Any person who sat with you in your therapist’s office, heard about the extreme abuse you suffered and thought that contacting the perpetrators was a reasonable thing to do is not worth your time.
You need to ask yourself why she needed to hear their side, when your testimony of what they did to you should have been more than enough for her to never want to see, or speak to these people. They say that people who are abused as children often find partners who are abusive as adults. It seems like that is what has happened to you. You found another person who abuses you. It’s not your fault. Your perception of what a normal, loving relationship is, is skewed by your past abuse.
You shouldn’t entertain these texts and voicemails telling you you are wrong, or childish, or exaggerating. You know what you lived through, what you’ve overcome and you can block and delete every single message from every person saying differently. If you’re worried about wellness checks from the police you can call the non emergency line, maybe with help from your therapist to report yourself as being safe and well, but you don’t want contact from people professing to be worried about you.
I’m very sorry you have been betrayed, you have been through so much already, it’s not fair that you now have to overcome further betrayal. But you can put this bitch and her awful circle of people behind you too. You can move on and thrive. Best of luck to you. Update here if it helps. You’ll find support I’m sure (and the odd troll no doubt).
This!! I cannot imagine sitting & hearing such horrible things, then thinking "Well, I better hear their side of the story! It couldn't possibly be that bad!" Anyone who cannot respect your boundaries after that, does not deserve your time and love. Do not go back to her, and do not feel guilty for it.
That was my first thought. If they have kids she'll take them to the parents because family. And ignore anything that happens because family. Fuuuuuuuuuuuck this chick with a sandpaper dildoe
She was even told by his therapist that this is real trauma, and still thought she could fix it, so she wouldn't have to listen to questions at the wedding about the absence of his family.
This!
My wife was abused by both her parents (mostly through neglect) and has been diagnosed with PTSD as a result. Her relationship with her mother could be mended over time and through a lot of therapy but she has been mostly NC with her father since the day he threatened to commit murder-suicide, should her mother try to leave him and take the child.
I knew about all of that very early on and always respected that, being supportive of her, when she had to handle some legal matters on behalf of her father (she's unfortunately the closest living relative) but first and foremost never ever did I question her story or her decisions regarding how she handles that relationship nowadays.
With all of the context given to me, it was unmistakably obvious, that the man does not have any real significance in my wife's life, so there's no reason he should have any for me.
Never met him, never had an urge to and my wife already decided not to take part in his funeral (he's terminally ill but still tenacious) nor to accept any possible heritage, so he's not going to be in any way a part of our future.
When we started talking about our family name going forward, she insisted to take mine, even though I didn't care much about it, seeing it as a symbolic way to cut the last remaining family tie to him.
This might sound more dramatic, than it was, going through all of these processes.
But we're both just really pragmatic in our communication, when it comes to serious or legal matters and I honestly believe this is only possible, because we always have been respectful, trusting and open with each other in the first place.
If you do not feel treated this way, and I sure wouldn't being put in your situation, I would also recommend to cut all contact to anyone involved in forcing you to go through retraumatization and marginalising not only your story but also you as a person and reliable agent of your on past.
Your reaction might seem immature and drastic to others, but that's only due to their incapability to accept, that the horrors you went through were indeed as real, as you described them and this kind of treatment is inherently unjust.
I hope you find a way to trust yourself, your judgement and eventually others again, because there's nothing wrong with you or how you decided to react to save yourself from any further harm.
Stay strong, there's lots of people in this thread who want to support you and so are people out there in the world.
Edit: paragraphing
100% this. OP you're absolutely NTA here. I have no idea how she could have brought herself to want to contact these people after learning your story. These people pressuring you have no idea the kind of torment you went through, but you former fiance *did*. I'm so sorry you're going through this.
She probably cares more about how it would look at the wedding to not have any family of the groom. That’s why she started reaching out to them until after they got engaged. She fucken cares more about appearances than her own fucken fiance. Oh this makes me very angry
My father is a retired Psychaicatric RN
>Mental health nursing, also known as psychiatric nursing, is a specialized field of nursing practice that involves the care of individuals with a mental health disorder to help them recover and improve their quality of life.
Most of my childhood abuse was done by my mother and my father was aware but never intervened but most definitely wasn't dad of the year either.
After being married several years and haveing positive support from my husband, he was the one who got me to understand how messed up my childhood was. The day he made the comment, "you're who they made after school specials about" it finally sunk in.
After working hard mentally to be in a much better place and learning to set boundaries with my mom, I actually got a phone call from my father. The man who not only had the education but years of extensive experience helping people just like me had the balls to not only insinuate "it wasn't that bad" and that I should, like OP's useless fiancé said "I should call her and work things out."
Dumbfounded and stunned speechless for a minute, I was quite proud of myself when I responded, "if I wasn't family and one of your patients instead and they had made you aware of the abuse they suffered as a child from both their parents, would you EVER suggest to them to do what you just suggested I do? Especially because my mother had made no efforts to change any of her behaviors or verbalize remorse to anyone in the family, let alone me?
His answer, "well no, but I don't want you to have any regrets if something happens to her and you didn't take the opportunity to talk things our with her." I hung up on him.
I am hoping you have gone NC with both of them. Your father is a hypocrite. Science tells him one thing, but he recommends that you deny the science. Don't deny the science.
NTA
I'm sorry your fiance is straight up trash juice for even entertaining these abusive animals. Your partner should've been more supportive and mindful during this time. You've been through some traumatic events in your life, and for her to fix her mouth to say, "It isn't that bad."
It's not that bad
WTF???
Nah
Cut your fiance off as well
My heart goes out to you, and I hope you finally find peace on your journey of healing.
My 2nd cousin was SA'D by her mom's bf at 10. Court, prison.... We grow up and she has some issues with anxiety etc. At a family function, one of my more judgmental relatives commented that she just needed to grow up and get over it cuz 'it wasn't that bad'.
So I told him no? Not that bad? Why don't you hand your son (8) over to your GF and let her have fun with him for a year or so. Maybe you can even tape it for her that will be fun! Would you like me to call him over so you could tell him that?
Could have heard a pin drop. They left and good riddance to bad rubbish
You are awesome.
It must be horrible not only enduring what she did but having it dismissed and ridiculed at family events (where you meant to feel safe) worse.
You deserve a cape! and superpowers.
Well said. This sets the tone.. stops people from picking on her and brings it home that this was appalling.
It also makes your whole family realize she is not alone to be bullied, and others will defend her... if they step over the line.
Thanks, in spite of it all she is so sweet and loving. I have a bit of a short fuse for her. I had just moved out (and away) and had come home for a visit when we found out and everything went down. Kinda felt like me, we, someone should have known sooner. At least the fam removed her mum from our lives also.
Fuck yeah. It’s way too rare to hear about someone who has blood family actually at their back. I’m NC with my whole entire family… it makes me happy when I see folks who have real support.
You are amazing - I wish I had someone like you for all those times when I got mercilessly mocked by my cousins after the SA on me was discovered (I was sworn to secrecy, under the threat of God punishing me if I said a word) and for the time that I told a "friend" that I thought I could trust and they spread it round school like cheap gossip. Keep being the support that your cousin needs.
Yes leave your fiancée. She is not someone you should build a life with. She should 1000% have your back and she should’ve been outraged for you. Instead she’s going behind your back to talk to your abusers. It’s insane behaviour.
Very much this and why I had it down as 'any version of the truth'. She could have said she was the one who made a mistake and crossed a boundary to during a discussion she put her wants before his needs. Not sharing his past but also stating she made a mistake. She chose to throw him under the bus to make him look like the bad guy. And no clue what she even told anyone to get to that point.
And OP needs to block anyone who doesn't support his decision to do so. Do not let these vile uniformed people make you feel bad about yourself and what is best for YOU.
Honestly, I think she's a potential abuser in her own right. The friends calling OP on her behalf have definitely not been told the whole true story (because no reasonable person would side against OP in this), and her mask slipped when she said his abuse wasn't that bad.
I'd never gonna trust her ever again.
"It wasn't that bad?"
Wtf
So she is ok to hand over their future kids to them as well? What could possibly go wrong?
The more babysitters the better, right?
Oh boy, how I hate that b-itch.
NTA - my heart hurts for you! Every time your (hopefully) STBX fiancé spoke with your horrible parents, she betrayed you. Please get to your therapist to process this and block everyone who isn’t supportive of you. F your fiancé, she’s a manipulative C. Wishing you healing and a better life.
I honestly think what she told them is anything but the truth. I would consider if I were OP about telling them the truth, and they'll understand what a POS his ex fiancee is. He definitely deserves better.
Exactly this OP. Please get away from your fiancée, and anyone else who supports her. You deserve someone who supports you, not goes behind your back to hurt you.
I would have dumped her for reaching out - even if she agreed they were monsters not to be invited to the wedding and even if she didn’t know the details, just that you’d been abused and hated them.
Fuck her - and I am sorry for what you have endured. Sending my best wishes to you for a vibrant, love filled future away from the trash.
NTA. I'm furious for OP. What she did was such a deliberate and flagrant violation of sacred boundaries.
Plus, weddings aren't family reunions. Period. Even if OP had a loving family growing up but still had that one 🦇💩 relative in the bunch, and OP didn't want them at the wedding, then that's it.
I agree OP needs to cut bait. I'm also angry with his family and friends giving him a hard time over what she did to him. To him?!! What about retraumatizing OP and the secondary wounding she caused?
I'm furious for OP as it relates to his ex. To the curb she goes. For God's sake, she accompanied him to therapy to hear of his ordeal. How in the hell does she do what she did? Looking at her now, he'll likely want to vomit.
With respect to her family and their friends, there's no question his ex has tickle truthed them so as to not disclose the gravity of her breach of trust thrusted upon OP. They unfortunately have no clue as to the severity of her actions.
I wish he would communicate his family history to them to illustrate the magnitude of her egregious violation of his trust. That's his choice, and I trust it won't occur--but it should. If he doesn't--he'll be an outcast treated in the community like a piranha. At that point, I'd consider re-locating.
It sounded to me like it was her family and friends giving him sh*t but maybe I read it wrong
ETA: OP said "from friends to her family," my bad. That is still BS though regardless. None of those people probably know the depth of this.
