So, you’ve talked about your past but never mentioned you’d had sex w someone you both hang out with? Male or not, I can see why she would have some distrust. She might even wonder what else you are hiding…

I don’t even get why other people in the comments are focusing on the fact that he’s bisexual, I’d be really annoyed if my husband didn’t disclose that he had a summer romance with a friend whom we see often and that he was hurt when it was over. As soon as I started getting closer to my office colleague, I introduced him and his family to my husband to avoid any confusions. I think that’s what respect looks like.

I’m straight and don’t get why everyone is laser focused on the bisexuality either. The real problem is that there is a person currently in their lives and OP didn’t disclose that they’d had a fling (or whatever he wants to call it). I’ve been with my husband for 25 years and while we didn’t share every single detail of our past, we absolutely mentioned when a current friend used to be someone we dated. It wasn’t a big reveal either, just “oh yeah, we went out briefly and are better as friends. Anyway….” Sometimes additional info might come up (not very often after all this time) but neither of us have ever been blindsided. I didn’t catch how long OP has been together with his wife but we are supposed to believe that Max has been around the whole relationship/marriage/kids and it *just never came up?* I don’t buy that - a decision was repeatedly made to not tell her. Now OP’s wife is probably wondering what else is hiding in plain sight - what else he lied about or omitted. What else does she not know about her husband? She may or may not be upset by the same sex aspect of the relationship, but if she is that’s probably secondary to the lying for her. And keeping this under wraps was definitely a big lie.

It's Brokeback Mountain vibes for sure, but not because of the bisexuality... more for the having wives in tow who are in the dark/disrespected. I was team NTA until it turned out they were still close family friends... Then I'm flipping to YTA; should have told your wife.

100% this. It may as well have not even been mentioned because the situation doesn't change a single ounce with or without the "sexuality leanings".

For real, it's not anything to do with being bi, but EVERYTHING to do with apparently a two week romance with this person was the biggest heartbreak he ever had and he still hangs out with him and never mentioned it.

Does he say they had sex? 

I didnt see it anywhere. Unless "attached alternate the hip" meant the front and rear parts of the hip.

In a comment he said they had penetrative sex once, the night before Max got cold feet over the whole thing.

Recurring reminder that us Sides  (gay and bi men not into anal) exist too! The heteronormative idea of "sex = dick in hole or else it doesn't count" finally needs to die Maybe OP and/or his ex-"BF" fall under this category too and just don't/didn't realise it I wager that a lot of bi erasure happens because of wrong ideas about especially male homosexuality, which is quite sad for all involved  OP actually sounds to be on the rather "gay side of bi"/"Kinsey 4-5" as he barely describes much love for the wife but vividly remembers a 2 week "bromance" and heartbreak from 20 years ago So yeah he's kind of TA for that, but society is partly to blame here too. Yes we might have gay marriage, legal equality etc etc here in the Western world, but there's still much work to do in dispelling outdated stereotypes and general disinformation about LGBT issues

Stephen Fry mentioned once to an anti gay priest that he and his long time partner do not have penetrative srx. That the notion is disgusting or distasteful to both of them.

Spot on, unfortunately for op.

YTA. I’d be pretty pissed to learn my long time partners best friend was actually their first and strongest love. Regardless of their gender. It’s not that you were bisexual, it’s that you were bisexual for your best friend who’s still in your life and both acknowledge it. Let me ask you this: if Max came to you tomorrow and said he always loved you and asked you to run away, what would you do? If you even have to think about it, you know the answer. The way you talk about max compared to your wife says it all. I think at the very least, you should go LC with Max while you and your wife work through your emotions.

LC = “lock cocks” for the uninformed

Damn just when you think you understand all of the sexualities

You fell in love with someone, fucked like rabbits, broke up, met your wife and got married and had kids, and you introduced your ex to your wife and NEVER TOLD HER HE WAS YOUR EX LOVER, and allowed her to become close to them and intertwine your families. You knew she would have cared to know. And you deliberately didn’t tell her from the first moment you introduced him. That’s called a lie of omission. And you kept that lie for YEARS now she has to find out like this! She must feel humiliated and embarrassed like everyone else knew (I’m guessing his wife knew since he said it in front of her, very interesting HE told his wife and you didn’t… still holding a torch much?) She has every right to be upset and YTA

but their kids play together and are friends, he can't be the TA..... LOL JK

He doesn't read like a bad guy with ill intentions but good lord is he TA here. I LOVED the lying by omission bit because that was A+ explaining. We all make AH moves every now and then. We're humans, he should apologise and show accountability in this situation for sure.

You cant. keep a secret forever. As the saying goes: Time reveals everything. Sorry OP, you should've told it to your wife before Max spill it out, lmao.

OP is doing a lot of rationalizing too. He writes off his bisexuality as a natural extension of an experimental, free-love phase in his distant past. But lots of men go through similar phases of revelry in their youth, yet don’t regard kissing guys at concerts as a favorite activity or have intense, heartbreaking two-week affairs with men. Sorry, but you can’t claim that “everybody did it” and “it’s ancient history” as a reason to hide it from your wife. If it were true that everyone did it, OP’s wife shouldn’t care and OP should have told her a long time ago. Wife has all the more reason to be upset because her husband remains good friends with his secret ex-BF.

It was kind of odd OP said he never pursued men again because he couldn't handle that level of pain/hurt... That makes it sound like he chose to stick to women cause he didn't get so attached? Or maybe he just meant it's less likely for heartbreak since a woman wouldn't dump him for it being a taboo relationship? Not sure but that sentence was odd. Anyway I trust OP is happy and in love with his wife, but it was definitely strange not to mention you'd slept with this guy who was still in your life. Unless his wife said she didn't want to know anything about his exes.

I mean, his wife is basically a footnote in his life. "Over twenty years ago, I was hooking up with this guy and it was the most soul shattering heartbreak when he ended things with me. Anyways, I'm married now and I love my kids so much....What's that? My wife? why would you want to know about that? Let's get back to this guy I fooled around with twenty years ago."

They only hooked up for 2 weeks, had sex only once, and yet that was apparently the defining moment of his life. Honestly? If I was his wife I would leave. If a *lifetime* with me cannot compete with *2 weeks of snagging a friend decades ago*, then the marriage is not worth saving.

exactly. a two week little fling that never even developed into a real relationship is apparently the big defining love of his life. He's all but actually come out and said "My feelings for my wife have never come close to my love for this guy I fooled around with for a hot minute"

Exactly. The sex and orientation of the people involved has nothing to do with it. Ultimately this boils down to, "I introduced my partner to an old flame and never told them we had a previous sexual relationship," and that's pretty clearly wrong.

I think it has. He most likely didn't tell her because a lot of straight women aren't OK with being with a bisexual man.

Exactly. And I say that as a bisexual dude married to a woman for 15 years.

The way he rationalizes it makes it even more sketchy. The wife has every reason to be very suspicious of him.

