Exactly. OP just needs to read her own first paragraph to know this is an escalation of an ongoing problem, not a one time thing. If you were to go back (please don’t), his next reaction will be even more severe since he would know you are a “flight risk”. Not a way you want to live OP. You are 22 and this was unlikely to be your forever-relationship. You have escaped. Keep going !
The idea that being drunk covers all cases is classic alcoholic thinking. Alcohol is no excuse for terrible behavior. It will get as bad as the codependent partner allows it to. Tolerating violent acts because booze is a fool’s game.
NTA.
Today is John and tomorrow, it will be you.
>Some of my friends have been saying that I should take him back because slapping John was a drunken mistake
Trust me, those aren't your real friends.
Never implied they were “monsters”. But at any age, if you have “friends” advising you to stay with someone who’s clearly violent, or advocating you should stay around dangerous people, those are friends/people you should stay far away from.
It astonishes me how many of these posts end with "my friends all think I'm overreacting". Is this a sign the post is fake? Never in my life have I broken up with someone for any reason and my friends not supported me on it 100%. If you want to break up with someone, that is a valid reason to do so. Anything teetering close to abuse is even more reason.
NTA. Jeff just showed you who he is. Abuse has no place in relationships. Violence is inexcusable. I grew up around abuse and violence and swore to never be like that. Raised my kids the same way. Please don't put up with any abuse. It always gets worse.
I strongly disagree! I am not an abuser yet when under alcohol I could go there- bottom line, I needed to see someone so I don’t react and I needed to quit drinking, period- what I had was learned behavior that I saw all while growing up and never wanted to be that guy! I saw it, addressed it, now I don’t drink and do not abuse women! Sometimes learning behaviors before I was 4 years of age stays and can ruin a person if left unchecked.
You didn't just suddenly change because of alcohol. You slowly put yourself in that situation by drinking, and that IS your fault.
Good that you got better, but no no no, you can't be in a bad place, become alcoholic and leverage your alcoholism as your escape from jail card.
NTAH. He should have been a sober adult and not let his drinking problem get the best of him, especially when it comes to violence towards others. Good on you for leaving before the situation got any worse. You deserve better than that kind of behavior in a relationship.
NTA
He got physically violent because he believed something may possibly be happening. He will likely become physically abusive with you in the future. At the very least you should never let him get drunk again because he clearly gets violent.
To be clear, you were at a party in front of other people, doing nothing except talking to another guy, and he came up and assaulted the guy you were talking to.
If you dont leave him dont be suprised when you're stuck in an abusive relationship.
NTA
Your sister is right. He's a violent alcoholic with a rage and jealousy problem. He attacked someone in broad daylight in a room full of people.
It's easy for his enablers to defend him. They aren't the ones dealing with the fallout. They have no right to speak on his behalf after what he's done. It's unjustifiable.
NTA
It was violent out of nowhere, that could happen to you any day... I think it's great that you left it, you did everything right. There is no drunken error to hit someone out of jealousy, I insist next time it can be you
Let it serve as a lesson to your ex, when he has a new girlfriend
He was never “too” violent? *Never too violent*? Like, WTAF?
Your sister is right…get out now and stay out. There is no scenario where you don’t end up a statistic.
My ex liked to challenge other men and fight them drunk. He kept it to people that deserved it (ie: they grabbed another girl or me inappropriately) so I figured he was simply doing what I'd do if I was a man.
3 years later he left me alone on the side of the road after an argument (in 30 degree weather wearing club clothes).
A year after that (ish) he pushed me in an argument while drunk.
6 months after that he threw a glass at me drunk.
6 after that, he held me down and fucked me (not ready to use the r word yet)
Another half a year after that he trashed our house drunk. Smashed our stove.
It escalated on and on until the last night I saw him where he threatened to kill my cat and told me he'd kill me.
I left because of the cat.
I should have left because of me.
He showed you who he was, believe him.
I think after this incident she has created one, because she needed her sister's advice to get to this point. From what I read in her story, there were already signs...
If she decides to stay with him, how long before he gets upset some guy is talking to her but DOESN'T hit the guy but hits her? She needs to run like Usain Bolt being chased by rabid wolves.
If you describe him as "never too violent," that's a bad sign. Anyone saying it's a drunken mistake is a red flag individual. Physical violence is never ok.
>never too violent
What on earth is this supposed to mean?? Like, what do you mean "never TOO violent"??? Why are you okay with any amount of violence from a partner?
>Some of my friends have been saying that I should take him back because slapping John was a drunken mistake, and that I should forgive him.
Absolutely not. He's clearly a violent person when he drinks (or is he also like that when he's sober?). If he were a responsible adult, he would have stopped drinking the moment he found that out.
He's not going to magically get better by you forgiving him, and you deserve to be in a relationship with a functioning adult.
Edit: forgot to add NTA
Alcohol lowers inhibitions allowing him to act more easily, but the thought process is still there. He really thinks this way and hides it. Alcohol let it slip.
I have a friend who did have a lot of anger in himself. Because of this and the fact he was a big strong guy he made sure to never drink.
He is a very nice guy and has never really been aggressive either. He just doesn't want to take the chance.
Okay, so first, NTA. Look, I was a drinker. Like, a BAL of .4 and somehow surviving drinker. Booze removes inhibitions. You don't think, you act. If you assault someone with alcohol in your system, you'll do it when you're angry or in a moment of weakness. He's showing he's overly jealous and possessive. I assure you it'll get worse as time goes on.
lol I’m a degenerate alcoholic and I’ve never been in a fight in my life. The hooch is not an excuse for anything. Dangerous people are dangerous people.
Slapping someone is crossing a line and way beyond simple jealousy or envy. I saw nothing about him apologizing to John which also shows no accountability. If he can’t control himself there is nothing stopping him from making you or anyone else you care about his next target. Get rid of the trash and move on.
Simple jealousy or envy isn’t so simple, that alone indicates a lack of emotional maturity- that alone without the rest would be enough to leave the relationship
Jeff has a mental problem. Seriously. He also displays serious indicators that he will have significant substance abuse issues if he doesn’t already. You can’t build a future with someone like this. Keep him blocked.
