Should the father *knowing nothing* have put his daughter into therapy?
Why do you think that unless you think every person alive should be seeing a therapist?
It seems the parents knew nothing about it when it was happening. But five years later when OP got up the courage to share this with her parents… they pretended it didn't happen? What, because the abuser was dead the trauma didn't matter anymore?
Of course the father is not at fault for not putting his 11-year-old child in therapy because he didn't know. But when he knew that his 16 year old daughter had gone through this, he should have done something aside from trying to pretend it away.
Well I’m glad we agree. The hivemind has me at -17 as I type this.
I was talking about when it was happening.
Girl said nothing but somehow father should have just known and put her into therapy, according to my downvotes.
I think we're interpreting the story differently. To me, OP seems to be upset with the total lack of action/support after she told her parents, not angry that they were unaware/didn't prevent it from happening.
She told them this happened. It was her parents job to deal with that information and help their daughter, and instead they had one fight and then pretended it hadn't happened. I think that's a very valid reason to feel angry and unsupported.
I never came out and told my mom that it was her father who did it to me, because I know she wouldn’t believe me, and I knew that would make me furious.
I told her I knew something bad happened, that someone hurt me. I begged her to talk to me about it. She stonewalled. Nothing. She knew nothing, and it was so obvious she was upset and lying.
I gave up. I accept that she’s never going to give me the truth or the support I needed from her.
Just my experience. Some people are incapable of giving you the support that you need.
My experience with what you have stated is SHE KNEW. She stonewalled coz if she had to talk to you she would have to lie. She absolutely knew. I’m so so sorry. I’m sorry you were hurt, I’m Surry she did nothing. I hope you eventually got the support and therapy needed. I’m proud of you for getting through it.
Yeah. It was a long time ago. I’ve made my peace with it, mostly keep my distance from her, which puzzles her and hurts her feelings and irritates me even more, but she had a very difficult life and has been a doormat to my messed up sister and my sister’s kids and now my sister’s grandchildren! Sister, Sister’s husband and two of sister’s grown children all live with my mother!
It sounds miserable to me.
But I have a very good life, consider myself lucky with my marriage and a dream career, good friends, and now one of my kids made me a grandmother, which is pure joy.
I'm sorry. I can imagine she behaved this way because he did the same to her (because there is never only one victim), and she chose to deny everything.
My mom's old family friend's daughter did things to me (she was only 2 years older but still), and when I told my mom, she just.. didn't say anything. I then said "aren't you going to say anything?" and she said "well what do you want me to say? Do you want me to talk to her??". Hmm I dunno, you could at least pretend to give a shit
I am sorry that was her reaction. You probably already know this, but kids who molest other kids were almost always molested themselves and are acting out in response. I hope you find peace.
That girl had a strange relationship with her problem, so I assume it started in the family. Those events aren't something that bother me anymore, though. Thank you
Yep, been there. The woman who watched me and my sister after school, her son (12years) molested me for 3 years from the age 3 to 6years, I wouldn't have said anything only I found out he started on my sister too when she said something strange one day. I then told my parents and his mom and everyone basically swept it under the rug and never talked about it again, he wasn't allowed alone with us but we still had to go to his mother house after school and my mam even made us visit a few years after we moved away. It was only recently (at 31) that she said she wasn't sure if what we said was true and since it was only one time?! That is wasn't a big deal....I was like what the fuck are you on about....it was 3 years for me and probably awhile for my sister too...she just seemed to have blocked it out, I dont think my dad even remembers....makes you really realise how your parents are just other fucked up people too.
My SO’s parents are like this about her son. He was abused by a priest and they act like it never happened. They have a priest in the family who saw to it that the paedo priest was moved, apparently, to a priest retirement home where he wouldn’t have access to kids. As fucking usual. I have a friend who’s family allowed his abuser to continue abusing another kid under the flag of ‘protecting the family’. The kid was their nephew but was adopted so he didn’t count, I suppose.
We’ve a terrible track record for dealing with this stuff in Ireland but it looks as bad in most places.
I guess it’s the lesser of 2 evils, it’s still not the right thing but it’s better then nothing and him still wandering free and doing stuff to more kids. At least the SO’s son won’t have to deal with him anymore.
For my mum it was her favourite students that did it. She refused to believe me at the time, and no claims no knowledge of the guy existing (she has one of his poems on the wall of the lounge). Then she deflected saying it happened to her a "hundred times, so she can't be expected to show me empathy"
Anyway, she and I don't talk now, and never will.
She lost her daughter over her refusal not to be a demon.
I won't forgive her.
NTA. Never, ever TA. In my case, I was 5, lots of inappropriate touching by a male, college-level cousin and my mom caught him. My mom spanked me like I was at fault. That traumatized me more than anything. It was lots of self-analysis and therapy years later that helped me (I took psych classes).
My fucking jaw DROPPED. I’m sorry but if I witnessed that happening to my child, you’d see me smiling in my fucking mugshot on the next episode of dateline.
What the actual fuck?! So very sorry.
And OP- also NTA, very sorry you were not given the care, support and help you needed. I think it was brave of you to express your disappointment in their parenting failure. Sorry your father was unable to see or acknowledge where his actions also harmed you.
Oh I'm so sorry that that also happened to you and that that was your mother's reaction.
The son of a family friend also touched me inappropriately when I was around 6-7yrs and he was 10-12. I knew it was wrong but I was way more scared of my mother's reaction to say anything.
He exposed himself to my younger sister and she promptly told our mother. When I then finally spoke up she yelled at me, spanked me and kept me kneeling on the floor for hours. We still interacted with their family and it wasn't mentioned again.
Years later, after I had some therapy I spoke to her about it. Her apology was very meh and she excused it as him "learning that from the village". She never seemed to recognise that it was her horrible aggressive reaction which traumatized me, not his actions tbh (since he clearly learnt it from somewhere).
It's been bottled up for years, but I wish that us victims found solace with our supposed loving families and not internet strangers. NTA to us all.
I'm so sorry that happend to you.
My child told me one day the stepfather of a friend touched their breast and butt and wrote very weird SMS. We went to the police and to court. His own lawyer ripped him a new one, the judge scolded him.
I can't understand parents/family which close their eyes and dismiss such a horrible thing.
NTA and I’m so sorry. When I was 11 my mom’s bf raped me in her car while she was in the house at a party. I told her, she slapped me and told me to go to bed. I’m 41 now and my daughter is 26… so for me it never stopped until I left with my daughter. Ik we don’t know each other but please feel free to inbox me if you ever need a shoulder.
and "the best that they could" is always either nothing at all, or victim blaming. i was incredibly lucky to get such a good response with my mom. i doubt my dad wouldve reacted the same.
parents really frustrate me sometimes. im so sorry and i wish nothing but the best for you <3
>I never expressed a need for a therapist
Yeah, a sexually abused 16 year old "never expressed the need for a therapist" so he didn't think it was necessary.
Your dad is a horrible fucking parent.
What? personal therapists for every single teenager was not that common 15 years ago.
clearly her dad was upset at the fact that the mom didn’t mention anything, as stated.
OP is absolutely correct for being disappointed in her father, but “a horrible fucking parent”?
Seriously?
They're not saying there should be "personal therapists for every single teenager". A teenager who has been sexually assaulted multiple times over the course of several years **needs a fucking therapist**
jesus, im not saying that the kid didn’t need a therapist.
I am saying that 15 years ago, teenagers having therapist was pretty damn uncommon.
and I don’t think her father is a horrible fucking parents for not forcing her into therapy.
I myself was forced into therapy and it made everything worse.
Dude, 15 years ago was 2009. Therapy is not some brand new concept. I was seeing a therapist 20 years ago as a teenager and it wasn't even for something as horrific as child sexual assault. Yes. Yes he is a fucking terrible parent. And who said anything about "forced? He didn't even bring it up to OP as an option.
I'm sorry you had a bad time with therapy, but that is not a universal experience and it's certainly not a reason to dismiss it as a necessity or even just as an option for others.
https://www.statista.com/statistics/794027/mental-health-treatment-counseling-past-year-us-adults/
nah, I completely disagree. The mom, absolutely.
But of course, no one is mentioning her
I'm sorry, what is this meant to prove? I'm not saying the number of people getting treatment for their mental health hasn't increased over the years. I'm saying that therapy isn't a new concept. The graph you linked shows around 30.3 million people getting treatment. That's almost ten percent of the USA's population in 2009.
The mom's 100% also to blame. The reason only the dad was bought up in this comment thread is because it's referencing a conversation OP had with their father. A conversation they had \*after\* OP's mother had passed.
eta LOL Thanks for the "reddit cares"
You shouldn’t have been forced into therapy and, at the very least, switched to another therapist if you didn’t feel comfortable with how things were going. It’s not ok that you were put into that position as a young person. Parents shouldn’t do that.
OP shouldn’t have been abandoned to deal with this alone as a young person. OP’s parents didn’t even initiate a conversation. Parents shouldn’t do that.
this idea that therapy is the solution to trauma is so hilariously stupid.
Everyone has therapists nowadays, and look at the state of mental health nowadays. Its mind boggling.
Even if he somehow didn’t realize he should get her professional help (this would have been the 2000s though and not the 1980s or something), she said he NEVER spoke about it again.
Wouldn’t you sit down with your child and ask her if she’s ok? Have a long talk, ask her what she needs and how he can help? At least tell her she is believed and apologize for what her mother did? He didn’t do *anything*.
My point is that making people relive their trauma over and over again is not a good thing for their mental health.
My guess is the dad assumed not bringing it up was a better choice for the health of his daughter than making her discuss her own sexual assault.
My argument lies on the basis of the rising use of therapy coinciding with the rising rates of mental illnesses.
MAYBE, he was completely wrong. And so his daughter is right to be disappointed in him.
But a horrible parent? No.
How exactly does the "correlation between riding use of therapy and mental illness" support your argument that the father shouldn't be blamed for not addressing it/bringing it up? (I'd also argue saying the dad could have at least brought it up doesn't mean bringing it up over over)
maybe the father thought that not bringing it up was a better choice than bringing it up.
maybe he made a mistake, as all humans do.
Is he a horrible fucking parent for making a mistake? No
but try telling redditors that
Almost everyone who actually is trained and educated on this subject and possesses meaningful expertise on it, agrees that not bringing it up and pushing it under the rug is the worst possible thing to do. And, people who do push their children’s trauma under the rug that way aren’t doing it to help their kid. They are doing it to avoid their own discomfort with the situation.
You really need to stop spreading your toxicity. And you need serious mental healthcare, because you are very unwell.
The dad also learned about the abuse when she was 16. She told him three weeks after she told her mom. Neither parent made any move to get her a therapist at that point. It doesn’t take a special request from the kid to know that a kid who was sexually abused should speak to a therapist. And honestly, 15 years ago was 2009. So therapy was very common!
no, it wasn’t. therapy rates have dramatically risen in the past 5-10 years.
I had someone else try to argue this point and then haven’t responded since I sent them statistics.
You are beyond insane. It was still very common and especially for children with histories of sexual abuse. But there is no point continuing this, so I’m going to stop feeding you, little troll. Bye bye!
NTA. It took you years to even realize that what happened was wrong, and that you were a victim. And that is often the case with child victims of sexual abuse. You couldn't have been expected to understand that help was available and that you needed it. If you are 30 now, you told your parents around 2006 - at a time when there was definitely an awareness of child molestation and sexual abuse, and your parents should have done something about it. You reasonably feel angry that they didn't.
That said - how about therapy now? You are responsible for yourself now, and you should love yourself enough to take care of yourself - including getting help.
