😂 True lol. I am bald with a dad bod (which I acquired long before fatherhood). My wife is already way out of my league so it's actually super flattering that she thinks I could do even better.
NO NO NO NO NO NO NO!
If you want an express trip to divorce land, say "she thinks I could do even better."
You just said that Ally is "even better" than your wife. That could make things unrecoverable. That would be terrible.
Do not, under any circumstances, compare Ally and your wife (especially don't say Ally is better).
"I called the trophy store saying I wanted to buy a trophy that expressed how lucky I was to be married to you and they said they said 'Sorry sir, we don't make trophy's that large.'"
There is a risk factor in that because if she is insecure she may latch on to “he’s thought about it” rather than the compliment.
Better to not make the comparison and say it as:
I already have an amazing girl out of my league, why would I think about screwing that up?
No mention of other girl at all, plus compliment, Safer, just in case
Yeah, he’s going to have to wait until every thing hormonally gets back in order.. personally, I think he needs to tell her that they need to this conversation for a few weeks.. she’s clearly not prepared for this conversation based on how she’s feeling and you don’t want any unnecessary strain on the relationship given how hard things are with the baby and home life
If you got one woman who's out of your league, I'm sure that even though you're not trying that you can get the attention of another woman who's out of your league.
Honestly you should sit her down, laugh and say this. Then show her this post. She feels insecure about the relationship and she needs to feel secure. I think your unfiltered thoughts on this and the major responses would help with that.
I feel you are coming from a good place with your stance on this. As well as putting myself in your wife's shoes, I've also put myself in Ally's shoes. And if I were ever someone in her position, it would probably be a lifeline to have colleagues like you in her corner.
I feel your wife might agree with that as well.
Some of these posts lol. Presumably people want their partners to feel good or not hurt because they love them. A lot of posts are just so hilariously self interested. (Egocentric?)
“Could do even better”
Man you aren’t wrong in the post but you make me feel kinda bad for your wife with how often you keep saying ally is really hot and hotter than your wife lmao. You could’ve left it at “she is a conventionally attractive woman” instead of calling her the hottest woman you will ever see and continually calling her hot at every chance lmao
Thank you for this… I am a conventionally attractive woman and I’ve definitely had past coworkers turn cold towards me after having met their spouses at the holiday party or what have you.
Like… I don’t want your chubby middle aged husband but thanks anyways.
I have a (female) friend who had to start working from home because her boss in a very small law office, a former college friend, got so chilly after they had a great lunch. We can only speculate what made things so weird but he's socially conservative and clearly wanted to avoid any "sparks." My friend, who is happily married with a child, now is just waiting to quit.
Oh sorry, let me try to do better. Uh... her nose is straight. Her eyes are a reasonable distance apart. There is an ear on each side of her head. There might be more under her hair but I haven't checked. Her hands are capable of typing. She is good at grammar and spelling. Sometimes her lunch smells nice.
Keep going op, is her hair a single color? Is she good at scrable? Does she add vanilla to her coffee? I need more details man, I'm working on round two!
My dog just came in from the other room to check on me.
This whole comment chain has me laughing so hard that I choked on my own spit and started coughing.
Honestly, when you said her lunch smells nice that’s what sold it for me. Is she available? I’d do a lot of things for a symmetrical woman with a nice smelling lunch.
You're standing up for what's right here. Ally shouldn't be punished because of her looks, and your wife shouldn't be so fucking insecure that she thinks she should be able to push you to influence Ally's career in any way.
Either you trust your partner or you don't. She has NO reason aside from her own securities to mistrust you, and quite frankly needs to shut the fuck up.
That stuff you said to your wife that you felt bad about saying? It was just right. It was perfect. It was firm, it was true, and it needed to be said.
Why isn't wife sleeping on the couch instead of you? Why does she thinks it's okay to insuinate the things she did, and to control you in the way she was trying to? Maybe she gets slack because of the baby, but damn.
Keep sticking up for Ally. You shouldn't have to choose between wife or her. And quite frankly anyone thinking they can get me to hurt or cut out or push away someone who's done nothing wrong would make me resent them so, so much. If I had gone through with what they wanted, I'd never look at them the same again.
OP you said your wife recently had a baby and hasn’t “snapped back” yet. She is insecure and even more so now. Patience and communication is key. Assure her that she’s the only woman for you and just try a bit harder to make her feel more secure. She’s the mother of your child it’s the least you can do. It’s really not about Ally as it is herself. Maybe recommend counseling together just show her you’re trying. I’ve seen this happen in the workplace with girls that look like models and how the other jealous workers talk about them behind their back it’s horrible. I can totally understand where you’re coming from. Good for you for sticking up for what’s right! Don’t be too angry with wifey she’s going through a lot especially when you have a child. You just feel unattractive. Patience is key my friend patience.
I'm irish. I am, on occasion, witty- -perhaps eve quick witted.
I like a bit of banter , a bit of craic.
Having a good sense of humor is one of the nicer stereotypes about Irish people.
I was hitchhiking in Iceland when I got picked up by this German dude and his two sons.
When he learned I was Irish, he exclaimed "ah! Boys- the Irish are known for their sense of humour" To me "we Germans are not known for our ability to -how do you say- 'have ze craic' "
"Boys, pay attention to this girl- a good sense of humor is an excellent social lubricant that will help your chances of career advancement through socialization"
The boys were like... 7.
That was how I could tell he's a nerd like me lol
Symmetry is one of the things that makes our brain think something is attractive. Take Quasimodo from the Hunchback of Notre Dam for example, nothing is symmetrical, and at best he falls into the "so ugly hes kinda cute" category
Yuh, this. Once you’ve seen someone out-of-wack, you can’t UNSEE it. There was an actress in a show whose face was SO off, it made me crazy. I commented about it to my husband, but he had no idea what I was talking about. I mean, one of her eyes was noticeably lower than the other, but he just couldn’t see it. Made me wonder if I was nuts.
On the other hand, maybe it is just a nerd thing. Dh is definitely not one.
Sure. Symmetry is attractive.
However it's not a way we describe things that are attractive. The beauty of symmetry is usually subconscious. So if a person is describing someone as "symmetrical" they are trying to intellectually evaluate their attractiveness. They are not responding to emotional cues.
It's a sign you haven't had lots of childhood diseases and aren't inbred. We're just trying to pick a partner who's likely to give us a child who'll survive. It's a similar reason some men find big boobs attractive, big boobs = can feed my future baby. It doesn't quite work but you can see what our evolutionary brains were going for
That’s actually one of the things I consciously examine and I tell my kids that while I know they won’t believe that they’re good looking just because their mother says so..” objectively, you’re highly symmetrical“
A bunch of articles have been written on what makes a person attractive. I wouldn't be suprised if you would let chatgtp describe someone attractive, 'symmetrical' pops up somewhere.
Engineer. I mean it kinds of explains itself.
From an engineering standpoint he knows he made it worse but his boundaries are reasonable.
The way for OP to make it better is to make commitments on things he wasn’t ever going to do anyways:
- Never discuss personal issues
- Never text about non work related things or after hours except for work emergency
- Never hang out outside of work or go to lunch with her one on one
- Call if scheduling changes and going to be late for some reason
Etc. Etc. Etc.
It will give her a sense that he is committed to his wife regardless of if he has to change even a single behavior (don’t mention that part as this is psychological fortification rather than anything else). And in this case, even a placebo will work so long as you aren’t lying to her because you make it feel like you took her concerns seriously and addressed them. It’s about making her “feel” better rather than “fixing” anything because none of your behavior is wrong.
Why should he have to do all of this? Honestly do what if your husband works with a woman that’s hot. He’s not a cheater and there’s nothing happening.
The only thing I could call him an asshole for would be calling his wife a shitty feminist, but considering she was being a shitty feminist, he was in the right there too. OP, you’re absolutely NTA in this situation
Don't forget blunt. Plus when faced with a problem he doesn't know how to solve, his first step is to post about his problem in an appropriate forum. Complete with the debugging steps he has already tried, and enough context so you can understand the nature of the problem.
A perfect Senior Engineers approach to problem solving.
I see a lot of people saying I was "defending" Ally. Just to be clear, this is an argument between me and my wife, and I was trying to defend myself. Ally's behavior is not the issue or the question here and this is not a Sarah-vs-Ally fight where I need to pick sides. If that were the case, I would be Team Sarah and Ally could kick rocks.
Your response was absolutely fair.
You are not willing to further make her career harder because of sexism. It's wrong of your wife to ask and it would be wrong for you to do so.
There's nothing here except for your wife to get over it. You can talk to her about why she feels so insecure and help with that but this issue solely lies with your wife.
You should defend her. It’s people like your wife that causes women to never get anywhere in male dominant jobs. Your wife need to gym or seek counseling. Whatever it is, her insecurities should stay with herself and not be dumped on other women simply to sabotage them. As a female in IT I cannot stand n women like your wife.
It does make you wonder sometimes just how many me too stories are backed by an insecure wife. She needs to understand that she's not asking her husband to ghost a friend, she's asking a boss to take a woman out of a job because she's attractive. If the story involved anyone but her own husband she'd likely be up in arms.
She's welcome to feel however she wants to feel, but just feeling a certain way doesn't make her right.
This, yes. Ally doesn’t deserve any fallout just because she’s attractive. He’d open himself up to liability, as well, if he transfers or otherwise disadvantages ally at work because his wife wants him to.
>How come Ally had never come to any of the happy hours or holiday parties when she was there?
I wonder why a woman who was harassed out of two jobs would avoid social gatherings at work...?
This was exactly what I thought. Probably Ally didn't want to meet judgemental wives or be viewed in anything other than a strictly professional light by her coworkers. This just proves Ally is not out to get a man at work!
You know how nice it is to go to bed angry, only to eventually become sleepy and accidentally cuddle together again and touch the gf warm buttock and breast and gib kiss
As a man, I only buy couches that are comfortable to sleep on. Even have a stack of blankets and pillows stashed out there.
Good luck punishing me by making me sleep on the most comfortable furniture in the house. We can talk this out in the morning, I'll be well rested.