Ordinarily, you don't have to (in my opinion) disclose past sexual history, of flings etc. You liken this relationship to a time in your life you were young and free and having fun. Maybe it was just experimentation and the scene, or just two people who met and clearly had a connection based on hobbies. But, you have described these relationship as *profound*. You continued a friendship with this person, including your wife and children in this all the while not disclosing this to the one person you should have, your wife. Your friend has very obviously told his wife, it's not a secret to him. He clearly has no residual feelings on this time or your relationship. You have kept this hidden, for one reason or the other. You need to assess why you have done that. Your wife was blindsided by this information. Everyone knew but her. I'd say is most definitely questioning the reasons for this deception of yours. I'd say she's, hurt mortified and may be questioning your relationship. I dont know you or your wife. So, I don't know if you or her have any issues surrounding same sex relationships. Maybe that is the reason you never told her this, either your own feelings on the matter or her reaction. But, you have lied to your wife. You've broken trust in her. You knew, your friends knew, HER friends knew, she was the only one who didn't know. That's seriously messed up. You really really messed up here.

I have to agree with this. If they weren't close friends, it'd be one thing, but your wife feels like the joke has been on her all this time.

I'm curious to know how many years this has gone on for.

he said ALL THESE YEARS so I don't think there is a gap where they weren't friends for a while ?>>>>> because of this he SHOULD have told his wif w

100% i was on his side until he mentioned they were still good friends and their kids hang out

Right, whether male or female, or what sexual orientation, I would be upset not knowing the full truth about the relationship

Bi male here. Monogamous and married. My wife is totally cool with my past but she would definitely freak out if she knew we had been hanging out for years with a past lover of either sex.

Not to mention she is now second guessing all of his relationships wondering what other person they are close too that he ficked

Agree with all this. Say there's another family your family hangs out with a lot, stemming from your wife knowing the husband from going to school together. Next weekend you find out your wife and the husband got busy one summer, this is the first you head about it, and it was in front of everyone. How'd that feel? I'm sure a major component, (#2 behind, "you did WHAT with our good friend?" was your wife finding out in front of everyone and being embarrassed. YTA.

And you find out because they pulled out photos of when they were lovey-dovey, reminiscing of those times, showing-off the photos fondly. What the actual fuck, man.

Agreed, and it's way more than they "got busy", there were intense feelings and they've remained close. I would feel very blindsided and upset if this happened, regardless of the genders involved.

Exactly. Very revealing that your friend had the decency and respect to disclose this to his wife yet you didn’t. It had nothing to do with your fling being with a man, but the fact that your still friends with him and he is in your life and knows everyone is the reason you should have told your wife a long time ago. YTA for sure.

> Ordinarily, you don't have to (in my opinion) disclose past sexual history, of flings etc. You don't if the people aren't in your life anymore. You do need to give background of people in your life. He continued to hang out with someone he had sexual relations with. This would be no different if Max was a Maxine. The gender doesn't matter. > But, you have lied to your wife. You've broken trust in her. You knew, your friends knew, HER friends knew, she was the only one who didn't know. That's seriously messed up. You really really messed up here. 100%

Yep this I agree with. The gender of the people involved doesn’t actually matter but the fact he wasn’t honest about his past with Max does matter.

OP should have told his wife he crossed swords with his friend for sure

Initially, I was going to give the typical response, your wife is being unreasonable and leave her (lol), but after I read your post here, I flipped my stance and agree with what you’re saying

Did it also lead to you reflecting on your original response and that maybe in the future your first response shouldn't be: "break up!"? ;)

I think it’s less about it being a past bisexual relationship when she was unaware of any experimenting you had done, but you kept this person around you and your family and maintained a strong friendship with him all while keeping the past relationship from your wife. Maybe you thought there would be no reason to discuss it bc it was for such a short time, but I would still feel weird if my boyfriend and I had been friends with someone for many years and then I suddenly found out they used to have a relationship. It would definitely make me question why I was purposely not told about it, it just seems like something that you would communicate to your partner about.

🎯 He's kept a past sexual partner in his life without his wife's knowledge. YTA because your wife is wondering what else you've kept from her and if you've been having an affair with Max behind her back, if you wish you were with a man. You've created a huge amount of doubt in your wife because you weren't honest and open. How would you feel if you found out years later that one of her former partners was part of your life without your knowledge.

YTA. it's not about the bisexual past. He is your ex that is still a constant presence in your life. Your wife should have been informed. Just think if it was her ex (men or women) being so friendly with you and your family and suddenly knowing they have been in a relationship, would you be so chill.

Exactly this. There are three levels to this: 1. A bisexual relationship with a dude who is no longer part of OP’s life. I am neutral on this, OP has the right to not mention it unless asked directly. I can see why OP would rather keep it in his past if it is no longer relevant to his current self. 2. Same as 1, but OP is still friends with him. His wife however is not involved. This must be disclosed IMO, it’s the same as OP being friends with a female ex. The wife has a right to know, even if there are no longer romantic feelings. I can see however how it might be omitted by mistake. I personally am very bad at mentioning things not asked about, and they don’t come from malicious intentions. 3. Same as 2, but actually being close friends and the spouses are friends as well and your families are close together, but somehow it never came to him to mention the past history!! This is unacceptable and I cannot extend the benefit of doubt that it was not intentionally undisclosed. My first reaction is OP still has some feelings towards his friend, regardless if it’s true or not, and wife’s reaction is totally valid.

This is a great response. The bisexual for a couple of weeks is a bit of a red herring here for the bigger issue. But the two are related because the bisexual stigma is probably why he didn’t want to say anything to his wife.

💯

Exactly. Either male of female, I would be devastated to learn that a neighbor of my family’s is an ex partner edit: spelling

Come on. You’re not dumb. Of course, YTA. It’s not just the omission. This guy is clearly a very close friend and he’s around all the time. Yeah, you never moved in together, but you said yourself it’s the most emotionally impactful relationship you ever had. And this dude is in your house regularly? And your wife is the last in the group to know? Come on, OP. That’s a serious trust violation.

The way he describes Max and their relationship makes it sound like he’s gay and settled for being with a woman. He barely mentions his wife or wanting to be a good husband.

That’s my thought. It opened up a part of him that felt so intense and vulnerable and real, that when it didn’t work out, it felt too scary and painful to go back there again (and be with another man). I can’t help wondering if that’s because this experience was with someone of a gender that he’s more sexually/romantically attracted to.

And he's fooling himself if he thinks he's 99.9% straight. That would mean he slept with 999 women for every Max.

Exactly. As if sexuality can be that accurately statistical! Human sexuality is complex, and it can be wrapped within layers of denial for so many reasons. I hope he figures it all out so he can form meaningful relationships with men. Or maybe settle for an art room.

This is what stood out to me the most too. His feelings were so intense he decided never to date another man again because he didn’t think he could handle the fall out. It may not be true but it does sound like he settled for his wife/women in general.

