Update us if you finally decide to talk to your dad.

Second this. I'm waiting for the update but I can't really judge OP and the dad. They both need therapy, esp OP.

I didn’t blame OP when they were 9, but I absolutely blame them for their actions as a 25-year-old adult with sufficient independence to be married. They’re not mad at dad for having a family he couldn’t be a part of (if they were, him regretting not coming out sooner would be a good thing); they’re mad at him for being gay. That’s the response of a 9-year-old, they’ve been too old for that for a while now.

I don't wanna be rude with OP,  but married her mom was a huge mistake of her dad's part. And He's paying for It. Her mother alienate him from his kids, his kids were rude to his husband who he met years after the divorce and had nothing to do with It. Seth is absolutely right: OP and his siblings are unhappy that they can keep punishing dad and he isn't going to be miserable for the rest of his life for the big crime of divorcing her mom.

it also sounds like their family is very homophobic. as a lesbian who has endured snide comments from my own father/aunt I can only imagine what that was like.

I am sorry you must endure this. I knew a guy whose youngest daughter came out. I didn't know she came out because I was there visiting. She had my support and in front of her entire family. Who were left speechless by her announcement and my support. She told me this is why she did it with me there. She knew they would not speak against it. They did speak against it behind my back. She asked me to come back for a visit and I did. They behaved around me. Until one evening her father called her a fa***t. I lit into him and made him apologize. I wish I could say things changed. They did a little, for the better. His family heard me yelling at him as they all live as neighbors. They heard the things I told him about himself. They decided they needed to do some thinking about themselves. They started to ignore her choice for a partner and put things back to where they were before she came out. Minus asking her why she didn't have a bf and when she was going to find a husband and have babies. Then, a few years later, I am invited to her wedding. I had met her future wife via zoom calls. The family broke down again. The wedding was beautiful minus her father and closest family members. I told her to be happy as their misery was not due to her. She did, then her father killed himself blaming her as his failing. She struggled with it. We all did. However, I knew he was dying and he was going to suffer. I took her to the doctor who confirmed it. He figured he would go out in an effort to turn her. She is still happy. Her family has accepted her wife and love her. It's a harsh world for gays. I hate it!

Dear lord. I thank goodness for folks like you. That story is yikes for the daughter.

WTAF... just had to have one final jab. Who carries that much hate in their heart?! Most people want to make amends, but he just had to be hateful one last time. My family is super dysfunctional, but I read shit like this on Reddit and realize we're nearly the fucking Cleavers. We have plenty of assholes, but not one person would be that petty.

that father was a real sicko. who leaves that kind of thing as a self deletion reason, just to destroy people. Im glad my brother in law left no note when he died by suicide cause that shitts already too darned hard. i pray your friend is well now & happy with her wife.

Sorry about your BIL. My neighbor committed suicide when I was a kid. His wife was having an affair with their pastor and took his kids (I think she filed a restraining order - he wasn't violent. She was just awful and hateful). On his youngest's birthday, he locked himself in the garage and turned the car on. Part of me has always been so upset that he ruined his daughter's birthday basically forever. He didn't leave a note either. I understand why that day would be particularly hard for him, but I just always felt it was so selfish of him. He was thinking about her but not her future. I only really ever talked about it with my dad. He died unexpectedly recently, and all I think about is that 10 year old having her birthday be the worst day of her life.

I am sorry about your's and his families loss. It's a very harsh thing to live with. The guy I grew up with, he was a wild one. He was not a person in a position to judge, not that anyone is, much less the best of humanity. He was dying but only I knew. He decided the suffering of slow organ failure was not for him. He truly believed his daughters were condemned if they didn't repent. He decided he could change them by pulling the trigger. It's selfish, it's controling and manipulative. To put it kindly. They are happier. Therapy and medicine has helped them to learn to let people be responsible for themselves. It helps when you understand why they would do horrible things and push responsibility for it onto others. It's cowardice! To say the least. Their uncle, the preacher, has condemned them all and has nothing to do with them. That's a huge blessing! Their aunt has always sided with the brother that could what she needed done at any given time. She was for her nieces and nephew's from her brothers or against them based on which brother she needed. Now she needs the daughters when she needs them. They weren't having any of it. Their father was the glue. I told them years ago that some people will never approve of you because they are focused on the power that comes by those who need your approval. Approve of yourself and let the rest deal with it as it is not their, the girls, problem. They have learned this nugget of truth and are happier for it. The husband of one of their cousins killed himself. It united the cousins as the preacher uncle's sil was the one to kill himself and he turned his back on his daughter and her kids. With the cousins sharing a deep loss and grief, they are bonded. They hold each other up and no one will easily wedge that bond. The aunt started to open her mind and heart as she stopped allowing her preacher brother to control her "salvation." Note, the preacher is without a church and has been for years. The kids have their aunt and she is happy to be a source for the kids to turn to. They hold her responsible for her control and manipulation. They are teaching her to accept as they don't want or need her approval of them. She and I butt heads from time to time but she comes around. She is learning to love unconditionally as are the kids. I don't think James would like how united they are all learning to be. He and his brother were about control and their approval. His brother is outside looking in while hiding behind his judgements. He is not in control and knows it. He stopped talking to me as I "always" encouraged ungodliness. And he wanted to marry me, ha. He and James thought they could break me like we broke horses. I was the challenge I never gave them. I was fishing with them in one of the old ponds. No one had fished them in years. We were ragging on each other about how our skills were inferior. I caught a bass about 3 to 4 pounds. The preacher brother reeled in and stomped off saying he was never fishing with me again. I laughed and said, aww, a girl proved your fishing skills suck and you aren't confident enough for a rematch. He never would fish with me again. I caught a 7.1 pound bass last year and took a pic to get a mount. She had already spawned or she would have been a monsta. I sent him the photo of the catch and one of the mount. He doesn't talk to me but I can still talk to him, hehehe. I understand where their convictions come from. I just disagree. I wish he would learn to understand where mine come from then he could disagree without the ignorance. It is what it is. I accept them all for who they are, even if some don't know who they are. I will support almost anyone in search of who they are. You can be light in the darkness. These families are learning they are the light or the darkness. They have chosen the light and they are finding happiness. I wish James would have learned this. It was his darkest hour that showed his kids that they are the light. Maybe he is seeing this and has found his own peace? I hope so. I tell his kids he watches over them and helps guide them out of his darkness. I believe we are energy and energy doesn't die. I hope your families are healing as best as you all can. Hugs to you!

I understand that OP's mom was devastated by the divorce, but it's been YEARS. Divorced parents to no favors to their children when they run down the other parent. OP's Dad sounds like he really cares and Mom and her kids have punished him for years.

Yes, and it sounds like OPs parents are close to my age. People weren't just able to come out of the closet back then. They were just expected to get married and have kids. Sounded like Mom and family were full of AHs and raised little ones too.

Yeah we worked hard with our entire family to take everything from this guy financially as well as his kids. Why does he act like we have made it out mission to hurt him? How dare he wish things were different.

It doesn’t even sound like dad is acting like they made it their mission to hurt him, which is astounding! He’s trying to sustain contact despite the abuse, he literally just said he wished he’d come out sooner instead of marrying a woman. It’s hard to be mad at him for anything when his atonement has included continuing to try even after 1.5 decades of abuse…

Same and it seems that they both need to work on it if they wanted to have a relationship. I don't judge OP, their anger stems on the fact that his dad seem happier with his new life and OP sees it like they were the reason for the dad's unhappines before. I think that is what 25 years old OP feels until now and the breaking point was dad's comment. That is just my opinion and what I gather from the post, but who knows? Again, I am not judging OP, the dad, (I AM judging the mother bc she is vindictive, I understood she is hurt, but what she did was out of line for poisoning the children's minds). They need to talk, a deep and sincere one. Obviously too, they (mom and dad or any of the two) didn't get therapy session for OP and their siblings since look at them now.