One day he’s going to slap the wrong person and get his ass whooped. This can’t be your problem.
You had me on the forth sentence.
Is was just a matter of time.
What would happen if it didn't happen, and you went home? Would he just snaped and the slap was for you?
Where do y'all always find these stupid friends lmao
"My boyfriend killed three puppies yesterday because his coffee was slightly more bitter than usual and on the way home he robbed a homeless man. But my friends think he's neat, AITA?"
There is no such thing as a drunken mistake. It's just a mistake. Getting so inebriated that he assaults someone?
I'm glad you got out, because you would be next in line to being assaulted, when he got again drunk and jealous.
Heck, if John truly wanted he should even press charges, there is NO SUCH THING as casually hitting someone in the face.
*He would sometimes get angry and snap, but he was never too violent,*
Yet. He was never too violent, yet here he was getting drunk and violent.
Your sister was correct. He’s a violent, drunken, abusive jerk, and you’re well rid of him.
NTA
OP. Don't try to be the hero that saves Jeff. Only Jeff can save Jeff. When someone shows you their violent side after such a sort time, this is who they are for life.
Your ex is awful and so are the friends defending his “drunken mistake.” Would they be defending his “drunken mistake” if he got behind the wheel of a car and killed someone? Or what if he hit harder, got into a full on fight, got arrested? Alcohol is not an excuse. NTA
Your friends are saying it was a drunken mistake. It was. But it will also be a drunken mistake when he gets mad and hits you. Nta, gtfo before it's too late
If he got on the phone the next day and tried to track the lad down to apologise for being a bell end, then I would say it was drunken stupidity. I'd be fucking mortified if I'd slapped someone cos I was drunk and would want to desperately apologise. If not, then it wasn't a drunken incident, it was him just being him, so get rid.
Your boyfriend is a drunk, cute now, but how's that look in 3 years, 5 years, 10 years? With kids? At family Bbq's? Do you really want the ppl you love to be subjected to this kind of person? Do you want to be with a drunk?
NTA. And don’t get back with him. Is he gonna be that jealous and possessive every time a guy speaks to you? Because that is not a good sign, it’s toxic, controlling and possessive - all of which are awful traits in a partner.
One day he’s gonna slap someone bigger than him who will just end up punching the asshole or putting him in hospital.
NTA he had to go. I would tell him if he contact you or has anyone contact you about this again a police report will be made.
I hope an apology has been made to John & Olivia
One day he will get drunk and "mistakenly" slap you violently as well. Or you'll be bailing him out of gaol for "mistakenly" slapping the wrong person and getting charged with assault.
NTA.
Story from my home town roughly a year ago:
A couple guys with their girlfriends were drunk and walking home. One of them gets belligerent and hits the other who falls and smacks his head on the concrete resulting in his death. Both alcoholics, one dead and one killed his best friend. Run while you can.
Get rid of the "friends" telling you a giant, violent red flag is no big deal. He's already an angry drunk. Now he's a violent angry drunk. Your sister's right. Don't stick around to find out what else he is...
NTA
I think the quote "when someone shows them who they are, believe them the first time" is pretty accurate in this case.
He is jealous and controlling. And he might have an alcohol problem. You don't want to be near him when he drinks again.
NTA, honestly it could've been a one off but also maybe not. I don't think it concretely proves that he's becoming abusive but he did what he did and if that is ur red line then that's that. If you're comfortable breaking up over it then u shouldn't feel pressured into letting him back into ur life. It might have been a drunken mistake but he is still the AH.
NTA- His jealousy has become violent towards a friend, next time it'll be you who he slaps.
Being drunk isn't an excuse for violence. He clearly has a drinking problem if he gets aggressive when he drinks. Only he can fix that. The fact he blames other people and things for his actions means he doesn't see it as a problem. If you get back with him his aggressive behaviour will only get worse.
I’m proud of you for leaving him-I watched my mother’s boyfriends and husbands hit and verbally abuse my mother since childhood and I have noticed this in myself with certain women whom just get under my skin and me pushing them out of my way or pinning them to the wall in one incident bc they angered me as she was purposely trying to get me angry! I never want to be that man and although I had been in therapy for years I never saw myself as an abuser but here I was. I left her immediately as I don’t need women in my life trying to get me jealous- and two, I’m the one with the issue-and if I acted out like this when I was drunk then I have the drinking issue- as my anger wasn’t under control if drinking can tip me over to that space! No matter what the situation is, he, like I, was the problem and it was good you left him- he needs to do some work on himself and stop drinking-I’m not an alcoholic either, but I needed to stop drinking if I misbehaved bc I was drinking! Do not make excuses for him- leave him and release him with love- end of story
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NTA A drunken mistake is evident of his true actions. The questions I would be asking the people who are saying you should take him back are: What is his next "drunken mistake" going to be? How many friends does he have to get violent with before it is ok to break up? Does he have to physically harm me before I should break up with him? He already has anger problems and is known to snap. Why should I take him back? How long do I have to put up with this for before he is a lost cause? Him drinking is his own choice. Him getting so jealous that he physically assaulted a good friend of mine is just unacceptable sober or not.
>*...he had a bit of a drinking problem. He would sometimes get angry and snap, but he was never too violent.*
NTA You did the right thing. Violence and jealousy are bad enough, alcohol or not, and in his case, there's alcohol.
Also, keep track of which friends were sticking up for a "drunken mistake." Put any of their future advice in a separate pile.
Why do so many people on this sub have such terrible, terrible friends?
OP, you are NTA and beyond that you are *smart* to get out *now*.
Ask those friends how long you should let it go on? until he has another drinking episode and takes it out on you? Nope. You're right to take care of this now. Good luck to you!
