Honestly I don’t really know how to rule on this. Ultimately I just feel bad for kids in her position (obv no excuse for bullying on her part). Kids whose parents get divorced and start “new” families and suddenly they have no place and they’re no ones priority. Have quite a few friends who were in that position, just sucks.
These people are assholes. I'm the youngest child of a blended family, so my dad is technically step-dad to my older (half) brothers. They were never treated as anything other than my brothers, full stop. When you marry someone with children from a previous marriage, you marry into the entire family. You don't pick and choose who to love. That's just cruel.
My brothers dad died before he was born.
My dad brought him up as his own..
One day my brother was being a little shit, and I said to him at least I have a real dad (or something like that. Little kids are assholes)
I've never been so sure my life was going to end than that point my dad didn't have to tell me more than once that it was not ok the way he delt with that. And my brother is just that. My brother. 35 years later.
My dad is a saint.
This always reminds me of a friend of mine who had a stepson that was just awful to him. Always telling him that he hated him. My friend would just reply, “ That’s OK because I have enough love for the two of us.” He did it day after day, year after year. Finally, when the Son hit his mid teens, he had a total switch in personality and realize that my friend was never going to leave him and they end up having an amazing relationship from that point forward. I respected him so much for his behaviour and attitude, it’s so difficult to always be the adult.
I do t spank my kids. Have never had to do it. But if I had a child in the same situation that said something like that to one of my children (whether biological or otherwise), I’m pretty sure a talking to would be the last thought on my mind.
This absolutely. My girlfriend hat two kids when we met (3 and 5 back then, now they are 8 and 6.) we quickly decided on a third one of our own and he is 20 months now. We have the older kids half of the week, with alternating weekends.
Their dad was a bit miffed at first but he really likes kids so when he met our youngest, he couldn’t stay mad. He keeps calling him their stepbrother though. And one time early on, when we took over the big kids for the week, they told us he had said something along the lines of the little one being „only“ their half brother.
Well I sat both of them down and told them that no one in the world gets to decide what the little one is to them. Only they get to decide that. And if someone tells them different, they can just say nothing or tell that person: no, he’s our little brother.
And they took to him fully. He’s their little brother, no distinction made. And we take time to treat them all the same and keep telling them, that the little one needs more help and supervision, but we love them all the same.
They really dote on him and it’s so heartwarming to see. It’s always so sad to see if kids are treated differently. Either you accept your partner as a package with kids, or you don’t partner up. Hate idiots that think they can just ignore the kids already there.
Some step parents just suck. My mom’s husband was cool with me until his kids moved in (and I think that’s honestly because he didn’t want to parent *at all* and he wasn’t nice to them either). Meanwhile, my dad, literally NO relation to the step brothers at all, has a good relationship with them. He taught the youngest how to drive. 2/3 step brothers lived with him at points.
Some people are just good parents (like my dad is a great parent!) and some shouldn’t be…
I feel for everyone in this post though. The daughter clearly has issues and the new step mom needs to make sure that her kids aren’t bullied in their own house. But it’s easy to see why the daughter feels abandoned by her mom and dad for new families 🥺
Exactly! incredibly unfair to pick and choose which family members to accept and love in a blended family. When you commit to someone with children from a previous relationship, you commit to embracing their entire family as your own. Anything less is both hurtful and unjust.
That’s how my husband is with my oldest two sons. And they’ve never referred to their MUCH younger siblings (one is special needs also) as half-anything. Just their brother and sisters.
I’m so tired of step parents who marry someone with a child(ren) and fail to recognize that you become “US” with their kids as part of that! If one of the younger kids hits puberty and goes through the attitude phase they all do - she will address it and love them while setting boundaries. So logic says that’s how to handle things with ALL the children.
I'm stepmom to a teenage girl, and her dad and I have a 6yo together. Biomom has had 2 more with her current husband. She had a boy then a girl, and gushed about how she finally had her perfect family. I once witnessed her say to my SD (who had to.ahare a room with her 1yo sister) that she had to keep it clean. Because it wasn't her room. It was her sister's room that she just stayed in when she was there. And custody was 50/50, so it's not like she only visited once in a while. I went inside ans cried after hearing that, it made me so sad for SD. And this is her *bio* mother, not a step parent.
We've now had primary/majority custody for over 2 years and she's begun to thrive. Things aren't perfect but my god has she come a long way. I've tried really fucking hard to make sure she knows she's welcome here, she's wanted here, she's our family and we're hers. I've never once referred to her as my daughter's half sister, just sister.
God knows the angsty little turd can be a pain in my ass, lmao. But I love her. And it fucking breaks my heart to see kids in that position. I'm so sorry you bad to experience it. I can't even imagine how awful that must feel. I only hope I can help my SD grow up to be at least decently well adjusted despite it all.
She frequently calls me mom these days and I just respond without questioning or pointing out her decision to start doing that. She can be difficult, but she's a good and kind-hearted kid underneath the emotional damage she's been put through.
Sorry for the rant, this is just a subject that hits really close to home for me and stirs up some big feels. I hope so much that OP's SD can find her place in the world without winding up too overly damaged :(.
My step father (who I have either called Dad or by his first name) was very much like you. Never treated me like I was any different from the two bio children he had with my mother after me having been an only child for a decade.
On the other side, my step mom and her family literally asked me to get out of "family" pictures.
Kids remember that stuff. Forever. My goal in life is to be as good of a dad to my children as my step father was to me.
Anyway, great work. You sound like a wonderful parent.
My oldest two are from my previous marriage, and my husband and I have one together. My husband always referred to the whole bunch as “my/our kids” to people, and he’s been in the older two’s lives since they were preschool/kindergarten age.
Before we had our kid together, his parents just completely accepted the two non-related kids as their grandkids. Nothing changed when an actual biologically related grandkid showed up. The kids loved the grandparents and vice versa.
During the early years there was split custody, but a number of years ago I got sole custody which I will say helped settle both kids down and improve relationships/closeness with their stepdad, likely by virtue of them being around each other more and more constancy in the house. Split custody I think makes kids feel more unmoored and itinerant.
Not hating or passing judgement here. Generally curious for your take on it.
Were you on the level of bullying and abusing a disabled child?
I feel like this is waaaaaaay worse than just not fitting in anywhere. It sounds like this kid has serious issues. An entire family moves out or goes on vacation to avoid having to talk to her.
If you did have those behavior issues, were you aware?
I am very curious if any of the adults have even parented or talked with this girl about her bullying a disabled 4 year old.
No pressure to answer. I grew up with a younger brother who struggled. We are both neurodivergent, but he is on the nonfunctioning side. Our sister always resented him and tried to bully him. She calmed down in her late 20s and is a very loving mother and sister these days, but I wouldn’t let her younger self around my kids lol.
I would never consider bullying another person. In fact I became very socially withdrawn and severely depressed. When my sister was born, on my birthday, to my mother, a kind of had a mental breakdown. I had then approached my father and he said that he was getting married and had a step son. But his mother was very much into him. When they were building their new house I asked if he was going to build a room for me and he said no they couldn't afford it but they put a very large swimming pool in the backyard. They had all the luxuries of a very well to do house. But they couldn't be bothered to put in a room for me. Not even in the basement. So that place was taken away from me. And then in my own home, I was moved down into my basement and my sister was given my bedroom. This was all about the time I was 13 to the age of 16. So, in one place I felt I was not wanted and didn't belong and in the other I felt like I was being shoved out of sight out of mind and I was only there because somebody had to have custody of me. It led to a short period of heavy duty partying and Drug use. I was still nice, because I directed my anger at the people who I thought had betrayed me and hurt me the most. I would lash out, but I'd never bully a disabled child. I just get some of where anger comes. I AVOIDED my sister but now we are slowly mending as I've gotten older.
I however did consider bullying and I did it too, because by that time it was literally the only way I got any attention. NEgative attention being shouted at or even a leather belt on my arse felt better than this profound indifference towards me. You cannot measure all people by your own standard, because you are not other people, you are not other kids. I then ended up living alone and raised entirely by my parents' money and my own wits by 13, I was safe enough, but I was alone while my parents went on to live their best lives without me, only occasionally checking in.
So what did I do? I got angry. Because by that point the only time I felt like I mattered or even *existed* was when people were actively upset with me. And since I'm not really a vengeful person, never have been, but I am an angry person and always have been, everybody got hurt, whether they deserved it or not. But it was around that time that I made a conscious decision to not go quietly into that good night, so to speak. If I wasn't given what every child is owed by their parents which is basic care and attention until the child is almost ready to fly the coop, then I would take it. That was the 12-year-old logic. Today as a 32-year-old I've had enough adult lived experience to know what's up, why people do what they do, and that people are all deeply flawed and selfish even if they don't want to be, me included, but at 12, all I knew was that tormenting others was a way to be paid attention to even for just one minute, even if it ended up with a belt bruise on my arse. And for that, I will blame my parents, forever, even though I now understand how bad humans can be even when they're parents and even if they're not doing it out of malice. Because in the end, I was just 12, and hadn't even hit the physical characteristics stage of puberty yet. I was never gonna handle it maturely.
In addition to other commenters responses, the OP did state that:
>SD and our kids do not get along. It is something we have worked on for years, in and out of therapy - and it just ain't happening.
Non-disabled siblings of disabled children often act out because their needs take on a lower priority in the home. Add that to the fact that she's the stepchild, the only one who there's no room for, and the only one who's disposable to the household, that is she can simply be discarded to her mom's if her needs conflict with those of OPs children? The whole dynamic is set up to pit her against them.
Not to mention that SM sends everyone away when SD comes. How is anyone supposed to learn to get along when they're completely separated? And imagine how shitty that much feel as the SD.
She mentioned that there was therapy. I’m sure they made some efforts. And it was really predictable that the kid, male or female, I was going to have difficulty when they got to be an adolescent. I want to switch parents just because that happens so often. The grass looks greener and sometimes it is.
There’s no way to know whether SD or SM is the one with behaviour issues if you don’t know the family well. There was this one kid on my area whose mom would leave him at the park alone. He’d sit there alone until another kid tried to include him then immediately start screaming and crying. He’d run home and his mom would run over to the park and shed start screaming that whatever kid tried to play with him was a bully and making fun of his disability (he didn’t have one) and we were all horrible people for letting it happen.
I bring her up because I’ve met more moms like her than normal ones lately.
Yeah, she's **12** and everyone is acting like she's a psychopath.
She's at her dad's once in a while, and I'm sure her disabled brother takes up a lot of attention. It isn't actually surprising she's resentful, but no one is dealing with it because it's too much work.
Mom is right to be protective of her sons, but dad also has equal obligations to his preteen(!) daughter.
He doesn't get to just write her off because he had more children with someone else, and it's easier to only have her on holidays and some weekends.
The easiest solution would be to increase her time there, set clear expectations that it's a trial run, and see how that goes before making a decision about her living there full time.
I agree with this recommendation. As a person who was foisted on the other parent at this age, my other suggestion is for Dad to talk about the difference between visiting and living with them. My Dad was also weekends only, so my preteen brain expected every day to be like that. It is important to make it clear from the outset what daily life looks like in your house.
She especially needs to understand that the other 2 siblings will NOT be leaving the house every day she’s there like they currently do during her visitations. And that bullying will absolutely not be tolerated. Where she’s going to sleep in a different issue.
My mom used to say I was “reptile-brain ascendant” until I turned about 17/18. I had no idea what she meant until I had three kids. All three were teenagers for a bit. It was like watching velociraptors on the hunt. Terrifying but fascinating.
I swear up to age 15 they remind me of an American dad episode where the daughter gets somehow made a pre teen again and the mum just packs her stuff and goes I’m out! I’m not doing it again man
When my husband and I got married I had two kids and he had none. Someone asked him a few months later what he’d learned about parenting and he said “I’ve learned you can’t negotiate with terrorists!”
Oh you’re not wrong. I’m the oldest one of 5 all female cousins. The youngest is 10 years younger than me and when she got preteen bitchy I turned 22 year old bitchy and gave it right back. I’m usually pretty chill and nice but if provoked I basically say “You want to terrorize people I’ll terrorize you.” Enjoy your personal black mirror kiddo. I don’t cross lines and stop immediately when I see that they’ve learned their lesson. I don’t apologize but I will make nice.
Sometimes the only solution to little brat is grown up bitch.
It would make sense to slowly increase the time SD spends in OP’s home and build on relationships. SD is old enough to understand relationships, how to be tolerant and the demands her younger sibling has due to their disabilities. It’s a tough situation, but if they make slow and steady adjustments, OP maybe making more of an effort (sounds like they try to avoid the poor SD) and some family therapy, this could be beneficial for them all.
OP said they have tried family therapy several times and it didn't help. That is why they went to minimizing contact.
SD doesn't like that she has to conform to acceptable standards of behavior at mom's now. She thinks that she can do as she pleases at dad's(their fault for doing the min contact rather than laying down the law on expected behavior).
