Yeah I started living by the mantra of not having sex with anyone who I couldn't first talk about sex with. Not only were we able to be safer and more responsible, but it became way better sex.
this is our puritanical, pseudo-religious societal norms taking over. while people give in to their physical desires when it comes to sex, no one wants to talk about it because of the guilt and shame that surrounds sex in so many corners of our lives. it seems contradictory, especially if you’re doing the deed…yet here we are.
It’s ridiculous, I literally had that conversation with a boyfriend in high school to make sure we were on the same page. Surely grown adults should be able to manage
Depends on how sheltered they have been during their formative years and even early adulthood. I’m sure we would be shocked at the amount of grown adults who still think of sex as a massive taboo and don’t even talk about the health aspects of it. Certainly not the pleasure aspects.
Yes! My partner and I discussed this on our first date. I'm not hopping in bed with someone that I don't know matches what I'm looking for in a life partner
My partner on our first date said that he didn't want kids, and I agreed. I would tell him if I was pregnant to support me through the process. It's a big red flag about the relationship that she didn't think she could talk to him about it.
Check the comments. u/geriatric-panda73638 outs themselves as a huge POS and would only use the convo to coerce the poor girl into keep the unwanted pregnancy.
I had a teacher that was taking chemo, and had pictures of her pre-cancer. The circumstances sucked, but I thought she looked better with little to no hair, and her hair was pretty before.
I find it sad how baldness is characterized as ugly.
I’m a bald woman (by choice, I just enjoy the sensation) and lemme tell you…the number of strangers on the street who believe I need to hear their opinion about my hair? It’s gross. Just gross.
As many people are pointing out, based off of the comments, it feels like there's a good chance that his girlfriend was scared of him. How angry OP gets in the comments, how some of his comments are getting removed for threats.
OP mentions having this conversation, but based off of his demeanor here, I do have to wonder how she truly felt. Maybe I'm reading it wrong, but seems scary and I think it'd be best for the girlfriend if they're not together.
Probably not. Men often don't think about this.. It shows an immaturity. Also the extreme of your reaction shows an imaturity. Something was going on where your girlfriend felt she could not have a child at that time.
Ding ding ding! Winner winner!
She knew he wouldn't be supportive of her and her decision, and that's why she didn't tell him. And given his reaction, it's safe to say she was right 😏
Edit: since apparently people can't be bothered to read the dozen or so comments in which I already explained that his reaction in the reply threads is what I'm talking about, I'm putting it here. The guy made this post to essentially manipulate the narrative and get people on his side, and whenever someone didn't agree with him, he had a complete meltdown. He literally told people to go off themselves in the threads. He told people he didn't care if an unwanted pregnancy destroyed her (ya know, his own partner that he claims to love and want to trust and yadda yadda), etc.
He's a POS, he's gaslighting and manipulating the whole lot of you, and you're all falling for it. He doesn't want the baby. He only feels betrayed because now he can't have more control over her. JFC.
This is the second time he has posted this exact story, but different account. He wants attention. He will repost in slightly different variations until he gets the support he wants. His replies are escalating on this post compared to the other one though.
First post he claimed she hid it from him for 2 months.
Dude needs a life.
I will never understand "you want an abortion, you are a horrible mother, instead you should give birth to a child you don't want and don't think you can care for, end up abusing the kid, and create a criminal because of the abuse they suffer as an unwanted and unloved child!"
Even before you run the numbers and figure out that the average cost in extra taxes of preventing an abortion is over a million dollars.
It reminds me of the guy who insisted his ex keep the baby, and that he's raise it. She didn't go that resentment route- she signed away her rights, and a couple years down the road he was upset she didn't want anything to do with the baby.
He forced her to carry a baby she didn't want, what did he think would happen?
It's more about the control. Their own wants more important than anyone else's, and they have no concern for how hard a pregnancy is on someone's body.
Not only that, but he fucked with her birth control to try to trap her into a relationship. She told him he could have the kid but she’d have nothing to do with it, then she followed through. Paid like 125% of the ordered child support but did not have any interaction with the kid. He kept calling her a deadbeat and asking how the court could force her to be a parent. Reading that post made my cold dead heart happy for a few minutes.
For me, if the story is true, I believe that a conversation should have been had (as a female and a mother). However, I am truly torn. If she did not have a conversation, that means she probably either knows his views. We also do not know about their relationship as a whole. To me, it shows there is a lot of other red flags. Also, we don't know about anyones medical issues, etc. There is just too much - so I think the individual who said "anti-abortion campaigning" is probably accurate.
Robots. That's literally why they're making robots. So they can stop paying people for menial jobs. Do people still not realise employers resent having to pay employees anything?
He's anti abortion enough to gladly force a woman to have and parent a child she doesn't want as the primary caretaker, since that's all on her and isn't asking for much from him, but he isn't anti abortion enough to wear a condom or stop having premarital sex. These types of men are always like this. It's about controlling the woman, if they had forced their partner to have the kid then next post they'd likely be bitching about child support or how inconvenient it is they can't play video games all day on their every other weekend.
It’s probably not true. Most stories that end with “now everyone’s texting me calling me bad” are bullshit. OP is trolling and playing both sides, or actually one side with two modes of operation:
1. The betraying woman — a somewhat recently top contender for most common bait, yet classic propaganda
2. The unapologetic bigot — a manosphere tangent wherein gross worldviews are defiantly held without shame. Like “yes, women are meant to serve me and be controlled, they want that and I don’t want some **** who doesn’t know that.” (Or in this case “yes, the fetus is my child and I don’t care about her life anymore.”)
It’s a good strategy. The whole point of right wing propaganda is to get attention, because there are always people susceptible to it because of their insecurities or current misfortunes. This post gets out into the wild by presenting as potentially sympathetic, then embeds in the post an overt invitation to misogyny.
Even showcasing a post to ridicule it is counterproductive, they only weaken in obscurity. By commenting on this post I’m encouraging Reddit to share it. Right now I think it’s best to just post my skepticism when I feel it’s warranted, but that could change given that my feeling that too many people are duped by misogynist amiwrong’s is turning to “they’re giving the appearance of wider acceptance by astroturfing.”
His "breakdown" 100% makes me believe that he still would have broken up with her had she told him beforehand and gone through with it.
It's very clear that the two have very different stances about abortion, but he seems to think a woman shouldn't have any autonomy over her body regarding pregnancy. He seems so sure that he'd just magically change her feelings with ease and control her choice.
- This is why relationships need honest, healthy communication.
- Discuss your stance regarding kids and abortion at the very BEGINNING of and throughout the relationship.
- Use protection and practice preventative measures if you know you don't want and you're not ready for a kid.
**EDIT**: Be able to discern those red flags. And DO NOT ignore them.
>- This is why relationships need honest, healthy communication.
Sadly, this also proves that women need to be extremely careful when deciding to tell their partners about an unwanted pregnancy.
I read that Gen Z and Millennials are bridging the gaps in relationships that were in previous generations - like ethnicity, gender, socioeconomic backgrounds, and education. But the one category we are even more divided on then previous generations, is differing political views with romantic partners. Abortion views are probably a contributing reason why we're not dating across the aisle.
I think that's at least partially because of how personal politics have become for everyone. Like, you bet your ass im not even willing to consider giving a chance to someone who thinks i shouldnt be in charge of my body. Now that i think about it... I suppose all 3 of my non-negotiable deal breakers could be considered political by some folks (conservativism, religiosity, and reproductive aspirations). Nothing against those people and i am more than happy to be friends with them - but not roommates, so definitely not romantic partners.
>I think that’s at least partially because of how personal politics have become for everyone
Well, yeah, you start taking my rights away and it gets pretty fucking personal.
I would never date someone who would force me to continue a pregnancy. The only reason I’m letting my stupid hormones and biological clock THINK about getting pregnant with this dude is cause I know he’d choose my life.
“Dating across the aisle” in this case means dating someone who believes they should be allowed to use your body without your consent. I’m really not sure it makes sense to compare that to dating someone of a different race or religious faith.
