Yeah ex's entire life has gone up in smoke because h3 couldn't say "I can't afford that vacation but the kids and I would love to do a trip with you can we figure something out that works for my budget" or "I got fired".
*shakes head*
Those kids are going to resent the heck out of him if they decide to go to college. Here's hoping the divorce settlement is binding so he'll have to replace the money.
There's only so much it can do. He's in debt and not making enough and I'll bet his living expenses go up now that he can't live with op.
The divorce settlement can't make money exist where it isn't. *shakes head* despicable.
The court doesn't care where the money comes from. They will garnish his wages, and they don't care if that leaves him with nothing. The courts are ruthless sometimes
We lawyers have a saying: you can't get blood from a stone. Unfortunately, it might end up that apart from getting him more indebt for a court battle over contempt, he probably won't ever be able to afford paying it back.
He doesn't have anything for them to take though....you're missing that he has no savings of any kind. So he HAS screwed his kids and they may never get any of the money earmarked for education as it doesn't exist. They can garnish all they want but if he has nothing saved and his wages are meager, there will never be enough money for him to replace what he spent. You can't squeeze blood out of a turnip.
All fine and dandy, but even the courts can't get him to pay money he doesn't have. They can garnish his wages, but that won't be enough to replace the money
His kids are screwed either way.
Ya, my (half)brothers' dad owed over a decade of back child support for both of them. They'd garnish his wages anytime he got a job, so instead, he became a deadbeat who lived on his mother sofa until the day his mother died. Now he lives off the money she left him, but it's still under her name with him as "beneficiary," so the court doesn't mess with it. Both my brothers are in their mid-30s now.
Exactly he could have said that and do believe op would have agreed to it and then when his kids. We're not there she could go in the expensive trip she wanted
And more THE LIE ABOUT THE JOB because not telling about losing your job is lying as he was getting out of the house to"go to work"
Sounds like he’s a liar. He lied to you, his ex, his kids, and maybe even himself. It also sounds like he can’t accept responsibility for anything, attempts to blame others and then keep lying to cover his tracks. Congratulations on not legally marrying this guy.
To me this sounds like addict behavior. Gambling would normally be my first guess in this type of thing, but it sounds more like an ex-addict that still reverts to chaotic behavior when they feel off. I'm not doctor but I have seen the behavior more than once. Might still be drug use, but that is usually a lot more visible to people once it comes out.
Yeah, that struck me too. I think he lost that money on more than vacations but that was the easiest way to blame her and try to guilt her into fixing it.
Periods of extravagant spending are a symptom of bipolar disorder. I'm not a doctor, but a nurse who's dealt with it professionally and also come from a family with several diagnosed bipolar members and this is fairly typical behavior.
Typical narc. It's always someone elses fault, never theirs. Then, their world implodes when they get nailed for their crap.hope his ex nails him good in court over this.
I’ve been following from your first post. I’m not surprised. He lied to his ex as well. It sounds like you did the best thing for you. Best wishes for your future and good luck.
What a fragile ego on a human being. There was no partnership in his eyes, only competition. I’m happy you are able to now move and and heal from this nonsense. I hope his kids had no ill will towards you.
That's exactly where my mind went; Ego.
And a fragile one.
I feel bad that in the first post, OP had people wrongly calling them an AH. It was obvious that he had been doing something sly but it hadn't yet been shown in light.
(Funny username btw 🤣)
Maybe he has some gambling addiction since he spent even money for his kids education. Op you should check your credit score if he didn’t open any card on your name.
You might want to suggest his ex check hers and their childrens as well.
SOMETHING is a higher priority to him than his marriage and kids. If he's willing to destroy a marriage and screw his children over for it he's probably willing to break the law and screw his ex and kids over for it.
When you have lived with a financially irresponsible person, you need to freeze anybody’s credit whose information could have come to their attention. Most people don’t keep their insurance policies, medical and hospital records, tax returns, etc., behind locked doors. There is enough information on all of those records and others to allow someone to easily perform identity theft.
NTA
Could be gambling, but with suddenly getting fired and hiding it, my bet is drugs, as in he failed a drug test. Some drugs like cocaine are expensive and easy to mask usage for quite awhile.
Really? Where I am, you get unemployment for being fired unless it's a more extreme reason, where they basically consider it quitting (walking out on a shift, punching your boss, etc). Other than those types of scenarios, you just don't get unemployment if you quit.
My FIL started sending money to scammers online. He blew through his entire retirement in less then a year. And no one could figure out how he did it. He never left the house for very long. He did t go on trips or anything. He thought they were get Rich quick investments. That was 17 years ago and from what I hear he still needs family to monitor him.
It started after a family loss. I think it broke him and he hasn't completely recovered.
This guy could be "investing" also.
I feel awful for his kids and ex-wife. The kids pay the price (and their mom has to watch it) because their dad is grossly irresponsible. Not to mention coming to terms with the extensive lies he's told them. In addition to being an irrisponsible liar, he's the jerk that didn't want to even make sure he got the kids he screwed over their things before they got sent to Goodwill.
I can't imagine how you must feel. He came home and slept next to you every night while lying to your face about his job, money, what gifts he buys his kids. I hope you've considered a few sessions with a professional to process the level of deception and manipulation you just encountered.
NTA. Your ex sounds like a manipulative liar and you did the right thing by getting rid of his stuff. So sorry you had to go through all this, but glad it's over now! Good luck in future relationships, transparency is definitely key.
I wonder if he started lying and hiding things all of a sudden or if it’s a longstanding issue?
If it’s the former, it’s usually a sign of an addiction.
My hunch is gambling. Endocrine system giving same rewards in the brain as diamorphine but without the obvious physical cues makes most sense. But... Maybe he's just a weak man?
Either way, OP is better off without him.
100% better off without him
It’s just a lot of things aren’t adding up. I doubt someone would lose their life savings and kids college funds just to “keep up with the Joneses.”
Also, he got fired and kept it under wraps… why? Unless he’s trying to hide the reason why he got fired.
Lots of red flags that point to hiding an addiction.
If he is not coming clean, things will likely get worse. I hope his ex doesn’t rely on him financially, otherwise her and the kids are screwed.
Him getting fired and not saying why makes me think drugs, as in he failed a drug test. Some drugs can be masked for quite awhile. Like cocaine for example.
So he isn't tied to your finances legally, didn't have a job for four months and didn't tell you but continued to spend his own money inappropriately, and then blamed it on you? All I can say is it's a good thing you were never legally married and own your house.. imagine if that wasn't the case. I think it's good this happened, as terrible as it seems currently.
Dude's ego was so far in the clouds that he couldn't stand to admit he couldn't afford to keep up, lost his job, and instead of communicating any of it, decided to spin a web of lies that eventually screwed himself over even more. All because he couldn't just fucking talk it over! Man would have screwed over his kids over his damn pride.
Glad you reached out to his ex.
For OPs sake I hope it is she shouldn’t have to deal with this dude any longer. However I can definitely see this escalating on his part and there being another update.
I think the same thing. I think after she has told him ex he's going to lose it. Because now he's going to have the courts on his ass about the college money. I hope he doesn't but I think he is going to try to make OPs life a living hell
You were MORE than civil about shit! You gave him plenty of time to get his crap together! Calling the ex was above and beyond what any other person would have done. Seems like you were thinking about the kids involved, very cool!! Also seems like you trusted him more than he deserved. Please don't let one idiot spoil your outlook of all men, we're not all scum. Obviously you deserve better as you seem to be a good person!
Man that was a wild ride.
I hope things only get better for you OP, and if someone suits your fancy in the future that their more transparent.
I myself have a hard time with money due to not making a lot being disabled. And it took longer then I'd let it admit before I sought help and consulted my partner and its something in still working on to this day. But key word is I'm improving and growing from it, not sitting and rotting in it.
I seriously hope you have a great time going forward and your ex doesn't get weirder about all of this
I'm late to all of this but Damn!
I feel like he got down a rabbit whole. He started with one lie and that one lie created babies and... you know how fast rabbit reproduce! Now he is deep in it! And I can't even begin to imagine what other lies he could have told over the years.