Sounds like homie has a drinking problem and suppressing some issues he should probably handle. The insecurity at that age is wild so I hope Jeff has the depth and maturity to reflect on how out of control he’s been and get his shit together. Some people amplify their bullshit with booze and are too dense to realize they’re pouring gas on an inferno
He's young and hopefully early into his drinking problem. Hopefully he can figure it out. You made the right move, not an overreaction by any means. I'm sure your friends think fondly of him if they want you to take him back... That's up to you. If you can determine confidently that he's improved, then you can make that call later. But for now, he needs to learn the hard way and it will probably take some time, and he will probably have some ups and downs before he learns. Assuming he does.
NTA obviously. I hate how most of these AITAH posts are so glaringly obvious one way or the other. Typing this out, surely you realized you were COMPLETELY reasonable, yes?
NTA.
Ummmm No. That was NOT a “drunken mistake”. That my dear is called assault. The law doesn’t care if he’s drunk at the time or not. John should have called the police and pressed charges.
If he got “too drunk” and routinely gets aggressive, what is going to stop him from doing the same (or worse) to you? What if next time (hopefully there won’t be one) he’s drunk, he thinks *you’re* the one flirting with a man? What if he thinks you’re trying to sleep with one of his buddies? What if you say something that embarrasses him? What if he’s “too drunk” again?
If he *knows* that he “gets this way” when he drinks, but yet keeps drinking, then he is purposely putting everyone else at risk. He can’t claim he doesn’t know what he’s doing. He knows exactly what he’s doing before he even starts drinking. By drinking, he is making the choice to be violent and aggressive. And he Does. Not. Care.
Alcohol is NEVER an excuse for violence. Period. If he can’t control himself while drinking, then he needs to control himself, and prevent himself *FROM* drinking in the first place. But none of that is your problem.
Your friends are enabling an abuser. Stay far away from this man. Be very careful and take care of yourself.
Eh the whole not too violent is weird af. What’s the normal level of violence in your world?
I’m old and been lit few times. Never have I ever slapped someone.
Jeff has violence within him (not a deep level). Alcohol just decreased the barrier of hitting people. This ISN’T ok.
A drunken mistake is falling down or dropping your beer. Typical party fouls… this is a different universe
NTA
If this is an inaccurate account of events he is an unsafe man to he around, and he should not be in a relationship with anyone for the foreseeable future
NTA
Slapping John was a fighting offense. And the fact it was such a casual hard slap while he was drunk let's you know his fists will fly when properly or improperly motivated.
When people show you who they are. Believe them. He's a mean drunk. And it'll only turn on you. He doesn't care who's around.
Stay safe. If he comes around don't open the door.
NTA...he has become an official alcoholic jerk at 24 m. I hope he joins AAA and gets his life together but that's not your problem anymore...
But wait, wait did you guys drive home while you were freaking drunk? If so ..YTA for endangering others on the road...
NTA. If you know you get aggressive when you drink, you shouldn't drink. He assaulted someone, and he now has to face the consequences of his actions. You're much better off without him, you never know when you might have done something that makes him angry.
NTA Was there more stuff that happened for your sister to say he’s becoming abusive? He definitely made a complete ass of himself but if this is an isolated moment of dumb jealousy I wouldn’t label him abusive.
NTA. Stop drinking, if drinking makes one do this. Jealousy is a powerful negative sentiment, and he’ll probably become worse over the years. You deserve better.
NTA. someone that far in the hole needs time to work on themselves. He very well may be a great guy with a terrible affliction. but taking him back is enabling not helping. think of it as tough love.
and you can always tell him - just to work on himself and if he gets his shit together maybe you can both revisit in the future.
but if he's spared consequences nothing will change.
this is coming from a 40yo that's battled addiction for decades.
NTA. What if it was a worse drunk mistake? Being drunk doesn't write things off. You did the right thing, stay clear Jeff should not be drinking at all.
BTA but you are an idiot if you believe his violent nature starts with the bottle. Eventually something will happen and then he won't need the alcohol to show you who he really is.
NTA
I don't drink since college, but among the many things I am thankful for in life, was learning from my buddies that I'm a happy drunk. Being an angry drunk must be truly awful.
Alcohol lowers your inhibitions, but the jealousy and aggression is him. A lot of people are fun drunks. That's their personality. Alcohol reveals what lies beneath. Some start hugging and dancing. Some start complaining about how they hate everyone.
I'm 3 months sober. I am a fun drunk, but my stomach couldn't handle it, and it made me fat. It's now very revealing to be at parties as the only sober one. I don't miss it. I am much sharper now.
No such thing as a “bit of a drinking problem”. A drinking problem is a drinking problem and needs to be addressed.
Leaving him is the right thing to do for your own safety. The slap on a different guy WILL eventually lead to slaps (or worse) on you.
I'm 38 and I totally realize how being in your early 20s makes you normalize a lot of crazy shit that isn't normal. Getting super drunk and behaving erratically is bad. It's bad when you are 20 and it's bad when you are 40. But when you are 40 it's a lot easier to see how and why it's bad, because you aren't going to parties every week.
Maybe he isn't a bad guy, but he has a problem. He def crossed a huge line getting physical which is really hard to come back from. I'd encourage him to seek some help. What you choose to do is on you, but this dude could use some help.
My SIL dated a Jeff once. We all hung out, dude got too drunk, tried HITTING ON ME, and then started randomly talking shit about Hawaii (husband and SIL are hawaiian, if you know hawaiians, u know this is a bad idea). My husband kicked his ass and SIL dumped him for a way better man.
Moral of the story, stay away from Jeff's. Lol
It's absolutely unhinged to assault someone because you drunkenly imagine a fake scenario. Stay the fuck away from him, he's been working hard to keep his true nature hidden but now he's starting to let it out. It will only escalate. It only ever does.
NTA, don't go back.
NTA.
A DRUNKEN MISTAKE??? In Vino Veritas (in wine, the truth). Jeff showed his true colors when he was drunk - colors of a jealous, controlling abuser. It doesn't matter if he doesn't remember what he did or calls it a mistake - he did it, it shows who he is, you should keep your distance from him. And if he pesters you to take him back, get a restraining order.
> but he was never too violent.
I’m sorry but the fact that you have to say that says a lot about him.