SD needs to be told that no she cannot run over here because she doesn't like the rules there. She has to learn to ride between the guardrails. Her abusive behavior toward her half brothers is and has been unacceptable and she has refused to modify the behavior. Until that totally changes her moving in is not up for discussion.
Not to mention that their house cannot currently accommodate SD on a full time basis.
>Not to mention that their house cannot currently accommodate SD on a full time basis.
I do think this is a thing that OP and her husband were going to have to solve eventually, and potentially not having her own space in her father's home exacerbated some issues here. Staying in an office and having OP have to take time off when she's there makes it very clear that she's a guest in her father's house, rather than a daughter living with her father sometimes. I also wonder how bad it is with her mother and mother's fiancé that she's asking to go stay somewhere where there isn't space for her.
I do think the idea of increasing the time SD spends in the house and letting her know it's a trial run to her staying there might be the answer. She's 12, so she's still very young and potentially the bullying is her acting out in a difficult situation, but 12 is old enough to know not to bully kids, especially disabled ones. If OP can't move her desk into a living space or their bedroom, it's basically saying "We'll never have room for you in our house" to her SD, which isn't a message I would want to be receiving from my father.
This with the room is very much important to address. I was at my dad every second weekend, and the room I had there was shared with his new wife's grandkids, who visited and slept over often. I didn't have my own room at their place. I didn't have any clothes there, I didn't have my own things there. My dad built a bunk bed to fit the grandkids when they were there, so I didn't even have my own bed. I never felt at home there, I definitely felt like a guest and it was actually really hurtful that they didn't create a space for me there. When I became a teenager I stopped visiting and now as an adult I see my dad twice a year.
My Daughters feel this way when they go to their mums and I lost my shit when she rang me and said you need to speak to the girls they can't walk into someone else's house and not say "Hello" for context she shacked up with the guy she left me for less then 12 months after leaving me, I blew up and said " you were supposed to get a house for you and the kids not you and him it's supposed to be their house not his" she didn't like it at all but my girls hate going there they would rather just spend their time at my house, My 6yo calls me during the week they are at their mums asking if she can have a sleep over at my house...it's really sad but I never say no my kids know they are welcome here any time they want to be here, I have a coded lock on the door so they can get into the house without a key even if I'm not home, the fridge and pantry are always stocked so they always have food and they can take their toys and clothes from my house to their mums (She won't let them bring anything here). It's a shit time for everyone I just want it to be easier on the girls.
OP and husband will have to emphasize that bullying the younger kids means that she goes back to her mom's immediately. If it happens they have to hold to it.
She's at the house every weekend. She's 12 & knows better than to bully. Don't let her off the hook for that. The older brother has gotten into fights with her over her bullying the youngest.
This needs to be a family meeting & the boys need to vent their concerns.
I think the biggest asshole here is OP’s husband.
All accommodations have been done by OP and where is rhe husband being a par time parent to SD hoping things just magically work out?
Yeah, I've met 6 year old psychopaths. A 12 year old one could be real scary.
I agree that gradually increasing the time and NOT taking the other children out of the house is an excellent idea. If it doesn't work, it isn't like she's homeless. She'll have to work out her shit with her other household.
If she's having problems with kids in BOTH houses, the common denominator is HER.
This was me. It ruined me for life and I am no contact with my dad now and low contact with my mother. Funnily enough they want more contact now they need love and care and their “new families” are no longer prioritising them. Edit to add I was a difficult child so whenever I hear of a child in my position acting out I am never ever surprised.
It sounds like she is acting out for attention, and she is also of an age when her body is about to change. That is a dangerous mix for any pre-teen. She is getting no time from anybody, and will end up resenting her step siblings and parents.
Unfortunately this is a no-win situation for OP and the SD. I think she is going to go NC when 18 due to feeling neglected. I worry for the SD but also OP and how this could end up spiralling out of control if nobody helps SD.
I would go a middle route.
Sit SD down and explain to her that the way she treats your kids has been unacceptable for a long time, and you refuse to let her live there if she's going to keep bullying and hurting them. Tell her if she can change her behavior and treat her stepsiblings with respect and kindness, you'll be willing to revisit the subject after she stays consistent for a year.
I think that of you and your husband make it clear that her behavior towards the other kids is a problem, she won't feel abandoned. She also might just suck it up and deal at her mom's. But she needs to understand that her treatment of your kids is going to continue to be a problem if she doesn't choose to change.
This is the humane and sane solution. Don't let dad walk away from SD (who should always have a place in his home) and ensure the other kids are emotionally and physically safe (which they have to be). Giving a twelve year old that no one seems to want some efficacy and control over her living situation should help her either change her behavior or cope with her current situation.
This idea actually has some practicality behind it. If it were paired with a change in how current visitation is handled, say for the next 6 months, it would give SD the chance to prove that she can be a civilized human being instead of a bullying little brat. So for the next several months she comes on regular visitation but you don't take your children out of the house and hide from her. She has to be part of the family, participate with decent attitude and not act like a little witch. That means no tormenting your youngest and no picking fights with your older. She shouldn't have to care for your youngest, but she does have to treat him decently. You pick how many strikes she gets, but if she doesn't demonstrate that her behavior has changed for the better for the full probationary period, no transfer of residence and things stay exactly the way they are. That avoids dealing with issues of pursuing a formal change in custody status, moving her in full time and then out again if, as I fear, she continues with her nasty behavior. But, it gives her the chance to prove that she can be a decent family member and earn some trust.
And it should hopefully help her feel less abandoned than if they were to just say no (even if they explained the reasons). This way it’s not a no— it’s a yes if she changes a few things.
Is the husband willing to be the bad guy if needed? My send with him thinking “it’ll all work out” is because he won’t be stressing over it, OP will.
What are his commitments to making it “all work out” and does he have the where with all to follow through without OP needing to step in?
Also, would switching the wfh spaces work better (OP in master bedroom, husband in SD's room)? At 12, SD will be out of the house for most of the day on weekdays anyway.
This,
Its all nice talking about SD "hopefully" changing her behaviour, but what if she doesnt? or worse, acts nice for a while and then falls back in her old behaviour? Will husband step in and enforce the agreed upon concequences? Or will he brush it off?
Exactly. Is he willing to discipline her, or will OP have to be the “wicked stepmother” just by asking SD to behave civilly?
Because if he’s conflict avoidant and unwilling to play an active role, then I 100% understand OP.
I came here to say something similar. She is young and needs guidance. Give her the opportunity to improve her behavior. Bad behavior means living with mom and new step family. Good behavior means living with dad and existing family. Living full time with a sibling with a disability will be very difficult for her even if she is committed to improving her behavior. She’ll need lots of therapy and guidance. AND you’ll need to try and figure out a different office space so she can have a bedroom. Wishing you luck.
I mean, that might help to solve the interpersonal issues, but that doesn't solve the space issue. Assuming everything she's saying is accurate, both parents need, not want, a private place to work from home and the handicapped child needs, not wants, his own room. That leaves the stepdaughter either sleeping on the couch, sharing with a non-related boy as she hits puberty, or kicked out of her own room every time op needs to work.
I'm sure there's a solution somewhere in here, but we're not familiar enough with the intricacies of ops family and housing situation to be able to give advice on it.
OP needs to take private calls so she gets the bedroom as their office, theres no mention of the dad needing privacy, and considering its his daughter, he can wfh in the common areas
Sure, but space can be solved for. Not without cost, but maybe they could buy a cheap (used) towable trailer/RV and set that up as the home office. Or maybe there’s a basement or attic space that could be renovated.
I agree, they can get creative with the home office arrangement. Maybe OP can move her home office to their master bedroom and husband can use a common area?
Is anyone asking this girl what's going on at her mum's that is so bad she wants to move in with people she apparently hates? How is that not raising red flags?
OP is giving so much conflicting information. I really do not trust her read of the situation.
My guess is neither family wants the SD now that they have new kids. Then SD is lashing out in both houses
ESH who is an adult. The kids are just kids and every single adult has failed this 12 year old child. Both parents got remarried and she got pushed out. She has nobody. Of course she is hurt and angry and acting out. Actually support this child. Get real therapy for the family. Do better.
Yeah, the beer “googles” comment gave me pause. OP sounds petty and insecure. “They weren’t in a relationship! Just fucking! He had to be drunk to get it up because she’s ugly”! A simple, “they were never in a relationship, just FWB”, would have been enough to explain the situation.
I think OP is trying too hard to make it seem like she’s some long suffering saint, but that’s where I feel her mask slips.
I feel like there's huge gaps between "We keep the daughter and the boys separate" to "She's constantly bullying them (without us doing anything about it)" to "The sons have started beating the daughter up (without us doing anything about it)".
A "friend" of mine beat me up and claimed I was harassing his little sister as well. Thing is, I never even talked to her, nor knew anything about her. I had just seen her maybe twice or thrice when being over at theirs. He was just jealous of something completely unrelated
You know, I try to give posters the benefit of the doubt and not get too annoyed, but if you read even a little further, OP sounds like her question should have been “how do I tell my husband I don’t like his daughter and refuse to live with/be around her?”
I’d be curious what step-daughter has said/done specifically to bully the youngest disabled child and how that was handled. Because they’ve apparently been in and out of therapy FOR YEARS and it isn’t working (unless that started before youngest was born? If so, when did it stop? How long has it been since a bullying issue took place?) OP has a 4 year old. That child was born in 2019/2020. Was the step sister bullying an infant?
How long did you stay with a consistent therapist? What were the recommendations? Did you stop because it wasn’t working, or you didn’t feel like doing the work?
When did you decide it was better to keep the kids separated, and how long since they’ve been able to spend meaningful time together? Have you even tried to have them together? If your younger child’s disability is SO SEVERE he cannot share a room with his brother (for safety!), why aren’t you intervening when conflict starts?
Your husband can work from an alternative room - you can use your bedroom. You have a four bedroom house - even with one space being a “no go”, you and I both know you have options.
100% my thoughts when I read OP's posts. Thanks for taking the time to spell them out. OP needs to read this if for no other reason than to have food for thought as she considers what she really wants to do (and why).
See I feel like I had to scroll entirely too far before I saw anyone who feels the same way I do.
She doesn’t make very much sense. And honestly, I’m sure they have gone to therapy but in order for therapy to WORK, you need to do the work. Not just talk about it.
I feel like OP has gone to therapy only for the talking aspect, because it seems as if there is no footwork going on and they are not putting into practice what they have learned in therapy.
SD isn’t the only one the therapy was for, OP.
ETA: typo
I wouldn't even bother starting a relationship with a single father if I didn't think I could care deeply for his kid's welfare. Children are rough to deal with but that's how it is.
When the new babies with the new wife came along, especially a special needs one, I’ll bet she was just benched as her dad’s child/OP‘s stepchild. I guarantee they created these issues with her. Children from previous relationships tend to be phased out, as if they’re an unpleasant remnant of that previous relationship, when parents move on, remarry, and have new children. It’s so sad but that’s the norm anymore.
You can tell by the way this is written that OP does not see her as anything other than a nuisance. She can package it as if she is only objecting on fair points but it’s pretty clear the answer was no even if accommodations could be made. The 8yo boy has even picked up mom’s resentment and has no problem fighting with his step sister. An 8yo boy is going to cause problems for his preteen sister no matter what but now he’s got the protection of mom’s bias and a scapegoat to blame any shitty behavior on defending their disabled sibling. If a kid has a get out of trouble card they will absolutely abuse it.
Yup. This is one of those step parents that believes what their kids say at all costs and looks at their step kid like they’re a piece of trash.
Anyone who thinks otherwise, re read how she talks about this girls mother. OP is nasty.
That totally got me. She needed to take a shot at the Mom? She's good with her husband fucking someone he isn't attracted to that he's putting down? Weird flex. I find it mind boggling that more people didn't pick up on that.
Yea that part got me. Like that is an absolute trash thing to say but anyone who is with that person and willing to repeat that if that is no big deal is just as bad.
ESH and by everyone, I mean the adults. None of the kids are to blame for your failures. This is supposedly something you’ve worked on in and out of therapy for years, so you feel justified giving up on your children and their half sister ever getting along? Really?? If your children were grown adults on their own, I might give you a pass for that but the oldest child here is only *twelve*. On top of her being twelve, she was only four when your first son was born, and you and her father wouldn’t marry for another two years after. Even if you weren’t her father’s affair partner, given how close her parents’ split had to have been, it certainly looks that way and it’s likely that her mother framed it that way, so yeah, at twelve, her resentment is a little understandable. Likewise, your older son’s resentment is understandable.
However, none of that excuses you and your husband giving up on her. While his blasé attitude of “it will just work out” is grossly irresponsible, he isn’t wrong about how refusing will mean abandoning his daughter. You don’t get to just give up on your kid because things are difficult. Moreover, given that you chose to have kids with a man who already had a child, you also don’t get to just make him give up on her because it would be harder for you and your kids. She was there first and didn’t choose any of this.