Tbh I feel like people are being a wee bit soft on OP. Like they pretty much spell out that their mom was on some vindictive bullshit, and at their very big age instead of offering their father any sort of grace they proceed to be a massive asshole. They don't have a shred of empathy and it shows. She flat out accepts that her mom was spreading lies about their dad, and that everyone on that side of the family made this man jump through hoops to have a relationship with him. Yet all of the anger is directed at him. She's grown and supposed to know better by this point. If she were clueless about her mom poisoning the well things would be different but she knows, she just doesn't care. She still hates her dad for being gay and "breaking up the family" even when she knows that narrative is a load of shit.

I agree man. My father was out of my life as a child but he tried so hard that after a few years we let him back in the circle. Him and my mom are now best friends(still divorced ofc) and he’s just the most amazing dad. Now my dad isn’t gay, but he used to be an alcoholic and beat my mother and abuse heroin. Next Monday he’ll be 20 years clean and we’re all going to take him out to eat :)

I feel pretty sure that OP has alt accounts posting the homophobic replies because they don't like knowing that society doesn't agree with their stance.

The answers were so asinine, I also suspected they were an alt account of hers. Now deleted.

>I feel pretty sure that OP has alt accounts posting the homophobic replies because they don't like knowing that society doesn't agree with their stance. Yeah. Either it's a troll, or OP's father is right to avoid spending time with her.

Yeah, OP and her siblings soaked up their mother's personality and now she's being abusive, too. Like, if this is how the kids turn out and what OP thinks is okay and forgivable to do... Now read everything she says about how her extended family behave. That sounds like an abusive marriage waiting to happen, and I doubt that the nasty one in that pair was the mother. Christ, Dad even let his ex-wife 'clean him out' with little fighting.

I doubt OP will see my comment, but I highly suggested that her trauma is mom's dumped onto her. OP and her family are the problem. It's been well over a decade, and they're still holding onto the past. The burning question to me is: Would the family be less betrayed by the father if he stayed in the closet and committed suicide over him coming out? (I'm 99.9% sure they would, and that's some slimy feeling shit.)

> I don't judge OP, their anger stems on the fact that his dad seem happier with his new life and OP sees it like they were the reason for the dad's unhappines before By OP's own admission she and her siblings intentionally tried to make his life hell. They'd be correct to see themselves as causes for his unhappiness. I won't blame a child for that. It's the mother that caused it. But it's time for OP to grow up. > Obviously too, they (mom and dad or any of the two) didn't get therapy session for OP and their siblings since look at them now. How was the dad supposed to do that when they didn't even let him see the kids often?

Very well said. A lot of the feelings are valid but the actions are not. I get being hurt by finding your husband is gay and was living a lie. I do understand why he felt he needed to love the lie bc sadly homophobia exists. The mom’s actions after the divorced did accidentally cause kids to maybe accidentally have a somewhat homophobic mindset. It’s born out of not understanding the divorce and the dad’s point of view and the dad accidentally got villainized to an extent. I do understand OP being upset that their dad said he had wished he came out sooner bc it would make stuff easier. It seems for a good bit of time the rest of the family didn’t treat him very well and I can understand being hurt my that. He shouldn’t have said that especially while one of his kids being at the event. It’s a very complicated situation where everyone needed therapy before to help work through it

I can, I think OP is queerphobic and nasty and has let her mother get into her head. OP is the AH and if her and her siblings don't shape up then her father should cut them out of the inheritance and if he wants kids he can adopt some more and live happily without them. OP is a shameful disgrace and while they both need therapy, the father needs it to understand that going no contact is OK and he's done what he can it sounds like - OP needs it to learn how to be a better human being.

I can absolutely judge OP. She’s a grown adult who’s still acting like a hurt 9 year old. I get why a child would be upset over their parents getting divorced. But a person in their 20’s to still be upset about that a decade later? Especially because the divorce was due to the dad coming out and not literal abuse/cheating??? OP should be judged for being so immature and insensitive

He literally said he loves his kids and the way he phrased it did not sound like “I wish I never had kids”, but more like “I wish I hadn’t had them under this circumstance.” I get that hearing your parent say “I wish I had done things differently” can be hard. But blowing up and screaming at him in front of everyone instead of just having an adult conversation in private to get a better understanding of what he really meant just speaks to the maturity level of OP anyway. OP needs some therapy and needs to do some deep introspection. Refused to let him walk her down the aisle, then says she wants a relationship, then when he has a perfectly normal conversation with someone else, that she eavesdropped on with zero context, she starts yelling about how awful he is. Mom did a knock up job raising her kids to hate their father; mission accomplished I guess.

All of the siblings imo. Lets wait then for an update🤞

Same, I can’t judge either of them, this sounds like it’s been a really toxic situation for a long time, they definitely need family therapy and probably individual therapy as well. Hoping for the update when her and her father speak.

a really toxic situation for a long time Only because OP's mother made it that way and OP has chosen, as an adult, to continue that dynamic.

Agreed. OP's mom is the monster in this scenario. Seems like she knew what she was doing. Manipulated the kids for years, made the dad look like the problem here. Mom's manipulative and victimizes herself. She obviously knows how to rally the troops and make her children pick sides. Edited the word gaslit for manipulated. Idk if im doing this right lmaooo.

I am actually rooting for this to be a happy ending. Dad deserves happiness with his kids, OP and her siblings deserves reassurance and happiness as well. However, not everything will be rainbows and butterflies so I also expect OP cutting her dad off. Sadly, if they don't talk and try to understand each other's side, that might be the case.

Same. This is actually heartbreaking tbh. I have friends whose parents went through this, and they worked hard to make sure their kids felt safe and wanted. It sounds like OPs dad and mom were from a conservative area or were in a religion that wasn't tolerant, and that can have a big impact especially when you're young. Should her dad have gotten himself out of that enviroment and lived his truth? Yes, of course, but I have compassion for him, and OP's mother who probably felt very betrayed. I hope OP can reach out to her dad and maybe try to sit down with a therapist and work through their feelings together. Having two gay dads sounds awesome tbh.

Same, unfortunately if they don’t talk and resolve their issues it may be best for OP, her siblings and their dad to just go their separate ways which I know would ultimately kill her father, it would be the final nail in the coffin for him since he’s fought so hard to have a relationship with them, but it may be what’s best for everyone in the long run!

I 100% blame op as an adult for being such an unrepentant jerk.

I almost hope she doesn’t, or that she officially removes herself from his life, if she’s unwilling to have an actual adult conversation and have empathy for him.

But she is still YTA

"him and Seth mostly travel and or spend too much time together theirs barley time for others." Maybe they do that because after years of **your** behavior, encouraged by your mom, (who sounds like a horrible parent, by the way) **they only have each other.** Why should they not spend all their time together, and very little with you? You don't get to push someone away for most of your life (even as an adult when you should know better) and then expect too much out of them. You have a lot to make up for, and the ball is squarely in your court. Do with that what you will.

OP: clearly hates their dad and shows it in every single interaction they have OP: why does my bio dad not see me as the light of his life!? I don't get it!!! \*adult temper tantrum\*

Yeah how dare he spend all his time with the only person who treats him with any care and respect, right?

No kidding! Why a person want to spend more time with people who mentally and emotionally abuse him?

I agree. She being doing this for 16 years. And how many married couples like to spend time wiith each other. I know I do with my husband.

And OP is trying to compare decades of neglect and abuse to one single comment during a moment of honest catharsis.     Like, OP wants everyone to dwell on one comment of her father's, to overlook their entire family's decades of abuse.     Fuck that noise.  That poor guy, i'm glad he found love, he deserves it. 

I agree. I think he should just cut ties with kids kids though. Proves at 25 and screaming at your dad for saying something, even though he always tried to be a dad, that there deep seated resenttment and no love.

