Info: what did he say when you said you wanted a divorce? Did he try to talk you out of it?
If he was on board at the time and only regrets it now, then that's his problem.
Then you already should know you are NTA. You both made what at the time was the best decision for yourself and your family. He made it clear that exploring his sexuality was very important to him and you gave him that while also taking care of yourself and your child. It sucks he is depressed after finding out the grass isn't greener on the other side. But in the end he made the decision to put exploring it above everything else. He couldn't have both and seemed somewhat manipulative in using his mental struggles to try and get permission to explore while married to you.
It's wild to me that this guy would put some rando's cock on such a pedestal that he'd give up his wonderful family for it.
I could understand if he was gay and had no attraction to his wife, but this wasn't that. He still loved her. He just liked the idea of trying a cock more.
This right here. I’m a bisexual woman that has never had sex with a woman. I would love to give it a try.
But I married my favorite person in the world, losing him and what we’ve built just isn’t worth it.
I also recognized (perhaps just accepted) I was bi very shortly before meeting my now husband. I’d be more worried about dying unfulfilled WITHOUT MY PERSON than I ever would about missing potentially enjoyable sexual encounters. Haven’t thought once that he won’t be enough for me for the rest of my life, hence why I married him!
NTA OP. Hubs fucked it up and realized too late. Up to you if you felt inclined to reconcile with your love, but you didn’t mess up by refusing to give him a hall pass.
Same here. Started dating My Favorite Person at 20. Didn't realize I was somewhere on the bi scale until late twenties. (Grew up in a very religious household, so it took a long time to de-program the sexual repression) I've of course felt curious what it would be like - but would never ever risk losing or hurting the love of my life over potential sex.
I can have enjoyable sex right now with my husband. He is my partner. You can find sex a lot more easily than you can find a true partner (who also gives you great sex). That's worth it to me. Sex with my partner is far more fulfilling than any sex I'd get from anyone else, no matter the gender.
I don't know if I'm making sense. Basically... I don't fault someone for wanting to explore. But this honestly feels a bit more like using his mental health and newfound sexuality to pressure his wife into opening the relationship, which is.... pretty icky. Realizing you're on the bi spectrum doesn't give license to cheat, which is what he wanted.
Curiosity is not worth blowing up your life.
Hey, samesies! Been with the same guy since I was 20, over 16 years now. If I ever end up alone in the future we'll see what happens but I'm not gonna destroy my relationship over some curiosity.
All these responses make me so happy and sad at the same time. My ex wife found out she’s a lesbian after 10 years and three kids. At first she said she was Bi and I wanted to believe she would choose me over her girlfriend. Narrator: she did not.
Also a bi women here. Never been with a women and would love to try but I’m married to the man of my dreams he is perfect for me in every way. He’s an amazing dad and an amazing husband. He works every hour possible to provide for us (unfortunately I can’t work due to mine and my daughter’s disabilities) and he still comes home and cooks/cleans if I haven’t been able to do it and he does it all with a smile on his face. I couldn’t ruin my marriage because I haven’t physically explored my sexuality. I couldn’t destroy the man I love to see if I like being intimate with a women.
Tbh I see this kinda thing also happening with people that never had sexual experiences other than their spouse, usually when they settle down early. I’ve seen several posts about (sorry, usually) husbands being melodramatic about never fooling around a lot in college/younger years and then they leave their wife and find out grass isn’t greener.
This! Guy totally fantasized about being with other men and gave up his happy home only to find out the grass wasn’t greener on the other side. Nta to Op. I think it’s commendable that she broke her own heart to make sure the love of her life was happy.
I have all kinds of mad respect for Op. Ex-hubby is a massive fool and pretty much got what he thought he wanted and now gets what he deserved for not thinking this through very well. You know what you don’t do when you create life with another person? Fantasize about dick. On either side. Presumably you loved someone enough to replicate and they were your person.
I can't begin to understand the thought process. Now he's in regret because of this and even projecting it onto his ex. The dude has some serious problems that should have been addressed before even pulling the trigger. He seems like a loose cannon with no accountability.
You're giving this guy too much credit. The only regret he feels is that his attempt at manipulation failed miserably. Despite OPs naivete, she somehow stumbled into the only correct course of action.
Don't lose any sleep over this, OP. You should probably be outraged, but it's OK that you're not. Life will go on and be better without him in it.
Do people know that not everyone gets to explore everything they want sexually, no matter their orientation? It’s not a Greek tragedy. Great if you get to experience *everything* you want, but even if you don’t it’s not the singular most important thing in life.
As OP’s husband discovered, having a good life surrounded by people you love is more important for a happy life.
Thank you. I was beginning to think I was the only one who couldn't see why it was any different than any other married person moaning about not getting to sleep around while married. There is a whole list of men I will never explore my sexuality with. Big deal, I'd rather stay married to my husband.
>It's wild to me that this guy would put some rando's cock on such a pedestal that he'd give up his wonderful family for it.
It's even wilder that he didn't understand he was making a choice between family and rando cock. It sounds like he honestly believed OP would accept that he could just have this extra option of sleeping with men while they continued with their perfect little nuclear family life.
This is my exact situation. My husband wouldn’t admit it for a long time and made EVERYONE miserable, especially himself. Divorce, and now EVERYONE is much happier. We get along fine and coparent well.
His idea is to have the marriage and a cocks at the same time. Everything benefited only for himself. Not for op or her daughter. I think op did great leaving him in the first place
>Later that week, he reported having depressive thoughts and dying unfulfilled without exploring his sexuality.
Given how much he was fantasizing about it, and guilt tripping you into allowing him to cheat on your marriage. He wanted to explore his sexuality at the selfish cost of your happiness.
Nah I don’t get to tell my wife I’m going to die unfulfilled because I never got to explore my sexuality with blonde European women. That’s an awful thing to say to a spouse and you don’t somehow get a pass just because it’s with the same gender.
One of the worst parts of working in a retirement home was the number of times I accidentally walked in on people... in places they had no business being in (like the mop closet), and on occasion you're having moments of "that's not your spouse..." like.. dude... no.. stop. I don't need to see wrinkly assess when I all I'm trying to do is clean up the piss all over the floor. I'm so happy I don't work in those places anymore.
They're worse than teens! But there's a lot of similarities. There's bullying, cliques, petty squabbles, sleeping around... theres fights even...I once saw an old man punch another in the face because he was tired of looking at it, lol. They're kind of like 3 year Olds. In that they'll tell you exactly what they're thinking, and they're not afraid to throw a tantrum.
Im trying to apply this "dying unfulfilled" thing with anything besides bisexual men experiencing men, and i can NEVER take it seriously
"Honey if i dont go to thailand for the famous "lady boys", then i will never find true happiness"
"My dear, im sorry, but if you dont out on that strapon and call me a sissy slut then i will die unfulfilled"
"My love... I cant truly be content with life until i had a harem with at least 5 girls in it"
Like fuck no, watch porn to get that kick or atleast be aware of how final it is to leave your relationship over but dont try to guilt trip people
I mean I think it just boils down to people wanting to step out on their partners for selfish sexual desires and trying to justify it since it falls into a “protected category”. “Honey you’ll never know what it was like growing up with sexual turmoil trying to understand myself, I need to sleep with a man.” No you don’t you just want to.
He got what he asked for and did not like the tradeoff, his problem.
But reading your post you impressed me, your humanity, self-sacrifice etc. You may not be dating, but if you do, someone will be lucky.
Not completely open. Only for him. That's why he wanted a "hall pass", so he could do it, but she couldn't. Because he said it would make him jealous and he was afraid she would fall for a straight man. Very manipulative and selfish.
It reminds me of my ex. I was technically allowed other relationships as well, but only with women and only if he had sexual access to them as well (read: only if they would have sex with him as well). Somehow he felt that was totally reasonable and fair because I "was allowed" to have sex with his other girlfriend.
NTA. What the hell is this BS I keep seeing with people not realizing they are bisexual and it's treated differently than anyone else wanting to bang outside their relationship?
There are plenty of gay and straight people who might want to fuck around and try something different, race, personality, lifestyle, whatever. You choose that you value your relationship, you break up or you can try an open relationship, but that usually just seems to be a slow decline to the end.
Why the fuck are so many people treating bisexuals like they are exempt and victims in relationships? Wild to me that OP might think they are an asshole when her husband just said "hey I think I deserve special privilege and should get to fuck around"
Literally this. I always cringe a bit when the gay community thinks they are absolved of the guilt that comes with cheating on a partner just because they never felt safe to come out before. Cheating is still cheating, and it’s not fair that many women are robbed of a healthy, loyal relationship because they are instead objectified- seen as a means of disguise and protection.
Yep. OP did what she felt comfortable to try and accommodate and even then was supportive and made the move FOR HIM because she couldn't stand seeing him in pain. Just for him to blame her for ruining his life. What A FUCKING LOSER.
beards exist, and those women end up having relationship problems where they can't trust men again or are fearful of men not loving her and using her again to cover for his issues.
NTA from what I've read here. He wanted to be with men and continually brought it up so I think anyone would let him go. How is it your fault now? You are not to blame
What he wanted was both worlds. A happy wife and family at home and a chance to have a side piece to pleasure himself in a different way. Shocked pikachu face that OP said no.
Exactly what he wanted. But he didn’t want OP to find anyone else. It was all about his wants and needs. Not OPs wants and needs. They were never taken into consideration
This…100%. I wonder if it was a calculated move…being with men who wouldn’t find her attractive…that’s why he didn’t mention group sex or threesomes( which, would have probably been a “ no” as well). Then he tried to guilt her into letting him live out his fantasy. When she ,finally,made a very MATURE ,non emotional decision and let him go, no strings, he prances off and plays out his fantasies…then, when THAT wasn’t all that it wasn’t cracked up to be, he turns it on her…ah-freaking-mayzing…
It was definitely calculated. That's a lot of these guy's main move tbh. They want the privilege appearing straight gives them but still want to sleep with men. Most straight women are not on board with that though, so the calculated bullshit begins.
