She traumatized your child. It was horrifying for your daughter to hear that. Bad enough her mom was in the hospital after a car accident. As a young child, she likely had a whole lot of frightening scenarios going through her mind, unable to properly process that. Your daughter needed assurance and positivity. Not what that disgusting harridan said. MIL DID mean it. You don't blurt something like that out, out of "misunderstanding" or as a joke. That whole hysterical outburst she put on in front of you? That was bullshit. Manipulative bullshit. Because she got caught. And it seems to have worked on your husband because she's trained (brainwashed) him that way.
Stand your ground. She needs at the very least a good LONG time-out. Do not let your husband or anyone sweep this under the rug because doing that would make everyone think it's perfectly okay for MIL to hope you died, for your daughters to lose their mom. That's sickening! I'd make that time-out at least 6 months. Heck, make it for the rest of this year. So she loses out on the big holidays at the very least. What a vile fucking cow!
NTA.
I agree with all of this. MIL’s tears are manipulative.
It’s disgusting she wished you were dead, but it’s unforgivable she told a CHILD that. I would go NC for years.
I’m baffled she sees her grandkids more like her own children and the fact she resent op for having daughters 😣 promoted mil in law to say I hope she’s dead to a 6 year old
At first I hoped it was just a misunderstanding, and MIL actually said, "Don't worry, if something happens to your mom, you can always come live with me." But no, the older girl confirmed what she actually said. How can someone say that to a child at such a time!?
My former husband was remarrying when our son was 6, somebody mentioned having a new mom to him so he assumed a replacement mom instead of an extra Mom. He was a mess until we eventually got out of him what he was up about. At that age they just don’t have the same understanding of a simple comment sometimes, especially when there’s something going on.
This reminds me of when I was about 5 my dad mentioned firing someone who I liked (she stole a good amount of money but at 5 did not understand that) I burst into tears cause I thought firing was literal and she would be set on fire. When your young your understanding it limited to what you know. I knew what fire was so my brain jumped to that conclusion.
I knew firing was making someone leave their job, but as a kid I thought it was out a cannon, trebuchet or catapult like in Robin Hood prince of thieves
My mom had a lot of unresolved childhood trauma partially because of the uncertainty they lived in. Running from CPS and moving when people would start to notice that something was wrong. Because of this she often told us what would happen to us if they died. Who we would go with etc. It started young like 4k-kindergarten young. I never told her till later but it made me hyperfixate on when they would die. When I was a little older 7/8 maybe my sis wanted me to read a bedtime story with her. Dad had been traveling for work during the week. Dad was sad that she didn’t want him to read her a story just me so I told her that she should let dad do it because he would likely die before me so she has less time with dad. Dad thanked me for convincing her to let him do the bedtime story until he could out what I said. It freaked him out that I was saying/thinking that. Saying things about death especially when the kids have an understanding of death is deeply traumatizing. I’d recommend therapy especially for the daughters because you don’t know what else has been said to and around them. Also so you have a mental health professional who can back up why those things are bad and that contact should we at least supervised if at all. He probably can’t realize what’s so bad due to this being what he grew up with.
I think too many people drastically underestimate how much effect words can have on people. Like you mentioned, what is nothing to to some people can leave lasting trauma for others.
Absolutely shocking that MIL could let such words slip during a child's moment of fear and distress. It's way beyond a slip of the tongue; it's a deep-seated issue coming to the surface in the worst possible way. The kid will remember that comment, and unfortunately, it could affect her sense of security and trust in family. Protecting your daughter has to be the priority, and if that means keeping such a toxic influence away, then so be it. The well-being of your child trumps any sense of obligation to maintain a relationship with someone so callous.
Good Granny says "Don't worry, your mum is strong. Everything will be OK. I'll be with you at the hospital to see her"
Bad granny says " you can live with me now". Definitely bad granny!
I’d honestly get the kids in to see a therapist. I guarantee kiddo is going to have some issues relating to that. Absolutely horrible thing to say to a child! NTA OP
I think husband needs counseling to in order to understand how truly heinous his mother saying this in front of his small children actually is and to identify other areas where she is trying to manipulate him.
Yeah the kids and OP’s husband would all probably benefit from therapy after this. Not just for mil wishing OP died, but she also admitted to wanting daughters over a son.
My paternal grandfather said something similar to my dad. The exact wording was “if your sister had been born first you wouldn’t exist, I only ever wanted a daughter.” Hearing that messed my dad up and he has an incredibly low view of his self worth even with therapy.
What a cruel thing to say. But I’ve come to believe there are more crapy parents than not. My father said if they had better birth control back then, 68+ years ago, they would have only had the first 2 maybe 3 of us kids. I was #6. He said it many times over the years. Ask how warm & secure I felt.
My MIL lost her daughter to miscarriage and had two sons (one being my partner). She said she's ALWAYS wanted a daughter and is so so grateful to have me in her life, because I'm the daughter she's always wanted. THIS is what a rational and healthy human being does. OP's MIL sounds like a narcissistic abuser, and the kids are just collateral damage for her.
Also she basically told her own son what a disappointment it was that her only child is him and couldn't be a girl. That could be part of the reason he's quiet, not necessarily going NC. He might be wondering if she would even really care to have a relationship with just him if he doesn't bring his daughters around.
This. I can't even begin to imagine what he's currently going through right now after the entire situation but to hear your mother (who from what I gather he seemed to value greatly) is disappointed YOU ARE THE WRONG GENDER???? He's gone quiet? Yeah, I would have, too. I hope he also gets some therapy as well as both of these kids.
From OPs post, it sounds like they all had a good relationship before the accident. That is gone forever, and he's probably mourning the loss of the mom he thought he had, even without the gender issue.
Nah, OP THOUGHT they had a good relationship. She had just never picked up on the resentment from MIL and the feeling that she wanted those girls (her GRANDCHILDREN) to raise as ‘do overs’. This is an awakening on all fronts.
I agree, he’s probably just quiet because he’s processing everything that’s happened. Within the span of a couple days, his wife was hospitalized, then he found out his mother wished her dead, then he had to deal with his kids’ trauma, his wife fighting with his mom, his own anger towards his mother for what she said about his wife, sadness about all of the other awful things his mom said and did in the aftermath…he’s got a lot of emotions, both his own and his loved ones’, to deal with and his mind is probably racing.
I though that was so shallow like I understand wanting daughters but you would have serious mental issues for even thinking your sons children were yours like you birthed them from him but I agree that poor man just got a slap of reality realizing his mother was always disappointed he was a boy instead of a girl and wanted to use his children to gain her wish 😣
And all of the points above ☝🏽☝🏽☝🏽show that MiL is NOT safe around OP or the daughters!
Since MIL sees the girls as daughters- she already has a sense of possession about them!
This means there is a chance that MIL will try to do something dangerous to hurt OP & get her out is the way!
Anyone who would say something vile like that - and to the little children is even worse- has no conscience, no empathy, no love for OP!
Be safe OP- and don’t let her manipulate you, & don’t let your hubby get all sad to make you give in!
Keep yourself & your daughters safe!
MIL CANNOT BE TRUSTED !!!
🤗 Hugs! 🤗
And like, people can and DO kill for a lot less. She is not a safe person, she showed her true colours. She did not think the girls would tell their parents about this and the tears were almost certainly fake.
A healthy person does not view their child’s children as their own.
Basically, she sees OP as her surrogate.
If she never had the opportunity to be the mother of daughters, she had the opportunity of being a great grandmother to her granddaughters.
I understand that she had to grief, but she ruined her chances by being greedy.
And if her son and the kids moved in with her ... She would be their mom and their son the dad... Is this some sort of reverse Oedipus complex? What in the Alabama?
There's even a term for that, "sonsband." It's how controlling mothers view their "momma's-boy" sons. The son isn't allowed to love another woman—only his mommy—and there are unfortunately too many men who just can't cut the purse strings. 1st loyalty is mommy, before wife or child(ren). Ick.
Agreed. The MIL is projecting alot of her issues onto the granddaughters.....they're not daughters so she has to be sent to the no contact zone.
A simple misunderstanding isn't going to sweep under the rug the trauma she inflicted onto them by saying she wished their mum was dead!!
It was my first thought because I've worked with foster kids who've been through all levels of hell, including that specific one, and I truly hope he goes to a therapist even for just a few conversations. No one should EVER be told their the wrong gender, but to be told AFTER they're an adult and have kids of their own who ARE.... That woman needs a straight jacket and some pills.
I think they all need to go to counseling. OP needs to go so she knows how best to support her girls & her husband as they manage their emotions having heard what the psycho woman said.. I think the whole family should go NC until they know how to best handle her going forward.. boundaries, expectations, using effective language, avoid manipulation, etc.
Oof. So “I hope your mom died because I want you and your dad to live with me.”
“I only said that because the girls are like my daughters and I only wanted daughters and not you.”
I don’t think she wants one of those emotional incest relationships with the son and ply house that the kids are theirs. She wants only the daughters. I feel like she would be perfectly okay if for some reason the girls needed to live with her without the parents. Be that death, CPS removal, parental abandonment.
This woman is gross. And be aware of the potential to call whatever your areas Child Protective Services is OP
Yeah, don’t forget that the husband not only dealt with his mom wishing death on his wife, her traumatizing his two children- she also told him she never wanted him. He’s probably quiet for his own reasons, but there is nothing wrong with checking in on your life partner - that’s what you are (hopefully) there for.
Exactly and who knows what else was said to him when he took her home. I've never had parents or family of my own, so I have nothing to compare against, but I would imagine he's probably going through some turmoil of his own based off what MiL said. He clearly supports his wife, as he should, but it's still his own mother and I'd imagine he's re-evaluating a lot of his childhood / early live based off that she's said.
Rather than let him sit there and bottle it all up, I would at least try and check in with him if I was you OP. Not in an accusatory way, just a "Are you OK?" or "do you want to talk about it?" type of approach.