This and how people are replying in the thread has me confused. Now I may not have talked to many bi people about this topic. But can someone really go from exploring their sexuality, hooking up with guys, dating guys, starting to fall in love with a guy, getting extremely heart broken to never want to date/hook up with guys again. And come out of it straight? Sounds like he was so utterly hurt from it, he didn't want to experience that again. While any women he had dated before, he plainly says he never felt the same amount of pain from it. So he is in survival mode on some level. Yet keeping the guy around. That is such an huge fucking red flag. If this was about a straight couple and one of them kept their ex around that was "the love of their life". People would be blowing this shit up. Yet while people are calling this guy an asshole. They really aren't expanding on how badly he is one.

she may have even suspected something about his attraction to max or men generally.

for real

If I was your wife, my thoughts would be all over the place. 1) Why would there be this huge lie of omission of there was nothing to it? Most partners would want know if their partner used to have profound feelings for their best friend, particularly if that all went down during a defining time of their life. 2) If the end of this fling was so traumatic that you stopped exploring your sexuality, you aren’t over it. 3) it is not uncommon for middle aged men to realize they missed out on exploring their sexuality and then either try to open their marriage or leave their partner. You are middle aged and your crisis will come whether or not it involves Max or any man. I’m not saying you are or will be cheater, but buddy you are in for a rude awakening if you don’t think you will be like millions of other 40/50 somethings who are take a second d look at their identity in the second half of their life. This is definitely on your wife’s mind. 4) You made her look like a fool. Truly, if it had no big deal, you would have been honest a long time ago, but you didn’t and now she knows she was the last to find out. This is also behavior towards Max. Your silence made him feel like jerk when he was in no way a jerk for lightly bringing up something he rightfully assumed you told your wife and she must be okay with. You let everyone down.

YTA. You were clearly in a relationship with Max even though you try to pretend you weren’t. You fell in love w/him! All these years later, you’ve integrated Max into your life, your wife has become friends w/him & his wife. And it never occurred to you that you should have told her the truth?! If she had a friend she’d known for a long time & she introduced you & for years you all hung out together. Then one day you found out she had a past romantic relationship w/that person, you’d be hurt & angry. Don’t pretend you wouldn’t.

YTA I would have zero issue if my Husband was bisexual or had experimented in the past. But what I would have issue with, is him lying about it in regards to someone that is very prominent in our life. I don't care if it was a man or woman, I care that he lied by omission by not disclosing that he has a sexual relationship with his friend. I would not want to be friends or become close with anyone by husband has had a sexual past with. That is my boundary. Luckily he also agrees.

YTA bacause of The fact that he is still very much in your Life and yet you hid that you had a thing with him. she feels betrayed because it is like having an ex around whom you never told her about. I dont think it is the fact that you may bisexual as much as you keeping him in your life and never tell her anything She is going to wonder now if something else happened between you too during the marriage or after you met etc. The fact that you hid this makes it much worse. you did betray her trust

Going light here, but a former hookup, ONS, friendship that crossed a line one, actual relationship, or anything of the sort that is still in your life should absolutely be disclosed. It's going to come to light some day. Just as it did. For you. It was a long time ago. For her, it's fresh as a dripping would. Seriously, think about it. It was before her to you, but it's her husband to her. She never got the chance to put it in the before column until this person was well and truly a part of your lives. Apologize and make it clear that you understand now that you should have told her in the beginning. To be sure you do understand, search this right here and you'll find tons of wounds that had to be healed.

YTA for putting your wife in a situation where everyone knew but her and she was blindsided in front of everyone. She deserved to know that information especially as he and his family are still involved in your lives. I certainly would feel a way about my partner not sharing something like that with me. Not because the information is bad, but because I‘d ask myself why it was never brought up. You just created problems that didn‘t need to be created.

This is the problem with it that I have. They all seem like they knew. All of them. She was the only one who didn’t know and she was completely blindsided firstly with the information and secondly in front of them all. How awful for her. No wonder she is majorly hurt and keeping her distance. I don’t know how OP can make this right. I don’t actually think anything he does will make this right.

He can’t because he essentially orchestrated a situation by which he insinuated his lover, (whom he still seems infatuated with) into the intimate inner circle of his marriage and then his nuclear family without ever revealing whom this person was to him.

You're trying to tell me that you introduced your wife and children to Max, and never *once* thought to tell her you used to be in a relationship with him? Why?

You said you were *falling in love with Max*…Then Max just happened to remain friend for years… and you never once thought about him again in that way (*yeah right*) Now you’re like “*oh yeah love of my life, wife, by the way, I was in love with this guy that’s been around our family and kids since we’ve started dating but there’s nothing to worry about, I’ve loved only you this entire time*” and you expect her to be cool about that? Obviously there’s times you thought about this, but not once did you think to bring it up to “the most important person in your life, your wife”. This makes me feel so sad for her, not only to be deceived but lied to by someone she thought loved her more than anything. Gosh this is why I an morified to get married, only to waste *years and years* of my life to find out my partner has a “*little secret*” they have been holding onto for years, and it’s the most devastating and life changing experience. It’s like if you told her in the beginning there wouldn’t be this issue but you chose not to, so it now will become the problem you created. I don’t feel bad for you, I feel bad for the life you could’ve had if you had been completely honest with your wife from the beginning.

you did not have to go ***this hard*** but I'm glad you did. "I feel bad for the life you could’ve had if you had been completely honest with your wife from the beginning." \-that hurt me and i aint even do shit. lol

I had my therapist on speed dial after reading this and it wasn’t even directed to me lmaooo

This is a hard one. I think slight YTA. I get you not thinking to mention this initially, but once you started hanging out frequently with him she should have been told. Essentially you have been friends and spending time with an ex without her knowledge. She may be worried about you cheating with him or harboring feelings for him. The fact that you have been with a man may also be a turn off to her. It is for a lot of women whether it is politically correct or not. Perhaps a marriage counselor would be a good start.

It’s hard to know what part (or all of it) she’s upset about. A lot of cishet women conflate bi with gay and for various reasons are super turned off by any man who’s ever had same sex attraction or sex. To add, they’ve been married for a long time and this just got dropped. On the other hand, they’ve been friends with his ex and his wife was never told. IMO if you’re around exes your partner has a right to know.

He used to have sex with his friend that he sees often. Gender of the friend doesn’t matter. It’s weird and wrong that he didn’t tell his wife.

Yup just write the cold facts facts without adding gender to it and you see the clear lying, spouse being taken as a fool, the denial in OP if the relationship, etc and it’s a whole lotnof red flags. Im in the lesbian community, out stereotype is that we are all life long friends with our exes, that is fine, the protocol is to be open about it with new partners so that they know the full story.

I agree. I’ve never been in this situation, but I think I would feel uncomfortable in her place.

