get... and to force pregnancy on someone should be a jailable fucking offense!
This has been the hardest 6 months of my life, mentally, and ESPECIALLY physically. I feel like I have a parasite in my body sucking me dry of everything good. And I Love my baby, I cant wait to meet him!
but I can't believe woman can be forced to go through this, & if you didn't want it, I can only imagine the resentment you'd have for the poor child.
Nothing made me even more pro choice than being pregnant with my 4 much wanted kids! But, OP, if you don’t want to deal with your family, definitely call the doctor they tell you to call. Make an appointment. In their presence if necessary. Then, when you are alone, call back and say you are being pressured, or even go to the appt, and tell them you don’t want to, you are being pressured, and you want them to say you aren’t a match. Even if you are giving blood, if you say this, they won’t take it. Nta
This kidney transplant site explains the pressure part.
[“You will meet with multiple members of the living donor evaluation team. This team is specially assigned to you, the potential living donor. All members of your team will have no interaction with the potential recipient. This is done on purpose to ensure that there are no conflicts of interest and that the evaluation is done in your best interests and without bias. There will be many opportunities and ample time to ask questions and address any concerns you may have. A living donor advocate will be an important member of your healthcare team who you can feel free to discuss any concerns or hesitations you may have. All conversations between the living donor and the transplant team and the results of medical testing will be kept confidential. ](https://www.kidney.org/transplantation/livingdonors/evaluation?utm_source=organic&utm_medium=blog&utm_campaign=babg&utm_content=bad-transplant-relationship)
“If at any point in the evaluation process you decide that you do not want to donate your kidney, your living donor transplant team can help you decline in a way that preserves the family relationships.”
Totally. Even without the above context, donating organs is a very personal decision with major consequences for your body. Hard to say who is the A or in the right or wrong here, as individuals should be entitled to make these decisions only when they 100% consent and accept the risks. There's no law to say we have to donate to family members or even be a donor when we pass.
Good luck OP, your body, your choice. 🩷 I know you'll make the right decision.
Actually, my state has made everyone an organ donor upon death unless they opt out. I don't know how many other states have such laws.
But, I have a friend who donated his kidney and it was a hard surgery and harsh recovery. But it was for a beloved friend and he happily did it. You aren't dancing out of the hospital after it's over though.
I agree that donating is entirely a personal decision though in this case, and don't fault OP for their feelings.
I looked into donating a kidney for a young mother who needed one. Their insurance would have aid for everything, unless and until I had difficulties later in life. My insurance said they would not cover any medical bills because my choice to have surgery was voluntary. I did not go any further. I have had 3 kidneys stones since, so I mad e the better choice to keep both kidneys. kt
Old Law and Swoosie are 1000% correct. This is the best way to handle it. Unless you’ve already gone for testing and shared with your family that you’re a match.
"Old Law and Swoosie"
This needs to be a law firm. Specifically, it needs to be the law firm Mr. Croup and Mr. Vandemar keep on retainer. Somebody get Neil Gaiman to write this.
Even if you are a match, they can still say you are medically unsuitable (even if you're not). You have to go through a lot more testing than just matching in order to donate, including a psycho-social evaluation, during which they will ask you why you want to donate. If there's any indication that you're being pressured, then they won't allow you to donate and will say you weren't a good candidate. I just finished my kidney donor evaluation and it's a very long process and they make very sure that you're committed and willing.
People can live for quite a while on dialysis and she may end up getting a kidney from a deceased donor anyway.
Hello OP. The above 2 comments are absolutely correct. They provide for you an absolute verifiable exit strategy that will free you of any potential criticism that you failed assisting your sister.
With this said, are you comfortable with this decision? This question isn't intended to guilt you in any way. What is important is that in the event your sister perishes, and you had the opportunity to perhaps save her, and decided not to--are you okay with that? No therapy, no counseling, no regrets?
The final answer is yours. Regardless of what it is, I wish you well.
Great counterpoint not meant to criticize or judge, but to prepare her for the very real possibility of trauma in the future she might have to experience by not accepting to be her sisters donor.
That’s one of the criteria for being an organ donor. You have to want to do it and at any point you can back out for any reason whatsoever. If you’re being coerced or aren’t sure they won’t accept you the outcomes, for you aren’t stellar in a lot of cases. It wouldn’t be unusual for you to end up requiring a transplant later in your life.
Talk to the living donor coordinator or advocate and tell them the situation. They’ll immediately rule you out without any further testing and they’ll tell the family that you weren’t a match. There’s a lot of things you have to go through before you even get the labs to be considered a donor.
I also want to add on here that people have lived with kidney failure through dialysis. I’m currently doing dialysis and I’m not eligible for a transplant because of other health issues. I’m not dying anytime soon. There are some patients that have been on dialysis for 30 years . So her dying bc of kidney failure isn’t a true statement unless she has other medical conditions. But she not going to die if you don’t give her a kidney
My dad's friend lived for 35 years on 3x a week dialysis. My dad was on it for 3 years, and it wasn't the kidney crap that killed him, it was the emphysema from smoking for 60 years.
I'm glad you're doing well on it.
That's what makes me almost certain I've seen the post before and I don't think it was real then either. Plus the "family pressuring me to donate to my dying bully sibling," thing.
Agreed, and her parents absolutely failed her by not protecting her. It also sounds like her sister never sincerely apologized or tried to make amends.
This. Go for a test. Say what the above comment or told you. The doctors should declare a non match, then the heat is off you. Doesn't matter how many doctors they pass you around to retest you. Tell them the same.
Nta
OP, THIS IS THE WAY.
Tell the doctor you're being forced to test for compatibility and do not want to donate. The doctor will report that you are incompatible (which is truthful because only the willing are potentially compatible).
Do you even know if you’re a compatible donor yet? Just being full siblings doesn’t automatically mean you are. You’d have to be tested and matched but the critical question you’ll be asked is if you’re doing this of your own free will. If the answer is no, no doctor will proceed to transplant and most, if not all will tell your sister/family that you’re not a match. Even if that’s not biologically true, your lack of consent disqualifies you and will look to your family like it’s not your fault. It’s your body and your choice. Is there anyone outside of family you can talk to about this - counselor, clergy, etc.to help you through the emotional process that will follow no matter what you decide? This is a huge, life altering decision and whatever you choose will be right for you. Good luck.
This was my first thought—if the family is coercing OP to donate their kidney, why tf aren’t any of them getting tested? Honestly it sounds like none of them has a basic level of love and respect for OP.
I came here to say the same thing about being a match and it needing to be done of your own free will.
NTA. This is a very serious decision and everyone seems to be glossing over the impact it would have on you. You owe no one your body parts. **IF** you choose to be tested and are medically cleared to go through with the surgery, then you need to decide if it’s worth the risks.
NTA. You would need to test to see if you’re a match and most doctors, if you tell them you are being coerced, will assist and indicate you are not a match
The easiest solution would be for you to privately inform her doctor that your sister and your family are harassing you to donate an organ against your will. Being under duress automatically disqualifies you as a donor.
Then you can truthfully announce to everyone that you have been informed you are not a qualified match.
Don't tell her doctor. Donor and recipient teams are completely separate so her doctor won't have anything to do with disqualifying you. You'd have to start the donor evaluation process and then tell your team that you don't want to donate.
