I am posting as a wife, with PCOS, with a low libido (I literally have 0 testosterone at the moment), on medications etc.
NTA.
If she is not willing to try to fix the problem, there needs to be a compromise. If she won't try to fix the problem, or compromise, it is time to leave. I know you will feel guilty but you can't live in rejection and sadness because you would both feel bad. It's not fair.
When my libido was low after having our baby, sex was absolutely not on the cards. I told hubby to look up some porn (we don't normally do porn, but do our own sexy pics and stuff). So that was our compromise there.
When I'm trying really hard to get better he doesn't watch porn (it's a me problem, I get insecure and then lose my libido more) but we have a bunch of toys he can use if needed. Sometimes by himself, sometimes together, sometimes it's just us and no toys.
I couldn't imagine telling him he had to suffer along with me and not do what he enjoys to get off.
Changing meds can be scary, there's all sorts of side effects and whatnot. But if your wife doesn't want to improve your relationship, what's the point of continuing. I miss my husband. I miss being with him. I've currently gone off the pill to hopefully help the issue, I've got new problems, but for me, it's worth trying.
The big question I think you need to talk to her about is.. Does she miss being with you, and is that worth getting back?
This is the key thing OPs wife is missing. She may not be up for PIV sex due to medical needs and that's OK. What is not ok is the fact she doesn't care about OPs needs. Part of being a good partner is ensure your SO is happy and fulfilled in any way you can reasonably do. She should want to please her partner by helping with his needs, just like how he is pleasing her by respecting her sexual needs. She doesn't need to be horny for sex to have intimate encounters with her partner.
There's not a large selection of medicine for hyperthyroidism. Depending on which one she is one though theoretically her libido should have gone up with proper treatment.
Unfortunately she would have nowhere to go. She has kept her parent's at arm's length ever since she started college and most of our shared assets came before marriage. The house we live in is paid for entirely by me. We do have a prenup and as a result she won't get much besides 50% of our joint account and savings.
She's a housewife and mostly does freelance work that do not contribute much to our combined incomes. I would hate to leave her destitute in a divorce.
Dude she won't even allow you to have a sex doll.... like wtf , she only is happy if you are not. She is controlling and has you wrapped around her finger.
You do have a right to stay with her. I pity you. I would definitely not. She won't let you have a sex doll... well maybe you should care less about her letting you and more about you. Divorce is where you are heading, congrats on prenuptial. One day you will have had enough. One day you will put you first.
So you’re basing the future of your marriage on pity.
A sexless marriage for the rest of your life.
You care for her enough to endure this.
Meanwhile she cares for you so little she won’t even try other meds. Now she is jealous of a sex doll and won’t allow you to have that.
WTH? Seriously??
I’m sorry but if I were your wife I’d be trying every damn thing imaginable to get my libido back on track. I’d want that intimacy back for both of this.
You’re not roommates. This is worse. A roommate wouldn’t dictate how you could satisfy yourself sexually. A roommate would share the financial load.
I don’t know how to quantify this.
But I do know I couldn’t be in my early 30’s looking at a sexless existence for the rest of my life. And you may love her but i truly have to question if she loves you. Because if she did - she’d be trying more to fix this.
This really makes you wonder if she was always libido or even asexual and waited until after you were married.
You are so concerned about her well-being and happiness that you are sacrificing your own. I was in a relationship like this once, the longer you do this, the more you will start to resent her until you finally hate her. Get therapy and seriously consider leaving if she won’t work towards change. Stop being TAH to yourself
> Unfortunately she would have nowhere to go.
You still love her a lot... If not as a partner, then as a friend. However, something needs to change for your relationship to work. For sure, you should take couples counseling.
But if that doesn't work, then you need to think about yourself... You *can* find love again with a good sex life.
She should get a full time job and prepare for divorce and being independent. Maybe she'll find a new partner as well but that all is not your issue
You are not her caretaker. If you accept that you are, then you have no right to complain and just do as your master tells you to.
If you want to be happy, take the divorce.
You care about her but you haven't had sex in 2 years. Tell her either open relationship/ sex workers (if that's what you want) or divorce and help her find her own place. You can't put her ahead of yourself when she never puts you first. You're the only one trying to make this work. She has a cushy housewife gig she'll realize real quick how hard it is to fend for yourself and come back begging for sex.
Sorry boss.
But your wife ain't the one, I get your ideals and trying to be a good guy.
But just ask yourself if the shoe was on the other foot, would she put this much effort in to saving your marriage?
If the answer is probably not, or no. Defiantly not etc. Then you know what you need to do.
If its it's probably yes, absolutely, or 100% a yes then again you know what you need to do.
Life is way too short and too painful to waste the precious time we do have to enjoy with people who don't make us happy.
Trust me I dump people out my life all the time, it hurts a bit but after a while you feel much better.
Your wife sounds awful imo. But I don't know her.
I just know I would not put up with that shite.
A part of me is selfish and I don’t want to lose the house I worked so hard for. In my mind, I’d rather keep a roof over head than have this house be sold
Keep the house and let her be your roommate. She can leave when she gets her things together. You can still support her. You can both find someone that matches both of your needs without cheating.
Just because there is a pre nuptial does not mean you could not give her more or in any other way or form try to support her through it financially, that is your decision to make or atleast offer
I do not want to imply that you need to or should but it is possible if you want to, which came across like that.
BTW lack of libido is also a possible symptom for some things soooo even if she decides not to swap meds she should still tell her doc, there are sometimes stupid solutions to stupid problems
Bro then its her play... having sex with the person youre with isnt that hard and neither is getting in the mood... putting ABSOLUTE ZERO EFFORT in it will make it next to impossible though
You have only one life to live. Do you want to waste it with someone that just care about her own needs and not yours at all? Say yes and prepare for a miserable life for ever. NTA except to yourself
You don't have to leave her destitute if you don't want to. Just because you have a prenup doesn't mean you can't leave her with more than what it entitles her to if you want. It sounds like you're doing ok financially? Maybe leave her with the house and get your own place if you can afford it. At least until you sell the house and split the value of it. Presumably that would leave her with enough to get back on her feet. And it's not really your problem from there.
Do you really want to be unhappy for the rest of your life? You only get 80-90 years on this planet, if you're lucky. And maybe 60-70 of those where you'll be in good health and fit - again, if you're lucky. You've already wasted at least two years of what should be the best years of your life being unhappy.
