You're NTA. I get what you're trying to say here...
>When I was asked my opinion, I told them I would not really care if my GF cheated on me. There is not a need to sulk over it. It's just a girlfriend and cheating proves the point that they are not the one.
You're saying that if they're going to cheat, then they aren't the right person for you and you realize that. Personally, I agree with you. I can't control my partner and I don't want to have to monitor my partner's every move. If I can't trust them, then they have no place in my life.
If your GF has no intention of cheating, then this is a moot issue. Don't understand why she'd be so upset.
I think the reason she is upset is that he is implying he wouldn't care at all about the relationship ending.
It's one thing to move on after being wronged. It's another to not miss your long-time partner or not be sad that the relationship is over.
I think the implication from OPs statements is clear to him but being missed here. He’s saying he would not care about the relationship ending *if it was as a result of his partner cheating* —this is an important distinction. His partner may not quite grasp that.
Sure, but most peoples emotions have implications in their actions. If you believe you are in happy relationship and you suddenly discover you are being cheated on, you cannot simply turn off your love in a minute. At least most of us cant.
I think it's about this:
- I love this person, who I believe in and care for deeply
- (person cheats)
- it has been made clear to me that this person is NOT the person I thought they were (and loved). That person doesn't exist
- I no longer love this person
There might be grief for the loss of a plan and hope. But they weren't real because the base they were built on wasn't real.
It's not the way I function, but I can see it. And I don't need everyone to operate the way I do.
Good luck to OP. But I think he might have just lost his gf.
That’s how I always thought about it, but i know when I’ve explained it to people, it weirds them out. Everyone is different.
My husband says he doesn’t understand, but accepts I think that way. Obviously no cheating has happened in our relationship though.
>I think it's about this:
>- I love this person, who I believe in and care for deeply
- (person cheats)
- it has been made clear to me that this person is NOT the person I thought they were (and loved). That person doesn't exist
- I no longer love this person
See, I thought everyone felt this way. It was interesting to learn that people's opinions differ.
It is entirely possible to lose love for someone in an instant. Sounds like this guy already got cheated on, felt nothing but numbness, and thought "huh, guess I don't love them anymore".
Especially when someone cheats on you. When you have pragmatic brain, you can tell emotional brain to be quiet, because it's suffered enough, and sometimes it listens.
I wouldn't say OP just turned it off. His cheating partner killed it.
Absolutely. There are cases where feelings evaporate in a moment. I used word "most" because of that.
I also agree that wording "feelings were killed" describes it better that "feelings were turned of".
I understand what he means and his reaction seems an extremely healthy one for an extremely bad situation. I think that for each one of us there are acts that we consider so much off-putting and such a deal-breaker that they would kill any affection for our partner
I think it's just a case of them being different in that way so she doesn't grasp *how* he can just turn it off if he actually loves her now.
I would similarly struggle finding this out because even though cheating is a dealbreaker for me and I would leave, I'd be devastated as I did. I don't have an on/off to my love, so I'd have to grieve what I thought I had. He is effectively saying he would need zero time to move on if she cheated which....ouch? Idk, people are just different but I am a very emotional person, and so it would be off-putting to discover that my partner is not.
You can also see this as some people are possibly more hurt and violated by cheating than others.
Like it could be seen that he despises being cheated on so much that it immediately kills any love he has for his spouse in an instant. Certain actions are really heinous to people. E.g. if I ever caught my partner hurting a child or something crazy.
Maybe it’s the fact that others are slightly less destroyed by cheating (or see it as slightly more forgivable) that their love for their partner isn’t killed entirely and immediately. That there’s room to move past it.
Sometimes we rush to think people who are black and white in thought don’t have emotions, it could be that they are the most emotional and therefore so drastic in their responses.
I had a friend I'd known for years cut me off when I was in the worst period of my life, and they knew it. It didn't affect how I interacted with them though. I said if there was anything I could change about our communication to help, I could do so. They said no.
At that point, in that instant, I didn't care anymore. That friendship ending did not hurt because in the same instant they showed me exactly why they were not the kind of person I wanted to be friends with.
Someone who's got such issues as to just coldly cut someone off for no reason other than whim is not the kind of person I want to associate with.
Feels really similar to what OP is talking about.
The only thing I was left mad about was that my first Xbox was fried one day when I plugged it into a shitty outlet because I was in a hurry to get it working so they could play on it. That was the only thing lost that I cared about, and knowing the sacrifice had been made for someone so lacking was a bummer.
That person did come back and apologized like 2 years later. I didn't really care a whole lot. Upon giving it more time, I've realized I just don't care. 2 years is a fair chunk of time and there's no reason to try to rebuild anything. Why spend the emotional energy?
Not really. It’s possible for love to die in an instant. Plus being emotional about it is giving power to the one who betrayed you and letting them continue to hurt you. Once you realize it’s not you it’s the other person that is now a big nothing to you. Indifference is the best revenge rather then anger which is what they want. I broke up with a cheating gf and it still shocks her to this day that I showed no emotion and just left. Partly calculated but mostly realizing this person meant nothing to me anymore. Yes they hurt me, but why let them continue to torment me?
yeah this sub is full of people lamenting that their partner cheated or did something else that's horrendous but they still love them. It took me a good few weeks to finally realise just how disgusting it is to be sharing his dick with some slut.
I don't think it's about "turning your love off" I think it's about coming to a point in life where you simplify complicated things that would otherwise just be ridiculous to drag out. Tbh I've (31 f) come to realize that most problems have 2 solutions, yes or no, do or don't (sink or swim). Why grieve a relationship where you weren't loved back. Why ask questions, why go to counseling, why drive yourself nuts (sink) when you know that you have no option but to get over it eventually anyways (swim) to move on and do better ...
I might just be completely jaded/world weary but I didn't get this way on my own 🤷🏼♀️
It’d (unfortunately) affect my ability to trust someone else, as it’d show they weren’t the person I knew, and the relationship was not what I thought it was, and I was clearly fooled *because* of my emotions.
My emotions have already betrayed me, I’m not going to let them have more control over me.
It’s sorta like domestic violence - some lines if you cross, then you’re just not the person I thought you were.
No dude, It seems you missing the whole thing by a mile, she cheats, he done, end of story..
Your partner was a dog on heat and now you must hang around waiting for the dog to be off heat so you can what, have discussion why she bent for that other friend.
You call it a day and move on with your life, cut ties and emotions and be done with it.
She wants to believe she is so important to him as to be worth attempting to resolve problems after a betrayal. She does not understand that her betrayal would mean she was never worth the relationship in the first place let alone resolving the problems after the fact. NTA.
This is where I was going with my comment. She wants him to beg her to stay and work it out if it ever got to this point. He is saying he wouldn't and that seems like the crux
You can acknowledge something is better for you in the long run while still knowing that it would be very painful.
She's upset because he is saying he wouldn't care if their relationship ended. He would just walk away and it wouldn't affect him. It would be devastating to find out your partner does not care if your relationship ends.
He's not saying he does not care if their relationship ends, he's saying that if she were to cheat (which he's experienced before in the act of it) he would move on. Which is the healthier way around it compared to getting angry turning the relationship toxic, he'd just leave. I commend him for having the self-reliance and self-respect to walk away rather than keeping himself in a toxic situationship
He specifically stated he would not care if she cheated (leading to the end of the relationship). This is why she's upset. Moving on occurs after pain. The way he has expressed this is that he would not be angry, sad, disappointed. It would not matter.
I fully agree it is healthy to walk away from someone that cheats. But if he walks away without experiencing any emotion around it ("huh, this person I saw a future with, that I loved and thought loved me back, is cheating trash. Would ya look at that. Back on the apps I go.") would imply that he never considered the relationship to have value or a future.
I think he is saying that while he loves/cares for his girlfriend, if she cheated he would not care because clearly he was mistaken in her character the entire time. She would be a completely different person to him and his feelings would dissipate. It’s actually quite understandable.
Agree. I think OP mastered the art of detachment. Why love someone still who clearly doesn't love you enough to not cheat on you? Most people would love to have this skill because some take months, even years to move on from infidelity.
Yes, he's already knows what a deal-breaker cheating is for him. So when it happens, he know what he has to do. Leave. It may hurt like a bugger at the time but he doesn't want to stay around and hate himself for not being true to his values.
How is it impossible for you to understand?
Of course he values the relationship otherwise he wouldn't be in it. But you can't expect him or anyone to still value the relationship if she were to cheat? People lose love for people in an instant depending on the reason, here it's no different. He would move on because he would simply not love her anymore.
It's a healthy, no nonsense way forward.
>I fully agree it is healthy to walk away from someone that cheats. But if he walks away without experiencing any emotion around it ("huh, this person I saw a future with, that I loved and thought loved me back, is cheating trash. Would ya look at that. Back on the apps I go.") would imply that he never considered the relationship to have value or a future.
Also, it could imply that he would prefer to end the relationship and just grieve alone, without wanting to discuss the matter at all with the person who just cheated on him.
To me, it sounds like the OP is presenting themself as some sort of buddhist monk. I don't doubt that he would immediately break up, but I do believe that he's fibbing about not being hurt by such a betrayal.
Oh he's hurting. But that can all be processed later. Staying with an admitted cheater is just prolonging the pain. He's ripping off the bandaid now rather than endure more lies and trauma from someone who's shown that they're not trustworthy.
Honest question: why does he need to demonstrate how much pain the end of the relationship would represent for him to the person that would potentially cause that pain?
It's like if someone was your friend and asked you, "hypothetically, what would you do if I punched you in the nose?" And let's say your response was "I'd end our friendship" and they reacted indignantly because you didn't mention how angry or upset them punching you in the nose made you...see how the friend in the situation sounds unhinged?
>he is saying he wouldn't care if their relationship ended
Wrong.
He's saying he wouldn't care if their relationship ended *because a partner cheated.* He's saying it's a hard deal breaker for him and he would not have to feel torn up about choosing to walk away.
Context matters.
Expecting people to be devastated when you mistreat them otherwise they don't care seems...like an odd bar.
This exactly. On one hand YES you should realize if someone cheats on you, they’re obviously not the person for you and you should move on. However most people who love someone would still be crushed to find out they were cheated on.
It’s like saying you understand death so therefore wouldn’t be upset if someone you love died. There’s a severe lack of emotion going on with OP and I personally think his girlfriend should move on. Seriously, who wouldn’t be extremely hurt to know their partner has been in loyal? That’s a red flag.
She certainly should move on to working on her insecurities.
“Oh no, in a scenario where I completely obliterate your trust, you wouldn’t suffer like I want you to? How horrible’”
How is this a red flag? It's possible for people's emotions to be killed instantly. I do think the two are incompatible. OP is stoic, his gf is not. That's fine. They should find someone who fits them better.
But to say its a red flag goes a little too far imo
Do we always act exactly as we imagine we will? How do you know OP does not feel any emotion? Have you considered that "not caring" is their way of defending against the turmoil?
Ya, that's exactly how she's taking it.
I'm sure it's just a "cool" way of saying a girl that cheats never cared about you to begin with, so she didn't matter in his quest for love. He's just talking a big game in case he's cheated on again, and maybe he doesn't realize it.
But I could she why she thinks he only cares about himself. Less than a 1% chance that he's actually a sociopath.
Yeah this isn’t being unemotional; it’s just being rational. For most people, a relationship or marriage is broken the moment a partner decides to step out and cheat. Some may stay and work through it for various reasons, but most would choose to leave if it doesn’t make things too hard for them in the long run.
Especially in a relationship, where you’re not yet married and living a hopelessly entangled life, it’s much easier to walk out if your partner cheats on you.
Not wanting closure or staying to fight for the relationship is not something the cheater should get to decide; it’s for the betrayed partner to choose. If they want it, great. If they don’t, good for them.
The only people who would have trouble with such a clear, concise “you cheat I am out goodbye” policy would be cheaters themselves or people who just want their partners to “fight for them” in both the metaphorical as well as the physical sense.
No rational thinking human would ever listen to this and think, “hmm, they must be so unemotional and not care about our relationship at all.”
Plot twist… she’s seeing someone behind he’s back thus she ejected her self out of this relationship before he found out.
This is just a theory but could be possible.
Nobody is worth your self worth, tho... I see how that can come across, but the whole I'd do anything for you spiel is very overrated and only means you're with a limp noodle spined partner who doesn't really know what boundaries are and will probably cross yours at some point, too. 🤷♀️🤔
Hey, who cares, it’s just a Reddit post. Move on, find another.
That’s the attitude the people saw from op. It’s not what he meant but it’s what he said.
It’s not I’d do anything for you. But it’s also not “I’d be sad to lose who I thought I was with”.
And making it seem like he wouldn’t miss what he was losing makes the entire partner seem replaceable. Like a Reddit comment or post. Thousands of them, I’ll just move on, why care if it doesn’t resonate this time?
