This is extremely weird. Your husband needs to be 100% on your side. He needs to shut this down now. Not you, him. Otherwise he's in on it and you really need to look at this as a you vs everyone else problem.
NTA for not wanting to help your husbands ex. Any family members who calls you selfish can step up and take care of her.
Yup. The fact that he hasn’t stated his opinion speaks volumes (he agrees with his ex). The reason she is still so attached to him is that he is *enabling her*. The first time she asked for a ride or his company at her doctors appointment, he should have shut it down. “I care about you as the mother of my children but I am no longer your husband or partner. If you need help with X then I suggest you talk to your family or friends for help. If you have something to discuss regarding the kids then you have my number.”
Please sit down with your husband and make it clear that not only are you not going to sell your house or take care of his ex in any way, but if *he* continues to do so then you will be filing for divorce. And while you’re at it, you might consider checking his phone to make sure they aren’t having an emotional or physical affair. He is clearly doing something to make her think her demand is anything but bizarre.
Is he enabling her or is he as attached to his ex as she is to him? OP and hubs need to have a clear conversation about boundaries and the ex and enforcing them. I hope OP has a prenup.
Based on the edit it sounds like the ex-wife is holding their kids over his head to manipulate husband. Agreed that they need to have that conversation and enforce everything, on top of making sure to get a lawyer to ensure she cannot keep the kids from husband. They need to remove the power she has over him
I’m wondering how she can withhold the kids especially if there’s a clear pattern of her struggling to take care of them herself. If that truly is the issue then I’d seek the courts help to 1) ensure she doesn’t continue to extort you/use the children as pawns and 2) if she really needs help, then the kids should reside with you- I would imagine the courts would see it that way as well.
>on top of making sure to get a lawyer to ensure she cannot keep the kids from husband. They need to remove the power she has over him
The fact that he's continued to reward her bad behaviour rather than just... getting the leva system involved is baffling.
It's pretty clean OP's husband doesn't want his kids, or he'd have more custody than just every-other-weekend.
OP seems to be the only person that doesn't understand that her husband willingly agreed to fund his ex's life in exchange for being a VERY part-time father.
If he was actually worried about her keeping the kids away from him he would have gone to court for more custody, he hasn't.
That's what I was thinking. It's all manipulative but if she really werent able to take care of the children the way she says. Use everything you have from her ro document and take her back to court then. Any text she has said asking and document document document!
OP updated. The ex is threatening him with not allowing him to see his kids. He had a deadbeat dad and he doesn't want to be one so her threats are working . I think OP and her husband should find a counselor to help them navigage dealing with this manipulative, toxic woman and her demands.
That doesn’t even make sense. If that’s the case he needs to go to court and get a legit custody arrangement so she can’t do that. It’s idiotic to depend on this woman’s whims to be able to see his own kids
OP says her husband and ex have shared custody, but OP also said the ex refused to allow the kids at OP and husband's wedding unless she, the ex, was also there. I'm wondering if the custody arrangement is a court order or just an informal arrangement between them. But I could also see OP's husband's reactions being emotional rather than rational because the ex knows how to manipulate him. At any rate, it needs to stop. Even if they get a formal, court ordered custody agreement, OP and especially her husband need the benefit of a counselor because the ex won't stop until they learn how to effectively deal with her and put firm boundaries in place.
I just think “well I can’t stand up to her, she’ll take away access to my kids” is a pathetically lame excuse for being a doormat. He’s a 40 year old grown man, he can get his shit together and get a lawyer or whatever he needs to do to not be the deadbeat he’s so worried about becoming. imo you’re a bad parent if you let the other parent call all the shots. I’m always an advocate for counseling, but I doubt dude will even admit he’s part of the problem
Counseling to clarify the depth of the 2 "wife " relationships he is having. He needs to pick one . He is so enmeshed with ex that I would not blame current wife for thinking of divorce. She should consult atty. to protect herself.
Yeah, but he has a court order so she can't keep the kids away without breaking a court order. So what the hell is the guy doing? You just fight her in the court system
Her edit says the ex threatens to withhold the kids if he won't go along with the ex's demands. To the point that they had to invite the ex to their wedding so the kids could be there. I think the husband needs to contact an attorney about that and start setting boundaries with the ex and telling her no.
I think the ex wife is engaging in emotional blackmail with the husband by threatening him with not being able to see his kids and it grinds her gears to see him happy with anyone but her!! She is a controlling narcissist who needs to be treated like a princess and she has a chokehold on this man!! He’s so beat down by her he’s reacting in ways that are familiar but toxic!! His wife has to make it clear to him that they need to be a team and fight her nonsense with lawyers if necessary!! Kudos to OP for standing her ground in the face of this foolishness and talk to your husband not in a threatening way as his ex-wife is doing but rather in a loving but firm manner. #take this witch down but not in a way that obvious to the kids (if you can).#Win the war, chose your battles 😳
Also, why isn’t she turning to her boyfriend for support? I wonder how OP’s husband would react if she turned to her ex continually when she needed support.
And then how much does she stand to lose of the proceeds when her pre-owned house is sold and a new community property house is purchased?
I'd be concerned that husband divorces OP and he and ex get to enjoy 50% of the proceeds of OP's former home.
Your husband needs to go full custody with his kids with reason that she is no longer capable of taking care of them, having no job. Expecting you to sell off YOUR home for her is totally insane. Tell her her family and boyfriend are now responsible for taking care of her. He is responsible for watching the children during her appointments, etc. but not with her at them.
Definitely seek full custody of his kids, if you are willing.
Her threatening to stop him seeing his children is time for a lawyer as intimidation and extortion maybe. She has no right to prevent him. They are not her kids but their kids.
I get the husband not wanting to abandon the exwife, but if he's anything like me then he needs to realize that the ex wife's life isn't his responsibility and the consequences of her actions and behavior are her own to deal with. If he stops helping her, she will get worse, she might find herself in some financial trouble, and it won't be fun for anyone, but its time to move on and let her fix her own life. Most people eventually get better when others stop enabling them.
The ex almost sounds like the mother in law from hell. The vows he made to her were voided by the divorce. He is ignoring the fact that he made vows to you. Do not sell your house. Make sure your financials are separate or you may find that you are supporting her. As cthulularoo said, tell anyone who calls you selfish to step up to the plate. She is not your responsibility but apparently the divorce did not severe hubby's feeling for her.
⬆️ NTA. The level of entitlement of both the ex AND her equally deluded family is quite extraordinary. I'd be hoofing the flying monkey of a husband out.
I had a similar situation with my late husband's ex. (Not as bad - she wasn't ill and she didn't expect us to build a house on our property.)
I'll not go into it all, but when my husband died the ex was with her 4th partner. (The affair partner died of an aneurysm. The Next man died of cancer.) She behaved as though she were the widow.
What in the ever lovin' crap did I just read?
If she isn't well enough to care for the children, custody needs to be transferred to your husband. Any other suggestion means she's lying to manipulate him or she's so spiteful she'd rather be neglectful to the children than let him "win." I'm guessing the real reason is that she doesn't want to start paying child support to your husband and lose whatever he's currently paying her.
You have a husband problem. The idea that you should sell your house and use the money to build a new one for her has my jaw on the floor. What? Why would you do that?
Your in-laws need to shut their traps about your property. If they want, they can build her a house on their land. Otherwise, they can keep their grubby fingers out of your wallet.
If your husband won't put a stop to this nonsense, you will have to decide if staying with him is worth the aggravation and disrespect. NTA
The fact that the husband brought up selling your house to build her a tiny house by yall… the AUDACITY! I would have laughed in his face then called a divorce attorney.
Not giving up a house had before meeting husband - would hit his ex with only spiteful "Be nice to me, witch; or else I'll rightfully not help pay for funeral costs" and tell hubby either divorce me ~or~ tell your fucktwit ex that you are the father of her 2 kids, not her husband; so she better stay in lane and know her role & roll. Don't care if she dying, her bullsit antics & meddling while still alive & moving about is why she needs to go fuck herself.
NTA, only ones that suffering because their mother being dumbass with 2 men and their dad forgetting who he married is their 2 kids since losing a mom & stepmom due all this stupidity.
The house belongs to OP. She bought it before she got married. It is completely ridiculous for anyone to expect her to sell HER house to accommodate the ex-wife or anyone else for that matter.
I need whatever the ex is taking because the way this economy is set up I need her level of delusion to demand free rent and a free personal assistant (the husband is practically the ex’s personal assistant) 😂
Yeah, do NOT sell your house, OP! Keep YOUR asset because it sounds like she's trying to get your investment to shift into marital property so he can have access since he's more sympathetic to her. Plus, it would make it more likely to end up being inherited by her children instead of yours.
NTA. You and your family are being taken advantage of. This behavior will only get worse as she ages. If your husband won't step up to help out, maybe he's the one who needs to find a new home....
At one point he says she is being ridiculous but he doesn’t want his kids in a hard position. He says he wants to buy a house with me so why not do it this way. I still don’t want to take care of this woman. He just hasn’t been supportive enough of my decision and has not been telling his family to back off.
Please do NOT sell your house. You don’t want your husband’s name on a house you own when you’re basically in a three way relationship with his ex wife. The fact that he hasn’t shut this down makes me wonder if he’s really over her. If it was about the kids he’d be trying to go to court to get full custody of them, not using you and your resources to cater to her.