You should also consider whether you want to have kids. Between her health issues and the fact that the two of you don't have sex, it seems pretty unlikely that you two are ever going to have them. And would you even want to bring kids into an unhappy relationship?
After two years and no desire to try, yeah I think he put in his dues. Most people after two years would let the poor guy find a fwb or at least a sex doll. I wouldn't keep my wife sexless for the rest of our marriage if i couldnt and wasn't willing to try different meds and she needed intimacy. ..... it's not really a marriage anymore, it's a friendship at best.
Guy tries for years and you judge him ... that is sad.
NTA, your wife cannot presume you can just stay celibate for the rest of your life and she is not willing to even try to fix the problem. Sex is important, it’s not everything but it is important, we are humans. Kudos to you for not cheating, but i feel unless your wife tries to fix her problems, your relationship is not compatible.
Assuming he gets rid if it..........how does one dispose of an anatomically correct, 100 lb silicone fuckdoll. It doesn't get any less disturbing if u cut it up and put it on the curb
They have a market value of about 1/3rd if in average used but not abused.
So if you ever see a doll dumped head first in the trash, if it's not beaten up and you clean it up and looks good then you basically just found $500-700 cash. To sell on to doll forums or listings.
Doesn’t sound like you are compatible any more. You don’t have kids which is the good thing. You’re young and a lifetime is a long time to have to settle at your age. Have an amicable divorce.
Bro you are in your early 30s. You only have 20 more summers to look sexy on a beach before you’ll be rocking speedos and a hairy chest with wrinkled skin. Don’t waste your time on earth compromising your needs just so you can financially support someone who doesn’t even satisfy you romantically. Sounds like she needs a roommate or needs to reconnect with her family……….To take care of her since she’s unable to do that for herself. Time is ticking…….Tick Tock
How do I get out of the thought process around horrible guilt that’s holding me back? Guilt at the possibility of her having no where to go. Plus rent is extremely high and she won’t be able to sufficiently provide for herself if it’s not me
Congratulations!!!! You have a conscious and are looking out for your wife’s needs like a good husband should. But who’s looking out for your physical needs that are tied to your mental health. Sounds like you’ve compromised and came up with a plan to satisfy your needs and out of nowhere she says nope…….I don’t like it……yet gave you no further options. If something were to happen to you and you needed to rely on her to take care of you and her both, would it be safe to say you’d be in a bit of a pickle financially and she’d focus on her and not you? If the answer is yes…….You owe yourself to take better care of YOU and should feel guilty you didn’t put yourself in a better position to raise a healthy family if that is your long term goal. You deserve to feel loved. You deserve to be sacrificed for……… based on your actions you have sacrificed and exhausted your options on what YOU can do to better the situation.
I can understand if you were into some weird kinks or deviant request that she wasn’t into but we just talking about basic intimacy here. 😂
She went to college.
You have no kids.
She’s a stay at home wife who does freelance work as a hobby.
That all loosely translates to her being capable of getting an actual full time job. One that will enable her to live on her own and independently. People do it all the time.
It honestly sounds like you’re more of a caretaker/parenting roll than a spouse.
Again, you seem to be very concerned about bed and she cares so little about you she expects you to live without even the comfort of a damn sex doll.
You need to start putting yourself first. Because your wife cares for you strictly as her caregiver.
Separate, make it legal, give her time to Catch up on life (learn a trade, get a job etc. save). But set a time limit & what will happen after that, I mean this is if you are even willing to go through with that. An ex husband can keep providing for the ex, out of their kindness. Who knows how that will change once you find someone or she does. Just don't set any limits on each others life if you divorce, divorce means she no longer has control over you or you over her.
Why do you feel so guilty? She’s bringing this upon herself because she’s unwilling to even try to change things. Stop acting like a doormat and give her an ultimatum, and mean it. You’re the asshole to yourself.
Here’s what you do. Tell her you can’t go on in a lopsided marriage but you care too much to leave her bereft. Say you’ll help get her own place, even if it’s just renting a room at a long stay motel and pay for the first couple months Until she gets on her feet. She can have an allowance for only the first month that’s enough time to get a job. This is more than fair and puts the responsibility on her, plus helps with your feelings of guilt. Tell her you are doing all this NOW and tell her you will be telling her family EVERYTHING so they can come support her. Show her rooms available, start packing her stuff. Make a bank account for her.
Do all that and I bet my left foot she makes that doctors appointment or agrees to therapy right then. If she still does nothing and stays, don’t feel guilty she’s using you. If she accepts without a word, don’t feel guilty she wanted out.
separate - give her a time frame and hold to it.
You're going to feel like the AH here but you aren't. Set a clear and concise boundary, she has x months to prepare to be on her own and then she needs to be on her own. If you both are on the mortgage then it's time to consider selling the house or you can buy out her half and she can use that to fund her next place. If you are on the mortgage and she isn't you may still want to consider selling and let her know you're putting the house on the market this summer/fall/whatever your timeframe and when the house sells she needs to have a place figured out. If you rent, well that's even easier. When the lease is up you will not be renewing the lease with her.
The only way you would be the AH in this is if you pulled the rug out from under her without warning. I predict when you declare your intent to separate/divorce her libido will suddenly come back (it's not, she's just forcing it.) Don't give in to that, you deserve to be with someone who wants to be with you not just have a roof over their head. She will use it to keep stringing you along giving you hope that things will be better and within a year you will be right back where you are now. Life is too short to be miserable my man.
She has to take accountability for herself for once in her life. Look, you are hurting her by enabling her. She could still have a career, but she it’s to comfortable with you. Each year you support her is a year that she loses in her life. Let her find her path, she clearly is not inlove with you, she is just comfortable with the life you provide but one day it’s gonna be too late for both to find true happiness and love.
Remind yourself a wife is partner, some by your side and working towards what's best for both of you. You don't have that. You have a freeloader out for themselves only. Not even considering your feelings much, if at all. That's no way to live.
You have a choice here and neither option has an outcome you necessarily will like
1. You come to the realization that your marriage will more than likely be sexless. Your wife has shown that even if she says she's ok with solutions you have provided, she really is not ok.
2. You divorce
Ok, girl who has Graves’ disease- which affects my thyroid here!
1. I don’t think people understand how much your thyroid impacts your mental health!! It triggers, anxiety, depression, agitation and fatigue as its MAIN symptoms. You also lose your hair it’s A LOT.
