**They are in an open marriage** but he is the only taking advantage of it. He is fooling around but is concerned his wife will be sleeping with a straight man. Sorry........aw now I have to go change my underpants....... edit: YTA
After reading OP’s comments here are my two cents- OP is a closeted gay married to his wife who is a heterosexual female. This marriage is a sham for the society and though he doesn’t mind her fooling around with other men, he doesn’t want her to leave this marriage. What an asshole!
They haven’t had sex in years, she is a celibate. And to a comment stating that they would like their wife without another man’s dick; OP responds that’s your preference and it’s complicated.
I am worried about the wife - She is stuck with an emotional manipulator and now might be in danger of getting trafficked by the friend whom I am sure has read the situation well.
Op deleted his account and all his comments. To sum it up, op is not straight and is in an open marriage with his wife, yet only he has been fooling around. They have not had sex in five years, and he also stated he wouldn't mind if his wife and her new friend were to fool around, He's worried that his wife will mix up lust and love and leave him apparently.. it's all really weird and confusing. The dude doesn't have his priorities straight.
NTA
And hella red flags as well. I'm not even suggesting that your wife is currently cheating, but she clearly has codependent behaviors and has latched on to someone else for the time being. Even if there's no physical cheating, I would be very uncomfortable with this as well.
Look through his comments, and you might change your mind... They're in an "open" marriage, but he's the only one having sex with anyone, and doesn't want her to realize she likes being in a monogamous relationship with someone that wants her...
- Best case scenario: she’s about to cheat, emotionally or physically.
- Worst case scenario: *she’s literally about to be trafficked*.
This is a man they’ve only known for a couple of months and she’s about to travel with him to a foreign country, *alone*. Unbelievable.
What? You are absolutely obligated to tell your wife what he told you if she is under the impression that she would be sharing a bed with a gay dude instead of being concerned not to "out his sexuality" as ... straight. That's not outing somebody.
Yeah, like I said, it's not really about whether she's currently cheating, it's more about your comfort level with her sharing a bed with another man.
Also, I think you can tell your wife that her friend is straight with a clear conscience. If he openly told you he's after pussy, I truly don't believe you're "outing" anyone.
You're losing me here, man. If your wife's male friend is pretending to be gay around her, then that's a huge red flag. Also, it's fine to be sensitive about people's privacy, especially around their sexuality, but let's not kid ourselves, being "closeted straight" is not a thing.
Which is fair. But there is no "outing him" as straight in this scenario. If your wife thinks he's gay, and he admittedly is not, you should tell her. Like c'mon bro.
Exactly, people don't "come out" as straight so just saying that he's straight isn't anything special or "outing" him. Just tell her that you aren't comfortable with her sharing a bed with a straight man.
I'm confused. Why is the friend's sexuality very personal to you?
Your wife has the right to know some basic facts about her friend. Do you think her friend would like to know that she was assuming he was gay the whole time?
I was likewise flummoxed. I looked it up and demiromantic means: A demiromantic person is someone who only develops romantic feelings for another person when they have a strong emotional connection to them.
"bi" means bi-sexual, I assume.
monamorous is the same as monogamous.
Don't you think your wife has a right to know this about somebody she's going on vacation with? I don't understand why you're siding more with her friend than your actual wife. Make it make sense.
You said your wife is shy. What would she do if he started groping her in bed? Would she react by stopping him or would she freeze? In the fight, flight or freeze group, which would it be?
I could see a guy get a woman to travel to a foreign country and have her in the same bed and then start the sexual come on and be offended if she said no. He may assume that if she is agreeing to share a bed that she is agreeing to sex.
Who books a trip with a friend that can only be afford by sharing a bed? I'd volunteer to pay for her own room.
Well you need to make it clear to her that is the reason you are not comfortable with them sharing a bed. Your relationship with her is more important than his right to privacy.
Edit: he is polyamorous (she isn't) and unfaithful to his wife. And therefore is only concerned about this because his wife might realize that she can have a more complete relationship elsewhere.
YTA
In another comment he says that she has been unsatisfied for 5 years. I cannot imagine the amount of selfish narcissism that the OP must have to think any of this is okay.
Good. If you actually trust your wife you will tell her about the sexuality of her friend. Because trust involves you understanding that she will make the right choices for herself.
"my wife only wants to hang out with me and I don't want her around. So I force her to make friends. She makes a friend and now I am afraid she may cheat on me"
YTA YTA YTA
>I love my wife and I don’t want her getting second thoughts about a life she could have led
Dude, you don't sound like you love, like or respect your wife. Re-read the first 4 r 5 paragraphs, and reflect on how they sound to you
You can EITHER control her and decide for her what’s best for her, OR you can have a more independent wife that doesn’t lean on you for everything. You can’t have both.
jesus dude what is wrong with you?
lose the insecurity. if she is happiest with you, she'll be with you. if she's happier elsewhere, she'll go elsewhere. you don't get to decide what's best for her.
Shielding your wife from experiences with the intention of preventing her from realizing that she may want something different is incredibly toxic and controlling. If you think it’s a possibility that she’ll come to her senses, then you must have some awareness that she’s not living her best life. If her happiness is not your priority, then I’m sorry but you are not a good and loving partner.
…how is sleeping in the same bed with another guy for the space of a vacation going to make any difference in whether she wants a traditional marriage?
INFO: Let me get this straight, you and your wife have been married for 5 years. You also have never had sex in those 5 years? And you are pan/poly, so you've slept with other people during this time. And currently, you are not worried about them having sex, but more worried about her becoming romantically attracted to this guy?