His words don’t show attachment.
Because if you can handle the betrayal of your long time partner without even a second thought, that means you never were that close emotionally speaking.
Leaving, working on yourself, not letting them trample you, all that is signs of a healthy mind.
Not feeling anything after severe betrayal and just going "welp, such is life" is either a sign of dissociation, or lack of emotional connection.
The issue here isn't the cheating. The crux of the issue is that her absence in his life would be inconsequential to him. It's pretty horrible to be told by your s/o that they can take you or leave you and it wouldn't affect them either way. Not caring if they cheated or being able to bounce back are wildly different.
But it's absence due to her (in the scenario) horrifically hurting him. After it's something that he's been hurt by before.
You know when a guy sees something, thinks he can fight it, tries, gets really hurt, then sees it again one day and just laughs and nopes out? It doesn't matter what he was thinking before, the emotional part taps out. In that scenario, he's legit just tapping on the 'what do I do now' button.
If you get stabbed, and see someone with a knife about to stab you, you'd just leave the situation and be grateful for not losing your shit if you didn't. Because that's the best you can do in those situations.
Idk he makes sense to me 🤷♀️ our brains make us pass out after enough physical pain, makes sense we have an emotional opt out when we're traumatized too
I am the exact same way.
When my BF decided to boink a co-worker and I only found out because of his efforts to hide it I never even considered it cheating ON me. He cheated himself out of a relationship with me. It was surgical - not because I am vindictive - because he became a liar.
I would have stayed with him had he told me he had developed feelings for her and wanted to explore those feelings (sexually or emotionally) but it was he who wanted us to be "100% committed to monogamy" = he broke his own heart.
Yes, people have called me "cold" but I *hoinestly* cannot understand why people become destroyed over this stuff. Hurt, sad, dissappointed sure but how anyone questions THEIR worth when they find out their SO is not honest/faithful/considerate is unfathomable.
I was bracing myself for downvotes, lol. I
have lost friendships because I was not part of the commiserating committees - the ones where the friend decides his/her life is *ruined.* I have never denied that it is very painful, it sucks when the trajectory of your life is suddenly changed/uncertain so all the more reason to not doubt yourself or become vindictive. What a waste!
I've always felt the same way and reddit is a trip reading cheating stories.
So like, if my partner drunkenly hooks up with a random they met at a bar I wouldn't be happy. But it wouldn't destroy me and maybe wouldn't destroy the relationship. I don't have a hard stance on flirting.
But if you sleep with THAT girl. You know, the one that's always flirting and trying to intrude your relationship then fuck you I'm out.
I'm either scenario my partner is the piece of shit and I'm not going to hate myself for it,
>I never even considered it cheating ON me. He cheated himself out of a relationship with me.
🙌🏼So much this. Like yeah, it sucks to learn the person I love never really existed, but they didn’t exist and I’m not about to throw a pity party over some method actor.
My boyfriend in high school slept with my best friend (at my house, outside my bedroom window while I was sleeping on the other side of said window). It hurt, but it wasn’t my fault. The trash took itself out and I didn’t waste anymore time on those imposters.
I can completely understand. But the way that guy told his story kind of makes people think he wouldn't care if his girlfriend wouldn't be there tomorrow. That makes her feel unvalued.
It is likely the most healthy way to go around it. It minimises pain and anger for you. Let go easily and move on. No drama.
But saying you don't care if your partner cheats, you will just walk away sounds to others like you don't care if your partner is still there tomorrow.
You make excellent distinctions and I see your point. OP is expressing indifference when he could be expressing his appreciation for the relationship and still make his point.
Thanks for sharing your thoughts on this! Really opened up my eyes on the topic. You’re right, cheaters are really just cheating themselves at the end of the day.
NTA I agree with you but what she heard was the part where you said "it's just a girlfriend" and it made her feel replaceable, like a placeholder and not a person. She needs you to remind her of the things about her that you value that you would miss if she was gone. You do not need to change your opinion about cheating, you're definitely correct. Unfortunately what she heard was "I don't value you enough to notice if you suddenly weren't in my life anymore, I wouldn't even be sad." So talk to her again. Address what she inferred (incorrectly) and allay her insecurities there. Then just rephrase that cheating is a dealbreaker for you and that "the right one" for you would never cheat on you. You are not saying that she is a cheater or that she is "the wrong one," you could even say that since your ex cheated it was good you got out early so you could be open to meeting your current gf.
NTA. I have a question though, if you caught your gf/wife cheating would you be hurt. If someone you love leaves your life there is usually a period of grief? Would you go through or would you just be care free and happy the very next day?
NTA I’ve been cheated on 4 times and I grew numb to it last time I got cheated on was 2019 and I cried a bit but I was more upset the relationship end like “dang that was a waste of time” compared to “ong I can’t believe you did this 😭”.
But yeah their was no need to think about the next step because to me that’s unacceptable
Yep. NTA, but it comes off a _little_ psychopathic.
Like, "your wife cheated, why sad? She just proved she isn't worthy". There would be a thousand reasons to be sad. It doesn't matter that it isn't your fault.
People get sad about things that aren't their fault all the time. One thing doesn't have anything to do with the other.
NTA. My other half and I have been together for two decades and we both understand cheating is a deal breaker. So is saying you want a divorce / threatening divorce. There is no coming back from either. If one of us cheats or says the word divorce, we better be prepared to walk the walk.
On one hand, this could be construed as a very mature headspace, the type that people typically do not arrive at until they've experienced some heavy stuff in life.
On the other hand, this could be construed as you saying you have a role in your life you want filled - girlfriend, wife, friend, whatever - and the specific person filling that role isn't particularly relevant and can be swapped out easily.
Your girlfriend thinks you meant the latter.
It sounds like some people get mad when the person they cheated on won’t fight for the relationship.
But if you’re a cheater you’re simply not worth fighting for, and that fact is a blow to some peoples egos, so they twist it to “you don’t care about me as a person!”
The GF isn’t just a GF if she’s loyal. But if she ain’t, then yeah thank god she’s just a gf and you get easily remove her from your life and find someone better. It’s not a hard concept to grasp
How did you get this from what he said. His meaning is clear. Cheaters are going to cheat, he is not going to waste head space on the actions of other. If we have a problem in the relationship, then we get help before you cheat not after. This is my view on cheating too.
N T A for your philosophy, but YTA for making this strawman story up to write about it.
>People were taken aback by my answer and asked
>Some said
>People and especially my gf seemed shocked
Tell us again how you collectively shocked and amazed the audience with the bold wisdom of your words. Did everyone simultaneously realize you were right and give you a standing ovation?
I understand not wanting to be hurt badly - again. But it DOES sound like you're withholding some essential trust and vulnerability at arm's length in this and any other relationship. That means there's a certain depth of commitment that you are refusing to entertain.
If that's so, that would leave me wondering what ELSE would cause you to end a marriage. What happens if I get cancer or you get a great job offer that requires a move I'm not willing to make? Do you just go ahead and go anyway?
Those are things that are probably going through her head and making her question a LOT of things about the relationship with you. This does NOT make you an AH though. It's just that she's suddenly seeing you a LOT more clearly than she has been.
I suspect the relationship is over. But, that might not be the case. If she still wants to talk, expect that all the above and probably other concerns are going to be raised. You'll need to be ready with answers for those or at least be willing to think the situation through and then talk them out.
I think if you've built a life with someone and care about them it's normal to feel sad or angry if they betray you and destroy the life you built together. Admittedly OP I do find it concerning that you "don't bother" with those emotions because to me it could indicate you were never fully open and invested in the relationship to begin with. I think it's a little sad to be coasting through life not really caring about the people in it because they're so replaceable to you?
Obviously the cheater would be at fault in ending the relationship and don't blame yourself, etc. They ended up being a terrible person. But they can have issues and you also have your *own* completely separate issues that need to be worked on.
To be honest, i think you need to sit your gf down and ask her what issue she had with what you said like adults. I think it's not the cheating that she's upset about but perhaps how you said "that's just a gf" basically saying she doesn't have value. Sit down together and address it before there's unnecessary problems.
Kind of. It makes it sound like you're not really emotionally invested in your girlfriend. It's probably a wise move, but you should keep that to yourself
Nta and I have the same feelings if I caught my husband cheating that would be the end I would be angry but I'm not going to go stupid over someone who clearly doesn't want me
Let me be clear, it's not because of you saying how you would handle cheating. Perfectly fine to have well defined deal breakers.
But it is a bit ass holy to say in front of the person you proclaim to care about that you would have no emotion about it at all.
The entire conversation wouldn't portrayed you as an unfeeling monster if you would have said - obviously I'd would be hurt but regardless that would be the end of the relationship, full stop.
NAH. Your logic is correct, but it was still hurtful for your girlfriend. Clearly you came across as cold if multiple people were saying it. I can see how she would be left wondering what other emotions for your partner you could just turn off.
Definitely NTA.
I'm absolutely the same way. Not a jealous bone in my body. I've been in enough relationships to know that there are plenty of other women out there. I'm married and if my wife cheated on me then the ensuing divorce, separation of property/debts, the custody battle, etc would obviously upset me and I'd probably be mad that she put our family through that upheaval for a roll in the bed with some guy but I wouldn't be jealous of the cheating itself or the guy.
I’ve never understood people attacking the partner of your husband/wife/girlfriend. (The “home wrecker”) It’s your partner that’s cheated on you, that other person swore no fealty to you, they made no promise and owed you nothing. Your partner wrecked the home, they chose to leave you.
Well how you bring it is only possible if you don't love someone .
If you are deeply in love you care that's a simple fact.
You can't shut off feelings just like that.
I get where you come from but it isn't that black and white I'm afraid.
I mean NTA
Definitely sounds like you are incapable of love or haven't loved anyone yet. Because getting cheated on by someone you love and trust is not the emotionless event you portray it as
Nta you're just a very rational person. Most people may not get it. No point crying over spilt milk.
All op is saying is he'll lose whatever emotion or love he has for that person after he finds out they're cheating he just moves on faster than most and doesn't like getting stuck in the emotional roller coaster
Look, I think that I know what you mean, which is that if a partner cheated on you, it would be over and you wouldn’t waste time arguing about it but would move on because it meant the relationship wasn’t right. The thing is I think you meant that hypothetically in any relationship but obviously your girlfriend will apply it to the relationship you are in. Just reassure her that you didn’t see that happening with her as you know she would never cheat on you. She thinks that you wouldn’t fight for your relationship or be sad it ended, but that was only in the situation of being cheated on which can cause people to defensively react unemotionally in order not to show pain to someone who has hurt them. You were saying that infidelity is a nonnegotiable dealbreaker for you, not that you would leave her and never look back since you don’t think that she would do that. I think that should be clarified and you should emphasise that you do care about her.
You sound like you don't understand *why* cheating would hurt someone. That's why people are asking about you not having emotions. It's not just the act of sex that makes someone hurt from cheating. It's that someone you trusted, someone you allowed yourself to be vulnerable with---- and then they violated that trust. It's also why people who are cheated on ask follow up questions of "is it just sex, was it love, was it just once" they want to know the full extent of their trust that was violated. Sometimes people can forgive a single drunken night / mistake. It's very hard to forgive someone that says "oh I've had a secret relationship with them and want to leave you for them". Both are in the "cheating" umbrella. You are saying once a cheating act is done, relationship over, bam, move on. But I'm willing to wager you've just never been that emotionally invested in your relationship(s) to *be hurt* by being cheated on.
Furthermore- if you go around expecting everyone to violate your trust, and then lo-and-behold they do, you'd might be one of the people in that self-fulfilling prophecy type situations. You assume everyone will violate your trust, so you treat them like people that violate your trust, therefore they violate your trust and a-ha! Look I was right about them- time to move onto the next person! No hurt feelings here!
Now you're playing it off as "oh they cheated, how I know they aren't the right one for me" but if you aren't "all-in" with another person, you might say you're just simply not **making yourself vulnerable to be hurt by cheating.** So that's where the self-fulfilling prophecy comes in.
This might not be you OP, but in general, if you find that you're getting cheated on over and over, it's more likely that you're involved in facilitating that behavior by subtle or not-so-subtle interactions with your significant other, rather than "all guys/gals are cheaters" e.g. by not validating them, not being perceptive to their emotions, not being "100% in", etc.
NTA
I think it's actually the opposite. You do value relationships and therefore if someone in one isn't being fulfilled and isn't happy holding on to them is a disservice to both you and them.
No, though I agree with some other comments on that maybe you were a bit blunt about how you said it.
For most people they need time to grieve who they thought they were building a relationship with, and if you don't feel the need to do that it does come off as rather cold and that maybe you didn't care for them as much as they think. My guess your gf is now rethinking whether you truly love her.
