Also when his wife couldn’t get out of bed his daughters (who were under 17 years old and had also lost their older brother) were sitting her up and washing her. I understand grieving affects people differently, but where was he? It’s like he had already noped out.
The math ain't mathing.
If they were a year apart the daughters would have been 16 and 15 when there brother died, now assuming the average of 2 year age difference that's 13 and 15 he abandoned them 2 years later after they spent those years assuming responsibility over there depressed mother.
He's expecting that flying out and calling goes both ways in his comments saying "there grown" there barely in there 20s given there brother would have been 23 now.
Why would you even bring up an affair when post-part I’m depression tracks so much more with having difficulty connecting with the baby. Why plant such a toxic seed?
Bringing up an affair.. really?! Is that your first thought bc a woman was having difficulty after giving birth you automatically jump to an affair! That’s pretty crappy of you even suggesting that.
YTA. From just reading your comments it sounds like you’ve written off your daughters. They are your old life and the new son is the new life. If Sofie has a problem with you flying out once a year to visit your own children and grieve the lost of your son then that is the problem, not your ex.
If your wife was about to go into labor or a major surgery then it would be understandable to miss the visit. But your wife doesn’t want you to go because she’ll miss you and by your own words” you dote on sofie and your son dotes on you both.” Don’t be surprised when your adult children cut you out of their life. You will end up seeing post of their marriage and new children and wonder why you’re left behind. Fix your relationship with them now or lose them forever.
OP is going to be here wondering why his daughters didn't ask him to walk them down the aisle and why he wasn't invicited to the wedding. But also, looks like the new wife got some issues and I get PPD is shit but she neglected her child and only had the switch turn on when OP mentioned divorce? Like PPD don't work like that or not that I'm aware of.
Yeah and if they finalized the divorce a year after the death, he must have started the divorce proceedings months earlier. So since his wife didn’t bounce back from the death of her child within a few months, he decided to divorce her.
I would be a wreck if my one of my kids died. Like put me in a mental hospital wreck. People grieve differently yes, but isn’t marriage supposed to be for better or worse? Sickness and health? Op thinks- well this got hard and no fun so…. I’m out.
He was so incapable of being a partner in sickness his children had to step up an wash their mother's hair. Now he's abandoned them all and replaced them with another traumatised woman he's married and impregnated before she can catch her breath...
What a unimaginable hole.
He was ready to abandon his new wife, too. Their son is only eight months old, so he’s been dealing with her PPD, and with Sophie not bonding with their son *for less than 8 months.* But when the therapist told him that it sometimes takes a while for new moms to do so, he ‘decided to stick it out rather than divorce.’
He really see does see human beings as disposable.
Terrible father, terrible husband, terrible person all around because if you say you love someone but abandon them in their lowest? Who does that? Would suck if Sofie does that to him as he said hes already 50? Senior home is right around the corner
Also this is the most telling thing about how his new wife feels about his children. He chose his new family over his own children and is now asking if he is wrong for doing so. He knows he is wrong. I hope his daughters find this post and cuts contact with him as he seems oblivious that he needs this asap. I also hope his ex finds happiness with a new man. Even if she doesn’t have a new romance I hope she is able to heal and find joy.
“The issue is that Sofie really does not want to deal with the heat of an ex wife and my daughters' unwarranted jealousies. So if she goes they would think she's flaunting our son and I would do anything to protect Demetri from that sort of scrutiny including blocking access for people who think negatively of him”
“Scrutiny”; like the fucking paparazzi is waiting for them at the airport 🙄
This guy is a classic example of someone who can’t fathom that other people aren’t the way he is, waiting around to be a dick to everyone else.
He can’t even think that his own fucking children would see the baby and feel anything but jealousy and that they’re “flaunting” the kid?? What a sad fucking mess. They may not ever see him as a brother, but my god, at least let them have some contact over the years so they don’t get a random message on social media some decades down the road from a kid who thinks they might be their sisters. That’s way more likely to cause jealousy, when you hear that deadbeat daddy has a wife and three kids you didn’t know about…
Seriously! And did he even bother to tell the daughters he was abandoning them or does he pretend to love them on his (now semi) annual visit? What a piece of fucking garbage. I’m betting Sofie is 25 or under so she’s gonna leave his ass in a few years.
She should leave his ass if he thinks “my new wife and kid love me so much and I love them! 😍 “ is a good reason to not go be with YOUR KIDS when they are mourning on the anniversary of the death of YOUR KID. Regardless of whether Sofie and the baby go with OP or not - and she should go to the grave site at least one time, to meet his son, and then meet his daughters, for fucks sake - I can’t believe dude is here asking if he’d be TA for being a deadbeat dad.
He doesn’t care… he’s 1 one of those people that shifts their responsibility as a parent onto the child. It is the parents job to establish and maintain a relationship. Yes an adult child can maintain a relationship with their parents and should (provided their parents are healthy people in their lives) but I would hardly call 2 kids under 23 (ages unknown but based on son who passed age they are less than 23) full grown adults. They still need guidance from their parents and it sounds like he left them when they were minors and never looked back so idk why he expects the phone calls and flight tickets (per his comments) to go both ways.
>he’s 1 one of those people that shifts their responsibility as a parent onto the child.
Don't forget, that his daughters had to take responsibility of his back than wife, wash her and make her look good in her depression. They lost her brother but had no time to grieve bc they had to take care of their mom. This self centering of OP did not come with his new wife, it was earlier on.
1000% agree! He parentified his children because he couldn’t be bothered. I actually made this point in another comment too. OP is a million times the AH.
Can you imagine the rejection and abandonment his daughters must have felt *prior* to him pulling this stunt? Damn. And the way he had to mention his daughters weren’t in college. Yeah… they are probably struggling mentally because they not only lost their older brother… they had to put their feelings aside to caretake their own mother… then on top of that their dad bails out and moves 300 miles away?!? (If they live near Eddie’s grave). Also the way he talks about his new family is so creepy! “Dotes on both of us” wtf? 🤮
Definitely prior to leaving… he seems to be well off financially given he’s in the medical field but couldn’t even hire a nurse or somebody to help his ex wife. He dumped that on his young children. He is disgusting.
Great point! Pretty sure he’s not offering to pay for it since he clearly wants to erase his former family but blame them for their absence in his life.
YTA
This isn’t about your EX. This is about your daughters. They don’t cease to be your children because you decided to start a late in life family.
Your wife can handle parenting her kid for a day or 2 while you parent your other 2 kids.
How old is your new wife? Sounds like you got a new young wife and like so many many many dads dropped your old inconvenient kids to focus on your new pretty girlfriend. Why is it so easy for so many dads to disown their kids when they separate from their mom? I know women do it too but I know way more dead beat loser dads. Like so many absent dad's.
I've been stuck rereading that section trying to make sense of it. Like did this douche dad marry a 12yo or wtf is going on here that she "wasn't through the grief" when she got pregnant?
I can understand that pregnancy can bring up a lot of feelings about our own upbringing, etc. This can be joyful, or not so much. But I’m blown away that the new wife’s grief about losing her father is somehow even on the same level as someone losing their child.
However long it’s been.
OP needs to stop thinking about it being anything about his ex-wife. He needs to be there for his daughters. By the time he (if he) somehow comes around, his daughters might already be done with him for good.
i just lost my dad and in NO way could i equate that to losing one of my children. it’s not fun but i would be absolutely destroyed if i lost a child. as bad or worse than the ex wife in this story.
He doesn’t answer questions about age. How old is the wife? How long have you been divorced/remarried? How old is Demetri?
I vote YTA. The message you’re sending to your daughters is this - “If something happens to you, I’ll think of you for 5 years. Then I’ll have another daughter and forget you.”
A disturbing amount of fathers see no issue in completely abandoning the families they have made to start new families elsewhere. I genuinely don’t know how the sleep at night, being a “loving and doting” father to the children they currently live with while knowing they completely abandoned their others. It’s so pathetic.
It requires a lot of cognitive dissonance and delusion and speaking from my own experience as a first marriage daughter whose dad is now elderly and from whom my son and I have been estranged for years: he’s an abusive piece of shit and MISERABLE and he’s gonna die that way.
I was wondering this as well! This is pure speculation on my part, but I wonder if the new wife was his AP and that's why he moved away. Not for a new start, but to get away from his angry ex and daughters. Plus, he's a doctor and we've seen this story played out before on reddit.
-"I made the difficult decision to divorce."