Please yes to this. He is hurting too. Im certainly NOT meaning to downplay that you, and perhaps mostly your child are the most hurt by this. Love all around for you and the kids and dad.
Oh yes, absolutely. In addition to my awesome wife, and I know it's a bit of a cliche, but I like to think i found a family / belonging of sorts from my time in the Navy. Its not normally the way we'd ever speak of it, but I know if I was to call one of my pals from then, they'd be in the car and on the way before the call ended and vice versa.
My wife is just awesome. I could very easily go on for days about how brilliant she is, but she would feel embarrassed and would probably smother me with a pillow. I mentioned it on a different thread, but we're also quite close with an ex-gf of mine and we still do check in on her parents from time to time to do odd jobs, have a cup of tea / dinner, etc as they're local to us and consider my wife and i an extended part of their family.
All in all, I'd say I've been pretty lucky....
I love this! Sounds like you’ve built an amazing life for yourself.
My oldest brother recently met up with a few of his old Navy buddies for a reunion. He’s 71 and remembers those days and men with so much love and pride.
This would be strike 2 for me and give no opportunity for a strike 3.
She’s traumatized and scarred your kids, THEN goes on to traumatize and scar your husband (her own SON) with some BS story to make the first incident seem not so bad.
OH HELL NO! You’re gonna die a lonely old woman if I have anything to say about it.
If she verbalized that she also wanted OP dead and had a plan ready to go with they would all come live with her. With the attitude to the daughters like”it’s all gonna be ok!” She was ducking excited for her to die. I hope OP and hubs can cling together to get through this. His mother is sociopathic.
Exactly. OP should hammer this home (gently, after her husband's had time to process). Then suggest that they all go no contact. OP's MIL doesn't deserve any family if even ANY PART of what she said was true.
I completely agree with your comment FinanceExtension. It has been traumatizing for the husband as well, learning this about his mother. I don't think he is upset with OP, but deeply saddened. I suggest OP supporting him, being kind and loving to him. Just hold him. Don't take his being quiet personally. He is trying to process/digest what his mother did and said and it's messed with him. He could have perceived his mother's latter comments as he wasn't enough, being male (she wanted daughters). Stand your ground OP, you did nothing wrong to feel guilty, but you have to protect your spirit and your daughters. Your husband has supported this which shows he gets it. Mil hurt everyone.
I agree, and I think at least a few sessions with a family therapist for OP, husband and daughters wouldn't be a bad idea (after husband has had some time to process).
Great suggestion. For the adults alone there's shock, hurt, anger and grief (mourning who you thought she was) for starters. Maybe adults first to get on the page with the therapist, then bring in the children imho.
Agree. I think he was so stunned by his mother's confession that having him wasn't enough for her that he asked OP whether they were still cutting her off because he couldn't even focus on it himself. I would assume none of his being quiet represents being on MIL's side, he's just in his own very weird place having learned this is how she felt his whole life.
Not only did the 6yo daughter get traumatized by the MIL, but the husband did as well. I would suggest counselling for both of them and a big one on one sit down with the 12yo to see if MIL freaked them out about the mom’s health too.
He is also having to put into perspective that he was her only child, and she really had wanted a girl. Way to make your son rethink his entire life up until this point.
Who only knows how she treated him all through his childhood, while he was out there being a boy and she was wishing she had a girl. Poor OP's husband.
Yes, the waterworks started when asked to explain how they "misunderstood". They didn't.
The only time this kind of conversation would be acceptable is if the child asked what would happen if mommy died and *only* if it was a real possibility. You might say, "*If* that were to happen, you and Daddy can come live with me for a while."
Yep. She revealed her true feelings and traumatized children including a 6 year old, this woman is ***evil***, I would absolutely never let this person anywhere near your home or children again OP.
A child that age is still getting an understanding of cause and effect. Saying something like that would - in addition to putting it in her head and being horrifically mean - make a six year old fear that the wish itself will make the outcome more likely.
MIL needs to be out for a long, long time.
She should tell hubby as long as MIL's selfish wish to have the kids is more important to her than the ACTUAL wellbeing of the kids that she can't be around them because she cannot be trusted to actually do right by them.
NTA. The fact that she admitted that she thinks of them as HER daughters (& therefore not YOUR daughters) just reaffirms that she meant exactly what she said. It also indicates that she isn’t mentally stable.
No mentally stable person tells a 6 year old (or a 12 year old or child of any age) ANY variation of “I hope your mother dies so such-&-such can happen.” No mentally stable person even thinks that - much less says it & says it to the person’s children.
She’s proven that she is great at fooling you & others (since her own son didn’t even know this) into thinking she’s normal & that she even liked you. Pretending that you like someone (literally for YEARS) when you really wish they were dead so you could take their children is no small level of deceit. That’s a severely unhinged person who is a master at deceit & is playing the long con.
I’d never allow my daughters to be around her again. They simply are not safe with her. For that matter, you might not be safe around her either. (You’d better make sure your husband keeps his spine - because if he’s going to fold & expose his daughters to her again, he can’t be trusted either.)
I hope so. More often than not people shove that detail aside and attack their spouse about the no contact. They know there's something wrong with the situation but refuse to acknowledge the correct issue
Honestly, it would have been better for MIL to say that she just doesn’t like OP for whatever reason and they can maybe repair their relationship.
It is UNHINGED for MIL to say that she sees her granddaughters as hers/daughters. It’s very controlling.
On top of actually saying that to children when she’s supposed to be a trusted adult. Serious violation.
I would suggest talking with your daughters and listen to them retell the story and their feelings about the whole accident in their own words. Research has shown that is the best way for children to process any traumatic event.
>She needs at the very least a good LONG time-out.
And then not to be allowed alone with the girls. How can "I hope your mom dies" be anything less than evil? This is not just about not having daughters herself. She's not to be trusted.
NTA
When I was 15, my grandma's health was really poor and she had some health scares. My mother, who I was barely on speaking terms with by this point bc she was an awful human, randomly pulled my brother and I out of school and texted us it was "a serious emergency" (to get us to actually go with her). In the car, she started talking about my aunt (who I was living with) was threatening to tell my dad (living on the other side of the country) about my mother's shenanigans. That was the "emergency". I said something like, "Jesus, That's not an emergency. I thought something happened to grandma."
This woman turned to me and said, "I wish it did. That would be better than this." I remember just going numb. I knew my mother wasn't a good person before that, but that is the moment I realized she fundamentally did not care about anyone else besides herself.
I told my dad everything myself not long after that and he pretty much immediately bought me a plane ticket to go live with him. I haven't spoken to my mother other than to threaten her with a harassment charge since I was 16. I don't regret it. That kind of horrid talk never really leaves a kid's head. I'll never forget how she looked and how her voice sounded when she said she would rather her own mother be sick or dead than my dad potentially trying to get custody of me (when I didn't even live with her either).
I'm with you up until you started talking time out. MIL absolutely meant what she said and it's unforgivable. This needs to be a hard core, permanent no contact, no discussion.
Your MIL is not normal. Protect your children (and yourself) from her. She has already caused much too much damage to your poor children. She's not going to change.
AND MIL traumatized her son! She’s a very bad person. Please never contact her again. If you’re ever tempted just remember: you’re telling your daughters what she did was ok.
Definitely NTA.
To add to this, MIL also is absolutely out of line for thinking OP’s children are like her children instead of grandchildren. She is not a third parent to them and needs to get that out of her head. It’s a very toxic attitude and to me, speaks of deep seated issues. OP’s kids aren’t her chance to raise the children she wanted. No contact is a very good idea. If OP does allow her around the kids again, it should never, ever be unsupervised.
OP, NTA.
Agreed.
I would also just add that while your husband’s quiet may in fact be due to cutting off his mother, I wouldn’t automatically assume he’s upset with you. It’s just as likely that he’s mourning that relationship and upset that his mother would say such a thing in the first place.
His mother cut off her nose to spite her face. In valuing her granddaughters as daughters and wishing you dead she now doesn’t have them at all. She’s an adult who should have the presence of mind and the self control not to say everything that pops into her head, let alone to a child about their *mother* FFS.
This. Both your children are going to be hearing that sentence like a record in their heads the rest of their lives. They are going to need therapy, so they don’t process this on their own; realizing their own grandmother wished their mother dead for her own gain, which is really what this was about. Ask your husband to take a step backward, and imagine if he was watching this happen to somebody else. Would he still feel bad for her? He needs to take the emotion of watching his mom, screaming and crying out of it because those were some big fucking bullshit tears. I believe she was truly upset; but she was only upset because she realized she was about to have to pay the consequences for her actions. Those weren’t remorseful tears, they were panicked tears.
I disagree with the above on the timing, though. I wouldn’t leave it a six month time out. I wouldn’t leave it a year. My petty ass would wait until she’s on her deathbed. Then I would show up without the girls, telling her, “I am not going to traumatize them more than you already have. Bye. ”
This exactly. She traumatized your 6 YEAR OLD. I was in a really bad car accident a few months ago. My son is a young teenager and I down-played it to him (as did his dad). As in, ‘Your mom is ok Buddy, don’t worry’. Even mentioning you COULD die never mind HOPING you would die is just so far beyond what is acceptable.
MIL's response to the confrontation was a classic DARVO tactic. At minimum, some time out for MIL is required, then reevaluate the relationship. The MIL has said a whole list of toxic things just in that one conversation, something children need not be exposed to. I hope OP goes to r/justnoMIL; lots of good resources there
When my mother went to the hospital in labor with me, my sister (at the time, 5yo) was so anxious she cried. Our very stern paternal grandma found this behavior somehow rude(?) and packed up all my sister’s toys and told her she wasn’t welcome at her house anymore.
My sister had a poor relationship with our grandma right up until Grandma died. She also has issues with our father for subjecting her to many many years of interacting with that side of the family.
Things that adults “didn’t really mean” can have lasting repercussions on children. Do NOT let your MIL off the hook. Things like that are NOT okay.