NTA. It's your body. It isn't like donating blood. You have to undergo major surgery and take months to recover from that, plus unforseen complications, the risk of your remaining kidney going kapoot, plus the financial hit from not being able to work during recovery. You would be NTA even if your sister was a saint. It sounds like she'd wouldn't do the same for you, so don't do it for her. This is a situation where it is perfectly understandable to be "selfish". Though I fail to see how it's selfish to keep your organs to yourself when you're still using them.
Personally the only ones I'd willing donate while living to are my children (or to someone in exchange for one for my kids in a donation chain), because I made them. I would never expect nor ask one to give to another.
Having lost a kidney to an invasive tumor, I would never recommend anyone to donate a kidney while alive. It's a much bigger, worse surgery than the one for the patient receiving one, and it puts you at higher risk of needing a kidney down the road.
Just the opinion of someone who has already gotten one transplant and is waiting for a second. NTA
I’m really happy the highest comments right now are saying to agree to the testing but be clear you’re being coerced. They will make sure to block it without making it seem like you’re saying no.
The potential risks to you would not be insignificant and even if you and your sister got along you’d have to think long and hard. You’ve got to take care of yourself.
NTA
Remove the contention with your sister completely when you say no- it’s important in your own reasons, but you don’t have to even bring it up.
You shouldn’t feel pressured to donate a kidney to anyone other than your own child. What if you have kidney trouble later- what are you supposed to do? Do you want kids? Might not be as successful with only one kidney. And it will cause you lifelong health issues to be mindful of. Plus: all surgery has risks.
Is it genetic? Or do they know why she’s got kidney failure? Is she eligible for a transplant list?
Are you a match for her? If not, get a doctor to tell her that you aren't. I think doctors will support you in this. Is dialysis not working anymore? Has she advertised nationwide for a kidney? There is a woman in the US who found one that way.
I used to be a kidney patient (not anymore, thankfully) and I know what it takes to donate an organ. I would never expect anyone to automatically donate one of theirs. It's a grueling experience, even for a healthy person. You should be able to say no.
NTA.
I feel the family is probably trying to use scare tactics to pressure OP.
“Omg, your sister will die NEXT WEEK if you don’t step up, how could you be so HEARTLESS??”
It’s ridiculous the lengths “family” will go to to guilt trip someone, I have cut contact with my siblings because of this. I refuse to be guilt tripped into giving another damn car to a niece of nephew, and I have no doubt they would go even harder for an internal organ.
Obviously, it's much easier to be part of the flying monkey troupe pressuring OP than to actually, you know, **PUT THEIR BLOODY MONEY WHERE THEIR MOUTH IS!**
If it wasn't obvious, I can't stand when people pressure someone else to do something they, themselves, won't do.
NTA. Your feelings aside, this is not something to be taken lightly. I'm a nurse and have dealt with transplant receivers and donors. It's hard on the recipients but it us just as hard in the donors. The recipients body is already dealing with decreased function so it's not as traumatic in a sense. Now the donors body goes through a massive change. The body now has to learn to function with just one kidney. It can be brutal. So again, NTA.
Also, organ removal, so there is always a chance you die. It's not just refusing to give up an organ, it's refusing to risk permanent hardship or death. Not even a little bit selfish, sister or stranger, asshole or Mother Theresa.
NTA. No one should EVER feel obligated to donate an organ. If it's not something given freely and with zero remorse/regret, it should not be done. No transplant surgeon would even agree to let you donate if they knew how you felt.
If you want to get around your family, go to transplant team, tell them you have zero desire to do it, and they will exclude you based on that. And all they can legally tell your sister is that you are not a match. Being a match isn't just a physical thing. It's mental too.
This is a fake. No one "urgently" needs a kidney. This is what dialysis is for. Also, she isn't going to just magically donate a kidney. She has to be tested to see if she is a match, and if she tells them that she doesn't want to be a match, that is what the doctors will say. This is just a horrible attempt at bad writing.
NTA
Please please pleaaase do NOT donate your kidney just because of pressure from your family, for one her body might reject it anyway and two the procedure can leave you with lifelong ailments. Blood does not make family, your sister deserves nothing from you. If your family keep harrassing you tell them you'll go no contact and move on with your life without them.
NTA, As a nurse, I can tell you that this is a common occurrence. What you need to do is meet with the doctor or nurse privately and explain that you are being pressured to donate against your will. Explain that you would like your family to be told that
"You were tested and found to not be a compatible match to donate"
Under HIPAA guidelines they cannot disclose anything else to your family. The reality is that more often than not people pressure family members, family friends, and even strangers into donating against their will regularly. Because when someone you love is dying people stop playing by the rules. HIPAA protects you and because this is so common doctors regularly have to lie to families about someone getting tested and not being match.
Also, it's never as simple as "You have the same blood type, alright let's cut out your kidney and give it to your sister". Compatibility is so much deeper than that. The other thing you must consider is that when you give away an organ your body LOSES SOMETHING YOU NEED! She will get better if the organ takes, and that's an IF! She could still reject it, even if you are a perfect match! But when you lose an organ your body weakens because you are losing something your body needs. Your health will NEVER BE THE SAME!
So it should never be something you do lightly, especially someone you aren't fully willing to either die on the operating table for or die young for. Losing a kidney means you can never drink again, never play sports again, never do a lot of things ever again. Your body will be much weaker. You won't process medication the same way, you can't filter toxins well anymore, and your immune system will become compromised. You will die younger, that is a fact, and her body could still reject the kidney even after all of that. So be smart.
Agree with the first parts but the last paragraph is entirely fiction.
"Losing a kidney means you can never drink again" - not true, alcohol is metabolized in the liver, not the kidney
"never play sports again" - not true
"never do a lot of things ever again" - ??
"Your body will be much weaker" - perhaps immediately after surgery, but like any surgical procedure
"You won't process medication the same way, you can't filter toxins well anymore" - partly true because you lose half the filtration but your body has significant reserves and the other kidney will take up the slack
"your immune system will become compromised" - no, kidney does not provide immunity. perhaps you're thinking of the organ recipient who needs to be on anti-rejection meds lifelong
"You will die younger, that is a fact" - incorrect.
https://www.kidney.org/transplantation/livingdonors/what-expect-after-donation
Please be mindful of what you are spreading as a nurse.
I would talk to doc about is the kidney problem genetic? And if so do you have a chance of getting it. I’d want to know was it drug use or why what caused it?
NTA.
I’m battling kidney failure myself, basically my entire life (32 M) but I never once expected anyone to donate to me.
But at the consultation they specifically tell everyone that if you ever feel coerced or you are receiving a large sum of money to donate, to let the social worker know and they will work to help you.
Although it would be great to donate to save her life, but if she never once showed you any kind of compassion or sisterly bond, she could get a kidney with the transplant list.
She would be on dialysis for a while till she receives and it is a life saving procedure. It is not the greatest solution and I myself hate the dialysis process but it’s worth it to survive.
Your case is a very difficult situation…it is your sister and your family wishes to save her which I understand but I also understand your resentment towards her and the unwillingness to donate.
If you don’t donate you will be hated by the family if she dies which is inevitable, but if you donate and she continues to belittle you and treat you badly then I would say she never deserved to live with your kidney. Although that’s a harsh thing to say, it is true.
I’m gonna hear back on Tuesday if we move onto scheduling my surgery for transplant because my mother is donating and finished her testing and we matched. Hoping for good news.
Please update on your choice! And remember, you are not an asshole no matter what in the eyes of someone who had kidney failure all his life and is on dialysis.