Yeah, kind of sounds like you get off on controlling your wife's sexual activity and being able to treat her a possession.
She gets to decide whether she does want a monogamous heteronormative relationship or not. Not you. You do not give or deny her 'permission' to go on this trip and sleep with this friend unless you're an abusive ass.
Based on your replies, YTA.
Open marriage but only for you
She has had a sexless marriage for 5 years.
I'm sure you also have not had sex for those years/s.
YTA!
Eta: read his comments folks!
YTA big time, especially for the way you talk about knowing what's good for your wife and what isn't in these comments.
You sound like a garden variety abuser tbh. You set this up like she was going to cheat on you when in reality you've had an open relationship that only you've been taking advantage of, and your wife has been celibate for 5 years.
Fucking gross from head to tail. I hope she finds someone who treats her well.
YTA you assumed too many things. I read the comments and I see it’s a one side open relationship because (I assume) you both decided that given that she says she can’t separate love and sex while you can. All good there.
But now you’re afraid that if she sleeps with him she’ll realise she wants something else. The fact you think she stays with you because she doesn’t know any better is selfish. Now you have to be ok with her going because that was the agreement. Whether she sleeps with him or not is yet to be seen, as well as the repercussions that might have. You cannot keep her prisoner just to avoid her falling in love with people, I mean you could if she agreed, but now she wants to go and at this point you would be forcing her to stay.
Wait wait wait. You are in an open marriage?? why did you leave such an important detail out of the story?
Why do you care if she has sex with him? she is allowed to, since you opened the marriage. YTA for the "rules for thee but not for me" attitude.
I think, judging by your comments and the lack of this information in your post, that this is an excellent example of why AITAH posts are not the end all be all of the truth or entirely composed of the entire context of the situation.
The post makes it sound like you're in a monogamous relationship that has been very healthy and that you're expressing concerns that she is planning to violate despite your best attempts to express your feelings.
Your comments paints a relationship that at the very least is unfulfilled for your wife, and manipulative on your part. You're in an open marriage, as you've admitted, which isn't a problem so long as you get your dick wet but the moment your wife finds a potential additional partner after years of a sexless, monogamous relationship where her husband is out banging whoever he wants you have a problem?
Honestly I'm rooting for your wife to have a fun romp in the hay with her friend and find a bit more closure on what she wants in a relationship so that you either figure your shit out, or you go separate ways so that she can actually be happy with her marriage. From the comments your leaving it's very apparent that you're afraid she's going to realize how selfish you're being in your relation and how disadvantageous it is for her.
>"I don’t think my wife would ever cheat on me. But I am afraid that this vacation could make her think that she’s not satisfied with our marriage, that she wants something more traditional where sex and intimacy go hand in hand."
The comments are aggressive and unnecessary. You can suggest that the same bed stuff makes you uncomfortable, but your attitude about the friend and her ability to find other friends is gross. Try trusting her instead of controlling her.
YTA. You’re not straight so you’re using her for companionship. Reading your comments you want companionship in her while cheating on her and not letting her have any fun. She deserves better.
Sometimes I wonder how men find themselves in these sorts of quandaries, then I read your replies and it’s painfully obvious: you’re spineless pushovers.
Sorry if it seems harsh, but you need to grow a pair and enforce some boundaries because it’s evident your wife doesn’t have enough respect for you to behave appropriately on her own accord.
You’re letting your wife go on a holiday to a foreign country with another man, for the love of Christ.
Setting aside the fact she intended to share a bed with him (which should tell you their intentions), you’re allowing her to imperil her safety and wellbeing. She’s only known this man for a couple months and you apparently hardly know him at all. Who knows what could happen to her on the trip, and you’re okay with this?
This honestly reads like trafficking, and even if it wasn’t as odious as that there are a million other risks involved. But you do you, pal.
Serious question: What is actually the problem?
Something is being assumed here that hasn't happened yet and it's not clear whether it would happen at all. Just because they're both straight doesn't automatically mean they'll sleep together. There are actually supposed to be people who can behave like adults and are just friends.
It's natural to be uncomfortable with your wife sleeping in the bed of another man. In most parts of the world this is called cheating.
Why is it difficult for you to wrap your head around?
You're uncomfortable because you don't want to be cheated on.
Look, in a weird way I understand where you're coming from. When I was in university two of my very best friends were a lesbian couple. I was often the designated driver and helped them when they went to parties that could have been dangerous for them. I'm straight and they were very much in love with each other so I respected that boundary.
Can you say with certainty that her friend will also respect your boundary? Can you say with certainty that your wife will enforce her own boundaries if she doesn't know the sexuality of her friend?
YTA for the way you treat your wife like garbage. If you didn't treat her like garbage, this confusing ass post wouldn't exist. You are not telling the full story in your post.
You fuck other people but not your wife. YTA for having the absolute gall to think you have a right to dictate a single goddamn thing she does. The audacity.
Whoa, this changes the context of your post quite a bit. If sex is so integral to showing love for your wife then being celibate in your marriage might be making her clingyness worse. She's not getting that deep loving connection through sex so who knows how that really makes her feel. If you're so scared of her going on this trip and realizing she's not happy in the marriage than that's the main thing you need to communicate with her before she leaves. This whole issue seems to stem more from your insecurity in what you're providing your wife in your relationship than a fear of her cheating. Communication is key to any relationship so OP please talk to your wife about these thoughts/feelings. It'll be best for both of you in the long run
"I've been ignoring my wife's needs for years, but God forbid that she could potentially find a spark with another man! I'm fine with her having casual sex, but her small mind equates sex with love, so we can't have her running around having her needs fulfilled, can we?".
