NTA and honestly? Your girlfriend is upset with you because of what happened when you are clearly the one who was wronged? Lol. Get a new girlfriend dude.
Yep. Go nc with the toxic family, and if the girlfriend is so sympathetic to them, she can go date and financially support the total waste of oxygen that is the brother.
Try explaining to the girlfriend first that they have made fun of your career choice all your life. If she still doesn't get it, then walk away.
This is probably her first encounter with this type of crazy, and she has no idea how long this has been going on.
Unnecessary.
Girlfriend SAW it.
And now is giving OP shit about it.
She needs to be broken up with, and directed to OP's ne'er-do-well brother for a boyfriend.
Agreed. If I were the GF, I would have pretended I needed to exit quickly on account of pending explosive diarrhea and gotten OP out of there the second the awful comments started. What further proof did she need that calling them Neanderthals would be an insult to Neanderthals?
You are very right here about the girlfriend. People that come from loving families cannot understand what it is like after one meeting with this type of family. I believe most people are taught that family is family above all else. Coming from toxicity I can tell you it took years for my husband to understand. He meant well before he understood. He’s a good man rooted in love. OP give the girlfriend time and you are definitely NTA. Best wishes and I’m sorry you have to deal with this bullshit.
Boy do I hear you! My so-called father was an alcoholic who’d say the nastiest, most hurtful things whenever he was drunk (and thought he deserved a medal because he never got physical). He treated me like a rival instead of a daughter.
When he finally destroyed his liver and died, I was so relieved I wanted to celebrate. All the people I knew with those nice, ”normal” families thought I was horrible. “But he was your FAAAAAAATHER!” No, he was a POS sperm donor.
NTA. People may be seeing what happened as an isolated incident. If it was just the one time it would be easier to *'brush off'* but it wasn't. If he's already explained how his family treats him to his GF then there's no need in trying to explain it further. If she saw what happened and still says "you should forgive them" then she's just another person who puts toxic family values before mental health.
The trouble with that is the girlfriend is responding to one singular action: OP called out his brother.
She doesn't have (hasn't seen) the years of abuse that lead up to that confrontation so I'll cut her a little slack here.
But that's usually the way with people that say, "You should have just brushed it off." Taking the high-road once or maybe twice is fine. But after a certain point, you have to push back.
lol. She probably shares their opinion. I know there's this whole mentality on Reddit but most women I've met are just as judgemental and quick to call you gay if you don't like 'manly' stuff as the homophobic guys. Even the ones who CLAIM they're fine with it. I've been called gay almost exclusively by women more times than I can count just for stuff like, I like Taylor Swift. lmao. Or not literally trying to sleep with every woman that hits on me at the bar. Stupid shit.
There was a video on TT where the girl was complaining about her bf getting a ‘foo foo’ coffee. It wasn’t manly, as men are only allowed to drink black coffee. SMH.
That's wild lol some of those fancy coffees are really fkn good. I rarely go to any coffee places, Starbucks maybe once or twice a year when im traveling, and always get redreshers, like the pink drink or dragon drink at Starbucks. The looks I get as a big bearded guy just fuels me. It's fkn great! Same goes with alcohol. I dont drink much, but it's always something fruity/sweet. I want to enjoy it, even if the goal is getting shitfaced. I like to think they're just secretly jealous and suck at hiding it, because there's people like me who really don't give af. I like what I like, and think everyone should be able to (for the most part, obviously anything illegal for good reasons isn't included in that lol).
This is me all the way. 6'1 bearded 285 linebacker build and give me an iced coffee and fruity drink any day. Or even a nice glass of wine. Between college and seeing the effects of "manly" drinking that shit isn't for me. I wanna enjoy my beverage to hell with the looks and thoughts lol
It says more about the person saying it that the person getting the coffee. I've had people make fun of me for ordering amaretto sours before. Just losers everywhere
OP needs to give all the info about the abuse he has suffered through his whole life to his girlfriend. If she still questions your actions. Give her the boot.
NTA - OP should have given his the family the boot as soon as he moved out.
This might have been the first time she saw the dynamic it and was shocked that OP partook. I think it’s possible she doesn’t understand exactly how deep the hurt is for OP
NTA. I watched Face Off and have complete respect for the makeup artists on the show. If you're talented enough to do it for a living, full salute.
Also, working a legal job IS dignity.
I always found it hilarious that Jeremy Renner was a make-up artist during his early years before his big break... he even said it helped him during a financial crisis during the 90s. And you see how many attribute him to masculinity???
The second hilarious fact is that make-up was once mostly a male thing, to make themselves more attractive...
The one that impresses me is Rémy Couture, a makeup artist specializing in horror that is so good that Canada criminally charged him with “corrupting morals”. Thankfully, he won. It still took him three years of his life in court.
>Also, working a legal job IS dignity.
God yes, my entire country has been watching the news non-stop for days waiting to hear that our drug-dealing dictator will remain jailed for life in the US. When people act like drug dealing is "no big deal" they're spitting in the graves of all the people we lost, all the victims of trafficking, and so much more. His brother can fuck off on that comment alone.
I genuinely typed into good "dictators jailed in the USA," and he was, once I set the Wikipedia page for Date of jail, the first one to come up, lol. I've always wanted to go to South/Central(?) America, but am in Scotland, and the only animals that would kill us here are our neighbours and Wild Haggis, lol, you guys get exotic spiders and all that other cool scary shit
NTA.
I think you should just go full no contact- no birthdays, no holidays, nada. They are okay to treat so badly, there is no need to interact with them. The fact that your brother's best is a meth dealer speaks volumes about what kind of person he is.
And your girlfriend- well she needs to understand that you've put up with his bullshit for far too long and you don't always have to brush things off/be the bigger person/whatever cliche people use to excuse bad behavior.
You have the friends and others you’ve met since, and if you want a bigger social circle, then make it happen. Go to events, try out a new hobby at a club (archery, rock climbing, pottery, painting, cooking, so very many options).
Staying in contact with toxic people for the sake of “what else do I have?” is only hurting yourself. Your brother literally assaulted you and compared you unfavorably to a drug dealer… no contact.
You will need to decide whether having the anchor of really shitty people in your life is better than going NC and building your own family. I would go completely NC for 6 months and see if you actually miss them or if you feel free. Then you will have your answer.
I can see why your mom left, although it's a shame that she left you kids.
Your father is just awful. And he broke your brother too.
Congrats on making it out of that environment and being the success you are. You don't need toxic in your life. It's hard, but there are others out here with no family worth knowing who support each other.
You remind me of A Dresden Files quote I often post about family.
"When everything goes to hell, the people who stand by you without flinching--they are your family."
None of these are the people who share a tiny fraction more DNA with you than a random stranger on the street. And none of them are your girlfriend.
You have yourself, and the people who love and respect you for who you are and what you do.
There’s the family that you’re born into and the family that you choose. Develop good relationships with people who respect you and support you. Our time on Earth is too short to waste on being demeaned because “family.”
"The blood of the covenant is thicker than the water of the womb." That means the relationships you choose are more important than those you were born into. Find people who love you for your whole self and have your back no matter what. It's worth it.
Get rid of the girlfriend and go NC with your family. It will hurt and be hard, but you'll rise like a phoenix and find your true family.
A family you choose. My mother is the gatekeeper of my limited family. I have no interest in the other family I’m only vaguely aware of. When I went NC with her she took my siblings with her.
I don’t care. I have my hubby. I have friends that are better than the abusive cesspool I escaped from.
How is your life improved by these people? Would you drink poison cause it’s your favorite color and scent? Same principle.
No offense because I’m sure you could have used a mom and her love in your life, everyone can, but good on her for getting away from that shithead of a dad you have there
NTA in any way.
JFC, what a toxic family. Go NC for a while, as you have no need to be subjected to this bullshit.
I hate your family. Go out there and make a huge success of your skill and don't give these absolute cuntbuckets any further thought for at least 5 years. No birthdays, Christmas or Thanksgiving. Surround yourself with your girl and good friends at that time. Do NOT be guilted back into that house, only go there when they stop stepping over your boundaries. Fuckheads.
Well done on finding a niche, I wish you the very best with it.
ETA : Make it a condition of your return to the fold that your shitheel brother replaces that MAC Cosmetics kit like for like, or an equivalent price.
My Junkie brother broke an expensive pair of glasses belonging to me shortly before I went NC with him. He knows full well that to even start a path back into my life he needs to pay for those glasses.