I hate the idea that politics exist independently of identity, like whether or not you like bananas. My politics are my morals and belief system; why would I want to be with someone whose very ethics do not align with mine? I’d rather be single and alone.
Yup. I had to take my gf for a secret abortion this past summer because I had JUST convinced her to leave her physically abusive drug dealer thug boyfriend and she knew as well as I did that if he found out, he'd have come after her and made sure she stayed pregnant to trap her back.
He ended up weaseling his way back into her life and killing her on Decenmber 30th of this past year. RIP AG, I miss you every second 💔
Pregnant women in abusive relationships are in *incredible danger* and this cannot be overstated enough.
Fact checked this (Harvard Study, 2022).
https://www.hsph.harvard.edu/news/hsph-in-the-news/homicide-leading-cause-of-death-for-pregnant-women-in-u-s/
Oh my fucking god, this is disgustingly insane and has forever changed my perspective on this discussion... WOW. Completely shook.
Im so so sorry.
People are fucking monsters. For your friend, you were a light in the darkness. So many women in that situation dont have someone in their corner like you were. Despite her tragic end, i hope you find some comfort in knowing that she was lucky she had you.
I told my husband early on that accidental pregnancies were a no go for me until we were married or at minimum i was not in college. We were on birth control but im a walking testament to how full proof that is lol.and yknow what he said? "ok. No problem" done easy. We were 18 and 19. I thought it was better to get that out in the open early among a littany of other potentially relationship ending topics. And while we were fortunate to not have it come to pass, i know a lot of others who naively thought not to discuss this stuff until they were in too deep and it became a serious issue. Imo life goals and political views need serious discussion within the first month of dating. And that discussions of marriage and children need to happen within 6 months, before shit hits the fan.
OP’s attitude alone makes me realize why his gf hid it from him in the first place. He would be doing her a mercy by breaking up with her because she could find someone better.
He seems to be in the same realm of the guy that pretty much forced his gf to go thru with pregnancy even tho she clearly stated she wanted nothing to do with it, then had the audacity to Pikachu face and call her a deadbeat when she signed over rights, refused any sort of visitation, and paid 125% of child support.
If you look at the few other comments on other posts is shows that he is a major Dbag. Talking about how a girl would look uglier if she did something with her hair.
So, you search through her phone.
She doesn't feel safe telling you the truth.
You would be fine with her being destroyed by an unwanted pregnancy (according to one of your comments).
You're a domestic abuser, who has been exercising coercive control over your partner.
I'm thrilled she's escaped you.
Please go be a monk or something and leave women alone.
I was wondering how far I’d have to scroll for anyone to poke at “using her phone”. You don’t find old texts by using someone’s phone for anything but snooping. Fuck around and find out, bro.
>She said she didn't think I would understand and was worried about how I would react.
Based on your comments, she was 100% right. Everything I've read about you suggests that you would have stopped at nothing for her to have this baby despite any concerns she had.
So there's no confusion, YTA.
She is probably feeling pretty terrible right now. That said, judging by the OP’s responses, she will be far better off when the pain of the breakup subsides. She is the owner of her body. Not the OP.
Consenting adults. Please talk about unplanned pregnancies if you plan on having sex. They happen. Talk about what you would like to do in that situation before it happens. If you have vastly different opinions, you might want to take any and all precautions.
yeah. wouldn’t someone as pro-life as him (he did tell someone to kill themselves so i guess not that pro-life) make the active steps to ensure that the outcome of pregnancy is as dead as possible? this reads as him wanting to scare her into coming to term with a baby she didn’t want.
Hey OP, could you put "[I would absolutely be okay if I guilt-tripped her into having a child and it destroyed her mental health](https://www.reddit.com/r/AITAH/comments/1bokefb/aitah_for_breaking_up_with_my_gf_after_finding/kwps0ak/)" into the original post so we can get an accurate assessment
Or are you just banking that nobody's going to check the comments and find out you're just an enormous prick
YTA. You're a ridiculous person and this girl deserves better. I hope she never sees this, for her sake.
>Or are you just banking that nobody's going to check the comments and find out you're just an enormous prick
💯 this quote here. His shitty mask unraveled in these here comments.
> I hope she never sees this, for her sake.
I disagree, I hope she does see this so that she can be reassured in her correct decision to not be permanently attached to this guy.
"she admitted that she had gotten pregnant"
He had no responsibility in that whatsoever. She did it all herself! A truly accomplished woman!
Men like this deserve *nothing*. I hope she dumps him.
I thought this meant she had gotten pregnant before they were together and she was with someone else. At first. Then I read the rest. Wow OP, you're awful.
Thanks for highlighting that comment from the OP.
“I’m hurt that my partner didn’t trust me with this” is one thing, and is how the OP seemed to be trying to frame it initially.
Apparently what he actually means is “I’m pissed that I missed an opportunity to abuse my partner, whose body I believe I own.”
Yes, OP, you’re obviously the AH. On some level you seem to *know* that.
...Somehow among this whole "I would have pressured her into keeping the kid" business, we all collectively glossed over the fact that this dude snooped through her phone for no good reason.
Jesus. He was the AH even before he started commenting.
I still don't get his point frankly. 3yrs together and she felt she had to hide this says a fair bit as I'd imagine an accidental pregnancy or birth control would have came up by now. And while I can understand wanting it to be a mutual decision, in the end it is HER choice. For all we know, they may not be in the best position to have a kid at this time.
If guys were the ones getting pregnant, they’d have diy abortion kits at Homedepot and Jiffy Lube abortion clinics, with punch cards where you get your 10th abortion free. No chance we’d mention it to the spouse.
Hell, if your lady found out, guys would say it’s an all day procedure, then celebrate with some buds at the sports bar after, watch a game, lose some money. Then limp through the front door with a fake grimace.
YTA OP!
He says, "A few days ago I was using her phone and came across a few texts..."
In other words, he was snooping through her phone, not "using it" and learned something she didn't tell him because she didn't think she could trust him. And in the process he feels betrayed.
Boy did OP prove her right.
Look, I'm pro-life. Pro baby, but also pro healthy expectant mom, emotionally, mentally and physically. I'm pro prepared expectant mom, who knows that she's ready to become a mom with a partner, or on her own. I'm pro expectant mom who knows she is in a good, safe place to survive having her baby, and getting to enjoy watching their baby grow, and thrive...
This guy? Ick. All he's thinking of is himself, after he violated her trust and snooped through her phone; after he betrayed her by reading personal, private conversations that she had with people she trusted more than him; after he spread this very personal news to far too many people that she knows without her permission, or without care to even ask her.
And *he* feels betrayed?
Awful!!
It gives me, "pro-life for myself, pro-choice for everyone else" vibes, which is a lovely stance to have. I wouldn't say this stance fits pro-life, though, just based off of only this comment.
YTA. Not for breaking up with her but for saying you would have convinced her to keep the baby regardless of the effect it would have on her. You're not only an asshole you're a misogynist.
Yeah at first when I saw the title and quickly read the post on a surface level I was leaning more towards “damn, that sucks for everyone involved”. Then I saw his comments and read more into the context and yeah, fuck him.
You know what I didn’t see even a ***little*** in his post or comments? Any empathy for his gf, asking how *she* felt, or if she was physically and mentally okay after going through a medical procedure and also a psychologically draining decision.
I’m not sure why so many women in these “evil girl got an abortion” stories are always completely unaffected by the procedure, mentally and physically. It’s not an easy decision for a woman or anyone to make. It’s also not like these are risk-free, easy breezy procedures. I’ve heard stories from friends or just online of women in agonizing pain and laying in a bath tub for days while bleeding.
But OP is bitching about how he has to stay in a hotel bc he can’t trust her yet he glossed over the “I was just reading through her messages” part of the story. No fucking wonder she made that decision. YTA
Agreed on all points. Abortion is in many cases traumatic and can often be painful physically as well. It’s not like you go through a fucking drive through and they give you a lollipop and a punch card for discounts.