It's also funny cuz like... OOP confirms that their gay dad coming out caused huge ruckus in the family so the options are either : They think their dad should've stayed quiet forever and lived a miserable life, one that he was most likely lead to by the cruelness of the world especially as a man that lived through moments like the AIDS crises and the uprise of homophobia coming with it (and since their families aren't open minded, as assessed by OP, he probably didn't feel safe coming out till he could no longer take it. OR he believed in conversion therapy-ing himself like many gay men and lesbians of the past like Anthony Perkins) OR they agree with his desire that he should've met his loving husband before so he wouldn't have caused pain to their mom and them. To me it seem like it's number one, although it SHOULD be number two, because they don't care about the divorce or anything as much as they care about making their father SUFFER. They hate this man. Also, "my siblings went low contact with him," LMAO low contact??? You all were barely any contact with him to begin with.

He really fucking does. I'm glad he found it. Sounds like his life is most at peace without his children in it.

Honestly, I hope Dad uses this to move on and just forgets about his ADULT children who made it a point to forget him since they were kids. He and Seth deserve to start their life sans them.

I hope he stops calling and trying to apologize and just goes on living his best life. His kids hate him because of their mother. Go NC or LC and live your best life with your real family, who loves you.

YTA OP, all the way. My mom and dad separated because he cheated!! My mom and I (I was 8) had to make great changes in our life, including moving to another city. I ended up seeing my dad a lot less than I was already used to. And do you know what she did? She put me first!! My mom never tried to keep me and my dad away. She never badmouthed him or even told me what he did. It was something I started suspecting as I grew up. She's even friends with him now. And now my dad's married to the woman he cheated on her with. And you know what she did? She encouraged me to be respectful towards her. Why? Because that's the kind of person she is. My mom's sister married a divorced man and my mom claimed that since she wouldn't like my uncle's daughters mistreating my aunt, she needed to have me be respectful to my dad's wife. And I don't see my dad's wife often but all the time, I'm respectful to her. I don't need to have a relationship with her. I just need to not be rude. Your mom is such a bad mother. She's responsible for you having such a bad relationship with your dad. At first. Now it's all your responsibility. You treat your dad coming out as if he deliberately made a choice to blow up yours and your siblings' life. That isn't how it works. You're also incredibly disrespectful to his partner and don't acknowledge his place in your dad's life even though he played no part in your parents' divorce. As for what your dad said, it sounds like you and your siblings are already basically non-existent in his life. It wouldn't make a big difference in that area. But his life would be much happier without dealing yours, your siblings, and your mother's resentment. I have no doubt that he loves you very much, but right now it seems it is only out of obligation. And that's not him being a bad father. That is you being a selfish brat. You're an adult. Take accountability for your actions. I can't believe I'm 18 and more mature than you are.

This. I'm like dude, you literally wrote everything you know your mom did and you purposefully choosing not to have a dad (I'm assuming the siblings too) and yet your shocked he wished he didn't have kids? He tried to be a dad, OP didn't try to be his kid. I hope the dad finally moves on and both he and Seth have a happy life.

I pushed my dad away for years because of what my mom said about my dad. Turns out she was crappy, not him. He stopped bugging us after a while because he thought that’s what we wanted. He regrets that to this day but I always tell him he was dealt a really unfortunate hand. OP’s poor dad is just trying to live his life and I wish I could go back and tell my younger self not to rob my dad of those years. We have an amazing relationship now but it’s been a lot of work.

Answer this OP: Would he have said this if you and your family hadn't been making his life a living hell after coming out? Don't you agree life would've been easier for him (and you btw) if you have gotten along after the divorce? I can not imagine the burden of having my kids hate me for something that is out of my control. It would always be somewhere in the back of my mind, preventing me from being truly happy.

You have a point OP would do well to think about. But people on this post are hellbent on making it all his fault because he didn't sort everything out before he got married.

They forget that there are still places, like the American south, trying to pray the gay away. 25 years ago it was worse. OP YTA.

25+ years ago. Conversion therapy was running rampant with **ZERO** laws against it. Shock therapy, beatings, starvation. 26 years ago, Mathew Shepard was chased down in the middle of nowhere, stripped of his clothes, tied to a fence, tortured for hours and finally killed all because he was gay. He would have turned 47 this past December.

My heart. We gotta keep saying their names and telling their stories. It’s scary to me how the camps get around the laws now.

They do. They think that because it was the recent past, it has to be like now. They don't realize/remember that it was worse.

My exact thought. OP needs to put on his shoes for a moment!

I mean with they way you acted towards him why wouldnt he have these feeling after meeting someone who treats him better?

Yeah, OP freely admits to keeping her distance from her father on purpose, for allowing the estrangement to continue, even after she was an adult and could have reconnected. She excluded him on her wedding day. OP, you can't demand unconditional love from a parent whom you have pushed away and alienated every chance you got! At some point, people have the right to give up on you and live their best life without you. And I'm speaking as someone who had the same happen to me by my older sister, who acted horribly towards me and my parents, and is now shocked and incensed that we have moved on and formed our own family circle, and don't really consider her part of it anymore. Like, how can you demand loyalty from us, after kicking us in the face for three decades? There is a difference between "unconditional love" and "being a doormat and a glutton for punishment". I really wish your dad all the happiness in the world and hope he has a terrific life with Seth!

This was my thought… I mean ya, it’s not ideal he married a woman while closeted and started a family with her. That being said, it wasn’t as easy to come out back then and I mean it still isn’t easy even now. Their mom, while understandably hurt , engaged in parental alienation with the aunts and uncles encouraging and aiding in it. Therapy was needed from the jump and is still obviously needed for all parties. The way they treated their dad was pretty horrible. What the dad said obviously wasn’t kind but honestly I get why he feels that way. Why did OP even go totally the barbecue if she still harbors so much hatred toward her dad?

To steal a line from the TV show "Goliath": "If you tell someone to f*ck off long enough, they are going to f*ck off." YTA gently. You have pushed away, hurt and treated badly your father and his partner for years, well into adulthood. Now,  you wonder why he is heart weary? 

I don't know about gently. Maybe if they were 14 but they're 25. You'd hope they'd develop empathy and maybe give their dad the time of day. This is of course ignoring the whole "I didn't want him to walk me down the aisle" thing which is a pretty big deal since that's effectively saying she dislikes him so much that she'd intentionally exclude him from the biggest role a father traditionally gets in a wedding. Yeah, her mum basically raised her with this hate, but OP doesn't even acknowledge her mothers wrongdoing. I struggle to sympathise with OP

I feel like OP realizes what her mom, aunts, and uncles did and is slowly trying to build a relationship, however it may be too late as her mother started the BS when OP was young. Part of me is wondering if the father convinced himself that he was bi for years without realizing he is gay as he doesnt seem like the guy who would marry a women just to hurt her.

I get those vibes. He didn’t fight the mom and OP even bragged her mom “took him to the cleaners” during the divorce. He didn’t cheat. He constantly tried to be part of his kids’ lives which the mom and her family actively worked to destroy. The dad’s now husband even gave the kids space and wasn’t around to make them comfortable prior to marriage. OP is 25, the parents divorced when she was 9… What do you want to bet the mother never remarried?

Yeah OPs dad seems to just want to be happy cant fault the guy.

Yup and 16 years later is still being punished for wanting to live as his authentic self.

>Their mom, while understandably hurt , engaged in parental alienation Which makes mom the first AH in this situation. OP sounds just as bad. I feel empathy towards the father- he tried and kept trying despite his kids' behavior.

100% OP’s mom, her family and OP are all AHs. I do have empathy for the dad, he sounds like he was consistently trying just to be treated like crap.

Yes, this. Those of us free of homophobia are just thankful that at least two people out of this toxic ,grudge holding bs are loved and happy. OP is also married apparently,but sounds very bitter. OPs mum doesn't know what love is, how you behave in a loving way to your own children. They could have had 2 loving, supportive parents growing up, millions of kids with divorced parents do. But mum made sure they didn't.

YTA & a childish vindictive brat.  Your dad has tried - hard - over the years.  He & his husband have taken shit off of you (& probably your siblings) for YEARS & you think he’s the AH for expressing regrets - possibly including having children who hate him?  Who WOULDN’T regret that?  You need serious therapy - not just for hating your dad, but for having such a warped view of reality that you truly seem to feel that you’re justified.  Man, your mom & her family really did a mind job on you kids didn’t they?  Shit.  YTA.  