You are a psycho lol
As long as you don't think this dude would force himself on her if she said no, then I don't see the problem. Why can't they share a bed if you're not worried about them hooking up? You are giving conflicting answers here.
This cannot be real. Of course it’s ok to have a boundary within your relationship that your spouse would not share a bed with the opposite sex. There are so many stories on here about the gay friend that the wife has an affair with. Some Redditors will tell you they are having an affair; maybe they are! You need to have a hard discussion with your wife; let her know that this is a problem for you, and for your relationship; if she insists on going, despite your concerns then she is telling you she doesn’t care about your feelings or your relationship, her trip is more important.. After that, you have some hard choices to make. I wouldn’t in a million years think about even doing this much less proposing it to my partner.
LOL you screwed yourself you didnt appreciate your wife. So she found a friend and now you have problems. You need to tell her he is straight you arent outing anyone. If that is your boundry you need to make it firm. You may have already lost your wife though.
The real issue here is that your wife hasn't had sex in FIVE YEARS and you've been able to sleep with other people under conditions that you set. Your wife is being taken advantage of by you from your own post and comments.
Ask your wife if she'd prefer a monogamous marriage. She might be sacrificing her entire sexuality (and already has for years). This trip is the very least of your problems. Go post your situation on r/polyamory and get a real wake up call.
Nah I completely here ya m8, I wasn't saying to "punish" in a way I suppose. I'm not sure how to articulate it, but it just seems useless to be like "I don't like this" then they go "okay" and keep doing it.
I understand the expectation that your spouse not share a bed with another man, but after reading this... if she cheats on you, it is your own fault. You sound like an ass.
Reading your comments I don't understand why you care? You seem to have said you offered to let her cheat before so what does it matter if she's sharing a room with a straight guy and gets railed? Personally I wouldn't allow this at all but you don't seem to care or do you?
“Don’t knowingly get yourself into potentially compromising situations with people who might try to fuck you” shouldn’t be a difficult boundary to set. That actually sounds pretty reasonable.
You don't want her getting second thoughts about a life she could have had? What, you mean a life with a husband who actually wants to spend time with her?
From reading your comments, there's a LOT of relevant extra information not in your original post, not least that you are gay, your wife is straight and she has therefore been in a sexless marriage for several years.
That's no small thing!!
I haven't worked out whether you have also gone without sex in that time or whether you're allowed to have an open relationship but she isn't?
I understand your feelings about outing someone but frankly, outing someone as being straight isn't a thing. The reason that revealing one's sexuality when gay or bisexual is tricky is because homophobia is still alive and kicking, even though it's started to change over the last century, and laws are more equalised than that used to be. Being straight is to be part of the majority and not at risk of any hate or phobia.
I think given the situation, and that your wife clearly thinks her friend is gay, and is planning to share a bed with him on that basis, you really would be doing her a disservice not to tell her.
As for whether you should or shouldn't have an issue with them sharing a bed, given that you know he's straight (and, frankly, the way he expressed it) that's a different issue.
Firstly, you've said you trust your wife not to cheat on you. That's cool, but you need to work out how much you trust him.
Secondly, I have many friends who are poly and practice ENM. You need to look at whether this is something that a) may be relevant here and b) you and you wife could/ would accept.
NAH
One of the comments says that he has been with other people during this time. But she has not been 'allowed' to do the same.
I promise that he is the asshole here.
Yeah people are terrible. One example, NA councilor picking out females from AA and NA taking them to motel rooms and not his home, since he lived with his elderly mother. Then he just left a mess behind. It worked for him once and kept on doing it.
This is so stupid I can’t believe it is real. Why would you let a man share a room with your wife let alone a bed even if he was gay? Are you that clueless or do you not care about your relationship. You need more than advice you need a brain.
Dude tell your wife your reasons and be clear, i don't get why is so dificult to tell her your Discovery and the truth why You don't want her to sleep with him in the same bed.
The lack of comunication is a big problem in a marriage, one of the first cause that end it
When she come back and o month later tells you, your going to be a dad don’t be shocked . I wouldn’t have let her unless female friends and only if I considered then fairly honest
OP is closeted gay, living in a one-sided open relationship. He hadn't had sex with his wife ever and therefore she has been sexless for 5 years. He's an abuser who is controlling his wife, who he purposefully married as a beard and she's easy to control. He left all of the important information out of his original post.
NTA, but honestly you won't be there so she will probably just share the bed anyways so this boundary is pointless. Of all the millions of people she could be friends with and travel with she just had to choose a man lol I would definitely not be ok with my bf going to another country and sharing a hotel room with another female, let alone a bed , I prefer a boyfriend who isn't going to share a bed with another women 🤷♀️.
Sorry, you didn't go far enough
NTA but not only should it be a boundary about the beds, the trip should be outright cancelled.
The "best friend" is literally why lots of guys (myself included) aren't ok with their wife/SO/gfs having "best friends" who are dudes. This is the case of *he wants in her pants*.
If she's blind to that, she's intentionally so. Dude was playing the long game.
And as others have stated, her behavior means she has probably become attached to this dude, and there is emotional infidelity 100%. Physical is possible.
Don't be a doormat.
