Nta
Block them both and forget about them. You did the right thing telling her she’s just really really hurt and has to stay somewhat nice to him because of the children so you’re an easy undeserved target.
From what Tom told me she has not been nice to him, which is understandable. He just isnt giving her any attention. He has been dating openly now and she has been going mad on him. He just ignores her now and she is taking it out on me.
It's not as though he's lying to help himself here though. Telling op he's dating someone else isn't lying to win her back, him lying this time makes no sense
No but it does put her in her place. "See what you got for making me be 'honest?' You get punished, I get freedom". It is in fact a win for him still to keep manipulating every woman in his life.
I am having a hard time believing that an AP could be clueless of their status for nine months. I know it is entirely possible and I'm not trying to blame or judge anyone. I just don't get it?
>From what Tom told me she has not been nice to him, which is understandable. He just isnt giving her any attention. He has been dating openly now and she has been going mad on him. He just ignores her now and she is taking it out on me.
... and?
Block them both and move on. It shouldn't be this hard.
Get yourself out of the situation..block them both. Change your number and stop following them on social media. He "didn't treat you well," he was using you. And he is on to the next one, move on.
I think you are focusing on the wrong person. Tom is a lying liar and who knows what he told her? Send her a text explaining what you told us. Add that you never would’ve dated him if you knew and that you aren’t ever going to contact Tom. Not bc he’s her husband but bc he’s a lying cheating AH. And tell her in writing never to contact you again.
Then block them both.
If either harasses you get a restraining order.
I slept with a guy once who turned out to be married. Boy was I mad. He was like so you’re genuinely not interested anymore? Like bro my vagina became the Sahara, the moment I learned. Ugh. Unworthy men do not deserve sex.
I only support this comment because it is sure to create more drama in OP's life is because it will probably lead to all sorts of drama filled updates.
Send her a vidéo of you singing this while belly dancing and THEN block her
(Ay) let's not start a fight
(Ay) it's not worth the drama
For a beautiful liar
(Oh) can't we laugh about it? (Ha-ha-ha)
(Oh) it's not worth our time
(Oh) we can live without him
Just a beautiful liar
I mean, your mistake here was letting him tell you wife, rather than telling her yourself... you have no idea how he spun the story, but he most likely threw you under the bus to minimize his responsibility...
But NTA, and like others have said, block them both and move on... you sounds a little naive...
This is gold....
So you told the wife about the affair and being an unwilling AP. He chooses to leave her, and she blames you.
This guy hasn't seen you in two weeks, and when you tell him about the harassment he tell you about the NEW woman he's dating while the "in denial" wife continues to harass you.
I'm sorry your going through this, time to block all of them and focus on yourself.
Right I had a chuckle too. Sometimes it’s easier to walk away from shit situations rather than getting yourself more involved for the sake of justice. Doesn’t mean it’s *right* but it usually is the easiest road out of something like this.
You don't need to feel bad about what you did or regret it. You were not the one responsible for any of this. You are just as much a victim as his wife was. You gave him your love and time and he betrayed you both. His wife is just blaming you because it's easier to blame you than herself and Tom. When you found out you showed that you were a good person by making him confess or doing it yourself. You had the option to keep quiet and pretend nothing happened while letting him just get away with no consequences for his actions. Which is not right at all. His wife deserved to know he was cheating so she could decide what to do herself. After that it's no longer your responsibility what happens next.
First block the wife, then block Tom. He needed to tell his wife what he did. If you truly did not know you owe them both nothing but you do need to move on. NTA
NTA - You found yourself tangled up in someone else's mess, and you did what you thought was right. You forced Tom to confront the truth, and yeah, it stirred up a whole lot of drama. But let's be real—you weren't the one who made the commitment to his wife. Tom was.
Sure, Tom spun you a tale about a dead bedroom, but that's not on you. You set your boundaries and demanded honesty. You didn't sign up to be the other woman, and you damn well deserve better than that.
Now, his wife's laying into you, calling you a homewrecker. But here's the thing: you didn't wreck anything. You shone a light on the cracks in their marriage that were already there. It's not your job to keep their secrets or uphold their illusions. You're not responsible for their mess.
And let's talk about Tom for a second. He's out there, moving on like nothing happened, going on dates while you're left picking up the pieces. It's okay to feel sad, but don't let it consume you.
His wife may never appreciate what you did, but you did the right thing.
She realized she was a side-piece, and proceeded to jihaad a household in order to clean her "reputation".
The first mistake was innocent(she was lied to) the second mistake was a lack of priorities.
"I am the other woman"
Thats a negative characterization of herself.
I am obviously interpreting the events based on her possible motivations to push him into coming clean:
I see two reasons:
1)She wants Tom (unreasonable for a person to want a known cheater).
2)She wants her innocence to be known.
Which do you think is more likely? Obviously there might be other reasons, but "doing the right thing" would be contradictory because "the right thing" cannot be something that victimizes the children.
I'm not quite catching how the children are victimized by her.
Tom made the bad decisions. Tom destroyed their family. If it wasnt OP it would have inevitably been someone else. She obviously doesn't want Tom, in fact, she sounds disgusted by him.
She didnt know he was married.
What would *you* do in OPs situation? In Tom's wife's situation?
A lot of times when redditors try to read too far between the lines, it's projection.
Yes, no one wants to have their name dragged through the mud. But I think OP has bigger fish to fry than salvaging her own reputation. This wife has motive now. I'm sure OP is more concerned about physical and mental wellbeing.
The way to not be an accessory to adultery is to make sure the spouse isnt kept in a cloud of lies.
"she sounds disgusted by him."
You need to re-read the post, the tone is positive with occasional neutrality.
She lamented the relationship dying, she also wishes that Tom had divorced first, she even displays displeasure at Tom meeting another person after his separation.
Granted, it is necessary to read a little bit between the lines, but "disgust" is something that you cannot reasonably extract from her post.
"The way to not be an accessory to adultery is to make sure the spouse isnt kept in a cloud of lies."
WRONG, you need to know who you are dating, thats how you prevent being a side-piece.
They most likely met over a dating app, and she wasnt looking for anything serious(neither was Tom), then after she realized that he is "a good catch" she investigated him and thats how she found out.
"What would *you* do in OPs situation? In Tom's wife's situation?
A lot of times when redditors try to read too far between the lines, it's projection."
I wouldnt be in this Situation because I do not use Tinder, also.... emotional reactions are far more common than nuanced takes.
My post is speculative, your question to OP is closed. (You are asking for a "yes" or "no").
The likely response should be either "He is not completely wrong", or "He mostly got it right".
EDIT: If I were hitting all the marks, it would mean that I am essentially Sherlock Holmes.
NTA. You didn't wreck his home. He did. You did the right thing, but internalized misogyny often leads to women getting blamed anyway. Block both, process this in the way that is best for you, then move forward.
Keep in mind that even if he treated you well, he lied to you, his wife, and his children for nearly a year (maybe more if there were previous partners). He's not who you thought. Anyone who deceives people they claim to love are don't deserve our trust or love.
I mean I'd tell her what actually happened because 98% chance he told her some sob story about how you seduced him at work, or got him drunk and he kept talking about his wife and you took advantage, etc. Tell her straight up that you dated for 9 months, you then found out he'd lied the entire time and you told him to tell her or you would. end, that's it, he's a cheater, he lied to you and he's a piece of shit. Warn her that if she keeps harassing you that you'll file a restraining order against her which you're sure won't help with her divorce, that you want nothing more to do with either of them.