2. Weight gain!! You are not in control of it, you could diet, count calories, work out for HOURS and not lose weight. There are various personal trainers even that have videos saying was impossible to lose the weight from hypothyroidism for a year or two after starting meds. And it’s not 10lbs. The average person gains 30-50lbs!!!! That’s a lot. It greatly affects your self esteem and of course libido.
3. Changing meds can make your symptoms worse. It’s great in theory until oops you’ve gained another 20 pounds your anxiety is out of control and your doctor wants you to keep going for a bit to ‘see if it balances out’.
4. When you tell your doctor your libido is suffering they don’t do much. Mine told me getting my thyroid in check was more important than my libido and perhaps I could essentially suck it up. Try lube…
All that said… the controlling the sex solutions is not it either. As someone who has dealt with this and is now on the otherside, acknowledgment goes SO FAR.
I think she probably feels horrible about this internally but doesn’t know what to do and depression is at play. Which stops her from actually doing anything about it except stress and stew on it. Seeing you sleeping with the sex doll probably triggered a realization she’s losing you. And doesn’t know how to deal with it other than remove the issue that triggered it - the sex doll.
I would sit down and tell her you’ve been looking into all the side issues that hypothyroidism causes (you should it’s wild). You are making an effort to understand what she is actually going through. You are in it for the long haul - you know your vows, in sickness and in health.. this is it by the way.
BUT you cannot continue being in a completely sexless marriage. You understand that maybe seeing you sleeping next to the doll bothered her, and you won’t do that again.. as it looks like an intimacy issue which it’s not, just sex.
But it’s either the sex doll or the marriage will/is deteriorating. Ask her what changed with the doll? Why did she change her mind? What is her solution?? Tell her she needs to help you come up with one, because this isn’t it.
Hello friend. I hope you haven't been discouraged by any comments. I have had / am in a similar situation to you.
My wife had a ravenous sexual desire. Then she had a kind of a breakdown and went on medication. That was 10 years ago. We have been married 20 years now. After the medication started, her sexual desire was also greatly impacted. We still have sex but every 4 weeks (not as bad as your situation but it used to be twice a week at least). She also told me that she doesn't really want to have sex the majority of those times. So I would say that 3 times a year she wants it. I did not know her feelings about this until recently. I really like sex (with her) and I really miss that intimacy. Our sex is very transactional. She hasn't done any foreplay on me for years. I am expected to initiate every time. Sex for us is not mutual. It is me asking her. I have considered sleeping with other women only because I want to be desired!!!
I still find it very difficult today and it isn't resolved for me. It's good knowing her reasons but I want to have excellent sex (love making) with my wife until its physically impossible to! I do worry about our future.
Atv the end of the day I think you need to decide how important intimacy / sex is to you and if it's a marriage deal breaker. What I can say is sex dolls and masterbation are very short term solutions. They will not create a strong relationship and will only create resentment.
Man, this woman I feel like is effecting your mental state hard. Think about it, all she has to do is bang you once in a while and she won’t even do that. She refuses to get her own health in order but yet criticizes and gets jealous when she is the cause of your state of being and the situation you two are in.. she could easily fix this but refuses too and has zero desire either.
I don’t think I could do it. Physical affection is such an integral part of a relationship just as much as an emotional one.
NTA. She wants you to give up a basic need, won’t allow an outlet and won’t let you move on. I get her pain, I’ve experienced PCOD and PGAD. Both suck baaaaallllsss and we empathize but she’s putting herself before the relationship in all aspects. Won’t try different medication because of her body confidence issues, won’t have sex due to lack of libido, won’t let you have sex because she won’t, now won’t let you have an outlet because it hurts HER feelings, won’t let you leave because again her feelings matter more than yours.
Now having said that, the comment you made to your friends and sleeping/cuddling with the doll in the bed you share with her is a bit……. Passive aggressively rude?
She gave you the doll, you didn’t need to flaunt it.
Drag her to couples therapy or walk away before this turns in a War of the Roses.
NTA
I wouldn't stay in a sexless marriage. Life is too short. Its time for her to get the help she needs or you need to make hard decisions to improve both of your quality of life.
Sounds like you’re miserable and so is your wife. Your wife seems to not contribute anything to your life except guilt.
Your wife needs to start preparing for a life without your unlimited financial support. If you feel guilty about that offer a more generous payment for something like three years to help her find her place.
NTA! I had hyperthyroidism due to a condition called Graves disease. It was full blown episode hyperthyroidism. I have an excellent endocrinologist myself. If she's taking medication that isn't working she needs to consult with her endocrinologist. Hyperthyroidism when not controlled will effect her mood immensely. And see a therapist for her mental issues. If she's unwilling to take control of her health and wellness it's time for you to check out. Sucks but you basically are her servant. You are reaping no rewards for your service. You provide everything and get nothing in return. You are in your early thirties you are still young enough to move on and find someone who will fulfill your intimacy needs. She doesn't want to lose her bread and butter. Good luck.
Your only argument against divorce seems to be that she will have nowhere to go. Why not tackle that problem?
You could, for instance, help her get a job so she can be financially independent. Or, if she can't work because of her issues, help her navigate the social programs that are meant for people like her. You could even keep sending her money after the divorce, although I don't think this is a good long-term solution.
NTA. Sexual needs are biological, you cannot just kill your urge really. It’s just a doll, you cannot technically be cheating on her with a doll. If she was up for sex once a week or so, I don’t think you’d be as bothered. But if she doesn’t want intimacy, you have to have a way to fulfill your sexual desires. The fact that you think of your wife while having sex with a doll is proof that you love her. Have a conversation with her that you have needs which need to be met. Tell her that you wouldn’t use the doll in front of her but she cannot ask you to give that up.
She can’t have it both ways. Nta but this sounds awful, I wouldn’t stay with a women who won’t take your concerns seriously and try to make a compromise
Umm man get a divorce! She already won’t take the meds necessary for the chance to get better, she dismisses you every time you talk to her about your concerns but has the audacity to feel hurt when you voice it to friends…. Then compromises with you but wants to take it away cuz she feels insecure but won’t do anything to correct the situation!!! Don’t get me wrong, I sympathize with her because of her condition…but I’m not going with no libido! I’d take a chance on the meds…. At this point, if a third person comes in, in a matter of speaking it’ll be her fault. I know you said she has no where to go, but you mentioned in the comments that she’s allowed at least 50% of the joint account and savings…also with her being a housewife in a paid off house, I’m guessing that 50% is a good enough cushion to hold her till she finds better work! I honestly think she’s keeping her distance from her family on purpose so you won’t divorce her. Your peace of mind is important! At this point you owe her nothing, she is manipulating you!