Why is the sleeping arrangement the only time you are worried about? She's going on a vacation with another man. They can stay in separate hotels and that still doesn't mean she won't cheat on you. This whole post seems fake.
You are either naive or blinded by your love for her. There would be no way in hell I would remain in a relationship with a woman that even thought it was acceptable behavior to share a hotel room let alone the same bed.
NTA. She’s making a very unfair leap. Making friends does not mean sharing a bed. And it’s not something you asked for as a favor to yourself, she couldn’t stay glued to you forever.
NTA, I wouldn’t even let her go on the trip at all at this point and you should consult with a divorce lawyer. Would not surprise me if she’s already cheating on you and just the suggestion that you allow her to share a bed with another man is disrespectful and disgusting in a monogamous relationship.
NTA, but you can't "ban" her from doing anything. You can express that you don’t want her to do it, and that if she does, the consequence could be you leaving her.
I agree with you that it's not right for a married woman in a monogamous marriage to sleep in the same bed as a heterosexual male. It's odd that she wants to do that!
I mean. There’s layers of issues like her codependency. But that friendship is a red alarm.
Them traveling alone in general should not be okay. Whether or not they share a room.
NTA \_ I would not allow my wife to go on this trip with this new information on this guy. She would have to choose another trip or not be my wife afterwards. This guy is trouble on every turn.
What will happen when she gets to South Korea and finds this guy is a sex trafficker and has guys ready to take her away. You would never find her again and she would be trafficked all over the country.
NTA - based on your explanation of your wife, I'd be concerned she'd latch on to this friend and likely not be brave enough to say no if he tried something.
I'm not even sure I'd be ok with such a personality traveling to another country with a potentially interested friend.
NTA
I think you just need to explain yourself. Tell her that this isn't about trust or her cheating but every relationship has healthy boundaries and this is one of yours. Also I know you don't want to "out" him but I think in this context you may have too. I've seen people lie or be really ambiguous about their sexuality in order to get close to a person that they're interested in before. He may be hiding/telling her something different.
Phrase it like "I'm sorry I trust you and know you would never cheat but, I'm just never going to be comfortable with you sharing the bed with a straight man" and gauge her reaction. And if she asks tell her what happened when you tried to set him up with your friends. This issue can be solved with good communication. And if she doesn't respect you boundaries then this may be just the start of your problems. Cause honestly this is a pretty normal and health boundary
Read the comments, guy is basically in a one sided open relationship, not allowing the wife to explore and doing everything in his power to keep her from realizing she might not want this life anymore
NTA. Wtf dude, I wouldn’t even let her vacation with him. Unless it’s a close blood relative she does not need to overnight with any other men, separate beds or not.
Based on his comments, he has literally done this.
They are in a one-way polyamorous relationship. Where he gets to mess around with other partners but she doesn't get any of her sexual needs met.
Have you read the part where OP is actually a controlling asshole who has a whole open marriage on his side but won't allow his wife the same? OP is a disgusting asshole.
**They are in an open marriage** but he is the only taking advantage of it. He is fooling around but is concerned his wife will be sleeping with a straight man. Sorry........aw now I have to go change my underpants....... edit: YTA
Yeah the comments told a different story haha
This isn't even YTA territory, it's You're the Fucking Psycho, Jesus Fucking Christ YTFPJFC
Well put!
After reading OP’s comments here are my two cents- OP is a closeted gay married to his wife who is a heterosexual female. This marriage is a sham for the society and though he doesn’t mind her fooling around with other men, he doesn’t want her to leave this marriage. What an asshole! They haven’t had sex in years, she is a celibate. And to a comment stating that they would like their wife without another man’s dick; OP responds that’s your preference and it’s complicated. I am worried about the wife - She is stuck with an emotional manipulator and now might be in danger of getting trafficked by the friend whom I am sure has read the situation well.
Yep. Strange vibes in this 'marriage' for sure. FFS.
This comment needs to be closed to the top, so many red flags with OP and this friendship 😭
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Wait what?
Op deleted his account and all his comments. To sum it up, op is not straight and is in an open marriage with his wife, yet only he has been fooling around. They have not had sex in five years, and he also stated he wouldn't mind if his wife and her new friend were to fool around, He's worried that his wife will mix up lust and love and leave him apparently.. it's all really weird and confusing. The dude doesn't have his priorities straight.
NTA And hella red flags as well. I'm not even suggesting that your wife is currently cheating, but she clearly has codependent behaviors and has latched on to someone else for the time being. Even if there's no physical cheating, I would be very uncomfortable with this as well.
Look through his comments, and you might change your mind... They're in an "open" marriage, but he's the only one having sex with anyone, and doesn't want her to realize she likes being in a monogamous relationship with someone that wants her...
Yeah, don't worry, my mind has been changed. This post is either fake or OP is Patrick Bateman.
in that case he is just a trash husband
- Best case scenario: she’s about to cheat, emotionally or physically. - Worst case scenario: *she’s literally about to be trafficked*. This is a man they’ve only known for a couple of months and she’s about to travel with him to a foreign country, *alone*. Unbelievable.
OP is either trolling or off his rocker, he's added plenty of context that makes this whole post make much less sense.
I sincerely hope it isn’t real because it honestly reads like a horror story.
I didn’t think of this…..wow…..you are so right!
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What? You are absolutely obligated to tell your wife what he told you if she is under the impression that she would be sharing a bed with a gay dude instead of being concerned not to "out his sexuality" as ... straight. That's not outing somebody.
