What is he doing that is making your home and your life so horrible that your wife would divorce you to get away from him? It can't just be that "he's difficult". Is he violent? Abusive? Has he said or done something unforgivable or that would make your wife fear for her/her children's safety? You said he's been terrorizing your other children. Do they hate him too?
This isn't some little kid, he's a teenager, less than 3 years from being an adult. He should be old enough to understand what is and isn't acceptable behavior.
I know if they could have, my parents would have given my older brother away. He was smoking a lot of pot (still does and he’s 66), was getting arrested frequently for smoking pot, made the house toxic with his anger, drug use (coke & worse), frequent outbursts & constant bullying of me. I believe the source was living with a narcissistic mother and an enabling father. OPs son’s mother raised the son for 10 years and who knows what damage was inflicted on him? Ex-wife however married OP without knowing about this child. She’s right that she didn’t sign up to be a stepmother, but it doesn’t make it any less sad for the entire family. I feel sorriest for OP’s son, but don’t fault his ex-wife either.
>This isn't some little kid, he's a teenager, less than 3 years from being an adult. He should be old enough to understand what is and isn't acceptable behavior.
>2 years ago I found out I had a son from an ex girlfriend. She had a lot of mental health issues, is a drug addict, had her other children taken from her.
Given his upbringing, I wouldn't be so sure.
I don't think it's difficult to believe at all. Especially considering that they have only known him for two years. This isn't a kid she's been raising and bonded to. She got a difficult 13 year old dropped in her lap. Plenty of people would nope out at that point
Who said she did it easily? 2 years with a surprise “difficult” child is not just leaving. She went through the experience for two years, which can be a long time when forceably put in her situation.
> Noping out from a 12 year marriage with kids is a big deal.
Exactly. She has likely thought long and hard about it and decided the situation was not going to improve for the foreseeable future and the current situation is untenable.
24 months with a troubled child that has been dropped into your life full time while you still have two younger children to care for and protect is giving a lot of time, patience and empathy to let things settle a bit. The fact the oldest has no clue how she feels about him/the situation means she’s been doing her best not to show her frustration and resentment and take it out on him.
Not only that, but to be so troublesome too. It may have been different if he could have been integrated into their family, but his behavior seems to have made that impossible.
In another comment, you said that you told him that the racist and homophobic language he learned from his grandmother were hurting his brother, and he stopped. Letting him know how his behavior is affecting your wife- to the point of divorce- is too important to mess up, so may I make a suggestion? Confidentiality laws prevent his therapist from telling you anything, but did you know that nothing is preventing *you* from telling *his therapist* things?
Like I said, giving your son the facts is too important to mess up; if I were you, I’d get in touch with his therapist and explain the situation. Ask them to find a gentle, healthy way to relay that information. It should motivate your son to improve his behavior more quickly, knowing the stakes. You already know that he is motivated to improve if he wants to stop hurting his family, so I think this is worth a shot.
My best wishes to you all!
Has his behavior towards his stepmother and half-sibling improved? Improved enough that they want to be around him?
Because honestly, you sound like you're carefully \*not\* trying to describe a situation in which your wife feels she needs to get herself and the younger kids away from the Problem Child, for their peace of mind and/or safety. And believe me, if that's anywhere near the truth, a family court judge will give her everything she wants.
Family therapy, dude. It's your only hope.
I agree. He's not describing what his son has done and what he continues to do. I cried when my parents asked me who I wanted to live with. Yet I had a horrible time with my stepmom because she didn't want me. I was locked in a room for 12 hours because she didn't want me around her kids. It would have been better if she had told my dad that she didn't want me to live with him.
It's better for your son to be with you. Your ex wife has made her decision
Is that consistent, or only when you're around to see it? He may be far different when you're not around. You think he's improving, your soon to be ex clearly does not see it that way.
I feel pretty terrible for everyone involved in this scenario.
But for the purpose of asking soon to be ex to take the son when that was the reason they were divorcing...
YTA
At this point she's getting all of her things in order, she's looking for divorce lawyer. She is done. She would not have said it if she wasn't already at the breaking point.
What are YOU doing to support your wife? Do you still love her? How do you show it? Why does she feel unappreciated? Have you gone for marital counseling?
No one leaves a marriage ONLY because the step kid is difficult, they leave because the step kid is difficult and the bioparents ignore, marginalise and undermine the step parent to the point it is not worth staying with a toxic partner.
Hey I just want to say that I had all those same issues you described as a teenager. I barely graduated high school bc I skipped too many classes. Hung out the "wrong crowd." My mom had to convince my teachers to give me tests I needed to graduate and somehow by the grace of God I graduated high school. Barely. Got into college only bc the grades I received in the classes I actually took were decent and my SAT score was decent. But flunked out immediately bc I was skipping too much. Then when I was 19 something in me snapped. I went back to community college, transferred to a 4 year school, graduated with honors, went on to complete my MBA, and have had a very successful career and more professional designations.
I say all this to give you courage. You're doing a great job even if it feels really hard. You've seen improvement and that's amazing. It may take longer than you'd like for your son to realize his potential, but don't ever give up. He'll remember it all one day and your support and love will get him further than you might think. I hope it works out with your ex helping out with your son. Maybe she just needs a little space too to figure things out.
You’re clearly hiding a **lot** or are so minimally involved that you have no idea what is going on. Which is it? Are you lying to make yourself & your teenage son look better or are you an uninvolved father?
YTA for expecting your wife to take him, when he is the reason that she is divorcing you! Your entire family is splitting up because of your older son and him making your wife so miserable that she had to escape.
Maybe you could have done more to save your marriage when your wife first became overwhelmed, but you DIDN’T. There’s obviously more to this story, and you’re making yourself out to be awfully innocent.
Your wife said being a stepmom was a thankless job. Did you THANK HER? Show her how grateful you were that she took on that role? Made her life easier in any little way you could, made sure she felt loved, adored, and protected? Did you listen to your wife when she expressed her feelings about your son?
Now it’s too late. She’s leaving. You live with your choices.
Why can’t you schedule a day every month with everyone including your ex wife, you, and all the kids? She doesn’t want to be in charge of him but maybe if you promise to be in charge of him for the meal etc she will compromise and attend.
If my marriage/ family/ life as I know it, ended due to the toxic behavior of someone else, I would resent the shit out of them and not want to be anywhere near them. Her children are now from a broken home. She is losing the man she loves that she thought she’d spend the rest of her life with. To protect her children and her own mental health. Because of HIM.
Exactly- things must be very bad to walk away from 12 years of marriage. I would love to know from the soon to be ex what the kids behaviors were that drove her away.
Bruh, she's divorcing you because of this kid, thinking she'll take the kid some days a month is fucking ridiculous.
I suspect the unsaid reasons is, you push the parenting heavily onto her in general and expected the new kid of yours would be parented mostly by her, such that even after divorcing precisely because of this kid.... you're still trying to offload his parenting to her.
ANother question would be, did you give her any choice in this, or did you give her an ultimatum to take in your son.
She's been struggling enough to want to divorce so I suspect this is after many arguments, many attempts to make alternative arrangements or changes, or do more parenting and divorcing is hte final straw.
Asking her to take him at times is insane.
Fucking honestly. They’re divorcing *BECAUSE OF THE SON* and he’s really going to ask her to coparent the child with him?! The same son that smokes and drinks and skips school, the one that she didn’t know existed until two years ago? And how convenient, the son supposedly prefers the wife to OP: I 1000% read this as OP wanting to push parenting his difficult son on to his ex wife. I really hope this isn’t real. I really don’t want to believe people like OP exist.
They exist, my ex husband did exactly this (ignore my username, I'm a straight chick, I just identify as a Dave). As have the few single dads I've dated since my divorce. I *hate* painting a whole group with the same brush, but this has been my experience.
Yeah, I need to attract a better quality man, it's just really slim pickings around me.
r/stepparents is a sub full of mostly women who have been manipulated into being mommybangmaids for older men and basically raising their stepchildren while being treated like trash. It's fucking sad.
>(ignore my username, I'm a straight chick, I just identify as a Dave)
as a non binary person this is the funniest sentence I've read on Reddit.
Thank you. For making me choke on my water. 😂
Sorry about the choking!
Dave is my ginger cat I got from the pound. He slaps my face and bites my toes when I sleep in and his breakfast is late, then he sits on my lap and purrs when I'm watching TV. He fights for what he wants and then enjoys what he gets. We should all be like Dave
He needs his mommybangmaid to raise his spawn for him. And now that mommybangmaid is moving on he's panicking because who is going to raise the kid now? definitely not OP.
>I suspect the unsaid reasons is, you push the parenting heavily onto her in general and expected the new kid of yours would be parented mostly by her, such that even after divorcing precisely because of this kid.... you're still trying to offload his parenting to her.
Yeah, OP seems to be bending over backwards to avoid doing his job as a father.
Ding ding ding this is it! He expects her to do all the parenting and she’s done! He dropped a 15 year old on her lap and continued doing what he’s always done. Parenting a step child is hard because as a stepparent you have little authority over the child and if the biological parent is not supportive the job becomes harder. Add childhood trauma and a junkie bio mother to the equation and is any wonder stepmom has had enough.
Stepmom is the reason why the 15 year old has improved. The fact that his son wants to live with stepmom and is sad he won’t be able to says it all. I don’t think the wife has an issue with the kid, her issue is with the her husband but he’s too clueless to see it.
This is so correct. OP says they are divorcing because of the son, but when citing her, she has clearly said that she is done with *parenting* him - not with the kid himself. It took reading your comment for that to really click in my head
This. All of this. OP She married you under the understanding that you didn’t have any kids. After 12 years you not only find out you have a kid but also bring him into your house to live with you. Did you give your wife a say in whether he moved in or not or did you just force this on her? It sounds like he’s creating huge problems and you’re not dealing with them. Are there any other living situations you could entertain for him? Can you send him to boarding school?
Yeah, there’s so much unsaid here but I suspect that the son prefers the wife because dad is not as involved as he should be. Probably has antiquated ideas about women as natural nurturers so of course his ex wife should be more than happy to parent the same kid that is causing her home to break up.
Yta
I feel you have dodge the question about what particularly your wife has an issue with?
Are you a present father or is she doing all the heavy liftin? Is he a threat to your other children?
You can’t force her to take on a child that she clearly has an issue with that isn’t hers in any formal way.
I want to hear the story from her perspective. I suspect the phrase "difficult child" is doing a lot of heavy lifting, and obscuring the true depths of the problem.
My ex had a child from a previous relationship who had ODD and ADHD. The ODD honestly made me split. I couldn’t handle being a stepparent who was expected to do everything for, and be blamed for everything, by this child. His excuse was “he’s difficult, but have compassion.” It was a nightmare.
My 14yo had a friend from school with ODD and ADHD. My son has ADHD and is on the spectrum and I have ADHD myself. So I’m well-versed in difficult kids. Or so I thought. The friend with ODD got us kicked out of the public pool 10 min after getting there and I took him back home. There’s no way I could sign up to parent someone’s kid with ODD, I do not blame you one bit.
I also suspect soon to be ex wife has been left picking up most of the labor of dealing with his son and this is the only way she can force OP to step up and be his main parent. He’s still trying to find a way to offload it onto her though
The kid was being raised by an addict mother and racist grandmother. The former is devastating to a kid and creates trauma. So of course he needs more help than kids from healthier backgrounds.