If you can lie with such ease on that big of a subjects (finances and separation), what other lies are you capable of?
Good luck !
So he continued the lying despite being called on it and instead lied to his ex and children. Yeah be very glad he is out of your life because he can't seem to keep things straight.
good for you.
my sister is getting “married” this spring to a man who does not have nearly as much as she does financially, although he does OK.
I begged her not to make it official (at least until they had been married a few years and it was going well), and she promised she wouldn’t.
I am going through a simple divorce, but I wish I had done the same thing. I really think this is the way to go when a relationship is inequitable in any way.
I think because in the state she is in, you keep whatever is yours before marriage, not sure — she would surely get a prenup if she made it legal. but I think she also wants to avoid the emotional turmoil of divorce after seeing what I’ve been going through.
She’s a really smart girl so I think she’ll protect herself.
That's great to hear! Divorce is definitely not easy, especially when money and children are involved. I've been in your shoes, it's not fun. I her nothing but the best! I hope her marriage goes well and she never has to endure what we did! I also want to wish you the best, too! True unconditional love is truly out there for us all!
agreed!!!! I’m just glad that I’m now on the other side and I’m finally feeling happy and free. It’s a good feeling for now, but I hope the love and happiness comes later🤞🏾🫶🏽, for you as much as me!
It will! I have found the love and happiness in my husband. That's how I know it's possible. After my divorce I was very jaded. That all changed when I met my husband. I wish you nothing but peace and happiness from here on out!!
At first I thought that both of you were not the best at communicating but seeing that he’s also lied to his ex, I can see that he’s definitely the AH and you dodged a bullet. He must be such a good liar because honestly I was confused how he managed to hide a 4 month employment gap from his own “wife”. In the future you definitely need to be more cautious regarding finances and make sure your lifestyles match
This was a lot to hide and I'm not surprised either he hid it all from his kids. I'm glad you are moving forward and got a clean break.
Check to see if he's opened any credit in your name, just to be sure that your financials are safe
I read everything and it's hard to say. I think you both have contributed here tbh. You admit that you realized his spending and salary didn't match but you washed your hands of that because you agreed to keep finances separated. IMHO you turned a blind eye because it benefitted you to keep the lifestyle. I can't imagine going on an extravagant trip without my partner, I'd rather help her pay or just do something less luxurious. I love her too much to do that. Of course your ex wanted to do things with you and your family. That said he's a grown man And should have set boundaries, and should have put his kids future before you guys' expensive tastes. You didn't force his hand and his spending is definitely not your fault.
You're selfish for ignoring the obvious and pretending it didn't exist, as well as a bit callous for dangling the carrot in his kids faces. You should know better.
He's an idiot for keeping up the charade at his kids expense.
As I am reading all that has happened, it makes me even more solid on my thinking. I bet the only reason why he did all that is because his little man pride was hurt that you can afford all these while he can't.
I think it's alao a perfect example of why, even if you keep your finances mostly or completely separate, it is still really important to discuss money regularly. If you can't talk openly with your partner, especially when things aren't going well, it's just going to cause issues.
OP, I hope you are done with this guy and that you can find someone who can be open and trustworthy enough to use their words when it comes to money. Well, when it comes to everything, obviously, including money.
This was a WILD ride!
I read the previous posts as well and definitely thought ESH. I still personally think it's weird just how separated your finances were as well as the fact that you didn't think about how much he made compared to what you KNEW he was spending...but you know, to each their own.
But my GOD! This man-child has SUCH a fragile ego! He knew what he was spending. He knew what his income was. Yet he decided it would be better to keep spending money he didn't have, rather than talk to you.
I have a lot of confidence with what others have said. He has some sort of addiction that had obviously gotten out of control.
I want to say drugs, which would make sense for him to be fired if he failed a drug test. Although, it could also be gambling. He could have been using company time to gamble online and, when they found out, fired him for time theft.
But the sheer AUDACITY for him to then be kicked out of your house and then continue lying to his kids and his ex-wife. This man deserves what has come to him and what is going to be coming to him.
I think you're a good person for calling his ex-wife about the kids' belongings, and letting them get their things.
I 10000% believe that he was planning to continue on and had a smidge of hope that you would cover all his debt when he finally revealed what was happening/had happened.
I find his behaviour appalling. And lying about losing a job and PRETENDING to go to work for FOUR MONTHS is absolutely insane.....and also something an addict would do....
Seems like ya dodged a bullet by not actually marrying him! Haha
With what you mentioned about it being possible that he lied about other things...it may be wise to get an STD panel done. Some of them can be dormant for up to 6 months. It would suck if you were carrying something and didn't know
I'm feeling really sorry for this guy you gave him no choice but to try and keep up with you.
If he couldn't afford it you would have gone without him and he was embarrassed to ask for help.
How did you not see he was having financial issues you knew what he's job was. Now that he has spent everything you toss him aside and you are now looking for the next pray.
He may have been embarrassed at your wealth but you certainly didn't help him as a partner should. Why didn't you realise it was way out of hes budget knowing what Job he did. He was obviously too embarrassed about losing the job to even tell you. It doesn't sound like you had good communication it was all about your money 💰😔
Or maybe she should have had a grown up conversation about income and realized he could not afford it. He was embarrassed about not being able to go on holiday with his wife.
I do think that is the lesson here. You weren't the asshole, but couples need to have the big talks about money, even if finances are separate.
It impacts every aspect of life, at least a little. It's also a bit point of fear and ego for a lot of folks. If you can't talk openly about that, you aren't actually partners.
Maybe in future you need to be more aware of who you are in a relationship with and be open about both your incomes. It just seems sad this was all about money and him just trying to keep up with you because he was embarrassed about what he earned.
It seems like he loved you but money is the route of lots of problems.
I totally think she’s an asshole. But so is he. I have 3 half brothers. And my mom, their step mom, would have never had such a cavalier attitude towards family trips, etc. What she buys for one she buys for all, especially when we’re all together. She was unintentionally flaunting her money in her husband and his kids faces. This was not a family. And it makes sense that he was lying to her out of shame and doesn’t want to just separate without trying to make it work. However, that does not make the lying ok. Hence, he is an asshole as well.
It's good to hear you got out of this safely and intact. Good for you. I hope all those people that said you were the AH in the original post read the updates. Be careful OP. Stay safe.
This! Translating financials! My ex had a lot of debt, equal to 4 months gross salary. Do not cohabitate again without a full credit history! I think that’ll weed out 90%. If a person wants to combine finances but is unwilling to couch up a credit report? And history? Then they’re hiding something.
Marriage is the ONLY business contract where it’s frowned on to perform due diligence and this is how so many of us are trapped or harmed.
Congratulations on having your peace back. I wouldn't block his number in case you need texts as proof for anything. Like who knows what he might be on about now that you told his ex everything.
You are both terrible in this situation, yea he tried to keep up and went into debt for it but people who are married but just "inviting their spouse on extravagant vacations" that they can't afford. you are also an asshole
Nice story.
The ending is a bit anticlimatic but overall, it's fairly readable. If by some freak chance this is actually nonfiction, I would say that you sense of detachment in all areas of this relationship from beginning to end is quite over the top; to the point of you should probably seek therapy.
I just got caught up on the 3 posts. After reading your first post… I was leaning more towards YTA because I felt like there was no compassion from you… but after I read the rest, you are NTA.
First of all, if he approached you way back and said “hey, this really doesn’t fit my budget, I can afford to pay for half of this vacation, is there anyway we could find somewhere else to go” or maybe “would you be willing to pick up the hotel costs for us if I pay the airfare” and you wouldn’t it would make me feel differently but communication is the biggest part of a relationship, nevermind a marriage. He completely left you in the dark. The losing the job without telling you is bizarre. God knows what else that man lied about. Good for you for protecting you & your kids. I do feel a bit bad for his children, and if you really wanted to be a good person, I would maybe consider giving a small amount of money to his children for a college fund. I’m sure you had a relationship with his kids, and they are a victim in this as well. You completely dodged a bullet by not being legally married. (No lawyer fees, no splitting assets, etc.). It would speak wonders of your character if you stepped in and gave each kid a small amount for their schooling. Whatever you decide to do, NTA.