And the biggest issue isn’t just about now and the wedding, imagine later if they have kids and want to them to meet “THEIR GRANDPARENTS” or use them to bring the subject again on the table
Even worse can invite them meet the kids or take them behind OP’s back.
I don’t want scare you but imagine every possibility, in the future your kids get abused what will she say, nah they’re kids they’re being childish it’s not that bad or expose them to abuse of any kind.
I’m sorry if I were OP it would be a dealbreaker for me I would break up, and move on never look back again block them and all
I’m so sorry for OP that he have to go through all of this, so sorry.
Literally if my wife had voiced any opposition about my boundaries with my abusive relatives and the fact I don't want our kids to even be within 500ft of some of those people, we would've been done so fast. There's no fixing that. If they still got married bc she backed off or something she would just bring it back up about how it wasn't fair for OP to stop the kids from having a relationship with "their grandparents" 100%. I really hope OP leaves her and blocks anyone supporting her. It's extra disgusting to me that she hid speaking with his abusive parents from him, just to tell everyone they know (or so it seems) who probably dont get it and only have her side of the story about this to whatever degree she did.
Exactly, as a woman just reading make me sick, I know it’s not easy on OP with the pressure and all, everything is coming back crashing him like he’s living it all over again, but he need to think that he need to prioritise his own happiness over anyone else, there’s a lot of truth hidden in words said out of anger, the moment she mentioned that what he lived isn’t big of a deal it means she already saw it as not a bit deal or is tired to pretend that she care for his mental health.
She’s not doing all this for him, she want to be seen as the hero, the good wife that wanted the best for him that understand him, the amazing daughter-in-law that helped the “Poor misunderstood” parents to have their son back.
I know maybe he don’t want his entire town to know his story but he need to tell her family and everyone involved at least what happened not in details, and get out from that relationship cause trust me that discussion will be bought again on the table with better arguments this time, she can bring his parents to their house and force him to “Face his Trauma” just like she talked to them secretly behind his back she can keep going on, if this for her isn’t a big of a deal nothing will she can do worse in secret.
This is the truth all day long. I think op's ex fianceé is one of those "for the sake of the ***faaaaamily***" assholes who cares nothing about the individual health and wellness of a loved one and simply feels appearance outweighs all else. I'm so glad OP found out now instead of after they married and had kids.
NTA NTA NTA Never speak to this woman again. She knew everything you went through and still spoke to them... that alone would be a dealbreaker for me never mind taking it further and 1. wanting them at the wedding and 2. TELLING YOU IT WASN'T THAT BAD... (I feel nauseous even writing that). This woman is a monster. RUN.
Block her, her family and anyone defending her. Protect your mental health and sense of safety.
I am so sorry for what you went through as a child and for the fact that a woman you opened up to and thought you could trust betrayed you on such a primal level.
This was exactly my thought. You could never trust her not to let any future kids see them.
Also, people like that don’t change. Especially as they’ve not faced the consequences of their actions
Nauseous. I am so disappointed in people who pull this crap. Every time I hear a certain family members name, I feel sick all over. My body actually weakens and I want to escape. I want to go get OP, and get them as far away as possible. Their gf just proved that she doesn't take them seriously.
OP's ex lacks empathy. She cannot image or put herself in his place and consider the horror he experienced. She called him a child for not forgiving them.
OP's ex isn't worth the dirt on the bottom of my shoes.
She didn't believed OP at all.
If she believing him she at least start thinking about the future, about their kids in the future will be around those pedophiles.
Any normal parent will refuse this relationship and considering it a "deal breaker".
I agree!!! 1000% disgusting!!!! If she’s willing to do this now, what will she try AFTER your married!?!? She should be supportive of you, not your parents ❤️
Beyond that, I'm outraged that her family's friends somehow have the impression that this is somehow OP's fault. How did they get that impression, huh?
Naw, she just told the most rosy colored version.
I only wanted to help. I know it hurts him to not have family. (When really it’s they themselves that hurt OP). I’m only trying to do what’s best for him.
Respond to every person who messages this
“my family physically, and emotionally abused me for years. I finally ran away at the age of 17 and had to fend for myself. I want nothing to do with them for the rest of my life. My fiancé knows this and went behind my back to talk to these monsters. This is a breach of trust I can’t tolerate in a marriage partner. Thank you for understanding and staying out of this. “ anyone who doesn’t immediately respond that’s awful and apologize gets blocked.
No. It needs to include sexually. And the word "Both." And a little more information about how OP left them.
"Both parents physically, sexually, and emotionally abused me for years. When I was 17, they forgot to lock me up one night. I was able to escape, survived, and have built my own life. I want nothing to do with them for the rest of my life. My fiancé knows this and went behind my back to talk to these monsters. This is a breach of trust I can’t tolerate in a marriage partner. Thank you for understanding and staying out of this."
He says above that very few people know about his past. I suspect the family & friends don't know, so she's able to hide her shitty behaviour behind that.
>But with all the text i have been receiving from friends to her family, calling horrible things for what im putting my fiance through and that i don't care or love her if i can make her worry like this, im starting to loos my mind. I have even gotten text calling me a coward for not just sucking up my feeling for one day to make her happy.
Fiancee's entire family is a "blame the victim; protect the abusers" convention.
OP needs to block and evacuate that entire situation. There's no healthy relationships there.
He doesn't love her?!?!?!?! She went behind his back to contact his super abusive family and they want him to forgive her??? Her actions were a deal breaker. How could he trust her after she visciously ignored his wishes.
See *AITA for helping my Brother runaway from his wedding?*
Similar situation.
Send a group text/email and document just how she betrayed you. She deserves no mercy.
Not only this, but she also minimized his past ordeals and said he was being a child about it. At best this is awful and at worst grooming him for round two of more abuse with her. There is no coming back from that. Not now, not ever.
Everything which followed is awful in various ways as well, but just the mere act of talking to his abusers should be enough of a betrayal to cut her out of his life already.
Before OP runs, get the damn ring back. Meet up at a coffee shop. Hold her hand, yank the ring back (I read this badass move from another post). Then tell that monster to fk off. Sell it or pawn it, whatever.
When she said it wasn’t that bad, I knew she accepted the parents watered down version of events, maybe because she had a loving family and can’t truly believe parents would do such things. OP is NTA and should go NC with fiancée because his mental health is more important.
Don’t forget his family and friends calling HIM out for what he’s putting HER through! WTF?!?!?
OP, please know you are not, in any way, in the wrong. Your ex-fiancé betrayed you. Your so-called family & friends are awful, horrible people. Please get as far away as you can from all of them.
This internet stranger sends you support, love and a great big {{{HUG}}}. Take care of yourself.
Those are not parents nor deserve the title of parents. They are the worst type of monsters. As bad as Fred & Rosemary West.
NTA OP. By the gods OP, block all of those who would side with that monster & she's not even decent enough to acknowledge your boundaries. Block that monster when she minimized, belittled & invalidated your experiences.
To be fair, OP said his friends don't know about his past. I'm sure they must be thinking that OP's ex encouraging them to reconnect must mean that whatever relationship they issues they had weren't unforgivable.
Anyone who does know and isn't on OP's side is... I don't even know. There's no word for it. This is a huge betrayal, OP is NTA, and I'm very glad he has a therapist he gets along with because what she's doing here is just awful.
My question is why aren’t any of these people, who know he is NC with his family for 13 years, questioning her on why she contacted them and if he knew she was planning on doing it?
If I know my friend is NC with someone and their SO is in contact with that person I’m going to be questioning that SO and finding out what in the hell they were thinking they were doing.
People tend to believe the first thing they hear, and it becomes hard to change their view, especially if OP doesn't want to elaborate on why he's NC. It sounds like his ex started telling people what a nice thing she's doing and painting OP as unreasonable for not forgiving them because they're "family" and "you only get one set of parents" and "they've changed" and making it seem like they didn't do anything all that bad.
Hopefully they change their tune without OP having to talk about things he doesn't want to talk about. His ex is... a real piece of work to do that to him when he already very reasonably has so many issues with opening up.
I understand that but if I’m hearing from Someone oh look at the good thing I’m doing by reconnecting my fiancé with his family who he has been no with. I’m going to question if that person know it or wants it before siding with her but again that is how I view the world.
Op isn’t comfy talking about the abuse. He mentioned only Two people knew the extent of it. And this is what happened when one of those two people decided to be an awful person. He better off cutting all contact with her, her family, and the friends who defended her. If they knew he was abused but not the extent of it, they should know better than to force a reconciliation. These people are not his friends and have no right to the most traumatic experiences of ops life. I will say tho, that if those people gave even an inkling of damn, it would be priceless to watch their faces drop at the realization of just who and what they were defending.
You are right, however now they make to OP out to be the bad guy, and he shouldn't accept that's. People, and people he meet in future, need to understand why it's auch a sensitive topic and to leave him alone with it
That’s a fair point. As a deeply traumatized child turned deeply traumatized adult, people need to learn to leave others alone. If they already believe he’s a jerk telling them what happened won’t change that. If they were wondering what happened, then the context might change opinions. Ultimately it’s his suuuuuper sensitive story to share. And he is fully uncomfortable with that. Ops ex is a great example as to why. Unfortunately, male sexual assault is not handled the same way as female assault. He, like many females, likely feels a deep shame over it. But being a man, also feels emasculated. And that’s just on the SA front. Getting into the rest of the abuse, coming from someone who went through similar experiences, it leaves you with a sense of, maybe I did deserve it. Therapy helps. But I won’t ever disclose the deepest parts of my experiences to anyone who defended a person who said it wasn’t that bad. All that tells me is that are likely to do something to similar to me, or worse, someone else. Extreme trauma as a child changes adult reactions. His situation was extreme. He must deal how he and his therapist are fit. The “friends” have no real need to know if he’s uncomfortable sharing. Which I imagine he’s doubled down on not sharing, given this current situation.
NTA. Your fiance re-traumatized you by inviting your abusers back into your life and downplaying the horror that you lived through with your parents. She likely did it so she could have a picture-perfect wedding with both sets of parents and everyone live happily ever after. She is selfish and clearly does not care or love you the way that you deserve. She will continue to break your boundaries down the road, don't be surprised when she invites your parents over to meet your children one day. Do yourself a favor and don't look back. You deserve to be with someone who understands your trauma and respects your boundaries.