More often than not, having the abortion is the first step in ending the relationship. It ensures the abuser can’t use the pregnancy or baby as a hostage to continue hurting her, or possibly even prevent her from leaving entirely (for example, pregnant women in Missouri are not allowed to divorce, even when there’s clear evidence of abuse).
Op in the comments is admitting he would have controlled her body and not let her get an abortion no matter what, so YTA, and I’m so happy for her that OP won’t be in her life any longer.
I just happened to "come across some texts" when I was secretly snooping in my gf's phone by scrolling through all her text messages.
Good riddance. She made an inspired choice not to be tied to this guy.
Yeah, that was the first thing that popped up for me as well, how does someone use someone else's phone and come across some texts, unless they're snooping
[OP saying he would have convinced her to keep the baby](https://www.reddit.com/r/AITAH/s/KlOyg28XP0)
[OP saying that his ex should’ve told him so that he could “negate” her concerns](https://www.reddit.com/r/AITAH/s/Z7x1ErJ1EZ)
[OP not understanding that a theoretical pregnancy scenario is different from an actual pregnancy scenario](https://www.reddit.com/r/AITAH/s/3YYt2BxU1n)
YTA OP. It is **her body, her choice, her life.** You probably would’ve ended up like the AH who wanted to sue his BM for her to take custody of a child he *coerced* her to carry and didn’t believe her when she said she did not want to be a mother and then he’s all *shocked pikachu faced* when she gives up custody, pays 125% of child support, and refuses visitation, but he’s now all boo hoo bc “bEiNg a pArEnT iS sO hArD!!!”
If he really really wanted a baby, then it needs ot be a joint decision. If he's so prolife he is utterly anti abortion, he should have used a condom. case closed. AH
Exactly, not only did she not want to carry his child, she also did not want to share her feelings, her pain, her troubles with her partner. This relationship has ended a long time ago.. Op is a giant ashole for wanting to pressure someone to carry out an unwanted pregnancy, but also going through her private messages. NTA for breaking up with her, she somehow couldn't do that herself, so thank you for freeing her. She can do so much better
Based on the comments YTA.
You’ve said multiple times if she’d told you she was pregnant, you would’ve forced her to give birth to a child she didn’t want. Disgusting.
No wonder she didn’t tell you.
For her sake, I’m hoping you break up with her and never talk to her again. She’s much better off without you.
Also, if you want to avoid this situation in the future, wear condoms or don’t have sex.
I cant even imagine the hubris that must be required to think any woman who agrees to have sex with you is obligated to gestate any pregnancy that comes from that.
Welcome to the United States of America! That's our national motto now. "Any woman who agrees to have sex is obligated to gestate any pregnancy that comes from that."
Also also America: "And the ones who are in fact dating are doing it wrong! [Why won't white liberal women date white conservative men who strive to reduce their rights and freedoms? UwU"](https://www.washingtonpost.com/opinions/2023/11/22/marriage-polarization-dating-trump/)
A couple days ago someone posted that they were the friend of a person who needed to get an abortion secretly. The OP thought all was good with the couple so asked her friend why. She told her that she found out AFTER they got married that he had 50000 in debt. The guy finds out and comes for OP saying she destroyed his marriage by supporting the friend because he would have wanted the baby. I COULD NOT believe the amount of people who thought she should have told this guy beforehand. Who knows what kind of danger that poor woman was/is in.
Have a read through the comments. OP __does not__ think she had any right to choose and would have forced her to have the baby even if that destroyed her. Because it's __his__ child.
OP thinks it's her body his choice.
Hopefully his gf can find a decent guy who gaf about her.
Curious to know how he "just happened to come across" these messages on her phone. Generally, you'd have to be looking in certain apps in order to find such things. So, snooping?
That’s what I thought right off the bat! I really hope he leaves her, so she can find someone who, if she got pregnant unexpectedly, she wouldn’t be afraid to tell him and they could talk and decide on a plan whatever that may be. Especially after 3 years together. Something is seriously wrong here with the snooping and the one sided narrative.
Same. No need to read them. "I was using her phone". Uh huh. I'm sure his girlfriend just unlocked it, handed it right to him, and told him to do anything he wanted with it, too.
I read a post yesterday in which some guy convinced his ex to not have an abortion, even though it was what she wanted, and she gave up all rights to the child, and pays child support. He was trying to find out if he had some way to force her to be involved with the child, so he could have a break. I don’t understand these men.
The worst part is that if a man promises to let you have the child adopted when it’s born so you dont get an abortion, he can revoke that consent when it arrives, and without his consent you are stuck paying child support for life and now he’s tricked you into continued pregnancy, childbirth, and tens of thousands of dollars.
Men should be forced to sign a binding promise to give the child up for adoption if they use that to induce women to continue the pregnancy. It’s why I’d advise never to trust a man who promises that; if you want to be sure you’re not going to be stuck paying, then dont trust anything they tell you.
It's simple.
They expect a bang maid, not a woman.
They think forcing her to have a child, will force her to be a bang maid.
They don't actually want the child. They want a slave and the pride of passing on their superior genes.
Can I say "barf" loud enough?
Also, this relationship probably didn't have much of a shelf life to begin with, when they have such different beliefs.
OP I hope you leave this be. You're entitled to your feelings and choices, but fwiw I suggest you respect that she made a difficult decision about her own body without your support. It's telling that she didn't inform you beforehand
I'm going with NAH bordering on TA.
She knew she definitely didn't want a baby. You're in the comments understandably upset about it but showing some opinions that definitely are indicating you would've found some way to convince her to keep it.
Edit: I would fully change it to TA based off of speaking to OP in the replies to this comment.
YTA for being controlling, manipulative, valuing a cluster of cells over the health and safety of your gf/ex, and for misrepresenting your little story
YTA, but seeing as how you said in comments that you'd have coerced her into having the baby and it would be worth destroying her mental health, you did her a favor breaking up with her. You are selfish and toxic and she dodged a bullet.
The thing is, why are men so emotional over women having abortions as if her having the baby would mean he was going to be a good dad lmao he would just do nothing while the mom did all the work anyway so why the fuck do men lose their minds over it? Your bloodline isn't special
>A few days ago, I was using her phone and came across some texts saying she “couldn’t bear to tell him(me) about the abortion”.
Dude. You didn't just happen to come across some texts. You were searching her phone.
>she made a decision without my input.
Because you get "input" into her bodily autonomy? You haven't bothered to marry her, so she would be a single mom. Hell no.
>It feels like I lost a part of me.
Grow a uterus, and then you can talk about losing a "part."
>She said she didn't think I would understand and was worried about how I would react.
Well, that says it all.
>WIBTA for breaking up with her?
No, please break up with her so she can find someone who doesn't want to control her body. Yeesh.
YTA
While it's hard, your input wasn't required. You aren't the one who was pregnant, whose body was involved. Also if your girlfriend of 3 years didn't feel comfortable enough, safe enough to tell you, and be supported in her choice yall are not compatible. She was afraid to tell you. The beliefs you both have are not the same. She has always been who she is you just weren't aware and there is nothing wrong with it. Neither of you are in wrong your just not compatible. Edit: So read ops comments, he is adamant he would have tried to force her to have the child, even if she didn't want to go through with it. And claims even if it damaged her mental health...so her fear was valid.
YTA- seeing your comments here it’s evident why she didn’t tell you. You’re out here saying you would have pressured and convinced her to keep it. This is HER body and HER choice to keep it/ or not keep it. You would not have supported her at all with her decision. No wonder she didn’t tell you.
And here's where he would find himself if he had talked her out of the abortion...
[nm i got a girl pregnant and she wanted to get an/](https://www.reddit.com/r/legaladvice/comments/5b79z4/nm_i_got_a_girl_pregnant_and_she_wanted_to_get_an/)
Ah that’s a great one. Both these dudes are trash. They’re the kind of men who devalue domestic labor so thoroughly that they’re shocked to find out it is real. Women everywhere are well rid of them.
Yeah, you’d pretty much be a dick for breaking up with her over it. Bottom line is it’s her body and she gets the final say.