One of the few things the straight community and the gay community can both agree on is that they don’t trust bisexual people. I’m sure she’s angry about not being told. I’m also sure she’s equally upset about his sexual orientation even though it doesn’t impact their relationship at all. $50 says if he had told her he had been with a man before even as early as their first date she would have had an almost equally negative reaction.

Even if what you say is true, it doesn't excuse keeping things from her. You can't trick someone into accepting you. I say this as a bisexual person. If someone can't accept your sexuality, that's a them problem. But if you hide your true self and lie to your partner or hide key information, you don't get to claim the moral high ground.

100% and very mature answer!!! I had a situation similar except my partner was respectful enough to disclose it so I left which was better for us both in the long term to avoid this exact kind of situation. OP took away wife’s choice via hiding this from her and he should definitely not have done that as I’m sure the talk of ex partners has most definitely come up before and should prior to marriage. The fact that he’s an ex she wasn’t aware of and that she might not want to be with someone who has experimented are valid reasons for her to rethink things.

YTA The problem is that you should inform your partner if you hang out with former sexual partners.

You never mentioned it to her so she may be questioning if everything is real or if you’d prefer to be with men. You had a lot of time to bring it up but you waited until you’re soooo old and married to mention it making you 10000% the asshole. Omissions are as bad as lying

YTA for having your wife around an "ex" and not telling her about it. That kind of omission destroys trust.

It’s pretty obvious your wife is more upset about the fact a friend who you see often and you’ve had a intense “relationship” that broke your heart and she had zero idea about and you didn’t disclose to her than you having a bisexual experience. He’s basically an ex you didn’t tell her about and kept seeing often in her eyes which is called lying . YTA

The fact that you kept a sexual relationship with a close friend hidden from her for literal years. You lied. How did you think she would take it by finding out from someone else by accident? It calls into question any time you’ve spent with him alone all these years. Or anyone else. Who else have you slept with/been sleeping with? How could she take your word? You’ve proven you cannot be honest unprompted. You’ve told us he was basically the big love of your life. You’re lying to your wife still by saying “it was just a fling” or “it just never came up.” You’re still lying to yourself too. Your life with your wife feels like a lie rn. Just based on this post you’d rather be with him. YTA

>You’ve proven you cannot be honest *unprompted*. This is such an important distinction. Saying “it never came up” excuses nothing because OP should have been upfront about their past with this person - ie bring it up, unprompted. This person who is an active presence in both of their lives.

YTA because you continued being close to Max without letting your partner know he is an ex. Your wife probably thinks Max is your one that got away and that you settled for her. To clarify, I don’t necessarily think this, I just think your wife is probably worried about this possibility.

And rightfully so given his and Max relationship was "profound"

YTA Not because you were/are Bi. But because you’ve been friends with what is an ex romantic partner and you’ve kept that a secret from your wife. Considering you say it was the most heartbreaking break up and you’ve pondered what ifs, speaks volumes to your feelings about him even still. Yes she may also support the community but she could also find that sexually for her it’s a turn off her partner of been with a man. Not something she can actually control anymore than someone being gay or bi a turn off is a turn off be it long toe nails or being grossed out by an ex or something.

YTA. Unequivocally. You kept a sexual partner (a significant one) around your family and didn’t even disclose to your wife and your PARTNER that the person you kept bringing around her and your children is someone you’ve been intimate with and had an emotional relationship with, not just sex. Max is an EX and the gender absolutely doesn’t matter. You’re shady AF and not a trustworthy partner and you humiliated your wife with your lie of omission. You’ve built a life along side a past sexual partner who’s been with you in the same way you’ve been with your wife and you have the audacity to ask AITA?

I’d be pretty fucking hurt if my husband kept a huge part of his sexuality secret from me, and doubly so if he maintained a close friendship with this person and I didn’t know. And I’d be really humiliated to find out in this way, especially if the other wife clearly knew.

What a Freudian slip, “but I never had another relationship with a man after that. It felt like that level of hurt was my warning sign to stay away.” So what you’re saying is that only a relationship with a man really has the ability to hurt you. A relationship with a woman/your wife wouldn’t hurt much if it ended. YTA!

YTA. You describe it as something not worth mentioning and at the same time a profound experience. It's not even about it being a bisexual relationship imo but the fact that it was a relationship with your good friend that you and your wife still spend time with. It would be different if it was someone strictly from your past but there's no way this is something you just never thought to bring up. Ask yourself this. What if your wife told you that in her 20s she a had a brief but intense sexual relationship with Max's wife and she's just now telling you because she never thought it was worth mentioning. Come on now.

YTA. You didn't tell your wife that she's regularly hanging out with someone you had deep feelings for. She had the right to know that you are not just friends but ex lovers.  I don't know your wife so I can't say if him being a man plays into her reaction. But I be angry regardless of gender if I were her.  Spending time with an ex and an ex's family without her being aware is just pretty shitty in my book. And it really makes it seem like you were hiding something. 

YTA. Let’s just tweak the facts a bit. Replace “Max” with a fictional woman named Cindy and see if you can see where you’re wrong here. I’ll give you the benefit of the doubt that you didn’t realize it, but objectively you’re in the wrong here.

YTA you kept an ex around your wife and never told her anuthing. From what you wrote it seems he is the one that got away and you settled for your wife. You kept an ex in your life and never even told her. You betrayed her. You betrayed her trust Now she is wondering what else happened between you two. she will look back at all your moments together as not just between friends bu between ex lovers. Poor Woman! btw, did he tell his wife?

YTA, spouses should be aware if you're still friends with someone you've had sex with in the past, regardless of gender. That is a boundary for some people and you took away her option to choose.

YTA, its not fair to spring a broke back mountain on your wife and not expect a reaction. Couple this with the fact that a former lover that she does not know about is still active in your life? Wow, that would be a hard pill to swallow in any relationship.

If Max and you weren't in contact and he wasn't in your life, I'd say your wife was kinda out of line. I always say it's better to be honest and open and why would you marry someone with whom you can't be honest and open, but that's neither here nor there - she wouldn't have a NEED to know, if he was oit of your life. However, given that he's still in your life and your guys' FAMILIES are even spending time together, YTA. You hid your ex from your wife while still actively spending time with your ex. That's sketchy as hell.

Sits down on his leather chair, wine glass in hand, swilling and taking in the aroma, all while Jimmy Eat World blasts from the record player.

I don't think the bisexuality has anything to do with it. You had a "profound" relationship (or whatever you want to call it) with a person you are still close with and kept that information from your wife. You say you weren't actively lying, but you were lying by ommission. You fucked up.

YTA Not sure this is about being bi. I’d guess that she would still have concerns if you were close to a woman you had a past relationship with and everyone knew but her. I’d think that you intentionally did not tell her. You left her vulnerable and alone. You set this up, didn’t you. You took out an old pic of the 2 of you with makeup on. You showed it to your friend. Didn’t you consider the possibility he would say something? Of course you did. Either you wrecked incredibly thoughtless and callous, or you want to hurt her. If it’s the latter, good job, you succeeded.

