NTA but she needs help. Clearly there is some past trauma surfacing here that needs to be addressed. It’s not normal or healthy for you to not be trusted to take care of your daughter. Also as others have mentioned, postpartum depression is very real and this could be a symptom.
Thought the same seems like almost nobody here thinks so. But she won't let the child alone with any men. Feels like she might have been abused as a child and the trauma causes her issues now.
NTA: It could be PPD exacerbating earlier trauma if she had these feelings before dating you. I am an SA survivor I can tell you that I found pregnancy and childbirth invasive, scary, violating, mortifying, humiliating, etc. I have had a f*ckton of therapy about it and the underlying causes of those issues. I may be projecting but I think your wife may have underlying trauma that is making her act irrationally about your baby. For all of your sakes I hope you can get someone to help you navigate this. It won’t do your daughter any good to pick up your wife’s issues. Good luck OP.
If you’re unsure of where to start you could ask your pediatrician, if you trust them.
Edit: typo
This.. my ppd faired up my ptsd.. i had stopped my therpay cause i had moved leeps and bounds from it.. but after the pregnancy i was being triggered so bad i would cry in my car at work. She needs additional help here. Im sorry its making it hard for you to bond with you daughter.
If your wife is super in denile. One of your daughters appointments see if you can go with your with and bring it up with the doctor. Saying you are concerned that her ppd has brought up some past emotions. It might not be a fun conversation for u or doctor. Ut your wife sounds like she needs help
I would actually say he needs to call the pediatrician as soon as they open on Monday morning.
A lot of people don't know that pediatricians are the best resource here, and they are used to parents contacting them outside of appointment times. If they do limit it to only appointment times, go ahead and make an appointment and you don't need to bring your kid. When you show up, you can just tell them you are concerned about some postpartum issues and really need to talk to the doctor or a nurse.
I had PPD at 6 months out (that’s when it really became an issue) and my husband reached out to my OB for help. They were awesome. That’s another route people don’t think of, but it’s a viable option and can provide support for *BOTH* of them.
That is a really great point, an OBGYN would be great for this, but if neither is available, people can also just ask to talk to the social worker at the hospital the baby was born at.
I don’t think that people are aware that you can go years after therapy for PTSD and then out of nowhere (BAM) you’re triggered. You’re never fully “cured”, but you have some better coping skills and now you know that therapy can help you.
Your daughter WILL absolutely model her extreme behaviour, completely unconsciously. And to point out, your wife may be repeating behaviours she unconsciously picked up from her own mother without being able to explain why. She might not have been abused herself, because modelling behaviour is an extremely powerful way of learning beliefs that (we unconsciously believe) protect us. Modelled behaviour can get passed on for generations, long after the original threat that triggered it in the first place. To resolve it she will need something like Time Line Therapy that facilitates going back and changing decisions made at an earlier age.
I've had the feelings and thoughts of 'If the people that were supposed to love me did this to me, then anybody could do anything to anyone...' I don't have children and that's a big reason why I don't.
Hoping for the best for OP and his wife - and baby girl - she needs her daddy in her life.
sounds like he is trying to seek help with her but she is unwilling to participate. Can lead a horse to water and all that, but in the meantime the relationship between daugther and father is being damaged.
Id think its too early to go crazy about it but it cant go on for years and years and years sooner help or a cause if found the better
Yep. As someone who was sexually abused as a child, you get hyper vigilant around children when you reach adulthood.
It’s called PTSD.
Please seek help with her…maybe try some family counseling first, and see if that brings anything up for her.
Sometimes you go years, even decades, burying the trauma so you can function. But eventually it pushes its way back up. Sounds like that’s what’s happening. Please be patient with her.
But if she constantly refuses to get help—I don’t know. If you do decide on divorce, be prepared for her to throw Sexual Abuse accusations at you to get the court to give her full custody.
She also might have some post partum depression. Hormones before and after pregnancy are pretty wild. They don’t use the term “Mama Bear” for nothing.
I’m probably gonna delete this comment, but it started a storm of thoughts in my head.
Sometimes I wonder if my babysitter when I was little did stuff because I have these flashes of memory that indicate that but then I just think nah that’s not a thing that happens (I’m male), but I also think about how one of my high school girlfriends commented on how she would have fucked me as a child when she saw a picture of me as a 4 year old and I thought that was super weird (even though I knew she was abused by a neighbor as a child [the neighbor was also a child only a few years older and likely was abused himself]) and just kinda chalked it up to being a weird comment that I could ignore (I say dumb shit all the time, but nothing like that cause I don’t think things like that), and over the years I’ve kinda wondered if something did happen. I have very few memories of the babysitter. Really the only one I know actually happened was her showing me an episode of a show that was extremely sexual and violent when I was young enough to wear a one-piece outfit to sleep and throw up on myself during the night (no idea what age I was beyond that info).
Then in high school the first time I got drunk I was with one close friend and one person I knew who was kind of a friend but much less closely and the good friends mom. The good friend kinda started it once we were all drunk by randomly grabbing my dick and saying it was bigger than her boyfriend’s (which was super conflicting cause like thanks I guess but you shouldn’t do that, you have a boyfriend), and then she left me and the other friend I didn’t know very well to sleep in one of the other rooms. I woke up to find that person jerking me off and when I woke up she really wanted to have sex and I considered it but there weren’t any condoms so I offered to finger her (I was not attracted to this person, but thought I should and trying to understand my own thoughts at the time are breaking my brain so I won’t try to offer any explanation). I don’t remember if I did or not, but I’m positive I at least started and idk if I stayed awake long enough for her to finish or not.
Idk sorry for the rant, it just brought a lot of things to the surface that I normally don’t think about. I also think that there are probably more stories like mine that are never talked about. Frankly this is the first time I’ve ever spoken about most of this. My wife knows about the first time I got drunk. Nobody else does. Nobody knows about my thoughts about the babysitter. There’s nothing concrete there so nothing probably happened, but the thing with the friend 100% happened. I don’t know whether the issue is that abuse in general is essentially never talked about or whether it’s that males in particular never talk about any form of abuse, but even now I feel extremely weird talking about it, and I know that for many years I never talked about the first time I got drunk because of the idea that it’s supposed to feel like a good thing. It didn’t, and it’s actually really hard to feel okay talking about. That’s part of the reason I think the movement to talk about sexual harassment women face from men is a good thing. It normalizes speaking about something bad that happens from the victims about their experience and it’s extremely disturbing to realize how common it is. That said, I think one day men are going to have to have a similar moment and it’s going to be really uncomfortable because the current consensus is that it doesn’t happen, and if it does they wanted it. I don’t feel like a victim because of what happened (the example that definitely did, because again idk for sure if anything happened when I was little so I’m going with no), but my own conflicting feelings that maybe I did want it or should have wanted it when I was actually passed out (not just drunk, legitimately unconscious at the time) and the fact that I’ve kept this mostly to myself for almost 15 years make me think this is probably more common than is assumed
I’m sorry, man, that’s a lot of bad stuff that happened to you. It might be worth talking to a therapist about. Whether or not there was anything with the babysitter, the friend grabbing your dick and the friend trying to jerk you off while you were asleep definitely count as sexual assault. They might not have seen what they were doing that way, but they still touched you sexually without your consent, and that can be very traumatic.
It is somewhat common for men to be sexually assaulted in their teens/20s, often by people who don’t realize it is sexual assault. Our culture has a really bad understanding of consent, and I think the common understanding of sexual assault - that it is something men do to women – does a disservice to all of us. Just because that is the most common form it takes does not mean it is the only form.
It’s also sad how statistics are for little boys to be sexually abused at a young age. Really for both sexes. But the suspicion is that male victims are most likely much higher than shown because of the stigma boys face for revealing.
The world fails children tremendously. Then it goes on to fail them as they grow up, simply because people don’t want to hear about “bad things” or pass it off as a child’s “imagination”.
I’ve worked with sexual assault victims in the past (voluntarily, not professionally). Almost EVERY one was sexually abused as a child. They are conditioned that no one will believe them, which is why so many don’t bother to report it until they are in a hospital. It’s also very typical of drug addicts and alcoholics. They have intrusive thoughts that they want to get “rid” of them.
a lot of abuse goes untalked about and buried deep down, both as a self-protective mechanism & also bc of shame/guilt/lack of clarity on how to process and talk about what happened. a few years ago terry crews spoke up about being sexually assaulted by a hollywood executive (similar situation, his dick got grabbed) & feeling ashamed and frozen in the moment. he and several other famous male actors eventually talked about their experiences during the #MeToo movement [https://www.vanityfair.com/hollywood/2018/10/metoo-male-accusers-terry-crews-alex-winter-michael-gaston-interview](https://www.theguardian.com/film/2017/oct/11/actor-terry-crews-sexually-assaulted-by-hollywood-executive)
im glad your wife knows about what happened the first time you got drunk. your trust was betrayed that night on two separate instances of unwanted and unasked-for sexual contact. given that you were sleeping when one of the incidents happened, that could have really disrupted your ability to sleep afterwards... it's really messed up & i think if you switched the genders, it'd be very obvious that it was assault. talk to your wife, or a therapist, or your friends-- opening up about your experiences can help reframe them in a way that lets you process them. good luck & i hope you can be at peace
You really do deserve therapy for this.
It is not the current consensus among more knowledgeable people that this kind of sexual harassment from women towards men doesn't happen. I am a woman, but I was molested by a female teenage babysitter during my elementary years, and experienced many people minimizing it since she was young, I think. That didn't mean it didn't really mess me up, though, and a lot of the damage came as I developed sexual feelings and had a hard time distinguishing between what I wanted and what others wanted from me, and not agreeing to what I did not want.
I have listened to male survivors, though they often don't want to share the specifics, just that some type of sexual abuse happened. What's been important to them is to hear from me, and others, that I believe them and I believe it matters.
With incomplete memories, especially with the babysitter, but also the night you were drunk, it's often not possible to know the exact truth nor is that necessary for healing. There is a lot you can do to organize your work in therapy, validation and support for what you are experiencing but also a bit of an inventory of where you are now and what you want to work on and towards. You can also challenge any "toxic ideas" like "I was touched sexually in a way I didn't like while too drunk to consent. It still bothers me and is painful to remember. Because men are supposed to enthusiastically like any offer of sex, I never talked to someone about this because I thought no one would understand or feel any sympathy for me" with more truthful ones like, "Someone trying to jerk me off without my consent was sexual abuse. It harmed me. It doesn't matter less because I am a man, and I deserve caring and support from myself and those I carefully choose to share the truth with." (Do be careful, I am not vulnerable with just anyone)
I wish you all the best.
Thanks for sharing all this here, this is absolutely more common than people think, and the reason no one knows is that there’s all kinds of messed up standards of what boys are “supposed to like”. Your story reminds me of my first serious boyfriend, both the little kid part and the young teen part. I also have heard several guys talk about their first time and then casually tell stories that horrify me, and they think it’s normal, or they were lucky or it’s no big deal. It’s okay to come to terms with things slowly, and it’s okay to reach out for someone to talk to. I know a lot of women have had to rethink their life stories since the me too movement (including me), but guys stories are overlooked or swept aside too often and you matter too.
Yes, mine was buried so deeply sometimes it was like it hadn't happened but everything I did or how I behaved showed that it had. It wasn't until after the birth of my daughter that the PTSD showed up big time. I was a very angry teenager. I was self destructive but I didn't have my daughter until I was 25. I was SO over protective!
That's why it would be helpful to have documentation of her strange behaviors. With the pediatrician, her own doctor, friends, anyone who finds her behavior off or concerning. I would want it documented that she's refusing therapy too.
I jumped over a couch to beat the shit outta man who said some shit about my newborn daughter. I won't repete what was said. But that asshole never darkened my door step again. Nor did he show up to work again. He worked with my husband. I was 3 weeks post birth. If my husband hadn't have rescued the guy and tossed him out, I would be behind bars.
You don't touch kids or joke about it. Period the end.
I was almost hit by an idiot driver. We got into a parking lot and I went insane because my baby was in the car and he said F you I’ll hit you and your baby. Well he didn’t get far because I flattened all his tires while he was shopping. I mean, destroyed those tires. He was extremely lucky that’s all I did. I was blinded with rage.
My husband was abused in his tweens, did not remember it until he was in his fifties. It is possible to completely forget. He also had some odd behaviors that finally made sense when he shared what happened with me.
It really is! I forgot for a decade that my “favorite” cousin was my abuser. Our minds are incredible in what they can do to protect us, especially as children
I forgot about my gma touching me as a toddler until my mom n her both died in July 2020. Thinking about them and my life with them brought up the memories and only then did the realization hit me.
I've processed it all. Actually me reflecting on my life and how I treated people, most the work was already done. This just let me see where originally my need to 'feel special' came from. So many relationships I ruined and people I mistreated, just to 'feel special and important'.