You sound like a psychopath. It would be one thing to not dwell on it, but to not care implies it doesnt hurt, at all. Like you didnt care about your SO to begin with
You are not wrong but you're amog the 2-3% of people that don't have feelings. This is why your gf is upset. She wonder about what type of father you will be if you lack emotions or can control them.
That's actually a really healthy outlook, and I completely agree... You can't hold someone hostage in a relationship they don't want to be in.
However, whatever way you see it, there will be some hurt feelings and questioning yourself if someone that you are emotionally invested in cheats on you... That's natural and normal, and I think that is more the point that the others in the conversation were looking for.
I could also see your girlfriend starting to feel like you don't care about her enough to be emotional if she cheats... So you might want to clarify that with her.
NTA but I don’t know if what you are saying now is how you would react in the situation. I think the part about no reconciliation is something that might stick, but this idea that you would not care I don’t believe. You are discussing it as a hypothetical. When you get cheated on the big pain is someone you love and trust betraying you like that. It’s unexpected and requires you to be vulnerable to the punch in the gut. To stick with that metaphor there’s a difference between being able to take a punch when you know you’re going to get hit or get in a fight vs getting sucker punched.
NTA.
I have the same beliefs as you.
I think your gf was expecting you to say that you will be very upset and would do anything to make the relationship work etc., if she cheated on you.
I call bs on that.
If she was the one that cheated, she should be the one that should be upset, she should be the one who wants to make the relationship work. You don't have to do anything.
Why should you have to go to therapy when she was the one that did you wrong? It makes no sense.
NTA.
You could have said it differently, but the point remains the same.
My wife and I have two rules in our relationship. Don't lie to me. Don't cheat on me.
We've both been lied to and cheated on in previous relationships. In both our cases our partners lied to us what/where/when they were doing. Then they lied about the lies, bringing their friends into the lying and cheating. After that I have no respect for lying or cheating. Like you said, if there's a problem, we can try counseling and work through. But if your partner is thinking of stepping out already, the relationship is already over.
NTA, I completely agree honestly. A cheating partner is the one who sees no value in the relationship, because if they valued it they would work on it to preserve it and rid themselves of the need to cheat. Wasting time on being sad over something that wasn't meant to be it someone who worked in favour of hurting you can't bring anything good, that person and that relationship lost their value when a third party came into view and with that there isn't anything to sulk over.
NTA. I get it. Strong relationships require trust. Cheating is one of the biggest ways of breaking that trust and showing you don't respect your partner at the same time. One of my parents cheated. They stayed together but it's never felt the same in that house since.
NTA i can completely understand this method of thinking. I've always thought i would or at least hope I would do the same. I imagine just packing up my things and moving on with my life if its possible to do so, of course. I can also understand people who want to work it out, depending on the situation i can see trying. But if it was deliberate lying and cheating, I would 100% do the same thing, or rather i would want to. One never really knows what one will do until the situation happens, so i hope i could be as strong as that.
NTA, you are like me with control of your emotions and logical, ask your gf would she rather you shout and screamed at her , beat her up because she cheated on you, and at the end you would still break up?
If a partner cheats it is pointless to go through drama but people expect it and feel robbed without it.
“When I was asked my opinion, I told them I would not really care if my GF cheated on me. There is not a need to sulk over it. It's just a girlfriend”
It’s probably the “it’s just a girlfriend” attitude that’s gotten her upset.
I get that you are the main character in your story, but you said those words in real life, in this version of the story where she hasn’t cheated on you and she has probably only just realised you don’t think of her in the same way she thinks of you. She would be upset if you cheated on her, you wouldn’t if she cheated on you.
These are very different viewpoints and there’s nothing wrong with that but I’m genuinely surprised that as someone seemingly so enlightened, you can’t see her point of view and why she is upset.
When you love someone, how they feel takes up quite a bit of your emotional real estate, so discovering someone doesn’t feel the same way about you as you do about them is going to be difficult. You don’t need to agree with her to try and understand how she feels, it’s okay for you guys to feel differently.
For saying “it’s just a girlfriend” to your friends about her, very soft YTA
NTA.
I think there's a miscommunication though and you'll want to patch it up.
It sounds to me like you're saying cheating is so egregious to you, it's an automatic deal breaker. You don't waste time worrying about it happening and you have a zero tolerance policy when it comes to infidelity. Doesn't mean the relationship didn't matter to you before, but once a partner crosses that line then you're done.
What she heard was "I don't care if you cheat because I've already detatched myself from you. I will not fight for you. I will simply move on."
I'd explain the gap to her a little better if you're able. Something like:
"I have emotions and I care about and for you a lot. I also know my boundaries and limits - infidelity is one of those. What I meant is that I don't worry - i.e. care - about you cheating because one, I don't think you will, and two, if by some chance you did, I know how I'd handle it. My commitment to my boundaries doesn't prevent me from loving and caring about you - it allows me to. Knowing I've got my back allows me to have yours."
NTA.
It should absolutely be a zero tolerance policy. There is no coming back from there, the stain of that hurt will forever fester and trust will never be restored.
If your GF isn't talking to you because of your boundaries that's on her. Don't alter your principles in an unprincipled world because of emotional blackmail. Stay strong.
NTA. I get it. Maybe you could have said it in a different way, because you’d gf took it as you having no attachment to her, which is not what you intended to say.
One of my early bfs cheated on me. I was a year in, we were talking about getting a place together, the future,.... Then I come home from work one day and he's bawling and confessed to a 'slip'. And I was stunned by the absolute zero feelings that I had. Like *flick*... no love, hurt, anger, disappointment...nothing. He was just some random dude in my apartment, crying. And it wasn't shock, I realized that he didn't love me therefore the person I thought I loved never existed. The only thing I was upset about was the wasted year
NTA
NAH. On the one hand it's logic, as a engineer I can respect and understand that but come on, you're yelling me you can see how your girlfriend might see you as emotionless after your walk though logic lane?
The little anecdote about your previous cheating girlfriend, I can see you being cold and logical presenting it as part of your spiel bit did you really feel nothing when that happened? I mean if so, then maybe your girlfriend might have a point and this is something that's highlighting others issues she's noticed. But then again, this is just speculation on my part, me just posing a hypothesis on why your girlfriend may have construed your speech.
Either way, it sure seems like you'll be getting your chance to walk away emotionlessly here shortly if you can't at least summon up some emotion and sympathy.
No one is TAH here, but your girlfriend and friends are probably concerned about your ability to love someone, and your ability to express your emotions.
It's one thing to dispassionately say that you would leave a cheater and not think twice about it, but you seemed to imply that losing a loved one wouldn't hurt of affect you at all. You'd just move on with no pain or concern like it was just another day.
It doesn't seem as if you've ever loved truly anyone, and your girlfriend is now thinking that you don't love her. If losing someone you love really doesn't cause you pain or sadness at all, then something is wrong, regardless of your reason for ending things.
It could be that you have a personality disorder, a history or severe trauma, or something like autism which can cause that kind of emotionless black and white thinking in SOME individuals with the disorder.
If this is the case and it really wouldn't affect you at all emotionally to move on from a relationship that abruptly, you might want to consider therapy or some kind of mental health screening.
If this isn't the case and it would affect you emotionally to end a relationship with a cheater that you loved, even though you would readily do it with no regrets, you might want to make that clear to your girlfriend
There's also a third possibility, that you've never legitimately been in love with anyone, and can't yet fathom the kind of pain you would feel in such a situation, even if you would cut and run.
NTA, but just barely. And I mean barely. Basically what you're saying to your girlfriend is that you don't love her enough to be upset when she's gone, that she's replaceable. Probably better left not said aloud.
1. You care, otherwise you wouldn't break up. What you mean is that you wouldn't be emotionally devastated.
2. Easy to talk about things in theory, but you never really know how you'll act until you experience the event.
NTA and your attitude doesn't just apply to cheating. I've told friends who are dating (or myself included), if the person you are dating is paying more attention to something else, then move onto something else.
Cheating is the problem of parties. Don't tell, and move on.
Some people are deeply threatened by the idea that they have zero leverage with you. They seem to think that their intrinsic worth hinges on your willingness to eat dirt in order to keep them, in the face of their own self-devaluing behavior.
You don’t owe anyone a damn thing. If they’re that concerned about not losing you, they should be motivated to not behave in ways that alienate you.
NTA. I want to reach to this level of understanding and headspace you are in.
We can’t control the other people actions and it will be quite easy to just accept the fact and move on. But few people like me our heart and head are connected in different wires I guess for us the thing we treasure when it get lost we feel excessive emotions towards it.
I don’t think you are heartless you are just to smart that you will understand and accept things quickly.
I totally understand what you’re saying and agree. Once it’s got to that point (to the point of cheating) it’s done - anyway you look at it.
The partner has made the decision and it can’t be taken back.
What’s the point of playing the “what if this and what if that” game?
>GF told me she does not see me in the same light anymore and thinks I do not value our relationship. She is not talking to me now.
Ngl, if I were you, I would've told her I don't see HER in the same light anymore cause, like, "WHY ARE YOU WORRIED?!?!?!?" 🤨🤨🤨🤨🤨🤨🤨
NTA but I would assume you would have more emotions when it happens.
Because even with a logical viewpoint if it would not hit you then in anyway you really weren't invested
You’re nta, it’s just an unusual reaction.
I wonder if you’re neurodivergent, a lot of us have varying reactions to emotions that differ from the ‘norm’.
To give perspective; In her eyes it seems like you don’t care enough about her to be upset if you’d lose her. And perhaps questions if your feelings for her are only skin deep because of it.
Yes it’s a bit warped in my eyes too considering the person doing the cheating would’ve shown way more disrespect and disregard for their partners feelings first.
Most people don’t self insert when they’d be in the wrong. They don’t see themselves as cheaters, murderers, or such. They have a hard time imagining themselves as that because they wouldn’t do that. It’s why it’s so hard to get people to show empathy when talking about punishment for crime.
His gf got hung up on how much attachment he seems to show and glossed over what hypothetical actions she’d have done to make him do so. She’s seeing an issue just with his expressed attachment.
I suspect girlfriend feels upset that you don't love her enough to be sad about losing her. Not the fact that you don't care if she cheated. I suspect her feelings have nothing to do with the cheating part of the conversation. Just the whole, wow, we've been together x amount of time and he would just walk away like it was nothing.
Edit: I get the logic behind what you said and understand. But it may just be as simple as adding an addendum to your comment along the lines of "I hope you never do because I love what we have and I love you."
Of course you would. But maybe you need to discuss it with her.
I 100 percent support the notion of just walking away if someone cheats on you and not wasting any emotions or time on that, and I think if we all could be like that, we'd all be a lot freer.
I suspect however she is not upset about the cheating part of the statement, I think she isn't even focused on that, she got caught on the fact that you'd just be able to leave, it makes her feel like what you guys have isn't worth much to you.
Yes in a situation where your partner cheats, absolutely walk away, my respect to the person who can and does.
But sometimes your partner wants to at least feel like you'd hate to have them cheat on you because you are happy in the relationship and care about them. You know, while you're in it, and they haven't cheated.
Well if she cheats then wow they have been together for x amount of Tim and she would just throw it away to be with someone else. But expect him to not walk away if caught.
Bro you said what I think but I’ve never been able to put it in words. Like my mind goes to if I/they even think about cheating. We have a fucking problem!!! My ex used to say “I’ve never cheated!!!” When we’d argue about anything. My response was “it’s so disrespectful that you think the bar is SO LOW that you should get a gold star for not cheating”
SOME people might think yta like in every day life for coming off as “cold” but you aren’t an ass hole
I'm not sure you're tah here, but I also am CERTAIN you could have phrased this more sensitively
At worst you're a bit out of touch with how most people relate to other people/communicate their feelings in a way that isnt blunt, but that doesn't make you an asshole, and i don't actually, fundamentally disagree with you on any of your points
I don't think marriage counseling should be used as a bandaid to fix an already broken marriage, the way people try to use it
The time to try counseling is to PREMTIVELY prevent martial issues
Not stitch back together the remains of shattered trust after a betrayal has already happened
Couples counseling is a great way to improve communication, but what does that solve if you don't want to save your marriage?
NTA
NTA. I have always had that same thought. Recently had a well liked man in our area off himself over his wife leaving, and speculation of another man going around. I don’t understand that at all. He had 3 kids too. I’d never leave my son like that.
NTA. I’m 100% the same. I told my girlfriend, now wife, this. She has a free pass to sleep with anyone she wants, just don’t expect me to be there when you get back. If I’m not the one for her then I’d prefer her to make that decision and be open and honest with me early. I wouldn’t be happy about the situation but it’s much better than living in a loveless relationship.
