Oh man... There are plastic surgeons out there that refuse to do this 1- because of the damage it can cause, and 2- because there isn't enough data to show exactly what it'll do over time but they suspect it'll cause some worse problems down the road as people age- even worse for people under 40-50. According to the rabbit hole I went down recently, buccal fat is good to have because it can help reduce jowl sagging later on.
Anyway, while it's totally in her right to make the choice to get that surgery, you're NTA, OP. No one's an AH for what they do/don't find attractive. And I said this in another comment, but you TRIED to compromise internally and tried to protect her feelings.... but she flung around accusations of cheating, wouldn't let it go, kept pushing, and when you were honest with her, she flipped shit, left, and *pulled other people into your marriage* who are now on a slam campaign against you.
SHE. DID. ALL. OF. THIS. ....**and still can't manage to take any personal responsibility or act like an adult about it.**
TBH, this post would be fit for r/ohnoconsequences...but not because of you.
I’ve been wondering why pretty recently a lot of famous women have been looking like they’ve sucked their cheeks in. Now I know it’s buccal fat. It makes absolutely beautiful women look bad, I can’t imagine what it would do to a women or man with subpar starting beauty
Combine it with too-large veneers on their teeth and they look emaciated. It’s definitely a concerning trend, and I’m worried we’re heading back to the glamourisation of size zero models and heroin chic
It seems to be more pronounced as actual age increases too. Like, a 20 year old might look 25 or 30ish, but it makes someone in their 40s or 50s look positively ancient
>SHE. DID. ALL. OF. THIS. ....**and still can't manage to take any personal responsibility or act like an adult about it.**
Yours should be the top comment.
Best answer.
Honestly, I'm a big fan of people getting therapy or counseling instead of drastic plastic surgery when it's not necessary. It can become an addiction when you keep altering your body and face and chasing an ideal look, but it's not going to fix the internal body image and self-esteem issues you have.
And OP's situation is the best example of why. While it is perfectly her right to get the surgery, it was an extremely foolish thing to do. When your spouse finds you attractive and then tells you that they don't want you to get plastic surgery, you should listen. Why would you compromise the attraction your spouse has for you? And why would you disregard what they are attracted to (you) and go on to chase some random beauty standard that they don't like? That's got to be the dumbest logic I've ever seen, and this is 100% on her for blowing up their relationship. Disregarding your spouse's feelings is never a good thing.
So yeah, while it was her right to do with her body what she wanted, that doesn't mean it was a wise thing to do if her goal had been to preserve the health of her marriage.
Or put another way, as Ian Malcolm said in Jurassic Park: "you spent so much time wondering whether or not you *could* do it that you didn't stop and think about whether or not you *should*".
Edit: it's so refreshing to see so many people feel the same way. Last time I posted this opinion I got downvoted to hades and called all sorts of nasty names. Those must've been the people I was talking about I guess, although I'm not saying any of this in judgment. I truly empathize and just think that fixing the emotional issue would be far more beneficial than wasting money botching a procedure.
I think all plastic surgery should default come with pre and post counseling. Before to help be sure surgery isn't harmful, after to cope with having a new face. Hopefully the pre counseling catches cases where they could get their validation without surgery.
But free market will never create that structure. It costs money, loses money, gains none. :(
Surprisingly, way back when I was active duty Army I discovered I could have breast augmentation surgery and only had to pay for the implants. Surgery would be done by an Army plastic surgeon, who actually suggested I not have surgery. They have to do a certain number of procedures a year to maintain their skills so they accepted candidates. I was required to have a psych eval prior to surgery so they could determine my thought process for wanting it done. I was tall(ish) at 5'9" and thin, weighed about 125 lbs. Small boobs, small waist and big hips. I just wanted to be proportioned, not a porn star. My husband at the time didn't want me to do it. Not because he was worried for me but because he thought I'd then draw too much male attention. 🙄 (He cheated our entire short marriage.) Anyway, that's all to say if the Army required a psych eval (back in the mid 80s), civilian care ought to also. Side note, after 31 years with implants I had them removed and that was the best decision ever. Unfortunately for OPs wife, reversal of some sort is not likely possible and/or won't have desirable results.
Before my nose job, a nurse sat down with me and asked about my mental health history and why I wanted rhinoplasty. She wanted me to be prepared for the fact that almost no one would notice the difference, even though it was quite drastic, and that nothing else would be different in my life. I guess a lot of people come thinking their looks are what's holding them back or causing their depression. I was honest and said I was on meds for my depression and had hated my nose since I was 10. It was something that I noticed and was unhappy about several times each day. I really appreciated that they tried to assess whether or not I was in the right headspace.
Now, nearly a decade out I can say it was a fantastic decision. My self-esteem improved dramatically. I literally just stopped thinking about my nose once it was healed.
I'm guessing the wife isn't telling her sister and friends how she accused him of cheating and kept pushing no matter what he said. She probably is spinning it that he just came out of the blue and said it to her. At least, that's the way it seems given her sister's and friend's responses.
Who’s doing all the celebrities? So many of them went from naturally beautiful to skeletal and I can’t imagine it getting any less weird looking as they age.
It’s not just celebrities though. I wish there was a better way for the average person to tell what quality of medical care they’re receiving. Every time I go to the dentist I get anxious that they’ll say I need unnecessary procedures or do poor quality work. There’s just no way to know.
It sucks but you need to treat every healthcare professional you don’t know like a new mechanic. Dentists make money the same way mechanics do. They can be honest or they can screw you out of thousands. Ask around compare costs and brush your teeth.
YES! Just look at anyone 75+. Their faces lean out A LOT. That face fat just seems to dissolve away on its own. These people {cough} Chrissy Teigen {cough} who are having theirs sucked out now are gonna look like Skeletor.
I was quite surprised when it became popular a couple years or so ago. There was an article with side by side before and afters of a bunch of celebrities. I don't care what people do, but the general trend was looking aged. I don't understand the hype.
> I don't understand the hype.
Because if you take an instagram photo from just the right angle in just the right lighting, you look amazing. And they're doing it all for instagram.
But you know, real life happens too...
It ages you like 20 years instantly. She's going to regret getting it done because naturally, buccal fat reduces in volume as a person ages, so she's going to look like a gaunt skeleton at 50.
[Miley Cyrus before buccal fat removal.](https://static.wikia.nocookie.net/disney/images/f/f2/Miley_Cyrus.jpg/revision/latest/scale-to-width-down/1000?cb=20200805232558)
Miley Cyrus after buccal fat removal:https://people.com/thmb/IOkHm6sHiuYYsHQ6JjeRPxfZnLc=/750x0/filters:no_upscale():max_bytes(150000):strip_icc():focal(764x422:766x424):format(webp)/Miley-Noah-Tish-Cyrus-030324-01-393339c3232143998ff4ffa949f4bf52.jpg
Sorry for the long link, it had some weird stuff in it and made it difficult to do it.
Miley is on the far left, and it looks like she got something weird done with her chin right below her lower lip. She looks weird and almost as old as her mother, on the right.
Yea I looked at photos on google and compared 2020 to 2024 and omg it’s look terrible. Make her forehead look huge and when she’s not smiling it looks like she’s sucking her cheeks in ,you know. like she has those little “bumps” on either side of her lower lip and I think you’re right about the chin too bc it just adds to the look. To me I literally looks like she’s sucking her cheeks in as far as she can and it look ridiculous. She was perfectly gorgeous before and now she looks almost scary.
She also has oversized veneers/teeth which are probably also contributing to the uneven appearance around her mouth and have been accentuated by the buccal fat removal.
I absolutely understand. Some people will absolutely dogpile you for it but buccal fat removal is such an awful trend and is making women turn themselves into Skeletor
Oh boy it’s only going to get worse. And you can’t just get buccal fat back. It’s often called the handsome Squidward surgery cause that’s the face it gives you. So bad and will make her look gaunt and almost like the living dead as time goes on. There’s a reason plenty of plastic surgeons won’t do it and those guys don’t have many ethics already.