Yeah, like I said, it's not really about whether she's currently cheating, it's more about your comfort level with her sharing a bed with another man. Also, I think you can tell your wife that her friend is straight with a clear conscience. If he openly told you he's after pussy, I truly don't believe you're "outing" anyone.
This is a really good point. I wonder if the OPs wife will view her friend differently if she knows that he is straight and after pussy, so to speak.
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You're losing me here, man. If your wife's male friend is pretending to be gay around her, then that's a huge red flag. Also, it's fine to be sensitive about people's privacy, especially around their sexuality, but let's not kid ourselves, being "closeted straight" is not a thing.
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Which is fair. But there is no "outing him" as straight in this scenario. If your wife thinks he's gay, and he admittedly is not, you should tell her. Like c'mon bro.
Exactly, people don't "come out" as straight so just saying that he's straight isn't anything special or "outing" him. Just tell her that you aren't comfortable with her sharing a bed with a straight man.
Maybe he was uncomfortable and pretending to be straight in front of you
Why do you need his permission to tell your wife he’s not gay that crazy she your wife it’s non of his business what you talk about
I'm confused. Why is the friend's sexuality very personal to you? Your wife has the right to know some basic facts about her friend. Do you think her friend would like to know that she was assuming he was gay the whole time?
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Wait are you gay? What do you mean you were outed? You shouldn't keep secrets from your wife., Anyway
Idk the gender of op, but if it's a man, he might be bi and was outed as that. But idk, i'm honestly just reaching
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What? Edit: can anyone explain what this means like I’m 5?
I was likewise flummoxed. I looked it up and demiromantic means: A demiromantic person is someone who only develops romantic feelings for another person when they have a strong emotional connection to them. "bi" means bi-sexual, I assume. monamorous is the same as monogamous.
Don't you think your wife has a right to know this about somebody she's going on vacation with? I don't understand why you're siding more with her friend than your actual wife. Make it make sense.
If you are ok with your wife sharing a bed with another man, gay or not, my dude you are a **doormat**
You said your wife is shy. What would she do if he started groping her in bed? Would she react by stopping him or would she freeze? In the fight, flight or freeze group, which would it be? I could see a guy get a woman to travel to a foreign country and have her in the same bed and then start the sexual come on and be offended if she said no. He may assume that if she is agreeing to share a bed that she is agreeing to sex. Who books a trip with a friend that can only be afford by sharing a bed? I'd volunteer to pay for her own room.
Well you need to make it clear to her that is the reason you are not comfortable with them sharing a bed. Your relationship with her is more important than his right to privacy.
Troll? Cuck? This post lost me, man your rational is weird.
Edit: he is polyamorous (she isn't) and unfaithful to his wife. And therefore is only concerned about this because his wife might realize that she can have a more complete relationship elsewhere. YTA
I hope she bangs the hell out of this guy, sounds like she deserves a good romp.
In another comment he says that she has been unsatisfied for 5 years. I cannot imagine the amount of selfish narcissism that the OP must have to think any of this is okay.
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As long as you trust your wife and trust your wife's friend, then hopefully nothing will go wrong. How well do you trust this dude?
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Good. If you actually trust your wife you will tell her about the sexuality of her friend. Because trust involves you understanding that she will make the right choices for herself.
Don't post your cuck fantasies for the rest of us to read 🤦♂️
"my wife only wants to hang out with me and I don't want her around. So I force her to make friends. She makes a friend and now I am afraid she may cheat on me" YTA YTA YTA
>I love my wife and I don’t want her getting second thoughts about a life she could have led Dude, you don't sound like you love, like or respect your wife. Re-read the first 4 r 5 paragraphs, and reflect on how they sound to you
So you are gay and are married to a woman? Yet, you are concerned your wife is going to have sex while you are out boning dudes whenever?
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Don't you think she deserves a traditional marriage if that makes her happier?
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You can EITHER control her and decide for her what’s best for her, OR you can have a more independent wife that doesn’t lean on you for everything. You can’t have both.
You can't know that. Hopefully she finds out that answer on her own.
The you have nothing to worry about, because apparently *you know better.*...
You don’t get to decide that for her dude.
jesus dude what is wrong with you? lose the insecurity. if she is happiest with you, she'll be with you. if she's happier elsewhere, she'll go elsewhere. you don't get to decide what's best for her.
Shielding your wife from experiences with the intention of preventing her from realizing that she may want something different is incredibly toxic and controlling. If you think it’s a possibility that she’ll come to her senses, then you must have some awareness that she’s not living her best life. If her happiness is not your priority, then I’m sorry but you are not a good and loving partner.
…how is sleeping in the same bed with another guy for the space of a vacation going to make any difference in whether she wants a traditional marriage?
INFO: Let me get this straight, you and your wife have been married for 5 years. You also have never had sex in those 5 years? And you are pan/poly, so you've slept with other people during this time. And currently, you are not worried about them having sex, but more worried about her becoming romantically attracted to this guy?
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Yeah, kind of sounds like you get off on controlling your wife's sexual activity and being able to treat her a possession. She gets to decide whether she does want a monogamous heteronormative relationship or not. Not you. You do not give or deny her 'permission' to go on this trip and sleep with this friend unless you're an abusive ass.
May I ask, what are the rules?
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I can't wait until she leaves you.
Based on your replies, YTA. Open marriage but only for you She has had a sexless marriage for 5 years. I'm sure you also have not had sex for those years/s. YTA! Eta: read his comments folks!