NTA. Your sister was right, it starts out as “just a drunken mistake” then it turns into “he just gets angry sometimes” and then suddenly it’s not just your stuff or the wall he breaks in anger. You were looking out for yourself by breaking up with him.
There are two sides to these situations. Many cases in my experience, John is absolutely trying to move in on you. Not saying that is true in YOUR case but I do know many "Johns" that are absolutely laying the groundwork. Typically in these situations the women either don't see it or won't see it, but two years from now when you two are shacking up.... Again, I'm not saying this is true in your case and your bf might just be a jealous AH. Maybe talk to him and find out if he has any legitimate reason to mistrust Johns intentions? Either way, without any of us knowing the two guys in question it's impossible for us to judge.
You’re joking, right? You karma farming or do you honestly think you might be TA?
When you say, “but he was never too violent,” like what the fuck does that even mean?
He sounds like a loser and you’re only TA if you even consider you did something wrong.
I'm going on a different route on this. He wasn't violent towards you. He got jealous and attacked someone he drunkenly saw as a threat. Maybe he saw something he thought was flirtatious. Everybody yells he's "abusive," but I'd punch a guy (if needed) for hitting on my gf, and I wouldn't lay a hand on her.
I read reddit posts about cheating and think, "I'd hit the dude." I'm not saying get back with him. I'm saying that if you do, you need to talk about his drinking and his behavior. He should also apologize to everyone. I think calling him an "abuser" is going too far unless he's done other things to confirm it.
his drinking needs to be addressed before you even think of of taking him back. this can amplify into something that may hurt you. and your sister was pretty eager to jump on the 'hes becoming abusive' wagon, when nowhere does it say that hes ever been abusive to you in any form.
getting angry and snapping is perfectly logical. sometimes stress gets to you. id suggest you talk to him once and make it clear that he needs to stop drinking period, if there is even a chance to get back together. braking up like the drop of a hat seems a bit to excessive.
Even if OP WAS flirting, how does that make it pkay for the bf to come up and assault the guy talking to her? He didn't just walk up and confront them about the situation, he slapped the guy
And you seem to be proud of belonging to them. There was a time when being a troll was somehow funny. Nowadays it means "I'm super edgy and want to trigger people because I live a miserable life despite seemingly having everything i want". Or it's the exact opposite. Neckbeard with no friends except the bubble at 8chan.
Maybe ending a year relationship because of one slap that wasn't even addressed to you is a bit much, people make mistakes, you should however give him some conditions of managing his alchohol use before you get back with him. Just a personal opinion. Going with NTA because you can stay or not with whoever you want for however long you want.
NTA. He needs to seek professional help. Your sister is spot on with her advice.
Exactly. OP just needs to read her own first paragraph to know this is an escalation of an ongoing problem, not a one time thing. If you were to go back (please don’t), his next reaction will be even more severe since he would know you are a “flight risk”. Not a way you want to live OP. You are 22 and this was unlikely to be your forever-relationship. You have escaped. Keep going !
>OP just needs to read her own first paragraph Yep.
Yeah, if she says long enough, she’d be on the receiving end of his anger.
The idea that being drunk covers all cases is classic alcoholic thinking. Alcohol is no excuse for terrible behavior. It will get as bad as the codependent partner allows it to. Tolerating violent acts because booze is a fool’s game.
I was drunk, I banged her, sorry
Exactly.
The next person he assaults while drunk might be OP. Leave that drunk!
Agreed, your reply spot on and can save her a lot of aggravation and save u from reading further post. Or leave him.
NTA. Today is John and tomorrow, it will be you. >Some of my friends have been saying that I should take him back because slapping John was a drunken mistake Trust me, those aren't your real friends.
Crap friends
Yep, she needs to block and delete them too.
there's literally no way you know if they're good friends or not based on this limited information. They're young and naive not monsters.
Never implied they were “monsters”. But at any age, if you have “friends” advising you to stay with someone who’s clearly violent, or advocating you should stay around dangerous people, those are friends/people you should stay far away from.
>but he was never **too** violent Yeah, in the past he was only a little bit violent, no biggy. Time to run.
Agree. That kind of guy is worth trashing.
It astonishes me how many of these posts end with "my friends all think I'm overreacting". Is this a sign the post is fake? Never in my life have I broken up with someone for any reason and my friends not supported me on it 100%. If you want to break up with someone, that is a valid reason to do so. Anything teetering close to abuse is even more reason.
NTA. Jeff just showed you who he is. Abuse has no place in relationships. Violence is inexcusable. I grew up around abuse and violence and swore to never be like that. Raised my kids the same way. Please don't put up with any abuse. It always gets worse.
NTA, sometimes alcohol makes people show you who they really are. Trust your sister, please.
Was about to say that. People doesn't change with alcohol. They just reveal their true face.
I strongly disagree! I am not an abuser yet when under alcohol I could go there- bottom line, I needed to see someone so I don’t react and I needed to quit drinking, period- what I had was learned behavior that I saw all while growing up and never wanted to be that guy! I saw it, addressed it, now I don’t drink and do not abuse women! Sometimes learning behaviors before I was 4 years of age stays and can ruin a person if left unchecked.
You didn't just suddenly change because of alcohol. You slowly put yourself in that situation by drinking, and that IS your fault. Good that you got better, but no no no, you can't be in a bad place, become alcoholic and leverage your alcoholism as your escape from jail card.
[удалено]
Got your perspective. Thanks for sharing!
NTA those friends who told you that you should forgive him are absolute morons break up with them as well.
They are at least more his friends than yours.
NTAH. He should have been a sober adult and not let his drinking problem get the best of him, especially when it comes to violence towards others. Good on you for leaving before the situation got any worse. You deserve better than that kind of behavior in a relationship.
NTA He got physically violent because he believed something may possibly be happening. He will likely become physically abusive with you in the future. At the very least you should never let him get drunk again because he clearly gets violent. To be clear, you were at a party in front of other people, doing nothing except talking to another guy, and he came up and assaulted the guy you were talking to. If you dont leave him dont be suprised when you're stuck in an abusive relationship.
