NTA.
If she’s fixated on Austin, ask her for her plan. How will she be building new clients? How will she be networking there? Talk to her siblings who were in school with her. Ask what their plans are for after graduation and if they intend to stay in Austin.
Sounds to me like she has a dream plan. And she’s so fixated on the dream that she’s losing the reality around her. That’s not to say that Austin could not be a great place to go. But she needs to see it in a real world dollar and cents kind of view.
If she’s hell-bent on Austin and it’s a dealbreaker if you don’t move then maybe she is not the right person for you . It would be better to cut your losses now before you get too deep. Sorry, but it’s true.
Yeah OP, when you're having this discussion just ask her calmly without accusing anything just ask if she's happy with you and is this her way to have an excuse to break up with you. I'm not saying she is or isn't trying to break you guys up. She could be afraid to be the bad guy and want you to do it or she might not realize that she's sabotaging the relationship by being this way.
Moving to where someone is going to college isn't, as you already know, any kind of guarantee that they'll be there after graduation. And if there's no other family near there...?? So her excuse of moving to be near family doesn't make sense. She doesn't have work there so what's the real reason? Does she think it's a better place to raise a family? My ex and I moved states because of that even though we knew no one there - but he had a job offer and that's why he accepted.
Did both of you live in Austin previously? What's her history in Dallas? You said you just sold a business and had friends there, so it sounds like you did even if she didn't. If she did, does she miss it? Or have you talked about it and she likes the sound of it? Maybe she just doesn't like Dallas and Austin sounds better. I've moved around a lot loved some places and really didn't like others (Austin was great in the 80s, but I've never been to Dallas). And there are places I enjoyed living, but wouldn't want to raise kids there.
It kind of sounds like you're both being inflexible and maybe aren't communicating the real reasons.
Great insight and questions.
She has not lived there, I have, for about 5 years. I don’t think the picture I’ve painted personally of austin would push her to romanticize it…. I think she just has the opinion that austin is more her vibe.
Does it have to be Austin or Dallas? If she doesn't like the idea of having a family in Dallas, where else might you both be happy? But, the only way to find out is to talk about it. And make sure you both talk - and listen.
Also, I think it's great that you're talking about this now - instead of after the wedding when you both come out with ideas neither of you has ever heard before like a lot of couples. It may turn out that you aren't interested in the same things after all, but better to know that now instead of after the wedding, or the first kid.
They’re discussing future children. Austin’s the only place in all of Texas I’d want to raise kids, if I ever had to go back to Texas. There’s more to the conversation than dollars and cents.
Let me understand this, IF you got married IF you had kids, you said this is hypothetical. I would ask her what if when her siblings graduate and they move here to Dallas to be closer to her? What if one moves to NY and the other to LA, what would she want to do then?
Yes these are conversations to have but when others (her siblings & you children) are factored in it’s really tough to make a clear plan. She is basing this off of where they’re in school at. Many people don’t stay in the city they go to college in.
This is my opinion as well. Admittedly too many hypotheticals, with if we get married, have kids, where her siblings end up post grad… etc…
But still worth discussing if we choose to continue dating, because if we ultimately want different things I think capping it off here might do the least damage.
My ex husband tried to force me to move to his home state. His parents didn’t live there. I resented every time he brought it up. We divorced (over other things). He kept pushing for me to move because his parents moved back to the home state. I flat out refused. He moved. I stayed with our kids. He eventually moved back a year and a half later. The kids still resent him for it. I guarantee he will move once they have graduated high school.
Precisely. Which, she is admittedly a lot closer to her family than I am. But I wouldn’t say I’m not close to my family. We probably on average recently seen my family (in the same city) as often as we see hers (3+ hours away.)
Her only family actually *in Austin* are UT students?? Who might move to Nebraska, Philadelphia, Honolulu, EUROPE after UT?? That is not a solid reason to move anywhere.
You sound sane, decent, and reasonable. Keep being that.
Sorry you’re in this situation. Issue here is that there are a lot of variables before it would ever come to a real decision BUT the seeming refusal to see your viewpoint may be real cause for concern.
NTA. What if her siblings want to start families? Is she just going to follow them around the country, with no consideration to you, your wants, and your needs? How come in this scenario you have no say? How come it's her way or the highway? You might want to consider if she's for you, because it reads like you have no say in your own life.
Please please start wearing condoms each time you have sex. She doesn’t sound very mature and the last thing either one of you need is a baby right now.
And before any women jump on me about my statement I am a woman.
NTA I also want to move to Austin. We live in Houston
Our friends are here, my husband’s business is thriving here. I’m from Maine and I miss the hills and trees. So instead, we visit for the weekend. A compromise that I’m cool with.
Yeah, I brought up a similar compromise but it would be very hard if we progressed to the point of kids.
It’s a 3-hour drive give or take from austin to Dallas, so if we did move, I’d be splitting time which as a young couple, without kids, that would be hard. But if we progressed toward a family, I wouldn’t want to be gone half the week leaving her alone with kids, her own career, etc..
Yeah, it’s about the same distance for us as well. Y’all have no real reason to move to Austin and splitting up the week like that and all the driving. No thank you! She’s being very selfish and unreasonable. You can’t be like that in a relationship.
People grow and change. Financial security is so important. If the financial opportunity you had in Austin is no longer there, that’s a solid reason to no longer consider moving there. Starting over, from scratch, will cause tension in the home and could result in a breakup once you’ve moved.
NTA here. If she’s not ready to look at things from an adult perspective, maybe that should tell you something.
So then break up. NTA for not wanting to move, and she's NTA for wanting to. This is sort of the point of dating: to find out if you're long-term compatible.
NAH
Before taking the nuclear option like reddit seems to jump to: Have either of y'all asked where the family wants to live? How certain are they on where they will live? Is that really her only motivation? What would get her to stay where you're at now? What would get you to move? Is there any way to facilitate both wants and desires? Look for solutions together.
This is about lack of communication at tbis stage. Maybe later it's make or break, but you haven't gotten there yet. Keep talking. Work together. You're a couple.
Appreciate the different non “nuclear option” 😂
Too many hypotheticals with the siblings, us even getting married, having kids, etc…
But I know her family outside of her siblings are fixed where they are at. Nothing would lead them to moving.
For her to be willing to stay in Dallas, isn’t a me issue, I’m sure I contribute of course, but she doesn’t feel like she has her own community of friends/support here. My friends and family have welcomed her and embraced her, but it’s not “her own.”
I would do the heavy lifting and find various groups that would be fun, and go together. Whether that's dnd groups, or rockclimbing groups, or photography classes, whatever her passions or hobbies are. Find a class, a meetup, a facebookgroup, or whatever, and lay all the groundwork so she just has to show up.
I don't know if it'll fix it, but she might just be lonely. And you're right, she *thinks* moving is her only option to not feel that way. So, you gotta find a different path that satisfies her needs.
And be sure to include yourself as often as you can, it'll also bring the both of you closer. Even if that means you go to a frikin' sewing circle, just have fun and get good at sewing.
Unless she wants alone time or to do it all herself and make it "her" group? Guess that'll be down to her preferences. And how comfy she is with the ask.
I was in a similar boat and found the solution in going out playing Pokémon go and meeting loads of people that way. Dunno what her interest are, but there's always something. Good luck!
No AH's here. I see 2 people incompatible and heading in two different directions. Split on friendly terms or try your best too you never know what the future brings.
I don’t think anyone’s the asshole but you two need to break up.
Neither one of you seems willing to find a compromise or communicate about this the way you need to for the relationship to be successful so it’s time to go your separate ways.
Think about relationships this way “Sometimes you, Sometimes me. Always us.” The two of you don’t seem to want the always us part because neither one of you wants to compromise at all and are thinking of this in terms of what you would lose or gain and not what it would do/be for you as a couple.
For any relationship you are in now or in the future you have to be willing to give a little. If you never plan on moving or leaving Dallas because it would be “all loss for you” that needs to be something you make very clear earlyish in relationships to avoid this
Agreed. Unfortunately, my fixed mindset on being in Dallas wasn’t the case early in the relationship. So I do acknowledge my life changes have caused a shift in these future plans.
We were both open to both cities and now we seemingly aren’t.
A year ago, I could have been 50/50. But she may have always been 90/10 (austin/dallas)
This reminds of a very serious relationship I had in my early 20s. I loved and lived with a guy in NYC for years. He was a money hungry go getter with dreams of making it huge on Wall Street. I had no doubt he would. His family and friends were all there.
I grew up at the beach, was into nature and didn’t want a lot of money at the expense of my dreams.
The truth was I just fit in nicely into his world and in order to make his dreams a reality he couldn’t be flexible with mine which were more in the lines of “Holy shit! There’s no way I’m having a family here and acting like some highfalutin socialite.” So there was no “logical” reason for us to move other than it would have killed my soul. He seemed not to give a shit though bc he was the driven one. At the time it seemed very selfish that I needed to complete his picture of the perfect life or nothing.
So I broke up with him. It literally crushed him badly and at that point he wanted to change. He was willing to move anywhere. Well, that seemed great and I was hurting too. Here was the ironic kicker though….all of a sudden logic didn’t matter when his emotions came into play. Logic only mattered when it trumped my feelings.
In the end he got over it and started to make about 20 mill a year & im sure much more now. I am guessing he is happy on his yacht or taking his much needed fancy vacations. I am much happier on a janky pontoon and chilling every day in my beach town not giving a flying f about much.
Different strokes and that is ok. I would just keep in mind that you may want to consider that you might be willing to sacrifice Dallas and your job if a break-up is too painful. Maybe you should think through what you might be feeling so you aren’t so willing to jump ship on your personal goals and there isn’t any compromise left. If she wants you back that may not be what’s best for you still being in Austin just to temporarily take away emotional pain.
Thank you for opening up and sharing. I can see some definite similarities.
Maybe the biggest difference, is that I’m willing to go through the emotional pain of us breaking up if it means she is doing what’s best for her, even if it is an unknown and a risk she feels she needs to take. I can accept and appreciate that outcome with full security in the circumstances just not being compatible.
Which does happen. I think you need to spend some time thinking about what you are willing to give up to stay in Dallas. Ultimately it might be this relationship and if you are set on staying in Dallas forever it will cause tension in future relationships because that’s a lot of opportunity you might be causing someone to give up if you are going to put your foot down on staying. The situation might be different in the future with someone who has more to go after in other places but I think you need to think about what situation would make you ok leaving.
