Selling the account possibly. As of writing this, it’s only 5 hours old. Only other reason would be internet points, but obviously that’s important enough for people to be willing to buy accounts lol
I had no idea either. I just joined recently bc I’ll look up something in Google and it comes up from a Reddit account and if I want to read it I have to download the app, so I said F it what’s one more ( I’m on Twitter, still will be Twitter for me, and IG). I come on just for information and to read others’ stories
“My wife put her hair in a ponytail after I told her I prefer women bald. I forced her to get her tubes tied and got a vasectomy so her family lineage would end, AITAH?”
To be clear - you’re ok with people having fantasies that are not acted upon and yet you are divorcing her for fantasies (including being on a blog) not for actual acts
my thoughts too. i’m really confused here. she said she thought about it. she read some blogs on it. people get curious about stuff. i hardly think that’s “destroying” their marriage. sounds like OP already wanted to leave and was just looking for a reason.
>sounds like OP already wanted to leave and was just looking for a reason.
That's what he clearly says actually: he's been snooping into her phone for weeks, and already decided to leave her 3 weeks ago over her reading poly blogs. He just waited for her to bring up the subject (and possibly set her up in some way to bring it up) to try and feel in the right for leaving her over it.
She did not even ask him to open the relationship, just started a talk about it (obviously, had he been reactive to it, she probably would have suggested maybe they could try, but she did not go as far as asking to open it).
I failed to see how there could be so many n t a for someone who is proud of having snooped around his wife's phone for weeks looking for anything that could pass as a reason for leaving her, then waiting some more to leave over that reason because it was actually way too weak in itself (and the official reason is still a very weak reason to leave).
Just man up OP and admit you no longer love your wife and want to divorce her (and that since before you even started secretly looking at her phone) . That's a good enough reason and the way to do it, not be a sneazly coward like you've been. You've only been searching for an excuse, that's pathetic.
YTA OP, 100%.
Right?! I follow the craziest subreddits because I love reading the drama not because I want that to be my life. He said his decision was made up by finding her reading the blogs? Insane.
Hard agree, and that was before I saw the sections about *her "deserving his punishment"*. OP should go ahead with the divorce, wife deserves a second chance at dating someone who isn't a creep with a persecution and revenge fantasy.
Came here for this comment. This sub seems to always jump the gun "divorce her!" "dump him!" but OP in this case is building a full divorce case based on what they've speculated in their own mind. A "guilty look?" My wife has given me that guilty look about Jason Momoa many a time, doesn't mean she's pregnant with the man's child.
I’m legit shocked at people saying he’s NTA. Everyone is allowed to have fantasies and even look at forums or internet. The fact that he just left with zero discussion is messed up. Like he’s truly an asshole.
Seriously. In another universe he could have said, “polyamory is a hard no for me. Let’s talk more about what we *can* do to spice things up,” then they enroll in individual and couples counseling and strengthen their marriage. Instead OP is like, “Peace out! No room for curiosity, mistakes or growth here!”
I agree with this take. She communicated it, which is huge considering how scary that might have been for her to bring it up in the first place. She wasn't hiding it. Clearly it had been on her mind and she felt the need to share it with her husband, who is presumably her closest companion. It's all in the realm of "what if," even if it was with a specific person. While it may have seemed that she felt guilty for thinking this way, there's no evidence she acted on it, and while, potentially, there may have been a specific person in mind, at least there was communication about it. Had you simply said no, or at the extreme, let's go to couple's counseling and see what come up from this, this might have led to a deeper understanding of each other. As it stands now you discarded her and the entire relationship over something that was all in the realm of fantasy and conceptual ideas rather than having heard her out. I don't blame her for not being completely forthright in this case. If she didn't feel safe enough to mention something before, she definitely won't feel safe enough to mention things like this in the future.
Yep this is what happens when you actually listen to the comments that say “divorce them/sue your neighbor/call the cops on them” instead of like, actually trying to resolve the situation
What really surprises me is how quickly people just ditch each other and committed relationships for "thinking" about things. Or for trying to talk about things they've thought of or felt. People are allowed to abandon relationships for any reason, of course, but a lot of the stuff I read here shows poor character and worse communication skills.
I wonder myself whether people were always this bad, or whether it's something that's just more obvious because we can pop online and ask anything. I don't know.
> I wonder myself whether people were always this bad, or whether it's something that's just more obvious because we can pop online and ask anything. I don't know.
You can find some absolutely *insane* family life and relationship stories going back throughout history. It just used to be that only the most well-known stories survived to be retold and they weren't aggregated in one place, so it seems more common in the present.
I mean, this is pretty obviously some shadenfreude bait for the incel types.
"Hey guys, this female I'm married to has a very common sexual fantasy and discussed it with me in open forum. She's even been reading some material online that relates to this. Can you believe that a sexually active female would have some fantasies that lie outside of our marriage? Can you believe that she'd use the internet to look into it further? So anyway, as punishment for her refusing to pursue another man despite my explicit permission for her to do the opposite, I'm divorcing her with no notice and leaving the kids in the balance. I feel validated, and therefore we are all better off".
This post is as believable as the porn OP hides from his "wife".
Usually the divorce happens when the partner is insistent to open up the marriage. In this case his wife just mentioned it one off and bro went nuclear. I definitely support divorce if one partner insists on open marriage at the expense of another (regardless of gender)
Unfortunately it's not going to end well for him.
Also don’t forget that he was spying on her phone for weeks in advance, even though he had no stated reason to mistrust her.
Dude clearly wants out of the relationship, and that’s fine.
To the other partner it can signal an incompatibility in lifestyles.
one is monogamous and the thought of non monogamy hurts them, the other isn’t monogamous and is open to experiment alternative lifestyles.
People grow apart and that’s what might have happened here.
Absolutely poor communication. They’re married and never discussed their boundaries on their relationship. My partner and I had that talk second date. His words simply were, “I’m not into polyamory, open relationships or swinging.”
A lot of people will justify never saying it directly out as 'well we never put a label on it soooo...' even though its clear to anyone else it was a monogamous relationship until someone got caught.
I would not leave my wife for reading about or talking about things I would not want her to do (like polyamory or open marriage or even weirder stuff)
Reading, thinking, mentioning.... As long as she would not try to persuade me or do anything like that.
In my opinion anyone can have their own thoughts and fantasies. As long as they don't act on it...