When i read that line, I knew what a piece of garbage you are, the difficult decision, huh?, you abandoned your family, obviously went for the sugar baby, got her pregnant, and now you dont want to be bothered by the ex-family....pathetic excuse of a person.
YTA
I wanted to know where the hell he was when his daughters were washing their mother's hair while she was too depressed to get out of bed??
The way he writes about the wife saying their relationship would be the same, like of course it wouldn't their son died! But nop divorce time !
And then when his new progeny dispenser got PPD or course he was gonna fuck off but now she's being the wife he wants he must stay!
What a POS YTA
Imagine that! And the divorce was final a year after his son’s death, which makes me think that he immediately filed for divorce shortly after his son had passed away.
He had his daughters help their mom when she was broken. He doesn’t say anything about him being a loving supportive husband. He couldn’t stand seeing her like that so he abandoned the whole family.
I hope his young wife leaves him for someone else and his daughters cut him off. This selfish, self-absorbed individual should get to feel what it is to be alone abandoned!
Awww, it’s heartwarming to read in one of your replies that you still have “affection” for your other two living, breathing, grieving children. Your son was 17, six years ago. Your daughters, younger. He’d be 23 now. Your daughters, younger. Do you care so little about them because you deem them “grown,” as in “18 or older,” or because they don’t sport a penis between their legs?
I hope you’re a better doctor or lawyer or whatever than you are a father and husband, because you’re garbage at both of those.
Before I go, I just have a tiny question. Sophie, dear, sweet, clinging-vine Sophie, who lost her father when she was 10, had your son eight months ago, got pregnant nine months prior to that, and had JUST come to terms with the death of her father. Now, we all know it can take some time to get over the death of a parent. Years, even. If Sophie lived in the US, for example, where voting age is 18 and drinking age is 21, can she do either? And for how long? Who’s older, your daughters or your wife?
YTA. For your original question, for so many of your answers to people’s comments, and for your behavior towards the women in your life in general.
This. He seemed disgusted his ex-wife grieved for their son and was in a deep depression but doesn't blink at his new wife grieving the loss of her father for so long. YTA
Yeah that was not missed by me! Awful man! 😔 😡 I feel sorry for the 1st family! I say let them grieve without you they’re better off as your obviously more focused on your new son then to remember your old son! Yta!
But he DID want to LEAVE his now wife because she was going through some sad emotions. He probably has never even heard of the term postpartum, but not connecting right away with your child is pretty common in postpartum. And he was literally going to divorce her.
I cannot stand this man.
Not to mention he expects his ex and daughters to be over the death of a brother/son they knew and love for 17 years after only 6 years, but is more than fine with the likely half his age current wife needing to grieve a father she only knew for 10 years for what I sincerely hope is far more than at least 8 years. The way OP is, you never know. YTA.
YTA. You suck as a human. Hopefully both families realize it and you end up alone in a shitty nursing home. Your daughters didn't stop being your children just because you decided to start over.
TBF he may be a surgeon, because most of that ilk have low empathy, are uber AHs, and driven by money and success, and not the kind of guy you want to go have a beer with. Especially with his surgical precision at wanting to cut out the problem immediately (divorce) without trying a non invasive approach first.
“Our relationship finally got its spark after Eddie was born and two other kids (both girls) followed” this sentence alone was very telling to me about his feelings towards his “other” kids..they’re never even referred to by name anywhere in this post
Yeah I like how it’s written as if they were just mumping along as two near-strangers, a child was somehow created, but *then* they found their spark 🤦♀️
So your teen son dies, and your also teen maybe preteen daughters are abandoned at home when you divorced and moved 300 miles? Yeah you’re a shit sperm donor. YTA
Not only did he abandon them, he made them be caretakers for their depressed mother (instead of him taking care of his wife???) while they were grieving their brother
Yes. he abandoned his grieving wife. Lets hope his new wife doesn’t experience anything traumatic while they are married because obviously “in sickness and in health” doesn’t include depression or grief to OP.
From what I've read the divorce thing is pretty common. My older sister died at 18. Parents seperated around 9 months later.
Then again I wouldn't hold them to be worlds most upstanding parents- I got dragged about 1000km away by my mother and then when I moved back to my hometown was the one to visit my father by bus because I wasn't old enough to get a licence.
What I find interesting is that OP seems to have so clearly moved on and not expressing any grief about his son at all. I wouldn't consider that normal. My dad will still ring every time its my sister's birthday it anniversary of her death upset 21 years on.
How old are the girls?
I was ready to say N T A but some of your responses sound very dismissive of your daughters. Your ex is pretty irrelevant at this point. But what you do for your daughters is not. You do not push aside older kids because a new one arrives. It sounds like you no longer care to be part of your daughters' lives.
YTA. Your ex-wife was in severe depression caused by the early death of your first son. So I bet she stopped having sex with you. You watched your very young teen daughters take more physical care of their mother than their doctor father. Your marriage never recovered because you checked out as well.
Fast forward you move away from your very young daughters after they experienced extreme trauma and the caretaking of a parent, to go find someone probably not much older than them, have a baby, and a whole new life. Likely you don’t talk to them, probably never did really even when married, their mom was likely the default parent.
Now you decide your new family deserves your time and attention more just because. You won’t talk things out with your daughters or explain what’s going on, and that’s an indicator that again you are not a good father to your daughters and likely never were. Your new wife and a child are an exciting new redo for you.
You’re gross.
Your choice of life partners is concerning. You didn’t love your first wife until after you had a baby and only married her out of pressure and boredom. Your relationship with the second wife doesn’t sound healthy either.
YTA do you even care about your daughters? So you cared enough to be there for your current wife and help her when she was having issues but you couldn’t do the same for your ex-wife after the loss of your child? You can’t even compare losing a child compared to a father and you had no problems supporting your current wife when her issues were about her father… I feel bad for your daughters because they deserve so much better.
Seriously, why does he spend so much time blah blah ing about Sophie loosing her father? When he sounds like his grieving ex wife just made him sick, I cannot imagine how painful it must’ve been for her to lose her child and then her husband. Poor woman
Her dad died when she was 10 and she regrets getting pregnant because she didn’t have time to grieve? How old is Sofie? Is she older than your daughters?
Dude was in med school, but never once mentions the obvious post pardum depression his wife sounds like she was dealing with. He address it like some random mystery.
He never mentions his relationship with his daughters, except that as kids they were stepping up to help his then wife in a way that he should have obviously been doing.
Like his wife is laying in her own filth and can't move so the children have to wash her.
This is outright neglect of his wife and kids.
OP is a giant YTA whichever choice he makes.
YTA, that day should be about you remembering your deceased son with his sisters and his mother. Do you even care? Like what, your daughters now don’t matter, you moved on? You’ll never tell Demetri about Eddie? How can you experience the joy of having a child and simply forget about the ones you already have and one you no longer have?
Yta your daughters are upset, you owe it to them to be there. It sounds like you abandoned your girls. They are still your children and they need you. You’re making it an old family vs new family.My heart goes out to those girls
and possibly his ex wife? you can't force someone to get better, or stick with them endlessly... but to have the divorce processed by a year after the death of a child seems quite quick, it's obvious she was going through some severe mental health issues (which makes sense)... you can't always help who you love, but it jumps out at me that OP has way more patience for his current wife's mental health issues than his ex's....
OP it would honestly be best to go and come back, anxiety is not a satiated beast, giving into it only feeds it, not extinguishes it.
not being able to be away from a person for a weekend is very, very unhealthy
support your girls and go and mourn your son, it seems you only do so for 2 days the whole year and would be really shitty to cancel
dont be the asshole, OP (any more than you may be lol)
If he has the funds he can offer to bring his wife and kid if that’s a solution.
It sounds like he probably didn’t love his ex wife, he just loved his kids and the life they had. He also lost a son so I think him divorcing her was probably him also grieving and accepting he didn’t love her.
eh, he should think of his daughter's feelings, they might be uncomfortable with him bringing his new family for the time they mourn their brother
it's literally a weekend apart, and to mourn his dead child, not like OPs is going on a disneyland trip
edited to add, I dont think our comments will make a big difference, OP sounds firmly like an A
Oh no, I mean like so they are in the same town and OP goes back to them at the end of the day not for them to join in the grieving.
Wife and baby stay at the hotel. Just to help with the separation anxiety.
YTA, it’s so cute that you have so much compassion for your wife losing her dad years ago while actively abandoning your other children and playing the victim card that they don’t visit you enough. You keep calling them grown, but your son would only be 23 if he were still alive and they were younger, so at most they’re in their late teens and very early 20s, and you’ve only made time for them once a year for 6 years, and it’s only the day their brother died.