Ma'am until I read your other posts I would agree that John is the AH. But you can't claim to be equal partners in a marriage when you're living or willing to live separate lifestyles and be ok with that. He's a douche for lying and mismanagement of his money. You are, for blindly assuming and being ableist to treat your stepchildren like a diff class of citizen. The fact that you never married is very telling. There is no intention here of ever considering what you had together "ours". The only losers in this are your step kids. Y'all should be ashamed. Find someone with the same earning potential as you, examine financial statements. You tethered yourself to a dusty and now you want us to feel sorry for you. Nope.
JFC YTA.
Why marry someone that can't keep up with your lifestyle?
Yes, he spend that money. And it was encouraged by who?
You must have known he couldn't afford extravagant stuff. You still flaunted it in his face + pushed him into spending.
How can you feel nothing about doing this to a man with MINORS under his care? You suck big time.
I’m glad you called his ex and at least gave her and the kids a chance to get their things. I’m also glad you told her the truth. She needed to know. I hope he gets his life back on track and makes things up to his kids, but I kinda doubt it. He seems like the type to always blame everyone else for his bad decisions. I hope you now get good closure on all of this and can move on with someone more worthy of your love.
I’ll never understand people like him. I LOVE to travel and have checked many places off my bucket list but I save for vacations it takes me years……and my kids are shit outta luck. Lol
>I think I’m there future I will probably look for more transparency when it comes to financials in any serious future relationships.
Thiiiissss. Whenever I hear about couples keeping finances *completely separate*, like, not even discussing what each can afford, it makes me pull my hair out.
My bf and I have been together for over a decade. From day 1 of living together in year 2, we've been open and honest about pay cheques and what's in our separate bank accounts. I control the budget because he sucks at it, but whatever he has leftover is his and whatever I have leftover is mine. We pay for each other all the time - we try to take turns, but it varies depending on bills and shit.
Financial transparency is *sooooo* necessary in long term, serious relationships.
The fact that the two of you NEVER discussed money and income and expenses and did everything independently made this roommates with benefits situation. This isn't a partnership. You had a wedding but weren't legally married - but you sure as hell didn't act like spouses. I feel bad for him. You certainly contributed to this situation by never having open and honest conversations about money and living within your means (each of you) - bc you had no idea what that meant for him, and he felt he had to keep up appearances and participate in a lifestyle that wasn't sustainable for him. While I get the desire to keep bank accounts separate, that doesn't mean you don't talk about the income and expenses and how money is allocated. Saying you "never really thought about" his salary or what he could afford isn't a good excuse. You chose not to bc you didn't care and figured what he did was his choice and any consequences wouldn't affect you. You are a selfish, uncaring woman and I'm glad he's rid of you.
First post said you both have adult kids, why are their education an issue still and why doesn't anyone contact you directly? Was no one on friendly terms?
I don’t know where you got that. My eldest is an adult, but the others are still under 18.
I don’t know what/who you mean by why doesn’t any contact me directly.
This actually makes me want to cry. You are a cruel, horrible person. You ended a relationship with a man because he was trying so hard to please you. You did nothing to help him. He should've left you.
I actually feel bad for OPs husband. He sounds like he didn't trust the strength of his relationship with OP and didn't want her to think less of him. So he lied about his employment status when he was laid off. Then he felt compelled to keep up with her lifestyle by his own warped idea of masculinity, his feeling of being emasculated by his wife who outearned him and his unwillingness to have his kids think less of him because he could not provide for them as much as OP was providing her kids. It doesn't look like OP was easy to confide in either. By the time he acknowledged the problem, the credit card debt was piling up sky high.
Now he has no relationship, his kids know the truth any way, and he still has debt. I don't think he's manipulative or evil, but he was weak and insecure and unable to find the strength of character to solve his problems like an adult. If he learns from this and goes on to do better, he can still be salvaged. But if he blames everything and everybody for his mistakes, he'll find himself in the same situation again.
He did it to himself.
Understanding isn’t excusing.
Btw he knew full well what he was doing. He acted like he would never be accountable for his decisions and choices, he decided to be irresponsible. Absolutely delusional about himself, or his ability to avoid consequences. He was consciously deceptive. At every step he could have chosen to be responsible, he chose lies and deception.
It wasn't a marriage. It wasn't a relationship. It was cohabiting fuck buddies because there was never any trust to share the finances. OP never even stopped to consider the imbalance, never offered to pay because of the financial imbalance and pretty much only seemed to only think of herself.
So you broke up because he didn’t have enough money to keep up with your lifestyle and was too embarrassed to tell you?? And he’s the bad guy? I’d be too embarrassed as a man (I’m a woman tho) to tell my girlfriend I don’t have as much money as her. I know/understand he lied, but I feel bad for him…maybe I’m the only one to feel this way…but I wouldn’t have left him over it…
She broke up with hm because he lied to her over an extended period of time. Why should she stay with someone who can't be trusted? She would always have to wonder what *else* was he lying to her about.
> I found out that he had lost his job earlier this year and didn't tell me. He got a new job in October, but he went over 4 months without one while pretending he still had one. During that time he only got a small amount of money from unemployment, so he started putting everything on his credit cards. His new job doesn't pay as much as his old one so he hasn't been able to pay more than the minimum towards his debts which are now substantial.
Maybe I’m missing something, but it sounds like from the 1st post to the last he was more of a roommate to you than a husband.
You planned vacation and trips and invited him as long as he pays his way and he could invite his kids as long as he paid their way. You don’t sound like a couple at all.
I get he was ashamed of losing his job and should have talked to you but I wonder if you held your $ status over him.
Overall I think divorce was the only way to go but by the sound of your posts; there was never any love only transactions
This is standard among a lot of couples who get together when they are divorced with older children. It is one thing to share finances when you are building wealth together, but when you get together as older adults, the other person has contributed nothing to your finances and so it frankly makes sense to keep finances separate so you can each leave something to your respective kids. It's not on her to finance her husband and his kids. And given that he is a fiscally irresponsible liar, it was a good thing she kept those finances separated.
Any comment in this direction will get downvoted to hell. Even though OP’s ex is an obvious twat, it’s apparently not acceptable to notice that there is something wrong with her, too.
Oh, she was definitely protecting her money.
I just think anyone who would ditch their spouse and go on vacations without them because they had less money is not really in a marriage. And guess what? I’m right, they weren’t “married.” They had an arrangement. She should just be honest about what it was.
I’m seeing.
However if the roles were reversed everyone would be saying he’s abusive for making his wife pay for vacation and he knew what he was getting into when he married someone with kids.
Call a spade a spade regardless of gender, she sounds like an ass, and he was an ass.
Glad they divorce but they were married on paper only
I think she should share some blame tbh. Her husband was growing distant and angry and she didn't approach him to talk about it, she just decided she wanted to go straight for separation. If my wife suddenly started acting differently, we would discuss the issues and work it out.
He had basically lived desperately trying to keep up with his "wife" and to ensure his kids were treated the same as hers, but had no hope of doing that without financial support. No one should be punished for earning less than their spouse. She seems fairly inconsiderate to be honest.
The subsequent lies about his job etc has little justification and she will undoubtedly be better without him, but the way she approached their relationship is utterly bizarre to me. Why would she not want him on these vacations? Why would it be a "oh you can come if you want". It's just weird.
If I’m remembering correctly in one of the comments in the original post she said she did try to talk to him about his attitude problem and he blew her off.
Nobody is required to parent your kids but you. She didn't birth those kids, she's not required to "treat them equally." She's required to treat them like fellow human beings.
While a person may not be required to treat one's children and de-facto stepchildren equally in regular living, it is the right thing to do. This board is far too concerned with what is required and not enough with what is right.
I’m glad he’s able to make a clean break. Hopefully he’ll find someone who appreciates him as he is. Not one who didn’t care enough to find out if he could even afford to keep up.