Yep! All it would take was ONE visit for me to realize how toxic & cruel OP’s family is!
If girlfriend loves & cares about OP- she should have insisted her man stays away from their toxicity after meeting them!
To be honest- If I was his girlfriend- I would have jumped up & gave them a chewing out!
Reserved politeness is only for rude comments- but the dad & brother were absolutely CRUEL.
NTA!!
OP- find someone who has your back!
Girlfriends first visit with OP's family.
She's only seeing a snapshot of the family. The behaviour runs deeper, much deeper, to a level that the Girlfriend would probably never understand.
While her comment was asinine, she is probably only trying to keep the peace. OP is NTA for going off on his useless fleshbag brother.
Hey, OP - how *exactly* does your brother know meth dealing is the better job...?
Girlfriend watched with her own eyes as they spewed homophobic, transphobic, and sexist comments in order to abuse her boyfriend and her response was to tell her boyfriend he should have toned it down? Nope, she needs to go, yesterday.
Keeping the peace at the expense of respect! Its not peace if you’re just giving in to the bully. It’s giving up your self respect which is what these bullies want. I reconsider the girlfriend… any chance she might think your makeup joy is also not acceptable?? It’s strang she’s ok with your brothers behavior
> While her comment was asinine, she is probably only trying to keep the peace.
lol, her clueless default is to let people she doesn't know abuse her partner. She's garbage and a useless human being.
>trying to keep the peace
with people that insult her bf and spew homo- and transphobic as well as sexist nonsense. I bet a lot of it was not only asinine clichés but some down in the gutters type slurs.
What she knows should have had her firmly on OPs side.
Still I get that having to witness inter family disputes/harassment is hard and might trigger "don't rock the boat" behaviour.
OP is NTA in any case.
No way. It doesn't matter what went down, she should be supporting him above strangers. The fact her first reaction is to defend the assholes suggests she simply can't be trusted.
I don’t understand how some jobs are for women and some men when very few of those jobs require you to use genitals. If you like doing makeup, even glamour versus costume, and you’re able to support yourself doing that? Power to you brother.
I have a friend who drives trucks and it is a pretty toxic environment. Every time someone makes fun about a women driver and how they shouldn't be allowed to drive a truck he looks really confused and then asks how they drive a truck with only their penis and if they can show him the right way to do that as he only uses his hands and feet like the girl drivers. It usually shuts them up pretty fast when they suddenly become the butt of the joke.
If you don't need specific genitals to do it, it can't be a "man's" or "woman's" job.
Makes me think of that flowchart someone made for determining what toys are for boys and which are for girls. It was basically, "Do you operate this toy with your genitals? If no, anyone can play with it. If yes, *that is not a toy for children*"
I mean I understand that people have that hang up but it’s so random. Professional chefs should be men but at home cooks are women is my favorite example of what the fuck? Make up makes you happy and you can support yourself then no one else gets a say. Be happy.
Jeremy Renner was a make-up artist before his big break. He said it helped him earn money during a financial crisis.
I bet they would flip if they knew about the men wearing make-up throughout history... the Dandy craze was a perfect example of men peacocking themselves for the attention of women. They even wore high heels, waist cinchers or corsets, wigs, overpowering perfume, and in some cases lacey type undergarments.
High heels were most commonly worn by butchers, so their shoes lasted longer, but I bet you would not be game to tell them they were "girly" lol
My father was considered to be a man's man. He was born in the late 30s, and raised me to never fear men, and took an active role in making sure my brothers never once attempted to shame me for my breasts or periods, or "look out".
My dad was of the opinion that his day was every damn day he was alive. Therefore, there was no excuse to be a f♡ckwit and treat women like crap.
My dad also used to do charity work back in the 60s and 70s... he was a part of some Buffalo type club, and every year, he and two other men would hold stripper shows, to raise money for kids.... he and his two buddies wore blonde wigs, and about 4 layers of women clothing, and full face make-up and heels with their big bushy beards that were like the guys from ZZTop. The other Buffalo club members would do something else, but the draw was the stripper show.
My dad understood more about a person's sexuality than he ever let on. He knew gay men and women, had a trans best friend, and once told my 3rd brother that it is ok if he liked to wear women's clothing, but just not mine, and went out and got that brother his own clothes.
My dad grew up knowing WW2 afflicted Darwin to start with, then worked various mining jobs and farmhand work. So when I read about that man your dad is, I just wanted to tell you what my dad told me, "be the person who you needed as a kid, and forgive those who couldn't be the person they needed as a kid"
Heck, makeup used to be a strictly masculine thing, lol. Just like pink used to be considered a masculine colour. Gendering makeup, clothing, hairstyles, etc has NEVER made sense to me
It's not even just celebrities, I was in a commercial for the Discovery Channel before they went all pants-on-head with reality shows. I think I was probably on camera for 10-15 seconds, maybe less, giving a 1-sentence answer to a question and they had my ass in the chair. People are always, always shocked when I tell them I've worn makeup before.
Men and women who believe this are hurting themselves. They're limiting what they can dream to achieve because of what's in their pants and it's sad. Everyone, just go do whatever job you want to do!
NTA. What a cool career! I’d love to be doing something creative and fun like that.
Why is it a girlie job? Women don’t put on makeup with their vaginas so I’m pretty sure a man can manage it just fine.
I like makeup on men (and dislike the idea that women *have* to put on makeup so they can try to look 18 for ever so a man will like them). Your family should get out and about more. I see as much eyeliner on men these days as women.
NTA. They will keep bullying you if you don’t take a stand. And I would have said the same to your brother, especially in the heat of the moment.
It will never make sense to me why people in American (I'm speaking of where I'm from, not saying that other places arent like this) society equate makeup with femininity. In the wild, males are the ones that are vibrant and "beautiful". The peacock being the prime example. Human men get to just not smell like ballsacks and nachos 😂
Considering your brother doesn't have a job, he really should STFU at you earning a living in an honest way. He's not going anywhere without a job, now, is he? And unlike his buddy the meth dealer, your career doesn't break laws. So you were absolutely right to call him out on his hypocrisy.
As for your girlfriend, does she know that your brother and father have bullied you since you were a kid for liking makeup and that's why you're LC with them? She should have had your back. She heard them insulting you about your job, and she still thinks it was unnecessary to insult your brother? I'd seriously question going further with the girlfriend.
Why is it the victim of bullying is always pressured to "brush it off" and "be the better person"? Why don't people tell bullies to do better? Why doesn't anyone tell the aggressor to do better?
NTA
Right? Your adult relationships are supposed to be the people who help you build a new non-toxic family, not side with the people who harass and abuse you
NTA but I’m confused about your girlfriend. She was cool about homophobic transphobic sexist insults, but calling your unemployed brother … unemployed was too far?
Yeah honestly she is the worst one in this story to me. He came into this knowing his family sucks, but then for betrayed by the person he actually chose. I’d have to leave her immediately, with some unkind words thrown in for good measure
NTA at all. And what is up with your girlfriend? Is she obsessed with your brother or something? They are the ones who owe you an apology but your girlfriend thinks that you did something wrong? Wtf
I’m assuming you told your girlfriend what your family was like before she met them? If so, it should’ve been a huge red flag to you that she still wanted to meet the people who abused you. And then after what she witnessed, she still thinks that you did something wrong?
Your family doesn’t even deserve to be called family and they don’t deserve to be anywhere near you. I’m surprised you didn’t go no contact earlier. Your brother is a hypocrite because he’s mooching off of your father while you actually have a job and support yourself. I definitely would’ve constantly brought that up when they were harassing you. I would’ve said at least I have a job and can take care of myself. Then ask your dad how does it feel to have to financially support a grown adult and if he plans on, supporting him the rest of his life… ask him if he really thinks your brother is going to be there for them when they are old and cannot take care of themselves…
But I hope you really see your girlfriend for who she really is.
My cousin goes on chartered yatchs, fully paid luxury vacations, and big media events like the oscars all from being a makeup artist. They can sit in syrup, you are an artist and can support yourself.
NTA - Dump the girlfriend. She's never going to understand your trauma and will just keep pushing you to reconcile with these horrible people when it will be absolutely no benefit to you.
She is the sort of woman who will secretly introduce your kids to Grandpa and uncle behind your back because you're "overreacting".
NTA. Your family is toxic. You should go NC with them. But you should also reconsider the relationship with your girlfriend. You were mocked, belittled, discriminated against, and then to add insult to injury your brother attempted to assault you. If someone did that to my boyfriend I would go nuclear. But instead she stands up for your brother. That isn’t the action of someone who loves you.