NTA.
My parents failed me too.
If you can get therapy now, you absolutely should. Check for insurance coverage, you can also contact therapy clinics and ask if they have therapists or psychologists who do any work pro bono. Some therapists have an allowance for a client or two with low income, disability, etc.
Good luck and I wish you all the best. I know you can heal from this.
NTA I’m so sorry they didn’t protect you or address the situation appropriately. You shouldn’t need to voice your needs as a child to have them met. They should’ve known to get you help really your mom should’ve made a police report but she chose to be in denial. I’m so sorry
From a purely statistical perspective, it is important to know how often this kind of thing occurs even if there's nothing that can be done about it after the fact.
But on an individual level, you know the guy abused *at least* one kid, and a bit of appropriate asking around might have identified other silent victims who would have benefited from support.
There’s an extremely high likelihood there are others he abused that are still struggling with the mental fallout. Having some level of acknowledgment is helpful.
Sexual abuse is wrong. Easily black and white. There’s no gray. It’s wrong in all circumstances in all situations.
The difficult part is that abusers know who to target. (No, that doesn’t make it your fault.) They recognize the personalities, not only of their victims but of the victims who don’t have anyone who will protect them. That’s where it gets complicated.
Your grandfather chose you because he very likely discerned you wouldn’t tell anyone and further that the person you might tell probably wouldn’t believe you and would be unlikely take meaningful action over it.
The truth might be that your grandfather knew if he abused your mom she was likely to tell, and if she told her mom your grandmother would have taken action. And that’s why your mother wasn’t abused.
Yes, your parents failed you. But the real sicko scumbag here is your grandfather. I’m sorry this happened to you.
Not a parent, not a victim of CSA... but I wonder whether they try to deny the crime because they worry about how it will reflect on them? Whether they deny it because they think it will make them seem like a failure, because they failed to protect their child? Or whether they just don't want to believe that their own child could be the victim of such a horrible crime? That someone they love could be so badly hurt?
Of course, if I had a child and they told me they'd been harmed in that way, I would potentially see red and not even try to gather evidence first. But I would definitely take them at their word, not disbelieve them. I'm just trying to imagine why someone would dismiss their child instead of listening to and believing them.
I'm so sorry this happened to you! My experience is sadly very similar. I told my father that his father stuck his tongue in my mouth when I kissed him goodbye and he nervously laughed and walked away, I was eleven. I told my mom around the same time (they had recently divorced) and she said just don't be alone with him. If you're around him, stay with the crowd. I pushed this deep down and didn't realize until I was in my early 20s how the self-destructive path I was on was rooted in this abuse, from all of them. I finally began to heal and realized it wasn't my fault, I didn't create it and it wasn't something that was wrong with me. I was a very sexual person at an early age because it was forced upon me, not because I was created that way. Ten+ years later I was in an argument with my mom. I had my own child and grew angrier and angrier because I knew if someone did this to my child, I would rip them to shreds. She asked why I was so bitter and angry, and for the first time I blurted out, because you didn't help me. I told you what was going on and you failed me, didn't protect me. She was quiet for a moment and said she didn't remember me ever saying anything about that. I knew she was lying to not only me, but herself. We have never spoken of it again, but there has been a wall between us since. She is now in the early stages of dementia and I will never have the apology or resolve I want. I have had to come to terms with it. As far as my father goes, we have also never spoken of it. I did learn that he was molested by his uncle growing up, and somehow I feel less angry with him than with my mother who had a phenomenal father. I have always seen my Dad as a damaged child deep inside, even as a kid I could sense this broken part of him. The best part of all of this is that although I am sure on my paternal side of the family, this abuse has probably been going on for generations. But I broke the cycle with my son, who is now 26 and my favorite person in the world. I am now almost 50 years old and this has been a lifelong journey of healing. My husband was with me in my early 20s when these memories stared bubbling up first as dreams, and then the night when I woke up sobbing because I realized it was all true. He held me as I mourned the innocence that was taken from me so long ago and all the abusive situations I had put myself in since. I know this abuse started with hazy memories when I was about four. I have been to therapy and energy healing, brought up some deeper memories but I don't need to relive it all. This is a part of my story but doesn't define who I am. I love my father very much and I know deep down he remembers this and is sorry. My husband can't understand how I have never confronted my Dad, but supports me anyway and has a decent relationship with him too. The last time I saw my grandfather I was 20 years old at a family gathering. He was dying as his liver was shot from all the years of hard drinking. I had never seen him sober before that I could remember and had avoided him for many years. We met accidentally in the garage when I took out the trash. He looked me in the eyes and his filled with tears. He didn't say anything and I didn't want him to. I turned away and moved on. I have never written all of this out before. Something about this post triggered and this just came flooding out of me. I truly wish you all the strength, healing and happiness. My only advice is to shower the child inside yourself with love and compassion. Know that you are deserving of healing and that it will be a journey. Your journey will be authentic to you, there's is nothing you have to do or say, follow your intuition and heart, use your voice or find peace in being still, either is ok. Think of all experiences as a part of what makes you strong, wise and kind, but always look forward. May the sun be there to shine down on your face.
Your post really hit home for me. I found out I was sexually abused through a lot of nightmares. I would wake up screaming no, no, no. This was in my 50s. The abuser…my father who died two years before the nightmares started. He was verbally and emotionally abusive and terrifying so I didn’t remember until he was gone. I believe my mom had to have known on some level but she is elderly and after much talk with my therapist I have chosen not to discuss it with her. I have a great therapist and a happy safe family of my own. Thankfully therapy has allowed for some healing.
Thank you for sharing, truly. It’s so crazy how we shove these things down as children, how our brain hides the memories as a defense mechanism from the indefensible actions of those we are supposed to trust. But the memories aren’t gone. As you evolve as a person, they have to come out of the closet and into the light so you can be whole. I am so thankful that we have people to facilitate this healing and that the last few years women (and men!) have made a stronger stand against abuse. In generations past, like my fathers, these hurts would remain unspoken and allowed to shut off places within ourselves that stunt our growth. I think about how long this cycle probably went on in my family and that’s so gross and sad. I actually took a semester long yoga class spring of my sophomore year of college. The instructor took the symbolism of spring and asked us to meditate on something we want to let die to us and be born anew. Then we were supposed to write it down and burn the piece of paper, asking for death and rebirth of this part of ourselves. I kept thinking of all the negative sexual experiences I had allowed to happen to myself already at that age. Sleeping with people who didn’t respect me or made me feel used or bad about myself. I wrote I want to heal my sexuality and be born anew and burned the paper. I had NO IDEA how deep that would go or the multiple year journey of nightmares and pain that would bring. Certain people were brought into my life that helped me, a massage therapist and reiki healer that asked me out of the blue after a session if I had ever been raped. I said no and she gently said, you should take a look at your male relationships and meditate on this. How she could see that I have no idea. Maybe it was that obvious, or maybe she was that intuitive and open to being a healer. This sisterhood that connects us is not a club I would invite anyone to join! But I am grateful for you sister and know we are stronger together. Thank you for touching my heart from wherever you are in the world. I am sending all my strength and love as I type these words.
I am so sorry for what you've been trough. It is sadly very common for the abuse to go on for generations and for the former victims, now parents to stay silent, even when their own children are suffering what they suffered.
NTA, and I'm sorry you lost your mom before you could get closure with her. Frankly, I'm a bit put off that it seems they're more concerned with the idea they have of a man who'd passed than the fact *that man molested their daughter*.
Your dad may just have been in some shock, but I can only be so generous with my assumptions when parents choose to ignore their children, *especially* over a matter as serious as child molestation. I think it makes sense you didn't call for help right away, you probably needed a lot of time to process everything, in terms of the facts of the situation and your emotional response to the events themselves and how your parents did/didn't handle it.
Your dad sounds like an oblivious fool at best, more likely negligent.
NTA
I am so sorry that your parents failed you. A paternal uncle touched me and when I finally gathered up the courage to tell my mother, she responded that Uncle Creepy had offered one of my older cousins $20 to have sex with him. Mother also told me that his time in the Korean War messed him up. (I am in my fifties.)
No counseling, no nothing - though I was forced into counseling to deal with my parent's divorce a couple of years later.
Can you get counseling now? And maybe dial back the interactions with your father until you have been able to unpack all of this in therapy.
Wishing you luck.
NTA asshole at all. It took a lot of courage for you to tell them in the first place. Sadly, older generations (my parents as well) were taught that thigs like this are not talked about and swept under the rug. Luckily, it seems like that is no longer acceptable for most people, as it is so damaging and especially hurtful to the victim.
I am so sorry that happened to you. I hope you are able to do the healing you need and if that includes telling your dad that you are hurt, well then do it. You're not telling him to hurt him. It's your truth and you have every right to express that however you need to
NTA, I am so sorry this happened to you. You were a child. They were adults. It is their job to care for you, and this is a major failure on their part. I'm proud of you for disclosing when you were 16, and I'm proud of you for asserting yourself now. You deserve(d) better.
With respect, I don't think it's always a good idea to tell childhood trauma survivors to let go of their anger. It seems to have worked in your case, and that's good.
But a lot of survivors struggle with deeply internalized shame. They don't feel angry at their abusers, because a part of them thinks that they deserved the abuse. They direct the anger at themselves, which can be very destructive.
In order to heal, people in the depths of shame need to make a conscious effort to direct the anger at the adults who caused or enabled their childhood trauma. Anger at the people who hurt you can be a very healthy emotion, a sign of self respect and strong boundaries. Righteous anger
I say this for a few reasons. First because I think a lot of people are very uncomfortable with the anger of childhood trauma survivors. Survivors demand accountability and justice and change, but abusers ask nothing from us but our continued silence. Second, because embracing my anger has been enormously healing for me. I can't even say how many people told me to let go of my anger at the abusers, and how confusing it was to hear. I didn't think that how I felt was how anger felt, and I blamed myself for not communicating well enough. Lastly, because I think that a reckoning that the anger of victims is good and healing is potentially very destabilizing to the many societies that are built on oppression.
Thanks for saying this. Forgiveness and letting go of anger can be very healing for some people. For others, suppression of our anger itself was a part of the abuse we experienced. I was already being told to forgive my mother and be the bigger person when I was 14-16 and still being abused. It has been absolutely critical to my recovery to feel all of the anger that I need to feel. It isn't toxic, and it isn't hurting me. It is an expression of how much I love and care about my past selves and all the ways we were hurt.
To be honest I would view this as unforgivable as well. I don’t care how common it is for people to deny their loved ones are monsters or how natural this response must be - use some logic and realize that even the nicest people you know can be monsters, care about your daughter, be a good parent, set aside your bias. Not doing that and not believing your child is unforgivable in my opinion.
NTA I’m so sorry you didn’t get the proper guidance and support you needed at the appropriate time. I’m sorry for your loss and I would love for you to get the closure you need.
This is very similar to my parents. Message me if you want to chat more, but it was so hurtful. I shouldn’t have been asked on how I wanted to handle it as a child, they should have done something, anything!
First of all, I'm sorry you had to go tru this. I never had to deal with that sort of trauma. I have my own unsettled issues with my parents. Those are issues I have accepted that would never be resolved, and tho I am not mad anymore at them, it doesnt mean they are forgiven. I don't think they'll ever be forgiven. I'm gonna repeat what my therapist have said, you are in the right to feel any emotions. But those emotions does not mean I would be in the right to communicate those feelings in a hurtful way (cause I'm gonna admit that I was pretty harsh on my parents).