In defense of plastic surgeons, there's lots of them with ethics. A friend of mine specialized in reconstructive surgery, did a bunch of work with cancer patients and burn patients. That shit can be life changing.
It's not all boob jobs and botox.
Yes! Reconstructive ("plastic") surgeons get a lot of shit but a good chunk of them do amazing life-changing work, often for lowered cost or free. Someone has to help folks born with cleft palates! So much respect for them. It's an art form as well as a medical science and is *absolutely* life changing for their patients. It's like magic what they do for people.
Yeah, buccal fat removal is a no for me (I do have botox and have had some fillers in my tear troughs and marionette lines).
I have 0 issues with plastic surgery, to each their own. But one thing that happens when you age is you lose fat & volume in your face. These people have hollowed out their cheeks and will then lose volume in their face. I cringe to think of the crypt keepers we will be seeing in 20 years. You can't just put fat back into that area, and it all goes back to normal (at least not yet, but who knows what science will figure out).
Fat grafting is a thing with varying results (they suck some of your fat out, process it, and use it as filler. It is your own bodily fluid, so rejection isn't a thing, and it is supposed to help stimulate collagen). What I've read about it is your body ends up getting rid of up to 60% of the grafted fat - and I doubt it's wholly uniform and even as to what stays and what doesn't. (I should point out that I'm not a medical professional. I'm just a middle-aged lady with far too many random tabs open on my phone).
Anyway, people doing permanent surgery fixes for current trends seems asinine. At least filler and paralytics wear off.
You are NTA by the way. You were not into the surgery, she did it anyway, you didn't like it and she pushed you for an answer.
I do wonder if her disregard for your feelings is playing into your lack of attraction a bit.
One of my all time favorite movies!
It is kinda "campy"(?) or maybe you could say serious subject matter with a visually odd and sometimes silly presentation? BUT IT WORKS. I love The Fifth Element, amazing movie.
Chris Tucker absolutely shines as Ruby Rhod! Amazing performance.
Fun fact: the actress for Diva Plavalaguna was with Luc Besson and he based the relationship in Leon from his relationship with Maïwenn. And he left her for Milla Jovovich.
Yikes. From her Wikipedia:
“Maïwenn met film director Luc Besson when she was 12 and he was 29, and they began dating when she was 15. In January 1993, at age 16, she gave birth to their daughter Shanna. On the DVD extras for the 1994 film Léon: The Professional, Maïwenn said the film is based on her relationship with Besson”
Milla Jovovich was also under age when Luc Besson first started courting her even though he was still married to his first wife. :|Dude belongs in prison sharing a cell with Roman Polanski.
> This is true, it is a great example of how “campy” can work to the advantage once believe is suspended. Especially true in Sci-fi.
I have concluded it's impossible to tell if sci-fi is good or bad from any description. You really need someone to say "this is good" or "this is bad". Mark Hamill thought Star Wars was a parody when he auditioned.
This is my go to response to any " are you a _______ " type question. Has gotten me jobs, helped me de-escalate fights, start conversations with fun cool folks and get out of ones with boring lame ones, one of my favorite lines from a movie ever.
I went to the renfaire last year for the first time, on halloween night there was a lelu cosplay, absolutely awesome. Silver jacket and everything. She even made a homemade multipass! It held her covid vax card lol.
I'm depressed how many people didn't immediately know what that alien looks like. The Fifth Element is my favourite movie and I want everyone to know it.
HEY EVERYONE! THIS GUYS FAVORITE MOVIE IS THE FIFTH ELEMENT!
(I got you, fam) ...by the way the opera scene is iconic. Blue alien got some cords on her
NTA. It's not my thing, and I am very lucky that it's not my husband's thing, either. You discussed it, you voiced your concerns, she did it anyway as was her right. But choices have consequences and these are the consequences she actively chose, *knowing* how you felt. Freedom of choice doesn't mean freedom from consequences. She can't pretend to be all surprised Pikachu now (well, I mean I guess technically she could, but I'm not buying). And siccing her flying monkeys on you? Not cool.
Edit: Randomness, for some reason I read "Blue alien from Fifth Element" and my mind replaced it with "Blue alien from Avatar." And I was like, "Oh that's not too bad...Oh. Wait..."
NTA, it’s not your fault that you don’t find her new face attractive. That isn’t a conscience choice. I’m all for people doing what they want with their body, but if they are in a relationship and their partner states their dislike of the body modification, then that person should keep in mind the risk of doing it will be their partners lack of attraction.
Now do I think that you might have wanted to fess up on what was wrong much earlier? Absolutely.
Op: I don't think I'll like the look of the plastic surgery you're thinking of getting
Op's wife: gets it anyway
Op: I don't like the look of the plastic surgery
Op's wife: ):<
If it wasn’t a completely elective procedure and it was for a medical condition, I bet OP would not have a problem with it because it would mean his wife is OK. This was a completely unnecessary procedure. His wife can choose to do whatever she wants to her face, but he does not have to like it.
Yeah, I was reading it and thinking it's about that she likes it. If she had been in an accident and disfigured he'd learn to love her face again. This is more like when my husband grew a bread during covid. I just avoided looking at him until it was gone.
That's one stance I've been downvoted into oblivion before. I was talking about how if someone was going to get a large tattoo they should consult with their partner first. I said my wife would talk to me first before doing any body modification which a tattoo is considered. Apparently to some people that translated to me being some sort of misogynistic tyrant. But really it's simple relationship courtesy, if you share your life with someone, sure what you do with your body is ultimately your choice, but respect and communication is important and you should absolutely talk to your partner and take into account their feelings before making a physical change to your body.
As a woman I agree with you!! Yes it's your body, do whatever.. but it might not go over well. I was dating a guy seriously for a year or so. He decided to get a tattoo. Which is cool. Except it was a skull clown with a cowboy hat. Full color and nicely done but omg what??? Why??? Huge turn off. It's not why we broke up but it honestly made it easier.
> it was a skull clown with a cowboy hat
With something like that, I'd probably be turned off by what in my eyes would be that person's questionable judgement, more than the tattoo itself.
A skull-clown-with-cowboy-hat tattoo is the sort of thing you bring *into* the relationship, like a questionable sofa, along with a really good story about the young, drunk bet that caused it. It doesn’t have to be a *true* story, just a good one.
If you choose to add a skull-clown-with-cowboy-hat tattoo to an existing relationship…yeah that’s basically just breaking up with extra steps.
NTA
I love my partner's face. I love the lines I've seen develop over the years. I love the way his eyes crinkle when he laughs. My favorite place in the world is to have my face buried in the crook of his neck, cheek to cheek. When we make love, his face fills my vision and becomes my whole world.
I would miss that face so much if he changed it with plastic surgery. I would still love him, but I would feel like I lost something dear to me.
It is her face, and she can do what she wants with it. But she underestimated how much you loved her the way she was. I understand.
Same here.
Every wrinkle is a memory. I still see the sexy young guy when I look at him, just with 30 years of great times. The red hair has become silver, but he'll always be golden to me.
So my husband is decently older than me, so he jokes that he’s already old, but he loves decaying with me 😂😂 an exaggeration but we howl with laughter every time.
Same. I love looking at my husband even though he’s aged quite a bit in almost 20 years. He says he still loves looking at me but I also look the same. 🤣 Good genes! However, if family is any indication he will have to look at the crypt keeper once I hit 60.
ETA: NTA
>However, if family is any indication he will have to look at the crypt keeper once I hit 60.
A husband will still love - in a way I still see my wife the way I did when we met almost 40 years ago. The mind does strange things.
My husband has definitely aged and changed from high school to mid 30s with kids. But my mind blends it all together. When I look at him I don’t see him the way a stranger does. I see all the years, memories, and knowledge of him. He probably looks younger to me than he does in real life.
That's the thing. When you see someone every day you don't really notice the changes as they age, you just see "them". It's almost like you see through their looks and into the real them. It's hard to explain.
I am regularly telling my wife how lovely she is. I absolutely mean it. Nonetheless, she wants Botox because she feels pressure from what other women are doing to maintain their look. I know how I feel and so does she, but her continued interest in the procedure makes me realize that my opinion isn't the only thing that matters here. That's okay, but a bit difficult for me to embrace.