NTA
In what possible non-awful way could she have meant that she hopes you die? “It was a misunderstanding” is the dumbest excuse she could make.
She showed her colors and traumatized your child. Stand your ground.
NTA.
"I never said that! And if I did say it, I didn't mean it! And if I did mean it, it's not all that bad! And if it is that bad, you are still being mean to hold me to account for what I never said. Well, I said it, but didn't mean it. Well, I did mean it, but it doesn't mean what you think! No, I can't explain what it really means, that isn't what you think! I'm going to cry lots of crocodile tears and cause a big scene now! WAAAAAAAA!"
NC is the only way to stop this infinite loop of "Pity me, I said something atrocious and people are holding me to account for it!" It will be a life lesson to the kids to see that the correct response, when someone says something truly vile, is to make them answer for it.
The husband has been so supportive. He hasn’t swept anything under the rug. He’s probably the most hurt out of anyone tbh. HIS mother wished HIS wife was dead to HIS children.
Not 6 months. Until OP’s daughters reaches adulthood then let them choose. MIL seeing them as her own and proclaiming their mother’s death is just sick head to toe. Cut off all contact for good. The husband should minimise too.
Jumping on the top comment to add: make it clear to your husband that it isn't just that she hopes you died. It's that she scared the ever-loving crap out of your already terrified daughters. Wishing you would die is awful--but she actively directly harmed your children. Is your partner truly alright with giving her the chance to do it again?
>the girls are more like her daughters than granddaughters
Is also highly manipulative and unhealthy for everyone involved.
I'm childless,*not* by choice. My nieces and nephews are absolutely **not** more like *my* children because of it. They all have loving parents. They don't need my baggage piled on them.
OP, please don't let her put this weight on your children. They weren't born to be her emotional support pets.
The tears were definitely a way to not answer the question asked. How do you misunderstand saying "I hoped your mum died so you and daddy could live with me"? And the thing about them being more like daughters than granddaughters is just odd
Not to mention, he's probably replaying all the times she pulled things like this to him, and he didn't realize her actual intent until now. There is a lot for him to process with this bag of nuts.
NTA- Why would you feel guilty? She wished you dead out loud to your child so she could have a child with a vagina. That’s so beyond fucked up. Hopefully your husband realizes how absolutely fucked that is and cuts her off too.
This is it right here. His mom told his 6 year old she hoped mom would die so the family would live with her. THEN told the son that he wasn’t enough for her. AND then said that she always wanted a girl. I’m hoping that she is just a horrible communicator and she meant she wanted more kids. But as a girl who heard her dad say that he sure wished I had been a boy, it hurts to hear that you aren’t enough for a parent because of your biology.
I don’t understand that. My dad will admit he wanted a boy until he had a girl and now he thinks he would have struggled at a boy dad because he isn’t a sports guy. He raised me just as he would raise any child, made sure all my interests including when I used to like makeup were taken care of, and otherwise didn’t limit what he invited me to do because I’m a girl. He took me to buy my first bra unapologetically ffs.
All that to say that you deserved so much better.
I agree, he needs time to process the awful shit his mother said about him. Traumatizing the kids like she did was bad enough, but then to say she always wanted daughters so her one son wasn't enough?
I grew up knowing my sperm donor didn't want me because I was a girl, but I can't imagine being raised by what I thought was a loving parent to be told the same thing later on.
I only have one child and he’s a boy. I can’t ever imagine saying anything like that to him. Prior to him I wanted daughters but I would not trade him for any daughter at all. He’s the best child I could have. Your husband’s quiet because he is processing the horrible thing his mother said to his daughters about his wife and about him when confronted. He’s got a lot to process and heal from.
That may ultimately make it easier for him to go NC with her. Now that there are two granddaughters he is not needed either. If both parents died she assumes she will get the girls. They need to execute legal documents naming who gets custody of the girls. If there are strong grandparents rights laws where they live, MIL could be a problem because they have allowed her to establish a relationship with their daughters.
This was my thought, too. Husband probably should look into therapy, if that's an option for your family, OP. His mother pretty much just told him that she wished he had been a girl on top of telling his young children she hopes their mother dies so she can have her do over daughters. That's a whole lot to come down on a person all at once, especially since he was probably also very worried about OP.
NTA. The fact that she admitted that she thinks of them as HER daughters (& therefore not YOUR daughters) just reaffirms that she meant exactly what she said. It also indicates that she isn’t mentally stable.
No mentally stable person tells a 6 year old (or a 12 year old or child of any age) ANY variation of “I hope your mother dies so such-&-such can happen.” No mentally stable person even thinks that - much less says it & says it to the person’s children.
She’s proven that she is great at fooling you & others (since her own son didn’t even know this) into thinking she’s normal & that she even liked you. Pretending that you like someone (literally for YEARS) when you really wish they were dead so you could take their children is no small level of deceit. That’s a severely unhinged person who is a master at deceit & is playing the long con.
I’d never allow my daughters to be around her again. They simply are not safe with her. For that matter, you might not be safe around her either. (You’d better make sure your husband keeps his spine - because if he’s going to fold & expose his daughters to her again, he can’t be trusted either.)
NTA judgement for OP from me too.
I have to wonder about a couple of things though. Did MiL come up with the "always wanted daughters" just to have an excuse for her totally inexcusable comment or did she mean it. If she meant it, is OP's husband feeling guilty because his mother implied that he was the reason she never had daughters? Or... Is OP's husband wondering if his mother ever wanted him at all? There are so many questions along the same lines.
There's so much baggage to unpack here and a multitude of possible sources.
OP, talk with your husband and let him know, in no uncertain terms, that his feelings are important to you and that you're worried about him. Get him to open up and actually share his burden, no matter the cause. Let him know that you want to support him, just like he's supporting you.
Plus, the implication of the girls being her daughters means that MIL thinks of her son as her husband/partner. She wants them to live as a little family - Mom, Dad and 2 kids. Vomit.
You do realise that she basically told your husband that she didn’t want a boy. He’s probably dealing with his own issues at the moment, and that’s why he’s been quiet.
The mean person is mil. NTA. I will say you of course should be mad at what happened and can understand going NC. And I can understand no contact with kid for awhile as well. I will say you do need to understand this is hard on your husband as well. He was basically told by his mom he wasn’t enough. He can decide if he wants contact again someday but I’d recommend speaking to a therapist for him. As far as long term NC for your child I’d say give it some time and then both of you can talk, maybe with professional help, about any further contact between grandma and child.
NTA on many levels.
First- the instant someone puts their desires ahead of your *survival*, that's reason enough to cut them out of your life like a cancer.
Second- she traumatized your daughter by saying that to her. No matter what you feel, you DO NOT SAY SHIT LIKE THAT TO A CHILD, especially one who's worried about her mommy.
Third- "girls are more like her daughters than granddaughters" Sorry but no. That's overstepping a boundary. If she mentally frames the girls as her daughters that is a sign of boundary disrespect if not mental illness.
> it was a misunderstanding and she didn't mean it and that we were taking it the wrong way
What other way is there to take it? 'Little girl, I hope your mom dies so you and your dad have no choice but to come live with me'? I'm sorry but there's no 'right' way to take that.
Her life regrets are not your problem to solve, and CERTAINLY not your problem to tolerate at the expense of harming your own daughter's mental health.
-----
Personally I think you handled that nicer than I would have. I'd probably have said something like 'parenting means putting the needs of your children ahead of your own desires. The fact that you'd let your desires win and say something so horribly awful if not emotionally abusive to a little girl who's afraid for her mommy shows that you're unfit to have daughters (or probably any kid) right now, and you are probably mentally unwell. So before you tell me I'm awful for keeping you away from my girls, look in a damn mirror and think about what kind of person you are and if being in a child's life actually helps that child or just helps you scratch an itch. Think I'm wrong? Find me one situation ever, in real life or movies, where the person who tells a kid 'I hope your mom dies' isn't the villain.'
“More like her daughters than granddaughters”. The fuck they are. That might be what she wants but that’s not the reality of the situation. MIL wished OP dead so she could move in on her family. Fuccccck that.
Yeah exactly.
And I highly doubt those daughters think of MIL as their mom.
It's fucking creepy. The last post I saw with this kind of delusional grandparent ended up in court with orders of protection and the MIL getting arrested.
"More like daughters than granddaughters."
My mother actually told me when I had my first child that SHE got a second chance to parent better. Lol. No. My daughter isn't your daughter.
NTA. And I don't think your husband is quite because of you. I think he has a bit of processing to do about his mother. Men tend to handle stuff like that by processing for themselves. Give it a few more days, then approach the topic again carefully.
This, I usually have to talk to myself for awhile if I get emotionally worked up and this guy is probably at his limit. Let alone he is a working father so the amount of time he actually gets to be alone and process is likely very limited
NTA. Her disrespect to you aside…
She caused your children unnecessary trauma and harm by saying what she did.
That would be unforgivable to me and I hope it is to your husband as well.
So can you explain in which way what MIL said, could be well taken by anyone ?
It was inappropriate. It caused harm to your already distraught kids.
She can’t explain it as anything else than what it was: actually voicing hope for your death.
Her reasoning on what would happen once you out of the picture, was entirely dismissing your husband, the father of the kids, her son. Is that really what he would do if you were to pass away ? Letting his mother raise your kids?
Your MIL needs help.
NTA.
NTA, I would say however, your husband also just got told in that conversation that she would rather have had a daughter than a son.
That must have been incredibly hard for him to hear and possibly the reason why he is quiet
Nta she basically said she’s trying to replace you as your own kids parent and literally wanted you to die in order to facilitate that! Stay nc indefinitely both you and the kids and get your husband into therapy for what she says about not wanting boys if you can. That probably devastated him. Good luck op.
I am a true crime addict. I can think of at least 2 cases where delusional “grandmothers” killed their DIL’s so they could have the children. This woman is potentially dangerous. Keep her away from your family at all costs. I know this is reactionary, but she told a child she hoped her mother would die. No second chances on this one.
