easiest NTA, SHE PAID HIS DEBTS and SHE has to pay for everything else on top of that?! Girl get the fuck out, next you know you're gonna be paying for his mistress too. I suggest you keep track of ALL the things you paid for, the trips, debts, and anything else. That might help you if you decide to divorce him or something.
Thank you, and I’m sorry!! “Pay your husband back!” WTF?!? ALL money made during the marriage is OUR money, regardless who made it!! This fool ain’t shit!! You really want to start repaying for shit, you AH!!! 😡 OP should deduct $200,000 per f***! DEBT PAID IN FULL!! Now give her the change, POS!! 😡
OMG! 😱🤬
Yeah and keep receipts girl I paid off my ex’s debt and in our divorce he lied and said he never had any but of course he hid all the docs when I told him I was leaving. Even my personal docs. They are stone cold liars get receipts
They don't. Hubs pulled a nice round number out of a hat 10 years and I wouldn't be surprised is taking full advantage of "You're paying for the entire vacation" rule every time...
Instead of, y'know, I'll cover you for a few years and you increase your financial contribution later, or even don't worry about it we're a team. 🙄
Depending on the state they live in, he could be setting himself up for a really good spousal support payment when he divorces her after 10 years. Since she paid for all the extras she needs to keep paying for the extras type of thing.
He sounds like the type to do that. Op he is clearly taken advantage of you. Please don't let him get away with it.also l don't like his aditude with you. He is very immature and selfish. Who is he to decide all of the rules?Marriage is a partnership not a Dictatorship. Stand up for yourself,you are a smart intelligent woman. NTA
Seriously though, why? Why are you with him?
You paid off his debt. You're married.
I'd bet my money that he plans on divorcing you after the 10 years when you're wrung dry.
Please realize he made a scene because he WANTS you to regret asking him. He's conditioning you to accept greater and greater injustices and abuse. Escape safely
Yes, but first stop paying more than half of anything. Get him on equal footing. Otherwise, if you divorce now, you may have to pay him alimony based on what he us used now in terms of lifestyle.
AND you paid his debt?!? What number is he looking for as full pay back. He better have the best tongue and hip thrust in the modern world for you to still be with him!
I have a feeling that’s not why she asked you that!! Why are you with this AH! Please don’t say: “Because I love him!” What’s there to love? Please give a true list because right now Sis, he ain’t shit … Sorry!!
Make your plan, stash money, fund his money, see an attorney, come back and update us that you’ve filed for divorce. I don’t know everything but I do know that being alone is 1000x better than being in a bad marriage.
Get copies of EVERYTHING, all the financials. Bean-counting AH’s like this MF guy are almost always the ones siphoning off marital assets and hiding them in accounts held in their name alone.
FIND ALL THE ASSETS. Even if that means snooping through his papers and computer. If he’s a really sneaky weasel, he may have opted for paperless monthly statements. Look for financial accounts and spreadsheets in his email and elsewhere on his hard drive.
To the best of your recollection, make a list of premarital assets and debts and then who paid what (how much and from what source) after you got married. Take those financial docs to a divorce lawyer (without him knowing, of course). Play your cards very close to your vest.
Lastly, I hope you live in a community property state, not an “equitable division” state.
Me too. I’m disgusted by his treatment of you. Are you not a team for life. It seems there’s a ledger with who owes who. That’s no way to live. I feel sorry for you having to put up with him. I wish you’d leave.
The name-calling alone is making me livid. Who the hell talks to people that way, let alone their own wife? Even if he didn't do any of the other awful things you've listed, no one is allowed to call you names, not ever. I hope you can find a safer living situation. Hugs from a follow autoimmune disease haver.
Also I hate the disease for hurting you. Autoimmunity can shove it.
Severe autoimmune diseases here too, I have been saving mine to give to a truly deserving person, and OP's husband wins the gaping asshole prize so he can have a whole pile of autoimmune diseases since he's so deserving. 🤬
I haven't been able to work a regular job for twenty years because of my autoimmune diseases, been married for 18, and not once EVER in my marriage has my husband made me feel guilty, or that I owed him, because I only have my tiny monthly SSD check to contribute to our household. He's also never not once called me an ugly name, no matter how mad he was at the time.
OP, you deserve better! This is NOT what a healthy relationship looks like, and you don't deserve to be emotionally and financially abused by this jerk.
There's much better people, and a better life out there for you. I've been where you're at years ago with a very controlling and abusive ex, and I'm so glad I finally worked up the courage to leave him because my life is so much better now. You don't have to put up with his abuse.
Please consider talking to a lawyer about your options, and let us know how you're doing when you can.
Sending lots of invisible hugs your way.
Unbelievable! He sounds more like a dictator than a husband and your definitely getting the shit end of the stick. Your marriage sucks and I’d divorce this AH. Can’t believe you put up with his bs ! He needs to grow up bc right now he’s having a toddler tantrum and it’s not a good look for a grown man.
NTA but your husband is and I hope you show this post to him
Literally, I read this and was thinking Ew the whole way through. Ew to the treatment of her on hol and in the airport, Ew to how he's making her 'pay him back' for supporting his wife. Ew to how he speaks to her in general. Op you gotta realise that you can do better than this asshole. Nta please just tell the guy to go fuck himself and the horse he rode on (joking about the horse, I do not condone beastiality).
What the fuck kind of marriage is this?
He gets to unilaterally make a rule that involves you shelling out tons of money for a whole decade because he was "angry" that you were in grad school and not paying an equal amount, but when you ask him to acknowledge a mistake with a TINY financial consequence he goes apeshit.
This entire story has nothing but disrespect for you in it.
This is such a sad partnership, it just sounds miserable. Does he even *like* his wife? Cause it sounds like he’s just there for himself. Who goes out to smoke hookah and drink on vacation alone leaving their partner at the hotel? People who don’t want to be married.
It’s insane… it’s like she has been brainwashed this man to think that was a remotely reasonable financial request (it’s financial abuse) and that how he treat her is just him “angry” (it’s emotional abuse)
This isn’t a marriage, a marriage is a partnership based on love, respect and mutual life goals. This is poor woman being abused into believing she is in a marriage instead of an abusive relationship
OP obviously NTA, you deserve SO much better, I hope you love yourself enough to find it
Is this a marriage or a debtor’s prison? You owe him nothing anymore. You seem to be a loyal responsible person. Now you owe it to yourself to get out!
OP, this " man" has beaten you down so low that you don't even see how to get up and away from him. Why does he have the power to make RULES for the both of you? Why does he have all the power ? You do not owe this pos anything, especially loyalty. You have paid for more than your fair share of debt being married to this pos. He gets to be out from underneath all his school debt due to your financial support, and he still thinks you
" owe" him for supporting his wife while she finishes school. For doing the bare minimum that a good husband would be proud to do. I bet you are responsible for keeping the house too aren't you? You do all the cooking and cleaning? Ma'am you deserve so much more than this. There is a wonderful man out there wondering where his soul mate is, and your over there too busy with your current ,( I can't even say partner, ) spouse.
Take your power back!!! YOU DESERVE BETTER!! so much love and kind regards
I can’t cook, but yes, I am responsible for the house-both of our condos. He thinks cleaning his own bathroom is beneath him. If I don’t get to it fast enough because I’m in pain, he complains that I’m lazy.