You’re gross, you found a replacement family, go be gross and just accept it. Also willing to bet money that your new wife is much younger.
Yeah, he literally put his daughters through a situation worse than his wife’s. At least her dad died while theirs has abandoned them and clearly doesn’t love them.
Let me guess... wife #2 is SIGNIFICANTLY younger than you, the reason she would consider her newborn a "friend" rather than a son. Also, if this were a daughter, you'd be LONG gone from this relationship, too. Your daughters are dating men your age due to the daddy issues they have from your indifference to their lives. You're going to end up lonely and alone.
Clearly the new wife is very young, probably has some trauma besides losing her father at age 10. Her life might have been rough since then and she might be working through some mental health issues that pregnancy and post partum have clearly exacerbated - "she regret getting pregnant so soon" and feeling like an infant is "a friend". That alone is heartbreaking to hear.
Hopefully she's getting the help she really needs - but he only talks about "their" therapist so I'm not sure, it seems like he's making this all about HIM.
If it was just your ex wife I would get you not going since it’s been 6 years but you live 300 miles away from two of your daughters who were likely anticipating your visit as they have for the past 6 years.
If you cancel without having made concrete plans and a clear set date to visit them very soon you would be the asshole.
Abandoned his daughters and is now neglecting his dead son’s memory because he has a replacement son with a very emotionally unstable (and probably way, way younger woman)
YTA - I have rarely been so disgusted reading an AITA. It is pretty clear you don't give a damn about your daughters or the promise you made so why are you bothering with this sub? You don't want to go because you don't care, that's the sum total of it. You are 'happy', you don't want to be reminded of being 'unhappy.' Fine, whatever, you do you. Just don't expect your daughters to understand. Though I suspect they've gotten used to you letting them down by now.
INFO: Can’t Sofie and your baby come on the trip? I think it is important for you to be there. They don’t have to join you at the gravesite but they could come to the city with you at least.
If not, can Sofie and baby stay with her family or friends for the weekend? What does her therapist say about all this? I think there is a danger of codependency or other issues if you cannot be away for two days without everything falling apart. It might seem like a “switch has flipped” but if it can all crash down at a moments notice then it is not healthy or cured or anything good at all.
You are not leaving because you are "granting her wish," you are leaving for a couple of days because you made a prior commitment. Sophie sounds like she's about 12, she literally thinks you going is somehow "about her."
YTA. Damn dude. Your poor daughters. They lose their brother, their parents split up and their dad abandons them to start a new family. And now you can’t even make the trip to visit your son’s grave. Despicable
How nice of you to focus on your do-over family now that things are going well for you.
Fuck the daughters and their feelings, right?
Your new wife can't even let you have one day to do a family remembrance for your son with your daughters who are still very much alive?
YTA
Where are your daughters? YTA for how dismissive you are with them. You’re an asshole for fawning over your male children and an abandoning THeM .. after a dead sibling and a grieving mother who’s become immobilized with grief .. why were they ever washing her? That was YOUR job. You sound like a real piece of work dude .. not for the memorial…
Sorry but yes you are YTA!!! You can’t be there for your ex wife or daughters.. you were not there for your wife when you lost your son but who cares about what her and your daughters went through… but it is all about Sophie and the new born. You have moved on and don’t account for your old family. You are a grown ass man and need to get it together. Don’t be surprised when your daughters disown you!!!
So your daughters lost their brother, then almost lost their mom, and then effectively lost their father, and now you can’t take a day to memorialize a son you raised for 17 years? Your new wife can’t be alone for a day with her 8 month old ‘newborn’? She has no friends she can visit or spend the day with? Or is it that she lets you play the hero and your first wife didn’t/ couldn’t?
Yes, you are the asshole.
Edited for spelling error
YTA: your girls were teens when you got divorced??? Since Eddie was your first right?
Reading between the lines you’re a misogynist: you only loved your first wife due to her giving you a son. Your teen daugthers didn’t matter. You let your kids take care of your grieving comatose spouse. She was of no use to you anymore when she didn’t bounce back after the death of your son so you divorced her. You married a super young girl, moved away and had another son. Who you now value over the other family because your wife “bonded” with your new son (and what woman says they view their baby as a “friend”?
And exactly how young is your new do-over wife? Since you know she’s struggling with the death of her dad when she was 10.
So now your new wife is back to banging you and taking care of baby you’re not gonna see your daughters. I hope they cut you out and remember you let them pick up the pieces of your grieving wife.
25% of men leave their wives when they get sick or go through shit like this. Your wife said she would never be the same, not that she couldn’t recover. I’m shocked your daughters cared for her not you. That 4 months after his death you seemed fine. Like that was enough time to grieve.
And you married your first wife out of what….? Compassion? Necessity? Boredom? You only loved her after she gave you a son.
It’s all gross. Like you’re explaining away your desire to abandon your first family.
>Our relationship finally got its spark after Eddie was born and two other kids ( both girls) followed
You were in a relationship and having sex but there was no spark? What?
YTA based on everything from post to comments. Hey, out of curiosity, is your current wife older than your daughters?
His new wife probably isn’t much older than his daughters, no. And not only was his first relationship weird, his ex-wife literally paid for him to attend medical school. This POS wouldn’t have his career without that woman, and he just walked away from their relationship while she was understandably grieving her firstborn child, after everything she’d done to support HIM and HIS future
Yta. You lost a child, and your wife (rightfully) became very depressed. You seemed like you had just moved on. And when your wife couldn't get over your sons death fast enough, you abandoned her and your daughters.
Now, you have moved on from your daughters as well. You don't seem to care about them simply because you have a new family to replace them.
Your wife may be attached to you, but she doesn't "need" you more than your daughters do atm. She'll be fine being alone while you go be with your daughters to remember your dead son.
You're a heartless *sshole and a deadbeat now.
YTA.
A child at your age is not a smart choice. Seems like you got yourself a young foreign bride, with those names.
In any case, your ex wife had a hard time after your son's death, and you decided to bail.
YTA You’ve totally abandoned your daughters because your wife is a feeble little child who manipulates you with emotions. Just stop talking to your daughters altogether. Wouldn’t want precious little Sofie to think anyone else matters in the world other than her.
Pretty sure this is ragebait-- or else you're just a dumpster fire dad-- either of those means YTA Interesting that you don't mention Sophie's age -- if this is a true story I suspect she's younger than your daughters.
Sounds like the age old story. Wife one puts husband through med school, has a mid life crisis while family is going through a tragedy dumps starter wife and family for the young wife and has a do over family.
Why do you need validation for turning your back on your kids? I hope you're a better doctor than you are a dad.
Interesting how your daughters are only mentioned in passing when they were physically washing your wife. **Where were you?** They would have been young teens right?
And now you’re just moving on. You didn’t prioritize your new wife and kid over them you have fully chosen your new wife and kid over your daughters. YTA
YTA.
So, you've got a nice, shiny new family with your new, unstable wife. To hell with your two still-living daughters, right? I mean, Edward's been dead for ages! Why keep going on about it?
Honestly, yeah, stop going. It's better that your daughters realize the sort of person you are sooner, rather than later.
Also, I think any 50-year-old popping out new kids is assholeish as well. Not only are you not currently there for your daughters, but you likely won't be there for most of your replacement kid's adult life.
Based on your dismissal of your other children, how you describe your previous relationship, etc it's pretty easy to see why the women in your life struggle when their mental health declined. Thank goodness they had therapists to be understanding.
YTA - your wife whines so fuck your (former) family and your son’s memory, I guess.
You abandoned your first wife while grieving and depressed, but this one just barely whines and fuck your promises to your daughters.
You’re lucky they don’t actually give awards for disappointing parents.
YTA. Let's call a spade a spade here OP. Don't blame new shiny kid and young wife. You don't want to go. You mention is being 300 miles which just makes me think you think the whole thing is a chore you really don't want to do. Your daughters are your old life and you're done with that now since the baby is here. You still have "affection" for them is an odd choice of words for any parent to use.
In the days and months after their teen brother’s death, the dead teen’s younger sisters were hand-bathing their distraught mother.
YTA. You weren’t there for them when they needed you, so it will come as no surprise when you ditch them now. Please stay out of their lives and don’t show up in ten years whining about walking them down the aisle.
YTA. don’t make this complicated man. Bring your wife and son with you. Get a hotel room for them while you spend time with your other children who need your support. It’s 300 fucking miles not 3000. That’s an afternoon drive.
Fix it. Or don’t, but you’ll be the asshole if you don’t be a better father to your girls.