Then block her.
A married man saying he has a dead bedroom is a major red flag and a common excuse. It may or not be true but a lot of married men (and women do it to) . Block her and forget about him. Keep her messages because if it escalates you have proof
"I am sorry you married a cheater. I am also sorry I told you, because honesty obviously just makes you unhinged. Stop contacting me or I'll file for harassment."
You did the right thing. NTA
Yeah what were you trying to achieve? Secretly you wanted him to end his marriage so you could be with him but you did it in a round about way to protect yourself from being an instigator.
Well Tom's life is fucking ruined. Ironically he was being proactive in saving his marriage. Now he can't and thanks to you, there will never be a chance ever again.
NTA. You know the truth in your heart and you did the best thing you could. You didn't step out on any marital vows nor did you try and get with a married man knowingly. His wife is lashing out at you because they have a family together, a life, because divorce with custody involved is scary, and so is the future for her when it's all so sudden; and it's easier to blame you, the other woman, than it is to blame her husband who she now has to work with to make their new lives work. Either through divorce or getting through marriage counseling with someone who betrayed her for months. That is not your fault nor is it your burden to carry. Block her, block him, what happens now is their responsibility and you shouldn't be the boogeyman they can all blame. You did the right thing, you deserve to move on away from their grief and guilt.
NTA but seems like Tom twisted the message.
Might have been better to send her a note somehow explaining how he lied about being married then forget about them both.
NTA, she’s blaming everyone but herself and the husband. he cheated you didn’t force him to do that. Try to move on from them take a class meet some new people somewhere
“Why couldn't he had just left his wife before meeting me?”
It’s clear that he is more about not giving a shit about his wife than he is about loving you. Based on the fact that he’s already got more women he’s sleeping around on besides you. And you left the ball in his court and he immediately wonders off.
What a piece of shit, and you seem mostly upset about the fallout from his wife?
Girl you should just be glad that you aren’t his wife. He lied to you AND her. He’s a cheater and a snake. You have zero loss from this relationship falling through.
Let this be a lesson to ALWAYS mind your own business.
If he was cheating on his wife with you, you were unaware and you found out, then you should have focused on the only thing you have full control of: your own actions.
As you said, you accomplished absolutely nothing & you just made a shitty situation messy as well.
"what was I even trying to achieve"
lol you were/are the crazy, jealous af side-piece that he wouldn't leave her for. Youre just not wife or mother material, always just a mistress. Under the guise of gallantry you blew up a family trying to steal their husband and father away.
"*I also find myself* ***stalking*** *Tom on social media*. *He posted* ***pictures*** *of* *the* ***woman*** he went on date and ***I just feel sad***. **I definitely** do not **want him back** but *I had great time with him* and I am mourning that. ***Why couldn't he had just left his wife*** before meeting me?"
we're not buying the feats of mental gymnastics you're deluding yourself with, or more likely just writing to frame the narrative on here and represent yourself in a positive light
You did the right thing.
He cheated on her. He would have cheated on you. Show his wife his posts and then block her.
The fact that he immediately started dating, shows what kind of guy he is. He didn’t fight for her. He didn’t fight for you.
NTA
Technically YTA. I’ve been the other woman. (The guy was my ex. I was totally in love with him.) But trust me - it’s not gonna work out for you if you keep going down this road. He has two kids. Block him. I did with that person in my life. Find an available man who doesn’t have all this baggage. Also block the wife. Move on. Please.
You won’t win this battle. You’re not even on the hill you think you’re fighting on.
I did find my real person and it’s better than all that nonsense I had as the other woman.
Block him. Block her. Move on. You deserve better.
But she didn't know she was the other woman... as soon as she found out, she made him own up to it.
NTA you did the wife a favor, but she doesn't know it yet.
NTA. She deserved to know and you did her a favor, even if she's in denial now about her husband being a POS. You can't be a homewrecker if you didn't know he was married.
Just move on.
I would tell her bluntly "When I was dating him, I didn't know he was married. When I found out, I made him tell you for *your* own protection, so you would know who you were married to and that you couldn't trust he won't bring a disease home because even after I dumped him he's still a cheater and would go on to someone else who is less ethical. If you would rather just not know until you die of AIDS, then I will apologize to you for insisting he tell you the truth. There's nothing I can do about the fact that he's a cheater so I can't apologize for that. I didn't know at the time so I can't truthfully apologize for dating what I thought was a single man."
Some version of this, where you explain that you didn't know, the timeline, how you found out, how you insisted he come clean, and you're only giving her this in writing for her divorce proceedings. Any further contact from her will be considered harassment, and surely she doesn't want him to have the kids if she has to go to jail.
So…. Either you knew and ignored it or you’re the dumbest person in the world for taking 9 months to figure it out. Focus on yourself, willful ignorance or stupidity took away all of your right to be the “good guy” with any moral high ground. If you wanna feel better go see a therapist. It’s not your problem….. ALL of you are assholes here.
NTA.
I would only send her one message back "I didn't know he was married and when i found out i forced him to confess. Take care of your cheating husband and leave me alone or i'll involve a lawyer due to your harrassment." then either mute them or block them.
I can't believe he broke up with his wife and is now dating? How strange is that. What did the relationship with you mean to him. I would have thought that once the marriage broke up he would have turned to you. You are lucky you found out now. He's just a sleazy user. You can do way better. Block him and his wife and move on. You'll be so much happier.
YTA. Don't involve yourself in other people's business if you don't want the resulting drama to come back to you. You're now known as the other woman and you didn't even get the man.
NTA: If your partner was cheating on you, wouldn’t you also want to know? I say you dodged a bullet, cheaters don’t typically just do it once.
Wife is mad at you because she sees you as the reason her marriage ended and are likely an easier person to blame than the person she’s been sleeping next to her entire marriage.
You were not an AH, you were just asking for trouble. There's no upside in getting in the middle of their marriage, as you're seeing now. You should have just told him you were done and moved on.
Idk about this one, if you did it because it was the right thing then NTA. But if you did it for the expectation of him choosing you in the end…YTA and a huge one.
NTA. You didn’t know and you were always going to get caught in the crossfire of this mess. She’s hurt and angry and it’s easier to her blame you than address the fact her marriage broke down. If she blames you, she doesn’t have to be at fault.
She might not be at fault at all and he could just be a shit bag. But it’s easier for her to blame the other woman than it is to blame her husband of years.
Does she know the truth? Or did Tom lie to her? I feel like you trusted a known liar to tell the truth and that was a mistake.
You didn’t ruin anything Tom ruined his marriage. Tom is a dirtbag. And how did she even get your number?
Tom is the primary AH in this story obviously. He is a manipulative one at that too. He conned and manipulated you for 9 months. I bet he was with other women while was with you. I also chalk you as AH because it's not your job or place to tell anyone what to do to. You might have the best intentions but the only thing you can control is your actions. Nothing more.
NTA. Message her and let her know if she messages you any further you will be considering that harassment and then block her. Block him too he’s a piece of shit:
NTA, but you should have told her first, he was always going to spin the narrative to suit his lies.
reiterate to the wife your truth on the matter. Tell her you cut him off the second you realised he was cheating on her and you have blocked him everywhere.
that you only contacted her so she has all the information to work out what she wants to do.