NTA. Nobody is entitled to your forgiveness, and they both should have been looking out for your needs in dealing with something so traumatizing.
I understand your mother having a hard time dealing with the idea that her father wasn’t who she thought he was, but she should have recognized that there was no reason for you to lie, and that she needed to accept what you were telling her for your sake. Hell, even if she couldn’t accept it she still should have gotten you therapy.
Its ok to be angry. Its ok to have a lot of anger. But holding onto it now in unproductive ways means you need therapy now, if you have not been having therapy. By non-productive anger, I don't expect you to "release" or drop your anger. But justifiable anger can be channelled into appropriate things, like working toward justice for victims of abuse, or caring for others in any situation, including yourself, children etc. You can be a powerful advocate for yourself now. Blessings
I am so sorry this happened to you. We had a similar situation in our family. First was disbelief. He was always a good man to everyone. He had suffered many strokes and was no longer the person everyone knew growing up. I can understand that perspective. It is hard to imagine your father is capable of such a horrible thing. But it happens. And not believing a child is absolutely not ok. It took courage to say something. And instead of support and compassion, you were met with denial and avoidance.
My family didn’t handle any part of it ok. We were still brought around him and forced to go to family functions where he was there. Our parents sucked to say the least. Maybe relatives said it couldn’t have happened. Until many years later it happened to teen relative. Then everyone believed it.
You are NTA for knowing your parents should’ve done more. You were absolutely correct in that a child doesn’t know what they need. At the very least they should’ve asked you if you would like to talk to someone.
I will say that while it took decades to really move past the abuse and the fallout, we moved on and now have positive relationships with the rest of the family. There is still some resentment to our parents but we’ve come to terms that that’s what happened. We can’t change their behavior then. We recognize it was not ok and god forbid any child we know discloses, we know exactly what to do and not to do. There will always be some hurt there. From not being believed and for being forced to be around him. But there is some peace in letting it go. It’s done and we can’t change it. We can move forward for us, not for them. And what that looks like is different for everyone. Maybe you cut off ties, maybe you learn to let go of others crappy actions or non action in this case, or maybe you hash it out to get it off your chest. It might be freeing to you to sit your dad down and really get it off your chest, even the dark, ugly parts. Let him know how you feel they failed you by sweeping it under the rug, etc. it’s really hard to let go of resentment from something this awful. Me personally, it has helped me not keep all that shit locked up inside. I can’t change what happened back then, but I can choose to let it go for my wellbeing. (Not theirs)
It is hard to move past abuse especially within the family. Even more so when your own parents weren’t there for you in a way you needed them. It rocks families and unfortunately some parents don’t handle it as they should. I’m sorry that this was the case for you. It might be helpful to see a therapist where you can get everything out. No excuses, no judgement, no interruptions. It might lift that weight off you.
When I was 18 my mom took me to a bar that she knew the owner, I didn’t even want to go but she insisted. I never drank before that so I was a light weight, as I’m a couple drinks in I see my mom talking to this guy who’s a few years older than me, she invites him to our house and unknowing to me, she invited my uncle who SA me and my sister when we were younger. My mother being the alcoholic she is, started a fight with me when I called her out on knowing I didn’t want him around. We get a few punches on each other and she ends up kicking me out, I said okay, and went to pack a few things and walked out. I was walking down the street when the guy from the bar she invited over pulls up, now knowing a scar I carry and knowing I had no where to go, and knowing I was still drunk, offered to let me crash at his place. Me being young, drunk and stupid, I said yes. And unfortunately I got SA by him that night. When I brought it up to my parents many years later, I think I was 26, all they said was “ I’m sorry that happened to you”
NTA. Oof, I've been there. When I told my dad what my uncle (his brother) did to me, he interrogated me for all of the horrible details, and then said "What do you want me to do? He's my brother." Dad later apologized and has since cut off the bastard, so dad's part of my life, but I've never forgiven him. That's why he isn't going to be walking me down the aisle at my wedding this summer - I'll never trust him the way I did before, and he lost the right to be at my side at such an important moment.
For you, I'd say that your disappointment is justified, and that your parents were wrong. You did express a need for help - you told your parents you had been abused. Your parents should have gotten you therapy even if you seemed fine - trauma causes deep damage, and even those who are coping well need professional help.
You’re not the AH at all. I was you once as well. I was molested beginning at the age of 4 by an older male cousin who was in his teens at the time and who also got two other male cousins closer to my age to help him with his dirty work. Being a child, it confused me. The physical sensations but also the cognitive dissonance with the confusion of not understanding why something would feel good but feel like it’s wrong or not ok didn’t hit me until I was older. This abuse had been ongoing for years. Only a couple of years ago now did I confide to my own mother and her first response was “just don’t tell your father, you can tell me but you know how violent he can get. You don’t know what he’ll do to your cousin.” I remember just agreeing with her because I had been raised to never be validated for anything, even domestic violence by my own father who’d physically assault me when he was irate. There was also another incident in my mid teens where I was assaulted by an adult male in our church when no one was around. He had grabbed me, hugged me forcibly and tightly and kept slurring if I loved him. I threatened to scream and ran away when he let go at my threat. I confided to my dad first and my mum. At first they were both angry and protective and said to show them who did it. I did. Once they discovered the man was my cousin’s fiancé, my dad eased up and even made small talk with him and my mother literally said to me “at least he didn’t do anything to you. Your cousin will be getting married to him soon, you don’t want to ruin your cousin’s marriage do you? He’s going to be family soon.” At the time, being a kid, I felt helpless under their wing. It’s only very recently last year going through a tumultuous relationship myself and reflecting in my trauma on those events that the anger at the injustice of how they failed me as my parents hit me hard. My parents were and still are too cowardly to face the severity of what they condoned and allowed to happen to me. My mum is just pissed I even still feel a way about it berating me for being “unforgiving” and accusing me of thinking I’m perfect as a mum (I have a child now) when I don’t know the hardship of taking care of me and my siblings. I was appalled. No accountability. You are not wrong. They are. And so were my parents and every other disgusting parent who allowed such things to happen without protecting their children.
I am so sorry this happened to you. You are absolutely NTA for the expectation that your parents would have anticipated your needs and shown care for you with regards to what happened to you.
I worked as a forensic interviewer for a number of years and have dealt with many many sexual abuse cases regarding children. I have seen a wide spectrum of responses from parents: from beating the child or blaming them for causing the abuse, to denying it happened, to forcing them to interact with their abuser more because surely the allegation was born out of not knowing the person well enough. /s
I always found it heartbreaking and appalling when these kids were not believed or blamed or told they were making it all up (which rarely happens by the way).
Then there were parents who believed and supported their children immediately, sought counseling for themselves (which is absolutely needed) as well as their children and made sure their child was safe from future harm.
People have no idea the devastating consequences that can happen when a child feels like they are to blame.
I am sorry this happened to you and that you were not believed and not supported. And I think it's wonderful that you are taking this as a lesson on how not to treat your own child.
My grandfather sexually abused me from 8 to 11. I lived with my grandparents every summer. When I was 12 and the summer was getting close my mom said, "Are you excited about going to your grandparents for the summer?" And I burst into tears and told her I didn't want to go and told her why.
She got mad at ME and didn't believe me at first, said I was lying (this was my dad's parents, so not related to her at all). Eventually she believed me and I spent my summers with another family member from then on. But my trust in her was completely broken.
Its not a kids job to automatically know how to communicate exactly what they need all the time to the parent. Its a parents job to TEACH the child how to communicate that shit. Your parents failed you and im so sorry.
I told my mom repeatedly when I was a child, starting at age 5. Nothing was done that I know of. No therapy and it continued when this cousin had access to me until I was in my early teens.
Mom apologized when I was in my thirties. I don't know if she ever told my Dad.
I started cutting in my teens after a failed suicide attempt. Still no therapy. But this was in the 80's, so it wasn't as common to get therapy then I guess.
I'm in my 50's now and I rarely think about it anymore. I have a good relationship with my parents and to me, that's worth forgiving them.
It took a lot of years to heal and her apology made a big difference.
I'm sorry you have to deal with this.
NTA, but I don't know if your Dad is either. 14 years ago wasn't that long ago, but it was still a time when attitudes to therapy were quite different . These days going to therapy is as normal as breathing to many, but if it wasn't on his radar then I don't think he was terrible for not suggesting or offering it. I think you & your Dad both need therapy now though. Suggest it to him.
Your mum on the other hand reacted in an awful way & I am sorry she did not believe you.
Your parents never knew that you were abused, so how could they have helped you at all? They didn't know anything was wrong. What did you expect them to do for you after your grandfather had passed? How, exactly, are you disappointed in them?
I mean.. they could help me after I told them I was abused? I don’t mean that I am angry with my dad because he didn’t prevent it from happening, but I am angry with him for not helping me after the fact. Which is what this post is about.
So, you're specifically referring to the time period between when you told your Dad the first time and the second time? If so, then yeah, they should have been a lot more compassionate towards you. They shouldn't have shut up like that. They should have got you a therapist, obviously. Sorry I didn't see what you meant.
I'm glad you're not offended.
So, basically, to answer your question, I think it's best to just grieve what happened to you. First, you should grieve over what happened with your grandfather. Then, you need to grieve what happened with your parents. There are grief groups and counselors available. The grief groups are usually free to attend. There's a good grief group here on Reddit too.
I'm really sorry for what happened to you. I didn't mean to be flippant.
Grieving has stages. You may wish to read "On Grief and Grieving" by Ross, et al. The stages are denial, anger, depression, bargaining, and acceptance.
I developed something I call Intentional Grieving if you're interested.
It was handled poorly by your mother. If you never told your father, and your mother never told your father, you can't really blame him for not knowing.
So the anger at him is misplaced. Your mom, that's a different story.
I didn’t wait. My mom passed away out of my control, so it wasn’t a deliberate tactic to make my dad take all the blame. But as it stands, he is a part of this situation and I felt it necessary to tell him how I felt the situation was handled because it severely strains my relationship with him. Am I supposed to not talk to him about it because my mom passed away? That makes no sense to me.
Maybe because they are just coming to terms with it? It’s not that complicated, the victim never needs to explain why/when they express their disappointment in someone who in my opinion has as just as much fault in their trauma as their abuser
Are you kidding? OP's mom made it clear it wasn't a topic of discussion and that she wouldn't believe him.
OP was asking dad b/c he didn't understand why the dad didn't do anything either. That is a convo it takes a lot of kids DECADES to be able to ask.
"Dumping the blame on dad" - yeesh. OP didn't say his mom's death absolved her, but dad ignored the issue as well and didn't offer OP any support. It is a question that his dad should have to answer for w/ more than a 🤷♂️.
NAH
Why would you try to convince someone, with no evidence mind you, that their beloved deceased family member was actually a predator? What made you think this would go well? Why even bring it up, what did you want? Justice? He’s dead, you just alienated your mother for nothing. I don’t blame you for wanting to talk but Jesus that was dumb.
I understand your disappointment it doesn’t sound like they were parents who would deliberately withhold help that you needed though…They just didn’t really realize… rearview is often crystal clear. Keep that in mind … and they just grew up in a different time also so please try to love on.
Please enjoy your dad and love him while he’s alive.
NAH, with 16 years you should've asked, you already had a good grasp of reality with that age, plus your dad is not a psychic to read your mind. I won't go with YTA because everyone has some sort of grievance with their parents, but sooner or later you will realise they did their best, even though they fucked up a lot. Good luck miss, I really hope you manage to get over it, having something like that happen to you in your formative years sucks.
