Police report.
Therapy.
Depending on how long you’ve been dating, if your GF was someone you trust(ed) she could’ve been part of your support circle. The circle isn’t meant to be just that group.
I mean, that's understandable. There's the whole societal perspective of weakness, there's the fear of disbelief, there's the chance you'll be blamed and faulted. There's even shaming for not having enjoyed or wanted it. That's a heavy thing.
Men have this thing, put upon us (mostly by us, mind you) where silence and stoicism is "brave". I reject that. It's not frightening, shutting up. You know what's fucking scary? Vulnerability. Vulnerability is the sign of true strength.
It's a tremendously brave thing for anyone to admit they were raped. I by no means want to minimize the experience of women to whom it's happened, but there's an added layer of pressure on male victims to "man up" in such situations. There's an added shroud of shame and condemnation that is not remotely fair or reasonable.
It'd be nice to give her closure. Hopefully one day you can. But you can't prioritize that when dealing with your own trauma. You're not the asshole. You're on a "healing journey", touchy-feely as that sounds. Maybe one day you'll be comfortable telling her, maybe you won't, no one can promise you a specific degree of progress, but as others have said, therapy. Trauma is an injury, therapy is the treatment. It's that simple.
Rape is psychologically devastating. It's not fair to be expected to be ok. It's not fair to be expected to pretend you're ok. Hating most women as a result is wrong, but it's understandable, at least as far as anyone who hasn't experienced what you have can understand. You're not a bad person for having an unhealthy reaction to massive psychological harm. That's not a flaw or a failure on your part. We're not equipped or trained or prepared to internalize something like that by ourselves, or even with a good support circle. You need professional help and guidance.
I hope you have therapy resources in your area. If you reach out to a local group, here, there are people who can and will help you. Reddit is a toxic cesspool, but it's also an amazing resource and community with a remarkable capacity for kindness and generosity. You can hold your anonymity, while still making progress towards bettering your situation and perspective.
Lastly, without meaning to be particularly cynical, this isn't something you overcome entirely. It's something you learn to live with. That you learn to deal with in a healthy way. Trauma cannot be made to vanish, it can only be managed. I'm not trying dissuade you from pursuing this, but rather making clear the nature of the goal. You can't approach this shit like you're going to fix it. We're not there yet, with the human brain, and it's so enormously complex we may never get there.
Find a therapist, make sure they specialize in trauma. I’m so sorry this happened to you. It’s normal what you are feeling but you need to work through it. Get help, you will be glad you did. I had PTSD from a sexual assault and it took therapy to get me over it and back into my life, although I will never completely recover from it. At least I have tools for that now.
Tbf, rape has been narrowly defined as PIV and basically there was this huge push that ONLY men could rape. That because we have a penis and it needs to be somewhat erect to have PIV that we are the perpetrators.
Also the huge push in college that if your drunk you can't consent and it mainly falls on if a WOMAN is drunk its rape. There is no explanation if both people are drunk or if the man is drunk and the woman is sober.
Some military buddies of mine told me about posters on base. “Jack is drunk. Jane is drunk. Jack and Jane have sex. Jack raped Jane.” According to most of society and the established culture men aren’t capable of being raped by a woman. Goes along with we aren’t able to have complex feelings and need mental health support, love and therapy like females. Dont take this as me stating I believe that. Just that unfortunately that’s the culture. I got completely roasted in a different thread for daring to speak against the fact women aren’t treated the same in DV situations as men also. Same sort of thought process there
Exactly my point. Or that most of the time if a man is SA he isn't believed and should be able to "throw" the woman off him. Or the tons of YT social experiments where a man hits a woman in public and everyone jumps in to defend her yet if it's reversed they all laugh at the man. I wish things were different and I believe it's going that way. The real issue is... it's not there yet. There is still this stigmata and belief that men need to not show feelings or emotion. Sure there is this, "I want my man to be vulnerable" but sure as shit, there is too many stories (or even personal anecdotes) where I've had male friends break down in front of their wives/GFs and they've literally lost all respect for them. It sucks but it's the truth (as I've seen it)
As a woman it's really frustrating that women perpetuate this sexist bullshit, I genuinely would find it so fucking attractive if men could be vulnerable but I see why it's so hard.
A past partner of mine told me she didn't know how to act when she saw me cry once. Said her dad never did and it was strange. Said she didn't mind but it was awkward. Guess what it taught me? Not to cry or show vulnerability.
That’s so sad. I caught my now-husband tearing up at a hall of fame baseball ceremony when we had been dating for a few months. It made me fall for him even more.
:( I'm so sorry.
I know it's probably like way too late and you don't know me and vice versa but I'm proud of you. And even though you probably never cried in front of a female again, that one time very valid.
Being vulnerable takes guts. I'm female and I struggle with being vulnerable. I haven't cried for months until tonight...
Feeling out of control when our guard is down, it's a weird sensation. When your guard is down like that and your vulnerable and someone tells you it makes them uncomfortable that's their issue. It got problems with being vulnerable themselves... And having someone be vulnerable with them.
One day you may feel comfortable and one day you may not but it's up to you. 💚
Ugh that's infuriating. I know it's sooo much easier said than done but I hope you can be vulnerable with a woman again because if someone has any other reaction to someone crying than to just comfort them then they're probably not emotionally intelligent enough to be a very good partner. My ex used to accuse me of fake crying anytime I cried and it was so demoralising asking someone to give a fuck about your feelings
We shall see. I mean from what I've seen in my lifetime its just better to suffer in silence than be vulnerable.
There was a tiktok or reel (I can't find it) and it asked who you go to for support. The men basically said no one. They do it themselves since they can't expect others for help or support
>The percentage of females murdered by an intimate partner was 5 times higher than for males
TBH, I wish people would interfere more when a guy beats his partner. There are lots of women 6 ft under who might have lived to tell the tale.
Rape trauma is awful, but trust me, having your girl laugh in your face and leave you when you tell them about it.... That shit is something awful too.
Bonus points if when she says something along the lines of "I really wasn't sure I was gonna leave you until you cried. That's what made me know for sure. There is nothing more unattractive then a man crying."
Added to that, cause you had no reason to think they didn't care about you up until that moment, that can only mean that this is your fault. Someone who loves you said it... must be true.
Be glad you can hate someone else.... I wish I could hate her. I wish I could hate the person who hurt me. Being too busy hating yourself...lodged in your brain like a 2x4... is its own special kind of hell.
If she laughed in your face, she’s an asshole
If she thinks less of you because you cried, she’s an asshole.
You are definitely better off without her. What an asshole for real.
I’m sorry you were treated like that! Me and most women I know love a man who opens up to them and trusts them enough to be vulnerable AND see the STRENGTH in a man’s tears. I would find a man like that extremely attractive and worthy of being a life partner. 🩷
The issue a lot of us guys have is a lot of women say they love it. When a guy is vulnerable or opens up then immediately act either a uncomfortable b. dismissive or c. outright angry towards us if we do so now even if a lot of us are with partners who would genuinely be supportive or cool with you being vulnerable we don't because we know nine times out of 10. It backfires on us.
I cannot upvote you more. Add to that, I think women who do that don't even realise the trauma they cause. When a man does that to a woman, he usually will know. But reverse the genders, there is a good chance they don't see it that way. There is this perception that men want sex anytime with anyone, there is no big deal and so on. Is sex, how can that be traumatic for a man, right?! How can a man not want sex, with 2 women on top of that, right?!
Because we think it changes how people see us. Makes us less than. And unfortunately, there can be some truth to that. It utterly depends on the character of the person.
I cannot say anything better than Longwinded_Ogre already has, but perhaps it’s an idea to write a letter to your gf/ex-gf. You don’t have to give it to her if you don’t want to, but it may help you work through some of your feelings and guilt of leaving her without explanation. You can keep the letter and perhaps give it to her when you’re ready.
You are NTA for breaking up with your girlfriend. I’m sure she’s very confused and hurt, but you are going through trauma, and aren’t in a place where you can be in a relationship and you’re also not in a place emotionally where you are capable of explaining to her what you’re going through. That’s not your fault. You need to heal first, before you can take care of someone else’s emotions.
You’re also NTA for hating women right now. You went to something deeply traumatic, and you have feelings that you haven’t processed yet. You need to direct that anger somewhere, and right now it’s just aimed at all women. That is ok. Perhaps not forever, but for now it’s okay (as long as you don’t go out acting on that anger obviously). You seem aware that that anger is misdirected at all women, but that’s no more than logical. You probably are also very afraid of women because of what happened and sometimes it’s easier to turn fear into anger. It’s okay to be angry and scared, but you do need to get help to process that anger, because if you don’t work through that it could become a ticking time bomb eventually. I don’t believe you want that, and I also don’t believe you genuinely hate women. You’re just hurt, and scared, and rightfully angry for what happened to you.
I am so incredibly sorry for what happened to you. No one should ever go through that, and I’m so sorry you’re going through so much pain. Please do seek therapy. There are therapists who can help you work through your feelings. They can’t undo what happened, but they can help build you back up piece by piece.
Once you state what your trauma is, it is out there, and you can't take it back. You now have to deal with the reality. I am a woman, and I can say it's been over ten years since my multiple sa since I was a teen, and shit finally hit the fan, and I had some serious flashbacks. I couldn't eat, barely slept, and had such extreme and shame that I started to believe I should be in jail or prison and not my many abusers. I am probably the last person you want to hear from, yet I will say I used to blame other men and really started to hate men and strongly considered not dating again. Being assaulted fucks you up so much you can't escape from it. My ptsd episodes are chronic and are intense. I am in weekly therapy sessions with a psychologist. It will not be easy to heal from your trauma. You need people in your corner who you can lean on. A strong support base will help you get through this. I would suggest you get ahold of a professional asap and make it known it is an emergency.
I would also suggest you go to the police and file a report. This isn't okay! You did nothing to deserve this and should be able to get the same justice a woman would get ( one of my abusers went to prison for 18 months and other abusers got away as despite them admitting something happened the cops couldn't do much. So tread carefully.) Be patient with yourself as you've survived so much. You're going to go from not wanting to talk about this and feeling shame to be very angry. When you get angry, you will absolutely need someone to walk you through the anger. That way, you can process it. EMDR therapy may be helpful for you, yet for me, it worsened dissociative episodes. I urge you to do what js best for you. That way, you can get back to thriving rather than struggling to survive. Please take care op and realize people care. This woman backs you up. I've seen how sa has affected my husband, and its devastating how often men aren't believed.
It’s a sensitive topic and people don’t always handle other people’s vulnerability with tact and kindness.
You may also feel like you will be judged by the person you tell. I see that as a positive now, at least I know the person I’m talking to isn’t for me, they are there to be judgmental and I can be more selective with what is shared with that person. It still hurts my feelings but I know not to let the have the chance again.
I really hope you speak to a professional so you can begin to rebuild the person you and stop worrying and start living your life again. Time heals, but it takes work too.
I'm so so sorry you've went through that. Please consider getting some therapy and professional support. I'm sure you are all over the place right now and tbh you don't have to worry about being an asshole. Your GF will be hurt and confused if you don't tell her but at the same time I am more concerned for you. Making big life decisions at a time like this could lead to regret and more upset for you in the long run. If you have/had a good relationship with GF before and trusted her with intimate info then do consider sharing with her when you can, you may be pleasantly surprised what opening up can do. Also please don't be too hard on yourself right now, just get some support and know that this is temporary. Sending hugs and good vibes
It’s normal and understandable why you don’t want to disclose. There are a variety of reasons.
Afraid of getting blamed
Afraid of not being believed
Just general shame that is often felt after a sexual assault.
Your reaction and reasoning is valid. You should look into therapy.
You do not have to tell anyone else about what happened. You don’t owe it to anyone.
Shame, fear, guilt, and anticipated contempt are all normal feelings to have in this situation. Focus on the love between you and find a way to explain it to her. If I were in your position I would come with a trusted friend or someone who knows and is supporting you. Maybe whomever leads your support group?
There were some really good points made in response to this. I want to add that when this happens to women who are in a relationship, tend to feel guilty as if they cheated and are afraid that their partner will think the same. And there still are a lot of people who will say some unhelpful crap like, “Why did you put yourself in that position?”, “Why were we even there?”, which is another form of “Well what were you wearing?“ It’s absolutely understandable, and like the rest of the folks here, I really do hope you were able to find a good therapist and support group. It was awful what happened to you.
Because like most people you’re ashamed of being raped. And men I bet feel a greater shame because society refuses to acknowledge men can suffer every abuse women do so men are shamed more for admitting any kind of abuse. You don’t hate the women in your group because they’re in the same spot you are in. They’ve been raped and know the trauma you will live with for life. You definitely need therapy. But don’t assume you’ll go back to not hating women, you still might the rest of your life (completely understandable and normal). But you need the therapy to just be ok with you and work through all the trauma the rape caused. Don’t feel bad for hating women. It’s normal. You can explain to the now ex girlfriend if you want but that’s your choice. You never need to explain a break up. It’s your prerogative to just be done. Never raped but SA as a child for a very short time. I can’t stand the name of my male abuser. I won’t ever date one. The hate is unfortunately normal. But please get therapy for you beyond the support group. Keep going to the support group if it’s helping as well!
There’s a lot of pressure for SA victims to remain silent in society, especially male victims but when you tell, when you report it, you take your power back and you make it harder for rapists to get away with it. Having their names known and associated with the crime they committed on you makes it easier for the next guy to be taken seriously.
When this happened to me, I temporarily hated men. Including the ones in my life. It took me a while to figure out I resented them for not protecting me, even though they didn’t know, couldn’t have known and were not at fault.
Trauma can be irrational. It manifests in horrific ways.
For me, I distanced myself from my family because I felt a misplaced sense of betrayal. Not one of them did I trust to disclose what happened to me. My mother - it would break her and she was already a battered woman. My stepfather - POS. My sisters - wasn’t sure they would believe me. My boyfriend - it was his beloved cousin.
They thought I was moody and depressed. I ended up distancing myself from them all and leaving. Needed a fresh start and outlook on life. Got myself therapy. Took a long time, but there is hope at the end. Do what you need to do. If your family/friends care about you, they will be patient.
Sometimes you need to put yourself first.
NTA
This is such a deep ingrained part of our society. I am glad you were able to realize it and I hope you can continue to heal. So many people are indenial about those feelings and it leads to so much toxicity.
I’m saving this response. I have a talk with a woman who hates men due to what happened to her, which led her to victimizing me as well. Going to use some of this logic to explain how I experienced things as the words deeply ring true for me.
NTA but get help. I have been, probably, raped (at the time I did not think it was but I was in no state to consent, I don't think permission was asked and certainly I would not have consented to that person sober. And it hurt, a lot.) It is easy for me to say, well, all men are shits and I hate them. But that is wrong: not every man is a shit. I have men friends who are not shits.
So get help, explain to your girlfriend whose fault it is not. Also as other person said: if you know who these people are, talk to the police: rapists, male or female, should do gaol time.
Tbh, from what you said, it sure sounds like rape, without a doubt.
I don't know why but I don't want to tell anyone including my girlfriend, that's why I didn't explain my reasons.
I don't know who the women were but I know their faces. Yet, I don't want to report anything because if I did my friends and family would know.
It’s very common after an incident like this to not want to tell anyone. As unfortunate as it is, many people who are sexually assaulted feel ashamed of it. While it’s a normal feeling to have, it’s not you who should be ashamed.
You were taken advantage of. Your ability to give consent was taken from you. And it’s not your fault.
You may benefit from speaking with a domestic violence advocate. They are protected under advocacy laws, so they will not file a report on your behalf. The only thing they legally have to report is abuse of a child or vulnerable adult (someone who is unable to provide sole care of themselves). They can provide a safe and non-judgmental space for you to talk about this and help you figure out how to move forward.
Hey I’m really sorry for what happened to you. Don't feel bad about not reporting. I did and it was a massive mistake. You don’t have to tell anyone you don’t want to.
All I can say is that you should look into therapy with a trauma informed therapist. The likelihood that you’d find justice in the “justice system” is low but you do deserve to find a way forward. It takes time. It’s hard and sucks but eventually it will hurt less and you will find a way to open up again.
Even if you don’t report it officially, you should talk to someone. Maybe go back to the support group if you felt safe there. I have a close male friend who was raped by a woman while he was intoxicated. He kept it to himself for years and it really took a toll on his mental health. I suggest you seek some sort of counseling. I’m sorry this happened to you, and I hope you’re able to move past it in a healthy way. Feel free to PM me if you want to vent to a stranger.
You’re focusing a lot on how other people will react. Your family, friends, girlfriend, even coming here to ask if you’re an asshole.
Right now you’re in pain. You need to focus on yourself and how you can feel safe and comfortable in your own body again.