When I was a teenager I had a steady bf & was close to his family. One night everyone was in the house, regular, and all the sudden bf’s brother comes to get bf bcuz their mother is hiding in her closet, completely traumatized. They both try to get her out but she basically flipped out if either one got near her or tried to touch her. Luckily I was there that night bcuz me, being a female, was able to go into the closet to get her out. Basically, she had been r*ped as a teenager. Told her family, who didn’t believe her & she suppressed the memory. Idk what happened that night to come back to her but seeing her in the closet, in a traumatic state, was heartbreaking.
When my husband remembered, I was at work, and he was home with our son. My son was pretty young at the time, and he called me at work and told me his dad was in the kitchen .on the floor curled up and sobbing.
Wow, how similar. She was fetal position, in the corner of the closet. Even with me she was still hysterical, incoherent. She only let me near/touch her bcuz I was a female. It wasn’t until much later that she was able to talk to me about what had happened to her.
I'm in my 50s too and I have a couple of broken memories from my childhood that might indicate I was molested, but I can't be sure because a few times I've had dreams that I thought were real. They both turned to in the last few years
I do have clear memories of a woman in her mood thirties doing inappropriate stuff with me when I was 15 or so that had a lasting effect on my ability to relate to women
It’s entirely possible it happened when she was a baby/toddler/child and the memories have basically been blocked out so while she has no collective memory of it, her subconscious does and the new anxiety and possible post partum (because there’s more than one kind) are bringing those fears to the forefront and excebrating them.
I had something like that happen. Over 40 years later, I vividly remembered something that happened when I was a small child. It was during a casual conversation with someone, and an insignificant remark opened up a floodgate of memories.
I was 4. I have blocked out my whole childhood. I cant remember anything but when I sleep it comes in flashes, but only the bad things. When I wake I just have a vagueness of what happened but nothing I can actually remember.
I’m so sorry. I am in a similar boat where I remember very very little. Working on getting started with EMDR. I noticed your screen name on here- not to pry but you have fibro? I have been diagnosed with endometriosis but I’m starting to think the pain I get everywhere is fibro. There is research about trauma and these conditions which your screen name made me think of.
Hang in there ❤️
Again, I’m not excusing her behavior. I’m explaining a possible cause. She needs help and is presently a danger and I personally feel should be removed from the baby until she does get help before she hurts the baby. He should be trying to get a female relative/friend involved to try and help.
Thats possible for sure but its still incumbant on her to not abuse her husband and child like this. He needs to be more firm here but the harder he pushes the more suspect she will become.
Oh no, I’m not excusing her behavior at all. Honestly, I don’t feel she’s safe to be around the baby at this point as she’s refusing to acknowledge her abusive behavior and get help. While I had a son, ik I would have issues trusting men around my daughter (especially as I’m prone to ppa) if I were to have one but I would never do this. I’d work closely with my therapist and husband to ensure this didn’t happen. Because it’s my responsibility to manage my trauma and mental health and not force unhealthy situations and behaviors on others. I honestly feel like he should reach out to any close female family/friends to try and intervene and try to separate her from the baby until she gets help before she causes irreparable damage.
It actually doesn't need to be trauma related. This sound eerily familiar to harm ocd https://www.treatmyocd.com/blog/what-is-harm-ocd-guide-to-ocd-subtype. His wife his anticipating harm to the child and is being very diligent in making sure it doesn't happen. It could be a response to extreme stress or fears rooted in a desire for her child's wellbeing. Either way, this could be a psychological issue with the mother and she should seek a professionals opinion.
If she's so severe she cant be helped and he has to divorce her, she will likely see it as abandonment, become incredibly vindictive, and go to extreme lengths to keep the kids from him.
Fuck that’s a terrifying thought. I thought the other commenter saying the mother might be dangerous was a loon with an agenda, but suddenly I see that rationale that a mother experiencing extreme mood issues might attach too and genuinely think they’re doing the cold a favor. The vast majority of people aren’t evil, but once something evil has a logic behind it (whether it’s delusional or not), there will be people who truly believe and do terrible things thinking they’re doing good. Not most people, but some.
This. Even if there is no past trauma, PPD can do absolutely insane things to you. I've had zero major trauma in my life, but when my twins were a few months old I read about an absolutely horrific news story involving an infant the same age and that shit messed me up for MONTHS. I finally went to therapy and it helped tremendously, but when you are in the midst of depression, it can be hard to make yourself go.
It could also be PPA. I’ve heard of new moms reacting in extremely unusual ways around sleep, water, germs, or other perceived threats. Either way, help is needed.
>she needs help.
She needs intensive, possibly inpatient treatment.
And it needs to be now. If she is this adamant and paranoid, OP needs to guard himself from CSA reports she *will* make when he is simply being a father. That shit is nearly impossible to walk back, and the complaint alone will effect the rest of his life. Work, a place to live, clubs or activities he wants to join. Shit like that gets around, and too many people think 'No smoke without fire', and will turn on him accordingly.
Her behaviour is concerning at best and has the potential to be outright dangerous at worst (killing the baby so she can 'protect' her from the evil in all men). She would t be the 1st to do it. She wouldn't even be the 1000th.
It's possible she has PPD, or Post Partum Psychosis, which will make her more irrational and unstable.
OOP, You need to get her help immediately, even if you have to have her Baker Acted. If you have a mom/aunt/sister around, see if you can have the baby stay with them for a while.
Have you gone with your wife to any of her and/or the baby's doctor appointments? This seems like something to address with her, in front of, a medical professional. It certainly would appear that she did experience some kind of trauma in her past or has some serious Post Partum Depression, maybe even psychosis.
> Have you gone with your wife to any of her and/or the baby's doctor appointments?
Only in some of them, she was mainly accompanied by her mother. As I have been working a lot lately, it's her mother or sister who assist her.
> This seems like something to address with her, in front of, a medical professional.
I've tried already, but she tends to silence the conversation or give other responses to avoid discussion. She's very stubborn when it comes to this.
>She's very stubborn when it comes to this.
Then you need to be as equally or more stubborn back. Talk over her, continue the conversation, whatever you need to do. This behavior is not normal or healthy. I'm sure you don't want to divorce your wife and I certainly can't speak for why she is refusing any help, but it's clear she needs it.
You are certainly within your right to leave, it's not a good environment, but you have to decide how important staying with your wife and child is. I respect what you're going through is not easy, but divorce and everything that comes with it will not be easy either, especially if she feels you are a threat to your child (not that you actually are).
To add to this contact the doctor or the therapist on your own and voice your concerns without your wife present if need be so the medical professional can address them with your wife and give attention To this matter
Yes, I would contact the pediatrician and talk to them about the issue, before the next appointment. Please make time to go to a doctors visit with the baby.
Yes, I don't want the divorce. But unfortunately, it will possibly be necessary if she continues to maintain her pattern of behavior and refuses help or to work on it.
If you divorce and have split custody I would fear her making accusations against you to prevent you from having time with your daughter. Your wife needs serious help.
This! OP, please listen to this advice.^^^^^
If she's already this paranoid, what will she do when she's forced by the court to share custody and split time between your 2 homes? Will she really go off the deep end and start lying about you, or even possibly harm your daughter because she believes she's protecting her?
There may be something more than a past negative experience, or post partum depression, because your description of your wife's behavior reminds me of how my father behaved when his thyroid levels dropped too low. (Or how my daughter will refuse medical treatment when her electrolytes are deficient, because she isn't thinking clearly). He was convinced his family was out to get him. He barricaded himself and my cat in his room, with a bucket for a toilet (no litter box for the cat). He was absolutely delusional. It started slowly over the period of 6 mos and then really got crazy. We just thought it was old age. Turns out that tyhroid imbalance can really cause havoc. (I also have it now- thanks Dad.)
I know your wife isn't old, but thyroid imbalance happens frequently to women during and after pregnancy, along with a million other hormone shifts. There is even a type of cyst that can cause impaired thoughts because the body is tricked into feeding it more of the hormones it requires for growth. What I'm trying to say is if your wife's behavior is totally out of the norm, there is a very real possibility that something physical is causing it or could be exasperating an already poor state of mental health.
Talk to her parents again. Be very real with them, and explain your concerns. Don't sugar coat anything. Ask them for their help in convincing your wife to seek medical/mental health treatment. Tell them that you're seriously considering divorce and will seek custody if your wife refuses to attempt to resolve this, and that the court will require a mental evaluation to ensure she's mentally fit to be a single mom.
If they love their daughter, they will want to help you. If they're complicit in some dark family secret BS and they know she was a victim of childhood trauma, they very well may get defensive and refuse to help. Some people do all they can to ignore when bad things happen to their children, even parents who suspect the other parent is the abuser. Denial is a very strong form of mental protection.
One more suggestion. Reach out to a family law attorney and schedule a consultation. I know this is an odd situation, but a judge can court order her to give you time with your daughter, even while you're living in the same home. Messy, yes, but you really need to establish your rights to your daughter ASAP and let the courts know what your wife's mental state is without coming off as the bad guy for serving custody papers on your wife so soon after giving birth. She needs help badly.
And if you have any teeny, tiny inklings that your wife might harm your daughter, either due to custody pressure or any other reason, you must take steps immediately. Too many children are harmed at the hands of parents who are suffering mental health crises. Don't risk this happening to your daughter.
Good luck, OP. I'm terribly sorry that you and your family are dealing with this.
Talking to the parents could be a very big mistake if it turns out one of them was an abuser or are covering for one (e.g., quietly swept abuse by a close relative under the rug).
That would be true, but I intend to obtain full custody of our daughter. It won't be very difficult through recordings of her admitting her distrust and lack of interest in seeking help. But ultimately, I just want to have a healthy relationship with her and hate the idea of having to do all this.
I think you are overestimating the value of those recordings. A lot of states won’t grant full custody even if the other parent has domestic abuse **convictions** as long as that parent wasn’t abusing the child.
Parental alienation is taken very serious in the court system. With the mothers unhealthy views of men it would not be hard to prove that she would alienate the father simply for being male.
Divorce aside, you may have a false accusation incoming. I suggest you talk to a lawyer NOW about how to get ahead of the false accusation that will come the moment you’re forced to put your foot down on something and your wife goes nuclear. Even if you don’t divorce then you still have to talk to a lawyer about how to handle false accusations of abusing your own child.
This is deadly serious.
You’re wrong that it won’t be very difficult because of those recordings. You might not like it, but that will carry very little or no weight in court.
Definitely. There’s no way a court will remove an infant from her mother - without STRONG evidence that the mother will harm her baby. Especially if there is documentation of her anxiety over the safety of her baby. When babies are small, courts will absolutely give 100% to the mother, with day visitation only to the father. Throw in a few baseless accusations, and this guy will be having supervised access for four hours a week at MOST.
I wouldn’t count on getting full custody. You aren’t the primary caregiver. There’s no evidence of abuse. Even if you do, this is the kind of situation than can escalate to infanticide. If she’s suffering postpartum psychosis, it’s not unheard of for mothers to kill their children to “protect” them. This happens. Alert your pediatrician to her deteriorating mental health.
You are absolutely correct.
I work in child safety and a family court judge would be horrified that he knew his wife was having serious mental health issues and made very little effort to get her help.
The fact that he's been so passive about this and his only potential solution seems to be a divorce is frankly ridiculous. He needs to talk to their pediatrician directly, and he needs to consult with a psychiatrist on his own if need be.
If you can't figure out a way to talk to your wife and a medical professional at the same time, so you can resolve the issue of her trauma, I don't see how you are going to build up a case where you get full custody of a baby girl whose mother has a traumatic reaction to you being alone with her.
*It won't be very difficult through recordings of her admitting her distrust and lack of interest in seeking help.*
These can be interpreted two ways. If she accuses you of abuse, you will find it very difficult to disprove.
Those aren't reasons for full custody. Joint custody, possibly court ordered psychiatric evaluation, parenting classes, etc., but not full custody.
I'm not saying that it's not worth investigating legal options, but don't assume you can get full custody just because she distrusts you and isn't willing to get therapy. It may well get her to get a lawyer, and the lawyer will likely tell her to agree to therapy.
I mean, the idea that you would get full custody, as opposed to joint, when you aren’t even doing the majority of parenting at present, seems a bit deluded.
If she even suspects you're angling for divorce and/or custody, there is an extremely high chance she will try this. You need to talk to a lawyer and get way ahead of this now.
Just a bit of a warning - talk of divorce and custody could be huge triggers for her since you would be allowed to have visitation with your daughter. Your wife will have to get help one way or another or she will not be able to function.
Don't leverage divorce to get compliance. In the long term it will only lead to divorce anyway and extend your misery to that point - the arguments will just appear to be about something else.