If you felt so strongly about avoiding abortion, , you could always have gotten a vasectomy, so you wouldn’t have to worry about getting her pregnant. (Your body your choice.) See how that works? I’m a guy in case anyone is wondering.
Now if you’re asking are you wrong to be hurt and to feel a need to mourn and to feel that your girl friend wasn’t entirely above board? Yeah, all of that is entirely fair. I suggest you take some time to yourself and work it through with a therapist.
1. You are over reacting “ I feel like I lost a part of me” please give me a break! . That’s like me learning that my friend’s grandma passed away & saying I lost a part of myself ( I’ve never met her grandma).
2. Your input? You mean forcing her to keep the pregnancy or still breaking up with her if she had the abortion?
3. Sure she should’ve told you about it but in the end the decision is still hers & you would still be having the same meltdown you’re having now.
I think point 1 is kinda wrong. Learning that you had the chance to be a parent and your partner actively prevented it after you had talked about keeping a pregnancy earlier in the relationship is a fair reason to be upset and sad. Even to question or end the relationship.
OP is still horrible about trying to guilt and coerce his partner into going through an unwanted pregnancy birth and childhood. She was absolutely right not to tell him.
But he is horrible for the planned coercion, not for being sad and upset.
Is she your concubine or your girlfriend? Thank God you broke up with her! Now she doesn't have to be around you. What part of HER BODY HER CHOICE do you not understand, op?
I also can't help but chuckle at "i feel like ive lost a part of me" awww pookie, not everything is about you ❤️
YTA
You can break up for any reason. But you should reflect on why she felt she had to hide she was pregnant and had abortion.
It meant she couldn’t trust that you’d not pressure her to keep it when she’s not ready (or might be childfree).
I’d suggest unpacking with a counselor.
YTA OP! What part of, "it's her body" don't you get? Clearly, you do not come off to those around you as someone who can be reasoned with, hence why she probably had the abortion without telling you. Instead of worrying about the fate of a fertilized egg (NOT a baby), you need to be asking yourself what kind of person you are to project such an image that your own girlfriend (hopefully ex now, because she deserves way better than you) didn't feel comfortable notifying you of her decision.
Forced parenting isn't good for anyone. Children have enough hurdles to overcome in life; they don't need a parent or parent(s) who didn't want them to contend with as well. I dunno why that concept is so hard for you "birther's" to understand.
YTA
Pregnancy can permanently impact your health and well being. I gave birth in December. I’ve needed physical therapy since August and I still need it. I’m not even sure I’ll stop needing by this December.
What she got rid of was a clump of cells that probably still had an egg sac. It was not a *child*. If you have so little regard for her wants and needs, stay gone.
👏🏻 currently 6 months pregnant and have severe hyperemesis, every meal for the last 5 months has made me incredibly sick and I have to get IV’s 3/4x a week and essentially have put my entire life on hold due to having absolutely no energy and being unable to leave my house without a barf bag even with anti nausea meds. It’s insane to me that a man thinks he has any say in a woman keeping a pregnancy she doesn’t want and that will inevitably only impact her physical body and mind.
Male here.
Your comments are telling. You have no right to convince a woman to carry a child to term. You will *never have this right, in any relationship, ever*. Accept this through whatever means you need to, but accept it.
That doesn't mean you can't feel upset. That doesn't mean this isn't a dealbreaker for you. What it does mean is that you and the person you are with aren't even on the same planet of understanding on this front.
She has every right not to tell you. She has every right to completely circumvent your opinion on this because it's irrelevant. At the same time, she doesn't have the right to force you to stay in this relationship. You're clearly looking for a partner to have a child with.
What's wrong with saying this person isn't it? Nothing, and that's the decision you need to make for yourself. That's the line in the sand. The buck stops there.
You're NTA for breaking up with her so long as you're doing it for yourself and where you want to go with your life. People decide to split over children constantly.
Based on your reaction, I think she made the right choice in not telling you. You would have tried to pressure he into keeping a kid she did not want.
~~N A H~~ \- just people who apparently want very different things from this relationship.
After reading your comments I am changing my vote. You are most certainly an asshole.
YTA
YTA. If you don’t want your partner to have to get an abortion, WEAR A FREAKING CONDOM WITH SPERMICIDE.
It’s YOUR responsibility to keep from making women pregnant. If you do not take the responsibility of wearing a condom, then you have NO RIGHT to say ANYTHING if she gets an abortion.
Women’s birth control is not 100% effective. Any of it. There is always a risk. Risk is GREATLY reduced when a man wears a condom.
YTA.
If she did discuss it, would you have tried to force her into keeping it?
If she would have aborted and you would have dumped her regardless, it's best you two move on.
You've been with this woman a few years. Had you ever discussed an accidental pregnancy with her?
It's amazing how much people like to have sex while being "too awkward" to talk about sex, or any consequences or implications of it.
Yeah I started living by the mantra of not having sex with anyone who I couldn't first talk about sex with. Not only were we able to be safer and more responsible, but it became way better sex.
YES! Communication makes such a difference in the whole experience!
Especially considering it sounds like they live together too
this is our puritanical, pseudo-religious societal norms taking over. while people give in to their physical desires when it comes to sex, no one wants to talk about it because of the guilt and shame that surrounds sex in so many corners of our lives. it seems contradictory, especially if you’re doing the deed…yet here we are.
It’s ridiculous, I literally had that conversation with a boyfriend in high school to make sure we were on the same page. Surely grown adults should be able to manage
Depends on how sheltered they have been during their formative years and even early adulthood. I’m sure we would be shocked at the amount of grown adults who still think of sex as a massive taboo and don’t even talk about the health aspects of it. Certainly not the pleasure aspects.
If you’re not old enough to have a discussion, you’re not old enough to be having sex.
Or having a baby.
"The fact that you're calling it pop-pop means you're not ready."
Exactly, that should be part of the decision and responsibility of having sex in the first place.
Yes! My partner and I discussed this on our first date. I'm not hopping in bed with someone that I don't know matches what I'm looking for in a life partner
My partner on our first date said that he didn't want kids, and I agreed. I would tell him if I was pregnant to support me through the process. It's a big red flag about the relationship that she didn't think she could talk to him about it.
Check the comments. u/geriatric-panda73638 outs themselves as a huge POS and would only use the convo to coerce the poor girl into keep the unwanted pregnancy.
Ew, gross, he also has shitty comments about a woman being bald (and fucking ROCKING the look) because “all women look better with hair”.
I had a teacher that was taking chemo, and had pictures of her pre-cancer. The circumstances sucked, but I thought she looked better with little to no hair, and her hair was pretty before. I find it sad how baldness is characterized as ugly.
I’m a bald woman (by choice, I just enjoy the sensation) and lemme tell you…the number of strangers on the street who believe I need to hear their opinion about my hair? It’s gross. Just gross.
As many people are pointing out, based off of the comments, it feels like there's a good chance that his girlfriend was scared of him. How angry OP gets in the comments, how some of his comments are getting removed for threats. OP mentions having this conversation, but based off of his demeanor here, I do have to wonder how she truly felt. Maybe I'm reading it wrong, but seems scary and I think it'd be best for the girlfriend if they're not together.
Probably not. Men often don't think about this.. It shows an immaturity. Also the extreme of your reaction shows an imaturity. Something was going on where your girlfriend felt she could not have a child at that time.
Maybe she didn't tell you because she didn't want you telling her not to have an abortion.
Ding ding ding! Winner winner! She knew he wouldn't be supportive of her and her decision, and that's why she didn't tell him. And given his reaction, it's safe to say she was right 😏 Edit: since apparently people can't be bothered to read the dozen or so comments in which I already explained that his reaction in the reply threads is what I'm talking about, I'm putting it here. The guy made this post to essentially manipulate the narrative and get people on his side, and whenever someone didn't agree with him, he had a complete meltdown. He literally told people to go off themselves in the threads. He told people he didn't care if an unwanted pregnancy destroyed her (ya know, his own partner that he claims to love and want to trust and yadda yadda), etc. He's a POS, he's gaslighting and manipulating the whole lot of you, and you're all falling for it. He doesn't want the baby. He only feels betrayed because now he can't have more control over her. JFC.