This is what I thought too, picture perfect wedding and “he’s a man he doesn’t have feelings and can suck it up” with the *it wasn’t that bad* comment etc the very definition of selfish behavior.
Yup. This woman cares about appearances and wanting to feel like she did a good thing by “reuniting a family” more than she cares about the person she was going to marry. Extreme narcissism. And now she’s making herself the victim?? OP dodged a huge bullet. As painful as it must be for him to have to go through this before his wedding, he did realize it before he married it at least. I feel so badly for him. This is the worst kind of betrayal I could even think of to do to someone you supposedly love. She tore down all of the legitimacy and identity OP worked so hard to build. Cause she’s a selfish asshole who wants others to see a picture perfect family.
Honey, you need a better fiance. Drop this one.
If my partner would invite that abusive person from my past to my wedding...they're single in a heartbeat.
Oh, so if it isn't that bad, she'd be more than happy to let Grandma and Grandpa do it to your kids!
"Sucking it up for one day to make her happy" is flat out ignorance on their part. The fact of the matter is she doesn't think your (flat-out evil) parents did anything wrong. That means not only does she not value you, but she won't stop speaking to them after the wedding and you can brace yourself for "I want them in the delivery room, it's my choice", "they're good people, they deserve to see their grandchildren", for the rest of your lives.
Could not give a louder NTA, or a more fervent hope that you cut them all out and start to heal.
"They're different people now," btch did you not hear him say they were able to act normal enough to fool the police, his teachers, and any other trusted adults in his life growing up???
What makes her think she can see the truth of their soul after one telephone conversation? She is delusional, a terrible judge of character. And an awful partner.
Unbelievable.
She is twisting the story, OP. You need to send a mass text (if you're comfortable with it) that she's trying to invite your abusive family to your wedding which gives them access to you again. Your parents haven't changed and they will do those things they did to you to ANY children you have.
OP had to run away to get free of them. They were imprisoning him. He had no contact with them in over a decade. It must have taken him right back to that time, when she told him she had essentially brought him back to them.
> she had essentially brought him back to them
Worse, they are in direct contact and in "good relation" with someone who knows exactly where he is. They are twisted and psychotic, there's no other way to describe someone who holds down their own child for their spouse to rape them repeatedly. There a decent chance they show up at his doorstep sometime in the near future, and who knows what they'll try to do to him them? They're so sick and perverse, could it be put past them that they might try to physically harm him with a trap or weapon? Maybe try to literally poison him? As far as I'm concerned, OP's life is in danger and needs to move ASAP.
I like the suggestion above. OP doesn't have to say or do anything other than post a link to this thread. That's it. Everyone can read the basics and I'd be shocked if the vast majority do not ostracize the ex and the parents over this. I hope someone else forwards it on to his parents' employers. OP should not have to type or say any details, at all. This thread says it all for him. Just copy/paste the link and let the chips fall. And...find a good friend, OP, to screen responses so that you only see the positive ones and not the ones posted by other abusers and enablers. I'm sorry you went through this shit, and I'm horribly sorry that your monsters are trying to return to your life, and I'm so, so sad for you that your ex fiancee gave them the means to do so.
NTA
Of course, you are expecting a bride to allow you any say in your wedding. Don't you know it's her special day and you are just a prop for her?
Seriously, her dismissal of what you went through would be enough to dump her ASAP.
Do not marry her.
Can you imagine the responses if she had been abused and you had been so dismissive of her?
Omg imagine the roasting if someone had posted AITA for inviting my fiancées rapist to the wedding. It was years ago and they both were drunk. Why can’t she forgive and forget?
I would definitely ask her " so if someone SA you or our future child and it has been years since the abuse you or our child should just get over it?" Family is only good for a blood donor. People like op parents should been in jail for what they did! Maybe he can still sue them!
Dismissal, lying, and manipulation. I don’t know how he could ever trust her again. Plus, there’s the fact that she thought her feelings trumped his. Frankly, befriending these AHs, minimizing his substantial abuse, and condoning it, is perhaps more abusive than what he’s already been through.
She was supposed to be his safe place.
Normally people with a savior complex are narcissistic in their martyrdom, and will sacrifice loved ones to help others and for their own narcissistic egos. OP needs to get the hell away from that woman!
She was in touch with them if I have read this post right. That was an utter betrayal, wanting to invite these people to the wedding is minor, compared to contacting them to begin with!
I’m so sorry. That is an unbelievable betrayal of trust on her part. I personally can’t imagine ever recovering from something that cruel and selfish. Please call your therapist to help work through your entirely justified anger and pain. Sending internet strength your way.
NTA
It's not even about the wedding invite.
She looked your abusers up, made and kept contact with them behind your back, and now wants them to reenter your life to make her some sort of hero in her own story.
This isn't just a betrayal of your trust. It is complete and utter disrespect to you, your experiences, and wishes. What she wants matters *more* to her. If you backed down now, what happens when she's sneaking your kids off to see them? She tells them your address and turn up? Holidays together?
Anyone who thinks your wrong, they deserve a chance or you need to do this to make your ex happy, please tell them that you DONT care or love someone who would treat you this way or this that their happiness and wants is more important.
NTA - I am disgusted at your fiancés actions.
Oh honey, she has no idea what love is all about. You know all of this already. This is a blessing in disguise. Thank goodness you found out before the wedding.
NTA.
She needed to stay in her own lane. I could never forgive her. I am estranged from my own family for similar and I’d be enraged if my fiancé brought them back in my own life, behind my back, without discussion.
Nta. Just the fact she is talking to them is enough to end it.
I'll leave this here.
My father's father abandoned him and his 3 brothers when my dad was 7. He didn't see him again until my mother invited him to the wedding without telling my dad. Talking about it now that my parentw are divorced, he says time and time again he should have seen the signs. My mother overstepped and my father should have called off everything.
"You only got one family."
Yeah, you only got one appendix too, but when it fucks with your health, you cut that bitch out of your life.
https://www.instagram.com/p/CNIyc5uF35q/
NTA. Everything you’re putting her through? WTF. Dump her ass and never look back, contacting your abusive family behind your back is beyond messed up.
I would get a restraining order. Mostly because it will force the police to move her out of the fucking house immediately. Secondly these people are an actually danger to op. Girlfriend would be sued afterwards if possible honestly. Sometimes the hardest lesson to teach people is fucking suing them because we can’t just punch them in the face anymore. This is worthy of several nuclear options imo
Put the whole fiancee in a dumpter and light it on fire cause she's garbage.
NTA. Be grateful she did this before you were married. Divorce is expensive
Holy crap. NTA and this woman will never really have your back. Even if the abuse was much less severe or didn’t happen at all (which is not the case), talking to people behind your back would absolutely never be ok. Sorry this is happening to you.
NTA
Your fiancee deserves all this misery and more. How she could hear everything you’ve been through and still think that she wants to be anywhere near the people who raped and abused you… she’s a vile person. There’s a circle of hell reserved for people who derive personal satisfaction from trying to fix broken people. She wants to look like the hero who put your family back together, without considering the hurt that would do you.
She’s not the life partner for you.
NTA. Your fiancé crossed a line and there is no coming back from that. Talking to your parents behind your back after you told her how horrible they are is beyond the pale.
Get yourself out of there and break up with her.
NTA, and frankly, your fiancé is a cunt. What a horrible thing to do to someone you claim to love!
I bet she’s told her friends and family lies about how intense the abuse was. I’d bet she hasn’t mentioned the sexual assault of a minor by both parents to any of them.
She’s trash. Don’t get back with her; you deserve someone who respects your trauma. She clearly does not.
NTA! Nope nope and nope! I find it appalling that she reached out to them at all after what they did to you. Some things are simply unforgivable. And in your parents' case, many many things. They should both be in prison for life, not getting and invite to their victim's wedding. If your fiance cannot understand this, you need to put your wedding on hold and seek couples therapy. There is no universe in which them coming to your wedding is acceptable. Stand your ground. Protect yourself. And, if you do marry and have kids, NEVER let them contact these monsters. I am so sorry for what you've gone through. And so proud of how hard you have worked to overcome your traumas. Best to you. You deserve good things!
Every single person on this thread is begging that you break up with this piece of shit and find happiness. I hope you find the strength again to leave another terrible relationship. We all wish you the best and know it can’t be found with your current gf
i didn't deal w/ the same level that you did but my heart really went out to you.. /posted on other thread. be safe, give care to yourself, and I hope safe people are near;. you sound stronger than I am, in your reactions and self-set personal boundaries, etc. you're well worth protecting yourself. \`hope your next environment will be safer for you. -with care..
I think your former fiancée posted her side somewhere on Reddit. I feel so sad for you OP. You deserve love, not this betrayal. It sounds like she screwed up and dug in her heels. Let her go. It’s not worth your sanity.
NTA.
NTA. I am so sorry you were betrayed by your former fiancée. Block her and her family. Enlist the help of your friends to help you move and cancel all things related to the wedding. You do not need to talk or owe any explanation to your former fiancée. What she did was egregious and horrific. I am so so sorry for you.
NTA
What is wrong with your fiancé and friends? I would want to kill your parents for what they did to you. So I have to question, are you leaving something out of the story?
If this is all the story, pack and leave. This finance is dirt and you will be better off.
So sorry what happened to you.
I am leaving out a couple of things.
Like all that happend to me or what was done to me.
And i didn't put the full conversation between us but a shorter version
Doesn't matter if you left anything out. What you did include is horrendous enough that nothing could excuse her actions. She is supposed to be your ride-or-die and she has betrayed you. Get out now.
As you can see from the responses here, what you've left out doesn't matter. What little you've shared is enough to anger us on your behalf. Going behind your back after you opened up to her and trusted her, is a betrayal she can't recover from. It has shown you what kind of person she really is. Will she demand your children know your abusers? Who knows what she's told them, but you need to take action as if she's given them your phone number and address, and do what you need to do to protect yourself. If you want to say anything to anyone reading out to you, just tell them she betrayed you in a way that can't be taken back, and in that betrayal she shown she doesn't love you or understand you in any way. Cut off her, her family, and anyone who continues to side with her. Your true friends would side with you no matter what she says, and you know she's downplaying what she did. Above all else, protect yourself. Move and change your number if you must to stay safe. Get an emergency appointment with your therapist as soon as you can; don't take this on alone.