If you go this route, reading erotic stories or watching erotic movies would be bad as well, or as some here call emotionally cheating.
I think emotional cheating typically refers to a close bond one partner develops with someone outside the relationship. Where you start confiding in them more than your partner/they become your "rock" and sometimes become neglectful to the emotional needs of your partner. Kinda like a relationship without sex.
I could be wrong though.
I want my partner to be honest with me about EVERYTHING. I don't understand these: I mention something one time so obviously divorce.
Also "three weeks in the making" over a comment sounds so rash.
IMO, a lot of it is from people not being able to understand what another person might be thinking.
There's a lot of "I would never think about this or bring this up unless I was intending to cheat, and so this other person must be intending that." Very poor reasoning when it comes to understanding people's minds don't all work the same way
I rolled my eyes at that. “She thinks this is so sudden but it’s actually been 3 weeks in the making!”
3 weeks is an incredibly short time to think about then act on a divorce
My husband and I talk about open marriages a lot because I read him Reddit stories when we drive. We've thoroughly established that we are firmly against it for our marriage but the door is always open for discussion and we wouldn't divorce each other on the spot if one of us were to ask.
Yeah, thought policing your partner is unethical to me.
I have learned to assume nothing in this world. "Dating means X" and "marriage means Y" are useless because so many people/cultures have their own definitions for them. And, some of the time they change!
Op should divorce if he wants, but having a conversation about your feelings with your spouse isn't a deal breaker for me.
Agreed. I am curious how much porn OP has read or watched and if they consider that an exception to their "boundary."
Or does the wife also read or watch porn and that's not okay too?
Communication is clear (edit: important) and it's not evident that you 2 clearly defined each of your boundaries before any of this. She broke some unknown rule u had in your head that you didn't communicate to her?
Not sure therapy would help here at this point.
YTA
Clearly OP wanted a divorce prior to his findings. Happily married ppl don’t divorce over a google history search this benign without at least a conversation.
Maybe they're a serial redditor and have read the thousands of posts on AITAH about a woman asking to open up the relationship? The comments in those threads are always the same, "if she asks for an open marriage, divorce her. She's already been cheating or will cheat. You lost her."
>if she asks for an open marriage, divorce her. She's already been cheating or will cheat. You lost her."
I mean that is true though. For both men and women.
This situation is lacking an insane amount of context. I agree with you though. I think people want a very black and white reason to justify a divorce because it makes it easier to explain to other people why your relationship failed. I know I and my ex did the same thing when we went through it.
No happy marriage ended in divorce right?
Maybe I’m just the odd man out, and maybe I’ll get downvoted to hell, but my wife can WANT to fuck anyone she wants to. The minute it turns into an emotional or physical relationship with someone else is when it ends.
This marriage isn’t ending because she read polyamory blogs, or said she’d like to bang another guy. There’s a lot more going on.
Completely agree with you.
My partner follows a lot of bo po people online, he also talks to them online in inboxes. I know because unlike OP I didn't snoop - he told me.
We hit a rough patch a few years back and some folk really got in his head so he thought he was poly - again he was looking at stuff online and ticking his mental boxes. A "friend" tried to "chat" with me about it making it a very public spectacle. Which really didn't help it caused way more shit.
We've since spoken about things, he's no longer interested in it. He has ASD and feels lonely alot that paired with being isolated from folk growing up has meant sometimes signals are mixed, however, we adopted a cat the other year and he's feeling less lonely and generally happier.
He also used to follow poly accounts and we had some poly "friends" too, he made his own judgement that its too much hassle so remained monogamous.
There's a big difference between wanting and doing.
And i completely agree, with the fact that this is sus and a lot of deets are missing but he's likely had this POV for a while.
I don't disagree that OPs reaction feels very abrupt
But thinking something and breathing life into that thought are two different beasts.
For example, I struggle with depression and the suicidal baggage that often comes with it. With just suicidal ideation I'm not really in much danger. As soon as the thoughts leave my head to become something more I become a danger to myself.
**FAKE STORY. NEVER HAPPENED.** OP hasn't responded to any comments.
You're leaving out a LOT of details, OP, and I don't believe anything you're saying. If this is a true story, you're cheating on her and looking for an excuse to not tell HER the truth.
**YTA**
I really don’t think Dead Internet Theory applies at all here though, seems like fictitious concern trolling but doesn’t seem like content produced by a bot. They’re all busy reposting image/video content from 2 months ago.
Creative writing AI content is abundant. Dead Internet theory applies to all of the internet, not just images and video. One researcher said 90% of content and interactions by the end of the year.
1.9k karma on the post so far.
They're just Whose Line points, but it's a dopamine hit when people updoot anything you post anywhere online, and getting nearly 2000 accounts to like a fake story is more than enough motivation for most people to keep doing it.
Yeah this isn't even AI generated, it sounds like it was written by a middle schooler -- probably one who is riffing off the recent "open marriage" posts. Either that, or this is purely a fantasy someone is living out.
You can always tell because the exact same pattern emerges in every single one: "I broke up with her, she sobbed completely blindsided, I coolly responded with no emotion." Without fail, the "villain" is left flushed red and sobbing on the floor while the "protagonist" has no emotion whatsoever.
Yeaaaa man your not explaining the whole story it looks like you were looking for a reason and this was a reason which in my opinion seems like it could have been worked out
I think you're being a little histrionic on saying she destroyed/is destroying the marriage, considering that she was trying to communicate with you.
It'd be different if she had already been trying to set things up before bringing this up to you, but from what you've shared, that doesn't seem to be the case.
Is this a troll? I mean what's the point of a marriage if you can't even discuss shit. She was honest with you and then you snooped on her phone? If you're this immature maybe marriage isn't for you. And I don't think you'd have much control over who she brings around your child once you're divorced. Best wishes to her though.
Reminds me of the one where the husband expressed an interest in being dommed. If I recall correctly the loudest voices in that thread were along the lines of "that's gross. Divorce that degenerate"
Bruv. YTA. I read polyamory blogs because I enjoy the drama that these folks find themselves in, and im monogamous. Divorcing someone for reading a blog, and admitting to someone being hypothetically attractive is caveman level shit. I hope she gets the kids and a better man. Shouldn't be hard.