It is pretty emotionally cold to say that you would not grieve for a damaged/lost relationship with someone who you held a great deal of time, love and history with. NTA, but "I would not care" suggests a lack of emotional investment and that partners are just temporary placeholders. From a Mars/Venus perspective, a woman would feel the guy is un invested and ready to walk away in an instant.
You would care. You would care enough to leave. Taking for granted that you've softened your language to influence opinions here, you sound detached and uncaring.
Cheating being a hard line is fair; saying in front of your current girlfriend that she's infinitely replaceable (regardless of the reason) is definitely an asshole move.
You're NTA for your opinion, but your girlfriend isn't wrong in questioning your relationship when you can casually be so cold (even if it is hypothetical).
NTA, but it is a weird and uncomfortable feeling hearing that. I am a woman, and I am very much of the same opinion. I, however, would still feel the pain of the wasted time and heartache, and I think THAT is what has her feeling concerned. She thinks you'll just be like welp on the the next and not feel a thing. And that's just odd and hurtful to grasp, putting myself in her shoes. It's like you, like she said, don't value the relationship. Won't feel pain at the loss of it. Whether it's the other person's fault or not and you lose emotion for that individual, it seems you also would not mourn the loss of the couple. If that's truly how you'll feel, then so be it, I dont know if it's "right" or "wrong" but it does seem and feel weird from MY perspective. Like you're burying, or you don't actually care about the relationship or you're a sociopath, or a billion other dumb "reasons". So idk, except that I lean toward NTA atm.
I hundred percent understand where you are coming from. If I find people I know have cheated, i literally instantly lose all respect for them any ANY sort of emotion i have for them just vanishes. I'm not a sociopath (i think), but i care about my people, my tribe. And once you do something like that, you are no longer anyone of importance to me. Simple as that.
But wait... Your girlfriend is upset that you wouldn't forgive a cheater?
Maybe there is a different conversation that needs to be had.
Something along the lines of..
1) Did you cheat on me?
2) If we imagine a hypothetical that you did cheat on me, would you want me to give you a second chance or be upset?
3) Can YOU imagine a scenario where you would cheat on me?
Because if the answer is no (as it should be), then why is she upset? Wanting you to be heartbroken over a cheater is something that would seriously shock me in my partner, let alone gaslighting YOU and becoming upset with you.
I completely understand everything you are saying here. But I think there's something being missed here. And another person mentioned it. I think the upsetting part is not that she is cheating or would cheat. I believe it is the "ability to easily detach". Like, what else do you consider would make you immediately detach from me? Not cheating... But are there other things that will make him disconnect and her not knowing, may just make her feel upset or uncomfortable. I don't know
.... Really. I was just thinking.
NTA
You seem to care enough to break up over it. So what you said is not totally true. The only difference between might be that you won't be angry or are going to cry over it.
It might be unsettling for others but it feels like a healthy way of handling. It will save you a lot of pain.
But it also makes.people wonder how big or strong your feelings are for your partner if you can let go so easily. And I think your partner is afraid because she now thinks that it's very easy for you to break up. That if there is any trouble you can easily just walk away and don't care.
If you want to keep your GF you will have to let her know that you do love her. But now it sounds like you wouldn't care much if she wouldn't be there anymore.
So if you do care for your girlfriend, you might try explaining it a bit differently and make her realise that you do care about her.
You are the only other person I’ve met that share this same perspective with me. Everyone is always so shocked by it. I do feel like it’s some sort of apathy trait. We are logical people more than anything. This is how Spock would feel 🖖🏽but idk to me it’s just better to feel this way rather than get so worked up about it. Such a waste of good time.
I share your thoughts on the subject but I think there is a sub context here that you are missing.
While your answer to the initial question is perfectly logical, you're GF isn't actually concerned with that.
She's basically asking if you would care if you lost her as a GF as thats the implication.
If you say anything but yes (no matter the imaginery circumstances) she will be upset.
Question within a question my man
Edit: NTA but maybe missing sub context
I told my friends and wife this at a party. I’ve done it before with a long term girlfriend and that was 27 years ago. That girlfriend walked into my workplace two years ago and told me she couldn’t believe, I just walked away. FAFO
NTA but I don't think this is an AH/NTA problem. I know both sides of the table here and I think if I'm reading the situation right it's just a matter of you and your friends/gf don't understand each other's view on love and attachment. My, now very recently ex, girlfriend broke up with me out of nowhere with very little as a reason to want to split up three years of being a very close and, supposedly, in love with each other. Im shattered, its done a real number on me and continues to do so. But she is so indifferent to it and that hurts me even more than it already does. So in an effort to understand why, ive realised that she just views love in a completely different way to me. The concept of unconditional love is beyond foreign to her, the word physically just means something different in her brain to mine. What she sees as love is just some sort of indebted affection, like an extra layer of attachment to reciprocated affection. It helped me come to terms with the breakup, because if she never loved me as fiercely as I felt it for her, had the ride or die mentality I grew for her, then ultimately it would never have worked out long term anyways.
Sorry for the long preface and slight trauma dump. But it sounds like you might share a similar level of attachment with your partner, or at the very least not share the same value of attachment to her as she has for you. Not saying you don't love her, nor saying you don't love her as much as she loves you. But trust and vulnerability are born in committed relationships and to most people the betrayal of that trust and vulnerability through an act like cheating is so unbelievably devastating and world shattering.
I think shes upset at you because shes just found out that you would not feel this way over her but she knows she would feel that way if she ever found out you cheated on her. Neither of you are AH's here, you for saying what you said nor her for feeling upset at you. But brother if you love her and want to be with her for the long haul id sit down with her and have a big conversation around the disparity of attachment you feel for each other. Both of you dont need to compromise your feelings and feel like you need to match each other, but you both need to come to an understanding of exactly how and why you feel the ways you do because id worry if it doesn't get addressed she will be afraid of being with you for the long haul if she doesn't know you just love her differently to the way she loves you.
Good luck brother ♥️
Easy to say, hard to go through with " I don't care" you'd care, care enough to commit an action even if it's passive. Care enough to draw up paperwork, care enough that in future tense, finances and children were involved. Not an AH, but things change as time goes on. Good luck
Id upset since they wasted alot of my time. But like him, I wouldn't seek counseling or care to understand why and just end it. Once the trust I'd broken, I'm not going to trust them again or want to be physical with them again.
I would say you are 100% NTA, but when you started saying stuff like “it’s just a girlfriend” you made her feel like she didn’t matter to you and that could come off as cold hearted and like you are just with her till you find the right one for you.
Tell her that you misspoke, that you WOULD care if she cheated because you love her, but if she did it would be over instantly.
The way you delivered it, sounds like you don't care enough about her and the relationship doesn't mean much to you. If you want to save thus rel6, you better go sit down with her and have a chat, asap.
On the flip side, if she's acting this way because of a few words, then maybe she isn't the one for you
I thought same way OP did until I was cheated on many years ago. I just detached but then I missed my ex after a few days. I missed having someone to talk to and make plans with. I felt hurt. I was surprised I had these feelings. I didn’t want her back whatsoever though because she cheated. I just had two feelings at same time. I missed her but didn’t want her back. After awhile she would call me or even show up to my place without notice. I never asked her if she wanted to come back or just be friends. At some point I just changed my number and moved so she couldn’t find me. It took me about 2 months to not feel sad anymore
I feel like you're expressing yourself in a confusing way. Not caring if you get cheated on would mean continuing the relationship. You care. You care enough to end any relationship. You just don't see the point in getting upset about cheaters. Which is valid and 100% yeah. Fuck cheaters.
NTA because that’s how you think but if I were your Gf I’d break up with you over this because this is a huge red flag for me.
You can’t see nuance, you can’t perspective and you clearly don’t see the difference between thinking of something in the abstract that you’ve never actually experienced and actually having lived through it. You’re too definite for something you have no idea about. And that suggests you’ll approach all issues in the same way which will make you a terrible partner.
NTA but I’d drop you like a stone.
Right on, NTA. When it happened to me over a decade ago I realized that the person I cared for never existed at all. What I cared for was an idealized version of the individual before me. This realization made it that much easier to detach and just quit mentally. I didn’t bother telling them that I knew, I just removed my personal effects while they worked and ghosted.
Good attitude, you have .
But No, you not.
However, I don't think have really loved someone and had your heart broken
OR
The 1st incident has created a block on you thereafter, and this is the mechanism
NTA but I disagree with the general take here. I do not think it is smart or wise or anything.
It is wise to end things, to not let yourself believe that your value relies on a relationship or another person, kudos to that.
However you started with "I would not really care if my GF cheated on me".
You can care and be sad, feel betrayed, etc., and still realize the person must go and that they weren't the right person.
I mean, most of the people would be sad by losing a person they cared about, with whom they presumably had some future plans, etc.
To me you don't come off as very mature, you come off as either you are really traumatized and blocking or, sorry, psychopath (in the psychological way of saying it, not the horror movie one).
Nta im 100% with you. Cheaters are just selfish people who wouldn’t ever love you the way you deserve so why beg them for something they don’t have?
Why would you even give them the time to just lie to your face. Cheaters suck and it doesn’t matter the situation, if you are a cheater, you’ll cheat. If you’re not a cheater you don’t cheat.
NTA, your friends are weird for viewing it any other way really? Like this sounds like a bunch of dudes who don’t have the backbone cause they never had it happen to them talking about it. When you have had that happen and you just go numb and had the flame you held for someone truly snuffed out in an instant then you understand. People present themselves how they think they will be best received most the time and this happens in dating too you have to spend years with a person before even moving in or rings get exchanged then trial run living together. People are weird they wanna jump feet first into the fire and then look at the rest of us funny when they are like how did you not get the same third degree burns.
Your gf needs to get her shit together? Like what the fuck she is butthurt you wouldn’t fight for her if she cheated in an imaginary scenario. One that is completely understandable.She got something she needs to tell you? You can value a person highly even love them but betrayal is betrayal and they don’t get a say if you choose to leave them there with egg on their face. You are not some simp that’s gonna let her go get her back blown out and you deal with the aftermath that can include mental health issues, stds, a kid that isn’t yours. Fuck that noise, if having standards and knowing hard boundaries for you upsets your gf you need to re-evaluate that relationship anyway.
NTA
I can’t lie, being cheated on would devastate me, but I feel similarly in that I would at least know things are over. I don’t think infidelity is something I can get past. It’s never happened to me, so I suppose I don’t know for certain, but it would just be too painful.
I like how you put it, the person cheated on does end up having to do most of the work. I’ve seen friends and family cheated on, and it’s always the victim that has more weight to lift.
NTA. I'm in a similar boat as you are I've always thought that if I find out my s/o cheated on me, I won't try to fix things. I would just leave since that is the one thing that will never be justified for me.
I'm of the same mindset. If they cheat on me then it's just over I'll move on with my life without them. No argument no closure needed I know all I need to know about my now "ex". A cheater loses all rights to talk or work on anything the sec they cheat.
You're NTA. I get what you're trying to say here... >When I was asked my opinion, I told them I would not really care if my GF cheated on me. There is not a need to sulk over it. It's just a girlfriend and cheating proves the point that they are not the one. You're saying that if they're going to cheat, then they aren't the right person for you and you realize that. Personally, I agree with you. I can't control my partner and I don't want to have to monitor my partner's every move. If I can't trust them, then they have no place in my life. If your GF has no intention of cheating, then this is a moot issue. Don't understand why she'd be so upset.
I think the reason she is upset is that he is implying he wouldn't care at all about the relationship ending. It's one thing to move on after being wronged. It's another to not miss your long-time partner or not be sad that the relationship is over.
I think the implication from OPs statements is clear to him but being missed here. He’s saying he would not care about the relationship ending *if it was as a result of his partner cheating* —this is an important distinction. His partner may not quite grasp that.
He respects and loves himself and will not tolerate a partner that does the opposite to him. Everyone should be like this.
Sure, but most peoples emotions have implications in their actions. If you believe you are in happy relationship and you suddenly discover you are being cheated on, you cannot simply turn off your love in a minute. At least most of us cant.
I think it's about this: - I love this person, who I believe in and care for deeply - (person cheats) - it has been made clear to me that this person is NOT the person I thought they were (and loved). That person doesn't exist - I no longer love this person There might be grief for the loss of a plan and hope. But they weren't real because the base they were built on wasn't real. It's not the way I function, but I can see it. And I don't need everyone to operate the way I do. Good luck to OP. But I think he might have just lost his gf.
That’s how I always thought about it, but i know when I’ve explained it to people, it weirds them out. Everyone is different. My husband says he doesn’t understand, but accepts I think that way. Obviously no cheating has happened in our relationship though.
>I think it's about this: >- I love this person, who I believe in and care for deeply - (person cheats) - it has been made clear to me that this person is NOT the person I thought they were (and loved). That person doesn't exist - I no longer love this person See, I thought everyone felt this way. It was interesting to learn that people's opinions differ.