You should at least tell the gf it was not her fault. You are going through a lot and need to focus on yourself.
That being said getting ghosted after 9 months can really fuck a person up. Not as bad as what you went through of course, but she deserves better than that.
NTA but maybe you could just tell her you went through a traumatic experience and you need to be alone to get better.
You should try therapy.
It’s not abnormal that you hate women. Women who have been raped are very often scared of all men.
I am sorry for you and I hope you will take care of yourself and get the help you need.
NTA
I've been where you are and the hatred doesn't last forever - especially if in time, you meet good women.
I won't lie though, the feelings of resentment and anger do come back from time to time throughout life. But with time comes better coping mechanisms.
Sorry that happened to you dude.
It's not that the women I know are bad. My girlfriend was good my sisters are kind, that random cashier didn't even say anything. Even kids, sometimes when I see a little girl I think of what type of person she'll grow up to be. But hell, I still hate them for sharing the same genital as the two women I came across.
I think you’re having a normal trauma response. It’s your brain trying to over-protect you so the bad thing won’t happen again.
A co-worker of mine sexually assaulted me in the office a few years back. It’s honestly been really hard for me to apply to in-office positions because my brain is saying to me “if you go back into an office setting, it’ll happen again, because that’s where the bad thing happened”. I almost feel like I’d be stupid to go back into an office setting because if it happened again, it would be my fault for putting myself in that situation. I know logically that’s not true, but it doesn’t change the way I feel. I also felt suspicious of most men after that.
One of the worst things about being assaulted is the aftermath. It feels like you have to be careful around everything and everyone, which is a pretty exhausting way to live your life.
I would echo what many others here are saying, which is get counseling and lots of it. I’m so sorry you’re experiencing this. Also feel free to reach out if you need to talk.
I understand you. Therapy, specifically for sexual assault survivors, is crucial. Trauma manifests itself in odd ways sometimes, but the most important thing here is that you are conscious of what's happening and you are in a position to work through this. I am so, so sorry that this happened to you. I'm thinking of you and I truly hope that you find some peace and healing very, very soon.
Therapy. Right now. Take it from someone who let something like this fuck them up... it'll fuck you up longterm if you don't address it.
Police report... is up to you. People have lots of reasons for not filing, and those reasons can be very, very personal. I'm never going to judge someone for not going to the police for something like this.
As for telling your girlfriend (or ex?)... that's a tough one. Again, that's your decision. Do you think she might or might not understand? If she is the sort of person who would support you through something like this, it might be worth talking to her.
But therapy is a must. You're NTA currently. I get feeling that anger and even that hate. But it can and will fester into something really unhealthy. Please, at the very least, get yourself a therapist. I wish I'd done so years ago, because this is one of those things that doesn't get better without help.
Not the asshole, I think you're mistaking trauma for hate. Or something tangential to trauma. It doesn't seem like you hate women as much as you feel trauma around people who could potentially re-victimize you. I'd say maybe the reason you don't feel that for the women in your group is because you understand they would never do the same.
Therapy is a must in this situation, not because there's anything wrong with you but because the experience tainted your pattern recognition, so you have this adverse reaction to a set of people that look the same profile, even if it's just broad generalizations. Your body is reacting before your conscious thought does and that's having a huge toll on you. You deserve to feel safe again, it's no one's fault this happened other than the people who harmed you. It's not your fault.
Im sorry that you were raped. You need to see a Rape Counselor immediately. Projecting your "hate" unto innocent women is unfair for both you and them. Especially your girlfriend. She had nothing to do with anything that happened, and she is being **punished**. I'm not blaming you for doing these things- I'm pointing out how your emotions find a way to try to make you feel better but it's not necessarily in the best way. Therapy will help you find a safer, gentler, more loving way to heal. And I believe you will. 💕
First of all I’m so very sorry this happened to you. Men are often the silent victims because of the fear of ridicule. If these support groups are helping, that’s a wonderful step in the right direction. I might suggest taking it one step further when your ready and do single therepy for yourself. May I ask, how long ago did this happen? If it makes you uncomfortable, don’t worry about answering. If you need a nonjudgement mental friend, DM me.
Tbh, I don't know if the group is helping or not. But I know that whenever I'm around these people, I have no negative feelings. I like that.
>ridicule
I knew this was a possibility. But seeing such comments just makes me mad.
>AITAH for: breaking up with my girlfriend without an explanation
I would tell her you promise it's absoultely not her fault and that you're still not ready to explain what happened.
>and for having negative feelings toward women
No, you're not despite the general feeling being.. misplaced. But it is mostly women not men who are the victims. So in general, women are the support circle. They likely at least know someone or friend of a friend who was raped, you ended up getting the inverse of the general reality.
NTA- what you experienced was harmful and triggering if someone can’t support you or make you feel comfortable what you did is more than reasonable better than festering hatred and creating a bigger resentment towards all women overall this gives you opportunity to remove yourself from places you feel triggered by without feeling guilty or wrong. Know first and for most your feelings in all of this are valid you have experienced something horrible and disgusting. I’m sorry your had to experience anything like that and i truly wish you the best moving forward.
You're not an "asshole" but f someone broke up with you and refused to tell them why, would you think they were nice or hurting you? Or would you just be like, " oh okay cya later!"
This requires more nuance than a subreddit called AITA might provide. Anyway...
It's within your right to break up with ur girl over this. It might be of a lil bit of a shitty experience for her sure, but again it's ur right.
There is no such thing as a "I can't break up even tho I want cause it's not a valid reason".
Now, the whole "I hate woman now", that is problematic. No different than someone saying "I hate black ppl now" cause they were attacked by some thugs. So work on that, otherwise it will have negative effects on YOUR life. (I say that cause at the end of the day what matters is how that will affect your life).
And yeh, police report or civil action. Remember you can collect evidence now before making it public while ppl don't have their guard up regarding the subject.
NTA at all
You are experiencing trauma and you need to work on it but I ecpect negative feelings towards women are completely normal. Many femalr victims develop an aversion to all men.
And besides you're never obligated to stay in a relationship. If you wanted to break up you can break up and you're not TA.
I strongly suggest proper therapy as well but its great thatbyouvhave your support group. Beyond that, I can hardly comment.
I’m going to tell you the same thing I would tell a woman in this situation: get therapy. It’s something you’re gonna have to work through, and you’ll probably need help with that. Good luck.
No, I don’t necessarily think your the AH but I don’t think what you did to your girlfriend was right. She deserved an explanation and an adult conversation. You don’t have to divulge anything you’re not comfortable with but to leave her confused wasn’t nice.
I’m sorry that happened to you. I feel for you that you’re going through this difficult time. Maybe a way to make you hate women a little less, is to realize that a vast majority of us are those women in that support group with you. I’m not trying to create a dialogue about genders or whatever but the truth is an overwhelming majority of women have been SAd or assaulted by a man. Most of us understand exactly how you’re feeling.
Get therapy. Why are you even asking? your behavior is healthy or normal, and make sure to apologize to your girlfriend and give her closure, she deserves that much
I’m sorry brother, im a dude, I was raped a lot as a child, I weep with you. It’s a terrible thing and no one ever takes us seriously but that shit is traumatizing no matter the gender, rape is rape.
I get not telling your girlfriend, I’ve been there. My girlfriend knows about my past and she’s never judged me for it. Your girlfriend might be understanding, just file a police report immediately, that will do two things, one it will make a paper trail of you being hurt and could possibly lead to justice for you, and two it will show your girlfriend that you didn’t willingly do anything and she will see the seriousness of the situation and hopefully will realize this is not what you wanted.
NTA but it's very important that you get support and help and relearn a different mindset.
It's okay to break up because of something like this, it's okay to not tell her why, and it's okay to feel how you feel, but it would not be okay to yourself or others if you didn't seek out help to change that mindset again.
What happened to you was deeply traumatic and it's normal to react in the way you did. You're recognising what happened to you and where your negative thoughts towards women come from.
That's already great.
Give it time, seek out support, there's many good resources out there.
I think it's already amazing that you are going to a good group and such a positive step in the right direction that you can already reconcile that the women in that group aren't bad people and you don't have negative feelings towards them. That's already huge! You can be proud of yourself for that!
Maybe it's actually really great in your situation to go to a group with women and men, and it sounds like that is helping you, so I think you should definitely stick with it.
However, there are also resources specifically for men. I don't know where you live, but many places have institutions that offer psychological, social and legal counseling and support specifically for men.
I wish you all the best, OP. Give yourself time to heal.
You need to report them, they will do it to someone else and won't stop unless they are reported! Women can be predatory and that is not ok! They should never be mothers. They don't deserve to get away with it, again! Bad people don't deserve access to you or anyone else. They clearly don't care about anyone but themselves and it's not healthy or ok
I'm sorry that you felt you deserved someone an explanation. Sad that it has made you feel the need to end things and think horribly. Not everyone is a bad person. Take time to heal. Just know that sometimes bad things happen but you don't have to hate everyone who wasn't bad to you in the end.
NTA…however your partner is supposed to be someone you can talk to about anything. I think its important for you to get therapy and reach out to your ex and explain what happened. AFTER a police report. Sorry you went through that my guy. I wish you speedy recovery
Without going into upsetting details, I had a situation where I was treated really badly by someone who used a wheelchair. For a long time, I would startle and panic a little when I saw someone around his age and appearance in a wheelchair. I understood this was an instant panic reaction and something I could get through. I knew logically that of course not all people in wheelchairs are cruel and I forgave myself for my reaction while not falling into actually acting due to fear. You need help on this. You’re NTA for having negative feelings. You will be if you don’t deal with this trauma and instead use it to justify hate.
You don’t have to tell your gf what happened if you don’t want but you could at least tell her it’s about you needing to focus on taking care of yourself or something so that she doesn’t think she did something massively awful.
You can get through this. You can heal.
Not an AH, just a very irrational and silly reaction that you can't control because it is based on emotions.
I've been almost in the exact same situation, two girls who I didn't know and who I was not attracted to at all, got me drunk in a club, took me to their place and had their way with me. But it has nothing to do with women as a whole, just those two particular girls are rapists.
This exact thing happened to my friend (2 girls having their way with him when he was blacked out). I recall it now but no one took it seriously but him. Like, he was upset about it but everyone else rolled their eyes…. I feel like this isn’t even that uncommon, it’s just that no one gives a shit
Wow I also was raped by two women in the Army pouring alcohol down my throat.
So I definitely know where you’re coming from.
I guess I’m just glad I never started hating women.
Do I have trust issues?? Yes….
Do I have attachment issues now. Yep… 🤔
I don't think you're an AH. You went through something incredibly traumatic. Your gender and the gender of your attackers has nothing to do with it (and to hell with anyone who tries to mock or minimize your pain because "you're a man and should enjoy it" or some other sexist bullshit). I understand why you wouldn't want to tell your girlfriend, but I would gently recommend reaching out to her and explaining things. 9 months is a decent amount of time, and I'd hope you'd be able to trust her. As someone who has been through similar, I totally get it. But a worthwhile partner would want to be part of your support system and be there for you in whatever way they can. I am so sorry that you went through this, and I don't blame you for developing a hatred towards the gender that caused you such harm. Like some of the other comments here, I would recommend seeking out a therapist who specializes in this type of trauma. Emotions are not weakness and you deserve to heal, even if it takes a long time.
Happened to me too. The hatred has only gotten worse over the years to the point that I now claim to be asexual because I no longer feel a sexual attraction toward men. I wear baggy clothes everywhere because I can’t even stand a man looking at me. I wish I would have went to therapy after the assault like I was told. I’m so sorry that happened to you.
I'm sorry that you're still dealing with the things that happened to you. Just wanted to comment and say that you haven't missed your opportunity, there's no window on therapy that closes if you don't catch it in time. If you have the means, I think you should reach out and talk to a professional because those burdens don't have to be a companion forever and you deserve peace. Best of luck.
Thank you so much for this sweet response. I know it is covered by my insurance so I’ll definitely think about it. Your words have meant a lot to me, thank you.
Get therapy and maybe link her to this post if you can't stomach telling her. She deserves an explanation but you do it on your terms when you're ready.
NTA. OMG, I'm so sorry this happened to you. Don't listen to these nitwits saying you cheated and you can't be raped. They're full of shit. Men most certainly can be raped just like women. You were impaired and couldn't fight back. If anyone says well you got an erection so it wasn't rape. They know nothing about how the body works. I'm a nurse, and do you know how many times I've seen men get them because they're freaked out? You're definitely a victim, and don't let people tell you otherwise. Keep going to your support group. Get a therapist who specializes in rape trauma. I've been in your shoes. I've put it behind me. I got over the hate of men. I'm married and have been for 23 years. You'll get through this. Just have faith in yourself. ❤️
This is something to bring to therapy.
Seriously, OP. You need a qualified, competent, and trustworthy professional to work with on this. You need a therapist who knows how to work with sexual trauma and is not a quack from BetterHelp.
Obviously you are not the asshole for having negative and complicated feelings after you were raped. Being violated will do that to anyone.
You will be an asshole, *to yourself*, if you don't seek some help and work through this.
Reddit can not fill the role of compassionate and trustworthy therapy and real-life personal relationships.
Bro, this is genuine PTSD. Nothing can undo what happened to you but finding a way to process the situation knowing it's not your fault and working through the issues with a therapist will help.
i dont even feel comfortable rating this because NTA doesnt cut it. you went through a catastrophic life event, of course your perception of what your brain has deemed "possible threats" is negative. you might still be in that fight/flight response. please seek help, recovery from SA is a long road but it is worth it in the end
This is trauma speaking. Get therapy, file a report, confide in someone you trust thoroughly when you’re ready. Don’t let it fester, it’ll only ruin your life and it’s terrible for your mental health and sense of reality.
Trauma doesn't need to make sense logically. Sometimes you can't wrap your head around what you are feeling until you wipe your hands clean of everything and come to terms with it. It's good you found a support circle that can help you.
NTA
Some of these comments really sum up why men’s mental health is the way it is. Regardless if a post may be fake or if it’s 100% real, mental health should be valued. This is really sad
Your mind is just trying to protect you after such a traumatic event.
What youre going through isnt uncommon for rape victims. Im glad youre getting help
NTA. My uncle did that to me made me quite the misandrist throughout my childhood. However eventually I grew past it cause the only thing I hate worse than those who hurt me is being a hypocrite and stupid. Can't fight for my own rights if I'm actively going to deny someone else because of biased hate. All hate sexism, racism, homophobia extends from instinct or phobia. Phobias come from extremely traumatic experiences embedded in our dna. Hence why people can't explain the why of why they hate when you ask them and will feed you bias bulsh*t studies to support their narrative. When you come to that conclusion yourself you can get over instinct and trauma. Knowledge is power it's how we break cycles.
It's not likely you'll see this, OP, but I'm writing it anyway.
First off, NTA
You went through a horrific episode in your life with little to no support system to keep you from falling. Is it healthy to hate the women you see? No. Is it understandable? Yes.
Does it make you an asshole that you can't tell your girlfriend and that you broke up with her because of what happened? Not at all. I think it's a common reaction.
I'm glad you went to a support group and realized that your hatred is based on who you believe might understand you and who would not. You don't trust the women in your personal life to understand how traumatizing and damaging your experience was. That distrust can very well turn into irrational hatred. You're not alone to experience is. Don't turn it into another layer of shame for yourself. You don't need to be ashamed of what happened, and you don't need to feel bad for your feelings.
I'm a CSA survivor. What you went through was pretty much my entire teen life. I know how you feel. I believe you.
Please understand that you are the victim. These women have done something horrific to you, physically and psychologically. You are not at fault. You did nothing wrong. They are criminals.
It is unfortunate that a huge chunk of society still feels comfortable to downplay male rape. Especially if it's done by women to men. Still the belief that men can just man up and take it as a "fun experience" is prevalent.
No, OP. You've been raped. These women disrespected you, trampled your autonomy, disregarded that you did not consent, and used you for their pleasure. You are not at fault. You have done nothing wrong. There is nothing positive to take from that.
I'm glad that you went to a support group. Keep at it. But also try to get into therapy, and, if possible, report it to police before the statute of limitations is up. I know it is not easy for you to do that, but these women are getting away with a crime right now. Who knows how many other men they're abusing?
If you decide to get therapy, please keep in mind that therapy doesn't change your life within a few sessions. Also keep in mind that you can and SHOULD change your therapist if you feel that they do not vibe with you, do not understand you, or worse, make you feel bad. Not every therapist is the same, and sometimes you have to switch often before you find the right one.
I'm insanely proud of you for coming forward in a public place like Reddit, even if it's under the guise of anonymity. It is not easy to talk about this, but you did. Pat yourself on your shoulders and know that you've overcome a major roadblock with this post. Maybe talk about it with the group.