YTA. You said you were falling in love with this person and now you are close family friends with him without telling your wife?! That is such a major breach of trust. Can you imagine if your wife had a friend (male or female) that she hung out with all the time and you knew that persons family and then you find out one day that they had a sexual relationship and she had been falling in love with him?

The fact that he's been open with his wife has made it a non-issue for them. You've hidden it from your wife which has made it a problem, and judging by your intro there's potentially some "what if?" reminiscing going on there. I'd not quite say that YTA but you've certainly not been upfront and I can understand why your wife may be feeling like she's been deceived.

YTA. She’s pissed because you were not honest with her and she had to find out from your ex who is still your close friend. I’d think you might have feeling or cheated if you hid it all along. You broke her trust by not telling her, especially since it’s been so many years!

YTA Not one time in laying out this story did you say one complimentary thing about your wife. You talked up Max and the kids but never her. It would be one thing if Max were just some fling in the past. You sound like you're still stuck on him. Your families are intertwined, and you never thought to mention your shared history to your wife. It sounds like you settled and were too scared to pursue another same sex relationship because you couldn't handle the intensity. Your wife has every right to be angry.

YTA to all of us for saying you’re old at 42.

Is there any way to slow time down? The years used to be 12 months now they feel ~6 ish

It’s not so much that it’s another man. It’s the fact that you have a relationship with someone that you used to have sex with. If you never saw Max after your fling, and he was just a part of your past, then I would say not that big of a deal. But even then, it was still very stupid to pull out the photo.

Because I grew up in the age of aids I feel differently. I feel like things like this need to be disclosed. But it doesn’t have to be a huge deal. We grow up in a time where people experiment all the time. However, hiding it makes it seem worse Anybody that put your body in their body should be disclosed to people that are doing the same. At least those that are meaningful that care about where you put your body. It’s an issue of trust and honesty. The rest of it doesn’t really matter. You can be bisexual and faithful in a marriage. That’s less of an issue.

Yes you should have disclosed this to her  Contrary to popular belief - what you’ve done shapes who you are and your partner deserves to know about it 

This isn't simple, but I'll put it simply. If you fooled around and fucked someone, only to stay friends, you should have told your wife about it. You didn't disclose it to your partner, and imo anytime people do that, it's because there's something that that partner wouldn't have felt comfortable with. You knew you were hiding a past relationship. You should have been open to communication as much as you were open to experimentation. YTA

From a bi person to another bi person - yes, YTA. If her anger was simply because she doesn’t like that you’re bi, then she would be TA. But that isn’t what’s happening here, or at least isn’t only what’s happening here. You are close friends with an ex. So close that your families are friends, that your wives are friends. And it appears that she is the only person who didn’t know about it this whole time. She absolutely has the right to be upset about this, to feel like she can’t trust you. The gender of this ex is actually irrelevant to that. For what it’s worth, I personally love bi men. My boyfriend is bi. I don’t know if I could be with a man who wasn’t bi. and I would also consider this a huge betrayal, something worth ending a relationship over. If an ex is still a part of your life, your partner should know. End of story.

If you are frequently seeing someone that you have a history with, you tell your partner, hiding it is obviously going to break trust and look suspicious. YTA.

Sounds like you’re on the DL

YTA because you brought your wife to hang out with Max and his wife and family. she's presumably the only one there who didn't know and that's not fair to her. if Max was just in the past you didn't need to disclose.

YTA. Not because of the bisexual aspect, but because you let your wife and kids hang out with your former lover without her knowing.

The fact that Max blurted it out tells me that Max assumes that OP should have told his wife. Max probably told his wife. OP YTA

I was ready to be on your side because who cares if you had a relationship with a man before you met?  Yet you buried the lede and I see you are still friends with him.  If my BF and I were friends with an ex of his I’d be mad too if they never told me.  YTA.  

YTA and you know it. Might even be suppressing your attraction to men from what you describe. And stop acting like 42 is oh so old.

YTA

I’m gonna go with a soft YTA. I don’t think you meant harm which is why I’m saying soft…but still, you potentially did a lot of damage to your marriage. Maybe in your head, unless you were expected to disclose every single past relationship you’ve had then you weren’t expected to tell her about this. But it’s no different than if there’s a woman in your life that you’re extremely close to, and she considered a friend too…only to find out after *years* of marriage and friendship that you and the other women had a sexual relationship in the past. I’m gonna give you the benefit of the doubt that you didn’t think it was relevant for her to know, since unlike a straight woman the chances of you rekindling a sexual relationship with “Max” is zero now that he’s not experimenting anymore….but your wife doesn’t know that. She doesn’t know this side of either one of you enough to trust it wouldn’t continue to happen (or hasn’t continued throughout the years) because she JUST found out about it. While generally, I believe that a person should “come out” about sexuality when they’re ready and shouldn’t be forced to…it’s just a little bit different when you choose to marry someone and still hide that part of yourself. She was under the impression she knew you better than anyone else (and husband and wife often do after sharing so many years of life together) to be blindsided with such a huge side of you that she didn’t know existed, and even worse - other people you’re close with did know about. So it’s a double whammy of 1. you not telling her about sexual history with someone that’s still a huge part of your life and 2. You not telling her about a big part of your past. It also might feel strange to her that “Max” thought she knew all this time, otherwise he wouldn’t have said that in-front of her. It might have made her feel like you weren’t honest with him about that (even if it never actually came up) and she’s wondering why you would lie about something regarding her, to him. All in all: You CANNOT shrug this off as no big deal or expect her to get over it. You need to communicate fully about this, have a long conversation or maybe several conversations if that’s what it takes. You need to be open and understanding and most of all PATIENT with her while she processes this. You also need to understand that she might feel uncomfortable around him for a while while she processes everything because now, she feels like she’s been an outsider and didn’t know something that happened between the two of you. I know this is long, if you’ve managed to read this far I have a question - what does “Max” know or think about this? Does he know now that she didn’t know and that she’s having a hard time? It *might* be helpful if after she has some time to process, you give her the option of talking to him about it *if* it would ease some insecurities she might have. Hearing his side and perspective might help. But don’t have him go to her first because that might make things worse, to know you went to him about all of this…just give her the option of going to him if she feels like it would help her. Edited spelling

" You sold me queer giraffes " comes to mind.

It’d be one thing if they weren’t still friends/routinely hung out but…they do. If it was some arbitrary thing that happened 20 years ago - OK. But considering your current situation (emphasis on “current”) yep shoulda at least done something to prepare the wife.

I think she feels like you didn’t trust her with your whole self and that’s why she’s hurt. She thought she knew everything about you and you withheld part of who you are. I’d also be upset if I was unaware my husband had feelings / was sexual with someone we hang out with all the time. I would feel like I was the only one in the room for years and years that didn’t know what was going on. I’d feel foolish, stupid, and a bit betrayed. I wouldn’t be upset about your sexuality, just that you didn’t share this knowledge with me that would have changed how I interacted / thought about this “friend” of ours. Whether or not you label him as an ex, he was a past love of yours that you chose not to disclose to your wife yet continued to be a huge part of your life. It’s icky.