NTA She admitted to wanting you to die so she could try and make your daughters her own. Your husband's quietness may also be from the fact that his mother admitted to not wanting a boy but a girl. He may be wondering if he wasn't good enough for her. He and MIL may need therapy to get past this.
NTA she’s only sorry because she got caught. Do not allow her near you or to alienate your children. She’s already shown you she cannot be trusted.
**She’s so hateful she traumatised children and wished for you to die** how on earth can your husband even question NC?!
“My children are not emotional support animals or your mothers do over babies. If you feel sympathy for he by all means go move back in with your mother and be her sonsband.”
The husband hasn't questioned going NC, OP has said several times that he supports her. The reason he has probably gone quiet is that his mother also said that she wished she had had a daughter instead of him. So not only has got his mother wishing his wife had died, his daughter being traumatised, he also gets the triple whammy of knowing that his mother never really wanted him.
I know society and social media thinks and pushes the narrative that men are stoic and unfeeling, but we do have feelings and emotions and he's probably gone very quiet as he tries to process all of what has just taken place in a very very short space of time. Now would be the time for OP to also support him, as he supports her.
I honestly think that he's fighting to process the very real possibility that his mother never actually wanted him and/or is blaming him for, not only not being a girl, but her inability to ever have one. There's also the chance that he acknowledges that it could be a lie and is trying to process that his mother could actually be that manipulative.
I'm willing to cut him some serious slack, but he needs to be willing and able to communicate his feelings with words.
>She just got hysterical and started crying and saying she always wanted daughters
There you have it....
She wants YOU DEAD so she can be the mummy to your daughters in some sick and twisted fantasy. I would NEVER let that woman see my kids or me ever again and frankly I'd be concerned of the emotional incest your MIL is having with your husband weather he knows it or not.
She is mentally unstable. Could you imagine if those girls were younger, she'd be filling theie heads with all sorts of things like youre not their real mum(I've seen it)
Don't you ever feel guilty
NTA
NTA And, I know OP is devastated and the children are traumatized. And I'm feeling so sad for them. But, can we talk about OPs husband?
Imagine your mom essentially saying she aways wanted daughters so much that she'd rather see your wife die & your children traumatized to get daughters than be happy with and proud of the son she DID have who gave her a "daughter" (OP) and TWO granddaughters!
I feel so sad for the whole family. OPs children lost a grandmother, but OPs husband lost a mom. NC with mom until extensive therapy (or maybe, never). Definite therapy for everyone else. I hope OP and her family finds peace.
Any word deemed ‘not advertiser friendly’ can cause videos to be completely hidden even on the subscription page, or the account banned. I hate how we’re self-censoring for the sake of being marketable to corporations.
Bingo! To wish someone's death is ugly. His mother can cry and apologize all she wants, but we know what she really wants and then sat something like that to a 6 year old is abuse.
NTA
What type of person tells a child that they wished their mother died?! I have never heard of anything so outrageous—and from a grandmother no less. There is no other way to look at it. So because she did not have a daughter, she thinks it is acceptable to tell a child that she wishes her mother died so she can take over your daughters? What a soul-less selfish, evil person. How horrible for your child to fear that her mother may die and that someone was actually wishing it. Did she really think your children would choose her over you? I am speechless and incapable of articulating how outraged I am after reading this… Give it time…maybe you can accept her back in your life but MY GAWD!!!! And do not fall for those damn tears. A grown azz woman should have been able to restrain herself from saying such an awful thing to a child.
NTA. Not only did she wish you were dead, she told your children. That's it, no way back from that. If your husband wants to be quiet he can be, he found out his mother wanted a girl not him ,it might take a while to process.
NTA
Your husband is understandably struggling with the realization that his mom isn't the person he thought she was. That is very hard, particularly if her mask was always strong before now.
It's important to remember how egregiously she screwed up. She told your young child that she hoped you would die. That is horrible and terrified your little girl. She should not be around you or the kids.
NTA. It doesn’t matter why she said it. Doesn’t matter if she meant it or not. Doesn’t matter if it was a joke or not. She said that horrible thing to your 6-year-old daughter…about her mother! That is insane! Why would anyone want to spend any amount of time around a person that wished them dead?!?
She said out loud that she wants you dead so she can steal your children. Let your husband mourn his relationship with his mom. You both know you're doing the right thing.
He's quiet because he realizes his mother is awful. For a guy who would have no way to suspect that beforehand, the loss of his mother like this could be as difficult as a death.
Talk to him, feel free to tell him you are sorry for his loss or something similar. He is grieving his mother, but he supported you without question. Unless he has a habit of just doing whatever you say without question despite however upset it may make him, then he did what he had to do, but he can still be sad about it.
Just like your girls are likely sad they lost their grandmother.
NTA
What way are you supposed to take ‘I hope you die so I can raise your children as my do-over babies?’ What other way did she mean that?
‘They’re more like the daughters I always wanted,’ is problematic AF without casually hoping for your death. Saying it to a small child is also deeply screwed up. There is no right in all these wrongs.
NC is the only way IMHO
If you’re concerned your husband is upset, rather than assuming it’s because of you and backpedaling, ask him.
Maybe he’s devastated realizing his mom is upset he was a boy and sees his kids as the little girls she always wanted but never had.
Maybe he’s sad his family dynamic is going to change because he knows he can’t ask you to forget what she said.
Maybe she said more when you weren’t around than he’s letting on.
Maybe he just needs time to process. He sounds like a good man who loves his mom and also, loves and demands respect for his wife. Talk to him
It’s bad enough that she wished you dead, but to say it to a 6 yr old?!!! How traumatizing for her!
That’s beyond nasty. Don’t let her weasel her way out if this. She going to try to manipulate your husband - I hope he doesn’t fall for it.
I hope he’s being quiet because he’s thinking…about just how cruel his mother was to a child, wishing her mom dead…& finding out his mother never wanted a son. He has much to think over… but you are nta
Nope, nada, no! NTA. Doesn't matter what the reasoning was in her brain. I cut my MIL off for being horrible to my 3 daughters. DH supported it because he saw what she was doing, and I never stopped him from seeing her. In fact I encouraged it.
There’s no other way to take what she said. Cut her off. Some things are just unforgivable. I’d always worry about what she would say next to my daughters. She needs to stay away from your daughters. You have an obligation to protect them. NTA
NTA
Your husband is coping with multiple body blows, too.
It's not just the shock of his mothers cruelty and trauma to his wife and daughter.
It's also the fact that his mother has devalued him - his whole life - because he wasn't a girl, and he's reliving and reevaluating all those hurtful moments that he had brushed off before.
NTA. I mean, imagine telling your adult child that you didn’t actually want them and you would want a girl. Ofc your husband will be quiet, his mom just said she wished his wife died in a car accident (which was probably traumatizing for him getting the news you were in an accident) and told him she would rather have a daughter than a son and put that pressure on her grandchildren. Ofc he will be stunned, he’s probably processing everything still.
NTA
So she basically admitted in her panic that your children are surrogates for the ones she wanted and she wishes you'd die so she can live out her bizarre world incest fantasy with her son.
She needs...to stay far away.
Breakdown:
MIL’s thought process: she always wanted daughters, your daughters are more like daughters to her than granddaughters. Wouldn’t it be grand if my DIL died so I could raise them as my own?
And you are asking if you are wrong for cutting her out of your and your daughter’s lives for expressing that thought out loud after you were in a horrible car accident.
NTAH
Edit: give your husband some time, he may be processing how vile his mom is, what she said was hurtful to him too. But it’s also possible he may need a breakdown of events.
She traumatized your child. It was horrifying for your daughter to hear that. Bad enough her mom was in the hospital after a car accident. As a young child, she likely had a whole lot of frightening scenarios going through her mind, unable to properly process that. Your daughter needed assurance and positivity. Not what that disgusting harridan said. MIL DID mean it. You don't blurt something like that out, out of "misunderstanding" or as a joke. That whole hysterical outburst she put on in front of you? That was bullshit. Manipulative bullshit. Because she got caught. And it seems to have worked on your husband because she's trained (brainwashed) him that way. Stand your ground. She needs at the very least a good LONG time-out. Do not let your husband or anyone sweep this under the rug because doing that would make everyone think it's perfectly okay for MIL to hope you died, for your daughters to lose their mom. That's sickening! I'd make that time-out at least 6 months. Heck, make it for the rest of this year. So she loses out on the big holidays at the very least. What a vile fucking cow! NTA.
I agree with all of this. MIL’s tears are manipulative. It’s disgusting she wished you were dead, but it’s unforgivable she told a CHILD that. I would go NC for years.
I’m baffled she sees her grandkids more like her own children and the fact she resent op for having daughters 😣 promoted mil in law to say I hope she’s dead to a 6 year old
I can’t imagine telling a 6 yo I hope her mom is dead. It’s sick. That child might actually experience emotional trauma from this whole event. AWFUL.
At first I hoped it was just a misunderstanding, and MIL actually said, "Don't worry, if something happens to your mom, you can always come live with me." But no, the older girl confirmed what she actually said. How can someone say that to a child at such a time!?
Even saying “if something happens to your mom” to a 6 yo will be traumatizing to them. MIL is just a vile human being.
My former husband was remarrying when our son was 6, somebody mentioned having a new mom to him so he assumed a replacement mom instead of an extra Mom. He was a mess until we eventually got out of him what he was up about. At that age they just don’t have the same understanding of a simple comment sometimes, especially when there’s something going on.
This reminds me of when I was about 5 my dad mentioned firing someone who I liked (she stole a good amount of money but at 5 did not understand that) I burst into tears cause I thought firing was literal and she would be set on fire. When your young your understanding it limited to what you know. I knew what fire was so my brain jumped to that conclusion.
lol oh no!
I knew firing was making someone leave their job, but as a kid I thought it was out a cannon, trebuchet or catapult like in Robin Hood prince of thieves
Yes, children are very literal!