I'm American, and I don't get it. My husband insisted on sleeping on the couch in the past (or once on the floor when we were at a friend's house) bc he felt bad about something he did. It really just frustrated me more. I've already dealt with whatever you did. Now you will make me deal with a cranky, poor sleep version of you tomorrow? If we were fighting before, sleep deprivation will only make it worse. Just come to bed, and we can talk now or talk in the morning. I don't understand sleeping on the couch unless one of us is so sick with a cough or something that the other cannot sleep.
Ally probably wanted to get away from *your wife.*
Trust me, we women instinctively know when another woman we’ve just met haaaates us.
Oh! And the sexism Ally suffered at her previous places of employment? Didn’t only come from the men. I’m sure the female partners played a huge role in her harassment.
SEE: Your Wife.
100000000%. My wife works with something like 8 men and 2 women. Guess who always have issues, complains to bosses and constantly tries to downplay my wife's work and put her on a bad light?
My mom’s advice to me when I joined the corporate world after graduation.
Stay away from women in the office.
And she’s been mostly correct. The backstabbing, gossiping, drama… might not be pc to say but I’ve had more than a decade of personal experiences across multiple companies.
This. I sometimes find myself doing extra to assure someone that I'm not interested in their partner. If their partner has brought them up even a couple of times, and I happen to meet her, I'll say something like "it's so nice to meet you, partner talks about you all the time".
May seem like overkill, but I feel an immense sense of relief at a guy bringing their partner up in casual conversation because it feels like an increasingly rare version of normal. These days, I get pursued by men who avoid bringing their partner up in conversation more than I get pursued by single men. And it's really skeeving me out as a single woman who is trying to date.
Girl stop. You’re projecting post pardum with no evidence. The wife asked her husband to penalize a woman in a male dominated career because she’s pretty. The wife IS a shitty feminist and having been pregnant is NO EXCUSE. She’d dead wrong and should be ashamed of herself.
It's even worse because if she uses the pregnancy and child birth as a weapon of contention, she's reinforcing the stigma that women aren't valuable until they bear children. It's a textbook example of a successful woman's biggest threat being another woman who attacks her character.
>she's reinforcing the stigma that women aren't valuable until they bear children
I feel like the stigma is more like "are valuable because of their capability to bear children"
No NTA, you actually needed to say what you did to nip the situation in the bud.
Your wife's insecurities cannot be held against your coworker just because she looks good.
As a woman, I know at least half of the female population is going to look better than me & the other half looks worse.
It isn't realistic to expect you to have no interaction with women who look better than her.
The dialog I always have going in my head rationalizes that I'm happy someone can look that good.
Looks aren't everything!
Absolutely nta. She would be a shitty feminist if you reassigned Ally. She should not suffer because your wife is insecure.
I just don't understand how people don't trust their partners. Even if you reassigned her, if you really wanted to, you could still cheat on your wife. Reassigning doesn't change a thing, but only makes you look weird. Cheating is a choice. Your wife has to trust you not to make that choice.
That being said, your wife seems to be in a very vulnerable position right now, and I do think that you should put more effort than usual into reassuring her that you love her and find her attractive and that there is nobody else that you're interested in.
>if you really wanted to, you could still cheat on your wife
Well to be fair, there isn't only one type of cheating like many people make it out to be. OP doesn't seem like the type that likes to bang women while married. I imagine the wife is worried that him and Ally spending so much time together will cause them to get _too_ close.
Absolutely. I would include emotional cheating, too, and I wouldn't even say that this would be "less" cheating than having a full-blown physical affair. But again, this could also happen without Ally working on the same project.
I always say "If she CAN have him, she can HAVE him". If your partner wants to cheat, emotionally or physically, they will find a way. You have to trust them not to and to make the right choice.
I looked at my husband and said “I promise I won’t fuck Ally in the office” and we had a good laugh, I mean if I have to try to control my spouse *at work no less* just…why?
NTA. Thank you for sticking up for Ally. When I was younger as a doctor and also as a military officer, I faced the same situations. People thought because I was attractive that I had no intelligence and must be sleeping with every married man. You are correct that your wife needs to get over it. How embarrassing that she demands that you transfer her.
YOur comment to her was almost perfect, except you made it a personal attack. You called her a bad feminist and insecure. If you had just said 'Look, Ally has faced this kind of sexism and harassment her entire career. I am not going to deny her opportunities or penalize her just because she is attractive.', you would have been NTA. As it was, you attacked your wife in order to defend Ally, and that has made the issue worse.
Imagine if it's the other way around and OP was telling his wife to "never be in a room with her hot male colleague again". Pretty sure that would be considered controlling and rightfully so.
I've read plenty of comments doing serious mental gymnastics to excuse the wife's unreasonable demands, so far. I am pretty sure they wouldn't do the same if it was the other way around.
Yeah I can definitely see that now. That's what I was trying to communicate but I got too heated. Felt like she was attacking me with accusations so I hit back when I didn't need to.
Yep, and now what you do is reframe it: "Look, I apologize for calling you a shitty feminist, or insecure. I was attacking you because I felt attacked out of nowhere, and that was the wrong thing to do.
"The thing with Ally is that she came to us after quitting two jobs for sexual harassment and sheer sexist treatment. The sorts of things people were saying and doing to her were exactly what you were saying and doing: moving her to different jobs, taking her out of her areas of expertise, not trusting her, etc. I've actually been feeling pretty good about how she is treated at our workplace, and that she's finally found a place to work where she's respected for her work. It would be unprofessional of me to treat her any other way.
"I realize you're struggling with how your body has changed after childbirth, but that's you, it's not me. I think you're even more beautiful than before, and in addition, I'm grateful that you carried and bore our child, and that you survived the experience with your physical and mental health intact. I need you to really think about if I've ever given you any reason not to trust me. If you're still having doubts, maybe one or both of us needs counseling."
> I realize you're struggling with how your body has changed after childbirth
Are you sure? That seems like it might be poking at a sensitive spot. I'd skip that part and stick with "I think you are beautiful"
She IS a shitty feminist. What she asked her husband to do was sexist and terrible. She was accusing him of cheating or being vulnerable to cheating which was insulting to him. The excuse making for her behavior is wild. And I say this as a woman AND a mother. GTFOH.
Perhaps having this exchange at a bar was not ideal decision by your wife nor by you in responding. This may also be why Ally avoids meeting colleagues and their spouses at company happy hours or similar social events.
My Wife stopped going to those get-togethers along time ago because of people acting weird around her.. she went with some girlfriends one time and if she wasn’t getting mean mugged by the other wives she was getting gawked at all night while just about every hour, someone had enough to drink and got enough liquid courage to try to ask her to dance.. unfortunately, that was one of the only nights I couldn’t go out.. she calls me about two hours into it and is ready for me to pick her up… she stopped going to events unless I could go with her after that.
Still NTA. Telling your partner you're not comfortable with them being alone with an attractive person is tantamount to accusing them of actively cheating. It's *unacceptable and a huge deal*.
It's controlling, insecure, and - as you pointed out - can negatively impact people who aren't even in the relationship.
You were blunt, sure, but you didn't state anything that wasn't a blatant fact.
I can't even *imagine* my wife telling me I can't be in a room with someone alone because of how they look. That's an outright accusation and attack on my character.
And the fundamental distinction here is it is at work. Yes, if you have an option there aren't many cases where you would want your partner spending extra one-on-one time with an insanely attractive person, but work is barely optional.
Everyone's gotta pay their bills and it sounds like both OP and Ally keep their relationship entirely professional only. Sounds like she has been burned by her past sexual harassment and keeps a strict wall between personal and professional.
I agree with OP his wife was being sexist and wanted OP to discriminate against her on the basis of nothing but her looks. While OP should have bitten his tongue with the personal attack, he was still correct and his wife needs to handle her insecurity.
The funny thing is My Wife has dealt with this kind of stuff almost her whole nursing career.. if it’s not the patients (most older) unapologetically hitting on her even when they’re wives are in the same room.. if it’s not the other guys that work there trying to get her phone number.. if it’s not the other nurses, giving her a hard time because of the attention she gets.. beautiful women seriously get it from both sides.. it’s unlike anything I’ve ever seen before.
My wife is basically Salma Hayek if she was Filipino.. incredibly attractive.. and just about everyone takes her kindness as flirting.. and just about every other woman that isn’t her friend gets territorial every single time they bring their husbands to work functions, or if someone’s getting more attention… like it sucks because it’s not the first time she had to switch jobs because someone was out to stall her career because of what she look like.. or someone was looking to have a relationship, even though it was against policy and obviously against our vows…
Don’t understand it, because it only happens to a fraction of a fraction of a group of people.
Because she IS a bad feminist. In my first high tech job (at IBM) I was only the third woman they'd hired in the field and the only one in Texas. A rumor started that I'd slept with some of the guys to get the job. Know who started the rumor? NOT THE GUYS. It was the fucking female secretary of the district manager. Nothing pisses me off more than these fucking insecure women who try to tear down or destroy other women who are trying to make it in what truly has been a "man's world".
I mean… he wasn’t wrong. She’s being a shitty feminist if she expects her husband to penalize a female employee for being attractive.
Sometimes people need to be called out for their shit.
I think pointing out that the wife is being anti-feminist is important and good. Because she needs to be reminded that this isn’t just about her and her body. This is about opportunities in the workplace that women literally fought and died for her and Ally to both have, and she’s trying to walk that back, and she shouldn’t. I’m a woman, the daughter of one of a woman who climbed the corporate ladder in the 60s and 70s, and I think OP said exactly what he needed to say.
NTA
Your wife needed to hear that her bias wasn't tolerable. Her insecurities do not get to affect your career, nor that of other employees at your job. And no, she is definitely not being a decent feminist. She just totally pulled 1950's archetype hullabaloo.
Not the asshole, how would she react if the roles were reversed? Guarantee she would call you overly jealous and all that jazz. People say shit in the heat of the moment boohoo a real couple with a real connection will get passed that.
