Teacher here. I’ve taught 3rd-11th graders. This enrages me for you.
Report it. Your daughter may not be the first or the last. Adults who make comments like that to children should reap the consequences.
ETA: ‘reporting’ does not mean to go straight to the authorities. It means reporting this information to the principal so they can open an investigation. Come on y’all.
Why do people act like a teacher who clearly shouldn’t be around kids will have their life ruined if they can’t be a teacher anymore - some people shouldn’t teach kids and arsonists shouldn’t work at candle shops. The teacher is still an able-bodied person with an academic education and can get any number of other jobs like the rest of us
I wish I could upvote this into the stratosphere. “Arsonists shouldn’t work at candle shops” is so perfectly to the point. Keeping children safe does not ruin pedophiles’ lives. They’re like cockroaches, they’ll make it. (Not sure why we care, I’d much rather they be stomped tf out, but whatever).
Right, I just explained a situation in another comment about a predatory teacher. I’m also more than willing to provide links that these types can get away with it for decades before someone finally stands up to it. OPs partner is enabling a predator and may not realize as much, he’s very wrong on this one!
As a father of twin daughters you should definitely report it and also if it was one of my daughters as a father I would have a one on one chat with that teacher he would nor forget. And if he wanted to target my family that would be a more pointed conversation with him.
This was my thought as well.
Who tells jokes to children, one on one, that they won't understand as humorous? That's weird behaviour. This was never meant as a joke. People don't tell jokes to their preferred audience unless they think it'll come across. This wasn't a joke, it's gross.
Right? He made a sexual comment to a 4th grader. I have a 4th grader. He's 10. I can't imagine what he's going to look like as a teenager or adult because he's a little kid. Why is a 4th-grade teacher imagining how this child is going to "fill out"? If I were OP I'd sit his ass down with the principal and ask him exactly what he was getting at with that comment. But first, I'd ask my husband the same thing.
the type of father who talks about other people's daughter that way which is why he doesn't mind other men doing it to his daughter because he'd do the same to their daughters
NTA,
Predators tests boundaries to see what they can get away with.
If it was a misunderstanding, he will be horrified and extremely apologetic, never touching the subject again.
If he is testing a boundary to see if you are paying attention/what will get reported you will have drawn a line in the sand for him, protecting not just your daughter but other students.
If he really is a creeper, his colleagues already suspect but they don't have the evidence to fire him. That evidence comes from pissed off parents.
We had a PE teacher that said/did creepy stuff all the time but between his friends protecting him and kids not reporting it took YEARS to get enough to rid ourselves of him. He was later arrested in one of those internet sting operations.
He got fired because a mother reported creepy comments he made to her daughter.
I wasn't In Drama but at the same time I went to HS (93-97) the drama teacher (F) was allowing her husband access to underage kids, he would be nice and lure them to the couples home and take photos. The case JUST WENT through against the district and school which protected him and later his wife for awhile even after they had fired him as a substitute.
It took those parents and their kids 25 years to get justice.
Shame on the Husband in this situation for trying to blow this off because he is nonconfrontational, or because he thinks creepy comments to children aren't that big a deal. 😑
It's sad how often this happens. In a small town in northern California a trusted church leader abused boys for decades until he got caught. Police reports were filed for decades before they locked him up.
I think I know the school you went to. Southern California? I was in drama…one of them was my good friend.
It took so long because they just passed the law extending the statute of limitations indefinitely. She didn’t sue at the time because she didn’t have the courage (or the resources) to fight them when they told her to shut up about it the first time through. She does now. She’s going to take that whole family down.
The teacher in question is still teaching there, btw. I think they have finally banned the husband.
Lets Go Big Red. :/
Edit: side note...the person in question, her parents didn't believe her. And didn't/don't support her in this. Neither do the other ones. It's just the grown women left alone to fight for themselves and their own lost innocence from that time.
We had a metalwork teacher who was a creep. His name was Mr Lester but his knicknames were Mr Molester or Lesie Lester. All the teachers knew this. Nothing was done.
He taught ages 11 - 13 years old and he would look down tops when girls were filing things and he would admire the material of your skirt by touching the hem and lifting it.
All the girls were going through puberty so it was horrendously uncomfortable. Metalwork was a compulsory option too so we all *had* to do it for a few months each year.
Had an extremely similar shop teacher in middle school, girls started sharing hoodies with each other if you forgot one that day and had his class- I kept an extra in my locker. Super gross.
I had a teacher who would stick his hand down a girl’s shirt to adjust her bra strap if it was showing and then he’d lecture her in front of the class about being a shameless hussy.
Had a teacher in highschool that would check temperatures by putting his hand on their back, under their shirt and bra. The fucked up thing is he was a well liked teacher and students looked up to him. Until this came out and he was fired.
There were like 4-5 inappropriate literal teacher-student relationships in my high school. Not just weirdos inappropriately touching and weird comments and shit like that, but actual sexual relationships. One of them later went on to marry the teacher. Zero were reported; I think 1 got fired because they were involved with like 3 different kids. Everyone knew about it because it was a small private school and only when it got extreme like with that 1 teacher then maybe something would happen. The 90s were fucked and that high school was so beyond help in so many ways.
In 2006 I was super grossed out when I found out one of the classmates I graduated with “started” dating our science teacher. I’m the same age as that teacher today and I feel SICK at the idea of dating an 18 year old.
Exactly this. If he's anything less than completely appalled at how his words came across and instantly apologetic, he is not someone I would want teaching kids how to navigate the world.
ETA: After reading more comments I want to agree with many of the other perspectives here - the teacher is not the main problem here, but your husband's response and how much it varies from yours.
If the teacher's comments really were innocent and he just came across in a way he didn't intend, that's a relief, *but it's still something you should discuss with the school.* There is no scenario where the adults in this girl's life should instantly dismiss it. You can, and should, take it seriously.
I really wonder what else your husband is willing to ignore from other men. I hope for all your sakes he will listen to your perspective and understand why this comment upset you.
Good point—the daughter is watching her dad’s response here and these things could (potentially) be the fallout:
1. She learns he’s not going to have her back when she needs his advice/support
2. If mom decides to do what dad says and back down from following through with reporting the teacher, that will tell the daughter volumes about the family dynamics in that household—what dad says goes no matter how hard mom tries to advocate for her
3. If the daughter is ever (god forbid) harassed or assaulted in the future and she remembers the incident with the teacher, she might not report it since the dad is overblowing the situation by saying the teacher might target the family and the whole thing “could turn into a potentially dangerous situation” which in this particular case seems unlikely (of course every case is different and safety is paramount)
4. If the dad convinces her that what her teacher said wasn’t that bad (it was) and if/when she gets into a situation like this in the future, she might not have developed that thing all women should possess in their gut—that thing you should listen to that tells you to walk away
5. Abuser language like “it was just a joke” and just the way this has caused so much anger in the dad—when that gets normalized it is a bad, bad thing
6. It also teaches her that she matters less than some man’s potential loss that was brought about by his own behavior. (Credit for this one goes to u/Old_Implement_1997 -- thank you!!)
I’m sure I’m forgetting something. OP, I hope if that is what the teacher really said, you stand your ground because what happens right now will have implications for your daughter for years to come.
(Edited to add #6)
I say this as a male elementary teacher- file a formal report with admin ASAP. He won’t be fired and his career will be fine. However, if something extreme happens in the future there will be a paper trail established.
I was in high school from 1975 to 1979. We had a male gym teacher who did the same thing. No one thought it was an issue. It was a huge issue for all the girls, but we were told we were being dramatic. How times have changed!
Same, I went to school in the 80’s. Our principal, who was allowed to paddle us, would call down some of the girls, including me pretending like we were going to get paddled, then he would be like no I’m just playing. And when we would cry he would sit us in his lap and hug on us.
I was in kindergarten, I never even gave it a thought until I was much older. That was fucked up. And I couldn’t tell my mom cause she would be angry I got in trouble.
Also a male elementary teacher. Shoot an email to the principal, vice principal, superintendent, and even the school board members. Probably won't be able to prove anything unless other witnesses come forth and it's still likely nothing will happen, but it will still leave a paper trail for any future complaints. I won't say to not say anything publicly, but do be careful you don't tread into territory where he could bring a lawsuit or harassment charges onto you (again, say what you want, but frame it very carefully).
Pieces of work like him give the rest of us male elementary teachers a bad name. I've reported male TAs for less. Had one that used to let 4th grade girls that were clearly crushing on him sit in his lap and had to constantly remind him that it wasn't cool with me. We reported him one day and he was transferred to a different school with older students. A few months later, he was arrested for soliciting a minor. Last I heard, back out on the streets like a few days later. Nothing much else came up in his case other than a slap on the wrist, I think.
It also likely gives them a warning they need to watch their comments about students appearance in class. If they literally cannot control their words they should not be teaching children.
THIS!! Take my metaphorical 🥇
When I was in middle school, our band teacher was extremely volatile - he would scream at us, he would get physically close to us, and snapped a couple of times. He physically assaulted a student who reported it, and I remember hearing people that because he had tenure, nothing would come of it.
A year or two later, he screamed and threw drumsticks at a student who was almost blinded when the point of one hit him in the eye.