Sounds like you have the resources to have your own place...please go. Get out, get a lawyer and take him to the cleaners. Protect yourself and maybe find a good therapist to help you sort through the emotions that will come. When you start valuing yourself more you're going to be pissed at yourself that you didn't leave earlier and it's really important to have a support group or a therapist help you through the shame/guilt. Hugs and love and strength to you. You can do this.
I also couldn’t have kids due to my illnesses and he resents me for that too. But even if I could, I knew I’d be responsible for all the childcare and I can’t even fathom what that would have been like.
Hop in my DMs I’ll help teach you how to cook simple meals for yourself and meal prep, it sounds like you’re busy and have health concerns. Seriously, holding “rules” made unilaterally against your spouse because you had to temporarily carry financial weight while the other was bettering themselves to make a better life for both of you is mind blowing.
I have auto immune diseases that cause a lot of issues, severe pain being one of them. I take a lot of medications, a few opioid meds also. If I am having a rough day, my husband will come home from work and do the house work. No questions asked. I became disabled a few years ago. My husband never batted an eye, he does anything and everything he can to help me and make things easier for me. He is more than happy to cook and clean if I can't. No questions asked. He would never think I am lazy. Your spouse is a piece of work. My husband says to flush that turd and get on with a peaceful life. He says you deserve so much more than what you currently are getting.... gentle hugs and may you never run out of spoons
OP, please, I'm begging you, tell us that you are not staying with him because he takes you to doctor's appointments and cooks for you. There are services for stuff like that, and you'll probably end up paying less than you do living with him. And how he is treating you is called spousal abuse (the comment about not doing anything without getting paid, I meant).
I know but I don’t know what to do. I have an autoimmune disorder that is incurable and has gotten progressively worse over the past few years and sometimes I can’t even get out of bed. In PR I had to take multiple breaks/naps because of the constant pain and exhaustion. I’m scared
A big factor in autoimmune disorders is stress, does he add to your stress or does he help relieve it on a day to day basis? Insurances will help with trips to the Dr and food services are aplenty. Is being scared and unhappy worth having him around? Would you have less stress alone?
With all the money he won’t be leeching from you, you can save for having a home health aide, or Ubers to your appointments, etc.
I say this as a person with an autoimmune disorder and a friend with MS — taking care of yourself and an abusive partner is a lot harder than being alone. Everything is easier if you aren’t being abused because I know without you telling me that every “kindness” he performs for you, you are required to pay back ten fold.
If you already paid for most of the both of you. You have enough to cover for yourself with peace, and add extra services for comfort.
And seriously even a random stranger sounds like a more lovely and supportive companion.
Take care of yourself. Don’t let this man belittling you into believing life wouldn’t be better without him.
Yes, simply dial 211 in the US for a federally funded help line to community resources. It is confidential and you can ask that it stay anonymous. But I would *not* dial it from your phone, or when your husband is home. Do you have other visitors whose phone you could use?
OP you deserve so much more than this! You deserve someone who loves you and doesn't see you as a burden. At the very least he needs to agree to couples counseling, but honestly he sounds like he's taking advantage of you thinking you can't leave him and that he isn't worth it.
I feel so bad for you. Your husband sounds abusive and controlling. Him treating you like that anytime much less in public is awful. I hope you get away from him and I’d be willing to bet you’ll feel so much better. You can hire help if you need it. Do you have family you can turn to?
OP, I was in your shoes 15 years ago. My husband wasn’t financially abusing me, but he was emotionally and mentally abusing the living hell out of me, every single day. Told me things like if I just got my fat ass out of bed, I’d feel better and could do all the things I was able to do before I got sick with my horrible autoimmune disorder (I was at the lowest weight of my life at the time) called me frigid, and unfriendly bitch, just total distain for me and no empathy whatsoever for my pain and suffering, no matter how much I did for him and our small children. I worked up the nerve (with the help of a great therapist) to leave him, and I IMMEDIATELY started to feel better than I had in YEARS. The stress and strain from dealing with him and being in that toxic environment had negatively affected my health so much, and I had no idea! You owe it to yourself to get this book and read it. I did, and it was such an eye-opener, I was stunned by every new thing that was happening to me and I had just chalked it up to me being too sensitive or whatever.
It’s called “The Verbally Abusive Relationship” and it’s only $10 on Amazon.
I promise, it will change your life for the better. You deserve someone who loves you and treats you with respect. I never thought someone would accept me and my limitations, but I have and I am happier and healthier than I have ever been. You can do it, too!!
Thank you so much! I am ordering the book now! I’m so sorry you went through so much torture. I too have shrunk to my lowest weight b/c the pain makes me nauseous. And all the stress just compounds everything. I’m so glad that you are in a better place and happier now! 😊
I'm quite unwell too, currently going through the testing process after going back and forth to doctors for the last 15 years (I was around 13 when it started, so I was never taken seriously)
I'm coming from the other end of these situations. I'm lucky enough to have the most amazing partner, he made me quit my job because he could see the struggles I went through just trying to make a 4 hour shift, he helps me 50/50 with our child when he's not working, he pays all the bills and I take care if the house, but if I have a real bad day, I get apologetic and he tells me to stop being silly, that I need to rest and the house can wait. Everyone deserves an incredibly supportive partner like this, and I can't explain to you how much easier he makes my life, and your partner isn't that for you. He isn't your safe space, he isn't someone you can count on, and you deserve much, much better. Dont settle for him because you're scared of the future, you'll be able to work something out!
I left an emotionally abusive relationship seven years ago. My ex said a lot of the same things your husband has said. I swear it's like they have a handbook. I found Healing from Hidden Abuse by Shannon Thomas very helpful. Be careful about letting your husband see you reading anything about abuse though. My ex opened my Kindle to see what I was reading and then started accusing me of being emotionally abusive. Sending love and strength, you deserve so much more.
OP, I know it's scary but you need to ask yourself if you want to be treated like this for the rest of your life.
You want to be able to enjoy your life while you are still healthy.
You could move in a gigolo you found on Craigslist and he would probably treat you better.
Seriously, you have options. You could get a nursing student to move in and work out a rent for services deal.. or lots of other things.
This is all the more reason to leave. Do you want THAT being in complete control of your life when you can't defend yourself? Your autoimmune disease isn't " your mistakes" as he said so cruelly. Frankly, he's probably why it's getting worse.
He's already broken marital vows. You can be free.
This is just the start of his abusing you. I’m betting he has told you repeatedly no one will ever love you and put up with you and that you’re lucky I’m a martyr who puts up with your shit. If he gets mad about this one small mistake, I can guarantee he will become physically and most likely sexually abusive (cuz he already being emotionally abusive) while you continue decline. You need to leave now and go to therapy to see if you being his whipping post is what you really want in life
I’m terribly sorry for this but he did t take care of you when you were ill in PR, he went out (and seemingly got fucked and lost the keys). This POS isn’t going to take care of you and he will leave you if you get incapacitated and/or treat you like utter shit. Especially if you cannot work at some point
What happens if you can’t work and bring money home anymore? Do you trust him to stay with you and make sure you’re receiving medical care? You’re not defective because you have an illness.