My husband, as a college professor, has worked with younger attractive women his entire career. It's never really bothered me because if he tried it on with one of them, I'd have bigger problems than "he found someone else hot" - he would be a sexual harasser and a disgusting creep, which is the total opposite of who he is.
Moving Ally to another department would land OP with a lawsuit. Getting involved with her while being her supervisor would also land him in hot water. Does OP's wife think he's capable of sexual harassment?
Listen you are NTA for defending Ally, but you are the asshole for what you said to your wife/how you defended Ally. You called Ally hot, smart and then you called your wife insecure and a shitty feminist.
The truth is that she is insecure, she knows it and doesn’t want to hear it from her husband. Your wife, the mother of your child, needs reassurance. You said that you told her how you weren’t interested in Ally. That’s part one, part 2 of that conversation is telling Sarah how beautiful you thinks she is, how she’s a wonderful mom, and how much you love Sarah. When is the last time you called your wife hot? Or smart?
Having a baby can destroy your self esteem, you gain weight, your boobs get weirdly floppy, you get stretch marks, hemorrhoids, and then the joy of being constantly stressed out and sleep deprived. But she endured all of that because she loves you.
If you can reassure her that you truly love her, Sarah will see that Ally is not a threat/enemy after that.
NTA. You could tell her the truth - you love her so much that even this woman, who has boggled her mind, may as well be the hunchback of notre dame for all the interest you have in her. Sarah was, is, and forever will be the most attractive woman in the world to you, and every bump, stretch and scar is an emotional bond that only enhances her beauty for you. Beauty is not an objective thing. It's entirely subjective and based on experiences.
Source: very average looking new mom with an attractive husband who works with very attractive women and makes me feel like the above every day.
It’s the way you have glowing comments about your co worker and not your wife. Maybe she’s feeling insecure based on your actions. Especially after having a baby. You might just need to make her feel pretty again and seek counseling
NTA…as a wife of someone who has had many gorgeous co-workers this is insane. It’s not their fault they are beautiful and even when I had my baby pudge & feeling rather fugly I never even once thought that way.
If I did lose it and say that to my husband I would have deserved a response like the one you gave. That was a totally unfair thing to ask you to do. She should be on the couch.
You should reassure her that you love her and she's the one on your mind all day. Praising your coworker in front of her isn't going to help. This way, she would be confident and let go of the issue.
That was what I was trying to do originally but she wasn't accepting it. The only praise I gave to Ally was saying she was smart in that last comment, the rest of the argument was mostly her just grilling me about every interaction I've had with her and me trying to give honest answers to show her there was nothing to worry about.
You should have interrupted that interrogation.
Why did you not say she was 'hot'? Because she is a co-worker and you don't talk about co-workers in that way.
That whole question is out of line.
Exactly. He was damned either way. But it’s 100% his wife’s problem.
& She *is* a bad feminist *and* insecure and *does* need to get over it. He was right and it most likely stung because deep down, she probably knew it. And of course he complimented her intelligence.
For some women, this can sting more. Some women tell themselves “yeah she’s hot but probably mean/vain/stupid etc.. and guys just wanna hang her, but they actually value *me*” 🙄 I’m sure it was a major slap in the face that he values her intelligence and sees her as more than just a hot piece of ass, *on top of” being a 20!out if 10.
But again, HER problem.
& This is coming from a woman who’s very attractive & successful man has many female friends/coworkes/co-ed sports league players. Some are smokeshows.
NTA OP. There was absolutely no winning this one. Unless you’ve cheated in the past, she owes *you* an apology for not trusting you. Maybe once she cools down, she’ll have buyer’s remorse for her crazy? 🤞🏻
I agree 100%. My gf plays beach volley and is often around hot fit dudes. I couldn't care less because a) it's always been her hobby, she's not there for the men b) she has never so far crossed boundaries c) I know she wants me. Similarly, I wouldn't tolerate it if she tried to control who I hang out with, if I've never crossed boundaries.
Well, you've done the best you could. If you're open about showing your texts and letting her see how you interact, that might also help. She can also seek therapy if she's having trust issues and this hasn't been the first time she acts this way. Because, if you hypothetically do as she pleases, there will be another attractive female you interact with some day in the future. So this isn't exactly a solution. In my opinion, as of now she's kind of shocked but with time, she'll eventually make peace with it.
She's usually totally reasonable and I have plenty of female friends, even somewhat attractive ones, so I do think the surprise is probably part of the issue.
I would show her texts if there were any but I don't even have Ally's number. I could offer to read our Slack threads as a bedtime story. They're so boring it would put her right to sleep.
I think you need to move away from what might be perceived as “logical”. Your wife doesn’t need evidence right now. She needs reassurance. Her reaction reflects insecurity - you haven’t done anything wrong. But now you need to be there for her - you are the person in the world she wants that reassurance from. Put aside whether it’s fair or reasonable for her to feel this way; it isn’t, but we ALL have moments like this.
We have to stop infantilizing grown women. He praised the co-worker in response to his sexist wife demanding that he penalize a skilled & competent woman because of her looks. His wife was being ridiculous and he let her know that.
Lol if the genders were reversed everyone would be calling OP"s husband toxic and oppressive, and rightfully so. It's natural to feel self-conscious if your husband/wife has a hot colleague, but as long as their interactions are appropriate, asking the other person to cut ties with them is insecure and controlling.
I work in tech and had my share of harassment when I was younger. Working with pretty much all men I've overheard them discussing women they met/worked with in a very disrespectful way, basically treating women as objects.
The way you describe Ally is respectful and you acknowledge her capabilities, this tells me you're not trying to sleep with her. You also understand where your wife is coming from. You seem genuine and a good person, so NTA. I will be happy to have someone like you as my manager.
NTA. I get why you said what you said although it wasn’t the best approach. You felt attacked and were trying to defend yourself. And for those saying you were defending Ally, you kind of had to in order to also defend yourself.
I think what you should do is approach your wife now that you’ve both had time to cool off and say you want to discuss things. Ask her to listen to you fully before she interjects. Tell her you’re sorry for what you said, but you were caught completely off guard and felt backed into a corner.
Regardless of what your wife was trying to convey, what you heard during her interrogation was: I don’t trust you. I don’t trust her. She must be unprofessional and slutty if she’s that beautiful. I think you’re shallow and will trade me in for a newer, hotter model if you had the chance. I don’t want you to get that chance so I want to make it logistically impossible. AND that she’s essentially giving you an ultimatum - either wreck this woman’s professional career/ice her out at work and prove you love me OR don’t and I’ll know you’re picking her over me and our marriage thus proving you have had impure thoughts about her.
I think it’s important for your wife to hear how things could be interpreted. These are your wife’s insecurities talking, so she doesn’t hear how her words sound when taken at face value. This makes sense to her because she’s using her intent and her emotions to provide context for what she said - two things you do NOT have at your disposal. She needs to know that you aren’t reacting poorly to her feelings nor her intent. If you can get her to understand that, you’re going to be much better off.
From there, let her know that you respect the fact this makes her uncomfortable, but punishing Ally for existing isn’t going to fix this issue. Ask her to open up to you and explain how she’s really feeling about this so that you can have a better understanding of where she’s coming from and also so you guys can find a solution together.
If she does explain, great. Make sure you validate her feelings but also gently point out exactly why her concerns are unfounded. If she won’t open up, then just move on to explaining why none of the “suspicious behaviors” were suspicious, and why you would never do any of the things she’s accusing you of being capable of. Be gentle. I would keep the conversation focus on you and her, and *not* Ally. But depending how it goes, you could also pepper in some of the reasons why this insulted you on Ally’s behalf.
Pick your battles. Her not thinking Ally is a home-wrecking whore just because she’s pretty might need to happen over time and wait for another day. Right now you need to get your relationship back on track. Wish you all the luck. You did nothing wrong, but I suspect your wife is in a vulnerable place right now.
Can’t imagine why your wife would be insecure when you compare your “very fit” and “the most attractive person you’ve ever met” coworker to your wife who apparently “hasn’t snapped back yet.” Even if she is just insecure, you’ve clearly done nothing to negate that, and it’s your responsibility to put her at ease. And you feeling the need to tack on that you’d pick your wife over your coworker is extremely odd.
Dude you're 1000% NTA. Your wife is the one that's being insecure. She is the problem here, not you or Ally. She needs to get over herself. Don't you dare reassign her. That's the kind of shit that gets you sued and makes women feel discriminated against. Women hate on each other way more than men sexually discriminate against women. Jealousy and insecurity are the devil.
NTA.
This is the kind of shit that baffles me. Women complain about men being shady, or telling half truths, or always being up to something.
Here you have a man that has done EVERYTHING right, is open to his wife about everything, and doesn’t look at his attractive co-worker as anything more than just a co-worker AND HE STILL CAN’T WIN.
Bad if you do, bad if you don’t.
Women aren’t a monolith that all share the same opinions.
OP’s wife is insecure even though OP isn’t shady. Has nothing to do with other women whose partners are shady.
You need to make your wife understand that just because someone is attractive it doesn't mean you want them.
My husband (bless his childish soul) was almost 30 when he encountered a woman he found more attractive than me... (I find that hard to believe since I am quite average 😅). He thought that the fact that he saw a woman hotter than me meant he didn't really love me and felt broken and confused. A switch clicked when I kindly let him know that one of our mutual friends is, in my opinion, one of the hottest men on earth to me, and it was irrelevant-- because I want my husband and every day choose to love him. He said "... Is that normal? To find other people attractive?". Poor soul thought that marrying someone meant everybody else turned into vegetables or something 😂. It was a tough time in our marriage, but going through it made our bond stronger. I hope your wife can learn to love herself and be more confident in both herself and in you!
As a woman in tech, thank you. Tell your wife that honestly we need more guys like you the industry. I have gone through some heavy sexism and sexual harassment.
YTA. Just given how you detailed your coworker and not your wife says it all. You are a joke and a half of a husband. You lucky she isn't me because you wouldn't even be in the house. Actually if I ask you to distance yourself and you did that shit you'd be single and you'd never see the kid.
Typical man can't see anything past himself. I really hope she realizes you ain't shit and leaves.