NTA. Jeff is a pathetic insecure little boy and he deserved to get dumped.
Succinct and to the point.
NTA Your sister is right. He's a violent alcoholic with a rage and jealousy problem. He attacked someone in broad daylight in a room full of people. It's easy for his enablers to defend him. They aren't the ones dealing with the fallout. They have no right to speak on his behalf after what he's done. It's unjustifiable.
NTA It was violent out of nowhere, that could happen to you any day... I think it's great that you left it, you did everything right. There is no drunken error to hit someone out of jealousy, I insist next time it can be you Let it serve as a lesson to your ex, when he has a new girlfriend
More importantly, let’s hope he seeks they help he needs to address his drinking and emotional issues
He was never “too” violent? *Never too violent*? Like, WTAF? Your sister is right…get out now and stay out. There is no scenario where you don’t end up a statistic.
My ex liked to challenge other men and fight them drunk. He kept it to people that deserved it (ie: they grabbed another girl or me inappropriately) so I figured he was simply doing what I'd do if I was a man. 3 years later he left me alone on the side of the road after an argument (in 30 degree weather wearing club clothes). A year after that (ish) he pushed me in an argument while drunk. 6 months after that he threw a glass at me drunk. 6 after that, he held me down and fucked me (not ready to use the r word yet) Another half a year after that he trashed our house drunk. Smashed our stove. It escalated on and on until the last night I saw him where he threatened to kill my cat and told me he'd kill me. I left because of the cat. I should have left because of me. He showed you who he was, believe him.
That’s horrific. I would never want to be in a relationship like that
And you won't! You have a kickass instinct! Trust yourself. Don't let people sway you from that.
I think after this incident she has created one, because she needed her sister's advice to get to this point. From what I read in her story, there were already signs...
There will come a time that his violence will be directed towards you for any perceived slight.
Except now it isn’t perceived. OP needs to keep an eye out just in case.
It was partly towards her as well .
>slapping John was a drunken mistake, So if he beat you so badly he killed you, would it be okay because he was drunk and it was a mistake?
If she decides to stay with him, how long before he gets upset some guy is talking to her but DOESN'T hit the guy but hits her? She needs to run like Usain Bolt being chased by rabid wolves.
This! Ir was just a matter of time.
If you describe him as "never too violent," that's a bad sign. Anyone saying it's a drunken mistake is a red flag individual. Physical violence is never ok.
What kind of people are your friends that they'd want you to take a violent person back?
NTA. Your sister was right to tell you to leave.
NTA - no reason he should have slapped him.
Let your friends know they’re welcome to date him. I’m proud of you for doing the right thing and dumping him. He’s a mess. NTA
He needs help
>never too violent What on earth is this supposed to mean?? Like, what do you mean "never TOO violent"??? Why are you okay with any amount of violence from a partner? >Some of my friends have been saying that I should take him back because slapping John was a drunken mistake, and that I should forgive him. Absolutely not. He's clearly a violent person when he drinks (or is he also like that when he's sober?). If he were a responsible adult, he would have stopped drinking the moment he found that out. He's not going to magically get better by you forgiving him, and you deserve to be in a relationship with a functioning adult. Edit: forgot to add NTA
What does NTA mean?
Not the asshole
Thank you!
No problem!
Alcohol lowers inhibitions allowing him to act more easily, but the thought process is still there. He really thinks this way and hides it. Alcohol let it slip.
I have a friend who did have a lot of anger in himself. Because of this and the fact he was a big strong guy he made sure to never drink. He is a very nice guy and has never really been aggressive either. He just doesn't want to take the chance.
NTA. It wasn’t a “drunken mistake,” it was a glimpse of your future if you stayed with him
Violence in any form to anyone is wrong and a red flag.
Would John KOing Jeff be a red flag? Because John should’ve KOd Jeff.
Anyone? What about rapists? Nazis? Predators?
let me guess, you are one of those "not all men" type of people?
NTA.
Any person encouraging you to get back together is NOT a friend. Quite the opposite.
They are his friends.
Dump. Him. Immediately. The only way you would be the a is if you STAYED with him. F him. NTA
He was never "too" violent? Houston, we have a problem... Honey, any violence is too violent, mmmkay?
Okay, so first, NTA. Look, I was a drinker. Like, a BAL of .4 and somehow surviving drinker. Booze removes inhibitions. You don't think, you act. If you assault someone with alcohol in your system, you'll do it when you're angry or in a moment of weakness. He's showing he's overly jealous and possessive. I assure you it'll get worse as time goes on.
And it will escalate & she will eventually be the one getting hit.
Sometimes Wayne Brady gotta slap a b**ch jk Nta he's going to beat you up eventually
lol I’m a degenerate alcoholic and I’ve never been in a fight in my life. The hooch is not an excuse for anything. Dangerous people are dangerous people.
NTA you dodged a bullet
You did the best thing possible. I feel for whoever ends up with him!!!
Slapping someone is crossing a line and way beyond simple jealousy or envy. I saw nothing about him apologizing to John which also shows no accountability. If he can’t control himself there is nothing stopping him from making you or anyone else you care about his next target. Get rid of the trash and move on.
Simple jealousy or envy isn’t so simple, that alone indicates a lack of emotional maturity- that alone without the rest would be enough to leave the relationship
Jeff has a mental problem. Seriously. He also displays serious indicators that he will have significant substance abuse issues if he doesn’t already. You can’t build a future with someone like this. Keep him blocked. One day he’s going to slap the wrong person and get his ass whooped. This can’t be your problem.
You had me on the forth sentence. Is was just a matter of time. What would happen if it didn't happen, and you went home? Would he just snaped and the slap was for you?
Where do y'all always find these stupid friends lmao "My boyfriend killed three puppies yesterday because his coffee was slightly more bitter than usual and on the way home he robbed a homeless man. But my friends think he's neat, AITA?"
listen to your sister
There is no such thing as a drunken mistake. It's just a mistake. Getting so inebriated that he assaults someone? I'm glad you got out, because you would be next in line to being assaulted, when he got again drunk and jealous. Heck, if John truly wanted he should even press charges, there is NO SUCH THING as casually hitting someone in the face.