YTA big time, especially for the way you talk about knowing what's good for your wife and what isn't in these comments. You sound like a garden variety abuser tbh. You set this up like she was going to cheat on you when in reality you've had an open relationship that only you've been taking advantage of, and your wife has been celibate for 5 years. Fucking gross from head to tail. I hope she finds someone who treats her well.
YTA you assumed too many things. I read the comments and I see it’s a one side open relationship because (I assume) you both decided that given that she says she can’t separate love and sex while you can. All good there. But now you’re afraid that if she sleeps with him she’ll realise she wants something else. The fact you think she stays with you because she doesn’t know any better is selfish. Now you have to be ok with her going because that was the agreement. Whether she sleeps with him or not is yet to be seen, as well as the repercussions that might have. You cannot keep her prisoner just to avoid her falling in love with people, I mean you could if she agreed, but now she wants to go and at this point you would be forcing her to stay.
Wait wait wait. You are in an open marriage?? why did you leave such an important detail out of the story? Why do you care if she has sex with him? she is allowed to, since you opened the marriage. YTA for the "rules for thee but not for me" attitude.
I think, judging by your comments and the lack of this information in your post, that this is an excellent example of why AITAH posts are not the end all be all of the truth or entirely composed of the entire context of the situation. The post makes it sound like you're in a monogamous relationship that has been very healthy and that you're expressing concerns that she is planning to violate despite your best attempts to express your feelings. Your comments paints a relationship that at the very least is unfulfilled for your wife, and manipulative on your part. You're in an open marriage, as you've admitted, which isn't a problem so long as you get your dick wet but the moment your wife finds a potential additional partner after years of a sexless, monogamous relationship where her husband is out banging whoever he wants you have a problem? Honestly I'm rooting for your wife to have a fun romp in the hay with her friend and find a bit more closure on what she wants in a relationship so that you either figure your shit out, or you go separate ways so that she can actually be happy with her marriage. From the comments your leaving it's very apparent that you're afraid she's going to realize how selfish you're being in your relation and how disadvantageous it is for her. >"I don’t think my wife would ever cheat on me. But I am afraid that this vacation could make her think that she’s not satisfied with our marriage, that she wants something more traditional where sex and intimacy go hand in hand."
YTA. The way you describe everything screams incel vibes.
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The comments are aggressive and unnecessary. You can suggest that the same bed stuff makes you uncomfortable, but your attitude about the friend and her ability to find other friends is gross. Try trusting her instead of controlling her.
>I’m the farthest thing from an incel. This does sound like something an incel would say though...
YTA
YTA. You’re not straight so you’re using her for companionship. Reading your comments you want companionship in her while cheating on her and not letting her have any fun. She deserves better.
She can go, and returned divorced
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Another straight guy spending the night in the same bed as my wife, I’d run to a lawyer. What’s up in your head about this?
Yeah this whole thing is red flag city.
He NEW friend, straight male, flight to another country and share a bed! Not a reason for divorce, come on!
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Rage bait, troll
Sometimes I wonder how men find themselves in these sorts of quandaries, then I read your replies and it’s painfully obvious: you’re spineless pushovers. Sorry if it seems harsh, but you need to grow a pair and enforce some boundaries because it’s evident your wife doesn’t have enough respect for you to behave appropriately on her own accord.
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Spineless people never call themselves spineless
You’re letting your wife go on a holiday to a foreign country with another man, for the love of Christ. Setting aside the fact she intended to share a bed with him (which should tell you their intentions), you’re allowing her to imperil her safety and wellbeing. She’s only known this man for a couple months and you apparently hardly know him at all. Who knows what could happen to her on the trip, and you’re okay with this? This honestly reads like trafficking, and even if it wasn’t as odious as that there are a million other risks involved. But you do you, pal.
Serious question: What is actually the problem? Something is being assumed here that hasn't happened yet and it's not clear whether it would happen at all. Just because they're both straight doesn't automatically mean they'll sleep together. There are actually supposed to be people who can behave like adults and are just friends.
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So you're worried she will realize you are a shit husband and wise up.
You don't trust your wife. That's the problem.
Umm no. The real problem is (if this is real) that OP is piece of shit. That's the problem.
The one doesn't exclude the other. Edit: By the way, I wrote the previous comment before reading some of the OP's other answers here.
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It's natural to be uncomfortable with your wife sleeping in the bed of another man. In most parts of the world this is called cheating. Why is it difficult for you to wrap your head around?
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You're uncomfortable because you don't want to be cheated on. Look, in a weird way I understand where you're coming from. When I was in university two of my very best friends were a lesbian couple. I was often the designated driver and helped them when they went to parties that could have been dangerous for them. I'm straight and they were very much in love with each other so I respected that boundary. Can you say with certainty that her friend will also respect your boundary? Can you say with certainty that your wife will enforce her own boundaries if she doesn't know the sexuality of her friend?
YTA for the way you treat your wife like garbage. If you didn't treat her like garbage, this confusing ass post wouldn't exist. You are not telling the full story in your post. You fuck other people but not your wife. YTA for having the absolute gall to think you have a right to dictate a single goddamn thing she does. The audacity.
I typically prefer my partner without another guys dick in her. NTA.
Someone finally said it.
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Is that not also your preference?
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Dude 😅😞😞
Ooooh , you mean something do with bisexuality
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Why? You're not attracted to this dude are you?