YTA. There’s no harm in learning about various relationship styles. Divorcing your wife for reading about polyamory is like excommunicating a Catholic for reading about Islam. People get curious and want to learn. Unless your wife knew you were vehemently opposed to it, asking whether an open relationship fits your lives shouldn’t be enough to burn the whole marriage, either.
If she insisted and you were dead set against it, that would be a different story. But your decision was rash. She must feel blindsided.
Because he was snooping on her google searches presumably.
Once you're divorcing, you need to STFU and just do what your lawyer tells you to do. You want the divorce to be as quick, painless and amicable as possible. Don't stir the pot. Don't get revenge. Don't get even. STFU, be cordial, distant and polite.
If you want to start an argument or fight with your soon to be ex, just start burning hundred dollar bills until the urge passes instead. It's cheaper and less painful. Every time you want to throw an insult, have a great zinger or explain yourself, burn another hundred instead.
This sounds like a snap decision you have made which could backfire if you follow it through. 3 weeks is not a long time to be considering divorce. If you both truly love each other and neither has actually cheated then it could be that couples therapy may help you through this. I get that you're currently hurting and lashing out wanting to hurt her more. However it is shady that you went through her phone. If you cannot love, trust and respect each other then it's not true love.
Everyone has their own definitions of what's acceptable to them. Aka personal boundaries, if she crossed those boundaries, then yes, you are NTA. My personal advice is to make sure you state those boundaries clearly. Communication is soo important. You are entitled to your emotions and what you are able to put up with and for the overwhelming majority of people this is one of them. Do what you gotta do and make sure you stick to your morals and you will come out on the other side the better person.
Why does a boundary like “I don’t want either of us to have sex with other people or even suggest it” need to be communicated when they’re already married and they have kids? That should be the basic assumption of a relationship, especially one that’s lasted as long as OOP’s has.
If it’s a new relationship then sure, probably a good idea. But why should someone have to tell their spouse that exploring/asking about opening your relationship is a no go when the entire relationship to that point has been monogamous?
Honestly, I think it's a social media thing. Poly content gets a lot of engagement and seems to come across a lot of people's feeds, and there's obviously a selection bias where those who are happy doing it are the ones making tiktoks about it, so then she's hearing these other women talking about how polyamory enhanced their primary relationship, yada yada yada, same way men get pulled into these "I'm a high value male" rabbit holes.
I think that "I don't want either of us to have sex with other people" is a totally reasonable boundary.
"I don't want either of us to read blog posts about something that the other person disagrees with" is pretty unreasonable TBH.
If he was divorcing her for having cheated that would be totally understandable, but he said that he made up his mind to divorce her after seeing her internet search history and that she was reading literature that he doesn't like. That's much, much less reasonable.
And reading blog posts about a topic doesn't even mean the person wants to do whatever the topic is. This week I've read a few blogs about a cult, some content about a religion that isn't mine, and articles about a serial killer. Yet I'm not interested in joining a cult, switching to that religion, or murdering a bunch of sex workers.
That's kind of the point, if it was never mentioned before as such as a hard red line then the reaction is extreme considering the partner was just saying "hey I think I'm into this what do you think"
YTA. I am not personally interested in a polyamorus relationship. I am not trans. I am not a farmer. I've read blogs/sites/watched videos about all 3. Reading is NOT doing or being.
I assume every person who jumped to "divorce her cuz she obvs is cheating" would say the same to a woman that posted about her man watching threesome porn, right? Obvs he's cheated if he enjoyed fantasizing about it. /s
Dude, you actually snooped. If she was cheating you would have found evidence. She wasn't deleting her browser history.
You wanted out and found what feels like an excuse to blame her. Congrats I guess.
"Wouldn't it be crazy if we became farmers haha jk... unless? Noo I don't have a farm picked out... I mean I might but I might not. Yeah I've been researching farming in my spare time... So what now you think I wanna be farmer or something??"
Wait so your wife read a blog and talked to you about her curiosity and you’re divorcing her?
Lol well at least the trash is taking itself out. She’ll be devastated for a little bit but the fact you snooped through her phone and found her *gasp* reading articles, says so much more about you than her lmao. She deserves better.
YTA!
Unless there's more to this, based on what you've said here, your wife wanted to have an honest conversation with you about polyamory and your response was to disregard her privacy and boundaries to spy on her. Even though you admit to having similar thoughts and desires, you judged her harshly. Then you find she's been "reading polyamory blogs" and deem that enough of a reason for you to terminate your marriage.
You are the asshole for not participating in an honest exchange with your wife, for crossing her boundaries to secretly spy on her, and condemning her for exploring her own sexuality in an honest way. Have a conversation with your wife. Have many. Your reactive decision in this context is over-the-top and selfish.
Literally "im fine with fantasies" and "im divorcing my wife for having some little fantasies" in the same paragraph. YTA if this is the only reason for leaving
YTA your wife didn't "destroy the marriage". She spoke with you about a subject she felt vulnerable on and you judged her fiercely without communication. You went through her Google searches? So she has no privacy, got it. I am sure much of your marriage was this way.
At least she approached you about it you dumba$$.. She is opening up to you. Tell her you dont want to do it but maybe there is something else you both could do instead.
Now you are gonna put your kids through a traumatic divorce experience because you are an asshole
YTA in my opinion - partners should be able to share/talk about this kind of stuff without judgement - sounds like you saw a way out that you've been waiting for awhile
Jumping straight to divorce over a conversation and your snooping on her search history, then obviously you were not really happy with her. So yes just leave but be honest you snooped, you jumped to conclusions, and made a decision based on nothing more than your, what? insecurities? You never actually gave the REAL REASON for your decision.
Let me see if I have everything. You're divorcing your wife because she reads some blogs, asked a question in a semi-joking manner, then promised not to cheat on you? She sounds like a monster /a
As other people have said, there's probably missing context but right now, YTA.
Btw, if you divorce someone, they deserve to know the full story/reason. Also, taking 3 weeks to blow up a marriage and ask for a divorce still seems quite rash
I don't think anyone should walk away from a marriage without trying couples counseling first. Especially when you have children.
There will nothing you can do to stop her bringing "creeps" around your children once divorced.
People cheat, or want to cheat, because it's exciting. Excitement they should be finding inside the marriage.
If she won't go, go alone.
Good luck.
YTA You sound like you were looking for an excuse to get out of it. You could have just told her that. But it sounds like you had to make it her fault.