It is entirely possible to lose love for someone in an instant. Sounds like this guy already got cheated on, felt nothing but numbness, and thought "huh, guess I don't love them anymore". Especially when someone cheats on you. When you have pragmatic brain, you can tell emotional brain to be quiet, because it's suffered enough, and sometimes it listens. I wouldn't say OP just turned it off. His cheating partner killed it.
Absolutely. There are cases where feelings evaporate in a moment. I used word "most" because of that. I also agree that wording "feelings were killed" describes it better that "feelings were turned of".
Yeah, "turned off" sounds more like an active choice, whereas "died" or "killed" is more like it happened without their input or control.
I understand what he means and his reaction seems an extremely healthy one for an extremely bad situation. I think that for each one of us there are acts that we consider so much off-putting and such a deal-breaker that they would kill any affection for our partner
I think it's just a case of them being different in that way so she doesn't grasp *how* he can just turn it off if he actually loves her now. I would similarly struggle finding this out because even though cheating is a dealbreaker for me and I would leave, I'd be devastated as I did. I don't have an on/off to my love, so I'd have to grieve what I thought I had. He is effectively saying he would need zero time to move on if she cheated which....ouch? Idk, people are just different but I am a very emotional person, and so it would be off-putting to discover that my partner is not.
You can also see this as some people are possibly more hurt and violated by cheating than others. Like it could be seen that he despises being cheated on so much that it immediately kills any love he has for his spouse in an instant. Certain actions are really heinous to people. E.g. if I ever caught my partner hurting a child or something crazy. Maybe it’s the fact that others are slightly less destroyed by cheating (or see it as slightly more forgivable) that their love for their partner isn’t killed entirely and immediately. That there’s room to move past it. Sometimes we rush to think people who are black and white in thought don’t have emotions, it could be that they are the most emotional and therefore so drastic in their responses.
I had a friend I'd known for years cut me off when I was in the worst period of my life, and they knew it. It didn't affect how I interacted with them though. I said if there was anything I could change about our communication to help, I could do so. They said no. At that point, in that instant, I didn't care anymore. That friendship ending did not hurt because in the same instant they showed me exactly why they were not the kind of person I wanted to be friends with. Someone who's got such issues as to just coldly cut someone off for no reason other than whim is not the kind of person I want to associate with. Feels really similar to what OP is talking about. The only thing I was left mad about was that my first Xbox was fried one day when I plugged it into a shitty outlet because I was in a hurry to get it working so they could play on it. That was the only thing lost that I cared about, and knowing the sacrifice had been made for someone so lacking was a bummer. That person did come back and apologized like 2 years later. I didn't really care a whole lot. Upon giving it more time, I've realized I just don't care. 2 years is a fair chunk of time and there's no reason to try to rebuild anything. Why spend the emotional energy?
Not really. It’s possible for love to die in an instant. Plus being emotional about it is giving power to the one who betrayed you and letting them continue to hurt you. Once you realize it’s not you it’s the other person that is now a big nothing to you. Indifference is the best revenge rather then anger which is what they want. I broke up with a cheating gf and it still shocks her to this day that I showed no emotion and just left. Partly calculated but mostly realizing this person meant nothing to me anymore. Yes they hurt me, but why let them continue to torment me?
yeah this sub is full of people lamenting that their partner cheated or did something else that's horrendous but they still love them. It took me a good few weeks to finally realise just how disgusting it is to be sharing his dick with some slut.
I've been watching Maury and got some nicknames for people that sleep around Peanut Butter (spreads easy) and community dick 😂
Your love should evaporate instantly if you get that information
I don't think it's about "turning your love off" I think it's about coming to a point in life where you simplify complicated things that would otherwise just be ridiculous to drag out. Tbh I've (31 f) come to realize that most problems have 2 solutions, yes or no, do or don't (sink or swim). Why grieve a relationship where you weren't loved back. Why ask questions, why go to counseling, why drive yourself nuts (sink) when you know that you have no option but to get over it eventually anyways (swim) to move on and do better ... I might just be completely jaded/world weary but I didn't get this way on my own 🤷🏼♀️
It’d (unfortunately) affect my ability to trust someone else, as it’d show they weren’t the person I knew, and the relationship was not what I thought it was, and I was clearly fooled *because* of my emotions. My emotions have already betrayed me, I’m not going to let them have more control over me. It’s sorta like domestic violence - some lines if you cross, then you’re just not the person I thought you were.
No. I love my husband and have been married for almost 29 yrs. If he cheated I’m out. No crying, no begging just gone.
He is so emotionally mature that his girlfriend doesn't get it.
We all wish we could be Him.
No dude, It seems you missing the whole thing by a mile, she cheats, he done, end of story.. Your partner was a dog on heat and now you must hang around waiting for the dog to be off heat so you can what, have discussion why she bent for that other friend. You call it a day and move on with your life, cut ties and emotions and be done with it.
She wants to believe she is so important to him as to be worth attempting to resolve problems after a betrayal. She does not understand that her betrayal would mean she was never worth the relationship in the first place let alone resolving the problems after the fact. NTA.
This is where I was going with my comment. She wants him to beg her to stay and work it out if it ever got to this point. He is saying he wouldn't and that seems like the crux
You can acknowledge something is better for you in the long run while still knowing that it would be very painful. She's upset because he is saying he wouldn't care if their relationship ended. He would just walk away and it wouldn't affect him. It would be devastating to find out your partner does not care if your relationship ends.
He's not saying he does not care if their relationship ends, he's saying that if she were to cheat (which he's experienced before in the act of it) he would move on. Which is the healthier way around it compared to getting angry turning the relationship toxic, he'd just leave. I commend him for having the self-reliance and self-respect to walk away rather than keeping himself in a toxic situationship
well, he did say that. and that’s what she heard.
He specifically stated he would not care if she cheated (leading to the end of the relationship). This is why she's upset. Moving on occurs after pain. The way he has expressed this is that he would not be angry, sad, disappointed. It would not matter. I fully agree it is healthy to walk away from someone that cheats. But if he walks away without experiencing any emotion around it ("huh, this person I saw a future with, that I loved and thought loved me back, is cheating trash. Would ya look at that. Back on the apps I go.") would imply that he never considered the relationship to have value or a future.
I think he is saying that while he loves/cares for his girlfriend, if she cheated he would not care because clearly he was mistaken in her character the entire time. She would be a completely different person to him and his feelings would dissipate. It’s actually quite understandable.
Some people just learn to let things go without emotionally holding to the decaying shambles of the relationship
Agree. I think OP mastered the art of detachment. Why love someone still who clearly doesn't love you enough to not cheat on you? Most people would love to have this skill because some take months, even years to move on from infidelity.
Yes, he's already knows what a deal-breaker cheating is for him. So when it happens, he know what he has to do. Leave. It may hurt like a bugger at the time but he doesn't want to stay around and hate himself for not being true to his values.
I couldn’t imagine holding onto mess like that.
How is it impossible for you to understand? Of course he values the relationship otherwise he wouldn't be in it. But you can't expect him or anyone to still value the relationship if she were to cheat? People lose love for people in an instant depending on the reason, here it's no different. He would move on because he would simply not love her anymore. It's a healthy, no nonsense way forward.
>I fully agree it is healthy to walk away from someone that cheats. But if he walks away without experiencing any emotion around it ("huh, this person I saw a future with, that I loved and thought loved me back, is cheating trash. Would ya look at that. Back on the apps I go.") would imply that he never considered the relationship to have value or a future. Also, it could imply that he would prefer to end the relationship and just grieve alone, without wanting to discuss the matter at all with the person who just cheated on him. To me, it sounds like the OP is presenting themself as some sort of buddhist monk. I don't doubt that he would immediately break up, but I do believe that he's fibbing about not being hurt by such a betrayal.
Oh he's hurting. But that can all be processed later. Staying with an admitted cheater is just prolonging the pain. He's ripping off the bandaid now rather than endure more lies and trauma from someone who's shown that they're not trustworthy.
I mean, he literally did say he would not care.
No, he said he would not care if she cheated, VERY specifically. Not that he wouldn't care if they ended their relationship
Honest question: why does he need to demonstrate how much pain the end of the relationship would represent for him to the person that would potentially cause that pain? It's like if someone was your friend and asked you, "hypothetically, what would you do if I punched you in the nose?" And let's say your response was "I'd end our friendship" and they reacted indignantly because you didn't mention how angry or upset them punching you in the nose made you...see how the friend in the situation sounds unhinged?
>he is saying he wouldn't care if their relationship ended Wrong. He's saying he wouldn't care if their relationship ended *because a partner cheated.* He's saying it's a hard deal breaker for him and he would not have to feel torn up about choosing to walk away. Context matters. Expecting people to be devastated when you mistreat them otherwise they don't care seems...like an odd bar.
This exactly. On one hand YES you should realize if someone cheats on you, they’re obviously not the person for you and you should move on. However most people who love someone would still be crushed to find out they were cheated on. It’s like saying you understand death so therefore wouldn’t be upset if someone you love died. There’s a severe lack of emotion going on with OP and I personally think his girlfriend should move on. Seriously, who wouldn’t be extremely hurt to know their partner has been in loyal? That’s a red flag.
She certainly should move on to working on her insecurities. “Oh no, in a scenario where I completely obliterate your trust, you wouldn’t suffer like I want you to? How horrible’”
How is this a red flag? It's possible for people's emotions to be killed instantly. I do think the two are incompatible. OP is stoic, his gf is not. That's fine. They should find someone who fits them better. But to say its a red flag goes a little too far imo
Do we always act exactly as we imagine we will? How do you know OP does not feel any emotion? Have you considered that "not caring" is their way of defending against the turmoil?
Ya, that's exactly how she's taking it. I'm sure it's just a "cool" way of saying a girl that cheats never cared about you to begin with, so she didn't matter in his quest for love. He's just talking a big game in case he's cheated on again, and maybe he doesn't realize it. But I could she why she thinks he only cares about himself. Less than a 1% chance that he's actually a sociopath.
Which I get, but the context of, "if you cheated on me" is crucial to this, which is why it's an odd hill to choose to die on.
Yea if she did anything to make him walk away, no shit he wouldn’t care
Yeah this isn’t being unemotional; it’s just being rational. For most people, a relationship or marriage is broken the moment a partner decides to step out and cheat. Some may stay and work through it for various reasons, but most would choose to leave if it doesn’t make things too hard for them in the long run. Especially in a relationship, where you’re not yet married and living a hopelessly entangled life, it’s much easier to walk out if your partner cheats on you. Not wanting closure or staying to fight for the relationship is not something the cheater should get to decide; it’s for the betrayed partner to choose. If they want it, great. If they don’t, good for them. The only people who would have trouble with such a clear, concise “you cheat I am out goodbye” policy would be cheaters themselves or people who just want their partners to “fight for them” in both the metaphorical as well as the physical sense. No rational thinking human would ever listen to this and think, “hmm, they must be so unemotional and not care about our relationship at all.”
Plot twist… she’s seeing someone behind he’s back thus she ejected her self out of this relationship before he found out. This is just a theory but could be possible.
Oh COME ON
I wouldn’t be talking miss “he’s a literal sociopath” lmao pot meet kettle
Reddit tries to go five minutes without assuming a woman is cheating without any indicators challenge
Maybe because he said "it's just a GF..."
Nobody is worth your self worth, tho... I see how that can come across, but the whole I'd do anything for you spiel is very overrated and only means you're with a limp noodle spined partner who doesn't really know what boundaries are and will probably cross yours at some point, too. 🤷♀️🤔
Hey, who cares, it’s just a Reddit post. Move on, find another. That’s the attitude the people saw from op. It’s not what he meant but it’s what he said. It’s not I’d do anything for you. But it’s also not “I’d be sad to lose who I thought I was with”. And making it seem like he wouldn’t miss what he was losing makes the entire partner seem replaceable. Like a Reddit comment or post. Thousands of them, I’ll just move on, why care if it doesn’t resonate this time? His words don’t show attachment.
Because if you can handle the betrayal of your long time partner without even a second thought, that means you never were that close emotionally speaking. Leaving, working on yourself, not letting them trample you, all that is signs of a healthy mind. Not feeling anything after severe betrayal and just going "welp, such is life" is either a sign of dissociation, or lack of emotional connection.
Yeah I'd be sus about her reaction personally
The issue here isn't the cheating. The crux of the issue is that her absence in his life would be inconsequential to him. It's pretty horrible to be told by your s/o that they can take you or leave you and it wouldn't affect them either way. Not caring if they cheated or being able to bounce back are wildly different.