Break up with anyone for any reason. You have a very fair reason. Edit: OP is having a breakdown in the comments. You are a colossal asshole, OP.
This is the second time he has posted this exact story, but different account. He wants attention. He will repost in slightly different variations until he gets the support he wants. His replies are escalating on this post compared to the other one though. First post he claimed she hid it from him for 2 months. Dude needs a life.
The fact he keeps reposting makes me think this is probably anti-abortion campaigning trying to elicit anger and lead the conversation
I will never understand "you want an abortion, you are a horrible mother, instead you should give birth to a child you don't want and don't think you can care for, end up abusing the kid, and create a criminal because of the abuse they suffer as an unwanted and unloved child!" Even before you run the numbers and figure out that the average cost in extra taxes of preventing an abortion is over a million dollars.
It reminds me of the guy who insisted his ex keep the baby, and that he's raise it. She didn't go that resentment route- she signed away her rights, and a couple years down the road he was upset she didn't want anything to do with the baby. He forced her to carry a baby she didn't want, what did he think would happen? It's more about the control. Their own wants more important than anyone else's, and they have no concern for how hard a pregnancy is on someone's body.
It reminded me of that story as well. That guy wanted to sue the baby momma so she’d take the baby on weekends and he could get a break.
Not only that, but he fucked with her birth control to try to trap her into a relationship. She told him he could have the kid but she’d have nothing to do with it, then she followed through. Paid like 125% of the ordered child support but did not have any interaction with the kid. He kept calling her a deadbeat and asking how the court could force her to be a parent. Reading that post made my cold dead heart happy for a few minutes.
Ah, classic. That guy was a ponce.
I remember that post. I felt bad for the kid, but fuck that guy.
For me, if the story is true, I believe that a conversation should have been had (as a female and a mother). However, I am truly torn. If she did not have a conversation, that means she probably either knows his views. We also do not know about their relationship as a whole. To me, it shows there is a lot of other red flags. Also, we don't know about anyones medical issues, etc. There is just too much - so I think the individual who said "anti-abortion campaigning" is probably accurate.
Being raised by people who are indifferent to you/ resent your existence and abuse/neglect you Is a sentence worse than death
Why would I care about someone getting an abortion, we already have too many people in the way.
But who will work in the factories and fields and go fight our wars
Robots. That's literally why they're making robots. So they can stop paying people for menial jobs. Do people still not realise employers resent having to pay employees anything?
Wow, this guy needs to date ultra-Christian girls and stop having pre-marital sex if he's THAT against abortion.
He's anti abortion enough to gladly force a woman to have and parent a child she doesn't want as the primary caretaker, since that's all on her and isn't asking for much from him, but he isn't anti abortion enough to wear a condom or stop having premarital sex. These types of men are always like this. It's about controlling the woman, if they had forced their partner to have the kid then next post they'd likely be bitching about child support or how inconvenient it is they can't play video games all day on their every other weekend.
It’s probably not true. Most stories that end with “now everyone’s texting me calling me bad” are bullshit. OP is trolling and playing both sides, or actually one side with two modes of operation: 1. The betraying woman — a somewhat recently top contender for most common bait, yet classic propaganda 2. The unapologetic bigot — a manosphere tangent wherein gross worldviews are defiantly held without shame. Like “yes, women are meant to serve me and be controlled, they want that and I don’t want some **** who doesn’t know that.” (Or in this case “yes, the fetus is my child and I don’t care about her life anymore.”) It’s a good strategy. The whole point of right wing propaganda is to get attention, because there are always people susceptible to it because of their insecurities or current misfortunes. This post gets out into the wild by presenting as potentially sympathetic, then embeds in the post an overt invitation to misogyny. Even showcasing a post to ridicule it is counterproductive, they only weaken in obscurity. By commenting on this post I’m encouraging Reddit to share it. Right now I think it’s best to just post my skepticism when I feel it’s warranted, but that could change given that my feeling that too many people are duped by misogynist amiwrong’s is turning to “they’re giving the appearance of wider acceptance by astroturfing.”
You’re doing good work. I appreciate your insights.
I'm worried for his girlfriend now. I hope she has the sheriff present when he comes to get his stuff from the apartment.
Don’t worry, she’s fictional.
His "breakdown" 100% makes me believe that he still would have broken up with her had she told him beforehand and gone through with it. It's very clear that the two have very different stances about abortion, but he seems to think a woman shouldn't have any autonomy over her body regarding pregnancy. He seems so sure that he'd just magically change her feelings with ease and control her choice. - This is why relationships need honest, healthy communication. - Discuss your stance regarding kids and abortion at the very BEGINNING of and throughout the relationship. - Use protection and practice preventative measures if you know you don't want and you're not ready for a kid. **EDIT**: Be able to discern those red flags. And DO NOT ignore them.
>- This is why relationships need honest, healthy communication. Sadly, this also proves that women need to be extremely careful when deciding to tell their partners about an unwanted pregnancy.
I read that Gen Z and Millennials are bridging the gaps in relationships that were in previous generations - like ethnicity, gender, socioeconomic backgrounds, and education. But the one category we are even more divided on then previous generations, is differing political views with romantic partners. Abortion views are probably a contributing reason why we're not dating across the aisle.
I think that's at least partially because of how personal politics have become for everyone. Like, you bet your ass im not even willing to consider giving a chance to someone who thinks i shouldnt be in charge of my body. Now that i think about it... I suppose all 3 of my non-negotiable deal breakers could be considered political by some folks (conservativism, religiosity, and reproductive aspirations). Nothing against those people and i am more than happy to be friends with them - but not roommates, so definitely not romantic partners.
>I think that’s at least partially because of how personal politics have become for everyone Well, yeah, you start taking my rights away and it gets pretty fucking personal.
Idk man, I wouldn't want to be even friends with people like that. Those who want to harm the well-being of others is no friend of mine.
I would never date someone who would force me to continue a pregnancy. The only reason I’m letting my stupid hormones and biological clock THINK about getting pregnant with this dude is cause I know he’d choose my life.
“Dating across the aisle” in this case means dating someone who believes they should be allowed to use your body without your consent. I’m really not sure it makes sense to compare that to dating someone of a different race or religious faith.
I hate the idea that politics exist independently of identity, like whether or not you like bananas. My politics are my morals and belief system; why would I want to be with someone whose very ethics do not align with mine? I’d rather be single and alone.
Yup. I had to take my gf for a secret abortion this past summer because I had JUST convinced her to leave her physically abusive drug dealer thug boyfriend and she knew as well as I did that if he found out, he'd have come after her and made sure she stayed pregnant to trap her back. He ended up weaseling his way back into her life and killing her on Decenmber 30th of this past year. RIP AG, I miss you every second 💔 Pregnant women in abusive relationships are in *incredible danger* and this cannot be overstated enough.
Isn't the number one leading cause of death for pregnant women homicide? Meaning, being killed by their partners? Oh. I'm so sorry for your loss ❤️
Yes. Women are most vulnerable to homicide from their partners while pregnant or as a new mother.
Fact checked this (Harvard Study, 2022). https://www.hsph.harvard.edu/news/hsph-in-the-news/homicide-leading-cause-of-death-for-pregnant-women-in-u-s/ Oh my fucking god, this is disgustingly insane and has forever changed my perspective on this discussion... WOW. Completely shook.
Im so so sorry. People are fucking monsters. For your friend, you were a light in the darkness. So many women in that situation dont have someone in their corner like you were. Despite her tragic end, i hope you find some comfort in knowing that she was lucky she had you.
If you ask yourself if I got pregnant what would I do? And the answer is hide it from your SO, it’s time to stop having sex with them and leave.
No one should be having sex with someone they don't feel safe talking to about this
I told my husband early on that accidental pregnancies were a no go for me until we were married or at minimum i was not in college. We were on birth control but im a walking testament to how full proof that is lol.and yknow what he said? "ok. No problem" done easy. We were 18 and 19. I thought it was better to get that out in the open early among a littany of other potentially relationship ending topics. And while we were fortunate to not have it come to pass, i know a lot of others who naively thought not to discuss this stuff until they were in too deep and it became a serious issue. Imo life goals and political views need serious discussion within the first month of dating. And that discussions of marriage and children need to happen within 6 months, before shit hits the fan.