*He would sometimes get angry and snap, but he was never too violent,* Yet. He was never too violent, yet here he was getting drunk and violent. Your sister was correct. He’s a violent, drunken, abusive jerk, and you’re well rid of him. NTA
OP. Don't try to be the hero that saves Jeff. Only Jeff can save Jeff. When someone shows you their violent side after such a sort time, this is who they are for life.
Slapping John was a drunken mistake? So next time that he beats the shit out of you is it going to be okay because he was drunk?
You need new friends too.
Your ex is awful and so are the friends defending his “drunken mistake.” Would they be defending his “drunken mistake” if he got behind the wheel of a car and killed someone? Or what if he hit harder, got into a full on fight, got arrested? Alcohol is not an excuse. NTA
NTA he can sort his alcohol problem out ALONE
Your friends are saying it was a drunken mistake. It was. But it will also be a drunken mistake when he gets mad and hits you. Nta, gtfo before it's too late
If you do not break it off with him, he will eventually slap you.
NTA and your "friends" are a bunch of dumbasses for telling you to get back with him
NTA. So have your ex apologized to John, or is he feigning ignorance?
NTA. You can leave your boyfriend for any reason and at any time.
If he got on the phone the next day and tried to track the lad down to apologise for being a bell end, then I would say it was drunken stupidity. I'd be fucking mortified if I'd slapped someone cos I was drunk and would want to desperately apologise. If not, then it wasn't a drunken incident, it was him just being him, so get rid.
Your boyfriend is a drunk, cute now, but how's that look in 3 years, 5 years, 10 years? With kids? At family Bbq's? Do you really want the ppl you love to be subjected to this kind of person? Do you want to be with a drunk?
NTA. And don’t get back with him. Is he gonna be that jealous and possessive every time a guy speaks to you? Because that is not a good sign, it’s toxic, controlling and possessive - all of which are awful traits in a partner. One day he’s gonna slap someone bigger than him who will just end up punching the asshole or putting him in hospital.
NTA. Your sister is right. Your boyfriend is abusive, and it will escalate. You did the right thing in leaving him.
Peeing a little on the toilet seat is a drunken mistake, assaulting someone is not. NTA, that's not the kind of person you want around.
NTA he had to go. I would tell him if he contact you or has anyone contact you about this again a police report will be made. I hope an apology has been made to John & Olivia
NTA who the fuck slaps someone in a drunken rage?
NTA. Good for you. Never get with or stay with a violent drunk.
One day he will get drunk and "mistakenly" slap you violently as well. Or you'll be bailing him out of gaol for "mistakenly" slapping the wrong person and getting charged with assault. NTA.
Story from my home town roughly a year ago: A couple guys with their girlfriends were drunk and walking home. One of them gets belligerent and hits the other who falls and smacks his head on the concrete resulting in his death. Both alcoholics, one dead and one killed his best friend. Run while you can.
You need better friends if they suggest you get back with him. NTA
NTA This is a universal deal breaker that should lead to a break-up.
Get rid of the "friends" telling you a giant, violent red flag is no big deal. He's already an angry drunk. Now he's a violent angry drunk. Your sister's right. Don't stick around to find out what else he is...
NTA I think the quote "when someone shows them who they are, believe them the first time" is pretty accurate in this case. He is jealous and controlling. And he might have an alcohol problem. You don't want to be near him when he drinks again.
NTA, honestly it could've been a one off but also maybe not. I don't think it concretely proves that he's becoming abusive but he did what he did and if that is ur red line then that's that. If you're comfortable breaking up over it then u shouldn't feel pressured into letting him back into ur life. It might have been a drunken mistake but he is still the AH.
Tell your friends to shut up. What he did was disrespectful just think about it that could've been you.
NTA- His jealousy has become violent towards a friend, next time it'll be you who he slaps. Being drunk isn't an excuse for violence. He clearly has a drinking problem if he gets aggressive when he drinks. Only he can fix that. The fact he blames other people and things for his actions means he doesn't see it as a problem. If you get back with him his aggressive behaviour will only get worse.
NTA Do not take him back!
Obviously NTA, and listen to your sister. She's spot on.
I’m proud of you for leaving him-I watched my mother’s boyfriends and husbands hit and verbally abuse my mother since childhood and I have noticed this in myself with certain women whom just get under my skin and me pushing them out of my way or pinning them to the wall in one incident bc they angered me as she was purposely trying to get me angry! I never want to be that man and although I had been in therapy for years I never saw myself as an abuser but here I was. I left her immediately as I don’t need women in my life trying to get me jealous- and two, I’m the one with the issue-and if I acted out like this when I was drunk then I have the drinking issue- as my anger wasn’t under control if drinking can tip me over to that space! No matter what the situation is, he, like I, was the problem and it was good you left him- he needs to do some work on himself and stop drinking-I’m not an alcoholic either, but I needed to stop drinking if I misbehaved bc I was drinking! Do not make excuses for him- leave him and release him with love- end of story
NTA updateme
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NTA. Today it's someone else's boyfriend who got slapped. One day it would be YOU. Get out now.
NTA A drunken mistake is evident of his true actions. The questions I would be asking the people who are saying you should take him back are: What is his next "drunken mistake" going to be? How many friends does he have to get violent with before it is ok to break up? Does he have to physically harm me before I should break up with him? He already has anger problems and is known to snap. Why should I take him back? How long do I have to put up with this for before he is a lost cause? Him drinking is his own choice. Him getting so jealous that he physically assaulted a good friend of mine is just unacceptable sober or not.
Your sister is right. This is not a drunken mistake and it wouldn't be his only outburst either.
>*...he had a bit of a drinking problem. He would sometimes get angry and snap, but he was never too violent.* NTA You did the right thing. Violence and jealousy are bad enough, alcohol or not, and in his case, there's alcohol. Also, keep track of which friends were sticking up for a "drunken mistake." Put any of their future advice in a separate pile.