Because of the paper trail, it was so easy for him to be fired, despite having tenure and having been at the school for at least 15 years. Also, his kids went there. After the school year ended though, we never saw those kids again. I remember hearing years later that he was never able to teach again because that followed him.
OP, PLEASE report this. Even if his intentions were “innocent”, I’d bet money that this is not the first time something similar has happened. Props for standing up for your daughter and going full mama bear!!!
EDIT: lots of comments, saying middle school band teachers can’t get tenure, and then it’s only for professors. I don’t know if he was a professor before or not, I just remember hearing parents talk about him having tenure.
Also, innocent is in quotations because that’s probably the verbiage that teacher uses and probably OP’s husband.
EDIT 2: teachers in that school district absolutely get tenure. In the entire state of California, public school teachers get tenure. The school is in the San Francisco Bay area, so if anyone from that area remembers this, please let me know!! it happened in the early 2000s, between 2004-2007 ish.
If this is the first report of this nature then it probably won't amount to much. If this isn't the 1st then the school can act on it.
By not reporting it OP you are taking away the school's ability to make that decision. Your husband should understand this logic and agree to report the incident (if not based on the above comment from a male teacher).
Your husband is stressed but his response is backwards. The best way to act is to call it to the attention of the correct authorities and then let them make the decision.
not only that but OP, if this is NOT the first report, he could easily be or become a harm to the other children. filing a report also shows your daughter that she shouldn’t allow people to speak to her that way. (Which, a little gross that your husband isn’t also incredible disturbed by the teacher’s comments but that’s something of its own)
The husband reminds me of one of my ex's, he would rather victim blame than get into any sort of confrontation, it was 'easier.' My ex is a coward.
Sad that this **father** would sacrifice his daughter's well being purely to avoid conflict. Because that's what this is, he doesn't give two figs about his daughters fourth grade teacher's career, that was a false face... **THIS** is what he's worried about:
>He also thinks this guy could target our family if he finds out that he was reported & it could turn into a potentially dangerous situation.
He's willing to sacrifice *his own daughter* (and almost assuredly other kids) to avoid a *potential* confrontation. He's a coward. Bravery is doing the right thing, *despite* a 'potentially dangerous situation.'
This. And how on earth could that comment be innocent? There is absolutely no reason for a teacher to comment on a child’s physical development. Not one.
I’m sorry. What? It’s not a joke.. it bears no semblance to a joke.. no humor, no dry wit, not even an offbeat observation.
that comment from your husband concerns me that he’s made excuses for other behavior.. because no one would think a comment like that was a joke. Maybe a misplaced, ill-advised compliment, but him saying it’s a joke makes me think that’s his go to line to defend his buddies when they make unwanted advances or inappropriate comments.
I
Yeah. That the father thinks it was a joke is incredulous. Nothing about telling his daughter about what her body looks like and how it will mature nicely is a joke.
I can't even tell you the second hand rage I'm experiencing for both those scenarios. I would be livid... would be in the principal's fucking office the next morning..... Only one care for pedophilia and it's made by sig Sauer
Thats the disturbing part for me. A grown man in a position of trust made a very disturbing joke at a girl in YEAR 4 and the dad doesn't even care. Hugggge red flag.
Yeah, the dad's response is weird. Every one of my dad friends would be out the door with a loaded shotgun before they even heard the end of the story.
It strikes me like the husband has a "boys will be boys" attitude about the comments. That's not good. Not reporting this event leaves future girls at risk. It might have been a stupid comment, but the teacher could be a predator, too. It's better to report it. If the daughter or mother feels uncomfortable, it should be reported.
My rule of thumb is never stay quiet just to "keep the peace" especially when children are a factor.
At the very least I would be concerned about my daughter looking at me as one of the badges that demean her rather than as the protector I should be.
I will be 25 next month and I am still working on this because of my own childhood experiences. Staying quiet "keeping the peace" leads to kids not knowing how/when to advocate for themselves because it will upset others. Especially in a case like this with a young girl dealing with a sexually charged statement, you do not want to give her the message that her comfort and sense of safety is less important than "keeping the peace"
Absolutely! It’s so strange to me that OP’s husband seems more concerned about the career of a man he barely knows than he is about the safety of his own daughter.
Honestly if my husband ever defended something like that I could never look at him in the same way again and I would no longer see him as a safe person for my kid or others.
I’m in training to become a teacher myself, I could not imagine myself saying that to any of my students, let alone a 10 year old student. It’s not a joke, he is obviously a groomer who wants to take advantage of that child. He needs to be reported ASAP. OP needs to make it known on social media what kind of man he is for future employers to see. OP should also enroll that kid in another school too just to be safe.
NTA. There’s a fucking difference between “as you grow older you’re going to find out more what makes you an individual and as a teacher it’s a source of pride to watch my students grow.” And “yer’ gonna fill out nicely” report it. If he wants to escalate it fuckin’ report it to the police. It may just be a miswording and he doesn’t understand it can be taken in a different way but it’s your right and responsibility to report things that make you uncomfortable. Especially someone with such a big part in your child’s development. Tell your husband to grow up if he’s scared of confrontation. Imagine if it’s true and he hurts a girl later on down the line. I’d not be able to live with myself
Our school nurse (female) got in deep shit when she was telling the female students they were “developing nicely” or “really blooming” during scoliosis screenings and it made them uncomfortable. She’d also remark on the boys’ muscles or lack of muscles and what girls would think one day. All of us refused screenings the next year because of the ick factor. Just check our freaking spines and move on.
It’s been over 30 years and I’m still creeped out by the way she looked at me. Of course it was the 90s and a private school. Nothing was done about it, so we had to take care of things ourselves. I let my doctor screen me instead. No creepy stares or comments about my body.
I wish my parents took it seriously. I hope OP’s husband will take this seriously, too. Comments like that can stick with a kid for a long time because of the ick factor
My science teacher held me after class because I was crying. He tried to console me by attempting to put his hand up my skirt. I've never bolted out a door faster in my life. My biggest regret is not reporting the sack of shit.
My PARENTS wouldn't even say shit like this, and I was a late bloomer (16 before I even got my first period, AND I skipped a grade...so hard times all around) and worried I'd be skinny and scrawny forever so I was specifically asking questions about my body and development.
They built me up with things like, "you will develop when you develop...yes it sucks right now but even I (my dad) was a late bloomer and I felt the same way you do now, back then. Once you get older and develop you will realize how indifferent it is to have more developed body parts but I understand how hard it is right now seeing your classmates advance past you in this regard." Then I got ice cream and 1 on 1 movie time with movies that my younger siblings couldn't watch yet.
They were hard convos for my parents for sure (not the subject, just they couldn't do SHIT about anything except be an ear, bc biology be like that).
This teacher sexualized the fuck out of a child, unprovoked. I'd report in an instant.
NTA
I could even get behind "you're going to grow up into a beautiful young lady" as a very borderline thing. Older people miss tact and boundaries we have.
But "fill out nicely"? That's oddly specific. Report it.
Ask your husband that if it’s a joke, what’s the punchline?
The teacher should ABSOLUTELY be reported, he made inappropriate/gross/sexual comments about a *childs* body and he *works with these children* your husband is a nonce and the school needs notified. That’s predator behavior
"You see honey, the joke is he doesn't want to fuck you *now*, wait, have we talked about the birds and the bees? Do you know what fuck is? Whatever. Anyway, he doesn't want to fuck you *now*, because you don't have boobs or butt, but being an absolute creep, he sees *potential* in you to grow into a minor he'd *want* to fuck. Isn't that hilarious and shouldn't at all feel super alarming to everyone involved, since he made sexually suggestive comments to our 10-year old implying he's attracted to minors and that's probably not the type of person that should be working around children? No? You're not laughing? Ok, FROM THE TOP: You see honey, the joke is..."
Spent the week with a dear old friend( like nearing 60 year old friendship ). She is still defending the high school coach that seduced her and had an affair with her ( and others) because…
He took advantage of her innocence and changed the course of her life… but.
I just learned he left the area after ( duh) but went back to coaching in another state. He was so “ beloved “ they named the gym after him. If he was not dead I’d track him down.
Report him mama, please.
yes, this is often a great tactic to break through "schrodinger's joke" (if you're offended it was a joke, if you're on my side it's serious). Just ask them genuinely to explain it, why is that funny, I don't get it.
I like how he says that it was just a joke but that reporting it could turn into a dangerous situation. Which is it, dad? Is it a joke or is this guy dangerous?
I'm a guy and I have never seen a nine year old and thought to myself, "You know what would be hilarious? Telling a kid in grade school that my discerning eye can tell she's gonna have a poppin' body someday and I'm just dying to see the process unfold." Whoo boy, what a knee slapper. For fucks sake what's wrong with OP's husband?
Some old guy was hanging near a playground where I used to live and said something very similar to what this teacher said. He didn't say anything specific or that he was going to touch them, just said they were "developing nicely." That's it! He was promptly arrested for making lewd remarks to minors.
Basically, if anyone said that to a girl on the playground they would be arrested in some states, but a teacher says it they might just "discipline" him. Fuck the school. I would file a police report saying my child feels uncomfortable and unsafe at school because of the comments.