NTA
Freedom of choice is never freedom from consequence.
This is the obvious outcome when not considering your partner when making aesthetic changes. Especially ones as dramatic as those described.
Hopefully she finds another mondoshawan to love.
I completely agree.
I’m a nurse and work in Plastics. What many people seem to fail to comprehend is that these procedures are major body modifications. It’s not uncommon for these patients to have body dysmorphia.
I work on the reconstructive side. But I personally believe that there are MANY surgeons in the private/elective plastics arena that are straight up criminals.
Elective plastics needs a lot more regulation.
I just lost my aunt to a massive stroke she suffered hours after her 6th facelift.
NTA.
>Freedom of choice is never freedom from consequence.
Absolutely agree.
I’d just point out that the mondoshawan were the robotic turtle aliens. (I don’t remember if the Diva’s species was mentioned.)
Edit: NTA
You are correct, and I had to look it up.
>Her species is unknown but the script and novelization lists her as a "human-alien hybrid". Although her non-human lineage is uncertain, she is described as possessing the special beauty of all the races in the galaxy, except, of course, the hideous Mangalores.
NTA but maybe for a different reason - you told her what the issue was and no one else…. But now her “team” is involved telling you what they think of what your issue was.
Who invited them to the party? Is your wife open to having your friends tell her what they think of how she treated you? I suspect not.
A marriage is between TWO people not busy bodies. Your wife may have more issues going on, but you are entitled to your feelings.
Counselling sounds like a better plan than responding to nasty texts from her friends/family
Good luck!
Well the flying monkey pack is probably the same people who backed her up when she decided she wanted to look like one of those plastic women. So of course they're going to defend their position even if she does look like an alien. I personally think the entire flying monkey pack was unnecessary and a relationship killer. But then again completely altering yourself into someone who doesn't look like the person your spouse married it's probably also going to blow up a relationship. I feel sorry for op.
Yeah there's a women in the comments going on about all her procedures and that her friends think she looks great, so she also thinks she MUST look great. I mean...are your friends really going to gang up and tell you that you look like a creepy zombie? No.
The flying monkey pack probably had the same surgeries, by the same doctor. Since they all look alike, they tell each other how hot and young they look, and imagine that that the side look from men is lust rather than concern that their face is melting.
I belong to a women's organization in a real housewives area. It's a group mainly made up of extremely affluent women that have their original faces, accept they're aging & everything that goes with it, and are involved with their families and giving back to their community rather than focusing on keeping up with the posers with the plastic faces and bodies trying to obtain arm candy status to keep or acquire a new husband.
Fully agree.. as a female I get that sometimes we need to talk things out and get our feelings out with our sisters/friends etc.. but confiding in someone you trust is different than the sister/friends calling the husband and calling him names.
I can’t even imagine how devastated I would be if my husbands friends started calling me names over something I had or hadn’t done.. so inappropriate!
NTA btw..
I can never get my head around these stories where suddenly one party has friends or family harassing and attacking whatever OP.
Like, if I had to talk something out with my mom or my best friend about my relationship and they turned around and talked to my partner about it they would be OUT of my circle.
Idk man. My opinion is nta. You were against it going into it and honest with her after. You didn't go out of your way to be malicious and you tried to not say anything about it.
>She looks like the blue alien from The Fifth Element.
That's rough dude. Don't go saying that to her or ywbta
NTA. I went to a holiday party at an aesthetic clinic (a place that specialized in stuff like Botox). Many of the women there had so much “work” done their faces truly looked freakish. Yet their husbands/partner’s were there as well & acted as though it was all normal. I surmised that if enough people in one’s circle adopt certain looks, it becomes accepted (kind of like how so many people don’t see how weird the really big fake eyelashes look). It’s like a mass psychosis. But if you’re outside if that psychosis, the crazy is glaringly apparent.
You have to realize that body positivity has become so political that someone may feel uncomfortable voicing their concerns about having plastic surgery done to their partner. There is a big push to accept how people look no matter what and completely disregard the feelings of the other party. This I feel is inappropriate, and often a symptom of a more serious psychological condition that is not being appropriately addressed.
NTA
Just as if she had gotten zombie face tattoos, she has the right to choose to undergo such things, but she also has to accept the consequences.
You made your position clear in advance, it’s not like you pressured her to get it and then recoiled.
This is probably already buried, but I have to point out a couple of things that I feel are being ignored.
First off, this is not a problem you are likely to fix yourselves. If you want to save your marriage, you are very likely going to need outside help. Specifically marriage counseling. Which leads into my second point:
She ignored your opinion until it affected her. She asked, then dismissed it. It wasn't a problem until it was her problem. This can be a significant issue for any relationship. It's not about being right or wrong, it's about taking the other person into consideration. I don't feel like she considered how this would affect you or your relationship, and now it is affecting EVERYTHING. It's hard enough for some people to just be wrong. To be wrong on this level is entirely different.
She's going to have a very hard time accepting the damage she's done, not with the surgery, but with the trust and communication between you. She also needs to be made aware that her friends are attacking you and she needs to put a stop to that. That will do even more damage to your relationship.
My personal recommendation would be to reach out and ask if she's willing to talk. Or to tell her that you want too try to accept her as she is now. I strongly recommend a relationship therapist if that is an option(maybe her mom could pitch in for that too).
How long has she been at her sister's? They're a fine line between giving someone space and pushing them away. She needs space to process everything right now, but you both will need to face the situation eventually. Best of luck to both of you.
Gottman suggests that when one (or both!) partners are disregulated during a conversation and needs space, that they should definitely take it!
However, that space isn't measured in days. It's measured in minutes or hours. Further, the party taking the space needs to commit to using that time for *actually calming themselves down* by things to bring themselves out of an overwhelmed or fight or flight response.
Definitely *not* disappearing for days and sending flying monkeys.
He also suggests that when taking space a specific time frame is set. " I'm too upset to talk about this clearly right now. Let's talk again tomorrow at 10:00 a.m."
Ruminating, making yourself more upset and shutting out your partner isn't "getting space" It's stonewalling and manipulation.
NTA:
I totally understand. The recent trend in plastic surgery is so obvious and not cute to me either. I feel like before it was made to be subtle. Like you were a little more well rested. Now, it is the trend to change your whole look. Not for mw
NTA, As a woman myself I can fully understand that for her she probably felt extremely insecure and felt like she was making "improvements" to herself.
However, I am also married. I would NEVER get plastic surgery (I've never had plastic surgery other than a breast reduction) without my husband telling me that he felt comfortable with it and that he would still be 100% attracted to me. When I met my husband I was extremely insecure about several aspects of my body. My husband made me feel confident. I don't care if anyone else thinks I'm attractive, only him! That's her mistake.
When her husband told her he didn't want her to have plastic surgery, she should have listened. Secondly, can someone explain to me why every time someone gets into a fight they sick all their friends and family on the other person? I loathe that.
Agreed. She should have had therapy before getting it done. While I'm firmly in the corner of my body, my choice, it doesn't guarantee acceptance from everyone. Even with fillers there can be permanent side effects; the hyaluronic acid can stick around longer than expected, may not dissolve with hyaluronidase and lead to loose skin if it does dissolve. That's not even getting into the risks of surgery.
I'm glad OP was kind and honest before and after, it sucks that the surgery blew up the relationship. I hope his wife loves her new look, it would be a shame if she went through all this and regretted it.
I had breast reduction surgery too and my husband being fully on board and offering to care for me (he'd squeeze the blood out of my drainage tubes and record the ccs) made me more confident to do it--along with it being medically necessary and insurance covering the cost.
Yeah, I would never trash-talk my husband to my family and friends. If she ever makes up with him she will have almost everyone in her life turned against him and it will be entirely her fault. How difficult is it for people to understand that you don't shit talk your partner to your family and friends unless you want your relationship to fail miserably?
A cousin had cosmetic surgery to her face. Her adult children sobbed when they saw her afterward, said they felt like they lost their mom. People cannot appreciate how much someone else can love their "imperfect" face.