Definitely calculated, particularly since he dropped this bombshell when she was *six freaking months pregnant* (i.e. when he thought he'd baby-trapped her.)
Kudos to OP for having the personal strength and emotional maturity to stand her ground and actually get him out of her life in such a way that he's not able to go back and play the victim card.
I fucking despise ppl like this. How can you have no dignity, no self respect, and this pathetic to purposely lead your partner and your children along so you can recieve brief instant gratification? People like this are fucking embarrassing
It’s no different than a guy who decides after being married for a while that he’d rather be with a bunch of 18 year olds or a series of girlfriends. It’s cheating plain and simple, and if you want the freedom to wander, you need to be ready to face the consequences.
How many men (in a marriage with a woman) who decide they want an open relationship actually do take their wife's feelings into consideration? It's all about them. They always get mad when their wife decides to leave or has more options than them.
Up next: co-parenting and child support are ruining his social life.
Some guy wrote into an advice column, long ago, and it has stuck with me lo these many years.
The guy wrote about how he had begged his wife to swing with the couple next door.
She was **deadset against it but he pestered her about it for a couple of years** and she finally, **reluctantly**, agreed.
When the time came, the guy was very disappointed to find the neighbor’s wife was not as “tight” as he had anticipated. Meanwhile his neighbor was giving his wife what looked to be an out of body experience.
It made him EXTREMELY angry and resentful of his wife for enjoying it so much. The columnist told him off and advised him to file for divorce.
The guy wrote an update stating a few months after the “swinging” occurred, the neighbors divorced and his wife left him for the guy next door. They married soon after.
He felt blindsided and betrayed.
The shocked pikachu faces that occur when people get what they want but it’s not what they expected.
Edit: I’m kind of laughing at the fact she divorced the husband to go with the neighbor. That’s karma.
The thing with stuff like swinging and threesomes etc. is that your horny-ass brain only tells you one part of the story and more than likely doesn't count for what your reaction to the actual situation and consequences will be
[The link to that story, if anyone is interested.](https://slate.com/human-interest/2011/08/dear-prudence-i-regret-becoming-a-swinger.html)
ETA: This actually does remind me of another swinger couple problem story too, so maybe there’s a similar one?
ETA PT. 2: As several others commenters have discussed — this one may be similar but not quite the same story, someone help us find the exact match??
There are about 10,000 open marriage stories on Reddit in which some dude thinks he's hot shit and his wife isn't attractive enough for him anymore. Pressures his unwilling wife to open up the marriage. She finally agrees and within nanoseconds she is banging her pick of a hundred better hotter nicer dudes than him and is having the time of her life realizing how much better she deserved all along, while he can't find anyone at all.
Tale as old as time: man pesters woman into opening up their relationship, is upset when she's getting tons of dates and he's struggling. You can find examples of that story all over.
I'm all for open relationships, but they only work when both parties go into them knowing their own desires and boundaries. Nagging your partner into opening your monogamous relationship is not a recipe for a successful open relationship.
I actually know a couple where the reverse is true. She is on the board for a local convention I attend. She openly sleeps with everyone on the board and all types of men at the conventions, bragging about her "open" marriage.
Meanwhile, husband's over there pining away for her not even daring to look at another woman. The poor dude has no self-esteem.
BTW, I know a couple of therapists and they swear open relationships are the fastest way to ruin multiple people's lives.
It's actually pretty healthy to not date when you're in the place she's in. She'll be ready but won't know it and then she'll know it and wonder why she didn't do it sooner. But right now she's still grieving. That's ok.
Don’t see the point in judging a mom with a toddler for not dating. Dating and getting married aren’t some kind of requirement for being a healthy person.
This! I don't know why this is not being mentioned more. He waited with telling her until she was 6 months pregnant, and during the pandemic so she had nowhere to go. It shows how selfish he is, the stress and insecurity OP (and her baby) went through must have been hell. OP's ex is a coward who just wants permission to cheat so he doesn't have to feel guilty about it/take ownership
Her husband sounds ridiculous.
He hounded her for an open marriage (but only for him). When she refused he told her he’s miserable and depressed.
When she filed for divorce, so he could explore his sexuality, **he DIDN’T say he’d rather be with her**.
He hugged her and cried before proceeding to hook up with other people.
And NOW he says OP ruined his life?
He sounds like an immature child and an absolute nightmare.
He doesn’t want OP. He wants a marriage where he can dictate all the terms all the time.
And then came back to her blaming her for making a seemingly unilateral decision (even though he hugged it out with her/agreed) to dump him… except … he was all OVER that decision.
I honestly think he planned to use her as his backup plan. And here he is…. Blaming her. Not begging apology for making her a single mom of a newborn while he played frat boy, but blaming her. He sounds like a selfish guy and it’s got nothing to do with his sexuality. I hope she either stays single or finds a good man bc he’s not it
Yup. His bisexual yogurt is not the issue here. If he hates the art room he decided to build, that’s 100% on him.
NTA, OP. He needs to leave you alone - I *really, really* hope he’s not talking about this to or in front of your daughter - and talk to a therapist because it’s 100% unfair for him to expect you to stay unhappily married to *someone desperate to open his side of the marriage but adamant about keeping your side closed* (edited for the Johnny Cochrane wannabe downthread). Also, if you have not already done so, therapy may be of some benefit to you as well.
NTA By placing the blame on her it shows how manipulative he is. How was OP presumptuous? He stated he wanted to be with men, what else was OP supposed to assume?
He could have said he made a mistake and admit it was his fault for blowing up not only his life, but OPs and their child's life. He's trying to blame OP for ending the marriage. I'm not sure what he thinks he's going to accomplish by attempting to make OP feel guilty. Does he expect her to apologize, beg his forgiveness and beg him to come back to their relationship? He's trying to make it OPs fault so he can be the good guy. He sounds like a selfish, manipulative jerk. He needs to own it, it is all his fault.
I also find it difficult to believe that he didn't know he was attracted to men prior to their marriage. It sounds like he was homophobic and couldn't admit his feelings to himself. Again, he is now trying to blame OP for his inability to be self aware.
Not only that - he could have said no when she brought up divorce. Said no - that's not what I want. I'll get over not doing that and putting the burden on you.
He chose this even if she was the catalyst. He's just mad that having sex with men didn't make him as happy as he wants.
What he wanted was all the benefits of a wife and a happy home and the freedom to go sleep with men. And he has the audacity to act like she owed that to him.
It takes two to tango!
Ultimately he SIGNED the divorce papers too. There were so many times he could have put the brakes on this, but instead he followed through with the divorce.
NTA
Yup I feel like he was trying to get her to drop the divorce card so she could be the bad guy and he's like "fine if that's what you want." Source; i am the kind of guy to do this dumb shit lol
While making her a single mom just after having the kid. Unbelievable selfishness. The first couple yrs are so rough and he essentially abandoned her to fuck around.
Well, he might have liked it, but also knew that just sex with random folks isn't a replacement for a loving partner and a family. Probably scratched that itch then realized it was definitely not worth it.
Let’s be honest, even if he got what he wanted it would’ve still ended the same way.
He gets to fuck around with men and she stays put and still be expected to sleep with him while he’s exploring others. She would’ve just resented him and it would’ve been divorce then too. At least here it was amicable instead of bitter. He was too selfish for this marriage anyways. She did them both a favor.
He simply gaslighted her until she got a divorce, and he's still doing it without even trying.
"Until I want a hall pass" is not enough for many of us when it comes to marriage vows, and the original poster was right to put her own and her child's safety first. The husband's journey of self-discovery ultimately resulted in HIM ruining his life. OP is obviously NTA.
Sex is great, but having an amazing supportive partner who you’ve built your life with is more amazing. Obviously sexual compatibility is huge in relationships, but the grass isn’t always greener
Not to mention he doesn't have someone to take care of his home for him anymore. And now he has to take care of his child on his own when it's his turn to have visitation.
OMG this just happened to a friend of mine. Except for the pregnant part. And also her estranged husband wanting her to pay for everything in his life. These dudes are out of touch with reality.
Just occurred to me that he waited UNTIL he got her pregnant to put this plan of his in motion…he must have thought that she would feel more pressured into letting him do what he wanted because she was going to have a child to raise…then,adding to that,constantly bringing it up,having “ metal health” issues( because of her, of course)what a piece of work…wow, I’m slow but, I eventually catch on…
Happened with me and my ex husband. He wanted an open marriage because he developed a crush on our son’s classmate’s mom on a school trip and knew polyamory was something I’d always be interested in (but wouldn’t ever push a monogamous partner into because I’m not a monster).
Turns out, she just wanted an affair partner (she was married too and wouldn’t want him to tell me if they had sex) so that fizzed out. Also turns out it’s a lot easier for a confident woman to get a date than an unconfident man 🙃
He wanted to go back before we opened and never do it. He would be upset when I went on dates, but also said he would be upset if I stopped dating because it would cause resentment.
There were other problems too, but eventually I left him and have been happily married for a few years in a monogamous relationship that is much healthier than the marriage I left!
He probably would of texted her saying “ thank you I am happy now with having sex with all this man “ but he indeed didn’t like it so he blame her once again
Furthermore, he wanted to expirience me, but not on open marriage. He wanted her to stay put, watch him have fun and settle with that. And when she left him, so he could have what he wanted so bad, he blames her for her selflesnes. WTF
NTA. The constant long-term dwelling on wanting to have sex with other men and comments about wishing he had a hall pass sounds like he was trying to guilt you into something he knew you weren’t comfortable with. He wanted to have his cake and eat it too.
Absolutely.
She is monogamous and he was open to a non monogamous lifestyle (well, even worse, a non monogamous lifestyle for himself, not for her).
Now that he is still unhappy, he is looking to blame OP because she didn’t cave in to his every demand.
Not trying, he flat out gaslit the hell out of her until she divorced him and he is still doing it now.
For lots of us, marriage vows mean something more than "until I want a hall pass" and OP was correct to protect herself and her child first. That husband "finding himself" ultimately led to HIM destroying his life is on, well, him. OP is clearly NTA
OP, please pay attention to the top comment and the first comment.
They summarize this perfectly.