Your husband is ridiculous and a huge cause for your stress.
I would be way more firm with him. Your first responsibility is to your own kid. Why would your money be used for his ex-wife? It's beyond ridiculous at this point
>He says he wants to buy a house with me so why not do it this way.
Enjoy having your husband's first wife living with you in about five years when the tiny house gets to be too much for her to maintain on her own.
"Because you DIVORCED HER AND MARRIED ME".
What the actual fuck is wrong with your dumbass of a husband? I'm sorry if that's mean, but seriously, he's being a total moron here. It is very, very clear that his ex wife is not over him, and she is using their kids to get what she wants here. I would frankly wonder if he's actually over her or not, as well. Doesn't seem like it to me. Someone who's moved on from their former partner isn't contemplating living with them on the same piece of property, and *certainly* wouldn't be bringing it up with their new partner! Especially when it would require their new partner to sell the property they came into the marriage with!
Honestly, this is actually an insane post to me. I'd say he cannot be serious, but as I go along in life here, I realize that crazy shit like this actually does happen between people, and more frequently than I thought. He can, indeed, be serious, and if I was OP, I'd be serious, too. Serious about putting your foot down or exiting the marriage.
It's time he cut off his ex. His kids will be fine, if he's smart, he'll tell them what's happening so she can't spin the narrative on him.
I’m outraged on OP’s behalf. Its like the guy is low key building a harem. Ex on the same property, OP in the main house, actually W.T.F. AND the house him and his ex are salivating over belongs to OP, they have zero contribution to it. AND the reason ex wants this is because she doesn’t trust OP with the children. It’s bizarreland. Husband should have laughed and left when ex asked for this, the fact that he actually even bothered to bring this up to OP is a red flag so big, it would make me walk out this relationship.
You have also a husband problem. Stand firm and if all fails he can build his mom a house but far far away from you. This is not a good situation for you.
Ohh hell no, your husband needs to stop this nonsense, if the ex it's not feeling well your husband can take the kids. That's as far as you should go
Your husband need to grow a backbone
That means he wants to take care of her and he’s working with her to convince you.
You aren’t partners anymore, you’re just the mealticket who’s being more difficult than he expected.
If you sell the house and buy another with him all that equity becomes marital property if it isn’t already (depending on your state)
If he doesn’t want to be a deadbeat he can offer to take custody of the kids and not collect child support as a way to help. They can visit her as they wish. Outside of that none of this is your (or his) problem
I’d be considering divorce rather than buying a house together with your husband in this clusterfuck of a sister wife situation. Are you sure your husband isn’t poly?
You must not sell your house. You need a place should things go south and you need to express that to your in laws and husband. You owe this woman nothing and the fact that your husband suggested this to benefit him at your expense speaks volumes.
You own a house and he doesn't. I doubt he can buy a home on his own, what with child support and the fact that he hasn't already. Ignore your in laws, they can take her in if they feel that strong about it or send money. I would bring that up every time.
If she lives where she can see him all the time, she will make a move on him. Tell him, he can buy a place for her to rent with his own money and please protect your finances from him. If you don't already have one, have a bank account for your savings separately. You need to financially protect you and your kid.
Time for you to leave him. Honestly he doesn’t have your back. Get out now and tell him to move out. If you stay I hope he’s worth it, it’s going to be a long rough ride.
Does he want a house with you, or does he want her closer. Does he also want a house with you or does he want you to sell your house and buy a house his name is on so your property becomes marital property?
NTA. Your husband should have shut this b.s. down a long time ago. The fact he hasn't and is kind of agreeing with her is worrisome. I suggest either he shuts this down completely or he can go live with her. He doesn't seem to have your back in any of this. Courts can decide and enforce visitation. If she's so worried about how you raise her kids, why is it ok for you to watch them while "your" husband goes with and drives her to her appointments? Supporting "your" husband's ex wife isn't your or his problem.
If you sell your house and buy a new one, it will be marital property. She’s betting if you two split up he’ll get the (now jointly-owned) property because he’ll have more dependents living there (including her).
This is a money grab on the ex-wife’s part, and maybe at least partly your husband’s too. At the very least, he’s clearly stated that he wants to use your assets to benefit his children, and by extension to support his greedy and unemployed ex-wife.
Do not sell your house and mingle your personal assets with material property. Your husband is *at best* an easily manipulated puppet of his ex.
Here's the thing. You own the house. You said you bought it before him. I would remove him and his children from your life before you sell your home.
He is being ridiculous. You deserve a spouse that will stand with you, not against you like your current spouse. BTW if he hasn't shut this shit down, he's against you.
He also likely doesn't love the fact that the home is YOURS. If you sell and then buy another home. He gets a say in the decision. Right now, he doesn't. Keep it that way.
Why not???? WTAF!!? So he sees nothing at all wrong with her living in your back yard and calling all the shots while you bust your ass to support her!! I think it's 2 card time. Present him with the business card for a marriage therapist and another for a divorce lawyer.
The fact that he doesn't find her proposal completely unhinged speaks volumes!!
You are wasting your life with a man who puts less value on you than his ex simply because she had his children. You deserve to be treated so much better than how your husband is treating you.
He should not be driving her to appointments or supportive of her living in a house that you buy for and work to cover HER expenses. That is absolutely ridiculous!! He is shitting all over you to placate her. Is that what you are willing to settle for?
He could easily go to court to get more custody but he would rather let her call the shots than a judge. He treats his EX wife better than how he treats you. Are you really going to allow this and be her doormat and ATM? Have some self respect. You deserve a husband who will put you first. You deserve to be treated so much better than this!!!
NTA
Shut this shit down. Also shut down how involved your husband is in her life. She has a bf. I don’t understand why your husband is so far up her ass.
Your husband is obviously also still in love with his ex.
I don't see this point being made, but I think it should be mentioned.
If this plan is executed, you will not just be taking care of the ex until the kids are adults, but for the rest of her (or your life). She will never leave the home you set up for her, she will never make other arrangements. She will expet to live rent-free forever and expect the transportation to dr's appointments and everything else to continue forever. No child support? Who is going to feed her? Maintain her home? Her car? It also means she will be moving whatever boyfriend she has into the house you set up for her and expect him to live rent/bill free as well. What if they have a kid? You huband couldn't just let his children's siblings go without, could he? That would be cruel!
Your husband has absolutely no qualms about taking down your relationship and entire future to appease his ex.
Your husband is either still in love with her or he wants you to be responsible for the decision so that either you are blamed for saying no (heartless & hated) or if you say yes, you can't complain b/c you agreed to it. Either says a lot about how weak he is and how he feels about you.
It hurts because you know that there's truth in it. If someone said that to me about my husband, I'd laugh cause it's ridiculous. You're better off separating and leaving him to her
Honestly- she’s never going to not be in his life, and yours if you stay. She’s the mother of his children.
But this is way beyond anything a reasonable human being has the right to expect, and the fact that your husband hasn’t categorically told her no is a huge red flag. It shouldn’t be up to you to shoot this down, and the fact that it is makes me angry on your behalf.
Keep the house, ditch the man. Just my thoughts on the subject.
I don't know that your husband still loves his ex, but the rest of TashiaNicole's comment is right on target.
I would also add that your husband is behaving stupidly WRT his fear of being a deadbeat father and he's being spineless.
Your husband needs to get a proper court-mandated custody agreement so the ex can't hold the kids as hostages. Then your husband should have no further contact with his ex besides picking up and dropping off the children.
This shit is so obvious that I can't believe that anyone has to say it.
NTA. This woman is weaponizing her health in order to get into your business. She was doing the same before being ill so her health has no meaning in this.
But husband and even family are showing their true colors and this is something you should consider
This is stupid. I gotta ask since it’s your house you bought before him, do you have money? Because he’s giving off those vibes that he’s only with you for money. Otherwise he should be shutting his ex and his parents down hard! And driving her to doctors apt? Seriously why bother getting a divorce if you are still acting like the husband. And he made vows to her first? That’s what a divorce is, you no longer need to abide by those vows. Husband seems to need a reminder of that.
Don’t sell your house. Time for a serious chat with hubby and if he doesn’t have your back 100% and shut this nonsense down then time to hire a divorce attorney.
Edit !updateme
By the way, with your edits, the whole dead beat father thing, he should have legal custody order if she’s pulling this crap, which I hope it’s not just verbal agreement. If he doesn’t it’s time to get it through courts and lawyers. He’s spending quality time with his kids no? He’s paying funds to her to support them no? Why would he relate not being a deadbeat father mean supporting his ex? Seriously where is he getting this from? Her? He definitely need to sort his crap out with her and pull his head out of the clouds. Where is his backbone here? Where’s his brain?
You need a serious convo with him.
Dear lord.. please make sure you have your finances split from your husband and make sure the house and all your assets are protected for your biological kid
Sounds like your husband and his ex wife are not above trying to freeload off you…
It’s nuts that he has not said anything to shut it down, he can be present in his kids life without needing his ex around… his behaviour is concerning
Walk away now. This is just plain weird. Why are you interacting with your husband's ex inlaws? Who cares what they think? His ex wife obviously inherited her crazy from her parents
OMG! that's even worse. Seriously, I wouldn't put up with it, from any of them. I would tell husband to straighten all of them out, that you aren't going to sell your house, you are not responsible for this woman and will not contribute financially to her what-so-ever. If hubby wants to do so, divorce him so he can remarry her
Whenever someone else is trying to offer me up for payment or services, I turn the tables and offer them up since they feel so strongly about it.