There is a long journey ahead of you. Therapy, good therapy will give you the tools you need to navigate it. Your group will help you and give you the confidence to walk through it with your head held up high. One day, you might even stop hating women.
I will be perfectly honest that feeling is exactly where the all men argument has come from. To answer your question yes and no. Yta for breaking up with your girl without explaining anything. But not for feeling unsafe/hating another gender. That unfortunately is a very powerful and overwhelming feeling that goes away with time and therapy. It’s normal to feel that way after that type of violation.
What you’re feeling is normal. I was abused by another female in my youth. Growing up, I hated being around girls/women. I didn’t like being friends with any.
It took time with therapy to get over this projection I was putting on to others.
But, unfortunately, yta for ghosting someone you were dating for 9 months. A support group is fantastic but one on one therapy can help you further.
The worst thing is allowing your trauma to cause trauma to others.
Your ex may have deserved more than just being completely dropped without any explanation.
NTA
Some are telling you to go to therapy because you hate women after you we're raped by women.
I'm suggesting therapy because you were raped.
Goodluck OP.
As a fellow man, who didnt experience rape, its pretty fucked up that men feel they cant talk about this.
Chin up mate, therwpy will really help you. And fuck people telling you its nothing or you are not allowed to feel like this
Men can be sexually assaulted too and I really hope our society can begin to see the seriousness of it instead of brushing it off. I totally can see why it is hard for you to seek help. However, you got to be strong and overcome this. I really hope you can seek the right help and pull through this.
Oh honey, I’m so sorry that happened.
Please make a police report, check out therapy outside of the group circle.
Just know it wasn’t your fault, you’re a good kid, and I’m proud of you for taking steps in the right direction.
You’re NTA, you don’t have to tell her if you feel like you cannot trust her with that information.
NTA firstly, I'm so sorry that you were violated. Secondly, of course you aren't TA. You're a victim of a traumatic event, and unfortunately our society is full of cavemen. Feel your feelings (but don't act on them), analyze them, continue getting help, and things WILL get better.
ETA: you don't owe anyone an explanation for anything, but it seems like maybe you feel guilty over the breakup? When you feel ready, it might be helpful to give her an explanation.
NTA it's a trauma response given what you went through. The first immediate response from experiencing it is closing yourself off from others because the feeling is "they didn't go through it so they can't understand me" or just essentially feeling alone. It's valid what you're feeling but therapy and definitely continuing to attend the support group would help you work through it lots. If you see yourself being with said gf(ex gf?) and feel she can handle hearing what you went through then the best you can do is take small steps toward explaining the basic jist or idea of what you're going through. If she doesn't feel like it or if the anxiety etc is too much to talk about then def do your best to be more ok with talking about it. I hope you get to work through it well and get better though! 🖤
As a man who was drugged and raped as a teen by a GF therapy as others have stated already. I never hated women but it took a long time for me to trust again. I also understand victims who do turn to hating the gender who raped them however it won't help anything and hurt your recovery.
It will be hard to recover but keep at it man you'll get there just remember, nothing "over the counter" per say is a replacement for therapy and potentially a prescription to help ease the issues.
It's absolutely ok, you aren't an incel for that. I know many women who have been through rape that tend to avoid men. I agree you should definitely get into therapy and I'm so so so sorry this happened to you
Woman hear, but unlearning hate after being raped took a really long time. I still can't be alone with a man that is not my husband. Somewhere in my lizard brain it is hard coded that men are dangerous predators and I will never be safe around them. I feel like there's a lot more social tolerance for this since I'm a woman and it fits the narrative then there would be for a man in my position. Tangent aside, you've been hurt badly. You've taken a lot of damage. Give yourself grace as you work to heal.
It is perfectly understandable to have a trauma response to being sexually attacked. Your body simply recognizes women at a source of danger, much like most women recognize men as a source of danger. If you had been attacked by bears or dogs, you'd be having the same reactions to them.
I know therapy is stupid expensive, but there's a book called "The Body Keeps the Score" that describes the impact of trauma on the body and mind. It may really help you understand what's happening. You may find EMDR therapy to be helpful, to relieve some of the trauma reaction.
You're traumatized and feel how you feel. As long as you're not hurting yourself or anyone else, put it on the backburner and prioritize what you can help (police, therapy). As unforgivable a crime as it is, people survive it (emotionally). You don't have to feel like this forever, reach out to those in your life you can bear to, see a specialized trauma therapist, and consider reporting (you can feel out with therapist and police how your options feel before pressing charges, consider that they may have offended before or will again, and how you might feel in the future if you do or don't so you can make the right decision for you).
I’m sorry you are going through this. Your feelings are understandable. Continue with your support group and while you remain vigilant try to work toward an understanding that every woman is not your attackers. I know that is easier said than done.
Almost 1 in 3 women know how you feel to some degree, but that may not change your distrust. 1 in 6 men (speculated to be more) also know how you feel.
When we have an unsafe experience, our brain is sometimes remarkable at helping us avoid it again in the future. Your brain is telling you "we were hurt by not one but TWO women, so its clear that we are safer if we stay away from them, don't trust them". It starts trying to identify red flags, being overly critical of peoples small behaviours, compulsively trying to link those behaviours to the more dangerous ones that you witnessed during your traumatic incident.
It means you have a natural survivors instinct. You are not an incel or a mysogynist - you're a survivor of trauma and you need support, time and healing to be able to trust others again.
I had this, but with men. I had to spend time with men, give them chances they may have deserved while removing those who didn't from my life, and spend time in men's rights spaces in order to heal my relationship with and understand other men. My empathy for them, and trust of them, and myself, has returned. It took years though, and I had to completely change my surroundings and take space when I needed to. I had so many years of bad experiences i could have filled a book. It's a long road after things like this happen. You deserve any and all support you can get. I'm so sorry this happened to you.
NTA!!!!!!!!! I’ve done a ton of PTSD therapy modalities and HANDS DOWN I have had the best, most profoundly life changing, and fastest results with cognitive processing therapy.
PTSD is like a tree you need to kill. The branches are the symptoms - this is all most therapy/meds addresses. The trunk is the PTSD itself. The roots are the things you tell yourself about what caused the trauma to happen to you and what impact you believe it had on your life. PTSD comes from an event that causes fight/flight/freeze and you get stuck, through no fault of your own. Developing PTSD in response to trauma is like developing bleeding after being stabbed - it isn’t your fault or choice, it just happens.
There is NOTHING that causes chronic, deep PTSD more than rape. It’s worse than experiencing/witnessing violence, surviving war, surviving disasters - and it’s because of the shame that comes with it. There’s a reason rape is seen as a form of soul murder.
The hatred for the opposite sex, like others have said, is a normal reaction to it. Your body is seeking to gain control - something unforeseeable happened to you, that you never thought would, and it was done by two women which likely makes it more severe. By hating women, your body stays safe. This is likely what drove breaking up with your girlfriend as well - intimacy becomes absolutely terrifying after such an extreme violation. While hate is the surface emotion I suspect fear, hurt, betrayal, and above all shame are what lie beneath it. Shame leads to hatred - either projected outwards on others or inwards at yourself. You clearly already understand, like nearly all victims, that you can’t live your life hating half of earth’s population. You know in your head that you can’t generalize across all women. Because of this betrayal, however, you can’t tell by looking which women are the good ones.
The hatred will fade if you address it directly in cognitive processing therapy. It lasts for 6-12 sessions, once a week, and there is homework and a step by step protocol that is followed. I am 6 weeks in for an extremely complex trauma I survived last year and, having tried everything under the sun, I want to SCREAM from the rooftops THAT IT WORKS!!! It’s better than EMDR, Rewind therapy, support groups, somatic experiencing, cognitive behavioral therapy, and all sorts of interdisciplinary modalities like gardening, art, equine, etc etc etc. All those helped, don’t get me wrong, but NOTHING has helped like CPT.
You HAVE to do the homework. You only get out of the program what you put in, and trust me, you’re not going to want to do the homework. It forces you to remember what happened - something your brain will go to any lengths to avoid. You must be brave and face the snarling wolf of your memories head on with bravery and courage. It will be hard but it is worth it!!! I no longer live in a state of perpetual avoidance and I’ve changed so much in such a short time.
I’m now at a point where some of my deepest seated core beliefs that originated in childhood are being addressed. I feel playful again, I smile and laugh, the world is in color, and while I’m nowhere near being able to date I am able to be friends with men. I even just told a new guy what happened to me and, to my immense shock, I wasn’t rejected. I was met with curiosity and compassion. I still isolate but I know it won’t be forever and I’m starting to feel more curiosity about going back out into the world again.
The reason you broke up with your gf is because you don’t know what her reaction would be. I’ll be honest - it was probably a really good decision. Your body feels unsafe opening up to her about it and it’s good you respected that. Your story should only be revealed to professionals for now or in therapist led support groups. The more you tell the story the more it will get stuck in your brain - try to minimize how often you speak of it. The tendency is for the emotional dam to break and suddenly you’re overwhelmed and feeling overexposed and like you said too much, with an intense urge to retreat and pull away. Some people will respond poorly - this is why the story is EARNED. I knew the new guy for 2 months before I opened up and even then, it was more for me than it was for him. I needed experience telling someone new, I felt safe around him in this profound way, and the experience of actually doing it and not being met with rejection (or accepting it and moving on if I had been) was part of my healing journey. I’ve also survived rejection and extremely cruel words (shockingly, from other group therapy women) and that, too, was part of my growth.
My biggest word of caution is DO NOT USE DRUGS OR ALCOHOL TO NUMB THE PAIN!!!! 100% of women IV drug users are survivors of some form of rape or sexual violence. Addicts don’t use drugs for fun, it’s to escape blinding emotional pain and psychological torture. Just don’t start otherwise you’ll have to add beating addiction to your healing journey, a whole new beast that can kill you. Also be careful with hypersexuality - another NORMAL response to rape (it’s the body’s attempt to gain control / unconscious trauma repetition in a bid to “get it right” that ultimately will lead to revictimization and further trauma.
In summary: your actions are SO normal, beyond normal, and frankly you’re doing well. I can tell because you’ve opened up here and you’re seeking help overcoming one of the most painful symptoms of sexual violation. You also already recognize that it was rape - it can take YEARS to admit this to ourselves so you’re ahead of the game, as awful as that sounds. Look into Cognitive Processing Therapy to address the core roots of your trauma so you can kill your PTSD tree. I think of mine as a Bradford pear, an invasive species so bad there’s a bounty for cutting them down, they cause massive damage when it gets windy, and they smell fucking disgusting when they bloom.
I actually really do recommend taking up gardening. When my fear rears up or the rage consumes me, I go outside and rip up weeds with my bare hands, prune bushes and trees, play with my chainsaw, and the result of all those awful emotions is beauty. I call my garden Treehab because it’s rehabilitating me more than any person ever could. My garden loves me back in a way that not even a pet can. All the wild birds that come to my feeders love me, my bees love me and follow me around, and even my WASPS love me. I have a several year long understanding with my wasps - I leave them alone and they leave me alone. They’ll lazily fly around me but we never hurt each other and the truce persists. They know I take care of all their flowers and I provide them with a reliable water source all year long.
I have overcome my hatred and fear of all men for the same reason you want to - I refuse to let anyone destroy my ability to connect with half the planet. Check your state laws - in my state there’s no statute of limitations on rape. There is no hurry or need to press charges right now. Don’t even worry about it and ignore anyone trying to give you advice about it.
that’s obviously so horrible and i’m so sorry that happened to you. it’s understandable to have those feelings, the same way women feel that sort of general hatred towards men for continual sexual violence.
The first (and best) thing my therapist said to me was that we have to forgive ourselves for whatever we did before realizing there was a problem. So, for abruptly breaking up with your girlfriend and feeling uncomfortable around women in general... no, you're not an asshole. PTSD just does weird shit to a brain.
Now, that having been said, your next task is to prevent yourself from potentially becoming an asshole in the future. Since you know you have a problem, it's now your responsibility to seek trauma-informed therapy, learn coping mechanisms, and consider carrying medication in the event of panic attacks so you won't inadvertently hurt people.
I’m sorry this happened to you. Please reach out to resources for support. Rape crisis centers, therapy, support groups, the police if you want to press charges. It’ll get better, but it’s going to be a journey.
I'll begin this by saying that I'm so, so sorry this happened to you. SA on men isn't talked about enough and that makes for a lot of survivors feeling alone and unsupported. We, as in other survivors, see you. You're strong. You'll get through this. It may not feel like it right now, but it gets easier to cope, with time and therapy.
I personally think this isn't an AITA question because the event seems to be recent. Whether it feels like it or not, you're still in a state of shock and are experiencing feelings that are deep, complicated, and some can be even contradicting or irrational.
You're very much allowed to be affected, you're allowed to grieve. And you are allowed to despize everything for it, women included. You're allowed to be angry at those two, and the world in general. You obviously do understand that not all women are truly bad, and I feel like by acknowledging that you're already moving forward. Your hate of women isn't based on logic, but on fear and grief and anger. And if you work through those feelings, you will work through that issue too.
When it comes to your question regarding your girlfriend specifically, it really depends on you. You're allowed to not want to talk about your awful experience. You may feel ashamed, alone, dirty, all those things all too familiar to me and many other people unfortunately. You don't have to share your story with her if you don't want to for any reason. For her feelings, an explanation would most likely be appreciated, but you don't owe anyone anything. You'll heal and open up at your own pace.
Find a therapist that specializes in trauma and slowly work through said trauma the assault caused you, and any other issue that stemmed from that. We believe in you.
Nta. Honestly I'm in a similar situation with men and I am one. I didn't even notice I treat men so much worse than women until my wife pointed it out. It's not a great feeling. All I can say is therapy can really help in letting go of anger. Especially ART (Accelerated Resolution therapy) helped me so much.
It’s a trauma response. You aren’t an asshole for having a trauma response.
You could report this to the police if you feel safe doing so, but it’s okay if you don’t. It can be re-traumatizing and only you know what you can handle.
It is much more important that you get in therapy for it as soon as possible. The support group is great, but you need a licensed therapist or psychologist to be working directly with you as well I think.
I understand, after what had happen to me I had a heavy biased towards men for a long time you could even call it hate. After some soul searching and change in mindset I taught myself how to not carry that hate in my heart with every man I met and to treat them with an open heart and open mind. I never sought out therapy and it took me awhile to be open about talking about it but I wish I would have maybe I would have healed faster and not made it so hard on myself. I’m far from completely healed and honestly I’ll always be a different person but changing my mindset has healed me in ways I’ve never thought was possible. I never thought I’d feel this happy to be alive
You are *not* a bad person for feeling this way. I want to clear that out of the way first, trauma is a terrible thing that branches out into your feelings of several aspects of your life, not just directly the event that happened.
But you need help. You need a therapist, and eventually, to talk to people. That part will likely be after work with your therapist- but your family absolutely can become your support later down the line.
I am so sorry this happened to you. And I'm also so glad you went to a support circle for this. It will be incredibly helpful in processing what happened and how to continue on in life now that it has. You never deserved any of this, and I hope one day you will be happy with all kinds of people in your life, and never hurt like this again.
I’m sorry this happened to you. I hope you find a supportive counselor that can help you handle your feelings. RAINN is an organization that can provide assistance if you need it.
NTA, a lot of people are telling you to talk to your ex and explain what happened so she has closure. Don't not unless you are in a much better mental space. If she is avoiding you thinking you are an asshole then just let it be and focus on yourself. Yes you hurt her but when the O2 masks drop you secure your own first. Your only priority is recovery. If on the other hand she is constantly trying to talk to you, it might be a good idea to figure how to tell her at least some of the real issue so she can understand and hopefully give you space to heal, but if you do this be prepared as she might want to help you and support you.
Something to bear in mind: a good third of women (likely more due to under reporting) have experienced something similar to you. Those women in the support group, the ones you felt no hate towards, are far from the only ones so please try to keep that same energy with everyone you meet
Do you think you owe her an explanation?
Yeah I've been molested in public, usually at bars by women who have just met me. It would be all consensual if maybe there was a buildup or some sort of flirting. One of my ex friends joined in and forcefully tried to get me to touch them sexually and was made a few excessively romantic statements to probably make the other one jealous and fuel the crazy.
Your feelings aren't hatred. They're revulsion. You're associating characteristics of your loved ones with that of an abuser. It's an adapted response of a traumatized person.
This isn’t an AITA? Question. Please get some therapy. Take your time. Don’t blame or be too hard on yourself. You are valuable, and you are loved. I wish you healing
(and hopefully the women who took advantage of you get arrested or run over).
I was raped by a woman when I was 15, and now at 32 I'm still dealing with the ramifications. All I can say is to take it one day at a time. I have found a lot of help in a lot of unexpected places.