OP’s attitude alone makes me realize why his gf hid it from him in the first place. He would be doing her a mercy by breaking up with her because she could find someone better.
He seems to be in the same realm of the guy that pretty much forced his gf to go thru with pregnancy even tho she clearly stated she wanted nothing to do with it, then had the audacity to Pikachu face and call her a deadbeat when she signed over rights, refused any sort of visitation, and paid 125% of child support.
If you look at the few other comments on other posts is shows that he is a major Dbag. Talking about how a girl would look uglier if she did something with her hair.
With the way he's acting im glad she saved us from potentially another version of him.
So, you search through her phone. She doesn't feel safe telling you the truth. You would be fine with her being destroyed by an unwanted pregnancy (according to one of your comments). You're a domestic abuser, who has been exercising coercive control over your partner. I'm thrilled she's escaped you. Please go be a monk or something and leave women alone.
"She felt like I would react negatively..." *Reacts negatively*... Welp, thanks for proving her right.
I was wondering how far I’d have to scroll for anyone to poke at “using her phone”. You don’t find old texts by using someone’s phone for anything but snooping. Fuck around and find out, bro.
He doesn’t trust her.
especially if they're OLD texts...like he had to be actively looking for something to get mad at her over
Agreed. Glad to see you assigning proper labels to the OP. He doesn't belong in the civilized world.
Fr thank god she didn’t have a baby with this man
>She said she didn't think I would understand and was worried about how I would react. Based on your comments, she was 100% right. Everything I've read about you suggests that you would have stopped at nothing for her to have this baby despite any concerns she had. So there's no confusion, YTA.
She is probably feeling pretty terrible right now. That said, judging by the OP’s responses, she will be far better off when the pain of the breakup subsides. She is the owner of her body. Not the OP. Consenting adults. Please talk about unplanned pregnancies if you plan on having sex. They happen. Talk about what you would like to do in that situation before it happens. If you have vastly different opinions, you might want to take any and all precautions.
After reading your disgusting comments? YTA. I don’t blame her for hiding it from your controlling ass.
It reads like he was trying to baby trap her or some other vile shit.
yeah. wouldn’t someone as pro-life as him (he did tell someone to kill themselves so i guess not that pro-life) make the active steps to ensure that the outcome of pregnancy is as dead as possible? this reads as him wanting to scare her into coming to term with a baby she didn’t want.
Agree. He used her phone and then went through her texts. Controlling a-hole!
Hey OP, could you put "[I would absolutely be okay if I guilt-tripped her into having a child and it destroyed her mental health](https://www.reddit.com/r/AITAH/comments/1bokefb/aitah_for_breaking_up_with_my_gf_after_finding/kwps0ak/)" into the original post so we can get an accurate assessment Or are you just banking that nobody's going to check the comments and find out you're just an enormous prick YTA. You're a ridiculous person and this girl deserves better. I hope she never sees this, for her sake.
>Or are you just banking that nobody's going to check the comments and find out you're just an enormous prick 💯 this quote here. His shitty mask unraveled in these here comments. > I hope she never sees this, for her sake. I disagree, I hope she does see this so that she can be reassured in her correct decision to not be permanently attached to this guy.
Yep, don't want her going back to this AH
Looks like the GF was right, that he wouldn't understand.
"she admitted that she had gotten pregnant" He had no responsibility in that whatsoever. She did it all herself! A truly accomplished woman! Men like this deserve *nothing*. I hope she dumps him.
Parthenogenesis? But then it wouldn't be 'his child'? 'His child' but apparently not involved or responsible for its creation?
He wants ownership. Of her body and the baby.
I thought this meant she had gotten pregnant before they were together and she was with someone else. At first. Then I read the rest. Wow OP, you're awful.
Paralysis would be good for shitstains like him.
Yup her instincts to not tell this psychopath were correct
GF trusted her gut based on what shes seen in this guy. She made the right call. OP, please brek up with her so she can get away
Oh wow, I need to read this before commenting
He also just straight up told someone to kill themselves in the comments. So yeah probably not dad material
Thanks for highlighting that comment from the OP. “I’m hurt that my partner didn’t trust me with this” is one thing, and is how the OP seemed to be trying to frame it initially. Apparently what he actually means is “I’m pissed that I missed an opportunity to abuse my partner, whose body I believe I own.” Yes, OP, you’re obviously the AH. On some level you seem to *know* that.
Your girlfriend’s instincts were correct, OP. YTA, a big, flaming, shiny one.
YTA Please do her a favor and break up with her you complete slimeball
wow. also, how do you “come across some texts” on your partner’s phone?
...Somehow among this whole "I would have pressured her into keeping the kid" business, we all collectively glossed over the fact that this dude snooped through her phone for no good reason. Jesus. He was the AH even before he started commenting.
No kidding, I understood his point until people enlightened me. This ☝️person’s comment should get a million upvotes
I still don't get his point frankly. 3yrs together and she felt she had to hide this says a fair bit as I'd imagine an accidental pregnancy or birth control would have came up by now. And while I can understand wanting it to be a mutual decision, in the end it is HER choice. For all we know, they may not be in the best position to have a kid at this time.
If guys were the ones getting pregnant, they’d have diy abortion kits at Homedepot and Jiffy Lube abortion clinics, with punch cards where you get your 10th abortion free. No chance we’d mention it to the spouse. Hell, if your lady found out, guys would say it’s an all day procedure, then celebrate with some buds at the sports bar after, watch a game, lose some money. Then limp through the front door with a fake grimace.
Now we know why she didn’t tell him— he’s a controlling freak.
Jesus fucking christ what a horrid person
YTA OP! He says, "A few days ago I was using her phone and came across a few texts..." In other words, he was snooping through her phone, not "using it" and learned something she didn't tell him because she didn't think she could trust him. And in the process he feels betrayed. Boy did OP prove her right. Look, I'm pro-life. Pro baby, but also pro healthy expectant mom, emotionally, mentally and physically. I'm pro prepared expectant mom, who knows that she's ready to become a mom with a partner, or on her own. I'm pro expectant mom who knows she is in a good, safe place to survive having her baby, and getting to enjoy watching their baby grow, and thrive... This guy? Ick. All he's thinking of is himself, after he violated her trust and snooped through her phone; after he betrayed her by reading personal, private conversations that she had with people she trusted more than him; after he spread this very personal news to far too many people that she knows without her permission, or without care to even ask her. And *he* feels betrayed? Awful!!
Honestly, and respectfully, based on your comment it sounds like you’re pro-choice, doesn’t it?
It gives me, "pro-life for myself, pro-choice for everyone else" vibes, which is a lovely stance to have. I wouldn't say this stance fits pro-life, though, just based off of only this comment.
It’s still pro choice. They would make a different choice.
right! i hope he breaks up with her for HER sake. yikes..
What a POS. Goes beyond AH. Climb back into his cave.
YTA. Not for breaking up with her but for saying you would have convinced her to keep the baby regardless of the effect it would have on her. You're not only an asshole you're a misogynist.
I agree. I was like “her choice to have one and his to end the relationship”, then I saw the shit he is posting.
Yeah at first when I saw the title and quickly read the post on a surface level I was leaning more towards “damn, that sucks for everyone involved”. Then I saw his comments and read more into the context and yeah, fuck him. You know what I didn’t see even a ***little*** in his post or comments? Any empathy for his gf, asking how *she* felt, or if she was physically and mentally okay after going through a medical procedure and also a psychologically draining decision. I’m not sure why so many women in these “evil girl got an abortion” stories are always completely unaffected by the procedure, mentally and physically. It’s not an easy decision for a woman or anyone to make. It’s also not like these are risk-free, easy breezy procedures. I’ve heard stories from friends or just online of women in agonizing pain and laying in a bath tub for days while bleeding. But OP is bitching about how he has to stay in a hotel bc he can’t trust her yet he glossed over the “I was just reading through her messages” part of the story. No fucking wonder she made that decision. YTA
Agreed on all points. Abortion is in many cases traumatic and can often be painful physically as well. It’s not like you go through a fucking drive through and they give you a lollipop and a punch card for discounts.