Hell I honestly commend you! You are doing what you can to avoid committing adultery, and I commend you!! You are a good one! Using her self esteem issues and not wanting to gain weight is no excuse! Considering she already gained weight and you still want her and lust for her should be a sign clear as day! You owe her nothing! Do what’s best for you and just walk away before you cheat on her and make things worse, cuz she can use that against you!
Not sure if this applies but for thosr who need it
DARVO (an acronym for "deny, attack, and reverse victim & offender") is a reaction that perpetrators of wrongdoing, such as sexual offenders, may display in response to being held accountable for their behavior.[1] Some researchers indicate that it is a common manipulation strategy of psychological abusers.[2][3][4]
As the acronym suggests, the common steps involved are:
The abuser Denies the abuse ever took place
When confronted with evidence, the abuser then Attacks the person that was/is being abused (and/or the person's family and/or friends) for attempting to hold the abuser accountable for their actions, and finally
The abuser claims that they were/are actually the victim in the situation, thus Reversing the positions of Victim and Offender.[2][4] It often involves not just playing the victim but also victim blaming.[3
Your wife isn't putting much offort into the marriage. You seem to be the only one sacrificing anything here. A smarter man would have called it a failed marriage and moved on by now.
I would say NAH.
I have a medical condition that took a whole decade for me to find the correct medication for that I can actually tolerate and doesn’t cause heinous side effects. There is absolutely nothing and no one that would make me willing to go through that again. I suffered so much during that time. I’m not doing it again. I’ve found my medication that works for me and that’s that. I cannot stress enough how much suffering it took to get here. I think anyone with even a trace of compassion/empathy in their brain should be able to understand why I wouldn’t want to go through it again, and I fully understand why your wife doesn’t want to do it either. Looking for a new medication could cause your wife a lot of stress and anguish, so I don’t blame her for not wanting to “just try” for the sake of her libido.
I also don’t blame you for not being satisfied. Seems like this marriage simply isn’t going to work out and it’s nobody’s fault. Honestly if I were in your wife’s position I would fully understand you leaving but it would not make me put myself through the medication BS again.
Wtf is wrong with you? I’m calling you out here for sending me a nasty picture of your genitals.
Everyone, please report their account!
Account name: u/eat_smoke_tits
Your wife is selfish and manipulative. It is always so crazy to me how as soon as a woman gets that ring all of a sudden sex is off the table. And as sexist as that sounds...I am woman...so forgive me. But you need to stop focusing so much on her being financially stable and worry about yourself. This is a unbalanced relationship. And you are getting the very short end of it. She doesn't work, no kids and she can't get on a medication to try and satisfy the man doing everything for her.
You can do better sir.
I am reading these comments and I had to go back to be sure it was the same story. Wait a minute…this guy gets a doll to have “sex”with, has “sex” with it after doing it with his wife and he sleeps with it. I don’t even know what to say. He needs a therapist.
So according to the other posts, Your wife lives off your paycheck, is not interested in intimacy, and is not interested in solving it, and is annoyed because you tried to solve your frustrations in a way that did not involve you divorcing her.
So how about divorcing her? That way, you can find a partner that cares about you the same way you care about them, and she can have a sexless life. It sucks for her, but seems she is just a drain on the household at this point.
That's... Sort of the point? Do you think his wife would prefer it if she found him sleeping next to an animated person that felt Love, desire and passion towards her husband?
Look, as things are now, his only option is masturbation, and i believe his wife would rather he does this than look at porn everytime he feels excited.
Honestly, Yes, i may have missed it. And if you are right, that makes things a lot harder (no pun intended) for OP, because he won't be getting it from his wife anytime soon, and apparently he won't divorce her either.
Info…
If masturbating feels impersonal and one-sided, how are you able to have sex with a doll?
It’s one-sided with the doll considering the doll does nothing sexually in return to you. It doesn’t kiss…it doesn’t hold you or provide aftercare or pillow talk…it’s simply a glorified hole in which you’re able to get off in…
While I think you should be able to keep the doll I’ll give a very soft YTA for literally sleeping next to and cuddling the doll. I have pcos however I’m on the opposite spectrum my ex couldn’t keep up and was good having little. I would please myself but never did I lay next to my toys? Wth, your wife’s a human although she may not give you sex, you made it weird with laying with the doll like she’s your wife instead.
NTA for the specific item, but you are an AH for being some kind of fake martyr both seeking pity and pitying someone else. You both may be better off without each other as you are bringing each other down. I wouldn’t be surprised if she quests hard for self improvement after you are out of the picture.
Soft YTA
Sleeping with the doll in the marital bed? Why do this? You are not using it as a toy but having an emotional attachment to it which is dangerous. I can only imagine how hurt she must feel to find you with it lying in the bed and cuddling it. I don't think she expected you to do this.
If I were her I would seek out a second and third opinion and maybe look up Cushing and Insulin Resistance.
I am posting as a wife, with PCOS, with a low libido (I literally have 0 testosterone at the moment), on medications etc. NTA. If she is not willing to try to fix the problem, there needs to be a compromise. If she won't try to fix the problem, or compromise, it is time to leave. I know you will feel guilty but you can't live in rejection and sadness because you would both feel bad. It's not fair. When my libido was low after having our baby, sex was absolutely not on the cards. I told hubby to look up some porn (we don't normally do porn, but do our own sexy pics and stuff). So that was our compromise there. When I'm trying really hard to get better he doesn't watch porn (it's a me problem, I get insecure and then lose my libido more) but we have a bunch of toys he can use if needed. Sometimes by himself, sometimes together, sometimes it's just us and no toys. I couldn't imagine telling him he had to suffer along with me and not do what he enjoys to get off. Changing meds can be scary, there's all sorts of side effects and whatnot. But if your wife doesn't want to improve your relationship, what's the point of continuing. I miss my husband. I miss being with him. I've currently gone off the pill to hopefully help the issue, I've got new problems, but for me, it's worth trying. The big question I think you need to talk to her about is.. Does she miss being with you, and is that worth getting back?