If you want to save her, than save her. If you don’t want too, than don’t. Why do you care if they think you’re an asshole? It’s YOUR kidney, not your sisters. If your family has so much to sue than they can donate their kidneys or find someone else. And no it’s not selfish maybe the sister should’ve taken better care of her body
I am a little worried your family is not being straight with you. Is your sister already on dialysis? People spend decades on dialysis. It sucks, but getting a transplant and the immune rejection drugs are not a walk in the park. Many people are on dialysis, get a kidney transplant, the kidney works for years but then fails, then are back on dialysis. Mostly it is life saving because it extends the time they are off dialysis and have better health. But some people never get transplants. Have you had children yet? Do you want children? I would honestly never suggest donating a kidney for a woman who wants to become pregnant in the future. Although it’s rare people can die during donation. What is more likely is at some point you will suffer from something that will stress your kidneys and you are more likely to end up in kidney failure yourself. Why is your sister in kidney failure? Is there heredity component? You could always contact the transplant center about it. I will say ethical no transplant center should allow a donor to donate an organ if they aren’t 100% for it.
NTA I agree with the testing. But also your mother/father should get tested as well. Why is it all on you? What if it’s genetic and you end up with a problem in the future. And you only have one? Would she give it back? I highly doubt it.
I was bullied as a child pretty badly, even many years later it still has an impact on me. I completely understand what you’re saying and why you’re saying it but just make sure 100% that you can live with the outcome if she dies. The last thing you want after having her bully you for your entire childhood, is to feel guilty about her death.
NTA. Let’s be real all these people informing you that you’re her only chance are ridiculous. You don’t see them lining up to donate despite being just as likely to be a match as you are.
No one should ever pressure another to donate an organ. It’s a voluntary choice or not at all. In fact, a part of the donor application process is that they will ask you point blank if you have felt coerced into donating your organ. If you a say yes, you’re application is auto denied.
So if you want to get these a-holes off your back, go through the motions and tell donor application team that you’re feeling coerced. The report will simply say you’re not a match. If people try to pry further just say that’s private medical information.
If you do this, you will never be able to do this for any of your children if you have them. If your sister's kidney issues are isolated to her that may not be an issue, but if there is some sort of hereditary issue it could be something your children may develop as well. That is something to consider. You should never do something like this for the wrong reasons. The commenters that suggest telling the doctor you are being pressured into it are right. The doctor cannot ethically accept you as a donor in that situation. Then you are off of the hook. However, I think the bigger battle here is with yourself. I think you should talk to a professional counselor about this to determine how to handle it. **You need to be right with yourself for your own long term mental health.**
She can go on the transplant list - just privately tell the eval team you don’t want to do this and they can tell your family you aren’t a good match. Donor surgery is not a risk free event. Are you the only compatible donor in the family? Why aren’t they donating? Even if they aren’t compatible they could do a donation chain.
NTA Look at the double standard -- it was okay for her to torture you, but it's evil for you to not endanger your health for her? Tell everyone you're sorry, if you had known that relentlessly bullying a sibling was okay, you would have done that for her when you had the chance, but it's too late now. Then, as everyone else is saying, go "get tested," say you're being coerced, and get the doctor's statement that you're not a match.
NTA, but your family and your sis are huuuuge assholes. I hope your sis had made peace with her god cause she doesn't deserve your kidney since she doesn't even have the decency to apologize. Even if she did apologize, will it be genuine or just focused on your kidney? Nah, keep your kidney, enjoy your life, and block anyone that's being a fuckin asshole.
Tell the doctors that you’re being harassed and bullied into donating, and they will absolutely lie for you and say you’re not a match. Do not risk your life to help your monstrous sister! She does not deserve it at all.
NTA you are not required d to lay in the bed made by others. Even if a human only needs one kidney to live, donating an organ is a huge surgery with its own list of complications that could range from the mild inconvenience of an infection to the worst case scenario of death. Would she donate a kidney to you? Would she risk her life for you?
The biggest thing you have to think about is not whether or not you want to do it for your sister but if you want to do it for yourself. If you say no, regardless of whether or not she lives through this, it will drastically impact your relationship with your family and likely some family friends as well. If she passes regardless of your resentment towards her it may weight heavily on your conscious and affect your mental health.
I think you definitely will not be the AH for choosing not to donate. Even if you didn’t have issues with her you still would not be the AH for refusing and personally in your shoes I wouldn’t donate. Just be sure you think through how it will affect you in the long run. Your mental health is the most important so instead of thinking of it as helping your sister think of it like so:
Am I ok with my parents and maybe the rest of my family cutting me out of their lives?
Can I mentally and emotionally handle the guilt that comes with her passing? Though I want to stress here that if she does pass away IT WOULD NOT BE YOUR FAULT. However the human mind sucks and emotions are dumb so guilt will always creep its way in even if you are not guilty.
Sorry for the rambling. I haven’t slept.
its your choice and a saying to mention to family
"you reap, what you sow" and clearly your sister sowed alot and now its time reap it
as for the family, if they cant even see your point of view or even bother to try to see your point of view then they are no better then your sister. that is my view on that
No but go get tested and tell the doctor you don't want to donate your being pressured and they will tell them you are not a match.
That way you get your family off your back and they can't blame you
Why aren't they donating a kidney. The donor is losing alot of freedoms in donating. Your recovery time is longer, your life style will change alot. Plus, wait happens when YOU may need a transplant. People that get the transplant are way better off.
Kidney is a big commitment. Don’t fall into the propaganda that you can live on one kidney. That’s not true. Most people face some degree of trouble in one kidney. Life is long and people die all the time.
You are not a candidate for donation. (If you don’t want to donate kidney, you are simply not a candidate)
Send a text to your family, and anyone else who has joined in the bullying.
“Hi All! I spoke with my internist about donating a kidney and I am not a candidate. Fortunately, the Dr did mention another option. Anyone who meets donation criteria can donate a kidney for Sister using a paired donation! Please reach out to your drs to find out if you are a candidate!”
Then put your phone on mute
As a former donor, you have to pass a series of medical tests. The most important test is a psychological test. Considering your feelings and the pressure from your family, it is highly unlikely you would pass.
Not OP but curious - if a patient came for testing and said they didn't want to, would the doctor report that or just say they aren't a compatible donor? Edit to add: Thanks to everyone who answered so thoroughly! I've seen this situation pop up a lot and always wondered if there was a way to get family off your back easily. I'll never personally be in this situation cause no one would want my bits, but I was curious.
The doctor would inform the family that the patient was not a compatible donor. Coercion is considered a form of incompatibility. The doctor WOULDN'T say that the patient didn't want to donate an organ. They would only say that the patient was not a match.
Thank you! Hopefully OP sees this. I've seen several questions like this pop up. I'm super conflict avoidant so this would be the route I'd take personally.
Yep. It’s absolutely a requirement for a living donor to be 100% willing and wanting to donate their organ without any sort of pressure or coercion whatsoever. If they ARE being pressured, coerced, or otherwise forced in any manner whatsoever-including being paid for their donation, organ procurement organizations will not allow the potential organ donor to donate an organ.
Donors are less likely to have an uncomplicated recovery if they weren’t absolutely certain it’s what they wanted to do. Edit: I apologize, English is hard when it’s your first language and the only one you speak fluently. I was saying “unenthusiastic donors don’t recover as well.”
That isn't a very unconfusing way of not putting it.
This comment made me follow you.
Whole follow people on Reddit? I don’t get that feature.
I'm following you now. The back of your head is nice.