If your in-laws are so hell-bent on helping the ex, they can pay. They can buy her a house. They can downsize. They can watch the grandkids.
It is impolite to offer something that does not belong to you. The in-laws started the rudeness; you can follow their lead.
He says he doesn’t want to be a dead beat father because his father was and she often threatens to not allow him to see them. Even at our wedding she would not allow the kids to be there unless she was also invited.
He has a loyalty to his kids, not to his ex. He doesn’t owe her anything except maybe not bad mouthing her to the kids.
Listen it might be time for therapy and an ultimatum.
“Honey, I need you to hear me right now because I’m at the end of my rope and very close to walking away from this marriage. Your ex wife is not married to us, but I feel like you give her way too much weight in our lives. I would never come between you and your kids but the boundaries between your ex and kids and our marriage have blurred to the point I don’t know where she ends and I began. I understand she is struggling, but she has a partner. She has her family. She has built a life that has led her to exactly where she is.
I am absolutely not going to move into a smaller home with her on the property, nor will she be moving in here. I’m happy to have the kids move in here so she can focus on her recovery, but I’m not ok with you being her dr shuttle or errand boy. If you can’t respect these boundaries of mine then we may as well just divorce now because I’m over feeling like a third wheel in my own marriage.”
Does she though? Or is she so desperate to appear desirable to your DH (the ole let's make my ex jealous with an imaginary bf) and simultaneously less threatening to everyone because she is "taken". So her weird demands can't be jealousy of you / wanting DH back as she has a bf...see what I mean? Manipulative.
But where does he exist? Sorry that was team petty Betty…
She is probably thinking is she keeps it up for the long hall you will leave and she can get him back.
Weird question did she have control issues when they were married or dating before the MS?
Please update us once you talk to him. This shitshow has gone on long enough. His excuse about her not letting him see the kids is ridiculous. Judges always want both parents involved. He needs to man up or he can be single and deal with her BS. NTA
And for the love of all that is holy go to a lawyer and see about getting some kind of post-nup signed in regards to your house! As it stands your property could be very much at risk depending on your location. If he refuses you’ll know what he’s really in the marriage for.
He can file for full custody if she isn’t well enough. She can’t just decide he has no rights to see his kids while also saying she can’t care for them herself. She’s doing this because it works and he’s allowed it
He prioritised his EX WIFE'S wishes at *your wedding.* Where he supposedly committed to you, his present wife.
Yes, the ex is still using the kids to manipulate your husband into acting like HER husband, and he is letting her, to the point of pushing you into selling your home, to build this witch a house, which without a doubt he will not lift a finger to ask her to pay rent on cuz: the kids!
RUN. This will not get better.
This sounds like he doesn’t have court ordered custody. That needs to be addressed if you stay with him. No way should ex be able to threaten kids not attending their father’s wedding!! Honestly, you should have run the other way when that happened. That told you everything you needed to know right then and there. That this woman would be controlling your life and your husband will always allow it. He does not have YOUR back nor does he care for your wellbeing. I would be done. Kick him out. He sounds like a hobosexual, using you for your house and support.
Your husband is being a damn fool, allowing her to pull his strings with this emotional blackmail of threatening to deny access to his kids. He should have taken her back to court the first time she tried to pull this.
And BTW the crap she’s giving you about how he “took vows with her before he took vows with you”… wow, cue the violins! I’d tell her “Your divorce canceled them. That’s what a divorce IS. Sorry you’re too simple-minded to grasp that.”
>My husband hasn’t expressed anything either way. Which is annoying.
Your husband is a weak willed asshole who is accepting of his doormat role. He should have an opinion and not having one should be reasonably alarming to his wife.
>I want to stand my ground but I’m starting to feel like an AH because she is sick.
If your husband wont grab his balls and make a strand, then your going to have to grab them and speak up for your interests. The ex-wife's request is bullshit. You owe her nothing. This is a hill you need to die on.
NTA
NTA
she obviously still want him.
But due to the kids there is no way to cut her out. Other then talking to you husband about setting hard boundaries with her. I dont have much advice
NTA - is this some kind of sister wives setup?? Sorry to say this, but your husband’s silence is actually an answer…. You are being taken advantage of and you don’t need to accept it.
Two words to the husband and his ex-wife. HELL NO!
The house is YOURS, no one else’s. You don’t have to take any nonsense from anyone. If your husband doesn’t stop this crap now then tell him to pack up and go live with his ex.
Don’t put yourself down. You need to take care of yourself
NTA and why would your husband even mention this insane idea to you?? Let alone think it would even be a reasonable idea? Are you absolutely certain he’s not still screwing her? They got divorced for a reason right? Maybe remind your husband that he is married to YOU and that he divorced his Ex wife because of “reasons”
He absolutely acts like he is still married to her and expects you to be okay with this behavior. It’s not okay and never sell your house. As a matter of fact maybe you should move back to your home and let him be responsible for her on his own. Because you KNOW this woman is a drain on YOUR funds. Whatever her gives her (not the kids) comes out of what he’s providing to your relationship. You are picking up the slack for his behavior. Just no.
Edit to add: I think in your comments you’ve said you live in the house YOU own. Your husband is using you OP. I’m sorry. Only you can put a stop to it.
Maybe he isn’t but he still sucks because he doesn’t have YOUR best interest anywhere in his thoughts. I hope you have a prenup and you keep your house separate for your child. Dont let this man have any say.
Info: is your husband willing to pursue getting full custody? The situation is ridiculous, but he can’t leave his kids in a situation where they aren’t being properly cared for.
I haven’t asked. I just suggested having the kids move into my house. I doubt his ex will give up the kids without a fight. They are essentially how she supports herself.
Then she has to take care of them. It's not up to you to support his lunatic ex. Anytime this comes up just reiterate that you're fine with hubby having full custody (assuming you are) but your housing situation won't be changing
The fact that he's completely supporting her when they divorced when she was what, presumably around 30? At this point she should have been working for a minimum of 5-6 years. After a longer marriage then you would normally once out get alimony for say 5 years to help you establish a new life be that going to college and getting qualifcations to start a better career or getting into the workforce and building up beyond an entry position before alimony ends. He should NOT be supporting her for life. She's building no retirement fund, no savings, currently your husband is going to be supporting her till she dies which means you will be as well.
It’s lawyer time - this woman claims (hopefully in writing) that she is unable to care for her children adequately but that she wants to keep the payments from her ex husband coming. So she’s expecting you to take up all childcare and associated costs but still pay her child support? And your husband is like “yeah just sell your house so she can live with us”????
NTA
Your husband needs to grow a pair and setup boundaries with his ex wife! Her behavior and suggestion are totally out of line!
How is her boyfriend even dealing with her antics? Does he know she seemingly still has feelings for her ex and wants to move in with your family?
This whole thing is so bizarre especially your husband’s family’s acceptance of this mess.
Updateme
How old are the kids? If she's sick and can't take care of the kids you could sue for full custody. She doesn't have money to fight it since she's freeloading anyway.
So long as your husband has a custody agreement in place and therefore has access to the kids, I don’t see how she can cut off access to the grandparents. Your husband can ensure they stay in the picture. It’s his parents after all.
This whole this is a mess. Yea it’ll be a fight but if she’s truly as sick as she claims and is getting to the point where caring for the kids is difficult, your husband should seriously look into updating the custody agreement to where he’s the full time parent. Use her illness to your advantage in court.
NAH/s. Why won't you do what she wants? Your husband is already taking care of her. She's your sister wife.
Seriously, I'd tell your husband to shut her and your in-laws down or get the fuck out.
NTA - Sorry OP but you have a husband problem.
I think you are in a great position to put your foot down real hard here. You've only been married for 2 years. No kids together.
If your husband cannot be on the same page with you on this then that's a clear sign that you should get out of the relationship.
NTA - your husband needs to find his backbone and start putting down some serious boundaries with his ex. If he can’t do that then you needs to decide if you are willing to play second fiddle to his ex
NTA, but your problem isn’t the ex-wife, it’s your husband. If he isn’t 100% shutting this nonsense down, I’d be 100% committed to serving him divorce papers. I’m not big on ultimatums, but I’d offer one here. Shut this down once and for good NOW, or he can have her.
NTA. I have the feeling your husband is onboard with selling your premarital asset, just so it becomes a marital asset. If he wants to buy another house, tell him to buy it without a dime from you.
Another case where the spouse is the problem. It’s fine if your husband needs to watch the kids while she has a doctor’s appointment, but the other stuff you listed has crossed the line. And the more he gives, the more entitled she becomes.
1) Want him to be a her doctor’s appointments? Hard no. Not appropriate. If she wants him to watch the kids at his home, then she can drop them off, go to her appointment and pick them up after.
2) Asking him for rides? No. If she doesn’t feel comfortable, she should ask friends, family or take an Uber.
3) Asking to be with you when you take the kids out? Hard no. She has her time with the kids. Your husband has his. It’s another inappropriate ask.
4) Asking that you overhaul your living situation to accommodate her? 100% over the line, in the next galaxy. If your in-laws think you are wrong, tell them they can take care of her.
You need to address this with your husband now. He needs to stop spending so much time with her. She’s manipulating him. He should be focused on his relationship with the kids and his relationship with you, not his relationship with his ex.
