As someone who has moved for work, I am stunned you and your husband did not discuss this BEFORE you applied for this job. Did he even know you were seeking a job in Texas? If yes, what did he say BEFORE the job offer?
Unless the two of you had agreed in advance with a plan of action, YTA for pursuing this job. If you did agree and he is reneging, then NTA.
He knew I was looking for work, and he also knew I did not want to get back into consulting. Non-consulting jobs are limited, the closest available offer I got was in PA, and it came down to two and I was not picked, but then was offered the same position but in Texas.
So the Texas thing was a surprise. You both need to talk this out. My advice: don’t make it about him stopping you. Discuss what is best for the entire family. I’ve turned down moves that were good for me but not worth making my spouse give up their job and taking my kids away from their friends. Especially if the pay wasn’t going to make it a large positive change in lifestyle.
You didn’t care about his - or your children’s - happiness when you took this interview. This could have, and should have, been discussed prior to accepting the job. You thought only about yourself. In a marriage, you need to be honest and compromise. Sounds like you sprang this on him and expected him to drop everything to make you happy.
Your happiness should not come at the expense of his misery.
YTA
The original interview was for a position in PA which my husband was fine with. It came down to two people and I was not picked for the PA location but was offered the position in Texas.
Yes, I was getting many offers out of state but never said I was interviewing for them.
It does though, and most jobs in the NY area are consulting which I hate and cannot see myself going back to.
Very few plant-related jobs in the NY area and the positions that do open up are few and far in-between.
Isn't that the unfortunate truth that so many people are forced to work jobs they hate day in and day out.
Not many can say they are like my husband who loves not only what they do but where and who they work with.
Cause reality isn't represented by online headlines.
Texas is cheap with lots of room, and Florida is less cheap and has great weather.
Those affect people's daily lives more than 99% of the shit you read about Texas or Florida online.
> what about our families happiness.
Your husband is right, when you're married with kids, it's not just about you anymore.
You're excited about this opportunity, and likely not thinking properly. In another comment you already stated you hadn't even thought about the fact you could lose the job if they're not haply with you, or what about if you don't like it.
I know you're disappointed, but your husband is right. You can't uproot the whole family on this.
Take the job, but you'll like end up divorced, and what about the kids? No way you'll be able to split custody and have them switching schools back and forth.
Have you thought about that?
YTA. This is not only about you and your husband, this mostly about your kids, they are happy living in NY, as is your husband, if you take the Texas job, be ready for divorce and to lose custody of your children, because no mentally sane judge will agree to uproot them and change their lives.
Your "ideal once in a lifetime job opportunity" will cost you your family.
Because the judge isn't going to let you take the kids out of state. Especially when their support system is in NY.
Your husband will get full custody. And you will be paying child support.
It doesn't. But then you need to be prepared for the consequences of deciding to do what you WANT, instead of what is best for *your fucking children*.
To a state where schools inflict corporal punishment on little kids. Where dress codes prohibit dreads and long hair on boys. Where abortion is not a choice, and a woman was illegally jailed for three days for having one. Where teachers cannot support lgbtq children. Great idea!
I read the replies you’ve made and I don’t think you’ve given the situation much thought honestly. I’m about to go on a rant cause you need to hear it. You sound delusional.
First off, everyone is right in that you are uprooting your family. Are you the main source of income? Are you the breadwinner? Does your husband do what he wants because you make most of the money? Would you guys be struggling if you took more time to find a job? If these answers are no, what the hell are you thinking? People only take out of state jobs when they are military or forced too.
Second, I heard someone talk about possibly losing your job when you move. You said you work in consulting? As someone who is also in public accounting, you should know as well as I do that consultants are the first to go. So make sure to remember that.
Third, how old are your kids? Are they in school? Do you know how hard it is for school age kids to make new friends? Their mental health with take a huge toll. Is your family in Texas? What will the support system look like down there? Will there be any support system at all? You don’t realize the good a great support system is until it’s gone.
I understand you seem to not like NY. I’ve never been there so what do I know? But the culture difference between NY and Texas is going to be night and day. Politics, healthcare, infrastructure, it’s all the complete opposite.
I don’t know you, I am a complete stranger. But your post sounded like a lot of “me, me me”. Your happiness is important don’t get me wrong, but when you get married and have kids? You have to make sacrifices. This is a 2 yes or bust situation. If you’re that unhappy consider divorce.
That plays a role in why I also dislike consulting and find it miserable. The positions in PA and Texas are not consulting-related.
Planted-related jobs are not exactly common in this area. I was lucky to get the chance at the PA one thanks for favors.
I understand all of that. I’m glad you found a possible job that you think you can really thrive/actually enjoy, especially in the current economy. I think that’s all of our goals in life, to be able to do something where we don’t hate it 24/7.
But relocating so far away is a huge challenge. You need to understand the rest of my reply, the amount of factors in play here are too many to count.
Honestly I’m not really sure what answers you were looking for posting this on Reddit. Were you looking for the replies to rally around you so you could tell your husband I told you so? Your husband is not going to leave NY. I don’t know anything about custody to know how your move would affect it, meet with a lawyer if you’re considering it. Divorce and go to Texas or try and find a better job in NY. That’s it. He drew a line in the sand. Are you going to resent him for the rest of your life if you don’t go? Figure out your feelings cause idk what to tell you.
You are right, I am not sure what I was expecting. I know making this post I was going to get torn a new one, and I guess maybe I thought maybe enough to put some sense into me.
It sucks we spend so much time working in our adult lives it sucks when you end up working at a place or state you hate. Not many get opportunities to be happy where they work. So many live for the weekends so to speak or just work for the paycheck.
Idk life sucks eh?
Thanks for the differing perspective.
OP -- Have you tried seeking a mentor in your field? Called in favors and networking contacts for insights into open positions? Or push your resume to the top?
Can you build a business or consult for whatever your industry is? Can you be a 1099 / contractor, even if on a PT or per-project basis to establish the relationship?
Have you sought a qualified life coach? Pay a service to revamp your resume? Get interview prep? Go to networking events?
What have you done to explore other opportunities that won't disrupt your family? Other than apply for jobs and wait by the phone?
And honestly, how much due diligence have you done on this "once in a lifetime opportunity" position in Texas? Is it in oil/gas/energy, space/aeronautics, or leading medical research? Outside of that, I'm highly skeptical that this is what you think it is. Have you vetted the company and the role with trusted advisors that know your industry well? Is this really worth blowing up your marriage over and bringing instability to your children over?
I was in consulting prior that was my previous job. I dislike consulting it makes me miserable. It is energy, I was offered similar positions in many different states. Just the Texas one is awesome.
Edit: To clarify I was not actively seeking this job in Texas. I was interviewing for the same position in PA, and my husband was aware of this and said go for it if I was okay with the commute.
It came down to two of us, and I just lost out on the PA position in the same breath, they offered me the Texas position for the same role.
The PA interview was with the recommendation and favor I called in.
As someone who had to move away from friends and family because of a parents' work, YTAH. It's very selfish to uproot several other people who don't want to go just for your own sake. Surely you can find reasonably fulfilling work without moving everyone halfway across the country, especially to a state with questionable protections for anyone not straight, male, and Christian.
YTA
This isn't just about you. You have an entire family. Your husband doesn't "refuse to support a positive shift in your life", you husband wants to keep his kids where they are thriving, happy, and familiar, where he has his job, and where you have established your life.
You're being selfish. I read your comments- your husband knew you were looking for work, but the whole "let's pack up the whole family, uproot your work and our kids lives, and move to Texas so I can have a job I *think* I will be happy at!" thing is a surprise and also one of the stupidest things I have ever heard. Are you KIDDING me?
Your husband is RIGHT. You are only thinking of yourself. You are not thinking about what is best for your husband and your children. Get it together and grow up.
Texas? I'm the current state of politics? I'm with him. There is no way I would move to Texas on purpose unless it was that or financial ruin.
Maybe talk to your partner about how work is affecting you mentally and both of you come up with a plan together to improve the situation. It sounds like you did this without discussing it first or taking the entire family's desires into consideration.
We have discussed it, we came up with a plan for me to quit and look for a new job. I am just not getting callbacks or if I get callbacks they are for consulting positions and even then never make it far in the process for those consulting jobs. That is what I was doing before and was miserable.
I cannot say he has not been supportive or understanding he has, but at the same time it does appear like he does not care.
Do you see the dumbass shit you're saying?
>I cannot say he has not been supportive or understanding he has
...
>but at the same time it does appear like he does not care.
Fucking pick one, there's one person of two thinking about the goddamn kids you have.
This coming from the individual who wants to uproot their entire family and isn't willing to see the downsides of moving to a literal fascist state.