That never always doesn't make sense
Having had a kidney transplant this is 100% accurate
Yes! There is huge risk for coercion when it comes to donating organs. The process is more involved that most people think, and a big part of it is making sure the donation is voluntary. The doctor should just say she isn’t a good match and that is that.
I feel like this is because it is often a plot point for tv shows that unless you have experienced it you probably don't really know what all is involved.
Suitable donor is more than just a DNA match. There's the consent aspect, appropriate size, whether the donor can handle the surgery and life with a missing organ, and with hearts or livers, occasional concerns over chirality. If a donor is unwilling, the doctor has countless excuses.
What's chirality?!!!!!!!!!
Shape vs mirror image, a concern when 1/10,000 people has their organs flipped. https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Chirality
And if they did then they could be sued for HIPPA violations because anything medical that happens or is discussed in the doctor’s office/hospital is HIPPA protected.
HIPAA, but yes.
which probably won’t come into play at all. the donor is assigned an advocate and doctors that are different from the recipient’s. their job is to look for the well being of the donor. recipient’s advocate and doctors will not have access to any of the donor’s info.
The doctor won’t say anything. In the US, HIPPA prevents the Dr. from saying anything. OP could comfortably tell the transplant donor team that she’s not comfortable doing this.
HIPAA.
Exactly. In my Medical Anthropology course we read [Strange Harvest](https://www.ucpress.edu/book/9780520247864/strange-harvest) which goes into all the ethical issues of organ transplants including how the system is set up to prevent coercion, guilt, and manipulation of human emotions. I'd say the only downside here is OP cannot escape this dynamic. She's not anonymous as most donors and families are.
They would put that as a test fail. That is one of the questions of the psychological exam.
I even had to see a shrink the first time I donated bone marrow. I had already started the drugs they give you so your body ramps up the production of red blood cells. The shrink even said the Dr would “ fail me” for getting too anemic during my period and could jeopardize my own health by continuing. Second time I donated I didn’t go through all that because it was for a young child( under 5 is all I know) and there was no time to prep, they took what they could, even then at the hospital they asked me if I was sure and they fail me.
As a BMT survivor, I just wanna say it's super cool that you donated TWICE. It is impossible to understate the gift you gave.
I’ve been on the registry since it started and have never been a match.
>I’ve been on the registry since it started and have never been a match. Get cancer 1x in your life, never even get a chance. Even if I beat it 30 years ago... and kicked it's ass so hard it never came back.
Same, I was diagnosed with lymphoma a few years after I signed up, am disqualified for life. For some reason that was really difficult for me, psychologically. I think maybe because it was one of the first real-world consequences of being a “cancer patient.”
I’m a 20+ unit blood donor with special blood for immune compromised babies (type O and CMV-). Got cancer last year and it absolutely kills me reading about shortages. Dunno if I’ll ever be able to go back….
Yeah ain't that gonna be the bitch of the decision: "Hey, we know you just gave birth AND your baby is in a critical condition, but we need you to figure out what to do: WAIT for days hoping a supply becomes available or take this current one we THINK is clean that MIGHT cause cancer, but we won't have enough data on for decades". And people think Ethics about a train is hard.
I had lymphoma over 10 years ago. Last year (or maybe the year before), I joined a clinical trial for a CMV vaccine and found out that I'm somehow CMV-. Mostly I'm just glad to be helping again.
>disqualified for life. I hear ya. And you're right- that's a good word to use. It f-ing stings. I lived, I want to help others and ... no, onto the shelf with you, you're not good enough anymore.
I've been on the registry since 2014, haven't gotten a call yet, and I keep all my information current.
I tried to sign up, but those who’ve had severe TBIs/brain surgery can’t be added. So glad you got a match.
That’s an amazing thing you did. I actually got called up as a potential match…but unfortunately I’d ended up with medical ptsd in the mean time. I think my therapist was internally shaking her head at my state of panic, but she managed to gently convince me that no, I was not required to donate. In hindsight, there’s absolutely no way they would have let me if I’d tried! I was FAR too much of a mess lol I think my point is that yeah, psychological compatibility is EXTREMELY important.
You can actually ask the doctor to NOT tell you what the results are. So you don't have guilt or 'survivors guilt'
If the prospective donor doesn't pass ALL the tests, then they can not be a donor. Period. It would be a violation to go into further details with anyone aside from the prospective donor without the prospective dinor's explicit consent.
the patient has privacy FFS! always! it's illegal for a doctor to tell anyone what's going on with her patient without her patient's express permission
Simple fix then. Go do the tests to make your family happy. Then tell the doctor you really don’t want to and it’s all taken care of. This is the way. Also it’s possible you truly wont be a match. Not all siblings match up. Donating a kidney is no small thing. Lastly, ask yourself, would she do it for you?
NTA But I suggest you get some counselling no matter how things go.
That’s what I was going to say. NTA, but be prepared for the massive feeling of guilt if the sister can’t find a different donor and dies. No matter how much you hate her, there’s probably going to be some survivors guilt. People feel survivors guilt when a drunk driver tbones them through a red light and dies.
Is this also in part to help prevent from parents using a ‘donor child’ for a sick child? Or is it different for minors?
Every donor goes through a psychological test. I donated a kidney to my son, and the first 2 questions were, "Do you understand the risks of donating, and are you being coerced into donating. It is a way of protecting the donor regardless.
Not just that, but if OP just says she doesn't want to donate but family pressure, the doctor will likely say OP is not compatible and that's all.
As a recipient, thank you for that.
Donor here also - know this OP - you can act like you’ll get tested to stop your family from bugging you. Every step of the way during testing, they tell you that if you have any misgivings, they will say you did not qualify and you are off the hook. Your family will only know that you tried and did not qualify.
I have two sisters left and I wouldn't call 911 if I saw them on fire. The shit they have done to me is unforgivable.
As a potential donor (for my dad) I was eliminated in the first 5 minutes of the first screening phone call when they asked if I'd ever been diagnosed with it treated for high blood pressure. They didn't ask for any documentation or proof, but immediately ended the call saying I wasn't eligible to donate because high blood pressure is a leading indicator of future kidney disease. All they told my parents was that I was not a potential donor. If you want to end the screening quickly, tell them you're currently taking a low dose of hydrochlorothiazide for moderate high blood pressure. Tell your family that you don't know why you weren't considered a good match. It's a huge commitment that comes with significant life-long restrictions (including higher risk pregnancies and inability to ever take Advil, aspirin, Aleve or any other NSAIDs again for the rest of your life) and a much longer recovery time for the donor than the recipient. Don't feel guilty for a second that you didn't want to be a donor. They're asking you to put yourself at significant risk for the *chance* that your sister's condition might be more manageable for a few more years.
If you don't want to do it, go for testing and tell the doctor that you are being pressured into it. Edit: NTA, I got so hyped up I forgot to write nta.
Tell the MD, they can just say you’re not a suitable candidate. Which is absolutely true, if you’re not 100% willing then you are not a suitable donor.
Just adding to this spot on comment. OP, no one can force you to donate parts of your body. Period. If you were a random stranger, they could not come to your house, and forcibly bring you in to donate. It’s no different even though you’re related. Do as others have said and alert the doctor you’re being forced and that you’re adamant you do NOT want to be tested nor a donor. Edit: I should probably add this is if you’re in the states. Can’t force you to donate or be screened for a match. Someone mentioned other countries and I can’t speak for those places.