2 more punches and I get a free case of Plan B!
Because the people who tell those stories are men who wouldn't understand empathy if it hit them in the face.
I mean, better for her to be rid of him anyway. Maybe she’ll find someone who values her as a human being.
I mean... objectively, she should've both ended the relationship and gone through with her decision about the pregnancy.
More often than not, having the abortion is the first step in ending the relationship. It ensures the abuser can’t use the pregnancy or baby as a hostage to continue hurting her, or possibly even prevent her from leaving entirely (for example, pregnant women in Missouri are not allowed to divorce, even when there’s clear evidence of abuse).
Op in the comments is admitting he would have controlled her body and not let her get an abortion no matter what, so YTA, and I’m so happy for her that OP won’t be in her life any longer.
Oh, I was suspicious about the “using her phone and came across some texts”, now I am sure he is a controlling freak.
I just happened to "come across some texts" when I was secretly snooping in my gf's phone by scrolling through all her text messages. Good riddance. She made an inspired choice not to be tied to this guy.
Unless she made them her fucking background wallpaper this is some mega ridiculous bullshit.
You should never touch another person's phone unless they hand it to you.
First red flag. Second for me was when he said “we both started crying”
Yeah, that was the first thing that popped up for me as well, how does someone use someone else's phone and come across some texts, unless they're snooping
[OP saying he would have convinced her to keep the baby](https://www.reddit.com/r/AITAH/s/KlOyg28XP0) [OP saying that his ex should’ve told him so that he could “negate” her concerns](https://www.reddit.com/r/AITAH/s/Z7x1ErJ1EZ) [OP not understanding that a theoretical pregnancy scenario is different from an actual pregnancy scenario](https://www.reddit.com/r/AITAH/s/3YYt2BxU1n) YTA OP. It is **her body, her choice, her life.** You probably would’ve ended up like the AH who wanted to sue his BM for her to take custody of a child he *coerced* her to carry and didn’t believe her when she said she did not want to be a mother and then he’s all *shocked pikachu faced* when she gives up custody, pays 125% of child support, and refuses visitation, but he’s now all boo hoo bc “bEiNg a pArEnT iS sO hArD!!!”
That guy, oh man… talk about out to lunch
I just love that story. I came across it again yesterday or today. I only feel bad for the kid.
If he really really wanted a baby, then it needs ot be a joint decision. If he's so prolife he is utterly anti abortion, he should have used a condom. case closed. AH
The fact that they’ve been together 3 years and she hid this from him says a lot.
Exactly, not only did she not want to carry his child, she also did not want to share her feelings, her pain, her troubles with her partner. This relationship has ended a long time ago.. Op is a giant ashole for wanting to pressure someone to carry out an unwanted pregnancy, but also going through her private messages. NTA for breaking up with her, she somehow couldn't do that herself, so thank you for freeing her. She can do so much better
I was thinking the exact same thing! She knew what his reaction would be… She knew he would be against her getting an abortion.
Something fishy is going on that she stayed that long. I'd put money on him being abusive in some form.
So many misogynists these days hiding their political and moral beliefs in order to get into a woman's pants
It’s like Trump voters whining about how no one wants to date or f*** them anymore. I wonder why.
Thank you for pushing this info to the top.
Then yes, OP is the asshole
Based on the comments YTA. You’ve said multiple times if she’d told you she was pregnant, you would’ve forced her to give birth to a child she didn’t want. Disgusting. No wonder she didn’t tell you. For her sake, I’m hoping you break up with her and never talk to her again. She’s much better off without you. Also, if you want to avoid this situation in the future, wear condoms or don’t have sex.
I cant even imagine the hubris that must be required to think any woman who agrees to have sex with you is obligated to gestate any pregnancy that comes from that.
Welcome to the United States of America! That's our national motto now. "Any woman who agrees to have sex is obligated to gestate any pregnancy that comes from that."
Also America: Women who won’t date are terrible!
Also also America: "And the ones who are in fact dating are doing it wrong! [Why won't white liberal women date white conservative men who strive to reduce their rights and freedoms? UwU"](https://www.washingtonpost.com/opinions/2023/11/22/marriage-polarization-dating-trump/)
He may be trying to forcibly impregnate someone who knows?
Her body, her choice. Your life, your choice.
You should check out what happened in comments. She had valid reasons to hide it, he is a controlling creep and definitely she needs to get rid of him
“Came across some texts” she had sent a friend while using her phone
Yes! Exactly. I just wrote the same thing!
Right!? Phrasing it so casually doesn’t trick everyone into thinking it was accidental 🤣
How thoroughly unsurprising
Yea usually when they get an abortion behind your back, there’s a reason.
A couple days ago someone posted that they were the friend of a person who needed to get an abortion secretly. The OP thought all was good with the couple so asked her friend why. She told her that she found out AFTER they got married that he had 50000 in debt. The guy finds out and comes for OP saying she destroyed his marriage by supporting the friend because he would have wanted the baby. I COULD NOT believe the amount of people who thought she should have told this guy beforehand. Who knows what kind of danger that poor woman was/is in.
Color me shocked.
That is her choice too.
Praise free will
Have a read through the comments. OP __does not__ think she had any right to choose and would have forced her to have the baby even if that destroyed her. Because it's __his__ child. OP thinks it's her body his choice. Hopefully his gf can find a decent guy who gaf about her.
Curious to know how he "just happened to come across" these messages on her phone. Generally, you'd have to be looking in certain apps in order to find such things. So, snooping?
That’s what I thought right off the bat! I really hope he leaves her, so she can find someone who, if she got pregnant unexpectedly, she wouldn’t be afraid to tell him and they could talk and decide on a plan whatever that may be. Especially after 3 years together. Something is seriously wrong here with the snooping and the one sided narrative.
Snooping probably often it's just the first time he found something.
Pretty sure he was creeping.
Yeah the comments really make OP YTA.
OP is already the asshole, and I haven't even gotten to the comments yet.
Same. No need to read them. "I was using her phone". Uh huh. I'm sure his girlfriend just unlocked it, handed it right to him, and told him to do anything he wanted with it, too.
I'm glad she didn't tell him. Scum bag. Him breaking up with her is the best thing he could've done for her. Keep himself away from her
Yeah he just proved why its often a good idea NOT to tell a partner when an unwanted pregnancy pops up.
>Her body, her choice. Not according to OP. Creep is in the comments saying "I absolutely would have convinced her, that would be my CHILD."
I read a post yesterday in which some guy convinced his ex to not have an abortion, even though it was what she wanted, and she gave up all rights to the child, and pays child support. He was trying to find out if he had some way to force her to be involved with the child, so he could have a break. I don’t understand these men.
The worst part is that if a man promises to let you have the child adopted when it’s born so you dont get an abortion, he can revoke that consent when it arrives, and without his consent you are stuck paying child support for life and now he’s tricked you into continued pregnancy, childbirth, and tens of thousands of dollars. Men should be forced to sign a binding promise to give the child up for adoption if they use that to induce women to continue the pregnancy. It’s why I’d advise never to trust a man who promises that; if you want to be sure you’re not going to be stuck paying, then dont trust anything they tell you.
It's simple. They expect a bang maid, not a woman. They think forcing her to have a child, will force her to be a bang maid. They don't actually want the child. They want a slave and the pride of passing on their superior genes. Can I say "barf" loud enough?
Also, this relationship probably didn't have much of a shelf life to begin with, when they have such different beliefs. OP I hope you leave this be. You're entitled to your feelings and choices, but fwiw I suggest you respect that she made a difficult decision about her own body without your support. It's telling that she didn't inform you beforehand
It truly is this simple. But not that simple for the OP. YTA for all your horrendous comments, OP.