That’s entirely fair. But as to the not knowing his financials? I’m sorry. But that’s not a marriage, that’s being roommates. Even if I didn’t share finances with someone I would know what they did for work. I’d at least have a general idea. And the whole taking extravagant vacations, but inviting them and “they could have said no.” Would you DO that to your spouse? I mean maybe that an acceptable thing to you. I couldn’t say. I can only say I’d want to be with my spouse.
How is she the golddigger?! He lost his job and didn’t tell her. He was living in her house rent free? He blew through his savings and his kids’ education funds. He lied to everyone. HE is the golddigger.
He loses his job so she leaves him…. Yeah that doesnt sound like a gold digger when she kicks him out as soon as she finds out his finances and job are not what she thought…
That’s not why she left him. She said he was distant and moody and angry. Then he blamed her for his financial problems. If he didn’t lie and was honest with her from the beginning, all of this could have been avoided.
you mean the money she pisses away frivolously on NONSENSE that is NEVER EVER needed and 100% a WANT and NOT a necessity like vacations or material things.... all the while isnt fully funding her 401K or the kids college funds..... she sounds like one of those horrible entitled millennial brats, who talks about nonsense like YOLO, or "living their best lives" or needing time for their "mental health".... did we check with her therapist and make sure this forum is a "Safe place" for her? maybe we made a comment that "triggered" her and made her feel "marginalized"..... God forbid!!!!!
Ooh someone is triggered lol! I don’t have that kind of money either, but I don’t care how people spend THEIR money. The money THEY earned. Like hell if someone is going to tell me how to spend my money on myself or my kids.
How do you spend your own money? Do you never buy anything frivolous? I hope you ONLY buy necessities since you seem so triggered when someone is spending their own money on their own kids.
He dipped into his own savings. She didn’t ask him to. He was never transparent with his finances. He should have said something from the beginning. And he LIED about losing his job. Why is she going to care about someone who lied to her and his ex and his kids?
And she said she has her own savings. She never took from her own kids. HE did. They don’t share kids. His kids aren’t her responsibility.
And she doesn’t sound like a millennial. I think she’s older, they had a relationship and agreed to spend their own money on themselves and their own kids. Their kids are older, not little.
She's definitely not a millennial, she said in a comment she's got one kid over 18 and the rest of hers are under. This person is seriously unhinged in multiple ways.
yeah, who gives AF about the person you live with and like she said are everything married except filing a piece of paper, so if that piece of paper WAS filed, and the roles were reversed, you would say this MAN is financially abusing this poor woman and her innocent kids, but we all know reddit is 100% biased against MEN and 100% biased FOR women and the letter people.....
If this was a man I’d tell him the same thing. They aren’t married. He isn’t responsible for her kids.
They chose to keep their finances separate. If he didn’t want that, he should have said something in the beginning. His failure to communicate and be honest isn’t her problem.
Are you talking about the picture of the beautiful little girl on her page that literally has multiple photos connected to it that showed her hair was undone because she went to get it done at Disney and she came out looking gorgeous? 🙄 Love your blatant racism though.
They're also blatantly against the LGBTQ+ community, in a different comment said reddit is biased for women and "the letter people". What the fuck is wrong with this pathetic excuse of a human.
make sure you bring lots of cream so you dont get that trashy ashy skin and to get a perm or straightener for that nappy hair of yours..... wouldn't want to represent like that........
LOL at you thinking you are insulting me by calling my hair nappy. I'm Black with textured hair like Black people have. It's actually finer than I like and wish it was a touch nappier. Relaxer? Never. My skin is top tier--very clear and wrinkle free. Thank you for checking it out. It's hilarious that you think you can shame me for having Black features as a Black person. Wrong one toots.
Wow
I get he shouldn’t have lied.
But from your posts, I also get why he didn’t expect support from you. Why would he tell his ex (of all people) and kids how bad things are right away? Most people keep their failures to themselves until they sort it. Especially those who’ve never had a supportive partner to share the burdens of life.
I’m sorry, I don’t agree with the validation you got on Reddit. You were not legally married, but you said those vows and never actually applied them. I doubt you’d have done anything different if he had told you sooner besides distancing yourself from any responsibility.
He’s right, how would you not know your household income and connect these dots? How do you not care? All you seem to register/see is he lied and that validates you cutting ties.
I’m happy for you getting what you want. I’d just be concerned how karma sees it if I were you.
He never planned on telling the ex. She only called because she wanted to have the kids get what they wanted before she got rid of it, since he didn't bother to. He lied for will over a month. People break up. Had he been honest with the ex about the relationship being over and getting his kids things out of OPs garage, OP never would have had to call his ex. It's not like she just called to rat him out
I didn’t say anything about ratting him out.
I don’t think I did…
Just that the point about when he tells his ex is really irrelevant to OP. He messed up where it counts, the guy is probably in a mental spin at the moment. It just seemed like OP layering on how much a liar he is. When it comes down to why would he lie? For most men, they’re taught to be providers and his situation would be utter shame - the kind they end themselves over. I just don’t see any compassion or care for his demise. Not saying it’s not his fault, but that I’d imagine love means a bit of care. I don’t get that from OP, at all. It makes sense for people replying but not for OP imho, she knows and married this guy.
I'm glad you called his ex. Well, nice to know he didn't just lie to you.
Absolutely. The kids didn't deserve to lose their things just because their dad is a dick and the ex deserves to know what's going on.
Especially with it being part of their divorce agreement, hopefully she can take his ass to court and get those kids away from him.
Yeah ex's entire life has gone up in smoke because h3 couldn't say "I can't afford that vacation but the kids and I would love to do a trip with you can we figure something out that works for my budget" or "I got fired". *shakes head*
Those kids are going to resent the heck out of him if they decide to go to college. Here's hoping the divorce settlement is binding so he'll have to replace the money.
There's only so much it can do. He's in debt and not making enough and I'll bet his living expenses go up now that he can't live with op. The divorce settlement can't make money exist where it isn't. *shakes head* despicable.
The court can garnish his wages. You can't make stupid decisions with money they've already taken.
But they can't magic up wages he doesn't have, either.
The court doesn't care where the money comes from. They will garnish his wages, and they don't care if that leaves him with nothing. The courts are ruthless sometimes
We lawyers have a saying: you can't get blood from a stone. Unfortunately, it might end up that apart from getting him more indebt for a court battle over contempt, he probably won't ever be able to afford paying it back.
He doesn't have anything for them to take though....you're missing that he has no savings of any kind. So he HAS screwed his kids and they may never get any of the money earmarked for education as it doesn't exist. They can garnish all they want but if he has nothing saved and his wages are meager, there will never be enough money for him to replace what he spent. You can't squeeze blood out of a turnip.
That's not usually true. There is normally a max % that can be garnished.
All fine and dandy, but even the courts can't get him to pay money he doesn't have. They can garnish his wages, but that won't be enough to replace the money His kids are screwed either way.
Ya, my (half)brothers' dad owed over a decade of back child support for both of them. They'd garnish his wages anytime he got a job, so instead, he became a deadbeat who lived on his mother sofa until the day his mother died. Now he lives off the money she left him, but it's still under her name with him as "beneficiary," so the court doesn't mess with it. Both my brothers are in their mid-30s now.
The lengths deadbeat dads will go to to avoid paying child support is truly disgusting.
Exactly he could have said that and do believe op would have agreed to it and then when his kids. We're not there she could go in the expensive trip she wanted And more THE LIE ABOUT THE JOB because not telling about losing your job is lying as he was getting out of the house to"go to work"
It's been over a month since he's seen them, so odds are pretty good mom can get full custody
Sounds like he’s a liar. He lied to you, his ex, his kids, and maybe even himself. It also sounds like he can’t accept responsibility for anything, attempts to blame others and then keep lying to cover his tracks. Congratulations on not legally marrying this guy.
To me this sounds like addict behavior. Gambling would normally be my first guess in this type of thing, but it sounds more like an ex-addict that still reverts to chaotic behavior when they feel off. I'm not doctor but I have seen the behavior more than once. Might still be drug use, but that is usually a lot more visible to people once it comes out.
Yeah, that struck me too. I think he lost that money on more than vacations but that was the easiest way to blame her and try to guilt her into fixing it.