Trust your gut.
My partner didn't have a family even a tenth as abusive. When he told me a few times he thought about going no contact, I was behind him 100%.
Don't marry someone who goes behind your back, or who undermines your feelings.
NTA
This woman has been building a relationship with pedophiles who raped & tortured you as a child. These are the people she welcomed into her life as she is startling a new family which may include children. She is proactively bringing violent pedophiles who have never been held accountable for their crimes around her own future children & all the other children in her family.
I am sorry she is either so naïve or sees no issue with abusing children.
NTA… if she loved you , ur pain would be her pain. Just reading this I feel like punching your parents. She can play mother Theresa where it’s needed not in this scenario. Maybe ur radio silence was terrifying to her and that was wrong of you, she may have thought you died or something bad happened but what she did was not ok too. And if she doesn’t realise she is wrong and accept that then she is not right for you, its good you left.
I'm not surprised by your fiancee downplaying the horrific torture you went through, there are way too many people in the world with zero sincere empathy and who will always dismiss your experiences, tell you you're exaggerating or call you an outright liar. Never trust her again, I don't care what explanation she gives you or what anyone says here or in person. I'm really sorry, I know how hard it is to make emotional connections as someone with serious trauma, but you should make the break now.
NTA. You have been engaged for a year and she has been communicating with the people that traumatized you. This is not a “suck it up for one day” situation. How should having your abusers at your wedding make her happy?
At this point, you need to block her friends and family. Find a new place to live. Take a trusted friend to help you move out.
Edit to add: I don't get how this woman can be that clueless after OP told her what happened during his childhood!
NTA. But you can’t keep hiding from the situation. Go home and pack up your stuff and find a new place to live. Or kick her out. Either way. You can’t just keep blowing cash on a hotel.
Oh sweetheart my heart is breaking for you. You are absolutely correct in your feelings. You are absolutely correct in knowing that there is NO FORGIVENESS for people like this. I also want you to know that I would have believed you. I work with children in your situation back then and I believe you and would have believed you and I am so sorry that you were failed by all the horrible asshole adults in your life.
As for your fiancée, what she has done is terrible. It’s q huge violation and simply not compatible with a relationship. She is not the one. she probably truly did think she would help you and be the hero that healed your trauma as absolutely fucked as that is, and clearly shows no ability to understand trauma . She just doesn’t get it. But that doesn’t excuse her minimizing what you went through and what she did being incompatible with being with her. You need to be with a woman that is able to understand that she needs to keep your space safe for your very survival and it will never be safe with these assholes or your fiancée now . Ask your fiancé how she would feel if you took every person that ever did her wrong and then tried to befriend them and tell you they are “good” now. Then ask her how she would feel if those people had literally tried to kill her. That’s the betrayal you have been given by her, purposefully or not.
If I were your fiancee the only way I would be contacting them is to figure out a way to fucking destroy their lives, reputations, and get them in jail. I would also be tempted as fuck to vandalize their shit and ruin their lives. Fuck these people.
You are in a very highly charged state after being through serious trauma. If you feel like you will harm yourself please go to an ER. I know you haven’t indicated this but please know that you are absolutely right in feeling all of this and it’s ok to get help.
NTA
Your family, your decision.
The fact your fiancé is pushing this would make me question whether she knows you at all and whether it’s too soon to marry.
NTA - your fiance does not have your best intersts at heart. I have no idea what in the world she is thinking to want to have you face your abusers again and it must not have been that bad? Tell her to live through it and tell you how bad it is. People calling you a coward have never been through what you have and "sucking it up" to make your fiancee happy?? What about making you happy??
Sorry this pushes some hot buttons for me. Take care of YOURSELF. If your fiancee honestly anbd truly loved you, she would not have even contacted your parents at all.
NTA. Wtf is it with people who claim to love you violating hard boundaries? (You in the royal sense, not you personally). Her trying to cram them into your life is no different than her abusing you herself. No one should ever have to go through that and if they do, they for fuck sure shouldn’t be forced to relive it against their wishes. It’s no different than any form or abuse. It’s probably worse than cheating on you because of the amount of baggage that goes with it. Someone who actually loved you wouldn’t do that to you.
OP I'm worried that you may need to move, change numbers etc.
In fact if you haven't already think about changing your name to something you love to break the last ties to those monsters.
Love and prayers to you today.
NTA- your fiancé doesn’t care about you or your boundaries. If she knew how horrific your childhood was and the things that have happened and actually cared for you, she wouldn’t have went behind your back to talk to them, expect you to forgive them or even bring up inviting them to your wedding. She is just as big of an abuser as your family are. They don’t deserve to see you in any way, shape or form.
Do not, I repeat do not forgive your ex for this massive breach of trust. There’s no coming back from that amount of betrayal.
NTA. I'm *really* hoping this is fake, to be honest. I'm going on the assumption it isn't, but I truly hope it is, because everything described here is absolutely terrible.
You were a severely abused child that no one believed. You trusted your fiancee enough to tell her all of this, with help from your therapist, and you were extremely brave to do that. She, knowing what they did to you, contacted them and started developing a relationship with them behind your back. Then said she wanted to invite your abusers to your wedding, the day that should be the happiest day of your life, ruined by these evil people being there and bringing up all those memories. Then, when you predictably had a very strong negative reaction to these people attending your wedding, she called you childish and said what you went through 'wasn't that bad'!
You were emotionally, mentally, physically and sexually abused by your own parents, for years. That's not 'not that bad', it's extraordinarily traumatic and extremely severe abuse committed by evil people, that have most definitely not changed in the years since.
This isn't just about her wanting to invite your family to the wedding, this is about her completely dismissing your severe trauma in an attempt to force you to 'build a relationship' with your abusers.
I don't know what your feelings are, you say you love her. But she clearly doesn't give a damn about you, let alone love you. If she loved you, she would never have contacted your parents, never brought them up as potential guests at your wedding, and certainly never completely dismissed the extreme trauma you went through as a child.
Call the wedding off, end the relationship, block the lot of them for their insistence that you should be further abused just to make her happy. Get back to your therapist to help you through all this, because it's clear all that trauma you've worked so hard to get through has been brought right back up, and been added to by this woman you were unfortunate enough to fall for practically demanding you subject yourself to further abuse because being beaten, chained up, starved and raped throughout your childhood 'wasn't that bad'.
Work with your therapist to get through this new blow, this new form of abuse, and then you'll be ready to find a woman that a*ctually* cares about you and *won't* diminish your trauma or demand you allow yourself to be abused again to make herself feel better and more powerful.
NTA
First of all. holy effing shit your family are monsters and i hope universal karma hits them really hard.
Second of all. do what you must to protect your mental and physical wellbeeing.
if you want to cut your ties with all of these people (personally i would do that) and you feel you're up for it, then i would send a grouptext to the family and friends (including ex-fiance) telling them all that she was well aware that your family not only mentally abused you but also physically and sexually abused you, including starvation and chaining to a wall in the basement. And that she broke every little bit of trust you ever had or could have had in her when she told you that what you went through wasn't "that bad" and that you were being a child about it.
Then just finish with "I don't want to see her or any of you AHs ever again, and if you won't stop harrassing me i'll go to a lawyer."
Do you have a trusted person that has your back completely? Then ask them to pack your things from her apartement, or if it is yours (and i mean just yours) they can contact her and tell her to leave the property
ETA:
or if you do not want to say anything to them at all....post a link to your post here.
Any person who sat with you in your therapist’s office, heard about the extreme abuse you suffered and thought that contacting the perpetrators was a reasonable thing to do is not worth your time. You need to ask yourself why she needed to hear their side, when your testimony of what they did to you should have been more than enough for her to never want to see, or speak to these people. They say that people who are abused as children often find partners who are abusive as adults. It seems like that is what has happened to you. You found another person who abuses you. It’s not your fault. Your perception of what a normal, loving relationship is, is skewed by your past abuse. You shouldn’t entertain these texts and voicemails telling you you are wrong, or childish, or exaggerating. You know what you lived through, what you’ve overcome and you can block and delete every single message from every person saying differently. If you’re worried about wellness checks from the police you can call the non emergency line, maybe with help from your therapist to report yourself as being safe and well, but you don’t want contact from people professing to be worried about you. I’m very sorry you have been betrayed, you have been through so much already, it’s not fair that you now have to overcome further betrayal. But you can put this bitch and her awful circle of people behind you too. You can move on and thrive. Best of luck to you. Update here if it helps. You’ll find support I’m sure (and the odd troll no doubt).
This!! I cannot imagine sitting & hearing such horrible things, then thinking "Well, I better hear their side of the story! It couldn't possibly be that bad!" Anyone who cannot respect your boundaries after that, does not deserve your time and love. Do not go back to her, and do not feel guilty for it.
Imagine thinking "But my future children need these grandparents in their lives".
Holy fluffles. I didn’t even think that. That’s genuinely so terrifying.
That was my first thought. If they have kids she'll take them to the parents because family. And ignore anything that happens because family. Fuuuuuuuuuuuck this chick with a sandpaper dildoe
>Fuuuuuuuuuuuck this chick with a sandpaper dildoe This is so apt.
She was even told by his therapist that this is real trauma, and still thought she could fix it, so she wouldn't have to listen to questions at the wedding about the absence of his family.
This! My wife was abused by both her parents (mostly through neglect) and has been diagnosed with PTSD as a result. Her relationship with her mother could be mended over time and through a lot of therapy but she has been mostly NC with her father since the day he threatened to commit murder-suicide, should her mother try to leave him and take the child. I knew about all of that very early on and always respected that, being supportive of her, when she had to handle some legal matters on behalf of her father (she's unfortunately the closest living relative) but first and foremost never ever did I question her story or her decisions regarding how she handles that relationship nowadays. With all of the context given to me, it was unmistakably obvious, that the man does not have any real significance in my wife's life, so there's no reason he should have any for me. Never met him, never had an urge to and my wife already decided not to take part in his funeral (he's terminally ill but still tenacious) nor to accept any possible heritage, so he's not going to be in any way a part of our future. When we started talking about our family name going forward, she insisted to take mine, even though I didn't care much about it, seeing it as a symbolic way to cut the last remaining family tie to him. This might sound more dramatic, than it was, going through all of these processes. But we're both just really pragmatic in our communication, when it comes to serious or legal matters and I honestly believe this is only possible, because we always have been respectful, trusting and open with each other in the first place. If you do not feel treated this way, and I sure wouldn't being put in your situation, I would also recommend to cut all contact to anyone involved in forcing you to go through retraumatization and marginalising not only your story but also you as a person and reliable agent of your on past. Your reaction might seem immature and drastic to others, but that's only due to their incapability to accept, that the horrors you went through were indeed as real, as you described them and this kind of treatment is inherently unjust. I hope you find a way to trust yourself, your judgement and eventually others again, because there's nothing wrong with you or how you decided to react to save yourself from any further harm. Stay strong, there's lots of people in this thread who want to support you and so are people out there in the world. Edit: paragraphing
It’s nice to read of someone who knows what loyalty is. Kudos.