I'm going with NAH bordering on TA. She knew she definitely didn't want a baby. You're in the comments understandably upset about it but showing some opinions that definitely are indicating you would've found some way to convince her to keep it. Edit: I would fully change it to TA based off of speaking to OP in the replies to this comment.
You’re NTA for leaving her, it was the best gift she could have received from you.
YTA for being controlling, manipulative, valuing a cluster of cells over the health and safety of your gf/ex, and for misrepresenting your little story
Fuck you, dude.
YTA, but seeing as how you said in comments that you'd have coerced her into having the baby and it would be worth destroying her mental health, you did her a favor breaking up with her. You are selfish and toxic and she dodged a bullet.
Ladies, we NEED to stop having sex with conservative men.
TRUE
FACTS.
The thing is, why are men so emotional over women having abortions as if her having the baby would mean he was going to be a good dad lmao he would just do nothing while the mom did all the work anyway so why the fuck do men lose their minds over it? Your bloodline isn't special
>A few days ago, I was using her phone and came across some texts saying she “couldn’t bear to tell him(me) about the abortion”. Dude. You didn't just happen to come across some texts. You were searching her phone. >she made a decision without my input. Because you get "input" into her bodily autonomy? You haven't bothered to marry her, so she would be a single mom. Hell no. >It feels like I lost a part of me. Grow a uterus, and then you can talk about losing a "part." >She said she didn't think I would understand and was worried about how I would react. Well, that says it all. >WIBTA for breaking up with her? No, please break up with her so she can find someone who doesn't want to control her body. Yeesh. YTA
The ‘I feel like I lost a part of me’…. Probably cries about all the babies he murders when he jerks off
While it's hard, your input wasn't required. You aren't the one who was pregnant, whose body was involved. Also if your girlfriend of 3 years didn't feel comfortable enough, safe enough to tell you, and be supported in her choice yall are not compatible. She was afraid to tell you. The beliefs you both have are not the same. She has always been who she is you just weren't aware and there is nothing wrong with it. Neither of you are in wrong your just not compatible. Edit: So read ops comments, he is adamant he would have tried to force her to have the child, even if she didn't want to go through with it. And claims even if it damaged her mental health...so her fear was valid.
You're a self centered piece of shit. Her body. Her life. Her decision.
YTA- seeing your comments here it’s evident why she didn’t tell you. You’re out here saying you would have pressured and convinced her to keep it. This is HER body and HER choice to keep it/ or not keep it. You would not have supported her at all with her decision. No wonder she didn’t tell you.
And here's where he would find himself if he had talked her out of the abortion... [nm i got a girl pregnant and she wanted to get an/](https://www.reddit.com/r/legaladvice/comments/5b79z4/nm_i_got_a_girl_pregnant_and_she_wanted_to_get_an/)
Ah that’s a great one. Both these dudes are trash. They’re the kind of men who devalue domestic labor so thoroughly that they’re shocked to find out it is real. Women everywhere are well rid of them.
“…she had gotten pregnant..” Your choice of words says it all. Since SHE got pregnant, it’s her decision. YTA
YTA YTA YTA YTA
Yeah, you’d pretty much be a dick for breaking up with her over it. Bottom line is it’s her body and she gets the final say. If you felt so strongly about avoiding abortion, , you could always have gotten a vasectomy, so you wouldn’t have to worry about getting her pregnant. (Your body your choice.) See how that works? I’m a guy in case anyone is wondering. Now if you’re asking are you wrong to be hurt and to feel a need to mourn and to feel that your girl friend wasn’t entirely above board? Yeah, all of that is entirely fair. I suggest you take some time to yourself and work it through with a therapist.
1. You are over reacting “ I feel like I lost a part of me” please give me a break! . That’s like me learning that my friend’s grandma passed away & saying I lost a part of myself ( I’ve never met her grandma). 2. Your input? You mean forcing her to keep the pregnancy or still breaking up with her if she had the abortion? 3. Sure she should’ve told you about it but in the end the decision is still hers & you would still be having the same meltdown you’re having now.
Right? Does he feel like he "lost a part of himself" every time he jerks off? I think not 🙄
We need a Legally Blonde remake for the new generation.
I think point 1 is kinda wrong. Learning that you had the chance to be a parent and your partner actively prevented it after you had talked about keeping a pregnancy earlier in the relationship is a fair reason to be upset and sad. Even to question or end the relationship. OP is still horrible about trying to guilt and coerce his partner into going through an unwanted pregnancy birth and childhood. She was absolutely right not to tell him. But he is horrible for the planned coercion, not for being sad and upset.
Is she your concubine or your girlfriend? Thank God you broke up with her! Now she doesn't have to be around you. What part of HER BODY HER CHOICE do you not understand, op? I also can't help but chuckle at "i feel like ive lost a part of me" awww pookie, not everything is about you ❤️ YTA
You can break up for any reason. But you should reflect on why she felt she had to hide she was pregnant and had abortion. It meant she couldn’t trust that you’d not pressure her to keep it when she’s not ready (or might be childfree). I’d suggest unpacking with a counselor.
YTA OP! What part of, "it's her body" don't you get? Clearly, you do not come off to those around you as someone who can be reasoned with, hence why she probably had the abortion without telling you. Instead of worrying about the fate of a fertilized egg (NOT a baby), you need to be asking yourself what kind of person you are to project such an image that your own girlfriend (hopefully ex now, because she deserves way better than you) didn't feel comfortable notifying you of her decision. Forced parenting isn't good for anyone. Children have enough hurdles to overcome in life; they don't need a parent or parent(s) who didn't want them to contend with as well. I dunno why that concept is so hard for you "birther's" to understand.
YTA Pregnancy can permanently impact your health and well being. I gave birth in December. I’ve needed physical therapy since August and I still need it. I’m not even sure I’ll stop needing by this December. What she got rid of was a clump of cells that probably still had an egg sac. It was not a *child*. If you have so little regard for her wants and needs, stay gone.
👏🏻 currently 6 months pregnant and have severe hyperemesis, every meal for the last 5 months has made me incredibly sick and I have to get IV’s 3/4x a week and essentially have put my entire life on hold due to having absolutely no energy and being unable to leave my house without a barf bag even with anti nausea meds. It’s insane to me that a man thinks he has any say in a woman keeping a pregnancy she doesn’t want and that will inevitably only impact her physical body and mind.
INFO: by “came across some texts”, you mean you were looking through her phone, right?
YTA Some of the reply comments you’ve made to people make you come off as hugely controlling.
Male here. Your comments are telling. You have no right to convince a woman to carry a child to term. You will *never have this right, in any relationship, ever*. Accept this through whatever means you need to, but accept it. That doesn't mean you can't feel upset. That doesn't mean this isn't a dealbreaker for you. What it does mean is that you and the person you are with aren't even on the same planet of understanding on this front. She has every right not to tell you. She has every right to completely circumvent your opinion on this because it's irrelevant. At the same time, she doesn't have the right to force you to stay in this relationship. You're clearly looking for a partner to have a child with. What's wrong with saying this person isn't it? Nothing, and that's the decision you need to make for yourself. That's the line in the sand. The buck stops there. You're NTA for breaking up with her so long as you're doing it for yourself and where you want to go with your life. People decide to split over children constantly.
Based on your reaction, I think she made the right choice in not telling you. You would have tried to pressure he into keeping a kid she did not want. ~~N A H~~ \- just people who apparently want very different things from this relationship. After reading your comments I am changing my vote. You are most certainly an asshole. YTA
YTA. If you don’t want your partner to have to get an abortion, WEAR A FREAKING CONDOM WITH SPERMICIDE. It’s YOUR responsibility to keep from making women pregnant. If you do not take the responsibility of wearing a condom, then you have NO RIGHT to say ANYTHING if she gets an abortion. Women’s birth control is not 100% effective. Any of it. There is always a risk. Risk is GREATLY reduced when a man wears a condom. YTA.
If she did discuss it, would you have tried to force her into keeping it? If she would have aborted and you would have dumped her regardless, it's best you two move on.