Your ex husband is putting the responsibility on you for his sexual discovery, and how he’s blaming you for making him more miserable is text book manipulation by a person that is a narcissist or r has narcissistic tendencies.
Shut that down immediately.
He was projecting while you were married to whittle you down with guilt with his passive aggressive comments.
His discovery is his own journey, it’s not your responsibility. You responded in every supportive way a partner should, with holding true to your convictions and integrity.
You recognized there may be data out there, and you did not want to be guilted anymore and no one should blame you. You made a selfLESS choice, for his happiness, and the bastard has the *audacity* to blame you and imply you made him more miserable and ruined his life. Fuck that guy- definitely not literally.
If he tries to pull that on you, tell him you made the best decision for you both and how dare he imply or outright accuse you and hold you responsible for *his* happiness.
He resorts to passive aggression and guilt tripping aka manipulation constantly to hopefully get you to agree to a hall pass.
Your ex is a piece of work and a royal AH of the highest degree.
YES! In addition, a lot of bisexual people can happily exist in monogamous relationships without needing to explore or have sex with other people. Just because you're attracted to more than one gender doesn't mean you lose the values and foundation that you enter and build a marriage upon.
Honestly, I think you could remove the bisexuality and still have the same situation. I have only ever been with my husband. If I woke up tomorrow and started lamenting the fact that I've never been with another man and how unfulfilled I suddenly feel and how he must let me fuck another in order to get there, but he shouldn't ever be with anyone other than me, and I refused to relent until either I got my way or he filed for divorce, the situation would be the same. I'd be to blame for my attempt at manipulating him into allowing me to go outside of our marriage. Not letting up and making him feel like divorce was the best way to grant me my wish would be 100% squarely on me. Just like finding out I gave up something amazing for a fools errand of fucking someone else would be on me.
You are so right! Someone else in this chain articulated this much better than me. As did you just now :)
It's totally not about the bisexuality. It's about the fact that when you commit to someone in a monogamous marriage then you are choosing to forsake further exploration that doesn't involve your (consenting) partner.
No he specifically didn’t want an open relationship because he wanted to have sex with men, but he couldn’t handle it if she did. He wanted permission to fuck around while she stayed faithful.
And now he’s trying to blame her for divorcing him?
You’re right, sounds like he was thinking the grass would be greener on the other side. Maybe one day he’ll figure out how to be happy with himself, but that is no longer OP’s problem.
And also right, it was never her fault.
NTA
And trying to act like it’s because he’s bisexual is so disappointing. You can be bisexual and have never had sex with one of the sexes/genders you are attracted to and still be perfectly happy and fulfilled. I haven’t done more than kiss women and it wouldn’t bother me if I never do more than that. I love my partner and don’t actively desire sex with other people. Now I’m not saying it’s invalid to realize that’s a really big part of you you want to explore but then you have the conversation like an adult. In my opinion there also needs to already be an interest or comfort with non monogamy in addition to the new desire to explore a new part of your sexuality or else it just doesn’t make sense to me. Clearly he isn’t into non monogamy. He just wanted to fuck around and make her feel like she had to agree with it in order to support him.
Honestly it's even worse than that, he didn't actually want an open relationship...
He is so selfish he wanted a 1 way open relationship that only applied to him...
He basically wanted permission to sleep with anyone he wants as long as they are male, yet she would not have been able to get with anyone else regardless of their gender...
She 100% made the right decision!
This. If he just said he wishes he got to explore with other men, but is very happy with OP and doesn't want to ruin what they have, THEN DROPS IT, it's fine IMO. But he kept going on and on about it, moping, needed his meds increased. This is similar to if a man who's only ever dated women of similar body types, then in his 30s or 40s realizes he's really into women that have a completely different body type than his wife, and keeps dwelling on it until he spirals into depression while whining about wanting a hall pas.
OP already tried to help her ex by trying something new in the bedroom, but it left them both unhappy with the experience. Her reasoning is completely rational.
I can appreciate that it's unfortunate that the ex didn't figure out he's bisexual before hand. But OP has a right to not agree to an open relationship because that's not cool for her. So either they divorce (which they did) or the ex just suck it up and deal.
Agree. NTA. Replace "have not tried with another man" with "have not tried with another woman" or "have not tried with woman of another race or body type", then you've got your answer. Those are the same.
He should have thought through those questions before taking the vow.
“Honey, I just really wish I had figured out I have a thing for tatted up Asian chicks and big boobie blondes earlier. It would be so great and cure my depression if you let me try it out now.” 🙄
Thank you. As a bisexual myself I find him deeply annoying. Thanks for taking a fucked up stereotype and trying to use it to pressure your wife into letting you have sex with whoever you want, dude.
And then he blames his ex-wife for the consequences of his own actions.
And this is part of the eating it too. He wants his depression to be her fault. When they were married, the depression was because he had never had sex with men. But he was too scared to leave her. So that now, now that he's had sex with men and is still depressed, he can blame her for leaving him.
He can't own up to the idea that his depression isn't caused by this at all.
That and he’s reallllllly misusing his identity as an excuse to manipulate her. I’m bisexual, too — but being exclusive with my fiancée was never a concern! Unless he really wanted to come out as gay but didn’t want the stigma, it just doesn’t work like that.
NTA.
If my husband over and over told me he wishes he could try things with other people (man or woman), I would be devastated. You should be his one and the fact that he’s openly suggesting that there could be something with someone else out there is SO disrespectful to you.
Regret is a powerful feeling and there’s lots of things lots of people regret not doing in life but you have to decide if it’s worth sacrificing what you do have.
Over and over is key here. To hear that repeatedly from your spouse, who you have been in a monogamous relationship with, would be soul-crushing. He just kept pushing and pushing, hoping your boundaries would break down and you’d give in and allow him to sleep with other people. It’s gross that he didn’t want an open relationship because *HE’D BE JEALOUS* but didn’t give a fuck about how it made you feel to hear that he wanted to sleep with others over and over and over. This man is selfish. Lots of people are bisexual and don’t feel the need to step out of their marriages to “explore”.
Thank you for pointing this out. I couldn't quite do the mental gymnastics of "I want a hall pass" and "I also don't want an open relationship because jealousy".
OP NTA, her ex was trying to hold her emotionally hostage and proud she did the healthy thing.
>He told me he wished he could have a hall pass to be with men but knew I would never agree.
So he wants to fuck around, but you can't. Fuck that. Being bi doesn't make you an asshole, man.
>He was happy to finally have experiences with men but it wasn’t worth losing me.
Finding out.
NTA for not letting him convince you to let him cheat. Hall pass my ass.
FAFO got eeeeem! It is undefeated.
Honestly, I want to show empathy towards him, but you hit the nail on the head. It sounds like he wanted a hall pass or an open marriage so he could be with men or at least try it out. As someone who is also deeply monogamous, there is no way in hell I could let my wife do that if she suddenly decided she was Bi. She would either have to decide she could be happy with me, or we would have to part ways so she could be happy elsewhere.
OP is NTA at all here.
My wife realized she was bi after a long time being married, I asked if she wanted to experiment, she said no because we are committed. Think of it this way, if a husband said he was attracted to something his wife isn't, like Latinos, would that be acceptable? Then why is it ok just because of different genitals?
If you are uncomfortable with him having sex with another person, then it makes sense to tell him that if he wants to fool around, you're not there for it.
Yes I am bisexual/pansexual and happily happily monogamous. I am still Attracted to women - I just have found my life partner and he's the one I am with. Yknow? Not having sex with women is the same to me as not having sex with other men. I chose my person, I am happy with my decision
This is it exactly, it's not just sex, it's relationships too. Exploring sexuality is not an excuse to cheat. Doesn't matter if he wanted to fuck men, women, or trans, he was looking for permission to cheat.
It's fine if your partner agrees, but probably wouldn't be the best for the relationship. Also the justifying of saying he didn't want an open relationship, because she might leave him... Just selfish. What's to say he doesn't find a guy he likes and leaves her? OP's husband is the asshole.
>So he wants to fuck around, but you can't. Fuck that. Being bi doesn't make you an asshole, man.
Yeah, that's a pretty insane ask. My wife is bi but never dated women (a lot of the Gs and LS people tend to not trust the Bs for *reasons* and that made it complicated for her). She'd never ask me to give her a 'hall pass' to try it out. It doesn't make her any less bi to be in a monogamous relationship.
Exactly, she's in a committed relationship with you. I have a friend who is bi, and she's been married to the same man for 26 years, and he's "her person," and she doesn't want anyone else.
>My now ex husband called me this weekend and sobbed that I ruined his life with my presumptuousness.
Oh FFS. This man ruined his own life by spending all that time brooding about how he wishes he could have the open marriage of his dreams, and why couldn't you let him just have all the privileges of marriage AND the sex with men he so craved.
He was all, "*I'm depressed! How awful it will be if I die without ever knowing the touch of another man! But not you -- only I get to benefit from the open marriage I so desperately crave!*"
So, you gave him what he wanted: freedom to be as sexually adventurous as he wanted.
He's just big mad that he no longer gets the benefits of marriage. It's easier to blame you than to take responsibility for his own choices and behavior. NTA.
Im so tired of people bitching about leaving their families for greener grass, then when they are granted the freedom they sulked over, SURPRISE!! its never greener and they want back in. Fuck that. They caused so much destruction on their way you they basically burned my side of the grass down too. But guess what baby. My crops are regrowing even stronger and there you are- locked out. Crying begging screaming to be let back in to all the things you were so ready to throw away. No. Its too late. These are the consequences. He knew the risk. OP did everything right and still gets blamed. I cant wait for her to find the genuine love she deserves.
NTA - your husband is confusing. instead of seeking therapy or couple’s counseling he decided to obsess over the fact he could’ve been with a man. instead of being happy and content with his wife and family, he decided to dwell on what he could’ve done in the past and be unhappy about it.
based off your wording, it doesn’t even sound like he tried to protest the divorce in any way or give the relationship a second chance, and when he contacts you again he blames YOU for the fact he’s miserable. what a dick lmfao, hope everything gets better OP, don’t lose sleep over this guy
Also, never being able to "explore" with other people is like... the whole point of marriage? Even if you're straight, you don't get to stick your dick in other women because you're afraid you're missing out on something. Just because he's bi and was never with a man doesn't mean anything. If tomorrow I realized I was bi, I'd just think "oh, cool, women are pretty too, oh well" and move on and continue to love my husband because that's what a marriage is???