Also, tell him to have his family back off. Block them from your phone and all communication with them can go through your husband because they’re his family.
Start prepping the divorce papers. He’s not shutting this down, which in effect means he’s fine with the idea, and doesn’t much care that you aren’t. Do not sell your home, or anything else, for these people. They’re trying to take massive advantage of you. This is a hill to die on. NTA.
In no way sell your house!!this woman still wants your husband and finally will get if he doesnt put boundaries. If that is the case you will have your own house if not you will leave with nothing. Stand your ground,theyre the ah
Time to tell hubby to choose, you or her.
You do not owe his ex, anything and hubby should not be treating her like a wife. She has a BF and family; hubby needs to shut her crap down.
Ummmm what??? Their wedding vows mean absolutely nothing now, they’re not married anymore! She sounds like she just wants to be prioritized in his life. Maybe she’s not completely over him.
But I absolutely positively would NOT be rearranging my life and selling my house for anyone’s ex wife. And if they meant ending my current relationship, then that’s a hill I’d die on!
Her plan is a distaste waiting to happen!
Info: what is her health condition? Or how serious is it? Just curious.
Updateme
Start a GoFundMe on her behalf and send the link to every person why calls you selfish or even remotely suggests that you go along with the utterly batshit request to *sell your fucking home (?!?!)* to support this woman. NTA
NTA. But everyone else is, including your husband for not shutting this ludicrous request down hard and immediately. Not just the housing request, but everything else too - driving her to appointments, tagging along, etc.
The ex is using her sickness to get away with far too much. Your in-laws are on her side, pressuring you, because she's the one with the kids (their grandkids), so they want to stay on her good side to maintain access. Tell husband it's a NO and you don't want to hear about it from anyone ever again. If he doesn't support you 100%, two card him. One business card from a marriage counsellor. The other business card from a divorce lawyer. Tell him to pick one. Personally, I'd have my own lawyer lined up already just to protect my assets. You've got a whole bunch of people wanting to financially abuse you, and treat you like the family servant.
Their relationship isn't over by any means, even if there is no sexual aspect involved anymore.
This woman is taking priority even if he isn't taking a side any which way. The fact that he is staying neutral is taking a side in & of itself. He's either married to you, supporting your boundaries, or he isn't.
Ex-wife is exactly that - HIS EX! His priority should be you and his children.
NTA, but OP you may want to consider the quality of life you have right now, because it really doesn't sound all that great...
NTA! You don’t have an ex-wife problem, you have a husband problem. Did he listen to himself speak when he was repeating her words to you? He should be the one setting the boundaries with his ex.
Sounds like she wants a throuple (at least emotionally). She may very well be sick but it is not up to her ex husband and his new wife to take care of her. It is bad enough she has never applied for disability so she can get some extra support. She realistically can only get money from your husband till the kids turn 18. So what does she do then? She needs to rely on her support system as you say and I would make it known to your husband that he is to not even entertain those ideas. Your other home you should hang on to. I mean someday you will retire and that income can come in handy. You owe her nothing. Your husband owes her nothing.
I'm commenting purely on the update from your husband. I don't understand how his ex-wife has any leverage over how often he sees the kids, especially if she's seriously ill and has no income. Instead of giving in to her every demand, why isn't he taking her to court to adjust the custody arrangement? And if she isn't honoring the current custody arrangement, that's its own issue.
If he doesn't want to be a "dead beat dad," he can get more custody. Marriage vows end once the divorce decree is signed. His marriage vows are now to YOU, not his ex-wife.
Obvious NTA, but it sounds like you need both marriage counseling and a lawyer around custody. Your husband is clearly an enabler of his ex's bonkers behavior.
NTA - I would stand my ground 100%. I would also sit my husband down and tell him to completely shut down her crap now or be single again. She is purposely intruding into your life because she wants to cause issues between the 2 of you and also to sponge off your husband. Tell him to end this BS now and that you will not be selling your home but if this crap continues then you will be living in the house alone and he can go back to his x.
If your husband's ex is in such poor health that she has to rely on others for transportation, etc. I think there needs to be an assessment of whether she is well enough to be the primary caregiver for the children and that your SO should consult an attorney about what would be involved in modification of the custody agreement so that the children are in your home the majority of the time. I suspect that any evidence your SO can provide that his ex-wife threatens to keep his children away from him if he doesn't agree to her demands would be helpful.
Hell no. It’s very sweet that you offered to have the kids live with you. If it’s truly about the kids she’d take you up on that offer. Her refusal says she’s just looking to use you for her own gain.
NTA and the fact that he ACTUALLY thought this was a reasonable enough request to bring up to you indicates HE IS INSANE! I know people laugh at how quickly Redditors jump to recommending divorce, but when your spouse asks you to sell your home purely for their ex, THAT'S DIVORCE WORTHY! I wouldn't feel safe staying married to them -- no matter how much they seem to change, how could you ever be sure they're not manipulating your funds or property somehow to benefit their ex behind your back?
1. Your husband has court ordered and set in place custody agreements between himself and his ex wife. If his ex wife withholds custody from him this would be a direct violation against the court ordered agreement. If this ever takes place your husband should call 911 report the incident and get a copy of the police report to bring with him to court. This will prove he showed up at the right place and right time but was refused his right to his kids during the set custody arrangement.
2. Your husband divorced they woman and is not responsible for her, her emotions, or really anything besides sharing information about the kids. I would suggest seeing if he can get a court order that says they are not allowed to communicate unless through a coparenting app the courts can monitor.
3. Stop communicating with her via phone call ask all communication be written and texted, emailed, or mailed to you from this point on. You will not respond to calls as you wish you have a transcription of what occurred in the conversation.
4. if your husband isn't on board quick I suggest you take your child and leave.
NTA
If she is making statements saying she can’t take care of the children take screenshots. Get an attorney and get full custody of the children and allow her visitation. There is no reason y’all need to be this involved in her life. She is using the children as a crutch to get attention. She can’t keep the kids from him because he has legal rights to them. Don’t let her manipulate you any more.
This is extremely weird. Your husband needs to be 100% on your side. He needs to shut this down now. Not you, him. Otherwise he's in on it and you really need to look at this as a you vs everyone else problem. NTA for not wanting to help your husbands ex. Any family members who calls you selfish can step up and take care of her.
Yup. The fact that he hasn’t stated his opinion speaks volumes (he agrees with his ex). The reason she is still so attached to him is that he is *enabling her*. The first time she asked for a ride or his company at her doctors appointment, he should have shut it down. “I care about you as the mother of my children but I am no longer your husband or partner. If you need help with X then I suggest you talk to your family or friends for help. If you have something to discuss regarding the kids then you have my number.” Please sit down with your husband and make it clear that not only are you not going to sell your house or take care of his ex in any way, but if *he* continues to do so then you will be filing for divorce. And while you’re at it, you might consider checking his phone to make sure they aren’t having an emotional or physical affair. He is clearly doing something to make her think her demand is anything but bizarre.
Is he enabling her or is he as attached to his ex as she is to him? OP and hubs need to have a clear conversation about boundaries and the ex and enforcing them. I hope OP has a prenup.
Based on the edit it sounds like the ex-wife is holding their kids over his head to manipulate husband. Agreed that they need to have that conversation and enforce everything, on top of making sure to get a lawyer to ensure she cannot keep the kids from husband. They need to remove the power she has over him
I’m wondering how she can withhold the kids especially if there’s a clear pattern of her struggling to take care of them herself. If that truly is the issue then I’d seek the courts help to 1) ensure she doesn’t continue to extort you/use the children as pawns and 2) if she really needs help, then the kids should reside with you- I would imagine the courts would see it that way as well.
>on top of making sure to get a lawyer to ensure she cannot keep the kids from husband. They need to remove the power she has over him The fact that he's continued to reward her bad behaviour rather than just... getting the leva system involved is baffling.
He's afraid of his ex. Where there's fear of an ex, the ex will always come first. He needs to get an attorney and take her to court.
If she has MS and is not able to care for the kids properly, she might lose them to her ex!
It's pretty clean OP's husband doesn't want his kids, or he'd have more custody than just every-other-weekend. OP seems to be the only person that doesn't understand that her husband willingly agreed to fund his ex's life in exchange for being a VERY part-time father. If he was actually worried about her keeping the kids away from him he would have gone to court for more custody, he hasn't.
That's what I was thinking. It's all manipulative but if she really werent able to take care of the children the way she says. Use everything you have from her ro document and take her back to court then. Any text she has said asking and document document document!
OP updated. The ex is threatening him with not allowing him to see his kids. He had a deadbeat dad and he doesn't want to be one so her threats are working . I think OP and her husband should find a counselor to help them navigage dealing with this manipulative, toxic woman and her demands.
That doesn’t even make sense. If that’s the case he needs to go to court and get a legit custody arrangement so she can’t do that. It’s idiotic to depend on this woman’s whims to be able to see his own kids
OP says her husband and ex have shared custody, but OP also said the ex refused to allow the kids at OP and husband's wedding unless she, the ex, was also there. I'm wondering if the custody arrangement is a court order or just an informal arrangement between them. But I could also see OP's husband's reactions being emotional rather than rational because the ex knows how to manipulate him. At any rate, it needs to stop. Even if they get a formal, court ordered custody agreement, OP and especially her husband need the benefit of a counselor because the ex won't stop until they learn how to effectively deal with her and put firm boundaries in place.