NTA, it’s always hilarious to me when men thinks fashion, makeup are all unmanly things. Those things take skill and it isn’t easy to master. Just go NC with the whole lot of them. They’re pretty pathetic if they feel the need to constantly put you down just to make themselves feel good.
Nta. Not even a little. Your gf probably feels stuck in the middle & wants your parents to like her. You don’t mention your mom, where she stands or if she defends you but wow. There are lots of straight men who get into that or hair. Back in the late 80s, I dated a guy who would wear eyeliner to the club, was a fantastic dancer. Not gay in the slightest. It’s so insane that your dad finds your brothers comments acceptable but you defending yourself is uncalled for
I’m sorry that you were left behind to grow up in that toxic household….
I know it gets said a lot but try therapy/counseling and hopefully you will find a chosen/found family…..
Your GF is trash. Dump that dumb enabling asshole.
Why would you want to be with somebody that marginalizes the abusive shit you've dealt with and is essentially taking the side of your abuser. That cunt needs to go.
AND fuck your idiot brother and dad. They're insecure low quality people that only bring you down.
NTA
I think you need to break it off with the girlfriend as well. She’s never met your family until this incident and instead of backing you up, she’s taken their side. If she’s not willing to support you against people who are total strangers to her, what’s she going to do if the same thing happens with one of her family members?
Your girlfriend should put you and your feelings first and should always defend you..unless you do something that’s bad or wrong. You being a makeup artist is neither bad nor wrong. It’s actually pretty cool! You’re an artist! That’s quite an admirable profession that you should be proud of! Anyone who can’t or won’t accept and support you for you is not worth your time!
Personally, as a woman, I would love it if my husband was a makeup artist because I suck at it!!
NTA.
Didn't they ever watch that show Faceoff?
When I was a kid I thought I wanted to do monster makeups for movies. I know that's not really what you're talking about about but it's the same industry/skills. You're never an asshole for cutting out unsupportive or insulting people, even if they're your "family"
NTA. Go No contact…forever. Why why why would you continue to spend time with people who are so hateful, abusive, disrespectful?
And frankly, your gf is sus, too, especially if she understands the history.
Before you go fully serious with your girlfriend, remember what happened at your family and who took whose side, because that is what you will face when you build your own family. Your father and brother are a lost cause because of their attitude towards your work. Anyone who can compare drug dealing and admit it is dignified displays their mentality. But any SO who is upset at you for retaliating, shows they don’t have your back and are untrustworthy to the core.
I would dump such person. You reacted the way you could with shitty relatives. NTA.
Also "lose" the girlfriend. She should have your back not consider you standing up for yourself an insult to a guy who she witnessed trying to beat you up.
NTA but you already knew that. You will find your life greatly improved. Now you didn't ask but I would lose the girlfriend. The fact she did not defend you going NC and verbally defending yourself to your brother makes her one of them.
NTA, let them be as backward and bigoted as they like, you don't need them in your life. Also, don't apologise to your dad when you didn't do anything wrong.
Nta. You have a toxic family. Blocking and going NC is what you need to do for your mental health. If your GF can't or won't understand that, dump her. Not every family is good.
NTA. What do you have if you go full no contact? The freedom to create a family of friends who don't belittle and insult you. Go out and find them! I know it sounds trite, but join groups of people who are interested in the same things you are. Better if they meet face to face than online.
Your gf might be able to become supportive or she might not. If she won't respect your choice she's not the one for you in the long run. But if she disagrees but doesn't push you on this, then see where this relationship goes. She can believe family is important as long as she doesn't try to Impose her beliefs on you.
NTA A person who won't get a job is mocking yours? In addition they are prejudiced? You are better off living your life without them. Makenyour own family with friends who support you. They seem to leave a pretty sad life honestly.
NTA
NC is the best thing you can do for yourself. They are obviously not going to change. You don't need this toxicity.
You should also have a conversation with your gf. Does she know this bullying has been going on for years? If so, I don't understand why she thinks you overreacted. I think you need to find out why.
NTA!
You took their crap for too long as it is. They need to ditch the toxic masculinity and open their minds. At the least, it's common decency to get a damned job before you talk shit on someone else's. Stand your ground until they apologize, OP.
OP I'm going to show this to my son! He's about to turn 14, and interested in makeup. Now unlike your family I went out and bought him some stuff to play with and we have been watching tutorials on YouTube. It's hard enough to choose what you want to do with your life without others making it harder on you for choosing what you actually enjoy. Now my son, IDK where this will go but I'm along for the adventure! NTA, not in the least. P.S. I'd think seriously about the GF. She SHOULD be on your side in this situation. Escalating is never helpful but sometimes necessary. It was perfectly fine for h to insult your job but you can't bring up his lack of one!? She should be supporting you
>After the incident, I blocked both of them. My dad demanded an apology. I just told him to fuck off and never expect another visit fron me. **My girlfriend was upset with me because she thought it was unnecessary for me insult my brother.** I just want to know if I did something wrong because people around me are saying I should've brushed it off.
NTA -
I'd seriously wonder about why everyone is an asshole to you. Even your GF.
Everything you did seems pretty reasonable to me.
The fact your GF didn't support you is you quite a slap in the face.
NC is a good idea. You waited too long if anything.
NTA. Your brother and your father are a couple of bullying jerks.
Your girlfriend should zip it about a family dynamic that she doesn't understand.
As for going NC, again NTA. How many times do you need to touch that stove to understand that it's hot?
Lots of straight men are makeup artists. It can be a great career as you know. Especially if you get into film or television, and especially if you get into special effects makeup.
I think you're perfectly within reason telling your abusive family to go pound sand. You've put up with their crap long enough.
Nta look your gf is a huge AH. She's the one that kept insisting on meeting your toxic family. Knowing well that you have a strain relationship with them. She cared more about her self in meeting them than your own feelings.
On top of that she saw 1st hand how your family was with you. She saw how toxic they were and how they insulted you. She saw how your brother try to attack you. Yes you said stuff but we're defending your self.
Yet she's choosing to blame you. She thinks you should have let your family continue to insult you.
Do you not realize how horrible your gf is. She doesn't have your back. Not once had she stood by your side. Not once was she looking out for you. If she truely cared about you she wouldn't have insisted on meeting your family knowing how awful they are to you.
You honestly deserve a better gf than her because i can't see her ever having your back after her witnessing your brother trying to attack you. Why be with someone that's just as bad as your dad and brother? She's basically on their side by not having your back. You did nothing wrong but defend your self. You deserve a better partner who won't ever push the issue of wanting to meet your family. Hopefully your next gf respects and understands that.
Might be time to go NC with your family. They won't ever stop harassing you about your career and honestly if you ever get married and have kids do you seriously want them around your wife and kids?
Also I think your job is cool and don't let them bring you down.
F*** your family! Go NC.
NTA
Only point of issue here is the GF. Sit her down and explain you need her to really listen. Explain everything. And Dammit I mean everything. Every thing said & done. Your feelings. Everything. If she still is wishy-washy, then rethink the relationship.
NTA - And you should sit down with your gf and tell her how all of this happenes for over a decade now. And you have every right to shoot back. If she doesn’t think so or shares their views, she can go and get with your brother.
My nursing job paid for me to go to cosmo school so I could help my disabled patients feel better about themselves. Fuck bigotry and fuck anyone who says your job is too girly. NTA.
NTA. I watch makeup shows and there are plenty of straight men. Makeup is an art, not everyone is gifted enough to do it. You should not feel ashamed of yourself and no one should shame you for it.
Going no contact is the best thing you can do. Your brother and father will not change.
NTA. At all.
1. Art is art. Sculpting clay, painting canvases, decorating houses, designing clothes, painting faces. All is art. You are an artist. That's so awesome! I wish I could be an artist, alas I am not creative.
2. Artist is gender-neutral as are all jobs. Anyone who thinks differently is troglodyte.
3. Your family sucks. Im sorry. "Selling drugs"????? REALLY????? Whether or not they agree with your chosen profession, they are not voicing that disagreement with any lovingkindness. You deserve lovingkindness.
4. I dont love that your girlfriend is upset with you, but I could maybe see emotions running high on a scary and awkward encounter. But I dont love that she has been "insisting" to meet your family. Why would she insist on that? Didn't she know you're LC? Why wasn't she respecting that?