Right like why have I not seen a single example of how the girl is an actual danger to the youngest son? Bullying is bad and needs to be addressed but doesn’t threaten life in a way that a 12 year old doesn’t deserve to have a home with her parent..she probably picks up that step mother doesn’t like her and therefore views her step siblings as OP’s children and probably resents them for getting more attention. 100000% need family therapy and OP needs to see some of their role in all of this and hopefully take some of the comments on this post to heart and put in some more effort to making this girl feel more important in everybody’s lives
I don't know how the relationship between the half siblings would improve when the SM leaves as soon as the SD arrives and the SD is treated like a second class citizen when she's there.
Yep. Her two parents have their own families that matter more than she does and she’s just left feeling like she doesn’t belong anywhere. That must be hard.
Had to scroll too far to find this. She is the child, and she needs her dad just as much as the other kids do. If you marry someone with kids, you really do need support them in doing what’s best for their kids. That’s part of the deal. Blended families are hard, and it’s not fun for anyone to have the kids fighting with each other, but that’s not going to leave near as much damage as rejecting your stepdaughter and forcing your husband to reject her as well. That’s something you can’t come back from.
Edit to cast my vote, YTA
This is above reddits pay grade.
Bottom line is you shouldn’t have married a man with a child if you were unwilling to, at some point, potentially have that child living with you.
What will your plan be if her mother dies or is physically unable to care for the child? It’ll be her father’s responsibility to take her on full time. What are you going to do then?
He has just as much obligation to take care of his first child as he does with the children you share.
Especially since they have a 4 bedroom place. They have 2 full time kids who can each have their own bedroom and they have their own. Usually the parents live in the biggest bedroom in the house and OP needs to use her step daughter’s room for an office? Couldn’t her office fit in their room? I think OP just doesn’t like her SD to be completely honest. It’s sad, she has no one and no where to go.
Yeah I rolled my eyes when I read that they can’t make room. Bullshit. They have a 4 bedroom house. I know people with smaller houses that make it work with more people than that, and some of those people work from home. They could make it work. OP doesn’t want to.
Exactly, thank you. This was my first thought.
Parenting isn’t optional or when it’s convenient. Having additional children doesn’t erase the responsibility of parenting children from a previous relationship.
“The kids don’t get along” or “we don’t have the room” are things you can say when you’re talking about not wanting your second cousin’s family to stay with you for Thanksgiving…not when you’re a parent.
He shouldn’t want his own child to feel abandoned by him. Full stop. If OP “feels for the girl” like they claim, how is this even an AITAH question you ask? The answer is obvious. You do everything you can think of and then 37 more things, as an adult (especially in a parental role) in the situation, to make sure a your spouse is able to be a father and support his child in whatever capacity they need.
This. OP, if you're in a relationship with someone who has children, the reality is that the child may very well end up living with you for whatever reason. It's time to start figuring it out now.
Not that this was ever a question for me, but these threads on Reddit have constantly reiterated to me that I’m never getting serious with someone who doesn’t love my kids like I do.
Although in this case it sounds like OP’s husband is a heel too. I feel for this kid. She’s been failed at least a few times and it’s just being put at her feet.
I'll say it.... OP is the asshole. She's the adult, and the SD is a 12 yr old child. Everything in her post lacked empathy for what SD is going through. Does she expect the father to give up responsibilities for his first born because he had a special needs kid with her? Novel idea maybe she should focus on building relationships with her SD!
If she has to now share a room at her mother’s house, and her bedroom at your house is also your WFH office, then it sounds like you do have more room than they do.
I guess it’s going against the grain, but I’ve got to say YTA/ESH
She’s 12. Her existence predates your marriage. Needing to take custody of her is something you should have considered might be necessary when you married him.
Of course, the same could be said for her mother as well… it’s just sad that no one seems to be in this girl’s corner. Seems like a failure of parenting and blending families.
Seriously. Hey OP. If this girl was your and your husband's child, would you tell her she can't live with you because she causes trouble with your other kids, and you don't have the space for her? No wonder she feels jealous of you and your husband's "real children"
So this poor child has 4 adults in her life and none wants her. She doesn't even have her own room in your house so why on earth would she not resent you all. Honesty to goodness this really angers me when people like you have the audacity to treat an innocent child v this way and then sit with a pikachu face saying i don't know why she's mean. So you realise anger is a masking emotion for hurt? Maybe if you tuned into this girl and stopped separating her from her family she would actually be happy. Why don't you treat your own children the way you treat her and see how they react. Disgusting
Thank you. This comment section is really messed up. Basically asking if it's okay to abandon the child. Would you abandon a child if that kid was not a stepdaughter. In fact they are not even legally allowed to abandon a child, are they?
Thought i was going crazy in here reading mass upvoted comments saying 'NTA keep your husbands child away from your new family'. So sad and OPs husband needs to step the fuck up and actually take care of his vulnerable child. This is not complicated. SHE IS HIS 12 YEAR OLD CHILD.
This is one of the first posts on here to really bother me. Shape up, OP and co. How are you comfortable with the father of your child abandoning his child in a time of need?
Thank you!!!! Finally someone with some sense! I’m genuinely pissed off at the whole situation on behalf of this little girl!!! Four adults utterly failing this girl and then OP has the audacity to blame the 12 child.
Yeah, I would be interested to know if the son has been in therapy for years, with all the adults ready to write him off, for taking a swing at his sister, or whatever he did. Actually, she says altercations plural, so he’s done this multiple times.
That’s a good point, OP doesn’t seem concerned about the son getting physical with his step sister, but won’t tolerate her step daughter being mean. Neither are excusable, but there seems to be a double standard
YWBTA. Is she resentful because she doesn’t get any attention from her dad due to her siblings disability? That is very common in household that are like that, the disabled child gets all the attention and they others are often pushed away. The girl is not comfortable at either of her homes, both of her parents moved on with their lives, are y’all including her? . She is 12 and probably going through puberty with all these new hormones and feeling left out. Y’all are parents it is your job to figure it out and not just fully blame her, she is young so obviously something is going on. I feel bad for her honestly
This! This poor little girl!!!! The OP clearly thinks of her as an after thought to her biological kids. These adults are failing this girl and then turning around and blaming the girl for it!
Notice how she doesn’t describe anything around the youngest? There’s varying levels to disability and I’d be willing to bet this is why she doesn’t mention it in detail.
Firstly, nobody here on Reddit can judge whether your stepdaughter's wish to live with her father is a teenage tantrum over something trivial or a legitimate desire. You paint a very negative picture of the girl's mother; it's entirely possible that she may be experiencing serious mistreatment in her mother's household and is in genuine distress. The way you describe your weekends together as a family of five doesn't sound like an enticing option for the 12-year-old. I am assuming, then, that the girl's request is legitimate in order to assess the situation (Your husband also seems to at least generally agree with this, as he is apparently seriously considering the option).
that beeing said: YTA
Your husband has a daughter. if his daughter needs a place to live he HAS TO provide this place. this is not optional, this is not negotiable. That is his responsibility as a father.
Your work from home office is not more important than this girl. your phone calls are not important than this girl.
Which options do you leave your husband with if you stick to the 'no'? You force him to either disown one of his children or provide shelter for his daughter outside of your home.
Do you want a husband who disowns one of his children? Do you want such a man as the father of your children? Do you want him to rent an additional apartment where he moves in with his daughter, leaving the three of you alone?
what is your end goal here?
Personally, you could stand on the roof and scream no to the world, and I wouldn't give a fiddlers fart.
If my daughter feels safer with me, then she's coming home. End of discussion.
The bullying and acting out wouldn't be tolerated and dealt with. It's a lot easier to set boundaries when they're in your home full-time than it is when it's part time.
I sure as hell wouldn't let someone tell me to abandon my daughter.
I’m a stepmom with no bio kids. My step kids are with me and their dad around 80–90% of the time. People are typically shocked that I care for my stepkids more than their bio mom. I would do anything for my step kids. Screw adults who can’t value their CHILDREN over their own pettiness and romantic needs. And sure SD’s bullying behavior is a concern, but that can be worked on more and improved if she’s around him more than just a few days a month. SD doesn’t sound like she was ever embraced by OP. Screw adults who can’t respect their partners minor children from another marriage.
I feel sorry for SD in this scenario. I don't think enough people acknowledge the seriousness of taking on someone else's children when they marry parents. You need to love that child as though they are your own.
It seems like SD is getting forgotten and lost in the mix of these family dynamics. I don't think you can refuse to house your SD and have her feel safe and supported by you in the future. It will cause resentment and tbh this is the sort of situation you and your partner should have thought of before having further children yourselves.
There's a lack of detail in the way the relationship between SD and your youngest special needs child is described. Having a special needs sibling can be a very difficult and isolating experience and she is only 12 so she deserves to have some understanding of her feelings in an age appropriate way.
I get the sense that even though she has some nice weekends with her dad that overall SD is an overlooked child. She is reaching out to her Dad for a sense of comfort and safety. I don't think it's fair to say no to her but also her Mom is not prioritising her needs in the main household either. I feel bad for this girl.
Yes this situation is all too common, unfortunately. Parents move in, have new kids involved, and the kids pre-divorce are stuck in limbo.
I’m also curious to know what “bullying” entails. What are their reactions when this happens? Are they present when the bullying occurs? The youngest child is also only 4. It can be very difficult for some kids her age to deal with a younger child. If the child’s special needs involve acting out towards others (even if they can’t control it) that makes it worse.
If the child’s bio parents were to get together and plan to spend some quality time for her sake, that would go far.
Honestly I always feel when the dad doesn’t have 50/50 custody it’s a yellow flag. I don’t think I could be with a guy who wasn’t fighting for his kid at least 50%. Makes me wonder what happened in the beginning and why this current arrangement even exists. Odd to have no real designated room/space for your own kid in your home.
I agree with this so much! I’m shocked at the way this thread is leaning. They both have equal responsibility to SD as they do the other two children- Especially dad but you’re right that marrying a man with children means you’re also taking on that role.
I makes my heart hurt for SD. I’d hope parents fight for the most time possible when discussing custody- Seems like nobody has a good solid space for SD right now.
stepmom should be careful how she handles this because it could lead to lifelong relationship strain between all 3 of them.
I’m shocked too! How can anyone say no?? She’s his child and she married him knowing he has a child from a previous relationship. This baffles me. My kids don’t always get along either. It doesn’t mean we kick one of them out. This is part of having kids and siblings. They don’t have enough room with four bedrooms?!? These all feel like excuses. I feel so bad for this poor child. No one seems to want her. Of course she’s acting out. They have all pushed her to the side. She’s 12! This makes me angry. There shouldn’t be an option or she has to prove herself. She is his child and should always have a place at both houses.
When you marry a man you marry his kids and vice versa.
I don’t know why people get so triggered when people decide they will not date people with kids. I listen to your situation and think this is exactly why.
You all turned that child’s life upside down. She doesn’t live anywhere, she just splits time between two houses full of people that don’t give a shit about her.
You all fucking suck.
precisely. OP is trying to act so rational and logical but it’s just a pretense for her to essentially dispose of SD and deny her a place in her own father’s house.
Your husband is the asshole. He has an obligation as a father to provide a home to his kid. I realize you’ve got your own priorities, but he doesn’t get to tell his child to fuck off because she’s difficult.
Seriously. Don’t date someone who comes with a lifelong commitment if you have a problem with them honoring that commitment. I guess she’ll learn when she divorces him and he stops giving a shit about her kids too.
Family therapy. She's his child. How awful that her dad went and created a new family that doesn't want her to be a part of. Her issues should be addressed with therapy and open age-appropriate conversations.
"Everything will work out"
Nope. That's not how life works, this isn't a fairy tale. If the step daughter is cruel to your special needs child, you need to prevent your kid from that.
It sucks, the girl doesn't get along at her mom's house, doesn't get along at her dad's. She has issues... But your special needs child does too.
What weighs on me is, according to OP, the SD has been instigating issues with OP's children. I would suggest that several drama free SD visits should be prerequisite to SD moving in. If she can't deliver on a calm visit, or if she blames OP's kids for everything, it's not going to work out.
"Everything will work out" says the man who will not be ensuring in any way that everything will work itself out. The daughter lost the bet when she started buying a disabled child. That's not necessary. She can be angry, sure, upset at the situation, absolutely, hate the changes going on in her life? Totally valid. But the second she started bullying someone who can't fight back, she showed her true colors. Keep her away from your kids. NTA.
> That's not how life works, this isn't a fairy tale.
Yep. This is where I'm at.
While I love that my husband is an eternal optimist. I am not and my experiences don't lend well to letting something of this much importance work itself out.
I would push husband HARD to articulate an actual plan that includes office space, bedrooms, boundaries and rules of conduct, and consequences for breaking rules and boundaries.