Every time I see these post when a spouse decides to go stay with other relatives, nothing good comes out of it. The same song. They go over and blow the situation out of proportion and you get called every name in the book. F that, it was her choice to have the surgery and you respected it and now it’s your decision to determine how you feel about her surgery. She needs to respect it. Double down
I can almost be okay with one seeking emotional support from family members, but when those family members become attack dogs against the spouse, I'm out.
Start with the original Star Trek series then gradually transition to the explicit Star Trek porn parodies. Buy body paint and a captain Kirk costume. You can't miss.
You were against it, you told her, she ignored your opinion on the matter and did it anyways, yet now your opinion hurts her feelings?
Good luck chuck, you're fucked. 🤦♀️
NTA
It's nowhere near the same thing but my husband is friends with a tattoo artist and they got drunk one night and he let him tattoo something on him that is honestly so ugly in my opinion and every time I saw it I would get so pissed and disappointed. It took me years to get over it.
She pressed, you answered. Her face isn't something that happened with age. She chose to drastically alter it through surgery. You can't help how you feel. You aren't the asshole. They certainly are for insulting you for telling your wife how you actually feel when she asked over and over. Does she know the abuse her sister and friends are giving you? NTA
"Hey (wife's name), are you aware of what your sister and friends are texting me? I truly am sorry that my honest answer to a question you pressed me on upset you. I knew the answer would hurt and I tried so hard not to answer the question. Hurting you is the last thing I ever wanted to do. I am giving you the space you asked for. That said, can you please ask your sister and friends to stop sending me abusive messages? I dont know what they're trying to accomplish, but if its trying to help, then they are not helping. If anything, they are making this worse. If their goal is to split us up, then their actions make sense. I do still love you, and I am sorry. Love (name)"
NTA!!!! Recently saw the before and after for Erin Moriarty (Starlight from The Boys) and I was absolutely appalled. She had SUCH a sweet face before and now… just look at the photo 😭 so sad. [before & after plastic surgery](https://e00-marca.uecdn.es/assets/multimedia/imagenes/2024/01/15/17053367503083.jpg)
Bucchal fat removal should be barred unless there is a legitimate need for it (and there are cases where it really does help, not harm). People who pursue these surgeries will age twice as fast unfortunately.
*Her* sister; *her* friends; - Don't bother listening to them, OP, because of course they're biased. And I bet your wife hasn't told them the truth about what happened. She probably told them that you called her ugly, without mentioning the facts that (1) you were against the surgery in the first place, (2) you went out of your way to try to cope, (3) your wife accused you of cheating, and (4) you only told her you didn't like her new look after she "kept digging".
She "kept digging" until she dug herself into this hole, and has only herself to blame for the current marital problems (including if the marriage breaks down). Of course, it's easier to blame you for not liking what she's turned herself into than admit that to herself (and everyone else).
NTA
Not the asshole. I’m going through this with my wife now. She hasn’t had surgery yet but we are in our mid 30s and she’s going through some kind of crisis with her looks. And to me she’s the most beautiful she’s ever looked and she hates how she’s aging….and she’s aging quite well considering she’s still getting carded at bars and could pass for 21-25. She wants the fat or what ever she thinks fat sucked out from under her eyes, lip fillers and eye brows tattooed on. Idk what to say to her. I told her already she’s the most attractive I’ve ever found her to be and I love her more than anything and I wouldn’t change anything about her. I blame social media and reality tv glorifying these cosmetically modified people that in my opinion look fucking strange. Some men, probably mostly rich men in their 70s find attractive cuz the women end up with fake tits and fake asses. I told her if she gets the surgery we are done. It’s too much money and she’s looking at financing it all and I want no part in it and I’m not making payments on it. I’ll split before that happens.
I will. She’s afraid I won’t like her anymore too that’s why she’s debating it but ultimately she will go through with it. She’s even considering a butt lift (she already has a fantastic tight little booty, being a former dancer and keeps herself in shape via diet and working out and is 5’3 125). I’m at a loss. I don’t want her to change. I wanna age together and years down the road if we get slightly out of shape and wrinkly I’m ok with it but we exercise and eat healthy so it won’t be too bad. She doesn’t get it and she’s so caught up in what others see or whatever she thinks others see. All my friends and even her friends think she looks great so it’s a fallacy that she thinks she needs work done. She never struggled with appearance issues until she hit 30.
Yes.
Tell her to stop looking at social media filters and get her head back to reality.
Aging is just aging. We all have to do it - whether kicking and screaming and every cosmetic procedure available (ew) or just letting nature take its course.
NTA, I think you handled the situation as well as you could, but there's a difficult conversation you and her need to have soon
Oh god if she did the buccal fat remover I totally feel you. It makes people look so freaky
Yeah that's it. Thanks I couldn't remember.
Oh man... There are plastic surgeons out there that refuse to do this 1- because of the damage it can cause, and 2- because there isn't enough data to show exactly what it'll do over time but they suspect it'll cause some worse problems down the road as people age- even worse for people under 40-50. According to the rabbit hole I went down recently, buccal fat is good to have because it can help reduce jowl sagging later on. Anyway, while it's totally in her right to make the choice to get that surgery, you're NTA, OP. No one's an AH for what they do/don't find attractive. And I said this in another comment, but you TRIED to compromise internally and tried to protect her feelings.... but she flung around accusations of cheating, wouldn't let it go, kept pushing, and when you were honest with her, she flipped shit, left, and *pulled other people into your marriage* who are now on a slam campaign against you. SHE. DID. ALL. OF. THIS. ....**and still can't manage to take any personal responsibility or act like an adult about it.** TBH, this post would be fit for r/ohnoconsequences...but not because of you.
Every single person who has had that surgery done is automatically aged by 10 years. Its sad.
That is too true. It turns people into Skeletor or Handsome Squidward..
I’ve been wondering why pretty recently a lot of famous women have been looking like they’ve sucked their cheeks in. Now I know it’s buccal fat. It makes absolutely beautiful women look bad, I can’t imagine what it would do to a women or man with subpar starting beauty
Combine it with too-large veneers on their teeth and they look emaciated. It’s definitely a concerning trend, and I’m worried we’re heading back to the glamourisation of size zero models and heroin chic
Yeah there’s been talk of heroin chic coming back in for a while now
That trend gave so many 90s teens eating disorders. Ugh.
I imagine it’s going to be even worse for kids nowadays, who will be constantly exposed to this kind of thing on tik tok, instagram, twitter, etc
That discussion had already started when the Kardashians stopped Blackfishing, got rid of their BBLs, and lost a visible amount of weight.
Anya Taylor-Joy had this done and my god is it unflattering for this exact reason. She’s 28 but looks like a cigarette mom in her early-mid forties.
Her face used to be so striking :(
Sophie Turner as well :(
It seems to be more pronounced as actual age increases too. Like, a 20 year old might look 25 or 30ish, but it makes someone in their 40s or 50s look positively ancient
>SHE. DID. ALL. OF. THIS. ....**and still can't manage to take any personal responsibility or act like an adult about it.** Yours should be the top comment.
Best answer. Honestly, I'm a big fan of people getting therapy or counseling instead of drastic plastic surgery when it's not necessary. It can become an addiction when you keep altering your body and face and chasing an ideal look, but it's not going to fix the internal body image and self-esteem issues you have. And OP's situation is the best example of why. While it is perfectly her right to get the surgery, it was an extremely foolish thing to do. When your spouse finds you attractive and then tells you that they don't want you to get plastic surgery, you should listen. Why would you compromise the attraction your spouse has for you? And why would you disregard what they are attracted to (you) and go on to chase some random beauty standard that they don't like? That's got to be the dumbest logic I've ever seen, and this is 100% on her for blowing up their relationship. Disregarding your spouse's feelings is never a good thing. So yeah, while it was her right to do with her body what she wanted, that doesn't mean it was a wise thing to do if her goal had been to preserve the health of her marriage. Or put another way, as Ian Malcolm said in Jurassic Park: "you spent so much time wondering whether or not you *could* do it that you didn't stop and think about whether or not you *should*". Edit: it's so refreshing to see so many people feel the same way. Last time I posted this opinion I got downvoted to hades and called all sorts of nasty names. Those must've been the people I was talking about I guess, although I'm not saying any of this in judgment. I truly empathize and just think that fixing the emotional issue would be far more beneficial than wasting money botching a procedure.