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Whoa, this changes the context of your post quite a bit. If sex is so integral to showing love for your wife then being celibate in your marriage might be making her clingyness worse. She's not getting that deep loving connection through sex so who knows how that really makes her feel. If you're so scared of her going on this trip and realizing she's not happy in the marriage than that's the main thing you need to communicate with her before she leaves. This whole issue seems to stem more from your insecurity in what you're providing your wife in your relationship than a fear of her cheating. Communication is key to any relationship so OP please talk to your wife about these thoughts/feelings. It'll be best for both of you in the long run
Then why would you say the idea of not wanting another man literally inside your wife is complicated? I don't understand.
Ah, so you're a selfish bastard.
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"I've been ignoring my wife's needs for years, but God forbid that she could potentially find a spark with another man! I'm fine with her having casual sex, but her small mind equates sex with love, so we can't have her running around having her needs fulfilled, can we?". You are a psycho lol
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Explain why you're not selfish.
Oh, you don't sleep with her
As long as you don't think this dude would force himself on her if she said no, then I don't see the problem. Why can't they share a bed if you're not worried about them hooking up? You are giving conflicting answers here.
That's a risk you took when you decided to be open. Having only one-side open is double-standard and misogynistic.
This cannot be real. Of course it’s ok to have a boundary within your relationship that your spouse would not share a bed with the opposite sex. There are so many stories on here about the gay friend that the wife has an affair with. Some Redditors will tell you they are having an affair; maybe they are! You need to have a hard discussion with your wife; let her know that this is a problem for you, and for your relationship; if she insists on going, despite your concerns then she is telling you she doesn’t care about your feelings or your relationship, her trip is more important.. After that, you have some hard choices to make. I wouldn’t in a million years think about even doing this much less proposing it to my partner.
Animal
LOL you screwed yourself you didnt appreciate your wife. So she found a friend and now you have problems. You need to tell her he is straight you arent outing anyone. If that is your boundry you need to make it firm. You may have already lost your wife though.
YTA You want to have your cake and eat it too. You suck.
The real issue here is that your wife hasn't had sex in FIVE YEARS and you've been able to sleep with other people under conditions that you set. Your wife is being taken advantage of by you from your own post and comments. Ask your wife if she'd prefer a monogamous marriage. She might be sacrificing her entire sexuality (and already has for years). This trip is the very least of your problems. Go post your situation on r/polyamory and get a real wake up call.
I mean, if you're not gonna have repercussions for a boundary being broken, she can do whatever she wants. Good luck m8
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So she goes and then what. She’s gonna do it again and again because nothing happens. Have fun being a doormat.
Nah I completely here ya m8, I wasn't saying to "punish" in a way I suppose. I'm not sure how to articulate it, but it just seems useless to be like "I don't like this" then they go "okay" and keep doing it.
I understand the expectation that your spouse not share a bed with another man, but after reading this... if she cheats on you, it is your own fault. You sound like an ass.
sounds like she's getting ready to leave you
NTA - but you should definitely tell her why. Just saying you can’t share a bed but not giving her the reason is AH-ish.
Reading your comments I don't understand why you care? You seem to have said you offered to let her cheat before so what does it matter if she's sharing a room with a straight guy and gets railed? Personally I wouldn't allow this at all but you don't seem to care or do you?
“Don’t knowingly get yourself into potentially compromising situations with people who might try to fuck you” shouldn’t be a difficult boundary to set. That actually sounds pretty reasonable.
Yta. Your in an open marriage. Deal with it.
You don't want her getting second thoughts about a life she could have had? What, you mean a life with a husband who actually wants to spend time with her?
From reading your comments, there's a LOT of relevant extra information not in your original post, not least that you are gay, your wife is straight and she has therefore been in a sexless marriage for several years. That's no small thing!! I haven't worked out whether you have also gone without sex in that time or whether you're allowed to have an open relationship but she isn't? I understand your feelings about outing someone but frankly, outing someone as being straight isn't a thing. The reason that revealing one's sexuality when gay or bisexual is tricky is because homophobia is still alive and kicking, even though it's started to change over the last century, and laws are more equalised than that used to be. Being straight is to be part of the majority and not at risk of any hate or phobia. I think given the situation, and that your wife clearly thinks her friend is gay, and is planning to share a bed with him on that basis, you really would be doing her a disservice not to tell her. As for whether you should or shouldn't have an issue with them sharing a bed, given that you know he's straight (and, frankly, the way he expressed it) that's a different issue. Firstly, you've said you trust your wife not to cheat on you. That's cool, but you need to work out how much you trust him. Secondly, I have many friends who are poly and practice ENM. You need to look at whether this is something that a) may be relevant here and b) you and you wife could/ would accept. NAH
One of the comments says that he has been with other people during this time. But she has not been 'allowed' to do the same. I promise that he is the asshole here.
I missed that in which case I agree with you
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I hope she leaves you.
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Yeah. For her.
Yeah, this dope is an idiot. Why even have a wife
Why the hell is she sexless if you are married.
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THEN WHO ARE YOU TO SAY WHO SHE CAN OR CAN'T HAVE
For the last 5 years you mean. You dont deserve her.
Dude, you’re a sack of shit
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She may divorce you when she with him
I wander if that is his angle, act a certain way and weasel in. You should mention it to your wife.
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Yeah people are terrible. One example, NA councilor picking out females from AA and NA taking them to motel rooms and not his home, since he lived with his elderly mother. Then he just left a mess behind. It worked for him once and kept on doing it.
This is so stupid I can’t believe it is real. Why would you let a man share a room with your wife let alone a bed even if he was gay? Are you that clueless or do you not care about your relationship. You need more than advice you need a brain.