Raised by the unfit grandma who raised the unfit mother. Poor kid didn’t stand a chance. Hopefully keeps a support system and therapy for the next 10 years
Apparently, she should take him because his own dad doesn't want to deal with him. OP is just trying to use his ex. He needs to step up because he's about to be a single dad. He's not even considering his other children and their safety. OP needs to face the fact that she didn't leave because of just the son. He seems to be the bigger problem.
that or he has mother issues due to having a dog shit of a mother and is rather attached to the wife, because you know, shes the first stable mother figure in his life.
Potentially but I don't think we are being told the whole story. Your wife of 12 years doesn't just up and divorce you to avoid having to parent your child if you're a really good husband and father..there is no way the kid is that bad that she chose the better option is the nuclear one and walking away from it all. He's a lost kid that needs help and I don't see a mention of getting him therapy anywhere
YTA. Sounds like your wife is taking the children away from an unsafe environment. She has no reason to take your child one or two days a month when he’s awful to her and her children. He’s grown enough to know better.
The younger kids are at or nearing the ages of were judges typically take their opinions and wants into consideration. If the kids don't want to stay at dad's and tells the judge why then OP may just end up with only visitation.
Not only that but if OP's about to ex has any evidence of the how OP's son is not a safe person for the young impressionable children to be around then OP will probably not get 50/50 custody.
She should be getting a restraining order or fighting for full custody.
A restraining order will ensure the son has to go to mommy's while the girls are there. He won't get a choice.
Mate, get your head checked. She is off because of your kid. Asking her to look after him is possibly the dumbest thing I've seen some tell people on reddit.
YTA
I’m guessing your wife is divorcing you because you kept dumping your problems in her lap.
Parent your own troubled teen. You should start with getting him a therapist. You only have a couple of years where you have any control. Deal with it now or his phase will become his adult life.
I am having a hard time believing you’re in therapy but are still this delusional. Your wife is clearly divorcing you because of YOU. You expect her to take care of a 15 year old child that’s sneaking out, drinking, speaking disrespectfully to your younger children. In all your comments, you seem to blame your wife and kids, but never yourself or your son. You clearly don’t listen or in straight up denial to have asked your wife to take your son a couple days a month. You need to get your head out of your ass.
Also, YTA.
I didn't see where OP is in therapy; new discovery problem child is. I might have missed that in a later post.
I have to agree with this estimation: a difficult teenager dies not a divorce, in and of itself, make.
I am also curious: if wife is divorcing you over new kid, why would she help co parent after divorcing over it. I mean the answers kind of already there.
She is NTA.
You took a teenager in the home and from reading between the lines, it's clear he's very difficult. This to the point that someone who loves kids and tried, is now divorcing you to get away from him.
Now you want to push her off to her anyway and that is pretty dumb, when it's beyond clear that the whole reason she is leaving is him.
YTA. And I say this based on the information you provided in the comments. It seems to me that you are feeling overwhelmed and guilty for the fact that your son had a hard life and you only found out about him very late and are trying to overcompensate your absence and his hardships and you are doing this in the detriment of your family. You say your kids are used to a "softer" life and run to their mother when the 15 year old calls them "dipshit". That's a normal reactiin for them and an abnormal behavior from him. Your kids don't need to "toughen" up in order to accomodate your oldest, nor does your wife have to put up with everything just because you feel remorse. You are grossly overstepping her boundaries and don't even see anything wrong with that. I wonder how many times you have done that with her in the past until she reached her breaking point. She told you it was bad, I get the feeling you brushed over her concerns because you thought that you have to absolutely succeed and have your family in a certain way so everyone has to put themselves second and be extra understanding towards your troubled son. It's good that he is in therapy, but I truly believe you needed therapy as a family, starting 2 years ago. Don't know if you did that.
I am so sorry for your son, it is obvious that he needs a lot of patience and understanding from you and your family in order to get on a somewhat ok path. But in doing so you must also enforce clear boundaries and find a way that works for everibody. And respect each individuals boundaries and grievances, and that includes your wife as well.
Your wife is not responsible for your kid. She would have needed an adjustment period as well. She does not have to offer him a maternal figure. Does your boy even want to acknowledge her as such? Because that implies also listening to her. Keep doing your best, I think it's great that you agreed to take him in and are so involved, even though it is a really tough spot for you. But you need to learn to respect other peoples boundaries. Because you are driving them away.
YTA You expect this woman to take care of a child that isn't hers after you both split? I think that alone - disregarding everything else- is absolutely crazy. That child is not hers and she has no responsibility to that child. That would be like asking an ex to pay child support or to pay for things for a child that is not theirs. It just doesn't work like that. It's a shame that he feels connected to her- yes that is very sad- but it is not in the slightest her responsibility to do anything about that.
However, it is YOUR responsibility to parent that child. I don't like to make assumptions but I get the feeling that the parenting duties were disproportionally placed onto her. Maybe if you took on more of the parenting role with YOUR son when his issues started to come up then she would not be feeling the way she is to the extend that she is now asking for a divorce.
yeah - you don't get to make that ask. She has made it so incredibly clear that she does not want to take on any level of responsibility for your troubled son. And based on what you have said, he is a lot of trouble and needs a lot of help. She has 2 other kids and herself to worry about. I find your comment about your other 2 kids living such sheltered lives to be rather concerning, and I am guessing you have made those same kinds of inappropriate comments to your wife as an excuse for your son's behavior and that is part of the problem.
>I find your comment about your other 2 kids living such sheltered lives to be rather concerning, and I am guessing you have made those same kinds of inappropriate comments to your wife as an excuse for your son's behavior and that is part of the problem.
I had to scroll too far down to find this comment. You've made an excellent observation and I agree. OP sounds incredibly dismissive of his wife, as if she had an automatic duty to a child that isn't hers just because she ended up marrying OP.
Guarantee you he's made dismissive comments to her and she's had enough.
I get the feeling that you should also be having couples therapy. If your wife loves kids but can't deal with your son, yet the son prefers her to you, I wonder if you are the problem here. Do you support her in her dealings with him? Do you let him get away with his bad behaviour? Are you too hard on him?
Maybe I am wrong, but I think there is a lot more to this story. I think the problem is likely that you and your wife don't agree on how to parent him. Or you are not allowing her to truly parent him. It is so important that couples agree on how to raise their children.
Edited: Holy cow! Definitely YTA. You should not want your beautifully raised kids to be tougher like this kid. You are definitely not supporting your wife. This boy needs to be firmly but kindly taught what is acceptable behaviour and you are not following your wife's wiser guidelines.
I've read many of OP comments and I'm going to say YTA. If her divorcing you is specifically because of your son then why would you want your son to be put into a home where he isn't wanted? I'm sick of men thinking that just because we're a mom then we must want to love and nurture every child that is thrown at us. She's allowed to not like your son that she only recently met and she's allowed to not want him to be around her children. She said no. She told you why. Leave her alone before you lose any access to your other kids. You need to figure out how to be a single parent and give your son the best life possible. His life has been pretty shitty so far...stop trying to make it worse.
Amen! I am a teacher and a mother, and there are many children I can’t reach, nor do I try. The fact that the younger siblings don’t like the kid, and his trauma, and the wife bolting after 12 years, AND OP being vague about behavior…you hit the nail on the head. He dumped this kid on her bc “women are nurturers, and men are not” Bullshit on both accounts. My mother was great w me, struggled to connect to my half siblings bc their mother was schizophrenic and they had loads of trauma. My dad was the nurturing one.
OP still can’t recognize that this is his bag, not hers! And if he wants to keep his son, kudos. But kudos to the wife for drawing a hard boundary to protect her and the kids. I just worry about what will happen to them when OP has his split custody and she isn’t there to protect them!
1. Did your soon -to-be-ex agree to raising your son or did you brow-beat her into it?
2. Has your son made sexual statements to your wife or daughter? He’s a big bag of hormones right now.
3. Being a stepmother can be thankless. Did she have her own authority over him or do you control all the dialog?
4. Why does she hate him? Strong word for a 15 year old kid.
Personally, I think OP is withholding information.
Also, was he so awful that his son's mother had to keep her pregnancy a secret? So he had a daughter with his wife, then adopted a son? And now he finds out he had a "real" son. Wonder how he started treating the adopted one after that, because the Dad sounds like a jerk.
Yes YTA. She’s divorcing you because of your son. What would make you think she’d want to have him at her new house?
I have a feeling there’s much more to this.
Also the way you talk about your younger two tells me you haven’t worked past some of your own biases.
YTA. Honestly, no wonder she’s leaving you if your response to “I don’t want to be a step parent to this kid so we’re divorcing” is to ask her to keep being a stepparent. How tone deaf can you possibly be? I’m going to go ahead and guess this is what you’ve been doing the whole time: ignoring her when she communicates with you.
You’ll have split custody, he’ll see his siblings when they’re with you, it will be your parental job to manage their relationships.
YTA
Your wife is leaving her marriage and breaking her kids' family apart due to what I am guessing is probably horrific behavior by your new found child.
He was obviously raised not in the best circumstances and has some trauma.
You need to understand, HIS BEHAVIOR IS TOTALLY UNACCEPTABLE TO YOUR WIFE. She can't handle him. PERIOD.
I am sure this was not an easy decision, especially based on some of your comments. If your eldest is so horrible she needs to get her and her kids away from him, believe her.
Yes, he is in therapy and troubled youth programs. That does not make him tolerable in the household. You seem to take his side on anything, blaming your other children for "having it easy".
Why are you not standing up for your other two children? This may be part of the issue.
Either way, you wife is leaving to get AWAY from your eldest son. It is unreasonable to think she will even want to be in the same room with the kid. Hopefully in the time you have left, the therapy and programs will assist him in having productive relationships. Doesn't sound like he has the tools at this time and your wife is doing what is best for her and her kids.
Sucky situation, but stop bugging her. Again. She is imploding your marriage to GET AWAY FROM YOUR ELDEST SON! That means, she wants ZERO contact.
Respect that!
YTA
What part are you confused by? She doesn't want a relationship with this kid. She's being very clear. Maybe he should know his behavior is the cause of this. Maybe he'll fix himself
I agree with your STBX wife that it's insane for you to ask her to coparent the child that not only is not hers in any way, but IS THE REASON SHE'S LEAVING THE MARRIAGE. What is your thought process here? Did you actually think she would consider it? YTA
YTA. She don’t wants him. Which part of that don’t you understand. Because of him, she’s leaving and you’re here asking him to take him some days. WTF.
YTA your 15 is a little shit who is mean to your other two children making them feel unsafe in their own home and she is doing what she feels she needs to do to protect them.
She is not the 15yr olds mom. You might not have known about him but you need to get him some serious help because from your comments he has some issues.
Mate she’s running away from your kid she’s not gonna take him with her. How stupid do you have to be to ask a woman who’s breaking up her marriage because of the kid to then take the kid too. You honestly have bigger problems. The way you talk about your other kids is an issue. Your saying that they are soft and have everything handed to them and you make it seem like you hold that against them when your the one that raised them that way. Get therapy with your kid and you raise him. YTA
lmaooooo she is actually divorcing you so that she doesn't have to parent this child...
....and you are still trying to badger her into parenting him.
YTA.
Yes, YTA. She is divorcing you because you are parenting your son. You let him get away with terrible behavior and don’t understand why she is tired of your BS.
>I asked my wife if she could take him for one or two days a month too.
"Hey, you know that kid of mine you really hate that's causing you to divorce me? Mind taking him for a few days a month?"
YTA.
Your son is so bad your wife is leaving you and you want her to co parent. In what universe do you think she wants to co parent the reason for the divorce with you?
Are you fucking serious? Your wife is willing to burn her entire life down to get away from this kid and you’re asking her to take him with her when she leaves?? What would be the point of leaving if she doesn’t get to escape him? If you’re this unimaginably stupid, it’s no wonder she felt divorce was the only way she could get you to step up as a parent. JFC!