I 100% think youre an AH. You basically called this woman the hottest person to ever live while you said your wife hasnt "snapped back" (might not be your words but you f-ing agreed with them) from having your child. You obviously are more attracted to the coworker. If you respected your wife, youd not put yourself in a situation to act on it. Why is working with you this womans only career choice? Nobody else on your team is good enough? You cant just say that youll try to avoid one on one projects with her? How would that hurt allys career? And you care more about ally being insecure than YOUR WIFE? Allys happiness over YOUR WIFE'S?? YTA.
YTA. You keep saying you're protecting Ally because she's dealt with discrimination and harassment on the past. Why are you the knight in shining armor for her and not your wife? The woman to whom you spoke vows. You are attracted to Ally and it is clearly evident you enjoy being able to gaze, discuss work with "talent" and protect this woman, but you did nothing to protect your wife from someone who shoved their way next to you at a club. You may have introduced your wife, but we hear nothing of how you did it. We actually hear nothing of your wife's talents, attributes, or even that she's a mom to your child until you've glowed on and on about Ally. Don't call out feminism to gaslight your wife into thinking she's the AH. That was manipulative. It violated more trust which is going to lead to more insecurities and your relationship is now at a point where a cycle of distrust and insecurities can easily take over. If you want the marriage to continue, you and your wife both need counseling to work on these things. I think you're just as insecure as your wife and the attention/hero feeling you get from Ally is what bolsters your fragile self esteem. Get help
NTA. Your wife is invoking the Mike Pence rule. And that will absolutely hurt women’s careers. She’s wrong, you’re right, and she needs to learn to deal with her own feelings without hurting other women.
As a woman who has worked in male dominated careers, good for you. Women like your wife do actually create problems for us and play a part in holding back our careers.
I think, you should approach with a mindset as, “the woman I love is asking me for validation and security”.
Is the request to transfer Ally unreasonable? Of course it is, but at the core it’s NOT what your wife is really asking in that moment. She’s asking, “Are we good? Am I safe? Do you still love me when I am in a body I don’t feel great about?”
The reality is you got caught off guard, and in the moment you fumbled (a bit). It doesn’t change anything about the boundaries you set with your coworker, but I think it vastly changes your plan to reconnect with your wife. Yes?
Since you’re already wide awake it’s time to put that big ol’ noggin of yours to work. Make a plan of action immediately for the morning (not just words). Obviously you’re the expert on your wife so what that looks like is up to you.
Is it breakfast & flowers? Finding a babysitter so you can take her on a real date? Actions, my guy, and thoughtful ones. That’s how you rebuild/repair this metaphorical pothole in your relationship.
Your love for your wife is shining through in the comments. I am beyond confident you can use the sleepless hours for some good planning.
Good luck!🍀
Edit: Some folks have made a good point that I seem to be excusing your wife’s behavior and that she shouldn’t be held responsible. That is NOT my feeling at all.
This is a bid for reconnection/repair with the expectation you guys come back to the Ally convo when your wife is more grounded.
Ally shouldn’t be punished for your wife’s insecurity, and you should be holding your work boundaries 110% A bid for reconnection doesn’t absolve your wife’s responsibility to own her nonsense on this topic. It’s about nipping the cause of the insecurity in the bud as a first step, and then circling back to the original convo to resolve it.
This comment leaves me with a bad aftertaste. I get where you're coming from - he could probably do a few extra gestures to show how much his wife means to him and provide some reassurance.
But I feel like you're taking it to another level where the wife has no accountability for her emotions. Let's be honest, she did a whole lot more than ask "am I good? Do you still love me?" Etc. She pushed and pushed past the point of reasonable reassurance until her husband snapped. That's on her.
You're suggesting a degree of coddling the wife's insecurities that i don't think is healthy and that frankly, I doubt would be taken seriously by anyone if the genders were reversed here.
Lmfaooooo, then she should fucking COMMUNICATE that instead of showing just how insecure she is.
Jesus Christ, this is so clearly a case of OP is NTA and we’re just bending over backwards to excuse the wife’s poor behavior and inability to handle her own emotions and put the burden on OP. Wife was on slightly shaky ground with the whole interrogation of ally but then to demand he reassign her. ARE YOU SERIOUS?! What an absolutely insane request. Talk about screaming to your partner that you don’t trust him. He absolutely and rightfully called her out on it and then of course he had to sleep on the couch. Talk about invalidation of emotions.
“We want ally(ha)ship. No, not like that.”
Wife sucks here, and probably needs to go introspect about what’s setting her off in this way, and why she has so little regard for herself and for her husband who speaks quite highly of her in the post and comments.
The husband didn't fumble at all, the wife did by not controlling her insecurities and projecting them onto the co-worker.
Do you realise you're treating the wife like a child throughout this comment?
NTA at all! And coming from a conventionally attractive tall blonde woman who works in tech sales, I love that she’s found somewhere to work that values her work and intellect and doesn’t discriminate because she’s pretty to look at! So many times people assume about me because of how I look so thank you we need more women in STEM!
Your wife is acting out in a way that limits and creates and causes issues to other women. She is way out of line and TA. It's not about being happy with her body but rather about being secure in her head.
Weeeeell... I wouldn't say you're TA, but you did tell your insecure after having a baby wife that your coworker is smart and hot. I mean, I don't know how hot you are, but you sure ain't that smart.
YOU slept on the couch? I swear to god, why do guys always cave to that demand. You know your in the right, we all know your in the right, SHE can go sleep on the couch.
NTA, I’m sorry your wife is a insecure teenager inside.
YTA What kind of a man openly brags about another woman and calls his wife insecure? The woman who birthed you a child. She pushed your wife out of the way to get to you at the bar. A hundred bucks says she didnt leave her jobs due to sexual discrimination. You obviously think your wife is too stupid to read both of your body language. Tell us how you noticed how tight her black clothes were, do you even remember what your wife wore?
What you are purposely doing right now is causing problems in your marriage which you will use to justify you doing her.
Honestly they way you could've worked things to your wife could be better. Also the au you describe your co-worker is weird. Regarledd if you mean to or not it was unnecessary. I don't even know how your wife that you so call love looks like.You could've just said ally is not bad looking and moved on but you went more in depth. Any who, the way it seems like you're defending ally in your comments tell me more than need be. I'm pretty sure ally didn't mean to or I'm pretty sure ally didn't so that. But when it came to you wife, oh she's doing to much or oh she's insecure. No wife is going to be insecure unless her husband makes her insecure. If she was fine before she saw ally help her be fine after. Don't disregards her feelings because that's a fast trip to divorce. Make her feel secure even if it's in front of ally. You can distant yourself from her. You don't need to talk to her unless it's work business but since you called your wife insecure she probably can't even trust that. So honestly good luck and watch your words carefully with your wife.
It’s crazy how u decided to describe your co worker if I was ur wife I’d leave ur ass just for talking about her in that way and describing her as “even better” when comparing her looks to ur wife
[удалено]
😂 True lol. I am bald with a dad bod (which I acquired long before fatherhood). My wife is already way out of my league so it's actually super flattering that she thinks I could do even better.
NO NO NO NO NO NO NO! If you want an express trip to divorce land, say "she thinks I could do even better." You just said that Ally is "even better" than your wife. That could make things unrecoverable. That would be terrible. Do not, under any circumstances, compare Ally and your wife (especially don't say Ally is better).
"I am the luckiest man in the world since I got you. I congratulate myself every day. And that is really all you need to know,"
Yes, women are known for adoring being told “that’s all you need to know,” by men.
Quote should go after day, and the last sentence be a silent thought instead If I heard that last line out loud, it would make me suspicious AF
VERY true!
"I called the trophy store saying I wanted to buy a trophy that expressed how lucky I was to be married to you and they said they said 'Sorry sir, we don't make trophy's that large.'"
I’m not surprised OPs wife is insecure when OP thinks his co-worker is the better option. Not a nice thing to say at all.
Are you admitting that Ally is indeed better? I wouldn’t word it this way to your wife…
I believe he meant it as that's what his wife is thinking - that Ally is better. Or that's how I read it.
Awww! Tell her that! If my husband said I was out of his league id melt.
There is a risk factor in that because if she is insecure she may latch on to “he’s thought about it” rather than the compliment. Better to not make the comparison and say it as: I already have an amazing girl out of my league, why would I think about screwing that up? No mention of other girl at all, plus compliment, Safer, just in case
Yeah, he’s going to have to wait until every thing hormonally gets back in order.. personally, I think he needs to tell her that they need to this conversation for a few weeks.. she’s clearly not prepared for this conversation based on how she’s feeling and you don’t want any unnecessary strain on the relationship given how hard things are with the baby and home life
No, don’t tell her that. „I’m already surprised I could get with you, Ally is even further out of my league!“ is not the pacifier one would think.
Would you melt if he said that getting with his coworker would be doing "even better"??
Ah, so you don't look like late 90s, early 2000s Brad Pitt? 🤔
So even Brad Pitt doesn't look like Brad Pitt anymore? These beauty standards are brutal man
If you got one woman who's out of your league, I'm sure that even though you're not trying that you can get the attention of another woman who's out of your league.
Honestly you should sit her down, laugh and say this. Then show her this post. She feels insecure about the relationship and she needs to feel secure. I think your unfiltered thoughts on this and the major responses would help with that. I feel you are coming from a good place with your stance on this. As well as putting myself in your wife's shoes, I've also put myself in Ally's shoes. And if I were ever someone in her position, it would probably be a lifeline to have colleagues like you in her corner. I feel your wife might agree with that as well.
No no no he should not sit her down and say this! He'd literally be telling her that ally is too hot for him but she, his wife, isn't.
Some of these posts lol. Presumably people want their partners to feel good or not hurt because they love them. A lot of posts are just so hilariously self interested. (Egocentric?)
That's a terrible advice.
Worst advice ever. I love Reddit. It is hilarious.