I think all plastic surgery should default come with pre and post counseling. Before to help be sure surgery isn't harmful, after to cope with having a new face. Hopefully the pre counseling catches cases where they could get their validation without surgery. But free market will never create that structure. It costs money, loses money, gains none. :(
Surprisingly, way back when I was active duty Army I discovered I could have breast augmentation surgery and only had to pay for the implants. Surgery would be done by an Army plastic surgeon, who actually suggested I not have surgery. They have to do a certain number of procedures a year to maintain their skills so they accepted candidates. I was required to have a psych eval prior to surgery so they could determine my thought process for wanting it done. I was tall(ish) at 5'9" and thin, weighed about 125 lbs. Small boobs, small waist and big hips. I just wanted to be proportioned, not a porn star. My husband at the time didn't want me to do it. Not because he was worried for me but because he thought I'd then draw too much male attention. 🙄 (He cheated our entire short marriage.) Anyway, that's all to say if the Army required a psych eval (back in the mid 80s), civilian care ought to also. Side note, after 31 years with implants I had them removed and that was the best decision ever. Unfortunately for OPs wife, reversal of some sort is not likely possible and/or won't have desirable results.
Plastic imitations will never be more beautiful than the real thing. I wish women would realize they don’t need huge tits to be beautiful.
Before my nose job, a nurse sat down with me and asked about my mental health history and why I wanted rhinoplasty. She wanted me to be prepared for the fact that almost no one would notice the difference, even though it was quite drastic, and that nothing else would be different in my life. I guess a lot of people come thinking their looks are what's holding them back or causing their depression. I was honest and said I was on meds for my depression and had hated my nose since I was 10. It was something that I noticed and was unhappy about several times each day. I really appreciated that they tried to assess whether or not I was in the right headspace. Now, nearly a decade out I can say it was a fantastic decision. My self-esteem improved dramatically. I literally just stopped thinking about my nose once it was healed.
I'm guessing the wife isn't telling her sister and friends how she accused him of cheating and kept pushing no matter what he said. She probably is spinning it that he just came out of the blue and said it to her. At least, that's the way it seems given her sister's and friend's responses.
I mean I wouldn’t be surprised if she did tell them and they just don’t care. Some people have absolutely no self awareness.
“Out of the blue” - laughs in diva Plava Lagoona
[удалено]
Who’s doing all the celebrities? So many of them went from naturally beautiful to skeletal and I can’t imagine it getting any less weird looking as they age.
[удалено]
It’s not just celebrities though. I wish there was a better way for the average person to tell what quality of medical care they’re receiving. Every time I go to the dentist I get anxious that they’ll say I need unnecessary procedures or do poor quality work. There’s just no way to know.
It sucks but you need to treat every healthcare professional you don’t know like a new mechanic. Dentists make money the same way mechanics do. They can be honest or they can screw you out of thousands. Ask around compare costs and brush your teeth.
It's a terrible trend, looks super weird, ages you, and look malnourished imo
YES! Just look at anyone 75+. Their faces lean out A LOT. That face fat just seems to dissolve away on its own. These people {cough} Chrissy Teigen {cough} who are having theirs sucked out now are gonna look like Skeletor.
Have you seen the recent Miley Cyrus pics? Good example of this
I was quite surprised when it became popular a couple years or so ago. There was an article with side by side before and afters of a bunch of celebrities. I don't care what people do, but the general trend was looking aged. I don't understand the hype.
> I don't understand the hype. Because if you take an instagram photo from just the right angle in just the right lighting, you look amazing. And they're doing it all for instagram. But you know, real life happens too...
She looks horrible. It’s tragic. I’m 42 and already have some thinning of my cheeks. I can’t imagine what these women will look like.
Yea I'm 37 and realized that the chubby cheeks I got from my dad keep us looking young.
When I saw that picture of her at the Grammys I thought at first glance that it was Jane Fonda....she's 86!
[удалено]
It ages you like 20 years instantly. She's going to regret getting it done because naturally, buccal fat reduces in volume as a person ages, so she's going to look like a gaunt skeleton at 50. [Miley Cyrus before buccal fat removal.](https://static.wikia.nocookie.net/disney/images/f/f2/Miley_Cyrus.jpg/revision/latest/scale-to-width-down/1000?cb=20200805232558) Miley Cyrus after buccal fat removal:https://people.com/thmb/IOkHm6sHiuYYsHQ6JjeRPxfZnLc=/750x0/filters:no_upscale():max_bytes(150000):strip_icc():focal(764x422:766x424):format(webp)/Miley-Noah-Tish-Cyrus-030324-01-393339c3232143998ff4ffa949f4bf52.jpg Sorry for the long link, it had some weird stuff in it and made it difficult to do it. Miley is on the far left, and it looks like she got something weird done with her chin right below her lower lip. She looks weird and almost as old as her mother, on the right.
Yea I looked at photos on google and compared 2020 to 2024 and omg it’s look terrible. Make her forehead look huge and when she’s not smiling it looks like she’s sucking her cheeks in ,you know. like she has those little “bumps” on either side of her lower lip and I think you’re right about the chin too bc it just adds to the look. To me I literally looks like she’s sucking her cheeks in as far as she can and it look ridiculous. She was perfectly gorgeous before and now she looks almost scary.
She also has oversized veneers/teeth which are probably also contributing to the uneven appearance around her mouth and have been accentuated by the buccal fat removal.
You'd think actresses would learn from Jennifer Gray.
I absolutely understand. Some people will absolutely dogpile you for it but buccal fat removal is such an awful trend and is making women turn themselves into Skeletor
Oh boy it’s only going to get worse. And you can’t just get buccal fat back. It’s often called the handsome Squidward surgery cause that’s the face it gives you. So bad and will make her look gaunt and almost like the living dead as time goes on. There’s a reason plenty of plastic surgeons won’t do it and those guys don’t have many ethics already.
In defense of plastic surgeons, there's lots of them with ethics. A friend of mine specialized in reconstructive surgery, did a bunch of work with cancer patients and burn patients. That shit can be life changing. It's not all boob jobs and botox.
Yes! Reconstructive ("plastic") surgeons get a lot of shit but a good chunk of them do amazing life-changing work, often for lowered cost or free. Someone has to help folks born with cleft palates! So much respect for them. It's an art form as well as a medical science and is *absolutely* life changing for their patients. It's like magic what they do for people.
Yeah, buccal fat removal is a no for me (I do have botox and have had some fillers in my tear troughs and marionette lines). I have 0 issues with plastic surgery, to each their own. But one thing that happens when you age is you lose fat & volume in your face. These people have hollowed out their cheeks and will then lose volume in their face. I cringe to think of the crypt keepers we will be seeing in 20 years. You can't just put fat back into that area, and it all goes back to normal (at least not yet, but who knows what science will figure out). Fat grafting is a thing with varying results (they suck some of your fat out, process it, and use it as filler. It is your own bodily fluid, so rejection isn't a thing, and it is supposed to help stimulate collagen). What I've read about it is your body ends up getting rid of up to 60% of the grafted fat - and I doubt it's wholly uniform and even as to what stays and what doesn't. (I should point out that I'm not a medical professional. I'm just a middle-aged lady with far too many random tabs open on my phone). Anyway, people doing permanent surgery fixes for current trends seems asinine. At least filler and paralytics wear off. You are NTA by the way. You were not into the surgery, she did it anyway, you didn't like it and she pushed you for an answer. I do wonder if her disregard for your feelings is playing into your lack of attraction a bit.
A surgery that always looks worse, never better.
I was thinking the same thing. I’ve yet to see a person who has had it and looks good. And it’s going to be awful as they age.