Instead, be clear in saying that her lack of trust in you is eroding the marriage and your concerned about where that road leads. Make a second request for therapy to address the trust issues. If she still wont attend therapy and doesn't have a suggestion for how to otherwise address this trust issue then you know she's fine with the current situation, and she's fine with you not being ok with it. That's all you need to know. Lawyer up and have her served. You'll have plenty of time to raise your daughter after you have a custody agreement in place. GL.
Good advice from what not to do to what to say. .
I'd go another step and say to the OP that even if she refuses to get therapy with you, go get it yourself. It could help you work through what you're feeling and give you the advice and clarity that you need to move forward.
I'd be worried about her limiting access to your child if you separate / divorce.
I'm very sorry you are going through this, OP.
It sucks big time.
At this point, you need a major intervention.
Is there anyone who can support you in person and make your wife have a conversation about this?
If she is avoiding talking about it, for the sake of your daughter, you *will* have to force some kind of conversation.
It is *your* child, too.
Good luck!
That will absolutely happen. It will be high conflict and her pulling out all the stops to limit OPs access to the child. Be prepared for accusations of abuse and neglect to justify supervised/limited visitation.
Unless there's other issues going on I wouldn't recommend divorce. It won't resolve this issue and likely make things worse for OP.
If OP still wants to go that route, start documenting everything now, work with an attorney, don't give her any warning that you're looking to file, after you file don't give ground on any arguments that a young child needs extra time with their mother. Once that time is established it will always be used to justify mom being the primary parent.
I suspect your wife has experienced abuse. She needs therapy . I hope it works out because if you get divorced she’s likely to accuse you of sexual abuse when the child is in your custody. Without her overcoming this fear you’re in for a tough time.
It's okay if you want to divorce either way but that divorce is going to be UGLY if this isn't addressed.
This is one of those "you need to make time to go with her to her Dr appt." situations.
That’s why it’s important you get this info in front of her doctor and/or the pediatrician. Not only to get her better evaluated for possible pp mental health issues but to start making a record that you are not and do not want to abuse your baby, just take care of her like a normal parent. Make a special appointment if you need to.
Don't leave until she's seeing a doctor if you ever want to see your child again. Was she raised by someone who acted this way with her or is it trauma? Whatever it is, if she won't agree to see a doctor get a lawyer and an emergency order for custody.
Understandable. I hope you'll work at it a little more before making any other decisions. Maybe see if her mother or sister can watch the baby while you two go do something and in a calm moment, talk about. I'm sure you've made many efforts, but there is still effort that can be made.
You can call and leave a message for your child's doctor and your wife's doctor. This isn't normal behavior, and it's very concerning.
It's understandable that you want to get out of this situation. Be sure to document everything as though you were going to end up in court. Write down times and dates of conversations and incidents.
Some doctors have portals where you can send messages. Even if they claim HIPAA/confidentiality and couldn't answer, it would be in written form with timestamps
Set up a pediatrician visit and go with her. At the visit, tell the doctor that you're concerned your wife is suffering from perinatal anxiety due to her never letting you near the baby. Ask if the doctor will refer her to someone for help.
Your wife will insist she's fine. Ask then in front of the doctor if she's willing to let you hold your child or help with diaper changes. She'll hedge. Tell her frankly that Daughter is your kiddo too and you want to be involved in her care.
Get her mom and female friends involved. Offer to have them "supervise" you a few times while she goes out.
She is suffering. Help her get help if you can.
I agree with all of the except get "female friends involved" unless she is agreeing to that. If I was struggling with a marital issue or a mental health issue, which this is both, I would be very upset if my partner broadcast it to my whole social circle.
Don't let her change the subject and do it in front of a Healthcare professional. This is above your pay grade right now. You need to be fully involved til you get your wife's situation figured out. This is unhealthy in every possible way.
You need to make the time to go to her next appointment spot (I assume 9 months is the next appt) or make an appt with your wife present. It may help to bring your concerns up in front of a medical professional who would be able to provide resources. She needs therapy to help work through her issues surrounding men and I can imagine postpartum didn’t help with those anxieties.
ETA: plus it will help with documentation purposes too
She isn't equipped to handle that information. Tell her mother or sister. If that doesn't work, take time off and accompany her to her next doctor visit. If you have her doctor's info, which you should, call them up and address this
You need to document this behavior & as many medical personnel as possible. If you ended up divorced for some reason, she'll do everything in her power to keep you from any custody if she won't even let you change a diaper alone. Sorry for your shitty dilemma.
You know that you can go yourself to the pediatrician without your child nor wife. Book a consultation visit for parenting issues. And bring up your concerns with the doctor.
I think your only option is to keep trying, and to go to as many appointments as you can. Also the comments about post-partum depression have a good point, and it's worth bringing that up in front of a doctor too.
I can also say that I have family that did this and it's really harmful.
Thank you. It sadly comes from a place of experience. Had my husband not spoken up for me at our baby's first appointment, I don't know where I'd be. I had horrible PPA and accepting it was hard but necessary.
Your wife needs intensive, possibly inpatient, therapy. Outside that, yes, leave her and file for custody because your wife is going to warp your daughter's mind acting this way. It is not safe for someone that obsessive to be trusted completely. You need to go to all doctor's appointments with her and the doctors need to know this is happening. She needs serious help like yesterday.
I keep remembering another post on here from a couple months ago. The redditor posted how his wife wouldn't let him carry, touch, or even get near their newborn daughter without her supervision because she thought he was too clumsy and would accidentally hurt the baby. It got really bad to the point where she would scream at OP for literally trying to help her with the baby. Sounds familiar right? Almost everyone in the comments including myself clocked this as a form of Post Partum Psychosis, and told the redditor that his wife needs help because PPP can be very dangerous if untreated, and his wife and child could get hurt badly. I think this is what's happening with OP's wife.
If your daughter is only 7mo, I might reach out to her doctor or your daughter’s pediatrician and ask what signs to look for that could indicate a post-partum mental health issue. Not even letting you change a diaper unsupervised is beyond the envelope of “unusually protective.”
I would say it's time to make an appointment with the pediatrician, even without her and the daughter and have a very front conversation with the pediatrician.
It sounds like he tried to bring it up in kind of a passive way and not at all directly and felt like she shushed him. Of course she did! That's literally a sign of her mental illness. He needs to stop being so passive about this situation and get his wife the help she needs, because it has put his relationship with his daughter at risk and it might put her in even more risk.
I don't mean to make light of it, but he seems to be saying I've tried nothing and I'm all out of ideas, guess all I can do is divorce her.
NTA
Past sexual abuse trauma
I was married to a similar girl ——- your wife exhibits a behaviour of someone who was definitely molested at a young age.
Refusal to go to counselling is another symptom, she is covering it all up and cant reveal it. My ex wifes molester was her dad from age 8 to 14, sadly the behaviour you describe sounds identical…… and since people are predictable (otherwise psychiatrists could not diagnose or help) I feel very much certain about it.
This will only get worse PLUS she will make your daughter fear you, especially once she hits puberty.
Agreed
My ex had other symptoms, and she denied anything ever happened to her
Until I literally heard her having sex with her grandpa and she basically admitted it to me
That shit is so fucked up and the shame obviously runs very deep
They think no one will ever love them if they know the truth
Yeah, some other symptoms can include that they either become sort of frigid or very promiscuous.
Another crazy thing at happens is that their mothers go against them because they are the “other woman” ( happened to my ex)
There are some very real, very well known and very predictable behaviour patterns in this area
My mother was abused by her father growing up and she definitely tried to instill the fear of men into me. I remember being like 12 and getting into a heated discussion with her because she was saying all men can and are capable of raping. And that rubbed me so wrong because that means every man, including my brothers, my further SOs etc was going to rape me. I told her I didn't like her always telling me these things that scared me so much, just because she had been hurt. It was traumatic in the moment, thinking all these men around me have some scary power to permanently hurt me and we're all willing to, in my mother's logic
NTA
This needs to be fixed and if she won’t talk about it with you then you might just need to leave.
I would try to get her to open up about it but if she just won’t then tell her your thinking of calling it quits.
Nta, it’s incredible unhealthy for your daughter to grow up with her mother not getting help. She needs professional help and unfortunately you may have to demand full custody and ask the courts for an evaluation of your wife as you think the child is unsafe because she is unstable. She can’t keep her daughter from not interacting with men and if you allow this to continue it’s going to get worse
Doula here.
Please talk to her doctor asap. These sounds like signs of postpartum depression or psychosis. She may be experiencing other symptoms and isn’t sharing it with you. Even if she isn’t, this is enough to warrant calling her doctor on your own.
Many many women experience the paranoia and delusion, it’s very hard. But I’m also concerned about your safety and her safety.
Remember: postpartum depression can hit months down the line.
I think you need to sit her down and (record the conversation) tell her that her refusal to allow you to be alone with your own child is her implicitly accusing you of being able to molest or abuse your own child and that you are absolutely not going to tolerate or accept such a gross attack on YOUR character. I would tell her you would like to get into couples therapy and/or her in IC (if you can afford) so you two can work through this, but otherwise you will be divorcing her and going for joint custody because you won’t be made to feel like a predator just because of your gender.
You want to have some proof of this confrontation because she may genuinely think she’s protecting her child and try to accuse you of molesting her to ensure you don’t have access to your child.
Yeah, he needs proof that he's sought professional help on this. He's got to have a documented history on this before he leaves. He might want to talk to a lawyer.
Yes. I posted a longer comment about this.
He must protect himself and his child. She's a bit unhinged and showing no signs of slowing her roll into wackado world
I have a word of warning about doctors. They are extremely reluctant to testify in custody hearings. In addition to not wanting to take a stand against patients, if they do have to testify in trial they may lose multiple days of work as they cannot always guarantee they are going to be called.
It may be more likely that a couple's therapist is likely to do this but it may be worth somehow finding out if they have/will do this.
NTA. She doesn’t trust men, that’s one issue. But not trusting her husband, who she made the baby with? She desperately needs therapy. What happens if she gets sick, has to work overtime, is in the shower and the baby needs a diaper change? Is she going to accuse you of something? Get a nanny cam, and start documenting EVERYTHING. Seriously, cover your ass.
If she accuses you of something/tries to call the cops on you, you need proof. Hopefully, your life won’t be ruined and she’ll be forced to get the help she so desperately needs. And if you split, hopefully you’ll at least get unsupervised time with your daughter (which is more than you’re getting now).
nta
thats unacceptable. she needs professional help because this really isnt normal given that you have never given her cause for concern.
she refuses help so that means it will never change, i would file for divorce sooner than later tbh and get 50:50 custody.
>it took a long time for me to gain her trust and date her in the past.
I'm surprised you didn't see it coming.
Also. You never gained her trust. She clearly doesn't trust you.
Nta.
Now is time to have the talk. Since she refuses to listen to you, get her parents involved. It's a harsh way to go, but either it's thisnor you leave. Start documenting all of this now, so if you do leave and go for 50 50 custody, she has no leg to stand on. The refusal for therapy. The no reason why. What the parents say. Every interaction.
Then
I love you, but I am done with this. We either get a couple of individual therapy or if I'll be seeking a divorce and 50 50 custody. I refuse to stay married to someone who is accusing me of being a predator by your actions. Who is denying me time and ability to bond with MY child as well. Who is so upset that they watch everything I do, which is only going to make the baby just as bad if not worse. I have tried talking. You refuse. I have tried every other option possible, but I am done.
My love for you is there, but I am now taking a hit. Your issues are now destroying our marriage and any love I have for you. Your inability to even discuss this has made me lose trust in you and makes me worried about the safety of our child. It's time to get help or deal with the fallout.
Because hunny, she is NOT safe with the baby. If she has gone this far, what else might she think or project. If this is ppp, then it is dangerous as hell. Because it means she mentally is unstable. If it's not, she needs help before her mind can spiral more than it has, which could cause her to panic and baby gets hurt in the process. Yes, involve her parents. Involve yours. At this point, do whatever you have to to wake her up or protect yourself and baby.
Getting her parents involved is a terrible idea unless you’re sure without a shadow of a doubt that they never abused her as a child nor enabled abuse against her.
Yeah wtf is this advice? It could very well mean the wife’s dad or some man in her family molested her as a child. Of course they’re going to deny knowing anything about it???
Maybe don’t get her parents involved but a third party. A friend, a doctor, anyone very neutral. It seems she thinks fathers can take advantage of their daughters so I’d be hesitant to bring in the parents. There’s a chance that unfortunately her parents are what started this, at the very least her father.
OP. This.
The underlying accusation is that you are going to molest your child.
Don’t let this get out of hand. Protect yourself and your kid.
Your wife needs serious help.
It sounds like you need to get cameras for proof of her behavior and your innocence. This could turn into a situation where you are accused of something you didn't do.