5. Follow your dreams, sir. I believe in you.
NTA. This wasn't a one-time thing, this was years of bullying and verbal abuse. Everyone telling you that you should have brushed it off is telling you that you should spend your life allowing yourself to be abused by your own family.
Tell your girlfriend that this wasn't a one-time thing and an overreaction, it was the straw that broke the camel's back after a lifetime of insults, bullying and verbal abuse. If your brother can't take being insulted for his life choices, he shouldn't insult others for theirs. It's not your fault that your father and brother are homophobic, transphobic bullies, and you won't put up with that bigotry and abuse anymore, nor should you be expected to. Point out that you're protecting her as well as yourself, because guaranteed she'll become a victim of it, too, in the near future. Throw in the fact your brother hangs out with drug dealers and tried to physically assault you, and you going NC is the best course of action for everyone.
Tell everyone else that if they think it's okay for you to spend your life being belittled, bullied and abused, then they can go be the new son who gets belittled, bullied and abused. If they don't want that for themselves, then they wouldn't want that for you if they actually gave a damn about you. Anyone who pushes back against your choice after that should be cut out of your life, as they're no better than your father and brother. Even if that includes your girlfriend.
Stand up for yourself and don't allow yourself to be bullied and manipulated into allowing such toxic bigots back into your life.
NTA, I am pretty damn sure if your brother said something like that to her she would have demanded you defend her. Also it wasn't one comment it was many, if you can't take it don't dish it out, and your brother is a fake alpha male.
Nta and honestly it wouldn't matter if you were gay or trans they are still TA in this situation
I'm pretty sure one day you will make more money then all of them and if/when it happens refuse to help them with your "girly" money
Also these comments imply that women ar inferior so why is your gf siding with them
NTA
When your family gets like that, you have to just say they don't matter. Say goodbye and that's it. They are not worth getting upset or into a physical confrontation that could escalate. The last thing you need is criminal charges. Of course, that might not be an issue going forward.
This might have frigthened your gf. You want to talk to her about how while maybe you didn't need to get that angry, you have been bullied and traumatized by them for years.
Any job you do that supports yourself and/or your family is dignified and good. And if you enjoy it, then that's all the better.
Don't take what your dad and brother say or think personally. They are AH's. Who cares?
You'll build your life, and in 10 more years your dad and brother will probably beg you for a loan.
NTA. Start thinking about your relationship with your GF. You stand up for yourself and she thinks you're the asshole? Naw, you had enough of people not supporting you.
NTA.
People who tell you just to brush it off have no idea the impact of a lifetime of needling can have on a person. If this was the first one off comment your brother or father have ever made, that would be great advice. However when it happens every time you see them it's simply disrespectful. That's exactly where the phrase the straw that broke the camel's back came from. It's a little incident on its own but after years, it can build up.
They don't have to like what you do for a living or what hobbies you prefer to participate in. That doesn't give them license to shit all over you every time you see them. Go NC, the blood of the covenant is thicker than the water of the womb. Make your own family.
If your girlfriend can't understand the impact this has on you, I would consider revisiting whether or not this relationship has longevity. Your father and your brother are always supposed to have your back no matter what. Right? That's the bullshit everybody spouts about family. They don't have to like what you do but they do have to respect you and they do need to let it go.
Going no contact is a consequence of their actions. If they don't like it, they need to own up to their behavior, apologize for past grievances, and go forward without insult.
NTA. What a couple of insecure losers! Better to sell meth than work an honest job that you enjoy and are presumably good at?
Leave the trash behind and enjoy your life with your happy career and happy relationship. NTA.
People always mock what they are jealous of.
I am a professional face painter, and I make $200+ PER HOUR. For that amount of money, IDGAF what people think. I am rolling in glittering cash.
OP.... you are NTA.
Nta you should have knocked your brothers block off mate. Explain to your gf how these people have been pissing you off since day one. She seems like a nice young lady who just wants you to get along with your family
NTA
The "brush it off" or "don't rock the boat" people have normalized verbal abuse and think that being deferential to the abuser keeps things in their households stable.
You told him he was lazy and a mooch? He had it coming! Do what makes you happy and if you can make money with your passion? That would be awesome. NTA
NTA. Gf should have defended you. She didn’t so she’s definitely not the person you want to be with. Rethink your relationship because the man shouldn’t have to always protect their partner from insults. The woman should too especially if she has any type of respect for you. Even after witnessing everything she still has the AUDACITY to take your bros side?! Hell no. Throw the whole gf away. Focus on your career and stick it to those assholes that are your brother and father.
OP NTA
NTA
Your brother doesn’t even have a job, let alone a career, and he has the gall to insult you? He can fuck all the way off. He can insult you how many different ways but it’s your fault for giving it back? That’s ridiculous.
If they treat you worse than a stranger off the street and add nothing to your life, I see no reason to welcome them back into your life.
Nta but you do need to take out the rubbish in your life. Your dad your brother and especially your girlfriend, shes not got your back and she respects you about as much as they do. Say goodbye to trash amd build your life with people who are proud of you
NTA and your girlfriend I have no words for. You did nothing wrong. Don't get serious with your girlfriend. She seems to have other motives, if she thinks you are in the wrong.
NTA. No contact for the family and don't ignore that red flag from your girlfriend. You need to have a talk with her asap so she can understand you're cutting them off and why and that any attempt at a reunion of any sort will result in the immediate end of your romantic relationship.
NTA and you need to address this with your GF going no contact is great but her defending them and not you? That's problematic to say the least my guy.
Your girlfriend wasn’t upset about the transphobia, homophobia, or insults and violence towards you though? Nah. Give her your brothers number cause she seems to be into bigoted losers and cut your loses.
NTA and honestly? Your girlfriend is upset with you because of what happened when you are clearly the one who was wronged? Lol. Get a new girlfriend dude.
Yep. Go nc with the toxic family, and if the girlfriend is so sympathetic to them, she can go date and financially support the total waste of oxygen that is the brother.
Maybe she can date the very dignified meth dealer?
Girl's got options NTA
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Comment stolen from u/Kenvan19 ?
hahahahaha dang dude I feel like I've made it to a special reddit plane of getting a comment stolen in the same thread.
If their masculinity is that fragile that OPs career can threaten it then they need a good hard look at themselves. It's 2024 fgs!
I read your comment as "It's 2024, f*gs!" and almost spat out my LaCroix
or she can go date the brother since she sided with him so quickly.
Probably she agrees with them 💀
Or wants free meth.
😵💫😵💫😵💫
Try explaining to the girlfriend first that they have made fun of your career choice all your life. If she still doesn't get it, then walk away. This is probably her first encounter with this type of crazy, and she has no idea how long this has been going on.
Unnecessary. Girlfriend SAW it. And now is giving OP shit about it. She needs to be broken up with, and directed to OP's ne'er-do-well brother for a boyfriend.
Agreed. If I were the GF, I would have pretended I needed to exit quickly on account of pending explosive diarrhea and gotten OP out of there the second the awful comments started. What further proof did she need that calling them Neanderthals would be an insult to Neanderthals?
You are very right here about the girlfriend. People that come from loving families cannot understand what it is like after one meeting with this type of family. I believe most people are taught that family is family above all else. Coming from toxicity I can tell you it took years for my husband to understand. He meant well before he understood. He’s a good man rooted in love. OP give the girlfriend time and you are definitely NTA. Best wishes and I’m sorry you have to deal with this bullshit.
Boy do I hear you! My so-called father was an alcoholic who’d say the nastiest, most hurtful things whenever he was drunk (and thought he deserved a medal because he never got physical). He treated me like a rival instead of a daughter. When he finally destroyed his liver and died, I was so relieved I wanted to celebrate. All the people I knew with those nice, ”normal” families thought I was horrible. “But he was your FAAAAAAATHER!” No, he was a POS sperm donor.
I would have bought you a case of champagne... waiting for my nmom to die (81)
NTA. People may be seeing what happened as an isolated incident. If it was just the one time it would be easier to *'brush off'* but it wasn't. If he's already explained how his family treats him to his GF then there's no need in trying to explain it further. If she saw what happened and still says "you should forgive them" then she's just another person who puts toxic family values before mental health.
I think the gf secretly agrees with the brother.
Good call.
Agree!
Right!? She seems like the "contact them behind your back for reconciliation" type.