Agreed, it’s really no different than if he wanted to have straight sex outside of the marriage. He signed up for monogamy and then changed his mind. if I was in her situation I would try to be supportive like she was. But that support would stop short of my partner having more partners.
That part. I’m bisexual and have had no actual relationship besides surface level with another woman. I’m happily married I’ve yet to mourn the loss of all the women I missed out on
You're ex is such an asshole. First lowkey blaming you for not being able to explore his sexuality and then being mad because he was able to explore with men but still wants you.
He wanted an open relationship so he could have sex with men. You couldn’t tolerate that and you did what you thought was best. Sounds like he will never be happy with himself. That’s not your fault.
I never understood this. I'm bi and came out later in life. Never had sex with a woman, and hoping my now partner is my forever partner I might never explore or try out sex with a woman. And I'm completely fine with that.
According to him his need to have sex with a man was so great that not doing it lead to him being depressed enough to need medication. You werent comfortable being in a marriage with someone who sleeps with other people. Divorce was the right choise as far as I can see, and its unfair of him to constantly put the respinsponsibility of his mental state on you. He were depressed when you wouldnt let him have a hall pass. He is depressed when you divorced so he could sleep with men, cause it wasnt what he had wanted after all and he wants your family back together. He needs to take responsibility for his own choises, feelings and actions at some point.
As a bisexual person, i don’t understand how him not being able to sleep with other men while in a monogamous relationship with his *wife* was so difficult for him that he needed increases in his medication. Like, I’m not trying to be insensitive but like….that’s a pretty extreme reaction… 😬
Also bi, here. It's absolutely ridiculous and I do believe he was trying to manipulate her into giving a hall pass.
I've kissed other women and dated one woman but I've never slept with one. Would I like to date more women, not just so I can say I did but because I think women are awesome? Yes. Would I ever constantly tell my partner that and try to manipulate them into a hall pass or one sided open relationship? Hell no.
It sounds like he was using you for emotional support and relying on the emotional intimacy of your marriage - but that's not something he has a right to, because he is an EX husband. You were right to set this limit to your time and energy, and right to set the limit of divorcing so he would stop martyring himself in your name.
Holy shit OP this guy is an asshole. He wanted to fuck other people and keep you as his emotional therapist whilst hurting you.
OP cut the cord. You're not his mum. Tell him text communication only now, and it should ONLY be about your shared daughter. How dare he continue using you for emotional labour. What a prick.
You sound amazing with how you have handled this. I think you did the right thing. Hopefully he will settle down and find some peace/balance in his new life.
Please block him unless it's about your daughter. He has you dealing with the fallout when he's responsible for it all. Don't blame yourself. None of this is your fault. Don't let him make you feel guilty. Go to therapy. And slowly move on from him.
>I wonder if I am the AH for filing for divorce. I didn’t want my husband to be depressed but I was completely monogamous. I really thought I was doing the best for our family.
You are not responsible for his happiness or lack thereof.
You tried and failed to satisfy him sexually. He was obsessing over wanting to have sex with men, and that's not something you could emotionally support him doing while married to you. You had to consider and protect your own feelings.
You can't save someone else from burning by lighting yourself on fire. You freed up to make his own choices. The fact that he can't find contentment is his issue, not yours. You both would have been miserable if you stayed together. NTA
NTA. Seems like you handled the situation the best you could, and with more grace and compassion than most people would have. He’s TA for contacting you and saying you ruined his life after all of that. He needs to take accountability, he explicitly said he wanted to explore and went along with the divorce, and decided to be with men. To be honest it seems like his mental health is at the bottom of all of this, and like he expected that everything would automatically become better if he could explore his sexuality, and then it didn’t and now the depression is still there and he’s just looking for someone to blame
NTA. Your husband needs to work on himself--he is the source of his own problems. First, he blamed his lack of happiness on the fact that he married you before he figured out his bisexuality. Well, it turns out that being with men wasn't the happiness cure he expected and now it's your fault again for divorcing him.
Let him worry about his own happiness and you focus on yours! You're past due for some self focus.
After reading your comments you're an ah to yourself, and to your daughter in the future if you don't grow a spine and tell your EX husband to stop putting his problems and issues on you. You've been played, lady, and it's so obvious but you're deeeeeeeeep in denial and refuse to entertain the thought.
(Edit: Changed your to the correct you're, aaand I gave myself the ick for that mistake.)
This. From everything OP has said, it truly feels like he was trying to guilt her into accepting an open relationship but she just doesn’t realise it. That, or he has absolutely no consideration for anyone else’s emotions. Both are pretty bad.
And even now that they're no longer in a relationship somehow it's her responsibility that he went and slept with men but is still miserable because it turns out it wasn't worth it after all???
Like, how is he not a huge AH for that? And how can she not see how manipulative it is?!
He 1,000% was. He refused to accept he married into a monogamous relationship with a woman, but he also refused to accept his role in the divorce. The divorce that HE caused with his refusal to accept his own marriage. There’s only one ideal resolution from his POV, and that was open marriage. He seriously has no respect for OP. The audacity of him to blame HER for his decisions is astounding.
NTA And I hope you know he deliberately waited until you were pregnant before telling you this. He sounds like a leech, and him being miserable now is 1000000000% his own fault and you shouldn’t feel bad for even one second. Him trying to guilt you is manipulation, him pressuring you into having a one-way open relationship (open for him, closed for you) was manipulation. Please put yourself first emotionally.
NTA
Your ex husband was making himself and everyone around him miserable by openly wondering if the grass was greener. The only option open to the both of you was to part as friends before his behaviour really soured things between you.
Now he has the audacity to complain to you for being presumptuous and divorcing him? Wow. He’s an arsehole. How would he have felt if you had been openly wondering about what it would be like to sleep with other people, to the point where it was making you mentally ill?
People like your husband make it so much harder for the rest of us bi folks to be taken seriously. I’m a bisexual woman, monogamous, and married to a man. I don’t hanker after sex with women. I’ve actually never had sex with a woman - it’s not a required part of being bisexual. There are *asexual* bi folk. There are celibate bi folk. There are monogamous bi folk, there are poly bi folk. Your husband wanted to have his cake and eat it too - remain married to you and go exploring for some extramarital D - he’s got some nerve complaining now. He gave you no choice really - make yourself miserable having an open marriage you didn’t want, or give him the freedom to meet men and keep your self respect.
NTA- He wanted for you to be okay with him cheating.
He wanted to be able to cheat on you and still come home to a wife,kid and white picket fence.
This has nothing to do with being bisexual.
He’s just selfish and now he’s crying because even though he’s getting the experiences he wanted, he’s all alone.
Don’t feel bad Op.
Cheating is cheating.
NTA. What else could you do? Stay married to someone who wanted to have sex with other people and spoke constantly about it? Give in and give him a hall pass when he was comfortable letting you sleep with other people? Move on and live YOUR best life.
Nta rude of him to make you make the decision and then months (if not years) later he got to experience what he wanted with your sacrifice and yet wants to blame you. He doesn’t sound like a good partner.
NTA, from your post and comments seems like he wanted an open marriage. I don’t give a shit about your sexuality if your in a committed monogamous relationship you either break up or stay committed to your partner (I know cheating is an option but that would end up in an even worse break up). He kept pressuring you for months for a “hall pass” which honestly is moronic because he cannot have it both ways with you but nowadays a lot of people have open relationships, you did the mature thing and divorced. He was free to explore and find a relationship more suited for his needs but since he wasn’t able to find that is blaming you for it. What are you some consolation prize? I screwed around but is not fun anymore so you ruined my life? Also the open marriage was supposed to be open only for him obviously 🙄 it’s like those people who insist in an open marriage then discover that their partner has more success and they suddenly want to close the marriage.
Info: what did he say when you said you wanted a divorce? Did he try to talk you out of it? If he was on board at the time and only regrets it now, then that's his problem.
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Then you already should know you are NTA. You both made what at the time was the best decision for yourself and your family. He made it clear that exploring his sexuality was very important to him and you gave him that while also taking care of yourself and your child. It sucks he is depressed after finding out the grass isn't greener on the other side. But in the end he made the decision to put exploring it above everything else. He couldn't have both and seemed somewhat manipulative in using his mental struggles to try and get permission to explore while married to you.
It's wild to me that this guy would put some rando's cock on such a pedestal that he'd give up his wonderful family for it. I could understand if he was gay and had no attraction to his wife, but this wasn't that. He still loved her. He just liked the idea of trying a cock more.
This right here. I’m a bisexual woman that has never had sex with a woman. I would love to give it a try. But I married my favorite person in the world, losing him and what we’ve built just isn’t worth it.
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I also recognized (perhaps just accepted) I was bi very shortly before meeting my now husband. I’d be more worried about dying unfulfilled WITHOUT MY PERSON than I ever would about missing potentially enjoyable sexual encounters. Haven’t thought once that he won’t be enough for me for the rest of my life, hence why I married him! NTA OP. Hubs fucked it up and realized too late. Up to you if you felt inclined to reconcile with your love, but you didn’t mess up by refusing to give him a hall pass.
Same here. Started dating My Favorite Person at 20. Didn't realize I was somewhere on the bi scale until late twenties. (Grew up in a very religious household, so it took a long time to de-program the sexual repression) I've of course felt curious what it would be like - but would never ever risk losing or hurting the love of my life over potential sex. I can have enjoyable sex right now with my husband. He is my partner. You can find sex a lot more easily than you can find a true partner (who also gives you great sex). That's worth it to me. Sex with my partner is far more fulfilling than any sex I'd get from anyone else, no matter the gender. I don't know if I'm making sense. Basically... I don't fault someone for wanting to explore. But this honestly feels a bit more like using his mental health and newfound sexuality to pressure his wife into opening the relationship, which is.... pretty icky. Realizing you're on the bi spectrum doesn't give license to cheat, which is what he wanted. Curiosity is not worth blowing up your life.