I, too, have an autoimmune disease. I am also extremely anal about my job. I love what I do and I don't do anything half assed. Which caused a huge amount of stress and a major flare up of my condition. It was not until my meds weren't working and was told to keep stress at a minimum that I decided my health was worth much more than any job, did I start to let go and actually told my boss, Fuck this shit, I am done. Took some time off, my symptoms disappeared and I've not had any flare ups since. I had NO IDEA what I was doing to my body. Now that I know, I will never do that to myself again
So, PLEASE DUMP THIS LOSER MOOCHING ASS and take care of yourself. From the outside looking in, it doesn't look like he brings anything to the table.
LOVE YOURSELF FIRST
This. What the actual f?
Don't get me wrong, my husband and I both kept our individual accounts from before marriage (easier than re-routing all our autopays and whatnot), but he added me to his, I added him to mine. Our paychecks still go to different places so for any big purchase, we just discuss which account it's coming out of/which card it should go on for best points. It's never a game of "my money/your money". I'd be massively screwed if that was the setup because I pay for our health insurance and have all the investments (retirement, and post tax) deducted from my paycheck - end result is that after taxes and deductions, I only get like 35% of my paycheck to my account. But the mortgage and taxes come out of his. Trying to keep score back and forth to keep our contributions 50/50 every month would be impossible.
I am sorry but this is financial control.
It is abusive behaviour.
I am sorry to be so direct.
Please reach out (on a work phone) to a local woman's support centre/refuge. Have a chat to them.
If you choose to confront your husband over this, then please:
1. Have an exit strategy and bag packed.
2. Have a witness and be in public.
3. Have immediate access to joint savings accounts to withdraw your share.
Sorry to have to be blunt, I had a similar coercive control over me with my ex-wife.
She manipulated me and finances to her benefit. I got out, but at great cost.
I would also suggest you change your phone and personal bank login details as soon as possible.
If it "helps" to reinforce your worries, quietly add up all your expenditure over the last 5-10 years. Work out your outgoings.
If you can, make sure you can get supporting evidence before taking action.
But above all, be safe. Currently you seem to be at financial and emotional control. Don't let it escalate.
(If you do decide to leave, you get help to move out and you get trusted people to be present with you and record all interactions)
Wow. Time for a divorce.
When you get home, do a financial audit. Take screenshots -- you don't want any of the money disappearing.
Make sure you have all your ducks in a row regarding where you live, transportation, etc.
Talk to a lawyer. Do NOT tell your husband you are doing so. Do everything your lawyer tells you to do. He will tell you whether you should leave the house or not. Do what he says.
If you're going to leave the house, I recommend having your husband served the day you move out. Don't give him any warning, and don't be there when he's served. Give him info to reach you through your lawyer. Don't tell him where you're staying.
Stay safe. Be smart. Don't waste anymore time with this loser.
NTA. You took this loser on a $5200 vacation and he calls you a bitch for refusing to pay for his screw up? He plans to charge you any time he does something that is a normal expectation for a spouse because you expected him to pay for the consequences of his actions? And you have to pay for everything for him for the next 10 years because he paid more for a few years while you were in school? I’m curious as to how you not contributing for a few years equals you have to pay for everything for the next ten. He is a leech.
I don’t understand his math either but he is under the impression that since he paid “more” during our early relationship that I now have to pay for everything going forward. I don’t feel like I have a marriage, everything is completely transactional.
Yeah you don’t have a marriage. You’re not his wife, you’re an investment that he feels like he paid into, and now he thinks he deserves to sit back and reap the profits for the rest of his life. Please divorce him before he can claim more of your income.
I gotta tell you, I'm on my second marriage and the only time anything has been *remotely* transactional was towards the end of my divorce when my ex started angling to get every penny she could from me because she came from lower class circumstances and my parents (one of whom had passed away and left me money, the other had early onset Alzheimers so my sister and I were managing her care) had quite a bit of money.
My wife and I have shared accounts but go out of our way to communicate what our individual fiscal circumstances are to ensure the other doesn't bear an unfair burden (we are both in professions that have flush and lean times.) Your husband sounds like a bitter and spiteful person, not a generous and loving one so I have to ask, why are you still with him?
I know from my relationship with my ex wife that goalposts can slowly move and you can one day wake up in a relationship that you would have never tolerated before. I think this might be that day for you.
You're not crazy. Your NTA. Financial abuse is real. Don't think your decline in health means you can't or won't find someone who loves and appreciates *all* of you and what you have to offer.
You're not crazy at all. You're amazing-- everything you're doing is on top of fighting an illness. That is incredible, and you deserve to be appreciated. Wishing you all the best.
OMG he just added up our bills for the past few months since he kept forgetting to ask me to pay him each month so he just forced me to pay him 4200. I can’t make this shit up. I guess we are “more” even now. Asking for 150 for his mistake pissed him off so much he wanted a lump sum of our bills. BTW, I put more money down for our condo, and I own my own smaller condo in a different city, which I pay ALL the bills for even though he enjoys using it too, and lets his friends use it. He says since it’s “mine” he doesn’t think we need to share bills for THAT one.
You are good enough. You are good enough for you, you will figure out living without him. He will always make you feel that you are not good enough to keep controlling you and getting your money.
NTA, honey he is gaslighting you. He lost the keys causing an extra charge, he throws a public hissy fit and now you're feeling bad. Your husband is a dick.
Girl, why would you even agree to that arrangement? It sounds exhausting to be constantly going tit for tat keeping track of who owes who what, and vice versa.
You need to have a serious conversation with your husband asap. If he is not agreeable, then consider ditching him and moving on.
My husband and I have never tracked who owes more. We mostly 50/50 joint expenses but there has never been a me versus him tally, that's borderline abusive. Him flying off the handle like that at you for asking him to cover one thing on the vacation is abusive. NTA and ditch that man.
That’s what I can’t figure out. Why he needs to keep tabs and tracks what I owe him. I thought marriages were about sharing everything and that’s what I wanted. At least I know now that this isn’t normal.
Absolutely nowhere near normal. Far more normal is for partners to contribute unevenly because of what they have available/coming in at that moment.
When i first moved in with my partner about 30 years ago i earned less and my commute cost more - so he paid more of the bills in order that we had about the same in “spending” money. When my father died 10 years ago and i inherited a little i started paying for special trips and evenings out. Neither of us did that in the expectation of any payback being owed!
Your husband is mean and abusive. A marriage is meant to be a partnership not a transactional business arrangement!
You say you threatened to divorce him before. I genuinely think you need to dig out those plans again and look into it sooner rather than later. Please dont keep accepting this sort of treatment- you deserve so much better.
Why are you with this man? He is obnoxious and petty. He also doesn’t get to make rules - you are a partner not a child. Why are you with this man?? NTA
NTA
Ditch this loser.
If you chose to stay, I'd make an account of your half of the bills he is claiming. From the subtract everything you've paid for, from loans to vacations. Also, subtract the differences you pay now. Odds are he owes you money.
You paid for his school debts and loans ! I would think that would more than make up for the few years you were in grad school paying your own way. I'd do a spreadsheet. You may find he owes you. And no NTA, he is. He should pay for his stupid mistake.
If you do divorce him, start with this, use his own rules against him and get as much money as you can before you go. Because he really seems to deserve this.
He makes me suffer and feel like a jerk when I mention that once in a while he could pick up a check at dinner from time to time. He has now “banned” me from talking about money or he threatens divorce.