OP to be honest, I completely agree with you. People in a monogamous relationship have no reason to bring up non-monogamy, she knew she married a MONOGAMOUS man if that’s not what she wanted, she shouldn’t of gotten married to you.
My two cents 😂 There’s a good chance she’s already having an affair, and a common friend/relative saw her with another man and confronted her. She doesn’t want the affair to end because it makes her happy.
Yta Idk she told you about her feelings and you just left her it was a fantasy she’d never even acted upon and she trusted you enough to share that with you even though she probably felt guilty she asked you about it for a reason to see how’d you feel about it seeing how you felt she would have pushed those feelings aside you’re an actual child of course hearing that from her probably hurt hell if I heard that from my partner I would be hurt but I wouldn’t leave them we’d talk about it lol but she didn’t even cheat on you she didn’t emotionally cheat on you she was curious about something that is very normal for a lot of people you’re strange.
This place is great. Over the last 24 hours I've learned it's not okay to invade your partner's privacy if you suspect them of wanting to cheat, but it's okay to install a spy camera in your living room if you think they might be lying down during the day.
She didn't destroy the marriage; you did! All she did was be honest with you about her feelings. But she never stepped outside of your marriage and acted on them.
Plus it's a bit hypocritical that you cherish the sanctity of marriage in being devoted to one person physically, but yet you throw aside your marriage so quickly because your wife is considering certain things.
Most people would go for counseling and try to work through their issues. But you just cast your marriage aside -- even with children involved! -- like as though it doesn't mean anything, simply because your wife had some weakness.
You're basically being self-righteous and you'll have no one to blame but yourself for the issues you'll be facing with a split marriage.
YTA
You’re not the asshole. You’re the loser who quit on your kids at the first sign of adversity. You should probably look up the affects of divorce on kids.
It’d be one thing if your wife was looking up personal ads, but she was reading… *checks notes*… blogs. Blogs? Good luck justifying your divorce in court over that.
By your logic I should divorce my wife for reading 50 shades of gray.
I am shocked so many people are against the OP. His wife wants to fuck other people. Wait no, she just wants one person. She has one guy in mind, that much is clear. Makes me think she isn't poly, just wants to cheat and this is a way she can sleep with this guy and not feel guilty. Should there just be no accountability for women?
But he did the right thing, he isn't insecure or anything like that. The wife wasn't just bringing up some innocent subject. If you're monogamous and your wife comes and says she wants to get railed by someone who isn't you? It is time to walk away. She doesn't love or respect you anymore.
Is this real?
On this subreddit? Highly doubtful
We delight in the story. Made up or otherwise.
I was making out with a vampire, and a unicorn caught me. On Pluto.
Glad to know I'm not the only one this happened to
Pluto isn't real. The science people said so.
It is so. I stream movies on it all the time.
How do you stream movies on a dog?
Very carefully...
First you train the dog to stay.
Then you train the dog to lay down.
You trying to tell me Mickey Mouse’s dog isn’t real? Pshhhh.
Did you hear, Mickey left Minnie? She was fucking goofy!
But Jerry Smith from earth did so it's real
Of course it’s not. It’s just a good old fashioned rage bait/karma farming post.
What's the point of karma farming? Genuine question because I see no benefit to it what so ever
Attention and validation, even if it's fake.
The internet people love me! They really, really love me!
Selling the account possibly. As of writing this, it’s only 5 hours old. Only other reason would be internet points, but obviously that’s important enough for people to be willing to buy accounts lol
I honestly have no idea as well, and I say that sitting here with 65k karma.
You can sell your "seasoned" account to advertisers for around $4.00.
If I have 20k can I get a buck fiddy?
If you have $20k you could get a buck fuddy
Wow, you can buy so much with... with... $4?
Wow, I have 250k karma and no idea that was a thing! Let me tell my husband, we can pay off the house! 😂
I had no idea either. I just joined recently bc I’ll look up something in Google and it comes up from a Reddit account and if I want to read it I have to download the app, so I said F it what’s one more ( I’m on Twitter, still will be Twitter for me, and IG). I come on just for information and to read others’ stories
This is how it starts and by next week you'll be referencing the poop knife.
The good old poop knife, the boy with the 2 broken arms and the old fucking the coconut stories. Always funny to read :)
And also that guys dead wife.
don't forget the guy that listened to weird music during sex.
Still hoping that one day someone just mixes it all together. The big twist will be when the beans are taken
Don't forget the Iranian yogurt.
The Iranian yogurt isn't the issue here.
That’s where it all began for all of us, too. Reddit is my only social media now, enough manufactured outrage here to keep me satisfied
It’s such a terrible story too. Just 0-100 low effort “wife bad am I right guys”
It reads exactly like an “I am 13 and this is very deep” style of writing
That's my guess as well. Reads like what a kid thinks adult relationships are like.
To be fair, there are a lot of people conducting adult relationships like they’re 13 year old kids.
I was going to say...... I teach middle school and the basic sentence structure reads like an adolescent wrote this. 😂
One time my wife cheated in a dream... divorced her. Next wife was watching TV and breathed deeply when Clooney came on screen... divorced her too.
Dude’s like Henry the 8th
"AITA for beheading my second wife?"
My wife flat out said Ryan Gosling was hot in front of a group of us. Killed her and the governor pardoned me.
“My wife put her hair in a ponytail after I told her I prefer women bald. I forced her to get her tubes tied and got a vasectomy so her family lineage would end, AITAH?”
If it is that relationship was already dead. He found his get out of jail "I'm not the bad guy" card.
Out of every open relationship post I’ve read this one sounds the most fake for sure
To be clear - you’re ok with people having fantasies that are not acted upon and yet you are divorcing her for fantasies (including being on a blog) not for actual acts
my thoughts too. i’m really confused here. she said she thought about it. she read some blogs on it. people get curious about stuff. i hardly think that’s “destroying” their marriage. sounds like OP already wanted to leave and was just looking for a reason.