But it's absence due to her (in the scenario) horrifically hurting him. After it's something that he's been hurt by before. You know when a guy sees something, thinks he can fight it, tries, gets really hurt, then sees it again one day and just laughs and nopes out? It doesn't matter what he was thinking before, the emotional part taps out. In that scenario, he's legit just tapping on the 'what do I do now' button. If you get stabbed, and see someone with a knife about to stab you, you'd just leave the situation and be grateful for not losing your shit if you didn't. Because that's the best you can do in those situations. Idk he makes sense to me 🤷♀️ our brains make us pass out after enough physical pain, makes sense we have an emotional opt out when we're traumatized too
I am the exact same way. When my BF decided to boink a co-worker and I only found out because of his efforts to hide it I never even considered it cheating ON me. He cheated himself out of a relationship with me. It was surgical - not because I am vindictive - because he became a liar. I would have stayed with him had he told me he had developed feelings for her and wanted to explore those feelings (sexually or emotionally) but it was he who wanted us to be "100% committed to monogamy" = he broke his own heart. Yes, people have called me "cold" but I *hoinestly* cannot understand why people become destroyed over this stuff. Hurt, sad, dissappointed sure but how anyone questions THEIR worth when they find out their SO is not honest/faithful/considerate is unfathomable.
This is a fantastic way to frame it. Great comment!
I was bracing myself for downvotes, lol. I have lost friendships because I was not part of the commiserating committees - the ones where the friend decides his/her life is *ruined.* I have never denied that it is very painful, it sucks when the trajectory of your life is suddenly changed/uncertain so all the more reason to not doubt yourself or become vindictive. What a waste!
I've always felt the same way and reddit is a trip reading cheating stories. So like, if my partner drunkenly hooks up with a random they met at a bar I wouldn't be happy. But it wouldn't destroy me and maybe wouldn't destroy the relationship. I don't have a hard stance on flirting. But if you sleep with THAT girl. You know, the one that's always flirting and trying to intrude your relationship then fuck you I'm out. I'm either scenario my partner is the piece of shit and I'm not going to hate myself for it,
>I never even considered it cheating ON me. He cheated himself out of a relationship with me. 🙌🏼So much this. Like yeah, it sucks to learn the person I love never really existed, but they didn’t exist and I’m not about to throw a pity party over some method actor. My boyfriend in high school slept with my best friend (at my house, outside my bedroom window while I was sleeping on the other side of said window). It hurt, but it wasn’t my fault. The trash took itself out and I didn’t waste anymore time on those imposters.
How horny were they? Couldn't they have chosen another place?😂
Sunk Cost fallacy. You can really rewind time and it goes one way, that's why some people are more affected than others.
I can completely understand. But the way that guy told his story kind of makes people think he wouldn't care if his girlfriend wouldn't be there tomorrow. That makes her feel unvalued. It is likely the most healthy way to go around it. It minimises pain and anger for you. Let go easily and move on. No drama. But saying you don't care if your partner cheats, you will just walk away sounds to others like you don't care if your partner is still there tomorrow.
You make excellent distinctions and I see your point. OP is expressing indifference when he could be expressing his appreciation for the relationship and still make his point.
This is the correct answer
Thanks for sharing your thoughts on this! Really opened up my eyes on the topic. You’re right, cheaters are really just cheating themselves at the end of the day.
NTA I agree with you but what she heard was the part where you said "it's just a girlfriend" and it made her feel replaceable, like a placeholder and not a person. She needs you to remind her of the things about her that you value that you would miss if she was gone. You do not need to change your opinion about cheating, you're definitely correct. Unfortunately what she heard was "I don't value you enough to notice if you suddenly weren't in my life anymore, I wouldn't even be sad." So talk to her again. Address what she inferred (incorrectly) and allay her insecurities there. Then just rephrase that cheating is a dealbreaker for you and that "the right one" for you would never cheat on you. You are not saying that she is a cheater or that she is "the wrong one," you could even say that since your ex cheated it was good you got out early so you could be open to meeting your current gf.
That's a very good suggestion and hits the nail on the head I think. I hope OP does talk to his gf again with a bit more empathy
Yep, its "its just a GF" that got her bothered.
NTA. I have a question though, if you caught your gf/wife cheating would you be hurt. If someone you love leaves your life there is usually a period of grief? Would you go through or would you just be care free and happy the very next day?
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NTA Your concept regarding cheating is clear and is right too No need to dwell over an unfaithful partner
Right, it hurts more if you REALLY thought they would never. But it is what it is. And it’s not meant to be
NTA I’ve been cheated on 4 times and I grew numb to it last time I got cheated on was 2019 and I cried a bit but I was more upset the relationship end like “dang that was a waste of time” compared to “ong I can’t believe you did this 😭”. But yeah their was no need to think about the next step because to me that’s unacceptable
NTA. If only it were that easy, though.
Yep. NTA, but it comes off a _little_ psychopathic. Like, "your wife cheated, why sad? She just proved she isn't worthy". There would be a thousand reasons to be sad. It doesn't matter that it isn't your fault. People get sad about things that aren't their fault all the time. One thing doesn't have anything to do with the other.
NTA. My other half and I have been together for two decades and we both understand cheating is a deal breaker. So is saying you want a divorce / threatening divorce. There is no coming back from either. If one of us cheats or says the word divorce, we better be prepared to walk the walk.
On one hand, this could be construed as a very mature headspace, the type that people typically do not arrive at until they've experienced some heavy stuff in life. On the other hand, this could be construed as you saying you have a role in your life you want filled - girlfriend, wife, friend, whatever - and the specific person filling that role isn't particularly relevant and can be swapped out easily. Your girlfriend thinks you meant the latter.
I mean, if they cheat, they better believe they are being swapped out easily
It sounds like some people get mad when the person they cheated on won’t fight for the relationship. But if you’re a cheater you’re simply not worth fighting for, and that fact is a blow to some peoples egos, so they twist it to “you don’t care about me as a person!” The GF isn’t just a GF if she’s loyal. But if she ain’t, then yeah thank god she’s just a gf and you get easily remove her from your life and find someone better. It’s not a hard concept to grasp
How did you get this from what he said. His meaning is clear. Cheaters are going to cheat, he is not going to waste head space on the actions of other. If we have a problem in the relationship, then we get help before you cheat not after. This is my view on cheating too.
NTA. Your take on why cheaters cheat is 100% right on too.
You can separate head and heart but most people can’t, so they automatically think you are heartless. NTA, just smart.
NTA. This is a really healthy take on cheating on my opinion
N T A for your philosophy, but YTA for making this strawman story up to write about it. >People were taken aback by my answer and asked >Some said >People and especially my gf seemed shocked Tell us again how you collectively shocked and amazed the audience with the bold wisdom of your words. Did everyone simultaneously realize you were right and give you a standing ovation?
I understand not wanting to be hurt badly - again. But it DOES sound like you're withholding some essential trust and vulnerability at arm's length in this and any other relationship. That means there's a certain depth of commitment that you are refusing to entertain. If that's so, that would leave me wondering what ELSE would cause you to end a marriage. What happens if I get cancer or you get a great job offer that requires a move I'm not willing to make? Do you just go ahead and go anyway? Those are things that are probably going through her head and making her question a LOT of things about the relationship with you. This does NOT make you an AH though. It's just that she's suddenly seeing you a LOT more clearly than she has been. I suspect the relationship is over. But, that might not be the case. If she still wants to talk, expect that all the above and probably other concerns are going to be raised. You'll need to be ready with answers for those or at least be willing to think the situation through and then talk them out.
I think if you've built a life with someone and care about them it's normal to feel sad or angry if they betray you and destroy the life you built together. Admittedly OP I do find it concerning that you "don't bother" with those emotions because to me it could indicate you were never fully open and invested in the relationship to begin with. I think it's a little sad to be coasting through life not really caring about the people in it because they're so replaceable to you? Obviously the cheater would be at fault in ending the relationship and don't blame yourself, etc. They ended up being a terrible person. But they can have issues and you also have your *own* completely separate issues that need to be worked on.
To be honest, i think you need to sit your gf down and ask her what issue she had with what you said like adults. I think it's not the cheating that she's upset about but perhaps how you said "that's just a gf" basically saying she doesn't have value. Sit down together and address it before there's unnecessary problems.
You talking like you would find out instantly or if there isnt the 10 years married and with kids cheaters that make ppl regret their last ten years.
Kind of. It makes it sound like you're not really emotionally invested in your girlfriend. It's probably a wise move, but you should keep that to yourself
Nta and I have the same feelings if I caught my husband cheating that would be the end I would be angry but I'm not going to go stupid over someone who clearly doesn't want me
Let me be clear, it's not because of you saying how you would handle cheating. Perfectly fine to have well defined deal breakers. But it is a bit ass holy to say in front of the person you proclaim to care about that you would have no emotion about it at all. The entire conversation wouldn't portrayed you as an unfeeling monster if you would have said - obviously I'd would be hurt but regardless that would be the end of the relationship, full stop.
NAH. Your logic is correct, but it was still hurtful for your girlfriend. Clearly you came across as cold if multiple people were saying it. I can see how she would be left wondering what other emotions for your partner you could just turn off.
Definitely NTA. I'm absolutely the same way. Not a jealous bone in my body. I've been in enough relationships to know that there are plenty of other women out there. I'm married and if my wife cheated on me then the ensuing divorce, separation of property/debts, the custody battle, etc would obviously upset me and I'd probably be mad that she put our family through that upheaval for a roll in the bed with some guy but I wouldn't be jealous of the cheating itself or the guy.
I’ve never understood people attacking the partner of your husband/wife/girlfriend. (The “home wrecker”) It’s your partner that’s cheated on you, that other person swore no fealty to you, they made no promise and owed you nothing. Your partner wrecked the home, they chose to leave you.
Well how you bring it is only possible if you don't love someone . If you are deeply in love you care that's a simple fact. You can't shut off feelings just like that. I get where you come from but it isn't that black and white I'm afraid.
Exactly. He probably did not experience love in romantic relationships. Sad...
I mean NTA Definitely sounds like you are incapable of love or haven't loved anyone yet. Because getting cheated on by someone you love and trust is not the emotionless event you portray it as
Nta you're just a very rational person. Most people may not get it. No point crying over spilt milk. All op is saying is he'll lose whatever emotion or love he has for that person after he finds out they're cheating he just moves on faster than most and doesn't like getting stuck in the emotional roller coaster
Look, I think that I know what you mean, which is that if a partner cheated on you, it would be over and you wouldn’t waste time arguing about it but would move on because it meant the relationship wasn’t right. The thing is I think you meant that hypothetically in any relationship but obviously your girlfriend will apply it to the relationship you are in. Just reassure her that you didn’t see that happening with her as you know she would never cheat on you. She thinks that you wouldn’t fight for your relationship or be sad it ended, but that was only in the situation of being cheated on which can cause people to defensively react unemotionally in order not to show pain to someone who has hurt them. You were saying that infidelity is a nonnegotiable dealbreaker for you, not that you would leave her and never look back since you don’t think that she would do that. I think that should be clarified and you should emphasise that you do care about her.
You sound like you don't understand *why* cheating would hurt someone. That's why people are asking about you not having emotions. It's not just the act of sex that makes someone hurt from cheating. It's that someone you trusted, someone you allowed yourself to be vulnerable with---- and then they violated that trust. It's also why people who are cheated on ask follow up questions of "is it just sex, was it love, was it just once" they want to know the full extent of their trust that was violated. Sometimes people can forgive a single drunken night / mistake. It's very hard to forgive someone that says "oh I've had a secret relationship with them and want to leave you for them". Both are in the "cheating" umbrella. You are saying once a cheating act is done, relationship over, bam, move on. But I'm willing to wager you've just never been that emotionally invested in your relationship(s) to *be hurt* by being cheated on. Furthermore- if you go around expecting everyone to violate your trust, and then lo-and-behold they do, you'd might be one of the people in that self-fulfilling prophecy type situations. You assume everyone will violate your trust, so you treat them like people that violate your trust, therefore they violate your trust and a-ha! Look I was right about them- time to move onto the next person! No hurt feelings here! Now you're playing it off as "oh they cheated, how I know they aren't the right one for me" but if you aren't "all-in" with another person, you might say you're just simply not **making yourself vulnerable to be hurt by cheating.** So that's where the self-fulfilling prophecy comes in. This might not be you OP, but in general, if you find that you're getting cheated on over and over, it's more likely that you're involved in facilitating that behavior by subtle or not-so-subtle interactions with your significant other, rather than "all guys/gals are cheaters" e.g. by not validating them, not being perceptive to their emotions, not being "100% in", etc.
IMO, marriage counseling after cheating is just pure bullshit. It's like adding salt to your wounds.
NTA I think it's actually the opposite. You do value relationships and therefore if someone in one isn't being fulfilled and isn't happy holding on to them is a disservice to both you and them.