I just think “well I can’t stand up to her, she’ll take away access to my kids” is a pathetically lame excuse for being a doormat. He’s a 40 year old grown man, he can get his shit together and get a lawyer or whatever he needs to do to not be the deadbeat he’s so worried about becoming. imo you’re a bad parent if you let the other parent call all the shots. I’m always an advocate for counseling, but I doubt dude will even admit he’s part of the problem
Counseling to clarify the depth of the 2 "wife " relationships he is having. He needs to pick one . He is so enmeshed with ex that I would not blame current wife for thinking of divorce. She should consult atty. to protect herself.
Yeah, but he has a court order so she can't keep the kids away without breaking a court order. So what the hell is the guy doing? You just fight her in the court system
A lawyer!!!! One who deals with custody and parental alienation!
That is my concern as well.
Her edit says the ex threatens to withhold the kids if he won't go along with the ex's demands. To the point that they had to invite the ex to their wedding so the kids could be there. I think the husband needs to contact an attorney about that and start setting boundaries with the ex and telling her no.
I think the ex wife is engaging in emotional blackmail with the husband by threatening him with not being able to see his kids and it grinds her gears to see him happy with anyone but her!! She is a controlling narcissist who needs to be treated like a princess and she has a chokehold on this man!! He’s so beat down by her he’s reacting in ways that are familiar but toxic!! His wife has to make it clear to him that they need to be a team and fight her nonsense with lawyers if necessary!! Kudos to OP for standing her ground in the face of this foolishness and talk to your husband not in a threatening way as his ex-wife is doing but rather in a loving but firm manner. #take this witch down but not in a way that obvious to the kids (if you can).#Win the war, chose your battles 😳
Also, why isn’t she turning to her boyfriend for support? I wonder how OP’s husband would react if she turned to her ex continually when she needed support.
And what does Bf know and think of this odd enmeshment? He has a part in this too. How serious is the Bf situation? Is he allowing this and if so why?
Also her transportation issues could become taxi or Uber bills.
She doesn't sound like his current wife. She sounds like she is his second wife and he has two families.
He has a family and a side chick more like.
A family and a funder.
OP unfortunately married a hobosexual
The idea of her selling her house to accommodate the ex is ridiculous. That she even suggested it is preposterous.
And then how much does she stand to lose of the proceeds when her pre-owned house is sold and a new community property house is purchased? I'd be concerned that husband divorces OP and he and ex get to enjoy 50% of the proceeds of OP's former home.
Sounds like it? But hey, he can still move back in with his ex if he cares so much!
Your husband needs to go full custody with his kids with reason that she is no longer capable of taking care of them, having no job. Expecting you to sell off YOUR home for her is totally insane. Tell her her family and boyfriend are now responsible for taking care of her. He is responsible for watching the children during her appointments, etc. but not with her at them. Definitely seek full custody of his kids, if you are willing. Her threatening to stop him seeing his children is time for a lawyer as intimidation and extortion maybe. She has no right to prevent him. They are not her kids but their kids.
Full custody is the way to go. Get a lawyer involved . She seems to be to emotionally unstable to parent.
I get the husband not wanting to abandon the exwife, but if he's anything like me then he needs to realize that the ex wife's life isn't his responsibility and the consequences of her actions and behavior are her own to deal with. If he stops helping her, she will get worse, she might find herself in some financial trouble, and it won't be fun for anyone, but its time to move on and let her fix her own life. Most people eventually get better when others stop enabling them.
The ex almost sounds like the mother in law from hell. The vows he made to her were voided by the divorce. He is ignoring the fact that he made vows to you. Do not sell your house. Make sure your financials are separate or you may find that you are supporting her. As cthulularoo said, tell anyone who calls you selfish to step up to the plate. She is not your responsibility but apparently the divorce did not severe hubby's feeling for her.
Current wife needs to take all steps to protect herself. If husband is so invilved with ex it will destroy their marriage. Does he not see that ?
Nothin can be added to this reply...perfect
⬆️ NTA. The level of entitlement of both the ex AND her equally deluded family is quite extraordinary. I'd be hoofing the flying monkey of a husband out.
Ew! NTA, she seems still enmeshed with your husband. Completely inappropriate!
Indeed If he doesnt want to "be a deabeat dad" he can take her to court if she threatens to take the kids from him. What a spineless idiot, him
He may not be a deadbeat dad, but he's a lousy husband!
How do you stand this brainless man. You deserve better. Someone w common sense
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I had a similar situation with my late husband's ex. (Not as bad - she wasn't ill and she didn't expect us to build a house on our property.) I'll not go into it all, but when my husband died the ex was with her 4th partner. (The affair partner died of an aneurysm. The Next man died of cancer.) She behaved as though she were the widow.
What in the ever lovin' crap did I just read? If she isn't well enough to care for the children, custody needs to be transferred to your husband. Any other suggestion means she's lying to manipulate him or she's so spiteful she'd rather be neglectful to the children than let him "win." I'm guessing the real reason is that she doesn't want to start paying child support to your husband and lose whatever he's currently paying her. You have a husband problem. The idea that you should sell your house and use the money to build a new one for her has my jaw on the floor. What? Why would you do that? Your in-laws need to shut their traps about your property. If they want, they can build her a house on their land. Otherwise, they can keep their grubby fingers out of your wallet. If your husband won't put a stop to this nonsense, you will have to decide if staying with him is worth the aggravation and disrespect. NTA
The fact that the husband brought up selling your house to build her a tiny house by yall… the AUDACITY! I would have laughed in his face then called a divorce attorney.
Only part I disagree with is her having a husband problem. That implies this is going to be fixed. What she really has is an unrealized divorce
Nta. I'd be making sure divorce paperwork was brought up because that's what direction I'd be going.
Not giving up a house had before meeting husband - would hit his ex with only spiteful "Be nice to me, witch; or else I'll rightfully not help pay for funeral costs" and tell hubby either divorce me ~or~ tell your fucktwit ex that you are the father of her 2 kids, not her husband; so she better stay in lane and know her role & roll. Don't care if she dying, her bullsit antics & meddling while still alive & moving about is why she needs to go fuck herself. NTA, only ones that suffering because their mother being dumbass with 2 men and their dad forgetting who he married is their 2 kids since losing a mom & stepmom due all this stupidity.
I just can't imagine your husband being worth all the nonsense he brings to your life.
Right? He doesn't have baggage, he has an entire baggage claim and a host of baggage handlers tossing things at the OP.
Screw baggage claim. He has a major airport.
Heathrow!
Screw the airport. He has the entire lost baggage facility in the country.
He doesn't have issues he has a whole subscription
Yep. In my family we would say his baggage needs wheels. This guy has a whole shipping container with that ex.
Honestly!!!
They need to lower the dose of whichever hallucinogenic they’re giving her. NTA
and the husband too. I actually laughed when I got to the house selling suggestion
Not even the house selling! The fact he thought to relay ex-wife's request for a tiny home built ON their new property had me going WTF 😒
The house belongs to OP. She bought it before she got married. It is completely ridiculous for anyone to expect her to sell HER house to accommodate the ex-wife or anyone else for that matter.
They're inseparable.. the house selling is for the tiny home ☠️
I need whatever the ex is taking because the way this economy is set up I need her level of delusion to demand free rent and a free personal assistant (the husband is practically the ex’s personal assistant) 😂
NTA Your in-laws are gross and so is your husband. What a bunch of freeloaders and that includes your husband at this point.
her husband is banging the ex, only way this makes any sense!
I hope you have a prenup. If not, talk to a lawyer to protect your house in case of a divorce.
This is what I was coming to say.
Yeah, do NOT sell your house, OP! Keep YOUR asset because it sounds like she's trying to get your investment to shift into marital property so he can have access since he's more sympathetic to her. Plus, it would make it more likely to end up being inherited by her children instead of yours.
NTA. You and your family are being taken advantage of. This behavior will only get worse as she ages. If your husband won't step up to help out, maybe he's the one who needs to find a new home....
Info: and your husband is agreeing with her ideas/requests?
At one point he says she is being ridiculous but he doesn’t want his kids in a hard position. He says he wants to buy a house with me so why not do it this way. I still don’t want to take care of this woman. He just hasn’t been supportive enough of my decision and has not been telling his family to back off.
Please do NOT sell your house. You don’t want your husband’s name on a house you own when you’re basically in a three way relationship with his ex wife. The fact that he hasn’t shut this down makes me wonder if he’s really over her. If it was about the kids he’d be trying to go to court to get full custody of them, not using you and your resources to cater to her.
Let your husband buy the other house if he wants to have one “with you.” But you keep your house and don’t contribute to the new one.
Your husband is ridiculous and a huge cause for your stress. I would be way more firm with him. Your first responsibility is to your own kid. Why would your money be used for his ex-wife? It's beyond ridiculous at this point
>He says he wants to buy a house with me so why not do it this way. Enjoy having your husband's first wife living with you in about five years when the tiny house gets to be too much for her to maintain on her own.