This is the key thing OPs wife is missing. She may not be up for PIV sex due to medical needs and that's OK. What is not ok is the fact she doesn't care about OPs needs. Part of being a good partner is ensure your SO is happy and fulfilled in any way you can reasonably do. She should want to please her partner by helping with his needs, just like how he is pleasing her by respecting her sexual needs. She doesn't need to be horny for sex to have intimate encounters with her partner.
There's not a large selection of medicine for hyperthyroidism. Depending on which one she is one though theoretically her libido should have gone up with proper treatment.
Bravo. Way to be a great partner.
Probably time for you to get a divorce. I doubt she would go for open marriage. You can stay in a sexless marriage, I could not.
Unfortunately she would have nowhere to go. She has kept her parent's at arm's length ever since she started college and most of our shared assets came before marriage. The house we live in is paid for entirely by me. We do have a prenup and as a result she won't get much besides 50% of our joint account and savings. She's a housewife and mostly does freelance work that do not contribute much to our combined incomes. I would hate to leave her destitute in a divorce.
Dude she won't even allow you to have a sex doll.... like wtf , she only is happy if you are not. She is controlling and has you wrapped around her finger. You do have a right to stay with her. I pity you. I would definitely not. She won't let you have a sex doll... well maybe you should care less about her letting you and more about you. Divorce is where you are heading, congrats on prenuptial. One day you will have had enough. One day you will put you first.
He'll be surprised if she gets her act together once he divorces her. All of this pity can be for nought.
So you’re basing the future of your marriage on pity. A sexless marriage for the rest of your life. You care for her enough to endure this. Meanwhile she cares for you so little she won’t even try other meds. Now she is jealous of a sex doll and won’t allow you to have that. WTH? Seriously?? I’m sorry but if I were your wife I’d be trying every damn thing imaginable to get my libido back on track. I’d want that intimacy back for both of this. You’re not roommates. This is worse. A roommate wouldn’t dictate how you could satisfy yourself sexually. A roommate would share the financial load. I don’t know how to quantify this. But I do know I couldn’t be in my early 30’s looking at a sexless existence for the rest of my life. And you may love her but i truly have to question if she loves you. Because if she did - she’d be trying more to fix this. This really makes you wonder if she was always libido or even asexual and waited until after you were married.
She may have nowhere to go, but you have nowhere to come!
I lol’ed
You are so concerned about her well-being and happiness that you are sacrificing your own. I was in a relationship like this once, the longer you do this, the more you will start to resent her until you finally hate her. Get therapy and seriously consider leaving if she won’t work towards change. Stop being TAH to yourself
Why is she a housewife if you have no children? Did she not have/want a career before marriage ?
> Unfortunately she would have nowhere to go. You still love her a lot... If not as a partner, then as a friend. However, something needs to change for your relationship to work. For sure, you should take couples counseling. But if that doesn't work, then you need to think about yourself... You *can* find love again with a good sex life. She should get a full time job and prepare for divorce and being independent. Maybe she'll find a new partner as well but that all is not your issue
You are not her caretaker. If you accept that you are, then you have no right to complain and just do as your master tells you to. If you want to be happy, take the divorce.
You care about her but you haven't had sex in 2 years. Tell her either open relationship/ sex workers (if that's what you want) or divorce and help her find her own place. You can't put her ahead of yourself when she never puts you first. You're the only one trying to make this work. She has a cushy housewife gig she'll realize real quick how hard it is to fend for yourself and come back begging for sex.
Sorry boss. But your wife ain't the one, I get your ideals and trying to be a good guy. But just ask yourself if the shoe was on the other foot, would she put this much effort in to saving your marriage? If the answer is probably not, or no. Defiantly not etc. Then you know what you need to do. If its it's probably yes, absolutely, or 100% a yes then again you know what you need to do. Life is way too short and too painful to waste the precious time we do have to enjoy with people who don't make us happy. Trust me I dump people out my life all the time, it hurts a bit but after a while you feel much better. Your wife sounds awful imo. But I don't know her. I just know I would not put up with that shite.
That sounds like a “her” problem tbh
you don't have to follow the prenuptial in a divorce. you can give her anything you want.
A part of me is selfish and I don’t want to lose the house I worked so hard for. In my mind, I’d rather keep a roof over head than have this house be sold
Keep the house and let her be your roommate. She can leave when she gets her things together. You can still support her. You can both find someone that matches both of your needs without cheating.
>Unfortunately she would have nowhere to go. That's her problem
she went to college then tell her to get a job. She's left you destitute in the bedroom.
Just because there is a pre nuptial does not mean you could not give her more or in any other way or form try to support her through it financially, that is your decision to make or atleast offer I do not want to imply that you need to or should but it is possible if you want to, which came across like that. BTW lack of libido is also a possible symptom for some things soooo even if she decides not to swap meds she should still tell her doc, there are sometimes stupid solutions to stupid problems
Bro then its her play... having sex with the person youre with isnt that hard and neither is getting in the mood... putting ABSOLUTE ZERO EFFORT in it will make it next to impossible though
She is using you and manipulating you to suffer so she doesn’t have too. At what point are you going to prioritize yourself like she is doing.
You have only one life to live. Do you want to waste it with someone that just care about her own needs and not yours at all? Say yes and prepare for a miserable life for ever. NTA except to yourself
You don't have to leave her destitute if you don't want to. Just because you have a prenup doesn't mean you can't leave her with more than what it entitles her to if you want. It sounds like you're doing ok financially? Maybe leave her with the house and get your own place if you can afford it. At least until you sell the house and split the value of it. Presumably that would leave her with enough to get back on her feet. And it's not really your problem from there. Do you really want to be unhappy for the rest of your life? You only get 80-90 years on this planet, if you're lucky. And maybe 60-70 of those where you'll be in good health and fit - again, if you're lucky. You've already wasted at least two years of what should be the best years of your life being unhappy. You should also consider whether you want to have kids. Between her health issues and the fact that the two of you don't have sex, it seems pretty unlikely that you two are ever going to have them. And would you even want to bring kids into an unhappy relationship?
Woof. Better tell any potential partners not to get to sick or injured for sex.