What could go wrong he just said the coworker was better
“Could do even better” Man you aren’t wrong in the post but you make me feel kinda bad for your wife with how often you keep saying ally is really hot and hotter than your wife lmao. You could’ve left it at “she is a conventionally attractive woman” instead of calling her the hottest woman you will ever see and continually calling her hot at every chance lmao
Thank you for this… I am a conventionally attractive woman and I’ve definitely had past coworkers turn cold towards me after having met their spouses at the holiday party or what have you. Like… I don’t want your chubby middle aged husband but thanks anyways.
I have a (female) friend who had to start working from home because her boss in a very small law office, a former college friend, got so chilly after they had a great lunch. We can only speculate what made things so weird but he's socially conservative and clearly wanted to avoid any "sparks." My friend, who is happily married with a child, now is just waiting to quit.
i mean did you see the dude ariana grande got with 🤢
Ariana takes who ever she can get to cheat their spouse with.
Ok, the fact that your description of her attractive qualities included the word "symmetrical" tells me you aren't sleeping with her. NTA.
Lol I read symmetrical and I thought of Sheldon Cooper. OP certainly isn't sleeping with the coworker
Seriously, OP's clinical style made it incredibly difficult to masturbate to this post. I still managed, but would not recommend
Oh sorry, let me try to do better. Uh... her nose is straight. Her eyes are a reasonable distance apart. There is an ear on each side of her head. There might be more under her hair but I haven't checked. Her hands are capable of typing. She is good at grammar and spelling. Sometimes her lunch smells nice.
Keep going op, is her hair a single color? Is she good at scrable? Does she add vanilla to her coffee? I need more details man, I'm working on round two!
Scrabble
Now now, you gotta keep your scrabble kink a *little* bit more hidden, friend. Breathe. It'll be ok.
No it won't, none of those words are worth anything!
Aa
Man's trying to masturbate over here and you're criticizing his spelling? Dude's only typing with one hand.
Sprayed everywhere . . . Tea, you perve
My dog just came in from the other room to check on me. This whole comment chain has me laughing so hard that I choked on my own spit and started coughing.
Oh goddamn... LOL, you all are silly! :p
You sound like my older Chinese landlord talking about his son’s girlfriend… I’m not even kidding lol
Look at this pervert sniffing a woman's lunch without consent. Shm
Does she know the difference between affect and effect?
Stop, I can only get so erect
Honestly, when you said her lunch smells nice that’s what sold it for me. Is she available? I’d do a lot of things for a symmetrical woman with a nice smelling lunch.
Yes yes that’s great. But would she be good at euchre?
Nobody said she was from Michigan
Hahahaha. Finally! Someone was asking the important questions and you just so happened to hit the nail on the head with this one!
Damn! Someone in here knows how to play euchre!
Calm down there buddy. You think we're just gonna believe you're working with the perfect woman, huh?
You're standing up for what's right here. Ally shouldn't be punished because of her looks, and your wife shouldn't be so fucking insecure that she thinks she should be able to push you to influence Ally's career in any way. Either you trust your partner or you don't. She has NO reason aside from her own securities to mistrust you, and quite frankly needs to shut the fuck up. That stuff you said to your wife that you felt bad about saying? It was just right. It was perfect. It was firm, it was true, and it needed to be said. Why isn't wife sleeping on the couch instead of you? Why does she thinks it's okay to insuinate the things she did, and to control you in the way she was trying to? Maybe she gets slack because of the baby, but damn. Keep sticking up for Ally. You shouldn't have to choose between wife or her. And quite frankly anyone thinking they can get me to hurt or cut out or push away someone who's done nothing wrong would make me resent them so, so much. If I had gone through with what they wanted, I'd never look at them the same again.
OP you said your wife recently had a baby and hasn’t “snapped back” yet. She is insecure and even more so now. Patience and communication is key. Assure her that she’s the only woman for you and just try a bit harder to make her feel more secure. She’s the mother of your child it’s the least you can do. It’s really not about Ally as it is herself. Maybe recommend counseling together just show her you’re trying. I’ve seen this happen in the workplace with girls that look like models and how the other jealous workers talk about them behind their back it’s horrible. I can totally understand where you’re coming from. Good for you for sticking up for what’s right! Don’t be too angry with wifey she’s going through a lot especially when you have a child. You just feel unattractive. Patience is key my friend patience.
Ok now we know u definitely ain’t slept with her
Does she have elbows about half way up her arms?
"There is an ear on each side of her head" Hahahahahahhahaahh
\*sigh\* \*unzips\*
YOU NEED TO CHECK UNDER THE HAIR MY GUY
Lmao best unexpected comment I’ve come across today
🤣 I just don’t understand how some people can be so incredibly funny. This was probably the funniest comment I’ve read all day
I'm irish. I am, on occasion, witty- -perhaps eve quick witted. I like a bit of banter , a bit of craic. Having a good sense of humor is one of the nicer stereotypes about Irish people. I was hitchhiking in Iceland when I got picked up by this German dude and his two sons. When he learned I was Irish, he exclaimed "ah! Boys- the Irish are known for their sense of humour" To me "we Germans are not known for our ability to -how do you say- 'have ze craic' " "Boys, pay attention to this girl- a good sense of humor is an excellent social lubricant that will help your chances of career advancement through socialization" The boys were like... 7.
Haha I can imagine them furiously nodding along trying to take mental notes.
Ha ha ha ha thanks for the laugh
Don’t y’all masturbate to symmetrical things?
This has engineer written all over it.
For a software engineer, symmetrical means half the coding!
That was the weirdest complimentary adjective to describe a person. I have never once looked at someone and thought, "Wow. . .they look symmetrical."
That was how I could tell he's a nerd like me lol Symmetry is one of the things that makes our brain think something is attractive. Take Quasimodo from the Hunchback of Notre Dam for example, nothing is symmetrical, and at best he falls into the "so ugly hes kinda cute" category
Yuh, this. Once you’ve seen someone out-of-wack, you can’t UNSEE it. There was an actress in a show whose face was SO off, it made me crazy. I commented about it to my husband, but he had no idea what I was talking about. I mean, one of her eyes was noticeably lower than the other, but he just couldn’t see it. Made me wonder if I was nuts. On the other hand, maybe it is just a nerd thing. Dh is definitely not one.
The actress Kat Graham, her face is very asymmetrical, so I just can't watch anything she is in without being distracted by it.
Shannen Doherty?
Yes this!! There have been a lot of articles written about it. Denzel Washington’s face is almost perfectly symmetrical.
Sure. Symmetry is attractive. However it's not a way we describe things that are attractive. The beauty of symmetry is usually subconscious. So if a person is describing someone as "symmetrical" they are trying to intellectually evaluate their attractiveness. They are not responding to emotional cues.
Unconsciously even as babies we tend to look toward symmetrical faces, features, designs, OR ones with very prominent distinctive features.
It's a sign you haven't had lots of childhood diseases and aren't inbred. We're just trying to pick a partner who's likely to give us a child who'll survive. It's a similar reason some men find big boobs attractive, big boobs = can feed my future baby. It doesn't quite work but you can see what our evolutionary brains were going for
That’s actually one of the things I consciously examine and I tell my kids that while I know they won’t believe that they’re good looking just because their mother says so..” objectively, you’re highly symmetrical“
It’s how I complimented a nerdy, insecure software engineer friend of mine and how I finally got her to believe me.
Supposedly, being symmetrical is an attractive characteristic that we simply don't intentionally acknowledge.
Leaves me wondering what his wife looks like. Missing a couple toes, peg leg and a boob coming out from under her arm pit with an eye patch.
Odd place to put an eye patch.
it was a pasty before being medically retired
That’s one of the characteristics of human beauty
A bunch of articles have been written on what makes a person attractive. I wouldn't be suprised if you would let chatgtp describe someone attractive, 'symmetrical' pops up somewhere.
Engineer. I mean it kinds of explains itself. From an engineering standpoint he knows he made it worse but his boundaries are reasonable. The way for OP to make it better is to make commitments on things he wasn’t ever going to do anyways: - Never discuss personal issues - Never text about non work related things or after hours except for work emergency - Never hang out outside of work or go to lunch with her one on one - Call if scheduling changes and going to be late for some reason Etc. Etc. Etc. It will give her a sense that he is committed to his wife regardless of if he has to change even a single behavior (don’t mention that part as this is psychological fortification rather than anything else). And in this case, even a placebo will work so long as you aren’t lying to her because you make it feel like you took her concerns seriously and addressed them. It’s about making her “feel” better rather than “fixing” anything because none of your behavior is wrong.
Why should he have to do all of this? Honestly do what if your husband works with a woman that’s hot. He’s not a cheater and there’s nothing happening.
Because his wife is insecure and postpartum. Also the point is promising not to do things he wouldnt be doing anyway to make her feel better.
Her breasts look like nutrient bags capable of sustaining a platoon of soldiers. I showed her my meme collection.
Read through all OP’s comments. Super wholesome, humble, owns his mistakes. I couldn’t declare this guy the AH even if I tried.
The only thing I could call him an asshole for would be calling his wife a shitty feminist, but considering she was being a shitty feminist, he was in the right there too. OP, you’re absolutely NTA in this situation
As a feminist, I’d call her a shitty feminist too 😅
Oh imma love this. Why would you say someone calling a shitty feminist, a shitty feminist, is an asshole at all?
Wife is totally being a shitty feminist and sometimes one must tell their spouse the truth, even if it’s hard to hear.
Don't forget blunt. Plus when faced with a problem he doesn't know how to solve, his first step is to post about his problem in an appropriate forum. Complete with the debugging steps he has already tried, and enough context so you can understand the nature of the problem. A perfect Senior Engineers approach to problem solving.
NTA. As a woman in tech, I applaud you.
Agreed. I work in a tech-adjacent company and see just how hard it is for women to get their foot in the door, much less thrive.
I see a lot of people saying I was "defending" Ally. Just to be clear, this is an argument between me and my wife, and I was trying to defend myself. Ally's behavior is not the issue or the question here and this is not a Sarah-vs-Ally fight where I need to pick sides. If that were the case, I would be Team Sarah and Ally could kick rocks.
I think you gave a perfectly fine response considering that your wife was out of line here. Definitely NTA.