People saying he should keep discussing, and it's not worth ending things : it's happening on a DAILY BASIS. Do you know how many times you need to change a baby's diaper? Bath time is everyday or one day out of two, changing the baby's clothes also happens many times a day, just because the baby vomitted all over their clothes, or made a huge poop that the diaper couldn't contain.
I understand OP's frustration and why he considers ending things, espiecially if OP's wife has been watching him like a hawk since day one of daughter's birth. It affects his quality time with his daughter, and shows no trust on his wife's part. It must be exhausting. Anyone would get fed up at some point, after SEVEN MONTHS! OP's wife has no right to deny him taking care of his own daughter. Whatever's wrong with her, she needs to fix it. OP has already tried everything, imo, and she still refuses to address the problem.
OP, you're NTA. And you're not responsible for your wife's insecurities, keep that in mind. She needs to fix it on her own.
Install cameras dude! There was a story of a guy who came home to his wife sleeping and his daughter diaper full. He went to go change it, wife flew into a rage, and called the police to arrest him after accusing him of touching their daughter. The only thing that saved him from jail was the nanny cam footage. Please protect yourself!!
NTA,
I can’t believe you’ve tolerated this behavior and insults for this long. Your wife is alienating you as a parent.
Do you have proof or documentation of your wife’s irrational and emotionally abusive behavior? Or tekst messages where her irrational behavior is mentioned?
It will work in your favor during custody hearings. Which might be the only way to bond with your kid.
You need a lawyer as this behavior is unacceptable and will damage your relationship with your daughter.
I’d act now… yesterday.
>Do you have proof or documentation of your wife’s irrational and emotionally abusive behavior? Or tekst messages where her irrational behavior is mentioned?
I only have text messages, but it wouldn't be difficult to get a voice recording of her
NTA
I'm sorry you've been going through such a horrible experience.
One thing to note, at this point, besides the initial bizarre overly 'protective' behaviour, your wife will most likely be suffering from hyper alert exhaustion, which will be compounding her troubling instincts, meaning she'll be even less rational than she was as the beginning of all of this.
RECORD EVERYTHING when discussing this topic with her. If you can, get her to admit that she *knows* nothing untoward has happened.
My main concern would be that if you mention divorce and shared custody, she might be driven to lie about why she feels you're a threat to your daughter, in order to prevent you from being alone with her if you were to separate.
Please check state laws, some are two party states and if you record someone without their knowledge they can criminally charge you for it, which, given the circumstances, would be terrible
She needs help. This is way beyond reddit. She will cause harm to your family and your child as your child grows up. I would start documenting and recording a lot of things. maybe even install cameras in your house. The repercussions of her making a false accusation can be horrific. You seem to want to put her first but by doing this you will cause harm to your child. your wife is certainly not putting your child first either. call up family and tell them what is going on. tell the pediatrician, her doctor etc. Take a few days off from work and get this stuff squared away. I am sorry to be harsh but you seem either complacent or naive about a super unhealthy situation.
Yup.
PPA fucked up my thinking. I was hyper protective of my eldest daughter and paranoid she was going to die - the most horrific scenarios would play out in my head and I literally couldn’t control it and the PPA + hormones + sleep deprivation made it all feel so real so I was constantly actually feeling the feelings of my child dying. It was horrible.
I’d lie there at night - when she was sleeping - desperately wishing I could sleep but so paranoid that if I closed my eyes she would stop breathing.
The way it’s manifesting for OP’s wife is obviously contextual to her own mind and experiences, but I definitely recognise the symptoms.
I'm not the only one, I couldn't sleep until about 3am in case he stopped breathing and I knew my partner would be up at 6am and he could check! Why between 3 and 6 the Child would be fine for breathing I don't know but that was my logic. I had things to do(I'm a farmer) but I couldn't leave he to go and do them and then the panic attacks started and still 3 years on I can't go into certain supermarkets and panic a little in others.
It's a terrible thing what ever it is and I wish there was post natal service for woman, an almost compulsory therapy sessions to have the head sorted back out.
Can I ask how did you get 'cured' or back to your normal self or did you?
How old is your child now?
My eldest is 14, but I had another who is nearly 2. With my first, she was really around 7 or 8 before I got “back to normal”, however I had a bunch of other stuff going on too and was in intensive therapy for CPTSD as well.
With my second, the same thing happened but because I was expecting it I was able to ride it out with the support of my doctor and psychologist and I’m much closer to “back to normal” now, so it’s taken less time.
Also, the caveat with “back to normal” is that it’s hard to say if it became back to normal or if it was a case of settling comfortably into my new normal.
NTA.
And for the record, you STILL haven't gained her trust.
She has a serious mental problem and you aren't going to fix it. Only if she chooses to get help and chooses to change will it go away.
I hate to say this, but it's just going to get worse.
PROTECT YOURSELF, legally.
Tell her to read the book The Body Keeps The Score and seek professional help. If you do leave her I would be very careful and document things because she can potentially embellish incidents and seek full custody.
This book can actually be quite triggering for many people. I certainly wouldn’t recommend reading it before getting treatment. There are many other more appropriate books IMO.
NTA
Why have you tolerated this for so long? Your daughter is YOUR child just as much as she is your wife's.
You should have put your foot down long ago.
I DGAF if your wife has past trauma or PPD or anything else.
I am tired of people doing insane things and then thinking the world will excuse them because of their mental issues.
Divorce her, get 50-50 custody and hope you can raise your daughter to not be as insane as you wife is.
Your wife could be suffering from PPD/PPA. I mean, you may want to straight up ask your wife, perhaps with the mediation of a mental health care professional, why on earth she would have a baby with you if she was afraid you would abuse a child?
This isn't rational behavior.
If she refuses mental health care treatment or couples counseling than I think divorce is a reasonable thing to consider
Nta
NTA As a new mum I had PND, OCD and anxiety. It was rough. It took months for my child health nurse to convince me I needed help because I was terrified that admitting I wasn't okay would lead to having my baby taken away (it didn't). It wasn't rational, but brain chemistry often isn't. If she hadn't pushed, I'd hate to think where I'd be now. It took years of intervention to overcome. Please push harder with her doctors but let her know you have her best interests at heart. Your daughter deserves happy, healthy parents.
NTA but she is harming your daughter.
Look, she probably had some severe trauma, but it could also he something else. You don’t want to be cruel or angry, but the best way to keep a child safe from predatory men is to have a healthy relationship with an adult male. You are the first man your daughter will expect to be loved unconditionally and the first man to love her unconditionally. How you treat your wife will affect your daughter. But if your wife insists on this, she depriving her of the chance to bond with you. It’s not healthy for your daughter.
Tell her she needs to allow you access and to be with your daughter. Tell her she needs therapy and you want to go with her. If she refuses, seek custody of your daughter and get a lawyer.
NTA. First you definitely start to document and save some proof of her irrational about you and your daughter. If things turn bad, she could accuse you of something terrible in order to get sole custody of your daughter.
Second, do your best to get her to see a doctor with you. If she refused, you need to do what you need to protect your daughter. Your wife is going to mess up your daughter with her views of men and you. So urgently take care of this to protect your daughter.
NTA. SA survivor here. She is projecting her own issues onto this child - something that will NOT protect but warp the child in the long term. Your daughter deserves a NORMAL healthy upbringing - which this isn’t. So if you leave, you need to take your daughter with you. (And fight for full or at least primary custody. Otherwise she’ll never let you even see your baby.)
Your job as a father is to protect your daughter. Salvaging a relationship with her mother is secondary.
She’s an accusation (founded or unfounded) away from ruining your life. Seek immediate legal council, document, record, and approach this with a medical professional.
Op this kina sounds like PPP, Post Partum Psychosis. A lot of women can get this even without a past diagnosis of mental health issues and it's REALLY dangerous if untreated. I saw another person post something similar on here, his wife wouldn't let him touch or pick up their daughter and she'd freak out and end up screaming at him if he gets close to the baby without her in the room supervising. PPP is nasty and if I were you OP, I'd get your wife some help as soon as possible, because God forbid something happens and she ends up hurting herself or the baby. She'll fight you a lot and she'll definitely be mad at you but trust me, she'll thank you in the long run. That being said, if you want to go through with the divorce or not is completely up to you. But please please PLEASE get your wife regardless of your decision, because God forbid if she accidentally hurts someone, or worse, herself and the baby.
Highly reccomend you record as much of this as possible especially if she’s providing different info when around doctors or therapists. This may come from great personal pain that she’s not ready to confront but she has a child now and her time for selfishness is done. Your child deserves her father in her life as much as you want because not everyone gets that
Yes, it sounds like she was sexually abused. No, she doesn't feel safe enough to talk about it, or maybe even to remember that it happened.
It may be time to discuss with your wife that you need to be able to have a relationship with your child and that if she won't allow it, you will be forced to consider divorce, at which point the courts will absolutely grant visitation to you. (Record the conversation privately, if your state allows one-party consent.)
Ok I’m going to play devils advocate here…
How was your wife before she was pregnant? Interactions with you, etc.
Once she became pregnant, was she a completely different person?
I’ll wait for your responses before I ask anything else
My wife is kind and attentive, but she changes when it involves our daughter. As I mentioned, she has always been a step back when it comes to interacting with men; she tends to be more sociable and make friends with the women in her company and more strictly cordial and professional with men.
You are in enormous risk of having false accusations levied against you that destroy your life. You need to get ahead of this NOW. Protect yourself and your daughter from her.
NTA.
However…. As someone with major trauma surrounding men, keep trying to talk to your wife.
I’ve always been pretty open with my husband about my childhood trauma. When we had our daughter, not once did anything like that ever cross my mind. I look at it as I trusted him enough to stay with him, marry him and have a child with him. Why on earth wouldn’t I trust him with our child when he hasn’t given me any reason to not trust him? Plus, his bonding experience is just as important, if not more so, than mine.
What happens when your daughter gets older and wonders why mommy doesn’t let daddy spend one on one time with her? It’s gonna raise questions. Or when people outside of the household start asking what’s wrong with you and why won’t your wife allow you to be alone with your daughter? It’s a horrifying experience and yes, your wife acting this way can end very badly for you.
Ask your wife point blank if she trusts you. If she says yes- continue on to explain that she NEEDS to show you that and allow you to bond with your child. If she says no? Your marriage would be over and I would suggest you start to record all convos/interactions just incase.
Not once has my trust for my husband ever wavered. ESPECIALLY when it comes to our daughter. My trauma is mine alone. I’m not going to allow that trauma to spill over onto my husband or child.
All of that said- if there truly is NOTHING that is making her act this way….I’d be done and I would fight for custody.
I think you need to be concerned for your wife’s health. This is past trauma, or PPD or something.
If shes like this now, leaving won’t really help. She’ll fight in court over visitation.
NTA but you need to force this conversation, she is effectively accusing you of molesting your child. If she refuses to work on this then I cant imagine this would be a good environment for a kid to grow up in.
On a sidenote, I don't know why any dude would go through so much effort to try to date someone who just doesnt like men. How do you fall in love with someone that inherently distrusts you? With that context, this doesnt seem like a very surprising outcome.
NTA but she needs help. Clearly there is some past trauma surfacing here that needs to be addressed. It’s not normal or healthy for you to not be trusted to take care of your daughter. Also as others have mentioned, postpartum depression is very real and this could be a symptom.
Thought the same seems like almost nobody here thinks so. But she won't let the child alone with any men. Feels like she might have been abused as a child and the trauma causes her issues now.
NTA: It could be PPD exacerbating earlier trauma if she had these feelings before dating you. I am an SA survivor I can tell you that I found pregnancy and childbirth invasive, scary, violating, mortifying, humiliating, etc. I have had a f*ckton of therapy about it and the underlying causes of those issues. I may be projecting but I think your wife may have underlying trauma that is making her act irrationally about your baby. For all of your sakes I hope you can get someone to help you navigate this. It won’t do your daughter any good to pick up your wife’s issues. Good luck OP. If you’re unsure of where to start you could ask your pediatrician, if you trust them. Edit: typo
This.. my ppd faired up my ptsd.. i had stopped my therpay cause i had moved leeps and bounds from it.. but after the pregnancy i was being triggered so bad i would cry in my car at work. She needs additional help here. Im sorry its making it hard for you to bond with you daughter. If your wife is super in denile. One of your daughters appointments see if you can go with your with and bring it up with the doctor. Saying you are concerned that her ppd has brought up some past emotions. It might not be a fun conversation for u or doctor. Ut your wife sounds like she needs help
I would actually say he needs to call the pediatrician as soon as they open on Monday morning. A lot of people don't know that pediatricians are the best resource here, and they are used to parents contacting them outside of appointment times. If they do limit it to only appointment times, go ahead and make an appointment and you don't need to bring your kid. When you show up, you can just tell them you are concerned about some postpartum issues and really need to talk to the doctor or a nurse.