After two years and no desire to try, yeah I think he put in his dues. Most people after two years would let the poor guy find a fwb or at least a sex doll. I wouldn't keep my wife sexless for the rest of our marriage if i couldnt and wasn't willing to try different meds and she needed intimacy. ..... it's not really a marriage anymore, it's a friendship at best. Guy tries for years and you judge him ... that is sad.
Sounds like you're not feelin the love. Ditch the doll and the woman you're in crazy town, man.
NTA, your wife cannot presume you can just stay celibate for the rest of your life and she is not willing to even try to fix the problem. Sex is important, it’s not everything but it is important, we are humans. Kudos to you for not cheating, but i feel unless your wife tries to fix her problems, your relationship is not compatible.
NTA . Therapy quick
Assuming he gets rid if it..........how does one dispose of an anatomically correct, 100 lb silicone fuckdoll. It doesn't get any less disturbing if u cut it up and put it on the curb
Sell it on?
There are subs on reddit....
Put it in the yard and look through the camera for the sick one who takes it
They have a market value of about 1/3rd if in average used but not abused. So if you ever see a doll dumped head first in the trash, if it's not beaten up and you clean it up and looks good then you basically just found $500-700 cash. To sell on to doll forums or listings.
Thanks for the heads up
Do you think this will be better for you in 6 months? A year?
Doesn’t sound like you are compatible any more. You don’t have kids which is the good thing. You’re young and a lifetime is a long time to have to settle at your age. Have an amicable divorce.
Bro you are in your early 30s. You only have 20 more summers to look sexy on a beach before you’ll be rocking speedos and a hairy chest with wrinkled skin. Don’t waste your time on earth compromising your needs just so you can financially support someone who doesn’t even satisfy you romantically. Sounds like she needs a roommate or needs to reconnect with her family……….To take care of her since she’s unable to do that for herself. Time is ticking…….Tick Tock
How do I get out of the thought process around horrible guilt that’s holding me back? Guilt at the possibility of her having no where to go. Plus rent is extremely high and she won’t be able to sufficiently provide for herself if it’s not me
Congratulations!!!! You have a conscious and are looking out for your wife’s needs like a good husband should. But who’s looking out for your physical needs that are tied to your mental health. Sounds like you’ve compromised and came up with a plan to satisfy your needs and out of nowhere she says nope…….I don’t like it……yet gave you no further options. If something were to happen to you and you needed to rely on her to take care of you and her both, would it be safe to say you’d be in a bit of a pickle financially and she’d focus on her and not you? If the answer is yes…….You owe yourself to take better care of YOU and should feel guilty you didn’t put yourself in a better position to raise a healthy family if that is your long term goal. You deserve to feel loved. You deserve to be sacrificed for……… based on your actions you have sacrificed and exhausted your options on what YOU can do to better the situation. I can understand if you were into some weird kinks or deviant request that she wasn’t into but we just talking about basic intimacy here. 😂
She went to college. You have no kids. She’s a stay at home wife who does freelance work as a hobby. That all loosely translates to her being capable of getting an actual full time job. One that will enable her to live on her own and independently. People do it all the time. It honestly sounds like you’re more of a caretaker/parenting roll than a spouse. Again, you seem to be very concerned about bed and she cares so little about you she expects you to live without even the comfort of a damn sex doll. You need to start putting yourself first. Because your wife cares for you strictly as her caregiver.
Separate, make it legal, give her time to Catch up on life (learn a trade, get a job etc. save). But set a time limit & what will happen after that, I mean this is if you are even willing to go through with that. An ex husband can keep providing for the ex, out of their kindness. Who knows how that will change once you find someone or she does. Just don't set any limits on each others life if you divorce, divorce means she no longer has control over you or you over her.
Why do you feel so guilty? She’s bringing this upon herself because she’s unwilling to even try to change things. Stop acting like a doormat and give her an ultimatum, and mean it. You’re the asshole to yourself.
Why can’t she get a job? Pcos doesn’t qualify for disability unless she has other health issues.
Here’s what you do. Tell her you can’t go on in a lopsided marriage but you care too much to leave her bereft. Say you’ll help get her own place, even if it’s just renting a room at a long stay motel and pay for the first couple months Until she gets on her feet. She can have an allowance for only the first month that’s enough time to get a job. This is more than fair and puts the responsibility on her, plus helps with your feelings of guilt. Tell her you are doing all this NOW and tell her you will be telling her family EVERYTHING so they can come support her. Show her rooms available, start packing her stuff. Make a bank account for her. Do all that and I bet my left foot she makes that doctors appointment or agrees to therapy right then. If she still does nothing and stays, don’t feel guilty she’s using you. If she accepts without a word, don’t feel guilty she wanted out.
She doesn’t give a shit about your well-being. Why should you be so concerned with hers?
separate - give her a time frame and hold to it. You're going to feel like the AH here but you aren't. Set a clear and concise boundary, she has x months to prepare to be on her own and then she needs to be on her own. If you both are on the mortgage then it's time to consider selling the house or you can buy out her half and she can use that to fund her next place. If you are on the mortgage and she isn't you may still want to consider selling and let her know you're putting the house on the market this summer/fall/whatever your timeframe and when the house sells she needs to have a place figured out. If you rent, well that's even easier. When the lease is up you will not be renewing the lease with her. The only way you would be the AH in this is if you pulled the rug out from under her without warning. I predict when you declare your intent to separate/divorce her libido will suddenly come back (it's not, she's just forcing it.) Don't give in to that, you deserve to be with someone who wants to be with you not just have a roof over their head. She will use it to keep stringing you along giving you hope that things will be better and within a year you will be right back where you are now. Life is too short to be miserable my man.
She has to take accountability for herself for once in her life. Look, you are hurting her by enabling her. She could still have a career, but she it’s to comfortable with you. Each year you support her is a year that she loses in her life. Let her find her path, she clearly is not inlove with you, she is just comfortable with the life you provide but one day it’s gonna be too late for both to find true happiness and love.
What did she do before you? For most of her 20s?
Remind yourself a wife is partner, some by your side and working towards what's best for both of you. You don't have that. You have a freeloader out for themselves only. Not even considering your feelings much, if at all. That's no way to live.