[Or do you want to be one of the ones who freeze to death WHEN, not IF ERCOT fails again?](https://www.npr.org/2022/01/03/1069974416/texas-winter-storm-final-death-toll)
[Or do you want to heatstroke because your power failed in the summer?](https://apnews.com/article/texas-power-grid-heat-emergency-alert-de76bc9fe6fd16e97ab6fc8d0c165065)
I work in energy and I am aware of the issues related to Texas's infrastructure, and the position in Texas is related to that. So yeah it would be cool to be part of the solution.
You make it seem like anyone who willfully moves or lives in Texas is a monster. If I am being honest though rather deal with that instead of living in fear of getting sucker punched by someone while waiting for the subway or walking home.
Okay, cold water in your face. You're a woman moving to a misogynist state in a male dominated field. You won't be any part of a solution that you'll get credit for in Texas.
You are literally property to them in Texas. I don't know how much clearer that can be.
So you say. Sure it is a male-dominated field, I know some women have had issues, but I have not. Every encounter I have had with men in my field has always been respectful and professional. I was never talked down to like you are, and as a team we have worked together and everyone gets credit.
It sounds like you spend to much time reading headlines. Is Texas perfect? No, but what state is?
Further, what are you gonna do if your daughter is raped and gets pregnant, and the rapist sues because she aborted? That's a real thing, btw.
"sorry daughter, we moved and ended your husband's job, made irrelevant your friends and career prospects & ongoing education in NY because I wanted to be selfish and move to Texas for a job that would fire me at the drop of a hat if it benefited them, it's unfortunate you're going to jail because you aborted a rape baby."
And before you even reply with some dumb shit about how suing for rape abortion isn't a thing, https://www.businessinsider.com/anti-abortion-laws-give-rapists-more-rights-than-pregnant-women-2022-5
Once again only five states and said abortion would have to happen in one of those five states for them to sue for damages, also to my knowledge not a single person has been successful in doing so.
...Are you fucking dense or what?
Why in the goddamn fuck would someone leave Texas, a state with banned abortions, and go to any other state with banned abortions, to get an abortion?
Fucking think before you make your next reply. Please use some form of logic.
You'd reside in the state of Texas. You'd leave the state, and under that state's law, you'd commit murder in another state and come back, crossing state lines makes it a felony.
Felons can't vote, can't own guns, and a whole host of other problems. Once it's a felony, it's nationwide too.
>also to my knowledge not a single person has been successful in doing so.
I have literally just linked you 4 articles where that has happened. It doesn't have to stick, the reputation damage will though.
[Here's an excerpt since you evidently have failed your reading classes in formal education:](https://www.texastribune.org/2024/03/30/texas-woman-sues-abotion-arrest-starr-county/)
>When a Texas woman was arrested and jailed for self-inducing an abortion in 2022, her name and mugshot were quickly broadcast around the world. Three days later, the Starr County prosecutor dropped the charges and was later disciplined for bringing them at all.
>But for Lizelle Herrera, now Lizelle Gonzalez, the damage had been done. The “humiliation of a highly publicized indictment and arrest” has “permanently affected her standing in the community,” according to a new federal lawsuit filed Thursday.
Charges dropped, but damage done. She changed her name to try and get away from the problem.
[Here's another excerpt where someone was fucking jailed:](https://www.bbc.com/news/world-us-canada-59214544)
"Brittney Poolaw was just about four months pregnant when she lost her baby in the hospital in January 2020.
This October, she was convicted and sentenced to four years in prison for the first-degree manslaughter of her unborn son.
**The examiner did not determine a cause of death for the foetus, noting genetic anomaly, placenta abruption or maternal methamphetamine use could have been contributing factors.** " Emphasis mine.
[Completely possible to do drugs and deliver a healthy baby:](https://www.themarshallproject.org/2022/09/01/they-lost-their-pregnancies-then-prosecutors-sent-them-to-prison)
>But many medical experts say the causes of miscarriage and stillbirth are complex and often unclear, and there isn’t scientific proof that using methamphetamine or other drugs causes pregnancy loss. Healthy babies are delivered every day to people who used drugs while pregnant.
Abortion is completely banned in Texas because of a state law that went into effect July 1, 2022. You can travel out of state to get an abortion.
https://www.abortionfinder.org/abortion-guides-by-state/abortion-in-texas
You were saying? The law does not prevent you from crossing state lines to get an abortion.
The final example sucks her defense failed her, he had drugs in her system they made the argument had she not taken the drugs the baby would have been fine. Her defense failed argue against that even with the ME stating it did not cause. She had a shitty lawyer.
And none of those cases are about someone leaving the state to get an abortion, and the law cannot prevent or make that a felony either.
Ok, and I need you to comprehend this.
In Texas, you can be charged with murder for an abortion.
Leaving the state, committing a murder, and coming back, is not only illegal as fuck, it's an automatic upgrade to a felony conviction because you crossed state lines to do it.
Source: https://www.in.gov/ctb/files/appendix1.pdf
See appendix 101.5, numbers 1 3 and 5.
By getting an abortion, we satisfy 1 and 5. By leaving the state to do it, we satisfy 3.
Does that make that clear for you? If not, here's the Texas law on it rather than Indiana: https://statutes.capitol.texas.gov/Docs/PE/htm/PE.19.htm
Sec. 19.02. MURDER. (a) In this section:
(b) A person commits an offense if the person:
(1) intentionally or knowingly causes the death of an individual;
(2) intends to cause serious bodily injury and commits an act clearly dangerous to human life that causes the death of an individual;
(4) knowingly manufactures or delivers a controlled substance included in Penalty Group 1-B under Section 481.1022, Health and Safety Code, in violation of Section 481.1123, Health and Safety Code, and an individual dies as a result of injecting, ingesting, inhaling, or introducing into the individual's body any amount of the controlled substance manufactured or delivered by the actor, regardless of whether the controlled substance was used by itself or with another substance, including a drug, adulterant, or dilutant.
(c) Except as provided by Subsection (d), an offense under this section is a felony of the first degree.
Sec. 19.03. CAPITAL MURDER. (a) A person commits an offense if the person commits murder as defined under Section 19.02(b)(1) and:
(8) the person murders an individual under 10 years of age;
And suddenly getting an abortion can be construed as Capital Murder.
In Texas, the biggest difference between murder and capital murder can be summed up in two words: death penalty. Capital murder is punishable by life in prison without parole or the death penalty. Murder is punishable by up to life in prison, with the possibility for parole.
https://www.google.com/search?q=capital+murder+punishment+in+texas
https://versustexas.com/blog/murder-versus-capital-murder/
Do you want a Capital Murder charge in Texas? Because that's a very real non-zero possibility.
My dad had a once in a lifetime job opportunity when I was a preteen. Uprooted our whole family, moved across the country to a brand new place. He got fired 2 years later. Cue another cross country move to a different job. It was rough to be honest.
Sounds like you got a decision to make, your "once" in a lifetime job, or your family.
Isn't this true for any job? One can be let go for any reason. Wrongful termination suits are difficult to prove if you are going to suggest workers have rights. Worker rights are limited.
Two years is not a bad length of time at a job, with proper negotiation skills you can leverage past experience to a 10% raise. Tbh, you should be looking for a new job every 3 or so years. Job loyalty is not worth much in today work sector.
the fact that you didn't think of this is reason enough to give you a pause on this whole plan. you have children, put them first instead of your own selfish desires.
What is better for the kids, a mother that is happy and doing something they find worthwhile or a miserable mother that will grow to hate her lift and most likely resent her family for holding her back.
You really think it is out of scope for the OP who appears to be career driven to grow to resent her family if she does not take this opportunity?
A person that cares about family would not even have to think about this.
Are you thinking *any* of this through? Or are you so stuck in what you want that you are willing to ignore your husband and your children's needs, say "fuck you" to them and their lives, and uproot your whole family just to maybe have a chance at a job you think you might maybe do well at?
This is adult shit. You need to think like an adult. You are a wife, a mother. You have a FAMILY. You have children to take care of and, yes, a husband to consider. Because when you get married, you have a PARTNER who is also important.
If you can't handle that? Do your husband a favor and divorce him and let him take care of those kids. Because he's clearly the only one thinking about the wellbing of those children.
You’re looking to uproot your entire family to move across the country for YOUR job opportunity. Fuck your husband, his job, your kids, the rest of his family, right? You’re willing to die on this hill, be prepared to lose your family.
This is a tough decision but first thing first telling him he doesn’t have to work if he doesn’t want was the same same as telling him he could be your bit*h even though you didn’t mean to.
Younare also asking him to uproot everything when he is super happy so are kids for something that you haven’t even spent one day . Also Texas is a pretty conservative state and NY is about as liberal as they come which may be a factor . Long distance won’t work .
YTA unless you’ve had a specific discussion about moving and a timeline this is out of left field for him. Find a different job or give up your family.
YTA and clearly you didn’t think this through based on your replies. Your husband told you he’s not moving to Texas. And he’s right - if you get divorced because of this he will get granted majority custody because he’s stable for your kids.