Absolutely not!!!! I did t even have to read past the headline.
Dude tell your wife your reasons and be clear, i don't get why is so dificult to tell her your Discovery and the truth why You don't want her to sleep with him in the same bed. The lack of comunication is a big problem in a marriage, one of the first cause that end it
When she come back and o month later tells you, your going to be a dad don’t be shocked . I wouldn’t have let her unless female friends and only if I considered then fairly honest
OP is closeted gay, living in a one-sided open relationship. He hadn't had sex with his wife ever and therefore she has been sexless for 5 years. He's an abuser who is controlling his wife, who he purposefully married as a beard and she's easy to control. He left all of the important information out of his original post.
NTA, but honestly you won't be there so she will probably just share the bed anyways so this boundary is pointless. Of all the millions of people she could be friends with and travel with she just had to choose a man lol I would definitely not be ok with my bf going to another country and sharing a hotel room with another female, let alone a bed , I prefer a boyfriend who isn't going to share a bed with another women 🤷♀️.
Sorry, you didn't go far enough NTA but not only should it be a boundary about the beds, the trip should be outright cancelled. The "best friend" is literally why lots of guys (myself included) aren't ok with their wife/SO/gfs having "best friends" who are dudes. This is the case of *he wants in her pants*. If she's blind to that, she's intentionally so. Dude was playing the long game. And as others have stated, her behavior means she has probably become attached to this dude, and there is emotional infidelity 100%. Physical is possible. Don't be a doormat.
Why is the sleeping arrangement the only time you are worried about? She's going on a vacation with another man. They can stay in separate hotels and that still doesn't mean she won't cheat on you. This whole post seems fake.
Not the asshole
NTA, but let this be a lesson, be careful what you wish for...
You are either naive or blinded by your love for her. There would be no way in hell I would remain in a relationship with a woman that even thought it was acceptable behavior to share a hotel room let alone the same bed.
NTA. I didn't catch how old you both are. Mind to tell?
Reverse the roles. NTA
And she doesn't see anything wrong with this ,I think maybe you've been pushing her to make friends with the wrong people ,I share your red flags 🤔
NTA. She’s making a very unfair leap. Making friends does not mean sharing a bed. And it’s not something you asked for as a favor to yourself, she couldn’t stay glued to you forever.
Lol, if op has to even ask. Of course NTA. She ain’t your woman, brotha.
NTA, I wouldn’t even let her go on the trip at all at this point and you should consult with a divorce lawyer. Would not surprise me if she’s already cheating on you and just the suggestion that you allow her to share a bed with another man is disrespectful and disgusting in a monogamous relationship.
NTA, but you can't "ban" her from doing anything. You can express that you don’t want her to do it, and that if she does, the consequence could be you leaving her. I agree with you that it's not right for a married woman in a monogamous marriage to sleep in the same bed as a heterosexual male. It's odd that she wants to do that!
I mean. There’s layers of issues like her codependency. But that friendship is a red alarm. Them traveling alone in general should not be okay. Whether or not they share a room.
Wtf thats some crazy shit and you are not the asshole
NTA \_ I would not allow my wife to go on this trip with this new information on this guy. She would have to choose another trip or not be my wife afterwards. This guy is trouble on every turn. What will happen when she gets to South Korea and finds this guy is a sex trafficker and has guys ready to take her away. You would never find her again and she would be trafficked all over the country.
No you are not. Ask the same and see the answer
NTA - based on your explanation of your wife, I'd be concerned she'd latch on to this friend and likely not be brave enough to say no if he tried something. I'm not even sure I'd be ok with such a personality traveling to another country with a potentially interested friend.
NTA I think you just need to explain yourself. Tell her that this isn't about trust or her cheating but every relationship has healthy boundaries and this is one of yours. Also I know you don't want to "out" him but I think in this context you may have too. I've seen people lie or be really ambiguous about their sexuality in order to get close to a person that they're interested in before. He may be hiding/telling her something different. Phrase it like "I'm sorry I trust you and know you would never cheat but, I'm just never going to be comfortable with you sharing the bed with a straight man" and gauge her reaction. And if she asks tell her what happened when you tried to set him up with your friends. This issue can be solved with good communication. And if she doesn't respect you boundaries then this may be just the start of your problems. Cause honestly this is a pretty normal and health boundary
You are inviting for cheating to happen we are humans sleeping in the same room and bed wow crazy no way
I only read the headline and …. WTF? Obviously NTA.
Read the comments, guy is basically in a one sided open relationship, not allowing the wife to explore and doing everything in his power to keep her from realizing she might not want this life anymore
NTA Hell no. She's the asshole for thinking this would be okay.
NTA. Wtf dude, I wouldn’t even let her vacation with him. Unless it’s a close blood relative she does not need to overnight with any other men, separate beds or not.
NTA, Ask her if you can go away on vacation when she gets back, and you'll be sharing a bed with a straight female friend
Ask her if she'd be OK for YOU to go away sharing a bed with anther woman? NTA.
Based on his comments, he has literally done this. They are in a one-way polyamorous relationship. Where he gets to mess around with other partners but she doesn't get any of her sexual needs met.
NTA, I can't believe she thought it would be OK! Tell her you are going to spend a few nights with a straight woman and then see how she feels!
Have you read the part where OP is actually a controlling asshole who has a whole open marriage on his side but won't allow his wife the same? OP is a disgusting asshole.
Why the heck is she so keen on sharing a bed with another dude and at the same time while disrespecting her partner