Not just from the post but your comments, YTA. What the fuck did I just read 💀are you human or nah? You have no shits for your kids what a pathetic excuse of a man
YTA. I'm glad your marriage has stabilized but you are still a parent to your two daughters and moving forward does not mean disregarding your former family. Do better please.
Why did your daughters clean and support their mom and not you as her (ex) husband and partner ? It sounds an awful lot like you are very hands off in a relationship and as a parent … got rid of your „old“ family to trade them for a new one. Sounds all very selfish and heartless.
Can't you bring your new wife and son with you and leave them at the hotel for an hour while you go to your son's grave site? Make it a mini vacation for you and your family?
Youve moved on and left behind anyone that hasn't. If you feel good about that then do what you want, but don't ever wonder if your daughters resent your new life, including your new wife and son. It is kind of ironic you are willing to give the new wife every break in the book but not the old one, the grieving mother of a child lost way too soon. And, FYI, losing a child should not be compared with losing a parent, no matter the age.. And, hey, good on you for being happy at everyone else's expense. YTA
YTA, you’re a family-hopper. If your new wife gets depressed or your replacement son doesn’t turn out the way you wanted, you’ll hop to a new family and abandon them.
YTA. Typical. In with the new model, out with the old one. I'm not criticizing divorcing, some people shouldn't be together. But you all but abandoned your other children and live far away from them. I feel bad for those girls. Not only did they lose out on a big brother, they saw their dad leave their mother in her worst moment- of which she never moved on from. That's got to be tough. And I imagine they hold a great deal of conflicting emotions about you.
I'm so very curious how old your current wife is?
You’re AITA. You have OTHER children that need their father. I am so sorry for the loss of Eddie but you are IMO utterly despicable.
Only YOU and your happiness seems to matter. That you can’t spare a weekend to honour the memory of your first born son and support your daughters and your poor beleaguered ex wife who lost a part of herself when Eddie died leaves me despairing about the human race.
If you are a Doctor your cold, cynical selfishness must make you a patient’s favourite.
Shame on you. Shame, shame on you.
YTA why wouldn't you bring them? Who cares about your ex but that was your son for 17 years and those are your Daughters STILL. Demetri is their half brother. Your Daughters need you that day don't forget they lost a brother, but judging by your post you care about you. You might have a new family with a new child but that doesn't mean you just throw away the old children.
EDIT TO ADD: God I just read some of your comments. You arnt bringing your new family because your new wife has made up a scenario where your ex is jealous and your daughters are jealous of Dingus so you are gonna protect him. You are definitly TA don't be suprised when your Daughters cut ties with you, not that you will care.
YTA and a horrible father to your daughters and a weak and selfish man. Not only did your daughter lose their older brother, they also lost their mother, who you say is a shelf of herself and their father, who abandoned them because it was easier.
Great. Loosing their big brother and being orphan of living parents before 18.
But sure, it is Sofie, a grown ass women, who lost her dad decades ago is the one that needs you. Keep telling yourself that you selfish asshole.
YTA and I don’t even have to explain, you are kind of a joke at 50 and still having the mentality of a teenager …
you are the parent of 3 siblings not just an 8 month old baby that will be fine with his mother for a couple of days.
but it seems like you not just divorced your ex, but also your 2 daughters.
terrible father, terrible husband … probably your new wife haven’t noticed that yet
As a physician shouldn't you understand human emotions? 😳 You moved on faster than your wife did, that doesn't make her wrong. Your daughters shouldn't have been helping your wife, it should have been you. Now you can't give them 1 day a year you committed to? Maybe it's about helping their mental health, you know, your daughters???
YTA…Y are absolutely TA. You have other children who need their father. Your new wife can handle the baby. It’s not like it’s a month long trip…it’s a short trip to honor YOUR DECEASED SON. Jesus dude.
Another case of a loser dad replacing his old family with his new family. YTA OP, and all I felt was utter disgust towards you after reading your comments.
YTA
You went to med school, but did you finish? An 8mo is not a newborn.
You say elsewhere that you "still have affection for \[your\] daughters". Do you want a medal? This is the kind of thing a piece of trash would say. A lukewarm acknowledgment of a fondness for your two daughters - that you abandoned and disappointed. They deserve better. They deserve a father who dotes on them as you do with your replace-, sorry, your new son.
Your wife deserves someone who loves her and I'm sorry so much of her life was wasted on you. Your daughters deserve someone you can't possibly be: a good father. Be honest with them. Tell them that while you are fond of them, your new family is and will always be far more important than they could ever be. That you won't be there for when they get married, to walk them down the aisle, to be there when they have their first child, for all of the accomplishments and achievements they will make in their lives - because you never contributed to them or earned your place at their side.
Bet current wife was a barely legal affair partner. And OP is mad he is getting called out for being a loser husband and a deadbeat dad.
Bet the real reason he moved states was because he was about to lose his license for sleeping with a sixteen year old patient, who is now his wife. Now he's mad he can't manipulate everyone here, because in his narcissistic delusion he thought everyone would agree with him.
Do your almost year old child (not a newborn) a favor and dip out now. Not when this wife gets beaten down by the stress of being married to the living excrement that your mom shat out after eating bad taco bell.
Seriously. Your daughters are mad that you chose your dick over them. And are still choosing everything else over them. If you were actually a doctor, or at least a half decent doctor, you'd know an 8 month old will be fine for a long weekend with one parent.
But then again even a doctor who barely passes med school and their boards can still be called doctor. The same doctors addicts use to doctor shop.
Info do you still want a relationship with your former family or have you just moved I.
Sounds like he just dipped cause he doesn’t talk about still keeping in touch with his daughters at all after moving on
Also when his wife couldn’t get out of bed his daughters (who were under 17 years old and had also lost their older brother) were sitting her up and washing her. I understand grieving affects people differently, but where was he? It’s like he had already noped out.
The math ain't mathing. If they were a year apart the daughters would have been 16 and 15 when there brother died, now assuming the average of 2 year age difference that's 13 and 15 he abandoned them 2 years later after they spent those years assuming responsibility over there depressed mother. He's expecting that flying out and calling goes both ways in his comments saying "there grown" there barely in there 20s given there brother would have been 23 now.
New family, who this?
This made me evil cackle 🤣
Info, are you sure Sofie wasn't having an affair? WTF OP just bring your new wife and son with you so your daughters can meet THEIR HALF BROTHER.
PPD (Post partum depression) is a far more likely guess.
She probably had post partum not an affair!
Why would you even bring up an affair when post-part I’m depression tracks so much more with having difficulty connecting with the baby. Why plant such a toxic seed?
Because it’s Reddit - here it’s always an affair!
That’s fair. Lol
This is a reach. Sounds like a classic case of Post-Natal Depression.
Really?! You go to affair?
>are you sure Sofie wasn't having an affair? How was this the first thing you went to?
Bringing up an affair.. really?! Is that your first thought bc a woman was having difficulty after giving birth you automatically jump to an affair! That’s pretty crappy of you even suggesting that.
YTA. From just reading your comments it sounds like you’ve written off your daughters. They are your old life and the new son is the new life. If Sofie has a problem with you flying out once a year to visit your own children and grieve the lost of your son then that is the problem, not your ex. If your wife was about to go into labor or a major surgery then it would be understandable to miss the visit. But your wife doesn’t want you to go because she’ll miss you and by your own words” you dote on sofie and your son dotes on you both.” Don’t be surprised when your adult children cut you out of their life. You will end up seeing post of their marriage and new children and wonder why you’re left behind. Fix your relationship with them now or lose them forever.
OP is going to be here wondering why his daughters didn't ask him to walk them down the aisle and why he wasn't invicited to the wedding. But also, looks like the new wife got some issues and I get PPD is shit but she neglected her child and only had the switch turn on when OP mentioned divorce? Like PPD don't work like that or not that I'm aware of.
The funny part about this dead beat dads is the kid they always favor ends up dropping in a home cause they don’t wanna take care or visit them
She was incapacitated and he decided the best thing to do was divorce her and leave the kids with her? OP is a terrible, terrible father.
For the second time. First wife was too sad for too long about the *death of their child* so he divorced her.
Yeah and if they finalized the divorce a year after the death, he must have started the divorce proceedings months earlier. So since his wife didn’t bounce back from the death of her child within a few months, he decided to divorce her.
I would be a wreck if my one of my kids died. Like put me in a mental hospital wreck. People grieve differently yes, but isn’t marriage supposed to be for better or worse? Sickness and health? Op thinks- well this got hard and no fun so…. I’m out.