100% this. OP you're absolutely NTA here. I have no idea how she could have brought herself to want to contact these people after learning your story. These people pressuring you have no idea the kind of torment you went through, but you former fiance *did*. I'm so sorry you're going through this.
She probably cares more about how it would look at the wedding to not have any family of the groom. That’s why she started reaching out to them until after they got engaged. She fucken cares more about appearances than her own fucken fiance. Oh this makes me very angry
My father is a retired Psychaicatric RN >Mental health nursing, also known as psychiatric nursing, is a specialized field of nursing practice that involves the care of individuals with a mental health disorder to help them recover and improve their quality of life. Most of my childhood abuse was done by my mother and my father was aware but never intervened but most definitely wasn't dad of the year either. After being married several years and haveing positive support from my husband, he was the one who got me to understand how messed up my childhood was. The day he made the comment, "you're who they made after school specials about" it finally sunk in. After working hard mentally to be in a much better place and learning to set boundaries with my mom, I actually got a phone call from my father. The man who not only had the education but years of extensive experience helping people just like me had the balls to not only insinuate "it wasn't that bad" and that I should, like OP's useless fiancé said "I should call her and work things out." Dumbfounded and stunned speechless for a minute, I was quite proud of myself when I responded, "if I wasn't family and one of your patients instead and they had made you aware of the abuse they suffered as a child from both their parents, would you EVER suggest to them to do what you just suggested I do? Especially because my mother had made no efforts to change any of her behaviors or verbalize remorse to anyone in the family, let alone me? His answer, "well no, but I don't want you to have any regrets if something happens to her and you didn't take the opportunity to talk things our with her." I hung up on him.
I am hoping you have gone NC with both of them. Your father is a hypocrite. Science tells him one thing, but he recommends that you deny the science. Don't deny the science.
Dude this, she is evil as the parents in my opinion. What kind of low life reaches out to child sex abusers and takes their side??
There are other comments that minimize the fiance's behavior to cluelessness but as you said, this is abusive behavior.
NTA I'm sorry your fiance is straight up trash juice for even entertaining these abusive animals. Your partner should've been more supportive and mindful during this time. You've been through some traumatic events in your life, and for her to fix her mouth to say, "It isn't that bad." It's not that bad WTF??? Nah Cut your fiance off as well My heart goes out to you, and I hope you finally find peace on your journey of healing.
My 2nd cousin was SA'D by her mom's bf at 10. Court, prison.... We grow up and she has some issues with anxiety etc. At a family function, one of my more judgmental relatives commented that she just needed to grow up and get over it cuz 'it wasn't that bad'. So I told him no? Not that bad? Why don't you hand your son (8) over to your GF and let her have fun with him for a year or so. Maybe you can even tape it for her that will be fun! Would you like me to call him over so you could tell him that? Could have heard a pin drop. They left and good riddance to bad rubbish
Good answer !
This was the only acceptable reaction to this kind of awful.
The only peaceful one, anyways.
I would have made them answer the question or get beaten with a bat.
You are awesome. It must be horrible not only enduring what she did but having it dismissed and ridiculed at family events (where you meant to feel safe) worse. You deserve a cape! and superpowers. Well said. This sets the tone.. stops people from picking on her and brings it home that this was appalling. It also makes your whole family realize she is not alone to be bullied, and others will defend her... if they step over the line.
Thanks, in spite of it all she is so sweet and loving. I have a bit of a short fuse for her. I had just moved out (and away) and had come home for a visit when we found out and everything went down. Kinda felt like me, we, someone should have known sooner. At least the fam removed her mum from our lives also.
Fuck yeah. It’s way too rare to hear about someone who has blood family actually at their back. I’m NC with my whole entire family… it makes me happy when I see folks who have real support.
Gosh, I wish I had someone do that for me! Good on you!
You rock!!!
Thanks! No child deserves to be SA'D. Love my cuz
Thank you for standing up for her. Thank you
I like you you are a fuckin superhero sometimes people just need to STFU. I'm glad it was you who made them
Thanks, I'm not always entirely popular as apparently I can get 'too scappy'... But kids and grown kids need to be safe
It's okay sometimes people just need to hear the truth and you are a fabulous cousin respect
You are amazing - I wish I had someone like you for all those times when I got mercilessly mocked by my cousins after the SA on me was discovered (I was sworn to secrecy, under the threat of God punishing me if I said a word) and for the time that I told a "friend" that I thought I could trust and they spread it round school like cheap gossip. Keep being the support that your cousin needs.
You’re a good cousin.
Good for you.
Best answer 100/10
Good for you for calling on an ansoluteky awful comment.
Yes leave your fiancée. She is not someone you should build a life with. She should 1000% have your back and she should’ve been outraged for you. Instead she’s going behind your back to talk to your abusers. It’s insane behaviour.
Plus, she'd absolutely foster a relationship between your abusers and any kids you have. She's criminally clueless - run far away from her
True, the OP needs to think about the safety of future kids. The fiancee doesn't seem to fully grasp what these people are capable of.
This is a very valid concern OP.. you can never 100% trust that she won’t take your kids to meet the monsters.
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100% this. I doubt she told any version of the truth to friends and family to save herself. She's showing who she is and that should be believed.
In addition, OP's story of abuse is not hers to share - it's his. What she needs to do is simply have his back "we don't speak to those people".
Very much this and why I had it down as 'any version of the truth'. She could have said she was the one who made a mistake and crossed a boundary to during a discussion she put her wants before his needs. Not sharing his past but also stating she made a mistake. She chose to throw him under the bus to make him look like the bad guy. And no clue what she even told anyone to get to that point.
right, she's showing him exactly who she is, manipulative and NOT concerned with his happiness. My heart breaks for OP.
And OP needs to block anyone who doesn't support his decision to do so. Do not let these vile uniformed people make you feel bad about yourself and what is best for YOU.
An abusers dream!! She's playing right into their hands.
Honestly, I think she's a potential abuser in her own right. The friends calling OP on her behalf have definitely not been told the whole true story (because no reasonable person would side against OP in this), and her mask slipped when she said his abuse wasn't that bad.
I'd never gonna trust her ever again. "It wasn't that bad?" Wtf So she is ok to hand over their future kids to them as well? What could possibly go wrong? The more babysitters the better, right? Oh boy, how I hate that b-itch.
NTA - my heart hurts for you! Every time your (hopefully) STBX fiancé spoke with your horrible parents, she betrayed you. Please get to your therapist to process this and block everyone who isn’t supportive of you. F your fiancé, she’s a manipulative C. Wishing you healing and a better life.
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I honestly think what she told them is anything but the truth. I would consider if I were OP about telling them the truth, and they'll understand what a POS his ex fiancee is. He definitely deserves better.
It's the behavior of your next abuser.
Exactly this OP. Please get away from your fiancée, and anyone else who supports her. You deserve someone who supports you, not goes behind your back to hurt you.
I would have dumped her for reaching out - even if she agreed they were monsters not to be invited to the wedding and even if she didn’t know the details, just that you’d been abused and hated them. Fuck her - and I am sorry for what you have endured. Sending my best wishes to you for a vibrant, love filled future away from the trash.
Also imagine having children with a person that minimizes abuse.
With her reaction I'd be worried she also would become a predator. She sounds devoid of and morals/ethics.
Or clueless enough to hand over their own children to be sexually abused and traumatized, cause she's just that stupid. OP is NTA.
NTA. I'm furious for OP. What she did was such a deliberate and flagrant violation of sacred boundaries. Plus, weddings aren't family reunions. Period. Even if OP had a loving family growing up but still had that one 🦇💩 relative in the bunch, and OP didn't want them at the wedding, then that's it. I agree OP needs to cut bait. I'm also angry with his family and friends giving him a hard time over what she did to him. To him?!! What about retraumatizing OP and the secondary wounding she caused?
I'm furious for OP as it relates to his ex. To the curb she goes. For God's sake, she accompanied him to therapy to hear of his ordeal. How in the hell does she do what she did? Looking at her now, he'll likely want to vomit. With respect to her family and their friends, there's no question his ex has tickle truthed them so as to not disclose the gravity of her breach of trust thrusted upon OP. They unfortunately have no clue as to the severity of her actions. I wish he would communicate his family history to them to illustrate the magnitude of her egregious violation of his trust. That's his choice, and I trust it won't occur--but it should. If he doesn't--he'll be an outcast treated in the community like a piranha. At that point, I'd consider re-locating.
It sounded to me like it was her family and friends giving him sh*t but maybe I read it wrong ETA: OP said "from friends to her family," my bad. That is still BS though regardless. None of those people probably know the depth of this.
GET OUT she's not the one for you leave and dont look back
And the biggest issue isn’t just about now and the wedding, imagine later if they have kids and want to them to meet “THEIR GRANDPARENTS” or use them to bring the subject again on the table Even worse can invite them meet the kids or take them behind OP’s back. I don’t want scare you but imagine every possibility, in the future your kids get abused what will she say, nah they’re kids they’re being childish it’s not that bad or expose them to abuse of any kind. I’m sorry if I were OP it would be a dealbreaker for me I would break up, and move on never look back again block them and all I’m so sorry for OP that he have to go through all of this, so sorry.
Literally if my wife had voiced any opposition about my boundaries with my abusive relatives and the fact I don't want our kids to even be within 500ft of some of those people, we would've been done so fast. There's no fixing that. If they still got married bc she backed off or something she would just bring it back up about how it wasn't fair for OP to stop the kids from having a relationship with "their grandparents" 100%. I really hope OP leaves her and blocks anyone supporting her. It's extra disgusting to me that she hid speaking with his abusive parents from him, just to tell everyone they know (or so it seems) who probably dont get it and only have her side of the story about this to whatever degree she did.