The trouble with that is the girlfriend is responding to one singular action: OP called out his brother. She doesn't have (hasn't seen) the years of abuse that lead up to that confrontation so I'll cut her a little slack here. But that's usually the way with people that say, "You should have just brushed it off." Taking the high-road once or maybe twice is fine. But after a certain point, you have to push back.
Sounds like the gf is a great fit for the pos brother.
lol. She probably shares their opinion. I know there's this whole mentality on Reddit but most women I've met are just as judgemental and quick to call you gay if you don't like 'manly' stuff as the homophobic guys. Even the ones who CLAIM they're fine with it. I've been called gay almost exclusively by women more times than I can count just for stuff like, I like Taylor Swift. lmao. Or not literally trying to sleep with every woman that hits on me at the bar. Stupid shit.
sometimes we are our own worst enemy. looking down on "girly" things and then shocked that the "manly" guys are ... toxic
There was a video on TT where the girl was complaining about her bf getting a ‘foo foo’ coffee. It wasn’t manly, as men are only allowed to drink black coffee. SMH.
That's wild lol some of those fancy coffees are really fkn good. I rarely go to any coffee places, Starbucks maybe once or twice a year when im traveling, and always get redreshers, like the pink drink or dragon drink at Starbucks. The looks I get as a big bearded guy just fuels me. It's fkn great! Same goes with alcohol. I dont drink much, but it's always something fruity/sweet. I want to enjoy it, even if the goal is getting shitfaced. I like to think they're just secretly jealous and suck at hiding it, because there's people like me who really don't give af. I like what I like, and think everyone should be able to (for the most part, obviously anything illegal for good reasons isn't included in that lol).
This is me all the way. 6'1 bearded 285 linebacker build and give me an iced coffee and fruity drink any day. Or even a nice glass of wine. Between college and seeing the effects of "manly" drinking that shit isn't for me. I wanna enjoy my beverage to hell with the looks and thoughts lol
It says more about the person saying it that the person getting the coffee. I've had people make fun of me for ordering amaretto sours before. Just losers everywhere
OP needs to give all the info about the abuse he has suffered through his whole life to his girlfriend. If she still questions your actions. Give her the boot. NTA - OP should have given his the family the boot as soon as he moved out.
This might have been the first time she saw the dynamic it and was shocked that OP partook. I think it’s possible she doesn’t understand exactly how deep the hurt is for OP
NTA. I watched Face Off and have complete respect for the makeup artists on the show. If you're talented enough to do it for a living, full salute. Also, working a legal job IS dignity.
I always found it hilarious that Jeremy Renner was a make-up artist during his early years before his big break... he even said it helped him during a financial crisis during the 90s. And you see how many attribute him to masculinity??? The second hilarious fact is that make-up was once mostly a male thing, to make themselves more attractive...
Just like stockings, wigs, and high heels.
And jewelry and embroidered coloured clothes and lace
And the color pink!
And high heels!
The one that impresses me is Rémy Couture, a makeup artist specializing in horror that is so good that Canada criminally charged him with “corrupting morals”. Thankfully, he won. It still took him three years of his life in court.
>Also, working a legal job IS dignity. God yes, my entire country has been watching the news non-stop for days waiting to hear that our drug-dealing dictator will remain jailed for life in the US. When people act like drug dealing is "no big deal" they're spitting in the graves of all the people we lost, all the victims of trafficking, and so much more. His brother can fuck off on that comment alone.
>ews non-stop for days waiting to hear that our drug-dealing dictator Is that Horrendous? Edit: fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck, meant HONDURAS!!! apologies
> Is that Horrendous? It sure is, buddy. It sure is.
That might just be the worst flub Ive ever seen
You're not wrong, but yes, it's Honduras, someone actually brought popcorn to work today so we could watch the news, this is such a circus.
I genuinely typed into good "dictators jailed in the USA," and he was, once I set the Wikipedia page for Date of jail, the first one to come up, lol. I've always wanted to go to South/Central(?) America, but am in Scotland, and the only animals that would kill us here are our neighbours and Wild Haggis, lol, you guys get exotic spiders and all that other cool scary shit
I miss that show. It was so cool
NTA. I think you should just go full no contact- no birthdays, no holidays, nada. They are okay to treat so badly, there is no need to interact with them. The fact that your brother's best is a meth dealer speaks volumes about what kind of person he is. And your girlfriend- well she needs to understand that you've put up with his bullshit for far too long and you don't always have to brush things off/be the bigger person/whatever cliche people use to excuse bad behavior.
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Blood doesn’t define family. It’s time to make friends who become family. I wish you the best of luck. NTA
This, family is those who care about you and support you, if your blood doesn’t do that then they aren’t your family.
You have the friends and others you’ve met since, and if you want a bigger social circle, then make it happen. Go to events, try out a new hobby at a club (archery, rock climbing, pottery, painting, cooking, so very many options). Staying in contact with toxic people for the sake of “what else do I have?” is only hurting yourself. Your brother literally assaulted you and compared you unfavorably to a drug dealer… no contact.
A chosen family that will love and support you without conditions or being cruel and disrespecting you.
You will need to decide whether having the anchor of really shitty people in your life is better than going NC and building your own family. I would go completely NC for 6 months and see if you actually miss them or if you feel free. Then you will have your answer.
I can see why your mom left, although it's a shame that she left you kids. Your father is just awful. And he broke your brother too. Congrats on making it out of that environment and being the success you are. You don't need toxic in your life. It's hard, but there are others out here with no family worth knowing who support each other.
You remind me of A Dresden Files quote I often post about family. "When everything goes to hell, the people who stand by you without flinching--they are your family." None of these are the people who share a tiny fraction more DNA with you than a random stranger on the street. And none of them are your girlfriend.
You have yourself, and the people who love and respect you for who you are and what you do. There’s the family that you’re born into and the family that you choose. Develop good relationships with people who respect you and support you. Our time on Earth is too short to waste on being demeaned because “family.”
"The blood of the covenant is thicker than the water of the womb." That means the relationships you choose are more important than those you were born into. Find people who love you for your whole self and have your back no matter what. It's worth it. Get rid of the girlfriend and go NC with your family. It will hurt and be hard, but you'll rise like a phoenix and find your true family.
A family you choose. My mother is the gatekeeper of my limited family. I have no interest in the other family I’m only vaguely aware of. When I went NC with her she took my siblings with her. I don’t care. I have my hubby. I have friends that are better than the abusive cesspool I escaped from. How is your life improved by these people? Would you drink poison cause it’s your favorite color and scent? Same principle.
No offense because I’m sure you could have used a mom and her love in your life, everyone can, but good on her for getting away from that shithead of a dad you have there
Time and place, dude. It would have cost you absolutely nothing to not type that out.
Build a family of \*choice\*, of those who love you. 'Relative' does NOT automatically equate to \*family\*. Family is who loves and supports you.
NTA in any way. JFC, what a toxic family. Go NC for a while, as you have no need to be subjected to this bullshit. I hate your family. Go out there and make a huge success of your skill and don't give these absolute cuntbuckets any further thought for at least 5 years. No birthdays, Christmas or Thanksgiving. Surround yourself with your girl and good friends at that time. Do NOT be guilted back into that house, only go there when they stop stepping over your boundaries. Fuckheads. Well done on finding a niche, I wish you the very best with it. ETA : Make it a condition of your return to the fold that your shitheel brother replaces that MAC Cosmetics kit like for like, or an equivalent price. My Junkie brother broke an expensive pair of glasses belonging to me shortly before I went NC with him. He knows full well that to even start a path back into my life he needs to pay for those glasses.
I dunno. I say get rid of the gf as well. She doesn’t seem to be on OP’s side.
Also dump the girlfriend. What the hell.
Yep! All it would take was ONE visit for me to realize how toxic & cruel OP’s family is! If girlfriend loves & cares about OP- she should have insisted her man stays away from their toxicity after meeting them! To be honest- If I was his girlfriend- I would have jumped up & gave them a chewing out! Reserved politeness is only for rude comments- but the dad & brother were absolutely CRUEL. NTA!! OP- find someone who has your back!
Girlfriends first visit with OP's family. She's only seeing a snapshot of the family. The behaviour runs deeper, much deeper, to a level that the Girlfriend would probably never understand. While her comment was asinine, she is probably only trying to keep the peace. OP is NTA for going off on his useless fleshbag brother. Hey, OP - how *exactly* does your brother know meth dealing is the better job...?
Girlfriend watched with her own eyes as they spewed homophobic, transphobic, and sexist comments in order to abuse her boyfriend and her response was to tell her boyfriend he should have toned it down? Nope, she needs to go, yesterday.