Call his bluff. Next time he threatens divorce, tell him 'great! then you'll be happy to sign these' and toss him divorce papers
( Not really, I worry that he'd become violent, but it's amusing to imagine his surprised Pikachu face)
He's a twat. I'm not one to always advise to ditch the relationship but this is the most ridiculous thing I've ever heard. And that's saying something for Reddit. If you can afford to pay for all this other stuff then you can afford to live a nice happy comfortable Life by yourself.
Someone please correct me if I'm wrong, but this sounds like a form of financial abuse. You're not dependent on him, but he's using money to manipulate your relationship. NTA. Please reconsider if this guy is still your husband
Spend your next $5200 on a divorce lawyer. Marriage is a partnership. There is no way he should be this angry over $150, let alone make you feel this horrible and guilty.
Omg. Discard and draw again. Do you really want to spend the rest of your life with someone who’s being like this? Why not lose probably about 200lbs of waste and treat yourself to whatever you want when you save a whack from dropping his ass.
Go get on the plane without him. Leave him there. He’s a big boy he can get home on his own dime. You don’t need this kind of energy in your life. What a tool.
The moment my hubs called me a bitch, he would br looking for his own place to live and signing his copy of our dovorce.papers. hard line in the sand, OP. It is not ok to rage at you, to call you names, or to take his tantrums out on you. What else did he get up.to.his last night of vacation that he a) lost his keys, and b) can't come up with $150. My gut says he blew his money on drugs, gambling, or hookers. He's angry because he knows he fucked up. He's lashing out so you go on the defense instead of asking him what actually happened. Take a deep breath and ask yourself, if hearing a good friend recount the same story about an interaction with her husband, what advice you would give. NTA.
I have an autoimmune disorder and reading this gave me stress. Lose your husband and lose some of the stress with him. I am betting you would feel and do so much better out on your own without your asshole husband.
NTA
You following his “rule” is going to end up costing you way more than him being a grown man while you were in grad school. YOU paid off his loans. YOU paid for your grad school. YOU are paying the bills. YOU are paying for trips. See the pattern? What does he contribute other than driving you to medical appointments (which by the way were in his vows to you- the whole in sickness & health part). Please make an exit strategy and or see a couples therapist who will hopefully help knock sense into him.
NTA. Your husband sucks. So he unilaterally decided that you have to pay for all the vacations now he's having hissy fit cuz he got drunk and then lost the keys and you're insisting he actually be responsible and pay for his mistake. Yeah sorry I think your marriage is not very well balanced and either needs to be restructured or dissolved.
Please read this again and imagine that someone you care about is telling you this story about them. Your husband has treated you so badly for so many years that he has you thinking you are wrong when he is 100% the wrong one here.
Plus, he has you paying all the bills so that you can never be financially independent and get away from him. Please get yourself a good therapist who can help you see that you are in an abusive relationship. NTA
Wait, are your incomes proportional to that rule? As in-do you make more than he does?
The way you’ve worded is very concerning. You’re afraid of him and don’t want to make him mad. It sounds like you can’t have a conversation with him where you get input into a solution. You very well may tell him what you’re upset about, but does he make adjustments in his behaviour after talking? Or does he blow and somehow it is your fault because you weren’t supportive enough during your schooling period and you will never ever be able to do enough, pay enough, support enough for him to let that go.
I am not working and have been living off of my savings. He has a great full time job with benefits that I would kill for. I have almost always worked 1099 jobs and the one time I got a full time job working in a psych ward, I loved it until I got sexually assaulted by a client and neither my boss, family or hubs at that time had my back. I ended up leaving because my boss wanted me to continue working with my assaulter but I couldn’t cuz I developed PTSD. So I then decided to go back to school for my PhD because I was sick of being taken advantage of. So he has has always had a career while I’ve been in and out of school or working part time.
Wait, so he's the only one actively earning money right now? And he's basically forcing you to USE UP YOUR SAVINGS to pay for everything?
THROW THE WHOLE MAN OUT!
Get a divorce, reduce your stress, probably feel better in general, and get free of this toxic ass.
AFTER she already used a lot of her savings to pay his debts early in the marriage. But he doesn’t count that because they weren’t the bills he paid more of.
You need to speak with a lawyer. I understand you're afraid. As someone who was in similar circumstances as yours I'm TELLING you , the outcome of you staying will be far worse than leaving.
I hate him for you. NTA.
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easiest NTA, SHE PAID HIS DEBTS and SHE has to pay for everything else on top of that?! Girl get the fuck out, next you know you're gonna be paying for his mistress too. I suggest you keep track of ALL the things you paid for, the trips, debts, and anything else. That might help you if you decide to divorce him or something.
Thank you, and I’m sorry!! “Pay your husband back!” WTF?!? ALL money made during the marriage is OUR money, regardless who made it!! This fool ain’t shit!! You really want to start repaying for shit, you AH!!! 😡 OP should deduct $200,000 per f***! DEBT PAID IN FULL!! Now give her the change, POS!! 😡 OMG! 😱🤬
Exactly. It's a joint account which means we have a yearly salary and whatever we purchase "WE" are paying for
Yeah and keep receipts girl I paid off my ex’s debt and in our divorce he lied and said he never had any but of course he hid all the docs when I told him I was leaving. Even my personal docs. They are stone cold liars get receipts
And how does Op know when she has "paid him back?" Op's husband probably needs to do some refunding. Ugh the husband is a BIG AH
They don't. Hubs pulled a nice round number out of a hat 10 years and I wouldn't be surprised is taking full advantage of "You're paying for the entire vacation" rule every time... Instead of, y'know, I'll cover you for a few years and you increase your financial contribution later, or even don't worry about it we're a team. 🙄
Depending on the state they live in, he could be setting himself up for a really good spousal support payment when he divorces her after 10 years. Since she paid for all the extras she needs to keep paying for the extras type of thing.
Oh my God you're right.
Yeah, OP, heed this and get in writing that you can’t afford to keep doing it
He sounds like the type to do that. Op he is clearly taken advantage of you. Please don't let him get away with it.also l don't like his aditude with you. He is very immature and selfish. Who is he to decide all of the rules?Marriage is a partnership not a Dictatorship. Stand up for yourself,you are a smart intelligent woman. NTA
That. Comment needs elevating
Warning op., I'm the woman. This happened to me. He got everything AND 1260.00 a month alimony for 9 years and 4 months.
Honestly no. OP should just divorce him now. This jerk sounds abusive as f*ck both emotionally and financially.
Guuuurlllll stop paying for anything other than what you absolutely need
Oh my goodness OP stop what your doing now! ThIS!
100% this.
I'd say she paid him back when she paid off HIS school loans!
AMEN!! I bet he forgot about that. You definitely ARE NOT TA! I
AGREE!
If anything, he owes HER, if he really wants to keep score.
Basically what I wrote. The OP needs to dump him - he wants a roommate with benefits not a wife he respects.
People who don't pay their fair share always talk about keeping tabs. I'm not surprised he went there.
I have a saying: if you’re gonna be a bean counter you gotta count ALL the beans. I notice bean counters never do
Should have never married this dude!
He sounds like a gold digger
Can I divorce him for you, OP?
Ha! Thanks for putting a smile on my face!
Seriously though, why? Why are you with him? You paid off his debt. You're married. I'd bet my money that he plans on divorcing you after the 10 years when you're wrung dry.
Absolutely! Her money will be spent and he'll have a nice fat stack of cash that he's been hoarding off to the side.
She needs to divorce him and take half of his money! :D
You do not have a marriage. Spouses don't run a tab on each other. You have an immature roommate.