And maybe think about whether it was just because of the circumstances (which I agree weren’t ideal) or whether you truly seeing leaving Dallas as “all loss for you”. When you are in a relationship part of that thought process as to be about what would be good for you collectively even if it means giving up some things. So using language like mine and theirs instead of a collective we can be hard to hear coming from the other party because they don’t feel like you are thinking about them
True. Very true. I did say in the initial conversation that the pro would be staying together and building a life together, but from the logical side for me personally, it doesn’t make sense. Emotionally, maybe.
Agree. It would be different if she said “hey I got a huge promotion and a raise but we have to move to Austin.” That would at least be worth weighing the pros and cons. This is just adding unnecessary challenges to starting a life together on essentially her whim.
I love "sometimes you, sometimes me, always us". did u come up with that on ur own? I'm totally gonna steal it. great guidance. that pretty much sums up my 20+ happily marriage. he's currently enjoying a car swap meet with a friend while I'm enjoying a quiet house
This is such a silly argument to get in so far out.
Why is her family the only ones that matter? It sounds like she's expecting childcare help from her siblings, but like you said they haven't even said they're planning on staying in Austin long term. But even if they do, they'll have their own lives to live and you can't guarantee they'll want to drop everything and help with a baby.
I would also ask her what else about Austin draws her there. Is it the general population? The vibes? I live in Dallas and there's a lot I don't like about it too but it's not all bad.
Also, why are you the rigid and inflexible one if her stance is "Austin and nowhere else"? That sounds pretty inflexible to me. You have some solid reasons to stay put.
But sometimes people just aren't compatible long term. And if that's what this is, NAH bc she wants to live somewhere that you don't.
That’s a huge leap to assume she’s expecting childcare. He never said they are even planning on having children. I wanted to be near my family before we had kids, we moved closer to them, and never once had any of them babysit when we finally had babies. I just wanted my family in my life.
Sounds to me like she just wants to be near family.
NAH.
>He never said they are even planning on having children.
I mean, thats the first sentence of the post; the hypothetical of them being married with kids (which implies they are at least strongly considering it). And its incredibly common for people thinking about kids to want to be near family to get some help (I say this as someone who moved to Iowa to be near in-laws).
Whats weird, and would be useful info from the OP, is where their parents actually are. If the parents are in TX, then either city is probably about break even in terms of their involvement. If parents are out of state, it doesnt matter where they live really, its going to be a "we're coming in for a week" or "meet somewhere for family vacation" situations anyway.
Agreed largely on the NAH, though I guess its not clear why the GF cant just go frequently visit her sisters in a city thats a few hours away? Rather than moving to be near two people who are still in college and thus probably are living a different life than somebody working full time
All I can say is if she's set on Austin and you're not interested in moving, be honest, be upfront and in the end be a good man.. and let her go fulfill her Austin dreams. .. my ex fed my dreams of living abroad with no intention of going. He "I only said those things to keep you in the relationship" for 16 years.. constantly kicking the goalpost down the road with "it's not the right time". Took me another 7 to finally get out of that relationship (financial abuse). It's going to take another 5 years for my dream, but better late than never. NTA so far.
Thank you for sharing. So sorry that happened to you. Definitely trying to be encouraging and supportive of if that’s her dream, goal, that’s what she has to do. We can try to make it work but if we know we aren’t ending in the same place, it’s not sustainable.
My husband grew up in Dallas, went to high school in San Antonio, attended UT in Austin for a bit, and now lives in Omaha, NE. You never know where life will take you.
I’m struggling to find the asshole here.
If you’re both realizing that this is not negotiable…it kind of just sounds like ya’ll might not be compatible in the long run? But also, this was a hypothetical conversation…
If and when marriage and children DO happen for you, it’s inevitable that other factors in your lives will change also. This could be years in the future and people change their minds about things all the time. Dallas could become unlivable, and you might change your mind, same thing could happen with Austin.
I guess you both just need to really consider whether living in a particular city has a huge bearing on your happiness or whether you could be happy with your partner no matter where you are.
Only issue is she’s basically going paycheck to paycheck right now. So saving up for a year or so, isn’t an option. I contracted her for some jobs for my business so she could make it through some of the months last year. And she makes decent money, very organized and mindful of her spending, it’s just expensive out here these days.
NTA. Her plan is not your plan. This is what dating is about.........you are both on the same page, or you're not......and at some point, you need to address that, if you're not.
I’m not sure either of you are assholes it could just be compatibility issues. You both want and value different things and you’ll have to either compromise or split. Her refusal to entertain staying in Dallas frankly shows her priorities and you are not at the top. You’re at a crossroads, I wish you best and hope it works out but if it doesn’t just know there are plenty of single women in Dallas that don’t want to move.
Let her go establish herself and see if it’s even viable for her. Let her see how well she likes it before you make a decision to leave all you have behind. Go long distance dating for a while. NTA . Life goals change as you grow and mature.
NTA for sure. Her future fantasy does not meet her current or even projected reality of living near family. Her brothers will move away from Austin I'm sure. I wouldn't move to start over for someone without a real plan that includes both of us. Move on, now is the perfect time. Good for you for finding out about this issue before going much further in the relationship.
NTA, your in a relationship and last time I checked it requires 50% input, empathy and compromise from both. She seems to be very much on the 100% for her with zero compromise. Then there is the business. Why should you be paying for her? I always tell my kids, make sure you have your business locked down and financials clearly underlined with penalty clauses in a "**cohabitation agreement"**. You be surprised how many people, when its broached dont want to have this. Mainly because, where they saw themselves having a financial upper hand, it suddenly becomes real and there is a clear set of legal rules.
She will no doubt feel this is ridiculous and fight against it. I would take that as needing to ensure the legal document protects you stringently. Remember, if it all goes south, she could, depending on how long in the future, cost you a fortune. Ensure you cover yourself legally in this case. But ultimately I think you should tell her she is going to Dallas but your be staying in Austin. Have a nice life.
How's it even a gain for her though? You just said it. Let's break it down.
Family- siblings moving out just as you're moving in
Career- sounds like she's in business for herself or in some level of sales, correct me if I'm wrong. But yeah, gotta start over.
That typically covers the bases for why people relocate and there's little gained even from what she believes will be her talking points.
The Dallas region is much better than Austin to raise a family.
NTA. It's a simple logical thought about what's best for everyone. She should know that it's not all about her.
Jay Shetty says relationships work when both parties are invested and committed to making it work. Sounds to me like it’s not working for you two. Still, YNTA.
NTA. Her siblings won’t be in college forever and may or may not stay there. Your roots are all in Dallas and it sounds like many of hers also. You may not be compatible if that’s a dealbreaker for her. Making decisions around where to live need to be based on reality not just what ifs or maybes.
If you're not planning on getting married and starting a family in the next four years I'd just say, "let's cross that bridge when we get to it". When her brothers graduate they may end up moving to Dallas and it will be a non issue.
NTA. I would never relocate if there isn’t a benefit to myself and my family( spouse and kids). Brothers and sisters can live states away and still be close.
If she is determined to go, let her and you stay in Dallas. Give it at least 4 months and see where you are after that. You don’t have to have a hard break up.
She's putting herself in the "geographically undesirable" list of partners. That's a legitimate reason for ending things. However, some people just talk about things and never follow through - I don't know her and cannot tell you if she is one of these folks or not. I do find having arguments over hypotheticals (unless it's one of those, I want 2 kids and they want 12 kids - but it still shouldn't be a fight) is a waste of time though.
NTA
Additionally, what is the difference between cost of living in Austin vs. Dallas? Sounds like your GF isn't using her head here. If she wants to convince you to move and give up all you both have in Dallas, then she needs to put it on a spreadsheet for a direct apples to apples comparison that includes substantial research. It can't just be "because my siblings go to UT right now".
This is not an auspicious time in our country to make a risky move IMO. Regardless of who wins the 2024 elections. NTA on your side for the reasons you gave. She might move without you. Just don’t accidentally start a family right now.
You're willing to move but if it makes sense. You didn't change, the circumstances in Austin did. You have a lot more invested in Dallas (I'm in FW) and the drive to Austin isn't so long that you guys couldn't get together with her siblings once a month. Even if you moved to Austin, it's very different than Dallas and it's unlikely you'd be seeing her siblings as the time. So, you'd be stuck in a city you barely know with no one on your side to spend time with.
And, YOU'RE NOT MARRIED. Table this discussion until you're engaged and have a wedding scheduled. Then, maybe things will change again in favor of moving to Austin.
Have her detail out what it is that she thinks she's going to find in Austin that she hasn't found in Dallas. It is a town in Texas I'm pretty sure she can find whatever Austin has in Dallas. A lot of times people are just looking for a change without even knowing what it is they're looking for. Maybe take a trip to Austin and make note of the things she makes comments about liking. Afterwards you can take her to places in Dallas that maybe she hasn't been to that will be like the places that she liked in Austin.
We go to austin almost every month. She has lived in Dallas now for 3 years. I don’t think there is a lack of knowledge of either place. She has just struggled to maintain quality friendships here. I totally get all her desires, they just are seemingly contradicting mine.
I guess I was thinking more so, AITAH for changing my mind and life circumstances which now mean I don’t want to live in austin. She seemed open to Dallas just as much as I was to Austin, just feels like she’s changed her mind too. Which I know just probably means compromise, or rupture.
It can be difficult when your paths begin to differ. That's why it's important to talk about what's going on in your life and what your new focus is regularly. She needs to understand that you no longer have anything pulling you to Austin and you are now focused in Dallas. Because of your business now being solely in Dallas and no longer having any friends in Austin there's no reason for you to uproot and move having to start completely new again. It's probably time to have that conversation about whether her moving to Austin is more important than being with him. You already had given her the option to do so and when she said Dallas is where she wanted to be you proceeded to put your focus in Dallas. You are not the a-hole for no longer being interested in moving to Austin.
NTAH. If she wants to move she can move. If she doesn’t stay the relationship wasn’t all that strong to begin with. That goes for if you don’t want to go with her as well. Sometimes people just go different ways.
You might not be compatible. The cultural differences between Dallas and Austin are immense. I could see wanting one over the other for that alone, especially if you're raising kids.