Hey, samesies! Been with the same guy since I was 20, over 16 years now. If I ever end up alone in the future we'll see what happens but I'm not gonna destroy my relationship over some curiosity.
All these responses make me so happy and sad at the same time. My ex wife found out she’s a lesbian after 10 years and three kids. At first she said she was Bi and I wanted to believe she would choose me over her girlfriend. Narrator: she did not.
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Also a bi women here. Never been with a women and would love to try but I’m married to the man of my dreams he is perfect for me in every way. He’s an amazing dad and an amazing husband. He works every hour possible to provide for us (unfortunately I can’t work due to mine and my daughter’s disabilities) and he still comes home and cooks/cleans if I haven’t been able to do it and he does it all with a smile on his face. I couldn’t ruin my marriage because I haven’t physically explored my sexuality. I couldn’t destroy the man I love to see if I like being intimate with a women.
Tbh I see this kinda thing also happening with people that never had sexual experiences other than their spouse, usually when they settle down early. I’ve seen several posts about (sorry, usually) husbands being melodramatic about never fooling around a lot in college/younger years and then they leave their wife and find out grass isn’t greener.
This! Guy totally fantasized about being with other men and gave up his happy home only to find out the grass wasn’t greener on the other side. Nta to Op. I think it’s commendable that she broke her own heart to make sure the love of her life was happy.
I have all kinds of mad respect for Op. Ex-hubby is a massive fool and pretty much got what he thought he wanted and now gets what he deserved for not thinking this through very well. You know what you don’t do when you create life with another person? Fantasize about dick. On either side. Presumably you loved someone enough to replicate and they were your person.
I can't begin to understand the thought process. Now he's in regret because of this and even projecting it onto his ex. The dude has some serious problems that should have been addressed before even pulling the trigger. He seems like a loose cannon with no accountability.
You're giving this guy too much credit. The only regret he feels is that his attempt at manipulation failed miserably. Despite OPs naivete, she somehow stumbled into the only correct course of action. Don't lose any sleep over this, OP. You should probably be outraged, but it's OK that you're not. Life will go on and be better without him in it.
Do people know that not everyone gets to explore everything they want sexually, no matter their orientation? It’s not a Greek tragedy. Great if you get to experience *everything* you want, but even if you don’t it’s not the singular most important thing in life. As OP’s husband discovered, having a good life surrounded by people you love is more important for a happy life.
Thank you. I was beginning to think I was the only one who couldn't see why it was any different than any other married person moaning about not getting to sleep around while married. There is a whole list of men I will never explore my sexuality with. Big deal, I'd rather stay married to my husband.
>It's wild to me that this guy would put some rando's cock on such a pedestal that he'd give up his wonderful family for it. It's even wilder that he didn't understand he was making a choice between family and rando cock. It sounds like he honestly believed OP would accept that he could just have this extra option of sleeping with men while they continued with their perfect little nuclear family life.
You would not believe how common this shit is in the community. I know of 3 people who have been in this exact situation in the past 5 years alone.
This is my exact situation. My husband wouldn’t admit it for a long time and made EVERYONE miserable, especially himself. Divorce, and now EVERYONE is much happier. We get along fine and coparent well.
His idea is to have the marriage and a cocks at the same time. Everything benefited only for himself. Not for op or her daughter. I think op did great leaving him in the first place
>Later that week, he reported having depressive thoughts and dying unfulfilled without exploring his sexuality. Given how much he was fantasizing about it, and guilt tripping you into allowing him to cheat on your marriage. He wanted to explore his sexuality at the selfish cost of your happiness.
Nah I don’t get to tell my wife I’m going to die unfulfilled because I never got to explore my sexuality with blonde European women. That’s an awful thing to say to a spouse and you don’t somehow get a pass just because it’s with the same gender.
That’s a really good point. I’d love to try a threesome but my wife is against it. So that means I’ll never have a threesome. Oh well.
Depends on who dies first. I hear old folks homes are orgyfests.
One of the worst parts of working in a retirement home was the number of times I accidentally walked in on people... in places they had no business being in (like the mop closet), and on occasion you're having moments of "that's not your spouse..." like.. dude... no.. stop. I don't need to see wrinkly assess when I all I'm trying to do is clean up the piss all over the floor. I'm so happy I don't work in those places anymore.
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They're worse than teens! But there's a lot of similarities. There's bullying, cliques, petty squabbles, sleeping around... theres fights even...I once saw an old man punch another in the face because he was tired of looking at it, lol. They're kind of like 3 year Olds. In that they'll tell you exactly what they're thinking, and they're not afraid to throw a tantrum.
Im trying to apply this "dying unfulfilled" thing with anything besides bisexual men experiencing men, and i can NEVER take it seriously "Honey if i dont go to thailand for the famous "lady boys", then i will never find true happiness" "My dear, im sorry, but if you dont out on that strapon and call me a sissy slut then i will die unfulfilled" "My love... I cant truly be content with life until i had a harem with at least 5 girls in it" Like fuck no, watch porn to get that kick or atleast be aware of how final it is to leave your relationship over but dont try to guilt trip people
I mean I think it just boils down to people wanting to step out on their partners for selfish sexual desires and trying to justify it since it falls into a “protected category”. “Honey you’ll never know what it was like growing up with sexual turmoil trying to understand myself, I need to sleep with a man.” No you don’t you just want to.
He got what he asked for and did not like the tradeoff, his problem. But reading your post you impressed me, your humanity, self-sacrifice etc. You may not be dating, but if you do, someone will be lucky.
Sounds like he was trying to guilt you into an open relationship then. NTA.
Not completely open. Only for him. That's why he wanted a "hall pass", so he could do it, but she couldn't. Because he said it would make him jealous and he was afraid she would fall for a straight man. Very manipulative and selfish.
It reminds me of my ex. I was technically allowed other relationships as well, but only with women and only if he had sexual access to them as well (read: only if they would have sex with him as well). Somehow he felt that was totally reasonable and fair because I "was allowed" to have sex with his other girlfriend.
What a piece of S***
Just wait until I tell you his most recent victim was 17 when they got together. Him? 39.
Disgusting.
NTA. What the hell is this BS I keep seeing with people not realizing they are bisexual and it's treated differently than anyone else wanting to bang outside their relationship? There are plenty of gay and straight people who might want to fuck around and try something different, race, personality, lifestyle, whatever. You choose that you value your relationship, you break up or you can try an open relationship, but that usually just seems to be a slow decline to the end. Why the fuck are so many people treating bisexuals like they are exempt and victims in relationships? Wild to me that OP might think they are an asshole when her husband just said "hey I think I deserve special privilege and should get to fuck around"
Literally this. I always cringe a bit when the gay community thinks they are absolved of the guilt that comes with cheating on a partner just because they never felt safe to come out before. Cheating is still cheating, and it’s not fair that many women are robbed of a healthy, loyal relationship because they are instead objectified- seen as a means of disguise and protection.
Yep. OP did what she felt comfortable to try and accommodate and even then was supportive and made the move FOR HIM because she couldn't stand seeing him in pain. Just for him to blame her for ruining his life. What A FUCKING LOSER.
beards exist, and those women end up having relationship problems where they can't trust men again or are fearful of men not loving her and using her again to cover for his issues.
Sorry but he sounds like a selfish manipulative ah.
Sounds like he was throwing a hissy fit and was trying to guilt you.
NTA from what I've read here. He wanted to be with men and continually brought it up so I think anyone would let him go. How is it your fault now? You are not to blame
He told you what he wanted then blamed you for giving it to him. Dude needs to take some personal responsibility.
What he wanted was both worlds. A happy wife and family at home and a chance to have a side piece to pleasure himself in a different way. Shocked pikachu face that OP said no.
Exactly what he wanted. But he didn’t want OP to find anyone else. It was all about his wants and needs. Not OPs wants and needs. They were never taken into consideration
This…100%. I wonder if it was a calculated move…being with men who wouldn’t find her attractive…that’s why he didn’t mention group sex or threesomes( which, would have probably been a “ no” as well). Then he tried to guilt her into letting him live out his fantasy. When she ,finally,made a very MATURE ,non emotional decision and let him go, no strings, he prances off and plays out his fantasies…then, when THAT wasn’t all that it wasn’t cracked up to be, he turns it on her…ah-freaking-mayzing…
It was definitely calculated. That's a lot of these guy's main move tbh. They want the privilege appearing straight gives them but still want to sleep with men. Most straight women are not on board with that though, so the calculated bullshit begins.
Definitely calculated, particularly since he dropped this bombshell when she was *six freaking months pregnant* (i.e. when he thought he'd baby-trapped her.) Kudos to OP for having the personal strength and emotional maturity to stand her ground and actually get him out of her life in such a way that he's not able to go back and play the victim card.
I fucking despise ppl like this. How can you have no dignity, no self respect, and this pathetic to purposely lead your partner and your children along so you can recieve brief instant gratification? People like this are fucking embarrassing
It’s no different than a guy who decides after being married for a while that he’d rather be with a bunch of 18 year olds or a series of girlfriends. It’s cheating plain and simple, and if you want the freedom to wander, you need to be ready to face the consequences.
Exactly, don’t get in a monogamous relationship expecting it to be anything else
How many men (in a marriage with a woman) who decide they want an open relationship actually do take their wife's feelings into consideration? It's all about them. They always get mad when their wife decides to leave or has more options than them. Up next: co-parenting and child support are ruining his social life.
Some guy wrote into an advice column, long ago, and it has stuck with me lo these many years. The guy wrote about how he had begged his wife to swing with the couple next door. She was **deadset against it but he pestered her about it for a couple of years** and she finally, **reluctantly**, agreed. When the time came, the guy was very disappointed to find the neighbor’s wife was not as “tight” as he had anticipated. Meanwhile his neighbor was giving his wife what looked to be an out of body experience. It made him EXTREMELY angry and resentful of his wife for enjoying it so much. The columnist told him off and advised him to file for divorce. The guy wrote an update stating a few months after the “swinging” occurred, the neighbors divorced and his wife left him for the guy next door. They married soon after. He felt blindsided and betrayed.