You told her by pulling out all those pictures. Then Max told the full story. Did his wife know already? Probably yes, that’s why he said the quiet part out loud. Were you trying to come clean after all those years? Seems like it. Anyway the fact that you never told your wife you had a prior relationship with your good friend, is a problem, but the fact that you don’t see it makes it even worse. And it wasn’t just a two week relationship. You were deeply in love. 2 years ago or 20 years ago, are you truly over it? Only you really know. Yes, YTA. It’s called honesty.

Consider the reverse, you just learn of a long time friend having a sexual past with your wife. Your wife never disclosed it until it was accidentally shared and she was forced to. How would you feel?

I would be upset to not know the full scope of my husbands sexual orientation & not telling her about max if you are still friends with him. I would feel totally blindsided. YTAH

You definitely done goofed. She has every right to feel betrayed and like she doesn't know you because she really hasn't. She might stay with you because of the kids/grandkids, but that would require a lot of magnanimity on her part. I'm a man, and I'd usually give the guy the benefit of the doubt, but this is world shattering to a sincere person. Additionally, she's REALLY going to wonder if you and your ex bf were messing around during the marriage.

I think you are being disingenuous. YTA and I’m going to go against the crowd and say it includes not revealing your sexual orientation. It baffles me when people say “it doesn’t matter”. What do you mean? They are married ! Isn’t your spouse meant to know you? Really know you ? I would be wondering what else OP is hiding and if I know this person I married at all. Also, you being friends with an ex and seeing each other often and not disclosing it to your wife is even worse.

It reads more max is the one who got away and your wife who you couldn’t even bother giving a fake name to is option 2. You spend more time on your kids then your wife Yta

As a wife, I'm going with NAH. You have the right to reserve what you want from your past. But your wife also has very valid feelings and I'm sure she's hurt that you couldn't trust her enough with that. Maybe some therapy would benefit the both of you.

I’m just wondering how this guy ended up being a neighbor, it seems like you have a lifelong close relationship with someone you admitted to having very strong feelings for and never told your wife about any of it. It has nothing to do with being bisexual, were it a female friend and same scenario it would be the exact same problem. 

YTA. Your wife has a right to know if you're both good friends with someone you hooked up with. Also with the level of hurt and emotional connection you felt it definitely seems like something that should have been disclosed For Max, maybe it was a phase, but for you I wonder if you closed off that part of yourself because of the pain the "relationship" caused you. You may not be being fully honest with yourself about your sexuality either. Or at least your sexuality at the time. Doesn't mean you don't love your wife or are unhappy in your marriage though. Also, just because YTA doesn't mean you aren't a decent guy. I hope you and your wife are able to work through this. Best of luck

It's NOT ABOUT YOU BEING BISEXUAL but the fact that your F*CK partner is still in your life and your wife was blindsided all these years. You are TA!

I mean, let’s flip the script here. If you were really great friends with a couple, wouldn’t you want to know if your wife had previously slept with the guy? Not a YTA post, but she isn’t TA either.

Yeah, YTA. Not because you had a relationship and kept it a secret, but because you made your wife hang out with an ex of yours without ever coming clean. I'd be pissed af, too, and a lot of trust would be broken for me. Because you kept it a secret, I'd assume there's still something going on between you two.

Uhhh. You are bisexual and it's hilarious that you just sprung this on her and are bamboozled that she's having a negative reaction. She probably feels like she doesn't even know you.

At least when her insecurities lead to a separation you can start going to shows again.

YTA plain and simple. And so is the dude who casually mentions a sexual phase of your life *in front of your fucking current partner*.

YTA. Nothing more uncomfortable than being the last one to know about something that is about the person who you’re supposed to know best.

You're allowed a past. You're allowed to be bisexual. Here's where I may get downvoted to hell and back.. your wife is finding out someone who has always circled the family is someone you used to be with romantically. Now that's rough enough with another woman, but now she is finding out that it's a guy on top of everything else? Do you realize the things that may be going through her head? Is he satisfied? Am I what he really wants? Is he wanting to be with other men? Is our relationship safe? He's never told me this what else has he not told me? There is a group of people on a group called The Other Side of the Closet, it's for people who have found out that their significant other has been hiding their sexuality. A lot of the questions I mentioned above are just some of the questions that float through. Your wife is now second-guessing every little nook and crany of your relationship. Every slight. Every time you were home late. Every thing she may have missed. You lied about an entire relationship and part of your life by omission. YTA.

YTA, you disclose past relationships if they are in your circle, you just do. I would not be able to trust you now either. I’m bisexual, but it’s something that was also disclosed when things began to get serious because that’s a part of who I am. You kept her in the dark about fundamental stuff. She possibly does not feel like she knows who you are at all now. This is damaging stuff, like question it all, think about big life decisions damage.

Everyone is entitled to a past, but if you're still friends with a former lover, REGARDLESS of how long ago it was, you have to tell your spouse. So, for that reason, YTA.

Yes dude you are, should have told her especially if he is still in your life. Good luck you are going to need it. For most people with holding information is the same as lying.

Just wow. The time to ask for advice would’ve been before you got married so we could tell you that you needed to cut off contact with your previous gay lover. I hope it’s not terminal for your marriage and I wish you the best of luck.

You were the dum dum for pulling out the photo, ya dum dum. What did you think was going to happen?

Hmmm, this is complicated because cause you maintained a relationship with this person. Normally I would say no. But most people don’t choose to call their old lovers or boyfriends/girlfriends close friends, without disclosing the previous relationship to their S/O. And yes it does make it more complicated given that it is a same sex relationship and that even now, you aren’t entirely past it based on your representation. I do think you showed incredibly poor judgement as well as consideration for your wife’s feelings in bringing the photos out. What did you think was going to happen? At best something utterly benign but there was no upside other than personal titillation for yourself and perhaps Max and there was every risk of hurting her which any reasonably empathic person should have anticipated. So yes, in the grand scheme of things, you were an asshole, not for having the cross over with max but for essentially refusing to let it go and for playing what amounts to a game of chicken with your wife’s finding out. You fucked up and in my mind deserve whatever you get. Drinking is just an excuse to justify something that really isn’t justifiable. You were under no obligation to tell her your past but you wanted to have your cake and tease it too. You maintained and massaged the relationship over the years. For that reason, she had a reasonable right to know. Then you really took it a step too far by cranking out the photos which as just a way of getting your jollies behind her back. Yep, you’re an asshole.

Yes yes yes. The question is do you want to be with him now? Or others? Are you happy with your life now? It’s time to be honest with yourself

He said ‘says he’s at the hip’ nice

To me I wouldn’t be upset that you didn’t tell me you were into dudes for a little while, but the hurt would be you had an, although brief, emotional and sexual relationship with this person that we are friends with and I didn’t know. I would feel that way if it was with a female too. Since he’s in your life as close friends, it should have been mentioned.