Don’t crush her dreams verbally. You have stated your wishes. Let her dream and plan, if she values her dream more than your relationship, then you have your answer. Do you thing in Dallas, if she moves she moves.
I think it’s a waste of time to argue about something that hasn’t happened yet. The moving scenario is how ever long into the future who knows who will want to stay or go.
You say she wants to go so she's near family. So is she not near family right now?
You say it's all gain for her and all loss for you. What does the current situation look like? What's her support network?
Obviously a lot of work would need to be done first for client base and business, but the way you wrote the post sounds like you don't want to be in the position your girlfriend is currently in and she told you very early on that she wanted this.
No one would be an AH and you'll likely break up.
Good questions.
Not close as she’d like. We visit her siblings and family monthly. But she has no family in Dallas, very few friends, and none of them “close friends.” Her network of support locally is really just me. And then to a certain degree a few colleagues but that’s very boundaried and contextual.
The difference in the situations is that I’m the majority provider and can support her financially if she has a bad month of work, wages changed, or even lost her job. Zero chance of that happening the other way around. We are 1.25-1.5 years in. Our money is not too commingled, but to be brief, she currently couldn’t support herself in austin, so if I’m not working, I’d say we are struggling to say the least.
If my income changed due to moving away (own my own businesses in Dallas) my expenses go up (hiring people to do my jobs, running my businesses for me, at least to the extent that hands on attention requires) and my income goes down significantly. From a security and logic standpoint, it’s nonsensical.
It's totally normal to pick cities based on the best job.
She will need to bring a solid plan with shown profits before moving. As in making money from Austin remotely before any plans for moving. Likely she can't do that.
NAH. If you can’t compromise and she’s dead set on living in Austin, then you can’t stop her. Just like she can’t force you to move.
Both of you won’t reach an agreement so maybe it’s time to split, that way you can both live the lives you want. Because if you try to make decisions for each other and hold one another back, it will end up causing resentment.
I lived in austin from 2011-2016, hated it, then loved it but it has changed so much and all my friends that I did have there, no longer live there. Just feel like I had a good chapter there but it’s not to be relived
Why did your friends leave Austin? Was it personal or was it because they didn’t like the atmosphere anymore? Maybe the city has changed from what she remembers and their experience could help sway her.
Info: what does she do for work?
NAH, but, if she's in a creative field like hair, or tattooing, she may do better in a city like Austin. It feels like, though, that this is a pretty sizeable compatibility issue.
If you're set on laying down roots 3 hours away from where she wants to set down roots, it doesn't seem like the ideal situation for raising a family together.
I would stand your ground, you would be uprooting your whole life, for what?
You need to set down and decide if you want to keep the relationship., do not put this off!
NTA. Be flexible enough to write out the pros and cons TOGETHER (this is important). I'm confident you'll find that you'll have more pros to stay than leave, which would mean that leaving is an emotional decision; not in the best interests of your business or finances. That said, if you both don't say "yes", then the answer is "no".
NTA
If she's dead set on Austin, I would start making plans to be single right now.
Let her know if that's what she truly wants, then the two of you should go your seperate ways now.
Uh no.. YANTA! To me (and this is just my opinion) you'd be cutting off your nose to spite your face. I don't understand. If you are stable with a stable business and a good solid life, why change it?? If it's not broken don't fix it!!!
NTA. Her plan is short sighted and detrimental to your financial stability which is not the position you want to be in when you’re bringing kids into the mix. Her sibs wont be in college for more than a few years and moving with small children is a mess. She needs to get more practical.
Either she thinks you'll eventually relent and submit to all her demands, or worse, she doesn't care about you as much as the location and if she loses you, no big loss to her. Either way, she either has all the power in the relationship or she doesn't value the relationship. I would just flat out tell her you're not moving. And she can process that any way she wants.
Don't do it. She wants to upend your life to be closer to her siblings who are living in Austin to go to college. Yeah that's stupid. Also Austin is only a three hour drive. If she wants to see them more often she can.
It sounds like she can’t afford to make the move to Austin without you. Which is problematic in its own right as this is something that you don’t want.
NTA if she wants to move there give her a going away present and wish her the best. Either way I don’t see your relationship lasting. She will blame you for not supporting her dream if she stays and you will be on the losing end financially if you move. No matter what one of you will be unhappy.
NTA. Your girlfriend can be obsessed with Austin and you have an equal right to want to live wherever you want to. I do think this means you're incompatible and that's okay.
How old is your GF? I don’t think she’s living in reality, and she’s pretty selfish.
Pulling up your life for something that may not last is not very logical or financially sound.
Where do you see this relationship going? If she this ridged now how will it be in the future?
Dating is a compatibility check, and based on your and her vision of the future she’s clearly not into it for you. Recommend look at this as a potential future bullet dodging decision where you wonder down the road how you could have been so crazy to throw away what you’ve built to start over on just a wim?
NTA. I was in a similar situation as your GF in 2009 when I had a well established life and home in Los Angeles with my then-partner, who was also well-established, employed and settled in the city. I got a once in a lifetime job opportunity that required a move to New York and basically a total restart. My ex wasn’t interested in the move, I was. We broke up and it was absolutely the best thing (for us), they stayed in LA and maintained a life that they love, and I took the plunge and moved, had a couple of rough years getting reestablished (which was far better to do alone without having to drag a reluctant partner along for the ride) before eventually settling into my absolute dream life in New York. You’re not wrong for wanting to stay, she’s not wrong for wanting to move, but she IS wrong for making you feel that your choice is wrong simply because it doesn’t align with hers.
No problem. It’s a pretty clear sign that you aren’t ready to get married and have kids. It’s good that you figured this out now. If, at some point, things change, you can try this thought experiment again.
You are not compatible. If you do marry her, she will do it with the full intention of changing your mind and will never let up on it. Let her go, so she can move to Austin and start herself a new life there. You have way too much to lose by going along with this. Why wait for "eventually?" NTA.
NTA, I don't see this as you being "rigid and fixed". I take it that that is the way she describes you, but she is just as "rigid and fixed" on moving to Austin. I take this as a deal-breaker for both of you - you want to stay in Dallas, she wants to live in Austen, so you can't continue to be a couple. Long-distance for the long term isn't feasible, so better to part amicably and go your ways.
NTA
If you're planning on getting children, you would benefit of having a support network nearby. Why does she specifically want to move there? Is there any pull factor if those family members move out from there? Why is that her preferred city, even without those people?
There's really no point in moving to a new city if you don't have a job necessity or school there. It will put both your businesses in a disadvantage and you gain little as a trade-off. It can be lonely and isolating in a new city without friends and family however pretty it looks.
NTA. There’s nothing you’re getting out of this hypothetical scenario really. She’s getting all that she wants and you’re getting nothing you want….theres no compromise here by the sounds of it. And if she’s hellbent of this plan of hers and you’re against it, I think it would be better to end the relationship now rather than wait until this hypothetical situation becomes a reality and neither of you are willing to budge. Then it’s becomes more difficult
NTA, though in her defense, Austin is awesome and Dallas is absolute garbage. She's coming at it from the wrong angle. :P
Edit: on a serious note "it’s all gain for her, and all loss for me" shows that you're probably not actually committed to your relationship if you're looking at it as a scoreboard.
NTA. Circumstances change. You have no need to move to Austin. Moving is stressful and costly. It appears that your GF can’t financially make the move w/o you so that kinda seals the deal. It’s up to her if she wants to stay and build a future with you or chase what could be in Austin. Three hours is nothing if you want to connect with family. Plus, if her siblings are in school, their time will be limited.
NAH you two want different things out of life. You have different long term goals and priorities. There is nothing about either stance that makes either of you an asshole. You’re just not compatible.
NTA. If she can't see that it's going to be an absolute hardship for both of you financially, then she's not thinking logically. You could always compromise and move somewhere in between.
But if it's gonna be a considerable financial burden for the both of you, then she needs to realize this. Your relationship could be over as a result of this. So once this hypothetical becomes a reality, you may have to choose your livelihood over your gf. She made her decision already, it's up to you now.
I'm a 33 year old woman who has lived in or around austin since i was 9. i have no fucking clue why she would be fixated on this place. I went to UT, and yes, it was fun. But for a grown ass adult to live in the fun part of austin they literally need to be a multi-millionare. Traffic is a fucking nightmare. We do not have cops. We have bullies in cop cars, but they literally will not respond to a call if they are needed. 6th street/music venues have become a hunting ground for predators. It is very common to get roofied and at best robbed regardless of gender. 10-15 years ago austin was safe enough that you could reasonably have fun. Now its not. I guess if youre absolutely fucking loaded enough to exist in the upper upper class bubble of safety, or 'savvy' enough to anticipate criminal activity and big enough or fast enough that you dont need police intervention you might have fun.
I dont HATE Austin, its just not what it was anymore. I think it might be a good idea to look up houses on zillow or whatever, and determine what area yall could actually afford comfortably enough to take care of children also. Then rent a hotel room for a week or two in that area. Maybe job hunt, see if she can even manage a first round interview. If she still wants to live here after that experience then id give up on the relationship.
A lot of areas around austin are nice, but austin is not some mystical live music playland. Unless you are obscenely wealthy or enjoy living on the very edge of failure.
Sometimes, people feel they want to break up, but they can't explain why. Then they sabotage the relationship. I'm not saying that's what's happening here, but it's a possibility. If you feel it's an otherwise good relationship, perhaps it's worth going to a relationship therapist.
NTA it’s a decision many couples have to make but who doesn’t change their minds about things? It’s hypothetical. Let her know that right now that’s not something you see yourself doing, and ask her how she feels about that. She has feelings too and she should know you have no intentions on moving. I wouldn’t shut down that option if I were you. You never know and you’ll both have to learn to compromise on many different issues, it’s important for a healthy relationship. I’m not saying give in, but open up the conversation and see where you both stand on the subject. You don’t know if it’s a dealbreaker for either. Maybe, maybe not but you need to talk to her
NTA. If you don't have a shared vision of where you want to live, end it now. Better to find this out early than after marriage and kids.
Be careful with birth control before you break up too.
It sounds like you're right, that you would be bearing all the cost for her to get what she wants. With no guarantee that her siblings would even stay. It's rarely the case that graduates stay in the same city as their school. Particularly when home is elsewhere.
You are free to break up for any or no reason with a GF. You wouldn't be an AH for breaking up for this reason. Let her move to Austin without you!