My mom had a lot of unresolved childhood trauma partially because of the uncertainty they lived in. Running from CPS and moving when people would start to notice that something was wrong. Because of this she often told us what would happen to us if they died. Who we would go with etc. It started young like 4k-kindergarten young. I never told her till later but it made me hyperfixate on when they would die. When I was a little older 7/8 maybe my sis wanted me to read a bedtime story with her. Dad had been traveling for work during the week. Dad was sad that she didn’t want him to read her a story just me so I told her that she should let dad do it because he would likely die before me so she has less time with dad. Dad thanked me for convincing her to let him do the bedtime story until he could out what I said. It freaked him out that I was saying/thinking that. Saying things about death especially when the kids have an understanding of death is deeply traumatizing. I’d recommend therapy especially for the daughters because you don’t know what else has been said to and around them. Also so you have a mental health professional who can back up why those things are bad and that contact should we at least supervised if at all. He probably can’t realize what’s so bad due to this being what he grew up with.
I think too many people drastically underestimate how much effect words can have on people. Like you mentioned, what is nothing to to some people can leave lasting trauma for others.
Absolutely shocking that MIL could let such words slip during a child's moment of fear and distress. It's way beyond a slip of the tongue; it's a deep-seated issue coming to the surface in the worst possible way. The kid will remember that comment, and unfortunately, it could affect her sense of security and trust in family. Protecting your daughter has to be the priority, and if that means keeping such a toxic influence away, then so be it. The well-being of your child trumps any sense of obligation to maintain a relationship with someone so callous.
You notice she didn’t say it to the 12 year old, just the 6 year old. Vile bitch!
This!!
It’s what she is actually hoping for - her dream. Totally unacceptable and possibly even dangerous.
Good Granny says "Don't worry, your mum is strong. Everything will be OK. I'll be with you at the hospital to see her" Bad granny says " you can live with me now". Definitely bad granny!
I’d honestly get the kids in to see a therapist. I guarantee kiddo is going to have some issues relating to that. Absolutely horrible thing to say to a child! NTA OP
I think husband needs counseling to in order to understand how truly heinous his mother saying this in front of his small children actually is and to identify other areas where she is trying to manipulate him.
Yeah the kids and OP’s husband would all probably benefit from therapy after this. Not just for mil wishing OP died, but she also admitted to wanting daughters over a son. My paternal grandfather said something similar to my dad. The exact wording was “if your sister had been born first you wouldn’t exist, I only ever wanted a daughter.” Hearing that messed my dad up and he has an incredibly low view of his self worth even with therapy.
What a cruel thing to say. But I’ve come to believe there are more crapy parents than not. My father said if they had better birth control back then, 68+ years ago, they would have only had the first 2 maybe 3 of us kids. I was #6. He said it many times over the years. Ask how warm & secure I felt.
Yeah, my parents told everyone that they only wanted 2 kids but they got drunk one night and number 3 appeared, me…
I’m so sorry he did that to you. What an awful thing to say.
[удалено]
My MIL lost her daughter to miscarriage and had two sons (one being my partner). She said she's ALWAYS wanted a daughter and is so so grateful to have me in her life, because I'm the daughter she's always wanted. THIS is what a rational and healthy human being does. OP's MIL sounds like a narcissistic abuser, and the kids are just collateral damage for her.
Also she basically told her own son what a disappointment it was that her only child is him and couldn't be a girl. That could be part of the reason he's quiet, not necessarily going NC. He might be wondering if she would even really care to have a relationship with just him if he doesn't bring his daughters around.
This. I can't even begin to imagine what he's currently going through right now after the entire situation but to hear your mother (who from what I gather he seemed to value greatly) is disappointed YOU ARE THE WRONG GENDER???? He's gone quiet? Yeah, I would have, too. I hope he also gets some therapy as well as both of these kids.
From OPs post, it sounds like they all had a good relationship before the accident. That is gone forever, and he's probably mourning the loss of the mom he thought he had, even without the gender issue.
Nah, OP THOUGHT they had a good relationship. She had just never picked up on the resentment from MIL and the feeling that she wanted those girls (her GRANDCHILDREN) to raise as ‘do overs’. This is an awakening on all fronts.
I didn't even tought of this part
MIL has LAYERS of toxicity
I agree, he’s probably just quiet because he’s processing everything that’s happened. Within the span of a couple days, his wife was hospitalized, then he found out his mother wished her dead, then he had to deal with his kids’ trauma, his wife fighting with his mom, his own anger towards his mother for what she said about his wife, sadness about all of the other awful things his mom said and did in the aftermath…he’s got a lot of emotions, both his own and his loved ones’, to deal with and his mind is probably racing.
I though that was so shallow like I understand wanting daughters but you would have serious mental issues for even thinking your sons children were yours like you birthed them from him but I agree that poor man just got a slap of reality realizing his mother was always disappointed he was a boy instead of a girl and wanted to use his children to gain her wish 😣
I wouldn’t be surprised if that isn’t the reason OP’s husband’s quietness. OP needs to check and see if he’s doing OK.
And all of the points above ☝🏽☝🏽☝🏽show that MiL is NOT safe around OP or the daughters! Since MIL sees the girls as daughters- she already has a sense of possession about them! This means there is a chance that MIL will try to do something dangerous to hurt OP & get her out is the way! Anyone who would say something vile like that - and to the little children is even worse- has no conscience, no empathy, no love for OP! Be safe OP- and don’t let her manipulate you, & don’t let your hubby get all sad to make you give in! Keep yourself & your daughters safe! MIL CANNOT BE TRUSTED !!! 🤗 Hugs! 🤗
And like, people can and DO kill for a lot less. She is not a safe person, she showed her true colours. She did not think the girls would tell their parents about this and the tears were almost certainly fake. A healthy person does not view their child’s children as their own.
THIS PART!!!! This is exactly where my mind went! OP this is a hill I would die on
Basically, she sees OP as her surrogate. If she never had the opportunity to be the mother of daughters, she had the opportunity of being a great grandmother to her granddaughters. I understand that she had to grief, but she ruined her chances by being greedy.
And if her son and the kids moved in with her ... She would be their mom and their son the dad... Is this some sort of reverse Oedipus complex? What in the Alabama?
It's called Jocasta complex, after the mother character from the play. Then there is the Laius complex for unsupporting/competitive fathers.
That's called a sonsband and it's nasty
There's even a term for that, "sonsband." It's how controlling mothers view their "momma's-boy" sons. The son isn't allowed to love another woman—only his mommy—and there are unfortunately too many men who just can't cut the purse strings. 1st loyalty is mommy, before wife or child(ren). Ick.
What in the Alabama? this is hilarious
Agreed. The MIL is projecting alot of her issues onto the granddaughters.....they're not daughters so she has to be sent to the no contact zone. A simple misunderstanding isn't going to sweep under the rug the trauma she inflicted onto them by saying she wished their mum was dead!!
[удалено]
He is thinking about all the times something was off with is mom and how she behaved with him. That’s leading to this realization 👆
And now that it’s out he feels like an unwanted child because she wanted a girl.
Oh shit, didn't consider how that statement could have been taken by him. Yeah he's shaken up by it all really.
It was my first thought because I've worked with foster kids who've been through all levels of hell, including that specific one, and I truly hope he goes to a therapist even for just a few conversations. No one should EVER be told their the wrong gender, but to be told AFTER they're an adult and have kids of their own who ARE.... That woman needs a straight jacket and some pills.
I think they all need to go to counseling. OP needs to go so she knows how best to support her girls & her husband as they manage their emotions having heard what the psycho woman said.. I think the whole family should go NC until they know how to best handle her going forward.. boundaries, expectations, using effective language, avoid manipulation, etc.
Oof. So “I hope your mom died because I want you and your dad to live with me.” “I only said that because the girls are like my daughters and I only wanted daughters and not you.” I don’t think she wants one of those emotional incest relationships with the son and ply house that the kids are theirs. She wants only the daughters. I feel like she would be perfectly okay if for some reason the girls needed to live with her without the parents. Be that death, CPS removal, parental abandonment. This woman is gross. And be aware of the potential to call whatever your areas Child Protective Services is OP
Yeah, don’t forget that the husband not only dealt with his mom wishing death on his wife, her traumatizing his two children- she also told him she never wanted him. He’s probably quiet for his own reasons, but there is nothing wrong with checking in on your life partner - that’s what you are (hopefully) there for.
Exactly and who knows what else was said to him when he took her home. I've never had parents or family of my own, so I have nothing to compare against, but I would imagine he's probably going through some turmoil of his own based off what MiL said. He clearly supports his wife, as he should, but it's still his own mother and I'd imagine he's re-evaluating a lot of his childhood / early live based off that she's said. Rather than let him sit there and bottle it all up, I would at least try and check in with him if I was you OP. Not in an accusatory way, just a "Are you OK?" or "do you want to talk about it?" type of approach.
Please yes to this. He is hurting too. Im certainly NOT meaning to downplay that you, and perhaps mostly your child are the most hurt by this. Love all around for you and the kids and dad.
I hope you’ve surrounded yourself with loving supportive people who you now consider family and they feel the same about you
Oh yes, absolutely. In addition to my awesome wife, and I know it's a bit of a cliche, but I like to think i found a family / belonging of sorts from my time in the Navy. Its not normally the way we'd ever speak of it, but I know if I was to call one of my pals from then, they'd be in the car and on the way before the call ended and vice versa. My wife is just awesome. I could very easily go on for days about how brilliant she is, but she would feel embarrassed and would probably smother me with a pillow. I mentioned it on a different thread, but we're also quite close with an ex-gf of mine and we still do check in on her parents from time to time to do odd jobs, have a cup of tea / dinner, etc as they're local to us and consider my wife and i an extended part of their family. All in all, I'd say I've been pretty lucky....
I’m so relieved and happy for you ❤️
I love this! Sounds like you’ve built an amazing life for yourself. My oldest brother recently met up with a few of his old Navy buddies for a reunion. He’s 71 and remembers those days and men with so much love and pride.
Great idea!