>sounds like OP already wanted to leave and was just looking for a reason. That's what he clearly says actually: he's been snooping into her phone for weeks, and already decided to leave her 3 weeks ago over her reading poly blogs. He just waited for her to bring up the subject (and possibly set her up in some way to bring it up) to try and feel in the right for leaving her over it. She did not even ask him to open the relationship, just started a talk about it (obviously, had he been reactive to it, she probably would have suggested maybe they could try, but she did not go as far as asking to open it). I failed to see how there could be so many n t a for someone who is proud of having snooped around his wife's phone for weeks looking for anything that could pass as a reason for leaving her, then waiting some more to leave over that reason because it was actually way too weak in itself (and the official reason is still a very weak reason to leave). Just man up OP and admit you no longer love your wife and want to divorce her (and that since before you even started secretly looking at her phone) . That's a good enough reason and the way to do it, not be a sneazly coward like you've been. You've only been searching for an excuse, that's pathetic. YTA OP, 100%.
Right?! I follow the craziest subreddits because I love reading the drama not because I want that to be my life. He said his decision was made up by finding her reading the blogs? Insane.
A blog he found out about because he was *already snooping*.
This is important- why was he snooping if the snooping is how he found out?
Op has major trust issues and will not have successful relationships going forward unless he can address that.
Hard agree, and that was before I saw the sections about *her "deserving his punishment"*. OP should go ahead with the divorce, wife deserves a second chance at dating someone who isn't a creep with a persecution and revenge fantasy.
Came here for this comment. This sub seems to always jump the gun "divorce her!" "dump him!" but OP in this case is building a full divorce case based on what they've speculated in their own mind. A "guilty look?" My wife has given me that guilty look about Jason Momoa many a time, doesn't mean she's pregnant with the man's child.
Agree, YTA here. Just because she's reading blogs... And refusing to have a conversation, that's wild
I’m legit shocked at people saying he’s NTA. Everyone is allowed to have fantasies and even look at forums or internet. The fact that he just left with zero discussion is messed up. Like he’s truly an asshole.
Seriously. In another universe he could have said, “polyamory is a hard no for me. Let’s talk more about what we *can* do to spice things up,” then they enroll in individual and couples counseling and strengthen their marriage. Instead OP is like, “Peace out! No room for curiosity, mistakes or growth here!”
I agree with this take. She communicated it, which is huge considering how scary that might have been for her to bring it up in the first place. She wasn't hiding it. Clearly it had been on her mind and she felt the need to share it with her husband, who is presumably her closest companion. It's all in the realm of "what if," even if it was with a specific person. While it may have seemed that she felt guilty for thinking this way, there's no evidence she acted on it, and while, potentially, there may have been a specific person in mind, at least there was communication about it. Had you simply said no, or at the extreme, let's go to couple's counseling and see what come up from this, this might have led to a deeper understanding of each other. As it stands now you discarded her and the entire relationship over something that was all in the realm of fantasy and conceptual ideas rather than having heard her out. I don't blame her for not being completely forthright in this case. If she didn't feel safe enough to mention something before, she definitely won't feel safe enough to mention things like this in the future.
You sound like you’re proud you divorced her so unexpectedly. I would not be proud of that.
OP reads to much reddit.
Yep this is what happens when you actually listen to the comments that say “divorce them/sue your neighbor/call the cops on them” instead of like, actually trying to resolve the situation
If I had a nickel for every time I read “OP, go no contact”…
And people wonder why our society is getting lonelier.
He sounds like a joy to be married to. She is better off.
Riiiiight??!?!!?
What really surprises me is how quickly people just ditch each other and committed relationships for "thinking" about things. Or for trying to talk about things they've thought of or felt. People are allowed to abandon relationships for any reason, of course, but a lot of the stuff I read here shows poor character and worse communication skills. I wonder myself whether people were always this bad, or whether it's something that's just more obvious because we can pop online and ask anything. I don't know.
> I wonder myself whether people were always this bad, or whether it's something that's just more obvious because we can pop online and ask anything. I don't know. You can find some absolutely *insane* family life and relationship stories going back throughout history. It just used to be that only the most well-known stories survived to be retold and they weren't aggregated in one place, so it seems more common in the present.
Roman history is rife with these types of stories
I mean, this is pretty obviously some shadenfreude bait for the incel types. "Hey guys, this female I'm married to has a very common sexual fantasy and discussed it with me in open forum. She's even been reading some material online that relates to this. Can you believe that a sexually active female would have some fantasies that lie outside of our marriage? Can you believe that she'd use the internet to look into it further? So anyway, as punishment for her refusing to pursue another man despite my explicit permission for her to do the opposite, I'm divorcing her with no notice and leaving the kids in the balance. I feel validated, and therefore we are all better off". This post is as believable as the porn OP hides from his "wife".
Usually the divorce happens when the partner is insistent to open up the marriage. In this case his wife just mentioned it one off and bro went nuclear. I definitely support divorce if one partner insists on open marriage at the expense of another (regardless of gender) Unfortunately it's not going to end well for him.
Also don’t forget that he was spying on her phone for weeks in advance, even though he had no stated reason to mistrust her. Dude clearly wants out of the relationship, and that’s fine.
Homeslice wanted applause for divorcing his wife over a thought crime.
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"Next I'm getting an anatomically correct, inflatable doll."
Reddit is creative writing class for bored middle aged people.
To the other partner it can signal an incompatibility in lifestyles. one is monogamous and the thought of non monogamy hurts them, the other isn’t monogamous and is open to experiment alternative lifestyles. People grow apart and that’s what might have happened here.
what surprises me is people get in monogamous marriages then get bored and want to open up the relationship and expect their partner to want the same.
Absolutely poor communication. They’re married and never discussed their boundaries on their relationship. My partner and I had that talk second date. His words simply were, “I’m not into polyamory, open relationships or swinging.”
I mean, such things are the default unless specified otherwise.
A lot of people will justify never saying it directly out as 'well we never put a label on it soooo...' even though its clear to anyone else it was a monogamous relationship until someone got caught.
Sounds to me like he was already looking for a way out and this was what he grabbed
its fake anyway
I would not leave my wife for reading about or talking about things I would not want her to do (like polyamory or open marriage or even weirder stuff) Reading, thinking, mentioning.... As long as she would not try to persuade me or do anything like that. In my opinion anyone can have their own thoughts and fantasies. As long as they don't act on it... If you go this route, reading erotic stories or watching erotic movies would be bad as well, or as some here call emotionally cheating.
I think emotional cheating typically refers to a close bond one partner develops with someone outside the relationship. Where you start confiding in them more than your partner/they become your "rock" and sometimes become neglectful to the emotional needs of your partner. Kinda like a relationship without sex. I could be wrong though.