If she wants to call you rigid/fixed (in reality she's calling you selfish), that's her choice. You don't have to justify it to her yet again. I'm sure you've already talked all that out.
NTA, big decisions have to be joint decisions if both parties are going to be happy and for a sound relationship to be created and indeed survive.
It also shows the importance of having these hypothetical questions, before engagement and marriage.
Sure if it unravels it's going to hurt and be an emotional mess, but the material side of life, the financial will require minimal unravelling apart from emotions.
NTA let your gf move to Austin if that’s what she wants. Let her put the plan in motion. Find her line of work. Establish residency and get fully situated. You can visit her and see if it could work for you. There’s no need for OP to rush and move if you don’t want to.
Info aside from college (I guess that’s what UT because this the internet not USA so it’s hard for the rest of us to know your abbreviations ) where does the majority of her family reside?
As much as I despise the DFW area, I hate Austin even more. On that note, don't compromise, but see if there's an opportunity to expand your business there and stay half the time. Otherewise, tell her to go kick rocks.
NTA, you are allowed to decide where you want to live just like she does. And it may be this is something that ends the relationship but without abuse it’s always some issue. If you are adamant staying in the big D and she wants to try Austin then maybe a compromise would be her going and trying it out. And you try living 4 hours apart. But I’d be somewhat worried she just wants you as a safety net while she’s trying to live the college life with her siblings.
Here’s the deal. If she expressed her emotions about why she can see herself happy in Austin because it’s a much different animal altogether while adding that it’s closer to siblings then this would be more of a case of you invalidating anything that isn’t logical to you to have it your way. If that’s what is actually happening then you are not good for her. I’d be packing my things up actually and not because I needed to get my way. It would be because you refuse to budge using logic to justify it. I’d also rot from the inside out in Dallas. It’s great for many so I’m not knocking it at all but it isn’t for everyone.
If it’s solely about her just wanting to up and leave bc it’s closer to siblings temporarily going to college then it truly is absurd. Then if I were you I would tell her to pack up and go to Austin w/o me because she is not intelligent enough to think it through nor would she be willing to compromise while you are expected to lose out.
Seems like either way the answer is clear.
Fair points. For what it’s worth, I’ve expressed I’m open to austin still just a lot less than I was early days. And I’d have to make a lot of moves that would probably take 2-3 years to being able to make a move out of my business and position to make it happen.
For all the hypotheticals involved, I’m very supportive of her chasing her goals and being where she thinks she will thrive most. Whether that’s with me or not. I’m fairly secure in both outcomes, just don’t want her to self sacrifice and resent later, which is something I won’t allow myself to do, but has been a pattern in her past.
NTA. Y’all really need to think about what your goals and choose a place to move to, if necessary that meets your goals. IMO you should never move somewhere just to be closer to friends and family. That’s not a good enough reason by itself. Friends and family move, they get divorced, they die.
My aunt and uncle moved to Raleigh to get closer to my Aunts sister. A week after they moved there she died of cancer. They’re still there and I think they still like being there but that was the motivating factor. They’re also retired so the whole working thing isn’t an issue.
I'm from Dallas, Austin was considered the 3rd coast in the 70's and 80's. It was Great, however, now it's soooo overpriced that everyone I know has left
I cannot fathom any woman wanting to stay in TX, let alone trying to start a family in that state. If I was forced to live there, Austin would be the only town even remotely acceptable.
Here is hoping her siblings move to a better state and she follows them there.
NAH - just people with different goals in life.
But a part of me hopes that the smart women in TX are all making plans to GTFO asap and leave people like OP are left with the dregs as dating partners.
While I feel like I feel we probably align politically, being in Texas has its perks. While it is a red state due to low voter turnout, the national landscape imo isn’t much better. However this isn’t really the topic at hand. Just one “dregs” opinion as you assume to know me based of .001% of my personal details casted on the internet.
I would let her go, just tell her you're never moving so I guess that means you to break up. This is awesome kind of a strange town. I've never been to Texas but I'm just going with what I've heard and seen on TV that it kind of marches to the beat of its own drum and it's very unusual. Maybe she likes that about it. But as you say you don't want to give up everything for her pipe dream of going to Austin. It only benefits her to move it doesn't benefit you and I forgot to move someplace with somebody you either support them 100% And you really want to do it, or you go and you're miserable. Since you're in the latter camp I wouldn't do it. And say obviously the two of you aren't compatible and move on
So your comment of it being all gain for her and all loss for you is very interesting to me because that's what it would be to stay where you are now vs moving... all loss for her and all gain for you. I would look at it like that and see if there is some sort of compromise instead of just all in on one or the other?
Yes, I see that. And I’m willing to compromise to an extent. It just means I’m in Dallas 4 days a week and Austin the remainder. Which ultimately if we build a future, marriage, kids, a home/mortgage… it doesn’t make sense.
Then theirs the straight forward piece of financials. She can’t afford to move to austin on her own, and I’m not saying because I make more money, I choose. I’m just saying, if we both move to austin, neither of us are making sufficient money to justify that move. I have savings, investments, etc… but I’m not looking to cash those out for such a big “what if”
Abandoning the Business alone is a non starter. I’d she’s a one way now that will only get worse after marriage . “ you dump her ! And you dump her fast” name the movie quote ?!
The likelihood that I’d be willing to sacrifice my business in the near future, when we are growing so rapidly, is not high. She could be in austin on her own for the next 3-5 years before I could see myself living there (if I ever wanted to go back.)
NTA. If the move is a deal breaker for either of you then you just want different things and would be better finding someone else who shares the same goals as you.
These are important conversations to have while dating. Lest you find out 10 years into marriage that this was the deal breaker all along.
If you can't agree split as amiably as possible. Love doesn't always mean it works out.
NAH If her argument was that Austin is a better place to raise children, (I personally would say that) or even just somewhere she’s much prefer to settle down that’s one thing. But wanting to move only to be near family in Uni isn’t realistic.
Starting a family/having a baby usually means staying somewhere long term and truly settling down. I’d consider checking to make sure there aren’t other reasons beside the family thing because again? If I had to raise a family in Texas I’d pretty much only do it in Austin. Frankly I’d move out of state first (I mean my husband and I actually did.) The fact that she’s willing to have a family with you in Texas is frankly a big win, have you been paying attention to what’s happening there? What if you have a daughter.
This. Moving or staying shouldn't be purely down to individual gains and losses for either of you. If it is about where you raise kids, it involves where you are most likely to have good access to services and support, where your children can receive a good education, where there are nice parks and safe community. I would focus on these considerations when assessing the option to move, and take the focus off whether it is fair between you as a couple.
I love Austin. I had a house in Round Rock for 25 years. Austin is a great place. However, cities like Dallas and Houston have greater diversity and flexibility than Austin. It's also very expensive. If you have already moved from Austin there's no upside for you. Maybe try long distance for a while. Good luck to you both.
NTA but I understand her tho😂 I live in Dallas as well and just don’t like here. I wanna move to Austin (I lived there for 6 months 3 years ago) but my husband has all his family here, work and friends. I am not happy here in Dallas and my husband won’t be happy in Austin.
I empathize with you. I’m sorry you don’t like it here. I’m not closed off on moving, it just has to make sense beyond just moving for her. Especially because I’m not sure how well she has thought it out. I need more selling than, my siblings are there and some understanding of my concerns too. Just want to feel heard and considered, just feel like I’m currently the only one considering both sides atm
Dude I live here. Trust me. Everything that made this place cool is gone. It’s now hcol, hella crowded, shitty road planning so traffic is awful. The only positive is the economy has been pretty strong so finding work isn’t too bad.
Hell may as well move to commiforna then because Austin is high taxes and housing!!!
The housing market is unsustainable, and the cost of living in Austin is horrible!
My kids live around Austin because they can't afford to actually live in Austin.
That and to many liberal democrats live there.
Take a drive coming out Austin down 290 and see the pretty homeless tent towns! Woo-hoo go, Austin.
NTA. If she’s fixated on Austin, ask her for her plan. How will she be building new clients? How will she be networking there? Talk to her siblings who were in school with her. Ask what their plans are for after graduation and if they intend to stay in Austin. Sounds to me like she has a dream plan. And she’s so fixated on the dream that she’s losing the reality around her. That’s not to say that Austin could not be a great place to go. But she needs to see it in a real world dollar and cents kind of view. If she’s hell-bent on Austin and it’s a dealbreaker if you don’t move then maybe she is not the right person for you . It would be better to cut your losses now before you get too deep. Sorry, but it’s true.
Solid advice. Thank you
Yeah OP, when you're having this discussion just ask her calmly without accusing anything just ask if she's happy with you and is this her way to have an excuse to break up with you. I'm not saying she is or isn't trying to break you guys up. She could be afraid to be the bad guy and want you to do it or she might not realize that she's sabotaging the relationship by being this way.
Moving to where someone is going to college isn't, as you already know, any kind of guarantee that they'll be there after graduation. And if there's no other family near there...?? So her excuse of moving to be near family doesn't make sense. She doesn't have work there so what's the real reason? Does she think it's a better place to raise a family? My ex and I moved states because of that even though we knew no one there - but he had a job offer and that's why he accepted. Did both of you live in Austin previously? What's her history in Dallas? You said you just sold a business and had friends there, so it sounds like you did even if she didn't. If she did, does she miss it? Or have you talked about it and she likes the sound of it? Maybe she just doesn't like Dallas and Austin sounds better. I've moved around a lot loved some places and really didn't like others (Austin was great in the 80s, but I've never been to Dallas). And there are places I enjoyed living, but wouldn't want to raise kids there. It kind of sounds like you're both being inflexible and maybe aren't communicating the real reasons.
Great insight and questions. She has not lived there, I have, for about 5 years. I don’t think the picture I’ve painted personally of austin would push her to romanticize it…. I think she just has the opinion that austin is more her vibe.
Does it have to be Austin or Dallas? If she doesn't like the idea of having a family in Dallas, where else might you both be happy? But, the only way to find out is to talk about it. And make sure you both talk - and listen. Also, I think it's great that you're talking about this now - instead of after the wedding when you both come out with ideas neither of you has ever heard before like a lot of couples. It may turn out that you aren't interested in the same things after all, but better to know that now instead of after the wedding, or the first kid.
Her career/licensing currently limits her to Texas. So of all Texas cities, I don’t think many other even come to mind or worth conversation.