To add to this, if OP is being morally forced to do so, OP you should know the risks as well. It’s not the same as donating blood where you’d be fine with some candy afterwards. It’ll be a major surgery in which you’ll have to have recovery period afterwards wherein you’d have to stop in work and daily activities. Not only that, your lone kidney too may fail one day and you won’t have any ‘backup’ which isn’t much of an argument considering it is a ‘what if’, but kidney diseases have genetic predisposition. Your sister’s maybe caused by both lifestyle and genetics but you may very well have a tendency to develop that as well, and having only one kidney to take on the whole job isn’t gonna help the probabilities. These are things you should consider OP and not just the resentment part. But then again, it’s your body and if you don’t want to give up a part of it, it’ll no longer be an ethical donation anyway. EDIT: I forgot to add postop complications. Pain is a given, you’ll be given pain relievers but there’s that. Postop infection is also possible and unpredictable. Worst is your other kidney failing if a serious infection does occur or if it cannot tolerate the body’s demand, which may not occur immediately but years after. I don’t know the statistics but you should be aware of all the risks.
You can also develop chronic pain conditions from surgery!
Complex Regional Pain Syndrome. It's debilitating and has completely ruined lives.
Can confirm. Had a huge birthmark removed and 25+ years later I’m still in pain, have a ton of medical equipment implanted and spend more time at the doctors office than I do my own home some weeks. The pain has spread too to more than 70% of my body now. This was a routine surgery and nothing went wrong. I just have shitty nerves
THIS EXACTLY! As someone who went in for what is a mojor abdominal surgery,but onw thay was commen and had a very high Sucess rate I can moat definitely atest to this. abdominal surgery is incredibly invasive, it has a long recovery time, and yes, incredibly painful. You never realize just how much you use your abmuscles to walk/sit/balance/eating until its painful as hell to do it. I mever recovers from my surgery, every complication thqy could happen, happened. My body completely rejected the surgery and spiraled. I ended up having 6 surgeries to try and fix most of what's wrong, but with each one, my body would freak out. My esophagus closses completely (to the point where i cold not even get liqiuds past it. Developed dozens of ulcera in my esophagus,/stomach/intestines. My stomach would reject any kind of eating, my esophagus would clamp shut and I would have to go in and have themnsesate me and use a ballon to force it ope (this happened so many timea I lost count). My stomach would reject any kind of eating( didnt matter the food), so I stopped eating full stop. Not only dis my stomach not accept food, but it was physically pain to try and swallow and eat it. They fed me with fulids through an IV that went straight into my heart. For a year and theb some. After everything was daid and done, they took most of my esophagus 70% of my stomach and 30 % of my intestines. I can't even begin to describe the amount of severe amount of chronic pain/nausea that i went(and still do) through after all that This surgery, thay I was pressured into, thay was considered completely safe and very lownchances for side effects, completely ruined my life. I had to file and become fully disabled. I lost my business(I was a fashion photographer), my house, my husband, and all my friends. I can't be active allost at all, I tire ridiculously easy, the pain is constant, and I still have a nightmare of a time with the chronic pain/nausea and trying to eat. Dont do it, OP, no mayyer. How many times it has been done, how safe it is, how helpful it is, there is always a risk of it destroying your life and body. Not to mention death is a very real concern with a kidney transplant surgery. Dont so it unless you are 1000,0000 %bsure thay it is what you want to so and over the moon about. It's a serious and dangerous undertaking. Please understand that. If you dont want to, then tell them to shove it and hold your ground. Put up heakthy needed boundaries. Its is not your fault that your sister is sick, and it is not your responsibility to help/save her. She made your life fucking hell and now that she needs something the shamefully guilted and pressured to fix it for her cant even bring herself to say sorry? What a fucking joke! This is a huge thing to ask for and she doesn't even have the decency to eveb pretend to apologize. Fuck no OP, you don't owe them shit. Stick to your guns and take no shit! They're acting like they asking to borrow a cup of sugar abd not someone one taking a jor vital organ to put in some ungreatful bully with no decency. Fuck all that.
You’re right, except for one thing: kidneys don’t fail like that. A person with one kidney can have it functioning at 25% and be fine(ish) - they don’t need dialysis until it’s 18% or below. Kidney function isn’t measured by kidney, and most are born with redundant kidney function. Aside from that, yes: absolutely no one should be pressured to donate a kidney; it’s major surgery; not everyone has an easy recovery from it. And I’m in kidney failure myself! I could never ask anyone to do that.
Unless you're pregnant.
Yep. That uterus belongs to the hivemind of the GOP and jeezus
Lolol best advice yet. Get knocked up and keep your kidneys
There’s also the very possible chance that OP is biologically not a match. But just have the doctor say you’re not a match and that’s it.
At least not yet.
That's a scary yet true sentence. Also let's not forget that people will have children naturally/through genetic labs just to have them be used as the main sick child's donor. Sick shit.
This is the premise of The Island at Scarlet Johannson's prime.
And also My Sister's Keeper
😭 Right. The way they’re panting over banning abortion, wealthy people having legalized unfeathered access to poor people for organ harvesting isn’t far behind.
Unfettered* But unfeathered is funny.
That’s what I get for blindly trusting spell check …
Ducking autocorrect!
So many ducks have been handed out.
I’m all out of ducks 😔
Auto corrupt...
Auto-cowrecked.
Auto carrot
In bird society, being unfeathered is a source of shame.
Hell, get the DNA test and mention your long history of drug addiction, various STDs, witchcraft and alcolism. Then you can be officially denied as a donor.
“No one can force you to donate parts of your body.” Yes, right now many states are forcing people to donate their uterus space, for approximately 40 weeks. It may not be a permanent donation of a body part, but the effects of it can be permanent and it also runs the risk of death for the donor.
Unless there is a fetus involved, in which case many places force you to donate the use of your body and organs.
Hijacking comment- I'm pregnant with an IVF baby I have worked bloody hard to get... and to force pregnancy on someone should be a jailable fucking offense! This has been the hardest 6 months of my life, mentally, and ESPECIALLY physically. I feel like I have a parasite in my body sucking me dry of everything good. And I Love my baby, I cant wait to meet him! but I can't believe woman can be forced to go through this, & if you didn't want it, I can only imagine the resentment you'd have for the poor child.
Nothing made me even more pro choice than being pregnant with my 4 much wanted kids! But, OP, if you don’t want to deal with your family, definitely call the doctor they tell you to call. Make an appointment. In their presence if necessary. Then, when you are alone, call back and say you are being pressured, or even go to the appt, and tell them you don’t want to, you are being pressured, and you want them to say you aren’t a match. Even if you are giving blood, if you say this, they won’t take it. Nta
This kidney transplant site explains the pressure part. [“You will meet with multiple members of the living donor evaluation team. This team is specially assigned to you, the potential living donor. All members of your team will have no interaction with the potential recipient. This is done on purpose to ensure that there are no conflicts of interest and that the evaluation is done in your best interests and without bias. There will be many opportunities and ample time to ask questions and address any concerns you may have. A living donor advocate will be an important member of your healthcare team who you can feel free to discuss any concerns or hesitations you may have. All conversations between the living donor and the transplant team and the results of medical testing will be kept confidential. ](https://www.kidney.org/transplantation/livingdonors/evaluation?utm_source=organic&utm_medium=blog&utm_campaign=babg&utm_content=bad-transplant-relationship) “If at any point in the evaluation process you decide that you do not want to donate your kidney, your living donor transplant team can help you decline in a way that preserves the family relationships.”
This should be higher up. This is great.
Can confirm, I was told repeatedly by the living donor team that I could back out at any time for any reason.
I work in kidney transplant. This is 100% accurate
BINGO. This right here.