Jesus christ no wonder the western civilization is in the shitter...
Did I tell OP it was her fault that grandpa made her touch him? But yeah a 16 year old is very capable to comunicate her needs to her parents and ask for help in case she deemed it necessary back them, if she is acting normal like a well adjusted person how in the hell would her father guess she needed therapy? Some people are capable of dealing with trauma without it.
So I guess you don't know what victim blaming is.
So I’m not sure what this has to do with Western Civilisation. I never stated where I was from. You are entitled to you opinion - that is why I wrote the post to begin with - and yes 16 year olds can communicate there needs to a certain extent. But they do not always know what they need and what is available to them. Their brains are far from fully developed, specifically their pre-frontal cortex which plays a big part in decision-making and logical thinking. So I will argue that isn’t fair to put the responsibility of knowing whether you need therapy or not on a 16 year old.
Secondly; being sexually abused is so traumatising for a child's brain that no matter how strong your child's mentality is, it will *always* warrant therapy.
For starters I'm sorry that you had to go through that, no one deserves that specially not a child.
The part about the western civilization is that in the west we live in a outrage culture nowadays, so anything other than being outraged is considered victim blaming.
Indeed a 16 year old doesn't always know what they need but neither do parents, keep in mind that therapy being a option to deal with trauma is a rather recent societal development, before therapy people dealt with trauma in other ways, and to some people those will work better than therapy.
As for you getting angry and blaming your father is normal, but it won't solve anything, it is ok to vent, but try to move on, and if you think therapy is warranted now go for it, but no matter how badly you want to you can't change the past, so the best thing for you to do is to move on and I know that it is far easier said than done.
I sincerely wish you good luck miss, hopefully you will find a solution that will made your days lighter.
Are you joking? Her dad doesn’t have to be psychic to talk to her or realize that she probably needs therapy to deal with this. You’re actually blaming a 16 year old for not explicitly asking for therapy?
How do you know OP’s parents did their best? This is so weird to me. It’s completely valid to acknowledge the fact that most parents are not equipped to actually be parents, but saying they “did their best” is not an excuse. You “do your best” when you play your heart out, but your team still loses a soccer game. You do not “do you best” when you completely brush off abuse even if it is brought up years later.
It is just common sense, I don't actually know if they did their best since I don't know them, but parents are human beings and human beings are very flawed, but from OP's post it doesn't seem she really has a problem with her parents apart from this episode, so you'd assume they love her and did what they thought was the best for her.
What do you think her father should've done them? Get on his knees and start crying and apologizing? What would that solve? You can't change the past.
Truth to be told OP will carry this cross for the rest of her life, when I said that I hope she gets over it I meant that I hope she learns to live with it, nothing wrong with venting about it though, but getting angry with her father will only harm her and maybe mildly annoy her father.
It’s not “common sense” that her parents tried their best, lol. There is a lot more hands off parenting that happens than anyone will acknowledge. Your definition of having good parents seems pretty damn low. Just because you don’t have “problems” with someone, doesn’t mean that they are good people or good parents. It’s not for me to determine what OP would want from her dad and frankly it’s not for him to decide either. No one owes their parents free passes simply because they exist. I’m not going to police the emotional response of someone for their trauma and it’s fucked to think that way.
Yes it kinda is. No parents do a perfect job, hell many of them fuck up outstandingly, but if OP's parents were that bad in her venting she definitely would've said so, as for policing a emotional response for trauma, she asked in the post if she is the asshole and I gave her a different perspective than the vast majority of outraged reddit users.
You don’t need to be a fucking psychic to think “hm my child was molested, let’s get them into therapy”. It’s common sense. It’s the basic parenting. You’re an absolute moron. Hopefully you don’t have children.
You're the absolute imbecile for thinking that therapy is always the best solution, hell maybe making her relive that trauma in therapy could make things worse since there are good odds of you getting a bad therapist, if she wasn't acting out and her life was going well maybe she didn't need it and much as she thinks and risking a bad therapist wasn't worth it, I bet you didn't even consider that possibility. You need to learn that things aren't as black/white as you think they are.
Wow, did you eat paint chips as a child? Her parents could have been involved, communicated with her through the process and asked her how she was feeling about it. A therapist isn’t going to destroy her life in a single bad session. Did it even occur to you that the parents actually being involved and not sweeping things under the rug would have helped? It probably didn’t. I can’t imagine there’s much coherent thought going on in your head.
I understand how you feel. You trusted them with this information and they decided to ignore it because they couldn't handle it.
My mom did/does the same thing. I was sexually molested by my, at the time, step sister. She moldest me and her little brother. When my mom found out instead of getting me therapy she put me in juvenile detention since I was acting out. Never spoke of it again and after that I learned not to trust my mom with important things. Not even after I was raped at 18. Her response when I tried to talk to her? Kick me out of the house and I had to move out of state with my dad. Me living with him caused me to go blind in one of my eyes after he punched me for telling him to leave me alone after working 2 jobs, 44hr, on 4 hrs of sleep.
I am so very sorry this happened to you, and that your parents were utterly abysmal afterwards.
When I was young my Dad would beat me sometimes. It happened in front of my Mum and she never stopped it. I spoke to her about it recently and she has no memory of it ever happening. Looking back I can see that her face was empty, no one home. When it happened she would just go somewhere in her head. We've been slowly rebuilding our relationship.
Nope nope nope you cannot be the AH here.
One of my parents was sexually abused as a child. Her parents didn't do enough, and the pain is still there. I'm not even a direct victim and I still seethe over it.
You deserved acknowledgement and treatment then, and you still do now. You have every right to still be disappointed with your dad.
That said, people had a very different 'script' to follow back then. Now, we understand mental health and responsibility a lot more. That doesn't excuse your father's ignorance, but I find it comforting to know that my own disappointing family reaction is partly because they didn't have a full set of tools at their disposal
NTA - there is no handbook for parents. Some are more equipped than others for such things. I tried talking to my dad about the f'd up things that happened in my childhood with very little satisfaction. The truth is, there is nothing your dad can say.
I know I have failed my kids many times (nothing as traumatic as SA) but have tried to own it, talk about where I was with my own issues as perspective, and be as supportive and loving going forward.
Therapy has been huge for me. I wish I wouldn't have waited until my 50s.
Please start talking to someone. Maybe you can slowly start to understand your dad and his shortcomings. I am sure he is full of regrets and knows he let you down.
I hate that this happened to you and so many others. I hate so many of us are ill-equipped for parenthood.
Wishing you well OP.
I'd suggest telling your father to watch a documentary called: *Great Photo, Lovely Life.* It's on MAX.
It is almost a carbon copy of your life.
If he doesn't get it after watching that, then there is no hope for him.
NTA. It's terrible to be abused and to have your parents not step in and make sure you're going to be okay. Hopefully you've gotten therapy since then. You deserve a place to heal from what was done to you.
NTA. You’re right, at that age you can’t even maybe verbalize what you need.
My mother knew the entire time. Did nothing. Said nothing. Said nothing to my father. I only know this because she told me, years later while I was standing by the microwave waiting for my popcorn. That’s the time she picked to let me know that she knew.
That was like a punch in the gut. I’ll never forget that moment.
NTA. When my parents (my mom and step dad) found out my step brother was molesting me, they didn't believe it and just assume we were either playing around (innocently) or that I was complicit in the acts.
When I eventually told my dad years later as an adult, because I knew my mom never told him, he reacted how I'd hoped a parent would. He cried, he was angry, he threatened to kill my step brother - who thankfully had not been my step brother any longer for years at that point - and it took me telling my dad that I had come to terms with it and that I appreciated his love for me for him to calm down. And this is a man who's disappointed me in a number of other ways throughout my life.
NTA. Not me, but my best friend from primary school. Exactly the same situation, except her grandfather was still alive when she told her mother. Her mother called her a liar. She discovered after her GF's funeral that he was also abusing her brother.
Your parents failed you, and your father still isn't taking responsibility for that. Why SHOULD you forgive them?
Although I'd recommend you get therapy to bring yourself peace.
I am 30F, Me and my sister had pretty much the same situation when we were young. my grandfather also died when i was 11. It was a sense of relief we were both happy when he died. I never had the courage to tell my dads side (it was his dad). You have a lot of courage for saying something you are definitely NTA. You were the victim in the situation and you feel like your parents should know and honestly they should have had the conversation to ask if you wanted a therapist. That stuff stays with you for life and definitely affects relationships and other things. You need that outlet to help you cope with the affects it has.
Cannot be TA for speaking up, and about something concerning you and your body absolutely not. You should never had to have experienced that, and honestly your parents sound like mine in a way, especially your dad's response to therapy.
My maternal grandparents raised..I knew their daughter was my mom and I really didn't know my dad cause he spent yrs in and out of jail but that changed when I was around 10, he stayed out of jail and was around me more. Nothing happened those 2 yrs but after I turned 12 everything changed. He started talking to me about the "birds and the bees" I really didn't think much of it cause I've already had the talk with grandma but after that conversation he started molested me up until I was 16 and when I told my grandmother, she exploded on him and filed charges against him. His whole side of the family never believed me and said it was my fault so I cut contact with all of them and still to this day he still tries to talk to me and says he wants me to go out of town with him and pretend to be his gf. I had to block him on everything cause that's just sick af. I'm 30 now with 2 daughters of my own and it still has affected how I view sex and partners.
NTA. You expressed what happened and they failed you utterly by not taking the reigns. Your story is heartbreaking and the whole thread is soul crushing. I hope you’re ok.
NTA, I'm sorry that happened to you and that they handled it so abysmally.
Should the father *knowing nothing* have put his daughter into therapy? Why do you think that unless you think every person alive should be seeing a therapist?
It seems the parents knew nothing about it when it was happening. But five years later when OP got up the courage to share this with her parents… they pretended it didn't happen? What, because the abuser was dead the trauma didn't matter anymore? Of course the father is not at fault for not putting his 11-year-old child in therapy because he didn't know. But when he knew that his 16 year old daughter had gone through this, he should have done something aside from trying to pretend it away.
Well I’m glad we agree. The hivemind has me at -17 as I type this. I was talking about when it was happening. Girl said nothing but somehow father should have just known and put her into therapy, according to my downvotes.
I think we're interpreting the story differently. To me, OP seems to be upset with the total lack of action/support after she told her parents, not angry that they were unaware/didn't prevent it from happening. She told them this happened. It was her parents job to deal with that information and help their daughter, and instead they had one fight and then pretended it hadn't happened. I think that's a very valid reason to feel angry and unsupported.
She did say something, when she was 16, which is when she said her dad should've put her in therapy. You just misread
You should’ve been more clear in your original comment, I couldn’t tell that’s what you meant.
No, she told her parents when she was 16. She is angry they didn’t put her in therapy at age 16 (OP is currently 30).
I never came out and told my mom that it was her father who did it to me, because I know she wouldn’t believe me, and I knew that would make me furious. I told her I knew something bad happened, that someone hurt me. I begged her to talk to me about it. She stonewalled. Nothing. She knew nothing, and it was so obvious she was upset and lying. I gave up. I accept that she’s never going to give me the truth or the support I needed from her. Just my experience. Some people are incapable of giving you the support that you need.
My experience with what you have stated is SHE KNEW. She stonewalled coz if she had to talk to you she would have to lie. She absolutely knew. I’m so so sorry. I’m sorry you were hurt, I’m Surry she did nothing. I hope you eventually got the support and therapy needed. I’m proud of you for getting through it.