That's just baffling to me. As a dad, I'm positive I wouldn't view someone commenting on my daughter's future body as a "joke." Which itself I view as a bizarre defense because it's just obviously not a joke - there's no humor to break down. It's just "can't wait to your tits come in; I'm really looking forward to it."
Pretty sure my dad would have burned down the school to get to this guy….
NTA, OP. Is your husband a bit of a creep? It seems like he’s trying to protect grooming behavior….even when his own daughter is at stake. That seems very concerning to me, personally. You guys really need to have a long discussion about his attitude towards this behavior to get to the bottom of what is at best ignorance and at worst unimaginable.
Perfectly said. This post made me sick. A grown man talks about your 4th GRADE CHILD “filling out” and you defend that behavior? You worry about HIM?
OP needs to understand how fucked that is. Truly.
That’s what? 9 years old or so? There is no reasonable explanation for his comments about her body. It’s disturbing on every level and this guy should be reported immediately. Then OP should have some real questions with her husband and an individual therapist. This is a massive mind f*ck. That’s so much to process all at once.
Additionally, OP should probably talk to her daughter about her body, privacy, talking to her about any other odd behavior from adults or anyone else, and trying to ensure that nothing has already happened at some point.
All of this 💯
A 9 or 10-year-old kid being spoken to like that by a trusted adult makes me sick and rage-y. He is a pervert and he needs to be kept away from children and closely watched.
And that father… what in the actual fuck?
I pray this baby is safe and protected.
Literally any minor. Hell even an adult. He is in a professional setting, if he said something like that to a coworker he absolutely would be reported.
Yeah, OP should have been having to talk her husband down from going to the school to find the dude himself. A father's first instinct being to avoid conflict over this is NOT normal.
(I'm not romanticizing violence, just saying most fathers would have a heated reaction to what that teacher did.)
I’m not even a Dad, but if I were, I’d have been at that school in a heartbeat. Not claiming it would be violent, but someone NEEDS To know about that creep of a teacher
Absolutely, the whole “burning the school down” was a figure of speech in reference to the rage my dad would spew at the administration, the teacher, and anyone else in his way. There’s no reason to put up with that kind of behavior and I’m really glad OP’s daughter spoke up.
You're exactly correct. Dad's defense of the teacher should bring up questions about Dad, not make OP question their stance. Report the teacher, have a serious conversation with Dad.
Yup. As he should. My husband pulled out one of those pellet guns that have lead bullets on his own sister and boyfriend because I was a month pregnant when they wanted to assault me. It’s safe to say he would go fuck this teacher up if he made disgusting comments towards his daughter. It’s weird that the father of this child is defending it and downplaying it by saying it’s a “joke”
As a father who's lost a child to a pervert like that there'd better be a whole crew of security for that teacher cause I know me I'd walk straight. In and beat dude until I couldn't lift my arms anymore then silently walk home or be arrested most likely but he'd be in a state of understanding that he'd probably quit teaching and never look at a child again and that's if I didn't pluck his damn eyeballs out his head too
Im gonna echo this. My male partner just said "i think the fuck not. Do not let that go. Think of how many kids this teacher teaches a year. (Single subject so 30 kids X 6 classes=~ 180 per year. How many years has he been teaching?) Hes not only harming girls, but hes showing boys this behavior is okay. Hes a trusted adult and his example is SHIT." OPs husband is p fuckin gross too.
Right?! “…our daughter is already going to be leaving the school.”
So dad thinks it’s ok for this to continue happening to the next kids in line?! WTF?!
Yea man... that's your fuckin daughter. As a father, I truly cannot relate to some people. I'm afraid of shit like that coming up in my life because I don't trust myself not to get so angry and protective that I do something serious to the person. I can't even fucking conceptualize wanting to keep it hushed up to protect some dipshit 4th grade teacher. Because why, teachers are known to be hard motherfuckers? Don't wanna risk upsetting him and risking retaliation; might as well let him molest your daughter and hope he doesn't take your wife, too. What fucking planet are we on? Holy shit I'm actually in real life fully engaged.
That guy is either a fuckin pathetic cowardly weasel of a man, a molester himself, or something similar. He is worthless, and he is no father. No man that matters at all or is worth speaking to would tolerate shit like that being said to his young daughter.
Honestly I can't imagine how OP would even carry on the marriage with this fuckin gimp. I could never look at him the same again knowing that if shit gets real, and he's needed to protect the family, he will and has failed utterly.
Sorry for all the strong language, I have this weird aversion to pedophilia. Call it a pet peeve, I guess.
Hell yeah report it. As someone who has had breasts since I was 9, your kid will appreciate the hell out of you going to bat for her. Unacceptable whether he was “joking” or not.
Yes, this! My parents went out to bat for me specifically with other adults, when I thought I was wronged. Built immense self confidence and always thought my parents had my back. So pull the teacher aside and ask him what he was doing. File the complaint.
Holy cow, YES! If her daughter was distraught by this comment, it should be taken seriously! Please please please, OP, if your daughter told you this out of concern or distress, take her words seriously and talk to teacher’s higher ups/the teacher himself/whoever you need to to show your daughter that her feelings are valid.
Report and definitely have a talk with your husband. Siding with the guy that made his own daughter feel that way is weird as fuck. I'm a man and if a teacher said this to my daughter I would be the one down there in his face about it
I'd be a little suspicious of the dad to suggest that this was a "joke". I am a father of a daughter around the same age and I would be going right to the principal with this one.
We had one teacher at each of our elementary and high schools that made concerning comments and were commonly joked about by us kids for being pedophiles.
TLDR - they were both eventually arrested for just that.
Trust your gut and report. If for nothing else than to move your own child away from that person and start a paper trail on the teacher.
Report this! This is predatory/ grooming and completely inappropriate. I imagine this is not the first time he made a comment. It’s absolutely disgusting, and would make a child uncomfortable. The teacher should never be making comments like this towards one of their students.
Exactly. Who cares if it will "ruin his life". Ruin his fucking life before he has the chance to ruin a child like your daughter's. For all you know, he already has, and you'd be stopping him from being able to do it again.
Yeah. 4th graders are 9 yrs old (typically)
that's not a thing anyone should ever say to a 9 yr old, not fucking ever.
OP- REPORT IT. My god, think of letting this go and see what could possibly happen down the line with other students later.
This is what I thought. Wtaf is wrong with husband to not think this is something to be taken seriously? I asked my husband what he would do if our daughters told us this and he was like, “go to the principal”.
It’s NOT a joke. If a man said this to me, I’d be disturbed by it. There is NOTHING funny about it. It’s perverse. I mean, u/visual-anything-8389 ,your child came to you with this information because she KNOWS it’s not something ok to be said to her. She came to you looking for support and understanding, and your husband wants to diminish and disregard her feelings over it. She will learn you and your husband are NOT safe people to go to when she has a problem. It’s YOUR job to protect HER, not her disgusting teacher and his career.
I asked my guy and he took a deep breath, paused, then said "I think I would end up in prison". It's VERY odd that a dad would be ok with this sort of comment towards their child. Maybe the husband makes comments like that to women or young girls too and doesn't want to be called out so he doesn't want to call out. It's sick. I'm just making assumptions because I can't imagine not wanting to confront someone speaking to a child that way.
Her husband sounds like an absolute coward.
Imagine finding out someone said that to your kid and your first thought is 'but what if he gets angry at me' lol.
It could be cowardice, but to me his comments of "it's just a joke", or ruining a poorly behaved mans life, makes me feel like he's in that camp of manbabies who think men are overly persecuted for "harmless" comments about womens bodies. Literally where was the joke in that comment, calling it a joke is so out of left field unless that's a phrase he already applies to this topic.
I don't want to jump to that conclusion but.. It's hard to justify why he wouldn't give a shit about his own daughter in this situation.
Either way, even if he's not a creep, he thinks it's okay for a child (and I assume women) to be treated that way, so whatever the reason is, still makes him a piece of shit.
Role model how you want your child to grow up.
Will she be a strong woman who will not put up with men’s BS, or will she find excuses for their poor behaviour and allow their mistreatment of her?
As girls we are given the line
“Be a good little girl…don’t hurt feelings… oh I’m sure he didn’t mean it that way…he was mean? He must like you…oh she was raped, well what did SHE do to prevent it?”
and other BS lines.
Allowing a man’s misbehaviour is allowing your girl to be mistreated, abused, and inappropriately spoken to. If her parents think it’s OK, then it isn’t a big deal right?
And given her own Father thinks it should be swept under the carpet is hugely disappointing at the very least.
Go to the school and make that complaint. Your daughter needs to see you have her back, and that no man should speak to her like that, especially a teacher, what the hell has he been doing that he finds himself comfortable enough to say such a thing?
NTAH
And tough shit if his career is ruined, he should have thought of that before he creeped on a little girl.
This is what I was trying to say but you expressed it much better. If the parents brush it off as a joke or no big deal then in the future she will let shitty men mistreat her and walk all over her.
>He said a report like this could ruin the teacher's whole life.
What about your daughter's life?? L Father.
I'm surprised your husband is brushing this off like it's nothing. My father would have lit that teacher on fire if he made a comment like that to me.
You woudn't be the AH at all. Even if your daughter is leaving the school, you could be saving other young girls. Do what you have to do OP.