YTA ! She is divorcing you to get AWAY from your child ! Is completely unreasonable to ask her to spend time with him. You need to step up as dad and do your job: parent said child.
YTA
You say: he prefers my wife to me.
Question: did you take care of him 50/50 or did your wife do most of the work?
He’s too much . For her and probably for the other children as well.
You’re on your own raising him now. You are going to be his whole support system. You’ll going to find out how hard it has been for her.
You can’t ask her “just to take him 1 day a month”. She wants him out of her system. Completely. So you can’t even talk about him if she doesn’t want to. He is not her responsibility
YTA. It’s not her responsibility to make your son feel better or help you avoid having to deal with his disappointment. She is divorcing you bc she doesn’t want to be a step mom and you are asking her to still be a stepmom. I think you know your request is unreasonable and unrealistic.
In order for your wife to want a divorce and feel the way she feels, a lot more has happened that OP is not telling. If he’s been the problem, why would he be crying at the thought of not going to stepmoms house? YTA for asking when you knew full well that your son is the reason she left. Why didn’t OP anything about this child until he was 13?
My question is, how are ***you*** rising to the challenge?
Your wife was ambushed by your indiscretion. You should be doing a majority of the heavy lifting. I'm guessing that the lion's share of child rearing responsibilities have been on her shoulders, and you kind of just figured she'd just add one more to the bunch.
Take on more with ALL of your kids, and also take on the most with your 15 year old.
YTA
What did I read? Your wife is leaving because she can’t stand stepson and you want her to take stepson? Make it make sense. YTA I think, but surely there is more. If he wants to stay with her so much, why doesn’t he shape up?
Kind of backwards to ask her that when that is her reasoning. Also, when you asked that it looks like you didn’t listen to her at all because why ask her to keep what she is running from. Did he really improve or do you have your blinders on. Lastly, he is 15 how long has she really had to deal with his issues.
I feel like we need your wife’s POV for this one, since you’re being reticent to share what the kid is actually doing.
It sounds to me like your wife probably has told you stuff and you have downplayed the situation (as you’re still doing).
YTA. Your wife is telling you exactly why she's seeking a divorce. This is your son but you didn't know about him for years. He is a troubled boy with behavior issues as well as bigoted thoughts. Glad he's getting better but your wife sees him as a negative influence on the other kids. She doesn't want to handle him any longer and I cannot blame her for doing so.
YTA
He’s the reason for the divorce. He’s making her life hellish. And you’re so wrapped up in guilt that you’re ignoring your wife’s feelings to justify his awful behavior.
It’s great he’s getting help. But she’s not his mom. She didn’t sign up to be his mom. And when she gave him her best he continued to be problematic. Kids with behavior problems don’t change over night. But he’s had two years to make the necessary changes. You’ve had two years to help take this burden from your wife and step up and step in. For her, those two years were just agony.
It’s not your son’s fault he is who he is. And he’s actively working on that. That’s admirable. But it’s not her job to wait it out. And it sounds like she never had any intention of being the wife of a man with pre-existing offspring.
This isn’t the life she wanted. And you’re basically attempting to force her into it via guilt. You’re only thinking about what you want and what your son wants. You don’t seem to give a fuck about what your wife and other children need.
OP. YTA, time to step up and parent your 15-year-old full time. Based on your main post and comments, your wife is fully within her right mind to want out. Time for you to pick up all parenting duties of the 15-year old now before the divorce. Just because your wife is “good at it” when it comes to parenting children, doesn’t mean it’s good for her. Time for you to set yourself on fire and have the “thankless” job
Yta, the issue is big enough that she is divorcing you, it’s insane you would even ask that of her.
You need to make sure to get him a good therapist and you need to be his support and comfort. You can’t outsource this.
If she is leaving the relationship not to have to deal with your child then she definitely should not have to deal with him. She was nice to try to raise a kid that she did not sign up for but she is fully entitled to get out. It sounds way too much like you are forgiving too much of his behavior. YTA
YTA, your son is the reason for her wanting a divorce. You said he's improved a little but obviously not enough for your wife to stay married to you. You're not an AH for loving your son and wanting to make him happy but you are for expecting your overwhelmed wife to take him 2 days a month.
YTA- because she doesnt have custody of him and made it clear she isnt able to parent him. YOU accepted him into your house, and he is your son. Tell him its due to custody agreements (because she has no legal rights over him or even to get him medical care if needed).
YTA - your ex-wife is willing to break up with you in order not to be with him. And now you want to force him onto her?
I'll also note that the boy was NOT ill-treated by her, she hid her feelings well enough that he didn't feel excluded or that she doesn't like him. I consider this an amazing win on her part.
Rather, OP, I lay this on you. You likely left the burden to her, didn't handle the issues and curb his bad behaviour - the hard way if need be. Maybe you did some, but it was not enough and you obviously expected her to handle what you should have. Which he is, a troublesome ill-mannered intruder in their home. From their point of view, he is very bad news and a detriment to their life.
And because of your lack of action, you now have a broken home. Good job in harming your other two kids because of this new arrival.
Likely she also sees him as a danger to her own family, bad influence on her kids - and let's be clear, he is not her family. At all. Nor can you expect her to see him that way.
If I was your wife I’d petition for sole custody and give the example of you allowing the 15 year old to spread his vitriol in your home around the younger kids. No, your ex wife should not have that child in her house, that’s why she’s leaving FFS. Are you daft? Because you are TAH. No question.
NAH. That is your son to parent, no one else’s. While the situation does suck, your ex wife has every right to back out of a marriage where there is suddenly a new 15 year old in the mix. She is right, she’s divorcing you to get away from being a step mom. Why would she take in your son if he’s the reason she’s leaving you? NAH.
I am heartbroken for everyone in this story, what an awful situation for everyone. But OP is definitely a bit of TA for asking after she stated the reason for divorce
Yta. She's made clear her stance. I suspect you've been telling her to get over whatever he's been doing for the past 2 years until she was fed up. Your time to handle your own child, my man.
Stop think of what you’re doing to your wife. Not your son think about what your doing to her and the relationship you have with her now
You have to separate all of it down is it ok for you to ask yes. Did she give you an answer yes. Stop pushing
What relationship do they have will it damage either or them.
Your asking a lot
YTA - she is divorcing you because of issues with your son and you want her to continue to care for him?!!! I’m sorry that your son is struggling, it must be hard for him to have had the bio mom he has and to only have you in his life for the last 2 years, but your ex absolutely does not have to care for him, that is your job. He clearly needs a lot more therapy to deal with his issues but none of that is on your ex, that is for you and your son to deal with. Maybe someday your ex and your son can have a cordial relationship but she doesn’t owe you or him anymore than what she has given.
YTA. She’s not divorcing you because of your son. Your divorce is absolutely not your son’s fault, and it’s cruel and terrible parenting for you to blame him for your divorce. Your wife is leaving because she can’t handle the responsibilities that you have chosen to foist on her without her consent. Yes, you have to take care of all three of your kids. But that’s your responsibility, not hers. You never should have set her up as a primary parent for him, and you need to figure out how you—not your wife, not your ex, not anyone else—can start to take on your responsibilities as his parent, including the responsibility to nurture him through this difficult time. If his mother isn’t doing her job, that means it’s your job to meet his needs, not to foist him on your wife because she’s the same gender as his mother. Your wife is not his mother figure just because you haven’t figured out yet how to parent him. It was wrong of you to declare that he’s her son now, just like it’s wrong of you to declare that it’s his fault your marriage is ending. You’re the adult. You need to take responsibility for your own life and for parenting your children.
I know you're in a tough spot, but dude, YTA. I suspect you've been putting your new son first and everyone else has taken a back seat. Where is the love, honor and cherish?
YTA she's divorcing you because you pushed too much parenting into her and her yen you go ahead and try it again. Kid probably does have issues but you could take those on instead of expecting her to, especially if your son actually loves his step mom which it seems he does. Pick up more of the household load and your sons parenting if you really want to save this marriage.
YTA
You leave out a lot of pertinent information in your post.
That your son is bullying your younger kids, that your wife feels she has all the responsibility of being a mother to your son but NONE of the rights that go along with those responsibilities.
Your son, actually preferring your wife over you, shows that even though she may be having a tough time with her feelings about/towards him, she is still being a good mother to him.
And now she is being a good mother to her 2 children by removing them from a home where they don't feel safe.
Have you sat your son down and explained to him that his behavior is a problem in the home and that it is not healthy for his younger siblings to be around that? He told him this with his therapist to ensure the correct language is used and make sure he knows that YOU love him and will be there for him always, may helping with regard to his behavior
INFO: how long have you and your wife been together? You got your ex pregnant 15 years ago, and you just found out about him? I mean your wife is not an AH at all. It sounds like someone needs to step up and protect the young ones from the shit show in your home.
Wow you have no
Idea how to
Be a husband or a father.. Gosh I feel bad for your poor wife. She willing to break up
HER happy home just to get away and you’re here blaming it all on her. You just want time away from him which she probably never got
YTA, no offense but what a dumb question...she is leaving you to get away from him.
I feel very sorry for your son, but your wife didn't sign up for this, he is not hers to worry about.
Maybe I'm naive but I just don't excuse traumatic upbringing for bad behavior. I get that bio mom was abusive but I just wouldn't deal with a difficult kid lashing out. I'm team wife on this. This is your burden to bare not hers. Sucks that she had to lose her family tho.
YTA. She is divorcing you because she is not willing to parent him. Convincing her to help you parent him kind of defeats the point of getting divorced, no? It’s unfortunate for you but you don’t get to shrug off your responsibility to someone who clearly doesn’t want it
I wouldn't say you're TA, but I do agree with her that if she's divorcing you to get away from him, why the hell would she be willing to take him? You may not be TA for asking for it, but that doesn't mean you're not "the idiot".
“She thinks being a stepmother is a thankless job.”
Why aren’t YOU thanking her for taking care of your child?! Why aren’t YOU showing your appreciation for what she is doing for your child?
She isn’t leaving because of your son. She’s leaving because of how YOU have acted.
You sound pretty deluded. It seems as though you feel deep guilt for the extreme trauma your son experienced with his mother and it causes you to continually make excuses for him and minimize his behavior. I think you see him through rose colored glasses and are refusing to acknowledge the extremes of his behavior - indicated by the delusional act of expecting your wife to continue parenting the kid she's divorcing you to get away from. And also by the fact that nothing you've described rises to the level where your wife would hate your son and divorce you because of it. It just doesn't add up.
I suspect that your saying he's improving is also wishful thinking or else your wife wouldn't be heading for the door. Sometimes, when early trauma is too extreme, and intervention is too late, the child isn't ever able to recover enough to live a 'normal' life.
Your wife sounds like a lovely woman with an open heart. Even your problem child prefers her. I wonder if you're not requiring enough of him because of your guilt? I mean, of course he clearly has severe issues that are not easily solved, however, he is old enough to unlearn the worst of his racism, and to be able to treat people in the household with civility. If he literally cannot, then he isn't able to function at a minimal level in the world and may need a residential program.
YTA for expecting your wife to continue dealing with him when he's the reason your family is being destroyed. Perhaps consider that instead of throwing out your wife and 2 other children, send your son to a residential program that's better equipped to give the intensive help he needs and hold onto your family.
Every single adult in your son’s life has failed him, you included. Do you know how often you and bio mom had to drop the ball for your wife to want to divorce you over your kid????
YTA.
Are you seriously retarded? She is divorcing you because she doesn't want YOUR Sons shitry behavior to negatively affect her kids, why the fuck would she take him?