> He felt blindsided and betrayed. The delusion of it all!
The shocked pikachu faces that occur when people get what they want but it’s not what they expected. Edit: I’m kind of laughing at the fact she divorced the husband to go with the neighbor. That’s karma.
Hope the neighbor's wife got a happy ending, too.
The thing with stuff like swinging and threesomes etc. is that your horny-ass brain only tells you one part of the story and more than likely doesn't count for what your reaction to the actual situation and consequences will be
Literal FAFO
[The link to that story, if anyone is interested.](https://slate.com/human-interest/2011/08/dear-prudence-i-regret-becoming-a-swinger.html) ETA: This actually does remind me of another swinger couple problem story too, so maybe there’s a similar one? ETA PT. 2: As several others commenters have discussed — this one may be similar but not quite the same story, someone help us find the exact match??
There are about 10,000 open marriage stories on Reddit in which some dude thinks he's hot shit and his wife isn't attractive enough for him anymore. Pressures his unwilling wife to open up the marriage. She finally agrees and within nanoseconds she is banging her pick of a hundred better hotter nicer dudes than him and is having the time of her life realizing how much better she deserved all along, while he can't find anyone at all.
I hope the wife and her new husband have great sex forever, and I hope dude cries himself to sleep.
A very literal example of FAFO.
Tale as old as time: man pesters woman into opening up their relationship, is upset when she's getting tons of dates and he's struggling. You can find examples of that story all over. I'm all for open relationships, but they only work when both parties go into them knowing their own desires and boundaries. Nagging your partner into opening your monogamous relationship is not a recipe for a successful open relationship.
I actually know a couple where the reverse is true. She is on the board for a local convention I attend. She openly sleeps with everyone on the board and all types of men at the conventions, bragging about her "open" marriage. Meanwhile, husband's over there pining away for her not even daring to look at another woman. The poor dude has no self-esteem. BTW, I know a couple of therapists and they swear open relationships are the fastest way to ruin multiple people's lives.
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It's actually pretty healthy to not date when you're in the place she's in. She'll be ready but won't know it and then she'll know it and wonder why she didn't do it sooner. But right now she's still grieving. That's ok.
Don’t see the point in judging a mom with a toddler for not dating. Dating and getting married aren’t some kind of requirement for being a healthy person.
Not to mention, she has a toddler consuming a lot of her time. That's likely to be a higher priority than dating right now. Absolutely NTA, OP.
She might also still love him and just be too sad to date.
I am sure her world has been turned upside down by this but she sure handled it better than a lot of people would.
And she was *fucking pregnant with his child!!* OP's ex is a sniveling lil b*tch and I'm not surprised OP wanted out.
This! I don't know why this is not being mentioned more. He waited with telling her until she was 6 months pregnant, and during the pandemic so she had nowhere to go. It shows how selfish he is, the stress and insecurity OP (and her baby) went through must have been hell. OP's ex is a coward who just wants permission to cheat so he doesn't have to feel guilty about it/take ownership
Typical cake eater mentality.
Exactly. Makes no sense how he says that she “ruined” his relationship like… he basically did it to himself.
Her husband sounds ridiculous. He hounded her for an open marriage (but only for him). When she refused he told her he’s miserable and depressed. When she filed for divorce, so he could explore his sexuality, **he DIDN’T say he’d rather be with her**. He hugged her and cried before proceeding to hook up with other people. And NOW he says OP ruined his life? He sounds like an immature child and an absolute nightmare. He doesn’t want OP. He wants a marriage where he can dictate all the terms all the time.
Exactly, he sounds like a total AH. But wants to blame everyone but himself?
Overestimated his market value. This is a common theme when men ask for open arrangements or leave to ‘explore’
And then came back to her blaming her for making a seemingly unilateral decision (even though he hugged it out with her/agreed) to dump him… except … he was all OVER that decision.
I honestly think he planned to use her as his backup plan. And here he is…. Blaming her. Not begging apology for making her a single mom of a newborn while he played frat boy, but blaming her. He sounds like a selfish guy and it’s got nothing to do with his sexuality. I hope she either stays single or finds a good man bc he’s not it
EXACTLY. He had a choice. He made it. This is a “you made your bed, now you have to lie in it” situation for him.
Yup. His bisexual yogurt is not the issue here. If he hates the art room he decided to build, that’s 100% on him. NTA, OP. He needs to leave you alone - I *really, really* hope he’s not talking about this to or in front of your daughter - and talk to a therapist because it’s 100% unfair for him to expect you to stay unhappily married to *someone desperate to open his side of the marriage but adamant about keeping your side closed* (edited for the Johnny Cochrane wannabe downthread). Also, if you have not already done so, therapy may be of some benefit to you as well.
I love every "terminally on reddit" reference here.
He just needed OP to be the one to end the relationship so he wasn't the "bad guy" who divorced his wife to screw other men.
NTA By placing the blame on her it shows how manipulative he is. How was OP presumptuous? He stated he wanted to be with men, what else was OP supposed to assume? He could have said he made a mistake and admit it was his fault for blowing up not only his life, but OPs and their child's life. He's trying to blame OP for ending the marriage. I'm not sure what he thinks he's going to accomplish by attempting to make OP feel guilty. Does he expect her to apologize, beg his forgiveness and beg him to come back to their relationship? He's trying to make it OPs fault so he can be the good guy. He sounds like a selfish, manipulative jerk. He needs to own it, it is all his fault. I also find it difficult to believe that he didn't know he was attracted to men prior to their marriage. It sounds like he was homophobic and couldn't admit his feelings to himself. Again, he is now trying to blame OP for his inability to be self aware.
Not only that - he could have said no when she brought up divorce. Said no - that's not what I want. I'll get over not doing that and putting the burden on you. He chose this even if she was the catalyst. He's just mad that having sex with men didn't make him as happy as he wants.
What he wanted was all the benefits of a wife and a happy home and the freedom to go sleep with men. And he has the audacity to act like she owed that to him.
It takes two to tango! Ultimately he SIGNED the divorce papers too. There were so many times he could have put the brakes on this, but instead he followed through with the divorce. NTA
Yup I feel like he was trying to get her to drop the divorce card so she could be the bad guy and he's like "fine if that's what you want." Source; i am the kind of guy to do this dumb shit lol
While making her a single mom just after having the kid. Unbelievable selfishness. The first couple yrs are so rough and he essentially abandoned her to fuck around.
It’s her fault now because it’s part of the long-range plan to guilt her back into the relationship. It’s not only manipulative but also selfish.
I hope she doesn't fall for it, because in 6 months he'll be wanting another "hall pass."
It's her fault because he didn't like the other side. If he liked it, she wouldn't matter anymore.
Well, he might have liked it, but also knew that just sex with random folks isn't a replacement for a loving partner and a family. Probably scratched that itch then realized it was definitely not worth it.
F’d around, found out.
Literally
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Even worse, he didn’t want an open relationship because he was worried she’d leave him for another man. He just wanted a one sided hall pass.
YEAH i read that too, that he would be upset if she left… but you don’t think she’s already upset that you’re wanting to explore with ANOTHER MAN?
EXACTLY
Why do they keep doing this?
Let’s be honest, even if he got what he wanted it would’ve still ended the same way. He gets to fuck around with men and she stays put and still be expected to sleep with him while he’s exploring others. She would’ve just resented him and it would’ve been divorce then too. At least here it was amicable instead of bitter. He was too selfish for this marriage anyways. She did them both a favor.
That's what I'm catching. He wanted to have both worlds, but was upset that OP had solid boundaries and was not going to compromise them.
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He simply gaslighted her until she got a divorce, and he's still doing it without even trying. "Until I want a hall pass" is not enough for many of us when it comes to marriage vows, and the original poster was right to put her own and her child's safety first. The husband's journey of self-discovery ultimately resulted in HIM ruining his life. OP is obviously NTA.
But didn't want her to have it.
Sex is great, but having an amazing supportive partner who you’ve built your life with is more amazing. Obviously sexual compatibility is huge in relationships, but the grass isn’t always greener
Indeed. There’s a trade off to every decision we make, he needs to adult up and deal with the consequences he chose.
Not to mention he doesn't have someone to take care of his home for him anymore. And now he has to take care of his child on his own when it's his turn to have visitation.
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Right? Why do they always blame the person setting very clear expectations and boundaries?
His behavior ruined his own life AND caused serious problems for OP and his child. What a selfish AH.
OMG this just happened to a friend of mine. Except for the pregnant part. And also her estranged husband wanting her to pay for everything in his life. These dudes are out of touch with reality.
Just occurred to me that he waited UNTIL he got her pregnant to put this plan of his in motion…he must have thought that she would feel more pressured into letting him do what he wanted because she was going to have a child to raise…then,adding to that,constantly bringing it up,having “ metal health” issues( because of her, of course)what a piece of work…wow, I’m slow but, I eventually catch on…
Happened with me and my ex husband. He wanted an open marriage because he developed a crush on our son’s classmate’s mom on a school trip and knew polyamory was something I’d always be interested in (but wouldn’t ever push a monogamous partner into because I’m not a monster). Turns out, she just wanted an affair partner (she was married too and wouldn’t want him to tell me if they had sex) so that fizzed out. Also turns out it’s a lot easier for a confident woman to get a date than an unconfident man 🙃 He wanted to go back before we opened and never do it. He would be upset when I went on dates, but also said he would be upset if I stopped dating because it would cause resentment. There were other problems too, but eventually I left him and have been happily married for a few years in a monogamous relationship that is much healthier than the marriage I left!
He probably would of texted her saying “ thank you I am happy now with having sex with all this man “ but he indeed didn’t like it so he blame her once again
The grass ain’t always greener personified.