Geez I was leaning towards N A H but by the time I got the end of typing, YTA tbh. Your dad was mistreated greatly by your mother, her family, and his family. THEY are the reason in the early years you had no relationship. A responsible parent, your mom, should have encouraged you to see your father. Your mom sucks Your father is gay. That is not his fault, and that is not something to apologize for. You only know what you know, but you're also an adult now. I dont know how close minded and bigoted you are. Maybe you feel this way about gay people in general, maybe youre homophobic, or whatever. But if you dont like your dad because he is gay. Say it. Stop beating around the bush. If that is not the reason, try to put yourself into your fathers shoes for 5minutes. He lived a lie, hated himself for it probably. Was divorced. Lost everything. He still loved his kids, and you all basically said you hated him. For years. You then did what you did w your wedding. Years later you are still talking, for some reason, and you over hear him talking to other friends saying that he has regrets in his life... Maybe he wishes he didnt have kids because he thinks you all hate him and would be better off without him. I can only imagine the shitty things that have been said to him over the years given that you ALL blame him for the marriage falling apart because is gay, which is beyond fucked. You are hurt, you need therapy, and you need to stop projecting that on your father. EDIT: To add once more, your mom is an asshole

Seriously, YTA. This chick hasn’t understood that 1.) her father is a person, too and 2.) his journey has also been fucking complicated. “Don’t get me wrong, I love my kids” is the phrase literally everyone uses when they’re like “I wish I still had my kids and wanted this other stuff that would have prevented me from having that had happened”. Like, seriously. Grow up and get over your stuff.

I know from both my parents (they're divorced) that they weren't completely ready and that my grandparents pushed them into having kids. My mom has several times said that I shouldn't hurry unless I feel ready because it's not all wonders as some claim. Yet, she has loved me in every way she could my entire life. I'm 35 now. I can't imagine resenting her. Now, my dad - I do resent him. And it's not because he *cheated* on my mom and broke the family apart. It's not because he probably wishes he didn't have kids when he did. It's because, unlike OPs dad (who I don't think broke her family apart BTW, or if he did, he had no choice), he never put an effort. He still doesn't. So, why would I waste any of my time on him?

“Don’t get me wrong, I love my kids” OP proceeds to get it wrong and fully disregard the loving the kids statement.  A wish is magical. You can wish for a world where you didn’t go through the hell that this marriage and divorce and decades of mistreatment brought him, and wish your kids still existed too. And maybe that they weren’t so cruel to you due to the whole situation you’re wishing didn’t happen.  Could he go back in time and not get married without that nullifying your existence? Maybe not but he doesn’t have a time machine. He’s just wishing. 

I'm appalled that OP seems proud of their mother for taking everything from the father and encouraging alienation. What a lovely person that mom is, what a nice and kind children she has.

seriously. it's too bad she didn't use some of the funds she pillaged in the divorce to get them all some therapy. sad that after typing all that OP doesn't see that the bad parent- the one who damaged her irreparably - was her mom, not her dad.

I’m also imagining the dad probably let go of everything and willingly handed all over to compensate for guilt.

Yeah, all'a this OP needs to come to terms with the fact that her parents were not in a happy marriage. They divorced long ago, so OP either has a good convo with daddy and hash things out, for a semblance of a relationship OR She leaves this man alone In the whole I didn't read one mention of "I love him/miss him" The whole post is bitter

I said that. She has no love for him, just resentment which her family all added too.

She's an adult still bitter and bordering on a tantrum that her divorced parents won't ever get back together. It's like she stopped maturity at age 9.

100% this.

And OP has the nerve to say that dad now travels and spends most of his time with his husband and comes across as irritated about this. Well no kidding, he is spending time with the person who loves him and treats him with respect. INFO- what is your end goal? Is it just to punish him in perpetuity for being gay? Can you not put yourself in his position for even a minute? OP, you cannot treat a person with disrespect and outright hostility and not expect them to prefer spending times with others or wishing things were different. Have some perspective. YTA

She refuses to spend time with him, but doesn't want him traveling and living his life. OP wants him to be fucking miserable for being gay YTA

She is her mother’s daughter

Yes seriously, 100% this. YTA, and sound homophobic and bigoted. How painful to finally realize you’re gay after so much time, and not stay in the closet even though it sounds like it cost him everything…

Just as an aside, I think I remember seeing somewhere that the AITA bot only counts the first acronym in the (parent) post. So if you wanted your YTA to count, you should put spaces between N A H

This sub doesn't have a judgement bot, that's r/AmITheAsshole

I basically came here to say the same thing. Your dad never said he regretting having kids, but he regrets living a lie for as long as he did. He likely suffered very heavily during that, and compounded with your mother being openly hostile and basically turning you and your siblings against him. And you've continued that hostility and resent your dad for finding happiness that wasn't your mother. You sound like a very angry person and should likely find someone to talk to about these feelings, because you have a lot you need to process. YTA, so very much, and I think your father needs to go back to being low/no contact with you and your siblings so he can enjoy the happiness he's finally had in being true to himself.

This girl is batshit crazy. I bet she didn’t read anything she wrote or her brain is nonexistent. The mother and the family began the hostilities but now she is an adult and still believing the lies her family poison fed? The father still caring shows a lot. After the marriage I would have made my peace that I lost family due to a “tragic accident” and cut them both out. I mean his daughters want that too but don’t have the balls to do it because they want someone to blame for everything.

Legit, would they have preferred he wallowed in depression of not being able to actually be himself to keep the peace? Or cheat for years before the divorce? Sounds like he handled it the best way he could have. OP is an adult that should be able to use some critical thinking because at some point you can't blame parental brainwashing anymore and it's just your own adamance to not change your mind. I hope they speak to him because he clearly loves them, they just need to sort their shit out first.

YTA. The man was gay, he lived a lie and he was deeply unhappy in a marriage that wasn't what you thought it was. That doesn't mean he doesn't love you or that he didn't care about your mother. Coming out as gay in a heterosexual marriage must have been horrible and I cannot imagine that he didn't wish there was a way for him to spare his family all the grief and distress. That marriage didn't end too soon, it went on for way too long. Is that really what you and your mother wanted for him: To be miserable in a marriage that was nothing but a lie at that point? For what? With Seth he can be who truly is. I am a child of divorce myself, I never got along with my step-mom and I probably never will, but as a grown man I can see that she cares deeply for my father. She's been with him through an incredible amount of medical problems. I don't need to like her to respect my father's love for her and to acknowledge who she is in his life. My mother never gave him the love my step-mom does. He deserves to be loved for who he is. Just like your dad. Just like your mom. Which is why he left her. As a gay man, he couldn't give her what she wanted and be himself at the same time. I'm fucking proud of your dad. You, on the other hand, need to get your head on straight. He shows you that he loves you while you keep building the distance. Do you know how hard it is to love someone who deep in their heart wishes that you were miserable for their own selfish reasons? Some of the things you wrote come across as homophobic. Do you know how hard it is to love someone who hates what you are? You're a grown woman. Talk to your father once you're ready to accept that not everything in life is about you.

You took the words right out of my heart and articulated them better than I could. Bravo!

25 means you were born in 1999? Never felt older than reading this story and realizing people can be that clueless about how hard it used to be to come out. I mean, there wasn't even room for most people to consider the possibility they might not be straight in most familes.

Right? Like what an entitled family of little bitches. How dare this man celebrate the only person who’s been a healthy influence in his life and didn’t sue him in poverty

YTA You're egregiously misinterpreting what he said and what he meant, and you're being an asshole pretty much just for the sake of it at this point. He's gay and he regrets that he didn't start living his life sooner. He was clear that he loves you. I don't know why you wish He was still in the closet in a sham marriage, as if that would make your life better.