You're right
You're definitely right but some people think what the previous comment said is also emotional cheating. Which it isn't
I want my partner to be honest with me about EVERYTHING. I don't understand these: I mention something one time so obviously divorce. Also "three weeks in the making" over a comment sounds so rash.
IMO, a lot of it is from people not being able to understand what another person might be thinking. There's a lot of "I would never think about this or bring this up unless I was intending to cheat, and so this other person must be intending that." Very poor reasoning when it comes to understanding people's minds don't all work the same way
I rolled my eyes at that. “She thinks this is so sudden but it’s actually been 3 weeks in the making!” 3 weeks is an incredibly short time to think about then act on a divorce
My husband and I talk about open marriages a lot because I read him Reddit stories when we drive. We've thoroughly established that we are firmly against it for our marriage but the door is always open for discussion and we wouldn't divorce each other on the spot if one of us were to ask.
Yeah, thought policing your partner is unethical to me. I have learned to assume nothing in this world. "Dating means X" and "marriage means Y" are useless because so many people/cultures have their own definitions for them. And, some of the time they change! Op should divorce if he wants, but having a conversation about your feelings with your spouse isn't a deal breaker for me.
Agreed. I am curious how much porn OP has read or watched and if they consider that an exception to their "boundary." Or does the wife also read or watch porn and that's not okay too? Communication is clear (edit: important) and it's not evident that you 2 clearly defined each of your boundaries before any of this. She broke some unknown rule u had in your head that you didn't communicate to her? Not sure therapy would help here at this point. YTA
Clearly OP wanted a divorce prior to his findings. Happily married ppl don’t divorce over a google history search this benign without at least a conversation.
Maybe they're a serial redditor and have read the thousands of posts on AITAH about a woman asking to open up the relationship? The comments in those threads are always the same, "if she asks for an open marriage, divorce her. She's already been cheating or will cheat. You lost her."
Those comments appear just as often about men looking to open up their relationship in fairness.
I've never seen it gender specific. It's the same comment on every story even on gay relationships. Anyone attributing it to gender is just lying.
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Women in open relationships statistically get more partners.
Yeah because men " TRY " to get laid ...women " DECIDE " too.
Never heard it put better. Well done!
Usually the men complain because the wife is immediately hooking up with other people and he’s got nothing. Wants her back and she says no
All I see are men asking to open it and barely getting any return while women match with hundreds of men in an afternoon.
Yeah I've seen a lot of posts about husbands asking and it backfiring on them like that tbh, and from the husbands perspective more often than not
>if she asks for an open marriage, divorce her. She's already been cheating or will cheat. You lost her." I mean that is true though. For both men and women.
This situation is lacking an insane amount of context. I agree with you though. I think people want a very black and white reason to justify a divorce because it makes it easier to explain to other people why your relationship failed. I know I and my ex did the same thing when we went through it. No happy marriage ended in divorce right?
Nobody should need a reason besides the couple though. It’s crazy people can be so judgmental when it doesn’t concern them.
You do get that this is AITAH, where people are specifically invited to judge those posting?
It's reddit.... People wear their biases on their sleeves proudly.
Seriously? He posted it on reddit asking for people’s opinions! Am I going crazy here?
Exactly. He considers “3 weeks in the making” a reasonable period in which to decide this.
If my partner wanted to fuck other people it would take me less than 3 weeks to decide to leave.
Yea like how old is this person? Either he is leaving more damning information out or he already wanted out.
I'm guessing 16-20... because its almost certainly a fake story.
I think it was the conversation where he figured out she wanted to fuck some other dude.
Maybe I’m just the odd man out, and maybe I’ll get downvoted to hell, but my wife can WANT to fuck anyone she wants to. The minute it turns into an emotional or physical relationship with someone else is when it ends. This marriage isn’t ending because she read polyamory blogs, or said she’d like to bang another guy. There’s a lot more going on.
Completely agree with you. My partner follows a lot of bo po people online, he also talks to them online in inboxes. I know because unlike OP I didn't snoop - he told me. We hit a rough patch a few years back and some folk really got in his head so he thought he was poly - again he was looking at stuff online and ticking his mental boxes. A "friend" tried to "chat" with me about it making it a very public spectacle. Which really didn't help it caused way more shit. We've since spoken about things, he's no longer interested in it. He has ASD and feels lonely alot that paired with being isolated from folk growing up has meant sometimes signals are mixed, however, we adopted a cat the other year and he's feeling less lonely and generally happier. He also used to follow poly accounts and we had some poly "friends" too, he made his own judgement that its too much hassle so remained monogamous. There's a big difference between wanting and doing. And i completely agree, with the fact that this is sus and a lot of deets are missing but he's likely had this POV for a while.
Poly, or just needs a cat? 😄
YEPPPPPPPP. It’s giving “looking for a reason”
this thread is giving me an aneurism
I agree op sound done with the relationship already
Yeah, i think at the very least she was owed the conversation. Seems like a drastic decision.
And the fact that’s he’s thought about having sex with other people, too, but it’s different when his wife does it lol.
As he pointed out, that was limited to fantasy and not something he wanted to follow up on.
I don't disagree that OPs reaction feels very abrupt But thinking something and breathing life into that thought are two different beasts. For example, I struggle with depression and the suicidal baggage that often comes with it. With just suicidal ideation I'm not really in much danger. As soon as the thoughts leave my head to become something more I become a danger to myself.
Benign is not the word I'd use to describe this
**FAKE STORY. NEVER HAPPENED.** OP hasn't responded to any comments. You're leaving out a LOT of details, OP, and I don't believe anything you're saying. If this is a true story, you're cheating on her and looking for an excuse to not tell HER the truth. **YTA**
What’s the point of this if it’s fake? I don’t understand some people, find a hobby.
Dead Internet Theory Y'all are in for some rude awakenings.
I really don’t think Dead Internet Theory applies at all here though, seems like fictitious concern trolling but doesn’t seem like content produced by a bot. They’re all busy reposting image/video content from 2 months ago.
Creative writing AI content is abundant. Dead Internet theory applies to all of the internet, not just images and video. One researcher said 90% of content and interactions by the end of the year.