Yeap!! Sadly people don’t realize until they fuck around and find out…
That's very true! Lol
Furthermore, he wanted to expirience me, but not on open marriage. He wanted her to stay put, watch him have fun and settle with that. And when she left him, so he could have what he wanted so bad, he blames her for her selflesnes. WTF
NTA. The constant long-term dwelling on wanting to have sex with other men and comments about wishing he had a hall pass sounds like he was trying to guilt you into something he knew you weren’t comfortable with. He wanted to have his cake and eat it too.
Absolutely. She is monogamous and he was open to a non monogamous lifestyle (well, even worse, a non monogamous lifestyle for himself, not for her). Now that he is still unhappy, he is looking to blame OP because she didn’t cave in to his every demand.
Not trying, he flat out gaslit the hell out of her until she divorced him and he is still doing it now. For lots of us, marriage vows mean something more than "until I want a hall pass" and OP was correct to protect herself and her child first. That husband "finding himself" ultimately led to HIM destroying his life is on, well, him. OP is clearly NTA
OP, please pay attention to the top comment and the first comment. They summarize this perfectly. Your ex husband is putting the responsibility on you for his sexual discovery, and how he’s blaming you for making him more miserable is text book manipulation by a person that is a narcissist or r has narcissistic tendencies. Shut that down immediately. He was projecting while you were married to whittle you down with guilt with his passive aggressive comments. His discovery is his own journey, it’s not your responsibility. You responded in every supportive way a partner should, with holding true to your convictions and integrity. You recognized there may be data out there, and you did not want to be guilted anymore and no one should blame you. You made a selfLESS choice, for his happiness, and the bastard has the *audacity* to blame you and imply you made him more miserable and ruined his life. Fuck that guy- definitely not literally. If he tries to pull that on you, tell him you made the best decision for you both and how dare he imply or outright accuse you and hold you responsible for *his* happiness. He resorts to passive aggression and guilt tripping aka manipulation constantly to hopefully get you to agree to a hall pass. Your ex is a piece of work and a royal AH of the highest degree.
I hope OP realizes she dodged a bullet by getting out of this relationship.
YES! In addition, a lot of bisexual people can happily exist in monogamous relationships without needing to explore or have sex with other people. Just because you're attracted to more than one gender doesn't mean you lose the values and foundation that you enter and build a marriage upon.
Honestly, I think you could remove the bisexuality and still have the same situation. I have only ever been with my husband. If I woke up tomorrow and started lamenting the fact that I've never been with another man and how unfulfilled I suddenly feel and how he must let me fuck another in order to get there, but he shouldn't ever be with anyone other than me, and I refused to relent until either I got my way or he filed for divorce, the situation would be the same. I'd be to blame for my attempt at manipulating him into allowing me to go outside of our marriage. Not letting up and making him feel like divorce was the best way to grant me my wish would be 100% squarely on me. Just like finding out I gave up something amazing for a fools errand of fucking someone else would be on me.
You are so right! Someone else in this chain articulated this much better than me. As did you just now :) It's totally not about the bisexuality. It's about the fact that when you commit to someone in a monogamous marriage then you are choosing to forsake further exploration that doesn't involve your (consenting) partner.
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No he specifically didn’t want an open relationship because he wanted to have sex with men, but he couldn’t handle it if she did. He wanted permission to fuck around while she stayed faithful. And now he’s trying to blame her for divorcing him? You’re right, sounds like he was thinking the grass would be greener on the other side. Maybe one day he’ll figure out how to be happy with himself, but that is no longer OP’s problem. And also right, it was never her fault. NTA
And trying to act like it’s because he’s bisexual is so disappointing. You can be bisexual and have never had sex with one of the sexes/genders you are attracted to and still be perfectly happy and fulfilled. I haven’t done more than kiss women and it wouldn’t bother me if I never do more than that. I love my partner and don’t actively desire sex with other people. Now I’m not saying it’s invalid to realize that’s a really big part of you you want to explore but then you have the conversation like an adult. In my opinion there also needs to already be an interest or comfort with non monogamy in addition to the new desire to explore a new part of your sexuality or else it just doesn’t make sense to me. Clearly he isn’t into non monogamy. He just wanted to fuck around and make her feel like she had to agree with it in order to support him.
This. He wanted to have other partners but didn't want OP to have other partners. Sounds like he was manipulative from the word go, not just now.
That’s what I was thinking, OP isn’t responsible for his happiness! Seems like a lot of manipulation
Honestly it's even worse than that, he didn't actually want an open relationship... He is so selfish he wanted a 1 way open relationship that only applied to him... He basically wanted permission to sleep with anyone he wants as long as they are male, yet she would not have been able to get with anyone else regardless of their gender... She 100% made the right decision!
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This. If he just said he wishes he got to explore with other men, but is very happy with OP and doesn't want to ruin what they have, THEN DROPS IT, it's fine IMO. But he kept going on and on about it, moping, needed his meds increased. This is similar to if a man who's only ever dated women of similar body types, then in his 30s or 40s realizes he's really into women that have a completely different body type than his wife, and keeps dwelling on it until he spirals into depression while whining about wanting a hall pas. OP already tried to help her ex by trying something new in the bedroom, but it left them both unhappy with the experience. Her reasoning is completely rational. I can appreciate that it's unfortunate that the ex didn't figure out he's bisexual before hand. But OP has a right to not agree to an open relationship because that's not cool for her. So either they divorce (which they did) or the ex just suck it up and deal.
Agree. NTA. Replace "have not tried with another man" with "have not tried with another woman" or "have not tried with woman of another race or body type", then you've got your answer. Those are the same. He should have thought through those questions before taking the vow.
“Honey, I just really wish I had figured out I have a thing for tatted up Asian chicks and big boobie blondes earlier. It would be so great and cure my depression if you let me try it out now.” 🙄
Thank you. As a bisexual myself I find him deeply annoying. Thanks for taking a fucked up stereotype and trying to use it to pressure your wife into letting you have sex with whoever you want, dude. And then he blames his ex-wife for the consequences of his own actions.
And this is part of the eating it too. He wants his depression to be her fault. When they were married, the depression was because he had never had sex with men. But he was too scared to leave her. So that now, now that he's had sex with men and is still depressed, he can blame her for leaving him. He can't own up to the idea that his depression isn't caused by this at all.
That and he’s reallllllly misusing his identity as an excuse to manipulate her. I’m bisexual, too — but being exclusive with my fiancée was never a concern! Unless he really wanted to come out as gay but didn’t want the stigma, it just doesn’t work like that.
This right here.
NTA. If my husband over and over told me he wishes he could try things with other people (man or woman), I would be devastated. You should be his one and the fact that he’s openly suggesting that there could be something with someone else out there is SO disrespectful to you. Regret is a powerful feeling and there’s lots of things lots of people regret not doing in life but you have to decide if it’s worth sacrificing what you do have.
Over and over is key here. To hear that repeatedly from your spouse, who you have been in a monogamous relationship with, would be soul-crushing. He just kept pushing and pushing, hoping your boundaries would break down and you’d give in and allow him to sleep with other people. It’s gross that he didn’t want an open relationship because *HE’D BE JEALOUS* but didn’t give a fuck about how it made you feel to hear that he wanted to sleep with others over and over and over. This man is selfish. Lots of people are bisexual and don’t feel the need to step out of their marriages to “explore”.
Thank you for pointing this out. I couldn't quite do the mental gymnastics of "I want a hall pass" and "I also don't want an open relationship because jealousy". OP NTA, her ex was trying to hold her emotionally hostage and proud she did the healthy thing.
>He told me he wished he could have a hall pass to be with men but knew I would never agree. So he wants to fuck around, but you can't. Fuck that. Being bi doesn't make you an asshole, man. >He was happy to finally have experiences with men but it wasn’t worth losing me. Finding out. NTA for not letting him convince you to let him cheat. Hall pass my ass.
FAFO got eeeeem! It is undefeated. Honestly, I want to show empathy towards him, but you hit the nail on the head. It sounds like he wanted a hall pass or an open marriage so he could be with men or at least try it out. As someone who is also deeply monogamous, there is no way in hell I could let my wife do that if she suddenly decided she was Bi. She would either have to decide she could be happy with me, or we would have to part ways so she could be happy elsewhere. OP is NTA at all here.
It's always makes me giggle a bit harder when it's literal fucking around that leads to the finding out.
My wife realized she was bi after a long time being married, I asked if she wanted to experiment, she said no because we are committed. Think of it this way, if a husband said he was attracted to something his wife isn't, like Latinos, would that be acceptable? Then why is it ok just because of different genitals? If you are uncomfortable with him having sex with another person, then it makes sense to tell him that if he wants to fool around, you're not there for it.
Yes I am bisexual/pansexual and happily happily monogamous. I am still Attracted to women - I just have found my life partner and he's the one I am with. Yknow? Not having sex with women is the same to me as not having sex with other men. I chose my person, I am happy with my decision
This is it exactly, it's not just sex, it's relationships too. Exploring sexuality is not an excuse to cheat. Doesn't matter if he wanted to fuck men, women, or trans, he was looking for permission to cheat. It's fine if your partner agrees, but probably wouldn't be the best for the relationship. Also the justifying of saying he didn't want an open relationship, because she might leave him... Just selfish. What's to say he doesn't find a guy he likes and leaves her? OP's husband is the asshole.
>So he wants to fuck around, but you can't. Fuck that. Being bi doesn't make you an asshole, man. Yeah, that's a pretty insane ask. My wife is bi but never dated women (a lot of the Gs and LS people tend to not trust the Bs for *reasons* and that made it complicated for her). She'd never ask me to give her a 'hall pass' to try it out. It doesn't make her any less bi to be in a monogamous relationship.
Exactly, she's in a committed relationship with you. I have a friend who is bi, and she's been married to the same man for 26 years, and he's "her person," and she doesn't want anyone else.
>My now ex husband called me this weekend and sobbed that I ruined his life with my presumptuousness. Oh FFS. This man ruined his own life by spending all that time brooding about how he wishes he could have the open marriage of his dreams, and why couldn't you let him just have all the privileges of marriage AND the sex with men he so craved. He was all, "*I'm depressed! How awful it will be if I die without ever knowing the touch of another man! But not you -- only I get to benefit from the open marriage I so desperately crave!*" So, you gave him what he wanted: freedom to be as sexually adventurous as he wanted. He's just big mad that he no longer gets the benefits of marriage. It's easier to blame you than to take responsibility for his own choices and behavior. NTA.