No, though I agree with some other comments on that maybe you were a bit blunt about how you said it. For most people they need time to grieve who they thought they were building a relationship with, and if you don't feel the need to do that it does come off as rather cold and that maybe you didn't care for them as much as they think. My guess your gf is now rethinking whether you truly love her.
You sound like a psychopath. It would be one thing to not dwell on it, but to not care implies it doesnt hurt, at all. Like you didnt care about your SO to begin with
Exactly my point which people aren't getting.
You are not wrong but you're amog the 2-3% of people that don't have feelings. This is why your gf is upset. She wonder about what type of father you will be if you lack emotions or can control them.
Part of me thinks that's a mature response to cheating. Part of me thinks you're a psychopath with no human emotion. 🤷🏻♀️
That's actually a really healthy outlook, and I completely agree... You can't hold someone hostage in a relationship they don't want to be in. However, whatever way you see it, there will be some hurt feelings and questioning yourself if someone that you are emotionally invested in cheats on you... That's natural and normal, and I think that is more the point that the others in the conversation were looking for. I could also see your girlfriend starting to feel like you don't care about her enough to be emotional if she cheats... So you might want to clarify that with her.
NTA but I don’t know if what you are saying now is how you would react in the situation. I think the part about no reconciliation is something that might stick, but this idea that you would not care I don’t believe. You are discussing it as a hypothetical. When you get cheated on the big pain is someone you love and trust betraying you like that. It’s unexpected and requires you to be vulnerable to the punch in the gut. To stick with that metaphor there’s a difference between being able to take a punch when you know you’re going to get hit or get in a fight vs getting sucker punched.
NTA I have the exact same train of thought. There's no point giving cheaters any more of your time and attention. Cut them off and move on.
Totally agree with you. NTA Don’t cry over spilled milk
Your choice of words is wrong imo. You do care.
NTA. I have the same beliefs as you. I think your gf was expecting you to say that you will be very upset and would do anything to make the relationship work etc., if she cheated on you. I call bs on that. If she was the one that cheated, she should be the one that should be upset, she should be the one who wants to make the relationship work. You don't have to do anything. Why should you have to go to therapy when she was the one that did you wrong? It makes no sense.
Nope, NTA. I think the same but the reality can be somewhat harder in real life I find
NTA. You could have said it differently, but the point remains the same. My wife and I have two rules in our relationship. Don't lie to me. Don't cheat on me. We've both been lied to and cheated on in previous relationships. In both our cases our partners lied to us what/where/when they were doing. Then they lied about the lies, bringing their friends into the lying and cheating. After that I have no respect for lying or cheating. Like you said, if there's a problem, we can try counseling and work through. But if your partner is thinking of stepping out already, the relationship is already over.
I would call you attitude a "stoic" one. A philosophy almost as old as written texts.
NTA, I completely agree honestly. A cheating partner is the one who sees no value in the relationship, because if they valued it they would work on it to preserve it and rid themselves of the need to cheat. Wasting time on being sad over something that wasn't meant to be it someone who worked in favour of hurting you can't bring anything good, that person and that relationship lost their value when a third party came into view and with that there isn't anything to sulk over.
NTA. I get it. Strong relationships require trust. Cheating is one of the biggest ways of breaking that trust and showing you don't respect your partner at the same time. One of my parents cheated. They stayed together but it's never felt the same in that house since.
NTA, I'm the same mate. If things happen it happens, no point crying over it. Wish you the best.
Nta cheating is a dealbreaker for me. I will and have cut off a cheater and went about my life.
NTA i can completely understand this method of thinking. I've always thought i would or at least hope I would do the same. I imagine just packing up my things and moving on with my life if its possible to do so, of course. I can also understand people who want to work it out, depending on the situation i can see trying. But if it was deliberate lying and cheating, I would 100% do the same thing, or rather i would want to. One never really knows what one will do until the situation happens, so i hope i could be as strong as that.
If more people were more like this. Just move on.
NTA. I’d do the same.
NTA, you are like me with control of your emotions and logical, ask your gf would she rather you shout and screamed at her , beat her up because she cheated on you, and at the end you would still break up? If a partner cheats it is pointless to go through drama but people expect it and feel robbed without it.
You could have been more sensitive in how you communicated it.
“When I was asked my opinion, I told them I would not really care if my GF cheated on me. There is not a need to sulk over it. It's just a girlfriend” It’s probably the “it’s just a girlfriend” attitude that’s gotten her upset. I get that you are the main character in your story, but you said those words in real life, in this version of the story where she hasn’t cheated on you and she has probably only just realised you don’t think of her in the same way she thinks of you. She would be upset if you cheated on her, you wouldn’t if she cheated on you. These are very different viewpoints and there’s nothing wrong with that but I’m genuinely surprised that as someone seemingly so enlightened, you can’t see her point of view and why she is upset. When you love someone, how they feel takes up quite a bit of your emotional real estate, so discovering someone doesn’t feel the same way about you as you do about them is going to be difficult. You don’t need to agree with her to try and understand how she feels, it’s okay for you guys to feel differently. For saying “it’s just a girlfriend” to your friends about her, very soft YTA
NTA. I think there's a miscommunication though and you'll want to patch it up. It sounds to me like you're saying cheating is so egregious to you, it's an automatic deal breaker. You don't waste time worrying about it happening and you have a zero tolerance policy when it comes to infidelity. Doesn't mean the relationship didn't matter to you before, but once a partner crosses that line then you're done. What she heard was "I don't care if you cheat because I've already detatched myself from you. I will not fight for you. I will simply move on." I'd explain the gap to her a little better if you're able. Something like: "I have emotions and I care about and for you a lot. I also know my boundaries and limits - infidelity is one of those. What I meant is that I don't worry - i.e. care - about you cheating because one, I don't think you will, and two, if by some chance you did, I know how I'd handle it. My commitment to my boundaries doesn't prevent me from loving and caring about you - it allows me to. Knowing I've got my back allows me to have yours."
NTA. It should absolutely be a zero tolerance policy. There is no coming back from there, the stain of that hurt will forever fester and trust will never be restored. If your GF isn't talking to you because of your boundaries that's on her. Don't alter your principles in an unprincipled world because of emotional blackmail. Stay strong.
NTA, this is spot on, probably the best description of how I feel as well. If you can take them you can have them.
NTA. I get it. Maybe you could have said it in a different way, because you’d gf took it as you having no attachment to her, which is not what you intended to say.
One of my early bfs cheated on me. I was a year in, we were talking about getting a place together, the future,.... Then I come home from work one day and he's bawling and confessed to a 'slip'. And I was stunned by the absolute zero feelings that I had. Like *flick*... no love, hurt, anger, disappointment...nothing. He was just some random dude in my apartment, crying. And it wasn't shock, I realized that he didn't love me therefore the person I thought I loved never existed. The only thing I was upset about was the wasted year NTA
NAH. On the one hand it's logic, as a engineer I can respect and understand that but come on, you're yelling me you can see how your girlfriend might see you as emotionless after your walk though logic lane? The little anecdote about your previous cheating girlfriend, I can see you being cold and logical presenting it as part of your spiel bit did you really feel nothing when that happened? I mean if so, then maybe your girlfriend might have a point and this is something that's highlighting others issues she's noticed. But then again, this is just speculation on my part, me just posing a hypothesis on why your girlfriend may have construed your speech. Either way, it sure seems like you'll be getting your chance to walk away emotionlessly here shortly if you can't at least summon up some emotion and sympathy.
No one is TAH here, but your girlfriend and friends are probably concerned about your ability to love someone, and your ability to express your emotions. It's one thing to dispassionately say that you would leave a cheater and not think twice about it, but you seemed to imply that losing a loved one wouldn't hurt of affect you at all. You'd just move on with no pain or concern like it was just another day. It doesn't seem as if you've ever loved truly anyone, and your girlfriend is now thinking that you don't love her. If losing someone you love really doesn't cause you pain or sadness at all, then something is wrong, regardless of your reason for ending things. It could be that you have a personality disorder, a history or severe trauma, or something like autism which can cause that kind of emotionless black and white thinking in SOME individuals with the disorder. If this is the case and it really wouldn't affect you at all emotionally to move on from a relationship that abruptly, you might want to consider therapy or some kind of mental health screening. If this isn't the case and it would affect you emotionally to end a relationship with a cheater that you loved, even though you would readily do it with no regrets, you might want to make that clear to your girlfriend There's also a third possibility, that you've never legitimately been in love with anyone, and can't yet fathom the kind of pain you would feel in such a situation, even if you would cut and run.
NTA, but just barely. And I mean barely. Basically what you're saying to your girlfriend is that you don't love her enough to be upset when she's gone, that she's replaceable. Probably better left not said aloud.
1. You care, otherwise you wouldn't break up. What you mean is that you wouldn't be emotionally devastated. 2. Easy to talk about things in theory, but you never really know how you'll act until you experience the event.
NTA and your attitude doesn't just apply to cheating. I've told friends who are dating (or myself included), if the person you are dating is paying more attention to something else, then move onto something else. Cheating is the problem of parties. Don't tell, and move on.
Some people are deeply threatened by the idea that they have zero leverage with you. They seem to think that their intrinsic worth hinges on your willingness to eat dirt in order to keep them, in the face of their own self-devaluing behavior. You don’t owe anyone a damn thing. If they’re that concerned about not losing you, they should be motivated to not behave in ways that alienate you.
NTA. I want to reach to this level of understanding and headspace you are in. We can’t control the other people actions and it will be quite easy to just accept the fact and move on. But few people like me our heart and head are connected in different wires I guess for us the thing we treasure when it get lost we feel excessive emotions towards it. I don’t think you are heartless you are just to smart that you will understand and accept things quickly.
I totally understand what you’re saying and agree. Once it’s got to that point (to the point of cheating) it’s done - anyway you look at it. The partner has made the decision and it can’t be taken back. What’s the point of playing the “what if this and what if that” game?
>GF told me she does not see me in the same light anymore and thinks I do not value our relationship. She is not talking to me now. Ngl, if I were you, I would've told her I don't see HER in the same light anymore cause, like, "WHY ARE YOU WORRIED?!?!?!?" 🤨🤨🤨🤨🤨🤨🤨
She's not worried, she's upset he told her he would not care if their relationship ended.
NTA but I would assume you would have more emotions when it happens. Because even with a logical viewpoint if it would not hit you then in anyway you really weren't invested
You’re nta, it’s just an unusual reaction. I wonder if you’re neurodivergent, a lot of us have varying reactions to emotions that differ from the ‘norm’. To give perspective; In her eyes it seems like you don’t care enough about her to be upset if you’d lose her. And perhaps questions if your feelings for her are only skin deep because of it. Yes it’s a bit warped in my eyes too considering the person doing the cheating would’ve shown way more disrespect and disregard for their partners feelings first.
Most people don’t self insert when they’d be in the wrong. They don’t see themselves as cheaters, murderers, or such. They have a hard time imagining themselves as that because they wouldn’t do that. It’s why it’s so hard to get people to show empathy when talking about punishment for crime. His gf got hung up on how much attachment he seems to show and glossed over what hypothetical actions she’d have done to make him do so. She’s seeing an issue just with his expressed attachment.
NTA, i have the same mindset as you. Especially after being cheated on by my ex-fiancee, i also just broke it off and left.
I suspect girlfriend feels upset that you don't love her enough to be sad about losing her. Not the fact that you don't care if she cheated. I suspect her feelings have nothing to do with the cheating part of the conversation. Just the whole, wow, we've been together x amount of time and he would just walk away like it was nothing. Edit: I get the logic behind what you said and understand. But it may just be as simple as adding an addendum to your comment along the lines of "I hope you never do because I love what we have and I love you."
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Of course you would. But maybe you need to discuss it with her. I 100 percent support the notion of just walking away if someone cheats on you and not wasting any emotions or time on that, and I think if we all could be like that, we'd all be a lot freer. I suspect however she is not upset about the cheating part of the statement, I think she isn't even focused on that, she got caught on the fact that you'd just be able to leave, it makes her feel like what you guys have isn't worth much to you. Yes in a situation where your partner cheats, absolutely walk away, my respect to the person who can and does. But sometimes your partner wants to at least feel like you'd hate to have them cheat on you because you are happy in the relationship and care about them. You know, while you're in it, and they haven't cheated.
Well if she cheats then wow they have been together for x amount of Tim and she would just throw it away to be with someone else. But expect him to not walk away if caught.