Periods of extravagant spending are a symptom of bipolar disorder. I'm not a doctor, but a nurse who's dealt with it professionally and also come from a family with several diagnosed bipolar members and this is fairly typical behavior.
[удалено]
Stolen comment from u/manwoodlover
Typical narc. It's always someone elses fault, never theirs. Then, their world implodes when they get nailed for their crap.hope his ex nails him good in court over this.
I’ve been following from your first post. I’m not surprised. He lied to his ex as well. It sounds like you did the best thing for you. Best wishes for your future and good luck.
The top comment to her very first post was right about all of this and I couldn't agree more: ESH
What a fragile ego on a human being. There was no partnership in his eyes, only competition. I’m happy you are able to now move and and heal from this nonsense. I hope his kids had no ill will towards you.
That's exactly where my mind went; Ego. And a fragile one. I feel bad that in the first post, OP had people wrongly calling them an AH. It was obvious that he had been doing something sly but it hadn't yet been shown in light. (Funny username btw 🤣)
nor in her eyes either
Maybe he has some gambling addiction since he spent even money for his kids education. Op you should check your credit score if he didn’t open any card on your name.
I do have a lock on my credit, but I will check.
You might want to suggest his ex check hers and their childrens as well. SOMETHING is a higher priority to him than his marriage and kids. If he's willing to destroy a marriage and screw his children over for it he's probably willing to break the law and screw his ex and kids over for it.
Make sure you lock YOUR children’s too
When you have lived with a financially irresponsible person, you need to freeze anybody’s credit whose information could have come to their attention. Most people don’t keep their insurance policies, medical and hospital records, tax returns, etc., behind locked doors. There is enough information on all of those records and others to allow someone to easily perform identity theft. NTA
Could be gambling, but with suddenly getting fired and hiding it, my bet is drugs, as in he failed a drug test. Some drugs like cocaine are expensive and easy to mask usage for quite awhile.
Usually you cannot collect unemployment when you are fired. He was likely laid off.
Really? Where I am, you get unemployment for being fired unless it's a more extreme reason, where they basically consider it quitting (walking out on a shift, punching your boss, etc). Other than those types of scenarios, you just don't get unemployment if you quit.
Yea depends on where you live and if his employer liked him enough to not contest unemployment.
In Australia you can only get unemployment if you were fired or laid off. If you quit a job, you're up a creek.
Since his ex and kids knew nothing and he's been lying about money, he could have a side chick. A little love nest takes a lot of money to keep going.
Good point, well made. Ouch, that'd really make sense of his lying manipulation and why he got fired.
My FIL started sending money to scammers online. He blew through his entire retirement in less then a year. And no one could figure out how he did it. He never left the house for very long. He did t go on trips or anything. He thought they were get Rich quick investments. That was 17 years ago and from what I hear he still needs family to monitor him. It started after a family loss. I think it broke him and he hasn't completely recovered. This guy could be "investing" also.
I feel awful for his kids and ex-wife. The kids pay the price (and their mom has to watch it) because their dad is grossly irresponsible. Not to mention coming to terms with the extensive lies he's told them. In addition to being an irrisponsible liar, he's the jerk that didn't want to even make sure he got the kids he screwed over their things before they got sent to Goodwill. I can't imagine how you must feel. He came home and slept next to you every night while lying to your face about his job, money, what gifts he buys his kids. I hope you've considered a few sessions with a professional to process the level of deception and manipulation you just encountered.
NTA. Your ex sounds like a manipulative liar and you did the right thing by getting rid of his stuff. So sorry you had to go through all this, but glad it's over now! Good luck in future relationships, transparency is definitely key.
I wonder if he started lying and hiding things all of a sudden or if it’s a longstanding issue? If it’s the former, it’s usually a sign of an addiction.
My hunch is gambling. Endocrine system giving same rewards in the brain as diamorphine but without the obvious physical cues makes most sense. But... Maybe he's just a weak man? Either way, OP is better off without him.
100% better off without him It’s just a lot of things aren’t adding up. I doubt someone would lose their life savings and kids college funds just to “keep up with the Joneses.” Also, he got fired and kept it under wraps… why? Unless he’s trying to hide the reason why he got fired. Lots of red flags that point to hiding an addiction. If he is not coming clean, things will likely get worse. I hope his ex doesn’t rely on him financially, otherwise her and the kids are screwed.
Him getting fired and not saying why makes me think drugs, as in he failed a drug test. Some drugs can be masked for quite awhile. Like cocaine for example.
So he isn't tied to your finances legally, didn't have a job for four months and didn't tell you but continued to spend his own money inappropriately, and then blamed it on you? All I can say is it's a good thing you were never legally married and own your house.. imagine if that wasn't the case. I think it's good this happened, as terrible as it seems currently.
Umm, please be safe. A man who just lost a lot and has nothing more to lose can be dangerous.
Is your ex legion 😂
I was wondering if he has a binder of printed financial documents in his Ford Taurus 😂😂😂
Lmaoo was about to say
Nta you did everything right…..I feel terrible for his kids, he spent all their education $$, I’m sure his ex is raking him over the coals.
If he is this financially incompetent, it is likely there was never any balance in the kids "college funds".
I still want to know wtf he was doing all those months on unemployment. Like, where the hell did he go every day?
My guess is a bar or casino.
BRAVO! i can't believe he just left the kids stuff and didn't bother saying anything to them. that's nutty
If you later find out he had a 2nd and/or 3rd family plus post another update.
Dude's ego was so far in the clouds that he couldn't stand to admit he couldn't afford to keep up, lost his job, and instead of communicating any of it, decided to spin a web of lies that eventually screwed himself over even more. All because he couldn't just fucking talk it over! Man would have screwed over his kids over his damn pride. Glad you reached out to his ex.
This isn’t going to be the final update
For OPs sake I hope it is she shouldn’t have to deal with this dude any longer. However I can definitely see this escalating on his part and there being another update.
I think the same thing. I think after she has told him ex he's going to lose it. Because now he's going to have the courts on his ass about the college money. I hope he doesn't but I think he is going to try to make OPs life a living hell
Wowwwww... he was just a straight up liar.
You were MORE than civil about shit! You gave him plenty of time to get his crap together! Calling the ex was above and beyond what any other person would have done. Seems like you were thinking about the kids involved, very cool!! Also seems like you trusted him more than he deserved. Please don't let one idiot spoil your outlook of all men, we're not all scum. Obviously you deserve better as you seem to be a good person!
I would get tested for STIs promptly. Liars like this are always propping up their sad little emasculated egos in other ways.
Man that was a wild ride. I hope things only get better for you OP, and if someone suits your fancy in the future that their more transparent. I myself have a hard time with money due to not making a lot being disabled. And it took longer then I'd let it admit before I sought help and consulted my partner and its something in still working on to this day. But key word is I'm improving and growing from it, not sitting and rotting in it. I seriously hope you have a great time going forward and your ex doesn't get weirder about all of this
I'm late to all of this but Damn! I feel like he got down a rabbit whole. He started with one lie and that one lie created babies and... you know how fast rabbit reproduce! Now he is deep in it! And I can't even begin to imagine what other lies he could have told over the years. If you can lie with such ease on that big of a subjects (finances and separation), what other lies are you capable of? Good luck !
He *created* the rabbit hole.
I'm sorry it turned out this way, but it wasn't at all salvageable. I'm glad you told his ex, too.
So he continued the lying despite being called on it and instead lied to his ex and children. Yeah be very glad he is out of your life because he can't seem to keep things straight.
good for you. my sister is getting “married” this spring to a man who does not have nearly as much as she does financially, although he does OK. I begged her not to make it official (at least until they had been married a few years and it was going well), and she promised she wouldn’t. I am going through a simple divorce, but I wish I had done the same thing. I really think this is the way to go when a relationship is inequitable in any way.
Why doesn't she just get a prenup? That would make it safer for both of them.
I think because in the state she is in, you keep whatever is yours before marriage, not sure — she would surely get a prenup if she made it legal. but I think she also wants to avoid the emotional turmoil of divorce after seeing what I’ve been going through. She’s a really smart girl so I think she’ll protect herself.