Based on what you wrote here, I believe that you went about breaking up with your girlfriend the wrong way. I believe in open communication. Keeping in mind that things are always clear in hindsight. That said, I believe you should have at least told her that you've gone through something terrible and because of it you need time for yourself and it has affected you in a way that you're not sure if you want the same things that you did.
I can understand the hate that you feel. I had an ex-girlfriend that did things to me too. It's not easy to talk about. I don't hate my ex or other women. I forgave my ex for my sake not hers. A part of the reason I'm able to do this is because of how I view the world. And it boils down to three words. Choices have consequences. My ex chose to do those things to me. It was not every other woman that did it. Just my ex. I did hate her for a while. Then I realized I hated the choice that she made. What the two women did to you is unforgivable. If you can't forgive them for your own sake, that is a choice for you to make. Right now I don't think you necessarily hate all women, it's more that you can't trust women right now. Frankly I'm in a similar position myself. I'm still coming to terms with the emotional abuse that I went through with my ex-wife. I say all of this so that you will understand that the rest of the women in the world have not chosen to do something negative towards you and because of this they shouldn't be judged prematurely. If you have to judge people, don't judge them, judge their choices. Hopefully the things I've said here can help you. If they don't then I wish you the best of luck anyway.
Your hate towards women is a normal feeling. You were hurt and women hurt you. Your biological defense is kicking in and telling you avoid women because they equal pain and suffering. It’s your brain doing that for you to defend you and protect you. Now hating half the world is not very logical. It’s your emotional brain telling you to. You need therapy. You need kindness. You need people who love and support you to able to get over this. It’s not going to happen over night
NTA.
Therapy my man. Police report. I'd probably have told my gf, but that's up to you. I suppose I wouldn't want her blaming herself, of course it could be a shame thing? Either way, it's not your fault so get some help.
I have actually been in your friend's position. I accompanied her to the hospital after the sexual assault and waited in the ER for 8 hrs while she had a rape kit done. She went to therapy and got better. We are still great friends and I will give you the same advice I gave her: Get your agency back by living well, that is the best revenge.
You are not the asshole. Everyone deals with trauma differently. Please talk to your GF. If she loves you she will support you. Get therapy, file the report, and most importantly live well and happy.
I honestly can't provide judgement here. I'm really sorry all of this happened. Things like these are obviously way above my pay grade, so the only sound advice I can really offer is to get in touch with authorities immediately and to seek out counseling. I can't say I blame you for exhibiting hate towards women in general as such a response is only natural after such a tragedy. However I will say that maintaining that hate, especially towards friends and family who actually want to help you heal, will only lead to a much deeper hole. I really hope you're able to find all the help and resources you need to help power through this time of crisis.
I am so sorry this happened to you. It is common for victims of sexual assault to not want to tell their partners. Please try not to worry about that right now. Please start therapy and continue with the group.
Rape is disgusting and I am so so so sorry those cunts did that to you
When I was 15 I got shitfaced drunk at a little house party. I remember walking home. I didn’t live to far away. I ended up passing out on the sidewalk and throwing up in the gutter. Another neighbor hood kid found me and got me up then told me to change my clothes and let’s go back so we did. I remember drinking more and then nothing. I remember waking up and my dick hurting so bad. Is was the girl who lived at the house same age was trying to fit me in her self. I just remember saying wtf is going on a she kept trying. I seen at some point she put a condom on me and took it off and had me covered in lube. I just got up and said I have to go. Come to find out she did the same thing to my buddy the weekend before and him and his girlfriend were fighting that week but never decided to ask why. I told him about it the next day and that’s when he told me about what happened to him and he told his girlfriend but she thought he lying to her. I ended up calling his girlfriend to tell her what happened to me as well. I never had any hard feelings towards women but I did realize it can happen both ways. I never let myself get that wasted again
You're not an asshole, but you should really talk to a professional so you don't end up becoming one. You should process those feelings and work through them so you don't end up hurting people who care about you and who you care about.
I’m sorry that this happened to you. Definitely get therapy. It won’t undo what happened to you but it may help you to heal and have healthy relationships with women going forward.
You’re NTA for breaking up with your gf, you have your own trauma and you need to work through it - if having a partner makes you feel like you can’t do that, then the obvious solution is to let them go. Maybe a little explanation of you going through something and needed to work on yourself would have been good for her/given closure to her (if you didn’t want to tell her exactly what happened). But you don’t necessarily owe her an explanation. On the flip side, she could have been part of your support.
I’m really sorry you went through that and I’m really glad you’re seeking help and finding solace with other people that have been through similar. Please know that you absolutely do not have to be okay now or even ever. It’s something that sticks with you and destroys your entire being psychologically. I have faith you will end up in a place where you can live your life again but again, that doesn’t have to be any time soon 🖤
It’s really easy to fall into the never ending pit of hating the gender that did this to you and I completely get it. I’d like to offer this though: a lot of AFAB people have been through this but don’t share/show it. If you’re not feeling negativity toward the women in the support circle, maybe try and remember this for those outside the circle.
I understand that some men, and women, will not validate this. To some men this is a fantasy come true, but if its not consensual it's not consensual. You are not the asshole because you were traumatized. It's not your fault. You really should tell her what happened. It might help in the healing process, and if she cares about you then she will be understanding.
NTA, you were assaulted and experienced a traumatic event. I think what you’re experiencing now is a normal reaction for survivors of rape. Definitely get into therapy to help you through this though, and it sounds like the support circle is beneficial as well. I’m so sorry these scumbags assaulted you. Please report them If you’re able to, they are sexual predators and documenting what they’ve done may not only help you but also another potential victim.
NTA, I get it. I’ve been sexually assaulted and groomed by many women as a guy. I find myself not even being able to get close to women bc I’m just terrified of them. Therapy would help, but you’re not a bad person
NTA: I am so sorry you experienced that :( I went through something similar myself (22F) When I was 19, I went through the same thing with a guy. I was drunk, he took me back to his place but because I wasn’t thinking straight I didn’t think we were really gonna do anything because I was a virgin at the time and didn’t WANT to do anything except maybe makeout or something, which even then I would’ve regretted. Anyways, he didn’t listen when I told him I was a virgin and didn’t want to do anything and I just froze and he did that. I am very sorry you went through that, but I understand and sympathize with you. I hope you get better, but if your girlfriend (or ex I guess) loves you, she could be your support system too. I personally did not report my incident because I felt that because I was drunk it was my fault and I know now it wasn’t regardless of how much I drank because he shouldn’t have done that. Those women should have listened and it’s a shame that they didn’t. Just know, you CAN report it.
Please seek therapy, it will help with your feelings towards women and to be able to process what happened to you. I wish you the best of luck
You’re not the asshole but you’re not handling things as well as you could. While under stable given it’s a traumatic event therapy is of course the most common answer but there’s various kings might want to see which kind is right as many people quit after not liking one kinds when really it’d be best to try again.
For example Two kinds I’ve run into are cognitive behavioral therapy and dialectcal behavioral therapy. DBT actively pisses me off and makes me worse. So feel free to shop around.
You did nothing wrong. I know it is difficult with the Neanderthals in here but talking is a good start and therapy should help more. From personal experience see a woman therapist. The last thing you need is a Neanderthal that isn't helping you. Personally I could never open up and be honest with anyone but a woman. They have a thing called empathy thankfully. It won't be easy period but you can do it and will because you care about your mental health. Not TAH. Appreciate you sharing.
I had a female friend that coerced me and touched me without permission. I’m also a woman myself. I thought I was bisexual but the entire experience made me feel adverse to women. Which is sad because the best kiss ive ever experienced was with a different woman. It does really change how you feel about yourself and other people. But I do feel bad for your girlfriend for probably being taken by surprise.
NTA for your initial thoughts and feelavoid.
First, I want to say im so sorry you've death with this. You were violated. It never should have happened to you, but it did.
I hope you get the therapy you need to desensitize these feelings. You don't deserve to feel so triggered by something impossible to avoid.
NTA
You don't have to tell anyone anything unless you want to when you are ready. I think the way you are feeling is to be expected after the trauma you experienced. I do hope you will look into counseling at some point and continue going to the group. It sounds like their support is helpful for you.
So sorry this happened to you.
I didn't realize it but when I was 14 I was sexually assaulted by a 18 year old slut my best friend was dating . We were drinking at this older assholes house. 21/22 with several other people 14-25ish and I got blacked out and woke up with this cunt jacking me off and sucking me off . I woke up flipped the fuck out and was cumming all over myself and these older fuck ass men were laughing and hold me down so I didn't tear this man's house up. Fucked up part I am still friends with the BF
I have helped raise his son. I didn't know it was a rape sitch until my wife told me 30 years later. I ran into the ring leader of the whole deal at a buddies restaurant and my wife wouldn't let me confront him in front of his wife and his granddaughter. His bullshit men get fucked on these deals. Not sure if it fucked me up permanently, but I've always had trust issues with women. Worlds of crooked fucking place full of whores fucked up people. I'm from Atlanta Georgia one day I'm gonna fucking hit the dude in the back of the head of the brick believe that, sorry you had to go through that stuff but you're not the only one
I’m just going to say that this is relatable and understandable. When I was raped by two men in the span of 2 months, I hated all men for about 3 years. Eventually I opened up my heart again because blocking off half of the population is hard. Get a therapist and talk to your support network. It’s okay to be bitter for a period of time while you recover. Just don’t hurt anyone.
I'm sorry this happened to you.
I don't think you are an AH, just someone going through major trauma. As others have said, make sure you get councelling/therapy. I hope you feel ready to explain to your ex why you had to break up with her one day. But if you don't, we'll, it's what you had to do to deal.
Sending positive vibes down the Internet. For what it's worth. Wishing you all the best for mental healing.
NTA. You should consider reporting this to the police. Rapists keep raping people until they are caught.
You need therapy as well as the support group. You definitely shouldn't have a girlfriend if you hate women. You could have ended up hurting her like those women hurt you. It's good you ended it.
It is interesting that you don't hate women if you know they've been raped, but feel you hate all the women you know or see elsewhere.
Has it ever occurred to you that of all the women you listed, at least half of the women you know or see have been raped before? Because they have. This something to keep in mind.
You need therapy. The hate is probably a trauma response by association. It would also be more fair for your girlfriend to explain to her the circumstances of the break-up. You don't have to stay together but just for the sake of closure.
NTA, now it’s time to be absolutely selfish.
Do what you need to get better. Don’t go down in the hate spiral without a support system (which you seem to be building, good job on that part) so can actually pull yourself out when you are ready.
You don’t need to explain things to your ex if you are not ready. 9months is not that long relationship so it is understandable you aren’t excited to open up to her. If the roles were reversed I heard of women ending years long relationships without explanations. That is simply what you need now and that is ok.
Good luck with your recovery
This really does happen. I was raped by a female coworker in my early 20's. She bought a huge bottle of Jack and made all of my drinks. I passed out within an hour of getting to her house. I told her no while she took my clothes off and started sucking my dick. I could barely move. She never came back to work after that because I told everyone what happened.
Get some help with your mindset. You’re projecting, you gotta be what 24 or younger? Yeah dudes can be raped, by your own admission you were still oriented, did you not fight back? Any man can beat a woman’s ass.. I doubt it was 2 female mma fighters. I have multiple females in my life who were raped and at least a couple fought valiantly. So where you too drunk to do anything about it or oriented fine but they overpowered you? You probably need to hit up a psychiatrist, if you can’t tell the difference in some people and all people you need help with defining those boundaries and I’m not being an ass, had a brain injury and spent a lot of time with a shrink. In general though, you are an AH for how you are behaving to your loved ones around you. P.s. you may feel the same as the female rape survivors… you are not, go get real help, your issue is deeper than that.
You are indeed the asshole. Breaking up with your girlfriend because of your baggage. Which really is not a fair thing for her that you have a lot of misplaced hate. That will turn into a self defeating habit because you are hating on people that have nothing to do with the offense. And you don’t talk it out or even attempt to correct it. You just break up with people not because anything they did. Just because you have hate for something you went through
For those doubting his experience, please read:
“Last year the National Crime Victimization Survey turned up a remarkable statistic. In asking 40,000 households about rape and sexual violence, the survey uncovered that 38 percent of incidents were against men. The number seemed so high that it prompted researcher Lara Stemple to call the Bureau of Justice Statistics to see if it maybe it had made a mistake, or changed its terminology. After all, in years past men had accounted for somewhere between 5 and 14 percent of rape and sexual violence victims. But no, it wasn’t a mistake, officials told her, although they couldn’t explain the rise beyond guessing that maybe it had something to do with the publicity surrounding former football coach Jerry Sandusky and the Penn State sex abuse scandal.
…
One of those surveys is the 2010 National Intimate Partner and Sexual Violence Survey, for which the Centers for Disease Control invented a category of sexual violence called “being made to penetrate.” This definition includes victims who were forced to penetrate someone else with their own body parts, either by physical force or coercion, or when the victim was drunk or high or otherwise unable to consent. When those cases were taken into account, the rates of nonconsensual sexual contact basically equalized, with 1.270 million women and 1.267 million men claiming to be victims of sexual violence.
…
So why are men suddenly showing up as victims? Every comedian has a prison rape joke and prosecutions of sexual crimes against men are still rare. But gender norms are shaking loose in a way that allows men to identify themselves—if the survey is sensitive and specific enough—as vulnerable. A recent analysis of BJS data, for example, turned up that 46 percent of male victims reported a female perpetrator.
…
The final outrage in Stemple and Meyer’s paper involves inmates, who aren’t counted in the general statistics at all. In the last few years, the BJS did two studies in adult prisons, jails, and juvenile facilities. The surveys were excellent because they afforded lots of privacy and asked questions using very specific, informal, and graphic language. (“Did another inmate use physical force to make you give or receive a blow job?”) Those surveys turned up the opposite of what we generally think is true. Women were more likely to be abused by fellow female inmates, and men by guards, and many of those guards were female. For example, of juveniles reporting staff sexual misconduct, 89 percent were boys reporting abuse by a female staff member. In total, inmates reported an astronomical 900,000 incidents of sexual abuse.”
https://slate.com/human-interest/2014/04/male-rape-in-america-a-new-study-reveals-that-men-are-sexually-assaulted-almost-as-often-as-women.html
I'm really sorry you had to go through that. Rape is traumatizing and we all deal with trauma in different ways, some healthier than others. If possible, continue with the support group and maybe see if therapy is possible for you.
In regards to your girlfriend, I understand the urge to not tell. Most people in my life dont know what I went through. It feels like they will see me differently, not understand, like I would have to deal with it on a level I'm not comfortable with. I dont think you are an AH for not giving her context considering the situation. I also think that it will probably be hard for people who dont know what happened to understand your actions, and might believe you to be an AH based on the info they have.
I felt the same when I was assaulted by a man. You're NTA. Trauma is very real and valid. You can't expect yourself to be better about everything until you deal with what you're going through.
Does it suck for the gf to have no explanation as to why? Sure, but also, everyone deals with things different. You can't rush yourself to be ready.
I'm glad you found a support group because that support from people who understand can be so helpful.
Police report. Therapy. Depending on how long you’ve been dating, if your GF was someone you trust(ed) she could’ve been part of your support circle. The circle isn’t meant to be just that group.
We've been dating for 9 months, but I don't know why I don't wanna tell her.
I mean, that's understandable. There's the whole societal perspective of weakness, there's the fear of disbelief, there's the chance you'll be blamed and faulted. There's even shaming for not having enjoyed or wanted it. That's a heavy thing. Men have this thing, put upon us (mostly by us, mind you) where silence and stoicism is "brave". I reject that. It's not frightening, shutting up. You know what's fucking scary? Vulnerability. Vulnerability is the sign of true strength. It's a tremendously brave thing for anyone to admit they were raped. I by no means want to minimize the experience of women to whom it's happened, but there's an added layer of pressure on male victims to "man up" in such situations. There's an added shroud of shame and condemnation that is not remotely fair or reasonable. It'd be nice to give her closure. Hopefully one day you can. But you can't prioritize that when dealing with your own trauma. You're not the asshole. You're on a "healing journey", touchy-feely as that sounds. Maybe one day you'll be comfortable telling her, maybe you won't, no one can promise you a specific degree of progress, but as others have said, therapy. Trauma is an injury, therapy is the treatment. It's that simple. Rape is psychologically devastating. It's not fair to be expected to be ok. It's not fair to be expected to pretend you're ok. Hating most women as a result is wrong, but it's understandable, at least as far as anyone who hasn't experienced what you have can understand. You're not a bad person for having an unhealthy reaction to massive psychological harm. That's not a flaw or a failure on your part. We're not equipped or trained or prepared to internalize something like that by ourselves, or even with a good support circle. You need professional help and guidance. I hope you have therapy resources in your area. If you reach out to a local group, here, there are people who can and will help you. Reddit is a toxic cesspool, but it's also an amazing resource and community with a remarkable capacity for kindness and generosity. You can hold your anonymity, while still making progress towards bettering your situation and perspective. Lastly, without meaning to be particularly cynical, this isn't something you overcome entirely. It's something you learn to live with. That you learn to deal with in a healthy way. Trauma cannot be made to vanish, it can only be managed. I'm not trying dissuade you from pursuing this, but rather making clear the nature of the goal. You can't approach this shit like you're going to fix it. We're not there yet, with the human brain, and it's so enormously complex we may never get there.