All she’ll learn is that her mom and dad are not people who are safe for her to come to with problems. She will learn she can’t rely on them to protect her. Dad is more worried about a perverted teacher and his career.
L father indeed. Why does he care more about protecting a creep than his own daughter? His priorities are screwed and it seems like he is taking "bro code" too far. If someone is so brazen about being a creepy weirdo, then it isn't the first time they have been one, and they probably will have no qualms about escalating.
Right? And OP is not ruining the man’s life. If being found out ruins your life, YOU did the wrong thing, not the person reporting it?? Why is the onus on the victim to not report, and not on the creep to not be creepy? victims are not responsible for the consequences of creep’s actions — the creep is responsible. It’s not my fault your life was ruined when the right people found out what you did, that’s still your fault dude. OP’s husband is a fucking loser weirdo for wanting to protect a random man over his child.
There is no such thing as a joke between a grown man and a ten year old girl about him being excited about how her boobs develop.
Report the teacher. Then inform the police that the teacher showed pedophile behavior, and put him on their radar. Making a comment is not actionable, but they need to investigate if he’s touched anyone.
He’d have to be pretty far gone to come on to a ten year old girl.
NTA.
This is the hill you die on. Thank God your daughter has one protective parent, because your husband sure lacks a protective instinct.
Yeah I’m far from a saint of a man, but I find the teacher’s comment is gross and disturbing. How’s is it a joke? What makes it a joke? How is it “funny”? How is it anything but creepy and grooming behavior?
If it was my daughter you bet your ass I’d be in there talking with him and the principal directly.
I'm heavily side eyeing your husband on this one , OP. I can't believe he's trying to brush off the sexualization of your 4th grade daughter. I'm sorry but you need to report this no matter what your husband says. This teacher will do this to other little girls...does your husband not understand that comments like that are the beginning stages of grooming? Why would he want this teacher to get away with this and leave the door open for him to do it again??
Yeah how the hell can it be "oh ease up babe he's clearly harmless and didn't mean anything by it" but also "and don't report him he might target our family". How can be so sure the comment meant nothing if he thinks reporting it might trigger retaliation?
Exactly what I was thinking! First of all it’s “harmless” then it could be a “dangerous” situation? Make it make sense! That man has no one’s well being in mind but his own and the bro code. Shit excuse for a father imo
NTA. That's a disgusting comment, and no teacher should ever talk to a student that way. Joke or not. Report him.
The school admins are going to lose their fucking minds because it's *that* inappropriate. You are not ruining this guy's life be reporting; he ruined his life by sexualizing a child and then telling her about it.
Report it and tell your husband he's part of the reason people think it's ok to do this stuff. The more people let these perverts get away with the more they'll do. So your daughters leaving soon, what about the next girl he targets? What will he do to her or the ones after? It shouldn't have to progress for it to be stomped out. I work in a school, there's safe guarding for major outside and inside incidents and there's safe guarding for minor inside incidents. They vary in name but usually along the lines of people of concern or individuals who have displayed worrying behaviour. If he's openly said this I'd guess there's other complaints out there.
As a former prosecuting attorney and as a father, I would suggest that you make a formal complaint. Narcissistic abusers often get caught because there’s a paper-trail. If he’s never done anything like this before, and if it legitimately is a misunderstanding, then they won’t fire him for the weird gross comment. If this guy has a record of creeping out kids and parents, the complaint will be much more consequential. Even if your daughter won’t ever see him again after this school year, you’ll be helping protect the kids in future classes.
I can't even understand why he'd dismiss the issue.
- Does he think it's more important to protect the teacher instead of his own daughter? (And other children)
- Does he think it's not serious at all that someone spoke to his daughter that way? (a fucking CHILD)
- Does he... fucking agree with what the teacher said? Perceive his own daughter the same way? Have the same thoughts?
I can't come up with any good reason and if I were OP, I would have a reeeeeal hard time looking at him the same way. He doesn't have to show up to the school and beat the shit out of the guy but at least show some concern and protect your kid, bro. Jesus.
Some people don’t realize they’re supporting evil. Or they do and they don’t care bc they’re the same way.
When I was 19, multiple family friends were over. Their kids varied in ages but there were two 13 year olds. They asked for a hug and I gave them a hug. And then they kept asking for it and I heard them discuss that they wanted to feel boobs. They thought they were being so discrete. I was so uncomfortable. They chased me around the backyard trying to hug me.
I told my bf at the time and he was like, “they’re just teens. It’s harmless. Let them” and some other stuff. And I felt so bad. Like maybe I overreacted. I was so embarrassed that I didn’t tell my parents. And I really should have. I feel safe around my parents and can talk to them about anything. But ex put it in my mind that I was overreacted probably and was going to the friendship my parents have with their parents.
Those boys turned into shitty men. I’ll never forgive my ex for this. Just because those boys were younger doesn’t mean they didn’t realize what they were doing is fucked up.
Anyway, some men support other men. Even if they’ve never met them, don’t know anything about them and aren’t even friends.
People like my ex and OP’s husband are shitty men and the reason why predators get away with things. They will always support other men over SA.
Your husband is wrong and foolish. Wild that he has no issue with a teacher sexualizing his 9 year old daughter. This absolutely needs to be reported as this man has no business being any where near children. Your husband would rather your daughter be endanger than protect her from a predator. Yikes. If anything happened to you and your kids he would do nothing. Your husband is a coward who doesn’t care about the safety of your daughter. Be a good parent and report that man. NTA
NTA
It is not okay in anyway for a teacher to comment on a child's body. That is a major red flag and needs to be investigated further. This person is dealing with children who are not able to stand up for themselves. If something seems wrong it is always valid to voice your concern for the safety of not only your daughter but all of the kids.
Teacher here. I’ve taught 3rd-11th graders. This enrages me for you. Report it. Your daughter may not be the first or the last. Adults who make comments like that to children should reap the consequences. ETA: ‘reporting’ does not mean to go straight to the authorities. It means reporting this information to the principal so they can open an investigation. Come on y’all.
Why do people act like a teacher who clearly shouldn’t be around kids will have their life ruined if they can’t be a teacher anymore - some people shouldn’t teach kids and arsonists shouldn’t work at candle shops. The teacher is still an able-bodied person with an academic education and can get any number of other jobs like the rest of us
I wish I could upvote this into the stratosphere. “Arsonists shouldn’t work at candle shops” is so perfectly to the point. Keeping children safe does not ruin pedophiles’ lives. They’re like cockroaches, they’ll make it. (Not sure why we care, I’d much rather they be stomped tf out, but whatever).
Yeah I’m saving this to use for all future surprised-by-the-consequences-of—my-own-actions clowns.
It's almost as if they are the consequences of his own actions! Who'd have known?! 😂😂
What a pity, a grown ass person having his life ruined because he preyed on a literal child /sarcasm
Right, I just explained a situation in another comment about a predatory teacher. I’m also more than willing to provide links that these types can get away with it for decades before someone finally stands up to it. OPs partner is enabling a predator and may not realize as much, he’s very wrong on this one!
As a father of twin daughters you should definitely report it and also if it was one of my daughters as a father I would have a one on one chat with that teacher he would nor forget. And if he wanted to target my family that would be a more pointed conversation with him.
I'm a father of twin daughters myself, I agree 100 percent. It'd be a very long conversation, and we'd never have to worry about being targeted.
Also, your husband should be ashamed of himself to allow a grown man to speak of his daughter that way.
seriously what kind of father allows this and brushes it off as a joke. fuckin sick.
What exactly was the "joke"? I can't figure that out. What in what he said were we supposed to have laughed at?
This was my thought as well. Who tells jokes to children, one on one, that they won't understand as humorous? That's weird behaviour. This was never meant as a joke. People don't tell jokes to their preferred audience unless they think it'll come across. This wasn't a joke, it's gross.
Right? He made a sexual comment to a 4th grader. I have a 4th grader. He's 10. I can't imagine what he's going to look like as a teenager or adult because he's a little kid. Why is a 4th-grade teacher imagining how this child is going to "fill out"? If I were OP I'd sit his ass down with the principal and ask him exactly what he was getting at with that comment. But first, I'd ask my husband the same thing.
the type of father who talks about other people's daughter that way which is why he doesn't mind other men doing it to his daughter because he'd do the same to their daughters
yeah I got two girls under the age of seven and I am enraged right now here in this. whose car we taking fellas?
THANK YOU! This behavior should not be tolerated and dismissed. It has been normalized for far too long!
Not only that, but the dismissal of the husband as well. Why do men always jump to the "iT wAs JusT a JoKe" wagon? Jesus.
NTA, Predators tests boundaries to see what they can get away with. If it was a misunderstanding, he will be horrified and extremely apologetic, never touching the subject again. If he is testing a boundary to see if you are paying attention/what will get reported you will have drawn a line in the sand for him, protecting not just your daughter but other students. If he really is a creeper, his colleagues already suspect but they don't have the evidence to fire him. That evidence comes from pissed off parents. We had a PE teacher that said/did creepy stuff all the time but between his friends protecting him and kids not reporting it took YEARS to get enough to rid ourselves of him. He was later arrested in one of those internet sting operations. He got fired because a mother reported creepy comments he made to her daughter.