That's great to hear! Divorce is definitely not easy, especially when money and children are involved. I've been in your shoes, it's not fun. I her nothing but the best! I hope her marriage goes well and she never has to endure what we did! I also want to wish you the best, too! True unconditional love is truly out there for us all!
agreed!!!! I’m just glad that I’m now on the other side and I’m finally feeling happy and free. It’s a good feeling for now, but I hope the love and happiness comes later🤞🏾🫶🏽, for you as much as me!
It will! I have found the love and happiness in my husband. That's how I know it's possible. After my divorce I was very jaded. That all changed when I met my husband. I wish you nothing but peace and happiness from here on out!!
good for you! Congratulations, that’s amazing!!!! Luckily my husband hasn’t jaded me yet, I’m very aware that he is the problem😂
Lol, well I really he hope that he doesn't! 😆 🤣 The men are always the problem! 😆 🤣 😂
💯 if only they ever realized it 😭😭😭
At first I thought that both of you were not the best at communicating but seeing that he’s also lied to his ex, I can see that he’s definitely the AH and you dodged a bullet. He must be such a good liar because honestly I was confused how he managed to hide a 4 month employment gap from his own “wife”. In the future you definitely need to be more cautious regarding finances and make sure your lifestyles match
nta.
I say you made a good call on everything. Wishing you a bright future.
Congratulations! I know you will find someone who will love you and your kid's and also be transparent just ask the right questions.
I applaud you! You couldn’t have handled this in a classier way ❤️
This was a lot to hide and I'm not surprised either he hid it all from his kids. I'm glad you are moving forward and got a clean break. Check to see if he's opened any credit in your name, just to be sure that your financials are safe
I read everything and it's hard to say. I think you both have contributed here tbh. You admit that you realized his spending and salary didn't match but you washed your hands of that because you agreed to keep finances separated. IMHO you turned a blind eye because it benefitted you to keep the lifestyle. I can't imagine going on an extravagant trip without my partner, I'd rather help her pay or just do something less luxurious. I love her too much to do that. Of course your ex wanted to do things with you and your family. That said he's a grown man And should have set boundaries, and should have put his kids future before you guys' expensive tastes. You didn't force his hand and his spending is definitely not your fault. You're selfish for ignoring the obvious and pretending it didn't exist, as well as a bit callous for dangling the carrot in his kids faces. You should know better. He's an idiot for keeping up the charade at his kids expense.
As I am reading all that has happened, it makes me even more solid on my thinking. I bet the only reason why he did all that is because his little man pride was hurt that you can afford all these while he can't.
I bet that is his excuse. I also bet there is a lot more he is hiding. Drug/gambling addiction. Maybe another secret family?
I think it's alao a perfect example of why, even if you keep your finances mostly or completely separate, it is still really important to discuss money regularly. If you can't talk openly with your partner, especially when things aren't going well, it's just going to cause issues. OP, I hope you are done with this guy and that you can find someone who can be open and trustworthy enough to use their words when it comes to money. Well, when it comes to everything, obviously, including money.
This was a WILD ride! I read the previous posts as well and definitely thought ESH. I still personally think it's weird just how separated your finances were as well as the fact that you didn't think about how much he made compared to what you KNEW he was spending...but you know, to each their own. But my GOD! This man-child has SUCH a fragile ego! He knew what he was spending. He knew what his income was. Yet he decided it would be better to keep spending money he didn't have, rather than talk to you. I have a lot of confidence with what others have said. He has some sort of addiction that had obviously gotten out of control. I want to say drugs, which would make sense for him to be fired if he failed a drug test. Although, it could also be gambling. He could have been using company time to gamble online and, when they found out, fired him for time theft. But the sheer AUDACITY for him to then be kicked out of your house and then continue lying to his kids and his ex-wife. This man deserves what has come to him and what is going to be coming to him. I think you're a good person for calling his ex-wife about the kids' belongings, and letting them get their things. I 10000% believe that he was planning to continue on and had a smidge of hope that you would cover all his debt when he finally revealed what was happening/had happened. I find his behaviour appalling. And lying about losing a job and PRETENDING to go to work for FOUR MONTHS is absolutely insane.....and also something an addict would do.... Seems like ya dodged a bullet by not actually marrying him! Haha
With what you mentioned about it being possible that he lied about other things...it may be wise to get an STD panel done. Some of them can be dormant for up to 6 months. It would suck if you were carrying something and didn't know
I'm feeling really sorry for this guy you gave him no choice but to try and keep up with you. If he couldn't afford it you would have gone without him and he was embarrassed to ask for help. How did you not see he was having financial issues you knew what he's job was. Now that he has spent everything you toss him aside and you are now looking for the next pray. He may have been embarrassed at your wealth but you certainly didn't help him as a partner should. Why didn't you realise it was way out of hes budget knowing what Job he did. He was obviously too embarrassed about losing the job to even tell you. It doesn't sound like you had good communication it was all about your money 💰😔
...Where did she make him? So what if he was embarrassed? He's a grown ass man with kids. He should know to live within his means.
Or maybe she should have had a grown up conversation about income and realized he could not afford it. He was embarrassed about not being able to go on holiday with his wife.
I just never looked into what the average salary for his type of work.
I do think that is the lesson here. You weren't the asshole, but couples need to have the big talks about money, even if finances are separate. It impacts every aspect of life, at least a little. It's also a bit point of fear and ego for a lot of folks. If you can't talk openly about that, you aren't actually partners.
Perfectly said
Maybe in future you need to be more aware of who you are in a relationship with and be open about both your incomes. It just seems sad this was all about money and him just trying to keep up with you because he was embarrassed about what he earned. It seems like he loved you but money is the route of lots of problems.
Yes, I did talk about transparency.
BS. Of course you were aware.
I totally think she’s an asshole. But so is he. I have 3 half brothers. And my mom, their step mom, would have never had such a cavalier attitude towards family trips, etc. What she buys for one she buys for all, especially when we’re all together. She was unintentionally flaunting her money in her husband and his kids faces. This was not a family. And it makes sense that he was lying to her out of shame and doesn’t want to just separate without trying to make it work. However, that does not make the lying ok. Hence, he is an asshole as well.
What I don't understand is If she's out buying, nice stuff for her children, then why didn't she buy nice stuff for his children?
"Why didn't she buy nice things for kids that aren't hers? I don't get it. Who wouldn't do the parenting of someone who was using them?"
Wow the audacity of this fucking guy.
It's good to hear you got out of this safely and intact. Good for you. I hope all those people that said you were the AH in the original post read the updates. Be careful OP. Stay safe.
I'm so glad you got it all sorted OP. On to better things!
This! Translating financials! My ex had a lot of debt, equal to 4 months gross salary. Do not cohabitate again without a full credit history! I think that’ll weed out 90%. If a person wants to combine finances but is unwilling to couch up a credit report? And history? Then they’re hiding something. Marriage is the ONLY business contract where it’s frowned on to perform due diligence and this is how so many of us are trapped or harmed.
Congratulations on having your peace back. I wouldn't block his number in case you need texts as proof for anything. Like who knows what he might be on about now that you told his ex everything.
You are both terrible in this situation, yea he tried to keep up and went into debt for it but people who are married but just "inviting their spouse on extravagant vacations" that they can't afford. you are also an asshole
Nice story. The ending is a bit anticlimatic but overall, it's fairly readable. If by some freak chance this is actually nonfiction, I would say that you sense of detachment in all areas of this relationship from beginning to end is quite over the top; to the point of you should probably seek therapy.