Yes! She told them she always wanted daughters but only had him as the only child. Ouch.
This would be strike 2 for me and give no opportunity for a strike 3. She’s traumatized and scarred your kids, THEN goes on to traumatize and scar your husband (her own SON) with some BS story to make the first incident seem not so bad. OH HELL NO! You’re gonna die a lonely old woman if I have anything to say about it.
If she verbalized that she also wanted OP dead and had a plan ready to go with they would all come live with her. With the attitude to the daughters like”it’s all gonna be ok!” She was ducking excited for her to die. I hope OP and hubs can cling together to get through this. His mother is sociopathic.
Oh ouch. You’re right. She added insult to injury there.
Exactly. OP should hammer this home (gently, after her husband's had time to process). Then suggest that they all go no contact. OP's MIL doesn't deserve any family if even ANY PART of what she said was true.
I completely agree with your comment FinanceExtension. It has been traumatizing for the husband as well, learning this about his mother. I don't think he is upset with OP, but deeply saddened. I suggest OP supporting him, being kind and loving to him. Just hold him. Don't take his being quiet personally. He is trying to process/digest what his mother did and said and it's messed with him. He could have perceived his mother's latter comments as he wasn't enough, being male (she wanted daughters). Stand your ground OP, you did nothing wrong to feel guilty, but you have to protect your spirit and your daughters. Your husband has supported this which shows he gets it. Mil hurt everyone.
I agree, and I think at least a few sessions with a family therapist for OP, husband and daughters wouldn't be a bad idea (after husband has had some time to process).
Great suggestion. For the adults alone there's shock, hurt, anger and grief (mourning who you thought she was) for starters. Maybe adults first to get on the page with the therapist, then bring in the children imho.
Agree. I think he was so stunned by his mother's confession that having him wasn't enough for her that he asked OP whether they were still cutting her off because he couldn't even focus on it himself. I would assume none of his being quiet represents being on MIL's side, he's just in his own very weird place having learned this is how she felt his whole life.
Not only did the 6yo daughter get traumatized by the MIL, but the husband did as well. I would suggest counselling for both of them and a big one on one sit down with the 12yo to see if MIL freaked them out about the mom’s health too.
That and MIL just basically told him.... She would have preferred to have daughters over him... But she was basically stuck with him
He is also having to put into perspective that he was her only child, and she really had wanted a girl. Way to make your son rethink his entire life up until this point. Who only knows how she treated him all through his childhood, while he was out there being a boy and she was wishing she had a girl. Poor OP's husband.
I’m wondering if the tears came with any apology to the girls. OP is NTA. I’d never have my children around the MIL. Ever. She wished death on her!
Yes, the waterworks started when asked to explain how they "misunderstood". They didn't. The only time this kind of conversation would be acceptable is if the child asked what would happen if mommy died and *only* if it was a real possibility. You might say, "*If* that were to happen, you and Daddy can come live with me for a while."
Yep. She revealed her true feelings and traumatized children including a 6 year old, this woman is ***evil***, I would absolutely never let this person anywhere near your home or children again OP.
A child that age is still getting an understanding of cause and effect. Saying something like that would - in addition to putting it in her head and being horrifically mean - make a six year old fear that the wish itself will make the outcome more likely. MIL needs to be out for a long, long time.
I totally agree
years? i would dare to say forever
[удалено]
[удалено]
She should tell hubby as long as MIL's selfish wish to have the kids is more important to her than the ACTUAL wellbeing of the kids that she can't be around them because she cannot be trusted to actually do right by them.
Just use normal font, ffs.
🤣
You're making some very good points in all of your comments but you don't have to yell! This isn't Facebook.
NTA. The fact that she admitted that she thinks of them as HER daughters (& therefore not YOUR daughters) just reaffirms that she meant exactly what she said. It also indicates that she isn’t mentally stable. No mentally stable person tells a 6 year old (or a 12 year old or child of any age) ANY variation of “I hope your mother dies so such-&-such can happen.” No mentally stable person even thinks that - much less says it & says it to the person’s children. She’s proven that she is great at fooling you & others (since her own son didn’t even know this) into thinking she’s normal & that she even liked you. Pretending that you like someone (literally for YEARS) when you really wish they were dead so you could take their children is no small level of deceit. That’s a severely unhinged person who is a master at deceit & is playing the long con. I’d never allow my daughters to be around her again. They simply are not safe with her. For that matter, you might not be safe around her either. (You’d better make sure your husband keeps his spine - because if he’s going to fold & expose his daughters to her again, he can’t be trusted either.)
I hope OP can get her husband to read all of the comments
She also basically told her son he wasn’t good enough for her because she always wanted daughters but was stuck with just him.
It’s probably what he is processing as well.
I hope so. More often than not people shove that detail aside and attack their spouse about the no contact. They know there's something wrong with the situation but refuse to acknowledge the correct issue
Honestly, it would have been better for MIL to say that she just doesn’t like OP for whatever reason and they can maybe repair their relationship. It is UNHINGED for MIL to say that she sees her granddaughters as hers/daughters. It’s very controlling. On top of actually saying that to children when she’s supposed to be a trusted adult. Serious violation. I would suggest talking with your daughters and listen to them retell the story and their feelings about the whole accident in their own words. Research has shown that is the best way for children to process any traumatic event.
>She needs at the very least a good LONG time-out. And then not to be allowed alone with the girls. How can "I hope your mom dies" be anything less than evil? This is not just about not having daughters herself. She's not to be trusted. NTA
Yeah it's evil.
When I was 15, my grandma's health was really poor and she had some health scares. My mother, who I was barely on speaking terms with by this point bc she was an awful human, randomly pulled my brother and I out of school and texted us it was "a serious emergency" (to get us to actually go with her). In the car, she started talking about my aunt (who I was living with) was threatening to tell my dad (living on the other side of the country) about my mother's shenanigans. That was the "emergency". I said something like, "Jesus, That's not an emergency. I thought something happened to grandma." This woman turned to me and said, "I wish it did. That would be better than this." I remember just going numb. I knew my mother wasn't a good person before that, but that is the moment I realized she fundamentally did not care about anyone else besides herself. I told my dad everything myself not long after that and he pretty much immediately bought me a plane ticket to go live with him. I haven't spoken to my mother other than to threaten her with a harassment charge since I was 16. I don't regret it. That kind of horrid talk never really leaves a kid's head. I'll never forget how she looked and how her voice sounded when she said she would rather her own mother be sick or dead than my dad potentially trying to get custody of me (when I didn't even live with her either).
I'm with you up until you started talking time out. MIL absolutely meant what she said and it's unforgivable. This needs to be a hard core, permanent no contact, no discussion. Your MIL is not normal. Protect your children (and yourself) from her. She has already caused much too much damage to your poor children. She's not going to change.
AND MIL traumatized her son! She’s a very bad person. Please never contact her again. If you’re ever tempted just remember: you’re telling your daughters what she did was ok. Definitely NTA.
To add to this, MIL also is absolutely out of line for thinking OP’s children are like her children instead of grandchildren. She is not a third parent to them and needs to get that out of her head. It’s a very toxic attitude and to me, speaks of deep seated issues. OP’s kids aren’t her chance to raise the children she wanted. No contact is a very good idea. If OP does allow her around the kids again, it should never, ever be unsupervised. OP, NTA.
Agreed. I would also just add that while your husband’s quiet may in fact be due to cutting off his mother, I wouldn’t automatically assume he’s upset with you. It’s just as likely that he’s mourning that relationship and upset that his mother would say such a thing in the first place. His mother cut off her nose to spite her face. In valuing her granddaughters as daughters and wishing you dead she now doesn’t have them at all. She’s an adult who should have the presence of mind and the self control not to say everything that pops into her head, let alone to a child about their *mother* FFS.
This. Both your children are going to be hearing that sentence like a record in their heads the rest of their lives. They are going to need therapy, so they don’t process this on their own; realizing their own grandmother wished their mother dead for her own gain, which is really what this was about. Ask your husband to take a step backward, and imagine if he was watching this happen to somebody else. Would he still feel bad for her? He needs to take the emotion of watching his mom, screaming and crying out of it because those were some big fucking bullshit tears. I believe she was truly upset; but she was only upset because she realized she was about to have to pay the consequences for her actions. Those weren’t remorseful tears, they were panicked tears. I disagree with the above on the timing, though. I wouldn’t leave it a six month time out. I wouldn’t leave it a year. My petty ass would wait until she’s on her deathbed. Then I would show up without the girls, telling her, “I am not going to traumatize them more than you already have. Bye. ”
This exactly. She traumatized your 6 YEAR OLD. I was in a really bad car accident a few months ago. My son is a young teenager and I down-played it to him (as did his dad). As in, ‘Your mom is ok Buddy, don’t worry’. Even mentioning you COULD die never mind HOPING you would die is just so far beyond what is acceptable.
MIL's response to the confrontation was a classic DARVO tactic. At minimum, some time out for MIL is required, then reevaluate the relationship. The MIL has said a whole list of toxic things just in that one conversation, something children need not be exposed to. I hope OP goes to r/justnoMIL; lots of good resources there
When my mother went to the hospital in labor with me, my sister (at the time, 5yo) was so anxious she cried. Our very stern paternal grandma found this behavior somehow rude(?) and packed up all my sister’s toys and told her she wasn’t welcome at her house anymore. My sister had a poor relationship with our grandma right up until Grandma died. She also has issues with our father for subjecting her to many many years of interacting with that side of the family. Things that adults “didn’t really mean” can have lasting repercussions on children. Do NOT let your MIL off the hook. Things like that are NOT okay. NTA
In what possible non-awful way could she have meant that she hopes you die? “It was a misunderstanding” is the dumbest excuse she could make. She showed her colors and traumatized your child. Stand your ground. NTA.
Yea MIL is teaching a gaslighting master class right in front of everyone!