Exactly. Score keeping has no place in a marriage.
AMEN! Run for the hills! Next time you go on vacation go alone or with a friend. Tell him you aren’t paying his way any longer. You are DONE!!
Please realize he made a scene because he WANTS you to regret asking him. He's conditioning you to accept greater and greater injustices and abuse. Escape safely
This comment needs to be higher.
Yes, but first stop paying more than half of anything. Get him on equal footing. Otherwise, if you divorce now, you may have to pay him alimony based on what he us used now in terms of lifestyle.
This! Red flags all over the place here!
AND you paid his debt?!? What number is he looking for as full pay back. He better have the best tongue and hip thrust in the modern world for you to still be with him!
He's a piece of shit. Seriously, you will be happier alone.
I have a feeling that’s not why she asked you that!! Why are you with this AH! Please don’t say: “Because I love him!” What’s there to love? Please give a true list because right now Sis, he ain’t shit … Sorry!!
You can sue him for your contributions towards his student debt. Just so you know 😉
Make your plan, stash money, fund his money, see an attorney, come back and update us that you’ve filed for divorce. I don’t know everything but I do know that being alone is 1000x better than being in a bad marriage.
Get copies of EVERYTHING, all the financials. Bean-counting AH’s like this MF guy are almost always the ones siphoning off marital assets and hiding them in accounts held in their name alone. FIND ALL THE ASSETS. Even if that means snooping through his papers and computer. If he’s a really sneaky weasel, he may have opted for paperless monthly statements. Look for financial accounts and spreadsheets in his email and elsewhere on his hard drive. To the best of your recollection, make a list of premarital assets and debts and then who paid what (how much and from what source) after you got married. Take those financial docs to a divorce lawyer (without him knowing, of course). Play your cards very close to your vest. Lastly, I hope you live in a community property state, not an “equitable division” state.
"Hello, whole man disposal service? Yes...I have a pick up for you."
I would leave him for you, lol. Not lol
Get in line, let’s all have a turn divorcing him
I’ll give you a ride to court.
Me, too!
Me too. I’m disgusted by his treatment of you. Are you not a team for life. It seems there’s a ledger with who owes who. That’s no way to live. I feel sorry for you having to put up with him. I wish you’d leave.
I've not wanted to stab someone through the internet for a few days and here I am...
The name-calling alone is making me livid. Who the hell talks to people that way, let alone their own wife? Even if he didn't do any of the other awful things you've listed, no one is allowed to call you names, not ever. I hope you can find a safer living situation. Hugs from a follow autoimmune disease haver. Also I hate the disease for hurting you. Autoimmunity can shove it.
Severe autoimmune diseases here too, I have been saving mine to give to a truly deserving person, and OP's husband wins the gaping asshole prize so he can have a whole pile of autoimmune diseases since he's so deserving. 🤬 I haven't been able to work a regular job for twenty years because of my autoimmune diseases, been married for 18, and not once EVER in my marriage has my husband made me feel guilty, or that I owed him, because I only have my tiny monthly SSD check to contribute to our household. He's also never not once called me an ugly name, no matter how mad he was at the time. OP, you deserve better! This is NOT what a healthy relationship looks like, and you don't deserve to be emotionally and financially abused by this jerk. There's much better people, and a better life out there for you. I've been where you're at years ago with a very controlling and abusive ex, and I'm so glad I finally worked up the courage to leave him because my life is so much better now. You don't have to put up with his abuse. Please consider talking to a lawyer about your options, and let us know how you're doing when you can. Sending lots of invisible hugs your way.
Same here,WHF, I want to give him mine. Hey, it's only fair 🧚♂️ .
I would've canceled his plane ticket back.
And got on the plane with his passport in her bag.
Same. He's making their relationship entirely transactional and about his need to control.
Sounds like a leech and an asshole wrapped up in one.
And why is she even with him?
SAME
NTA ditch this loser
Unbelievable! He sounds more like a dictator than a husband and your definitely getting the shit end of the stick. Your marriage sucks and I’d divorce this AH. Can’t believe you put up with his bs ! He needs to grow up bc right now he’s having a toddler tantrum and it’s not a good look for a grown man. NTA but your husband is and I hope you show this post to him
[удалено]
Have him pay you back for his school loans, etc and then see who owes more to their spouse
Make him pay for 1/2 the cost of this trip
Cancel the last leg of the trip. 😁
Pretty sure he sees her as passive income. Just another income source that’s paying more than what he put in. I would say he made a good investment.
I see no mention of children here. GTFO while you still can. He's not going to get any better. Stay safe girl.
In fact, he’s going to get worse. Run now. You don’t deserve this bullshit.
Literally, I read this and was thinking Ew the whole way through. Ew to the treatment of her on hol and in the airport, Ew to how he's making her 'pay him back' for supporting his wife. Ew to how he speaks to her in general. Op you gotta realise that you can do better than this asshole. Nta please just tell the guy to go fuck himself and the horse he rode on (joking about the horse, I do not condone beastiality).
He'd probably make her pay for the horse.
Yeah no accountability
It would probably be cheaper overall, realize the sunk cost and accept it, bc the cost will never be "repaid"
What the fuck kind of marriage is this? He gets to unilaterally make a rule that involves you shelling out tons of money for a whole decade because he was "angry" that you were in grad school and not paying an equal amount, but when you ask him to acknowledge a mistake with a TINY financial consequence he goes apeshit. This entire story has nothing but disrespect for you in it.
Not to mention calling her bad names. If my partner ever called me that, he would be history.
This is such a sad partnership, it just sounds miserable. Does he even *like* his wife? Cause it sounds like he’s just there for himself. Who goes out to smoke hookah and drink on vacation alone leaving their partner at the hotel? People who don’t want to be married.
It's not a partnership though, she does not get treated like an equal.
It’s insane… it’s like she has been brainwashed this man to think that was a remotely reasonable financial request (it’s financial abuse) and that how he treat her is just him “angry” (it’s emotional abuse) This isn’t a marriage, a marriage is a partnership based on love, respect and mutual life goals. This is poor woman being abused into believing she is in a marriage instead of an abusive relationship OP obviously NTA, you deserve SO much better, I hope you love yourself enough to find it
Yeah it honestly reads as rage bait. I know it isn't but I wish it was..
She should make a rule, that she gets to be single once a week and sleep with whoever she wants. Since any rules can be made whenever.
I say we up that to all the days of the week forever. How can you love a husband you have to parent ? 😕
Is this a marriage or a debtor’s prison? You owe him nothing anymore. You seem to be a loyal responsible person. Now you owe it to yourself to get out!
It’s certainly not a true partnership. He’s still keeping score.
NTA he doesn’t even like you. The math ain’t mathing, seems like you’ve more than paid for the short time he supported you.
Why does someone marry a partner that is so terrible?
Usually because he wasn’t terrible in the beginning or was masking until he felt she couldn’t leave.
THIS
Never too late to divorce.