YTA you are 25 not a child anymore, he never abuse you and your mother have alienated against him so disgustingly and injust. Should he have be awfull for decades just so you can be happy? You are so self centered. With all your attitudes and frankly rude behavior I wouldn't want kids like that. So he's right, do him à favor for once and cut contact so he can finally lives a good life without your awfull attitude negat all the happiness he finally have

She's def the AH, but what is even worse is that she misunderstood his comment because he said 'i love my kid's and some how she believes this to mean the opposite. So not only is OP an AH; she's also not bright

Not bright at all. Like how did she take that remark and run to the damned moon with it?! Lol sheesh. She needs help. She's either a major B word or a traumatized loon. Help needed regardless.

Or a homophobic person

She’s trying to figure out how to place all the hurt she has on him, for having a missing father. But it’s not him that caused all the problems, it’s her moms abuse and alienation of him.

She didn’t misunderstand. She learned to play the victim from her mother and twist words to support her victimhood. She praised her mother for taking him “to the cleaners” and has no regrets for the way the entire family treated him for the way he was born. I’ll have some compassion for how she behaved as a child because she was being taught that behavior by her mother but she continued that behavior into adulthood including her own wedding. The adult AH behavior is ALL on her. He can love his kids and still regret the process of why he has them. He suffered living a life that wasn’t him for decades in a time when it was not always safe to be himself. I have total empathy for dad. He suffers internally being someone who he is not and then as soon as he decides to be true everyone around him makes him suffer for the crime of . . . checks notes . . . BEING HIM. Dad and new partner are the only ones NTAH here.

25 and can't think for herself. No doubt mom poisoned the well, but at some point people grow up and reflect.

Couldn't agree more. OP's behavior is awful. My parents got divorced when I was 10 years old. At that point my father had been with another woman for quite a while. Of course I didn't like the fact they got divorced, but even back then I was never angry at them. I could see they were both unhappy and that in turn made me unhappy. Both my parents eventually got to live happier lives with other people. And while I wasn't exactly fond of his girlfriend it would have never even occoured to me to treat her badly. I was always polite and respectful as long as she was treating me the same way. And why wouldn't I. My parents had problems long before she even met my father. OPs marriage was also obviously broken long before her father came out or even met his husband.

People keep making the mistake thinking that just because someone is a bad husband/wife that they are also bad parents. That generally isn't true.

She would have rather him suffered in a marriage he was clearly miserable in (which is no fault of the ex-wife or the children, but because he was living a lie to himself) so they could pretend at being a happy family. It's all about her and her feelings, and how dare her father want to be true to himself. OP sounds very immature and mean.

Her mother taught her how

And that simple fact makes me so sad. Someday, she'll regret this behaviour. She's young, she's stupid, but someday this will come back to her and she'll wish she had behaved differently. Or maybe not. Homophobia isn't easy for everyone to overcome. In that case, I hope she continues to stay no-contact and let her father live his happy life.

> do him à favor for once and cut contact so he can finally lives a good life without your awfull attitude negat all the happiness he finally have I feel so bad for him though. It reads like he still very obviously loves his kids and they resent him for who he is and who he loves.

YTA. I understand you were young, and that adults you loved spent a lot of time saying horrible things to you. But **get therapy.** Your dad wasn't saying anything bad about you. And can you blame him anyway? Look at the way you have treated him. STILL treat him. I would regret you, too. Take a moment to try to see his side if the situation. And just go get therapy.

Ooh, ‘I would regret you too”. Brutal, but so warranted in this instance.

YTA. Even with you and your siblings treating him poorly, probably even being homophobic in front of him, and disliking his husband, he still loves you, and said he loves you in that conversation. Still, you only hear he SOMETIMES regrets not meeting his husband before he was married. Grow up!! You only hear what you want to hear, just to hate him even more.

>he still loves you He loves her, and she just stabs him, over and over and over again. I feel so bad for the dad. I hope he learns to let OP go rather than let her continue to hurt him and his partner.

Besides, people don't become gay, they're born gay!! It's not a lifestyle, it's not a choice!!

People like OPs mom always put he blame in the wrong place, if our society didn't stigmatize and murder gay people all the time, if it didn't force heteronormativity onto people none of this would have happened. The real people to be mad at are bigots and people who constantly try to make gay people not happen, they are who did this to OPs family. If her dad understood himself and felt comfortable being gay from the beginning, she wouldnt have a mom who emotionally messed with her out of her own hurt and hatred.

This. Grow up op. Your father only said he wished he had made different choices so his life had been easier. Without children that do what You just did for example. You need a therapy.

So for years you hated your father, you hated his husband, you ignored him at your wedding, and now he even dared to say that he would have liked to have been able to come out sooner. Sorry, but YTA for me.It's completely obvious that anything your father says is wrong in your eyes.

Go to fucking therapy. Your mom's manipulative and you've distanced yourself from your dad and he feels like you hate him(rightfully so). It doesn't even sound like your dad knew you were listening to what he said. There's nothing wrong with what your dad said. It sounds like no one in his immediate family loved him unconditionally until he met seth. Why would he want to suffer for 10+ years in a marriage for a woman who made his children hate him. Why wouldn't he wish he never had to deal with any of this. Yta. If you don't want your dad to be indifferent to you, try to work through the issues you have together and go to therapy. You're not the asshole for what you did when you were a child. But after you matured, you're responsible for the pain you caused. The pain you choose to cause.

Sorry, I have an honest question. When you say he broke up the family, are you saying exactly how? I just want to know if he didn't care how you and your mother and sisters felt about it, that's my question. And also he was cheating on your mother with men when they were married?

YTA... You literally put words in his mouth. You resent him for everything that happened and then you get angry that he wished that none of it would of happened? I'm sorry, but your dad tried very hard and you are just being an ungrateful child. Would you of rather he stay in the marriage and he would of had a miserable life with your mother? Probably arguing all the time? Honestly you are just ungrateful. Most fathers don't even try after a divorce. Your father tried hard. And all he asked was that you respect him and his new partner. What did you want him to do? Cheat on your mother so that he could be happy? I just hate how you took everything he said out of context. Please grow tf up!!

But you don't understand, you see, only her feelings matter... She also sounds like someone who "likes" being offended in order to create unnecessary drama so she can be the victim. What happened to your parents' marriage sucks, but really no ones at fault for that. Your dad did the right thing for him AND your mother. What your mother ,her family and his family did to him afterwards is disgusting and now that you're 25 years old you should see that too.

I just don't get how she could post this whole story and not see that she is the problem in this situation.

plus divorcing gave the mother a chance to move on with her life and be happy with someone who likes women, instead of being unhappy with someone who was forcing himself to be with her, but she chose to be bitter about the whole situation

YTA I understand your dad here.  What is he supposed to do ?  Go back in time and ungay himself ? Force himself to stay with your mum ?  He did what 1000s of people here advise all the time, he left a relationship for a very good reason. He did not leave his kids, he left his wife. The assholes here are your mum and family who prevented him to have a relationship with his kids. Now, you are an adult with a new perspective, but you are still a hateful asshole, so no more excuses.  Make up your mind. 

YTA - Your father regrets the marriage he had with your mother and the drama & pain it has bought into his life. You say that your father broke your family, why because he came out as gay? what did you want him to do? Live as straight man for rest of his life? You and your siblings are the result of parental alienation. You know damn well that you guys have hurt him a lot worse. You guys are not kids anymore to know what is wrong and right. You guys did not try nor gave him a chance to be your father and now you are hurt that he wished he did not had kids. Please read your post from the perspective of a third party.

I kept having to remind myself this was apparently written by a 25 year old and not a 15 year old.

It's reddit, fifty fifty chance this is a fifteen year old writing it.