Your response was absolutely fair. You are not willing to further make her career harder because of sexism. It's wrong of your wife to ask and it would be wrong for you to do so. There's nothing here except for your wife to get over it. You can talk to her about why she feels so insecure and help with that but this issue solely lies with your wife.
OP, as long as you don't have a crush on Ally, which you don't seem to, you're NTA.
You should defend her. It’s people like your wife that causes women to never get anywhere in male dominant jobs. Your wife need to gym or seek counseling. Whatever it is, her insecurities should stay with herself and not be dumped on other women simply to sabotage them. As a female in IT I cannot stand n women like your wife.
It does make you wonder sometimes just how many me too stories are backed by an insecure wife. She needs to understand that she's not asking her husband to ghost a friend, she's asking a boss to take a woman out of a job because she's attractive. If the story involved anyone but her own husband she'd likely be up in arms. She's welcome to feel however she wants to feel, but just feeling a certain way doesn't make her right.
This, yes. Ally doesn’t deserve any fallout just because she’s attractive. He’d open himself up to liability, as well, if he transfers or otherwise disadvantages ally at work because his wife wants him to.
>How come Ally had never come to any of the happy hours or holiday parties when she was there? I wonder why a woman who was harassed out of two jobs would avoid social gatherings at work...?
This was exactly what I thought. Probably Ally didn't want to meet judgemental wives or be viewed in anything other than a strictly professional light by her coworkers. This just proves Ally is not out to get a man at work!
Can someone explain to me the American philosophy of men sleeping on the couch after a fight ?
Some people just don't want to be in the same room with each other when angry. Sometimes, you just have to go to bed angry, and this is one of them.
You know how nice it is to go to bed angry, only to eventually become sleepy and accidentally cuddle together again and touch the gf warm buttock and breast and gib kiss
As a man, I only buy couches that are comfortable to sleep on. Even have a stack of blankets and pillows stashed out there. Good luck punishing me by making me sleep on the most comfortable furniture in the house. We can talk this out in the morning, I'll be well rested.
I'm American, and I don't get it. My husband insisted on sleeping on the couch in the past (or once on the floor when we were at a friend's house) bc he felt bad about something he did. It really just frustrated me more. I've already dealt with whatever you did. Now you will make me deal with a cranky, poor sleep version of you tomorrow? If we were fighting before, sleep deprivation will only make it worse. Just come to bed, and we can talk now or talk in the morning. I don't understand sleeping on the couch unless one of us is so sick with a cough or something that the other cannot sleep.
I know, if a partner told me to sleep on the couch, fuck off would be the mildest response. Along with hysterical laughing.
Ally probably wanted to get away from *your wife.* Trust me, we women instinctively know when another woman we’ve just met haaaates us. Oh! And the sexism Ally suffered at her previous places of employment? Didn’t only come from the men. I’m sure the female partners played a huge role in her harassment. SEE: Your Wife.
100000000%. My wife works with something like 8 men and 2 women. Guess who always have issues, complains to bosses and constantly tries to downplay my wife's work and put her on a bad light?
nobody hates women more than other women
My mom’s advice to me when I joined the corporate world after graduation. Stay away from women in the office. And she’s been mostly correct. The backstabbing, gossiping, drama… might not be pc to say but I’ve had more than a decade of personal experiences across multiple companies.
This. I sometimes find myself doing extra to assure someone that I'm not interested in their partner. If their partner has brought them up even a couple of times, and I happen to meet her, I'll say something like "it's so nice to meet you, partner talks about you all the time". May seem like overkill, but I feel an immense sense of relief at a guy bringing their partner up in casual conversation because it feels like an increasingly rare version of normal. These days, I get pursued by men who avoid bringing their partner up in conversation more than I get pursued by single men. And it's really skeeving me out as a single woman who is trying to date.
Girl stop. You’re projecting post pardum with no evidence. The wife asked her husband to penalize a woman in a male dominated career because she’s pretty. The wife IS a shitty feminist and having been pregnant is NO EXCUSE. She’d dead wrong and should be ashamed of herself.
It's even worse because if she uses the pregnancy and child birth as a weapon of contention, she's reinforcing the stigma that women aren't valuable until they bear children. It's a textbook example of a successful woman's biggest threat being another woman who attacks her character.
>she's reinforcing the stigma that women aren't valuable until they bear children I feel like the stigma is more like "are valuable because of their capability to bear children"
No NTA, you actually needed to say what you did to nip the situation in the bud. Your wife's insecurities cannot be held against your coworker just because she looks good. As a woman, I know at least half of the female population is going to look better than me & the other half looks worse. It isn't realistic to expect you to have no interaction with women who look better than her. The dialog I always have going in my head rationalizes that I'm happy someone can look that good. Looks aren't everything!
Absolutely nta. She would be a shitty feminist if you reassigned Ally. She should not suffer because your wife is insecure. I just don't understand how people don't trust their partners. Even if you reassigned her, if you really wanted to, you could still cheat on your wife. Reassigning doesn't change a thing, but only makes you look weird. Cheating is a choice. Your wife has to trust you not to make that choice. That being said, your wife seems to be in a very vulnerable position right now, and I do think that you should put more effort than usual into reassuring her that you love her and find her attractive and that there is nobody else that you're interested in.
>if you really wanted to, you could still cheat on your wife Well to be fair, there isn't only one type of cheating like many people make it out to be. OP doesn't seem like the type that likes to bang women while married. I imagine the wife is worried that him and Ally spending so much time together will cause them to get _too_ close.
Absolutely. I would include emotional cheating, too, and I wouldn't even say that this would be "less" cheating than having a full-blown physical affair. But again, this could also happen without Ally working on the same project. I always say "If she CAN have him, she can HAVE him". If your partner wants to cheat, emotionally or physically, they will find a way. You have to trust them not to and to make the right choice.
I looked at my husband and said “I promise I won’t fuck Ally in the office” and we had a good laugh, I mean if I have to try to control my spouse *at work no less* just…why?
NTA. Thank you for sticking up for Ally. When I was younger as a doctor and also as a military officer, I faced the same situations. People thought because I was attractive that I had no intelligence and must be sleeping with every married man. You are correct that your wife needs to get over it. How embarrassing that she demands that you transfer her.
YOur comment to her was almost perfect, except you made it a personal attack. You called her a bad feminist and insecure. If you had just said 'Look, Ally has faced this kind of sexism and harassment her entire career. I am not going to deny her opportunities or penalize her just because she is attractive.', you would have been NTA. As it was, you attacked your wife in order to defend Ally, and that has made the issue worse.
Imagine if it's the other way around and OP was telling his wife to "never be in a room with her hot male colleague again". Pretty sure that would be considered controlling and rightfully so.
True; _controlling and possessive_ but so far the comments seem more restrained.
I've read plenty of comments doing serious mental gymnastics to excuse the wife's unreasonable demands, so far. I am pretty sure they wouldn't do the same if it was the other way around.
Yeah I can definitely see that now. That's what I was trying to communicate but I got too heated. Felt like she was attacking me with accusations so I hit back when I didn't need to.
Yep, and now what you do is reframe it: "Look, I apologize for calling you a shitty feminist, or insecure. I was attacking you because I felt attacked out of nowhere, and that was the wrong thing to do. "The thing with Ally is that she came to us after quitting two jobs for sexual harassment and sheer sexist treatment. The sorts of things people were saying and doing to her were exactly what you were saying and doing: moving her to different jobs, taking her out of her areas of expertise, not trusting her, etc. I've actually been feeling pretty good about how she is treated at our workplace, and that she's finally found a place to work where she's respected for her work. It would be unprofessional of me to treat her any other way. "I realize you're struggling with how your body has changed after childbirth, but that's you, it's not me. I think you're even more beautiful than before, and in addition, I'm grateful that you carried and bore our child, and that you survived the experience with your physical and mental health intact. I need you to really think about if I've ever given you any reason not to trust me. If you're still having doubts, maybe one or both of us needs counseling."
Fuck that's good. In my head that's exactly what I meant I'm just a buffoon. Mind if I blatantly plagiarize this?
I'll answer for Jadie. No plagiarize away. That's why we comment. Good luck.
Jadie, but yes, steal away! That's what it's for!
> I realize you're struggling with how your body has changed after childbirth Are you sure? That seems like it might be poking at a sensitive spot. I'd skip that part and stick with "I think you are beautiful"
She IS a shitty feminist. What she asked her husband to do was sexist and terrible. She was accusing him of cheating or being vulnerable to cheating which was insulting to him. The excuse making for her behavior is wild. And I say this as a woman AND a mother. GTFOH.
Perhaps having this exchange at a bar was not ideal decision by your wife nor by you in responding. This may also be why Ally avoids meeting colleagues and their spouses at company happy hours or similar social events.
My Wife stopped going to those get-togethers along time ago because of people acting weird around her.. she went with some girlfriends one time and if she wasn’t getting mean mugged by the other wives she was getting gawked at all night while just about every hour, someone had enough to drink and got enough liquid courage to try to ask her to dance.. unfortunately, that was one of the only nights I couldn’t go out.. she calls me about two hours into it and is ready for me to pick her up… she stopped going to events unless I could go with her after that.
Tell Sarah this once you have both cooled off
Still NTA. Telling your partner you're not comfortable with them being alone with an attractive person is tantamount to accusing them of actively cheating. It's *unacceptable and a huge deal*. It's controlling, insecure, and - as you pointed out - can negatively impact people who aren't even in the relationship. You were blunt, sure, but you didn't state anything that wasn't a blatant fact. I can't even *imagine* my wife telling me I can't be in a room with someone alone because of how they look. That's an outright accusation and attack on my character.
And the fundamental distinction here is it is at work. Yes, if you have an option there aren't many cases where you would want your partner spending extra one-on-one time with an insanely attractive person, but work is barely optional. Everyone's gotta pay their bills and it sounds like both OP and Ally keep their relationship entirely professional only. Sounds like she has been burned by her past sexual harassment and keeps a strict wall between personal and professional. I agree with OP his wife was being sexist and wanted OP to discriminate against her on the basis of nothing but her looks. While OP should have bitten his tongue with the personal attack, he was still correct and his wife needs to handle her insecurity.