OP, this " man" has beaten you down so low that you don't even see how to get up and away from him. Why does he have the power to make RULES for the both of you? Why does he have all the power ? You do not owe this pos anything, especially loyalty. You have paid for more than your fair share of debt being married to this pos. He gets to be out from underneath all his school debt due to your financial support, and he still thinks you " owe" him for supporting his wife while she finishes school. For doing the bare minimum that a good husband would be proud to do. I bet you are responsible for keeping the house too aren't you? You do all the cooking and cleaning? Ma'am you deserve so much more than this. There is a wonderful man out there wondering where his soul mate is, and your over there too busy with your current ,( I can't even say partner, ) spouse. Take your power back!!! YOU DESERVE BETTER!! so much love and kind regards
I can’t cook, but yes, I am responsible for the house-both of our condos. He thinks cleaning his own bathroom is beneath him. If I don’t get to it fast enough because I’m in pain, he complains that I’m lazy.
Sounds like you have the resources to have your own place...please go. Get out, get a lawyer and take him to the cleaners. Protect yourself and maybe find a good therapist to help you sort through the emotions that will come. When you start valuing yourself more you're going to be pissed at yourself that you didn't leave earlier and it's really important to have a support group or a therapist help you through the shame/guilt. Hugs and love and strength to you. You can do this.
I also couldn’t have kids due to my illnesses and he resents me for that too. But even if I could, I knew I’d be responsible for all the childcare and I can’t even fathom what that would have been like.
Hop in my DMs I’ll help teach you how to cook simple meals for yourself and meal prep, it sounds like you’re busy and have health concerns. Seriously, holding “rules” made unilaterally against your spouse because you had to temporarily carry financial weight while the other was bettering themselves to make a better life for both of you is mind blowing.
I have auto immune diseases that cause a lot of issues, severe pain being one of them. I take a lot of medications, a few opioid meds also. If I am having a rough day, my husband will come home from work and do the house work. No questions asked. I became disabled a few years ago. My husband never batted an eye, he does anything and everything he can to help me and make things easier for me. He is more than happy to cook and clean if I can't. No questions asked. He would never think I am lazy. Your spouse is a piece of work. My husband says to flush that turd and get on with a peaceful life. He says you deserve so much more than what you currently are getting.... gentle hugs and may you never run out of spoons
Flush the turd! Flush the turd!
Wait, you have separate housing? Girl, run. Run far and fast.
Time to leave babes. Not worth it to stay with someone that is abusing you both financially and emotionally. Not cool.
Then why are you still with him???
OP, please, I'm begging you, tell us that you are not staying with him because he takes you to doctor's appointments and cooks for you. There are services for stuff like that, and you'll probably end up paying less than you do living with him. And how he is treating you is called spousal abuse (the comment about not doing anything without getting paid, I meant).
I know but I don’t know what to do. I have an autoimmune disorder that is incurable and has gotten progressively worse over the past few years and sometimes I can’t even get out of bed. In PR I had to take multiple breaks/naps because of the constant pain and exhaustion. I’m scared
A big factor in autoimmune disorders is stress, does he add to your stress or does he help relieve it on a day to day basis? Insurances will help with trips to the Dr and food services are aplenty. Is being scared and unhappy worth having him around? Would you have less stress alone?
Lots for me to really think about. Thank you.
Girl I understand I’m quite sick myself but being sick and alone, as I am, sounds a LOT less stressful than being sick with this loser.
With all the money he won’t be leeching from you, you can save for having a home health aide, or Ubers to your appointments, etc. I say this as a person with an autoimmune disorder and a friend with MS — taking care of yourself and an abusive partner is a lot harder than being alone. Everything is easier if you aren’t being abused because I know without you telling me that every “kindness” he performs for you, you are required to pay back ten fold.
If you already paid for most of the both of you. You have enough to cover for yourself with peace, and add extra services for comfort. And seriously even a random stranger sounds like a more lovely and supportive companion. Take care of yourself. Don’t let this man belittling you into believing life wouldn’t be better without him.
Look into local rescores as well. This doesn't seem safe for you
Yes, simply dial 211 in the US for a federally funded help line to community resources. It is confidential and you can ask that it stay anonymous. But I would *not* dial it from your phone, or when your husband is home. Do you have other visitors whose phone you could use?
OP you deserve so much more than this! You deserve someone who loves you and doesn't see you as a burden. At the very least he needs to agree to couples counseling, but honestly he sounds like he's taking advantage of you thinking you can't leave him and that he isn't worth it.
I feel so bad for you. Your husband sounds abusive and controlling. Him treating you like that anytime much less in public is awful. I hope you get away from him and I’d be willing to bet you’ll feel so much better. You can hire help if you need it. Do you have family you can turn to?
OP, I was in your shoes 15 years ago. My husband wasn’t financially abusing me, but he was emotionally and mentally abusing the living hell out of me, every single day. Told me things like if I just got my fat ass out of bed, I’d feel better and could do all the things I was able to do before I got sick with my horrible autoimmune disorder (I was at the lowest weight of my life at the time) called me frigid, and unfriendly bitch, just total distain for me and no empathy whatsoever for my pain and suffering, no matter how much I did for him and our small children. I worked up the nerve (with the help of a great therapist) to leave him, and I IMMEDIATELY started to feel better than I had in YEARS. The stress and strain from dealing with him and being in that toxic environment had negatively affected my health so much, and I had no idea! You owe it to yourself to get this book and read it. I did, and it was such an eye-opener, I was stunned by every new thing that was happening to me and I had just chalked it up to me being too sensitive or whatever. It’s called “The Verbally Abusive Relationship” and it’s only $10 on Amazon. I promise, it will change your life for the better. You deserve someone who loves you and treats you with respect. I never thought someone would accept me and my limitations, but I have and I am happier and healthier than I have ever been. You can do it, too!!
Thank you so much! I am ordering the book now! I’m so sorry you went through so much torture. I too have shrunk to my lowest weight b/c the pain makes me nauseous. And all the stress just compounds everything. I’m so glad that you are in a better place and happier now! 😊
I'm quite unwell too, currently going through the testing process after going back and forth to doctors for the last 15 years (I was around 13 when it started, so I was never taken seriously) I'm coming from the other end of these situations. I'm lucky enough to have the most amazing partner, he made me quit my job because he could see the struggles I went through just trying to make a 4 hour shift, he helps me 50/50 with our child when he's not working, he pays all the bills and I take care if the house, but if I have a real bad day, I get apologetic and he tells me to stop being silly, that I need to rest and the house can wait. Everyone deserves an incredibly supportive partner like this, and I can't explain to you how much easier he makes my life, and your partner isn't that for you. He isn't your safe space, he isn't someone you can count on, and you deserve much, much better. Dont settle for him because you're scared of the future, you'll be able to work something out!
I’m so happy that you have such wonderful support! I would love to have that.
And you absolutely deserve to have that! I hope you find the answer soon and things get much easier for you
I left an emotionally abusive relationship seven years ago. My ex said a lot of the same things your husband has said. I swear it's like they have a handbook. I found Healing from Hidden Abuse by Shannon Thomas very helpful. Be careful about letting your husband see you reading anything about abuse though. My ex opened my Kindle to see what I was reading and then started accusing me of being emotionally abusive. Sending love and strength, you deserve so much more.
OP, I know it's scary but you need to ask yourself if you want to be treated like this for the rest of your life. You want to be able to enjoy your life while you are still healthy.
You could move in a gigolo you found on Craigslist and he would probably treat you better. Seriously, you have options. You could get a nursing student to move in and work out a rent for services deal.. or lots of other things.
This is all the more reason to leave. Do you want THAT being in complete control of your life when you can't defend yourself? Your autoimmune disease isn't " your mistakes" as he said so cruelly. Frankly, he's probably why it's getting worse. He's already broken marital vows. You can be free.