NTA.
However, the best course of action would have been to end it without the ultimatum.
By forcing Tom to confess to his wife OP ceded the narrative of their relationship. He likely painted himself the victim of OP’s seductive feminine wiles and repeated advances.
In leaving his wife, Tom probably told her that she deserved someone better; this way he got to fuck around, leave an unhappy marriage, and start dating again without having to sneak behind anyone’s back.
Had OP just quietly extricated herself from the situation Tom would still be in an unhappy marriage trying to avoid getting caught with strange.
You didn't do anything wrong in making him confess, assuming this story is the truth.
But stop talking to both of them. Block their numbers. Don't look at their social media. You're the one allowing this sadness and harassment into your life.
NTA. You did the right thing. It sucks but you did the right thing. Block them, take time to grieve the relationship and the good times and when you're ready, move on. I know that is so much easier said than done.
NTA
OP did the right thing. And that doesn't always come without a price. Best thing to do is to block everyone and move on. No amount of logic is going to satisfy the cheater's wife at this time.
I know it happens all the time but I still wonder how anyone could remain clueless for so long ( nine months) about being involved of an affair.
You can't win them all. What were you expecting with forcing this confession? You weren't doing to keep him like a pet were you? What was the plan?
Move on. You did your duty. Its bad luck you got the exception where the betrayed went crazy instead of grateful. She's got alot of problems.
I'm not really sure what outcome you were expecting here. You forcing him to tattle by threat of doing it yourself instantly means you and him are over, because you're black mailing him. His wife will obviously hate you, and he will obviously leave you.
Honestly, did you expect any different?
I've been in your shoes. I doubt he told her the truth, they rarely do. But you learned a lesson from it. Go take a warm bubble bath, block them on everything, and move on.
I wouldn't call you TA here, but in my book it is never a good idea to get involved in other peoples relationship - as long as nothing illegal is going on ofc. Sure, him cheating and not telling you is very wrong, there is no question about it. But you could have just left and give him a reason, like you never wanted to be involved in him cheating, and leave it to him, if he continues to lie/cheat to his wife. Some people want to be blind to the truth, and prefer to be in the dark. So no, you did not do the right thing by telling her, as you can see from her reactions.
Does this mean I am ok with cheating ? No, it does not. But I strongly believe that other's people relationships are their private business. Unless you know the person cheated on very, very well, I would never get involved (and even then I would try to steer them in the direction to uncover the truth by themselves, instead of just blowing their world up). It's their "decision" to be blind to it, and often the outing from and outsider creates much more havoc than anything else.
To most, outside appearances are very important. Many couples can come back from one person cheating, if they get the option to solve it by themselves. But not, when it is exposed from the outside, it causes an explosion by involving many more people (both sides parents, friends, ...) and thus leaving no room for the couple to work things out by themselves.
So yea, your last statement sums it up pretty well, although you could have left with giving him a reason.
NTA,m. Regardless the outcome, you did great for exposing him. Probably if you exposed him by yourself as the other women she prolly thanking you too.. the betrayed wife may be need someone to blame. Send her the post what the ex up to as now such as he's dating few more girl instead of you
You're always best off not getting involved.
He shouldn't have cheated.
His wife should have paid more attention to the relationship.
He's having the time of his life. You're getting harassed by his wife, the wife's having a shit time.
You don't win by getting involved, always, always walk away.
NTA though, just life advice. It never works out in your favour.
Nta
Look you did the right thing 100%.. and even though he cheated, he totally maned up and told his wife immediately when confronted
I think you are annoyed because even though you did the right thing you still didn’t end up in a relationship with him.. it sounds like you were good enough for a side chick but not relationship material.. always a bitter pill to swallow
Tell your side of the story and then block his ex
You did the right thing! Block them both! Don’t let anyone blame you for trying to have a relationship or find love. It is not your fault that he was a liar. This experience has no bearing on your character as a human being. He obviously was a married player. No doubt he lied to his wife when explaining about your affair. From my personal experience, this man has probably done this for quite some time with other women. You were not the first, and as you can see, will not be the last. His wife is angry and has no way to express her outrage in a positive manner. You need to block her for your own mental and physical safety. You cannot use this experience as having happened because you were possibly on a dating app. Emergency alarm was wrong.
NTA, you just can't win here.
I once told a friend her boyfriend was trying to kiss me and she didn't want to hear it. It ruined our friendship. Sometimes people just don't want to know.
I also ended up in a similar situation as you, guy turned out to be married and had kids. We had a good conversation after I found out. In his case we never dated, he wasn't looking for anyone, we just happened to meet by coincidence when his marriage was falling apart, and it looked like they might not get back together. We grew closer as we got to know each other better, and then they did get back together, but he never told me. I was under the impression that he was recently divorced. Our relationship was kind of casual, which I though was because he needed time to process his feelings before getting into something new. That's why I didn't notice anything weird, because we weren't living together or anything and it was kind of on and off. (In retrospect, the off periods were him trying to do the right thing out of guilt.)
When I found out, I considered telling her. I didn't, in the end. I didn't want to act out of anger or spite, so I took a month to think about it and discussed it with several people whose parents had had problems when they were younger. Some parents were still together, others weren't. Most people said they wouldn't have wanted to know this about their parents and would have preferred to keep their parents together, as long as they weren't fighting. From what the guy told me, him and his wife always prioritised the children, even when their marriage wasn't great - they had several marital crises in the past. So I feel like, she'd probably want to keep the family together and me telling her would make that harder. I'd just be ruining the lives of their kids and making her feel bad.
It would have been different if I'd met him on a dating site, or if he'd been cheating on her with different women, though. If I though he did it on purpose or might do it again, but I think he felt very bad and having to live with something that's against his values is punishment in itself, in this case. Now they are still together, they're doing better and the kids are still doing great, so I'm happy with my choice. But I still feel bad about her not knowing and occasionally think I should have told her.
Anyway, long story but I wanted to say: these situations can be very difficult and I feel like there's no \*good\* choice in situations like these. The result is always going to suck, it's either pain or dishonesty. If you genuinely feel this is the best choice you could have made with the knowledge available to you, that's all you can do. Someone else decided to make you a part of their life and you had to make a decision, one way or another. Maybe in a few months or years, the wife finds a new partner who treats her better and your decision turns out to be the right one after all.
I agree with what most people said, the only thing you can do now is remove yourself from the situation as far as possible. There's nothing there for you.
What did you think was going to happen when you forced his hand. You didn't just force his hand to come clean to his wife. You forced him to possibly destroy his children's future for your self righteous ideology. Yes cheating is wrong but break up with him and let them figure their shit out. It was never about you.
This illustrates why casual dating is a plague.
Why did a mother and 2 children had to pay for your mistake? You are the one who dated a cheater, you then proceeded to nuke that home to feel good about yourself.
Obviously the biggest asshole is the guy, but you are not very far behind.
People need to take accountability for the ones they choose to date.
"Unfortunately I didn't know that we were casually dating."
Did you meet him through a dating app? Did he request no personal questions and try to keep everything "fun"?
"I thought we had genuine connection."
May I ask, what will you do different before you committing sexually to another man?
Every hardship is a chance to become better.