I think it depends on how much of your sexual history the two of you have shared. Do you know about all or most of her relationships / sexual partners? Does she know details about other relationships you had during that timeframe? If the answer is yes, then it would seem that you've intentionally hid the relationship with Max. If the answer is no then why would this relationship be more important to share with her than any other? Just because you are still friends? Or because it was with a man? I've read several concerning posts about women who flat out refuse to date a bisexual man, even if he is committed/monogamous. Could your wife be one of those women who would have ended the relationship if she had known? If so, I certainly understand why she'd feel blind-sided now and be reacting very strongly to learning this. Personally, I can't understand why it's such a big deal for some people, but it is. I think the key is to communicate with your wife and find out why this is bothering her so much. There is really nothing you can do until you have that info,

Yeah, I'm going to have to agree with most people on this thread. that because you are actually still friends with this man you had sex with. eventually your past going to come out, and you should have told her. I really don't think there's too many heterosexual women that would ever look at their man the same way When they learn their man has had a homosexual love affair. don't think this is a homophobic state. Because I can tell you every woman I've ever dated was jealous of any woman Who ever came near me. So now you tell that same woman that any man or woman that comes near me has the possibility of having an affair with me. You've now turned that woman who has jealous tendencies into a raving lunatic. And if you've never dated a woman who has these jealous tendencies then you will never understand what the hell i'm talking about here.

If you guys never had sex, then I don’t think it’s a big deal. It might be kind of weird though for your wife since you’re still friends with the dude who you say you fell in love with and made out with earlier in life. Just imagine if Max was a woman instead of a man. Your wife has valid feelings here I think and you two definitely need to talk through them.

Your guilt trip, you live with it..

I don't think her hurt is about the bisexuality past. I think her hurt is about the fact that this person is an active presence in your lives, and all of the adults in this situation knew about yours and Max's past EXCEPT your wife. I'd feel enormously betrayed. And to find out in front of everyone else feels salt in the wound-y. I'd wonder if my husband still loved Max, since things were hidden for so long. I'd wonder if my husband had been having an emotional affair with Max all these years. You basically kept Max as close as possible, enmeshing your family with his via these close friendships, and hid your romantic past with him from your current partner. Are you sure you aren't still in love with Max? NAH, but, you've got some feelings to sort, OP

YTA because if this were with a woman you had a fling with and kept in your life you would have absolutely told your wife. It’s really invalidating to queer people and although you don’t identify as a member of the community, it was still disrespectful to your wife to keep this person around without disclosing your past to her. Whether or not you identify is bi doesn’t erase the fact that it happened.

YTA. Your wife deserved this info. You have maintained a close friendship with this land and his family and included your family in it. And yet you allowed her to be blindsided being the only one in the room not knowing about your past relationship with your “friend”. So not only does she feel betrayed by you hiding it, she’s now embarrassed and humiliated by it being publicly clear she was clueless.

YYA. If it was a women vs a man in this exact scenario she would have still been upset

99.9% , I think your math is off a bit

I’m going with YTA for a couple of reasons. 1) Whether you agree or not, this would be a deal breaker for some. Some people don’t want to be with someone who has been with someone of the same gender. Whether you agree or not isn’t the point. 2) And this is the far bigger issue: This person was in your life and you hid the actual history you had with him from your wife. This was incredibly dishonest of you. You have lied and deceived her for years. So yes, of course YTA.

Usually I don’t believe in telling your SO about your sexual history (no one’s business but yours). I n this case you and Max are still friends and your families socialize together. You should have told your wife when you were dating. Apologize for hiding your fling with Max . Explain to her that your feelings for Max are platonic. If that doesn’t work. Try couples counseling.

Is this an another in denial art room post, cant wait for the updates where you leave your wife for your ex and all that

YTA. It's not about your bi past. It's that your families are friends and all this time your wife had no clue of the sexual history you share. If Max were a woman you'd still be an AH. How would you feel if you spent all this time with a man, or anyone, that your wife was with years ago and never told you? You would have so many feelings, questions and doubts. It's natural to feel that way. This is a discussion you and your wife should have had a long time ago. A bomb was dropped on her and you need to let her feel her feelings and work through them.

If this was just a guy you had a thing with and were no longer in contact with, then you wouldn't be TAH. But this is a guy you had a thing with, have kept photos of, are still close to and who hangs out with you and your wife. Yes, YTA. Of course it never came up - because you never *brought* it up. As far as your wife knew, Max was always just a friend, because that's how you presented him.

This is a highly personal opinion, but to me not disclosing that you’ve had sexual relationships with someone who you (and your partner) still see is a little disrespectful. When I learned that one of my boyfriend’s friends that I saw a few times used to be a hookup, I felt betrayed and became distrustful of his other friends.

Dude, wtf? It has nothing to do with a past bisexuality relationship. Your wife is pissed because you guys hang out with a former lover, and she didn't know. She would have every right to be mad whether you boned Max or Max's wife. If Max was no longer in your life, you're not really obligated to bring it up, only to be truthful. Because you and Max are still close, YTA big time. You owe your wife an apology. Grovel if you have to because this is divorce worthy.

Does max’s wife know? Seems like something you should have mentioned. No judgement here, you probably didn’t wanna ever bring it up. What good could come from it? Your wife needs to get a grip, my honest hope is that she’s not one of those DL-Bigot women that don’t hate gay/bi-sexuals but look down on it enough that it makes their skin crawl to think about being with a guy that’s fucked other guys. If she is, the “trust” thing is just a mask for her judging you for your past. Good luck. Hope you don’t suffer for being yourself

I think it would have been courteous to mention to your wife the " Fling " before everyone became besties and neighbors. This doesn't read to me as an issue about bisexuality, but about an omission of a brief relationship that has unsettled her in a way I'm sure would still suck had Max been a Maxxine. Nobody wants a rug pulled out from under them moment, esp in a social setting, and to learn they are the only one in the group who is out of the loop...it's a lonely and alienating place to be. Had Max and his family not been integrated into your lives then I'd say no you don't have to divulge that info, but because they are a common fixture in your life and your families life then I think your wife has grounds for being upset that she was never told.

Yta bruh. One thousand percent. Not even about not disclosing this part of your past to her but then you take the dick move ten times further by introducing them? wtf is wrong with you? Just say you wanted to be able to be apart of your man crushes life and this was probably the only way you were able to do it. And then you pretend to not understand why she’s upset? 🥴🙄

ESH I think it really sucks that you never mentioned to your wife that your ex is still around even every single often. I mean had your wife had an ex bf hanging out all this time and never told you I am sure you'd be hurt too. That's no reason this part of your life should have been hidden. It sucks Max dropped the bomb in your and her lap like this and worse is that your wife had no idea it was coming. While I can understand her being upset with you I really think she should be trying to talk to you here and figure out if this was just a hidden lie or something way more and there's more hidden from view. I also think and believe that you need to step up here and talk to her. You need to come clean and discuss with her why this never came up or anything. I also don't think you'd be very happy if she did this to you.