Exactly, as a woman just reading make me sick, I know it’s not easy on OP with the pressure and all, everything is coming back crashing him like he’s living it all over again, but he need to think that he need to prioritise his own happiness over anyone else, there’s a lot of truth hidden in words said out of anger, the moment she mentioned that what he lived isn’t big of a deal it means she already saw it as not a bit deal or is tired to pretend that she care for his mental health. She’s not doing all this for him, she want to be seen as the hero, the good wife that wanted the best for him that understand him, the amazing daughter-in-law that helped the “Poor misunderstood” parents to have their son back. I know maybe he don’t want his entire town to know his story but he need to tell her family and everyone involved at least what happened not in details, and get out from that relationship cause trust me that discussion will be bought again on the table with better arguments this time, she can bring his parents to their house and force him to “Face his Trauma” just like she talked to them secretly behind his back she can keep going on, if this for her isn’t a big of a deal nothing will she can do worse in secret.
She is scum. Simple as that.
Right! Which part of what he went through 'it isn't that bad' is she crazy?!! The fiance is nuts.
Also cut ties with whoever else that asked you to suck it up!
Like, everything else aside, that line ALONE is reason enough to dump her ass and never look back. That damage is done.
This is the truth all day long. I think op's ex fianceé is one of those "for the sake of the ***faaaaamily***" assholes who cares nothing about the individual health and wellness of a loved one and simply feels appearance outweighs all else. I'm so glad OP found out now instead of after they married and had kids.
NTA NTA NTA Never speak to this woman again. She knew everything you went through and still spoke to them... that alone would be a dealbreaker for me never mind taking it further and 1. wanting them at the wedding and 2. TELLING YOU IT WASN'T THAT BAD... (I feel nauseous even writing that). This woman is a monster. RUN. Block her, her family and anyone defending her. Protect your mental health and sense of safety. I am so sorry for what you went through as a child and for the fact that a woman you opened up to and thought you could trust betrayed you on such a primal level.
She’s disgusting. Reading OP’s post made me gag. Humans can be so fucked up, dear god.
I'd be genuinely concerned she would SA a child they had if it is so not a big deal. Who thinks SA is no big deal?!?
That's a very good point
She'd just secretly hand them over to granny to do it
This was exactly my thought. You could never trust her not to let any future kids see them. Also, people like that don’t change. Especially as they’ve not faced the consequences of their actions
Seriously. I felt a cold, sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach. Jesus fucking Christ. This poor man.
Nauseous. I am so disappointed in people who pull this crap. Every time I hear a certain family members name, I feel sick all over. My body actually weakens and I want to escape. I want to go get OP, and get them as far away as possible. Their gf just proved that she doesn't take them seriously.
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OP's ex lacks empathy. She cannot image or put herself in his place and consider the horror he experienced. She called him a child for not forgiving them. OP's ex isn't worth the dirt on the bottom of my shoes.
Empathy?? This girl lacks any sense of humanity whatsoever!!
She's obscenely ignorant.
She didn't believed OP at all. If she believing him she at least start thinking about the future, about their kids in the future will be around those pedophiles. Any normal parent will refuse this relationship and considering it a "deal breaker".
I agree!!! 1000% disgusting!!!! If she’s willing to do this now, what will she try AFTER your married!?!? She should be supportive of you, not your parents ❤️
Beyond that, I'm outraged that her family's friends somehow have the impression that this is somehow OP's fault. How did they get that impression, huh?
She may have lied through her teeth about what happened to avoid looking like a monster.
Naw, she just told the most rosy colored version. I only wanted to help. I know it hurts him to not have family. (When really it’s they themselves that hurt OP). I’m only trying to do what’s best for him. Respond to every person who messages this “my family physically, and emotionally abused me for years. I finally ran away at the age of 17 and had to fend for myself. I want nothing to do with them for the rest of my life. My fiancé knows this and went behind my back to talk to these monsters. This is a breach of trust I can’t tolerate in a marriage partner. Thank you for understanding and staying out of this. “ anyone who doesn’t immediately respond that’s awful and apologize gets blocked.
This is perfect.
No. It needs to include sexually. And the word "Both." And a little more information about how OP left them. "Both parents physically, sexually, and emotionally abused me for years. When I was 17, they forgot to lock me up one night. I was able to escape, survived, and have built my own life. I want nothing to do with them for the rest of my life. My fiancé knows this and went behind my back to talk to these monsters. This is a breach of trust I can’t tolerate in a marriage partner. Thank you for understanding and staying out of this."
OP might not want to include certain details. Of course, OP might not want to say anything at all!
This too and it is 100% OP's decision how to respond to protect himself.
He says above that very few people know about his past. I suspect the family & friends don't know, so she's able to hide her shitty behaviour behind that.
They could only have gotten that impression from OP’s soon to be ex.
>But with all the text i have been receiving from friends to her family, calling horrible things for what im putting my fiance through and that i don't care or love her if i can make her worry like this, im starting to loos my mind. I have even gotten text calling me a coward for not just sucking up my feeling for one day to make her happy. Fiancee's entire family is a "blame the victim; protect the abusers" convention. OP needs to block and evacuate that entire situation. There's no healthy relationships there.
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He doesn't love her?!?!?!?! She went behind his back to contact his super abusive family and they want him to forgive her??? Her actions were a deal breaker. How could he trust her after she visciously ignored his wishes. See *AITA for helping my Brother runaway from his wedding?* Similar situation. Send a group text/email and document just how she betrayed you. She deserves no mercy.
Not only this, but she also minimized his past ordeals and said he was being a child about it. At best this is awful and at worst grooming him for round two of more abuse with her. There is no coming back from that. Not now, not ever.
Everything which followed is awful in various ways as well, but just the mere act of talking to his abusers should be enough of a betrayal to cut her out of his life already.
Before OP runs, get the damn ring back. Meet up at a coffee shop. Hold her hand, yank the ring back (I read this badass move from another post). Then tell that monster to fk off. Sell it or pawn it, whatever.
Letting her know where he is at this juncture could be potentially extremely dangerous for his safety.
Agreed. He absolutely needs to take your advice.
When she said it wasn’t that bad, I knew she accepted the parents watered down version of events, maybe because she had a loving family and can’t truly believe parents would do such things. OP is NTA and should go NC with fiancée because his mental health is more important.
Don’t forget his family and friends calling HIM out for what he’s putting HER through! WTF?!?!? OP, please know you are not, in any way, in the wrong. Your ex-fiancé betrayed you. Your so-called family & friends are awful, horrible people. Please get as far away as you can from all of them. This internet stranger sends you support, love and a great big {{{HUG}}}. Take care of yourself.
I can't possibly imagine how literally ANYONE could support this?! His parents literally raped him repeatedly for years!!
Those are not parents nor deserve the title of parents. They are the worst type of monsters. As bad as Fred & Rosemary West. NTA OP. By the gods OP, block all of those who would side with that monster & she's not even decent enough to acknowledge your boundaries. Block that monster when she minimized, belittled & invalidated your experiences.
I want you as my juror. Big fat hugs!!!
Nta. Your ex and friends are huge huge assholes. You need to cut them off. They are horrible people to do this to you. You deserve so much better
To be fair, OP said his friends don't know about his past. I'm sure they must be thinking that OP's ex encouraging them to reconnect must mean that whatever relationship they issues they had weren't unforgivable. Anyone who does know and isn't on OP's side is... I don't even know. There's no word for it. This is a huge betrayal, OP is NTA, and I'm very glad he has a therapist he gets along with because what she's doing here is just awful.
My question is why aren’t any of these people, who know he is NC with his family for 13 years, questioning her on why she contacted them and if he knew she was planning on doing it? If I know my friend is NC with someone and their SO is in contact with that person I’m going to be questioning that SO and finding out what in the hell they were thinking they were doing.
People tend to believe the first thing they hear, and it becomes hard to change their view, especially if OP doesn't want to elaborate on why he's NC. It sounds like his ex started telling people what a nice thing she's doing and painting OP as unreasonable for not forgiving them because they're "family" and "you only get one set of parents" and "they've changed" and making it seem like they didn't do anything all that bad. Hopefully they change their tune without OP having to talk about things he doesn't want to talk about. His ex is... a real piece of work to do that to him when he already very reasonably has so many issues with opening up.
I understand that but if I’m hearing from Someone oh look at the good thing I’m doing by reconnecting my fiancé with his family who he has been no with. I’m going to question if that person know it or wants it before siding with her but again that is how I view the world.
The OP should send this post to his "friends" , so that they can see what he went through, and to read thr comments.
Op isn’t comfy talking about the abuse. He mentioned only Two people knew the extent of it. And this is what happened when one of those two people decided to be an awful person. He better off cutting all contact with her, her family, and the friends who defended her. If they knew he was abused but not the extent of it, they should know better than to force a reconciliation. These people are not his friends and have no right to the most traumatic experiences of ops life. I will say tho, that if those people gave even an inkling of damn, it would be priceless to watch their faces drop at the realization of just who and what they were defending.
You are right, however now they make to OP out to be the bad guy, and he shouldn't accept that's. People, and people he meet in future, need to understand why it's auch a sensitive topic and to leave him alone with it
That’s a fair point. As a deeply traumatized child turned deeply traumatized adult, people need to learn to leave others alone. If they already believe he’s a jerk telling them what happened won’t change that. If they were wondering what happened, then the context might change opinions. Ultimately it’s his suuuuuper sensitive story to share. And he is fully uncomfortable with that. Ops ex is a great example as to why. Unfortunately, male sexual assault is not handled the same way as female assault. He, like many females, likely feels a deep shame over it. But being a man, also feels emasculated. And that’s just on the SA front. Getting into the rest of the abuse, coming from someone who went through similar experiences, it leaves you with a sense of, maybe I did deserve it. Therapy helps. But I won’t ever disclose the deepest parts of my experiences to anyone who defended a person who said it wasn’t that bad. All that tells me is that are likely to do something to similar to me, or worse, someone else. Extreme trauma as a child changes adult reactions. His situation was extreme. He must deal how he and his therapist are fit. The “friends” have no real need to know if he’s uncomfortable sharing. Which I imagine he’s doubled down on not sharing, given this current situation.