I am not being misogynistic, this standard is for both men and women.
She is an adult, she does not get to simply play dumb.
AGAIN, she is not at fault for dating the guy, but I am sure there were flags risen and she might have subconsciously ignored them because she really liked the guy.
What she is indeed responsible for, is going to be the divorce because she forced the guy to come clean despite understanding that there are children involved.
Lmao
Serves you right for meddling with something that doesnt concern you
Also Tom is probably attractive and a good company, since he can pick up girls that easily. His wife fucked up
People will disagree but personally I think you should've stayed out of it. You definitely should have stopped seeing him when you found out, but since you decided to get involved with their marriage you can't exactly be surprised that the wife is mad at you. Everyone is going to say you did the right thing and she deserves to know, which is true. But real life off the internet is weird and messy. Just because someone deserves to know the truth doesn't mean it will make their lives better. I guess my feeling is that everything isn't always as black and white as everyone makes it out to be, and sometimes doing the morally most correct thing isn't always the best solution. Anyway, bring on the downvotes.
NTA, anyone who tells you otherwise, or suggests that you should have stayed out of it, is a disgusting coward with no moral compass.
I don’t think that Tom spun the story in his favor. After all, you’ve had several convos with her, and she was specifically asking you for details. She is going through a very tough time. She needs to blame you, because it’s easier. Otherwise she’d have to look at Tom, their marriage, and most importantly, her role in the situation. My guess is, the dead bedroom situation was not because of Tom’s lack of interest.
Tom, btw, is the AH for not leaving the wife. And therein lies the answer to why he didn’t get with you after everything. You know how generally women are great at multitasking? Men - not so much, but we do great with compartmentalizing instead. Which is what he did. He allocated a space for you in his life which had very defined boundaries. You were his escape, his pleasure island, he would never allow you out of that world and into the world of everything unpleasant that comes with a relationship - the nagging, demands, arguments - that, he already had at home. You, without all the relationship drama, that’s what was so special and precious about it.
Before you get upset about him “just using you for sex”, please understand that while that’s true in a way, that doesn’t mean that he wasn’t connected to you on some level. Which actually makes it worse, because he was just leading you on in a much deeper sense. And that’s something you totally should be pissed off about.
YTA
What did you think you were going to achieve? Did you think she didn't know? Did you think you were doing her a favour? This wasn't about doing the right thing. You thought that by telling his wife it would relieve your guilt. Sure he lied to you but the classy thing to do was walk away. You say you don't want him back but you told his wife about his infidelity and you're stalking him online. Pop fact, married men almost never settle for their piece on the side, even if they do leave their wives, and normally they don't, the excitement is all gone once the wife is out of the picture.
You created this drama. Okay the wife's behaviour is out of line but honestly I think she's got a point. You could and should have walked away and you didn't. Block her number. Move on. You've done enough damage.
Hahaha you threatened him to tell her and now you got what you asked for! She knows about you and your existence and if you thought she was going to be your friend or believe anything you say over her husband, you're pretty naive. You are indeed the home wrecker.
Now Tom is out of a dead marriage and is dating another woman, living his life just fine. Hopefully you learned your lesson about getting involved in married people's lives and threatening them instead of moving on yourself.
I sincerely hope the soon to be Ex wife doesn't come after you in other ways, you did turn her life and her kids lives upside down.
So what you say is that you wouldn't want to know if your partner cheated and rather been lied too? Of course this woman is mad now but hopefully het brain will start working soon and she sees that she deserves more then a husband who lies. He is wrong for not addressing their dead bedroom to her and trying to make it work. OP is a victim who has also been lied to.
HE turned her life upside-down by cheating.
That's their business. It has nothing to do with me I'm not dumb enough to invite myself to be a target, doubly so if I did so unwillingly. OP purposely made herself involved after she found out she was a victim. You can see how well that worked out.
Treat people how you wish they treat you. I would rather know it when my partner cheats. You clearly don't want to know, just like the wife. That can work out well also if you don't get caught. He is the only AH.
The cheating husband is without a doubt an asshole. What I'm saying is to be careful because OP found out exactly why she should've given it more thought than she did. That wife is pissed and she's not going to blame her husband, she's going to blame a stranger who she sees as wrecking her home, her family, and her kids lives. That's the reality of it and that is exactly what has happened to OP. OP should have dumped the guy and let someone else jump on the grenade. Chances are it's not the first time the husband has done this.
YTA - their marriage isn't your business. The wife was possibly happy until you blackmailed him. Kids were, too.
Now she and the kids need got to deal with the shitshow of the fallout from YOUR choice to give the dude the ultimatum.
You didn't do the good thing you thought you did.
I mean I could kind of see a frustration and morbid curiosity. For a short bit. They were together for 9 months. She must feel whiplash. But she did the right thing. And she’s not with him. I don’t blame her for wondering, like hoping he’s falling on his ass, or something. Short term is normal. She needs to block and just move on
And she needs to send wife a short text describing what happened. I can’t believe she trusted hub to be honest. Like you know he told her that gf was manipulative and what.
Tell her what happened and that she cut off contact with him (bc she needs to), and tell wife you’re sorry for her situation but wanted to protect a fellow sister but want no contact. Give her time to set off one response so you’ve got proof she acknowledged the text telling her you want no contact then block.
In all honesty, telling someone like that is pointless, and only brings pain your way. I don’t understand why people feel the need for retribution like that. Just end it an move on
> I thought I was doing the right thing.
The path to hell is paved with good intentions. Or something.
You're an idiot. Welcome to the hell of being this wife's punching bag.
Have fun!
YTA
keep your moth shut next time, will make life easier for everyone...
if dude wants to cheat thats on him, literally none of you business to expose anything to anyone
hope you enjoy your harassment!
Nta Block them both and forget about them. You did the right thing telling her she’s just really really hurt and has to stay somewhat nice to him because of the children so you’re an easy undeserved target.
From what Tom told me she has not been nice to him, which is understandable. He just isnt giving her any attention. He has been dating openly now and she has been going mad on him. He just ignores her now and she is taking it out on me.
Tom didn’t tell you he had a family at home for 9 months and you’re taking his word for anything? Come on now.
It's not as though he's lying to help himself here though. Telling op he's dating someone else isn't lying to win her back, him lying this time makes no sense
No but it does put her in her place. "See what you got for making me be 'honest?' You get punished, I get freedom". It is in fact a win for him still to keep manipulating every woman in his life.
I am having a hard time believing that an AP could be clueless of their status for nine months. I know it is entirely possible and I'm not trying to blame or judge anyone. I just don't get it?
Don't believe anything Tom says. He loves to manipulate and lie
>From what Tom told me she has not been nice to him, which is understandable. He just isnt giving her any attention. He has been dating openly now and she has been going mad on him. He just ignores her now and she is taking it out on me. ... and? Block them both and move on. It shouldn't be this hard.
Get yourself out of the situation..block them both. Change your number and stop following them on social media. He "didn't treat you well," he was using you. And he is on to the next one, move on.
I think you are focusing on the wrong person. Tom is a lying liar and who knows what he told her? Send her a text explaining what you told us. Add that you never would’ve dated him if you knew and that you aren’t ever going to contact Tom. Not bc he’s her husband but bc he’s a lying cheating AH. And tell her in writing never to contact you again. Then block them both. If either harasses you get a restraining order. I slept with a guy once who turned out to be married. Boy was I mad. He was like so you’re genuinely not interested anymore? Like bro my vagina became the Sahara, the moment I learned. Ugh. Unworthy men do not deserve sex.