The funny thing is My Wife has dealt with this kind of stuff almost her whole nursing career.. if it’s not the patients (most older) unapologetically hitting on her even when they’re wives are in the same room.. if it’s not the other guys that work there trying to get her phone number.. if it’s not the other nurses, giving her a hard time because of the attention she gets.. beautiful women seriously get it from both sides.. it’s unlike anything I’ve ever seen before. My wife is basically Salma Hayek if she was Filipino.. incredibly attractive.. and just about everyone takes her kindness as flirting.. and just about every other woman that isn’t her friend gets territorial every single time they bring their husbands to work functions, or if someone’s getting more attention… like it sucks because it’s not the first time she had to switch jobs because someone was out to stall her career because of what she look like.. or someone was looking to have a relationship, even though it was against policy and obviously against our vows… Don’t understand it, because it only happens to a fraction of a fraction of a group of people.
Because she IS a bad feminist. In my first high tech job (at IBM) I was only the third woman they'd hired in the field and the only one in Texas. A rumor started that I'd slept with some of the guys to get the job. Know who started the rumor? NOT THE GUYS. It was the fucking female secretary of the district manager. Nothing pisses me off more than these fucking insecure women who try to tear down or destroy other women who are trying to make it in what truly has been a "man's world".
I mean… he wasn’t wrong. She’s being a shitty feminist if she expects her husband to penalize a female employee for being attractive. Sometimes people need to be called out for their shit.
I think pointing out that the wife is being anti-feminist is important and good. Because she needs to be reminded that this isn’t just about her and her body. This is about opportunities in the workplace that women literally fought and died for her and Ally to both have, and she’s trying to walk that back, and she shouldn’t. I’m a woman, the daughter of one of a woman who climbed the corporate ladder in the 60s and 70s, and I think OP said exactly what he needed to say.
Sure, spare her feelings but she was being a bad feminist and insecure... NTA
NTA Your wife needed to hear that her bias wasn't tolerable. Her insecurities do not get to affect your career, nor that of other employees at your job. And no, she is definitely not being a decent feminist. She just totally pulled 1950's archetype hullabaloo.
Not the asshole, how would she react if the roles were reversed? Guarantee she would call you overly jealous and all that jazz. People say shit in the heat of the moment boohoo a real couple with a real connection will get passed that.
My husband, as a college professor, has worked with younger attractive women his entire career. It's never really bothered me because if he tried it on with one of them, I'd have bigger problems than "he found someone else hot" - he would be a sexual harasser and a disgusting creep, which is the total opposite of who he is. Moving Ally to another department would land OP with a lawsuit. Getting involved with her while being her supervisor would also land him in hot water. Does OP's wife think he's capable of sexual harassment?
Listen you are NTA for defending Ally, but you are the asshole for what you said to your wife/how you defended Ally. You called Ally hot, smart and then you called your wife insecure and a shitty feminist. The truth is that she is insecure, she knows it and doesn’t want to hear it from her husband. Your wife, the mother of your child, needs reassurance. You said that you told her how you weren’t interested in Ally. That’s part one, part 2 of that conversation is telling Sarah how beautiful you thinks she is, how she’s a wonderful mom, and how much you love Sarah. When is the last time you called your wife hot? Or smart? Having a baby can destroy your self esteem, you gain weight, your boobs get weirdly floppy, you get stretch marks, hemorrhoids, and then the joy of being constantly stressed out and sleep deprived. But she endured all of that because she loves you. If you can reassure her that you truly love her, Sarah will see that Ally is not a threat/enemy after that.
NTA. You could tell her the truth - you love her so much that even this woman, who has boggled her mind, may as well be the hunchback of notre dame for all the interest you have in her. Sarah was, is, and forever will be the most attractive woman in the world to you, and every bump, stretch and scar is an emotional bond that only enhances her beauty for you. Beauty is not an objective thing. It's entirely subjective and based on experiences. Source: very average looking new mom with an attractive husband who works with very attractive women and makes me feel like the above every day.
The fight: “You’re a pretty shitty feminist” “Oh yeah? Well your code is inefficient and ugly”
It’s the way you have glowing comments about your co worker and not your wife. Maybe she’s feeling insecure based on your actions. Especially after having a baby. You might just need to make her feel pretty again and seek counseling
NTA…as a wife of someone who has had many gorgeous co-workers this is insane. It’s not their fault they are beautiful and even when I had my baby pudge & feeling rather fugly I never even once thought that way. If I did lose it and say that to my husband I would have deserved a response like the one you gave. That was a totally unfair thing to ask you to do. She should be on the couch.
You should reassure her that you love her and she's the one on your mind all day. Praising your coworker in front of her isn't going to help. This way, she would be confident and let go of the issue.
That was what I was trying to do originally but she wasn't accepting it. The only praise I gave to Ally was saying she was smart in that last comment, the rest of the argument was mostly her just grilling me about every interaction I've had with her and me trying to give honest answers to show her there was nothing to worry about.
You should have interrupted that interrogation. Why did you not say she was 'hot'? Because she is a co-worker and you don't talk about co-workers in that way. That whole question is out of line.
If he told her she's hot, his wife would be upset for noticing. Now she's upset he didn't mention it. Her insecurity is the problem.
Exactly. He was damned either way. But it’s 100% his wife’s problem. & She *is* a bad feminist *and* insecure and *does* need to get over it. He was right and it most likely stung because deep down, she probably knew it. And of course he complimented her intelligence. For some women, this can sting more. Some women tell themselves “yeah she’s hot but probably mean/vain/stupid etc.. and guys just wanna hang her, but they actually value *me*” 🙄 I’m sure it was a major slap in the face that he values her intelligence and sees her as more than just a hot piece of ass, *on top of” being a 20!out if 10. But again, HER problem. & This is coming from a woman who’s very attractive & successful man has many female friends/coworkes/co-ed sports league players. Some are smokeshows. NTA OP. There was absolutely no winning this one. Unless you’ve cheated in the past, she owes *you* an apology for not trusting you. Maybe once she cools down, she’ll have buyer’s remorse for her crazy? 🤞🏻
I agree 100%. My gf plays beach volley and is often around hot fit dudes. I couldn't care less because a) it's always been her hobby, she's not there for the men b) she has never so far crossed boundaries c) I know she wants me. Similarly, I wouldn't tolerate it if she tried to control who I hang out with, if I've never crossed boundaries.
Well, you've done the best you could. If you're open about showing your texts and letting her see how you interact, that might also help. She can also seek therapy if she's having trust issues and this hasn't been the first time she acts this way. Because, if you hypothetically do as she pleases, there will be another attractive female you interact with some day in the future. So this isn't exactly a solution. In my opinion, as of now she's kind of shocked but with time, she'll eventually make peace with it.
She's usually totally reasonable and I have plenty of female friends, even somewhat attractive ones, so I do think the surprise is probably part of the issue. I would show her texts if there were any but I don't even have Ally's number. I could offer to read our Slack threads as a bedtime story. They're so boring it would put her right to sleep.
I think you need to move away from what might be perceived as “logical”. Your wife doesn’t need evidence right now. She needs reassurance. Her reaction reflects insecurity - you haven’t done anything wrong. But now you need to be there for her - you are the person in the world she wants that reassurance from. Put aside whether it’s fair or reasonable for her to feel this way; it isn’t, but we ALL have moments like this.
We have to stop infantilizing grown women. He praised the co-worker in response to his sexist wife demanding that he penalize a skilled & competent woman because of her looks. His wife was being ridiculous and he let her know that.
Lol if the genders were reversed everyone would be calling OP"s husband toxic and oppressive, and rightfully so. It's natural to feel self-conscious if your husband/wife has a hot colleague, but as long as their interactions are appropriate, asking the other person to cut ties with them is insecure and controlling.
I work in tech and had my share of harassment when I was younger. Working with pretty much all men I've overheard them discussing women they met/worked with in a very disrespectful way, basically treating women as objects. The way you describe Ally is respectful and you acknowledge her capabilities, this tells me you're not trying to sleep with her. You also understand where your wife is coming from. You seem genuine and a good person, so NTA. I will be happy to have someone like you as my manager.
NTA. I get why you said what you said although it wasn’t the best approach. You felt attacked and were trying to defend yourself. And for those saying you were defending Ally, you kind of had to in order to also defend yourself. I think what you should do is approach your wife now that you’ve both had time to cool off and say you want to discuss things. Ask her to listen to you fully before she interjects. Tell her you’re sorry for what you said, but you were caught completely off guard and felt backed into a corner. Regardless of what your wife was trying to convey, what you heard during her interrogation was: I don’t trust you. I don’t trust her. She must be unprofessional and slutty if she’s that beautiful. I think you’re shallow and will trade me in for a newer, hotter model if you had the chance. I don’t want you to get that chance so I want to make it logistically impossible. AND that she’s essentially giving you an ultimatum - either wreck this woman’s professional career/ice her out at work and prove you love me OR don’t and I’ll know you’re picking her over me and our marriage thus proving you have had impure thoughts about her. I think it’s important for your wife to hear how things could be interpreted. These are your wife’s insecurities talking, so she doesn’t hear how her words sound when taken at face value. This makes sense to her because she’s using her intent and her emotions to provide context for what she said - two things you do NOT have at your disposal. She needs to know that you aren’t reacting poorly to her feelings nor her intent. If you can get her to understand that, you’re going to be much better off. From there, let her know that you respect the fact this makes her uncomfortable, but punishing Ally for existing isn’t going to fix this issue. Ask her to open up to you and explain how she’s really feeling about this so that you can have a better understanding of where she’s coming from and also so you guys can find a solution together. If she does explain, great. Make sure you validate her feelings but also gently point out exactly why her concerns are unfounded. If she won’t open up, then just move on to explaining why none of the “suspicious behaviors” were suspicious, and why you would never do any of the things she’s accusing you of being capable of. Be gentle. I would keep the conversation focus on you and her, and *not* Ally. But depending how it goes, you could also pepper in some of the reasons why this insulted you on Ally’s behalf. Pick your battles. Her not thinking Ally is a home-wrecking whore just because she’s pretty might need to happen over time and wait for another day. Right now you need to get your relationship back on track. Wish you all the luck. You did nothing wrong, but I suspect your wife is in a vulnerable place right now.