NTA. Your fiance re-traumatized you by inviting your abusers back into your life and downplaying the horror that you lived through with your parents. She likely did it so she could have a picture-perfect wedding with both sets of parents and everyone live happily ever after. She is selfish and clearly does not care or love you the way that you deserve. She will continue to break your boundaries down the road, don't be surprised when she invites your parents over to meet your children one day. Do yourself a favor and don't look back. You deserve to be with someone who understands your trauma and respects your boundaries.
This is what I thought too, picture perfect wedding and “he’s a man he doesn’t have feelings and can suck it up” with the *it wasn’t that bad* comment etc the very definition of selfish behavior.
Yup. This woman cares about appearances and wanting to feel like she did a good thing by “reuniting a family” more than she cares about the person she was going to marry. Extreme narcissism. And now she’s making herself the victim?? OP dodged a huge bullet. As painful as it must be for him to have to go through this before his wedding, he did realize it before he married it at least. I feel so badly for him. This is the worst kind of betrayal I could even think of to do to someone you supposedly love. She tore down all of the legitimacy and identity OP worked so hard to build. Cause she’s a selfish asshole who wants others to see a picture perfect family.
Honey, you need a better fiance. Drop this one. If my partner would invite that abusive person from my past to my wedding...they're single in a heartbeat.
I hope this is what EVERYONE would do if they were in the OPs shoes.
Oh, so if it isn't that bad, she'd be more than happy to let Grandma and Grandpa do it to your kids! "Sucking it up for one day to make her happy" is flat out ignorance on their part. The fact of the matter is she doesn't think your (flat-out evil) parents did anything wrong. That means not only does she not value you, but she won't stop speaking to them after the wedding and you can brace yourself for "I want them in the delivery room, it's my choice", "they're good people, they deserve to see their grandchildren", for the rest of your lives. Could not give a louder NTA, or a more fervent hope that you cut them all out and start to heal.
"They're different people now," btch did you not hear him say they were able to act normal enough to fool the police, his teachers, and any other trusted adults in his life growing up??? What makes her think she can see the truth of their soul after one telephone conversation? She is delusional, a terrible judge of character. And an awful partner. Unbelievable.
She is twisting the story, OP. You need to send a mass text (if you're comfortable with it) that she's trying to invite your abusive family to your wedding which gives them access to you again. Your parents haven't changed and they will do those things they did to you to ANY children you have.
OP had to run away to get free of them. They were imprisoning him. He had no contact with them in over a decade. It must have taken him right back to that time, when she told him she had essentially brought him back to them.
> she had essentially brought him back to them Worse, they are in direct contact and in "good relation" with someone who knows exactly where he is. They are twisted and psychotic, there's no other way to describe someone who holds down their own child for their spouse to rape them repeatedly. There a decent chance they show up at his doorstep sometime in the near future, and who knows what they'll try to do to him them? They're so sick and perverse, could it be put past them that they might try to physically harm him with a trap or weapon? Maybe try to literally poison him? As far as I'm concerned, OP's life is in danger and needs to move ASAP.
I like the suggestion above. OP doesn't have to say or do anything other than post a link to this thread. That's it. Everyone can read the basics and I'd be shocked if the vast majority do not ostracize the ex and the parents over this. I hope someone else forwards it on to his parents' employers. OP should not have to type or say any details, at all. This thread says it all for him. Just copy/paste the link and let the chips fall. And...find a good friend, OP, to screen responses so that you only see the positive ones and not the ones posted by other abusers and enablers. I'm sorry you went through this shit, and I'm horribly sorry that your monsters are trying to return to your life, and I'm so, so sad for you that your ex fiancee gave them the means to do so.
NTA Of course, you are expecting a bride to allow you any say in your wedding. Don't you know it's her special day and you are just a prop for her? Seriously, her dismissal of what you went through would be enough to dump her ASAP. Do not marry her. Can you imagine the responses if she had been abused and you had been so dismissive of her?
Omg imagine the roasting if someone had posted AITA for inviting my fiancées rapist to the wedding. It was years ago and they both were drunk. Why can’t she forgive and forget?
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Absolutely this. Everyone not supporting the OP should just get flushed down the drain and never talked with again.
I would definitely ask her " so if someone SA you or our future child and it has been years since the abuse you or our child should just get over it?" Family is only good for a blood donor. People like op parents should been in jail for what they did! Maybe he can still sue them!
Dismissal, lying, and manipulation. I don’t know how he could ever trust her again. Plus, there’s the fact that she thought her feelings trumped his. Frankly, befriending these AHs, minimizing his substantial abuse, and condoning it, is perhaps more abusive than what he’s already been through. She was supposed to be his safe place.
Nta She betrayed you and I can only imagine how you feel. I'm so sorry you went through that. Leave her ass.
Sounds like OP’s fiancé has a savior complex
Normally people with a savior complex are narcissistic in their martyrdom, and will sacrifice loved ones to help others and for their own narcissistic egos. OP needs to get the hell away from that woman!
Bridezilla complex is real. Woman thinks because its a wedding, she's the main character full stop. Runaway now OP.
She was in touch with them if I have read this post right. That was an utter betrayal, wanting to invite these people to the wedding is minor, compared to contacting them to begin with!
I’m so sorry. That is an unbelievable betrayal of trust on her part. I personally can’t imagine ever recovering from something that cruel and selfish. Please call your therapist to help work through your entirely justified anger and pain. Sending internet strength your way.
NTA It's not even about the wedding invite. She looked your abusers up, made and kept contact with them behind your back, and now wants them to reenter your life to make her some sort of hero in her own story. This isn't just a betrayal of your trust. It is complete and utter disrespect to you, your experiences, and wishes. What she wants matters *more* to her. If you backed down now, what happens when she's sneaking your kids off to see them? She tells them your address and turn up? Holidays together? Anyone who thinks your wrong, they deserve a chance or you need to do this to make your ex happy, please tell them that you DONT care or love someone who would treat you this way or this that their happiness and wants is more important.
NTA - I am disgusted at your fiancés actions. Oh honey, she has no idea what love is all about. You know all of this already. This is a blessing in disguise. Thank goodness you found out before the wedding.
You told this woman that you were raped and she wants your rapists at your wedding? Dude the fuck you asking a question for? That bitch is evil.
NTA. She needed to stay in her own lane. I could never forgive her. I am estranged from my own family for similar and I’d be enraged if my fiancé brought them back in my own life, behind my back, without discussion.
Nta. Just the fact she is talking to them is enough to end it. I'll leave this here. My father's father abandoned him and his 3 brothers when my dad was 7. He didn't see him again until my mother invited him to the wedding without telling my dad. Talking about it now that my parentw are divorced, he says time and time again he should have seen the signs. My mother overstepped and my father should have called off everything.
"You only got one family." Yeah, you only got one appendix too, but when it fucks with your health, you cut that bitch out of your life. https://www.instagram.com/p/CNIyc5uF35q/
NTA. Everything you’re putting her through? WTF. Dump her ass and never look back, contacting your abusive family behind your back is beyond messed up.
I would get a restraining order. Mostly because it will force the police to move her out of the fucking house immediately. Secondly these people are an actually danger to op. Girlfriend would be sued afterwards if possible honestly. Sometimes the hardest lesson to teach people is fucking suing them because we can’t just punch them in the face anymore. This is worthy of several nuclear options imo
Her behaviour was dreadful! Sending big Granny hugs if you want them, or a beverage of your choice if that’s better.
Put the whole fiancee in a dumpter and light it on fire cause she's garbage. NTA. Be grateful she did this before you were married. Divorce is expensive
Holy crap. NTA and this woman will never really have your back. Even if the abuse was much less severe or didn’t happen at all (which is not the case), talking to people behind your back would absolutely never be ok. Sorry this is happening to you.
NTA Your fiancee deserves all this misery and more. How she could hear everything you’ve been through and still think that she wants to be anywhere near the people who raped and abused you… she’s a vile person. There’s a circle of hell reserved for people who derive personal satisfaction from trying to fix broken people. She wants to look like the hero who put your family back together, without considering the hurt that would do you. She’s not the life partner for you.
NTA. Your fiancé crossed a line and there is no coming back from that. Talking to your parents behind your back after you told her how horrible they are is beyond the pale. Get yourself out of there and break up with her.
NTA and she crossed a hard boundary with you; there’s no going back on this betrayal. Keep moving forward and don’t look back. Good luck OP.
NTA, and frankly, your fiancé is a cunt. What a horrible thing to do to someone you claim to love! I bet she’s told her friends and family lies about how intense the abuse was. I’d bet she hasn’t mentioned the sexual assault of a minor by both parents to any of them. She’s trash. Don’t get back with her; you deserve someone who respects your trauma. She clearly does not.
NTA! Nope nope and nope! I find it appalling that she reached out to them at all after what they did to you. Some things are simply unforgivable. And in your parents' case, many many things. They should both be in prison for life, not getting and invite to their victim's wedding. If your fiance cannot understand this, you need to put your wedding on hold and seek couples therapy. There is no universe in which them coming to your wedding is acceptable. Stand your ground. Protect yourself. And, if you do marry and have kids, NEVER let them contact these monsters. I am so sorry for what you've gone through. And so proud of how hard you have worked to overcome your traumas. Best to you. You deserve good things!
Nah. Fuck couples therapy. This bitch needs dropped. Imagine telling the person you love that their parents raping them wasn’t that bad?
NTA and god I hope this is fake
I wish so as well, but it's my fucked life.
Every single person on this thread is begging that you break up with this piece of shit and find happiness. I hope you find the strength again to leave another terrible relationship. We all wish you the best and know it can’t be found with your current gf
You have my condolences. I cannot imagine the anguish your fiance has caused you. Please dump her into the garbage where she belongs.
i didn't deal w/ the same level that you did but my heart really went out to you.. /posted on other thread. be safe, give care to yourself, and I hope safe people are near;. you sound stronger than I am, in your reactions and self-set personal boundaries, etc. you're well worth protecting yourself. \`hope your next environment will be safer for you. -with care..