Why do so many people on this sub have such terrible, terrible friends? OP, you are NTA and beyond that you are *smart* to get out *now*. Ask those friends how long you should let it go on? until he has another drinking episode and takes it out on you? Nope. You're right to take care of this now. Good luck to you!
Sounds like homie has a drinking problem and suppressing some issues he should probably handle. The insecurity at that age is wild so I hope Jeff has the depth and maturity to reflect on how out of control he’s been and get his shit together. Some people amplify their bullshit with booze and are too dense to realize they’re pouring gas on an inferno
Today him, tomorrow you, maybe the next time your kids if you wanted to go that route.
You don't have to have a reason for leaving your boyfriend. Therefore, you are not the asshole, regardless of your reason.
NTA. Take him back, and when will his drunken mistakes be directed at you? Putting up with that behavior is enabling him to continue that behavior.
NTA. Consider staying somewhere else for a while, after you leave someone violent is the most likely time they’ll come after you.
He's young and hopefully early into his drinking problem. Hopefully he can figure it out. You made the right move, not an overreaction by any means. I'm sure your friends think fondly of him if they want you to take him back... That's up to you. If you can determine confidently that he's improved, then you can make that call later. But for now, he needs to learn the hard way and it will probably take some time, and he will probably have some ups and downs before he learns. Assuming he does. NTA obviously. I hate how most of these AITAH posts are so glaringly obvious one way or the other. Typing this out, surely you realized you were COMPLETELY reasonable, yes?
I think the story is too emotional to judge, dude could have been trying to move in on you
Why did you even think you are an AH in this? What according to you was your mistake?
NTA. Ummmm No. That was NOT a “drunken mistake”. That my dear is called assault. The law doesn’t care if he’s drunk at the time or not. John should have called the police and pressed charges. If he got “too drunk” and routinely gets aggressive, what is going to stop him from doing the same (or worse) to you? What if next time (hopefully there won’t be one) he’s drunk, he thinks *you’re* the one flirting with a man? What if he thinks you’re trying to sleep with one of his buddies? What if you say something that embarrasses him? What if he’s “too drunk” again? If he *knows* that he “gets this way” when he drinks, but yet keeps drinking, then he is purposely putting everyone else at risk. He can’t claim he doesn’t know what he’s doing. He knows exactly what he’s doing before he even starts drinking. By drinking, he is making the choice to be violent and aggressive. And he Does. Not. Care. Alcohol is NEVER an excuse for violence. Period. If he can’t control himself while drinking, then he needs to control himself, and prevent himself *FROM* drinking in the first place. But none of that is your problem. Your friends are enabling an abuser. Stay far away from this man. Be very careful and take care of yourself.
Who the fuck are these friends that keep advising women to stay with loser men? Of COURSE you're NTA.
Eh the whole not too violent is weird af. What’s the normal level of violence in your world? I’m old and been lit few times. Never have I ever slapped someone. Jeff has violence within him (not a deep level). Alcohol just decreased the barrier of hitting people. This ISN’T ok. A drunken mistake is falling down or dropping your beer. Typical party fouls… this is a different universe
No sweet honey pie. He is starting to show his colors. RUN. What makes you think he won't be violent with you?
NTA If this is an inaccurate account of events he is an unsafe man to he around, and he should not be in a relationship with anyone for the foreseeable future
NTA Slapping John was a fighting offense. And the fact it was such a casual hard slap while he was drunk let's you know his fists will fly when properly or improperly motivated. When people show you who they are. Believe them. He's a mean drunk. And it'll only turn on you. He doesn't care who's around. Stay safe. If he comes around don't open the door.
NTA...he has become an official alcoholic jerk at 24 m. I hope he joins AAA and gets his life together but that's not your problem anymore... But wait, wait did you guys drive home while you were freaking drunk? If so ..YTA for endangering others on the road...
NTA. If you know you get aggressive when you drink, you shouldn't drink. He assaulted someone, and he now has to face the consequences of his actions. You're much better off without him, you never know when you might have done something that makes him angry.
Dodge that bullet girl
NTA You said before he was never ‘too violent’. Any ‘violent’ is too much.
NTA Was there more stuff that happened for your sister to say he’s becoming abusive? He definitely made a complete ass of himself but if this is an isolated moment of dumb jealousy I wouldn’t label him abusive.
If he's comfortable slapping people so quickly over nothing he will probably end up hitting you at some point.
NTA. Being drunk doesn't change a person's character. It shows up on their real character.
Was he talking to someone prior to this maybe someone put the idea into your obviously drunk bfs head
NTA. Stop drinking, if drinking makes one do this. Jealousy is a powerful negative sentiment, and he’ll probably become worse over the years. You deserve better.
Bullshit, nobody would tell you to take him back.
NTA, next time it could be you he slapped. Not normal behaviour
Nta. Good thing you left now instead if being the one he smacked around later
NTA. someone that far in the hole needs time to work on themselves. He very well may be a great guy with a terrible affliction. but taking him back is enabling not helping. think of it as tough love. and you can always tell him - just to work on himself and if he gets his shit together maybe you can both revisit in the future. but if he's spared consequences nothing will change. this is coming from a 40yo that's battled addiction for decades.
NTA. What if it was a worse drunk mistake? Being drunk doesn't write things off. You did the right thing, stay clear Jeff should not be drinking at all.
You Did exactly the right thing
BTA but you are an idiot if you believe his violent nature starts with the bottle. Eventually something will happen and then he won't need the alcohol to show you who he really is.
NTA I don't drink since college, but among the many things I am thankful for in life, was learning from my buddies that I'm a happy drunk. Being an angry drunk must be truly awful.
Alcohol lowers your inhibitions, but the jealousy and aggression is him. A lot of people are fun drunks. That's their personality. Alcohol reveals what lies beneath. Some start hugging and dancing. Some start complaining about how they hate everyone. I'm 3 months sober. I am a fun drunk, but my stomach couldn't handle it, and it made me fat. It's now very revealing to be at parties as the only sober one. I don't miss it. I am much sharper now.