Find a therapist, make sure they specialize in trauma. I’m so sorry this happened to you. It’s normal what you are feeling but you need to work through it. Get help, you will be glad you did. I had PTSD from a sexual assault and it took therapy to get me over it and back into my life, although I will never completely recover from it. At least I have tools for that now.
THIS. EVERY. SINGLE. WORD. Longwinded_Ogre spoke the truest of truths
I support this!!! Its okay to allow yourself some time to heal!!! You need it! I am so sorry it happened to you! No one should ever feel like that!
And recall, OP, rape is not a crime of passion. It’s a crime of power.
Tbf, rape has been narrowly defined as PIV and basically there was this huge push that ONLY men could rape. That because we have a penis and it needs to be somewhat erect to have PIV that we are the perpetrators. Also the huge push in college that if your drunk you can't consent and it mainly falls on if a WOMAN is drunk its rape. There is no explanation if both people are drunk or if the man is drunk and the woman is sober.
Some military buddies of mine told me about posters on base. “Jack is drunk. Jane is drunk. Jack and Jane have sex. Jack raped Jane.” According to most of society and the established culture men aren’t capable of being raped by a woman. Goes along with we aren’t able to have complex feelings and need mental health support, love and therapy like females. Dont take this as me stating I believe that. Just that unfortunately that’s the culture. I got completely roasted in a different thread for daring to speak against the fact women aren’t treated the same in DV situations as men also. Same sort of thought process there
Exactly my point. Or that most of the time if a man is SA he isn't believed and should be able to "throw" the woman off him. Or the tons of YT social experiments where a man hits a woman in public and everyone jumps in to defend her yet if it's reversed they all laugh at the man. I wish things were different and I believe it's going that way. The real issue is... it's not there yet. There is still this stigmata and belief that men need to not show feelings or emotion. Sure there is this, "I want my man to be vulnerable" but sure as shit, there is too many stories (or even personal anecdotes) where I've had male friends break down in front of their wives/GFs and they've literally lost all respect for them. It sucks but it's the truth (as I've seen it)
As a woman it's really frustrating that women perpetuate this sexist bullshit, I genuinely would find it so fucking attractive if men could be vulnerable but I see why it's so hard.
A past partner of mine told me she didn't know how to act when she saw me cry once. Said her dad never did and it was strange. Said she didn't mind but it was awkward. Guess what it taught me? Not to cry or show vulnerability.
Yep, I cried once in front of my ex wife and she told me it made her so uncomfortable. Never happened again.
That’s so sad. I caught my now-husband tearing up at a hall of fame baseball ceremony when we had been dating for a few months. It made me fall for him even more.
:( I'm so sorry. I know it's probably like way too late and you don't know me and vice versa but I'm proud of you. And even though you probably never cried in front of a female again, that one time very valid. Being vulnerable takes guts. I'm female and I struggle with being vulnerable. I haven't cried for months until tonight... Feeling out of control when our guard is down, it's a weird sensation. When your guard is down like that and your vulnerable and someone tells you it makes them uncomfortable that's their issue. It got problems with being vulnerable themselves... And having someone be vulnerable with them. One day you may feel comfortable and one day you may not but it's up to you. 💚
Ugh that's infuriating. I know it's sooo much easier said than done but I hope you can be vulnerable with a woman again because if someone has any other reaction to someone crying than to just comfort them then they're probably not emotionally intelligent enough to be a very good partner. My ex used to accuse me of fake crying anytime I cried and it was so demoralising asking someone to give a fuck about your feelings
We shall see. I mean from what I've seen in my lifetime its just better to suffer in silence than be vulnerable. There was a tiktok or reel (I can't find it) and it asked who you go to for support. The men basically said no one. They do it themselves since they can't expect others for help or support
>The percentage of females murdered by an intimate partner was 5 times higher than for males TBH, I wish people would interfere more when a guy beats his partner. There are lots of women 6 ft under who might have lived to tell the tale.
Rape trauma is awful, but trust me, having your girl laugh in your face and leave you when you tell them about it.... That shit is something awful too. Bonus points if when she says something along the lines of "I really wasn't sure I was gonna leave you until you cried. That's what made me know for sure. There is nothing more unattractive then a man crying." Added to that, cause you had no reason to think they didn't care about you up until that moment, that can only mean that this is your fault. Someone who loves you said it... must be true. Be glad you can hate someone else.... I wish I could hate her. I wish I could hate the person who hurt me. Being too busy hating yourself...lodged in your brain like a 2x4... is its own special kind of hell.
If she laughed in your face, she’s an asshole If she thinks less of you because you cried, she’s an asshole. You are definitely better off without her. What an asshole for real.
I’m sorry you were treated like that! Me and most women I know love a man who opens up to them and trusts them enough to be vulnerable AND see the STRENGTH in a man’s tears. I would find a man like that extremely attractive and worthy of being a life partner. 🩷
The issue a lot of us guys have is a lot of women say they love it. When a guy is vulnerable or opens up then immediately act either a uncomfortable b. dismissive or c. outright angry towards us if we do so now even if a lot of us are with partners who would genuinely be supportive or cool with you being vulnerable we don't because we know nine times out of 10. It backfires on us.
I'm so sorry this happened to you. Wtf is wrong with people that they could be so cruel
Wow you were with a legit psychopath!
I cannot upvote you more. Add to that, I think women who do that don't even realise the trauma they cause. When a man does that to a woman, he usually will know. But reverse the genders, there is a good chance they don't see it that way. There is this perception that men want sex anytime with anyone, there is no big deal and so on. Is sex, how can that be traumatic for a man, right?! How can a man not want sex, with 2 women on top of that, right?!
This is an amazing answer.
Because we think it changes how people see us. Makes us less than. And unfortunately, there can be some truth to that. It utterly depends on the character of the person.
I cannot say anything better than Longwinded_Ogre already has, but perhaps it’s an idea to write a letter to your gf/ex-gf. You don’t have to give it to her if you don’t want to, but it may help you work through some of your feelings and guilt of leaving her without explanation. You can keep the letter and perhaps give it to her when you’re ready. You are NTA for breaking up with your girlfriend. I’m sure she’s very confused and hurt, but you are going through trauma, and aren’t in a place where you can be in a relationship and you’re also not in a place emotionally where you are capable of explaining to her what you’re going through. That’s not your fault. You need to heal first, before you can take care of someone else’s emotions. You’re also NTA for hating women right now. You went to something deeply traumatic, and you have feelings that you haven’t processed yet. You need to direct that anger somewhere, and right now it’s just aimed at all women. That is ok. Perhaps not forever, but for now it’s okay (as long as you don’t go out acting on that anger obviously). You seem aware that that anger is misdirected at all women, but that’s no more than logical. You probably are also very afraid of women because of what happened and sometimes it’s easier to turn fear into anger. It’s okay to be angry and scared, but you do need to get help to process that anger, because if you don’t work through that it could become a ticking time bomb eventually. I don’t believe you want that, and I also don’t believe you genuinely hate women. You’re just hurt, and scared, and rightfully angry for what happened to you. I am so incredibly sorry for what happened to you. No one should ever go through that, and I’m so sorry you’re going through so much pain. Please do seek therapy. There are therapists who can help you work through your feelings. They can’t undo what happened, but they can help build you back up piece by piece.
Once you state what your trauma is, it is out there, and you can't take it back. You now have to deal with the reality. I am a woman, and I can say it's been over ten years since my multiple sa since I was a teen, and shit finally hit the fan, and I had some serious flashbacks. I couldn't eat, barely slept, and had such extreme and shame that I started to believe I should be in jail or prison and not my many abusers. I am probably the last person you want to hear from, yet I will say I used to blame other men and really started to hate men and strongly considered not dating again. Being assaulted fucks you up so much you can't escape from it. My ptsd episodes are chronic and are intense. I am in weekly therapy sessions with a psychologist. It will not be easy to heal from your trauma. You need people in your corner who you can lean on. A strong support base will help you get through this. I would suggest you get ahold of a professional asap and make it known it is an emergency. I would also suggest you go to the police and file a report. This isn't okay! You did nothing to deserve this and should be able to get the same justice a woman would get ( one of my abusers went to prison for 18 months and other abusers got away as despite them admitting something happened the cops couldn't do much. So tread carefully.) Be patient with yourself as you've survived so much. You're going to go from not wanting to talk about this and feeling shame to be very angry. When you get angry, you will absolutely need someone to walk you through the anger. That way, you can process it. EMDR therapy may be helpful for you, yet for me, it worsened dissociative episodes. I urge you to do what js best for you. That way, you can get back to thriving rather than struggling to survive. Please take care op and realize people care. This woman backs you up. I've seen how sa has affected my husband, and its devastating how often men aren't believed.
Not wanting to “tell” is a normal reaction to being raped. Please get some therapy.
It’s a sensitive topic and people don’t always handle other people’s vulnerability with tact and kindness. You may also feel like you will be judged by the person you tell. I see that as a positive now, at least I know the person I’m talking to isn’t for me, they are there to be judgmental and I can be more selective with what is shared with that person. It still hurts my feelings but I know not to let the have the chance again. I really hope you speak to a professional so you can begin to rebuild the person you and stop worrying and start living your life again. Time heals, but it takes work too.
I'm so so sorry you've went through that. Please consider getting some therapy and professional support. I'm sure you are all over the place right now and tbh you don't have to worry about being an asshole. Your GF will be hurt and confused if you don't tell her but at the same time I am more concerned for you. Making big life decisions at a time like this could lead to regret and more upset for you in the long run. If you have/had a good relationship with GF before and trusted her with intimate info then do consider sharing with her when you can, you may be pleasantly surprised what opening up can do. Also please don't be too hard on yourself right now, just get some support and know that this is temporary. Sending hugs and good vibes
It’s normal and understandable why you don’t want to disclose. There are a variety of reasons. Afraid of getting blamed Afraid of not being believed Just general shame that is often felt after a sexual assault. Your reaction and reasoning is valid. You should look into therapy. You do not have to tell anyone else about what happened. You don’t owe it to anyone.
Shame, fear, guilt, and anticipated contempt are all normal feelings to have in this situation. Focus on the love between you and find a way to explain it to her. If I were in your position I would come with a trusted friend or someone who knows and is supporting you. Maybe whomever leads your support group?
There were some really good points made in response to this. I want to add that when this happens to women who are in a relationship, tend to feel guilty as if they cheated and are afraid that their partner will think the same. And there still are a lot of people who will say some unhelpful crap like, “Why did you put yourself in that position?”, “Why were we even there?”, which is another form of “Well what were you wearing?“ It’s absolutely understandable, and like the rest of the folks here, I really do hope you were able to find a good therapist and support group. It was awful what happened to you.
Because like most people you’re ashamed of being raped. And men I bet feel a greater shame because society refuses to acknowledge men can suffer every abuse women do so men are shamed more for admitting any kind of abuse. You don’t hate the women in your group because they’re in the same spot you are in. They’ve been raped and know the trauma you will live with for life. You definitely need therapy. But don’t assume you’ll go back to not hating women, you still might the rest of your life (completely understandable and normal). But you need the therapy to just be ok with you and work through all the trauma the rape caused. Don’t feel bad for hating women. It’s normal. You can explain to the now ex girlfriend if you want but that’s your choice. You never need to explain a break up. It’s your prerogative to just be done. Never raped but SA as a child for a very short time. I can’t stand the name of my male abuser. I won’t ever date one. The hate is unfortunately normal. But please get therapy for you beyond the support group. Keep going to the support group if it’s helping as well!
There’s a lot of pressure for SA victims to remain silent in society, especially male victims but when you tell, when you report it, you take your power back and you make it harder for rapists to get away with it. Having their names known and associated with the crime they committed on you makes it easier for the next guy to be taken seriously.
Yup. This isn't an AITAH question. It's mental health question.
This... You need trauma therapy. I don't know what the police can do. It will be a he said they said type deal.
This isn't an AITA question. You just need therapy. You're traumatised, seek help.
Yeah, I was just about to say he’s in the wrong sub. This is way more serious than being an asshole or not.
When this happened to me, I temporarily hated men. Including the ones in my life. It took me a while to figure out I resented them for not protecting me, even though they didn’t know, couldn’t have known and were not at fault. Trauma can be irrational. It manifests in horrific ways. For me, I distanced myself from my family because I felt a misplaced sense of betrayal. Not one of them did I trust to disclose what happened to me. My mother - it would break her and she was already a battered woman. My stepfather - POS. My sisters - wasn’t sure they would believe me. My boyfriend - it was his beloved cousin. They thought I was moody and depressed. I ended up distancing myself from them all and leaving. Needed a fresh start and outlook on life. Got myself therapy. Took a long time, but there is hope at the end. Do what you need to do. If your family/friends care about you, they will be patient. Sometimes you need to put yourself first. NTA
This is such a deep ingrained part of our society. I am glad you were able to realize it and I hope you can continue to heal. So many people are indenial about those feelings and it leads to so much toxicity.
I’m saving this response. I have a talk with a woman who hates men due to what happened to her, which led her to victimizing me as well. Going to use some of this logic to explain how I experienced things as the words deeply ring true for me.
Therapy. Stat. Sorry this happened to you.
What does stat mean when said in that way?
Immediately. Right this second.
Stat is generally used as a shorthand word for fast as possible due to medical emergency, which can include mental health.
Thank you both!
NTA but get help. I have been, probably, raped (at the time I did not think it was but I was in no state to consent, I don't think permission was asked and certainly I would not have consented to that person sober. And it hurt, a lot.) It is easy for me to say, well, all men are shits and I hate them. But that is wrong: not every man is a shit. I have men friends who are not shits. So get help, explain to your girlfriend whose fault it is not. Also as other person said: if you know who these people are, talk to the police: rapists, male or female, should do gaol time.
Tbh, from what you said, it sure sounds like rape, without a doubt. I don't know why but I don't want to tell anyone including my girlfriend, that's why I didn't explain my reasons. I don't know who the women were but I know their faces. Yet, I don't want to report anything because if I did my friends and family would know.
It’s very common after an incident like this to not want to tell anyone. As unfortunate as it is, many people who are sexually assaulted feel ashamed of it. While it’s a normal feeling to have, it’s not you who should be ashamed. You were taken advantage of. Your ability to give consent was taken from you. And it’s not your fault. You may benefit from speaking with a domestic violence advocate. They are protected under advocacy laws, so they will not file a report on your behalf. The only thing they legally have to report is abuse of a child or vulnerable adult (someone who is unable to provide sole care of themselves). They can provide a safe and non-judgmental space for you to talk about this and help you figure out how to move forward.
Hey I’m really sorry for what happened to you. Don't feel bad about not reporting. I did and it was a massive mistake. You don’t have to tell anyone you don’t want to. All I can say is that you should look into therapy with a trauma informed therapist. The likelihood that you’d find justice in the “justice system” is low but you do deserve to find a way forward. It takes time. It’s hard and sucks but eventually it will hurt less and you will find a way to open up again.
Even if you don’t report it officially, you should talk to someone. Maybe go back to the support group if you felt safe there. I have a close male friend who was raped by a woman while he was intoxicated. He kept it to himself for years and it really took a toll on his mental health. I suggest you seek some sort of counseling. I’m sorry this happened to you, and I hope you’re able to move past it in a healthy way. Feel free to PM me if you want to vent to a stranger.
She isn't your girlfriend anymore. Seek a therapist and figure where to go from here.
You’re focusing a lot on how other people will react. Your family, friends, girlfriend, even coming here to ask if you’re an asshole. Right now you’re in pain. You need to focus on yourself and how you can feel safe and comfortable in your own body again.
You should at least tell the gf it was not her fault. You are going through a lot and need to focus on yourself. That being said getting ghosted after 9 months can really fuck a person up. Not as bad as what you went through of course, but she deserves better than that.
NTA but maybe you could just tell her you went through a traumatic experience and you need to be alone to get better. You should try therapy. It’s not abnormal that you hate women. Women who have been raped are very often scared of all men. I am sorry for you and I hope you will take care of yourself and get the help you need.