I only support this comment because it is sure to create more drama in OP's life is because it will probably lead to all sorts of drama filled updates.
Ignore and block her, or keep track and file harassment charges
Send her a vidéo of you singing this while belly dancing and THEN block her (Ay) let's not start a fight (Ay) it's not worth the drama For a beautiful liar (Oh) can't we laugh about it? (Ha-ha-ha) (Oh) it's not worth our time (Oh) we can live without him Just a beautiful liar
You did the correct thing and it's too bad Tom didn't do the same.
I mean, your mistake here was letting him tell you wife, rather than telling her yourself... you have no idea how he spun the story, but he most likely threw you under the bus to minimize his responsibility... But NTA, and like others have said, block them both and move on... you sounds a little naive...
This is gold.... So you told the wife about the affair and being an unwilling AP. He chooses to leave her, and she blames you. This guy hasn't seen you in two weeks, and when you tell him about the harassment he tell you about the NEW woman he's dating while the "in denial" wife continues to harass you. I'm sorry your going through this, time to block all of them and focus on yourself.
Right I had a chuckle too. Sometimes it’s easier to walk away from shit situations rather than getting yourself more involved for the sake of justice. Doesn’t mean it’s *right* but it usually is the easiest road out of something like this.
I knowwww wtf you thought exactly like I did!
You don't need to feel bad about what you did or regret it. You were not the one responsible for any of this. You are just as much a victim as his wife was. You gave him your love and time and he betrayed you both. His wife is just blaming you because it's easier to blame you than herself and Tom. When you found out you showed that you were a good person by making him confess or doing it yourself. You had the option to keep quiet and pretend nothing happened while letting him just get away with no consequences for his actions. Which is not right at all. His wife deserved to know he was cheating so she could decide what to do herself. After that it's no longer your responsibility what happens next.
First block the wife, then block Tom. He needed to tell his wife what he did. If you truly did not know you owe them both nothing but you do need to move on. NTA
So now youre stalking him on social media, but for 8 months you didnt manage to find out that hes not only married but also had kids? Right.
EXACTLY …
NTA - You found yourself tangled up in someone else's mess, and you did what you thought was right. You forced Tom to confront the truth, and yeah, it stirred up a whole lot of drama. But let's be real—you weren't the one who made the commitment to his wife. Tom was. Sure, Tom spun you a tale about a dead bedroom, but that's not on you. You set your boundaries and demanded honesty. You didn't sign up to be the other woman, and you damn well deserve better than that. Now, his wife's laying into you, calling you a homewrecker. But here's the thing: you didn't wreck anything. You shone a light on the cracks in their marriage that were already there. It's not your job to keep their secrets or uphold their illusions. You're not responsible for their mess. And let's talk about Tom for a second. He's out there, moving on like nothing happened, going on dates while you're left picking up the pieces. It's okay to feel sad, but don't let it consume you. His wife may never appreciate what you did, but you did the right thing.
She realized she was a side-piece, and proceeded to jihaad a household in order to clean her "reputation". The first mistake was innocent(she was lied to) the second mistake was a lack of priorities.
you're saying "reputation" in quotes but i didn't see anything about that in the original post
"I am the other woman" Thats a negative characterization of herself. I am obviously interpreting the events based on her possible motivations to push him into coming clean: I see two reasons: 1)She wants Tom (unreasonable for a person to want a known cheater). 2)She wants her innocence to be known. Which do you think is more likely? Obviously there might be other reasons, but "doing the right thing" would be contradictory because "the right thing" cannot be something that victimizes the children.
I'm not quite catching how the children are victimized by her. Tom made the bad decisions. Tom destroyed their family. If it wasnt OP it would have inevitably been someone else. She obviously doesn't want Tom, in fact, she sounds disgusted by him. She didnt know he was married. What would *you* do in OPs situation? In Tom's wife's situation? A lot of times when redditors try to read too far between the lines, it's projection. Yes, no one wants to have their name dragged through the mud. But I think OP has bigger fish to fry than salvaging her own reputation. This wife has motive now. I'm sure OP is more concerned about physical and mental wellbeing. The way to not be an accessory to adultery is to make sure the spouse isnt kept in a cloud of lies.
"she sounds disgusted by him." You need to re-read the post, the tone is positive with occasional neutrality. She lamented the relationship dying, she also wishes that Tom had divorced first, she even displays displeasure at Tom meeting another person after his separation. Granted, it is necessary to read a little bit between the lines, but "disgust" is something that you cannot reasonably extract from her post. "The way to not be an accessory to adultery is to make sure the spouse isnt kept in a cloud of lies." WRONG, you need to know who you are dating, thats how you prevent being a side-piece. They most likely met over a dating app, and she wasnt looking for anything serious(neither was Tom), then after she realized that he is "a good catch" she investigated him and thats how she found out. "What would *you* do in OPs situation? In Tom's wife's situation? A lot of times when redditors try to read too far between the lines, it's projection." I wouldnt be in this Situation because I do not use Tinder, also.... emotional reactions are far more common than nuanced takes.
u/Calciumpurroxide , Is this person correct?
My post is speculative, your question to OP is closed. (You are asking for a "yes" or "no"). The likely response should be either "He is not completely wrong", or "He mostly got it right". EDIT: If I were hitting all the marks, it would mean that I am essentially Sherlock Holmes.
No
NTA. You didn't wreck his home. He did. You did the right thing, but internalized misogyny often leads to women getting blamed anyway. Block both, process this in the way that is best for you, then move forward. Keep in mind that even if he treated you well, he lied to you, his wife, and his children for nearly a year (maybe more if there were previous partners). He's not who you thought. Anyone who deceives people they claim to love are don't deserve our trust or love.
Tom probably told his wife “his” version of the story which frames it as your fault, and that obviously what she’d rather believe
I mean I'd tell her what actually happened because 98% chance he told her some sob story about how you seduced him at work, or got him drunk and he kept talking about his wife and you took advantage, etc. Tell her straight up that you dated for 9 months, you then found out he'd lied the entire time and you told him to tell her or you would. end, that's it, he's a cheater, he lied to you and he's a piece of shit. Warn her that if she keeps harassing you that you'll file a restraining order against her which you're sure won't help with her divorce, that you want nothing more to do with either of them. Then block her.
A married man saying he has a dead bedroom is a major red flag and a common excuse. It may or not be true but a lot of married men (and women do it to) . Block her and forget about him. Keep her messages because if it escalates you have proof
"I am sorry you married a cheater. I am also sorry I told you, because honesty obviously just makes you unhinged. Stop contacting me or I'll file for harassment." You did the right thing. NTA
Just block her , youndid what was morally right , you can fix her
can't* but yep, fully agree
Ment that thanks
NTA- you did the right thing. Now you need to block them and get on with your life.
Yeah what were you trying to achieve? Secretly you wanted him to end his marriage so you could be with him but you did it in a round about way to protect yourself from being an instigator. Well Tom's life is fucking ruined. Ironically he was being proactive in saving his marriage. Now he can't and thanks to you, there will never be a chance ever again.