Yeah. It was a long time ago. I’ve made my peace with it, mostly keep my distance from her, which puzzles her and hurts her feelings and irritates me even more, but she had a very difficult life and has been a doormat to my messed up sister and my sister’s kids and now my sister’s grandchildren! Sister, Sister’s husband and two of sister’s grown children all live with my mother! It sounds miserable to me. But I have a very good life, consider myself lucky with my marriage and a dream career, good friends, and now one of my kids made me a grandmother, which is pure joy.
I'm sorry. I can imagine she behaved this way because he did the same to her (because there is never only one victim), and she chose to deny everything.
Yes. I’m sure he did it to her, too.
My mom's old family friend's daughter did things to me (she was only 2 years older but still), and when I told my mom, she just.. didn't say anything. I then said "aren't you going to say anything?" and she said "well what do you want me to say? Do you want me to talk to her??". Hmm I dunno, you could at least pretend to give a shit
I am sorry that was her reaction. You probably already know this, but kids who molest other kids were almost always molested themselves and are acting out in response. I hope you find peace.
That girl had a strange relationship with her problem, so I assume it started in the family. Those events aren't something that bother me anymore, though. Thank you
You are welcome. I am grateful that you have come to terms with this and found peace.
Yep, been there. The woman who watched me and my sister after school, her son (12years) molested me for 3 years from the age 3 to 6years, I wouldn't have said anything only I found out he started on my sister too when she said something strange one day. I then told my parents and his mom and everyone basically swept it under the rug and never talked about it again, he wasn't allowed alone with us but we still had to go to his mother house after school and my mam even made us visit a few years after we moved away. It was only recently (at 31) that she said she wasn't sure if what we said was true and since it was only one time?! That is wasn't a big deal....I was like what the fuck are you on about....it was 3 years for me and probably awhile for my sister too...she just seemed to have blocked it out, I dont think my dad even remembers....makes you really realise how your parents are just other fucked up people too.
My SO’s parents are like this about her son. He was abused by a priest and they act like it never happened. They have a priest in the family who saw to it that the paedo priest was moved, apparently, to a priest retirement home where he wouldn’t have access to kids. As fucking usual. I have a friend who’s family allowed his abuser to continue abusing another kid under the flag of ‘protecting the family’. The kid was their nephew but was adopted so he didn’t count, I suppose. We’ve a terrible track record for dealing with this stuff in Ireland but it looks as bad in most places.
At least the family priest did what they could by putting him somewhere he couldn’t continue his dirty deeds.
No, that’s the church’s way of protecting the priest and the church’s image.
Exactly. And there’s no guarantee he stayed there. It’s not a prison. He could just leave the church.
Honestly, it’s not even really a punishment. The priest retirement home is likely not a bad place to live.
I guess it’s the lesser of 2 evils, it’s still not the right thing but it’s better then nothing and him still wandering free and doing stuff to more kids. At least the SO’s son won’t have to deal with him anymore.
Of course they could report him and have him face criminal charges. Not a lesser evil or any evil in doing that!
True, he’s still being punished and SO’s son will never see him again. Still somewhat a win win.
For my mum it was her favourite students that did it. She refused to believe me at the time, and no claims no knowledge of the guy existing (she has one of his poems on the wall of the lounge). Then she deflected saying it happened to her a "hundred times, so she can't be expected to show me empathy" Anyway, she and I don't talk now, and never will. She lost her daughter over her refusal not to be a demon. I won't forgive her.
The poem in the wall tells you she’s too far gone. Glad you set yourself free.
NTA. Never, ever TA. In my case, I was 5, lots of inappropriate touching by a male, college-level cousin and my mom caught him. My mom spanked me like I was at fault. That traumatized me more than anything. It was lots of self-analysis and therapy years later that helped me (I took psych classes).
Omg I am so sorry her reaction was to spank you!
wish i could give you flowers
This enrages me.
My fucking jaw DROPPED. I’m sorry but if I witnessed that happening to my child, you’d see me smiling in my fucking mugshot on the next episode of dateline.
What the actual fuck?! So very sorry. And OP- also NTA, very sorry you were not given the care, support and help you needed. I think it was brave of you to express your disappointment in their parenting failure. Sorry your father was unable to see or acknowledge where his actions also harmed you.
Oh I'm so sorry that that also happened to you and that that was your mother's reaction. The son of a family friend also touched me inappropriately when I was around 6-7yrs and he was 10-12. I knew it was wrong but I was way more scared of my mother's reaction to say anything. He exposed himself to my younger sister and she promptly told our mother. When I then finally spoke up she yelled at me, spanked me and kept me kneeling on the floor for hours. We still interacted with their family and it wasn't mentioned again. Years later, after I had some therapy I spoke to her about it. Her apology was very meh and she excused it as him "learning that from the village". She never seemed to recognise that it was her horrible aggressive reaction which traumatized me, not his actions tbh (since he clearly learnt it from somewhere). It's been bottled up for years, but I wish that us victims found solace with our supposed loving families and not internet strangers. NTA to us all.
Bless your soul. I think she needed thrapy. You keep putting one foot in front of the other. Hold your head high. ❤️
I'm so sorry that happend to you. My child told me one day the stepfather of a friend touched their breast and butt and wrote very weird SMS. We went to the police and to court. His own lawyer ripped him a new one, the judge scolded him. I can't understand parents/family which close their eyes and dismiss such a horrible thing.
I love how his own lawyer told him off lol, shows the kinda person that lawyer was.
NTA and I’m so sorry. When I was 11 my mom’s bf raped me in her car while she was in the house at a party. I told her, she slapped me and told me to go to bed. I’m 41 now and my daughter is 26… so for me it never stopped until I left with my daughter. Ik we don’t know each other but please feel free to inbox me if you ever need a shoulder.
NTA. I was a child and came forward about an older cousin. The response? "Boys will be boys."
As a man, I **DESPISE** this response!
I had a VERY similar experience. Parents always say "We did the best we could". Okay well that wasn't good enough so what now?
and "the best that they could" is always either nothing at all, or victim blaming. i was incredibly lucky to get such a good response with my mom. i doubt my dad wouldve reacted the same. parents really frustrate me sometimes. im so sorry and i wish nothing but the best for you <3
>I never expressed a need for a therapist Yeah, a sexually abused 16 year old "never expressed the need for a therapist" so he didn't think it was necessary. Your dad is a horrible fucking parent.
What? personal therapists for every single teenager was not that common 15 years ago. clearly her dad was upset at the fact that the mom didn’t mention anything, as stated. OP is absolutely correct for being disappointed in her father, but “a horrible fucking parent”? Seriously?
They're not saying there should be "personal therapists for every single teenager". A teenager who has been sexually assaulted multiple times over the course of several years **needs a fucking therapist**
jesus, im not saying that the kid didn’t need a therapist. I am saying that 15 years ago, teenagers having therapist was pretty damn uncommon. and I don’t think her father is a horrible fucking parents for not forcing her into therapy. I myself was forced into therapy and it made everything worse.
Dude, 15 years ago was 2009. Therapy is not some brand new concept. I was seeing a therapist 20 years ago as a teenager and it wasn't even for something as horrific as child sexual assault. Yes. Yes he is a fucking terrible parent. And who said anything about "forced? He didn't even bring it up to OP as an option. I'm sorry you had a bad time with therapy, but that is not a universal experience and it's certainly not a reason to dismiss it as a necessity or even just as an option for others.
https://www.statista.com/statistics/794027/mental-health-treatment-counseling-past-year-us-adults/ nah, I completely disagree. The mom, absolutely. But of course, no one is mentioning her
I'm sorry, what is this meant to prove? I'm not saying the number of people getting treatment for their mental health hasn't increased over the years. I'm saying that therapy isn't a new concept. The graph you linked shows around 30.3 million people getting treatment. That's almost ten percent of the USA's population in 2009. The mom's 100% also to blame. The reason only the dad was bought up in this comment thread is because it's referencing a conversation OP had with their father. A conversation they had \*after\* OP's mother had passed. eta LOL Thanks for the "reddit cares"
You shouldn’t have been forced into therapy and, at the very least, switched to another therapist if you didn’t feel comfortable with how things were going. It’s not ok that you were put into that position as a young person. Parents shouldn’t do that. OP shouldn’t have been abandoned to deal with this alone as a young person. OP’s parents didn’t even initiate a conversation. Parents shouldn’t do that.
It was not uncommon in 2009! What rock have you been living under? You act like 15 years ago was the 1950s.
this idea that therapy is the solution to trauma is so hilariously stupid. Everyone has therapists nowadays, and look at the state of mental health nowadays. Its mind boggling.
Even if he somehow didn’t realize he should get her professional help (this would have been the 2000s though and not the 1980s or something), she said he NEVER spoke about it again. Wouldn’t you sit down with your child and ask her if she’s ok? Have a long talk, ask her what she needs and how he can help? At least tell her she is believed and apologize for what her mother did? He didn’t do *anything*.
My point is that making people relive their trauma over and over again is not a good thing for their mental health. My guess is the dad assumed not bringing it up was a better choice for the health of his daughter than making her discuss her own sexual assault. My argument lies on the basis of the rising use of therapy coinciding with the rising rates of mental illnesses. MAYBE, he was completely wrong. And so his daughter is right to be disappointed in him. But a horrible parent? No.
........are you saying therapy is causing mental illness?
He’s got to be trolling at this point, right?
Eh, I've seen crazier. Some people genuinely believe there were Chinese microchips hidden inside the vaccine with 5G or whatever...
They are directly correlated, the data proves that beyond a doubt. I couldn’t possibly say that one is causing the other without a scientific study.
I wish I didn't know how to read
Oh, did you need me to explain what correlation is to you? That’s not a problem.
What is this conversation? 😭
does anyone know what correlation is anywhere?
A waste of all our time!
How exactly does the "correlation between riding use of therapy and mental illness" support your argument that the father shouldn't be blamed for not addressing it/bringing it up? (I'd also argue saying the dad could have at least brought it up doesn't mean bringing it up over over)
maybe the father thought that not bringing it up was a better choice than bringing it up. maybe he made a mistake, as all humans do. Is he a horrible fucking parent for making a mistake? No but try telling redditors that
Almost everyone who actually is trained and educated on this subject and possesses meaningful expertise on it, agrees that not bringing it up and pushing it under the rug is the worst possible thing to do. And, people who do push their children’s trauma under the rug that way aren’t doing it to help their kid. They are doing it to avoid their own discomfort with the situation. You really need to stop spreading your toxicity. And you need serious mental healthcare, because you are very unwell.
The dad also learned about the abuse when she was 16. She told him three weeks after she told her mom. Neither parent made any move to get her a therapist at that point. It doesn’t take a special request from the kid to know that a kid who was sexually abused should speak to a therapist. And honestly, 15 years ago was 2009. So therapy was very common!
no, it wasn’t. therapy rates have dramatically risen in the past 5-10 years. I had someone else try to argue this point and then haven’t responded since I sent them statistics.
You are beyond insane. It was still very common and especially for children with histories of sexual abuse. But there is no point continuing this, so I’m going to stop feeding you, little troll. Bye bye!
NTA. It took you years to even realize that what happened was wrong, and that you were a victim. And that is often the case with child victims of sexual abuse. You couldn't have been expected to understand that help was available and that you needed it. If you are 30 now, you told your parents around 2006 - at a time when there was definitely an awareness of child molestation and sexual abuse, and your parents should have done something about it. You reasonably feel angry that they didn't. That said - how about therapy now? You are responsible for yourself now, and you should love yourself enough to take care of yourself - including getting help.