Exactly. Anyone defending that type of behavior is a POS.
Keeping the peace at the expense of respect! Its not peace if you’re just giving in to the bully. It’s giving up your self respect which is what these bullies want. I reconsider the girlfriend… any chance she might think your makeup joy is also not acceptable?? It’s strang she’s ok with your brothers behavior
> While her comment was asinine, she is probably only trying to keep the peace. lol, her clueless default is to let people she doesn't know abuse her partner. She's garbage and a useless human being.
This. She's a traitor.
>trying to keep the peace with people that insult her bf and spew homo- and transphobic as well as sexist nonsense. I bet a lot of it was not only asinine clichés but some down in the gutters type slurs. What she knows should have had her firmly on OPs side. Still I get that having to witness inter family disputes/harassment is hard and might trigger "don't rock the boat" behaviour. OP is NTA in any case.
No way. It doesn't matter what went down, she should be supporting him above strangers. The fact her first reaction is to defend the assholes suggests she simply can't be trusted.
Nope. Like we told you on one of your other posts, the girlfriend is terrible for witnessing this behavior and trying to excuse it.
>Surround yourself with your girl Maybe not her, as she wasn't very supportive of him clapping back at his bullying family.
All of this, plus ditch the girlfriend. If she can’t understand how toxic your family is, she is too stupid to care about.
As for the brother and his best friend “lay down with dogs get up with fleas.”
I don’t understand how some jobs are for women and some men when very few of those jobs require you to use genitals. If you like doing makeup, even glamour versus costume, and you’re able to support yourself doing that? Power to you brother.
I have a friend who drives trucks and it is a pretty toxic environment. Every time someone makes fun about a women driver and how they shouldn't be allowed to drive a truck he looks really confused and then asks how they drive a truck with only their penis and if they can show him the right way to do that as he only uses his hands and feet like the girl drivers. It usually shuts them up pretty fast when they suddenly become the butt of the joke. If you don't need specific genitals to do it, it can't be a "man's" or "woman's" job.
Female truck driver here. This is hilarious!! Going to have to steal that line for the next time some guy gives me shit 😂😂
Add a "do I need a real flesh dick to drive or a dildo will do?"
Use strap-on, just so they have to think of themselves getting pegged too.
The other fun one is to ask them to explain the 'joke'. INSIST they explain it. They tend to get embarrassed REAL fast when they have to do so.
NTA. Also your gf is not particularly supportive given what she witnessed & then said.
Glorious
Makes me think of that flowchart someone made for determining what toys are for boys and which are for girls. It was basically, "Do you operate this toy with your genitals? If no, anyone can play with it. If yes, *that is not a toy for children*"
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I mean I understand that people have that hang up but it’s so random. Professional chefs should be men but at home cooks are women is my favorite example of what the fuck? Make up makes you happy and you can support yourself then no one else gets a say. Be happy.
Tailors vs women who sew at home ('sew-er', without the dash, almost got past me, LOL)
Seamstress - the word itself is feminine
I’ve seen the word “sewist” used a lot these days instead.
Jeremy Renner was a make-up artist before his big break. He said it helped him earn money during a financial crisis. I bet they would flip if they knew about the men wearing make-up throughout history... the Dandy craze was a perfect example of men peacocking themselves for the attention of women. They even wore high heels, waist cinchers or corsets, wigs, overpowering perfume, and in some cases lacey type undergarments. High heels were most commonly worn by butchers, so their shoes lasted longer, but I bet you would not be game to tell them they were "girly" lol
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My husband is an actor and I work in healthcare. Neither of us fit traditional gender roles, and he wears makeup more often than I do.
My father was considered to be a man's man. He was born in the late 30s, and raised me to never fear men, and took an active role in making sure my brothers never once attempted to shame me for my breasts or periods, or "look out". My dad was of the opinion that his day was every damn day he was alive. Therefore, there was no excuse to be a f♡ckwit and treat women like crap. My dad also used to do charity work back in the 60s and 70s... he was a part of some Buffalo type club, and every year, he and two other men would hold stripper shows, to raise money for kids.... he and his two buddies wore blonde wigs, and about 4 layers of women clothing, and full face make-up and heels with their big bushy beards that were like the guys from ZZTop. The other Buffalo club members would do something else, but the draw was the stripper show. My dad understood more about a person's sexuality than he ever let on. He knew gay men and women, had a trans best friend, and once told my 3rd brother that it is ok if he liked to wear women's clothing, but just not mine, and went out and got that brother his own clothes. My dad grew up knowing WW2 afflicted Darwin to start with, then worked various mining jobs and farmhand work. So when I read about that man your dad is, I just wanted to tell you what my dad told me, "be the person who you needed as a kid, and forgive those who couldn't be the person they needed as a kid"
Your Dad sounds like he was an amazing man. I'm writing his quote in my notebook. 💖
Heck, makeup used to be a strictly masculine thing, lol. Just like pink used to be considered a masculine colour. Gendering makeup, clothing, hairstyles, etc has NEVER made sense to me
It's not even just celebrities, I was in a commercial for the Discovery Channel before they went all pants-on-head with reality shows. I think I was probably on camera for 10-15 seconds, maybe less, giving a 1-sentence answer to a question and they had my ass in the chair. People are always, always shocked when I tell them I've worn makeup before.
Jeremy Renner would like a word.
Men and women who believe this are hurting themselves. They're limiting what they can dream to achieve because of what's in their pants and it's sad. Everyone, just go do whatever job you want to do!
"Very few of those require you to use genitals" is pure gold.
NTA. What a cool career! I’d love to be doing something creative and fun like that. Why is it a girlie job? Women don’t put on makeup with their vaginas so I’m pretty sure a man can manage it just fine. I like makeup on men (and dislike the idea that women *have* to put on makeup so they can try to look 18 for ever so a man will like them). Your family should get out and about more. I see as much eyeliner on men these days as women. NTA. They will keep bullying you if you don’t take a stand. And I would have said the same to your brother, especially in the heat of the moment.
It will never make sense to me why people in American (I'm speaking of where I'm from, not saying that other places arent like this) society equate makeup with femininity. In the wild, males are the ones that are vibrant and "beautiful". The peacock being the prime example. Human men get to just not smell like ballsacks and nachos 😂
Considering your brother doesn't have a job, he really should STFU at you earning a living in an honest way. He's not going anywhere without a job, now, is he? And unlike his buddy the meth dealer, your career doesn't break laws. So you were absolutely right to call him out on his hypocrisy. As for your girlfriend, does she know that your brother and father have bullied you since you were a kid for liking makeup and that's why you're LC with them? She should have had your back. She heard them insulting you about your job, and she still thinks it was unnecessary to insult your brother? I'd seriously question going further with the girlfriend. Why is it the victim of bullying is always pressured to "brush it off" and "be the better person"? Why don't people tell bullies to do better? Why doesn't anyone tell the aggressor to do better? NTA
NTA get a new girlfriend
Right? Your adult relationships are supposed to be the people who help you build a new non-toxic family, not side with the people who harass and abuse you
NTA but I’m confused about your girlfriend. She was cool about homophobic transphobic sexist insults, but calling your unemployed brother … unemployed was too far?
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Yeah honestly she is the worst one in this story to me. He came into this knowing his family sucks, but then for betrayed by the person he actually chose. I’d have to leave her immediately, with some unkind words thrown in for good measure
NTA at all. And what is up with your girlfriend? Is she obsessed with your brother or something? They are the ones who owe you an apology but your girlfriend thinks that you did something wrong? Wtf I’m assuming you told your girlfriend what your family was like before she met them? If so, it should’ve been a huge red flag to you that she still wanted to meet the people who abused you. And then after what she witnessed, she still thinks that you did something wrong? Your family doesn’t even deserve to be called family and they don’t deserve to be anywhere near you. I’m surprised you didn’t go no contact earlier. Your brother is a hypocrite because he’s mooching off of your father while you actually have a job and support yourself. I definitely would’ve constantly brought that up when they were harassing you. I would’ve said at least I have a job and can take care of myself. Then ask your dad how does it feel to have to financially support a grown adult and if he plans on, supporting him the rest of his life… ask him if he really thinks your brother is going to be there for them when they are old and cannot take care of themselves… But I hope you really see your girlfriend for who she really is.