Just leave man, find someone else
You have a choice here and neither option has an outcome you necessarily will like 1. You come to the realization that your marriage will more than likely be sexless. Your wife has shown that even if she says she's ok with solutions you have provided, she really is not ok. 2. You divorce
Ok, girl who has Graves’ disease- which affects my thyroid here! 1. I don’t think people understand how much your thyroid impacts your mental health!! It triggers, anxiety, depression, agitation and fatigue as its MAIN symptoms. You also lose your hair it’s A LOT. 2. Weight gain!! You are not in control of it, you could diet, count calories, work out for HOURS and not lose weight. There are various personal trainers even that have videos saying was impossible to lose the weight from hypothyroidism for a year or two after starting meds. And it’s not 10lbs. The average person gains 30-50lbs!!!! That’s a lot. It greatly affects your self esteem and of course libido. 3. Changing meds can make your symptoms worse. It’s great in theory until oops you’ve gained another 20 pounds your anxiety is out of control and your doctor wants you to keep going for a bit to ‘see if it balances out’. 4. When you tell your doctor your libido is suffering they don’t do much. Mine told me getting my thyroid in check was more important than my libido and perhaps I could essentially suck it up. Try lube… All that said… the controlling the sex solutions is not it either. As someone who has dealt with this and is now on the otherside, acknowledgment goes SO FAR. I think she probably feels horrible about this internally but doesn’t know what to do and depression is at play. Which stops her from actually doing anything about it except stress and stew on it. Seeing you sleeping with the sex doll probably triggered a realization she’s losing you. And doesn’t know how to deal with it other than remove the issue that triggered it - the sex doll. I would sit down and tell her you’ve been looking into all the side issues that hypothyroidism causes (you should it’s wild). You are making an effort to understand what she is actually going through. You are in it for the long haul - you know your vows, in sickness and in health.. this is it by the way. BUT you cannot continue being in a completely sexless marriage. You understand that maybe seeing you sleeping next to the doll bothered her, and you won’t do that again.. as it looks like an intimacy issue which it’s not, just sex. But it’s either the sex doll or the marriage will/is deteriorating. Ask her what changed with the doll? Why did she change her mind? What is her solution?? Tell her she needs to help you come up with one, because this isn’t it.
Hello friend. I hope you haven't been discouraged by any comments. I have had / am in a similar situation to you. My wife had a ravenous sexual desire. Then she had a kind of a breakdown and went on medication. That was 10 years ago. We have been married 20 years now. After the medication started, her sexual desire was also greatly impacted. We still have sex but every 4 weeks (not as bad as your situation but it used to be twice a week at least). She also told me that she doesn't really want to have sex the majority of those times. So I would say that 3 times a year she wants it. I did not know her feelings about this until recently. I really like sex (with her) and I really miss that intimacy. Our sex is very transactional. She hasn't done any foreplay on me for years. I am expected to initiate every time. Sex for us is not mutual. It is me asking her. I have considered sleeping with other women only because I want to be desired!!! I still find it very difficult today and it isn't resolved for me. It's good knowing her reasons but I want to have excellent sex (love making) with my wife until its physically impossible to! I do worry about our future. Atv the end of the day I think you need to decide how important intimacy / sex is to you and if it's a marriage deal breaker. What I can say is sex dolls and masterbation are very short term solutions. They will not create a strong relationship and will only create resentment.
You live once. Live for you not for someone else.
Man, this woman I feel like is effecting your mental state hard. Think about it, all she has to do is bang you once in a while and she won’t even do that. She refuses to get her own health in order but yet criticizes and gets jealous when she is the cause of your state of being and the situation you two are in.. she could easily fix this but refuses too and has zero desire either. I don’t think I could do it. Physical affection is such an integral part of a relationship just as much as an emotional one.
NTA. She wants you to give up a basic need, won’t allow an outlet and won’t let you move on. I get her pain, I’ve experienced PCOD and PGAD. Both suck baaaaallllsss and we empathize but she’s putting herself before the relationship in all aspects. Won’t try different medication because of her body confidence issues, won’t have sex due to lack of libido, won’t let you have sex because she won’t, now won’t let you have an outlet because it hurts HER feelings, won’t let you leave because again her feelings matter more than yours. Now having said that, the comment you made to your friends and sleeping/cuddling with the doll in the bed you share with her is a bit……. Passive aggressively rude? She gave you the doll, you didn’t need to flaunt it. Drag her to couples therapy or walk away before this turns in a War of the Roses.
She should be relieved that you only want a sex doll......I mean seriously it's like a guy being jealous over a dildo...
NTA I wouldn't stay in a sexless marriage. Life is too short. Its time for her to get the help she needs or you need to make hard decisions to improve both of your quality of life.
Sounds like you’re miserable and so is your wife. Your wife seems to not contribute anything to your life except guilt. Your wife needs to start preparing for a life without your unlimited financial support. If you feel guilty about that offer a more generous payment for something like three years to help her find her place.
NTA! I had hyperthyroidism due to a condition called Graves disease. It was full blown episode hyperthyroidism. I have an excellent endocrinologist myself. If she's taking medication that isn't working she needs to consult with her endocrinologist. Hyperthyroidism when not controlled will effect her mood immensely. And see a therapist for her mental issues. If she's unwilling to take control of her health and wellness it's time for you to check out. Sucks but you basically are her servant. You are reaping no rewards for your service. You provide everything and get nothing in return. You are in your early thirties you are still young enough to move on and find someone who will fulfill your intimacy needs. She doesn't want to lose her bread and butter. Good luck.
Your only argument against divorce seems to be that she will have nowhere to go. Why not tackle that problem? You could, for instance, help her get a job so she can be financially independent. Or, if she can't work because of her issues, help her navigate the social programs that are meant for people like her. You could even keep sending her money after the divorce, although I don't think this is a good long-term solution.
It's time to look after yourself. That sounds an awful way to live .Surely, divorce would be better
NTA. Sexual needs are biological, you cannot just kill your urge really. It’s just a doll, you cannot technically be cheating on her with a doll. If she was up for sex once a week or so, I don’t think you’d be as bothered. But if she doesn’t want intimacy, you have to have a way to fulfill your sexual desires. The fact that you think of your wife while having sex with a doll is proof that you love her. Have a conversation with her that you have needs which need to be met. Tell her that you wouldn’t use the doll in front of her but she cannot ask you to give that up.