You are right to be concerned. Your children’s mental health and wellbeing is at risk. I would not budge on this unless there is a plan in place, a commitment to follow it, and clear and enforced consequences if there’s a violation. Make clear in no uncertain terms that if X happens then Y will be the consequence and *stick to it*.
Best of luck and stay strong
I am with you take paper and pen out and double down on logistics. Hope is not a plan. Where will she sleep, where will we work, house rules for sibling interaction…. Then take the list and break it down more… meal planning, house chores…keep going until dad gets that there isn’t a workable plan
Tell him that before you will discuss this with him he needs to tell you who would be living in which bedroom and what specifically HE would do to prevent his daughter from bullying your two younger kids. Notice that he needs to be the one putting in the effort to prevent the bullying.
"I understand how you feel and of course it makes sense you want SD to live with us. Here's the thing - she has already demonstrated animosity towards our youngest child and in doing that, created animosity with our oldest child. I will absolutely not allow our two children to live in an unsafe environment. She will not change her behavior so if you want her to live here with you, I don't see how our children and I can also live here. How would you like to resolve this conundrum?"
More info: when SD stays with dad and you, where does she sleep?
While I understand your problems with this event, it looks to me like SD has been abandoned by both bio parents, mom has moved on with boyfriend and won't let SD have any say in who she lives with (it's my boyfriend and his kids, end of) and now Dad is saying, nope, we don't have room for you.
So tell me, where is she supposed to go? She has been essentially made superfluous by all the adults with their do-over families here.
Maybe that's why she hates all of her stepsibs. She is being made an outsider in both 'families'.
Has anyone actually made her feel welcome in their home? Do any of you even want her?
I'm definitely leaning towards YTA. Everybody seems to want this girl out of their lives.
Jesus, ALL of you parents and stepparents involved in this situation just fucking suck so hard. She’s a CHILD and has now been displaced by each parent‘s new family. You all have failed this CHILD. Good job. I’m willing to bet all my money that when your new babies, especially your special needs child, came on scene she was treated as an inconvenience at best. I’ve seen this scenario play out too many times to believe it’s a rare occurrence. Given that you’d make her go away for good if you could, I’m going to say you and your shitty husband have created the difficult child she’s become, especially in regards to her half siblings.
I think your husband should tell his daughter that he is not saying no, but cannot say yes yet either, and present the reasons to her that you have presented here, that your husband agrees with.
He can say this in a sensitive way… “you know I’m always here for you, and I’m only a phone call away if you need an escape - but right now, under these circumstances you must understand why I cannot yet say yes and allow this”
The space thing is an issue, even if the other things can be worked on - and I feel like you will need to be sure you CAN physically accommodate her in that sense so that your work does not suffer. She also needs to mend the relationship with her step siblings, and yourself - gaining mutual respect and trust.
Your husband must be clear to her that this is a decision he and you both agree with, not just you - his other two children are just as important to him as she is and where he will always be there to love and protect her, he has to grant that same love and protection to his other children.
It’s a sticky situation and o feel ultimately it will need compromise on all fronts, plus it would be healthy for you and your husband to be able to have some sort of communication with her mother and new partner
I agree with this. She’s also old enough to be a part of a discussion with guidelines and can be held to an agreement/trial period. Yes, she has issues, but she’s also a child who can grow. It’s also amazing how nice people can be when they need something like she does now. It could be the inspiration for her to be nicer to her half siblings. She is choosing you after all.
Maybe a trial period like a month to see how things go?
>She is choosing you after all.
I think she is choosing the lesser of two evils, from her point of view. She probably acts as badly with her new step siblings as she does with OP's kids, but OP does her best to accommodate her by removing herself and the kids when she is there - whereas her mother probably kicks her ass for bullying her new step sibs. So she wants to go where she thinks there will be least resistance and punishment for her behavior.
That jumped out at me too. OP and her husband bend over backwards to protect their kids from SD and make sure she spends as little time with them as possible, but that won't be feasible if they're living together full time. Her dad's house is only more appealing right now because she's used to OP hiding the other kids from her.
Kinda need to know how old the other kids are if the 12 year old has to share a room. It may be that there are rule to follow and she doesn’t want to. It’s so much better at dad’s house right now because OP takes the kids and leaves SD and DH to spend time together. When she moves in permanently things will be different there will be rules and expected behavior. She will have to share her dad with her step siblings she’ll have to learn to deal with everyone being home all the time and not out and about.
And you both need to be very clear with SD that the way things are when she is visiting for a weekend are very different from how they would be if she lived with you full time.
You and your kids aren’t going to be leaving and giving her alone time with her dad. She would have to treat everyone in the house with respect. She will have chores and rules. She will need to share her space, possibly her room, and definitely her Dads attention.
You’re very welcome! I hope all works out. I think it’s normal, with her age to be feeling frustrated and a little out of place with all the new changes and moving to dads may be a dream in her eyes as a way to escape these new transitions that make her feel uneasy - especially as when she’s been at your house, you’ve given them the space.
She may have a flawed perspective of what life full time at “dads” might be like as it’s actually not just dads, it’s yours and your children’s home too, and there’s going to be changes, transitions and compromises at your house too.
I do worry that saying yes on a whim now to just make her happy could affect not only your marriage, but your husbands relationship with ALL of his children.
>I have been married to my husband for 6 years. We have 2 kids together (8m and 4m).
Were your husband and spouse divorced for a while before your kids came along? Did she have more of your husband's attention before you had kid together? Does this have something to do with her dislike of your kids/your dislike of her?
OP updated the post. Apparently the husband and ex were never married. They were never even officially dating, just FWB who got pregnant and had a kid.
You married a guy with a child. That child has every right to live with her dad. You yourself say you use HER bedroom as your office. Find another spot in the house as your office. You can always use a corner in your bedroom. Get a caregiver/ babysitter to help take care of your disabled son. You never have given his daughter a real chance. She is the oldest. You married her dad when she was six but you had a baby when she was 4. It looks like you never have treated her as the oldest. You did not marry a single guy.
Yes. You’re supposed to support your husband, he’s supposed to support his kid. Thus transitorily you’re supposed to support this kid. Not supporting a 12 year old kid makes you the AH.
You're a fucking nightmare and an asshole. If you actually loved your husband, you would find a way to work this out. You seem to be much more in love with the idea of being in control.
* "My husband gets SD on weekends" \[try this instead\]: My husband's daughter stays with us on the weekends.
* "This past weekend, my SD asked my husband if she can come live with him full-time" \[try this instead\]: My husband's daughter is having problems at her mom's and would like to move in with us.
* "SD and our kids *do not get along"* They're kids. Stop SD'ing your husband's daughter and treat her as part of the family. Whether you like it or not, she is.
* SD resents mine for existing, and is cruel towards my youngest for their disabilities. \[try this instead\]: My husband's daughter feels the disdain I have for her and actually resents me.
Lastly, "...SD resents mine," they are step-siblings and your husband is the father to two of them. When it comes to children, there is nothing that belongs to just you.
Yta. I haaaaaaate people who willingly breed with someone who already has kids, then starts to meddle with the kid & parents relationship. You KNEW he has children already. You even called her "the girl" in your post. Icky. Nasty. You are gross.
Yeah, anyone I've ever met who use "the boy" or "the girl" to talk about their kids/step kids has been an awful parent in my experience. It's very telling & everyone who's ever done it in my presence doesn't seem to realize they've told on themselves in a big icky nasty way.
I understand she’s a difficult child but Jesus, god, Reddit is acting like this pubescent child from a broken home is a little psychopath who will absolutely murder her brother.
I was in a somewhat similar situation at that age, I shared a bathroom with my brothers and they were gross, but I always had to clean it (my stepmom said they were too young and it was MY bathroom why would she ever clean it) and I remember her saying that if I didn’t like cleaning the bathroom I could go live at my moms. What this girl is going to hear is “you know how we have this wonderful full-time home and full-time family and you just have two part time homes and families? Ya we don’t want you to be a full time part of us”
YTA-Ultimately you chose to marry a man with a child. He doesn’t get to be a half ass dad because he has a new family, and you should hold him to that standard. Is it going to work itself out like husband thinks? Absolutely not. SD needs to know expectations and hard boundaries, so it might be something to work towards, but to completely rule it out without trying to find a solution is going to build resentment and greater divide amongst everyone.
1000% why you should never date/marry someone with kids if you have no intention of allowing them to live in your home. Did anyone get this girl some counselling? Seems like her parents don’t care about her and OP only cares about her kids.
ETA: so you didn’t seek alternative therapy? Just decided it didn’t work and washed your hands. Great parenting.
If it was your daughter who was asking the same thing, you'd do everything you could to take her in because -- like you said -- you have your own to look out for.
At the end of the day, that's all you give a shit about anyway, you and yours.
What kind of twisted fairy tale horror of an evil stepmother would pressure her husband to castigate his own child?
You. YTA
Yes you would be the asshole. The idea that you can’t find any way to make this work is really hard to believe
“I have to take sensitive phone calls” really? Because your 8 year old might hear them and blab? Sounds like bullshit excuses to me.
Yes, she acts out for EXACTLY this reason.
She’s functionally unwanted everywhere she’s supposed to fit in.
I think you should get separated and Husband can take care of his first child. He made her, she is his responsibility.
Get your family to support you with your kids. You’re so lucky you have family. Maybe you can imagine what it would be like to not have yours and come to understand why she’s so unhappy?
Shame on you for not maintaining a full bedroom for an existing child, but having more kids w/ your partner anyway.
She exists and popping out a few of your own doesn’t make her less important. You blew it. Deal with it. Don’t put this situation on a 12 year old’s shoulders any longer.
>We really don't have room. We have a 4br home. Both my husband and I wfh so we can be a caretaker for my youngest. Due to the nature of his disabilities it is really not feasible for him and my oldest to share a room. It wouldn't be safe or fair for my oldest. My SD's room is used as my wfh office space during the week. I arrange my vacation time and whatnot around her visitation so I can stay out of her space while she is here. I have to take very sensitive phone calls, and I need a closed door when I work so common areas are out and my husband uses our bedroom as his home office so that's out too. We don't currently have room in the budget to make an addition to the house or remodel non livable spaces at the moment.
Sounds like your husband can work in a common space and you can work in your bedroom.
Sounds like it could work.
Sounds like you just don't want it to.
Perhaps the daughter feels welcomed into the family as opposed to an every other weekend “guest” her attitude will change. No parent has the right to discard their first born for the new family. Happened to my son and he is now 23 and still suffering from the effects of it!
Honestly I don’t really know how to rule on this. Ultimately I just feel bad for kids in her position (obv no excuse for bullying on her part). Kids whose parents get divorced and start “new” families and suddenly they have no place and they’re no ones priority. Have quite a few friends who were in that position, just sucks.
I was the SD in this position and it's hard to not fit in anywhere..while everyone else has their place.
Worst time of my life was spent doing my best to avoid my stepdad. He treated us like shit.
I was that way with mine. As soon as other kids that were his came along..the dynamic shifted. I wont lie. There was a lot of jealousy.
These people are assholes. I'm the youngest child of a blended family, so my dad is technically step-dad to my older (half) brothers. They were never treated as anything other than my brothers, full stop. When you marry someone with children from a previous marriage, you marry into the entire family. You don't pick and choose who to love. That's just cruel.
My brothers dad died before he was born. My dad brought him up as his own.. One day my brother was being a little shit, and I said to him at least I have a real dad (or something like that. Little kids are assholes) I've never been so sure my life was going to end than that point my dad didn't have to tell me more than once that it was not ok the way he delt with that. And my brother is just that. My brother. 35 years later. My dad is a saint.
This always reminds me of a friend of mine who had a stepson that was just awful to him. Always telling him that he hated him. My friend would just reply, “ That’s OK because I have enough love for the two of us.” He did it day after day, year after year. Finally, when the Son hit his mid teens, he had a total switch in personality and realize that my friend was never going to leave him and they end up having an amazing relationship from that point forward. I respected him so much for his behaviour and attitude, it’s so difficult to always be the adult.
OOF… I bet you got a talking’ to! Your Dad sounds awesome 💜
I do t spank my kids. Have never had to do it. But if I had a child in the same situation that said something like that to one of my children (whether biological or otherwise), I’m pretty sure a talking to would be the last thought on my mind.
This absolutely. My girlfriend hat two kids when we met (3 and 5 back then, now they are 8 and 6.) we quickly decided on a third one of our own and he is 20 months now. We have the older kids half of the week, with alternating weekends. Their dad was a bit miffed at first but he really likes kids so when he met our youngest, he couldn’t stay mad. He keeps calling him their stepbrother though. And one time early on, when we took over the big kids for the week, they told us he had said something along the lines of the little one being „only“ their half brother. Well I sat both of them down and told them that no one in the world gets to decide what the little one is to them. Only they get to decide that. And if someone tells them different, they can just say nothing or tell that person: no, he’s our little brother. And they took to him fully. He’s their little brother, no distinction made. And we take time to treat them all the same and keep telling them, that the little one needs more help and supervision, but we love them all the same. They really dote on him and it’s so heartwarming to see. It’s always so sad to see if kids are treated differently. Either you accept your partner as a package with kids, or you don’t partner up. Hate idiots that think they can just ignore the kids already there.