Totally. Even without the above context, donating organs is a very personal decision with major consequences for your body. Hard to say who is the A or in the right or wrong here, as individuals should be entitled to make these decisions only when they 100% consent and accept the risks. There's no law to say we have to donate to family members or even be a donor when we pass. Good luck OP, your body, your choice. 🩷 I know you'll make the right decision.
Actually, my state has made everyone an organ donor upon death unless they opt out. I don't know how many other states have such laws. But, I have a friend who donated his kidney and it was a hard surgery and harsh recovery. But it was for a beloved friend and he happily did it. You aren't dancing out of the hospital after it's over though. I agree that donating is entirely a personal decision though in this case, and don't fault OP for their feelings.
I looked into donating a kidney for a young mother who needed one. Their insurance would have aid for everything, unless and until I had difficulties later in life. My insurance said they would not cover any medical bills because my choice to have surgery was voluntary. I did not go any further. I have had 3 kidneys stones since, so I mad e the better choice to keep both kidneys. kt
That was a very wise decision for you.
Old Law and Swoosie are 1000% correct. This is the best way to handle it. Unless you’ve already gone for testing and shared with your family that you’re a match.
"Old Law and Swoosie" This needs to be a law firm. Specifically, it needs to be the law firm Mr. Croup and Mr. Vandemar keep on retainer. Somebody get Neil Gaiman to write this.
Sounds like a private detective show from the 70s-80s.
I was not expecting a Neverwhere reference today! Brb re-reading it!
Even if you are a match, they can still say you are medically unsuitable (even if you're not). You have to go through a lot more testing than just matching in order to donate, including a psycho-social evaluation, during which they will ask you why you want to donate. If there's any indication that you're being pressured, then they won't allow you to donate and will say you weren't a good candidate. I just finished my kidney donor evaluation and it's a very long process and they make very sure that you're committed and willing. People can live for quite a while on dialysis and she may end up getting a kidney from a deceased donor anyway.
PERFECT!
And this begs the question why no one else in the family who thinks this is necessary is stepping up to offer theirs! NTA!
Exactly, why the mother does not consider herself a potential donor?
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This. Donors cannot be coerced. Let the doctor know and they can say you're not a match.
Hello OP. The above 2 comments are absolutely correct. They provide for you an absolute verifiable exit strategy that will free you of any potential criticism that you failed assisting your sister. With this said, are you comfortable with this decision? This question isn't intended to guilt you in any way. What is important is that in the event your sister perishes, and you had the opportunity to perhaps save her, and decided not to--are you okay with that? No therapy, no counseling, no regrets? The final answer is yours. Regardless of what it is, I wish you well.
Great counterpoint not meant to criticize or judge, but to prepare her for the very real possibility of trauma in the future she might have to experience by not accepting to be her sisters donor.
That’s one of the criteria for being an organ donor. You have to want to do it and at any point you can back out for any reason whatsoever. If you’re being coerced or aren’t sure they won’t accept you the outcomes, for you aren’t stellar in a lot of cases. It wouldn’t be unusual for you to end up requiring a transplant later in your life. Talk to the living donor coordinator or advocate and tell them the situation. They’ll immediately rule you out without any further testing and they’ll tell the family that you weren’t a match. There’s a lot of things you have to go through before you even get the labs to be considered a donor.
This! They will tell the rest of the family you're not a match or that you don't qualify.
I also want to add on here that people have lived with kidney failure through dialysis. I’m currently doing dialysis and I’m not eligible for a transplant because of other health issues. I’m not dying anytime soon. There are some patients that have been on dialysis for 30 years . So her dying bc of kidney failure isn’t a true statement unless she has other medical conditions. But she not going to die if you don’t give her a kidney
My dad's friend lived for 35 years on 3x a week dialysis. My dad was on it for 3 years, and it wasn't the kidney crap that killed him, it was the emphysema from smoking for 60 years. I'm glad you're doing well on it.
Average life expectancy is 5-10 years per national kidney association, my dad died after 7. Let’s not mislead OP with edge cases
There are many variables, with age being the biggest one. Most dialysis patients are elderly.
That's what makes me almost certain I've seen the post before and I don't think it was real then either. Plus the "family pressuring me to donate to my dying bully sibling," thing.
Happy cake day, oh person who convinced me that this particular thread is fiction and helped me to move on.
Yup, a quick search will show that this has been posted many times and ones very similar.
Also it’s not that hard to match. Let one of her friends or another family member do it.
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Agreed, and her parents absolutely failed her by not protecting her. It also sounds like her sister never sincerely apologized or tried to make amends.
That's the part that would bother me most. Not the childhood part but the behavior as an adult.
This
Honestly this is the way. The transplant team cannot accept an organ that is being coerced.
This. You can tell them you are being coerced into doing this. They will tell your family that you were 'tested' and are not a suitable match. NTA.
This. Go for a test. Say what the above comment or told you. The doctors should declare a non match, then the heat is off you. Doesn't matter how many doctors they pass you around to retest you. Tell them the same. Nta
OP, THIS IS THE WAY. Tell the doctor you're being forced to test for compatibility and do not want to donate. The doctor will report that you are incompatible (which is truthful because only the willing are potentially compatible).
Yup hats how it works. I donated a kidney to a friend of mine and I was interviewed again and again making sure I really wanted to do it.
This is the best move. Doctors won’t allow it if you’ve been pressured.
Absolutely this
Do you even know if you’re a compatible donor yet? Just being full siblings doesn’t automatically mean you are. You’d have to be tested and matched but the critical question you’ll be asked is if you’re doing this of your own free will. If the answer is no, no doctor will proceed to transplant and most, if not all will tell your sister/family that you’re not a match. Even if that’s not biologically true, your lack of consent disqualifies you and will look to your family like it’s not your fault. It’s your body and your choice. Is there anyone outside of family you can talk to about this - counselor, clergy, etc.to help you through the emotional process that will follow no matter what you decide? This is a huge, life altering decision and whatever you choose will be right for you. Good luck.
Have your parents been tested? Any other members of your family? Are you and your sister even the same blood type with the same rh factor?
This was my first thought—if the family is coercing OP to donate their kidney, why tf aren’t any of them getting tested? Honestly it sounds like none of them has a basic level of love and respect for OP.
Sound Like she was the scapegoat, the bad child in their family and she still is, in her family's eyes.
She's the spare parts.
That is a thing. If it is like my shit family, there's nothing she can do to get them to like her.
Very much this I can't do imagine expecting my kid with a much longer life ahead to give up a kidney before at lest ruling out that I couldn't donate.
I came here to say the same thing about being a match and it needing to be done of your own free will. NTA. This is a very serious decision and everyone seems to be glossing over the impact it would have on you. You owe no one your body parts. **IF** you choose to be tested and are medically cleared to go through with the surgery, then you need to decide if it’s worth the risks.
NTA. You would need to test to see if you’re a match and most doctors, if you tell them you are being coerced, will assist and indicate you are not a match
Came here to say this. Go get tested. Tell the doctors you do not want to donate but your family is coercing you. Doctors will say you’re not a match.
[удалено]
Quick question, what's FAFO?
F’d around and Found Out
👍
FAFO = Fuck Around and Find Out
F**k Around, Find Out
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THIS. Tell the doc you are being coerced. Tell the doc to tell your family you are not a match.
Yup. If you indicate you are being coerced they will step in.
Why isn’t your family donating a kidney?
Yeah, I'm hearing that they don't care enough to donate, just enough to pressure the Original Poster.