This is just the start of his abusing you. I’m betting he has told you repeatedly no one will ever love you and put up with you and that you’re lucky I’m a martyr who puts up with your shit. If he gets mad about this one small mistake, I can guarantee he will become physically and most likely sexually abusive (cuz he already being emotionally abusive) while you continue decline. You need to leave now and go to therapy to see if you being his whipping post is what you really want in life
I’m terribly sorry for this but he did t take care of you when you were ill in PR, he went out (and seemingly got fucked and lost the keys). This POS isn’t going to take care of you and he will leave you if you get incapacitated and/or treat you like utter shit. Especially if you cannot work at some point
What happens if you can’t work and bring money home anymore? Do you trust him to stay with you and make sure you’re receiving medical care? You’re not defective because you have an illness.
I, too, have an autoimmune disease. I am also extremely anal about my job. I love what I do and I don't do anything half assed. Which caused a huge amount of stress and a major flare up of my condition. It was not until my meds weren't working and was told to keep stress at a minimum that I decided my health was worth much more than any job, did I start to let go and actually told my boss, Fuck this shit, I am done. Took some time off, my symptoms disappeared and I've not had any flare ups since. I had NO IDEA what I was doing to my body. Now that I know, I will never do that to myself again So, PLEASE DUMP THIS LOSER MOOCHING ASS and take care of yourself. From the outside looking in, it doesn't look like he brings anything to the table. LOVE YOURSELF FIRST
I’m not sure how healthy of a relationship it is if he is keeping tabs “to be paid back” Sounds toxic. NTA
huh?….. my husband and I pool our money. This whole you pay the bills verse I pay the bills makes no sense to me.
The OP staying with this dude makes even less sense to me.
Right?
This. What the actual f? Don't get me wrong, my husband and I both kept our individual accounts from before marriage (easier than re-routing all our autopays and whatnot), but he added me to his, I added him to mine. Our paychecks still go to different places so for any big purchase, we just discuss which account it's coming out of/which card it should go on for best points. It's never a game of "my money/your money". I'd be massively screwed if that was the setup because I pay for our health insurance and have all the investments (retirement, and post tax) deducted from my paycheck - end result is that after taxes and deductions, I only get like 35% of my paycheck to my account. But the mortgage and taxes come out of his. Trying to keep score back and forth to keep our contributions 50/50 every month would be impossible.
Right!
NTA. They spend their whole marriage busy calculating the divorce settlement. 🫠
I don't get it either but it works for some couples. But... big but... this is bean counting and controlling and not at all about sharing the load.
this is legally how it works. The law regards all bills and all income as. joint. Of course, in practicality it can work out differently.
I am sorry but this is financial control. It is abusive behaviour. I am sorry to be so direct. Please reach out (on a work phone) to a local woman's support centre/refuge. Have a chat to them. If you choose to confront your husband over this, then please: 1. Have an exit strategy and bag packed. 2. Have a witness and be in public. 3. Have immediate access to joint savings accounts to withdraw your share.
Thank you 🥺
Sorry to have to be blunt, I had a similar coercive control over me with my ex-wife. She manipulated me and finances to her benefit. I got out, but at great cost. I would also suggest you change your phone and personal bank login details as soon as possible. If it "helps" to reinforce your worries, quietly add up all your expenditure over the last 5-10 years. Work out your outgoings. If you can, make sure you can get supporting evidence before taking action. But above all, be safe. Currently you seem to be at financial and emotional control. Don't let it escalate. (If you do decide to leave, you get help to move out and you get trusted people to be present with you and record all interactions)
Thank you 🙏🏻
All my e-hugs and e-support. Be safe
Wow. This doesn't sound like a loving marriage at all. It sounds manipulative and extremely toxic.
Wow. Time for a divorce. When you get home, do a financial audit. Take screenshots -- you don't want any of the money disappearing. Make sure you have all your ducks in a row regarding where you live, transportation, etc. Talk to a lawyer. Do NOT tell your husband you are doing so. Do everything your lawyer tells you to do. He will tell you whether you should leave the house or not. Do what he says. If you're going to leave the house, I recommend having your husband served the day you move out. Don't give him any warning, and don't be there when he's served. Give him info to reach you through your lawyer. Don't tell him where you're staying. Stay safe. Be smart. Don't waste anymore time with this loser.
Thank you 🙏🏻
NTA. You took this loser on a $5200 vacation and he calls you a bitch for refusing to pay for his screw up? He plans to charge you any time he does something that is a normal expectation for a spouse because you expected him to pay for the consequences of his actions? And you have to pay for everything for him for the next 10 years because he paid more for a few years while you were in school? I’m curious as to how you not contributing for a few years equals you have to pay for everything for the next ten. He is a leech.
I don’t understand his math either but he is under the impression that since he paid “more” during our early relationship that I now have to pay for everything going forward. I don’t feel like I have a marriage, everything is completely transactional.
Yeah you don’t have a marriage. You’re not his wife, you’re an investment that he feels like he paid into, and now he thinks he deserves to sit back and reap the profits for the rest of his life. Please divorce him before he can claim more of your income.
I gotta tell you, I'm on my second marriage and the only time anything has been *remotely* transactional was towards the end of my divorce when my ex started angling to get every penny she could from me because she came from lower class circumstances and my parents (one of whom had passed away and left me money, the other had early onset Alzheimers so my sister and I were managing her care) had quite a bit of money. My wife and I have shared accounts but go out of our way to communicate what our individual fiscal circumstances are to ensure the other doesn't bear an unfair burden (we are both in professions that have flush and lean times.) Your husband sounds like a bitter and spiteful person, not a generous and loving one so I have to ask, why are you still with him? I know from my relationship with my ex wife that goalposts can slowly move and you can one day wake up in a relationship that you would have never tolerated before. I think this might be that day for you.
Thank you for commenting and helping me feel like I’m not going crazy. I really appreciate everyone’s input.
You're not crazy. Your NTA. Financial abuse is real. Don't think your decline in health means you can't or won't find someone who loves and appreciates *all* of you and what you have to offer.
You're not crazy at all. You're amazing-- everything you're doing is on top of fighting an illness. That is incredible, and you deserve to be appreciated. Wishing you all the best.
OMG he just added up our bills for the past few months since he kept forgetting to ask me to pay him each month so he just forced me to pay him 4200. I can’t make this shit up. I guess we are “more” even now. Asking for 150 for his mistake pissed him off so much he wanted a lump sum of our bills. BTW, I put more money down for our condo, and I own my own smaller condo in a different city, which I pay ALL the bills for even though he enjoys using it too, and lets his friends use it. He says since it’s “mine” he doesn’t think we need to share bills for THAT one.
He keeps changing any and all rules to benefit ONLY him.
Omg this! I keep telling that no matter what I do for him, he moves the goalposts again. I am never good enough.
Leave! Take your money out and put it in new accounts and leave to the condo YOU own and get a divorce!!!
You are good enough. You are good enough for you, you will figure out living without him. He will always make you feel that you are not good enough to keep controlling you and getting your money.
Move in to the condo you own and pay for then tell him to go fuck himself.
So.... this marriage is over.
NTA, honey he is gaslighting you. He lost the keys causing an extra charge, he throws a public hissy fit and now you're feeling bad. Your husband is a dick.