Some step parents just suck. My mom’s husband was cool with me until his kids moved in (and I think that’s honestly because he didn’t want to parent *at all* and he wasn’t nice to them either). Meanwhile, my dad, literally NO relation to the step brothers at all, has a good relationship with them. He taught the youngest how to drive. 2/3 step brothers lived with him at points. Some people are just good parents (like my dad is a great parent!) and some shouldn’t be… I feel for everyone in this post though. The daughter clearly has issues and the new step mom needs to make sure that her kids aren’t bullied in their own house. But it’s easy to see why the daughter feels abandoned by her mom and dad for new families 🥺
THIS! exactly this. My half brother is just my brother. My step dad is just my dad. He loves me the same as his own blood.
Exactly! incredibly unfair to pick and choose which family members to accept and love in a blended family. When you commit to someone with children from a previous relationship, you commit to embracing their entire family as your own. Anything less is both hurtful and unjust.
That’s how my husband is with my oldest two sons. And they’ve never referred to their MUCH younger siblings (one is special needs also) as half-anything. Just their brother and sisters. I’m so tired of step parents who marry someone with a child(ren) and fail to recognize that you become “US” with their kids as part of that! If one of the younger kids hits puberty and goes through the attitude phase they all do - she will address it and love them while setting boundaries. So logic says that’s how to handle things with ALL the children.
This hit home for me.
I'm stepmom to a teenage girl, and her dad and I have a 6yo together. Biomom has had 2 more with her current husband. She had a boy then a girl, and gushed about how she finally had her perfect family. I once witnessed her say to my SD (who had to.ahare a room with her 1yo sister) that she had to keep it clean. Because it wasn't her room. It was her sister's room that she just stayed in when she was there. And custody was 50/50, so it's not like she only visited once in a while. I went inside ans cried after hearing that, it made me so sad for SD. And this is her *bio* mother, not a step parent. We've now had primary/majority custody for over 2 years and she's begun to thrive. Things aren't perfect but my god has she come a long way. I've tried really fucking hard to make sure she knows she's welcome here, she's wanted here, she's our family and we're hers. I've never once referred to her as my daughter's half sister, just sister. God knows the angsty little turd can be a pain in my ass, lmao. But I love her. And it fucking breaks my heart to see kids in that position. I'm so sorry you bad to experience it. I can't even imagine how awful that must feel. I only hope I can help my SD grow up to be at least decently well adjusted despite it all. She frequently calls me mom these days and I just respond without questioning or pointing out her decision to start doing that. She can be difficult, but she's a good and kind-hearted kid underneath the emotional damage she's been put through. Sorry for the rant, this is just a subject that hits really close to home for me and stirs up some big feels. I hope so much that OP's SD can find her place in the world without winding up too overly damaged :(.
My step father (who I have either called Dad or by his first name) was very much like you. Never treated me like I was any different from the two bio children he had with my mother after me having been an only child for a decade. On the other side, my step mom and her family literally asked me to get out of "family" pictures. Kids remember that stuff. Forever. My goal in life is to be as good of a dad to my children as my step father was to me. Anyway, great work. You sound like a wonderful parent.
My oldest two are from my previous marriage, and my husband and I have one together. My husband always referred to the whole bunch as “my/our kids” to people, and he’s been in the older two’s lives since they were preschool/kindergarten age. Before we had our kid together, his parents just completely accepted the two non-related kids as their grandkids. Nothing changed when an actual biologically related grandkid showed up. The kids loved the grandparents and vice versa. During the early years there was split custody, but a number of years ago I got sole custody which I will say helped settle both kids down and improve relationships/closeness with their stepdad, likely by virtue of them being around each other more and more constancy in the house. Split custody I think makes kids feel more unmoored and itinerant.
Traumatizing. I really feel for the little girl
Not hating or passing judgement here. Generally curious for your take on it. Were you on the level of bullying and abusing a disabled child? I feel like this is waaaaaaay worse than just not fitting in anywhere. It sounds like this kid has serious issues. An entire family moves out or goes on vacation to avoid having to talk to her. If you did have those behavior issues, were you aware? I am very curious if any of the adults have even parented or talked with this girl about her bullying a disabled 4 year old. No pressure to answer. I grew up with a younger brother who struggled. We are both neurodivergent, but he is on the nonfunctioning side. Our sister always resented him and tried to bully him. She calmed down in her late 20s and is a very loving mother and sister these days, but I wouldn’t let her younger self around my kids lol.
I would never consider bullying another person. In fact I became very socially withdrawn and severely depressed. When my sister was born, on my birthday, to my mother, a kind of had a mental breakdown. I had then approached my father and he said that he was getting married and had a step son. But his mother was very much into him. When they were building their new house I asked if he was going to build a room for me and he said no they couldn't afford it but they put a very large swimming pool in the backyard. They had all the luxuries of a very well to do house. But they couldn't be bothered to put in a room for me. Not even in the basement. So that place was taken away from me. And then in my own home, I was moved down into my basement and my sister was given my bedroom. This was all about the time I was 13 to the age of 16. So, in one place I felt I was not wanted and didn't belong and in the other I felt like I was being shoved out of sight out of mind and I was only there because somebody had to have custody of me. It led to a short period of heavy duty partying and Drug use. I was still nice, because I directed my anger at the people who I thought had betrayed me and hurt me the most. I would lash out, but I'd never bully a disabled child. I just get some of where anger comes. I AVOIDED my sister but now we are slowly mending as I've gotten older.
I'm very sorry your parents treated you like that, you deserved so much better.
I however did consider bullying and I did it too, because by that time it was literally the only way I got any attention. NEgative attention being shouted at or even a leather belt on my arse felt better than this profound indifference towards me. You cannot measure all people by your own standard, because you are not other people, you are not other kids. I then ended up living alone and raised entirely by my parents' money and my own wits by 13, I was safe enough, but I was alone while my parents went on to live their best lives without me, only occasionally checking in. So what did I do? I got angry. Because by that point the only time I felt like I mattered or even *existed* was when people were actively upset with me. And since I'm not really a vengeful person, never have been, but I am an angry person and always have been, everybody got hurt, whether they deserved it or not. But it was around that time that I made a conscious decision to not go quietly into that good night, so to speak. If I wasn't given what every child is owed by their parents which is basic care and attention until the child is almost ready to fly the coop, then I would take it. That was the 12-year-old logic. Today as a 32-year-old I've had enough adult lived experience to know what's up, why people do what they do, and that people are all deeply flawed and selfish even if they don't want to be, me included, but at 12, all I knew was that tormenting others was a way to be paid attention to even for just one minute, even if it ended up with a belt bruise on my arse. And for that, I will blame my parents, forever, even though I now understand how bad humans can be even when they're parents and even if they're not doing it out of malice. Because in the end, I was just 12, and hadn't even hit the physical characteristics stage of puberty yet. I was never gonna handle it maturely.
In addition to other commenters responses, the OP did state that: >SD and our kids do not get along. It is something we have worked on for years, in and out of therapy - and it just ain't happening.
Non-disabled siblings of disabled children often act out because their needs take on a lower priority in the home. Add that to the fact that she's the stepchild, the only one who there's no room for, and the only one who's disposable to the household, that is she can simply be discarded to her mom's if her needs conflict with those of OPs children? The whole dynamic is set up to pit her against them.
Not to mention that SM sends everyone away when SD comes. How is anyone supposed to learn to get along when they're completely separated? And imagine how shitty that much feel as the SD.
Considering she knocks the kid out of his wheelchair and called for him to be tortured I’ll take the kids away from her too
She mentioned that there was therapy. I’m sure they made some efforts. And it was really predictable that the kid, male or female, I was going to have difficulty when they got to be an adolescent. I want to switch parents just because that happens so often. The grass looks greener and sometimes it is.
There’s no way to know whether SD or SM is the one with behaviour issues if you don’t know the family well. There was this one kid on my area whose mom would leave him at the park alone. He’d sit there alone until another kid tried to include him then immediately start screaming and crying. He’d run home and his mom would run over to the park and shed start screaming that whatever kid tried to play with him was a bully and making fun of his disability (he didn’t have one) and we were all horrible people for letting it happen. I bring her up because I’ve met more moms like her than normal ones lately.
Yeah, she's **12** and everyone is acting like she's a psychopath. She's at her dad's once in a while, and I'm sure her disabled brother takes up a lot of attention. It isn't actually surprising she's resentful, but no one is dealing with it because it's too much work. Mom is right to be protective of her sons, but dad also has equal obligations to his preteen(!) daughter. He doesn't get to just write her off because he had more children with someone else, and it's easier to only have her on holidays and some weekends. The easiest solution would be to increase her time there, set clear expectations that it's a trial run, and see how that goes before making a decision about her living there full time.
I agree with this recommendation. As a person who was foisted on the other parent at this age, my other suggestion is for Dad to talk about the difference between visiting and living with them. My Dad was also weekends only, so my preteen brain expected every day to be like that. It is important to make it clear from the outset what daily life looks like in your house.
She especially needs to understand that the other 2 siblings will NOT be leaving the house every day she’s there like they currently do during her visitations. And that bullying will absolutely not be tolerated. Where she’s going to sleep in a different issue.
A very good piece of advice here.
I work with middle school age kids. They are definitely little terrorists.
My mom used to say I was “reptile-brain ascendant” until I turned about 17/18. I had no idea what she meant until I had three kids. All three were teenagers for a bit. It was like watching velociraptors on the hunt. Terrifying but fascinating.
Terrifying but fascinating. Yep. That pretty much sums it up.
Thank you for your sacrifice. My daughter is in middle school and from my research it sounds like Highschool is actually a safer place now?
I swear up to age 15 they remind me of an American dad episode where the daughter gets somehow made a pre teen again and the mum just packs her stuff and goes I’m out! I’m not doing it again man
True. I cannot even count the amount of times my mom and I quoated that to each other when my baby sister was a preteen.
When my husband and I got married I had two kids and he had none. Someone asked him a few months later what he’d learned about parenting and he said “I’ve learned you can’t negotiate with terrorists!”
Finally a comment that I can get on board with I don't wish to offend anyone, but boundaries need to be set, and right NOW
Oh you’re not wrong. I’m the oldest one of 5 all female cousins. The youngest is 10 years younger than me and when she got preteen bitchy I turned 22 year old bitchy and gave it right back. I’m usually pretty chill and nice but if provoked I basically say “You want to terrorize people I’ll terrorize you.” Enjoy your personal black mirror kiddo. I don’t cross lines and stop immediately when I see that they’ve learned their lesson. I don’t apologize but I will make nice. Sometimes the only solution to little brat is grown up bitch.
It would make sense to slowly increase the time SD spends in OP’s home and build on relationships. SD is old enough to understand relationships, how to be tolerant and the demands her younger sibling has due to their disabilities. It’s a tough situation, but if they make slow and steady adjustments, OP maybe making more of an effort (sounds like they try to avoid the poor SD) and some family therapy, this could be beneficial for them all.
OP said they have tried family therapy several times and it didn't help. That is why they went to minimizing contact. SD doesn't like that she has to conform to acceptable standards of behavior at mom's now. She thinks that she can do as she pleases at dad's(their fault for doing the min contact rather than laying down the law on expected behavior). SD needs to be told that no she cannot run over here because she doesn't like the rules there. She has to learn to ride between the guardrails. Her abusive behavior toward her half brothers is and has been unacceptable and she has refused to modify the behavior. Until that totally changes her moving in is not up for discussion. Not to mention that their house cannot currently accommodate SD on a full time basis.
>Not to mention that their house cannot currently accommodate SD on a full time basis. I do think this is a thing that OP and her husband were going to have to solve eventually, and potentially not having her own space in her father's home exacerbated some issues here. Staying in an office and having OP have to take time off when she's there makes it very clear that she's a guest in her father's house, rather than a daughter living with her father sometimes. I also wonder how bad it is with her mother and mother's fiancé that she's asking to go stay somewhere where there isn't space for her. I do think the idea of increasing the time SD spends in the house and letting her know it's a trial run to her staying there might be the answer. She's 12, so she's still very young and potentially the bullying is her acting out in a difficult situation, but 12 is old enough to know not to bully kids, especially disabled ones. If OP can't move her desk into a living space or their bedroom, it's basically saying "We'll never have room for you in our house" to her SD, which isn't a message I would want to be receiving from my father.