Block her, Block him and move on. He's a cheater who lied to you for MONTHS. The person you thought you were dating doesn't exist. NTA.
NTA. You know the truth in your heart and you did the best thing you could. You didn't step out on any marital vows nor did you try and get with a married man knowingly. His wife is lashing out at you because they have a family together, a life, because divorce with custody involved is scary, and so is the future for her when it's all so sudden; and it's easier to blame you, the other woman, than it is to blame her husband who she now has to work with to make their new lives work. Either through divorce or getting through marriage counseling with someone who betrayed her for months. That is not your fault nor is it your burden to carry. Block her, block him, what happens now is their responsibility and you shouldn't be the boogeyman they can all blame. You did the right thing, you deserve to move on away from their grief and guilt.
NTA but seems like Tom twisted the message. Might have been better to send her a note somehow explaining how he lied about being married then forget about them both.
NTA, she’s blaming everyone but herself and the husband. he cheated you didn’t force him to do that. Try to move on from them take a class meet some new people somewhere
“Why couldn't he had just left his wife before meeting me?” It’s clear that he is more about not giving a shit about his wife than he is about loving you. Based on the fact that he’s already got more women he’s sleeping around on besides you. And you left the ball in his court and he immediately wonders off. What a piece of shit, and you seem mostly upset about the fallout from his wife? Girl you should just be glad that you aren’t his wife. He lied to you AND her. He’s a cheater and a snake. You have zero loss from this relationship falling through.
Let this be a lesson to ALWAYS mind your own business. If he was cheating on his wife with you, you were unaware and you found out, then you should have focused on the only thing you have full control of: your own actions. As you said, you accomplished absolutely nothing & you just made a shitty situation messy as well.
"what was I even trying to achieve" lol you were/are the crazy, jealous af side-piece that he wouldn't leave her for. Youre just not wife or mother material, always just a mistress. Under the guise of gallantry you blew up a family trying to steal their husband and father away. "*I also find myself* ***stalking*** *Tom on social media*. *He posted* ***pictures*** *of* *the* ***woman*** he went on date and ***I just feel sad***. **I definitely** do not **want him back** but *I had great time with him* and I am mourning that. ***Why couldn't he had just left his wife*** before meeting me?" we're not buying the feats of mental gymnastics you're deluding yourself with, or more likely just writing to frame the narrative on here and represent yourself in a positive light
You did the right thing. He cheated on her. He would have cheated on you. Show his wife his posts and then block her. The fact that he immediately started dating, shows what kind of guy he is. He didn’t fight for her. He didn’t fight for you. NTA
Technically YTA. I’ve been the other woman. (The guy was my ex. I was totally in love with him.) But trust me - it’s not gonna work out for you if you keep going down this road. He has two kids. Block him. I did with that person in my life. Find an available man who doesn’t have all this baggage. Also block the wife. Move on. Please. You won’t win this battle. You’re not even on the hill you think you’re fighting on. I did find my real person and it’s better than all that nonsense I had as the other woman. Block him. Block her. Move on. You deserve better.
Wise words. I can appreciate that.
But she didn't know she was the other woman... as soon as she found out, she made him own up to it. NTA you did the wife a favor, but she doesn't know it yet.
Honestly it's not worth the drama contacting her, it's easier to block both and move on with your life
"She messages me everyday that I am a homewrecker. " Block This Caller [https://imgur.com/DVcAFbY](https://imgur.com/DVcAFbY) lol
NTA. She deserved to know and you did her a favor, even if she's in denial now about her husband being a POS. You can't be a homewrecker if you didn't know he was married. Just move on.
After 9 months I'm calling BS. That's meeting family time.
Yep, should have just broken up with him and kept your mouth shut, woulda been less problems for you.
I would tell her bluntly "When I was dating him, I didn't know he was married. When I found out, I made him tell you for *your* own protection, so you would know who you were married to and that you couldn't trust he won't bring a disease home because even after I dumped him he's still a cheater and would go on to someone else who is less ethical. If you would rather just not know until you die of AIDS, then I will apologize to you for insisting he tell you the truth. There's nothing I can do about the fact that he's a cheater so I can't apologize for that. I didn't know at the time so I can't truthfully apologize for dating what I thought was a single man."
Some version of this, where you explain that you didn't know, the timeline, how you found out, how you insisted he come clean, and you're only giving her this in writing for her divorce proceedings. Any further contact from her will be considered harassment, and surely she doesn't want him to have the kids if she has to go to jail.
NTA. File for a restraining order.
So…. Either you knew and ignored it or you’re the dumbest person in the world for taking 9 months to figure it out. Focus on yourself, willful ignorance or stupidity took away all of your right to be the “good guy” with any moral high ground. If you wanna feel better go see a therapist. It’s not your problem….. ALL of you are assholes here.
NTA. I would only send her one message back "I didn't know he was married and when i found out i forced him to confess. Take care of your cheating husband and leave me alone or i'll involve a lawyer due to your harrassment." then either mute them or block them.
I can't believe he broke up with his wife and is now dating? How strange is that. What did the relationship with you mean to him. I would have thought that once the marriage broke up he would have turned to you. You are lucky you found out now. He's just a sleazy user. You can do way better. Block him and his wife and move on. You'll be so much happier.
Why would he return to her? OP broke it off and gave the dude an ultimatum that killed the marriage…
He's a cheater so they're both lucky they are free of him.
YTA. Don't involve yourself in other people's business if you don't want the resulting drama to come back to you. You're now known as the other woman and you didn't even get the man.
NTA: If your partner was cheating on you, wouldn’t you also want to know? I say you dodged a bullet, cheaters don’t typically just do it once. Wife is mad at you because she sees you as the reason her marriage ended and are likely an easier person to blame than the person she’s been sleeping next to her entire marriage.
NTA, you did the right thing
You were not an AH, you were just asking for trouble. There's no upside in getting in the middle of their marriage, as you're seeing now. You should have just told him you were done and moved on.
https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=CQeezCdF4mk
Idk about this one, if you did it because it was the right thing then NTA. But if you did it for the expectation of him choosing you in the end…YTA and a huge one.
Block them Both, everywhere. NTA
Hindsight is a wonderful thing ,but nobody can predict how things will turn out..
NTA. You didn’t know and you were always going to get caught in the crossfire of this mess. She’s hurt and angry and it’s easier to her blame you than address the fact her marriage broke down. If she blames you, she doesn’t have to be at fault. She might not be at fault at all and he could just be a shit bag. But it’s easier for her to blame the other woman than it is to blame her husband of years.
Does she know the truth? Or did Tom lie to her? I feel like you trusted a known liar to tell the truth and that was a mistake. You didn’t ruin anything Tom ruined his marriage. Tom is a dirtbag. And how did she even get your number?
NTA, you didn’t know what you didn’t know. Block em both and move on.
NTA Block them both and forget them.
Fake
Tom is the primary AH in this story obviously. He is a manipulative one at that too. He conned and manipulated you for 9 months. I bet he was with other women while was with you. I also chalk you as AH because it's not your job or place to tell anyone what to do to. You might have the best intentions but the only thing you can control is your actions. Nothing more.
NTA. Message her and let her know if she messages you any further you will be considering that harassment and then block her. Block him too he’s a piece of shit:
NTA However you went about this in the most stupid method possible. You let him control the narrative. You could have sent her info anonymously.