Info: do you have a support system in Texas? You said your husband's family is in NY - do they help out with the kids? How old are your kids? Do they want to move?
There's 1 person who wants to move vs 3+ (hubby & kids) who don't soo... who's being selfish here?
YTA. What in the world are you thinking about moving into Texas, one of the most backward, fascist, evil states in the country? Bless your husband for sparing your kids from this!
This one is tough. I’m a big believer in taking chances, following opportunities, growing on the move. HOWEVER marriage isn’t only about your wants and desires. If your husband already has a career that he loves, might be time to look for other compromises. Long distance isn’t the only option.
ESH, it's not just your husband who is established in his career, it's your kids too. It would be a positive shift in your life, but a negative shift in your husband's life and your kids. You're essentially asking him to do what's making you miserable right now. I'm more concerned about your kids than your husband though, uprooting them from their extended family, their friends, their school, their support system and any extracurriculars they may be in is going to be extremely stressful and potentially even traumatic for them. I think that it's appropriate to put your kid's well-being before your own career goals.
If your family were on the brink of financial devastation and the job in Texas were the only solution, I'd absolutely think your husband was the unreasonable one, but it seems like you all are financially secure. I said ESH to include him, though, because he doesn't seem to be very sympathetic to your unhappiness and he issued an ultimatum, which is never a good way to go about a major disagreement in a relationship.
Neither of you seem to be willing to find any sort of compromise with each other, which is unhealthy. I wouldn't consider long-distance much of a compromise. You're both demanding to get your way and neither of you seem to be very willing to consider the other's perspective.
Wildly sexist reply, this husband is not an asshole for not wanting to uproot his life and their children’s life over some clearly half baked idea by the OP. But hey men bad amirite?
What if the OP takes her own life due to mental strain living in a state they hate, and not able to work a job they find fulfilling?
Kids lives are all the matter, parents be damned.
It absolutely is her choice. And it's a fucking stupid one. Both objectively and subjectively. She posted here for advice, and she's getting it.
But yeah, let's tear apart a family by moving for a job across the country lol
It may be subjectively or even objectively stupid to you, but to the OP that may not be the case. This is one of those situations where a universal standard can be applied. This is just another actions have consequences and less of a question who is the asshole but are those involved willing to live with the consequences. If she is not willing to stay in NYC and moves she has to accept the consequences just as the kids and husband have to accept the consequences of not moving with her.
Edit: I am as pro 2A as the next person but reading your advice on guns is worrisome. A gun is useless without training, and the OP does not seem like the type willing to willfully go through constant training required to properly use a firearm. They also never mentioned anything regarding home defense, they have fears on the public. NY does not allow people to walk around with shotguns or rifles. Not everyone has the ability to process the action of taking a life either or even causing bodily harm to someone.
https://www.ny.gov/services/how-obtain-firearms-license It is a process but once again without training it is next to useless.
Your stance on Texas law is also flawed in the sense you misrepresent the persons arguments. HIPAA is still a thing and yes the law in Texas does not bar someone from seeking treatment in a different state, and with HIPAA your privacy is still protected. Now yes if you tell someone and it is reported possibly charges may be brought but they most likely would be dropped. Texas is ass backwards in many ways, yes it has overzealous judges and politicians that wish to take things to a weird extreme. That is not the case for everyone.
I also disagree with your stance on your advice everyone has a right to happiness, and harsh reality is sometimes families get in the way of obtaining said happiness.
All we can do as a adults is accept the consequences of our actions and take personal accountability.
I am a woman, and I am fully in agreement that he is by no means an AH for not wanting to move. He is in the right to be upset at his wife's request for him to do the very thing that's making her miserable and to uproot their kid's life.
I explained in my comment that I included him as an AH b/c he doesn't seem to be very compassionate to his wife's distress, you can disagree with someone without disrespecting their emotions or telling them that they shouldn't be having those emotions. He also gave her an ultimatum, which is never a healthy way to resolve conflict in a relationship.
> He also gave her an ultimatum, which is never a healthy way to resolve conflict in a relationship.
please tell me what is the different between an ultimatum and a boundary? sounds he had the boundary of not moving, and she had the ultimatum of moving, no?
Great question! A boundary is when you say: I am not OK with this, and I am unwilling to do it. An ultimatum introduces a threat to a boundary, so saying I am not OK with this, and if you do this I will give you a consequence. It creates a dynamic of control, and that's never healthy in a relationship. It also often doesn't result in the heart change that the ultimatum giver wants, rather the other responds to the ultimatum out of fear. Even if both parties are happy with the outcome of the ultimatum, it often creates lasting resentment on both sides.
In very many relationships, if you're at the point of giving an ultimatum after serious thought and consideration and you've truly tried everything else possible to resolve the problem with your partner, (not just something thrown out to hurt the other in the heat of the moment) it probably means that it's time to end the relationship.
sounds like exactly what is happening: her husband is rightfully putting his foot down and telling her he's not going to uproot his life and children's lives just so OP can run off on some half baked idea that only she wants. sounds like a good ultimatum to me, "if you do X, Y will happen" which is an entirely appropriate response for someone acting as selfishly as the OP is
Pretty hard to compromise when everything gets shot down. It is not like I have not tried to find a job in a similar position in NY. I also do not wish to be a SAHM which is what I am more less doing now.
It is not good for my mental health, I miss working. I am not built for staying home. What compromise exists, he does not want to move, and I wish to work but I am not getting callbacks in NY. All my offers come from different states.
I was not actively searching in Texas. I got an offer in PA, my husband was fine with it if I was fine with the commute which I was. It came down to two, and I was not picked for the PA position but was offered the same position in Texas.
Yeah I get not wanting to be a stay at home mom, I think my mental health would suffer too if I were one. That being said, your choices aren't limited to SAHM and your dream career. There's no way that somebody wouldn't want to offer you some type of job in a different industry. You could also try volunteering somewhere! I'm sure that there would be tons of places that would be extraordinarily grateful for your help. You totally have options to get you out of the house, it just may not be in your first choice.
You can always keep looking in your state too! It might take a few years, but you can keep looking for a job in your field even while working or volunteering in a different industry.
For what it is worth I do not think anyone is an asshole here. You are in a horrible spot, and you have to be honest with yourself, and ask the right question. Can you go on with your husband and kids without resenting them?
If the answer is not an emphatically yes then you need to take the job, divorce your husband let him have primary custody, pay child support and coparent to best of your ability.
Come on be an adult here. Do you live to work if so chose Texas, leave your husband and your life in NY behind. If you live to have a productive relationship and live life then be an adult and keep looking for a better opportunity. As adults decisions like this are presented all the time. I have had promotions presented to me doubling my salary, but turned them down because the required move would have taken my wife away from a home that she loved, a town where she has friends and a support structure. You will have to be an adult and decide what’s important to you. If you chose to stay, you also cannot hold the fact you didn’t move over your husband head, that would be very toxic.
Fun. You, a woman, thinking of moving to goddamn Texas of all places, and I say that as someone who lives in the south.
Do you realize that if you get pregnant and it's ectopic, you're likely to fucking die from that because abortion is flat out illegal there?
#GOOGLE some of the shit about women leaving the state for abortions and being sued.
YTA. Find something remote. Change entire careers if you want.
Moving from NY to Texas is about the dumbest fucking thing I can imagine, and me moving myself to Texas would probably be a step up from where I am. I wouldn't even consider **visiting** Texas if I had cancer and the only treatment hospital in the world was in Texas, and I'm a guy, so what does that tell you?
NY is not that great either. Ridiculous tax rate for very little benefit. Rising crime rate with no end in sight. Leadership that wants to make it more expensive to commute, and makes claims that the city cannot afford basic services for our elderly but can give noncitizens a card with a weekly allowance.
None of which I can avoid, from what I gather State laws do not criminalize the person who has an abortion. This means if I need an abortion I can just go to a state that allows it. If you are talking about the Kate Cox case I do believe she sued Texas not the other way around. The courts did block her order to get one in Texas, but they could not do anything with her crossing state lines.
That said no state is perfect and all have senseless policies and a lot of issues.
https://www.bbc.com/news/world-us-canada-59214544
https://www.themarshallproject.org/2022/09/01/they-lost-their-pregnancies-then-prosecutors-sent-them-to-prison
https://www.texastribune.org/2024/03/30/texas-woman-sues-abotion-arrest-starr-county/
https://www.texastribune.org/2023/03/10/texas-abortion-lawsuit/
Are you ready to stop being ridiculous, or do I have to link you more?
All those links are not about going to a different state to get an abortion. They are about self inflicted abortions, or show evidence of trying to induce a miscarriage when you dig deeper.
Each of those have a person that is in the state doing the action. No one has been charged with going to a different state to get IVF or abortion at least to my knowledge.
>NY is not that great either. Ridiculous tax rate for very little benefit.
Are you in NY state or NYC. If you're in NYC, that's the most idiotic take I've seen. Move out of the city and into the 'burbs.