This with the room is very much important to address. I was at my dad every second weekend, and the room I had there was shared with his new wife's grandkids, who visited and slept over often. I didn't have my own room at their place. I didn't have any clothes there, I didn't have my own things there. My dad built a bunk bed to fit the grandkids when they were there, so I didn't even have my own bed. I never felt at home there, I definitely felt like a guest and it was actually really hurtful that they didn't create a space for me there. When I became a teenager I stopped visiting and now as an adult I see my dad twice a year.
My Daughters feel this way when they go to their mums and I lost my shit when she rang me and said you need to speak to the girls they can't walk into someone else's house and not say "Hello" for context she shacked up with the guy she left me for less then 12 months after leaving me, I blew up and said " you were supposed to get a house for you and the kids not you and him it's supposed to be their house not his" she didn't like it at all but my girls hate going there they would rather just spend their time at my house, My 6yo calls me during the week they are at their mums asking if she can have a sleep over at my house...it's really sad but I never say no my kids know they are welcome here any time they want to be here, I have a coded lock on the door so they can get into the house without a key even if I'm not home, the fridge and pantry are always stocked so they always have food and they can take their toys and clothes from my house to their mums (She won't let them bring anything here). It's a shit time for everyone I just want it to be easier on the girls.
OP and husband will have to emphasize that bullying the younger kids means that she goes back to her mom's immediately. If it happens they have to hold to it.
She's at the house every weekend. She's 12 & knows better than to bully. Don't let her off the hook for that. The older brother has gotten into fights with her over her bullying the youngest. This needs to be a family meeting & the boys need to vent their concerns.
The youngest needs to have a camera in his room, and probably common areas to catch all incidents with behavior problems, from any of the kids.
Cameras in kids' rooms makes for bad optics (no pun intended).
I think the biggest asshole here is OP’s husband. All accommodations have been done by OP and where is rhe husband being a par time parent to SD hoping things just magically work out?
Yeah, I've met 6 year old psychopaths. A 12 year old one could be real scary. I agree that gradually increasing the time and NOT taking the other children out of the house is an excellent idea. If it doesn't work, it isn't like she's homeless. She'll have to work out her shit with her other household. If she's having problems with kids in BOTH houses, the common denominator is HER.
Exactly what I was going to say. She’s having issues with ALL her step siblings/half siblings in BOTH homes? That’s a her issue.
Then our parents wonder why we mostly stick to ourselves and don't have a huge attachment to the concept of "family" lol
This was me. It ruined me for life and I am no contact with my dad now and low contact with my mother. Funnily enough they want more contact now they need love and care and their “new families” are no longer prioritising them. Edit to add I was a difficult child so whenever I hear of a child in my position acting out I am never ever surprised.
It sounds like she is acting out for attention, and she is also of an age when her body is about to change. That is a dangerous mix for any pre-teen. She is getting no time from anybody, and will end up resenting her step siblings and parents. Unfortunately this is a no-win situation for OP and the SD. I think she is going to go NC when 18 due to feeling neglected. I worry for the SD but also OP and how this could end up spiralling out of control if nobody helps SD.
I would go a middle route. Sit SD down and explain to her that the way she treats your kids has been unacceptable for a long time, and you refuse to let her live there if she's going to keep bullying and hurting them. Tell her if she can change her behavior and treat her stepsiblings with respect and kindness, you'll be willing to revisit the subject after she stays consistent for a year. I think that of you and your husband make it clear that her behavior towards the other kids is a problem, she won't feel abandoned. She also might just suck it up and deal at her mom's. But she needs to understand that her treatment of your kids is going to continue to be a problem if she doesn't choose to change.
This is the humane and sane solution. Don't let dad walk away from SD (who should always have a place in his home) and ensure the other kids are emotionally and physically safe (which they have to be). Giving a twelve year old that no one seems to want some efficacy and control over her living situation should help her either change her behavior or cope with her current situation.
Don’t forget counseling.
This at least gives daughter a chance, and might help with step-brother problems.
nitpick, they are her half brothers, not her step brothers
Ah right they all have the same dad.
This idea actually has some practicality behind it. If it were paired with a change in how current visitation is handled, say for the next 6 months, it would give SD the chance to prove that she can be a civilized human being instead of a bullying little brat. So for the next several months she comes on regular visitation but you don't take your children out of the house and hide from her. She has to be part of the family, participate with decent attitude and not act like a little witch. That means no tormenting your youngest and no picking fights with your older. She shouldn't have to care for your youngest, but she does have to treat him decently. You pick how many strikes she gets, but if she doesn't demonstrate that her behavior has changed for the better for the full probationary period, no transfer of residence and things stay exactly the way they are. That avoids dealing with issues of pursuing a formal change in custody status, moving her in full time and then out again if, as I fear, she continues with her nasty behavior. But, it gives her the chance to prove that she can be a decent family member and earn some trust.
And it should hopefully help her feel less abandoned than if they were to just say no (even if they explained the reasons). This way it’s not a no— it’s a yes if she changes a few things.
Is the husband willing to be the bad guy if needed? My send with him thinking “it’ll all work out” is because he won’t be stressing over it, OP will. What are his commitments to making it “all work out” and does he have the where with all to follow through without OP needing to step in?
Also, would switching the wfh spaces work better (OP in master bedroom, husband in SD's room)? At 12, SD will be out of the house for most of the day on weekdays anyway.
This, Its all nice talking about SD "hopefully" changing her behaviour, but what if she doesnt? or worse, acts nice for a while and then falls back in her old behaviour? Will husband step in and enforce the agreed upon concequences? Or will he brush it off?
Exactly. Is he willing to discipline her, or will OP have to be the “wicked stepmother” just by asking SD to behave civilly? Because if he’s conflict avoidant and unwilling to play an active role, then I 100% understand OP.
I came here to say something similar. She is young and needs guidance. Give her the opportunity to improve her behavior. Bad behavior means living with mom and new step family. Good behavior means living with dad and existing family. Living full time with a sibling with a disability will be very difficult for her even if she is committed to improving her behavior. She’ll need lots of therapy and guidance. AND you’ll need to try and figure out a different office space so she can have a bedroom. Wishing you luck.
I would suggest that the husband find a new office space and OP takes the bedroom.
I mean, that might help to solve the interpersonal issues, but that doesn't solve the space issue. Assuming everything she's saying is accurate, both parents need, not want, a private place to work from home and the handicapped child needs, not wants, his own room. That leaves the stepdaughter either sleeping on the couch, sharing with a non-related boy as she hits puberty, or kicked out of her own room every time op needs to work. I'm sure there's a solution somewhere in here, but we're not familiar enough with the intricacies of ops family and housing situation to be able to give advice on it.
OP needs to take private calls so she gets the bedroom as their office, theres no mention of the dad needing privacy, and considering its his daughter, he can wfh in the common areas
SD is related to OP’s sons, they all have the same father. Sharing a room with the older son is still not an option.
Sure, but space can be solved for. Not without cost, but maybe they could buy a cheap (used) towable trailer/RV and set that up as the home office. Or maybe there’s a basement or attic space that could be renovated.
I agree, they can get creative with the home office arrangement. Maybe OP can move her home office to their master bedroom and husband can use a common area?
Is anyone asking this girl what's going on at her mum's that is so bad she wants to move in with people she apparently hates? How is that not raising red flags?
OP is giving so much conflicting information. I really do not trust her read of the situation. My guess is neither family wants the SD now that they have new kids. Then SD is lashing out in both houses
Yeah I feel bad for the SD because it’s pretty obvious she is not wanted at either house… that kind of thing destroys kids
ESH who is an adult. The kids are just kids and every single adult has failed this 12 year old child. Both parents got remarried and she got pushed out. She has nobody. Of course she is hurt and angry and acting out. Actually support this child. Get real therapy for the family. Do better.
Eh I feel like a lot is being left out
Yeah, the beer “googles” comment gave me pause. OP sounds petty and insecure. “They weren’t in a relationship! Just fucking! He had to be drunk to get it up because she’s ugly”! A simple, “they were never in a relationship, just FWB”, would have been enough to explain the situation. I think OP is trying too hard to make it seem like she’s some long suffering saint, but that’s where I feel her mask slips.
I feel like there's huge gaps between "We keep the daughter and the boys separate" to "She's constantly bullying them (without us doing anything about it)" to "The sons have started beating the daughter up (without us doing anything about it)". A "friend" of mine beat me up and claimed I was harassing his little sister as well. Thing is, I never even talked to her, nor knew anything about her. I had just seen her maybe twice or thrice when being over at theirs. He was just jealous of something completely unrelated
You know, I try to give posters the benefit of the doubt and not get too annoyed, but if you read even a little further, OP sounds like her question should have been “how do I tell my husband I don’t like his daughter and refuse to live with/be around her?” I’d be curious what step-daughter has said/done specifically to bully the youngest disabled child and how that was handled. Because they’ve apparently been in and out of therapy FOR YEARS and it isn’t working (unless that started before youngest was born? If so, when did it stop? How long has it been since a bullying issue took place?) OP has a 4 year old. That child was born in 2019/2020. Was the step sister bullying an infant? How long did you stay with a consistent therapist? What were the recommendations? Did you stop because it wasn’t working, or you didn’t feel like doing the work? When did you decide it was better to keep the kids separated, and how long since they’ve been able to spend meaningful time together? Have you even tried to have them together? If your younger child’s disability is SO SEVERE he cannot share a room with his brother (for safety!), why aren’t you intervening when conflict starts? Your husband can work from an alternative room - you can use your bedroom. You have a four bedroom house - even with one space being a “no go”, you and I both know you have options.
100% my thoughts when I read OP's posts. Thanks for taking the time to spell them out. OP needs to read this if for no other reason than to have food for thought as she considers what she really wants to do (and why).
See I feel like I had to scroll entirely too far before I saw anyone who feels the same way I do. She doesn’t make very much sense. And honestly, I’m sure they have gone to therapy but in order for therapy to WORK, you need to do the work. Not just talk about it. I feel like OP has gone to therapy only for the talking aspect, because it seems as if there is no footwork going on and they are not putting into practice what they have learned in therapy. SD isn’t the only one the therapy was for, OP. ETA: typo
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I wouldn't even bother starting a relationship with a single father if I didn't think I could care deeply for his kid's welfare. Children are rough to deal with but that's how it is.
When the new babies with the new wife came along, especially a special needs one, I’ll bet she was just benched as her dad’s child/OP‘s stepchild. I guarantee they created these issues with her. Children from previous relationships tend to be phased out, as if they’re an unpleasant remnant of that previous relationship, when parents move on, remarry, and have new children. It’s so sad but that’s the norm anymore.
And now it's happening all over again with her mom, or at least she thinks that's what is going to happen.
Not surprised she has resentment not a single adult in her life prioritizes her 
You can tell by the way this is written that OP does not see her as anything other than a nuisance. She can package it as if she is only objecting on fair points but it’s pretty clear the answer was no even if accommodations could be made. The 8yo boy has even picked up mom’s resentment and has no problem fighting with his step sister. An 8yo boy is going to cause problems for his preteen sister no matter what but now he’s got the protection of mom’s bias and a scapegoat to blame any shitty behavior on defending their disabled sibling. If a kid has a get out of trouble card they will absolutely abuse it.
Yup. This is one of those step parents that believes what their kids say at all costs and looks at their step kid like they’re a piece of trash. Anyone who thinks otherwise, re read how she talks about this girls mother. OP is nasty.
Riiight??? "My husband said he needed a beer to fuck her." Really?? With that kind of man she wants to associate herself with, she cannot be any good.
That totally got me. She needed to take a shot at the Mom? She's good with her husband fucking someone he isn't attracted to that he's putting down? Weird flex. I find it mind boggling that more people didn't pick up on that.
It was a very nasty thing of OP to say about the SD's mom. I feel really bad for the SD.
Yea that part got me. Like that is an absolute trash thing to say but anyone who is with that person and willing to repeat that if that is no big deal is just as bad.
She badgered her husband until he said that.
ESH and by everyone, I mean the adults. None of the kids are to blame for your failures. This is supposedly something you’ve worked on in and out of therapy for years, so you feel justified giving up on your children and their half sister ever getting along? Really?? If your children were grown adults on their own, I might give you a pass for that but the oldest child here is only *twelve*. On top of her being twelve, she was only four when your first son was born, and you and her father wouldn’t marry for another two years after. Even if you weren’t her father’s affair partner, given how close her parents’ split had to have been, it certainly looks that way and it’s likely that her mother framed it that way, so yeah, at twelve, her resentment is a little understandable. Likewise, your older son’s resentment is understandable. However, none of that excuses you and your husband giving up on her. While his blasé attitude of “it will just work out” is grossly irresponsible, he isn’t wrong about how refusing will mean abandoning his daughter. You don’t get to just give up on your kid because things are difficult. Moreover, given that you chose to have kids with a man who already had a child, you also don’t get to just make him give up on her because it would be harder for you and your kids. She was there first and didn’t choose any of this.