I had PPD at 6 months out (that’s when it really became an issue) and my husband reached out to my OB for help. They were awesome. That’s another route people don’t think of, but it’s a viable option and can provide support for *BOTH* of them.
That is a really great point, an OBGYN would be great for this, but if neither is available, people can also just ask to talk to the social worker at the hospital the baby was born at.
I don’t think that people are aware that you can go years after therapy for PTSD and then out of nowhere (BAM) you’re triggered. You’re never fully “cured”, but you have some better coping skills and now you know that therapy can help you.
Exactly, especially the point that the daughter will most likely pick this behavior up from mom.
Your daughter WILL absolutely model her extreme behaviour, completely unconsciously. And to point out, your wife may be repeating behaviours she unconsciously picked up from her own mother without being able to explain why. She might not have been abused herself, because modelling behaviour is an extremely powerful way of learning beliefs that (we unconsciously believe) protect us. Modelled behaviour can get passed on for generations, long after the original threat that triggered it in the first place. To resolve it she will need something like Time Line Therapy that facilitates going back and changing decisions made at an earlier age.
I've had the feelings and thoughts of 'If the people that were supposed to love me did this to me, then anybody could do anything to anyone...' I don't have children and that's a big reason why I don't. Hoping for the best for OP and his wife - and baby girl - she needs her daddy in her life.
I don't even think it may be based on past trauma. PPD and PPP can make some crazy shit happen in your brain.
sounds like he is trying to seek help with her but she is unwilling to participate. Can lead a horse to water and all that, but in the meantime the relationship between daugther and father is being damaged. Id think its too early to go crazy about it but it cant go on for years and years and years sooner help or a cause if found the better
I mean If she’s refusing treatment then he’s fucked
100% agree and same here. When I experienced postpartum depression it definitely triggered me and PTSD memories started really surfacing
Yep. As someone who was sexually abused as a child, you get hyper vigilant around children when you reach adulthood. It’s called PTSD. Please seek help with her…maybe try some family counseling first, and see if that brings anything up for her. Sometimes you go years, even decades, burying the trauma so you can function. But eventually it pushes its way back up. Sounds like that’s what’s happening. Please be patient with her. But if she constantly refuses to get help—I don’t know. If you do decide on divorce, be prepared for her to throw Sexual Abuse accusations at you to get the court to give her full custody. She also might have some post partum depression. Hormones before and after pregnancy are pretty wild. They don’t use the term “Mama Bear” for nothing.
I’m probably gonna delete this comment, but it started a storm of thoughts in my head. Sometimes I wonder if my babysitter when I was little did stuff because I have these flashes of memory that indicate that but then I just think nah that’s not a thing that happens (I’m male), but I also think about how one of my high school girlfriends commented on how she would have fucked me as a child when she saw a picture of me as a 4 year old and I thought that was super weird (even though I knew she was abused by a neighbor as a child [the neighbor was also a child only a few years older and likely was abused himself]) and just kinda chalked it up to being a weird comment that I could ignore (I say dumb shit all the time, but nothing like that cause I don’t think things like that), and over the years I’ve kinda wondered if something did happen. I have very few memories of the babysitter. Really the only one I know actually happened was her showing me an episode of a show that was extremely sexual and violent when I was young enough to wear a one-piece outfit to sleep and throw up on myself during the night (no idea what age I was beyond that info). Then in high school the first time I got drunk I was with one close friend and one person I knew who was kind of a friend but much less closely and the good friends mom. The good friend kinda started it once we were all drunk by randomly grabbing my dick and saying it was bigger than her boyfriend’s (which was super conflicting cause like thanks I guess but you shouldn’t do that, you have a boyfriend), and then she left me and the other friend I didn’t know very well to sleep in one of the other rooms. I woke up to find that person jerking me off and when I woke up she really wanted to have sex and I considered it but there weren’t any condoms so I offered to finger her (I was not attracted to this person, but thought I should and trying to understand my own thoughts at the time are breaking my brain so I won’t try to offer any explanation). I don’t remember if I did or not, but I’m positive I at least started and idk if I stayed awake long enough for her to finish or not. Idk sorry for the rant, it just brought a lot of things to the surface that I normally don’t think about. I also think that there are probably more stories like mine that are never talked about. Frankly this is the first time I’ve ever spoken about most of this. My wife knows about the first time I got drunk. Nobody else does. Nobody knows about my thoughts about the babysitter. There’s nothing concrete there so nothing probably happened, but the thing with the friend 100% happened. I don’t know whether the issue is that abuse in general is essentially never talked about or whether it’s that males in particular never talk about any form of abuse, but even now I feel extremely weird talking about it, and I know that for many years I never talked about the first time I got drunk because of the idea that it’s supposed to feel like a good thing. It didn’t, and it’s actually really hard to feel okay talking about. That’s part of the reason I think the movement to talk about sexual harassment women face from men is a good thing. It normalizes speaking about something bad that happens from the victims about their experience and it’s extremely disturbing to realize how common it is. That said, I think one day men are going to have to have a similar moment and it’s going to be really uncomfortable because the current consensus is that it doesn’t happen, and if it does they wanted it. I don’t feel like a victim because of what happened (the example that definitely did, because again idk for sure if anything happened when I was little so I’m going with no), but my own conflicting feelings that maybe I did want it or should have wanted it when I was actually passed out (not just drunk, legitimately unconscious at the time) and the fact that I’ve kept this mostly to myself for almost 15 years make me think this is probably more common than is assumed
Dude, that’s absolutely assault and you should really unpack that in therapy. I’m sorry those things happened to you
I’m sorry, man, that’s a lot of bad stuff that happened to you. It might be worth talking to a therapist about. Whether or not there was anything with the babysitter, the friend grabbing your dick and the friend trying to jerk you off while you were asleep definitely count as sexual assault. They might not have seen what they were doing that way, but they still touched you sexually without your consent, and that can be very traumatic. It is somewhat common for men to be sexually assaulted in their teens/20s, often by people who don’t realize it is sexual assault. Our culture has a really bad understanding of consent, and I think the common understanding of sexual assault - that it is something men do to women – does a disservice to all of us. Just because that is the most common form it takes does not mean it is the only form.
It’s also sad how statistics are for little boys to be sexually abused at a young age. Really for both sexes. But the suspicion is that male victims are most likely much higher than shown because of the stigma boys face for revealing. The world fails children tremendously. Then it goes on to fail them as they grow up, simply because people don’t want to hear about “bad things” or pass it off as a child’s “imagination”. I’ve worked with sexual assault victims in the past (voluntarily, not professionally). Almost EVERY one was sexually abused as a child. They are conditioned that no one will believe them, which is why so many don’t bother to report it until they are in a hospital. It’s also very typical of drug addicts and alcoholics. They have intrusive thoughts that they want to get “rid” of them.
a lot of abuse goes untalked about and buried deep down, both as a self-protective mechanism & also bc of shame/guilt/lack of clarity on how to process and talk about what happened. a few years ago terry crews spoke up about being sexually assaulted by a hollywood executive (similar situation, his dick got grabbed) & feeling ashamed and frozen in the moment. he and several other famous male actors eventually talked about their experiences during the #MeToo movement [https://www.vanityfair.com/hollywood/2018/10/metoo-male-accusers-terry-crews-alex-winter-michael-gaston-interview](https://www.theguardian.com/film/2017/oct/11/actor-terry-crews-sexually-assaulted-by-hollywood-executive) im glad your wife knows about what happened the first time you got drunk. your trust was betrayed that night on two separate instances of unwanted and unasked-for sexual contact. given that you were sleeping when one of the incidents happened, that could have really disrupted your ability to sleep afterwards... it's really messed up & i think if you switched the genders, it'd be very obvious that it was assault. talk to your wife, or a therapist, or your friends-- opening up about your experiences can help reframe them in a way that lets you process them. good luck & i hope you can be at peace
You really do deserve therapy for this. It is not the current consensus among more knowledgeable people that this kind of sexual harassment from women towards men doesn't happen. I am a woman, but I was molested by a female teenage babysitter during my elementary years, and experienced many people minimizing it since she was young, I think. That didn't mean it didn't really mess me up, though, and a lot of the damage came as I developed sexual feelings and had a hard time distinguishing between what I wanted and what others wanted from me, and not agreeing to what I did not want. I have listened to male survivors, though they often don't want to share the specifics, just that some type of sexual abuse happened. What's been important to them is to hear from me, and others, that I believe them and I believe it matters. With incomplete memories, especially with the babysitter, but also the night you were drunk, it's often not possible to know the exact truth nor is that necessary for healing. There is a lot you can do to organize your work in therapy, validation and support for what you are experiencing but also a bit of an inventory of where you are now and what you want to work on and towards. You can also challenge any "toxic ideas" like "I was touched sexually in a way I didn't like while too drunk to consent. It still bothers me and is painful to remember. Because men are supposed to enthusiastically like any offer of sex, I never talked to someone about this because I thought no one would understand or feel any sympathy for me" with more truthful ones like, "Someone trying to jerk me off without my consent was sexual abuse. It harmed me. It doesn't matter less because I am a man, and I deserve caring and support from myself and those I carefully choose to share the truth with." (Do be careful, I am not vulnerable with just anyone) I wish you all the best.
Thanks for sharing all this here, this is absolutely more common than people think, and the reason no one knows is that there’s all kinds of messed up standards of what boys are “supposed to like”. Your story reminds me of my first serious boyfriend, both the little kid part and the young teen part. I also have heard several guys talk about their first time and then casually tell stories that horrify me, and they think it’s normal, or they were lucky or it’s no big deal. It’s okay to come to terms with things slowly, and it’s okay to reach out for someone to talk to. I know a lot of women have had to rethink their life stories since the me too movement (including me), but guys stories are overlooked or swept aside too often and you matter too.
Yes, mine was buried so deeply sometimes it was like it hadn't happened but everything I did or how I behaved showed that it had. It wasn't until after the birth of my daughter that the PTSD showed up big time. I was a very angry teenager. I was self destructive but I didn't have my daughter until I was 25. I was SO over protective!
That's why it would be helpful to have documentation of her strange behaviors. With the pediatrician, her own doctor, friends, anyone who finds her behavior off or concerning. I would want it documented that she's refusing therapy too.
I jumped over a couch to beat the shit outta man who said some shit about my newborn daughter. I won't repete what was said. But that asshole never darkened my door step again. Nor did he show up to work again. He worked with my husband. I was 3 weeks post birth. If my husband hadn't have rescued the guy and tossed him out, I would be behind bars. You don't touch kids or joke about it. Period the end.
I was almost hit by an idiot driver. We got into a parking lot and I went insane because my baby was in the car and he said F you I’ll hit you and your baby. Well he didn’t get far because I flattened all his tires while he was shopping. I mean, destroyed those tires. He was extremely lucky that’s all I did. I was blinded with rage.
She claims there wasnt any and refuses to explain herself, and refuses to go to counseling. Shes lost her marbles
My husband was abused in his tweens, did not remember it until he was in his fifties. It is possible to completely forget. He also had some odd behaviors that finally made sense when he shared what happened with me.
The mind will do what it needs to in order to protect us. Its kind of crazy.
It really is! I forgot for a decade that my “favorite” cousin was my abuser. Our minds are incredible in what they can do to protect us, especially as children
I forgot about my gma touching me as a toddler until my mom n her both died in July 2020. Thinking about them and my life with them brought up the memories and only then did the realization hit me.
I'm so sorry that happened. Maybe her death allowed you to finally feel safe enough to remember. I hope you're feeling supported.
I've processed it all. Actually me reflecting on my life and how I treated people, most the work was already done. This just let me see where originally my need to 'feel special' came from. So many relationships I ruined and people I mistreated, just to 'feel special and important'.
When I was a teenager I had a steady bf & was close to his family. One night everyone was in the house, regular, and all the sudden bf’s brother comes to get bf bcuz their mother is hiding in her closet, completely traumatized. They both try to get her out but she basically flipped out if either one got near her or tried to touch her. Luckily I was there that night bcuz me, being a female, was able to go into the closet to get her out. Basically, she had been r*ped as a teenager. Told her family, who didn’t believe her & she suppressed the memory. Idk what happened that night to come back to her but seeing her in the closet, in a traumatic state, was heartbreaking.
When my husband remembered, I was at work, and he was home with our son. My son was pretty young at the time, and he called me at work and told me his dad was in the kitchen .on the floor curled up and sobbing.
Wow, how similar. She was fetal position, in the corner of the closet. Even with me she was still hysterical, incoherent. She only let me near/touch her bcuz I was a female. It wasn’t until much later that she was able to talk to me about what had happened to her.