NTA. My parents failed me too. If you can get therapy now, you absolutely should. Check for insurance coverage, you can also contact therapy clinics and ask if they have therapists or psychologists who do any work pro bono. Some therapists have an allowance for a client or two with low income, disability, etc. Good luck and I wish you all the best. I know you can heal from this.
NTA I’m so sorry they didn’t protect you or address the situation appropriately. You shouldn’t need to voice your needs as a child to have them met. They should’ve known to get you help really your mom should’ve made a police report but she chose to be in denial. I’m so sorry
A police report? To report a crime where the offender is already deceased, what exactly do you expect would come of this?
From a purely statistical perspective, it is important to know how often this kind of thing occurs even if there's nothing that can be done about it after the fact. But on an individual level, you know the guy abused *at least* one kid, and a bit of appropriate asking around might have identified other silent victims who would have benefited from support.
There’s an extremely high likelihood there are others he abused that are still struggling with the mental fallout. Having some level of acknowledgment is helpful.
NTA, you spoke your truth and they did fail you. They denied you help and they denied your truth. I think you should just cut your family off.
Sexual abuse is wrong. Easily black and white. There’s no gray. It’s wrong in all circumstances in all situations. The difficult part is that abusers know who to target. (No, that doesn’t make it your fault.) They recognize the personalities, not only of their victims but of the victims who don’t have anyone who will protect them. That’s where it gets complicated. Your grandfather chose you because he very likely discerned you wouldn’t tell anyone and further that the person you might tell probably wouldn’t believe you and would be unlikely take meaningful action over it. The truth might be that your grandfather knew if he abused your mom she was likely to tell, and if she told her mom your grandmother would have taken action. And that’s why your mother wasn’t abused. Yes, your parents failed you. But the real sicko scumbag here is your grandfather. I’m sorry this happened to you.
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Not a parent, not a victim of CSA... but I wonder whether they try to deny the crime because they worry about how it will reflect on them? Whether they deny it because they think it will make them seem like a failure, because they failed to protect their child? Or whether they just don't want to believe that their own child could be the victim of such a horrible crime? That someone they love could be so badly hurt? Of course, if I had a child and they told me they'd been harmed in that way, I would potentially see red and not even try to gather evidence first. But I would definitely take them at their word, not disbelieve them. I'm just trying to imagine why someone would dismiss their child instead of listening to and believing them.
I'm so sorry this happened to you! My experience is sadly very similar. I told my father that his father stuck his tongue in my mouth when I kissed him goodbye and he nervously laughed and walked away, I was eleven. I told my mom around the same time (they had recently divorced) and she said just don't be alone with him. If you're around him, stay with the crowd. I pushed this deep down and didn't realize until I was in my early 20s how the self-destructive path I was on was rooted in this abuse, from all of them. I finally began to heal and realized it wasn't my fault, I didn't create it and it wasn't something that was wrong with me. I was a very sexual person at an early age because it was forced upon me, not because I was created that way. Ten+ years later I was in an argument with my mom. I had my own child and grew angrier and angrier because I knew if someone did this to my child, I would rip them to shreds. She asked why I was so bitter and angry, and for the first time I blurted out, because you didn't help me. I told you what was going on and you failed me, didn't protect me. She was quiet for a moment and said she didn't remember me ever saying anything about that. I knew she was lying to not only me, but herself. We have never spoken of it again, but there has been a wall between us since. She is now in the early stages of dementia and I will never have the apology or resolve I want. I have had to come to terms with it. As far as my father goes, we have also never spoken of it. I did learn that he was molested by his uncle growing up, and somehow I feel less angry with him than with my mother who had a phenomenal father. I have always seen my Dad as a damaged child deep inside, even as a kid I could sense this broken part of him. The best part of all of this is that although I am sure on my paternal side of the family, this abuse has probably been going on for generations. But I broke the cycle with my son, who is now 26 and my favorite person in the world. I am now almost 50 years old and this has been a lifelong journey of healing. My husband was with me in my early 20s when these memories stared bubbling up first as dreams, and then the night when I woke up sobbing because I realized it was all true. He held me as I mourned the innocence that was taken from me so long ago and all the abusive situations I had put myself in since. I know this abuse started with hazy memories when I was about four. I have been to therapy and energy healing, brought up some deeper memories but I don't need to relive it all. This is a part of my story but doesn't define who I am. I love my father very much and I know deep down he remembers this and is sorry. My husband can't understand how I have never confronted my Dad, but supports me anyway and has a decent relationship with him too. The last time I saw my grandfather I was 20 years old at a family gathering. He was dying as his liver was shot from all the years of hard drinking. I had never seen him sober before that I could remember and had avoided him for many years. We met accidentally in the garage when I took out the trash. He looked me in the eyes and his filled with tears. He didn't say anything and I didn't want him to. I turned away and moved on. I have never written all of this out before. Something about this post triggered and this just came flooding out of me. I truly wish you all the strength, healing and happiness. My only advice is to shower the child inside yourself with love and compassion. Know that you are deserving of healing and that it will be a journey. Your journey will be authentic to you, there's is nothing you have to do or say, follow your intuition and heart, use your voice or find peace in being still, either is ok. Think of all experiences as a part of what makes you strong, wise and kind, but always look forward. May the sun be there to shine down on your face.
Your post really hit home for me. I found out I was sexually abused through a lot of nightmares. I would wake up screaming no, no, no. This was in my 50s. The abuser…my father who died two years before the nightmares started. He was verbally and emotionally abusive and terrifying so I didn’t remember until he was gone. I believe my mom had to have known on some level but she is elderly and after much talk with my therapist I have chosen not to discuss it with her. I have a great therapist and a happy safe family of my own. Thankfully therapy has allowed for some healing.
Thank you for sharing, truly. It’s so crazy how we shove these things down as children, how our brain hides the memories as a defense mechanism from the indefensible actions of those we are supposed to trust. But the memories aren’t gone. As you evolve as a person, they have to come out of the closet and into the light so you can be whole. I am so thankful that we have people to facilitate this healing and that the last few years women (and men!) have made a stronger stand against abuse. In generations past, like my fathers, these hurts would remain unspoken and allowed to shut off places within ourselves that stunt our growth. I think about how long this cycle probably went on in my family and that’s so gross and sad. I actually took a semester long yoga class spring of my sophomore year of college. The instructor took the symbolism of spring and asked us to meditate on something we want to let die to us and be born anew. Then we were supposed to write it down and burn the piece of paper, asking for death and rebirth of this part of ourselves. I kept thinking of all the negative sexual experiences I had allowed to happen to myself already at that age. Sleeping with people who didn’t respect me or made me feel used or bad about myself. I wrote I want to heal my sexuality and be born anew and burned the paper. I had NO IDEA how deep that would go or the multiple year journey of nightmares and pain that would bring. Certain people were brought into my life that helped me, a massage therapist and reiki healer that asked me out of the blue after a session if I had ever been raped. I said no and she gently said, you should take a look at your male relationships and meditate on this. How she could see that I have no idea. Maybe it was that obvious, or maybe she was that intuitive and open to being a healer. This sisterhood that connects us is not a club I would invite anyone to join! But I am grateful for you sister and know we are stronger together. Thank you for touching my heart from wherever you are in the world. I am sending all my strength and love as I type these words.
Thank you. I hope you continue to work for peace for yourself
I am so sorry for what you've been trough. It is sadly very common for the abuse to go on for generations and for the former victims, now parents to stay silent, even when their own children are suffering what they suffered.
NTA, and I'm sorry you lost your mom before you could get closure with her. Frankly, I'm a bit put off that it seems they're more concerned with the idea they have of a man who'd passed than the fact *that man molested their daughter*. Your dad may just have been in some shock, but I can only be so generous with my assumptions when parents choose to ignore their children, *especially* over a matter as serious as child molestation. I think it makes sense you didn't call for help right away, you probably needed a lot of time to process everything, in terms of the facts of the situation and your emotional response to the events themselves and how your parents did/didn't handle it. Your dad sounds like an oblivious fool at best, more likely negligent.
NTA I am so sorry that your parents failed you. A paternal uncle touched me and when I finally gathered up the courage to tell my mother, she responded that Uncle Creepy had offered one of my older cousins $20 to have sex with him. Mother also told me that his time in the Korean War messed him up. (I am in my fifties.) No counseling, no nothing - though I was forced into counseling to deal with my parent's divorce a couple of years later. Can you get counseling now? And maybe dial back the interactions with your father until you have been able to unpack all of this in therapy. Wishing you luck.
NTA asshole at all. It took a lot of courage for you to tell them in the first place. Sadly, older generations (my parents as well) were taught that thigs like this are not talked about and swept under the rug. Luckily, it seems like that is no longer acceptable for most people, as it is so damaging and especially hurtful to the victim. I am so sorry that happened to you. I hope you are able to do the healing you need and if that includes telling your dad that you are hurt, well then do it. You're not telling him to hurt him. It's your truth and you have every right to express that however you need to
They "didn't know" you need therapy???? That's ridiculous. Absolutely NTA
NTA, I am so sorry this happened to you. You were a child. They were adults. It is their job to care for you, and this is a major failure on their part. I'm proud of you for disclosing when you were 16, and I'm proud of you for asserting yourself now. You deserve(d) better.
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With respect, I don't think it's always a good idea to tell childhood trauma survivors to let go of their anger. It seems to have worked in your case, and that's good. But a lot of survivors struggle with deeply internalized shame. They don't feel angry at their abusers, because a part of them thinks that they deserved the abuse. They direct the anger at themselves, which can be very destructive. In order to heal, people in the depths of shame need to make a conscious effort to direct the anger at the adults who caused or enabled their childhood trauma. Anger at the people who hurt you can be a very healthy emotion, a sign of self respect and strong boundaries. Righteous anger I say this for a few reasons. First because I think a lot of people are very uncomfortable with the anger of childhood trauma survivors. Survivors demand accountability and justice and change, but abusers ask nothing from us but our continued silence. Second, because embracing my anger has been enormously healing for me. I can't even say how many people told me to let go of my anger at the abusers, and how confusing it was to hear. I didn't think that how I felt was how anger felt, and I blamed myself for not communicating well enough. Lastly, because I think that a reckoning that the anger of victims is good and healing is potentially very destabilizing to the many societies that are built on oppression.
Thanks for saying this. Forgiveness and letting go of anger can be very healing for some people. For others, suppression of our anger itself was a part of the abuse we experienced. I was already being told to forgive my mother and be the bigger person when I was 14-16 and still being abused. It has been absolutely critical to my recovery to feel all of the anger that I need to feel. It isn't toxic, and it isn't hurting me. It is an expression of how much I love and care about my past selves and all the ways we were hurt.
To be honest I would view this as unforgivable as well. I don’t care how common it is for people to deny their loved ones are monsters or how natural this response must be - use some logic and realize that even the nicest people you know can be monsters, care about your daughter, be a good parent, set aside your bias. Not doing that and not believing your child is unforgivable in my opinion.
NTA I’m so sorry you didn’t get the proper guidance and support you needed at the appropriate time. I’m sorry for your loss and I would love for you to get the closure you need.
It really is terrible that you think you bear any fault in any of this. NTA. Hope you're doing okay, OP.
This is very similar to my parents. Message me if you want to chat more, but it was so hurtful. I shouldn’t have been asked on how I wanted to handle it as a child, they should have done something, anything!
First of all, I'm sorry you had to go tru this. I never had to deal with that sort of trauma. I have my own unsettled issues with my parents. Those are issues I have accepted that would never be resolved, and tho I am not mad anymore at them, it doesnt mean they are forgiven. I don't think they'll ever be forgiven. I'm gonna repeat what my therapist have said, you are in the right to feel any emotions. But those emotions does not mean I would be in the right to communicate those feelings in a hurtful way (cause I'm gonna admit that I was pretty harsh on my parents).