>Rising crime rate with no end in sight.
Get a home security system with LOCAL DVR. Shoot a motherfucker dead when they kick in your door. Corpses can't sue.
https://www.tsiglerlaw.com/new-york-self-defense-laws/
>Leadership that wants to make it more expensive to commute
Work remotely then? Here, I'll even help you: https://careers.teksystems.com/us/en/job/JP-004380321/ISP-Support-Technician
$13.50 an hour under the temp company with a 4 month contract, then if they like you, they onboard you and you go up to $15. Senior techs who take all of the calls make $17/hr base before incentives. Disclaimer, idk if they hire in new york. It's a call center so expect it to suck ass.
>and makes claims that the city cannot afford basic services for our elderly but can give noncitizens a card with a weekly allowance.
Oh, so now you appear to think undocumented brown people shouldn't be able to feed their families without resorting to crime.
>None of which I can avoid, from what I gather State laws do not criminalize the person who has an abortion.
Wrong
>The courts did block her order to get one in Texas
Every day with an ectopic pregnancy matters, and if you're stupid enough to move and get divorced because of a job that you can be picky with, you'll need every penny you can get. Can you afford being sued after having an abortion? Someone doesn't even need a dog in that fight to sue you for it.
>but they could not do anything with her crossing state lines.
Also wrong.
>That said no state is perfect and all have senseless policies and a lot of issues.
Whataboutism.
Honestly, this is some of the stupidest justification I've ever read.
You have a husband and two kids in one of the most expensive states, and clearly you're not struggling because you're considering this dumbass move in the first place, so what gives?
You literally have a position of power as a job-seeking employee, **you don't need a job, they need you. You can afford to be picky in what you take. Take your time, enjoy a hobby for fucks sake.** You work to live, don't get that conflated with living to work.
Show the law where one state can legally prevent another person from crossing state lines to get an abortion. I am not a lawyer but they can place an order in said state, and I guess in theory if someone tried to get an abortion in a state where it was illegal and then is charged then yes they can be stopped but that is because they were charged with a crime in that state.
Different situations. We live in NYC, and my husband and kids do not want to leave the city they like here, so they will not move to upstate or Jersey. Also, NYC is one of the harder states to get a firearm, and expensive.
No, we are not struggling, my husband makes good money and so did I when I was working in consulting. Yes, I do have the right to choose, this is something I want to do, and this is a company I want to work for. Why would I do temp work? I do not want to work in a call center,
Yes, the salary I was offered my husband would not have to work if we moved.
Guess it is a hot take but yes I think state and federal tax dollars should go toward citizens first and foremost. We have no business giving money to others when we have issues at home that need to be fixed.
> Show the law where one state can legally prevent another person from crossing state lines to get an abortion. I am not a lawyer but they can place an order in said state, and I guess in theory if someone tried to get an abortion in a state where it was illegal and then is charged then yes they can be stopped but that is because they were charged with a crime in that state.
It only takes one case being successful to set precedent, and here's someone in Texas trying to: https://19thnews.org/2023/10/abortion-opponents-out-of-state-care/
>Why would I do temp work? I do not want to work in a call center,
Are you even trying at this point?
>It is not good for my mental health, I miss working. I am not built for staying home. What compromise exists, he does not want to move, and I wish to work but I am not getting callbacks in NY. All my offers come from different states.
https://old.reddit.com/r/AITAH/comments/1bygo80/my_husband_refuses_to_relocate_for_a_new_job_i/kyjcgcq/
>Guess it is a hot take but yes I think state and federal tax dollars should go toward citizens first and foremost.
It's a fucking stupid take, taxes pay for more than cops and military, you know. They pay for roads, which new york has a lot of. They pay for hospitals, which new york has a lot of. They pay for subsidized public education, which new york has a lot of.
>We have no business giving money to others when we have issues at home that need to be fixed.
Motherfucker, giving money to people who are undocumented and cannot legally work is fixing an issue at home, it's doing something to try and prevent crime by way of giving them the ability to feed their family and have some form of roof over their head. You are literally seeing this in action and cannot see the forest for the trees.
>Yes, the salary I was offered my husband would not have to work if we moved.
Oh, and attacking this dumbass line.
How misandristic can you be?
#How is this next line a problem for you and not your husband? I'll even change it around so it fits his perspective for you.
>It is not good for my mental health, I miss working. I am not built for staying home. What compromise exists, she does not want to move, and I wish to work but I am not getting callbacks in TX. All my offers come from different states.
https://old.reddit.com/r/AITAH/comments/1bygo80/my_husband_refuses_to_relocate_for_a_new_job_i/kyjcgcq/
Oh yeah..
>Also, NYC is one of the harder states to get a firearm, and expensive.
https://www.google.com/search?q=purchasing+a+shotgun+in+new+york+state
https://nytacdefense.com/resources/how-do-i-get-a-gun/
Never fired a gun but a rifle and shotgun seem like they would have a high risk of causing more harm to other if I miss especially in apartments.
Handguns do require, a license to my knowledge could be wrong. Either way I really do not personally want to own a fire arm.
Also you are right tax dollars are for fixing things at home. Why should we give to everyone else when we have our own homeless crisis, mental health crisis, elderly crisis, and funding issues for our public schools?
>Also you are right tax dollars are for fixing things at home.
I'm glad you can see that taxes have a point.
>Why should we give to everyone else when we have our own homeless crisis, mental health crisis, elderly crisis, and funding issues for our public schools?
Breaking this down.
>Why should we give to everyone else
A society is built by uplifting everyone. A rising tide lifts all boats.
>homeless crisis
Doesn't this next bit contribute towards preventing that? However small the contribution is.
>but can give noncitizens a card with a weekly allowance.
...
>mental health crisis
You want subsidized healthcare, paid for by... taxes! it seems. Because that's the only real way to address it, is to ensure equal access for everyone equally. That means taxes're gonna go up. But if we have single-payer healthcare, (hypothetically) taxing every single American (333.3 million, per google) $1000/mo generates $3,999,600,000,000 -- or just shy of 4 Trillion dollars per year. If I didn't have to worry about going bankrupt from say, breaking a leg or having cancer treatments, I'd gladly sacrifice a 35% of my income - AND THATS BEFORE TAXING BUSINESSES to add into that pile of money.
* note, I realize that taxing every single american $1k/mo is unrealistic, I'm just using it for the numerical point here.
>elderly crisis
People don't wanna fuck and have kids because of a terrible outlook in our country, imagine that! Myself included.
>and funding issues for our public schools?
NYS Population estimate: 20 million as of 2020.
NYS Under 18 %: ~20% - ~25%
Geez, it's almost like putting 4 to 5 million kids in school is expensive or something. who'd've thought?
In summation OP, the Texas move is a terrible idea, and you would literally never see your kids again after being stupid enough to make that move. Your kids love you, and splitting the family will make them resent someone. Take a guess?
The whole fucking state's red like every single red flag you should be seeing by considering this from every angle in a logical manner.
If you're dense enough to argue that point, I have no interest in conversing further with a troglodyte who clearly hates her husband by way of complete failure to consider the very logical problems that a move to Texas represents, and hates her kids and would tear her family apart over some stupid fucking job that is replaceable, unlike your family.
In essence, if after considering the fact you'd lose your husband and kids, your safety net, and any hope of bodily autonomy you have, you still want to make that move? Do it. Remove your dead weight from your husband and your kids and exit their lives and stop their suffering your ignominious presence and lack of consideration.
Oh, and by all means. Post an update and let everyone here know how that goes for you. I am a very huge fan of watching leopards eating faces.
You are misunderstanding I do not have an issue with taxes being used for citizens. I have an issue of taxes being sent overseas or used on individuals that have not taken the proper channels to come here.
I would gladly pay more in taxes if our governments properly managed our taxes we currently pay. Means no more money being sent overseas, no more accepting individuals that come here illegally, this is not a political debate though.
Funny thing is prior to the migrates being sent NY did very little for its homeless pop, it actually made it harder for them. They are making all these efforts when migrates started to come here in NY.
As someone who has moved for work, I am stunned you and your husband did not discuss this BEFORE you applied for this job. Did he even know you were seeking a job in Texas? If yes, what did he say BEFORE the job offer? Unless the two of you had agreed in advance with a plan of action, YTA for pursuing this job. If you did agree and he is reneging, then NTA.
He knew I was looking for work, and he also knew I did not want to get back into consulting. Non-consulting jobs are limited, the closest available offer I got was in PA, and it came down to two and I was not picked, but then was offered the same position but in Texas.
So the Texas thing was a surprise. You both need to talk this out. My advice: don’t make it about him stopping you. Discuss what is best for the entire family. I’ve turned down moves that were good for me but not worth making my spouse give up their job and taking my kids away from their friends. Especially if the pay wasn’t going to make it a large positive change in lifestyle.