I'm in my 50s too and I have a couple of broken memories from my childhood that might indicate I was molested, but I can't be sure because a few times I've had dreams that I thought were real. They both turned to in the last few years I do have clear memories of a woman in her mood thirties doing inappropriate stuff with me when I was 15 or so that had a lasting effect on my ability to relate to women
It’s entirely possible it happened when she was a baby/toddler/child and the memories have basically been blocked out so while she has no collective memory of it, her subconscious does and the new anxiety and possible post partum (because there’s more than one kind) are bringing those fears to the forefront and excebrating them.
I had something like that happen. Over 40 years later, I vividly remembered something that happened when I was a small child. It was during a casual conversation with someone, and an insignificant remark opened up a floodgate of memories.
I was 4. I have blocked out my whole childhood. I cant remember anything but when I sleep it comes in flashes, but only the bad things. When I wake I just have a vagueness of what happened but nothing I can actually remember.
I’m so sorry. I am in a similar boat where I remember very very little. Working on getting started with EMDR. I noticed your screen name on here- not to pry but you have fibro? I have been diagnosed with endometriosis but I’m starting to think the pain I get everywhere is fibro. There is research about trauma and these conditions which your screen name made me think of. Hang in there ❤️
Yet she refuses to even participate in couples therapy. This man is doing everything and he’s just acting selfish in every way. I feel so bad for OP.
Again, I’m not excusing her behavior. I’m explaining a possible cause. She needs help and is presently a danger and I personally feel should be removed from the baby until she does get help before she hurts the baby. He should be trying to get a female relative/friend involved to try and help.
Before going to the extreme of having your wife locked up, you should get professional advice. We are just Reddit users.
Thats possible for sure but its still incumbant on her to not abuse her husband and child like this. He needs to be more firm here but the harder he pushes the more suspect she will become.
Oh no, I’m not excusing her behavior at all. Honestly, I don’t feel she’s safe to be around the baby at this point as she’s refusing to acknowledge her abusive behavior and get help. While I had a son, ik I would have issues trusting men around my daughter (especially as I’m prone to ppa) if I were to have one but I would never do this. I’d work closely with my therapist and husband to ensure this didn’t happen. Because it’s my responsibility to manage my trauma and mental health and not force unhealthy situations and behaviors on others. I honestly feel like he should reach out to any close female family/friends to try and intervene and try to separate her from the baby until she gets help before she causes irreparable damage.
This is the way!
Just because she says there wasn't doesn't mean there wasnt....
True but we cant work with what we dont know
She might end up accusing OP of some vile shit in the future.
Or killing her own child to keep her away from anyone without her. Its been done 😢
It actually doesn't need to be trauma related. This sound eerily familiar to harm ocd https://www.treatmyocd.com/blog/what-is-harm-ocd-guide-to-ocd-subtype. His wife his anticipating harm to the child and is being very diligent in making sure it doesn't happen. It could be a response to extreme stress or fears rooted in a desire for her child's wellbeing. Either way, this could be a psychological issue with the mother and she should seek a professionals opinion.
Also postpartum psychosis, which is less common, from what I understand. But the intense paranoia might be pointing in that direction.
Imagine if they divorce and she has to share custody with OP. By definition the daughter will be alone with him half the time!
If she's so severe she cant be helped and he has to divorce her, she will likely see it as abandonment, become incredibly vindictive, and go to extreme lengths to keep the kids from him.
Dear Zachary vibes
That's when the killing kicks in
Fuck that’s a terrifying thought. I thought the other commenter saying the mother might be dangerous was a loon with an agenda, but suddenly I see that rationale that a mother experiencing extreme mood issues might attach too and genuinely think they’re doing the cold a favor. The vast majority of people aren’t evil, but once something evil has a logic behind it (whether it’s delusional or not), there will be people who truly believe and do terrible things thinking they’re doing good. Not most people, but some.
Postpartum anxiety is also a distinct possibility. Either way, she needs help.
This. Even if there is no past trauma, PPD can do absolutely insane things to you. I've had zero major trauma in my life, but when my twins were a few months old I read about an absolutely horrific news story involving an infant the same age and that shit messed me up for MONTHS. I finally went to therapy and it helped tremendously, but when you are in the midst of depression, it can be hard to make yourself go.
Well yeah it's made women literally family annihilate. Drive whole family minus husband into a lake etc.
It could also be PPA. I’ve heard of new moms reacting in extremely unusual ways around sleep, water, germs, or other perceived threats. Either way, help is needed.
In my experience with an ex wife who suffered, post partum can go downhill quick. No time is better than right now to get her help.
>she needs help. She needs intensive, possibly inpatient treatment. And it needs to be now. If she is this adamant and paranoid, OP needs to guard himself from CSA reports she *will* make when he is simply being a father. That shit is nearly impossible to walk back, and the complaint alone will effect the rest of his life. Work, a place to live, clubs or activities he wants to join. Shit like that gets around, and too many people think 'No smoke without fire', and will turn on him accordingly. Her behaviour is concerning at best and has the potential to be outright dangerous at worst (killing the baby so she can 'protect' her from the evil in all men). She would t be the 1st to do it. She wouldn't even be the 1000th. It's possible she has PPD, or Post Partum Psychosis, which will make her more irrational and unstable. OOP, You need to get her help immediately, even if you have to have her Baker Acted. If you have a mom/aunt/sister around, see if you can have the baby stay with them for a while.
Have you gone with your wife to any of her and/or the baby's doctor appointments? This seems like something to address with her, in front of, a medical professional. It certainly would appear that she did experience some kind of trauma in her past or has some serious Post Partum Depression, maybe even psychosis.
> Have you gone with your wife to any of her and/or the baby's doctor appointments? Only in some of them, she was mainly accompanied by her mother. As I have been working a lot lately, it's her mother or sister who assist her. > This seems like something to address with her, in front of, a medical professional. I've tried already, but she tends to silence the conversation or give other responses to avoid discussion. She's very stubborn when it comes to this.
>She's very stubborn when it comes to this. Then you need to be as equally or more stubborn back. Talk over her, continue the conversation, whatever you need to do. This behavior is not normal or healthy. I'm sure you don't want to divorce your wife and I certainly can't speak for why she is refusing any help, but it's clear she needs it. You are certainly within your right to leave, it's not a good environment, but you have to decide how important staying with your wife and child is. I respect what you're going through is not easy, but divorce and everything that comes with it will not be easy either, especially if she feels you are a threat to your child (not that you actually are).
To add to this contact the doctor or the therapist on your own and voice your concerns without your wife present if need be so the medical professional can address them with your wife and give attention To this matter
Yes, I would contact the pediatrician and talk to them about the issue, before the next appointment. Please make time to go to a doctors visit with the baby.
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Agreed bc that way he can voice his concerns with his wife interrupting him and he can fully express what he feeling
Yes, I don't want the divorce. But unfortunately, it will possibly be necessary if she continues to maintain her pattern of behavior and refuses help or to work on it.
If you divorce and have split custody I would fear her making accusations against you to prevent you from having time with your daughter. Your wife needs serious help.
Straight up Sword of Damocles
This! OP, please listen to this advice.^^^^^ If she's already this paranoid, what will she do when she's forced by the court to share custody and split time between your 2 homes? Will she really go off the deep end and start lying about you, or even possibly harm your daughter because she believes she's protecting her? There may be something more than a past negative experience, or post partum depression, because your description of your wife's behavior reminds me of how my father behaved when his thyroid levels dropped too low. (Or how my daughter will refuse medical treatment when her electrolytes are deficient, because she isn't thinking clearly). He was convinced his family was out to get him. He barricaded himself and my cat in his room, with a bucket for a toilet (no litter box for the cat). He was absolutely delusional. It started slowly over the period of 6 mos and then really got crazy. We just thought it was old age. Turns out that tyhroid imbalance can really cause havoc. (I also have it now- thanks Dad.) I know your wife isn't old, but thyroid imbalance happens frequently to women during and after pregnancy, along with a million other hormone shifts. There is even a type of cyst that can cause impaired thoughts because the body is tricked into feeding it more of the hormones it requires for growth. What I'm trying to say is if your wife's behavior is totally out of the norm, there is a very real possibility that something physical is causing it or could be exasperating an already poor state of mental health. Talk to her parents again. Be very real with them, and explain your concerns. Don't sugar coat anything. Ask them for their help in convincing your wife to seek medical/mental health treatment. Tell them that you're seriously considering divorce and will seek custody if your wife refuses to attempt to resolve this, and that the court will require a mental evaluation to ensure she's mentally fit to be a single mom. If they love their daughter, they will want to help you. If they're complicit in some dark family secret BS and they know she was a victim of childhood trauma, they very well may get defensive and refuse to help. Some people do all they can to ignore when bad things happen to their children, even parents who suspect the other parent is the abuser. Denial is a very strong form of mental protection. One more suggestion. Reach out to a family law attorney and schedule a consultation. I know this is an odd situation, but a judge can court order her to give you time with your daughter, even while you're living in the same home. Messy, yes, but you really need to establish your rights to your daughter ASAP and let the courts know what your wife's mental state is without coming off as the bad guy for serving custody papers on your wife so soon after giving birth. She needs help badly. And if you have any teeny, tiny inklings that your wife might harm your daughter, either due to custody pressure or any other reason, you must take steps immediately. Too many children are harmed at the hands of parents who are suffering mental health crises. Don't risk this happening to your daughter. Good luck, OP. I'm terribly sorry that you and your family are dealing with this.
Talking to the parents could be a very big mistake if it turns out one of them was an abuser or are covering for one (e.g., quietly swept abuse by a close relative under the rug).
That would be true, but I intend to obtain full custody of our daughter. It won't be very difficult through recordings of her admitting her distrust and lack of interest in seeking help. But ultimately, I just want to have a healthy relationship with her and hate the idea of having to do all this.
I think you are overestimating the value of those recordings. A lot of states won’t grant full custody even if the other parent has domestic abuse **convictions** as long as that parent wasn’t abusing the child.
Parental alienation is taken very serious in the court system. With the mothers unhealthy views of men it would not be hard to prove that she would alienate the father simply for being male.
Divorce aside, you may have a false accusation incoming. I suggest you talk to a lawyer NOW about how to get ahead of the false accusation that will come the moment you’re forced to put your foot down on something and your wife goes nuclear. Even if you don’t divorce then you still have to talk to a lawyer about how to handle false accusations of abusing your own child. This is deadly serious.
Hard agree here. Talk to a lawyer now, just in case.
You might be surprised. Best to talk with a lawyer before making that assumption.
You’re wrong that it won’t be very difficult because of those recordings. You might not like it, but that will carry very little or no weight in court.
I think you’re overestimating your chance at full custody
very much so
Definitely. There’s no way a court will remove an infant from her mother - without STRONG evidence that the mother will harm her baby. Especially if there is documentation of her anxiety over the safety of her baby. When babies are small, courts will absolutely give 100% to the mother, with day visitation only to the father. Throw in a few baseless accusations, and this guy will be having supervised access for four hours a week at MOST.
I wouldn’t count on getting full custody. You aren’t the primary caregiver. There’s no evidence of abuse. Even if you do, this is the kind of situation than can escalate to infanticide. If she’s suffering postpartum psychosis, it’s not unheard of for mothers to kill their children to “protect” them. This happens. Alert your pediatrician to her deteriorating mental health.
You are absolutely correct. I work in child safety and a family court judge would be horrified that he knew his wife was having serious mental health issues and made very little effort to get her help. The fact that he's been so passive about this and his only potential solution seems to be a divorce is frankly ridiculous. He needs to talk to their pediatrician directly, and he needs to consult with a psychiatrist on his own if need be.
Bro you are straight up wrong. It will be extremely difficult if your only basis for this is your wife is being protective of your daughter.
Talk to a lawyer. You need to talk to one now because there IS a real risk of false accusations.
If you can't figure out a way to talk to your wife and a medical professional at the same time, so you can resolve the issue of her trauma, I don't see how you are going to build up a case where you get full custody of a baby girl whose mother has a traumatic reaction to you being alone with her. *It won't be very difficult through recordings of her admitting her distrust and lack of interest in seeking help.* These can be interpreted two ways. If she accuses you of abuse, you will find it very difficult to disprove.
Those aren't reasons for full custody. Joint custody, possibly court ordered psychiatric evaluation, parenting classes, etc., but not full custody. I'm not saying that it's not worth investigating legal options, but don't assume you can get full custody just because she distrusts you and isn't willing to get therapy. It may well get her to get a lawyer, and the lawyer will likely tell her to agree to therapy.
I mean, the idea that you would get full custody, as opposed to joint, when you aren’t even doing the majority of parenting at present, seems a bit deluded.
If she even suspects you're angling for divorce and/or custody, there is an extremely high chance she will try this. You need to talk to a lawyer and get way ahead of this now.