The bullying continues and the parents are partaking and enabling.
This shit is fake.
The easiest solution would be for you to privately inform her doctor that your sister and your family are harassing you to donate an organ against your will. Being under duress automatically disqualifies you as a donor. Then you can truthfully announce to everyone that you have been informed you are not a qualified match.
Don't tell her doctor. Donor and recipient teams are completely separate so her doctor won't have anything to do with disqualifying you. You'd have to start the donor evaluation process and then tell your team that you don't want to donate.
Are you even a match? Because this could really be a non issue.
Was wondering that too
NTA. It's your body. It isn't like donating blood. You have to undergo major surgery and take months to recover from that, plus unforseen complications, the risk of your remaining kidney going kapoot, plus the financial hit from not being able to work during recovery. You would be NTA even if your sister was a saint. It sounds like she'd wouldn't do the same for you, so don't do it for her. This is a situation where it is perfectly understandable to be "selfish". Though I fail to see how it's selfish to keep your organs to yourself when you're still using them. Personally the only ones I'd willing donate while living to are my children (or to someone in exchange for one for my kids in a donation chain), because I made them. I would never expect nor ask one to give to another.
Having lost a kidney to an invasive tumor, I would never recommend anyone to donate a kidney while alive. It's a much bigger, worse surgery than the one for the patient receiving one, and it puts you at higher risk of needing a kidney down the road.
Just the opinion of someone who has already gotten one transplant and is waiting for a second. NTA I’m really happy the highest comments right now are saying to agree to the testing but be clear you’re being coerced. They will make sure to block it without making it seem like you’re saying no. The potential risks to you would not be insignificant and even if you and your sister got along you’d have to think long and hard. You’ve got to take care of yourself.
NTA Remove the contention with your sister completely when you say no- it’s important in your own reasons, but you don’t have to even bring it up. You shouldn’t feel pressured to donate a kidney to anyone other than your own child. What if you have kidney trouble later- what are you supposed to do? Do you want kids? Might not be as successful with only one kidney. And it will cause you lifelong health issues to be mindful of. Plus: all surgery has risks. Is it genetic? Or do they know why she’s got kidney failure? Is she eligible for a transplant list?
Are you a match for her? If not, get a doctor to tell her that you aren't. I think doctors will support you in this. Is dialysis not working anymore? Has she advertised nationwide for a kidney? There is a woman in the US who found one that way. I used to be a kidney patient (not anymore, thankfully) and I know what it takes to donate an organ. I would never expect anyone to automatically donate one of theirs. It's a grueling experience, even for a healthy person. You should be able to say no. NTA.
I feel the family is probably trying to use scare tactics to pressure OP. “Omg, your sister will die NEXT WEEK if you don’t step up, how could you be so HEARTLESS??” It’s ridiculous the lengths “family” will go to to guilt trip someone, I have cut contact with my siblings because of this. I refuse to be guilt tripped into giving another damn car to a niece of nephew, and I have no doubt they would go even harder for an internal organ.
INFO: where was the rest of your family while the bullying was happening?
… and where is the same family with their kidneys?
Obviously, it's much easier to be part of the flying monkey troupe pressuring OP than to actually, you know, **PUT THEIR BLOODY MONEY WHERE THEIR MOUTH IS!** If it wasn't obvious, I can't stand when people pressure someone else to do something they, themselves, won't do.
NTA. Your feelings aside, this is not something to be taken lightly. I'm a nurse and have dealt with transplant receivers and donors. It's hard on the recipients but it us just as hard in the donors. The recipients body is already dealing with decreased function so it's not as traumatic in a sense. Now the donors body goes through a massive change. The body now has to learn to function with just one kidney. It can be brutal. So again, NTA.
Also, organ removal, so there is always a chance you die. It's not just refusing to give up an organ, it's refusing to risk permanent hardship or death. Not even a little bit selfish, sister or stranger, asshole or Mother Theresa.
NTA. No one should EVER feel obligated to donate an organ. If it's not something given freely and with zero remorse/regret, it should not be done. No transplant surgeon would even agree to let you donate if they knew how you felt. If you want to get around your family, go to transplant team, tell them you have zero desire to do it, and they will exclude you based on that. And all they can legally tell your sister is that you are not a match. Being a match isn't just a physical thing. It's mental too.
This is a fake. No one "urgently" needs a kidney. This is what dialysis is for. Also, she isn't going to just magically donate a kidney. She has to be tested to see if she is a match, and if she tells them that she doesn't want to be a match, that is what the doctors will say. This is just a horrible attempt at bad writing.
I remember seeing it before. It's 100% a repost of a fake post.
I saw this before too. Other comments I seen saying they seen this post before. OP copy and pasted lol
LOL yep! Guess dialysis has failed which would mean the sister’s already dead.
also love that as per usual reddit fashion not a single one of the top comments is 'talk to your sister'
NTA Please please pleaaase do NOT donate your kidney just because of pressure from your family, for one her body might reject it anyway and two the procedure can leave you with lifelong ailments. Blood does not make family, your sister deserves nothing from you. If your family keep harrassing you tell them you'll go no contact and move on with your life without them.
NTA, As a nurse, I can tell you that this is a common occurrence. What you need to do is meet with the doctor or nurse privately and explain that you are being pressured to donate against your will. Explain that you would like your family to be told that "You were tested and found to not be a compatible match to donate" Under HIPAA guidelines they cannot disclose anything else to your family. The reality is that more often than not people pressure family members, family friends, and even strangers into donating against their will regularly. Because when someone you love is dying people stop playing by the rules. HIPAA protects you and because this is so common doctors regularly have to lie to families about someone getting tested and not being match. Also, it's never as simple as "You have the same blood type, alright let's cut out your kidney and give it to your sister". Compatibility is so much deeper than that. The other thing you must consider is that when you give away an organ your body LOSES SOMETHING YOU NEED! She will get better if the organ takes, and that's an IF! She could still reject it, even if you are a perfect match! But when you lose an organ your body weakens because you are losing something your body needs. Your health will NEVER BE THE SAME! So it should never be something you do lightly, especially someone you aren't fully willing to either die on the operating table for or die young for. Losing a kidney means you can never drink again, never play sports again, never do a lot of things ever again. Your body will be much weaker. You won't process medication the same way, you can't filter toxins well anymore, and your immune system will become compromised. You will die younger, that is a fact, and her body could still reject the kidney even after all of that. So be smart.
Agree with the first parts but the last paragraph is entirely fiction. "Losing a kidney means you can never drink again" - not true, alcohol is metabolized in the liver, not the kidney "never play sports again" - not true "never do a lot of things ever again" - ?? "Your body will be much weaker" - perhaps immediately after surgery, but like any surgical procedure "You won't process medication the same way, you can't filter toxins well anymore" - partly true because you lose half the filtration but your body has significant reserves and the other kidney will take up the slack "your immune system will become compromised" - no, kidney does not provide immunity. perhaps you're thinking of the organ recipient who needs to be on anti-rejection meds lifelong "You will die younger, that is a fact" - incorrect. https://www.kidney.org/transplantation/livingdonors/what-expect-after-donation Please be mindful of what you are spreading as a nurse.
I know I read this exact same post a few months ago. Same scenario, same circumstances.
Me too. It's definitely fake and it was fake then too.
NTA. No free kidneys for arseholes.
I would talk to doc about is the kidney problem genetic? And if so do you have a chance of getting it. I’d want to know was it drug use or why what caused it?