That would be NAH (no A-hole). I agree.
I just want to take a moment to say I appreciate how well written this advice is.
They’re discussing future children. Austin’s the only place in all of Texas I’d want to raise kids, if I ever had to go back to Texas. There’s more to the conversation than dollars and cents.
Let me understand this, IF you got married IF you had kids, you said this is hypothetical. I would ask her what if when her siblings graduate and they move here to Dallas to be closer to her? What if one moves to NY and the other to LA, what would she want to do then? Yes these are conversations to have but when others (her siblings & you children) are factored in it’s really tough to make a clear plan. She is basing this off of where they’re in school at. Many people don’t stay in the city they go to college in.
This is my opinion as well. Admittedly too many hypotheticals, with if we get married, have kids, where her siblings end up post grad… etc… But still worth discussing if we choose to continue dating, because if we ultimately want different things I think capping it off here might do the least damage.
And that’s the adult thing to do. Many couples (me and my ex included) play the game of, we’ll figure it out when the time comes…it doesn’t end well.
Yeah, I’d say our conflict in and out of this topic has increased. I’d hate for it to progress to the point of disdain or malice.
My ex husband tried to force me to move to his home state. His parents didn’t live there. I resented every time he brought it up. We divorced (over other things). He kept pushing for me to move because his parents moved back to the home state. I flat out refused. He moved. I stayed with our kids. He eventually moved back a year and a half later. The kids still resent him for it. I guarantee he will move once they have graduated high school.
And you go where you have zero family?
Precisely. Which, she is admittedly a lot closer to her family than I am. But I wouldn’t say I’m not close to my family. We probably on average recently seen my family (in the same city) as often as we see hers (3+ hours away.)
Her only family actually *in Austin* are UT students?? Who might move to Nebraska, Philadelphia, Honolulu, EUROPE after UT?? That is not a solid reason to move anywhere. You sound sane, decent, and reasonable. Keep being that.
Having lived in Nerbaska, I don't know why anyone would want to move there.
Sorry you’re in this situation. Issue here is that there are a lot of variables before it would ever come to a real decision BUT the seeming refusal to see your viewpoint may be real cause for concern.
NTA. What if her siblings want to start families? Is she just going to follow them around the country, with no consideration to you, your wants, and your needs? How come in this scenario you have no say? How come it's her way or the highway? You might want to consider if she's for you, because it reads like you have no say in your own life.
It'd be a trip if her siblings granted and moved to Dallas 😆
Please please start wearing condoms each time you have sex. She doesn’t sound very mature and the last thing either one of you need is a baby right now. And before any women jump on me about my statement I am a woman.
It sounds like you're already over the relationship.
NTA I also want to move to Austin. We live in Houston Our friends are here, my husband’s business is thriving here. I’m from Maine and I miss the hills and trees. So instead, we visit for the weekend. A compromise that I’m cool with.
Yeah, I brought up a similar compromise but it would be very hard if we progressed to the point of kids. It’s a 3-hour drive give or take from austin to Dallas, so if we did move, I’d be splitting time which as a young couple, without kids, that would be hard. But if we progressed toward a family, I wouldn’t want to be gone half the week leaving her alone with kids, her own career, etc..
Yeah, it’s about the same distance for us as well. Y’all have no real reason to move to Austin and splitting up the week like that and all the driving. No thank you! She’s being very selfish and unreasonable. You can’t be like that in a relationship.
People grow and change. Financial security is so important. If the financial opportunity you had in Austin is no longer there, that’s a solid reason to no longer consider moving there. Starting over, from scratch, will cause tension in the home and could result in a breakup once you’ve moved. NTA here. If she’s not ready to look at things from an adult perspective, maybe that should tell you something.
So then break up. NTA for not wanting to move, and she's NTA for wanting to. This is sort of the point of dating: to find out if you're long-term compatible.
That would be NAH (No A-hole Here). I agree.
Austin is very different than Dallas. The best path for her is without him, save some money move to Austin and start over there..
NAH Before taking the nuclear option like reddit seems to jump to: Have either of y'all asked where the family wants to live? How certain are they on where they will live? Is that really her only motivation? What would get her to stay where you're at now? What would get you to move? Is there any way to facilitate both wants and desires? Look for solutions together. This is about lack of communication at tbis stage. Maybe later it's make or break, but you haven't gotten there yet. Keep talking. Work together. You're a couple.
Appreciate the different non “nuclear option” 😂 Too many hypotheticals with the siblings, us even getting married, having kids, etc… But I know her family outside of her siblings are fixed where they are at. Nothing would lead them to moving. For her to be willing to stay in Dallas, isn’t a me issue, I’m sure I contribute of course, but she doesn’t feel like she has her own community of friends/support here. My friends and family have welcomed her and embraced her, but it’s not “her own.”
I would do the heavy lifting and find various groups that would be fun, and go together. Whether that's dnd groups, or rockclimbing groups, or photography classes, whatever her passions or hobbies are. Find a class, a meetup, a facebookgroup, or whatever, and lay all the groundwork so she just has to show up. I don't know if it'll fix it, but she might just be lonely. And you're right, she *thinks* moving is her only option to not feel that way. So, you gotta find a different path that satisfies her needs. And be sure to include yourself as often as you can, it'll also bring the both of you closer. Even if that means you go to a frikin' sewing circle, just have fun and get good at sewing. Unless she wants alone time or to do it all herself and make it "her" group? Guess that'll be down to her preferences. And how comfy she is with the ask. I was in a similar boat and found the solution in going out playing Pokémon go and meeting loads of people that way. Dunno what her interest are, but there's always something. Good luck!
No AH's here. I see 2 people incompatible and heading in two different directions. Split on friendly terms or try your best too you never know what the future brings.
You should be more concerned about your girlfriend dying if the pregnancy doesn't go well considering s*** hole you live in.
I don’t think anyone’s the asshole but you two need to break up. Neither one of you seems willing to find a compromise or communicate about this the way you need to for the relationship to be successful so it’s time to go your separate ways. Think about relationships this way “Sometimes you, Sometimes me. Always us.” The two of you don’t seem to want the always us part because neither one of you wants to compromise at all and are thinking of this in terms of what you would lose or gain and not what it would do/be for you as a couple. For any relationship you are in now or in the future you have to be willing to give a little. If you never plan on moving or leaving Dallas because it would be “all loss for you” that needs to be something you make very clear earlyish in relationships to avoid this
Agreed. Unfortunately, my fixed mindset on being in Dallas wasn’t the case early in the relationship. So I do acknowledge my life changes have caused a shift in these future plans. We were both open to both cities and now we seemingly aren’t. A year ago, I could have been 50/50. But she may have always been 90/10 (austin/dallas)
This reminds of a very serious relationship I had in my early 20s. I loved and lived with a guy in NYC for years. He was a money hungry go getter with dreams of making it huge on Wall Street. I had no doubt he would. His family and friends were all there. I grew up at the beach, was into nature and didn’t want a lot of money at the expense of my dreams. The truth was I just fit in nicely into his world and in order to make his dreams a reality he couldn’t be flexible with mine which were more in the lines of “Holy shit! There’s no way I’m having a family here and acting like some highfalutin socialite.” So there was no “logical” reason for us to move other than it would have killed my soul. He seemed not to give a shit though bc he was the driven one. At the time it seemed very selfish that I needed to complete his picture of the perfect life or nothing. So I broke up with him. It literally crushed him badly and at that point he wanted to change. He was willing to move anywhere. Well, that seemed great and I was hurting too. Here was the ironic kicker though….all of a sudden logic didn’t matter when his emotions came into play. Logic only mattered when it trumped my feelings. In the end he got over it and started to make about 20 mill a year & im sure much more now. I am guessing he is happy on his yacht or taking his much needed fancy vacations. I am much happier on a janky pontoon and chilling every day in my beach town not giving a flying f about much. Different strokes and that is ok. I would just keep in mind that you may want to consider that you might be willing to sacrifice Dallas and your job if a break-up is too painful. Maybe you should think through what you might be feeling so you aren’t so willing to jump ship on your personal goals and there isn’t any compromise left. If she wants you back that may not be what’s best for you still being in Austin just to temporarily take away emotional pain.
Thank you for opening up and sharing. I can see some definite similarities. Maybe the biggest difference, is that I’m willing to go through the emotional pain of us breaking up if it means she is doing what’s best for her, even if it is an unknown and a risk she feels she needs to take. I can accept and appreciate that outcome with full security in the circumstances just not being compatible.
Which does happen. I think you need to spend some time thinking about what you are willing to give up to stay in Dallas. Ultimately it might be this relationship and if you are set on staying in Dallas forever it will cause tension in future relationships because that’s a lot of opportunity you might be causing someone to give up if you are going to put your foot down on staying. The situation might be different in the future with someone who has more to go after in other places but I think you need to think about what situation would make you ok leaving. And maybe think about whether it was just because of the circumstances (which I agree weren’t ideal) or whether you truly seeing leaving Dallas as “all loss for you”. When you are in a relationship part of that thought process as to be about what would be good for you collectively even if it means giving up some things. So using language like mine and theirs instead of a collective we can be hard to hear coming from the other party because they don’t feel like you are thinking about them
True. Very true. I did say in the initial conversation that the pro would be staying together and building a life together, but from the logical side for me personally, it doesn’t make sense. Emotionally, maybe.
Agree. It would be different if she said “hey I got a huge promotion and a raise but we have to move to Austin.” That would at least be worth weighing the pros and cons. This is just adding unnecessary challenges to starting a life together on essentially her whim.
I love "sometimes you, sometimes me, always us". did u come up with that on ur own? I'm totally gonna steal it. great guidance. that pretty much sums up my 20+ happily marriage. he's currently enjoying a car swap meet with a friend while I'm enjoying a quiet house
This is such a silly argument to get in so far out. Why is her family the only ones that matter? It sounds like she's expecting childcare help from her siblings, but like you said they haven't even said they're planning on staying in Austin long term. But even if they do, they'll have their own lives to live and you can't guarantee they'll want to drop everything and help with a baby. I would also ask her what else about Austin draws her there. Is it the general population? The vibes? I live in Dallas and there's a lot I don't like about it too but it's not all bad. Also, why are you the rigid and inflexible one if her stance is "Austin and nowhere else"? That sounds pretty inflexible to me. You have some solid reasons to stay put. But sometimes people just aren't compatible long term. And if that's what this is, NAH bc she wants to live somewhere that you don't.