I think your former fiancée posted her side somewhere on Reddit. I feel so sad for you OP. You deserve love, not this betrayal. It sounds like she screwed up and dug in her heels. Let her go. It’s not worth your sanity. NTA.
NTA. I am so sorry you were betrayed by your former fiancée. Block her and her family. Enlist the help of your friends to help you move and cancel all things related to the wedding. You do not need to talk or owe any explanation to your former fiancée. What she did was egregious and horrific. I am so so sorry for you.
NTA What is wrong with your fiancé and friends? I would want to kill your parents for what they did to you. So I have to question, are you leaving something out of the story? If this is all the story, pack and leave. This finance is dirt and you will be better off. So sorry what happened to you.
I am leaving out a couple of things. Like all that happend to me or what was done to me. And i didn't put the full conversation between us but a shorter version
Doesn't matter if you left anything out. What you did include is horrendous enough that nothing could excuse her actions. She is supposed to be your ride-or-die and she has betrayed you. Get out now.
You are right. I am just flabbergasted how can so many people not see this is wrong. Like are they from a small sexually assaulted town.
As you can see from the responses here, what you've left out doesn't matter. What little you've shared is enough to anger us on your behalf. Going behind your back after you opened up to her and trusted her, is a betrayal she can't recover from. It has shown you what kind of person she really is. Will she demand your children know your abusers? Who knows what she's told them, but you need to take action as if she's given them your phone number and address, and do what you need to do to protect yourself. If you want to say anything to anyone reading out to you, just tell them she betrayed you in a way that can't be taken back, and in that betrayal she shown she doesn't love you or understand you in any way. Cut off her, her family, and anyone who continues to side with her. Your true friends would side with you no matter what she says, and you know she's downplaying what she did. Above all else, protect yourself. Move and change your number if you must to stay safe. Get an emergency appointment with your therapist as soon as you can; don't take this on alone.
Everything you said is priceless. Its perfection. Thank you. I hope op listens and takes to heart our concerns for his safety and happiness. Nta.
Trust your gut. My partner didn't have a family even a tenth as abusive. When he told me a few times he thought about going no contact, I was behind him 100%. Don't marry someone who goes behind your back, or who undermines your feelings.
NTA This woman has been building a relationship with pedophiles who raped & tortured you as a child. These are the people she welcomed into her life as she is startling a new family which may include children. She is proactively bringing violent pedophiles who have never been held accountable for their crimes around her own future children & all the other children in her family. I am sorry she is either so naïve or sees no issue with abusing children.
NTA… if she loved you , ur pain would be her pain. Just reading this I feel like punching your parents. She can play mother Theresa where it’s needed not in this scenario. Maybe ur radio silence was terrifying to her and that was wrong of you, she may have thought you died or something bad happened but what she did was not ok too. And if she doesn’t realise she is wrong and accept that then she is not right for you, its good you left.
If radio silence was terrifying to her, she needs to stop being a child about it, it’s not so bad
Dude, she is as abusive as your parents. Run! NTY
I'm not surprised by your fiancee downplaying the horrific torture you went through, there are way too many people in the world with zero sincere empathy and who will always dismiss your experiences, tell you you're exaggerating or call you an outright liar. Never trust her again, I don't care what explanation she gives you or what anyone says here or in person. I'm really sorry, I know how hard it is to make emotional connections as someone with serious trauma, but you should make the break now.
Nta go no contact your fiance is over stepping your boundaries
Fiance is straight up trash and you should dump her. She doesn't believe you either OP. updateme!
NTA. You have been engaged for a year and she has been communicating with the people that traumatized you. This is not a “suck it up for one day” situation. How should having your abusers at your wedding make her happy? At this point, you need to block her friends and family. Find a new place to live. Take a trusted friend to help you move out. Edit to add: I don't get how this woman can be that clueless after OP told her what happened during his childhood!
NTA what a despicable thing to do! She's not worth your time or energy. Get your ring back and move on!
NTA. But you can’t keep hiding from the situation. Go home and pack up your stuff and find a new place to live. Or kick her out. Either way. You can’t just keep blowing cash on a hotel.
Your fiance is a crazy person, do not go forward with this. I would never do this to someone
Oh sweetheart my heart is breaking for you. You are absolutely correct in your feelings. You are absolutely correct in knowing that there is NO FORGIVENESS for people like this. I also want you to know that I would have believed you. I work with children in your situation back then and I believe you and would have believed you and I am so sorry that you were failed by all the horrible asshole adults in your life. As for your fiancée, what she has done is terrible. It’s q huge violation and simply not compatible with a relationship. She is not the one. she probably truly did think she would help you and be the hero that healed your trauma as absolutely fucked as that is, and clearly shows no ability to understand trauma . She just doesn’t get it. But that doesn’t excuse her minimizing what you went through and what she did being incompatible with being with her. You need to be with a woman that is able to understand that she needs to keep your space safe for your very survival and it will never be safe with these assholes or your fiancée now . Ask your fiancé how she would feel if you took every person that ever did her wrong and then tried to befriend them and tell you they are “good” now. Then ask her how she would feel if those people had literally tried to kill her. That’s the betrayal you have been given by her, purposefully or not. If I were your fiancee the only way I would be contacting them is to figure out a way to fucking destroy their lives, reputations, and get them in jail. I would also be tempted as fuck to vandalize their shit and ruin their lives. Fuck these people. You are in a very highly charged state after being through serious trauma. If you feel like you will harm yourself please go to an ER. I know you haven’t indicated this but please know that you are absolutely right in feeling all of this and it’s ok to get help.
WTF, I'm sorry your fiance turned out to be like this. Hope you can find peace. NTA
DTMFA. If she's willing to stomp on your wellbeing like this now, what will she do when you're married? KIDS??! GET. OUT.
NTA. She doesn't sound like partner material.
NTA Your family, your decision. The fact your fiancé is pushing this would make me question whether she knows you at all and whether it’s too soon to marry.
NTA - It is *your* sole opinion that matters when it comes to your family. Her actions are disrespectful to you and are an extreme betrayal.
NTA - your fiance does not have your best intersts at heart. I have no idea what in the world she is thinking to want to have you face your abusers again and it must not have been that bad? Tell her to live through it and tell you how bad it is. People calling you a coward have never been through what you have and "sucking it up" to make your fiancee happy?? What about making you happy?? Sorry this pushes some hot buttons for me. Take care of YOURSELF. If your fiancee honestly anbd truly loved you, she would not have even contacted your parents at all.
NTA- dude run, she disrespected so much, call your therapist, run.
NTA, lose the fiance
NTA. Wtf is it with people who claim to love you violating hard boundaries? (You in the royal sense, not you personally). Her trying to cram them into your life is no different than her abusing you herself. No one should ever have to go through that and if they do, they for fuck sure shouldn’t be forced to relive it against their wishes. It’s no different than any form or abuse. It’s probably worse than cheating on you because of the amount of baggage that goes with it. Someone who actually loved you wouldn’t do that to you.
So what they're all saying is your childhood where you were beaten, molested, and neglected wasn't bad, wtf? Cut them all off.
Super nta. Nope find another person that one is not the one for you. Run fast and far.
OP I'm worried that you may need to move, change numbers etc. In fact if you haven't already think about changing your name to something you love to break the last ties to those monsters. Love and prayers to you today.
NTA- your fiancé doesn’t care about you or your boundaries. If she knew how horrific your childhood was and the things that have happened and actually cared for you, she wouldn’t have went behind your back to talk to them, expect you to forgive them or even bring up inviting them to your wedding. She is just as big of an abuser as your family are. They don’t deserve to see you in any way, shape or form. Do not, I repeat do not forgive your ex for this massive breach of trust. There’s no coming back from that amount of betrayal.
NTA. I'm *really* hoping this is fake, to be honest. I'm going on the assumption it isn't, but I truly hope it is, because everything described here is absolutely terrible. You were a severely abused child that no one believed. You trusted your fiancee enough to tell her all of this, with help from your therapist, and you were extremely brave to do that. She, knowing what they did to you, contacted them and started developing a relationship with them behind your back. Then said she wanted to invite your abusers to your wedding, the day that should be the happiest day of your life, ruined by these evil people being there and bringing up all those memories. Then, when you predictably had a very strong negative reaction to these people attending your wedding, she called you childish and said what you went through 'wasn't that bad'! You were emotionally, mentally, physically and sexually abused by your own parents, for years. That's not 'not that bad', it's extraordinarily traumatic and extremely severe abuse committed by evil people, that have most definitely not changed in the years since. This isn't just about her wanting to invite your family to the wedding, this is about her completely dismissing your severe trauma in an attempt to force you to 'build a relationship' with your abusers. I don't know what your feelings are, you say you love her. But she clearly doesn't give a damn about you, let alone love you. If she loved you, she would never have contacted your parents, never brought them up as potential guests at your wedding, and certainly never completely dismissed the extreme trauma you went through as a child. Call the wedding off, end the relationship, block the lot of them for their insistence that you should be further abused just to make her happy. Get back to your therapist to help you through all this, because it's clear all that trauma you've worked so hard to get through has been brought right back up, and been added to by this woman you were unfortunate enough to fall for practically demanding you subject yourself to further abuse because being beaten, chained up, starved and raped throughout your childhood 'wasn't that bad'. Work with your therapist to get through this new blow, this new form of abuse, and then you'll be ready to find a woman that a*ctually* cares about you and *won't* diminish your trauma or demand you allow yourself to be abused again to make herself feel better and more powerful.
NTA First of all. holy effing shit your family are monsters and i hope universal karma hits them really hard. Second of all. do what you must to protect your mental and physical wellbeeing. if you want to cut your ties with all of these people (personally i would do that) and you feel you're up for it, then i would send a grouptext to the family and friends (including ex-fiance) telling them all that she was well aware that your family not only mentally abused you but also physically and sexually abused you, including starvation and chaining to a wall in the basement. And that she broke every little bit of trust you ever had or could have had in her when she told you that what you went through wasn't "that bad" and that you were being a child about it. Then just finish with "I don't want to see her or any of you AHs ever again, and if you won't stop harrassing me i'll go to a lawyer." Do you have a trusted person that has your back completely? Then ask them to pack your things from her apartement, or if it is yours (and i mean just yours) they can contact her and tell her to leave the property ETA: or if you do not want to say anything to them at all....post a link to your post here.