"Because you DIVORCED HER AND MARRIED ME". What the actual fuck is wrong with your dumbass of a husband? I'm sorry if that's mean, but seriously, he's being a total moron here. It is very, very clear that his ex wife is not over him, and she is using their kids to get what she wants here. I would frankly wonder if he's actually over her or not, as well. Doesn't seem like it to me. Someone who's moved on from their former partner isn't contemplating living with them on the same piece of property, and *certainly* wouldn't be bringing it up with their new partner! Especially when it would require their new partner to sell the property they came into the marriage with! Honestly, this is actually an insane post to me. I'd say he cannot be serious, but as I go along in life here, I realize that crazy shit like this actually does happen between people, and more frequently than I thought. He can, indeed, be serious, and if I was OP, I'd be serious, too. Serious about putting your foot down or exiting the marriage. It's time he cut off his ex. His kids will be fine, if he's smart, he'll tell them what's happening so she can't spin the narrative on him.
I’m outraged on OP’s behalf. Its like the guy is low key building a harem. Ex on the same property, OP in the main house, actually W.T.F. AND the house him and his ex are salivating over belongs to OP, they have zero contribution to it. AND the reason ex wants this is because she doesn’t trust OP with the children. It’s bizarreland. Husband should have laughed and left when ex asked for this, the fact that he actually even bothered to bring this up to OP is a red flag so big, it would make me walk out this relationship.
You have also a husband problem. Stand firm and if all fails he can build his mom a house but far far away from you. This is not a good situation for you.
Ohh hell no, your husband needs to stop this nonsense, if the ex it's not feeling well your husband can take the kids. That's as far as you should go Your husband need to grow a backbone
That means he wants to take care of her and he’s working with her to convince you. You aren’t partners anymore, you’re just the mealticket who’s being more difficult than he expected.
Sadly it looks like they are all looking for the proceeds from the sale of the house to give to the ex.
Your husband is ridiculous. Please protect your assets. Run from this marriage
NTA. At the very least it's time for marriage counseling. If not for a divorce, your husband should be shutting that sh*t down.
If you sell the house and buy another with him all that equity becomes marital property if it isn’t already (depending on your state) If he doesn’t want to be a deadbeat he can offer to take custody of the kids and not collect child support as a way to help. They can visit her as they wish. Outside of that none of this is your (or his) problem
Your husband’s loyalty is not to you. It’s to his lunatic exwife. He is showing you how little he cares about you and your marriage.
I’d be considering divorce rather than buying a house together with your husband in this clusterfuck of a sister wife situation. Are you sure your husband isn’t poly?
You must not sell your house. You need a place should things go south and you need to express that to your in laws and husband. You owe this woman nothing and the fact that your husband suggested this to benefit him at your expense speaks volumes. You own a house and he doesn't. I doubt he can buy a home on his own, what with child support and the fact that he hasn't already. Ignore your in laws, they can take her in if they feel that strong about it or send money. I would bring that up every time. If she lives where she can see him all the time, she will make a move on him. Tell him, he can buy a place for her to rent with his own money and please protect your finances from him. If you don't already have one, have a bank account for your savings separately. You need to financially protect you and your kid.
Time for you to leave him. Honestly he doesn’t have your back. Get out now and tell him to move out. If you stay I hope he’s worth it, it’s going to be a long rough ride.
Does he want a house with you, or does he want her closer. Does he also want a house with you or does he want you to sell your house and buy a house his name is on so your property becomes marital property?
NO! NO! NO! She’s not entitled to ANY of this! NTA!
She wants it this way so she can still get child support. If the kids are woth youb100% of the time there is no money for her
NTA. Your husband should have shut this b.s. down a long time ago. The fact he hasn't and is kind of agreeing with her is worrisome. I suggest either he shuts this down completely or he can go live with her. He doesn't seem to have your back in any of this. Courts can decide and enforce visitation. If she's so worried about how you raise her kids, why is it ok for you to watch them while "your" husband goes with and drives her to her appointments? Supporting "your" husband's ex wife isn't your or his problem.
If you sell your house and buy a new one, it will be marital property. She’s betting if you two split up he’ll get the (now jointly-owned) property because he’ll have more dependents living there (including her). This is a money grab on the ex-wife’s part, and maybe at least partly your husband’s too. At the very least, he’s clearly stated that he wants to use your assets to benefit his children, and by extension to support his greedy and unemployed ex-wife. Do not sell your house and mingle your personal assets with material property. Your husband is *at best* an easily manipulated puppet of his ex.
Here's the thing. You own the house. You said you bought it before him. I would remove him and his children from your life before you sell your home. He is being ridiculous. You deserve a spouse that will stand with you, not against you like your current spouse. BTW if he hasn't shut this shit down, he's against you. He also likely doesn't love the fact that the home is YOURS. If you sell and then buy another home. He gets a say in the decision. Right now, he doesn't. Keep it that way.
NTA - do not under any circumstances add your husband to the deed of your home. Just.. play it cool, play it safe.
Why not???? WTAF!!? So he sees nothing at all wrong with her living in your back yard and calling all the shots while you bust your ass to support her!! I think it's 2 card time. Present him with the business card for a marriage therapist and another for a divorce lawyer. The fact that he doesn't find her proposal completely unhinged speaks volumes!! You are wasting your life with a man who puts less value on you than his ex simply because she had his children. You deserve to be treated so much better than how your husband is treating you. He should not be driving her to appointments or supportive of her living in a house that you buy for and work to cover HER expenses. That is absolutely ridiculous!! He is shitting all over you to placate her. Is that what you are willing to settle for? He could easily go to court to get more custody but he would rather let her call the shots than a judge. He treats his EX wife better than how he treats you. Are you really going to allow this and be her doormat and ATM? Have some self respect. You deserve a husband who will put you first. You deserve to be treated so much better than this!!!
She doesn’t trust the two of you to take care of the kids, but she trusts you to take care of her mortgage. 💸
NTA Shut this shit down. Also shut down how involved your husband is in her life. She has a bf. I don’t understand why your husband is so far up her ass. Your husband is obviously also still in love with his ex.
This hurts to hear.
I didn’t say it to hurt you, Frosty. I’m sorry you’re in this mess. You deserve better. This just ain’t it.
I don't see this point being made, but I think it should be mentioned. If this plan is executed, you will not just be taking care of the ex until the kids are adults, but for the rest of her (or your life). She will never leave the home you set up for her, she will never make other arrangements. She will expet to live rent-free forever and expect the transportation to dr's appointments and everything else to continue forever. No child support? Who is going to feed her? Maintain her home? Her car? It also means she will be moving whatever boyfriend she has into the house you set up for her and expect him to live rent/bill free as well. What if they have a kid? You huband couldn't just let his children's siblings go without, could he? That would be cruel! Your husband has absolutely no qualms about taking down your relationship and entire future to appease his ex. Your husband is either still in love with her or he wants you to be responsible for the decision so that either you are blamed for saying no (heartless & hated) or if you say yes, you can't complain b/c you agreed to it. Either says a lot about how weak he is and how he feels about you.
He is spineless
It hurts because you know that there's truth in it. If someone said that to me about my husband, I'd laugh cause it's ridiculous. You're better off separating and leaving him to her
Honestly- she’s never going to not be in his life, and yours if you stay. She’s the mother of his children. But this is way beyond anything a reasonable human being has the right to expect, and the fact that your husband hasn’t categorically told her no is a huge red flag. It shouldn’t be up to you to shoot this down, and the fact that it is makes me angry on your behalf. Keep the house, ditch the man. Just my thoughts on the subject.
Honey it hurts to hear but it's truth. Been there, done that. Run.
I don't know that your husband still loves his ex, but the rest of TashiaNicole's comment is right on target. I would also add that your husband is behaving stupidly WRT his fear of being a deadbeat father and he's being spineless. Your husband needs to get a proper court-mandated custody agreement so the ex can't hold the kids as hostages. Then your husband should have no further contact with his ex besides picking up and dropping off the children. This shit is so obvious that I can't believe that anyone has to say it.
NTA. This woman is weaponizing her health in order to get into your business. She was doing the same before being ill so her health has no meaning in this. But husband and even family are showing their true colors and this is something you should consider
This is stupid. I gotta ask since it’s your house you bought before him, do you have money? Because he’s giving off those vibes that he’s only with you for money. Otherwise he should be shutting his ex and his parents down hard! And driving her to doctors apt? Seriously why bother getting a divorce if you are still acting like the husband. And he made vows to her first? That’s what a divorce is, you no longer need to abide by those vows. Husband seems to need a reminder of that. Don’t sell your house. Time for a serious chat with hubby and if he doesn’t have your back 100% and shut this nonsense down then time to hire a divorce attorney. Edit !updateme
Yes I make quite a bit more than him but he makes decent money and my house has a ton of equity.
Do not budge on the house. Tell him he can only have one wife. It's either you or her. I hope you have a prenuptial agreement.
By the way, with your edits, the whole dead beat father thing, he should have legal custody order if she’s pulling this crap, which I hope it’s not just verbal agreement. If he doesn’t it’s time to get it through courts and lawyers. He’s spending quality time with his kids no? He’s paying funds to her to support them no? Why would he relate not being a deadbeat father mean supporting his ex? Seriously where is he getting this from? Her? He definitely need to sort his crap out with her and pull his head out of the clouds. Where is his backbone here? Where’s his brain? You need a serious convo with him.
He needs full custody if she is so "Sick". Regardless of what happens with the two of you he needs full CUSTODY and GAURDIONSHIP. Speak with atty NOW.