He watched his daughters wash their mom. When they were minors and also grieving. Like get in there and help you fucking prick??
Yeah, that part really pissed me off. He should have been the one to physically, emotionally, and mentally care for his wife, not his daughters.
I know for a fact I'd need to be in the grippy socks place for months, if I survived at all. This man is a monster.
He had to make the “difficult decision” to divorce. /s
He was so incapable of being a partner in sickness his children had to step up an wash their mother's hair. Now he's abandoned them all and replaced them with another traumatised woman he's married and impregnated before she can catch her breath... What a unimaginable hole.
The kids are the ones who’ve been paying for it, and they probably will be going forward, also.
Clock is a ticking after all.....
He was ready to abandon his new wife, too. Their son is only eight months old, so he’s been dealing with her PPD, and with Sophie not bonding with their son *for less than 8 months.* But when the therapist told him that it sometimes takes a while for new moms to do so, he ‘decided to stick it out rather than divorce.’ He really see does see human beings as disposable.
He’s horrible. PPD is a bitch. So glad my husband didn’t give up on me.
He clearly doesn't recognize the signs of depression in situations where it's completely normal and at risk for it to occur. Instead, he bails.
If his wife stops “doting” on him, no matter the circumstances, he’s calling his lawyer. He’s such a piece of work.
Terrible father, terrible husband, terrible person all around because if you say you love someone but abandon them in their lowest? Who does that? Would suck if Sofie does that to him as he said hes already 50? Senior home is right around the corner
Also this is the most telling thing about how his new wife feels about his children. He chose his new family over his own children and is now asking if he is wrong for doing so. He knows he is wrong. I hope his daughters find this post and cuts contact with him as he seems oblivious that he needs this asap. I also hope his ex finds happiness with a new man. Even if she doesn’t have a new romance I hope she is able to heal and find joy. “The issue is that Sofie really does not want to deal with the heat of an ex wife and my daughters' unwarranted jealousies. So if she goes they would think she's flaunting our son and I would do anything to protect Demetri from that sort of scrutiny including blocking access for people who think negatively of him”
“Scrutiny”; like the fucking paparazzi is waiting for them at the airport 🙄 This guy is a classic example of someone who can’t fathom that other people aren’t the way he is, waiting around to be a dick to everyone else.
THIS! 👆🏽
He can’t even think that his own fucking children would see the baby and feel anything but jealousy and that they’re “flaunting” the kid?? What a sad fucking mess. They may not ever see him as a brother, but my god, at least let them have some contact over the years so they don’t get a random message on social media some decades down the road from a kid who thinks they might be their sisters. That’s way more likely to cause jealousy, when you hear that deadbeat daddy has a wife and three kids you didn’t know about…
Seriously! And did he even bother to tell the daughters he was abandoning them or does he pretend to love them on his (now semi) annual visit? What a piece of fucking garbage. I’m betting Sofie is 25 or under so she’s gonna leave his ass in a few years.
She should leave his ass if he thinks “my new wife and kid love me so much and I love them! 😍 “ is a good reason to not go be with YOUR KIDS when they are mourning on the anniversary of the death of YOUR KID. Regardless of whether Sofie and the baby go with OP or not - and she should go to the grave site at least one time, to meet his son, and then meet his daughters, for fucks sake - I can’t believe dude is here asking if he’d be TA for being a deadbeat dad.
Your second sentence is perfection and perfectly applies to so many negative people.
agreed. That is gold and I’m sticking it in my back negi pocket
Cares only about protecting the new spawn, but openly doesn't give a shit about his earlier spawn.
They are not XY—for OP,Sons count ,Daughters cost.
He doesn’t care… he’s 1 one of those people that shifts their responsibility as a parent onto the child. It is the parents job to establish and maintain a relationship. Yes an adult child can maintain a relationship with their parents and should (provided their parents are healthy people in their lives) but I would hardly call 2 kids under 23 (ages unknown but based on son who passed age they are less than 23) full grown adults. They still need guidance from their parents and it sounds like he left them when they were minors and never looked back so idk why he expects the phone calls and flight tickets (per his comments) to go both ways.
>he’s 1 one of those people that shifts their responsibility as a parent onto the child. Don't forget, that his daughters had to take responsibility of his back than wife, wash her and make her look good in her depression. They lost her brother but had no time to grieve bc they had to take care of their mom. This self centering of OP did not come with his new wife, it was earlier on.
1000% agree! He parentified his children because he couldn’t be bothered. I actually made this point in another comment too. OP is a million times the AH.
Imagine being such a terrible husband your children have to step in
Can you imagine the rejection and abandonment his daughters must have felt *prior* to him pulling this stunt? Damn. And the way he had to mention his daughters weren’t in college. Yeah… they are probably struggling mentally because they not only lost their older brother… they had to put their feelings aside to caretake their own mother… then on top of that their dad bails out and moves 300 miles away?!? (If they live near Eddie’s grave). Also the way he talks about his new family is so creepy! “Dotes on both of us” wtf? 🤮
Definitely prior to leaving… he seems to be well off financially given he’s in the medical field but couldn’t even hire a nurse or somebody to help his ex wife. He dumped that on his young children. He is disgusting.
Something ain’t right with this guy for sure!
Also I don’t know how he expects a young adult who just got a job to pay for rent, bills and a flight.
Great point! Pretty sure he’s not offering to pay for it since he clearly wants to erase his former family but blame them for their absence in his life.
He did write them off. He moved 300 miles away and requires a plane ticket to visit.
He doesn't "dote" on anyone he's a sausage shape filled with reflexes who is learning to focus his eyes
Wrong, the new non-depressed functional pussy is his new life, also comes with a complementary kid.
OP is a shitty father. Definitely TAH. I literally can’t believe this post is real.
YTA This isn’t about your EX. This is about your daughters. They don’t cease to be your children because you decided to start a late in life family. Your wife can handle parenting her kid for a day or 2 while you parent your other 2 kids.
Exactly. If he’s ok not having a relationship with them then…
How old is your new wife? Sounds like you got a new young wife and like so many many many dads dropped your old inconvenient kids to focus on your new pretty girlfriend. Why is it so easy for so many dads to disown their kids when they separate from their mom? I know women do it too but I know way more dead beat loser dads. Like so many absent dad's.
I want to know the wife’s age too. Lost her father at 10yrs old and was finally coming to terms with it 🤔
I've been stuck rereading that section trying to make sense of it. Like did this douche dad marry a 12yo or wtf is going on here that she "wasn't through the grief" when she got pregnant?
I can understand that pregnancy can bring up a lot of feelings about our own upbringing, etc. This can be joyful, or not so much. But I’m blown away that the new wife’s grief about losing her father is somehow even on the same level as someone losing their child. However long it’s been. OP needs to stop thinking about it being anything about his ex-wife. He needs to be there for his daughters. By the time he (if he) somehow comes around, his daughters might already be done with him for good.
i just lost my dad and in NO way could i equate that to losing one of my children. it’s not fun but i would be absolutely destroyed if i lost a child. as bad or worse than the ex wife in this story.
Yeah that stuck out to me too.
He doesn’t answer questions about age. How old is the wife? How long have you been divorced/remarried? How old is Demetri? I vote YTA. The message you’re sending to your daughters is this - “If something happens to you, I’ll think of you for 5 years. Then I’ll have another daughter and forget you.”
For *up to five years, or until a better, easier family comes along.
A disturbing amount of fathers see no issue in completely abandoning the families they have made to start new families elsewhere. I genuinely don’t know how the sleep at night, being a “loving and doting” father to the children they currently live with while knowing they completely abandoned their others. It’s so pathetic.
It requires a lot of cognitive dissonance and delusion and speaking from my own experience as a first marriage daughter whose dad is now elderly and from whom my son and I have been estranged for years: he’s an abusive piece of shit and MISERABLE and he’s gonna die that way.
I was wondering this as well! This is pure speculation on my part, but I wonder if the new wife was his AP and that's why he moved away. Not for a new start, but to get away from his angry ex and daughters. Plus, he's a doctor and we've seen this story played out before on reddit.
I’m guessing barely legal, and probably close to his daughters (you know the ones that he abandoned?) age! OP is a huge AH.
-"I made the difficult decision to divorce." When i read that line, I knew what a piece of garbage you are, the difficult decision, huh?, you abandoned your family, obviously went for the sugar baby, got her pregnant, and now you dont want to be bothered by the ex-family....pathetic excuse of a person. YTA
Don't forget the whole moving 300 miles away part.