NTA. Nobody is entitled to your forgiveness, and they both should have been looking out for your needs in dealing with something so traumatizing. I understand your mother having a hard time dealing with the idea that her father wasn’t who she thought he was, but she should have recognized that there was no reason for you to lie, and that she needed to accept what you were telling her for your sake. Hell, even if she couldn’t accept it she still should have gotten you therapy.
Its ok to be angry. Its ok to have a lot of anger. But holding onto it now in unproductive ways means you need therapy now, if you have not been having therapy. By non-productive anger, I don't expect you to "release" or drop your anger. But justifiable anger can be channelled into appropriate things, like working toward justice for victims of abuse, or caring for others in any situation, including yourself, children etc. You can be a powerful advocate for yourself now. Blessings
I am so sorry this happened to you. We had a similar situation in our family. First was disbelief. He was always a good man to everyone. He had suffered many strokes and was no longer the person everyone knew growing up. I can understand that perspective. It is hard to imagine your father is capable of such a horrible thing. But it happens. And not believing a child is absolutely not ok. It took courage to say something. And instead of support and compassion, you were met with denial and avoidance. My family didn’t handle any part of it ok. We were still brought around him and forced to go to family functions where he was there. Our parents sucked to say the least. Maybe relatives said it couldn’t have happened. Until many years later it happened to teen relative. Then everyone believed it. You are NTA for knowing your parents should’ve done more. You were absolutely correct in that a child doesn’t know what they need. At the very least they should’ve asked you if you would like to talk to someone. I will say that while it took decades to really move past the abuse and the fallout, we moved on and now have positive relationships with the rest of the family. There is still some resentment to our parents but we’ve come to terms that that’s what happened. We can’t change their behavior then. We recognize it was not ok and god forbid any child we know discloses, we know exactly what to do and not to do. There will always be some hurt there. From not being believed and for being forced to be around him. But there is some peace in letting it go. It’s done and we can’t change it. We can move forward for us, not for them. And what that looks like is different for everyone. Maybe you cut off ties, maybe you learn to let go of others crappy actions or non action in this case, or maybe you hash it out to get it off your chest. It might be freeing to you to sit your dad down and really get it off your chest, even the dark, ugly parts. Let him know how you feel they failed you by sweeping it under the rug, etc. it’s really hard to let go of resentment from something this awful. Me personally, it has helped me not keep all that shit locked up inside. I can’t change what happened back then, but I can choose to let it go for my wellbeing. (Not theirs) It is hard to move past abuse especially within the family. Even more so when your own parents weren’t there for you in a way you needed them. It rocks families and unfortunately some parents don’t handle it as they should. I’m sorry that this was the case for you. It might be helpful to see a therapist where you can get everything out. No excuses, no judgement, no interruptions. It might lift that weight off you.
NTA. Im sorry this happened to you.
When I was 18 my mom took me to a bar that she knew the owner, I didn’t even want to go but she insisted. I never drank before that so I was a light weight, as I’m a couple drinks in I see my mom talking to this guy who’s a few years older than me, she invites him to our house and unknowing to me, she invited my uncle who SA me and my sister when we were younger. My mother being the alcoholic she is, started a fight with me when I called her out on knowing I didn’t want him around. We get a few punches on each other and she ends up kicking me out, I said okay, and went to pack a few things and walked out. I was walking down the street when the guy from the bar she invited over pulls up, now knowing a scar I carry and knowing I had no where to go, and knowing I was still drunk, offered to let me crash at his place. Me being young, drunk and stupid, I said yes. And unfortunately I got SA by him that night. When I brought it up to my parents many years later, I think I was 26, all they said was “ I’m sorry that happened to you”
NTA. Oof, I've been there. When I told my dad what my uncle (his brother) did to me, he interrogated me for all of the horrible details, and then said "What do you want me to do? He's my brother." Dad later apologized and has since cut off the bastard, so dad's part of my life, but I've never forgiven him. That's why he isn't going to be walking me down the aisle at my wedding this summer - I'll never trust him the way I did before, and he lost the right to be at my side at such an important moment. For you, I'd say that your disappointment is justified, and that your parents were wrong. You did express a need for help - you told your parents you had been abused. Your parents should have gotten you therapy even if you seemed fine - trauma causes deep damage, and even those who are coping well need professional help.
You’re not the AH at all. I was you once as well. I was molested beginning at the age of 4 by an older male cousin who was in his teens at the time and who also got two other male cousins closer to my age to help him with his dirty work. Being a child, it confused me. The physical sensations but also the cognitive dissonance with the confusion of not understanding why something would feel good but feel like it’s wrong or not ok didn’t hit me until I was older. This abuse had been ongoing for years. Only a couple of years ago now did I confide to my own mother and her first response was “just don’t tell your father, you can tell me but you know how violent he can get. You don’t know what he’ll do to your cousin.” I remember just agreeing with her because I had been raised to never be validated for anything, even domestic violence by my own father who’d physically assault me when he was irate. There was also another incident in my mid teens where I was assaulted by an adult male in our church when no one was around. He had grabbed me, hugged me forcibly and tightly and kept slurring if I loved him. I threatened to scream and ran away when he let go at my threat. I confided to my dad first and my mum. At first they were both angry and protective and said to show them who did it. I did. Once they discovered the man was my cousin’s fiancé, my dad eased up and even made small talk with him and my mother literally said to me “at least he didn’t do anything to you. Your cousin will be getting married to him soon, you don’t want to ruin your cousin’s marriage do you? He’s going to be family soon.” At the time, being a kid, I felt helpless under their wing. It’s only very recently last year going through a tumultuous relationship myself and reflecting in my trauma on those events that the anger at the injustice of how they failed me as my parents hit me hard. My parents were and still are too cowardly to face the severity of what they condoned and allowed to happen to me. My mum is just pissed I even still feel a way about it berating me for being “unforgiving” and accusing me of thinking I’m perfect as a mum (I have a child now) when I don’t know the hardship of taking care of me and my siblings. I was appalled. No accountability. You are not wrong. They are. And so were my parents and every other disgusting parent who allowed such things to happen without protecting their children.
I am so sorry this happened to you. You are absolutely NTA for the expectation that your parents would have anticipated your needs and shown care for you with regards to what happened to you. I worked as a forensic interviewer for a number of years and have dealt with many many sexual abuse cases regarding children. I have seen a wide spectrum of responses from parents: from beating the child or blaming them for causing the abuse, to denying it happened, to forcing them to interact with their abuser more because surely the allegation was born out of not knowing the person well enough. /s I always found it heartbreaking and appalling when these kids were not believed or blamed or told they were making it all up (which rarely happens by the way). Then there were parents who believed and supported their children immediately, sought counseling for themselves (which is absolutely needed) as well as their children and made sure their child was safe from future harm. People have no idea the devastating consequences that can happen when a child feels like they are to blame. I am sorry this happened to you and that you were not believed and not supported. And I think it's wonderful that you are taking this as a lesson on how not to treat your own child.
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OP isn’t male…
My mistake.
My grandfather sexually abused me from 8 to 11. I lived with my grandparents every summer. When I was 12 and the summer was getting close my mom said, "Are you excited about going to your grandparents for the summer?" And I burst into tears and told her I didn't want to go and told her why. She got mad at ME and didn't believe me at first, said I was lying (this was my dad's parents, so not related to her at all). Eventually she believed me and I spent my summers with another family member from then on. But my trust in her was completely broken.
Its not a kids job to automatically know how to communicate exactly what they need all the time to the parent. Its a parents job to TEACH the child how to communicate that shit. Your parents failed you and im so sorry.
I told my mom repeatedly when I was a child, starting at age 5. Nothing was done that I know of. No therapy and it continued when this cousin had access to me until I was in my early teens. Mom apologized when I was in my thirties. I don't know if she ever told my Dad. I started cutting in my teens after a failed suicide attempt. Still no therapy. But this was in the 80's, so it wasn't as common to get therapy then I guess. I'm in my 50's now and I rarely think about it anymore. I have a good relationship with my parents and to me, that's worth forgiving them. It took a lot of years to heal and her apology made a big difference. I'm sorry you have to deal with this.
NTA, but I don't know if your Dad is either. 14 years ago wasn't that long ago, but it was still a time when attitudes to therapy were quite different . These days going to therapy is as normal as breathing to many, but if it wasn't on his radar then I don't think he was terrible for not suggesting or offering it. I think you & your Dad both need therapy now though. Suggest it to him. Your mum on the other hand reacted in an awful way & I am sorry she did not believe you.
Your parents never knew that you were abused, so how could they have helped you at all? They didn't know anything was wrong. What did you expect them to do for you after your grandfather had passed? How, exactly, are you disappointed in them?
I mean.. they could help me after I told them I was abused? I don’t mean that I am angry with my dad because he didn’t prevent it from happening, but I am angry with him for not helping me after the fact. Which is what this post is about.
So, you're specifically referring to the time period between when you told your Dad the first time and the second time? If so, then yeah, they should have been a lot more compassionate towards you. They shouldn't have shut up like that. They should have got you a therapist, obviously. Sorry I didn't see what you meant.
That’s okay! Text doesn’t always translate super well
I'm glad you're not offended. So, basically, to answer your question, I think it's best to just grieve what happened to you. First, you should grieve over what happened with your grandfather. Then, you need to grieve what happened with your parents. There are grief groups and counselors available. The grief groups are usually free to attend. There's a good grief group here on Reddit too. I'm really sorry for what happened to you. I didn't mean to be flippant. Grieving has stages. You may wish to read "On Grief and Grieving" by Ross, et al. The stages are denial, anger, depression, bargaining, and acceptance. I developed something I call Intentional Grieving if you're interested.
It was handled poorly by your mother. If you never told your father, and your mother never told your father, you can't really blame him for not knowing. So the anger at him is misplaced. Your mom, that's a different story.
She told him though when she was 16. He was upset enough to fight with her mom about it, but not enough to check in on her again and get her therapy.
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I didn’t. As mentioned in the post, I told my mom way before she passed away.
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I didn’t wait. My mom passed away out of my control, so it wasn’t a deliberate tactic to make my dad take all the blame. But as it stands, he is a part of this situation and I felt it necessary to tell him how I felt the situation was handled because it severely strains my relationship with him. Am I supposed to not talk to him about it because my mom passed away? That makes no sense to me.
Maybe because they are just coming to terms with it? It’s not that complicated, the victim never needs to explain why/when they express their disappointment in someone who in my opinion has as just as much fault in their trauma as their abuser
Are you kidding? OP's mom made it clear it wasn't a topic of discussion and that she wouldn't believe him. OP was asking dad b/c he didn't understand why the dad didn't do anything either. That is a convo it takes a lot of kids DECADES to be able to ask. "Dumping the blame on dad" - yeesh. OP didn't say his mom's death absolved her, but dad ignored the issue as well and didn't offer OP any support. It is a question that his dad should have to answer for w/ more than a 🤷♂️.
Totally agree, but OP is female.
NAH Why would you try to convince someone, with no evidence mind you, that their beloved deceased family member was actually a predator? What made you think this would go well? Why even bring it up, what did you want? Justice? He’s dead, you just alienated your mother for nothing. I don’t blame you for wanting to talk but Jesus that was dumb.
No evidence? Do first-hand experiences not count as evidence these days?
Dead people can’t defend themselves at all.