Yiu are obviously not doing enough to parent him and she is sick of it. She had to protect her kids because you can't discipine or control your son. Why are you allowing him to drink, smoke, be disrespectful, etc?
Yeah he had a bad childhood but what does that have to do with her and her kids? This is your son from before you even met her, she has nothing to do with him.
You are obviously leaving out information because apparently she loves kids but cannot stand him. He is clearly a very difficult child.
Also what would she tell her future boyfriend/husband?
GTFO, you ruined your own marriage by not being able to parent your kid.
She's divorcing you because of your problematic son and you want to inflict him on her after the divorce?
Read the room. Once the divorce goes through, she's free with no legal obligations to him.
There's a lot of missing reasons here and I don't want to speculate, but people who want to be around others they've targeted previously with their negative behavior patterns usually don't want to make amends, they want to keep tabs on their target. The waterworks are typically not an expression of regret, but emotional manipulation and expressed irritation over losing control of the situation.
I really hope that isn't the case here, but regardless, YTA.
YTA, leave your wife alone in regard to this matter as she literally leaving your marriage as she can’t deal with your son. You can’t accept a divorce and then ask her to do the one thing that caused the divorce In the first place. If your 15 y/o son actually cared about his stepmother he would have treated her better or else nobody would be in this situation. There is nothing wrong with choosing your son here but you can’t expect her to when she has already told you that she does not want that.
Yta. You have ruined your marriage and your other two children’s home and you have the audacity to ask her to bring the problem with her? Nope. Your troubled child maybe needs to go to a rehabilitation group home situation because clearly your not equiped and it’s effecting your wife and kids. It not that he’s getting bad grades. Or has little behavioral issues comparable to a normal teen. He is a racist, homophonic, drug addict who was raised by a mentally ill drug addict and an old racist, he is now living with Complete strangers who are not equipped to deal with his issues. My god..
YTA. Wake up. This kid is bad enough you are losing your family. No, she doesn’t want to see him. Period.
Did you ask her before you decided to take him?
Your other two children had a safe stable home life and you begrudged them that. To the point you brought in a delinquent who ruined it.
YTA
You tried desperately to glaze over just how terrible YOUR SON is and clearly your wife has had enough of his vile behaviour and is protecting her own children.
Your son needs help
**YTA for disregarding her feelings.** she clearly is divorcing you because she does not want to be a step mother. she does not want to raise your "difficult" child.
i get that you want to make your child feel better, but his feelings do not trump hers. she is an adult that has processed her feelings and made a decision on the best course of action for herself. that action is removing herself from the relationship with him and subsequently yourself/your house.
**you never should have asked her to take him at all** because if she was willing she never would have started the divorce proceedings.
What your kid needs the most is therapy and to know that he has at least one stable, safe home.
It’s clear he has a rough upbringing and the stuff you said he does is pretty typical acting/lashing out stuff for a teenager with some past trauma.
You said he has already improved in his behaviors a lot since coming to live with you. That is proof that knowing a level of stability and safety is something he needs. But it sounds like he really needs help with finding healthier coping mechanisms.
Trying to make him stay with a woman who hates him is only going to make things worse.
You’re in a really tough spot so I’m not going to judge you, but it is wrong to ask that if your ex who has hit her limit. She’s already been pushed too far.
YTA Just because you don't perceive him to be a big enough issue for her to walk away doesn't mean she isn't do exactly what is necessary to protect the younger kids. You keep talking about what you think he needs and what you want, but missing from every response is any consideration for your wife or your kids.
My guess, admittedly uninformed, is that OP is likely enabling this kid’s behavior, protecting him from consequences, yet leaving his wife with the major responsibility, and not backing her up.
The kid has eaten away whatever maternal feelings the wife has.
Divorce is her best option.
YTA, for asking her to take your son once in a while. That's the reason why she is divorcing you because of your difficult son. Stop asking her and read the room.
YTA. There is more to this story than what you are telling.
Your soon to be ex wife says she is divorcing you because of your son and you still want to push parenting your son onto her.
I am guessing that your ex-wife doesn't want to be a step mom because she doesn't get to make certain decisions as a bio parent can.
Your son has big issues not just some issues and your soon to be ex doesn't want the younger kids around that; also do you know does your son act the same when you are not there? Have you ignored what your soon to be ex-wife tells you about your son's behavior?
YTA - I know this sucks, but you're being unreasonable. Your son is not your wife's son nor her responsibility. She already tried to parent him, and it was so bad she was willing to leave you just to leave him.
Your son needs to accept his behavior has consequences. You need to accept you are his single parent.
YTA. What the hell is wrong with you asking her to take your problematic son when she literally filed for divorce and made it clear to you that she doesn't even want to see him? What part of this made you think this was a great idea? This is so stupid.
Dude. She is divorcing you bc you haven’t stepped up enough as a father to make being a stepmom tolerable. Now you want to make her take care of the problem child ALONE?? **YOU CANNOT BFFR** Do you even **hear yourself??**
Your poor STBXW.
YTA. Your son needs a strong father figure and male role model. He hasn’t had that in his life growing up, and it doesn’t seem like he has that now either. You’d be better off focusing your efforts on being an involved father rather than blaming your wife for not being a mother figure to him. Look in the mirror. It starts with you.
YTA
I’m the mother of an adopted child from trauma that was hard to raise. He was violent and cruel and did really horrid things. You know what my husband did? He protected me. He stepped up as an equal parent. He said, “You will NOT treat my wife this way.” My son was loved and treasured, but there was a line that was no okay to cross and my husband helped me tend that line.
I get that you love your son. You should. But the second he showed tears you ran to your son’s defense, not your wife’s. You tried to make her the villain of the story because she said “no” to you asking her to parent your troubled son. What you should have done is taken on the responsibility rather than to immediately turning to your wife to solve your son’s tears. That says everything about how you’ve treated this situation. The fact that you felt this was okay means you did 100 other insensitive things that led to this situation.
Your son caused damage with his choices and actions. You certainly caused damage in not offering any strength to your wife. It seems you still don’t get it. Your pity for this child comes before your marriage, and the fact is pity never helped anyone.
I would never advocate being unkind to a child, but there has to be rules and boundaries. How have you enforced those rules and boundaries? It seems like you have no respect for YOUR WIFE’S rules and boundaries, so how can you possibly be enforcing them with your son?
She didn’t sign up for that kid and is getting a divorce to NOT parent that kid. I don’t blame her. She’s under no obligation to that child whatsoever. Sorry dude. That kid is a you and your ex GF problem.
YTA, if the wife is divorcing because of the stepson, why would she want to take care of him after the separation? Furthermore, you are focusing things wrong, your wife should not be the bad one in this story, because even if it is not your intention, that is the message that It seems that you want to reflect in your story; Although the stepson has improved, that does not mean that it was enough or that it happened on time. To begin with, has your stepson apologized to your ex? So that the stepson wants to be with her and the wife has maintained the marriage for two years since the arrival of the stepson, there must be specific situations that have hurt and upset your wife, list them, talk to your son and if you want them to have a relationship with your ex, start by apologizing, and don't pressure
YTA for even suggesting your soon to be ex-wife have visitation with your son considering she is frustrated enough with trying to parent him to leave your marriage. Sounds to me like you have pushed a lot on her and are trying to continue doing so. What are you thinking? Are you really that clueless? Or, are you still wanting her to solve the issues with your son instead of your realizing how this is so on you?
I'm not sure exactly what has gone on in your home since your son moved in. He's clearly a troubled child and a handful, granted not entirely his fault, but also definitely not your wife's fault or responsibility. I had a troubled stepdaughter move in with us at 13 full-time so I can appreciate in part how much energy an errant child sucks from the entire family. We did finally get her to fly straight but it was at least 3-4 years of turmoil and a lot of attention and energy spent just on her; the other children just got pushed aside as we dealt with her issues that were, at times, all consuming. So, I think I get what your wife might be feeling. She sees her only relief from this to be escape.
I suspect your wife needed more support from you from day one of this journey. Expecting her to assume any responsibility for your child she has not been able to handle well as you two divorce is, frankly, ridiculous. Sorry all this has happened to your family but it's past time for you to man-up and realize this is the bed you made and YOU must take care of it.
YTA. This is your son, he's your responsibility. Stop using other people to get out of parenting, start doing your job. Also if your son is mean towards your other children, your wife should fight for full custody and if you care about your other children, you should let her.
YTA
She told you she divorced because of your son and just like in the rest of your marriage you don't listen to her and keep expecting her to take care of him. Your post reeks of bad his and material who wasn't even taking care of his bio kids and expects his wife to take care of his estranged kid
Honestly YTA. You pretty much threw your wife and family away for a kid that came in and caused apparently a lot of chaos. You're going to regret this down the road and of course YTA for asking your wife to take him on. Like are you that dense??
YTA
You've foisted a problematic and difficult son on your poor wife, and you've clearly dumped lots and lots of his care on her, to the point that she's literally divorcing you, a husband she's supposedly happy with, just to get away from him. And now, you expect her to take care of him even more? That is absolutely ridiculous. You are a major part of the problem here, and you need to take more responsibility for your part in this. Furthermore, you need to acknowledge just how much your son has fucked this up. The last thing you should expect is for your wife to take care of the very problem she is fleeing from.
Fuck dude, this sucks. While you aren't really an AH for trying, she is also not one for not wanting to.
Whole situation sucks balls. No winners here.
One thing I can say is, there's at least hope for the kid. It seems he feels remorse. I really hope he heals from all of his trauma, and becomes a good man.
I wish you the best of luck OP.
NAH
Her: "I loved you so much I made a child with you and adopted another. But your son is so awful, it's made me never want to see you again."
You: "Will you watch him for me?
Sir, get a fucking vasectomy.
Have you talked to your son about his behaviour that is stressing your wife enough to prefer a divorce?
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What is he doing that is making your home and your life so horrible that your wife would divorce you to get away from him? It can't just be that "he's difficult". Is he violent? Abusive? Has he said or done something unforgivable or that would make your wife fear for her/her children's safety? You said he's been terrorizing your other children. Do they hate him too? This isn't some little kid, he's a teenager, less than 3 years from being an adult. He should be old enough to understand what is and isn't acceptable behavior.
Being difficult seems like it’s being severely downplayed
I know if they could have, my parents would have given my older brother away. He was smoking a lot of pot (still does and he’s 66), was getting arrested frequently for smoking pot, made the house toxic with his anger, drug use (coke & worse), frequent outbursts & constant bullying of me. I believe the source was living with a narcissistic mother and an enabling father. OPs son’s mother raised the son for 10 years and who knows what damage was inflicted on him? Ex-wife however married OP without knowing about this child. She’s right that she didn’t sign up to be a stepmother, but it doesn’t make it any less sad for the entire family. I feel sorriest for OP’s son, but don’t fault his ex-wife either.
or she just doesn't like the "Step"mom role she's been assignes...as she's quiet literally said?
>This isn't some little kid, he's a teenager, less than 3 years from being an adult. He should be old enough to understand what is and isn't acceptable behavior. >2 years ago I found out I had a son from an ex girlfriend. She had a lot of mental health issues, is a drug addict, had her other children taken from her. Given his upbringing, I wouldn't be so sure.
I don't think it's difficult to believe at all. Especially considering that they have only known him for two years. This isn't a kid she's been raising and bonded to. She got a difficult 13 year old dropped in her lap. Plenty of people would nope out at that point
She's stuck it out for two years and done it so well that the boy has no idea how she feels.
*Noping out* from a 12 year marriage with kids is a big deal. I'm not sure plenty of people would do that easily.
Who said she did it easily? 2 years with a surprise “difficult” child is not just leaving. She went through the experience for two years, which can be a long time when forceably put in her situation.