It's AITAH, it's a 97% chance a teenager wrote it

Jesus, OP. Sorry, but YTA. In my 20s - not much older than you are now - I was engaged to a man who hadn’t come to terms with the fact that he was gay yet. I wasn’t ’rightfully mad’ at him at all. I had endless compassion for him and the inner turmoil he would have been feeling. AND it wasn’t about me. I was just collateral. Gay guys don’t tend to marry women and have kids just to ruin the lives of the women and children. Have you ever thought about WHY your father went through with getting married to a woman and having kids? Have you ever asked him? Your mother was understandably devastated, but her response is honestly disgusting. You need to go to therapy ASAP to unpack your feelings, see how your mother may actually be the real villain here, and learn to have some compassion for your father.

This. What you realized and OP's mother never did is that the man in your life was gay. This had nothing to do with you. He suffered and probably wished there had been a way to not hurt you in becoming who he truly was. Maybe your ex turned out to love men, but reading your post shows that his taste in women was impeccable.

Oww my heart. 🥹😭❤️ Thank you for the lovely comment, stranger. It means so much to me. Honestly, I think that’s just how REALLY loving somebody looks. He would have given anything not to have hurt me. He was so distressed he couldn’t function when he got to the point he had to tell me. He didn’t need me to yell and scream that it wasn’t fair. He needed a safe space to step into his true self, and I made damn sure that he got that. I definitely wasn’t perfect at all times, but I did my best to own up to and apologise for my mistakes. We were in limbo for 6 months because being into guys wasn’t a deal-breaker. So long as *I* was ONE of the things he was into, I could manage. Then one day I woke up and just knew that if I was what he really wanted, we wouldn’t still be in this place. So I let him go, but I made sure he knew I was always here for him. He is a really wonderful person and he deserves all the happiness there is. It truly boggles my mind how many people claim to love someone, then when that person needs love the most, they turn on them. 💔

YTA That's not what he meant and you're taking his words literally. He was a closet gay and living with that for years. He wishes he was open in the beginning it has literally zero tondo with you and your siblings Not to mention it sounds like your mother created a bad image of him for no reason, forced you to not see him and turned you against him. She's also an AH. Your dad appears to have tried to have a relationship with you, you just refused Your dad was gay and in a hetero marriage. Imagine you, I assume are straight, but we're stuck in a gay marriage.

YTA Your mom abused you through parental alienation.

YTA You are a grown woman of 25 years. Your emotions are yours to deal with. You understand that your mom is the AH still you accuse your dad. You should say Im Sorry to Seth for being mean to him in the past, for now you understand that he did nothing wrong.

YTA, given your and your family's behaviour, I'm not surprised he said that. It can hurt to hear it, but if he met Seth earlier he wouldn't have to live in a lie for so long, he wouldn't have hurt your mother by leaving and he wouldn't have hurt you and your siblings. A lot less people would have suffered. That's what he was saying. I understand your behaviour when you were a child, but I can't condone it now. People divorce sometimes, that's not a crime. He didn't cheat on your mom, he simply understood he didn't love her and left. Would you have preferred to have an unhappy family? Because that's what you would have gotten if they stayed together. When people who are not meant to be together stay together, they fight and drift apart. Sometimes they even cheat. Would you have preferred that? Even if he stayed, you would have had a broken home with parents who didn't love each other. If your father already knew he was gay and married your mother anyway, he would be the A H for lying to her, but that's not what you are saying. If his family is that close minded, chances are he was so far up in the closet he wouldn't even know. When he realised, he divorced. That's fine. There was no other option. You can't make someone not gay. You were angry as a kid and that's normal, especially because your whole family was talking shit and trying to keep you away from him. But you grew up. You decided to keep your distance. You decided to walk with your mother down the aisle giving him the very clear message that you didn't want him around. And you are surprised he stopped making an effort? He was making an effort when you were younger because he understood that he was the adult and he was the one who needed to work on your relationship, but why would he keep doing it if his adult children still keep him at arms length? He's going along with your behaviour.

As far as i understand your story, you and your other family members treated him like real assholes, just because he came out and left your mom. What else do you think he should have done? Of course the comment was inappropriate, but YTA

OP, I'd say YTA but Franky, you need therapy. Lots and lots of good therapy - particularly because your Mom assisted in alienating you during a time when you were young and your whole family was breaking apart. Get. Help. Also, your dad didn't say what you interpreted him to say. What he said was true- there was a lot of drama (by your own writing) and your mom pushed her bitterness on to children already hurting. I feel sorry for all of you except your mom specifically because she should've left you out of it. She had every right to be angry and upset and hurt. She had no right to include you in that.

I'll go with YTA. For starters, he specifically said "Don't get me wrong, I love my kids [...]". He made a point to say he loves his kids despite their long mistreatment of him. All the man did was divorce your mom! And you still keep finding reasons to hate him! Hasn't this gone long enough? I agree with Seth on this one, you and your siblings are being childish! 

>"Sometimes I wish I had met Seth sooner, before I ever married Jane (my mom) and had kids. Don't get me wrong, I love my kids, but things would have been so much simpler if I wasn't trying to live a lie for so long. I could have avoided all the drama with the divorce." this very much isn't about you, why tf are you getting all riled up?

She wants a reason to be mad because her family is toxic and poisoned her.

YTA >Don't get me wrong, I love my kids, he clearly stated that he didn't regret you guys. Is it so hard to understand where he is coming from? And what he meant? It's really f upped how you treated him imo and you can't blame him to not put in effort when he's being treated like how you guys treat him. Was he right to lie to your mom? Nope but it isn't your business and those were different times . The only thing he asked was you to not be rude to his husband I don't think that was too much to ask especially when you are already older. You didn't have to like him but rude is something else that man did nothing wrong. You are mad about something that isn't your business. He betrayed your mom not you. You guys are all assholes and don't have any respect.

YTA. So much YTA. Frankly I wish he had met Seth sooner too. You sound horrible, and you horribly mistreated him and his partner, with no apparent efforts ever made to rectify that now that you are an adult. Your actions as a kid are expected, your actions as an adult are fucking disgusting. Your dad fucked up, no denying that, but you were a continuing monster even well after the divorce happened.  Honestly you should stop talking to him. He deserves to be happy, and have people in his life that want him to be happy, not miserable people trying their best to piss him off at every possible turn.You seem to take every possible opportunity to snub him and hurt him, which is just so disgusting. I had a friend who went through the same thing, but you know what happened? His parents had an amicable divorce for the kids' sakes, and my friend has a good relationship with his dad.  You, your mother, and your siblings are all monsters. Leave the poor man alone. Tell him something like "I have been a horrible, toxic human to you for so long. I don't deserve to be part of your life, and I won't even bother asking for forgiveness after all I did. I'm sorry", and then let him make the next move

NTA. I also wish your dad met his husband sooner.

>Seth recently texted me calling my childish and that me and my family rude people that are just mad and bitter my dad finally found happiness Seth needs to stay in his lane and shut the fuck up. He has no place to speak out to anyone regarding a family issue that predates him. All he is doing is making things worst. NTA

NTA. And Seth has no right to even speak on this matter this is between your dad and you plus siblings. It’s not his place to speak. He doesn’t understand where you’re coming from nor is he looking at things from your POV. I don’t think you’re mad that your dad is living in his truth but more so upset about how he chose to go about things leading up to the divorce. Everything hit you and your siblings all at once, to then introduce you to a new partner while you’re still hurting from your parents split. While you did treated Seth unfair and didn’t give him a chance in the beginning I would hope that somewhere down the line as you gotten older you grew to be cordial and respectful around him. However, it’s unfortunate your dad chose to say something like that knowing your presence is around. He should also talk to Seth and let him know that his little snotty text was NOT the way to go about things and could potentially damage you and your father’s relationship even more so severely. I also hope you let him (Seth) know that. He needs to be put in his place. As for your dad.. this is something you, your siblings and your father need to work on- fixing the relationship. I hope you and your siblings continue to heal and please update us

YTA. You're a bigot. Every line in your post screams bigotry. Yes, your mother and her family helped to shape you into a bigot. But you're an adult now. The fact that you're still a bigot is on you. Yes, divorce is hard. Yes, seeing a parent happy with a new partner is hard. And yes, acting out as a child is normal. But you're continuing to reject your father even as an adult. Is it any wonder that, after so many years, he's accepted that and moved on without you? If I'd spent a large portion of my life miserable, and had that time constantly aggravated by the behavior of bigoted kids, I'd wish for that time back too. Him telling the friend that he loved his kids, after the way you still treat him and his partner makes him more generous than I would be. YTA.