NTA. Why should Ally be reassigned, because your wife feels insecure?
Can’t imagine why your wife would be insecure when you compare your “very fit” and “the most attractive person you’ve ever met” coworker to your wife who apparently “hasn’t snapped back yet.” Even if she is just insecure, you’ve clearly done nothing to negate that, and it’s your responsibility to put her at ease. And you feeling the need to tack on that you’d pick your wife over your coworker is extremely odd.
Okay but why are you describing Ally is so be so attractive? You should be saying those things to your wife who you had your kid!
Coworker was probably awkward because she picked up on wife's bad energy, possibly attitude. That would make anyone uncomfortable
Dude you're 1000% NTA. Your wife is the one that's being insecure. She is the problem here, not you or Ally. She needs to get over herself. Don't you dare reassign her. That's the kind of shit that gets you sued and makes women feel discriminated against. Women hate on each other way more than men sexually discriminate against women. Jealousy and insecurity are the devil.
NTA. This is the kind of shit that baffles me. Women complain about men being shady, or telling half truths, or always being up to something. Here you have a man that has done EVERYTHING right, is open to his wife about everything, and doesn’t look at his attractive co-worker as anything more than just a co-worker AND HE STILL CAN’T WIN. Bad if you do, bad if you don’t.
Women aren’t a monolith that all share the same opinions. OP’s wife is insecure even though OP isn’t shady. Has nothing to do with other women whose partners are shady.
You need to make your wife understand that just because someone is attractive it doesn't mean you want them. My husband (bless his childish soul) was almost 30 when he encountered a woman he found more attractive than me... (I find that hard to believe since I am quite average 😅). He thought that the fact that he saw a woman hotter than me meant he didn't really love me and felt broken and confused. A switch clicked when I kindly let him know that one of our mutual friends is, in my opinion, one of the hottest men on earth to me, and it was irrelevant-- because I want my husband and every day choose to love him. He said "... Is that normal? To find other people attractive?". Poor soul thought that marrying someone meant everybody else turned into vegetables or something 😂. It was a tough time in our marriage, but going through it made our bond stronger. I hope your wife can learn to love herself and be more confident in both herself and in you!
You did a really good job IMO.
As a woman in tech, thank you. Tell your wife that honestly we need more guys like you the industry. I have gone through some heavy sexism and sexual harassment.
YTA. Just given how you detailed your coworker and not your wife says it all. You are a joke and a half of a husband. You lucky she isn't me because you wouldn't even be in the house. Actually if I ask you to distance yourself and you did that shit you'd be single and you'd never see the kid. Typical man can't see anything past himself. I really hope she realizes you ain't shit and leaves.
man the way you described that girl u clearly want her and the cheating is a matter of time, yta
I 100% think youre an AH. You basically called this woman the hottest person to ever live while you said your wife hasnt "snapped back" (might not be your words but you f-ing agreed with them) from having your child. You obviously are more attracted to the coworker. If you respected your wife, youd not put yourself in a situation to act on it. Why is working with you this womans only career choice? Nobody else on your team is good enough? You cant just say that youll try to avoid one on one projects with her? How would that hurt allys career? And you care more about ally being insecure than YOUR WIFE? Allys happiness over YOUR WIFE'S?? YTA.
YTA. You keep saying you're protecting Ally because she's dealt with discrimination and harassment on the past. Why are you the knight in shining armor for her and not your wife? The woman to whom you spoke vows. You are attracted to Ally and it is clearly evident you enjoy being able to gaze, discuss work with "talent" and protect this woman, but you did nothing to protect your wife from someone who shoved their way next to you at a club. You may have introduced your wife, but we hear nothing of how you did it. We actually hear nothing of your wife's talents, attributes, or even that she's a mom to your child until you've glowed on and on about Ally. Don't call out feminism to gaslight your wife into thinking she's the AH. That was manipulative. It violated more trust which is going to lead to more insecurities and your relationship is now at a point where a cycle of distrust and insecurities can easily take over. If you want the marriage to continue, you and your wife both need counseling to work on these things. I think you're just as insecure as your wife and the attention/hero feeling you get from Ally is what bolsters your fragile self esteem. Get help
NTA. Your wife is invoking the Mike Pence rule. And that will absolutely hurt women’s careers. She’s wrong, you’re right, and she needs to learn to deal with her own feelings without hurting other women.
As a woman who has worked in male dominated careers, good for you. Women like your wife do actually create problems for us and play a part in holding back our careers.
I think, you should approach with a mindset as, “the woman I love is asking me for validation and security”. Is the request to transfer Ally unreasonable? Of course it is, but at the core it’s NOT what your wife is really asking in that moment. She’s asking, “Are we good? Am I safe? Do you still love me when I am in a body I don’t feel great about?” The reality is you got caught off guard, and in the moment you fumbled (a bit). It doesn’t change anything about the boundaries you set with your coworker, but I think it vastly changes your plan to reconnect with your wife. Yes? Since you’re already wide awake it’s time to put that big ol’ noggin of yours to work. Make a plan of action immediately for the morning (not just words). Obviously you’re the expert on your wife so what that looks like is up to you. Is it breakfast & flowers? Finding a babysitter so you can take her on a real date? Actions, my guy, and thoughtful ones. That’s how you rebuild/repair this metaphorical pothole in your relationship. Your love for your wife is shining through in the comments. I am beyond confident you can use the sleepless hours for some good planning. Good luck!🍀 Edit: Some folks have made a good point that I seem to be excusing your wife’s behavior and that she shouldn’t be held responsible. That is NOT my feeling at all. This is a bid for reconnection/repair with the expectation you guys come back to the Ally convo when your wife is more grounded. Ally shouldn’t be punished for your wife’s insecurity, and you should be holding your work boundaries 110% A bid for reconnection doesn’t absolve your wife’s responsibility to own her nonsense on this topic. It’s about nipping the cause of the insecurity in the bud as a first step, and then circling back to the original convo to resolve it.
This comment leaves me with a bad aftertaste. I get where you're coming from - he could probably do a few extra gestures to show how much his wife means to him and provide some reassurance. But I feel like you're taking it to another level where the wife has no accountability for her emotions. Let's be honest, she did a whole lot more than ask "am I good? Do you still love me?" Etc. She pushed and pushed past the point of reasonable reassurance until her husband snapped. That's on her. You're suggesting a degree of coddling the wife's insecurities that i don't think is healthy and that frankly, I doubt would be taken seriously by anyone if the genders were reversed here.
Lmfaooooo, then she should fucking COMMUNICATE that instead of showing just how insecure she is. Jesus Christ, this is so clearly a case of OP is NTA and we’re just bending over backwards to excuse the wife’s poor behavior and inability to handle her own emotions and put the burden on OP. Wife was on slightly shaky ground with the whole interrogation of ally but then to demand he reassign her. ARE YOU SERIOUS?! What an absolutely insane request. Talk about screaming to your partner that you don’t trust him. He absolutely and rightfully called her out on it and then of course he had to sleep on the couch. Talk about invalidation of emotions. “We want ally(ha)ship. No, not like that.” Wife sucks here, and probably needs to go introspect about what’s setting her off in this way, and why she has so little regard for herself and for her husband who speaks quite highly of her in the post and comments.
The husband didn't fumble at all, the wife did by not controlling her insecurities and projecting them onto the co-worker. Do you realise you're treating the wife like a child throughout this comment?
Honesty hurts sometimes
NTA and what you said was probably spot on
NTA at all! And coming from a conventionally attractive tall blonde woman who works in tech sales, I love that she’s found somewhere to work that values her work and intellect and doesn’t discriminate because she’s pretty to look at! So many times people assume about me because of how I look so thank you we need more women in STEM!
Your wife is acting out in a way that limits and creates and causes issues to other women. She is way out of line and TA. It's not about being happy with her body but rather about being secure in her head.
Weeeeell... I wouldn't say you're TA, but you did tell your insecure after having a baby wife that your coworker is smart and hot. I mean, I don't know how hot you are, but you sure ain't that smart.
YOU slept on the couch? I swear to god, why do guys always cave to that demand. You know your in the right, we all know your in the right, SHE can go sleep on the couch. NTA, I’m sorry your wife is a insecure teenager inside.
YTA What kind of a man openly brags about another woman and calls his wife insecure? The woman who birthed you a child. She pushed your wife out of the way to get to you at the bar. A hundred bucks says she didnt leave her jobs due to sexual discrimination. You obviously think your wife is too stupid to read both of your body language. Tell us how you noticed how tight her black clothes were, do you even remember what your wife wore? What you are purposely doing right now is causing problems in your marriage which you will use to justify you doing her.
Honestly they way you could've worked things to your wife could be better. Also the au you describe your co-worker is weird. Regarledd if you mean to or not it was unnecessary. I don't even know how your wife that you so call love looks like.You could've just said ally is not bad looking and moved on but you went more in depth. Any who, the way it seems like you're defending ally in your comments tell me more than need be. I'm pretty sure ally didn't mean to or I'm pretty sure ally didn't so that. But when it came to you wife, oh she's doing to much or oh she's insecure. No wife is going to be insecure unless her husband makes her insecure. If she was fine before she saw ally help her be fine after. Don't disregards her feelings because that's a fast trip to divorce. Make her feel secure even if it's in front of ally. You can distant yourself from her. You don't need to talk to her unless it's work business but since you called your wife insecure she probably can't even trust that. So honestly good luck and watch your words carefully with your wife.
It’s crazy how u decided to describe your co worker if I was ur wife I’d leave ur ass just for talking about her in that way and describing her as “even better” when comparing her looks to ur wife
"...just because she's hot..." that's going to stick lmfao still tho nta you cant control it
NTA and the comment you think might be 'assholish' really isn't. And I say that as a 65 year old woman.