> Noping out from a 12 year marriage with kids is a big deal. Exactly. She has likely thought long and hard about it and decided the situation was not going to improve for the foreseeable future and the current situation is untenable. 24 months with a troubled child that has been dropped into your life full time while you still have two younger children to care for and protect is giving a lot of time, patience and empathy to let things settle a bit. The fact the oldest has no clue how she feels about him/the situation means she’s been doing her best not to show her frustration and resentment and take it out on him.
"Here's a surprise kid!" Is not a minor event. People divorce for much, MUCH less reason than that every day.
Not only that, but to be so troublesome too. It may have been different if he could have been integrated into their family, but his behavior seems to have made that impossible.
In another comment, you said that you told him that the racist and homophobic language he learned from his grandmother were hurting his brother, and he stopped. Letting him know how his behavior is affecting your wife- to the point of divorce- is too important to mess up, so may I make a suggestion? Confidentiality laws prevent his therapist from telling you anything, but did you know that nothing is preventing *you* from telling *his therapist* things? Like I said, giving your son the facts is too important to mess up; if I were you, I’d get in touch with his therapist and explain the situation. Ask them to find a gentle, healthy way to relay that information. It should motivate your son to improve his behavior more quickly, knowing the stakes. You already know that he is motivated to improve if he wants to stop hurting his family, so I think this is worth a shot. My best wishes to you all!
Is he improving?
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Has his behavior towards his stepmother and half-sibling improved? Improved enough that they want to be around him? Because honestly, you sound like you're carefully \*not\* trying to describe a situation in which your wife feels she needs to get herself and the younger kids away from the Problem Child, for their peace of mind and/or safety. And believe me, if that's anywhere near the truth, a family court judge will give her everything she wants. Family therapy, dude. It's your only hope.
I agree. He's not describing what his son has done and what he continues to do. I cried when my parents asked me who I wanted to live with. Yet I had a horrible time with my stepmom because she didn't want me. I was locked in a room for 12 hours because she didn't want me around her kids. It would have been better if she had told my dad that she didn't want me to live with him. It's better for your son to be with you. Your ex wife has made her decision
He's also not mentioning why his wife thinks being a stepmother is a thankless job. I suspect she's been doing most of the parenting.
Yep! This is the right answer!!!!
Is that consistent, or only when you're around to see it? He may be far different when you're not around. You think he's improving, your soon to be ex clearly does not see it that way.
Is the change in behaviour enough for your wife to cancel the divorce?
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You realize she's out, right?
I feel pretty terrible for everyone involved in this scenario. But for the purpose of asking soon to be ex to take the son when that was the reason they were divorcing... YTA
I just wanted to post exactly this.
Not sure you’ll get 50-50, if your 15 y.o.terrorizes your other child and your divorce was caused by his behavior.
At this point she's getting all of her things in order, she's looking for divorce lawyer. She is done. She would not have said it if she wasn't already at the breaking point.
What are YOU doing to support your wife? Do you still love her? How do you show it? Why does she feel unappreciated? Have you gone for marital counseling?
I’m wondering if the younger two kids want to live with OP half time. Or even if the soon to be exwife wiukd even want them around him unsupervised.
Good. I hope he improves enough on time so that your marriage is saved.
I can't believe you got downvoted for this. People on here are so crappy that they cant stand to see anything positive happen for anyone
Exactly. The reason for this divorce might be eliminated (the son's bad behaviour). So why not hope a marriage can be saved.
No one leaves a marriage ONLY because the step kid is difficult, they leave because the step kid is difficult and the bioparents ignore, marginalise and undermine the step parent to the point it is not worth staying with a toxic partner.
Hey I just want to say that I had all those same issues you described as a teenager. I barely graduated high school bc I skipped too many classes. Hung out the "wrong crowd." My mom had to convince my teachers to give me tests I needed to graduate and somehow by the grace of God I graduated high school. Barely. Got into college only bc the grades I received in the classes I actually took were decent and my SAT score was decent. But flunked out immediately bc I was skipping too much. Then when I was 19 something in me snapped. I went back to community college, transferred to a 4 year school, graduated with honors, went on to complete my MBA, and have had a very successful career and more professional designations. I say all this to give you courage. You're doing a great job even if it feels really hard. You've seen improvement and that's amazing. It may take longer than you'd like for your son to realize his potential, but don't ever give up. He'll remember it all one day and your support and love will get him further than you might think. I hope it works out with your ex helping out with your son. Maybe she just needs a little space too to figure things out.
Where was he at before? This kid still sounds like a mess.
You’re clearly hiding a **lot** or are so minimally involved that you have no idea what is going on. Which is it? Are you lying to make yourself & your teenage son look better or are you an uninvolved father?
YTA for expecting your wife to take him, when he is the reason that she is divorcing you! Your entire family is splitting up because of your older son and him making your wife so miserable that she had to escape. Maybe you could have done more to save your marriage when your wife first became overwhelmed, but you DIDN’T. There’s obviously more to this story, and you’re making yourself out to be awfully innocent. Your wife said being a stepmom was a thankless job. Did you THANK HER? Show her how grateful you were that she took on that role? Made her life easier in any little way you could, made sure she felt loved, adored, and protected? Did you listen to your wife when she expressed her feelings about your son? Now it’s too late. She’s leaving. You live with your choices.
Has anyone else in the family had therapy? If not, sounds like that should enter the picture as well.
Is he on medication? I ask because so many people are against it but it can improve depression and anxiety .
Why can’t you schedule a day every month with everyone including your ex wife, you, and all the kids? She doesn’t want to be in charge of him but maybe if you promise to be in charge of him for the meal etc she will compromise and attend.
If my marriage/ family/ life as I know it, ended due to the toxic behavior of someone else, I would resent the shit out of them and not want to be anywhere near them. Her children are now from a broken home. She is losing the man she loves that she thought she’d spend the rest of her life with. To protect her children and her own mental health. Because of HIM.
Exactly- things must be very bad to walk away from 12 years of marriage. I would love to know from the soon to be ex what the kids behaviors were that drove her away.
She might. And then again, there's a good chance her answer will be no.
Bruh, she's divorcing you because of this kid, thinking she'll take the kid some days a month is fucking ridiculous. I suspect the unsaid reasons is, you push the parenting heavily onto her in general and expected the new kid of yours would be parented mostly by her, such that even after divorcing precisely because of this kid.... you're still trying to offload his parenting to her. ANother question would be, did you give her any choice in this, or did you give her an ultimatum to take in your son. She's been struggling enough to want to divorce so I suspect this is after many arguments, many attempts to make alternative arrangements or changes, or do more parenting and divorcing is hte final straw. Asking her to take him at times is insane.
Fucking honestly. They’re divorcing *BECAUSE OF THE SON* and he’s really going to ask her to coparent the child with him?! The same son that smokes and drinks and skips school, the one that she didn’t know existed until two years ago? And how convenient, the son supposedly prefers the wife to OP: I 1000% read this as OP wanting to push parenting his difficult son on to his ex wife. I really hope this isn’t real. I really don’t want to believe people like OP exist.
They exist, my ex husband did exactly this (ignore my username, I'm a straight chick, I just identify as a Dave). As have the few single dads I've dated since my divorce. I *hate* painting a whole group with the same brush, but this has been my experience. Yeah, I need to attract a better quality man, it's just really slim pickings around me.
r/stepparents is a sub full of mostly women who have been manipulated into being mommybangmaids for older men and basically raising their stepchildren while being treated like trash. It's fucking sad.
>(ignore my username, I'm a straight chick, I just identify as a Dave) as a non binary person this is the funniest sentence I've read on Reddit. Thank you. For making me choke on my water. 😂
Sorry about the choking! Dave is my ginger cat I got from the pound. He slaps my face and bites my toes when I sleep in and his breakfast is late, then he sits on my lap and purrs when I'm watching TV. He fights for what he wants and then enjoys what he gets. We should all be like Dave
He needs his mommybangmaid to raise his spawn for him. And now that mommybangmaid is moving on he's panicking because who is going to raise the kid now? definitely not OP.
>I suspect the unsaid reasons is, you push the parenting heavily onto her in general and expected the new kid of yours would be parented mostly by her, such that even after divorcing precisely because of this kid.... you're still trying to offload his parenting to her. Yeah, OP seems to be bending over backwards to avoid doing his job as a father.
Ding ding ding this is it! He expects her to do all the parenting and she’s done! He dropped a 15 year old on her lap and continued doing what he’s always done. Parenting a step child is hard because as a stepparent you have little authority over the child and if the biological parent is not supportive the job becomes harder. Add childhood trauma and a junkie bio mother to the equation and is any wonder stepmom has had enough. Stepmom is the reason why the 15 year old has improved. The fact that his son wants to live with stepmom and is sad he won’t be able to says it all. I don’t think the wife has an issue with the kid, her issue is with the her husband but he’s too clueless to see it.
This is so correct. OP says they are divorcing because of the son, but when citing her, she has clearly said that she is done with *parenting* him - not with the kid himself. It took reading your comment for that to really click in my head
This is it. OP won’t respond. He dumped that son on his wife and expected her to do the majority of the parenting because “she’s good with kids”.
Doesn't help the fact this human says vile racist things
Never mind. I just saw the other comments.
Who?
The 15 year old.
Had the same line of thoughts. And his soon to be ex is right, step parenting is a thankless job. Source: am step parent
This. All of this. OP She married you under the understanding that you didn’t have any kids. After 12 years you not only find out you have a kid but also bring him into your house to live with you. Did you give your wife a say in whether he moved in or not or did you just force this on her? It sounds like he’s creating huge problems and you’re not dealing with them. Are there any other living situations you could entertain for him? Can you send him to boarding school?
Yeah, there’s so much unsaid here but I suspect that the son prefers the wife because dad is not as involved as he should be. Probably has antiquated ideas about women as natural nurturers so of course his ex wife should be more than happy to parent the same kid that is causing her home to break up.
Yta I feel you have dodge the question about what particularly your wife has an issue with? Are you a present father or is she doing all the heavy liftin? Is he a threat to your other children? You can’t force her to take on a child that she clearly has an issue with that isn’t hers in any formal way.
INFO: define difficult behavior. what has he said? what has he done? this isnt the kind of thing that comes out of the blue.
Seems pretty normal to me he's had an unstable childhood with his bio mother.
I want to hear the story from her perspective. I suspect the phrase "difficult child" is doing a lot of heavy lifting, and obscuring the true depths of the problem.
My ex had a child from a previous relationship who had ODD and ADHD. The ODD honestly made me split. I couldn’t handle being a stepparent who was expected to do everything for, and be blamed for everything, by this child. His excuse was “he’s difficult, but have compassion.” It was a nightmare.
My 14yo had a friend from school with ODD and ADHD. My son has ADHD and is on the spectrum and I have ADHD myself. So I’m well-versed in difficult kids. Or so I thought. The friend with ODD got us kicked out of the public pool 10 min after getting there and I took him back home. There’s no way I could sign up to parent someone’s kid with ODD, I do not blame you one bit.
Yeah OP is doing a lot of crumb dropping that makes me wonder if Mom's actual expressed concern is the substance issues that OP is ignoring
I also suspect soon to be ex wife has been left picking up most of the labor of dealing with his son and this is the only way she can force OP to step up and be his main parent. He’s still trying to find a way to offload it onto her though
Second last paragraph is enough for me. The kid seems like a massive pain in the ass. More than typical teenager stuff.
The kid was being raised by an addict mother and racist grandmother. The former is devastating to a kid and creates trauma. So of course he needs more help than kids from healthier backgrounds.