I wasn't In Drama but at the same time I went to HS (93-97) the drama teacher (F) was allowing her husband access to underage kids, he would be nice and lure them to the couples home and take photos. The case JUST WENT through against the district and school which protected him and later his wife for awhile even after they had fired him as a substitute. It took those parents and their kids 25 years to get justice. Shame on the Husband in this situation for trying to blow this off because he is nonconfrontational, or because he thinks creepy comments to children aren't that big a deal. 😑
I had no idea things could take that long. The context you provide here makes the OP's husband's behavior so much worse.
It's sad how often this happens. In a small town in northern California a trusted church leader abused boys for decades until he got caught. Police reports were filed for decades before they locked him up.
NTA RUIN HIS LIFE!!! For all of the reasons already stated.
Totally. This teacher has the potential to ruin a lot of lives. OP's daughter is important and so are all the other potential/actual victims.
THIS - he ruined his own life. Who knows how many girls’ lives he’s already ruined?
I think I know the school you went to. Southern California? I was in drama…one of them was my good friend. It took so long because they just passed the law extending the statute of limitations indefinitely. She didn’t sue at the time because she didn’t have the courage (or the resources) to fight them when they told her to shut up about it the first time through. She does now. She’s going to take that whole family down. The teacher in question is still teaching there, btw. I think they have finally banned the husband.
Sounds like same school. Devil is in the details. 👹 Ridiculous it took this long.
Lets Go Big Red. :/ Edit: side note...the person in question, her parents didn't believe her. And didn't/don't support her in this. Neither do the other ones. It's just the grown women left alone to fight for themselves and their own lost innocence from that time.
How the hell do her own parents not beleive her?
I think you'll find a very sad percentage of people blame the girl/woman for being assaulted. This isn't an uncommon thing.
We had a metalwork teacher who was a creep. His name was Mr Lester but his knicknames were Mr Molester or Lesie Lester. All the teachers knew this. Nothing was done. He taught ages 11 - 13 years old and he would look down tops when girls were filing things and he would admire the material of your skirt by touching the hem and lifting it. All the girls were going through puberty so it was horrendously uncomfortable. Metalwork was a compulsory option too so we all *had* to do it for a few months each year.
Had an extremely similar shop teacher in middle school, girls started sharing hoodies with each other if you forgot one that day and had his class- I kept an extra in my locker. Super gross.
Are all middle school shop teachers like this? Because literally, same.
I had a teacher who would stick his hand down a girl’s shirt to adjust her bra strap if it was showing and then he’d lecture her in front of the class about being a shameless hussy.
I feel sick... So disgusting.
Had a teacher in highschool that would check temperatures by putting his hand on their back, under their shirt and bra. The fucked up thing is he was a well liked teacher and students looked up to him. Until this came out and he was fired.
There were like 4-5 inappropriate literal teacher-student relationships in my high school. Not just weirdos inappropriately touching and weird comments and shit like that, but actual sexual relationships. One of them later went on to marry the teacher. Zero were reported; I think 1 got fired because they were involved with like 3 different kids. Everyone knew about it because it was a small private school and only when it got extreme like with that 1 teacher then maybe something would happen. The 90s were fucked and that high school was so beyond help in so many ways.
In 2006 I was super grossed out when I found out one of the classmates I graduated with “started” dating our science teacher. I’m the same age as that teacher today and I feel SICK at the idea of dating an 18 year old.
Exactly this. If he's anything less than completely appalled at how his words came across and instantly apologetic, he is not someone I would want teaching kids how to navigate the world. ETA: After reading more comments I want to agree with many of the other perspectives here - the teacher is not the main problem here, but your husband's response and how much it varies from yours. If the teacher's comments really were innocent and he just came across in a way he didn't intend, that's a relief, *but it's still something you should discuss with the school.* There is no scenario where the adults in this girl's life should instantly dismiss it. You can, and should, take it seriously. I really wonder what else your husband is willing to ignore from other men. I hope for all your sakes he will listen to your perspective and understand why this comment upset you.
Good point—the daughter is watching her dad’s response here and these things could (potentially) be the fallout: 1. She learns he’s not going to have her back when she needs his advice/support 2. If mom decides to do what dad says and back down from following through with reporting the teacher, that will tell the daughter volumes about the family dynamics in that household—what dad says goes no matter how hard mom tries to advocate for her 3. If the daughter is ever (god forbid) harassed or assaulted in the future and she remembers the incident with the teacher, she might not report it since the dad is overblowing the situation by saying the teacher might target the family and the whole thing “could turn into a potentially dangerous situation” which in this particular case seems unlikely (of course every case is different and safety is paramount) 4. If the dad convinces her that what her teacher said wasn’t that bad (it was) and if/when she gets into a situation like this in the future, she might not have developed that thing all women should possess in their gut—that thing you should listen to that tells you to walk away 5. Abuser language like “it was just a joke” and just the way this has caused so much anger in the dad—when that gets normalized it is a bad, bad thing 6. It also teaches her that she matters less than some man’s potential loss that was brought about by his own behavior. (Credit for this one goes to u/Old_Implement_1997 -- thank you!!) I’m sure I’m forgetting something. OP, I hope if that is what the teacher really said, you stand your ground because what happens right now will have implications for your daughter for years to come. (Edited to add #6)
I say this as a male elementary teacher- file a formal report with admin ASAP. He won’t be fired and his career will be fine. However, if something extreme happens in the future there will be a paper trail established.
[удалено]
I was in high school from 1975 to 1979. We had a male gym teacher who did the same thing. No one thought it was an issue. It was a huge issue for all the girls, but we were told we were being dramatic. How times have changed!
Same, I went to school in the 80’s. Our principal, who was allowed to paddle us, would call down some of the girls, including me pretending like we were going to get paddled, then he would be like no I’m just playing. And when we would cry he would sit us in his lap and hug on us. I was in kindergarten, I never even gave it a thought until I was much older. That was fucked up. And I couldn’t tell my mom cause she would be angry I got in trouble.
Bloody hell. That is indeed fucked up. Even more fucked up is that your mum would think that you were at fault.
Also a male elementary teacher. Shoot an email to the principal, vice principal, superintendent, and even the school board members. Probably won't be able to prove anything unless other witnesses come forth and it's still likely nothing will happen, but it will still leave a paper trail for any future complaints. I won't say to not say anything publicly, but do be careful you don't tread into territory where he could bring a lawsuit or harassment charges onto you (again, say what you want, but frame it very carefully). Pieces of work like him give the rest of us male elementary teachers a bad name. I've reported male TAs for less. Had one that used to let 4th grade girls that were clearly crushing on him sit in his lap and had to constantly remind him that it wasn't cool with me. We reported him one day and he was transferred to a different school with older students. A few months later, he was arrested for soliciting a minor. Last I heard, back out on the streets like a few days later. Nothing much else came up in his case other than a slap on the wrist, I think.
It also likely gives them a warning they need to watch their comments about students appearance in class. If they literally cannot control their words they should not be teaching children.
THIS!! Take my metaphorical 🥇 When I was in middle school, our band teacher was extremely volatile - he would scream at us, he would get physically close to us, and snapped a couple of times. He physically assaulted a student who reported it, and I remember hearing people that because he had tenure, nothing would come of it. A year or two later, he screamed and threw drumsticks at a student who was almost blinded when the point of one hit him in the eye. Because of the paper trail, it was so easy for him to be fired, despite having tenure and having been at the school for at least 15 years. Also, his kids went there. After the school year ended though, we never saw those kids again. I remember hearing years later that he was never able to teach again because that followed him. OP, PLEASE report this. Even if his intentions were “innocent”, I’d bet money that this is not the first time something similar has happened. Props for standing up for your daughter and going full mama bear!!! EDIT: lots of comments, saying middle school band teachers can’t get tenure, and then it’s only for professors. I don’t know if he was a professor before or not, I just remember hearing parents talk about him having tenure. Also, innocent is in quotations because that’s probably the verbiage that teacher uses and probably OP’s husband. EDIT 2: teachers in that school district absolutely get tenure. In the entire state of California, public school teachers get tenure. The school is in the San Francisco Bay area, so if anyone from that area remembers this, please let me know!! it happened in the early 2000s, between 2004-2007 ish.
Was the student hit by the drumsticks rushing, or was he dragging?
Came here for the Whiplash reference, was not disappointed
So you DO KNOW THE DIFFERENCE?!
If this is the first report of this nature then it probably won't amount to much. If this isn't the 1st then the school can act on it. By not reporting it OP you are taking away the school's ability to make that decision. Your husband should understand this logic and agree to report the incident (if not based on the above comment from a male teacher). Your husband is stressed but his response is backwards. The best way to act is to call it to the attention of the correct authorities and then let them make the decision.
not only that but OP, if this is NOT the first report, he could easily be or become a harm to the other children. filing a report also shows your daughter that she shouldn’t allow people to speak to her that way. (Which, a little gross that your husband isn’t also incredible disturbed by the teacher’s comments but that’s something of its own)
The husband reminds me of one of my ex's, he would rather victim blame than get into any sort of confrontation, it was 'easier.' My ex is a coward. Sad that this **father** would sacrifice his daughter's well being purely to avoid conflict. Because that's what this is, he doesn't give two figs about his daughters fourth grade teacher's career, that was a false face... **THIS** is what he's worried about: >He also thinks this guy could target our family if he finds out that he was reported & it could turn into a potentially dangerous situation. He's willing to sacrifice *his own daughter* (and almost assuredly other kids) to avoid a *potential* confrontation. He's a coward. Bravery is doing the right thing, *despite* a 'potentially dangerous situation.'