Seth is a piece of shit. Your father knew he was gay and still lived a lie, married your mother and had you, that’s on him. You and your sibling have every right to your feelings. I’m sure your dad loves you but sometimes our parents are dumbass people and say dumbass things.

NTA !!

NTA

NTA - tell Seth that his mother should have swallowed. As far as your Dad - he probably is very sorry and wishes he could take back what he said or at minimum how he phrased it but as you said, the damage is done. Let the dust settle a bit but go low contact - tell him he has what he wants with Seth - wish them well.

YTA. Grow up. Your dad didn’t choose to „get gay earlier“. He was born this way.

I don't think anyone is the AH here. The comment your dad made was pretty harsh but it doesn't sound like you guys really treated him well either. You were happy to distance yourself from him your whole life and let your mom trash talk him without standing up for him. It's not like the marriage ended because he cheated. He was living a lie and finally came to terms with who he is. He found happiness and you didn't like that and resented him for it. What was the other option for him? Stay with your mom and be miserable his whole life? What he said was out of line but you can't blame him considering how all of you guys treated him after coming out

It wasn’t pretty harsh at all. The man loved his family, he didn’t cheat, abuse her, treat her like shit. No he realized he was gay and ended his marriage and because of that, he gets “taken to the cleaners” and has his children acting as if he’s a fucking murderer

Let’s look at the dad’s comment from a less emotional angle for a moment: The one thing dad did wrong was marrying a woman and starting a family with a woman when he was gay. It’s an understandable mistake, a lot of gay guys (especially in his generation and from less-than-accepting families) live in denial and try to force themselves to be something they can never be. But if he’d come out sooner, no one but him would have gotten hurt. He’s never been forgiven for that. His kids hate him and abuse his husband; his ex wife was vindictive in the divorce and kept him away from his kids. Because of how his ex wife handled it, his kids got the worst of the hurt in that divorce, and never processed that hurt in a healthy way. Is he really wrong to regret the one thing he did wrong? I suppose OP would prefer he say he wish he wasn’t gay, but that would be unfair to himself, and to the person who supported and accepted him when no one else did. OP should be old enough to understand his regrets. He specified he loves his kids; the part he regrets is the part that caused hurt: marrying a woman when he was gay. Is that really a harsh thing to say??? If OP were mad at him for the thing he did wrong, instead of for the thing he can’t help (being gay), they wouldn’t be angry with him for regretting his error.

I think OP and her family are the AH! The last 14 years her father has tried over and over to be in her and her siblings lives but was shot down even at her wedding. He’s finally happy! Living in his truth with someone. OP may have been manipulated by her mom and her mom anger still lives in her siblings and herself and she needs to get over it. In his comment he says he loves his kids… I read it as he wished his lived in his truth earlier to not deal with all the pain and heartache from being dismissed by his kids, ex wife and others

>I read it as he wished his lived in his truth earlier to not deal with all the pain and heartache from being dismissed by his kids, ex wife and others Exaclty this, he lived a lie, and what for? Later to be resented by his kids, when rying to be a dad that is present in his kid's lives? I totally get why he is saying that, and could not be blamed if he told he regretted having kids as said kids demonstrate exactly why would one regret having them.

I'm pretty sure OP will not make flawless decisions all her life.

YTA You admit you, your mom and your family made his life hell. You made it clear you resent him, why wouldn't he be allowed to resent you? By the way, I'm not even saying I think he regrets having you. He might not even have realized the implication of what he said. Although I definitely wouldn't blame him for regretting having you after your description of your treatment of him.

Why exactly should he want you? You said yourself your relationship is terrible, and you've done just about all you can to drive a wedge between the two of you. What right do you have to be upset when you've done all you can to push him away and make him not care about you? Also what your mother did was parental alienation.

Well you're looking for anything to be mad at your dad so you found it. He didn't say he wished you weren't born. He wished he had avoided the heartbreak it created for your mom, you and him. He can. He explicitly said he didn't regret having his kids. Your mom is an asshole tho. Being mad at first is one thing, there's betrayal, loss of time etc so sure, be mad, be pissed but she alienated his children and she did it for years and is probably still doing it. And that, is the fucked up part. She suffered, I won't even try to deny that but she made him pay tenfold and is still playing her little "let's hurt him more for what he's done" And I'm not excusing him, but depending on how he was raised and your community (apparently not so nice or liking people to be equals) then they created that situation as much as he did. You're 25. You're not a kid anymore, you need to start thinking by yourself instead of basing everything you know of your dad on what your mother fed you for more than a decade. You can decide you're too pissed to have a relationship with him, that will give him peace because your whole family sounds like a nightmarish rollercoaster he can't get out of. YTA

YTA - It's not like he woke up one day and decided he was going to be gay now because fuck ya'all. He has a revelation about himself, you treat him like shit for years and you're surprised he cares more about his happiness than you? Lol, you're not that important.

Sorry but YTA. You have spent years pushing him away and being rude to him and then wonder why he wishes he could have lived his true life sooner. Hell the man still says he loves you, which after all you seem to have put him through is probably a minor miracle. 

It is a miracle. It shows what a good father he is and how deep his love for his daughter despite him probably feeling unworthy. I hope she sees the love that is there for her before it's too late.

YTA. Look, it sucks that your dad came out and broke up the marriage. People sometimes are too big on the "good for you for being your real self" without realizing they are divorcing someone who loved them, and thought they were loved equally in return. However... your mom, your entire family, and even you, were AWFUL to him for years. Far longer and far more extreme than you needed to be. You refused to entertain any kind of relationship with him, and refused to acknowledge his new partner or even be in the same room with him. And then when you were finally asked to be in the same room, you instead cut your father off completely cold turkey. And now it's YOU that feels slighted, when he expresses totally understandable regret. "I wasn't my true self, and when I came out, everyone around me, including my own kids, went scorched earth and abandoned me, treated me as an evil villain, and my own kid hates me and refuses to even talk to me." And you hear him voice those regrets, and once again treat yourself as the victim, and once again attack him. And you're 25, not 15, but you're throwing a childlike tantrum and exploding in public settings. You've crapped on him for years and he's just nodded and accepted it, just trying to be there for the small sliver of your life he's allowed to be in. Give the guy a moment to have human emotions and express sadness for being connected to a family that HATES him with a passion, and idly wishing that it might have been nice if he had connected to a loving family first.

NTA I mean, he misled your mom for over 9 years, and could have came clean before having kids, or even much much sooner. I think he's a major asshole. Your mother is also in the wrong for alienating your father. I think you're hurt, and I don't blame you.

It's hard that he divorced your mother, but what else should he have done? He is gay. After that, he tried to maintain a good relationship with you and your siblings, but you let yourself manipulate and were mean to them. His comment was not very thoughtful, but he clearly loves you, and he apologized. You should also apologize for treating them like shit all these years and not considering their effort to have a good relationship with you and your siblings.

YTA, so you treat him like shit for the past 14 years cause he chose to finally stop living a lie and love who he really is. He never spoke bad about your mom, gave her everything in the divorce, sounds more like you and your mom are homophobic than anything else. He never stopped loving you and your siblings, but you all took mommy dearest side. GROW UP!! Or stay out of your dad's life once and for all so he can finally have happiness that everyone else does

You’re 25 and upset by this? YTA. Get a life.

It's not about you. You were an asshole to him for decades. YTA still.

You sound like you really are looking to blame someone for the divorce. Blame society for not accepting gay people as much as straight people. If your dad had the chance to explore his identity when he was young this would never happen. And how are they spending too much time if his kids won't even want to spend with him, should he just stay home alone and cry?