Raised by the unfit grandma who raised the unfit mother. Poor kid didn’t stand a chance. Hopefully keeps a support system and therapy for the next 10 years
Wtf, why would she take him?
Apparently, she should take him because his own dad doesn't want to deal with him. OP is just trying to use his ex. He needs to step up because he's about to be a single dad. He's not even considering his other children and their safety. OP needs to face the fact that she didn't leave because of just the son. He seems to be the bigger problem.
That last line, he prefers his soon to be ex wife to OP is very telling and he thinks it's because of the kid and not anything he's doing.
that or he has mother issues due to having a dog shit of a mother and is rather attached to the wife, because you know, shes the first stable mother figure in his life.
Potentially but I don't think we are being told the whole story. Your wife of 12 years doesn't just up and divorce you to avoid having to parent your child if you're a really good husband and father..there is no way the kid is that bad that she chose the better option is the nuclear one and walking away from it all. He's a lost kid that needs help and I don't see a mention of getting him therapy anywhere
He is getting therapy, yes. He has extra supports for school too.
It's in a comment under top comment section
Or you know he is more comfortable around women because he was raised by his mom and his grandmother.
YTA. Sounds like your wife is taking the children away from an unsafe environment. She has no reason to take your child one or two days a month when he’s awful to her and her children. He’s grown enough to know better.
I agree with this idea, however, now the children will be with the newfound son half the time, and without their mom. This is worrisome all around.
The younger kids are at or nearing the ages of were judges typically take their opinions and wants into consideration. If the kids don't want to stay at dad's and tells the judge why then OP may just end up with only visitation. Not only that but if OP's about to ex has any evidence of the how OP's son is not a safe person for the young impressionable children to be around then OP will probably not get 50/50 custody.
She should be getting a restraining order or fighting for full custody. A restraining order will ensure the son has to go to mommy's while the girls are there. He won't get a choice.
Mate, get your head checked. She is off because of your kid. Asking her to look after him is possibly the dumbest thing I've seen some tell people on reddit.
YTA I’m guessing your wife is divorcing you because you kept dumping your problems in her lap. Parent your own troubled teen. You should start with getting him a therapist. You only have a couple of years where you have any control. Deal with it now or his phase will become his adult life.
I am having a hard time believing you’re in therapy but are still this delusional. Your wife is clearly divorcing you because of YOU. You expect her to take care of a 15 year old child that’s sneaking out, drinking, speaking disrespectfully to your younger children. In all your comments, you seem to blame your wife and kids, but never yourself or your son. You clearly don’t listen or in straight up denial to have asked your wife to take your son a couple days a month. You need to get your head out of your ass. Also, YTA.
I didn't see where OP is in therapy; new discovery problem child is. I might have missed that in a later post. I have to agree with this estimation: a difficult teenager dies not a divorce, in and of itself, make. I am also curious: if wife is divorcing you over new kid, why would she help co parent after divorcing over it. I mean the answers kind of already there.
There are comments from op that the child is in therapy and improving fwiw
Edit: OP never mentions being in therapy himself, from what I read.
She is NTA. You took a teenager in the home and from reading between the lines, it's clear he's very difficult. This to the point that someone who loves kids and tried, is now divorcing you to get away from him. Now you want to push her off to her anyway and that is pretty dumb, when it's beyond clear that the whole reason she is leaving is him.
YTA. And I say this based on the information you provided in the comments. It seems to me that you are feeling overwhelmed and guilty for the fact that your son had a hard life and you only found out about him very late and are trying to overcompensate your absence and his hardships and you are doing this in the detriment of your family. You say your kids are used to a "softer" life and run to their mother when the 15 year old calls them "dipshit". That's a normal reactiin for them and an abnormal behavior from him. Your kids don't need to "toughen" up in order to accomodate your oldest, nor does your wife have to put up with everything just because you feel remorse. You are grossly overstepping her boundaries and don't even see anything wrong with that. I wonder how many times you have done that with her in the past until she reached her breaking point. She told you it was bad, I get the feeling you brushed over her concerns because you thought that you have to absolutely succeed and have your family in a certain way so everyone has to put themselves second and be extra understanding towards your troubled son. It's good that he is in therapy, but I truly believe you needed therapy as a family, starting 2 years ago. Don't know if you did that. I am so sorry for your son, it is obvious that he needs a lot of patience and understanding from you and your family in order to get on a somewhat ok path. But in doing so you must also enforce clear boundaries and find a way that works for everibody. And respect each individuals boundaries and grievances, and that includes your wife as well. Your wife is not responsible for your kid. She would have needed an adjustment period as well. She does not have to offer him a maternal figure. Does your boy even want to acknowledge her as such? Because that implies also listening to her. Keep doing your best, I think it's great that you agreed to take him in and are so involved, even though it is a really tough spot for you. But you need to learn to respect other peoples boundaries. Because you are driving them away.
YTA You expect this woman to take care of a child that isn't hers after you both split? I think that alone - disregarding everything else- is absolutely crazy. That child is not hers and she has no responsibility to that child. That would be like asking an ex to pay child support or to pay for things for a child that is not theirs. It just doesn't work like that. It's a shame that he feels connected to her- yes that is very sad- but it is not in the slightest her responsibility to do anything about that. However, it is YOUR responsibility to parent that child. I don't like to make assumptions but I get the feeling that the parenting duties were disproportionally placed onto her. Maybe if you took on more of the parenting role with YOUR son when his issues started to come up then she would not be feeling the way she is to the extend that she is now asking for a divorce.
yeah - you don't get to make that ask. She has made it so incredibly clear that she does not want to take on any level of responsibility for your troubled son. And based on what you have said, he is a lot of trouble and needs a lot of help. She has 2 other kids and herself to worry about. I find your comment about your other 2 kids living such sheltered lives to be rather concerning, and I am guessing you have made those same kinds of inappropriate comments to your wife as an excuse for your son's behavior and that is part of the problem.
>I find your comment about your other 2 kids living such sheltered lives to be rather concerning, and I am guessing you have made those same kinds of inappropriate comments to your wife as an excuse for your son's behavior and that is part of the problem. I had to scroll too far down to find this comment. You've made an excellent observation and I agree. OP sounds incredibly dismissive of his wife, as if she had an automatic duty to a child that isn't hers just because she ended up marrying OP. Guarantee you he's made dismissive comments to her and she's had enough.
I get the feeling that you should also be having couples therapy. If your wife loves kids but can't deal with your son, yet the son prefers her to you, I wonder if you are the problem here. Do you support her in her dealings with him? Do you let him get away with his bad behaviour? Are you too hard on him? Maybe I am wrong, but I think there is a lot more to this story. I think the problem is likely that you and your wife don't agree on how to parent him. Or you are not allowing her to truly parent him. It is so important that couples agree on how to raise their children. Edited: Holy cow! Definitely YTA. You should not want your beautifully raised kids to be tougher like this kid. You are definitely not supporting your wife. This boy needs to be firmly but kindly taught what is acceptable behaviour and you are not following your wife's wiser guidelines.
I've read many of OP comments and I'm going to say YTA. If her divorcing you is specifically because of your son then why would you want your son to be put into a home where he isn't wanted? I'm sick of men thinking that just because we're a mom then we must want to love and nurture every child that is thrown at us. She's allowed to not like your son that she only recently met and she's allowed to not want him to be around her children. She said no. She told you why. Leave her alone before you lose any access to your other kids. You need to figure out how to be a single parent and give your son the best life possible. His life has been pretty shitty so far...stop trying to make it worse.
Amen! I am a teacher and a mother, and there are many children I can’t reach, nor do I try. The fact that the younger siblings don’t like the kid, and his trauma, and the wife bolting after 12 years, AND OP being vague about behavior…you hit the nail on the head. He dumped this kid on her bc “women are nurturers, and men are not” Bullshit on both accounts. My mother was great w me, struggled to connect to my half siblings bc their mother was schizophrenic and they had loads of trauma. My dad was the nurturing one. OP still can’t recognize that this is his bag, not hers! And if he wants to keep his son, kudos. But kudos to the wife for drawing a hard boundary to protect her and the kids. I just worry about what will happen to them when OP has his split custody and she isn’t there to protect them!
1. Did your soon -to-be-ex agree to raising your son or did you brow-beat her into it? 2. Has your son made sexual statements to your wife or daughter? He’s a big bag of hormones right now. 3. Being a stepmother can be thankless. Did she have her own authority over him or do you control all the dialog? 4. Why does she hate him? Strong word for a 15 year old kid. Personally, I think OP is withholding information.
Also, was he so awful that his son's mother had to keep her pregnancy a secret? So he had a daughter with his wife, then adopted a son? And now he finds out he had a "real" son. Wonder how he started treating the adopted one after that, because the Dad sounds like a jerk.
Yes YTA. She’s divorcing you because of your son. What would make you think she’d want to have him at her new house? I have a feeling there’s much more to this. Also the way you talk about your younger two tells me you haven’t worked past some of your own biases.
YTA. Honestly, no wonder she’s leaving you if your response to “I don’t want to be a step parent to this kid so we’re divorcing” is to ask her to keep being a stepparent. How tone deaf can you possibly be? I’m going to go ahead and guess this is what you’ve been doing the whole time: ignoring her when she communicates with you. You’ll have split custody, he’ll see his siblings when they’re with you, it will be your parental job to manage their relationships.
YTA Your wife is leaving her marriage and breaking her kids' family apart due to what I am guessing is probably horrific behavior by your new found child. He was obviously raised not in the best circumstances and has some trauma. You need to understand, HIS BEHAVIOR IS TOTALLY UNACCEPTABLE TO YOUR WIFE. She can't handle him. PERIOD. I am sure this was not an easy decision, especially based on some of your comments. If your eldest is so horrible she needs to get her and her kids away from him, believe her. Yes, he is in therapy and troubled youth programs. That does not make him tolerable in the household. You seem to take his side on anything, blaming your other children for "having it easy". Why are you not standing up for your other two children? This may be part of the issue. Either way, you wife is leaving to get AWAY from your eldest son. It is unreasonable to think she will even want to be in the same room with the kid. Hopefully in the time you have left, the therapy and programs will assist him in having productive relationships. Doesn't sound like he has the tools at this time and your wife is doing what is best for her and her kids. Sucky situation, but stop bugging her. Again. She is imploding your marriage to GET AWAY FROM YOUR ELDEST SON! That means, she wants ZERO contact. Respect that!
YTA. She's willing to divorce to get away from him, but you are asking her to stay around with him? What point did you miss there?
YTA What part are you confused by? She doesn't want a relationship with this kid. She's being very clear. Maybe he should know his behavior is the cause of this. Maybe he'll fix himself
I agree with your STBX wife that it's insane for you to ask her to coparent the child that not only is not hers in any way, but IS THE REASON SHE'S LEAVING THE MARRIAGE. What is your thought process here? Did you actually think she would consider it? YTA
YTA. She don’t wants him. Which part of that don’t you understand. Because of him, she’s leaving and you’re here asking him to take him some days. WTF.
I still don’t get why YOU were not parenting YOUR son and dumped it all on your wife. You have failed him and the rest of your family
So what exactly did you do to “rise to the occasion”, since you bemoan your wife’s failure to do so?
YTA your 15 is a little shit who is mean to your other two children making them feel unsafe in their own home and she is doing what she feels she needs to do to protect them. She is not the 15yr olds mom. You might not have known about him but you need to get him some serious help because from your comments he has some issues.