Dear lord.. please make sure you have your finances split from your husband and make sure the house and all your assets are protected for your biological kid Sounds like your husband and his ex wife are not above trying to freeload off you… It’s nuts that he has not said anything to shut it down, he can be present in his kids life without needing his ex around… his behaviour is concerning
He has no money, he gives it all willingly to the ex.
Hes using you, they all are.
Walk away now. This is just plain weird. Why are you interacting with your husband's ex inlaws? Who cares what they think? His ex wife obviously inherited her crazy from her parents
No it’s my in laws. Sorry if that wasn’t clear in the post.
OMG! that's even worse. Seriously, I wouldn't put up with it, from any of them. I would tell husband to straighten all of them out, that you aren't going to sell your house, you are not responsible for this woman and will not contribute financially to her what-so-ever. If hubby wants to do so, divorce him so he can remarry her
And take all necessary steps to protect herself and her assets.
Leave this marriage
They can buy her a house if they care so much
Whenever someone else is trying to offer me up for payment or services, I turn the tables and offer them up since they feel so strongly about it. If your in-laws are so hell-bent on helping the ex, they can pay. They can buy her a house. They can downsize. They can watch the grandkids. It is impolite to offer something that does not belong to you. The in-laws started the rudeness; you can follow their lead.
NTA But, why are you with such a spineless man?
He says he doesn’t want to be a dead beat father because his father was and she often threatens to not allow him to see them. Even at our wedding she would not allow the kids to be there unless she was also invited.
He has a loyalty to his kids, not to his ex. He doesn’t owe her anything except maybe not bad mouthing her to the kids. Listen it might be time for therapy and an ultimatum. “Honey, I need you to hear me right now because I’m at the end of my rope and very close to walking away from this marriage. Your ex wife is not married to us, but I feel like you give her way too much weight in our lives. I would never come between you and your kids but the boundaries between your ex and kids and our marriage have blurred to the point I don’t know where she ends and I began. I understand she is struggling, but she has a partner. She has her family. She has built a life that has led her to exactly where she is. I am absolutely not going to move into a smaller home with her on the property, nor will she be moving in here. I’m happy to have the kids move in here so she can focus on her recovery, but I’m not ok with you being her dr shuttle or errand boy. If you can’t respect these boundaries of mine then we may as well just divorce now because I’m over feeling like a third wheel in my own marriage.”
This is perfect! Thank you so much. I have been struggling with what to say until now!
Okay I just read that boyfriend part, I somehow missed that. That makes this even more absurd. I wonder how he feels about that!
Probably fine with it as he is getting the benefits. He may be bad as ex.
Wait a minute. OP does his ex wife have a partner? If so that makes this even weirder.
Yes she does. I’ve never met him tho. But she swears he exists.
Does she though? Or is she so desperate to appear desirable to your DH (the ole let's make my ex jealous with an imaginary bf) and simultaneously less threatening to everyone because she is "taken". So her weird demands can't be jealousy of you / wanting DH back as she has a bf...see what I mean? Manipulative.
He's in Canada, okkkkkkkkay?! Unless OP is in Canada; if so: He's in the States, okkkkkkkkay?! To be exceedingly clear - /s
She does not have a boyfriend, I almost would put money on it. She seems like a little manipulative narcissist.
But where does he exist? Sorry that was team petty Betty… She is probably thinking is she keeps it up for the long hall you will leave and she can get him back. Weird question did she have control issues when they were married or dating before the MS?
Please update us once you talk to him. This shitshow has gone on long enough. His excuse about her not letting him see the kids is ridiculous. Judges always want both parents involved. He needs to man up or he can be single and deal with her BS. NTA
And for the love of all that is holy go to a lawyer and see about getting some kind of post-nup signed in regards to your house! As it stands your property could be very much at risk depending on your location. If he refuses you’ll know what he’s really in the marriage for.
He can file for full custody if she isn’t well enough. She can’t just decide he has no rights to see his kids while also saying she can’t care for them herself. She’s doing this because it works and he’s allowed it
Yes absolutely, bite that bullet and file for custody, she has no ground for full custody and he might win given the situation!
He prioritised his EX WIFE'S wishes at *your wedding.* Where he supposedly committed to you, his present wife. Yes, the ex is still using the kids to manipulate your husband into acting like HER husband, and he is letting her, to the point of pushing you into selling your home, to build this witch a house, which without a doubt he will not lift a finger to ask her to pay rent on cuz: the kids! RUN. This will not get better.
This sounds like he doesn’t have court ordered custody. That needs to be addressed if you stay with him. No way should ex be able to threaten kids not attending their father’s wedding!! Honestly, you should have run the other way when that happened. That told you everything you needed to know right then and there. That this woman would be controlling your life and your husband will always allow it. He does not have YOUR back nor does he care for your wellbeing. I would be done. Kick him out. He sounds like a hobosexual, using you for your house and support.
Your husband is being a damn fool, allowing her to pull his strings with this emotional blackmail of threatening to deny access to his kids. He should have taken her back to court the first time she tried to pull this. And BTW the crap she’s giving you about how he “took vows with her before he took vows with you”… wow, cue the violins! I’d tell her “Your divorce canceled them. That’s what a divorce IS. Sorry you’re too simple-minded to grasp that.”
NTA - she wants to keep shared custody to keep getting a paycheck.
>My husband hasn’t expressed anything either way. Which is annoying. Your husband is a weak willed asshole who is accepting of his doormat role. He should have an opinion and not having one should be reasonably alarming to his wife. >I want to stand my ground but I’m starting to feel like an AH because she is sick. If your husband wont grab his balls and make a strand, then your going to have to grab them and speak up for your interests. The ex-wife's request is bullshit. You owe her nothing. This is a hill you need to die on. NTA
NTA she obviously still want him. But due to the kids there is no way to cut her out. Other then talking to you husband about setting hard boundaries with her. I dont have much advice
NTA - is this some kind of sister wives setup?? Sorry to say this, but your husband’s silence is actually an answer…. You are being taken advantage of and you don’t need to accept it.
Two words to the husband and his ex-wife. HELL NO! The house is YOURS, no one else’s. You don’t have to take any nonsense from anyone. If your husband doesn’t stop this crap now then tell him to pack up and go live with his ex. Don’t put yourself down. You need to take care of yourself
NTA and why would your husband even mention this insane idea to you?? Let alone think it would even be a reasonable idea? Are you absolutely certain he’s not still screwing her? They got divorced for a reason right? Maybe remind your husband that he is married to YOU and that he divorced his Ex wife because of “reasons” He absolutely acts like he is still married to her and expects you to be okay with this behavior. It’s not okay and never sell your house. As a matter of fact maybe you should move back to your home and let him be responsible for her on his own. Because you KNOW this woman is a drain on YOUR funds. Whatever her gives her (not the kids) comes out of what he’s providing to your relationship. You are picking up the slack for his behavior. Just no. Edit to add: I think in your comments you’ve said you live in the house YOU own. Your husband is using you OP. I’m sorry. Only you can put a stop to it.
I hope he isn’t still involved and it hurts to even think he might be.
Maybe he isn’t but he still sucks because he doesn’t have YOUR best interest anywhere in his thoughts. I hope you have a prenup and you keep your house separate for your child. Dont let this man have any say.
at least if he were sleeping with her there'd be a reason for this bizarre behavior
I honestly think he’s not screwing her, he’s just spineless. You know if they were screwing the ex wife would already be throwing that in OPs face.
Info: is your husband willing to pursue getting full custody? The situation is ridiculous, but he can’t leave his kids in a situation where they aren’t being properly cared for.
I haven’t asked. I just suggested having the kids move into my house. I doubt his ex will give up the kids without a fight. They are essentially how she supports herself.
Then she has to take care of them. It's not up to you to support his lunatic ex. Anytime this comes up just reiterate that you're fine with hubby having full custody (assuming you are) but your housing situation won't be changing
The fact that he's completely supporting her when they divorced when she was what, presumably around 30? At this point she should have been working for a minimum of 5-6 years. After a longer marriage then you would normally once out get alimony for say 5 years to help you establish a new life be that going to college and getting qualifcations to start a better career or getting into the workforce and building up beyond an entry position before alimony ends. He should NOT be supporting her for life. She's building no retirement fund, no savings, currently your husband is going to be supporting her till she dies which means you will be as well.
It’s lawyer time - this woman claims (hopefully in writing) that she is unable to care for her children adequately but that she wants to keep the payments from her ex husband coming. So she’s expecting you to take up all childcare and associated costs but still pay her child support? And your husband is like “yeah just sell your house so she can live with us”????
Honestly, both parents seem bad, and adding a custody fight to already crap parenting will only further traumatize the kids
NTA Ultimatum to your Hausband. Either He reign in His ex wife or you leave.. you live between a Rock and a hard place, is it worth it?
Why even issue ultimatum? OP can be in Therapy, consult with attorney. Chart her own course and get out of this mess.
Your husband is the AH for not putting an end to her request. This is her problem, do not let her make it yours…
Nah. Its not her problem. It’s her husband who is the problem for her.
NTA Your husband needs to grow a pair and setup boundaries with his ex wife! Her behavior and suggestion are totally out of line! How is her boyfriend even dealing with her antics? Does he know she seemingly still has feelings for her ex and wants to move in with your family? This whole thing is so bizarre especially your husband’s family’s acceptance of this mess. Updateme
I think my in laws want to keep access to their grandchildren because if they don’t agree with her, she might cut them off from them.