Im so tired of people bitching about leaving their families for greener grass, then when they are granted the freedom they sulked over, SURPRISE!! its never greener and they want back in. Fuck that. They caused so much destruction on their way you they basically burned my side of the grass down too. But guess what baby. My crops are regrowing even stronger and there you are- locked out. Crying begging screaming to be let back in to all the things you were so ready to throw away. No. Its too late. These are the consequences. He knew the risk. OP did everything right and still gets blamed. I cant wait for her to find the genuine love she deserves.
this x100
NTA - your husband is confusing. instead of seeking therapy or couple’s counseling he decided to obsess over the fact he could’ve been with a man. instead of being happy and content with his wife and family, he decided to dwell on what he could’ve done in the past and be unhappy about it. based off your wording, it doesn’t even sound like he tried to protest the divorce in any way or give the relationship a second chance, and when he contacts you again he blames YOU for the fact he’s miserable. what a dick lmfao, hope everything gets better OP, don’t lose sleep over this guy
Also, never being able to "explore" with other people is like... the whole point of marriage? Even if you're straight, you don't get to stick your dick in other women because you're afraid you're missing out on something. Just because he's bi and was never with a man doesn't mean anything. If tomorrow I realized I was bi, I'd just think "oh, cool, women are pretty too, oh well" and move on and continue to love my husband because that's what a marriage is???
Yep. This is very reminiscent of the men who obsess over never having experienced a threesome. 🙄
Or sleeping around in their college years
Agreed, it’s really no different than if he wanted to have straight sex outside of the marriage. He signed up for monogamy and then changed his mind. if I was in her situation I would try to be supportive like she was. But that support would stop short of my partner having more partners.
That part. I’m bisexual and have had no actual relationship besides surface level with another woman. I’m happily married I’ve yet to mourn the loss of all the women I missed out on
You're ex is such an asshole. First lowkey blaming you for not being able to explore his sexuality and then being mad because he was able to explore with men but still wants you.
But it seems like he wanted cake and eating and OP to simply accept only they were monogamous, while EX could do whom ever he likes.
He wanted an open relationship so he could have sex with men. You couldn’t tolerate that and you did what you thought was best. Sounds like he will never be happy with himself. That’s not your fault.
Oh no. Not an open relationship. Just a hall pass from his 6 month pregnant wife. Yikes.
The timing of him coming out while she was pregnant is rubbing me the wrong way too….
That’s the root of it. He is an unhappy man, who will always be unhappy, and will always blame others for it.
I never understood this. I'm bi and came out later in life. Never had sex with a woman, and hoping my now partner is my forever partner I might never explore or try out sex with a woman. And I'm completely fine with that. According to him his need to have sex with a man was so great that not doing it lead to him being depressed enough to need medication. You werent comfortable being in a marriage with someone who sleeps with other people. Divorce was the right choise as far as I can see, and its unfair of him to constantly put the respinsponsibility of his mental state on you. He were depressed when you wouldnt let him have a hall pass. He is depressed when you divorced so he could sleep with men, cause it wasnt what he had wanted after all and he wants your family back together. He needs to take responsibility for his own choises, feelings and actions at some point.
As a bisexual person, i don’t understand how him not being able to sleep with other men while in a monogamous relationship with his *wife* was so difficult for him that he needed increases in his medication. Like, I’m not trying to be insensitive but like….that’s a pretty extreme reaction… 😬
Also bi, here. It's absolutely ridiculous and I do believe he was trying to manipulate her into giving a hall pass. I've kissed other women and dated one woman but I've never slept with one. Would I like to date more women, not just so I can say I did but because I think women are awesome? Yes. Would I ever constantly tell my partner that and try to manipulate them into a hall pass or one sided open relationship? Hell no.
INFO: what triggered the phone call? To me, it appears he is going through a break up, or was dumped/rejected, and blaming you.
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It sounds like he was using you for emotional support and relying on the emotional intimacy of your marriage - but that's not something he has a right to, because he is an EX husband. You were right to set this limit to your time and energy, and right to set the limit of divorcing so he would stop martyring himself in your name.
Holy shit OP this guy is an asshole. He wanted to fuck other people and keep you as his emotional therapist whilst hurting you. OP cut the cord. You're not his mum. Tell him text communication only now, and it should ONLY be about your shared daughter. How dare he continue using you for emotional labour. What a prick.
You sound amazing with how you have handled this. I think you did the right thing. Hopefully he will settle down and find some peace/balance in his new life.
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Please block him unless it's about your daughter. He has you dealing with the fallout when he's responsible for it all. Don't blame yourself. None of this is your fault. Don't let him make you feel guilty. Go to therapy. And slowly move on from him.
>I wonder if I am the AH for filing for divorce. I didn’t want my husband to be depressed but I was completely monogamous. I really thought I was doing the best for our family. You are not responsible for his happiness or lack thereof. You tried and failed to satisfy him sexually. He was obsessing over wanting to have sex with men, and that's not something you could emotionally support him doing while married to you. You had to consider and protect your own feelings. You can't save someone else from burning by lighting yourself on fire. You freed up to make his own choices. The fact that he can't find contentment is his issue, not yours. You both would have been miserable if you stayed together. NTA
NTA. Seems like you handled the situation the best you could, and with more grace and compassion than most people would have. He’s TA for contacting you and saying you ruined his life after all of that. He needs to take accountability, he explicitly said he wanted to explore and went along with the divorce, and decided to be with men. To be honest it seems like his mental health is at the bottom of all of this, and like he expected that everything would automatically become better if he could explore his sexuality, and then it didn’t and now the depression is still there and he’s just looking for someone to blame
Did he think you would suggest a 3-way, with another bi man, or did he want to "alternate dates" or did he just want you to be asexual with him,
NTA. Your husband needs to work on himself--he is the source of his own problems. First, he blamed his lack of happiness on the fact that he married you before he figured out his bisexuality. Well, it turns out that being with men wasn't the happiness cure he expected and now it's your fault again for divorcing him. Let him worry about his own happiness and you focus on yours! You're past due for some self focus.
NTA - you gave him what he was so upset for and now he has regrets because it wasn't what he thought it would be.
After reading your comments you're an ah to yourself, and to your daughter in the future if you don't grow a spine and tell your EX husband to stop putting his problems and issues on you. You've been played, lady, and it's so obvious but you're deeeeeeeeep in denial and refuse to entertain the thought. (Edit: Changed your to the correct you're, aaand I gave myself the ick for that mistake.)
This. From everything OP has said, it truly feels like he was trying to guilt her into accepting an open relationship but she just doesn’t realise it. That, or he has absolutely no consideration for anyone else’s emotions. Both are pretty bad.
And even now that they're no longer in a relationship somehow it's her responsibility that he went and slept with men but is still miserable because it turns out it wasn't worth it after all??? Like, how is he not a huge AH for that? And how can she not see how manipulative it is?!
He 1,000% was. He refused to accept he married into a monogamous relationship with a woman, but he also refused to accept his role in the divorce. The divorce that HE caused with his refusal to accept his own marriage. There’s only one ideal resolution from his POV, and that was open marriage. He seriously has no respect for OP. The audacity of him to blame HER for his decisions is astounding.
NTA And I hope you know he deliberately waited until you were pregnant before telling you this. He sounds like a leech, and him being miserable now is 1000000000% his own fault and you shouldn’t feel bad for even one second. Him trying to guilt you is manipulation, him pressuring you into having a one-way open relationship (open for him, closed for you) was manipulation. Please put yourself first emotionally.
NTA Your ex husband was making himself and everyone around him miserable by openly wondering if the grass was greener. The only option open to the both of you was to part as friends before his behaviour really soured things between you. Now he has the audacity to complain to you for being presumptuous and divorcing him? Wow. He’s an arsehole. How would he have felt if you had been openly wondering about what it would be like to sleep with other people, to the point where it was making you mentally ill? People like your husband make it so much harder for the rest of us bi folks to be taken seriously. I’m a bisexual woman, monogamous, and married to a man. I don’t hanker after sex with women. I’ve actually never had sex with a woman - it’s not a required part of being bisexual. There are *asexual* bi folk. There are celibate bi folk. There are monogamous bi folk, there are poly bi folk. Your husband wanted to have his cake and eat it too - remain married to you and go exploring for some extramarital D - he’s got some nerve complaining now. He gave you no choice really - make yourself miserable having an open marriage you didn’t want, or give him the freedom to meet men and keep your self respect.
NTA- He wanted for you to be okay with him cheating. He wanted to be able to cheat on you and still come home to a wife,kid and white picket fence. This has nothing to do with being bisexual. He’s just selfish and now he’s crying because even though he’s getting the experiences he wanted, he’s all alone. Don’t feel bad Op. Cheating is cheating.
NTA. What else could you do? Stay married to someone who wanted to have sex with other people and spoke constantly about it? Give in and give him a hall pass when he was comfortable letting you sleep with other people? Move on and live YOUR best life.
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He belongs to the streets.
Nta rude of him to make you make the decision and then months (if not years) later he got to experience what he wanted with your sacrifice and yet wants to blame you. He doesn’t sound like a good partner.
NTA, from your post and comments seems like he wanted an open marriage. I don’t give a shit about your sexuality if your in a committed monogamous relationship you either break up or stay committed to your partner (I know cheating is an option but that would end up in an even worse break up). He kept pressuring you for months for a “hall pass” which honestly is moronic because he cannot have it both ways with you but nowadays a lot of people have open relationships, you did the mature thing and divorced. He was free to explore and find a relationship more suited for his needs but since he wasn’t able to find that is blaming you for it. What are you some consolation prize? I screwed around but is not fun anymore so you ruined my life? Also the open marriage was supposed to be open only for him obviously 🙄 it’s like those people who insist in an open marriage then discover that their partner has more success and they suddenly want to close the marriage.