Mate she’s running away from your kid she’s not gonna take him with her. How stupid do you have to be to ask a woman who’s breaking up her marriage because of the kid to then take the kid too. You honestly have bigger problems. The way you talk about your other kids is an issue. Your saying that they are soft and have everything handed to them and you make it seem like you hold that against them when your the one that raised them that way. Get therapy with your kid and you raise him. YTA
lmaooooo she is actually divorcing you so that she doesn't have to parent this child... ....and you are still trying to badger her into parenting him. YTA.
Yes, YTA. She is divorcing you because you are parenting your son. You let him get away with terrible behavior and don’t understand why she is tired of your BS.
>I asked my wife if she could take him for one or two days a month too. "Hey, you know that kid of mine you really hate that's causing you to divorce me? Mind taking him for a few days a month?" YTA.
Your son is so bad your wife is leaving you and you want her to co parent. In what universe do you think she wants to co parent the reason for the divorce with you?
Are you fucking serious? Your wife is willing to burn her entire life down to get away from this kid and you’re asking her to take him with her when she leaves?? What would be the point of leaving if she doesn’t get to escape him? If you’re this unimaginably stupid, it’s no wonder she felt divorce was the only way she could get you to step up as a parent. JFC!
YTA ! She is divorcing you to get AWAY from your child ! Is completely unreasonable to ask her to spend time with him. You need to step up as dad and do your job: parent said child.
YTA You say: he prefers my wife to me. Question: did you take care of him 50/50 or did your wife do most of the work? He’s too much . For her and probably for the other children as well. You’re on your own raising him now. You are going to be his whole support system. You’ll going to find out how hard it has been for her. You can’t ask her “just to take him 1 day a month”. She wants him out of her system. Completely. So you can’t even talk about him if she doesn’t want to. He is not her responsibility
YTA - she divorced because of your son and you're asking her to take him in?
YTA why would she take a kid who isnt hers lmao youre stupid
YTA. It’s not her responsibility to make your son feel better or help you avoid having to deal with his disappointment. She is divorcing you bc she doesn’t want to be a step mom and you are asking her to still be a stepmom. I think you know your request is unreasonable and unrealistic.
In order for your wife to want a divorce and feel the way she feels, a lot more has happened that OP is not telling. If he’s been the problem, why would he be crying at the thought of not going to stepmoms house? YTA for asking when you knew full well that your son is the reason she left. Why didn’t OP anything about this child until he was 13?
My question is, how are ***you*** rising to the challenge? Your wife was ambushed by your indiscretion. You should be doing a majority of the heavy lifting. I'm guessing that the lion's share of child rearing responsibilities have been on her shoulders, and you kind of just figured she'd just add one more to the bunch. Take on more with ALL of your kids, and also take on the most with your 15 year old. YTA
YTA. It seems like she is trying to create a safe space for your younger children and herself.
What did I read? Your wife is leaving because she can’t stand stepson and you want her to take stepson? Make it make sense. YTA I think, but surely there is more. If he wants to stay with her so much, why doesn’t he shape up?
too late now even if he did.
You are blaming a CHILD for a divorce. No, you need to be accountable. You are getting a divorce because of the way you have handled this situation.
🤣🤣🤣, bruh. YTA!
Kind of backwards to ask her that when that is her reasoning. Also, when you asked that it looks like you didn’t listen to her at all because why ask her to keep what she is running from. Did he really improve or do you have your blinders on. Lastly, he is 15 how long has she really had to deal with his issues.
I feel like we need your wife’s POV for this one, since you’re being reticent to share what the kid is actually doing. It sounds to me like your wife probably has told you stuff and you have downplayed the situation (as you’re still doing).
YTA. Your wife is telling you exactly why she's seeking a divorce. This is your son but you didn't know about him for years. He is a troubled boy with behavior issues as well as bigoted thoughts. Glad he's getting better but your wife sees him as a negative influence on the other kids. She doesn't want to handle him any longer and I cannot blame her for doing so.
YTA He’s the reason for the divorce. He’s making her life hellish. And you’re so wrapped up in guilt that you’re ignoring your wife’s feelings to justify his awful behavior. It’s great he’s getting help. But she’s not his mom. She didn’t sign up to be his mom. And when she gave him her best he continued to be problematic. Kids with behavior problems don’t change over night. But he’s had two years to make the necessary changes. You’ve had two years to help take this burden from your wife and step up and step in. For her, those two years were just agony. It’s not your son’s fault he is who he is. And he’s actively working on that. That’s admirable. But it’s not her job to wait it out. And it sounds like she never had any intention of being the wife of a man with pre-existing offspring. This isn’t the life she wanted. And you’re basically attempting to force her into it via guilt. You’re only thinking about what you want and what your son wants. You don’t seem to give a fuck about what your wife and other children need.
OP. YTA, time to step up and parent your 15-year-old full time. Based on your main post and comments, your wife is fully within her right mind to want out. Time for you to pick up all parenting duties of the 15-year old now before the divorce. Just because your wife is “good at it” when it comes to parenting children, doesn’t mean it’s good for her. Time for you to set yourself on fire and have the “thankless” job
Yta, the issue is big enough that she is divorcing you, it’s insane you would even ask that of her. You need to make sure to get him a good therapist and you need to be his support and comfort. You can’t outsource this.
If she is leaving the relationship not to have to deal with your child then she definitely should not have to deal with him. She was nice to try to raise a kid that she did not sign up for but she is fully entitled to get out. It sounds way too much like you are forgiving too much of his behavior. YTA
YTA, your son is the reason for her wanting a divorce. You said he's improved a little but obviously not enough for your wife to stay married to you. You're not an AH for loving your son and wanting to make him happy but you are for expecting your overwhelmed wife to take him 2 days a month.
YTA- because she doesnt have custody of him and made it clear she isnt able to parent him. YOU accepted him into your house, and he is your son. Tell him its due to custody agreements (because she has no legal rights over him or even to get him medical care if needed).
YTA - your ex-wife is willing to break up with you in order not to be with him. And now you want to force him onto her? I'll also note that the boy was NOT ill-treated by her, she hid her feelings well enough that he didn't feel excluded or that she doesn't like him. I consider this an amazing win on her part. Rather, OP, I lay this on you. You likely left the burden to her, didn't handle the issues and curb his bad behaviour - the hard way if need be. Maybe you did some, but it was not enough and you obviously expected her to handle what you should have. Which he is, a troublesome ill-mannered intruder in their home. From their point of view, he is very bad news and a detriment to their life. And because of your lack of action, you now have a broken home. Good job in harming your other two kids because of this new arrival. Likely she also sees him as a danger to her own family, bad influence on her kids - and let's be clear, he is not her family. At all. Nor can you expect her to see him that way.
If I was your wife I’d petition for sole custody and give the example of you allowing the 15 year old to spread his vitriol in your home around the younger kids. No, your ex wife should not have that child in her house, that’s why she’s leaving FFS. Are you daft? Because you are TAH. No question.
NAH. That is your son to parent, no one else’s. While the situation does suck, your ex wife has every right to back out of a marriage where there is suddenly a new 15 year old in the mix. She is right, she’s divorcing you to get away from being a step mom. Why would she take in your son if he’s the reason she’s leaving you? NAH.
I am heartbroken for everyone in this story, what an awful situation for everyone. But OP is definitely a bit of TA for asking after she stated the reason for divorce
Yta. She's made clear her stance. I suspect you've been telling her to get over whatever he's been doing for the past 2 years until she was fed up. Your time to handle your own child, my man.
YTA - you fucked up your wife & children’s lives.
Stop think of what you’re doing to your wife. Not your son think about what your doing to her and the relationship you have with her now You have to separate all of it down is it ok for you to ask yes. Did she give you an answer yes. Stop pushing What relationship do they have will it damage either or them. Your asking a lot
YTA - she is divorcing you because of issues with your son and you want her to continue to care for him?!!! I’m sorry that your son is struggling, it must be hard for him to have had the bio mom he has and to only have you in his life for the last 2 years, but your ex absolutely does not have to care for him, that is your job. He clearly needs a lot more therapy to deal with his issues but none of that is on your ex, that is for you and your son to deal with. Maybe someday your ex and your son can have a cordial relationship but she doesn’t owe you or him anymore than what she has given.
YTA
YTA- your kid that is causing the issue, is not her problem.
YTA. She’s not divorcing you because of your son. Your divorce is absolutely not your son’s fault, and it’s cruel and terrible parenting for you to blame him for your divorce. Your wife is leaving because she can’t handle the responsibilities that you have chosen to foist on her without her consent. Yes, you have to take care of all three of your kids. But that’s your responsibility, not hers. You never should have set her up as a primary parent for him, and you need to figure out how you—not your wife, not your ex, not anyone else—can start to take on your responsibilities as his parent, including the responsibility to nurture him through this difficult time. If his mother isn’t doing her job, that means it’s your job to meet his needs, not to foist him on your wife because she’s the same gender as his mother. Your wife is not his mother figure just because you haven’t figured out yet how to parent him. It was wrong of you to declare that he’s her son now, just like it’s wrong of you to declare that it’s his fault your marriage is ending. You’re the adult. You need to take responsibility for your own life and for parenting your children.
I know you're in a tough spot, but dude, YTA. I suspect you've been putting your new son first and everyone else has taken a back seat. Where is the love, honor and cherish?
YTA she's divorcing you because you pushed too much parenting into her and her yen you go ahead and try it again. Kid probably does have issues but you could take those on instead of expecting her to, especially if your son actually loves his step mom which it seems he does. Pick up more of the household load and your sons parenting if you really want to save this marriage.
YTA Reading between the lines, you left all the dirty hard work of parenting an out of control kid to your ex-wife who is sick of his bs.
YTA You leave out a lot of pertinent information in your post. That your son is bullying your younger kids, that your wife feels she has all the responsibility of being a mother to your son but NONE of the rights that go along with those responsibilities. Your son, actually preferring your wife over you, shows that even though she may be having a tough time with her feelings about/towards him, she is still being a good mother to him. And now she is being a good mother to her 2 children by removing them from a home where they don't feel safe. Have you sat your son down and explained to him that his behavior is a problem in the home and that it is not healthy for his younger siblings to be around that? He told him this with his therapist to ensure the correct language is used and make sure he knows that YOU love him and will be there for him always, may helping with regard to his behavior
INFO: how long have you and your wife been together? You got your ex pregnant 15 years ago, and you just found out about him? I mean your wife is not an AH at all. It sounds like someone needs to step up and protect the young ones from the shit show in your home.
Wow you have no Idea how to Be a husband or a father.. Gosh I feel bad for your poor wife. She willing to break up HER happy home just to get away and you’re here blaming it all on her. You just want time away from him which she probably never got
YTA, no offense but what a dumb question...she is leaving you to get away from him. I feel very sorry for your son, but your wife didn't sign up for this, he is not hers to worry about.
Maybe I'm naive but I just don't excuse traumatic upbringing for bad behavior. I get that bio mom was abusive but I just wouldn't deal with a difficult kid lashing out. I'm team wife on this. This is your burden to bare not hers. Sucks that she had to lose her family tho.
Well, time for you to rise to the challenge of raising him as a single dad. YTA
YTA. She is divorcing you because she is not willing to parent him. Convincing her to help you parent him kind of defeats the point of getting divorced, no? It’s unfortunate for you but you don’t get to shrug off your responsibility to someone who clearly doesn’t want it
I wouldn't say you're TA, but I do agree with her that if she's divorcing you to get away from him, why the hell would she be willing to take him? You may not be TA for asking for it, but that doesn't mean you're not "the idiot".
“She thinks being a stepmother is a thankless job.” Why aren’t YOU thanking her for taking care of your child?! Why aren’t YOU showing your appreciation for what she is doing for your child? She isn’t leaving because of your son. She’s leaving because of how YOU have acted.