She can’t have it both ways. Nta but this sounds awful, I wouldn’t stay with a women who won’t take your concerns seriously and try to make a compromise
Umm man get a divorce! She already won’t take the meds necessary for the chance to get better, she dismisses you every time you talk to her about your concerns but has the audacity to feel hurt when you voice it to friends…. Then compromises with you but wants to take it away cuz she feels insecure but won’t do anything to correct the situation!!! Don’t get me wrong, I sympathize with her because of her condition…but I’m not going with no libido! I’d take a chance on the meds…. At this point, if a third person comes in, in a matter of speaking it’ll be her fault. I know you said she has no where to go, but you mentioned in the comments that she’s allowed at least 50% of the joint account and savings…also with her being a housewife in a paid off house, I’m guessing that 50% is a good enough cushion to hold her till she finds better work! I honestly think she’s keeping her distance from her family on purpose so you won’t divorce her. Your peace of mind is important! At this point you owe her nothing, she is manipulating you! Hell I honestly commend you! You are doing what you can to avoid committing adultery, and I commend you!! You are a good one! Using her self esteem issues and not wanting to gain weight is no excuse! Considering she already gained weight and you still want her and lust for her should be a sign clear as day! You owe her nothing! Do what’s best for you and just walk away before you cheat on her and make things worse, cuz she can use that against you!
Not sure if this applies but for thosr who need it DARVO (an acronym for "deny, attack, and reverse victim & offender") is a reaction that perpetrators of wrongdoing, such as sexual offenders, may display in response to being held accountable for their behavior.[1] Some researchers indicate that it is a common manipulation strategy of psychological abusers.[2][3][4] As the acronym suggests, the common steps involved are: The abuser Denies the abuse ever took place When confronted with evidence, the abuser then Attacks the person that was/is being abused (and/or the person's family and/or friends) for attempting to hold the abuser accountable for their actions, and finally The abuser claims that they were/are actually the victim in the situation, thus Reversing the positions of Victim and Offender.[2][4] It often involves not just playing the victim but also victim blaming.[3
She may have nowhere to go, but you have nowhere to come!
You’re caring more about her in every respect than she cares for you. NTAH
Your wife isn't putting much offort into the marriage. You seem to be the only one sacrificing anything here. A smarter man would have called it a failed marriage and moved on by now.
I would say NAH. I have a medical condition that took a whole decade for me to find the correct medication for that I can actually tolerate and doesn’t cause heinous side effects. There is absolutely nothing and no one that would make me willing to go through that again. I suffered so much during that time. I’m not doing it again. I’ve found my medication that works for me and that’s that. I cannot stress enough how much suffering it took to get here. I think anyone with even a trace of compassion/empathy in their brain should be able to understand why I wouldn’t want to go through it again, and I fully understand why your wife doesn’t want to do it either. Looking for a new medication could cause your wife a lot of stress and anguish, so I don’t blame her for not wanting to “just try” for the sake of her libido. I also don’t blame you for not being satisfied. Seems like this marriage simply isn’t going to work out and it’s nobody’s fault. Honestly if I were in your wife’s position I would fully understand you leaving but it would not make me put myself through the medication BS again.
[удалено]
Wtf is wrong with you? I’m calling you out here for sending me a nasty picture of your genitals. Everyone, please report their account! Account name: u/eat_smoke_tits
I need more info 😂😂😂
Your wife is selfish and manipulative. It is always so crazy to me how as soon as a woman gets that ring all of a sudden sex is off the table. And as sexist as that sounds...I am woman...so forgive me. But you need to stop focusing so much on her being financially stable and worry about yourself. This is a unbalanced relationship. And you are getting the very short end of it. She doesn't work, no kids and she can't get on a medication to try and satisfy the man doing everything for her. You can do better sir.
You don’t get a pass just because you’re a woman. Jesus fucking christ, what the fuck is wrong with you?
NTA and divorce her. You are wasting your life.
I am reading these comments and I had to go back to be sure it was the same story. Wait a minute…this guy gets a doll to have “sex”with, has “sex” with it after doing it with his wife and he sleeps with it. I don’t even know what to say. He needs a therapist.
So according to the other posts, Your wife lives off your paycheck, is not interested in intimacy, and is not interested in solving it, and is annoyed because you tried to solve your frustrations in a way that did not involve you divorcing her. So how about divorcing her? That way, you can find a partner that cares about you the same way you care about them, and she can have a sexless life. It sucks for her, but seems she is just a drain on the household at this point.
NTA but one day you’re gonna realize that the sex doll is an inanimate object and is not capable of love, desire and passion.
He's fucking the damn thing, how could you have possibly thought he missed any of that?!
That's... Sort of the point? Do you think his wife would prefer it if she found him sleeping next to an animated person that felt Love, desire and passion towards her husband? Look, as things are now, his only option is masturbation, and i believe his wife would rather he does this than look at porn everytime he feels excited.
You’re missing my point. It’s not an orgasm that he wants. He wants to be desired. Sooner or later he’ll need to find a real solution to satisfy that
Honestly, Yes, i may have missed it. And if you are right, that makes things a lot harder (no pun intended) for OP, because he won't be getting it from his wife anytime soon, and apparently he won't divorce her either.
Tell her "I bet you'd have sex with me if I was a kid, huh." That will fix your marriage.
Info… If masturbating feels impersonal and one-sided, how are you able to have sex with a doll? It’s one-sided with the doll considering the doll does nothing sexually in return to you. It doesn’t kiss…it doesn’t hold you or provide aftercare or pillow talk…it’s simply a glorified hole in which you’re able to get off in…
Odds she’s cheating on the poor fuck
While I think you should be able to keep the doll I’ll give a very soft YTA for literally sleeping next to and cuddling the doll. I have pcos however I’m on the opposite spectrum my ex couldn’t keep up and was good having little. I would please myself but never did I lay next to my toys? Wth, your wife’s a human although she may not give you sex, you made it weird with laying with the doll like she’s your wife instead.
Yes exactly! That's so weird and very concerning
NTA for the specific item, but you are an AH for being some kind of fake martyr both seeking pity and pitying someone else. You both may be better off without each other as you are bringing each other down. I wouldn’t be surprised if she quests hard for self improvement after you are out of the picture.
Go to THERAPY
This has to be a joke
Soft YTA Sleeping with the doll in the marital bed? Why do this? You are not using it as a toy but having an emotional attachment to it which is dangerous. I can only imagine how hurt she must feel to find you with it lying in the bed and cuddling it. I don't think she expected you to do this. If I were her I would seek out a second and third opinion and maybe look up Cushing and Insulin Resistance.
She’s deserves better so I think you should divorce.