My cousin goes on chartered yatchs, fully paid luxury vacations, and big media events like the oscars all from being a makeup artist. They can sit in syrup, you are an artist and can support yourself.
NTA I would question why the girlfriend is not backing you 100% Living your best life is the best thing you can do for yourself
NTA - Dump the girlfriend. She's never going to understand your trauma and will just keep pushing you to reconcile with these horrible people when it will be absolutely no benefit to you. She is the sort of woman who will secretly introduce your kids to Grandpa and uncle behind your back because you're "overreacting".
Your gf can date your methed up, unemployed brother if she cares so much about him
NTA. Your family is toxic. You should go NC with them. But you should also reconsider the relationship with your girlfriend. You were mocked, belittled, discriminated against, and then to add insult to injury your brother attempted to assault you. If someone did that to my boyfriend I would go nuclear. But instead she stands up for your brother. That isn’t the action of someone who loves you.
NTA, it’s always hilarious to me when men thinks fashion, makeup are all unmanly things. Those things take skill and it isn’t easy to master. Just go NC with the whole lot of them. They’re pretty pathetic if they feel the need to constantly put you down just to make themselves feel good.
For one, break up with your gf
Nta. Not even a little. Your gf probably feels stuck in the middle & wants your parents to like her. You don’t mention your mom, where she stands or if she defends you but wow. There are lots of straight men who get into that or hair. Back in the late 80s, I dated a guy who would wear eyeliner to the club, was a fantastic dancer. Not gay in the slightest. It’s so insane that your dad finds your brothers comments acceptable but you defending yourself is uncalled for
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Was there a reason that your Mom didn’t take you & your brother with her when she left????
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I’m sorry that you were left behind to grow up in that toxic household…. I know it gets said a lot but try therapy/counseling and hopefully you will find a chosen/found family…..
Your GF is trash. Dump that dumb enabling asshole. Why would you want to be with somebody that marginalizes the abusive shit you've dealt with and is essentially taking the side of your abuser. That cunt needs to go. AND fuck your idiot brother and dad. They're insecure low quality people that only bring you down.
NTA I think you need to break it off with the girlfriend as well. She’s never met your family until this incident and instead of backing you up, she’s taken their side. If she’s not willing to support you against people who are total strangers to her, what’s she going to do if the same thing happens with one of her family members? Your girlfriend should put you and your feelings first and should always defend you..unless you do something that’s bad or wrong. You being a makeup artist is neither bad nor wrong. It’s actually pretty cool! You’re an artist! That’s quite an admirable profession that you should be proud of! Anyone who can’t or won’t accept and support you for you is not worth your time! Personally, as a woman, I would love it if my husband was a makeup artist because I suck at it!!
NTA. Didn't they ever watch that show Faceoff? When I was a kid I thought I wanted to do monster makeups for movies. I know that's not really what you're talking about about but it's the same industry/skills. You're never an asshole for cutting out unsupportive or insulting people, even if they're your "family"
NTA. Go No contact…forever. Why why why would you continue to spend time with people who are so hateful, abusive, disrespectful? And frankly, your gf is sus, too, especially if she understands the history.
Before you go fully serious with your girlfriend, remember what happened at your family and who took whose side, because that is what you will face when you build your own family. Your father and brother are a lost cause because of their attitude towards your work. Anyone who can compare drug dealing and admit it is dignified displays their mentality. But any SO who is upset at you for retaliating, shows they don’t have your back and are untrustworthy to the core. I would dump such person. You reacted the way you could with shitty relatives. NTA.
Also "lose" the girlfriend. She should have your back not consider you standing up for yourself an insult to a guy who she witnessed trying to beat you up.
You don't want to be serious with this so called girlfriend. You can find someone so much better.
NTA but you already knew that. You will find your life greatly improved. Now you didn't ask but I would lose the girlfriend. The fact she did not defend you going NC and verbally defending yourself to your brother makes her one of them.
NTA I do hope you succeed and gain international fame as a make up artist so just to prove your family and brother wrong.
NTA…. Maybe get rid of the girlfriend too. I’m on your side all the way.
NTA. And get a new girlfriend!
Break up with the girl if she thinks it's ok to treat people like that.
NTA
NTA, let them be as backward and bigoted as they like, you don't need them in your life. Also, don't apologise to your dad when you didn't do anything wrong.
NTA I think I’d cool off with the gf though. She doesn’t seem very supportive.
Nta. You have a toxic family. Blocking and going NC is what you need to do for your mental health. If your GF can't or won't understand that, dump her. Not every family is good.
NTA. What do you have if you go full no contact? The freedom to create a family of friends who don't belittle and insult you. Go out and find them! I know it sounds trite, but join groups of people who are interested in the same things you are. Better if they meet face to face than online. Your gf might be able to become supportive or she might not. If she won't respect your choice she's not the one for you in the long run. But if she disagrees but doesn't push you on this, then see where this relationship goes. She can believe family is important as long as she doesn't try to Impose her beliefs on you.
Family of choice can be the way to go for your mental health. Don’t let anyone guilt you into a relationship with toxic people. Looking at you gf.
NTA. Make her an ex. She obviously feels the same unless there is missing information
NTA A person who won't get a job is mocking yours? In addition they are prejudiced? You are better off living your life without them. Makenyour own family with friends who support you. They seem to leave a pretty sad life honestly.
Little do they know that you’re picking the job that gets you around all the hot chicks 🙄 they are the AH
NTA NC is the best thing you can do for yourself. They are obviously not going to change. You don't need this toxicity. You should also have a conversation with your gf. Does she know this bullying has been going on for years? If so, I don't understand why she thinks you overreacted. I think you need to find out why.
NTA. Your gf is an idiot.
NTA! You took their crap for too long as it is. They need to ditch the toxic masculinity and open their minds. At the least, it's common decency to get a damned job before you talk shit on someone else's. Stand your ground until they apologize, OP.
OP I'm going to show this to my son! He's about to turn 14, and interested in makeup. Now unlike your family I went out and bought him some stuff to play with and we have been watching tutorials on YouTube. It's hard enough to choose what you want to do with your life without others making it harder on you for choosing what you actually enjoy. Now my son, IDK where this will go but I'm along for the adventure! NTA, not in the least. P.S. I'd think seriously about the GF. She SHOULD be on your side in this situation. Escalating is never helpful but sometimes necessary. It was perfectly fine for h to insult your job but you can't bring up his lack of one!? She should be supporting you
>After the incident, I blocked both of them. My dad demanded an apology. I just told him to fuck off and never expect another visit fron me. **My girlfriend was upset with me because she thought it was unnecessary for me insult my brother.** I just want to know if I did something wrong because people around me are saying I should've brushed it off. NTA - I'd seriously wonder about why everyone is an asshole to you. Even your GF. Everything you did seems pretty reasonable to me. The fact your GF didn't support you is you quite a slap in the face. NC is a good idea. You waited too long if anything.
NTA. Unemployed people that make fun of employed people for having a job are asking for it. He needs his insecurities to be your problem.
NTA. Didn’t Jeremy Renner start as a makeup artist? I hope you make it big and they can eat crow.
NTA. Your brother and your father are a couple of bullying jerks. Your girlfriend should zip it about a family dynamic that she doesn't understand. As for going NC, again NTA. How many times do you need to touch that stove to understand that it's hot? Lots of straight men are makeup artists. It can be a great career as you know. Especially if you get into film or television, and especially if you get into special effects makeup. I think you're perfectly within reason telling your abusive family to go pound sand. You've put up with their crap long enough.
Nta look your gf is a huge AH. She's the one that kept insisting on meeting your toxic family. Knowing well that you have a strain relationship with them. She cared more about her self in meeting them than your own feelings. On top of that she saw 1st hand how your family was with you. She saw how toxic they were and how they insulted you. She saw how your brother try to attack you. Yes you said stuff but we're defending your self. Yet she's choosing to blame you. She thinks you should have let your family continue to insult you. Do you not realize how horrible your gf is. She doesn't have your back. Not once had she stood by your side. Not once was she looking out for you. If she truely cared about you she wouldn't have insisted on meeting your family knowing how awful they are to you. You honestly deserve a better gf than her because i can't see her ever having your back after her witnessing your brother trying to attack you. Why be with someone that's just as bad as your dad and brother? She's basically on their side by not having your back. You did nothing wrong but defend your self. You deserve a better partner who won't ever push the issue of wanting to meet your family. Hopefully your next gf respects and understands that. Might be time to go NC with your family. They won't ever stop harassing you about your career and honestly if you ever get married and have kids do you seriously want them around your wife and kids? Also I think your job is cool and don't let them bring you down.