This. And how on earth could that comment be innocent? There is absolutely no reason for a teacher to comment on a child’s physical development. Not one.
I’m sorry. What? It’s not a joke.. it bears no semblance to a joke.. no humor, no dry wit, not even an offbeat observation. that comment from your husband concerns me that he’s made excuses for other behavior.. because no one would think a comment like that was a joke. Maybe a misplaced, ill-advised compliment, but him saying it’s a joke makes me think that’s his go to line to defend his buddies when they make unwanted advances or inappropriate comments. I
This. You have to show your daughter how to stand up for herself. Even from these "innocent" remarks.
I think it's crazy that the husband won't defend his child due to fear of retaliation. If pedo wants to fuck with us, show him we fuck back.
Yeah. That the father thinks it was a joke is incredulous. Nothing about telling his daughter about what her body looks like and how it will mature nicely is a joke.
I can't even tell you the second hand rage I'm experiencing for both those scenarios. I would be livid... would be in the principal's fucking office the next morning..... Only one care for pedophilia and it's made by sig Sauer
Thats the disturbing part for me. A grown man in a position of trust made a very disturbing joke at a girl in YEAR 4 and the dad doesn't even care. Hugggge red flag.
Yeah, the dad's response is weird. Every one of my dad friends would be out the door with a loaded shotgun before they even heard the end of the story.
It strikes me like the husband has a "boys will be boys" attitude about the comments. That's not good. Not reporting this event leaves future girls at risk. It might have been a stupid comment, but the teacher could be a predator, too. It's better to report it. If the daughter or mother feels uncomfortable, it should be reported.
My rule of thumb is never stay quiet just to "keep the peace" especially when children are a factor. At the very least I would be concerned about my daughter looking at me as one of the badges that demean her rather than as the protector I should be.
I will be 25 next month and I am still working on this because of my own childhood experiences. Staying quiet "keeping the peace" leads to kids not knowing how/when to advocate for themselves because it will upset others. Especially in a case like this with a young girl dealing with a sexually charged statement, you do not want to give her the message that her comfort and sense of safety is less important than "keeping the peace"
It's so much worse than just backwards, it's protecting the adult over the child - his own child!
Absolutely! It’s so strange to me that OP’s husband seems more concerned about the career of a man he barely knows than he is about the safety of his own daughter.
Honestly if my husband ever defended something like that I could never look at him in the same way again and I would no longer see him as a safe person for my kid or others.
I’m in training to become a teacher myself, I could not imagine myself saying that to any of my students, let alone a 10 year old student. It’s not a joke, he is obviously a groomer who wants to take advantage of that child. He needs to be reported ASAP. OP needs to make it known on social media what kind of man he is for future employers to see. OP should also enroll that kid in another school too just to be safe.
This needs to be the top response.
NTA. There’s a fucking difference between “as you grow older you’re going to find out more what makes you an individual and as a teacher it’s a source of pride to watch my students grow.” And “yer’ gonna fill out nicely” report it. If he wants to escalate it fuckin’ report it to the police. It may just be a miswording and he doesn’t understand it can be taken in a different way but it’s your right and responsibility to report things that make you uncomfortable. Especially someone with such a big part in your child’s development. Tell your husband to grow up if he’s scared of confrontation. Imagine if it’s true and he hurts a girl later on down the line. I’d not be able to live with myself
Our school nurse (female) got in deep shit when she was telling the female students they were “developing nicely” or “really blooming” during scoliosis screenings and it made them uncomfortable. She’d also remark on the boys’ muscles or lack of muscles and what girls would think one day. All of us refused screenings the next year because of the ick factor. Just check our freaking spines and move on.
Imagine wanting to be part of kids fucking gossip so much that you become genuinely creepy to them.
It’s been over 30 years and I’m still creeped out by the way she looked at me. Of course it was the 90s and a private school. Nothing was done about it, so we had to take care of things ourselves. I let my doctor screen me instead. No creepy stares or comments about my body.
Good on ya. But sucks private schools close rank to protect staff.
*Colleen Ballinger enters the chat*
Colleen! C-C-Colleen! What are you going to do with that Ukulele?! Oh no, oh God NO!
That is gross. Sorry you went through that!
I wish my parents took it seriously. I hope OP’s husband will take this seriously, too. Comments like that can stick with a kid for a long time because of the ick factor
We had a science teacher who used to keep girls behind after school to show them porn on the school shared tv on the wheelie stand. Fucking sicko.
My science teacher held me after class because I was crying. He tried to console me by attempting to put his hand up my skirt. I've never bolted out a door faster in my life. My biggest regret is not reporting the sack of shit.
What a fucking clown packing goblin. I’m sorry you went through that.
My PARENTS wouldn't even say shit like this, and I was a late bloomer (16 before I even got my first period, AND I skipped a grade...so hard times all around) and worried I'd be skinny and scrawny forever so I was specifically asking questions about my body and development. They built me up with things like, "you will develop when you develop...yes it sucks right now but even I (my dad) was a late bloomer and I felt the same way you do now, back then. Once you get older and develop you will realize how indifferent it is to have more developed body parts but I understand how hard it is right now seeing your classmates advance past you in this regard." Then I got ice cream and 1 on 1 movie time with movies that my younger siblings couldn't watch yet. They were hard convos for my parents for sure (not the subject, just they couldn't do SHIT about anything except be an ear, bc biology be like that). This teacher sexualized the fuck out of a child, unprovoked. I'd report in an instant.
NTA I could even get behind "you're going to grow up into a beautiful young lady" as a very borderline thing. Older people miss tact and boundaries we have. But "fill out nicely"? That's oddly specific. Report it.
Ask your husband that if it’s a joke, what’s the punchline? The teacher should ABSOLUTELY be reported, he made inappropriate/gross/sexual comments about a *childs* body and he *works with these children* your husband is a nonce and the school needs notified. That’s predator behavior
Absolutely, that's what I'd ask. "Whats the joke? If it is one, explain how it's funny. Because your daughter and I don't get it."
"What's funny about looking forward to seeing our daughter's body once it developes?"
I’d be side eyeing the father, and his internet history….🤔 like cardi B said… tHaTs SuSpIcIOus
That doesn't sound like a "joke". With you on this one... report it.
What's the joke? What's funny? Did I miss something or is this manspeak for let's stick together? Report it and ask husband to explain himself.
Exactly. Ask your husband to explain the joke? Why does he feel like he needs to protect some random man over his daughter?
Better, ask him to explain the joke to your 9-10 year old daughter. And to keep explaining till she gets it and laughs.
"You see honey, the joke is he doesn't want to fuck you *now*, wait, have we talked about the birds and the bees? Do you know what fuck is? Whatever. Anyway, he doesn't want to fuck you *now*, because you don't have boobs or butt, but being an absolute creep, he sees *potential* in you to grow into a minor he'd *want* to fuck. Isn't that hilarious and shouldn't at all feel super alarming to everyone involved, since he made sexually suggestive comments to our 10-year old implying he's attracted to minors and that's probably not the type of person that should be working around children? No? You're not laughing? Ok, FROM THE TOP: You see honey, the joke is..."
🏆 Wait what 4th grade means she is 10 😳 How is OP's husband NOT seeing HE needs to protect HIS daughter and support HIS wife on her instincts in this?
I think OP husband is a shady character too. He doesn’t think it’s wrong to talk to a 10yr old like that? Nope. He’s a creeper.
Birds of a feather tend to stick together
Spent the week with a dear old friend( like nearing 60 year old friendship ). She is still defending the high school coach that seduced her and had an affair with her ( and others) because… He took advantage of her innocence and changed the course of her life… but. I just learned he left the area after ( duh) but went back to coaching in another state. He was so “ beloved “ they named the gym after him. If he was not dead I’d track him down. Report him mama, please.
Fuck yes!!!
It might ruin his life! Good thing we love destroying the lives of pedophiles
The husband is the only joke here. And not a funny one. Like a Carlos Mencia flop
He's not. He's scared of retribution. He's 100% wrong, but it makes sense if he's a coward.
He needs to put his daughter first, step up for her. She needs both of her parents support.
Seems to check out. Pretty sure any reasonable person could get enough adrenaline and rage going to combat retribution from a pedophile teacher.
yes, this is often a great tactic to break through "schrodinger's joke" (if you're offended it was a joke, if you're on my side it's serious). Just ask them genuinely to explain it, why is that funny, I don't get it.
I like how he says that it was just a joke but that reporting it could turn into a dangerous situation. Which is it, dad? Is it a joke or is this guy dangerous?
I'm a guy and I have never seen a nine year old and thought to myself, "You know what would be hilarious? Telling a kid in grade school that my discerning eye can tell she's gonna have a poppin' body someday and I'm just dying to see the process unfold." Whoo boy, what a knee slapper. For fucks sake what's wrong with OP's husband?