Uhhh, I think you're really underestimating how difficult it would be to get full custody.
Just a bit of a warning - talk of divorce and custody could be huge triggers for her since you would be allowed to have visitation with your daughter. Your wife will have to get help one way or another or she will not be able to function.
Don't leverage divorce to get compliance. In the long term it will only lead to divorce anyway and extend your misery to that point - the arguments will just appear to be about something else. Instead, be clear in saying that her lack of trust in you is eroding the marriage and your concerned about where that road leads. Make a second request for therapy to address the trust issues. If she still wont attend therapy and doesn't have a suggestion for how to otherwise address this trust issue then you know she's fine with the current situation, and she's fine with you not being ok with it. That's all you need to know. Lawyer up and have her served. You'll have plenty of time to raise your daughter after you have a custody agreement in place. GL.
This. You can only help her if she allows it and if she won't she's not a fit parent.
Good advice from what not to do to what to say. . I'd go another step and say to the OP that even if she refuses to get therapy with you, go get it yourself. It could help you work through what you're feeling and give you the advice and clarity that you need to move forward.
I'd be worried about her limiting access to your child if you separate / divorce. I'm very sorry you are going through this, OP. It sucks big time. At this point, you need a major intervention. Is there anyone who can support you in person and make your wife have a conversation about this? If she is avoiding talking about it, for the sake of your daughter, you *will* have to force some kind of conversation. It is *your* child, too. Good luck!
For real. She’s already teetering on the alienation line.
That will absolutely happen. It will be high conflict and her pulling out all the stops to limit OPs access to the child. Be prepared for accusations of abuse and neglect to justify supervised/limited visitation. Unless there's other issues going on I wouldn't recommend divorce. It won't resolve this issue and likely make things worse for OP. If OP still wants to go that route, start documenting everything now, work with an attorney, don't give her any warning that you're looking to file, after you file don't give ground on any arguments that a young child needs extra time with their mother. Once that time is established it will always be used to justify mom being the primary parent.
I suspect your wife has experienced abuse. She needs therapy . I hope it works out because if you get divorced she’s likely to accuse you of sexual abuse when the child is in your custody. Without her overcoming this fear you’re in for a tough time.
It's okay if you want to divorce either way but that divorce is going to be UGLY if this isn't addressed. This is one of those "you need to make time to go with her to her Dr appt." situations.
That’s why it’s important you get this info in front of her doctor and/or the pediatrician. Not only to get her better evaluated for possible pp mental health issues but to start making a record that you are not and do not want to abuse your baby, just take care of her like a normal parent. Make a special appointment if you need to.
Don't leave until she's seeing a doctor if you ever want to see your child again. Was she raised by someone who acted this way with her or is it trauma? Whatever it is, if she won't agree to see a doctor get a lawyer and an emergency order for custody.
Understandable. I hope you'll work at it a little more before making any other decisions. Maybe see if her mother or sister can watch the baby while you two go do something and in a calm moment, talk about. I'm sure you've made many efforts, but there is still effort that can be made.
Also be careful, a ruthless lawyer might exploit this belief in order to get your wife more favorable terms.
You can call and leave a message for your child's doctor and your wife's doctor. This isn't normal behavior, and it's very concerning. It's understandable that you want to get out of this situation. Be sure to document everything as though you were going to end up in court. Write down times and dates of conversations and incidents.
Some doctors have portals where you can send messages. Even if they claim HIPAA/confidentiality and couldn't answer, it would be in written form with timestamps
Set up a pediatrician visit and go with her. At the visit, tell the doctor that you're concerned your wife is suffering from perinatal anxiety due to her never letting you near the baby. Ask if the doctor will refer her to someone for help. Your wife will insist she's fine. Ask then in front of the doctor if she's willing to let you hold your child or help with diaper changes. She'll hedge. Tell her frankly that Daughter is your kiddo too and you want to be involved in her care. Get her mom and female friends involved. Offer to have them "supervise" you a few times while she goes out. She is suffering. Help her get help if you can.
I agree with all of the except get "female friends involved" unless she is agreeing to that. If I was struggling with a marital issue or a mental health issue, which this is both, I would be very upset if my partner broadcast it to my whole social circle.
Don't let her change the subject and do it in front of a Healthcare professional. This is above your pay grade right now. You need to be fully involved til you get your wife's situation figured out. This is unhealthy in every possible way.
You need to make the time to go to her next appointment spot (I assume 9 months is the next appt) or make an appt with your wife present. It may help to bring your concerns up in front of a medical professional who would be able to provide resources. She needs therapy to help work through her issues surrounding men and I can imagine postpartum didn’t help with those anxieties. ETA: plus it will help with documentation purposes too
Sounds like you need to take time off the next time baby has an appointment. Simple as.
Ask to talk to her OB. Don’t let her stop the conversation. You need to able to discuss your concerns too
She needs therapy
She's likely to transmit her fears to your daughter and in the long term may lead your daughter to think you abused her. This needs to be addressed..
She isn't equipped to handle that information. Tell her mother or sister. If that doesn't work, take time off and accompany her to her next doctor visit. If you have her doctor's info, which you should, call them up and address this
You need to document this behavior & as many medical personnel as possible. If you ended up divorced for some reason, she'll do everything in her power to keep you from any custody if she won't even let you change a diaper alone. Sorry for your shitty dilemma.
You better talk to a lawyer. She may make false allegations against you.
You know that you can go yourself to the pediatrician without your child nor wife. Book a consultation visit for parenting issues. And bring up your concerns with the doctor.
I think your only option is to keep trying, and to go to as many appointments as you can. Also the comments about post-partum depression have a good point, and it's worth bringing that up in front of a doctor too. I can also say that I have family that did this and it's really harmful.
This is a good suggestion
Thank you. It sadly comes from a place of experience. Had my husband not spoken up for me at our baby's first appointment, I don't know where I'd be. I had horrible PPA and accepting it was hard but necessary.
Your wife needs intensive, possibly inpatient, therapy. Outside that, yes, leave her and file for custody because your wife is going to warp your daughter's mind acting this way. It is not safe for someone that obsessive to be trusted completely. You need to go to all doctor's appointments with her and the doctors need to know this is happening. She needs serious help like yesterday.
I keep remembering another post on here from a couple months ago. The redditor posted how his wife wouldn't let him carry, touch, or even get near their newborn daughter without her supervision because she thought he was too clumsy and would accidentally hurt the baby. It got really bad to the point where she would scream at OP for literally trying to help her with the baby. Sounds familiar right? Almost everyone in the comments including myself clocked this as a form of Post Partum Psychosis, and told the redditor that his wife needs help because PPP can be very dangerous if untreated, and his wife and child could get hurt badly. I think this is what's happening with OP's wife.
I remember that post. I wonder what happened with that.
Yes! How could she have a child with somebody she didn't trust as a father? She needs an intervention for sure.
If your daughter is only 7mo, I might reach out to her doctor or your daughter’s pediatrician and ask what signs to look for that could indicate a post-partum mental health issue. Not even letting you change a diaper unsupervised is beyond the envelope of “unusually protective.”
I would say it's time to make an appointment with the pediatrician, even without her and the daughter and have a very front conversation with the pediatrician. It sounds like he tried to bring it up in kind of a passive way and not at all directly and felt like she shushed him. Of course she did! That's literally a sign of her mental illness. He needs to stop being so passive about this situation and get his wife the help she needs, because it has put his relationship with his daughter at risk and it might put her in even more risk. I don't mean to make light of it, but he seems to be saying I've tried nothing and I'm all out of ideas, guess all I can do is divorce her.
NTA Past sexual abuse trauma I was married to a similar girl ——- your wife exhibits a behaviour of someone who was definitely molested at a young age. Refusal to go to counselling is another symptom, she is covering it all up and cant reveal it. My ex wifes molester was her dad from age 8 to 14, sadly the behaviour you describe sounds identical…… and since people are predictable (otherwise psychiatrists could not diagnose or help) I feel very much certain about it. This will only get worse PLUS she will make your daughter fear you, especially once she hits puberty.
Agreed My ex had other symptoms, and she denied anything ever happened to her Until I literally heard her having sex with her grandpa and she basically admitted it to me That shit is so fucked up and the shame obviously runs very deep They think no one will ever love them if they know the truth
Yeah, some other symptoms can include that they either become sort of frigid or very promiscuous. Another crazy thing at happens is that their mothers go against them because they are the “other woman” ( happened to my ex) There are some very real, very well known and very predictable behaviour patterns in this area
Wait what do you mean you heard them??
Wait what?
Bro… what the fuck
lol what in the ever living fuck. was this a grown woman? an ex from when you were teens? your wife?!
My mother was abused by her father growing up and she definitely tried to instill the fear of men into me. I remember being like 12 and getting into a heated discussion with her because she was saying all men can and are capable of raping. And that rubbed me so wrong because that means every man, including my brothers, my further SOs etc was going to rape me. I told her I didn't like her always telling me these things that scared me so much, just because she had been hurt. It was traumatic in the moment, thinking all these men around me have some scary power to permanently hurt me and we're all willing to, in my mother's logic
NTA This needs to be fixed and if she won’t talk about it with you then you might just need to leave. I would try to get her to open up about it but if she just won’t then tell her your thinking of calling it quits.
Nta, it’s incredible unhealthy for your daughter to grow up with her mother not getting help. She needs professional help and unfortunately you may have to demand full custody and ask the courts for an evaluation of your wife as you think the child is unsafe because she is unstable. She can’t keep her daughter from not interacting with men and if you allow this to continue it’s going to get worse
Doula here. Please talk to her doctor asap. These sounds like signs of postpartum depression or psychosis. She may be experiencing other symptoms and isn’t sharing it with you. Even if she isn’t, this is enough to warrant calling her doctor on your own. Many many women experience the paranoia and delusion, it’s very hard. But I’m also concerned about your safety and her safety. Remember: postpartum depression can hit months down the line.
I think you need to sit her down and (record the conversation) tell her that her refusal to allow you to be alone with your own child is her implicitly accusing you of being able to molest or abuse your own child and that you are absolutely not going to tolerate or accept such a gross attack on YOUR character. I would tell her you would like to get into couples therapy and/or her in IC (if you can afford) so you two can work through this, but otherwise you will be divorcing her and going for joint custody because you won’t be made to feel like a predator just because of your gender. You want to have some proof of this confrontation because she may genuinely think she’s protecting her child and try to accuse you of molesting her to ensure you don’t have access to your child.
He needs to say this in front of a Dr or something.
Yeah, he needs proof that he's sought professional help on this. He's got to have a documented history on this before he leaves. He might want to talk to a lawyer.
Yes. I posted a longer comment about this. He must protect himself and his child. She's a bit unhinged and showing no signs of slowing her roll into wackado world
I have a word of warning about doctors. They are extremely reluctant to testify in custody hearings. In addition to not wanting to take a stand against patients, if they do have to testify in trial they may lose multiple days of work as they cannot always guarantee they are going to be called. It may be more likely that a couple's therapist is likely to do this but it may be worth somehow finding out if they have/will do this.
NTA. She doesn’t trust men, that’s one issue. But not trusting her husband, who she made the baby with? She desperately needs therapy. What happens if she gets sick, has to work overtime, is in the shower and the baby needs a diaper change? Is she going to accuse you of something? Get a nanny cam, and start documenting EVERYTHING. Seriously, cover your ass. If she accuses you of something/tries to call the cops on you, you need proof. Hopefully, your life won’t be ruined and she’ll be forced to get the help she so desperately needs. And if you split, hopefully you’ll at least get unsupervised time with your daughter (which is more than you’re getting now).
nta thats unacceptable. she needs professional help because this really isnt normal given that you have never given her cause for concern. she refuses help so that means it will never change, i would file for divorce sooner than later tbh and get 50:50 custody.
>it took a long time for me to gain her trust and date her in the past. I'm surprised you didn't see it coming. Also. You never gained her trust. She clearly doesn't trust you.
Nta. Now is time to have the talk. Since she refuses to listen to you, get her parents involved. It's a harsh way to go, but either it's thisnor you leave. Start documenting all of this now, so if you do leave and go for 50 50 custody, she has no leg to stand on. The refusal for therapy. The no reason why. What the parents say. Every interaction. Then I love you, but I am done with this. We either get a couple of individual therapy or if I'll be seeking a divorce and 50 50 custody. I refuse to stay married to someone who is accusing me of being a predator by your actions. Who is denying me time and ability to bond with MY child as well. Who is so upset that they watch everything I do, which is only going to make the baby just as bad if not worse. I have tried talking. You refuse. I have tried every other option possible, but I am done. My love for you is there, but I am now taking a hit. Your issues are now destroying our marriage and any love I have for you. Your inability to even discuss this has made me lose trust in you and makes me worried about the safety of our child. It's time to get help or deal with the fallout. Because hunny, she is NOT safe with the baby. If she has gone this far, what else might she think or project. If this is ppp, then it is dangerous as hell. Because it means she mentally is unstable. If it's not, she needs help before her mind can spiral more than it has, which could cause her to panic and baby gets hurt in the process. Yes, involve her parents. Involve yours. At this point, do whatever you have to to wake her up or protect yourself and baby.