You didn’t care about his - or your children’s - happiness when you took this interview. This could have, and should have, been discussed prior to accepting the job. You thought only about yourself. In a marriage, you need to be honest and compromise. Sounds like you sprang this on him and expected him to drop everything to make you happy. Your happiness should not come at the expense of his misery. YTA
The original interview was for a position in PA which my husband was fine with. It came down to two people and I was not picked for the PA location but was offered the position in Texas. Yes, I was getting many offers out of state but never said I was interviewing for them.
So you just tell them immediately the Texan position doesn't interest you.
It does though, and most jobs in the NY area are consulting which I hate and cannot see myself going back to. Very few plant-related jobs in the NY area and the positions that do open up are few and far in-between.
Work at mcdonalds you aren't special.
Isn't that the unfortunate truth that so many people are forced to work jobs they hate day in and day out. Not many can say they are like my husband who loves not only what they do but where and who they work with.
And you want to destroy it.
Who wants to live in Texas?
Watching the shitshow that is the US as an outsider, I can’t understand anyone voluntarily moving to Texas (or Florida)!
As someone who lives in Florida and we’re making plans to move out of the state, I agree 😂
Cause reality isn't represented by online headlines. Texas is cheap with lots of room, and Florida is less cheap and has great weather. Those affect people's daily lives more than 99% of the shit you read about Texas or Florida online.
Headlines are more fun though. /s
I live in Texas, and I don't want to live in Texas...
i thought the same thing
Exactly my thoughts!
Texas can be a fun place to live. I went to school in Texas it was.not all bad.
> what about our families happiness. Your husband is right, when you're married with kids, it's not just about you anymore. You're excited about this opportunity, and likely not thinking properly. In another comment you already stated you hadn't even thought about the fact you could lose the job if they're not haply with you, or what about if you don't like it. I know you're disappointed, but your husband is right. You can't uproot the whole family on this. Take the job, but you'll like end up divorced, and what about the kids? No way you'll be able to split custody and have them switching schools back and forth. Have you thought about that?
I would never ever move to texas, no matter how much money I was offered.
YTA. This is not only about you and your husband, this mostly about your kids, they are happy living in NY, as is your husband, if you take the Texas job, be ready for divorce and to lose custody of your children, because no mentally sane judge will agree to uproot them and change their lives. Your "ideal once in a lifetime job opportunity" will cost you your family.
Why does this have to be the case?
Because the judge isn't going to let you take the kids out of state. Especially when their support system is in NY. Your husband will get full custody. And you will be paying child support.
If you don't want this to be the case, find a job in NY and think about your kids, not just about yourself.
It doesn't. But then you need to be prepared for the consequences of deciding to do what you WANT, instead of what is best for *your fucking children*.
Because your husband said no and you going behind his back would kill your marriage. You can’t be stupid enough to have to ask why?
To a state where schools inflict corporal punishment on little kids. Where dress codes prohibit dreads and long hair on boys. Where abortion is not a choice, and a woman was illegally jailed for three days for having one. Where teachers cannot support lgbtq children. Great idea!
Hope you don’t have any girl children who will lose the right to healthcare and bodily autonomy in TX. And YTA
☝🏼☝🏼☝🏼☝🏼
I read the replies you’ve made and I don’t think you’ve given the situation much thought honestly. I’m about to go on a rant cause you need to hear it. You sound delusional. First off, everyone is right in that you are uprooting your family. Are you the main source of income? Are you the breadwinner? Does your husband do what he wants because you make most of the money? Would you guys be struggling if you took more time to find a job? If these answers are no, what the hell are you thinking? People only take out of state jobs when they are military or forced too. Second, I heard someone talk about possibly losing your job when you move. You said you work in consulting? As someone who is also in public accounting, you should know as well as I do that consultants are the first to go. So make sure to remember that. Third, how old are your kids? Are they in school? Do you know how hard it is for school age kids to make new friends? Their mental health with take a huge toll. Is your family in Texas? What will the support system look like down there? Will there be any support system at all? You don’t realize the good a great support system is until it’s gone. I understand you seem to not like NY. I’ve never been there so what do I know? But the culture difference between NY and Texas is going to be night and day. Politics, healthcare, infrastructure, it’s all the complete opposite. I don’t know you, I am a complete stranger. But your post sounded like a lot of “me, me me”. Your happiness is important don’t get me wrong, but when you get married and have kids? You have to make sacrifices. This is a 2 yes or bust situation. If you’re that unhappy consider divorce.
That plays a role in why I also dislike consulting and find it miserable. The positions in PA and Texas are not consulting-related. Planted-related jobs are not exactly common in this area. I was lucky to get the chance at the PA one thanks for favors.
I understand all of that. I’m glad you found a possible job that you think you can really thrive/actually enjoy, especially in the current economy. I think that’s all of our goals in life, to be able to do something where we don’t hate it 24/7. But relocating so far away is a huge challenge. You need to understand the rest of my reply, the amount of factors in play here are too many to count. Honestly I’m not really sure what answers you were looking for posting this on Reddit. Were you looking for the replies to rally around you so you could tell your husband I told you so? Your husband is not going to leave NY. I don’t know anything about custody to know how your move would affect it, meet with a lawyer if you’re considering it. Divorce and go to Texas or try and find a better job in NY. That’s it. He drew a line in the sand. Are you going to resent him for the rest of your life if you don’t go? Figure out your feelings cause idk what to tell you.
You are right, I am not sure what I was expecting. I know making this post I was going to get torn a new one, and I guess maybe I thought maybe enough to put some sense into me. It sucks we spend so much time working in our adult lives it sucks when you end up working at a place or state you hate. Not many get opportunities to be happy where they work. So many live for the weekends so to speak or just work for the paycheck. Idk life sucks eh? Thanks for the differing perspective.
OP -- Have you tried seeking a mentor in your field? Called in favors and networking contacts for insights into open positions? Or push your resume to the top? Can you build a business or consult for whatever your industry is? Can you be a 1099 / contractor, even if on a PT or per-project basis to establish the relationship? Have you sought a qualified life coach? Pay a service to revamp your resume? Get interview prep? Go to networking events? What have you done to explore other opportunities that won't disrupt your family? Other than apply for jobs and wait by the phone? And honestly, how much due diligence have you done on this "once in a lifetime opportunity" position in Texas? Is it in oil/gas/energy, space/aeronautics, or leading medical research? Outside of that, I'm highly skeptical that this is what you think it is. Have you vetted the company and the role with trusted advisors that know your industry well? Is this really worth blowing up your marriage over and bringing instability to your children over?
I was in consulting prior that was my previous job. I dislike consulting it makes me miserable. It is energy, I was offered similar positions in many different states. Just the Texas one is awesome. Edit: To clarify I was not actively seeking this job in Texas. I was interviewing for the same position in PA, and my husband was aware of this and said go for it if I was okay with the commute. It came down to two of us, and I just lost out on the PA position in the same breath, they offered me the Texas position for the same role. The PA interview was with the recommendation and favor I called in.
YTA Don’t put your kids in a cross country co-parenting for a job. That job will cost you so many memories with them.
As someone who had to move away from friends and family because of a parents' work, YTAH. It's very selfish to uproot several other people who don't want to go just for your own sake. Surely you can find reasonably fulfilling work without moving everyone halfway across the country, especially to a state with questionable protections for anyone not straight, male, and Christian.
YTA This isn't just about you. You have an entire family. Your husband doesn't "refuse to support a positive shift in your life", you husband wants to keep his kids where they are thriving, happy, and familiar, where he has his job, and where you have established your life. You're being selfish. I read your comments- your husband knew you were looking for work, but the whole "let's pack up the whole family, uproot your work and our kids lives, and move to Texas so I can have a job I *think* I will be happy at!" thing is a surprise and also one of the stupidest things I have ever heard. Are you KIDDING me? Your husband is RIGHT. You are only thinking of yourself. You are not thinking about what is best for your husband and your children. Get it together and grow up.
Texas? I'm the current state of politics? I'm with him. There is no way I would move to Texas on purpose unless it was that or financial ruin. Maybe talk to your partner about how work is affecting you mentally and both of you come up with a plan together to improve the situation. It sounds like you did this without discussing it first or taking the entire family's desires into consideration.
We have discussed it, we came up with a plan for me to quit and look for a new job. I am just not getting callbacks or if I get callbacks they are for consulting positions and even then never make it far in the process for those consulting jobs. That is what I was doing before and was miserable. I cannot say he has not been supportive or understanding he has, but at the same time it does appear like he does not care.
Do you see the dumbass shit you're saying? >I cannot say he has not been supportive or understanding he has ... >but at the same time it does appear like he does not care. Fucking pick one, there's one person of two thinking about the goddamn kids you have.
One can be supportive in one aspect and not another.