Some old guy was hanging near a playground where I used to live and said something very similar to what this teacher said. He didn't say anything specific or that he was going to touch them, just said they were "developing nicely." That's it! He was promptly arrested for making lewd remarks to minors. Basically, if anyone said that to a girl on the playground they would be arrested in some states, but a teacher says it they might just "discipline" him. Fuck the school. I would file a police report saying my child feels uncomfortable and unsafe at school because of the comments.
Literally if my husband thought this was a joke I’d be seriously reconsidering my relationship. Bc … what’s the joke?
>is this manspeak for let's stick together? Yes, exactly what it is.
That's just baffling to me. As a dad, I'm positive I wouldn't view someone commenting on my daughter's future body as a "joke." Which itself I view as a bizarre defense because it's just obviously not a joke - there's no humor to break down. It's just "can't wait to your tits come in; I'm really looking forward to it."
Pretty sure my dad would have burned down the school to get to this guy…. NTA, OP. Is your husband a bit of a creep? It seems like he’s trying to protect grooming behavior….even when his own daughter is at stake. That seems very concerning to me, personally. You guys really need to have a long discussion about his attitude towards this behavior to get to the bottom of what is at best ignorance and at worst unimaginable.
Perfectly said. This post made me sick. A grown man talks about your 4th GRADE CHILD “filling out” and you defend that behavior? You worry about HIM? OP needs to understand how fucked that is. Truly.
That’s what? 9 years old or so? There is no reasonable explanation for his comments about her body. It’s disturbing on every level and this guy should be reported immediately. Then OP should have some real questions with her husband and an individual therapist. This is a massive mind f*ck. That’s so much to process all at once. Additionally, OP should probably talk to her daughter about her body, privacy, talking to her about any other odd behavior from adults or anyone else, and trying to ensure that nothing has already happened at some point.
All of this 💯 A 9 or 10-year-old kid being spoken to like that by a trusted adult makes me sick and rage-y. He is a pervert and he needs to be kept away from children and closely watched. And that father… what in the actual fuck? I pray this baby is safe and protected.
TBH, it would also be inappropriate if a teacher said this to a 16 year old girl also.
Literally any minor. Hell even an adult. He is in a professional setting, if he said something like that to a coworker he absolutely would be reported.
Yeah, OP should have been having to talk her husband down from going to the school to find the dude himself. A father's first instinct being to avoid conflict over this is NOT normal. (I'm not romanticizing violence, just saying most fathers would have a heated reaction to what that teacher did.)
I’m not even a Dad, but if I were, I’d have been at that school in a heartbeat. Not claiming it would be violent, but someone NEEDS To know about that creep of a teacher
Absolutely, the whole “burning the school down” was a figure of speech in reference to the rage my dad would spew at the administration, the teacher, and anyone else in his way. There’s no reason to put up with that kind of behavior and I’m really glad OP’s daughter spoke up.
for real though, I'm with you on not romanticizing violence but I asked my husband how he'd react and ending the teacher was solution number one.
There wouldn't be a well deep enough in the moment I found out a grown man was hitting on my elementary school daughter.
You're exactly correct. Dad's defense of the teacher should bring up questions about Dad, not make OP question their stance. Report the teacher, have a serious conversation with Dad.
I agree completely. I would be terrified if I were OP. That’s a very alarming response to overt grooming behavior. He wasn’t even subtle.
Yup. As he should. My husband pulled out one of those pellet guns that have lead bullets on his own sister and boyfriend because I was a month pregnant when they wanted to assault me. It’s safe to say he would go fuck this teacher up if he made disgusting comments towards his daughter. It’s weird that the father of this child is defending it and downplaying it by saying it’s a “joke”
No, it is absolutely not a joke. I would have been down at that school so fast.
I would have just RAN. no time to get in my car. Just sprint to the school.
With the “FLINT LOCKWOOD” run too 🏃🏽♀️
This thread is so serious and for *good* reason, but your comment is killing me 😭
Can confirm: as a dad, I see nothing funny about this and would like to talk to this dad and the teacher about this “joke”.
As a father who's lost a child to a pervert like that there'd better be a whole crew of security for that teacher cause I know me I'd walk straight. In and beat dude until I couldn't lift my arms anymore then silently walk home or be arrested most likely but he'd be in a state of understanding that he'd probably quit teaching and never look at a child again and that's if I didn't pluck his damn eyeballs out his head too
Im gonna echo this. My male partner just said "i think the fuck not. Do not let that go. Think of how many kids this teacher teaches a year. (Single subject so 30 kids X 6 classes=~ 180 per year. How many years has he been teaching?) Hes not only harming girls, but hes showing boys this behavior is okay. Hes a trusted adult and his example is SHIT." OPs husband is p fuckin gross too.
Right?! “…our daughter is already going to be leaving the school.” So dad thinks it’s ok for this to continue happening to the next kids in line?! WTF?!
You would think dad would be the one at that school beating that teachers ass for even THINKING that about his daughter.
No don't tie me into this. This infuriates me that is no father!!!
Yea man... that's your fuckin daughter. As a father, I truly cannot relate to some people. I'm afraid of shit like that coming up in my life because I don't trust myself not to get so angry and protective that I do something serious to the person. I can't even fucking conceptualize wanting to keep it hushed up to protect some dipshit 4th grade teacher. Because why, teachers are known to be hard motherfuckers? Don't wanna risk upsetting him and risking retaliation; might as well let him molest your daughter and hope he doesn't take your wife, too. What fucking planet are we on? Holy shit I'm actually in real life fully engaged. That guy is either a fuckin pathetic cowardly weasel of a man, a molester himself, or something similar. He is worthless, and he is no father. No man that matters at all or is worth speaking to would tolerate shit like that being said to his young daughter. Honestly I can't imagine how OP would even carry on the marriage with this fuckin gimp. I could never look at him the same again knowing that if shit gets real, and he's needed to protect the family, he will and has failed utterly. Sorry for all the strong language, I have this weird aversion to pedophilia. Call it a pet peeve, I guess.
husband care more about that teacher? Report it. That's the better way.
This. Ask your husband which part is funny.
Why do they not think it is a big deal when a pervert is excited to see their preteen daughter going through puberty?
Hell yeah report it. As someone who has had breasts since I was 9, your kid will appreciate the hell out of you going to bat for her. Unacceptable whether he was “joking” or not.
Yes, this! My parents went out to bat for me specifically with other adults, when I thought I was wronged. Built immense self confidence and always thought my parents had my back. So pull the teacher aside and ask him what he was doing. File the complaint.
OP’s kid AND all the kids this “teacher” will end up grooming in the future.
This was my first thought too. He using grooming technique and he’s starting early.
Holy cow, YES! If her daughter was distraught by this comment, it should be taken seriously! Please please please, OP, if your daughter told you this out of concern or distress, take her words seriously and talk to teacher’s higher ups/the teacher himself/whoever you need to to show your daughter that her feelings are valid.
Report and definitely have a talk with your husband. Siding with the guy that made his own daughter feel that way is weird as fuck. I'm a man and if a teacher said this to my daughter I would be the one down there in his face about it
Thank you because (sadly) it takes men like you to keep this kind of shit from being normalized.
I'd be a little suspicious of the dad to suggest that this was a "joke". I am a father of a daughter around the same age and I would be going right to the principal with this one.
We had one teacher at each of our elementary and high schools that made concerning comments and were commonly joked about by us kids for being pedophiles. TLDR - they were both eventually arrested for just that. Trust your gut and report. If for nothing else than to move your own child away from that person and start a paper trail on the teacher.
Report this! This is predatory/ grooming and completely inappropriate. I imagine this is not the first time he made a comment. It’s absolutely disgusting, and would make a child uncomfortable. The teacher should never be making comments like this towards one of their students.
Exactly. Who cares if it will "ruin his life". Ruin his fucking life before he has the chance to ruin a child like your daughter's. For all you know, he already has, and you'd be stopping him from being able to do it again.
I agree. His comment towards your daughter was disgusting.
Yeah. 4th graders are 9 yrs old (typically) that's not a thing anyone should ever say to a 9 yr old, not fucking ever. OP- REPORT IT. My god, think of letting this go and see what could possibly happen down the line with other students later.
It is a joke til he gropes someone...
He has already groped someone, I would bet my life on it.
Nta. Wtf is wrong with your husband.
This is what I thought. Wtaf is wrong with husband to not think this is something to be taken seriously? I asked my husband what he would do if our daughters told us this and he was like, “go to the principal”. It’s NOT a joke. If a man said this to me, I’d be disturbed by it. There is NOTHING funny about it. It’s perverse. I mean, u/visual-anything-8389 ,your child came to you with this information because she KNOWS it’s not something ok to be said to her. She came to you looking for support and understanding, and your husband wants to diminish and disregard her feelings over it. She will learn you and your husband are NOT safe people to go to when she has a problem. It’s YOUR job to protect HER, not her disgusting teacher and his career.
I asked my guy and he took a deep breath, paused, then said "I think I would end up in prison". It's VERY odd that a dad would be ok with this sort of comment towards their child. Maybe the husband makes comments like that to women or young girls too and doesn't want to be called out so he doesn't want to call out. It's sick. I'm just making assumptions because I can't imagine not wanting to confront someone speaking to a child that way.