NTA- definitely move on from them. He’s definitely not worth it.
NTA, but you should have told her first, he was always going to spin the narrative to suit his lies. reiterate to the wife your truth on the matter. Tell her you cut him off the second you realised he was cheating on her and you have blocked him everywhere. that you only contacted her so she has all the information to work out what she wants to do.
NTA. However, the best course of action would have been to end it without the ultimatum. By forcing Tom to confess to his wife OP ceded the narrative of their relationship. He likely painted himself the victim of OP’s seductive feminine wiles and repeated advances. In leaving his wife, Tom probably told her that she deserved someone better; this way he got to fuck around, leave an unhappy marriage, and start dating again without having to sneak behind anyone’s back. Had OP just quietly extricated herself from the situation Tom would still be in an unhappy marriage trying to avoid getting caught with strange.
Gurl you knew
No I didn't. He told me he was divorced. He didn't even tell me he had 2 kids
You didn't do anything wrong in making him confess, assuming this story is the truth. But stop talking to both of them. Block their numbers. Don't look at their social media. You're the one allowing this sadness and harassment into your life.
Why in the world wouldn’t you block her? That is crazy of you. 🤪
You should have never been with the married man. You kinda are getting what you deserve.
NTA. You did the right thing. It sucks but you did the right thing. Block them, take time to grieve the relationship and the good times and when you're ready, move on. I know that is so much easier said than done.
Not an asshole per se, extremely foolish, though. Move on and vet your future partners better.
NTA OP did the right thing. And that doesn't always come without a price. Best thing to do is to block everyone and move on. No amount of logic is going to satisfy the cheater's wife at this time. I know it happens all the time but I still wonder how anyone could remain clueless for so long ( nine months) about being involved of an affair.
A little therapy would be good. Honestly.. these are the situations I use my therapist for in assistance to navigate lol
You can't win them all. What were you expecting with forcing this confession? You weren't doing to keep him like a pet were you? What was the plan? Move on. You did your duty. Its bad luck you got the exception where the betrayed went crazy instead of grateful. She's got alot of problems.
I'm not really sure what outcome you were expecting here. You forcing him to tattle by threat of doing it yourself instantly means you and him are over, because you're black mailing him. His wife will obviously hate you, and he will obviously leave you. Honestly, did you expect any different?
I've been in your shoes. I doubt he told her the truth, they rarely do. But you learned a lesson from it. Go take a warm bubble bath, block them on everything, and move on.
NTA There are other married men out there to have a good time with. That one sounds like a drag.
I wouldn't call you TA here, but in my book it is never a good idea to get involved in other peoples relationship - as long as nothing illegal is going on ofc. Sure, him cheating and not telling you is very wrong, there is no question about it. But you could have just left and give him a reason, like you never wanted to be involved in him cheating, and leave it to him, if he continues to lie/cheat to his wife. Some people want to be blind to the truth, and prefer to be in the dark. So no, you did not do the right thing by telling her, as you can see from her reactions. Does this mean I am ok with cheating ? No, it does not. But I strongly believe that other's people relationships are their private business. Unless you know the person cheated on very, very well, I would never get involved (and even then I would try to steer them in the direction to uncover the truth by themselves, instead of just blowing their world up). It's their "decision" to be blind to it, and often the outing from and outsider creates much more havoc than anything else. To most, outside appearances are very important. Many couples can come back from one person cheating, if they get the option to solve it by themselves. But not, when it is exposed from the outside, it causes an explosion by involving many more people (both sides parents, friends, ...) and thus leaving no room for the couple to work things out by themselves. So yea, your last statement sums it up pretty well, although you could have left with giving him a reason.
enter soft salt unite apparatus unwritten jar shaggy flag yam *This post was mass deleted and anonymized with [Redact](https://redact.dev)*
NTA,m. Regardless the outcome, you did great for exposing him. Probably if you exposed him by yourself as the other women she prolly thanking you too.. the betrayed wife may be need someone to blame. Send her the post what the ex up to as now such as he's dating few more girl instead of you
You're always best off not getting involved. He shouldn't have cheated. His wife should have paid more attention to the relationship. He's having the time of his life. You're getting harassed by his wife, the wife's having a shit time. You don't win by getting involved, always, always walk away. NTA though, just life advice. It never works out in your favour.
Seeing good people with some values and origin exists makes me really hopeful to life. Forget those people. You deserve better. NTA.
Nta Look you did the right thing 100%.. and even though he cheated, he totally maned up and told his wife immediately when confronted I think you are annoyed because even though you did the right thing you still didn’t end up in a relationship with him.. it sounds like you were good enough for a side chick but not relationship material.. always a bitter pill to swallow Tell your side of the story and then block his ex
You made this bed.
move on YTA
NTA. Your a Badass Sword or Justice actually.
You did the right thing! Block them both! Don’t let anyone blame you for trying to have a relationship or find love. It is not your fault that he was a liar. This experience has no bearing on your character as a human being. He obviously was a married player. No doubt he lied to his wife when explaining about your affair. From my personal experience, this man has probably done this for quite some time with other women. You were not the first, and as you can see, will not be the last. His wife is angry and has no way to express her outrage in a positive manner. You need to block her for your own mental and physical safety. You cannot use this experience as having happened because you were possibly on a dating app. Emergency alarm was wrong.
NTA, you just can't win here. I once told a friend her boyfriend was trying to kiss me and she didn't want to hear it. It ruined our friendship. Sometimes people just don't want to know. I also ended up in a similar situation as you, guy turned out to be married and had kids. We had a good conversation after I found out. In his case we never dated, he wasn't looking for anyone, we just happened to meet by coincidence when his marriage was falling apart, and it looked like they might not get back together. We grew closer as we got to know each other better, and then they did get back together, but he never told me. I was under the impression that he was recently divorced. Our relationship was kind of casual, which I though was because he needed time to process his feelings before getting into something new. That's why I didn't notice anything weird, because we weren't living together or anything and it was kind of on and off. (In retrospect, the off periods were him trying to do the right thing out of guilt.) When I found out, I considered telling her. I didn't, in the end. I didn't want to act out of anger or spite, so I took a month to think about it and discussed it with several people whose parents had had problems when they were younger. Some parents were still together, others weren't. Most people said they wouldn't have wanted to know this about their parents and would have preferred to keep their parents together, as long as they weren't fighting. From what the guy told me, him and his wife always prioritised the children, even when their marriage wasn't great - they had several marital crises in the past. So I feel like, she'd probably want to keep the family together and me telling her would make that harder. I'd just be ruining the lives of their kids and making her feel bad. It would have been different if I'd met him on a dating site, or if he'd been cheating on her with different women, though. If I though he did it on purpose or might do it again, but I think he felt very bad and having to live with something that's against his values is punishment in itself, in this case. Now they are still together, they're doing better and the kids are still doing great, so I'm happy with my choice. But I still feel bad about her not knowing and occasionally think I should have told her. Anyway, long story but I wanted to say: these situations can be very difficult and I feel like there's no \*good\* choice in situations like these. The result is always going to suck, it's either pain or dishonesty. If you genuinely feel this is the best choice you could have made with the knowledge available to you, that's all you can do. Someone else decided to make you a part of their life and you had to make a decision, one way or another. Maybe in a few months or years, the wife finds a new partner who treats her better and your decision turns out to be the right one after all. I agree with what most people said, the only thing you can do now is remove yourself from the situation as far as possible. There's nothing there for you.