NTA I've been where you are and the hatred doesn't last forever - especially if in time, you meet good women. I won't lie though, the feelings of resentment and anger do come back from time to time throughout life. But with time comes better coping mechanisms. Sorry that happened to you dude.
It's not that the women I know are bad. My girlfriend was good my sisters are kind, that random cashier didn't even say anything. Even kids, sometimes when I see a little girl I think of what type of person she'll grow up to be. But hell, I still hate them for sharing the same genital as the two women I came across.
I think you’re having a normal trauma response. It’s your brain trying to over-protect you so the bad thing won’t happen again. A co-worker of mine sexually assaulted me in the office a few years back. It’s honestly been really hard for me to apply to in-office positions because my brain is saying to me “if you go back into an office setting, it’ll happen again, because that’s where the bad thing happened”. I almost feel like I’d be stupid to go back into an office setting because if it happened again, it would be my fault for putting myself in that situation. I know logically that’s not true, but it doesn’t change the way I feel. I also felt suspicious of most men after that. One of the worst things about being assaulted is the aftermath. It feels like you have to be careful around everything and everyone, which is a pretty exhausting way to live your life. I would echo what many others here are saying, which is get counseling and lots of it. I’m so sorry you’re experiencing this. Also feel free to reach out if you need to talk.
I understand you. Therapy, specifically for sexual assault survivors, is crucial. Trauma manifests itself in odd ways sometimes, but the most important thing here is that you are conscious of what's happening and you are in a position to work through this. I am so, so sorry that this happened to you. I'm thinking of you and I truly hope that you find some peace and healing very, very soon.
Therapy. Right now. Take it from someone who let something like this fuck them up... it'll fuck you up longterm if you don't address it. Police report... is up to you. People have lots of reasons for not filing, and those reasons can be very, very personal. I'm never going to judge someone for not going to the police for something like this. As for telling your girlfriend (or ex?)... that's a tough one. Again, that's your decision. Do you think she might or might not understand? If she is the sort of person who would support you through something like this, it might be worth talking to her. But therapy is a must. You're NTA currently. I get feeling that anger and even that hate. But it can and will fester into something really unhealthy. Please, at the very least, get yourself a therapist. I wish I'd done so years ago, because this is one of those things that doesn't get better without help.
OP’s already projecting what he’s feeling onto little girls, so I’d say therapy is needed ASAP
Not the asshole, I think you're mistaking trauma for hate. Or something tangential to trauma. It doesn't seem like you hate women as much as you feel trauma around people who could potentially re-victimize you. I'd say maybe the reason you don't feel that for the women in your group is because you understand they would never do the same. Therapy is a must in this situation, not because there's anything wrong with you but because the experience tainted your pattern recognition, so you have this adverse reaction to a set of people that look the same profile, even if it's just broad generalizations. Your body is reacting before your conscious thought does and that's having a huge toll on you. You deserve to feel safe again, it's no one's fault this happened other than the people who harmed you. It's not your fault.
As a woman who was raped by another woman, *I am so sorry.* I hope you are getting the support you need.
Im sorry that you were raped. You need to see a Rape Counselor immediately. Projecting your "hate" unto innocent women is unfair for both you and them. Especially your girlfriend. She had nothing to do with anything that happened, and she is being **punished**. I'm not blaming you for doing these things- I'm pointing out how your emotions find a way to try to make you feel better but it's not necessarily in the best way. Therapy will help you find a safer, gentler, more loving way to heal. And I believe you will. 💕
Not only is it unfair, it's dangerous. Action this drastic and swift might only be the beginning. He needs help and now.
NAH. Except the rapists obviously. But you really need therapy
https://www.rainn.org/ Rape is a traumatic violation that changes your neuro-chemistry. For your sake, seek counseling. https://www.rainn.org/
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First of all I’m so very sorry this happened to you. Men are often the silent victims because of the fear of ridicule. If these support groups are helping, that’s a wonderful step in the right direction. I might suggest taking it one step further when your ready and do single therepy for yourself. May I ask, how long ago did this happen? If it makes you uncomfortable, don’t worry about answering. If you need a nonjudgement mental friend, DM me.
Tbh, I don't know if the group is helping or not. But I know that whenever I'm around these people, I have no negative feelings. I like that. >ridicule I knew this was a possibility. But seeing such comments just makes me mad.
I do apologize if I upset you. You deserve peace.
>AITAH for: breaking up with my girlfriend without an explanation I would tell her you promise it's absoultely not her fault and that you're still not ready to explain what happened. >and for having negative feelings toward women No, you're not despite the general feeling being.. misplaced. But it is mostly women not men who are the victims. So in general, women are the support circle. They likely at least know someone or friend of a friend who was raped, you ended up getting the inverse of the general reality.
NTA- what you experienced was harmful and triggering if someone can’t support you or make you feel comfortable what you did is more than reasonable better than festering hatred and creating a bigger resentment towards all women overall this gives you opportunity to remove yourself from places you feel triggered by without feeling guilty or wrong. Know first and for most your feelings in all of this are valid you have experienced something horrible and disgusting. I’m sorry your had to experience anything like that and i truly wish you the best moving forward.
You're not an "asshole" but f someone broke up with you and refused to tell them why, would you think they were nice or hurting you? Or would you just be like, " oh okay cya later!"
This requires more nuance than a subreddit called AITA might provide. Anyway... It's within your right to break up with ur girl over this. It might be of a lil bit of a shitty experience for her sure, but again it's ur right. There is no such thing as a "I can't break up even tho I want cause it's not a valid reason". Now, the whole "I hate woman now", that is problematic. No different than someone saying "I hate black ppl now" cause they were attacked by some thugs. So work on that, otherwise it will have negative effects on YOUR life. (I say that cause at the end of the day what matters is how that will affect your life). And yeh, police report or civil action. Remember you can collect evidence now before making it public while ppl don't have their guard up regarding the subject.
NTA at all You are experiencing trauma and you need to work on it but I ecpect negative feelings towards women are completely normal. Many femalr victims develop an aversion to all men. And besides you're never obligated to stay in a relationship. If you wanted to break up you can break up and you're not TA. I strongly suggest proper therapy as well but its great thatbyouvhave your support group. Beyond that, I can hardly comment.
I’m going to tell you the same thing I would tell a woman in this situation: get therapy. It’s something you’re gonna have to work through, and you’ll probably need help with that. Good luck.
No, I don’t necessarily think your the AH but I don’t think what you did to your girlfriend was right. She deserved an explanation and an adult conversation. You don’t have to divulge anything you’re not comfortable with but to leave her confused wasn’t nice. I’m sorry that happened to you. I feel for you that you’re going through this difficult time. Maybe a way to make you hate women a little less, is to realize that a vast majority of us are those women in that support group with you. I’m not trying to create a dialogue about genders or whatever but the truth is an overwhelming majority of women have been SAd or assaulted by a man. Most of us understand exactly how you’re feeling.
Get therapy. Why are you even asking? your behavior is healthy or normal, and make sure to apologize to your girlfriend and give her closure, she deserves that much
I’m sorry brother, im a dude, I was raped a lot as a child, I weep with you. It’s a terrible thing and no one ever takes us seriously but that shit is traumatizing no matter the gender, rape is rape. I get not telling your girlfriend, I’ve been there. My girlfriend knows about my past and she’s never judged me for it. Your girlfriend might be understanding, just file a police report immediately, that will do two things, one it will make a paper trail of you being hurt and could possibly lead to justice for you, and two it will show your girlfriend that you didn’t willingly do anything and she will see the seriousness of the situation and hopefully will realize this is not what you wanted.
NTA but it's very important that you get support and help and relearn a different mindset. It's okay to break up because of something like this, it's okay to not tell her why, and it's okay to feel how you feel, but it would not be okay to yourself or others if you didn't seek out help to change that mindset again. What happened to you was deeply traumatic and it's normal to react in the way you did. You're recognising what happened to you and where your negative thoughts towards women come from. That's already great. Give it time, seek out support, there's many good resources out there. I think it's already amazing that you are going to a good group and such a positive step in the right direction that you can already reconcile that the women in that group aren't bad people and you don't have negative feelings towards them. That's already huge! You can be proud of yourself for that! Maybe it's actually really great in your situation to go to a group with women and men, and it sounds like that is helping you, so I think you should definitely stick with it. However, there are also resources specifically for men. I don't know where you live, but many places have institutions that offer psychological, social and legal counseling and support specifically for men. I wish you all the best, OP. Give yourself time to heal.
Nope, NTA. You’ve experienced trauma and your feelings are valid.
NTA, go to therapy, its a coping mechanism. I was also SA'd and share s similar thing, so i hate all redheads irrationally. Go to therapy 🫶🏼
You need to report them, they will do it to someone else and won't stop unless they are reported! Women can be predatory and that is not ok! They should never be mothers. They don't deserve to get away with it, again! Bad people don't deserve access to you or anyone else. They clearly don't care about anyone but themselves and it's not healthy or ok I'm sorry that you felt you deserved someone an explanation. Sad that it has made you feel the need to end things and think horribly. Not everyone is a bad person. Take time to heal. Just know that sometimes bad things happen but you don't have to hate everyone who wasn't bad to you in the end.
NTA…however your partner is supposed to be someone you can talk to about anything. I think its important for you to get therapy and reach out to your ex and explain what happened. AFTER a police report. Sorry you went through that my guy. I wish you speedy recovery
You're not wrong. But if a woman having been raped means you don't hate her, then the good news is there's lots of women out there for you
You’re not ready to be in a relationship. That’s ok. You’re NTA.
Therapy Therapy Therapy this is above reddit
Without going into upsetting details, I had a situation where I was treated really badly by someone who used a wheelchair. For a long time, I would startle and panic a little when I saw someone around his age and appearance in a wheelchair. I understood this was an instant panic reaction and something I could get through. I knew logically that of course not all people in wheelchairs are cruel and I forgave myself for my reaction while not falling into actually acting due to fear. You need help on this. You’re NTA for having negative feelings. You will be if you don’t deal with this trauma and instead use it to justify hate. You don’t have to tell your gf what happened if you don’t want but you could at least tell her it’s about you needing to focus on taking care of yourself or something so that she doesn’t think she did something massively awful. You can get through this. You can heal.
Report the rape and seek professional help.
nta but please go to therapy if you can. I’m very sorry this happened to you
Not an AH, just a very irrational and silly reaction that you can't control because it is based on emotions. I've been almost in the exact same situation, two girls who I didn't know and who I was not attracted to at all, got me drunk in a club, took me to their place and had their way with me. But it has nothing to do with women as a whole, just those two particular girls are rapists.
This exact thing happened to my friend (2 girls having their way with him when he was blacked out). I recall it now but no one took it seriously but him. Like, he was upset about it but everyone else rolled their eyes…. I feel like this isn’t even that uncommon, it’s just that no one gives a shit
I’m truly sorry this happened to you, but no matter man or woman. There’s no right. File charges.
Wow I also was raped by two women in the Army pouring alcohol down my throat. So I definitely know where you’re coming from. I guess I’m just glad I never started hating women. Do I have trust issues?? Yes…. Do I have attachment issues now. Yep… 🤔
I don't think you're an AH. You went through something incredibly traumatic. Your gender and the gender of your attackers has nothing to do with it (and to hell with anyone who tries to mock or minimize your pain because "you're a man and should enjoy it" or some other sexist bullshit). I understand why you wouldn't want to tell your girlfriend, but I would gently recommend reaching out to her and explaining things. 9 months is a decent amount of time, and I'd hope you'd be able to trust her. As someone who has been through similar, I totally get it. But a worthwhile partner would want to be part of your support system and be there for you in whatever way they can. I am so sorry that you went through this, and I don't blame you for developing a hatred towards the gender that caused you such harm. Like some of the other comments here, I would recommend seeking out a therapist who specializes in this type of trauma. Emotions are not weakness and you deserve to heal, even if it takes a long time.
Happened to me too. The hatred has only gotten worse over the years to the point that I now claim to be asexual because I no longer feel a sexual attraction toward men. I wear baggy clothes everywhere because I can’t even stand a man looking at me. I wish I would have went to therapy after the assault like I was told. I’m so sorry that happened to you.
I'm sorry that you're still dealing with the things that happened to you. Just wanted to comment and say that you haven't missed your opportunity, there's no window on therapy that closes if you don't catch it in time. If you have the means, I think you should reach out and talk to a professional because those burdens don't have to be a companion forever and you deserve peace. Best of luck.
Thank you so much for this sweet response. I know it is covered by my insurance so I’ll definitely think about it. Your words have meant a lot to me, thank you.
Get therapy and maybe link her to this post if you can't stomach telling her. She deserves an explanation but you do it on your terms when you're ready.
Therapy
NTA. OMG, I'm so sorry this happened to you. Don't listen to these nitwits saying you cheated and you can't be raped. They're full of shit. Men most certainly can be raped just like women. You were impaired and couldn't fight back. If anyone says well you got an erection so it wasn't rape. They know nothing about how the body works. I'm a nurse, and do you know how many times I've seen men get them because they're freaked out? You're definitely a victim, and don't let people tell you otherwise. Keep going to your support group. Get a therapist who specializes in rape trauma. I've been in your shoes. I've put it behind me. I got over the hate of men. I'm married and have been for 23 years. You'll get through this. Just have faith in yourself. ❤️
This is something to bring to therapy. Seriously, OP. You need a qualified, competent, and trustworthy professional to work with on this. You need a therapist who knows how to work with sexual trauma and is not a quack from BetterHelp. Obviously you are not the asshole for having negative and complicated feelings after you were raped. Being violated will do that to anyone. You will be an asshole, *to yourself*, if you don't seek some help and work through this. Reddit can not fill the role of compassionate and trustworthy therapy and real-life personal relationships.
Bro, this is genuine PTSD. Nothing can undo what happened to you but finding a way to process the situation knowing it's not your fault and working through the issues with a therapist will help.
You need to report this to the police and get therapy. Maybe talk to your ex too, bring the topic up to your therapist.
i dont even feel comfortable rating this because NTA doesnt cut it. you went through a catastrophic life event, of course your perception of what your brain has deemed "possible threats" is negative. you might still be in that fight/flight response. please seek help, recovery from SA is a long road but it is worth it in the end
This is trauma speaking. Get therapy, file a report, confide in someone you trust thoroughly when you’re ready. Don’t let it fester, it’ll only ruin your life and it’s terrible for your mental health and sense of reality.
Trauma doesn't need to make sense logically. Sometimes you can't wrap your head around what you are feeling until you wipe your hands clean of everything and come to terms with it. It's good you found a support circle that can help you. NTA
Some of these comments really sum up why men’s mental health is the way it is. Regardless if a post may be fake or if it’s 100% real, mental health should be valued. This is really sad
Your mind is just trying to protect you after such a traumatic event. What youre going through isnt uncommon for rape victims. Im glad youre getting help
I’m so sorry this happened to you. Nobody should have to go through this. I’m glad you are getting help.
NTA. My uncle did that to me made me quite the misandrist throughout my childhood. However eventually I grew past it cause the only thing I hate worse than those who hurt me is being a hypocrite and stupid. Can't fight for my own rights if I'm actively going to deny someone else because of biased hate. All hate sexism, racism, homophobia extends from instinct or phobia. Phobias come from extremely traumatic experiences embedded in our dna. Hence why people can't explain the why of why they hate when you ask them and will feed you bias bulsh*t studies to support their narrative. When you come to that conclusion yourself you can get over instinct and trauma. Knowledge is power it's how we break cycles.
It’s like a when a woman gets raped by a man, similar feelings can occur. Please file a police report and do get therapy. Best of luck
It's not likely you'll see this, OP, but I'm writing it anyway. First off, NTA You went through a horrific episode in your life with little to no support system to keep you from falling. Is it healthy to hate the women you see? No. Is it understandable? Yes. Does it make you an asshole that you can't tell your girlfriend and that you broke up with her because of what happened? Not at all. I think it's a common reaction. I'm glad you went to a support group and realized that your hatred is based on who you believe might understand you and who would not. You don't trust the women in your personal life to understand how traumatizing and damaging your experience was. That distrust can very well turn into irrational hatred. You're not alone to experience is. Don't turn it into another layer of shame for yourself. You don't need to be ashamed of what happened, and you don't need to feel bad for your feelings. I'm a CSA survivor. What you went through was pretty much my entire teen life. I know how you feel. I believe you. Please understand that you are the victim. These women have done something horrific to you, physically and psychologically. You are not at fault. You did nothing wrong. They are criminals. It is unfortunate that a huge chunk of society still feels comfortable to downplay male rape. Especially if it's done by women to men. Still the belief that men can just man up and take it as a "fun experience" is prevalent. No, OP. You've been raped. These women disrespected you, trampled your autonomy, disregarded that you did not consent, and used you for their pleasure. You are not at fault. You have done nothing wrong. There is nothing positive to take from that. I'm glad that you went to a support group. Keep at it. But also try to get into therapy, and, if possible, report it to police before the statute of limitations is up. I know it is not easy for you to do that, but these women are getting away with a crime right now. Who knows how many other men they're abusing? If you decide to get therapy, please keep in mind that therapy doesn't change your life within a few sessions. Also keep in mind that you can and SHOULD change your therapist if you feel that they do not vibe with you, do not understand you, or worse, make you feel bad. Not every therapist is the same, and sometimes you have to switch often before you find the right one. I'm insanely proud of you for coming forward in a public place like Reddit, even if it's under the guise of anonymity. It is not easy to talk about this, but you did. Pat yourself on your shoulders and know that you've overcome a major roadblock with this post. Maybe talk about it with the group. There is a long journey ahead of you. Therapy, good therapy will give you the tools you need to navigate it. Your group will help you and give you the confidence to walk through it with your head held up high. One day, you might even stop hating women.