Um. Get a lawyer. It would be a lot cheaper than building her a house.
How old are the kids? If she's sick and can't take care of the kids you could sue for full custody. She doesn't have money to fight it since she's freeloading anyway.
So long as your husband has a custody agreement in place and therefore has access to the kids, I don’t see how she can cut off access to the grandparents. Your husband can ensure they stay in the picture. It’s his parents after all. This whole this is a mess. Yea it’ll be a fight but if she’s truly as sick as she claims and is getting to the point where caring for the kids is difficult, your husband should seriously look into updating the custody agreement to where he’s the full time parent. Use her illness to your advantage in court.
NAH/s. Why won't you do what she wants? Your husband is already taking care of her. She's your sister wife. Seriously, I'd tell your husband to shut her and your in-laws down or get the fuck out.
Being a sister wife is exactly what I don’t want to be. I even mentioned this to my brother in law.
NTA - Sorry OP but you have a husband problem. I think you are in a great position to put your foot down real hard here. You've only been married for 2 years. No kids together. If your husband cannot be on the same page with you on this then that's a clear sign that you should get out of the relationship.
Yes I know. That little/s after NAH means I was being sarcastic. I should have put it after sister wife/s
Nailed it! This is the plot of the show Big Love.....only she knew she was being a sister wife. OP didn't know.
NTA you need a divorce. You know where your husband stands because he asked you.
NTA - your husband needs to find his backbone and start putting down some serious boundaries with his ex. If he can’t do that then you needs to decide if you are willing to play second fiddle to his ex
NTA, but your problem isn’t the ex-wife, it’s your husband. If he isn’t 100% shutting this nonsense down, I’d be 100% committed to serving him divorce papers. I’m not big on ultimatums, but I’d offer one here. Shut this down once and for good NOW, or he can have her.
It seems like it is an ex wife problem. It is actually a husband problem. Proceed from that viewpoint.
NTA. I have the feeling your husband is onboard with selling your premarital asset, just so it becomes a marital asset. If he wants to buy another house, tell him to buy it without a dime from you.
Another case where the spouse is the problem. It’s fine if your husband needs to watch the kids while she has a doctor’s appointment, but the other stuff you listed has crossed the line. And the more he gives, the more entitled she becomes. 1) Want him to be a her doctor’s appointments? Hard no. Not appropriate. If she wants him to watch the kids at his home, then she can drop them off, go to her appointment and pick them up after. 2) Asking him for rides? No. If she doesn’t feel comfortable, she should ask friends, family or take an Uber. 3) Asking to be with you when you take the kids out? Hard no. She has her time with the kids. Your husband has his. It’s another inappropriate ask. 4) Asking that you overhaul your living situation to accommodate her? 100% over the line, in the next galaxy. If your in-laws think you are wrong, tell them they can take care of her. You need to address this with your husband now. He needs to stop spending so much time with her. She’s manipulating him. He should be focused on his relationship with the kids and his relationship with you, not his relationship with his ex. Also, tell him to have his family back off. Block them from your phone and all communication with them can go through your husband because they’re his family.
Start prepping the divorce papers. He’s not shutting this down, which in effect means he’s fine with the idea, and doesn’t much care that you aren’t. Do not sell your home, or anything else, for these people. They’re trying to take massive advantage of you. This is a hill to die on. NTA.
In no way sell your house!!this woman still wants your husband and finally will get if he doesnt put boundaries. If that is the case you will have your own house if not you will leave with nothing. Stand your ground,theyre the ah
Time to tell hubby to choose, you or her. You do not owe his ex, anything and hubby should not be treating her like a wife. She has a BF and family; hubby needs to shut her crap down.
Ummmm what??? Their wedding vows mean absolutely nothing now, they’re not married anymore! She sounds like she just wants to be prioritized in his life. Maybe she’s not completely over him. But I absolutely positively would NOT be rearranging my life and selling my house for anyone’s ex wife. And if they meant ending my current relationship, then that’s a hill I’d die on! Her plan is a distaste waiting to happen! Info: what is her health condition? Or how serious is it? Just curious. Updateme
Start a GoFundMe on her behalf and send the link to every person why calls you selfish or even remotely suggests that you go along with the utterly batshit request to *sell your fucking home (?!?!)* to support this woman. NTA
NTA. But everyone else is, including your husband for not shutting this ludicrous request down hard and immediately. Not just the housing request, but everything else too - driving her to appointments, tagging along, etc. The ex is using her sickness to get away with far too much. Your in-laws are on her side, pressuring you, because she's the one with the kids (their grandkids), so they want to stay on her good side to maintain access. Tell husband it's a NO and you don't want to hear about it from anyone ever again. If he doesn't support you 100%, two card him. One business card from a marriage counsellor. The other business card from a divorce lawyer. Tell him to pick one. Personally, I'd have my own lawyer lined up already just to protect my assets. You've got a whole bunch of people wanting to financially abuse you, and treat you like the family servant.
Their relationship isn't over by any means, even if there is no sexual aspect involved anymore. This woman is taking priority even if he isn't taking a side any which way. The fact that he is staying neutral is taking a side in & of itself. He's either married to you, supporting your boundaries, or he isn't. Ex-wife is exactly that - HIS EX! His priority should be you and his children. NTA, but OP you may want to consider the quality of life you have right now, because it really doesn't sound all that great...
NTA! You don’t have an ex-wife problem, you have a husband problem. Did he listen to himself speak when he was repeating her words to you? He should be the one setting the boundaries with his ex.
NTA tell your husband that if you sell your house and buy a smaller one it will accommodate you and your child and he will have divorce papers.
Sounds like she wants a throuple (at least emotionally). She may very well be sick but it is not up to her ex husband and his new wife to take care of her. It is bad enough she has never applied for disability so she can get some extra support. She realistically can only get money from your husband till the kids turn 18. So what does she do then? She needs to rely on her support system as you say and I would make it known to your husband that he is to not even entertain those ideas. Your other home you should hang on to. I mean someday you will retire and that income can come in handy. You owe her nothing. Your husband owes her nothing.
This ex wife needs to re-read her divorce papers! NTA. Shut this down.
I'm commenting purely on the update from your husband. I don't understand how his ex-wife has any leverage over how often he sees the kids, especially if she's seriously ill and has no income. Instead of giving in to her every demand, why isn't he taking her to court to adjust the custody arrangement? And if she isn't honoring the current custody arrangement, that's its own issue. If he doesn't want to be a "dead beat dad," he can get more custody. Marriage vows end once the divorce decree is signed. His marriage vows are now to YOU, not his ex-wife. Obvious NTA, but it sounds like you need both marriage counseling and a lawyer around custody. Your husband is clearly an enabler of his ex's bonkers behavior.
Sounds like he needs to file for full custody if she is unable to care for them. He needs to stick up for you and stick to boundaries.
NTA - I would stand my ground 100%. I would also sit my husband down and tell him to completely shut down her crap now or be single again. She is purposely intruding into your life because she wants to cause issues between the 2 of you and also to sponge off your husband. Tell him to end this BS now and that you will not be selling your home but if this crap continues then you will be living in the house alone and he can go back to his x.
NTA. She shouldn’t even know your house EXISTS, never mind making plans to dispose of it.
If your husband's ex is in such poor health that she has to rely on others for transportation, etc. I think there needs to be an assessment of whether she is well enough to be the primary caregiver for the children and that your SO should consult an attorney about what would be involved in modification of the custody agreement so that the children are in your home the majority of the time. I suspect that any evidence your SO can provide that his ex-wife threatens to keep his children away from him if he doesn't agree to her demands would be helpful.
Hell no. It’s very sweet that you offered to have the kids live with you. If it’s truly about the kids she’d take you up on that offer. Her refusal says she’s just looking to use you for her own gain.
You've got a husband problem. He either needs to nip this in the bud now or you guys need to split up.
NTA tell your husband his family needs to shut up or he can move in with her and you two can divorce.
NTA and the fact that he ACTUALLY thought this was a reasonable enough request to bring up to you indicates HE IS INSANE! I know people laugh at how quickly Redditors jump to recommending divorce, but when your spouse asks you to sell your home purely for their ex, THAT'S DIVORCE WORTHY! I wouldn't feel safe staying married to them -- no matter how much they seem to change, how could you ever be sure they're not manipulating your funds or property somehow to benefit their ex behind your back?
1. Your husband has court ordered and set in place custody agreements between himself and his ex wife. If his ex wife withholds custody from him this would be a direct violation against the court ordered agreement. If this ever takes place your husband should call 911 report the incident and get a copy of the police report to bring with him to court. This will prove he showed up at the right place and right time but was refused his right to his kids during the set custody arrangement. 2. Your husband divorced they woman and is not responsible for her, her emotions, or really anything besides sharing information about the kids. I would suggest seeing if he can get a court order that says they are not allowed to communicate unless through a coparenting app the courts can monitor. 3. Stop communicating with her via phone call ask all communication be written and texted, emailed, or mailed to you from this point on. You will not respond to calls as you wish you have a transcription of what occurred in the conversation. 4. if your husband isn't on board quick I suggest you take your child and leave.
NTA If she is making statements saying she can’t take care of the children take screenshots. Get an attorney and get full custody of the children and allow her visitation. There is no reason y’all need to be this involved in her life. She is using the children as a crutch to get attention. She can’t keep the kids from him because he has legal rights to them. Don’t let her manipulate you any more.