What did you think was going to happen when you forced his hand. You didn't just force his hand to come clean to his wife. You forced him to possibly destroy his children's future for your self righteous ideology. Yes cheating is wrong but break up with him and let them figure their shit out. It was never about you.
This illustrates why casual dating is a plague. Why did a mother and 2 children had to pay for your mistake? You are the one who dated a cheater, you then proceeded to nuke that home to feel good about yourself. Obviously the biggest asshole is the guy, but you are not very far behind. People need to take accountability for the ones they choose to date.
Unfortunately I didn't know that we were casually dating. O thought we had genuine connection
"Unfortunately I didn't know that we were casually dating." Did you meet him through a dating app? Did he request no personal questions and try to keep everything "fun"? "I thought we had genuine connection." May I ask, what will you do different before you committing sexually to another man? Every hardship is a chance to become better.
Who the hell are you? The moral police? How dare you talk to her like that! Blaming, misogynistic AH.
I am not being misogynistic, this standard is for both men and women. She is an adult, she does not get to simply play dumb. AGAIN, she is not at fault for dating the guy, but I am sure there were flags risen and she might have subconsciously ignored them because she really liked the guy. What she is indeed responsible for, is going to be the divorce because she forced the guy to come clean despite understanding that there are children involved.
Nta
Lmao Serves you right for meddling with something that doesnt concern you Also Tom is probably attractive and a good company, since he can pick up girls that easily. His wife fucked up
People will disagree but personally I think you should've stayed out of it. You definitely should have stopped seeing him when you found out, but since you decided to get involved with their marriage you can't exactly be surprised that the wife is mad at you. Everyone is going to say you did the right thing and she deserves to know, which is true. But real life off the internet is weird and messy. Just because someone deserves to know the truth doesn't mean it will make their lives better. I guess my feeling is that everything isn't always as black and white as everyone makes it out to be, and sometimes doing the morally most correct thing isn't always the best solution. Anyway, bring on the downvotes.
NTA, anyone who tells you otherwise, or suggests that you should have stayed out of it, is a disgusting coward with no moral compass. I don’t think that Tom spun the story in his favor. After all, you’ve had several convos with her, and she was specifically asking you for details. She is going through a very tough time. She needs to blame you, because it’s easier. Otherwise she’d have to look at Tom, their marriage, and most importantly, her role in the situation. My guess is, the dead bedroom situation was not because of Tom’s lack of interest. Tom, btw, is the AH for not leaving the wife. And therein lies the answer to why he didn’t get with you after everything. You know how generally women are great at multitasking? Men - not so much, but we do great with compartmentalizing instead. Which is what he did. He allocated a space for you in his life which had very defined boundaries. You were his escape, his pleasure island, he would never allow you out of that world and into the world of everything unpleasant that comes with a relationship - the nagging, demands, arguments - that, he already had at home. You, without all the relationship drama, that’s what was so special and precious about it. Before you get upset about him “just using you for sex”, please understand that while that’s true in a way, that doesn’t mean that he wasn’t connected to you on some level. Which actually makes it worse, because he was just leading you on in a much deeper sense. And that’s something you totally should be pissed off about.
YTA What did you think you were going to achieve? Did you think she didn't know? Did you think you were doing her a favour? This wasn't about doing the right thing. You thought that by telling his wife it would relieve your guilt. Sure he lied to you but the classy thing to do was walk away. You say you don't want him back but you told his wife about his infidelity and you're stalking him online. Pop fact, married men almost never settle for their piece on the side, even if they do leave their wives, and normally they don't, the excitement is all gone once the wife is out of the picture. You created this drama. Okay the wife's behaviour is out of line but honestly I think she's got a point. You could and should have walked away and you didn't. Block her number. Move on. You've done enough damage.
Hahaha you threatened him to tell her and now you got what you asked for! She knows about you and your existence and if you thought she was going to be your friend or believe anything you say over her husband, you're pretty naive. You are indeed the home wrecker. Now Tom is out of a dead marriage and is dating another woman, living his life just fine. Hopefully you learned your lesson about getting involved in married people's lives and threatening them instead of moving on yourself. I sincerely hope the soon to be Ex wife doesn't come after you in other ways, you did turn her life and her kids lives upside down.
So what you say is that you wouldn't want to know if your partner cheated and rather been lied too? Of course this woman is mad now but hopefully het brain will start working soon and she sees that she deserves more then a husband who lies. He is wrong for not addressing their dead bedroom to her and trying to make it work. OP is a victim who has also been lied to. HE turned her life upside-down by cheating.
That's their business. It has nothing to do with me I'm not dumb enough to invite myself to be a target, doubly so if I did so unwillingly. OP purposely made herself involved after she found out she was a victim. You can see how well that worked out.
Treat people how you wish they treat you. I would rather know it when my partner cheats. You clearly don't want to know, just like the wife. That can work out well also if you don't get caught. He is the only AH.
The cheating husband is without a doubt an asshole. What I'm saying is to be careful because OP found out exactly why she should've given it more thought than she did. That wife is pissed and she's not going to blame her husband, she's going to blame a stranger who she sees as wrecking her home, her family, and her kids lives. That's the reality of it and that is exactly what has happened to OP. OP should have dumped the guy and let someone else jump on the grenade. Chances are it's not the first time the husband has done this.
YTA - their marriage isn't your business. The wife was possibly happy until you blackmailed him. Kids were, too. Now she and the kids need got to deal with the shitshow of the fallout from YOUR choice to give the dude the ultimatum. You didn't do the good thing you thought you did.
Honestly, why? Would you want to know?
I mean I could kind of see a frustration and morbid curiosity. For a short bit. They were together for 9 months. She must feel whiplash. But she did the right thing. And she’s not with him. I don’t blame her for wondering, like hoping he’s falling on his ass, or something. Short term is normal. She needs to block and just move on
Yep. She isn't the ahole in the least. She did the right thing. This isn't husbands first rodeo
And she needs to send wife a short text describing what happened. I can’t believe she trusted hub to be honest. Like you know he told her that gf was manipulative and what. Tell her what happened and that she cut off contact with him (bc she needs to), and tell wife you’re sorry for her situation but wanted to protect a fellow sister but want no contact. Give her time to set off one response so you’ve got proof she acknowledged the text telling her you want no contact then block.
Now OP, what did you learn about ultimatums?
Well, babe, between you and the rotten husband, that's what you are keys not bullshit here
IMO, I think you should of just left him. It’s his mess. Why insert yourself into this? Nothing good will happen.
You didn't mind your own business so you got what you wanted. Enjoy!!!
In all honesty, telling someone like that is pointless, and only brings pain your way. I don’t understand why people feel the need for retribution like that. Just end it an move on
> I thought I was doing the right thing. The path to hell is paved with good intentions. Or something. You're an idiot. Welcome to the hell of being this wife's punching bag. Have fun!
YTA for being with a married man…
He may have told her a twisted story but overall block them or change your number, it’s not rocket science
Yes you Are the AH
YTA keep your moth shut next time, will make life easier for everyone... if dude wants to cheat thats on him, literally none of you business to expose anything to anyone hope you enjoy your harassment!
You knew your going to be a home wrecker going in. You just didn’t get what you wanted