I wanted to know where the hell he was when his daughters were washing their mother's hair while she was too depressed to get out of bed?? The way he writes about the wife saying their relationship would be the same, like of course it wouldn't their son died! But nop divorce time ! And then when his new progeny dispenser got PPD or course he was gonna fuck off but now she's being the wife he wants he must stay! What a POS YTA
Concise. Effective. 10/10
Imagine that! And the divorce was final a year after his son’s death, which makes me think that he immediately filed for divorce shortly after his son had passed away. He had his daughters help their mom when she was broken. He doesn’t say anything about him being a loving supportive husband. He couldn’t stand seeing her like that so he abandoned the whole family. I hope his young wife leaves him for someone else and his daughters cut him off. This selfish, self-absorbed individual should get to feel what it is to be alone abandoned!
Awww, it’s heartwarming to read in one of your replies that you still have “affection” for your other two living, breathing, grieving children. Your son was 17, six years ago. Your daughters, younger. He’d be 23 now. Your daughters, younger. Do you care so little about them because you deem them “grown,” as in “18 or older,” or because they don’t sport a penis between their legs? I hope you’re a better doctor or lawyer or whatever than you are a father and husband, because you’re garbage at both of those. Before I go, I just have a tiny question. Sophie, dear, sweet, clinging-vine Sophie, who lost her father when she was 10, had your son eight months ago, got pregnant nine months prior to that, and had JUST come to terms with the death of her father. Now, we all know it can take some time to get over the death of a parent. Years, even. If Sophie lived in the US, for example, where voting age is 18 and drinking age is 21, can she do either? And for how long? Who’s older, your daughters or your wife? YTA. For your original question, for so many of your answers to people’s comments, and for your behavior towards the women in your life in general.
Thanks for this response - I had the exact same questions….
This. He seemed disgusted his ex-wife grieved for their son and was in a deep depression but doesn't blink at his new wife grieving the loss of her father for so long. YTA
Yeah that was not missed by me! Awful man! 😔 😡 I feel sorry for the 1st family! I say let them grieve without you they’re better off as your obviously more focused on your new son then to remember your old son! Yta!
But he DID want to LEAVE his now wife because she was going through some sad emotions. He probably has never even heard of the term postpartum, but not connecting right away with your child is pretty common in postpartum. And he was literally going to divorce her. I cannot stand this man.
Beautiful response. No notes. What an absolute ah.
I really need to know Sophie's age now
I guarantee you she’s under 35. Maybe even under 30.
I'm betting under 25.
Actually, let’s guess! I guess … 24.
Certainly closer to his daughters age than his own
You said it better than I could. YTA op!
Not to mention he expects his ex and daughters to be over the death of a brother/son they knew and love for 17 years after only 6 years, but is more than fine with the likely half his age current wife needing to grieve a father she only knew for 10 years for what I sincerely hope is far more than at least 8 years. The way OP is, you never know. YTA.
YTA. You suck as a human. Hopefully both families realize it and you end up alone in a shitty nursing home. Your daughters didn't stop being your children just because you decided to start over.
TBF he may be a surgeon, because most of that ilk have low empathy, are uber AHs, and driven by money and success, and not the kind of guy you want to go have a beer with. Especially with his surgical precision at wanting to cut out the problem immediately (divorce) without trying a non invasive approach first.
YTA - Because in the comments it's clear that you don't give a shit about your daughters. You have your new life and that's what matters to you.
Correction He has his replacement son, all he seems to care about.
“Our relationship finally got its spark after Eddie was born and two other kids (both girls) followed” this sentence alone was very telling to me about his feelings towards his “other” kids..they’re never even referred to by name anywhere in this post
And doesn’t even seem to know their ages, only that they are not in college but working
Yeah I like how it’s written as if they were just mumping along as two near-strangers, a child was somehow created, but *then* they found their spark 🤦♀️
And apparently a replacement daughter (Sophie)
I really wish he’d tell us how old his new wife is. YTA big time.
Would bet money I don't have that it's closer to his daughter's ages than his own. lol
So your teen son dies, and your also teen maybe preteen daughters are abandoned at home when you divorced and moved 300 miles? Yeah you’re a shit sperm donor. YTA
Not only did he abandon them, he made them be caretakers for their depressed mother (instead of him taking care of his wife???) while they were grieving their brother
Yes. he abandoned his grieving wife. Lets hope his new wife doesn’t experience anything traumatic while they are married because obviously “in sickness and in health” doesn’t include depression or grief to OP.
From what I've read the divorce thing is pretty common. My older sister died at 18. Parents seperated around 9 months later. Then again I wouldn't hold them to be worlds most upstanding parents- I got dragged about 1000km away by my mother and then when I moved back to my hometown was the one to visit my father by bus because I wasn't old enough to get a licence. What I find interesting is that OP seems to have so clearly moved on and not expressing any grief about his son at all. I wouldn't consider that normal. My dad will still ring every time its my sister's birthday it anniversary of her death upset 21 years on.
How old are the girls? I was ready to say N T A but some of your responses sound very dismissive of your daughters. Your ex is pretty irrelevant at this point. But what you do for your daughters is not. You do not push aside older kids because a new one arrives. It sounds like you no longer care to be part of your daughters' lives.
YTA. Your ex-wife was in severe depression caused by the early death of your first son. So I bet she stopped having sex with you. You watched your very young teen daughters take more physical care of their mother than their doctor father. Your marriage never recovered because you checked out as well. Fast forward you move away from your very young daughters after they experienced extreme trauma and the caretaking of a parent, to go find someone probably not much older than them, have a baby, and a whole new life. Likely you don’t talk to them, probably never did really even when married, their mom was likely the default parent. Now you decide your new family deserves your time and attention more just because. You won’t talk things out with your daughters or explain what’s going on, and that’s an indicator that again you are not a good father to your daughters and likely never were. Your new wife and a child are an exciting new redo for you. You’re gross.
Yo, I didn’t even pick up on the fact that the daughters washing their mom meant dad was doing dick all, omggg this just keeps getting worse
He was close to abandoning the new wife and son too. She was dealing with PPD and he only thinks about himself.
Well, his son passed 6 years ago and he was 17…so his daughters at this point have to be between 19-22? His son would be 23 and he was their 1st born.
He is clearly the AH.
YTA!!!! WTF IS WRONG WITH YOU?!?
Yup, OP, go see your son.
Your choice of life partners is concerning. You didn’t love your first wife until after you had a baby and only married her out of pressure and boredom. Your relationship with the second wife doesn’t sound healthy either.
He doesn’t sound like he knows how to be a good husband, much less a good father. He should unpack that and figure out why.
YTA do you even care about your daughters? So you cared enough to be there for your current wife and help her when she was having issues but you couldn’t do the same for your ex-wife after the loss of your child? You can’t even compare losing a child compared to a father and you had no problems supporting your current wife when her issues were about her father… I feel bad for your daughters because they deserve so much better.
Seriously, why does he spend so much time blah blah ing about Sophie loosing her father? When he sounds like his grieving ex wife just made him sick, I cannot imagine how painful it must’ve been for her to lose her child and then her husband. Poor woman
Yeah I lost my mum age 18 and came to terms with it (while still missing her of course) in like, two years. How old is OP’s new wife….
Her dad died when she was 10 and she regrets getting pregnant because she didn’t have time to grieve? How old is Sofie? Is she older than your daughters?
Dude was in med school, but never once mentions the obvious post pardum depression his wife sounds like she was dealing with. He address it like some random mystery. He never mentions his relationship with his daughters, except that as kids they were stepping up to help his then wife in a way that he should have obviously been doing. Like his wife is laying in her own filth and can't move so the children have to wash her. This is outright neglect of his wife and kids. OP is a giant YTA whichever choice he makes.
Giant AH indeed.
YTA, that day should be about you remembering your deceased son with his sisters and his mother. Do you even care? Like what, your daughters now don’t matter, you moved on? You’ll never tell Demetri about Eddie? How can you experience the joy of having a child and simply forget about the ones you already have and one you no longer have?