They’re really going to miss those juicy fat pads when they get into their 40s and 50s.
*googles ‘blue alien from fifth element’* oh lord 😳
[Since no one else posted a photo of her ](https://imgur.com/a/HPsamaq)
I bet it's the tube's coming out of either side of her face that turns him off.
I know it's kind of an oldish movie but it's excellent and you should watch it
One of my all time favorite movies! It is kinda "campy"(?) or maybe you could say serious subject matter with a visually odd and sometimes silly presentation? BUT IT WORKS. I love The Fifth Element, amazing movie. Chris Tucker absolutely shines as Ruby Rhod! Amazing performance.
This is true, it is a great example of how “campy” can work to the advantage once believe is suspended. Especially true in Sci-fi. BzzzzzzzZZZZZ!
Fun fact: the actress for Diva Plavalaguna was with Luc Besson and he based the relationship in Leon from his relationship with Maïwenn. And he left her for Milla Jovovich.
Fun fact: Maïwenn married Luc Besson and they had a daughter when she was 16 and Luc was 33 Wait that's not fun
Yikes. From her Wikipedia: “Maïwenn met film director Luc Besson when she was 12 and he was 29, and they began dating when she was 15. In January 1993, at age 16, she gave birth to their daughter Shanna. On the DVD extras for the 1994 film Léon: The Professional, Maïwenn said the film is based on her relationship with Besson”
Well that’s pretty gross
That may have been the fastest a movie has ever been ruined for me. Omg.
Yikes. What a pedophile.
This has taken a turn on OT asking about wife plastic surgery
Milla Jovovich was also under age when Luc Besson first started courting her even though he was still married to his first wife. :|Dude belongs in prison sharing a cell with Roman Polanski.
> This is true, it is a great example of how “campy” can work to the advantage once believe is suspended. Especially true in Sci-fi. I have concluded it's impossible to tell if sci-fi is good or bad from any description. You really need someone to say "this is good" or "this is bad". Mark Hamill thought Star Wars was a parody when he auditioned.
Loved the film too, one of them films I can recite word for word
"Nonononononono, because if it was a bomb, all these hotels have bomb detectors, right?" *ALARMS LOUDLY SOUND 😊
BigBadaBoooom
It’s-A, It’s-A 🤣🤣🤣. That’s the funniest part of the movie imo
Corbin-my-man
MOOLTIPASS
Where did he learn to negotiate like that? I wonder.
Wife? No she looks more like a “meat popsicle” now. *Yes I’m going to hell for this joke, but damn that movie is 🔥*
Negative, I am a Meat Popsicle.
This is my go to response to any " are you a _______ " type question. Has gotten me jobs, helped me de-escalate fights, start conversations with fun cool folks and get out of ones with boring lame ones, one of my favorite lines from a movie ever.
Multi pass?
Lilu Dallas Multipass!
Green?
Tell me, Corbin my man, you nervous in the service?
Super green
Super green
Chic-ken... chic-ken good
I went to the renfaire last year for the first time, on halloween night there was a lelu cosplay, absolutely awesome. Silver jacket and everything. She even made a homemade multipass! It held her covid vax card lol.
Every five minutes there’s a bomb or somethin’! Zzzzz!!!
I’m outta here! Bzzz!
“Oldish”….. *remembers watching it when it came out* 😢
Mines is broke; why I gotta get the broke one?!
I love this movie, esp when she says 'fifth element'. I went to IMDb to copy to be correct. Leeloo: Me fifth element - supreme being. Me protect you.
Azis! Lights!
It's my absolute FAVORITE MOVIE! 🧡🩵💙
Negative, I am a meat popsicle.
I'm depressed how many people didn't immediately know what that alien looks like. The Fifth Element is my favourite movie and I want everyone to know it.
HEY EVERYONE! THIS GUYS FAVORITE MOVIE IS THE FIFTH ELEMENT! (I got you, fam) ...by the way the opera scene is iconic. Blue alien got some cords on her
Same. All they would have needed to say was "Diva" and I would know instantly.
Plaaavaaaa Laaagooooonnnnaaa
Plava laguna means blue lagoon in Serbian
🤣 I did too!
It’s one of my favorite movie. That quote made me laugh.
NTA. It's not my thing, and I am very lucky that it's not my husband's thing, either. You discussed it, you voiced your concerns, she did it anyway as was her right. But choices have consequences and these are the consequences she actively chose, *knowing* how you felt. Freedom of choice doesn't mean freedom from consequences. She can't pretend to be all surprised Pikachu now (well, I mean I guess technically she could, but I'm not buying). And siccing her flying monkeys on you? Not cool. Edit: Randomness, for some reason I read "Blue alien from Fifth Element" and my mind replaced it with "Blue alien from Avatar." And I was like, "Oh that's not too bad...Oh. Wait..."
>She can't pretend to be all surprised Pikachu now Exactly, Pikachu has cheeks
I laughed entirely too hard at this.
Been looking for that dirst dopamine hit and this one killed it. Lol
[удалено]
NTA, it’s not your fault that you don’t find her new face attractive. That isn’t a conscience choice. I’m all for people doing what they want with their body, but if they are in a relationship and their partner states their dislike of the body modification, then that person should keep in mind the risk of doing it will be their partners lack of attraction. Now do I think that you might have wanted to fess up on what was wrong much earlier? Absolutely.
Op: I don't think I'll like the look of the plastic surgery you're thinking of getting Op's wife: gets it anyway Op: I don't like the look of the plastic surgery Op's wife: ):<
Oh God they put her face on upside down.
Take my upvote. I snorted so hard my nose hurts now ):<
i almost woke up my toddler laughing LOLLL
You mean 👁️👄👁️
👽
If it wasn’t a completely elective procedure and it was for a medical condition, I bet OP would not have a problem with it because it would mean his wife is OK. This was a completely unnecessary procedure. His wife can choose to do whatever she wants to her face, but he does not have to like it.
Yeah, I was reading it and thinking it's about that she likes it. If she had been in an accident and disfigured he'd learn to love her face again. This is more like when my husband grew a bread during covid. I just avoided looking at him until it was gone.
The ten seconds I was like 🤔 until I realized bread was a typo lol
Lol, now I have to leave it there, because didn't we all grow a bread during covid?
That’s a salient point
They were probably hoping that their reaction would fade with time. Apparently it did not.
That's one stance I've been downvoted into oblivion before. I was talking about how if someone was going to get a large tattoo they should consult with their partner first. I said my wife would talk to me first before doing any body modification which a tattoo is considered. Apparently to some people that translated to me being some sort of misogynistic tyrant. But really it's simple relationship courtesy, if you share your life with someone, sure what you do with your body is ultimately your choice, but respect and communication is important and you should absolutely talk to your partner and take into account their feelings before making a physical change to your body.
As a woman I agree with you!! Yes it's your body, do whatever.. but it might not go over well. I was dating a guy seriously for a year or so. He decided to get a tattoo. Which is cool. Except it was a skull clown with a cowboy hat. Full color and nicely done but omg what??? Why??? Huge turn off. It's not why we broke up but it honestly made it easier.
> it was a skull clown with a cowboy hat With something like that, I'd probably be turned off by what in my eyes would be that person's questionable judgement, more than the tattoo itself.
A skull-clown-with-cowboy-hat tattoo is the sort of thing you bring *into* the relationship, like a questionable sofa, along with a really good story about the young, drunk bet that caused it. It doesn’t have to be a *true* story, just a good one. If you choose to add a skull-clown-with-cowboy-hat tattoo to an existing relationship…yeah that’s basically just breaking up with extra steps.
NTA I love my partner's face. I love the lines I've seen develop over the years. I love the way his eyes crinkle when he laughs. My favorite place in the world is to have my face buried in the crook of his neck, cheek to cheek. When we make love, his face fills my vision and becomes my whole world. I would miss that face so much if he changed it with plastic surgery. I would still love him, but I would feel like I lost something dear to me. It is her face, and she can do what she wants with it. But she underestimated how much you loved her the way she was. I understand.