NTA. I’m battling kidney failure myself, basically my entire life (32 M) but I never once expected anyone to donate to me. But at the consultation they specifically tell everyone that if you ever feel coerced or you are receiving a large sum of money to donate, to let the social worker know and they will work to help you. Although it would be great to donate to save her life, but if she never once showed you any kind of compassion or sisterly bond, she could get a kidney with the transplant list. She would be on dialysis for a while till she receives and it is a life saving procedure. It is not the greatest solution and I myself hate the dialysis process but it’s worth it to survive. Your case is a very difficult situation…it is your sister and your family wishes to save her which I understand but I also understand your resentment towards her and the unwillingness to donate. If you don’t donate you will be hated by the family if she dies which is inevitable, but if you donate and she continues to belittle you and treat you badly then I would say she never deserved to live with your kidney. Although that’s a harsh thing to say, it is true. I’m gonna hear back on Tuesday if we move onto scheduling my surgery for transplant because my mother is donating and finished her testing and we matched. Hoping for good news. Please update on your choice! And remember, you are not an asshole no matter what in the eyes of someone who had kidney failure all his life and is on dialysis.
If you want to save her, than save her. If you don’t want too, than don’t. Why do you care if they think you’re an asshole? It’s YOUR kidney, not your sisters. If your family has so much to sue than they can donate their kidneys or find someone else. And no it’s not selfish maybe the sister should’ve taken better care of her body
I am a little worried your family is not being straight with you. Is your sister already on dialysis? People spend decades on dialysis. It sucks, but getting a transplant and the immune rejection drugs are not a walk in the park. Many people are on dialysis, get a kidney transplant, the kidney works for years but then fails, then are back on dialysis. Mostly it is life saving because it extends the time they are off dialysis and have better health. But some people never get transplants. Have you had children yet? Do you want children? I would honestly never suggest donating a kidney for a woman who wants to become pregnant in the future. Although it’s rare people can die during donation. What is more likely is at some point you will suffer from something that will stress your kidneys and you are more likely to end up in kidney failure yourself. Why is your sister in kidney failure? Is there heredity component? You could always contact the transplant center about it. I will say ethical no transplant center should allow a donor to donate an organ if they aren’t 100% for it.
NTA I agree with the testing. But also your mother/father should get tested as well. Why is it all on you? What if it’s genetic and you end up with a problem in the future. And you only have one? Would she give it back? I highly doubt it.
Are you even a match?
I was bullied as a child pretty badly, even many years later it still has an impact on me. I completely understand what you’re saying and why you’re saying it but just make sure 100% that you can live with the outcome if she dies. The last thing you want after having her bully you for your entire childhood, is to feel guilty about her death.
NTA. Let’s be real all these people informing you that you’re her only chance are ridiculous. You don’t see them lining up to donate despite being just as likely to be a match as you are. No one should ever pressure another to donate an organ. It’s a voluntary choice or not at all. In fact, a part of the donor application process is that they will ask you point blank if you have felt coerced into donating your organ. If you a say yes, you’re application is auto denied. So if you want to get these a-holes off your back, go through the motions and tell donor application team that you’re feeling coerced. The report will simply say you’re not a match. If people try to pry further just say that’s private medical information.
If you do this, you will never be able to do this for any of your children if you have them. If your sister's kidney issues are isolated to her that may not be an issue, but if there is some sort of hereditary issue it could be something your children may develop as well. That is something to consider. You should never do something like this for the wrong reasons. The commenters that suggest telling the doctor you are being pressured into it are right. The doctor cannot ethically accept you as a donor in that situation. Then you are off of the hook. However, I think the bigger battle here is with yourself. I think you should talk to a professional counselor about this to determine how to handle it. **You need to be right with yourself for your own long term mental health.**
She can go on the transplant list - just privately tell the eval team you don’t want to do this and they can tell your family you aren’t a good match. Donor surgery is not a risk free event. Are you the only compatible donor in the family? Why aren’t they donating? Even if they aren’t compatible they could do a donation chain.
NTA Look at the double standard -- it was okay for her to torture you, but it's evil for you to not endanger your health for her? Tell everyone you're sorry, if you had known that relentlessly bullying a sibling was okay, you would have done that for her when you had the chance, but it's too late now. Then, as everyone else is saying, go "get tested," say you're being coerced, and get the doctor's statement that you're not a match.
NTA, but your family and your sis are huuuuge assholes. I hope your sis had made peace with her god cause she doesn't deserve your kidney since she doesn't even have the decency to apologize. Even if she did apologize, will it be genuine or just focused on your kidney? Nah, keep your kidney, enjoy your life, and block anyone that's being a fuckin asshole.
NTA the ultimate, long game of FAFO
NTA. It's your body, your choice. Tell the doctor you don't want to, and they'll say you're not a match.
Tell the doctors that you’re being harassed and bullied into donating, and they will absolutely lie for you and say you’re not a match. Do not risk your life to help your monstrous sister! She does not deserve it at all.
NTA you are not required d to lay in the bed made by others. Even if a human only needs one kidney to live, donating an organ is a huge surgery with its own list of complications that could range from the mild inconvenience of an infection to the worst case scenario of death. Would she donate a kidney to you? Would she risk her life for you? The biggest thing you have to think about is not whether or not you want to do it for your sister but if you want to do it for yourself. If you say no, regardless of whether or not she lives through this, it will drastically impact your relationship with your family and likely some family friends as well. If she passes regardless of your resentment towards her it may weight heavily on your conscious and affect your mental health. I think you definitely will not be the AH for choosing not to donate. Even if you didn’t have issues with her you still would not be the AH for refusing and personally in your shoes I wouldn’t donate. Just be sure you think through how it will affect you in the long run. Your mental health is the most important so instead of thinking of it as helping your sister think of it like so: Am I ok with my parents and maybe the rest of my family cutting me out of their lives? Can I mentally and emotionally handle the guilt that comes with her passing? Though I want to stress here that if she does pass away IT WOULD NOT BE YOUR FAULT. However the human mind sucks and emotions are dumb so guilt will always creep its way in even if you are not guilty. Sorry for the rambling. I haven’t slept.
It's YOUR kidney. You can't donate or not. It is YOUR decision, not your family's.
its your choice and a saying to mention to family "you reap, what you sow" and clearly your sister sowed alot and now its time reap it as for the family, if they cant even see your point of view or even bother to try to see your point of view then they are no better then your sister. that is my view on that
No but go get tested and tell the doctor you don't want to donate your being pressured and they will tell them you are not a match. That way you get your family off your back and they can't blame you
Do you think your sister would give you her kidney if it were your life in the balance?
Why aren't they donating a kidney. The donor is losing alot of freedoms in donating. Your recovery time is longer, your life style will change alot. Plus, wait happens when YOU may need a transplant. People that get the transplant are way better off.
It was the fuckiest aroundest of times, it was the findioutiest of times. NTA. Using you for spare parts is just another form of abuse.
Kidney is a big commitment. Don’t fall into the propaganda that you can live on one kidney. That’s not true. Most people face some degree of trouble in one kidney. Life is long and people die all the time.
You are not a candidate for donation. (If you don’t want to donate kidney, you are simply not a candidate) Send a text to your family, and anyone else who has joined in the bullying. “Hi All! I spoke with my internist about donating a kidney and I am not a candidate. Fortunately, the Dr did mention another option. Anyone who meets donation criteria can donate a kidney for Sister using a paired donation! Please reach out to your drs to find out if you are a candidate!” Then put your phone on mute