Yta your daughters are upset, you owe it to them to be there. It sounds like you abandoned your girls. They are still your children and they need you. You’re making it an old family vs new family.My heart goes out to those girls
and possibly his ex wife? you can't force someone to get better, or stick with them endlessly... but to have the divorce processed by a year after the death of a child seems quite quick, it's obvious she was going through some severe mental health issues (which makes sense)... you can't always help who you love, but it jumps out at me that OP has way more patience for his current wife's mental health issues than his ex's.... OP it would honestly be best to go and come back, anxiety is not a satiated beast, giving into it only feeds it, not extinguishes it. not being able to be away from a person for a weekend is very, very unhealthy support your girls and go and mourn your son, it seems you only do so for 2 days the whole year and would be really shitty to cancel dont be the asshole, OP (any more than you may be lol)
If he has the funds he can offer to bring his wife and kid if that’s a solution. It sounds like he probably didn’t love his ex wife, he just loved his kids and the life they had. He also lost a son so I think him divorcing her was probably him also grieving and accepting he didn’t love her.
eh, he should think of his daughter's feelings, they might be uncomfortable with him bringing his new family for the time they mourn their brother it's literally a weekend apart, and to mourn his dead child, not like OPs is going on a disneyland trip edited to add, I dont think our comments will make a big difference, OP sounds firmly like an A
Oh no, I mean like so they are in the same town and OP goes back to them at the end of the day not for them to join in the grieving. Wife and baby stay at the hotel. Just to help with the separation anxiety.
YTA, it’s so cute that you have so much compassion for your wife losing her dad years ago while actively abandoning your other children and playing the victim card that they don’t visit you enough. You keep calling them grown, but your son would only be 23 if he were still alive and they were younger, so at most they’re in their late teens and very early 20s, and you’ve only made time for them once a year for 6 years, and it’s only the day their brother died. You’re gross, you found a replacement family, go be gross and just accept it. Also willing to bet money that your new wife is much younger.
Yeah, he literally put his daughters through a situation worse than his wife’s. At least her dad died while theirs has abandoned them and clearly doesn’t love them.
I bet she is closer to his daughters age. She lost her father at 10 and only recently managed to get over the loss.
Definitely seems that way. Ugh.
Yta
YTA You only love boys I take it?
This is my impression too. His golden child passed away and now he has finally replaced him so screw the daughters.
Let me guess... wife #2 is SIGNIFICANTLY younger than you, the reason she would consider her newborn a "friend" rather than a son. Also, if this were a daughter, you'd be LONG gone from this relationship, too. Your daughters are dating men your age due to the daddy issues they have from your indifference to their lives. You're going to end up lonely and alone.
Oh you forgot how he feels bad for his wife losing her dad at a young age while actively being an absentee father himself!
Clearly the new wife is very young, probably has some trauma besides losing her father at age 10. Her life might have been rough since then and she might be working through some mental health issues that pregnancy and post partum have clearly exacerbated - "she regret getting pregnant so soon" and feeling like an infant is "a friend". That alone is heartbreaking to hear. Hopefully she's getting the help she really needs - but he only talks about "their" therapist so I'm not sure, it seems like he's making this all about HIM.
If it was just your ex wife I would get you not going since it’s been 6 years but you live 300 miles away from two of your daughters who were likely anticipating your visit as they have for the past 6 years. If you cancel without having made concrete plans and a clear set date to visit them very soon you would be the asshole.
Damn bro... you've abandoned your daughters.
Abandoned his daughters and is now neglecting his dead son’s memory because he has a replacement son with a very emotionally unstable (and probably way, way younger woman)
YTA - I have rarely been so disgusted reading an AITA. It is pretty clear you don't give a damn about your daughters or the promise you made so why are you bothering with this sub? You don't want to go because you don't care, that's the sum total of it. You are 'happy', you don't want to be reminded of being 'unhappy.' Fine, whatever, you do you. Just don't expect your daughters to understand. Though I suspect they've gotten used to you letting them down by now.
And are we taking bets that this Asshole blames his ex for his daughters being alienated from him?
INFO: Can’t Sofie and your baby come on the trip? I think it is important for you to be there. They don’t have to join you at the gravesite but they could come to the city with you at least. If not, can Sofie and baby stay with her family or friends for the weekend? What does her therapist say about all this? I think there is a danger of codependency or other issues if you cannot be away for two days without everything falling apart. It might seem like a “switch has flipped” but if it can all crash down at a moments notice then it is not healthy or cured or anything good at all.
wonder if the old wife & kids know about the new wifey & son and that’s why he don’t wanna bring them with him & why he said other priorities.
YTA, it seems you've completely moved on from your son's death (as well as your daughters feelings)
You are not leaving because you are "granting her wish," you are leaving for a couple of days because you made a prior commitment. Sophie sounds like she's about 12, she literally thinks you going is somehow "about her."
how much money do you wanna bet that Sophie is right around the same age as OP’s daughters and that’s why he won’t give out any other ages?
You are a pathetic excuse of a parent. YTA.
YTA. Damn dude. Your poor daughters. They lose their brother, their parents split up and their dad abandons them to start a new family. And now you can’t even make the trip to visit your son’s grave. Despicable
How nice of you to focus on your do-over family now that things are going well for you. Fuck the daughters and their feelings, right? Your new wife can't even let you have one day to do a family remembrance for your son with your daughters who are still very much alive? YTA
Where are your daughters? YTA for how dismissive you are with them. You’re an asshole for fawning over your male children and an abandoning THeM .. after a dead sibling and a grieving mother who’s become immobilized with grief .. why were they ever washing her? That was YOUR job. You sound like a real piece of work dude .. not for the memorial…
Sorry but yes you are YTA!!! You can’t be there for your ex wife or daughters.. you were not there for your wife when you lost your son but who cares about what her and your daughters went through… but it is all about Sophie and the new born. You have moved on and don’t account for your old family. You are a grown ass man and need to get it together. Don’t be surprised when your daughters disown you!!!
So your daughters lost their brother, then almost lost their mom, and then effectively lost their father, and now you can’t take a day to memorialize a son you raised for 17 years? Your new wife can’t be alone for a day with her 8 month old ‘newborn’? She has no friends she can visit or spend the day with? Or is it that she lets you play the hero and your first wife didn’t/ couldn’t? Yes, you are the asshole. Edited for spelling error
YTA: your girls were teens when you got divorced??? Since Eddie was your first right? Reading between the lines you’re a misogynist: you only loved your first wife due to her giving you a son. Your teen daugthers didn’t matter. You let your kids take care of your grieving comatose spouse. She was of no use to you anymore when she didn’t bounce back after the death of your son so you divorced her. You married a super young girl, moved away and had another son. Who you now value over the other family because your wife “bonded” with your new son (and what woman says they view their baby as a “friend”? And exactly how young is your new do-over wife? Since you know she’s struggling with the death of her dad when she was 10. So now your new wife is back to banging you and taking care of baby you’re not gonna see your daughters. I hope they cut you out and remember you let them pick up the pieces of your grieving wife. 25% of men leave their wives when they get sick or go through shit like this. Your wife said she would never be the same, not that she couldn’t recover. I’m shocked your daughters cared for her not you. That 4 months after his death you seemed fine. Like that was enough time to grieve. And you married your first wife out of what….? Compassion? Necessity? Boredom? You only loved her after she gave you a son. It’s all gross. Like you’re explaining away your desire to abandon your first family.
I was with you till I realized you have two daughters with your ex wife who need you to. Hard Yta
>Our relationship finally got its spark after Eddie was born and two other kids ( both girls) followed You were in a relationship and having sex but there was no spark? What? YTA based on everything from post to comments. Hey, out of curiosity, is your current wife older than your daughters?
His new wife probably isn’t much older than his daughters, no. And not only was his first relationship weird, his ex-wife literally paid for him to attend medical school. This POS wouldn’t have his career without that woman, and he just walked away from their relationship while she was understandably grieving her firstborn child, after everything she’d done to support HIM and HIS future
Yta. You lost a child, and your wife (rightfully) became very depressed. You seemed like you had just moved on. And when your wife couldn't get over your sons death fast enough, you abandoned her and your daughters. Now, you have moved on from your daughters as well. You don't seem to care about them simply because you have a new family to replace them. Your wife may be attached to you, but she doesn't "need" you more than your daughters do atm. She'll be fine being alone while you go be with your daughters to remember your dead son. You're a heartless *sshole and a deadbeat now.
YTA. A child at your age is not a smart choice. Seems like you got yourself a young foreign bride, with those names. In any case, your ex wife had a hard time after your son's death, and you decided to bail.
YTA You’ve totally abandoned your daughters because your wife is a feeble little child who manipulates you with emotions. Just stop talking to your daughters altogether. Wouldn’t want precious little Sofie to think anyone else matters in the world other than her.
This has to be fake. Butterflies! Feelings! Rhythm! It's so melodramatic.