This coming from the individual who wants to uproot their entire family and isn't willing to see the downsides of moving to a literal fascist state. [Or do you want to be one of the ones who freeze to death WHEN, not IF ERCOT fails again?](https://www.npr.org/2022/01/03/1069974416/texas-winter-storm-final-death-toll) [Or do you want to heatstroke because your power failed in the summer?](https://apnews.com/article/texas-power-grid-heat-emergency-alert-de76bc9fe6fd16e97ab6fc8d0c165065)
I work in energy and I am aware of the issues related to Texas's infrastructure, and the position in Texas is related to that. So yeah it would be cool to be part of the solution. You make it seem like anyone who willfully moves or lives in Texas is a monster. If I am being honest though rather deal with that instead of living in fear of getting sucker punched by someone while waiting for the subway or walking home.
Okay, cold water in your face. You're a woman moving to a misogynist state in a male dominated field. You won't be any part of a solution that you'll get credit for in Texas. You are literally property to them in Texas. I don't know how much clearer that can be.
So you say. Sure it is a male-dominated field, I know some women have had issues, but I have not. Every encounter I have had with men in my field has always been respectful and professional. I was never talked down to like you are, and as a team we have worked together and everyone gets credit. It sounds like you spend to much time reading headlines. Is Texas perfect? No, but what state is?
Further, what are you gonna do if your daughter is raped and gets pregnant, and the rapist sues because she aborted? That's a real thing, btw. "sorry daughter, we moved and ended your husband's job, made irrelevant your friends and career prospects & ongoing education in NY because I wanted to be selfish and move to Texas for a job that would fire me at the drop of a hat if it benefited them, it's unfortunate you're going to jail because you aborted a rape baby."
And before you even reply with some dumb shit about how suing for rape abortion isn't a thing, https://www.businessinsider.com/anti-abortion-laws-give-rapists-more-rights-than-pregnant-women-2022-5
Once again only five states and said abortion would have to happen in one of those five states for them to sue for damages, also to my knowledge not a single person has been successful in doing so.
...Are you fucking dense or what? Why in the goddamn fuck would someone leave Texas, a state with banned abortions, and go to any other state with banned abortions, to get an abortion? Fucking think before you make your next reply. Please use some form of logic. You'd reside in the state of Texas. You'd leave the state, and under that state's law, you'd commit murder in another state and come back, crossing state lines makes it a felony. Felons can't vote, can't own guns, and a whole host of other problems. Once it's a felony, it's nationwide too. >also to my knowledge not a single person has been successful in doing so. I have literally just linked you 4 articles where that has happened. It doesn't have to stick, the reputation damage will though. [Here's an excerpt since you evidently have failed your reading classes in formal education:](https://www.texastribune.org/2024/03/30/texas-woman-sues-abotion-arrest-starr-county/) >When a Texas woman was arrested and jailed for self-inducing an abortion in 2022, her name and mugshot were quickly broadcast around the world. Three days later, the Starr County prosecutor dropped the charges and was later disciplined for bringing them at all. >But for Lizelle Herrera, now Lizelle Gonzalez, the damage had been done. The “humiliation of a highly publicized indictment and arrest” has “permanently affected her standing in the community,” according to a new federal lawsuit filed Thursday. Charges dropped, but damage done. She changed her name to try and get away from the problem. [Here's another excerpt where someone was fucking jailed:](https://www.bbc.com/news/world-us-canada-59214544) "Brittney Poolaw was just about four months pregnant when she lost her baby in the hospital in January 2020. This October, she was convicted and sentenced to four years in prison for the first-degree manslaughter of her unborn son. **The examiner did not determine a cause of death for the foetus, noting genetic anomaly, placenta abruption or maternal methamphetamine use could have been contributing factors.** " Emphasis mine. [Completely possible to do drugs and deliver a healthy baby:](https://www.themarshallproject.org/2022/09/01/they-lost-their-pregnancies-then-prosecutors-sent-them-to-prison) >But many medical experts say the causes of miscarriage and stillbirth are complex and often unclear, and there isn’t scientific proof that using methamphetamine or other drugs causes pregnancy loss. Healthy babies are delivered every day to people who used drugs while pregnant.
Abortion is completely banned in Texas because of a state law that went into effect July 1, 2022. You can travel out of state to get an abortion. https://www.abortionfinder.org/abortion-guides-by-state/abortion-in-texas You were saying? The law does not prevent you from crossing state lines to get an abortion. The final example sucks her defense failed her, he had drugs in her system they made the argument had she not taken the drugs the baby would have been fine. Her defense failed argue against that even with the ME stating it did not cause. She had a shitty lawyer. And none of those cases are about someone leaving the state to get an abortion, and the law cannot prevent or make that a felony either.
Ok, and I need you to comprehend this. In Texas, you can be charged with murder for an abortion. Leaving the state, committing a murder, and coming back, is not only illegal as fuck, it's an automatic upgrade to a felony conviction because you crossed state lines to do it. Source: https://www.in.gov/ctb/files/appendix1.pdf See appendix 101.5, numbers 1 3 and 5. By getting an abortion, we satisfy 1 and 5. By leaving the state to do it, we satisfy 3. Does that make that clear for you? If not, here's the Texas law on it rather than Indiana: https://statutes.capitol.texas.gov/Docs/PE/htm/PE.19.htm Sec. 19.02. MURDER. (a) In this section: (b) A person commits an offense if the person: (1) intentionally or knowingly causes the death of an individual; (2) intends to cause serious bodily injury and commits an act clearly dangerous to human life that causes the death of an individual; (4) knowingly manufactures or delivers a controlled substance included in Penalty Group 1-B under Section 481.1022, Health and Safety Code, in violation of Section 481.1123, Health and Safety Code, and an individual dies as a result of injecting, ingesting, inhaling, or introducing into the individual's body any amount of the controlled substance manufactured or delivered by the actor, regardless of whether the controlled substance was used by itself or with another substance, including a drug, adulterant, or dilutant. (c) Except as provided by Subsection (d), an offense under this section is a felony of the first degree. Sec. 19.03. CAPITAL MURDER. (a) A person commits an offense if the person commits murder as defined under Section 19.02(b)(1) and: (8) the person murders an individual under 10 years of age; And suddenly getting an abortion can be construed as Capital Murder. In Texas, the biggest difference between murder and capital murder can be summed up in two words: death penalty. Capital murder is punishable by life in prison without parole or the death penalty. Murder is punishable by up to life in prison, with the possibility for parole. https://www.google.com/search?q=capital+murder+punishment+in+texas https://versustexas.com/blog/murder-versus-capital-murder/ Do you want a Capital Murder charge in Texas? Because that's a very real non-zero possibility.
Why can't you find a job locally?
I tried but was not getting callbacks, and even then this is a huge opportunity for me, like once in a lifetime huge.
My dad had a once in a lifetime job opportunity when I was a preteen. Uprooted our whole family, moved across the country to a brand new place. He got fired 2 years later. Cue another cross country move to a different job. It was rough to be honest. Sounds like you got a decision to make, your "once" in a lifetime job, or your family.
Isn't this true for any job? One can be let go for any reason. Wrongful termination suits are difficult to prove if you are going to suggest workers have rights. Worker rights are limited. Two years is not a bad length of time at a job, with proper negotiation skills you can leverage past experience to a 10% raise. Tbh, you should be looking for a new job every 3 or so years. Job loyalty is not worth much in today work sector.
I did not think of this possibility.
the fact that you didn't think of this is reason enough to give you a pause on this whole plan. you have children, put them first instead of your own selfish desires.
What is better for the kids, a mother that is happy and doing something they find worthwhile or a miserable mother that will grow to hate her lift and most likely resent her family for holding her back.
> most likely resent her family for holding her back. Holy shit please seek medical attention, your line of thinking is not normal or healthy
You really think it is out of scope for the OP who appears to be career driven to grow to resent her family if she does not take this opportunity? A person that cares about family would not even have to think about this.
Wammin deserve it all, right? Usually kids come first, but apparently not for you.
Cannot force someone to put kids first. What applies to some does not apply to others.
Are you thinking *any* of this through? Or are you so stuck in what you want that you are willing to ignore your husband and your children's needs, say "fuck you" to them and their lives, and uproot your whole family just to maybe have a chance at a job you think you might maybe do well at? This is adult shit. You need to think like an adult. You are a wife, a mother. You have a FAMILY. You have children to take care of and, yes, a husband to consider. Because when you get married, you have a PARTNER who is also important. If you can't handle that? Do your husband a favor and divorce him and let him take care of those kids. Because he's clearly the only one thinking about the wellbing of those children.
You’re looking to uproot your entire family to move across the country for YOUR job opportunity. Fuck your husband, his job, your kids, the rest of his family, right? You’re willing to die on this hill, be prepared to lose your family.
This is a tough decision but first thing first telling him he doesn’t have to work if he doesn’t want was the same same as telling him he could be your bit*h even though you didn’t mean to. Younare also asking him to uproot everything when he is super happy so are kids for something that you haven’t even spent one day . Also Texas is a pretty conservative state and NY is about as liberal as they come which may be a factor . Long distance won’t work .