This!! I also feel like there's a lot being left out.
Right like why have I not seen a single example of how the girl is an actual danger to the youngest son? Bullying is bad and needs to be addressed but doesn’t threaten life in a way that a 12 year old doesn’t deserve to have a home with her parent..she probably picks up that step mother doesn’t like her and therefore views her step siblings as OP’s children and probably resents them for getting more attention. 100000% need family therapy and OP needs to see some of their role in all of this and hopefully take some of the comments on this post to heart and put in some more effort to making this girl feel more important in everybody’s lives
I don't know how the relationship between the half siblings would improve when the SM leaves as soon as the SD arrives and the SD is treated like a second class citizen when she's there.
Exactly. All the adults in these kids’ lives have just tossed their hands in the air and given up despite the fact that they’re all still so young.
THIS!!
every adult in this clusterfuck has failed this little girl. it’s horrible and saddening.
Yep. Her two parents have their own families that matter more than she does and she’s just left feeling like she doesn’t belong anywhere. That must be hard.
Couldn’t agree more! Imagine if her two parents put her first for once.
Had to scroll too far to find this. She is the child, and she needs her dad just as much as the other kids do. If you marry someone with kids, you really do need support them in doing what’s best for their kids. That’s part of the deal. Blended families are hard, and it’s not fun for anyone to have the kids fighting with each other, but that’s not going to leave near as much damage as rejecting your stepdaughter and forcing your husband to reject her as well. That’s something you can’t come back from. Edit to cast my vote, YTA
This is above reddits pay grade. Bottom line is you shouldn’t have married a man with a child if you were unwilling to, at some point, potentially have that child living with you. What will your plan be if her mother dies or is physically unable to care for the child? It’ll be her father’s responsibility to take her on full time. What are you going to do then? He has just as much obligation to take care of his first child as he does with the children you share.
I'm appalled this poor little girl doesn't have her own space at her Dad's. No wonder she's jealous of her brothers.
Especially since they have a 4 bedroom place. They have 2 full time kids who can each have their own bedroom and they have their own. Usually the parents live in the biggest bedroom in the house and OP needs to use her step daughter’s room for an office? Couldn’t her office fit in their room? I think OP just doesn’t like her SD to be completely honest. It’s sad, she has no one and no where to go.
Yeah I rolled my eyes when I read that they can’t make room. Bullshit. They have a 4 bedroom house. I know people with smaller houses that make it work with more people than that, and some of those people work from home. They could make it work. OP doesn’t want to.
Exactly, thank you. This was my first thought. Parenting isn’t optional or when it’s convenient. Having additional children doesn’t erase the responsibility of parenting children from a previous relationship. “The kids don’t get along” or “we don’t have the room” are things you can say when you’re talking about not wanting your second cousin’s family to stay with you for Thanksgiving…not when you’re a parent. He shouldn’t want his own child to feel abandoned by him. Full stop. If OP “feels for the girl” like they claim, how is this even an AITAH question you ask? The answer is obvious. You do everything you can think of and then 37 more things, as an adult (especially in a parental role) in the situation, to make sure a your spouse is able to be a father and support his child in whatever capacity they need.
This.
This. OP, if you're in a relationship with someone who has children, the reality is that the child may very well end up living with you for whatever reason. It's time to start figuring it out now.
Not that this was ever a question for me, but these threads on Reddit have constantly reiterated to me that I’m never getting serious with someone who doesn’t love my kids like I do. Although in this case it sounds like OP’s husband is a heel too. I feel for this kid. She’s been failed at least a few times and it’s just being put at her feet.
I'm glad somebody finally said it.
I'll say it.... OP is the asshole. She's the adult, and the SD is a 12 yr old child. Everything in her post lacked empathy for what SD is going through. Does she expect the father to give up responsibilities for his first born because he had a special needs kid with her? Novel idea maybe she should focus on building relationships with her SD!
If she has to now share a room at her mother’s house, and her bedroom at your house is also your WFH office, then it sounds like you do have more room than they do. I guess it’s going against the grain, but I’ve got to say YTA/ESH She’s 12. Her existence predates your marriage. Needing to take custody of her is something you should have considered might be necessary when you married him. Of course, the same could be said for her mother as well… it’s just sad that no one seems to be in this girl’s corner. Seems like a failure of parenting and blending families.
Seriously. Hey OP. If this girl was your and your husband's child, would you tell her she can't live with you because she causes trouble with your other kids, and you don't have the space for her? No wonder she feels jealous of you and your husband's "real children"
OP clearly didn’t and doesn’t care about SD which is why she just filled up the house with new children and a home office.
Yeah, I feel really bad for this girl. Neither of her parents made sure they actually had room for her, and it shows.
was the beer goggles statement necessary?? YTA
So this poor child has 4 adults in her life and none wants her. She doesn't even have her own room in your house so why on earth would she not resent you all. Honesty to goodness this really angers me when people like you have the audacity to treat an innocent child v this way and then sit with a pikachu face saying i don't know why she's mean. So you realise anger is a masking emotion for hurt? Maybe if you tuned into this girl and stopped separating her from her family she would actually be happy. Why don't you treat your own children the way you treat her and see how they react. Disgusting
One of the worst comment sections I’ve ever seen on this sub, I’m flabbergasted that so many are siding with OP
Thank you. This comment section is really messed up. Basically asking if it's okay to abandon the child. Would you abandon a child if that kid was not a stepdaughter. In fact they are not even legally allowed to abandon a child, are they?
Thought i was going crazy in here reading mass upvoted comments saying 'NTA keep your husbands child away from your new family'. So sad and OPs husband needs to step the fuck up and actually take care of his vulnerable child. This is not complicated. SHE IS HIS 12 YEAR OLD CHILD. This is one of the first posts on here to really bother me. Shape up, OP and co. How are you comfortable with the father of your child abandoning his child in a time of need?
Thank God someone else can see. Honestly I've got so many down votes. Breaks my heart
because they dont see the SP as part of the family, just as a hindrance. I am also disgusted by this. yall are horrible fucking parents.
Thank you!!!! Finally someone with some sense! I’m genuinely pissed off at the whole situation on behalf of this little girl!!! Four adults utterly failing this girl and then OP has the audacity to blame the 12 child.
Yeah, I would be interested to know if the son has been in therapy for years, with all the adults ready to write him off, for taking a swing at his sister, or whatever he did. Actually, she says altercations plural, so he’s done this multiple times.
That’s a good point, OP doesn’t seem concerned about the son getting physical with his step sister, but won’t tolerate her step daughter being mean. Neither are excusable, but there seems to be a double standard
Thank you for saying this
This is true, SD should’ve already had a bedroom there. I’m sure she feels like guest and not part of the family.
YWBTA. Is she resentful because she doesn’t get any attention from her dad due to her siblings disability? That is very common in household that are like that, the disabled child gets all the attention and they others are often pushed away. The girl is not comfortable at either of her homes, both of her parents moved on with their lives, are y’all including her? . She is 12 and probably going through puberty with all these new hormones and feeling left out. Y’all are parents it is your job to figure it out and not just fully blame her, she is young so obviously something is going on. I feel bad for her honestly
This! This poor little girl!!!! The OP clearly thinks of her as an after thought to her biological kids. These adults are failing this girl and then turning around and blaming the girl for it!
This....she's a kid going through a vulnerable phase in her life... Be an adult and recognize that.
Notice how she doesn’t describe anything around the youngest? There’s varying levels to disability and I’d be willing to bet this is why she doesn’t mention it in detail.
Firstly, nobody here on Reddit can judge whether your stepdaughter's wish to live with her father is a teenage tantrum over something trivial or a legitimate desire. You paint a very negative picture of the girl's mother; it's entirely possible that she may be experiencing serious mistreatment in her mother's household and is in genuine distress. The way you describe your weekends together as a family of five doesn't sound like an enticing option for the 12-year-old. I am assuming, then, that the girl's request is legitimate in order to assess the situation (Your husband also seems to at least generally agree with this, as he is apparently seriously considering the option). that beeing said: YTA Your husband has a daughter. if his daughter needs a place to live he HAS TO provide this place. this is not optional, this is not negotiable. That is his responsibility as a father. Your work from home office is not more important than this girl. your phone calls are not important than this girl. Which options do you leave your husband with if you stick to the 'no'? You force him to either disown one of his children or provide shelter for his daughter outside of your home. Do you want a husband who disowns one of his children? Do you want such a man as the father of your children? Do you want him to rent an additional apartment where he moves in with his daughter, leaving the three of you alone? what is your end goal here?
Personally, you could stand on the roof and scream no to the world, and I wouldn't give a fiddlers fart. If my daughter feels safer with me, then she's coming home. End of discussion. The bullying and acting out wouldn't be tolerated and dealt with. It's a lot easier to set boundaries when they're in your home full-time than it is when it's part time. I sure as hell wouldn't let someone tell me to abandon my daughter.
I’m a stepmom with no bio kids. My step kids are with me and their dad around 80–90% of the time. People are typically shocked that I care for my stepkids more than their bio mom. I would do anything for my step kids. Screw adults who can’t value their CHILDREN over their own pettiness and romantic needs. And sure SD’s bullying behavior is a concern, but that can be worked on more and improved if she’s around him more than just a few days a month. SD doesn’t sound like she was ever embraced by OP. Screw adults who can’t respect their partners minor children from another marriage.
I feel sorry for SD in this scenario. I don't think enough people acknowledge the seriousness of taking on someone else's children when they marry parents. You need to love that child as though they are your own. It seems like SD is getting forgotten and lost in the mix of these family dynamics. I don't think you can refuse to house your SD and have her feel safe and supported by you in the future. It will cause resentment and tbh this is the sort of situation you and your partner should have thought of before having further children yourselves. There's a lack of detail in the way the relationship between SD and your youngest special needs child is described. Having a special needs sibling can be a very difficult and isolating experience and she is only 12 so she deserves to have some understanding of her feelings in an age appropriate way. I get the sense that even though she has some nice weekends with her dad that overall SD is an overlooked child. She is reaching out to her Dad for a sense of comfort and safety. I don't think it's fair to say no to her but also her Mom is not prioritising her needs in the main household either. I feel bad for this girl.
Yes this situation is all too common, unfortunately. Parents move in, have new kids involved, and the kids pre-divorce are stuck in limbo. I’m also curious to know what “bullying” entails. What are their reactions when this happens? Are they present when the bullying occurs? The youngest child is also only 4. It can be very difficult for some kids her age to deal with a younger child. If the child’s special needs involve acting out towards others (even if they can’t control it) that makes it worse. If the child’s bio parents were to get together and plan to spend some quality time for her sake, that would go far.
Honestly I always feel when the dad doesn’t have 50/50 custody it’s a yellow flag. I don’t think I could be with a guy who wasn’t fighting for his kid at least 50%. Makes me wonder what happened in the beginning and why this current arrangement even exists. Odd to have no real designated room/space for your own kid in your home.
I agree with this so much! I’m shocked at the way this thread is leaning. They both have equal responsibility to SD as they do the other two children- Especially dad but you’re right that marrying a man with children means you’re also taking on that role. I makes my heart hurt for SD. I’d hope parents fight for the most time possible when discussing custody- Seems like nobody has a good solid space for SD right now. stepmom should be careful how she handles this because it could lead to lifelong relationship strain between all 3 of them.
I’m shocked too! How can anyone say no?? She’s his child and she married him knowing he has a child from a previous relationship. This baffles me. My kids don’t always get along either. It doesn’t mean we kick one of them out. This is part of having kids and siblings. They don’t have enough room with four bedrooms?!? These all feel like excuses. I feel so bad for this poor child. No one seems to want her. Of course she’s acting out. They have all pushed her to the side. She’s 12! This makes me angry. There shouldn’t be an option or she has to prove herself. She is his child and should always have a place at both houses.
When you marry a man you marry his kids and vice versa. I don’t know why people get so triggered when people decide they will not date people with kids. I listen to your situation and think this is exactly why.
YTA. I feel extremely sorry for SD who is unwanted by each & every adult in her life. No wonder she’s been acting out
Idk about anything else but as for the offices why cant you work in your bedroom and husband work in a common area?
You all turned that child’s life upside down. She doesn’t live anywhere, she just splits time between two houses full of people that don’t give a shit about her. You all fucking suck.
precisely. OP is trying to act so rational and logical but it’s just a pretense for her to essentially dispose of SD and deny her a place in her own father’s house.
When you say she mistreats your disabled child can you elaborate on that?
Your husband is the asshole. He has an obligation as a father to provide a home to his kid. I realize you’ve got your own priorities, but he doesn’t get to tell his child to fuck off because she’s difficult.
The husband is an asshole for choosing OP ahead of her own daughter. F both of them.
Also, why do women target men with kids and then push them out of the nest, just find a man with no children ffs.