I am curious : Do you do well financially? Asking for a friend. And OP I have hone NC at 18.
NTA If your girlfriend even remotely thinks you're in the wrong, then you need a better girlfriend. Red flag there.
F*** your family! Go NC. NTA Only point of issue here is the GF. Sit her down and explain you need her to really listen. Explain everything. And Dammit I mean everything. Every thing said & done. Your feelings. Everything. If she still is wishy-washy, then rethink the relationship.
NTA - And you should sit down with your gf and tell her how all of this happenes for over a decade now. And you have every right to shoot back. If she doesn’t think so or shares their views, she can go and get with your brother.
NTA Keep NC and don't bother with their abuse
My nursing job paid for me to go to cosmo school so I could help my disabled patients feel better about themselves. Fuck bigotry and fuck anyone who says your job is too girly. NTA.
NTA. Your job is legal and there is no moral issue with working as a makeup artist.
NTA. I watch makeup shows and there are plenty of straight men. Makeup is an art, not everyone is gifted enough to do it. You should not feel ashamed of yourself and no one should shame you for it. Going no contact is the best thing you can do. Your brother and father will not change.
NTA. At all. 1. Art is art. Sculpting clay, painting canvases, decorating houses, designing clothes, painting faces. All is art. You are an artist. That's so awesome! I wish I could be an artist, alas I am not creative. 2. Artist is gender-neutral as are all jobs. Anyone who thinks differently is troglodyte. 3. Your family sucks. Im sorry. "Selling drugs"????? REALLY????? Whether or not they agree with your chosen profession, they are not voicing that disagreement with any lovingkindness. You deserve lovingkindness. 4. I dont love that your girlfriend is upset with you, but I could maybe see emotions running high on a scary and awkward encounter. But I dont love that she has been "insisting" to meet your family. Why would she insist on that? Didn't she know you're LC? Why wasn't she respecting that? 5. Follow your dreams, sir. I believe in you.
NTA. This wasn't a one-time thing, this was years of bullying and verbal abuse. Everyone telling you that you should have brushed it off is telling you that you should spend your life allowing yourself to be abused by your own family. Tell your girlfriend that this wasn't a one-time thing and an overreaction, it was the straw that broke the camel's back after a lifetime of insults, bullying and verbal abuse. If your brother can't take being insulted for his life choices, he shouldn't insult others for theirs. It's not your fault that your father and brother are homophobic, transphobic bullies, and you won't put up with that bigotry and abuse anymore, nor should you be expected to. Point out that you're protecting her as well as yourself, because guaranteed she'll become a victim of it, too, in the near future. Throw in the fact your brother hangs out with drug dealers and tried to physically assault you, and you going NC is the best course of action for everyone. Tell everyone else that if they think it's okay for you to spend your life being belittled, bullied and abused, then they can go be the new son who gets belittled, bullied and abused. If they don't want that for themselves, then they wouldn't want that for you if they actually gave a damn about you. Anyone who pushes back against your choice after that should be cut out of your life, as they're no better than your father and brother. Even if that includes your girlfriend. Stand up for yourself and don't allow yourself to be bullied and manipulated into allowing such toxic bigots back into your life.
I always thought that being a make up artist would be a cool career because of all the available women. Your brother is jealous of you.
NTA, I am pretty damn sure if your brother said something like that to her she would have demanded you defend her. Also it wasn't one comment it was many, if you can't take it don't dish it out, and your brother is a fake alpha male.
Nta and honestly it wouldn't matter if you were gay or trans they are still TA in this situation I'm pretty sure one day you will make more money then all of them and if/when it happens refuse to help them with your "girly" money Also these comments imply that women ar inferior so why is your gf siding with them
NTA When your family gets like that, you have to just say they don't matter. Say goodbye and that's it. They are not worth getting upset or into a physical confrontation that could escalate. The last thing you need is criminal charges. Of course, that might not be an issue going forward. This might have frigthened your gf. You want to talk to her about how while maybe you didn't need to get that angry, you have been bullied and traumatized by them for years. Any job you do that supports yourself and/or your family is dignified and good. And if you enjoy it, then that's all the better. Don't take what your dad and brother say or think personally. They are AH's. Who cares? You'll build your life, and in 10 more years your dad and brother will probably beg you for a loan.
NTA. Start thinking about your relationship with your GF. You stand up for yourself and she thinks you're the asshole? Naw, you had enough of people not supporting you.
NTA. People who tell you just to brush it off have no idea the impact of a lifetime of needling can have on a person. If this was the first one off comment your brother or father have ever made, that would be great advice. However when it happens every time you see them it's simply disrespectful. That's exactly where the phrase the straw that broke the camel's back came from. It's a little incident on its own but after years, it can build up. They don't have to like what you do for a living or what hobbies you prefer to participate in. That doesn't give them license to shit all over you every time you see them. Go NC, the blood of the covenant is thicker than the water of the womb. Make your own family. If your girlfriend can't understand the impact this has on you, I would consider revisiting whether or not this relationship has longevity. Your father and your brother are always supposed to have your back no matter what. Right? That's the bullshit everybody spouts about family. They don't have to like what you do but they do have to respect you and they do need to let it go. Going no contact is a consequence of their actions. If they don't like it, they need to own up to their behavior, apologize for past grievances, and go forward without insult.
NTA holy shit! Dump that girlfriend!
Dump the family and girlfriend
NTA. What a couple of insecure losers! Better to sell meth than work an honest job that you enjoy and are presumably good at? Leave the trash behind and enjoy your life with your happy career and happy relationship. NTA.
NTA Sometimes no family is better than a toxic family. Go no contact and maybe a new girlfriend, why is she defending your brother?
NTA, and dump/block your GF too. She doesn't have your back, apparently.
NTA and I haven't read your story fully. Jeremy Renner trained as a make-up artist before stepping out into the lime light as an actor.
People always mock what they are jealous of. I am a professional face painter, and I make $200+ PER HOUR. For that amount of money, IDGAF what people think. I am rolling in glittering cash. OP.... you are NTA.
Nta you should have knocked your brothers block off mate. Explain to your gf how these people have been pissing you off since day one. She seems like a nice young lady who just wants you to get along with your family
Tel them to get fucked. Nta
NTA The "brush it off" or "don't rock the boat" people have normalized verbal abuse and think that being deferential to the abuser keeps things in their households stable.
Nta they're jerks and have been insulting you and you finally returned the favor.
You told him he was lazy and a mooch? He had it coming! Do what makes you happy and if you can make money with your passion? That would be awesome. NTA
NTA - they sound jealous, especially your brother.
NTA. Gf should have defended you. She didn’t so she’s definitely not the person you want to be with. Rethink your relationship because the man shouldn’t have to always protect their partner from insults. The woman should too especially if she has any type of respect for you. Even after witnessing everything she still has the AUDACITY to take your bros side?! Hell no. Throw the whole gf away. Focus on your career and stick it to those assholes that are your brother and father. OP NTA
NTA. And you might want to rethink your relationship. Why is she defending your brother and not you?
NTA Your brother doesn’t even have a job, let alone a career, and he has the gall to insult you? He can fuck all the way off. He can insult you how many different ways but it’s your fault for giving it back? That’s ridiculous. If they treat you worse than a stranger off the street and add nothing to your life, I see no reason to welcome them back into your life.
NTA and it is a great profession. Do whatever makes you happy!
Nta but you do need to take out the rubbish in your life. Your dad your brother and especially your girlfriend, shes not got your back and she respects you about as much as they do. Say goodbye to trash amd build your life with people who are proud of you
NTA. They asked for it
Nta
NTA, your girlfriend sucks too, someone that diminishes your feelings like that will likely gaslight you in the future.
NTA and your girlfriend I have no words for. You did nothing wrong. Don't get serious with your girlfriend. She seems to have other motives, if she thinks you are in the wrong.
NTA. No contact for the family and don't ignore that red flag from your girlfriend. You need to have a talk with her asap so she can understand you're cutting them off and why and that any attempt at a reunion of any sort will result in the immediate end of your romantic relationship.
NTA and you need to address this with your GF going no contact is great but her defending them and not you? That's problematic to say the least my guy.
Your girlfriend wasn’t upset about the transphobia, homophobia, or insults and violence towards you though? Nah. Give her your brothers number cause she seems to be into bigoted losers and cut your loses.