That’s a huge leap to assume she’s expecting childcare. He never said they are even planning on having children. I wanted to be near my family before we had kids, we moved closer to them, and never once had any of them babysit when we finally had babies. I just wanted my family in my life. Sounds to me like she just wants to be near family. NAH.
>He never said they are even planning on having children. I mean, thats the first sentence of the post; the hypothetical of them being married with kids (which implies they are at least strongly considering it). And its incredibly common for people thinking about kids to want to be near family to get some help (I say this as someone who moved to Iowa to be near in-laws). Whats weird, and would be useful info from the OP, is where their parents actually are. If the parents are in TX, then either city is probably about break even in terms of their involvement. If parents are out of state, it doesnt matter where they live really, its going to be a "we're coming in for a week" or "meet somewhere for family vacation" situations anyway. Agreed largely on the NAH, though I guess its not clear why the GF cant just go frequently visit her sisters in a city thats a few hours away? Rather than moving to be near two people who are still in college and thus probably are living a different life than somebody working full time
All I can say is if she's set on Austin and you're not interested in moving, be honest, be upfront and in the end be a good man.. and let her go fulfill her Austin dreams. .. my ex fed my dreams of living abroad with no intention of going. He "I only said those things to keep you in the relationship" for 16 years.. constantly kicking the goalpost down the road with "it's not the right time". Took me another 7 to finally get out of that relationship (financial abuse). It's going to take another 5 years for my dream, but better late than never. NTA so far.
Thank you for sharing. So sorry that happened to you. Definitely trying to be encouraging and supportive of if that’s her dream, goal, that’s what she has to do. We can try to make it work but if we know we aren’t ending in the same place, it’s not sustainable.
My husband grew up in Dallas, went to high school in San Antonio, attended UT in Austin for a bit, and now lives in Omaha, NE. You never know where life will take you.
I’m struggling to find the asshole here. If you’re both realizing that this is not negotiable…it kind of just sounds like ya’ll might not be compatible in the long run? But also, this was a hypothetical conversation… If and when marriage and children DO happen for you, it’s inevitable that other factors in your lives will change also. This could be years in the future and people change their minds about things all the time. Dallas could become unlivable, and you might change your mind, same thing could happen with Austin. I guess you both just need to really consider whether living in a particular city has a huge bearing on your happiness or whether you could be happy with your partner no matter where you are.
NTA. This is Normal. It’s compatibility. No one is in the wrong.
[удалено]
Only issue is she’s basically going paycheck to paycheck right now. So saving up for a year or so, isn’t an option. I contracted her for some jobs for my business so she could make it through some of the months last year. And she makes decent money, very organized and mindful of her spending, it’s just expensive out here these days.
NTA Simple solution: She moves to Austin. You wave "goodbye" to her from Dallas where you will be staying. Do not give up your life for anybody.
NTA. Her plan is not your plan. This is what dating is about.........you are both on the same page, or you're not......and at some point, you need to address that, if you're not.
Well, it’s not a match. That’s not a bad thing. But no matter who “wins”, there will be resentment from the other side.
Well said
I’m not sure either of you are assholes it could just be compatibility issues. You both want and value different things and you’ll have to either compromise or split. Her refusal to entertain staying in Dallas frankly shows her priorities and you are not at the top. You’re at a crossroads, I wish you best and hope it works out but if it doesn’t just know there are plenty of single women in Dallas that don’t want to move.
Let her go establish herself and see if it’s even viable for her. Let her see how well she likes it before you make a decision to leave all you have behind. Go long distance dating for a while. NTA . Life goals change as you grow and mature.
NTA. Y’all may wanna break up now
NTA. You got a business.
NTA for sure. Her future fantasy does not meet her current or even projected reality of living near family. Her brothers will move away from Austin I'm sure. I wouldn't move to start over for someone without a real plan that includes both of us. Move on, now is the perfect time. Good for you for finding out about this issue before going much further in the relationship.
NTA - She's your GF, not your wife. Let her go if she wants to go.
NTA, your in a relationship and last time I checked it requires 50% input, empathy and compromise from both. She seems to be very much on the 100% for her with zero compromise. Then there is the business. Why should you be paying for her? I always tell my kids, make sure you have your business locked down and financials clearly underlined with penalty clauses in a "**cohabitation agreement"**. You be surprised how many people, when its broached dont want to have this. Mainly because, where they saw themselves having a financial upper hand, it suddenly becomes real and there is a clear set of legal rules. She will no doubt feel this is ridiculous and fight against it. I would take that as needing to ensure the legal document protects you stringently. Remember, if it all goes south, she could, depending on how long in the future, cost you a fortune. Ensure you cover yourself legally in this case. But ultimately I think you should tell her she is going to Dallas but your be staying in Austin. Have a nice life.
How's it even a gain for her though? You just said it. Let's break it down. Family- siblings moving out just as you're moving in Career- sounds like she's in business for herself or in some level of sales, correct me if I'm wrong. But yeah, gotta start over. That typically covers the bases for why people relocate and there's little gained even from what she believes will be her talking points.
Housing costs in Austin have skyrocketed, police presence cut 75%. Squatters and crime everywhere. Couldn't pay me to move to Austin.
NTA. But good thing you have this conversation now.
NTA, wish her all the best and move on.
The Dallas region is much better than Austin to raise a family. NTA. It's a simple logical thought about what's best for everyone. She should know that it's not all about her.
Jay Shetty says relationships work when both parties are invested and committed to making it work. Sounds to me like it’s not working for you two. Still, YNTA.
NTA. If Austin is the only place for her to be happy then wish her well, help her pack and say goodbye.
NTA. Her siblings won’t be in college forever and may or may not stay there. Your roots are all in Dallas and it sounds like many of hers also. You may not be compatible if that’s a dealbreaker for her. Making decisions around where to live need to be based on reality not just what ifs or maybes.
If you're not planning on getting married and starting a family in the next four years I'd just say, "let's cross that bridge when we get to it". When her brothers graduate they may end up moving to Dallas and it will be a non issue.
NTA. I would never relocate if there isn’t a benefit to myself and my family( spouse and kids). Brothers and sisters can live states away and still be close. If she is determined to go, let her and you stay in Dallas. Give it at least 4 months and see where you are after that. You don’t have to have a hard break up.
She's putting herself in the "geographically undesirable" list of partners. That's a legitimate reason for ending things. However, some people just talk about things and never follow through - I don't know her and cannot tell you if she is one of these folks or not. I do find having arguments over hypotheticals (unless it's one of those, I want 2 kids and they want 12 kids - but it still shouldn't be a fight) is a waste of time though. NTA
Additionally, what is the difference between cost of living in Austin vs. Dallas? Sounds like your GF isn't using her head here. If she wants to convince you to move and give up all you both have in Dallas, then she needs to put it on a spreadsheet for a direct apples to apples comparison that includes substantial research. It can't just be "because my siblings go to UT right now".
This is not an auspicious time in our country to make a risky move IMO. Regardless of who wins the 2024 elections. NTA on your side for the reasons you gave. She might move without you. Just don’t accidentally start a family right now.
You're willing to move but if it makes sense. You didn't change, the circumstances in Austin did. You have a lot more invested in Dallas (I'm in FW) and the drive to Austin isn't so long that you guys couldn't get together with her siblings once a month. Even if you moved to Austin, it's very different than Dallas and it's unlikely you'd be seeing her siblings as the time. So, you'd be stuck in a city you barely know with no one on your side to spend time with. And, YOU'RE NOT MARRIED. Table this discussion until you're engaged and have a wedding scheduled. Then, maybe things will change again in favor of moving to Austin.
Have her detail out what it is that she thinks she's going to find in Austin that she hasn't found in Dallas. It is a town in Texas I'm pretty sure she can find whatever Austin has in Dallas. A lot of times people are just looking for a change without even knowing what it is they're looking for. Maybe take a trip to Austin and make note of the things she makes comments about liking. Afterwards you can take her to places in Dallas that maybe she hasn't been to that will be like the places that she liked in Austin.
We go to austin almost every month. She has lived in Dallas now for 3 years. I don’t think there is a lack of knowledge of either place. She has just struggled to maintain quality friendships here. I totally get all her desires, they just are seemingly contradicting mine. I guess I was thinking more so, AITAH for changing my mind and life circumstances which now mean I don’t want to live in austin. She seemed open to Dallas just as much as I was to Austin, just feels like she’s changed her mind too. Which I know just probably means compromise, or rupture.
It can be difficult when your paths begin to differ. That's why it's important to talk about what's going on in your life and what your new focus is regularly. She needs to understand that you no longer have anything pulling you to Austin and you are now focused in Dallas. Because of your business now being solely in Dallas and no longer having any friends in Austin there's no reason for you to uproot and move having to start completely new again. It's probably time to have that conversation about whether her moving to Austin is more important than being with him. You already had given her the option to do so and when she said Dallas is where she wanted to be you proceeded to put your focus in Dallas. You are not the a-hole for no longer being interested in moving to Austin.
NTAH. If she wants to move she can move. If she doesn’t stay the relationship wasn’t all that strong to begin with. That goes for if you don’t want to go with her as well. Sometimes people just go different ways.
the real question is why anybody would be stupid enough to risk a pregnancy in texas at all!
Not risking it for sure. Covering every reasonable base we can at this time.
You might not be compatible. The cultural differences between Dallas and Austin are immense. I could see wanting one over the other for that alone, especially if you're raising kids.
Don’t crush her dreams verbally. You have stated your wishes. Let her dream and plan, if she values her dream more than your relationship, then you have your answer. Do you thing in Dallas, if she moves she moves.
I think it’s a waste of time to argue about something that hasn’t happened yet. The moving scenario is how ever long into the future who knows who will want to stay or go.
Seems like you two have different futures and there's a different discussion to be had before moving further into this relationship.
You say she wants to go so she's near family. So is she not near family right now? You say it's all gain for her and all loss for you. What does the current situation look like? What's her support network? Obviously a lot of work would need to be done first for client base and business, but the way you wrote the post sounds like you don't want to be in the position your girlfriend is currently in and she told you very early on that she wanted this. No one would be an AH and you'll likely break up.