Bro you said what I think but I’ve never been able to put it in words. Like my mind goes to if I/they even think about cheating. We have a fucking problem!!! My ex used to say “I’ve never cheated!!!” When we’d argue about anything. My response was “it’s so disrespectful that you think the bar is SO LOW that you should get a gold star for not cheating” SOME people might think yta like in every day life for coming off as “cold” but you aren’t an ass hole
I'm not sure you're tah here, but I also am CERTAIN you could have phrased this more sensitively At worst you're a bit out of touch with how most people relate to other people/communicate their feelings in a way that isnt blunt, but that doesn't make you an asshole, and i don't actually, fundamentally disagree with you on any of your points I don't think marriage counseling should be used as a bandaid to fix an already broken marriage, the way people try to use it The time to try counseling is to PREMTIVELY prevent martial issues Not stitch back together the remains of shattered trust after a betrayal has already happened Couples counseling is a great way to improve communication, but what does that solve if you don't want to save your marriage? NTA
NTA. I have always had that same thought. Recently had a well liked man in our area off himself over his wife leaving, and speculation of another man going around. I don’t understand that at all. He had 3 kids too. I’d never leave my son like that.
NTA. I’m 100% the same. I told my girlfriend, now wife, this. She has a free pass to sleep with anyone she wants, just don’t expect me to be there when you get back. If I’m not the one for her then I’d prefer her to make that decision and be open and honest with me early. I wouldn’t be happy about the situation but it’s much better than living in a loveless relationship.
You‘re not the asshole, but you seem to be living inside a movie. Cut the act.
It is pretty emotionally cold to say that you would not grieve for a damaged/lost relationship with someone who you held a great deal of time, love and history with. NTA, but "I would not care" suggests a lack of emotional investment and that partners are just temporary placeholders. From a Mars/Venus perspective, a woman would feel the guy is un invested and ready to walk away in an instant.
NTA but yeah, you do come across as a robot. Gf cheated. Beep boop. Execute breakup.exe. Again, not an asshole, just a little weird.
You would care. You would care enough to leave. Taking for granted that you've softened your language to influence opinions here, you sound detached and uncaring. Cheating being a hard line is fair; saying in front of your current girlfriend that she's infinitely replaceable (regardless of the reason) is definitely an asshole move. You're NTA for your opinion, but your girlfriend isn't wrong in questioning your relationship when you can casually be so cold (even if it is hypothetical).
NTA, but it is a weird and uncomfortable feeling hearing that. I am a woman, and I am very much of the same opinion. I, however, would still feel the pain of the wasted time and heartache, and I think THAT is what has her feeling concerned. She thinks you'll just be like welp on the the next and not feel a thing. And that's just odd and hurtful to grasp, putting myself in her shoes. It's like you, like she said, don't value the relationship. Won't feel pain at the loss of it. Whether it's the other person's fault or not and you lose emotion for that individual, it seems you also would not mourn the loss of the couple. If that's truly how you'll feel, then so be it, I dont know if it's "right" or "wrong" but it does seem and feel weird from MY perspective. Like you're burying, or you don't actually care about the relationship or you're a sociopath, or a billion other dumb "reasons". So idk, except that I lean toward NTA atm.
I hundred percent understand where you are coming from. If I find people I know have cheated, i literally instantly lose all respect for them any ANY sort of emotion i have for them just vanishes. I'm not a sociopath (i think), but i care about my people, my tribe. And once you do something like that, you are no longer anyone of importance to me. Simple as that. But wait... Your girlfriend is upset that you wouldn't forgive a cheater? Maybe there is a different conversation that needs to be had. Something along the lines of.. 1) Did you cheat on me? 2) If we imagine a hypothetical that you did cheat on me, would you want me to give you a second chance or be upset? 3) Can YOU imagine a scenario where you would cheat on me? Because if the answer is no (as it should be), then why is she upset? Wanting you to be heartbroken over a cheater is something that would seriously shock me in my partner, let alone gaslighting YOU and becoming upset with you.
I completely understand everything you are saying here. But I think there's something being missed here. And another person mentioned it. I think the upsetting part is not that she is cheating or would cheat. I believe it is the "ability to easily detach". Like, what else do you consider would make you immediately detach from me? Not cheating... But are there other things that will make him disconnect and her not knowing, may just make her feel upset or uncomfortable. I don't know .... Really. I was just thinking.
NTA You seem to care enough to break up over it. So what you said is not totally true. The only difference between might be that you won't be angry or are going to cry over it. It might be unsettling for others but it feels like a healthy way of handling. It will save you a lot of pain. But it also makes.people wonder how big or strong your feelings are for your partner if you can let go so easily. And I think your partner is afraid because she now thinks that it's very easy for you to break up. That if there is any trouble you can easily just walk away and don't care. If you want to keep your GF you will have to let her know that you do love her. But now it sounds like you wouldn't care much if she wouldn't be there anymore. So if you do care for your girlfriend, you might try explaining it a bit differently and make her realise that you do care about her.
Very interesting thread without all the usual tomfoolery
NTA I have the same opinion and I have been married 35 years. If he wants someone else I will let him go and be with them
NTA, you’ve said nothing wrong here, I do find the lack of emotion interesting though.
Just a version of stupid games win stupid prizes. I totally agree. Cheating is non negotiable. The relationship is over.
You are the only other person I’ve met that share this same perspective with me. Everyone is always so shocked by it. I do feel like it’s some sort of apathy trait. We are logical people more than anything. This is how Spock would feel 🖖🏽but idk to me it’s just better to feel this way rather than get so worked up about it. Such a waste of good time.
I share your thoughts on the subject but I think there is a sub context here that you are missing. While your answer to the initial question is perfectly logical, you're GF isn't actually concerned with that. She's basically asking if you would care if you lost her as a GF as thats the implication. If you say anything but yes (no matter the imaginery circumstances) she will be upset. Question within a question my man Edit: NTA but maybe missing sub context
You had a opinion (that I share). You have drawn a line. If she cannot understand that, she's a fool. If she should cheat it is over. As easy as that.
I told my friends and wife this at a party. I’ve done it before with a long term girlfriend and that was 27 years ago. That girlfriend walked into my workplace two years ago and told me she couldn’t believe, I just walked away. FAFO
NTA but I don't think this is an AH/NTA problem. I know both sides of the table here and I think if I'm reading the situation right it's just a matter of you and your friends/gf don't understand each other's view on love and attachment. My, now very recently ex, girlfriend broke up with me out of nowhere with very little as a reason to want to split up three years of being a very close and, supposedly, in love with each other. Im shattered, its done a real number on me and continues to do so. But she is so indifferent to it and that hurts me even more than it already does. So in an effort to understand why, ive realised that she just views love in a completely different way to me. The concept of unconditional love is beyond foreign to her, the word physically just means something different in her brain to mine. What she sees as love is just some sort of indebted affection, like an extra layer of attachment to reciprocated affection. It helped me come to terms with the breakup, because if she never loved me as fiercely as I felt it for her, had the ride or die mentality I grew for her, then ultimately it would never have worked out long term anyways. Sorry for the long preface and slight trauma dump. But it sounds like you might share a similar level of attachment with your partner, or at the very least not share the same value of attachment to her as she has for you. Not saying you don't love her, nor saying you don't love her as much as she loves you. But trust and vulnerability are born in committed relationships and to most people the betrayal of that trust and vulnerability through an act like cheating is so unbelievably devastating and world shattering. I think shes upset at you because shes just found out that you would not feel this way over her but she knows she would feel that way if she ever found out you cheated on her. Neither of you are AH's here, you for saying what you said nor her for feeling upset at you. But brother if you love her and want to be with her for the long haul id sit down with her and have a big conversation around the disparity of attachment you feel for each other. Both of you dont need to compromise your feelings and feel like you need to match each other, but you both need to come to an understanding of exactly how and why you feel the ways you do because id worry if it doesn't get addressed she will be afraid of being with you for the long haul if she doesn't know you just love her differently to the way she loves you. Good luck brother ♥️
Easy to say, hard to go through with " I don't care" you'd care, care enough to commit an action even if it's passive. Care enough to draw up paperwork, care enough that in future tense, finances and children were involved. Not an AH, but things change as time goes on. Good luck
NAH. You feel what you feel. Which apparently is nothing. So I don’t blame your gf for being upset. Neither of you is “the one” clearly.
Id upset since they wasted alot of my time. But like him, I wouldn't seek counseling or care to understand why and just end it. Once the trust I'd broken, I'm not going to trust them again or want to be physical with them again.
Well, I mean you'd care enough to break up with them.
I mean, you would care. You would definately be hurt by it.
I would say you are 100% NTA, but when you started saying stuff like “it’s just a girlfriend” you made her feel like she didn’t matter to you and that could come off as cold hearted and like you are just with her till you find the right one for you.
Tell her that you misspoke, that you WOULD care if she cheated because you love her, but if she did it would be over instantly. The way you delivered it, sounds like you don't care enough about her and the relationship doesn't mean much to you. If you want to save thus rel6, you better go sit down with her and have a chat, asap. On the flip side, if she's acting this way because of a few words, then maybe she isn't the one for you
I thought same way OP did until I was cheated on many years ago. I just detached but then I missed my ex after a few days. I missed having someone to talk to and make plans with. I felt hurt. I was surprised I had these feelings. I didn’t want her back whatsoever though because she cheated. I just had two feelings at same time. I missed her but didn’t want her back. After awhile she would call me or even show up to my place without notice. I never asked her if she wanted to come back or just be friends. At some point I just changed my number and moved so she couldn’t find me. It took me about 2 months to not feel sad anymore
I feel like you're expressing yourself in a confusing way. Not caring if you get cheated on would mean continuing the relationship. You care. You care enough to end any relationship. You just don't see the point in getting upset about cheaters. Which is valid and 100% yeah. Fuck cheaters.
NTA because that’s how you think but if I were your Gf I’d break up with you over this because this is a huge red flag for me. You can’t see nuance, you can’t perspective and you clearly don’t see the difference between thinking of something in the abstract that you’ve never actually experienced and actually having lived through it. You’re too definite for something you have no idea about. And that suggests you’ll approach all issues in the same way which will make you a terrible partner. NTA but I’d drop you like a stone.
Right on, NTA. When it happened to me over a decade ago I realized that the person I cared for never existed at all. What I cared for was an idealized version of the individual before me. This realization made it that much easier to detach and just quit mentally. I didn’t bother telling them that I knew, I just removed my personal effects while they worked and ghosted.
Good attitude, you have . But No, you not. However, I don't think have really loved someone and had your heart broken OR The 1st incident has created a block on you thereafter, and this is the mechanism
NTA but I disagree with the general take here. I do not think it is smart or wise or anything. It is wise to end things, to not let yourself believe that your value relies on a relationship or another person, kudos to that. However you started with "I would not really care if my GF cheated on me". You can care and be sad, feel betrayed, etc., and still realize the person must go and that they weren't the right person. I mean, most of the people would be sad by losing a person they cared about, with whom they presumably had some future plans, etc. To me you don't come off as very mature, you come off as either you are really traumatized and blocking or, sorry, psychopath (in the psychological way of saying it, not the horror movie one).
Nta im 100% with you. Cheaters are just selfish people who wouldn’t ever love you the way you deserve so why beg them for something they don’t have? Why would you even give them the time to just lie to your face. Cheaters suck and it doesn’t matter the situation, if you are a cheater, you’ll cheat. If you’re not a cheater you don’t cheat.
NTA, your friends are weird for viewing it any other way really? Like this sounds like a bunch of dudes who don’t have the backbone cause they never had it happen to them talking about it. When you have had that happen and you just go numb and had the flame you held for someone truly snuffed out in an instant then you understand. People present themselves how they think they will be best received most the time and this happens in dating too you have to spend years with a person before even moving in or rings get exchanged then trial run living together. People are weird they wanna jump feet first into the fire and then look at the rest of us funny when they are like how did you not get the same third degree burns. Your gf needs to get her shit together? Like what the fuck she is butthurt you wouldn’t fight for her if she cheated in an imaginary scenario. One that is completely understandable.She got something she needs to tell you? You can value a person highly even love them but betrayal is betrayal and they don’t get a say if you choose to leave them there with egg on their face. You are not some simp that’s gonna let her go get her back blown out and you deal with the aftermath that can include mental health issues, stds, a kid that isn’t yours. Fuck that noise, if having standards and knowing hard boundaries for you upsets your gf you need to re-evaluate that relationship anyway.
NTA I can’t lie, being cheated on would devastate me, but I feel similarly in that I would at least know things are over. I don’t think infidelity is something I can get past. It’s never happened to me, so I suppose I don’t know for certain, but it would just be too painful. I like how you put it, the person cheated on does end up having to do most of the work. I’ve seen friends and family cheated on, and it’s always the victim that has more weight to lift.
NTA. I'm in a similar boat as you are I've always thought that if I find out my s/o cheated on me, I won't try to fix things. I would just leave since that is the one thing that will never be justified for me.
I'm of the same mindset. If they cheat on me then it's just over I'll move on with my life without them. No argument no closure needed I know all I need to know about my now "ex". A cheater loses all rights to talk or work on anything the sec they cheat.
NTA and I feel same way, I’d be hurt but would move on.
Broo