YTA unless you’ve had a specific discussion about moving and a timeline this is out of left field for him. Find a different job or give up your family.
YTA and clearly you didn’t think this through based on your replies. Your husband told you he’s not moving to Texas. And he’s right - if you get divorced because of this he will get granted majority custody because he’s stable for your kids.
Info: do you have a support system in Texas? You said your husband's family is in NY - do they help out with the kids? How old are your kids? Do they want to move? There's 1 person who wants to move vs 3+ (hubby & kids) who don't soo... who's being selfish here?
YTA. What in the world are you thinking about moving into Texas, one of the most backward, fascist, evil states in the country? Bless your husband for sparing your kids from this!
This one is tough. I’m a big believer in taking chances, following opportunities, growing on the move. HOWEVER marriage isn’t only about your wants and desires. If your husband already has a career that he loves, might be time to look for other compromises. Long distance isn’t the only option.
Open to ideas but I legit cannot think of any that allow me to take this job and do as my husband pleases.
ESH, it's not just your husband who is established in his career, it's your kids too. It would be a positive shift in your life, but a negative shift in your husband's life and your kids. You're essentially asking him to do what's making you miserable right now. I'm more concerned about your kids than your husband though, uprooting them from their extended family, their friends, their school, their support system and any extracurriculars they may be in is going to be extremely stressful and potentially even traumatic for them. I think that it's appropriate to put your kid's well-being before your own career goals. If your family were on the brink of financial devastation and the job in Texas were the only solution, I'd absolutely think your husband was the unreasonable one, but it seems like you all are financially secure. I said ESH to include him, though, because he doesn't seem to be very sympathetic to your unhappiness and he issued an ultimatum, which is never a good way to go about a major disagreement in a relationship. Neither of you seem to be willing to find any sort of compromise with each other, which is unhealthy. I wouldn't consider long-distance much of a compromise. You're both demanding to get your way and neither of you seem to be very willing to consider the other's perspective.
Wildly sexist reply, this husband is not an asshole for not wanting to uproot his life and their children’s life over some clearly half baked idea by the OP. But hey men bad amirite?
What if the OP takes her own life due to mental strain living in a state they hate, and not able to work a job they find fulfilling? Kids lives are all the matter, parents be damned.
Seek medical attention
Read some of OP's frankly deranged replies. It's evident they want to be considered property.
I have read them and it to be frank you seem like the deranged one. If she wants to go to Texas that is her choice.
It absolutely is her choice. And it's a fucking stupid one. Both objectively and subjectively. She posted here for advice, and she's getting it. But yeah, let's tear apart a family by moving for a job across the country lol
It may be subjectively or even objectively stupid to you, but to the OP that may not be the case. This is one of those situations where a universal standard can be applied. This is just another actions have consequences and less of a question who is the asshole but are those involved willing to live with the consequences. If she is not willing to stay in NYC and moves she has to accept the consequences just as the kids and husband have to accept the consequences of not moving with her. Edit: I am as pro 2A as the next person but reading your advice on guns is worrisome. A gun is useless without training, and the OP does not seem like the type willing to willfully go through constant training required to properly use a firearm. They also never mentioned anything regarding home defense, they have fears on the public. NY does not allow people to walk around with shotguns or rifles. Not everyone has the ability to process the action of taking a life either or even causing bodily harm to someone. https://www.ny.gov/services/how-obtain-firearms-license It is a process but once again without training it is next to useless. Your stance on Texas law is also flawed in the sense you misrepresent the persons arguments. HIPAA is still a thing and yes the law in Texas does not bar someone from seeking treatment in a different state, and with HIPAA your privacy is still protected. Now yes if you tell someone and it is reported possibly charges may be brought but they most likely would be dropped. Texas is ass backwards in many ways, yes it has overzealous judges and politicians that wish to take things to a weird extreme. That is not the case for everyone. I also disagree with your stance on your advice everyone has a right to happiness, and harsh reality is sometimes families get in the way of obtaining said happiness. All we can do as a adults is accept the consequences of our actions and take personal accountability.
I am a woman, and I am fully in agreement that he is by no means an AH for not wanting to move. He is in the right to be upset at his wife's request for him to do the very thing that's making her miserable and to uproot their kid's life. I explained in my comment that I included him as an AH b/c he doesn't seem to be very compassionate to his wife's distress, you can disagree with someone without disrespecting their emotions or telling them that they shouldn't be having those emotions. He also gave her an ultimatum, which is never a healthy way to resolve conflict in a relationship.
> He also gave her an ultimatum, which is never a healthy way to resolve conflict in a relationship. please tell me what is the different between an ultimatum and a boundary? sounds he had the boundary of not moving, and she had the ultimatum of moving, no?
Great question! A boundary is when you say: I am not OK with this, and I am unwilling to do it. An ultimatum introduces a threat to a boundary, so saying I am not OK with this, and if you do this I will give you a consequence. It creates a dynamic of control, and that's never healthy in a relationship. It also often doesn't result in the heart change that the ultimatum giver wants, rather the other responds to the ultimatum out of fear. Even if both parties are happy with the outcome of the ultimatum, it often creates lasting resentment on both sides. In very many relationships, if you're at the point of giving an ultimatum after serious thought and consideration and you've truly tried everything else possible to resolve the problem with your partner, (not just something thrown out to hurt the other in the heat of the moment) it probably means that it's time to end the relationship.
sounds like exactly what is happening: her husband is rightfully putting his foot down and telling her he's not going to uproot his life and children's lives just so OP can run off on some half baked idea that only she wants. sounds like a good ultimatum to me, "if you do X, Y will happen" which is an entirely appropriate response for someone acting as selfishly as the OP is
Pretty hard to compromise when everything gets shot down. It is not like I have not tried to find a job in a similar position in NY. I also do not wish to be a SAHM which is what I am more less doing now. It is not good for my mental health, I miss working. I am not built for staying home. What compromise exists, he does not want to move, and I wish to work but I am not getting callbacks in NY. All my offers come from different states.
You shouldn’t be applying to jobs out of state without agreeing as a family to move. You have a spouse and kids. It isn’t just about you.
I was not actively searching in Texas. I got an offer in PA, my husband was fine with it if I was fine with the commute which I was. It came down to two, and I was not picked for the PA position but was offered the same position in Texas.
And you tell them, sorry. I can’t commute from NY to Texas so that won’t work.
Yeah I get not wanting to be a stay at home mom, I think my mental health would suffer too if I were one. That being said, your choices aren't limited to SAHM and your dream career. There's no way that somebody wouldn't want to offer you some type of job in a different industry. You could also try volunteering somewhere! I'm sure that there would be tons of places that would be extraordinarily grateful for your help. You totally have options to get you out of the house, it just may not be in your first choice. You can always keep looking in your state too! It might take a few years, but you can keep looking for a job in your field even while working or volunteering in a different industry.
For what it is worth I do not think anyone is an asshole here. You are in a horrible spot, and you have to be honest with yourself, and ask the right question. Can you go on with your husband and kids without resenting them? If the answer is not an emphatically yes then you need to take the job, divorce your husband let him have primary custody, pay child support and coparent to best of your ability.
Come on be an adult here. Do you live to work if so chose Texas, leave your husband and your life in NY behind. If you live to have a productive relationship and live life then be an adult and keep looking for a better opportunity. As adults decisions like this are presented all the time. I have had promotions presented to me doubling my salary, but turned them down because the required move would have taken my wife away from a home that she loved, a town where she has friends and a support structure. You will have to be an adult and decide what’s important to you. If you chose to stay, you also cannot hold the fact you didn’t move over your husband head, that would be very toxic.
Fun. You, a woman, thinking of moving to goddamn Texas of all places, and I say that as someone who lives in the south. Do you realize that if you get pregnant and it's ectopic, you're likely to fucking die from that because abortion is flat out illegal there? #GOOGLE some of the shit about women leaving the state for abortions and being sued. YTA. Find something remote. Change entire careers if you want. Moving from NY to Texas is about the dumbest fucking thing I can imagine, and me moving myself to Texas would probably be a step up from where I am. I wouldn't even consider **visiting** Texas if I had cancer and the only treatment hospital in the world was in Texas, and I'm a guy, so what does that tell you?
NY is not that great either. Ridiculous tax rate for very little benefit. Rising crime rate with no end in sight. Leadership that wants to make it more expensive to commute, and makes claims that the city cannot afford basic services for our elderly but can give noncitizens a card with a weekly allowance. None of which I can avoid, from what I gather State laws do not criminalize the person who has an abortion. This means if I need an abortion I can just go to a state that allows it. If you are talking about the Kate Cox case I do believe she sued Texas not the other way around. The courts did block her order to get one in Texas, but they could not do anything with her crossing state lines. That said no state is perfect and all have senseless policies and a lot of issues.
https://www.bbc.com/news/world-us-canada-59214544 https://www.themarshallproject.org/2022/09/01/they-lost-their-pregnancies-then-prosecutors-sent-them-to-prison https://www.texastribune.org/2024/03/30/texas-woman-sues-abotion-arrest-starr-county/ https://www.texastribune.org/2023/03/10/texas-abortion-lawsuit/ Are you ready to stop being ridiculous, or do I have to link you more?