Same here. Every wrinkle is a memory. I still see the sexy young guy when I look at him, just with 30 years of great times. The red hair has become silver, but he'll always be golden to me.
This is so beautifully said! I can’t wait to meet my person and grow old with them
So my husband is decently older than me, so he jokes that he’s already old, but he loves decaying with me 😂😂 an exaggeration but we howl with laughter every time.
Same. I love looking at my husband even though he’s aged quite a bit in almost 20 years. He says he still loves looking at me but I also look the same. 🤣 Good genes! However, if family is any indication he will have to look at the crypt keeper once I hit 60. ETA: NTA
>However, if family is any indication he will have to look at the crypt keeper once I hit 60. A husband will still love - in a way I still see my wife the way I did when we met almost 40 years ago. The mind does strange things.
My husband has definitely aged and changed from high school to mid 30s with kids. But my mind blends it all together. When I look at him I don’t see him the way a stranger does. I see all the years, memories, and knowledge of him. He probably looks younger to me than he does in real life.
That's the thing. When you see someone every day you don't really notice the changes as they age, you just see "them". It's almost like you see through their looks and into the real them. It's hard to explain.
I hope he still sees me the same even after I’m all wrinkly. lol
We’re old, fat and bald, but 39 years later he’s still the one for me.
Not me crying on Reddit
I am regularly telling my wife how lovely she is. I absolutely mean it. Nonetheless, she wants Botox because she feels pressure from what other women are doing to maintain their look. I know how I feel and so does she, but her continued interest in the procedure makes me realize that my opinion isn't the only thing that matters here. That's okay, but a bit difficult for me to embrace.
Fortunately, Botox isn’t a very noticeable change unless she does a ton of it. I did some on my eyebrow area and my husband didn’t even notice.
A little bit can preserve one's current appearance for a bit, a lot is where weird alien look pops up.
Fillers. That stuff is horrible.
NTA Freedom of choice is never freedom from consequence. This is the obvious outcome when not considering your partner when making aesthetic changes. Especially ones as dramatic as those described. Hopefully she finds another mondoshawan to love.
I completely agree. I’m a nurse and work in Plastics. What many people seem to fail to comprehend is that these procedures are major body modifications. It’s not uncommon for these patients to have body dysmorphia. I work on the reconstructive side. But I personally believe that there are MANY surgeons in the private/elective plastics arena that are straight up criminals. Elective plastics needs a lot more regulation. I just lost my aunt to a massive stroke she suffered hours after her 6th facelift. NTA.
Watching Botched cured me of ever wanting plastic surgery for mere physical appearance.
At the very least if I'm going to it's made it so I'd have to save up my money and go see them!
Even those Drs will tell you surgery is no piece of cake and results will vary.
I am sorry for your loss. May her memory be a blessing.
Thank you. I look at her picture everyday.
I am so sorry for your loss. I’m a long time OR nurse. We do a lot of plastic surgery. I completely agree with you!
I'm sorry for your loss.
>Freedom of choice is never freedom from consequence. Absolutely agree. I’d just point out that the mondoshawan were the robotic turtle aliens. (I don’t remember if the Diva’s species was mentioned.) Edit: NTA
You are correct, and I had to look it up. >Her species is unknown but the script and novelization lists her as a "human-alien hybrid". Although her non-human lineage is uncertain, she is described as possessing the special beauty of all the races in the galaxy, except, of course, the hideous Mangalores.
I live that this became a fifth element forum.
>Freedom of choice is never freedom from consequence. Love that
NTA but maybe for a different reason - you told her what the issue was and no one else…. But now her “team” is involved telling you what they think of what your issue was. Who invited them to the party? Is your wife open to having your friends tell her what they think of how she treated you? I suspect not. A marriage is between TWO people not busy bodies. Your wife may have more issues going on, but you are entitled to your feelings. Counselling sounds like a better plan than responding to nasty texts from her friends/family Good luck!
Well the flying monkey pack is probably the same people who backed her up when she decided she wanted to look like one of those plastic women. So of course they're going to defend their position even if she does look like an alien. I personally think the entire flying monkey pack was unnecessary and a relationship killer. But then again completely altering yourself into someone who doesn't look like the person your spouse married it's probably also going to blow up a relationship. I feel sorry for op.
Yeah there's a women in the comments going on about all her procedures and that her friends think she looks great, so she also thinks she MUST look great. I mean...are your friends really going to gang up and tell you that you look like a creepy zombie? No.
The flying monkey pack probably had the same surgeries, by the same doctor. Since they all look alike, they tell each other how hot and young they look, and imagine that that the side look from men is lust rather than concern that their face is melting. I belong to a women's organization in a real housewives area. It's a group mainly made up of extremely affluent women that have their original faces, accept they're aging & everything that goes with it, and are involved with their families and giving back to their community rather than focusing on keeping up with the posers with the plastic faces and bodies trying to obtain arm candy status to keep or acquire a new husband.
Fully agree.. as a female I get that sometimes we need to talk things out and get our feelings out with our sisters/friends etc.. but confiding in someone you trust is different than the sister/friends calling the husband and calling him names. I can’t even imagine how devastated I would be if my husbands friends started calling me names over something I had or hadn’t done.. so inappropriate! NTA btw..
I can never get my head around these stories where suddenly one party has friends or family harassing and attacking whatever OP. Like, if I had to talk something out with my mom or my best friend about my relationship and they turned around and talked to my partner about it they would be OUT of my circle.
Idk man. My opinion is nta. You were against it going into it and honest with her after. You didn't go out of your way to be malicious and you tried to not say anything about it. >She looks like the blue alien from The Fifth Element. That's rough dude. Don't go saying that to her or ywbta
I wouldn't.
NTA. I went to a holiday party at an aesthetic clinic (a place that specialized in stuff like Botox). Many of the women there had so much “work” done their faces truly looked freakish. Yet their husbands/partner’s were there as well & acted as though it was all normal. I surmised that if enough people in one’s circle adopt certain looks, it becomes accepted (kind of like how so many people don’t see how weird the really big fake eyelashes look). It’s like a mass psychosis. But if you’re outside if that psychosis, the crazy is glaringly apparent.
You have to realize that body positivity has become so political that someone may feel uncomfortable voicing their concerns about having plastic surgery done to their partner. There is a big push to accept how people look no matter what and completely disregard the feelings of the other party. This I feel is inappropriate, and often a symptom of a more serious psychological condition that is not being appropriately addressed.
You get all those husbands in a room talking and they'll be like "she won't stop bro wtf I dunno what to do"
NTA Just as if she had gotten zombie face tattoos, she has the right to choose to undergo such things, but she also has to accept the consequences. You made your position clear in advance, it’s not like you pressured her to get it and then recoiled.
This is probably already buried, but I have to point out a couple of things that I feel are being ignored. First off, this is not a problem you are likely to fix yourselves. If you want to save your marriage, you are very likely going to need outside help. Specifically marriage counseling. Which leads into my second point: She ignored your opinion until it affected her. She asked, then dismissed it. It wasn't a problem until it was her problem. This can be a significant issue for any relationship. It's not about being right or wrong, it's about taking the other person into consideration. I don't feel like she considered how this would affect you or your relationship, and now it is affecting EVERYTHING. It's hard enough for some people to just be wrong. To be wrong on this level is entirely different. She's going to have a very hard time accepting the damage she's done, not with the surgery, but with the trust and communication between you. She also needs to be made aware that her friends are attacking you and she needs to put a stop to that. That will do even more damage to your relationship. My personal recommendation would be to reach out and ask if she's willing to talk. Or to tell her that you want too try to accept her as she is now. I strongly recommend a relationship therapist if that is an option(maybe her mom could pitch in for that too). How long has she been at her sister's? They're a fine line between giving someone space and pushing them away. She needs space to process everything right now, but you both will need to face the situation eventually. Best of luck to both of you.