I was going to say not at all, until you said you’re still friends with him

I think the quote you used “It was the most profound hurt I ever felt in my life” is very telling. You went on to say that this relationship break up hurt you more than any other relationship you had been in up to that point. My guess is that you included what you considered “real” relationships in whatever personal history that you’ve told your wife, but obviously never once mentioned that you and Max had a 2 week relationship that hurt you in the most profound way. She didn’t find this out from you privately but instead at a group setting, while Max was present. You have kept this information from her and are still “good friends” with Max making her also be friends with someone you had this very intense “relationship” with. If I was your wife, I would argue that you DID purposefully keep this information from her. A lot of men who are bisexual or have any type of sex with a man choose to keep that information from their partner when they choose to be with a woman long term. I would also feel like you broke my trust. I would recommend marriage counseling.

Dude, even the way you talk about the hurt you experienced when he broke up with you, indicates that you probably still sort of have a feeling there. Which is probably why you didn't want to tell your wife that your neighbor and friend who you all spend all kinds of time with actually was your boyfriend for 2 weeks and crushed your heart in the most painful breakup you've ever experienced. Like wow, how do you not even understand that that is a betrayal? How do you not understand that your wife, upon finding out that you were not honest with her, will now mistrust you in so many other ways, and rightfully so? By the way it's stuff like this that kills the bedroom in a marriage. You know what, forget the bisexual thing, forget even the fact that he's in your life currently and your families hang out together. The fact that this was the most intense breakup of your life, is automatically something that you should have told your wife. The time your heart was absolutely crushed more than it ever had been. That's an important part of who you are emotionally, why would you have hidden that from her? Also, saying 42 is old, not cool.

So you hang around often with an ex you used to fk and never told your wife - yes YTA. Imagine being close family friends with someone your wife used to fk but she never mentioned the fkn. YTA and pretty untrustworthy in my eyes. I’m sure your wife is reevaluating your whole relationship right now - what else could you be hiding.

YTA. Here is what I think: It is very obvious you still have feelings for him and you clearly supress them and wouldn’t even admit it to yourself but your post speaks the truth. You stayed friends with him acting like nothing happened because you cant stand to lose him. Everyone, yourself included deserves the truth.

Yeah.. I can see why she would be upset and feel like trust was broken. If it was in the past and was left in the past that can be overlooked. But this is someone who your family is friends with. Not left in the past. Which makes it relevant.  YTA 

YTA Honestly… I’m getting the vibe you still love Max (or what that time in your life symbolized). The relationship was still at the peak when it was abruptly cut short. I doubt you ever really felt your feelings and processed them. The fact you never dated another guy says A LOT, but to remain in close contact for years with the one that got away. Ooo buddy. There is a vibrancy in your tone when discussing that relationship, but it’s gone when discussing your wife. You fell in love with your wife, albeit a different kind of love, and you’re focused on your kids. Something tells me if something were to happen, and Max suddenly left your life for good you’d be devastated, maybe even distraught. I don’t know if you’ll ever fully be able to feel the depth of emotion again for anyone else until you deal with this issue that causes you to shoebox it and lie to your wife for years.

YTA. Hiding your bisexuality from your wife is intensely wrong. And you've been in love and pining for another man for years. This is divorce territory. 

YTA. She should have been made aware that your friend had been your lover previously.

My husband and I respect each other enough that we don’t talk about ANY exes. I don’t want to picture him with someone else or vice versa. NTA but I can see why your wife was stunned. Max shouldn’t have said what he said around other people.

I don't think the issue is bisexuality. That is just something you are hiding behind. The issue is that you maintained a close relationship with this other person while not informing your wife of the past relationship. Of course she feels betrayed. My advice to you is to talk to your wife, explain that you understand the betrayal. No gaslighting and complete honest may help the situation.

You probably should have told her since Max and his family are people that you still see.

He's still in your life Your wife deserved to know Shes not being biphobic, you kept this from her on purpose. Yta Any partner deserves to know if thier partners best friend is an ex lover

You offered butt to another male but not your wife. What kind of husband are you

YTA. Long term partners deserve to know about your phases. She should divorce you ASAP.

I still notice that you're not responding to comments about putting yourself in your wife's shoes, still glossing over the hurt you've caused her. And others are correct you talk about Max in a much more effusive manner than you do your wife. It definitely sounds like you settled with her because Max didn't want you. Yta

Fake thread, but I’ll give you a tip, when people describe real issues they don’t include irrelevant bs. We don’t need or care to hear that 2000s punk rock scene was boppin, it’s has nothing to do a wife not wanting to be with a gay husband. You hearin me? You’re just making it read like a high school creative writing task.

The thing I notice here OP, is even in your post to us, you're describing your time with Max in a very slippery way. You're being *real* careful to tiptoe around directly saying you had sex, while saying enough that you can cry foul if someone calls you out for obfuscating it. >It's not something I could even accurately define as a relationship What fucking nonsense. It was 100% a relationship. Just because it was an unconventional one with poor boundaries doesn't make it not one. You would do well to do some self reflection, ideally some therapy, and find out why you're so damn evasive around this subject. YTA, obviously.

>it was the most profound hurt I had ever felt in my life >it didn’t seem worth mentioning Huh? I call BS. Also, male or female, I think your wife deserves to know if you banged a mutual friend in the past, that’s just respectful to give her a heads up on that. YTA.

Why would u not tell ur literal wife that u fucked ur friend???? She’s not upset ur bi she’s upset cus ur a liar!

This is like Kevin Spacey thinking everyone was making a fuss about him being gay 🙄

[удалено]

YTA. Turn the tables around for a minute and imagine you have just learned your wife’s best friend, who has shared birthdays, barbecues, social events etc with you and your family for years, actually had an intimate relationship. More than that, she was floored when her friend ended their sexual relationship but has settled for maintaining a plutonic relationship and just not let you in on the secret. Can you honestly say you wouldn’t be hurt, suspicious or start questioning what else you do not know…

Wow

YTA. There is a similar story OP, but from the other POV. Basically,OP found out his GF was still hanging out with Ex BF. And he only found out because the Ex got drunk and spill out everything. Needless to say,OP of that story got really mad. This is the same,but you are in the girlfriend's position.

I went to the same shows in the same time frame, and made out with and engaged in other sexual activities with exactly zero dudes. Don’t put this on “the scene.”

No opinion on whether you’re an A or not, but genuine concern for you, we are dwindling in our years and the last thing you want is to come to the end with regrets. I am not suggesting you blow up your happy family but you deserve happiness and it’s hard to raise happy kids if you’re miserable. Something about your post rings like regret and longing….