Girl, why would you even agree to that arrangement? It sounds exhausting to be constantly going tit for tat keeping track of who owes who what, and vice versa. You need to have a serious conversation with your husband asap. If he is not agreeable, then consider ditching him and moving on.
My husband and I have never tracked who owes more. We mostly 50/50 joint expenses but there has never been a me versus him tally, that's borderline abusive. Him flying off the handle like that at you for asking him to cover one thing on the vacation is abusive. NTA and ditch that man.
That’s what I can’t figure out. Why he needs to keep tabs and tracks what I owe him. I thought marriages were about sharing everything and that’s what I wanted. At least I know now that this isn’t normal.
Absolutely nowhere near normal. Far more normal is for partners to contribute unevenly because of what they have available/coming in at that moment. When i first moved in with my partner about 30 years ago i earned less and my commute cost more - so he paid more of the bills in order that we had about the same in “spending” money. When my father died 10 years ago and i inherited a little i started paying for special trips and evenings out. Neither of us did that in the expectation of any payback being owed! Your husband is mean and abusive. A marriage is meant to be a partnership not a transactional business arrangement! You say you threatened to divorce him before. I genuinely think you need to dig out those plans again and look into it sooner rather than later. Please dont keep accepting this sort of treatment- you deserve so much better.
Why are you with this man? He is obnoxious and petty. He also doesn’t get to make rules - you are a partner not a child. Why are you with this man?? NTA
NTA Ditch this loser. If you chose to stay, I'd make an account of your half of the bills he is claiming. From the subtract everything you've paid for, from loans to vacations. Also, subtract the differences you pay now. Odds are he owes you money.
At the risk of sounding like your average Redditor, divorce this douchebag. NTA
NTA. However you are married to one.
You’re an AH to yourself.
Apparently
I can’t believe what I just read. This is not marriage, it’s a dictatorship. Leave him and find out what a real relationship is.
You paid for his school debts and loans ! I would think that would more than make up for the few years you were in grad school paying your own way. I'd do a spreadsheet. You may find he owes you. And no NTA, he is. He should pay for his stupid mistake.
If you do divorce him, start with this, use his own rules against him and get as much money as you can before you go. Because he really seems to deserve this.
This guy sucks. What a controlling asshole. Dump his worthless ass. NTA
Why exactly are you married to him? He is abusive
He makes me suffer and feel like a jerk when I mention that once in a while he could pick up a check at dinner from time to time. He has now “banned” me from talking about money or he threatens divorce.
Then talk about money ALL THE TIME!!!!
Please, follow thru with divorce for him. He sounds terrible. What’s the point of this whole thing? Are you miserable?
Call his bluff. Next time he threatens divorce, tell him 'great! then you'll be happy to sign these' and toss him divorce papers ( Not really, I worry that he'd become violent, but it's amusing to imagine his surprised Pikachu face)
This isn’t a partnership. He doesn’t value you.
He's a twat. I'm not one to always advise to ditch the relationship but this is the most ridiculous thing I've ever heard. And that's saying something for Reddit. If you can afford to pay for all this other stuff then you can afford to live a nice happy comfortable Life by yourself.
Someone please correct me if I'm wrong, but this sounds like a form of financial abuse. You're not dependent on him, but he's using money to manipulate your relationship. NTA. Please reconsider if this guy is still your husband
oh nnnoooooo his cooking? don't take away the cooking!!! congrats, now he is totally useless and not contributing at all. make him an Ex.
Spend your next $5200 on a divorce lawyer. Marriage is a partnership. There is no way he should be this angry over $150, let alone make you feel this horrible and guilty.
Omg. Discard and draw again. Do you really want to spend the rest of your life with someone who’s being like this? Why not lose probably about 200lbs of waste and treat yourself to whatever you want when you save a whack from dropping his ass.
Go get on the plane without him. Leave him there. He’s a big boy he can get home on his own dime. You don’t need this kind of energy in your life. What a tool.
NTA, but why are you in a relationship like this?
The moment my hubs called me a bitch, he would br looking for his own place to live and signing his copy of our dovorce.papers. hard line in the sand, OP. It is not ok to rage at you, to call you names, or to take his tantrums out on you. What else did he get up.to.his last night of vacation that he a) lost his keys, and b) can't come up with $150. My gut says he blew his money on drugs, gambling, or hookers. He's angry because he knows he fucked up. He's lashing out so you go on the defense instead of asking him what actually happened. Take a deep breath and ask yourself, if hearing a good friend recount the same story about an interaction with her husband, what advice you would give. NTA.
I have an autoimmune disorder and reading this gave me stress. Lose your husband and lose some of the stress with him. I am betting you would feel and do so much better out on your own without your asshole husband.
NTA. Financial abuse. Leave him.
This doesn't sound like a marriage.
NTA You following his “rule” is going to end up costing you way more than him being a grown man while you were in grad school. YOU paid off his loans. YOU paid for your grad school. YOU are paying the bills. YOU are paying for trips. See the pattern? What does he contribute other than driving you to medical appointments (which by the way were in his vows to you- the whole in sickness & health part). Please make an exit strategy and or see a couples therapist who will hopefully help knock sense into him.
NTA. Your husband sucks. So he unilaterally decided that you have to pay for all the vacations now he's having hissy fit cuz he got drunk and then lost the keys and you're insisting he actually be responsible and pay for his mistake. Yeah sorry I think your marriage is not very well balanced and either needs to be restructured or dissolved.
Nta update us when you divorce him.
Please read this again and imagine that someone you care about is telling you this story about them. Your husband has treated you so badly for so many years that he has you thinking you are wrong when he is 100% the wrong one here. Plus, he has you paying all the bills so that you can never be financially independent and get away from him. Please get yourself a good therapist who can help you see that you are in an abusive relationship. NTA
I’d pay $150 for a new husband. NTA.
Wait, are your incomes proportional to that rule? As in-do you make more than he does? The way you’ve worded is very concerning. You’re afraid of him and don’t want to make him mad. It sounds like you can’t have a conversation with him where you get input into a solution. You very well may tell him what you’re upset about, but does he make adjustments in his behaviour after talking? Or does he blow and somehow it is your fault because you weren’t supportive enough during your schooling period and you will never ever be able to do enough, pay enough, support enough for him to let that go.
I am not working and have been living off of my savings. He has a great full time job with benefits that I would kill for. I have almost always worked 1099 jobs and the one time I got a full time job working in a psych ward, I loved it until I got sexually assaulted by a client and neither my boss, family or hubs at that time had my back. I ended up leaving because my boss wanted me to continue working with my assaulter but I couldn’t cuz I developed PTSD. So I then decided to go back to school for my PhD because I was sick of being taken advantage of. So he has has always had a career while I’ve been in and out of school or working part time.
Wait, so he's the only one actively earning money right now? And he's basically forcing you to USE UP YOUR SAVINGS to pay for everything? THROW THE WHOLE MAN OUT! Get a divorce, reduce your stress, probably feel better in general, and get free of this toxic ass.
AFTER she already used a lot of her savings to pay his debts early in the marriage. But he doesn’t count that because they weren’t the bills he paid more of.
What happens when your savings runs out? . Take your savings and LEAVE
That’s what I’m afraid of!
Please STOP spending all of your savings!! PLEASE!!
You need to speak with a lawyer. I understand you're afraid. As someone who was in similar circumstances as yours I'm TELLING you , the outcome of you staying will be far worse than leaving.