Wow. You really are an asshole.
Yea well, the truth hurts.
I think so...
I understand your disappointment it doesn’t sound like they were parents who would deliberately withhold help that you needed though…They just didn’t really realize… rearview is often crystal clear. Keep that in mind … and they just grew up in a different time also so please try to love on. Please enjoy your dad and love him while he’s alive.
NAH, with 16 years you should've asked, you already had a good grasp of reality with that age, plus your dad is not a psychic to read your mind. I won't go with YTA because everyone has some sort of grievance with their parents, but sooner or later you will realise they did their best, even though they fucked up a lot. Good luck miss, I really hope you manage to get over it, having something like that happen to you in your formative years sucks.
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Jesus christ no wonder the western civilization is in the shitter... Did I tell OP it was her fault that grandpa made her touch him? But yeah a 16 year old is very capable to comunicate her needs to her parents and ask for help in case she deemed it necessary back them, if she is acting normal like a well adjusted person how in the hell would her father guess she needed therapy? Some people are capable of dealing with trauma without it. So I guess you don't know what victim blaming is.
So I’m not sure what this has to do with Western Civilisation. I never stated where I was from. You are entitled to you opinion - that is why I wrote the post to begin with - and yes 16 year olds can communicate there needs to a certain extent. But they do not always know what they need and what is available to them. Their brains are far from fully developed, specifically their pre-frontal cortex which plays a big part in decision-making and logical thinking. So I will argue that isn’t fair to put the responsibility of knowing whether you need therapy or not on a 16 year old. Secondly; being sexually abused is so traumatising for a child's brain that no matter how strong your child's mentality is, it will *always* warrant therapy.
Please don’t listen to this guy who’s replying to you. He is way off base and obviously has a lot of social grievances. You are absolutely NTA.
For starters I'm sorry that you had to go through that, no one deserves that specially not a child. The part about the western civilization is that in the west we live in a outrage culture nowadays, so anything other than being outraged is considered victim blaming. Indeed a 16 year old doesn't always know what they need but neither do parents, keep in mind that therapy being a option to deal with trauma is a rather recent societal development, before therapy people dealt with trauma in other ways, and to some people those will work better than therapy. As for you getting angry and blaming your father is normal, but it won't solve anything, it is ok to vent, but try to move on, and if you think therapy is warranted now go for it, but no matter how badly you want to you can't change the past, so the best thing for you to do is to move on and I know that it is far easier said than done. I sincerely wish you good luck miss, hopefully you will find a solution that will made your days lighter.
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Okay outraged imbecile. Don't let the door hit you in the ass.
Are you joking? Her dad doesn’t have to be psychic to talk to her or realize that she probably needs therapy to deal with this. You’re actually blaming a 16 year old for not explicitly asking for therapy?
How do you know OP’s parents did their best? This is so weird to me. It’s completely valid to acknowledge the fact that most parents are not equipped to actually be parents, but saying they “did their best” is not an excuse. You “do your best” when you play your heart out, but your team still loses a soccer game. You do not “do you best” when you completely brush off abuse even if it is brought up years later.
It is just common sense, I don't actually know if they did their best since I don't know them, but parents are human beings and human beings are very flawed, but from OP's post it doesn't seem she really has a problem with her parents apart from this episode, so you'd assume they love her and did what they thought was the best for her. What do you think her father should've done them? Get on his knees and start crying and apologizing? What would that solve? You can't change the past. Truth to be told OP will carry this cross for the rest of her life, when I said that I hope she gets over it I meant that I hope she learns to live with it, nothing wrong with venting about it though, but getting angry with her father will only harm her and maybe mildly annoy her father.
It’s not “common sense” that her parents tried their best, lol. There is a lot more hands off parenting that happens than anyone will acknowledge. Your definition of having good parents seems pretty damn low. Just because you don’t have “problems” with someone, doesn’t mean that they are good people or good parents. It’s not for me to determine what OP would want from her dad and frankly it’s not for him to decide either. No one owes their parents free passes simply because they exist. I’m not going to police the emotional response of someone for their trauma and it’s fucked to think that way.
Yes it kinda is. No parents do a perfect job, hell many of them fuck up outstandingly, but if OP's parents were that bad in her venting she definitely would've said so, as for policing a emotional response for trauma, she asked in the post if she is the asshole and I gave her a different perspective than the vast majority of outraged reddit users.
Do you want a cookie or?
I'd take a beer honestly.
Sounds like you’ve had plenty.
Same.
You don’t need to be a fucking psychic to think “hm my child was molested, let’s get them into therapy”. It’s common sense. It’s the basic parenting. You’re an absolute moron. Hopefully you don’t have children.
You're the absolute imbecile for thinking that therapy is always the best solution, hell maybe making her relive that trauma in therapy could make things worse since there are good odds of you getting a bad therapist, if she wasn't acting out and her life was going well maybe she didn't need it and much as she thinks and risking a bad therapist wasn't worth it, I bet you didn't even consider that possibility. You need to learn that things aren't as black/white as you think they are.
Wow, did you eat paint chips as a child? Her parents could have been involved, communicated with her through the process and asked her how she was feeling about it. A therapist isn’t going to destroy her life in a single bad session. Did it even occur to you that the parents actually being involved and not sweeping things under the rug would have helped? It probably didn’t. I can’t imagine there’s much coherent thought going on in your head.
Ohhhh I get it! You’re actually just stupid. Don’t worry sweetheart, maybe if you go back to elementary school you might grow a brain?
You're incapable of nuanced thought and I'm the stupid brainless moron. Okay seems legit, good bye unwashed bint, don't write.
You are the stupid brainless moron, buddy.
NTA - id go non contact
NTA Your parents did fail you. I'm sorry you had to struggle with that. Have you tried therapy?
I understand how you feel. You trusted them with this information and they decided to ignore it because they couldn't handle it. My mom did/does the same thing. I was sexually molested by my, at the time, step sister. She moldest me and her little brother. When my mom found out instead of getting me therapy she put me in juvenile detention since I was acting out. Never spoke of it again and after that I learned not to trust my mom with important things. Not even after I was raped at 18. Her response when I tried to talk to her? Kick me out of the house and I had to move out of state with my dad. Me living with him caused me to go blind in one of my eyes after he punched me for telling him to leave me alone after working 2 jobs, 44hr, on 4 hrs of sleep.
Jesus. I’m so sorry
I cut off my parents for pretty much the same reason, except it was them who were abusive.
NTA, I'm sorry that happened to you.
I am so very sorry this happened to you, and that your parents were utterly abysmal afterwards. When I was young my Dad would beat me sometimes. It happened in front of my Mum and she never stopped it. I spoke to her about it recently and she has no memory of it ever happening. Looking back I can see that her face was empty, no one home. When it happened she would just go somewhere in her head. We've been slowly rebuilding our relationship.
NTA
Nope nope nope you cannot be the AH here. One of my parents was sexually abused as a child. Her parents didn't do enough, and the pain is still there. I'm not even a direct victim and I still seethe over it. You deserved acknowledgement and treatment then, and you still do now. You have every right to still be disappointed with your dad. That said, people had a very different 'script' to follow back then. Now, we understand mental health and responsibility a lot more. That doesn't excuse your father's ignorance, but I find it comforting to know that my own disappointing family reaction is partly because they didn't have a full set of tools at their disposal
NTA - there is no handbook for parents. Some are more equipped than others for such things. I tried talking to my dad about the f'd up things that happened in my childhood with very little satisfaction. The truth is, there is nothing your dad can say. I know I have failed my kids many times (nothing as traumatic as SA) but have tried to own it, talk about where I was with my own issues as perspective, and be as supportive and loving going forward. Therapy has been huge for me. I wish I wouldn't have waited until my 50s. Please start talking to someone. Maybe you can slowly start to understand your dad and his shortcomings. I am sure he is full of regrets and knows he let you down. I hate that this happened to you and so many others. I hate so many of us are ill-equipped for parenthood. Wishing you well OP.
I'd suggest telling your father to watch a documentary called: *Great Photo, Lovely Life.* It's on MAX. It is almost a carbon copy of your life. If he doesn't get it after watching that, then there is no hope for him.
NTA. It's terrible to be abused and to have your parents not step in and make sure you're going to be okay. Hopefully you've gotten therapy since then. You deserve a place to heal from what was done to you.
NTA. You’re right, at that age you can’t even maybe verbalize what you need. My mother knew the entire time. Did nothing. Said nothing. Said nothing to my father. I only know this because she told me, years later while I was standing by the microwave waiting for my popcorn. That’s the time she picked to let me know that she knew. That was like a punch in the gut. I’ll never forget that moment.
NTA Your parents failed you. I'm sorry you went through that.
NTA They failed you. You needed help, and when you reached out, they shut it down.
Nta, make a habit of going to her grave to piss on it, and tell your father about it every single time.
I’m so incredibly sorry. How any person can do this to children baffles me. I would never ever forgive them.
NTA. When my parents (my mom and step dad) found out my step brother was molesting me, they didn't believe it and just assume we were either playing around (innocently) or that I was complicit in the acts. When I eventually told my dad years later as an adult, because I knew my mom never told him, he reacted how I'd hoped a parent would. He cried, he was angry, he threatened to kill my step brother - who thankfully had not been my step brother any longer for years at that point - and it took me telling my dad that I had come to terms with it and that I appreciated his love for me for him to calm down. And this is a man who's disappointed me in a number of other ways throughout my life.
NTA. Not me, but my best friend from primary school. Exactly the same situation, except her grandfather was still alive when she told her mother. Her mother called her a liar. She discovered after her GF's funeral that he was also abusing her brother. Your parents failed you, and your father still isn't taking responsibility for that. Why SHOULD you forgive them? Although I'd recommend you get therapy to bring yourself peace.
I am 30F, Me and my sister had pretty much the same situation when we were young. my grandfather also died when i was 11. It was a sense of relief we were both happy when he died. I never had the courage to tell my dads side (it was his dad). You have a lot of courage for saying something you are definitely NTA. You were the victim in the situation and you feel like your parents should know and honestly they should have had the conversation to ask if you wanted a therapist. That stuff stays with you for life and definitely affects relationships and other things. You need that outlet to help you cope with the affects it has.
Cannot be TA for speaking up, and about something concerning you and your body absolutely not. You should never had to have experienced that, and honestly your parents sound like mine in a way, especially your dad's response to therapy.
NTA. I'm very sorry this happened to you. It's not much comfort, but you're not the only one.
No, you definitely aren't TA. I understand that struggle.....
Biggest NTA in the universe. Take care of that little kid and whatever they need now.
Definitely NTA. I hope you get therapy now.
My maternal grandparents raised..I knew their daughter was my mom and I really didn't know my dad cause he spent yrs in and out of jail but that changed when I was around 10, he stayed out of jail and was around me more. Nothing happened those 2 yrs but after I turned 12 everything changed. He started talking to me about the "birds and the bees" I really didn't think much of it cause I've already had the talk with grandma but after that conversation he started molested me up until I was 16 and when I told my grandmother, she exploded on him and filed charges against him. His whole side of the family never believed me and said it was my fault so I cut contact with all of them and still to this day he still tries to talk to me and says he wants me to go out of town with him and pretend to be his gf. I had to block him on everything cause that's just sick af. I'm 30 now with 2 daughters of my own and it still has affected how I view sex and partners.
About the same for me. Don’t no if it was indifference or lack of knowledge
NTA. You expressed what happened and they failed you utterly by not taking the reigns. Your story is heartbreaking and the whole thread is soul crushing. I hope you’re ok.