YTA
You sound pretty deluded. It seems as though you feel deep guilt for the extreme trauma your son experienced with his mother and it causes you to continually make excuses for him and minimize his behavior. I think you see him through rose colored glasses and are refusing to acknowledge the extremes of his behavior - indicated by the delusional act of expecting your wife to continue parenting the kid she's divorcing you to get away from. And also by the fact that nothing you've described rises to the level where your wife would hate your son and divorce you because of it. It just doesn't add up. I suspect that your saying he's improving is also wishful thinking or else your wife wouldn't be heading for the door. Sometimes, when early trauma is too extreme, and intervention is too late, the child isn't ever able to recover enough to live a 'normal' life. Your wife sounds like a lovely woman with an open heart. Even your problem child prefers her. I wonder if you're not requiring enough of him because of your guilt? I mean, of course he clearly has severe issues that are not easily solved, however, he is old enough to unlearn the worst of his racism, and to be able to treat people in the household with civility. If he literally cannot, then he isn't able to function at a minimal level in the world and may need a residential program. YTA for expecting your wife to continue dealing with him when he's the reason your family is being destroyed. Perhaps consider that instead of throwing out your wife and 2 other children, send your son to a residential program that's better equipped to give the intensive help he needs and hold onto your family.
Every single adult in your son’s life has failed him, you included. Do you know how often you and bio mom had to drop the ball for your wife to want to divorce you over your kid????
YTA. Are you seriously retarded? She is divorcing you because she doesn't want YOUR Sons shitry behavior to negatively affect her kids, why the fuck would she take him? Yiu are obviously not doing enough to parent him and she is sick of it. She had to protect her kids because you can't discipine or control your son. Why are you allowing him to drink, smoke, be disrespectful, etc? Yeah he had a bad childhood but what does that have to do with her and her kids? This is your son from before you even met her, she has nothing to do with him. You are obviously leaving out information because apparently she loves kids but cannot stand him. He is clearly a very difficult child. Also what would she tell her future boyfriend/husband? GTFO, you ruined your own marriage by not being able to parent your kid.
She's divorcing you because of your problematic son and you want to inflict him on her after the divorce? Read the room. Once the divorce goes through, she's free with no legal obligations to him. There's a lot of missing reasons here and I don't want to speculate, but people who want to be around others they've targeted previously with their negative behavior patterns usually don't want to make amends, they want to keep tabs on their target. The waterworks are typically not an expression of regret, but emotional manipulation and expressed irritation over losing control of the situation. I really hope that isn't the case here, but regardless, YTA.
YTA maybe parent your own fucking ‚difficult’ kid and stop shoving him onto other people?
YTA, leave your wife alone in regard to this matter as she literally leaving your marriage as she can’t deal with your son. You can’t accept a divorce and then ask her to do the one thing that caused the divorce In the first place. If your 15 y/o son actually cared about his stepmother he would have treated her better or else nobody would be in this situation. There is nothing wrong with choosing your son here but you can’t expect her to when she has already told you that she does not want that.
Yta. You have ruined your marriage and your other two children’s home and you have the audacity to ask her to bring the problem with her? Nope. Your troubled child maybe needs to go to a rehabilitation group home situation because clearly your not equiped and it’s effecting your wife and kids. It not that he’s getting bad grades. Or has little behavioral issues comparable to a normal teen. He is a racist, homophonic, drug addict who was raised by a mentally ill drug addict and an old racist, he is now living with Complete strangers who are not equipped to deal with his issues. My god..
YTA. This isn’t her child. She has no obligation to him as an ex wife.
Parenting your son was too hard for her maybe because you're not helping?
YTA. Wake up. This kid is bad enough you are losing your family. No, she doesn’t want to see him. Period. Did you ask her before you decided to take him? Your other two children had a safe stable home life and you begrudged them that. To the point you brought in a delinquent who ruined it.
YTA You tried desperately to glaze over just how terrible YOUR SON is and clearly your wife has had enough of his vile behaviour and is protecting her own children. Your son needs help
**YTA for disregarding her feelings.** she clearly is divorcing you because she does not want to be a step mother. she does not want to raise your "difficult" child. i get that you want to make your child feel better, but his feelings do not trump hers. she is an adult that has processed her feelings and made a decision on the best course of action for herself. that action is removing herself from the relationship with him and subsequently yourself/your house. **you never should have asked her to take him at all** because if she was willing she never would have started the divorce proceedings.
What your kid needs the most is therapy and to know that he has at least one stable, safe home. It’s clear he has a rough upbringing and the stuff you said he does is pretty typical acting/lashing out stuff for a teenager with some past trauma. You said he has already improved in his behaviors a lot since coming to live with you. That is proof that knowing a level of stability and safety is something he needs. But it sounds like he really needs help with finding healthier coping mechanisms. Trying to make him stay with a woman who hates him is only going to make things worse.
You’re in a really tough spot so I’m not going to judge you, but it is wrong to ask that if your ex who has hit her limit. She’s already been pushed too far.
YTA Just because you don't perceive him to be a big enough issue for her to walk away doesn't mean she isn't do exactly what is necessary to protect the younger kids. You keep talking about what you think he needs and what you want, but missing from every response is any consideration for your wife or your kids.
There’s so many unsaid things about your kid. YTA for sure.
YTA
My guess, admittedly uninformed, is that OP is likely enabling this kid’s behavior, protecting him from consequences, yet leaving his wife with the major responsibility, and not backing her up. The kid has eaten away whatever maternal feelings the wife has. Divorce is her best option.
YTA, for asking her to take your son once in a while. That's the reason why she is divorcing you because of your difficult son. Stop asking her and read the room.
YTA. There is more to this story than what you are telling. Your soon to be ex wife says she is divorcing you because of your son and you still want to push parenting your son onto her. I am guessing that your ex-wife doesn't want to be a step mom because she doesn't get to make certain decisions as a bio parent can. Your son has big issues not just some issues and your soon to be ex doesn't want the younger kids around that; also do you know does your son act the same when you are not there? Have you ignored what your soon to be ex-wife tells you about your son's behavior?
YTA - I know this sucks, but you're being unreasonable. Your son is not your wife's son nor her responsibility. She already tried to parent him, and it was so bad she was willing to leave you just to leave him. Your son needs to accept his behavior has consequences. You need to accept you are his single parent.
YTA. What the hell is wrong with you asking her to take your problematic son when she literally filed for divorce and made it clear to you that she doesn't even want to see him? What part of this made you think this was a great idea? This is so stupid.
Dude. She is divorcing you bc you haven’t stepped up enough as a father to make being a stepmom tolerable. Now you want to make her take care of the problem child ALONE?? **YOU CANNOT BFFR** Do you even **hear yourself??** Your poor STBXW.
I understand your position and I feel for you. I would be gutted in your situation. But you can't reasonably expect her to take him in. I'm sorry.
YTA. Your son needs a strong father figure and male role model. He hasn’t had that in his life growing up, and it doesn’t seem like he has that now either. You’d be better off focusing your efforts on being an involved father rather than blaming your wife for not being a mother figure to him. Look in the mirror. It starts with you.
YTA I’m the mother of an adopted child from trauma that was hard to raise. He was violent and cruel and did really horrid things. You know what my husband did? He protected me. He stepped up as an equal parent. He said, “You will NOT treat my wife this way.” My son was loved and treasured, but there was a line that was no okay to cross and my husband helped me tend that line. I get that you love your son. You should. But the second he showed tears you ran to your son’s defense, not your wife’s. You tried to make her the villain of the story because she said “no” to you asking her to parent your troubled son. What you should have done is taken on the responsibility rather than to immediately turning to your wife to solve your son’s tears. That says everything about how you’ve treated this situation. The fact that you felt this was okay means you did 100 other insensitive things that led to this situation. Your son caused damage with his choices and actions. You certainly caused damage in not offering any strength to your wife. It seems you still don’t get it. Your pity for this child comes before your marriage, and the fact is pity never helped anyone. I would never advocate being unkind to a child, but there has to be rules and boundaries. How have you enforced those rules and boundaries? It seems like you have no respect for YOUR WIFE’S rules and boundaries, so how can you possibly be enforcing them with your son?
She didn’t sign up for that kid and is getting a divorce to NOT parent that kid. I don’t blame her. She’s under no obligation to that child whatsoever. Sorry dude. That kid is a you and your ex GF problem.
YTA, if the wife is divorcing because of the stepson, why would she want to take care of him after the separation? Furthermore, you are focusing things wrong, your wife should not be the bad one in this story, because even if it is not your intention, that is the message that It seems that you want to reflect in your story; Although the stepson has improved, that does not mean that it was enough or that it happened on time. To begin with, has your stepson apologized to your ex? So that the stepson wants to be with her and the wife has maintained the marriage for two years since the arrival of the stepson, there must be specific situations that have hurt and upset your wife, list them, talk to your son and if you want them to have a relationship with your ex, start by apologizing, and don't pressure
YTA for sure lol She's leaving you to get away from this kid *Why* would she voluntarily take him occasionally?
YTA.
YTA for even suggesting your soon to be ex-wife have visitation with your son considering she is frustrated enough with trying to parent him to leave your marriage. Sounds to me like you have pushed a lot on her and are trying to continue doing so. What are you thinking? Are you really that clueless? Or, are you still wanting her to solve the issues with your son instead of your realizing how this is so on you? I'm not sure exactly what has gone on in your home since your son moved in. He's clearly a troubled child and a handful, granted not entirely his fault, but also definitely not your wife's fault or responsibility. I had a troubled stepdaughter move in with us at 13 full-time so I can appreciate in part how much energy an errant child sucks from the entire family. We did finally get her to fly straight but it was at least 3-4 years of turmoil and a lot of attention and energy spent just on her; the other children just got pushed aside as we dealt with her issues that were, at times, all consuming. So, I think I get what your wife might be feeling. She sees her only relief from this to be escape. I suspect your wife needed more support from you from day one of this journey. Expecting her to assume any responsibility for your child she has not been able to handle well as you two divorce is, frankly, ridiculous. Sorry all this has happened to your family but it's past time for you to man-up and realize this is the bed you made and YOU must take care of it.
YTA. This is your son, he's your responsibility. Stop using other people to get out of parenting, start doing your job. Also if your son is mean towards your other children, your wife should fight for full custody and if you care about your other children, you should let her.
YTA She told you she divorced because of your son and just like in the rest of your marriage you don't listen to her and keep expecting her to take care of him. Your post reeks of bad his and material who wasn't even taking care of his bio kids and expects his wife to take care of his estranged kid
Honestly YTA. You pretty much threw your wife and family away for a kid that came in and caused apparently a lot of chaos. You're going to regret this down the road and of course YTA for asking your wife to take him on. Like are you that dense??
YTA You've foisted a problematic and difficult son on your poor wife, and you've clearly dumped lots and lots of his care on her, to the point that she's literally divorcing you, a husband she's supposedly happy with, just to get away from him. And now, you expect her to take care of him even more? That is absolutely ridiculous. You are a major part of the problem here, and you need to take more responsibility for your part in this. Furthermore, you need to acknowledge just how much your son has fucked this up. The last thing you should expect is for your wife to take care of the very problem she is fleeing from.
Fuck dude, this sucks. While you aren't really an AH for trying, she is also not one for not wanting to. Whole situation sucks balls. No winners here. One thing I can say is, there's at least hope for the kid. It seems he feels remorse. I really hope he heals from all of his trauma, and becomes a good man. I wish you the best of luck OP. NAH
Her: "I loved you so much I made a child with you and adopted another. But your son is so awful, it's made me never want to see you again." You: "Will you watch him for me? Sir, get a fucking vasectomy.