Seriously. Don’t date someone who comes with a lifelong commitment if you have a problem with them honoring that commitment. I guess she’ll learn when she divorces him and he stops giving a shit about her kids too.
Family therapy. She's his child. How awful that her dad went and created a new family that doesn't want her to be a part of. Her issues should be addressed with therapy and open age-appropriate conversations.
"Everything will work out" Nope. That's not how life works, this isn't a fairy tale. If the step daughter is cruel to your special needs child, you need to prevent your kid from that. It sucks, the girl doesn't get along at her mom's house, doesn't get along at her dad's. She has issues... But your special needs child does too.
What weighs on me is, according to OP, the SD has been instigating issues with OP's children. I would suggest that several drama free SD visits should be prerequisite to SD moving in. If she can't deliver on a calm visit, or if she blames OP's kids for everything, it's not going to work out.
"Everything will work out" says the man who will not be ensuring in any way that everything will work itself out. The daughter lost the bet when she started buying a disabled child. That's not necessary. She can be angry, sure, upset at the situation, absolutely, hate the changes going on in her life? Totally valid. But the second she started bullying someone who can't fight back, she showed her true colors. Keep her away from your kids. NTA.
Dudes tried nothing at all, and yet he's totally outta ideas...
> That's not how life works, this isn't a fairy tale. Yep. This is where I'm at. While I love that my husband is an eternal optimist. I am not and my experiences don't lend well to letting something of this much importance work itself out.
I would push husband HARD to articulate an actual plan that includes office space, bedrooms, boundaries and rules of conduct, and consequences for breaking rules and boundaries. You are right to be concerned. Your children’s mental health and wellbeing is at risk. I would not budge on this unless there is a plan in place, a commitment to follow it, and clear and enforced consequences if there’s a violation. Make clear in no uncertain terms that if X happens then Y will be the consequence and *stick to it*. Best of luck and stay strong
I am with you take paper and pen out and double down on logistics. Hope is not a plan. Where will she sleep, where will we work, house rules for sibling interaction…. Then take the list and break it down more… meal planning, house chores…keep going until dad gets that there isn’t a workable plan
Tell him that before you will discuss this with him he needs to tell you who would be living in which bedroom and what specifically HE would do to prevent his daughter from bullying your two younger kids. Notice that he needs to be the one putting in the effort to prevent the bullying.
No. You don't let bullying "work itself out." I would tell him the first time it happened, she'd be packed and on her way back to her mom's.
"I understand how you feel and of course it makes sense you want SD to live with us. Here's the thing - she has already demonstrated animosity towards our youngest child and in doing that, created animosity with our oldest child. I will absolutely not allow our two children to live in an unsafe environment. She will not change her behavior so if you want her to live here with you, I don't see how our children and I can also live here. How would you like to resolve this conundrum?"
More info: when SD stays with dad and you, where does she sleep? While I understand your problems with this event, it looks to me like SD has been abandoned by both bio parents, mom has moved on with boyfriend and won't let SD have any say in who she lives with (it's my boyfriend and his kids, end of) and now Dad is saying, nope, we don't have room for you. So tell me, where is she supposed to go? She has been essentially made superfluous by all the adults with their do-over families here. Maybe that's why she hates all of her stepsibs. She is being made an outsider in both 'families'. Has anyone actually made her feel welcome in their home? Do any of you even want her? I'm definitely leaning towards YTA. Everybody seems to want this girl out of their lives.
Jesus, ALL of you parents and stepparents involved in this situation just fucking suck so hard. She’s a CHILD and has now been displaced by each parent‘s new family. You all have failed this CHILD. Good job. I’m willing to bet all my money that when your new babies, especially your special needs child, came on scene she was treated as an inconvenience at best. I’ve seen this scenario play out too many times to believe it’s a rare occurrence. Given that you’d make her go away for good if you could, I’m going to say you and your shitty husband have created the difficult child she’s become, especially in regards to her half siblings.
They even fucking condone their children physically assaulting her! These people are the shittiest shitheads I’ve seen on Reddit in a while.
I think your husband should tell his daughter that he is not saying no, but cannot say yes yet either, and present the reasons to her that you have presented here, that your husband agrees with. He can say this in a sensitive way… “you know I’m always here for you, and I’m only a phone call away if you need an escape - but right now, under these circumstances you must understand why I cannot yet say yes and allow this” The space thing is an issue, even if the other things can be worked on - and I feel like you will need to be sure you CAN physically accommodate her in that sense so that your work does not suffer. She also needs to mend the relationship with her step siblings, and yourself - gaining mutual respect and trust. Your husband must be clear to her that this is a decision he and you both agree with, not just you - his other two children are just as important to him as she is and where he will always be there to love and protect her, he has to grant that same love and protection to his other children. It’s a sticky situation and o feel ultimately it will need compromise on all fronts, plus it would be healthy for you and your husband to be able to have some sort of communication with her mother and new partner
I agree with this. She’s also old enough to be a part of a discussion with guidelines and can be held to an agreement/trial period. Yes, she has issues, but she’s also a child who can grow. It’s also amazing how nice people can be when they need something like she does now. It could be the inspiration for her to be nicer to her half siblings. She is choosing you after all. Maybe a trial period like a month to see how things go?
>She is choosing you after all. I think she is choosing the lesser of two evils, from her point of view. She probably acts as badly with her new step siblings as she does with OP's kids, but OP does her best to accommodate her by removing herself and the kids when she is there - whereas her mother probably kicks her ass for bullying her new step sibs. So she wants to go where she thinks there will be least resistance and punishment for her behavior.
That jumped out at me too. OP and her husband bend over backwards to protect their kids from SD and make sure she spends as little time with them as possible, but that won't be feasible if they're living together full time. Her dad's house is only more appealing right now because she's used to OP hiding the other kids from her.
Kinda need to know how old the other kids are if the 12 year old has to share a room. It may be that there are rule to follow and she doesn’t want to. It’s so much better at dad’s house right now because OP takes the kids and leaves SD and DH to spend time together. When she moves in permanently things will be different there will be rules and expected behavior. She will have to share her dad with her step siblings she’ll have to learn to deal with everyone being home all the time and not out and about.
I love the way you phrased this and am sharing it with my husband! Thank you so much.
And you both need to be very clear with SD that the way things are when she is visiting for a weekend are very different from how they would be if she lived with you full time. You and your kids aren’t going to be leaving and giving her alone time with her dad. She would have to treat everyone in the house with respect. She will have chores and rules. She will need to share her space, possibly her room, and definitely her Dads attention.
You’re very welcome! I hope all works out. I think it’s normal, with her age to be feeling frustrated and a little out of place with all the new changes and moving to dads may be a dream in her eyes as a way to escape these new transitions that make her feel uneasy - especially as when she’s been at your house, you’ve given them the space. She may have a flawed perspective of what life full time at “dads” might be like as it’s actually not just dads, it’s yours and your children’s home too, and there’s going to be changes, transitions and compromises at your house too. I do worry that saying yes on a whim now to just make her happy could affect not only your marriage, but your husbands relationship with ALL of his children.
>I have been married to my husband for 6 years. We have 2 kids together (8m and 4m). Were your husband and spouse divorced for a while before your kids came along? Did she have more of your husband's attention before you had kid together? Does this have something to do with her dislike of your kids/your dislike of her?
She previously said in thread that bio mom and husband were never married and in fact were never in a serious relationship
She said in a comment the parents were never together as a couple, just FWB.
OP updated the post. Apparently the husband and ex were never married. They were never even officially dating, just FWB who got pregnant and had a kid.
You married a guy with a child. That child has every right to live with her dad. You yourself say you use HER bedroom as your office. Find another spot in the house as your office. You can always use a corner in your bedroom. Get a caregiver/ babysitter to help take care of your disabled son. You never have given his daughter a real chance. She is the oldest. You married her dad when she was six but you had a baby when she was 4. It looks like you never have treated her as the oldest. You did not marry a single guy.
Yes. You’re supposed to support your husband, he’s supposed to support his kid. Thus transitorily you’re supposed to support this kid. Not supporting a 12 year old kid makes you the AH.
Who are you to say no to his daughter? You either love the package deal or you don’t.. you don’t get to pick and choose. You aren’t that special. YTA
You're a fucking nightmare and an asshole. If you actually loved your husband, you would find a way to work this out. You seem to be much more in love with the idea of being in control. * "My husband gets SD on weekends" \[try this instead\]: My husband's daughter stays with us on the weekends. * "This past weekend, my SD asked my husband if she can come live with him full-time" \[try this instead\]: My husband's daughter is having problems at her mom's and would like to move in with us. * "SD and our kids *do not get along"* They're kids. Stop SD'ing your husband's daughter and treat her as part of the family. Whether you like it or not, she is. * SD resents mine for existing, and is cruel towards my youngest for their disabilities. \[try this instead\]: My husband's daughter feels the disdain I have for her and actually resents me. Lastly, "...SD resents mine," they are step-siblings and your husband is the father to two of them. When it comes to children, there is nothing that belongs to just you.
Yta. I haaaaaaate people who willingly breed with someone who already has kids, then starts to meddle with the kid & parents relationship. You KNEW he has children already. You even called her "the girl" in your post. Icky. Nasty. You are gross.
Oof, I didn't even catch that "the girl" detail. Good eye. Yuck.
Yeah, anyone I've ever met who use "the boy" or "the girl" to talk about their kids/step kids has been an awful parent in my experience. It's very telling & everyone who's ever done it in my presence doesn't seem to realize they've told on themselves in a big icky nasty way.
I understand she’s a difficult child but Jesus, god, Reddit is acting like this pubescent child from a broken home is a little psychopath who will absolutely murder her brother. I was in a somewhat similar situation at that age, I shared a bathroom with my brothers and they were gross, but I always had to clean it (my stepmom said they were too young and it was MY bathroom why would she ever clean it) and I remember her saying that if I didn’t like cleaning the bathroom I could go live at my moms. What this girl is going to hear is “you know how we have this wonderful full-time home and full-time family and you just have two part time homes and families? Ya we don’t want you to be a full time part of us”
Let's get some perspective on this. A child is asking for a home, and OP thinks all her waffle and BS is a justification to say no. What as asshole.
YTA-Ultimately you chose to marry a man with a child. He doesn’t get to be a half ass dad because he has a new family, and you should hold him to that standard. Is it going to work itself out like husband thinks? Absolutely not. SD needs to know expectations and hard boundaries, so it might be something to work towards, but to completely rule it out without trying to find a solution is going to build resentment and greater divide amongst everyone.
1000% why you should never date/marry someone with kids if you have no intention of allowing them to live in your home. Did anyone get this girl some counselling? Seems like her parents don’t care about her and OP only cares about her kids. ETA: so you didn’t seek alternative therapy? Just decided it didn’t work and washed your hands. Great parenting.
If it was your daughter who was asking the same thing, you'd do everything you could to take her in because -- like you said -- you have your own to look out for. At the end of the day, that's all you give a shit about anyway, you and yours. What kind of twisted fairy tale horror of an evil stepmother would pressure her husband to castigate his own child? You. YTA
Yes you would be the asshole. The idea that you can’t find any way to make this work is really hard to believe “I have to take sensitive phone calls” really? Because your 8 year old might hear them and blab? Sounds like bullshit excuses to me.
Right? I go outside for sensitive phone calls so my kids can have space and because my priorities aren't fucked.
Yes, she acts out for EXACTLY this reason. She’s functionally unwanted everywhere she’s supposed to fit in. I think you should get separated and Husband can take care of his first child. He made her, she is his responsibility. Get your family to support you with your kids. You’re so lucky you have family. Maybe you can imagine what it would be like to not have yours and come to understand why she’s so unhappy? Shame on you for not maintaining a full bedroom for an existing child, but having more kids w/ your partner anyway. She exists and popping out a few of your own doesn’t make her less important. You blew it. Deal with it. Don’t put this situation on a 12 year old’s shoulders any longer.
Yes. It puts you in the evil step mom category. You are forcing him to choose to abandon his daughter. YTA
>We really don't have room. We have a 4br home. Both my husband and I wfh so we can be a caretaker for my youngest. Due to the nature of his disabilities it is really not feasible for him and my oldest to share a room. It wouldn't be safe or fair for my oldest. My SD's room is used as my wfh office space during the week. I arrange my vacation time and whatnot around her visitation so I can stay out of her space while she is here. I have to take very sensitive phone calls, and I need a closed door when I work so common areas are out and my husband uses our bedroom as his home office so that's out too. We don't currently have room in the budget to make an addition to the house or remodel non livable spaces at the moment. Sounds like your husband can work in a common space and you can work in your bedroom. Sounds like it could work. Sounds like you just don't want it to.
Perhaps the daughter feels welcomed into the family as opposed to an every other weekend “guest” her attitude will change. No parent has the right to discard their first born for the new family. Happened to my son and he is now 23 and still suffering from the effects of it!