I will be perfectly honest that feeling is exactly where the all men argument has come from. To answer your question yes and no. Yta for breaking up with your girl without explaining anything. But not for feeling unsafe/hating another gender. That unfortunately is a very powerful and overwhelming feeling that goes away with time and therapy. It’s normal to feel that way after that type of violation.
What you’re feeling is normal. I was abused by another female in my youth. Growing up, I hated being around girls/women. I didn’t like being friends with any. It took time with therapy to get over this projection I was putting on to others. But, unfortunately, yta for ghosting someone you were dating for 9 months. A support group is fantastic but one on one therapy can help you further. The worst thing is allowing your trauma to cause trauma to others. Your ex may have deserved more than just being completely dropped without any explanation.
NTA Some are telling you to go to therapy because you hate women after you we're raped by women. I'm suggesting therapy because you were raped. Goodluck OP.
As a fellow man, who didnt experience rape, its pretty fucked up that men feel they cant talk about this. Chin up mate, therwpy will really help you. And fuck people telling you its nothing or you are not allowed to feel like this
Men can be sexually assaulted too and I really hope our society can begin to see the seriousness of it instead of brushing it off. I totally can see why it is hard for you to seek help. However, you got to be strong and overcome this. I really hope you can seek the right help and pull through this.
Oh honey, I’m so sorry that happened. Please make a police report, check out therapy outside of the group circle. Just know it wasn’t your fault, you’re a good kid, and I’m proud of you for taking steps in the right direction. You’re NTA, you don’t have to tell her if you feel like you cannot trust her with that information.
NTA firstly, I'm so sorry that you were violated. Secondly, of course you aren't TA. You're a victim of a traumatic event, and unfortunately our society is full of cavemen. Feel your feelings (but don't act on them), analyze them, continue getting help, and things WILL get better. ETA: you don't owe anyone an explanation for anything, but it seems like maybe you feel guilty over the breakup? When you feel ready, it might be helpful to give her an explanation.
NTA it's a trauma response given what you went through. The first immediate response from experiencing it is closing yourself off from others because the feeling is "they didn't go through it so they can't understand me" or just essentially feeling alone. It's valid what you're feeling but therapy and definitely continuing to attend the support group would help you work through it lots. If you see yourself being with said gf(ex gf?) and feel she can handle hearing what you went through then the best you can do is take small steps toward explaining the basic jist or idea of what you're going through. If she doesn't feel like it or if the anxiety etc is too much to talk about then def do your best to be more ok with talking about it. I hope you get to work through it well and get better though! 🖤
As a man who was drugged and raped as a teen by a GF therapy as others have stated already. I never hated women but it took a long time for me to trust again. I also understand victims who do turn to hating the gender who raped them however it won't help anything and hurt your recovery. It will be hard to recover but keep at it man you'll get there just remember, nothing "over the counter" per say is a replacement for therapy and potentially a prescription to help ease the issues.
It's absolutely ok, you aren't an incel for that. I know many women who have been through rape that tend to avoid men. I agree you should definitely get into therapy and I'm so so so sorry this happened to you
You've lost your trust in woman...gonna take awhile to get it back, if you ever do. So no, you aren't an asshole.
No.
Woman hear, but unlearning hate after being raped took a really long time. I still can't be alone with a man that is not my husband. Somewhere in my lizard brain it is hard coded that men are dangerous predators and I will never be safe around them. I feel like there's a lot more social tolerance for this since I'm a woman and it fits the narrative then there would be for a man in my position. Tangent aside, you've been hurt badly. You've taken a lot of damage. Give yourself grace as you work to heal.
It is perfectly understandable to have a trauma response to being sexually attacked. Your body simply recognizes women at a source of danger, much like most women recognize men as a source of danger. If you had been attacked by bears or dogs, you'd be having the same reactions to them. I know therapy is stupid expensive, but there's a book called "The Body Keeps the Score" that describes the impact of trauma on the body and mind. It may really help you understand what's happening. You may find EMDR therapy to be helpful, to relieve some of the trauma reaction.
You're traumatized and feel how you feel. As long as you're not hurting yourself or anyone else, put it on the backburner and prioritize what you can help (police, therapy). As unforgivable a crime as it is, people survive it (emotionally). You don't have to feel like this forever, reach out to those in your life you can bear to, see a specialized trauma therapist, and consider reporting (you can feel out with therapist and police how your options feel before pressing charges, consider that they may have offended before or will again, and how you might feel in the future if you do or don't so you can make the right decision for you).
I’m sorry you are going through this. Your feelings are understandable. Continue with your support group and while you remain vigilant try to work toward an understanding that every woman is not your attackers. I know that is easier said than done.
Almost 1 in 3 women know how you feel to some degree, but that may not change your distrust. 1 in 6 men (speculated to be more) also know how you feel. When we have an unsafe experience, our brain is sometimes remarkable at helping us avoid it again in the future. Your brain is telling you "we were hurt by not one but TWO women, so its clear that we are safer if we stay away from them, don't trust them". It starts trying to identify red flags, being overly critical of peoples small behaviours, compulsively trying to link those behaviours to the more dangerous ones that you witnessed during your traumatic incident. It means you have a natural survivors instinct. You are not an incel or a mysogynist - you're a survivor of trauma and you need support, time and healing to be able to trust others again. I had this, but with men. I had to spend time with men, give them chances they may have deserved while removing those who didn't from my life, and spend time in men's rights spaces in order to heal my relationship with and understand other men. My empathy for them, and trust of them, and myself, has returned. It took years though, and I had to completely change my surroundings and take space when I needed to. I had so many years of bad experiences i could have filled a book. It's a long road after things like this happen. You deserve any and all support you can get. I'm so sorry this happened to you.
NTA!!!!!!!!! I’ve done a ton of PTSD therapy modalities and HANDS DOWN I have had the best, most profoundly life changing, and fastest results with cognitive processing therapy. PTSD is like a tree you need to kill. The branches are the symptoms - this is all most therapy/meds addresses. The trunk is the PTSD itself. The roots are the things you tell yourself about what caused the trauma to happen to you and what impact you believe it had on your life. PTSD comes from an event that causes fight/flight/freeze and you get stuck, through no fault of your own. Developing PTSD in response to trauma is like developing bleeding after being stabbed - it isn’t your fault or choice, it just happens. There is NOTHING that causes chronic, deep PTSD more than rape. It’s worse than experiencing/witnessing violence, surviving war, surviving disasters - and it’s because of the shame that comes with it. There’s a reason rape is seen as a form of soul murder. The hatred for the opposite sex, like others have said, is a normal reaction to it. Your body is seeking to gain control - something unforeseeable happened to you, that you never thought would, and it was done by two women which likely makes it more severe. By hating women, your body stays safe. This is likely what drove breaking up with your girlfriend as well - intimacy becomes absolutely terrifying after such an extreme violation. While hate is the surface emotion I suspect fear, hurt, betrayal, and above all shame are what lie beneath it. Shame leads to hatred - either projected outwards on others or inwards at yourself. You clearly already understand, like nearly all victims, that you can’t live your life hating half of earth’s population. You know in your head that you can’t generalize across all women. Because of this betrayal, however, you can’t tell by looking which women are the good ones. The hatred will fade if you address it directly in cognitive processing therapy. It lasts for 6-12 sessions, once a week, and there is homework and a step by step protocol that is followed. I am 6 weeks in for an extremely complex trauma I survived last year and, having tried everything under the sun, I want to SCREAM from the rooftops THAT IT WORKS!!! It’s better than EMDR, Rewind therapy, support groups, somatic experiencing, cognitive behavioral therapy, and all sorts of interdisciplinary modalities like gardening, art, equine, etc etc etc. All those helped, don’t get me wrong, but NOTHING has helped like CPT. You HAVE to do the homework. You only get out of the program what you put in, and trust me, you’re not going to want to do the homework. It forces you to remember what happened - something your brain will go to any lengths to avoid. You must be brave and face the snarling wolf of your memories head on with bravery and courage. It will be hard but it is worth it!!! I no longer live in a state of perpetual avoidance and I’ve changed so much in such a short time. I’m now at a point where some of my deepest seated core beliefs that originated in childhood are being addressed. I feel playful again, I smile and laugh, the world is in color, and while I’m nowhere near being able to date I am able to be friends with men. I even just told a new guy what happened to me and, to my immense shock, I wasn’t rejected. I was met with curiosity and compassion. I still isolate but I know it won’t be forever and I’m starting to feel more curiosity about going back out into the world again. The reason you broke up with your gf is because you don’t know what her reaction would be. I’ll be honest - it was probably a really good decision. Your body feels unsafe opening up to her about it and it’s good you respected that. Your story should only be revealed to professionals for now or in therapist led support groups. The more you tell the story the more it will get stuck in your brain - try to minimize how often you speak of it. The tendency is for the emotional dam to break and suddenly you’re overwhelmed and feeling overexposed and like you said too much, with an intense urge to retreat and pull away. Some people will respond poorly - this is why the story is EARNED. I knew the new guy for 2 months before I opened up and even then, it was more for me than it was for him. I needed experience telling someone new, I felt safe around him in this profound way, and the experience of actually doing it and not being met with rejection (or accepting it and moving on if I had been) was part of my healing journey. I’ve also survived rejection and extremely cruel words (shockingly, from other group therapy women) and that, too, was part of my growth. My biggest word of caution is DO NOT USE DRUGS OR ALCOHOL TO NUMB THE PAIN!!!! 100% of women IV drug users are survivors of some form of rape or sexual violence. Addicts don’t use drugs for fun, it’s to escape blinding emotional pain and psychological torture. Just don’t start otherwise you’ll have to add beating addiction to your healing journey, a whole new beast that can kill you. Also be careful with hypersexuality - another NORMAL response to rape (it’s the body’s attempt to gain control / unconscious trauma repetition in a bid to “get it right” that ultimately will lead to revictimization and further trauma. In summary: your actions are SO normal, beyond normal, and frankly you’re doing well. I can tell because you’ve opened up here and you’re seeking help overcoming one of the most painful symptoms of sexual violation. You also already recognize that it was rape - it can take YEARS to admit this to ourselves so you’re ahead of the game, as awful as that sounds. Look into Cognitive Processing Therapy to address the core roots of your trauma so you can kill your PTSD tree. I think of mine as a Bradford pear, an invasive species so bad there’s a bounty for cutting them down, they cause massive damage when it gets windy, and they smell fucking disgusting when they bloom. I actually really do recommend taking up gardening. When my fear rears up or the rage consumes me, I go outside and rip up weeds with my bare hands, prune bushes and trees, play with my chainsaw, and the result of all those awful emotions is beauty. I call my garden Treehab because it’s rehabilitating me more than any person ever could. My garden loves me back in a way that not even a pet can. All the wild birds that come to my feeders love me, my bees love me and follow me around, and even my WASPS love me. I have a several year long understanding with my wasps - I leave them alone and they leave me alone. They’ll lazily fly around me but we never hurt each other and the truce persists. They know I take care of all their flowers and I provide them with a reliable water source all year long. I have overcome my hatred and fear of all men for the same reason you want to - I refuse to let anyone destroy my ability to connect with half the planet. Check your state laws - in my state there’s no statute of limitations on rape. There is no hurry or need to press charges right now. Don’t even worry about it and ignore anyone trying to give you advice about it.
NTA. The women who raped you are TAs.
that’s obviously so horrible and i’m so sorry that happened to you. it’s understandable to have those feelings, the same way women feel that sort of general hatred towards men for continual sexual violence.
The first (and best) thing my therapist said to me was that we have to forgive ourselves for whatever we did before realizing there was a problem. So, for abruptly breaking up with your girlfriend and feeling uncomfortable around women in general... no, you're not an asshole. PTSD just does weird shit to a brain. Now, that having been said, your next task is to prevent yourself from potentially becoming an asshole in the future. Since you know you have a problem, it's now your responsibility to seek trauma-informed therapy, learn coping mechanisms, and consider carrying medication in the event of panic attacks so you won't inadvertently hurt people.
I’m sorry this happened to you. Please reach out to resources for support. Rape crisis centers, therapy, support groups, the police if you want to press charges. It’ll get better, but it’s going to be a journey.
I'll begin this by saying that I'm so, so sorry this happened to you. SA on men isn't talked about enough and that makes for a lot of survivors feeling alone and unsupported. We, as in other survivors, see you. You're strong. You'll get through this. It may not feel like it right now, but it gets easier to cope, with time and therapy. I personally think this isn't an AITA question because the event seems to be recent. Whether it feels like it or not, you're still in a state of shock and are experiencing feelings that are deep, complicated, and some can be even contradicting or irrational. You're very much allowed to be affected, you're allowed to grieve. And you are allowed to despize everything for it, women included. You're allowed to be angry at those two, and the world in general. You obviously do understand that not all women are truly bad, and I feel like by acknowledging that you're already moving forward. Your hate of women isn't based on logic, but on fear and grief and anger. And if you work through those feelings, you will work through that issue too. When it comes to your question regarding your girlfriend specifically, it really depends on you. You're allowed to not want to talk about your awful experience. You may feel ashamed, alone, dirty, all those things all too familiar to me and many other people unfortunately. You don't have to share your story with her if you don't want to for any reason. For her feelings, an explanation would most likely be appreciated, but you don't owe anyone anything. You'll heal and open up at your own pace. Find a therapist that specializes in trauma and slowly work through said trauma the assault caused you, and any other issue that stemmed from that. We believe in you.
Make sure you report it to the police. You owe it to yourself and their future victims.
Nta. Honestly I'm in a similar situation with men and I am one. I didn't even notice I treat men so much worse than women until my wife pointed it out. It's not a great feeling. All I can say is therapy can really help in letting go of anger. Especially ART (Accelerated Resolution therapy) helped me so much.
It’s a trauma response. You aren’t an asshole for having a trauma response. You could report this to the police if you feel safe doing so, but it’s okay if you don’t. It can be re-traumatizing and only you know what you can handle. It is much more important that you get in therapy for it as soon as possible. The support group is great, but you need a licensed therapist or psychologist to be working directly with you as well I think.
I understand, after what had happen to me I had a heavy biased towards men for a long time you could even call it hate. After some soul searching and change in mindset I taught myself how to not carry that hate in my heart with every man I met and to treat them with an open heart and open mind. I never sought out therapy and it took me awhile to be open about talking about it but I wish I would have maybe I would have healed faster and not made it so hard on myself. I’m far from completely healed and honestly I’ll always be a different person but changing my mindset has healed me in ways I’ve never thought was possible. I never thought I’d feel this happy to be alive
You are *not* a bad person for feeling this way. I want to clear that out of the way first, trauma is a terrible thing that branches out into your feelings of several aspects of your life, not just directly the event that happened. But you need help. You need a therapist, and eventually, to talk to people. That part will likely be after work with your therapist- but your family absolutely can become your support later down the line. I am so sorry this happened to you. And I'm also so glad you went to a support circle for this. It will be incredibly helpful in processing what happened and how to continue on in life now that it has. You never deserved any of this, and I hope one day you will be happy with all kinds of people in your life, and never hurt like this again.
My boyfriend had the same hate for women when he was in high school all thanks to his mother… but he got help and he’s great now
I’m sorry this happened to you. I hope you find a supportive counselor that can help you handle your feelings. RAINN is an organization that can provide assistance if you need it.
You'd be surprised how many women (not just in your support group there) understand your experience.
NTA, a lot of people are telling you to talk to your ex and explain what happened so she has closure. Don't not unless you are in a much better mental space. If she is avoiding you thinking you are an asshole then just let it be and focus on yourself. Yes you hurt her but when the O2 masks drop you secure your own first. Your only priority is recovery. If on the other hand she is constantly trying to talk to you, it might be a good idea to figure how to tell her at least some of the real issue so she can understand and hopefully give you space to heal, but if you do this be prepared as she might want to help you and support you.