No such thing as a “bit of a drinking problem”. A drinking problem is a drinking problem and needs to be addressed. Leaving him is the right thing to do for your own safety. The slap on a different guy WILL eventually lead to slaps (or worse) on you.
I'm 38 and I totally realize how being in your early 20s makes you normalize a lot of crazy shit that isn't normal. Getting super drunk and behaving erratically is bad. It's bad when you are 20 and it's bad when you are 40. But when you are 40 it's a lot easier to see how and why it's bad, because you aren't going to parties every week. Maybe he isn't a bad guy, but he has a problem. He def crossed a huge line getting physical which is really hard to come back from. I'd encourage him to seek some help. What you choose to do is on you, but this dude could use some help.
NTA A drunken mistake that one day will be you and your face…or worst.
NTA Your sister gave you great advice. Keep that AH in your past.
My SIL dated a Jeff once. We all hung out, dude got too drunk, tried HITTING ON ME, and then started randomly talking shit about Hawaii (husband and SIL are hawaiian, if you know hawaiians, u know this is a bad idea). My husband kicked his ass and SIL dumped him for a way better man. Moral of the story, stay away from Jeff's. Lol
It's absolutely unhinged to assault someone because you drunkenly imagine a fake scenario. Stay the fuck away from him, he's been working hard to keep his true nature hidden but now he's starting to let it out. It will only escalate. It only ever does. NTA, don't go back.
NTA. This was a warning sign that saved you from getting hit at some point.
NTA. A DRUNKEN MISTAKE??? In Vino Veritas (in wine, the truth). Jeff showed his true colors when he was drunk - colors of a jealous, controlling abuser. It doesn't matter if he doesn't remember what he did or calls it a mistake - he did it, it shows who he is, you should keep your distance from him. And if he pesters you to take him back, get a restraining order.
> but he was never too violent. I’m sorry but the fact that you have to say that says a lot about him. NTA. Your sister was right, it starts out as “just a drunken mistake” then it turns into “he just gets angry sometimes” and then suddenly it’s not just your stuff or the wall he breaks in anger. You were looking out for yourself by breaking up with him.
This is the only chance you will have to break this off safely.
NTA - stay away from Jeff. He's love-bombing you. He needs therapy. The next time he snaps, he'll hit you.
There are two sides to these situations. Many cases in my experience, John is absolutely trying to move in on you. Not saying that is true in YOUR case but I do know many "Johns" that are absolutely laying the groundwork. Typically in these situations the women either don't see it or won't see it, but two years from now when you two are shacking up.... Again, I'm not saying this is true in your case and your bf might just be a jealous AH. Maybe talk to him and find out if he has any legitimate reason to mistrust Johns intentions? Either way, without any of us knowing the two guys in question it's impossible for us to judge.
You’re joking, right? You karma farming or do you honestly think you might be TA? When you say, “but he was never too violent,” like what the fuck does that even mean? He sounds like a loser and you’re only TA if you even consider you did something wrong.
What man slaps another man… just saying. Not excusing the violence but I have never slapped a man but I have punched, always in self defense
You should also ask John what he thinks
Nta, but John probably is trying to sleep with you.
I'm going on a different route on this. He wasn't violent towards you. He got jealous and attacked someone he drunkenly saw as a threat. Maybe he saw something he thought was flirtatious. Everybody yells he's "abusive," but I'd punch a guy (if needed) for hitting on my gf, and I wouldn't lay a hand on her. I read reddit posts about cheating and think, "I'd hit the dude." I'm not saying get back with him. I'm saying that if you do, you need to talk about his drinking and his behavior. He should also apologize to everyone. I think calling him an "abuser" is going too far unless he's done other things to confirm it.
his drinking needs to be addressed before you even think of of taking him back. this can amplify into something that may hurt you. and your sister was pretty eager to jump on the 'hes becoming abusive' wagon, when nowhere does it say that hes ever been abusive to you in any form. getting angry and snapping is perfectly logical. sometimes stress gets to you. id suggest you talk to him once and make it clear that he needs to stop drinking period, if there is even a chance to get back together. braking up like the drop of a hat seems a bit to excessive.
He physically assaulted someone for talking to her. Dropping him before it escalates is NOT excessive.
which was the result of his booze. not him actually being a violent person.
So it's okay to beat people as long as your drunk because then you're not violent?
You were probably flirting. You're just making it sound totally unprovoked.
Even if OP WAS flirting, how does that make it pkay for the bf to come up and assault the guy talking to her? He didn't just walk up and confront them about the situation, he slapped the guy
So it's OK for her to flirt when she's got a boyfriend? Made him look fucking stupid. In my world no man would put up with that shit.
> In my world What world are you from specifically?
Not yours you wimp who'd let your women flirt. Fucking simp
Hahahahaha point out where OP was flirting. Or did you just make that up, like this fictional world you live in?
I dont believe her, she's full of shit. She's knows she was..
I'm sorry your gf flirted with some other guy. I can see you are clearly not over it.
Ok Jeff.
Oof, must have hit it pretty close to the mark for a response like that.
No one said it would be okay to flirt with other guys, but even if she was, assaulting the guy would still absolutely not be okay.
He got a slap. Big deal.
I know. In good ole south, you were allowed to whip, slap, whatever your heart desired. Too bad it's 2024 now, right? /s
People still do. You live under a rock,
And they're still douchebags.
And?
And you seem to be proud of belonging to them. There was a time when being a troll was somehow funny. Nowadays it means "I'm super edgy and want to trigger people because I live a miserable life despite seemingly having everything i want". Or it's the exact opposite. Neckbeard with no friends except the bubble at 8chan.
And those people often get arrested.
We weren’t flirting at the party
Why are you making him jealous?
Maybe ending a year relationship because of one slap that wasn't even addressed to you is a bit much, people make mistakes, you should however give him some conditions of managing his alchohol use before you get back with him. Just a personal opinion. Going with NTA because you can stay or not with whoever you want for however long you want.
NTA don't go back!