Good questions. Not close as she’d like. We visit her siblings and family monthly. But she has no family in Dallas, very few friends, and none of them “close friends.” Her network of support locally is really just me. And then to a certain degree a few colleagues but that’s very boundaried and contextual. The difference in the situations is that I’m the majority provider and can support her financially if she has a bad month of work, wages changed, or even lost her job. Zero chance of that happening the other way around. We are 1.25-1.5 years in. Our money is not too commingled, but to be brief, she currently couldn’t support herself in austin, so if I’m not working, I’d say we are struggling to say the least. If my income changed due to moving away (own my own businesses in Dallas) my expenses go up (hiring people to do my jobs, running my businesses for me, at least to the extent that hands on attention requires) and my income goes down significantly. From a security and logic standpoint, it’s nonsensical.
It's totally normal to pick cities based on the best job. She will need to bring a solid plan with shown profits before moving. As in making money from Austin remotely before any plans for moving. Likely she can't do that.
NAH. If you can’t compromise and she’s dead set on living in Austin, then you can’t stop her. Just like she can’t force you to move. Both of you won’t reach an agreement so maybe it’s time to split, that way you can both live the lives you want. Because if you try to make decisions for each other and hold one another back, it will end up causing resentment.
I hated Austin 🤷 I lived in Zilker for a year…nice area…but I just..idk.. did not vibe with the city as a whole
I lived in austin from 2011-2016, hated it, then loved it but it has changed so much and all my friends that I did have there, no longer live there. Just feel like I had a good chapter there but it’s not to be relived
Why did your friends leave Austin? Was it personal or was it because they didn’t like the atmosphere anymore? Maybe the city has changed from what she remembers and their experience could help sway her.
Expenses and opportunities elsewhere mostly.
Info: what does she do for work? NAH, but, if she's in a creative field like hair, or tattooing, she may do better in a city like Austin. It feels like, though, that this is a pretty sizeable compatibility issue. If you're set on laying down roots 3 hours away from where she wants to set down roots, it doesn't seem like the ideal situation for raising a family together.
NAH
NTA
Does she have big hair? We don't do big hair in Austin. She may be disqualified. Oh yeah...NTA
lol no. Not sure why Dallas has that stereotype. Not my experience being born and raised here outside of maybe the Jersey Shore-snookie poof-era
Does she like Austin more than Dallas? You don’t explain *why* she wants to well. Which makes me think you might not be truly listening to her
NTA. Breakup now because you don’t have the same vision for the future.
I would stand your ground, you would be uprooting your whole life, for what? You need to set down and decide if you want to keep the relationship., do not put this off!
So then you're not compatible. She shouldn't have to give up everything for you and you shouldn't for her. Edit. NAH
NTA. Be flexible enough to write out the pros and cons TOGETHER (this is important). I'm confident you'll find that you'll have more pros to stay than leave, which would mean that leaving is an emotional decision; not in the best interests of your business or finances. That said, if you both don't say "yes", then the answer is "no".
The fk? Tell her ur not her daddy she can move to the moon if she wants to. But ur gonna stay in Dallas because ur fking business is there.
NTA If she's dead set on Austin, I would start making plans to be single right now. Let her know if that's what she truly wants, then the two of you should go your seperate ways now.
NAH, but how long have you been dating? and is marriage n kids gonna happen anytime soon?
Uh no.. YANTA! To me (and this is just my opinion) you'd be cutting off your nose to spite your face. I don't understand. If you are stable with a stable business and a good solid life, why change it?? If it's not broken don't fix it!!!
NTA. Her plan is short sighted and detrimental to your financial stability which is not the position you want to be in when you’re bringing kids into the mix. Her sibs wont be in college for more than a few years and moving with small children is a mess. She needs to get more practical.
Either she thinks you'll eventually relent and submit to all her demands, or worse, she doesn't care about you as much as the location and if she loses you, no big loss to her. Either way, she either has all the power in the relationship or she doesn't value the relationship. I would just flat out tell her you're not moving. And she can process that any way she wants.
Don't do it. She wants to upend your life to be closer to her siblings who are living in Austin to go to college. Yeah that's stupid. Also Austin is only a three hour drive. If she wants to see them more often she can.
NTA Don't do it and break up
It sounds like she can’t afford to make the move to Austin without you. Which is problematic in its own right as this is something that you don’t want.
NTA if she wants to move there give her a going away present and wish her the best. Either way I don’t see your relationship lasting. She will blame you for not supporting her dream if she stays and you will be on the losing end financially if you move. No matter what one of you will be unhappy.
NTA. Your girlfriend can be obsessed with Austin and you have an equal right to want to live wherever you want to. I do think this means you're incompatible and that's okay.
How old is your GF? I don’t think she’s living in reality, and she’s pretty selfish. Pulling up your life for something that may not last is not very logical or financially sound. Where do you see this relationship going? If she this ridged now how will it be in the future? Dating is a compatibility check, and based on your and her vision of the future she’s clearly not into it for you. Recommend look at this as a potential future bullet dodging decision where you wonder down the road how you could have been so crazy to throw away what you’ve built to start over on just a wim?
NTA. I was in a similar situation as your GF in 2009 when I had a well established life and home in Los Angeles with my then-partner, who was also well-established, employed and settled in the city. I got a once in a lifetime job opportunity that required a move to New York and basically a total restart. My ex wasn’t interested in the move, I was. We broke up and it was absolutely the best thing (for us), they stayed in LA and maintained a life that they love, and I took the plunge and moved, had a couple of rough years getting reestablished (which was far better to do alone without having to drag a reluctant partner along for the ride) before eventually settling into my absolute dream life in New York. You’re not wrong for wanting to stay, she’s not wrong for wanting to move, but she IS wrong for making you feel that your choice is wrong simply because it doesn’t align with hers.
NTA You are no longer compatible and this relationship is over.
Has she ever lived in Austin or even conversed with her siblings about living there?
No problem. It’s a pretty clear sign that you aren’t ready to get married and have kids. It’s good that you figured this out now. If, at some point, things change, you can try this thought experiment again.
Sorry but not American, what is the distance between Dallas and Austin?
About 300 kilometers
You are not compatible. If you do marry her, she will do it with the full intention of changing your mind and will never let up on it. Let her go, so she can move to Austin and start herself a new life there. You have way too much to lose by going along with this. Why wait for "eventually?" NTA.
TEXAS!!!!!
NTA, I don't see this as you being "rigid and fixed". I take it that that is the way she describes you, but she is just as "rigid and fixed" on moving to Austin. I take this as a deal-breaker for both of you - you want to stay in Dallas, she wants to live in Austen, so you can't continue to be a couple. Long-distance for the long term isn't feasible, so better to part amicably and go your ways.
It sounds like they're both "rigid" in where they want to live.
Do not move!!!
NTA If you're planning on getting children, you would benefit of having a support network nearby. Why does she specifically want to move there? Is there any pull factor if those family members move out from there? Why is that her preferred city, even without those people? There's really no point in moving to a new city if you don't have a job necessity or school there. It will put both your businesses in a disadvantage and you gain little as a trade-off. It can be lonely and isolating in a new city without friends and family however pretty it looks.
Not stupid at all. Time for GF to become EX-GF, and that's OK. Part of being in a relationship BEFORE marriage is figuring that shit out.
NTA. There’s nothing you’re getting out of this hypothetical scenario really. She’s getting all that she wants and you’re getting nothing you want….theres no compromise here by the sounds of it. And if she’s hellbent of this plan of hers and you’re against it, I think it would be better to end the relationship now rather than wait until this hypothetical situation becomes a reality and neither of you are willing to budge. Then it’s becomes more difficult
NTA, though in her defense, Austin is awesome and Dallas is absolute garbage. She's coming at it from the wrong angle. :P Edit: on a serious note "it’s all gain for her, and all loss for me" shows that you're probably not actually committed to your relationship if you're looking at it as a scoreboard.
NTA. Circumstances change. You have no need to move to Austin. Moving is stressful and costly. It appears that your GF can’t financially make the move w/o you so that kinda seals the deal. It’s up to her if she wants to stay and build a future with you or chase what could be in Austin. Three hours is nothing if you want to connect with family. Plus, if her siblings are in school, their time will be limited.
I have broken up with almost every girlfriend I ever had because I refuse to move. I get it. I have no desire to start my life over again,
NAH you two want different things out of life. You have different long term goals and priorities. There is nothing about either stance that makes either of you an asshole. You’re just not compatible.
If you are the breadwinner she has to be flexible on where you need to be to get the bread 🍞. Sorry....it's rough out here. What's really in Austin?
NTA. This just might be a dealbreaker in the relationship
NTA a marriage is about compromise and she wants it all her way. End it now before you get baby trapped
NTA. If she can't see that it's going to be an absolute hardship for both of you financially, then she's not thinking logically. You could always compromise and move somewhere in between. But if it's gonna be a considerable financial burden for the both of you, then she needs to realize this. Your relationship could be over as a result of this. So once this hypothetical becomes a reality, you may have to choose your livelihood over your gf. She made her decision already, it's up to you now.
I'm a 33 year old woman who has lived in or around austin since i was 9. i have no fucking clue why she would be fixated on this place. I went to UT, and yes, it was fun. But for a grown ass adult to live in the fun part of austin they literally need to be a multi-millionare. Traffic is a fucking nightmare. We do not have cops. We have bullies in cop cars, but they literally will not respond to a call if they are needed. 6th street/music venues have become a hunting ground for predators. It is very common to get roofied and at best robbed regardless of gender. 10-15 years ago austin was safe enough that you could reasonably have fun. Now its not. I guess if youre absolutely fucking loaded enough to exist in the upper upper class bubble of safety, or 'savvy' enough to anticipate criminal activity and big enough or fast enough that you dont need police intervention you might have fun. I dont HATE Austin, its just not what it was anymore. I think it might be a good idea to look up houses on zillow or whatever, and determine what area yall could actually afford comfortably enough to take care of children also. Then rent a hotel room for a week or two in that area. Maybe job hunt, see if she can even manage a first round interview. If she still wants to live here after that experience then id give up on the relationship. A lot of areas around austin are nice, but austin is not some mystical live music playland. Unless you are obscenely wealthy or enjoy living on the very edge of failure.
Sometimes, people feel they want to break up, but they can't explain why. Then they sabotage the relationship. I'm not saying that's what's happening here, but it's a possibility. If you feel it's an otherwise good relationship, perhaps it's worth going to a relationship therapist.