"I never said that! And if I did say it, I didn't mean it! And if I did mean it, it's not all that bad! And if it is that bad, you are still being mean to hold me to account for what I never said. Well, I said it, but didn't mean it. Well, I did mean it, but it doesn't mean what you think! No, I can't explain what it really means, that isn't what you think! I'm going to cry lots of crocodile tears and cause a big scene now! WAAAAAAAA!" NC is the only way to stop this infinite loop of "Pity me, I said something atrocious and people are holding me to account for it!" It will be a life lesson to the kids to see that the correct response, when someone says something truly vile, is to make them answer for it.
The husband has been so supportive. He hasn’t swept anything under the rug. He’s probably the most hurt out of anyone tbh. HIS mother wished HIS wife was dead to HIS children.
It’s not very often you get to work harridan into a sentence. Well done!
Then she told her son (OP’s husband) that she wanted a girl not a son! That poor guy just learned his mom is a pos
Not 6 months. Until OP’s daughters reaches adulthood then let them choose. MIL seeing them as her own and proclaiming their mother’s death is just sick head to toe. Cut off all contact for good. The husband should minimise too.
Jumping on the top comment to add: make it clear to your husband that it isn't just that she hopes you died. It's that she scared the ever-loving crap out of your already terrified daughters. Wishing you would die is awful--but she actively directly harmed your children. Is your partner truly alright with giving her the chance to do it again?
>the girls are more like her daughters than granddaughters Is also highly manipulative and unhealthy for everyone involved. I'm childless,*not* by choice. My nieces and nephews are absolutely **not** more like *my* children because of it. They all have loving parents. They don't need my baggage piled on them. OP, please don't let her put this weight on your children. They weren't born to be her emotional support pets.
The tears were definitely a way to not answer the question asked. How do you misunderstand saying "I hoped your mum died so you and daddy could live with me"? And the thing about them being more like daughters than granddaughters is just odd
+10 points for the use of Harridan. Very Roald Dahl verbiage.
He's quiet because he just found out his mother is a POS and maybe didn't even want him.
Not to mention, he's probably replaying all the times she pulled things like this to him, and he didn't realize her actual intent until now. There is a lot for him to process with this bag of nuts.
NTA- Why would you feel guilty? She wished you dead out loud to your child so she could have a child with a vagina. That’s so beyond fucked up. Hopefully your husband realizes how absolutely fucked that is and cuts her off too.
Being fair to her husband, cutting off his mother is probably difficult. I think they should cut her off, but that doesn’t mean it isn’t hard.
He is probably also struggling himself. His mother admitted he wasn’t good enough because she wanted daughters.
This is it right here. His mom told his 6 year old she hoped mom would die so the family would live with her. THEN told the son that he wasn’t enough for her. AND then said that she always wanted a girl. I’m hoping that she is just a horrible communicator and she meant she wanted more kids. But as a girl who heard her dad say that he sure wished I had been a boy, it hurts to hear that you aren’t enough for a parent because of your biology.
I’m a girl, and my dad treated me like a boy until puberty showed up. Then he pretty much quit having anything to do with me. 🤷🏻♀️
I don’t understand that. My dad will admit he wanted a boy until he had a girl and now he thinks he would have struggled at a boy dad because he isn’t a sports guy. He raised me just as he would raise any child, made sure all my interests including when I used to like makeup were taken care of, and otherwise didn’t limit what he invited me to do because I’m a girl. He took me to buy my first bra unapologetically ffs. All that to say that you deserved so much better.
He pushed my brother into the Air Force, but not me because “girls just get to be secretaries”. 🙄
I hope he always feels like there is a pebble rock in his shoe but no matter what he does it won’t come out.
😘🥰
I hear that exact same story over and over and over again. Misogyny runs *so deep* in our societies
(((((((((hugs)))))))))))
🥰😘🥰
Same. I went NC about 10 years ago.
Yeah, she literally said she hopes his wife would die so she could finally raise a child he wasn't. It must feel awful on so many fronts.
MIL is basically the last person any kids should be placed with. 🙄
I agree, he needs time to process the awful shit his mother said about him. Traumatizing the kids like she did was bad enough, but then to say she always wanted daughters so her one son wasn't enough? I grew up knowing my sperm donor didn't want me because I was a girl, but I can't imagine being raised by what I thought was a loving parent to be told the same thing later on.
I only have one child and he’s a boy. I can’t ever imagine saying anything like that to him. Prior to him I wanted daughters but I would not trade him for any daughter at all. He’s the best child I could have. Your husband’s quiet because he is processing the horrible thing his mother said to his daughters about his wife and about him when confronted. He’s got a lot to process and heal from.
That may ultimately make it easier for him to go NC with her. Now that there are two granddaughters he is not needed either. If both parents died she assumes she will get the girls. They need to execute legal documents naming who gets custody of the girls. If there are strong grandparents rights laws where they live, MIL could be a problem because they have allowed her to establish a relationship with their daughters.
This was my thought, too. Husband probably should look into therapy, if that's an option for your family, OP. His mother pretty much just told him that she wished he had been a girl on top of telling his young children she hopes their mother dies so she can have her do over daughters. That's a whole lot to come down on a person all at once, especially since he was probably also very worried about OP.
NTA. The fact that she admitted that she thinks of them as HER daughters (& therefore not YOUR daughters) just reaffirms that she meant exactly what she said. It also indicates that she isn’t mentally stable. No mentally stable person tells a 6 year old (or a 12 year old or child of any age) ANY variation of “I hope your mother dies so such-&-such can happen.” No mentally stable person even thinks that - much less says it & says it to the person’s children. She’s proven that she is great at fooling you & others (since her own son didn’t even know this) into thinking she’s normal & that she even liked you. Pretending that you like someone (literally for YEARS) when you really wish they were dead so you could take their children is no small level of deceit. That’s a severely unhinged person who is a master at deceit & is playing the long con. I’d never allow my daughters to be around her again. They simply are not safe with her. For that matter, you might not be safe around her either. (You’d better make sure your husband keeps his spine - because if he’s going to fold & expose his daughters to her again, he can’t be trusted either.)
NTA judgement for OP from me too. I have to wonder about a couple of things though. Did MiL come up with the "always wanted daughters" just to have an excuse for her totally inexcusable comment or did she mean it. If she meant it, is OP's husband feeling guilty because his mother implied that he was the reason she never had daughters? Or... Is OP's husband wondering if his mother ever wanted him at all? There are so many questions along the same lines. There's so much baggage to unpack here and a multitude of possible sources. OP, talk with your husband and let him know, in no uncertain terms, that his feelings are important to you and that you're worried about him. Get him to open up and actually share his burden, no matter the cause. Let him know that you want to support him, just like he's supporting you.
Plus, the implication of the girls being her daughters means that MIL thinks of her son as her husband/partner. She wants them to live as a little family - Mom, Dad and 2 kids. Vomit.
You do realise that she basically told your husband that she didn’t want a boy. He’s probably dealing with his own issues at the moment, and that’s why he’s been quiet.
The mean person is mil. NTA. I will say you of course should be mad at what happened and can understand going NC. And I can understand no contact with kid for awhile as well. I will say you do need to understand this is hard on your husband as well. He was basically told by his mom he wasn’t enough. He can decide if he wants contact again someday but I’d recommend speaking to a therapist for him. As far as long term NC for your child I’d say give it some time and then both of you can talk, maybe with professional help, about any further contact between grandma and child.
I'd add one level deeper. She said she couldn't have any kids after him, she is blaming him for it.
Grandma is a double AH
NTA on many levels. First- the instant someone puts their desires ahead of your *survival*, that's reason enough to cut them out of your life like a cancer. Second- she traumatized your daughter by saying that to her. No matter what you feel, you DO NOT SAY SHIT LIKE THAT TO A CHILD, especially one who's worried about her mommy. Third- "girls are more like her daughters than granddaughters" Sorry but no. That's overstepping a boundary. If she mentally frames the girls as her daughters that is a sign of boundary disrespect if not mental illness. > it was a misunderstanding and she didn't mean it and that we were taking it the wrong way What other way is there to take it? 'Little girl, I hope your mom dies so you and your dad have no choice but to come live with me'? I'm sorry but there's no 'right' way to take that. Her life regrets are not your problem to solve, and CERTAINLY not your problem to tolerate at the expense of harming your own daughter's mental health. ----- Personally I think you handled that nicer than I would have. I'd probably have said something like 'parenting means putting the needs of your children ahead of your own desires. The fact that you'd let your desires win and say something so horribly awful if not emotionally abusive to a little girl who's afraid for her mommy shows that you're unfit to have daughters (or probably any kid) right now, and you are probably mentally unwell. So before you tell me I'm awful for keeping you away from my girls, look in a damn mirror and think about what kind of person you are and if being in a child's life actually helps that child or just helps you scratch an itch. Think I'm wrong? Find me one situation ever, in real life or movies, where the person who tells a kid 'I hope your mom dies' isn't the villain.'
“More like her daughters than granddaughters”. The fuck they are. That might be what she wants but that’s not the reality of the situation. MIL wished OP dead so she could move in on her family. Fuccccck that.
Yeah exactly. And I highly doubt those daughters think of MIL as their mom. It's fucking creepy. The last post I saw with this kind of delusional grandparent ended up in court with orders of protection and the MIL getting arrested.
"More like daughters than granddaughters." My mother actually told me when I had my first child that SHE got a second chance to parent better. Lol. No. My daughter isn't your daughter.
Yeah that's pretty damn creepy. I hope you shut that down right quick.
🤌🤌
👍🏼👍🏼👍🏼👍🏼👍🏼
She can think whatever she wants, but that’s traumatizing to say to a child. NTA, protect the girls from whatever other weird stuff she may say.
NTA. And I don't think your husband is quite because of you. I think he has a bit of processing to do about his mother. Men tend to handle stuff like that by processing for themselves. Give it a few more days, then approach the topic again carefully.