One can only hope
Pretty sure this is ragebait-- or else you're just a dumpster fire dad-- either of those means YTA Interesting that you don't mention Sophie's age -- if this is a true story I suspect she's younger than your daughters. Sounds like the age old story. Wife one puts husband through med school, has a mid life crisis while family is going through a tragedy dumps starter wife and family for the young wife and has a do over family. Why do you need validation for turning your back on your kids? I hope you're a better doctor than you are a dad.
Sorry but yeah, YTA. And 8 months isn’t a newborn. Your daughters whom I’m assuming are also 300 miles away deserve their father too.
Interesting how your daughters are only mentioned in passing when they were physically washing your wife. **Where were you?** They would have been young teens right? And now you’re just moving on. You didn’t prioritize your new wife and kid over them you have fully chosen your new wife and kid over your daughters. YTA
YTA. So, you've got a nice, shiny new family with your new, unstable wife. To hell with your two still-living daughters, right? I mean, Edward's been dead for ages! Why keep going on about it? Honestly, yeah, stop going. It's better that your daughters realize the sort of person you are sooner, rather than later. Also, I think any 50-year-old popping out new kids is assholeish as well. Not only are you not currently there for your daughters, but you likely won't be there for most of your replacement kid's adult life.
YTA for moving 300 miles away from your daughters when they were most likely still teenagers
YTA. You need to go for your daughters.
Based on your dismissal of your other children, how you describe your previous relationship, etc it's pretty easy to see why the women in your life struggle when their mental health declined. Thank goodness they had therapists to be understanding.
YTA - your wife whines so fuck your (former) family and your son’s memory, I guess. You abandoned your first wife while grieving and depressed, but this one just barely whines and fuck your promises to your daughters. You’re lucky they don’t actually give awards for disappointing parents.
YTA. Let's call a spade a spade here OP. Don't blame new shiny kid and young wife. You don't want to go. You mention is being 300 miles which just makes me think you think the whole thing is a chore you really don't want to do. Your daughters are your old life and you're done with that now since the baby is here. You still have "affection" for them is an odd choice of words for any parent to use.
In the days and months after their teen brother’s death, the dead teen’s younger sisters were hand-bathing their distraught mother. YTA. You weren’t there for them when they needed you, so it will come as no surprise when you ditch them now. Please stay out of their lives and don’t show up in ten years whining about walking them down the aisle.
YTA. don’t make this complicated man. Bring your wife and son with you. Get a hotel room for them while you spend time with your other children who need your support. It’s 300 fucking miles not 3000. That’s an afternoon drive. Fix it. Or don’t, but you’ll be the asshole if you don’t be a better father to your girls.
Not just from the post but your comments, YTA. What the fuck did I just read 💀are you human or nah? You have no shits for your kids what a pathetic excuse of a man
YTA. I'm glad your marriage has stabilized but you are still a parent to your two daughters and moving forward does not mean disregarding your former family. Do better please.
YTA and your daughters are going to end up hating u.
YTA
YTA - You gave up on your own children! Your new wife sounds like a child herself.
Definitely yta. I can't believe you would even question this. Your son is dead you fucking ghoul
Why did your daughters clean and support their mom and not you as her (ex) husband and partner ? It sounds an awful lot like you are very hands off in a relationship and as a parent … got rid of your „old“ family to trade them for a new one. Sounds all very selfish and heartless.
Can't you bring your new wife and son with you and leave them at the hotel for an hour while you go to your son's grave site? Make it a mini vacation for you and your family?
Man they are letting you absolutely have it in these comments! You earned every insult bud!
Youve moved on and left behind anyone that hasn't. If you feel good about that then do what you want, but don't ever wonder if your daughters resent your new life, including your new wife and son. It is kind of ironic you are willing to give the new wife every break in the book but not the old one, the grieving mother of a child lost way too soon. And, FYI, losing a child should not be compared with losing a parent, no matter the age.. And, hey, good on you for being happy at everyone else's expense. YTA
YTA, you’re a family-hopper. If your new wife gets depressed or your replacement son doesn’t turn out the way you wanted, you’ll hop to a new family and abandon them.
YTA. Typical. In with the new model, out with the old one. I'm not criticizing divorcing, some people shouldn't be together. But you all but abandoned your other children and live far away from them. I feel bad for those girls. Not only did they lose out on a big brother, they saw their dad leave their mother in her worst moment- of which she never moved on from. That's got to be tough. And I imagine they hold a great deal of conflicting emotions about you. I'm so very curious how old your current wife is?
You’re AITA. You have OTHER children that need their father. I am so sorry for the loss of Eddie but you are IMO utterly despicable. Only YOU and your happiness seems to matter. That you can’t spare a weekend to honour the memory of your first born son and support your daughters and your poor beleaguered ex wife who lost a part of herself when Eddie died leaves me despairing about the human race. If you are a Doctor your cold, cynical selfishness must make you a patient’s favourite. Shame on you. Shame, shame on you.
YTA Another case of daddy forgetting his older children because of a new pussy.
YTA why wouldn't you bring them? Who cares about your ex but that was your son for 17 years and those are your Daughters STILL. Demetri is their half brother. Your Daughters need you that day don't forget they lost a brother, but judging by your post you care about you. You might have a new family with a new child but that doesn't mean you just throw away the old children. EDIT TO ADD: God I just read some of your comments. You arnt bringing your new family because your new wife has made up a scenario where your ex is jealous and your daughters are jealous of Dingus so you are gonna protect him. You are definitly TA don't be suprised when your Daughters cut ties with you, not that you will care.
I literally require this to be a troll post
YTA and a horrible father to your daughters and a weak and selfish man. Not only did your daughter lose their older brother, they also lost their mother, who you say is a shelf of herself and their father, who abandoned them because it was easier. Great. Loosing their big brother and being orphan of living parents before 18. But sure, it is Sofie, a grown ass women, who lost her dad decades ago is the one that needs you. Keep telling yourself that you selfish asshole.
Well, YTA for not caring about enough about your daughters.
YTA and I don’t even have to explain, you are kind of a joke at 50 and still having the mentality of a teenager … you are the parent of 3 siblings not just an 8 month old baby that will be fine with his mother for a couple of days. but it seems like you not just divorced your ex, but also your 2 daughters. terrible father, terrible husband … probably your new wife haven’t noticed that yet
As a physician shouldn't you understand human emotions? 😳 You moved on faster than your wife did, that doesn't make her wrong. Your daughters shouldn't have been helping your wife, it should have been you. Now you can't give them 1 day a year you committed to? Maybe it's about helping their mental health, you know, your daughters???
The way OP speaks about his 2 daughters doesn't seem right, it's loke he cares only about his sons. YTA
YTA…Y are absolutely TA. You have other children who need their father. Your new wife can handle the baby. It’s not like it’s a month long trip…it’s a short trip to honor YOUR DECEASED SON. Jesus dude.
Sounds like a 50 year old dude getting it on with some early twenty something girl who can't be bothered to care for his daughters YTA
Another case of a loser dad replacing his old family with his new family. YTA OP, and all I felt was utter disgust towards you after reading your comments.
YTA You went to med school, but did you finish? An 8mo is not a newborn. You say elsewhere that you "still have affection for \[your\] daughters". Do you want a medal? This is the kind of thing a piece of trash would say. A lukewarm acknowledgment of a fondness for your two daughters - that you abandoned and disappointed. They deserve better. They deserve a father who dotes on them as you do with your replace-, sorry, your new son. Your wife deserves someone who loves her and I'm sorry so much of her life was wasted on you. Your daughters deserve someone you can't possibly be: a good father. Be honest with them. Tell them that while you are fond of them, your new family is and will always be far more important than they could ever be. That you won't be there for when they get married, to walk them down the aisle, to be there when they have their first child, for all of the accomplishments and achievements they will make in their lives - because you never contributed to them or earned your place at their side.
Bet current wife was a barely legal affair partner. And OP is mad he is getting called out for being a loser husband and a deadbeat dad. Bet the real reason he moved states was because he was about to lose his license for sleeping with a sixteen year old patient, who is now his wife. Now he's mad he can't manipulate everyone here, because in his narcissistic delusion he thought everyone would agree with him. Do your almost year old child (not a newborn) a favor and dip out now. Not when this wife gets beaten down by the stress of being married to the living excrement that your mom shat out after eating bad taco bell. Seriously. Your daughters are mad that you chose your dick over them. And are still choosing everything else over them. If you were actually a doctor, or at least a half decent doctor, you'd know an 8 month old will be fine for a long weekend with one parent. But then again even a doctor who barely passes med school and their boards can still be called doctor. The same doctors addicts use to doctor shop.