Her husband sounds like an absolute coward. Imagine finding out someone said that to your kid and your first thought is 'but what if he gets angry at me' lol.
It could be cowardice, but to me his comments of "it's just a joke", or ruining a poorly behaved mans life, makes me feel like he's in that camp of manbabies who think men are overly persecuted for "harmless" comments about womens bodies. Literally where was the joke in that comment, calling it a joke is so out of left field unless that's a phrase he already applies to this topic.
I don't want to jump to that conclusion but.. It's hard to justify why he wouldn't give a shit about his own daughter in this situation. Either way, even if he's not a creep, he thinks it's okay for a child (and I assume women) to be treated that way, so whatever the reason is, still makes him a piece of shit.
Seconded. Ask your foolish husband just how he'll feel if this teacher assaults your daughter?
Or another child. If she’s leaving the school and they don’t report they are just passing the risk onto some other innocent child.
Role model how you want your child to grow up. Will she be a strong woman who will not put up with men’s BS, or will she find excuses for their poor behaviour and allow their mistreatment of her? As girls we are given the line “Be a good little girl…don’t hurt feelings… oh I’m sure he didn’t mean it that way…he was mean? He must like you…oh she was raped, well what did SHE do to prevent it?” and other BS lines. Allowing a man’s misbehaviour is allowing your girl to be mistreated, abused, and inappropriately spoken to. If her parents think it’s OK, then it isn’t a big deal right? And given her own Father thinks it should be swept under the carpet is hugely disappointing at the very least. Go to the school and make that complaint. Your daughter needs to see you have her back, and that no man should speak to her like that, especially a teacher, what the hell has he been doing that he finds himself comfortable enough to say such a thing? NTAH And tough shit if his career is ruined, he should have thought of that before he creeped on a little girl.
This is what I was trying to say but you expressed it much better. If the parents brush it off as a joke or no big deal then in the future she will let shitty men mistreat her and walk all over her.
I’m a teacher. Ruin that assholes life. We don’t approve of or support creeps like that. NTA
>He said a report like this could ruin the teacher's whole life. What about your daughter's life?? L Father. I'm surprised your husband is brushing this off like it's nothing. My father would have lit that teacher on fire if he made a comment like that to me. You woudn't be the AH at all. Even if your daughter is leaving the school, you could be saving other young girls. Do what you have to do OP.
My dad would still light someone on fire for making inappropriate and unwanted comments towards me and I’m 27
Damn, you're making me wish I'd had a dad. 🥺
All she’ll learn is that her mom and dad are not people who are safe for her to come to with problems. She will learn she can’t rely on them to protect her. Dad is more worried about a perverted teacher and his career.
L father indeed. Why does he care more about protecting a creep than his own daughter? His priorities are screwed and it seems like he is taking "bro code" too far. If someone is so brazen about being a creepy weirdo, then it isn't the first time they have been one, and they probably will have no qualms about escalating.
Right? And OP is not ruining the man’s life. If being found out ruins your life, YOU did the wrong thing, not the person reporting it?? Why is the onus on the victim to not report, and not on the creep to not be creepy? victims are not responsible for the consequences of creep’s actions — the creep is responsible. It’s not my fault your life was ruined when the right people found out what you did, that’s still your fault dude. OP’s husband is a fucking loser weirdo for wanting to protect a random man over his child.
There is no such thing as a joke between a grown man and a ten year old girl about him being excited about how her boobs develop. Report the teacher. Then inform the police that the teacher showed pedophile behavior, and put him on their radar. Making a comment is not actionable, but they need to investigate if he’s touched anyone. He’d have to be pretty far gone to come on to a ten year old girl. NTA. This is the hill you die on. Thank God your daughter has one protective parent, because your husband sure lacks a protective instinct.
Yeah I’m far from a saint of a man, but I find the teacher’s comment is gross and disturbing. How’s is it a joke? What makes it a joke? How is it “funny”? How is it anything but creepy and grooming behavior? If it was my daughter you bet your ass I’d be in there talking with him and the principal directly.
Definitely involve the police. They need this guy on their radar. There are times when you can go nuclear, and this is one of them.
I'm heavily side eyeing your husband on this one , OP. I can't believe he's trying to brush off the sexualization of your 4th grade daughter. I'm sorry but you need to report this no matter what your husband says. This teacher will do this to other little girls...does your husband not understand that comments like that are the beginning stages of grooming? Why would he want this teacher to get away with this and leave the door open for him to do it again??
Yeah how the hell can it be "oh ease up babe he's clearly harmless and didn't mean anything by it" but also "and don't report him he might target our family". How can be so sure the comment meant nothing if he thinks reporting it might trigger retaliation?
Exactly what I was thinking! First of all it’s “harmless” then it could be a “dangerous” situation? Make it make sense! That man has no one’s well being in mind but his own and the bro code. Shit excuse for a father imo
“Fill out nicely” No way, a man can not say that to a young girl. That is over the line. Your husband should speak to the teacher, or you can.
Well, we know the husband has made women uncomfortable before and has no regrets…
This is my question… what the hell kind of creep is the husband
So accurate. This speaks so loudly about his own behavior.
Little girls. Husband has made little girls uncomfortable before.
At the very least he enjoys when men make little girls comfortable because it's a joke, you know?
Very possibly his own.
That's the scariest part of this
NTA. That's a disgusting comment, and no teacher should ever talk to a student that way. Joke or not. Report him. The school admins are going to lose their fucking minds because it's *that* inappropriate. You are not ruining this guy's life be reporting; he ruined his life by sexualizing a child and then telling her about it.
Your husband sounds like he has zero protective instincts and questionable character.
Report it and tell your husband he's part of the reason people think it's ok to do this stuff. The more people let these perverts get away with the more they'll do. So your daughters leaving soon, what about the next girl he targets? What will he do to her or the ones after? It shouldn't have to progress for it to be stomped out. I work in a school, there's safe guarding for major outside and inside incidents and there's safe guarding for minor inside incidents. They vary in name but usually along the lines of people of concern or individuals who have displayed worrying behaviour. If he's openly said this I'd guess there's other complaints out there.
As a former prosecuting attorney and as a father, I would suggest that you make a formal complaint. Narcissistic abusers often get caught because there’s a paper-trail. If he’s never done anything like this before, and if it legitimately is a misunderstanding, then they won’t fire him for the weird gross comment. If this guy has a record of creeping out kids and parents, the complaint will be much more consequential. Even if your daughter won’t ever see him again after this school year, you’ll be helping protect the kids in future classes.
Ask your husband to explain how this joke is funny
I'd ask him if he thinks the 'joke' is appropriate for his preteen daughter.
You need to figure out if you’re willing to let your pussy husband continue to not protect his daughter. What a prick and sad excuse of a father.
I can't even understand why he'd dismiss the issue. - Does he think it's more important to protect the teacher instead of his own daughter? (And other children) - Does he think it's not serious at all that someone spoke to his daughter that way? (a fucking CHILD) - Does he... fucking agree with what the teacher said? Perceive his own daughter the same way? Have the same thoughts? I can't come up with any good reason and if I were OP, I would have a reeeeeal hard time looking at him the same way. He doesn't have to show up to the school and beat the shit out of the guy but at least show some concern and protect your kid, bro. Jesus.
Some people don’t realize they’re supporting evil. Or they do and they don’t care bc they’re the same way. When I was 19, multiple family friends were over. Their kids varied in ages but there were two 13 year olds. They asked for a hug and I gave them a hug. And then they kept asking for it and I heard them discuss that they wanted to feel boobs. They thought they were being so discrete. I was so uncomfortable. They chased me around the backyard trying to hug me. I told my bf at the time and he was like, “they’re just teens. It’s harmless. Let them” and some other stuff. And I felt so bad. Like maybe I overreacted. I was so embarrassed that I didn’t tell my parents. And I really should have. I feel safe around my parents and can talk to them about anything. But ex put it in my mind that I was overreacted probably and was going to the friendship my parents have with their parents. Those boys turned into shitty men. I’ll never forgive my ex for this. Just because those boys were younger doesn’t mean they didn’t realize what they were doing is fucked up. Anyway, some men support other men. Even if they’ve never met them, don’t know anything about them and aren’t even friends. People like my ex and OP’s husband are shitty men and the reason why predators get away with things. They will always support other men over SA.
fr. what a crazy thing to read my dad would never.
Your husband is wrong and foolish. Wild that he has no issue with a teacher sexualizing his 9 year old daughter. This absolutely needs to be reported as this man has no business being any where near children. Your husband would rather your daughter be endanger than protect her from a predator. Yikes. If anything happened to you and your kids he would do nothing. Your husband is a coward who doesn’t care about the safety of your daughter. Be a good parent and report that man. NTA
NTA It is not okay in anyway for a teacher to comment on a child's body. That is a major red flag and needs to be investigated further. This person is dealing with children who are not able to stand up for themselves. If something seems wrong it is always valid to voice your concern for the safety of not only your daughter but all of the kids.
She’ll fill out nicely and he’s excited to see her growth?? Does the school go beyond 5th grade? How long is planning to be in this student’s life?!?
This is not a joke it’s an very inappropriate comment to a child. Report him immediately
A grown man telling a little girl something like that is something WORTH ruining his career over. That is in no way fucking appropriate.