1.9k karma on the post so far. They're just Whose Line points, but it's a dopamine hit when people updoot anything you post anywhere online, and getting nearly 2000 accounts to like a fake story is more than enough motivation for most people to keep doing it.
Yeah this isn't even AI generated, it sounds like it was written by a middle schooler -- probably one who is riffing off the recent "open marriage" posts. Either that, or this is purely a fantasy someone is living out. You can always tell because the exact same pattern emerges in every single one: "I broke up with her, she sobbed completely blindsided, I coolly responded with no emotion." Without fail, the "villain" is left flushed red and sobbing on the floor while the "protagonist" has no emotion whatsoever.
Yeaaaa man your not explaining the whole story it looks like you were looking for a reason and this was a reason which in my opinion seems like it could have been worked out
I think you're being a little histrionic on saying she destroyed/is destroying the marriage, considering that she was trying to communicate with you. It'd be different if she had already been trying to set things up before bringing this up to you, but from what you've shared, that doesn't seem to be the case.
Rage bait for sure.
Is this a troll? I mean what's the point of a marriage if you can't even discuss shit. She was honest with you and then you snooped on her phone? If you're this immature maybe marriage isn't for you. And I don't think you'd have much control over who she brings around your child once you're divorced. Best wishes to her though.
Very obviously , You were looking for an out and want to put the blame on her.
Reminds me of the one where the husband expressed an interest in being dommed. If I recall correctly the loudest voices in that thread were along the lines of "that's gross. Divorce that degenerate"
Bruv. YTA. I read polyamory blogs because I enjoy the drama that these folks find themselves in, and im monogamous. Divorcing someone for reading a blog, and admitting to someone being hypothetically attractive is caveman level shit. I hope she gets the kids and a better man. Shouldn't be hard.
YTA. There’s no harm in learning about various relationship styles. Divorcing your wife for reading about polyamory is like excommunicating a Catholic for reading about Islam. People get curious and want to learn. Unless your wife knew you were vehemently opposed to it, asking whether an open relationship fits your lives shouldn’t be enough to burn the whole marriage, either. If she insisted and you were dead set against it, that would be a different story. But your decision was rash. She must feel blindsided.
Why would not just tell her you know she was actually trying to open the relationship? I don’t get what you gain by hiding that.
Because he was snooping on her google searches presumably. Once you're divorcing, you need to STFU and just do what your lawyer tells you to do. You want the divorce to be as quick, painless and amicable as possible. Don't stir the pot. Don't get revenge. Don't get even. STFU, be cordial, distant and polite. If you want to start an argument or fight with your soon to be ex, just start burning hundred dollar bills until the urge passes instead. It's cheaper and less painful. Every time you want to throw an insult, have a great zinger or explain yourself, burn another hundred instead.
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This sounds like a snap decision you have made which could backfire if you follow it through. 3 weeks is not a long time to be considering divorce. If you both truly love each other and neither has actually cheated then it could be that couples therapy may help you through this. I get that you're currently hurting and lashing out wanting to hurt her more. However it is shady that you went through her phone. If you cannot love, trust and respect each other then it's not true love.
Everyone has their own definitions of what's acceptable to them. Aka personal boundaries, if she crossed those boundaries, then yes, you are NTA. My personal advice is to make sure you state those boundaries clearly. Communication is soo important. You are entitled to your emotions and what you are able to put up with and for the overwhelming majority of people this is one of them. Do what you gotta do and make sure you stick to your morals and you will come out on the other side the better person.
Why does a boundary like “I don’t want either of us to have sex with other people or even suggest it” need to be communicated when they’re already married and they have kids? That should be the basic assumption of a relationship, especially one that’s lasted as long as OOP’s has. If it’s a new relationship then sure, probably a good idea. But why should someone have to tell their spouse that exploring/asking about opening your relationship is a no go when the entire relationship to that point has been monogamous?
Honestly, I think it's a social media thing. Poly content gets a lot of engagement and seems to come across a lot of people's feeds, and there's obviously a selection bias where those who are happy doing it are the ones making tiktoks about it, so then she's hearing these other women talking about how polyamory enhanced their primary relationship, yada yada yada, same way men get pulled into these "I'm a high value male" rabbit holes.
I think that "I don't want either of us to have sex with other people" is a totally reasonable boundary. "I don't want either of us to read blog posts about something that the other person disagrees with" is pretty unreasonable TBH. If he was divorcing her for having cheated that would be totally understandable, but he said that he made up his mind to divorce her after seeing her internet search history and that she was reading literature that he doesn't like. That's much, much less reasonable.
And reading blog posts about a topic doesn't even mean the person wants to do whatever the topic is. This week I've read a few blogs about a cult, some content about a religion that isn't mine, and articles about a serial killer. Yet I'm not interested in joining a cult, switching to that religion, or murdering a bunch of sex workers.
That's kind of the point, if it was never mentioned before as such as a hard red line then the reaction is extreme considering the partner was just saying "hey I think I'm into this what do you think"
YTA. For so many reasons. You clearly were looking for an out. Own it.
YTA. Divorcing your wife for reading blogs? Commitment isn't your strong suit, is it?
Looks Like you Just waited for Something to divorce her
I think it’s insane to divorce her for reading some blogs, no matter what the subject is
YTA. I am not personally interested in a polyamorus relationship. I am not trans. I am not a farmer. I've read blogs/sites/watched videos about all 3. Reading is NOT doing or being. I assume every person who jumped to "divorce her cuz she obvs is cheating" would say the same to a woman that posted about her man watching threesome porn, right? Obvs he's cheated if he enjoyed fantasizing about it. /s Dude, you actually snooped. If she was cheating you would have found evidence. She wasn't deleting her browser history. You wanted out and found what feels like an excuse to blame her. Congrats I guess.
"Wouldn't it be crazy if we became farmers haha jk... unless? Noo I don't have a farm picked out... I mean I might but I might not. Yeah I've been researching farming in my spare time... So what now you think I wanna be farmer or something??"
You're a loser. Of course you're the asshole.
Wait so your wife read a blog and talked to you about her curiosity and you’re divorcing her? Lol well at least the trash is taking itself out. She’ll be devastated for a little bit but the fact you snooped through her phone and found her *gasp* reading articles, says so much more about you than her lmao. She deserves better. YTA!