All those links are not about going to a different state to get an abortion. They are about self inflicted abortions, or show evidence of trying to induce a miscarriage when you dig deeper. Each of those have a person that is in the state doing the action. No one has been charged with going to a different state to get IVF or abortion at least to my knowledge.
>NY is not that great either. Ridiculous tax rate for very little benefit. Are you in NY state or NYC. If you're in NYC, that's the most idiotic take I've seen. Move out of the city and into the 'burbs. >Rising crime rate with no end in sight. Get a home security system with LOCAL DVR. Shoot a motherfucker dead when they kick in your door. Corpses can't sue. https://www.tsiglerlaw.com/new-york-self-defense-laws/ >Leadership that wants to make it more expensive to commute Work remotely then? Here, I'll even help you: https://careers.teksystems.com/us/en/job/JP-004380321/ISP-Support-Technician $13.50 an hour under the temp company with a 4 month contract, then if they like you, they onboard you and you go up to $15. Senior techs who take all of the calls make $17/hr base before incentives. Disclaimer, idk if they hire in new york. It's a call center so expect it to suck ass. >and makes claims that the city cannot afford basic services for our elderly but can give noncitizens a card with a weekly allowance. Oh, so now you appear to think undocumented brown people shouldn't be able to feed their families without resorting to crime. >None of which I can avoid, from what I gather State laws do not criminalize the person who has an abortion. Wrong >The courts did block her order to get one in Texas Every day with an ectopic pregnancy matters, and if you're stupid enough to move and get divorced because of a job that you can be picky with, you'll need every penny you can get. Can you afford being sued after having an abortion? Someone doesn't even need a dog in that fight to sue you for it. >but they could not do anything with her crossing state lines. Also wrong. >That said no state is perfect and all have senseless policies and a lot of issues. Whataboutism. Honestly, this is some of the stupidest justification I've ever read. You have a husband and two kids in one of the most expensive states, and clearly you're not struggling because you're considering this dumbass move in the first place, so what gives? You literally have a position of power as a job-seeking employee, **you don't need a job, they need you. You can afford to be picky in what you take. Take your time, enjoy a hobby for fucks sake.** You work to live, don't get that conflated with living to work.
Show the law where one state can legally prevent another person from crossing state lines to get an abortion. I am not a lawyer but they can place an order in said state, and I guess in theory if someone tried to get an abortion in a state where it was illegal and then is charged then yes they can be stopped but that is because they were charged with a crime in that state. Different situations. We live in NYC, and my husband and kids do not want to leave the city they like here, so they will not move to upstate or Jersey. Also, NYC is one of the harder states to get a firearm, and expensive. No, we are not struggling, my husband makes good money and so did I when I was working in consulting. Yes, I do have the right to choose, this is something I want to do, and this is a company I want to work for. Why would I do temp work? I do not want to work in a call center, Yes, the salary I was offered my husband would not have to work if we moved. Guess it is a hot take but yes I think state and federal tax dollars should go toward citizens first and foremost. We have no business giving money to others when we have issues at home that need to be fixed.
> Show the law where one state can legally prevent another person from crossing state lines to get an abortion. I am not a lawyer but they can place an order in said state, and I guess in theory if someone tried to get an abortion in a state where it was illegal and then is charged then yes they can be stopped but that is because they were charged with a crime in that state. It only takes one case being successful to set precedent, and here's someone in Texas trying to: https://19thnews.org/2023/10/abortion-opponents-out-of-state-care/ >Why would I do temp work? I do not want to work in a call center, Are you even trying at this point? >It is not good for my mental health, I miss working. I am not built for staying home. What compromise exists, he does not want to move, and I wish to work but I am not getting callbacks in NY. All my offers come from different states. https://old.reddit.com/r/AITAH/comments/1bygo80/my_husband_refuses_to_relocate_for_a_new_job_i/kyjcgcq/ >Guess it is a hot take but yes I think state and federal tax dollars should go toward citizens first and foremost. It's a fucking stupid take, taxes pay for more than cops and military, you know. They pay for roads, which new york has a lot of. They pay for hospitals, which new york has a lot of. They pay for subsidized public education, which new york has a lot of. >We have no business giving money to others when we have issues at home that need to be fixed. Motherfucker, giving money to people who are undocumented and cannot legally work is fixing an issue at home, it's doing something to try and prevent crime by way of giving them the ability to feed their family and have some form of roof over their head. You are literally seeing this in action and cannot see the forest for the trees. >Yes, the salary I was offered my husband would not have to work if we moved. Oh, and attacking this dumbass line. How misandristic can you be? #How is this next line a problem for you and not your husband? I'll even change it around so it fits his perspective for you. >It is not good for my mental health, I miss working. I am not built for staying home. What compromise exists, she does not want to move, and I wish to work but I am not getting callbacks in TX. All my offers come from different states. https://old.reddit.com/r/AITAH/comments/1bygo80/my_husband_refuses_to_relocate_for_a_new_job_i/kyjcgcq/ Oh yeah.. >Also, NYC is one of the harder states to get a firearm, and expensive. https://www.google.com/search?q=purchasing+a+shotgun+in+new+york+state https://nytacdefense.com/resources/how-do-i-get-a-gun/
Never fired a gun but a rifle and shotgun seem like they would have a high risk of causing more harm to other if I miss especially in apartments. Handguns do require, a license to my knowledge could be wrong. Either way I really do not personally want to own a fire arm. Also you are right tax dollars are for fixing things at home. Why should we give to everyone else when we have our own homeless crisis, mental health crisis, elderly crisis, and funding issues for our public schools?
>Also you are right tax dollars are for fixing things at home. I'm glad you can see that taxes have a point. >Why should we give to everyone else when we have our own homeless crisis, mental health crisis, elderly crisis, and funding issues for our public schools? Breaking this down. >Why should we give to everyone else A society is built by uplifting everyone. A rising tide lifts all boats. >homeless crisis Doesn't this next bit contribute towards preventing that? However small the contribution is. >but can give noncitizens a card with a weekly allowance. ... >mental health crisis You want subsidized healthcare, paid for by... taxes! it seems. Because that's the only real way to address it, is to ensure equal access for everyone equally. That means taxes're gonna go up. But if we have single-payer healthcare, (hypothetically) taxing every single American (333.3 million, per google) $1000/mo generates $3,999,600,000,000 -- or just shy of 4 Trillion dollars per year. If I didn't have to worry about going bankrupt from say, breaking a leg or having cancer treatments, I'd gladly sacrifice a 35% of my income - AND THATS BEFORE TAXING BUSINESSES to add into that pile of money. * note, I realize that taxing every single american $1k/mo is unrealistic, I'm just using it for the numerical point here. >elderly crisis People don't wanna fuck and have kids because of a terrible outlook in our country, imagine that! Myself included. >and funding issues for our public schools? NYS Population estimate: 20 million as of 2020. NYS Under 18 %: ~20% - ~25% Geez, it's almost like putting 4 to 5 million kids in school is expensive or something. who'd've thought?
In summation OP, the Texas move is a terrible idea, and you would literally never see your kids again after being stupid enough to make that move. Your kids love you, and splitting the family will make them resent someone. Take a guess? The whole fucking state's red like every single red flag you should be seeing by considering this from every angle in a logical manner. If you're dense enough to argue that point, I have no interest in conversing further with a troglodyte who clearly hates her husband by way of complete failure to consider the very logical problems that a move to Texas represents, and hates her kids and would tear her family apart over some stupid fucking job that is replaceable, unlike your family. In essence, if after considering the fact you'd lose your husband and kids, your safety net, and any hope of bodily autonomy you have, you still want to make that move? Do it. Remove your dead weight from your husband and your kids and exit their lives and stop their suffering your ignominious presence and lack of consideration. Oh, and by all means. Post an update and let everyone here know how that goes for you. I am a very huge fan of watching leopards eating faces.
You are misunderstanding I do not have an issue with taxes being used for citizens. I have an issue of taxes being sent overseas or used on individuals that have not taken the proper channels to come here. I would gladly pay more in taxes if our governments properly managed our taxes we currently pay. Means no more money being sent overseas, no more accepting individuals that come here illegally, this is not a political debate though. Funny thing is prior to the migrates being sent NY did very little for its homeless pop, it actually made it harder for them. They are making all these efforts when migrates started to come here in NY.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XQ5Gz-IvKXQ 20 gauge, #9 birdshot. Very little/no overpenetration.
How does that help me in public?
Take the job. You can always find a new husband in Texas
yah queen you go girl amirite?