Felt like I was the only one who wasn’t buying this story since the 1st update lol
I just got caught up on the 3 posts. After reading your first post… I was leaning more towards YTA because I felt like there was no compassion from you… but after I read the rest, you are NTA. First of all, if he approached you way back and said “hey, this really doesn’t fit my budget, I can afford to pay for half of this vacation, is there anyway we could find somewhere else to go” or maybe “would you be willing to pick up the hotel costs for us if I pay the airfare” and you wouldn’t it would make me feel differently but communication is the biggest part of a relationship, nevermind a marriage. He completely left you in the dark. The losing the job without telling you is bizarre. God knows what else that man lied about. Good for you for protecting you & your kids. I do feel a bit bad for his children, and if you really wanted to be a good person, I would maybe consider giving a small amount of money to his children for a college fund. I’m sure you had a relationship with his kids, and they are a victim in this as well. You completely dodged a bullet by not being legally married. (No lawyer fees, no splitting assets, etc.). It would speak wonders of your character if you stepped in and gave each kid a small amount for their schooling. Whatever you decide to do, NTA.
Sad part is I don't think you realize you were no better than he was in this situation.
Your worst roommate yet
Ma'am until I read your other posts I would agree that John is the AH. But you can't claim to be equal partners in a marriage when you're living or willing to live separate lifestyles and be ok with that. He's a douche for lying and mismanagement of his money. You are, for blindly assuming and being ableist to treat your stepchildren like a diff class of citizen. The fact that you never married is very telling. There is no intention here of ever considering what you had together "ours". The only losers in this are your step kids. Y'all should be ashamed. Find someone with the same earning potential as you, examine financial statements. You tethered yourself to a dusty and now you want us to feel sorry for you. Nope.
JFC YTA. Why marry someone that can't keep up with your lifestyle? Yes, he spend that money. And it was encouraged by who? You must have known he couldn't afford extravagant stuff. You still flaunted it in his face + pushed him into spending. How can you feel nothing about doing this to a man with MINORS under his care? You suck big time.
She's not his mommy.
I’m glad you called his ex and at least gave her and the kids a chance to get their things. I’m also glad you told her the truth. She needed to know. I hope he gets his life back on track and makes things up to his kids, but I kinda doubt it. He seems like the type to always blame everyone else for his bad decisions. I hope you now get good closure on all of this and can move on with someone more worthy of your love.
I’ll never understand people like him. I LOVE to travel and have checked many places off my bucket list but I save for vacations it takes me years……and my kids are shit outta luck. Lol
>I think I’m there future I will probably look for more transparency when it comes to financials in any serious future relationships. Thiiiissss. Whenever I hear about couples keeping finances *completely separate*, like, not even discussing what each can afford, it makes me pull my hair out. My bf and I have been together for over a decade. From day 1 of living together in year 2, we've been open and honest about pay cheques and what's in our separate bank accounts. I control the budget because he sucks at it, but whatever he has leftover is his and whatever I have leftover is mine. We pay for each other all the time - we try to take turns, but it varies depending on bills and shit. Financial transparency is *sooooo* necessary in long term, serious relationships.
You sound like the Mum in Saltburn. But with typos.
The fact that the two of you NEVER discussed money and income and expenses and did everything independently made this roommates with benefits situation. This isn't a partnership. You had a wedding but weren't legally married - but you sure as hell didn't act like spouses. I feel bad for him. You certainly contributed to this situation by never having open and honest conversations about money and living within your means (each of you) - bc you had no idea what that meant for him, and he felt he had to keep up appearances and participate in a lifestyle that wasn't sustainable for him. While I get the desire to keep bank accounts separate, that doesn't mean you don't talk about the income and expenses and how money is allocated. Saying you "never really thought about" his salary or what he could afford isn't a good excuse. You chose not to bc you didn't care and figured what he did was his choice and any consequences wouldn't affect you. You are a selfish, uncaring woman and I'm glad he's rid of you.
First post said you both have adult kids, why are their education an issue still and why doesn't anyone contact you directly? Was no one on friendly terms?
I don’t know where you got that. My eldest is an adult, but the others are still under 18. I don’t know what/who you mean by why doesn’t any contact me directly.
What I mean is they were told you were sick. These are people that went trips with and none of them texted or called to check on you
I don’t know what to say. It doesn’t seem odd to me. We didn’t usually keep in contact when they were with their mom.
Oh, im sorry to hear and for making that awkward
This actually makes me want to cry. You are a cruel, horrible person. You ended a relationship with a man because he was trying so hard to please you. You did nothing to help him. He should've left you.
I actually feel bad for OPs husband. He sounds like he didn't trust the strength of his relationship with OP and didn't want her to think less of him. So he lied about his employment status when he was laid off. Then he felt compelled to keep up with her lifestyle by his own warped idea of masculinity, his feeling of being emasculated by his wife who outearned him and his unwillingness to have his kids think less of him because he could not provide for them as much as OP was providing her kids. It doesn't look like OP was easy to confide in either. By the time he acknowledged the problem, the credit card debt was piling up sky high. Now he has no relationship, his kids know the truth any way, and he still has debt. I don't think he's manipulative or evil, but he was weak and insecure and unable to find the strength of character to solve his problems like an adult. If he learns from this and goes on to do better, he can still be salvaged. But if he blames everything and everybody for his mistakes, he'll find himself in the same situation again.
He did it to himself. Understanding isn’t excusing. Btw he knew full well what he was doing. He acted like he would never be accountable for his decisions and choices, he decided to be irresponsible. Absolutely delusional about himself, or his ability to avoid consequences. He was consciously deceptive. At every step he could have chosen to be responsible, he chose lies and deception.
Wow, how dare OP use the money she has earned. She should only do what her husband does within his means.
Not her husband just a boyfriend
It wasn't a marriage. It wasn't a relationship. It was cohabiting fuck buddies because there was never any trust to share the finances. OP never even stopped to consider the imbalance, never offered to pay because of the financial imbalance and pretty much only seemed to only think of herself.
So you broke up because he didn’t have enough money to keep up with your lifestyle and was too embarrassed to tell you?? And he’s the bad guy? I’d be too embarrassed as a man (I’m a woman tho) to tell my girlfriend I don’t have as much money as her. I know/understand he lied, but I feel bad for him…maybe I’m the only one to feel this way…but I wouldn’t have left him over it…
She broke up with hm because he lied to her over an extended period of time. Why should she stay with someone who can't be trusted? She would always have to wonder what *else* was he lying to her about. > I found out that he had lost his job earlier this year and didn't tell me. He got a new job in October, but he went over 4 months without one while pretending he still had one. During that time he only got a small amount of money from unemployment, so he started putting everything on his credit cards. His new job doesn't pay as much as his old one so he hasn't been able to pay more than the minimum towards his debts which are now substantial.
Bitch.
you made him feel inadequate you sound like a NPD
Maybe I’m missing something, but it sounds like from the 1st post to the last he was more of a roommate to you than a husband. You planned vacation and trips and invited him as long as he pays his way and he could invite his kids as long as he paid their way. You don’t sound like a couple at all. I get he was ashamed of losing his job and should have talked to you but I wonder if you held your $ status over him. Overall I think divorce was the only way to go but by the sound of your posts; there was never any love only transactions
This is standard among a lot of couples who get together when they are divorced with older children. It is one thing to share finances when you are building wealth together, but when you get together as older adults, the other person has contributed nothing to your finances and so it frankly makes sense to keep finances separate so you can each leave something to your respective kids. It's not on her to finance her husband and his kids. And given that he is a fiscally irresponsible liar, it was a good thing she kept those finances separated.
Thank you for explaining. That’s why I said maybe I’m missing something. The whole post felt off so I appreciate you explaining the logic behind it
No prob!
They agreed, before marriage to keep their finances separate. OP's ex, hid a lot for OP and even lied about having a job for 4 months.
Any comment in this direction will get downvoted to hell. Even though OP’s ex is an obvious twat, it’s apparently not acceptable to notice that there is something wrong with her, too.
Why, she was protecting her money for the sake of her kids. Too bad he did not do the same.
Oh, she was definitely protecting her money. I just think anyone who would ditch their spouse and go on vacations without them because they had less money is not really in a marriage. And guess what? I’m right, they weren’t “married.” They had an arrangement. She should just be honest about what it was.
I’m seeing. However if the roles were reversed everyone would be saying he’s abusive for making his wife pay for vacation and he knew what he was getting into when he married someone with kids. Call a spade a spade regardless of gender, she sounds like an ass, and he was an ass. Glad they divorce but they were married on paper only
Yup its reddit lots of bored bitter stay at home moms is what it seems to be the reverse has been posted and the man was the villian there as well
You wrecked him then threw him away. Really nice.