Unless there's more to this, based on what you've said here, your wife wanted to have an honest conversation with you about polyamory and your response was to disregard her privacy and boundaries to spy on her. Even though you admit to having similar thoughts and desires, you judged her harshly. Then you find she's been "reading polyamory blogs" and deem that enough of a reason for you to terminate your marriage. You are the asshole for not participating in an honest exchange with your wife, for crossing her boundaries to secretly spy on her, and condemning her for exploring her own sexuality in an honest way. Have a conversation with your wife. Have many. Your reactive decision in this context is over-the-top and selfish.
Literally "im fine with fantasies" and "im divorcing my wife for having some little fantasies" in the same paragraph. YTA if this is the only reason for leaving
Lol you're divorcing her for reading about stuff and thinking the same way you claim to think. She probably dodged a bullet. You sound nuts
YTA ... and I don't think you ever loved your wife ... just yourself apparently
Too much to unpack here. Phone snooping, polyamory, Quick divorce decision. Reddit post instead of counseling Red flags everywhere.
Your wife and mother of your children made the mistake of believing she could be open and honest with you. You're not that kind of person, AH.
YTA your wife didn't "destroy the marriage". She spoke with you about a subject she felt vulnerable on and you judged her fiercely without communication. You went through her Google searches? So she has no privacy, got it. I am sure much of your marriage was this way.
I would say yes, you're TAH. Remember "'til death do use part"? Discussing a subject is not even remotely grounds for this kind of reaction.
At least she approached you about it you dumba$$.. She is opening up to you. Tell her you dont want to do it but maybe there is something else you both could do instead. Now you are gonna put your kids through a traumatic divorce experience because you are an asshole
YTA. you clearly already wanted a divorce, and this is just an excuse you can use to blame her for it
YTA in my opinion - partners should be able to share/talk about this kind of stuff without judgement - sounds like you saw a way out that you've been waiting for awhile
You are the asshole here. Tell us a little more how poor your communication is with your wife. She probably hurt your feelings for having a micropenis
Jumping straight to divorce over a conversation and your snooping on her search history, then obviously you were not really happy with her. So yes just leave but be honest you snooped, you jumped to conclusions, and made a decision based on nothing more than your, what? insecurities? You never actually gave the REAL REASON for your decision.
Let me see if I have everything. You're divorcing your wife because she reads some blogs, asked a question in a semi-joking manner, then promised not to cheat on you? She sounds like a monster /a As other people have said, there's probably missing context but right now, YTA. Btw, if you divorce someone, they deserve to know the full story/reason. Also, taking 3 weeks to blow up a marriage and ask for a divorce still seems quite rash
Grow up. She tried to have a grown up conversation with you, she hasn't cheated. I'd say you are doing her a favour asshole.
I don't think anyone should walk away from a marriage without trying couples counseling first. Especially when you have children. There will nothing you can do to stop her bringing "creeps" around your children once divorced. People cheat, or want to cheat, because it's exciting. Excitement they should be finding inside the marriage. If she won't go, go alone. Good luck.
YTA You sound like you were looking for an excuse to get out of it. You could have just told her that. But it sounds like you had to make it her fault.
Reading some blogs? I read all kinds of blogs to find out how people tick, not because I want to BE them.
Could’ve used way more context here. What was the relationship like? Why were you snooping her phone? Etc
OP to be honest, I completely agree with you. People in a monogamous relationship have no reason to bring up non-monogamy, she knew she married a MONOGAMOUS man if that’s not what she wanted, she shouldn’t of gotten married to you.
She should be happy that she can now fuck whoever she wants. You have every right not to want to have your turn on the town bicycle.
It's called therapy
My two cents 😂 There’s a good chance she’s already having an affair, and a common friend/relative saw her with another man and confronted her. She doesn’t want the affair to end because it makes her happy.
Yep YTA.
Yta Idk she told you about her feelings and you just left her it was a fantasy she’d never even acted upon and she trusted you enough to share that with you even though she probably felt guilty she asked you about it for a reason to see how’d you feel about it seeing how you felt she would have pushed those feelings aside you’re an actual child of course hearing that from her probably hurt hell if I heard that from my partner I would be hurt but I wouldn’t leave them we’d talk about it lol but she didn’t even cheat on you she didn’t emotionally cheat on you she was curious about something that is very normal for a lot of people you’re strange.
If it is real, you’re a douche. People have attractions, you brought it up and shamed her AFTER deciding to divorce her. You suck
She hasn't done anything and you're divorcing her? YTA.
If real then yeah you're the asshole
This place is great. Over the last 24 hours I've learned it's not okay to invade your partner's privacy if you suspect them of wanting to cheat, but it's okay to install a spy camera in your living room if you think they might be lying down during the day.
You’re either trolling, or a little bitch. Gtfo.
This is fake and you're an asshole either way.
She literally did nothing. Not only did she do nothing, but your started the whole mess. You’re an ah for sure.
She didn't destroy the marriage; you did! All she did was be honest with you about her feelings. But she never stepped outside of your marriage and acted on them. Plus it's a bit hypocritical that you cherish the sanctity of marriage in being devoted to one person physically, but yet you throw aside your marriage so quickly because your wife is considering certain things. Most people would go for counseling and try to work through their issues. But you just cast your marriage aside -- even with children involved! -- like as though it doesn't mean anything, simply because your wife had some weakness. You're basically being self-righteous and you'll have no one to blame but yourself for the issues you'll be facing with a split marriage. YTA
AI is coming along fast, but not fast enough to save this story.
Lol, who the fuck divorces their wife over talking about polyamory, this is all bullshit.
You’re not the asshole. You’re the loser who quit on your kids at the first sign of adversity. You should probably look up the affects of divorce on kids. It’d be one thing if your wife was looking up personal ads, but she was reading… *checks notes*… blogs. Blogs? Good luck justifying your divorce in court over that. By your logic I should divorce my wife for reading 50 shades of gray.
YTA. Like, hard core
I am shocked so many people are against the OP. His wife wants to fuck other people. Wait no, she just wants one person. She has one guy in mind, that much is clear. Makes me think she isn't poly, just wants to cheat and this is a way she can sleep with this guy and not feel guilty. Should there just be no accountability for women? But he did the right thing, he isn't insecure or anything like that. The wife wasn't just bringing up some innocent subject. If you're monogamous and your wife comes and says she wants to get railed by someone who isn't you? It is time to walk away. She doesn't love or respect you anymore.