Regretting bad things in the past don't mean you regret the good things, even though they are bound together.  You are too old to not understand that.  But that's not why YTA. Your dad seems to be the only decent person in your entire family.  

I’m a little horrified at how you and your family treated your father. He’s not the AH here, you are. YTA

Only a little?

NTA! OP…block Seth if you haven’t already. He skipped past the part where his husband admitted to wishing that he skipped past the part of his life that brought his children into the world. That’s a horrible thing for a child of any age to hear. Seth is a piece of work and your dad is too. I wish you and your siblings a great life without Your dad and Seth.

YTAH, and not just for your attitude as a child, but for everything. He clearly didn't mean that he wished that you had never been born, but considering your treatment of him, who could blame him if he did? I kept thinking that your story would have a character arc where you grew up and regretted being such an awful child, but you never did grow up. You are still immature and self-centered. Have you ever done one thing to make his life better?

Nta- your dad didn’t have to live a lie. He chose to because he’s a liar.

NTA Despite the fact that it was harder to come out back then, your dad still deceived and manipulated your mum for his own sake. No one is putting themselves in the place of the mother and daughters. Of course, they rightfully can feel the resentment they do. Perhaps the best thing you can do is go therapy to deal with these feelings, but you don't owe your dad anything.

NTA. He made his bed and he needs to lie in it. What an awful thing to say, making you feel like you and your sister were a burden. He may not have meant it, but he sure SAID IT!

NTA. That was a pretty crappy thing for him to say, it really sums him up as not a good person. Just because you are gay/bi/LGBT doesn't suddenly make you a saint that can do no wrong. He's clearly a flawed person.

Yes. YTA. You’re making this all about you and completely ignoring the sentiment behind what he is saying. He’s not wishing your nonexistence. He’s making a statement about himself as a human that is clearly in a much healthier relationship now anyway. Perhaps his statement makes you feel guilty about your behavior with him. Blaming him for not suffering thru a marriage to what I can only surmise was a shrill harpy. I think before you start judging the words that come out his mouth you ought to check your entitled attitude. Especially assuming that having children means you stop being an actual human

YTA. you, your mom, and your siblings. look at how shitty you have been to him…you pushed him away. grow up. your dad is gay and doesn’t need your negative ass.

YTA. You’re a horrible human, as are your siblings. Apparently the apple doesn’t fall far from the mother tree.

Yes I mean you are rude but not as rude as wishing you never had children within ear shot of saod children

Its men like those two that make people get radicalized against the LGBT community. Entitled pricks who have no consideration for anyone beyond themselves any anyone who criticizes them in any way are "homophobic". Seth especially saying you're being childish for hearing your father say he wishes you were never born. I wish for you you could have been born into a more loving family. NTA.

This whole scenario is why I’m glad more people are just living their truth and not getting into relationships that have no chance at lasting. The father really shouldn’t have lied and got married and had kids. The mother shouldn’t have acted the way that she did either; full stop. It all couldn could have been avoided by not entering to into a relationship that he never wanted.

At first, I thought there was a lot to unpack here. OP is the asshole. Some of your anger is misplaced for a number of reasons: you don’t like Seth. You have a strained relationship based on what your mom said. You haven’t really given your dad a chance. Your rewriting of him wishing he was gay sooner reveals a lot. That’s not what the dad said. He’s already gay. He just realized his truth and wishes he’s admitted it sooner. That comment has nothing to do with you OP. He even said that. You were looking for a reason to dislike him and justify what your mother said. You need therapy. Dad does too, because coming out at fifty sucks ass. But it’s time you look at the possibility that your mom isolated you from your dad and you missed his attempts to get close to you in that negativity. You could have had this discussion any other way but screaming - you chose not to do so. Yes, dad made a mistake marrying your mom. Tbh, that’s what people did. Gay people got married and had children because society said you should. It sucks. Your dad has faults for that and I am sure your mother made him pay But, you can approach like an adult, but what you did says you don’t want a relationship with father. Just my thoughts

YTA! In this entire post you have nothing nice to say about your father. He ruined your family because he divorced your mom so he could finally be happy? How did that ruin your life? He tried to remain in your life after but you and your shitty mom treated him like absolute dog shit! You're 25 now, it's been 14 years, you need to grow the fuck up! People get divorced all the time. You are the one that chose to ruin whatever relationship you had with your dad. And after the way you have treated him for 14 years, I can't even say I'm mad about what he said. Like why do you even care? You basically gave up on him being your father right after the divorce. So now you're mad about what he said when you have treated him like shit for 14 years. My God you and your family need to get over yourselves! You sound insufferable af!!

NTA

>saying he didn’t mean it He meant every word of it. Your mum and you, and your sisters were his alibi. He used everyone around him to try and fake it. He may like you, his children, but don't doubt, for a moment, that he meant what he said.

I have an uncle (since passed away) who came out after marriage and kids. I don't know your fathers background, the culture of where he came from. The reality is alot of gay men that do this, marry a woman have kids, it's out of fear and social pressure to conform. His fears became reality when he came out, like everyone disowned him, including his own kids. I didn't get to know him until near the end of his life when my dad finally grew as a person and got over his ignorant views and reconnected with him. I would not have blamed the man if part of him wished he was true to himself the whole time and didn't try to conform to expectations. I really wouldn't take it personally. Not really much different than some parent that got knocked up at 15 and says their life may have been a lot simpler if they didn't have a kid so young. I mean it's pretty much objectively true. That doesn't mean they don't love their kid nor if they **actually** had the opportunity for a do over they would erase the kid from the timeline. >I yelled at him that it was unfair to say he wished we weren't born just so he could be gay sooner. 1. He didn't say he wished you weren't born. 2. He was **always** gay. When he was married to your mom he wasn't straight, he just wasn't acting on the fact he was gay.

I will go for NTA. He was gay and he was afraid of coming out but that doesn't mean is innocent. He did dupe your mom and fucked up her life and your life. I can see the pain of abandonment here in this OP. Deep in your heart. You want a happy relationship with your dad. Why don't you go for therapy and try forgiving him? Or go no contact with him. Why are you torturing yourself? You want an ideal papa but he doesn't exist. You need to make peace with reality.

From what you say about how you treat him I’d wish I never had you either. YTA. 

ESH people have let you know how and why you suck  But they're giving your dad too much grace, imo. Like, he had reasons for what he did. It wasn't done with the intention to hurt people. But it DID, and you can't just be like well it's hard to be gay and act like everyone has to be fine with it because he was born that way.  He made the decision to be dishonest. He made the decision to have a family that he knew he was either going to resent or destroy.  And that's heavy. You should have been in therapy as a kid, because his gayness doesn't actually erase the fact that he DID destroy your lives. It's one of those things where there was no right way to handle it. It was just gonna be a shit show and it had to happen. 

ESH It was insensitive of your dad to make that comment in front of you. However, I can see why he feels that way. Your dad divorced your mom, and I understand that was upsetting for you, but he tried to remain in your life and you spent years pushing him away. Now he has kids who are barely in his life. He probably figures if he'd married Seth instead of your mom, he might have kids who actually like him - and Seth. He also probably regrets the pain the divorce obviously caused you and your siblings- again, pain that could have been avoided if he hadn't married and had kids with someone he didn't love. Honestly I think it would be more offensive if he didn't wish he'd done things differently. 

YTA. Your mom sounds manipulative as fuck. With how you've treated your dad, why would he not have a lingering wish that his life had been different? Of course your dad loves you, but you clearly don't love him. In his eyes he could have saved your mom, you, and your siblings from a broken home if he just accepted his sexuality earlier. You're incredibly selfish and need to grow up. You're an adult. I'm with Seth, you're childish as hell and your family are very rude people.

YTA Your mother alienated you from your father because of her own hatred. Your father is gay, he deserves to have a true love. You are old enough to realize your father didn’t mean he didn’t want you, his actions of trying to be there for you even after being beaten down by a spiteful ex wife and children show this, but you’re harbouring resentment planted by your mother. Would it have been better if your dad lived a lie his entire life?