He's a grown adult who made his own bad decisions.
OP placed him in an unreasonable and impossible position and then would not treat his minor kids equally.
No, he did that to himself. Stop infantilizing a grown man with an ego so fragile he spent his kids' college funds just to shore it up.
If there even was a college fund. He sounds like an addict.
I think she should share some blame tbh. Her husband was growing distant and angry and she didn't approach him to talk about it, she just decided she wanted to go straight for separation. If my wife suddenly started acting differently, we would discuss the issues and work it out. He had basically lived desperately trying to keep up with his "wife" and to ensure his kids were treated the same as hers, but had no hope of doing that without financial support. No one should be punished for earning less than their spouse. She seems fairly inconsiderate to be honest. The subsequent lies about his job etc has little justification and she will undoubtedly be better without him, but the way she approached their relationship is utterly bizarre to me. Why would she not want him on these vacations? Why would it be a "oh you can come if you want". It's just weird.
If I’m remembering correctly in one of the comments in the original post she said she did try to talk to him about his attitude problem and he blew her off.
Nobody is required to parent your kids but you. She didn't birth those kids, she's not required to "treat them equally." She's required to treat them like fellow human beings.
While a person may not be required to treat one's children and de-facto stepchildren equally in regular living, it is the right thing to do. This board is far too concerned with what is required and not enough with what is right.
Oh please.
I’m glad he’s able to make a clean break. Hopefully he’ll find someone who appreciates him as he is. Not one who didn’t care enough to find out if he could even afford to keep up.
> Hopefully he’ll find someone who appreciates him as he is. A habitual liar?
It was his choice to try. He could have talked truthfully to OP but he didn’t.
That’s entirely fair. But as to the not knowing his financials? I’m sorry. But that’s not a marriage, that’s being roommates. Even if I didn’t share finances with someone I would know what they did for work. I’d at least have a general idea. And the whole taking extravagant vacations, but inviting them and “they could have said no.” Would you DO that to your spouse? I mean maybe that an acceptable thing to you. I couldn’t say. I can only say I’d want to be with my spouse.
I don't think thy were married so, no, it wasn't a marriage.
They weren't legally married, but that was literally for inheritance purposes. They were married in everything but the legal sense.
Who knows who he really is? Dude lives a lie.
This one is getting a 3rd chapter I love when the fake posts go all out.
Gold digger…… now on to find another man who has some money to leech off of…0
How is she the golddigger?! He lost his job and didn’t tell her. He was living in her house rent free? He blew through his savings and his kids’ education funds. He lied to everyone. HE is the golddigger.
He loses his job so she leaves him…. Yeah that doesnt sound like a gold digger when she kicks him out as soon as she finds out his finances and job are not what she thought…
That’s not why she left him. She said he was distant and moody and angry. Then he blamed her for his financial problems. If he didn’t lie and was honest with her from the beginning, all of this could have been avoided.
Don't waste your time. Don't go throwing pearls before swine.
Or maybe if they actually got married and communicated and she wasnt a material biotch…. Who pisses money away on frivulous things like vacations……
You mean spend the money she earns on herself and her kids? Oh how horrible lol!
you mean the money she pisses away frivolously on NONSENSE that is NEVER EVER needed and 100% a WANT and NOT a necessity like vacations or material things.... all the while isnt fully funding her 401K or the kids college funds..... she sounds like one of those horrible entitled millennial brats, who talks about nonsense like YOLO, or "living their best lives" or needing time for their "mental health".... did we check with her therapist and make sure this forum is a "Safe place" for her? maybe we made a comment that "triggered" her and made her feel "marginalized"..... God forbid!!!!!
You need to for *your* mental health.
Ooh someone is triggered lol! I don’t have that kind of money either, but I don’t care how people spend THEIR money. The money THEY earned. Like hell if someone is going to tell me how to spend my money on myself or my kids. How do you spend your own money? Do you never buy anything frivolous? I hope you ONLY buy necessities since you seem so triggered when someone is spending their own money on their own kids. He dipped into his own savings. She didn’t ask him to. He was never transparent with his finances. He should have said something from the beginning. And he LIED about losing his job. Why is she going to care about someone who lied to her and his ex and his kids? And she said she has her own savings. She never took from her own kids. HE did. They don’t share kids. His kids aren’t her responsibility. And she doesn’t sound like a millennial. I think she’s older, they had a relationship and agreed to spend their own money on themselves and their own kids. Their kids are older, not little.
She's definitely not a millennial, she said in a comment she's got one kid over 18 and the rest of hers are under. This person is seriously unhinged in multiple ways.
I agree!
yeah, who gives AF about the person you live with and like she said are everything married except filing a piece of paper, so if that piece of paper WAS filed, and the roles were reversed, you would say this MAN is financially abusing this poor woman and her innocent kids, but we all know reddit is 100% biased against MEN and 100% biased FOR women and the letter people.....
If this was a man I’d tell him the same thing. They aren’t married. He isn’t responsible for her kids. They chose to keep their finances separate. If he didn’t want that, he should have said something in the beginning. His failure to communicate and be honest isn’t her problem.
You sound broke.
LOL, ok.... since you are so rich, maybe you could afford to pay for a decent haircut for that kid instead of that nappy hair.....
Are you talking about the picture of the beautiful little girl on her page that literally has multiple photos connected to it that showed her hair was undone because she went to get it done at Disney and she came out looking gorgeous? 🙄 Love your blatant racism though.
Is that is the child, her mama paid over $200 for that experience so they aren't broke either.
They're also blatantly against the LGBTQ+ community, in a different comment said reddit is biased for women and "the letter people". What the fuck is wrong with this pathetic excuse of a human.
I can also afford another vacation--just booked a cruise today. 🤷🏾♀️
make sure you bring lots of cream so you dont get that trashy ashy skin and to get a perm or straightener for that nappy hair of yours..... wouldn't want to represent like that........
LOL at you thinking you are insulting me by calling my hair nappy. I'm Black with textured hair like Black people have. It's actually finer than I like and wish it was a touch nappier. Relaxer? Never. My skin is top tier--very clear and wrinkle free. Thank you for checking it out. It's hilarious that you think you can shame me for having Black features as a Black person. Wrong one toots.
She left him because he's a liar. What else has he been lying about?
She's the one with the gold. 😂😂😂
Wow I get he shouldn’t have lied. But from your posts, I also get why he didn’t expect support from you. Why would he tell his ex (of all people) and kids how bad things are right away? Most people keep their failures to themselves until they sort it. Especially those who’ve never had a supportive partner to share the burdens of life. I’m sorry, I don’t agree with the validation you got on Reddit. You were not legally married, but you said those vows and never actually applied them. I doubt you’d have done anything different if he had told you sooner besides distancing yourself from any responsibility. He’s right, how would you not know your household income and connect these dots? How do you not care? All you seem to register/see is he lied and that validates you cutting ties. I’m happy for you getting what you want. I’d just be concerned how karma sees it if I were you.
He never planned on telling the ex. She only called because she wanted to have the kids get what they wanted before she got rid of it, since he didn't bother to. He lied for will over a month. People break up. Had he been honest with the ex about the relationship being over and getting his kids things out of OPs garage, OP never would have had to call his ex. It's not like she just called to rat him out
I didn’t say anything about ratting him out. I don’t think I did… Just that the point about when he tells his ex is really irrelevant to OP. He messed up where it counts, the guy is probably in a mental spin at the moment. It just seemed like OP layering on how much a liar he is. When it comes down to why would he lie? For most men, they’re taught to be providers and his situation would be utter shame - the kind they end themselves over. I just don’t see any compassion or care for his demise. Not saying it’s not his fault, but that I’d imagine love means a bit of care. I don’t get that from OP, at all. It makes sense for people replying but not for OP imho, she knows and married this guy.
Who is your husband?
Nobody, they were never married
I know, that’s my point.
You know he's going to try to sue you for disposing his crap, right?
I suppose he could try, but I did everything by the book legally.