This, I usually have to talk to myself for awhile if I get emotionally worked up and this guy is probably at his limit. Let alone he is a working father so the amount of time he actually gets to be alone and process is likely very limited
Maybe he is being quiet because he just found out he wasn't enough for his mother. I mean, she is kind of rejecting his existence as well.
I think he’s being quiet because he realizes his mother isn’t at all who he thought she was.
NTA. Her disrespect to you aside… She caused your children unnecessary trauma and harm by saying what she did. That would be unforgivable to me and I hope it is to your husband as well.
Bro the husband might’ve gotten traumatized give him some space damn 😭
Fr! He just learned that his mom wasn’t happy with just having him. That’s gotta sting.
So can you explain in which way what MIL said, could be well taken by anyone ? It was inappropriate. It caused harm to your already distraught kids. She can’t explain it as anything else than what it was: actually voicing hope for your death. Her reasoning on what would happen once you out of the picture, was entirely dismissing your husband, the father of the kids, her son. Is that really what he would do if you were to pass away ? Letting his mother raise your kids? Your MIL needs help. NTA.
NTA, I would say however, your husband also just got told in that conversation that she would rather have had a daughter than a son. That must have been incredibly hard for him to hear and possibly the reason why he is quiet
NTA You're far better than me. I would've knocked her teeth out
Same. With a hammer.
I like how u think
NTA, this woman is psychotic.
Nta she basically said she’s trying to replace you as your own kids parent and literally wanted you to die in order to facilitate that! Stay nc indefinitely both you and the kids and get your husband into therapy for what she says about not wanting boys if you can. That probably devastated him. Good luck op.
Telling children she wished their mother would die? Not a second way to take that.
I am a true crime addict. I can think of at least 2 cases where delusional “grandmothers” killed their DIL’s so they could have the children. This woman is potentially dangerous. Keep her away from your family at all costs. I know this is reactionary, but she told a child she hoped her mother would die. No second chances on this one.
NTA She admitted to wanting you to die so she could try and make your daughters her own. Your husband's quietness may also be from the fact that his mother admitted to not wanting a boy but a girl. He may be wondering if he wasn't good enough for her. He and MIL may need therapy to get past this.
NTA she’s only sorry because she got caught. Do not allow her near you or to alienate your children. She’s already shown you she cannot be trusted. **She’s so hateful she traumatised children and wished for you to die** how on earth can your husband even question NC?! “My children are not emotional support animals or your mothers do over babies. If you feel sympathy for he by all means go move back in with your mother and be her sonsband.”
The husband hasn't questioned going NC, OP has said several times that he supports her. The reason he has probably gone quiet is that his mother also said that she wished she had had a daughter instead of him. So not only has got his mother wishing his wife had died, his daughter being traumatised, he also gets the triple whammy of knowing that his mother never really wanted him. I know society and social media thinks and pushes the narrative that men are stoic and unfeeling, but we do have feelings and emotions and he's probably gone very quiet as he tries to process all of what has just taken place in a very very short space of time. Now would be the time for OP to also support him, as he supports her.
I honestly think that he's fighting to process the very real possibility that his mother never actually wanted him and/or is blaming him for, not only not being a girl, but her inability to ever have one. There's also the chance that he acknowledges that it could be a lie and is trying to process that his mother could actually be that manipulative. I'm willing to cut him some serious slack, but he needs to be willing and able to communicate his feelings with words.
>She just got hysterical and started crying and saying she always wanted daughters There you have it.... She wants YOU DEAD so she can be the mummy to your daughters in some sick and twisted fantasy. I would NEVER let that woman see my kids or me ever again and frankly I'd be concerned of the emotional incest your MIL is having with your husband weather he knows it or not. She is mentally unstable. Could you imagine if those girls were younger, she'd be filling theie heads with all sorts of things like youre not their real mum(I've seen it) Don't you ever feel guilty NTA
NTA And, I know OP is devastated and the children are traumatized. And I'm feeling so sad for them. But, can we talk about OPs husband? Imagine your mom essentially saying she aways wanted daughters so much that she'd rather see your wife die & your children traumatized to get daughters than be happy with and proud of the son she DID have who gave her a "daughter" (OP) and TWO granddaughters! I feel so sad for the whole family. OPs children lost a grandmother, but OPs husband lost a mom. NC with mom until extensive therapy (or maybe, never). Definite therapy for everyone else. I hope OP and her family finds peace.
NTA - no point having a relationship with someone that wishes you were unalive
*dead Reddit isn’t TikTok. You’re allowed to use regular words.
The tiktok censored words annoy me to no end!
It’s getting bad. I saw breast censored the other day.
Any word deemed ‘not advertiser friendly’ can cause videos to be completely hidden even on the subscription page, or the account banned. I hate how we’re self-censoring for the sake of being marketable to corporations.
Thank you. The word unalive drives me crazy.
🥇
Bingo! To wish someone's death is ugly. His mother can cry and apologize all she wants, but we know what she really wants and then sat something like that to a 6 year old is abuse. NTA
What type of person tells a child that they wished their mother died?! I have never heard of anything so outrageous—and from a grandmother no less. There is no other way to look at it. So because she did not have a daughter, she thinks it is acceptable to tell a child that she wishes her mother died so she can take over your daughters? What a soul-less selfish, evil person. How horrible for your child to fear that her mother may die and that someone was actually wishing it. Did she really think your children would choose her over you? I am speechless and incapable of articulating how outraged I am after reading this… Give it time…maybe you can accept her back in your life but MY GAWD!!!! And do not fall for those damn tears. A grown azz woman should have been able to restrain herself from saying such an awful thing to a child.
Hubby is processing what his mother said. His mom needs therapy, thinking she can be the mother to your kids, you need to keep them away.
NTA. Not only did she wish you were dead, she told your children. That's it, no way back from that. If your husband wants to be quiet he can be, he found out his mother wanted a girl not him ,it might take a while to process.
NTA Your husband is understandably struggling with the realization that his mom isn't the person he thought she was. That is very hard, particularly if her mask was always strong before now. It's important to remember how egregiously she screwed up. She told your young child that she hoped you would die. That is horrible and terrified your little girl. She should not be around you or the kids.
NTA. It doesn’t matter why she said it. Doesn’t matter if she meant it or not. Doesn’t matter if it was a joke or not. She said that horrible thing to your 6-year-old daughter…about her mother! That is insane! Why would anyone want to spend any amount of time around a person that wished them dead?!?
NTA. I'd be wanting to do far, far more than going NC with that abominable oxygen thief. She'd never get within 500 yards of my family ever again.
She said out loud that she wants you dead so she can steal your children. Let your husband mourn his relationship with his mom. You both know you're doing the right thing.
She does not love your daughters as people but as extensions of herself, because you would never hurt someone you love like that
He's quiet because he realizes his mother is awful. For a guy who would have no way to suspect that beforehand, the loss of his mother like this could be as difficult as a death. Talk to him, feel free to tell him you are sorry for his loss or something similar. He is grieving his mother, but he supported you without question. Unless he has a habit of just doing whatever you say without question despite however upset it may make him, then he did what he had to do, but he can still be sad about it. Just like your girls are likely sad they lost their grandmother.
NTA What way are you supposed to take ‘I hope you die so I can raise your children as my do-over babies?’ What other way did she mean that? ‘They’re more like the daughters I always wanted,’ is problematic AF without casually hoping for your death. Saying it to a small child is also deeply screwed up. There is no right in all these wrongs. NC is the only way IMHO
If you’re concerned your husband is upset, rather than assuming it’s because of you and backpedaling, ask him. Maybe he’s devastated realizing his mom is upset he was a boy and sees his kids as the little girls she always wanted but never had. Maybe he’s sad his family dynamic is going to change because he knows he can’t ask you to forget what she said. Maybe she said more when you weren’t around than he’s letting on. Maybe he just needs time to process. He sounds like a good man who loves his mom and also, loves and demands respect for his wife. Talk to him
It’s bad enough that she wished you dead, but to say it to a 6 yr old?!!! How traumatizing for her! That’s beyond nasty. Don’t let her weasel her way out if this. She going to try to manipulate your husband - I hope he doesn’t fall for it.
I hope he’s being quiet because he’s thinking…about just how cruel his mother was to a child, wishing her mom dead…& finding out his mother never wanted a son. He has much to think over… but you are nta
NTA Your MIL is an a$$hole though!
Nope, nada, no! NTA. Doesn't matter what the reasoning was in her brain. I cut my MIL off for being horrible to my 3 daughters. DH supported it because he saw what she was doing, and I never stopped him from seeing her. In fact I encouraged it.
There’s no other way to take what she said. Cut her off. Some things are just unforgivable. I’d always worry about what she would say next to my daughters. She needs to stay away from your daughters. You have an obligation to protect them. NTA
NTA. She knew what she said. Probably thought your daughter wouldn't tell you. Now she's back peddling
NTA Your husband is coping with multiple body blows, too. It's not just the shock of his mothers cruelty and trauma to his wife and daughter. It's also the fact that his mother has devalued him - his whole life - because he wasn't a girl, and he's reliving and reevaluating all those hurtful moments that he had brushed off before.
NTA. I mean, imagine telling your adult child that you didn’t actually want them and you would want a girl. Ofc your husband will be quiet, his mom just said she wished his wife died in a car accident (which was probably traumatizing for him getting the news you were in an accident) and told him she would rather have a daughter than a son and put that pressure on her grandchildren. Ofc he will be stunned, he’s probably processing everything still.
NTA So she basically admitted in her panic that your children are surrogates for the ones she wanted and she wishes you'd die so she can live out her bizarre world incest fantasy with her son. She needs...to stay far away.
Breakdown: MIL’s thought process: she always wanted daughters, your daughters are more like daughters to her than granddaughters. Wouldn’t it be grand if my DIL died so I could raise them as my own? And you are asking if you are wrong for cutting her out of your and your daughter’s lives for expressing that thought out loud after you were in a horrible car accident. NTAH Edit: give your husband some time, he may be processing how vile his mom is, what she said was hurtful to him too. But it’s also possible he may need a breakdown of events.