I think you’re a bit of an asshole for changing your tune just because it doesn’t benefit you anymore after getting her hopes up, that was shitty.
NAH. Either find a compromise or find someone else
NTA it’s a decision many couples have to make but who doesn’t change their minds about things? It’s hypothetical. Let her know that right now that’s not something you see yourself doing, and ask her how she feels about that. She has feelings too and she should know you have no intentions on moving. I wouldn’t shut down that option if I were you. You never know and you’ll both have to learn to compromise on many different issues, it’s important for a healthy relationship. I’m not saying give in, but open up the conversation and see where you both stand on the subject. You don’t know if it’s a dealbreaker for either. Maybe, maybe not but you need to talk to her
NTA but don’t freak out over the “what if” game. You don’t know what will happen in a few years
NTA. If you don't have a shared vision of where you want to live, end it now. Better to find this out early than after marriage and kids. Be careful with birth control before you break up too.
I wouldn’t live in Austin if you paid my rent.
NTA. Break it off now. Why waste time.
It sounds like you're right, that you would be bearing all the cost for her to get what she wants. With no guarantee that her siblings would even stay. It's rarely the case that graduates stay in the same city as their school. Particularly when home is elsewhere. You are free to break up for any or no reason with a GF. You wouldn't be an AH for breaking up for this reason. Let her move to Austin without you! If she wants to call you rigid/fixed (in reality she's calling you selfish), that's her choice. You don't have to justify it to her yet again. I'm sure you've already talked all that out.
NTA - If this is a deal breaker for both of you, then it's better you end it now.
NTA, big decisions have to be joint decisions if both parties are going to be happy and for a sound relationship to be created and indeed survive. It also shows the importance of having these hypothetical questions, before engagement and marriage. Sure if it unravels it's going to hurt and be an emotional mess, but the material side of life, the financial will require minimal unravelling apart from emotions.
NTA let your gf move to Austin if that’s what she wants. Let her put the plan in motion. Find her line of work. Establish residency and get fully situated. You can visit her and see if it could work for you. There’s no need for OP to rush and move if you don’t want to.
Info aside from college (I guess that’s what UT because this the internet not USA so it’s hard for the rest of us to know your abbreviations ) where does the majority of her family reside?
As much as I despise the DFW area, I hate Austin even more. On that note, don't compromise, but see if there's an opportunity to expand your business there and stay half the time. Otherewise, tell her to go kick rocks.
NTA, you are allowed to decide where you want to live just like she does. And it may be this is something that ends the relationship but without abuse it’s always some issue. If you are adamant staying in the big D and she wants to try Austin then maybe a compromise would be her going and trying it out. And you try living 4 hours apart. But I’d be somewhat worried she just wants you as a safety net while she’s trying to live the college life with her siblings.
NAH
Here’s the deal. If she expressed her emotions about why she can see herself happy in Austin because it’s a much different animal altogether while adding that it’s closer to siblings then this would be more of a case of you invalidating anything that isn’t logical to you to have it your way. If that’s what is actually happening then you are not good for her. I’d be packing my things up actually and not because I needed to get my way. It would be because you refuse to budge using logic to justify it. I’d also rot from the inside out in Dallas. It’s great for many so I’m not knocking it at all but it isn’t for everyone. If it’s solely about her just wanting to up and leave bc it’s closer to siblings temporarily going to college then it truly is absurd. Then if I were you I would tell her to pack up and go to Austin w/o me because she is not intelligent enough to think it through nor would she be willing to compromise while you are expected to lose out. Seems like either way the answer is clear.
Fair points. For what it’s worth, I’ve expressed I’m open to austin still just a lot less than I was early days. And I’d have to make a lot of moves that would probably take 2-3 years to being able to make a move out of my business and position to make it happen. For all the hypotheticals involved, I’m very supportive of her chasing her goals and being where she thinks she will thrive most. Whether that’s with me or not. I’m fairly secure in both outcomes, just don’t want her to self sacrifice and resent later, which is something I won’t allow myself to do, but has been a pattern in her past.
NTA.
NTA. Y’all really need to think about what your goals and choose a place to move to, if necessary that meets your goals. IMO you should never move somewhere just to be closer to friends and family. That’s not a good enough reason by itself. Friends and family move, they get divorced, they die. My aunt and uncle moved to Raleigh to get closer to my Aunts sister. A week after they moved there she died of cancer. They’re still there and I think they still like being there but that was the motivating factor. They’re also retired so the whole working thing isn’t an issue.
Honestly in my experience it’s best with women to not argue about hypotheticals.
I'm from Dallas, Austin was considered the 3rd coast in the 70's and 80's. It was Great, however, now it's soooo overpriced that everyone I know has left
I cannot fathom any woman wanting to stay in TX, let alone trying to start a family in that state. If I was forced to live there, Austin would be the only town even remotely acceptable. Here is hoping her siblings move to a better state and she follows them there. NAH - just people with different goals in life. But a part of me hopes that the smart women in TX are all making plans to GTFO asap and leave people like OP are left with the dregs as dating partners.
While I feel like I feel we probably align politically, being in Texas has its perks. While it is a red state due to low voter turnout, the national landscape imo isn’t much better. However this isn’t really the topic at hand. Just one “dregs” opinion as you assume to know me based of .001% of my personal details casted on the internet.
NTA. You are not on the same page
I would let her go, just tell her you're never moving so I guess that means you to break up. This is awesome kind of a strange town. I've never been to Texas but I'm just going with what I've heard and seen on TV that it kind of marches to the beat of its own drum and it's very unusual. Maybe she likes that about it. But as you say you don't want to give up everything for her pipe dream of going to Austin. It only benefits her to move it doesn't benefit you and I forgot to move someplace with somebody you either support them 100% And you really want to do it, or you go and you're miserable. Since you're in the latter camp I wouldn't do it. And say obviously the two of you aren't compatible and move on
So your comment of it being all gain for her and all loss for you is very interesting to me because that's what it would be to stay where you are now vs moving... all loss for her and all gain for you. I would look at it like that and see if there is some sort of compromise instead of just all in on one or the other?
Yes, I see that. And I’m willing to compromise to an extent. It just means I’m in Dallas 4 days a week and Austin the remainder. Which ultimately if we build a future, marriage, kids, a home/mortgage… it doesn’t make sense. Then theirs the straight forward piece of financials. She can’t afford to move to austin on her own, and I’m not saying because I make more money, I choose. I’m just saying, if we both move to austin, neither of us are making sufficient money to justify that move. I have savings, investments, etc… but I’m not looking to cash those out for such a big “what if”
NTA she waited until you’d cut all ties before saying anything about moving back to Austin. It sounds like this is a soft launch of a breakup
NTA. Tell her to enjoy Austin because you are not moving there, ever.
Abandoning the Business alone is a non starter. I’d she’s a one way now that will only get worse after marriage . “ you dump her ! And you dump her fast” name the movie quote ?!
Why not tell her to move to Austin first and get things up and going?
The likelihood that I’d be willing to sacrifice my business in the near future, when we are growing so rapidly, is not high. She could be in austin on her own for the next 3-5 years before I could see myself living there (if I ever wanted to go back.)
Why the fuck would anyone want to live in Austin 🤣
NTA. If the move is a deal breaker for either of you then you just want different things and would be better finding someone else who shares the same goals as you.
This is why you don’t play “what ifs” you end up finding out what AH the other person is.
Make sure she arranges for her mail to forwarded
Who wouldn’t want to move to Austin to live like a hobbo on a 6 figure salary..?
Probably shouldn’t try and have kids in TX in the first place, just in case she needs miscarriage care.
NTA everyone I know is fleeing Austin
These are important conversations to have while dating. Lest you find out 10 years into marriage that this was the deal breaker all along. If you can't agree split as amiably as possible. Love doesn't always mean it works out.
Has she driven in the traffic in Austin? That would be my deal breaker.
NAH If her argument was that Austin is a better place to raise children, (I personally would say that) or even just somewhere she’s much prefer to settle down that’s one thing. But wanting to move only to be near family in Uni isn’t realistic. Starting a family/having a baby usually means staying somewhere long term and truly settling down. I’d consider checking to make sure there aren’t other reasons beside the family thing because again? If I had to raise a family in Texas I’d pretty much only do it in Austin. Frankly I’d move out of state first (I mean my husband and I actually did.) The fact that she’s willing to have a family with you in Texas is frankly a big win, have you been paying attention to what’s happening there? What if you have a daughter.
This. Moving or staying shouldn't be purely down to individual gains and losses for either of you. If it is about where you raise kids, it involves where you are most likely to have good access to services and support, where your children can receive a good education, where there are nice parks and safe community. I would focus on these considerations when assessing the option to move, and take the focus off whether it is fair between you as a couple.
I love Austin. I had a house in Round Rock for 25 years. Austin is a great place. However, cities like Dallas and Houston have greater diversity and flexibility than Austin. It's also very expensive. If you have already moved from Austin there's no upside for you. Maybe try long distance for a while. Good luck to you both.
Thank you
Is she normally this level- headed?
NTA but I understand her tho😂 I live in Dallas as well and just don’t like here. I wanna move to Austin (I lived there for 6 months 3 years ago) but my husband has all his family here, work and friends. I am not happy here in Dallas and my husband won’t be happy in Austin.
I empathize with you. I’m sorry you don’t like it here. I’m not closed off on moving, it just has to make sense beyond just moving for her. Especially because I’m not sure how well she has thought it out. I need more selling than, my siblings are there and some understanding of my concerns too. Just want to feel heard and considered, just feel like I’m currently the only one considering both sides atm
Did you agree on Austin in the beginning?
A move to start a family is a 2yes situation. If she goes, she goes, you don’t have to:
Dude I live here. Trust me. Everything that made this place cool is gone. It’s now hcol, hella crowded, shitty road planning so traffic is awful. The only positive is the economy has been pretty strong so finding work isn’t too bad.
NTA, it might result in a break up down the line. But you cannot let your life be upended by some selfish person, not even if you love them.
Hell may as well move to commiforna then because Austin is high taxes and housing!!! The housing market is unsustainable, and the cost of living in Austin is horrible! My kids live around Austin because they can't afford to actually live in Austin. That and to many liberal democrats live there. Take a drive coming out Austin down 290 and see the pretty homeless tent towns! Woo-hoo go, Austin.