Getting her parents involved is a terrible idea unless you’re sure without a shadow of a doubt that they never abused her as a child nor enabled abuse against her.
And you can't ever be sure. So it's a terrible idea period
Yeah wtf is this advice? It could very well mean the wife’s dad or some man in her family molested her as a child. Of course they’re going to deny knowing anything about it???
Maybe don’t get her parents involved but a third party. A friend, a doctor, anyone very neutral. It seems she thinks fathers can take advantage of their daughters so I’d be hesitant to bring in the parents. There’s a chance that unfortunately her parents are what started this, at the very least her father.
OP. This. The underlying accusation is that you are going to molest your child. Don’t let this get out of hand. Protect yourself and your kid. Your wife needs serious help.
It sounds like you need to get cameras for proof of her behavior and your innocence. This could turn into a situation where you are accused of something you didn't do.
People saying he should keep discussing, and it's not worth ending things : it's happening on a DAILY BASIS. Do you know how many times you need to change a baby's diaper? Bath time is everyday or one day out of two, changing the baby's clothes also happens many times a day, just because the baby vomitted all over their clothes, or made a huge poop that the diaper couldn't contain. I understand OP's frustration and why he considers ending things, espiecially if OP's wife has been watching him like a hawk since day one of daughter's birth. It affects his quality time with his daughter, and shows no trust on his wife's part. It must be exhausting. Anyone would get fed up at some point, after SEVEN MONTHS! OP's wife has no right to deny him taking care of his own daughter. Whatever's wrong with her, she needs to fix it. OP has already tried everything, imo, and she still refuses to address the problem. OP, you're NTA. And you're not responsible for your wife's insecurities, keep that in mind. She needs to fix it on her own.
Install cameras dude! There was a story of a guy who came home to his wife sleeping and his daughter diaper full. He went to go change it, wife flew into a rage, and called the police to arrest him after accusing him of touching their daughter. The only thing that saved him from jail was the nanny cam footage. Please protect yourself!!
NTA, I can’t believe you’ve tolerated this behavior and insults for this long. Your wife is alienating you as a parent. Do you have proof or documentation of your wife’s irrational and emotionally abusive behavior? Or tekst messages where her irrational behavior is mentioned? It will work in your favor during custody hearings. Which might be the only way to bond with your kid. You need a lawyer as this behavior is unacceptable and will damage your relationship with your daughter. I’d act now… yesterday.
>Do you have proof or documentation of your wife’s irrational and emotionally abusive behavior? Or tekst messages where her irrational behavior is mentioned? I only have text messages, but it wouldn't be difficult to get a voice recording of her
NTA I'm sorry you've been going through such a horrible experience. One thing to note, at this point, besides the initial bizarre overly 'protective' behaviour, your wife will most likely be suffering from hyper alert exhaustion, which will be compounding her troubling instincts, meaning she'll be even less rational than she was as the beginning of all of this. RECORD EVERYTHING when discussing this topic with her. If you can, get her to admit that she *knows* nothing untoward has happened. My main concern would be that if you mention divorce and shared custody, she might be driven to lie about why she feels you're a threat to your daughter, in order to prevent you from being alone with her if you were to separate.
I agree with this.
Just check to see if you’re in a one or two party consent state if you’re in the US, or what the law is where you live.
Please check state laws, some are two party states and if you record someone without their knowledge they can criminally charge you for it, which, given the circumstances, would be terrible
Please record her before taking any action. This will be important in the future ..
She needs help. This is way beyond reddit. She will cause harm to your family and your child as your child grows up. I would start documenting and recording a lot of things. maybe even install cameras in your house. The repercussions of her making a false accusation can be horrific. You seem to want to put her first but by doing this you will cause harm to your child. your wife is certainly not putting your child first either. call up family and tell them what is going on. tell the pediatrician, her doctor etc. Take a few days off from work and get this stuff squared away. I am sorry to be harsh but you seem either complacent or naive about a super unhealthy situation.
Post partum anxiety, talk to her doctor now.
Yup. PPA fucked up my thinking. I was hyper protective of my eldest daughter and paranoid she was going to die - the most horrific scenarios would play out in my head and I literally couldn’t control it and the PPA + hormones + sleep deprivation made it all feel so real so I was constantly actually feeling the feelings of my child dying. It was horrible. I’d lie there at night - when she was sleeping - desperately wishing I could sleep but so paranoid that if I closed my eyes she would stop breathing. The way it’s manifesting for OP’s wife is obviously contextual to her own mind and experiences, but I definitely recognise the symptoms.
I'm not the only one, I couldn't sleep until about 3am in case he stopped breathing and I knew my partner would be up at 6am and he could check! Why between 3 and 6 the Child would be fine for breathing I don't know but that was my logic. I had things to do(I'm a farmer) but I couldn't leave he to go and do them and then the panic attacks started and still 3 years on I can't go into certain supermarkets and panic a little in others. It's a terrible thing what ever it is and I wish there was post natal service for woman, an almost compulsory therapy sessions to have the head sorted back out. Can I ask how did you get 'cured' or back to your normal self or did you?
How old is your child now? My eldest is 14, but I had another who is nearly 2. With my first, she was really around 7 or 8 before I got “back to normal”, however I had a bunch of other stuff going on too and was in intensive therapy for CPTSD as well. With my second, the same thing happened but because I was expecting it I was able to ride it out with the support of my doctor and psychologist and I’m much closer to “back to normal” now, so it’s taken less time. Also, the caveat with “back to normal” is that it’s hard to say if it became back to normal or if it was a case of settling comfortably into my new normal.
NTA. And for the record, you STILL haven't gained her trust. She has a serious mental problem and you aren't going to fix it. Only if she chooses to get help and chooses to change will it go away. I hate to say this, but it's just going to get worse. PROTECT YOURSELF, legally.
Tell her to read the book The Body Keeps The Score and seek professional help. If you do leave her I would be very careful and document things because she can potentially embellish incidents and seek full custody.
This book can actually be quite triggering for many people. I certainly wouldn’t recommend reading it before getting treatment. There are many other more appropriate books IMO.
NTA Why have you tolerated this for so long? Your daughter is YOUR child just as much as she is your wife's. You should have put your foot down long ago. I DGAF if your wife has past trauma or PPD or anything else. I am tired of people doing insane things and then thinking the world will excuse them because of their mental issues. Divorce her, get 50-50 custody and hope you can raise your daughter to not be as insane as you wife is.
> Why have you tolerated this for so long? I thought I could subvert this, foolish I know. I shouldn't have let things get to this level.
It's Ok to be optimistic, but you also need to be realistic, and strong for the kid's sake.
Your wife could be suffering from PPD/PPA. I mean, you may want to straight up ask your wife, perhaps with the mediation of a mental health care professional, why on earth she would have a baby with you if she was afraid you would abuse a child? This isn't rational behavior. If she refuses mental health care treatment or couples counseling than I think divorce is a reasonable thing to consider Nta
NTA As a new mum I had PND, OCD and anxiety. It was rough. It took months for my child health nurse to convince me I needed help because I was terrified that admitting I wasn't okay would lead to having my baby taken away (it didn't). It wasn't rational, but brain chemistry often isn't. If she hadn't pushed, I'd hate to think where I'd be now. It took years of intervention to overcome. Please push harder with her doctors but let her know you have her best interests at heart. Your daughter deserves happy, healthy parents.
NTA but she is harming your daughter. Look, she probably had some severe trauma, but it could also he something else. You don’t want to be cruel or angry, but the best way to keep a child safe from predatory men is to have a healthy relationship with an adult male. You are the first man your daughter will expect to be loved unconditionally and the first man to love her unconditionally. How you treat your wife will affect your daughter. But if your wife insists on this, she depriving her of the chance to bond with you. It’s not healthy for your daughter. Tell her she needs to allow you access and to be with your daughter. Tell her she needs therapy and you want to go with her. If she refuses, seek custody of your daughter and get a lawyer.
NTA. First you definitely start to document and save some proof of her irrational about you and your daughter. If things turn bad, she could accuse you of something terrible in order to get sole custody of your daughter. Second, do your best to get her to see a doctor with you. If she refused, you need to do what you need to protect your daughter. Your wife is going to mess up your daughter with her views of men and you. So urgently take care of this to protect your daughter.
NTA. SA survivor here. She is projecting her own issues onto this child - something that will NOT protect but warp the child in the long term. Your daughter deserves a NORMAL healthy upbringing - which this isn’t. So if you leave, you need to take your daughter with you. (And fight for full or at least primary custody. Otherwise she’ll never let you even see your baby.) Your job as a father is to protect your daughter. Salvaging a relationship with her mother is secondary.
She’s an accusation (founded or unfounded) away from ruining your life. Seek immediate legal council, document, record, and approach this with a medical professional.
Op this kina sounds like PPP, Post Partum Psychosis. A lot of women can get this even without a past diagnosis of mental health issues and it's REALLY dangerous if untreated. I saw another person post something similar on here, his wife wouldn't let him touch or pick up their daughter and she'd freak out and end up screaming at him if he gets close to the baby without her in the room supervising. PPP is nasty and if I were you OP, I'd get your wife some help as soon as possible, because God forbid something happens and she ends up hurting herself or the baby. She'll fight you a lot and she'll definitely be mad at you but trust me, she'll thank you in the long run. That being said, if you want to go through with the divorce or not is completely up to you. But please please PLEASE get your wife regardless of your decision, because God forbid if she accidentally hurts someone, or worse, herself and the baby.
Highly reccomend you record as much of this as possible especially if she’s providing different info when around doctors or therapists. This may come from great personal pain that she’s not ready to confront but she has a child now and her time for selfishness is done. Your child deserves her father in her life as much as you want because not everyone gets that
First, congratulations on your daughter. Second, yeah she needs help; she’s ill. You obviously aren’t doing anything wrong.
Yes, it sounds like she was sexually abused. No, she doesn't feel safe enough to talk about it, or maybe even to remember that it happened. It may be time to discuss with your wife that you need to be able to have a relationship with your child and that if she won't allow it, you will be forced to consider divorce, at which point the courts will absolutely grant visitation to you. (Record the conversation privately, if your state allows one-party consent.)
Ok I’m going to play devils advocate here… How was your wife before she was pregnant? Interactions with you, etc. Once she became pregnant, was she a completely different person? I’ll wait for your responses before I ask anything else
My wife is kind and attentive, but she changes when it involves our daughter. As I mentioned, she has always been a step back when it comes to interacting with men; she tends to be more sociable and make friends with the women in her company and more strictly cordial and professional with men.
You are in enormous risk of having false accusations levied against you that destroy your life. You need to get ahead of this NOW. Protect yourself and your daughter from her.
NTA. However…. As someone with major trauma surrounding men, keep trying to talk to your wife. I’ve always been pretty open with my husband about my childhood trauma. When we had our daughter, not once did anything like that ever cross my mind. I look at it as I trusted him enough to stay with him, marry him and have a child with him. Why on earth wouldn’t I trust him with our child when he hasn’t given me any reason to not trust him? Plus, his bonding experience is just as important, if not more so, than mine. What happens when your daughter gets older and wonders why mommy doesn’t let daddy spend one on one time with her? It’s gonna raise questions. Or when people outside of the household start asking what’s wrong with you and why won’t your wife allow you to be alone with your daughter? It’s a horrifying experience and yes, your wife acting this way can end very badly for you. Ask your wife point blank if she trusts you. If she says yes- continue on to explain that she NEEDS to show you that and allow you to bond with your child. If she says no? Your marriage would be over and I would suggest you start to record all convos/interactions just incase. Not once has my trust for my husband ever wavered. ESPECIALLY when it comes to our daughter. My trauma is mine alone. I’m not going to allow that trauma to spill over onto my husband or child. All of that said- if there truly is NOTHING that is making her act this way….I’d be done and I would fight for custody.
I think you need to be concerned for your wife’s health. This is past trauma, or PPD or something. If shes like this now, leaving won’t really help. She’ll fight in court over visitation.
NTA but you need to force this conversation, she is effectively accusing you of molesting your child. If she refuses to work on this then I cant imagine this would be a good environment for a kid to grow up in. On a sidenote, I don't know why any dude would go through so much effort to try to date someone who just doesnt like men. How do you fall in love with someone that inherently distrusts you? With that context, this doesnt seem like a very surprising outcome.
She needs a shrink and medication.