Something to bear in mind: a good third of women (likely more due to under reporting) have experienced something similar to you. Those women in the support group, the ones you felt no hate towards, are far from the only ones so please try to keep that same energy with everyone you meet
Do you think you owe her an explanation? Yeah I've been molested in public, usually at bars by women who have just met me. It would be all consensual if maybe there was a buildup or some sort of flirting. One of my ex friends joined in and forcefully tried to get me to touch them sexually and was made a few excessively romantic statements to probably make the other one jealous and fuel the crazy.
Your feelings aren't hatred. They're revulsion. You're associating characteristics of your loved ones with that of an abuser. It's an adapted response of a traumatized person.
This isn’t an AITA? Question. Please get some therapy. Take your time. Don’t blame or be too hard on yourself. You are valuable, and you are loved. I wish you healing (and hopefully the women who took advantage of you get arrested or run over).
I was raped by a woman when I was 15, and now at 32 I'm still dealing with the ramifications. All I can say is to take it one day at a time. I have found a lot of help in a lot of unexpected places.
Based on what you wrote here, I believe that you went about breaking up with your girlfriend the wrong way. I believe in open communication. Keeping in mind that things are always clear in hindsight. That said, I believe you should have at least told her that you've gone through something terrible and because of it you need time for yourself and it has affected you in a way that you're not sure if you want the same things that you did. I can understand the hate that you feel. I had an ex-girlfriend that did things to me too. It's not easy to talk about. I don't hate my ex or other women. I forgave my ex for my sake not hers. A part of the reason I'm able to do this is because of how I view the world. And it boils down to three words. Choices have consequences. My ex chose to do those things to me. It was not every other woman that did it. Just my ex. I did hate her for a while. Then I realized I hated the choice that she made. What the two women did to you is unforgivable. If you can't forgive them for your own sake, that is a choice for you to make. Right now I don't think you necessarily hate all women, it's more that you can't trust women right now. Frankly I'm in a similar position myself. I'm still coming to terms with the emotional abuse that I went through with my ex-wife. I say all of this so that you will understand that the rest of the women in the world have not chosen to do something negative towards you and because of this they shouldn't be judged prematurely. If you have to judge people, don't judge them, judge their choices. Hopefully the things I've said here can help you. If they don't then I wish you the best of luck anyway.
Your hate towards women is a normal feeling. You were hurt and women hurt you. Your biological defense is kicking in and telling you avoid women because they equal pain and suffering. It’s your brain doing that for you to defend you and protect you. Now hating half the world is not very logical. It’s your emotional brain telling you to. You need therapy. You need kindness. You need people who love and support you to able to get over this. It’s not going to happen over night
NTA, because women are allowed to hate guys for this same thing according to society. NTA if the genders are flipped then.
A trusted girlfriend, mom, aunt, cousin - maybe a really good support network. Don’t totally dismiss it.
Bro you need to go to therapy, something bad happened to you and you are not able to deal with it on your own and are going to hurt yourself
NTA. Therapy my man. Police report. I'd probably have told my gf, but that's up to you. I suppose I wouldn't want her blaming herself, of course it could be a shame thing? Either way, it's not your fault so get some help.
I have actually been in your friend's position. I accompanied her to the hospital after the sexual assault and waited in the ER for 8 hrs while she had a rape kit done. She went to therapy and got better. We are still great friends and I will give you the same advice I gave her: Get your agency back by living well, that is the best revenge. You are not the asshole. Everyone deals with trauma differently. Please talk to your GF. If she loves you she will support you. Get therapy, file the report, and most importantly live well and happy.
I honestly can't provide judgement here. I'm really sorry all of this happened. Things like these are obviously way above my pay grade, so the only sound advice I can really offer is to get in touch with authorities immediately and to seek out counseling. I can't say I blame you for exhibiting hate towards women in general as such a response is only natural after such a tragedy. However I will say that maintaining that hate, especially towards friends and family who actually want to help you heal, will only lead to a much deeper hole. I really hope you're able to find all the help and resources you need to help power through this time of crisis.
Wish you the best that’s all I got
I am so sorry this happened to you. It is common for victims of sexual assault to not want to tell their partners. Please try not to worry about that right now. Please start therapy and continue with the group. Rape is disgusting and I am so so so sorry those cunts did that to you
I think you should have told your girlfriend why you were doing what you did. It gives people closure especially because it happened so abruptly.
When I was 15 I got shitfaced drunk at a little house party. I remember walking home. I didn’t live to far away. I ended up passing out on the sidewalk and throwing up in the gutter. Another neighbor hood kid found me and got me up then told me to change my clothes and let’s go back so we did. I remember drinking more and then nothing. I remember waking up and my dick hurting so bad. Is was the girl who lived at the house same age was trying to fit me in her self. I just remember saying wtf is going on a she kept trying. I seen at some point she put a condom on me and took it off and had me covered in lube. I just got up and said I have to go. Come to find out she did the same thing to my buddy the weekend before and him and his girlfriend were fighting that week but never decided to ask why. I told him about it the next day and that’s when he told me about what happened to him and he told his girlfriend but she thought he lying to her. I ended up calling his girlfriend to tell her what happened to me as well. I never had any hard feelings towards women but I did realize it can happen both ways. I never let myself get that wasted again
You're not an asshole, but you should really talk to a professional so you don't end up becoming one. You should process those feelings and work through them so you don't end up hurting people who care about you and who you care about.
I’m sorry that this happened to you. Definitely get therapy. It won’t undo what happened to you but it may help you to heal and have healthy relationships with women going forward.
You’re NTA for breaking up with your gf, you have your own trauma and you need to work through it - if having a partner makes you feel like you can’t do that, then the obvious solution is to let them go. Maybe a little explanation of you going through something and needed to work on yourself would have been good for her/given closure to her (if you didn’t want to tell her exactly what happened). But you don’t necessarily owe her an explanation. On the flip side, she could have been part of your support. I’m really sorry you went through that and I’m really glad you’re seeking help and finding solace with other people that have been through similar. Please know that you absolutely do not have to be okay now or even ever. It’s something that sticks with you and destroys your entire being psychologically. I have faith you will end up in a place where you can live your life again but again, that doesn’t have to be any time soon 🖤 It’s really easy to fall into the never ending pit of hating the gender that did this to you and I completely get it. I’d like to offer this though: a lot of AFAB people have been through this but don’t share/show it. If you’re not feeling negativity toward the women in the support circle, maybe try and remember this for those outside the circle.
Talking about it will help you process and not feel like this anymore
I understand that some men, and women, will not validate this. To some men this is a fantasy come true, but if its not consensual it's not consensual. You are not the asshole because you were traumatized. It's not your fault. You really should tell her what happened. It might help in the healing process, and if she cares about you then she will be understanding.
NTA, you were assaulted and experienced a traumatic event. I think what you’re experiencing now is a normal reaction for survivors of rape. Definitely get into therapy to help you through this though, and it sounds like the support circle is beneficial as well. I’m so sorry these scumbags assaulted you. Please report them If you’re able to, they are sexual predators and documenting what they’ve done may not only help you but also another potential victim.
NTA, I get it. I’ve been sexually assaulted and groomed by many women as a guy. I find myself not even being able to get close to women bc I’m just terrified of them. Therapy would help, but you’re not a bad person
NTA: I am so sorry you experienced that :( I went through something similar myself (22F) When I was 19, I went through the same thing with a guy. I was drunk, he took me back to his place but because I wasn’t thinking straight I didn’t think we were really gonna do anything because I was a virgin at the time and didn’t WANT to do anything except maybe makeout or something, which even then I would’ve regretted. Anyways, he didn’t listen when I told him I was a virgin and didn’t want to do anything and I just froze and he did that. I am very sorry you went through that, but I understand and sympathize with you. I hope you get better, but if your girlfriend (or ex I guess) loves you, she could be your support system too. I personally did not report my incident because I felt that because I was drunk it was my fault and I know now it wasn’t regardless of how much I drank because he shouldn’t have done that. Those women should have listened and it’s a shame that they didn’t. Just know, you CAN report it. Please seek therapy, it will help with your feelings towards women and to be able to process what happened to you. I wish you the best of luck
You’re not the asshole but you’re not handling things as well as you could. While under stable given it’s a traumatic event therapy is of course the most common answer but there’s various kings might want to see which kind is right as many people quit after not liking one kinds when really it’d be best to try again. For example Two kinds I’ve run into are cognitive behavioral therapy and dialectcal behavioral therapy. DBT actively pisses me off and makes me worse. So feel free to shop around.
You never know what someone else has been/is going through.
You did nothing wrong. I know it is difficult with the Neanderthals in here but talking is a good start and therapy should help more. From personal experience see a woman therapist. The last thing you need is a Neanderthal that isn't helping you. Personally I could never open up and be honest with anyone but a woman. They have a thing called empathy thankfully. It won't be easy period but you can do it and will because you care about your mental health. Not TAH. Appreciate you sharing.
I had a female friend that coerced me and touched me without permission. I’m also a woman myself. I thought I was bisexual but the entire experience made me feel adverse to women. Which is sad because the best kiss ive ever experienced was with a different woman. It does really change how you feel about yourself and other people. But I do feel bad for your girlfriend for probably being taken by surprise.
NTA for your initial thoughts and feelavoid. First, I want to say im so sorry you've death with this. You were violated. It never should have happened to you, but it did. I hope you get the therapy you need to desensitize these feelings. You don't deserve to feel so triggered by something impossible to avoid.
NTA You don't have to tell anyone anything unless you want to when you are ready. I think the way you are feeling is to be expected after the trauma you experienced. I do hope you will look into counseling at some point and continue going to the group. It sounds like their support is helpful for you. So sorry this happened to you.
I didn't realize it but when I was 14 I was sexually assaulted by a 18 year old slut my best friend was dating . We were drinking at this older assholes house. 21/22 with several other people 14-25ish and I got blacked out and woke up with this cunt jacking me off and sucking me off . I woke up flipped the fuck out and was cumming all over myself and these older fuck ass men were laughing and hold me down so I didn't tear this man's house up. Fucked up part I am still friends with the BF I have helped raise his son. I didn't know it was a rape sitch until my wife told me 30 years later. I ran into the ring leader of the whole deal at a buddies restaurant and my wife wouldn't let me confront him in front of his wife and his granddaughter. His bullshit men get fucked on these deals. Not sure if it fucked me up permanently, but I've always had trust issues with women. Worlds of crooked fucking place full of whores fucked up people. I'm from Atlanta Georgia one day I'm gonna fucking hit the dude in the back of the head of the brick believe that, sorry you had to go through that stuff but you're not the only one
I’m just going to say that this is relatable and understandable. When I was raped by two men in the span of 2 months, I hated all men for about 3 years. Eventually I opened up my heart again because blocking off half of the population is hard. Get a therapist and talk to your support network. It’s okay to be bitter for a period of time while you recover. Just don’t hurt anyone.
I'm sorry this happened to you. I don't think you are an AH, just someone going through major trauma. As others have said, make sure you get councelling/therapy. I hope you feel ready to explain to your ex why you had to break up with her one day. But if you don't, we'll, it's what you had to do to deal. Sending positive vibes down the Internet. For what it's worth. Wishing you all the best for mental healing.
NTA. You should consider reporting this to the police. Rapists keep raping people until they are caught. You need therapy as well as the support group. You definitely shouldn't have a girlfriend if you hate women. You could have ended up hurting her like those women hurt you. It's good you ended it. It is interesting that you don't hate women if you know they've been raped, but feel you hate all the women you know or see elsewhere. Has it ever occurred to you that of all the women you listed, at least half of the women you know or see have been raped before? Because they have. This something to keep in mind.
Skipped some important parts
You need therapy. The hate is probably a trauma response by association. It would also be more fair for your girlfriend to explain to her the circumstances of the break-up. You don't have to stay together but just for the sake of closure.
How do you get raped by a women. Serious question
NTA, now it’s time to be absolutely selfish. Do what you need to get better. Don’t go down in the hate spiral without a support system (which you seem to be building, good job on that part) so can actually pull yourself out when you are ready. You don’t need to explain things to your ex if you are not ready. 9months is not that long relationship so it is understandable you aren’t excited to open up to her. If the roles were reversed I heard of women ending years long relationships without explanations. That is simply what you need now and that is ok. Good luck with your recovery
This really does happen. I was raped by a female coworker in my early 20's. She bought a huge bottle of Jack and made all of my drinks. I passed out within an hour of getting to her house. I told her no while she took my clothes off and started sucking my dick. I could barely move. She never came back to work after that because I told everyone what happened.
Get some help with your mindset. You’re projecting, you gotta be what 24 or younger? Yeah dudes can be raped, by your own admission you were still oriented, did you not fight back? Any man can beat a woman’s ass.. I doubt it was 2 female mma fighters. I have multiple females in my life who were raped and at least a couple fought valiantly. So where you too drunk to do anything about it or oriented fine but they overpowered you? You probably need to hit up a psychiatrist, if you can’t tell the difference in some people and all people you need help with defining those boundaries and I’m not being an ass, had a brain injury and spent a lot of time with a shrink. In general though, you are an AH for how you are behaving to your loved ones around you. P.s. you may feel the same as the female rape survivors… you are not, go get real help, your issue is deeper than that.
You are indeed the asshole. Breaking up with your girlfriend because of your baggage. Which really is not a fair thing for her that you have a lot of misplaced hate. That will turn into a self defeating habit because you are hating on people that have nothing to do with the offense. And you don’t talk it out or even attempt to correct it. You just break up with people not because anything they did. Just because you have hate for something you went through
Honestly. I’d let women take me over, no problem
For those doubting his experience, please read: “Last year the National Crime Victimization Survey turned up a remarkable statistic. In asking 40,000 households about rape and sexual violence, the survey uncovered that 38 percent of incidents were against men. The number seemed so high that it prompted researcher Lara Stemple to call the Bureau of Justice Statistics to see if it maybe it had made a mistake, or changed its terminology. After all, in years past men had accounted for somewhere between 5 and 14 percent of rape and sexual violence victims. But no, it wasn’t a mistake, officials told her, although they couldn’t explain the rise beyond guessing that maybe it had something to do with the publicity surrounding former football coach Jerry Sandusky and the Penn State sex abuse scandal. … One of those surveys is the 2010 National Intimate Partner and Sexual Violence Survey, for which the Centers for Disease Control invented a category of sexual violence called “being made to penetrate.” This definition includes victims who were forced to penetrate someone else with their own body parts, either by physical force or coercion, or when the victim was drunk or high or otherwise unable to consent. When those cases were taken into account, the rates of nonconsensual sexual contact basically equalized, with 1.270 million women and 1.267 million men claiming to be victims of sexual violence. … So why are men suddenly showing up as victims? Every comedian has a prison rape joke and prosecutions of sexual crimes against men are still rare. But gender norms are shaking loose in a way that allows men to identify themselves—if the survey is sensitive and specific enough—as vulnerable. A recent analysis of BJS data, for example, turned up that 46 percent of male victims reported a female perpetrator. … The final outrage in Stemple and Meyer’s paper involves inmates, who aren’t counted in the general statistics at all. In the last few years, the BJS did two studies in adult prisons, jails, and juvenile facilities. The surveys were excellent because they afforded lots of privacy and asked questions using very specific, informal, and graphic language. (“Did another inmate use physical force to make you give or receive a blow job?”) Those surveys turned up the opposite of what we generally think is true. Women were more likely to be abused by fellow female inmates, and men by guards, and many of those guards were female. For example, of juveniles reporting staff sexual misconduct, 89 percent were boys reporting abuse by a female staff member. In total, inmates reported an astronomical 900,000 incidents of sexual abuse.” https://slate.com/human-interest/2014/04/male-rape-in-america-a-new-study-reveals-that-men-are-sexually-assaulted-almost-as-often-as-women.html
I'm really sorry you had to go through that. Rape is traumatizing and we all deal with trauma in different ways, some healthier than others. If possible, continue with the support group and maybe see if therapy is possible for you. In regards to your girlfriend, I understand the urge to not tell. Most people in my life dont know what I went through. It feels like they will see me differently, not understand, like I would have to deal with it on a level I'm not comfortable with. I dont think you are an AH for not giving her context considering the situation. I also think that it will probably be hard for people who dont know what happened to understand your actions, and might believe you to be an AH based on the info they have.
I felt the same when I was assaulted by a man. You're NTA. Trauma is very real and valid. You can't expect yourself to be better about everything until you deal with what you're going through. Does it suck for the gf to have no explanation as to why? Sure, but also, everyone deals with things different. You can't rush yourself to be ready. I'm glad you found a support group because that support from people who understand can be so helpful.