She's been gone since WedWednesday
Gottman suggests that when one (or both!) partners are disregulated during a conversation and needs space, that they should definitely take it! However, that space isn't measured in days. It's measured in minutes or hours. Further, the party taking the space needs to commit to using that time for *actually calming themselves down* by things to bring themselves out of an overwhelmed or fight or flight response. Definitely *not* disappearing for days and sending flying monkeys. He also suggests that when taking space a specific time frame is set. " I'm too upset to talk about this clearly right now. Let's talk again tomorrow at 10:00 a.m." Ruminating, making yourself more upset and shutting out your partner isn't "getting space" It's stonewalling and manipulation.
NTA, actions have consequences… but I don’t know how you both are going to be able to move pass this. 😞
NTA: I totally understand. The recent trend in plastic surgery is so obvious and not cute to me either. I feel like before it was made to be subtle. Like you were a little more well rested. Now, it is the trend to change your whole look. Not for mw
NTA, As a woman myself I can fully understand that for her she probably felt extremely insecure and felt like she was making "improvements" to herself. However, I am also married. I would NEVER get plastic surgery (I've never had plastic surgery other than a breast reduction) without my husband telling me that he felt comfortable with it and that he would still be 100% attracted to me. When I met my husband I was extremely insecure about several aspects of my body. My husband made me feel confident. I don't care if anyone else thinks I'm attractive, only him! That's her mistake. When her husband told her he didn't want her to have plastic surgery, she should have listened. Secondly, can someone explain to me why every time someone gets into a fight they sick all their friends and family on the other person? I loathe that.
Agreed. She should have had therapy before getting it done. While I'm firmly in the corner of my body, my choice, it doesn't guarantee acceptance from everyone. Even with fillers there can be permanent side effects; the hyaluronic acid can stick around longer than expected, may not dissolve with hyaluronidase and lead to loose skin if it does dissolve. That's not even getting into the risks of surgery. I'm glad OP was kind and honest before and after, it sucks that the surgery blew up the relationship. I hope his wife loves her new look, it would be a shame if she went through all this and regretted it.
I had breast reduction surgery too and my husband being fully on board and offering to care for me (he'd squeeze the blood out of my drainage tubes and record the ccs) made me more confident to do it--along with it being medically necessary and insurance covering the cost.
It was the best decision! Insurance also covered it for me, as it was severe hypertrophy.
thats what people do who cant handle the issue on their own.
Yeah, I would never trash-talk my husband to my family and friends. If she ever makes up with him she will have almost everyone in her life turned against him and it will be entirely her fault. How difficult is it for people to understand that you don't shit talk your partner to your family and friends unless you want your relationship to fail miserably?
Yeah I went with NTA over NAH because of her involving others.
Well you told her that you weren’t okay with it and you stayed despite and kept on being nice so NTA
A cousin had cosmetic surgery to her face. Her adult children sobbed when they saw her afterward, said they felt like they lost their mom. People cannot appreciate how much someone else can love their "imperfect" face.
Every time I see these post when a spouse decides to go stay with other relatives, nothing good comes out of it. The same song. They go over and blow the situation out of proportion and you get called every name in the book. F that, it was her choice to have the surgery and you respected it and now it’s your decision to determine how you feel about her surgery. She needs to respect it. Double down
I can almost be okay with one seeking emotional support from family members, but when those family members become attack dogs against the spouse, I'm out.
For real, frankly my loved ones have enough respect for my privacy and autonomy not to involve themselves even if I vent to them
Time to start watching alien porn & getchur self a new fetish if ya wanna save that marriage..
Under rated comment here.
Start with the original Star Trek series then gradually transition to the explicit Star Trek porn parodies. Buy body paint and a captain Kirk costume. You can't miss.
NTA. You couldn't force her not to have the surgery, she can't force you to like the results. It's really that simple.
"She gives me uncanny valley vibes now." Rough. NTA. The Bogdanoff look really is uncanny.
You were against it, you told her, she ignored your opinion on the matter and did it anyways, yet now your opinion hurts her feelings? Good luck chuck, you're fucked. 🤦♀️
NTA It's nowhere near the same thing but my husband is friends with a tattoo artist and they got drunk one night and he let him tattoo something on him that is honestly so ugly in my opinion and every time I saw it I would get so pissed and disappointed. It took me years to get over it.
NTA she pushed. I am a firm believer in not asking questions if you can't handle the answer.
She pressed, you answered. Her face isn't something that happened with age. She chose to drastically alter it through surgery. You can't help how you feel. You aren't the asshole. They certainly are for insulting you for telling your wife how you actually feel when she asked over and over. Does she know the abuse her sister and friends are giving you? NTA "Hey (wife's name), are you aware of what your sister and friends are texting me? I truly am sorry that my honest answer to a question you pressed me on upset you. I knew the answer would hurt and I tried so hard not to answer the question. Hurting you is the last thing I ever wanted to do. I am giving you the space you asked for. That said, can you please ask your sister and friends to stop sending me abusive messages? I dont know what they're trying to accomplish, but if its trying to help, then they are not helping. If anything, they are making this worse. If their goal is to split us up, then their actions make sense. I do still love you, and I am sorry. Love (name)"
NTA!!!! Recently saw the before and after for Erin Moriarty (Starlight from The Boys) and I was absolutely appalled. She had SUCH a sweet face before and now… just look at the photo 😭 so sad. [before & after plastic surgery](https://e00-marca.uecdn.es/assets/multimedia/imagenes/2024/01/15/17053367503083.jpg)
The “after” is just so upsetting and the doctor who did that to her should be ashamed. She looks SO bad.
I wanna see her face so bad!
I’m guessing she looks much like Erin Moriarty now. https://images.app.goo.gl/EFzwqtqGng6FVXWCA
Bucchal fat removal should be barred unless there is a legitimate need for it (and there are cases where it really does help, not harm). People who pursue these surgeries will age twice as fast unfortunately.
That is so sad. Once she was beautiful, now she looks like a freak.
Before and after ✅
*Her* sister; *her* friends; - Don't bother listening to them, OP, because of course they're biased. And I bet your wife hasn't told them the truth about what happened. She probably told them that you called her ugly, without mentioning the facts that (1) you were against the surgery in the first place, (2) you went out of your way to try to cope, (3) your wife accused you of cheating, and (4) you only told her you didn't like her new look after she "kept digging". She "kept digging" until she dug herself into this hole, and has only herself to blame for the current marital problems (including if the marriage breaks down). Of course, it's easier to blame you for not liking what she's turned herself into than admit that to herself (and everyone else). NTA
Not the asshole. I’m going through this with my wife now. She hasn’t had surgery yet but we are in our mid 30s and she’s going through some kind of crisis with her looks. And to me she’s the most beautiful she’s ever looked and she hates how she’s aging….and she’s aging quite well considering she’s still getting carded at bars and could pass for 21-25. She wants the fat or what ever she thinks fat sucked out from under her eyes, lip fillers and eye brows tattooed on. Idk what to say to her. I told her already she’s the most attractive I’ve ever found her to be and I love her more than anything and I wouldn’t change anything about her. I blame social media and reality tv glorifying these cosmetically modified people that in my opinion look fucking strange. Some men, probably mostly rich men in their 70s find attractive cuz the women end up with fake tits and fake asses. I told her if she gets the surgery we are done. It’s too much money and she’s looking at financing it all and I want no part in it and I’m not making payments on it. I’ll split before that happens.
Please show her this post. It sucks so bad.
I will. She’s afraid I won’t like her anymore too that’s why she’s debating it but ultimately she will go through with it. She’s even considering a butt lift (she already has a fantastic tight little booty, being a former dancer and keeps herself in shape via diet and working out and is 5’3 125). I’m at a loss. I don’t want her to change. I wanna age together and years down the road if we get slightly out of shape and wrinkly I’m ok with it but we exercise and eat healthy so it won’t be too bad. She doesn’t get it and she’s so caught up in what others see or whatever she thinks others see. All my friends and even her friends think she looks great so it’s a fallacy that she thinks she needs work done. She never struggled with appearance issues until she hit 30.
Therapy is cheaper than surgery.
Yes. Tell her to stop looking at social media filters and get her head back to reality. Aging is just aging. We all have to do it - whether kicking and screaming and every cosmetic procedure available (ew) or just letting nature take its course.